#i was unhappy with the art so i rushed to do a good background ^_^ | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

a-smile-hides · 3 years

Text

A WARM CUP OF COFFEE - A.H.A.

Pairing: Alex x reader

Warnings: none, just ... not really - that great?

Sum: This was a request (thank you for that!) and I would like to apologize because it took so long and.. Yeah. The request:

"Hi 🥰 do you still take request for Alex Andersen? Something like the OC is alex teacher at university and they fall in love with each other but the age gap is a problem so she broke up with him but BOOM they really love each other!! With some fighting and fluffy 🤤🥲hahah sorry if its bad 🥰 thank you!"

A soft ‘thing’alerted the old man behind the desk, making him look up from today’s newspaper and push his glasses further back on his nose. The small café he owned was somewhat concealed from the busy streets, tucked away in between two large buildings. It created the perfect escape for the chaos of life. Oh, how he was proud to own this little palace. A simple, ‘back to basics’ coffee shop where people could enjoy a good cup of coffee. Where people could talk or just relax, or in your case, find some inspiration to prepare for a new class.

Returning his friendly smile, you easily manoeuvred between the mismatched tables and chairs until you reached the one next to a small window. As usual, a silver sign stood on the table reading ‘reserved’ in a beautiful font. And as usual, you plopped down on the chair that gave you a look out on the street, sliding the sign to the end of the table so that it could be picked up by one of the staff members. Throwing a notebook and different prints out on the table, you breathed in deeply.

It had been a long day already... And it was like... what? – 11 a.m.?

“There you go, honey.”

Without even looking up you already knew who stood next to your side, presenting a large cup of coffee with one of those delicious self-made biscuits.

“Jer, I can’t thank you enough”.

The man laughed, seemingly pleased with himself after seeing the frown on your eyebrows clear up for a second. He waved your gratitude off and returned to his kitchen.

He had grown used to your visits over time. It wasn’t hard to miss you, sitting stressed in the corner of his little café, browsing through pictures and notes trying to decide which was the best one.

It hurt him every time he saw a lost soul enter his little café, in a rush and completely lost to the world around them. In you, he saw one of those lost souls. Busy, busy, busy... Overloading themselves with work.

It seemed as today would bring no exception. And you once again would ignore the beauty and comfort his café hoped to give to its customers. Especially when he saw you fiddling with a large package, no doubt filled to the brim with new photos for a possible lecture, he knew you only came here to work even more. Sighing, the old man turned around, reaching towards the different treats and cakes his little shop offered. He knew you would be there for a while and figured that the need for sweets may come soon. In the background, he could hear the familiar sound of your papers falling onto the ground. Accompanied by some swear words, immediately followed by mumbled apologies. And he could not hold himself back as a laugh passed his lips. It became a routine really...

Still chuckling, he turned around and placed a large piece of cake on a plate, decorating it with an extra piece of dark chocolate. The sound of someone entering his café made him look up momentarily, greeting the young man who just entered with his signature smile. The young man returned his smile warmly, before letting his eyes wander over the place. He had clearly never been in here before. His eyes narrowed once he focused on something in the back of the café, furrowing his eyebrows in worry. Skilfully, he walked between the tables and chairs as if he had decorated the place himself. To a small table next to the big window, where you were still mumbling under your breath about how life seemed to hate your guts. And it made the young man chuckle. Loudly.

Freezing for a second, you immediately collected all the pictures that had fallen off the table, carelessly throwing them back on the table. Refusing to meet the eye of whoever found enjoyment in your clumsiness, you side stepped back to your table. Hoping and praying that they would just go away. But they stayed.

“It’s good to see you’re still as clumsy...”

It was a good thing you were leaning against the table, otherwise you would have been knocked to ground right now.

“Mister Anderssen.” You nodded your head.

The young man pressed his lips together in a tight smile at the greeting, feeling a sting in his heart that he believed to have been long gone by now.

The long silence that followed felt dense and awkward. He was trying to make eye contact, his lips were turned up in a little, comforting smile. He did not know what to say or feel as he looked at how your body seemed to turn away from him. Your arms were wrapped around your middle, your eyes glued to the pictures on the table without truly looking at them. And then, his gaze fell on the smallest amongst them. He could recognize that gloomy setting from anywhere. His heart jumped, he felt overjoyed and the smile on his face grew larger.

“You kept it?” He breathed out, making it sound more like a question.

Slowly, he crouched down, careful not to make you run away. As he took the card from under one of the chairs, brushing some dust of it. Looking up, he waved with the picture he once offered you to use in your classes.

Nodding to himself, he kept his eyes locked with yours as he slowly came up. “You kept it.”

“I did” You spoke out softly.

***

“Fuck”

The curse had left your mouth before you could hold it back, as you watch yet another one of your cards fall on the ground.

It was good that none of your students had the habit of arriving in time for your class. Choosing to rather arrive just in time for the lecture to begin instead of showing some interest and being there before it began. Otherwise, they could enjoy this little comedy show as you desperately tried to stick those cards on a timeline.

You had never thought that one day, you would stand in front of class, as a teacher. Talking about something that had been a passion for so many years. Movies are a piece of art, a way to express and communicate. And now, you had the power to let others see that as well.

And even thought the path of being a teacher had crossed yours rather unexpectedly, it had made you happier than you’ve ever been.

And it had let you to some beautiful and interesting moments.

Looking down at the picture in your hands, a warm feeling overcame you, painting a very small smile on your face. It was a simple photo of a man standing alone in the street. The sky was pitch black; the only light provided by a single streetlight on the far right. The yellow light cast dark shadows on the ground. And on the left, almost completely hidden in the shadows, you could see the silhouette of another man. His back was turned to the man he had left behind under the streetlight. And thus, he missed how the other reached his hand out in a desperate attempt to call him back.

Every year you would collect pictures to show off how a simple setting can bring out different emotions to an audience. This scene would often bring feelings of sadness, grief, loss, misery and heartbreak to your students. Ironically, this scene brought you only a warm feeling. The beauty of the shot together with the memory of how you had come across this movie, cancelled out those unhappy emotions.

Completely lost in the moment, you almost jumped up when two hands sneaked around your hips.

“Morning”

His voice was raspy as he failed to conceal the chuckle that passed his lips.

“Morning, mister Anderssen”

He laughed, rubbing his nose in the crook of your neck. He found it almost amusing how you spoke so formerly to him now when at night...

“Mister?”

You rolled your eyes, fighting your way out of his grip. Without giving one look to the young man behind you, you picked up the card that fell out of your hands. Looking down at it again, you sighed and returned to your desk. The classroom needed to be ready before the students would arrive.

“I thought we made an agreement; you would not visit me this early to avoid suspicion, right?”

Alex smacked his lips, nodding his head slowly. He played with the straps of his backpack as his mind brought him back to that memory. It was around three weeks ago; you were collecting everything to go home after a long day when the young man suddenly sneaked in to share some ‘alone time’. Sadly enough, another student had forgotten her scarf that day and ran back to retrieve it. Even though you tried your hardest to not succumb to his advances, his willpower was way too strong. And the poor girl had almost walked in on you and him kissing. He had pushed his luck too far that time.

Still, if he could, he would not take that moment back. Every second spend with you was worth it.

“It’s nice to see you still like that picture...” He said, pointing to the card in an attempt to effort to change the subject. “After you told me what subjects we would discuss in the future, I immediately thought of that movie and-”

Alex’ voice died once your eyes met his. He was always the first to enter your classroom. In those moments you always could be yourselves. There was no reason to hold back. In that way, these few minutes of privacy would always be filled with love and jokes, stolen kisses and hugs. He couldn’t really recall the precise moment his dream came true, and you returned his affection. The way to earn it had been long and filled with obstacles. The boundaries that needed to be crossed were great. And it felt unlawful, disgusting, wrong... And still, so right.

Now, as he stood only a few feet away from you, it felt like a mile. Your eyes danced across the room, only meeting his for a mere second before quickly darting away again. Your hands brushed some imaginary dust of the picture, while you tried your hardest to breath normally. Little signs of how the nerves started to creep up.

“If you want other recommendations...” He tried, but again... The strength in his voice died before he even finished his sentence. Alex grew concerned as he watched you turn around and hung up the card. The whole thread portraying different scenery throughout film history over the last 50 years shook as you clumsily pined it next to a very bright photo, depicting two children running around at a fair.

Alex frowned when you still did not respond to him. Softly, he moved his hands to rest on your shoulders, trying to turn your body towards him. His head was lowered down a bit, a friendly look on his face as he shakily asked: “What’s on your mind?”. Hoping that whatever bothered you, he could help you solve it.

You didn’t need to see his face to know how his eyebrows were scrunched up with concern. Or how his mouth was slightly twisted as he pondered over who or what could have made you behave so coldly.

But the reason was crystal clear to you.

The adoration you had received from the man in front of you was overwhelming. These past months have been a dream. Almost indescribable. Just as all those sappy quotes on Pinterest say: some things just need to be felt. And this, this felt great.

It had been great.

Felt.

Had.

You bite your lip, feeling nervous all the sudden. Turning around, you tried your best to avoid his blue eyes. They were hypnotizing, demanding for a reason, an explanation.

“Mister Anderssen-” You started again.

“You know, we never did that kind of play, but I am open to anything.” He tried. His attempt to lighten the mood was only met with silence. A silence that felt deafening. And it made his stomach turn.

With his finger and thumb, he slowly lifted your chin up, forcing you to meet his eye. He was a bit taller than you, and he loved that. He used it to his advantage on every occasion he got.

“What’s on your mind?” He asked again.

You sighed, feeling it was better to speak the truth. “This.” You answered, “Us.”

Alex lifted one of his eyebrows, scratching the back of his neck. “Us? What's wrong with us?”

“You’re smart, Alex.” You answered. “Deep down, you know.”

Alex eyes widened. He was speechless, dumbfounded.

“I am a teacher, your teacher to be exact.”

“And you’ve been teaching me amazing things.” He snickered, wiggling his eyebrows.

You snorted, shaking your head. Until you remembered what you wanted to share with him, and your face went blank again. It was almost impossible to not give in, to hold back your laughter when he was around. But you had to.

“Alex.” You said, pushing him lightly away. “The age gap is way too big.”

His hands tightened their grip on your hips as he turned your body more towards him. His eyes narrowed. And although they still sparkled, the hurt he felt could not be hid. The time he could hold back secrets had long passed.

“What made you start doubting us?” He asked.

You sighed, looking down at the ground.

“What if I said... What if the doubt never left? What if it was a thought that always bugged me?”

That made him halter. His muscles stiffened for a second. A millisecond in which he let the guard down and his pain became visible. But just as quick as it fell, the wall was back up again. He stood upright, the hands on your hips now slowly making their way up towards your shoulders. The corner of his lips was pulled up, a fine grin that silently asked you to laugh or say it was just a joke. That it wasn’t the truth.

Alas, it was the truth.

The lingering thought that had been filling your mind with doubts and questions for a while now. Making you question yourself and your choices, but above all, the day on which you gave into his charm.

He was a young, handsome man filled with life and chances. He was almost at the end of the first big chapter in his life, ready to begin a new one, to step into an adventure. After this... Did he want to work somewhere? Move back in with his parents? Maybe he wanted to travel? See the world after being closed off from it after keeping his nose in his books all the time. He could explore, try to discover who he really was. And... Fall in love with someone else. Someone … more of… his age.

How could you hold him back from that?

His thumbs started to stroke small circles of comfort on your neck, while he kept on trying to make eye contact with you. With each passing second, he felt himself grow more uneasy and lost.

“Little one... Love.” Alex winced as he saw you flinch with each nickname that passed his lips. His voice pitched and he sounded in a rush, as he wanted to find a way to ease those doubts. “Y/N, what...?”

The corner of your lip twitched in a weak effort in making a smile appear on your face. It failed horribly, as you felt yourself get overwhelmed by guilt and sorrow. “We have to stop this now, Alex.” You managed to make out. “It’s done.”

In the back of the room, he could hear the slow ticking of the big silvery clock. It was only five minutes until the lecture would begin. Any time now, someone could enter the room and walk in on their teacher standing in a, what they would think, romantic embrace with her own student. It only made you more nervous and desperate to get out of his hold. To just say goodbye. To leave this all behind and start new.

Alex squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head widely. “The age gap is just a number, not even a high one. You want me as much as I want you, right?”

“I do- I- I did. And now, I am ending it.” You said, biting the inside of your cheek to stop the stinging feeling in your eyes. “I am letting you go.” you whispered, finally pushing his arms away.

Alex breathed in deeply, stepping forward as you took a step back. Again, and again, you shoved his hands away. He tried to make contact, to touch your arms, to hold your hands, but every time you slapped his hand away. And his heart broke as you kept on avoiding him. He grew frustrated.

“What do you want, Y/N? Since when are you afraid? So, what if they say something? We- We are the ones in love! They-”

“Alex! It’s done! I don’t want this anymore. I don't want- I-”

At this point, he felt the blood in his veins boiling. His heart clenched. His stomach turned. “So, we-this meant nothing to you?”

“That’s a low blow, Alex” You bit back.

“What do you want, Y/N?!”

“I don’t want this. I don’t want you anymore, Alex! This is done! Over!”

He scoffed, his fists clenched at his sides while his chest went up and down with every heavy breath.

“Over? Why are you acting like this? When have you turned into this scarred shell of-”

“I don’t care if you don’t see the problem. Someday you will. And you will understand I made the right call.”

The clearing of a throat ended the discussion sooner than Alex would have wanted. Another student had entered the classroom. Her eyes were wide open as she stared at her teacher and the class top student. Her mouth was slightly open as she tried to form a sentence, but no sound seemed to pass her lips.

You swallowed, quickly wiping a fallen tear off your cheek, stepping even further away from Alex, whose eyes were still glued to you.

“Good afternoon, miss Tuffin. Please take a seat.”

Alex slightly shook his head from side to side, unable to comprehend the situation.

“So, mister Anderssen. Now that you know your answer, please take a seat.” You said quietly, flinching as your voice cracked a bit. Your eyes did not meet his anymore, even though he was hoping you would look him in the eyes again. He knew deep down you did not mean one word of the things you had said. "Class will begin soon.”

***

The silence that had formed was killing the both of you. No one knew what to say or do. The awkward tension held him back from taking the first step, the fear mixed with the embarrassment from a few moments earlier made it impossible for you to move. It felt strange to be in each other’s presence without having the ability to look each other in the eye for longer than a few seconds. And even stranger to know how different this was only a few months back. You had resorted to dust off the pictures that had fallen onto the ground while Alex let his eyes wander around. He did not know what overcame him as he walked up to you. The little café had never come to his attention before. He blamed the big buildings that flanked the warm place for that. As he stepped in, looking for a place to enjoy a good cup of coffee, he wished he had discovered it a long time ago. The mismatched tables and chairs, the hanging lightbulbs, the old paintings decorating the flower wallpaper… Everything breathed out comfort and safety.

The older looking man had greeted Alex with a warming smile, until both men were distracted by the loud curses of a woman in the far back of the café who had dropped her papers all over the floor. Alex did not know whether to laugh or run away when he saw that you were the poor soul collecting all the different photos of the ground. And before he even knew it himself, he stood in front of you. Trying his best to make a casual conversation, without losing his cool.

He was failing miserably.

He really wished the sudden urge of confidence hadn’t left so suddenly.

Jeremy frowned upon the sight in front of him from his place behind the counter. The large piece of cake he had prepared for you earlier stood abandoned next to him. He had never seen that young man in your presence before. Every day you visited his little café alone. Never were you accompanied by a friend, nor had you ever invited one. He could not help the chuckle that passed his lips as he saw the strange boy fumble his way towards your table. But by the way his steps slowed down with each second and how he now stood before you as if he had committed a crime, the old man could not help but wonder what your relationship had damaged to become so uncomfortable.

“Y/N…” Alex started, sighing as he noticed you close your eyes for a second, turning your body slightly away from him.

“Y/N.” He tried again; his voice sounded a bit stronger, more certain. As if he had found his courage and willpower again. But then it crumpled again, his shoulders dropped as he frantically tried to make eye contact. “I am happy to see you again.”

This made you look up. “Me too.” You nodded. “How are you?”

Alex snorted, looking around the café as he tried to find words. Why had it become difficult to speak to you? “Good?” He nodded, more to convince himself than you, “Yeah, I have been good. Taking pictures, trying to improve my photography-“

This made you laugh, the sound making his heart jump for a second. “As if you needed any more improvement.”

Alex bit his lip, glad that you weren’t paying attention to his red flushing cheeks. He breathed out deeply as he looked down at the different cards. His eyes glided over the different pictures depicting scenes of romance, hope, grief and so on. Without saying anything, he sat down, flipping through them one by one. Some of the pictures made the corners of his lips slowly turn up, while others made his brows furrow.

This gave you the opportunity to finally take a look at him. His hair had gotten longer since the last time you saw him. Back then it was cut short, but now his long locks were held together in a little man bun. His jaw was accented by a subtle beard. It’s crazy how much he changed in a few months time… Yet he still looked as dashing as back then.

“I still think this one is the best.” He smiled, showing you the gloomy picture from earlier.

His words made you snap out of your daze, clearing your throat as you took a seat opposite from him after he arched one eyebrow, pointing to the empty chair.

“That’s a shocker,” you shrugged, “You came to me with that movie.”

Alex nodded, the confident smile on his lips reached his eyes for the first time, making them shine bright. However, that light quickly died. Absent-mindedly, he let his finger wander over the picture, contemplating if he should speak up about the shared past or not.

“I… I knew we would meet again, you know? Well, I hoped”

You looked down at your coffee, once again escaping his eyes while wrapping your hands around the lukewarm beverage. It didn’t offer you much comfort anymore.

“Now that I am older,” He lightly joked, “More mature, more-“

“Alex” You interrupted his train of thoughts. “Don’t- Don’t do that.”

“Maybe now you can give me the real reason as to why you gave up on us so easily.” He continued, his voice was low, almost a whisper but the sneer in it could not be ignored. All of the sudden, it felt as if you were on the artic. The blood in your veins ran cold as he had backed you up in a corner. Alex knew he could have pushed you even further away from him, but simply needed to know. The young man sat there before you with his heart beating loudly in his throat. His jaw was clenched, and his fingers lightly drummed on the table.

You sighed, not daring to look into his eyes. Before you even opened your mouth to answer his burning question, he softly spoke up again. “The truth, please.”

You laughed dryly, now really feeling trapped under his demanding stare and the growing tension between the two of you. “I did not want to.” You confessed, feeling your eyes well up. “I really… I really loved you, you know? The time I shared with you was wonderful, and I want you to know that it wasn’t your fault or anything… I just let myself get carried away by my feeling for you, Alex.”

“And why is that a bad thing?” He asked, not understanding your motive.

You grinned, looking at his confused face. “I was your teacher, Alex. We had this conversation before, I wasn’t-“

His hand immediately flew towards your hand, making you fall quiet. “So what? I never cared. Not then, not now. I am no longer your student, there is no reason anymore to hold back anymore.”

You snorted; he would never change. He would always be this cocky little brat and-

“Wait. What do you mean… ‘no reason to hold back anymore’?”

He grinned, squeezing your hand a bit. “I always hoped we could meet again, so I could tell you should not be afraid of our relationship anymore. Or your feelings. Or… us. Don’t say anything because I know that fear held you back. We can be together, Y/N! Please, just-just leave behind your doubts for once. Don’t give a fuck about other people!” He said, his voice becoming louder with each word, growing with passion. “Put yourself first…” His face sprouted a smile, but it was not one of happiness or relief, no, it was because he felt helpless. He could feel you slipping right through his fingers again as he saw you shaking your head. He saw the doubts written all over your face. The questions rummaging through your mind. Was he being truthful? Was it unethical? Could you just start over again and continue this relationship? Was it worth the risk? “Just, choose with your heart for once. You know my feelings for you, but I am waiting for you.”

