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#i wish i had thought of that when i started doing this in like 2018
druggeddraccus · 1 year
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new year. time to reflect on the old one lol 
ive been working as an RN since april at this hospital and its been going pretty well...always hectic lol making good money though, learning a lot, i ejoy working with most of my coworkers
ive been good about saving my money this year i plan to sit down with someone and get concrete ideas of what exactly i need money wise to buy a house. 
i had a lot of really cool thrift finds this year, i also got closer with some of my cousins that i hadnt spoken to in a long time. and i hope to hang out with them even more this year. 
ive also tried and failed to repair the relationship between myself and my sisters multiple times and i will always flip flop on my thoughts/feelings on this issue but right now in this moment...i am okay with not talking to them. i am okay with distancing myself from people that consistently think the worst of me and my parents despite everything...its just such a shitshow situation and right now im completely fine avoiding them entirely. 
my one true goal this year is to make it to ireland, im so excited to go even though the thought of traveling makes me extremely stressed and anxious lol 
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maddy-ferguson · 6 months
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it's actually fascinating that i'm not depressed rn because my life isn't that much better than it was when i actually was depressed (2019). i mean i guess it is a little better because my grandma didn't just die and i'm not in love with someone who doesn't like me back and i also kind of know where i'm going with school and presumably life and i don't call the place i live in my cell because of how small it is but the foundations are still very shaky
#this reads like a joke because it is but it's also true#i remember in october of 2018 like a month after my grandma had died i was at my grandparents' house for the first time since she had died#or for the first time since her funeral ig because i spent a few days there while she was in the hospital and after her funeral etc. and i#was thinking about my life and about how very boring it was. and i had basically always thought that but from that moment on it was like an#actual situation and then i started being sad all the time in like january (not even right after my grandma died because of course i loved#her very much but it wasn't even about that) and then in march or maybe april i started feeling empty more than sad and that was just crazy#and then in july i started wanting to kill myself and i finally understood what people on the internet were talking about and anyway. bad#year. but it's like. okay i had all that going on but i remember being like how did i deal with my life being this lame before#because it was never good. i was stupid to enjoy it and to not feel like killing myself every second of every day. and when i stopped being#depressed (incidentally when i stopped being invested in my friendship with the girl i was in love with like literally my grandpa died in#december of 2019 and it was terrible and i was very sad but it still didn't stop me from getting better😭 so crazy our relationship was just#THAT bad for me) i remember being SO grateful that my life was back to being boring i was like i would rather be at a 5-6 all the time than#go from 11 to -5 in five minutes and so i really liked feeling bored but not empty and it's crazy because i still feel like that when it's#been almost four years like i was expecting that feeling to fade a little. but i'm also like well maybe i should do things to make my life#better because the only reason i'm not depressed rn is just because i don't have one more bad thing going on like i'm just lucky😭#lmao. but also. i don't really want to i just wish i had one more friend#and like i say: brf slt#tw suicide#<- for me#my friend i was in love with was a very nice girl she never really did anything to me if we had been friends at any other time in my life w#would probably still be friends. or i guess not because i WAS in love with her but like i had issues with our friendship that i never would#have had if it had been any other year in my life i was crying up to 10 times a day at one point in late august because she hadn't#talked to me in like 25 hours like i was not normal😭😭😭#i was very close to my grandparents i saw them like at least one week every month even though they lived 400kms away and spent all my#holidays with them it was my mother and them that raised me and my sister them dying altered the fabric of my life. for context
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nu-suave · 26 days
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IF I DIE TOMORROW, I CAN DIE HAPPY feat. gojou satoru
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word count: 1621
summary: his battle with sukuna is swiftly approaching, and satoru decides to make a confession. ex!satoru. a/n: idk why but i've had so many ideas for satoru ?? like today alone i've started four separate fics. it's bizarre.
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It’s December 23rd, 2018, and there’s a nervous energy clinging to the air; it has you awake long after the sun’s gone down, skin prickling from the cold beneath your thin layers. You lean against the rails of the building, staring up at the stars and wasting your time wishing for each second to slow. Gojou Satoru is the strongest sorcerer - you would know - but he’s against Sukuna, the curse that has defied time and returned from an era where Jujutsu society was at its golden age to the modern day, where there is Gojou Satoru and little else. You are so, so incredibly worried.
“Aw, are you that worried for me?”
“Satoru.” You turn to him. His skin glistens with sweat despite the temperature, his hair down and framing his bright, bright blue eyes. They almost seem to glow under the moonlight. A wide grin sweeps its ways across his features. It’s Satoru, alright - always playful, even when he isn’t. Teasing people through arguments, making jokes in a serious environment, doing anything to lift the emotional weight he feels at any given moment. You used to hate it. “Shouldn’t you be getting a good night's sleep? Tomorrow’s a big day.”
“No need to be so worried!” He slides up next to you, leaning halfway against the railing as he bodily faces you. “Something was keeping me up. I’m glad I found you.”
“Yeah?” 
“I wanted to talk to you.”
“What about?” You turn to him, cocking your head to the side. His smile falls, lashes lowering as his eyes fix you in place. He reaches out toward you, grabbing your nearest hand and laying his palm flat atop yours. If this was two months ago, you would’ve pulled away. You don’t.
“I was a coward.”
“Oh? Gojou Satoru, a coward?”
He says your name quietly, firmly. It’s a tone he’s only adopted a couple times in his life; you fall silent. “I was a coward. It’s been three years now, and I know that’s three years too long, but I’m sorry. I should’ve said it the moment I realised. I’m sorry about how things ended between us.”
Oh. You swallow, fingers digging into the top of the wood. Satoru surely feels the way your knuckles raise, because his hand slides to the side until he can rub his thumb atop them; back and forth and back and forth. An endless, relentless pattern. “It’s been three years since we broke up, Satoru. You don’t need to apologise.”
“Yes, I do. I was a bad boyfriend.” He keeps staring at you, eyes locked on yours, and it feels like it’d be a disservice to look away. You want to. Your fingers flex beneath his. His thumb keeps sweeping circles. “I didn’t realise at the time. I was dumb. Our whole relationship, I thought you were the one. I thought I was going to marry you. I didn’t realise that, the entire time, I was fucking it up.”
You sigh deeply, the sound starting heavy in your chest until it leaves your throat, settling in the air between you. “...Thank you for apologising.” Your gaze finally skitters from his, resting on your joined hands in front of you. Satoru is so close, you can feel the heat of his body; in this cold, you’re tempted to sink into that familiar weight. “For what it’s worth, right up until the end I thought you were the one for me.”
“That doesn’t help,” he says, and it’s not joking; not accompanied by some dismissive haha, of course you did! that you grew so used to. Satoru was so desperate to save himself from the emotional backlash of loving someone, he inadvertently pushed you away. You resented him for a long time because of it. “To know that I had a chance at that dream. I used to daydream about what could have happened, if I didn’t mess it all up.”
“You were going through things. I couldn’t fully understand that.”
“Maybe, but I’m apologising to you right now.” He tugs at your hand, lacing your fingers together; you let him, and it feels like a concession. Like an apology, almost. Satoru rests your palm atop his chest, his heartbeat a steady thrum beneath your fingertips. Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum. “I didn’t treat you with the proper respect. I acted as though my feelings were more important than yours, that what I did with my time had more worth than what you did with yours, and that what I went through held more weight than what you went through. I wasn’t fair to you. I didn’t pay you the proper time or attention, I would think about other people or things when we were together, I didn’t think about your comfort. I was a terrible boyfriend.”
Your lips twitch up into a sad, little smile. “Yeah, you were.”
“I know this was a horrible time to bring it up,” he says earnestly, “I wish I had the courage to do it sooner. I just… I felt that I didn’t deserve to be in your life. That I’d treated you so poorly, the last thing you’d want is to have me reappear, pushing my way back into your life and invading your comfort.”
His words are firm, steady. He’s practised this, you realise. You think about that - Satoru brainstorming these thoughts before he went to sleep, brushing his teeth and musing over what he’d say, writing unsent apologies in your messages. Your heart skips a beat in your chest. Ba-dum, ba-dum. “I wouldn’t have expected it, if I’m being honest. You really hurt me, but I think the worst part was…” you swallow, letting your thoughts swirl from abstract feelings into coherent sentences. “Everyone acted as if it was my fault. That I broke up with you, and there was something wrong with me. I think that’s what hurt me more. No one could really speak up for me, and it was that shame that had me… how do I word this?”
His hand spasms atop yours. “I didn’t know.”
“I didn’t tell you. It was kind of like that all throughout our relationship… you’re from the Gojou clan, Satoru, and you’re the strongest. They were always going to look down on me.”
“I’m sorry for that, too.”
His words shock a laugh out of you. “You’re so apologetic. What have you done with my Satoru?”
His lips twitch, peeling into a crooked smile. “Your Satoru, huh?”
“You weren’t the only person at fault, you know? I knew you were the strongest, but I didn’t really know. It took a while for me to fully understand how that impacted you, and how that bled into you caring so much for Getou. I used to be so jealous. He wasn’t even in your life, but I felt like I was constantly fighting with him for first place.”
“That wasn’t your fault. I should’ve never made you feel like you were second place to him.”
“I was horribly jealous, Satoru. I know you found it endearing, but it was awful. I felt like I was constantly fighting women - as if I wasn’t the one dating you! I felt horrible fighting other women. They weren’t threats, I was just insecure in our relationship. It made me miserable, and that reflected in how I treated you.”
His smile brightens. It’s got that crooked edge to it, the one you’d always swoon over. It used to follow you in your heart, like a locket you kept tugged against your chest. “Thank you.”
Your heart tightens. Ba-dum, ba-dum. His heartbeat remains steady against your palm. His hand is warm atop yours, enveloping it as his fingers wrap in the spaces between your own. “I missed you,” you whisper.
“I missed you too.” His eyes leave your face for the first time in your entire conversation. “Would it be cruel to say that I could die happy knowing that?”
Your jaw quivers. “...Who taught you to be such a romantic?”
He laughs. It doesn’t sound mocking. “I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologising, you nut. My heart can’t take it.”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” His smile is bright. He doesn’t seem that sorry at all. “Can I hug you?”
You nod jerkily, and he’s pulling you into a warm embrace. It’s a balm to your cooled skin, and your chest rests against his own. One arm wraps around your waist, the other holding onto the hand he’s been grasping this entire time. Your free hand lands on his arm, your head in the crook of his neck. You breath him in; he doesn’t smell the best, in all honesty. He’d clearly been working out just before meeting you, and it showed. Still, you dig your face into his skin. He smiles against your head. 
You stand there for a long moment, the both of you swaying slightly before Satoru speaks up. “After tomorrow, can I take you out for dinner? It doesn’t have to be a date, if you don’t want it. I just… I missed having you in my life. Why does it feel so good to say that?”
“You’re learning the wonders of emotional vulnerability.” You sniffle slightly. “You’re so sure you’re going to win against Sukuna?”
“I have to be.”
“Okay.” You whisper into his skin. “We can go on a date. This is your last chance, Satoru. I can’t take another heartbreak.”
“I won’t waste it.” He laughs loud enough to wake the kids halfway down the hall. “Thank you. I missed you so much.”
“I missed you too.” You repeat. “Promise me you’ll live, Satoru. You’ll take me on that date?”
“Yeah, I promise.” He presses a kiss to your hair. “I promise.”
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erm actually 🤓☝️ here satoru doesn't die, he beats sukuna, and takes you out on a date at a small, family-owned store for dinner. the culling games has completely upended society, and still he finds a small place for the two of you to rekindle your relationship. wdym he dies?
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xxblairexxss · 10 months
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I’m sorry
Pairing : Charles Leclerc x asian!reader
Theme : Angst
Just a timeline of Charles’s girlfriend throughout the years, how she went from a girl who migrated to France when she was 6 years old to becoming a girlfriend of the Formula 1 driver, Charles Leclerc.
I’m not entirely sure about this one but I just wanted to clear my draft. I’m only tagging those who told me they wanted to be included in my general tag list! Please don’t be offended if I didn’t tag you because it’s not Jealousy part 3 😭 so I thought you don’t want to be tagged but please let me know if you wish to in all of my stories!
