#i think i can do that. it will just..take time. idk how to learn that skajfbsdjkbs
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Pt. 2
TW: angst/comfort, reader cries a little and is mentioned to have been in therapy
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The silence was agonizing. The air felt drowning and heavy. It didn’t help that no one could look at each other.
Soap and you have migrated to the couch after realizing that the conversation probably should be had while sitting.
How are any of you meant to address any of this?
Each of you knew just enough to fill in the blanks, but how is-
“So…” Johnny broke the silence and your train of thought. “How do you all know each other?”
“Really, Soap? That’s how you want to start this?” Gaz remarked, letting his grievance show.
“Aye! How else ye expect this to go?! How ye think I feel knowin’ ye’ve shagged my lass?”
“Jesus Christ…” you groan as you hide behind your hands.
“Not everyone-“ Simon murmured leaning back in with his arms crossed.
“Simon!” You exclaim, revealing your warmed cheeks to everyone.
“Well with the way ye look at ‘er I would’ve guessed otherwise-“
“Okay- no, that’s it-“ you stand in front of them all, pointing as you addressed each. “You- Simon, are meant to be dead, I went to your funeral. Fucks sake, I visit those graves everytime I drive past them!”
Simon couldn’t stand to defend himself, because he knew that already. He’d seen you talking to his and his family’s graves every now and then when he went to see them himself. It had torn him apart to not reveal he was alive, but he’d convinced himself it was for your sake. Even if that meant you’d shed more tears.
“You pushed me away for months before ultimately saying that you needed to move for work, that you couldn’t be with me anymore-“ your eyes still held the hurt from long ago as you gazed at Kyle.
“It wasn’t a complete lie…” Kyle scratched at his head, his poor attempt to redeem himself falling flat.
“Shut it, Garrick. You-“ your finger landed on Price, “Why didn’t you tell me you were in town? I assume you’ve been back for a while, so why didn’t you say anything?”
John knew he had no excuse, so he didn’t attempt to deny his reasoning. “Though’ ye might’ve been with yer other man…”
A hefty exhale escapes you as you hold back from saying more. You could slap him, because how, after all this time, does he not see himself as enough? Instead, your gaze landed on Johnny.
“And you, Johnny, you didn’t really do anything, but still, this could’ve never happened if you or John just told me who else was on the team.”
“Or told us who ye were dating.” Kyle muttering was directed to Johnny, but it earned side eye from you.
“Moral of the story,” you continued, “all of you have been keeping things from me. And now we’re here… and I don’t know what to do or say…” your voice broke a little from the festering emotions. Everyone was quick to their feet to comfort you, John worming his way to the front.
“Aye, lass, there’s no need to cry. We just need to talk this out.” John’s hands cupped your cheeks as the tears threatened to spill. “Maybe we should take a break, take a breather. Later, we can talk one on one with you and each other.”
You nod as you try to calm yourself, doing the short breathing exercises you learned from therapy.
John placed a soft kiss to your forehead before being pushed aside by Johnny. His arms quickly envelop you and he kisses your temple.
“Common lass, let’s get ye out of here for a bit…” Johnny whispered and pulled you into the bedroom, leaving the other men standing in a circle, stuck their own thoughts…
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Idk what to call this series so feel free to leave some suggestions!
Also didn’t want to make this series too angsty, but reader is definitely gonna need some one-on-one time with each of the boys…
#141 x reader#141 x you#price x reader#john price x reader#john price x you#johnny mctavish x reader#johnny soap mctavish x reader#soap x reader#kyle gaz x reader#kyle gaz x you#simon riley x reader#simon riley x you#john soap mactavish#john price#kyle gaz garrick#simon ghost riley#task force x reader#task force 141#poly 141#poly 141 x reader
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Reply to @ 748650924689555456/real-talk-but-i-hope-i-dont-ever-cross-the-line
First of all, it was nearly impossible for me to read this essay. You’ve gotta start breaking up more of your ridiculously long paragraphs.
Anyway, this is such an elitist take, which why in the WORLD are we making kinning elitist in the first place? Congratulations on not having that problem or not kinning from every media you consume, do you want like… a medal for that? Some praise? I mean seriously, want do you get from shitting on people who DO kin from everything they consume? Gods forbid they watch, read, play something and see themself in it. I’m not saying it doesn’t become a problem at times, because it definitely can from what I’ve seen, but for serious, what do you think your borderline villain monologue is going to do in this situation beyond making people feel like shit? What’s the point of popping in here, writing all of this ON ANON, and acting like it’s so cool of you?