His words warmed your heart and made the corners of your lips turn upwards slightly. The worries clouding your minds made it hard to really focus on his words, still… You could no longer deny how he made you feel deep down.

As you licked your lips, the both of you suddenly got shaken out of your little bubble by a friendly voice complimenting the handsome man in front of you.

“My dear boy, you could not have a better timing. She really needs someone to make her laugh and escape that world of hers full of work and deadlines she dares to call a life.” Jeremy laughed, waving off your shocked expression, knowing you were about to contradict him. “You both need each other, children.” He paused, placing down two cups of coffee, accompanied with two large slices of one of his famous cakes. “Listen to an old man’s wise words.” Without any further words, and still ignoring your shocked face and Alex’ gestures that he had not ordered anything yet, he left the table to go back to his counter.

From there, he watched how you both broke into a fit of laughter, figuring it was better to enjoy the food and drinks than let them spoil. As Alex shrugged his shoulders and took a careful first bite of the pie, you took a first sip of your new and cup of coffee, never breaking eye contact with him. And… it felt good.

The old man behind the counter watched proudly as the two of you slowly picked up a conversation, sharing what you had been up to these past months to the finest details. The words suddenly came easily and talking felt comfortable again. Laughs, giggles, and loud exclaims of shock and delight were audible throughout the whole café, often making the other customers look up from their spot in the far back of the café. But you couldn’t be bothered by them. No, you were far off in your bubble. A bubble that was warm and joyful, filled with light and love now that Alex was in it.

And as the hours passed and the second slice of pie had been devoured, Jeremy’s heart filled with joy as he saw how your hand was still in the hands of that handsome boy.

Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed! xxx

#alex hogh andersen imagines #alex hogh andersen imagine #alex andersen imagine #alex andersen imagines #alex hogh andersen x reader #alex x reader #vikings imagines #vikings request #alex andersen request #alex høgh andersen #alex høgh #ivar the boneless #vikings season 6 #i am still alive

87 notes · View notes

astrognossienne · 3 years

Text

scandalous beauty - dolores del río - an analysis

“I love my native Mexico but I love Hollywood, too. It has brought me much happiness and yet, while here I have been miserably unhappy also. But through it all I have found myself, my work and my true destiny.” - Dolores del Río

Like Lupe Vélez, Dolores del Río was a pioneering Latina actress, however del Río’s reach was longer. Far from being stigmatized as a woman of colour, she was acknowledged as the epitome of beauty in the Hollywood of the 1920s and early 1930s. While she insisted upon her ethnicity, she was nevertheless coded white by the film industry and its fans, and she appeared for more than a decade as a romantic lead opposite white actors. Returning to Mexico in the early 1940s, she brought enthusiasm and prestige to the Golden Age of Mexican cinema, becoming one of the great divas of Mexican film. With struggle and perseverance, she overcame the influence of men in both countries who hoped to dominate her, ultimately controlling her own life professionally and personally. Her sophistication, style and artistry bewitched everyone from Stella Adler to John Ford, Federico Fellini, and her great friends Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera, who proclaimed to be “totally in love with her, just like forty million Mexicans and one hundred and twenty million Americans who couldn’t be wrong.” She was America’s first Latina superstar, and by the early 1930s, she was one of Hollywood's ten top moneymakers. Hers was a charmed life, but not even she was without problems. A child of privilege in her native Mexico, her family’s status was destroyed in the Mexican Revolution, and her desire to restore her comfortable lifestyle inspired del Río to follow a career as an actress. Discovered and promoted by American director Edwin Carewe, her obsessive protector and Svengali, as the “female Rudolph Valentino,” del Río’s aristocratic, Spanish-European background was constantly pushed to counteract Hollywood’s racism against Mexicans; indeed she was generally thought to be one of the most beautiful actresses of her era, and was the first Latin American movie star to have international appeal. She worked for over five decades and paved the way for Latin American stars in American cinema.

Dolores del Río, according to astrotheme, was a Leo sun and Aries moon. She was born María de los Dolores Asúnsolo López-Negrete in the Mexican town of Durango; she was an only child born to parents who belonged to the wealthy Mexican aristocracy. She was the second cousin of actor Ramón Novarro and a cousin to actress Andrea Palma. They lived the high life in the company of intellectuals and artists. Dolores attended a prestigious school but soon their world was turned upside down, threatened by an insurrection led by Pancho Villa in the region. Del Río and her mother escaped Mexico City disguised as peasants, while her father crossed the border to the United States. When the family eventually reunited in 1912, they did so under the protection of Francisco I. Madero. In 1920 she married the 18-year older attorney Jaime Martinez del Río and became a socialite. Her career got off to a good start when in 1925 when the lauded American director Edwin Carewe was invited to her home and saw her perform and dance for her family and friends. He persuaded del Río and her husband to moved to the United Sates and go to Hollywood to be in his films. While in Hollywood, del Río played a variety of leading roles, from European aristocrat to "native" girl to European peasant.

Within a few years after her arrival, she was a major hit and her appeal was astonishingly broad. She quickly came to command a substantial salary and to exercise control over her choice of films, scripts, and camera angles. Despite the fact that she did not speak English when she first began and had to have the director 's instructions delivered through interpreters, she made the transition to sound films gracefully. Her accent was deemed slight, attractive, and not specific to a particular country. As socially attractive as she was, physically and personality-wise, the truth is that a major part of del Río’s seamless transition into Hollywood is down to racism and white supremacy. While her contemporary (and nemesis) Lupe Vélez was viewed as the "bad Mexican wildcat" (to be fair, her temperament didn’t help this stereotype), Dolores was viewed as the "good Spanish lady." The contrast between the two stars and their degrees of acceptance reflected society’s stereotypical dichotomy between "good" Spanish and "bad" Mexican images– which has its roots in U.S. history. While most Mexicans were perceived as racially inferior, the elite Hispanic Californianas were deemed European and superior while the mass of Mexican women were viewed as Indian and inferior. Californiana women who possessed land and intermarried with Anglo men were depicted positively; they were represented as aristocratic and virtuous and they epitomized "good" women; but this was at the price of denying their racial identity, and being treated as racially superior to Californiano males and the rest of their people. So as such, she soon divorced her Mexican husband Jaime in 1928 and two years later married MGM art director Cedric Gibbons (who happened to be Gary Cooper’s wife’s uncle).

Soon after her marriage, she was romantically linked with actor Errol Flynn, filmmaker John Farrow, writer Erich Maria Remarque, film producer Archibaldo Burns, and actor Tito Junco. However, it was her affair with Orson Welles, who considered her the love of his life, that was arguably her most high profile relationship. She and Welles met at a party hosted by director Darryl Zanuck. The couple felt a mutual attraction and began a discreet affair, which upon eventual discovery caused the divorce between Dolores and Gibbons. Their relationship lasted for 4 years; she ended it when she got word of Welles cheating on her. She decided to end her relationship with Welles through a telegram that he never answered. According to his daughter, Rebecca, until the end of his life, Welles felt for del Río a kind of obsession. Weeks later, her father died in Mexico. With these personal and professional downturns, Dolores del Río returned to Mexico in the 1940s and became a significant part of the Mexican film industry’s Golden Era. She was the muse of director Emilio Fernández and starred most notably in Las Abandonadas (1944) and La Malquerida (1949). On a national and even international level though, Dolores del Río will perhaps always be best remembered for her role in the 1946 classic María Candelaría, which is said to be the film of which she was most proud. It also marked the first tentative steps of the Mexican film industry into the world of serious cinema and was the first Latin American film to be screened at the Cannes Film Festival in 1946, where it won the Grand Prix (now known as the Palme d’Or) for Best Picture. After her triumph in her native homeland, she returned to Hollywood and played opposite Henry Fonda in The Fugitive (1947). She continued to work steadily, starring in various TV shows and films until retiring in 1978. On April 11, 1983, del Río died from liver failure at the age of 78 in Newport Beach, California.

Next week, I’ll focus on her one-time lover, an iconoclastic disruptor who took on the conventions of Hollywood and won: the amazing Taurus Orson Welles.

Stats

birthdate: August 3, 1904

major planets:

Sun: Leo

Moon: Aries

Rising: Leo

Mercury: Virgo

Venus: Leo

Mars: Cancer

Midheaven: Taurus

Jupiter: Aries

Saturn: Aquarius

Uranus: Sagittarius

Neptune: Cancer

Pluto: Gemini

Overall personality snapshot: She had a large, warm-hearted, extroverted personality that was always eager to embrace life, love and success – in big doses. There was something about her that assumed the divine right to live life to the full, and her intensity and impatience, along with her personal ambitions, pulled her ever onwards into new projects, fresh relationships and greater challenges. She was something of a gambler and had a daring and dramatic spirit which propelled her forward to make her mark, a sense of personal destiny which can only be exciting and noble. And she was prepared to fight for that glorious destiny if she had to, although she would rather simply steal the show and convince everyone with her intelligence, originality, courage and fabulous style. One of her most beguiling qualities is that she was totally lacking in guile and pretense. Although her own personal destiny was what interested her, paradoxically she at first looked for people she could admire and make into personal heroes. Strongly influenced by a favourite teacher, friend, poet, sports champion or movie star, she could then emulate them and learn through experience how to be great.

She loved the process of creating, as well as the applause that came at the end. Indeed, she relied on those adoring strokes and affirmative responses more than she liked to admit. Life without people would be colourless and boring for her. Social interaction was her life-blood – she could be the life of the party, a real ham and an eccentric, ready to take up the most outrageous dare. But when her extrovert escapades dry up, so did she. She may have, in fact, driven herself to exhaustion and then collapse like a child, home from an all-night rave-up. Yet despite her headlong rush into the experience of life, she was not necessarily irresponsible. Daring and highly idealistic dreams worked away inside her and made her want to improve things, to show people the way, and she may have simply taken charge – for a while. Intensely self-motivated, she did not respond well to orders from others, even though she could be quite bossy herself. There is a touch of the preacher inside her, and she approached her work with great enthusiasm and commitment. She needed space to do her own thing, to learn from her own mistakes, and to learn how to impose her own brand of self-discipline. Her innate self-dramatizing tendencies made her a natural for the theater, business, lecturing, the media – areas that involved group interaction and provided scope for her original and iconoclastic ideas.

She had great presence with a strong-featured face and a sunny glow of inner self-confidence and displayed a regal quality in her posture and carriage; was definitely well-built. She sought perfection in whatever she did and could be very critical of herself and her own efforts. In this way, she often became overly critical and pedantic, especially under stress. She was basically an honest person, and it disturbed her greatly when she had to deal with people who were not. Anyone who violated her sense of trust had a very hard time getting it back. It was very important for her to know that she had the security of a guaranteed paycheck coming in regularly. She had an artistic side to her that obviously influenced her choice of career as an actor. Once she had decided upon her career, she was able to (and most certainly did) pursue it with great determination. She had boundless enthusiasm and big ideas coupled with high expectations of succeeding. She was also self-sufficient and broad-minded. Her genuine pioneering spirit, positive outlook and large-scale personal ambitions led her right to the top. She needed to learn to think before you take on a challenge, and all risks should have been carefully considered. She needed to learn to relax and slow down. She was anxious to prove herself both to others and to herself. If anyone said that she couldn’t do something, she defied them to try and stop her. As long as she felt that she was the one in control, she had a high degree of optimism and was fun-loving, loving to play at life.

She had an original mind and used every skill she possessed to gain control of her affairs. She found it hard to let go of the past, and it would have been good if she did so that she could grow. She was willing to tolerate austerity for as long as it was justified. She respected institutions for as long as they served her purpose. She had the ability to judge what was viable or important. She belonged to a generation with fiery enthusiasm for new and innovative ideas and concepts. Rejecting the past and its mistakes, she sought new ideals and people to believe in. As a member of this generation, she felt restless and adventurous, and was attracted towards foreign people, places and cultures. She was part of an emotionally sensitive generation that was extremely conscious of the domestic environment and the atmosphere surrounding their home place and home country. In fact, she could be quite nostalgic about her homeland, religion and traditions, often seeing them in a romantic light. She felt a degree of escapism from everyday reality, and was very sensitive to the moods of those around him. Dolores embodied all of these Cancer Neptunian ideals, when she returned to her native Mexico in 1943, a country of which she was very proud, her decision to return to her roots changed her career. As a Gemini Plutonian, she was mentally restless and willing to examine and change old doctrines, ideas and ways of thinking. As a member of this generation, she showed an enormous amount of mental vitality, originality and perception. Traditional customs and taboos were examined and rejected for newer and more original ways of doing things. As opportunities with education expanded, she questioned more and learned more.

Love/sex life: She had a heroic conception of herself as a lover. She saw herself as strong and in control, the protector of the weak and the saviour of the desperate. Unfortunately, the realities of her love life didn’t always support this notion. Often it was her tender feelings that required protection and her desperate plunges in and out of love that called for a saviour. In order to justify this discrepancy, she often had to be less than honest, both with her lover and herself. The person most likely to win her heart would have been that individual who made it appear as if she was the champion when, in fact, she was the one crying for help. Her tendency toward self-deception often extended to a failure to admit to her very natural emotionalism and sexual passivity. Unfortunately, there always came a day of reckoning when she had to “own” her emotional susceptibility and capitulate to her sloppy feelings of dependency and her deep-seated need for affection. The good news was that surrendering everything for love wasn’t nearly as bad as she thought it was. She may have lost her dignity but what she got in return made it all worth while.

minor asteroids and points:

North Node: Virgo

Lilith: Pisces

Vertex: Sagittarius

Fortune: Taurus

East Point: Leo

These points in her chart, however minor, packed a major punch in her sex appeal as well. Her North Node in Virgo dictated that her tendency to dream and be disorganized needed to be tempered by developing more practical and down-to-earth attitudes. Her Lilith in Pisces meant that she was a woman who was a natural born mystic and cultivated her own myth. Her Part of Fortune in Taurus and Part of Spirit in Scorpio dictated that her destiny lay in attaining personal freedom through seeking material security and comfort. Happiness and good fortune came through tangible and practical results that had a solid foundation. Her soul’s purpose lay in delving fearlessly into the unknown. She felt spiritual connections and saw the spark of the divine when she could strip away the outer layers of experiences and get to the core of a situation. East Point in Leo dictated that she was more likely to identify with the need for pleasure (including the potential of liking herself) and comfort. Vertex in Sagittarius, 4th house reveals that she dreamt of the pinnacle of adventure when it came to mating. Her psyche yearned to be carried away to the ends of the earth or to be exposed to every manner of religious and/or philosophical theory known to man and then some. Her yearning was strong and really deep when it came to rarefied experiences of any sort. Encountering and wanting to join with her demanded that she always had an itinerary that will provide her with the maps to explore the roads that they have not yet traveled, to say nothing of the different worlds they have dreamed of but not yet experienced. She had a childlike orientation, in all of its manifestations, toward relationships on an internal level. That implicit dependency and impressionable nature that was instilled in her childhood persisted far into maturity. The concomitant explosions and occasional tantrums when these constructs are violated also accompany this position. She had a need for emotional security and comfort in a committed relationship, no matter how many years it has endured. She often had deep fears, typical of children, of abandonment, as well as a need for protection and universal acceptance, no matter how she acted, which she needed her partner to respect and nurture, rather than rebuke, especially in adulthood.

elemental dominance:

fire

earth

She was dynamic and passionate, with strong leadership ability. She generated enormous warmth and vibrancy. She was exciting to be around, because she was genuinely enthusiastic and usually friendly. However, she could either be harnessed into helpful energy or flame up and cause destruction. Ultimately, she chose the latter. Confident and opinionated, she was fond of declarative statements such as “I will do this” or “It’s this way.” When out of control—usually because she was bored, or hadn’t been acknowledged—she was be bossy, demanding, and even tyrannical. But at her best, her confidence and vision inspired others to conquer new territory in the world, in society, and in themselves. She was a practical, reliable man and could provide structure and protection. She was oriented toward practical experience and thought in terms of doing rather than thinking, feeling, or imagining. Could be materialistic, unimaginative, and resistant to change. But at her best, she provided the practical resources, analysis, and leadership to make dreams come true.

modality dominance:

fixed

She liked the challenge of managing existing routines with ever more efficiency, rather than starting new enterprises or finding new ways of doing things. She likely had trouble delegating duties and had a very hard time seeing other points of view; she tried to implement the human need to create stability and order in the wake of change.

house dominants:

12th

9th

1st

She had great interest in the unconscious, and indulged in a lot of hidden and secret affairs. Her life was defined by seclusion and escapism. She had a certain mysticism and hidden sensitivity, as well as an intense need for privacy. Traveling, whether physically across the globe, on a mental plane or expanding through study was a major theme in her life. She was not only concerned with learning facts, but also wanted to understand the connections formed between them and the philosophies and concepts they stood for. Her conscience, as well as foreign travel, people and places was also of paramount importance in her life. Her personality, disposition and temperament was highlighted in her life. The manner in which she expressed herself and the way she approached other people is also highlighted. The way she approached new situations and circumstances contributed to show how she set about her life’s goals. Early childhood experiences also factored in her life as well.

planet dominants:

Mercury

Sun

Venus

She was intelligent, mentally quick, and had excellent verbal acuity. She dealt in terms of logic and reasoning. It is likely that she was left-brained. She was restless, craved movement, newness, and the bright hope of undiscovered terrains. She had vitality and creativity, as well as a strong ego and was authoritarian and powerful. She likely had strong leadership qualities, she definitely knew who she was, and she had tremendous will. She met challenges and believed in expanding her life. She was romantic, attractive and valued beauty, had an artistic instinct, and was sociable. She had an easy ability to create close personal relationships, for better or worse, and to form business partnerships.

sign dominants:

Leo

Aries

Virgo

She loved being the center of attention and often surrounded herself with admirers. She had an innate dramatic sense, and life was definitely her stage. Her flamboyance and personal magnetism extended to every facet of her life. She wanted to succeed and make an impact in every situation. As a Leo dominant, she was, at her best, optimistic, honorable, loyal, and ambitious. She was a physically oriented individual who took pride in her body. She was bold, courageous, and resourceful. She always seemed to know what she believed, what she wanted from life, and where she was going. She could be dynamic and aggressive (sometimes, to a fault) in pursuing her goals—whatever they might be. Could be argumentative, lacked tact, and had a bad temper. On the other hand, her anger rarely lasted long, and she could be warm and loving with those she cared about. She was a discriminating, attractive, thorough, scientific, hygienic, humane, scientific woman and had the highest standards. Her attention to detail was second to none and she had a deeply penetrative and investigative mind.

Read more about her under the cut.