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2018
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2019
yninstagram
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Liked by charles_leclerc and 98,765 others
ynusername dropping a selfie bcs it’s been a while
charles_leclerc Mon amour 🧸🤎
ynusername 🤎
user1 SO PRETTYY
user2 LOVING THE HAIR COLOUR!!
user3 she’s asian? can she speaks french?
user4 she has lived in france since she was 6 so yes she can
ynusername
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Liked by charles_leclerc and 78,072 others
ynusername a quick stop for mirror selfie before rushing to class
charles_leclerc my pretty girl 🤎
user1 oh to be called my pretty girl by charles too 😭
user2 does she always dress like that?
user3 other wags just scream old money with class. this one..i’m not sure myself 😣
user4 lol she can wear whatever she wants
user2 i just wish she wear something more relevant since it’s affecting charles’s image too
user4 that doesn’t make any sense
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2020
ynusername
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Liked by charles_leclerc, and 103,665 others
ynusername rainy season 🌧️
charles_leclerc I miss you
ynusername I miss you too 🥺🥺
user1 I love how she still look stunning without all those expensive brands
user2 PRETTIESTTT ❤️
user3 is it just me or she looks so out of place compare to other wags?
user4 how i wish she paid more attention to her style
user5 too simple 😕
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2021
ynusername
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Liked by charles_leclerc, and 277,231 others
ynusername loving this dress! 💛
charles_leclerc beautiful princess
ynusername love youu! 🥺
user1 meeeh tried too hard
user2 lol all those stuffs but still don’t look on par with other wags
user3 omg you look so pretty in a dress!!! AAAAA
user4 charles’s princess ❤️
user5 girl you ate and left all crumbs
“I can’t.”
Charles furrowed his brows to your answer. “What do you mean you can’t? Y/N, we have been together for more than 6 years. Don’t you think it’s time for us to start living together?”
“I got a job offer in London. I’ll be moving away in a week.”
“What? What about us? Don’t you think you should have told me first before you accepted the offer?” He blinked in disbelief, part of him was hoping that you were just pulling a prank on him.
“It was a job that my mom had always been dreaming of, Charles. She sacrificed a lot for me.”You tilted your chin to avoid the tears on your waterline to spill. “She sacrificed her life before she could play with dolls for me. I spent my childhood waiting for the sound of her keys jingling as she came back from her night shift, waking up with just a small note sticked on the side of my breakfast plate because she couldn’t wished me a good morning for having to rush to work. She gave up on her dream, crying from missing her parents in South Korea every night just to make sure I got a chance to draw my life with colours so I wouldn’t have to suffer like she did. I need to accept this job for her. Everything I have been doing and ever will do is for her and you know this.”
Charles remained silence. He had always known your mom’s struggle, raiding you alone as a signle mother and part of him had always known that if you were put in a situation where you had to prioritise your life or your mom’s life, you would always choose hers. He knew it but he was never prepared for the day to come. He couldn’t find himself to say anything else and pulled you into his embrace instead.
“And I’m tired. I’m so, so tired of the constant pressure from everyone. I can’t even wear anything that I want without getting comments about how incompatible I look, how messy I look. I– I don’t know what they– what everyone wants from me. It’s either I looked out of place, an outsider or I looked like I’m trying too hard. I don’t know what everyone expect from me. I’m happy, I’m so goddamn happy that you got to be where you are right now but the more you are building yourself, the more I’m falling apart. I’m losing myself, Charles. I feel like I have been helping you to build your garden while mine is just getting abandoned and forsaken and just full of wilt flowers.”
“I’m sorry.”
That was the last word you remembered him saying as he kept you in your arms, holding you so you wouldn’t fall on your knee from the way your body shook within every sob.
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2022
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ynusername
London, United Kingdom
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Liked by charles_leclerc, and 277,663 others
ynusername took a day off to play tourist!
comments have been disabled
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2023
lancomeofficial and ynusername
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Liked by charles_leclerc, and 377,620 others
lancomeofficial Lancôme newest global ambassador, ynusername lookingall glammed up by jaime.creates.
user1 OMG OMG OMG
user2 THAT’S MY GIRRLL
user3 been here since day 1
user4 She looks unreal
user5 it’s been a while since the last time i saw her in my feed 🥹
user6 still using her ex bf fame to build her name lol she’s worse than other ex wag
user7 are you high???
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✧.* tags! @i83andrew @cltrlne @karmabyfernando
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bringbacktim · 5 months
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sebastian vettel x reader where y/n comforts him after his difficult time in ferrari. fluff to smut maybe hehe x
Red to green
Sorry if this isn't exactly what you wanted , I got carried away with the dialogue as I usually do , it does have a sexual ending but not quite smut as I just wanted to get this out
Not edited or proofread
Warnings: mentions of sex and sexual things , sad seb ig , probably incorrect use of German words , a crap ton of dialogue
Wc:738 words
You're replacing Checo at force India and I had to find out through the f1 Instagram page" Y/n asked storming into the room where her husband sebastian was
"It's Aston Martin now , but yes I am" he said not daring to move out of his chair as she seemed calmer than she should be and he was scared she was going to try and hurt him if he got up
" Still doesn't answer the question of why you didn't tell me you're own wife" she said crossing her arms over her chest as she stared at him waiting for his answer
" I didn't want to tell you Schatz because of how bad my ferrari season went , if I told you everything would've went bad" he explained hoping for sympathy
" I thought I was your good luck charm though?" She fake pouted and wrapped her arms around his shoulders as she sat sideways on his lap
"Don't give me that face , you know what I meant leibling" he laughed
" It's just like when you start dating someone so you don't tell anyone cause once you do they start to not like you anymore , I get it seb. I just wish someone atleast told me so I could've stopped buying ferrari merch"
"You look so good in red though" he teased as he traced up and down her arm ( I literally don't know how you describe it )
"Flattery will get you very far with me mr.vettel" she tried not to cringe as she said that but with of them both laughed
"You can go back to being mad with me how" he told her as he gave her a flirty push
"Well daniil isn't there anymore so you don't have to fight him , but bottas is and he did basically cost you the championship lead , but I'm sure you'll do great" y/n said holding his face and kissing his cheek
"Such kind words , you forgot when me and Lewis had contact in Belgium 2018 and I dropped to the back of the grid" he said looking sad at remembering the memory
"Didn't want to bring that one up since lewis is becoming a bit more of a madman when it comes to having contact with people"
As sebastian sat looking like a kicked puppy Y/n couldn't help but feel bad I mean she did bring up some of the bad things that had happened while seb was in ferrari but she was trying to uplift him in a joking manner , which clearly hadn't worked.
He assured her he was fine but even stevie wonder could see he was anything but .
Y/n tried to mention some highlights in his career like his red bull prime, but seb would just hit back with two other mistakes that happened whilst he was in ferrari as if everything bad that happened was his fault
"You know not everything is always your fault right? You tried your best in ferrari but it wasn't the right fit for you and that's okay"
"But ferrari is one of the best teams in the world and I was terrible, Charles even outnumbered me in Japan" her husband answered head in his hands
"Thats not the end of the world , you even said yourself that charles has a gift and Japan is only one race so why does it matter. Plus I wasn't there to give you any of my good luck"
"So it was your fault I did so bad?" He questioned half a grin showing
"I guess so yes all the bad things we're all my fault" she said with a michevous twinkle in her eye hoping they were on the same page
"Oh yeah ? Guess we're going to have to do something about that then aren't we" oh they were definitely on the same page , same sentence even
"What're you going to do ? Punish me for being so bad or something?" Y/n said stading up and walking slowly backwards towards the stairs that lead to their room
"Don't start something you can't finish" he warned stalking after her
"We both know I can make you finish, just depends where you want to" she giggled as she increased the speed she was walking at as he was hot on her heels
He only ever mentioned his sad ferrari memories after that if he wanted to either annoy his wife or get some
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nihilnovisubsole · 1 month
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Because of your latest post: not sure if you’ve answered this before, but how does someone even entertain the idea of writing for the game dev industry? Did you start out on indie games or just write before and show them your work? Since it’s such a subjective field etc
if i have, it bears repeating! here's a rough timeline of what i did. never discount the value of luck and the kindness of friends
2016: i was doing a random freelance transcription job when i saw @theivorytowercrumbles post about writing for voltage. they reblogged the studio's open casting call for new writers. since it was so lenient - no experience, fanfic samples allowed - i applied. they hired me for their new project, but let me go after a trial period, citing that the tone of my writing was a bad fit for that game. i foundered for a while after that. i don't take rejection well. i started dangerous crowns to try to make money from writing some other way.
2017: one of voltage's producers reached out to me and said they'd started another project that i was a good fit for. she felt letting me go was a mistake and wanted to snap me back up. i said yes, i mean, are you kidding? so i started on reiner's route.
2018-2019: i kept at it. i took on diego's route. it occurred to me that i wasn't making very much money, but i liked my coworkers, and i was building my portfolio, so who cared? i also finished dangerous crowns, and a handful of people bought it, but certainly not enough to support myself or anything.
early 2020: between the pay and creative differences with voltage's team, it started to sink in that i needed to find other work. i applied to the few open game writer jobs i could find, but with only mobile romance in my portfolio, i got nowhere. i threw in dangerous crowns samples. i tried to network on twitter. i still never made it to the interview phase. i foundered for a while again.
late 2020: the voltage writers went on strike. i gave a statement to a journalist that one of obsidian's narrative designers noticed. we became acquaintances over it. another old friend of mine threw me a life raft in the form of a different contract, better paying, on a non-romance indie game. i took it gladly. i added a twine game to my portfolio, too. i kept applying. i got a few interviews, but something still didn't click.
2021: i finally accepted that i needed formal help. i did a portfolio workshop. i got resume coaching. the coach passed my name to a writer on the company of heroes team. they liked me! they also paid me more money than i'd ever seen in my life. at the same time, obsidian advertised a narrative job opening. i applied on a lark and let my ND pal know i was doing so. why not, right? college-new-vegas-fan me would want me to. they rejected me, but not before i passed their writing test and two interviews. i had nothing to lose at that point, so i told my ND pal that i was bummed. she gave me a golden piece of advice: "you came really close. try again."
2022: obsidian had another narrative opening. i threw myself at it. i was now going to annoy them into hiring me. since i was a known quantity from applying six months before, they had no qualms about interviewing me again. this time, it worked out, and i've been there ever since.
what's the common denominator here? i met people who thought i was all right and gave me a hand up when i needed it. the standard advice is to work with a community of your peers instead of trying to get your heroes to senpai-notice you. it's not that they don't care - they just have their own thing going on, and your peers could be the heroes of tomorrow if the right project comes along. i also found the portfolio was the end-all-be-all when it came to job hunting. i went through a grieving process with that! i'm not afraid to admit it. i wish studios had held my degree or dangerous crowns in higher regard, but i just had to make games in a wider variety of genres, and that was that.
one caveat: narrative is a really saturated field right now. a lot of people want to write, and there aren't many openings. it's not uncommon for big studios to get hundreds of applicants. larian probably got over a thousand for the job they posted recently. i feel awful saying that, because i don't want to discourage you, but i'd feel worse if i didn't let you know what you were getting into. if it's something you want, you should try! keep an open mind about the random projects you may find. you never know where they'll take you.
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jaskierx · 1 year
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bestie please explain what's going on in the witcher fandom because holy shit??! 👀👀
bestie what ISN’T going on in the witcher fandom. (i’m so sorry this got so long and boring i just started typing and did not stop apparently)
once upon a time in september 2018 henry cavill is cast as geralt of rivia in netflix’s adaptation of the witcher. people are generally surprised but pleased, reddit collectively nuts, mainly bc he's a self-professed 'nerd' and has talked about enjoying the witcher games and books previously
season 1 comes out and is generally well received, most of the negativity was just plain old racism and misogyny with people whinging that casting women and people of colour is 'netflix wokery' and 'inaccurate' because the setting is meant to be based on slavic countries. so according to some folks, henry cavill, as a straight white man who did not completely fuck up his role in s1, is basically the second coming of christ
season 2 comes out and is...not generally well received. by many people for many diverse reasons that i am not going into bc we will be here all day. but basically it becomes quite clear from s2 that the show is not an adaptation of the books, it’s more loosely based on the books. anyway the reddit bros start acting as if henry cavill is the show’s one saving grace and that he’s carrying a shitty show along on his back and that without him things would be even worse because there’d be nobody to overrule the showrunner on stuff like this
this intensifies in late october this year when stuff starts going around about the show writers mocking the books
anyway then henry cavill announces that he is leaving the witcher after s3 (filming had already wrapped at this point) and moving on to pastures new. he also announces that liam hemsworth will be playing geralt from s4. memeworthy stuff, the gift of prophecy strikes again. people tend to fall into one of two vibe camps in response: 1. ‘fucking lol’ 2. ‘i wish i was dead’
rumours swirl and the two main schools of thought about why he left are 1. because he was offered £££££££££ to play superman and 2. because he loves the source material so much he couldn’t bear to continue working on the show. these closely align with the two aforementioned vibe camps.
someone made this very reasonable post and i was grateful for it
THEN today a really objectively funny thing happened in that after all that, james gunn has turned around and said ‘actually the superman movie we’re doing is about a younger superman so none for henry cavill bye’
which is just like. icing on the cake of drama and dials everything up to 11 with the ‘i would kill and die for henry cavill’ gang taking this as proof that there were major creative differences between him and the showrunners (?) and the ‘fucking lol’ gang basically eating popcorn
and on that note i’m just leaving this post and this post here without comment
so yeah that’s that on that sorry for the novel <3
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seeminglydark · 1 year
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Idk if this means anything to you but I'm a comic artist who's had a hard time doing art for a few years. The first four was because of life hardship and lack of time/chronic pain, but now lately I've had time but a mental block. I'm creeping up on 30 and felt bad about myself for "missing out" on my opportunity to be a comic artist. It was really validating to see you post about being 41 (correct me if I'm wrong) especially since you have such wonderful comics that I've been following for a while now. It makes me feel less like I'm wasting my time putting my things in order when I "should" be drawing.
