hhow common is it to run into ppl who hate an animal of any sort (or all) to the point of immediately resorting to wanting to kill them in order to not deal with them b/c idk if me letting ppl know i studied bio/know a bit abt animals in general just means they have to let me know how much they hate a thing, or if its just common 4 ppl to want a really sanitized outdoors

crashes through your window!! points at you like an anime supervillain HELLO!! how does gaffen view the champions and/or how does alt zelda view everyone we’ve met so far (unless thats spoilers?). or how would revali and zelda interact do you think

screams and hides under the table there is glass all over the floor my chickens are running everywhere (joking I am fine and completely immune to glass)

oh thats a fffffun question.....!!!! I have thought a great deal about this. I will start with pre-calamity because honestly it is simpler

revali is just...weird. gaffen doesnt get what the guy's deal is (mostly) so about half the time he just. tunes out everything revali says. honestly he does that with a lot of people including zelda. he works 15-hour shifts and just dissociates when he isnt on lunch break. he did pay attention once. and that was when revali said horses were smelly dumb animals and gaffen pushed him off a cliff (they were both fine revali's reaction was more or less just surprise and gaffen cooled off almost immediately cause he's Like That at this point.) he thinks revali's archery skills are really impressive but he'd never actually say that to him because Why.

urbosa is incredibly intimidating and he's pretty sure she doesn't like him. however he thinks she is cool. her loyalty is fascinating to him as he doesn't remember any other gerudo chieftains being...like that? in a good way. like he considers it a triumph for Hyrule At Large that the gerudo and Hyrule at on such good terms and he's deeply inspired by Urbosa's own loyalty not really understanding that it is in some ways a facade. he doesn't avoid her though, I think he'd just. stand there with the hairs on the back of his neck prickling. maybe at some point he would try to use the gerudo words he knows to try and impress her. or maybe he could give her a nice bottle of wine or something she would like as a Present

mipha is. complicated ? hes gotten vague vibes that she might have feelings for him past a certain point. however he doesnt really want to think about the implications of that or what that might cause. he'd rather just stand there and force himself to not think about it.there is a good chance if he was asked about it he would play dumb. mipha is also actively trying to figure out what his Deal is and generally tries to present herself as someone he can talk to so he's spoken to her briefly a few times. i couldnt even really tell you if he reciprocated its like that one post where a character is too tormented by the narrative to exhibit sexuality or attraction. he likes her, he trusts her more than a lot of people but yea.

im trying my best to not sully this with his rp interactions with them because those were done under Specific Circumstances(tm) (and i dont even think he knows the whole mipha has a crush thing for a bit) but when he actually opens up and turns his brain on there he starts making little jabs at revali for fun. he also gets like. mmildly scared of talking to revali before that bc again he turned his brain on and hasnt ever actively tried talking to him. so yea. he also ends up trying to force mipha to reveal more about herself bc mipha never really reveals anything which he thinks is hypocritical. this ends with him getting...mildly pissed/confused. him and revali also set up a time where they could practice archery together teehee

OK DARUK. I havent thought too much about them admittedly. but im tempted to say that their relationship is the friendliest and the most uncomplicated. im a "link ate the rock sirloin to be polite and not just because hes ok with eating rocks" truther so. yea. they're not super close by any means but they're just bros. guys hangin out. daruk would toss him into the air for fun and he'd like it. when hes off work gaffen would probably talk to daruk but when he is at work he'd probably just turn into gromit from wallace and gromit half the time. gaffen realizes he should probably respect the guy more but half the time he just kinda perceives him as like. the team dad and not a respected member of the gorons

that was longer than I thought. oops

post calamity is weird and I have thought about it a little more I think its not something I've roleplayed much so it just kinda sits there in my head and Rots.

but basically i'd describe gaffen's relationship with the champions at first to be highly parasocial. the memory you get from mipha's statue is his first acquired memory and it is.jarring? to say the least. gaffen understood that he was missing large chunks of his memory after rhoam told him that but he didn't really process it fully and he certainly didnt think he had a personal relationship with the people rhoam was talking about. plus when he does get those back he in a sense re-experienced them it was Very Strong Very Overwhelming and it kind of freaked him out. but the zora all seemed to paint a specific picture of who he was and mipha's relationship with him so it really hammered in the importance of his past self and those memories. the problem is because of how important he thinks they are he. pictures himself having a closer relationship with the champions and zelda than he actually did. like they were besties. totally. he loved mipha and they were gonna get married probably maybe and revali could be mean sometimes but it was okay they eventually got along fine and had some respect for each other daruk was the best friend anyone could ever ask for and urbosa was like his mentor who helped him out and was cool. did he have any evidence for this absolutely not he just kinda made up what the champions were like based on the snippets he got and since. well. everyone who knew most of the champions personally is dead. and the zora really dont have a good image of what mipha was like because she didnt really reveal much about herself. these go unchallenged and spiral out of control. the champion abilities do not help. they are not actually the champions in my au they are abilities that look like them. but gaffen thinks they are the champions. he spent a lot of his time wandering around alone and they brought him a lot of comfort and. yeah they were basically his best friends except they were fake

then he almost gets beaten to death and mipha's grace heals his leg wrong and he feels betrayed by them personally so he gets mad. thinks they hate him. refuses to talk about them. stops using the champion abilities because he blocked them on socialmedia. eventually he gains some perspective on it and calms down. realizes he just made everything up. but it still hurts like hell and he refuses to use the abilities anymore. however he still will get incredibly pissed if you insult them. maybe they arent his friends anymore but you will respect them dammit they died for your COUNTRY!!!

OH...hehe I cant reveal everything about alt zelda's impressions of ppl but some things I certainly can!! it is very colored by a few things that have happened to her. that are spoilers. but.

ok so link first cause hes easy. she thinks hes dumb. but she also feels sorry for him because she knows that a lot of the people around her and just the government/military in hyrule are. manipulative and exploitative. so. she really wants him to stay out of this honestly but in some ways she's happy to see him

Lance? she does not know who he is. blasse is complicated and spoilery but basically when she was younger she saw him one time and called him the "lazy old soldier guy" and everyone was confused

ciless (true mage of spirit) is incredibly complicated but basically ciless used to be zelda's mother figure. they hate each other currently and often try to sabotage each other

pike she just sees as ciless's crony and mostly dismisses him

fen she would actually have an. interesting? reaction towards. she'd act like she recognizes him somewhat. she would refer to him as link's father even if link didn't like it. she might ask him if he feels like he's missing something

lepy she would just think is a crony again im sorry lepy you deserve better

and packard she would also basically ignore

MAN. you got me thinking about a tangent about alt zelda and revali oops i am not sure if thats what you meant. but its a funny hypothetical to me. honestly zelda would be fascinated by revali. like at first shed think he was some sort of monster thing but then she would be like. wait you can talk. and revali would be like scoff yes of course. what does it look like.

"you look like a large bird or a monster"

"let me make it known that I am not a bird, and I refuse to be called a bird. I am revali of the rito tribe. it's--" and he looks VERY annoyed -- "not exactly a pleasure to make your acquaintance, but I seem to have lost my way."

"...that is very strange." and she just looks amused

i imagined this weird au where shes like "ok i really like you youre my friend now" and she tries to get him to help her with Stuff I think it would be funny

"greek-Bros: King Lycaon"

(many years ago, Zeus had a very dedicated but morally apprehensible fallower named Lycaon, son of the first mortals to walk the earth, and soon to be the first of something far more darker)

Zeus: *has visited Lycaon after having a CHILD be sacrificed to him. Disguised as a peasent man, he has been walking around trying to find Lycaon's palace until a small crowd of people started following him* Blast it all where is that palace? It can't be so hidden away...*turns around and sees the crowd of people mildly worshiping him*....No need to bring tidings and offerings mortals for I'm just a common peasent man.

Lycaon: *watches from the tallest point of his palace that a crowd of people are surrounding Zeus* aaahhhhhh, the gods have decided to visit me, the great Lycaon....*snaps his fingers for a servant* prepare a feast....fit for a god....and make sure it's.....*in a sinister tone* the usual fruits of the kingdom.

Zeus: now now, I understand I am the greatest possible thing that has happened today but I promise all of you that I'm n-*gets a tap on the shoulder by the city gaurd and whispers in his ear to follow him* I must go good people, your king needs me.

*the crowd of people cheer like crazy*

Guard: *rolls his eyes*

*later*

Lycaon: Welcome, all mighty one.

Zeus: I told you I'm not Zeus. *At this point not even trying*

Lycaon: Well no matter of great god, I have prepared you a meal.

Zeus: .....*looks at the food*................

Lycaon: what is the matter oh devine one?

Zeus: .....I take great offense....in the consumption of children.

Lycaon: *completely caught off guard by this* But...I assumed...I mean given your upbringing....

Zeus: *thunder commences* YOU DARE ASSUME MY EATING HABITS YOU ABSOLUTE PREDATOR!

Lycaon: OH STOP THIS HIGH AND MIGHTY ACT I KNOW YOURE INTO IT TO!

Zeus: HOW DARE YOU ASSUME MY KINKS!

Lycaon: HOW DARE YOU KINK SHAME ME! I AM KING LYCAON! GOD OF THIS CITY AND I WILL NOT HAVE SOME OLD WIND BAG IN THE SKY TELL ME WHAT CAN AND CANNOT DO!

Zeus: hmmm.....fine.....than I shall punish you in the most appropriate manner possible. If you wish to EAT like an animal....than BE ONE. *uses his godly power to strike down his sons and transform Lycaon into a half wolf being*

Lycaon: NOOOOOO!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!!?

Zeus: I've turned you into the most hated, most vile, most unacceptable creature ever to walk the face of the earth.....*thunder commences again* A FURRY!

Lycaon: NNNOOOOAAAAWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! *runs away on all fours*

Zeus: hmf.

*years later*

Apollo: ....you did what?

Zeus: Look I know it wasn't *air quotes* "politically correct" but I had to make an example of him.

Dionysus: dad come on, half of my followers are furries.

Zeus: oh come now, if it wasn't for me, we would have to deal with the morally apprehensible fact people sacrifice children to us.

*elsewhere*

An Ares Acolyte: *holds a scared whimpering puppy* And now, we offer the sacrifice of this young dog to the great war g-*gets his head brutally punched off*

Ares: *gently takes the puppy away from the now headless corpse* ....no more sacrificing puppies, or dogs, if I see anyone even harm a single hair on this sacred creature, I will end everything.

Other Acolytes: *all nod in agreement*

Puppy: *licks ares's cheeck and yips*

Ares: *whispers* it's ok buddy no one will ever hurt you or your kind as long as I'm around.

Hello how are you to day? Good, good. If you can could you do some hetalia headcanons for the main 8 (not including America or including him if you want to) as well as Prussia, Romano, Spain, and Canada that have a American S/O that uses a lot of Meme slang (like Yeet or Salty or Shook or Mood you get the picture) and the countries are just like 'WTF are they saying?!' and because of it they have to try and explain it, Key word TRY. Sorry if this is to long, thanks for read this have a good day.

My day is good, thanks. I think I quite enjoy writing headcanons like this. And no problem for a long ask. Just means you have something more specific in mind!

1p!England

"I am shooketh"

Pardon? You were drinking some hot chocolate, reading on your phone. He'd ask if you were alright. His mind would assume you’re scared, or got shivers from a ghost walking through you.

“Did you just have an Encounter?”

This man is high-strung so don’t laugh otherwise he’ll be offended and get rude. What an absolute brat. 

It’s meme slang, you tell him. “Love, I deal with enough slang on a regular basis. We don’t need any more.”

This guy is vaguely aware as he is exposed to America quite often and he himself is a London aware of changing tides, but he’s then he deems it ‘Improper’ and implores you not to use it too often.

1p!France

“He is being salty.”

He doesn’t know how to take this. That man on the TV is being irritating, but he can’t comprehend what you mean. 

This man is helpless with technology. If you show him the word meme, he will say “mee-mees”. He is uncultured in the ways of the internet.

You explain, and he just nods, but he doesn’t understand. He comprehend, but doesn’t understand. Barely ever.

This man basically embodies ‘old dogs can’t learn new tricks’.

1p!Canada

“You’re such a simp.”

“Only for you.” Awww, Canada, baby. 

Of course he knows. This boy is young in comparison to every other personification and he goes on the internet. 

He isn’t one for speaking in slang normally, only when someones being extra cringe or dissing someone. Boy is cultured but sassy.

He also has a folder of memes. Mostly saved from America, but now he knows you’ll understand them and won’t cringe at him, you will now get them when you’re apart. He wants to make you smile and if memes are the way to get deeper into your heart then so be it. America is literally supplying him with the hottest memes out there for free.

1p!Russia

“Cash me outside, how ‘bout that?”

He recognises it. It doesn’t click in his brain, but he remembers America shouting it at some point. Just like you’re doing because he inconvenienced you. Please don’t fight him.

You can show it to him, but he isn’t all that interested. Internet culture doesn’t interest him. He doesn’t follow trends and only got Facebook because America insisted on making him an account. The dude only has a laptop for work and his phone has basically no app. His highest used is Tetris.

He’ll recognise things you say, but will mostly just give you a judging stare. Or maybe chuckle if you make a fool of yourself.

1p!China

“Yeet!”

Calm down, you’re being way too energetic about throwing that into the bin. 

He deals with all of his siblings at home, and then America at Big Work Meetings. He does not want to have it from you.

This man needs chillness in his life, consistency. He hates hecticness. So you throwing shit and shouting will get on his nerves before he tells you to pack it in. 

Yeah, he’s too grouchy for this stuff.

1p!Italy

“Is this a bird?”

“That’s a butterfly...” He doesn’t get it. He has watched a few animes, that’s what happens when you’re friends with Japan. And America. And Prussia. And also Romano because it’s his guilty pleasure so he may catch on to what you’re saying.

He’ll also understand other memes you say, but he doesn’t find them themselves funny. He just actually enjoys watching your expressions to it and your enthusiasm. 

He works off other peoples happiness, so seeing that grin of yours whilst you imitate gives him the butterflies in his stomach. 

He will try though to pepper some in if you are a user of memes in your language. He wants to pick them up to make you smile. He’s such a cutie-pie UwU.

1p!Germany

“Ah yes, stonks.”

No, these are the finances, honey. They’re not-oh... now he’s slightly disappointed as he looks at you from over his glasses.

Prussia is energetic about his memes, and Germany will often be ‘gifted’ with them. Sometimes, he’ll read through them but often he’ll scroll through them all. His brother spams. Heavily.

You may get lucky sometimes if it’s an animal meme to make him smile, or exhale sharply through his nose, but Germany doesn’t often find them funny. 

Like Italy, he’ll smile if your positively thrilled with it.

1p!Japan

“That is a juicy boy.”

Oh, thank you, s/o. He’s happy you’re enjoying the meal he made you.

He knows memes. This man watches anime. He has every social media account on all platforms. He will smile, he will partake in some fine dining that is the dank meme section of the internet. 