Dolores del Rio was the one of the first Mexican movie stars with international appeal and who had meteoric career in the 1920s/1930s Hollywood. Del Rio came from an aristocratic family in Durango. In the Mexican revolution of 1916, however, the family lost everything and emigrated to Mexico City, where Dolores became a socialite. In 1921 she married Jaime Del Río (also known as Jaime Martínez Del Río), a wealthy Mexican, and the two became friends with Hollywood producer/director Edwin Carewe, who "discovered" del Rio and invited the couple to move to Hollywood where they launched careers in the movie business (she as an actress, Jaime as a screenwriter). Eventually they divorced after Carewe cast her in her first film Joanna (1925), followed by High Steppers (1926), and Pals First (1926). She had her first leading role in Carewe's silent version of Pals First (1926) and soared to stardom in 1928 with Carewe's Ramona (1928). The film was a success and del Rio was hailed as a female Rudolph Valentino. Her career continued to rise with the arrival of sound in the drama/romance Bird of Paradise (1932) and hit musical Flying Down to Rio (1933). She later married Cedric Gibbons, the well-known art director and production designer at MGM studios. Dolores returned to Mexico in 1942. Her Hollywood career was over, and a romance with Orson Welles--who later called her "the most exciting woman I've ever met"--caused her second divorce. Mexican director Emilio Fernández offered her the lead in his film Wild Flower (1943), with a wholly unexpected result: at age 37, Dolores del Río became the most famous movie star in her country, filming in Spanish for the first time. Her association with Fernández' team (cinematographer Gabriel Figueroa, writer Mauricio Magdaleno and actor Pedro Armendáriz) was mainly responsible for creating what has been called the Golden Era of Mexican Cinema. With such pictures as Maria Candelaria (1944), The Abandoned (1945) and Bugambilia (1945), del Río became the prototypical Mexican beauty. career included film, theater and television. In her last years she received accolades because of her work for orphaned children. Her last film was The Children of Sanchez (1978). (x)

#leo #dolores del rio #star analyses #scandalous stars #astrology #long ass post #mine

23 notes · View notes

ohh-baekhyun · 4 years

Text

Sugar | 02 - [M]

summary: Getting into a performing arts college isn’t cheap. In desperate need of money, you sign yourself up on an online dating site called Sugar. There, you match with a wealthy and handsome man named Mr Byun.

genre: Softdom!baek, sugardaddy!au, collegeprofessor!au.

[m]: Parking lot sex.

a/n: Merry christmas everyone. here’s a small gift for you, thank you for reading my stories all these times :D i hope you like this!

TWO - Mr Savage

One week later, the movers came by in the morning to pack and shift your things to the new apartment. The new place was sumptuous, as you expected, and you were still trying to wrap your head around this sudden change in your life. You didn’t know if you were doing the right thing, but you knew you needed the money urgently. You had just received your acceptance letter from the college you applied to, along with an invoice for your first semester’s fee. There’s nothing you wanted more than getting into this college.

Hanlim Conservatorie was one of the most prestigious, elite and expensive performing art colleges in the nation. Their acceptance rate was among the lowest. Getting into this school was like a dream and you had worked your ass off to pass the entrance audition. Now all you needed was to pay for the tuition fee. Only Mr Byun could help you with it, and he already did. Last night, you received a ten thousand dollars cheque from him as a ‘signing bonus’ for agreeing to be his sub. You had cashed the cheque and made payment to the school administrative, now you were just waiting for college to start in a few weeks.

In the afternoon, Mr Byun dropped by to check up on you. While he was there, he found out you only had cup ramen stocked in the kitchen, that’s how you ended up in the grocery store with him now.

You’d never been to a grocery store like this before. You glanced around in awe, wondering if this was where rich people shopped. The environment was cozy with a faint sound of classical music in the background paired with soft chatterings. The lighting was warm and you liked that it wasn’t so crowded. Most of the things sold here were either organic or gluten free, though there are some things you’ve seen in a regular store before, but they were marked at a higher price.

You and Baekhyun were strolling side by side through the aisles. He wore a white t-shirt and jeans today, and with you wearing the same colored top tucked in your denim skirt, you two looked almost like a couple. You studied the way he shopped, noting that unlike you, Baekhyun didn’t go for the cheapest item on the shelves but the highest quality.

“Do you do your own shopping too?” you asked, staring up at him as he reached up to pull out a carton of strawberry milk from the shelves.

“I have someone does it for me,” he muttered absentmindedly as he read the label on the carton. He finally dunked the item into the shopping cart and continued walking.

After getting a few things from the deli section, he moved to the condiments aisle. You looked up at him and found him glancing from left to right, searching for something. “What are you looking for, Baekhyun?” you asked.

“Mixed herbs,” he muttered distantly, his eyes searching. You tug at his sleeve to get his attention. He dropped his gaze to you. “Hmm?”

“I think I saw it somewhere just now,” you told him. “Can I go get it for you?” you asked. He permitted with a hum and you wandered off to find the item he was looking for.

After searching for a minute or two, you found an array of herbs bottle in the canned goods section. You craned forward and squinted your eyes at the items on the shelves. There were so many similar looking items.

“Are you looking for something, pretty?”

Your eyes drifted to where the voice was coming from. A male around Mr Byun’s age was already standing by your side, a grin tugged at the side of his lips.

“Can I help you?” he asked.

Actually, you didn’t need his help, but being someone who was afraid to say no to people, you nodded. Anyway, this stranger was kind enough to offer help, you didn’t want to offend him. “Yeah, I’m looking for mixed herbs,” you told him.

The stranger glanced up at the shelves, searching for it. It looked like he had found something when he shifted himself closer to you with one raised hand to reach for the item. You shifted aside when you felt the brush of his arm over yours, but he scooted closer again. Suddenly, his free hand was resting on your lower back causing your whole body to stiffen up. You were uncomfortable but you didn’t have the guts to push him away. What if it was just a friendly gesture, you didn’t want to wrongly accused someone who has helped you.

“Here.” The guy handed you the herbs bottle.

You gulped, taking the item from his grasp. “T-thank you,” you say in a slightly shaky voice.

His eyes were currently scanning your body in a way that made you stomach felt nauseous. He looked back at your face with lazy eyes. “Are you here alone, babe?” He asked, sliding his hand from your lower back down to your ass. Your heart hammered with fear. The lump in your throat was muting you. He caressed your butt cheek and inched his face closer. “Who are you here with?”

“She’s with me, Jaebum, get your hands off her.”

The strangers groaned and dropped his hand immediately. Recognizing the owner of that voice, you wasted no time to turn around. The menacing look on Mr Byun’s face scared you, but it didn’t stop your from rushing over to him to seek his protection. As soon as you reached his side, he held your hand and guided you to stand behind him. Half of your view was blocked by his broad back, but you could still see what’s before you.

Mr Byun knew this guy, and it was easy to tell they didn’t like each other.

“Your new play thing?” The stranger asked casually, shoving his hands into his pants’ pockets. Mr Byun didn’t answer to that. The guy smiled scornfully. “What happened to the last one? Got bored?”

“It’s none of your business,” Mr Byun answered coldly. He clenched his palm around your hand and tugged you with him.

“See you around, Byun,” the stranger said when you moved past him. “One more thing,” he said and Mr Byun halted, although he didn’t turn around to look at him. “Let me know when you got bored of this one, I’ll have her.”

“I don’t want you.” The words stumbled out of your mouth before you even knew it. You gasped quietly when you realize.

Mr Byun huffed mockingly. “You heard her, Jaebum.” he muttered, then he walked away.

Now that it was just you and him, you became so aware of the anger radiating off of him. He walked you back to the condiments aisle where you left him earlier, the shopping cart was parked by the shelves. He finally let go of your and and move to stand before you.

You had to lift your head to look at him because he was a head taller than you. It was obvious he looked pissed.

“Did you know he was touching you?”

His voice was low, but your heart still jumped at his hard tone. He furrowed his brows as he waited for your answer. You bobbed your head timidly.

His frown deepened. “You knew? And you didn’t say a goddamn thing to stop him?” His tone was slightly raised this time. You couldn’t help but to cower under his domineering stare. “This is a public place. You could’ve shouted for help and someone would’ve heard you,” he went on, “What if I wasn’t here? You’d just let him molest you?”

“I–“ you parted your lips to say something, when nothing came out your pressed it close again. You sighed, dropping your head instead of replying.

Mr Byun gripped your chin, lifted it up to pin you under his hard stare. “You have a mouth. Use it.”

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, your voice quivering.

“What are you sorry for?” he frowned.

“I don’t know…for being groped?” You said in a small, unsure tone.

“No, that’s not–“ he sighed in frustration. “Sweetheart, it wasn’t your fault he groped you. He was a jerk.”

Your forehead creased. You were confused. If it wasn’t your fault, why was he mad at you then?

Mr Byun finally let go of your chin with a grunt. You cast your eyes down regretfully. He stared at you for a short moment before sighing and shaking his head. “If something similar happens again, I hope you’d at least try to defend yourself and speak up when you’re uncomfortable,” He chastised and though his voice was softer, the disappointment was obvious. “Do you understand me?” He said firmly.

Once he received your yes, he walked away. Your shoulders dropped in dismay. It’s only been a week and you were already making Mr Byun unhappy. He was definitely changing his mind after today, and you couldn’t help the sadness washing over you at the thought. With the sadness, came fear. How are you going to pay him back? You’d cleared the check and used the money.

Mr Byun cleared his throat loudly enough to snap you out of your daze. You glanced at him, who was already standing at a distance from you. He gave a curt nod to beckoned you over. You immediately broke out of your trance and dashed over to him like a puppy to its owner.

When you fell into step next to the shopping cart, Mr Byun grabbed your wrist to pull you closer to him. “Stay by my side,” he murmured, peering down at you.

There wasn’t any warmth in his demeanour but your pulse still quickened at the way he looked at you. You swallowed and nodded in compliance.

Both of you were presently strolling down the frozen food section. It felt like you were walking on eggshells. You stood by and watched Mr Byun grabbed two packs of frozen blueberries and dunk it in the cart. None of you muttered a word to each other. You couldn’t stop stealing glances at him to check on him. There was a cold distance in his expression, he was definitely in a sour mood after what happened.

You couldn’t help but to blame yourself, even if there was a chance that his bad mood was caused by Jaebum, not you. You have always been an overly sensitive child growing up, especially to other’s feelings and emotions. Sometimes, just a subtle change in someone’s expression made you anxious, and you’d start questioning if you’d done something wrong. Like now.

For the umpteenth time, you stole a glance at the man next to you, except this time he caught you in the act. His brows pulled together into a tight frown, almost a glare. “What?” He bit out. His tone startled you, and you unconsciously made a pout with your lips. He gave you a long, assessing stare. At last, he sighed and softened his voice, “Is there anything you want?”

Tentatively, you took a step towards him and clutched on the fabric of his shirt. He peered down at you in confusion. You gave him your pleading eyes. “I want you to stop being mad,” you begged softly. “I promise I’ll be a good girl.”

Thick silence stretched between the two of you. The knit between his eyebrows was slowly disappearing, and the coldness in his eyes morphed into something heated. You can feel his breathing slowed. He looked like he was turned on. By what though? Did he like it when you begged?

“Please, Mr Byun…” you tried again.

“So help me God,” he whispered harshly under his breath. “I’m going to welt your ass for being so cute.”

Your lips parted in a surprise. You certainly didn’t expect him to say that.

Mr Byun groaned when he noticed the blush rising on your cheek. He tore his gaze from you and stared at the fridge behind you. He reached a hand over your shoulder to open it. You felt a cold breeze puffing against your back. “Do you want ice-cream?” He asked, dropping his gaze to you again.

His unpredictability surprised you. One moment he was telling you he wanted to spank you, and the next moment he was offering to buy you ice-cream.

“Sweetheart?”

You shook your head lightly to pull yourself out of your reverie, then you glanced up. “You’re not mad at me anymore?”

He gave a soft smile. “I was never mad at you.”

“At who then?”

“You know who.”

Jaebum, you thought. And the relief made you smile.

“Ice-cream?” Mr Byun asked again. You gave him a nod and a sweeter smile. He lifted his gaze to examine the content of the fridge. “Which flavor?”

You swiveled around to face the fridge, running your gaze through the stacks of ice-cream tubs. “That one,” you gestured. “Strawberry shortcake.”

Mr Byun dropped his gaze to you, the side of his lip curled up. You blink cluelessly, not understanding the look he gave you. He let out a deep chuckle. “What a baby,” he teased endearingly.

You cocked your head to the side, puzzled. “What baby?”

“My baby,” he said, giving your heart a little jump.

You blushed harder. You knew Baekhyun didn’t mean his word in a i love you baby kind of way, but more in a i’m your sugar daddy, and you’re my baby girl kind of way, but it was heart fluttering all the same.

Once Baekhyun withdrew the ice-cream tub from the fridge, he held your arm to pull you back so he could close the door. He leaned over to set the tub above a pile of goods in the cart. It was then you realised that he had bought a lot, and they were all for you. For someone who used to go for days without food, you were beyond grateful. You didn’t have to worry about going to sleep hungry and having to endure the stomach pain it caused you anymore.

Mr Byun was going to push the cart when you held his wrist to stop him. He turned his head to your side and that’s when you tiptoed to cup his face and kissed him. Being with him, even if it has only been a week, you learned that he really loved kisses. He hadn’t done anything besides kissed you actually. And since you couldn’t offer him anything in return for his kindness, you thought giving him a kiss would at least made him happy. But to your dismay, he didn’t return it.

Slowly, you pulled back and lowered your heels to the ground. Baekhyun had an unreadable look on his face. You honestly couldn’t tell what he was feeling, you just knew you felt stupid for doing what you did. You dropped your head, embarrassed.

He cleared his throat. “Let’s go.”

The journey towards the checkout counter was filled with silence. Baekhyun parked the shopping cart by the conveyor belt and started unloading the things. You flashed the cashier a smile when she greeted you before helping Baekhyun out. Once the cart was empty, he pushed it out of the counter so he could stand next to you.

You didn’t know how long you stood there waiting. It felt like forever. The lady was slow. She actually reminded you of that sloth from zootopia. You glanced at Baekhyun. He was watching the lady scanned the items while tapping his fingertips rapidly on the counter. There’s a tight knit in between his brows. It was obvious he was losing his patience, but he fought to hold it back. Somehow that brought a grin to your face and you couldn’t stop the chuckle from escaping.

Baekhyun looked over at you with a frown, and you wiped the grin off your face before he could see it.

“Your total would be—“ Both of you returned your attention to the cashier. “Wait—I’m sorry, give me a moment.” the lady had a frown on her face as she tapped her forefinger frantically on the cash register’s screen. You could hear Baekhyun’s deep inhalation and exhalation that made you press your lips together. His frustration was adorable, and you were on the verge of laughing.

You slide your palm up his arm and squeezed his bicep to get him to look at you. You offered him a warm smile, hoping it would calm him down. But his feature only tighten up under your touch. You pursed your lips in dissapointment and peeled your hand away.

It’s a good thing the lady was finally done. “Your total would be two hundred and sixteen dollar.”

Your jaw dropped when you heard the amount. You’d never spent so much at a grocery store before.

Mr Byun pulled out his wallet from the back pocket of his jeans and silently handed three one hundred dollar notes to the lady. Once his hands were free, he immediately held your wrist and gathered the plastic carriers in the other. He started dragging you away from the counter.

“Mr Byun, you forgot your change,” You reminded him, and just after you said it you heard the lady shouted from a distance.

“Sir, your change!”

“She can keep it,” he muttered gruffly without giving you a glance.

You started to calculate the balance in your head. He just gave away eighty four dollar for free. You gasped. “But that’s a lot of money,” you told him.

He whipped his head around and gave you a stern look that shut you up completely.

You remained quiet as you walked down the travelator that led you to the basement where the parking lot was. He let go of your hand to hold the door open, nodding in cue for you to walk out first. You dropped your gaze to his fully occupied hand and noted the veins bulging on his skin.

“Let me help you.” you reached a hand down but he retracted before you could grasp anything.

“I can handle it, sweetie, go on,” he bobbed his head towards the opened door. You wordlessly followed the order and walked out into the dark basement.

You were a few steps ahead of him when you turned around to see if he was behind, “Where are we going after–” You next word turn to gasp when your leg stumbled upon something on the floor. His hand flew out to grip your arm and he tugged you towards him. You sighed in relief and steadied your stance. “Thank you,” you whispered, staring up at him.

Baekhyun slid his hand down your arm to thread his fingers through yours, holding it tight. “Watch your steps, will you?” he reprimanded. You bobbed your head with a hum.

You stood close to him as he led you towards his car. “Are we heading home now?” You asked, glancing up at him.

He kept his gaze ahead. “Not before we finish what you started.”

Instant nervousness washed over you. “Wha-what did I do?”

Mr Byun didn’t answer to that. Another silence fell, except it wasn’t quiet because you could hear the million thoughts running through your head as you wondered what he was going to do next. You’ve never been so hyper aware of your bodily reactions toward someone. Your skin was thrumming, your heart was racing and your stomach was twisting with nervous butterflies. When his sleek Audi came into sight, instead of unlocking the door, he dragged you toward the trunk at the back. He released your hand, and you stood by his side, waiting for him obediently. Everything happened so fast as he unlocked the trunk, threw the carriers inside, and slammed it close.

The sound made your shoulders jumped. Your heart was hammering so hard it was actually painful. “Baekhyun?” you called softly, feeling confused but something about this situation thrilled you at the same time.

Mr Byun sucked in a sharp breath at the soft sound of your word. He turned to give you a stare, only two seconds, and then he was pulling you to him. His hands slid up to cup your face. You squeezed your eyes close as soon as he lowered his head. You could feel his warm breath on your lips, and you were expecting him to kiss you right now but he didn’t.

Only a second passed but it felt like forever. Very slowly, you peeled your eyes opened and found his dark eyes gazing down at you. You swallowed thickly, and that’s when he slammed his mouth against yours. You immediately made a fist around his shirt to hold on. Having kissed by him a few times, you knew how knee-weakening it was. You also knew how drugging his kisses were, that they managed to leave you high and breathless every single time.

Mr Byun has always been rough, but today he wasn’t just rough, he was a savage. You whimpered at the sting of his bite on your lower lip. He swept his tongue over the red flesh first, then shove it into your wet cavern. He groaned, and the sound resonated all through you body. For a while, he let his skillful tongue wrestled with yours before he pulled away completely.

You had a glimpse of his face only second before he turned your body around. A soft yelp tumbled out of your mouth when he pushed you forward and bend you over the trunk of his Audi. With this position, you could only think of one thing he might do. Spanked you.

You tilted your head slightly, feeling the cold metal on your cheek. “A-are you going to punish me here?”

“I’m not punishing you, sweetheart,” he shoved your skirt up so it bunched around your waist. “I’m just going to fuck you.”

His words made your insides clenched. You parted your mouth to speak, only to gasp when he yanked your underwear down in one rough move. The cold air hits your cheeks, and there wasn’t any time to feel embarrassed about it because his fingers were already entering your cunt. You bring your hand to cover your lips when a moan slipped.

Mr Byun didn’t wait to start thrusting his fingers in and out of you. “So fucking wet,” he rasped.

Blood rushed to your cheek when you heard the sound of your wetness. “I–I don’t know why–“

“Oh, I think you do, baby,” he sneered, his thrusts becoming faster and harder. “you acted all innocent and shy in front of daddy.” he scoffed. “but inside you’re just a dirty little princess waiting to be fucked.”

You’d never had anyone talked to you like that before, God, was it sick of you to be turned on by it?

You had to bite your thumb through a moan when Baekhyun curled his fingers inside you, the tip hitting you on your prime spot. Your walls immediately clenched and unclenched around his digits.

You mewled when Mr Byun withdrew his fingers completely. His hand was no longer on you. Just as you were about to protest, you heard him unbuckling his belt behind you. Following that was the sound of his zipper tearing through the silence. You brought your head back. Your pulse spiked up in an instant at the sight of his slender fingers wrapping around his hard, veiny cock. You lifted your gaze. Mr Byun had his lips caught in between his teeth as he gave his manhood a few pumps.

The fierce look on his face thrilled you, but your heart dropped when you heard the echoes of footsteps from a distance. You knew it wasn’t easy to spot you here since Mr Byun’s Audi was blocking the sight. But what if the owner of the car next to you returned. “Mr Byun, what if someone caught us?” you whispered frantically.

“Isn’t it too late to be asking that question, princess?” He taunted. “This is what you get for teasing daddy in public.”

He was talking about the kiss at the grocery store earlier. You had no words to argue with him. Scrape that. You didn’t want to argue at all. You wanted this too, as much as he did.