The people you’re ranting about probably already know it’s a problem and are trying to work on that, or, if they aren’t, have made some peace with it because gods forbid someone finds something that briefly helps them when the world is quite literally falling apart around us. Having a little escapism or a little something to focus on beyond the world being shit is good for people, believe it or not. Makes people happy to find themself in media they consume, little pieces of themself that make them feel better to learn about. Fuck, some people are uncomfortable with exploring parts of themselves without the barrier of kin for trauma reasons, isn’t it a good thing they find multiple parts of themself all over the place?
Anyway. It’s so cool that you kin in the specific way that you do, but the majority of people don’t. Fuck, tons of people don’t even kin spirituality. Regardless of that, who cares if they have an “identity crisis” or split? That doesn’t concern you and frankly, acting like it does and you’re going to make a documentary on the people who probably have life rough enough already is so shitty. This entire ask is so shitty lmfao!!!!
There are tons of problems in fandom spaces that are encouraged by people who kin, I won’t lie, but kinning a ton or pairing two white guys who have “no chemistry” or whatever else you said is REALLY not the issues to focus on. Let’s talk about white people who use names from closed cultures. Or how fandom spaces promote misogyny? How about we focus on something that has real, genuine meaning and doesn’t make people feel terrible for no reason beyond YOU don’t like something?
All your “exposure” is going to do is get people who use kinning as a method of escapism from already horrible lives targeted and harassed more and more by nonkin. I just don’t see the point in this ask beyond “I’m better than you and everyone will see how weird and hollow you guys are 🫶🏻🫶🏻” like idk anon??? Touch grass or something lmfao
Sorry if this is mean mpc, I’m trying not to be, but still get the point across.
x
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Can you make some sad libby headcanons? I swear all your other sad headcanons made me cry😭
sad libby head canons
YES! libby is literally the fucking best and she's so underrated. trigger warning for self-harm, suicidal thoughts/attempts, eating disorders, and sexual assault. hope you like them <3.
she used to apologize to her mother after she would hit her (in tig she says her mother used to hit her when she was stressed)
she's been self-harming since she was like 12. she used the blade in her pencil sharpener and cut the tops of her thighs (you can't see them even when she wears shorts)
drake convinced her that him SAing her was out of love, and that he knew she 'wanted' it so she should stop complaining. she'd be the one who ended up apologizing to him after he'd assault her
in high school, because of how tough things were at home, she used to do drugs (she had this really bad group of friends that sort of influenced her) (she didn't get addicted to the drugs though, if was more of a once in a while thing when she couldn't handle her life anymore)
at some point, her mom was doing really badly financially, and they were forced to move into a smaller one bedroom apartment. libby thought her mom deserved the bed bc she worked so hard so she slept on the floor.
she's so used to people hitting her that it doesn't even hurt anymore. when someone does, she sort of dissociates in order to not feel anything.
her mom used to tell her she was overweight (she was literally underweight, her mom was just jealous). libby then developed an eating disorder (bulimia)
the ED was sort of an on and off thing for her. every once in a while, she'd get the idea in her head that she was overweight and ugly and should do smth about it, but, then, avery or one of her friends would help her get better.
the reason she's drawn to men like drake is bc it's the only thing she's familiar with. her mom was a piece of shit too, so for her its what's normal/what she deserves (this is less of a head canon and more psychology but eh)
she'll do anything anyone asks of her. she can't say no even if it makes her uncomfortable/she doesn't have the time/doesn't like that person.
she sometimes gets so mad at the world that she punches walls until her bones almost break.
she hates getting mad at people bc she reminds herself of her mother.
she's terrified of becoming a mother (even though she wants to be one) bc she's convinced herself that she'll be like her mom, if not worse.
her mom used to get mad at her for ricky (her father) leaving. so much so that libby started blaming herself for it
drake used to tell libby that if she didn't let him have his way with her, he'd hurt avery. libby, of course, didn't want that so she would let him do awful things to her.
she hates taking baths bc drake used to waterboard her (if you don't know what that is, search it up)
when libby used to do things her mom didn't approve of/like (mistakes all children make and learn from like spilling a glass of milk), she would deny libby basic needs like food, water, a bed to sleep in etc.