Hopefully this doesn't come across as offensive or anything. It was just comforting and validating. Anyway, big fan! Love your characters a whole lot and hope you have a good day!
Dear Anon
I am 41 years old. I have wanted to make comics my entire life. before my dad got sick, and my childhood kinda fell apart, all i did was draw. after that, i used the stories in my head to cope. life moved on. i was convinced not to accept a partial scholarship to an art school in California. life got hard. i worked at a hotel, and after i escaped an abusive relationship at 22 i hitchhiked/bused far far away to start over. i tried to make comics again, but i had to survive, and so i got another job doing the only thing i knew how to do, hotels. and i worked. and worked. and life got harder and times got heavier and i didn't get time to draw and i worked double hours, 15 to 17 hours a day. and i went four years without drawing a single thing.
i kept working myself into the ground. i was 29 now. i picked up a pen again and drew a red haired boy. he had a hard life and no love and no friends. his problems were on the outside, for everyone to see. he ran away but his problems went with him.
i was 32. surely i was too old now. my time to be an artist was gone. i had no school. no hope. i was so far behind the younger gen i saw online. i cried. all the time. i wrote stories in my email drafts while i worked shifts. i stayed up late trying to learn how to draw again. i cried some more. the boy grew. i called him Fiach. worthy. a raven. later i renamed him Avery. he was like a bird, he had wings, he was my hope. i started writing some friends for him. the people i wished i had around me.
i started finding time and space. i got a new job, something where i was lucky enough to set my own hours. for the first time i had a partner who believed in me. things were hard. but i was drawing now. and that helped.
i went on a road trip and i started drawing pages of an unnamed story on 6 by 8 paper in a sketchbook. i drew 20 of them. 'what could i call this?' i thought. Nothing Seems as Dark...no says my partner. Seemingly Dark. he made me a logo. i was 35. i bought an ipad, i cant do this on paper, its too much story i have too much to say. so i learned how to draw digitally by tracing my own trad art pages.
I spoke to my dad for the last time on June 17th, fathers day that year. he said 'you're good. i'm proud. and you're gonna do amazing things. none of this is your fault. and we will speak again soon.' i didn't know id never hear his voice again. he died a week later.
i turned 36. i kept trying. i'm old, i don't understand the internet. how can i share this?
i stumbled across Lore Olympus. i was introduced to webcomics. id read comics online before but the thought never occurred to me. i opened an account on Tapas. and then i stared at it. what if no one likes it. what if its bad. my art isn't good. i should wait til i'm better. but will i ever really be better? or will i always believe that tomorrow is better? do it now. if even one person gets something out of this story, this story about a boy who is you, a boy who looking for hope, a boy who might make it, then that is enough isn't it.
June 17th 2018 i launched Seemingly Dark.
SD's five year anniversary is in a week. 0ver 700 pages. leaps and bounds in progress with my skills. a printed comic under my belt as of monday. i was always a storyteller. but i was always an artist too.
I am 41 years old, dear anon. I did not truly embark on this journey til i was 35. life got in the way. even now, chronic illness gets in the way. but its worth it. its never ever too late. i believe in you the way my dad believed in me. i reset my life again and again. but I was always an artist. and if thats who you are, and who you want to be, even if things dont go the way you wished they could, you're an artist too.
im 41 years old. i speak about my age, even though i often feel too old to belong in spaces, cuz really, in this case age is just a number. take care of yourself. do what you need to do. and little by little, when your able, carve out your space until it becomes more of a habit. sometimes i think about all the years i lost not drawing or creating. but there's a lot of factors that make me believe had i made my story then, it wouldn't be the story it is now, i needed to live a bit. i needed to find myself. i know this was long, but i just wanted you to see i also had to put my life in order, and getting notes like this reminds me it wasnt at all a waste. im glad i could offer you some comfort. thats honestly the best compliment i could ever receive.
TL;dR I was 35 when i sat down and seriously started making comics, because life always got in the way and so did my confidence. i always feared being too old. im 41 now, still going strong.
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thefoxtherapist · 10 months
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Affectionate
This was written for @cerasus--flores and is a rewrite of my old work from late 2018.
tags: Frank(Legion) x gn!affectionate!reader, its more fluff, so much fluff.
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It wasn’t that an affectionate partner was out of the scope of normal for him, he’d experienced it before. But you were an exceptionally clingy lover. Frank let out a choked chuckle when you buried your face against his side, inadvertently tickling him again. “Baby, I gotta go. The trial is starting soon, don’t want the Entity getting mad at me. Again.” He ran his fingers through your hair as you looked up at him with a pout.
“Just a few more minutes? Please?” You all but begged him, batting your eyelashes at the man who sighed. He cupped your cheeks, twisting his body so he could bend down and kiss you. You reached up, running your fingers through his messy hair. “You need to brush this so bad.” You teased him and he rolled his eyes at you.
“It isn’t like the Entity exactly provides me a hair brush in ‘ere.” 
You continued to run your fingers through his tangled hair, pulling the tangles free as gently as you could. Frank closed his eyes as you fixed his hair for him, melting into the near domesticity of the scenario. He almost felt normal. His nose twitched when you began to kiss all over his face, dubbing his hair good enough for now.
Soft brown eyes opened to look up at you, blinking slowly. He moved quickly, faster than a normal human could, he pushed you onto your back on the couch. His body covered yours, careful not to crush you with all of his weight immediately. Frank felt more like a weighted blanket than anything else. You wrapped your arms around his waist, dragging him down properly on top of you in order to hold him.
“I thought you said you had to go?”
You teased him, your smile hidden against his neck as he laid on top of you. “Screw the Entity. It can wait. Or send somebody else. I’m not here for a long time, I’m here for a good time.” He lifted his head a little more to get a better look at you, his expression softening at your bright smile. You always knew how to get him where it hurt.
Frank nuzzled your cheek as he laid his head back down, arms on either side of you sinking into the cushions. His legs were a tangled mess with yours and you were just thankful the bullets on his belt weren’t digging into your skin. But you’d never pass up an opportunity to cling to your boyfriend, opting to give him a quick nuzzle back.
“Can’t we just stay like this forever?”
You felt his laugh reverberate your chest, a warm feeling filled you at the sensation, the sound. “I wish, baby. But we got a job to do. You gotta survive, and I..” Frank leaned up, kissing your chin. “Gotta kill ya.”  Frank’s words would have been chilling. But being in the trials for so long. None of it fazed you anymore.
He nudged your face a little, getting you in range to kiss you once more. His lips were cold against yours, they always were. As if he’d been outside the lodge the entire time. But it was a sensation you’d grown comfortable with, returning his eager kiss with several of your own.
After several moments, you pulled him against you again, his head resting against yours. “Hm..” You hummed and he quietly waited for you to continue your thought. You brought one hand up, trailing up his back, smoothing through his hair. “Do you think we would’ve gotten together if we’d met outside of here?” You could feel him smile against your skin at the question.
“I’d like to think so.” Frank admitted, pressing a kiss to your skin. “I’d like to think what we have was born from genuine attraction, not just some need for affection.” And you laughed at that, turning your head slightly to try and catch a glimpse of him. You could feel his smile, it soothed you greatly.
“Wow~ I forget that sometimes you can sound smart.”
Frank snorted, gently biting you, he ignored the faux ‘ow!’. “I’m a dropout, not a dumbass.” You tugged on his hair and with his own fake ‘ow’ he lifted his head to pout at you. His pout quickly melted with your lips on his for the nigh time that day. The Entity wouldn’t be happy with him cutting, but Frank couldn’t care less.
How could he?
“I love you, Frank Morrison~”
“And I love you.” 
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formulaocean · 1 month
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Just some thoughts on almost driver team pairings and the potential butterfly effects from each, all very much AU.
Lewis Hamilton decided Mercedes was just too big a risk from McLaren in 2013. This resulted in their second choice (Hulk) joining Nico Rosberg instead, both giving Hulk podiums and wins and giving Rosberg the 2014 championship a couple years ahead of schedule. Maybe Lewis as Niki Lauda’s number 1 choice in a fading McLaren still joins Mercedes in 2015 but he’s joining a team where Nico is their most recent champion and as such their competition over the next few years is less resentful and Nico has the confidence to fight without mind games . In short brocedes but they were both champions before becoming teammates and it changes everything.
Carrying on from this thought in normal 2016 Nico Rosberg tells Toto he’s retiring at the end of the season regardless of the outcome far earlier than he actually does and they do manage to sign Hulk before he signs with Renault again ending his podium drought.
Toto gets his wish and when Valteri is struggling in 2018 on his one year contracts he actually does manage to sign Max Verstappen from 2019. Does this mean there’s a Max v Lewis championship battle ahead of schedule? I can definitely see it for 2020 in the HAM-BOT-VER podium era as well as 2021 of course. Knock on effects involve Daniel Ricciardo staying on at Red Bull and although I can’t see him beating Lewis or Max in 2021 the dominance of the car in 2022/3 may have made him a world champion if losing his edge was a result of his McLaren days rather than a natural progression. If it was a natural progression it is also more likely that Charles could have had a proper shot at the championship in 2022 as he did beat Checo (barely) even with Ferrari being Ferrari that year and it would be interesting to see how dominant Red Bull would have been in 2023 potentially without a driver that’s 15 seconds ahead- I can see multiple race winners for a start even if they get the championship.
A long shot that would likely never have happened but Sebastian Vettel returns to Red Bull in 2021. Ferrari drops him early on in 2020 (let’s say Checo never won that glorious race and he stays on at what becomes Aston Martin for a straightforward swap) and Red Bull was very much looking for a more experienced driver and what’s a better storyline than having Seb return to partner Max? This has ramifications of if Seb got his edge back and it was a three way title fight in 2021 plus he stays longer in the sport with a fast car, or if he was more a Checo/Valteri figure but managed to take valuable points off Lewis (let’s say Silverstone) for a less controversial end to the championship. You also get more of a relationship between Max and Seb instead of just parallels and likely some weirdness from Charles about that too. It’s definitely a bit of a middle finger to Ferrari as well.
The Ferrari Driver Academy does the sensible thing and does not listen to Haas about wanting German sponsorship. Thus Mick goes to partner Kimi at Alfa Romeo instead and gets a more functional team to develop in. Would definitely be curious to see if that would have made a difference!
Ron Dennis does not put a rookie in the fastest car on the grid but still speed runs his progression. As such Fernando gets his third world championship and Lewis still gets his a year later (sorry Kimi).
Oscar Piastri does in fact go to Alpine. This could mean Daniel Ricciardo stays on another year at McLaren with no broken contract when the car actually does get fast (would be interesting to see if he could make that work or not) and also that they might have a spare seat in 2025 where they would court one of their favourite sons for a Carlando reunion in a McLaren that could potentially fight Ferrari long term. Alternatively Alpine is breaking apart at the seems and Mark Webber still does his a plus managing and gets Oscar out of there for 2024 anyway. For 2023 it would mean that Pierre Gasly stays on at Alpha Tauri and that whole mess of Alpha Tauri musical chairs is avoided.
BONUS. Honda pushes for Max to join Aston Martin in 2026 just as he’s potentially looking for an out from Red Bull amidst new engine regulations and an uncomfortable environment. We know they want to work with Max again already. There may not be a championship fight but we do get Alonso and Max as a chaotic and sensational teammate pairing doing more than the car is capable of and a team where all drivers, manufacturers, and financial backers are properly pushing in the right direction. Or maybe he joins after Fernando takes a step away from driving and is in the back room pulling in those points with Lance still around.