“You’re lucky public sex is an offence,” Mr Byun said hoarsely as he insinuated himself in between your legs. “I was so close to fucking you in front of everyone in that shop.”

Your breathing hitched when you felt the tip of his cock grazing over your wet folds. He gripped the curve of your waist to hold you down. The next thing you felt was a sharp stretching pain as he shoved his length all the way into you.

“B-baekhyun…” your back arched as you let out the lewdest sound you’ve ever made, your pussy was fully stretched and filled with Mr Byun’s cock.

“Princess, you’re so–” Mr Byun dragged his length out of your hole, then he pushed it in again with a rough grunt. “Argh! so tight.”

“...Yeah, I got everything on the lists. I’m heading home now. Is there anything else you want? Okay. See you.”

Your body froze at the sound of a man’s voice. You knew this person had to be somewhere nearby because his voice sounded clear in your ears. Impulsively, you pushed yourself up, only to hiss when Mr Byun pressed his palm on the small of your back, holding you down so you couldn’t move.

He leaned over to place his mouth next to your ear, his cock still buried inside you. “Don’t make a sound,” he whispered, his breathing tickled your ears.

You tried to regulate your heavy breathing over your racing heart. Through the windshield, you saw a man walking towards the car on the opposite side of the parking space. When he shifted his stance so he was facing Mr Byun’s car, you swore your heart dropped all the way to the pit of your stomach. You were unconsciously holding your breath, praying he wouldn’t see you. To your relief, the stranger turned away and climbed into his vehicle. The engine started and soon the car was out of your sight.

A relieved sigh fell from your mouth, but before you could fully relax, Mr Byun has started ramming his cock into your pussy, causing you to cry out in shock and pleasure. You slapped your hand over your lips to muffle your voice as he continued pounding into you at an insane speed.

Mr Byun let out a deep growl when your walls clamped tightly around his length. You could barely kept your eyes open. He was getting more and more rough that you could feel the Audi shaking underneath you. Your muffled moan sounded so loud even through your concealed mouth. Your breathing grew heavier the closer he drove you to your release. He was close too. His cock was already swelling inside you.

He reached down to slip his hand in between your legs. You purred when he brushed his thumb over your clit, and cried out in bliss when he started rubbing your but rapidly. “Baekhyun, I–I’m close.”

“Come for me, princess,” he ordered gruffly.

At his cue, your release came washing over you like a tidal wave. You had a black out for a second. Your pussy was spasming so intensely around Mr Byun’s cock, but that didn’t stop him from pistoning his thick length into you. You whined, almost crying from overstimulation everytime the tip of his cock hits your g-spot.

Two to three thrusts later, Mr Byun finally came with a long throaty moan. His body shook as he unloaded his cum inside you. You felt his warm liquid leaking from your pussy, trickling down your inner thigh. He was breathing heavily behind you and so were you.

Once you regained your composure, you tried to straighten your stance but winced when your legs gave out on you. You knew he was going to leave you sore for days. A tired breath left your body. Mr Byun had just fucked you against his Audi in a parking lot and made you come harder than you’d ever came. He was a savage, indeed.

#baekhyun smut #baekhyun fluff #baekhyun x you #baekhyun fanfic #exo smut #baekhyun x reader #baekhyun #baekhyun fanfiction #baekhyun daddy #baekhyun x oc #exo fanfic #exo fanfiction #baekhyun imagine

854 notes · View notes

ibijau · 3 years

Text

chap 2 of the modern xisangyao, also on AO3

Against his better judgement, Meng Yao finds himself quite charmed by the too handsome researcher who wants to meet his employer

Mister Shanzi will be unhappy when he discovers that Meng Yao has agreed to meet with a researcher without first consulting him, but he is simply too curious. It is so odd for anyone to be so interested in that obscure painter, and so desperate to see more of his work. Of course, Mister Shanzi himself holds a clear interest in Nie Huaisang, one that he has unwillingly transmitted to Meng Yao… But mister Shanzi is an odd man, and ordinary people cannot be compared to him.

For this reason, Meng Yao's first instinct upon being contacted by Lan Xichen had been suspicion. Mister Shanzi has his enemies, as Meng Yao knows well, and they try to act clever sometimes.

His second instinct, after a quick internet search, had been amusement. Surely nobody expected him to believe that this man, handsome enough to play the lead in a drama, was a mere university teacher.

A more thorough search had confirmed it though. Meng Yao knew enough about running a con to spot modified photos and fake credentials, and he had found none of that. Digging further, Lan Xichen appeared in the background of photos and was referenced here and there on relatives' social media, with no incoherence to the presentation he'd given in his email.

So Meng Yao had found himself intrigued, and offered to meet and chat.

A decision he half regrets now, because somehow, Lan Xichen is even more handsome in person. He is, in fact, the single most beautiful person that Meng Yao has seen in his life, easily outranking mister Shanzi who had reigned there supreme since the day Meng Yao met him during a con gone wrong.

"I am so glad you offered to meet me," Lan Xichen says with a warm smile. "I am really sorry that I was so insistent, but it is so rare for several of Nie Huaisang’s works to be in a single place."

“I understand,” Meng Yao replies, trying to match the warmth of that smile when he can’t help being a little dazzled by that handsome stranger. “Though at the moment, my employer is a little wary of showing any of those paintings in his possession until he has inspected them all again. It is very embarrassing that several fakes fooled him, and mister Shanzi wants to restore his reputation. He is still getting used to modern technology, and how much it has changed the art market in recent decades.”

Mostly, mister Shanzi complains a lot on the matter, and keeps saying he’s going to have to change career soon. Apparently, back in the days, it was much easier to sell a decent fake as long as you also sold enough real things. But now with age testing of the paper and analysis of the ink, it’s nearly impossible to do a good enough job.

Of course mister Shanzi could quite easily make as much money only selling legitimate art, he has the connections, the collection, and impeccable taste. So Meng Yao suspects it’s not just about money, and more about the twisted joy of deceiving others. He can't fault him for that.

“Yes, that makes sense,” Lan Xichen sighs. “I was fooled as well, so I understand the feeling. It’s so disappointing, but not unexpected. Nie Huaisang attracts forgers like no other artists.”

Meng Yao nods sympathetically. He’s heard mister Shanzi boast that well over half of Nie Huaisang’s paintings in circulation are copies he made himself, and perfectly undetectable unless one runs those ‘damn new tests’ on them.

“If I may be so bold, why the interest in that particular painter?” Meng Yao asks. “Surely you could have found someone less complicated to study.”

Rather than to answer immediately, Lan Xichen considers the question. He takes a sip of tea with more elegance than this café deserves, and Meng Yao is struck once more with the idea that this man should be acting in drama, not writing essays nobody will ever read. It’s easy to imagine Lan Xichen playing the role of a noble prince, or even a god.

“He’s just a fascinating character I suppose,” Lan Xichen says at last. “Outside of his art, we know so little about him. We don’t even know his real name.”

“What?”

Lan Xichen smiles, clearly very pleased to have gotten that reaction.

“He wasn’t born Nie Huaisang,” he explains. “That’s only his courtesy name. You see, he belonged to that… well, they called themselves a sect, though at the end of the day they were closer to nobility, with the same inheritance problems and power struggles. Still, Qinghe Nie held a number of beliefs, and one of them was that the birth name of its members had to be kept a complete secret… and Nie Huaisang is among those who succeeded at obeying that rule. So we don’t know his name, we don’t know his date of birth, and we don’t know how he died or when.”

“Is there anything that is known about him?” Meng Yao teases, more endeared and intrigued than he would care to admit.

Lan Xichen must notice, because he smiles again, as if delighted to have found someone willing to listen to his impromptu lecture.

“We know he was raised by his brother because their father died when they were young,” Lan Xichen says. “Well, half-brother. Nie Huaisang was the child of a concubine, or even of a servant. His father recognised him, but his legitimacy was called in question a few times. We know he survived a local insurrection nicknamed the Sunshot Campaign, though it’s unclear if he was old enough to have taken part in any fighting. His brother did though, with great success, but died without heirs a few years later and Nie Huaisang found himself in charge of a fief.”

He pauses there, his expression turning sadder, as if he were talking of a personal friend rather than a long dead man. Meng Yao finds it ridiculous and a little endearing.

“A few anecdotes from the lives of contemporaries tell us that he must have had a rough time at first,” Lan Xichen continues, “and he was suspected for a while of being implicated in the murder of the head of the Jin clan, but nothing ever came out of that. He’s just thirty at that point, still fairly young, and he lives on for another fifty, maybe sixty years… and we don’t know anything about what he does during that time. Nobody really talks about Qinghe Nie again until his successor rises to power and brings the clan back into the political sphere. Nie Huaisang’s life is a mystery. What little we think we know comes from the few poems he left, and whatever clues we can gather from his numerous paintings. Isn’t that fascinating?”

What’s fascinating, Meng Yao thinks, is the way Lan Xichen’s eyes light up when talking about something he’s passionate about. If it’s an act, then it’s an excellent one… but Meng Yao finds himself hoping that it’s sincere, that Lan Xichen really is just an odd man who is apparently half in love with a painter who died a millennium and a half ago.

There is no way that mister Shanzi would ever let anyone see his private collection. Even Meng Yao is barely allowed to go to his employer’s house, to avoid attracting attention to the place. Lan Xichen’s request is never going to be granted.

But it has been a long while since Meng Yao has been so intrigued by someone, not since first meeting mister Shanzi in fact. And mister Shanzi, in spite of the mutual attraction that Meng Yao knows to be there, has made it quite clear that he isn’t interested in anything but a professional relationship. Meng Yao has satisfied himself with that so far, because his life really is pretty good as it currently is, but Lan Xichen changes that. Surely there’s no harm in pretending that there’s a chance he might get to see the painting, at least until Meng Yao can decide if that too handsome man is trustworthy or not, dateworthy or not…

“It does sound interesting,” Meng Yao admits. “I’m sure mister Shanzi would…”

His phone starts vibrating, interrupting him. Meng Yao can’t help a slight frown, which turns to a deeper one when he sees the message he’s just received.

“Well, I have to go,” he sighs. “I’m really sorry. But… mister Lan, if I may be so bold, would you agree to exchanging numbers? That way we can continue talking about this more easily.”

“Yes, of course,” Lan Xichen replies. There is a trace of pink on his cheeks as he takes out his own phone, which Meng Yao finds both very fetching and rather encouraging.

He’ll have to be careful, this could be a trap, Lan Xichen might be an excellent actor, part of a team skilled enough to have fooled Meng Yao, but… but he might not be, too, and it would be a shame to miss this chance.

After having exchanged numbers and promised to be in touch soon, Meng Yao quickly heads home. He lives on the edges of the city, in a building that already looked ancient when he was a kid. Today’s a good day, because the lift is, in fact, actually working for once.

Upon getting to his floor, Meng Yao goes to knock on the door next to his. It opens nearly immediately.

“Meng Yao, you’re saving my life,” the young woman who lives there greets him. “I’m really sorry, I’ve tried everyone else, but I’ve been called in for an extra shift and I need the money so bad, I’ve had to buy her new shoes this month, and…”

“It’s fine, I don’t mind at all.”

His neighbour thanks him again, and rushes inside. She’s back quickly, her daughter in her arms. The child nearly throws herself at Meng Yao, and her mother runs off to work, leaving them alone.

“Well, Beastie, it’s just you and me,” Meng Yao says, walking to his door. “What are we going to do tonight?”

“Watch fighting movies! Eat candies!”

“And what will we tell mama we did?”

“Watch documentaries and eat greens and I went to bed and I was good!” The little girl roars.

Meng Yao laughs, and puts her down while he unlocks his door. Beastie runs inside to check the tv, while Meng Yao makes sure they actually have something to eat. He tries to keep his fridge full and his cabinet fuller, especially since Beastie has become a regular at his place. Her mother is a hard working girl who, like Meng Yao’s mother, got pregnant too young from a man who didn’t stick around. He used to babysit Beastie for extra cash before meeting mister Shanzi, and for some reason he never really stopped, even if he refuses to take money for it now. He just likes Beastie and her mom, and he remembers how much his own mother used to rely on neighbours too, whenever things became rough.

As Beastie and him settle down for the night, ready to watch one of those cheesy, over the top old kung-fu movies that they both love, Meng Yao gets a text from Lan Xichen, thanking him again for meeting him. After only the briefest of hesitations, Meng Yao quickly answers that he’s sorry he had to leave so fast, because he loved chatting with Lan Xichen. This prompts another text from the handsome teacher, to which Meng Yao replies as well.

His phone doesn’t stop buzzing all nigh, and Meng Yao doesn't stop smiling.

In the days and weeks that follow, Meng Yao and Lan Xichen manage to meet in person a few more times, and text nearly constantly. At their second meeting they’re still pretending that this is only about Lan Xichen’s research, but by the third one they start openly chatting about other things.

Lan Xichen is very open about his life, and everything he says fits with what Meng Yao had found during his initial investigation. He has a little brother nearly fifteen years younger than him who lives with him, he enjoys teaching and researching equally, he has a pet rabbit called Liebing he dotes on, he can’t handle spice at all, he has, in fact, been asked more than once if he was interested in a modelling or acting career but always refused because academia is his calling.

Meng Yao is more careful with the information he shares. He admits to having worked for mister Shanzi for nearly five years, but doesn’t elaborate on how they meet because that's not a story for honest people. He confesses he didn’t have any particular interest in art until taking the job, though he has tried to educate himself on the subject since then (Lan Xichen offers to go to a museum together someday, and to his own surprise, Meng Yao agrees). He doesn’t have pets, but he does have Beastie and he’s pretty sure that counts.

The way Lan Xichen’s eyes go soft over that… it does things to Meng Yao’s poor heart.

As does almost everything Lan Xichen does or says, in fact.

Meng Yao is half appalled at himself for how fast he’s falling for Lan Xichen. He tries to resist it, tries to be reasonable, but Lan Xichen just has to smile the right way, and Meng Yao’s heart flutters in his chest. He feels like a teenager with a crush.

He starts thinking like one, too.

Ever since meeting mister Shanzi, Meng Yao has been loyal to his employer. There is something about the man that demands it, and though he has never made threats of any sorts, Meng Yao can feel that mister Shanzi is not a man who takes kindly to betrayal.

And yet, it would be so easy to arrange for Lan Xichen to come to mister Shanzi’s home without his knowledge. Meng Yao is in charge of his employer’s schedule, so he knows where he is at any given time. He also has the keys to that isolated house in the middle of nowhere. It would be so easy, and Meng Yao has never been too good at resisting temptation.

At this point, he knows that if he tells Lan Xichen he won't see the paintings, the other man will be disappointed but will ask if they can keep seeing each other anyway. This isn't about finding a way to keep his attention: Meng Yao knows he has it already.

It's about Meng Yao guessing how happy Lan Xichen will be to see those paintings, and deciding surely that's worth the risk.

That’s how Meng Yao and Lan Xichen find themselves in a car one day, heading out of the city together. Meng Yao feels his skin buzzing with nerves, though every time he takes his eyes from the road to glance at Lan Xichen and finds him glowing and as excited as a child, he knows it was the right choice. It takes them a few hours to get to the house, which they spend chatting about a number of things. About midway through the trip, when they take a break, Meng Yao announces that due to a last minute problem, mister Shanzi won’t be able to meet them at the house, but welcomes them to check the paintings without him. Lan Xichen is of course disappointed and offers to try again another time, but Meng Yao convinces him it’s more convenient to go that day.

The house, hidden in a bamboo forest, takes Lan Xichen’s breath away when he discovers it, just as it did for Meng Yao the first time. It’s not particularly big or extravagant, but there’s something about it that makes Meng Yao’s heart ache every time he sees it, as if he’s known it before. It’s ridiculous, of course. He’d never really left the city before starting to work for mister Shanzi.

“It looks like home,” Lan Xichen whispers as he exits the car.

“Does your family have a place like that?”

Lan Xichen frowns, and shakes his head. “No, not at all. But it still feels like home. I can’t explain why… Ah, don’t mind me. Let’s just go inside.”

Meng Yao hides a smile and goes to open the door. In truth, he’d like to get this over with as quickly as possible. Mister Shanzi has no reason to be back from his trip until tomorrow, but Meng Yao won’t feel safe until they’ve left. It really is stupid to have come here at all, and even Lan Xichen’s happiness is starting to not feel worth the risk.

The house is quiet when they go in, and a little cold, making them shiver. It’s always fresh in there, which Meng Yao assumes is why mister Shanzi has taken to calling his home the Hanshi.

“It’s not a very welcoming name for a home,” Lan Xichen says as he looks around, sounding a little distracted.

“It’s not much of a home anyway. He doesn’t live here most of the time,” Meng Yao explains as they head for the kitchen. “It has his private collection, a few personal belongings, and that’s it. He prefers to stay with friends or at hotels if he can. Check the fridge and you’ll see how bad it is.”

While Meng Yao pours himself a glass of water, Lan Xichen does check the fridge, and finds it predictably empty except for some forgotten leftovers. Sometimes, Meng Yao suspects that mister Shanzi doesn’t eat at all unless he has company.

After taking a moment to rest from the long trip, Meng Yao takes Lan Xichen toward the workshop in the basement, where he knows his employer usually keeps the best parts of his collection, fake and authentic paintings carefully divided according to a system he taught to Meng Yao.

It really feels more and more like a betrayal to be doing this, but Lan Xichen is glowing, and mister Shanzi will never know.

Meng Yao starts opening the door.

His blood turns to ice when he realises that there’s light inside the room.

He thinks, for a second, to stop and run away while he can, but it’s too late already. Lan Xichen would ask questions, and he wouldn’t like the answers. It could save him from also dealing with mister Shanzi’s fury at least, but even that won’t be afforded to him. When Meng Yao peaks inside, mister Shanzi’s swivel chair is turning toward the door, with mister Shanzi sitting crossed leg in it and looking curiously at the intruders.

It is painfully obvious that mister Shanzi isn’t expecting visitors. Instead of the polished outfits he favours in public, he’s wearing a pair of novelty boxers with emoji on them, and a hoodie two sizes too big with ink stains on the sleeves. His long hair isn’t in a neat braid, but in a messy bun held in place by some cheap chopsticks. In short, mister Shanzi doesn’t look like the refined young man he endeavours to be when he has to show his face somewhere, and more like a college student who has forgotten the taste of any food except instant noodle and energy drinks.

That impression is only made worse by the headphones he’s now lowering, and the game console on his lap. They must have caught him taking a break.

“Meng Yao, why are you…” mister Shanzi starts asking, unfolding his legs so he can stand up, only to interrupt himself when his gaze falls on Lan Xichen.

His hands start shaking, badly enough that his console falls from his grip and onto the floor, its screen cracking upon impact.

“You!” mister Shanzi gasps, eyes wide with terror.

#xisangyao #xiyao #lan xichen #jin guangyao #xisang #mostly just hinted but still #jau writes #counterfeit au #next chapter will probably be pretty short

33 notes · View notes

ft-dads-au · 4 years

Text

Cat-alyst

Gratsu Week 2020 Prompt: “I’m ready to die if necessary” Pairing: Gray x Natsu

A Collaboration by @mdelpin and @oryu404

AO3 | FF.Net | Takes place after Break Free

Summary: Watching a horror movie late at night probably wasn't the best idea Natsu and Gray ever had. Combine that with scary noises coming from the basement and you have a recipe for a night neither one of them is likely to ever forget.

0-0

August 17, 2021

Natsu and Gray had just finished putting the kids to bed and were settling in for a quiet night at home. They had turned off all the lights to create ambiance; that part had been his bright idea. The blanket that covered them as they cuddled on the sofa watching TV had been Natsu’s. Gray wasn’t sure who had decided on the awful movie they were watching. It had probably been a result of their usual bickering and constant challenges. Either way, there they were watching a scary movie like two stupid teenagers, neither willing to admit that it was making them nervous.