idk if this one will make sense (it makes sense to me but idk), but libby dyes her hair a new color very often bc its a way for her to start anew. like lets say she breaks up with drake again and she hates herself for getting back together with him in the first place, she dyes her hair a new color to signify the beginning of a new era.
she will literally break her back to please people/be the person they want her to be. if they think she talks to much, she'll stop talking, etc (people's opinions of her matter a lot to her)
tw prob one of the darkest hcs i've ever written: libby ended up in the hospital once bc she slit her wrists trying to off herself. this happened right before she took avery in. the doctors didn't think she'd make it.
she'd considered offing herself multiple times before and after the last hc, but she doesn't bc just the thought of it makes her feel guilty. she doesn't want people to cry over her bc she thinks she doesn't deserve their tears, and she doesn't want to leave people she wants to help
she insists everyone get therapy but herself bc, to her, other people matter more
the only thing that brought her comfort as a child was this stuffed bunny. she used to press it to her wounds bc it would dull the pain (this might not make sense but whenever i get hurt (cause im ass clumsy bitch), putting pressure on the wound dulls the pain). she also found comfort in how soft it was.
drake threw that bunny away cause he thought it was worthless. libby told nash about this and he searched the entire fucking country until he found that damn stuffed bunny (idk how he did but he's a hawthorne so...)
when she has panic attacks, she'll either be very silent/still in a corner or she'll be clawing/pulling at anything around her (including herself)
she didn't do well in school not bc she wasn't smart but bc the students and teachers were so creepy towards her (would harass her constantly) that she felt uncomfortable even stepping into the school
absolutely hates it when drunk people interact with her/get too close to her bc whenever drake got drunk, he'd hit her
hannah's death hit her hard too. they were actually much closer than people thought they were. hannah helped her through a lot of shitty things that happened in her life. she would visit her grave every once in a while to tell her she wished she was still here bc her life (and avery's) was absolutely shit without her. she would breakdown in the middle of the graveyard every time
whenever she felt like hurting herself but didn't have a blade nearby, she would dig her fingernails into the already existing wounds to make them bleed again.
drake once beat her up so bad she ended up in the hospital with brain swelling and a fractured arm. the swelling in her brain was so bad they didn't know if she'd make it out alive.
here's a happy libby head canon to (hopefully) make it all better:
she used to be this supervisor at a daycare when she was younger (that's probably not even a thing but lets pretend it is). the kid would make her drawings all of the time with hearts and proposals and stuff. she loved the kids so much, she would hug every single one of them and bake them cupcakes. they were literally her best friends, and some of them still send her messages through their mom/dad (she would befriend their parents and give them her number/email)
not proof read bc i'm a lazy ass bitch. i say this in every post, but pls talk to someone if you need help (if there's no one in your life you can talk to, contact a helpline). sending lots of love to everyone <3.
#the inheritance games#jameson hawthorne#grayson hawthorne#avery grambs#nash hawthorne#xander hawthorne#libby grambs
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…no but going on about the rant…that is just a very interesting perspective and hot contrast coming from spencer. LIKE him being such a sucker for love, for reader but at the same time, being so confident in his knowledge on s*x. ouf, the hicky or the vibrator thing using it in front of him…i hope we can get a one-shot or anything…
just to let you know…
just.
but still, i think there must be boundaries for all the affection he gives to reader? i mean, i believe it can get overwhelming for reader at some point. (i feel like this sounds so weird but i hope you can get me) s*x is already a very overwhelming activity in itself with all of the emotions & changes going on in one’s body. i wonder how they discuss or handle this?
the way i’m so invested into your rantings and ramblings….
i definitely get you!!! i do at some point want to write something where either reader does get genuinely overwhelmed during sex or something and they have to stop cause he would sooo take care of her like it would just be really sweet and i think going along with the whole him “teaching” her thing, that would be a part of it for sure. like learning that it’s important to listen to yourself and be honest when you need to stop and stuff like that.
