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hockeylvr59 · 3 years

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Collide Part 2 || Sidney Crosby

Summary: Life as a single foster mom and a pediatrician didn’t leave much time for dating. But when Dr. Erin Lancaster becomes the pediatrician for Pittsburgh Penguins Defenseman Brian Dumoulin's baby boy, her association and quick friendship with his wife Kayla turns her crazy but quiet life upside down.

Requested: [ ] yes [x] no

Authors Note: Apparently my brain is just on a Sid kick lately. First a blurb update, now this one. Let me know what you think.

Warnings: alcohol consumption Word Count: 2,001

~~~~~

The weeks leading up to the holiday season were usually some of the best as a foster mom. The kids that I called my own, even temporarily, generally didn’t have a great experience with family holidays in the past and it was always exciting to teach them the magic of the season. The joy of watching the Macy’s parade and then football before having a big meal, going looking at Christmas lights, and everything else that filled the days between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

This year though, this year was tough. A few weeks ago, just days after my trip to the hospital, the seven year old I was fostering was moved to another placement. More biological siblings had popped up in the system and taking them would have placed me over my permitted limit. So instead, the rambunctious boy I was finally starting to make strides with was moved so that he could be with siblings he had never met, all because of the preference of keeping siblings together. A week later, my five year old was transferred back into the care of his mother who had successfully completed a rehabilitation program. I wasn’t sure the woman could be trusted but the court had decided she was fit enough to regain custody and there was nothing I could do about it.

Finally, yesterday, my newborn had been deemed stable enough to be placed with a paternal grandmother now that he was completely off the drugs. I had done my limited job of making sure that he got elevated care and now he was in the placement I knew he’d end up in all along.

It was the weekend before Thanksgiving and for the first time in a long time I didn’t have any kids under my roof. Honestly, I couldn’t remember the last time I didn’t have any kids placed with me, it had been that long. Yesterday, it had been easy enough to ignore, I went into the office to catch up on paperwork, I picked up dry cleaning and went grocery shopping before drinking half a bottle of wine and falling into bed exhausted.

Today though, things were quiet and now that the world had stilled around me, my normally thick exterior cracked and I found myself sobbing steadily. I loved being a foster mom, I really did, but it was heartbreaking to know that these kids would never be mine for one reason or another. That while most days my house was full of laughter and as much love as these kids could manage, days like today would always be waiting at the end of it all.

While drowning my sorrows with a pint of ice cream I definitely didn’t need to be eating at 11am, my phone buzzed beside me with a message from Kayla Dumoulin. She had texted more than once over the past few weeks with worries such as whether Brayden’s cord was healing normally and whether she could cut his nails because he didn’t like the mittens but she didn’t want him to cut himself. Through our text conversations she had learned of my rapidly emptying house and her message this morning was just to check in and see how I was doing.

She was such a sweetheart and I replied with a shrug emoji declaring that if sobbing over a pint of ice cream at 11am was normal then I was doing just fine. The phone rang a moment later and I sighed seeing her name pop up because the message wasn’t intended to make her feel guilty or anything, it was just genuine honesty. Still, I answered the phone, setting the pint of ice cream aside for a moment.

“It sounds like you need some baby cuddles.” Kayla stated, the sound of soft chatter coming through the line. “Why don’t you come over. Brayden wouldn’t mind seeing his favorite doctor.” She suggested.

“That’s sweet but I’ll be okay.” I assured her. “I don’t want to impose. I’m sure I can find something to do.”

“You’re not imposing.” Kayla insisted. “Me texting you at 2am with a breastfeeding question was imposing.” Her voice was teasing and I sighed softly remembering being up with my own newborn when she had a question about hers since Brian was on the road.

“Seriously.” She continued. “Come over, snuggle Brayden, and give my husband a second opinion on this bottle of wine he just got since I can’t drink.” She suggested. Sensing that she truly meant it, I sighed and agreed reluctantly telling her to send me the address.

____

45 minutes later, I had cleaned myself up so it didn’t look like I had spent the last few hours sobbing. After putting on some light makeup, I had thrown on some black jeans, a striped long sleeve tee, and a tan pullover before deeming myself decent enough to head out.

Plugging the address in my phone’s gps, I drove over to Kayla and Brian’s neighborhood, parking down on the street in front of their house. It didn’t even register that there were approximately a half dozen cars spread between the driveway and the street already as I made my way up to the front door.

Kayla greeted me after just a minute and I gently teased that if I didn’t know better I wouldn’t believe she just had a baby as she let me inside. That made her smile, and as she guided me to the kitchen for a glass of wine I realized that there was a significant amount of noise coming from the living room. It wasn’t until she was murmuring for me to make myself comfortable that I realized the living room was occupied by almost a dozen Penguins players, football pregame on tv.

“Alright Muzz, you can give my baby back now.” Kayla declared half-joking, half-serious. As soon as the goalie handed the baby over, Kayla was crossing the room back to me and handing off the little boy who just snuggled into my chest as soon as he was placed there. “There...baby snuggles.” She murmured.

“Thanks.” I whispered, resting a hand over the infant’s back before taking a sip of wine feeling slightly uncomfortable as eyes slowly landed on me.

“Hey doc.” Brian greeted appearing from somewhere else in the house. “Let me know what you think of that wine, not sure if this brand is a keeper or not.” He stated simply portraying the feeling that I wasn’t at all anywhere I didn’t belong and that this was a normal occurrence. Nodding I promised to do so before just focusing back on the baby in my arms. The physician portion of my brain noted that he was doing well and had certainly been growing while the rest of me just found myself relaxing at the feeling of a baby’s steady breaths.

Most of the guys paid me no mind as the game started. Yet I felt one pair of eyes linger. As I stepped outside after handing Brayden off to feed just before halftime, a four legged companion joined me and I chuckled petting the Dumoulin’s dog Roo while sitting on the steps of their patio nursing my second glass of wine.

The patio door slid open and then shut before a body slid down next to me on the steps.

“So where are your foster kids?” A familiar voice asked and glancing over my eyes met those of the Penguins Captain.

“With another foster family, with their mother, and with their paternal grandmother.” I whispered, quickly taking another sip of the wine to try and push back another round of tears. “The sucky thing about being a foster mom is they always go away in the end.”

“I...I didn’t know.” Sid mumbled after a moment and I waved him off petting Roo and wiping at my eye with the back of my hand.

“I didn’t expect you to.” I stated simply.

“So that’s why…” Sid trailed off, stopping when I nodded.

“Baby cuddles to try and make everything better.” I shrugged. “To fill the three new cracks in my heart. It’s been a long time since I was childless.” I whispered. “I’ve been trying to recall when it was and I honestly can’t remember. I feel like it had to have happened at least a few times but I really can’t recall not having anyone since I became a foster mom in the first place.”

“How long is that?” Sid asked, tone softer now than it had been that day at the hospital.

“Two...almost three years. I applied to become a foster parent toward the end of my residency.”

“Can I ask how many?” Sid questioned.

“36.”

“In three years? That’s...wow.” Glancing over I could see the genuine shock on his face.

“I don’t know what the turnover rate is generally but I’m fairly certain my rate is higher than average. I get a lot of the drug addicted babies because of my skills and they’re generally only with me 2-3 weeks until it’s safe to move them into a more permanent placement, often with other family members.”

“How do you handle that?” He murmured, reaching down to pet Roo as well who had rolled over onto her back for belly rubs.

“Usually I just focus on my patients, on the kids that I do still have with me because they deserve all of my love and attention. This time? Crying over Ben and Jerry’s at 11am until Kayla insisted I come over.” A smile cracked Sid’s face and he apologized quickly declaring that this isn’t something to smile about.

“No it’s okay. You can find it amusing, I know it wasn’t the most healthy coping method.”

“Are you going to be okay?” He inquires softly.

“Yeah. Well, I should probably lay off the wine. Dumo has really good taste.” Sid’s eyes crinkled a little bit and he looked at me like be serious. “I will be. I mean it’s only a matter of time before I get the call that another child needs me.” I assured him. “I just...sometimes...days like this...they make me wonder whether I still want to do this, you know…”

“Go on…” Sid urged.

“I just...it’s so hard. Never knowing whether I’m going to wake up and have to say goodbye again. Constantly giving away pieces of my heart that I’ll never get back. Days like today make me just want to be a mom. Not a foster mom but a mom. To have my own kids who won’t be there one day and gone the next.”

“I get that feeling.” Sid murmured after a moment. “Not the ‘here one day gone the next’ part, but uh, wanting your own kids part, that I get.” He rubbed the back of his neck as he spoke before dropping his hand back down to pet Roo, his fingers brushing against mine. Immediately my mind flashed back to the feeling of his hand wrapped around mine and I quickly pushed that aside.

“There you are!” Kayla exclaimed, popping her head out the door, her eyes shifting back and forth between you and Sid and noting how close you were sitting. “We just put out some food if you’re hungry and want something other than ice cream.” She grinned, dipping back inside looking like she was about to burst with what she just saw even if it was absolutely nothing.

When Sid stood he offered a hand out to help you up, murmuring for Roo to come inside and he’d see if he could find her a treat. The bulldog was eager for that and followed after him as you brushed yourself off and picked your wine glass up moving to rejoin the group.

Ridding of your buzz with some food and water and more baby snuggles you finally headed home with the feeling that there was something more to your conversation with Sid that you hadn’t put your finger on.

Outfit:

#sidney crosby #sidney crosby imagine #pittsburgh penguins #pittsburgh penguins imagine #nhl imagine #nhl imagines #hockey imagines #hockey imagine #ppenguins #019

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juliathephantom · 3 years

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JATP Fanfic Recs: Multichapter Edition

* indicates complete

'Stupid Cupid, Stop Hitting On Me' by Bluefire510

Juke

Luke, a troublemaker cupid, meets Julie, who is also one of Love HQ's toughest cases to crack.

She claims to have no desire to fall in love.

But Luke is always up for a challenge.

Let's see if he could get Julie to fall for her Perfect Match by next Valentine's Day.... and maybe teach her all about love while he's at it.

*Operation Hashtag Rulie by where_you_go

Reggie/Luke/Julie

“Explain yourselves,” Caleb ground out.

“Uh…it’s not what it looks like?” Reggie tried, wincing.

“Oh really, Reginald? Because it looks like two of my most popular band members from a family-friendly band are fornicating in public!”

Julie and Reggie get caught up in a PR misunderstanding that leads to them "dating" for a few months. It's not a big deal, or at least it wouldn't be, if Luke would stop acting so weird.

*Unexpected by Phantom_Lover

Luke is determined to breeze through his senior year and onto mega stardom (which means avoiding school, and Principal Lessa, as much as possible). That is until he's forced to work side-by-side with quiet good-girl, Julie Molina, on the big end-of-the-year talent show. The two struggle to see eye to eye, and meeting the all-important deadline seems impossible until something unexpected happens between them.

keys to the cage (and the devil to pay) by HearJessRoar

Juke, Willex

Julie Molina has always thought it would be rather exciting to meet a pirate.

Unfortunately, she's right.

"Julie, Julie Patterson, I'm a maid here in the governor's household," she bluffs. And she wishes that Luke's name hadn't been the first that she'd come up with, because the long-haired pirate's eyebrows raise immediately.

"Luke got married?" he says, sounding oddly betrayed.

His blonde companion looks equally gutted. "He didn't even tell us."

Piss Off Your Parents (Date Me To Scare Them) by TheNameIsBritney

Willex

Alex Mercer doesn't want to go home for Christmas; but if he has to, he's certainly gonna raise a little hell. Enter: Willie, the cute guy in his history of English class who would be the perfect fake boyfriend candidate.

So if you wanna piss off your parents, date me to scare them, show them you're all grown up. If long hair and tattoos are what attract you, baby then you're in luck.

*i'll hold your music (here inside my hands) by musicals_musicals

"Your soulmate must love music just like you do”

Julie is 3 years old, enthusiastically playing a small plastic piano, the first time she sees her string.

It makes sense that music would connect her to her soulmate.

How Julie finds her way back to music, joins a band, falls in love, and meets Luke Patterson (not necessarily in that order)

*a masterpiece in motion, more beautiful every day by fairylightsandrainydays

Willex, Juke

Alex Mercer is a merboy with a fascination for the human world. Willie is a prince who he saves from a storm. And Caleb Covington is the sea witch who is going to make Alex's dream come true.

So long as Caleb gets what he wants.

*days go by and seasons change (lets try again next winter) by itsagamefortwo

Juke

julie's ready for a year away from home, studying and trying to re-find the magic in music. luke's about to start on a summer tour around europe opening for a band. they meet one night, sparks fly and emotions run high. now they've just got to try and see if they can maintain a long distance friendship.

Who Could Deny These Butterflies? by xxPrettyLittleTimeBombxx

Juke

“I know this is going to sound kinda crazy…but, could you maybe pretend to be in love with me for a few minutes?”

—

When Julie Molina approaches Luke Patterson at a bar and asks him to pretend to be her boyfriend, she never expects to find herself in a position where she and Luke have to keep up the ruse for longer than five minutes. Figures that out of all of the strangers she could have approached that night, she’d gone and picked the one guy who just so happens to be in a rock band that’s on the brink of blowing up.

*relight that spark by @ruzek-halstead

Juke

julie molina has had nothing but a tough life. after losing both her parents early on, she was left in the care of her step-monster karen and her two step-daughters. while working at her late father's diner, completing household duties and being at karen's beck and call at all hours, julie was well on her way to getting accepted into the college of her dreams and having enough money to move out.

and then one day she received a text message from an unknown number. it started out innocent, crossed wires based on a flyer she put up three years ago.

this is the story of julie molina and her prince charming, and everything in between.

i never saw you coming (and i'll never be the same) by ruzekhalstead (@ruzek-halstead)

Juke

julie molina, a new student to uc berkeley, secures a job at a tiny, run-down grocery store, where she meets a group of people who inadvertently become some of the most important people in her life.

there's nothing like suffering in the workplace with your co-workers to solidify a bond.

a look into julie's life in a brand new city, as told by the customer service experience throughout the months.

an oddly specific grocery store au that no one asked for but i'm writing anyway to satisfy my brain

*Love Drunk by captainkippen

Juke

Thirty-two missed calls. Fifty-eight texts waiting. Over one hundred various social media notifications. A deep sense of foreboding took over. Julie swallowed. Slowly, she lifted the phone back to her ear.

"Flynn… what happened last night?"

After a night out in Vegas, Julie and Luke wake up to find themselves married. Hijinks ensue.

*So that's how it happens by echocharm (@echocharm17618)

Juke

But it had to be today. Julie had this crazy feeling in her stomach. Not nervous butterflies. More like fireflies that were trying to zap her (Do fireflies electrocute people? She should google that). It felt like that moment her parents spoke about all the time. The day they met. And when they first spoke to each other. Her mom always says that an intense zap went through her whole body.

Are you new or nervous? Julie has been waiting a (short)lifetime to hear those words be said to her.

She walked down a few more steps in the auditorium and found a spot. It was one of the few seats left in the room that wasn’t all the way up in the back. She sat down and settled into the uncomfortable, hard, plastic chair and took a deep shaky breath. The prof was nowhere to be seen. But there was a cute boy in the seat next to her. He had sort of long brown hair that was covered with a grey toque. And he was wearing a cut off t-shirt and you could see his very nice arms. Julie’s breathing was still shaky, and his attractiveness wasn’t helping the situation.

*we're too young to know things like love by Ephemeral_Joy

(@lydias--stiles)

Juke

The various ways and situations people notice the connection between Julie and Luke, whether that be a close friend or a complete stranger.

(started as a 5+1 fic and then i kind of went rogue. oops.)

*and i know i've kissed you before, but i didn't do it right (can i try again?) by Ephemeral_Joy (@lydias--stiles)

Juke

Some things just can't be fixed with a song.

(Julie and Luke break up.)

*The Infamous Tale of Luke and Julie's Grand Trip Across America by Ephemeral_Joy (@lydias--stiles)

Juke

In any normal situation, Luke wouldn't let this random girl hitchhike with him across America.

Then again, he wasn't normal. And neither was she.

(or: the roadtrip!au no one asked for)

*We Found Wonderland by ICanSpellConfusionWithAK (@pink-flame)

At the end of season one Julie isn’t able to save the boys and they are jolted out of existence. But what if there was another way? Julie finds herself back in 1995 with a chance to stop the boys of Sunset Curve from ever dying at all. But will she be able to find her way home afterwards? Will she want to? Or has Alice really gone down the rabbit hole this time...

A Moment of Quiet Conversation by JackONeillisTheMan

Juke

Julie and Luke talk about how he was the one who introduced her to rock. Then just fluff, more and more fluff.

*Feels like I've opened my eyes again by ICanSpellConfusionWithAK (@pink-flame)

Juke

After the whirlwind her life has been since the boys showed up it’s not that surprising that Julie would be a little tired. But is it normal that she’s more exhausted than she’s ever been? With Nick acting weird, Alex and Reggie both wrapped up in their own problems and her relationship with Luke still a big question mark, she has her work cut out for her if she’s looking to sit back and relax.

Basically my ideas and speculation about what season 2 might hold, or at least some of the things I would like to see.

find the strength, find the melody by sunset_phantom

Juke

An AU in which the boys are alive, Julie has been kicked out of her music program, and she somehow ends up falling in love with Luke in three days while he simultaneously brings her back to her first love of all: music.

after silence, wake me up by Vargynja

Juke

Julie hasn't been able to make music after her mother's death. She lives in New York working as an assistant for Luke, working hard to move forward in her career.

Luke finds out he's about to be deported back to Canada. A panicked lie leads them to fake a relationship to get married so he can stay in the country. Despite working together for two years they aren't close but a trip to Alaska to visit Julie's family might change that

Based on the premise of The Proposal (2009)

#jatp #jatp fanfic #juke #julie molina #willex #luke patterson #netflixwewantjatp2

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storiesforallfandoms · 4 years

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awful ~ dani ardor;midsommar

word count: 2712

request?: yes!

“Dani from Midsommar imagine about the reader being jealous of Christian and hating how bad he treats Dani?”

description: in which she tries to convince her best friend to leave her awful boyfriend, but there’s other motives in her mind for it

pairing: dani ardor x female!reader

warnings: swearing, toxic relationships, mentions of death

masterlist

I walked through the door and saw Dani sat on our shared couch, her cheeks pink and tear stained and her eyes puffy. I tried to resist an eye roll as I knew immediately what this was about: Christian.

Christian was Dani’s emotionally distance, mentally abusive, toxic boyfriend that she had been dating for years, but only recently had he began to grow so toxic, and we all - meaning myself and even Christian's friends - knew it was because he didn’t want to have to deal with Dani’s PTSD over the death of her sister and parents.

He was a giant asshole. He constantly dismissed Dani and her emotions, he would berate her for being so emotional sometimes, especially on important days such as the birthdays of her late family members, he would constantly blow her off for his friends, or just because he wanted to. I could never understand why she put up with him, especially when she was so aware of how awful he was.

When she realized I had walked through the door, Dani quickly wiped the tears from her face. “Oh, hey (Y/N). I didn’t know you’d be back so soon.”

“I was let go early. Slow day,” I responded. “Everything alright?”

She nodded, but wouldn’t meet my eye. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

I believed that about as much as I believed in Big Foot, but I couldn’t force Dani to talk to me if she didn’t want to. That would just be more damaging to her, and the last thing she needed was anyone else being damaging.

I moved to my room to change out of my clothes and when I returned to the living room, Dani was staring at the TV intently, as if watching a very interesting show or movie, but it wasn’t on. I knew she was gone somewhere in her head, trying to justify the way Christian was treating her. She was always like this after one of their fights.

I sat myself next to her, causing her to snap out of her thoughts and look at me. “Sorry, (Y/N). I just have a lot on my mind right now.”

“Christian?”

She looked down at her hands, which was enough of an answer for me. “What’s going on this time?”

She winced at the question and I wondered if she realized how often this happened, or how often I noticed. She and Christian always tried to act happy and normal in front of people, especially me since I seemed to be the only one in our friend group with the common sense to try and convince Dani to break up with Christian, but they weren’t that great at acting when Christian really had no idea how to not be such an asshole.

“It’s the one year anniversary of mom, dad, and Terri’s death,” she explained. “My grandparents aren’t exactly talking to me, they say they see too much of my parents or Terri in me to really want to be around me, so I asked Christian if he’d go to the graveyard with me and place flowers on their graves and just be with me while I grieved where I don’t have any other family.”

“And what was his response to that?” I asked, although I already knew fully well what he said.

She wiped her eyes again as new tears began to form. Her voice was shaky as she responded, “He told me he doesn’t want to go because that’s too sad and graveyards make him feel weird. I told him we wouldn’t be there long and then we can go back to his place for the night, and he said he didn’t want me to be over if I was going to be all weepy and emotional. He said he and the guys are supposed to drink and play video games and that me being there would only ruin that if I was going to get emotional.”

She was trying so hard to be strong, and I knew it was just because she didn’t want me to remind her of how awful Christian was and tell her to break up with him again. And truthfully, I didn’t want to remind her anymore. I didn’t want to put her in a tough spot between him and me, even if I didn’t like him.

So, instead of saying my usual spiel, I stood from the couch and extended a hand to her. Dani looked up at me in confusion. “Get your butt up and let’s go to the nearest open floral shop. We’ll get flowers for your parents and Terri and we’ll go to the graveyard together.”

Her eyes widened. “Really? You’ll do that for me?”

“Of course I will. Dani, this is a hard day for you, you deserve to grieve or mourn it however you want, without being made upset by stupid boys. Now, come on, if we wait too long there won’t be any good flowers left.”

After going to two floral shops to get the flowers Dani wanted, we drove to the graveyard where her parents and sister were buried. The whole ride there, Dani’s phone was ringing like crazy. Finally, she sent a quick message to whoever was calling before shutting her phone off.

Dani looked out at the grave of her family and I could see her falling apart. She had been struggling to move on from it all in the past year, and I couldn’t blame her for that at all. She lost her entire family, and it seemed as though no one cared besides me.

She got out of the car first and I followed, carrying the flowers. She stood over their graves before turning and extending a hand to me. I passed her the first bouquet and she placed it next to her mother’s name, then the next to her father, and the final one to Terri.

“I miss you guys,” she said, her voice beginning to shake again. “Everything sucks without you. I hate not having a mom or a sister to talk to about my problems, or having a dad to give me advice or to threaten boys. I miss seeing your faces and hearing your voices every day. I miss you guys so much.”

She buried her head in her hands as she began to sob again. I quickly took her into my arms and cradled her to me. I allowed her to cry on my shoulder and I rubbed her back, soothingly. I tried to hold back my own tears, but it was hard. I hated seeing Dani so sad, but it seemed like that’s the only way she could feel lately.

I wasn’t sure how long we were standing there, to me it felt like just a few minutes, but the sound of a car approaching, and seeing whose car it was, told me it had been much longer than that.

Dani raised her head from my shoulder to watch as Christian put his car in park and got out. I tried to contain my eye roll as I shoved my hands into my pockets and looked at the ground.

“What happened to your phone? I’ve been trying to call you for nearly an hour,” he said as he approached us.

“I told you I was coming here,” Dani defended, her voice still shaky. “Why did you even come look for me?”

“I was worried.”

Yeah, the tone in your voice sounds real worried.

“Worried about what?” Dani asked. “I told you I was coming with (Y/N), I wasn’t going to hurt myself and nothing was going to happen to me.”

Christian shifted, as if he had something more to say on that topic, but instead responded, “I was just worried, okay? You weren’t answering and it worried me. Let’s go home.”

He reached for her but Dani pulled away, which shocked me. She had never done that before. She always followed Christian, no matter what he said or did.

She glared daggers at him as she responded, “No. I’m not going with you Christian.”

Christian’s eyes widened in shock. “Why not?”

“Because I’m so sick of this!” Dani snapped. “I asked you to come with me to mourn my parents and my sister on the one year anniversary of their death, and you blew me off for your friends! You didn’t even need to get out of the car! I just needed some emotional support right now, I’ve needed emotional support for the last year!”

I could tell this was pissing Christian off, but he tried to remain calm. “You know I’m just not good with stuff like this, and I had already had plans with the guys. I didn’t want to ruin them - ”

“That’s the shittiest excuse ever,” Dani hissed. “That does not make the situation better, nor does you not being good with this stuff. I get it, you don’t understand what I’m going through, and I’d never be mad at you for that. You haven’t lost someone close to you, much less your parents, but Christian, saying you don’t want to go with your girlfriend to comfort her on the one year anniversary of her parents and sister’s death because you don’t want to ruin plans with your friends?! I’m not saying the guys a

ren’t important, but you have plenty of nights with the guys! You fucking live with them! I’ll never have a night with my parents ever again, or with Terri! I ask you for this one fucking thing and you can’t even stop being an asshole long enough to do that!”

Her words echoed through the silent graveyard. I felt as though this wasn’t a conversation I should be hearing, but I didn’t want to leave Dani. Even if I just went to sit in the car, I’d still be too far away if Christian tried to do anything to her.

He ran a hand through his hair before extending it to Dani again. “Look, Dani, I’m sorry, okay? I’ve been a shitty boyfriend. I haven’t been trying to understand what you’ve been going through because I’m not good at grief or emotions. That’s not fair to you. I’m so sorry. Just...come home with me and let me make it right.”

I had heard this a million times, and of course he had never changed. It was just a manipulation tactic to try and get Dani to stay around, and I expected it to work this time, just like it did every other time. So to say I was shocked when Dani backed away from him and told him, “No Christian, I’m done with you trying to make it right” is an understatement.

Christian’s shocked face mirrored my own feelings. “What?”

“I’m done,” Dani repeated. “I’m done with you being a shitty boyfriend. You keep telling me you’re going to change but then you never do, and I’m done with it. I’m done with this relationship. We are over. I never want to see you again. I’ll leave whatever you have at my apartment on my doorstep and you can bring my stuff over, and that’s it. That’s the end.”

In a second, Christian’s shock turned to anger as he turned to look at me. “You. This is all your fault! You never liked me, and now you have Dani brainwashed to think the same way!”

