#i think i've actually spent over 36 hours on this
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still alive
yesterday i was resolved to leave the house for a minute, which i did eventually-- around noon, it got up above 20F for a minute, and it was bright sunshine, so I bundled up and went out.
Dude has been trying to dig us out for two days. There are about two solid inches of ice on the ground, over about half an inch of snow. I shoveled at the driveway for a minute, but then I realized the sunshine was likely to be acting more on my car, and spent a while cracking the ice off my car. So my car is now more or less driveable out of its carapace of ice, even though the driveway isn't yet really passable.
I then walked down to the nearest pokestop, but I couldn't make it there. The sidewalks of the high school across the street were clear, but not the block beyond, and the street is too busy and not quite wide enough for it to be safe to walk in the street. Anywhere the ice crust hasn't been removed from is a sheet of solid ice, frictionless-- I saw an Instagram reel of someone ice skating on their driveway, and I believe it. So I managed to cross the street and stand on a snowbank and spin the disc at a pokegym, and then I beat up everyone in the gym and took it over out of a sheer need to feel alive, and then spun the disc a second time and walked back home. It's just not possible to reach any of the other ones close to my house because the sidewalks are impassible.
So I walked home and went back inside and drank a bunch of water and then for the first time I did feel like maybe I am sick, so I lay down and took a nap and really was useless for the rest of the day.
Still no fever.
Someone replied on a previous post and it was in my notifications but I couldn't ever actually see the reply, and now I've forgotten who it was, but they were asking about my vaccine status I think, and yes-- I've had four or five doses, I lose count, of the Pfizer vaccine, including the most recent one which was the bivalent whatsit, which I had in mmmmmm October or November maybe? I genuinely don't remember, it was late 2022 when they were widely available.
Medical advice is wildly conflicting as well, they told my mother that getting Covid would make her immune, but I read a good paper which of course I can't find now that suggests that for most people Covid destroys immunity like the measles and so if you've had it you should consider your vaccines wiped out. I genuinely don't know what the truth there is.
I'm sure the vaccine is why mine is so mild now though. And it is, I just have been sleeping a lot in the last 36 hours, and I'll just keep that up I think. I wish I were getting more done on my projects but being alive is good too so I'll take it.
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so i ended up sending that letter detailing all of my grievances dating back to high school to my parents yesterday morning, and as of now (36 hours since sending the email) i've heard absolutely nothing in response
i'm putting the rest under the cut in case y'all don't wanna see me spilling my guts about my bad relationship with my mom and possible abuse?
after a lot of thinking this past week, i realized that the idea of never speaking to my mom every again makes me feel giddy. my therapist was saying i shouldn't rush into this, but i don't think i am? this week isn't even the first time i've thought of going no-contact with my mom, but it's the first time it's been this close to becoming a reality. the thought has gone through my mind multiple times over the past year or so, but i always brushed it off as something that wasn't likely to happen
after weighing all the pros and cons, it just feels like the right thing to do, but i don't know how i should tell her, and i'm afraid of how she'll react
i'm also suddenly full of self-doubt, and a feeling that as bad as my mom was to me, she and my dad were still good parents and provided for me while i was growing up, and after everything they've done wanting to go no-contact makes me selfish and ungrateful, and all sorts of other negative thoughts. a lot of the guild and doubt i'm feeling is definitely me hearing my mom's voice in my head, and i'm trying to push it away
i told my brother i was thinking of doing this, and he said that while it's sad it's come to this, he supports my decision and has my back no matter what i decide. that's definitely helped me pull away from my self-doubt
I was also talking about this all with my coworker (we've spent a lot of time bonding over our terrible mothers), and she used the word "abuse" to describe how my mom treated me. that gave me major pause, bc i've never thought of my mother as abusive. in my mind, she's a terrible person but not abusive. but then today i was doing some googling, and it turns out a lot of the stuff she did can be classed as emotional abuse, so. yeah. that's a lot to process
but no matter what, my relationship with my mom is fucked. the idea of talking to her on the phone is horrifying, and the thought of visiting home fills me with dread and anxiety. whenever i'm home, i feel like i'm walking on eggshells, bc any slip-up means starting a fight with my mom. i absolutely don't feel comfortable sharing anything with her about my mental health or my feelings (bc she's always trivializing them), so when we do talk once a week i'm basically just telling her how my work week was and what the weather's like where i live. that's barely even a relationship
and when i think about the possibility of her changing and becoming a better person, i just don't care? like it's great if she actually internalizes what i'm saying in my letter, but for me it's too little too late. i've already spent the past decade trying to get through to her, and she never listened, so now i just feel done with it all
idk, but if i still don't hear from my parents by tomorrow afternoon, i'll be breaking the silence myself and calling them. bc i am not trying to have a major fight with my mother on a weekday night, where i'll probably spend a bunch of time crying, and then i'll have to go to work the next morning feeling like ass. the advantage of doing it on a sunday morning is that i have the whole rest of the day to feel like shit
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Grad School Q2 - Week 1
I might seem late with this but I had the day off from school for the holiday so it's technically my Sunday.
I don't have a lot to show. You think by the time you get to a graduate education you'd be past "syllabus day" but no, it never ends. I spent most of my first week writing. But, I want to start sharing some of my writing sometimes, so I'm going to include an excerpt.
Because of that this is a longer post than usual so.......
For one class we are doing a project over the course of the quarter that is a 6-8 page comic. My problem is that metric means nothing to me because my brain doesn't think in comic pages? I don't know how much of a story 6 pages is like I would if it was a written movie/TV script. I wrote out that script, here's an excerpt:
EXT. ABANDONED BARN - DAY
An extremely run-down looking barn stands abandoned in a field off the side of a road, surrounded by trees on an overcast day. Pieces of the wood siding have fallen to the ground.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
They say that the barn off highway 10 is haunted.
On the side of the highway, an OLD MAN has pulled off the road and has his hazard lights on. He looks disgruntled at whatever car problems he’s having, but for some reason looks up at the barn.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Some people have seen the ghost of the farmer’s dead son, Tolko, running in and out of the barn.
The old man suddenly notices the small figure of a child darting into the barn from the crop of trees nearby. The old man looks around for any signs of other people, but there’s nothing, just the busy highway. Concerned, he makes his way into the field toward the barn.
That is roughly half a page of a script. I have thumbnailed that out and that translates to a grand total of 4 panels. The total script is 4.5 pages, which if I generously extrapolate that means this should be about 36 panels, but there's a bit of chatter in the middle which makes me think I can get it down to my ACTUAL goal, which is 30.
My professor was like, "You want to do 30 storyboards with backgrounds and color? That's a lot of work, you know?" and I was like, TELL ME WHY ONE OF MY PROFESSORS MADE ME DO THAT IN LESS THAN 3 WEEKS LAST SEMESTER THEN? I literally did 28 detailed boards in full grayscale in 2.5 weeks for ONE CLASS. Doing that here again (I'm going with monotone colors this time) in 9 weeks seems easy.
Storyboards aren't usually environmentally focused, so I guess making my goal for this semester to be background focused was counter-intuitive. But, I want to get better at backgrounds, goddammit! So, I guess I'm breaking all the rules with this one.
Personally, I've been working on editing some LV scripts which has come along great. Especially considered my first draft of one of these scripts was probably about 60 pages long (this is supposed to be a half hour of TV 💀) and I have edited all the way down to 35 pages. Still needs work but MUCH better, lol.
I am finally going to do the character outfit concepts like I have been wanting to do. I'll leave you with an extremely sketchy example featuring Morse because I was excited to visualize his flashback appearance. (Showing off his ribcage, scandalous!)
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25th December 18:36
Merry Christmas, N. I hope you have a good day, I hope you're surrounded by good people, can relax, and get good presents. I hope the new year brings you love and joy you so desperately deserve, and you can leave this year behind properly where it belongs, not forgotten but as it should be. I fed Chonky a special Christmas dinner of with some of her favourite treats and now she's in a Christmas coma haha.
Thank you for your last message and that it was hand written was really special. I've been pretty up and down for a few weeks so I apologise for now messages. I spent a week in hospital from the 21st to the 28th. After that it was just specialist to specialist and it's only now started to calm down. Surgery and everything went well, surgery was only about 4 hours, the last time I remember seeing was around 830am then the next was about 1230pm. I was in soo much pain when I woke up, I could barely take full breaths, partly the pain but also i had a drain put under my lung. They had to move my lung to get at my rib so when they do that it removes the vacuum seal your lung has, so to make sure no air gets trapped they put a tube there and hook it up to a Lil like "underwater" thing, and it kinda pulls air out that would be trapped. That's why I was in for so long, after a couple days they clamped the tube, so my lung had time to do its thing on its own, and I went for X-rays and there was air forming so I had to just keep it in for longer. Got the last X-rays a few days later and it was clear to be removed. It was one of the weirdest sensations I've ever felt, didn't hurt but I could feel it move from inside to out, wasn't that long though so it was very quick pull. For the first couple days the pain was so rough, I was on a fentanyl drip that I was pushing every so often. But on it I was soo nauseous, I couldn't eat for like 2-3 days, so they got the pain doctor in, that's what they called her and she introduced herself as haha, and she said I could go on topentadol tablets, which was so much better, wimilar opioid but slower release so I could actual eat. After that I was fine. Just started to go stir crazy because the only reason I was there was because I was waiting for the drain haha. I went through 4 roomates, I didn't get a private room but being g a public hospital I didn't care, well until the LOUDEST snorer I have EVER heard stayed with me for one night oh my God I could not sleep at all with him there, the first lady was fine just ate with her mouth open a bit but my earbuds took care of that, but this guy, this guy snored while awake, j felt bad for him, a bit. I think he was there for surgery on his sinuses so I hope he got that. Afterwards I got home slowly started recovering, the swelling on my scar went down but now I can feel the internal stitches, so there's nothing on top just a scar line about maybe 10cm from where my collar bone meets my neck then up the neck line. Also have like a bullet hole looking one just under where the drain was in. The stitches will slowly dissolve but I feel lots of them in there, I think they had to go through the muscle so that probably has to do with how many there are and the stiffness I feel in my shoulder and chest. I've got most of my movement back but I can only move my neck to the right and a Lil bit to the left till I feel the pull from them. Chonky missed me soooo much, would not leave me out of her sight for over a week and still meows for me if I'm not looking at her, I missed her probably more to be honest. I told her I'd only be gone for a couple days then it suddenly turned to a week she was so confused.
Summer here has been a nightmare, we've had a few 40c+ days and most of it is 30-35c+ but we've also been hit with like random weeks of storms that drop to 20 or so, so my body has given up and I have a cold now hahaha, which sucks cuase it hurts to cough sometimes, but good it's a little bit over that first few weeks of recovery. I hope it's nice and cold for you, maybe snow and you're all cuddly and warm.
I hope you're doing well
"We're all here reaping he'll on earth, between a death and a birth. Be what you want to be, don't be scared of being seen"
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Oh my god today has been the least restful day off I've had in months. I had to wake up and go to Walmart to get new tires put on my car and then my mom and I went to Verizon to look for a new phone for her because her phone is old and falling apart. Her new boyfriend was going to buy it for her. And thus starts the three-four hours spent in this shitty Cellular Sales.
