#my god that was a home. i havent been to one like it there was a huge hallway
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a redraw of ‘lament for icarus’ by herbert james draper ✷
#mine#heheHEHEHE#this was a little tricky to figure out colour wise but i did it!!#orange overlay orange multiply my beloved#also made him trans bc. i can.#DONT look at the rocks too hard okay i. i was tired by that point#and the water also thats meant to be a straight line some how it is diagonal#they are going downhill its fine#owhh today we went to a stately home bc my mum got national trust membership heehe#my god that was a home. i havent been to one like it there was a huge hallway#im talking like. very large. lined w tapestries n paintings#i like. wanna learn how to oil paint low key high key. its not rlly a good time for me to learn that now but....one day#i gotta figure out portraits first hehe#i want to draw. realistic. portraits. bring my gcse art dream to life#i think i can do that. it will just..take time. idk how to learn that skajfbsdjkbs#n also need to find my way of doing it artistic language etc etc#ihg my leggies hurt. lots of walking#im going to play some hollow knight i think then go 2 bed#tomorrow is turning into a house task day it seems. maybe i will also try 2 figure out portrait hehe#i'll add id tomorrow!!
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if you would all allow me to be delusional for a moment - so i went back to staring Very Hard at the neighborhood map and. um. well. im chucking my marbles out the window! as always take all of this with a Hefty grain of salt!
i thought i saw a weird pixel in Frank's window so i zoomed in. then i took a screenshot, and fucked with the contrast/brightness settings. and uhhhhhh
UHHHHHH
FRANK??? HELLO???? HE'S IN THERE? i'm pretty sure im Not seeing things bc that is definitely a vague gray tube-outline with a yellow spot in the shape of Frank's nose. hidden in the dark. and i might be seeing things but in the pane next to his face it kinda looks like his hand is on the window? but! Frank's in there! what the fuck!
so naturally i slowly scrolled through the neighborhood Zoomed The Fuck In. obvi there's nothing in Home's eyes, and Barnaby's & Sally's single visible windows(?) are closed. I couldn't find any out-of-place pixels in Julie's or Poppy's.
but! Eddie's kinda freaked me out a little! look at this shit!
on the top left pane... are those fingerprints pressing into the glass? and in the lower left, is that a fucking Face peering out? a creepy ass face that almost looks like some sort of mask? there seems to be another Shape in the upper right... another face perhaps?
and then there's the weird window shine in the lower right (along with maybe Another face...). it almost looks like a string of letters. there isn't a single pattern/design like that anywhere else in the neighborhood. what's up with that....
oh and also, just went back to double check the post office's display window
there seems to be another face - all the way to the right in the darkness. judging by the shape of the paler (yellowish?) pixels between what must be eyes, i think that's Eddie. and i think i see ears and a hat... not sure though. this one is really tough to see but it's There
(side note: Eddie is totally fucked, isn't he? between the faces(?) and hands behind his door, Home sitting in his display, and the hyacinths by his building, the emphasis on his memory (or lack-thereof) in a project that is, in a sense, About memory... i'm concerned! and eating it tf up! hell yeah lets get funky!)
now i couldn't see any, like, concrete Faces or anything in Howdy's store. but! you can kinda see inside! observe~
in the big open window, you can kinda make out some sort of container on a counter and what might be shelves or a kind of brick pattern. and then above the 100% sign... hold on are those fuckign Eyes? lets take a look zoomed in & without the image adjustments!
yeah those uh. i think those are eyes. Wally-esque eyes peering out of the darkness. though they also mildly remind me of eyespots on insect wings. butterfly eyespots, perhaps. inch resting indeed...
WAIT I LIED!!! there DOES seem to be another string of letter-like symbols in the neighborhood, not just the post office's window shine. now it could be just a wild coincidence, but at the same time it seems kind of... purposeful. like that's not normal shading/coloring.
check out the blue window border on Howdy's Place, next to the apples. the lighter blue pixels seem Arranged. i think i see a clear N, and either an R or a P... along with some other symbols that i don't recognize as anything. the lower ones look kinda like faces? what could the top one be? is any of it anything or am i looking too hard?
in short: they're watching us watch them and there's way more to the map than initially meets the eye....
