do other autistics have the problem where you literally feel you’re not allowed to do something unless someone else tells you to do it or is with you to do it and it’s ruined ur whole life?

Movie night

Summary: You and Bucky are staying at the tower and it’s movie night!!

word count: 1,893

Warnings: 18+ MINORS DNI. unprotected sex, fingering (F receiving ) Dom Bucky, 

A/N: Feedback is always welcome. I do not give permission to copy, steal or translate my fic. All mistakes are my own. Enjoy

It was movie night in the tower, and you and Bucky decided to stay over as he was preparing for a mission with Steve/ It was a few days away and Bucky always wants you to stay over at the tower so that you are safe and sound. You didn't mind because your anxiety goes crazy when you're alone. Packing a few things and went to the room that you and Bucky share, there was a knock on your door. It was Sam "Hey! we have movie night tonight at around 9. You're both invited" "Thanks, Sam, we will see you then" You smile. "We don't have to sweetheart, I wanna spend all my time with you" Walking over to Bucky and wrapping your arms around his neck kissing him softly. "It's just a movie Bucky, it will be fun"

"I know sweetheart. I just want you all to myself till I have to leave" "We can watch a movie and still spend time together baby, it will be fun" He smiles and nods at you, kissing your lips softly. His hands sneaked around your waist and down to your ass, gently squeezing. You moan softly against his lips. There's another knock at the door "Whoops, sorry guys, Y/N would you mind helping me with dinner?" "Sure Nat, I'll be right down" You smile as she closes the door. "Do you have to help her? I need help with something" He smirks as he pushes you against the bulge in his pants. "Hmm, seems you need a cold shower soldier. I'll see you downstairs" Kissing his lips and left the room heading down to help with dinner.

You let everyone know that dinner is ready and to come get it while it's hot. Taking your seat at the table, you see Bucky "I've got yours here baby" "Thanks, doll" He bends down to kiss your cheek. His lips brushed over the shell of your ear "You're gonna be sorry for that baby girl" He whispers and takes his seat. It sends chills all over your body, and goosebumps all over your arms. He rests his hand on your thigh and gently squeezes. What will be in store for you later? You were biting your lip thinking about it. "Hello? earth to Y/N?" "Huh?" "Can you pass the wine?" "Yeah sorry Sam" "She's got a lot on her mind," Bucky says and smiles at you

You all have a good talk and laugh while eating. Poking fun at each other. "Okay, time to clean up, and then movie time!" Steve shouts with his arms in the air. "So you're cleaning up Steve? Great!" Sam laughs. "It's okay Steve, I'll help you," you say and start to pick up some of the plates. "I'll wash you dry them, Steve?" "Sure". You both head into the kitchen and start the cleaning. Steve heads out to go wash the table down and Bucky comes up behind you wrapping his arm around your waist. "When you're done here come up to the room" "Bucky they will be starting the movie, we can't" "No, it will just be a minute I promise" "Okay, as soon as I'm done here I'll be up. But no funny business Mr.!" He chuckles as he leaves the kitchen. You and Steve finish up putting everything away "Good job soldier!" You pat him on the back "You coming to watch the movie?" "Yep, just have to get something upstairs and I'll be back down" Turning to leave the kitchen and head upstairs to your room. When you open the door, Bucky is sitting on the edge of the bed. He smiles when he sees you come in the door."You okay Bucky?" "Yeah baby girl, come here" He stretches his hand out to you and you walk forward taking his hand in yours as you sit in his lap. "What's all this?" "Oh I just thought I'd get some things ready for you before the movie," He says softly against your neck. Looking at what's on the bed you see a long shirt, a bralette top, and your favorite stuffed animal that Bucky gave you on the first date you had. "Come on baby, we don't wanna be late"

Getting up off his lap, you start to undress, Bucky helping you with your bralette so there are no twists in it then you put the long shirt on. It rests in the middle of your thighs. He hands you your teddy and you wrap your arms around it and look at him "Ready?" "Almost sweetheart" He kneels down and hooks his fingers in your panties and pulls them down "Bucky!" "Shh, you don't want a red bottom before we go down do you?" "N-no sir" "Good girl, now step out of your panties" Doing as your told and waiting for Bucky. He grabs a blanket and takes your hand leading you to the door "But Bucky, my panties" "You're not going to need them sugar. Now, are you going to be my good girl and not make a sound during the movie?" You nod looking up at him "Use your words baby" "Yes sir, I won't make a sound" "Good girl, now come on! Let's get going before we miss the start" He takes your hand leading you down to the living room where everyone is waiting. Nat had gotten all the snacks sorted out and a huge bowl of popcorn. You stand behind one of the empty couches, feeling very shy about how you don't have any panties on under your shirt. You feel like they already know. Bucky lays on the couch pulling the blanket over himself "Come on baby girl, lay here with me" Quickly moving from behind the couch and covering yourself with the blanket. He wraps his arms around you and you both get comfortable. Everyone is enjoying the movie and you are nice and relaxed laying with Bucky and your stuffed animal. Feeling Bucky's hand move down your side and rest on your hip. You feel his nose nudge against your ear and he whispers "Don't make a sound" Your breath hitches in your throat and your heart begins to race.

His hand moves down your thigh lifting the shirt. His hand sneaks over your hip and down between your legs. You can feel your cheeks grow red as his hand keeps moving, his lips on your ear and neck. He pulls your leg back over his thigh so you are fully exposed but only to him. The rest are all focused on the movie. His hand now sneaks back up your thigh and covers your pussy. "Bucky, not here" you whisper  "Are you denying me again? Shh, if you stay quiet they won't know a thing sweetheart" He starts rubbing slow circles on your clit making you close your eyes. "Eyes open baby, don't want them to think you're asleep" Your eyes shoot open, trying to watch the movie but his fingers are moving down more and he's pushing two fingers inside as he hums against your ear, his fingers slipping deeper inside. "Bucky, please, I promise I won't deny you anymore...F-fuck!" His fingers hit your sweet spot "You want me to stop? Now? There we go, no stopping now baby. You're gonna cum all over my fingers but you're not gonna make a sound"

You nod and bring your stuffed animal to your mouth in case a moan slips out. As your orgasm starts to build, you lay your head back on Bucky's shoulder. He knows that you are close, he can feel your pussy squeezing his fingers. You cum on his fingers, burying your face into your teddy to stop any noise from coming from your mouth. Bucky is right in your ear saying that you've been such a good girl. But honestly, you can't hear anything as your orgasm was still washing over you. After a few moments had passed, you turn your head to Bucky and smile "Good girl baby, you were very good and didn't make a sound. How about we go to bed and I can show you a real good time" "Okay Daddy, but wait a few minutes, I don't think I can walk just yet" He just smiles and kisses you as he moves from behind you. "Guys, I'm gonna bring Y/N up to bed, she's feeling pretty tired" The others say okay and say their good nights to both of you. Bucky makes sure the blanket is around you before picking you up and carrying you upstairs. He kicks the door closed and lays you on the bed, throwing the blanket to the bottom of the bed.

Feeling him spreading your legs apart and his tongue lapping at your sweet pussy, your hands automatically run through his hair as your body jerks still feeling the effects of your orgasm. His moans send vibrations through your body as he sucks on your clit "Please Daddy, I need your cock I can't wait any longer"/ He just looks up at you while he takes his time. Feeling yourself reaching your climax again, you move your hips against his mouth. You cum all over his tongue with a loud moan as your body starts to jerk again. Your vision comes back to you moments later as you feel bucky kissing up your body. As you were enjoying your high, Bucky had undressed and he was finally going to give you what you asked for. He runs his thumb across your bottom lip and kisses you softly.

His hand reaches down and strokes his cock before he runs it through your folds. "Pleased baby" You whisper. "I've been your good girl, right? Please can I have your cock now?" He smiles. "Say that last part again for me sweet girl" "Please, can I have your- OH!" He slowly slides in filling you up with his cock. He can feel your pussy squeezing him. He positions himself on his elbows, looking into your eyes. "You have my cock now baby, do you want more?" You nod at him. "Words baby girl" "I- I want you to fuck me. Hard" He smiles kissing your lips as he slowly pulls out then slams back in making you bounce up and your breath hitch in your throat. He brings one of your legs up resting on his shoulder hitting a new spot inside you. You grab his face kissing him as he keeps his brutal pace on your pussy. You can't help moaning loudly the pleasure was sending your body into overdrive. You were shaking, sweating, and a moaning mess but you didn't want it to end.

"B- Bucky! Oh, fuck please I'm gonna cum! Daddy please!!" You cum all over his cock with your cry. Your pussy clenching around him making him moan into your neck as he spills his seed inside you. Wrapping your arms around him as you both come down. Pushing the hair back off his face and kissing him. "I'm really gonna miss you while I'm on this mission" "I'm gonna miss you too baby, please come home safe and sound to me". You both lay facing each other, you don't speak much. You just look at each other exchanging small smiles and giggles till you both fall asleep

PAIRING. thomas raggi x fem!reader

SUMMARY. y/n comes to terms with the fact that she’s bisexual but finds it difficult to tell her lovely boyfriend, but as everyone would expect, he fully supports her.