The rep was terrible. Very high-strung and flightly. We kept trying to find a good special to take advantage of since her phone was useless for trade-in offers. We finally found a 400 dollars off a pixel 8 which was actually a pretty good deal. She gets it comp'd over 36 months and her boyfriend just paid the remaining bal on the device so it's not charging the contract to my brother's verizon account.
Problem was the boyfriend did NOT like the sales rep one bit. Kept getting grumpier and grumpier about him to the point I could see a confrontation was inevitable so I made the suggestion that they go get some food, I would stay there and get everything taken care of.
And like I said, the sales rep was bad. He couldn't figure out how to move her things from her old phone to the new phone. Then he built the entire order but forgot we were going to pay for the remaining balance. So he had to cancel the contract and redo it but didn't know which department he needed to go through and he was steadily getting more and more frustrated about the whole thing.
Then her phone could not activate. I ended up calling verizon activation support because I know who to call due to my job in fraud prevention. Figured out the physical sim didn't activate so we activated the esim which is when my mom and her boyfriend came back. The sales rep went to throw away her physical sim and mom being the hoarder she is wanted to take it with her. He made some comment about it just being trash (cause it was but I personally would have just handed it over without needing to say a peep) and then the boyfriend got riled up saying he wasn't treating us respectfully and things just fucking exploded from there. The boyfriend said something along the lines of "This is bullshit you don't treat people like this" and the rep LOST HIS FUCKING MIND.
Kicked him out of the store, and threatened to call the fucking cops on him just.... a complete crazy fucking meltdown out of nowhere. I mean, I get he's stressed, it's the holidays and we're taking up a lot of his time but y i k e s. Yeah the boyfriend was being a dick by calling him out for how he was acting but NGL I definitely think the rep super overreacted.
And then I had to go over to mom's house to actually figure out how to transfer her stuff. (It was legit the adapter that came with her phone which is what I kinda thought it might be that let me transfer it)
Annnnnd it's now 9:30. I started running at like 10:00.
I'm soooooooooooo tired. I didn't even take the buspar yesterday but I am still tired and exhausted. The only other change I've made is I started taking the iron supplement but I cannot imagine that would affect me like this.
I'm going to try and work on this Spones fic tonight but my brain is like...mush.
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multiples of 9
@sagemoderocklee i know it's you
9. How do you find new fic to read?
Go to the GaaLee tag and sort by new, lol, since I've read almost everything in there at this point. If I'm joining a new fandom I'll generally sort by complete and under 15k by kudos for the pairing I'm interested in, or find an author I like and go through all their works and bookmarks, but in my old age I've become deeply accustomed to my single ship. I miss the reclists of ye olden LJ days; they were a great way to find hidden and underappreciated gems.
18. If you wrote a sequel to [insert fic], what would it involve?
Since you didn't specify a fic, I've got a couple of sequels/expansions on my existing fics planned.
For years now I've been planning to write a remix of if nobody moves, nobody will get hurt called 'if nobody gets hurt', which is basically the original story but expanded and from Gaara's POV.
There's an after-the-happily-ever-after epilogue to The Stolen Child that's actually based on a post someone made about it here on Tumblr ... but I need to ask their permission first, and I've been too shy.
There's a prequel to Worship as I Please that goes into the much-requested alcove in Grass Country, though probably not in the way that most people are hoping for (it's a pining-while-fucking fic, so heavy on the pain).
There's also an epilogue to To Love Like Broken Glass that @we-return-in-waves requested, which I won't give too much away about.
And finally, there's a part 2 to Try Again, where Lee teaches Gaara to do much more than kissing.
27. How long did it take to write [insert fic]? Describe the process.
Since there wasn't a fic specified, I guess I'll go with my most recent fic, Tsuru no Danna. I originally hoped to write the fic in one, one-hour sitting like I've done with a couple other fics recently, but it ended up being a bigger story than I planned. Ultimately, though, I think I wrote it in like 3 hourlong sittings over 2 weeks or so? That doesn't include the amount of time I spent outlining and 'marinating' on it (by far the longest part of my process). I also had to forgo my entire typical editing process so that I could make it in time for HorrorFest.
36. Do you visualize what you read/write?
Oh, definitely. What I write way moreso than what I read. When I'm reading, I'm generally pretty immersed in the story, so unless something's just super-duper visually evocative, I'm just really absorbed in the words more than anything. When I'm writing, though, I definitely swing wildly between "I know exactly how I want to describe this and the perfect words that sound lovely together" and "I know what's supposed to happen in this sequence and what it would look like but have no idea how to describe it." A lot of my clumsier, uglier sentences come from the latter, but sometimes striking at something 4-5 times to get the perfect sequence churns out a decent one, too.
45. What’s something you’ve improved on since you started writing fic?
I think I've improved on a lot, honestly; when I look back and read my first fic from 2017 it feels very amateurish and awkward to me. But I think I've most improved on developing my own author voice as well as (to an extent) being able to sometimes evoke the voices of other authors. I've gotten a better sense of how to word and pace things to give a poetic feel vs. a fairy tale feel vs. a childlike feel and so on. It's been a journey for sure!!
questions for fic writers - ask me some!
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I recently watched a YouTube video that talked about this tricky thing called "skill regression." As I listened and paused, listened and paused, I really started to get a grasp on why I might be so terrible at seemingly everything at this point. As I've learned to heal from several traumas, I find myself backsliding on routines and skills that I once thought were ingrained deeply enough they'd be solid habits, but I see that's not quite the case.
Hygiene: Thought it was a routine I did for myself. Turns out, it was 90% a fawn response to be bullied less from others. Now that I rarely leave the house, major discomfort and possible company seems to be my only motivaters these days, and it's an incredibly embarassing aspect of myself I have to face. At the very least, major personal discomfort is a motive at all, since I've been trained to ignore my own needs for the sake of others around me.
Food: I thought I had strong cooking skills and habits. I do not. I have strong survival senses... for my loved ones. I won't let my loved ones go hungry for a single meal if I can help it, but will take 24-36 hours to make a meal for myself if I don't have enough energy for the prep. I would eat 12 hours of a video game before I spend 1 hour of cooking for myself. I realize I associated my mealtime with others' mealtimes, and won't eat regularly if I don't need to feed someone else. I'm practicing eating twice a day now, but...
Sleep schedule: Incredibly irregular. Be it when or how long I sleep, it's sooo inconsistent. I figured out my sleep schedules have always been dictated by someone's job (my mother's, my schooling, mine, my SO's), which has occupied almost every shift on the 24-hour clock at this point. My sleep schedule seems to be fueled by FOMO now, and it's got me messed up. I can go to sleep at 12am and wake up at 1pm, or I can go to sleep at 4:30am am wake up at 11am. I've had several instances of falling asleep at 2:30pm and waking up a 10pm too. Just... Nothing feels right. I'm struggling to find my natural circadian rhythm, but I'm not confident I can even hold on to THAT much, because "bedtime" and "sleep" seem to be strongly schema'd with "job" and "work schedule," which may be why I'm so all over the place. I've been untethered for almost 3 whole years.
Housekeeping: No. Function-only. If it's not the main attention, I don't see it. If I see too much to do at once, I get overwhelmed amd it's invisible. Why am I like this? For the longest time, I'd cry "I don't know," and tear at myself for being a malfunctioning eyesore of human equipment. Nowadays, I wonder if growing up in a house that was unfinished for a long time, spent more time fitting "condemned" qualifications than passing inspections, and being smacked up with "eldest daughter syndrome" has anything to do with it...
There's sooooo much more I could mention, but really thinking about and typing this stuff out is helping me actually look at my shortcomings and think "Maybe I need a strong dose of grace" instead of "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU??? WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL HERE????!" All of these things and more I have already been bullied, teased, ostricised, preyed upon, punished, and criticized for (more times by my closer bonds than anyone else, including myself), and I'm sure some will treat my post no differently. But here's hoping "Midnight Savvi" can be of help to somebody out there needing a particular direction to take their healing journey. "Love and Peace!!"
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Trying to write with chronic pain flares is...interesting. Under a cut for talk of unknown illness/pain and personal shit.
Follow my NaNo 2023 journey: https://nanowrimo.org/participants/jordan-a-wruck
So the last week of September, I started to have a small pain in my lower right abdomen. It started at about a 2/10 - just a tiny little "oh, that feels weird. Huh." I originally chalked it up to muscle pain because I'm a side sleeper, and my right side is the normal side I get comfy on.
October 2nd. Pain was still there and increased to about a 6-7/10. Immediately got me in to my doctor's Internal Medicine side to see a doc. She ordered bloodwork and an ultrasound. Promised me results in 24 hours.
October 3rd. Doc hadn't called with results by close of business. Meanwhile, the pain spiked to a 9/10. ER TIME! (I HATE the hospital, so for me to say "let's go to the hospital" it has to HURT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. Last time that happened it turned out to be my gallbladder.)
ER visit took.... 7 hours. 7 FUCKING HOURS. 2 of those hours were in the WAITING ROOM. 5 was spent in a bed in the HALLWAY in between 2 CLEARLY MARKED ISOLATION ROOMS WITH THE DOORS OPEN AND NO MASKS IN SIGHT. (In retrospect, I forgot my mask too with the pain, and 5 days later ended up with a minor viral infection myself.)
ER doc ordered more bloodwork, urinalysis, an ultrasound, and a CT scan. By the time I got back from the CT scan I was starting to get a migraine, and the pain in my abdomen hadn't subsided either. (Also I learned I'm not actually allergic to CT contrast, but that's another story.) At this point I was betting either my appendix was acting up, my pancreas was being more of a bitch than usual (diabetes is fun!), or something with my liver.
So, total time spent in the ER: 7 hours.
Results from the tests: "Nothing actionable."
Total pain medication given: Z E R O mg.
That's right. NO PAIN MEDICATION. They gave me anti-nausea meds and PEPCID FOR FUCKING HEARTBURN.
Because as we all know, heartburn starts over near the FUCKING APPENDIX.
...Yes, I was and am P I S S E D.
They literally treated me like a drug addict looking for a fix. Even after I mentioned I had a migraine. All because my 9/10 pain wasn't making me scream constantly. My normal pain level is about a 6/10, which is a level that would have most people without chronic pain bedridden and screaming. For me, anything LESS than that is literally background noise.
Oh, did I mention I had my PARENTS WITH ME?! My parents - who are also chronic pain sufferers. My parents who have NARCOTIC PAIN MEDICATION.
Naturally I brought them to the ER to help me "get a fix", right?!
What does my doc give me for this chronic pain, you ask? 800 mg ibuprofen. Which - surprise - doesn't usually do jack shit.
I mean, I get it. The narcotic stuff can be addictive. And with the opioid crisis, they're careful who they give it to. In my state, you have to be under the care of a long-term pain management doc.
Who won't see me because - surprise - I'm a "kid."