I scoffed. “Oh yeah, I brainwashed her to realize you’re a shitty human being. I know it’s hard to believe Christian, but Dani is a big girl and can make big girl decisions all on her own.”

He took a step forward to try and approach me, but Dani quickly got between us and shoved Christian as hard as she could. “Fucking leave Christian!”

“You don’t see what she’s doing to you?” he asked. “She’s trying to manipulate you into breaking up with me so you’ll run into her arms. She’s been in love with you since day one, Dani, and she just can’t take it that you don’t like her back because she has a pussy.”

I tried not to let the hurt show, but it was hard when Christian knew that the one way to target me was through my feelings for Dani. I don’t know how he knew, as I never told anyone and tried not to make my feelings so obvious, but he had been insisted for nearly a year that I was trying to break him and Dani up because I was in love with her. I’d never admit to her that that was part of my intentions, but there was a small voice in the back of my mind that kept convincing me that if Dani and Christian broke up that maybe I’d have a chance with her.

Dani shook her head. “Just go Christian. It’s over, for good.”

Christian glared at us both before going back to his car. He started it and sped past us, tearing up the grass of the graveyard as he went. Dani sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. I wasn’t quite sure what to say, or if I should say anything at all.

She turned to look at me and decided, “Let’s go home. I want to watch movies and eat junk food.”

I agreed and we made our way back to the car. The drive was silent until we hit our first red light. We were there for some time before Dani finally said, “You know he’s wrong, right?”

I looked over at her, furrowing my eyebrows. “Wrong about what?”

“A lot of things,” she responded, smiling slightly at her own joke, “but also about the fact that I don’t like you cause you’re a girl.”

My grip tightened on the steering wheel, and I hoped she hadn’t noticed. “What do you mean?”

“I mean he’s been brushing aside my sexuality for years,” she said. “I told him when we met that I was bisexual, but he kept telling me that it was just a phase because I started to date him. So his point of me not liking you cause you’re a girl is invalid.”

I was shocked to hear this. Dani had never told me she was bisexual, but maybe she didn’t because of Christian. I knew how hard it was to come out to people who didn’t believe that bisexuality was a thing. Now, I just kept my sexuality to myself until I knew for sure that someone wouldn’t mock me or turn their back on me for it.

“So,” I started, still confused on where this conversation was going, “what are you trying to say?”

Dani looked at me and smiled. “I’m trying to say that I like you as more than a friend or a roommate, and I think I have for some time, but I didn’t want to admit it because I was still with Christian. But now Christian is out of my life, and I’m never getting back with him, so I feel confident enough to tell you that I really like you (Y/N).”

I was so shocked that I hadn’t noticed the light turn green until the car behind me honked. I drove off, trying to focus on the road, but it was hard after that confession.

“Really?” I finally asked when I could manage to get my tongue to work again.

Dani laughed. “Yes, really. Do you actually like me? Or was Christian just making up shit so he didn’t have to take the blame for our breakup?”

I shook my head. “No, he’s right. I...I do like you, too. I have for a while, but I’d never try and break you two up because of that.”

“I know. We were just toxic, we needed to end things.” She reached over and put a hand on one of mine, that was still clutching the steering wheel. “I just...I need some time to get over the breakup, and to properly move on from my parents and Terri. Would it be too much to ask if you’d...wait for me to be ready?”

I looked over at her and smiled warmly. “It’s definitely not too much. Take all the time you need, I’ll be waiting whenever you’re ready.”

#dani ardor #dani ardor imagine #dani ardor x reader #florence pugh #florence pugh imagine #florence pugh x reader #midsommar #midsommar imagine #one shot #imagine #request

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ahopelessromantic · 4 years

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Stops Along the Road ➳ D. Morgan

Pairing: Derek Morgan x Reader

Wordcount: Roughly 4k

Warnings: None really, some cursing, a gun wound, mentions of pregnancy, Morgan and the reader are stupid

Summary: The road to finding your way to Morgan once and for all was a long one, but you’ve never enjoyed a ride more. (A/N: I’m so happy to finally be writing again! Criminal Minds is back on Amazon Prime and back is my inspiration baby! I know this is a bit different from my usual stuff, but I quite liked the format of the little insights into the life of reader and Derek. I hope you’ll enjoy!)

The one with the flirting

“Okay, is it just me or was the captain heavily flirting with Morgan?” JJ grinned, leaning in closer to her colleagues so no one at the station would over her them. You were in the middle of packing up your stuff right by them, trying to listen in as inconspicuously as possible. „Oh god, please don’t bring it up.“ Emily laughed, sending a confused frown across JJ’s forehead. „Why that?“ „(Y/N) gets weirdly protective of Morgan when someone’s flirting with him. It’s almost like she wants to fight them every time.“ Spencer chimed in. It was just then that you realised you probably should have gone into hiding as soon as JJ had walked up to them with her ‘I have gossip’ face. „See?“ Emily grinned at her colleague, then at you. You wanted to disappear.

„Even Reid notices. You gritted your teeth. “I don’t want him to get hurt, so what? Derek is just as protective of me with guys. We look out for each other.” Emily looked like she wanted to continue poking around, but starting to feel defensive you snapped at her. “My friendship with Derek is not your business, okay? We are what we are, and no matter how weird it may seem to you, just accept it. We’re nothing to gossip about.” The bad conscience already kicked in while you made your dramatic exit, but you swallowed it down with a heavy sigh. Constantly working around the same people sometimes caused them to get a bit too close for comfort, and their eternal teasing about you and your best friend was starting to get on your nerves. The bond you and Derek shared couldn’t be described with words and certainly, wasn’t really comprehensible to people looking in from the outside, so you wished they could just take it as it was and let you two be. You had more important things on your mind than thinking about what your coworkers’ opinions on the relationship between you and your best friend, as much as you loved them. More important things like the next case that you had already been called in for, for example.

The one with the gun wound You knew that your job wasn’t easy. You knew it brought many dangers with it, and you knew that people were bound to wind up hurt at some point. But in all your worrying over your team, that was like family to you, you had never expected yourself to be the one getting injured at some point. But here you were, shot by an unsub that had been restrained by Prentiss mere moments after he had fired his gun at you. You were sitting on the floor, jaw hurting from clenching it too hard, Morgan kneeling next to you. His body exuded warmth you desperately needed, and you couldn’t be more grateful to have his soothing presence right there beside you. „Shh. Come on, keep on breathing.” He spoke calmly, but the way his hand was squeezing yours told you a whole different story. “It’s just a shot in the leg.” You rolled your eyes and groaned, trying your best to play it off. He looked at you with his dark eyes, a mix between a deadpan and a smile that only he was able to do. „Doesn’t matter, it‘s still gonna hurt and you don’t have to act all tough like it doesn’t, okay?“ You released the breath you had been holding in a cough, teeth still gritted. „I feel like once I acknowledge that it hurts I’m going to start screaming or cursing really bad. Possibly both.“ Your voice was fainter than you would have liked it to be. He gave your hand another squeeze. „Come on, let go. The paramedics will be here in no time and then they’ll dope you up on painkillers anyway. Will you unclench your teeth now before they shatter in your jaw, you stubborn woman?“ You half chuckled, half sobbed and then decided to hell with it. You relaxed your body and started taking deep breaths again, and with the breathing in came the pain. „Motherfucker!“ You yelled, an even worse string of curses escaping your lips right after. Derek just chuckled. „See, there you go. Just let it all out.“ You just glanced daggers at him. „You are so paying for the drinks next time we’re going out.“ He just chuckled. Sometimes you hated him.

The one with the wedding If someone were to ask you what you loved most about your best friend, you would probably tell them that he was easy. There was never any doubt with him, you didn’t have to question anything about him or your friendship. Morgan was your person and you were his. Period. Your support for each other was quiet, so quiet that other people sometimes forgot about just how deep your affection for each other ran. But his love was there when he placed you coffee order on your desk every morning without words, it was there when he gave you a birthday present you had once only shortly mentioned and then never spoken of again, it was there when you patched him up with your little to none medical knowledge after he had been too rough in kicking a door down once again. So it wasn’t really a surprise that he had been the one to find you hiding out in the gardens. You were sitting on a bench, feeling miserable in your little yellow dress. Normally you were a huge fan of weddings, a huge fan of love, but this one had set something off inside of you. Most of your friends from high school were long married already, your team members were tying the knot one by one, too, and here you still were, alone on a bench with no ring on your finger and no family to come home to. “Thought I’d find you out here.” Derek’s voice ripped you out of your thoughts, and you were so grateful to see his stupid face that you almost started crying. It was as if that man had a sixth sense for your emotions, a talent for always being right where you needed him. “I’m… getting some fresh air.” You lied, knowing that he wasn’t going to be fooled by it. He sat down next to you, his eyes mustering you as if they were trying to decode your emotions. “I thought you loved weddings.” You chuckled and looked up at him through your lashes. “I do. It’s just… something about this one is bugging me. I feel awful for even letting my thoughts go there, but I just couldn’t help it tonight. You know, everyone in there is happy, with boyfriends and husbands and wives and a future to look forward to, and all I’ve got is my job and a car that my best friend likes to steal.” Derek chuckled, probably picturing himself in your beloved BMW convertible for a moment. A comfortable silence spread between the two of you, and it could have stayed that way. Just two friends sitting in a garden, enjoying the evening. But you felt the urge to talk more about this gnawing feeling in your chest, to get to know if he, at least, felt like that too. “Don’t you ever get worried? About the future? That you’ll end up alone and sad, with no one to grow old with?” He exhaled, looking happy that you had opened up yourself without him having to squeeze it out of you. For a moment he looked pensive, his gaze wandering off into the distance. You watched him closely, the strong eyebrows, the delicate face. It was a face you knew like no other, a face that had seen you in all your worst moments. “No.” He finally spoke up. “I’m not worried.” He said with an almost reverent honesty that took you off guard. “I honestly don’t know what will happen in the future. But I know that you’re in it, and nothing calms me more than knowing that. So no matter what happens, there will be you and I.“ You sighed and leaned against his shoulder, causing him to place his arm around you. Somehow, those few words had calmed you. You weren’t going to be alone, ever. “I love you, Derek.” You murmured into the night. He turned his head to press a kiss against your temple. “I love you too. Now come on, let’s break up this little pity party of yours and make use of the open bar. I mean, how often do we get free booze?” You felt a smile grow across your lips against your will. “Basically never. But you have to promise to dance with me.” Morgan got up from the bench and held out his hand to you. “Honey, if you give me two more glasses of champagne I’ll even dance the chicken dance for you.” You threw your head back and laughed, taking his hand. “Alright, idiot. Let’s go give them a show.”

The one where his mother gets involved „I love seeing you two together so much.“ You blushed and, in an attempt to hide it, continued chopping the vegetables. „Derek always seems so free without you, you know? So happy. He doesn’t allow himself to be like that with anyone else.“ You dared yourself to look at your best friend’s mom, not expecting the look on her face to be so serious. „He’s just my Derek.“ You chuckled awkwardly, not really seeing the big deal in his change of behaviour around you. You acted differently when it was just the two of you as well, but wasn’t that how people were when they let their guards down? The smallest of smiles snuck across Mrs Morgan‘s lips. „Exactly honey, your Derek. He’s yours.“ You felt yourself freeze, but as if she knew exactly what she was doing the small woman smacked you with one of her kitchen towels. „You know how desperate I am for grandchildren, I’ll take any chance I get! Can’t you at least maybe think about it?“ You laughed, maybe a little bit too loudly, and rolled your eyes. „Nice try, Mrs M. But I’ll tell you when I get there.“ Morgan couldn’t help the weird feeling in his chest upon overhearing the conversation between you and his mother. Above all, of course, was the air of familiarity with which you interacted. You were never just someone who tagged along with him, these days you belonged into his family home almost as much as he did. But then, the deeper undertones of his mother’s words gnawed away at his subconscious, as if they were trying to unlock something that wasn’t there yet. Your Derek. After years of playing the role of the tough guy, the man of the family, a victim hiding the fact that he was just that, you had somehow been the first person he had allowed himself to be soft again with. For some reason, he only realised it now, how easily you had snuck past his guards and made yourself at home way beyond them. The words of an ex-girlfriend came to his mind. „I’m tired of trying to drill through your walls, Derek. There’s always some part of you that’s hidden from me and I don’t deserve that.“ She had been right, with her words, and right to break up with him. He hadn’t truly let someone new into his life in years. Not since you had come along anyway. But he shook his head and entered the kitchen with a bright smile plastered on his face. Today was not the day to think about such profound things. Today was all about his mother, and there would be other days to venture into unveiling the true nature of his affection for you.

The one where it’s enough It had been a while since the thoughts of you and him had started blooming in Derek’s chest. Maybe it had been his mother, maybe it had been the number of years you had already spent in your weird little companionship, but somehow, he couldn’t help seeing you in a completely different light. Suddenly every laugh you laughed was for him, suddenly every touch made his heartbeat speed up. It was almost as if he was a teenager again, only that his crush was his best friend and he couldn’t just run away from you without arousing suspicion. He watched you pack your bag at your desk, a gorgeous burgundy dress he had never seen before clinging to your figure. “Oh wow. You’re dressed up like that for him?” You turned around in surprise upon hearing your best friend’s voice. “Derek? What are you still doing here?” You were the last ones still at work, everyone else had left to go home or somewhere else already. You had shoved in some extra hours tonight, mainly to distract yourself from the evening ahead. An ex of yours was back in town, and he had made it more than clear to you that he had changed and that this time, he was ready to be serious about you. You didn’t even really know yourself why you had agreed to go out for dinner with him, maybe it was the fear of feeling as lonely as you had on the wedding again. Derek stepped closer to you, an almost desperate look in his eyes. You shuddered, not prepared for the intensity of his gaze. “Don’t go on this date, (Y/N). You’ll just allow him back into your life and settle for way less than you actually deserve and-“ You frowned and watched him shake his head in frustration, not able to read his behaviour. This was a side of Derek you had never seen before, one you didn’t know, and it made you anxious. But then, suddenly, he sent you one last weird look, stepped closer to you and grabbed your face to kiss you. You felt your eyes widen, looking at him in confusion after pulling away. “Wha- what are you doing?” You stammered out; afraid he had made a terrible mistake. There had always been clear lines between the two of you, lines that had never been openly discussed yet also lines that had never been crossed. Derek cupped the side of your face, forcing you to look at him. “I need to do this before I forever regret never taking a shot at us. I love you, (Y/N), and not just in the way I’ve thought. You’re not just in my future, I think you... you are my future. No one will ever fit as much with us like us. Our crazy jobs, our stupid addiction to cheesy 90’s music, the years of experience we have with handling each other through our highs and lows…We would be stupid not to at least try it.” You exhaled the breath you hadn’t even known you’d been holding in. “So don’t go on this date, don’t let this stupid guy make you think that mediocrity is all you deserve. We might not work out in the end, which I think is highly unlikely, but we definitely are anything but mediocre. I burn for you, (Y/N), and with the way we subconsciously keep sabotaging our own relationships I can’t help but hope that you feel the same.” You blinked at him for a moment, still not really sure about what exactly was happening. You didn’t even dare properly thinking it through, but not even that scared you. This felt right, as right as nothing in your life had ever felt before. It was Derek, after all. He was your person. So you held onto his strong arms, got on your tiptoes, and tentatively kissed him. This time it was him who looked at you in surprise after pulling away, his chest heaving as if he were out of breath. “I love you too.” You whispered. You looked at each other for a moment, trying to think of what to do next. And then you were all over each other.

The one where everyone finds out “We’re not telling anyone about this. This is our thing.” You spoke, closing the last two bottoms on your blouse. Derek watched you from where he was sitting on the edge of his bed, humming in agreement. “They’ll never let us live this down if we tell them that we’re together now. Can you imagine the teasing from Prentiss and Hotch?” You shuddered at his words, making your way over to him and sinking down on his lap. “This is just ours for now.” You smiled and kissed him carefully. Sometimes you still couldn’t believe you got to do that now, to just kiss your best friend whenever you felt like it. It was exhilarating, and you almost regretted all the years it had taken you to get to that point. He snaked his arms around you and pulled you closer, the warmth in his eyes robbing you of your ability to speak. “Ours.” He repeated as if he couldn’t believe it himself. You kissed him again, just to remind him of how much you were his now. Then the two of you got ready to go to work. It wasn’t exactly a rarity to see the two of you coming into the BAU together on some mornings, so you didn’t even bother arriving on separate times, and yet something seemed to be notably different about the two of you. Something so different that, when you saw Spencer slip a fifty-dollar bill into JJ’s hand, you knew that there was no keeping secrets in this godforsaken team. The teasing during the next few weeks was awful, and hadn’t the two of you loved your co-workers and friends so much you would have probably reported their bullying to HR. But nothing could overshadow your happiness at this point. You both felt as if you had finally fully stepped into life, finally stepped into your full potential. The happiest out of all the people over your getting together though, even happier than you yourselves, was Derek’s mother. She had yelled out in joy upon hearing the news over the phone, scolding Derek for how long she had known without him listening to her and making you laugh. A few months later you finally found the time to visit Derek’s family as a real couple for the first time, already feeling bad for how long it had taken you. The first half-hour was, again, spent with Mrs Morgan telling the two of you about how she had known all along and always wished for you to get together already. “Now, all I need to be completely happy is a grandchild.” She casually said over dinner and caused you to choke on your food. Derek hid his laughter in his napkin and threw you a look that just about said ‘you knew what you were getting yourself into’. “But I can see that we’re already close to that. How far along are you, (Y/N) dear?” Suddenly Derek wasn’t laughing anymore. You felt yourself freeze in shock and blinked at your boyfriend’s mother in shock. “Huh?!” You asked with the most conviction. She happily chatted on. “Oh honey, you can’t tell me that all that glowing is just from my son, as much as I love him.” You put your fork down with trembling fingers. “Mrs Morgan, I’m not pregnant.” She looked at you, narrowed her eyes, and then shrugged. “Alright. I just had a feeling.” You knew damn well that she wasn’t done with this yet, but the topic seemed to be finished for the moment and you awkwardly moved to other subjects with your conversations. Later that night, Morgan watched you getting ready for bed with the same weird look as his mother. “Should I go get you a test?” He asked. You exhaled. “I’m not pregnant Derek!”, you almost yelled in exasperation. He lowered his gaze. “But… you have been looking different. Something feels different.” You smiled and sat down beside him on the little bench at the end of the bed. “That’s because I am different. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, okay? It’s got nothing to do with a baby, as much as your mom hopes for one.” Derek chuckled and took your hands, lifting them to press a kiss against the both of them. “Do you think we should take her to a doctor? Maybe she’s not doing alright.” You laughed and shoved at his shoulder. “Now you’re just being mean, babe.” Still chuckling you crawled underneath the covers, patting the empty space next to you. He understood immediately, laying down next to you and pulling you close to his toned body. You closed your eyes and enjoyed the silence for a moment, the calm you always felt in your best friend’s embrace. “I am surprised, though.” You spoke into the silence. Derek hummed in question, his warm chest vibrating beneath your ear. “I thought you would be freaking out at the prospect of a baby. Yet here you were, just offering me to get a test.” He turned to be able to look at you, his face displaying surprise over his own behaviour. “Huh. I guess…” He inhaled deeply. “I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if it was with you. We’re gonna have them anyway, right? I thought that was part of the deal.” You both laughed. “Part of your mom’s deal, anyway.” He chuckled at your words. “But in all seriousness, I look forward to it, Derek. One day we’ll have a few little Morgans running around, and with our genes, they’ll be adorable. Your mom just caught me off guard, you know? We basically just started dating, even though we’ve known each other for so long. It would be a little soon, wouldn’t it?” Derek just shrugged and tucked a stray strand of hair behind your ear. “If it happens, it happens. I’ll take whatever life throws at me as long as I’ve got you by my side.”

The one where his mom knows best Was there a secret rule that mothers had to be clairvoyant, or all-knowing? It was a week later, and you had just emptied your stomach’s contents into your trash bin at work. You had been feeling dizzy the past few days, and your sense of smell had changed, too. For today, you decided to play it off as a placebo effect and continued with your day, even though Derek looked at your pale face in worry all day. But the next day was Saturday, the day you and Derek traditionally cooked a big breakfast together, and when the smell of his famous pancakes sent you running to the toilet you knew what was up. Your boyfriend ran into the toilet after you, rushing to hold your hair up and stroke your back. Once you were done coughing up your lungs and were able to sit up straight again, you met his gaze in shock and closed your eyes. And then the two of you started laughing. “Mother knows best, huh?” You laughed, burying your face in your hands. “Is there any way we can keep this from her? Just to spite her?” Derek chuckled and pressed the longest kiss against your forehead. “No way, I’m afraid. She’s never gonna shut up about this.” You smiled and looked at him, really looked at him kneeling on the floor with you. You thought back to the talk you had had in his childhood bedroom, the talk you had had at the wedding, the way he had been so sure of your future together. With him by your side, you were going to be alright. So maybe you weren’t going to shut up about this either.

#Criminal Minds #criminal minds oneshot #criminology #bau #BAU Team #bau x reader #derek morgan #shemar moore #derek morgan x reader #derek morgan x you #pregnant reader

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izzy-b-hands · 4 years

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Let All Be Quiet In Your Head

A snapshot fic, part of the You Send Me AU with our trans reader x Freddie. Set a few years in the future from that original fic, to the 1980 The Game North American tour. Didn’t choose an exact tour date, just somewhere in there lol.

I’ll admit, because it would be wrong of me not to, what you’re going to read about the reader’s father is just...my father. My history with my dad, all the things he’s done, parts of his life. Part of me knows this is a bit much, but you know what? He hurt me again at his last visit a day ago, after I opened myself up to giving him yet another chance to be a good or at least decent bare-minimum dad.

So he fucking deserves to be used in a fic like this.

tw: misgendering (including use of wrong pronouns and deadname, though in the fic it’s just [deadname] of course since this is reader fic), a lot of arguing, and what I can only best say are descriptions of emotional neglect/abuse (that’s what my therapist defines it as, so that’s what I’m labeling it with here!)

Title comes from the lyrics of Never Quite Free by The Mountain Goats. I’m also adding the link to info about the song on Genius, because the explanation of it there, about it having to do with trauma never quite letting you go, but finding a way to move on from it, is important in this fic, and part of why I used some of the lyrics for the title.

My love to all who read/like/reblog.

“I’m sorry, who the fuck are you?” Michael, a member of the security team had his entire body blocking the doorway to the back of the venue.

“I know someone on the crew,” a voice said, and your heart stopped beating for a moment.

You had been assisting in readying a few things for the concert (little things that might need replacing mid-show, like strings, or drum pads, etc) but now you bolted down the hall, dodging past your fellow crew members to find Freddie.

“We need to go,” you gasped as you skidded to a stop in the dressing room.

Freddie, shirtless, with one leg out of the trousers he’d worn to the venue, paused. “Right this moment?”

You nodded. “We are not dealing with this. Gather the lads, I’m going to find someone else on the security team so they can tell Michael how to deal with this.”

“Is something wrong with the venue?” he asked, slipping his trousers back on and zipping them, the button of them left undone as he walked after you down the hall. “Is someone hurt? We can’t just go without knowing why.”

“You’ve met my mum, and her side of the family,” you said. “And you know my history with my dad.”

You gave him a look, and waited a second until the light bulb dinged on.

“Really? Here? I thought you said he rarely contacts you.”

“He rarely does,” you said. “But, we’re in his town, and god I know I told Mum not to tell him I was with you, and working for you guys, but she must have. He’s probably been following the tour schedule and was just waiting for us to get here.”

“Is he here now?” Freddie asked.

“Yeah, Michael is dealing with-where are you going?”

Freddie had wheeled around, and headed for the door where Michael still stood, his voice and the voice of your father getting increasingly angrier and louder.

“Hello,” he chirped as he walked up to them, with you running on his heels. “Can we help you?”

“My kid works for you,” your father said, still trying to peer past Freddie and Michael to see into the venue’s back hall. “I was hoping to see her.”

“Ah,” Freddie said, wincing at your father’s use of the wrong pronoun. “Did you call ahead? And what is their name?”

Your father balked. You knew he didn’t like using your true/new first name, but didn’t often use your deadname either. In fact, you couldn’t recall if he had ever called you anything other than ‘hey...you’ in the few times he had seen you since you’d begun transitioning.

“Well, it should be [deadname],” he finally replied.

Freddie shook his head. “Sorry, no one by that name here. Maybe you’ve got the wrong band. Michael, is anyone else playing in town tonight?”

Michael shrugged. “I only pay attention to the band I work for.”

“Good man,” Freddie nodded. “I’m sorry you’ve been given incorrect information, but we do need to get back to preparing for the show. Have you bought a ticket? Perhaps we’ll see you in the crowd.”

It was the same fast patter he gave anyone that he didn’t want to talk to, and usually it worked like a charm.

Until your father saw you, hiding behind Freddie and Michael, as best you could.

“[Deadname]!” he cried, then paused. “I mean, hey...sweetheart. Your mom’s friend told me you were working for the band, and I thought, since you’re in town-”

You gently tapped Michael’s shoulder, and he stepped aside just enough to let you lean in to join them in the doorway. “This would be a good time to see me.”

“Yeah!” your dad nodded. “So? Are you free?”

“Not really,” you admitted. “The show is in a couple of hours, and I’m crew so...I need to help everyone get ready.”

“Could I maybe just bum around with you, while you work? I won’t get in the way; I’ll listen to instructions,” your father said. “I’m a Marine, so I can take instructions. Though I’m high up enough that I give them now.”

You could feel Michael and Freddie bristle, and you looked to them for your answer.

“I...for a bit, perhaps,” Freddie said stiltedly. “Though if we ask you to stay put in a spot, we’ll need you to listen. It can get quite hectic.”

Michael nodded. “And if we say stay out of an area, you don’t go there. Got it?”

Your father nodded, giving them a look as if they were mad for having anything other than absolute confidence in him. “As I said, I know how to listen. I’m not an idiot.”

You winced, but stepped aside along with Michael and Freddie to let your father inside. It was a small mercy that he hadn’t shown up in uniform, as he had during the few other times he had bothered to come see you over the years.

“I’m going to go change,” Freddie said. “But if you need anything. And I mean, anything, Y/N. Come and get me.”