WORD COUNT. 914

THE SOUND OF a sigh filled the room as Y/N L/N paced back and forth, thought after thought running wild inside of her brain. Her boyfriend Thomas was coming home from a couple of months of touring the world with his band. The girl was beyond proud of him, but she could not think about him right then. Thinking about him brought forth anxiety as she had something important to tell him.

She had always questioned her sexuality but only recently came to terms with it. She was bisexual and while she knew Thomas was going to be supportive, she could not shake the nervousness inside of her chest. It wasn’t necessarily him or their friends that made her nervous, more-so the public.

There was a part of her that worried that things would change once she came out, as crazy as it may seem to some people. It was pretty scary but she tried to push down the negative feelings. She eventually stopped pacing once she heard the sound of a door opening and closing, not realizing Thomas had gotten home until then.

“Amore mio,” the Italian called out while he shrugged off his jacket.

“In here,” she responded. She attempted to hide the fact that she had been stressed out and anxious, but didn’t know if he would believe it.

One thing about Thomas Raggi was that he was so attuned to her feelings and the tells her body would give when she was not feeling positively. That’s one thing that she loved about him, even though there was a long list of reasons. He was always there for her and they supported each other so she felt a little silly for being so fearful. She just couldn’t help it.

Thomas walked into their shared room, a smile appearing on his lips at the sight of his girlfriend. Her H/C hair was tied up into a messy bun and she was sporting a pair of shorts and a blue tank top. He always loved seeing her looking so comfortably. She was the most stunning person to him and he was always quick to show her these feelings.

He walked closer to Y/N and hugged her for the first time in months, closing his eyes and enjoying the moment. He had missed her more than words could express so of course the first thing he had to do was hold her. However, his moment of peace wasn’t long once he felt her hesitation to return the affection. He pulled away and furrowed his brows.

He confusingly asked, “Are you alright? You usually are happier to see me. I didn’t do anything wrong and forget, did I?”

“No baby, you didn’t do anything.” She was quick to calm down his rising worry.

The girl turned and went to sit down on their bed, closing her eyes for a second to calm herself. She opened her eyes and was met with her boyfriend sitting next to her, a gleam of concern in his eyes.

“N/N, is everything okay? Did something happen while I was gone?” Thomas asked a little too fast but she was able to understand each word.

Y/N turned her head and their eyes made contact for a split second before she looked away. “No? Yes? I don’t know, it’s not all that important I guess. There’s just been a lot on my mind but it’s not anything that anyone has done. I’ve just come to terms with this part of myself that I wanted to hide for the longest time.”

When Thomas still had confusion painted on his face, she knew that she would have to elaborate further. She took his left hand in her own, lacing their fingers together. She looked at him again and was ready to get everything over with.

“I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am bisexual. I’ve been nervous to come out and actually say those words. I wasn’t nervous to tell you specifically because you’re the most supportive, but not everyone is like that. I worry that people will take my sexuality and turn it into something negative when it comes to you.”

She continued sharing her feelings after pausing for a moment. “I mean, there has always been a stigma that bisexual people cheat, and I don’t want people saying that about me and our relationship.”

Thomas kissed the top of his girlfriend’s head and held her other hand too. He felt happy that she trusted him enough to be open with this information but he hated that she was thinking about things that would’ve never crossed his mind.

“Mia cara, I’m so proud of you. I know it’s not the easiest thing but I adore you. I don’t want you worrying about something like that because I know you love me. I love you too and I trust you. Your sexuality is a beautiful part of you. There will always be people who don’t understand but you have to ignore it.”

He raised one of her hands up and kissed the back of it. He looked back at his girlfriend and noticed the tears in her eyes.

“How did I get so lucky?” Y/N asked.

Thomas chuckled and shook his head. “I think I’m the lucky one. How about we watch a movie to cheer you up?”

“That sounds great,” Y/N agreed.

The couple spent the rest of the day in each other’s arms, watching movies and enjoying each other’s company.

AUTHORS NOTE! this is an older imagine that i’d written a couple months ago. i have a eurovision imagines book published on wattpad and i finally decided to post some of them on here since there isn’t that many none-måneskin related ones. yes, i started with a måneskin member, but i do have a lot of others for loreen, bojan, käärijä, etc. if you see any typos, please ignore them because this was written months ago and just copied from my notes. thanks for reading!

I Love Him- Part 7

I brush my hands on my paint stained jeans as I happily look around the freshly painted and decorated room. Steve and I decided to paint Lilly’s room a lilac purple for all the walls except for one, an accent wall of a light pink with lilac trim. Due to Lilly’s love for seashells and butterflies we had her seashell collection in the one corner of her room and butterfly pictures and figurines on the wall as well as Lillian spelled out is fancy letters on the pink wall right above her white bed. Her bed is a white bedframe with light blue sheets and a multi colored polka dot comforter. There is a round light grey rug in the middle of the floor and a small table and chair along the one wall by the window so Lilly can draw and color while looking at the ocean, all things that she loves. She had a small closet by the door and a wooden dresser on the other side of the door.

I smile before closing the door and slipping down the hall and down the stairs making sure not to wake up Lilly. I walk into the kitchen and smile when I see Steve and Junior out back talking. I drink a glass of water before grabbing two beers and heading outside.

I walk over to Steve and sit in his lap before handing him and Junior a beer. Steve glances to me with a smile, “Everything done?” I hum as a rest my head in his shoulder, “Yeah, but your children are beating the shit out of my ribs and bladder.” He chuckles and I grab his hand and lay it on the right side of my stomach above my bellybutton, “Don’t move your hand, you’ll feel it in a minute.” Steve has yet to feel the babies kick but he’s heard me yell about it. I watch his face and smile as his face lights up and one of the little buggers smashes their foot into my stomach. “You feel it?”

He nods with shining eyes, “Yeah, yeah I did.” I peck his cheek before standing up, “Alright, I’m going to head to bed, tomorrow’s a big day,” I give Steve a kiss before continuing, “for all of us.” I pat Juniors shoulder and bid them goodnight.

I get out of bed being careful so I don’t wake Lilly and pull on a pair of leggings and a flowy tank top that isn’t so flowy on my stomach anymore. I slip into the bathroom to brush my hair and teeth before heading downstairs.

Like I thought there would be, the whole team was milling about the house taking orders from Tani and Grace. I find the girls in the backyard yelling at Steve and Danny to raise the Congratulations banner on the right side a little bit before Grace and Tani groan and yell simultaneously, “No! To the right!”

I walk up to the girls chuckling as the boys fumble to get the banner right, “You’re going to cause them to have an aneurysm.” They chuckle and I ask, “What can I help with.” They look at me like I’ve lost my mind and Tani lays a hand on my shoulder, “You, do nothing but watch.”

I frown and cross my arms, “Hell no, I need to do something or I’ll drive myself crazy with anxiety from Lilly’s birthday surprise. Like, she won’t like it or she hates her room. Oh my God, what if she doesn’t like it!?”

Tani and Grace look at each other with wide eyes before whispering to each other and Grace walks over, “Okay, we need to make Lilly’s birthday cake, and cupcakes, so you can help me.” I smile and nod, “Thank god I can do something!”

I rinse the bowls and utensils as Grace pops the rest of the cupcakes in the oven, “She’ll love these.” I nod in agreement, the cake is a chocolate and buttercream cake and the cupcakes are strawberry with light purple icing. Grace grabs the ingredients for the icing when I hear a confused voice, “Mommy?”

I look at Grace with wide eyes before turning to Lilly, “Yes sweetheart?” She looks around before coming over and hugging my legs sleepily, “Where’s Daddy?” My face goes from worried to are you serious right now? I look at Grace to see her hiding a smile and I point outside, “He’s outside helping set up for the party where we find out if you’re having sisters, brothers, or a brother and a sister.”

She nods and goes to run outside and I grab the back of her shirt, “Hold it, you have to get dressed first, and then you can go see if Daddy needs help.” She huffs and nods. I follow her up the stairs and she runs into Steve and I’s room before jumping onto the bed.

I shake my head with a chuckle before I grab the only outfit left in her drawer of my dresser since her other clothes are in her room, “Do you know what today is other than the party Lil?”

She smiles and nods, “It’s my berfday!” I nod before throwing her white summer dress with sunflowers on it onto the bed as I grab her white sandals with unicorns on them, “That's right.” I pull her into a hug and pout as she grabs my cheeks, “Mommy what’s wrong?” I look down at her, “My little girls so grown up.”

She giggles and hugs me, “Mommy I’m only six.” I nod, “Yeah but you’ll start school later this year.” She nods excitedly, “I know!” I smile at how excited she is and pick her up and set her on the ground before helping her out of her pajamas.