I'm 36 and use a cane because of the pain. My primary doc helped me get a disabled parking placard. She knows how bad my pain gets. She knows - but she legally can't give me anything stronger than the ibuprofen. (Which sucks. But I like her.)
But you'd think the ER could have at least given me an ibuprofen!!
Anyway. Went back to the Internal Med doc a week later. The Internal Med doc set me up with a GI consult. (Gastric doc. I'm starting to think it might be warranted because it's starting to hurt every time I eat.) The date of my initial consult?
November 30th.
Yep. That would make the appointment TWO BLOODY MONTHS after the initial pain started.
Luckily they have a priority cancellation list. And I guess someone cancelled because my appointment is now this Friday (November 10).
I already know how it's going to go. They're going to prod my abdomen a little, not find shit, and say "Okay, so we're going to have to scope you."
I've had an endoscopy before, both upper and lower. The prep is a NIGHTMARE. (Note: do not drink the ginger flavor prep with Pepsi. You will want to barf for weeks.)
Fingers crossed the endoscopy will find what the fuck is causing my entire abdomen to feel like someone is jabbing me with a cattle prod every time I eat now.
And that I can get to 50,000 words this NaNo.
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Yesterday I:
Took a bath in the actual morning (okay it was 12:30 but we're still on DST.
Video called my best friend for nearly two hours.
Made some definite and undefined plans with my other best friends.
Went to a bra fitting and bought three new bras.
Talked on the phone with my mom for over an hour, including spending some time on the porch.
Texted a bit with another best friend.
Wrote a tumblr post with block quotes I've been thinking about for nearly three months.
Started reading that 500k fic I really shouldn't have.
Ate multiple times throughout the day, even if I didn't do any actual cooking.
Spent time throughout the day scrolling through social media.
Finally went to sleep at like 3:33 AM.
Not strictly in order. This is coming straight off three short-days at work, one full day at work, and three consecutive nights of interrupted sleep (nightmares, pharmacy calls, saying goodbye to my little sister as she moves for her well-paying Grown Up Engineering Job). I marveled at how much I had gotten done.
Today, at 2:36 PM, I have:
Woken up with under six hours of sleep to use the rest room.
Failed to go back to sleep.
Continued to read the 500k fic.
Not gotten out of bed to eat anything.
And I don't know how much of this sloth (my deadly sin of choice) is because I have a 500k fic to read and no self control, and how much is me crashing after a very long week.
I last ate a bowl of rockyroad icecream at midnight and if I remember right my dinner during the movie was corn chips, sour cream, and salsa. I really feel like I should be hungry.
I'm not even on any appetite suppressant medication at the moment! I just don't wanna get outta bed. But yawning hurts my stomach at the moment so this is probably a bad sign.
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12/18/22
As my last post can attest, I had a pretty good first half of the day. After the shower, I immediately got a call from my mom. It went okay for the first bit... then it took a massive turn again. The same shit as last time.
Again, I don't want to talk about it. I've spent the rest of the night in a daze recovering. I started getting panic attacks again, the really quick adrenaline dumps, heart starts racing, warm tingling feeling in the center of the chest, tightness, tension, on edge. Fun shit.
What I will get into... I hung up. It took me an hour and a half at least, I don't even check the time on the call anymore. At least an hour of enduring blame for something that wasn't even articulated. Just... I'm at fault and I deserve to be yelled at and blamed, I fucked up somehow. All somehow having to do with... getting me furniture? Like I didn't think they'd let moving guys into my building and I didn't want to deal with the hassle of it all, it's really weird to me... And I had no idea why she was so insistent on getting brand new furniture from some outlet store or something, I made it really clear a few times that I don't really think that's necessary and I'd kinda prefer to give some second-hand furniture another lease at life. But... I guess my preferences of what furniture I get, and how I get it... are not really that important... as a 36 year old... What I need to do... is take whatever plan is put on the table... and be grateful I get fucking anything... or else I will be yelled at, and blamed... with no evidence, with no actual claims... and if I get sick of it and leave? My only help with getting settled into my new place, my only social interaction at all outside of therapy... will ghost me for at least a week... and then pretend that nothing happened.
Ain't life grand? Loving this shit.
Next time I'm walking the second I realize what's going on. The second my emotions or attention are weaponized against me. I'm fucking walking. No explanation needed, no negotiation, no sticking around for hours of having fingers pointed at me for made-up shit. I'm just fuckin dipping out. And I really hope I can hold myself accountable for that.
I try really really really hard to be a nice, forgiving, kind person. I try to stick around in conflicts to help that person resolve our issue. I try to participate, go above and beyond to make sure that issue is put to rest. To do whatever it takes to bring things back into harmony. And in some rare occasions it does work. It really does. But... I can't pay the price for it anymore. And it's not my work to do. This is no world for nice, forgiving, kind people. I'm shaving years off my lifespan and setting myself back tons and tons of brutally difficult therapeutic work by subjecting myself to this over and over. At some point... I'm just going to have to walk.
And I will end up alone. Completely. Just me and my new social worker and my cat.
And I guess, in the end, it's better to be alone without the illusion of support or companionship... than to think you have those things, when you really don't. When you get screamed at every time you try to use that support. Maybe it's better. I guess I'll see.
Sorry for the downer, but life just goes like that sometimes. I'm going to start the day tomorrow the same way I did today, and maybe skate a bit too. And we'll see if I can get through it without complete emotional collapse. Because I literally felt like I had those Matrix plugs in me and I just had a bunch of cables link up to me and suck the fucking life out of me. The second I got off the phone, I put on music and headphones and collapsed in a chair and felt like I just ran a fucking marathon and I just started fucking bawling. Hopefully tonight's sleep recharges me, and I can dedicate tomorrow to healing these wounds that have been reopened for the 3rd time this week.
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I REGRET NOTHING
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SNOW KING ❄🥳 HAVE SOME FAMILY-FRIENDLY ANGST
#jmoneydraws#wild kratts#wk frozen au#wild kratts frozen au#martin kratt#chris kratt#animatic#frozen#i think i've actually spent over 36 hours on this#and i started it on monday#and this is only like 30% of the full scene#help :')
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hiii i've just spent the last 36-48 hours reading your works and oh dear do i lOVE your writing and this universe :') . i dont know if you are taking requests but i think it would be kinda interesting (and low key hilarious) if you would write the lions reacting/reading thirst tweets? idk if this is a dumb idea or not but just like some of them reacting to them and going "well i'm actually gay/married so.. no!.. but thank you!"
Part two of the six-month celebration, everyone! Thank you thank you THANK YOU to everyone who submitted comments--I had over 60 come in, and while I couldn’t include them all, reading them was a true joy. The Lion Pride channel was something I started writing on a whim; I never expected it to grow like this <3 Much love to all of you!
TW for alcohol mentions and thirst tweets (nothing explicit)
“Why do I always fear for my life around you?” Sirius asked as Marlene settled into a cushy chair to the side of their table.
She smiled, catlike, and crossed her legs primly. “Because only Finn appreciates me.”
“That’s just the Aries connection, Cap,” Finn said with a smug grin.
“We’re both Leos, Harzy.”
“Eh, close enough.”
Remus raised an eyebrow at her. “You should probably start asking questions before this devolves further, Marley. He’s gonna keep digging himself a hole and we won’t get anything done.”
Marlene’s smile returned with a vengeance. “That’s where you’re wrong, Loops! We’re not doing any questions at all today.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Read it and weep.” She tossed a small posterboard at him like a frisbee; he caught it, barely, though both Talker and Sirius had to duck out of the way. Marlene faced the camera and winked. “Welcome back to Lion Pride, everyone! Today I’m here with Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, Thomas Walker, and our wonderful cubs to react to your comments on our videos!”
“Bet you thought we’d never see ‘em, huh?” James asked.
“The comments fall into four categories: thirsty, funny, mean, and sweet. I will be reading two of those groups, and my lovely fiancée will be reading the others because she is the human embodiment of sunshine.”
“If you make Dorcas read the mean ones, I’ll be sad,” Leo laughed.
Marlene gave him a look of disbelief. “You think I’m passing up a chance to roast you guys? Puh-lease. We’re starting off strong with some thirsty, thirsty comments! Loops, you’re up first.”
“This is going to be fun,” Sirius said, leaning back in his chair.
She cleared her throat, then turned a smoldering look on their table. “I didn’t know I had a freckle kink, but then Remus Lupin appeared and now here we are.”
“Oh, shit,” Remus muttered, covering his face with his hands as the others howled with laughter.
“Lupin has been looking sexy as hell on the bench for years now. I'm so glad people are simping over him like he deserves,” Marlene read. “And there’s a little heart emoji, just for you.”
“This is every one of my nightmares come to life,” Remus said, though his voice was muffled by his forearms.
James lifted his glasses to swipe away the tears of mirth that had gathered in his eyes. “Are you kidding? This is everything I have ever wanted.”
“Y’know, it is so good to see people drooling over this hot piece of ass at last,” Finn sighed, reaching over to ruffle Remus’ hair as his face turned bright red.
“One more, and it’s a good one,” Marlene warned. She licked her lips, then had to take a moment to laugh before speaking. “I feel like Remus Lupin is the type of guy to bake you muffins—”
“Accurate,” Leo said.
“—but is also a kinky motherfucker.”
Remus’ mouth dropped open as the table erupted into cheering. Logan pumped both fists in the air and Sirius was laughing so hard no sound came out; Talker sank so low in his chair that only his head and shoulders were visible as he applauded.
“Why do people comment these things?” Remus asked, barely above a whisper. “Holy fuck, I’m engaged!”
“Speaking of…” Marlene raised her eyebrows and Sirius smile drooped.
“Oh, no.”
“Oh, yes. Buckle up, Cap!” She rolled her shoulders out. “Get someone who looks at you the way Sirius Black looks at a hockey puck.”
Remus snorted; James’ laugh was so short and sharp that it set everyone else off as well. “That sounds like I have a hockey puck fetish!” Sirius complained. “Which is so, so not true!”
Finn made an ‘ehh’ noise, and he leaned around Remus to smack the back of his head. “Hey!”
“Next one!” Marlene announced. “Sirius Black was my bi awakening.”
A beat of silence passed. “Is that it?” Sirius ventured, looking nervous.
“Yep.”
“Aw, man, that one’s lame,” Talker said, shaking his head. “Everyone thinks Cap is a little hot.”
Remus shot him a look. “A little?”
“Fair. Marley, I dare you to find one person who wouldn’t tap that.”
She rolled her eyes. “Me, though that dovetails nicely into the last one for our lovely captain. Ahem. I understand why Remus is with Sirius: he's hot as hell and rich, I'd hit that too.”
“Oh, fuck, you’re right,” Leo gasped. “Why didn’t I think of that?”
Finn and Logan turned to him in unison with a mix of disbelief and offense written all over their faces. “Dude.”
“First of all, Leo, you found yourself two hot rich boys,” Remus interrupted. “Second, that comment is forgetting that he’s funny, and smart, and nice, and—”
Seconds after the initial cover, Sirius took his hand off Remus’ mouth as if he’d been burned. “Did you just lick me?”