He looked worried as he walked away, and you had a feeling he feared to leave you alone with your father. He knew every little detail of it all, from the years of seeing your father maybe five times over the course of your childhood as he hadn’t fought for custody of you (he’d been busy with the woman he’d begun dating while your mum had been pregnant with you, and with the child that resulted from that union and eventual marriage that had, unsurprisingly, ended in another divorce for him), to the painful conversations you’d had over the years with your father in trying to achieve something like either A. a decent father-child relationship or B. no contact closure.

Instead of those things, you had this.

“So, what is it you do exactly?” your father asked as you both watched Michael resume his post at the door.

“Little bit of everything,” you replied, and motioned for him to follow you down the hall. “I started as more of an apprentice than anything else, and I’m learning in all different areas of what needs to be done for a show. I’ve got some knowledge about working with the guitar techs, drum tech, bass tech, and some of the sound work. I’d love to learn more about the lighting rigs too, but I’ve been needed elsewhere. And of course, I help out in assisting the boys, getting them things they need, being an ear to vent to, things like that.”

You paused. “And...I mean...I am dating Freddie as well, so that’s a thing of its own! But it’s all professional when it’s showtime!”

Your father’s smile fell slightly, and you could feel the tension. He had made it clear at the start of your transition that he wasn’t comfortable with you doing it, but had told you “you’re still my child, and that counts for something.” You had never fully come out to him as gay in addition to being transgender, and evidently hearing it now like this was not going over well.

But he only made an uncomfortable clear of his throat, and followed as you went about finishing the rest of your tasks.

It wasn’t the worst, in that moment. It was even oddly nice, seeing him take some interest in what you were doing.

But then he spoke.

“Are you sure that should go there?” he asked, pointing to the strings you were setting aside near Brian’s wing of the stage.

“I am,” you replied confidently. “Best to have them right here, so if he breaks a string, we’re ready to fix it for him.”

“Seems like they might be in the way,” your father said. “Wouldn’t want anyone to ruin them by bumping against that crate.”

“Might seem that way,” you said, although you did not see it that way at all, and didn’t know of anyone else on the crew who would agree with him. “But it’s the tried and true method for us, you know?”

His smile was tight, but you ignored it, and led on to the next wing to help set up things for John.

“I don’t mean to overstep,” your father started again, and you bit back a frustrated sigh. “But there’s a lot of stuff in the way here, isn’t there? You can’t just leave that for someone else to trip on.”

“It won’t be,” you said. “But I’m not the one in charge of that; the folks that are using those crates and what’s in them will move them before show time.”

“You’re here right now, aren’t you?”

You stared down into the crate you were digging through, and fought back at what you wanted to say to him. “I am. But as I said, I might cause issues for everyone else if I move the things they’re using or working on right now. Best to stick to what I’ve been assigned, that’s how we work like a well-oiled machine.”

You were echoing what you’d been told during some of your first days on the crew, to help you acclimate to working with the team. It had proven to be some of the best advice you’d gotten. It didn’t mean you couldn’t be a safety net for each other to ensure everything got done, but it also meant you trusted each other to do your jobs, and to ask for help when needed, not to let a problem get out of control.

However, the only problem for this night was following you, and huffing more and more at everything you did that you could tell he felt was done ‘wrong.’

On your next pass down the main hall, you nearly ran into Brian.

“Sorry,” he smiled. “Who is this?”

“I’m [deadname]’s father,” your father said, pushing past you to reach a hand out to Brian.

“You mean Y/N?” Brian asked, a brow raised. The crew and band, over the years of getting close and comfortable with them, now knew most things about you and your transition, including your deadname. However, they also knew the importance of that name not being used for you and were protective over making sure no one else ever used it for you.

Your father’s smile didn’t falter, but he didn’t reply.

Brian gave you a curious look, but shook your father’s hand. “Well then. Pleased to meet you. I’m Brian. I take it Y/N is giving you the backstage tour, all the little secrets?”

“Well, she’s obviously still learning,” your father replied. “I mean, I tried to let her know what could be done better, but I’m sure the crew will get on her, right? A little tough love goes a long way!”

Brian looked peeved now, and all but jerked his hand out of your father’s. “He knows his job very well, actually. He’s sort of our jack-of-all-trades, can go almost wherever we need him. Except the lighting rigs, but we’re going to get him up there someday when there’s time for teaching all that, right, Y/N?”

You nodded. “I’m looking forward to that day!”

Your father nodded, and didn’t turn to look for your reaction. “So, I’m not really a fan-”

“Okay,” Brian chuckled.

“But I do play guitar on the side some, and I wanted to talk technique with you.”

You could see the ESCAPE NOW sign flashing in Brian’s brain, but he nodded instead of bolting from the hall, as you would not have blamed him for doing if he had done. “I don’t know how much advice I can give-”

“I think I’ve got some good advice for you, actually,” your father interrupted. “You play well, but there’s always room for improvement, right?”

“There is,” Brian said slowly. You knew he didn’t consider himself some godly player, but he also knew his level of skill and worth with the guitar. And it was certainly well above your father’s occasional slapping at an acoustic.

“That’s my man!” your father said, and slapped Brian on the back.

He was seeing red now, his mouth pursed, but you had to give Brian kudos for not immediately smacking your father across the face as you could tell he likely wanted to.

“Perhaps we can speak on that if you’re here after the show,” Brian said shortly. “I’m afraid I’ve forgotten something in one of the other rooms, excuse me.”

He moved past you gently, giving your upper arm a soft squeeze as he did. It felt like an apology, for leaving you with your father.

“Kind of rude,” your father remarked as you led him on down the hall. Your next task was to ensure the lads didn’t need anything or any help in getting ready; they almost never did, but it would always be a part of the pre-show ritual, just in case.

“Everyone gets a little short around this time,” you defended. “They’ve got to focus in on their jobs. We all do.”

“You certainly have walking around and messing with things down to an art,” he snipped.

You stopped, and turned to him. “Yeah, I do.”

You continued on, ignoring the scoff from him as you did. Any time before, you wouldn’t have had time for his shit simply on principle. But now, you really truly did not have time to deal with his bullshit.

You had a band to help get on-stage, in only another hour.

“Good evening, boys,” you greeted Roger, Freddie, and John. Brian had yet to return, you figured waiting until he didn’t hear your father’s voice anywhere near by before he would dare to enter the hallway again.

“Y/N!” Roger grinned. “Freddie says you’ve got a guest!”

You nodded. “This is my dad. He actually lives here, and he knew we were in town-”

“So here I am!” your father interrupted, and went round to shake hands with all of them, even Freddie, who shot you a puzzled look at that.

“Anyone need anything? Usual checklist, food, water, clothing repairs, human sacrifice, you know,” you said, and smiled as the boys giggled.

“We’re alright,” John said. “Don’t know about the others, but I’ve barely seen you all day. Nice to have the moment to check in with you.”

“What do you do in the band?” your father asked John, stepping back and nearly in front of you.

“Bass,” John replied.

“Cool! You know, I play guitar,” your father said. “Which is pretty similar to the bass, I’m sure you’ve noticed.”

John was giving him a look that could kill, but it didn’t seem to phase your father one bit.

“And I was actually trying to talk to the guitarist earlier, Brennan, I think?” your father continued.

“Brian,” Freddie corrected, the disgust in his voice only barely hidden. To anyone who knew him decently well, however, it was obvious in his tone.

“Sure,” your father said, not even looking over to Freddie. “I wanted to give him some tips that I’ve picked up, but he brushed me off. Maybe you could use them?”

“No thanks,” John replied, as politely as you knew he could manage with the frustration brewing, evident from the wrinkles in his brow.

“Come on,” your father pushed. “Consider it fatherly advice.”

You had also shared your history with your father with the rest of the band. They were all less than pleased with it, to put it gently, and were sympathetic to you, but John in particular had been upset about it all. Maybe it had to do with him having three kids of his own, maybe it was just because you were good friends with the whole band now, or maybe there was some other factor in his life that you didn’t yet know that made him more sensitive to it all.

But he was openly angry now.

“I’m sorry, but what I know of you does not designate you as much of a father,” John said sternly.

“Sorry?” your father scoffed. “You don’t know me, so I don’t know how you could say anything like that.”

“I know about you,” John said. “Y/N has told us everything, from his childhood up until now. And if I ever behaved as you have with him? I would not only expect my children to not want to be around me or to contact me, but I would encourage them not to, because I would have obviously lost my manners, common sense, and ability to parent.”

The room was painfully tense. Roger and Freddie were watching with held breath, same as you, and you moved to stand near where Freddie was sat.

“You have children? You look like a boot, fresh into Camp Pendleton,” your father chuckled. “Noodley arms and all.”

“I have three,” John replied sharply. “All with one woman, my Ronnie, and not strewn across the countryside.”

“You’re a saint,” your father spat sarcastically. “Do you look down on every man who happens to have had more than one spouse, and kids with each of them? Or just me?”

“Just you, actually,” John said. “Because you don’t care about your son, that’s evident to me. You care about having things to show off, and that includes your children. That’s not what children are for.”

Your father opened his mouth to protest, but John raised a finger to show he wasn’t done.

“Not that you would know. From what I’ve been told, you were only there to help raise the last two you had, with your current wife,” John said. “And do I ever pity her. What a quandary: to stay with you and deal with you when you surely must be even more insufferable at home, or to leave, and hope she can manage the children alone, while you bounce to the next woman and drop a few new ones in her.”

“That’s enough,” your father said harshly.

“I’m not fucking finished,” John spat. “I know Y/N has a lot of this he’s wanted to say, but he hasn’t gotten the chance. And I’ll be happy to cede the floor to him in a moment, so he can take over and say his lot. But I’ve been fuming over this since he told us everything about you, and you’re going to shut up and listen. I know you aren’t much good at that, per Y/N’s time with you, but I also know you like to talk about yourself and no one else. So this should be satisfactorily masturbatory for you.”

For once, your father was shocked into silence.

“How can you treat your own child that way? In every conversation Y/N has recalled to us, you cut him off, don’t listen to him, don’t seem to care about what he has to say. You ask, sure, but that’s purely to perform what you think you’re meant to do with a child, isn’t it? You tick that box, and then you can move on to boast about your work with the military, or your other children, and you expect Y/N to smile and congratulate you. But have you ever done the same for him, aside from the most basic ‘oh good?’ Don’t answer, I know you haven’t,” John continued. “I know that no parent can know exactly what their child feels. I wouldn’t expect you to mind read, and Y/N doesn’t either-”

You nodded.

“But you could have considered how he feels. With never seeing you-”

“I’ve come to see her, and had to fight to get her to agree to it,” your father interrupted.

“I barely know you as a person!” you shouted. It was too hard to hold back anymore. “And when I was little? I knew even less! I knew your name, I knew that you were a Marine, I knew that you found someone else before I was born which is why you and Mum divorced, and that’s why my first half-sister is so close in age to me. But aside from that? I didn’t know how act around you, how you might be as a person. I was a shy kid to begin with; it was all the more difficult to go with you anywhere all of the five times you came to see me before I turned eighteen because I...”

You faltered. “I didn’t know you. And you didn’t know me, and you didn’t make the effort to get to know me, even when I did the same for you. I was able to tell the boys not just what all that was like, but about the things you love. Your favorite foods, hobbies, color, activities that you do with my half-siblings. Could you tell them any of that about me?”

The room was deathly quiet.

“I don’t have to put up with this,” your father said coldly. “I did you a favor by coming here to see you; I didn’t have to do that.”

“No, you didn’t,” Roger said, standing from his chair to come over and wrap an arm around you, while Freddie held tight to one of your hands. “And from the sounds of it, you shouldn’t have done it at all. I think you need to leave.”

“I thought Y/N had something more to say to me?” your father asked mockingly, glaring back at John.

The tears had welled up past the point of hiding them, but you nodded. “Why? Why are like this with me? Because you feel I didn’t ‘make enough effort’ as a kid to somehow get to know you in five visits, most of them barely an hour long? Everyone I’ve talked to, my therapist included, says the onus should have been on you to get to know me, and the relationship could have developed from there. Did you ever want to have one with me? Did you ever want to really be my dad? Did you even want kids, or were we just accidents you had to pay child support for?”

He rolled his eyes. “I didn’t come here to listen to you whine.”

“And what about me now?” you continued, ignoring his comment. “I know you don’t like that I’m transgender; you may not have said it out loud but it’s there. In your tone, that look you give me whenever I talk about anything in relation to it, like you’re humoring me by listening to me. The last time we saw each other, you could barely spend an hour with me, you winced when we hugged, which I only did because you wanted the damned hug anyway! You told me I was still your child and that counted for something, but I don’t think you fucking meant it. I think you said it because you felt like you were obligated to say something like that”

You wiped at the tears with your free hand. “You clearly aren’t a fan of my relationship either. Don’t think I didn’t see the look on your face when I mentioned it. For someone who lies about everything from his achievements to whether he’ll be in town to see his kid or not, you’re a horrible fucking liar.”

His eyes flashed, and you knew you were in for it. But it was cathartic all the same, to finally say so much of what had been in your head for years, whenever he was brought up, the few times he had come to visit you (and when he was in town, it was never just for you; there was always some bigger, more interesting thing for him like hunting or seeing his old friends. You were an afterthought, a ‘since I’m here, I may as well.’)

“I’ve tried, since becoming an adult, to give you more chances. To see if we could make it work. But it’s like trying to build a house with someone with no foundation, and the other person won’t even try to help set one up,” you said softly. “I need closure. I can’t do this anymore, and I think if you were honest, you’d admit you don’t want to either. Hell, one of Mum’s friends told me that you were telling their old high school friends that you were disowning me. That was two years ago! Yet here you are. So what is it? Is this over, and I’m disowned, and we don’t talk again, or do you want to try and make equal effort with me, and be my dad properly, for the first time in your life?”

He stared at you. At Roger, who was holding you close. At Freddie, who was squeezing your hand in the pattern of threes he always did when you were nervous or upset. At John, who was glaring him down with a frightening ferocity.

You looked, and realized Brian was in the doorway. You had no idea how long he’d been there, but he was glaring down your father as well, so it had to have been for awhile.

Your father looked at you, shook his head, and left.

He pushed past Brian, past every crew member in the hall who had gathered to try and see what all the shouting was about, and you crowded out in the hall among them with the boys.

And watched him walk out of the venue, without another word.

---

The show went on as planned. There wasn’t much time to finish getting ready, but you pushed everyone to hurry. You could see in everyone’s eyes, from the lads to your fellow crew members, that they wanted to talk to you about what had happened.

But there wasn’t time for that, not with fans waiting.

It was only after, with everyone settled in the hotel room you shared with Freddie, that the dam finally broke.

“I should have hit him,” Brian mused. “I’m not a violent man. But he deserved it.”

“I would have liked to have had a turn as well,” John said. “I’m still absolutely furious with him. To hear all of that, if he listened at all, and then to just...go. If I ever act like that towards my own children or Veronica, you all have my permission to slap some sense back into me.”

Roger nodded. “Think I could have done with a smack to him. Freddie used to box, that would have been the real show.”

Freddie chuckled and shook his head. “Agreed, but all the same, I’m glad it didn’t come to that. It was terrible enough as it was. Are you alright, Y/N? As alright as you can be, I mean.”

You nodded slowly. “I think so. I will be, at least. If nothing else, I finally got him to hear everything I’ve had in my mind. And thank you, John, for your part in saying it. I needed the help to get going; you said it all as I would have.”

John reached over and gave your hand a squeeze. “Glad I could help. It was really satisfying, wasn’t it?”

“It was,” you replied. “I just wish it had ended differently. I thought...I always try to give him a chance, you know? I thought maybe he would have surprised me, and said that he wanted to try and work on a relationship with me. But if he isn’t willing, then I hope he just leaves me alone from now on. It just would have been nice if he had wanted to try...I mean, I’ve never really had a dad. A grandfather, yes, and an uncle, and some men I looked up to as father figures but never really knew. But that’s not the same.”

They piled on top of you, and you barely had enough time to set aside your drink onto the nearest end table before they did.

“I know you don’t see us that way,” Roger said. “And I’m glad you don’t, it would be weird if you did, all things considered. But if you’d like, we can play at it sometimes. I’ll yell at you to clean your room.”

“I can teach you how to ride a bike, or something,” John added.

“You don’t have homework anymore, since you aren’t in school,” Brian said. “But I could give you homework, about space or something about it, and then I could get on you about finishing it. I’d make it fun, I promise.”

“And all three of them can have a talk with me about making sure I’m good enough for you, and that I’d best not break your heart,” Freddie said. He was closest pressed to you, and gave you a quick kiss. “Not that anyone need worry about that.”

“I know my heart is safe with you,” you said. “And thank you, all of you. I’m sorry you had to deal with him in any capacity tonight.”

From under Freddie, Brian, Roger, and John’s arms, you could hear the crew’s words of assurance, and it made everything feel so much better. Despite how your father had been, no one hated you for this actions. An irrational thing you knew, but even so, it was nice to have the worry assuaged.

“God help me, if he comes back again, I’m physically tossing him away,” Michael said, and the mood of the room lifted even more as everyone laughed.

The boys clambered back off of you, and Freddie found his bottle of beer again, only to raise it. “A toast: to the promise that if any of us should see him trying to come around again before we leave town, we will physically toss him as far away as we can!”

You raised your glass of water while everyone else raised their drinks, and it was perhaps the most fulfilling drink of water you’d ever had as the toast concluded. There was nothing that could erase what had happened with your father, in the past and now, but there was a future to look forward to. One likely without him, but with more love and care from the boys and crew than you could ever have gotten from your father.

#text post #LeeH writes #queen band fic #freddie mercury x male reader #freddie mercury x reader

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starshineskyandthepowerofrock · 3 years

Text

Winter Break

Part 22 of Starshine, Sky, and the Power of Rock.

"Isn't there ice on the moon?" Star asks me as we untie our skates.

"Mm hm," I say. "But gravity isn't as strong as it is down here, so we can't really skate on it."

Sky bangs the heel of her skate on the pavement, knocking shimmery ice off the blade. "You'll get the hang of it."

"Well, thanks for at least trying to teach me, guys," I say.

We find Gossamer and Pearl sitting at one of the tables set up around the rink, hidden among lots and lots of bustling people in a rainbow of warm coats.

"Your drinks are getting cold," Gossamer says, handing us paper cups. The warmth that I'd hoped would help thaw my numbing fingers doesn't come when I take mine. Star and Sky both take sips only to pull back with grimaces.

"Yeah, this is basically chocolate milk," Sky says.

Star giggles. "I guess we were out there a bit too long." She starts standing up. "Here, why don't I-"

"I can get us some new ones!" I say.

"Oh, you don't have to do that, Crescent," she says, patting me on the shoulder.

"No, really, I can! See?" I stand up and only stumble a little this time. "I'll be fine!"

She sits back down. "Okay, then."

Now that I'm looking, the nearest hot chocolate stand is a lot farther away than I'd been imagining. It wouldn't have been very far for Star, but for someone who had to go through months of training just to learn how to walk on this planet it's a bit more of a challenge. But that's no reason not to try!

Heel-toe heel-toe heel-toe- toe toe toe! I'm only an inch away from bumping into a fairy family but dodge them just in time. Heel-toe heel-toe- heel-heel toe-heel toe-heel toe-heel... I'm almost there!

"Oof!" I've bumped into someone! "I'm so sorry!" I tell her. She's bundled up to her eyes in red and black. "I- I'm still getting used to moving around down he-"

"It's fine," she says, brushing past me. But just before she and the pink-haired girl she's with leave, I catch a glimpse of their eyes, blood red against their pale skin. My heart skips a beat. But all they do is grab a couple hot chocolates and disappear into the crowd.

My breath quickens. What does this mean? Are we in trouble? Are they from the Band of Darkness? Should I tell someone? I think back to the raids that have happened this year alone. They usually happen while we're in class, but sometimes I catch glimpses of the destruction outside the classroom windows. When they happen on the weekends we'll be escorted into the palace and put on lockdown. Not to mention three of my band members have been attacked by them! Star and Gossamer have to hold each other when they catch word of another raid. Sky can keep a tough face but I see her shaking when it happens, too.

But... these vampires weren't doing anything, though. They just took some free drinks and left. Left to do what? I don't know. Drink them, I guess. One of the drinks I'm getting is for a vampire. Maybe they just want a hot chocolate on a cold day like she does. Maybe they aren't with the Band of Darkness like she isn't.

Oh, there's a crowd forming around me! I pick up five cups (it's a little complicated but I'll manage) and decide that if the alarm doesn't sound then we'll be fine.

🌙🌙🌙

Star has been inviting us to weekend spa days in her room ever since that one spa didn't let Sky in. I think the DIY face masks we're making are a lot more fun anyway. Today we're sitting in front of her fireplace in our robes taking turns smearing fruity-smelling slimes on each other's faces. Star doesn't like when I call them slimes but they sure feel that way to me. I think it makes them more fun!

"So, I invited Citrus, but he turned it down again," Star says, applying under eye patches to Sky's dark circles.

"Not all your friends will like each other," Gossamer says as she mixes some more charcoal into her bowl.

Star sighs. "Yeah, I guess... It's just gonna be so awkward for winter break, though! His whole band is going home but he's staying and so is Sky, so what am I supposed to do? I don't want either of you to be lonely."

"Don't worry, it takes a lot to get me feeling lonely," Sky says, already picking at one of the patches. "Plus, Crescent will be here to keep me company, woncha?"

"Mm hm!" I say. "The ship only lands to drop us off in the fall and pick us up in the summer, so I'll be right here!"

Gossamer sighs, now applying her charcoal mask to Pearl. "I wish I could stay, too. But elves are supposed to take our holidays very seriously. I'm already in it deep with my father as it is. If I disrespected our traditions any more I don't think I'd live to tell the tale."

"On the bright side, at least Summer is also in trouble with him for the arm thing," Star says. She stills Sky's hands and smooths out the patches. "So she'll be off your back, at least."

"For now," Gossamer sighs.

"I still don't get why you guys have to go all the way to the north pole for a holiday," Sky says. "What is it you guys do there again? Build stuff?"

Gossamer fans Pearl's face to help it dry and starts applying the rest of the mask to Star. "We make toys. A really long time ago there was an old elf who lived up there and found a portal to another dimension or something, and instead of using his knowledge to further investigate the existence of a wider multiverse he distributed handmade gifts to the children there once a year. So now all the elves make this big trek up north every winter to help his descendants finish that year's workload. Last year I made over 200 dolls."

"Wow," we all say, even Pearl. As the others' conversation shifts to winter holidays and multiverse theories, I can't help wondering what was going on with those vampire girls today. The alarm never did sound, so I can only guess they didn't hurt anyone. So why do I feel bad about not telling my friends about them? All I did was bump into them, really. That's hardly something to mention when I bump into people every day. But if I told them who I bumped into today, I know they'd freak. Right?

🌙🌙🌙

I'm still thinking about all this come next weekend, when the palace travels around the whole kingdom dropping off the students who'll be staying home for winter break. In Hillside, we take turns hugging Gossamer goodbye and try to help her load her luggage into one of the big flying sleighs that they'll be taking to the north pole. Summer and Star exchange dark glares. So do Mr. Glade and Sky. But nothing happens, probably because others were watching, so the Glades leave without a scene.

Once we get to the East Shore, it's time to wave off Pearl and the other merpeople. I'd really been hoping I would have known my own roommate a bit better at this point, but when we tell her bye it's still a bit awkward. She doesn't say much more than a little "Bye." She does let us stroke her horse's scaly neck, though. Then she hops on his back and rides into the sea with the others. A few moments later, shimmery green, blue, and purple tails flap above the surface before diving into Saline Deep.

Sky stays put a bit longer after they've all left. Star and I follow her sightline to the Isle of Isolation, a dark little blip on the clear blue horizon.

"I could make it back," she says.

"You know it's too dangerous," Star reminds her gently. "Who knows what they'll do with you once you're back in their territory? And if your family was found harboring you..." Sky's doing the thing where her face doesn't move. I can't tell enough what she's thinking to give any input but Star reads her eyes enough to say, "You won't be alone." She takes her gloved hand. "See?"

Sky gives a sad little smile. "I guess you're right." She turns to me and offers her hand. "Plus, I'm not the only homesick one here, I'm sure."

I raise my eyebrows, not really sure why I'm surprised by her saying this. "Oh!" I say. I take her hand. "Yeah, seeing the moon again would be nice."

🌙🌙🌙

On the moon, we don't sleep in beds but in rest chambers. They're these ceiling-to-floor air-sealed padded boxes that we float around in while we sleep. There's no blankets 'cause it's perfectly temperature-controlled. They can even play music! Or white noise, if that's your thing.

Mine here is super comfy! The pads are cotton candy colored, which I love! And it's the only place I have where the physics are anything like home. Home...

I wonder what I'd be doing on winter break if I'd went home. We don't really have winter there, or any other seasons, and there's no holiday around this time. It'd be nice to see my old friends, though. I haven't really thought about them a whole lot, 'cause every time I do I get sad that they're not here. My mom just told me that it'd be fine, 'cause I'd have new friends here. And she's right, but... It doesn't keep my chest from tightening a bit when I think about them.

They'd, um...

The thing was, we had a band, me and my moon friends. That was how I learned the drums. And it was super fun! Especially since they argued way less than my parents did. I preferred being out of the house drumming away as long as I could before I had to come home to hear either one announce again that they were leaving before deciding again that it was a bad idea...

Hm...

These thoughts aren't helping me sleep. It also doesn't help that I'm upside down. I right myself and try to think about something else.

Those vampire girls are an interesting thing to think about. There isn't much to work with, though. I've been thinking in circles about them for days now. Maybe I should just get some warm milk.

When I walk out to the living room, I find Sky holding her stuffed spider and nursing a steaming mug by the kitchenette. She has her earbuds in, but takes one out when she notices me.

"You can't sleep either?" I ask her.

She shrugs. "Something like that. Warm milk?"

I nod and she puts another mug in the microwave.

"School breaks are usually when I kill my sleep schedule," she says, watching the mug spin. She takes it out and hands it to me. "I may be done with sleep for the night."

I blow and sip. "I'm still trying to start."

She sucks air through her teeth. "I know that feeling. Something bothering you?"

I shake my head, guilty about not telling her but not enough to, well, tell her. But maybe there is something she can give me perspective on. "I've just been wondering about stuff."