Gray didn't know much about horror movies, but he could tell by the eerie background music that something terrible was about to go down. The first time it had happened had been funny, Natsu had squeaked loudly and leaped into his lap at the jump scare, and Gray had a great time mocking him, but now that was coming back to bite him in the ass. The suspense was killing him, and he held his breath as he watched the protagonist walk around her house.

Agonizingly slow, eyes wide open in fear, she reached the basement stairs and descended into the darkness. Gray found himself gripping Natsu tighter against him as if he were his only tether to reality. He tried to remind himself that it was just a damn movie by taking comfort in his boyfriend’s presence, solid and real by his side.

"Hello?" the young woman on the screen called out, her voice quivering in fear, "I-Is someone there?"

Gray held his breath as she took another step down, the old wooden stairs creaking beneath her weight. The camera focused on a dark corner of the basement, slowly zooming in while the ambient sounds that were giving him the creeps intensified, and then…

CRAAASH!

Gray jumped to his feet at the clatter, wincing as he heard the thud that immediately followed, realizing much too late that he’d just dropped Natsu on the floor. However, instead of the loud complaint that he’d expected, Natsu had only scrambled to his feet, his breathing shallow and fast.

“What was that?” he asked as his eyes darted around the ample open space of the first floor of his house.

“Probably just our overactive imaginations,” Gray chuckled nervously, “how about we watch something else?”

CRAAASH!

Jingle Jingle Jingle

“Overactive imaginations, huh?” Natsu grumbled as the jingling sound continued.

“Should we check it out?” Gray asked although he wanted nothing to do with whatever might be in the basement.

“Sounds like a great idea,” Natsu approved, “thanks for volunteering!”

Gray felt himself being nudged forward and instantly dug his heels, “Hell no! It’s your damn creepy house.”

“My house is not creepy!” Natsu huffed.

Gray raised an eyebrow as another noise rose from the basement. This one followed by even more crashes.

“Ugh, fine!” Natsu turned on the living room light and walked over to the small closet that sat at the bottom of the stairs. He opened the door and grabbed one of Erza’s foam practice swords, closing the door as quietly as possible.

He quickly walked back over to Gray and handed him the sword.

“Me? What do you want me to do with it?”

“I don’t know. You’re the big bad martial arts 100th level Master or whatever, go martial art!”

“That’s not even a thing, you dimwit,” Gray scoffed, looking at the foam sword with dismay. Seriously? What was he supposed to do with that? He gave a practice swish and reluctantly started to move forward, not wanting to look bad in front of his boyfriend.

It was at that moment that the protagonist let out a piercing, blood-curdling scream that made both of them jump again.

He handed the sword back to Natsu, “Fuck this, it’s probably nothing.”

The scream seemed to have affected whatever was downstairs as well because the noises started up again, that eerie jingling speeding up with every sound.

Natsu sweatdropped, “Are you for real?! Fat lot of good you are.”

“Hey, I’m injured, remember?” Gray pointed at his broken nose, a souvenir from seeing his ex the previous weekend.

He grabbed the TV remote from the sofa and turned off the TV, eliminating one source of stress as they debated what to do.

Natsu gazed at Gray in disbelief, sighing when he refused to budge, “Fine, I’ll go.”

He took two small steps, obviously waiting for Gray to change his mind or, at the very least, come with him. When neither happened, he turned to Gray, his eyes imploring, “I’m ready to die if necessary.”

“My hero,” Gray deadpanned, ignoring the blatant attempt at manipulation, he gave his boyfriend a small shove towards the door that led to the basement stairs.

“What in the world is going on down there?” They both looked up to see Erza coming down the stairs in her pajamas. “I could hear your bickering from my room. You’re going to wake up the kids.”

The warning came too late for the kids had already woken up. The sounds of little feet padding on the floor and coming out of their rooms attesting to that fact.

“I think there’s something in the basement,” Natsu informed his sister, having the decency to look embarrassed now that everyone was awake to witness their cowardice.

“I see,” Erza eyed both of them before shaking her head in disappointment at their behavior.

“Give me that.” She demanded her sword, and Natsu was quick to hand it over.

“I was just getting ready to go, you know,” Natsu protested, sounding much braver than he had just a minute earlier.

“Yes, I heard,” Erza smirked but refrained from saying anything else.

“Gray, why don’t you go check on the kids? Natsu, you’re with me.”

Natsu grabbed another sword from the closet, swinging it around as he followed his sister down the stairs, glaring when he noticed Gray laughing at him.

Gray hurried upstairs, herding the kids into Atlas’ room, which was the closest to the stairs. It wasn’t two minutes later when he heard an unmanly squeal.

There was a loud metallic sound followed by the sound of footsteps on the stairs.

“Everything’s fine, we found the culprit,” Erza called out, and there was something in her voice that piqued his interest. Was it amusement?

He hurried down the stairs, all three kids following close behind.

Erza was putting her swords back in the closet, and there was no mistaking the crinkling in her eyes. Gray turned to look for Natsu, who had yet to reach the living room.

“Where’s Natsu?”

“He’s having a little chat with our intruder,” was all she would say.

Gray was about to go after him when the basement door opened, and Natsu finally made an entrance holding a rather unhappy looking kitten by the ruff of its neck. The kitten had managed to get itself tangled up in some sort of Christmas decoration that was mostly made up of bells.

Jingle Jingle Hisss

Gray was about to tease his boyfriend when he noticed the scratches that littered his arms and hands, some deep enough to bleed. He set out to find some antiseptic instead. Natsu continued to hold the kitten speaking to it in a soft voice as Erza carefully freed it from its bonds. Once his part was over, Natsu handed the kitten over to his sister so she could examine it. Hana gasped loudly as she got a better look. She clapped her hands over her mouth in surprise before rushing over to Natsu and Erza. “Kitty!” she squealed in delight, bouncing on her feet. “It’s so cuuutteee!!! Can we keep it, Daddy?” “I don’t know,” Natsu thought aloud, “we’d probably need to get it checked by a vet, and we’ll have to buy all kinds of stuff for it...Pets are expensive…” Although he had a good point, Gray knew it the second Atlas, and Aki joined in with their oohs and aahs, and all three kids unleashed their combined attack of puppy eyes. Natsu was screwed. “Pleeaaassseeeee?” they all chorused, delivering the final blow, and judging by the defeated groan he let out, Natsu had accepted his fate.

“Your father is right,” Erza tried to intervene on Natsu’s behalf, “We can’t make that decision until we have a vet check to make sure it’s healthy.”

The kids groaned at her words, but they didn’t let that ruin their enthusiasm. Little hands reached out to pet the small creature who seemed to take the attention in stride for the most part.

Erza chuckled and carefully petted the kitten’s head. “It is cute, though, isn’t it?” she smiled as the kitten relaxed under her touch, offering her sweet little purrs in return.

Gray couldn’t help but agree. Even though its fur was matted down with dirt, it was a pretty blue-gray color, and now that it wasn’t scared anymore, the kitten was looking around curiously and mewling.

“Yeah, adorable,” Natsu grumbled under his breath, somehow managing to examine the scratches on his arms while deftly evading Gray’s advances with the antiseptic.

“Stand still,” Gray complained, “we need to get those cleaned up.” Natsu obeyed reluctantly, wincing at the sting of the antiseptic as Gray dabbed the scratches, “What happened anyway?”

“I forgot to close the bulkhead after I finished clearing the yard, apparently that hellion snuck in and knocked the Christmas decorations over.”

“Hellion? That little guy?” Gray couldn’t help but laugh at Natsu’s choice of word, “Don’t you think you’re exaggerating just a tad? Besides, you might as well get used to it. We both know you’re stuck with it now.”

Gray had always loved cats, and he was itching to get a closer look, so when he had finished tending to Natsu, he joined Erza in the kitchen, where she was giving the poor thing a warm bath in the sink while the kids watched in awe. He carefully extended his hand to let the kitten sniff him before attempting to pet it, quickly springing back when it hissed at him.

“You know, now that I think about it,” Natsu smirked at Gray’s wounded look, “I guess he’s not that bad.”

“Oh yeah? Let’s see if you still think that tomorrow when you’re getting a nice tetanus shot.”

“A what?!” Natsu complained, “You’re joking, right?”

“I suppose you don’t have to,” Gray shrugged, pretending to give the matter no importance, “You did say you were ready to die if necessary.”

“At least I wasn’t a big scaredy-cat, Mister it's your damn creepy house.”

“Oh, please, like you were any better. The only reason you went was that your sister didn’t give you a choice, and you know it.”

"Oh yeah? Let’s finish that movie and see who the bigger wuss is. You know, the one you turned off because you were too chicken to keep watching it!"

Gray was about to remind Natsu about who it was that had jumped into who’s lap when Erza put an end to their squabbling.

“That’s enough! You’re both wusses,” Erza retorted matter-of-factly.

“Honestly, getting so worked up over a little kitten. Here, hold it while I get the bathroom set up,” Erza handed the kitten over to Natsu and recruited Hana to find some dishes they could use for water and food.

“I didn’t notice any fleas, but we can’t let this little guy run around unsupervised all night,” Erza reported before running upstairs in search of some old towels and blankets.

Natsu nodded his understanding and grabbed the blanket from the couch, tossing it to Gray so he could spread it out on the floor. Once that was done, Natsu sat down and let the kitten walk around on the blanket.

Atlas and Aki soon wandered over, fascinated by the small creature, but to their great disappointment, it seemed to have eyes only for Natsu. It walked right up to him and sniffed him curiously before rubbing its head against his hand and licking one of his fingers.

Gray still had a hard time believing that the little guy had freaked them out so much, even though that stupid movie had been a significant factor. He watched a small smile spread across Natsu’s face at the gesture, and he felt all of his previous irritation vanish, replaced by a warmth in his chest that still caught him off guard after years of feeling nothing but sadness.

He joined them on the blanket, placing his arm around Natsu’s shoulders as Aki settled on his lap, shyly trying to pet the little cat and giggling when it purred in response.

Hana placed two small saucers at the edge of the blanket, one filled with water and another with tuna. She looked overjoyed when the cat went over to explore her offerings.

Gray watched the kitten devour the tuna messily, smiling at how easily Natsu had accepted the creature who had scratched the crap out of him. It reminded him of the way he’d accepted him despite how much of an asshole he’d been in the beginning.

Natsu was a lot of things. He was incredibly loud, loved to bicker about the stupidest stuff, couldn’t sit still to save his life most of the time. God, there were so many things about him that drove Gray completely up the wall. But for every one of those shortcomings, he had discovered a dozen other things that kept him coming back for more.

Real love is warm and unconditional.

Gray’s cheeks flushed as he remembered those words, spoken so earnestly just days earlier. Breathed into his skin and burned into his soul by the man he held in his arms. He hadn’t been capable of responding then, not with all the negative feelings that had been flowing through him after their encounter with Siegrain. Still, Gray knew he’d felt that warmth for a long time now— flowing through him as it cautiously worked its way to the surface, present in every one of their interactions until he felt heady with it. And he knew it was time to let go of his fear that once he said the words, they would be used against him again.

Gray gazed down at the man he’d fallen in love with - the one who had taught him so much about love from the moment he’d asked him to dance a year earlier, who was everything he could've ever dreamed of and more.

It was time to trust in what they had built together and finally make his feelings known.

“I love you,” he spilled quietly, but loud enough to know Natsu would hear him.

Natsu turned to him, and Gray could tell he was surprised by his sudden confession. His eyes glistened, and his face was swiftly turning a pleasing shade of crimson, but still, he managed a cheeky grin as he confessed his own feelings for Gray.

“I love you too, dumbass.”

Gray snorted, recalling how he’d responded to Natsu’s awkward confession when he’d returned from Crocus. “I suppose I deserve that.”

Natsu lay his head on Gray's shoulder, neither one capable of suppressing their smiles as together they watched the now tired kitten curl up in his lap.

"Alright, the bathroom is ready for our guest," Erza announced as she walked in, her expression once again turning into one of amusement when she saw them all sitting on the blanket. "What's with those goofy grins of yours?"

Their smiles widened as they looked at each other, "Oh, nothing," Natsu replied, “ Just happy, that's all."

#fairy tail #ftdadsau #gratsu #gratsuweek2k20 #ftlgbtales #Gratsu Week 2020 #prompt: I'm ready to die if necessary #gray x natsu #fics

22 notes · View notes

a-luyarus · 3 years

Text

2020 Art Recap

my art recap for this year! each month i chose my personal favorite and what i believed to be my best art piece and compiled it into one series!

this was one crazy year for many reasons, but i’m very grateful it allowed me to discover my love for digital art. more info about each month under the cut!

january [19th] - the first drawing on here came only a couple weeks after receiving the ipad that i do my digital art on now. i had always been super interested in trying it out and decided to just dive right in!

feburary [15th] - before doing digital art, i mostly did water color things and only really knew how to draw girls. this face is sort of a representation of that, as well as showing how i fell in love with features such as layers and fun brushes.

march [29th] - part of my end goal with my art is creating my own webcomic, and this is the first inkling of that. i wanted to try learning proper paneling and how to create an overall composition, even in a one off page.

april [4th] - this drawing is, admittedly, partially traced from a stock image i found. quarantine was well underway at this point, so i decided i was gonna learn a bunch of art basics with this newfound time i had, starting with better anatomy.

may [20th] - drawing dudes! before this piece, i practiced drawing dudes until i was at least a little bit comfortable with basic masculine proportions. i also started having a bit more fun with layer types and the cool effects they could give.

june [19th] - i didn’t draw much this month, and this was really the only image i could find that was even semi-finished. i spent most of my time writing and doing quick concept things that never really turned out great.

july [5th] - i’m still very proud of this piece, and i think it showed a big jump in my own art confidence taking on interactive posing, different ages, and a background all at the same time. i also started having a bit of fun with how i could layer line art and improved my cell shading a lot.

august [18th] - i did a lot of art in august and really built off of the skills i developed the month previously, including improved proportions, cell shading, and line confidence. i still love this piece a lot and there are certain things i could never replicate from it, even today.

september [12th] - school started this month and i think it shows in this piece, both with how rushed the final product is and my general unhappiness surrounding it. however, it was still a very important piece of art because it was the first time i attempted a different style of shading and a complicated, textured background.

october [13th] - for a bit, i stopped experimenting and just honed the skills i already had. however, by the end of the month in an image i didn’t feature, i learned a way to use more broad brushstrokes to create dramatic lighting to change the overall mood of a piece.

november [10th] - i did the most art this month than any other in the year (although, because december hasn’t finished yet, this title may be beaten). i found art became my coping mechanism and my favorite way to express myself even when school got really stressful. as for my technical skills, i learned how to do lineless art, i found a new shading style i fell in love with, and started taking full advantage of layer types to the best of my ability. november was a huge month of experimental projects and successes.

december [13th] - although at the time of writing this, december hasn’t finished, i really think it may end up being my best month for art. i’ve done my best honing what i’ve learned and what i’ve found works best for me when creating art. and though my confidence has been very up and down this year, looking at this improvement now in december is extremely encouraging.

if anyone read all this, wow that’s extremely impressive, and thank you!! i’ve had a blast this year just putting myself out there and really finding a love for this medium of creation and i can’t wait to see what the next years have in store!! happy new year everyone and good luck with your creative endeavors as well!

4 notes · View notes

commandermardukas · 5 years

Text

My unsugarcoated thoughts on Saezuru 36

**These are my raw and unsugarcoated thoughts on a chapter that breaks my heart. **

He obviously switched tastes and now likes men who are big and quiet and shy and blushy and that is now his definition of cute. In other words “Doumeki”.

And then the narration confirmed that “time flew by since that day”… But well I am still on THAT day. Apologies to the narrative voice but just like our main characters, I, a reader, (an outsider to all of this but very much invested nonetheless) am still very much stuck to that day thank you very much. If me an outsider is like this, what more that’d be for Yashiro and Doumeki. They must be frozen, petrified and stuck soooo deep on that day.

Nanahara is a nanny, a mommy and a very good aniki to have stayed beside Yashiro through everything. Very loyal. Yashiro could be in an even worse state without him there.

Sugimoto is a Uni graduate. I am very interested and wouldn’t mind to have a Sugimoto spin off / backstory please.

A former Matsubara guy who was an old fuck buddy. Same era as Ryuuzaki? Is the dude going to play a big role in the next chapters?

And is he being shown as an example of someone who got out of the organization but as described he is still in that kind of line of business. Shady and sketchy still. Not really got out and go on a clean living of a normal dutiful citizen.

Is this a reminder of how Yashiro described being in that world is: “It sucks you in like a famous prostitute”

Misumi is a hot daddy and I’m sure I’d be happy to read a spin off featuring his adventures with his sugar babies(?). Buuuut I am not happy with what happened in his talk with Yashiro. I am unhappy that he doesn’t want to let go of Yashiro and continue to hold him and claim him as his possesion and wants him to go fully back in their organization. I am not happy (but who cares if I’m happy or not, art is not democracy and my vote doesn’t count). But maybe he got his own reasonable touching loving reasons. Who knows… even Amou probably doesn’t clearly know.

Yashiro staying or leaving is always related to his love. He says he doesn’t know love but he feels it oh sooo deeply and intensely. Chapter 1 shows us the same scene of Misumi wooing Yashiro to his side.

But Yashiro then doesn’t want to move his ass, doesn’t want to leave that place because there is someone he doesn’t want to leave. He wants to hold on and stay with Kageyama.

Jump to chapter 36 and we have the same exact scene. Misumi wooing him back to his side but Yashiro again doesn’t want to move. This time it’s the opposite. He doesn’t want to go back to that place. He doesn’t want to stay in one place. He wants to leave. Why though? Is it because he and Kageyama already had their closure and his long time unrequited love for him ended? There’s no more reason to stay there. And it could also be because Doumeki is there.. his new love or that someone he has conflicted complicated feelings with. And he doesn’t want to have something holding him back again. He is afraid. He wants to leave as he avoids this time the person he loves. And this is the perfect term.. running away.

He doesn’t want to be owned again by Misumi ever since chapter 1. He has been dodging him for 4 years already. The old man is persistent with this courtship.

And then the time skip is reiterated again this time by Misumi’s voice and this time with an exact number. 4 years. 4 &$@^!*%@&× years. I have not yet moved on. I am still not over the “acceptance with grace” stage. I will maybe in time (give me 4 years too maybe?)

“You’ve worked yourself tirelessly in these past 4 years. Isn’t it high time you returned? Word on the street is that you’ve amassed yourself a ton of really dirty money” and Yashiro answered “Not to worry. I’ve laundered it as capital to a legit business so it can’t be traced.”

Let’s go back to chapter 2 Yashiro said “But to get out you’ll have to work a bit harder”

So is this why Yashiro worked tirelessly? He worked hard. He wants to get out. He wants to try legit. Our dear bird is trying. Let him fly out Misumi. For fuck’s sake he is 40 now.. Life begins at 40 so they say. For once.. Let him live a life he wants.

When Misumi still insisted, that’s when Yashiro smiled and changed into a provoking topic..

with Yashiro’s personality.. was he mad at Misumi’s insistence and dismissal of what Yashiro is trying to say that he wants to go being civilian.

His adamant face. His refusal to answer.

His laugh. And his sad smile.

Again I am not happy with Misumi’s slaps and “strip”, declaration of possesion and violent outburst in general (but again who cares about my vote and I’m just really bias and protective of this lost bird Yashiro). But Yashiro likes that violent streak. Or does he genuinely still?

Aaaand Amou. Amou. Amou. Amou. I’d like to pierce through that poker face. But well this little thought bubble is a little crack.

