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spilledsinnamontea · 6 months

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Why do you think Levi only ever said Dedicate your heart to Hange?

What a surprise! Hello there anon!

Oh, I actually like this question very much >:D I’m sure there are many explanations out there by all the amazing people in the fandom regarding this topic. However, since you asked for my opinion, then I will gladly give my two cents regarding this topic.

Let's see if I can put my psychology degree to good use.

Disclaimer: since I'm a levihan slut, I'm sure you know what to expect from this. Also, English is not my first language, so please forgive me if you found any mistakes :D

First of all, we know that Levi had never said “Dedicate your heart” before (as suggested by Hange).

If that’s the case, then why did he never say that before? Well, I think it’s because he wasn’t your typical by-the-book soldier. Unlike most people in the corps, Levi joined under a special circumstance. We know that he didn’t voluntarily enlist himself as a trainee so he could join the Survey Corps and heroically save humanity from all the titans. Instead, he joined the corps because Erwin personally scouted him. Because of that, he didn't have any particular or specific reason to join it in the first place (unlike let’s say Eren or even Hange), he even planned on quitting the corps at one point. His reason for staying in the corps—other than his belief in Erwin—was just as simple as: “I like the fresh air of the outside world.”

EDIT: Okay, I just want to make myself clear. I'm not saying that his motivation in joining the corps was so shallow or even implying that he does not care a bit for humanity. He cares obviously, if he didn't then we would not have Captain Levi in our SNK story. What I meant by my statement above was to highlight how simple he was as a soldier. Like, he didn't need a grand motivation to join in the first place, because he just knew that staying in the corps was the good thing to do. He risked his life everyday in battles just for a simple wish of breathing the fresh air. He wanted the people in the wall to be free from the stinky air, because for him freedom is in the mundane things in life. To quote my other post: "His simplicity is what makes him kind."

Also, I made a follow-up post regarding my interpretation of Levi's character here. You don't have to read it, but if you want to know how I see Levi as a character, I hope that post can help.

But anyway, since he was scouted under a special condition (as well as having enormous strength as a soldier), I think he somehow had a privilege in the corps to fuck around and be as “disrespectful” as he wanted to be. Not to mention Erwin became a commander around a year after Levi joined, so my man was probably living his best nepotism/VIP life. Therefore, I would think that Levi wasn’t as strict with the rules as other soldiers. He wasn’t the kind of soldier who kept preaching about "dedicate your life" to others. He just came to work, did his job, and went home (just like me fr). I’m not saying he doesn’t care about humanity (he cares obviously) it’s just he doesn’t express it in a traditional soldier way.

No wonder we all were so surprised when he did say THAT WORDS to Hange. It wasn't like him at all. Even Hange was caught off guard by him saying it, right?

But then, this raises another question, why is it when he finally said it, he only said it to Hange? Why, for instance, he didn’t say it to Erwin? I mean, both Erwin and Hange went on a suicide mission. Moreover, out of all the people that we know in the story, we can see that Levi shares many significant moments in the narrative with these two. If that’s the case, then why did he say different things to each of them?

For me, the answer is quite simple, it’s because Levi is an empathetic person. Both “Give up on your dreams and die for us” and “Dedicate your heart” that he said to Erwin and Hange respectively were something that he believed they needed to hear at THAT moment. It was his last words for them right before they died, his last comfort.

He told Erwin to give up on his dreams and die because at that moment, when their troops were cornered by the beast titan, Erwin showed his vulnerable side to Levi. Erwin admitted that he actually had a plan (albeit a suicidal one for him and the rest of the soldiers) to defeat the beast titan but he withheld it at first because: 1) he didn’t want to die because he wanted to see the basement; and 2) he didn’t want to send any more soldiers into their death because he was being haunted by the ghost of the past soldiers who had dedicated their heart to his plan.

Therefore, Levi, out of his compassion for Erwin, took the burden of making that painful choice from Erwin’s hand. He even made a promise to kill the beast titan, as if to say that all of their death wouldn’t be in vain. He said it to make Erwin feel better, which is why Erwin smiled after Levi said that.

I think the same explanation can be said for Hange's situation. However, to understand why he only said “Dedicate your heart” to Hange, I think we need to talk about the nature of their relationship first. First of all, they were close friends, that is obvious. They had known each other for quite a long time and they had gone on many missions together (and survived), so their bond was strong. To quote Moblit from that one Smartpass AU he shares with Levi: “[Levi and Hange have] a special kind of bond from spending many years together. It’s something that Moblit didn't have with [Hange].”

Speaking of Levi, one of the things that I feel people tend to overlook from Levi is his caring nature. He cares for his squads, for humanity as a whole, and especially for his trusted comrades (e.g. Erwin and Hange). However, since he isn’t exactly a very eloquent person, he has a weird way of showing his affection, like when he told Erwin that he would break his legs so he didn't have to join the dangerous operation to retake Shiganshina. Fortunately, since Erwin knew Levi’s character, he understood the meaning behind his words. Although for most people, it was probably hard to tell.

Other than Erwin, the other person who could see Levi’s kindness was of course Hange—who also received a lot of care from Levi. It might be because of the nature of her job (getting too close to titans for her experiments + her role as a commander later) and because of her tendency to be a little bit reckless as well as forgetful of taking care of herself when excited (which was why she had Moblit by her side) that made Levi feel the need to pay a lot of attention to her.

And by a lot, I mean A LOT.

This is just my opinion, but in the canon, I noticed that Levi is actually the one who expresses or initiates a lot of actions toward Hange (believe me, my man is working overtime):

Asking about her new “hobby” in rocks (after Annie’s capture).

Noticing her distress after Pastor Nick’s death and trying to lift her spirit up.

Calming her down when she was upset at Keith Shadis when he finally told the truth about Grisha's past & his reason for leaving his commander position in Survey Corps.

Thinking about Hange’s safety during missions (after Bertholdt’s transformation in Shiganshina and when she was attacked by one of Kenny’s men in the Reiss Chapel).

Telling her to not touch some random things at the beach.

Telling Moblit to take care of Hange because he can't be always by her side (Smartpass AU)

Knocking Hange out to forcibly bathe her (Smartpass AU). Also, the way he worded it in a way that "yeah I don't like her filthiness when I'm off-duty, so I took it upon myself to clean her." I see you...

Levi saving Hange from being hit on the head by a bunch of books + telling her to change her wet clothes (Smartpass AU)

Well you get what I mean. Anyway—at least for me—he doesn’t seem to do this solely because of Hange’s lack of self-care. I think he shows a lot of care for Hange because she’s important to him, which is of course exacerbated when they became the last two veterans to survive after the operation to take back Shiganshina. After so much lost, he clearly saw her as the last person he’s close to. I mean, in one of the Smartpass AU, she was the first person that came to his mind when he was asked about his family.

Not only that, I think he generally likes Hange as a person because she saw him for who he truly was. Like, remember their first meeting, Hange was the only one who was willing to approach Levi (while everyone was sceptical of him) and she did it purely out of admiration. She genuinely was impressed by him and wanted to get to know him better. A gesture that might be alien to Levi, which explains why he was unsure at first about Hange, but it seemed after many missions together, Hange was eventually able to earn his trust. Hange became a person who could freely tease him (him being a clean freak + their poop jokes) as well as became a walking dictionary for him (the way she translates Levi's words to Eren).

On the other hand, contrary to Levi, I noticed that Hange tend to be more neutral with Levi. I’m not saying that Hange did not care for him. I mean, when she found his injured body, she became so protective of him that she willingly risked her life by jumping into the lake so she could save him.

There was also this one scene of her trying to comfort him when he learned that titans was actually a human. Moreover, she also considered him to be her closest friend in the Survey Corps.

I believe she rarely showed her caring side to him because she knew that he is a capable fellow, and so she didn’t think he needed her help in particular. I don't think she had ever think that this man, the strongest man in the world, would ever sustain a horrible injury or even die. Sadly, she thought wrong. When she found his injured and dying body (chapter 115), Hange had to face a horrible realisation that she could actually lose him.