"Like what?"

"Well... Is it normal for monsters to come to the Land of Light?"

She tilts her head, not smiling anymore. "Why do you ask?"

"O-oh, it's not about you, I get why you're here. I was wondering more about, um. See, the thing is I, uh. I saw some vampires the other day. When we were skating?"

She furrows her brow a bit. "Uh huh?"

"And they just took some hot chocolate and left, you know? Without doing anything else. So I was curious if monsters come here a lot. For, like. Not war reasons."

Sky takes her time finishing her milk before answering my question. "It's not normal, that's for sure. I mean, we haven't been straight-up banned from coming in the Land of Light since, like, fifty years ago." She gestures to herself. "Clearly. But I've never met a monster that wanted to come here for, like, a vacation or something. We're usually taught to think of this place as enemy territory. So, I can't tell you what that was about."

I want to ask further but worry about bringing up memories from earlier this year. "You don't think they were... um..."

"With the Band of Darkness?"

I nod.

She thinks for a bit. Then she shrugs. "Can't tell you."

Well, that's not very helpful.

Sky stretches her shoulders and heads for her bedroom. "Ah well, I'm sure it's nothing," she says on her way out. I'm about to go back to my own room when I notice her come back out with a notebook in her hands.

"What's that?" I ask.

She looks up, surprised I'm still here. "Huh? Oh, uh... just writing something."

"Another song?"

She nods.

"Can I hear?" I ask.

"Uh..." Sky scratches the back of her head, backing away.

"You don't have to," I say. Oh no, I've messed up! "It's okay, really!"

Sky relaxes a bit. "Thanks."

🌙🌙🌙

Just when I'm finally drifting off to sleep, I'm woken up by a knock on the door to my rest chamber. The world is diagonal, almost upside down when I open my eyes, so I make sure to right myself so my feet can touch the floor when I turn off the antigravity and open the door to Sky.

"I wanna show you something," she says. She leads me out of my room and surprises me by making her way for the door to the hallway.

"I thought we couldn't leave our dorms after sundown," I say.

"We can. We just aren't allowed to." She cracks open the door. Then in a puff of dark red smoke she's turned into a bat. Hovering in front of my face she whispers, "Stay in the shadows," and slips through the crack. I push the door open a bit further and tiptoe out behind her.

My heart goes pitter-pat with excitement as I creep along, keeping close to the wall and in the darker areas like Sky said. She flaps her way into the First Year girls' common room, who's door has been left ajar. When I open it to step in behind her, she's already back to her normal self.

"There's no cameras in here. I've checked," she says.

My eyes drift to the piano. There's Sky's notebook, open to reveal some sheet music. I gasp. "Are you gonna play your song for me?"

"What?" Sky says. "Oh, no, I just thought you could answer a question I've got." She does a "come here" thing with her fingers and leads me to a far corner of the room. Between a bookcase and a TV set is a patch of wall that's... shimmering? And now that I'm closer, it sounds like there's a low hum coming from it, too.

"What is that?" I ask.

"I thought you'd have an idea," she says. "Started going like that while I was playing. Magic tech where I come from isn't anything like here or the moon, so, I was hoping you'd be able to explain what I'm looking at here."

"I don't even know what I'm looking at!"

Sky crosses her arms. "Well then." She walks back over to the piano and picks up a pencil sitting next to her notebook. "Let's find out." She tosses it at the wall. It disappears with the tiniest burst of sparkles.

"Where'd it go?" I ask, my heart going even faster now.

"Huh," is all Sky says back. She's stroking her chin. Then she reaches her hand out.

I grab her arm. "Hold on, I don't want you to get hurt!"

She pats my hand before gently lifting it from her arm. "I'm a vampire, remember? Unless this thing's made outta garlic or something I think I'll be alright." When her hand gets close to the shimmers, a couple glittery crackles make her pull back for a sec. But she reaches out again. At first she tries resting her hand on the wall, but then it pushes right through!

Sky turns to me, as shocked as I am.

She pulls her hand back out, and now it's covered in pale pink and lavender sparkles. "What the hell?"

"It's a portal!" I say.

"To where?"

Our eyes tear from her hand and meet. The same thought makes us both smile in dangerous excitement. I guess neither of us are sleeping tonight.

#vampire #magical girl #magical school #winter #ice skating #moon rabbit #fantasy story #fantasy writing #vampire oc #original characters

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mrsrhys23 · 4 years

Text

The burden of the crown

Paring: Liam x MC

A/N: All characters belong to Pixelberry.

Permatags: @desireepow-1986 @cordoniaqueensworld @texaskitten30

Issac had grown accustomed to getting his own way. He was a prince, his parents, older sister and brother, were always busy and nannies the king and queen had hired were pushovers- in the nine year old's opinion.

Prince Issac was in fact the youngest, there was a considerable age gap between his sister Eleanor who had just turned twenty and his brother, Antony, who was eighteen. He was the baby in the family so naturally he was given more attention- when his parents were actually home that was.

Liam and Riley of course hated that they didn't get to spend as much time with their son as they’d like to.

Being Royal, yes sounded glamorous and luxurious but it wasn’t all it was made out to be. Being a member of the royal family could be tough. Their lives were constantly being talked about, every move to be praised or criticised on top of all of that were the responsibilities they had, all the meetings and paperwork that the press and people weren't aware of that was happening behind the scenes. All in all it could be a curse rather than a blessing sometimes.

Riley was in her office typing away on her laptop. She didn't even know how long she’d actually been staring at the thing by now- there was just so much to do.

Riley and Liam were getting older- yes they were only in their middle to late forties but that didn't make it any easier. You would think with over two decades of experience they would know what they were doing but they still made mistakes but learned from them nonetheless.

She closed the lid when she heard someone knocking on the door. “Come in!” she called.

She relaxed somewhat when her daughter peeked her head in- she was kind of dreading that someone was bringing her more work to add the seemingly bottomless amount of work she already had.

Eleanor shut the door behind her and plopped down into a chair in front of her mother’s desk. “You okay?” Eleanor asked. Riley raised a brow. “You seem stressed. Anything I can help with?”

“No, I’m fine, it’s not your job. I can handle it,” the queen insisted.

Eleanor nodded, “Okay.”

“Is there something wrong, Elle?”

“No...but Issac I know that he’s been misbehaving and I know he needs to be punished but I think he’s only doing it to get your attention.” Riley went to speak but the princess continued, “I know that you and dad are busy but look at it from his perspective. He’s aware you spent time with Antony and I growing up and I suppose he’d can't quite grasp why you can't now with him. I know that you had help, Grandma Regina, Uncle Drake, Uncle Maxwell, Aunt Liv and Hana that allowed you to spend time with us but now they have their own children and are off doing their own things...He just feels left out, Mom. I’ll help with anything I can, you know you can always ask me. I just don't want my little brother to feel like he’s not as important.”

Riley felt tears clouding in her eyes. She didn't know that Issac was feeling that way, of course he was just as important as his siblings, the damn crown just made it difficult to always be there.

“D-does he honestly think that?” Riley asked, holding back a few tears.

The princess nodded solemnly.

“It’s not your fault,” Eleanor insisted.

“Yes it is. I’m his mother- this is my responsibility. Does your dad know?”

“Antony has gone to speak to him. We’ve spent a lot of time with him and yeah we have fun but we’re not his parents. He just needs you and dad to-”

“Be his parents,” Riley finished.

“Yeah. Mom I’m sorry i didn't mean to upset you or-”

“No,” Riley said, cutting her daughter off, “No, I'm glad you told me. I should have noticed I- We’re just so busy that- I know we don't spend time with him and when we do it’s brief. I don't even remember the last time I tucked him in at night or had a proper, decent conversation with him.”

Eleanor reached out and placed a comforting hand on her mother’s arm. “I’m here if you need help. One day, I’ll be queen. I could do with some actual experience.”

“I know,” Riley sighed, “It’s not your job neither is looking after your brother.”

Eleanor patted her mother’s arm and got to her feet, smoothing down her clothes. She turned to leave but looked back at Riley. “Just...don’t beat yourself up too much about this, okay?” Eleanor advised, giving her mother a soft smile then left the office, leaving the Queen to her work.

Riley rubbed her hands down her tired face. She had never felt more guilty than she did now. Running the country was her duty as Queen but she wondered if it was worth it. Her family, her kids were the most important people in her life- they always would be.

Riley picked up her laptop and stood from her desk, flicking the lights off as she left her office.

She passed Antony on her travels. They both exchanged a ‘hello’ as Riley continued on to her husband's office, her eldest son understood his mother’s reluctance for a proper conversation. Liam and Riley were the type of people to overthink everything, to worry about everything, however, this time it was somewhat warranted.

Riley tapped her knuckles against the king's office door. She was soon given permission to enter. She pushed the door open to see Liam stood by his drink cart, looking like he was just deciding on what to drink. He twisted his head to face the door when it was pushed open, allowing his wife to see his red, puffy eyes.

“Liam…,” she said, quietly. Liam didn't often show his emotions, he always put everyone else first, except today he was faced with the realisation that he wasn't putting the most important people in his life first. In all technicality, he was putting...strangers first but at the end of the day, that was his duty as king.

He made a vow a very long time ago not to be like his father, to always put his family first, to make sure they always felt loved and wanted….but he failed. Riley also made a similar vow, her own parents were hardly award worthy, so she strived to be different, they both did.

Eleanor absolutely had a point earlier on. Liam and Riley had their friends, Regina to rely upon when Eleanor and Antony were children and now they were off doing their own things or looking after their own children. That shouldn’t be used as an excuse though, plenty of parents work and still have time for their children. Time to make sure they felt loved and cared for.

Riley just gave her husband a small, sad smile and gestured they both take a seat. Liam sat on his chair behind the oak desk and Riley took one of the hard, frankly quite uncomfortable, leather seats in front of it.

“You okay?” Riley asked, although she knew what the answer would be. She knew her husband, she knew he’d be beating himself up over this.

“Are you?” Liam retorted, avoiding her question like she thought he would.

Riley shook her head, looking up from her lap, where she was currently wringing her hands together, back up to her husband. “What are we going to do?”

“Make it right,” Liam said simply. “I don’t know how yet but...he’s our son. We just need to be there for him. I know that it’s easier said than done right now- with everything going on in our lives, running our country but...this is our children were talking about.”

She nodded, taking in his words, “I got a call from Carly this morning-” Carly was the nanny. The call being about something the mischievous Issac Rys had gotten up to that morning shortly after the King and Queen had headed out.

It was Friday, the royal children all attended school as a stride to make each of their childhoods as ‘normal’ as possible, however, Issac had been misbehaving and the school was forced to take action to prevent the young prince from distracting other students from their learning and so he was consequently suspended for the rest of the week. The school in question had been told to treat the prince and his parents like ordinary people because at heart they were. It was just some fancy titles that set them aside from everybody else.

He raised an eyebrow, encouraging her to continue. “Apparently, he’s been misbehaving again. She didn't exactly go into detail on what that means but...she thinks he’s doing it to get our attention.”

He nodded. He had tried that approach once or twice when he was a child and craved affection and love from his father. It made sense.

“Well, not that i’m condoning his behaviour or rewarding it when i say this but...why don't we head to Applewood tonight for the weekend? You, the children and I for some family time? Your schedule is clear, correct?”

She nodded, “Except I wanted to do some research before i headed to that school Monday and I still need to finish my presentation for the council meeting Tuesday morning.”

“I’ll help you with anything you need. I'm aware you don't need my help but if we get it done together then we’ll be able to spend more time together over the weekend or we could come home Sunday morning, that way it’ll give you the rest of the day.”

“Sounds good,” she replied, smiling up at him. “I’ve written all of it out. I just need to edit it and make sure it’s alright but a weekend in Applewood sounds amazing right now.”

“I’ll ask Bastien to make the preparations if you want to go and tell the children?”

“Okay,” she nodded, picking up her laptop off the desk. She headed over to the door but hesitated to turn the doorknob, she spun around on her heel to face Liam.

“Something the matter, Ri?” Liam asked. Riley didn’t say anything as she headed back over to his desk, placing her laptop down and wrapped her husband into a hug. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him. He didn't actually know when the last time they were this close to each other, all he knew was that he missed his wife...missed his kids.

They both were really just starting to feel the burden of the crown but they had battled far worse demons together.

#choices the royal romance #playchoices #liam x mc #trr #trr liam #trr riley #trr chocies #the royal romance #trr fanfic

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chibivesicle · 4 years

Text

Golden Kamuy chapters 231 & 232.

Hey all, here is my belated and likely as little bit shorter than normal summary. I’m taking the weekend off from dealing with work related stuff but I’m still off dealing with the constantly changing situation here. We start off with Inkarmat about to give birth with the assistance of Osoma’s mother and huci. I wondered why Osoma’s mom doesn’t have a name but if I recall all of the Ainu names in the manga have to not belong to a living person (I think from an interview with Noda) to be respectful, so I’m guessing it is trickier than normal to keep coming up with appropriate and proper names for the Ainu characters. This might be a good work around for the time being for Noda.

And the title page for the chapere tells us that is is birth and that Huci is the most seasoned midwife possible and that she was also Asirpa’s midwife. The title page also has the quote that “Purpose is handed down from heaven.” sticking with the central theme of the manga included in each volume of the manga.

The title page also makes it almost look like Huci is blessing someone perhaps linked to Asirpa. Tanigaki then being the dude that he is decides to leave Inkarmat in their hands as he uses this as an excuse to slip away and find Tsukishima.

In a way this is both in and out of character for him. It is in character for him to run away from emotional moments and duties but it is out of character for him to steal Sugimoto’s tagline that he’s immortal.

Inkarmat is clearly the smarter of the couple, he first off tells him to NOT fight or attempt to fight Tsukishima and then she flat out calls his bluff telling him that he’s not immortal and that he should run away by himself. She likely observed Tsukishima enough during her time at the hospital that she knew he wouldn’t give up and that if they want to be safe Tanigaki should draw him away.

It really doesn’t matter as soon as he leaves the house, he gets his ass handed to him by Tsukishima. He’s pushed back into the house and Tsukishima approaches everyone. Tanigaki again repeats similar actions in regards to what happened to him with Ogata as he sees it to be his job to protect who ever is there e.g. Huci and Osoma, now Huci, Osoma’s mom, Inkarmat. . . .

Tanigaki perplexes me - he’s one of the cast members who is more than willing to throw himself in the line of fire to protect women and children, but he’s also the most likely to run from his responsibilities. Why is he a hypocrite? There must be something more to this . . . I’m just still not sure what it is.

Tsukishima simply and in a deadpan fashion tells him that he’s been making the “wrong” choice for a long time now.

He distances himself from Huci and Inkarmat by referring to them as “this woman” and “that old lady” and that it is because of their influence over him he did not come back to the 27th. This makes a lot of sense from Tsukishima to be so weird about things. He has no fiancee to return home to and to family. He sees that he has no choice but to return to the 27th as it is all that he has.

Just as things are about to escalate Koito rushes in on horseback. He’s still wearing his yukuta from the hospital but threw on his boots and officer’s coat. Tsukishima doesn’t even look at Koito as he asks if Koito followed him to see if they would escape. And Koito firmly tells him that he can’t see what good would come from killing Tanigaki and Inkarmat. He points out that Tanigaki isn’t their only way to find Asirpa and that they should let them run away.

And here Koito is being incredibly logical and reasonable! They don’t need to reply on Tanigaki. Yes, Tsurumi sent him to find Asirpa but Koito is seeing the bigger picture, one that Tsukishima currently can’t see. Koito tries to reason with him that making a threat that you can’t follow through on is meaningless. Tsukishima then finally turns and threatens Koito with his pistol while keeping the rifle focused on Tanigaki and Inkarmat. He makes it clear that his threat to Koito from Karafuto is real. The zoom in on Tsukishima with his veins bulging out, the extreme stress lines under his eyes the chaotic screentone. He creepily asks which side the 2 lt. is on and follows it up with the fact that he learned he was used by Tsurumi that he now has joined the traitors.

The final panel shows an equally stressed out Koito where we can see a very distinct frown and stress lines as well as a rather messy screentone behind him. I really see that Koito is concerned but he seems more in control that I’ve seen from him. There is something about how he’s drawn here - I can’t quite put my finger on it but he seems more mature and determined. And I know that Koito can be a pretty determined guy but - but he’s different.

The next page then seals the deal for me. A full page Koito giving Sergent Tsukishima an order! Koito tells him to lower his weapon as it is an order! Koito has finally decided to take charge as he should as a second lieutenant. Time and time before we’ve seem him defer to Tsukishima and now he finally takes command.

He follows up with the fact that he’s going to watch both Tsukishima and Tsurumi to the very end [of this hunt for the gold].

Bam! Oh man, I have been waiting so long for Koito to take the initiative and use the potential leadership skills that he’s been keeping dormant. This is just such a satisfying page and turn of events.

The shock on Tsukishima’s face really brings it home. The little second lieutenant has finally grown up and he’s actually thought things through. I love the half light dark shading on Tsukishima’s face as he turns to look to Koito.

Furthermore, Koito uses Tsukishima’s own words to support his argument and where he stands in regards to Tsurumi. What has changed is that Koito will now be using his own judgement to analyze what Tsurumi is doing and not following orders blindly. I know this is a translation into english, but using the concept of justice gives Koito’s thought process more backing. He’s showing that he is a just and fair man, not someone who blindly follows orders and he is worried about how if he does something unjust he’ll have feelings of guilt and regret.

Therefore, Koito is letting us know how he intends to lead men, something he was sent to Karafuto to learn and I think he learned part of his beliefs during the Karafuto trip.

The next page is quite sad, Tsukishima admits that he has nothing to live for, so all he can do is his job - his job for Tsurumi that makes him unredeemable. He’s seen and caused so much death that Tsukishima doesn’t care anymore - he’s the empty shell of the man he once was and Koito tells him, his mentor that it isn’t true. Koito’s figured out that Tsukishima must have thrown away something so massive that becoming the inflexible right hand man of Tsurumi was all that he could do. Tsukishima is so many different emotions as Koito hits the nail on the head. His lips are puckered implying he’s biting them or holding something in as we can barely see his eyes.

Tsukishima finally shows us the face of his fiancee, smiling at him as her hair blows in the wind. He’s finally facing what he misses the most and his largest regret. He appears to tremble as he says Inkarmat’s name.

A completely broken and defeated [by himself] Tsukishima begins to ask her if “that girl is she. . .” and Inkarmat starts to move to give him an answer.

However, her fortune telling is interrupted by a contraction.

Tsukishima has given up - his barriers have been broken and he’s just a man who hurts and is in pain.

Osoma’s mom then is able to interrupt their conversation of sorts and orders all the boys to do her bidding to assist with the birth. The chapter then returns to Ainu culture 101, as elements of birthing are covered as they collect items that are used in childbirth. Koito, Tanigaki and Tsukishima are pretty much whipped into shape as they assist in all sorts of things, collecting straw, babysitting, collecting mugwort etc etc.

I personally saw this as a few pages of the tough men all being put in their place and dealing with the bigger picture - the fact that Inkarmat needs their help to give birth and that it is more important than any of their own self-imposed problems. I think the three of them standing outside of the house really get the point across. Tanigaki can’t look at either Koito and Tsukishima.

It really doesn’t matter since Tsukishima just had his own break down as he sits lost in his own thoughts while Koito stands firm with the lighting and viper’s child.

Inkarmat then safely delivers the child and the chapter ends. I think it really caps things off that the “miracle” of birth supersedes all of the shit these guys have been dealing with.

Chapter 232 continues where we left off with Inkarmat and Tanigaki. Of course now that Inkarmat has safely delivered their child, it is time for the - you guessed it - penis jokes!

Tanigaki gets all teary as he tells Inkarmat that she was great. His eyes are teary and sparkly as he thinks that the stump of the umbilical cord is a large penis - Tanigaki dick joke number 4,368 (ok, I jest). This then allows him to realize that he’s got a daughter as he becomes a complete teary mess.

His blushing and tears confuse me - I can’t tell if he is proud or disappointed of the fact that she’s well a girl. Sometimes, I just can’t get a handle on Noda’s sense of humor - but I think he’s disappointed . . . since the vast majority of east Asian men would want a son. But then Tanigaki isn’t 100% normal. I’m totally over contemplating this and I lack the cultural context to really get it.

Koito and Tsukishima confront the man from the 27th who was supposed to be watching out for Asirpa. Catching him re-handed and clearly hungover Koito is able to scare him into shape telling him to get his “shit together” and to report things are normal pretending like he’s doing the man a favor (and the dumb nobody interprets as such).

Osoma sees Tanigaki, seems surprised but then quickly returns to playing with another kid. She has moved on from her “crush” on him and Tanigaki seems a bit hurt as she moves along. Tanigaki needs to realize he doesn’t need a relationship with a child like Osoma, he’s got his own daughter now and Inkarmat to be with! Yeah dude, I get it, but time to be a real dad, not a fun uncle type.

At the same time Tsukishima asks Koito about his behaviour on Karafuto before they met up with Tsurumi again. Tsukishima asks him if he was “faking it” which Koito pretty much confirms with his statement that Tsukishima is “free to interpret it . . . - pausing - whichever way you like”.

As Koito says this we see another new facial expression from him, one of calm and again more maturity. Koito likely wasn’t comfortable or proud of what he did, but he was smart enough to know what to do - to con Tsukishima so to speak. Being a bit deceptive likely goes against Koito’s own feelings - I think it gets him closer to say someone like Ogata, a man who he always thought was running a long game con, but may feel a bit differently about him since Ogata told him the truth.

Koito then becomes more serious as he tells Tsukishima what he’s thinking. He doesn’t think that Tsurumi’s personal goals would be to sacrifice his men for his own wealth or power. He hints at the fact that Tsurumi would be motivated by a goal that is not so simple so to speak. He then asks Tsukishima it he has any idea - at first Tsukishima wonders if he lacks a “true goal” but then he realizes something.

As he has been Tsurumi’s right hand man, there is a flashback where he noticed that Tsurumi had someone’s finger bones when he’s been alone in his office.

He asks Koito if he’s seen the finger bones and Koito asks whose bones? Tsukishima then determines that maybe it is something else and he drops the idea.

As the topic drops off, Koito instead tries to cheer up Tsukishima and inspire him to follow him as a commanding officer. And that they should follow the more typical military mindset. Again the chapter returns to awkward Koito humor where he tries to modifiy his picture of Tsukishima with a half Koito face with Tsurumi to inspire Tsukishima.

With these post-birth events, I’ll now turn to this chapters title page here. This is a transition/summary title page. All the different groups are shown with their overall intentions. Tsukishima and Koito are looking for Asirpa for Tsurumi. Tanigaki and Inkarmat don’t have a direction implying they are leaving the immediate action. Sugimoto, Shiraishi and Asirpa are after the pirate, while even though Vasily in their group, he’s out for Ogata. Hijikata’s group is both looking for Asirpa and the Jack the ripper convict and Kikuta and Usami are also looking for him.

It is all one giant ball of confusion [cue love and rockets] but highlights so clearly that Vasily is not a part of team Sugimoto. I think Noda really wants to make it clear that Sugimoto’s game plan of the enemy of my enemy is my friend is likely going to backfire. Really he should just put out and ad “Russian snow leopard seeks Japanese lynx for kitty sniper games.”

The more I look at this page the more mis-matched teams I see, Kikuta and Usami has a fragile feel - likely more than just general dislike but true distrust. Ogata is back on team Hijikata but only out of convenience and the rest of his group is also a mess with Ariko caught between him and Tsurumi. Such a major theme of the groups in this manga is how so many aren’t actually good - they just serve a purpose for the short term but ultimately are playing different long games.

Now back to the chapter - 1 week later Tanigaki and Inkarmat leave the kotan with their daughter. Koito orders them to head south and to avoid running into any men from the 27th. Tanigaki is back to wearing Ainu garb to likely blend in and not draw as much attention back to traveling with Inkarmat.

As they are about to leave, Inkarmat offers to answer Tsukishima’s question about his fiancee, but now thinking more clearly he tells her that there is no need. All this tells us, the reader is that he’s come to some sort of peace and understanding with his actions. This is good, but we still don’t know what he has found his calm with in regards to his questions about her fate.

As they ride off after waving goodbye to Huci, Tanigaki very shakily says how he feels about Huci and his connection with her. That he was saved by her again and that he’s always receiving her help, but his statement implies that he thinks he has never helped her back.

Inkarmat looks up at him softly, she’s blushing a little and there is a sparkle in her eye as she seems to think about what he’s said. Does Inkarmat think that Tanigaki saved her? That he doesn’t see his actions when he does help others? That he’s too hung up on owing Huci? I think here we see that Inkarmat is the more mature one again and that she will likely support him despite the fact that he really likes to make a mess of things even though he thinks his intentions are the best. I wonder since Tanigaki is just such a manly man that Noda wants him to be juxtaposed with strong women? Just throwing that out there.

The action then shifts to Sapporo with Kikuta and Usami on the search for our Jack the ripper convict. It is clear there is tension between these two men as Kikuta tells Usami to not do anything rash and that it is their job to just scout out the killer. As he’s demonstrated that he’s a clever one, he immediately wants them to change clothes to blend in with the civilians as they suspect that Hijikata’s entire group will be there and it would not be a fight that they could win. The more I hear from Kikuta the more of a similar vibe he gives off like Ogata. He thinks things through and is not impulsive or emotional when it comes to performing his duty.

As Kikuta and Usami walk right by Kirawus and Kadokura, the unlucky former prison guard officer finds a small coin on the ground blocking him from Usami’s line of sight. Usami then wonders if he did hear Kadokura . . . . but immediately writes it off as Usami is certain that Kadokura died in Abashiri.

Kirawus then comments that it must be a lucky day for Kadokura which is actually the truth. We all know that if Usami actually spotted him he’d immediately go after him and try to kill him again.

This missed connection ups the tension that their small scouting party will indeed cross paths with Hijikata’s and the convict.

Not only that but it is clear that Ogata is thinking in a very similar fashion to that of Kikuta. Ogata knows that the killer will go to the red light district and the police will also be looking into the case. Add onto that the fact that soldiers from his former division would be also there for “fun” likely means Tsurumi isn’t far behind.

