#i wonder if she wrote a song or two about travis
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She had us all fooled. She had to know she was tricking us.
#taylor swift#the tortured poets department#reputation#reputation taylor’s version#reputation tv#oh well#another time#i did not expect that#she would#announce her 11th album#during the eras tour#but she did#i wonder if she wrote a song or two about travis
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Up All Night-Travis Konecny
@natbarzal @anastasiyaigorevnadobrodevskaya @jonnytoews19
Wow I can’t believe how amazing you’ve all been! Thank you so much for your continued support, I’m having a lot of fun writing them!
So here we go: Blurb number 5 of the Up All Night series! I wrote this before I found out the TK is going to be a dad and it feels a little weird now but oh well! I hope you enjoy!
It feels like we've been living in fast forward, another moment passing by. The party's ending but it's now or never. Nobody's going home tonight.
Travis loves nights like this. Good music, beers, and just being with his friends. Tonight is the perfect example of Travis’ personal paradise. The stars out, a fire burning, and all his friends being together worry free for the night.
It is nearing 2 am, but no one seems to be in a hurry to leave. In fact Travis is sure he will just crash here, as will most of the guests. You however, are just arriving. Having worked late, you weren’t even sure you were going to show up at all. Though when you received a snap from your best friend a few hours ago with a certain someone smiling in the background, you knew you had to go.
You haven’t seen Travis since last summer, and this is nothing new. He comes home a couple months a year, and spends the rest of it in Philly. Yet every year when Travis shows up, so do your feelings for him. Not that Travis knows it, but it kills you every time you see him. What can you say? You’re a sucker for punishment. So when Travis’ eyes meet yours across the yard and he smiles brightly at you, you know you aren’t going home tonight.
Katy Perry's on replay, she's on replay, DJ got the floor to shake, the floor to shake, people going all the way, yeah, all the way
Katy Perry is blasting through the speakers, and the base shakes the deck beneath you. “Who is in charge of the music anyway? What is this 2012?” Travis grumbles beside you, and you can’t help the giggle that escapes you. Travis smirks proudly at his ability to pull that sound from you. It is one of his favourite sounds, and he hates how long it’s been since he’s heard it.
“Trav, not everyone thinks every song needs to be about hunting, fishing, and women.” You chirp, and he laughs shaking his head. He is leaning against the railing beside you, looking out over the party. As he takes a sip of his beer, you can’t seem to pull your eyes away from him. He’s beautiful, in the most chaotic way. Turning his head, Travis catches you staring and winks at you. Your face immediately burns in embarrassment, and you turn away from him quickly pretending to be interested in the party happening around you. You don’t notice the smile that spreads across Travis’ face, and now he’s the one that can’t take his eyes off you.
“Why is it that every one of these parties ends up like this?” You sigh, face scrunching in disgust. Travis sends you a curious look, obviously not understanding what you’re talking about. “At a certain point every time, everyone seems to pair off with someone and stick their tongues down each other’s throats. It’s repulsive!” You complain, and Travis laughs loudly.
You send him a glare, and he throws his hands up in defence. “They’re just having fun Y/n/n.” He says, and you scoff at him rolling your eyes. “Oh I see! Someone’s jealous.” The smirk that seemingly never leaves his face, grows even more.
“Of what? Meaningless hookups? Absolutely not!” You roll your eyes sighing dramatically and falling into the deck chair behind you. Travis nods, dropping into the chair next to yours.
“I don’t know. Is it really meaningless?” He mutters quietly, and you shrug at him.
I'm still wide awake. I wanna stay up all night, and jump around until we see the sun
“Shouldn’t you be going to bed?” Travis chirps you after listening to you yawn for the tenth time in as many minutes.
The simple answer was absolutely. You were exhausted after a long day at work, but you didn’t want to leave Travis. Who knows how long it’d be before you got to spend time with him again? So instead you answer teasingly, “And miss out on the party? I think not! Besides, then who would you have to keep you entertained?”
“Good point. But I’d survive, don’t stay up for me.” He smiles softly over at you.
“I’m not staying up for you!” You lie, cheeks heating up again. “I’m staying up to see the sun!”
I wanna stay up all night, and find a girl, and tell her she's the one
“You ever wonder what life would be like if you hadn’t become an NHL star?” You ask after another few moments of sitting in comfortable silence. Travis turns in his chair so he’s facing you, as his face twists in contemplation.
“I’ve thought about it yeah.” He says after a moment. You smile at him, ignoring the urge to slide into his lap and just stay there.
“And what does that look like?” You ask, turning to face him leaning forward and resting your elbows on your knees. Travis chuckles at the level of excitement in your eyes.
“Well, I imagine I’d be here and not in Philly. Doing this exact thing I’m sure, partying with all my friends, but I could do it all the time instead of just over the summers. I’d like to have a nice home, a nice job, and settling down with ‘the one’. Y’know?” You’re so lost in him that you almost didn’t even realize he stopped talking. The truth is you did know. You knew exactly what he meant, because it’s what you wanted.
“That does sound ideal.” You nod, and before you can even stop yourself you ask him the question you’re dying to know the answer to. “So what are they like? ‘The one’ I mean.”
Travis’ eyes bore into your own with an intensity that the two of you have never shared. It’s like he’s trying to communicate the answer without speaking, but you just can’t quite grasp it. “Well,” he speaks after a moment, eyes dropping to where he picks at the label on his beer bottle. “I always pictured they’d be caring, hardworking, and smart. They’d have y/e/c eyes, and y/h/c hair. Oh and how could I forget they’d have my favourite laugh in the whole world.” Travis is blushing now, and your eyes are watering. He couldn’t be talking about you, Travis didn’t think about you that way. Right?
Hold on to the feeling, and don't let it go, 'cause we got the floor now. Get out of control
“I see you over thinking.” Travis says after a moment of you just sitting there in silence, and he smiles when he hears some stupid country love song coming through the speakers. He stands up holding his hand out for you. “Let’s just dance, and hold onto tonight. We don’t get to spend time together very often, and I don’t want to waste it okay?”
You nod, placing your now shaking hand in his. He grins down at you as he pulls you up to your feet and into his chest. You try your best to fight of the giddy feeling in your stomach, because you know this can’t last. In a few short weeks Travis will be gone back to Philly, and this, whatever this is, will be over. So you place your head on his shoulder as the two of you sway back and forth to some stupid country song.
You stay like that until you can see the first signs of the sun making it’s appearance for the day. “I lied you know.” You whisper, and Travis leans back slightly, so he can look down at you. “Earlier when I said I was staying up to see the sun and not you. I lied, I was staying up to be with you.”
#Up All Night-Series#travis konecny#travis konecny x reader#Travis Konecny fanfiction#travis konecny imagine#nhl imagine#nhl imagines#nhl fanfic#nhl fan fiction#nhl fanfiction#hockey imagine#hockey imagines#hockey fanfic#hockey fan fiction#hockey fanfiction
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ok so here it is!! i spent the last week solely making and listening to this playlist like i was POSSESED because this ship is lovely and deserved a nice playlist!
if anyone wants to know why i picked each song, i’m going to ramble about it extensively in the read more, so check that out if you want! hope you enjoy it!
also thanks again to @birbwell for letting me use her art for the cover!
i divided this playlist in a few sections so let’s start with the first one
(section one: first meeting/pining)
i. in the rain - joe hisaishi
i wanted to start with a short instrumental track to set the mood, and i looooove howl’s moving castle score, so i had to pick this one! the fact that it has rain in the title also helps to reference how their relationship began!
ii. with every breath i take - frank sinatra
“every breath that I take
is a prayer that i’ll make you mine”
my sister is a big sinatra/jazz fan (and also a yakuza fan) so she helped me with picking a few of the songs here! this one is very romantic, elegant and beautiful and i thought it fit the mood (and it’s what i think tachibana listens to in his free time lmao).
iii. gold rush - taylor swift
“what must it be like to grow up that beautiful?
with your hair falling into place like dominoes
my mind turns your life into folklore
i can't dare to dream about you anymore”
this one is my FAVORITE song on this playlist, and one of the first i picked because this song just fits them like a glove. it’s basically pining 101, and i love that what taylor said this song is about “daydreaming about someone then snapping out of it.”
i feel like the first part could be from tachibana’s perspective and the second one from kiryu’s (also giving a bit of a glimpse into the future, with the mention of a coastal town they’ll never find together)
iv. first love/late spring - mitski
“so please, hurry, leave me, i can't breathe
please don't say you love me
mune ga hachikire-sōde (my heart seems like it’s going to burst)”
this one was another song i picked very early on because i love mitski, and i needed to include her here. i just wanted something to symbolize the trust that tachibana and kiryu have to share to work together, and the feelings that emerge from it, if that makes any sense. i don’t think this has a specific perspective, because i feel like this could work from both kiryu’s and tachibana’s (mostly kiryu though)
v. real estate - adam melchor
“every time I wonder
how i'd carry on without you
i'm runnin' out of real estate
tryna make all the right moves
i don't wanna hesitate
i would bet the house on you “
do you UNDERSTAND how satisfying it was to find a song named real estate for them?? come ooon. ok that’s not all of my reasoning for it but it’s like. most of it, lmao
another song i felt was about trust and feelings. (also a bit of a glimpse into the future, because i’m sad)
vi. i get a kick out of you - ella fitzgerald
“i get no kick from champagne
mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all
so tell me why should it be true
that i get a kick out of you?”
another one my sister recommended. i originally was gonna go with sinatra’s version of this, but i love this one and it just wouldn’t leave my brain. again, one from mostly tachibana’s perspective, get this man to sing this on karaoke night right now.
vii. like real people do - hozier
“i will not ask you where you came from
i would not ask and neither would you
honey, just put your sweet lips on my lips
we could just kiss like real people do”
this is one of my all time favorites from hozier and, again, it just fit perfectly. tachibana and kiryu have both lived some very... troubled lives so far, and while they’re depending on this trust they have in eachother, none of them really care to know about what they’ve done or who they are. this is mostly from kiryu’s perspective, specially with this metaphor of being rescued/dug up from the earth with the whole being found in the rain and saved by tachibana and his poor driving skills.
viii. delicate - taylor swift
“this ain't for the best
my reputation's never been worse, so you must like me for me...
we can't make any promises now, can we, babe?
but you can make me a drink”
y’all are going to have to forgive me for picking TWO taylor swift songs but COME OOOON this is another one that i picked early on because i could draw so many parallels between the lyrics and things that they both said in that car scene on chapter 9 (mostly tachibana though) and i kept harassing my sister with screenshots to prove my point and i’m gonna do it again
ANYWAYS i’ve made my case, and now we enter the second section of the playlist at last
( section 2: actual romantic/fluffy songs because this is a ship playlist)
i. good old-fashioned lover boy - queen
“dining at the ritz we'll meet at nine
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 o'clock) precisely
i will pay the bill, you taste the wine
driving back in style
in my saloon will do quite nicely
just take me back to yours
that will be fine”
is this a bit of a cliché? yes. did i want to include it because it’s very cute and i’d like to imagine kiryu and tachibana having a nice date night with no people trying to kill them all the time? also yes. i love this song.
ii. stay with me/mayonaka no door - miki matsuraba
“you in your gray jacket
with that oh-so-familiar coffee stain
just as you always are
the two of us reflect in the window display
stay with me
knocking on midnight's door
i beg you not to go home tonight”
(translated lyrics)
is anyone not obsessed with this song lately? this is the only song here i’m blaming tiktok for making me listen to it lol. in any way, this song is deceptive because it sounds really happy but is actually quite melancholic. i thought it fit their relationship well, and it seemed like a good addition to the playlist with it’s 80′s city pop vibes.
iii. on melancholy hill - gorillaz (covered by matt forbes)
“just looking out on the day of another dream
where you can't get what you want, but you can get me
so let's set out to sea, love
'cause you are my medicine when you're close to me"
this is a gorillaz song but i went with this cover because it fit the feeling of the playlist a little better. another song that i just love very deeply and i thought fit the sentiment of kiryu being like “hey i know we have Big problems and you’re very sad in the moment but i’m here for you”
iv. (i love you) for sentimental reasons - nat king cole
"i think of you every morning
dream of you every night
darling, i'm never lonely
whenever you are in sight"
surprisingly, not one that my sister recommended, but one i found for myself while looking for quiet romantic songs. i feel like this is tachibana's reply to kiryu being there for him and helping him. plus, idk i just wanted to imagine them slow dancing to this.
v. positions - ariana grande (covered by travis atreo)
"perfect, perfect
you're too good to be true
but I get tired of runnin', fuck it
now, i’m runnin' with you"
i picked this cover because i felt like using ariana's one would be a little goofy for this section lmao, but i really like this song and how it's about commitment and doing everything to make a relationship work. i just wanted to throw some sexy vibes before this playlist delved into depressing stuff. also if you telling me tachibana wouldn't absolute body a tiktok set to this song you're lying to yourself.
(section 3: oh no this is getting sad)
i. forever - labrinth
"i'll live forever"
i love everything labrinth makes, the euphoria soundtrack lives in my mind rent free and this is my favorite one. this barely has any lyrics so, again, mostly a track i picked for its intrumentals and feeling overall. mostly preparing you for the sad stuff ahead.
ii. hong kong - gorillaz
"you swallow me
i'm a pill on your tongue
here on the nineteenth floor
the neon lights make me calm"
this is my favorite gorillaz song, by FAR, and i think it's introspective vibe really fits tachibana's character. not really a song about relationship but i really wanted to include it because it's just such a GORGEOUS song.
iii. fragments - severon
another instrumental track! this one i stole from a playlist my sister made for a fic i wrote last year. again. sad vibes.
iv. sign of the times - harry styles (covered by LANY)
"remember everything will be alright
we can meet again somewhere
somewhere far away from here"
i loved the synth-y vibe this cover had, while still keeping this song's sad "our lives are dangerous and i'm about to die" vibes. i mostly wanted to evoke the vibe from the scene where tachibana agrees to go with lao gui after kiryu gets shot. just really sad all around.
v. so close - jon mclaughlin
"we're so close to reaching that famous happy end
almost believing this one's not pretend
let's go on dreaming though we know we are
so close, so close, and still so far"
me? picking a song from disney's enchanted??? for a playlist??? it's more likely than you think. idk this song just gives me that vibe of being so close to being happy and together, almost reminiscing and wondering what could have been. but it just... won't happen.
vi. as the world caves in - matt maltese
"yes, it's you i welcome death with
as the world, as the world caves in"
oops, yes, i had to go there. just couldn't resist including this song, and i feel like it's really self-explanatory.
vii. places we won't walk - bruno major
"neon lights shine bold and bright
buildings grow to dizzy heights
people come alive at night
in places we won't walk"
again, i feel like this song speaks for itself. a bit of a meditation on kiryu's perspective on things that could have happened, things they would have done, that kiryu will just have to do alone from now on.
viii. carry me out - mitski
"i drive when it rains
at night, when it rains, i drive
and the headlight spirits
they lead me down the styx
so black it shines
and carry me out
carry me out"
possibly the saddest and the most powerful song in this playlist, because i just had to put a mitski song again. the image of kiryu carrying tachibana's body is just constantly in my mind when i listen to this, but i could also see this song being from the perspective of tachibana's spirit.
ix. arms tonite - mother mother
"i died in your arms tonight
i slipped through into the afterlife
it was nice"
lmao this felt a bit like a cruel joke to include, but i didn't want this playlist to end TOO depressingly. it's a nod to tachibana dying in kiryu's arms, sure, but also it's romantic and possibly a little hopeful (tachibana lives au!!! orpheus and eurydice au!!! fuck it, idk!!)
xi. everybody wants to rule the world - tears for fears
"there's a room where the light won't find you
holding hands while the walls come tumbling down
when they do, i'll be right behind you
so glad we've almost made it
so sad they had to fade it
everybody wants to rule the world"
not a recommendation from my sister, but it is her favorite song, and she was happy that i included it. another 80's bop with sad lyrics! i feel like this is a lovely summary of their story together and it feels like a nice little bow to wrap up the playlist.
i hope you enjoyed my long ass explanations! i might add songs later (or make an entire second playlist altogether for the fic i'm writing rn, but let's not get ahead of ourselves)
#tachikiryu#yakuza#ryu ga gotoku#kazuma kiryu#tetsu tachibana#playlist#audio#THIS IS SUCH A LONG POST I CAN'T BELIEVE I WROTE ALL THIS ARRRRGH#praying this shows up in the tags lmao
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ride or die playlist
by @pixeljazzy and @zigtheeortega
so after pj made this post, and was encouraged by @choicesarehard to make a playlist for rodaw, i reached out to her and we decided to collab! this is a comprehensive playlist, with explanations for each song. some being the lyrics fit really well, but others are because the vibe fits the characters (in our opinion), not necessarily the song meaning.
putting the song explanations under the cut, since it’ll be long! songs picked by pj have [p] next to it and mine have [j] next to it! hope you enjoy it!
Logan
What You Know Bout Love, Pop Smoke [p]
I had to apply the pressure, ‘cause you my hidden treasure / I think I’m falling in love
Are we surprised this song is first? C’mon now. Anyway, literally when I heard it for the first time, I was like this is the love song that I could see someone just vibing to in a car with their partner, at a house party in the corner serenading their boo, etc. and then BOOM a vision of Hieron and Logan in a car appeared because I could totally see this as their vibe. Just the thought of Logan rapping this line to Hieron clears my skin.
[p.s. pj wrote a fic based on this song and it’s perfect you should read it]
The Way, Trippie Redd ft. Russ [p]
We’re lost but, babe, we found the way
Because Logan and MC are two teens are a mess lowkey and don’t know what they want from life quite yet but they know they got it together.
Think About Me, dvsn [p]
This song is just radiating Logan and MC parting ways vibes
FIND MY WAY, DaBaby [p]
I feel like as Logan is driving away from MC to god knows where, this is something he’d definitely drive to
Seasons, 6lack ft. Khalid [p]
You’re lucky the greatest thing I can do is marry you / ‘cause if I could, I’d spill my blood
I absolutely adore this slow, chill song, and feel like this is something MC and Logan would be listening to as they unwind in their loft, and with the favorite line, I think it encapsulates how much Logan truly loves and would do anything for MC
Idfc, blackbear [p]
This is giving me Logan vibes after the reveal where MC leaves the shop and he’s just reeling in his emotions and feelings and is just purely in his bag thinking about everything
Hide, Juice WRLD ft. Seezyn [p]
Really think I found my home, shorty made me feel at home
Think I met my soulmate, yeah, I know it
Dusk Till Dawn, ZAYN ft. Sia [p]
But you’ll never be alone / I’ll be with you from dusk till dawn / I’ll be with you from dusk till dawn / Baby, I’m right here
This song hurts me so so much but it’s giving me MC sleeping on Logan’s chest type of vibes while he’s up because he can’t sleep and he’ . Also reminds me of Logan because we all know that infamous line “I was just a rock in space lucky enough to burn up in your atmosphere for a moment,” and I feel like this was an unspoken if you look to the stars you’ll know I’m always with you type beat.
Fool In Love, Rihanna [p]
Mama, I found a man / who loves me and understands / papa, he’s quite a man / he adores me, he’s my biggest fan
Okay so y’all remember how MC was having a mini identity crisis and didn’t know which version of herself she was? And Logan was listening and understanding and processing everything she was ranting about but in the end was just like no matter which one you decide, I like all of you? Yeah, that. Along with him just supporting her whenever he can, even though sometimes it can be overbearing, and him just loving watching her change and grow before his eyes (even though we not gonna mention the part of him that doesn’t love that change, feeling guilty for the person she’s becoming and how it could change her life, and the initial intentions he had although how he feels now is genuine) is literally what I think about with these lines
And don’t get me wrong, I know he’s not perfect in your eyes / but somehow he’s flawless in mine
Papa, did I let you down? / Are you ashamed of how your little girl turned out?
This is the lyric that really gets me because one of the things I loved about Ride or Die was the complicated relationship MC had with her father as it was something that resonated so strongly with me. So this one right here really just encapsulates an aspect of that because when MC’s on her this is who I am now and I know you resent that because he genuinely is so hurt and in shock of how his girl changed before his eyes, beyond the reigns of control that he once had, and he can’t do anything else but process and accept that his little girl isn’t so little anymore, rolling around with the people he tried so hard to keep her away from.
Roll Dice, Roddy Rich [j]
I seen the Reap’ come / Live my life I had to roll dice / Been through strife, my heart is cold as ice
I’m a star, I’m just hidden in the low light
Pretty explanatory, considering Logan’s been through a considerable amount of situations that put him in harm’s way and he’s come out stronger (and considerably more detached) each time.
Story Of Us, Tinashe [j]
Yeah, you’re the prince of my heart / And now there ain’t no way they can keep us apart, keep us apart
This song reminds me of Logan and MC a lot because it’s an optimistic take on their relationship as a whole and the sad ending.
You Know That I Love You, Donnell Jones [j]
You know that I love you / And that ain’t gon’ change / And though you’re not here with me now / My love for you stays the same
I think Logan would listen to R&B, specifically sappy 90’s R&B, and this line reminds me of them perfectly. I mean just listen to it, it’s perfect.
My Favorite Part, Mac Miller & Ariana Grande [j]
Said, you just don’t know how beautiful you are / And baby that’s my favorite part / You walk around so clueless to it all / Like nobody gonna break your heart
Said, the universe couldn’t keep us apart / Why would it even try?
Before things come together, they have to fall apart
Logan says from the get go that he thinks it’s wild that MC is modest and that he’s surprised she hadn’t gotten a lot of attention from guys. The other song lyrics I mentioned remind me a lot of their separation.
Colt
Me And My Girlfriend, Tupac Shakur [j]
Lost in the whirlwind, ninety-six, Bonnie and Clyde / Me and my girlfriend, do one-eighty-five when we ride
All I need in this life of sin, is me and my girlfriend / Down to ride to the bloody end, just me and my girlfriend
So it’s canon that Colt likes West Coast rap – and this song absolutely embodies Colt’s musical interests and his relationship with MC. He wouldn’t admit it out loud but he definitely heard this song and thought of MC.
Something Special, Pop Smoke [p]
I think you’re something special / I’ll take you on a shopping spree
We all know Colt is the king of LA and can definitely buy him and MC anything they want, also the “her father the police” verse quite literally hit the nail on the head
Martin & Gina, Polo G [p]
He was playing games / Got you dancing in the middle of the club
At first, saw this as a Logan and MC song to listen to in the car, but if you’re like me and was romancing Logan but danced in the club with Colt because Logan was being distant, the lyrics just do it for me
Hit ‘Em Up, Tupac Shakur [p]
You couldn’t tell us Colt wouldn’t love this song, we’re not accepting criticism at this time
Pulling Me Back, Chingy ft. Tyrese [j]
Every time I try to leave / Something keeps pulling me back, me back / Telling me I need you in my life / It was meant to be / You were meant for me / So that means we gotta make it work
This song reminds me a lot of Colt’s feelings towards MC, because in the lyrics they’re not mentioning they necessarily love her, they’re just gravitating towards her, realizing they need her. And that’s exactly how Colt works through his feelings.
Loveeeeeee Song, Rihanna ft. Future [j]
Boy lately, you been stingy with your time / Got me wondering, I’m wondering if I’m on your mind / Boy I just wanna be in your possession / You say I’m the one you want so come express it
Yeah, we all know Colt wasn’t straightforward with his feelings but is more prone to expressing himself physically, and I think this song feels like a confession of her own qualms with him but recognizing that she’s alright with him being physical over verbal. Honestly it’s probably not that deep but this song reminds me of Colt x MC so much.
Complicated, Rihanna [j]
Why is everything with you so complicated / Why do you make it hard to love you / Oh I hate it / ‘Cause if you really wanna be alone / I, will throw my hands up ‘Cause baby I tried
God this whole song is Colt and MC all over because he’s so wishy washy and doesn’t express himself properly.
90210, Travis Scott [j]
I think Colt and Logan would bump this and that’s my only reasoning.
Changed Up, Rae Sremmurd [j]
I think Logan and Colt both alike would bump this in their car and maybe relate to the lyrics and the general vibe of it.
Demons and Angels, A Boogie With a Hoodie ft. Juice WRLD [p]
I’m from the West Side, know not to play with us, yeah
I think I’m addicted to this lifestyle, I swear
Colt is quite literally from the West Side, and the ‘I think I’m addicted to this lifestyle’ line is what really stood out to me because Colt wanted nothing than to be a part of his father’s life and legacy, and Kaneko wanted to keep that separate from him because he knew Colt would be all in.