“Moving on! This is in all caps, so be prepared.” Marlene shuffled through her posterboards and turned to Leo with an ominous smile. He glanced toward the camera in mild fear. “What does a person have to do to get some hockey player ass?! Like why is Leo Knut so fine?!”
“Amen!” Logan called as Leo blushed.
“According to six of the seven people at this table, the answer to that first question is to be a hockey player,” Talker laughed. “The world may never know the answer to the second, sadly.”
“Lily could play hockey,” James said, resting his chin on his hand. Every single one of the others rolled their eyes. “She could! She’d be so good at it, too.”
“We know,” Finn groaned. “You only mention it every other day.”
“Speaking of the lovely Mrs. Potter,” Marlene began with a sly look as she held up a new card. “Do James and Lily Potter need a third? Asking for me specifically.”
James paused, dumbstruck, while the others drummed their hands on the table. “…no?”
A general sigh of disappointment went up. “I was really hoping he’d say yes,” Leo said.
“Ask Lily next time,” Remus recommended.
James turned to him and blinked slowly. “What are you insinuating, Loops?”
“Oh, nothing.”
“Don’t worry, James, you’ll like this one,” Marlene assured him. “James Potter is the ultimate dilf.”
“You’re damn right I am!” James whooped. “Vindication, bitches!”
“Marley, what have you done?” Talker whispered. “He’ll never shut up about that, now.”
“Oh, never,” James all but cackled. “I’m officially a dilf, you guys!”
“I hate you,” Sirius groaned.
“Tremzy, are you ready? We’ve got a couple very special ones for you,” Marlene said.
“Anything to get us out of this hell,” Logan begged.
“In that case: Logan Tremblay’s ass is better than Sidney Crosby’s. I said what I said.”
A pleased flush rose to his cheeks as Finn and Leo high-fived over his head. “Really? Thank you!”
“And they would be correct!” Finn announced. “Best ass in the league.”
“Come on,” Remus scoffed, though he was smiling.
Marlene cleared her throat to get their attention. “I don’t think I can legally read this on air without being censored or getting the video taken down, but…”
She turned the board around; all seven of them leaned forward to read it, then slowly looked at Logan, who turned vivid red. “Mon dieu. Is that—someone commented that on a video? Like, for people to see?”
“I feel like I need to bleach my eyes,” Sirius said just as Finn began shaking with silent laughter.
Leo’s face fell. “You wrote that, didn’t you?”
“I did,” Finn wheezed, scooting forward to fist-bump Marlene. “We wanted to see what you guys would say. Fuckin’ hell, your faces.”
“Alright, Talkie, are you ready?” Marlene asked around her laughter. “Seeing Thomas Walker with a baby makes me want to have his babies…please hit me up.”
He held up his index finger and took a second to laugh before responding. “If that’s Noelle, yes. If that’s anyone else, I’m flattered, but absolutely not.”
Logan made a face. “Ew.”
“We have two more,” Marlene warned. “For some very special people that aren’t here today, but I think you’ll like them anyway.”
Sirius narrowed his eyes. “I don’t trust the look on your face.”
“Daddy Dumo makes me swoon.”
A muddle of horrified noises echoed through the studio as all seven of them cringed. “Oh, my god, that’s my dad!” Logan yelped, covering his ears. Sirius looked vaguely ill and Remus’ shoulders crept toward his ears; James shuddered.
“The worst part is, we all know he can get it,” Finn said with a grimace. “God, I feel like I just heard someone talking about my parents having sex.”
“I’m sure he’ll love to hear that,” Marlene laughed. “Last one, from one of our truth or drinks.”
Remus went pale half a second too late. “N—”
“Hope Lupin is a milf.”
A broken noise escaped his mouth and he clamped his hand over it while Talker rubbed his back in sympathy. Sirius shook his head. “Somehow, that’s worse than Dumo’s.”
“Whoever sent that in, show some respect!” Leo said indignantly as Remus bonked his forehead against the table. “Hope Lupin is a lovely woman!”
“I think they noticed that particular fact,” Marlene pointed out, earning herself several scandalized shouts of her name and a whine from Remus. “That’s all we have for thirst comments! Are you ready for some funny ones?”
“Anything,” Remus pleaded. “I am begging you, anything else.”
Marlene shook her head as she stood, still smiling, and kissed Dorcas on the cheek when she entered the frame. “Go for it, love.”
“Dorcas!” they all cheered, lighting up immediately.
“Hey, guys, it’s been a while!” She curled up in Marlene’s vacant spot and took her own posterboards out from underneath the seat. “Alright, let’s rock and roll. Pascal Dumais is the team dad and nothing will change my mind, and Tremzy is the annoying youngest child.”
“That is so accurate,” Sirius laughed, leaning just out of range of Logan’s playful punch. “Whoever commented that has no idea how right they are.”
“We’ve got a whole sibling dynamic thing going on,” Talker agreed. “Tremzy’s the baby of the family, Cap is the quietly chaotic middle child, and Pots is the older brother that starts shit and inevitably gets blamed for however out-of-control it gets.”
Dorcas nodded. “You are one hundred percent correct. In a similar vein: Pots was the dad jokes friend before he was even a dad.”
“Painfully so,” Leo confirmed, shaking his head as they all groaned in agreement. James looked rather smug about the whole thing. “So many puns.”
“Oh, you’ll like this one,” Dorcas mused as she drew a new card. “If Tremzy looked directly into my eyes for even two seconds, all of my problems would be solved. I am sure of it.”
“Yes,” Finn and Leo said in unison.
“It’s something about the eyes, I think,” James added. “They just stand out so much that it’s a little startling straight-on.”
Logan looked to the camera and stared at it, unblinking; it zoomed in slightly on his face. “Everything will be fine,” he said with mock solemnity. “Your problems are solved.”
“Well, that was terrifying,” Sirius said drily. “Got any more for us, Ms. Meadowes?”
“Of course I do! We’ve got quite a few for Loops and Leo.” She took a sip of her water before getting comfortable again. “My favorite thing about these videos is that we can all see Loops get steadily buffer as the season goes on. Good for you, king!”
“Flex! Flex! Flex!” the six of them chanted; Remus rolled his eyes, but slid his sweater sleeve to his elbow and flexed his forearm, resulting in enough hoots and hollers that they could probably be heard a block away. Talker fake-swooned into Leo’s arms and Remus lightly whacked him on the shoulder.
“Remus Lupin looks like he has squishable cheeks,” Dorcas read aloud.
“He does!” James cooed, scooting over and reaching out.
Remus narrowed his eyes. “I swear to god I’ll bite you.”
Sirius cupped his face between his palms and kissed his nose, then pinched both his cheeks gently. “Ta-da!”
“How many of these do we have?” Remus asked, though his voice was a bit muffled by Sirius’ hands.
“Just one more for you, and it’s my personal favorite.” Dorcas assured him. “I love how the team probably had no impulse control until Loops joined.”
Sirius let go of his face and dissolved into laughter as Finn nearly fell on the floor. “Oh my—you think he has impulse control?” Talker slapped the edge of the table as he shook his head. “Absolutely not. Hell no, Loops is the first person to do stupid shit with us.”
“Yeah, I just don’t get caught,” Remus added around his own laughter. “Everyone thinks I’m such a hardass goody-two-shoes and it lets me get away with so much more than you delinquents.”
“Speaking of delinquents,” Dorcas continued. “This one is from our ‘Taste Testing Sexy Alcohol’ video: ah, yes, now I know how to do a body shot. 10/10, very educational video.”
“Do not take educational advice from us,” Finn blurted instantly. “I know this is a joke, but please exercise caution. That video was a ton of fun but a nightmare to recover from.”
Sirius winced at the memory. “I took two naps and then wished for death for a full day.”
“On a lighter note, who’s ready for some Knutty appreciation?” Dorcas smiled at her cards. “I've only had Leo Knut for a season and half, but if anything happened to him, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.”
“Big mood,” four of them said simultaneously.
Leo turned to the camera with a concerned look on his face. “That’s a meme reference, but are y’all okay?”
“No,” Dorcas answered. “Especially not this next person: Sometimes I do something productive and then I remember @LeoKnut is a 19 year old professional athlete who radiates happiness and with two of the hottest boyfriends the good lord has made, and then my bowl of packaged ramen seems less impressive.”
“I’m proud of your ramen,” Leo said, even as the corners of his mouth twitched in a smile. “And I appreciate the note about my boyfriends, because they are definitely the hottest people the good lord has made.”
Talker stuck his lip out in a pout. “Rude.”
“Sorry, Talkie, I’m biased.”
“Last one before Marlene comes back, so you’d better enjoy it!” Dorcas announced. “Did the Lions effectively utilize girl power when they wrecked toxic masculinity, yes or yes?”
“Can we utilize girl power?” Remus wondered, resting his shin on his hand. “Isn’t that exclusively for, y’know, women?”
“We can utilize himbo power,” Finn suggested.
James gave him an offended look. “Not all of us are himbos!”
“Okay, but you definitely are.”
“I am not!” James held up his fingers to count. “There are only, like, three qualifications, right? I might be strong, hot, and respectful, but I’m not dumb so it doesn’t count!”
“Pots,” Remus said quietly, hiding his smile for half a second. “Buddy, that was four things.”
James paused, then sighed in resignation. “Ah, fuck, I’m a himbo.”
“You really are.”
“At least we don’t promote toxic masculinity.”
They raised their waterbottles in a ‘cheers’ motion as Marlene and Dorcas switched spots; Marlene stretched her arms over her head and grabbed the new boards. “I’m back, beloved himbos. Talker, Leo, you are beloved by the people and have no mean comments. Cap, we’re starting with you.”
“Are they actually mean mean?” he asked.
“Sirius Black seems like a little bitch. Not in a bad way, necessarily. He just. Seems like he'd be a little bitch."
Sirius raised his eyebrows. “Oh, okay. That answers one question.”
“He’s not a little bitch,” Leo said. “Pouty on occasion, but not a little bitch.”
Remus gave him a long look, then shook his head. “Yeah, I mean, you teared up a little when Hattie got a splinter in her paw but didn’t even yell when you almost sliced your finger off while making dinner.”
“Duality of man,” Finn said sagely.
Marlene cocked an eyebrow. “Finn O’Hara’s hair kind of reminds me of Garfield the Cat.”
“Alright, that’s just rude.”
“It does not!” Logan gasped at the same time Leo made a noise of agreement.
Finn turned to him in utter betrayal. “Nutter Butter, I thought you liked my hair!”
“I do!” Leo defended. “But they’re not entirely wrong. It’s very orange in the sun.”
“I’m never going to forget that,” Finn muttered, staring at the floor.
“Ugh, it bothers me so much that Lupin just objectifies Black all the time!” Marlene read in a high-pitched, nasal voice. “No respect in that relationship!”
Sirius raised his eyebrows. “Pardon?”
Marlene stared at it for a moment, then shrugged. “Yeah, I have no idea what videos they were watching. Do you feel objectified in your relationship, Cap? I know the opinion of total strangers really bothers you a lot.”