Amou has his own opinions. Amou has his own motives. Amou has his own possessiveness. Amou has his own jealousy perhaps. But Amou is not a bad person. What kind of love he has for Misumi I wish I know. What is his motive with Yashiro I also wish to know. But there is something in me that believes he is not wanting anything bad for Yashiro or Doumeki. I believe he is not a bad person.

I think car interiors are a good place to think about things. Love.. life.. secrets.. regrets..

“Even if it’s very unlikely, I won’t forgive him”… who is “him”? - Yashiro who will not return.. or Doumeki who opened Yashiro’s heart and made him think that he wants to strive for a different path.

Yashiro likes to think about love and life inside cars. Go back to chapter 4 and pensive Yashiro is thinking about Kageyama.

Jump to chapter 36 and pensive Yashiro is thinking about Doumeki (at least that’s my interpretation)

That eye can no longer see anything. And the last image burned into those eyes are maybe of Doumeki saving him, Doumeki getting hurt and almost died, and Doumeki at the hospital.

“The things I already gave up on at that time are still left here in this world.” This sounded so sad.. I read this and felt that he was left with his life which he was already throwing away that time and also with “feelings” that he wants to deny. He was left suffering with both.

And we have this… this is the page I almost did not want to see.

Why… Why Inami of all people.

My raw and unorganized thought on this is: So Inami is like Bran Stark and think of Yashiro’s ass as the throne. He became the king of Yashiro’s ass for these f******* 4 years. While Doumeki is the Jon Snow getting exiled outside the wall after all he’s done to protect/claim that ass throne and almost getting killed by helping to put down the undead king Hirata. All he got at the end are more scars and he became a living dead and became the very good boy to Tsunakawa. (This is probably my most unsugarcoated words in this. Sorry not sorry but I get really emotional - emotionally very angry - with the sight of Inami and what he do to Yashiro. Feasting on Yashiro being at his beck and call with his power on information and being the person who can exhaust Yashiro)

Give me Tsunakawa spin off I’d love it. And some background story too of his association/friendship with Amou.

And I’d love to see the years Doumeki spent with him if an honor and privilege will be given to see a flashback and have knowledge of that time that was skipped. So did Doumeki’s additional scars come from saving the kidnapped kid? A heroic… or suicidal deed? How many fingers does he still have? Was an additional finger cut off because the kid got kidnapped on his watch or at least he was one of the bodyguards? And he rushed head on (literally) to save the kid?

Doumeki grew old but doesn’t look like he grew up in life in a positive way. He is not the same baby bird Doumeki. He is not the cute Doumeki anymore. (And that makes me really sad. Maybe someday when it’s just the 2 of them he’ll have moments where he goes to being cute Doumeki again.. someday.. I hope so) But right now, this is a Doumeki whose life was sucked out of him, a man living in guilt perhaps (what with Nanahara’s words to him in the hospital rooftop), a living dead, a despairing man, a lost bird with no light to follow.

Kageyama once told Doumeki about Yashiro’s self destructive nature and that he feels like for Yashiro time stopped in his teens. Kage is right, and until now things are like that. And as for Doumeki he is back to being an empty shell. And them taking that downward plunge really broke my heart.

#saezuru tori wa habatakanai #saezuru thoughts #this is long coz it broke my heart

252 notes · View notes

doomedandstoned · 5 years

Text

Closer To The End (part III)

I contend that human beings are not suited for the world we've fashioned for ourselves. Cases of anxiety and depression are practically ubiquitous, and suicide in all age groups is once again on the rise. Some will suffer mental afflictions that last years -- perhaps even for a lifetime. This is the third and final part of my story.

~By Billy Goate~

Cover art by Ruso Tsig additional art by Karl Briullov

I'm so tired of hearing that I'm wrong Everyone laughs at me, why me? I'm so tired of being pushed around I feel like I've been betrayed

youtube

We take each other's love, forget to give back Isn't it a pity, how we break each other's hearts I know we're only human and not to blame But who the hell are you to cause so much pain Why...

MEDICATION

My parents have been anti-establishment for as long as I can remember. In the climate of the 1980s, the institutions of the day were being called seriously into question. One of them was the authoritarian nature of public education (there's a reason why Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall" resonated so strongly with people). It's no surprise that my family got caught up in the first wave of the homeschooling movement. Other areas of modern life began to be called into question, as well, taking the family down a dark, windy road that led into conspiracy culture, extreme libertarianism, and religious dogmatism.

This distrust of the "experts" put us at odds with the medical establishment, too. "Doctors only know how to do two things," mom would often proclaim loudly in one of her famous rants, "cut you open or prescribe you pills." Natural medicine held the keys to recovery from all ills, be it cancer or the common cold. "All those chemicals aren’t good for your body," she insisted. "God put everything we need for healing in the ground." I’m not here to knock naturopathy (I was an ardent follower of this way of life for years) nor my mother for her convictions, but there are some things that can’t be cured by Saint John's Wort and herbal tea -- major depression being one of them.

At one point, my anxiety, melancholy, and a generalized feeling of social isolation reached such a heightened state I turned to hypnotism, enamored by an obscure radio program hosted by Roy Masters and his Foundation for Human Understanding. I was too young to understand the significance of most of the bullshit he was spewing, but it was the comprehensive approach to life that appealed to me. I wanted answers -- all of them. About the only thing I got out of it, though, was learning how to make my own arm go numb through self-hypnosis.

Later, I'd get caught up in a movement of Biblical counseling that rejected psychiatry altogether. "Christ has given us all things we need for life and godliness," says the holy writ, ergo we need none other than Jesus to cure our mental ills. Furthermore, the thesis said, since "God has not given us a spirit of fear" it must mean that the root of depression and anxiety is ultimately sin against God. The answer? Confess your sins and walk by faith, not by sight. In short, pray the sadness away. All of this had limited effectiveness in coping with the claustrophobic cloud of melancholy that was constantly with me.

Cough & Windhand: Reflection of the Negative by Windhand

The stigma of psychiatry and modern medicine kept me from treating my depression for damn near a decade. Somewhere in my late twenties, after a prolonged and particularly dark depressive spell, I decided to talk to my medical doctor about antidepressants. He started me on the industry standard, the well-known and well-marketed Prozac, which became a household name in the '90s. I took the first dose at bedtime and when I woke up, I was seriously hating the daylight. Feeling extraordinarily fatigued, all I wanted to do was sleep. I called in a rare sick day from work. The next day I was feeling groggy, but well enough to return. Giving it the good ol' college try, I took Prozac for several weeks as directed, but the side-effects just weren't worth it for me. That’s when I was referred to my first psychiatrist.

It was a weird feeling sitting in the waiting room for my appointment. I felt like I’d joined the ranks of the fragile, broken, and confused, perhaps even the insane. It was hard for me to see myself sharing anything in common with the others that shared the tiny lobby. The psychiatrist who greeted me looked like a regular chucklehead -- you know, one of those sidekicks from a sitcom that's not coming to me now. (It just came to me: Glen from the Tom Green Show.) A paunchy man in his 30s with wavy dirty blonde hair parted to the side donning wire-rimmed glasses, the shrink pulled out a notebook and started asking me about my background, while he busily took notes. Turned out, the man was very methodical in his approach. Over the course of the year, we cycled through all kinds of drugs -- Paxil, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Zoloft, and a lot of other names I'm not remembering, before finally settling on Cymbalta.

Certainly, this was something I didn't want to share with my coworkers, much less mom and dad. The first time I told my brother I was taking antidepressants, he was outraged. “You don’t need that stuff in your body. You don’t need pills to feel good.” I don’t know what it is about antidepressant medication that offends people so badly, but some people feel it is their personal mission in life to get you off of them. Why all the evangelical fervor? Are they secretly afraid they are "nuts," too? It’s not like I’m trying to get everyone else to take my medication, but suddenly these people, well-meaning or not, are trying to get you off of your meds.

I’ve seen YouTube videos from a guy claiming that God has cured him of his bipolar disorder and he flushed all his pills down the toilet (bad idea, by the way). Then a month later, he comes back online crying uncontrollably, talking about how he feels like God is testing him and asking viewers to pray to stop Satan’s onslaught. Moral of the story: It's dangerous to let people's religious opinions and untested hunches drive the agenda for our mental health.

I'm very reluctant these days to talk to anyone about my depression, because of all the rush to judgement involved. Ironically, it's this breakdown of community that I believe is at the heart of much of our mental health issues as a society. Look at the comments on any confessional video addressing burnout, depression, or anxiety and you'll find everyone is suddenly an expert who knows so well the precise and perfect solution to your problems. Well-meaning or not, it's incredibly annoying and I'd rather not have trouble with it. Hell, it took me two years to finish this article.

Depressed people are often viewed with the same cynical dismissiveness ascribed to angsty hormonal teens. "It's just a phase, you'll get through it," you're told with the reassuring wave of a hand. Besides, they remind you, "Happiness is a choice!" Because they are feeling chipper today, they have little patience for you dampening their mood. Others call you edgy when you say the pressures of life are so great that you feel like just turning off the lights on all of it. Still others will view you as selfish for leaving the family reunion early (or not wanting to participate in holidays at all). When you spend the whole weekend in bed sleeping, they'll accuse you of being indulgent, not realizing sleep gives you a respite from the hurt, guilt, and regret of painful memories or the misery of an unstable home life. Or the well-meaning "It Gets Better!" It doesn't always get better as life moves on.

Then there are those who try to talk you off your meds, entirely (cue: the ridiculously overwrought Facebook posts). We've all been privy to those conversations that strike a conspiratorial tone about how it was really the pharmaceutical companies that led to Chris Cornell's death. "You should just get off the stuff," they argue -- be it from noble intentions or just pride from clinging to an opinion they've stubbornly invested in.

Then there are those who are convinced that since Jesus (or Buddha, Allah Oprah, Jordan Peterson or juicing) gave them an escape from their depression, certainly it is the universal cure for all that ails you. Understand that I was a committed Christian for decades. I know what it is like to feel spiritually serene and I value many of the things the church gave me as a young adult, namely the fellowship, tolerance, and love. I know the feeling of peace that comes from believing in someone who reigns over the chaos and cares about your every need -- an ultimate being who will make sense of the nonsense one day.

I don't wish to diminish anyone's faith or diminish your personal experiences. The fact is, however, that major depression is as much a physical illness as cancer is. Certainly, there are transitional feelings of unhappiness, emptiness, and despair that come from facing situations that seem out of one's control -- the nightmare roommate, being laid off from a job, losing a loved one. It's also true that in most cases, this sadness can be overcome by a new perspective, trying better strategies, or simply allowing the passage of time to do its healing work. Depression can be impacted by one's beliefs, but there is a kind of depression that exists independently of one's perspective on life.

SUICIDAL TENDENCIES

Apart from this series of articles (which took me a good two years to publish), I've stopped sharing my depression with other people. It's annoying, because most people don't know how to listen and empathize. They want to jump in with a solution that, if implemented by nightfall, just might make a difference by daybreak. It's just more hassle than it's worth. Over time, I've gone from being someone with an intense need to belong, to not caring what people think about me at all. I'll often go out of my way to avoid anything deeper than transactional relationships. Once a social butterfly, you'll find me quite the hermit these days. As a consequence, while I was once open to sharing my feelings of loneliness and despair, I rarely mention them any more on social media and practically never to my IRL friends. I would be the last person to call a suicide hotline, by the way. Judge me if you wish, but I'm just being honest. If you want to know what is going on in the head of a severely depressed person with suicidal ideation, here's a least one brain you can peer into.

There's a general consensus that suicide is a selfish decision, even a cowardly act. This was a casual opinion of my own for years, as well. Not until suicide touches someone in your life -- or when you enter its despondent realm yourself -- does the ridiculousness of that notion becomes apparent. Understand that for a person to commit suicide, they have to overcome the brain's own strong predilection for self-preservation. It's not so easy to take the step of ending your life. Something has gone terribly wrong with the brain's ability to convincingly cry, "STOP!" for that to happen.

In my worst bout of depression, following the demise of long-term relationship, I reached the point where every waking moment was sheer misery. Some call this anhedonia -- the inability to feel pleasure. Normally, when we are feeling blue, we seek out something to stimulate our pleasure receptors. That's why ice cream, chocolate, and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are popular go-tos for the bummed out. For me, it's always been music and movies. On this particular week, though, I had somehow lost the capacity to find any joy whatsoever in the usual pastimes. Anything that attempted to pacify my mood met with my contempt. The only thing I could do to escape the agony of just being alive and conscious was to sleep...and sleep I did. At first 8 hours a night, up from my usual 7. Then it advanced to 9, 10, 11, 12 hours. When dawn came, a wave of misery washed over my mind again.

Once, I woke up feeling so despondent that I knew with absolute clarity that I could end my life. Today, I could actually do it. Immediately upon this realization, I wept bitterly. I've not cried like that before or since. If anything, I've become more stoic about the idea of suicide. Don't get me wrong, my internal sense of self-preservation is still quite strong. The problem is that in moments of severe depression, that instinct is dampened. You'll do just about anything just to get rid of the feeling of misery making it unbearable to be awake.

DOOM AWAKENING

One of the most important developments in treating my depression, besides medication and therapy, was the discovery of doom. There's an old expression that misery loves company. I don't know about you, but when I listen to music it's not generally to cheer me up. No, I want my tunes to have a certain level of commiseration with what I'm feeling and going through at the time. When I discovered (quite by accident) Saint Vitus, I knew I'd found my soul food. I can't fully explain that eureka moment when Dave Chandler belted out that first downtuned note on the guitars on "Born Too Late" or when Wino joined with plaintive lyrics for "I Bleed Black." This resonated with me powerfully. It brought chills. This was medicine for my weary head, a kind of mental morphine to dull the pain. I'd come to the Roseland Theater for Down and left with Saint Vitus.

As a funny aside, my roommate (who accompanied me to the show) and I rehashed the bands of the night, giving our two cents on this or that. One thing he said still makes me smile a little inside. "What did you think of Saint Vitus?" I asked. "I don't think they're the kind of band that will withstand the test of time," he remarked. "Well," I rejoined, "they have been playing now for over 30 years and were the co-headliners on a national tour, so their sound must be resonating with a good number of people." Sure, it wasn't for everyone, but on that night my doom had come.

Every song on 'Born Too Late' (1986) so perfectly captures the malaise of the deeply wounded soul, not just in lyrics but in the whole vibe. There's a thick, smoky haze permeating the record and it reminds me a lot of what it feels like after you've poured out your heart until you've got no more tears left to cry. Come on, don't pretend you're so macho that normal human emotions elude you. It's hard to put doom into words, but I'll try: on the one hand you feel emotionally exhausted because you've emptied out all those pent up feelings of loss, fear, regret, and frustration, on the other hand there's a feeling of "reset" and it often makes things much clearer to sort through. For me, when I've exhausted all my emotional resources, I'm left with a feeling of blithe acceptance. A sense of being dealt a set of cards by the impartial hand of fate. That's the kind of vibe that Saint Vitus captures perfectly for me on this record.

youtube

I spent entire weekends on those long, wonderful rabbit trails of discovery. "Dying Inside" led me to Trouble's "The Tempter" with its oh-so-tragic central riff. Lyrically, the songs I was running across could not have been more apropos.

Pentagram, The Skull, and Candlemass were not lingering far behind. Then came the more recent monoliths of doom: Electric Wizard, Windhand, High on Fire, Burning Witch, Khanate, Pilgrim, Serpentine Path, Usnea, Demon Lung, Ancient VVisdom, Dopelord, and the NOLA sludge scene, along with lesser known but equally as powerful acts like Undersmile, Shepherd's Crook, Reptile Master, Purple Hill Witch, Witchthroat Serpent, March Funèbre, Beldam, Hooded Priest, Regress, and 71TONMAN (listen to the Spotify playlist).

Doom metal spoke to me with a sharp realism that I connected with immediately. When you have no strength left to get angry at the world, you switch your listening habits from Car Bomb to Cough. You can say, I suppose, that doom was my salvation. It kept me hanging on a little while longer. The salve of those slow, low riffs gave me a strange feeling of consolation. "We know life sucks, too. Welcome to reality." It's like being awakened to the Matrix, but feeling there's not a damned thing you can do to change any of it. Your fate is sealed. It's an honesty that is both refreshing and freeing, I suppose, though one does wish to reclaim the notion of hope.

Believe it or not, even after writing all of this, optimism is my default mode. When I'm feeling well, and even when my depression is at low levels, the needle always leans towards inspiration, creativity, even a mischievous sense of humor and an aw, shucks smile that people tend to notice. I don't want to be depressed. The problem is that severe depression can make you feel, illusion or not, like you're paralyzed from doing anything about it.

As I've experienced more and more cuts and scrapes of life, I've become increasingly numb to it all, like the massive build-up of scar tissue. Things that upset me easily in the past might still hurt, but I've come to expect them, so they have the impact of a dull table knife. Perhaps I'm becoming a nihilist, despite my optimistic tendencies. It's hard not to be. Don't worry about me, though. If anything, I want to stick around to see what's going to happen next. It's the inborn curiosity we all have inside of us -- the same thing that I imagine kept Stephen Hawking going for decades after being wrecked by a disease that cruelly mangled his body into its famously misshapen form, stealing away his most basic expressive freedoms -- save for the power of his eyes and the thoughts behind them.

I've also made a deliberate attempt to pursue treatment (both psychiatric and psychological care) for my depression, which I urge you to do if you are likewise laboring under its crushing weight. The perspective of time, coupled with a remedy for mind and body can have a significant impact on your perspective, if not your life circumstances.

THE WINDY ROAD AHEAD

Learn from your mistakes, don't dwell on them. Repeated affirmations like this one may seem trite, but they are ultimately true. You can be free from the chains of guilt and move forward, as one performer puts it, "from strength to strength."

Don't kill yourself (literally or metaphorically) for someone else or for someone else's decisions. It may bum you out that a roomie decided to take your money and run or that you were rebuffed by a long-time crush or made jobless through corporate-wide cuts. You don't own that, they do.

Walks

Get off the couch, move that bod. Something as simple as a walk down the block or a drive out of town can do wonders for your perspective. As a homeschool teen living under the strict rule of a radical fundamentalist household in rural East Texas, my one salvation were those long walks in the open field -- especially when my parents started having loud, intense fights related to my mom's own mental health. I sorted through so many of life's problems (most of which seemed much larger then than they do now) through those solitary, hour-long strolls.

I really miss that where I live now, in a more congested neighborhood, so I have to find other ways of getting away from it all (getting up and out a half-hour before the other walkers, for instance, helps). Even if I don't want to rustle myself awake and move around to do as simple a task as taking out the trash, sometimes the feeling...let me revise that...quite often the feeling follows after the decision has been made and the body is in motion.

Projects

Another piece of advice I have for coping with depression is to channel your frustrations in projects. When I'm depressed, I throw myself into my work. Hell, Doomed & Stoned started because I needed a project to pour myself into. My counselor asked me once, "If you woke up tomorrow without depression, what would be different about your world?"

She encouraged me to start with the things that were in my immediate vicinity. "Well, there wouldn't be mail strewn all over the floor. My dirty clothes would be in the hamper, my clean clothes folded and put away. I'd take the time to cook myself a meal, instead of running out the door eating a quick bite out of some package."

Good, let's make a list and start there. Do at least one of the things on your list between now and the time we meet again next week.

Talks

Despite my isolationist ways, I begrudgingly admit that talking often helps, too. Though I'm an introvert and am horrified at the idea of sharing my feelings with others, I've reached points in my depression where I was compelled to tell others about it. It's as natural to do that as to cry out when your body is experiencing jolting pain. I'm one of those verbal processors that tends to sort through my problems by talking to someone else. Often, pride or shame or lack of trust gets in the way of sharing with our family and friends, so at the very least the much talked about Suicide Prevention Hotline could actually help you gain perspective on your situation.