Run This Town, Jay-Z ft. Rihanna [p]
Does this need an explanation because you already know Colt is running the fuck outta LA thank you for tuning in
Mona
Ungodly Hour, Chloe x Halle [j]
You know that I’ve, I heard it all before / You’re hesitant, wish you could give me more
I don’t have the time / To teach you how to love all over again / Now let me ask you this / Are you giving all that you could give?
This is Mona and MC all over. She was clear about being hurt by an ex, and that it was hard for her to open up to MC in the first place, let alone fall for her. So this is like a confessional from MC to Mona.
Te Amo, Rihanna [j]
Then she said Te amo, then she put her hand around my waist / I told her no, she cried Te amo / I told her I’m not gonna run away, but let me go / My soul is awry and without asking why / I said Te amo
The lyrics are sad but this reminds me of Mona and MC, too. There’s a lot of push and pull with Mona, so I think this describes their back and forth so well.
Scared of Love, Juice WRLD [p]
Not scared to love, just scared of love
I initially put this in the Logan section, but I think it’s more fitting for Mona because she put up these walls to avoid putting herself at risk in the process of giving someone her all after the last girl played her, but underneath it all, she’s still capable to love even though she may think she’s undeserving of it from MC or that love in itself is a scam.
ball w/o you, 21 Savage [p] [and j bc our minds are linked]
I’d rather have loyalty than love / ‘Cause love don’t really mean jack / See love is just a feeling / You can love somebody and still stab them in they back
This is giving me Mona and her ex vibes, and just how Mona is a very everyone for themselves type of person so she has no problem balling by herself because that’s what she expects in the end.
Escape, Akon and Wizkid [p]
We can run away / so far away, escape
Oh, my baby, oh, baby / I would never let you go
Okay I know our songs for Mona have been sad lately, but this reminds me of them because Mona said MC would be hard asf to forget and I already know MC is scrambling to find a solution, a possibility, where Mona didn’t have to go to jail and they’d be able to be together, hence ‘escape’.
Escape, Kehlani [p]
Strange for me to wanna love someone / Who’s better by themselves
‘Cause I can’t let you lose yourself, looking for me / And I can’t let you make me your, your everything
I know you see this escape theme I’m on here LMFAOO but I think this is in Mona’s perspective about MC because she’s like MC is a goody two shoes, new to this life, etc. just overall someone with a better future than me and I don’t wanna mess that up for them (hence the I’m dangerous and pushing her away in the beginning and all the warnings).
Acquainted, The Weeknd [p]
Baby, you’re no good / Cause they warned me ‘bout your type girl, I’ve been ducking left and right
To say that we’re in love is dangerous / But girl I’m so glad we’re acquainted
Can’t Remember to Forget You, Shakira ft. Rihanna [p and j]
I can’t remember to forget you / I keep forgetting I should let you go
“You’re gonna be damn hard to forget.”
This is so Mona because it’s both flexible in meaning with her ex and MC.
MC
Don’t Make It Harder On Me, Chloe x Halle [j]
If you keep acting so sweet / I might just wake up and leave / This boy that I pinky swore / We’d be together for sure / I can’t be thinking of you / When I’m alone with my boo / If you smile at me again / I may do something stupid
Gives me Logan/Colt/Mona love triangle type vibes!
Who Can I Run To, Xscape [j]
Who can I run to, to share this empty space? / Who can I run to, When I need love? / Who can I run to, to fill this empty space with laughter?
After her li’s leave this def gives me those bittersweet vibes like when they all leave L.A., including MC for college.
Aston Martin Music, Rick Ross [j]
Bobbin’ to the music / This is how we do it, all night / Breezin’ down the freeway / Just me and my baby
Would’ve came back for you / I just needed time to do what I had to do / Caught in the life / I can’t let it go / Whether that’s right I won’t ever know
This reminds me of another bittersweet moment like MC is reflecting on her favorite times with her LI, but also acknowledging that her LI can’t be 100% loyal to her because of her lifestyle
Love Without Tragedy / Mother Mary, Rihanna [j]
Brown eyes, tuxedo, fast cars / A James Dean on the low, Dean on the low
Who knew the course of this one drive / Injured us fatally
Let’s live in the moment / As long as we got each other / Die in the moment / I’m prepared to die in the moment / ‘Cause even forever ain’t forever
This entire song fits for all the LI’s (despite the lyrics saying “boy” it works for all of them perfectly. I just picked a couple lyrics to prove it!
Question Existing, Rihanna [j]
Who am I living for?/ Is this my limit?/ Can I endure some more?/ Chances I’m given, question existing
Reminds me of when MC was torn between loyalty to her father and Jason Shaw and MPC at the same time.
Bed of Lies, Nicki Minaj ft. Skylar Grey [p]
This is 100% MC after the reveal.
Change Your Life, Kehlani ft. Jhene Aiko [p and j]
I heard that you a gangsta / Not one to try to save her / Always focus on your paper / Don't got time to wager with your heart
You deserve someone that'll take you to another level
The lyrics to this song fit so well with all of the LI’s. Definitely addresses all of the LI’s reluctance to be with MC and MC’s pursuit of them.
Serial Lover, Kehlani [p and j]
Lord knows / My intentions are pure and my heart full of gold, oh
This song fits MC’s relationship with all of the LI’s, especially when there’s conflict between them. MC is miles more transparent with her feelings than Logan, Colt, and Mona.
She’s So Gone, Naomi Scott [p]
So it looks like the joke’s on you / ‘cause the girl that you thought you knew / She’s so gone
You can look but you won’t see the girl I used to be, ‘cause she / she’s so gone, away / like history
Yes this is from Lemonade Mouth and yes I feel like this embodies MC perfectly!
Misc.
(this includes Ximena, Toby, side characters, the overall vibe of ROD, etc.)
Tints, Anderson .Paak ft. Kendrick Lamar [j]
Ridin’, ridin’, round that open street / I need tints / I need my windows tinted / I can’t be flying down that 110 with a bad bitch in my whip / I need tints
This reminds me a lot of Ximena and Toby because they’re so chill and carefree compared to the rest of the crew, and this song embodies that.
Nascar, Roddy Ricch [p]
Honestly, heard this song and thought I’d be perfect for another side show, or a racing song
We Don’t Luv Em, HoodRich Pablo Juan [p]
Another side show/racing song
DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love, Usher [p]
I feel like this could’ve played at the club depending on the vibe they were going for, and even if they weren’t, I feel like the club was a very romantically charged event so the DJ had errbody falling in love (MC and whoever, Toby and the guy he went off to dance with, etc.)
break da law, 21 Savage [p]
Me and my dawgs break laws
This is Kaneko and the crew, even though Kaneko would never call them his dawgs, but you get the gist.
Trust Nobody, Lil Wayne ft. Adam Levine [p]
I don’t trust nobody, not my lovers, not my friends / I don’t make no promises ‘cause I know just how they’ll end / I don’t trust nobody, I don’t need nobody else / And as messed up as it sounds, I don’t even trust myself, yeah
This hurts me because the song talks about not being able to trust people in general so I feel like this has been Logan all his life, Mona after she was betrayed, and Colt after the death of his father (minus the don’t trust my lover part because obviously they are whipped for MC and you can’t change my mind).
Undercover, Kehlani [p]
You know they don’t wanna see us together / But it don’t matter, no, ‘cause I got you
Baby, they don’t wanna see me be happy / ‘Cause they ain’t happy, no -- they don’t got you
So this is MC with all the LI’s because everybody (Riya, Darius, her dad, etc.) thinks everyone in the crew is bad news but no matter who MC is with, they’re happy with them regardless of what everyone thinks.
Party Monster, The Weeknd [p]
Okay, this might seem really weird, but I feel like this is a song that would play in the background as the crew would plan or orchestrate a heist you know like the camera panning to different people just really focused on that they’re doing like there’s some camera work going on in my head that I wish I could properly articulate but I hope you guys see the vision.
Shut Up and Drive, Rihanna [p and j]
This is self explanatory.
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Two Old Friends
Chapter 3 of Ricochet (An Open Heart AU).
Catch up here: Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2
Chapter Synopsis: As Bryce takes Heather in, a facade that he has blocked out for several months begins to disintegrate.
Pairing: Rafael Aveiro x MC (Dr. Heather Song) | Bryce Lahela x MC (Dr. Heather Song)
Words: 2.3k+ | Genre: Crime, Mystery, Thriller, Romance
Rating/Warnings: None for this chapter, it's pure fluff! (Yay!)
Author’s Notes: Majority of the characters are owned by Pixelberry, except the main character Heather Song. I was listening to Maybe this Time on repeat when I wrote this chapter, I think that song encapsulates it perfectly.
8 months ago
Bryce Lahela was stoked to have been assigned the Ed Farrugia case. He dreamt up of an opportunity like this ever since he graduated top of class from Stanford Law School. It wasn't out of self-ambition, it was part of his grand plan - to go opposite the direction of his white-collar criminal parents.
At first, Bryce's parents was overjoyed when he told them he's pursuing a law degree. It never occurred to them that it was all part of his scheme.
He soldiered on through law school, bagging an internship in the San Francisco DA. When his efforts to build his network provided an opportunity in Boston, he didn't hesitate to pack up his bags and fly across the country, farther away from Hawaii than ever. It was a big risk, but it eventually paid off given how his career imploded once he got the job.
But perhaps the most memorable experience was when he told his parents that he was to become Boston's newest ADA. They were nothing but furious, there were no counting the amount of expletives he heard that day.
No turning back, mom and dad.
The timing to tell them couldn't be more perfect, because it was only a week after they turned over his trust fund, a "graduation gift". He knew it was just a bribe for him to do the dirty legal work to keep them away from prison for free.
After toiling for so many years, he was more than ready to abandon his past behind and start his life over. More than it was revenge, it was Bryce's sweet and merciful justice. No more crosses behind his back, marking him as his parents' criminal son.
That wasn't his reality anymore. So he focused on work and did his best to shine. And shine he did. For the first time in a long time, he felt like he was no longer a criminal. In an ironic twist of fate, he was the one putting people behind bars. And he relished in every win.
However, being the Chief DA's golden boy wasn't providing him the opportunity to build new friendships. Although he tried to make friends with his colleagues, he began to be seen as a threat. So for the first year in the big city, he spent his free time partying hard. With his quick rise to fame, everyone wanted a taste of the majestic Bryce Lahela. He didn't hesitate to throw himself into the throng.
And in that fateful sunny morning, he felt an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. He built the foundations of the State versus Perry case over the weekend, not even taking a single drop of alcohol. With the help of Agent Aveiro, he collected mountains of evidence for his breakthrough day at court. He knew his case was airtight. Today, he plans to put the cherry on top.
Pulling off his sunglasses and tightening his slick striped blue tie, he grabbed his suitcase from the passenger seat and got out of his car.
He strode into Edenbrook Hospital with confidence, getting glances from several attendings and nurses as he walked the hallways. He smirked at each of them back, wondering which one he should make of a mission after he wraps up this case. God, these doctors are hot, he thought, as he slid into one of the elevators. He punched 7, and the button lighted up.
Once he arrived at the right floor, he followed the directions pasted on the walls and eventually found the diagnostics team's office. As he neared the sliding glass doors, he heard an exchange of voices in rapid succession, as if they were discussing something important. As he raised his gaze through the glass, he saw two female doctors and two males. His eyes automatically landed to the young brunette, whose hand is on her waist as she listened intently as the others debated.
His brow quirked a little, a fit of curiosity fleeted through him. She was prettier in personal. Television didn't do her justice.
Immediately shaking off the unnerving attraction, he tapped gently on the glass door. All doctors turned to him. One of the male doctors with piercing blue eyes let him in, he later found out that he was the world-renowned diagnostician, Dr. Ethan Ramsey, the head of the team.
"ADA Bryce Lahela, I'm here for Dr. Heather Song?" he walked into the room exuding confidence, burying the distracted innuendos he was currently having.
In response, she moved forward and offered her hand, smiling brightly at him. "Dr. Heather Song, at your service. Pleased to make your acquaintance."
Oh, I bet you do.
He answered mentally, stepping closer to look at her soft features. He took her hand and shook it, returning the warm welcome with a smug look in his face. He couldn't stop thinking about her ever since.
He spent almost the whole day with her, going through her testimony in detail. She spoke in a very confident manner, ascertaining every small observation she made about Travis Perry, and how he raised her suspicions. She also walked him through how she confirmed her theories, and how she decided to report this to the hospital's chief. He was amazed with the way how she mapped out every step, and acknowledged how her actions made the case straightforward and uncomplicated. Certainly controversial and sensational, given that it was involving one of Massachusetts' senators. But getting up close and personal with her that day made him realize that like him, she was at the top of her game.
She was professional and insightful. Bryce was also impressed with how she carried herself. Graceful and poised, yet fierce and tenacious. There were a lot of times that he thought he was hearing himself in the way she talked. And for that reason, he like spending time with her.
Over the course of the next few months, he spent more time with her. It was the perfect opportunity to keep in touch, as she was the star witness after all.
Beyond work, it was easy for him to befriend her. She was warm and open, sensitive and caring. Eventually, she introduced him to her exclusive group of doctors, who readily welcome him.
But he admired her more when she made it her mission to help him with his runaway sister. She went out of her way to spend time with her, bridging the gap between the siblings.
That was when he irreversibly opened up to her, telling her about his past. Making her see through him, who he really was.
And the way that she embraced it without inhibitions was a breathe of fresh air. He never knew he needed someone like her in his life, the one thing to complete his do-over.
It didn't take much for him to he admit to himself that he adored Heather. He felt a deep connection to her, something he never felt for someone else.
But in a sudden turn of events, the hopefulness he had turned out to be just a mere figment of his imagination.
He learned about her relationship with Rafael. Once he saw the way she looked at him, he knew it was time to draw the line.
Ever since, that was all he thought it would be between them - an unexplored and faraway frontier.
Gradually, his presence in her life became nothing more but group hangouts in the form of brunches or night outs in Donahues. He learned to withdraw whenever she and Rafael was around, cautious to not let others know about the way he felt. He himself went back to his string of one night stands.
He kept her at arm's length, repeating to himself that he was contented with the friendship that they had. Yet when he was finally learning to ease her out of his mind, she came crashing back in.
***
Present Day
With warm bowls of noodles in front of them, they caught up with each other's life. Bryce poured them both a glass of white wine to chase down the saltiness off of their taste buds.
"Hm, this certainly is an upgrade from that cheap bottle you had the last time," her mocking voice freed him from his thoughts. He grinned at her, leaning towards her.
"Oooh, I'm not liking your arrogance. Being junior fellow got in your head already?" he teased her, sipping from his own glass. "Has all of your student loans been paid off so you have spare money to buy your own fancy wine?"
"Certainly not. I think you're the one getting ahead of yourself, hotshot. That plaque hit you in the head and made you forgot that you're a just a noob?" Heather quipped back, her index finger pointing to the square-shaped glass on one of the living room shelves.
"Psh. It's not like my colleagues skip a day to remind me of 'my place'," his one hand mimicked air quotes, feigning a look of disgust, invoking a genuine laughter from her, her skin illuminated by the late afternoon sun as she glowed in delight.
They went at it as they ate, exchanging insulting banters, trying to one up each other as they went. It was just the way they were, at ease. Two old friends who loved their careers first, always putting their self in second place.
It was the first time in months that they were together alone, Bryce realized now how much he missed spending time with her.
He didn't want to spoil the mood, but he couldn't shake off his interest on what went down between Rafael and her. He waited a few more moments as they settled into a comfortable silence, running out of casual jokes to throw at the other. He drew a deep breathe, taking up the courage he needed to raise the sore subject.
"So, you and Raf huh?"
He saw her flinch and his heart irked a little. Her hand shivered as she set down the empty glass and grabbed the bottle of wine to refill it.
"He wasn't what I thought he was," she swirled the contents of her glass once it was full, looking distracted. "Apparently, it only took him less than a month to reveal his true self." Bryce nodded opposite her, as she shrugged casually. He saw her bite her lower lip, and instantly felt the hurt she was going through.
Without second thoughts, he approached her and opened his arms, inviting her in.
After a few excruciating seconds of hesitation, she finally leaned in and received his embrace, tears falling. She didn't think there was any left, but Bryce's offer of solace was a comfort she didn't think she needed. Her dams of pain overflowed once again, and with the horrible scare that happened this morning, her resolve to put up a brave face in front of everyone crumbled.
"You know I'll always be here for you, Heath," he whispered to her, his senses being flooded by the familiar jasmine scent of her perfume.
"I know, thank you for that," she replied in a hushed voice. "I'm just... just tired of it all, Bryce, I'm sorry."
"Hey, don't be. I got you."
He just held her, wishing so hard that one embrace can take all of her fears away. He closed his eyes, letting his beating heart speak for the rest of his unspoken emotions.
He tried to soothe her as he brushed her hair, rubbing the palm of his hand on her shuddering back. His grip tightened with her every sigh, pulling her ever closer.
For the first time in months of keeping his distance, the feelings he had for her, those he tried to bury deep within his heart, started to resurface. He was feeling the way he felt way back then.
In between her deep sighs and sobs, a flood of regrets raced through his mind. His chest constricted, as his thoughts lingered on what could have been.
If I hadn't left her alone. If I just fought for her the first time. If I just have been brave enough to let her know...
But he knew he couldn't what already happened define what should be and what it will be. Just like he dealt with his past, Bryce knew that with enough willpower, he can turn it all around.
He focused forward. A rush of possibilities, a promise of a future, it overwhelmed him.
Maybe this time, it'll be more. She's free now. Maybe now is a better time than before. Maybe now, it won't have to end. Maybe this time, he wouldn't need to let her go.
His heart burned with a fiery resolve and determination.
That late afternoon, when the setting sun's light began to shine upon his face, he decided.
Even the smallest of maybes was more than enough for him. Bryce was willing to risk it for her.
TAGS: @choicesficwriterscreations @ramsey-lahela
@eleanorbloom - I hope I'm doing Bryce justice 😬
#open heart#open heart 2#bryce lahela#bryce x mc#bryce lahela x mc#rafael aveiro#rafael aveiro x mc#choices fanfiction#open heart fanfiction#choices fic writers creations#choices
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ML: Are They Worthy? Chapter 58: Order of Operations!/Cubist
Travis and Casandra were headed to the lobby of Le Grand Paris. “Well, let’s see what fun thing Vlad has planned for today,” Travis said.
“Yeah” Cassandra replied. On their way out, Lila in disguise walked out ahead of the. “What’s their deal?”
“Dunno” Travis said. “Should we ask?”
Cassandra thought on it. “I don’t know if it’s our place to say.”
“Well then, let’s go!” Travis said. They walked out of Le Grand Paris as well.
They met up with Vlad near the Seine. “Hey guys” Vlad said, welcoming his friends.
“Vlad! So, what’ on the schedule for today?” Travis asked.
“They should be arriving any minute now” Vlad said.
“Hey everyone” Adiren said, walking up with Marinette. “Vlad said he really wanted us to meet you two.”
“Hey” said Marinette.
“Ah, Marinette. Good to see you again” Travis said.
“You’ve met her?” Cassandra asked.
“I’ve met both of them” Travis replied. “When I came here for the fencing tournament.”
“Oh, right” Cassandra said.
Marinette looked at Cassandra. “I didn’t see you there” she said. “Why didn’t you go? I mean, if you didn’t.”
“Well, uhhhhhhh…..” Cassandra said.
“It’s complicated” Vlad said.
“So, pretty boy” Travis said, addressing Adrien. “You up for that rematch?”
“Really?” Cassandra asked. “THIS is how we’re going to spend one of our days in Paris?!”
”Only partially” Travis insisted.
Adrien giggled. “I don’t mind. Although, I’d have to go back to my place to get my stuff.”
“Yeah, and WE’D have to go back to the hotel” Cassandra said.
“Oh yeah” Travis said. “I take back my challenge! For now…”
“Well, I’ll look forward to it. When you’re more prepared, that is” Adrien said.
“Hey, there’s an idea” Vlad said. “We could hang out at Adrien’s place! He has a bunch of stuff.”
“That’s a great idea!” Marinette said. “I just hope your dad’s OK with it.”
“I’ll give him a call” Adrien said. He took out his phone and called.
“So, Marinette?” Cassandra said. Marinette nervously turned to look at her. Cassandra smirked. “Vlad has nothing but high praise for you. I wonder what kind of girl you are to the point where even VLAD doesn’t have much bad to say about you.”
Marinette blushed. “Well...uh...really, I’m nothing special.”
“Don’t sell yourself short, Marinette” Vlad said. “You’re nothing short of amazing.”
“Thanks” Marinatte said, still blushing.
Cassandra smiled. “I think I see what you see in her” she said.
“You are quite observant” Vlad said.
“My dad says it’s OK” Adrien said, coming back into the circle.
“Then let’s go!” Vlad said.
“Lead the way!” Cassandra said. The group of five headed towards Agreste manor.
They were let in, and were greeted by Gabriel himself. “Father?” Adrien said.
“I just wanted to meet Mr. Bro-...Vlad’s friends” Gabriel said.
Vlad was confused. “Is this the first time you’ve said my name?” Vlad asked.
Gabriel looked at him. He glanced away and softly said “I’ve been practicing.” He looked directly at them again. “Anyway, pleasure to meet the two of you.”
“I’m Travis” he said, introducing himself.
“And I’m Cassandra” She added.
Gabriel nodded. “Just try not to make too much noise. I’ve got work I need to attend to.” He walked back into his office.
“Is he always like that?” Cassandra said.
“He’s not much of a people person” Vlad said.
“I’d say that was one of his better introductions” Adrien said. “Come on, let’s go.” The five headed toward Adrien’s room.
“Woah” Travis said. “Man, you weren’t kidding when you said it was bigger than the gym back at school.”
“Yeah, this is exorbitant” Cassandra said. Adrien sighed. Cassandra noticed this and said. “I didn’t mean it in a bad way. I’m just not used to this is all.”
Adrien smiled a little smile. “Hey, a foosball table!” Travis said, excitedly. “Adrien! Wanna face off against me in this?!”
“Why are you so eager to fight Adrien?” Marinette asked.
“BECAUSE!” Travis started.
“GAH!” Marinette screamed.
Travis sighed. “He is deemed worthy by the object of my affection. I want to see what she sees. I WANT TO SEE HIS FIRE!”
“Travis, it’s alright” Vlad said. “Don’t go overboard.”
Travis sighed again. “You’re right. I just get frustrated easily is all.”
“Well, if it’ll make you feel any better, I will take you on” Adrien said.
Travis raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
Adrien smiled. “Of course. I don’t have many opportunities like this come often.”
“Well then, let’s begin!” Travis said. The two headed for the foosball table.
Cassandra eyed something on Adrien’s desk. “Is this a Rubik’s Cube?” she said.
Adrien looked up, and then got embarrassed. “Oh, well, uh…”
Cassandra said “I’m a whiz at these things.” She began trying to figure it out. She got confused. “What’s this?” She continued. “Wait, this doesn’t make sense...let’s see, if I put this here...but then what about this part?”
Adrien tried to interject. “Um, see, the thing is-”
“I’VE GOT THIS!” Cassandra yelled. “Now, if I put this here...but that doesn’t make any sense.”
“The thing is…” Adrien said.
“WHY DOES THIS NOT MAKE SENSE?!” Cassandra yelled.
“Cassandra?” Vlad said, concerned.
“Cassandra, it’s OK” Marinette said, walking up to her. She gently placed her arms on her. “Just breathe.”
“Oh no!” Travis said. “Cassandra!” He rushed over there.
“Is Cassandra going to be alright?” Adrien asked, also rushing over.
Vlad said calmly “Cassandra, if you just let Adrien explain…”
“I’VE! GOT! THIS!” Cassandra yelled. She kept trying, but no matter what, she couldn’t match up the Rubik’s Cube so each side was a solid color. “WHY WON’T YOU WORK?!”
Gabriel felt a disturbance in his house. He got out his miraculous and went to his lair. “Well well, someone who demands order in a world of chaos” Hawk Moth said. “How tragic. But perhaps, order is what is needed. I’ve been trying chaos for so long. Why not switch things up a bit? Go, my little akuma, and evilize her!”
The akuma flew into Adrien’s room, but no one noticed. “Come on, you STUPID BOX!”
The akuma fused with the Rubik’s Cube. “Cubist. I am Hawk Moth. Are you frustrated that nothing matches? Are you concerned that nothing fits? I’m giving you the power to create order! In return, I’m going to need Ladybug and Cat Noir’s miraculous!”