“I’m really glad you picked up on that,” he said with false gravity. “Yeah, it’s such a bummer when my hot fiancé says I look nice. Such a blow to my self-esteem.”
“That was supposed to be a roast against me,” Remus said, looking amused. “Talk about backfiring.”
“Are you ready, Pots? This one’s pretty brutal,” Marlene warned. James nodded and Finn linked their hands for moral support. “James Potter is a swiftie and you cannot tell me otherwise.”
He furrowed his eyebrows. “…yeah? That’s true? T Swift is a regular occurrence on the locker room playlist.”
“Also, James Potter looks like someone who would think black pepper was spicy.”
“Now that one is mean,” he complained as the others burst out laughing. “It’s not my fault I have sensitive taste buds!”
“Oh, honey,” she said under her breath as she took a new card. “Get ready, Tremzy. This first one is short and sweet: Logan Tremblay looks like a lesbian.”
“That is not an insult,” Logan laughed. “Every lesbian I know is rad as fuck. I wish I looked that good in a leather jacket.”
“I just realized Logan doesn’t look short cause he’s next to bunch of hockey players, he’s short cause he’s 5’9.”
The smile slipped off his face in a millisecond as the others roared with laughter. “Quoi?”
“Oh, she got you good,” Sirius gasped, patting his shoulder clumsily. “Holy fuck, can I frame that?”
“That’s not what it says.” An edge of distress appeared in Logan’s voice. “Marley, that’s not what it says.”
James sat on the floor with the heels of his palms pressed against his eyes. “You’re fucking—whoever sent that in, you are my new favorite person. Jesus.”
“Do you need a second to recover before we move on?” Dorcas asked as she draped her arms over the back of Marlene’s chair. “The next one is our biggest section by far.”
“It’s the sweet ones, yeah?” Leo asked.
“Right.”
“It might be a good idea to do those before Lo spontaneously combusts.”
“Agreed!” She swapped with Marlene and hauled a short stack of posterboards out from their hiding place with a smile. “A hug from Dumo can probably solve any issue.”
“Facts,” Logan said. “I could really use one right about now, too.”
“Has anyone noticed how blue Leo Knut’s eyes are?”
“Yes,” the six of them chorused.
Finn gave him a dreamy look. “Every single day.”
“When I first read this one, I thought I wrote it,” Dorcas said with a snort. “Someone give Marlene a raise. No reason why, I just love her.”
“Can we do that?” Sirius asked, looking toward the camera crew. “Can we lobby to give you guys raises? Because you definitely deserve it after all the bullshit you deal with to make these videos watchable, and Marlene, you’ve drawn the short end of the stick ninety percent of the time.”
“How?” she called off-screen.
“You have to actually talk to us and try to get answers.”
“Fair.”
Dorcas finished scribbling something down on her notepad. “Just making a note of this conversation for future reference. Moving on! Sirius Black and James Potter are a prime example of hockey husbands, and I adore them.”
“The ironic part of that is that we’re both in committed relationships, but we’re basically married,” James mused.
Remus shook his head. “You guys are so married. Lily wanted to get you matching rings for your birthday, Pots.”
“That would be so cool!” they said in perfect unison. Remus turned to the camera and spread his hands in a case in point motion.
Dorcas stifled her laughter before moving on. “This one is cute. Give Remus Lupin all the hugs! I feel like I could tell him he’s an inspiration and he’d be so nice about it—” She paused to glance up at them. “—this next bit is in parentheses: all the LGBT Lions give me that vibe, but Cap and Knutty are super intimidating so I wouldn’t have the guts.”
Leo’s face fell and Sirius’ eyebrows pitched. “I’m not intimidating!” Leo protested. “I thought we already went over that! Loops gives fantastic hugs, but I want some, too.”
“He definitely deserves all the hugs in the world, but I promise I’m nice,” Sirius said, a bit softer than usual. “Is it because we’re tall?”
Dorcas half-shrugged. “Probably. It’s a little startling at first. Oh, I could’ve written this one, too: The Venn diagram of men I trust and the Gryffindor Lions is a full circle.”
Talker beamed at the camera. “Thank you!”
“So many hockey guys are such douchebags,” Logan said with a shake of his head. “I’m really glad we don’t do that shit.”
“Me, too.” Dorcas slid her old card under her chair. “Sirius Black’s hair looks so soft and I just want to touch it so bad.”
“It is so soft,” Remus agreed immediately. “You have no idea.”
“Everyone wants to touch Cap’s hair,” Finn said, sighing. “It’s so majestic.”
“I need a haircut.”
“No, you don’t,” Remus said as he tugged a stray curl. Sirius hummed.
“This one is from the interview some you did with Jules and Katie: these hockey boys being so soft with kids is my aesthetic! Like, it’s just so adorable to see these big, intimidating dudes be so, so sweet! Love them all!” She turned the card for them to see. “And then they added a heart at the end.”
“It’s impossible to be around those kids and not be happy,” James said. “They’re just too cute and wonderful.”
“Yeah, I love kids.” Finn nodded. “Especially the Dumais and Jules. They’re a hoot.”
“Jules would die if he heard you say that,” Remus laughed. “The hero worship is still going strong with most of you.”
“This one made me laugh when I first read it, but it’s really sweet,” Dorcas informed them. “Anyone else feel like we were deceived these past five years into thinking Cap was this hard-ass man, when in reality he's a cuddle bug who definitely captures and releases spiders instead of squishing them?”
“You weren’t deceived, I was just closeted,” Sirius said. “Also, I absolutely squish spiders.”
Remus gave him a look. “No, you do not. That’s my job. I’m the catch and release person if I can get away with it.”
James shook his head. “The third week of practices you saw a spider and threw me at it.”
“You did what?” Finn asked.
“There was a spider in my stall,” Sirius sighed, looking as if he would rather be anywhere else. “And Pots and I were talking so I didn’t see it until I almost sat on it, and my brain decided the only logical thing to do would be to grab him and shove him toward the spider.”
“That was after you shrieked,” Talker added. “Like, literally shrieked. I’ve never heard anyone make a noise like that.”
“Alright, alright,” Sirius grumbled. “We get it, I don’t like spiders.”
Remus shrugged. “But you are a cuddle bug. They got that part right.”
“We’re in the final two!” Dorcas announced. “This one has some pictures to go with it, so it’s on my phone. Fuck Romeo and Juliet, I want what these bitches have.”
“It’s us!” Leo cooed as the phone made its way down the line. In the upper corner of the screen, the photo appeared—it had been taken in New York, and Logan’s whole face was alight with happiness as Leo and Finn each pressed a kiss to his cheek. The camera caught him mid-laugh, so his eyes were closed and his chin was tucked slightly into Finn’s Strand hoodie.
“That’s my screensaver,” Finn said with a grin, pulling his phone out and turning it toward the camera without moving away from Leo. “One of my favorites.”
“I forgot you took that one,” Logan murmured. He hooked his chin over Leo’s shoulder and kissed his cheek; the four others at the table gave soft are you seeing this? looks to the camera and Dorcas smiled.
“Pots, I think yours is next. I hate to break it to you, Talkie, but they didn’t get any of you and Noelle.”
“We don’t take a ton of pictures together,” Talker said as James took the phone. “I mean, we take a bunch of selfies, but we don’t live close enough to each other to actually post that often. What picture is it, J?”
James was staring down at the picture with an unbearably sweet expression. “It’s our wedding. That’s my favorite one, actually.”
Like Logan, they had been captured while laughing—Lily was bent slightly at the waist as James clapped, his glasses just as askew as the flower crown on her head. It was impossible to tell who had told the joke originally, but they were both radiant in the sunset.
“That’s a really good one,” Sirius said with an unreadable look on his face.
“Well, well, well, fancypants, you two got a video.” James wiggled his eyebrows and Remus leaned in to see.
“What kind of video? One of our tikt—oh. Oh, this is so cute.” He shifted his chair over as the short edit began to play. “D, who made this?”
“A fan.”
“It’s really impressive,” Sirius said without taking his eyes off the screen. The edit was a series of photos, both on and off the ice; Sirius knocking their helmets together, then Remus looking back over his shoulder, then both of them in the water playing chicken in the sun. It was a slideshow of their life and their love.
“Can you send that to me?” Remus asked when it was over. “Cause that’s super cool.”
“Sure thing. Are you guys ready for the last one?” When they all nodded, she drummed her fingers on the posterboard and cleared her throat. “Arthur appreciation hours. He deserves it after managing to control the team.”
A cheer went up—all seven stood and applauded, half-laughing and half-whooping. “Miracle worker!” Sirius called.
“Best coach in the league!” Finn added.
“Most tolerant man to ever walk the earth!” Remus raised his water in a toast and they tapped the plastic edges together, nearly spilling all over the table.
Dorcas’ eyes crinkled in a smile as she turned to the camera. “That’s it for today, Lions! Tune in next time for more content of our boys, and thank you for such wonderful comments!”
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I posted 1,113 times in 2021
423 posts created (38%)
690 posts reblogged (62%)
For every post I created, I reblogged 1.6 posts.
I added 710 tags in 2021
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Longest Tag: 125 characters
#i'm currently using my personal laptop for work things because my work laptop was getting repaired and then i was quarantined
My Top Posts in 2021
#5
Just spent over an hour on the phone with a nearly incoherent drunk teenager who moved halfway across the US to follow her boyfriend to college only to find out that he's been cheating on her since the first week of the semester. She found out because he broke up with her so he could be with the other girl. She thought they were going to get married and live happily ever after and now her whole world (justifiably) feels like it's ending.
This is a friendly reminder to think long and hard about following a significant other to college if you don't actually want to attend that college yourself. I've seen this happen way too many times and everyone thinks that their sacrifice will be worth it long term and that they're going to beat the odds and I literally do not know a single person who that's actually worked out for. The only high school sweethearts I know who are still together are my parents (they got married at 18. My dad didn't go to college, but supported my mom through engineering school while pursuing his own career) and a couple who went to different colleges in different states and maintained a long-distance relationship for 3 years before moving to the same city and getting married a year later.
For my teenage followers: Please be selfish with your college choice (and maybe think long and hard about whether you even need to go to college, but that's a different soapbox). It's ok to put yourself first, here. Love does not require martyrdom. Someone who truly loves you and wants the best for you is not going to demand that you put aside your plans/dreams so you'll be easily accessible to them.
6842 notes • Posted 2021-09-28 05:33:25 GMT
#4
10206 notes • Posted 2021-10-23 00:52:42 GMT
#3
Y'all ever read a book or a fic and you get to the end and you're suddenly mad at yourself? Like. You idiot. You absolute fool. You should have slowed down. You should have savored it. It was so good and you didn't appreciate it enough. You will never get to experience this for the first time again. Shameful.
10427 notes • Posted 2021-03-04 05:04:09 GMT
#2
Small Town Grocery Store Stories: LGBTQ+ friendly edition
Me: minding my own damn business in the grocery store
One of my students and a few of his teammates enter the dairy aisle.
My student is holding hands with one of his teammates.
My student: Oh hey, Professor X!
