Tumgik
#oh now im he/they and oh I just want to define anything and blah blah blah
spokelseskladden · 2 years
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no but actually, when I was like 16 I decided to get in deep with the cult, like fanatically deep. Donating my entire allowance and dedicating myself to biweekly bible study deep. Mainly because I had deluded myself into thinking that if only I could become a perfect jehovah’s witness, god would heal my crippling gender dysphoria by either taking pity on me and simply give me a dick and testosterone for the low price of my freedom and dignity, or alternatively taking it away all together and let me live my life blissfully as a cis woman for all eternity in paradise. The latter never sounded appealing to me, and I’m not going to pretend that the blatant sexism within the cult wasn’t a part of it at all, but even if you removed it, I still didn’t particularly care for having tits. I did realize that the former alternative probably wasn’t likely to happen in the end, and that’s probably one of the big reasons I never could admit to actually just being a guy, even though it was kinda obvious. Cause when you know you can’t ever have something, it’s easier to pretend you never wanted it in the first place, lol
#ex jw#isn't it funny that I even entertained the idea of fucking JEHOVAH giving me top surgery or some shit?#dude are you daft? the babykiller who hates the gays? You really think THAT GUY would support trans rights?#also. my OG mutuals probably remembers me sort of coming out as nonbinary back then‚ and i want you to know that I was not#practically everything I ever said about my gender back then wasn't real and I KNEW it wasn't real. I was just scared as fuck lol#cause I couldn't open that can of worms and then close it again. and like yeah. experimenting with gender can be great and important#but I wasn't experimenting‚ I knew it wasn't completely right from the moment I said it and idk. I want that out in the open I guess lol#funny thing is I kinda did that thing AGAIN not that far back when I was like oh yeah any pronouns goes :) oh no it's they/them achtually#oh now im he/they and oh I just want to define anything and blah blah blah#and I was sitting there and I just asked myself what the hell I was doing cause you're a grown ass man and you KNOW you're spewing bullshit#like i thought i would keep things ambigous but in hindsight. the url i had and having my other name in my bio was kinda stupid#in my defence i didn't think about my url and i still don't really mind my legal name so lol#but i realized i was just pussyfooting around everything and i'm tired of it so yeah!#anyway. look at me revealing my fucking lore here. i've gotten way off track and idk what i was trying to get to#if you read this far you get like. knowledge about me you probably didn't want#you're welcome i guess? idk lol#insert drive through meme or something
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ikenugs · 4 years
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I was literally just thinking of what new thing I should fantasize in my head about, and that's when my dad called me to say good night. As like everyone in my family says, "Goodnight, love you" or something along the lines and gives each other a hug. So the Mc really missing the same practices her parents used to do, as she had an affectionate family. While also being too afraid to ask anyone about it, especially Nobunaga.
Ikesen Scenarios~ Goodnight Hugs
And here she found herself in the meeting room, yet again being dragged from the comfort of her bed and bearsace. Agriculture was a very important part of Azuchi's economic structure and was thought to produce some of the ripest crops around. Though along with that, to have the ability to cultivate the land, the farmers had to acquire the right materials and skillfully use them. The Oda had just received fertile land a little to the east, so this meeting was mainly about transporting supplies there and investing the money for the supplies. Though she didn't recall much that she learned in school on Japanese history, she found this sorta thing a bit interesting. Obviously, it's different reading it from a textbook you've been staring at for hours, then actually experiencing and observing farmers. Watching them plow fields instead of using huge machines that pollute the Earth, like they do in the future. She hadn't seen anything beyond Azuchi's bustling shopping area, aside from the woods and Honno-Ji. So it'd be nice to see more of ancient Japan. She was still very sleepy, and blah blah money, blah leader accounting financial stuff. And you could occasionally see the drool falling from her mouth, as she dozed off. Though she did brighten up when they began decided who would deliver the supplies. Which ended up being Masamune, as he was 'itching to get out and cause some mischief somewhere else' resulting in a whack from Hideyoshi. Besides that he glanced over at her with his signature cheeky grin, "Would you like to accompany me, Lass?" Now that wasn't an offer she could just refuse, again, a bit of adventure couldn't hurt. She wondered how different their lives were compared to Azuchi. "Well, that would be lovely, only if I'm not a burden." Which she could see the unmistakable glint of mischief in his eyes, and knew there was more than just and invite to deliver materials. For all she knows, that look could mean he's gonna set a tree on fire and tie her to it. Maybe throw a dagger at her while he's at it, so this was going to be some journey.
In a commanding tone, Nobunaga officially dismissed them all, though everyone lingered and chatted comfortably. Now that it was over, she couldn't stop herself from imagining the toasty feeling of her bed 'soon my love'. It didn't ease the thoughts that have been pestering her recently though, they were thoughts about her family, ones she missed dearly. She recalled when her father would knock on her door to tell her goodnight and give her a hug. Her loved ones always hugged and wished everyone a 'goodnight, love you', as she grew up in a very affectionate family. So, you could say that she was feeling quite 'touch starved', not in a thirsty way, but a pure one. All the warlords gathered in that very room, we're playing the roles of her Sengoku family, and she loved them all very much. But she missed her old family habits, she was even affectionate towards her friends and loved hugs. So even after being there for a month, it was difficult not to reminisce on her past (or now, future). She didn't notice that she had zoned out in deep thought, her gaze landing right beside Nobu's head. He silently scrutinized her, it seemed as though she wanted something.
"Is there something you need, Emi? You've been staring at me for the past few minutes now." Now she was alert, and apologized sheepishly. "I-im very sorry, I was just thinking about something. And was wondering......um.." Mitsuhide's attention was drawn to the flustered girl before Nobunaga and chuckled a bit 'what could she be on about now?' She tried to begin again, shakily, " uh.... Well, umm.. You see... I" He raised his eyebrow as if to say, 'if you're gonna say something then get on with it' She just started at his desolate frosty eyes, with lack of warmth. Asking him for affection may not be the best, maybe Mitsunari would be easier to ask? "Actually, uh.. I think I'll just go ask Mitsunari, instead.." Emi began to think away from the lord. 'What does Mitsunari have that I don't?' Is what went through his brain as he waited to see what would happen if she asked the sweetheart of their group.
With a blush still dusting her cheeks, she reached a hand and tapped on Nari's shoulder, who turned around with a welcoming smile. "Lady, Emi!!" She giggled at his innocent reaction, her conversations with him were a bit flowier. Yet again she became a little shy, but the friendliness radiating off of the sweet angel gave her the courage to continue. "Mitsunari, .......? Could you give me a hug??" He titled his head for a moment then spoke, "A..........hug?..Well, of course Lady, Emi!" He then embraced her tenderly, what a fricken cinnamon roooooooooooooolllllll.
"Is it comfort that you seek? Because I can't give that to you." Nobu said as monotone as ever, Nari's enthusiasm had drawn all eyes and ears. "So you just wanted to ask for an embrace, then?" She bowed her head a bit towards him and spoke what was bothering her. "Well, yes, but that's not everything. You see I was just missing my family, and we had a practice where before bed we all gave each other hugs and said that we loved each other. And whenever we did that... I got a warm feeling in my chest, it always helped me sleep." They all noticed the wistful look in her eyes, it was difficult to ignore the way her heart ached, a pleading for intimacy. It was a pretty lonely feeling. No one wanted to feel that way, and I guess the loneliness she felt could be understood by the lot. She couldn't see her family for at least two months around 61 days, it was a bit heartbreaking. She did have Sasuke and Bearsace other than the six there, but Sasuke was quiet busy doing Ninja stuff, and Bearsace isn't a person. She even tried expressing her emotion and passion in her sewing, but things like that were just momentary distractions from her inevitable feelings. Even though she was in a bit of a vulnerable state, Mitsuhide being the tease he is decided that this is perfect bait, and he couldn't just let this chance slip by, could he? He chuckled softly, and his eyes sparkled with amusement.