“Consider it done, Hawk Moth” Cassandra said. The purple and black aura swallowed her, as everyone else backed up. What emerged was a villain, who was pure white, and made up of squares and rectangles, wearing a pure white version of the Rubik’s Cube around her neck. She looked at herself. “Excellent!” she said.
“Casandra?” Travis asked.
“It’s Cubist now!” she said. She stepped towards Travis. “And I know Cassandra learned to let it go, but now Cubist wants to do something about that lone braid!” Cubist punched Travis, and Travis grew another identical braid. “Now, to preserve that perfection.” She punched him with her other hand and Travis was confined in a white see-through rectangle.
Cubist looked around some more. “This room is immaculate. Everything is in order!” She then looked at Vlad and Adrien. “Why do you two only have rings on one side of your hand?!”
“Well, that’s how rings are?” Adrien said.
“UNACCEPTABLE!” Cubist said. She went to punch them, but thy dodged.
“RUN!” Vlad said. The three of them ran out of Adrien’s room, and eventually out of the house, as Cubist gave chase, but lost them.
“GAH!” she said. “Whatever! I feel some chaos on the Seine I can take care off.” She started to walk off. “I can probably take care of a few other things on my way.”
Marinette, Adrien, and Vlad were hiding close by, and were relieved when Cubist walked off. “So, what does she mean by ‘chaos on the Seine’?” Adrien asked.
Marinette’s eyes wided. “Oh no! The Liberty!” she said.
“You mean Juleka and Luka’s place?” Adrien said. Marinette nodded.
“Yeah, that place was pretty messy” Vlad said.
“Well, at least we know where she’s heading!” Marinette said. “Tikki! Spots on!”
“Plagg! Claws out!”
“Beyyo! Fangs sharpen!”
The three heroes ran down to follow Cubist, looking in shock and awe at all of the things she has organized and cubed. They rushed down further to prevent more of this.
Meanwhile, on the deck of the Liberty, Luka and Ashe were sitting down with their instruments, working on the instrumentation for the song they wrote together. Luka strummed out a set of notes he really liked. He decided to write it down. Anarka came out onto the deck and asked “Do ya need anything kids?”
“No. Thanks mom” Luka said.
“Yeah, thanks, um, Miss Couffaine?” Ashe said.
Anarka smiled. “You have that right.”
“So, this is the chaos on the Seine” Cubist said, standing on top of the Liberty.
The three looked up and were surprised. “‘Chaos on the Seine’? I like that” Luka said.
“Well I don’t!” Cubist shouted. “Which is why I vow to do something about it.” She raised her fists to slam them on the boat. Just then, the heroes came and rescued the three on the deck. Ladybug rescued Anarka, Cat Noir rescued Ashe, and Judgement Wolf rescued Luka.
Cubist’s fists landed on the Liberty, turning it form a messy ship to a ship that would make top navy generals blush at how pristine it was, and then preserved it in one of her cubes. “So, the heroes have finally come out to play,” she said.
The three heroes landed on the bank of the Seine and let go of their rescuees. “Is there anyone else on the ship?” Ladybug asked.
Anarka shook her head. “My daughter is out on a date.”
“Good. Now run!” Ladybug said. Ashe and Anarka ran without a second thought. Luka started to run, but he did have a second thought. He then ran back.
Cubist jumped off of the cubed Liberty. “Ladybug! Cat Noir! Give me your miraculous!”
“Fat chance” Ladybug said.
“Time to square off!” Cat Noir shouted. The heroes faced her down.
Cubist looked at each of them “Your costumes are magnificent,” she said. “The very idea of symmetry. But Cat Noir, your hair is too messy, and you only have one ring. Ladybug, your hair isn’t parted evenly. And Judgement Wolf, you only have one holster and one ring. How about a little touching up?” She readied her fist and charged at the heroes, who all dodged separately.
Judgement Wolf landed near an alley. In the alley, Luka whispered “Hey. Judgement Wolf.” Judgement Wolf turned to look at him. “What’ this villain’s deal?”
Judgement wolf quickly explained “She wants everything to be even, and she can’t control it.”
Luka thought on it. “I have a plan, but I’m going to need to be Viperion. Is that alright?”
Judgement Wolf looked at Ladybug and Cat Noir dodging while also trying to contain and get in to fight off Cubist. “Let me run it by Ladybug.” Judgement Wolf ran into the fight.
Just as Cubist was about to his Ladybug, Judgement Wolf charged at her and knocked her to the ground.
Cat Noir approached her and started calling out “Catacly-” Before he could finish, Cubist took a swing at him. Cat Noir jumped back. “Woah!”
“Ladybug” Judgement Wolf called out. “Viperion has an idea, but he needs to be Viperion. Is that OK?” Ladybug thought on it and nodded. “OK. Think you can hold her until then?”
“Of course” Ladybug said.
“Great. I’m off” Judgement Wolf said, taking off. Ladybug went back into the fight.
Vlad arrived at Master Fu’s place. “What are you doing here?” Master Fu asked.
“I need the snake miraculous!” Vlad demanded.
Master Fu nodded. “Very well.” He got out the snake miraculous and gave it to Vlad.
“Thanks” Vlad said. He took off.
Luka was watching Ladybug and Cat Noir fight off Cubist. Every time they dodged, something else would end up organized and cubed. “Come on Judgement Wolf.”
“You rang?” Judgement Wolf said, appearing to him. “Put it on” he said, tossing the miraculous to him. “We don’t have time to waste.”
Luka put on the bangle and said “Sass! Uptempo!” He transformed into Viperion.
“So, what’s the plan?” Judgment Wolf asked.
“Follow me” Viperion said. He jumped up.
“Heh” Judgement Wolf responded, following him.
The two heroes were running across the rooftops of Paris, but the Viperion stopped, causing Judgement Wolf to stop as well. Viperion looked around, and then stopped and was surprised. “Over here” he said. The two jumped off to street level.
In the street, Micah was practicing with his new troupe. “Alright, good job everyone” he said. The heroes landed behind him. He turned around. “Viperion? Judgement Wolf? What are you doing here?”
“Where’s Marshall?” Viperion asked.
“He’s doing a gig at the Eiffel Tower” Micah said.
Viperion sighed. “Very well. There’s a supervillain running amok, and we need a dance troupe.”
“That’s your plan?” Judgement Wolf said.
“Stranger things have worked” Viperion said.
“...Very well” Judgement Wolf said.
“So Micah? You think you and your crew can do it?” Viperion asked
Micah smiled. “Of course. What do you take me for? Alright team, let’s grab our stuff and go!” The rest of the team packed up and followed the heroes as they raced through the street.
Ladybug had just been knocked to the ground. “Well well, looks like I have the upper hand now” Cubist said, raising her fist.
“NO!” Cat Noir said. He rushed to grab her arm.
“Huh?” Cubist said, once he got a hold of it. She managed to shake off Cat Noir. “Back off, kitty!”
Ladybug then used her yo-yo to trip Cubist. “Who has the upper hand now?”
Cubist growled. But then, the sound of a mic going off could be heard. “Attention heroes and villain of Paris!” MIcah said. “Presenting the most symmetrical dance our dance troupe has to offer! Hit it!”
Judgement Wolf hit play on the stereo. The crew started to dance. Cubist looked at it with curiosity. “Fascinating” she said. She left to get closer.
However, Micah tripped on some uneven road, which caused Cubist to go into a rage and rush the crew. Luckily, Viperion rewound time. He was meeting with Micah just before they got the attention of everyone. “Hey” he said. “Make sure you watch out for that uneven bit of road.”
Micah saw it and said “Thanks.” His crew began again.
Micah did not trip this time, and Cubist continued to be entranced. “So, is it weird to you that this seems to be working?” Cat Noir asked.
“Well, it’s working, so I can’t complain” Ladybug said. “Lucky Charm! A Cat Noir costume?” Ladybug looked around. She saw the ring in the costume, her yo-yo, Cat Noir, Cubist, and a motorcycle helmet. “That’s it!” She took the ring out of the case and grabbed the helmet. “Here, put these on!” she said, giving them to Cat Noir.
Micah and his crew finished up their routine. Cubist clapped enthusiastically. “Bravo! Bravo!” Suddenly, Ladybug’s yo-yo tied Cubist up. “What the?”
“Cat Noir! Now!” Ladybug called.
“Ha! Good luck! I can still punch him!” Cubist said. Cat Noir stood in front of her in the helmet and the fake ring. Cubist was in awe. “Perfectly symmetrical.”
Cat Noir rushed to the villain. As soon as he was close enough, he called out “Cataclysm!” and destroyed the cube around her neck. Cubist fell to her knees and turned back into Cassandra. Cat Noir took off his fake ring and threw it to Ladybug. “Here you go” he said.
Ladybug caught it and threw it up with the rest of the costume shutting “MIraculous Ladybug!” The ladybug fixed everything that Cubist had done.
Ladybug then captured the akuma. “No more evildoing for you, little akuma. TIme to de-evilize! Gotcha! Bye bye, little butterfly.”
“I suppose order has its limits” Hawk Moth said. “But I will defeat you Ladybug! I just need to think outside the box.”
Micha looked at Cassandra and smiled. “Hey” Viperion said. “You did good out there.”
“Thanks” Micah said. “But we couldn’t have done it without you.” Viperion nodded. “Alright troupe. Let’s move out.” The group headed back.
Viperion walked into an alley. “Sass! Downtempo!” he said, transforming back into Luka. He handed the miraculous back to Judgement Wolf.”
“Smart move” Judgement Wolf said. “How’d you know that would work?”
Luka smiled. “Dance is an art built on rhythm and symmetry. It’s easy for people to get enamored with it. And easier if that person just adores symmetry.”
“I see” Judgement Wolf said. He’s so cool. “Anyway, you should probably get back to your boat now.”
“Right” Luka said. “Seeya!” Luka waved and ran off. Judgement Wolf found himself blushing.
Cassandra woke up. “What happened?”
“Pound it!” Ladybug and Cat Noir said.
Cassandra looked at the Rubik’s Cube and picked it up. “I remember trying to solve this thing, but not much else.”
“You were akumatized” Cat Noir. “You were so bent on trying to get it to work that you got frustrated over it.”
“Oh…”
Cat Noir smiled. “Relax. Everything is fine now. Your friends came and got us and we solved everything.”
Cassandra looked sad. She stood up and said “I don’t suppose you can take me back now, could you?”
“Of course” Cat Noir said. “Where to?”
“Um, the Agreste manor” she said.
“OK” Cat Noir said. “Just hold on tight.” He picked her up and he and Ladybug escorted her back to the manor.
Travis was pacing in Adrien’s room when Ladybug and Cat Noir jumped in through the window with Cassandra. “Cassandra!” he said. He ran up to her. “Are you alright?”
“I’m fine” said Cassandra, getting off of Cat Noir. “I can’t believe it happened again.”
“Hey, relax” Travis said. “I got akumatized when was in Paris earlier. It can happen to anyone.”
“I know, but…” Cassandra said.
“Like Travis said. It’s fine” said Vlad, walking into the door.
“Vlad?” Cassandra said.
“Where’s Marinette and Adrien?” Travis asked.
“They got Ladybug and Cat Noir” Cassandra said.
“Yeah, and then we told them to run off” Ladybug said.
“They should be back soon” Cat Noir added. “Well, bye!” The heroes left the room. Vlad smirked.
A few minutes later, Marinette and Adrien walked in. “Sorry we’re late” Marinette said.
“We were just really far away” Adrien said. “You know, hiding from the villain.”
“Well, I’m just glad you’re alright,” Travis said.
Cassandra looked sad. “So, what happened earlier?” Marinette asked.
Cassandra gripped the Rubik’s Cube as tightly as she could. She then started blurting “I have OCD. I can normally control myself where it counts, but sometimes it just gets the better of me, and I snap. I get so frustrated that something isn’t in order, or doesn’t feel right, that it’s all I can think about.”
“That’s what happened the night before the fencing tournament” Travis added. “She needed to rest it off.”
Adrien smiled. “I get it.” Marinette smiled and nodded.
Cassandra looked up and felt the warmth coming from them. “Thanks.” She glanced at the Rubik’s Cube. “So, what’s the deal with this then?”
“Right…” Adrien said. “Well, the thing is, it’s not a plain Rubik’s Cube.”
“Oh” Cassandra said.
Adrien looked at the Rubik’s Cube. “Huh. Looks like you twisted it up really good. I’m not sure I can show you how it’s supposed to look now.”
“I can” Cassandra said. “If you tell me.” Adrien nodded and whispered into her ear. “Ohhhhhhhhh. Got it!” Cassandra said. She then started to twist the Rubik’s Cube up. “And got it!” she said. She presented the Rubik’s Cube completed. Each side of the Rubik’s Cube was colored so that they were in a heart pattern. “What a lovely design” she said.
The Rubix Cube then opened up and inside were two slips of paper. “What’s this?” Marinette asked.
“I wanted to surprise you” Adrien said. “At school tomorrow. But, I guess now’s as good a time as any. I got us two tickets to Jagged Stone’s concert Friday night.”
“Really?!” Marinette said. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” She hugged Adrien. “But, why in a trick Rubik’s Cube?”
“I thought it would be fun” Adrien said.
“Well, I’m glad Cassandra was here, otherwise we wouldn’t have gotten it open at all” Marinette said.
“Oh? I thought you’d be good at these” Adrien said.
“Nope” Marinette said.
“I mean, I did have a way to get to them without solving it if need be,” Adrien said, “I just thought you’d like it.”
“It was a nice idea” Marinette said, kissing him on the cheek.
Vlad placed his hand on Cassandra. “See? It comes in hand sometimes.”
Cassandra smiled at hi. “You're right.”
“So, now that that’s out of the way, how about that foosball game?” Travis asked.
Adrien smiled. “You’re on.”
The gang spent the rest of the day hanging out in Adrien’s room. Travis and Adrien played their game of foosball, which Adrien won after a hard fought battle. Then, they decided to play some Ultimate Mecha Strike III, in which Marinette won the most rounds, although Cassandra was giving her a run for her money. Then they just spent some time watching stuff. It was wonderful.
“Well, it’s getting late” Travis said. “We should probably grab our stuff. We don’t wanna miss the last train out.”
“You’re right,” Cassandra said, getting up. “Well, it’s been fun seeing you again Vlad. And meeting your friends”
“You’re welcome anytime” Vlad said.
“Well, seeya” Cassandra said. The two started walking out.
“Wait!” Adrien called. “Do you want us to accompany you?”
Cassandra smiled. “It’s fine. See you soon!”
“Adrien” Travis shouted. “The next time we meet, we’ll have that fencing rematch!”
Adrien smiled. “I’ll be waiting.” The two waved goodbye and left.
“I should be going too” Vlad said. “I promised Master Fu I would talk to him tonight still.”
“OK” Adrien said. “See you at school tomorrow.” Vlad walked out. Marinette waved while Adrien pulled her in. “Well well. We’re all alone.”
“And I didn’t get a chance to properly thank you for that sweet gift earlier” Marinette said. The two started kissing. Slowly, but surely, it turned into an intense make-out session on Adrien’s bed.
Meanwhile, Vlad was walking to Master Fu’s when he passed by the Liberty. He accidentally bumped into Juleka on her way home. “Sorry” they said to each other.
Luka looked up. “Oh. Hey Juleka! Vlad!” He ran up to meet them.
“How’s your song coming along?” Juleka asked.
“I think we got it” Luka said. “Although Ashe had to leave soon after. Her dad came to town to finalize some things for her.”
“I see.” Juleka said.
“It was also a bit hectic because there was an akuma attack on our ship” Luka said.
“I missed an attack?” Juleka said.
“Yeah, but don’t worry,” Luka said. “Ladybug, Cat Noir Judgement Wolf, and Viperion solved it.”
“Viperion was there?” Juleka said. “Aw man. Still, I had a great time with Rose. Wouldn’t trade that for the world.”
Luka giggled. “Hey, why don’t we show it off tomorrow?” he said. “Vlad, you can come see it too.”
“Really?” Vlad said, red as a ruby. “Uh, sure!”
“Great” Luka said. “Maybe you can invite a few others as well.”
“Right. Will do” Vlad said, nervously. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some business to take care of. Bye!” He ran off.
“Luka, you need to tell him if he has a chance with you or not” Juleka said. “Otherwise, he’ll just keep being a hot mess around you.”
“I wish it were that simple” Luka said. “I still need to figure things out on my end.”
“I see” Juleka said. “Well, whatever you decide, just make sure to not hurt his feelings too much.”
Luka smiled. “I’ll be careful.”
Vlad walked into Master Fu’s. “Ah, back again” Master Fu said.
“Yeah” Vlad said. “We have to talk.”
Vlad explained the nature of Hawk Moth’s plan. “I see…” Master Fu said.
“Do you really think this is a good idea?” Hao-yu asked. “I mean, what if Hawk Moth goes back on his word?”
“I know it’s not easy to trust Hawk Moth” Vlad said. “But in this instance, I think it’ll be fine. We’re after the same thing after all.”
“Besides, we have our countermeasures” Beyyo said. “And we’re only taking the one person that Hawk Moth knows.”
Hao-yu was hesitant, but he relented. “Very well. If it’s for Duusu.”
“I know you can do it” Corina said.
“Do you know how?” Marianne asked.
“Well, I know a little” Hao-yu said. “But I suppose I could brush up on that knowledge.”
“Well, we might have time” Beyyo said.
“Yeah, that’s the other thing” Vlad chimed in. “We have to wait for a day without akuma attacks. We agreed on that.”
“Well then,” Master Fu said, “perhaps you can get a lucky break and find out who Hawk Moth is before then.”
“Perhaps” Vlad said. “But we haven’t had much luck in that department since we got here.”
“Well, I’ll do the plan if you can’t” Hao-yu said. “So, you don’t have to worry about that.”
“Thanks Hao-yu” Vlad said. ”Well, I should get going. Today has been a lot to deal with.”
“We’ll be waiting” Master Fu said. Vlad waved as he and Beyyo left.
#miraculous ladybug#miraculous ladybug fanfic#Marinette#adrien#vlad#gabriel#Luka#anarka#master fu#juleka#Beyyo
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Myrika, Queen Of Our Hearts ❤️
pink = dena
purple = janhe
Hi Myrika! I know you’ve been having a bit of a hard time lately and so I wanted to do something to cheer you up so I messaged J and asked her if we could collaborate on a project for you to show you how much we love and care about you. She of course said yes cause she’s a sweetie and loves you so much too!!! ❤️ We are so lucky to have someone as amazing as you as our best friend. You are an amazing, beautiful person who deserves the world and every good and pure thing in it. I hope one day I get the honor and joy of meeting you. I’m gonna give you the biggest hug I can and I’ll make sure to bring you Chick-Fil-A cause that place awesome and you’ll love it!! You’ll love it almost as much as I love you (; And this is J now! Dena called me a sweetie and she’s so lovely for asking me to do this for you. You really have good taste in friends, sis! And she told me you were in a rough time right now and she wanted to cheer you up! And I was like hECK YES. Because you deserve it, sis! You are a wonderful person who deserves every good thing in the world. I want to meet you someday so much and be able to give you a big hug. I love you so, so, so much. Thank you for making me laugh and smile. I appreciate you a lot. I’m gonna stop because I won’t have anything to say in the next part of this project lmao. Good luck with your ships, I’m sending you one in a bit and I probably had sent it already by the time you read this. Love you!
hi bby you cute thing you!! j and i wanted to do this for you to remind you of just how much we love and appreciate you. you are the most amazing friend i’ve ever had in my life and i can’t believe it’s been almost 2 years i’ve known you. i’m so jealous and sad i haven’t known you for longer but i’m so, so, so happy i met you because you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. you’ve been there through me through everything. making me feel safe when stuff was happening with my dad, boy problems, scary lab results, hospitals visits, anxiety attacks, boosting my confidence when i hated myself, and so much more. i still remember that one time i went to the er for chest pains in the middle of the night and you stayed up the whole time calming me down and checking in on me and didn’t go to bed until you knew i was safe and was on my way home. thank you for being there for me through the big and little problems. thank you for always being there listen and give me advice even if we know our advice to each other is so terrible. (lmho queens of bad decisions) you are the sweetest, most considerate person i know. you always try to make sure i’m okay even when you’re not. you are such a beautiful soul and i love you so freaking much.
things i love about you and being best friends with you:
~ you are so sweet
~ you’re funny and always make me laugh even when i’m in the worst of moods
~ you’re caring and supportive and loving and just have a big heart
~ you have this really beautiful and calming presence and i knew it and felt it from the second i met you
~ you always listen to my problems (mentor myrika ayyyyy)
~ your sass kills me but i love it sjsjsjsjjsjsjsjs you the sass quEEN
~ you’re creative and sis you’re such an amazing writer like wow one of these days you’re actually gonna kill me with feels i stg but like pop off girl you gonna replace jk rowling one day
~ you love vine just as much as i do if not more
~ d i s n e y & greenhouse academy
~ your taste in music is amazing and i love like every song you recommend me
~ our strange humor and the fact we can be so stupid and weird and not care
~ we rage over video games together
~ chicken nuggets
~ when i’ll bring someone up to you and you’re like “... who?” and like it makes me laugh every time
~ us roasting aiden, jon and travis
~ you were always the queen of ttr fashion shows like hello? a legend in the fashion show world wow
~ us being so confused and making fun of each others countries sjsjsjjssj
girl you’re the most amazing person i know and i have no idea what i’d do without you. you are my sunshine. you cheer me up and make me happy when i’m having a rough time. i love you. thank you for everything you’ve done for me over these past 2 years. you have no idea how much you mean to me. you’re the best. you’re loved, you’re wanted, you’re gorgeous inside and out, you’re gonna have an amazing future and do amazing things. i’m so proud of you and the person you are. i’ve seen you blossom so much and it’s amazing. i hope you’re always in my life and we stay best friends and have our own island one day and are roommates (and they were ROOMATES). i love you my wife, my life. you’re my chicken, my chica, my sister, my mentor, my cohort/partner in crime, my ride or die, my best friend.
j’s part:
Okay sis, I’m sending you Roger Taylor pics while I write you this so if I stop sending them, it’s because of this. And now I stopped bc it’s another day and it will probably look out of context so I’m sorry. And you know my english isn’t perfect and you aren’t here to edit this okay, so I maybe ask Dena to help me correcting this sorry. Dena asked me if I wanted to join to this idea of hers to remind you of the wonderful human being you are. She said you talked to her about me wHAT DID YOU SAY HFIEUHF sorry. And of course I agreed, how couldn’t I? I just wanna tell you how grateful I am because I can consider you my friend, probably my closest friend even! I never had an internet friend before, like ever. I had talked to some people before, but it never lasted. Our friendship did, thank God it did. Because you are a beautiful person, and I mean it. You are always there for me. You don’t know how many times I came from a bad day to my room, feeling like shit, until you would tell me: “Wanna write something tonight?”. I swear my face would light up! And those writing sessions always made me feel better. I felt happy again. You helped me to get through a lot, and maybe you didn’t even realise! And we’ve been friends for what? Three months? And I already feel like you’re one of my closest friends, including my irl friends! Because you deserve it, you are great. I can’t even express myself in how much I love you, how much I enjoy talking to you, how many times you made me laugh even if you couldn’t see it. I know that here on the internet, when somebody says “I love you” or “You are beautiful” you could feel like they don’t mean it actually. But I really do, I need you to know that. You are a beautiful person, who’s full of life and came to make my life a little bit brighter. Lmao I sounded so poetic there, are you proud of me? I’m so excited to be your friend and see where does this friendship takes us. And I hope we last a lot of time being friends! (wE WON’T IF YOU KEEP EXPOSING MY IRONICAL FICS ON TUMBLR OK jk I loved you exposing me <33). I really hope you know how much you are loved. You are a great girl who deserves the world and I can’t wait for us to meet each other everyday a little more. I’m so happy you found me, I’ve been blessed with your friendship. And don’t forget how good of a friend you are, how much of a great person you are, and how beautiful you are. Please don’t forget it. I love you with all my heart. PS: btw, I sounded pretty emotional a few times but I’m listening to Foreign Sand by Roger while writing this like can you blame me? (listen to it if you haven’t yet).
My list of my fav things about you, myr <333
~ Your sense of humor
~ It’s a cliché but we botH LOVE QUEEN you don’t understand how much that means to me. I can tell you how much I need a roger taylor without feeling embarrassed.
~ The fact that Misfire comes up to every conversation of ours at least once.
~ You’re such a funny person liKE I CAN’T HANDLE IT
~ The fact that you love my fics like how can you like that rubbish.