Ogata then asks Hijikata if “you guys” dress up as peddlers again. This is interesting since when Hijikata did dress like that, it was when Shiraishi was captured by the 27th and and when Kiro was in the group while he was with Sugimoto, Asirpa and Ushiyama. I get the feeling that Ogata is making it very clear that he is not a part of Hijikata’s group while also teasing him a bit.

I’m personally dying for more Ogata action in these recent chapters, but I have to just accept this page. At least it is a good bang for your buck page as Ogata says a lot in those 3 speech bubbles.

What will be interesting is the fact that Kikuta and Ogata are thinking the same thing - as we know that they were both “Russian” kidnappers for Tsurumi in 1902 and realize they need to look for the convict discreetly.

But what I really think is the most important is that Ogata is making it abundantly clear that he’s only doing what serves his goal currently and that he is doing his own thing and that he’s confident enough to flat out tell Hijikata. He’s not one of his underlings, he’s not afraid of him, that he’s got his own thing to do. He’s also likely even more suspicious of Ariko knowing him and how Tsurumi operates.

The action then jumps to Asirpa, Sugimoto and Shiraishi in the Sorachi river valley.

They are doing some recon trying to find any people looking for gold dust and with unusual tattoos. Shiraishi is looking at the viewer - or maybe Vasily? I do find it interesting that Vasily is not in the picture. Or interesting is not the right word - I think is is important that again he’s not a part of their group unless Shiraishi is relying information to him?

The random Ainu man confirms that such a man has been seen and Sugimoto has his immediate murder eyes/scarf combo. Meanwhile Asirpa looks on at him rather coldly.

Sugimoto is more than ready to skin Boutarou and I just get the feeling that she’s ready to accept it as part and parcel of working with Sugimoto. . . .

The next page is a full page of Boutarou riding a horse holding a revolver looking dashing and sexy. it is clear he’s going to be both a charming and formidable convict.

Yet, this information is not the man who is being discussed. Instead, we are back to the idea of a peddler - that sells candy in a town. The last two pages have a very bizarre looking peddler who says that he’s selling candy. He looks like he’s giving candy to a kid but instead give him coal. The man is wearing a toque, has braided hair and a cloth over his face has he is laughing at the disappointed boy.

He then leads the disappointed boy off into the woods away from the mining town telling him he knows things much better than candy. And the chapter ends with the creepy man in a toque leading the boy out of town. Yay! Now we have another creepy man who isn’t our Jack the ripper nor our sexy Boutarou the pirate! Where is this going?

Overall, the second half of this chapter is a catch up/set up chapter. We know were everyone is and where they are going and who is going to encounter who in a matter of time.

Here are the most important parts of these two chapters.

1.) Tanigaki and Inkamat are out of the game for the time being. Yes, they are running off into hiding and for the time being they are out of the hunt. I suspect they will get involved again but not in the immediate future. I still have a gut feeling that Ogata will have to save Tanigaki - likely from Tsurumi.

2.) Showdown in Sapporo. Usami’s eagerness will likely clash with some of Hijikata’s group. Ogata and Kikuta are calling the same shots - will they meet and talk vs just shoot at each other? I have a feeling that these two groups will shift in the quest for the serial killer.

3.) Pirate hunting and a crazy peddler. Sugimoto and Asirpa are closing in on Boutarou. Is he independent of the crazy peddler or are they related? We know that he has men working for him that are somewhere. I’d guess he would start to build his faction to get involved in the group. I suspect that Vasily will cause some sort of issues, he’s no closer to finding Ogata who is in Sapporo.

4.) Tsurumi’s true motivations are revealed. The finger bones pretty much are the dead giveaway for Tsurumi’s motivations. They are linked to the death of Fina and Olga when he was a spy in Russia. As soon as everyone saw the finger bones, pretty much everyone I know went back to chapter 179. After Tsurumi held Olga he wrapped and laid her on Fina, who is missing a right pinky finger. And he then burnt down the photo studio as he leads town.

What is more interesting is how Tsurumi feels about this. I see several different possibilities.

i.) Tsurumi is guilty that it is his fault, he sent them away but they came back worried about him.

ii.) Tsurumi blames Wilk, Kiro and Sofia for what happened even though he assisted them.

iii.) Tsurumi blames the much larger system - the imperial Japanese government and a likely person who sold out his cover (someone in the 1st?) and Tsarist Russia making the partisans due to their poor treatment of the ethnic minorities in the far east.

Or is it all of these? I think we will need to see a bit more of his actions to get a good idea of what is driving him at heart.

5.) Koito finally grows up as a leader. Koito handles the Tanigaki-Tsukishima situation excellently. I really liked this part, he’s showing that he is not just some blind follower of Tsurumi and as it has been implied is an intelligent guy who has his own moral compass. He’s taking the time to think critically of things. Really hoping for him to talk to Ogata again.

That’s all I have for now.

#golden kamuy #golden kamuy meta #sugimoto saichi #asirpa #Shiraishi Yoshitake #vasily #tsukishima hajime #koito otonoshin #tanigaki genjirou #inkarmat #huci #tsurumi tokushirou #Usami Tokishige #warrant officer kikuta #kadokura #kirawus #hijikata toshizo #ogata hyakunosuke

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goalcaufield · 5 years

Text

pink - spencer knight

requested: yes! // I need something to cheer me up so imagine lowkey dating spence buy you guys haven’t told your families yet (his mom knows somethings up though, the boy is clearly smitten). when he asks if you can come to the draft its obvs but she lets you think she’s convinced by the “just friends” story. But then later, after everything, you find time alone and you congratulate spencer on everything and you guys are kissing in some dark hallway only to be broken apart by his mom going “so just friends?”

words: 1916 but it feels like so much more jesus

“Are you ready?” You ask, poking your head out of the bathroom while you put your earrings on. Spencer stood in front of the mirror in the bedroom fixing his tie. You had to leave for Rogers Arena in about twenty minutes, so it was time to start wrapping everything up and start heading for the draft.

“Yeah, yeah, I think so,” Spencer says, and he turns to face you. His jaw immediately falls slack as his eyes rake up and down your body, taking in your attire for the night before they finally settle on your eyes. “Do you know how hard it’s gonna be for me to keep my hands to myself tonight?”

You can feel your cheeks flush, and you bite your lip to prevent a smile from breaking out on your face. You turn back into the bathroom so Spencer can’t see the lock on your face. “Contain yourself, Knight,” You tease, knowing you hadn’t told anyone about your relationship yet. You reach for the light pink lipstick Spencer adores on you and you apply it. He walks into the bathroom, his suit jacket on completing his outfit, and he stands behind you. “Can I help you?”

“You look beautiful, that’s all,” He smiles placing his hands on your hips, his eyes meeting yours in the mirror. You place the lipstick back down on the bathroom countertop and lean back into Spencer’s chest.

“To be fair, it’ll be hard for me to keep my hands to myself too,” You say and reach your hand up to cup his cheek before leaning up to press your lips to the underside of his jaw. Spencer breaths out a sigh of content. “I’m proud of you, Spence,” You murmur, and Spencer turns you around in his arms. He goes to lean down and kiss you, but his phone begins to ring causing him to draw away.

“It’s my mom,” He grumbles and answers the phone. You take this as your opportunity to go and get your shoes on; a pair of silver heels that go with your navy dress perfectly. They also gave you a few inches more, which was perfect with Spence being as tall as he is.

“You ready, gorgeous? Mom wants to head out now, they’re all in the lobby,” Spencer says walking into your bedroom. After insisting you two had to share a room - being “best friends” and all - Lilly insisted there at least be two beds in the room. Didn’t mean you had to use both, though.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” You give him a reassuring smile, grabbing both of his hands when he’s standing right in front of you. “What about you, goalie boy? You ready to find out what city is lucky enough to snag you?”

Spencer smiles widely. “As ready as I’ll ever be,” He echoes back to you, and he leans down to finally press his lips to yours. “I’m just glad I’ll have you by my side through it all.”

“Trust me, love, I’m not going anywhere,” Your thumb runs over his knuckles and you give him one last smile before releasing your hold on his hands. “Okay, let’s go before your family gets more suspicious than they already are.”

When you get to Rogers Arena there are people everywhere: boys your age talking amongst one another, professional looking men hurrying through the concourse, and families taking photos and conversing before having to head to their seats. Everything then begins to hit you right then and there. Spencer was finally getting drafted. Tonight was the night you two had waited two years for and it was finally here.

“Y/N, do you wanna sit with my parents, Hannah and Claire or do you wanna come with me to see the boys?” Spencer asks, and he doesn’t have to flat out ask you; you can see it in his eyes he’s begging for you to come with him.

“Yeah, sure,” You say, and you can see the soft little smirk Lilly is sending you that causes your cheeks to turn pink.

“Take care of her, Spencer, don’t let anything happen to her,” Lilly points at her eldest sternly, and Spencer smiles the million dollar smile that could melt any girl’s heart. Yours obviously included.

“Never let that happen,” He’s turned to look at you, but you’re facing straight forward, your eyes locked with Lilly’s. You’re biting your lip to prevent the smile, but that only eggs Spencer on as he scans over your blushing face. Part of him is wondering what he did to get the beautiful girl standing next to him - his best friend - and the other doesn’t want to question it at all and just accepts it gratefully. “Okay, let’s go,” Spencer’s hand on your back finally snaps you out of it, and the two of you are walking towards god knows where.

You end up meeting up with pretty much all the boys projected to go in the first round: Alex, Trevor, Cole, Bobby, Matt, and of course Jack. When the time finally comes, you wish all the boys good luck, and you’re heading towards where your seats for the night would be. With your hand clutched in Spencer’s, you can tell the nerves are really starting to get to him.

“Spence,” You say softly, and he glances over at you. “Love, I promise everything will be okay. You’ve proven yourself to the best of your ability and any team that passes up on you is so incredibly stupid it isn’t even funny. You’ve got this, love, and the team that drafts you has got the best one there is.”

You’ve stopped walking now. You’re standing in the middle of the concourse, Spencer’s face cupped in your hands forcing his blue eyes to look down into yours. His hands are squeezing your hips which finally settles the shakiness of his hands. “Have I ever told you how much I love you?”

Those three words still make your heart race. “Maybe once or twice,” You tease and lean up to press a kiss to his lips.

Back at your seats you’re sat the farthest away from Spencer on the other side of Hannah. Lilly and Chris are sat on either side of their son, which was expected. You weren’t thinking you’d be sitting next to him anyway; this was for his family, not you.

Finally, the draft goes underway. You’re sneaking glances at Spencer every now and then, mouthing ‘I love yous’, anything that could potentially calm his nerves.

Jack, like expected, goes first overall, and soon it seems like the teams have begun to realize how special the development program boys are, and they’re slowly getting picked off one by one. Jack goes to the Devils, Alex to the Kings, Trevor to the Ducks, Matthew to the Wild, Cam to the Flyers, and that’s when Florida finally takes the stage. Literally.

And that’s when it finally comes. “From the United States development program: Spencer Knight.” It’s like slow motion. You can barely even hear the words coming from the GM’s mouth, but along with all of the other Knights you rise at the sound of Spencer’s name.

Slowly, but surely, Spencer hugs his parents, then both his sisters, and then you. “I am so proud of you, Spencer Knight,” You whisper into his ear as you rest your head on his shoulder. His arms around you tighten around your waist.

“I love you,” He says quickly before he’s releasing you from his hold and whisked away down to the floor. Tears well up in your eyes watching your best friend and boyfriend finally live out his dream.

“Are you okay?” Lilly asks you, and you laugh quietly at yourself for the pathetic moment.

“Yeah, I just can’t believe it finally happened,” You laugh. “The past two years we’ve been waiting for this moment knowing it would come eventually, and now that it did, I have no words. It doesn’t feel real.”

You wipe away the tears that are falling from your eyes as Spencer crosses the stage, shaking hands with each member of the Florida Panthers management. He then finally gets back to center stage and slips the red and yellow sweater over his head, completing the look with the baseball cap.

Hannah grabs your hand. You know it’ll be tough for her big brother being gone all the time now, and you give her hand a reassuring squeeze. And then he’s gone, and going through post-draft protocol.

A few minutes pass, and you’re finally able to head backstage to see Spencer. It’s hard though; watching him get his photos taken in the new jersey and not the team USA or Boston College. Watching him do interviews knowing this is officially his team, and Sunrise, Florida will soon be his home. It’s all too bittersweet.

Finally, though, you’re all in the lounge room for families and their draftee son. Spencer hugs his family again, and then finally gets to you. This hug lasts so much more longer than the one back in the seats, his arms around you so much tighter as you rock back and forth.

“I’m so, so proud of you,” You whisper, squeezing your eyes shut to prevent yourself from crying again.

“You and me against the world, got that?” He asks, pulling back to look at your face. His thumbs wipe at the few tears that have made their way down your cheeks.

“Got it,” You smile to the best of your ability, your hands resting on top of his.

You end up with Jack, Alex, and Cole talking with them and Spencer about what the future brings. Jack hopes to make the Devils straight out of development camp, Cole wants to go to Wisconsin, Alex is gonna strive to make the Kings roster, and Spencer still wants to attend Boston College in the fall. That was your plan, after all. When the conversations start to die out is when Spencer grabs your hand as is tugging you out to the hallway.

“Spencer, what’re you-“ You begin to ask, but he’s quick to cut you off as he presses his lips to yours to shut you up.

“I’ve been waiting so long to do that,” He pulls away briefly to say, but his lips are right back on yours.

Your hands lock around the back of his neck, your fingers toying at the little hairs sticking out of the back of his hat. His hands are resting on your lower back, his lips moving harshly against yours.

And then you hear someone clear their throat.

Startled, you pull away from Spencer, and of course Lilly is standing right there, a smirk on her face. “So, ‘just friends?’” She asks, her arms crossing over her chest.

“Surprise?” Spencer chuckles, and Lilly can only give you two a smile.

“I had a feeling,” She teases, and you can’t help but smile at the boy towering over you. “But make sure you wipe that lipstick off, Spencer.”

You look at his lips, and sure enough your pink lipstick has transferred all over is own lips. You giggle and start to wipe at it.

“Don’t be out here for two long, okay?” Lilly sighs and the two of you nod. She heads back into the lounge, and Spencer waits until the door closes behind his mother to speak.

“Absolutely no promises,” He whispers before leaning back down to kiss you again.

#spencer knight #jack hughes #trevor zegras #nhl draft 2019 #nhl #hockey #nhl hockey #nhl imagine #hockey imagine

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mirkwoodshewolf · 5 years

Text

That would be enough; Old!Roger Taylor x reader

*Author’s note*

Alright in honor of yet another Queen member’s bday this month one week after his friend and brother Brian, HAPPY 70TH BIRTHDAY ROGER MEDDOWS TAYLOR!! From all of us to you we hope you have a great birthday and always keep rocking and being your awesome self. Now this is my first time ever writing a current Roger Taylor fanfic so I hope I get it right and I hope you all enjoy this. So not really any warnings except swearing and a tad bit of angst but it’s all FLUFFY FEELS in the end. Enjoy my lovelies :)

Queen Taglist:

@psychosupernatural

@plethora-of-things

@ixchel-9275

@geek-and-proud

@queendeakyy

@waddles03

@coolcxt

_________________________________________________________

It all began in the winter 2016 when we were asked to perform live at the Grammy’s. By we; I mean Adam Lambert, myself and Brian. We were on the stage to wait the arrival of another artist we would be performing along with for the award show. Apparently she’s a big name in America specifically on the Broadway spectrum. I would know because my daughters can’t stop listening to her recent musical she was in, “Hamilton.”

“Brian, Roger, Adam.” The producer called out to us. There walking beside him was a beautiful young woman around her early 30’s with (h/l) (h/c). But what struck out to me was her eyes, she had the same blue eyes as I did, in fact she almost resembled me to a degree. Hell looking back on all the times I dressed in drag, it was like looking at an exact copy. “I’d like the three of you to meet the performer you’ll be singing (y/n) (l/n).”

“Hello, I know you lot get told this a lot but—you guys were such an inspiration to me growing up. And Adam, you’ve got a range that I’ve never heard on any performer.”

“And what of you? Mrs. Eliza?” Adam vocalized which made her giggle.

“Hamilton fan I assume?”

“Girl are you kidding me? The second I heard about the album from a friend of mine I couldn’t stop listening to it. Your tickets are nearly impossible to get now.”

“I know. I never expected it to boom as it did. But as soon as Lin called me about the script and wanted me to be a part of it, I knew I had to get involved. It’s unlike any musical I’ve been in before.”

“I’ll admit my youngest daughter loves the show and couldn’t stop talking about it when we were in New York.” Brian spoke up.

“Oh wow I’m honored Mr. May.”

“Oh love, Mr. May was my father, please call me Brian.” The two shook hands with each other and she then turned to me. God she looked so familiar not just with my looks but she also had the looks of someone I once knew a long time ago.

“And the famous Roger Taylor. I must say it’s because of you I sought out the drums in my middle and high school band.” I snapped out of my daze and we shook hands with each other and said.

“I bet you were probably the best drummer there ever was.”

“Indeed, got my band to win Districts every year.” She said. “Would’ve gotten state champion my junior year of high school but unfortunately a few of the kids in the strings had to screw up the notes.”

“Been there before, mostly with this guy’s strings breaking.” I gestured toward Brian.

“Oh well forgive me but at least I wasn’t the one who forgot the lyrics to my own song.”

“I thought I told you to never mention that again!” I hissed leaving Adam and (y/n) to laugh.

“So shall we run some sound checks for a bit? I was told we’ll be performing after Pink.” (y/n) stated and we were all in agreement.

Throughout the day I couldn’t stop thinking about (y/n). Just the way she presented herself on stage just reminded me of someone but I just couldn’t figure it out. After rehearsal one before the Grammys would begin in just 4 days, I sat in my dressing room when Brian came in and asked me.

“What is it mate? You’ve been out of sorts all day, what’s going on?”

“Brian, did…..did (y/n) look familiar to you?”

“You mean besides the fact she’s a Broadway star?”

“Brian I’m serious there was just something about her that just…..seemed familiar. Like I’ve seen her before.”

“You’re probably just overthinking this Rog, come and have a drink with Adam, (y/n) and I tonight. Adam’s buying this time after all.” I nodded and followed Brian to meet (y/n) and Adam outside.

We managed to find a nice restaurant pub nearby and as we ate a well earned late supper, Brian asked (y/n).

“So (y/n). How did you get involved with Broadway?”

“Well….it’s because of my mom. She was in Broadway, hell it’s been a tradition in my mom’s family. She was just a dancer but she was one of the best dancers according to critics.” At hearing that I choked on my water.

“Roger!” Adam exclaimed.

“Roger you okay?” asked (y/n).

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine just….went down the wrong pipe. Excuse me for a minute.” I raced out of the pub and into the fresh air as suddenly it occurred to me.

“Roger, what’s going on with you?” I heard Brian say.

“It all makes sense now. I should’ve remembered the last name, how could I be such an idiot?” I muttered to myself.

“Roger what are you talking about?”

“Do you remember when we did our last American tour at the start of the 80’s. And we performed at Madison Square Garden.”

“Yeah, where are you going with this?”

“Do you remember that Broadway show we saw? Umm West Side story I think it was? And I actually managed to hook up with one of the dancers.”

“Yeah (m/n). I remember you were crazy about her before you met Dominque.”

“I—I think the reason why she broke up with me was—because she was pregnant.”

“Hold on Rog. This is a serious allegation. You don’t think that (y/n) is…..”

“At first I didn’t get it but the more I look at her the more I see it. Brian she has my eyes, she’s almost like a reflection of me but with her mum’s hair. Brian I—I really think she’s my daughter.”

“So what are you going to do? You know you can’t just spring this up on (y/n) like this so suddenly.”

“I know, I know. I’ll….I’ll try to get alone with her and somehow slowly ease her into a conversation about her mum. Maybe I could even try to get reconnected with (m/n). To at least tell me why she never told me she was pregnant.”

“Now just be sure if you do get her contact information you don’t go off yelling at her. I’m sure she had her reasons…..”

“Reasons my arse Brian she kept my daughter away from me! I never even knew my first child would be a girl and I’ve missed so much….”

“Umm guys?” We turned to see (y/n) standing there. “Is everything okay?”

“No, I mean yes. Everything is fine love.” I assured her. Her eyes gave off that same look her mum always made when she was concerned for my wellbeing. God she really was my daughter.

“Okay, it’s just that you both were gone for a while and I got a little worried.”

“Don’t worry love, we’ll be just another minute.” She nodded before heading back inside.

“Just think about it carefully Rog. She seems to not know herself, so just proceed with caution.” Brian warned me one last time.

A couple days went by and it was just one more day till the Grammys. I was now standing before (y/n)’s dressing room finally seeing a chance to talk to her in private. I slowly reached my hand for the door and softly knocked on it and her voice rang out.

‘If it’s Debbie from the article fuck off I’m not giving you any dirt on Lin!’ God she really is my daughter.

“No love it’s Roger.” The door opened and she peeked out and said.

“Oh god I am so sorry about that Rog. I didn’t mean to do that I—”

“I get it, if you thought the press were bad today you should’ve seen them back in my day. God they literally camped outside your houses at the time.”

“Jesus, oh where are my manners please come in.” she said as she fully opened the door and allowed me inside. I walked in and she closed her door and she said. “Can I get you anything? I’ve got water, champagne, some wine, beer.”

“I wouldn’t mind a beer.” I answered.

“Coming right up.” She went over to the minifridge and pulled out two bottles of beer and handed one over to me. “So did you need anything?”

“Oh I just—see I feel like we haven’t really gotten the chance to really connect like you and Adam have, hell you even managed to spend some time with Brian and not get bored with him.” We both chuckled and I continued, “Only if you wish to. I don’t want to make you comfortable.”

“No, no it’s fine. I mean truthfully the reason why I never got to talk with you much is because…..well I’ve always been starstruck with you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah I know. All my friends had told me that out of every Queen member they’d be starstruck to meet it’d be Freddie. God rest his soul. I really am sorry about his death. I was just 11 years old when I heard the news. God I was depressed for weeks on end, couldn’t even listen to his voice without crying.”

“Yeah it—it was hard on all of us. I was actually on my way to see him. And I was just 300 yards away when I got the call….” I stopped as I felt tears fill my eyes. Jesus retelling that day always makes me emotional.

“But he’d be proud of what you guys have done for the band. As well as everything else you all have accomplished. Even Deacy.” She said as she reached out and took my hand. I smiled and placed my hand on top of hers. It was then a picture caught my eye that stood on her makeup stand.

She turned around and smiled softly and said.

“That’s a picture of my mom and I at my first Broadway leading role. It was in Les Misérables when I got Fantine.” She reached over and grabbed it and handed it to me. I took the picture in my hand and everything I had thought was officially confirmed.

There standing next to (y/n) was indeed (m/n) (l/n), the Broadway dancer I once fell in love with during our tour of America. She looked older than I last saw her, her hair was now a pixie cut short but she was still as beautiful as I remembered her being.

“Do you—still see her? I know life of a performer is tough and time constricting.” I asked her.

“I—visit her whenever I can. Bring her, her favorite flowers.”

“White lilies with baby’s breath.” We both said at the same time. Oh bugger. “How did you know that?” she asked.

“She—she uhh….” C’mon Roger say something clever you old bastard! “She just looks like the type of woman who would love those flowers.” Oh please buy it please buy it please buy it.

“Okay.” She said a bit wearily. “Well anyways I try to see her whenever I can. But it just gets harder and harder to visit her each time.” Huh? What did she mean by that? Is she sick? Was she abusive to her? Oh please tell me it wasn’t the latter.

“Whys that? If you don’t mind me asking?” I asked her. She took back the picture from me and said.

“Well I’d like to clarify where she’s staying isn’t exactly a sunshiny place. It’s always hard to visit a cemetery.” What? Oh no.

“I’m so sorry dear. You don’t have to tell me the reason why…”

“No I feel like I should. After all you’re taking the time to getting to know me, might as well learn the whole package. Well this past year hasn’t been easy on me and my family. My mom was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. We—thought we’d have more time, but just as I was about to tell her that I got the leading lady role in Hamilton…..” she trailed off and clasped her hand over her mouth.

I did the only thing that I could think of. I wrapped my arms around her and lay her head on my shoulder.

“Tell me…..how do you make the pain go away?” she whimpered out. I squeezed her shoulder and rested my head on top of hers and answered her as honestly as I could.

“It’s hard, and it may never go away. But something that helps me cope with Freddie’s death is that I try to think of all the great times I had with him. I’ve been around the old bastard so much I know exactly what he would say to me if I allowed my grief to overcome me. He’d tell me; ‘oh stiff up a lip blondie! Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you tried your best and I know what you did. Now stop your whimpering you big softie’.” I soon heard a small laugh coming from her.

It was small but I at least got a smile from her, her mother’s smile just as I remembered it.

“Your mum knew you’d get the part, I’ll bet she had no doubt that you would. So I have a feeling she’d tell you to keep performing and don’t let her death stop you from your dreams.” I rubbed her arm comfortingly and kept her in my arms for a little bit longer until she finally calmed down. She separated herself from me and said.

“God I probably look like a mess right now.”

“Not at all.” I replied as I wiped a few tears stains from her face.

“Thank you Roger, I—haven’t been able to cry like that since the funeral.”

“I’m always here whenever you need to vent your grief. It’s not healthy to keep it inside, especially for a long period of time.” I said as I rubbed her back. She nodded and that’s when a knock was heard.

“Ms. (L/n), it’s time for final curtain rehearsal and discuss when you and Queen and Adam are going to perform.” One of the volunteers spoke out from the other side.

“Be right out just give me a few minutes.” She called back. “Well I better clean myself up.”

“I’ll leave you to it then.” I stood up and prepared to leave her dressing room when I was suddenly hugged from behind.

“Thank you again Roger, really. You don’t know how much it meant to me.” I heard her voice say into my shoulder. I smiled both with happiness but also grief as I turned and hugged her back.

“Anytime darling. Whenever you need to talk, I’ll be there.” She nodded then headed back over to her makeup chair and began cleaning herself up. I stood there and watched her for a few minutes, just seeing her mother in her and remembering all the times I spent backstage on her shows seeing her get ready.