Once she’s dressed I ask her how she wants me to do her hair. She purses her lips and hums, “The French fry braid.” I snort as I hold back a laugh, “You mean a French braid?” She nods, “Yes that one.”

I lead Lilly out the back door and laugh as she takes off running as soon as she sees Steve. Steve turns around as she screeches Daddy and he picks her up as she jumps into his arms, “Hey there birthday girl.” She smiles and wraps her arms around his neck, “Whatcha doin?”

I stand beside Steve as he explains how he’s setting up for the party and she jumps in his arms, “Tan I help!?” He looks at me and I shrug, “I don’t know you need to ask Aunt Tani or Grace.”

She wiggles so Steve will set her down and as soon as her feet touch the ground she’s gone. I chuckle and Steve wraps his arm around me before placing a kiss on my temple, “Haven’t seen you this morning.” I lean into him, “I came out when Tani and Grace were instructing you and Danny with the banner.” I point to the banner that says Congratulations and he shudders, “They’re absolutely evil today.” I chuckle as Tani pops up behind us, “I’m sorry I’m what?”

Steve jumps slightly before the tips of his ears turn red and he chuckles nervously, “N-nothing, just uh, umm, talking about the weather.” Tani raises an eyebrow skeptically before glaring at him, “Aren’t you supposed to be setting up tables?” Steve nods before apologizing and scurrying away.

I laugh and look at Tani, “What did you do to him?” She chuckles and shrugs, “Told him if he didn’t listen he’d be disappointing you and Lilly.” I throw her a playful glare and chuckle, “You are so mean.” She shrugs, “It worked.”

I nod before changing the topic, “Did Lilly find you?” she looks at me puzzled before shaking her head, “No, why?” I look up as Grace walks over holding the girl in question, “Nevermind, she found Grace.”

Grace comes over and looks at Tani, “She wants to help.” Tani looks at me and I shrug letting her know Lilly can help. Tani smile and grabs Lilly from Grace, “Well then, let’s see, you can help put table clothes on and then the decorations on the table. That sound okay?” Lilly nods excitedly and Tani looks at me, “Well that’s my cue to go.”

Her and Grace run away and I go watch Steve and the boys put up tables and chairs. Grace and Tani really went all out blowing through the budget and adding their own money into it to make it ‘the party of the century’ and they were hellbent on making it perfect.

When Danny is free I walk over to him and lean on his shoulder, “When are Ma and pop coming?” He purses his lips, “Mmm, they said they would be here around 1:30.” I check my phone to see it was already 1 and the party started in an hour, people would be showing up and, oh my god, the cake I forgot to decorate the cake! I thank Danny before running into the house to finish up the cake.

I turn around as I hear my mom squeal before I’m pulled into a sloppy hug, “Oh honey! It’s so good to see you!” I pull away and chuckle, “Ma, I missed you too but you’re squishing me.” She apologizes before her eyes light up as she sees Lilly holding Steve’s hand as he talks to Danny. I turn to Pop as he pulls me into a hug, “Hey there sweetheart.” I hug him back before pulling back, “Hey pops, I’m glad you could make it.” He smiles and nods as he looks the same way as Ma, “Would you guys like to meet Lilly?”

I lead them out to where Steve is standing with Lilly latched onto his hand and staring up at him with stars in her eyes, “Hey, Lil?” She glances over in question as I continue, “I want to introduce you to somebody.” She shuffles to stand behind Steve when she’s sees Ma and Pop and her eyes widen. I look at Steve and gesture for him to help. He kneels down to sit in front of Lilly and pushes away a stray piece of hair that had come out from her braid, “Hey, Lilly, it’s okay. That is Danno and Mommy’s mommy and daddy.”

She peaks over his shoulder shyly and smiles slightly at my parents happy smiles. She nods slightly before grabbing Steve’s hand and pulls him towards me before she hides behind us with her head in between our bodies.

Ma and Pop look at her with smiles before Ma bends down, “Hi Lilly, I’m Clara. I’m your grandma.” Lilly’s smile grows as she gets more comfortable and her hands come to wrap around my leg instead of Steve’s hand. Pop looks down with a smile, “I’m Eddie, I’m your grandpa.”

At Pop’s name Lilly steps forward with a smile, “Eddie? Like Eddie?” I chuckle as she points to the dog Eddie and Pop nods.

Minutes later Lilly is sitting at a table with Ma and Pop as she asks about New Jersey and they told her stories about me and Danny when we were little.

I feel my heart pound against my ribs as Steve and I stand behind a table in front of everyone with two gift bags in front of us, one labeled baby A and one labeled baby B. Lilly knows now that it’s also her birthday party and she’s opened all her gifts and ate cake the only thing left is her room and Steve and I decided to do it when no one else was around except for us and the team since they all helped put it together in one way or another. She may be more excited to find out what we’re having more than we are.

Tani positions me in front of the baby A bag and Steve in front of the baby B bag. She steps back and has Grace set up the camera before instructing me to open my bag.

I take it with shaky hands and glance at Steve to see excitement in his eyes and silently urging me to continue. I pull out the blue and pink tissue paper before pulling a white onesie out with black writing that says ‘I’m a Boy’ I smile and show Steve before Tani rushes Steve to open his. He opens his a little quicker than me and pulls out another white onesie with black writing that says ‘Me Too.’ Steve looks at me with wide eyes and I pull him into a hug.

We pull apart smiling bigger than ever and Lilly comes running up before jumping into Steve’s arms, “I’m having brothers!” I chuckle and nod before kissing her forehead.

After everyone except Junior, Danny, Grace, Charlie, Tani, and Lou had left I look at Lilly, “Hey Lil, we want to give you one last birthday present.” She looks at all of us with excited eyes as we usher her up the stairs.

She looks confused when she’s standing in front of a door we told her was a storage room and was too messy to go into. I smile and urge her on, “Go ahead, open it.” She slowly grasps the doorknob before turning it and pushing it in. Her mouth drops when she sees the room and she rushes in, “IT’S PURPLE….AND PINK!” She runs around looking at everything and screeches when she looks out the window to see the ocean.

She runs over to Steve and I and pulls us down into a hug as tears stream down her face. Steve and I pull away and I cup her face, “Lilly, what’s wrong?” She sniffles before shaking her head, “I wuv you.” She directed it to both of us and Steve and I look at each other with wide teary eyes before we pull her into a group hug as we shook with joy filled tears before we said at the same time, “I love you too.”

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@djs8891 @kati-1997

Holy fuck

Okay like first off I just want to acknowledge I don’t know what is considered a lot or a little when it comes to AO3 stuff like this but this is fuckin astounding to me. The fact that these numbers are this high for stuff that I’ve done. That I’ve written! I have a few disabilities that deal particularly with reading and stuff like that but I’ve loved reading and creating story ideas for YEARS now ever since I actually got into reading. (Thank you godzilla comics and homestuck for helping me by keeping my attention so my reading skills got better holy shit) Not to mention this is my first proper dive into interacting with a fandom that has a more so solid backing (I am a furry artist and am active in that fandom but it’s not really a fandom you can talk and interact with and have everything you say be understood.) and it’s been such an amazing experience so far!! Gods one of the wackyest things is that my first fanfic, my first writing? Was a weird ass modern au talk between Scanlan and Vax called ‘A song in the lonesome sea of emotion’ I wrote and posted that on 2023-02-13 it’s currently 2023-04-18 and at least according to a few of my friends and one or two other people my writings improved a lot, fuck even though I give myself a hard time even I’ll hand myself that! Whats even more crazy?? I have mutuals on here that are amazing writers! Like wtf y’all are amazing??? Even in the furry art side of my life I never really had that happen before! I am too scared to name names due to almost crippiling anxiety but to my first critical role mutual (which I think you know who you are?) thanks for in a way launching me further into doing better. To the mutual who continuedly reblogs my stuff with the nicest most sweetest of tags gods do I appreciate you, you have no idea how much that means to me! To the mutual who doesn’t even know it but actually inspired and got me into actually writing fanfics and talking about my aus (holy shit that was not expected) thank you! And to all my mutuals in general you all are such beautiful creative people, I am so sorry I don’t interact a lot I am an overly anxious person who fears a lot :’3 I am sorry that I also don’t tag a lot when I reblog I’ll try to get better at that you all deserve that! And just to everyone following me in general if it for prompt lists or for my stories/aus I apricate you all so fuckin much words can not describe how awesome this all is for me and I hope tocontinue to make and reblog stuff that makes you happy, excited, just entertained in general! I wish you all many many great days ahead!