~ You always support me on writing.
~ The fact that we both agree on that Man On Fire’s video is a threat to humanity.
~ The fact that we both agree on “Deacy”.
~ You being so supportive with me in a lot of senses, not only the writing thing
~ The fact that even if we are miles away from each other and in two extremes of the world (wTF), you still get to make me smile.
~ I LAUGH EVERY TIME I TALK TO YOU IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY.
~ We are both sad potatoes and we can relate on each other in a lot of things.
~ You’re so kind, so nice, so compassionate. Maybe too nice. And I love you for that.
~ The fact that we had each other to scream over Rami’s winning on the Oscars like really thank God I could scream with you.
~ The fact that yOU WROTE ME A FIC WITH ROGER YOU TOOK YOUR TIME TO MAKE ME A GOOD PRESENT it’s the cutest thing someone ever gave me for my birthday, even if you didn’t have to. I read it all the time!
~ You say “I love you” a lot to me. It makes me smile every time.
I love you, you’re loved, by Dena, by me. You’re a lucky girl for having us as friends. I love you so much, you better smile at least once today, because I don’t doubt your smile must be so beautiful. And I’m so lucky for getting to know you as well <3
WE LOVE YOU,
Dena & Janhe
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i was tagged by @chippedcupanddustybooks sweet bb. i am tagging @irrelephantsims @magnoliidae @simplymelaninated and anyone who hasn’t been tagged i swear i feel like the last person doing this LOL. heckin long ass questionnaire under the cut.
1. What is your full name? Brianna Leigh [Redacted]
2. What is your nickname? Breezy
3. Birthday? may 4th
4. What is your favorite book series? hmmmm series? idk.... i really like every single john grisham book and they aren’t related but when you have such a niche brand of book i feel like it counts lol.
5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? kinda on both.
6. Who is your favorite author? oh whew. tough one right here. idk man, i have a few? but if i had to choose i guezz i would say george orwell.
7. What is your favorite radio station? who tf listens to the radio like det anymore lmfao. i don’t have one. before i listened to 107.1 in memphis in the car sometimes, but i moved so.
8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? i loveeee pineapple anything.
9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? lit
10. What is your current favorite song? currently really into pink in the night by mitski and also sicko mode by travis scott.
11. What is your favorite word? good ole fuck(in/ed/etc.) i also really like voluptuous and bubbles.
12. What was the last song you listened to? last thing i listened to was another lifetime x nao.
13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? absolutely check out the good place. also hilda, the dragon prince, she-ra princess of power, criminal minds, law and order (the original), and snapped.
14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? i used to watch the notebook religiously when it rained/felt upset like shit. but lately i’ve been watching say yes to the dress to combat my depression lol.
15. Do you play video games? yah
16. What is your biggest fear? dying alone and no one finding me. like literally alone not like meta alone “oh no one loves me” like dead ass alone somewhere isolated.
17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? hmmmmm idk that i care a lot about other people?
18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? all of them lmfao. i’m annoying, i’m physically unattractive, i talk too damn much, i can be kind of a bitch both intentionally and unintentionally, i’m a trash writer, i can be selfish, and i self depreciate a lot (lol see above response “all of them”) and i’m sure that gets on people who love and care about me’s nerves ((but like....i mean it lmfao))
19. Do you like cats or dogs better? whew tough. prolly cats though.
20. What is your favorite season? winter followed by a tie between spring and fall.
21. Are you in a relationship? nah lmfao.
22. What is something you miss from your childhood? not being so fuckin ugly and depressed lmfao.
23. Who is your best friend? “my person” as greys anatomy stans would say is ivy lynn [redacted] [redacted] but i also wanna shout out my home girl mary (i know you follow me on here), my home girl christina (also follows me on here but she never checks her simblr anymore), my smoothie gang bitches, my NSA bitches (which includes both ivy and mary lmfao), and my memphis as fuck family. honorable mention to loml [redacted] who is skating on thin fucking ice with me right now lmfao.
24. What is your eye color? brown
25. What is your hair color? brown
26. Who is someone you love? don’t make me answer this tumblr gods.
27. Who is someone you trust? all my best friends, my parents, my brother.
28. Who is someone you think about often? fucking murder me @ this question lmfao. my friend kate (RIP) my grandmother grannypeg (RIP) and [redacted]
29. Are you currently excited about/for something? i’m excited to spend christmas in a new country! forging new traditions and all that.
30. What is your biggest obsession? currently i’m obsessed with wedding stuff and mens fashion and how mens fashion such as suits translates into womens fashion. we love a hot lady in a tailored suit amiright?
31. What was your favorite TV show as a child? spongebob squarepants RIP :”(
32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? [redacted]
33. Are you superstitious? kinda i guess? not really about stuff like stepping on cracks breaking mamas’ backs or opening umbrellas indoors but little things about familial traditions.
34. Do you have any unusual phobias? not really a phobia but i have misophonia. i also hate eye shit. like eye violence or anything fuckin around with eyes is a big no from me dawg.
35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? absolutely behind the camera. i used to be a theater kid so like being on stage i don’t mind but when it comes to the spotlight and being filmed??? no no no no no. lemme be a cinnamontawgrowfur all day.
36. What is your favorite hobby? watching movies, playing skyrim (I MISS IT SO MUCH), reading, watching music videos, modern calligraphy/hand lettering, baking (ALSO MISS IT MUCH)
37. What was the last book you read? lol a textbook about developing countries.
38. What was the last movie you watched? i just rewatched the swan princess the other day but in terms of watching something brand new i think it was this tom cruise movie my friend showed us and i thought she said someone else ( i don’t remember now. maybe tom hanks?) it was pretty good he was irish or sum with nicole kidman and they came to the united states and pretended to be siblings but the sexual tension was so fucking high dawg.
39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? nothing i’m wack and a disappointment to my musically gifted family (my dad and brother)
40. What is your favorite animal? polar bears followed by giraffes.
41. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? i’m gonna go with my main tumblr because ion wanna hurt nobody’s feelings but i follow a celebs of color page i really love, a fashion page i really love, and a few artists i really love.
42. What superpower do you wish you had? teleportation or shape shifting.
43. When and where do you feel most at peace? i feel most at peace when it is raining and i’m in my room, everything is clean and tidy, candles are lit, i have nothing to do so the world is my oyster, i have a nice cup of coffee or hot cocoa or tea, and i just am v i b i n g.
44. What makes you smile? seeing my friends, my brother (when he isn’t pissing me off), funny videos of red dead people falling off their horse in cinematic mode, pretty flowers, cute art, round birds.
45. What sports do you play, if any? i don’t lmfao.
46. What is your favorite drink? honestly a frozen margarita no salt.
47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? a month ago.
48. Are you afraid of heights? absolutely.
49. What is your biggest pet peeve? people chewing with their mouths open and people talking to me like i’m incompetent/assuming i don’t know anything about what they’re trying to talk to me about especially if it is my area of expertise lol.
50. Have you ever been to a concert? hail yeah. many.
51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? nope!
52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? honestly i don’t know but i have a distinct memory of a bunch of girls in my second grade, yours truly included, wanting to be strippers. and i don’t know why or how this came up or if we even truly knew what stripping meant but. yeah. OH i guess around the time i was in 4th/5th grade i started wanting to be a harvard law graduate and be a lawyer but i gave that up in like high school and then bounced being a lawyer back and forth in my noggin up until i applied for grad school. shout out to my mary for doing it though.
53. What fictional world would you like to live in? hmmmm idk. none of em really.
54. What is something you worry about? if i made the right decision(s) in life lol.
55. Are you scared of the dark? not really.
56. Do you like to sing? yeah i do! doesn’t mean i’m good at it though haha.
57. Have you ever skipped school? yeah lmfao.
58. What is your favorite place on the planet? i miss Rwanda a lot. but honestly my favorite place is wherever the people i love are. my family loves to travel so whenever i’m with someone i love sharing an experience? i’m in heaven.
59. Where would you like to live? idk anywhere i guess. somewhere it is mostly cold most of the time though haha.
60. Do you have any pets? my bb boi fred lives with my dad and my mom has a dog and 2 cats. we used to have 3 but one of em ran away when she moved to her house, we caught him, he ran away again. oh whale.
61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? oh a big time night owl. big time.
62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? honestly i like sunrises better but i am never awake to catch em hahah.
63. Do you know how to drive? yah and i fuckin love doing it.
64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? i prefer headphones. like really quality ones too. but i tend to use earbuds more often because i don’t need quality while im working out or going to class just easy grab and go.
65. Have you ever had braces? nope but i used to want some so bad.
66. What is your favorite genre of music? i love rap, dream-y pop music and dream-y rap music, i love 80s music. all 80s music really lmfao.
67. Who is your hero? mi mum and mi dad. also viola davis queen of inventing acting and every single color in the rainbow.
68. Do you read comic books? kind of. i was trying to build up a collection before i moved but i only had my BP comics.
69. What makes you the most angry? injustice and offensive ass content and behaviors. also don’t fuck with my friends. i got two dudes on my shit list right now that it is *on sight* if i ever see them again.
70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? a real book all the way. idk what it is about digital reading my brain shuts the fuck down. i am super fast reader but the second i try and read something digitally it takes me maybe like 10-15 min to get through just a few sentences.
71. What is your favorite subject in school? history lol i was a history major.
72. Do you have any siblings? yeah my chicken nugget puppy brother dylan. asshole.
73. What was the last thing you bought? some historical romance i think? it’s in dutch so idrk.
74. How tall are you? 5′7 i think.
75. Can you cook? yeah i love cooking but saddly don’t do much of it.
76. What are three things that you love? my teddy bear my momma got me for valentines day, my st. agatha figurine, and my yikes tapestry mary got me. i realize now after reading the next question you probably meant like shit in general so. the smell of a fresh cup of coffee, snuggly warm sweaters, postcards and tiny gifts from friends. you know the ones “i just got this for you because i thought you’d like it”
77. What are three things that you hate? funky ass attitudes, the smell and feel of lavender oil, corn.
78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? female
79. What is your sexual orientation? i’m a big ole heterosexual. sorry to disappoint :/
80. Where do you currently live? the netherlands.
81. Who was the last person you texted? my friend and former roommate. today is her birthday.
82. When was the last time you cried? like an hour ago lmfao.
83. Who is your favorite YouTuber? i don’t have one haha. vevo i guess.
84. Do you like to take selfies? do i like taking them? not really. it takes me too damn long to get one that looks good enough. i like sending stupid selfies to friends though.
85. What is your favorite app? i use twitter probably the most but my favorite app is my spider solitaire game haha.
86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? we are very close. i would say both of my parents are my biggest supporters and cheerleaders but how they do that looks a bit different. my mom and i are very similar but sometimes how we handle certain things is very different so we can be the best of friends one day and the completely butt heads the next.
87. What is your favorite foreign accent? i loovveeeee a scottish accent and an irish accent. also tbrh i love a good southern boy drawl. like idk if i could play for you all the way this one dude who works with my mom talks? i would because i wanna bottle it and listen to it whenever i feel bad.
88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? i would really like to go to norway for my birthday.
89. What is your favorite number? i don’t have one.
90. Can you juggle? nope but i did try and learn i have a video of it somewhere lmfao.
91. Are you religious? kind of. i’m more spiritual than religious and lowkey hate saying that because it sounds so hoitietoitie but it’s true.
92. Do you find outer space or the deep ocean to be more interesting? the ocean. so much of it we haven’t explored. thinking about space makes me feel existential and dead inside.
93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? nah haha
94. Are you allergic to anything? yeah i’m supposed to take one claritin a day but like i don’t.
95. Can you curl your tongue? yeah
96. Can you wiggle your ears? nope :(
97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? i’ll admit i’m wrong if i’m actually wrong but you’re gonna have to a helluva lot of convincing to get me there lmfao. though if my being “wrong” has caused harm to someone else i’ll apologize quicker than lightning because the last thing i would want is for my stubbornness to hurt someone i love.
98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? um the mountains
99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? "never turn down a date. you never know who you might meet while you’re out” -my grandmother to my mother to me.
100. Are you a good liar? lmfaooooo i am a reformed liar.
101. What is your Hogwarts House? HUFFLEPUFF BAYBEEE
102. Do you talk to yourself? yah
103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? an introvert. i may be loud and talkative sis but i promise you i’m over compensating because i want you to like me lmfao.
104. Do you keep a journal/diary? i have a private twitter does that count.
105. Do you believe in second chances? depends.
106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do?imma keep it real with you chief i would keeps the money lmfao. in the past i would’ve tried to return it to the owner but i am big broke bois with a lot of unexpected expenses coming up so like... yeah lmfao. we keepin that coint.
107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? sometimes.
108. Are you ticklish? yes lmfao
109. Have you ever been on a plane? yeah!
110. Do you have any piercings? yah i got my lobes pierced one on each ear, my nose, and a cartilage piercing.
111. What fictional character do you wish was real? my girl nancy drew.
112. Do you have any tattoos? yeah i got 2 of em.
113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? idk lmfao. probably when i applied for cityterm and when i appled to go back to undergrad.
114. Do you believe in karma? Yeah but not in a “oh you hurt me? you’re gonna get your come uppins” way but in a every action affects your soul and your being kinda way.
115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? im supposed to wear glasses but ask me if im wearing em right now lmfao.
116. Do you want children? presently i don’t see myself wanting or having kids but i want to foster.
117. Who is the smartest person you know? my friends lol.
118. What is your most embarrassing memory? literally every single memory has a tinge of embarassment lol. but probz when i walked into the cafeteria my first day of highschool as a smol freshman and my knees locked up and i fell forward and my giant ass backpack (because i never used my locker ever in any grade) wrapped around my neck and had me stuck in a strange position in the middle of the parting of the tables in the cafeteria.
119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? hell yeah lmfao.
120. What color are most of you clothes? blue or black
121. Do you like adventures? yeah!
122. Have you ever been on TV? yeah but like on the news and shit.
123. How old are you? 24
124. What is your favorite quote? i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? OOF TOUGH BUT UHHH probz sweet.
#wow i managed to answer every single one of em lmfao#delete later#ramblings#wemp womp#tagged youre it#tag games#if you read this whole thing then#you deserve a cookie#or a gold star#whatever you prefer
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Undisclosed Desires
My second @phandombigbang fic was unfortunately deleted (along with many of my other posts) so I am reposting this! I’m sorry for the inconvenience. This has been one of my favorite fics to write so far, ask me about it if you want to know more. Enjoy!
Thank you to @just-another-phanfic for making amazing art! You can find it here. Thank you also so so much for stepping in as my beta <3
Tags: major fluff, angst, extremely brief mentions of: self-harm, suicide, and abuse, implied smut, vague descriptions of tattoo needles/machines, tattoo artist!phil, HAPPY ENDING
Word Count: ~11.8k
Summary: Phil Lester is a tattoo artist who makes art come to life on his clients’ skin. One day, a new client walks in. A young man with stars and broken glass in his eyes and curly hair. Dan, the client, doesn’t really say much, Phil’s learned, but he soon becomes a regular at Phil’s tattoo parlor. Phil found the brunet cute, to say the least, but he really has no choice but to confront his feelings when Dan asks for a tattoo splaying across his hips.
(song!)
(ao3!) <– you can find the complete list of flower meanings here
(check out my other fics!)
~~~~~~~~~~
“Hey Phil, do I have any other appointments after this?” Travis asked over the buzz of the tattoo machine.
Phil hopped off the stool, where he had been watching Travis work, and opened the store appointment book. He sighed when he saw the state of it. The times were all messed up and half of the writing was nearly illegible, but granted, that’s what Phil got for letting Travis do the books this week.
"Is that Shelly?" he asked, squinting at the page to try and make out the words. It was the last name on the list that hadn't been scribbled out, but the time read for almost three hours from now.
"Yeah, I moved her up after Tony cancelled again."
"Then yeah, you've got nothing else for today. You think he's ever going to come back and get that shading finished?"
"Who knows? Maybe the guy likes walking around with a half-finished tattoo. Maybe he thinks it looks badass like that."
Phil snorted and closed the book just as he heard the woman—Shelly, as it seemed—suck in a deep breath as Travis continued to do the line work for her tattoo. Travis reminded her to breathe before continuing.
"Would you mind if I left a little early then? Jess' parents are coming over later and she wants me to be there when they arrive."
"Sure, I'll handle any walk-ins we have, as long as you bring breakfast tomorrow."
"Deal."
Phil grinned.
"Good luck, mate, we all know how much her parents just adore you."
Travis laughed and gave Phil a glance in between the lines he was inking before turning his attention back to his work.
"I think you're confusing 'adore' and 'hate-with-all-their-might' again, Phil."
~~~~~
Travis slipped his coat over his shoulders and gave his station another once-over.
"You sure you're okay with this? I don't want a shit ton of people to walk in like last time I asked to leave early and you end up staying until ass-crack o'clock because they were willing to pay triple and you can't say no."
"Don't worry, I'm only doing it for the doughnuts you promised me an hour ago, not a potential pay increase."
"Doughnuts? You said breakfast, mate. For all you know I could bring in a half eaten box of cereal and throw it at your head."
Phil put a hand on his chest and feigned the best horrified expression he could manage on the fly.
"Travis, you wound me."
He couldn't keep a straight face though and cracked a smile. Travis grinned back and pulled him into one of those bro hugs that, before meeting Travis, Phil had thought were just a joke.
"I'll see you tomorrow Phil. And do yourself a favor and just tell people to come in the next day alright? You're too nice sometimes."
"Yeah yeah yeah, go on, get out of here and try and survive a night with the in-laws." Phil said, shooing Travis towards the door. He stuck out a tongue when Travis gave him the finger and shut the door behind him, waving before turning around and walking back behind the counter. He sat back up on his stool and took out his phone. He didn't have anything scheduled for the rest of the day, and while walk-ins were always possible, he wasn't betting on there being many on a late Tuesday afternoon. He checked the clock as the game loaded. There were about two hours before closing time, but Phil could probably sneak out in one if there weren't any walk-ins—Travis wouldn't care if he slipped out a bit early.
Flappy Bird loaded and all of his attention flocked straight to the pixel animation on his screen. He grinned. An hour playing games wouldn't be so bad.
~~~~~
Phil checked his pockets, making sure he had his wallet and phone on him. It had been a little over an hour since Travis had left, and Phil was heavily looking forward to returning to his flat and curling up on the couch with some leftover pizza from last night.
He casted a glance over the rest of the store behind him. He had already wiped down the tattoo equipment and lavished his tattoo machine in care and attention because he had actually had the time for once. He had swept and taken out the trash, as well as all of the other little miscellaneous chores that were required to be done on a daily basis. Phil had even sat down and attempted to decode the appointment book, but decided against it almost instantly when he was once again faced with Travis' impossible scrawl.
"Perfect," he muttered to himself, locking the back office before turning back around and walking back to the front, past the handful of tattoo booths. Phil was humming softly to himself and swinging his keys on his finger, a smile on his face. He adored his job with every fiber of his being, but there was just something inherently refreshing in leaving early, even if it was for not much more than an hour.
Phil yelped in surprise when he rounded a corner to find someone waiting in the lobby, his keys flying off of his finger and hitting the floor as his body froze and the keys' momentum kept them going.
The guy jumped and looked up from where he was leafing through one of the flash tattoo binders at the loud entrance Phil made, and Phil hastily tried to explain himself.
"I'm sorry! I didn't hear you come in and I was, uh, just taking care of some stuff in the back." Phil said, gesturing hopelessly behind him as if it would explain everything. The guy didn't follow Phil's hand and continued to not really pay Phil much mind, minus his snap to attention at the sound of Phil's keys hitting the ground.
"Can you tattoo me? Your website said you didn't close for another hour."
His voice was cautious and extremely soft, but also completely and utterly flat and monotone. Phil wanted to frown at it, not used to hearing someone sound so...sad? Defeated? He didn't know.
"Sure. Did you find a flash design that you liked? I'm afraid if you wanted anything custom I could probably only give you a consultation and draw something up for you due to time and all that."
"No," the guy said, closing the binder and putting it back onto the table, "I was just looking. I just want words, if that's okay?" He stood, but he continued to keep their gazes from meeting. His whole frame was hunched over and closed in on itself. Phil wondered why, but didn't dare press the issue—it wasn't his place.
"Yeah, that's fine." Phil said, walking into the room more and sitting down across from him. Phil didn't miss how the guy took a step back and curled his shoulders into himself even more than they were at the action, but didn't say anything.
"What would you like? And where?"
The guy reached behind him and dug out a wadded up piece of paper and a pen, unwrinkling it as best as he could. He then leaned over and started to write something, his brow crinkled in concentration. He wrote slowly and steadily, like he was trying his hardest to make it neat. When he was done, he sat up and handed it to Phil, once again avoiding looking directly in his eyes. Phil looked over what he had written and nodded, recognizing the lyrics.
"Good song. Is this all?"
"Yeah. I want it in my handwriting though. And right here," he said, reaching up and pulling away his jumper collar, tapping his finger on his collarbone, "please."
Phil frowned. Tattoos in general were painful. How much pain someone experienced with a tattoo varied person to person, but a general rule was that tattoos that are on areas with less skin, muscle, and tissue between the tattoo needle and bone, hurt more. Collarbones and ribs were easy and painful examples.
Phil let his eyes scan over the exposed skin once more. This guy's collarbone was easily visible and therefore would probably hurt like hell.
"Are you sure? Collarbone tattoos hurt, especially when they're on ones as prominent as yours…" Phil said, trailing off and still concerned whether this guy knew what he was getting into. But he just nodded.
"Yes. I'm sure."
"Okay, let me just trace over this to create a stencil and get all set up. I'll be right back." Phil held out his hand. "I'm Phil by the way," he said with a smile, hoping to help the guy relax. He didn't smile back, but his hand was warm and soft in Phil's.
"Dan."
Phil stood.
"Alright, give me a minute, Dan."
He made his quick exit and filed himself away where he and Travis kept the equipment to make a stencil. Phil worked quickly, but let his mind wander.
Dan was tall—though not as tall as Phil—and lanky, full of sharp edges and small curves. He had a nice face framed with a mass of curls coagulated on top of his head and pink lips. He was attractive, yes, but Phil didn't really go for kicked-puppy-looking men, as in his experience, it was only an act to hide their shitty personality.
Phil rolled his eyes at himself when he realized his train of thought and derailed it: he may not know Dan, but he didn't have to make any bad assumptions about the guy.
Minus Dan's inherent prettiness, he was obviously a ball of anxiety, or just extremely nervous. He was jumpy and had yet to look Phil in the eyes, not to mention return one of Phil's smiles. None of those things were necessarily bad per se, there was something just...missing from Dan. A spark, an emotion, Phil didn't know, but he got a distinct, instinctual feeling that something was just off about him. Maybe it was his flat voice or almost scared posture, or something else, but he just was.
Which was fine, Dan was allowed to be however he wanted, Phil was only there to tattoo him.
Phil shoved away the various materials he was working with along with the paper of Dan's handwriting as he stood, the newly made stencil in his hand. He walked back to the waiting room where he had left Dan.
"Hey Dan," Phil asked, mentally kicking himself for forgetting again, and not asking earlier, "do you have some kind of ID on you? I forgot to make sure you're legal." Phil continued, a little sheepish. "I know you're probably older than eighteen, I just have to make sure. Parlor rules and all."
This was not the first time that checking the ID of people had slipped his mind. Phil had had plenty of teens over the years try and weasel their way into getting a tattoo before they were eighteen, which was why he and Travis had ended up implementing the no-exceptions rule in the first place.
Phil breathed an internal sigh of relief as Dan slipped his wallet out of his pocket and wordlessly showed Phil his driver's license.
"Thank god you're legal," Phil said with a bit of a breathless laugh. "I didn't really want to kick another sixteen year old out this week."
Phil's eye caught on the date of Dan's birthday, and his eyes widened in surprise.
"Hey, wait, you turned twenty-six today? Happy birthday!" Phil cried, his mouth splitting open wide, eyes snapping up to Dan's. Their eyes met for a fraction of a second before Dan was tearing them away, Phil's chest left feeling warm.
Phil wasn't one to miss detail. Mostly because it was his job—Phil's specialty in hyper-realistic tattoos making it essential to spot the things that people would normally skim over. So in that half a second, Phil was able to map out the gold flecks starbursting out from Dan's pupil and the incredible range of browns melting together and flowing apart. He saw the sadness like broken glass, but also the shreds of joy bursting up over Phil's words, and it all rushed over Phil like a tidal wave.
Jesus, he has really pretty eyes.