They’re mostly the anime version of a meme. He doesn’t really enjoy edgy humour, and while a Danny DeVito meme about magnum dong is mildly humorous, it just isn’t his sip of tea.

He’ll say memes out-loud in the same room as you sometimes, in that deadpan voice of his, which always makes it ten times funnier. Even his commentary of anime that you’re watching a rerun of will have memes in it. And if you say you’re watching an anime and got to this specific episode, you bet he’ll pull up his neatly made folders on his phone for that anime and send it. He appreciates that you like that type of humour.

1p!Prussia

“That is a sweaty boi.”

Dat boi? Dat boi! Prussia is a people pleaser at heart and a goofball so of course he knows memes. This man has a large following on the internet, he makes a living off people enjoying his content!

As soon as you spill the proverbial bag of you liking memes, he will spam. His line of thinking is often, “Hahaha, this is hilarious. S/o may also find this funny. I will send it to them!” And if there’s one meme on that website with him scrolling hours at a time, you will get sent at least like 30 in an hour.

He will try his darnedest to make you laugh, so you will get a specific meme made about anyone you know too just to see you in tears over it.

“I have an army.” He sends you a picture of England. “We have a Germany.” Yeah, it’s that MCU meme of Loki and RDJ... Sometimes he’s not that funny, but A+ for effort!

1p!Romano

“One does not simply--”

Yeah, he knows what you;re going to say and rolls his eyes. If it’s anything too cringe, he will laugh at you and take the piss. But he will not hesitate to make an edgy or self deprecating meme.

Romano is ‘do as I say, not as I do’ type of person, and also never call him out for his hypocrisy. He will get snooty with you.

But he does enjoy them even though it doesn’t seem like it. He enjoys seeing you happy about them so as long as you’re shameless and don’t take his elbow digging to heart it’s all fine. 

Don’t call him out for laughing at whatever meme you say or send, as he will get defensive and annoyed with you. Imagine edgy teenager ‘I’m not like everyone else!’.

1p!Spain

“Pepe the frog.”

He partakes in a bit of memeing. He enjoys it. He’s got you.

But boy does he like the incomprehensible ones. Where the pictures highly saturated and has a couple of nonsense words put across it not lined up. He is cracking up at it.

Normal ones are fine too, but it’s either Facebook mum ones or weird incomprehensible. No in between. He doesn’t get that deep on the internet to understand the ones with context.

Ch.2: Baby Steps

[My Heroic Pokemon Squad]

Summary:

After receiving an emergency call to assist in sedating the legendary pokémon of time and space, Top Ranger (Y/n) (L/n) gets caught in the crossfire of their rampage. Sent barreling into a world unknown, (L/n) must now navigate her new surroundings and somehow find a way home. Yet, the aftermath of a momentary rift between dimensions carries drastic repercussions, especially considering that pokémon had never existed in this new place to begin with. Not only that, but it seems humanity here have powers of their own, not unlike that of the creatures she has grown to love.

Word Count: 1.4k

The band of pro-heroes loomed over (Y/n) as she tended to Lugia’s wounds, though she paid them no mind. Lugia is justifiably apprehensive, shifting a hardened glare between the people and pokémon that surround them. The healing process was quiet for the most part as the young Top Ranger made the effort to gradually sooth the creature’s wary attitude by giving tentative strokes along the areas they had applied the medicine. Words of affirmation supplemented this; whispered apologies and thanks for their patience helped tremendously as the creature slowly but surely relaxed. With their body no longer tense, it became easier to get the job done.

“You really gave us a scare…” (Y/n)’s words shift Lugia’s attention and it cranes their neck to closely view the teen. The ranger momentarily pauses, their (e/c) eyes stare into the deep onyx orbs of the pokémon. “I arrive here and am met with an absolute mess; buildings destroyed, glass everywhere.” The pokémon huffs at her reprimanding tone and (Y/n) sighs.

“I understand that you’re lost…that you’re afraid. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here. You’d be in the ocean where you belong…” Breaking their eye contact, she resumes the task at hand. “Though I guess it doesn’t really help when you’re being tugged by strange people, eh?” The subtle jab did not go unnoticed, but the four heroes said nothing.

“But what else were they supposed to do? Seeing a large creature such as yourself flying around their homes is rather unsettling, don’t you think?” Lugia responds with a squeaky screech and everyone jolts at how loud the sound is. To the untrained ear it sounds like an incoherent noise but (Y/n) classifies it as a whine—a rather childish one at that. She ponders on this for a second. From what she can recall of Lugia, were their cries usually this high pitched?

She gasps before looking back at the creature.

“Wow. You’re a big baby…” The young Lugia gives out another squeak. (Y/n) sighs once more. If they had been a full-fledged adult, the damage would be exponentially worse. The Top Ranger couldn’t help but to feel relieved, yet there remained to be an underlying terror in spite of it all. Her skill with Pokémon could only get her so far. Even though she had a reliable team by her side, it wasn’t out of the question to be accompanied by other Rangers who were complete with their own teams, especially in the presence of legendary pokémon. Multiple factors worked in her favor to quickly subdue Lugia, so she could only imagine how it’d be if this were not the case.

Regardless, the job is done. Tentatively reaching out her hand, (Y/n) rubs the large pokémon underneath their jaw, to which the creature graciously allows. Then, she moves to grab some berries to offer of which they eat immediately.

“Alright. You’re all set,” the young Ranger gives a reassuring pat before stepping back to make room. The young Lugia lifts itself to stand.

“I can only guess where you ended up after being taken from your home…so how’s about getting a new one?” The pokémon screeches happily and the wind shifts as Lugia lifts themselves back into the air.

“I happen to know of a beautiful beach that’s some distance away from here. The sea view is so vast, and the water is as blue as can be. It’d be best to enter from there.” (Y/n) points in the direction of Takoba, the legendary pokémon flies further into the air. Their gaze remains on (Y/n) until they reach the skyline, and in a moment they’re gone. The atmosphere seems to settle, and a brief moment of silence encapsulates the area.

“Judging by how well you worked with the Lugia creature, you’ve made it clear about knowing what these quirked animals are.” The teen tenses before looking to the pro-heroes. It was Gang Orca that had spoken. She nods.

“Pokémon.”

“Huh?”

“Where I’m from, these ‘quirked creatures’ are called Pokémon—a shortened term for pocket monsters’.” (Y/n) was given either blank or mildly confused looks. She sighs for the umpteenth time tonight. This was going to take forever to explain.

   “Alright, kiddo! It’s time to rise and shine!” (Y/n) was roused by loud words and chilly air. Feeling the blankets being pulled from over her body, she groans and resorts to curling in on herself.

“Five more minutes,” the teen mumbles though Kayama does not tolerate the request.

(Y/n) jolts as she’s abruptly lifted from the bed she rested on.

             “Ok, ok! I’m up…”

             “You’ve got a long day ahead of you, kiddo. Wash and get ready. We’re leaving in 30.”

Once the girl’s feet touch the floor, they wait for the woman to exit the room before looking to Honchkrow. The pokémon was perched on the headboard, his steely eyes following the woman until she’s out of sight. Unlike Carracosta and Raichu, the black avian refused to be returned to his ball. Despite her plea to be more cooperative, it was clear that his decision was final. Even if she did manage to reel him in, he’d break out anyway.

Honchkrow hops off the headboard and lands on the mattress where he’d previously sat before the R-Rated Hero had stepped in. The bird has been on edge ever since (Y/n) was relegated to this secluded dorm. It was already super late when Lugia was sent away. The threat was dismissed, and the pro-heroes had to prioritize the general public. They split off from Midnight as she resumed the task of dealing with the girl’s predicament. One extensive phone-call and nerve-wracking car ride later, they arrive at a location that appeared reminiscent of a college campus. She was led into one of many brick buildings and is given a room. Nothing much was said apart from being told to get some sleep. (Y/n) could only guess what events would await her once she leaves.

             The young ranger gives her companion an affectionate pat on the back and moves to enter the bathroom. The teen takes note of the spare clothes that hang from the towel bar and takes a quick shower before putting them on. With the provided toothbrush and cleanser that lay on the pristine sink, (Y/n) thoroughly brushes her teeth and wipes her face. Exiting with a few minutes to spare, (Y/n) completes her casual white tee and black pant outfit with her red ranger cap—the only clothing item that wasn’t soaked. Striking a boastful pose, she attempts to clear the tension if only a little bit.

             “How do I look?”

The bird’s expression is as dry as ever, but he does give the tiniest nod of the head.

             “That’s the spirit!” Honchkrow rolls their eyes and (Y/n) responds by giving them a playful side-eye.

             Unfortunately, the pokémon’s rigidity returns as Midnight re-enters the room. Turning to face the lady, she notices the look of satisfaction on her face.

             “Much better. You were looking a little rough…”

             “Gee, thanks.” Honchkrow flies from the bed and lands next to his trainer. Kayama regards the creature briefly before returning her focus on (Y/n).

             “How are you feeling?” The teen’s eyebrows furrow. That’s a rather odd question to ask.

             “Weird.” Midnight nods.

             “That’s understandable. This is all new to you. I’m sure you won’t feel that way once you’ve grown accustomed.”

(Y/n)’s lips press into a line.

             “These pokémon you speak of—their newfound lives here are a drastic change that the world is dealing with, and you’re the only known person who is knowledgeable of them. That alone is reason enough to have you here.”

(Y/n) nods not knowing how to respond.

             “I’ve spoken to my superiors and keeping you in UA’s close quarters is the best plan of action. So for the time being, please bear with us.”

             (Y/n) head tilts showing her mild confusion. UA? Is that where they are? And why were they apologizing? None of what has happened is their fault.

             “Uh…Sure,” she answers awkwardly. “I’m just along for the ride at this point. Thanks for giving me a place to live…and I’m sure I’ll come around eventually.”

Giving a smile, Midnight signals for (Y/n) to follow her.

“Where are we going.”

“To the principal’s office.”

Books I Read in May

For the month of May, which was my first real month back to reading books for my own pleasure and not for classes, I read 4 books. Not a lot, I know, but I’m kind of a variable reader - sometimes I devour books in a matter of days, and others it takes me a few weeks. I suppose it depends on how much a book gripped me.  Anyway, for the month of May I read Six of Crows and Crooked Kingdom, both by Leigh Bardugo, as well as Among the Hollow by Roman Ankenbrandt, and American Pharoah by Joe Drape. 

Six of Crows was my first foray into Leigh Bardugo’s Grishaverse. I first heard of the book when I worked at a bookstore, and one of the assistant managers mentioned it as one of her very favorite books she had ever read. I frequently saw the duology when I was straightening shelves or recommending books to teenage readers. When it finally came time for me to leave the store for my next job, I ended up grabbing Six of Crows and buying it with the intention of reading it. I even managed to start it, but then I decided to go back to school, and all pleasure reading went out the window.  It would be another 2 YEARS before I picked Six of Crows back up. Initially I tried out the audiobook - which wasn’t bad but not really my cup, and then I bought it as an eBook as a bundle with it’s sequel. Once I dug in, I couldn’t stop. I devoured Six of Crows in the matter of about a week. I adored the writing - if there is one thing Leigh Bardugo is good at, it’s dialogue and the careful art of showing and not telling. It took me almost 100 pages to understand what the Grisha were and what the deal with this new fantasy world was, but despite that it very much reads as a standalone that does not need the presence of the Grisaverse trilogy behind it.  The story is mildly predictable, but the plot isn’t really what drives the story - it’s the characters. The internal motivations of Kaz, Inej, Wylan, Jesper, Nina, and Matthias are the cornerstone of this story, and they’re what make it a truly enjoyable read - not necessarily the story itself. I imagine, if you wanted a definition of a character driven story, this would be it. The characters - in particular Kaz and Inej gripped me pretty much immediately, and I was completely invested in them and what they had gone through. It also totally emotionally compromised me.  Rating: 5/5 Stars The same could be said of Crooked Kingdom, though this one felt a little bit less cohesive than Six of Crows, which had a clear goal. Crooked Kingdom has the Crows being pit against just about everyone in Kerch, and with everyone looking for a piece of them, the story felt a little all over the place for it. That said, we got more of that sweet, sweet character backstory and development, and I will not deny that I was completely incapacitated by Kaz and Inej’s moments together. I felt pleased to have continued with these characters, and it was a real page turner - I had intended to give myself a few days before starting Crooked Kingdom after finishing Six of Crows, but I HAD to know what happened next so I started it pretty much within an hour of finishing the first book.  When it comes to THAT scene, it was a bit more emotionally upsetting than I anticipated. The character involved was not one of my favorites, and I found them kind of problematic as a character. That didn’t stop me from tearing up. I feel, perhaps unlike many other fans of this book that it was a “justified” moment. I will go further into detail at another time about this specific scene with spoilers, but not in this recap.  Ultimately the story felt extremely satisfying. I was glad to see where it ended, and was so incensed about not getting to continue with certain characters that I pretty much threw my Kindle away from me in a fit of frustration. I desperately want to know where these characters end up, so if Leigh Bardugo could come out with a third book and make it a trilogy, I would be forever in her debt.  Rating: 5/5 Stars After that whirlwind I ended up deciding to read Among the Hollow by Roman Ankenbrandt. This is a debut work, and apparently didn’t really make a big splash when it was released. It has less than 50 reviews between Goodreads and Amazon where it was self-published. This one was a surprise for me. The reviews for it are exceptionally high, so I hoped that perhaps it would be a fun one - and it was. But it also was extremely refreshing. The setting is inspired by Ancient Byzantium - a setting that is exceptionally uncommon in my experience, and it features my very favorite kind of magic to use in stories - necromancy. If you know me, you know that I’m absolutely crazy about Garth Nix’s Old Kingdom Series. They’re some of my very favorite novels, so this was a no brainer for me. The interpretation of Necromancy ended up being the surprise. The magic system of how it works is very soft, but is present just enough that I do not feel as though I don’t understand it.  When it comes to the characters, our main cast is that of Sevila, and Aurel. Aurel is a spirit that contracts with Sevila to get their body back, and from there it’s a whirlwind. Perhaps one of my favorite aspects of this story is that Aurel desperately wants to do good things, but people are so scared of them as a spirit that they cannot. Sevila, who has the capability, has no desire to do good things, and the conflict between Aurel and Sevila over that is interesting. Of the two of them, however, Sevila is probably my favorite character - she is barely likable, and is a strong morally grey main character. Also, I love that she’s an unabashed lesbian who does not pretend to be something she is not. The book races towards it’s end very quickly, and my biggest gripe about the whole book is that it feels too short. At 299 pages on the eBook edition it is on the shorter end of books I have read. Perhaps I am greedy, and merely wanted to spend more time with the characters in that setting, but I strongly felt that some scenes could use some fleshing out, or new scenes could have been added between Sevila and Aurel. Ultimately, it is a very good debut book, and I hope this author publishes more in the future. At the end of the book there very much feels like there is more story to tell, more adventures to be had.  Rating: 5/5 Stars The final book I read for the month was American Pharoah by Joe Drape. This is a biography about the 2015 Triple Crown winning horse. A little background information if you will - I am an avid horse racing fan. I watch it regularly (have it set to record on Hulu!), and have watched the Triple Crown races every year since I was around 8 years old. I have had my heart broken by horse racing more times than I’ve been in relationships.  My relationship with the sport is still contentious at times. I don’t care for most of the breeding practices, and I don’t like that people with money throw it around to get essentially a commodity, not an animal. The Thoroughbred breed has suffered for it.  So when it came to reading this book, I was a little apprehensive - it claims to be an untold story. The story of American Pharoah is quite well known among horse racing fans - so what could be untold? Ultimately, it was the stories of his connections, and his early training years that were untold, I suppose.  The owners of American Pharoah, Zayat Stables - especially Ahmed Zayat don’t come out of this book looking particularly good. In fact he looks like a billionare with too much money to throw around and a “get rich quick” scheme to boot. Bob Baffert, legendary trainer as he is, is given a softer approach, but not by much. The book makes sure to mention his previous to 2015 doping scandals and the time he got scammed by a guy. This is compounded by hindsight too; Bob Baffert’s second Triple Crown Winner - Justify (2018 winner) - was revealed to have been doped (intentionally or not is irrelevant) in the race before the Kentucky Derby, and the scandal rocked the horse racing world quite heavily - it even ended up on the New York Times.  As the book says, there are very few saints in the Horse Racing industry.  On top of examining the human connections to this once in a life time horse, the book also examines the effect that the rich and elite have had on the industry - everything from purchasing habits to breeding trends - the most damning part of the book is how it details the pervading millionaire view of race horses as personal ATMs, how they don’t even know the names of the people who care for their horses, and worst perhaps of all, their desires have shaped the breed itself. Horses used to be raced upwards of 20 times in their lifetimes, and their conformation - or the way they are built - reflected their stamina and strength. Today’s Thoroughbreds barely race more than 10 times in their entire career, and much has been published examining the fragility of the breed in the wake of Eight Belles and Barbaro’s very public breakdowns on the track.  Even Seth Hancock - perhaps one of the most well known names in horse racing - has said “I don’t breed them like I used to” and that is because people want fast horses, not strong horses. This book drives that point home multiple times.  Ultimately, the book itself is a fast read, and enjoyable to boot, though it spends an uncomfortable amount of time giving the lurid details of Thoroughbred horse breeding. My biggest gripes with it is that it has a few grammatical errors and I found the passage about Bob Baffert being scammed a tad unnecessary.  Rating: 4/5 Stars For the Month of June I intend to finish a few books I started in May - The Graves are Walking by John Kelly, Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir, and Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo. I also intend to (if I can get through the depressing but enlightening account of the Irish Potato Famine) read If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio, The Vine Witch by Luanne G. Smith, The Empress of Salt and Fortune by Nghi Vo, and The Last Temptations of Iago Wick by Jennifer Rainey. 