"So, if what my ears are hearing is correct, you want us to express our love for you and embrace you warmly as though you were our wives?" Emi immediately flushed, I guess in this time that would be something only lovers would do. "N-no, of course not, I just want a hug, as you guys are the closest thing to family I have here, " The unmistakable tear in her voice pierced the hearts of even the coldest warlords in the room. Her hair covered her eyes as she bowed down, she had said her family was so far you couldn't point it out on a map, but they were in different TIME PERIODS. But, she couldn't cry, a show of weakness like this one could cost her too many precious things in the Sengoku period. Her actions even made Mitsuhide loss his composure for just a moment, only a second though.
Hideyoshi frowned and looked seriously towards his vassal. "Mitsunari, " "My Lord, should we........?" "I believe it's time..." Mitsunari nodded in understanding. Ieyasu's face turned to one of dread, of pure horror. Mitsuhide raised a singular eyebrow, as Masamune grinned, Nobu remained stoic, though you could see the shine in his cold eyes.
Ieyasu quickly protested, "No........... You must be kidding me, no way. Nuh uh. I refuse to participate in that, not again." She looked up concerned, what could possibly be so awful to have Ieyasu practically running in the opposite direction. Well, actually there are lots of things, having to interact with Mitsunari, acknowledging his emotions, another one of Hideyoshi's lectures, the list just goes on. This time Nobunaga stepped in to assist, "Ieyasu, " He gave a stern unwavering look, "Do you dare.... Betray the Oda by defending the victim due to your lack of being able to process physical--" "Ugh, please stop. Fine. But if you ever speak of this again, you won't wake up the next morning." This caused Mitsunari to break out in a sweet smile.
After their interaction, each one, with Ieyasu a bit more hesitant than the others, began to surround the poor girl trapped in the middle. Even Nobunaga had arose from his dias. They slowly began tightening around her, closing in on their one and only target. 'Victim?! What we're they going to do to her?! Did her declaration define her as too weak?!' Suddenly, they all slowed to a stop, a calm before the storm, a glance passed around the circle, resulting in Emi's pulse to quicken to the pace of lightening. At last, the look ended at Hideyoshi, who gave the final nodding signal.
"GROUP HUG!!!" Rang around the room as the warlords pounced on her, squishing her tight in the middle. She opened her eyes only to see a cluster of the six samurai clutching onto her in a warm embrace. Correction, actually, five samurai, as Ieyasu lingered and watched. Masamune was the first to notice, "Come on Ieyasu, wouldn't it be nice to get in on the action?! Don't be such a sourpuss!" Ieyasu scoffed at his comment, though it did look comfy, and comforting. "Oh, Ieyasu-sama, why don't you come join us?! You'd surely enjoy it!" Mitsunari called to him, that sealed the deal, despite his snide comments towards Nari, he had a bit of a soft spot for the boy. Ieyasu sighed one last time, closed his eyes and walked towards the group. Ending up squished next to the very same angel, their cheeks almost touching.
After a few moments, they backed off only to uncover a beaming Emi. She actually thought they were going to like attack her or something, her heart felt so warm, she felt like poppers we're going off in her chest. In all her excitement she went around the room and hugged each one individually. Ieyasu didn't even deny her this time, her hug with Nobunaga was a bit odd, but still made her feel fuzzy and loved.
"Hey, why does Mitsunari get two hugs?" Masamune asked, "What if I wanted another one?" She smiled brightly again and began moving in for another hug, she never took Masamune as the overly affectionate type. At the last second, she realized his cheeky tactics. "You flirt?!" There was still this feeling on her heart, as they laughed away his attempts. And each said their good night's before the sweet girl skipped out of the council room. A satisfied look on her face. Nobunaga rested his cheek on his palm as he watched her go. Shortly after they heard the crash and concerned apology from their princess.
"What an unusual woman........."
Sasuke's whole face was beet red as he watched the whole situation play out. He could most definitely say he was jealous of the woman, +15 Jealousy gained! Fanboi mode activated! If there was ever a time he wanted to fall through the ceiling tiles, it was then, how lovely it would have been to join the group hug.
"Wow, who knew the Oda were such softies....." Whispered a soft voice behind him, he jumped a bit and had to adjust himself as to not actually fall through the ceiling. "Yuki?!" He had forgotten he brought his BFF along, his fanboi had placed him in his own little world.
Needless to say, she slept very soundly and happily that night..
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I SWEAR, GET THE HISTORY BOI HIS VERY OWN PERSONAL GROUP HUG! Anyways, but just imagine this scenario, it's like so adorable. Also, Ieyasu had learned what that look meant the hard way, as he hadn't seen Wasabi for a few days and he was a little saddened by that fact, despite claiming Wasabi could run away anytime and he wouldn't care. As Mitsuhide could practically pick up anything, like the sneaky snake he is. It started with a whisper from Mitsuhide to a gasp from Hideyoshi, and with a look from his vassal, he was actually like AMBUSHED and HARASSED with hugs. It did make him feel better, though he'd never admit it lol.
Ieyasu and Mitsunari make such a cute pair don't ya think 😊 (whether platonic or not). Also I realize I forgot to include Ranmaru.. Forgive me for that...
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hujikin · 6 years
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How Kubo developed Romance in bleach (IR mostly)
http://www.well-storied.com/blog/the-dos-and-donts-of-crafting-your-storys-love-interest (Here is the link I used to reference for any writers out there.)
Types In Bleach
Enemies to Lovers
Friends to Lovers
Love Triangles
Second Chances at Love
Rags-to-Riches Romances
Star-Crossed Lovers
Opposites Attract
Fated Romances
Pretend Relationships
Love at First Sight
Royal Romances
Arranged or Political Marriages
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Isshin’s and Maskai’s love and destiny gets repeated in Ichigo and Rukia (sigh* Kubo o.o)
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Here Kubo introduces love tri and displays jealousy in Orihime (I know some I/H is gonna say some ish about how IR isn’t romantic blah blah well look Orihime displayed a jealousy towards Rukia and her effect on Ichigo and this is after Rukia had said (lied ill explain) that she didn’ t like Ichigo so why feel jealous of a close friend? Why would Kubo put this in if it was unnecessary? She wasn’t jealous of Tatsuki, because Rukia is special to Ichigo in a way she is not.
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Rukia shows the series signature fake smile as she puts up her actor front and denies feelings for Ichigo but we get a look into her inner thoughts and she mentions “love, companionship and friendship” And how her like or hate for Ichigo is troublesome. She wouldn’t mention love of she wasn’t thinking of it or feeling it. She also separated love and friendship, if all she felt was a simple friendship for Ichigo she wouldn’t need to say love. Then we take into consideration her expression Bleach’s signature fake smile; a smile in the series that shows that you are pretending, lying, holding back emotion and/or putting up a front. Multiple characters have used this smile (below). Why would Rukia use a fake smile while answering about her feelings for Ichigo? She has never been one to beat around the bush this here displays that Kubo wanted Rukia to have feelings for Ichigo different from friendship, something that was growing. He even titled the chapter Needless Emotions.
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#1: CHOOSE THE TYPE OF CHEMISTRY YOU’D LIKE TO BUILD.
Chemistry is that potent magnetism that draws two people — or, in our case, characters — together.