kinda nsfw discussions below the cut abt aftercare
i love writing aftercare😭😭 idk i know it’s random and idk if im going to do this for dybmn but ur right like i think sometimes sex IS rlly overwhelming especially the first time and it does feel weird and does weird things to you and i have this vague idea of her being like rlly confused and overwhelmed and kinda achey and stuff afterwards cause that’s very real and having him just take care of her and be reassuring idk idk….. maybe that will go in to the final part of dybmn maybe it won’t i’m not sure
im also not sure if that’s something anyone else would be interested in or if it’s just super niche and weird and nobody wants it LOL😭 if you do pls let me know and if you don’t pls let me know
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a redraw of ‘lament for icarus’ by herbert james draper ✷
#mine#heheHEHEHE#this was a little tricky to figure out colour wise but i did it!!#orange overlay orange multiply my beloved#also made him trans bc. i can.#DONT look at the rocks too hard okay i. i was tired by that point#and the water also thats meant to be a straight line some how it is diagonal#they are going downhill its fine#owhh today we went to a stately home bc my mum got national trust membership heehe#my god that was a home. i havent been to one like it there was a huge hallway#im talking like. very large. lined w tapestries n paintings#i like. wanna learn how to oil paint low key high key. its not rlly a good time for me to learn that now but....one day#i gotta figure out portraits first hehe#i want to draw. realistic. portraits. bring my gcse art dream to life#i think i can do that. it will just..take time. idk how to learn that skajfbsdjkbs#n also need to find my way of doing it artistic language etc etc#ihg my leggies hurt. lots of walking#im going to play some hollow knight i think then go 2 bed#tomorrow is turning into a house task day it seems. maybe i will also try 2 figure out portrait hehe#i'll add id tomorrow!!
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sabito = dirtbike redneck. you cant convince me otherwise
#fratboy sabito posting#sabito#kny sabito#idk#was suddenly hit w the realization that i think him being a countryboy/redneck kinda crazy is *hot*#[head in hands knees on the floor folded in despair]#i know im southern but this wasnt supposed to happen. it wasnt supposed to be this way. what the fuck man.#sabito & giyuu keep makin me Into shit!! what the fuck!!#i wanna draw him doing wheelies and flips off dirt ramps. doughnuts. taking off his helmet n having dumb lil marks from it.#trying and failing to convince giyuu to drive a dirtbike & instead him getting on a 4wheeler#sab & makomo bullying him for being scared of dirtbikes but not the literal Twice As Big 4wheeler#idk. sabito just seems like a biker in general to me. dirtbikes just got the most 'will do bat shit insane stuff for funsies' vibe to em#all of them are a bit crazy but dirtbikes are Scary crazy. bmx bike tricks but it has a fucking MOTOR why are you doing 20ft leaps and flip#off cliffs what the fuck.#i can see sabito being a little deranged when he gets excited. normal when hes chill but as soon as he sees somethn fun all#sense goes out the window. he needs to be child harnessed to keep him from throwing himself off a wall like 'i could totally make that jump#on one hand giyuu gets life experiences and exposure to making new friends- on the other he has to stop sabito from being#the equivalent of a human lemming trying to throw itself into the hands of death at every waking moment#sabito in turn keeps giyuu from being too boring or being a scardy cat abt things. he also learns the art of 'quiet time' and 'how to Chill#honorable mention of my vague raspy voice sabito hc#kinda slight but v obvious when he raises his voice or yells#i think the sabito brainrot is actually overtaking the giyuu brainrot now. oh no#hes fictional²!! none of this shit [motions to my blog] is canon to him#thasa whole 'nother bitch!! i declare this brainrot Unfounded#wont stop me tho. 'm havin fun
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hm. i do not like chilshi 🤔
#sylph.txt#everyone likes to joke abt how much of an epic divorce man chilchuck is#but i dont think he ever even refers to her as his ex-wife. i could b wrong bc it's been a while since i read it tho#idk a lot of his arc is him learning to b more open w others (which is essentially what ended his relationship)#and u can see how much he's grown in the chapter where senshi goes into his past#to me it would b a lot sweeter for him to take on these lessons and go back to her and make things work#it's been 4 years but he's remained loyal to her depite their issues. idk to me it rlly does feel like he still loves her he's just a fool#it's made p clear that he's a coward and that he's quick to run away so actually committing to her would b a nice way to wrap things up#we don't get to see much of his wife so i get y ppl r quick to put him w the only other man in the party#but like senshi knows abt his wife too like i do not think he's gnna b making any moves here bc he has morals lmao#(*only other older man in the party. laios doesn't qualify for old man yaoi to most chilshi likers)#(even tho chilchuck isn't old either but shh they don't care abt that)#when it comes to senshi the changeling chapter def helped him w understanding how old the rest of the party is#but he clearly still views them as significantly younger than him#i don't think he views chil as a child anymore but for the majority of their time together he did#and so going from that to in a relationship is uhh rlly weird to me!#senshi has always taken a sort of parental role upon himself#w him romance is no where as interesting as the platonic bonds he has w the rest of the party#similar to how romance is entirely unimportant to izutsumi in the succubus chapter#idk i def don't hate the pairing and there r some takes on it that i find funny#but for me i just don't see anything between them i think ppl just want an m/m ship to play with#that ao3 gap is only gnna get bigger lmao