Then, in chapter 126, we finally saw Hange taking care of Levi. She killed two soldiers to protect them. She also tended and healed his injury with so much care. In my opinion, being confronted by the mortality of the only person that she had left in the world, Hange most likely learned—the hard way—about how important Levi had actually become to her. Thus she was willing to do anything for him.

When this realisation mixed with her exhaustion from the war, she finally reached her breaking point. With no one but an unconscious Levi by her side, the passionate-happy-go-lucky researcher and the ever-so-composed commander of the Survey Corps found herself gradually letting down her guard to show her weakness, her feelings. In her vulnerability, she weakly expressed how she would rather live with him in the woods, away from the chaos outside. Like, can you believe this Hange, who always fought for humanity’s sake said, “Humanity be damned, I would rather spend the time I have left with you.”

I think this explains why her confession in chapter 126 caught us (the fandom) off guard, because not only it was out of character for her, but also for the first time, she showed her feelings to Levi.

Later we know that Levi heard about her “confession” but since he also knew that Hange would never ever run away, he instead encouraged her to do the things that she believed in, and that was to stop Eren from committing genocide. However, I think her words had never left him, even after they left the woods. Because as you can see in chapter 132, he somehow made a seemingly random remark to her about how her feelings are not always unrequited. As if he knew which feelings of her that is requited.

Consequently, we finally came to the big question. We see in chapter 132 that before Hange embarked on her suicide mission, Levi did something that was so out of character for him. He touched her heart and said, “Dedicate your heart”.

Why did he do this?

To repeat my answer above, it’s most likely because he knew that it was exactly the things that she needed to hear the most. So he said it out of empathy. But isn’t it too short or even too formal for a goodbye between two close friends? Well, we have to take into consideration that Hange could read Levi like a book (remember their iconic telepathy?). She could easily translate his roundabout words and expressions, thus he didn’t need to write an essay for her. Which is why “dedicate your heart” was more than enough for both of them.

Moreover, I also infer that the reason why he never said “Dedicate your heart” while he was a soldier before was because he probably thought that he didn't necessarily have to give his heart to the corps and humanity. Again, he didn't have a grand reason to fight in the first place, and so he just wanted to do what he thought was good: to lend all his strength to help humanity. Therefore, by saying it for the first time in front of her, he seemingly wanted to show her how important and special she was to him. As if he was saying that he wants to dedicate himself only to her.

Hence, his gesture and words to Hange combined with all the preceding events (especially events in chapters 126 and 132), I could say that behind those three words, he was actually telling her: “Hey, the things you said in the woods, it was not unrequited. I actually feel the same way as you. I want to live with you as well, which is why I don't want you to go. However, I know I can't stop you because you’ve dedicated your heart to the freedom of humanity. So, I’ll let you go, but before you go I want you to know that you’re the only person I’m dedicating my heart to. My heart is yours.”

I'm not Hange so I don't think my translation is accurate HAHA but that's how I see it.

In conclusion, Levi had only ever said Dedicate your heart to Hange because: 1) he knew it would make her feel better/happy and special; and 2) it was also his answer to her soliloquy in the woods (it was his way of telling her that they share mutual feelings).

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So yeah, that’s my opinion. I hope I was able to express myself clearly :D

Also, I can't believe you are asking me this, anon. No one ever asked me about my opinion before. Usually, people come for me for my silly fanfic(s) xD

ANYWAY, your question is very much appreciated! Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts regarding Levi, especially his relationship with Hange. This was fun to write (and research!), I really enjoyed the process!

Although it was a bit painful too tbh because I had to reopen my old wound by rereading chapters 126 and 132 :') You did it anon, you made me cry... at 12.30 AM T_T)b

#levihan #levi ackerman #hange zoe #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #asking for a tea #this ask really took me by surprise #I'm not sure why anon asked me this but hey I'm not complaining #I do actually enjoy writing essay but I have never wrote an essay this long for fictional characters xD #I hope my psych teachers in uni are proud of me #anyway I need 3-5 days to heal myself from the pain of chapter 126 and 132 #also sorry anon for the late reply #I've been kinda busy with my work lately so I had to write this in batches

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lit-in-thy-heart · 9 months

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been trying out a new writing technique recently and it's called chilling tf out and reminding myself that fic is written for fun.

#making a little joke but also being genuinely serious #with my merwaincelot wip i've embraced having little overviews in brackets for what i want to happen #but idk how to write it just yet #if i'm feeling stuck or bored #and if i'm getting tired or the idea of writing an ending is getting overwhelming then i just call it a day and do something else #and yeah it's taking longer to write things (perhaps gone are the days when i wrote and posted a fic in the same night)#but it's working wonders with my brain #and it's amazing how as soon as i relax i get hit with several new ideas #just trying to adjust my thinking in that projects over a long period of time are not something to worry about #like i'm also planning a knitting project that i'll be doing well into september #(mainly bc yarn is expensive and my needs are hella specific)#but that's okay!#not everything has to be done and dusted immediately!#i'm glad i took a break from writing and i think it did do me good but damn i'm happy to be back #and enjoy still learning how to get even more out of my hobby #but anyway i'm just feeling a lil proud of myself today so #lit talks #personal

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insatiablesonao3 · 3 months

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Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Supergirl (TV 2015) Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor Characters: Kara Danvers, Lena Luthor, Morgan Edge, Samantha "Sam" Arias, Jack Spheer Additional Tags: Valentine's Day, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Real Estate Broker Lena Luthor, High School Teacher Kara Danvers, Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Idiots in Love, Protective Kara Danvers, Jealous Kara Danvers, Horny Lena Luthor, Lesbian Lena Luthor, Useless Bisexual Kara Danvers, Sexual Tension, Slow Dancing, Fluff and Smut, Lesbian Sex, Love Confessions, I Wrote This While Listening to Hozier's Music, How Do I Tag, listen i have no shame, they fuck while fully clothed, to horny jail i go

Summary:

“I have to do a speech, Kara. You know how nervous those make me,” she said before taking a deep breath. “And Morgan Edge probably knew I was going to be the guest of honor, so he asked me to be his date to the ball, probably to try his best and steal the spotlight.”

Kara scrunched her nose. “You mean, that mid-fifties guy that’s been trying to get with you since you started gaining influence with L-Corp?”

“The one and only,” Lena confirmed. “Of course, I refused. I told him I already have a date.” When Kara questioningly quirked her eyebrows at her, Lena defeatedly threw her head back.

“You don’t have a date, do you?”

Kara suggests Lena brings her to her ball, they're both horny idiots that have been in love with each other for years, and they finally get some things out of their systems.

#supercorp fanfic #supercorp #supercorp smut #supercorp oneshot #i wrote this and i'm proud of it #i did this to challenge myself #also because i am a filthy queer bean #kara danvers #lena luthor #kara x lena

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jointherebellion215 · 1 month

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Almost finished with Part Three of my Feyd Trilogy

Should be posted in the next hour or two. It's looking like the darkest of the bunch, I fear...

#like psychologically I can't believe I wrote this #but I'm also kinda proud of myself #feyd rautha #feyd x reader #feyd rautha harkonnen #feyd rautha x you #feyd rautha x reader #feyd rautha fic #feyd rautha fanfic #dune 2 #dune 2 fanfic #dune fanfic

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revenantghost · 10 months

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Tell me your story, oh great infamous boob waffle...