BONUS. I just like to think of the pure chaos that would be a George and Max teammate pairing that is not going to happen but would be pure gold. Max gets infinitely annoyed at Mercedes for not knowing how to build a car but has enough experience fighting for wins and podiums in previous not too competitive Red Bull cars that he makes the best of it but George makes it very very hard at times and he is so not used to a teammate that won’t just get out of his way at this point that the “princess dickhead” tiffs become very common. George has a bunch of resentment that he’s not treated as first driver even now and from his side he’s not about to let Max pass just because he’s Max Verstappen and it’s just very funny to watch. Alternatively (in very much crack territory here) Horner has enough of Toto posturing about Max and signs Checo for one more year before stealing George in 2026. Toto shows up for a duel at dawn.
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jetskisonyourmoat · 1 year
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My favourite written Alex interview is the one from the Telegraph where he had to answer questions via email because he was basically incoherent when he was interviewed after a TLSP show. This last part is so so good
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IRL Alex would never be able to say any of these things as coherently as he does here so I’m really glad he took the time to write back to the interviewer.
There’s a video interview on YouTube i think it’s with Stijn from Studio Brussels in 2018 where he comments that often people ask him about the lyrics and writing but don’t really want ‘to get into it’ they just want to know the ‘names and addresses’ of whoever they think he’s writing about. I always found that funny because when Martin was interviewing him and Miles in 2016 for FaceCulture Alex gets snarky and jokes that Martin wants to know the names and addresses of the people in the songs. But it’s also a little sad because I get the impression that he really does want to go into it, especially if he can sense the interviewer will actually care to listen and also be patient with him. BASICALLY what I’m trying to say is that Alex actually really likes talking about writing but it’s either that the interviewers aren’t that interested (don’t ask the right questions) or that he literally can’t verbally communicate his thoughts in the way he wants (very relatable). In this interview though he actually really gets into it and the metaphors he uses are so vivid and visual it makes me want to go off on a tangent about the way he translates the images in his head into lyrics (but that’s probably for another day). Honestly wonder how long he’d been developing this metaphor for the relationship between lyrics and melody, but ultimately I’m really grateful that he shared this when he did.
Also this part at the start is so
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I always got the impression from his interviews that Alex ‘rehearses’ or at least meticulously plans what he’s going to say, because he’s an expert at not always answering questions directly but still pushing the conversation forward towards what he actually wants to say. So the whole ‘internal cue cards’ thing makes a lot of sense to me. Sometimes I wish he’d be more spontaneous or he’d do more ‘fun’ interviews, but then I remember that when Jo Whiley did a quick fire round with Alex and Matt, Alex could barely answer any of the questions. So I guess the internal cue cards are a good idea!
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foursaints · 2 months
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i know you get asked this probably 16 times a day but as a fellow artist who usually paints based off of references of real pics and trying to be somewhat realistic. how did you develop your style? did it take awhile, or was it pretty immediate? did you start out doing mediums like painting and drawing and transition to digital or was it always digital? final question: do you have any “tips” or “words of wisdom” for silly people like me who wanna try digital art but never have and because i never have im too scared to try…? sorry for the elephant stampede of questions i just really love your art and would love to know YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS!!! (please)
hi ♡♡!! this is so kind & honestly i'm incredibly touched... I forget that people even like my silly art so this had me making 🥺 eyes at my phone. i will answer your questions to the best of my abilities!!!
i'm putting it under the cut so i can attach examples lol
DON'T BE SCARED OF THE SWITCH TO DIGITAL!! it's so fun and the undo button will change your life... come take my hand... my biggest tip is to watch speedpaints! that was really huge for me when making the switch. find artists with styles close to yours & pay attention to their steps (how many layers they have, how they do lineart, do they use overlays, etc). if you do this a lot, you can get a clearer sense for how the digital workflow/process can look for you
i feel like kind of a pompous asshole discussing my own "style" or whatever 😭😭 my silly yaoi fanart 😭😭 but i do want to answer your questions!!! i started out drawing traditionally but i transitioned to digital when i was 16. and for a very long time i was one of the people who drew with my finger on my iphone .......i def get the most questions about my style & the unsatisfying answer is that it's pretty much always been there. it's evolved over time in a way i can't really describe so i'll show it visually
(my examples are all my ocs in an attempt to get you guys to be curious about them)
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^ i did a redraw pretty recently so i can put that here!! these are the same characters from Jan 2020 -> March 2024... the first one was drawn on my literal phone lmfao. to me it's almost as though my "style" has always been there, but it's become like... yassified?
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^ my art looked like this in 2020-2021
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^ and like this in 2018-2019 when i was still doing trad
sorry for responding to your questions with an elephant stampede of images lmfao!!! I APPRECIATE YOU!! i guess my only words of wisdom are that even if it's intimating, you will never look back & regret trying something artistically. looking at my own stuff like this, im the cringiest yaoi artist EVERRR but im still doing it because it's the most fun when you're being self-indulgent.
i really really wish you the best on your art journey! thank you so much for writing & i hope my answers weren't too long-winded ♡♡
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CFWC Writer of the Month - Aug 2023: ao719
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Each month CFWC highlights one of our talented fanfic writers, and this month’s writer of the month is @ao719. We hope you will enjoy learning more about them and their work below! The writer is selected at random. More info can be found on the navigation page.
Quick Links:
Tumblr Blog: ao719 Blog Masterlist
How do you want to be known on Tumblr? Anitah
1- When did you start playing Choices? What was the first book you played? 
I first started playing in June 2018. The Royal Romance was the first book I played, and I got hooked from the end of the first chapter. At the time, they were midway through releasing TRR book 3, so I binged books 1 & 2 and finally caught up on the day of the wedding, where the chapter ended with the attack at the boutique. Then I didn’t know what to do with myself because it was the first time I had to wait a week to find out what was going to happen.
2- When and why did you join Choices fandom?
Finding Tumblr was a complete accident. I was googling something really dumb about Liam and TRR and happened to stumble across a link for a fic on Tumblr. At the time, I didn’t know what Tumblr was; I’d heard of it but had no idea what it consisted of. The fic I came across was around 40+ chapters, and I was in my glory reading this angsty story about Liam, but it wasn’t finished, so when I reached the last updated chapter, I was like, “I need more.” So I opened Tumblr and searched for more Liam fics and found a trove. I lurked for another month or so before finally making my account in September 2018.
3- How did you pick your blog name? 
I wish I had some good story for it, but it’s the most basic thing, lol. It’s just my initials and a significant date. I think if I came into the fandom with the intention of actually doing something with the blog, I would have tried to come up with something a little more clever and creative, but I had zero intention of doing anything but reading. I thought about changing it a few years ago, but when I learned that I’d have to relink everything in my masterlist, it didn’t seem worth the hassle.
4- Pull up the first post in your archive, and tell us about it!  
It’s from the day TRR 3 ended and it’s about how I was sad that it was over but was glad that I had all these stories to read.
5- How long have you been writing fanfiction?
I’d never written anything until I joined the fandom, so I’ve only been writing for almost five years now. The thought of writing didn’t even cross my mind when I joined the fandom, but within a couple of weeks of making my blog, I had a random idea pop up in my head, and for some reason, I decided to write it down. A few days later, after talking myself out of posting and then talking myself back into it, I bit the bullet. For me to post a story that I wrote was entirely out of my comfort zone. I’m pretty shy and tend to be more of a wallflower, so I don’t usually put myself out there, especially like that, and I’ve never been someone who does something where I intentionally set myself up, knowing there is a very good chance that I will fail. And social media on any platform can be a pretty intimidating and terrifying place when you open yourself up, especially to strangers, even by way of posting a measly little fanfic. So to say I was terrified of posting that first fic is an understatement, but I’m so glad that I did.
6- What is your favorite Choices book, and what is your favorite Choices book to write about?
The Royal Romance will always be my favorite. It was the first book I ever played and was the only one I played for well over a year (I just kept replaying over and over and over until @cocomaxley convinced me to give MotY a try, which I fell in love with). It’s my comfort book. And like every book, it definitely has its flaws, but I love it and the characters so much. And TRR is my favorite book to write about. Liam will always be my number one guy.
7- Share the first fanfic you wrote with us. Do you still like it, or would you change it if you were writing it today?
The first fic that I wrote was I Dare You. It’s not an all-time favorite of mine, but I like it well enough that I wouldn’t change anything about it.
8- What is your favorite fic that you’ve written?
This is tough because I have a few that I love for different reasons, but I think Always You will always be the most special to me because it was the first series I wrote that I can truly say I poured my whole heart into. I love that story, and I love the history between Liam and the OC, their bond, and their relationship. 
9- Do you have a fic that you didn’t expect to be well received, but it was? What about one you expected to be but found could use a little more love?
When I decided to start Hopeless Hearts, I didn’t think it would be received any differently from most things I’d written before. It was an idea I’d kept on the back burner for over 2 years prior to writing it because I didn’t think it was anything spectacular or out of the box. It turned out to be my most well-received series, and it became one of my personal favorites as well.
I don’t think anything I’ve written has left me feeling as though I wished it had gotten more. I’m still surprised to this day that anyone wants to read anything I’ve written at all, so any love that my fics get is beyond appreciated.
10- If you could write only angst, fluff, or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why? 
Angst (but with a HEA). I love putting my characters through the wringer before giving them that happily ever after they deserve. Whether I’m reading or writing, there’s something about feeling the pain and longing they’re going through that gets me emotionally invested. I think that’s why I love the second chance romance trope so much, too. It’s a really versatile trope, but there’s a lot of room for angst in those kinds of stories because of that established history between the characters and a past that tore them apart the first time around.
11- Do you ever recognize yourself in any of your MCs or in your writing?
I think I sprinkle a little bit of myself into all of my MCs/OCs. It’s usually something small like a favorite food, a hobby, certain mannerisms, etc. I think the one that I’ve added more of myself into than any other and can relate to the most personality wise would definitely be Charlotte.
12- What element of writing do you struggle with most?
I struggle with all of it here and there, and I’m constantly questioning whether something makes sense, if it’s flowing together, if it’s too descriptive or not descriptive enough, etc. I think the one area I most consistently struggle with is deciding where and how to end because I always want to leave my chapters with a cliffhanger or if I’m finishing something for good, I want to give it the ending it deserves. 
13- Do you have any neglected work you really want to finish?
I have quite a few that are unfinished that I know I more than likely won’t ever pick back up, mostly because I just lost my mojo for them, but there are definitely some that I want to finish. I’d really like to get back to Past Meet Present one day. I don’t even remember why I got off track with writing it, and it’s been at least two years or more since I last updated it 🫣 so I’m not sure if anyone would even still be interested at this point, but I’d really like to finish that along with Breaking Point and Us Again.
14- If someone you know in real life (who isn’t involved in fandoms) asked to read your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you recommend they read first? 
No. Maybe. I don’t know, lol. I try to be a “never say never” kind of person, but writing is something that I’ve done for almost five years that literally no one in my real life knows about. Not my friends, not my family, not a single soul. It’s like my dirty little secret. And it’s a little tough because it does get lonely sometimes when you have something that you love doing so much but you just feel like you can’t share or aren’t ready to share that part of yourself with even those closest to you. I’m a pretty self-conscious person, and posting on here where I can hide behind a screen is hard enough; I get nervous and have a good spike of anxiety every time I post something, no matter what it is. I don’t know if I could handle someone who knows me personally even knowing that I write, let alone actually reading something I’ve written. I’ve got the bubble gut just thinking about it 🥴
15 - Are there any writers (published authors and/or fanfic writers) who influenced your writing? 
I’ve been lucky enough to talk to and befriend some amazing and talented people in the time I’ve been here who I’ve certainly looked up to when it comes to their writing talents. And there are also those writers who I got to know after I’d been writing for a while that not only continued to inspire me with their amazing stories and talent but who also became a huge support and really close friends. They were and/or are always willing to brainstorm, look over snippets, help in those moments when I’ve been extra critical of myself and feeling very unsure, and/or have just been the absolute best cheerleaders and constantly supportive and encouraging to not only me but others as well. I don’t want to make a list because I always end up forgetting someone and I don’t want to leave anyone out, but anyone that fits that bill above, you know how much I love and appreciate each one of you.
16- Which one of your stories would you most like to see as a movie/series? 
I’d say either Always You or Hopeless Hearts for a movie. Series I think Full Disclosure with some Charlotte shenanigans would be pretty fun 😂
17- Do you write original fiction? 