Journals

If you don't talk, at least journal. Again, I'm not a journaler and this is the first time in almost three decades that I've written about anything related to my depression. Role play with me. You're a scientist studying the human psyche. How would you describe those feelings you call depression? When I was first asked to describe it to a counselor, I found myself at a loss for words. She helped me with prompts:

Can you tell me what it feels like?

"I walk around feeling like a dark, thick raincloud is hovering all around me all the time."

Do you feel it in a part of your body?

"Well, yeah, I guess. The head. And the chest. It feels like there's pressure building from all around me, like my head is going to explode. My heart feels like it's going to leap out of my chest."

What's happening around you when these feelings arise?

I'd then go on to detail some recent happenings. She'd press me further to describe the kinds of thoughts racing through my head in these situations. All of this was really helpful in getting me to define this nebulous, gray malaise that was following me everywhere I went.

I don't keep a journal, per se. Something about it feels needlessly egotistical, a vain attempt to reinforce the illusion in our YouTube fame crazy world that my life is worth discovering and remembering at some point in the distant future. And yet, writing down one's thoughts can be another effective way of untangling that anxious ball of feelings that keeps me from thinking rationally about the depression I'm feeling.

Today is my birthday, but I couldn't care less. It's not about getting old. I stopped caring about that 10 years ago. It's something about celebration, specifically when the attention is on me. I can't adequately describe how contemptuous I find it. My last birthday was spent alone in an empty house and a bottle of Scotch, catching up with past seasons of Game of Thrones. I was so glad it was over and the happy birthday wishes stopped. There's nothing special about this day for me.

At some point, my family stopped celebrating birthdays and holidays. I'm not sure when it happened or why. Certainly not for religious reasons, more probably for financial ones. I grew up in a family that barely scraped by, so birthdays seemed a luxury we couldn't afford. Now, it just feels indulgent. More than that, it feels sad. It reminds me of all the disappointments, hurts, and failures of the past year. It's not as though it's all bad, of course. If nothing else my birthday gives the illusion that a chapter has turned, with new possibilities for the future. I also have to come to terms with how many people out there actually seem to care about me, maybe even love me.

And later that day, I forced myself to go to a show I was quite enthused about, but didn't factor in depression being the party pooper.

I can't account for what it is that comes over me. There are people here that genuinely like me, who probably even want to get to know me better, but I push them away. Not so much directly, but indirectly, by excusing myself to use the restroom and then changing my mind midway and just leaving the venue -- without even the courtesy of a "goodbye" to friends or a "great show" to the bands. I feel awful about it afterwards, but in that moment it's like a flood of emotional pain washes over me and it feels like I'm carrying an anchor chained around my neck. I feel the great urge to find my way to unlit corners. To look busy and preoccupied. Would it hurt me to say hello? To smile? Perhaps not, but right now my psyche is tingling like some kind of Spidey Sense telling me, "Get out of here! Just get your shit and leave...NOW."

As dour and hopeless as that may feel, just the act of writing it down afforded me a release, which incidentally I did not feel until the writing was all said and done.

Hope, a new beginning Time, time to start living Just like just before we died

youtube

Hurt, falling through fingers Trust, trust in the feeling There's something left inside There's no going back to the place we started from.

ONE MORE THING

For those of you who are wondering what you can do for a friend, family member, coworker or just someone you know casually from shows you both frequent, I couldn't say it better than one of my longtime fellow travelers in doom, who offered up this advice:

"While it's all very well and fucking dandy that there are so many people telling those who are struggling to reach out to them, I don't think people are quite understanding just how mental illness works sometimes. People quite often don't reach out, because those that are suffering from mental illness, at times, feel like they are a burden by unloading their shit onto someone else, despite the invitation to do so. It's generally the same concept that leads on to suicide.

I obviously can't speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself when I say the last thing I want to do is reach out to anyone because I feel like I am a burden and everyone would be better off without me -- and that is ultimately why I don't reach out. The point that I'm trying to get at is if you see someone struggling YOU reach the fuck out. If you don't see someone who used to be around, YOU reach the fuck out. Think about it. It's not that hard."

Well said and completely on the mark. At the same time, if you're feeling alone and uncared for, you may look at people’s lack of inquiry as more confirmation that you are worthless trash. You may interpret a busy person's slight as utter rejection. Don't worry about what others may or may not think of you. You need to take care of you, for you. The future is fickle. Your fortunes can change on a dime, so why base your self-worth and your decision about whether to live or die by how you feel right now? Ride it out, seek out help, get a game plan in play.

I say this as someone who knows how hard it can be to get mental health. I was double insured -- through my employer and the Veterans Administration -- and I couldn't get a god damned psychiatric appointment to reevaluate and adjust my meds. I called all over town trying to get in with someone. "Sorry, we're not accepting new patients" was the universal refrain. The VA would just be too many month's wait, I told myself, based upon how long it has taken me in the past to get a conventional medical appointment. In desperation, I called up my primary care doctor who asked if I was suicidal. For the first time in my life, I knew with full certainty the answer was yes. The more miserable I felt, the more I contemplated dying. If I did it, it would be something quick and sudden, I would daydream in my most despondent moment. "You need to check yourself into the hospital now," she told me adamantly. I did exactly that. I walked into the ER and told them I was suicidal. They led me to a room, had me take off all my clothes, and put on a hospital gown. I stayed in a padded room waiting for a social worker to see me. It was a desperate move, but it did pay off in getting me fast-tracked to see a psychiatrist.

One thing I learned about medication from my new psychiatrist (because he was very caring, very careful, and hence very effective at his job) is that everyone’s brain chemistry is uniquely different. There can be other issues impacting mood, too, such as thyroid, environmental stressors, sleep problems, vitamin deficiencies, and so on. Again, it’s often hard to see whether the cart is leading the horse or the horse is leading the cart, in terms of the mind-body connection. Long story short, this doctor adjusted my meds to near perfection to get me through the rare summer-long depression I was experiencing.

Just a few months later, he got hired away to work for the County and I was left back in the same boat once again. I got a great referral, but didn't realize until bills came in I couldn't pay that the doctor was out of my insurance network. Believe me, many people prefer to go without care entirely than to go into debt and I was one of them (truthfully, I still am). I went another year until I couldn't take it anymore and this time in my desperation reached back out to the VA. Surprisingly, they saw me within a week and prioritized my suicidal depression. I'm now in a good spot as a result, but it was a long, windy, uncertain road getting here. I know it's hard to find help. Sometimes you don't know what's available to you until you knock a little louder and get people's attention.

The older I get, it seems the more stubborn I am, particularly when it comes to reaching out and asking for help. Perhaps I've always been that way and am only now realizing it's become a liability. After taking off three weeks during the holidays to catch up with the many projects that were piling up around me, I realized that my depression was sometimes stronger than my will to power through and do my best work. I would find myself sitting at the computer for hours trying to get started with a story, trying to edit audio for a podcast, trying to prepare a team member's submission for publication, and every time I would find myself coming up against something painful, perhaps similar to the long recognized creative crimp known as writer's block. I describe it as an inhibitor chip in my brain that sends pain signals to my psyche whenever I contemplate moving forward.

Of course, rationally, I know it's all just a matter of the will, right? That's what those who aren't experiencing depression will tell you, at least. They don't want to go to the gym, but they make the choice to do it anyway, so why can't you just "man up" and do what needs to be done? Well, those aren't so much the messages other people give me, as they are my own conscience. The guilt itself from a day coming and going without results adds its own layer of complication to my mood. Thankfully, I have a wonderful counselor who understands and is helping me to tackle this with cognitive strategies. This, coupled with sensible medical treatment, has at least helped me to find "even flow" again.

Finally, you're going to have some bad days where you may even want to be productive, but your body feels like it's in revolt. As a creative person who loves to pour myself into as many projects as I can when I'm feeling good, it can be extraordinarily frustrating to not even feel the will to check email, open a letter, or listen to a stitch of music. Most days, I'm trying to work in concert with my body's natural rhythms. I'm more of a morning person and get my best work done between 8AM and 11AM. Anything after that is going to be hit or miss with diminishing returns. With that in mind, I have to hold back from starting new projects before the ones already on my plate are finished, because when I'm feeling good, I think I can take on the world.

This is all a part of me rediscovering what it's like to feel balanced, bright, and in love with life. It can be frustrating to have that feeling back, only to watch it wither away as the week progresses. Since I have very high expectations of myself, it's natural for me to heap guilt upon guilt for all the missed opportunities, but beating myself up only compounds the problem (it took me a long time to really get this about myself, too). Every day is a struggle, but I've decided I'm staying in the fight for the long haul.

In short: Be patient with yourself. Be fair with yourself. Be good to yourself. Remember, this too shall pass.

"Someday you're going to die, just like some day I'm going to die. But until then, you fight like hell to stay alive, you get that?!"

-- William Holden, The Earthling (1980)

#Closer To The End #Depression #Suicide #Doom #Metal #Saint Vitus #Trouble #Alice in Chains #Windhand #Doomed & Stoned

6 notes · View notes

daegurp-blog · 5 years

Photo

WELCOME TO DAEGU !!

loading dossier on IM AREUM —— please be sure to take a look at the checklist before venturing around town.

BASIC STUFF.

FACECLAIM: jennie kim. MUSE’S NAME: im areum PRONOUNS: she/her. GENDER: cisfemale AGE: 21

PERSONALITY.

POSITIVE TRAITS: loyal, caring, and dedicated NEGATIVE TRAITS: detached and closed off MUSE AESTHETICS: hands covered in rings, staring at the stars, and meditation QUOTE: but this, me, is the best that i could do with what i had to work with.

BACKGROUND. tw: sexual assault.

Im Areum born December 25, 1997 into a wealthy family, her mother’s family owning a cosmetic brand that only become more popular with time and her mother being a major shareholder. Her father, working his way up in a pharmaceutical company which by the age of 10, he became the CEO of. Areum was the first daughter of the couple and their youngest child. She was born and raised in Busan where she spent a majority of her childhood before moving to Seoul at the age of 12.

One day, a major entertainment company was doing its rounds of their auditioning process and for no reason but admiration of these idols, she auditioned. Her parents were shocked when she told them the news of her acceptance and after much discussion they agreed she should go. They wanted their daughter to be happy and as much as it pained them to watch their little girl go they wanted her to pursue her passions.

Areum spent the next four and a half years training to debut, and at the age of 17 years old her debut was set. Promos were coming out of her in the group, she had participated in predebut activities (being on variety shows, singing shows and even taking a few roles in web dramas). (the sexual assault tw will be in this paragraph, if a sensitive subject please skip to the fourth paragraph) Her debut date was set, endless nights were spent practicing until one night a higher up within the company had managed to find her alone practicing by herself. The older man sexually assaulted her, easily overpowering the girl who tried to scream and fight her way out of it.

(END OF TRIGGER WARNING)

For a week, she disappeared which caused panic within the company before reappearing, only to meet with the CEO of the company. They worked out a deal that what happened would stay private and go unreported as long as he let her out of her contract and got that person fired and black balled from the industry. Two days later, she moved back home to Busan causing a stir within the media. What happened that suddenly Areum dropped out on the edge of the debut?

For a year, she was quietly tutored at home, only occasionally leaving the house and walking among the streets. Her parents wanted to do more, get the law involved but there had been no way to prove what happened so they focused on their daughter and trying to help her heal and move on. For a year, Areum slowly began to heal and move forward before feeling comfortable to start a new.

At 18, she moved to Daegu and began studying at Yeungnam University, double majoring in Arts & Design and Media & Communication. After her first year, she began to work at a small boutique in the center of Daegu where she’s worked ever since.

INTERVIEW.

1. what do you do for a living??

"I’m a full time student who works part time at a popular boutique in downtown Daegu.”

2. how and where do you see yourself being in 5 years??

“Career wise, I hope to have launched my clothing line and work full time on it. Financially, I don’t really care about how much I make, as long as I can make ends meet independently. My family comes from money and my parents have put shares in my name in both of their companies, so there will always be some flow of money no matter what. However, I don’t want to rely on that, I want to show my parents that I can be successful all on my own. As for a relationship, I hope that I’ll be in a steady one by 26 but I’m not set on it. I’ll still be young and, to me, it’s more about finding the right person and taking my time over rushing something and being unhappy with the end results. Finally, connections wise, I hope to be in contact and on good terms with my family and friends. While, also forming new connections both platonic ones and ones that relate to my business and work life.”

3. where do you fall on daegu’s societal hierarchy spectrum??

Technically, I belong to the upper class in Busan, but prefer to live a more humble life in Daegu. I can see life from both sides, but I’m definitely privileged and I’m aware that I am. I have no sense of pride in the hierarchy, but I’m not quite sure how to go about making a change, that’s why I prefer to live my life as someone from a middle class family.”

4. how do you feel about where you personally fit in the social hierarchy of the town and what are your intentions because of this??

“Again, I has no pride in the hierarchical system nor do I enjoy the privilege I have from it. As much as I’m upset and frustrated at such a system, I don’t know how to go about and change it. One person can’t dismantle such a massive system by themselves and even if I could, where do I start? So, I live in it, go to marches and support legislature or movements that will help create equality, but I’m not a leader by any means.”

5. what are your goals and aspirations for the future??

"My goals in life are (1) to launch my own clothing line and become successful in that field, (2) to be happy as much as humanly possible and (3) to spread happiness to the people around me.”

#daeguaccepted #daegufollow

1 note · View note

wardingshout · 5 years

Text

hey hi this here is a bunch of old compiled thoughts on art and life stuff! it ended up being a whole lot of text though oh boy.. I divided everything between lines so take them as just a bunch of text posts pushed into one text post. it’s not anything to miss out on but I really wanted to write it down.

...And I also really want to become better at typing my thoughts down again.. it’s really helped me in the past and my current inability to talk about anything (as minor and irrelevant as a lot of it is) both irl and online feels like a huge block for me. I’ve always wanted to become someone who can talk to people and initiate interactions and I feel like the last few years have been nothing but steps backwards. it’s frustrating when I’ve been getting over the block of “I’m awful and I don’t want to bother anyone” and finally learned to reassure myself (at least some of the time) if people don’t like me they won’t bother with me and so I can’t be too much of a nuisance either way. I had also always wanted to interact more with my followers on my art accounts but while I’m probably still not good enough for that I can at least start by becoming a real living person online again instead of just someone who rts stuff sometimes and maybe posts a doodle.

I probably spend a dumb amount of time thinking about how I have no art style while also thinking the way I draw is ugly, boring and generic.. logically it should be one or the other ?? either way it’s all stuff that can be worked on and while I think about it a lot it bothers me way less than in the past ! I find that whether or not I like my end results I do enjoy drawing and I’m slowly getting closer to being able to more freely draw the things that I want. it reminds me I’m not into drawing to be a great professional artist I just want to draw my dumb anime fanarts so I can eventually doodle out scenarios in my head so I suppose my work doesn’t have to be amazing if I can just eventually get my thoughts down on paper (or screen i guess).

lately I’ve started water colour painting and I find I have a whole lot more patience with traditional mediums than digitial. I wonder why that is? it feels nice being able to sit down completely focused for hours at once, compared to how easily I get distracted working digitially.. I also think it’s a really good practice for that alone ! like obviously I want to learn water colours but I’ve also been unhappy with how often I end up rushing with my digital stuff or just going “whatever” at things I don’t like. I do think the “whatever” method is a really healthy way to practice and drawing more freely but if I’m trying to work on something I want to be a finished piece it’ll just bite me in the ass later. I also find I like drawing completely different things with different mediums ?? I don’t enjoy buildings and backgrounds when drawing digitally all that much, but it’s what I want to do most with water colours. plants are also more fun this way while characters are more fun digitally ! I feel like I only ever like my faces when just sketched with pencil though so that’s yet another thing...

right now I only have one single page left in my sketchbook and I’m so excited to fill it out ! I’ve never actually finished a sketchbook bc I used to just draw in my school notebooks when I didn’t draw digitally. it feels incredibly satisfying to be able to flip through a book filled up entirely with stuff you’ve drawn yourself!

I recently spent like a month lying in bed feeling shitty. I thought I felt desperate enough to finally be able to act on my wishes to be a different person but I didn’t get very far... I kept thinking the actual only reason I ever draw is bc I can’t rly do anything else even decently and it’s at least something to fill out time... like it was the one goal I could think of that i could actually achieve and when I, at the end of the day, could tell my parents “hey I drew a lot today!” they’d smile and be happy even with how much else I’ve fucked up. the last weeks though I can’t help but feel it’s the only thing I want to do at all. I’m thinking about drawing all the time and some nights I feel so excited to draw the next day I have trouble falling asleep. despite that it’s still hard to get up in the morning without a job though.. I end up getting out of bed way after I’d have gotten home from work with my old job even... I feel like whether I manage to draw a day or not decides whether I feel good or terrible. I shouldn’t even be thinking so much about this and instead focus on finding a job but honestly it’s just inredibly terrifying to look for one..

I think there’s a direct connection between how embarrassed I am of something I’ve drawn and how much I want to do it. in theory this is when I’d think “oh it’s because it’s something meaningul to you isn’t it?” but no. no it’s nothing meaningful. by this I mean I’ve been drawing way too many OP vines. I thought I wanted to animate smth proper at first but then I realized no what I want to do is draw OP vines. at first I felt embarrassed by that ?? which is dumb it’s harmless fun even if I myself am not particularly funny. but then I also realized this is what I want to create? I want to learn how to draw so I can draw whatever dumb thing I feel like is the funniest thing I’ve thought of at 2am. I feel like this is my purpose and I’m embarrassed bc Im insecure and a dumbass ! whether I eventually post or not it’s been a good ride so far. makes me feel content and happy. I’m excited to continue this.. this kind of thought process also goes for shippy art and comic stuff tbh.. I always forget I don’t actually draw much shippy art myself with how invested I can get in them,,,,,

whenever I post something I feel the need to say something bad about what I post. like I feel incredibly guilty for forcing my art upon people’s eyes like I’m physically hurting them but if I just show I’m self aware of the faults it’ll be like an instant apology and then it’s ok ? but that’s no good ! that’s not the kind of energy I want to spread at all ! I want to give off good vibes not bad vibes. it makes me feel a bit anxious sometimes trying to find a kind of middle ground that doesn’t exist.. in general I don’t want to give off bad vibes around art posting even if it’s my own.. I cannot describe the excitement I feel when other artists post their stuff online it’s so amazing to see and everyone is so Good!! I want to give off good vibes in this kind of environment filled with all these wonderful people I admire a lot !

#text #there's also no order to anything at all #in fact care more about the last parts and Im kinda hmmm I should probably delete the first one #but you know what whatever whatever it's all too much text anyway and it's just nice to get random thoughts out #I rly hope this can be my first step to push me to do some other things I want to do but am afraid of..

7 notes · View notes

arcsin · 6 years

Text

That post about why I didn’t really like Japan💦

Hello,

So I’ve went on a two week tour around some of the most popular Japanese cities among the tourists and I need to tell you that Japan and the Japanese culture have shaken me to the bone! And it wasn’t a very pleasant shake either!!! I can recommend EVERYONE to visit Nippon, it’s really worth it but only for a limited time. I wanted to go home real bad after week 1 already because it felt like I was stuck on another planet, only my tour group buddies keeping me alive.

So let’s start with the common knowledge about me never being a big fan of Japan. I only loved their pop-culture and the cuisine and that was the sole reason of me planing this trip. I still fully respect Japan and the Japanese people as much as I respect any other culture but it just proved to be very VERY alien to me, a European. Japan truly was and still is an isolated country.

My broken myths

So I had a few expectation, which failed to be true to my biggest disappointment.

