#i'm just so fucking tired of this shit and idk what to do
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I s2g these like...third party? clinics that doctors send you to for MRIs and x-rays and stuff like that are run by absolute clowns.
I get an order to go an ultrasound of a weird spot on my skin that's probably just torn soft tissue just to make sure nothing's going wrong and I call them and they schedule me for the 6th of June, but tell me that the order I got from the urgent care place needs to be from the clinic supervisor, not the NP who saw me, so I need to go get that fixed, and also to tell them that the NP isn't in their system so they need to fax them documents to update her info. Okay, I'm not an employee there so idk how that last bit is my problem, but whatever.
In between this call and me having time to go to the urgent care clinic I get a call telling me actually they don't have anyone who can do the ultrasound on the 6th so I need to come in on the 30th. Great, whatever. This has happened before, sometimes DAY OF with these types of places so while it's annoying, I'll live.
There's less time before my appointment now so same day I go down to the urgent care place and explain all that and the desk lady seems to have no clue what the hell I'm talking about and just gives me a copy of the order and says if the ultrasound place needs updated stuff they have to request it, which is the opposite of what I was told but whatever!
So I call the ultrasound place and explain and the guy is like "uh no you should be fine with the order" and then to be sure he checks the info and is like "oh this doctor's info is out of date" and then he has me stay on the line and give him the urgent care clinic's phone number and address and again! I am not an employee there!! Why is this my job!! But whatever, he says I'm good, so I'm good.
Today, the 29th, I get another call from the ultrasound place informing me that actually, they don't even perform this procedure in Tucson AT ALL and if I want to get it done I either have to GO TO PHOENIX or get my order sent to a different clinic that does these. I do not understand why this information was not given to me immediately the first time I called, and now I have to go down to the urgent care clinic AGAIN and beg them to update the order, and idk if they'll even be able to do that bcs this is an urgent care clinic not my PCP, but whatever guess I get to go beg! And continue to worry about the soft-tissue tear bcs it isn't going away on it's own and idk if there's something legit wrong with me or not.
I fucking HATE these little third party clinics so much they are always canceling the day before or telling me actually I need to go to another location bcs they can't do it at this one or claiming they called me to tell me the date got moved when I didn't get a phone call AT ALL. Why are they so poorly managed. Why does no one know who works at what location or what location does what procedure. Y'all are doing serious diagnostic tests to confirm if people have like cancer or some shit, I've had procedures done at them twice to make sure I don't have cancer, but they still play SO fast and loose with people's time and yank us around.
I genuinely miss the days when they would just send you to the hospital to have this stuff done, they aren't great but at least when they say they can do something they can actually do it. Jesus christ. I'm so tired.
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Hello, I hope it's not rude but I'm REALLY REALLY fond of your art!!!!! I was scrolling through your blog from new to old and found that you have Bpd,,,. I only heard about this condition, what is it like? If it's ok to know,,,!
hello, thank u! uhm it's something? HAHAHAHA idk how to explain it 😭🏳 lemme try to be as direct as possible
I'm high-functioning, but there are points I seriously just start showing symptoms.
Emotions: INTENSE as it can get while FEELING 99 PERCENT EMPTY. Something just- keeps you so.. hungry (not literally). Sensory is also another factor, and honestly I burn out a lot, tend to get overwhelmed n meltdown like shit
Identity: I either have BEEF WITH it, feel GODLY, or be so LOW, really low. I live with both passion and hate. I'm very confused. But I can say I'm just tired!
Attachments: Relationships are so hard to maintain bc of how much I fear abandonment, like bro I can't even leave my family as much as I want to. I'm more scared of getting disowned or losing my name. Love is a concept I long to grasp at the same time scared of it, I don't understand jackshit about " love ".
> I tend to self-Isolate with or without reason
> ...I used to test other people whether they can handle me or not, whether they'd leave or not. Not anymore though, but the thought lingers.
> Very- paranoid- about.. perception, neglect and invalidity HAHA.