I haven’t. I’ve been asked a few times about whether I’ve thought about turning a couple of my series into original stories, but I just don’t think I’ll have the confidence to ever do it 😬
18 -  What other hobbies do you have?
I do photography. I love calligraphy and making hand drawn quote signs on wood or canvas. I love to read — I’m currently in my fantasy girl era and have been obsessing over the ACOTAR series for months, lol. 
19 - What’s your favorite emoji? 
I use so many to express myself in conversations that I think it would be hard to pick just one. My most commonly used ones: 💀 😂 🥲 😬 😍 🥴 🥹
20: BONUS - tell us anything you’d like (if you want to).
I just want to thank CFWC for working so hard to help keep this fandom active and supporting everyone here. 
To anyone who’s taken any time to read my stories and interact with me in any way, I appreciate it more than I can say. 
This place has been such an escape for me over the past (almost) five years, one I’m still very much in need of. So, whether you’re a content creator, writer, artist, reader, whatever the case may be, whether we’ve interacted before or not, thank you for what you’ve done to help keep this fandom alive.
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Melissa O'Neil and Eric Winter never expected Lucy Chen and Tim Bradford to get together on The Rookie. When the ABC police procedural debuted in 2018, Chen and Bradford were paired up for the first time as rookie and training officer, respectively. And while they have both made strides professionally, a growing legion of fans began clamoring for them to become more than just colleagues — so much so that creator and showrunner Alexi Hawley pivoted to a slow-burn romance.
"When this all started, there were these hashtags, and it's funny because we, as actors, threw around #Tucy and #Chenford early on, but it was really us playing with the fact that we were partners," Winter told TV Guide in a joint interview with O'Neil. "The fans truly grabbed onto it from Day 1 and said, 'They're a couple! This needs to happen.' And we're like, 'How?! I'm so mean to her. I'm bossing her around. I'm a jerk all the time.' I don't think it really set in for us until they entertained it."
There have certainly been a few close calls for "Chenford" fans over the years — including a fake confession scene, where O'Neil and Winter were convinced that Hawley was ready to pull the trigger on their characters' relationship.
"At that point, [the chatter] was really happening online, and we thought for sure that maybe there was subtext," O'Neil recalled of shooting that scene. "We were asking [Hawley]: 'Is this a true confession that she's masking as a thing?' And he goes, 'No, it's not. This is a joke.' So I don't know when it clicked. But I was surprised because even at that point, it was not a thing."
The fans finally got their wish in Season 5 of The Rookie. Now heading into the show's sixth season, which premieres Feb. 20, Chen and Bradford's work-life balance will be put to the test — and fans definitely won't want to miss the milestone 100th episode.
In their first in-depth interview, which took place during the Television Critics Association press tour in Pasadena, O'Neil and Winter chatted about the evolution of Chenford, how they work together as scene partners, and Winter's unexpected love for TikTok.
Let's get one of the most important questions out of the way: Who do you think fell first?
Winter: I get asked this all the time. [To O'Neil] I'm sure you do, too.
O'Neil: I don't get asked this.
Winter: I always say Lucy.
OK, let's say Lucy fell first. Can you pinpoint a specific moment when you noticed a shift in this dynamic?
O'Neil: The first time Lucy ever played it — or that I intentionally played it as an actor — was definitely at that kiss moment. He was so cruel to her so many times that she was like, "I have nothing to do with this dude." And then there's that moment where there's physical intimacy, and then chemistry does what chemistry does, and now she's looking at him in a way that she didn't before. But there's always been love.
Winter: The only reason I say Lucy fell first is Tim has so many walls up, and he went through such a bad situation with his ex-wife. Tim had to let a lot more down to go: "I'm going to really let myself get to this place again with a partner and somebody I'm in the force with." I feel like that's my only justification, but I don't think either of us really know.
O'Neil: Yeah, there's not a point I can pinpoint from an actor perspective. And even when I think about all the times that Lucy was going out of her way to express her care, I really think that's just her character. The only time I thought it was a little weird — and I tried to fish around to be like, "Why is she behaving like this?" — was when she followed him. I think it was in the pilot or shortly after.
Winter: When I'm going to his ex-wife's?
O'Neil: Yeah, I show up, and I'm like, "What are you doing?!"
Winter: But I do think that was an early part when fans started to go, "There's something there. Why is she, as a rookie, going so far away out of her way to protect this guy who's such a jerk to her? What does she see in him that she might like?"
O'Neil: You know what's a fun tidbit? The first time that Chen and Bradford got into a fight — it was the first fight where she's saying that she's going out of her way to try to save him, and he's giving her shit for it, for suicidal ideation or something like that. She's like, "I was trying to protect you." [Richard T. Jones, who plays Wade] was like, "I saw right from that scene that you guys were going to be something." And we were like, "What are you talking about?" Richard's the original Chenford person!
When you play work partners who eventually become romantic partners, there's an important shift in physical and emotional intimacy that has to occur. Compared to last season, do you feel like there is a difference in the way you approach these "Chenford" scenes this season?
O'Neil: I'm super conscious of a lot of those choices, because personally, as a woman, I am very different with my romantic partner than I would ever be with a work person. So I've actually really enjoyed having the opportunity to play that difference. It's been really fun to figure out how to layer in that kind of intimacy in a work environment that's not obtuse and on the nose. But if you know what's going on between them, you're like, "Oh, that was cute, the way they looked at each other at work."
Winter: We've been very, very mindful of trying to be true to what it would be like to be them at work as a couple. Also, [we're considering] Tim's past, her past, and how that bleeds together. It's something we do take very seriously as far as trying to keep it as authentic as possible. As actors, I think the only way it's shifted is that we're more aware of it.
As characters, I think it's part of the fun of the storyline — the fact that it is awkward at times, or maybe we're trying to be a little bit affectionate out in public, but then we pull it back. We have to do our job, and we have to take our jobs seriously. [As Tim] I can't treat her differently. Even though she's my girlfriend, I'm a sergeant, and she's supposed to follow my command. There's a lot of things that you can play with.
After 100 episodes, you are certainly two of the only cast members I can think of who are still in a lot of the scenes together. What do you think you bring out in each other as scene partners? What do you think are the keys to fostering that sense of trust?
O'Neil: Eric and I are both dragons. This is our [Chinese zodiac] year. I am saying that because we learned that about each other on the pilot. We've always had a shorthand, and we're very open to collaborating. Or rather, I would say, Eric's very patient and gracious [laughs] with me when I'm like, "Hey, can I pitch you something?" But he's always down to workshop a scene, and I really appreciate that.
As their relationship has unfolded, we're navigating a lot of different things that require a certain degree of familiarity and intimacy — even just relationally. We recently shot a scene [in episode 606] that was super vulnerable, and I really feel like our friendship has facilitated the ability for those scenes to go deep in a way that's honest and true.
Winter: We both care a lot about the show and these characters. So we collaborate well together. She likes to pitch me a lot of ideas.
O'Neil: [Laughs.] He's so patient!
Winter: She wants to run my lines all the time before I've learned them. [O'Neil laughs.] I'm patient with that, because we learn lines very differently. But look, at the end of the day, we had a big scene this season with each other, and she said, "Hey, can I talk to my scene partner for a second? I want to talk to you about something." So that trust is important. But you're right. I didn't even think about what you just said, but it's true: We're the only two characters that have been together since Day 1.
O'Neil: Oh, wow.
Winter: [Alyssa Diaz's] Angela lost her rookie, [Nathan Fillion's] Nolan, as you know, has obviously moved on with different people, and [Afton Williamson's] Bishop is no longer here with us, so there's a lot of changes. Listen, we've been so fortunate that they're crafting such good strong characters for us that it hasn't ever gotten boring. I could sit in the shot with [O'Neil], and we're doing the pod car scenes, and every time we have a blast. It always feels fresh and new.
What new layers are you finding in your characters — both individually and as a couple — this season?
Winter: What we're gonna see, and what I like, is a lot of authenticity about a couple learning how to navigate these waters of growth in career and as a couple. I just know that in real life, in my own relationships, it's not always easy to navigate changes in careers and relationships. I'm not saying changes in respect to [Chen and Bradford's relationship specifically], but it could be a different position, like being detective, whatever it is. These are jumps in a job that can take a toll on a relationship, and given Tim's past with his ex wife, it's a lot. So I think it would have been a shame to not feel them go through those challenges and try to navigate that as a couple, because that's what you want. You want to see real couples have real problems and figure it out. Her being a detective is a tough thing for Tim to go through.
Tim diving more into his past is always an eye-opener for me to know why he is the way he is and the challenges he's always kept everybody away from. We're diving into a lot of that to understand more about him as a person, and [Lucy] is helping to bring out a lot of the best in Tim to help him navigate that.
O'Neil: This season, Lucy's going through a set of circumstances that we've never had the opportunity to see her go through. Even as the actor who's going through the paces with her, I'm doing things and feeling things that I have not explored prior. Half the time, I'm like, "How am I going to feel when I get there?" And I don't know, because I haven't even been in a lot of these situations myself. So [as an actor] you want to get squeezed in that way, and I've enjoyed it. In all transparency, I have also felt really vulnerable at times, because some of the stuff that we're touching [on] are things that I don't think I would ever elect to show my co-workers, let alone a bunch of human beings watching it at home.
What can you tease about the 100th episode?
Winter: We dance! We have a good dance with a nice little confessional of information. Tim opens up to her a bit during the dance.
I don't think we ever saw any of the other characters react to news of their relationship.
Winter: We've talked about that, actually.
O'Neil: Yeah, I do feel like that's a bit of a loss that they didn't do that.
Winter: And by the way, I don't think Tim knows about Nolan [previously secretly dating Lucy] either.
That was going to be my next question!
Winter: I think that would be an amazing episode. And I would love for that episode to come out!
O'Neil: I mean, I feel like it would have to be a flashback at this point.
Winter: Because I think there's so much gold to mine in that discomfort, just as a guy in my own life —
O'Neil: Wait, wait! With where they are now though, I feel like it would have to be a flashback. She must have told him by this point..
Winter: Nope.
O'Neil: [Looking slightly horrified but also unable to suppress her laugh.] Are you serious?
Winter: It's never easy for a guy to find out that he's dating someone that is his current friend or coworker's ex that he didn't know for all this time. I think that's the beauty of it. You didn't know how to tell me about it, and Nolan definitely is not going to tell me about it, and there's so much fun to have with that story. Just an episode of it would be so fun.
O'Neil: Yeah, that would be funny.
What are some of your favorite Chenford moments?
O'Neil: I love the false confession. I think it's hilarious, and we had a blast shooting it. I will never forget watching playback and watching his face respond. The way that he was responding made me laugh even harder. I thought that scene was just so well-executed. Anytime we're in the pod car, we're knobs, we always have so much fun, and it's fun for everybody else. It's a blast.
Winter: It's called Pod Car Karaoke when we're in the car. We're goofballs. We sing constantly.
O'Neil: So loud! The second they yell cut — and sometimes even when they've already yelled action, we're still listening to the radio lip syncing. It's bad.
Winter: There's been so many great, fun Chenford scenes. I loved saving her in the barrel.
O'Neil: That's a stunning moment.
Winter: That's a great scene. That was such a great episode for her, and I think it was just such a pivotal moment again for them and for the fans. Me giving her the ring back, which was one of her pitches.
O'Neil: That was a pitch! I pitched that!
Winter: She said, "If we could bring the ring back, it'd be such a cool thing because he found it out there." I don't want to get in trouble for that, but that was her idea.
O'Neil: We did that on the day though. I'm always pitching stuff!
Winter: And that was a great one!
Eric, you recently joined TikTok and have become a bit of an overnight sensation with fans. What made you want to join the platform now? And when will we get another Chenford TikTok?
O'Neil: This guy used all of us to make his TikTok huge. [Takes the phone recording the conversation off the table and puts it in his face.] Tell them why. This is the time to plug.
Winter: [My wife] Roselyn [Sánchez] pushed me to do TikTok, no question about it. I have never been [more] negative on a platform about my life. I was like, "Never will I join TikTok ever."
O'Neil: He thought it was cringe. [Puts phone down.]
Winter: I'm launching a rum in April, and I was like, "I want to be able to reach my fans and talk about things I'm doing." I feel like maybe it resonated because I was so anti-TikTok, and then my first TikTok was very much about me caving. What I've noticed that the fans respond to [is content that] is so opposite of Bradford. They're so confused by what they're seeing. A lot of them are going, "I don't know if I can look at Eric the same way anymore." They're seeing this goofball side of me, but on the show, I'm clearly not. On Instagram, I don't do any of that.