This is a bit weird but I just… kinda want to get something out of my brain to someone who may have some kind of understanding. Sorry if I’m a bother. The short of it is that recently I started to suspect I might have a chronic condition, because some of the things I’ve been experiencing were alarmingly specific to this and in one case, something I didn’t even know wasn’t a normal thing that happens to everyone. I thought about it for a few weeks and then made a doctor’s appointment with my regular doctor. That doctor referred me to a specialist, who told me to get a series of tests and specifically mentioned testing for something that I happened to see later could sometimes cause similar symptoms or be mistaken for what I kinda suspected (which I haven’t brought up to anyone because I’m afraid of seemingly like a crazy hypochondriac or something) I might have. I got the tests, and at once place the doctor also said they wanted me to come back for even more tests so they could give me a referral to yet another kind of specialist, and mentioned that they would have told me to get this other test except I’d already had it done via the first specialists orders, etc. It’s been a whole roller coaster of emotions. But anyway last week I went back to the first specialist for the test results, which were zilch. Nada. All looks good and normal, go home. I feel stupid. The doctor didn’t even let me see the scans and stuff, I guess I had been kind of hoping it would feel more real if I saw there was nothing weird. I know I’m no doctor and I can’t diagnose myself and I’ve got no medical training to even know what I’m looking at but. Yeah. It’s been around two months, I think, since I first started to suspect when I randomly saw a symptom list, and my brain had been all over the place. I do have anxiety so I’ve been wondering like, is this all in my head, is it psychosomatic, am I wasting time and money over some kind of attention seeking delusion? My symptoms definitely increased in severity after I started considering it and I’ve been very… I don’t even know over that. Because if things are worse then it’s obviously all like stress caused, right? At least according to my brain. And I’ve kinda flip flopped between ‘there’s no way’ and ‘it has to be’ while feeling both at the same time. When I was doing a bit of research and I saw one of the things the doctor had mentioned testing for as something that could be mistaken for what I was considering, I had a massive panic attack at the thought. When I was at one of the specialists’ offices and they said something along the lines of ‘so you’re experiencing this?’ and I said ‘no, this’ I totally calmed down for the first time since this whole thing started and was absolutely sure that this was all just a dumb waste of time and feeling at peace, only to be hit with the ‘okay so I want you to come back for these tests, you’ve already had those done so you don’t need me to make a referral, and then I want to send you to this other specialist’ while I was feeling like I was actually that one ‘what’ reaction image. And I had been thinking like, if I have this, I don’t want anyone to know. It’s not like it’s a life threatening thing and like I don’t want anyone to worry over me or treat me weirdly or anything… and then well the doctor said everything looks perfect. And before that I thought that was what I wanted. That was the absolute best case scenario in my head, second best being ‘yeah you’ve got this’ and worst being ‘actually MORE TESTS.’ And yet I nearly cried in the doctor’s office and then again nearly had a crying breakdown in the car… because I was told I didn’t have this thing I don’t want to have? I feel like some crazy attention seeking faker making up things in my head. Maybe I’m exaggerating what I feel. Maybe, even though the symptoms have been just as bad at times in the past, years ago even, before I’d heard of this thing, the fact that they feel worse right now is only in my head. Cont~

continuation~ Last night I was curled up in so much pain I felt like something inside me had combusted and I was afraid I was dying even though I’d gone to the hospital for this exact thing two years ago and it was nothing and I also hurt too much to move anyway. I got ten hours of sleep but it took me two hours to get out of bed and I missed a class because despite knowing I needed to get up and go I was too tired to even care about it. I say that and even though it’s true I feel like I’m lying or exaggerating for attention. For years doctors have been telling me I’m young and the healthiest I’ll ever be and there’s nothing wrong with me. The doctor told me all the tests look normal and then told me to go see a psychiatrist. I still have the appointment for the other tests the one specialist wanted me to have next week, at which point I’ll get a referral scheduled for the next specialist that doctor wanted me to see. The internet said that most people take 15-20 years to get diagnosed. The internet said less than 5% of people who have this show symptoms but nothing shows up on the scans. Who am I to be so sure I have this? Why should I believe the internet over a medical doctor? I’ve only felt worse in the days since that appointment last week. Isn’t that proof it’s all psychological? I guess… somewhere in me, even as I really desperately didn’t bad don’t want to have anything wrong with me, I got attached to the idea that maybe there was a reason. That maybe it’s not just that I’m getting dumber. That there’s a reason for all these inarticulate things I’ve thought for literal years but never had the reason or words or awareness to truly express. I say ‘nobody is as clumsy as I am!’ and people tell me off for being self-deprecation but what I never had the consciousness I’m not sure but whatever to realize before now, I felt it but I didn’t know the words, was that I mean ‘I’m not as clumsy as I am.’ Or I wasn’t. I have scars on my arms from when my hands just stopped holding things without my consent. I walk into door frames and walks and furniture because it feels like my legs just quit listening sometimes. I used to be able to stand on one foot for five minutes at a time and never wobble the slightest bit and only have to stop because my leg would get tired. Now I cling to the handrail or the wall every time I even go down one step and I regularly lean on the wall so I don’t eat floor trying to change my clothes in the morning or at night. I have adhd, I’ve always been forgetful, but I don’t think I ever used to legitimately not be able to tell the difference between today and yesterday. I never used to forget to eat for an entire day because I didn’t remember humans have to eat. I never used to accidentally skip breakfast or lunch or dinner because I think I have eaten but that was yesterday. I forget what I did five minutes ago or my memories feel so distant I have to think to figure out if I dreamed that I just washed my hands or something. I feel like I have the memory of a goldfish and I know I didn’t always. I know it didn’t used to be that sometimes I start and stare and stare at words and I can make them make sense individually but not all together, and then I come back to the same thing the next day and I can read it with no issue. And all this time I was thinking ‘what do I do if I have this.’ and I didn’t know, and the prospect was terrifying. But I never once thought ‘what do I do if I don’t.’ And turns out, that’s terrifying too. There’s no good answer and I just want to be normal and fine and I feel like a self obsessed hypochondriac idiot. I’m sorry for dumping all that on you.

I am honestly very glad you sent this to me, so do not be sorry. It sounds like you are truly fighting a battle and you needed to get this all out there.

My advice would be to bring up the condition you think you have with your doctors. Pose it as a question, like: "Is it possible that I have X?" Even if they rule that illness out, at least you will know one way or the other that all of the possibilities are being explored.

It does sound like your doctors are taking your symptoms seriously because they are referring you to so many specialists. That is a good sign. Also, according to HIPAA you are entitled to get copies of your medical tests upon request so you can ask to see your scans and blood work results. I think that could give you a little peace of mind, at least.

Also, I think seeing a psychiatrist is a good idea. I'm not saying that I think your symptoms are psychosomatic or that it's all in your head. However, even if it is a mental illness, that doesn't mean your pain isn't real. It doesn't mean you aren't struggling. It would just mean that the cause is psychological -- and if that is the case then your experience is equally valid.

Chronic illnesses and mental illnesses have a lot of overlap. You deserve to know what's going on, one way or the other.

At the very least, it sounds to me like you may have anxiety (understandably) and a psychiatrist would help you to manage that so you can at least have a little peace in your life while you're trying to figure out what else is going on.

I genuinely hope that you can get to the bottom of this. You deserve to feel better in your own skin and to understand what is happening to you. I will be thinking of you, anon.

random thoughts.

kinda like venting/mostly just getting some thoughts and feelings out that have been bothering me lately 😣

i do talk a lot about anxiety, btw! and i mention panic attacks and i talk about my depression. just wanted to give a heads up incase anyone does actually end up reading this rambling nonsense lol.

ooh, i also do swear quite a bit.

my anxiety is so unbelievably high 😖 like holy fuck!!

i feel like i’m actually crazy 😞😭

i mean like between my new job and just my generalized anxiety and some other things, i just feel like a damn mess lol.

but like for real though 😓

my anxiety keeps making my chest tight regularly.

during work, when i’m on my way home from work and when i get home. i’ll just be trying to breathe and relax and my anxiety says “NOPE!!” and makes me feel so very close to having a panic attack.

i feel so fucking stupid 😭

i feel so goddamn fucking dumb for letting my anxiety get the better of me. and because it’s happening regularly/so often! it’s like just fucking get your shit together for fucks sake!

and then because my anxiety has been so bad/getting worse, it’s starting to mess with my depression and making it worse and i just wanna run away and need a break from my brain 😭

i do like my new job, btw! like i do. it’s just so different and not like anything i’ve done before and it’s really far out of my comfort zone so it’s just still an adjustment, you know? 😣

and what’s not helping my anxiety at all is that after this week, i’m not gonna be with the person who’s been training me. they’re moving to another department 😣

and i’m very happy for them! i mean they’re going to somewhere they’ve wanted to be for a while now so that’s so awesome for them! i just have gotten so used to like being with them or having them by me and i’m not ready to not have them by me, watching over what i’m doing or reassuring me/reminding me that what i’m doing is correct and i’m doing everything in order or right.