Mindset: They call it Black and White, or generally just two categories to label my perception of things. However, I try to understand AS MUCH AS I CAN about a situation, etc. See what's in-between before I decide. that's really hard for me to do LOL.
> I always do my best to think and be nice
> I can be so fucking bad at the same time, only to regret it the next second or so
> My mind is scattered all over the place, It's exhausting
Trauma: I have memory problems and a lot to connect with that. Hate and fear is what I'm accustomed to. I live with a fuck ton of active predicaments like hell. Old wounds keeps reopening, and new ones never closes.
Impulse: shows in speech more than in action (THANK GOD LMAO I'D DIE IF I LET MY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS WIN)
Habits: uhm. Ranging from sunshine and rainbows to SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. I get obsessive, like.. really obsessive.
Coping mechanisms: Usually I have mood stabilizers and anti-depressants n shit, but I don't rely on them anymore (bc I can't keep buying). I don't have good coping mechanisms even for physical needs. It's so bad bro. So I just end up drawing. that's the only good one I can list.
Living with it: Exhausting and an internal war 24/7. Does it affect me physically? Yes. Does it come with other mental factors and conditions? Also yes! But as one of God's most tired soldiers, nothing I can do but keep walking.
What I'm confused about: dawg last time, i kept searching about how conditions co exists like— Thats normal?? N the last diagnosis I was in confirms it does and nothing to worry about. BLUD I AM DEF WORRYING. Autism n bpd? u mean my behavior and shit isnt meant to be invalid as most people perceive — u mean these fckass experiences built that bpd? ☠️ WHAT AM I THEN—
(I'm having a hard time believing it bc as an adult, it's harder to process information like these)
#messyr#uhh HAHA! people n my environment -- is like- all fun and games until you actually start showing mentally ill shit yknow?#like whoa didnt know ur fkin crazy or like in a way theyll say or avoid bc they cant handle what theyre seeing#some stays to understand and help and i am VERY grateful for them.#bpd#no i dont mind answering questions like these#if anything i like sharing the experience bc ik other people are able to relate to it or have the same#at least they know they are heard and valid#comorbid conditions
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I think what I want to get into with the "Anyone can do harm." thing that I keep beating yall over the head with is that literally anyone, anyone at all can do harm it's not "in your DNA" to be an abuser or written in the stars that you'll be a predator.
Whatever image you have of an abuser in your head, drop it and replace it with your favorite person in the world and you'll probably be closer to the truth than you realize.
It's easy to address harm when it's coming from someone you already hate.
I see it happen all the time. Someone you couldn't stand for no real reason does something heinous then all of a sudden here comes the avalanche of "I always knew they were a fucked up individual."
No, you didn't.
There is no possible way you could have known, you just already didn't fuck with them before they started doing something you could use to justify your hatred of them. I'm guilty of it too! I'm petty, mean, vindictive, and yes! I'm way quicker to believe something bad about someone I hate versus someone I love because I'm human. Still, y all gotta learn to move past that initial "Well, they were always nice to me!" gut feeling and understand that nobody truly knows anyone and anyone can be capable of anything. Even victims. Even you.