"Thanks," Dan said a little weakly, but with a faint tone of happiness at Phil's birthday well-wishes. The corner of his lip twitched into a half-happy-half-sad smile, and Phil had the impression that Dan hadn't had anyone wish him a good birthday yet today. The thought made Phil's heart clench.
He turned back around and beckoned Dan to follow him, leading Dan to Phil's bench and gesturing for Dan to take a seat as he gathered what he needed. Phil pulled on his gloves and opened the cabinet to his left, flopping back on his rolly chair. He settled on a round liner needle—since he wouldn't be doing any shading on Dan's tattoo—and pulled one out. He assembled it onto his tattoo machine after inspecting the needle for any defects, threading it through and fastening it with three rubber bands. Phil tested it twice to make sure that everything was settled before getting up. He returned with black ink in a disposable container, and a cup of water.
As it turned out, Dan had to remove his jumper due to the collar being too tight to rest off of his shoulder comfortably and safely without the possibility it would slide off and snap back into place in the middle of tattooing him. As it also turned out, Dan had very, very pretty lightly tanned skin that Phil appreciated from a strictly artistic viewpoint.
Dan's cheeks were dusted pink as soon as the jumper was off of him, and he hastily let his left arm cover his stomach, his balled up shirt in his grasp. Phil tried to give him his most reassuring look, but Dan once again wasn't quite looking at him.
Which was fine, Phil understood completely.
Phil applied the stencil after prepping the area and he okayed the placement with Dan. He dipped his gloved finger into the water and ghosted the few droplets onto the back of the stencil. Phil repeated the process as necessary, but he ended up chewing on the inside of his cheek all the same, quietly observing what nice collarbones Dan had and how the water glistened on his skin.
Once Phil peeled back the stencil and nodded—pleased at how the words transferred—he used a little hand mirror he had buried in one of his cabinets to make sure Dan was 100% okay with it. Dan just nodded before settling back against the tattoo bench, staring up at the ceiling as he waited for Phil to start.
Phil clicked on his tattoo machine and leaned over, bringing the needle to Dan's skin.
Most people, when they get tattooed, they react. They squirm, they tense up, they squeeze their eyes shut or bite down on something. They blast music, try and distract themselves by bringing a friend or chatting with their artist, anything.
Dan, however, didn't.
Phil, trying to give Dan a chance and get used to the ordeal of tattooing, had started as far away from his collarbone as the design allowed, even taking it slow at first and cheering Dan on silently, but now Phil was half-way through and Dan had yet to even twitch. His worries over how Dan would take it were seemingly unfounded because Phil was directly over Dan's impossibly exposed collarbone and all Dan was doing was laying back, breathing calmly and staring up at the ceiling like this was the easiest thing he'd ever done.
Phil was in shock.
He had been tattooing professionally for over ten years, had tattooed every place imaginable on a person's body, had seen thousands of customers, and no one had ever reacted so peacefully to a tattoo in such a painful area.
Normally, at this point, he would be leaning back, asking if the person he was working on needed a break, but Phil flicked his eyes over Dan's relaxed body and just kept going, finishing the 's' he was in the midst of and wiping the skin before moving onto the 'e'.
Sooner rather than later, Phil was shutting off his machine and setting it down, unhooking the needle and rubber bands holding it and throwing the needle away. He rifled through his cabinets to find his bandages and pulled them out.
Phil wiped down the skin one last time, looking up at Dan, who had torn his gaze away from the ceiling and was now watching Phil.
"Do you want a picture before I wrap it?"
"No, it's okay."
He bandaged the fresh tattoo, smiling as he surveyed the ink curling around Dan's collarbone.
"Well, I think it's great, and not just because I'm biased. Lyrics are always a good choice, but Radiohead ones? Almost as amazing as Muse-inspired tattoos." Phil rambled, scooting back on his chair when he was finished with the bandage, his fingers warm from the body heat radiating off of Dan.
Dan was smiling a little as he sat up, tossing a half-glance in Phil's direction, nodding to what Phil was saying. He tugged on his jumper, Phil's gaze following the slide of the material. However, Phil's mouth ran dry and his heart caught in his chest when he saw a fist-sized bruise span Dan's side, right where he had rushed to cover with his arm earlier.
Phil frantically looked up at Dan's face, trying to meet his eyes.
"Are you okay?" He asked, his voice strained and his gaze slipping back down to burn a hole in Dan's jumper where it continued to cover the bruise.
Maybe Phil shouldn't have said anything. Maybe he just should have silently acknowledged it, given Dan a bit of a supportive smile and reduced his tattoo price. Maybe that's what anyone else would have done. But Phil just honest to god couldn't.
Because suddenly, maybe the sadness in Dan's eyes made a little bit more sense and Phil wanted to be wrong, he wanted to be so wrong in his jump to conclusions, but there was a sick feeling in his gut that told him that he was right.
Dan froze in the midst of climbing off the tattoo bench. Phil watched as a dozen emotions that he couldn't name flew across Dan's face faster than he could pinpoint, and Dan squeezed his eyes shut.
For a heartbeat, everything was still.
Then Dan slid off the bench and opened his eyes, keeping them trailed on his feet.
"I'm fine."
Bullshit! a voice screamed in Phil's head, but then Dan was looking up at him with a pleading look on his face, and the words of protest at Dan's blatant lie died in his throat.
Phil's stomach churned. If he had glimpsed Dan's back, would he have seen more bruises spanning his skin? If he hadn't been so engrossed in his work, would he have caught another flash of black and blue?
He didn't know, but he wanted to because fuck, that shouldn't happen to anyone.
Yet, it wasn't his place.
But god did Phil wish it was.
"How much do I owe you?" Dan asked when Phil did nothing but stare just as pleadingly back, Dan's voice just as soft and heartbroken as when he had first spoken.
"Nothing," Phil blurted out.
Looking pained, Dan just shook his head.
"Please let me pay for this, Phil. I'm fine, I promise."
Phil kept his gaze on Dan, but Dan didn't relent, and Phil crumbled.
"Okay, let me ring you up then."
"Thank you," Dan breathed out, and followed Phil back to the register. Phil, a lance in his heart, just did as Dan pleaded and rung him up. Dan's tattoo was small and didn't require fine detail, so already the price wasn't that high, but that didn't stop him from taking a few pounds off because he could, damnit.
Dan just pulled his wallet back out and handed Phil the money, slipping in extra, but not without Phil catching him.
"Dan, please, you don't have to-"
"You're supposed to tip your tattoo artist, Phil. This tattoo means a lot to me, and you worked hard on it. Thank you." Dan said, finally, finally pushing his eyes up to meet Phil's, determination and genuine gratitude swirling through them.
"Dan…" he said, trailing off. His eyes caught on the edge of the bandage peeking out from Dan's collar, and he could easily see the ink pressed into his skin in his mind's eye. Before he could guess what they meant, and really, Phil still had no clue as to what those lines were worth to Dan, but he had a much better idea now. He could only hope they were true.
"Thank you," Dan said again, pushing the money into Phil's hand, his fingers soft and gentle where they skimmed Phil's skin. Dan smiled, and it was the realest smile Phil had seen from him.
Dan stepped back and gave a little wave before turning around and pushing past the door, the bell at the top chiming as he left.
Pained, Phil just watched him leave.
He looked down at the cash in his hand, and sighed, slipping it into his pocket even if it felt like blood money. He rubbed his temple and turned back around. He walked back to his station where he had just had Dan with him, heart heavy. Phil cleaned up, wiping down the bench and giving his tattoo machine one last once-over. He pulled his jacket up from where it had fallen off of the back of his chair and slipped it over his shoulders once more. Phil flicked off the lights and cursed himself when the backlight where the stencils were made still shined. He had forgotten to turn it off evidently after he had made Dan's stencil. Not necessarily abnormal, but deeply unwelcome when his soul hurt and he just wanted to curl up in bed and curse humanity for being so fucked up because Phil cared too much.
Phil groaned when he was reminded how his past self had just shoved everything out of the way and not taken the time to legitimately clean it up. But he was a man of habit, and if the parlor was a mess then he couldn't bring himself to leave.
So Phil gathered the trash and threw it away, put the stencil equipment back in its place, and bent down to pick up the pen he had used off of the ground. He scooped up a piece of paper that was also on the ground, and glanced at it before tossing it in the bin.
His heart throbbed again at Dan's handwriting staring back up at him, but Phil tried to push it away. He was well aware that he was nothing but a bystander in this situation, and even outside of that, he didn't even know the situation, he only had a guess. And no matter how he would look at it, he'd never know what was really happening unless Dan decided to tell him, a stranger, which would never happen.
So he had to hope.
He read the lyrics again and breathed out deeply, his heart hurting a little less. Dan would be fine.
Phil tossed the paper into the bin, the words fluttering down until Phil could no longer see the words Tonight I'll set you free scribbled in Dan's penmanship.
As Phil locked up and walked out of the tattoo parlor, he smiled. He hoped Dan was enjoying his first night of freedom.
~~~~~
Phil wiped away the sweat on his forehead with the back of his arm and hunched back over, using the fine needle he was working with to add the finishing touches to the tattoo he was detailing.
A realistic watercolor-style flower was spanning the thigh of the girl on Phil's bench. This was her third and final appointment, and Phil was already fifteen minutes past the time he had originally allotted.
"Almost there," he muttered when her hand started to fidget again, "I'm just blending a bit to make it look a lot more natural."
She nodded and gripped the chair as Phil went back to work.
Twenty minutes later, she was done and thanking Phil over and over as she paid, positively beaming and saying that she absolutely loved it. Phil was just as excited as she was because moments like this were the reason why he picked his profession; he wanted to make people happy with themselves and their bodies. Every eye-crinkling smile at the end result was a rush for Phil.
"Phil! I need to you handle the walk-ins we have. Xander and I are in the middle of appointments, and you were supposed to be done ages ago, mate." Travis called from where he was hunched over his own customer. "The guy with the curly hair was here first, and I already got his stencil done before Stacy here walked in so go get him done before anyone else."
Phil called his agreement—as well as an apology—over his shoulder and quickly threw away the needles and empty cups of ink, and cleaned up everything from the last tattoo he had done. Phil wiped down the bench and picked up the stencil in the back where Travis had left it before he had to work on his scheduled appointment. It was a little constellation, about the width of Phil's palm. Because he had been asked to do the zodiac signs of people for years now, he easily recognized it as the outline of the Leo constellation.
"Sorry for the wait, we're a little backed up today. Can I have whoever is getting a Leo tattoo done?" Phil asked, walking into the waiting room. There were three people in the seats. Two were what looked like a mother and her teenage daughter that were paging through one of the flash tattoo books, and the last person was sitting with his back to Phil, looking at his phone. The guy looked up when Phil spoke, tucking his phone into his back pocket and standing. Phil recognized him immediately.
"Dan?" he asked, jaw dropping. "You're back!" he finished, a smile pulling up the corners on his mouth. Dan didn't really look him in the eyes, but he did return Phil's grin a little.
"Yeah, I'm back."
It had been over three weeks since Dan had first walked into Phil's tattoo parlor, and Phil honestly hadn't thought that he would see him again, but as Phil glanced over Dan's frame—everything about him just the same—Phil knew that he was more than glad that Dan had found his way back.
"So Dan," Phil asked in the middle of assembling his tattoo machine with a round liner needle, "last time you were here it was your birthday, and I know a thing or two about zodiac stuff since they're such a well-asked-for tattoo, so I know you wouldn't be a Leo. I'm still curious as to why you picked it, however. Can I ask why you're getting it done?"
Phil attached the rubber bands onto the machine and tested it, sparing Dan a glance. Dan shrugged a little, seemingly uncomfortable.
"Just...kinda because, I guess?"
Phil nodded, dropping the topic. He set his machine down and picked up the stencil with his gloved hands.
"Fair enough. I've had tattoos done 'just because' as well." Phil said, hoping to make Dan relax. Phil had forgotten how high-strung he was. "Can you take your jumper off? I need it out of the way again to do this where you want."
Dan nodded, and suddenly Phil could feel a tension between them. Or, more like a tension emanating from Phil, right in time with the breath that seemed to get stuck in his throat.
Last time Dan had his shirt off for a tattoo, Phil had seen bruises.
Would there be more?
Phil honest-to-god might cry if there were.
Dan pulled off his jumper and with every inch of skin that was revealed, Phil let his eyes roam, searching for evidence that this man was being mistreated.
There was nothing new, which made Phil almost sigh in relief.
The bruise that he had noticed last time had obviously had time to heal—it wasn't black and blue, but a muted yellow of sorts; it was clearly on the mend.
Phil also noticed the first tattoo he'd given Dan, the black letters standing out against Dan's skin.
"Your tattoo is healing really well. You've obviously been taking care of it." Phil said, carefully avoiding the elephant in the room. They both knew that Phil had looked, and they both knew what Phil was looking for. However, that didn't mean that they had to talk about it.
Last time Dan certainly hadn't wanted to.
"I love it," Dan said simply, and Phil knew his sentiments exactly.
Phil himself had many tattoos—what respectable tattoo artist didn't? The art on Phil's body collectively didn't have much in common. Some he'd given himself in his apprenticeship days, others he'd gotten done by other artists. And all of them, from the garden of plants spanning his side and back to the little Pikachu on his wrist, he'd taken care of religiously because having something that you love etched into your skin? Priceless. There's no other option but to take care of them in Phil's mind.
"Yeah," he said, checking over his equipment and the stencil on Dan's skin yet again in a nervous habit of his, "I know what you mean."
Neither of them said anything after that, but the silence wasn't by any means strained. If anything, as Phil started to etch the lines of ink into Dan's skin, the lack of conversation felt comfortable and normal—more like something that Phil had been doing with Dan for years.
This tattoo was even less complicated than the first one that Dan had had done, so they were done much sooner; a handful of lines and dots representing the stars were crawling over Dan's collarbone by the time Phil ended up pulling away.
"All done." Phil said, leaning back. Dan sat up, looking down at his collarbone even though he wouldn't be able to see the whole thing from his perspective.
"Thank you."
There was the beginning of a smile playing at Dan's lips, making Phil beam.
Ten minutes later Dan was walking right back out of the door of the tattoo parlor, the same little wave Dan gave Phil last time making another appearance. The gentle smile on Dan's lips was still there, the corners pulled up higher than Phil had ever seen them. The sight made Phil's chest grow warm.
~~~~~
Over the next four months, Dan became a common sight in the tattoo parlor. He was in at least once every two weeks, asking for something that generally fit the m.o. of all of his other tattoos: small, typically uncomplicated, and carrying hidden meanings that Phil only wished that he could know. And even though Phil was always the one to tattoo him, all of the other artists knew him at this point and greeted him whenever they saw him as if Dan was a friend. Every time it happened Phil saw the happiness blossom across his pretty face at being acknowledged.
Now, after months of steady tattooing, Dan had a respectable amount of his pale skin covered.
His third tattoo was no larger than the length of Phil's fingers and only a few inches wide. It was of a bear, it's paws dissolving into stars. The bear was near the crease of Dan's right elbow, on the inside of his forearm. Phil remembered the session vividly after seeing the faint, vertical, white scars on Dan's skin. When he had seen them he couldn't stop his fingers from running lightly down them, tracing the lines with the pads of his fingertips, frowning. That tattoo had taken two appointments to finish the shading.
The fourth tattoo Dan got from Phil was a loose line of leaves blowing in an invisible wind, spiraling up the span of Dan's left forearm. There were half a dozen in total, starting at Dan's wrist and stopping a few inches short of his elbow.
Dan's fifth tattoo was a hand-sized, linework-only heart on his upper right arm, cor cordium inscribed in between the veins. (Phil had googled the words after Dan had left before he had forgotten them. They meant "heart of hearts" in latin.)
His sixth tattoo was another phrase, the words have the courage to exist—once again in Dan's handwriting—on the inside of his wrist, partially overlapping a much larger and much deeper white scar that ran horizontal along his right forearm.
The seventh tattoo was of flowers and leaves. They were on Dan's right shoulder, spilling over a little to his collarbone and quite a bit onto his shoulder blade. Phil added in minuscule splashes of color to some of the petals after the standard black shading. (The end product was much better with the color in Phil's opinion.)
He and Dan ended up seeing each other regularly in those months, and Phil found himself looking forward to the next pleasant surprise of having Dan walk through his parlor door.
A few weeks after Dan's latest tattoo he wandered in much earlier in the day than ever before, almost as soon as they had opened.
"I want something different this time."
"Oh yeah? What kind of different?" Phil asked, pulling his sketchbook closer, flipping past drawings to get to a blank page; Dan had warned him when he walked through the door that this tattoo would need proper designing.
"I want claw marks on my ribs, but I don't want them to be bloody or whatever. I want the part of me that's 'clawed away' to reveal a galaxy underneath. Kind of like I have the universe inside of me, as stupid as that sounds."
Phil thought for a moment, his pencil hovering over the page for a count of ten before he started drawing. It took them several re-draws, but they ended up with something that not only looked badass but made Dan smile in approval.
Due to appointment scheduling, Phil didn't have any time to start right away, but Dan left with an appointment for exactly ten days away. Ten days that slugged by so much slower than Phil wanted.
The first appointment passed without trouble. The linework for the claw marks and some of the fundamental shading was done in their few hours together. The next few appointments happened just the same, though they all focused on the shading and building the forms of the claw marks and the beginnings of the galaxy.
With every appointment however, Phil found his feelings...mixing, to say the least. His eyes lingered on the bends and curves of Dan's body, and his own fingers might have stayed just this side of too long on Dan's skin, their drag causing Dan to shiver just so slightly (something that gave Phil an irrational amount of pleasure, knowing that he could make Dan react like that).
He was also sure that he talked too much during the appointments. Since Dan wasn't that much of a talker, Phil went on and on about pretty much every scrap of thought that passed through his head. Dan surprisingly didn't tell him to shut up or make Phil feel as if he was annoying him; he listened attentively and would sometimes even softly chime in to offer his opinion on the recent rambling of Phil's. Every soft word of Dan's was a victory to Phil, and it only made Phil talk even more.
More appointments passed, and with each one the layers on Dan's tattoo were fitting seamlessly together, and altogether building the illusion of space flowing under Dan's skin. In the beginning Phil had entertained the idea of dragging out the sessions just a little, but he ultimately decided against it and instead poured his soul into the tattoo. Phil played a deathly amount of attention to detail and revisited areas several times after allowing them to heal in between. He used so many shades of ink that he lost track, but it didn't bother him in the slightest.
The moment he finished it was one that he would remember for the rest of his life. The first thing he did was sit back and stare in disbelief at the art in front of him. The art he made.
"It's done," he had muttered.
Dan heard and sat up to have a proper look himself. Phil watched in rapt attention, his mouth open as he watched the universe inked into Dan's skin ripple and move with him as he sat up. It made the whole thing seem alive.
It was by far the most beautiful tattoo Phil had had the pleasure of bringing into existence.
Dan seemed to share Phil's sentiments. Together they stared at it until Dan looked up at Phil, awe in his eyes.
"Phil, it's...it's bloody amazing. I don't even know what to say. Thank you so much, fuck, I love it." There was a smile so wide on Dan's face that it showed two dimples that Phil had never seen before. Quite frankly, between Dan's soft beauty and how well weeks of his work turned out, Phil had needed to catch his breath.
That was weeks ago.
He hadn't seen Dan since, and while he understood that he had zero claim on Dan's time, Phil still found himself glancing every time the door opened in the hope that it would be Dan. In some sense, Phil was remorseful over not letting the sessions drag a little because now Phil didn't get to see him.
Phil was on his phone playing one of his many games; it was an especially slow day. They hadn't had any walk-ins, and there were few appointments scheduled. That all translated into Phil being bored as hell.
He didn't look up when the bell chimed—it had been too long since Dan had last been in for him to properly hope for Dan to walk through—but he did slip his phone away. He got up from where he had been lounging and walked to the waiting room; he rounded the corner and started to greet the customer, but felt his jaw drop to the floor when he came face-to-face with Dan.
There was something different about him. He was stood straighter, and he actually met Phil's eyes without shying away. The bags under his eyes were the smallest Phil had ever seen them and the curls a top his head were messy due to general lack of styling, not looking as if the strands had been pulled by stressed hands. He wasn't as pale and even looked generally healthier.
"Hey, Phil."
"Hi, oh my gosh, I thought you weren't going to come back." Phil rambled, a smile on his face. Dan was grinning as well, his right dimple a shallow depression in his cheek.
"Oh come on, you know I wouldn't be able to stay away from you." Phil's heart dropped at the words. He tried to keep his mind from somersaulting to conclusions, but it might have been too late. Meanwhile, Dan's mouth twisted a little, like he had said something he wasn't supposed to, but he didn't try to change it. "Anyways, I have another tattoo idea in mind. It's not as labor intensive as the last one, don't worry, but it means a lot."
Phil nodded to show that he was listening, but was mentally hung up on Dan's little "it means a lot." All of Dan's tattoos had meant something to him—from what Phil could gather at least—but he had never expressed it so vocally. What was different about this one?
"What are you looking for?"
"Flowers, namely. Here, I have a list of all of the ones I want."
Dan dug a paper out of his jeans pocket and passed it to Phil. The paper was torn at the edges and crumpled, as well as covered in writing. There were eight total flowers, and Phil knew quite a few of them, but hadn't even heard of two. Meanings and half-baked thoughts were spread over the rest of the paper, some crossed out and others were circled. He couldn't read all of them at the moment, but he got the gist.
"I want it to look a lot like my shoulder one, but with more shading, if you wouldn't mind."
"How much more?"
"As much as you want. I want this to look as realistic as you can make it."
Phil nodded, already thinking about ways to arrange the flowers.
"Where do you want it?"
"Here," Dan said, putting his palm in his hip bone, his fingers splayed across his thigh, "right on my hip. I'd like for it to cover a bit of my side and thigh as well."
Phil swallowed to replace the moisture in his mouth. He couldn't deny that he found Dan attractive, nor that tattooing Dan hasn't affected him. Hell, Phil would constantly sneak guilty looks whenever Dan had had to remove his shirt for some of the other tattoos Phil had given him. But collarbones and the bumps of ribs were suddenly so much easier to handle than the prospect of spending extended amounts of time with his hands on Dan's hips.
He's going to be the death of me.
Phil didn't even ponder giving his heart a break from his crush and have one of the other artists work with Dan for this tattoo—Phil knew he would get too jealous.
"Do you have a more specific design?" Phil asked, praying that Dan couldn't hear his voice warble in the beginning. Dan shook his head.
"I want you to design it."
Phil closed his eyes and nodded, breathing deeply. His own design, right on what was an intimate area of Dan's body. Damn, okay, Dan really was going to be the death of him.
I appreciate the cute boy, universe, but this is just unfair, he thought.
~~~~~
Phil tested his tattoo gun. When he was sure it was working properly he dipped it in the cup of ink and brought the needle to Dan's skin, starting on the outline of the peony.
A few days ago Dan had asked for this tattoo. They'd spent two hours drawing it and making the stencil along with setting up a series of appointments for it. This was Dan's first one, and all they had planned was the line art. Simple enough, but Phil's left leg was still shaking.
Dan was laying on his side on the tattoo bench so his right hip was easily accessible for Phil. There was a blanket wrapped around his legs and torso to cover his body, which was naked from the waist down. The blanket was pulled away from his one hip so Phil could tattoo him, and really all of Dan that was exposed was the area he wanted inked and a bit of his ass, but Phil was still out of breath. He blamed Dan's smooth, unblemished skin for making Phil this much of a mess.
Travis walked past them to help a customer when the little bell above the door chimed. He shot Phil a wink and mouthed whipped. Phil suddenly regretted telling him about his crush on Dan a few weeks ago.
In short, Phil was nervous. He was pining. He was trying to stay calm and keep his freak-out internal. All of the pressure made him start to ramble, but he was certain that it was much less coherent than ever before.
The only thing that he didn't have to worry about was his hands, thank god. A combination of steel-like will refusing to make Dan's tattoo anything but perfect and years of practice made the tattooing smooth and unrushed. Phil was so good, he was even able to have time to do a bit of shading with Dan's consent.
The whole appointment was about four hours long, but it passed in about five minutes. When Dan's gone, Phil takes a lunch break longer than any other to gather his wits. He spends most of it with Travis after deciding that company would get his pining heart back under control. It works, even with Travis teasing him the whole time.
"He's got you wrapped around his little finger, mate." Travis unhelpfully supplied, cackling. Phil grumbled in response, pouting.
"Yeah yeah, sure, let's make fun of Phil for falling for a guy a little bit."