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beaming everyone on the dashh with good brain day vibes!!! i hope that you all can remember to extend self-compassion to yourself whenever you're feeling down about something 💙
#lizzy speaks#the human brain works in such profound ways i think#lately i've been thinking about that post that was like 'you will always be your oldest friend take care of yourself'#it's definitely a sentiment i agree with and i appreciate how it emphasizes the importance of extending compassion to yourself#you wouldn't say such hurtful things to your friends right? (or at least i'd hope so)#so why would you say it to yourself?#you are your own friend too. and i think everyone has a beautiful soul within themselves. nurture it! water it! feed it good thoughts.#basically i wish everyone a 'i hope that your brain is not your own enemy but rather a friend that you can find comfort in'#things will work themselves out with time. there's beauty in life and you will find small delights to cherish!! i am manifesting it for u!!#and for those who find it difficult to transition from a self-critical mindset to one that's more compassionate and nonjudgmental#i truly think that with time you will be able to rewire your brain to be kinder to yourself. i'm proud of you for taking any first steps :)#there are times in which it feels counterintuitive to go against habits that feel hard-wired... but brains are very malleable littel guys-#with such a wonderful capacity for changing and learning new things. so i hope everyone can learn to be their own best friend!#not to undermine the importance of a support network ofc. that's good too and im all for that!! but i hope everyone remembers to be kind-#not only to others but also to themselves!! you're going to do great out there!! i love you all!!#ive just been thinking about this a lot... i needed to get it out there. you all shine so brightly!!! we shall be fine!!! have a good week!#sorry if this is out of nowhere but if there's anything about me you should know it's that i'm the 'hey dont cry 8 billion people on earth-#ok?' post. idk i just find great joy in knowing others are out there thriving and finding a daily delight yknow i love humanity!!
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a bunch of people have already registered for my mentoring workshop! unfortunately this means i have to plan and host a workshop aaaaaa
#i want to think aloud through it on here at some point#but i think i am going to structure it around the theme of cultivating student autonomy#because i think one of the primary goals of mentorship is to prepare students to be self-directed learners who can set realistic goals +#evaluate their own progress + reflect on what they've learned and what they still don't know#+ take initiative without sitting around waiting for someone to tell them what to do next#so i think we will do some thinking around like#when we have a student we think of as really capable or driven what qualities and behaviors do we observe in that student#and maybe ill also share some of the research on intrinsic motivation + self-direction + locus of control#which i think is all really interesting esp in light of the contemporary College Mental Health Crisis concerns#and then we will look at a range of tools + structures + strategies that i think are useful for fostering student autonomy over time#and maybe leave them with some core principles/guiding values that i think are useful when you are trying to like#avoid jumping in and doing stuff for kids#or solving their problems for them#idk i need to think through specifics a bit more#but i feel like on this campus#people do a lot of 'workshops' that are really not interactive at all#it's just someone talking from slides#and i kind of want to show off my ability to structure more engaging workshops#but idk. gotta think about how to do it well#and how to build in lots of opportunities for like crowdsourcing strategies too
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I love Time and Time Again!! It was genuinely interesting to see two characters talk things out. Of course they kept secrets, but they knew when to reveal them and that made me want to stick around and read it. Thankyou for making such a wonderful comic!!
Thank you so much!!!
This really means a lot to me <3
I think there's generally a tendency to believe that relationships can't be nice in a romance or the story will be boring.
I understand where this idea comes from, stories should have conflict! And, real world relationships have conflict, as well. They always will! It makes sense that most stories centered around relationships would, inevitably, at some point, have disagreements, fights, anger...
I get why others enjoy it, its messy it's fun it's drama! but for me personally it just stresses me out since I've done so much work to NOT be like that!