Me, who has both my student and his girlfriend in my class: ...Hello
My student, looking at his hand-holding partner: Oh! Don’t worry. My girlfriend knows. Not that I’m cheating! I’m not cheating. I’m not gay.
Hand Holding boy: Not that being gay is a bad thing! It’s a good thing!
My student: Right! But no, listen. We aren’t together, we just hold hands in public sometimes.
Hand Holding Boy: Especially on Friday nights. And weekends. And at away games.
My student: Because sometimes people will say shit and then we can fight them! And if the fight started because someone was being homophobic, coach won’t get mad at us.
Hand Holding Boy: Always nice to threaten a homophobe. And [gesturing to another boy in the group] maybe they’ll think twice about saying something to [other boy’s name] if he ever gets a boyfriend and wants to hold his hand for real.
The Gay One, resigned but smiling: I’ve decided it’s sweet and not really fucking weird.
37354 notes • Posted 2021-02-13 01:29:46 GMT
#1
Ever since I found out that earthworms have taste buds all over the delicate pink strings of their bodies, I pause dropping apple peels into the compost bin, imagine the dark, writhing ecstasy, the sweetness of apples permeating their pores. I offer beets and parsley, avocado, and melon, the feathery tops of carrots.
I’d always thought theirs a menial life, eyeless and hidden, almost vulgar—though now, it seems, they bear a pleasure so sublime, so decadent, I want to contribute however I can, forgetting, a moment, my place on the menu.
Feeding the Worms by Danusha Laméris
37396 notes • Posted 2021-04-26 23:56:45 GMT
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handsome stranger
fem!reader x drew mcintyre
Drew has just moved next door to the reader and noticed her sitting in the window alone on Christmas Eve watching the snow fall ... "hi, i couldn't help but notice you were alone."
word count: 3.8k+
warnings: soft smut, some fluff, cute moments, idrk what else
— day fourrr. i’m doing good and trying my best here to get one christmas / holiday / winter themed imagine up everyday. feel free to send in any requests if you want one written —
masterlist || request an imagine here
~ 18+ content below - read at your own risk ~
You sit on the little window sill in your living room, holding a mug of hot chocolate in your hand. You watch as the snow falls from the sky.
Snow is so beautiful. Especially the fluffy white kind. It makes everything shimmer and sparkle, and it's the only thing that makes the holiday season bearable.
Your knees are pulled up to your chest and your arms are wrapped around your knees. You're wearing your comfortable Christmas pajamas, considering it is Christmas Eve.
Christmas music plays in the background as you remember the times you spent dancing with your fiancée in the living room, lit only by the fireplace. Now, you sit alone, with the only light coming from the fireplace.
It's been three years since he left, but it hurts knowing that you spent seven Christmases and seven New Years with him just for him to leave you for someone he met at the gym.
You watch as a silhouette walks alone in the snow on the sidewalk outside of your house. The silhouette stops at the stairs leading up to your house.
The silhouette walks up the stairs and as it gets closer, you realize that it's about six foot five with jeans, sneakers, and a hoodie. You get up when the doorbell to your house rings.
After setting the mug of hot chocolate down on the coffee table, you walk to the front door. You open it, revealing a very handsome stranger. He says, "Hi, I couldn't help but notice ya were alone."
He has an accent but you can't put a finger on where it could be from. You lean against the door as you try to figure out what kind of accent he has and say, "It's not unusual."
"No one should be alone on Christmas," the handsome stranger says.
You blink and say, "You're alone on Christmas. Well, you were walking alone, anyway."
He laughs a little bit and says, "That I was. I like the snow. It's peaceful and reminds me a lot about Scotland."
That accent did sound a lot like a Scottish accent but you weren't sure. It has an American twist to it though.
"Scotland," you echo. "You're a little far from home."
The handsome stranger nods and says, "I am. I just moved in, right over there." He points to the house right next to yours. "I can't afford to fly back home this year because I just bought the house so I am also alone this Christmas."
You look back at your empty house and say, "I just made hot chocolate if you'd like to come in. Maybe we don't actually have to be alone this Christmas. It'd be a nice change actually." You move to the side.
He flashes you a kind smile and walks into the house. You close the door, rubbing your arms to warm them up. You walk back into the kitchen, pouring a mug of hot chocolate for your guest. "Would you like marshmallows or whipped cream?" you ask.
"Whipped cream sounds nice," he says. "Thank ya." You nod and put some whipped cream on top of the hot chocolate in the mug. You offer him the mug and he takes a sip.
The hot chocolate is more lukewarm than hot so he won't burn his tongue.
After he sips the hot chocolate, he has whipped cream in his mustache and on his nose. You giggle a bit and say, "Um, you have whipped cream on your nose."
"Oh," he says. "Do I?"
You smile and say, "Here. Let me get it." You grab a clean cloth off the counter and wipe away the whipped cream. "There. It's gone now."
The handsome stranger smiles down at you and says, "Thank ya."
You put the cloth down and give him a little nod before leaving the kitchen and walking into the living room to grab your mug. The nameless but handsome stranger follows you.
"I never caught your name," you point out as you turn to face him.
He laughs softly before saying, "I never threw it, but it's Drew. Drew McIntyre."
You smile and say, "Y/N L/N. How long have you lived here? I can tell you have an American accent mixed with the Scottish accent."
Drew sips his hot chocolate and says, "I've lived here off and on since the better part of thirteen years or so, since 2007."
You've sat down on the couch by this point. Drew joins you as you ask, "What do you do that keeps you in America?"
Hesitantly, he says, "I'm a professional wrestler for WWE. I'm actually WWE Champion right now."
"WWE," you echo. "My brother has always wanted to wrestle for WWE and has gone to every tryout but never got signed. He's in Ring of Honor and PWG right now. I've never been into wrestling. I'm more of a softball person. I played in college."
Drew says, "Maybe I get help get yer brother through the door in WWE. I might be able to get him signed to at least NXT but he's gotta prove himself."
You smile and say, "You'd do that for him?"
The handsome stranger nods as he takes another sip of his drink. "Yeah," he says. "I'd like to see him wrestle though so I know that he can actually wrestle."
"He'd love that," you say. "Thank you. I'll call him tomorrow."
Drew nods and says, "Of course."
You smile and take another sip of your hot chocolate.
It's quiet for a few moments before Drew asks, "What do ya do? Like work-wise."
"I'm a fashion designer," you say. "For Gucci. It's a job that I love and it's kept me sane in the past few years. I'd like to open my own shop one day."
He takes a sip of his hot chocolate and says, "That sounds like a lot of fun. Ya must have a very creative mind in that pretty head of yers."
Your face heats up a bit and you say, "Yeah, you can say that." You let out a light laugh. "I try to be creative, anyway."
Drew looks at you for a second before an idea pops into his head and he asks, "Would ya like to design some new ring fer me? I've been needing some new gear and have never really found anyone that I'd trust enough to design some new gear."
You raise your eyebrows at the Scot and say, "You just met me and have already offered to help my brother get into WWE and now you're asking me to help design new ring gear for you? I don't know you well enough to design gear for you."
The handsome stranger says, "It's just an offer. Ya don't have to take it."
"I'd love to but I'd like to get to know you a little bit more before I design anything," you say.
He smiles and says, "I can agree with that. We have all night."
You smile and echo, "All night."
Honestly, you don't mind spending all night with Drew. All night with Drew is better than being alone. Especially on Christmas.
The two of you sip hot chocolate for hours. He explains his journey to the WWE, getting fired then working his way back to WWE, becoming NXT Champion and eventually WWE Champion. It's a long journey but his hard work paid off in the end.
You explain how you got into designing and everything. You always were into fashion and clothes. You majored in fashion design in college while minoring in business and accounting. You omit the part about having a fiancée and him leaving you three years ago.
Drew listens to every word you say and you answer every question he has. You do the same to him, and he answers every question you have for him.
After about two hours of sitting and talking, Drew asks the question you've been dreading.
"What made ya end up alone on Christmas? Don't ya have family?" he asks.
You sigh and say, "I lost both my parents when I was in college in an accident. I have no aunts or uncles or cousins. I have my brother but he's married with kids. I had a fiancée but he left three years ago so I've kind of just been alone on Christmas since."
He waits until you're done talking to say anything.
Once you've said all that you want to, Drew says, "Ya have just been through the wringer, haven't ya?"
You scoff a bit and say, "Through the wringer is an understatement."
Drew asks, "What can I do to help? I can't imagine how ya feel with it being Christmas and ya sitting here alone in this house."
You stare at Drew and say, "You want to help me?"
The handsome stranger nods and says, "Name it and I'll make it happen."
You think for a moment before you say, "Show me some of your matches. I want to see you wrestle. Distract me."
He smiles and pulls up one of his matches on his phone. You move closer to him so you can see easier. It's from Wrestlemania 36. Night two.
"This was when I won my title for the first time," he explains as both his and his opponent's entrances are made. "It's my favorite and the most important match of my career."
You watch as he wins the match and the title in about five minutes. You're a little distracted by the fact that he's wearing practically nothing.
Drew looks at you occasionally as you watch to see your eyes fixated on him on the screen, almost watching in awe. He smiles a bit.
Once the Wrestlemania match is over, he puts on the Royal Rumble match. You ask, "What's this match?"
"It's the match I had to win to face the WWE Champion at the time at Wrestlemania," he explains as it starts. "If I won, which I did, then I can challenge whichever champion I'd like. I chose Brock Lesnar and the WWE Championship."
You watch the long match. When Drew enters, you find yourself biting your lip. You can't help it. He's attractive when he's in the ring. He's attractive just sitting in a hoodie and jeans beside you.
Around entry number 25, you look up at Drew. He's looking down at you.
"You should show me some of these moves one day," you say quietly. His face is close to yours because of how close you are sitting to him.
He smiles a bit and asks, "Which ones?"
You meet his eyes and say, "The ones where you'd pin me to something." Drew's tongue swipes across his bottom lip.
Your heart rate has picked up as you get closer and closer to kissing the handsome stranger.
Drew's voice drops a tone and says, "Now, now, Miss L/N. We've only just met."
He just got a thousand times more attractive by doing that with his voice. Not to mention he's the most selfless human you've ever met. He's obviously very kind. He saw you were alone and offered to spend all night with you.
All this has happened in a span of three or four hours.
You tilt your head up and say, "I said to distract me." You bite your bottom lip gently.
"That's very true," he says, putting his phone down. The eye contact continues.
Drew licks his bottom lip again as the tension continues to build between the two of you. Your heart continues to race in your chest.
You have no idea what's about to happen but it's been three years since you've been this close to anyone. You won't mind whatever comes next.
Your voice has almost dropped to a whisper. "So," you say. "How about showing me some of these moves?"
Drew gives a little smirk before, in one swift movement, he gets you on your back. He's straddling your waist and pinning your wrists to the couch. You stare at him with wide eyes.
"Woah," you gasp.
He laughs a bit and says, "Ya did ask me to show ya some of the moves where I pin ya."
You say, "Mhm. I did ask you to do that."
Drew smiles and gets off of you. You sit up and face him.