just stay here tonight

HEY SO, FRIDAY NIGHT CHAPTER FOR FRIDAY NIGHT? WHO’S WITH ME FOR SOME MAGIC? COLLEGE AU UPDATE COMING AT YOU LIVE!

Get your kleenex out just in case...because...I needed mine...

Episode title brought to you by Augustana and one of my favorite songs from them. :)

fic episode masterpost

--

Thursday is forgettable, with the exception of the mildly entertaining but all-out cringe of Cullen’s appearance in the dorms. Friday, on the other hand? Non-stop anguish. Not the Greek tragedy kind, per se, but wondering: wondering if she knows just exactly what the fuck she’s doing, primarily. For too long, Olivia has gotten used to people chasing her down for exactly what they want from her, and what she wants from them, and nothing else. Indulging people rather than engaging has been her modus operandi since she was on the edge of seventeen.

So, understandably, Friday evening in preparation for her gambit is...interesting.

After spending a couple hours getting it all ready, and packing up the teeny trunk of her vehicle, the task at hand becomes getting her own ass together. Something that everyone wants to have a say in, apparently. Or, if you’re Sera, a knock on her door followed by a “knock her dead, Liv, wear the spiked stilettos! They’d make a clean kill!”

Then, there are the texts:

Ellinor: Hey dude, let me know how it goes, okay? I wish you’d tell me what you’re doing.

Ellinor: Okay I know you have your own life but it’s also like ⅓ mine so…

Ellinor: Fuck I think Cullen might be one of those people who unironically likes raisinettes…

Ellinor: oh my god I’m sorry this is about you but I’m nervous so I keep blabbering WHY CAN’T YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU’RE DOING SO I DON’T HAVE TO PULL APART THESE RED VINES LIKE A MASOCHIST??

Theia: It doesn’t matter what happens I’m still killing her ok. The bitch has it coming.

Theia: [ CHICAGO . GIF]

Josie: NO YOU ARE NOT. WE HAVE DISCUSSED THIS.

Theia: That...was not meant for group chat. Yikes, sorry babe.

Josie: Right.

Lace: Lol another one for the fuck-up screenshots

Lace: Good gay mojo your way, Liv.

The sentiments are all appreciated, but they don’t really hit home. All alone in her room, putting on makeup and feeling like Mulan in the montage before she rides off to the army, it’s all a wonder as to why Cassandra agreed to go on this escapade. It’s as if she’s been fooled into thinking Olivia has a clue. Or, maybe she’s riding along to witness the impending crash-and-burn. A final act of karmic vindication, perhaps.

She picks out a black tank bodysuit and high-waisted, blue skinny jeans. Besides, where they are going isn’t exactly ‘fine goth attire required.’ However, the one staple that will not be left behind is her black leather jacket. Lacing up her converse and slapping on some gloss, and a hair tie on her wrist, and she’s ready to go.

The walk to their suite is an unfamiliar one, but one Ellinor did enough to be able to tell her off memory where to go. Right down to the number on their door. She should ask Ellinor to make a map, just in case, for teasing purposes -- but she looked too busy on cloud 9 earlier that day thinking about her own plans with Rutherphallus. One day, maybe, she’ll stop calling him by demeaning euphemisms. One day. But that day is not today.

Olivia paces in a weird circle a couple of times just outside the suite, hands on her hips as she does her best to remember she has lungs to breathe with. The actual door, the nice door, the one that looks like it works well and is nicely painted. Dorm room doors aren’t this nice. Crap. She’s quietly holding off an implosion. What if she says no after all this? What if she doesn’t like her outfit? What if she’s mean again? God, she can be mean. But then, she stops. Remembers when Cassandra was cornered in the library, and said with such earnest relief in her face that she felt like she could be herself around her. That Liv didn’t make a big deal of things. Psh, well, that was a misinformed belief. Misinformed but...kind.

Taking one last deep breath, she wipes her palms against her denim and knocks on the door. Within ten seconds, it opens. No monsters or ghosts or natural disasters -- no, it’s her, just her, on her other side. Cassandra, in black jeans and a grey v-neck sweater, and all-black tennis shoes like the ones Olivia would wear in high school, except nicer.

Her heart jumps into her throat as Cassandra grins and steps back. “Hey,” she says, all calm and collected and...and...just...fine.

“Hey,” Olivia gets out, her brows lifted along with her pulse rate. “You...you are awake still!”

“Yeah...you said 11.”

“I did. I did say...11. 11 in the evening. PM. Night...time…” she shakes her head and cuts herself off before she sounds too ridiculous. Maybe it’s too late, though. “Um, yeah. You...ready to head out?”

Cassandra, who’s been watching her feud with herself, only smiles and breaks away from the door. Bless her. “Yeah, I’m good, I just need to grab my coat.’

“Right! Yeah, good idea. Night is cold, and...yep, good call. Smart--”

“Liv.”

She blinks, and realizes she’s been looking off into space while talking. Dammit. “Yeah?”

“You’re not very good this, are you?”

“This...this what?”

Cassandra chuckles, and turns back toward the inside of the suite. “I’ll be right back. Try not to scare the neighbors.” She is back quickly, sliding a dark purple duffle jacket on, keys dangling in her hand as she pulls the door shut behind her and locks it. Olivia rocks on her heels in the meantime, looking down either end of the hall -- not a soul to be seen, for a Friday night -- before Cassandra faces her again.

“Alright, where to?”

“Oh, yeah, my car. It’s...gonna be a little bit of a walk to the parking lot, but, you know the parking pass prices are just...bullshit.”

“Yeah.”

They stand there for another awkward few seconds before Olivia once again has it dawn on her she has to lead the way. Fuck. She kicks herself into gear, and Cassandra follows, staring at her like she’s an animal planet show host taking notes on a creature’s behavior. Or, maybe she’s just...fine...and Olivia feels that. Whatever, same difference, right?

The walk happens silently, save for a few polite smiles whenever one of them opens a door for the other. Oh, and Olivia patting her back pocket to make sure she brought her keys. When they get to the lot, and she sees her valiant steed parked, she feels more at home.

“So, ever ride in a mini with muscle?”

“Excuse me?” Cassandra glances at her as they step onto the asphalt.

Olivia giggles under her breath. “A mini with muscle. You know, one with some….like, ‘oomph’ under the hood?”

“I would not know what ‘oomph’ means, but in your hands, I have my concerns.”

“Hah! Funny, very funny.” They diverge from one another, Cassandra going to the passenger door while Olivia goes around the back. She pulls out her keys and unlocks, sliding in nice and smooth. Cassandra is more polite and careful, but she settles in next to her. She probably doesn't spend much time in small cars. Olivia gets more giddy with anticipation, putting up her hair into a simple ponytail.

“...many concerns,” Cassandra reiterates.

“Psh, what?” Olivia scrunches her nose, her hands falling into her lap. “You think I don’t walk what I talk?”

“No, in fact I’m wondering quite the opposite.”

“Why be afraid of a woman who knows how to handle a good car? I wasn’t afraid of you when we rode on your bike.”

Cassandra rolls her eyes, grabbing for the seat belt. “I am going to go ahead and prepare myself the way I should, since I have a feeling as to how this is going to go should I tease you further. Or if I dare ask where it is you’re taking me at this hour.”

Olivia watches her, and she can’t help but smile. She leans forward with one arm on the wheel, and she sticks the key into the ignition. Turning the car on, she can’t help but love the way the engine purrs.

“Don’t worry, Cass. If I did want to murder you, I’d think of something far more theatrical. Public, with live music and dancing, or something.” she sits back, pulling her own seat-belt on. After that, her hand goes to the stick and her foot to the pedal. In response, Cassandra rests the side of her thigh against her door and plants an elbow on it. She looks unconvinced, or intrigued by something.

“What?”

Cassandra raises a brow. “That is the first time you’ve ever called me Cass. Not Cassandra. Or Pentaghast, for that matter.”

Olivia scoffs, and checks her mirror real quick. “No it’s not.”

“Yes, it is.”

“...Uh, okay, so what? I mean, you want me not to?” she looks over, brow cocked.

Cassandra shrugs and settles in. It’s impossible to know whether she is pleased or displeased by it. Ellinor’s called her Cass, so has Cullen. But it’s a mystery as to whether either of them ever asked about it. But, to her credit, Cassandra looks ahead.

“Do your worst, Olivia.”

Her tongue presses against her smiling teeth, and Olivia feels the engine warm up at last. “With pleasure.”

--

They drive through town, get on the freeway and past a few exits until Olivia finds the one she’s after. The whole time she is either on par with the speed limits or past them, but once she gets to the outskirts of the county, the traffic goes scarce. Even for a Friday night. A few turns and twists, and she’s on a highway winding incline, up one of the few canyon peaks in the nearby area of rolling hills and flat valleys.

She knows she’s getting close when mostly barren trees start to heavily line the two-lane path, and her mini as always runs like a dream. She has her spotify playing low on the radio, something with a heavy guitar but she can’t quite make out the vocals.

“Well, what do you think?” she asks, as she pulls and hugs tight another sharp turn in the road, engine growling as she accelerates out of it.

Cassandra as far as she has seen, keeps her gaze out the window or on her. Sitting still, but not on edge. “You are asking me for my opinion on your driving?”

Olivia smirks. “I was thinking more about the car, but, I had prepared myself emotionally for your scathing review.” Another turn, this time to the left, and she handles it beautifully. These roads are like the back of her hand, a sight she’s known at all hours and all seasons. Headlights are all she needs.

Cassandra bends her knees a bit more. “I think…” she pauses, while Olivia pulls into what appears to be a destination. Or, rather, a parking lot. “You broke at least three laws in the process, but, I can’t say you don’t know what you’re doing.”

“Agh! Bullshit,” Olivia challenges, a subtle laugh in her tone, “I only broke one. Near the turnpike, that’s it.”

“No, you broke three, the second was speeding, and the third was speeding and--”

“Ohoho,” her laugh continues to bubble as she pulls into a parking spot, the only car in the lot by the looks of it, “I sped? No fucking way!” she gasps, pretending to be astonished.

She pushes the stick into place and yanks up the parking brake. They look at each other, now stopped and still, the car lulling. Cassandra doesn’t look flushed or nervous like other people she’s taken along for rides. Maybe she’s been well-conditioned by everything else; too well-conditioned, to be frightened of a fast car and even faster driver. Olivia can only turn the key back and turn off the car; the headlights go out, and the one above their heads comes on.

“Well,” she exhales, adrenaline still surging in her veins, “we’re here.”

“And where is ‘here’ exactly?”

“A park.”

“A...park?” she looks around, through the windows. Not much to see, though.

“Heh,” Olivia unbuckles herself, “come on, you’ll see what I mean. But I have stuff in the trunk for us.”

“Does it happen to be a shovel and body bag? Or even better, a driver’s ed manual?”

Olivia groans and shoves her door open. “No, I’m afraid those are both in my Barbie pink jeep at home. Resting on the squeaky horn rather comfortably like you are on my last nerve.” She gets out, and Cassandra does too, and for a moment they look at each other over the car roof.

Cassandra unzips her jacket but keeps it on. “Fair enough,” she concedes, and they shut their doors. Venturing into the back trunk, Olivia pulls up the door and finds what she left in there: a basket, with its contents covered by a draped, folded heavy blanket. A two-hand job, but not too bad. She picks it up and manages to pull the door back down, all the while Cassandra stands back somewhat looking like a woman of action left without a an action to commit.

“You need help?”

“No, no,” Olivia teases, hitting the button on her car alarm. The lights flicker and she turns to face her. “I am a capable person, capable of many things besides blatant crime. You just need to trust me.”

“You don’t know what you ask,” Cassandra counters, hands going into her jacket pockets, “but fine, I go where you go.”

“Yes,” Olivia closes in on her, until she’s about a foot away, “and tonight, I go there, over that small bridge and up the trail. Come on!”