#thotty speaks#thotty rants#I was thinking about that Christine chan post and its like yeah yall really don't know how bad it got for her before she did what she did#It reminded me of that thing on tiktok where people take 'cringy' cosplayers videos (most of whom are literal children) and put racist or#bigoted text over it then reupload it to call them out then the og creator gets a flood of harassment mostly from people who hated them for#the crime of being weird on the internet but now they can use 'oh but they're a bigot!' as an excuse to tear them down until they come out#and say 'hey i didn't say this someone stole my shit' and nobody takes their vids down nor apologizes because they didn't fuck with them#anyway so wash rinse repeat#idk I just wish that people had the same smoke for people they actually like#mostly cause I'm tired of being accused of 'switching up' every time I cut people off or stop fuckin with an artist#like this is what we should be doing!!!! ACG ANYBODY CAN GET IT!#It should be smoke for ANYONE who does harm every your fave people!#otherwise you create this world where taking people to task for the harm they've done is less about the harm#and more about justifying our own actions#anyway keep that same energy across the board that's all I'm saying#cause if it comes out tomorrow that somebody close to me did some fucked up shit I'm out of there period#aint no talkin bout shit and that's on me growing up as a child told that certain grown folks can't be alone with me#but they allowed in my house...#Idk about yall but i'm ending that generational curse with me
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being jewish with zero affiliation to israel and rather a generational line of activists for palestine is a hard line to walk and sometimes i wish i could just fall off
#i hate zionist jews i hate i stand with israel signs in my neighborhood i hate leftists who write and speak and act like theyve never met an#actual jewish person in their life and believe that were all genocidal monsters (in spite of our own genocide which i assume will eventuall#flip around to leftist holocaust denial) i hate that people are blaming israeli civilians for the faults of their deeply corrupt government#i hate that i cant say zionism is inherently antsemitic without getting fucking maimed i fucking hate it here the world is on fire just#fucking let me burn#anyways#sorry#free palestine#any other#jumblr#girlies (gn) relating to my vent#bc im started to feel ashamed of myself my culture and my people#and its such a fucking shitty feeling#like i can barely look in palestine / gaza / etc. tag without seeing blindingly blatant antisemitism coming from left right and center#like just say you hate jews and fuck off#i cant look at this shit anymore fuck#idk why im so worked up about this rn i just. btwn weeding out all the zionist blogs i didnt know i followed and just being so fucking-#and weeding out all the antisemitic leftist blogs i didnt know i was supporting its all just crashing down#im so fucking tired#and im so fucking tired of having to defend myself any time i talk about the jewish experience in any of this#and im so fucking tired of people equating judaism with religion only#and im so fucking tired of the double standard of also equating with only one race#like there arent jews of every race#the reason you cant see any of this shit is because nearly a century later were still dealing with the aftermath of the 6mil person murder#were always at the cross roads of some ridiculous double standard or the scapegoat for when things are going badly#like fuck i just#dont want to have this fucking identity anymore it makes me a walking talking breathing living fucking target#idk what to do I'm just#desolate
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in my hater era
#sophie speaks#tw vent#like. what. what???#i do try not to upset anyone with trauma dumping or whatever but sometimes that bites me in the ass because people assume I'm not strugglin#struggling hugely#had one of my most violent meltdowns ever recently and it was after pushing myself to do something#and you know. thats on me#but saying like#im NOT trying??#i dont want to start any problems but oh my GOD what do you think being sick constantly does to a person#what???#trying to be a proper adult here but i am quite upset#idk how are you supposed to deal with shit like this#express this has upset you and that you are having a hard time#but then they dont believe you??#trauma dump it is. hope you enjoy my psychiatrists notes#like im level 2 support needs autistic. i need a little fucking leeway or i genuinely try to kill myself#i KNOW its pathetic i KNOW its weak but my number one priority is keep myself alive#im so tired#ive been suicidal for like 7 years now#my life sucks so incredibly hard and I'm in constant pain and that just#it doesnt make me willing to deal with this shit#cripplepunk core lmao#cripple and im going to kill you#this is just geniunely upsetting#i feel like i need a good cry#i really am so tired#i feel like i just dont want to do this#why am i paying for this? why am i doing this?#if im not enjoying this why the fuck would i do it
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Man I really cannot write for shit anymore.