An idea pops into your head and you literally pounce on Drew, pinning him on his back on the couch. You know he could very easily flip you over so you try to put all your weight onto him. All 130 pounds of you.
"Hm," he says. "Not too bad."
You giggle and say, "My brother did practice on me a little bit. Just a little bit."
He smiles and says, "I know a move that he definitely didn't practice on ya."
You raise your eyebrows and ask, "What would that be?"
Drew leans up and kisses you. You gasp a little bit before kissing him back.
As you share the kiss with Drew, he rolls so he's pinning you to the couch again. You stare up at him, pouting. "That's not fair," you whine. "I was distracted."
He laughs and says, "Ya told me to distract ya."
You pout some more as Drew looks down at you. "You can't just kiss someone then pin them to the couch," you say.
The kiss was something you haven't experienced since your fiancée left. Yes, you've kissed people since your fiancée said goodbye but none of those kisses felt like the kiss you just shared with Drew.
Speaking of Drew, he sits up and pulls you up with him. You throw your legs across his lap and look at him.
"Can I kiss ya again?" he asks. "So I can make it up to ya?"
You say, "You don't have to ask to kiss me, Drew."
Drew's lips come down to yours. The kiss is as soft and as slow as it was before. Hesitantly, you put your hands on his face, cupping his cheek.
That's when you feel the soft ache in your core from Drew pinning you to the couch. It was so hot. You could barely contain yourself when he pinned you not once but twice to the couch.
One of Drew's hands rests on your thigh extremely close to your core. You take his hand and pull back from the kiss. You both look at his hand in yours before you move his hand so it's resting on your core.
Hopefully, the handsome stranger can't feel how wet you are for him over your pajama pants.
"What do ya want, Y/N?" he asks softly, his accent thick. "Tell me what ya want."
You meet his eyes and say, "I want you to kiss me, touch me. I want you."
That's all Drew needs to hear before he pulls you onto his lap. You straddle his thighs and your lips are on his. You gently grind against him, a soft groan escaping his lips into your mouth.
Your hands snake up the front of Drew's hoodie. You find he's wearing just the hoodie on his upper body. You can feel his toned stomach and hairy chest. You run your fingers down his chest before you decide to pull off his hoodie.
Drew helps you pull off the piece of clothing. As soon as it's off, you press kisses to his neck and chest. His fingers run through your hair.
His fingers have found their way up the back of your shirt, pushing the fabric up. Nervously, you pull off your pajama shirt, fully exposing your upper body to Drew.
You watch as his tongue swipes across his bottom lip as he eyes your naked upper body.
This is very nerve-wracking. You haven't been with anyone since your fiancé left. This is the first time you've even been half-naked around anyone else.
Drew sees your hands begin to shake and he takes them in his. "We don't have to do anything, Y/N," he says, meeting your eyes.
"No I want to," you say, sighing. "It's just, I haven't been with anyone like this in years. It's making me nervous."
He smiles at you and says, "Ya don't have to be nervous, Y/N. I don't bite unless ya ask of course."
Smiling, you say, "I might just take you up on that." Your nerves begin to wash away as Drew leans up, kissing you passionately. His hands are on your bare lower back, pushing you into him and holding you there.
"Drew," you mumble. "Let's not make a mess on my cushions."
He pulls back and asks, "Take this upstairs?"
You nod. He picks you up as he stands up. You giggle and wraps your legs around his waist and your arms around his neck. You leave soft kisses on his chest as he carries you upstairs.
Drew asks, "Which room?"
You look behind you and say, "The door at the end of the hallway. That's my room."
He walks quickly to your room before he walks in, quickly but carefully dropping you on the bed. You sit up and start to undo his belt and the button on his jeans before you pull the jeans down.
Drew is straining against his boxer shorts. You look up at him with your eyes before you trace his erect member over the thin piece of fabric.
You hook your fingers in the waistband of his boxers before slowly pulling the fabric down. You watch as his member pops out of the boxers, slapping up against his stomach. Your eyes widen as you wonder how you're going to take all of Drew.
Drew runs his fingers through your hair as he stands in front of you. You glance up at him before you take him in your hand. You lick his tip before starting to take him in your mouth.
Slowly, you bob your head up and down, going a little deeper every time you go down. Your hands are on his thighs and groans escape his lips as you start to suck.
His fingers run through your hair as he begins to thrust into your mouth slowly. You groan softly as he hits the back of your throat. Your nails dig into the skin on his thighs as you move your head.
After a few minutes of this, Drew pulls himself out of your mouth. He leans down and presses a kiss to your saliva covered lips. It was a messy job that made saliva drip down your chin and cover your lips.
He pushes you onto your back and gets on his knees at the foot of your bed. Drew hooks his fingers into the waistband of your pajama pants and panties before he pulls them off of you. You throw your legs over his shoulders as he kisses your thighs, moving closer and closer to your soaked folds.
You hold onto the blankets on your bed as Drew kisses your wet core. You sigh softly and arch your back off the bed.
Drew's tongue runs through your folds before he slips a finger into you. You moan softly as he pumps his finger in and out of you. He sucks on your clit and you moan louder, your hands finding their way into his long hair. You grip lightly as Drew adds a second finger.
"Drew," you moan. "Please."
He looks up at you with his eyes and asks, "Please what?"
You look down at him and say, "I need something other than your fingers. Please."
You pull lightly at his hair, wanting him on top of you. He smirks before taking his fingers out of you, making you whine slightly as you watch him step out of his jeans.
"Um," he says. "Protection."
Right. Protection. "Top drawer in the table next to the bed," you say. He nods and walks over to your bedside table. You move backward and sit up. Drew pulls a tiny shiny blue package out of the drawer, opening it up and sliding the contents on his member.
Drew crawls over to you and kisses you. You can taste yourself on his lips as he moves, laying on top of you between your legs. He positions himself outside of you and pulls back from the kiss.
He looks down at you and asks, "Do ya really want this?"
Nodding, you say, "I do. I really want this. I really want you."
After leaning down and kissing you again, he slowly slides himself into you. You moan into the kiss as he slides himself deeper into you.
Drew puts his hands on either side of your head and props himself up with his arms, breaking away from the kiss. You stare up at the Scotsman as he starts to thrust into you. You gasp and moan, gripping onto his arms and digging your nails into the skin on his arm.
His thrusts get faster and deeper into you. Your moans get louder and your back arches off the bed.
It's when he starts to slam into your g-spot you start to scream his name. Your hips chase his and your moans are loud.
"Drew!" you moan. "Don't stop, oh God. Please don't stop. Please."
You feel him start to get faster as your legs start to shake, being pulled closer and closer to your orgasm. You make a little 'O' with your mouth and Drew kisses your neck, marking it up a little bit.
Drew grunts and groans on top of you as his thrusts get harder. He continues slamming into your g-spot, making you moan louder than you have before. "God, Drew," you almost scream. "I'm close."
He mumbles against the skin on your neck, saying, "Come with me, Y/N. In three, two." Both of you release before he gets to one. You both moan out profanities and you moan Drew's name.
You lay on your back and catch your breath. That was amazing. You had no idea that Drew could do that.
A layer of sweat has formed on both of you as Drew rolls off of you, pulling off the condom and tying it off before throwing it away. You crawl under the blankets and Drew joins you.
"I never want to be alone on Christmas ever again after that," you sigh out, finally catching your breath.
Drew looks over at you and says, "Ya don't have to be. Next year, come over to my place and we can make a mess on my bed instead of you."
You giggle and press a soft kiss to Drew's lips, cuddling up to him and soon falling asleep in his arms.
#drew mcintyre imagine#drew mcintyre fluff#drew mcintyre smut#drew mcintyre x reader#wrestling imagine#wrestling fluff#wrestling smut#wwe imagine#wwe fluff#wwe smut#imagines#imagine#fluff imagine#smut imagine#nswf imagine#smut#fluff#christmas imagine#christmas fluff#christmas smut
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J Watches Arcane: Ep. 4b, Random Thoughts/Play-By-Play
Part two for the fourth episode, because I had so many thoughts in the first half that I nearly destroyed the formatting :)
Let's just get into it, yeah? It's very short, compared to 4a, but I honestly had no idea when to split it, cuz I wasn't sure if the second half would have as many Thoughts as the first half. Guess not, but that's fine! Now it's nap time :D
(23:00ish) I had heard that Jinx's hangout spot/hideout was, uh, precarious in nature... but holy shit, lassie, is that really a good idea? Literally never coming over to hang at her place. We're chilling at the park, or some random rooftop, or, like, at the enforcers HQ, because even that feels safer
(23:40) Real glad for subtitles here, folks. I know it's not super important for me to be able to hear them announce Jayce is about to do a speech, but if there's dialogue that I could theoretically be able to hear, then it should have subtitles. And it does!
(24:16) poor fluffball :( but in other news, glad that we saw Jayce's mother in the front row. I wasn't sure if that was a relationship that was going to get mended
(27: 30, "in here please, help me") Considering I spent several hours earlier today reading through a ton of horror stories, which included several cases of things mimicking human speech to lure people in... let's just say that I did not fall for this. But also the voice is distorted? I guess in an emergency, tho, people wouldn't be as likely to question it. Anyway, I am assuming that the fire is simply to lure the enforcers away from whatever Jinx (who I assume is responsible) is after (which I assume is a Hexgem). We'll find out in a few seconds, I'm sure :)
(28:15) damn, sucks when strong women are pitted against each other :/ also sucks being right about characters I love doing bad things but hey that's half of this fucking show
Also, just gonna say this while it's on my mind, Jinx's voice isn't what I expected it to be? Not in a bad way, I'm just very used to Tiny Tina/the no longer tiny version of Tina in B3, and they have similar vibes/energies at times, so in my brain I kinda always assumed that Jinx sounded similar to Ashly Burch. Honestly really liking her voice so far, tho!
(29:48) I've heard not great things about post-timeskip Jayce (like, him losing sight of priorities, not bad writing or anything), and I'm nervous to see where it goes... but I'm glad that my boy isn't jumping straight into frenching Mel while Viktor dies next door (or whatever it is I've seen memes about)
(32:10) I have seen so many gifs of Jinx vibing in her workshop and it's honestly very adorable, despite the fact that she's working on murder devices. So, ya know, guess my bad taste in women (or my taste in women with bad morals) hasn't changed
(33:08) Ah, another bit I've seen a thousand gifs of! Gun twirling gf, how I do love thee<3 also damn, Cait, take a nap. Do y'all think she rested at all after that explosion? How long did that red string conspiracy board take? Actually, nvm, she's a professional, probably did it in, like, five minutes
(34:49, "I just want you to be safe") but that's the thing, Jayce, she can't be safe (neither can just about anyone in Piltover) when there's the looming threat of war, and she's one of the only people with the brains + brawn + sheer capacity for caring to help
(35:30) please tell me I am finally going to see the love of my life again? please? mel might be the prettiest Arcane character, but (in accordance to my personal tastes) Vi is the hottest
(36:40) MY WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can't believe they made me wait until literally the last minute of this episode to see her again
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The Destiel Folder: Season 7
[Season 4; Season 5; Season 6]
This season is mostly Dean being a depressed bi who can't cope with his crush's death.