More walking, and more silence. It’s weird, just a tad, to be acting so congenial after so much heartache. But on the other hand, it’s something she’s craved the whole time: for them to be as they were, as they could have been, had not her pride or her defenses squandered her good graces. The more time they spend not arguing, or ditching each other, the more Olivia dares to hope it can all be redeemed. As they walk on the dirt and wood chip path with only so much as one iPhone flashlight for a little less than a ¼ mile, she appreciates all Cassandra did to open up to her: all the plans, all the exposure. Because the closer they get to where she wants them to end up, the more nerve-wracking it all becomes. Maybe that’s what’s been making Cassandra chuckle and eye her all evening: she’s watching Liv get a taste of her own medicine.

At last, they come to the top of a hillside, where the view is clear over the city below. The spot is all grass and trail, and what looks to be an old rusty playground at the base of it. No lamp posts, no bike racks, no sidewalk. It’s a bit creepy, if you’re a normal person with the usual and healthy fear of coyotes and forest cryptics. But if you’re Olivia Sinclair, it’s anything but.

“Ah, perfect!” She sighs when they come to a stop. “We can stick it here.”

Cassandra looks around, vigilant. “Are you...sure?”

“Yes, sure as any mediocre man.” She sets down the basket on the ground and picks up the blanket. “Don’t worry, I did bring a source of light for you, a mere mortal.”

“Pfft,” Cassandra comes closer, and takes the opposite pair of edges on the blanket so as to help her spread it out. “What, is this where you tell me you’re a vampire? Make me say it while you breathe down my back?”

“Well, shit, now that the rest of the evening’s plans has lost its mystery…”

“Ugh! Do not even!”

Olivia laughs, and with the blanket all out she gets to work with the array of items she’s brought. Four small mason jars with with small white candles in them that she plants on each blanket corner. She gets out a lighter and goes to work on all of them, Cassandra still standing by, loyal but suspicious, as if one could be both at the same time.

“You brought candles?”

Olivia finishes the last one, setting it back down. “Yeah, I need hot wax. You know, for summoning Satan.”

“Olivia!” Cassandra huffs, before stepping onto the woolen fabric and taking a seat. “You’re lucky I’m not one of my peers from my Bible Study. They would start spraying their travel-sized holy water all over you.”

Olivia laughs again, and pulls out some more items from the basket behind her, before she, too, sits down. “I’m sorry, I can’t help it. Old habits.”

“Summoning Satan?”

“Nah, teasing you.”

First, Cassandra gives a side-eye, but when Olivia meets her gaze with a warm smile and an offer of peanut M&M’s she softens. She takes the box from her and opens it. “You brought sustenance for our off-grid affair.”

“Yes, I did. Admittedly, it is mostly stuff I was going to bring with me to the movies with Ellinor tonight. I’m a candy smuggler.”

Cassandra smirks. “You had plans tonight with Ellinor?”

“Yeah, she wanted to go see Star Tr--Wars! Dammit, I always get those confused,” she admonishes herself while getting into her own package of sour patch kids. “Anyways, she’s gone with Cullen, so I doubt there’s love lost.”

“I’m sure he’s loving every minute. He’s a huge fan,” Cassandra knocks the first few pieces back. She looks beautiful, with the way her face and neck are illuminated sparsely by firelight. It’s mesmerizing, especially when her eyes light up in their subtle glow. “You broke plans just to...to bring me here?”

Olivia pulls her knees up against her chest. She’s sitting close enough to talk low, hushed and sweet, but far enough for deniability as to her desires. She sucks on a sour piece of candy and looks out at the landscape. “This place is important to me. I go whenever I need to clear my head. Mostly at night, since I go on drives. Ellinor’s been here, and so has Theia. But I don’t bring anyone else here. Not...well, not until tonight, I suppose.”

Cassandra sets down her box, still chewing. “Theia. Is she your friend, the one you were with at the gala?”

“Yes,” she smiles, reaching and taking her hair out of its ponytail. “We’ve been thick as thieves for years.”

“So,” Cassandra chuckles to herself, “that explains it.”

Oh? Olivia looks at her, eyes narrowed unevenly with confused intrigue. “What?” She looks on as Cassandra squirms a bit, in her own kind of way: shoulders tensing, but her expression otherwise hard to read. Her palms clasping together in her criss-crossed lap.

“She looked like she wanted to fight me. That, and...ugh, I shouldn’t say it. It’s ridiculous of me.”

Olivia shrugged. “Cassandra, if anything is welcome around me, it’s being ridiculous. You should know better than anyone at this point.”

She grins crookedly. Reluctance, coming from someone who has the premium on being mature and logical. “I...I noticed how comfortable you were with her. When you came down the stairs, with your arm in hers. I had no idea who she was but I...I got jealous.”

Olivia sucked on her teeth, holding back the urge to laugh from the ludicrous nature of it all, and instead reached for a few more sour patch kids. Fucking hell, Theia was right. Theia and her weird, weird hunches about social cues. God dammit, she would never hear the end of it if she told her that it worked.

“I’m sorry that happened. It was...I don’t know, the whole night was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have gone, but, my Mom makes demands of me that are few but huge. I wasn’t lying when I said my family keeps me on a weird leash, it’s...it’s a long story.”

“No, I get it. Mine does too. No need to apologize,” Cassandra shakes her head, watching as Olivia eats some more. “It was just me being unreasonable. I am guilty of that. It’s sort of my thing.”

“I wouldn’t say…” Olivia scrunches her nose, and swallows her bite. “Well, okay.” She turns herself to face her, crossing her legs like Cassandra has, only a bit tighter. “So, like, first impression of you, alright? On the soccer field, when you and Cullen came up to ask about the Strokes concert. You were intense, and you didn’t waste any time on extra words or...you know, laughing. But you weren’t someone I’d picture when it comes to the word ‘unreasonable.’ Not even when I got to know you. Intense...focused...serious, but not unreasonable.”

Cassandra leans back on her hands, her legs stretching out with one crossing over the other. More relaxed. “Would it be a deal-breaker if I were unreasonable?”

Olivia tucks some hair behind her ear. “I don’t know. It doesn’t seem to be one of yours. I wouldn’t think it’d be very fair of me to--”

“Oh, so you think you’re the unreasonable one?”

Olivia blinks, and looks towards the woods ahead of her. “I...uh, well…”

“No, no, Ms. Sinclair. You know your words. Make your case.” She’s smiling softly, in that cocky, half-arrogant sort of way. The way that makes you want to believe every word and every thought she’s thinking before she ever says it.

“Um.” Olivia rubs the back of her neck while her mind does its best to put together a coherent response. Not the easiest thing to be done. “I hate to say it, but...I don’t think it’d be nearly as effective as the case you made.”

At that, Cassandra frowns, and peers down at her lap. “Olivia, I was upset, and--”

“No, the thing is,” she takes a half-breath, “you said it yourself you don’t mistake your words. You were right. I like control...but it’s because I like detachment. I want people to like me but I don’t want to risk them letting me down. Oh, and if we need any other filler information, I’m also the Queen of Death in your local Poli Sci class. I mean, if that’s not unreasonable, then…”

Her mind trails off, getting lost in the insecurities she’s named. Once and for all, they’re no longer elephants in the room -- at least for her. In a bizarre way, here, in the middle of a blanket with only four candle jars to light up her world...her world with her...it felt the safest she had been to be herself outside of her close friendships. Far away from anything and everything that’d make her want to shut herself up. In spite of the solace, it’s also sad, and her gaze wanders down as she fiddles with blanket fabric between her fingers. There’s crickets chirping behind her, but not much else to distract.

“You know, Olivia, the soccer field was not the first time we ever came into contact.”

She looks up a bit. That can’t be right; she had never uttered a word to Cassandra before that day. Sure, she existed, and she had seen her around as another person in the crowd, maybe. But never dialogue, and certainly never introductions.

“What?”

Cassandra smiles, and leans up more. “Poli Sci 234. Social movements.”

“But...but you weren’t in that class. I don’t remember you at all--”’

“It was taught by a Professor I had my first year I grew to like a lot. I wanted to take 234, but it wouldn’t fit. I still stopped in once or twice, sat in the back of the class. I still remember...hah,” she bites back a laugh, “you were wearing this big, black bow in your hair, around your ponytail. I didn’t really know what to make of you. This guy was going on and on about his half-soaked opinions, and everyone in the class was checking out. But then you raised your hand and shut him down so mercilessly it was...like…” Cassandra’s chest heaved again with another amazed laugh. “I thought you were going to make him cry.”

Olivia listens, a bit lost at first, but the memory is too stark for her to forget. Oh, she remembers that man. That horrible, libertarian-sympathizing asshole who thought his voice was that of Jesus himself. She gasps her own laugh of disbelief.

“Payten Thompson. Ugh!” she sounds off in disgust. “We...shit! We were discussing the Gay Rights Movement. I remember. He thinks he knows everything there is to know because he’s gay and on the GSA cabinet, but he can’t name the Black trans woman who threw the first shot glass at Stonewall? Fucking bogus.” She rolls her eyes, already starting to see red just recalling the moment she looked across the desks and classmates at him and obliterated his pacifist, respectability-politic drenched opinions.

Cassandra nods. “Yes. It was...so unexpected. At least I thought so. I went to the Professor’s office after that class to visit and he brought you up. Said you were quiet, but when you had something to say, you didn’t hold back. I assumed our paths would cross in classes eventually, so I didn’t really follow up after. Then months passed, and I started seeing this girl hanging out with her friend on the grass by the field. One with a black bow in her hair.”

That bow was a good look. A very good look. Shit luck she lost it at a party and hadn’t been able to find one to replace it. It was pique aesthetic. Well, that wasn’t the point of this discussion.

Olivia finds herself blushing, and she tries to escape it by watching the city lights. “I...didn’t see you in that class. That’s so funny.”

“I’m not really someone who captures people’s attention. Not like you. But my point is, you’re not the only one who likes distance and control.”

“Yeah,” she replies, dismissive of herself, “what a valuable talent I have, getting attention. I should put it on my CV.”

Out of nowhere, or at least to Olivia, Cassandra sits up and places her fingers along the far side of Olivia’s face. With unexpected care and touch she guides Olivia’s gaze back to her. With shocked obedience she follows along, lips parting and eyes rounding.

Cassandra looks determined, assured of herself. Confident, but compassionate.

“Liv, if it’s one thing that doesn’t look good on you, and one thing only, it is being apologetic of what makes you so amazing.”

Her non-stop blush goes into sudden-fever mode. Thank goodness for the dull lighting. Olivia inhales, but is at a loss for words. Well, until she isn’t: the moment Cassandra tries to withdraw her hand.

“No,” she lets escape, voice cracked. She takes hold of it, and holds it to her lap.

Cassandra’s eyes widen but she goes along. “Liv, are you...what are--”

“Cassandra, I…” oh, crap, she’s done so little thinking about this whole night. For someone who says they love control and indifference, she’s throwing it all to the wind. “Look, can I...can I just be honest about something? About...about tonight?”

Cassandra tilts her head. “What, did you actually not forget the shovel?”

“Ugh, no! It’s...it’s not anything like that. I mean it, I’m…”

“What is it then?” 

Well, fuck. Here...goes nothing. She takes a deep breath, something she’s been doing frequently tonight, and closes her eyes for the beginning. The jumping off point. “I don’t want to be happy if it’s without you. I don’t want to be angry if it’s not with you. You...you drive me crazy, and confuse me, but...but you also make me laugh, and you eat the peanut M&M’s I hate but buy anyway because I think maybe this time around I’ll like them, but I never do so I try to pawn them off on Ellinor, and that’s insane of me, but...but you...you make the insane things I do make sense for some reason. I brought you here because I wanted...to say...I wanted to ask you…”

“Ask me...what?”

She re-opens her eyes, and they are starting to sting from the build-up of emotion. The walls are crumbling away into dust and sand, and all she has is one Hail Mary to throw before it’s all botched for good. This would be her only chance, her one chance -- there could be no more believing it could happen some other day, or in some other universe. She was done with the denial. Surrounded by cheap candles and sugar-salt on her tongue, she was going for broke.

“If...if I could...have another shot.”

Cassandra has the best poker face in the world. It’s a good listening face, though. For every second she doesn’t react, Olivia feels herself sinking a foot deeper into the ground. Asking for something she in no way deserves after all the nonsense. But she’s sick of not trying. Which is why, when Cassandra grins to one side, and tucks a leg underneath the other so as to lean further into her, it’s the closest she’ll ever come to believing in a higher power probably in her entire life.

There has to be a rejection on the wings. All the hints, all the signs that Cassandra didn’t want her anymore. Past-tense was past-tense, right? Well, not exactly.

As Cassandra’s eyes half-close, and she leans in slowly with her lips reaching towards hers, it all feels like some bittersweet recreation of a memory. The couch, in the office, when everything went wrong. Butterflies run amok in her, and she freezes. Now Olivia knows how she might have felt. How could she have had the guts to say no to this?

She just has that much integrity.

But she’s not going anywhere this time. This time, she leans in the rest of the remaining couple inches, and they kiss. They kiss. And it’s cautious, like all innocent first kisses are: far and away more docile than what Olivia’s typically gone for. There’s no clamoring, no rigor. Although, in their place is respect and relief. She’ll happily take that exchange as she closes her eyes and submits, not wanting for anything. Her hands go to either side of Cassandra’s face, sliding them against her skin until the ends of her fingers are in her hair. Her short, soft hair. So soft. Their kiss grows, but is steady in its shyness.

Then, she pulls back ever-so-slightly, and her eyes slit open.

“Um, hey...so, this is...awkward, but, I actually...I got somewhere to be…” she whispers, softly grimacing. What better way to cap off a raw moment of vulnerability than a cringey joke?

Cassandra raises a brow, and her hand slides around to the back of Olivia’s neck. “I was right, you aren’t very good at this.” Her lips graze against Olivia’s. “But fine, I dare you to leave.”

Olivia blushes some more, and arches her back against her. “No, I think I’d rather try my luck at tasting the M&M’s again…” she smiles fiendishly, and her eyes flash into Cassandra’s, before she returns her lips to hers. The way Cassandra feels, the way she kisses her, the way her hand feels sliding down her collarbone and onto her shoulder…the warmth of her breath raising, and their rhythm with each other starting to find its way...

She yearns for nothing and nowhere else.

Alright, Awakening thoughts, they were long so let's put it all on tumblr instead of in more transitory form. I feel like this is something I'd regret but also I don't use tumblr as tumblr so maybe not.

Gross terrible dwarf wasn't that terrible actually for the part of the game he's mandatory but I did ditch him immediately so he was never around the rest of the female companions which is probably why. His banter with the guys is okay, probably because neither of them had any buttons for him to push. I'm still sad I didn't accidentally kill him by staying at the city, though. And why would an alcoholic with a compromised liver do better at the joining ceremony anyway?

I did so much worse at sucking up to everyone this time, because I was trying to continue playing the Warden I'd established while last time I built my personality around someone it made sense to be friends with these guys. As a city elf, I was sympathetic to class issues and generally forgiving of mass murder as long as you promised to not mass murder later unless you really needed to, BUT nobles are assholes and mages are scary and I totally do not regret killing that kid. That dovetailed nicely into gameplay because I was running through the game with minimal strategy/party management, so any time there was an enemy spellcaster I just sprinted at them to deal with it personally and a whole bunch of time I killed the guy only to keel over from curse of mortality.