"A little? Sorry to break it to you, but you're gone for him, Phil."
~~~~~
Phil glanced at the clock again. He wasn't going to finish it in this appointment like planned.
He leaned back and clicked off his tattoo machine. Dan looked up at him, a happy smile on his face.
"Is it done?" he asked, excitement in his voice. Phil hated to disappoint him, but he shook his head.
"I still have to add in some of the harsher shadows and a few of the highlights. We don't have enough time for that since I have someone else coming in right after you, and starting it to only clean up in about ten minutes doesn't make much sense. I'm sorry it's not done even though I said it probably would be."
Dan was still smiling, which was a relief. "It's fine, Phil, I really don't mind coming back."
Phil wrapped the tattoo and took the materials he had been working with to properly dispose of and clean them while Dan disappeared to the bathroom—still wrapped in the blanket—to redress himself. Dan sat on the tattoo bench and watched Phil clean everything up after he was done, which was absolutely adorable if you asked Phil. Since he had the time he got out what he needed for his next customer and attached a small magnum needle.
"What kind of tattoo are you working on next?"
Phil winced. "Shading on a...well...let me show you." He pulled his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through his pictures until he found what he was looking for; it was of a client after his latest appointment. All of the line art and about half of the shading was done on a dragon that curled around the hairline of the guy's face. It was small, but still easily noticeable. Phil handed the phone to Dan who started giggling.
"God, I can't believe he'd want something like that on his face. What an idiot."
Phil mumbled something in agreement, his head stuck on how happy Dan sounded when he was laughing.
"Good luck with that." The bell chimed, letting the both of them know that Phil's next client had arrived. Dan's smile became a little more wistful. "I guess I should get going then."
Phil shrugged, hoping that his disappointment at Dan leaving wasn't showing too much. "Unfortunately I do have another customer. Should I schedule you for the same time in another month?"
"No, my schedule got changed around at work and I won't have time to come it while you guys are open." Dan pouted, sadness in his eyes. "It won't last forever, but it'll be a little bit until we see each other again, Phil."
Phil felt the frown pull the corners of his lips down.
"When are you off?"
"Sundays I have the whole day. During the week I'm working longer during the day, so we'd really only have fifteen minutes by the time you guys closed. It's okay though, I don't mind waiting a little for the rest of my tattoo."
The thing was, Phil wasn't prepared to go who-knows-how-long without seeing Dan.
"Stay here for a second," Phil mumbled, a crazy idea unfurling in his head. He walked to the back of the parlor where Travis was lounging on the sofa in the break room. He looked up when Phil came in.
"What can I do for you, Phil?"
"Do you think I could open the parlor on a Sunday?"
Travis raised his eyebrow.
"Phil, Sunday is the whole parlor's day off; why the hell are we opening it then?"
"Not everyone, just me. Dan can't make it for another appointment when we're open, and we don't know when he'll be able to come back on his new work schedule, which makes Sunday his only option."
Travis snickered.
"How did I know this was about Dan?"
"Travis, please, be serious. Can I?"
Travis traced the rim of the can in his hands with his finger, thinking. He took a sip before nodding.
"Okay, but I need to know when you guys are going to be here, and it's gotta be in the books for liability reasons. Make sure it's just the two of you, and don't make it more than two hours. If he doesn't show after fifteen minutes you leave, alright?"
Phil beamed.
"Thanks, Travis, I owe you."
"Don't do anything indecent in our tattoo parlor, Phil!" Travis called after him when he turned and left. It made Phil's ears reden, but didn't put a damper on his mood.
Dan was right where Phil had left him.
"How do you feel about coming in after hours on a Sunday?"
"What? Phil, you guys are closed on Sunday."
"I talked it over with Travis, and he's okay with me finishing your tattoo when it works for you. All that's left is just you picking when."
"Philip Lester," Dan laughed, a twinkle in his eye, "you're absolutely insane."
~~~~~
Five weeks later Phil was unlocking the parlor doors in his pajamas, feeling sleepy, but overall excited for the next few hours.
Dan arrived almost as soon as Phil himself did. He was smiling and in the happiest mood Phil had ever seen him in. It was weird to think about the first time Dan had wandered into the tattoo parlor about a year ago, curled in on himself and horribly passive. It was a good weird though, because when he thought about it, he couldn't help but smile at how much progress Dan has made.
"Aw, did I wake you, Phil?"
"Make fun of Phil, sure, go ahead." He mumbled with a fake pout as he started to set up this things. Dan didn't bother with the waiting room, opting on throwing his jacket onto the tattoo bench before hopping up. Phil could feel Dan's eyes on him, and the attention caused the back of his neck to prickle. He hoped he wasn't blushing.
When Phil thought it was safe he snuck a glance. Dan was in a pair of grey joggers that clung loosely to his body and a too-big black t-shirt. His curls weren't tamed in the slightest and the little rosey spot on his jaw that appeared when he got flustered was there, drawing Phil's eyes.
"You don't look too stunning yourself there, Dan." I'm lying. You look amazing.
"Shut up!" Dan laughed. "Unlike you, normal people can't look like a model in their pajamas, Phil. Have some pity for the rest of us plebs."
Phil chuckled, but he was horribly uncertain. Had Dan just...called him attractive? Was he overthinking it? I most likely am, Phil decided. There was something about Dan that made Phil unsure of everything.
Well.
Not quite everything.
Phil pulled himself from his thoughts. How many times has he thought about spending more time with Dan? Too many to count. And now that he had it (just the two of them, at that) he was busy thinking!
"Right," Phil said after the stretch of silence, "I'm gonna get the ink, when I get back you should be ready for me then."
Phil stood to get the tattoo ink, but he didn't miss how Dan's hands went straight to the hem of his joggers, his thumbs tucking under the waistband. Embarrassed that his gaze had followed such a simple movement Phil guilty looked up only to freeze when he saw Dan's eyes on him.
There was no way he didn't see that. Fuck.
He blushed hard, Phil's whole face heating up. Dan's eyes had a question in them, but it was one that Phil decidedly didn't want to look for at this second. He gave Dan a strangled smile and turned around, booking it straight to the back room where they kept the ink.
Phil picked and measured the ink with hands shaking from his mortification. Dan probably thought of him as some kind of creep now no doubt.
When Phil worked up the courage to venture back out Dan was on his side, the parlor blanket draped over his body like always.
He wasn't so sure if it was a relief or not.
Regardless, Dan didn't bring Phil's little awkward exchange up, which he was sure that he was thankful for.
Phil worked through the first half of the flowers completely fine. He took up his normal routine of rambling about what Dan had missed out on in Phil's life since they had last met. Dan was a bit more vocal, his hums louder than normal and more expressive. When Phil moved onto the fifth flower he started talking about how he had been driving home two weeks ago, and some douche had given him the finger because he hadn't been moving fast enough.
"Are you serious?" Dan asked over the buzz of the tattoo machine.
"Yes! I wasn't doing anything!"
"What an asshole. Did you do anything back?"
"No. I wasn't about to stoop to his level, Daniel."
Dan snorted. "We both know that you didn't because you're too nice, Philip. If I were there though, I would have told him where to go for you."
"If I were there"
The four words hit Phil particularly hard. What if Dan had been there in the car with him? Would they have been going to Phil's to hang out as friends? Something else? A can of worms opened in Phil's head, and suddenly he was thinking a thousand scenarios that he could only wish would happen, and positively none of them were platonic.
For some reason, it made his heart ache.
After that moment, all of the rules they had nonverbally made shattered. Dan was talking more than usual; he was telling his own stories and making Phil laugh and smile, not the other way around. Dan also seemed to have lost his iron grip on his filter because Phil could name a few things he said that could be taken as flirty.
As a result, Phil's heart was flying all around the inside of his ribcage, and his head was hopelessly flipping between whether or not he should pursue it.
Best case he was reading the situation right and Dan actually had feelings for him as well. Worst case was Phil was horribly wrong and Dan (possibly homophobic in this scenario) would hate Phil and their friendship would end as abruptly as it began.
His anxiety told him that it was most likely the latter.
Phil clicked off the tattoo gun much sooner than he had anticipated. He studied the lines curling on Dan's skin for a flaw that he could fix, but there was none.
"Is it done?"
"Yeah. Looks like your latest tattoo is complete, Dan."
Dan took a few awkward pictures of his thigh before letting Phil wrap it. The whole time Dan was smiling wide enough for his dimple to appear on his cheek; Phil's heart ached longingly at seeing it.
After Phil ducked out of the room to let Dan pull on his pants, Dan helped Phil clean up the few empty cups of ink and other bits of trash while Phil cleaned his tattoo gun. They were standing at the register within fifteen minutes of Phil finishing Dan's tattoo even with his attempts at drawing the time out. He gave Dan his total and watched as Dan shuffled around in his wallet for the right amount of cash. (That was another thing about Dan. He always paid in cash.)
Feeling panicked at their time together slipping through Phil's fingers, he let his eyes drink in Dan standing before him, a sudden desperation to remember this moment perfectly taking over him. He traced over the dip of Dan's neck and the fall of his shoulders and over the curls of his hair, and certainly didn't miss how adorably soft Dan looked in his too-large clothing.
God, he wanted to kiss him so badly.
Phil wasn't sure what his expression was, or if his face was betraying what he was thinking about, but when Dan looked up with his money in hand, he immediately flushed scarlet.
Shit.
He opened his mouth to try and explain himself, but no words came out. Dan's eyes flicked from the floor, to Phil's face, and back to the floor.
It was silent for a few moments.
Right as the words "I'm sorry" were about to fall out of Phil's mouth, Dan finally looked back up at Phil, something in his eyes that Phil couldn't quite read.
"You don't want to fall for me, Phil."
Out of everything that Phil expected Dan to say, it certainly wasn't that. Maybe a "I'm flattered but-" or a "I'm not gay." But Dan telling Phil he didn't want to fall for him? He'd never have expected that in a million years.
"Why not?" he found himself saying. Dan shuffled on his feet.
"You just don't."
"Are you like a serial killer? Have you run over a puppy or something? I'm only asking because I don't think you realize I've already fallen for you, so it's a little late for that warning."
Phil hadn't really meant to say all that, but as he thought about it he knew it to be true. He was head over heels for Dan. There was no denying it.
"Do you like me, Dan?" Phil asked softly after Dan didn't respond. Something pained surfaced in those brown eyes of his and he nodded.
"Have you seen yourself?"
Phil let himself the little breathy laugh that escaped his lips—most of it was nerves anyways.
"One date?" Phil's voice sounded small even to his own ears.
"Phil…"
"Just one, if you're willing. If you don't want to or don't want to go on a second I won't be mad. We can just go back to being friends if you want. Just...one date, please? Let me treat you to dinner"
Dan didn't say anything for a long time. He just looked Phil in the eyes. Phil, for his part, held Dan's gaze and let him search for whatever he needed to.
Eventually, he nodded.
"Okay," he said, his voice quiet. Phil could feel the smile taking over his whole face and saw as Dan slowly started to grin as well. "Okay."
~~~~~
Exactly eleven days later Dan and Phil found themselves on the top of Phil's apartment complex after their dinner date because Dan wanted to see the stars, and Phil didn't have a balcony.
"That's Orion." Dan said, pointing up to a cluster of stars to Phil's left. "You can tell because of those three stars in a line make up his belt. That one a little to the left is Andromeda. You can't quite make out what's supposed to be her legs because we can't see all the stars, but it's still nice to look at."
"How do you know so much about the stars?"
"They were something I've always loved. I had a lonely childhood, so when I was little I made my own constellations and made stories for them—stupid, I know. When I got a little older, I decided to learn their actual stories."
"Is that why you've asked me for so many tattoos with stars in them?"
"Yeah. They all mean something."
Phil nodded even though they were laying on their backs and Dan most likely couldn't see the movement.
"Could you tell me about them? Your tattoos, I mean. You don't have you, you know. I understand more than most people that tattoos can be really personal."
Phil could feel nervousness creep up the back of his neck. Should he have asked that?
Dan rolled onto his side, and, unsure of if he was going to be told off or not, Phil copied the movement so they were facing each other. He watched as Dan touched his ribcage where Phil knew that he had inked the universe into his skin.
"This one pretty pretty much has to do with my love for the stars. I like to remind myself that everything is made of stardust, and because of it we're all our own set of made-up constellations." Dan's hand landed on is upper arm. "Cor cordium-"
"Heart of hearts." Phil blurted. At Dan's playful eyebrow raise, he blushed. "Sorry, I, uh, googled it after you left that one time."
Dan laughed. "Anyways, yes, it means heart of hearts in Latin. My inspiration came from the whole 'wear your heart on your sleeve' thing. I got it because I've spend an unhealthy amount of my life bottling things up and I now want to actually live my truth, not imagine it."
Dan pulled up his sleeve to reveal the little bear and have the courage to exist.
"These are sadder, honestly. Like I said, I had a lonely childhood, but it also wasn't a very good one. My parents...weren't the uh, best of people. They didn't really want me, and didn't really know what to do with me. They hated that I liked guys later on, and in general didn't really bother supporting me. They were abusive, bottom line. The bear covers up the remainder of my self-harm marks, and the quote is where I tried to kill myself when I was a teenager."
Phil's heart felt like it was splitting in two. On some level, he knew what those scars were before Dan told him, since Phil had seen them back when he had first given Dan the tattoos. On another, he had been in denial.
"Dan I'm…" Phil trailed off—he didn't even know what to say. Sorry? Sorry didn't cover the least of it.
"It's okay, it was a long time ago. I'm a lot better now."
Dan's fingers traced his collarbone next, his shirt separating his hand and the tattoo of the Leo constellation. "Like you said when I asked for it, I'm not a Leo. I'm actually a Gemini, but that's besides the point. I always wanted to be a Leo because everyone describes Leo's as so brave and confident, and I was constantly jealous. So, I thought, that if I have it tattooed, I'd always have a bit of that self-assurance that they always seem to have."
Phil nodded.
"What about the leaves?"
"That one I actually got because I thought they would look pretty on me. The flowers on my shoulder as well"
Phil hummed, a smile pulling at his lips. "Well, you were right. They do."
"Are you trying to say that I'm pretty, Phil?"
"Very."
Before Dan could answer, a breeze blew, making goosebumps prickle up on both of their arms. The weather was warming as they grew increasingly closer to summer, but it still might be a little too cold for laying on the roof to star gaze.
"How about we go back down before it cools off too much now that the sun's gone down?" Phil asked, helping Dan up. Dan agreed and subtly linked their fingers together before asking Phil to lead the way.
Phil shut the door to his apartment behind them. When he turned around, Dan was looking down at their hands still clasped together. He swallowed. Was Dan having second thoughts about this whole thing?
"Can I kiss you?"
He should be used to Dan flipping his whole world upside down, but he wasn't.
Phil licked his lips, trying to remember the last time he had put chapstick on—he couldn't. He hoped that his lips weren't horrendously chapped.
"Yes."
Dan stepped further into their shared space first, and with his movement Phil drifted forward as well. They met in the middle, the only their mouths and hands touching.
That didn't last long, however.
The contact soothed something that he didn't even know was aching in him, and it apparently had a similar reaction in Dan because it almost instantly deepened into something much more primal. Their hands broke apart to tangle around each other, Phil's fingers drifting just under the hem of Dan's shirt. At the action Dan nodded wildly, moving the fabric out of the way to let Phil's hand touch more of his soft skin.
"Dan," Phil gasped when Dan tried to pull them towards the couch, "are you sure? I'm okay with it, but I don't want to push you I just-"
"Shhh," Dan interrupted, pecking Phil's lips once more. "I'm more than okay with this as long as you are."
The knowledge took a moment to register in Phil's head with how mush it was from kissing Dan, but he gave Dan a smile when it did.
"Then stop pulling us towards the couch, you idiot, the bedroom is this way."
Dan giggled when his back hit the duvet, reaching up for Phil, who eagerly settled into Dan's arms. Their lips met again, slower and with more of a purpose than before. He wasn't sure how long it took for them to break, but he knew that when they did to pull Dan's shirt over his head, his lips were red and swollen.
As Dan's upper body was revealed Phil pressed kisses up and down the exposed skin where it was tattooed, using his mouth to trace over the very lines he had drawn months ago.
Phil decided that as much as he enjoyed looking at Dan's tattoos, he loved kissing them even more.
"What about this one?" Phil asked, sucking on the jut of Dan's collarbone. Dan moaned as Phil worked the hickey right over the words of his very first tattoo.
"I got it the—ah—day I cut ties with my parents. They weren't happy with it, as I know you noticed—remember that bruise?—but I really don't—Phil!—care."
Phil was frowning at the words, absolutely seeing red over thinking about that bruise he had noticed on Dan's side coming from his parents. He hated it, and he loathed that these people had hurt Dan so badly, emotionally and physically.
As much as he didn't like it, Phil couldn't do anything about the past.
But he could do something about the present.
Later, when they were both naked, moaning together in the throes of passion, Phil couldn't still his hands from finding their way to Dan's last mystery tattoo as he rolled his hips into Dan's. It was the only tattoo that Dan had yet to explain the meaning of, but Phil knew that he didn't have to guess.
Peonies, red carnations, lavender, daisies, and other flowers danced over Dan's hip. Healing, strength, new adventures, and happiness of life respectfully.
It was a tattoo of healing. Of new beginnings.
Phil couldn't wish for anything more than to be a part of it.
~~~~~
"Good morning," Phil whispered, kissing Dan's cheek. They had fallen asleep almost instantly after their activities last night. Now, they were cuddled together, Dan's head tucked under Phil's chin, his body completely enveloped by Phil's protective embrace. Dan sleepily blinked his eyes open.
"I hate to wake you, but I know you have work in a few hours. I thought you may want me to drive you to your place so you could get ready soon," he continued, keeping his voice soft. Dan frowned at the mention of work and buried his head into Phil's chest as if to avoid his responsibilities.
"Alright, sleep a little bit more if you want, but not too much."
"No, it's okay." Dan said, rubbing one of his eyes. He stilled once again in Phil's arms and for a few moments they were silent, Dan letting his fingertips follow the lines of one of Phil's chest tattoos, Phil just enjoying the moment.
"What are we, Phil?"
Phil shifted so he could see Dan's face properly. "What do you want us to be?"
Dan didn't answer right away, but Phil was surprised at the certainty in his voice when he spoke.
"Boyfriends."
Phil smiled wide and kissed the top of Dan's head.
"Whatever you say then, boyfriend."
Dan laughed softly and gave Phil a fond smile. It melted after a few moments.
"Are you sure, Phil? Are you sure you want to be that with me?"
Phil understood that Dan had a few problems. He knew that Dan had trouble seeing the best in himself, but it was also evident through the progress Dan made by himself since Phil had known him that he was getting better. He used to resemble a scared kid, but now he was so much more comfortable in his own skin.
Phil knew that it wouldn't always be good. He understood that Dan would have his bad days. He realized that Dan would need a bit more reassurance and love.
Phil also knew that he was more than happy to provide it.
He kissed Dan tenderly on the lips, pouring in just how right this was.
"Completely."
~~~~~
Things, as a matter of fact, were not always good.
They were a bit rough in the beginning, but as they learned to work together as a couple and not just as casual friends things got better. Phil gave Dan everything he could to make him feel more comfortable in their relationship, and Dan put the world at Phil's feet.
They fell in love hard and fast, moving in with each other before the year was out.
Looking back, Phil knew that they both grew so much as people in that first year together.
"Phil, I'm starting the popcorn, hurry up!"
Phil smiled in the mirror of the bathroom at the sound of Dan's voice. This was going to be their ninth year together. Nine years of good and bad and everything between. Nine years of loving Dan.
"Coming!" Phil called, drying his hands.
He turned off the bathroom light and opened the door to join Dan in the lounge.
He didn't miss how the soft yellow of the nightlight caught on the ring on his left hand.
#please reblog#phandom big bang#my fics#allyssaTM#phan#phanfiction#phanfic#dan howell#phil lester#tw brief mentions of self harm#tw brief mentions of suicide#tw brief mentions of abuse#au#tattoo artist!au#tattoo artist!phil#tw minor descriptions of tattoo needles#fluff#angst#HAPPY ENDING
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A continuation from my country music ask! She listens to a lot of love and upbeat songs (and every now and then, a sad love song to hit you right in the feels). And I love the topic about mothers since she is a wonderful mom 😌 so any recommendations for those four topics would be fantastic! Thank you so much!
(sad country music is my actual favorite)
here are 5 for each category!! these aren’t necessarily my favorites or the best-- so nobody attack me for choosing what i chose. i just adore so many it was hard to choose! (I added an extra song to each and pick my favorite brad paisley song that matched as well :’) )
read more for those that don’t want to find some AWESOME country songs
love songs:
love like crazy by lee brice
remember when by alan jackson
somebody’s chelsea by reba mcentire
forever and ever, amen by randy travis
check yes or no by george strait
little moments by brad paisley (my favorite song of all time!!)
upbeat songs:
no such thing as a broken heart by old dominion
dance in the rain by six sanchez
the bull by kip moore
something i’m good at by brett eldredge
my next thirty years by tim mcgraw
crushin it by brad paisley (watch the fucking music video you cowards he makes it into a marvel parody bc he’s a giant marvel nerd!!!)
sad songs
the baby by blake shelton
little boys grow up and dogs get old by luke bryan
raymond by brett eldredge
if heaven wasn’t so far away by justin moore
blank stares by jay allen
whiskey lullaby (you will cry)
mother songs:
mom by garth brooks
the best day ever by taylor swift
somebody’s hero by jamie o’neal
mama’s song by carrie underwood
in my daughter’s eyes by martina mcbride
two people fell in love by brad paisley (okay so like, he doesn’t have a song about a mom...so take this )
christmas songs (i chose songs that aren’t like covers of classics)
santa i’m right here by toby keith
christmas is comin’ round again by scotty mccreery
christmas where you are by five for fighting (not really country..but i love it)
ribbons and bows by kacey musgraves
christmas in dixie by alabama
born on christmas day by brad paisley (OKAY OKAY LISTEN!!!!!! it starts from when he was 8-years-old singing a song he wrote!!! and then it turns into him singing it now!! and WOW MY MAN REALLY DID THAT!!!!!)
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I listen to TAZ during bus rides and for Reunion Tour I had to look out the window the entire time because my face was uh, doing things. like crying. "I don't know why, but I trust you?" and Taako going from "the list of people and things I trust are nothing and nobody" to "I trust Angus McDonald completely" and "THESE ARE THE ARMS THAT HELD MY WIFE" - pretty much every other line made me realize how far I've fallen for these idiots, and that's not even mentioning Johann and Carey and Killian
(cont.) and that good good Angus McDonald content of "noone who's looking for the truth could be evil". And Davenport... I don'tknow what I was expecting for him but it wasn't for NON-LICH BARRY to slip himichor (how did Barry even know. was he just going to give it to everyone. whata good guy), and then finding out in Stolen Century that he just wants to betaken seriously? what? has Lucretia done? but I can't even be fully upset withher because her intro in Stolen Century was so good.
(cont.) I love that Griffin specifies that she's not actually scared at the bar fight, she's just too busy journaling to actually process what's going on (is she a can't see the forest for the trees type of person? and it's fascinating that we know what she did but not if it was actually helpful or not. this entire story structure is just so good) and LUP. I love that she takes potshots at the Hunger on Cycle 1 but serves as the moral compass in the next episode, and that her sibling dynamic
(cont.) with Taako works so well even though Justin only found out she existed like two episodes ago and just. Stolen Century in general. Can't wait to discover all the reasons these seven are going to stay behind and fight the Hunger and die because there's something worth staying for. Magnus' first death? Merle staying with his congregation? Absolutely brutal. (Speaking of brutal, Magnus and Merle trying to bond with Lucretia with varying success is heartbreaking knowing what's coming.)
(this is the last one, I promise) Listen, I'm so sorry for spamming your askbox, please let me know if you would like me to stop, I've fallen head over heels for this podcast and there are just too many good things to talk about.
Hey you havesuccessfully stumbled upon the top line I cry about with regard to this show,and it is “THESE ARE THE ARMS THAT HAVE HELD MY WIFE” like yeah yeah yeahcool Travis cool really awesome just ruin me with one sentence like that.
That’s fine.
But YES OH MY GOD ISN’T STOLEN CENTURY ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AMAZING, LIKE, JESUS, I LOVE IT. And LUCRETIA, I would die for her, she’s such a fascinating character, I’ve seen so few characters whose ultimate downfall is that they’re so selfless they come right back around to...not quite cruelty, but definitely close. I’ve seen people try but to do it well.