• A bond over shared interests or experiences • A broadening of one another's horizons • A grounding balance between dichotomous personalities • A shared admiration for one another’s spirits
Love interests that do not have lives outside of their story's protagonists aren’t characters at all, I’d argue. They are objects, cardboard cutouts, prizes to be won.
Your love interest should exist as a fully-formed individual, with a life outside of the protagonist's story. ( >.> hmmm lol)
Ichigo is stubborn, short-tempered, strong-willed, impulsive, genuinely compassionate and empathetic towards others . outspoken, hot-headed demeanor 
Rukia is grim, somber, stoic, straightforward, tactical, compassionate, selfless and had a difficulty making friends.
Before Rukia came along Ichigo did not smile because he blamed himself for his mother death. He was dealt with guilt and what some could say depression (rain in his heart) for years until after saving Rukia where we see his true smile for the first time, and this rain reappears many times to display Ichigo’s inner distress. Rukia is used as the cure to that distress multiple times, like here for example (below). One minute Ichigo is crying and covered in rain then after his powers are given back the rain stops completely and from then on out no one is getting rained on, not ginjou, Urahara, especially Ichigo, and so on, its as if that specific rain storm was related to Ichigo’s emotional turmoil and as soon as Rukia arrived and fixed everything it stopped. Also notice how of everyone Rukia is the only one that isn’ t getting wet by the rain (Kubo all the f-ing symbolism for nothing)
Rukia comes into the first arc as a character that looks defeated and emotionless because she blames her self for Kaien’s death, she is alone and the only family she has doesn’t speak to her. Ichigo teachers her to trust other, to make friends, to smile as well, and gives her a stronger will to live. Everything that Kaien once did for her Ichigo now does for her. She puts her trust in others and now feels joy. If we see Rukia changes in expression from the first chapter to the end of the SS arc you see just how much of a positive impact Ichigo has on her.(look below)
They balance each other out and as Orihime said they have pure chemistry, Rukia brings out a great Ichigo, an Okay Ichigo, and makes Ichigo feel better 
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chapter 181> chapter 1 (Ichigo and Rukia change in expression
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#2: DEFINE YOUR PROTAGONIST’S ROMANTIC INTERESTS.
To choose the best type of chemistry to pursue in your story, you may find it helpful to first understand what your protagonist needs in a relationship. Not what they want or what they think they need, but what will truly bring a little love into their life. 
In the throughout the series we see an emotionally conflicted Ichigo constantly battling with his inner demons (literally). In the beginning we see him emotionally conflicted with his mother death, then with his hollow, then with his vasto lorde form (which I/H love to claim as an I/h moment even though that form caused im anguish/ despair lmao *look below*), then when he lost his powers, and so on. Rukia constantly ,not in all these moments but most, play a pivotal part in Ichigo’s emotional stability. Kubo makes her Ichigo’s rock (ray of light, stopper of rain/angish) he makes her someone Ichigo needs to get back to normal for four Arcs (Sub-shingami, SS, HM, and Fullbringer). He makes her the reason why Ichigo can smile again. He makes her what Ichgo needs. Not once has he made Hime that. Throughout the course of the series he made her a friend, a girl in love with Ichigo, a healer and comical relief ; but not once has she made her someone that resolves the main problems Ichigo has emotionally and mentally. Ichigo was literally depressed for a year and a half up and she couldn’t do anything for him and throughout the F.B Arc Ichigo doesn’t smile once... we get one of his fake smiles that makes Yuzu sad but that's about it
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GIVE YOUR LOVE INTEREST AUTONOMY.
This trope, which disproportionately affects female love interests, is a form of objectification that's sure to leave a bad taste in many readers' mouths. To counteract this, treat your love interest as the protagonist of their own story, giving them autonomy in the form of their own goals, desires, and needs. 
Hime has displayed this trope after the SS arc Kubo makes her a Kurosaki-Kun machine. Her feelings for Ichigo become the largest part of her character or her role as a healer or as a damsel. When they aren’t fighting hime is imagining him in Shojo like scene which is comical in a Shounen ( he went from Ichigo to Usui lol). We understand that she is working but often times when she is in a panel its because she is going to see Ichigo she doesn’t have her own story in the series. Not even some panels showing her working. Just her alone at home thinking about Ichigo, talking about Ichigo (to or not to Tatsuki), Her walking to Ichigo’s Job, Her going to Ichigo’s house, you get the point...
MAKE YOUR LOVE INTEREST IRREPLACEABLE.
Further your love interest's development as a character by giving them a role in your story that is unrelated to their romance with the protagonist. 
Rukia place in Ichigo’s life is unique. When Rukia disappears the first time Ichigo speaks on painfully feeling her absence (ch58). Then when he mentions Uryu he says that he’s absent but at least he would remember Rukia (instead of saying “oh yeah Uryu got hurt pretty bad so it makes sense that he’s absent...”) Then gain he mentions this odd feeling about how the world keep going even with out Rukia all in this chapter. This become reiterated in one of Kubo’s signature poems in Vol. 49(below) Ichigo now directly wonders again how can he keep up with the speed of the world without her in it ( It still makes me laugh when I/H deny this...) Then take into consideration that Rukia is the rain stopper (sadness stopper) in Ichigo’s life (another role only she has) Then the chapter where Ichigo gains his fullbringer powers, right before Rukia get a full page dedicated to her as Ichigo thinks of moment that could trigger his power and it is Rukia. Then when he loses his fullbring Rukia brings back his powers again. Rukia being the one who changed his world in general. Kubo again making all these specific decision, put Rukia’ s importance to Ichigo on the forefront. 
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ENSURE INFLUENCE IS A TWO-WAY STREET.
Relationships are a push-and-pull, a give-and-take. Protagonists are often challenged or transformed by their relationship with the love interest, but don’t forget to allow the relationship to shape your love interest in return.
Throughout the series Rukia is a positive influence to Ichigo. Not once has she ever caused negative development for him. The Ichigo has given Rukia people in her life that she can call her friends. He brings back joy in her life or as Renji says “ a shine in her face” (below) Because of Ichigo, Rukia gains the courage to finally confront Kaien’s family and she too begins to smile again. Because of Ichigo Rukia gets a second chance she can’t protect Kaien but she can protect Ichigo, he brings back her humanity and they give each other balance.
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Kubo built all of this up only to go left in the end...
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tumblunni · 6 years
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Man the manga makes it look so fun to be a Nobody!
I really marvel at how they captured the uncanny nature of the enemy Nobodies?? Cos seriously the whole point of them is that they look humanoid but move in really inhuman ways. And each individual enemy type has its own unique mannerisms for this, but in general its like..slugs? I'm pretty sure its slugs?? They stretch and squish and wiggle around and its like pretty much EXACTLY how medicinal leeches move, but thats a very underrated animal so its probably more likely it was slugs or worms. Like 'hey lets exaggerate slugs' but BELIEVE IT OR NOT THAT FATEFUL WIGGLIER SLUG DOES TRULY EXIST. And i love their cutie patoot lil faces. And the world needs to appreciate them more!
...ok im getting offtopic but you get the gist of what i mean. The basic Dusk enemies are vaguely humanoid things with their arms and legs tapering off into sticklike points, and they either wiggle them around like leech heads or hold their arms behind them naruto run style and use their entire body as a leech! Like its more likely that they pick up stuff by wrapping around it like a snake, rather than just using hands?? And also they can fly and stick to ceilings and just generally have loads of fun?? And look really pretty?? And some of the other more complex nobodies look even cooler doing their weird wiggle flying. Like the Assassin type have these weird big metal petal shapes on their arms that flutter like feathers and make them look like winged snakes crossed with.. Kites...? Kites made of kimonos? Being worn by a man with no face..?