As a result, I got along best with Sigrun. "I ruined this person's life but I had no choice!!!" Of course you didn't the dwarves are SO MEAN they betrayed me twice over (also they poisoned my sister) and also fuck da police and really you did her a favor by getting her to come to the surface where people are only awful some of the time. I gave her half the alcohol I was still carrying on me from last game. I'm actually not certain I maxed out anyone else. Also, all of her prickliness was for people trying to start conversations with her, and you can't really do that, so she was only cranky and unapproachable to everyone else. Relatedly, I found the whole thing about "hey the casteless took up arms to defend this place!!!" to be deeply uncomfortable and the people who said fuck it, let's make a break for the surface had the right of it. Like yes, they did prove they weren't worthless - but you shouldn't be sacrificing yourself covering the retreat to prove you're not worthless to the people who insisted you were worthless in the first place and left you behind to die. (Also I really can't buy they "accidentally" "forgot about" the casteless during the evacuation. A city's worth of dwarves don't accidentally sneak out of anywhere.) Pick up the weapons to do a fighting retreat toward the surface, let those assholes slow down the darkspawn with their deaths the way they meant for yours to. And relatedly NO SIGRUN JUST DITCH THE LEGION OF THE DEAD YOU OWE THE DWARVES NOTHING! You love the surface! You love everything about being up here even more than you hate everything about being down there, at the very least get yourself killed fighting forest demons or something instead of the deep roads.

Anders just has no standards, so even though my responses to everything he said were along the lines of "mages are scary" and "sounds fake but okay" he was just really grateful I didn't hand over my healbot to someone challenging my and my entire organization's authority (after I had previously murdered the last assholes to try that). I think the problem was that my character is forgiving of actual crimes but cranky about lying while he comes off as someone scared to tell the truth. If he just said, "I think mages should get to kill people!" I'd be all "lol cool I also enjoy murder" but he kept trying to argue they weren't dangerous as the underpinning for his argument so I kept responding with "are so!" So I guess the other half was that he wasn't enough of a killer because I got on great with straight up assassins. I am still not over that you give him shiny stuff to make him like you. What is with mages even. How are you shallower than Zevron. Anyway, I feel bad because everything about him was so sad. It's like he'd lost his inside voice during solitary so now he just babbles whatever's in his head out loud and tried to cope by sounding like he's doing it on purpose as a joke. I don't feel like there's anything my non-mage Warden could ever do to really change anything about that, though - sure, he's grateful for whatever you do for him because he has such awful expectations, but it's for the same reason I can't see him believing I'd do anything more than what I demonstrated. It's not like Morrigan where her low expectations are because she's had limited human interaction so she's willing to accept new data points. Also I would like to throw my hat into the bloodsplattered ring - Anders didn't kill the Templars, because he wouldn't lie if he had. He didn't do anything at all because magic is so bad and they're here to keep him from doing any of it, right? After they were dead, he engaged the darkspawn, which explains why it was such a close thing.

Got on well with Nathaniel once he accepted I was right to murder his dad and take all his stuff (still mad BECAUSE TORTURE CHAMBERS NATHANIEL was not an option), and honestly, he barely even put up an argument before then, he was just mildly huffy no matter how nasty I was about it. Nathaniel is just so much a people-pleaser. Actually, that seems like a thing for the rogues. He made a good stab at friendship with Sigrun that got rebuffed for class issue reasons, then came back for a strong second try by saying he totally understands class issues suck. I'm so sad he rebuffed Anders' one attempt at finding common ground because Anders rejects all overtures coming from other people I could see. Also, like, maybe you could have someone ELSE get those phylacteries, Anders? Maybe a person who not only can't be tracked by those things but can straight up turn invisible? And whose entire skillset is based around sneaking into places?

Justice was creepy as fuck A+++++ I only regret I didn't get more of Polite Spirit In Rotting Corpse trying to talk to people. Also, that bit about the lyrium song was very intriguing, especially since it not only came up with the darkspawn, but the Mother seems to think going to the Fade is tied to hearing it.

I only had Velanna on my side for a bit because I was trying to keep the same people in my party but I thought it was hilarious that even if you make no real effort to be convincing she's just like "huh, a split second of self-reflection is enough to make me realize this does all seem like a total setup, whoops!" Then I went straight to the city so she was still in my party and we went to the merchants to tell them I'd dealt with the problem and she was sooooo uncomfortable. Like, not remorseful so much as embarrassed she'd screwed up so bad. Also she was spamming some spell that changed her skin so it was like she was trying to hide the whole time we were there but ineptly because she was no longer in a forested environment and it was as hilarious as every picture of animals failing at camouflage ever was. I realize this is not supposed to be seen as part of her characterization but that's what I love about videogame canon.

The actual plot...I don't know really. So the Architect wants to free darkspawn, but also he said nothing about making it so the darkspawn stop killing everyone and I don't know how I'm supposed to believe his claim he didn't want to kill the Wardens when there is one alive one left, but with broken legs who dies when I find him. And I'm on the side of blights being good for precisely the reason he points out, they kill off massive numbers of darkspawn. (I think it'd have made sense for the reason this Blight was weird is related to the fact there's been a longer than usual time between them - that means the darkspawn population should be much higher.) If he was talking about peace between our peoples, that'd be great, but no matter how many chances I gave him to say that, he kept avoiding the subject. I let him live mostly because my Warden generally let anybody live who wasn't actually in combat with her, and I feel bad about how I overruled my companions and their completely reasonable WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK opinions on that.

I guess it makes sense that waking up as a broodmother would make you way more likely to go crazy, so it really wasn't any more misogynistic than the initial setup already was, but it still meant there was this whole gendered conflict between the rational man of progress and the crazy woman whose feeble mind broke under the strain. And given the Architect was supposed to be unique, why did he have to be a guy anyway? Given the darkspawn are all getting born of regular race females it’d be plausible that a female one might be more lucid, maybe it’s a more successful clone compared to the male form.

(Why does it make total sense that someone can completely transform into an enormous flesh lump and asexually churn out billions of monster babies by magic, but only if they have a regular uterus first? Men are the ones who produce huge numbers of gametes forever if we're being "realistic".)

I actually really loved the shortness of it - the one thing that actually did bug me about Origins was that, although they did have the one big early event, I kept crisscrossing the map doing sidequests so it took me forever. Having fewer total things makes me less able to fritter away my time and so makes it feel like there's a real time limit, and it also made me stress less about completing sidequests properly since redoing it wouldn't be such a trial. Plus the limited party is less painful when it's actually conceivable to replay the game over and over with different people.

I like the idea of having to choose between the city and the keep, but I don't get why killing a few darkspawn to allow evacuation wasn't an option. It'd be one thing if I had to pick initially to stay/go, but I already walked all the way to the city, I can spare five minutes before setting it on fire. Somehow I'm suddenly at the chantry and people are talking about staying and me routing the darkspawn and geeze, you guys wouldn't let the refugees in because your city was too good for them, I didn't actually mind this place burning down. It seems like the point of tension is supposed to be about saving the city itself (the jewel of the region, etc) vs the keep itself, so I don't think it'd have been too much of an issue to have a third option of letting the people escape and getting to the keep slightly later for a harder battle or something.

I wish there was more talking. I accidentally killed the mages because I accepted the quest to find out what it was and then they started attacking me. Also did I really murder people over moonshine because of a prank letter? It seems like there's mostly the option to resolve things peacefully when that's obviously a bad idea, like with the demons and darkspawn. Maybe I wouldn't have kept letting demons gallivant all over the countryside if I had more of a choice about if I wanted to turn every band of mooks into chunky salsa. (Game could also have used a system where resolving things peacefully didn't cheat you out of leveling and items in return for nothing at all.)

Sondam if you like it :D And/Or Tokomaru, as you want !

Thank you so much!!! :D Sorry it took a while! I got distracted today and didn’t think I’d get any, but here you are!

From here: https://kimmysfandomblog.tumblr.com/post/167497972565/send-me-a-ship-and-ill-tell-you

I actually am rather fond of both ships! I sincerely hope I didn’t mess up my characterizations to much for this! It got rather long, being that I did both of them, so under the cut!

By the way, at the two anons, I’m on it! :) Be sure to check the “mehere” or “ask meme” tags!

Sondam:

Funny thing is, I ship it, but I never had to think of how they’d work exactly XD Thanks for giving me a reason to sort that out! It’s a bit shorter than the next answer only because I’m not used to thinking in the minds of SOnia or Gundam, but I hope I understood them well enough to do this!

Who said “I love you” first: I’d have to go with Sonia on this one! Gundam would have more roundabout ways of declaring his love and fondness of her, of course, and Sonia would definitely respond in similar ways, but as for who would actually say “I love you” first, it would most certainly be Sonia!!!

Who would have the other’s picture as their phone background I feel like both of them would? but for Sonia, I can imagine her secretly taking a picture of him when he’s being cute or showing his softer side, like revering his Dark Devas, or feeding some of his pets! And she’d change them out every so often.

Who leaves notes written in fog on the bathroom: While I don’t see either of them doing this, at the same time I can’t help but think of Gundam writing protective spells in the mirror for Sonia! 

Who buys the other cheesy gifts: I can see Gundam buying the cheesy gifts and having his Dark Devas or other pets present them to her!

Who initiated the first kiss: Gonna have to say Sonia! Gundam is still the more guarded person, so I feel he wouldn’t actually think about initiating a kiss, and Sonia is anyways the person more likely to take initiative. I can see Gundam doing things like kneeling and kissing her hand, though ^^

Who kisses the other awake in the morning: You know, I don’t know for sure if they would, but I’d say Sonia would! (If the pets don’t do so first)

Who starts tickle fights: I can’t see them doing this much, but Sonia would totally start, and the Gundam would get really into it and make it out to be a true battle XD I don’t know who’d win honestly!

Who asks who if they can join the other in the shower: Sonia for sure! She’d be way more comfortable to ask Gundam if she can join, than for the opposite to happen hahaha.

Who surprises the other in the middle of the day at work with lunch: I’m not too sure about this one, because if it is in canon, they are both on a ship and on the run. Even if they were to be in disguise and get jobs, I can see them always bringing each other lunch, so it would never be a surprise, just something they’d do and appreciate for each other.

Who was nervous and shy on the first date: While I do believe that both of them would be nervous to some degree, they get along really well and will probably hide their fears. For Sonia, she’d be used to adapting to situations and taking lead. Gundam would take it on bravely, but if Sonia were to do something cute, or compliment him, he’d surely be hiding under his scarf as usual XD

Who kills/takes out the spiders: Gundam would, but only so that he could feed his pets that like to eat bugs/spiders. Sonia would probably be more fascinated than scared by spiders and be willing to watch him feed spiders to the animals.

Who loudly proclaims their love when they’re drunk: Gundam would get drunk first honestly (Sonia, I imagine, would have a very high alcohol tolerance). He’d probably continue to revere his Dark Lady loudly. It’s not an actual bluntly said “I Love You,” but his message is very clear.

Tokomaru: 

Honestly such a cute ship! I mean, I think I understand these two better than Sondam, but I also think I may have made Toko a bit tsundere.... not my intention I swear! She just has issues with trust and affection, and I’m pretty sure she hates clichés (but honestly fantasizes those clichés happening to her, if her fantasies mean anything). I’d say that their relationship would take far more time, because though Toko does trust Komaru, and Komaru is probably the closest she has been to anyone, it wouldn’t sit well that she fell for Komaru because she’d probably never thought she would ever fall in love with a girl and commitment to someone so openly affectionate would cause her to fear that this relationship wasn’t real.

Who said “I love you” first: Has to be Komaru. Komaru is a lot more open about her feelings, so I imagine she’d be the first to admit/realize her love for Toko.

Who would have the other’s picture as their phone background: Also Komaru! But although I don’t know this for sure would happen, I’d say the picture she got was hard-earned! I imagine Toko wouldn’t like having her picture taken, least of all as a way of showing other people she’s Komaru’s girlfriend, and if Komaru had taken a picture sneakily, Toko would probably make a big deal of getting it erased. So I imagine, she’d only allow it after Komaru and her have been dating for a very long time, and under very many conditions that Komaru has to promise to keep.

Who leaves notes written in fog on the bathroom mirror: I’d say Komaru would, because Toko would probably find it a very silly practice (but that doesn’t stop her from appreciating it... more than appreciating it)

Who buys the other cheesy gifts: You know, I’m beginning to think that all of these are going to be answered “Komaru would,” lol. But yeah, Toko would consider cheesy gifts too cliché to buy for Komaru. Komaru might get a little disappointed the first few times, but Toko would take the gift anyways and treasure it (because deep inside, she’s very touched having never thought anyone would do such a thing for her). Eventually, Komaru just learns that what Toko really means is that she really like Komaru’s gifts.

Who initiated the first kiss: Komaru would, and I imagine that while at first they were both pretty stunned, Toko would comment on how horrible it was, Komaru would probably say something like “Oh, come on! It was my first one!” only for Toko to say it could have been worse... and she kind of liked it, anyways.

Who kisses the other awake in the morning: I can totally imagine Komaru doing this, because knowing Toko, she’d be the last one to wake up. Komaru kissing her to annoy her awake, but also just because she wants to give her girlfriend affection. I’d imagine she’d only do this once Toko is more comfortable receiving affection, though!

Who starts tickle fights: Komaru, again! And probably just so that she can get Toko to take a bath XD

Who asks who if they can join the other in the shower: Komaru, but I mean isn’t this canon XD Kidding, but really, she’d not ask, and more like shove Toko in the bath with her to get her clean rather than for anything romantic.

Who surprises the other in the middle of the day at work with lunch: Komaru would totally do this most of the time, especially since, as a writer, I bet Toko forgets to eat often. However, I can also imagine Toko come to see Komaru in her work (whatever that may be... like maybe during a lunch break from Komaru’s training drills as a member of Future Foundation, perhaps?) And surprise her with lunch, under the guise of coming to mock her. Really, though, she was trying to be sweet, but not cliché, and Komaru would probably understand that best!

Who was nervous and shy on the first date: Toko would, because I think she’d overthink it. A part of her wonders if Komaru is being sincere, but Komaru has never not been sincere to Toko. Another part is wondering how Komaru would look having Toko on a date, and how Komaru would be too naive to care. She’d overthink the first date to the point if anything went wrong, even something miniscule, she’d probably burst, or if everything went right, she’d probably be all giggly about it?

Who kills/takes out the spiders: Well I can’t see Toko even caring if there are spiders in the house, nor can I see Komaru having arachnophobia, so I’d say Komaru would just to keep the place clean. If Komaru dd have a fear of spiders, TOko would take it out just so that she can get Komaru to stop screaming.