O'Neil: Instagram is his family Facebook page.
Winter: It's like, "Here is my life. These are my friends! This is what I do!" And then I'm just a weirdo on TikTok. But [Melissa] loves TikTok.
O'Neil: I had burner accounts. I wouldn't go public with it because he teased me so hard that I was like, "I don't have a TikTok."
Winter: Yeah, I would tease her. Jenna [Dewan] is obsessed with TikTok. And now I get a lot of credit for recruiting Mekia [Cox] and Alyssa.
O'Neil: You did recruit Mekia and Alyssa because they're in their mom era, and they were both like, "Why is Eric doing TikTok?!"
Winter: Because they knew I was so anti-TikTok! They were like, "There has to be a reason!" So I recruited them. [points at O'Neil] I didn't recruit her to the platform, but I did inspire her to start doing more and get back on. Inspire might be a big word, but I got her back on.
O'Neil: I haven't found the right audio yet to do a Chenford TikTok, and that's why we haven't done another one.
Winter: I'm trying to get Tru [Valentino] and Richard on. But I'm glad you're enjoying my alter-ego.
I would ask who is better at TikTok, but I think Eric is in the lead right now.
[Winter laughs maniacally.]
O'Neil: He is in the lead because he's just using everybody!
Winter: Did you see my latest one? Did you see my jail one?
Yes!
Winter: I'm actually proud of the jail one. I came up with the jail one myself. I found this [audio], and I was like, "I think I'm gonna do this, and it would be really funny with Alyssa because we're like besties on the show, and then she's telling me to calm down." I'm actually not just doing them. Sometimes, there's a thought process to what I'm putting out there. [Laughs.]
The Rookie Season 6 premieres Tuesday, Feb. 20 at 9/8c on ABC. Episodes stream the next day on Hulu.
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askfallenroyalty · 1 year
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my thoughts on finishing AFR (tumblr version)
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Firstly, thank you all so, so so much for reading.
5 years ago, on February 19th, 2018, 2:24 PM I posted the first AFR comic. I drew it thinking it'd be a nice little project for a few months, and then I'd move on. Little did I know it'd become a huge passion project and something that's brought me many, many tears and laughter. It's been a journey making this thing, I can easily say I am hardly the person I am when I first made this. I've learned so much about myself, the world, and what I wanted to say in comics.
AFR didn't become a serious project until I realized Asriel and Chara's story hit home to me and I realized I had something more profound to say than just "heehee silly ut comic where siblings squabble." Now it's become a story about growing up, and the life after the "happy ever after." What does it mean for "everybody to live?" well, you live. You suffer. You cry and laugh and it's everything you want and you fear. You wake up another day.
It's no secret that Chara and Asriel are heavily based on myself. Every OC and every character I can put my grubby little hands on have been influenced by me. Yun's excitement for monsters, Mew Mew's loud declarations of frenzied thought, Hol's quiet, head-in-the-clouds nature... the list goes on. Knowing the characters now, I'm excited for the redraw as I can paint their stories from start-to-finish properly. It pains me more than anything I can't just say "here's a finished product, fully and forever." But one step to getting there was finally finishing the tumblr version. So even if I were to die, or lose my ability to draw, I can say: I told my story. I made it real. It's messy, incomplete, and not at all what I aspire it to be, but it's here. And that means, so, so much to me.
Never again will I be accepting story asks. Never again will we see what crazy thing Asriel and Chara are up to in their journey into adulthood. While the story will continue to develop, it has it's ending.
I've grown, a lot. I started this when I was 21 years old. I've had a on/off relationship, I've learned I'm neurodivergent, I've moved out of my abusive dad's home. I've had so many jobs in that time. I lived through the pandemic (not that it's over) and I've made and lost (out of touch) friends along the way. I am Sam. I drew AFR. I still have so much left to do to make it fully realized but I did it.
And in that time people have offered me grammar and spelling corrections. Advice, suggestions, fanart. You've sent like, I can only imagine to be at least a thousand asks in this amount of time. You guys have been a huge part in this comic being made. Even as the story moves more and more away from the "Ask" part of the title, you guys made it so much more fun, thought provoking, and exciting.
So while my minds a bit scattered and I'm kinda jumbled up, I just want to say with every bit of myself: THANK YOU!!!!!
I understand if many of you don't choose to stick around for the redraw, I'm more than thankful to anyone who's read this far (or heck, just one tumblr post is enough. I feel seen.) and if you so choose to stay, I look forward to sharing a million more little moments with you. ^_^
Thank you and I wish you the very best, have a good life. Peace and love on the planet earth <3
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callmewrinkles3 · 1 year
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Come Back, Be Here - DR3 x Fem!OC
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Masterlist
Summary: One race until the end of the season, and one race until Dan gets to go home for New Years and six weeks of family time. But he and Emmy are facing their longest separation since 2018, and neither of them are facing the truth of what it means.
Words: 7.2k
Warnings: Abu Dhabi 2021, angst (it’s this series what do you expect), explicit smut (18+ only pls!), mentions of breaking laws in Middle Eastern countries.
AN: We had to share something for the DannyRic GP, and why not the moment that started the downward spiral for these two? We are aware that they probably wouldn’t get in trouble for being physically affectionate in public, but Em sticks to the rules and is a worst case scenario person so here we are. We hope you enjoy! Alex and Cíara xx
December, 2021
This leg of the race calendar was punishing. It didn’t give you a moment to breathe, three double headers in a row. And hardest of all for Dan, the last three races were in the Middle East.
He’d learned more about the human rights side of things, but he’d never consider himself well educated on it. He’d talked to other drivers, looked online, all of that. But on a purely selfish level Middle Eastern races meant that he and Em were back to their old pattern of separate hotel rooms, one of them slipping out of the others at the crack of dawn so they weren’t caught sharing. It was stupid and illogical and he missed the feeling of getting to wake up slowly with her half sprawled across him, of soft kisses and slow sex to get ready for the day.
Instead it was mumbled goodbyes and kisses on her forehead. Qatar wasn’t too bad, they finished the race and got to head back to Europe. He spent more time on the sim, trying to get to grips with how the car reacted and bring back some of the magic from Monza. And then he’d go home and open up the door of that little flat to see Em on the couch still working away, or she’d arrive in just after him from Blake’s with a smile and a “I was asked to remind you the walls are thin, please don’t make me scream tonight again.” She always blushed and he grinned, kissing it away and wrapping her in a hug to put aside the mixed feelings he had about McLaren. 
But they were in Saudi Arabia and he fucking hated it here. He hated that for the next two months he couldn’t hold Em’s hand. He couldn’t wake up beside her in bed. That he’d get on the plane to Perth and she’d be left behind because she was going back to London and he didn’t want to do it.
Originally how late the calendar ran because of covid was perfect. They would arrive into Perth just as the major restrictions would be lifted, the hotel was booked for two weeks, they’d be home just after Christmas. It would work. And then the rules changed and it was citizens and spouses of citizens only and there was no way around it. They were in Austin when they got the news, cancelling the flight for Em with tears.
It was just after the race in Saudi, sitting in his driver room and wanting to head back to the hotel when Michael walked in. Everything was ready and he stood, but one look from Michael made him sit and stay quiet.
“Are you gonna ask Em to marry you so she can come home with us?”
He thought he was about to laugh at the question, but Michael’s face was sincere. 
“Mate, no. God I wish I could. But no. I have a plan, and her thinking that I’m only asking her so she can come is not in it. I wouldn’t do that to her.”
“You have a plan? Shouldn’t you at least go on a couple of dates? Have dinner out like a couple? Work out if it’s what’s gonna happen?”
He could see the surprise on his best mate’s face, watching as Dan took a deep breath and stretched out his back. He’d had the plan since the four of them were in lockdown together on the farm, when Em got off the wooden lounger she was sharing with him to get four more beers. He sat there, took the last gulp out of his bottle, and said “I’m going to marry her some day. Emmy’s the one. She’s it.”
Emmy had come back and curled on his chest again before they could say anything else, sitting there in the cooling night air while he ran his hand up and down her arm. It was perfect and he knew that was it, she was the one. The ring was sitting in his bag waiting for the right moment.
“Mate I know it will. We live together. We do dates when we have our Italy trips, and she still hasn’t forgotten I owe her for Lake Como last year because I won Monza instead. We don’t need dates.”
“Just take her on one. Mate, seriously, take her out. Do it properly.” The insistence was weird, it was never how Mike usually was. In fairness he and Blake usually stayed out of whatever he and Emmy were doing, unless it interrupted Blake’s sleep and he got an angry text. They’d gotten a lot better at not doing that though.
“Did she tell you something? Why are you making a big deal about this? I know what I’m doing.”
“She hasn’t said anything, but just…I see the way the two of you look at each other. You’re not gonna see her for six weeks, and I’m pretty sure the last time the two of you went that long without seeing each other was that gap between her coming to Monaco and whatever the race she went to after in 2018.  Take your girl on a date and make sure she’s your girl.”
“I fucking can’t!” He was louder than he meant to be, opening and closing his hand and standing up. The fucking “cultural norms” and rules that meant they couldn’t do it. If they were just tourists then yeah, maybe. But there’d be cameras and people would see and he wouldn’t put it past a government to make an example of them.
“Why not? It’s easy. “Hey Em I’m in love with you and have been probably since I brought you to Perth for the first time, lets go for dinner before we spend six weeks apart.” That’s all you have to say. She’ll say yes.”
“Because we’re in the Middle fucking East. I’m not even supposed to get in a car with her, let alone be in public with her alone. And it’s pretty public that we’re not married so we can’t risk it. And don’t remind me that it’s gonna be fifty one days without her. That’s how long it’ll be till I see her once we get on that plane.”
“Dan…” But he was on a roll, finally able to explain everything that had been so painful to think about.
“We break so many rules in so many countries just to be able to sit at each others sides. I can get in trouble for sitting by her side in the car, holding her hand. It’s my thing every single day to be with her in the car. It’s our thing to go on ride to get to be alone for a minute before the rest of the world gets me. I can’t even stay in the same room as her if there isn’t someone there. I’m not supposed to go to bed hugging the girl of my dreams. Do you know the risk that I take every single time I sneak out of her room? The danger she’s in? There’s literal fucking morality police here. And every night we decide fuck it, it’s worth it and I just hug her tighter because it could turn into a living nightmare for her. So please. Don’t ask me “why not” like it’s some simple question because it’s not. There’s nothing I want more than that.”
It was quiet as Dan took a breath, the reminders of last year and the way they worried as he got back into the car after watching Romain escape the flames hit him again.
“Remember Bahrain last year? The way I hid in my drivers room with her?” Michael nodded. “That could have gotten us arrested for just being alone together and all that happened was she held onto me and stopped me from wanting to scream. The fact that we’re here so we have to do this? We have to pretend that it’s ok not to even get to hug each other? I’d kill for a podium, or even imagine a win, but then she couldn’t hug me. It’s backwards and it’s fucked and yeah I’m rich and white so we’d probably be fine but it’s not worth the risk. We do it anyway. Because we have to.”
“Mate. I’m sorry.”
“Just please. I have a plan. When we move into the new place I’m gonna talk to her about admitting everything. And next time she’s able to come to the farm I’m gonna propose. I’ve had the ring for a year. A little longer isn’t going to hurt.”
“As long as you know what you’re doing. I trust you, but don’t hurt her. Don’t hurt yourself.”
“I won’t. We’ll be good. She knows me better than I know myself.”
They nodded at each other and left the room, Blake and Em standing outside the hospitality with a few feet between them. Instead the four walked out to a car available for them to go back to the hotel. Ten days till the flight to Perth. He had to make the most of them.
Once they arrived in Abu Dhabi Em was counting down. They got in on Monday ahead of most of the rest of McLaren, checking into the hotel and getting their rooms. She had the emails and went to the counter, getting the keys and pointing out the boys across the lobby and the ridiculous amount of luggage they all travelled with. Travelling light was not a thing Formula One did.
The four envelopes were slid over, Em taking them and checking the keys. The little printed labels with their names were the same as in nearly any other Hilton, but seeing Dan’s on his own and hers on her own made her so frustrated.
She knew she’d been putting off thinking about the flight home after the race. Until they got to the airport she could pretend they were getting on the same plane, holding hands over the little divider like they did so often, curling up in bed and look at new apartments. They had months left on their self imposed timeline of the summer break, her lease was month to month, but they wanted this. A place that was theirs felt right for once.