SERIOUSLY WHO DESIGNED THESE FUNKY THINGS THEYRE SO UNIQUELY GENIUS
And aaa the Days manga has a REALLY good panel showing a big swarm of them in flight and it just looks SO MAGICAL AND SPOOKY! this is the exact kind of Aesthetically Nutso Ghost Monster Person i wish i could be! The manga is so cool at iimplying the same sense of inhuman motion by drawing them like motion tweens? Like theyre warped into wildly different body shapes in every panel and its just SO CREEPY and SO BADASS and SOMETIMES KINDA MAJESTIC AND ENDEARING EVEN! And this big flight scene has EVERY SINGLE INDIVIDUAL ONE drawn with its own different pose and mannerisms and like man every one of these weird squiggle flights looks like a world of fun to do!! God i love when superpowers actually look FUN, yo! It fuckin sucks that theyre just low level enemies and not ever playable. The only Nobodies that are playable or even get a big amount of screentime in cutscenes are the ones that ACTUALLY look humanoid and also move humanoid and BOOOO have zero traits of the monster theyre supposed to be. Like man just give me a whole game playing a lil bebby Nobody flying around! They remind me of the wanderers in Journey, they'd be so well suited to a chilled out exploration game like that.
And AAAAAA i get so sad thinking about how they're like bebbys!!! Noooo! Why do we not have more sympathy for them?? Like the particular way they write their 'bumbling weak enemy' scenes just comes off more like..well..sad thoughts about what happens when you lose your heart. Cos i mean the series really doesnt dwell much on the implications of the fact every single one of them used to be human! And whenever they're not being given orders by the higher ups in the organization, theyre just shown wiggling around flying in circles for fun, like a shoal of fish. They're so inhuman now, aside from vague resembelance in their appearances. They'd be seen as the cute wpodland critters in a disney princess musical number if they werent designated as monsters! Like they're not just 'dumb', they friggin dont remember how to talk anymore. And in their most memorable scene they dont understand the order "find this person" and can be easily tricked by photos of him. "Yes boss here is roxas he's a little more flatter than usual but here he is!" And they just keep gathering hundreds of the same person and never once cotton on to anything being wrong. Its so cute and also scary?? Cos seriously they are such eldritch monstrosities of fragmented soul that they move on to STEALING THE WORD PHOTOGRAPH. Just plucking it right out of the language! Failing so hard that you warp the laws of reality! I feel sorry for the poor lil guys, you definately cant say they didnt try as hard as possible!
AND SERIOUSLY THATS ALSO A COMMON TRAIT IN THE MANGA
I'm just so happy that they gave a bit more sympathy to the low level enemies because seriously WHO GIVES SUCH A GOOD DESIGN TO A LOW LEVEL ENEMY AND THEN BARELY EVER USES THEM FOR ANY SCENES
They actually give some sorts of pseudo dialogue to them?? Like during the kh2 prologue they show roxas being able to psychically perceive their thoughts while theyre trying to kidnap him. And its just so sympathetic and sad in retrospect?? They did a great job amplifying everything about this sequence because they made the Nobodies look so much scarier, made Roxas's life with his friends look even more heartwarming, and made it all super tense so you overlook all these little hints and just cheer for roxas in defeating these guys. But they left so many things that actually foreshadow that Roxas is a Nobody too, so reading this a second time is so sadddddd. I almost wish this was the first time i experienced the story, i think it does basically everything better than the original game version. Like seriously THAT ONE LINE OF WHAT THE WEAK ENEMIES ARE THINKING! "We've found you, my leige". THEY WERE JUST TRYING TO SAVE THEIR BOSS AND DIDNT KNOW WHY HE DIDNT RECOGNISE THEM. AND THEN HE ATTACKS THEM AND THEY DONT KNOW WHY!! aaa theyre just BABIES god theyre just ghost demon thingies that are like the larval stage compared to the main character versions. They dont remember who they were as humans, they just know they love their boss!! and he's apparantly been kidnapped by scary humans!! THEY WERE TRYING SO HARD TO SAVE HIM!! they got so damn close to taking over the town and they were swarming everywhere searching for him and Axel was trying so hard too and Diz just kept interrupting him before he cpuld explain or lying to roxas to manipulate them against each other! And axel even brought cake and icecream with him!! He was just trying to rescue his lil bro!!! Auuuugh seriously it was such a good twist that the Scary Monster Dudes were objectively in the right throughout this entire intro, and they just wanted to save Roxas's goddamn life. And he didnt even get to remember his peaceful days as a family with his fellow monster boyos until like five seconds before dying :(
Did anyone else just.. Not want to play kingdom hearts 2 after the prologue?
Like i couldnt stand the mood whiplash of going back to happy go lucky disney worlds with sora and having no more deep sad intriguing plot points for like ten hours of gameplay. And i could never take Organization 13 seriously as villains when the entire damn prologue was them being SUPER FUCKING SYMPATHETIC and the 'good guy' trying to murder a child in order to bring sora back. Like why am i supposed to be happy that he succeeded when i know sora himself would say no if he was told what sacrifice had to happen to bring him back? I would have been way more interested in this sequel having me play as roxas and try and take on the legacy of sora as the next hero and try and find a way to bring sora back without anyone having to die. Like the whole story could be people being all 'blah blah youre worthless youre not human your only purpose is to die for the sacrifice' and we explore all different sorts of 'heroes' doing horrible acts and justifying it to themselves because some people are just 'born evil' and its okay to do whatever you want to them. And Roxas is always struggling with almost believing that shit about himself, but in the end he does succeed to find a happy ending for everyone without a need for 'sacrifices'. And he learns to have self confidence and form his own identity and have more friendship scenes with Axel and co and also redeem all the other Nobodies please and also hug the tiny enemy childrens ones. I just did not feel much for the plot of kh2 at all except for the Nobodies!! Its just not sympathetic to have your 'heroes' arguing that 'oh they dont have hearts theyre not human they dont feel anything so theyre all evil and its all fine'. The game acts like this is true despite giving sympathetic backstories to half of them and the other half all die crying that they want to live!! What the fuck!! Like the only consolation is that they clearly cottoned on to the Org being RIDICULOUSLY POPULAR and later games literally bring all the most fan-loved ones back from the dead and add EVEN MORE sympathetic backstories and also here have a bigger villain who was really responsible and also he lied to them and theyre NOT really empty hearted and incapable of love. THEY ARE CONSTANTLY SHOWN HAVING THAT, EVEN THE WEAK LIL ENEMY DUDES HAVE ALL THAT LOYALTY TO ROXAS AAAAGH THEY DIED IN DROVES TRYING IN VAIN TO SAVE HIMMMMM
And god theyre so cute and so well designed and so sad and im sorry but AGGHHHH
I Forgot I Had So Many Emotions For The Emotionless Bebs :(
...also i really wish i cpuld get this pic of thos one panel to upload cos it looks real cool. I didnt think anything could make me love them more!!! Theyte just innocent weird snake bird worm person mannequin origami things. They just want to flutter around like messed up butterflies! And adorably poke at things they're curious about, and hold brooms awkwardly with their squiggle hands! The manga shows them doing lil chores around the house!! I LOVE THEMMMMMMM
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tylerwritez · 3 years
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Saturday, June 19 2021
I dont know how I feel about the day yet cos right now its only 10:13. I dont post these exactly on the days I write them, but I write them on these exact days nonetheless.
My throat still hurts, my ass hurts, oUch,.... I'm sure you know why. Like, when you suck dick, it takes throat strength to make sure you don't fucking vomit everywhere and like. I OBVIOUSLY dont have that strength since I had to wash vomit outta my hair this morning
Hes so hot tho oh. My god.