Soon the big day arrived, the Grammy awards 2016. Brian, Adam and I were in our car being driven to the award show where we would walk the carpet and do a couple of interviews. Once we arrived, the crowd was already huge.

Hundreds of people screaming and cheering, hundreds of performers and nominees were strutting around getting their pictures taken. God what Fred would do if he were here right now, probably photobomb a few singers just to be cheeky. After getting a few pictures in, we were stopped for an interview.

Much of it I barely paid attention to, that was until a question regarding to (y/n) came up.

“So singing along with famed Broadway singer of the American musical Hamilton, what was that like for you? Is working with a Broadway star different than other singers?”

“Oh (y/n) was a huge joy to work with. She and I are practically best friends right now and promised me tickets to the next show.” Adam laughed. “No, no she’s an amazing performer and it’s no different than working with any other singer. Less drama of course but no she was wonderful to rehearse with and I can’t wait to perform live with her.”

“And Brian, Roger? Did you guys feel out of sorts working with her? Like did she feel lower to you cause she’s just a Broadway performer?” What kind of question is that?

“No, not at all. As Adam said she was wonderful to get to know. She’s definitely got some surprises in store for us tonight as she sings with us.” Brian answered.

“Yeah Broadway performers are no different than any other singer. It’s all about just mixing in the differences each performer’s got and she was a wonderful mix into this performance.” I replied without wanting to ring the interviewers neck speaking so lowly about Broadway performers.

After the interview I then saw (y/n) talking with a female interviewer. Wow and did she look beautiful. She wore a spaghetti strapped royal blue backless dress which had a small train at the bottom of it. Thinking it wouldn’t hurt to just go up and say a quick hello (after all I’ve seen actors and singers interrupt artists for a quick hello or greeting all the time).

“So yeah at first I was really nervous but then—Oh my god! Hey Rog!” She hugged me and I hugged her back saying.

“Hello love.”

“Also joining us is Queen’s drummer Roger Taylor, Roger how are you feeling?” the interviewer asked.

“Tired.” I answered which made us all laugh. “But also honored to be here, this is our first Grammy performance in like 20-30 years so it’ll be interesting to see how much has changed.”

“Don’t worry not a lot. I was just asking (y/n) how she felt singing with Queen and Adam.”

“Well I can tell you it’s been an honor to perform alongside a talented young woman like (y/n). She’s been an absolute pleasure to sing with and I can see why so many people love her in Hamilton.”

“Oh Rog stop you’re making me blush.” (y/n) groaned out as she tried to hide her face.

“Well I won’t keep you guys any longer. Good luck tonight and we’ll all be cheering for you.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank you so much.”

“No thank you. Cheers you two.”

“Bye.” We both walked away and as the press continued to holler and command more photos I said to (y/n).

“You look beautiful love.”

“Thanks, and you pretty handsome yourself.”

“Once a long time ago.” I stated.

“Hey now don’t say that.” She said as she playfully shoved me.

“Well then, shall I have the honor of escorting you inside milady?”

“Why of course you may.” She said in probably the most exaggerated British accent I had ever heard but I let it slide. I hooked my arm out and she wrapped her arm around mine and the two of us walked inside.

“Well I’ll see you soon up on stage. My assigned seating is with my cast members since Hamilton is up for best musical album.” She said.

“Will do love, and good luck. I have a feeling you guys will win so many awards.” I told her. She kissed my cheek and then headed out to meet with some of her cast members who were already there. Seeing her with all her friends made me feel warm hearted.

“So you still gonna tell her after the show?” I heard Brian’s voice say.

“If I don’t I may never get a second chance. But there’s also something in me to not tell her. I mean what will she think of me when I do tell her?”

“I wish I could tell you what to do Rog, but only you can make that call. But whatever you choose, just make sure you don’t regret it.” It was decided.

As the show went on, (y/n)’s first performance would be with her cast members singing the opening number of Hamilton. And hearing the song with my own ears, I was mesmerized, especially when she got to stand center stage singing the story of Alexander and his mother’s life after the father split.

Much like Queen, every voice blended so well together. Even though there were so many of them, I could easily pick out each voice individually and hear it and their harmonizing just sent shivers up my spine. By the end of the song, the audience roared in applause that I only heard in our concerts, but of course I was probably the loudest cheering for my girl.

As the show continued, we were now preparing to do our number. I saw (y/n) take her spot by the piano and I walked up to her and said.

“You’re gonna do great love.”

“I know, I’m just nervous that I’ll mess up a key or note and end up messing you all up.”

“Don’t worry love, you’ll do great. I have faith in you.” I assured her as I placed my hand on her shoulder giving her a gentle squeeze.

“How do you always know what to say Roger Taylor?” she asked as he placed her hand on top of mine.

“It comes with being old.” I teased which made us laugh.

“Okay boys, Miss, we’ll be live in 2 minutes.” Said one of the producers.

“Well better get back up there.” I gestured towards my drum set. She nodded and I walked away from the piano and sat down at my drum set twirling my drumstick in hand getting my head in the game.

“Welcome back to the 58th Grammy awards. And now for the long awaited performance of a lifetime. These guys have been kick butt in the music industry for years selling off millions of records since the 1970’s and joining them the runner up of American Idol as well as the leading lady of Hamilton. Here is (Y/n) (l/n), Queen and Adam Lambert.” The audience cheered and soon (y/n) began playing the piano as Adam began to sing “Don’t stop me now”.

Adam took the first verse of the song and as the song picked up Brian and I joined in with (y/n)’s piano playing as well as the bass player who was up on stage with us. Lights flashing and Adam’s vice echoing through the speakers as he led the crowd in his own fashion.

By the second verse, the spotlight came onto (y/n) who kept playing the piano and I could hear the cast of Hamilton cheering for her. Along with that soft soprano voice she used for her role as Eliza, for this song she unleashed such a raw, rock and roll alto range. It was almost like if you could convert my rang into a woman’s voice, that’s (y/n).

Also people suspect that most Broadway stars just sing and dance, well not this girl. She’s told us that her mum taught her how to do the piano and guitar so she truly is a triple threat.

Along with playing and singing backup vocals on my cue, I couldn’t help but watch my daughter perform as at the instrumental break, her and Adam now stood side by side together and side stepped with each other like they practiced during rehearsal, she was a born performer. Whether Broadway or Rockstar, she was mine and her mother mixed together.

And that was enough for me to love her even more.

By the end of our piece, the audience was in a stadium sized cheer as we all came together at center stage, (y/n) standing between Adam and I as we waved of saluted to the audience in thanks.

More awards were given and soon it came time for award for ‘Best Musical theater album.’ An announcer read up all the musicals up for the award; Hamilton, An American in Paris, Fun Home, The King and I, and Something Rotten!

“And the winner of the best musical album goes to…..” all was silent and even I was tensed up with anxiety as I just wanted to race up there and rip the envelope myself. I could do it much faster than this guy. Finally it was open and he smiled and exclaimed into the microphone, “HAMILTON!!” I cheered out as loud as I could and whistled just as loud.

I could see (y/n) hugging her cast mates and everyone involved with the musical raced down the runway and up the stage as the audience roared with applause as the score of the opening number was playing and on the screen showed some shots of some of the actors in costume, including (y/n).

I wiped away the tears in my eyes as I kept cheering for (y/n). She may think that no parent was there to see her get this award, but in truth she did have a father who was so proud of her and I just know (m/n) is cheering and crying in heaven.

Once the award show was finally over, I could see the entire cast of Hamilton all outside in a group huddle cheering and crying out as some of them including my girl holding a Grammy trophy. Everyone was talking over each other in pure excitement that was until Lin’s proclaimed.

“Okay Hamilton cast, first round of drinks are on me tonight!” Everyone cheered and they all walked on ahead, that was until (y/n) spotted me. She smiled and ran towards me and tackled me in a hug.

“Ohh I’m so happy you got to see it happen!” she exclaimed.

“Congratulations love. You and your castmates deserved to win.”

“Why don’t you come celebrate with us?” she offered.

“Oh no, no. You wouldn’t want an old grizzly man to cramp your style dear.”

“Hey what did I just tell you earlier?” she mocked.

“Besides; Brian, Adam and I need to be on the next flight out of here back to London to start planning our European tour.”

“So—this is it?” she asked sadly. “Wow it…..it feels like this has all ended too fast.”

“I know what you mean. But you still got so many more awards to win love, you should be focused and celebrating every chance you get. Especially since rumor has it you’re up for a Tony award.”

“Yeah, never did I think I would ever get nominated for one. It’ll be my first nomination.”

“And I pray that they’ll call you Tony Award winner (y/n) (l/n) after you win it.” I said as I cupped her face and stroked her cheek.

“Thank you for everything Roger. And it was an honor to play alongside you. Give my love to Brian and Adam for me will you?”

“Of course.” We both kissed each other’s cheek and she went on ahead.

“Oh hey, next time you three are in New York, come see us. I can have security let you in backstage before and after the show!”

“We’ll take you up on that offer.” C’mon you old fool she’s walking away. You’ve got to tell her now. Do it! Do it! “(Y/n) wait!” she stopped and turned back around.

“Yeah Rog?” I walked up towards her and nervously stammered out.

“I—I uhh….Can we…..can we talk for a minute before you go? Privately.”

“Sure Rog, let me just text Leslie since he’s my ride to the bar.” She quickly sent a text to Leslie and once she saw the reply she said, “Okay he’s gonna wait for me in the parking garage and let the others know to wait for us. Where do you want to talk?”

“Mind if we go to my dressing room?” she shook her head and we both walked along to where Brian and I shared a dressing room before the performance. Once we got in she immediately set herself down on the couch and took off her heels.

“God even though I wear heels every night on stage, I still don’t get used to stilettos. Whoever invented those heel brands must’ve had no skin whatsoever.”

“Yeah, they are a real pain in the arse.” I told her.

“So what do you want to talk about Roger?” she asked.

Here it was, the moment of truth. It was either say it now or let it blow up in your face.

“You—you remember how I knew your mother’s favorite flowers?”

“Yeah.” She said wearily.

“Well, I was completely honest with you (y/n).”

“What are you talking about?”

“I—I knew your mother.” I saw her eyes slowly widen as she just stared at me.

“You knew my mother?”

“Yes. I first met her back in 1980. It was after a Madison Square Garden show, Freddie, John and I went to go see West Side Story at the time, and when I saw your mother on stage…..it was like I was looking at a true dancer on the stage. She outshined everyone.”

“Yeah she was known for that.” (y/n) reminisced.

“After the show I went up and talked to her. Of course she was feisty but I couldn’t help myself. I was drawn to her, and soon we eventually became friends. Very good friends.”

“But…..if you guys were so close, how come she never spoke to me about you?” I took a deep breath and slowly exhaled and I said.

“I’m sorry I have to tell you this, and you may hate me after I tell you. Maybe even think I’m a horrible person but I swear I didn’t know.”

“Didn’t know what? Roger please you’re scaring me. Just tell me what this is all about?” I looked down at my feet for god knows how long before I finally looked up at her and told her straight up.

“I’m your father.”

All was silent as her face slowly turned from shock to absolute horror.

“At first I didn’t know when we first met. But there was something about you that just seemed familiar. Then the dinner when you said your mum was a Broadway dancer it got me freaked out thinking that it wasn’t possible, but then seeing a picture of your mum it only confirmed everything. I didn’t know she was pregnant I woke up one morning and she was just gone leaving a note telling me she was sorry. I don’t mean to spring this on you at once but I—”

“Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.” She muttered in haste as she held out her hand.

“(Y/n) I’m sorry I just……”

“Stay away from me.” She sneered.

“(Y/n) please I swear I…..” but she kept interrupting me as I kept trying to explain myself as gently as I could. She kept muttering to herself till suddenly I felt this sharp pain across my face and I found myself down on the ground.

“Just stay away from me! You’re a crazy, senile old man. Just stay away from me or I’ll call the police!” she then raced out of the dressing room, but I could hear the sounds of her crying echoing through the hallway as she ran.

I blew it. Now that all was said and done, I blew it. She knew the truth and seeing her so upset just broke my heart. I didn’t mean to confuse her or make her mad I just—maybe I was being selfish.

It had been about four months since the Grammy’s and ever since I told (y/n) the truth, I just couldn’t think right. Even during rehearsals with Brian and Adam my head just wasn’t in the game as it usually was and they could tell but they didn’t push. Can’t say the same for the managers as well as the touring manager since we needed to prepare for our next upcoming tour.

“Roger?” I heard my wife Sarina call out to me.

“Please love I….I need a moment to myself.”

“Rog, I think you should really come to the living room. Someone came all this way to see you, and it’d be rude to just toss her out into the London streets.” I looked up at her and asked.

“Who is it?” she gestured with her finger to follow her. We walked out of my basement studio and came to the living room to see Tiger Lilly, Rory, and Lola sitting with (y/n).

I couldn’t believe it, all my girls together and talking with each other.

“I—hope I’m not intruding or anything.” (y/n) answered nervously as she fiddled with her fingers.

“No not at all.” I replied.

“Girls why don’t we give them some privacy?” Sarina suggested and soon my three girls left us to chat.

“Didn’t feel the need to tell them quite yet.” She replied softly.

“Although I bet Tiger and Lola would flip knowing that Elizabeth Schuyler is their sister.” She softly smiled and then looked up at me.

“I—I made some calls to my uncle Bobby and aunt Jodie, my mom’s siblings and told them if they knew. And—turns out you weren’t some crazy old man. Apparently when my mom found out she was pregnant with me, she didn’t want to tell you. She claimed that Queen was finally getting the recognition that you guys deserved and she knew you weren’t the type to settle down. She thought you’d leave her or ask her to abort me. So she just decided to pack up her stuff and moved back to the states and never wanted to contact you again.”

“What?” I muttered in shock.

“That’s what my aunt and uncle said. And now that I think back, she always did step out of the room and never spoke when I would play a Queen record or when one of your songs came on the radio. She never said she hated you guys, just—couldn’t listen to your songs. And apparently she knew when it was a song written by you.” I smiled sadly and stated.

“(Y/n) I—I never wanted to confuse or hurt you.”

“I know you didn’t. I shouldn’t have acted like that.”

“No you had every right to act the way you did. I know I would.” I said as I sat in front of her. Hesitantly I reached out and cupped her face in my hands and lifted her head up so that I could look into the blue eyes she inherited from me. “Listen (y/n); I have missed so much in your life. Your first steps, first word, the first show you got casted in, every important thing in your life. And I can understand if you don’t want me to be a part of it now. After all you’ve become successful on your own and have grown into such a beautiful young woman.”

“It was hard believe me.” She choked out.

“But you made it. Look at you now. And your mum would be so proud of you.” I saw tears drip down her face and she nodded.

“It’ll be hard, after all I never knew I had a dad. So I assumed it was just my mom and me, it’ll take some time to get used to having a dad but—will you be a part of my narrative?” I only smiled and quoted her character’s famed quote.

“That would be enough, love.” We immediately held each other. I felt her bury her face into chest and I buried my face into her hair inhaling her scent. I held her as tight as I could and couldn’t stop the tears falling down my face.

God I can’t believe this. I had another baby girl, and at last I finally got the chance to hold her in my arms. My eyes, attitude and looks along with her mother’s as well as her mother’s hair, we made a perfect Broadway angel.

About a week later it was the premiere of the London production of Hamilton. As a first success, the American cast came to kick off the show and then auditions would begin here in London. With the help of (y/n), she gave all of us tickets and the best seats for the show. Not just my family but Brian’s as well as Adam and his parents. And seeing my angel in her element on stage in full costume and makeup, she reminded me of her mother but also had the front lady essence that Fred once had.

But the number that got me the most was the number ‘That would be enough’ when Eliza confirmed to Hamilton of her pregnancy after he was forced to be sent home from the war. The lyrics hit me so hard and the chemistry between my daughter and Lin-Manuel Miranda made me think of me and (m/n).

I also saw how on certain parts of the lyrics especially towards the end of the song, I saw how she would look right at me. The way she evoked raw emotion and even allowed tears to fall down her face just shot some serious feels (at least I think that’s how Lola says people call it now) right in the heart.

I was proud of my Broadway baby, I’m glad that now we can be apart of each other’s lives now. And that was enough.

#bohemian rhapsody #bohemian rhapsody imagines #bohemian rhapsody movie #bohemian rhapsody imagine #bohemian rhapsody x reader #roger taylor #roger taylor imagine #roger taylor x reader #old!roger taylor x reader #roger taylor fluff #current!roger taylor #queen #queen fandom #queen fanfiction #queen fanfic #old!roger taylor #brian may

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punninglyswift · 5 years

Text

I could stay.

Every album has come at the perfect time in my life when I needed it most and because of that the albums make me remember those times, maybe just in flashes, but even if it’s a not so great flashback, I look back on it with happiness and that I genuinely believe is thanks to you, @taylorswift

Since I was a sophomore in high school when Red came out I think I really can explain what I said above for the past 3 albums more clearly...but it goes for debut through Speak Now as well. Let’s do each album, shall we?

Taylor Swift - the album had been released a bit by the time I heard songs from it. I was performing in my school’s talent show and this meant 2 performances because my very catholic elementary school made us audition to see if what we were doing was appropriate and to plan out the order I guess. I was playing classical piano, which I’ve done since I was 3. There was a girl named Carly who was 2 years older than me and she was auditioning with a song I’d never heard. It was called Our Song and it was catchy as HELL. (My fifth grade self knew what was UP) She sounded great too, so she got into the talent show but rumor had it they didn’t want the word “kiss” in a song that was to be performed (remember the “very catholic” part? Yup.) - so I heard another catchy as hell song but this time it was one where my mind AND my heart went, “wow....that’s how I feel about life” and it’s still accurate to the way I feel about that PERFECT song today: that song was A Place in this World. I was going into middle school. Middle school, high school...we can all agree we see their problems...bullying is unfortunately real. With your self titled debut album I finally had songs I discovered on my own, nothing against the music my brothers always played for me (Coldplay, Green Day, the Foo Fighters, The Lonely Island - yes I’m on a BOAT, motherf****** I’m sorry I get really into it) - I had anthems thanks to you, I also thought HARD about love cause even at that age I crushed on guys a lot but all in my head because boys are weird. Still are. Onto Fearless....

Fearless. Soon after the talent show, I mean a year or two, my mom got me Fearless after a piano jury. I flipped through the lyric booklet. It was like reading a prize winning book. (Ayyy Grammys foreshadowing) and the SONGS...I was in middle school. 7th grade I believe...and guys would play stupid but hurtful pranks on me and I had a great group of friends but the hurt definitely got to me...but I had an album telling me that yeah sure- “they might be bigger, but we’re faster and never scared..you can walk away, say we don’t need this; but something in your eyes says we can beat this”. I had an album that gave me a song my mom and i smile so big during cause without my mom and without our little mom & daughter trips downtown (dc) or to New York in the holidays, or just taking a walk or browsing in random stores, I don’t know where I’d be but I know my happiness wouldn’t exist. I again had anthems as well as slower songs that taught me about love. And little did I know Fifteen would be THAT song I needed for the high school journey that was growing closer and closer.

Speak Now. That powerful fairytale of an album written entirely only by you, Taylor. I was about to enter high school - an all girls high school. Also around this time I started watching SNL every week thanks to your time as host AND musical guest during the Fearless era and watching that show is a favorite Saturday night activity now. I used to (i still kinda do this) have to convince myself whatever feelings i felt re: mainly crushes were valid instead of just thinking they were. I always thought I was being irrational. I’d think up scenarios in my mind of spilling the feelings and having it go perfectly. Those scenarios never happened in real life. I guess I told myself I wasn’t good enough for whoever I liked to like me back. Unfortunately that mindset still exists...I tend to go, well this kind of guy would never...and it hurts. And I’m hurting myself by doing that. So Speak Now was the epitome of you, Taylor, being the person who can perfectly illustrate whatever feelings we all have, but using your own examples. I’d need TED talks on feelings and owning your heart and Speak Now was that 24/7 TED talk. Especially with Enchanted. “The words I held back” there are so many words I want to say to honestly every guy I’ve had an actual crush on. (I specify “actual” because one of the first crushes I had turned out to be a douchebag! Fun!!!) and then again with Mean, that helped me and still does when I encounter bullies. I encountered bullies (and cyberbullies! FUN!!) in middle & high school a LOT. But I did grow to be “big enough so they can’t hit me” - I’m still quite short, but you get my point. And Never Grow Up was again a reality check for me growing up, and the lyrics were so real that sometimes I couldn’t listen to it when it came on shuffle or on the CD because sometimes you can’t deal with that reality. But it’s a favorite song and I’m forever grateful it exists. Long Live is the song that is a full on letter to the friends and family members who have helped me grow and become who I am and weren’t temporary and didn’t make me feel bad about myself. They all have crowns in my opinion. (Lover - Out August 23) Speak Now was also the first TOUR of yours I attended and I remember being speechless seeing you rise out of the stage. And hearing your voice telling me “I don’t think you should wait, I think you should speak Now” - truly those words are the reason I have in the past several years told guys how I’ve felt. It’s never worked out but telling them lifted weights off my shoulders and it’s never been a negative experience. Seeing that tour live in all its theatrical, magical goodness made me the happiest person ever.

Red. I have a weirdly clear memory of driving to target with a friend after school let out in 2012 to buy a copy of Red before rehearsals started for Hairspray, the show we were doing that fall. I didn’t have a way to listen to it at school yet so I just kinda held it and stared at it. True story. To me, Red was the Speak Now that dealt with bullies and was better for it and came out stronger than ever. Red again was like wow does Taylor know exactly what I’m feeling? It wasn’t even a QUESTION. I Almost Do - again with the speaking now. And the line in Treacherous - “I can’t decide if it’s a choice, getting swept away” is everything I feel all the time SWEPT into a BEAUTIFUL SENTENCE. And with your words since the very first album I’ve felt like wow she seems like my best friend. And it’s beautiful.

1989. While it goes for every album, this was the first time I remember having a lightbulb moment of holy crap I needed this album at this moment as a 17 year old driving to college with my mom. At least..i heard Shake It Off while attempting to listen to the livestream on my phone. That’s kinda what college is, or what it can be - shaking it off, a new you but the same you. Literally though - you shaped that beautiful album around finding yourself when you didn’t have to necessarily in love in a big city. My city was Chicago, but the sentiments are the same. (Go ramblers!!!) It was tough, adapting to a big school and making all new friends - and I didn’t really have an actual group of friends until sophomore year. Now I can’t get rid of them and that’s the best thing, I love em with my whole heart. 1989 still helped me be like oh these feelings are valid, and like “god I’ve felt that way more than once...thank goodness for Taylor” - referencing specifically I Wish You Would - cause I didn’t have in depth conversations about anything like that with anyone. 1989 gave me dancy, positive, self confident vibes and I rode that positivity train through college.

reputation. Speaking of riding a positivity train through college...there were low points along that journey. reputation came in 2017, during my senior year of college. Going out into the “real world”. The year before was 2016 - a year that gave me unforgettable study abroad experiences and honestly helped me grow so much in happiness and in general - I actually spent that summer canvassing and phone banking for Hillary Clinton, I was so fired up. That fire went out for a brief, heartbreaking moment in November 2016. I cried all night, and then each night after that for 3 days; sometimes calling my mom and grandma, sometimes just remembering how hopeful I was. And how far it felt like we had to go. The fire came back, and I was angry but empowered. Cue senior year. I was taking all the classes I loved and writing kickass papers about political violence as well as the amazing book Gabriel by Georges Sand which challenges gender norms, and I felt ready but also not ready for whatever was next after graduation come May 2018. November 2017, réputation came into our lives. Like 1989, it was a well rounded story I needed to propel me through whatever came next, but different...I knew I needed to have more of a “take no shit” attitude and rep really helped me with that. Hell, I definitely credit listening to I Did Something Bad on my way to a morning class with helping me be brave enough to raise my hand because I KNEW what I had to say and I KNEW it was good enough and I just HAD TO be BRAVE enough to say it. “I’m doing better than I ever was...” = same way I felt and honestly that’s in a large part thanks to you.

So now I’m not in school anymore, I graduated in May 2018, and I’m still trying to find a place in this world. I live with some of my best friends in Chicago, I’m trying to work on a campaign soon, currently working retail at a crafty store, and when I don’t think I’m going anywhere I remember that I have to own who I am and embrace my creativity and my passions - and take the occasional break to help plan my friend’s 23rd birthday party which has themed everything so gotta get to work on that. And Lover? There’s NO doubt in my mind it will be any different in terms of coming at the perfect time in my life. And I know this: it’ll be magical. Thank you Taylor. Sorry this is an actual essay, I love you always.

- Isabelle

@taylorswift

#lover #the archer #you need to calm down #1989 #taylor swift #fearless #reputation #speak now #red

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tbr-agency · 4 years

Text

happily.

summary ⟶ Bambam was there for Nara when she was having a little breakdown through a video call. But what happens when Bambam was really there for her, appearing out of nowhere at a park, sitting beside her?

timeline ⟶ September 2019

characters : The Bloody Roses, The Bangs, Bambam (Got7)

❝ You look like you are going on a date , ❞

"This is ridiculous,"

"At least your parents are aware of this."

"My parents are aware of this because they were the ones who asked me to!" complained Nara, earning a few waves of laughter from the other girls.

"But seriously though, I love your parents. At least they agreed to your rejection of the proposal rather than forcing or leading you into it," said Eunhee as she was helping the younger one putting make-up on her.

"I know, I love them too but, the things they asked me to do is insane,"

"I know Nara-ah. But hearing from your parents 'explanation, the guys' parents were hard-headed and they insist on wanting to meet you despite your parents saying you were giving a negative reaction, my baby," explained Haejin as she was leaning against the door of Nara and Hyunji's room.

"So, the only way to make them believe that you weren't a fan of an arranged marriage is - to see your real reaction," added Hyunji as she was laying on her own bed, looking at her room-mate being dolled up .

Eunhee's hand grabbed onto Nara's arm as she was about to grab a few lip piercing studs.

"Don't tell me you are going to wear piercings with a dress?" mumbled Eunhee, looking at the younger one in disbelief. Nara smirked as she proceeded on wearing the studs.