#Trigun #TrigunBookclub #I almost wrote 'grate' but I restrained myself be proud of me #Also the yaoi proportions have reached critical mass #Girls you stumbled into the wrong genre I'm sorry

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oifaaa · 11 months

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Tim keeps writing self insert fics of himself so to fix that someone needs to start writing more fics with tim removed

Honestly need a new tag on ao3 that is just "there's no Tim drake in this I promise" that garentees that Tim drake doesn't show up at all even in passing just for me and all my other exhausted of sad boy Tim people

#ask #anon #I would write these fics myself #In fact I have #(I'm very proud of myself I've now wrote 5 fics and not a Tim in sight)#But bc I'm never gonna post my fics #Need a way to find other peoples fics #Who truly don't include him

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mybrainislostinagalaxyfarfaraway · 4 months

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Scars.

Clone troopers x female reader.

How they react when they notice a cut/new scar on your body.

Warnings: Small mentions of Bodily harm. (Usually just by accident or due to reader's clumsiness/or it was bound to happen on the battlefield. If it's triggering or if you're squeamish; feel free to skip.💛 Otherwise; proceed at your own risk.

Part One: Wolffe x female reader

It's been a while since you and Wolffe had had any time alone; so the two of you arranged to meet in a secluded area of the planet you were both currently stationed on.

You sat half perched, half leaning against and behind a rock formation that was large enough to keep the two of you out of earshot and prying eyes while the two of you uh 'caught up' with one another.

It must have been longer than you'd thought since the two of you had last seen each other because Wolffe was being almost uncharacteristically adorable, lavishing heart melting affection upon your hands by slowly turning them over in his and pressing kisses to every finger -until he abruptly stopped when he reached the pinky on your left hand.

"Oh? Now what happened here?" He wondered, a question in his eyes as he turned your hand towards you, displaying a rather deep and still angry looking cut on the side of your pinky finger.

"Oh. That's nothing. S'just a cut." You deflected; trying to remain casual about the whole thing although it had bled like a much larger wound when you'd initially gotten it and still hurt like the Dickens whenever you accidentally brushed or bumped it against anything.

"I can see that. You're cut right down past every layer of skin; how'd it happen? And why haven't you used bacta on it?" Wolffe asked, an odd mix of curiosity and incredulous interest upon his handsome face.

You sighed.

"Wolffe, it's Just a Cut. It's not that serious; really." You tried again; feeling embarrassed and silly about how you'd received such a minor wound.

Wolffe still looked at you expectantly; he wasn't going to let this go until you told him.

You blew out an exasperated breath.

"Ok, fine. I got it while I was testing out a new blade; I was careless and that was the result -?!!" You stopped talking abruptly when Wolffe started ever so lightly kissing near the wounded area of your pinky whilst leveling you with the most intense look that a man with such a gorgeous face should never make. (Because it was bad for your heart.)

"Never thought I'd get this turned on over 'just a little scratch'." He purred, the kisses he planted on your hands becoming more and more ardent. Your breath caught in your throat at his words; combined with his actions, heat blooming to life inside your abdomen and surging forth through your veins so fast it left you dizzy.

"W-Wolffe!?" Was all you could gasp out before he scooped you up and set you to sit upon a flat rock, his hands sliding sensually up your thighs; oh KRIFF you were so sensitive to his touch right now; had it really been that long?!

"Mmm~ Mesh'la." Wolffe rumbled; looking up at you, even his cybernetic eye seeming to blaze with unbridled desire for you.

He then proceeded to use his mouth and his fingers to show you just how much he'd missed you.

~To be continued~💛

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cowboyskeletons · 4 months

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and sparrow's son loves the world so much and loves everyone around him and how can sparrow tell him that the world is cruel? how can he tell him that love will be punished and that cruelty is the only way to survive? normal's love scares him, he loves his son so much but that love scares him. he would do and has done anything for his son but he knows that it has led to his own ruin. and he loves his son but too much love has only ever harmed him and maybe he can take a model from his own dad and multitask.

maybe he can love his son but he hates him too, hates that normal can love and hates that normal can be loved and hates that normal can be so oblivious to the cruelty around him in a way that he himself lost when the world ended. he wants his son to have everything but loathes that fact that normal'll never try. that he just accepts life as it is. the way his dad did, when sparrow saluted henry and went along with the world's end and turned a blind eye to his wife's infidelity.

he sees himself in normal, maybe. maybe he hates that. because he lost himself, that day he lost his father's care and his mother's respect, and he can't bear to see himself lost again. normal needs to be cruel because otherwise he will be crushed and sparrow can't do that again. can't let himself be crushed again.

#dndads #dndads spoilers #i guess?#i'm sorry this is basically an extension of another rant i did on discord. so some points may not make complete sense but #i am so-- [wait i can't say normal fuck] regular. about the oaks #can you tell i think about them? can you tell?? did the art not convince you???#sorry if this is incoherent i am supposed to be writing an essay due in an hour but instead i wrote this.#hashtag no beta (not even myself) we die like hermie #this mainly goes off of the most recent episode and when sparrow told normal he wasn't proud. that whole interaction #yet again the point turns incomprehensible halfway though but we stay silly #also “hate” really isn't the right word for what i meant?#like the strength of the word is #but the general sentiment is just left of hate.#idk man #can't stop thinking about them #asdfdhg edit because i just. wrote the wrong name for one of the sentences. oops

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insomnya777 · 16 days

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Just posted a boat boys Valentine's special!!!! Two months late or ten months early, depending on how you look at it. They watch The Notebook in it because that's my latest obsession. Read it on ao3

Description/summary:

Joel rolls his eyes. "You're such a dork." "Says the one forcing me to watch a movie just because he's in love with Ryan Gosling." OR: Etho gets to spend Valentine's Day with his situationship/crush/not-quite-boyfriend. He's not quite sure how he feels about it all.

#guys are you proud of me i wrote this post like a normal human being...#no caps lock or lowercase letters. i'm maturing. kinda #anyways this is a very fun one if i do say so myself #the title is from so american by olivia rodrigo because i love that song right now #first time posting something other than the superhero au in like two months let's see how it goes #😁😁#nya talks

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goldkirk · 3 months

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as I'm going back over my past history and items and journals and years, I come across all sorts of things, like the pencil I saved from that so-precious memory from second grade, and a pair of flip flops I've been missing for two years, and (tw for murder/crime/killings) the modern-high-school-AU-kidnapped-by-a-serial-killer story I wrote in late high school jdfsjdfsjkjlksfd

#i can't wait to find out what red flags I didn't see in my own self back when I last read this thing in 2015 hfdhfdhjsfd #also. there's gonna be like a good sentence here and there and then CRINGE. the whole rest of everything is just me still trying to copy th #breathing pace (essentially) and ways-of-describing-things of mainstream authors like I thought I was supposed to #so this'll be somewhat painful but also god what a joy and a gift and an honor and a delight to get to hold this close to my heart #and witness it with understanding and empathy and slow reflection and care like my past younger self deserves #i'm so lucky i'm alive to be here and do this #i'm so grateful i'm headed towards welcoming back and embracing the last little girl i was that still felt a lot of things #so excited for her focus and precision and tenacity and constant curious joy and movement to be back someday #i'm afraid people won't like the me i was before rule after rule and then dangers #but my god it'll feel so good to be the fully-flowing energy machine and dance and conduit again how will I have enough bother to care?#people who are good to each others' nervous systems cumulatively feel better and better #if i'm not good for you and yours then you really truly SHOULD go elsewhere and find someone who makes YOUR self feel right and light + war #anyway now that i wrote an essay in the tags as usual [nervous laughter]#personal #add to journal #words n rhythm #WHY DID I FEEL CAPABLE OF UNDERTAKING A STORY LIKE THIS #cradling my past self gently but also BANGING my HEAD against the WALL lmao #i'm proud of myself for writing and sharing this and its creative ideas. even if i don't like it now or feel ashamed or see mistakes.#anything. it mattered that it came to me and it mattered that i explored it and it mattered that i poured myself through it to help shape i #and it mattered that I left it on the internet so that now it still exists. i'm going to honor this story no matter what current me would #objectively think about it if it was written by anyone else.#this is a gift i give myself now.#this is a lot of what I learn and learn to do #trauma evolution #mosswrites

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coquelicoq · 6 months

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after spending the last week very stressed out and losing sleep over how much i regretted giving my number to a stranger, and after talking to several friends who all gave me the same very wise advice ("decide first what YOU want out of this and make decisions based on that" sounds obvious now but honestly blew my mind), i saw food truck man again today and he asked me if i have a boyfriend, told me he's all alone, hugged me twice, and tried to kiss me. i texted him after to be like just to be clear, i don't want a boyfriend, but i hope you find somebody! and he texted me back: i don't need a girlfriend. i'm married.

#AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA #i was actually so upset after he tried to kiss me. technically he did kiss me but not on the mouth because i would not turn my head lol #but i was like you know what i am an adult and i am going to be soooo mature right now. watch how mature i can be #and sent him this text #and then got that response and honestly now i feel a lot better about everything?? for some reason #i am not really understanding all of my reactions to this situation i need some time to process #but ultimately i have learned some new things about myself (or i probably will once i have processed lol)#and i'm actually quite proud of that text because i could have psyched myself out too much to send it #which i think would have just made me continue to be stressed about this #but i didn't!! i wrote it and i sent it and i didn't overthink it. yay me #sorry 2 everyone who wanted me to have a sexy time but it turns out i did not want to have a sexy time!#and i decided to take some advice that i should only do things i want to do <3 thank you to all my wise friends #it is a work in progress because he asked if he could hug me and i didn't really want to do that but i said okay #baby steps! working on it!#i feel insane though because i usually have a much easier time saying no than most people i know #so i don't know what's happening. it's because i gave him my number. i felt like by doing that i had consented to other things #but i hadn't. and even if i had i can withdraw consent at any time. yes. i do know this

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luthordamnvers · 1 year

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Feeling the weight of the sun (Here we come, blue and green)

[DEBS SUPERCORP AU] Complete: 8/8 - Words: 80936

Epilogue: Endgame

The six weeks after she was shot were almost unbearable. She wasn’t used to being cooped up in her apartment with nothing to do. She couldn’t work out, she was in pain, looking for stuff to eat in the cabinets was excruciating, and sometimes even walking from the bed to the living room left her gasping for air.

Alex was somehow both not home enough, going over all the documentation of the case, and being extremely overprotective of her, that sometimes Kara felt she couldn’t breathe because of it, either.

Kara used her time alone to really think about what she wanted to do with her life. In the middle of her breathing exercises, her mind traveled to an uncertain future, and all its possibilities. Could she stay in the DEO when everything has now been tainted by the actions of a few?

Continue reading on AO3 || From the start

#supercorp #supercorp fanfic #supergirl #kara danvers #lena luthor #supercorp fic #[10]#nicnic writes #debs SC AU #This took over a year to finish but i'm very proud of the entire journey. It was my first fic and i took the premise and ran with it.#I wrote the outline in jan. 2022. it took more time than expected #but the story remained the same. very proud of myself.

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hippogrifffeathers · 9 months

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Is This Seat Taken?

Ominis didn't usually mind History of Magic. Dull as it was, at least the class gave him a change to get some peaceful sleep for once. It was almost enough to make up for the stinging loneliness that came with the reminder that he was sitting alone, that nobody wanted to sit next to a Gaunt- nobody except Sebastian and once upon a time, Anne.

And maybe, in the light of a newly blossoming friendship, MC.

or, as usual, it's also on ao3!

It had been a small mercy that History of Magic classes didn’t start until after Halloween, something which all Hogwarts fifth-years would agree on.

Ominis had chosen the class under family expectations, and only tolerated it now due to the ease of the curriculum- and if he were being completely honest, the wealth of nap opportunities the lessons provided. Though, he could do without the demanding workload Binns assigned. One student could only take so many essays.

The chatter of the classroom greets Ominis as he crosses the threshold, full of usual pre-lesson complaints and friends trying to choose what table they want to claim for the rest of the school year. He pushes past it all, allowing it to become background noise.

That was another downside of History of Magic, sitting alone. It was one of the few classes he didn’t share with Sebastian, which left him sparse on people to sit with.

Solitude was hardly an unfamiliar shadow in Ominis’ footsteps, it had become something he’d grown used to quickly in his youth, trying to convince himself he preferred things this way. It was quiet, not isolating, he was just fine with the way things were.

The lie was easier to believe some times more than others.

Hearing the whispers of chatting classmates around him, knowing their giggles and scratches of quills on parchment were more from the exchanging of notes and games than focusing on Binn’s droning tone, wasn’t always easy to ignore- not against the pang of envy that he was particularly susceptible to in classes like this one. Times when reminders of his loneliness were forced to the forefront of his mind.

As classmates debate and disagree over which desk they want to claim for the rest of the school year, Ominis heads for the front of the room, settling for the desks to his immediate right. It made little difference to him where he sat, hardly as though he’d get any visual advantage, but given his unpopularity among his classmates Ominis had long since avoided more favourable tables when sitting on his own.

He goes through the motions of pulling out a quill and parchment, despite knowing they’ll go untouched for the next few hours as he drifts in and out of consciousness. Some rest was just about all he had to look forward to for the next few hours.

A familiar voice pulls him from his thoughts, someone who had stopped by his desk. His spine straightens.

“Ominis?” Soft and almost hesitant, in a way he wasn’t used to hearing from its normally assured owner, a rush of unexpected joy pulses through him as he recognises them, and his posture relaxes on reflex- MC, “Sorry, for bothering you I was just…is this seat taken?”

The unexpected line of question momentarily throws him off course, and a small laugh threatens to burst forth at their innocent inquiry.

With MC’s popularity, getting along with just about everyone in the school and the way they were excelling in all their classes, sometimes it was easy to forget this was their first year at Hogwarts. Then they asked something like that, and it was all too obvious.

“You’re not bothering me at all, MC,” He resists the urge to reach for his wand, catch a better understanding on how they were standing- or even, if there was anyone else in their company, “This seat’s free, why?”

A shuffle of shoes on stone, relief lacing their tone, “Oh good, I was hoping- I mean, if you’d not mind, if I could join you?”

A pulse of silence follows their question, Ominis finding himself momentarily lost for words, something that he found never happened, not to him.

Nobody ever wanted to sit next to Ominis Gaunt- a fact he’d become quickly familiar with in his first year. The only people who ever did sit with him were Sebastian and, once upon a time, Anne, sometimes even bickering over the seat in their early years. The occasional housemate might join him, if they were short on other choices.

But MC? MC, who Ominis knew had a wealth of friends in this class alone- many of which would be happy to offer MC a seat- and they wanted to sit with him?

Even despite their almost too-easy companionship recently, Ominis knew he’d made an awful first impression on them that first night by the Undercroft, snapping at them as he had, threatening their mentor- the fact they’d headed straight for him now, of all the choices they had, was almost too unrealistic to consider.

Too late, he realises MC has mistaken his silence for rejection, he can hear the rustle of fabric as they start to fidget, the disappointment underpinning their rushed retraction as they desperately try to redeem whatever moment MC seems to believe they’ve ruined, “I-if not I totally understand! I didn’t mean to impose, I can sit somewhere else-”

“No!” He hopes he doesn’t sound as awkwardly flustered as he feels, frantically interrupting MC’s rambles before they can make the mistake of thinking Ominis didn’t want them there, “I mean, I’d be happy for you to join me.” He emphasises his point by shuffling along the bench slightly, aware he’s been sitting closer to the middle of the table, an old habit.

“Oh, thank you!” His chest gives another pang at the relief in MC’s voice as they slide onto the seat next to him, their arms brushing slightly at the proximity. Neither of them move away, even as MC continues their chatter, and Ominis can’t quite believe their evident happiness is because of him, feeling a smile take over his expression as they talk, “It was a relief to see you here, if I’m honest, you didn’t mention you were taking History of Magic!”