i’m not ready to like not have them there right by me and can remind me what step comes next or help me when i’m still very unsure of myself 😓

but at the same time, it will be kinda nice to not have someone watching over my shoulder 😅 i mean i will have someone watching over my shoulder next monday cause one of my supervisors will be with me and helping me out cause monday specifically is supposed to be pretty busy, but then after that i’m on my own.

i’m very fucking terrified, extremely nervous, and kinda excited to be on my own. i just really wish i wasn’t on the front line 😅 i don’t like it, like at all lmao! i much prefer being in the back/in the drive thru lol! but all next month i’m scheduled to be on the front line ���� i’m really not looking forward to it 😣😓 but hopefully my supervisor will schedule me to be in the drive through more soon 😅

i have so much more i want to say, but my head is all over the place right now and i feel like i can’t focus on each of the thoughts long enough to get them out. if that makes sense? so maybe i’ll add more to this later or i’ll make a new post. idk lol.

fuck i feel like i’m gonna have a panic attack 😖😭

i really fucking hate this feeling 😭😭

12/14/2022 DAB Chronological Transcription (sorry guys, I had the wrong date)

Acts 27-28

Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible Chronological, I'm China. Today is the 14th day of December, welcome. So great to be here with you today. It is crazy that we are two weeks into this month already. Whew, here we are. We are more than halfway to Christmas. That is insane. Like a week and a half laugh I think is Christmas. So ready or not, it's coming. I've gotten all my Christmas shopping done. Hallelujah. Just need to wrap it and then we're good to go. And I'm like, truly ready. But I have had a good amount of self control to not put together Reagan's Christmas and just give it to her. So I've put like everything in our spare bedroom and I just set the stuff in there and then just close the door so that I don't have to look about it, look at it, or think about it. And I'm not tempted to try to give it to her, but we're in the home stretch. But I'm very much so just enjoying doing family fun things and doing fun things to get into the Christmas spirit and just do fun things as a family. And so I don't know if you have family traditions that you like to do or new things that you are starting up, but I hope that you are having a joyful week as you're in the week of joy for Advent. And that also whatever it is that the holidays bring up, I know that it's not always joyful and happy and exciting. I know that there can be a lot of stress or a lot of dread or a lot of anxiety or, you know, just all different things. And I don't have like a ton to say about that other than you're not alone. I promise you. I can guarantee you you are not alone. And you don't have to feel any specific way just because it's holidays. It's okay to not be okay. That's something that I've had to really give myself permission on, is like someone asks if you're okay. You don't have to say yes. You don't have to tell them why. You know, that's not my favorite either. But you don't have to try to make yourself be anything. You can just be. And I promise you the Lord's not disappointed or upset by that. So with that, let's jump into the Word today. And I'm praying the joy of the Lord is really revealed and that your eyes are open to it and that you do have something that brings you joy today and throughout this week and this Christmas season. Today we are continuing the Book of Acts with chapters 27 through 28, continuing on in the English Standard Version for this week.

Commentary

So this concludes the Book of Acts, and it ends with Paul sailing for Rome and a storm happening and Paul being ship wrecked. They're ending up on this island of Malta and being shown unusual kindness. I thought that was really funny. And the part of Scripture that really made me kind of chuckle was that a snake comes out and, like, attacks Paul's hand, which that, like, makes my skin crawl thinking about that. And people are like, oh, this guy for sure a murderer. Like, okay. How many times does that happen where if someone's a murderer, like, a snake just comes out of the fire, or a snake attacks someone, and you're just like, yeah, they're probably a murderer. Like, how often does that happen? And then they're expecting him to swell up or to fall dead, and it doesn't happen. They're observing him, and they're like, Must be a God. That quick change of thought, it was just really funny to me. But anyways, so then Paul, he arrives at Rome after being on a boat for a very long time and also not eating for 14 days before they ate bread. I was like, wow. I cannot relate to that by any means. But so Paul, he arives in Rome, and he appeals himself, and he says, Listen, I have nothing against our people, the customs of our fathers delivered as a prisoner from Jerusalem into the hands of the Romans. When they examined me, they wished to set me at liberty because there was no reason for the death penalty in my case. And so he's saying, for this reason, I've asked to come and see and speak before you, since it's because of the hope of Israel that I'm in these chains, that I'm in prison. And the response to him is, we've received no letters from Judea about you, and none of the brothers coming here have reported or spoken to evil about you, but we desire to hear from you and what your views are for this regard to this sect, we know that everyone, everywhere, it is spoken against. And so there's a day appointed for him to come and to speak. And some were convinced, like, as the scripture says, some were convinced by what he said so, others disbelieved. That sounds about right. For whenever you bring people together and you ask them to come to a decision, some are going to agree, some are going to disbelieve. And disagreeing among themselves, they departed from Paul and made one after Paul had made one statement. Holy Spirit was right in saying to your fathers through Isaiah the Prophet, go to these people and say, you will indeed hear, but never understand, and you will indeed see, but never perceived. For this people's heart has grown dull and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed, lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears, understand with their heart and turn, I would heal them. And this is probably not the best thing to say once people are in a disagreement about you. But also he is saying, therefore, would it be known to you that this salvation of God has been sent to the Gentiles? They will listen. And so then it, it ends with saying, paul lived there for two whole years at his own expense and welcomed all who came to him, claiming the kingdom of God and teaching about the Lord Jesus Christ with all boldness and without hindrance. And I love reading this part of the Scripture because it truly feels like what's going to happen next? What's going to happen next is he going to get taken out. But truly the Lord is faithful in what he has said over Paul's life and how he has used him. And kind of what we had talked about yesterday, of being used by God, like being delivered, being rescued, and then going back into the same kind of feel, the same space, and the Lord being with us and caring us and delivering us. And so we see that faithfulness and that endurance in today's reading as well.

Prayer

So God, I thank you for today's scripture. I thank you for Paul and his life and his dedication to you. And I thank you that he wasn't afraid of man, that he truly had fear of God, and that that motivated him and carried him everywhere he went, and that he shared with boldness and assurance in who you were and who you are. And God, I pray that that would stir something in us, that we would desire to seek your kingdom first and that your kingdom would come on earth as it is in heaven. And I thank you for people like Paul, who are willing to follow you no matter what. God, I pray that that would encourage our hearts and motivate our hearts to do the same. I thank you for your word, amen.

Announcements

Dailyaudiobible.com is our website. That is the place of connection. You can see what is happening here in the community, get connected and stay connected. You can also go to facebook.com/dailyaudiobiblechronological and that's also another great place for connection. You can put some faces to the names and better connect through there as well. I know that's always a great place for people to connect and to have further conversations or to ask for. Yeah. So be sure to check that out if that's your thing. But that is all for today. I'm China, I love you and I will be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer Line

Hey guys, this is Leslie from Kentucky and I wanted to pray for Tanya Compressing, her husband who separated her ex husband I think lost a child, a 28 year old daughter. So I'm going to go ahead and pray for him. That blessed. Telling his husband helped him to cope, see it through his time of grief with losing his daughter. God help him to get through this terrible time and anyone who also so Chris has suffered breath, especially for the past year, helping to get through. But only you can really men broken hearts and help us get through time to loss. And this girl was a believer, helped them to help that she was nothing with you and she was never praying.

Hello DABC, this is Ashley from Texas. I just want you guys to know that some of the people that I am praying for right now are Lou and Trudy who have dementia and cancer. I'm praying for Dnt who are estranged from their parents and believed to be in some kind of cult. I am praying for I think her name was Jolie or Julie. She has MS. That one really spoke to me. Lynn, who has or might have bladder cancer and so many other DABbers. I also ask you guys for your prayers because I have been on maternity leave unpaid and God has made a way for my savings to be stretched. Now they are at their end and I don't get a full check until mid January. And so some bills this month and some rent next month are looking real shaky. But I believe God. So let's pray right now. God, in the name of Jesus, right now. I pray for the people I spoke to you about in the mighty name of Jesus. Lord, I pray that you move in these people's lives, save right now first and foremost and then heal in the mighty name of Jesus. Devil, I come against you in the name of Jesus and I rebuke you saying any plan you have for these people's lives, I rebuke you and I send you back to hell and I release God's love and God's mighty salvation and healing on every person I mentioned. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Dear Papa, alaska mom needs a neurology consult for her husband. Time is of the essence because they're down in Oregon only for another week and a half. By the time this plays, it will be less than that. Please provide this consult as quickly as possible and then please make whatever's wrong with her husband treatable. He had a fall. Please lord, please make this happen. You can make a way where there seems to be no way and where there's nothing happening. We appreciate this, Lord. Thank you for your outrageous faithfulness. We love you so much alaska mom, this is your friend Adrian in Maryland. We're sending you all of our love.