#it’s just so BAD#Actually hi I'm back to go off some more in the tags I JUST#LIKE#I get that it's a skill you hone and momentum is a thing#I get that#but also hoollly shit I got so bad at this#like surely I am the only one to whom what I just said doesn't apply#and I'm just really stupid and somehow got stupider?#idk like my brain tries to think of words and the bitch is like but I am le tired#no joke I get TIRED trying to FORM SENTENCES in my BRAIN#what the FUCK is that about??#Like I USED to be able to do this can you become IRREPARABLY WORSE at a skill??#I'M FINE IT'S FINE
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i am too mentally exhausted to even deal with this shit anymore with my mom and grandma and low key wish i'd go comatose for a few years to be left alone tbh
#had a clean up service come by to see the damage and give a quote on the estimate and my grandma wasnt having it#she got upset and started crying to them about she has only 1 daughter and is trying to help her and they're trying to tell her that keepin#all that junk isn't gonna be helping anyone especially my mom but she wasn't getting it and i said i'm not helping clean the junk that's#all around the house cuz i'm tired of it all and having to manage my emotions since i am for sure emtotionally stunted from my childhood#and have to deal with a schitzophrenic mom and an absent sister who's balls deep in denial while i'm struggling to find a job here#and my grandma always stressing me ot saying she's gonna kick me out isn't fucking helping here at all like she thinks it does#so when they left she spent all day sobbing on the phone how i'm a terrible granddaughter who wants to throw out good stuff#when i'm not gonna keep helping sell shit for my mom cuz my sister can do it as her family contribution since she did nothing since dad die#and the thing is i gave them all options on clearing shit out cuz i know this family by now and shit doesn't get tossed but it migrates#cuz i said months ago i can ask some friends if they could come down and help sort and declutter#grandma said no to that and said she'll kick me out if i do it and she didn't want to pay for my mom's shit to get moved into a storage uni#she leaves the clean up to my mom and i think the backyard got worse but she didn't call anyone to throw out the junk like she threatened t#so i call a fucking hoarders clean up service cuz that's what my family is on my mom's side at this point and the city will be called too#and she has this reaction cries all day and calls everyone to say i'm horrible and yells at me saying i'm the one killing her with stress#when she's already been doing that for months to herself when i'm just tired and possibly mildly depressed or something idk#i barely leave my room and don't go outside except to walk my dog but idk cuz my family's attittude was we don't go to doctors cuz#cuz they're for crazy people but of course it's gotta switch up for my mom and no one else and i'm just sick of it all#grandma doesn't accept free help and she won't accept help that i pay for myself with my money set aside for school so i'm done#unlike her when i say i'll do something i stick to it so i'm not doing shit anymore unless i can call a friend to help with this mess#it's gonna sound like such a horrible thing but i can't wait for my family to die so i can live in a clean home again and get help#like deep serious help cleaning and big time grief councelling cuz i barely had time to process my dad's death and being the one to find hi#and that was just this february like god i am going to need so much fucking therapy in my future it's almost rediculous#and probably say screw my mom's side and visit my dad's side a lot more since they seem to be the normal ones in this shit family tree#at least they're not stupid and leave junk everywhere where one neighbour getting sick of not being able to sit outside and enjoy their yar#without mountains of junk staring them right in the face and landing a notice from the city to clean up especially since#we have chainlink fences and at least 7 neighbours can see the backyard and everyone can see the front porch when passing by#i'm just tired of living in these suffocating households and even wanna file a report myself to kick them into gear#its horrible living like this and no one should live surrounded by junk and things they never use or even garbage
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one of the... weirdly good thing about AI art invading the illustration field is that now, whenever i look at art that doesn't cater to my weird fucking taste, i'm able to appreciate the efforts and creativity that are put into making the artist's own personal vision come to life
#i don't like talking about this whole shit because its fucking tiring#but damn if there's one good thing about AI art to me as an artist myself#its that it makes me appreciate other artists despite our difference in taste or aesthetic#because... dude drawing is hard#no matter what handicapped you got#me personally? i'm struggling a lot with my arms and chest pain lately#add into the whole general anxiety shit and my motivation to draw goes haywire#yet... when i actually able to draw... refine parts of the art i'm currently working on#it makes me realized how much i enjoyed doing this#and the thought that other artists who i admired also able to experience this joy too#idk i feel some sort of camaraderie with them#so yeah i think people should try to learn how to draw than steal other people's art just to scam others#tmi tag
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Things are just so bleak man.