Whatever. New day. So we talk about new things.
Star seems kinda sad but I dont really know why? She said on her story that people dont really go outta their way to talk to her... idk. I shot a good morning dm and now I'm here. I made my bed. Packed up my shit. Every time we pack things up my parents rage cos they always find shit they dont want to see: monster cans, evidence of my self harm, etc.
We have 1 more week then school is OVER and I move outta this house cos of the divorce. Jay will be gone too... I still have his insta, but I might ask for his number... just in case. I always get weirdly attached to people I fuck even if there was never any romantic part of the relationship. We are just friends.
Apparently we are going to the pick n pack today with my friend let's call her Zara. It's notfar off from her real name but whatever. Basically pick n pack is where you go to a vegetable garden and pick vegetables
I have a test soon but idk if I'll study for it. I NEVER really put work into studying or pay attention in class and I'm holding an 82 average. I got a 39 once, so once I retake that quiz I might be in the 90s. Sorry Mr. Renal, I simply can't bring myself to care about your class 😢
I LOVE my art class tho. It's just doing ART!!!! ART TIME!!!! Art is the best and I would post some of mine but my irls would proabably find me then. Like my name isnt ACTUALLY Jude Shepard. I'm just using it as a penname and also cos that's what they called me in my dream. But other than that everything I tell y'all is real. I'm making buttered toast rn.
3:38 p.m.  sat june 19th
I've decided to include a song recommendation with every entry. Today's recommendation: A Match Into Water by Pierce The Veil
Okay so it turns out we didnt go to pick n pack with Zara. Instead we went to downtown... White Ave. It was sunny n we walked a bit, got lemonades and a bit of candy, went into stores, idk. BUT. The notable part of this is that next to the farmers market there were all the usual activist groups: falun gong, vegan, whatever... but one of them looked like it was a LEFTIST GROUP, possible marxist.
I wanted to talk to them so badly and wanted to see how I could help the cause. See, I'm a communist. AND IM NOT HERE TO DEBATE THAT. I'm here to talk about my days. Anwyays I wanted to talk to them sO BADLY. but my parents wouldn't leave me alone. And like. I hate political discussion with them. They just upset me and they get mad and I CANT AFFORD TO MAKE THEM MAD. I play everything that goes on with me on the Down Low, I dont talk about anything about myself because if I do, I get less freedom in my life. They have control in my life, so I have to appease them. Because of this, I unfortunately did not get to talk to the communists :(
Hopefully they're still there next time... I'm kinda mad >:(
Also Star replied to my good morning text... I told her to have fun shopping since that's what she told me she was gonna do... she just said "thanks" and I was concerned because THATS NOT HOW SHE TYPES? I feel like shes sad over something but i dont know what.
The day me and Jacob did stuff, I was supposed to walk her to her bus stop like I always do. But I didnt (duh) I took Jacob home.
But IT WAS ONE! DAY. And I told her my dad called me over so.... I apologized too and she seemed mad at herself, but in the way that's intended to make you feel bad.
I dont understand her sometimes. I LOVE HER. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love her so so much shes such a great supportive funny attractive girl! But soemtimes she gets upset and I can never tell why: is it the depression? Is it me? Is it soemthing else entirely? And she'll never tell me.
Whatever, I'll ask her how she is tonight and maybe we can Talk :/
I might never tell her about Jay... :P I might never tell ANYONE about Jay. It's our little secret I guess >:))))))
Man see? I'm no saint. I guess that's what'll make this blog worth reading. I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing cos I KNOW this is morally not right but. I'm doing it anyways. What can I say? I'm used to lying and hiding things for my benefit. I had to do it to survive and now? Now I do it for funsies.
I'm gonna pack some more stuff, TTYL ♡
UPDATE: we had to go look at houses for the move (since my parents r divorcing) and I didnt get to pack much of anything yet
I'm definently over my cal limit today...
        Cold sweet or carbonated drinks help with my throat pain so I'm downing them like they're NOTHING and since we have no zero  cal cold drinks I'm DEAD... and no, water does NOTHING.
Jeez, its raining out.
And FUCK JAY cos hes still on my mind.
Its 4:11 p.m. now.
Its now 7:56 p.m.
I kinda feel like an edgy main character in an edgy movie rolling up to the park and sitting #alone in the Treez like the emo band music video protagonist I am.
Sometimes its exhausting to talk to people I care about in a serious way or that I talk to in a more sincere manner like Star and Jay and others. Even if they're just friends. If our interactions are serious and not really casual and usually play out like long deep conversation, I feel like to respond to or even read their messages, I need to have like an hour allotted to conversation. Soemtimes I see the messages early and have to pretend I didnt see em cos I dont have internet to respond or time to respond its. Funny. Idk.
Anwyays I'm binging chocolate in a park alone and like. Rotting my fucking teeth OH WELL 🤷🏻‍♂️ whatcha gonna do.
Its 8 now so I should head home. I just biked to the s4ve 0ns to get my dad white choclate but. If I'm going to s4ve 0ns... YOU BET YOUR ASS IM GONNA STE4L SHIT. THAT PLACE IS EASY AS FUCKKK.
Also I'm kinda addicted to sh0pl1fting. The THRILL I get from it is so insane. It's fun! And you get free stuff! I know If i get caught I'm risking a lot. I'm aware. But I dont really care. Every step I take nowadays is risk taking. So why not take more?
I dont care about nonsense therapy. Fuck that.... actually I'll explain why i dont go to therapy for my shit:
1. I cant
2. I don't trust it
Anwyays yeah.
My throat still hurts. Idk, I just like to be in the sun and shit ALONE.
ALONE! It's so funny to me how now I like my time alone but as a kid I'd proabably kill for some positive attention. Well... it's more complex than that, but I wont go into it tonight.
Pls watch me die of diabetes soon from eating all this fucking chocolate.
My parents said to stop drinking monster and I wANT THEM TO TRUST ME so i can go out with my friends... but also I shoulda got monster outta spite. Heart palpitations my ASS.
Tonight I'll be talking to Jay AND Star. At the same time. Which is awkward... Which is MY OWN MESS TO CLEAN UP. I actually accept full responsibility. But also its awkward.
Whatever. I'll sort it out.
My parents arent being as complicated as usual. I guess they're tryna reverse all those years of... emotional neglect i guess? Something.
Something. Which isnt nothing.
But also I think they're guilty over the divorce. Like. Today my dad was like "do u ever feel sad? Blah blah blah... how do u feel rn" and I was like smiling tryna play off his question like it was absurd and I said "uhm idk... *fake laugh* normal?"
THE TRUTH WAS THAT I WAS A BIT CONFUDDLED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA DO REGARDING. LITERALLY CHEATING. ON MY GF. WITH SOME DUDE IN MY ART CLASS. JUST FOR SEX.
But then he was like "this isnt normal." And he looked all sad.  But on my way to the park here, I thought about it a bit more. And actually... it IS normal. The divorce rate is smthn like 60 percent in the states and 40 percent in canada... which is where I live.
Yknow... if my irls find this,,, all I have to say is sorry. Be as mean as you want.
I've already accepted my fate as a degenerate scumbag anyways lol.
Actually... how DO I feel? Hmm... laying in this field.
Urgency.
I have a lot of stuff to do.
Physical pain, but that's not. A FEELING.
I guess anticipation to TALK TO PEOPLE.
Regret from my binge... I better get home.
You know what's so funny to me? I cant purge on my own... but dick makes me vomit. Like the one time I DONT want to throw up, I do. Damn okay.