Hey, DABC. This is Christie from Ohio. Apologies if this is getting sent twice. I have a prayer request for my friend Chen. She's a Chinese international student, and basically she's finishing up her semester. And by January 1, she has to know whether she's going to stay in the States or go back to China. And she's finishing her degree. So it's either go back to China and try to look for a job or take additional classes and something else so that she can continue a student visa here, because she'd have to have a job immediately lined up, and that hasn't worked out yet. So she's trying to figure out those two decisions. So prayers for her with that. And also, even more importantly, she's not a believer. She's been going to my church, and she's seeking, which is really good, but prayers that she could trust the Lord as her savior. And some of us have talked to her, and she's just said that she's on a path to wanting to learn more and stuff. So prayers that she accepts Jesus. And also prayers for her decision, because it's about two weeks away now that she's or more, that she's got to make a decision. So thanks.

Highlights from a 16 hour shift

-tables being mad at me because we were out of food they wanted

-drunk unstable guy accusing me of being a witch because I spilled ice cubes, started slamming his fists on the bar and trying to get in my face, had to call police, they show up 2 hours later and it’s not even a cop who knew about the incident he just wanted a to go order

-being forced to go outside and listen to an unhinged ramble from the woman who came in with the unstable drunk guy about her sex life before she ran off into the night

-my tables were like I’m so sorry, but didn’t tip me. When the dude was being crazy nobody spoke up for me, nobody did anything while a man twice my size tried to square up with me, not even my coworker, and it took someone from back of house to get him to leave.

-the person who was supposed to relieve me didn’t show up. Found out from back of house they refused to work the shift but just didn’t say anything. My ex/room mate showed up thinking I was getting out at my usual hour to give me a ride. Complained about waiting around for me before he left and told me I was “being rude to him” because he showed up shortly after the incident and I was filled with adrenaline and anxiety; but was still responsible for closing out tickets and helping my staff go home. Even though my manager didn’t want me to work this shift because it would put me into overtime, Nobody would come in so I worked a 16 hour double.

-Tables post crazy dude were less awful by a slight degree. But I was still snapped at because of back of house issues. I was so stressed at this point I started crying and told them I would pay for their meal.

My last to go order were a drunk couple, and the woman just…didn’t like me. Talked to me like I was stupid, slurring at me and snapping her fingers. Was angry that the menu didn’t “read the way it should” (what does that mean???) When I got their order packed, after verifying with the chef that it was correct with my own two eyes she made me unpack it and show her. At least the guy with her seemed to realize she was being a bitch for literally no reason and tipped me nicely.

All this is to say I LITERALLY HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THE SUPPLY CHAIN, THE MENU DESIGN, HOW LATE YOUR FOOD IS (UNLESS I WAS A DUMB ASS THEN YEAH THAT’D BE ON ME), STAFFING, ETC. I’M JUST YOUR SERVER AND IT’D BE REALLY GREAT TO BE TREATED LIKE A FUCKING HUMAN BEING AS I GO THROUGH MY OWN PERSONAL SHIT YOU DON’T SEE ME HOLDING MY TABLES RESPONSIBLE FOR SHIT IN MY PERSONAL LIFE THAT LITERALLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR STIFF YOU AFTER SITTING BACK WATCHING AN UNSTABLE MAN TWICE YOUR SIZE MENACE YOU AND HONESTLY I REALLY LOVE MY JOB IT’S THE ONLY GOOD THING I HAVE GOING FOR ME RIGHT NOW AND I’M WORKING MYSELF INTO BURNOUT TRYING TO SCRAPE ENOUGH MONEY TO GET OUT OF SHARING SPACE WITH SOMEONE WHO GASLIT, CHEATED AND LIED TO ME SO MAYBE STOP SHITTING ON SERVICE WORKERS.

I’ve never done this before but if anyone wants to buy me a cup of post traumatizing shift coffee I would be so grateful.

Cashapp $hotchipsplz

hi mickey!! i’ve been on an off adhd meds for about 4 years so i’ll tell you my experiences with the two i’ve been on ☺️

the first one i was ever on was adderall and the first day i took it i genuinely got the worst stomach ache of my life. had to leave school early it was sooooo bad. but that happened ONCE and then never again so it was all good. genuinely helped me focus, for the 2ish weeks i was on it i did really well in school which was abnormal to me. i was on the lowest dosage though and i felt like i became kind of immune to it very quick so they upped me to the next dose and i unfortunately cant remember how that went at all but i figure it didn’t do much for me bc i switched meds.

the med i’ve been on longer is vyvanse which i have a love hate relationship with…bc. well. it makes me genuinely sick, like it just completely gets rid of your appetite. the idea of food, smelling food, looking at it, eating it. just can’t do it. i either eat before it or when it first kicks in bc unfortunately if you don’t eat while you’re on it the effects are worse. like you have to fight through the sickness so you don’t feel sicker? it also makes me wayyyyy social, takes away so much of my anxiety and makes me feel happy. my therapist said it’s because adhd can manifest as anxiety often times so it’s counteracting that. i don’t have an active prescription but i had one last year so literally like 2 weeks ago i had to do a shit tone of homework and i took the rest of my pills over the course of the week. and i got soooooooooooo much more work done than i did all quarter so that was great.

the crash after is INSANE though. it’s not uncommon to feel like super sad when it wears off and i vividly remember crying in school at the end of the day once bc it was wearing off and i started having an existential crisis. the nap after also crazy like just totally knocked out for hours. and the focusing and happiness will be gone but the icky stomach feeling will linger until u eat.

that’s just my experience but i hope it helped a bit :)

HII RO<333333 THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS WITH MEEE!!!!!! it's so good to hear genuine experiences bc they can just differ so so so much. i had never heard about vyvanse so i wrote that one down for myself.

it sucks that the side effects can vary so much........ like damn can the medication just be Medication instead of taking away one thing and replacing that with like three smaller things??????? pls. when i got my antidepressants my friend told me all about her first two weeks (we had the same meds with the same dosage). she was like yeah you definitely have to eat before you take them or you'll get super sick, you have to take them almost at the exact time every day or you'll get sick + she had like stomach aches and she felt like she was gonna throw up a lot so she was just constantly chewing gum for the first two weeks and that scared the fuck out of me. bc. that's a lot of things lmao like is it even worth it all of that???? but then i had absolutely none of that NONE OF IT. the only time i feel sick is when i forget to take them...... but it's still good to know how it is for other so i can atleast BE READY FOR IT.

ok but you don't take them daily though right? just when you know you're gonna be more busy? is that just because you don't feel like you have to take them daily or you don't want to? my friend kind of does the same but the thing is... i am literally unemployed rn and i don't have school or anything but i still feel like i can't focus on anything so i'd probably be taking them on a daily basis anyway.. and i'm just wondering whether that's a bad thing or not. maybe it just depends on how well they actually work and whether or not they give me any big side effects............ sighh it's so upsetting that you just have to Try Them. pay for the session buy the meds probably suffer for some time just as an experiment lmao i love it

it's really good to hear that it helps with your anxiety too btw!!! i didn't know that it could do that and this is just making me wanna try it out even more i'd love to Not Be Anxious. whew what a crazy thought.

but i am very very very scared of the appetite loss though bc well...... i struggle with that anyway i just kind of forget about it and it's such a big task so the thought of taking something that could possibly make that even worse.............. is scary lmao this was one of the things my psychiatrist warned me about too

oh and also the crash after it......................... MMMMMMMM yeah that's a bit scary too just considering i tend to go through every single feeling and emotion on a daily basis anyway thanks to my good old friend autism. SIGHHHHH WHY IS IT HARD BEING OFF MEDS AND WHY IS IT HARD BEING ON MEDS PLSSSS

oke i kinda yapped but genuinely THANK YOUUU FOR TELLING ME ABOUT UR EXPERIENCE!!!!! now i know what to expect a bit more!!!! i hope you're having a good good day<333 love u MWAHH

tw// aftermath of severe depression, anxiety, huge existential crisis

It’s my last “young” milestone birthday. I can drink now. people my age will be having marriages soon. Maybe kids a little while later. People are graduating with degrees. People around me are rising high in their lives. something.

I can’t help but be nervous even though it’s not a competition- but it really is one in more than one aspect.

I feel I’ve done a lot more than previous years. But also I feel like I’m falling behind. I didn’t think I’d get here this far with how deep I was, but I’m scared of not getting there.

This year, I’ve learned how to drive after having a fear of driving. I’m taking medication for my depression, though not for my anxiety. I’m trying to reign in my poor lifelong physical health, and I’m trying to stay away from dairy after I realized it caused me more inflammation to drink it. I still work part time.

There’s a lot bad too. College is hard to do still for me to get even an AA with everything I need to do. Taking care of myself and loving myself is still hard. I feel like I can barely comfortably speak to others (or be accidentally rude and say too much) even though most times I feel like it’s driving me crazy not having others around.

No dates, no other milestones like first kisses, or loves… none of that. It’s too quiet at home, and I don’t have siblings. My friends irl and sometimes online feel like they are slipping away and I’m not sure how to tell them I feel this way. Sometimes I wish they got help or told me the truth, though this isn’t for every friend I talk to.