#vent#just me rambling#SO many fucking things#first off and maybe the least bad of all#that one studio that contacted me for a feature film turned me down ultimately#i WANT so dearly to work on features. it's what i want to do. but nobody will give me a chance#because they all want experience on features to work on features. well how do you guys think this works#i'm so tired of it and discouraged#but ultimately that's the least of the issues because#my usual studio is going under. they been struggling financially for years and the CEO did a special meeting to say it#they're lowering activity (one friday every two weeks is off to try and save money) and have 6 months to get back on their feet#which is nothing. they can't find producers willing to dump money in the studio in 6 months esp with ENOUGH to pull it out of the gutter#if they're not better off in 6 months the CEO said ''then ill get back to you with terrible news'' and didn't detail but we know. we know#it's basically said and done in my mind. my main studio as big as it was is crashing down. and idk what ill do.#i bought a flat in this city due to this studio being there- without it this place has no more work to offer me. empty city#job security doesn't exist anymore#and we all know why. producers are much more squeamish about investing in animation because ai is here#why would you give money to allow hundreds of workers to live and pour passion in projects when you can pay a pathetic percentage of that#with midjourney or whatever the shit and get an easy cheap show. rack in more money for smaller an investment#and tumblr is going down that route too. can't get a fucking break anywhere#i'm heartbroken and grieving the world we lost#in a bunch of years looking at art while 100% knowing a person made it with intent will be a memory#being able to not even think about it is already out of our hands#ai 'art' will be everywhere and it will become a new normal. and i'm just.. man.#the world feels so empty already
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funniest (/s) irony about my pains is that the only painkiller that actually helps (mostly, not entirely) likely also makes them worse in the long run. i just love having a body and being alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#i don't know what to do 😭😭😭😭😭 i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow ig I'll ask him#since i don't have an actual diagnosis yet idk if it's actually a big no-no like it is for ppl with the disease i MIGHT have#but given my symptoms match up and keep coming back despite me supposedly taking medicine to help#i think it's safe to assume i should at least treat my body as if it has it#(also when i say symptoms i mean more than pains like. i mean actual internal inflammation n shit like that)#god. god I'm so tired. i have to take a painkiller every day bc it's just so unbearable#but ik taking them this often isn't a good idea. and i can't mix them up with others bc like i said it's the only one that helps#I'm so so tired of being in pain. and being scared to do basic things my body needs in order to function bc they make the pain worse#fucking drinking water makes the pains worse sometimes 😭😭😭😭 but it's not like i can avoid that#and every source i read said an unstable mental state makes it worse so that's just great.#bro the pains make my mental state worse!!!! this is a neverending cycle!!!!!! i want to fucking dieeeeeee#vent#medical //#ask to tag
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Y'know I think I'm starting to truly understand the kids who just didn't do anything in class during middle and high school. As someone who used to be a gifted kid and never really got it. Fucking hell
#ramblings#neg#gee idk maybe when things are hard and explained in ways that are uninteresting and difficult to understand ppl won't want to participate!#who would've thought!#i always had some sympathy for ppl who struggled in school even when they seemed 'lazy' or whatever#but like i never truly got it bc to me most of that stuff was easy!#classes were engaging enough for me and usually easy enough to understand!#i was at a point where i had over a 4.0 gpa when i graduated which is SUPPOSED to mean i'm smart right??#WRONG#I DID WHAT TO ME WAS THE BARE MINIMUM FOR MOST THINGS#I DIDN'T EVEN STUDY EVER BC NOTHING EVER STUCK THAT WAY#IT WAS ALL JUST A GAME OF MEMORIZATION#AND BARELY ANYTHING I LEARNED FROM MY CLASSES STUCK AFTER A COUPLE MONTHS OF NOT GOING TO SCHOOL#ALL I EVER DID WAS GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS#Y'KNOW SOMETIMES IT REALLY IS GOOD TO QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD HUH#SHOULD'VE JUST DONE THAT INSTEAD OF GOING THROUGH THIS SHIT#GOD I AM SO FUCKING TIRED. I DON'T WANT TO THINK ANYMORE#i am. so tempted. to just not do any of my work#but if my mom finds out i will never hear the end of it#i want to sleep. i want to sleep and stop thinking abt this. so so bad