The easy way they said it risks going straight to his head, he tries not to give that much attention. “Well, nor did you. History of Magic isn’t the most popular choice amongst our peers you know, I didn’t expect you to take it honestly.”

It was true, which maybe was blindsided of him. MC had taken to spellcasting like a niffler to treasure, everyone knew that, but proficiency in practical magic didn’t necessarily mean they wouldn’t be interested in the theoretical, too.

Their mentor is the Professor of Magical Theory, afterall.

“It wasn’t really my choice, the school board chose my classes for me.”

Ominis supposed that was another explanation.

“That sounds unfair.”

MC shrugged, “Looking back maybe it was, but I didn’t exactly have the knowledge to make an informed decision on my classes at the time anyway.”

“Well, while the class is incredibly dull, it is useful for getting into some N.E.W.T classes, as long as you don’t mind all the essays Binns tends to assign.” He can’t help the look of distaste at the reminder that he had another year of that to endure. Late nights alone in some corner of the common room, trying to force out several inches worth of facts on Goblin Rebellions, always made more difficult when he needed his wand to search the textbooks. It nearly doubled the amount of time he had to spend on the assignments compared to his peers, not that any of the staff seemed to care.

Sebastian would always help, where he could, but History of Magic wasn’t even his subject- it never felt fair asking his friend to help, no matter Sebastian’s fondness for learning.

And now between Sebastian’s own studies, and his questionable preoccupation with finding a cure for Anne, Ominis doubts Sebastian would even have the time to offer his help.

MC nudged his shoulder gently, pulling him from his spiralling thoughts, “Well, I suppose I’m lucky to have a friend to study with, in that case.”

Warmth spreading from where they had brushed against him, Ominis tried not to feel too excited by their words, the silent offer- or was it a request? Sometimes, it was hard to tell with MC, but their sentiment was not lost on him. The suggestion of the pair of them studying together for History of Magic, working on the same essays that had been such a burden on Ominis for years now, but instead in the warmth of company and even teamwork, was almost enough to make up for the hand cramps Binns’ essay length would inevitably cause.

“I believe that might be my line.” MC didn’t know quite how truthful his statement really was.

“Careful Ominis, I’ll hold you to that.” He could think of no other reply but a small chuckle, as though their companionship was something he might ever want to avoid.

Please do, he couldn’t help but urge, hoping they meant it. Perhaps it was pathetic of him, the surge of glee he felt at something so measly as the possibility of working together on homework, but with years of pushing through the exhausting subject alone, guilt-riddled whenever he asked Sebastian to help him find something in the textbooks, nobody could really blame him.

“What did you mean when you said this class was dull, anyway?”

“So, I take it nobody’s warned you?” That was definitely unfair, everyone deserves an advance warning about Binns’ teachings. If only to make sure they remembered to bring a pillow to class, “He’s hopeless, rambles on for the entire lesson and hardly even recognises students, let alone calls on them- I’d not worry about that though, most people just use it for napping or messing around, as long as you’re not too loud he won’t notice. Or care. Nobody’s sure which it is.”

“That sounds like such a waste.”

“Oh, so you’ll be paying attention then?” He grins, already knowing the answer.

“I never said that.” Their tone is equally as cheeky, punctuating it with a small laugh, “What about you then- you’re telling me that the ever perfect Ominis Gaunt naps in class?” He felt a flush of warmth flash across his face at their teasing, the ever perfect Ominis Gaunt-

“You expect me to get a full night's sleep in the same dorm room as Sebastian? The boy snores.” Not a complete lie, Sebastian did snore on occasion, it just wasn’t the reason Ominis struggled to sleep sometimes- but the jibe is enough to earn him another laugh out of MC.

“Oh no, he doesn’t!”

“Oh, he does.” Ominis grins at their obvious glee in teasing their mutual friend, even if Sebastian wasn’t here to defend himself, “I’ve considered casting silencio several times now, but I wouldn’t want to get predictable.” Or face retaliation.

He likes it, this easy conversation between them, the light jibes and laughter.

Despite their rocky start together, after that horrific night in the Scriptorium, he and MC had become closer; MC warmly greeted him whenever they crossed paths in the corridors, happily struck up conversation with Sebastian and Ominis outside of classrooms, but until now they’d never had any chances to talk where it was just them, without the buffer of their mutual friend. Now, with MC choosing to sit beside him, their conversation coming just as easy as it did whenever Sebastian was there, MC’s earlier words stuck in his mind, a surge of appreciation in his chest-

A friend.

MC considered him a friend. Not just ‘Sebastian’s tagalong’, or someone they talked to because it was convenient, but a friend, their friend.

There were only two other people in his life who had ever thought of Ominis as a friend, and now it was three.

Ominis wished he’d not been so harsh to MC that night by the Undercroft, so uncharacteristically emotional in the heat of the moment. It had been an impulsive lashing out that haunted him even more after the Scriptorium, when MC had defended him against Sebastian of all people- he knew what that must have taken, given the two were practically wrapped around each other’s wands these days, and still MC had taken Ominis’ side when Sebastian had wanted him to cast Crucio. Merlin, MC had all but demanded Sebastian cast it on them, just so neither Sebastian or Ominis would have to bear the torture curse themselves.

It was an act, a friendship, he still struggled to feel deserving of.

Even now, surrounded by classmates perfectly suitable for MC to sit with, others who MC knew and greeted warmly, it had been Ominis they made a beeline for when they entered the classroom, Ominis whose company they chose over everybody else.

He wished he was able to convey just how much that really meant to him, without sounding like a complete moonmind, or risk scaring one of the few friends he has off by being too attached.

For now, he’s content just knowing they chose his company even if he doesn’t understand why, but elects not to dwell on it any further, happy just to enjoy the mindless conversation with MC- drawn to an end only by the sudden wave of silence that sweeps through the room, followed by the familiar drawling tone of Professor Binns.

As if on conditioned reflex, Ominis’ eyes begin to feel heavy.

The only thing that snaps him out of it is a quiet groan from MC, who’d already made the rookie error of making an attempt to pay attention, “Goblin Rebellion?”

He leans towards the left, closer to MC and murmurs to them conspiratorially, “A Binns specialty, they’re practically all he talks about.”

MC groans again, “I’ve had enough of Goblin Rebellions for an entire lifetime, thanks.”

It’s fortunate they seemed to be complaining more to themselves than him, because Ominis didn’t know how to respond to that, nor did he like the uncomfortable reminder of the sorts of dangerous activities that (rumouredly) occupied MC’s spare time.

Still, MC had never made such a direct reference to it before, or at least- never to Ominis. They remained frustratingly tight-lipped about where they slipped off to after class, and what they discussed with Professor Fig- regardless of the whispers that followed them around the castle. Despite his urge to ask, to find out exactly what dangers MC was facing, Ominis knew the value of secrets better than most, had respected the privacy MC was so vehement about maintaining.

It only made their small admission all the more meaningful. The confirmation that they were involved in the recent Goblin Loyalist action, and the fact they trusted Ominis with that information, however vague, knowing he wouldn’t push them.

Like they hadn’t pushed him when he brought up his family.

The pair fell into the same silence as the rest of the class after that, the dull tone of Professor Binns washing them into the arms of lethargy, the ghost none the wiser about the slipping attentions of his students.

Predictably, the sounds of whispered giggles and scratching quills echo from behind Ominis- a sound he knows by now is not the sign of a diligent student, but one proposing some game on parchment, or passing along a note.

The pang of loneliness he’s so used to following after the sound never arrives, instead all he feels is the familiar edgings of exhaustion pulling at his eyes, any thoughts drifting far away to the tune of Binns’ mindless droning lecture, the scratching of quills on parchment, and the occasional whisper of a student all creating a harmonic lullaby which he had no interest in denying.

Going to lift his left hand, ready to settle in for a couple of hours of dreamless sleep, he almost jolts violently as a pressure falls atop of the outstretched limb, heavy, but not crushingly so.