"They will love me even more," winked Nara as she stood up, hugging Eunhee.

"I can't believe you wasted your skills for this stupid fake date. This should be used for the real date." Nara pointed towards her own dolled-up face, earning a few giggles from the older girls.

"A real date with Bambam?" teased Hyunji at the back and within a second, Nara threw the nearest item towards Hyunji as the younger one swiftly dodge the makeup brush.

"Update us on what happened!" yelled Hyunji as she hugged Haejin quickly before exiting the room.

"Roger that!"

"Something must be important if you are calling me," teased Bambam as he answered a video call from his personal bodyguard.

Out of all the others, both Bambam and Nara feel like they genuinely can report to each other, hence they get close to each other within a span of a week with constant random 1 AM texts and random hangouts together as friends.

Nara smiled a little as she placed her phone near the steering of her car. Bambam's eyes grew wide as he clearly saw that Nara was wearing something unusual out of her everyday outfits.

"You look like you are going on a date," added Bambam as he secretly tried to stop himself from having weird thoughts - weird thoughts like how beautiful she is.

But that slowly fades as soon as he sees her reaction.

"Wait, are you seriously going on a date?" questioned Bambam and his face literally fell, at the same time his heart slowly shattered.

He was too late.

Nara sighs as she leans back on the driver seat.

"That's the reason why I'm calling you. I need someone to talk to," mumbled Naraas her eyes were downcast, trying not to cry.

Yes, her parents were very supportive of her decision but at the same time, the thought of them changing their minds, and having the same situation as Eunhee already makes her in tears.

She really loves her parents so much and she doesn't want this situation to affect her relationship with her family.

"Hey, hey, hey. Everything's going to be okay, Nara. You told me your parents were the ones who set this prank up so that the assholes family would drop the arranged marriage topic just by seeing your reaction right?"

"Yeah," By this time, Nara was already shedding a few tears as she quickly looked down, finally realizing that she never cried in front of anyone, but this time, there was someone who witnessed her cry.

"So chin up and don't cry. Your makeup will be ruined and trust me crying with a mascara on is not a pretty sight - maybe the assholes family will think it's pretty. A new makeup look you know," joked Bambam, earning a chuckle from Nara as she gently dabs her tears.

Bambam finally smiled, seeing her smile appearing on her face. He just wished that he was there by her side, just like how she was always there by his side through the difficult and tough times.

"Thanks, Bambam. I feel much better," Nara looked at the screen with a huge smile, seeing him chuckling, and that's when they were silently staring at each other for a minute.

There were unexplained words they wanted to say, but Nara's eyes suddenly turned towards the notification she received.

Junsung Oppa ♡ - ‘Sis, they are about to arrive soon. Where are you?’

"You have to go, don't you?" questioned Bambam and Nara's eyes quickly turned towards the screen with a smile.

"Yeah, I got to go ... Although I don't want to,"

"You'll be fine Nara! I promise! Just enjoy the free food and wine!" exclaimed Bambam as he was trying to sound happy and energetic but on the inside, he was shattering into pieces.

With a scoff, Nara grabbed her purse before turning towards the screen.

"I'll call you again after this nightmare ends,"

"I will be waiting then. Have fun, Nara." said Bambam and weirdly, Nara could hear how sad he sounded - or maybe it was just her.

"You too, take care Bambam." mumbled Nara with a smile before ending the video call.

Bambam sat there, staring at the screen as he gulped down the lump of his throat, trying his best not to shed any tears - just like how he told her not to.

Now, he was just hoping that his own nightmare won't turn into reality.

Nara's eyes were always onto her parents whenever anyone was talking, even the asshole himself.

She could remember her first impression of him, and the way her older brother described him was exactly the same.

He was indeed good-looking for a CIA officer but sadly, no matter how good looking he is, her heart wasn't beating as fast as how Bambam made hers.

She couldn't lie to herself nor to the other girls anymore.

She really likes Bambam. It was wrong to think of Bambam in front of her date - but she really can't lie or put at an act anymore.

Nara glanced towards her parents who were somehow trying to avoid the engagement or marriage questions, so far they were talking about work-related.

She slightly turned towards her older brother, seeing him trying not to dress up nicely - since he has a high taste of fashion - just for the sake of her.

So far, he was also trying to avoid the conversation of her sister getting engaged or married.

This was the last chance.

"Everyone, I'm so sorry but I have to be honest," voiced out Nara as she felt all eyes on the table on her. There was a small smile on her mother's face.

"Firstly, Mom, Dad, Oppa, I love you guys so much, and lastly, I'm so sorry Mr. and Mrs. Park, and of course to you, Jinho." Nara apologizes politely as she slowly puts the handkerchief on the table.

"Don't get me wrong. You are really good looking, Jinho. You really are, but - I don't think I can accept the marriage proposal. Please don't feel hatred for my parents because it's not their fault, you can hate me instead actually. I was the one who was against the idea. " Nara tried her best to explain nicely and politely, as she watched their reaction who looked like the world was falling apart.

"I'm sorry-

"No, it's okay, Nara. Really. It's true what my colleagues had said about you. You are one of a kind and the nicest person out of the other girls I've met. Thank you for being honest with me and not to lead things on, "explained Jinho with a small smile - a masked smile.

Nara cursed at herself that her interrogation instinct had to be used here, because the good-looking guy had started to tear up, but she knew that he was trying to hold onto himself, which didn't make her feel any better.

Coincidentally, her phone was buzzing repeatedly.

"Thank you, and I'm so sorry, Jinho - Apparently, I have to go too. There was a last-minute meeting and my boss is going to kill me - thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Park, for dinner! " Nara quickly stood up as she grabbed her purse, leaving without looking back at them.

It's either she would get a lecture from her parents or words from what Jinho's parents have said about her.

"Nara! I hope we are still friends!" Jinho called out, as he waved and Nara smiled waving towards him.

"We are!"

As soon as she got out of the restaurant, she turned to a corner, as she finally let out a sigh of relief seeing a familiar river.

She closed her eyes, still remembering how Jinho looked when she rejected him. Realizing where she was standing, Nara went towards the nearest bench as she finally sighs in relief.

At the same time, she remembered how she was thinking of Bambam even though Jinho was right in front of her.

"Oh god," mumbled Nara as she realized what she had done. She just confessed to herself that she likes Bambam.

"This is impossible,"

"What is impossible?"

A voice made Nara gasp as she turned towards where the voice came from, to see Bambam wearing a mask and his casual clothes, the exact clothes that he was wearing when they were in a video call.

"Bambam? What are you doing here?" questioned Nara with a deep frown, earning a chuckle from Bambam seeing her reaction.

"Well, you're not answering the calls from Mark hyung, Jaebeom hyung, and Jinyoung hyung. You didn't even answer 4 calls from Jackson hyung and Youngjae hyung. You didn't even answer 7 calls from me and Yugyeom. So here I am, "Bambam shrugs coolly as he sits beside her.

Nara instantly took out her phone, to really see the exact calls she received from the Got7 members, and there were more spam calls from her own team-mates.

Mark oppa GOT7 - 1 missed call

Jb oppa Got7 - 1 missed call

Jinyoung oppa Got7 - 1 missed call

Jackson oppa Got7 - 4 missed calls

Youngjae oppa GOT7 - 4 missed calls

Gyeom Got7 - 7 missed calls

Bammie Got7 - 7 missed calls

"Why 7?"

"Because it's Got7?" dead-panned Bambam, earning a slow nod from Nara.

"Right," muttered Nara as she looked away, her eyes were fixed onto the river.

"First thing first, how did you end up here? Secondly, how was dinner? And lastly, what is impossible?" Bambam questioned curiously as he tilted his head.

"Well - first thing first , how did you know where I am? Secondly, did you know if your company knows where we are, we are both dead? Thirdly, what are you talking about?" asked Nara teasingly, as she turned towards him.

He was raising an eyebrow, then letting out a scoff.

"To answer your question, I asked the other noonas to track your location and they were sweet enough to give me the full address of the restaurant. Secondly, I don't give a damn - well it's not that I don't give a damn - but I'll get away with something if they find out where I was-- l ook , I was worried about you and I can't peacefully compose any songs with the thought of you in my big head. you said something is impossible, so what is impossible? " questioned Bambam coolly and calmly.

"That's sweet of you, Bambam. You're not the only one who's thinking of someone," muttered Nara as she instantly looked down, but he was sharp enough to hear what she had said.

Bambam slightly frowns, his heart was racing a little faster and he could feel himself pouring out the truth to her, so he took out his mask.

"What happened back there?" Bambam questioned and Nara sighed heavily.

"He was really good looking, Bam. He really was, but oh god , I feel so bad for him," confessed Nara as she was already pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration.

"Okay ... But why do you feel bad?"

"I feel bad because I was thinking of someone that I finally realized that I love that someone!" Nara said in annoyance and Bambam's eyes were still on hers, as he gulped down his nervousness, wanting to ask a specific question.

"Who is it?" Bambam's voice came out soft as he watched her looking up towards him, as she quickly looked away.

"Well, it was ... someone .." Nara's words trailed off, earning a slight scoff from him.

Bambam then went quiet as he finally let out a sigh.

"I'm not going to beat around the bush, and I just want to let out everything rather than making myself suffer from my own thoughts," confessed Bambam and Nara got his attention as she fully turned towards him.

"I really like you, Nara." Bambam simply said and Nara's heart was beating rather fast.

Omg, Bambam likes me? I don't think he knew that I was talking about him.

"When you ended the call, I was on the edge of letting my tears out - because I can't stand knowing someone that I want to be with is going on a date with another guy, which is not me," mumbled Bambam as he let out a slight smile.

"To be honest, I was actually thinking back at my studio - what's going to happen when everything is over? Are you and the other girls going to disappear, just like how my close ones disappear, knowing they can't be friends with idols ? If that happens, I think I would hide in my own apartment, knowing you will be gone - as my best friend and the one I had fallen for, "added Bambam as his gauze was towards the river, trying not to make eye contact with Nara.

Awww.

She was looking at him in awe as she slowly leaned towards him, giving a peck on the cheeks. Both of them could hear the sound of Nara kissing his cheek as she pulled away, looking at Bambam with a slight smile.

On the other hand, Bambam was a little shocked as he was touching the area where she just kissed him.

"We investigators can't predict the future, Bambam. But I can 100% confirm with you that our feelings are mutual," teased Nara and Bambam's eyes grew wider as he quickly scooted nearer towards her.

" Oh my god, are you serious ?" Bambam was already too shocked to even realize he was speaking English, earning a chuckle from Nara.

" Do I look like I'm joking ? I realized that I was actually thinking of you when I was eating dinner with him. That's why I muttered ' this is impossible ', and I feel bad for him too,"

"Why do you feel bad? I feel honored, man !" This time, Bambam gave her a quick peck on the lips. Nara's eyes grew wider as her head snapped towards Bambam.

"So, can we make it official then?" Bambam questioned, his arms were already wrapped around her shoulders as he pushed her towards his side.

Nara could feel her cheeks grew red.

This guy ...

"That fast? You didn't even take me—

"On a fancy restaurant date? Oh hell yes, we are going now! C'mon, babe." Bambam stood up within a second as she pulled her hand.

From there, Bambam didn't let go of her hand.

masterlist: Got7 Bodyguard Au

#got7 bodyguard au #kunpimook bhuwakul #got7 bambam #bambam #yugyeom #got7 imagines #got7 bambam imagines #got7 bambam scenarios #bang nara

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princesscatherinemiddleton · 5 years

Text

Princess Madeleine - Mama Magazine

“I want to be home with my kids as much as possible!”

Her highest priority is to spend as much time as possible with her children – who are so far unaware that they actually belong to a royal family. MAMA has met the three royal grandchildren and Princess Madeleine for a candid interview.

The past few weeks have been intense for Princess Madeleine. Recently she returned to Stockholm from Miami, the new hometown which she moved to a year ago, and she has just debuted as a children’s book writer, which has attracted considerable attention in both Swedish and foreign media. The children have been sick but they are now back home in Sweden over the summer – finally.

“It was not so easy for them to get over it this time, they have been sick with flu every two years. But in the end, Chris stayed in US with the sick kids and I brought Adrienne with me. So I managed to get home for the book launch.”

A few days after our big cover photo shoot with all the children, MAMA meets Princess Madeleine again – who is now recovering from a cold. She is dressed in a blue-grey jacket, white shirt, and around her neck is a thin necklace with small charms with the children’s names and a patron saint. She has some job assignments left before it’s time to leave together with the rest of the family.

“They have longed to get to Sweden! Both to come home to their rooms and their things. But also that we are outdoors so much more here at home than we are in Florida. It’s so hot there, and you can only be out for a short time, so for them to be out in the woods and run around, it’s a dream. And that is something I have really missed myself.”

Nowadays, we are used to seeing our Swedish royalty together with families in different official contexts, and it is not infrequently the children who are the focus of the cameras. Princess Leonore, the oldest of the siblings at five-years-old, has charmed the world’s press on both her Aunt Crown Princess Victoria’s 40th birthday celebration and her little sister Princess Adrienne’s baptism.

“She has a lot of energy. There are several teachers who say they have never met a child who has so much “free spirit”. But now I can see that once she gets into things she can really sit for a long time and concentrate. She loves to paint and decorate and make bracelets and necklaces with pearls. It often becomes a cosy moment because I also find it fun to paint and decorate, so it’s a lovely mom-daughter moment we have together.”

What else do you like doing together with the kids?

I would probably describe myself as the right amount of “hands-on”. I try to be with them as much as possible, whether we are in the park or at home. It is clear that if we are at home there are so many other things that need to be done, but I try to be involved most of the time when I can. It is important, it is about small moments you will otherwise miss.

How do the children’s personalities differ?

Leonore is the lively one. Nicolas is much more calm and sensitive with a big heart, a real mother’s boy. It’s him I get all the compliments from! He can say, “Mom, you look beautiful!”. Adrienne is very simple, happy, calm and harmonious, and just keeps going. Now she is 16 months so you start to see some more characteristics. She is very quick-thinking and tries to hang with the others with her little legs.

Which of the children is most like you?

My husband says Leonore, haha. She can stomp her foot when she gets angry. I was probably a little bit too, when I was a kid, quite determined, so yes. I would say Leonore.

And who is most like Chris?

Chris is very emotional and soft, so I see that side in Nicolas. Chris also sees details that Nicolas does and enjoys nice things. Chris gives the best advice, I always ask him when it comes to clothes, for example.

Princess Madeleine is always close to laughing as she tells anecdotes about the children and their peculiarities. When I ask if something in parenthood had surprised her, she has to think for a while.

“This “baby brain”, I didn’t expect it to last so long, this bubble you feel when your head is not really stuck. I can lose words and feel that I’m not as quick-thinking as before. And you have heard that maybe when you have child it can stay for a few months longer, or when you breastfeed, but I think it has stayed – ” (pauses) “ – longer than that.”

But now you have a little one too, that may not be so strange?

Yes, yes. Okay, so if you get fuzzy answers from me, then I’m blaming baby brain, haha!

Baby brain or not, Princess Madeleine has written and launched the book “Stella and the Secret” with her friend and colleague Karini Gustafason-Teixeira and children’s book author Stella Maxwell – a project that has emerged from Princess Madeleine’s commitment to the World Childhood Foundation and the issues surrounding the vulnerable and exploited children the foundation focuses on.

A children’s book about sexual abuse – that sound like a difficult task?

Yes, it’s been a long progress! In my work with Childhood, I have been campaigning to raise awareness of child sexual abuse. Me and my colleague Karini realised that even though we have reached out to thousands of people and organisations, it is difficult for these messages to reach children. That’s when the idea was born to write a children’s book. We wanted to reach out directly to the children, directly to the home where we know that everything begins, both good things but unfortunately also bad things…

Have you and Chris started talking about those issues of privacy with your own children?

We absolutely have. I think it is very important that the children understand this early and respect their bodily integrity and that you do not touch anyone in certain places of the body – you respect the private areas. We’re talking about that.

What responsibilities do you have as an adult for other children in your area?

We adults all have to take responsibility to act if we see something that is not okay. We have to dare to ask the child if everything is okay. We are too careful there, we do not want to interfere, but sometimes a child just needs to be asked a question, how they feel and if everything is okay.

In the book you do not wander around the topic of sexual abuse but go straight to the point…

Yes, we asked for input from various child psychologists when we had an almost completed script, and we also read in school classes and those were the ones who asked us not to be more afraid to talk more concretely in the book. Initially, we wrapped it up more, but they thought we would also have the heavier bit with Stella’s friend Elena’s secret, and I’m still glad we brought up that bit. For as the child psychologists say; children can take it. Don’t back it up, it’s better to pick it up.

Often, we adults are afraid to talk about heavy things?

Yes, we are afraid to talk about heavy topics with children. And that is exactly what I felt, that if we are uncomfortable talking about such a situation, how then should children dare to take it up with us? You know that you have to be a good parent and talk about problems that children may face, everything from friendships, tough times at school, bullying etc. but it is not always easy to address. Then it can be nice to instead have a book that you can read or listen to together, and hopefully it will lead to a conversation where you can naturally ask questions about how the children would have done in Stella’s situation. I hope the book can help, to open the dialogue that way.

In addition to the work with “Stella and the Secret”, her job for Childhood and the official assignments for the Swedish Royal House, Princess Madeleine also has had three children in the past five years; Princess Leonore, 5, Prince Nicolas, 4, and Princess Adrienne, 1.

For many, being a parent can be more or less a shock, was it so for you?

Now that I think about it, it probably wasn’t. I had a simple pregnancy and also delivery, so I think it helped, that it actually went so easy and that I did not have a really bad experience. The first time went well, and I have been fortunate that my children have been simple babies, they have slept through the nights since they were one or two months. So compared to how it has been for many other moms, I have been very spared.

Leonore was born in 2014 and Nicolas in 2015. What was it like to get pregnant again, so quickly?

That I was expecting Nicolas came as a shock! I was already in the third month, I knew nothing. We were moving from New York and I was so tired, but I thought I was safe because I was packing and there was so much with the move. But then I was pregnant. I think I was in the thirteenth week when I found out.

Wow. But then you had not felt bad and so?

No. I did not feel bad with Leonore or Nicolas. With Adrienne, on the other hand, I felt very ill. Really weird.

Did you like being pregnant?

Yes, actually! I didn’t think I would say that. I thought I would sigh and complain more, haha. Obviously, it will be heavy in the end but as I said, it’s probably because I had the benefit of having a light pregnancy, so I’ve been pleasantly surprised anyway. I think you get such a calm when you are pregnant, I like it.

You’ve had babies tight, it’s easy to get the impression that it’s easy for you to get pregnant?

Mmm, nothing has been planned, haha! When Adrienne came, I’d really thought I’d give Chris a puppy, but then…

Princess Madeleine bursts into laughter. “Okay, Chris had his birthday and I thought I’d surprise him with a puppy. I had fixed the kennel and knew when the puppy would come and everything was planned. And then he got a package with a stuffed animal that was a dog, and a card that said ‘Congratulations, you should get one for a family member’. He got completely chalky and dropped his chin, “What, are you pregnant again?” And I said “No, it’s just a dog!”

But then two weeks later I had to come back to him and say “you, I don’t know if it’s such a good idea that we get a puppy…” because then I was pregnant. With Adrienne. And then I had to call the kennel and say we have to wait for the puppy. I wished for a very long time at first, but I listened to my mom in the end, she said “No, you can’t have a dog too, wait now”. And that felt right, because it would still be like having two babies.

Since the 2013 wedding, Princess Madeleine and Chris O’Neill have lived in New York, then London, Stockholm, and now Miami. Princess Leonore was born in New York, while both Prince Nicolas and Princess Adrienne were born at Danderyd’s hospital outside Stockholm.

“Yes, the children are born in different countries, and there is little difference. In the United States they are much more concerned that the mother should definitely not be hurt, they give much more stunning at birth, so with Leonore it was very painless. I almost felt it was too much, I felt nothing, my whole legs were stunned.”

Did you experience any pain?

Yes, I did. But then when they got stronger, then they grew on the anaesthetic, so I didn’t even know when I was going to push her, it was the doctor who had to say it. While in Sweden you are much more restrained, you do not get given as much stunning. Which I can also feel is pretty awesome because then you know more and the body really tells you what to do. So even though it hurt a little, I thought it was a cooler experience all in all.

You were pregnant with Nicolas at your brother, Prince Carl Philip’s, wedding to Princess Sofia. How was it?

Yeah, that was pretty exciting, haha! Of course, I really wanted to attend Carl Philip and Sofia’s wedding that lasted two days – first it was a party the night before and then it was the wedding itself. And I told my midwife before, “I feel something is happening,” so I wanted to check the status before going into the party and into the church. But then I was actually 3cm dilated, so she thought I should have a bag with me in case I had to go inside.

So I sat inside the church thinking, “Do. Not. Let. My. Waters. Break. What do I do if my waters break? Do I leave? Do I stand? What do I do?” I was really nervous, but Nicolas waited a bit to get out. This was on Friday, then Saturday, he gave me Sunday to rest on, then on Monday we went in.

It must have been an exciting conversation for your table party?

I had Daniel at the table, which was nice, he helped me. So I could say, “You, it hurts right now, you have to talk and I’ll sit and smile!” Because it was a TV broadcast dinner too, haha! So I just couldn’t sit there and make grimaces.

Has it been easier or harder than you thought, being a mom?

When I had Leonore, then I thought it was too much. But then when I had the others, I wondered why I thought it was so hard with one child, haha! And then with three, oh my god! I do not agree with those who say that “If you have two then there is no difference with a third.” I don’t think so, but I think it’s more to plan, just logistically, because they differ so much in ages. Adrienne has her schedule of meal times and sleeping times, the other two have something completely different, so to put it together it’s a little bigger puzzle. But as a mom, I think… that’s a lot! But it’s fun! I love being a mom, it’s the most fun!

Has there been anything you wish you knew before you had a child?

I had a little trouble with breastfeeding. There are different breastfeeding cultures in the US and Sweden. In the US you were asked directly: will you breastfeed or do you want compensation for your baby? In Sweden, you must breastfeed. I think it was a little more pressing. Not sure everyone can and for me, that was a little difficult.

Have you breastfed all your children?

Yes, I have.

As a new mom, were you worried or cool?

My friends thought I was cool and I think I’m pretty calm. It is clear that I was sometimes worried as a new mom because we lived in New York and I did not have the family close, so you could feel a bit lonely during the whole thing. But we brought in help, so it felt safe to have someone there who could support.

How is Chris then, is he cool or more worried?

No! He’s the worried one of us, haha! As with Adrienne a few weeks ago, he said “she looks yellow, we have to go to the hospital, I think she has jaundice!”. And I just was like “No, she can’t have jaundice, she’s 15 months old, she’s just caught the sun!”

How do you and Chris complement each other as parents?

Good, I think. Unfortunately, I am the one who may be a “bad cop”. Leonore knows exactly who to go and ask when she wants something. But joking aside, I think we’re a good team. When I have Adrienne in the morning, he fixes breakfast for the children and solves everything in a good way, then he is busy in the days, but comes home in the evening for reading time with the children and then on the weekends we are very much together. Chris is very much a present dad when he is not working.

Who are you looking for support from in parenting issues?

It’s probably my friends. Most of them are a little ahead of me so it’s perfect, they have that experience right now, when the kids go into different ages and stages, so there I talk a lot with my friends.

Do you ever Google for info if the kids get weird rashes or the like?

No, no.

Maybe Chris is the one who Googles?

He definitely Googles! He probably has spreadsheets of all kinds of illnesses there, haha. But no, I don’t.

You and Chris come from slightly different cultures regarding child rearing. Is there something you disagree on?

Yes, I would probably say that it is. I would like to have the children with us all the time, while he is more like it was where he grew up: the children are not always with you, for example, you do not always eat dinner with the children but individually… But you have to compromise. And I agree, it is important for the relationship that you get some alone time together, and not with the children there.

Many who are in the middle of the toddler carousel may feel that they sometimes lose themselves, a bit like "where did my old self go?" Have you ever felt that way?

I have, absolutely. But sometimes I think it's a little nice too, just to focus on the children and not on myself. I think now that the kids are getting a little older, I'm starting to come back, and have more time now, when the bigger kids are more in school. I still have Adrienne at home, but I'm starting to feel more like myself again.

Do you feel lonely?

No, I feel like ... now I have a family, my own new family. But then it is clear that you always miss friends and family at home in Sweden.

Have you been able to build a new network of friends in Florida since you moved there?

Yes, but it does take its time. We moved there in August last year, so now I feel like I have good friends, and especially good moms from school that I got to know. In the United States, there is an incredible parenting presence at school so it was very easy to get in and make new friends throughout that cohesion. It is a full time job to just be a present parent in school there! No wonder it has become such a phrase, "soccer mom", because it really is.

Are you going to be a soccer mom?

Sure! I already think it has started with all the different activities of the children, the only thing you do is drive back and forth on different activities. Leonore has ballet and football, tennis ... Nicolas also has football and "sports" where you get to test everything from baseball to basketball, he thinks it's great fun.

Princess Madeleine describes a daily life that in many ways resembles many other toddler parents. Up early in the weekdays, stressful mornings and off with the older kids to school. The days are often spent at home with Adrienne, they attend gymboree classes with singing, play and gymnastics. Get the kids from school at three, shooting off for activities.

When Chris comes home from work, they take turns reading for the children before bedtime and on weekends it is fully focused on spending time with the whole family. Both Friday night ("Yes! Movies, chips and popcorn!") and Saturday candy are two Swedish classics that are obvious to the family.

Living in sunny Florida has its advantages. When the children come home, it is often a swim in the pool, swimming with friends is a favourite occupation, and both Leonore and Nicolas learned to swim early. In addition, they do not have the bulky winter overalls that we Swedes otherwise are accustomed to at home.

“Yes, it is very nice right now during the toddler years ... that booking with all winter garments - and once you have come out then someone needs to go to the toilet! Here it is only with shorts and t-shirt, in that way it is very simple, life is a little easier when there is a warm climate.”

In the US, they may also be more at ease compared to Sweden, they are not recognized as often.