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grabbing my period by the throat. leave me the fuck alone
#rambling#vent#i have been super extra uber emotional this cycle#and it's pissing me the fuck off.#i hate being that 'god sorry it's my period' person but AAAAAAAAAA#i'm so stressed and the littlest things piss me off and i'm just so miserable#i wanna go home but i have two more fucking hours here#and then i have to fill up my tires#and i'm tired and it's gonna be cold and i've never fucking done that before!!!#what if i do it wrong. what if i fuck it up and fuck up my car because i'm too dumb to put air in them#i just wanna cry so bad but i'm still at WOOOOORK and i'll be trapped here FOREVER#with these dumbass stupid confusing calls and angry customers#and shit idk how to do yet. blarg
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no but actually, when I was like 16 I decided to get in deep with the cult, like fanatically deep. Donating my entire allowance and dedicating myself to biweekly bible study deep. Mainly because I had deluded myself into thinking that if only I could become a perfect jehovah’s witness, god would heal my crippling gender dysphoria by either taking pity on me and simply give me a dick and testosterone for the low price of my freedom and dignity, or alternatively taking it away all together and let me live my life blissfully as a cis woman for all eternity in paradise. The latter never sounded appealing to me, and I’m not going to pretend that the blatant sexism within the cult wasn’t a part of it at all, but even if you removed it, I still didn’t particularly care for having tits. I did realize that the former alternative probably wasn’t likely to happen in the end, and that’s probably one of the big reasons I never could admit to actually just being a guy, even though it was kinda obvious. Cause when you know you can’t ever have something, it’s easier to pretend you never wanted it in the first place, lol
#ex jw#isn't it funny that I even entertained the idea of fucking JEHOVAH giving me top surgery or some shit?#dude are you daft? the babykiller who hates the gays? You really think THAT GUY would support trans rights?#also. my OG mutuals probably remembers me sort of coming out as nonbinary back then‚ and i want you to know that I was not#practically everything I ever said about my gender back then wasn't real and I KNEW it wasn't real. I was just scared as fuck lol#cause I couldn't open that can of worms and then close it again. and like yeah. experimenting with gender can be great and important#but I wasn't experimenting‚ I knew it wasn't completely right from the moment I said it and idk. I want that out in the open I guess lol#funny thing is I kinda did that thing AGAIN not that far back when I was like oh yeah any pronouns goes :) oh no it's they/them achtually#oh now im he/they and oh I just want to define anything and blah blah blah#and I was sitting there and I just asked myself what the hell I was doing cause you're a grown ass man and you KNOW you're spewing bullshit#like i thought i would keep things ambigous but in hindsight. the url i had and having my other name in my bio was kinda stupid#in my defence i didn't think about my url and i still don't really mind my legal name so lol#but i realized i was just pussyfooting around everything and i'm tired of it so yeah!#anyway. look at me revealing my fucking lore here. i've gotten way off track and idk what i was trying to get to#if you read this far you get like. knowledge about me you probably didn't want#you're welcome i guess? idk lol#insert drive through meme or something
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i know that the "adulting sucks" thing has been overdone to the point of obnoxious, but seriously
seriously
adulting fucking sucks
#running the numbers on my budget and calculating how much i can afford per month on things#bc i will likely need a new car soon and i need to figure out what kind of budget i have for it and what my options are#and i get a bill from a doctor's visit in fucking november for almost $150 after insurance payout and my copay and like.#hey i was told on my insurance shit that i would only have a $50 copay! and i had met my deductible!#it legitimately looks like they waited until it rolled over to charge my insurance specifically so i would no longer have met it#like the visit was in november. why did you wait until mid-april to payout?#my insurance rolled over at the beginning of april. huh. what a fucking coincidence.#idk who to call about this but this stinks of bullshit#i should not be owing that money. period. and there is absolutely no excuse for sending me the bill for it eight months later.#and i need to clean my apartment. and i need to feed myself at some point.