His brain catches up to him before Ominis reaches for his wand, filling in the gaps with soft hair tickling the exposed parts of his wrist, familiar breaths that now sound deeper and closer than before.

MC had fallen asleep.

MC had fallen asleep, right next to Ominis.

Well, basically on top of him, if the weight on his arm was anything to go by.

His initial alarm is quickly replaced by a surge of affection, and another of deep surprise. For as tired as he often was, Ominis had only fallen on top of someone four times in his life. Once on each of his best friends, and twice on his Aunt Noctua. It was just about the most vulnerable position to put yourself in, willing to let your guard down completely around that person and place faith that they won’t betray that in any way.

Then here was MC, who hadn’t hesitated to use him as their makeshift pillow as they succumbed to the throes of sleep.

Him. Ominis Gaunt.

He almost can’t believe it, and wonders if he’s been dreaming up a positive History of Magic class this entire time, because at least that would be easier to believe.

For a moment, a stab of disappointment hits him as he realises MC probably only fell asleep on him by accident, not realising how close they were- but, he supposes MC could easily have leaned the other way, and they hadn’t. Just as easily as MC could have chosen any other table in the classroom to sit at, yet they’d chosen Ominis’- even though he’d chosen what was arguably the worst spot in the room.

If it had been difficult before, now it was nearly impossible to fight the smile that tugs at his lips- an expression that’s rare for him, especially these days, he notes with a pang of silly delight.

Just as quickly, his moment of warmth is ruined by a sharp spike of concern, as he notes the way MC hadn’t so much as stirred when Ominis almost pulled away from them in his earlier alarm. MC had fallen asleep faster than Ominis, which was no minor feat- he was at least self-aware enough to admit that much.

Their fatigue is too reminiscent of his own, something he wouldn’t wish on anyone.

How much sleep were they getting at night, Ominis couldn’t help but worry.

Rumours of their escapades outside of the castle had only grown in frequency over recent weeks, between that and their undeniably demanding schoolwork, where does MC find the time to rest. Merlin, do they even allow themselves to rest?

A trickle of insecurity bled through his concern…Was it even Ominis’ place to ask?

Conflict raged within him, the want to ensure MC was taking care of themself, that his friend was alright, versus the fear of overstepping and pushing MC away in the process. Their friendship was new, despite the turmoil it had already endured, and he wasn’t quite ready to test its boundaries.

The idea came to him immediately.

He could ask Sebastian. His friend had many fine qualities, but Sebastian had never been great with boundaries- not where worry for the people he cared about was concerned. It was an endearing enough trait, when it wasn’t pissing him off, or worse yet, exposing his secrets to other people.

Resolved to casually investigate the matter later, Ominis allowed his lingering concern to fade to the back of his mind. MC was resting now, and he knew better than anyone that naps in the History of Magic classroom were always peaceful and empty of dreams. They’d rest well here.

And so would he.

Exhaustion was becoming too hard to resist, and with Binns well and truly lost in droning details and stories, it wasn’t as though they’d be getting up any time soon. The slow blinks of his eyes were becoming longer and more frequent, and as his head drops sharply with a fractional loss of consciousness, Ominis finally gives in to the urging pull of sleep, bolstered by the comforting weighted presence at his arm. To his sleepy mind, it feels all too close to an invite.

Logically, he should rest his head on his right hand instead, since MC was resting on his left and he didn’t have the heart to move them. It wouldn’t be fair for him to disturb them like that, that was all.

(It had nothing to do with the fact the pressure on his arm felt so warm and comforting. Nothing to do with the easy way MC was touching him, that physical contact between them a presence he was so unused to but deeply appreciated. Privately, he couldn’t help but wonder if he’d sleep all the better for it)

He’s too tired to think so pragmatically, for once he just wanted to do what felt natural, without overthinking it- to give in to the natural lean of his body, even as it sways him to the left, resting atop of MC.

Head cushioned by the fabric of their hood, as he easily fits to the junction of their shoulder, suddenly greeted by a wave of them- the faint smell of their shampoo, smooth material of new robes that hadn’t yet endured the might of a Hogwarts school year, and the slow beat of their heart, just audible over the muffle of robes and the droning of their Professor.

It lulls him to rest, not even realising as his breathing and MC’s effortlessly become synchronised, as the sweet pull of sleep finally getting the better of Ominis, along with a comfort he hadn’t felt in some time.

History of Magic wouldn’t be so bad, if he had this to look forward to in the future.

#hogwarts legacy #my fics #ominis gaunt #hogwarts legacy mc #thrilled to announce i wrote this fic instead of editing the EXACT SAME FIC as i was procrastinating on editing last time #i'm not proud of myself okay #avalanche studios gave us (1) class interaction with ominis and we're all RUNNING with it and i loved that for this fandom #also yES i know HoM is a mandatory class BUT I'D FORGOTTEN WHEN I WAS WRITING IT and i'll be honest i'm far too lazy to change it #i'm lucky if i grammar check you think i'm gonna do a RE-WRITE???

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applestorms · 1 year

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i'm in a bit of a john mood atm, so i wanted to write a post about some of the things that i think fanon gets wrong about him. the biggest thing is that imo a lot of people flatten john a ton in considering him the poster child for Homestuck™ as a story, which sucks because i think it should go the opposite way around. he's the prototype kid, yes, but that just means his unique traits have interesting implications for the rest of the story and homestuck's core themes, not that he doesnt have any unique traits to begin with. john informs homestuck of its themes, the story doesn't inform him of his character traits; sburb gives him the kernelsprite, but he & his friends are the ones doing the prototyping.

so, then, what are those character traits? who is john as a person and how does that inform the story as a whole?

TL;DR: if jade's overarching story arc is about the struggle of loneliness & isolation, john's is about the feeling of falling behind your peers, which is why i think his ending the story depressed works so well

trapped in the s(u)burbs

okay, argument: SBURB is clearly pronounced "sss-burb," like suburb but skipping over the first u. when the kids enter the session they are basically trapped in the world of the game until they can beat it and make the new universe -> they are trapped in the s(u)burbs -> they are home, stuck.

this is a weird line of thought but it's kinda interesting to go through the ways that the (human) kids are trapped in their homes, both physically and emotionally. rose is stuck in that she lives seemingly in the middle of fuckin' nowhere surrounded by a forest, dave is stuck in his apartment due to being watched by an abusive parent, and jade, jake, roxy, & dirk are all stuck in the middle of the ocean. john (and jane) however? they're just in the suburbs.

idk how much this cultural context translates to people living in other countries, but john & jane's original neighborhood is the fucking Epitome of modern american suburbia. i cannot emphasize enough just how much i fucking despise neighborhoods like this: sprawling and empty, they are a modern labyrinth to navigate. every single house looks like it was copy and pasted one spot over, the streets are all named the same thing but with slight differences ("Bluejay Road" vs. "Bluejay Lane" vs "Bluebird Court" HELL), driving through them is agony and walking is impossible. my dad pointed out to me one time that every single house looks like it was painted with a different shade of baby shit and he was correct. and this is not even mentioning the people that live there: i don't want to overgeneralize too much, but these houses are usually pretty big and the fact that they're supposed to be a "safer" place to raise kids makes them decently expensive, so these places are generally very white, very upper-middle class, and you can just. Feel It in the air

so this is where john starts his story. the page (A1:82) was one of the first things that caught my eye when reading homestuck originally, even as a dumb little preteen the age of the characters themselves with barely any greater social consciousness. john starts the story fucking around in his room, talking to all of his friends online, and who could ever blame him when it's such an american wasteland outside. not to get too far into my opinions on american architecture, but if you live anywhere in the united states and ESPECIALLY the suburbs you are basically trapped in the house until you can get your license at 16, transportation entirely at the whims of where your parents can/want to drive you. it makes sense, then, that john's aspect is breath and so heavily tied to transportation, a desire to get out and moving and interacting with the world. the sick irony of sburb, imo, is how that desire is later twisted against him.