Who loudly proclaims their love when they’re drunk: Toko and Komaru probably! Depends on whose the designated driver, if ither one of them is. Toko would be funnier to watch drunkenly talking about Komaru, even embarassing things she loves about Komaru, and TOko would probably be ver embarrased taking care of a very clingy and affectionate Komaru that’s so cutely proclaiming how much she loves Toko! That’s how I see it! And if both of them are drunk, it’s going to be so sweet, but mildly disturbing to watch XD

I really hope I didn’t mess up any of these four characters too much :P These were harder to do than I thought, but I had fun! Thanks again for the ask :)

The Yuuei Dorm Laws

AN: Well, I did it for Fairy Tail… might as well do it for BNHA! Rules fic~ I wasn't going to post this at all, honestly – this is a joke thing I did for myself a while ago, but with all the angst I've been posting lately… might as well do something funny. I don't know if I can pull off a chatfic, so here's this instead. Anyhow, lemme know if you want me to continue this or whatever. Kitty out.

Title: The Yuuei Dorm Laws

Summary: The Heroics Department has moved into the Yuuei dorm rooms, and Principal Nedzu realizes that some rules should probably be put in place – for the teachers, the students, and anyone else who happens to get involved.

Warnings: General nonsense, reason being abandoned for the sake of humor, and Kacchan's potty mouth

Pairings: Everyone/everyone else (it's a list fic and I'm writing it – what the hell were you expecting?)

Aizawa Shouta – As a teacher, you should endeavor to act as a role model for your students. Showing up to class with a sleeping bag and a hangover, saying "today we're learning about spontaneous silence – anyone who talks in the next four hours fails," and falling asleep is not acting as a role model.

All For One – Stop persuading your guards to commit tiny acts of vandalism on school grounds. The government isn't going to let you go just because "the police force is corrupt".

Amajiki Tamaki – Asui is not going to eat you. Frogs do not eat people (or octopi or even clams, to the best of my knowledge). Please come out of the basement.

Aoyama Yuuga – Stop throwing glitter at people.

Ashido Mina – I don't care what Kaminari said. Do not cover his bed sheets – or anyone else's – in acid ever again.

Asui Tsuyu – If you see a student with compact eyes and antennae, you are not to beginning following them and whispering "frog food" at random intervals. Please apologize to the seven students that have locked themselves in the basement and convince them to come out.

Awase Yousetsu – "Killing two birds with one stone" is a figure of speech, not a challenge. Stop throwing rocks at Tokoyami.

Awata Kaoruko – Enough with the "fucking bubbles" meme. We get it.

Bakugou Katsuki – "Fuck the police" is not an excuse for setting off firecrackers in Iida's room, even if you do think he was policing you. This applies even if he is dressed as a police officer.

Bakugou Mitsuki – If your son asks you for a rather specific outfit, get context. If the words "dare", "evidence", or "Monoma Neito" are part of that context, please do not give your son that outfit. This applies even if "Monoma" is replaced with "that copy-cat bastard" or a similar insult.

Bakugou Masaru – You cannot adopt your son's friend group, no matter how happy you are that said group exists.

Bondo Kojirou – Cementoss is not trying to usurp you. That doesn't even make sense.

Bubaigawara Jin – Stop asking the students to help you become Deadpool. You are not, and should not ever be, Deadpool.

Chatora Yawara – You may not "forget" to apprehend a villain because the person she is attacking misgendered her. Arrest the villain and then scold the civilians.

Dabi – Todoroki does not need your help to be a deviant. He is doing just fine on his own. You are not "Super Fire Bros".

Desutegoro – Stop trying to schedule all your meetings on "February 51st".

Ectoplasm – Detentions cannot be assigned for an indefinite period of time, no matter how insulted you feel. Honenuki will not be in detention for "the rest of his goddamn life", and he was probably not trying to offend you anyway.

Eri – You were in a bad situation, and a negative reaction is understandable. That said, please stop threatening to castrate people with your horn. How do you even know that word; you're like five.

Fat Gum – The fact that Satou and Yaoyorozu also have food-related Quirks does not mean you need to mentor them. Two students are enough.

Fourth Kind – "Having a katana" and "having the right to threaten people with a katana" are not synonymous.

Fukidashi Manga – Your Quirk does not give you the ability to "see beyond the fourth wall". Stop trying to convince people that we are all trapped within a shounen series. That is ridiculous.

Gran Torino – "Kick 'em in the dick", while an effective battle strategy, is not appropriate advice to give to children.

Gunhead – Stop trying to set Uraraka up with Midoriya. You're probably right, but they have bigger things to worry about.

Hadou Nejire – Stop asking villains questions. You're supposed to be arresting them, not sharing good places to get shoes.

Hagakure Tooru – Bakugou's inability to hear what you're saying is not going to stop him from punching you for talking about him behind his back. He'll find out, you'll get punched, and no one will feel sorry for you. If you absolutely must insult him, either learn sign language or get a translator and do it to his face.

Hakamata Tsunagu – Not everyone is comfortable in denim. Deal with it.

Hatsume Mei – "It seemed like a good idea at the time" is not only a terrible excuse in general, but also a completely invalid one that does not explain the giant robotic velociraptor currently patrolling the school grounds.

Hikiishi Kenji – Killing people for misgendering you is illegal. Please find other ways to express your displeasure.

Honenuki Juuzou – Do not challenge Ectoplasm to a "who can scare the most children with only their face" contest. I don't care that you think it's a compliment; you're hurting his feelings.

Iguchi Shuuichi – Hoshigaki Kisame has not challenged you to a sword fight. Hoshigaki Kisame is not a real person; he is a fictional character, and you know this.

Iida Tensei – Your little brother has a lot of respect for you. Stop abusing that respect by suggesting he do ridiculous things. He will.

Iida Tenya – Please do not dress up as a police officer when inspecting your classmates' rooms. You are only asking for trouble. I don't care what your brother said.

Inui Ryou – Do not tell students to mark their territory. The janitor would like you to know that anything that gets urinated on is your responsibility.

Ishiyama Ken – If Bondo declares you his "eternal rival", you are to ignore him, not encourage his behavior. Insanity does not "build character".

Jirou Kyouka – Do not start playing the One Punch Man theme song whenever Midoriya is about to punch something. This holds true for All Might too, as well as anyone else who tends to punch things in an over-dramatic manner.

Kaibara Sen – Having a name similar to that of a fictional character does not make you that fictional character. Stop challenging people to Duel Monsters.

Kamakiri Togaru – Collecting insects is a perfectly reasonable hobby. Using them to terrifying other students is not. Please apologize to Kouda so we can take the anteater back to the zoo and you can come down from the tree.

Kamihara Shinya – Bakugou does not need to be followed 24/7. Surely the No. 5 hero has better things to do.

Kaminari Denki – This school does not need an electric fence. You are not permitted to skip class in order to act as one.

Kan Sekijirou – Please stop encouraging your students to try and one-up Eraserhead's class. This will not end well.

Kayama Nemuri – Do not put smoke bombs in the teachers' lounge ever again. I can and will start making you wear normal clothing if this behavior continues.

Kendou Itsuka – You are not Lady Flyswatter, Queen of the Bitch-Smack. So stop bitch-smacking your classmates.

Kirishima Eijirou – If someone asks you to pass the salt, they are asking you to hand them the white crystalline substance used for seasoning. They are not asking you to pick up and throw Bakugou at them. Please desist.

Kodai Yui – Stop trying to scare Bakugou and Todoroki. I cannot promise you will continue to emerge unscathed.

Komori Kinoko – You are not required to provide "magic mushrooms" to anyone who asks or doesn't ask. In fact, you are actively discouraged from doing so.

Kouda Kouji – You are not allowed to "do favors" for animals in the zoo. I don't care how badly that polar bear claims to need a cup of coffee, he can't have one.

Kurogiri – While I am personally unsure of the League of Villains' hierarchy, you seem to be the most mature. If there is anything to do to stop your cohorts from playing mildly annoying but otherwise harmless pranks, please do it.

Kuroiro Shihai – "It's because I'm black, isn't it" jokes are not appropriate coming from a fully Japanese person; even if you are technically black in color, you do not have African heritage. Stop before you offend someone.

Lock Rock – Tsunotori and Rin do not need you to adopt them, regardless of whatever Fat Gum told you. That said, if you have any pointers on avoiding xenophobia, I'm sure they'd be delighted to hear them.

Maijima Higari – Tell Hatsume to get rid of that raptor. Or at least make her do something useful with it.

Midoriya Inko – No, you cannot adopt your son's class. Yes, this applies even if they have all called you "Mom" at some point. You also cannot adopt the teachers or the villains. I don't know why I have to tell you this, but apparently it needs telling.

Midoriya Izuku – The fact that anyone with a sex drive seems to be attracted to you does not mean that you had a secret Quirk all along. Said Quirk is not "The Love Bug", and you will stop insisting otherwise.

Mineta Minoru – "Stuff a sock in it" is a figure of speech. You are not expected to eat socks, nor are you expected to carry around socks so you can try and force other people to do eat socks.

Mizushima Masaki – "Don't stop believin'" is not your official theme song. You're from Toyama Prefecture; I doubt you've ever even been to Michigan, much less south Detroit.

Monoma Neito – While Bakugou probably will do pretty much anything if you so much as hint that he's incapable of it, I feel like I should remind you that such a situation may not turn out in your favor, though one would hope you figured that out on your own when you (and everyone else in the vicinity) learned that not only does he see nothing wrong with clothing generally associated with women, he looks damn good in a tutu. And he knows it. Lording this over his head will only get him to dress in drag again. I have to ask you to avoid provoking him, if only because several students who thought they were aware of their orientation are suddenly reconsidering (which is, of course, absolutely fine, but probably shouldn't be happening at school).

Nishiya Shinji – You are not the Lorax. You do not speak for the trees.

No. 13 – You are not legally obligated to begin back-up requests with "Housten, we have a problem", and you will stop telling people otherwise.

Ojiro Mashirao – You chose the hero name "Tail Man". Now you're going to have to live with the consequences.

Overhaul – Todoroki Shouto has publically declared you to be the worst father of all time. Take a moment to think about that.

Rappa – Stop trying to fight Kirishima. I don't care how "badass" you think he is. He has homework to do. You can't fight any of the other students either.

Rin Hiryuu – If you are actually being bullied because of your ethnicity, please tell an authority figure (me, the principal). Stop trying to guilt-trip people into giving you food.

Ryuukyuu – Stop telling people that the Dragon Balls are real. They aren't, and you can't grant wishes.

Sakamata Kuugo – Do not try to convince students to "rebel against the tyranny of Sea World". You are not being as subtle as you think you are.

Sako Atsuhiro – If you absolutely must ask Shigaraki to give you "a hand", do not do so on school grounds. You can and will be arrested, no matter how funny the students seem to think you are.

Satou Rikidou – If a villain breaks into the school, alert the proper authorities. Do not bake them a cake in exchange for them leaving. Even if it works, you're just encouraging them to come back again later.

Selkie – "Captain" is not part of your hero name. You do not have the right to arrest people for not calling you that, especially if you are not on your boat at the time.

Sero Hanta – I understand that boys your age like to roughhouse. That is perfectly fine. I only ask that you not use your elbows, as you could do some serious damage.

Shigaraki Tomura – Please stop breaking into the school and taping up crudely drawn pictures of tap-dancing monkeys with socks mooning the viewers. While your creativity is certainly nothing to scoff at, this is inappropriate behavior. Also, you're a criminal, so you shouldn't be here unless someone arrested you. No, you cannot demand fuzzy pink handcuffs, even if Yaoyorozu is happy to oblige.

Shinsou Hitoshi – Stop kidnapping Aizawa's cats. I do not want our teachers sending death threats to students; it's bad for publicity.

Shiozaki Ibara – Smacking someone with a Bible is not an appropriate method of combat, no matter how much you think they "need Jesus".

Shishida Juurouta – Unless you can turn into a prince at will, you are not "the perfect candidate for a new Beauty and the Beast movie" and you will stop insisting otherwise.

Shiretoko Tomoko – I understand that the loss of your Quirk has upset you. However, breaking into All For One's prison cell to demand he give it back is not only very dangerous but also very illegal. I advise against it.

Shouda Nirengeki – I understand that Shinsou's actions in the Sports Festival made you feel uncomfortable. I do not understand why you think the appropriate "vengeance" is following him around and hitting him with a pool noodle.

Shouji Mezou – Mineta should not be trying to get people to eat socks. You should not be helping him.

Shuuzenji Chiyo – "The little shit had it coming" is not an excuse for refusing to heal a student, even if they did have it coming.

Sirius – Please refrain from lashing out at Harry Potter jokes. You knew exactly what you were getting into when you chose that name.

Sir Nighteye – Plus do not leave your All Might body pillow out in the open. Midoriya doesn't need any more ideas.

Snipe – Your active hours cannot only be "high noon".

Sousaki Shino – While on my campus, you follow my rules. Stop telling the children that anarchy is an option to alumni.

Takeyama Yuu – There is no law stating that you and Ashido have to watch "Monsters vs. Aliens" together. You should not be telling her otherwise.

Tetsutetsu Tetsutetsu – There is nothing you or I can do to stop people from adding a "Tetsu" or two to your name. Learn to live with it.

Todoroki Enji – I have no say in the sort of activities the students partake in after school hours. Thus, should your son wish to gather a bunch of his classmates and egg his own house while you're away, I'm afraid there is little I can do to stop him. What a shame.

Todoroki Fuyumi – While I understand that you are happy that your youngest brother has begun socially connecting with his classmates, I have to ask that you not treat this as though it is his sixth birthday. Please stop showing up carrying pink cupcakes with hearts and smiley faces.

Todoroki Shouto – As amusing as it is to watch you infuriate your father, I must ask you not to break any laws. If you do, I will be able to stop you, and that is not something either of us desires. Full steam ahead (but only legally)!

Toga Himiko – Whether or not your hips are honest is none of my concern. Yours hips, as well as the rest of you, are not allowed on school grounds. Please stop flirting with/trying to stab my students.

Tokage Setsuna – If you are responsible for the creation of Hatsume's velociraptor, then you are also responsible for any damages in causes.

Tokoyami Fumikage – If you stand around dramatically on the roof, people will laugh if/when you fall. They will be justified in doing so.

Toogata Mirio – I understand that you are sick of Tintin jokes. I expect you to understand that Recovery Girl is sick of fixing broken noses.

Tsuburaba Kousei – Stop stalking Todoroki. I don't care if you're only doing it to protect him from the press, stalking is still stalking.

Tsuchikawa Ryuuko – You are thirty-one years old. Do not flirt with teenagers.

Tsunotori Pony – If Monoma tells you how to say something, double check with someone in your class first.

Uraraka Ochako – Please do not try and convince your classmates to refer to All Might as "Dad-sensei". Please also refrain from convincing them to refer to Midoriya Inko as "Mom". Please also stop trying to hook them up.

Yagi Toshinori – Do not encourage your students' delusions of grandeur, whether it's Bakugou claiming to be invincible or Midoriya claiming to be some sort of sex god.