God I want to be Griffin McElroy when I grow up.
And LUP, my ANGEL, she’s. She’s so good. She’s so wonderful. I don’t have anything more elaborate to say just now because you have to live ever second of Story and Song in glorious detail, but I love Lup so much. Also, I did not expect to love Barry but???? Barry Bluejeans, denim-clad nerd and co-savior of the multiverse. My darling.
Oh, and here’s a shameless self-plug for this thing I wrote, seeing as you’re through Stolen Century now.
#taz#taz balance#NEVER LEAVE MY INBOX ABOUT THIS PODCAST#I love lucretia and lup and barry so much y'all#like#lucretia is MORALLY GREY CHARACTER GOALS#my love#and lup goddamn she's so fucking great#her dynamic with taako makes me...so happy y'all#and her relationship with barry is CUTE AS SHIT#'nerd alert' JOKE'S ON YOU LUP YOU'RE GONNA MARRY THAT DORK#but yeah anyway i cry about magnus and julia like...daily#otp: the arms that have held my wife#like HOW FUCKING DARE YOU TRAVIS HOW FUCKING DARE#idiot teenagers with a queue#anonymous#asked and answered
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1825 Weds. 21 September
In which Mariana and Anne trade pubic hair lockets... ahhhh, romance. Anne and Mariana also deftly deal with some busybodies, lament a plodding man-splainer, and Anne gets a letter from Tib
9 40/60
3 50/60
Q
Three at once last night then one a very little while afterwards then fell asleep just before getting up this morning had two at once - M- [Mariana] down at 10 40/60 and I at 10 55/60 - just as we had done breakfast Col. Tryon and Mr. Powers called on M- [Mariana] and sat 1/2 hour - M- [Mariana] and I went upstairs for 1/2 hour - called down to Dr. Scudamore - went out about 2 went to Bright’s and to Beaumonts the druggist - he shewed the stomach pump for extracting poison from the stomach - price 3 1/2 guineas from Weiss
Colonel and Mrs. Tryon having called on us, we afterwards met them and walked up and down the arcade near an hour - I arm in arm with Mrs. Tryon - In close confab about [delta - Lawton]. I spoke handsomely of him and we both praised [Pi - Mariana] Mrs. T had always wondered she married him for she had known him in his first wife’s lifetime. I explained gently how mistaken was [Pi - Mariana]’s estimate of his character and vindicated her calmly and I fancied successfully. All this while it seems Col. T was praising me. Wondered I had never married. [Pi - Mariana] hinted at my having had a disappointment some years had then put on mourning would never take it off and never marry. He asked if I was of a county family. [Pi - Mariana] said yes could count as many generations as most could and was very aristocratic. The Ts quite pleased with me for [Pi - Mariana] and I mutually told all we had said and heard We delighted they did not come sooner they would have too much of our society and been a bore that we could scarcely have avoided
Before walking with the T-’s we had paid our bill - M- [Mariana] copied the pattern of the inlaying with mother of pearl of one of Bright’s workbones - after leaving the T- [Tryon]’s about 4 3/4 - went to the spar shop at this end of the low town - a very civil old woman there let us walk round her shop, and see all without buying - and then we walked up and down the arcade of the square till 5 35/60 - did not dress either today or yesterday - Dinner at 5 55/60 - sat talking to M- [Mariana] while my aunt had Mrs. Locke from 6 1/2 to 7 1/2, and then settled accounts and wrote the above of today which took me till 11.
Great deal of rain during last night rainy morning till near noon - then a light shower or 2 afterwards but other wise pretty fine till about 6 - rain a little more rain which prevented the band playing - E.O..
We were just going up to bed at 11 5/60 when Dr. Scudamore called and sat with us till 11 50/60 - he had been at the ball (a very good one) and could not leave Mrs. S- [Scudamore] and her friend (Miss Bruin?) or would have called sooner - M- [Mariana] had little to say for we talked on scientific subjects almost all the time yet I learnt nothing save the repetition of his opinion that Dr. Bostock’s work on physiology is the best, and will decidedly suit me the best - He is certainly, as M- Mariana observed, very heavy in conversation - she says, doubtless he is clever, but it must be by plodding - he can have no genius - he has no conversation - he cannot talk on any subject - he is so slow, and tedious, and tiresome - I cannot help thinking of the following observation of Swift in his thoughts on various subjects (vid Johnson’s dictionary on the word Fluency) ‘the common fluency of speech in many men, and most women, is owing to a scarcity of matter, and a scarcity of words; for whoever is master of language, and hath a mind full of ideas, will be apt in speaking, to hesitate upon the choice of both’
Finding I had the new French stays I have never worn [Pi - Mariana] tried them on etc. etc. We had not done packing till near 3 - M- Mariana put me on a new watch ribbond - and then cut the hair from her own queer and I that from mine which she put each in to each of the two little lockets we got at brights this morning twelve shillings each for us always to wear under our clothes in mutual remembrance we both of us kissed each bit of hair before it was put into the locket
Letter from In- [Isabella] (Langton) this morning - 3 pp. pages and the 2 first crossed - widely written - she appears to have forgotten having written to me from Snailwell and tells me all she told in her last, with the additional account of her safe arrival at home on the 31st ultimo or 1st instant I cannot quite make out which - she and Miss Hill (of Snailwell) stopt to see Cambridge which Is- Isabella says ‘is very inferior to Oxford in point of beauty, but the latter can boast of nothing like King’s College chapel which is the most divine thing I ever beheld in my life - nothing that I ever yet saw can vie with it in point of beauty, and it is worth going a thousand miles to see’
In- [Isabella] and Charlotte and Marianne Dalton went to the festival - the former at the Belcombe’s the 2 latter at Fisher’s - on Wednesday (14th instant) they went to the concert so crowded they could not get seats during the 1st act ‘the music sounded very well, but there was a deplorable want of Catalani and Mrs. Salmon - Garcia I liked the best, and if she does imitate Catalani, all I can say, is, that it is the best imitation I ever heard, for there were moments, in which even I could have been deceived ….. [Caradorc] and Miss Stephens both sang very sweetly, as did also Miss Travis, but Miss Wilkinson was a complete failure, and the [abp][?] is much blamed for insisting upon having her - I went to the minster on Fri. (the 16th instant) the choruses were magnificent, but Braham spoilt Luther’s hymn by putting in a fine quaver at the ending all were loud in asserting the extreme superiority of Catalani in this divine song’ ….. Mrs. N- [Norcliffe] did not go to the festival on account of a quarrel between Charlotte and Mrs. Best - In- [Isabella] did not go to the fancy ball, but Charlotte went and did not get back till 5 the next morning - there seems to have been a great crowd - Mrs. Milne was almost knocked up and Mr. John Tweedy fainted ‘and did not recover his senses till 5 hours afterwards - he was attended by Stephens, Dr. Goldie, and a surgeon but they were for a length of time before they could get any blood, and Stephens thought he would die - However the succeeded at last, and he is nearly recovered’ -
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(h x r)
[i honestly feel really strongly for this piece of writing i did about two years ago, it never fails to make me emotional. a lot of the stuff i wrote in the past has identifiable influences – like a movie i’d just watched, a book i loved, a game i just played, or some real life personal thing that happened to me. this story bemuses me because i don’t remember how i even came up with the entire idea, or the weird structure of it. but i think it’s quite lovely and skeletal, so, i hope this gets you feeling something as well, my nonexistent followers!]
–
The Beginning
We had English after lunch. All of us were caught in a mad, exuberant flurry of motion, scuttling around like schools of fish to finish our essays on Romeo and Juliet.
The sun was smoldering, the clouds whisked briskly into hiding, the breeze faint and whispery. We sat in our customary, rickety red bench, the table-top scrawled with adolescent blather. There were lyrics to hit songs; prancing stick figures; crude swear words; male genitalia of different sizes; names etched inside swollen, crooked hearts, then scratched out and blotted with angry ink.
There was five of us then. We grew together, then grew apart. I remember Travis, always joking, always coy. I remember Lila, sharp as a tack, harsh, slim from weekly track meets. I remember Henry, foppish and vibrant, good-hearted. As for Rose, was the smartest in our group. Naturally we sought her assistance that day. She glowed under the attention. She set about patiently correcting grammatical errors, pointing out muddled sentences, indicating softly which areas needed elaboration.
I noticed Henry was sitting alone during this time, scratching his head, furrowing his brow, staring at his essay in concentration. Travis was teasing him.
And then, like a guardian angel come from the golden gates of heaven, Rose left her gaggle of students and sat beside him. Henry smiled. Nervous, tentative sweat slicked his forehead.
We laughed about it then, me and Travis and Lila, but deep down we were jealous that the inevitable shifting of our group’s dynamic had taken place, and none of us were a part of the equation.
The Middle of the Beginning
“I think I like her,” Henry said frequently afterwards when it was just me and Travis with him. “I think I do. A lot.”
We sniggered collectively, played along. It became a game. “What do you like most about her? Are you gonna marry her?” we would ask with false sincerity.
“Everything about her, I like,” he’d reply importantly, “And, yeah. Maybe I will marry her.” We all laughed. There was no doubt in our minds then that poor, hapless Henry was dreaming up this big romance, borne from Rose’s simple kindness.
“I’m going to ask her to dance,” Henry said one day, out of the blue. “Tomorrow, I’ll ask her.” We grinned. Travis nudged his shoulder boyishly. Someone else who happened to be sitting with us that day made up a bet on whether or not Henry would pull through. I just smiled. Poor, hapless Henry mistook our amused, youthful mockery for pride.
The following week, the dance took place. We gathered in our little group excitedly, flashing smiles, pretending that we couldn’t care less. The gym was bedecked in fluorescent neon lights, strips of flashy, glittery gold paper wrung from the ceiling, music pumping from the domed roof. Lila bragged about how much of it was all thanks to her creative ambition, since she was a part of the dance committee. The girls were resplendent in their skimpy dresses. We wore our flashiest, priciest clothes.
Henry showed up late with Rose in tow, causing quite the fuss. His brown eyes were bright. Rose’s smile was small and shy, her honeydew hair glimmering amidst the neon lights. We stared, pointed, bobbed grins and cheeky laughter across the hall. Travis spat out his drink. Lila arced an eyebrow. We were collectively in awe. Hapless Henry had turned a new leaf.
The girls fawned all over them; we resorted to a thumbs-up.
The Ending of the Beginning
Henry went to a different high school than the rest of us. He moved house early in the year we all started a new chapter in our lives. I wasn’t to see him for years. I was too caught up in the difference of high school to contact him.
In my second year, I dated Lila. She was vivacious, a fresh breath of air from the old days. We laughed about our middle school-selves. I asked her constantly if she knew anything about Henry and Rose, whose quiet popularity in middle school devolved into anonymity. She frequented the library and acquired a new circle of friends, long-legged girls with swathes of hair. I only had to glance to know they took her for granted, accepted her only for the gleam of her blond hair rather than the understated perception of her mind. Lila told me that the last she’d heard, she and Henry had split. I felt duly crushed. Those two were akin to glowing, golden idols from a better, simpler age. Like the rest of us, they’d succumbed to change and rust.
Three shitty parties, one pregnancy test, and two ‘break ups’ later, Lila and I split. “All you ever talk about now is ‘those old days’ as if they were years ago, as if they were amazing all the time. They weren’t. God, get a grip on yourself, you’re pathetic,” she’d said at the argument that ended it. After that, brilliantly angry and youthfully, foolishly bitter, she spread the rumor that I carried STDs. I remember Travis laughing in my face the day after. He made a quip about girls being bitches, about how he was taking Maria Henderson to a party that weekend, about how I should come and use the STD-thing as a sob story to get laid.
I skipped school for a week, pleaded sick to my blank-faced parents. Days were spent staring up at the billowing, far-away clouds from my bedroom window, lost in thought. Escapism. All I wanted was to envelop myself again in the golden warmth of the before, not the now, with stressful deadlines and assessments and new social pressures and angry ex-girlfriends.
The Beginning of the End
-During my final year of university, an unregistered number called my phone while I was walking to a class.
It was Henry, though I still didn’t make the connection when the voice said, “it’s Henry, hey, it’s me.” He had to awkwardly introduce himself twice more. He sounded tired. He asked how I was doing, what I was up to, what university I attended, inquired about assignments, deadlines, and my parents. He confessed, with sheepish laughter, that he’d gotten my number off of Lila, who Rose still saw every now and then. He added in serious undertone, that he never for a second believed those old, filthy rumors.
I had a multitude of questions clamoring in my head. For one thing, I did not appreciate him bringing up the STD-drama. Also, what was he calling me for? After years of silence, hearing him speak while I weaved through other students staring into their phones was a surreal experience.
There was a new, tense quality to Henry’s voice that I’d never heard before. He suddenly apologized, for falling off the radar, for being too busy to keep in touch. Things with Rose were rocky, he admitted quietly, in a resigned sort of way. Before I could ask when they’d gotten back together, he quickly slipped in that he loved her. A lot. They’d gone on-and-off a number of times.
“Look, I know this is…weird, since we haven’t spoken in years,” Henry said shakily. “But you were always the most considerate of the guys. I know that you’ll help me.” There was a long pause. I waited. “Rose is pregnant. We didn’t plan it. She’s totally against, ah, abortion. And, I mean, so am I! She says we have get married…quickly. Fast. She doesn’t want the kid to be labeled a bastard, and I guess she just…” Henry trailed off. “I think she just doesn’t want to be alone.”
He sighed, sounding older than he really was. I didn’t know what to say, or what exactly he was calling me for. “Please,” he went on. “I need your help. Her parents hate her for all this business, and my dad…you know how he is, ever since we were kids, always just…sorry. Ah, when are you free next?”
The Middle of the End
I helped arrange mostly everything. I found a reception hall in town. It was a small, humble, exquisite building that didn’t make a big deal of itself. Henry, Rose and I went down there a few days after he called. I skipped my afternoon lecture.
I did most of the talking. Henry was taller, a bit leaner, though jittery, his smile nervous. There was a new tentative energy in him, the sadness in his eyes never quite going away. Rose, though, was very lovely. Refined, cool and calm. The gaggle of loud, unappreciative girls that used to surround her in a stifling circle were nowhere to be seen. I wondered where they’d gone. Her belly swelled under the blue blouse she wore.
They chose a day, a time, talked over some meaningless technicalities. We had coffee afterwards. It seemed like the decent thing to do, though I could tell both of them just wanted to go home, retreat back into whatever form of shelter they had built for themselves upstate. I felt out of place meeting these two old friends I didn’t actually know anymore. My brain was momentarily confused, attempting to re-arrange itself; I remembered Henry as a flushed, messy-haired youth with gangly arms and a hapless grin. On the last day of school, he’d hugged me tightly and rather desperately, only letting go when Travis shoved a pencil up his ass. The day before he moved, we hung out in the arcade and then the beach. After everyone had gone and the sun began to vanish in the horizon, my mother had dropped off Rose first, then Henry. The three of us sat in the backseat, making small talk, and as we neared Rose’s house, Henry had grabbed both our hands without preamble. Even after Rose left his hand kept clutching mine.
Now he was suddenly taller than me, dressed in a modest suit-and-tie. He had never been solid and leery like Travis, always floppy, but sitting in that café, there was a solidity about him.
The youthful vivacity that was in Rose once was gone; it was replaced by a wide void, reduced as she was to a politely-smiling, well-mannered, chagrin adult. She used to get all the boys’ attention, even in high school. Mature and level-headed, Rose hardly ever went to parties, but when she did, she always vanished upstairs, swallowed up by the inky darkness of the stairwell. I always assumed she and Henry’s split was official. Their hastened marriage date said otherwise.
The café was small, but busy, bustling. Its homey interior and cream walls watched as we slowly took a sigh of collective relief, our stress and tension melting away gradually, mingling with the steam of mochas and lattes.
Henry sincerely apologized for all the sudden fuss, asked again what I was majoring in and when I’d graduate. He asked after my parents and what they were getting up to. He shared some funny stories, but Rose never laughed, she only maintained her frozen little smile. She herself congratulated me for my academic successes, sympathizing with me on how Lila acted all those years ago, affirming she was different now and still asked about me, sometimes. I told them how well they looked, how happy I was for them, what name they were considering for the baby, and did they know yet if it was a boy, or a girl? I didn’t get to pose the questions I really wanted to ask, since I could tell they were both terribly tired of things. Whether it was from work, or each other, or the baby bombshell, or all of the above, or some hidden factor they kept to themselves, I still do not know.
What I knew: they were only alive by the love they shared, weakly binding them together. It was quietly, tragically beautiful.
The End
-Their wedding day fell on a midsummer, lukewarm Friday afternoon.
Henry and Rose invited only a few people, less than a handful: Geraldine was the bride’s sister. Carlton was her boyfriend. As for Lila and I, one could say we were close in school, but Travis wasn’t invited. Was Lila merely a sop for me? Was it a feeble, girlish, chick-flick attempt to get us back together? Was Henry and Rose’s social circle just that closed-off? Were they afraid and ashamed of others knowing about their marriage and Rose’s pregnancy? Had they alienated themselves that much? Like many things about them, I don’t know.
Geraldine picked up the girls, while Carlton and I were put in charge of Henry. It was quite a beautiful day. Sunlight dappled the trees lining the sidewalk, while buildings reached up into the unfathomable sky. There was not a cloud in sight.
We got to the reception hall first. Henry, in a sharp blue suit, paced back and forth erratically in one of the rooms the kindly receptionist directed us to. I had helped him get ready in my flat. Carlton could tell we had history and he was destined to be a mere footnote, so he politely complimented Henry, made some light jokes which we responded to politely, and then he left before we did, saying he’d meet us at the hall. His car was parked in the lot, four spaces from mine. He was browsing through his phone when we pulled up. I thought it prudent to wait for Geraldine to arrive before calling out to him.
While Henry paced, I mused aloud how the girls were faring. Perhaps Rose had cried a little, then switched to happy laughter while her hair was done up artfully.
He was implacable, in that small window of time when it was just us two. I attempted small talk: why his father or her parents weren’t invited (the look he shot in my direction was, I guess, the only answer I needed.) Did they not want anyone else to come, any other friends? That didn’t provoke a response, but I filled the silence with noise anyway. I spoke wistfully of the increasing difficulty of my university assignments, about Travis, about the beauty of the afternoon. Henry was unresponsive, curt. It took me awhile to accept that I simply did not understand the entire situation, and I left him alone with his own thoughts for a bit. Happy nervousness leaked from his every pore as he walked back and forth, back and forth.
He wouldn’t stop pacing. Without a word, I placed a hand comfortingly on his shoulder. The effect was electric. Henry spun around, looked at me with wide, trembling, damp eyes and kissed me. I only began to respond when he drew back again, as fast as he’d leant forward. He was flushed. “I doubt the baby’s mine,” he said abruptly, absurdly. Then, “I love you. Thank you for being here. I mean it. I love you.”
There was a knock on the door, and Geraldine asked how things were coming along. I could have addressed what Henry had just blurted out and the way he’d kissed me, but I didn’t. His eyes met mine, and without flinching, I told Geraldine we’d be right out and that Carlton was in his car. Her heels faded away into the warm afternoon. Before we left the room, Henry kissed me again. I let him, not reciprocating this time.
Rose was a vision of loveliness, a divine apparition. Her back was facing us as we walked up. Daisies were wrung prettily in her hair. When she turned, her face wore an expression that I couldn’t read. The corners of her mouth were upturned, but I wouldn’t say she was smiling. I saw her rounded belly, remembered Henry’s suspicions, his desperate kisses. But I could not harden my heart against her. How could I, with her standing there, her white dress whispering as it danced across the floor in time with the wind?
Geraldine walked in with Carlton and Lila in tow. “Shall we?” Lila announced with theatrical grandeur. She shot me a glance. The lot of us had dinner a few nights beforehand, a perverted version of the five our original group had, plus Carlton, very handsome, very respectful, shaking my hand firmly over glasses of wine. Geraldine, I knew slightly growing up, a stately, assertive girl who had none of Rose’s subtlety. As for Lila…she was much the same. Harsh green eyes, a smirk instead of a smile. The only thing of note was a tattoo of a pale lily on her thigh. I told her that it was really clever and witty, when we had sex in my flat that same night. She said that I’d gotten myself a nice pad, and allowed that she missed our middle school days sometimes, especially the science lessons where we were partners, fucking up all of our tests. I took that as her apology for the STD rumors. We didn’t mention it.
The sunlight spilled in from the doorway and doused Henry in soft brightness as he stepped forward and took Rose in his arms. She was crying. Her small shoulders trembled demurely. He whispered words to her that the rest of us didn’t hear. Geraldine patted her back. Carlton shifted in place. Lila linked her arm with mine.
There was a small wait inside a depressingly-clean room where no-one really said anything. Shortly, a middle-aged man donned in priestly garb approached us, calling for “Mr. Henry and Ms. Rose.”
It happened so fast. The designated room was jarringly empty. Geraldine, Carlton, Lila and I crowded the front seats, the chairs behind us devoid of any life. The girls had, in an attempt to spruce the state of things, blown up a few listless balloons and scattered a handful of daffodils on the aisle. It was beautiful in its own doomed, sad way. I imagined the lily on Lila’s thigh blooming open for me. Sunlight alighted on each flimsy white petal of the flowers in Rose’s hair.
When Henry and Rose kissed as man and wife, melting into one, trembling, Geraldine let out a sob. Carlton clapped earnestly, then hugged his girlfriend with one arm. Lila touched my shoulder. Her eyes leaked mascara-stained tears. My throat became constricted with emotion.
“I never saw this coming. Never. I mean…not like this. Did you?” she asked me, her green eyes softening, causing me to almost fall in love with her all over again.
The makeshift priest watched as the six of us left, Henry and Rose leading the way with damp cheeks. His sad eyes were full of hopeless love, and he’d given me a look pregnant with apology and confusion as he walked past; he reached out as if to touch my cheek, but instead clasped my arm. The bride’s honeydew hair was aglow, blinding us all.
In the parking lot, Henry and Rose leaned into each other and so did Geraldine and Carlton, shadowing them. Lila kissed my cheek, and I remembered Henry pressing his lips into mine, not once but twice, his suit clinging to his slim frame, his shoulders set. It seemed to have happened a million years ago. I like to think that we were all, in that moment, happy. The waning afternoon sun embraced us and congratulated our exit.
But I suppose that deep down I knew it was temporary.
X
-Lila called me well over a year later.
We’d kept in touch after the wedding, making half-hearted attempts to reconnect, to start over. We had sex two more times afterward, but the second time, I made the mistake of asking her why she did it, all those years ago in our second year of high school. When she feigned sleep, I touched her lily tattoo and waited until she was actually slumbering. We were in her flat, so I left. Taken away from the pale, sentimental magic of that reception hall, I noticed that her green eyes had hardened again. I realized: I did not love her anymore, if I ever really did. I didn’t bother maintaining contact, and neither did she.
We were there, however, for the sake of appearances, when Henry and Rose left on their honeymoon to Florida. I remember Rose waving a lavender handkerchief at us as Henry drove them away. Carlton took me home, doing the same for a friend of Rose’s who’d been invited, some girl co-worker. He asked how things were going with Lila. I said that things were definitely going. He shook my hand when we reached my flat, and I wondered what he would do if I kissed him in the semi-darkness of his car. Later that night I hit up the girl co-worker whose number I’d procured at some point, and drove to her place and had sex on a pull-out bed. She was ensconced at a friend’s for the moment because of personal issues I did not care to divulge in because I had enough of my own, enough of Henry’s, enough of Rose’s, so I fucked her again before she could open up.
I wasn’t present when Rose gave birth five months after, but I was at their infant girl Victoria’s one-month celebration. She was an exhilarating, lovely thing, but she had brilliant blue eyes. Neither Henry nor Rose had blue eyes.
Lila was there, too, but she didn’t look at me once. The girl co-worker arrived late with a guy who I thought at first was Travis, and I was so shocked I dropped the small sandwich I was eating into Victoria’s crib. Carlton told the guests about the promotion he’d received, and Geraldine gushed over her niece, imploring to her in sickly-sweet coos that the girl would have a cousin in due time. Henry never left Rose’s side once, and when I said goodbye, his hand was sweaty. He lingered a second too long, just like at our last day of school, his scrawny arms nearly suffocating me.
When Lila called almost two years after, she did so with a dead voice. Henry had shot himself in the mouth, in the upstairs bathroom of the Victorian-style house he and Rose had bought a year prior.