#and i need to cancel att and set up the comcast internet that's recently been folded into rent as an amenity#i have already gone through and canceled all the subscriptions i don't use#so check that box off#and like. i don't want a roommate and i really am not looking for a relationship with anyone.#but doing all this shit on my own and having to pay every bill on my own and having to do all the cooking and cleaning on my own is just.#exhausting#i am so so tired#and i'm looking at things and i intend to go through online school for a communications degree which will be reimbursed through my job#and there may be a lead position opening up soon which everyone seems to be pushing me towards which would be a title change#and significant raise at the cost of added stress#and i feel like butter spread over too much bread#i need to work anti-burnout measures into my schedule and budget now to get the structure i'll need#but i am already so tired#but i need the raise and i need the degree to gtfo of this career
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We need better fucking care infrastructure. I should not be trusted with anyone's care ever 💛
#thing is caring for myself? I'm not GREAT at it but i can scrape by#i know my limits i know how much or little i need to survive i know that i can usually more or less bounce back after a tough time#i think if my life fell out from under me i could probably scrape it back even if i wound up doing a lot of couch surfing in the meantime#i genuinely don't know how I'll survive if i have to be fucking sole carer for someone#dad's on his way back now and he's been prescribed antibiotics and hopefully that's that#but at least a couple of times a year there's some shit like this#an awful cough or an infection or a fucking insane choice to like do some diy on the outside of the house standing on the windowsill#he fucking nearly chokes on his food once or twice a week#maybe he's just one of those cockroach type motherfuckers who'll never die no matter how the universe steps on him#but I'm fucking PISSED that he's taking that for granted and won't even sit and fucking talk to me about what happens when his luck runs out#I've been looking after mum alone for what four hours today and I'm already so tired and frustrated i wanna die#i am. a deeply impatient and unsociable creature.#i can be infinitely patient with friends! those are my fave people i chose to have them in my life I'd wait like a fucking mountain for them#mum and i were.... already sort of At Odds before all this started.#i'm the kid she never 100% really wanted and who never really 100% wanted to be here#and now we're stuck together and one day possibly sooner than any of us want it will be. just the two of us.#and i just. i don't know what that looks like. i really don't.#anyway. mental breakdown over hopefullly.#with a bit of luck dad and i actually fucking TALK before the next one#idk man. i never really knew what i wanted to do with my life but i thought I'd have time to figure it out#but maybe I'm just. the unqualified burnout with covid memory damage and a whole ass other human to care for#the exact thing i set out to avoid when i decided never to have kids#anyway. enough oversharing.#thank you anyone who's read my spiralling tag rambles in solidarity i love you#mr. bees speaks
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#I'm so tired explaining to my nt parents my “ disordered eating''#YES I'M FUCKING AWARE THAT NOT BEING HUNGRY ISN'T NORMAL#i figured that shit out over my 18 years on this planet#food sometimes makes my want to gag#i find it really unappealing#I'm not hungry a good amount of those times#or just too tierd to put the food on my plate#ik shocker that's not normal either#but i can't help it#if i could i fucking would#telling that it's not normal doesn't actually help me with it#idk what's wrong with me#and yeah i don't care that much about fixing it#I'm tiered always stressed and doing many other things to fix this#i take advantage of it though to a degree bc dieting and loosing weight has been on my mind since preschool#it's sad af#i remember looking down at my stomach and thinking that i need to loose some weight#i remember how sad i was the next couple of days bc i couldn't restrict myself from eating as easily as i could in the past#i was probably 5 fucking years old but at this point is a core memory of mine#i wish i could love eating again as much as i did#but i can't#whatever is wrong with my head has messed with my appetite so badly that i can't go back#diet culture has convinced me that gaining weight is bad even though I'm underweight and need to#but same as the last time this happened i don't do it on purpose this time at least I'm self aware enough to stop it before it reaches the#point of starting to loose my hair#it's messy and complicated i don't know how to fix it but their response doesn't help either it makes things worse
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