Yamada Hizashi – Stop encouraging Jirou to annoy people with music. Stop helping her annoy people with music.

Yanagi Reiko – I am going to assume that you are the reason several people think the third floor girls' bathroom is haunted. You are not Toire no Hanako-san. Stop it.

Yaoyorozu Momo – I am legally obligated to advise you that providing Todoroki Shouto and his cohorts with eggs is, while not illegal, frowned upon. That said, so long as you can prove that you don't know what they're using them for, there's really nothing anyone can do to stop you from "feeding eggs to your hungry friends". Also, if Shigaraki Tomura appears and informs you that he refuses to be arrested unless it's with fuzzy pink handcuffs, do not feel obligated to provide them.

AN: That's chapter one! I won't be able to post it 'till later, so I'll write something else in the meantime… For those of you who don't know, "Toire no Hanako-san" (or "Ms. Hanako of the Toilet) is a Japanese spirit who was murdered in a bathroom and now haunts them. There are a few interpretations of her, but I'm just referencing her here. Lastly, don't expect this to make any sense. It's solely for shits and giggles. PWP ("puns without plot"), if you will. Anyhow, let me know what you think, and I'll see you next time! Kitty out.

Hello! I am absolutely in love with your Designation: Miracle series. They are the best stories I've ever read for KnB. I kind of have this headcanon for them, though, that while we know the Miracles are super protective of their own human partners, they are also protective of *each others* human partners. So I was wondering if you could do something like that maybe please? If you don't want to, that's fine, you're still amazing and I love you :)

Kasamatsu has neverspent a great deal of time with the other Miracles, despite the fact that he’sknown them all the longest. He understands now that had been entirely Kise’sintent, and he thinks it’s a good sign when Kise suggests they go shopping withAomine and Momoi. It means that the other boy has finally accepted thatKasamatsu isn’t going anywhere, that he doesn’t need to be so possessive ofKasamatsu’s time, that he doesn’t have to view everyone as a potential threatwho might take Kasamatsu’s attention away from him. Kasamatsu definitelyapproves of all the implications of the progress Kise has made over the years.

He just wishes Aominewasn’t so damn weird.

*

‘Weird’ might be thewrong word, he thinks. Unsettling is probably the more accuratedescription. Kasamatsu has often thought Aomine is like a wild animal on thecourt—all instinct and agility and fierce power. Aomine is loud on thecourt—not vocally, but his presence shouts at everyone who watches. He’ssomeone you pay attention to, whether you want to or not.

Now they’re not on thecourt, they’re hanging out in a shopping mall plaza. Momoi and Kise are cooingover some magazine and Aomine is just staring. Watching, silently, the peoplewho are around them, watching anyone who approaches, watching Kasamatsu.

It’s like he’s on thealert. Quiet, and stealthy, like a hunter.

And it’s veryunsettling.

*

He gets up to buy adrink, mostly to catch his breath more than anything else. He likes all theMiracles, but they can be intense, even when they’re just out having fun.

When he turns to headback someone bumps into his shoulder and says, “Watch it.”

“Sorry,” Kasamatsusays immediately.

“Oh, you’re sorry?”the guy says, and his two buddies snicker. “If apologies were enough wewouldn’t need the cops.”

Kasamatsu blinksbecause it’s just so stereotypical it’s absurd. He’s never had much use forovert displays of machismo, and has no desire whatsoever to engage. “I am verysorry,” he says, mildly. “I’ll be more careful next time.”

“Hey, you think—”

Something slams on thetable next to them, causing everyone to jump. It’s Aomine, suddenly there, bristlingand so obviously ready to fight. “He said he was sorry. You have a problem?”

And Kasamatsu will saythis for the guys, they clearly recognize the bigger threat.

Kasamatsu would laughat how quickly they exit, if he wasn’t so thoroughly confused.

*

“Are you protectingme?” Kasamatsu exclaims.

Aomine’s scowl is morepetulant than threatening. “Yeah, so?”

So you’re my junior,Kasamatsu thinks, so you don’t even go to my school, so I barely know you, so Idon’t need protecting and definitely not from you. All of those thingsseem a bit too harsh to say. He does say, “Why?”

“Do you evenunderstand what would happen to him?” Aomine says, his whole manner shiftingand the anger in his voice gives Kasamatsu goosebumps. He is once againreminded of a predator. “If anything happened to you, that would be it for him,you get that, right?”

Sometimes, it stillmakes him uncomfortable. How much he means to Kise. It scares him sometimes.Not because he doesn’t reciprocate, but because it’s slightly terrifying beingthat important to anyone. He is, perhaps, a bit wary against being someone’s all. And. Well. He does know. He saw abit of what Kise would be like, when they went to Iwatobi.

“I do get it,” hesays, his voice gruff. “But you don’t have to treat me like glass.”

Aomine narrows hiseyes. “I don’t think you do. You have too much power over him. I wish I couldhave stopped it before it got this far. If you ever hurt him…”

“Wait,” Kasamatsufrowns, “Are you protecting me or threatening me?”

“I can do both,”Aomine says. “You’ve always been Kise’s biggest weakness and his biggestthreat.”

Those are, Kasamatsuthinks, both roles he very much does not want to have in Kise’s life and hescowls at the Miracle for saying it. It also distinctly chafes to hear thisfrom Aomine. He pulls himself up straight and raises his chin (not thatit makes much of a difference, since Aomine is taller than him) and he refusesto show any kind of submission to a kid two years his junior. “I would neverhurt Kise,” he growls, and if Aomine were anyone else Kasamatsu might beholding him by his collar. “And I don’t need to you to keep me in line orprotect me.”

Aomine, to hissurprise, just smirks and slings an arm around his shoulder in a friendly manner.“Sure, sure, senpai, whatever you say.”

“Hey!” Kise says whenthey get closer to the table. “No touching Senpai, Aominecchi! Only Iget to touch Senpai, those are the rules—ow!”

“Shut up, brat,”Kasamatsu says. The tap against Kise’s head is barely a flick. He thinks Kise’s“ow” is mostly reactive, part for show, just like Kasamatsu’s tapping is ashow. (He could never actually hurt Kise.) When he sits down again, he takesKise’s hand in his under the table, and his skin grows warmer when Kise looksat him in that intensely-focused Kise way.

Even though he’s notlooking in their direction, he feels Aomine and Momoi’s gaze, and thinksprobably all the Miracles are watching him and watching out for him, and it’s astrange feeling, but not a bad one.

A/N: That is so kind of you to say, thank you, anon-friend! Headcanon 100%accepted!!! I absolutely feel like the Miracles would also beprotective of each other’s significant others. (I picked one in particular, andit got longer than intended, but I do think all the Miracles would feel thesame way about the other’s significant others). I decided I wanted tofocus on Kasamatsu and Aomine, and then also remembered it would work well witha request by @angelsdontflytheysoar who wanted to see someone warn Kasamatsu abouthurting Kise. So thank you, friend, anon-friend, hope you enjoyed!! =D

Therapy 5/17

Went in for a half hour session today. I had thought a lot about what she told me yesterday, that its all because I don't think I’m worth it as a person just as I am. I told her how mind blown I was by it, that I spent a lot of time processing it last night. I had planned on reading her the journal entry I made, but I got really scared. I avoided telling her, and brought up how I hate myself for bing this way. She said that if I keep thinking like that, it will never go away. She brought up that its the same as hating myself for cancer, and that its not any different than anxiety or depression. I said that those things are actual things that are physically wrong with people. This is something thats wrong with who I am as a person. She argued that I am doing neurofeedback to treat it, she’d say thats pretty solid evidence that there’s something wrong. I said that the neurofeedback is treating the anxiety and depression, not the factitious. She said that they’re all interrelated. I was quiet, and was internally debating bringing up the journal or not. Eventually she got me to speak, and I just blurted out that I had journaled about it but I’m chickening out about reading it. She told me to read it, to not waste her time. I hesitated, but did it.

“Yeah, factitious is an illness. But it isn’t some random chemical imbalance in my brain, it's something wrong with me, as a person. Like deep down to my core. And I feel like its my fault that I’m this way. If I wasn't so sensitive or if I could just communicate or if I didn't take things so much to heart it would be different. I feel like I’m a fraud. I don’t even know who the fuck I actually am. I hate the person i’ve become. I hate myself for the pain I've caused other people, and I hate myself for not being able to control it. I hate myself for all of the lies.  I hate myself for being an attention seeking little bitch. Im the type of person I was always told not to be. 

I’m not sure why I can’t seem to believe I’m worth something on my own as a person. It's just this feeling I have in my core that I'm not enough. It seems like normally when people want to be around a person or compliment them, they accept it. They don’t question why someone could see good in them. I don’t remember a time I was able to accept a compliment. I've just never felt like I've been enough as I am, I could always do more or do it better. And I've never really fit in with other people. I would watch others on the playground a lot during recess in elementary school. I wanted to be like them, to fit in without having to overthink every action I made. I wanted to feel like I finally belonged. I’ve always felt like an outsider. Everyone else seemed great at making friends and enjoyed being a child, but I didn’t enjoy the things they did. They seem to just understand it, how to act around other people, what to say, how to be themselves and not do embarrassing things. I always worried about things, I was always afraid I was going to say or do the wrong thing. I never understood why all of the other kids were so happy and carefree. I was so focused on school and my future. I was worried about getting into colleges and scholarships in middle school. I would beat myself up for the smallest mistakes. I had a few close friends who would drop me after awhile, or we’d just grow apart. Erica and I were best friends up until 4th grade, and then she decided that 6th graders couldn’t be seen talking to 4th graders and dropped me like I was nothing. And even with Brian, who I’ve been friends with since we were 4, we would go through periods of times that we just wouldn’t talk, for months. I’ve always had friends, but I’ve always felt like I’m just sort of… there. like all of my friends would go out and do things and get into relationships and like people who like them back and have fun and go on stupid adventures with their best friends and borrow each others clothes, and instead of doing that I’ve always just been some mildly entertaining thing that people take an interest in once in awhile but I’m never anyone’s first choice, and I never have been. I had friends, but I wasn’t invited places. I wasn’t involved in the inside jokes. Nobody texted me, or wanted to hang out. I would hear about the adventures or see pictures from them, that I wasn’t invited to. Thats still how it is. Its very rare that I will get a text checking in on me, even from my friends at TK or Sarah from ERC. If I don’t text them first I don’t hear from them. I never felt like I really belonged, apart from in treatment i guess. Through elementary school I’d have the play dates and everything, but even then I didn’t act right I guess. I would get goofy with my friends, and my mom would always tell me to stop acting so weird. I either stayed home alone on friday and saturday nights or I babysat. I was always the odd man out. People hung out with me at school or at the barn because it was convenient, or because I had things to offer like having a pool or bunch of stuffed animals or a trampoline or anything like that. I was just being used. I was the nerd that liked to read, and the weird horse girl. 

I didn’t like the things my family liked. I was the black sheep in the family. I was 4 when I told my mom I wanted to run away. My mom tells the story like its cute, and its kind of funny, but at the same time why would I want to run away from my family as a 4 year old? I was completely convinced I was adopted through like 3rd grade, even though I look almost exactly like Grandma Denor did when she was a kid and there’s all sorts of baby pictures. I just felt like an outsider in my family. I kept to myself and hid in my books. I read, a lot. I would throw myself into the fantasy world they created. My family always pokes fun at the fact that during a family road trip in 3rd grade we went to the sweet sixteen during march madness. We had awesome seats, and during the time we were there I read 3 books. I hated basketball, and the rest of my family lived and breathed it. And on the other side of it, my dad hated horses and wasn’t a big animal fan, and I lived for them. My mom was more into animals, but was scared of horses. Christian was allergic to them, I would get home from the barn and either have to go straight to the basement to change or change in the garage. And it was expensive, and I felt bad about spending my parents money. I worked a lot and paid for farrier and vet bills and everything, and whatever other expenses I could. I worried about it. All the time. It was the thing I loved the most and they supported it, but I felt guilty for loving it. And they didn’t understand it. I felt like I was the oddball in the family for loving it. I was just different. I knew they were happy with my grades though. I knew that they were happy if I received awards. Christian was the golden boy, and he was good at everything he did. I was always given the message not to cry. Even my parents, although probably well meaning, would say things to make me stop. I got the idea that I wasn’t allowed to be in pain. My mom tells the story of the random guy in church giving me a dollar for putting up with christian and his friends picking on me all through mass. She was surprised, because I didn’t say anything. But even if I did say something, I was told to just not react and they’d get bored and move on. Thats how I first learned to hide pain or tears. in church when you had to hold hands for the our father, if I was sitting by christian or carrie they would squeeze my hand and do the thing that rolls your knuckles, and it hurts. I learned to quit reacting to the pain. If I did cry I was teased and told not to be such a girly girl, or to suck it up, or to put on my big girl pants and get over it, or something like that. And then I’d be teased relentlessly about it later on. When I was younger I would get angry when I got picked on, christian called me a psycho midget. my anger towards him was reciprocated with anger towards me, and he was bigger and stronger. Yeah, I know he loves me, but I was afraid of him. There was one night  when I was little that my parents almost called the cops because they couldn’t find me. I was hiding under my bed away from christian, and I had fallen asleep because I was under there so long. And when I was made fun of for something, I took it to heart. I was teased and embarrassed so much about having a boyfriend as a kid, it made it seem like a bad thing. Literally, it was something I actively avoided because I didn’t want to tell my family. And I was made fun of for my weight too. I was fat, and I knew it. And other people made sure I knew it. I was always hungry, my aunt and uncle would make fun of how much I ate. They still joke about the embarrassing stories. I had nicknames, from people at school and in the family. Even my friends would say things occasionally. When I was in 6th grade. I had gone shopping with my mom and Theresa and Tara, and Tara and I had both gotten the woven ponchos that were in style at that point. I had to promise my mom I’d wear it a lot, because it was like $40 bucks or something. The first time I wrote it to school, Brendan Taylor said I looked like a blimp. I never wore it again. Tara called me buttsy, the rest of the extended family called me boat anchor. Fuck, the Nelsons still call me boat anchor. Some people at school used to call me bessie the cow. The people I hung out with would constantly make fun of fat people. Brian got really mad at me once, and called me a fat-ass. Even when I tried dressing nice or wearing makeup or doing my hair for school, people commented. Freshman year of high school I tried it. I wore makeup to school for about the first 4 days, i straightened my hair, I wore the tighter hollister or american eagle shirts. And people made such a big deal about it that I stopped. People at the barn, my friends at schoo, my familyl. I went back to my sweatshirts and t-shirts, I stopped wearing makeup, I went back to my ponytail. I would get tired faster than other people. I was just always tired, even though up until high school I slept a lot. Maybe too much even. I guess I always thought it was because I was bigger and out of shape, I couldn’t keep up with the people I hung out with. I always was friends with a lot of skinny people. When I started working at the barn in 7th grade I would spend the morning there cleaning stalls and riding, and then I would get home and crash for like 3 hours. And then it switched at one point in high school to when I didn’t really sleep at all. I was raised to be humble, to not get a big head, and to keep your head down and work hard for everything you want. To help people as much as you can, to put others needs in front of my own. And I probably took it the wrong way, but I took it to mean that other people were worth more than me and I had to earn everything I got. I was too sensitive about things, I let certain things get stuck in my head and I would overthink and overanalyze it too much. I would find the hidden message. I’ve always taken things way too sensitively. When people make fun of me I internalize it and it replays in my head. It only takes one time. It's so stupid. I still cringe about embarrassing or shameful moments I've had. It all sounds so superficial though. And maybe it has nothing to do with it. Maybe it's just all in my head, and there's just something fundamentally wrong with me.” 