I wonder if I’m just boring or not funny at all, and really, I just make myself look stupid/naive. Or maybe I’m just so fucked up and in my own echo chambers that no one can really understand.

This is just the stuff I think about individually, anyway. Not going into the external stuff too much.

…I try not to think of the bad and inevitable the best I can… but these feelings are overwhelming and real in days like these. I haven’t really felt at peace with them even though I want to be. The pressure in my head when I think about these things suck ass.

Life is short, and mysteriously people not too much older than me are dying from cancer. I’m already predisposed to that. I want to be complete before I die and I feel like my time is running out. There’s so much I want to do still and I feel like I wasted my life away in high school.

…So, I have mixed feelings about this. My birthday isn’t anything special, but I feel like it should. Shouldn’t there be a giant celebration? I’m not sure how I’d go about it.

I wish I knew, knowing all of this. The only solaces I really have now that I know give me some sort of sense of progress are my own head and art. Or maybe it’s just validation from others.

I know maybe most people who would be living their lives wouldn’t be on sites like Tumblr. But it’s better than Twitter.

Whichever the case… happy birthday, everyone. Hope it’s a better one than my own out there. And even if it isn’t, I hope this post kind of… helps you not feel alone out there. 🎂

*for legal and safety purposes I am designating this as a work of fiction*

I am a woman in my mid 40’s. No I’m not a milf, I’ve never had children. If I can be honest without trying to sound dramatic: Ive never had much of anything.

The milestones that like has to offer, I’ve been unable to partake in any of them.

I am in a childless, loveless marriage that has worn me down to the point I am at today, nearly hopeless. I say nearly because if I were completely devoid of all feelings that there might be a chance for me, I would have been gone by now. I also wouldn’t be writing this I suppose.

What’s wrong with me: I am a queer woman forced into a straight marriage by a government that refused to acknowledge my disability. Did they force me to marry him? Not directly. Did they leave me no options and thereby facilitate the union of broken, desperate woman to an abusive, misogynistic man? I believe so. I also believe this happens every day in america. It’s as if it is beneficial to match women in need of help with men who would otherwise never have a mate. It calms the incels and gives them what they want, a human they can abuse and use for their own pleasure.

Call me crazy if you like. After 15 years of my husband’s mental, emotional and financial abuse I probably am a bit unstable. In fact I’m A LOT unstable, hence the wanting to say goodbye and all.

The Problem: I need help getting away from him. He makes decent money, to which I am entitled a portion if I can escape from him. The state I live in will divide assets and pay me a small amount of his income to live on besides what I might receive from liquidating assets. I would need to make it out. I have tried my therapist. Incredibly she has been of very little help. I finally told her so and dumped her. She’s had ample time to help me formulate a plan of escape and she’s done nothing. She doesn’t even read my messages! A therapist- that doesn’t read the messages of their suicidal patients. Like, what the fuck, lady?!

So, I need help escaping before I file for divorce. I need a place for me and my two dogs to go where he can’t find us. I need help physically moving myself and my things. Unfortunately I have a severe anxiety disorder and do not drive. My panic is so bad that I rarely ever leave the house. My only family are 1000+ miles away and they are old and disabled themselves.

I need a person or organization that has a small place for me to live while I sort this all out. There’s got to be places like this. I know because it’s exactly the kind of place I would create. A calm, quiet safe house with people who have been through the same issues and know how to navigate the system. Because the truth is, when leaving a dangerous man, there’s basically nothing that can stop him from trying to destroy me or the people and things I love. I only mention “things” because I don’t have much besides what I create, my art. He has already destroyed my biggest piece “accidentally” while doing a home repair job. Sure, I’d gladly give up all my paintings just to live but I truly shouldn’t have to.

For far, far too long women have be trampled upon as men go about each day. They only survive because of the back-breaking labor of women, in every sense of the word. Every man owes gratitude to a woman that nurtured him inside her body and gave him life. Instead they walk upon our backs each day as they go about their “business”.

I’ve gone off on a bit of a rant. To sum this all up: If you have any resources for a woman in my situation please share.

Lately I’ve been so bored and restless within the day to day, and I’ve been stressed with work and being behind on my workload and I’ve been disheartened and disappointed that I can’t get an assessment for ADHD to try and get help (and I’m STILL waiting for group CBT for low mood and coaching as the only things I can access to try to help)

All of this combined has lead me to lean on my coping skill of daydreaming fantasies and inserting myself in scenarios that don’t exist and that I’m currently obsessed with (I’ve been daydreaming that I’ve moved abroad and am living a different kind of life). But I’ve hit a point where I got too wrapped up in the daydreaming.

I apparently score as anxious on all the CBT pre-screening questions but I never felt worried or anxious, I was happy but just stressed with a dash of sadness because of feeling so incompetent at work. But in typical overthinking natural I’ve asked myself ‘am I anxious?’

And now I actually am. I’ve tricked myself into feeling waves of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I’ve been giving myself brushes of disappointment across my chest that weigh heavy on my lungs. And I’ve been ploughing through each day expressionless or masked with a smile, and the occasional burst of verbal hyperactivity, but have been plagued with underwhelm and disconnection. I’ve been craving something and I don’t know what it is, I need a focus and something exciting to motivate me through each day, but the more I live in this fantasy land in my head the more the logical side of my brain yells at me to return to reality. And then I become terrified of the crushing weight of disappointment, as I realise the things I daydream about will never happen. I’m breaking my own heart daily with the sudden and harsh snap back to reality as I yell to myself ‘it isn’t real!’, and then crush myself with the sadness that I’ll never achieve a life like my fantasies if I keep only living in fantasy.

My emotions are often intense and I don’t handle the big ones well. I’ve spent a lot of my life with depression and I escape to fantasy to cope, but anxiety? It’s not a feeling I’ve had a lot, I’ve had intense excitement that makes me stim (and I’ve always kinda hidden that), but anxiety is much less familiar. I logically know a lot about anxiety having worked in mental health before, but my stupid brain is hardwired to grab at quick fixes and instant results. I feel anxious today and I suddenly found myself rummaging through all my medications and herbal remedies seeking at johns wort or something similar and ended up taking out of date CBT drops in a desperate attempt to erase the feelings of anxiousness as my thoughts started to get louder. As I’m working and have a very strong moral compass I have just narrowly avoided the temptation to drink whiskey to get through the day and shut my mind up.

I thought maybe I’m just hungry and tried to eat only to find myself crying and shaking and hitting my own head over a bowl of salad. It’s a side of myself I don’t show people, nor do I admit to it either (until right now I guess).

I wonder if I’ll feel better by getting some tasks done at work as I’m meant to be WFH right now. But I kept getting the waves of dread and fear in my stomach making it even harder to ‘just push through’ the lack of focus I have. I feel like I’m going to keep having meltdowns until I can find a new thing to obsess over so I can push through the day masking as normal and typical and living for the moments in between where I live in a daydream. But as of right now I’m acutely aware I’m too emotionally attached to the daydream and I’m scared I’ll go crazy with heartbreak as I keep hitting myself with the reality that it’s not real and never will be.

A Letter to My (Former) Best Friend

So, I've decided against any private message, legal matters aside I'm still just overwhelmed this person would turn on me overnight. Everyone meaningful in the situation knows who I'm talking about. But this is a letter I wrote them on May 17, when they were really low and I was afraid of losing them to themselves. I'll let the rest of you decide if this sounds like someone who would encourage others to harm themselves. I'm still sick, I realize now that they were never really honest with me like they promised. That they were talking our private conversations and running to other people, twisting my words to them, and breeding hatred for me. I don't really understand why. I really would have done anything for them. I still have a hole inside me that will likely never go away now. And I just say anyone who trusts this person now, be careful because you're probably next.

I don’t honestly know if I’m helping you, or trying to get you to realize you’re not worthless is actually making you mad, and pushing you away. I know it's not what you want to hear when you’re feeling this way but it's true. You mean a lot to me, more than I can express, and I’m not going to give up on you because everyone else in your life makes you feel like garbage. I know it's only been since October since we really started talking, but like you expressed with Vil, you really have changed my life. I feel less alone than I did before, I finally have someone who gets what's going on in this crazy fucked up brain. Like I'm not as *broken* 

I’ve had a lot of people leave me too, and I know it's selfish but I can’t stand the thought of you leaving me too, especially because your brain is making you feel like you don’t deserve to be around. I don’t think I could handle it if that happened, I’ve been avoiding saying that because I..don’t want to try and guilt trip you, but I have to be honest. 