As a writer, when presented with two people who are reasonably at odds with eachother, where neither of them is in the wrong per se, but someone still ends up hurt... it's a fun challenge to write them working through it in a believable way. it's a fun challenge, too, to put them into situations that feel equal and human.
I just think it's a necessary thing for who I am as a person to write relationships the way I do, and so I'm just very very very glad that other people resonate with it as well!
It means a lot. Thank you.
#me trying not to ramble on for paragraphs impossible challenge#asks#anon#I always love to talk about how uhhh#the perceptions we have of how relationships should be displayed#idk I dont think that theres any one way to do it#those relationships where people dont communicate and they fight all the time...#those happen. they happen all the time irl.#of course they would be reflected in fiction constantly!#but just for me personally#after YEARS and years and years of working on myself so I dont do that#I pause. think the best of my partner before jumping to conclusions.#take the moment to ask him hey#has anything been bothering you lately? things have been good but I want to be sure there's not little things I've done to hurt you#and i listen when hes telling me that yes. it did bother him when I made that joke the other day actually#and to learn to be patient#and not cry immediately#and listen#and ask instead of assuming#and always think the best thoughts first or whatever#its done me a world of good#and I dont think it is healthy for me personally as a person to write an unhealthy relationship with poor communication#because I get uhm... extremely invested in my writing...#in the way that it very much helps me learn about myself and practice habits.#cause obviously I still fail. of course I will#and I just would like to get as much practice as I can#of being better#for me and for him#and for all my friends
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What do you think Mine’s reaction to Masato / Aoki be like?
tbh they'd probably be. amicable. at the very least.
#snap chats#like they have similar values its just that mine's more openly depressed about his belief system and doesn't take pride in it like aoki#i talked about this before omg thats so funny... but yeah no aoki's more proud of 'how the world is'. prob cause he's 'on top' of it#mine begrudges the fact he needs material goods to be useful to people#meanwhile aoki's happy to exploit others if it means he advances. for the most part anyway#he only really starts to show some regret when confronted by ichi. and get the shit kicked out of him for twenty minutes#wait i was rewatching the cutscene and started to throw up cause i got reminded of me in high school again aoki you're 42 stop this#Back On Track Though. mine and aoki had similar pursuits: attain power to be loved thats the core of it in simple terms#they went about it differently ofc: for mine money was power and for aoki popularity was power. Both Very True TBH but anyway#mine realized that even with money his person wasnt valued#and aoki realized that even with recognition people didn't value his character. sins the arakawas. fcukin dummy#i mean aokis a jackass so no wonder but thats not the point of this. fuckfest of tags#they wouldnt be friends. aoki's incapable of friendship and mine would probably quickly recognize aoki as being power hungry#i think mine's been in enough business meetings And Knows Enough About Politics to recognize Professional Fakerism when he sees it#actually do you think mine'd be swindled by any 'kindness' aoki expressed like when kanda left him and he thought he just went to get help.#that shit was wack LMAO BUT REGARDLESS idk i have to go to class soon so im not gonna spend too much time thinking of this#if they needed to they'd just use each other for whatever purpose they needed the other for. idk why mine would need aoki tho#TLDR mine probably wouldnt think too differently of aoki compared to any other power-hungry freak#we can revisit this topic when. im not learning about JP history vjERJALKJ
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...