Well its 8:18 so I'm going home maybe. Soon. For now, I think I'll stay a little longer.
Yknow one thing I didn't expect to be sore was my arms... which I used to prop myself up to... yknow, suck Jay...
I still remember he said: "you're trembling." And I was like FUCK because I thought the trembling was HIM... •_• it's okay though I'll learn to do better.
Idk tho... I feel comfortable with him. Even as nervous as I am and embarrassed to be. Naked. In front of soemone else. And such. He makes me feel comfortable. Look, I did my best, DUH of cOURSE I did my best, I'm the type who will work hard at stuff even if they're getting hurt. I didnt mind honeslty. My goal in that part was just to make him feel good. Equal exchange, yknow? He did the same thing to me.
But like, he can tell when I gag and he tells me not to hurt myself and of course I keep going, I'm not about to SToP. But. I dont kNOW. Him talking to me like that makes me feel a lot safer doing stuff like that you know?
I like when he starts kissing me and touching me like he cant contain himself its almost animalistic and VERY FUCKING HOT
I feel like I talk about him too much but you gotta realize that was my FIRST time
1. Sucking dick
2. having MY junk sucked
3. Having anything put. Inside me. (It was just his finger but stILL)
So yeaH. Of course I'm gonna talk about it. A lot.
He said I was adorable. He said he likes how, when he leans over me, I take in a breath... how he could make me flinch.
THATS HOT ISNT IT.
I feel like I'm getting lost in his charm when I shoULD be tryna fix shit with my girlfriend. She seems sad and I'm worried.
But there isnt much more to say until I DM her tonight...
I really fucked up, didn't I? I totally fucked up and now my brain is all confused. But I have to remember that Jay is only about sex. He would be nice to cuddle, since hes fucking HUGE and I'm kinda on the short side, but he doesnt talk to me out of love. He does it out of lust. And yeah... I really only want sex from him too. But like. Star and I are COMMITTED. We got our feelings wrapped up together. Emotionally and romantically.
So. I should proabably like... stop fucking with Jay. Tell Star what I did. And hope she forgives me. That's the morally correct thing to do.
But like... do I EVER make the morally correct decision? No. Not really. I'm a piece of shit. Whatever. Its highschool anwyays we arent mating for life. IM NOT SAYING WHAT I DID WASNT BAD. IT WAS. VERY BAD.
but I'm gonna keep making bad decisions.
I DO FEEL BAD.... but look. If we're being logical about this and tryna maximize my benefit here,, I should keep Star as my girlfriend and TREAT HER WELL... but with Jay as a fuckbuddy on the side. Hes leaving the school soon anwyays so then we'll hang out less...
That's my plan, anyways.
I KNOW I'm a bad person. I'm aware. But it's just a fact of life.
I'm cheating with my cards here in so many places: stealing, lying, cheating, disobeying my parents, not paying attention in class.. IM KIND OF AN ASSHOLE KID. Idk. It's kinda whatever to me. I'm fucking harry Houdini, okay? I can get out of anyhting. This isnt me being cocky... I have historically gotten out of MANY tight situations, even some that risked my life, and I'm still here. I think I'm a walking lucky charm or SOEMTHING
Welp, we know if gods real I'm going to hell.
I dont really care. Idk. I guess I'm just at that risk taking phase in.my life. That doesnt  justify anything... but it explains it. And it's possible to explain without justifying.
Man,,, I guarantee whoever reads this blog is gonna hate my guts.
Whatever. It's my fucking journal/diary lol.
I can sorta say whatever I'd like.
It's funny because I always thought I was trustworthy and had no commitment issues BUT HEY I GUESS NOT.
I keep telling myself, cut him off, YOU AVE A GIRLFRIEND, FESS UP AND APOLOGIZE... but then I picture his STUPID smirking face and I CANT.
Maybe I am in love double.
Doesnt matter if I am... i still did a bad thing.
DAMN.
Well... I'm headed back home now. 8:41. I'm gonna pack my shit, change, watch youtube,,,, I guess I should check my google classroom and like. do my fucking homework... cos I haven't done it yet.
Then I'll update yall.
11:51 p.m.
Hey guys I'm back with an update.
I talked with both of then... star doesnt seem interested in having an actual conversation,,, shes just talking  about  random bs. Which is fine but I dont rly get what shes saying half the time COS SHES NOT BLUNT ENOUGH. and then the other half shes going on about how much she hates life. Like.
I do love her. We've bonded. I AM concerned about her. But sometimes I feel like she doesn't really try. Like I can talk her down from suicide all I want but everything I say is wrong and cliched and based off my own experience with suicidal thoughts and like... my mentality has always been sorta toxicly masculine. Push through, and push through alone. I CANT ALWAYS HELP! And it makes me feel shitty. Idk. She'll be okay, I know so cos of her story posts and drawings.
I feel bad but I know I can't help much. We talked a little. Idk, we didnt get anywhere. I love her but shes acting in a way that tells me soemthing is wrong but I CANT FIX THAT THING. SO. yeah, theres not much to say. I wish I could take away all her pain but I can't.
I talked to Jay as well... I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING BECAUSE I LIKE HIM SO SO MUCH. SO MUCH. HES LITERALLY PERFECT. sexy, kind and super considerate, he always makes sure I'm comfortable... I dont KNOW,,, hes sweet.
Hes not romantically interested in me. Which is a bit sad. Sometimes I want to tell him "I love you!!!" But then I remember that we are, in his words, friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. Two horny teenage boys who just wanna fuck... and be friends. That's all. That's us. We aren't romantically involved nor will we ever be. I hate how my brain gets so attached to anyone I fuck... especially since I kinda see Jay as an "older brother" figure, which makes no sense until you actually meet him and vibe with him... and like,,, I've always wanted that?
Tommorow I'm gonna ask for him to come over to watch a movie... but idk if I should actually ask because my parents kinda hate me now for fucking up so much. I'll do my homework and clean my room first... which will take up all my time proabably :( it's okay. Maybe some other time :(
I dont want him to lose interest in me though.
.... its 1:56 a.m.
Okay. Okay. I'll say it. I love him.
Goodnight, tumblr.
-Jude
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sadromeo-blog1 · 7 years
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Hi
So its 2:28 AM CT. I am sitting here at my computer actually asking myself why I’m going to put my life on display like this but here it goes. My name is Rene. I’m 21 from Texas. I’ve lived here my whole life. I work for a well known bank although my position isn’t high at all and the job I do is very mundane and well...depressing. I’m gay. I am single and I have HIV. So yeah my life is a mess. 