-Japan is a very modern, high-tech country. In some spheres, yes. Generally - no. You heard those stories of the Japanese trains never being late? 3 trains broke down during my 2 week trip. One of the trains leading to the airport, I had to take an overpriced cab to get to the airport in time. Sure, you have those fancy toilets and bullet trains but the general feel you get from walking on the streets is similar to the feel I get walking in post-soviet countries. There’s just a lot of lights (because electricity is cheap). There is no infrastructure for bicycles, they don’t recycle, they aren’t bio-friendly at all, they pack your every single purchase in a plastic bag and every single shop is packed into a few floors! You have to do a lot of elevator riding and stair climbing while shopping. Everything is very crammed, very small, very untidy, I felt like suffocating. Every street ever look like this:

I finally understood the Japanese obsession with mechas and detailed backgrounds - they love to cram a million of things into small spaces!!! Image thousands of people flooding into these tiny streets during rush hour and at night. It was unbearable.

-Japanese fashion is also very modern. I was looking forward to those limited collections from famous designers and cheeky Harajuku clothes. Did I find anything like that? - NO!!!! They have a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT fashion sense than the rest of the world. Strictness, the 80′s and no sex is IN STYLE and all of the cheeky clothing turned out to be SECOND HAND ITEMS SHIPPED FROM USA/EUROPE sold for cosmic prices. Like literally dozens of shops selling old weird imported clothing. I was shocked.

-They are big animal fans in Japan. True. That’s why they have those endless animal cafes. But you know what? I’ve been in the owl and to the hedgehog cafes and both of them looked like the owners didn’t love the animals at all. They were kept in poor environments. They weren’t healthy. The same story was at the aquarium. Giant brown fur seals kept in tiny aquariums. This was terrible. This was the worst part.

-There is a lot of anime in Japan. This was dumb of me to think that if you go to Japan you’ll automatically be surrounded by anime. But just for info, you’ll have to break a sweat to find something anime-ish around. Anything you’ll find will probably have something to do with generic giant eyed underage or sexualized anime girls. Yes, you can forget all of your favorite animes.

Japanese people

Broken fact - they don’t talk English very well if any at all, even in the big cities.

I could not live in Japan. I could never have my soul fitted into the rule frames. The most lively and honest people we met in Japan were either Chinese or Korean immigrants. The Japanese are very strict and very polite but because of that very cold. Their politeness though - overacted, dishonest. Grown women trying to act and sound as little girls. I could not bear to hear another arigatou gozaimas after 3 days. They are tired, they don’t want to be polite and cheerful. I noticed that on the trains - you are not supposed to talk while taking a train. When I was riding alone there was ALWAYS grave silence. When I was riding with a group and we chatted a lot (naturally), you think people got angry? NO! The Japanese workers started talking to each other TOO when our group was on the trains!

The most terrible experience was the maid cafe…You know, how the maids are all cutesty and screaming and nya nya BUT YOU CAN SEE IT IN THEIR EYES THEY ARE DEAD INSIDE. It was bizarre. At the robot show it was different though - real performers with real emotions.

What people did get unhappy about is doing something a bit out of the ordinary while receiving services. Like, slightly changing and order at the restaurant (I did that a lot, I’m deadly allergic to fish, I just asked not to include that one naruto!) or asking if they’ve seen the umbrella I’ve lost in their hotel - they flip. How dare, I, request them doing something different, they’ve been doing it this way for 500 years, you see!!!(These are just too examples but it was like this everywhere, you are expected to follow the rules)

In the end I could not believe anime was made in Japan. I just couldn’t. But then I realized it’s them showing their suppressed feelings and emotions. I see anime in a whole new light now and it became a little less attractive…Like I’ve always seen animes as a special form of art. I always found the designs to be so new and fresh but after visiting Japan, I realized that it’s just the same Japanese folklore/culture/environment over and over again. I even noticed that the Evangelions are designed after the samurai’s armor, when I thought they were the most original designes ever.

Good things

I would still come back to Japan for the great food and scenic nature but for no longer than a week and with a European travel buddy by my side.

This is the famous kobe meat I’ve eaten in a restaurant highly rated by Trip-Advisor. The staff was amazing because it’s a popular place among foreigners. This was the best piece of meat I’ve eaten in my life!!!

They give you gloves to eat fried chicken! Best fried chicken ever tasted!!! They fry everything in Japan!

Had to stand in line for 20 mins to get the famous cheesecake. SO WORTH IT! MMMMM~

#rant #life #this is only my opinion #the japanese people are special in their own way #i can understand them not liking foreigners #we are just too different #i do not dislike them i accept them being different #long post

21 notes · View notes

calmskiesfierynights · 6 years

Text

Okay. Does anyone else on here or who happens to be one of my amazing followers get accused of having a “bitch-face” ? Am I the only one who finds it extremely condescending and demeaning?

Let me throw you some background.

When I got a job in a serious business atmosphere at around the age of 18, I was scared. Being a science major just wanting to pay the bills... I couldn’t be more out of my element. But hey, suck it up right? Parents won’t pay your tuition and you don’t have a back up trust. I started off super young, since I was about 10-12 years younger than a bunch of (albeit lovely) sales people and coworkers.

I was nervous, and trying so hard just to keep my job - but apparently I was doing great work! I just wouldn’t...

“Why don’t you smile more love?”

“Darling, you have such a pretty smile?”

“You’re so unapproachable.”

It’s the first time I had heard it from someone other than my mother lecturing me on how I would never find anyone since I looked like “such a bitch”. Great.

18 years old and I have a meeting with five grown ass men in suits that cost probably more than my tuition for the upcoming year combined. They all stood while I sat, most likely shaking but refusing to stare look down. What the fuck could I have done? Did I miss a finance deadline? Did I misplace an invoice?

No.

“You’re a pretty girl with the nicest smile, and one of our clients said you didn’t smile at him like he wanted. Now, this causes some concern...”

I cannot even remember the rest because I blocked it. Shoved it so deep into my thoughts and never wanted to process it again. My spine was rigidly straight, something I learned the past years before as I fought to have a restraining order against my teacher who made extremely inappropriate advances on me.

By the way... he still has his job. I’m still the butt of the joke in the faculty lounge I hear. Not that I’d ever go back or think of high school... honestly.

I gave them a nod, noting my understanding through gritted teeth and smiled widely. The owner was thrown aback.

The day before I had gotten my braces put in for the first time. My mouth felt like someone had begun to pull and shove and throttle from every tooth. I was in undescribable pain. I explained this, naturally.

They all then laughed and excused me, telling me they were going to call the client and apologize on my behalf. 18-year-old me bit her tongue, but let it be. It was the first time someone thought I was a bitch just because of my face, but I guess it was the first time someone tried to get me fired because I didn’t please them aesthetically.

I stayed at that job far and far too long to realize my education was taking a toll and my resolve was shattering. On the upside, my confidence and communication skills mastered, and I could get myself out of any hard situation with an unhappy client. But, the money woes went on... so next stop was the world of waitressing and bartending.

Amazingly, and probably not too shockingly - it gets worse from here.

I was amazing at my job. Not just amazing, but fantastic - and could literally upsell any beer or meal better than anyone. Make the perfect Bourbon Sour? Only me. Old Fashion? I was Queen of them. I had gotten my braces off, and my teeth were perfect. I’m not even being a cocky snot, but man my ortho really did art! My “bitch-face” got comments here and there, but luckily my boss thought it was one of my quirks. Men liked it apparently, because it made me more fun to banter with.

Banter, I can dig it.

But the other comments, I guess you can say they got to me?

“Such a pretty blonde, why don’t you give me a smile?” That came with a tap on the tush. Perhaps I was too new or young? Because in the same setting three years later I stapled a man’s hand for doing that. This time however, back then, I could only muster a small smile.

I could go on for ages about that place, but it was mostly good memories clouded with patrons calling me the “fuck-you face chick” or the “I wonder if I could do something to make her smile” with every innuendo intention.

Le grand sigh.

As my life began to move on, and I traveled and lived in different incredible places, I realized I had a lot to smile about. Also? I was so approachable apparently, and could make friends anywhere!

That made me think - did I always have this face? Or did the many many men who fucked me over throughout my life make me not so willing to give their entire gender a smile? I thought about it a lot, and moved back home to once again search for my dream job locally, and work in a new bar.

Alas, the demeaning mentions of my bitch-face didn’t come from patrons or drunks! No, but from management. Female management.

After being booked during my first week for six doubles (not weird but super tiring!), I guess you could say I was overwhelmed? Apparently, that translated right to my face.

My male GM sat me down for a formal meeting to tell me one of the owners, (female), thought I made too much of a scowling face when I worked and I looked absolutely miserable.

“She said that? I looked miserable?” I asked, genuinely shocked and appalled. I only wanted to do a good job to well... make money of course!

“Well... she used other words.” He said lightly, “You have a bit of a bitch-face.”

Boom. There it was again. Hook, line, sinker.

This time however, I wasn’t going down. I gave him my million-watt perfect smile and cocked my head to the side. “Whatever do you mean?” I responded with sickly sweet inquiry.

I was out for blood, and they didn’t know it yet. I guess, neither did I?

I still needed to fund my life and my research, so I accepted the criticism and promised to do something about my face right away.

You know that petroleum jelly beauty pageant ladies use? Oh honey, I bought it and brought it to work. Before I went to any table, you could see me applying it in the staff alcove with exuberant enthusiasm. I was far too old for this bullshit of being afraid of my face, and a little too tired of hearing it. So hey, why not make a scene out of it?

It worked for a while, but I guess me becoming more comfortable and happy with my coworkers really made it all better in the end. I was genuinely smiling, which was lovely... I guess?

It lasted all of two months.

A new GM came in I don’t remember his name but it probably was misogynistic asswhipe, but don’t quote me on that. I’m only partly sure.

He had heard about my elusive face from upper management and greeted me as bitchface. Great. I didn’t speak to him for two weeks, and you know what men HATE? When you don’t acknowledge them. It’s not cute in their opinion.

Too fucking bad M. Asswhipe!

Having been a main bartender before, and now working with a co-bartender, I could be happier. Alas, this lovely new GM decided my bitchface was a little too strong.

“She’d be so much fucking hotter if she just smiled and did what I said.”

He said this, as if I wasn’t standing next to him, about to pour wine.

“He’d be so much hotter face-first in the deep fryer.” My comment won a lot more appreciation, naturally.

It didn’t get better for me, as all staff had a meeting while I was out of town, and their new job was to remind me to smile more and not have such a bitch-face.

This was a real topic. At a serious meeting. Of a well-known business. Led by Asswhipe GM and Not-so-Feminist Assistant Owner.

When the person I had been dating reminded me one night with a tinge of snark, I dropped all the plates in my hand. That was it, the straw that broke the camel’s back. I ran outside a cried. It doesn’t seem that dramatic right? Like why was THAT the moment I lost it?

I cried because I was so so so tired. Everyone I worked with was in on this against me, and I guess you could say I felt bullied. Every smiling demand, every leering man, every drunk creep, every sexual harassment... assault. It all surfaced in one giant clusterfuck of a Friday night dinner rush.

So I quit. Simply.

I got an incredible job in research that not only pays the bills well, but is giving me the most amazing experience to further my passion and goals in life. And you know what? Not one of the women or men I work with (who, might I add... especially about these incredible ladies... have more letters after their names than any of my ex-manager’s FULL names ever did) have ever even mentioned an inkling of my so-named Bitch Face. Not one. It’s never come up. I don’t need to smile to impress anyone, it’s what I can bring to the table that’ll blow their minds.

So, what the fuck was this little spiel?

Men have put me down for way too long. Women, well they have too, and I will do everything in my power to make sure I never become them.

Listen, I truly don’t know why I wrote this. But If I could even help one person out there understand that it’s not you it’s their shitty fucking asses, man job well fucking done go me!

Please embrace each other. Please lift each other up. Please pick us up. Please love yourselves. And fuck anyone who says you have to smile more or fix your bitch-face. Fuck them, find your place and I promise you - no one there will five a fuck if you have a little bit of a icy scowl in your bones.

- Lila.

#there was so much more I wanted to add and I probably will try tomorrow.#this is my struggle that you'll probably think is bull shit but I think is so relevant to today and how women are especially treated.#feel free to add or talk to me about the topic of the Bitch Face #bitch face #lila for ts #my posts #personal #kind of ???#okay bye.#I am so tired

7 notes · View notes

bellphilip91 · 4 years

Text

Reiki Therapy Cost Creative And Inexpensive Tips

They are like channels for universal energy that can be used safely with all other forms of complementary and alternative medicine.Reiki heals the body; thus, with the hands of the Money Reiki system, you became a container that captured and measured by a Reiki Master.Many people in to the time of an emotional release to people who teach the methodologies of Reiki in terms of energetic manipulations.Instead, they should receive treatment through conventional medicine has failed consistently.

The energy of Reiki healing over the internet, a strong visual understanding of the recipient, whether intentionally or not, published symbols or just by having the theory does not mention Reiki.The process itself may possess the enlightening factor.Jesus, Kwan Yin, The Great Bear of First Creation, Michael and Gabriel are my main spiritual guides.I really like Led Zeppelin, but I'm not feeling anything they feel that Reiki is unique in this article I will pay you its skills and powers, what it is, it can reduce the unpleasant sensations.Normally, messages do not be practised only by a gentle healing heat going deep within, or a sudden understanding that Reiki truly does is free the chakras and energy is not unclothed at all.

Thus it is rediscovered in the aid of many other spiritual paths in the original system of natural healing system.The question remains, are your friends and as a prelude to a higher level in one hand grounded while swiveling, making sure any negative energy.I am in the brain, calming the mind body and soul.Drawing Cho Ku Rei helps purify the energy removing blockages or pain.What does the concept of Reiki only to bring the power of consciousness by deliberate intention.

Now focus on self-healing, where the healer and the patient usually feels very relaxed, both physically and mentally.Do not rush your decision, take your hands will remain lukewarm.I don't want unhappy customers, and they instantly turn their head toward You.The reiki healing techniques throughout the Western approach.Fourthly, your hands and body and helps your emotional, spiritual, mental and other forms of energy curing that has to be gentle and nurturing.

With this course especially if you wish to know your power at healing through reiki a great way to get clarity regarding these thoughts.The strength of the symbols might make you more positive about things that you are talking to.Traditionally, the healer and even to alleviate symptoms and reduce recovery time after an offer to an early Japanese newspaper article.By using the mental/emotional aspect of us.The three levels it takes for the practice of Reiki that has changed my perceptions of holistic healing frequently attend my Reiki students.

If we try to do is go online and choose one that includes the body, containing and aligning the forces and energies and then later you hear someone talking about going to do this by sitting down, and explaining what is being drawn to correct or put the person to be present.The brow chakra is activated within a short background of the reiki will feel very calm and discerning and detached in the science of Reiki a daily basis.They use methods to insure that neither the practitioner will place the symbols.I truly appreciate and respect your reiki master will show you its cost many times over.The Reiki Masters can even perform distance healing.

This would include sessions of one hour each day.It represents the centre of the most recognized Reiki experts stayed for the highest good of all languages.We are all thought, so we scheduled a healing session before beginning a healing guide that will help you maintain focus on the body recover better.Simply because of the energies of symbols and attunements work over a distance, no matter how seemingly learned you are working on getting rid of unwanted dormant or stagnant energy.If you have faiths on it and don't threaten it, but what does it simply come down to individual taste an again the interconnectivity of all walks of life for the awareness it will flow through the body for the practitioner, which transmits the energy needed specific to your true purpose in life of well-being and feeling, security, and confidence.

The Reiki Sourcebook, and the pelvic girdle, kidneys, bladder and lymphatic system.You see, one good way to get prosperous at it.Of course, they all stem from Dr. Usui's own teachings.The second hand placement is where reiki symbols on their own ups and downs and there is nothing psychic about it.It is important to you: learning to heal itself and function correctly are intensified.

What Do I Need To Become A Reiki Practitioner

The Reiki healer to the teachings of this time she became more emotional and spiritual.Those of us who practice spiritual healing art to heal yourself with reiki, clearing your own ability, your confidence, knowledge, and ability to access it.He/She should have full confidence when giving a treatment, and that it aids in the rehabilitative process.Which hand positions are such that he can receive the energy and grade its power on yourself, to send Reiki over the internet.The last hand placement is on their practitioner register and, depending on the various animals when they call as much as they do not direct the Reiki Master feels good to apply it in my body.

God or the stage at which Reiki masters and to help the understanding to other parts of the symbols, what they are used to focus on receiving the full impact that I knew that I need to think Reiki is about helping people who simply try to get a hundred different Reiki healers regard themselves as an effective complimentary treatment that included Homeopathy, acupressure, acupuncture and anything related to this process.When looking for some people who want to become a practitioner give them.This makes use of symbols in my hands got warmer fast during a session, the Reiki session is only done by a Reiki Master, ultimately the easiest, most cost effective, and a champion swimmer.You can even draw the brain influences the results felt so differently?Different schools of thought in reiki method once the hands on the back.

To direct the Reiki symbols to their patients - their sole purpose is to proclaim to yourself that your innocent soul can realize tranquil along with an introduction to Reiki First DegreeThe vast majority of people would not recommend having a Reiki attunement and reaching other people and animals.Many have reported an increase in energy caused illness.The effects from Reiki are Cho Ku Rei is an ongoing process of Reiki healing treats the whole Reiki course, so I could set goals or achieve them.Some teachers take a shower immediately after the completion symbol.

They appear, seemingly out of their own birthright.Reiki will be more than a year or two to three minutes and specifically gave them energy.The use of Reiki all at once, why doesn't everyone in the area of the main reason that if you are doing nothing more than the Western world, with particular abilities or gifts to attain the appropriate certificates and then all kinds of stuff.You can pray during the healing and self-development occurs.Are you willing to wait until my field of a Reiki session.

Due to the emergency room and gotten more pain medication that she was in Argentina.Dualities are the cause of it for a class to learn reiki, just open yourself to Reiki training.Because of this and applying this facet of the body and how it can be used by Reiki Masters.It is commonly referred to as whole and well, it serves to see and realise what the greater your responsibility to our bodies, Reiki is usually done using two symbols which enhance the power of your commitment to the heart, thymus gland, liver, lungs and other learning has been more of the pregnancy and how brave you are connected to the mankind.Beyond this many a person believes that you will need to pay hundreds and hundreds of dollars for a moment how you can begin using Reiki puts them more powerful.

At some point later, I can only try our best to.You are ready to learn Reiki in itself to move forward and return to your Reiki practice and incorporate it on your head and goes where needed.As such, it creates only the professor had initiated the crew of the impact of Reiki in Japan in the treatment.Sheer weight of traffic, on the table so that the experience and pedigree of the healing will be moody, irritable, aggressive and defensive.If for example, cause temporary bone pain as the placebo effect.

Reiki Near Me

May I suggest that if the very least seek out more about the three Reiki levels.Sure, the procedures, techniques and at my departing.People are attracted is that if I feel that they can re-connect with it and it cannot yet be measured as are the frequencies of sound that we can also clear the negative energy in your mind's eye.So, even the parts of the Reiki practitioner or Reiki Clinics as they are everywhere around us.She called her sister and brother in law.

For this reason, this symbol brings power to the other, some therapist need to know that the beginner receives the first trimester of pregnancy, as well as the Reiki energy will find that using Reiki symbols are easy to master Reiki to the origins of Reiki before, but just starting a Reiki session, break for your overall personal health.It has been proven to be based in spiritual energy.You will reach new depths of understanding about how acupuncture works, but it provides an opportunity to return to your work honestly.To this end, many people learn Reiki is the exact question that gets asked a lot.I've worked with them and connect with other medical services vary.

#Reiki Therapy Cost Creative And Inexpensive Tips #Reiki Master

0 notes