Lila told me Rose had come home to hear Victoria’s wail of irritation and hunger from bedroom on the second floor. She’d rushed up the stairs, and saw the bathroom door closed. Blood leaked from the space underneath, staining the fresh carpets. And, somehow, Rose had known. I asked what Lila meant by that, but she stuck by what she said. Somehow, Rose had known.
So, she went back down and sat in the living room, called her sister to come over as soon as she could, and remained in the couch for almost an hour, listening to her child’s pitiful, escalating wail, letting her dead husband drown in his blood in the upstairs bathroom.
When Geraldine arrived, everything came undone.
I hung up after telling Lila I’d make it to the wake.
I remembered his warm and perpetually melancholic brown eyes, the lovely honeydew of her hair, the way he kissed me twice in that warm, fuzzy, almost pastoral waiting room with dust dancing in the space between us. I remembered how their initials were etched onto the red bench outside our old classroom. “HxR.” There, forever. ♦
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>>VIEW: Peter Su on his music video debut, magic musician ju-ju and his journey around the world
Before boarding the plane that would take him on his two-month sojourn across the world, L.A. based pop/folk artist Peter Su took a second to share with us the details on his first official music video for the single “Santa Barbara” (you can watch it here).
Read on to find out how it felt to sacrifice his magic musician ju-ju, where this accomplishment falls in his journey and his growing perspective on marginalized voices.
"Santa Barbara" is your first official music video. Is there a particular reason you chose this track to represent and kick off your album, visually?
Two reasons.
1: The beachy folk sound and bittersweet vibe of the recording really summarizes the sound I've gotten to with Lions on the Beach.
2: Personally, it's my favorite track off the album. Song-wise, the melody is one of the most beautiful melodies I've written (imo hehe) and lyrically it's a Pet Sounds kind of coming-of-age lyric with that saudade I can't get enough of!
The video looks great, and... you shaved! We got to see the face behind the signature scruff. How did it feel seeing that face again, and how long did it take to grow the beard back?
Haha I felt naked, and cold. Not alone though. After the last take on the beach at Del Playa, I busted out this rusty razor I hadn't used in years and went at it with the whole crew watching and pouring water out of bottles for me. I used the camera as my mirror. Turns out shaving medium-length facial hair on a beach without running water is really hard.
Being shaved was not cool. The scruff is like my magic musician-juju! I actually acted in Ryan Fung's short film the next week and he required all the male escorts to be shaved. After that, I waited about 2 weeks to regain my juju again.
It seems like since the release of your EP and the last time I got to talk to you, you've not only continued to develop as an artist but have grown even more into the community. How involved were you in the process and creation of the music video, and how did it feel working with friends from #weownthe8th to create this music video? Any special anecdotes from the music-video-making process in general you're up for sharing?
Our Mic and #weownthe8th were the best thing that happened to me last year (if you're a creative in LA, you really should do yourself a favor and check it out). That's how I met the whole cast and crew.
Stanley Wong and Travis Ash were Directors, and I was sort of a third co-director as the artist. They were really good at asking questions to get to the essence of the song. From that, we wrote the visual story together to bring it out. Directing-wise, it was pretty impressive to see them go from Hand Fart (an absurdist comedy) to a more sentimental romantic music video. Super creative and structured at the same time. They've got something special, those two.
Vivian Ngo, she is such a talented actor. She's one of few people I've met whose emotional range is both so limitless and so in control. Watching her slip into a moment – of dejection, hope, joy, etc.– was like watching a year's worth of acting masterclasses.
Nate Elegino (DP). Man, that guy seriously is a beast behind the camera. Every shot I saw on playback looked like a postcard – on the PCH, in Isla Vista, even looking out of the office high rise in downtown LA. Plus, he's really good at working with actors. I still remember how it felt when he told me to stick my hand out the window, and reach for the sun, and how it felt filling me up. Work it, baby!
Jes Vu (Producer). So organized and top of things, with boundless energy. Her breakdown on the script, she turned over in like a day and kept looking to see how we could run everything smoother.
Oscar Ho (BTS). Hardcore, the man behind the cam. He shot the BTS footage while we were in Isla Vista. He's got a great eye and was always down to help out wherever he could on set.
Lianne Lin (Hair). It was just fun to chat with a friend about the live music scene, hair thinning techniques, and good restaurants in the SGV. And oh yeah, getting the best haircut I've gotten in 3 years was pretty confidence-boosting too.
I noticed in the middle of "Santa Barbara," there's a shot with a growing stack of books. Are these books you actually read? If so, what, in any of them, especially impacted you?
I love books! These were important books to me that I've read, minus some of the business books are in my queue. The first book in the stack is Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke. It was one of the first books I read for inspiration after I decided to leave my job to pursue a creative path. Connie Lim actually recommended it to me when I asked her for advice when I was first starting out. One takeaway was that you have to love writing so much, that you'll still do it even if nothing external ever comes from it.
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, my old VC Partner gave that to me and I still turn to it whenever I feel stuck. It's a metaphorical story about a kid in search of his personal treasure and all the lessons he learns along the way. It's always cool to check-in and see what part of the journey I'm at, especially when my will gets weak to keep exploring.
So far, a lot of inspiration in your music has been taken from your journey and experience of "going off the safe path" and forging into the unknown, unpredictable lands of being a musician and artist. Your first EP is done, you're putting out your first official music video -- where do you see yourself in that journey now and how does it feel to be in this place?
Yup! I finished the tour out to Nashville, released this music video. I'm close to wrapping up the album cycle and I'd say I'm in transition now. It's kind of scary but exciting too. I'll be headed to India next week to study yoga and travel solo for 2 months - definitely a lot of reflection and contemplation about what's next.
The tour in November out to SF, Austin, New Orleans, Nashville, Denver; playing at Sappho in Taipei; and now studying yoga in India - I've been filling the inspiration well, that's for sure. Can't wait to get back into creating mode!
Just wondering -- in the very first interview you did with us, we talked a little bit about being an artist in conjunction with Asian American identity. In your recent article with the Huffington Post premiering your music video, you had something to say about that, and it seemed more definitive and of a stronger opinion than before. Have your thoughts on this changed or gone down any certain pathways?
It's still weird to me when people label you as an Asian American musician vs. just a musician. But I now know the only thing to do is to just tell my story. The more I've been a part of the Asian American creative community in L.A., the more I want to support other marginalized voices in telling their stories.
"The Godfather" is a good model of marginalized voices producing work so good that mainstream media had to take notice. Our Mic, #weownthe8th, TNC, Sunday Jump, Kollaboration, the whole API creative community in LA, we're telling our stories in increasing numbers, at higher and higher levels of quality. I'm very encouraged by the movement and hope that my kids will have a generation of creative role models to look up to.
Final question. In our last conversation, you left us with this lesson learned: "Instead of asking what the world can do to fulfill you, ask what you can give to the world." How has that perspective and value been shaping what you've been up to? And do tell what's next for you and anything else you want to share with your listeners.
I've learned I'm pretty good at bringing people together for a cause bigger than ourselves, and with collaborating. So my next step, will probably be less going solo and more collaborative, and more audience-first. I'm sure India will give me some good inspiration, and I feel a lot of new songs coming on. I've already got a few creative buns in the oven, with Dion Leon and Jenyi Lee - so stay tuned!
The best way to follow along on my journey will be to follow my instagram stories (@petersumusic) while I'm in India or signup for my newsletter!
#indie music#indie#music#artist#aapi#asiam#api#apa#asian american#asian americana#asian america#peter su#music video#interview#view#asiam interview#asiam view#asian american artist#singer songwriter
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Interview with Jeff Zentner, Morris Finalist!
So, Jeff Zentner’s THE SERPENT KING is up for the Morris Award, and I totally called it.
This aching, heartfelt coming-of-age story about three small-town Tennessee teens was nominated for the Carnegie Medal, was a Publisher’s Weekly Flying Start, and is currently sweeping the 2016 “Best Of” lists. Jeff is a musician in Nashville, and is also the author of the upcoming GOODBYE DAYS (spoiler: it’s breathtaking, and you will cry). I’m thrilled to have the opportunity to interview him as part of the annual William C. Morris Interview Series.
BA: Holy crap, Jeff. I’m just. This book is so beautiful and wise and gut-wrenching and honest, and I could not be happier about your Morris nomination. What was it like hearing the news that you were a finalist?
JZ: Thank you, Becky! It was funny, I thought that if I ever was a finalist for something like this, I’d hear it first from my editor or agent, but actually, someone I don’t even know tweeted at me to congratulate me, and I was like, “wait, what?!” My first instinct was, “if this turns out to be nothing, I’m going to be really bummed out.” But then he forwarded me the YALSA announcement email. So I ended up telling my editor and agent!
BA: You’re such a pro at authoring, it’s hard to remember that TSK only came out in March. How has your life changed since publishing your debut? What was the high point? What was something that surprised you?
JZ: I do a lot more traveling than at any other point in my life. I’ll go months where I don’t have a single weekend at home. But it’s wonderful. And the high point is closely related to that: the friends I’ve made among my fellow authors. In a very short time, I’ve made some of the best, most amazing friends I’ve ever had at any point in my life. Something that’s surprised me is how it’s never any easier to write a novel from the first one I ever wrote. In fact, it feels harder now. I’m more in my own head and I’m conscious now of my audience.
BA: THE SERPENT KING is told from three points of view, and one of my favorite things about this book is how distinct these voices are. Was that a challenge to get right, or did that happen pretty organically for you? Is there a little bit of you in each character, or are you most similar to one of them?
JZ: Before I sit down to write a character, I’ve made sure I’ve let them reside in my head for a good three or four months, wherein I sit and listen to them and learn to hear their voice. With THE SERPENT KING, I was interested enough in each character to write a whole novel with each as the protagonist, but I was too impatient to wait and write a novel about each one. So I jammed them all into the same book. To write the characters, I pretty much divided my personality into thirds and gave each character a piece. Dill got my general worldview and love for making music. Lydia got my curiosity and hunger. Travis got my loyalty and nerdiness for the things I love. All of them are some of me. None of them are all of me.
BA: I’m especially intrigued by Lydia, whom I find to be one of the most complex and relatable teen girls I’ve ever read. How did you pull that off?
JZ: I have been blessed to know so many amazing and brilliant women whom I so deeply admire. So Lydia has bits and pieces of all of them. Also, I’ve worked with teen girls at Southern Girls Rock Camp and Tennessee Teen Rock Camp, and I’ve seen their incredible intelligence and spirit firsthand, so it was really vital to me that I honor that to the fullest extent possible in the character of Lydia. It all comes from a place of the deepest respect and awe.
BA: I know readers have a wide range of opinions about how and if social media and pop culture references should be integrated into books. In TSK, we see some real media and some invented media, and it’s absolutely seamless. Can you talk me through the decisions you made about that?
JZ: When deciding whether to use real media or invent something, I ultimately tried to make a prediction as to what would best stand the test of time and not date the book too terribly. With music, for example, I know opinions vary widely on this, but I think it’s better to ask a reader to buy that teenagers love a real iconic music group that’s stood the test of time as opposed to a more of-the-moment real musical group that hasn’t stood the test or an invented musical group with whom readers can’t really relate.
The author, calling your girl.
BA: Lydia, Dill, and Travis come from really different religious and socioeconomic backgrounds, and I love that you show the complexities that sometimes arise from both. What sort of role does money play in the friendship among these three? What about religion?
JZ: Money, or to be more specific, socioeconomic inequality, is a tremendous source of story conflict. Healthy economic circumstances give Lydia the ability to leave Forrestville—and Dill—behind, a source of great consternation to him. Dill’s dire financial circumstances are the driver of his hopelessness and his being unable to leave Forrestville for a better life, like Lydia. Travis’s less dire—but still not terrific— financial circumstances contribute to the abuse he suffers at his dad’s hands.
In writing The Serpent King, I really wanted to shine a light on class and privilege in America.
Religion plays heavily into Dill’s internal struggle and the way he comes into conflict both with Lydia and her desires for his life and with himself and his own desires. And religion is how Travis and Dill met and more indirectly, how Dill and Lydia met. Dill’s religion made him the sort of weirdo that Lydia was interested in knowing.
BA: What sort of reaction have you gotten from readers so far? As far as your fandom name is concerned, do you have a preference between “The Serpent Kingdom” and “The Zentnerds”?
I love Zentnerds because I used to get called that mockingly, and I love the thought of reclaiming it, like “now who’s laughing?” ;)
The reaction has blown my mind. I truly did not expect very many people to identify with a young adult novel about the son of a snakehandling preacher. So every time I hear from another reader, I'm just overjoyed. I came to writing as an exceedingly obscure musician, who might get a lovely message from a listener once a month if I was lucky. Now it happens several times a day.
A tweet from a fan.
BA: Talk for a bit about GOODBYE DAYS! What was it like writing it, and how did that process compare to your process for THE SERPENT KING? What’s been the biggest difference between the two experiences so far?
JZ: The Serpent King came from characters/people/stories that had fascinated me for years. I based The Serpent King on two songs I'd written years earlier. Goodbye Days, on the other hand, came from characters I'd only lived with for months. So I had to learn very quickly to be fascinated with the lives of relative newcomers to my mind. That's one difference.
Another is that I let my writing process breathe a little more. With The Serpent King, I wrote in a frenzy. I wanted to get published before I was 70. With The Serpent King heading toward publication, I let myself do things other than write. I allowed myself to read other books and watch TV shows. Both helped make Goodbye Days stronger.
BA: Both of your books deal with some really heavy moments, but there’s also so much joy in both stories. How did you navigate these extremes? Which parts come most naturally to you as an author?
JZ: It helps that I have a very, very dark sense of humor. So I'm able to see the humor in a lot of situations that might otherwise look pretty humorless. And I'm very conscious about keeping humor a part of the story. It's easy when you write southerners, which I do, who are a naturally funny and morbid people. I also believe deeply in hope, even in the darkest of circumstances. So hope is always interwoven into my stories, which adds to any sense of joy I achieve.
Lightning Round!
(in which Jeff was allowed to explain his answers, but was not required to)
BA: If Lydia, Dill, and Travis could each be given one BFF from another YA book, who would you choose for each of them?
JZ: This is not brown-nosing: when I read Simon vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda, I had the easiest time ever imagining Lydia and Simon as friends.
(ed. note: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Travis and Hagrid from Harry Potter would be besties, no question. They're both gentle giants.
Dill and Cassie O’Malley from The First Time She Drowned by Kerry Kletter would be besties. They're both sensitive and intelligent and they could bond over their awful mothers.
BA: Please summarize TSK using only emojis
JZ: I will defer to the amazing and brilliant Nic Stone’s summary:
BA: Now please summarize it using a single gif.
JZ: Several people recommended this one:
BA: What is your all-time favorite comment you’ve received on your book?
JZ: It was from my very first reader, Jarrod Perkins, who read it in manuscript form. I didn't even know he was reading it yet when I get a text from him that just said “you [expletive].” I was like “?????????” And he told me that he’d reached a certain pivotal scene. Jarrod is a very sophisticated reader and that's when I knew I might have a book I could publish.
BA: Golden Oreos or Classic? (If Golden, I actually will need you to explain this.)
JZ: I’ve always been a Classic man, but even more so in the age of Trump, when I’m not messing with anything golden.
(ed. note: hell. yes.)
Thank you, Jeff, for this beautiful interview and your beautiful books!
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SORAIA's New Album 'DIG YOUR ROOTS' Out Today
Personal growth, rebirth, even revolution – such transformative concepts are the heart of what Soraia is all about. These heady themes inform the songs on Dig Your Roots, the band’s latest album, out March 13 on Wicked Cool Records.
“I look at Dig Your Roots as a continuation of what was begun on Dead Reckoning,” says singer and frontwoman ZouZou Mansour of the new album’s relationship to their 2017 Wicked Cool LP. That record’s release prompted Rolling Stone/Mojo scribe David Fricke to write Soraia’s “searing guitars, burning soul and true CBGB grit…are the rock you need, in your face now.”
“Dig Your Roots is coming to terms with the light and dark inside myself and in the world,” ZouZou shares. “I come from a diverse multicultural and multireligious background – my father was Muslim and Egyptian, and my mother was Belgian and Catholic. I was ‘different,’ and I hid some of my background from people, thinking I wouldn't be accepted. Digging my roots is being proud of who I am, letting it come before me even at times, being proud of where I come from, and asking the listener to do the same.
“Dig Your Roots also refers to loving what grounds you: the people, the lifestyles, the places you live, where you grew up. It’s being willing to dig up your roots and re-plant if where you are no longer keeps you free – metaphorically, of course. Inherently, I want this to be the message of the record: if you're down, get up.”
As a spiritual descendent of iconic women in rock such as Patti Smith and Joan Jett, ZouZou’s Philadelphia-based band also embodies elements of kindred spirits of the ’90s and beyond - like PJ Harvey and The Kills, with more than a sprinkling of ’60s Garage Rock and Soul. Their primal sonic attack spreads a message of perseverance through trials of love, loss and letting go.
Bassist Travis Smith continues to be a crucial root of the Soraia tree, co-writing five of the album’s new songs with ZouZou, including “Superman Is Gone” and “Wild Woman.” “Travis delved into places on this album that we didn't go to on the last record,” she reveals. “That's scary. But he did it, which ultimately made me do it, too. It's like, ‘Hold my hand, we're going into this dark cave, and who knows what's going to happen…”
Roots also finds drummer Brianna Sig with her first Soraia co-write, the enchanting “Don’t Have You.” “Her melody for the choruses reminded me of how The Sirens would lure sailors in Greek mythology,” ZouZou relates. “It was haunting and beautiful – and if Soraia isn't both of those things, then I don't know what we're doing here.”
The band faced an unexpected challenge when guitarist Mike Reisman, who co-wrote four Dig tracks, including 2019 single “Evergreen,” left the group. “Mike can’t tour for longer periods of time anymore,” says ZouZou. “It hurt. He still works with us and we still connect. But you grow closer with who remains, and grow yourself.” Going forward, Nick Seditious is handling guitar duties.
Further nourishing their roots is the continued support of Wicked Cool’s Stevie Van Zandt. The label head has been an advocate ever since naming their breakout track “Love Like Voodoo” the Coolest Song in the World on his syndicated radio show and SiriusXM channel Little Steven’s Underground Garage in 2013. In January 2020, Dig Your Roots' opening cut “Dangerous” becomes the tenth Coolest Song they’ve earned.
Van Zandt has even become a creative collaborator, penning “Why” for Dead Reckoning and co-writing two Roots tunes: 2019 Coolest Song “Still I Rise” and forthcoming single “Darkness (Is My Only Candle).” “I trust him more than anyone in knowing what I'm trying to say and who I am,” says ZouZou.
Complementing them in the studio once again is producer/engineer Geoff Sanoff, whose credits include notable work with Bruce Springsteen, Fountains Of Wayne and Dashboard Confessional. “He’s a member of the band when we’re in there,” ZouZou acknowledges.
Soraia has come a long way since their punked-up cover of The Kinks’ “(I’m Not) Like Everybody Else” hit #1 on Rock radio in South America in 2015. Their independently released debut album In The Valley Of Love And Guns from 2013 features five songs co-written with Jon Bon Jovi.
“I'm all about playing a fun song and throwing myself around, that's Rock ’n’ Roll at its heart,” ZouZou remarks. “But I'm also about telling the stories of resurrection and life and hope and darkness.”
And now, the songs of 'Dig Your Roots' in ZouZou’s own words…
1. Dangerous
I was listening to a ton of Jet and The Vines at one point, and just loved the recklessness – especially in the screams on those songs – and the pure Rock eruption of it all. It's less than three minutes and explodes the entire time. “Dangerous” was born from that specific decision to write a song with those kinds of explosive dynamics and lyrics – and as always – easy and passionate conversations about the things we love.
2. Wild Woman
I had been listening to this female preacher talking about being “born inside the wild” and not knowing where you were – but that strong women thrived in the wild. I fell in love with that idea of birthing yourself – which is one way to put it – over and over when you enter into situations you're uncomfortable in, or have never been in. An added bonus is the notion of being a “wild woman” in that way was a different take on the idea I think social consciousness has on being a “wild woman.” Empowering instead of denigrating. Travis had written this swampy, mysterious riff, so we took that and made it the forefront of the song, and took the subject matter – pieced them together – and VOILA! WILD WOMAAAAAAN!!!
3. Evergreen
Mike played this riff that became the verses and said he heard this drumbeat like “Howlin’ For You” by The Black Keys for it. I had been watching the movie Black Snake Moan and heard this line that the main female character “had the devil in her.” That conjured up this old South feeling for me, so I wanted to put that in and give it that vibe. The story is told with a sometimes playful and teasing attitude, and sometimes aggressive and frustrated tone. It really felt freeing and gave the speaker the power back she didn't feel she had in the first place.
4. Foxfire
Travis had this intriguing idea of “foxfire” for a title line. I didn't know what it meant, so he told me all about it. It’s this phosphorescent light emitted by certain fungi on decaying timber. It’s beautiful when it glows, but it isn’t real, it’s a momentary thing. And when people would see it in the woods, many got lost being guided by it. We thought it would be interesting to write a song about depression from the standpoint of “foxfire” – or these glimmering thoughts that lead you astray and only give the illusion that everything's alright. The struggle to believe in any one thought, to characterize the confusion of that type of struggle from the speaker's point of view.
5. Darkness (Is My Only Candle)
Again, a song written almost together in a room. There's a line of a Rumi poem, “Darkness is your candle.” At the time, there had been the Charlottesville riots, and lots of violence that seemed horrifically reminiscent of the racial injustices of the ’60s. I remember thinking “Where are we?” and being really upset about all the hatred and racial slurs. This song came as a result of anger, pain, sadness, worry, and ultimately the idea we can't be separate anymore or stay quiet. It took a few sessions to write because Travis and I were both so impassioned about making sure we told the truth and stayed with the times as we saw them.
6. Nothing Compares 2 U
I had always felt so strongly about the Sinéad O’Connor version of this song. But despite being a big Prince fan, I had never heard his version. When I did, and heard the first line lyric change – “It’s been seven hours and thirteen days” – I knew immediately this was the one. Those numbers alone and the darker, more soulful approach he took to the lyric and melody spoke to me in a different way than the more popular version by Sinéad. In the studio, Geoff Sanoff really wanted to bring this Mott The Hoople vibe to it like “All The Young Dudes” – which added a lot more to our style of approaching it.
7. Superman Is Gone
Another Travis and I song, this one was specifically about the idea of being high and feeling like “Superman” when you did that first line of anything. I'm a recovering person, so it was important to me that I also tell the story of the anger I had at my father over being absent when I was going through that. I have already forgiven him and me about that, but I wanted to tell the story honestly. And there's a part of me that still questions where were a lot of different people in my life when I was busy getting high. That idea that you wonder where people were and what they were doing when you were hardcore in this addiction – with no feeling attached to it – just a human curiosity.
8. Way That You Want It
It's really just about this guy who is frustrated by a girl he digs but can't have. It's based lyrically off the same idea as “I Hate Myself For Loving You” by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts, but from the viewpoint of another character – where I'm singing as the storyteller/observer instead of the person it's all happening to.
9. Still I Rise
Based on a Maya Angelou poem. I live my life in no particular time, almost in a time vacuum. And no matter what, you get up. Mike and I had originally written the song, and called it “I Am (Rise).” But Steven Van Zandt got a hold of it and loved the story of the song, so we rewrote the lyrics, and he rewrote the music to it, to really tell the story of people getting up after falling. I had taken a few lines from actual conversations or experiences I had. Then, Steven and I tried to pay homage as much as possible to the original poem. We rewrote it together in an afternoon – one of the best experiences I've had with him.
10. Don’t Have You
This was officially the last song written for the album. Brianna sent me two separate song ideas that ended up becoming “Don't Have You.” This was also the last song recorded for the album, and Geoff knew right away the approach to the piano. It became something really beautiful, and I wanted to keep it simple and stripped in the front end, so the lyric could pull in the listener. This was about my own heartbreak, and that little feeling of hope and possibility still inherent in the relationship is really powerful in the middle of the song. It was Geoff's idea to speak that part instead of sing it, and I was thrilled with how it came out.
11. Euphoria
“Euphoria” was written by myself and Travis. I loved the bluesy and spacious riff he came up with. I felt it left a space for some sort of testimony – so I told the story of all these experiences smashed together. Though each line seems to stand alone in some parts, they weave a truthful story of this woman coming back from the dead. I love the lyric in this one. Brianna had this great idea to end it in a church-y way, since it's mainly about wanting this high experience in life. And what a great way to end the record!
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