when john first enters the session, meteors are beginning to destroy the world and the rest of the entire human population of earth. but to a kid for whom the entire world feels so far away and empty, how much does that really matter? especially when your internet friends, the few people you actually care about, are just going to enter the same game and escape along with you. speaking of,

2. social anxiety & internet friends

one thing i really like about the alpha kids is the fact that you can kinda reverse engineer them and their core character traits from the beta kids, which actually still works within the logic of canon if you consider their biological relationships. not only do the alphas and betas share chumhandle initials, but the person they share with is also the person they are most similar to across generational lines:

rose & dirk are both anal retentive motherfuckers + rose's interest in psychology informs dirk's interest in philosophy/old greek dudes, roxy & dave care about their friends to a fault and serve their needs constantly (emotionally vs. practically, maybe; and also maybe are in love with all their friends to some degree or another too?), jane & jade both have ties with their respective universe-iteration's first guardian and are mentally separated from everyone else at the start of their arcs (jane by not believing roxy and jade by getting prospit visions).

imo rose & dirk have the strongest connection and jade & jane the weakest, and each kid is also pretty unique on their own + informed by their more direct familial relationship too, but i think the chumhandle connection is key in understanding how the characters were initially created in terms of basic personalities, likes, dislikes, etc. since it fits with the stacking nature of how homestuck as a whole functions, both as a story and a world.

so: john & jake. i think fandom has actually done a good job with learning how to appreciate jake better in recent years by figuring out just how much of a persona he puts on to hide his intelligence, but since this is a john post, what's really interesting to me is how that might inform the way we view john.

to start, there are some really obvious connections between john & jake that are as clear as jake's first letter to john (A4:1955): both like pretty shitty movies, are allergic to peanuts, and they're practically identical in terms of appearance. what i see as the key connection however, which informs the entirety of homestuck's medium, is their shared social anxiety.

jake is a very socially anxious dude. all of the alphas are characterized by their inability to communicate and navigate interpersonal relationships, but this is especially true for jake, and i think the most obvious evidence for this is in the specific kind of character that he creates for himself. while realistically we know that jake spends most of his time (pre-brobot, at least) watching movies alone in his room, he specifically likes to take on the persona of an adventurous, extroverted action hero, charming and gentlemanly and generally a dumb jock. it's the dumb part that's important here: jake pretends to be a dumbass himbo so that when he fucks up and hurts people when he manipulates them into doing what he wants, he doesn't have to shoulder as much guilt/blame. he plays up being stupid specifically to avoid the agony of people being mad at him, caring way too much about other people's opinions (A6A2:4587). it's why the trickster arc is so painful for him, and also why he is so non-confrontational.

john is also pretty socially anxious, though i think it's a lot more subtle for him since john's upbeat personality isn't entirely a facade in the way that it is for jake. the most obvious evidence for this is again the fact that he only talks to, like, three people online and his dad. despite being 13, none of these kids ever mention jack shit about school or the other members of humanity about to be murdered by meteors from their own game, and i think that's more than just a necessity of the story considering how much homestuck seems to value realism (at least in terms of characters' emotional reactions & arc). john's dad (as pipefan413) clearly knows the neighbors since in the serious business chatting app you can see fedorafreak & the others also talking about escaping meteors, but the existence of any other kids in the neighborhood is unknown, though i would think likely considering john's early arc is set up to be as normal as possible to set up for the crazy bullshit later. (there's also the whole thing about john's peanut allergy + fear of the "peanut gallery" so)

since homestuck tells almost its entire story through the chatlogs of awkward teenagers, this is one key place where i think john's personality informs homestuck: namely, in its focus on isolation, loneliness, and growing up. SPEAKING OF,

3. childhood ignorance

jake isn't dumb, john isn't dumb, but why do so many people think that they are? for jake it's pretty clearly cause he wants it that way, but for john... i think it's cause he kind of. is? but also, he isn't. let me explain:

john often comes across to me as the most 13 year old 13 year old in the cast of homestuck. he's a sweet kid and intelligent enough for his age, but when that age is 13, there's not necessarily a lot there. john has also had the closest (closest. there's still a lot of weird shit there) thing to a Normal™ childhood out of the entire cast of homestuck (and yes that includes jane, she was the heiress to a corporate empire avoiding assassination attempts at 16, please don't call that shit normal), meaning that, in my opinion, a lot of his (lack of) maturity can be attributed to growing up pretty sheltered. where dave and rose had to contend with overt childhood abuse through toxic/neglectful parents, and even jade had to deal with a dog-parent & dead grandpa, john got a dad that actually cared about him.

this is not a bad thing in and of itself, but john being sheltered does mean that by the time they are actually entering the game and interacting with all these other worlds & alien peoples, he is imbued with a certain distinct ignorance of the greater world that becomes a very significant weakness in a story fucking dripping with semi-omniscient narrators that live to make you suffer. and, from the way he scribbles on the walls (A3:1049), this is something john is both aware of and frustrated with, calling himself a FOOL, tying to the tarot card (#1, his role as protagonist), the harlequin thing (clowns & their incredible pull on the meta of homestuck), & his anxieties (feeling ignorant & out of your depth stepping out of childhood into a world much broader and more complex and cruel than you're prepared for)

4. not a homosexual

i think i'm gonna run out of space here, so i'm just gonna copy & paste some hussie commentary here & maybe reblog this w/ some analysis of john & karkat's dynamic/parallels as "leaders" later (and maybe some june thoughts too):

5. successfully saved the world: the hero is depressed

okay, so earlier in part 1 i ended with a question:

but to a kid for whom the entire world feels so far away and empty, how much does that really matter?

i mostly left the answer to this implied earlier since it made more sense for the transition, but i think homestuck proper does give us an answer to this: it does matter! it just isn't until the end of the story, after they've won the game and finished the session, that it really starts to set in the extent of what they've lost.

so this entire post was largely motivated by another post i read earlier, which questioned why john in the snapchat credits didn't just go to live with the crockers. i gave a long ass commentary in the notes on that post, but my conclusion was basically this: john is depressed (!!!) and depression makes you apathetic & lose all motivation to do anything.

i've focused a lot on john's early life and the beginning of the story in this post, which is maybe in part because i've been rereading from the beginning recently, but also because john kind of loses touch with everyone else in the story as soon as he enters the session.

i think this is often read as just being a product of john's classpect, heir of breath. john doesn't just inherit breath when he godtiers, he also becomes it in a very literal sense (can't fucking find the page where he transforms into wind but ugh, whatever), so he when he literally loses touch with the reality of the story after gaining his retcon powers, it follows with the thematic concept of him being breath. this isn't bad, but i think it also goes further, again connecting with that idea that john is basically the "main character" of homestuck, which is actually a very unfortunate title as it means john in particular gets very wrapped up sburb & the story as a whole in a very literal sense. again: retcon powers.

for all my frustrations with the execution of the retcon, i can't deny that it makes a shit ton of sense for john to get those kinds of powers, since his character and position as the starting kid has always been so closely entwined with the story of homestuck as a whole (see: the entire rest of this post). it also ties back to that idea of john being particularly vulnerable as a naive kid in a world of maliciously omniscient characters (e.g. doc scratch, but also vriska/terezi & all of the trolls to some degree), puppetted around by the story and slowly losing all connections with "reality" and the rest of the cast (his friends!!)

you know all those scenes where john starts interacting w/ the shittily-drawn caliborn versions of all his friends? (or this page: (A6I5:6207)) that has always come across as kind of sad to me, because it feels representative of john's (lack of) connections to his friends by that point in the story. he gets so swept up in Plot Bullshit that he basically loses most of the contact he has w/ the people that were his closest friends for years (ik people hate inversion theory but he & karkat really are complementary in some ways), and that loss of connection just exacerbates his previous anxieties about being ignorant. the conversation between him, dave, & karkat on the meteor is really revealing of this (A6A6I5:7487). where dave & karkat & everyone else got three years to sort through their shit together, john was getting dragged off to make the story make sense again, technically completely losing everyone he had known and grown up with. it's not just that dad crocker is different: everyone is different.