“You ok?” Dan asked when Blake and Michael had gone up to their rooms. They were sitting on opposite sides of a coffee table, each fiddling with the envelope in their hands. The evening was a free one before the chaos of the final race of the season began. Both titles coming down to one race? It wasn’t going to be pretty.
“Yeah. Just…yeah.”
“It sucks.”
“It really sucks.” She smiled wistfully, trying to get herself together. They still had time. They weren’t leaving till Tuesday night, Lando agreeing to do the final day of tyre testing so Dan could make it home. The offer was there for Em to fly home early, as if that would happen. She hadn’t let them book her on an earlier flight to London. It wasn’t worth having a little less time with her boys.
“I just hate being apart. I hate not getting to share a room with you. Not even getting to give you a hug in public. I know it’s stupid, but this week?”
“It’s not forever.” Dan sounded different and she looked up at him, watching him search for his words. “After we move, y’know? Next year. We find the apartment and we move in and then we can figure out the rest.”
“That sounds really good.”
Their rooms were at least on the same floor, and she handed Dan the spare card for her room, watching him grin as she did. She went in and did her usual unpacking routine - toiletries in the bathroom, her planned clothes for the circuit hanging up neatly, checking the locks worked and the mirrors were real after one too many TikTok’s that terrified her. Her final step was putting her pillow on the bed, the habit Michael had made her pick up after one too many complaints about her awful sleeping habits. It didn’t particularly help, but she did it anyway.
They’d gotten in late, but there was only a one hour time difference. The room service menu looked good, a lamb kofta and lemon tart for dinner. The food arrived not long after she ordered and she settled at the desk to eat.
Three minutes later there was a knock at the door and it opened, Dan coming in with his own plate. A kiss to her head before he sat down with his steak, Em watching as he cut in and smiled at how it was cut.
“You’re a simple boy, eh Dimples?” She asked, enjoying how the first nickname she gave him that drunken night had stuck.
“I’ve got you and a steak, what else could I possibly want Emmy?”
“You know you don’t need to charm me, right?” He held out a forkful of peppers for her, in return she gave him some fries. 
“But if I want to?”
“Then by all means, but don’t expect magic. I didn’t bring anything fancy considering what customs here is like.” The last time she’d brought anything involving what she considered her nice underwear was in 2019 when her luggage had been searched. She wasn’t doing that again.
They ate in mostly silence, Dan leaving only to put his room service cart outside his door and hang the do not disturb sign on it. Once he was back they got ready for bed, another episode of Criminal Minds on TV as they cuddled and got comfy. Em couldn’t tell you what happened, instead lulled to sleep by Dan’s fingers in her hair and a kiss against her forehead every few minutes.
The next few days passed, and she could see the seething rivalry between Red Bull and Mercedes was going to spill over. Thing were tense in the paddock, she’d never felt an atmosphere like it. Her first two years were a party mode, people glad a season was over, relaxing and looking forward to the break. Last year was covid and weird. But this felt strange.
She was sitting having coffee with Britta on Thursday morning before media really kicked off and asked her the magic question.
“Has a final race been like this before? It feels…weird.” The other woman laughed, checking her watch and taking a sip before answering.
“2016. 2012 a little, but we won so I kind of forget it. Things didn’t feel as poisonous then. Everyone knew unless Sebastian didn’t finish he’d probably win, so that was the aim. But 2016 was rough, and we weren’t near Mercedes then. It’s going to be interesting.”
“Definitely.” She wanted to see Dan at the top of the standings, wanted to see him race and race well. But this felt weird. She’d known Max just out of his teens, focused and sure and cocky. Lewis had become a friend. It was weird calling him that, but it was how things were.
Seeing Dan finish out of the points wasn’t great, but it was over and the season was done. The safety car finish that wasn’t a safety car finish, the way it all ended up left a weird taste in her mouth. Em had no loyalty to any team despite the friendships she’d made with people across both of them. Splitting the trophies felt just. But it was still strange. That night they all went to a party held by someone, drinking and dancing. In the rented out room it felt safe to be near Dan, but as soon as they were leaving for the hotel it was that gap between them. Into the provided car and through the lobby and up to her room, Dan stepping in behind her and pinning her against the wall. The sex was fierce and frantic and desperate, both of them putting everything they had into it. Dan rubbing against her, filthy words falling out of his mouth about how she looked, how she felt, how good she was as she begged him for more and more until they were seeing stars and clutched together.
Monday was promo. Em sat at the side of the garage with her iPad, already slotting in dates for the following season. Her earplugs were carefully in her ears as she watched the filming happen, content for the off season between Lando and Dan. It was exhausting, but the season was over. So many flights and hotels and this and that and the other. They’d done the maths and realised they spent more time in hotels than their bedroom during the season. She wanted to go home.
But she didn’t. She didn’t want to be in the cold London apartment alone. She didn’t want to sit on their couch and hit her leg off the coffee table Dan hated. She didn’t want to put his helmet on the shelf alone. They had a ceremony for it, Dan’s arms around her as she slid it into its new home. But their time together was ticking away shorter and shorter and she didn’t want to think about it. So she pulled up the latest apartment listings he’d sent to see if any of them suited. And then frowned when she realised he was looking in his rental bracket, not hers.
“Penny for them?” Blake asked, slipping into the chair across from her. She made herself smile up, hitting the lock button on the iPad and closing the case.
“Not a lot. Looking at apartments, wondering what the hell Danny is thinking of with some of them. I told him my budget.”
“And you know Dan. He wants the perfect place. You two doing ok?”
“There’s no us two, Blake.” Her words were short but she’d had enough of everyone saying they were together.
“Tamothy you’re either being wilfully or deliberately blind. He worships the ground you walk on. You’re moving in together. I live beside you, I hear too much.”
“We’re moving into a two bedroom.” She took a breath before continuing, letting that sink in. “Dan and I are…we are complicated and messy but he is my best friend. He knows me better than anybody else does. And whatever is going on with us is between us. You know I love you, you know you’re my brother, but you have to let this be between us. Ok?” 
She took a sip of the iced tea beside her, stretching out her shoulders and arms the way Michael had instructed her to every half hour she was typing away. Blake looked like he was going to say something but Dan arrived over, grinning and wearing yet another OKX shirt.
“Did you take a look at the listings? I really like the SE1 one, it’s got balcony views over the Thames. If you can view when you’re back we can do the deposit?” He took her bottle and half emptied it, handing it back to Em who took another sip before looking up at him.
“I saw, except it’s five times the budget we said. Dan, seriously.”
“Emmy we can afford it. If we decide to do a budget by income like we should it’s me covering most of the expenses. Have a look at it?” He tried widening his eyes but she was immune from them. Mostly.
“No. We’re looking in the price range you and I set. Then if we can’t find anything that suits we’ll go higher. Understood?” He nodded. “This shoot is only supposed to be another twenty minutes, how’s it going?”
“My part’s nearly done. What’s next?”
“You get a full thirty minutes for lunch if you’re on time. Then it’s a couple of Android ads. I got them to give Blake a Pixel phone and tablet so you can look like you use them all the time instead of being the Apple geek we know you are. Once that’s done it’s a Gulf Oil pre-tape, a couple of holiday messages to record - Christmas, New Years, Lunar New Year because that’s before you’re back from Australia - and then you’re mostly done for the day. Apart from the Pirelli test meeting at five. That’s just going over the tires for tomorrow, the aim, introduce you to how the mule cars will work. That kind of thing.”
“You are my calendar countess, thank you Emmy! Going back to work now, are you both getting lunch then?”
“I’ll drag her from her desk!” Dan grinned at Blake’s response before jogging back. Once he was gone Blake stared at Em with wide eyes. “You drank from your bottle.”
“And?” She waved her hand at the papaya insulated metal bottle she carried with her everywhere. Water usually, but in hotter places it was iced tea with ice cubes carefully prodded through the lid. Everyone regularly in the garages had one.
“You never do that. I saw you nearly slap Michaels hand away for doing it. But you let Dan who was sweaty from being under huge lights all morning drink out of it and you drank out of it straight away.”
“So? It’s not a big deal.” It wasn’t. She was sanitary, that was all. Dan’s tongue was in her mouth most days, it wasn’t a big deal to share a water bottle. She forced Blake’s words out of her mouth as she started planning the 2022 Ric3 release schedule, only interrupted by going for lunch before spending the rest of her day on it. That night she didn’t do her usual day before checkout routine, instead curling up in bed with Dan for a lazy make out session before they went to sleep.
The next morning Em stopped packing and looked up at Daniel, watching him pace around the hotel room that he hadn’t left that morning, needing the extra time with her. He was more anxious than usual before getting in the car.
“Hey, hey, look at me.” She pulled his chin down so he stared at her before getting on her tiptoes to press a kiss to his lips. “You’re going to be fine. I promise.”
“I just wish you were going to be in Perth with us. The kids miss you and want to see you, Mum and Dad keep bugging me that I have to be able to do something to get you in. We could do Melbourne or Sydney and spend it—“
“And you’d spend it away from your family when the entire reason you’re going back to Oz and spending fifteen days in a very small hotel room with Mikey is to see them. It sucks. It completely sucks that we’re going to be apart for two months. It sucks that we’re not spending Christmas together when we’ve spent almost every day of the last two years together. But you need to see them.” She couldn’t help the tears falling at her words, the realisation that she had to spend so much time away from her boys hitting her. They’d been her entire life, but they needed to see the other people who loved them even though she couldn’t go. She and Dan had poured over the regulations but had come to the same conclusion. She wasn’t Australian, she wasn’t married to an Australian, so she couldn’t enter Western Australia. None of Dan’s connections could get the restrictions lifted, even though she’d asked him not to try. He still had because of course he had.
“Emmy, don’t cry.” He sat on the bed and pulled her close, cradling her the same way they’d curl up on a jet together. Mike would be at the door any minute telling him to get his ass downstairs, testing was starting soon, but he didn’t care. She came first.
“I’m sorry. I just…ugh. I want to be there. I miss everyone. I want my big hug from everyone and the reminder to eat up because we don’t settle down in one place enough. I want to spend a day cooking with Grace and Michelle and getting shown the recipes she doesn’t trust you with. It’s just not fucking fair.” Dan’s hand ran through her hair, pushing kisses to her forehead as he soothed her. Seven fucking weeks. Fifty one days. It was the longest they’d spent apart since she’d gone to Barcelona in 2018.
“None of this is fair. I’ll come back to London, we can spend Christmas in the flat and start looking for our new place. I don’t want you alone for it or having to get the train to Liverpool.”
“You’re going to Perth. You already paid the stupid amount of money for hotel quarantine, we both know you don’t have a choice. I’ll be fine.”
She nearly convinced herself as she got off his lap the moment before Mike came into their room, wiping her eyes and picking up her tablet before joining them in the car. Blake had told her to take the day off, but there was already dates for sponsor videos and the next car launch, and some stupid OKX campaign involving Dan as a magician that she thought was ridiculous but she’d seen how much money they were personally paying him so it had to happen. While Dan drove laps around Yas Marina to put the season that had the highest highs and the lowest lows behind them she worked, tapping away at the keyboard with more force than she intended.
“What did the poor machine do to you?” She turned at the American accent, Zak Brown standing behind her looking her up and down. Emmy shook her head and put her press smile on.
“Decided to push more things onto a schedule than there’s hours in the day. What can I do for you, Mr Brown?” The older man’s expression was smarmy and she dreaded what he was about to say.
“We need Daniel to drive tom—“
“No.”
“You didn’t let me finish.”
“You want Daniel to drive tomorrow morning instead of doing the full run today. That’s not going to work. He’s booked on a flight to Perth at three in the morning and is booked into his hotel quarantine for when he arrives in Australia. This is non negotiable.” She wasn’t afraid to stand up to Brown anymore, not after the rumour Carmen had slipped her he’d spread.
“Lando can’t drive in the morning, he’s booked on a flight then.”
“I don’t care.” She stared at him, taking a breath before speaking. “Lando’s family is in England and he was able to spend most of 2020 and basically all of 2021 with them. They were able to be at races with him. Dan hasn’t seen his family since April last year apart from FaceTime, and thanks to the season running so late this year he’s already missing Christmas and Boxing Day with them. He’s not delaying seeing them by extra time. Plus, there’s flights to London nearly every hour, Lando can get any one of them. Dan’s flight isn’t changing. Don’t ask again.”
“And if I ask him to?” She hadn’t realised the car had pulled back into the garage, Dan making a beeline for his manager’s assistant and the CEO speaking in harsh whispers at the back of the garage.
“If you ask me to what?” He swallowed part of the protein smoothie Mike had handed him while waiting for Zak to speak.