I guess we will start with a bit of background about how I contracted this terrible virus. I met a guy on Grindr (yikes! I know) who seem’d to be pretty cute and well that’s about it. So i messaged him and he replied he came over we smoked a little bit of weed and then we fucked from about 8:00 AM until noon. You must be wondering how I lasted that long (by the way i’m versatile and yes I was on the bottom) and I myself don’t know how I even lasted that long. Lets just say the sex was amazing. So per usual anonymous Grindr hook-up I assumed that I would never see this guy again. Although we did exchange numbers, I myself didn’t think this would be a regular thing. How ever about a week or so later he texted me and asked me to come over to his apartment and hang out smoke and watch a movie....and of course squeeze a good fuck in there somewhere. So I went over. He lived in a one bedroom apartment not far from where I live on the north side of town. His apartment complex was a little far out but I didn’t mind the drive at all. When I arrived at his place right off the bat I knew something was just a teensy bit off. I asked if he lived alone and he said no that he had a roommate (red flag number one) and I asked “isn’t this a one bedroom though how do you have a roommate” and as per usual fuck boy response he changed the subject and said it didn’t matter. So I just went with it. We smoked and watched our movie and then we fucked long into the night. It went from the balcony of his apartment, to the living floor and couch then it went to the bathroom where we got in the shower and had some really great shower sex. If you are wondering, yes I was being safe. Yes we used condoms and lots of lube. At this point in my life I knew enough about HIV to know how to be safe. Mind you this is the second time we had sex and he had not yet disclosed his status to me nor did I know that he had it. As many of you may know HIV shows no symptoms or signs at all. It simply is a virus that attacks your immune system so there wouldn’t be any outward symptoms to show. So back to the story, we had sex blah blah blah, I slept over and went home around 9:00 AM the next morning. I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days....eh it might’ve been a week to be completely honest. At this point in time it is mid March of this year...2017 and I had seen him all of two times. So he hit me up again shortly after this second sexual encounter and asked me if I wanted to go out and have a few drinks. I was all for it I love a good drink and a nice social environment so we went to a local gay bar had a few drinks then went to a night club and danced until the club closed. It was great and I enjoyed myself. At this point we had been seeing eachother for almost 2 months. I walked him to his car and got in cause of course his pot head self wanted to smoke. He offered to smoke me out, I said yes why not and we just sat there smoked and talked about our life and goals and stupid corny first date shit. Then towards the end of our conversation the tone changed. He stopped me and said “I want to tell you something before this gets more serious.” I replied “yeah sure whats up?” My first thought was Holy shit this guy has a boyfriend and wants to leave him for me what the fuck. How ever that wasn’t the case, he looked me straight in the eye and said “i’m HIV positive and undetectable.” I was in complete shock. Never in my entire life had I slept with someone who had such a serious disease. A feeling of immense fear came over me at that very moment. It took me a minute to reply and as I was thinking in my head about whether or not I should continue this relationship, I remember that HIV doesn’t define the person. It doesn’t make them someone you shouldn’t date or sleep with. Mistakes happen. Little did I know. So I replied to him “That’s okay. I know enough about it to know that as long as you’re not fooling around and having unprotected sex with anyone else and we use protection, I will be fine. I can get on PrEP and everything will be okay.” However at this point I already had the virus inside me and it was simply a matter of time before I realized my life would be changing forever. The very next day I scheduled an appointment with my doctor to be seen to get tests done to get on PrEP. The appointment was a few weeks out in the middle of April. He and I continued to see each other although the sex had slowed down. We had sex maybe twice after he told me and one of those times the condom broke and I was very scared. Then about mid april the week of my appointment I get a phone call early in the morning from him saying that he had caught gonorrhea and that I needed to go get tested to make sure I didn’t have it. So that day I missed work and went straight to my local clinic to get tested for everything. A week later my results game back and I was positive for gonorrhea. I went in for treatment and thought all was well. Then the following week I get a phone call from a different city official saying that I needed to come back in and discuss some other test results that had came back. I was thinking maybe they didn’t cure the gonorrhea so that’s why I had to go back in. So I left work early and went straight to the clinic before they closed. Immediately I was seen by a city health department official and she took me to a small room that had LOADS of HIV literature all over. She wasted no time in telling me I was HIV positive and scheduled me an appointment to see a social worker and doctor. I was hysterical, I lost my shit very quickly. The first person I called was the guy who gave me this and told him I was positive. Now get this all he said was “I’m so sorry this happened if you never want to speak to me again I understand.” I was shocked not only did the guy not show any remorse for not only sleeping with someone else while also sleeping with me but he just nonchalantly basically said oh yeah sorry. It almost seem’d like he didn’t care. 
Now lets fast forward to now. June of this year (2017). We didn’t talk for a couple weeks and then we started to hang out again. I really enjoyed his company and liked to be around him. He did make it clear though that he wasn’t looking for anything serious and neither was I. Even when I met him I just wanted a regular fuck buddy. I mean let’s be honest now who doesn’t. He was vers. I was vers. It was great we could flip fuck and just have an all around great time. So we started seeing each other more often and I got to know him better he told me more about himself and how he contracted the virus and his family and what have you. We went out to dinner a few times and it started to feel like we were heading in the direction of dating even though that’s both what we didn’t want. But hey things happen? So one day when I was at his apartment after helping him move in and helping him get rid of a lot of old clothes I asked him: “hey, so since we both have this disease would you be interested in being my only sexual partner for at least a little while. You’re really the only person I feel comfortable having sex with at the moment and you shouldn’t be out having multiple partners because that’s what got you and I into this situation in the first place.” he said he would think about it and I gave him some time and then out of the blue he texted me saying that he was up for it but that it would just be sex and thats it nothing more. I was like cool awesome that’s great. We’ve had sex once since this happened. He call’s it an arrangement. Ever since this whole friends with benefits arrangement happened I still have this feeling that I can’t trust him. Slowly I’m finding out that he has slept with other guys that I have dated and know in the gay community and that he doesn’t really go out all to often because he’s....i guess for lack of a better word a huge fucking slut and sleeps around ALOT!!!
Things have been terrible bewteen us. It feel’s very one sided. I don’t like it at all. At this point in me typing this whole thing out I don’t feel like saying to much for fear that he might find this blog and might read this post and just know its about him. Lets just say im still trying to see where this goes. He has already told me that he doesn’t know how long this can last because he’s vers and wants to be topped but that he won’t let me top him because I’m not “his type.” When he told me that I asked myself is it really worth it? Is he just using me for sex? Am I just using him for sex? As well am I clinging on to this lifeless relationship for fear  of losing the person who gave me a disease that almost killed me because I know that it will be that much harder to find someone to connect with once I tell them that I’m positive? There are so many unanswered questions that I have for myself and him. I think ultimately what I want is closure and an apology. An apology for not being honest with me from the get go. An apology for ruining my life. An apology for taking complete advantage of me and then treating me like complete shit. Are all men like this? Do all men do is lie and be deceitful and vindictive in every way possible? What will come of this fucked up relationship? I sure as hell don’t know. Stay tuned for more updates. 