#just an observation bc im avoiding working on stuff but i draw a lot and post basically everything i draw thst gets finished#and its v funny to me how u can tell how out of focus i was based on the quality of the drawing#or like when i post something and its like ok some of that was good but u def gave up halfway thru one of those lol#inconsistency i funny like that. its also funny to me that now a days i get comments like COLORS!!!#which is funny bc i notoriously haaaaaate coloring. like i will sit around whining and complaining when im home with my parents bc i dont#wanna color. its just so easy to fuck things up when u draw traditionally and it takes a million years so its a big ask lol#but i guess i dont hate is so much right now bc i kinda just slap whatever colors i want together like fuck it we ball#and thats kinda fun. reckless i suppose#its agony when u wanna try to do shadows and lights tho. like finding references ugh#or wanting to draw big ideas but then its like oh god its gonna take so long and if i dont do it all in one sitting i might die#im a lil better abt thst now bc it would b impossible but in my head i still hate it#ugh. all i wanna do is draw. theres another universe where i went to art school. or just like took art classes. and i wanna say id b happier#but thats def a lie XD i like learning too much and i dont have the attention span to hardcore learn genetics outside an academic#environment. and i got way too excited abt exploring the genetic traits of my cyano species#like i can make genetics trees for traits and look for. fuck. i forgot the word. how tf did i forget the word. oh god. horizontal gene#transfer. jesus christ its like theres a hole in my brain. well. i guess i did get only like 4hrs sleep. ugh im rambling.#i need to finish getting ready for Monday so i dont have to tomorrow and ill have time to draw. prob wont stop me feeling nauseous abt#teaching tho. OH FUCK. i just remembered i have a new office space now to decorate. fuck i need to hang up pictures and stuff#what would b the funniest way to put narut0 on my deskspace? idk ill have to think abt it. oh god im not ready#my head is like a handbell. one of the big ones when u ring it and it hits soft and u can feel the vibrations. someones wrung my head lol#unrelated
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i was raised to be very polite and whatever and i get it. i like to be nice to people. but the whole "good morning! how was your day" and small talk stuff is just. unnecessary. i would find talking to people much more pleasant if we could initiate conversations with cool facts or interesting topics. i want to discuss interesting things not exchange niceties that everyone lies about anyway. i mean, if someone says 'how's it going' you have to say 'good' or whatever but you can't say 'life sucks can we move on from this?' it's silly to me. what i really love is when i meet someone and they have absolutely no filter. like yessss tell me your whole life story right now i need to know. it is much more interesting than the weather (though the weather is a good subject sometimes but i may just think so bc where i live has a tendency for wild weather. when it's good it's boring but starting a conversation with 'yeah i got locked out of the buildings when they auto-locked during the windstorm and had to grab a bench bc the pressure was enough to knock me over and the locks on the doors were constantly turning on and off so i had to figure out how to open the doors when i could sneak inside so that i didn't abandon other people to the brutal winds' like. that's fine. i like that but normal weather talk is boring)
#idk small talk is just boring imo#obviously i try to make it more interesting but people won't take that initiative and never expect it when i do it#i have a hard time reading people and understanding their motivations#it's probably one of the reasons i wanted to go into the psych field bc i want to learn how to#but when people will just straight-up tell me everything about them i'm happy bc that's much easier to understand#i get to form a whole mental file on them and fill it out#idk if i overshare i've been told that i either overshare or say absolutely nothing which makes sense#i have a tendency to switch between subdued and loud. i try to keep them separate though bc it's weird when people get to see both ends#i have to convince myself to be loud in certain places when i first go there or else i'll never talk at all#i usually get like one class a semester where i can talk and the rest are for listening#so a lot of people think i'm shy or whatever but no. you're just seeing me when i cannot speak it's not shyness#i think sign would be beneficial and i really need to get on that but no-one else knows sign :(#i've gotten off-topic but that's okay because my brain is beautiful and you all want to hear my every thought
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a minute of silence to my skills to estimate how long a project is ever going to take
#my google calendar and Carl bot (and my friends) have been kind enough to inform me today was the estimated posting date of heist au#suffice to say that is not happening#it would have been rad to make a habit out of the co-occurrence of starting a new job and starting to post a finished WIP but alas#that will not be happening for a while longer#I have no idea when will I find the time for writing between two jobs and the big bang but. we'll work something out.#but hey it's good to give your projects breathing space so your brain can do the work in the background and solve the problems for you#I'll probably need to go back and revamp the whole last chapter I've been working on#but I'm still too sick and jet lagged and sick to be thinking about that so I'll consume some more media in the meantime#and complain about how bad the fic I'm listening to is. like god it's supposed to be so romantic and cute and he's literally#depriving her bodily autonomy and her friends support him I want to leave a strongly worded comment so bad#I will not be doing that but god it's so awful I should have stopped listening to this fic long ago. so that's a lesson learned.