How do you talk to the kids about being royalty?

I haven't actually talked to them about it yet. I think it will come naturally. And I think it was so for me, because I can't remember that mom and dad sat down to talk about it, but it probably came naturally. I think when the time comes they will ask and wonder and then you have to take it then, but now they have to live in their little bubble, in their little world without titles.

Can it be a shock when you are here in Sweden and people recognize you on the street?

That is where I think Swedes are so very respectful with the children, it is rare that anyone comes up. Even though we are in the park and I see that people recognize us, but there are not some who come and take pictures of the children or so. So they have been very kind, they live in their bubble and think they are like everyone else.

Are there times when you feel that you are not enough as a mother?

Yes, but it is clear, when all the children want attention, and then maybe you have to go away and not be able to follow up any noisy situation ... But otherwise we are very much with the children right now. And I have also really tried to prioritize this, to have these toddler years, and as long as I can, I want to be home with the children as much as possible.

You said before that you want four children?

I have to correct that. Chris has said four kids, not me, haha!

How do you feel yourself?

Right now I feel that I do not know how I would be able to get to it purely logistically, because it is quite a lot as it is, but at the same time it feels very sad to close that door. Because it is so wonderful with children. But we'll see.

“Right now I'm very happy with three children,” says Princess Madeleine emphatically and adds with a laugh: “It might be a dog instead!”

Quickfire questions

How many times were you awakened tonight? - Two. By Nicolas and Adrienne.

How many children lay in your bed when you woke up this morning? - Haha, one. Nicolas. He is the night hiker.

What was the first thing someone said to you this morning? - "Mom I need to pee!"

Which child was most difficult to raise? - Leonore.

What did the kids eat for breakfast? - Actimel with cereals and toast. Chris fixes.

How many toy animals were sitting at the breakfast table? - Two rabbits; Leonores "Pink" and Nicolas "Blue".

When did you get to drink your morning coffee? - Standing, just before we left. And cold.

Who in the family takes the longest time to put on their clothes? - Leonore.

What are the most common kids chattering about in the mornings? - The iPad.

What is the most common thing you talk about in the mornings? - Now we have to go!

#mine #swedish royal family #princess leonore #princess madeleine #prince nicolas #princess adrienne #chris o'neill

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mcgrathandwives · 5 years

Text

Someone To Lean On.

Request: 🏳️‍🌈HAPPY MONTH!🏳️‍🌈 I was wondering if it's possible for you to write a coming out piece? With the Avengers? Perhaps your family found out and it wasn't exactly the best so you had Nat or Wanda take you back to the compound and you tell everyone what happend? The Avengers being like your second family and they shower you in support? Include Carol, Nebula and Gamora too please?

A/n: reader's in their 20s. They don't live with their parents but visit every weekend or every month when they have time off. Low-key based on my coming out, but obviously it's changed up a little for the benefit of the fact my coming out was angsty af.

I DONT OWN MARVEL OR ANY OF THEIR CHARACTERS.

Word count: 3,399

Pairing: The Avengers x Reader.

The sun setting crept its way through the window, Natasha leaned against your doorframe as you finished packing your bag. "You ready kid?" She offered to drop you off before making her way out to meet Maria for drinks. Slinging your bag over your shoulder, you squeezed by the assassin. "Y'know I'm far from a kid, Romanoff!"

Quickly you bid the others goodbye, Carol pulled you into a quick hug, whispering "Good luck." She knew how tough your family can be after a mission. Luckily you weren't too banged up this week, but that didn't mean there wasn't fresh wounds.

The drive to your childhood home was mostly quiet, Natasha did sing along to a few songs on the radio just to cheer you up a little. She's always without a doubt brought a smile to your face, at first it started as a crush- only on your part of course, she is the Black Widow after all.

But still, she took you under her wing, she became your mentor and then watched you get flustered around Wanda. Nat's been your number one since you joined the team, she really treats you like family.

Pulling up outside the house, she offers you a small smile, reaching over to hug you. "If you need anything I'm just a call away, kid."

"Thanks Nat. Don't flirt with Hill too much now." You left the car giggling at her face. It's really not a secret to you that Natasha has a thing for Maria so to make up for her teasing you about Wanda you gotta give her a little taste of her own medicine.

You did learn from the best, after all.

---

Laughter echoed around the house the second you opened the door, the smile on your face never leaving. You made your way to greet everyone and let your mom scan over your injuries, it killed you know how upset they made her but she was proud of you for doing your job, even if she didn't agree with it. You retired to your bedroom an hour or so after getting home.

The next day you woke up to a few texts from Wanda, she was wondering if you'd be interested in attending the pride parade with her and the other Avengers. Naturally you said yes, with the parade being on Monday you didn't have to cancel any family plans and it would be the first time you attended the parade since coming out so it brought a new excitement to the event.

Later in the day you helped your mom with some grocery shopping and stopped for a few photos with different people and the drive back was full of laughter as you both sang along to whatever playlist your siblings made.

You helped your dad prep for dinner as your siblings did some chores around the house. "Any plans this week Y/n?"

You were hesitant to mention going to pride with the others, you weren't exactly out and proud around your family. That's not to say all of your family didn't know, after all, the Avengers knew and they've never been more supportive, Tony and Steve have spent many an hour trying to help you work out how to 'come out' to your family.

Wanda and Carol were there for every failed attempt. Bucky, Sam and Clint were more than happy to lend you a shoulder to cry on every time you freaked out about coming out.

Nebula and Gamora had also spent a good bit of time with you, Nebula understood where you were coming from the most, she knew disappointment better than anyone. Gamora however didn't understand why you didn't just tell them like you did with her.

Thor, however, he was always willing to pretend to be your boyfriend for as long as you needed, he joked about it a lot. He was there on one occasion listening to way your dad spoke about the LGBT+ community. He understood your apprehension and did try his hardest to help you, that even mean introducing you to Brunnhilde. She didn't quite grasp the difficulty of it since she wasn't fully up-to-date on Earth's prejudices. Nevertheless, she offered her best advice as well as her time- she's one of the few people you knew that was actually out and didn't care what anyone had to say.

Natasha though?

She's been there for every second of it, from being the first person you came out to, holding your hand through every other moment of coming out to the team. She's been there for every heartbreak and she's held your hand through it all, she knew how nervous you were about being judged based on your sexuality. She knew all the stories from your school days to actually hearing first hand your family's opinion on some members of the LGBT+ community.

The team is incredibly supportive and proud of you and they made sure you knew it.

Being partly out and in the closet at the same time brings enough challenges, you're a big believer in only coming out when you, and you alone, decide when it's time.

"Em, not much actually. We have a few missions here and there and the pride parade."

Your dad stopped for a second before shaking his head, "Well, we'll have to discuss that after dinner. I can't have you getting hurt out there." His comment wasn't exactly harsh nor was it comforting, you weren't sure if he was talking about your missions or the parade but you brushed it to the side, focusing on peeling the veggies.

---

After dinner you offered to do the washing up, seeing it as an opportunity to build yourself up. To give you that final push, to come out to your parents. Half way through your inner pep talk your dad walked in, your mom following. "So pride huh?" The conversation barely started and already it struck a hint of anxiety through you.

"Yup!" You could feel the confidence drain from you quickly, "You and the Avengers?"

"Uh huh. It was Tony's idea that we be there." Your stomach was knotted with every word, heat rushing all over you. "For protection?" Your mom was quick to jump in, "Y'know for the gays? Instead of cops?"

Your arm reached behind your head, scratching at your neck, "Well partly but mostly to just celebrate. Since some of us-" Before you could finish, your dad cut you off.

"What do you have to celebrate? I don't understand why you'd be there if it's not for protection? It's not like you're going to show support for any of your friends, they clearly aren't going for your support either. I just don't understand why you'd be there."

All you could hear was your heartbeat increasing, to the point you were convinced that they could hear it too before you could process what your dad was saying you just blurted it out.

"I'M GAY!"

At that moment you watched your dad lose all self-control he had, his nostrils flared as his face went red. "How could you even know that?", "You haven't even lived your life enough to know that!", "Is it a phase? Is one your little Avenger buddies gay too?", "You don't have enough life experience to even consider being gay!" He was firing questions and statements left and right, each one getting louder.

You weren't sure if you were hurt or angry but either way, tears threatened to fall. Your back straightened, you were in flight or fight mode now and you've never backed down from a fight. "How can you even ask me that? How can you even say that!"

Your mom inched herself closer to you. "It's not a fucking phase! I've known for years! And yeah actually I do have 'enough' life experience to know my own fucking self!" By now you’d both gotten in each other's faces, flashbacks of past arguments swirled through your head as tears brimmed your eyes, this was it. "You're not gay. You can't be."

Tears started to fall freely, that it seemed to only anger your dad more, "Why are you crying? What is this not what you wanted? Not what you expected? Did you think we weren't going to have an adult conversation about this? You're too fucking young to know Y/n!" The tears fell faster now as your chest started to burn.

‘How could he be like this?’

‘What happened to I'll always support you without judgment?'

"Welcome to the real world! Not everyone is just going to take what you have to say and not question it! I'm in my given right to ask this! Stop! Fucking! Crying!"

Anger bubbled its way through you, "FUCK YOU!" Your mom froze, she'd be in many arguments with you and your dad before but never once had you really spoke to him like this, no bratty attitude, not snide comments just a firm tone. "I WAS FUCKING SCARED TO COME OUT! BECAUSE I KNEW. I KNEW YOU'D REACT LIKE THIS!" Admittedly his scoff hurt more than his words. "You and your generation, you all think you're entitled to have the flags out, and everyone claps for every little achievement you've made! I knew! I already knew! But here you have to announce it like it's news! Grow the fuck up!" Your mom managed to make her way between the pair of you, creating enough distance, she knew neither of you would try anything now. She had created a gap for you to get out of the room.

You couldn't take anymore, the shouting mixed with your panic attack burned your throat. Your chest felt like it was on fire and no matter how hard you wiped your eyes the tears wouldn't stop. Making a break for your room, you grabbed your phone, dialing the first number you could.

----

"Hello? Y/n?" Wanda's voice was laced with worry, panic washed over the other Avenger as you choked on a sob. "I-I need you to come, get me." She knew you could hear the muffled movements just like she could hear your dad shouting, Wanda stayed on the call with you, hearing everything your dad was saying, she refused to hang up when your mom came in and everything had gone quiet.

Whilst listening to your conversation, she ran to Natasha's room, banging on the door. The redhead answered with messy hair and a glare that could kill. "This better be an emergency Wanda."

"It's, Y/n, they need us. Now." The minute Natasha heard your name she was grabbing sweatpants and her keys, "C’mon then!"

By the time they got to your house, they could hear more shouting, "IF YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR YOU'RE DONE!" The wooden door swung open, revealing you in a fit of tears, barely able to walk in a straight line due to your blurry vision. Wanda rushed to your side, whilst Natasha made her way in front of your dad. "Move an inch and see what happens!" Her tone, cold, she left once Wanda had you in the car.

The ride back was silent, apart from your sniffles and worried glances they'd thrown in your direction. You finally passed out in the back once you passed the old tower. When you arrived back at the compound, Wanda carried your bag, as Natasha pulled you into her arms, carrying you to her room.

After assuring Wanda that you'd be okay with her, Nat finally crawled in beside you. "I know you're awake Y/n." Rolling yourself into her, you let the sobs free. May spent the next two hours running her fingers through your hair, whispering little nothings to calm you down.

"I- I came out and they- he didn't like it." The assassins arms tightened around you. "We don't have to talk about it until tomorrow okay? Right now let's just try getting some sleep."

---

The next morning Natasha woke up with a numb arm, your body clung to her like your life depended on it. It killed her seeing you like this, tear tracks stained your face, your hair in a million knots, you never passed out until 3ish and Nat, well she was up and down for the next hour with you. Slowly she untangled you from her. Pulling the larger blanket over you, she decided to make you something for breakfast and call the others.

Shortly after Nat left, you woke up. Hoping last night was one horrible dream, the lack of photos on the wall however, only confirmed that you were definitely not at your parents. Your head was pounding, violently, the events still playing in your head. Tears blurred your vision again, and you tightly grabbed the blanket that was given. It smelled faintly like Natasha, calming you down a bit. You just needed a minute to collect yourself before explaining the colossal fuck up of events that took place last night.

Admittedly you weren't sure what you were more scared of, the reactions of the others to finding out what happened or the fact that your dad had finally managed to cut you deeper than any blade ever could, whilst your mom just stood there.

That sinking feeling you've felt all your life had grown, leaving you feeling heavier than ever.

---

As Y/n was still trying to build up the confidence to leave Natasha's room, the Avengers had all huddled around the island in the kitchen. All of them worried for you, "They finally did it and it went worse than they thought it would." Bucky and Peter were the first on their feet, making their way to the door. They were greeted by Nebula and Gamora, both of them wearing a threatening glare, with a flick of her finger Nebula had both of them turn back towards the group.

"So what do we do?" Steve wasn't all too familiar with this situation, but he cared for you deeply, he saw you as family and he only wanted to help. Everyone broke into conversation about a cheer up plan.

----

After an hour everyone had agreed the best way to help you was for you to tell them what you needed. Instead of them firing in all of these different ideas, it was a madhouse at the best of times but with grown adults shouting about movie days or theme parks, then of course Peter piping in with ice cream and Groot contributed beautifully by leaving because it was too loud for him- it took Natasha being picked up by Carol for everyone to shut up. So they all found themselves going about their own business waiting for you to come to them.

Another hour passed before you emerged from Natasha's room, wearing sweats and a borrowed sweater from Tony, your hair was still damp from the shower and everyone could see how exhausted you were but you knew if you didn't come out then they'd crowd you in the bedroom. You didn't need any more anxiety so you braved it.

Before you could greet anyone Gamora made her way over to you, pulling you into a hug. Nebula copied her sister's actions and soon so did everyone else, Brunnhilde snuck her way in closer to as Wanda's arms tightened around your waist. Tears fell freely from you, the group hug was admittedly a little claustrophobic but definitely needed.

Once everyone had untangled themselves from you, you found yourself being pulled into the strong arms of Thor. Each of the team, spent the next 10 minutes, pulling you into individual hugs, trying to remind you that they've got you- without overwhelming you with the same sentence. Peter held you a little longer than the others, once he pulled back he flashed you an awkward smile, the both of you were the youngest of the team and had a close sibling-like relationship. He held your wrists before saying, "Consider it from Aunt May too." He let out a small "Oof" when you pulled him back into you.

Carol dragged you over to the couch before throwing herself down beside Wanda, she pulled you down between them, cuddling into you. The room fell into a comfortable silence, the others retired to their rooms after a few movies and once you reassured them you'd be okay, you stayed between the heroes, barely paying attention to the movie.

Your thoughts were consumed with every interaction you've had in the last 24 hours. From the argument, you had with your parents to the comforting embrace of Carol Danvers. In the moment you realized that it didn't matter what you'd have to deal with in your life as long as you had the Avengers you'd be okay.

You'd have someone to lean on.

Someone to be there to pick you up when you're down.

You'd have someone in your corner. In this case, it turned out you had the world's and well technically the universe's strongest beings in your corner.

Wanda listened to your thoughts with a small smile on her face, she wasn't trying to invade your personal space- she was worried and rightfully so. She adored you, so much so, that she'd do anything to help you. She had a bit of a crush of course she did. How could she not? But you didn't need someone like that in your life right now. You need support, unconditional love and she was more than ready to throw every ounce of it she had at you.

---

Monday rolled around quicker than you thought, everyone was getting ready for the parade when you walked out sporting the rainbow design on your suit. Natasha offered to paint one on your face but you declined since your suit was basically a walking flag. Carol, Thor, Steve, and Bucky were all sporting their flags as their suits, Brunnhilde swapper her blue cape for her new cape designed to look like the Bi flag- Bruce finished it this morning, whilst everyone else wrapped flags over their shoulders or painted their faces. Hill walked in making a direct B-line to you, pulling you into her, it'd been a while since you'd seen each other. She apologized for not being here with you sooner and promised a proper catch up after the parade.

Everyone was ready to leave, you were just waiting on Tony, Pepper, and Wanda. Wanda walked out smiling sporting a rainbow jacket, instead of her red leather one, Tony and Pepper wore their suits which were covered in stickers.

The parade went spectacularly and the after party at the compound- courtesy of the Avengers LGBTQ+ charity, Pepper and Maria set up: 'to fund shelters, safe houses and more for all LGBTQ+ beings across the globe', was in full swing. Everyone was laughing, joking and enjoying themselves. There was all sorts going on, photobooths, photoshoots with the different Avengers, a dance party, food and drinks, face painting, etc. Everyone was just enjoying their day, celebrating everything they've fought for in their lives to be who they are, being out and proud about their story and their own history. It was inspiring.

It was beautiful.

It was hopeful.

It was loud too and you needed a second to yourself.

Excusing yourself from the group, making your way out to the balcony. Watching the sun setting in the distance, casting a golden-pinkish glow over the city. The birds chirped a little louder and the soft wind ghosted over the trees. You finally released your breath, the events of the weekend once again playing in your head. Your family should be here, they should be but they weren't and it hurt, your dad hadn't once reached out to you, your mom barely spoke to you when she did and your siblings, well they called and promised they'd visit after the parade- you're getting lunch with them tomorrow. It still stung that you couldn't share this experience with them.

But everyone in there, everyone that stood by you today, they made it all that bit easier. The fact that you have this whole other chosen family, people and beings that just want you around because you are, who you are.

Because you're being yourself. They're all the support you need. All the love you could ever want.

It'll all feel easier in time, you knew that. It'll hurt less in time.

#avengers x reader #pride prompt #im a little drunk ngl so im sorry for the messy format #this is a week over due #but its here #this is based on my coming out but obviously the avengers didn't come to my pride #i wish they did ngl]#im rabbling in the tags now #im gonna stop

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create-a-positive-mind · 5 years

Text

My Experience in an Abusive Relationship

This isn’t something that we every really talk about. Most people don’t want to hear about it and the people who go through it don’t want to talk about it.

But I think that it needs to be said. I don’t know why I picked now other than it was on my mind and I’ve recently talked about it to some people in my life since I recently moved back to my hometown temporarily.

I’ve mentioned it in passing before, but I wanted to give actual details this time. And please know if you are in an abusive relationship, please feel free to reach out to me if you need it! You are not alone and I never want you to think you are!

This is a really long post, so I’ve added a ‘keep reading’ break.

I was in it for a year. Not as long as some people sure, but it felt like a lifetime by the time I got out. He never got physical with me, it was all mental and emotional abuse. He showed the signs of future physical abuse though and when I look back on it now I know it was only a matter of time - in fact I found out later that he hit his next girlfriend. But I got out 10, almost 11 years ago and up until when I moved to the other side of the country (in 2015) he still tried to contact me regularly by phone, FB, or text or did little things to show that he was still watching. I can't even be sure if he's not still watching - even virtually - he randomly requested me on LinkedIn a couple months back in fact. The first contact since 2015, so I know he’s probably still occasionally watching.

In some ways I lucked out. I was still in high school when I was with him so I didn't live with him and I didn't have to worry about trying to get out and find a place since I still lived at home with my parents. Because I was in high school I didn’t have to worry about being 100% isolated from everyone who could help me - but that doesn’t mean he didn’t isolate me, he did. He was still around - though not at school because he was 6 years older.

A week after we started dating was my birthday. At my party, when I was surrounded by so many people, he preformed his first major act of manipulation by giving me a written will to hold on to ‘just in case’ and telling me that he loved me so much and I was the only thing keeping him alive. We had known each other for 2 months at this point. We were together a year. One of the other major ones was he convinced me to tell my parents that he was gay so that we could hang out more without my parents suspecting anything.

I helped him find a new apartment, helped him get back into college, helped him mend his relationship with his family, encouraged him to make friends, helped him job search, helped him budget, and so much more. I spent basically every weekend at his place (which was an hour away once he moved and 30 mins before he moved), often lying to my parents to do so. He essentially became my life and he frequently called me his ‘sole pillar of support’. This isn’t an easy thing to be for someone, in fact it should never be placed on one person like this - and it was definitely another aspect of the emotional manipulation.

He cheated on me too, he admitted to 2 of them in tactics to try and keep me throughout the relationships (And there was also the time he proposed to me with a ring and everything when it looked like I was going to take our ‘break’ (he still contacted me daily and expected me to do so as well) and turn it into a ‘break up’.). But later on a mutual friend had mentioned “he feels really bad about cheating on you with a and b”...except the names he gave her were not the names he originally gave me. So there are at least 4 instances I’ve heard about, but honestly I suspect there were at least 2 other girls he cheated on me with.

It was tough because despite the fact that we didn’t live together, he worked like hell to put me in a position where I didn't feel like I could tell anyone what was going on - from friends to family, I felt like I couldn't tell anyone for various reasons. In fact it was only later that I told anyone and every last one of them was shocked. They didn't realize I wasn't in love with him, I had them all fooled. I was really good at putting up a front. I finally got out on my next birthday (I say it was a birthday gift for myself, but to be honest while it was liberating and needed, my birthday has now turned into a reminder of that time...), we were together for just over a year.

Side note while I’m on it- please please please think about what you say, especially if you are in high school - and I don’t just mean in a situation where you know your friend or family member is going through a rough time. I was in this relationship for a year and I never told a soul until it was over that it was abusive. One of my friends told my parents I had sex with him, my mom would make snide remarks, my dad was so openly disappointed in the fact that I had lied (and is the type of dad to want no details of a relationship, stated by him) that I retreated into myself and didn’t speak of my ex to my dad, my closet friend had been alienated from me early on because of her open dislike of him and she had eventually told me it was him or her, most of my other friends all defended him or said I was exaggerating whenever I brought up anything to do with worries (one even convinced me to give him a second chance after one of the cheating instances, as a side note, she later ended up the mother of 2 of his kids and is the one he hit...), and the few that were left tended to only dislike him because of how much time I spent with him (I had to text him multiple times a day, school or not, or he would flip out - this was back in the day of flip phones too) or talking to him or I wasn’t close enough to them to confide something like this. I just really needed someone to take the time to talk to me about it all not just blow up or judge me about it and for all of these reasons and a million more that revolved around his words, I felt alone and judged and felt I could tell no one. Support the people in your life and their relationships, don’t criticize, don’t judge, don’t coerce, don’t yell, don’t blame. Let them come to you if they push back to you asking them about it, let them know that they can count on you to be there for them. You don’t have to agree with them, you don’t even have to say that you like that person they’re with - but no matter what you need to make it very very clear that you will support them and their decisions because you want them to be happy, safe, and secure. This will give them that support they need and it will allow them to know there is an out. I needed this, and I’ve since tried to be this for others.

I finally ended it when he wished me a happy birthday in complete monotone and then when I said 'I love you' (I was conditioned to say it by that point, he would flip out if I didn’t) he said 'yeah I know, see you tomorrow' and that was it. I just snapped - one of the main tangible reasons I was still with him was because he had me convinced that he would kill himself if I left him because he loved me that much, and yet he can’t even say ‘I love you’ on my birthday?. That was when I broke up with him though it took 2 hours of conversation because he kept trying to manipulate me back and at times he almost did. And Honestly, it's a good thing it was over the phone because he'd already managed to convince me in the past to stay with him when it was in person. Though I did eventually accept that if he did kill himself, it would in no way be my fault (spoiler alert, he didn’t).

Later, after I had ended it and before my birthday party was over with he sent me a link to his LiveJournal (yeah...don’t know who will remember that one, but its an online journal that people can comment on - or it was, no idea if it still exists). And in that online journal was more attempts at manipulation, more attempts to hurt and cut me. Because he didn’t just send it to me for the post where he ranted and raved about me dumping him. He sent it to me because he had spent months, months, bad mouthing me online. Months talking about how I never did anything in the relationship. Months of him saying he was worried I may be cheating on him. Months of him describing everything from a view point that was solely designed to cut me down and build him up. Months of getting sympathetic ears telling him how he should break up with me if I wasn’t going to put in the effort that a relationship needs. I may have never seen it before that point but he made sure I saw it then. It was an attempt to manipulate me back into the relationship, make me believe that I was to blame, make me believe that I hadn’t put in the effort, make me believe that I was the cause of everything that I had brought up in our breakup conversation. He called multiple times after ‘giving me a chance to cool down’ and even brought it up to me one of the times I answered, trying to see if I had ‘seen the relationship from his side’.

And you know what’s worse? If he had waited a couple more days for all my friends to have gone home, for me to be alone with my thoughts, it may have worked - I can’t 100% say that it wouldn’t have. As it is I think he sent it when he did thinking that either I would be embarrassed and want to save face with my friends by taking him back to prove I wasn’t like what he said, or he wanted to ruin my credibility with my friends by showing them all what I ‘was actually like’. Because he knew that when I saw the email my friends would convince me to open it and read what was said right then with all of them as well.

I took years for myself to figure out myself again. Because with that relationship I also realized that a lot of my friendships weren't healthy either. So many of my friendships were all about what I could give them and had nothing to do with what they could give me. I had to spend my college years relearning what a friend should be like and had to figure out how to relate to people again. It's only been in the last 5 or so years that I've even been going on dates again and I haven't been in a serious relationship since him, no one I would call a boyfriend. Hell, I've only be intimate with one other person and that turned into a one night stand type of deal.

Honestly, I’m still struggling with parts of this. I still struggle sometimes to have a healthy friendship, my early friendships and this relationship make it difficult for me to confide in people or ask for help (though I am better at it than I was), I also find it difficult to trust others and sometimes my own judgement. The lasting affects of going through something like this can’t be ‘fixed’ overnight.

It's incredibly tough to get through the abuse - physically we can heal, mentally and emotionally it takes much much longer and the scars are harder to see. People say that mental and emotional abuse are the worse - and some people discount physical abuse because it can heal - I haven’t had any physical abuse so I can’t say for sure, but I will say that it is impossible for physical abuse to happen without there being mental and emotional abuse as well, don’t discount any abuse.

Abuse is abuse and no one should every have to go through it..

Once again. If you ever need someone to talk to, please message me. I’m here to listen.

#create a positive mind #abuse #abusive relationship #real talk #be strong #be scared and do it anyway #we deserve to be safe #it's not easy #it can hurt #you deserve to be happy #I'm still struggling #don't give up #you are not alone #tears

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