“I was telling your little assistant here that Lando needs to go back to London tonight to see family, so I need you to do tomorrow morning’s testing session. She told me you wouldn’t do it, but I know you will, right?” Emmy looked at Dan, dreading his response
“I can’t. I’ve organised hotel quarantine with the WA government, I’ve paid for it. If I’m not on that flight then I miss my quarantine spot and there’s no guarantee I’ll get another one. Lando told me yesterday afternoon he was fine about it, he had plans to spend Thursday golfing in Dubai before flying home. If Emmy says something about my schedule then that’s my schedule, she’s the one who keeps all that.”
They were a united front, and she could feel the heat radiating from his sweaty race suit just behind her. Instead of leaning back like she wanted she stayed still to watch Brown take in Dan’s words.
“Ok. We’ll make it work. Dan, Emmy.” He turned to walk away, but Emmy stopped him.
“Mr Brown?”
“Yes?”
“It’s Emma, if you don’t mind. Only certain people call me Emmy, I’d like to keep it that way.”
They watched him walk out of the garage towards hospitality and it took Dan less than five seconds to grab her hand and pull her back to his drivers room.
“Dan?” She asked once he’d closed the door, pushing her against it.
“That was fucking hot. Making sure I get to go? Standing up to him? Not letting him call you the name I gave you? Hot as hell.”
His lips dropped to her neck, tracing the length of the silver chain she always wore until he reached the number three on it. It was her birthday present from 2018, given to her during the summer break. Just weeks after they’d decided to be friends who slept together. 
She hated the word friends. 
“You have to eat. And drive. We can’t right now.”
“At the hotel? I want to say goodbye to you properly. Two months is too long.”
“I know, Babe. I know.”
She pressed open mouthed kisses to his jaw before pushing him slightly, pulling her ipad to her as she perched on the little desk before Mike arrived back. They were the picture of professionalism, apart from Dan’s pinkie running up and down her thigh.
When he was back in the car she had her last meeting with Michael, the two of them running through the final plans for the online platform over the winter, the pre recorded information ready to go.
“You doing ok?” Michael asked and she nodded, trying to smile. “Really?”
“I will be. It’s just gonna be weird spending time without the three of you. Dan and I haven’t been apart since we were all in lockdown.”
“Any news about you and Dan?”
“Gossiping, much?!” She tried laughing, not letting her worries show. “He’s my guy, he’s my best friend. Whatever the media or anyone says doesn’t matter. Danny knows more about me than anyone else.”
“You know we’re on your side.”
There was nothing else she could say to that. Fortunately Dan appeared out of the car, changed but unshowered.
“Winter break, here we come! I’m thinking hotel to nap, and then we can get food before we change and head to the airport? Book the restaurant for eight thirty?” Dan’s curls were wild and he still had the balaclava marks on his cheeks that Em loved to kiss off his face. Instead she stood up, adjusting the bright orange shirt as she picked up the last few things she had.
“Yeah, works for us. Make sure we’re all packed up so we can just grab them and go straight to the airport. Who’s driving? Emmy?”
“Nah, not tonight. I’m too tired, and considering the way things are around here a woman driving a car full of men?” She smiled, Blake and Mike realising the excuse she wasn’t saying.
“I’ll drive. Be fine. Let’s head back.” Blake shepherded them out, everyone saying goodbye to the team they’d worked with for the year. Em checked her watch, eleven hours until she’d have said goodbye to her boys for two months, and she wasn’t ready. 
The drive back to the Hilton was quick. Mike took the passenger seat without asking leaving her and Dan holding hands in the back. When they were in the garage they waved goodbye, everyone going to their room and agreeing to meet later for dinner. Once the door to their room was closed Dan pulled her close, his hands half lifting her as her legs wrapped around his waist when she jumped.
“Dan,” Em groaned, holding onto his shoulders.
“Ive got you baby girl, I’ve got you. I promise I’ve got you.” His lips moved further down her neck as he pulled the team shirt off her body to reveal a new pink bra. “For me?”
“Wanted to look pretty for you, give you something to remember.”
“You say that like I could ever forget you.” 
She was lost in the sensations, both of them shuffling clothing off in a desperate attempt to be closer. Dan’s fingers slid through the matching underwear, long digits brushing through the wet folds.
“Dan I need more. Please?” Her hips bucked up and he laid her on one of the beds in the room, hovering over her.
“I’ve got you, Emmy. I’ve always got you.” Dan’s brown eyes were clear, the depths of emotion starting. She gasped as he entered her fully, filling her to the hilt in that way she knew so, so well. Every single time they slept together it felt right, Dan stretching her perfectly. She rolled her hips and smirked at the groan he let out, taking the hint to move.
Never ask Emmy what he did in those moments, the way he moved and brought her to her first orgasm, and then her second. They were chasing their highs together, lips clashing and his thumb rubbing circles around her clit just above where she was so gloriously full.
“Let me feel you, Emmy. So perfect right like that, let me feel how good you feel.”
“Danny…Danny please babe, just there please.” She couldn’t tell who came first, the two of them hitting their climax at nearly the same time. 
The last thing she wanted was for him to pull out and move, to remind her that their time together was getting shorter and shorter and they’d have to say goodbye soon. Dan seemed the same way, pushing kisses to her chest before being forced to move. Getting cleaned up after sex was easy for them now, but instead he lifted her up and carried her into the bathroom, ignoring Emmy’s complaints.
“Dan! Put me down! PUT ME DOWN!! What are you doing?!” She called, trying to wriggle out of his tight grip.
“Bath. If we don’t get one for a while I want a proper one. We don’t have wine, but we can relax for a little while. Please?” She could never say no to his big brown eyes, reaching up to kiss his cheek.
“Sounds perfect.”
The tub in the suite was large enough for both of them, Em leaning back into his arms in the hot water. Every so often she felt Dan push a kiss to her head, smiling at the movement. 
“Are you going home for Christmas?” He asked and she fought but failed to stop her body going stiff. “Shit, sorry.”
“It’s fine. London’s as much home as anywhere else, either there or Monaco or Perth. But no, I’m staying away from Liverpool. I didn’t even get a text asking what I was doing for it this year.” The realisation that she hadn’t gotten anything after her happy birthday text in August hurt a little, but she just relaxed into Dan again.
“I’m sorry. It’s not fair.”
“None of it is, but it’ll be fine. I’ll curl up, take care of Blake’s plants, get your schedule for the start of next year done. Who knows, I might use some of the ridiculous salary you pay me and take a holiday. Chloe said she and Scotty are spending New Years in Switzerland. She doesn’t want me to be lonely.”
“They’re good friends. You should go. Don’t spend it all alone in the flat without me. I might look up some places for us? I’ll find some that are in your price range, I promise.” She leaned back against him to relax before she replied.
“That’s the plan Roomie.” The moving in talk gutted her every time he brought it up. As friends. Friends who slept together and were intimate together and who loved each other so much it hurt to be separated.
“I’ll see what I can find. Somewhere with lots of light and a balcony I think.”
“Sounds perfect.”
She could have fallen asleep there but the alarm she’d set went off, making her stand up as Dan ran his fingers down her legs.
“Emmy…”
“No, Danny. We need to get ready. Once we leave here you know what the rules are.” The stupid unmarried couple UAE rules. The reason she insisted she stood between Blake and Mike for most of the time they were outside, because if she and Danny were beside each other holding hands was the least they usually did.
“You know, right?” His voice was plaintive, Em dropping a kiss to the top of his head.
“I know. I know you do but y’know, right?”
A squeeze of her hand was the only response.
Dinner was fun, the four of them at the table, laughing and joking. The time of year and what was about to happen was strictly off limits for discussion, as was the safety car that had fucked up Dan’s chance of points in the last race. Instead they talked about watching other teams do tyre testing, Kimi’s retirement party that the guest of honour had left after twenty minutes, the way teams had shaped up for the next season. 
“Yeah I’m surprised Haas kept Mazepin, but I guess money talks.” Blake gestured with his fork as he spoke, Em rolling her eyes.
“Just keep him away from me next year, ok? I…yeah. The rumours are bad enough. He creeps me out.”
“Did he do anything?” Dan put his cutlery down and looked at her, Em shaking her head immediately.
“He didn’t get the chance. But he knows exactly where to go to find certain people, he knows what to do. Nothing I can report and say is inappropriate, but enough that I can tell he knows he’s crossing the line. It fucking sucks. And I can’t prove it but he was spreading the worst of the rumours over the summer.” She twirled spaghetti around her fork, eating it before she could say anything else. Spending time with Mick trying to badly teach her German generally meant Mazepin was around and she hated that.
“If anything happens.” An eyebrow raise told her the rest.
“I know what to do.” She took the chance to run her foot along his calf, making sure he could feel how calm she was. She wasn’t ruining the last part of her day with her boys with crap.
The drive to the airport was fine. Two cars had been ordered because of the law that she wasn’t supposed to be in a car with any of the boys, but instead of her slipping into one of the SUVs alone Dan got in opposite her. The driver was discrete and kept quiet, Em and Dan holding hands for the entire drive to Dubai. The hour passed too quickly, and they arrived ready to go in the dark night.
Check in and security was quick, Em picking up a few things in the duty free shopping. Once they were ready the four of them went to the Emirates lounge, settling into a corner. Mike and Blake took the outer seats so she and Dan could be beside each other, a glass of champagne for everyone on the low table between them.
She couldn’t stop the tears from flowing now, the clock past midnight and the realisation she was saying goodbye to them. Her fingers were linked with Dan’s and they were silent, three occasional squeezes the only form of communication between them. She could tell when Blake and Mike noticed what was happening, their nudges between each other. Em held her breath, but then Dan realised what was happening and pulled her in.
“We can’t,” Em gasped out, worried about what would happen if anyone saw.
“I don’t care. Emmy, you need some comfort. This isn’t…fuck. Fuck it all. I’m done. I’m going up and changing my flight, I’m going to London. How the hell am I supposed to leave you like this? I don’t want you to be alone.”
“You can’t.”
“Watch me.”
“Danny, you can’t.” She looked up at him and made him stare at her, fixing his gaze with her own. “You haven’t seen your family in more than eighteen months. You’ve got your hotel quarantine ready to go. They’re holding Christmas dinner until you’re out of quarantine and can see them all. You have to go.”
“I don’t want you to be alone.” He squeezed her hand three times but she could see his resolve breaking. 
“I’ll be ok. We’ll FaceTime every couple of days. But look here.” She lit her phone screen, showing him the photo of her, Isaac, and Isabella from Christmas 2019 when the kids were so much smaller and a pandemic was barely a thought. “Those kids are so excited to see their uncle Dan again. You have a full suitcase of presents waiting to be loaded. Grace is dying to hug her boy and she and Joe just want to congratulate you for Monza. You have to go.”
When Dan pulled her into a hug she knew she’d won, and the two of them stayed curled up in a chair like that together. Mike and Blake moved chairs so nobody could see them as a just in case, but Dan held her and Em breathed in his scent deeply. Fifty one days. She could do this. 
“Passengers for Emirates flight EK 420 to Perth, First Class is boarding shortly. Please proceed to the boarding gate for transport to your plane.”
She went to stand at the announcement but Dan didn’t let her go, squeezing her tight. 
“Another minute. Please?”
“Ok.”
They got another three before Blake shook Dan’s shoulder to get them to move. 
“Mate, we have to go. C’mon.”
Em forced an all too fake smile on her face as she hugged her boys, Michael holding her close for a moment. 
“Look after yourself,” she murmured, watching as he nodded seriously. 
“And I’ll look after him for you, Wiggle. I’ll email you those new video ideas and we can see what works?”
“Perfect.”
Hugging Blake was the same, arms wrapped around her as he pushed a kiss to the top of her head. 
“Wish you were coming back with us. If we could…”
“It’s not your fault. Blame Australia. Gonna miss you Blakey.”
“Miss you too Ems.”
Dan was the final one to grab her and she didn’t want to let go. He pushed the quickest kiss to her lips as he hugged her, Em wanting to deepen it but knowing she couldn’t. 
“I’ll change to the London flight. I’ll do it now.”
“And then your family will hate me. I’ll see you soon. You know, right?”
“I know. Y’know, right?”
She kissed his cheek before letting go, stepping back to give distance between them all. 
“Go get your flight. I’ll text when I land in London, please let me know when you get into Perth. Good luck with the quarantine.”
She waved as they walked away, tears streaming down her cheeks. Ever since they’d been locked down on the farm she’d spent every single day with at least Dan, if not Blake and Mike right there beside her. But now she was facing fifty one days alone and all Em could do until they announced her flight was cry.
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