This is, in my opinion, the season where Dean actually starts realizing he might for real think of Cas as something more.
Episode 1:
Cas is basically gone, both Bobby and Sam (almost) are ready to compel to whatever he says, but Dean still tries to get him to come back. "You can turn this around. Please!" (3:13) Denial
Dean has no idea how to deal with God!Castiel, but desperate to find him, and getting emotional "I don't even know what book to hit for this." "Then figure it out!" (5:47) Anger
As we have said many times already, angels don't have a sex, Castiel is not a man, and as he states, he is "utterly indifferent to sexual orientation" (8:03), and so is Chuck, God himself, who has admitted having had both girlfriends and boyfriends.
Dean turns off the news the moment he hears a woman describe Cas as "young and sexy", while doing that jaw clentch thing of his (10:14) ... huh... [and this doesn't really matter, but after this we immediately see Dean in a purple flannel. PURPLE! Go Bi!Dean]
"He's not a guy, he's a God [...] Cas is never coming back. He's lied to us, he's used us, he's cracked your gourd like it was nothing. No more talk. We've spent enough on him." (11:09) Dean trying to jump to the 5th stage of grief. Yeah, no baby that's not how it works
Dean tries so hard to convince himself that Cas's gone so he can kill him, but can't really. "Just kill him now!" and struggles hard to hold Castiel's glare. And as soon as Death offers a second option to killing him, Dean takes it. Bargening
"Dean, look, I know you think Cas is gone." "That's because he is." (31:22) Again with trying to jump to acceptance. Not doing great, Dean. In fact, "Yeah, you know how I'm gonna deal? I'm gonna stuff my pie hole, I'm gonna drink, and I'm gonna watch some asian cartoon porn. And act like the world's about to explode, because it is." (32:17) There it is. Depression.
[Remember this: Dean has no shame in watching porn in front of his brother. Wait a few seasons and see]
Just moments earlier, Dean was all "That's not Cas, Cas is dead" and shit, and now he goes "What? You need something else?" worried-husband-mode the moment Cas asks for help (34:50). Also#MARRIED (35:16)
Bobby: "Where's Sam? It's go time." Dean: *looks back at Cas worried* (37:12)
MUST HELP HUSBAND (38:06) look at Dean's eyes!!! They're like 'It's okay, it's okay. You've got this.' "I'm sorry, Dean." Cas chose these words to be his last, thinking he was going to die. LOOK AT DEAN (38:21) ICWAW this would MEAN SOMETHING ELSE
"CAS! [...] Is he breathing? ... Maybe angels don't need to breathe." says the one who was going around saying Cas was gone for good. "He's gone, Dean." "... damn it... *tears up* Cas, you child... Why didn't you listen to me." #MARRIED (39:15) Then he goes "CAS?!" as soon as he starts breathing again. ICWAW, we would SCREAM "LOVE" in this scene
"Imma find some way to redeem myself to you *looks at Dean straight in the eyes*" "*looks at Cas up and down*... Alright, well, one thing at the time, come on. Let's get you out of here." "I mean it, Dean." *eye love-making* "... Okay." (40:30) ICWAW, oooohhh, the meanings this scene would have...
Dean's face when the Leviathans tell him Cas is dead. Again. (41:18)
Episode 2:
Dean looking at the Leviathans occupying Cas' body. The HATE (1:44)
"... okay... so he's gone. *shakes while tearing up* [...] Dumb son of a bitch..." (5:14) Here we go again... I'm fine, shut up
Dean picks up, washes, folds and keeps Cas' coat (5:23) SWEET
"You just lost one of the best friends you've ever had." this hurts me. "... I'm fine, really." (12:11)
"You asked me how I was doing? Well, not good." (38:54)
Episode 5:
Dean progressively drinks more as his nightmares get worse and he misses Cas more and more. 3 times we see him drink, only in the first 12 minutes.
Sam can tell Dean feels like shit, and bet one of those reasons is Cas "Like it or not, the stuff you don't talk about, it doesn't just go away. It builds up." (39:33) Yeah, and not only problems or grief... even love
Episode 7:
Not a destiel moment, but Dean totally got hit on by the waiter. LOL (7:30)
And again. What is it with men in this town and Dean. "We're looking for a necklace." "Romantic. *looks at Dean*" (12:17). Is it an energy reading thing or something? Can they feel the bi energy?
"The Campbell brothers. [...] They weren't actually brothers. That was a cover for their, uhm... alternative life style." (22:40) Huh... I guess calling your lover "brother" runs in the family
"Ever since Cas... I'm having a hard time trusting anybody." (40:44) ouch
Episode 9:
Dean is drunk/high on Leviathan juice, and the first thing he thinks and blabbers about, is Cas (19:48) "I don't even care anymore." Oooohh ICWAW... the possibilities for this scene
Episode 12:
Dean totally checked out that man in uniform. FIGHT ME (16:27)
Episode 13:
"You're head's not in it, man. When Cas died, you were wobbly, but now-" "Now what!!" (39:35) as soon as Sam mentions Cas' death, Dean gets snappy
Episode 17:
Dean keeps getting snappy whenever Sam mentions Cas
"OH my God the love of my life is alive!" (13:02-13:06)
Dean's face when Daphne touches Cas (13:25), and when he calls her his wife (13:41)
AND HIS FUCKING FACE TRYING NOT TO TEAR UP BECAUSE CAS DOESN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT HIM (14:16)
You mean to tell me that ICWAW this wouldn't be seen as a mini desperation moment from a man seeing his lover in this situation? Yeah, I don't think so
"What if you were some sort of... I don't know, bad guy." "I... I don't feel like a bad person." Dean's face is like "Damn right you aren't" (16:50)
"He betrayed you, this dude. He was your friend?" Dean looking at him... can't even answer the question (19:59)
Dean says Cas' betrayal is something he cant get over like everything else. And that he doesn't know why. "It doesn't matter why." "Of course it matters!" (20:25)
Dean gets visibly uneasy about Meg being so close to Cas (25:34) jealous boyfriend is jealous
Dean doesn't want Cas to remember, afraid he'll leave again (32:18)
"I've known you for years!" (32:34) poor baby. Also "You're an angel." "Uhm, I'm sorry? Is that a flirtation?" DEAN'S FACE (32:42)
Dean doesn't want Cas to be hurt by his own memories and past actions (33:00)
"You used to fight together. Bestest friends, actually." Yeah, look at that reaction. Let's see how he reacts to being called his boyfriend later on (33:09)
#MARRIED!!! I'll just leave this. No comment (33:41)
As Cas regains his memories, only 2 of the ones we see are not of Dean. And the only one we hear is the "I'm sorry, Dean." . That is what matters to Cas (and this looks like a slash video. Kudos to the editors) "I remember you... I remember everything." Yeah, no-homo save (34:35)
Not even an hour earlier, Dean was ranting about Cas betraying him, how he couldn't forget and forgive him, and now he is saying Cas did "the best you could at the time", but Cas actually feels guilt and doesn't want Dean to defend him, but Dean does anyway (36:53)
"We didn't part as friends, Dean." "*looks at Cas up and down*... So what?" "I deserved to die." the look on Dean's face (37:18)
Dean gives Cas his trench coat back. The trench coat he kept, folded and all the the truck, for weeks. And that's not even Baby. So he moved the coat, to always have it with him (37:26). I'm not crying, shut up
Also, here, have a deleted scene that breaks my heart
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Episode 20:
Let us all appreciate that one time Dean helped a lesbian flirt with a dude (24:27-25:03)
Episode 21:
Dean is devastated about Cas' mental state, that he did that to himself to save Sam. Look at his eyes in this scene (16:08). Also, Dean still resents Cas for the whole 'New God' crap, but it feels like the real reason is the fact that he left (19:18)
"Cas! Don't make me pull this car over!" "Are you angry? Why are you angry? *puppy eyes*" "... No I-I'm..." #MARRIED (27:28)
Cas says he won't fight anymore, but as soon as Dean's in trouble, he FLIPS
"The angels... they don't care... I think maybe they don't have the equipment to care." (31:49) Touchy much, Dean?, are you trying to convince yourself about that? It feels like he's making excuses to not let himself feel anything for Cas. "It seems like when they try, it just... breaks them apart." ... OK, fuck everything, ICWAW this would totally be seen as romantic angsty reference to Cas
Cas is so lost in his guilt for what he has caused. He looks like a baby, and it gets worse when it comes to Dean
"Why should we give you anything? After everything you have taken from us? The very touch of you curropts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost!" (36:50) okay damn, ICWAW all of this would seem as if they were talking about a love relationship between the two and you can't tell me otherwise
'HURT HUSBAND-MUST PROTECT MODE' (37:17)
"The bone of a righteous mortal and the blood of a fallen angel" ... shut up, I'm dying over these clues (39:11)
"What are you gonna do, Cas?" Dean's eyes are begging him to stay. ICWAW, we would point that out without a shadow of a doubt (39:40)
Episode 23:
"Dude... on my car. He showed up naked... covered in bees!" ... come on, ICWAW this would be a HUGE deal (5:10)
"Go ask him. He was your boyfriend first." (8:51) LISTEN HERE. I study psychology, and one of the first things they teach you is that jokes are based on the truth. HOW MANY OF THESE JOKES WERE MADE?! HUH??!! (plus all the "Dick" jokes Sam made) Also Dean's reaction with the jaw clentch... just saying
Cas keeps stating he doesn't want to fight, but again, Dean's in trouble? FIGHT MODE
"*soft shoulder touch, puppy eyes, serves Dean a sandwich*" ... SOFT #MARRIED COUPLE (18:27)
"You got anything to say on the topic of dicks?" you'd like that, wouldn't you, Dean? (26:42)
Cas is afraid he will do something to cause Dean more trouble. Let's remember he chose what he believed were his last words to be "I'm sorry, Dean.", but as we know, Dean deals with feelings by showing anger... Cas gets upset and copes by playing twister... pathetic. "I can't help. [...] I destroyed everything and I will destroy everything again!" for a moment, Cas is lucid, and expresses his fear, but as soon as Dean gets angry with him, Cas gows back to hide in his world of crazy (26:47)
"I'm not good luck, Dean." "... You know what? [...] I'd rather have you. Cursed or not." Look at Cas' soft little smile as it grows. ICWAW, this would be read as another confession (32:38)
"I'll go with you." SOFT
SEE??! The MOMENT Dick threatens Dean, Cas goes full Angel of the Lord on his ass. MUST PROTECT HUSBAND (36:52) and the utter shock on Dean's face is priceless
And here comes PurGAYtory
[Season 8>>]
#the destiel folder#icwaw#if castiel were a woman#destiel#dean winchester#castiel#dean x castiel#casdean#deancas#supernatural#spn#jensen ackles#misha collins#supernatural spn#supernatural rewatch#spn rewatch#rewatch#supernatural family#spn family#supernatural series#supernatural 15 years#otp#destiel moments#destiel season 7#my ship#destiel should be canon#timestamp#time stamp#spn season 7
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