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chasing-rabbits · 4 years
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I dont think the monetizing on your mentally ill page is a bad idea, IF you do it the right way. I think the idea behind spreading the word of mental illness, raising awareness and destigmatizing it is what we need to do. If selling buttons or stickers or shirts or what have you to sell accomplishes this goal then go for it! I would buy a pin that says " __awareness" I would NOT buy a pin that says "SOS my girlfriends bipolar" BUT ur smart and you get it so I doubt you would do that anyway lol
Well considering I have bipolar and bpd and am currently battling stigma from MH professionals yeah I just i see on redbubble the site i use for my vegan designs. Like I looked up bipolar some of it was just horrible like there was these his and hers tops and it was basically correlating bipolar gf w/ crazy etc and i just...idk i find it in v. bad taste especially since i found no evidence to suggest this person has bipolar or any mental illness that is heavily stigmatised. I understand using dark humor to cope but i feel if you are going to sell on the nose dark humor related merch it should be about a disorder you personally have. You know? Also i would not sell even dark humor stuff that uses the word crazy in reference to bipolar. Like when I say dark humor and stuff i mean like i used to follow a blog called self harm shark and some ppl sent it hate saying it glorified it and such but honestly it helped me on tough nights not to cut/not to feel less alone i actually felt less crazy because many user submitted stuff I could relate to and its one of those things where you might think youre alone in feeling this or that and you realise youre not and that is sad sure that someone else experiences it too but it is relieving to know youre not the only one it makes you feel less crazy bcos u realise its not just you so its almost like not normal but its not like youre the only one who experiences it therefore you just idk im not good at explaining it just makes me at least feel less crazy etc. But yeah i mean..idk i just think yeah certain things shouldnt be joked about and i feel like if youre not suffering with said mental illness or dont have a relative or partner or anything with said mental illness you shouldnt really even consider making dark humor or on the nose jokes/humor/memes to sell etc. Cos it comes off as more well..do you actually think that? Are you stigmatising us or thinking these things? Are you trying to make a buck off mental health but you dont care about the mentally ill? You know you just never know someones intentions. I know like for example i woudlnt want to buy vegan merch off someone whose not vegan who doesnt believe in the vegan lifestyle..when I could buy a vegan pin or magnet or coaster set etc from a vegan trying to work hard to make a living its just yeah... I have some designs in mind actually that i have already created for bipolar and mental illness. I actually have one saying my mental illness is not your adjective or something like that. I do have one i created that says ‘bipolar af’ i created it when manic and now ive come out of mania im not entirely sure if its a good idea to sell it or not? I mean im not sure if that is like idk if the as fuck bit makes it sound bad or if it could be misinterpreted and seen as like..the whole using it as an adjective thing like what if people buy it who are like buying it to like use bipolar as an adjective in that terms like you know how people say the weather is so bipolar or quite often bipolar is used to describe someone who just has mood swings or someone who people might define as highly strung or ‘crazy’ idk im not sure if the AF bit makes it seem like thats how its gonna be viewed. I mean to me idk I guess it was just an idea of a shirt or pin etc saying hey im bipolar and you know im not ashamed but in less words...idk if youve noticed but im extremely like anxiety riddled and so worried of being seen as what i despise and that..like worried my designs or words might be misinterpreted or that i might have like a dark humor post or something and maybe it is abit too on the nose or that people might be upset about it or so on. I dont know because no one can police how someone copes with their illness but it is different when that person it putting it out there for sale on pins and stuff you know? Oh btw I am going to be making pins and magnets and other stuff. I am currently working on deciding if i do it through Teepublic/Redbubble or if I use this local manafacturer I found in Leeds (im from good old britland lmfao or brexshitland)  Which might be more costly because Idk that i’d be able to afford to bulk buy the products..i mean I could always do like a uhh thing where whats it called where you have a campaign and you set a limit/target so you say once i reach 100 sales i’ll buy the product and ship it out kinda thing? But idk because i mean what if it takes literally a year to reach 100 sales and people dont want to wait that long. So im not sure...i mean I could do a gofundme maybe but idk how that works..or how to set it up. I really want to focus on my Mental health blog and socials and that combines with my poetry as much of my poetry is mental health related and so recovery related too. So my poetry is less of something i really need to worry about maintaining because i write when i want to when i get inspired or when I need to vent to keep my mental health in check. So i just do it off the cuff as and when and post it to my poetry tumblr. I  have over 500 pieces stock piled that I just need to schedule to my WordPress site. So thats not an issue. So I guess right now I need to work out where to focus iike Mental Health stuff or vegan designs for my Rb or what I could do is just dedicate a day a week to the vegan designs on redbubble as its not very time consuming to create the designs. And then I can upload them like as and when maybe just spend an hour a day uploading designs and making a new instagram post and sharing that on facebook and here.  So then I have 6 days minus an hour a day to work on my mental health stuff which is my main focus and passion tbh. I guess ive been delaying it because ive been strugglign so much lately ive felt like a fraud or felt like i’d be a fraud preaching happiness and recovery and talking about things to help yourself during depressive episodes etc when i was just mooching around watching tv and just feeling blah...you know? I just..I dont know where to start with the mental health stuff and im so afraid of failing and fucking up or being judged and people thinking i suck or like recently i got accused of faking my mental illnesses from a guy in a UK businesses networking group..he sent me a tirade of hate and how he was gonna shame me for being a fake and claimed he had borderline PD and bipolar too and how hes learnt most people fake it and take advantage of the system put in place to help people really mentally ill luckily the admins removed him from the group..but its just..it really got to me you know. My biggest thing is being told im faking it because so many people think borderlines fake their mood shifts because we change happy to suicidal in seconds or at least i do sometimes at my worst..its just hard..i get it can seem attention seeking because we over react to minor issues and arguments but thats literally the definition of our disorder. we are emotionally unstable and we think and like evrything to us is in extremes i love to the max i get angry over reactive to the max i ahve extreme fears of abandonment triggered by slight changes in my relationships w/ people things others might not even pick up on.. idk i got a lot to say and dont know where to start! haha but thank you I will definitely look more into creating mental health based merchandise..
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f33l1n95-blog · 7 years
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i’m literally in the sort of my life where i dont really give a shit. i dont know if that’s bad or good tbh. i’m tired of not being good enough. i’m just tired. i have so much anxiety in my life. i dont know if i’ll ever become a nurse or doctor. with my grades, i don’t think i will.
math is really kicking my ass lately and that really sucks.
my father he’s still an asshole.
i’m coming to a point that i don’t consider myself having a father figure.
what truly sucks is all my friends have really close relationship with their fathers and i don’t. it makes me really upset because i truly wished i did. but i’m just soo scared to ever be w my father by myself because i’m terrified of him. not because he hurts me physically, which he doesn’t. but it’s since i’ve so emotionally beaten up by him, i feel like. and it just really sucks.
i feel like i cnat really talk to my parents about anything because i’ll just get judged. i really hate that feeling.
my dad is just a really different person. i don’t know who he is and it’s really upsetting. we used to be really close, i was his princess. but now i wouldn’t consider myself that.
something is wrong with him, and i think i know what it is, i just don’t want to admit it.
ever since that day i confessed to him what i know he is doing with this girl laura everything just has gone down hill, and i’ve been having a lot of anxiety.
i don’t really know how to deal with it. i’m scared to tell my mom because i dont know how she might react. it might be because taht day i told my dad about what i know, he screamed at me for no reason and i got really offended by it. he never apologized to me for what he did to me. he made have a panic attack taht lasted more than it should. he though i was over reacting but i really wasn’t.
he doesn’t know how i feel and how much this has impacted me in my daily life.
all the stuff that people who i really care about and love say really impacts me. so, if one says ‘oh you’re fat’ to me i will take it very personally because it’s coming from a person who i really care about.
i’m a very sensitive person when it come to that kind of stuff, and i hate it.
i’ve always struggled with my body image since i was very little. people in my family telling from a very young age that i was fat, chubby, had parasites in my belly which = why my belly when i was little was so big. this very much impacted my whole life that i can still hear my subconscious telling me that. i’ve gone through phases of myself throwing up when i ate a lot. i would consider my self bulimic back then because i would eat and eat then go to the washroom at night and 'pretend to brush my teeth’ when in reality i was shoving the tooth brush up my mouth so i could vomit it out.
omg i’m so fucked. i need help.
growing up in such a “females have to have this kind of body and blah blah blah blah blah” environment, thanks to my uncle, it has really put a strain in my confidence. my uncle alway used to say 'oh when you get older you’re going to go under the knife and get yourself plastic surgery so you can get a nice and defined waist.“ and ever since then i’ve been self conscious about the way my body is shaped.
i’m really stressed out, my family in venezuela don’t have enough resources to function. which is making my mom really stressed out. specially during the holidays where everyone should be happy and enjoying their time together, all i here is my family complaining and COMPLAINING about everything and everyone, i’m just so SICK OF IT. hearing them complain, i’m done! i just wanna relax, not have any troubles, and be coolin.
FUCK IM JUST SO SAD AND MISERABLE INSIDE, I WANNA LEAVE THIS HOUSE AND START MY OWN DAMN LIFE.
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