You’re brilliant and beautiful, and it kills me that you can’t see it. That other people in your life can’t see it. But I refuse to give up on the one person in this fucking hellhole that I can be myself around and be honest with. I am *not* leaving you. I’m not like the rest of those assholes, you have so much meaning and value to me I can’t even begin to find the right words. You are my best friend, the first person I’ve ever been able to say that confidently about. I know that may sound trivial but it's really not. I don’t make friends easily and even the ones I have IRL don’t really *get me* I’ve been told I’m too much, I’ve shut down talking about things I like because I’m overwhelming and drive them away. I can’t be me. I’m not afraid to admit I need you in my life. 

I’m sorry this is my own…self anxiety Idk? But I want to get this out, I’ve said bits of this over and over I know but. I wanted you to know that even if no one else does, there is someone out there that does care a lot about you. That would do damn near anything for you, and really truly does care. And you do deserve that, you deserve for everyone in your life to feel that way. And I’m just sorry that I can’t be enough.

July 15, 2023 1:46 am

It’s crazy to think that it has been about 4 years since I’ve written here. Reading all my other post before Covid and my struggles after my relationship with Catherine has really made me feel like I’m a completely different person. I know more now, but I feel like parts of me have been lost. I feel less optimistic about things, I rarely notice the good around me, or I’m constantly anxious for what’s going to happen while living with my current partner. There’s always something that I will apparently make her mad. I’m living my life feeling exhausted all the time from the worries, from work, from physical pain on my lower and upper back, mental exhaustion from my relationship - feeling like I’m always walking on eggshells, etc. Reading back, I surrounded myself with the people I needed when I was in my lowest. I found clarity and the will to move on forward from my depression and struggles. I felt confident that I could pull through. Nowadays, it feels like I could never get better. It’s crazy to think that few years apart would make you feel weaker and lower. I have to admit that my self-confidence has been low. I was able to manage to get some back, and then lose some. I find myself cowering behind my fear and addiction of nicotine and shopping. I don’t feel safe where I’m at in life currently.

Currently, after reading my old posts and journals, I feel sad and yet I feel a small amount of hope stirring in me. What I did for myself in the past is what got me through, not perfectly, but everything is a journey with failures. Failure is something I apparently don’t want to have my whole life. But I proved myself wrong in the past, I failed and tried and tried again. But what makes it different now that I can’t seem to get myself to just try? My old writings don’t seem like it’s me. I started to question if what I wrote was real. It might be real during that time, but I personally can’t remember the feeling nor my old self. It’s confusing to me that I wrote so much in such clarity. But now, I write and speak as if my mind is scattered or fragmented. I can rarely put thoughts together without struggling. I feel like I’ve become disabled.

The truth is, throughout these 4 years, I feel like my identity has been ripped apart, debunked, or invalidated. What I’ve done in the past to be a better person feels like it’s either nullified or deemed false. I can’t blame anyone but myself because I react to things in a manner that a mature person shouldn’t have. I don’t do the things I’ve done in the past either, whether that’s being open to new ideas, doing my hobbies, or even actively looking for something new for myself. Okay, at least not all of those are true anymore. I’ve become more open to new ideas and tried to establish new relationship and reestablish old ones. But the truth remains, I’m constantly anxious. Anxious about what? Anxious about the future, my finances, my life, my sanity. What do people say again about insanity? Something you do over and over again and expect the same result. But what am I doing now that I keep on doing and just getting the same failing result?

What I’m doing is living life in an anxious state. I’m anxious about my relationship, my finances, my future. My anxiety towards my relationship is simple. That my partner will get mad at me. Each and every time I feel it feels like my heart is going to rip apart because it beats so fast and irregular. My mind tells me I shouldn’t do wrong nor say anything wrong. That mindset has been holding me back. But even when I step out of that mindset, if I stand my ground, I have such few energy for myself to give. Truth is, I’m just fighting the inevitable. What’s going to happen is I’m going to mess up, I’m going to say the wrong things, and I just avoid doing so and that affects other parts of my life. I can’t live a worry-free life with a mindset like that. You disappoint people, and so what? It’s just a form of running away. But why do I run away? Why do I not have the energy to face my fears and struggles?

Frankly, I have to think about that question. My energy goes to worrying. Why do I worry so much? Is it because I feel trapped? Is it because I’m hiding the facts that I’m weak, that I spend my money on things I want and not save, is it because I’m not being honest to myself and others? If that’s the case, that’s a simple solution. Just be honest. I want things and I want new things, shiny toys, cool gadgets, be the coolest whatever it is out there. I turn my excitement about my hobbies or certain things I like into almost a boast without words. I don’t necessarily feel that way or think that way but it might as well be. But why do I do that specifically? Is it because I feel like I’m not being heard or is it the simple fact that I just don’t have any friends to talk about hobbies and connect with others my wants and needs? Maybe both.

The weird thing is, I feel constantly tired. Lack of better words. I’m physically and mentally exhausted to even set goals for myself. Everything feels like an after thought. Anxiety has taken over me even unconsciously. That’s exactly why I just can’t relax and do nothing. I always have to think about something or do something. The idea of having fun hasn’t been in my vocabulary for a long time now. What is fun? What do I think of fun? What do I do for fun? Fun is something I personally enjoy without thinking of what others think. Currently, I don’t have anything as such. Maybe there is one. Paracording. Why I find paracording fun is I can outlet my ideas into a tangible object that I find useful or just plainly cool. I don’t have to show anyone what I’ve created but I would be willing to tell them that this is what I find fun and a peaceful activity. How does it make me feel? I feel calm, composed, excited, and in the sliver of things, happy. It slows me down and helps me be patient. The older I grow, the more I like things that help me slow down, such as rock climbing. I haven’t climbed in a while, but I hold myself back from going there. I can just go by myself to be honest. I find cleaning fun, mainly because it helps me slow down and I like things to be organized. I like to play out bag packing situations, but honestly that can lead to some stress and overthinking and wanting to buy new things. But what else? What else is something that even when I’m physically and mentally tired, that I actually want to do or did do? One thing was playing music in the past. It relaxes me but I’ve grown anxious of people hearing me at night. Writing blogs like this was one thing also. Doom scrolling is obviously I should avoid.

This is obviously a lot to unload, but it gives me a sense of what I used to do and what helps me relay my thoughts to someone or to myself. It’s a form of journaling and it can get better over time. It has definitely exhaust me a bit to write about my feelings and thoughts after a really long time, but this can be a start. Maybe I’ll look back again on these posts and see how my life have become in the future. Current me: anxious, low confidence, no clear goals, barely any hobbies, and frankly, out of shape at 155 lbs. Hey, if you’re reading this from the future, I just internally laughed and felt a little hopeful for myself. I’m pretty sleepy now and it’s 2:37 am. I think it’s a good time to call it quits.

ED/SA TW

So like. I never considered it a “real” ED since whenever I felt like it I just stopped when I wanted and the reason I stopped the first time was bc I didn’t like the idea of my teeth rotting but yesterday I ate a shit ton of food that got me naseuous to the point of vomiting naturally and I can’t stop thinking abt it and it’s kinda worrying me?

Like I know I’ll never go back to binging and purging involuntarily and I’ll never HAVE to do it, but I’m starting to convince myself that it’ll be fine during BIG family meals or just if I eat too much sugar or whatever and I KNOW it’s not healthy and it’ll lead to more and more but it just sounds so logical in my brain rn.

I felt so relieved after throwing up yesterday bc I ate all that and faced no consequences? And I’m not worried I’ll do it again but I kind of am? Like I’m of the mindset that my eating won’t control me like before, I’m not trying to be skinnier or whatever it’s so that I can be healthy and chase that high again but it’s NOT healthy and calling it a high proves exactly that?? And whenever I eat anything all I can think is “is this enough? Am I justified in throwing it all up again? What excuse will I give my family this time?”

And idk like the idea that I KNOW I can stop is shit I’ve heard ppl use before, but I’ve done it before so I know I can but also did I really stop since I’m right back here again on ACCIDENT? How good is my control if I’m really fantasizing abt this again? If I don’t count it as an ED bc I can stop whenever but I DONT stop whenever is it still an ED? Idk if I’m self aware or delusional 😭

And idk if this is like a pattern with me or smth bc I just don’t “act traumatized” about certain things or I just kind of will issues away? Like I had every classic symptom of paranoia for YEARS, I thought the government was after me, I thought my family wanted me dead, that every single person was in on some conspiracy to lie to me and talk shit about me for reasons I couldn’t understand, and it was like a year ago that I told myself I sounded crazy and just stopped believing that? So was it valid in the first place? And to this day there’s some days where all those feelings and thoughts come back and I barely wanna talk to ppl lest they use whatever I say against me, but since it’s not all the time it doesn’t count?? I have every textbook symptom of anxiety but since I can push through it, it doesn’t matter? I was technically SA’d but besides some hypersexuality and the occasional existencial crisis there rlly is no effect on my day to day life?

ig my issue is that most of the time im fine so idk if it counts when im not, and when im not i can justify it to myself enough that it doesnt matter? so idk if im extremely self aware or being straight up delusional??? whatever bro this sucks