#put the fucking fic down there's plenty of stuff that's going to be better#hot take I sure no one saw coming sometimes things that are popular are actually bad#anyway have some stream of fucking consciousness /ref to another fic I'm fighting hard to keep discontinued#I know I won't like it why is this so hard#heist au should have been posted today based on maths btw. maths I did wrong for the first time which means it should have been posted#a year ago really#not like I have the proper structure to do a heist au daily#but it would have been fun to post the first chapter on the exact day it takes place. idk just for flavour#does all this make any sense? hardly. this is a diary entry and my two braincells are firing random thoughts at each other#that's fine though. it's all fine. here have some popcorn to go with all this nonsense 🍿🍿🍿 <3#(and also all the drama in the new shadow and bone season. ugh it's so good I love Wesper SO. MUCH. or just Waylan. and Nikolai.#he's my blorbo assigned at first relevant information. relavant information: he's my friend's blorbo#but gods he's so my type it's scary. of course I'll have him as my blorbo. of course of course!#*puts him on a shelf next to Adrien Draco and Hunter*#*steps back to think before putting Waylan there too and sitting Zuko on the far end*#war crimes look so good on them :3#miaing#heist au
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cons of going to a “good schoolTM”: insane workload, unbearable classmates, next to no support when you have any kind of extenuating circumstances Including literal hospitalization, etc
pros of going to a “good schoolTM”: the 9-5 lifestyle is genuinely a major improvement
#taylor.txt#the extenuating circumstances point was not me btw. i know someone who had his degree delayed an entire year because of two weeks in psych#we’re in a co-op program or else maybe it wouldve just been one semester but. lol#i hate it here…i hate it#but hey…at least i have the world’s shittiest health insurance!#some of my classmates say they dont feel like working full-time is easier than going to school full-time but it so is#for me. anyway. even when i fumbled my time management bad on the field and make no mistake i was incredibly busy plus i chose a field#notorious for Unpaid Overtime and Taking Your Work Home. even then. it was still easier than this#i would never do undergrad again. i loved everything i learned. i took interesting and awesome classes#but i would never ever do it again. miserable overworked spent most of it friendless until i got on the field#i have a friend who keeps being like idk how you did 4 physics classes this sem and im like girl we are education students…thats an average#semester for a physics major. how must THEY feel#also i have to say just you know. generally. ive worked full-time while living with my parents#AND while living alone. and 50 hours a week was incredibly manageable in the former arrangement. i even wrote and edited an entire novel#in the beginning stages of a pandemic while working 50 hours a week of retail and fast food hell. 40 hours full-time with weekends off#while living alone though? thats hard. i still managed to go to the gym almost every day#currently? i cant get out of bed in the morning. i am putting in 12 hour days and then goinng to bed unable to sleep because im so stressed#i have dreams about school. tangentially theres a really good marxist poem i read last year about this phenomenon in workers#ANYWAY. i have just 8 more days 4 exams 1 research paper and video project#i think i can pass and then thats it. my next semester is hell but just because scheduling the actual classes will be easy#and then i get to go back on the field and actually want to wake up every day. lol#and 8 days from now i will have my christmas shopping done and my apartment will be clean and i will be a fanfic writing machine#also my friends and i booked a demolition room so im sure that will be beneficial kfldjfldndks
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a reboot etc is a good idea when it's for something where a reboot or continuation fits the kind of series the original had been and/or it's something i enjoyed and was not so attached to that the thought of it getting screwed up in a new form doesn't completely tear me apart from the inside, but gives me something nice to look forward to.
a reboot is bad when it's for literally anything i am mentally ill about. hope this helps.
#txt#ajl;sddfj i feel so hypocritical being excited for xmen 97 while being Terrified about these kinds of things that#have happened for other beloved shows#where .... i mean ok listen tss gave me so many trust issues i cannot get into ongoing shows#whole heartedly bc the trauma of an unexpected cancellation is forever haunting me#so i get into older media with the idea that i can know what to expect both in terms of runtime and story#it is safe it is nice#but when u take something that stands alone in preserved archived form like that and dig it up and zombify it#i am going to cry a little even if it does end up being good bc change is scarey#but for smth like x-men it's fine bc comic based stuff gets new iterations every couple years anyway a;jlksdkfj#continuations are quite different bc of how they fuck with an original's canon at times#whereas reboots scare me bc they change fandom landscapes and... other things depending on how it happens#but idk i think there is just a certain level of what i expect to happen mixed with how attached i am to a thing#that determines how much a reboot/continuation/etc will either terrify or excite me or both#and i feel like there is always an expectation that more = good but in reality please just leave it alone#so i can write fic in peace for the things i care enough about to write fic for#(also i do think ive learned enough that reboots/continuations are not the end of the world#where i am less terrified of them now generally even if i am tired of them#so that maybe helps)
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