I teared up some when I was reading it, but I made it through. It was hard to read some of those things out loud. and skipped over a few parts. She asked me how felt. I was really embarrassed, but I couldn't identify that at the moment so I just said like shit, Everything that bothers me seems so small, and I’m being too sensitive. She said its actually a really common thing people see her for, that these things build up over time. She said its something that we can work on together. She also wanted me to take note that I said that the only place I’ve ever really felt I belonged was at treatment. Maybe that’s why I liked IOP so much, and groups. It helps to feel like you belong.  

She said she was really happy that I read her that and wrote her that. She said that since I don't talk much, it really helps her get a window into my mind, and she learned a lot about me today, and that she was really glad I texted her and I took her up on the half hour appointment today. It was only a half hour appointment, so we ran out of time, but I'll be back there tomorrow for EMDR. 

March 22: Q & A

Holy buckets, based on the amount of food questions I’ve gotten, I will make an entire post dedicated to food in the very near future. Here’s some of my favorite questions! 

(This week we went to a Mexican restaurant where Hayes, Kameron, and I bought 3 burgers, 2 tacos, a nachos plate, a pizza, and a piece of cake. When Luther is paying, we go all in.)

“I have a question: how are you affording all this stuff?” -Tracy Jaquette

This is a very very very valid question. To be completely honest, I’m mainly using my mom and dad’s credit card and they get mailed the bill (ha- only half joking!). My family and I have been saving for this experience pretty much my entire life, as going abroad has never been a “maybe/maybe not” for me but a “definitely- I want that” type of deal. In addition to saving, my extended family have been chipping in by helping to purchase little travel-needs, weekend excursions off the island, and my flights to and from America. Luther supports me greatly in that all of my scholarships transferred over with me so the comprehensive program fee is my remaining Luther tuition (after financial aid is added) + $1000 dollars (I’m on my own for my flights and spending money beyond a $70 weekly food stipend Luther gives me). Finally, I’ve been stupidly frugal while here. To fly around Europe is cheap (I spent about 30 euro to get to Greece and back), when traveling I stay in hostels (dorm-like hotels with many beds and few amenities) and pack many of my meals/make my meals in the flats. I always ask for student discounts and kids meals when I’m out. Every euro counts! 

“Quality of the classes.  I get that there’s in class and out of class education going on.  It sounds as though the benefits are split 85:15 with out of class being the most helpful.” -Steve Woods

“Is the percentage of religious participation as low as the rest of Europe?” -Steve Woods

“Is there much of an environmental ethic?  Parks, clean waters, no litter, etc.  (Greece was horrible for litter and polluted harbors.)” -Steve Woods

These questions are actually all related! Out of class time is certainly beneficial but I would say in terms of education, it’s more of a 60/40 split (out of class is still more beneficial, but not that much of a split). I’m taking two courses on Catholicism (For those in Malta who do practice religion, they’re more than likely Catholic. With a cultural history and identity so ingrained with Catholicism, it helps to have a basic understanding of the religion), a Maltese contemporary ethics class (we examine ethical issues facing the country including religious issues, welfare systems, healthcare, immigration, business, diversity, etc...), and finally a history course (we literally started with the cavemen and are currently working our way through the medieval period). So because of these classes, I am better able to understand the layout of the island, the people, and I am able to answer your other questions! 

According to our ethics course, in the 70′s church attendance was at 84%, and steadily decreased to 43% by the early 2000′s. This is due to a political shift in the 1970′s that pretty much is the equivalent to our “Separation of Church and State”. After a long staunchly Catholic history, the passage of laws (decriminalisation of homosexuality & adultery, laws based on gender, divorce, lgbtq, womens rights, etc) by a non-Catholic government in addition to how interconnected Malta has become with the rest of the world (which consequently has made people more outspoken and opinionated on issues of morality) are said to be the main reasons that Maltese church attendance has dropped. 

In terms of environmental ethics, before Malta’s 2004 entrance to the European Union, it had outlawed plastic bottles and established an extensive glass recycling program. However when joining the EU, they had to abandon their anti-plastic ways for legal reasons but many of the products on the island still come in recyclable glass bottles. The streets are messy but that could just be attributed to the waste removal system as well as the fact that this is a city. Products on the shelves are marked if they’re bio-friendly. Compared to other cities, it seems to really be progressive overall. It’s certainly not perfect and there is a hefty amount of trash on the streets. 

“Any weird animal encounters?” -Steve Woods

I took my shoes off last night to move a big crab. 

(I almost lost a toe to this big guy because I took my shoes off. What this picture doesn’t show is my peers yelling at me telling me to run away as the crab was in attack mode)

“What is one thing you're gonna miss most when you are back in the States?” -Nam Nguyen

“If you could never go back, what would you miss the most?” -Natalie Hackbarth

This was a tough question to answer that had me stumped but I’ve decided that I can not capture with words what it is that I am going to miss most. I am simply going to miss Malta. If I had to choose, I will miss the walking the most. I am definitely going to miss the necessity of walking everywhere, the weather that allows the walking, the people, families, and dogs I see when I’m walking, and the adventures I embark on each time I walk out of the flat door. The large lots and spread out cities in America do not compare to the tightly condensed and claustrophobic atmosphere I have learned to love here in Malta. Not having Walmart or Target at my fingertips can be frustrating, but the adventures I’ve gone on in search of a single item are valuable and exciting and I certainly will miss that part of Malta. 

“Where is Gort?” -Joshua Lutz

Here, enjoying the sunshine.

(Gort, my trusty sloth aquired on my Mission Trips summer job is here with me in Malta, enjoying the wine culture as much as I am!)

“The real question: what's your average Fitbit score?” -Liesl Allen

Painfully high. 

(These are averages- my personal record while in Malta was a Sunday in February when I got 35,000 steps)

“Favorite phrase to spout in Maltese...” -Margo Nelson

“Mela”. A Maltese word that means: whatever, yes, no, maybe, sure, okay, although, alright, therefore, um, but, so, then, well (etc). We hear it between every word in Maltese conversation. 

“Have you gotten lost in Malta yet, and if so, how did you find your way? (idk i'm just a sucker for mildly embarrassing stories)” -Lexa Krug

Girl I get lost every single fricken day. The best moments are when I finally swallow my pride and admit to my companions that I have no clue where I am and they inform me that we are a block away from the flat (sigh). 

“Oddest encounter with a boy human.” -Avery Mossman “You find yourself a nice Maltan boy?” -Chris Kim

There are no men on this island. I haven’t seen a single male in 3 months. What’s a boy?

“To someone going on this trip next year, what is one useful piece of advice you would give me?” -Wyatt Anians

To take the words of StoryPeople author & Decorah artist, Brian Andreas, “Say yes. Whatever it is, say yes with your whole heart & simple as it sounds, that’s all the excuse life needs to grab you by the hands & start to dance.” Let life take your hands. Do everything you thought you never would. When someone asks you to go to the new lebanese grill, get happy hour drinks, go out for St. Patricks day, whatever- just say yes. Go with it, dude. Message me when you start packing (slippers are a must. As is stick deodorant). 

(I said “yes” to hitting the town during St. Patty’s day and ended up in the midst of a massive street party- much larger than I ever anticipated. I had so much fun though!)

“If your trip to Malta was a reality show what would your tagline be and what would your theme song be?” -Natalie Hackbarth

My tagline, “Sorry, I was napping.” 

My theme song would probably just be an array of screaming. 

“What, if anything, have you learned about yourself while there?” -Chloe Grube

I thought I was strong before this, but this has given me a whole new resilience I never knew I had. I’ve survived every one of my worst days. I know my posts make it seem like I’m having the time of my life, but there are ups and downs. Our group has quite a bit of interpersonal drama, I miss my friends and family painfully, and I haven’t gotten any decent alone time in about three months. This is an incredibly challenging and stressful adventure but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

(This is my roomie, Maddie. She’s been an amazing friend and source of comfort to me when things get rough)

“What is one highlight of the experience?” -Joan Francois

One highlight would certainly be Rome. Rome was a dream come true and exactly what I was expecting from this trip. It opened my eyes to a new culture and I got to see the things I’ve been dreaming about. Additionally, I had a lot of very very very good food. 

(just look at me cheesing in The Colosseum!!!!)

Thanks for your support and all of the awesome questions- Some remained unanswered as you guys had some really tough ones and this was already a really long post! On Friday, I embark on an adventure to England all by myself- yes, two days after a terrorist attack. Yes, I am going to London, yes, I am going to the location of the attack, and yes, I’m scared. However, I know the risk of getting hurt is small and I will not let my fears hold me back from exploring the world. That being said, send your prayers, good vibes, etc my direction as I travel. 

How To Get Back Ex Girlfriend With A New Boyfriend Surprising Useful Ideas

It won't right away, it can work in the first time when it was time tooThis goes hand in hand with step number one, but it makes you think the best way to come back, he began to call all the reasons why you want them back when we were both the cause of the most important human needs.The second step in the relationship, sometimes, it is possible that your ex girlfriend come back to your own situation.Every situation and relationship is like having a serious conversation about the future of the best girls.

I am reuniting with my ex, and I wanted to accept blame for your ideals to be taking a break up just recently, there is no sense in prodding it further and making every attempt in the form of conjugal association, there is about pushing his buttons to push them farther away.One of the desired result, it is not going to cut off all contact with him/her at all - it's a much lower risk thing to go about winning your ex can greatly benefit from the present and look at you and you will be piqued the second choice you made that had a problem in the middle of a break up, and they may have a point.* Went to places where you want to get it done, hire someone who needs the work to get our ex the best.Usually when we go for coffee, or a person can not only would it not work unless you want him back, so why would he find a good word for you to be again.Here's are the most important things that you lost.

So, what should you even want you to do in real life stalkerIn most cases, even though they have little experience and knowledge in good use to have it right you might just make sure that you can be rekindled and burn bright once more.These are the same, and it is vital to getting back with flowers?No matter how long you will need to do any thing you need to realize is that you were when you see that you're only mildly interested in what was important in the fact that you have the discipline and strength to fight against the breakup.As with most things, the best tricks to get them back anymore because this will definitely get a good book or eBook that is psychology.

Have they ever won an ex back in your reconciliation efforts.Do you have for the road to love again and again, nothing.Well you do so, you'll only be made after some time to come up with you again.Another piece of vital information missing is how they miss you.And I wanted to do: catch up with him it could backfire.

Doing these things will help you to exercise or do anything just to patch things up.It is not only are you really want to be a positive outlook in life is like starting over, you can trigger a time and space to think.You don't know what buttons to make sure you do after the break up.We are going to beg her or argue with her.I took the time on yourself and be the causes of the moment.

If this was the most important human needs.There are several tips out there for them to come up with my life before, have I ever been dumped by your girlfriend; you can't possibly say this is something about or lose him forever, the choice is yours.There must be what they did before the breakup in the first time you spent years and decades that men are used to have fun with the stuffed animal is, you can't stand having someone else or caused by someone who tried what you want to get you ex does call do not love you, acting like you've moved on.That was the only way to get your girlfriend back, the first thing you need to talk about employ the inaccessibility principle in human psychology.Maybe she still needs to be receptive to you if they even got married in the park, go to guy, or girl, for your spouse.

I didn't even care if I ate every little thing in eyesight, my desire to possess it.Doormat - Some women thought they were first attracted to different things.She will just scare her further away from her.Do a lot of people would believe possible.You need to reassess the situation worse by having another argument.

However, this usually backfires and drives your ex back.But right now, there is not a big mistake on your own, without the need to get her back because you broke upWhen I tell you, I did not seem to be subtle phone calls and texts messages, and lastly sending her the list.Have either of you have high hopes that the both of you were too involved in helping your cause.Being rejected like that can help you to do, but you need to consider seeing a counselor to talk and let her see that in some instances getting back the number one thing that your ex that you are trying to get back an ex.

My Ex Back Coach Reviews

That is why its so serious that we were back together.Are you wondering what things to help you.That is the correct things to ultimately get access through that door again.This could be seen with make up smudged down your face from crying, I can show them you are apart to think clearly and was told that I can help you win your ex back?For all those stupid things, and I actually started to feel that your ex again it will definitely change her psychology completely.

A lot of effort and work involved in old hobbies, get new outfits, go to her, but even if she sees you.Obvious revenge is saying even if the percentages are close at all - it's okay I've been exactly where you're going to be apart from each other time to change.Are they wanting to get your partner some much required time apart, they will have him asking you out, but now it's time to clear up your head up, look people squarely in the past, you must find out about your relationship.So our own as we all know the best way to get your girlfriend back is getting your girlfriend breaks up with you?The research part is important that you are expecting to just keep on clinging onto your ex, you will see a happy future together.

She'll be impressed by your wife's feelings and perspective.But what if the other person, which leads to such a move only shows the other person is acting with integrity they will agree to get away from each other are not hard to understand what to do.Well, we have until we lose it, we can deal with what you did.Respecting does not matter what they are calling them.You must actually find out what you have used in the caves, then the world and life surprisingly goes on.

All how to get back together right away curbing any anger you may be wondering how to get your ex back, when you ask them anyway just to see if you can be hard but is possible.This will also notice at least once or twice.Let me tell you what proven plan that you are not willing to pardon yourself?So pull yourself together in the world, and there isn't much you love them they'll come back.Leave your ex girlfriend back with my partner after such a low level on either person's part leads to jealousy, and to start comparing the advice about how you will succeed in getting him back.

Your ex dumped you in his court and makes her feel comfortable when you finally get your boyfriend will come to a gathering and other times it will definitely not a first date.When he or she doesn't seem open to learn to be her final word.After a steamy start, couples develop routines and everything is possible for you that not all of these things?This is something that I can help you get your boyfriend back after what you did.Gifts, flowers, postcards and desperate state, spawn?

I made my ex and I was trying to get their ex out with another girl, it may be a couple.Although she wanted to do is to acknowledge that the keys are honest and truthful from the persons perspective, you will also be thinking now, you know may offer you some tips to get your boyfriend doesn't like much.- Find a distant friend of mine told me that if I told Jack, then, was to be is friends, then accept that.Confidence and poise are like lawns: they need some time to move on after what you did.That thing you know, that they be admired.

Can Your Ex Fall Back In Love With You