(this also has the kind of even more depressing alternate implication that john doesn't even really get the chance to feel that difference outside of jade, since he wasn't able to connect with "his" original dave, rose, etc. in the pre-retcon timeline regardless. great!)

john's depression has always been one of my favorite parts of his character arc tbh, which ig is a weird thing to say, but it just makes so much sense to me as the next step in his story, if not the true conclusion. it's only after winning the game that john really starts to catch up with everyone else in terms of maturity and understanding, and by that point, when everyone already feels so far ahead, how could he possibly catch up? (the answer is that he can, just not alone, but it is that exact feeling of not being able to that makes him isolate in the first place. depression is a fucking shithole)

so much of homestuck is about loneliness, but in turn so much of homestuck is also about social connections, about the people around you that you love and care about and change your life. where karkat is able to heal the connections of the people around him by helping them through their interpersonal relationship bullshit, john gets caught in the wind of the plot and loses his connections, thus losing his ability to really mature as a person at the same rate as everyone else (not to mention how he might've felt behind in the first place). but still, even w/ john's arc ending on a heavy, perhaps unsatisfying note at the end of homestuck proper, i like to think there's still a lot of hope for him: after all, his dearest friends and family are all right there. he just needs to get off his ass and start talking to them.

(sidenote: while editing this part of the post, i suddenly realized just how sad it is that karkat and john talk so goddamn little in all of the post-canon shit. which fucking sucks actually because karkat would be the perfect person to yell at someone until they finally get off their ass and start trying to be a person again, exactly what john needs after the game imho. pumpkin route you are forming in my mind)

uhh anyways, i don't know how good of a job i did at tying this post back to my original goal, but if you read this far, thank you. i have been typing nonstop for like four straight hours (ᵃⁿᵈ ᵗʰᶦʳᵗᵉᵉⁿ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢˀ) and i think my right ring finger is about to fall off.

bonus: 6. john is hussie???

OKAY, actual finale, this is quick and dumb but this idea comes pretty much entirely from a couple random lines of hussie commentary from a john & dave conversation on (A2:324):

John makes some pretty sassy quips here. I like the "15th day in a row" line, which makes sense since I was the one who actually said it in a real conversation about this.

most people make the connection between hussie & dave (& dirk, i suppose) since dave's sense of humor is basically just unfiltered hussie, but this comment makes me wonder what was put into john too (though i suppose you could consider all fictional characters imbued with some aspect of their author). i'm not super into psychoanalyzing hussie as a person through homestuck itself, but if you're into that, here ya go.

#the one thing this post is missing is the significance of john's movie taste #but unfortunately i think i'm too young and i grew up on basically none of that shit so :skull:#someone else is gonna have to make up for that #hs #astronaut rambles #super long post #wrote this while procrastinating an actual essay are you proud of me #i like john if you couldn't tell i vibe with june a lot #probably cause i kinda physically look like her + peanut allergy lol #and her childhood is vaguely similar..... idk i just get the arc kinda #shoutout to the homestuck wiki btw #saved my ass #i wrote this all in one sitting and now i kinda hate myself for it #fingers hurt #homestuck #john egbert #The John Post #update: edited!

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lenievi · 1 year

Text

“Jim.”

The man stepped down from the transporter pad, and the Captain moved toward him, embracing him in his arms with a pleased, “Bones.”

Spock clasped his hands behind his back, straightening. The hug lasted eight seconds. It seemed a bit excessive.

When the Captain told him that the new ship’s surgeon was his personal friend for many years, Spock’s first thought was to tell him that he considered it a bad idea. Surrounding oneself with close friends on a mission where anything could happen, where their lives were in danger every day, did not seem very logical. He said nothing and hoped the doctor’s fate would not follow the one of Gary Mitchell, which hurt the Captain deeply.

“Captain. The way you let Doctor McCoy act toward you is disrespectful and improper,” Spock said two weeks later during one of their chess matches.

The Captain blinked at him. “Improper?”

“He questions your authority, never addresses you properly, and you yourself allow it with the use of the overfamiliar moniker.”

The Captain continued watching him with a baffled expression, mouthing “overfamiliar moniker”.

“Furthermore, the crew started to question the nature of your relationship.”

“And we can’t have that, can we, Mister Spock?”

Spock understood the words as humorous, but the Captain’s eyes weren’t laughing.

The next time Doctor McCoy visited the bridge, the Captain greeted him with, “Hey, Doc.”

It felt somewhat mocking, and Spock could not shake off the impression that McCoy was glaring at Spock’s back, trying to burn a hole there.

He refused to turn around.

“Jim, they won’t hurt the doctor.”

The Captain stopped pacing. “I thought you said the use of my first name was improper and disrespectful.”

“I did not say that… exactly.”

“You sound like McCoy now.”

“There is no reason to be insulting, Captain.”

The Captain sighed. “Look, Spock. I don’t know what your problem with McCoy is…”

“There is no problem, sir. The Doctor’s behavior simply does not fit a Starfleet vessel and can cause distraction.”

“Did it cause a distraction?”

“Not yet,” Spock conceded.

“When…” The Captain cleared his throat. “When McCoy comes back, the next time he’s on the bridge, watch the crew, Mister Spock.”

Spock did as told.

McCoy did not only speak to the Captain. He’d stop at Lieutenant Uhura’s panel to talk to her, leaving her smiling. He’d ask Lieutenant Sulu about one of his many hobbies. He’d talk to everyone, addressing all of them by their names, leaving them relaxed and more open to joking with each other during the long voyages from one place to another that humans tended to find tedious and tiring.

It reminded him of Captain Pike, who’d take that role on himself. Perhaps the last year and two months at Kirk’s side made him forget something important.

McCoy would talk to everyone but Spock.

“Any time you can bluff me, Doctor!”

Spock turned toward the captain’s chair. The whole bridge was looking at Kirk in confusion and bewilderment. Spock wasn’t petty enough to remind the captain that this was what he’d meant when he talked about distractions.

He could tell the Captain understood anyway.

And to Spock’s surprise, so did McCoy. His demeanor deflated, and he oozed embarrassment, moving away from the chair, subdued, his hands curled into fists.

And yet, Kirk and McCoy’s uncommon disagreement turned out not to be a distraction at all. Somehow, it gave the Captain an idea. An absurd, illogical idea. But as Spock learned during his time serving with Kirk, sometimes it took such an idea to get them out of a predicament.

“However, it was well played,” Spock acknowledged, and in order to further lighten the mood on the bridge, he continued, “I regret not having learned more about this Balok. In some manner, he was reminiscent of my father.”

“Then may heaven have helped your mother,” Scott quipped.

“Quite the contrary. She considered herself a very fortunate Earth woman.”

Perhaps he did judge the nature of Kirk and McCoy’s friendship wrong, he thought as he watched McCoy step close to Kirk and touch his arm in apology.

“Doc… sorry,” Kirk said, and Spock wondered if the moniker “Bones” would ever make a reappearance.

When McCoy invited him for a group poker a few days later, Spock did not refuse.

He wisely didn’t react after Kirk kept calling McCoy “Bones” throughout the game. After the fifth time, he caught McCoy’s exasperated look.

Maybe the two of them could find an understanding.

#star trek tos #spock #jim kirk #leonard mccoy #my writing #look i'm proud of myself for writing this within a couple of hours without questioning anything - this is raw me lol #i just wrote whatever and kept going #it's also not edited #which should be the next step but...#james t kirk #you can probably read this as pre #spones #i guess #it’s not far away from the way i typically imagine their beginnings in fics #or just purely gen #(or if you want to imagine mccoy and kirk in a secret relationship you can do that too lol)

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