(edit: i've added a reblog w/ the images outlined! badly outlined but a clearer View of what i see nonetheless! + some notes on more little things outlining helped me notice)
#throttling my laptop WHAT DOES IT MEAN??? WHAT DOES IT MEANNNNNNN#got a little spooked there ngl....#noticing the faces(?) in eddie's gave me a lil startle. got a little chill up my spine#I LOVE IT!#im gonna be reeling over this all night....#the implications! the arising questions!! the Choices!!!#frank and eddie being the only ones with their faces in their windows (plus a couple extra)#eddie and howdy having letters/symbols(?) on their buildings#THE EYES IN HOWDY'S STORE!!!#i feel like these are important misplaced pieces of a puzzle i havent even opened yet#god and like. tiny home in eddie's window yeah but that With the eyes in howdy's store?#both buildings - both Stores! - seeming to have hidden letters on them??? WHAT DOES IT MEANNNN#of course i could be just plain insane and seeing things#but some of it.... ough i dont think i am fellas#welcome home speculation#wh speculation#homebogging#ive been meaning to Examine the updated map.... not much Changed or caught my attention but a few things did#why does barnaby have a carton of milk outside his house? something to do with the phrase 'no use crying over spilled milk'?#the flower patch behind julie's house is Oddly green.... kinda reminds me of a body dump#that plus the red thing next to the bowling ball (a ribbon? scissors? something else?) makes me Suspicious#along with a mildly delusional Theory i've had since my first good Examining Of The Map (before the update!)#but thats not what this post is about#theres just. theres interesting things in there!#thank you for reading! i need to go Think about this all....#im feeling the urge to up the contrast/brightness of Every Single Slightly Dark image on the site <3
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I don't know if you're going to answer this but, Vigilante Tiso, is this an AU of yours? If so, I'm curious about the context of this concept!
Yep! Vigilante Tiso is one of my older and blog popular AU’s for Hollow Knight (based on poll results)
Originally, it started as a joke about Tiso being in Hallownest early just to take the piss out of PK and Lurien, but slowly developed into a more complicated story about Tiso being Xero and Markoth’s son (Xero biologically and Markoth via marrying into the family) as Tiso moved to Hallownest much earlier - eventually putting his distaste for the royalty into become the cities Vigilante that continued through the Infection Outbreak and in-game events. Instead of an arrogant ant that dies in the Colosseum, he’s a hot headed ant that’s been trying to protect survivors of a dying kingdom whilst wanting a solution and is willing to die for it.
A lot of it focuses more on the character relationships as they change and are affected by the story events - particularly with a small family being torn apart as simple mortals in a gods war.
#happy screms#vigilante tiso#its certainly one of my favourite aus tbh#i just havent had the brain power to think for more things for it rn but i also do#im always open to talk about it! the steam died down for it but it still lives rent free#there’s a lot more - but that would be a really long answer lmfao#like how tiso basically becomes vessel dad out of outrage over how the vessels even came to be and treated#tiso whilst still being arrogant and hot headed - is a lot more mellowed out from both heavy trauma and how well xero and markoth did-#-raising him. also the two dont die but aren’t present still for after Infection things until after ETV ending#sometimes i might also doodle for offshoot aus for fun. mostly Pantheon!VT (which is just tiso joining ghost in the pantheons to personally-#-fight the god that tore his happy home apart. its personal)#if the tag length wasn’t obvious enough - i still think very hard about this au because im personally happy with how i’ve written the-#-relationships. hell i’ve been meaning to add something to lurien and tiso’s dynamic :)#basically uh - recommend looking through the tag or asking if anything has changed since it has been years and obviously my thoughts on-#-some things will change
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im GOING to write today ........ i WILL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#the sky speaks#i havent used twitter in so long and lemme say i missed using tumblr like twitter. just putting my long rambly notes into a single post#anyways onto the rambling#i havent been writing or drawing like at alllll#too busy#also was so sick#but now that i have my new job and i know what my schedule is gonna sorta look like#3 days at joann 2 days cleaning w mom and 2 days nothin#PLUS i dont have to spend money on therapy til after the new year now#and mom is coming home and she seems rly optimistic abt sobriety#im feeling like i can finally create again !!!!#i have 2 creative presents i need to do before christmas#but aside that and 1 prompt still in my inbox (that i rly wanna do anyways) everything else i wanna do is all for Me :)#im kinda put out bc a lot of stuff i wanted to do this fall got shelved.. i wanted to make bday art of kirishima xinyan and kazuha.#i wanted to open comms. but im way too rusty w art rn to be confident doing that. maybe after new years?#god i wanted to come out to my parents properly. the day my mom went to rehab was national coming out day.#it was also one of my last therapy sessions. i came out to her instead#i still managed to do stuff tho. started my new job and got together with friends TWICE !! and i've kept up w doing my moms job alone#idk where im going w this anymore ive lost steam. but yeah. i wanna write today! idk what yet. i hav so many wips i could work on..
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2005 British Grand Prix - Juan Pablo Montoya, Fernando Alonso + Kimi Räikkönen(my personal post-race highlights)
+ Bonus Jenson Button
#me at this race: 'go girl give us nothing!'#sry it just wasnt very exciting and yes ik there is important context but still! no champagne! how was this more boring than the US podium#but gotta respect kimi for still taking a swig despite champagne spraying not being permitted#also sry ik that last gif of nando is super random i just think it is very cute when they drop the bottles down to their teams#okay i think everyone def cursed jenson into not getting a podium by constantly talking about how cool it'd be if he won his home race#but heyyyyyy p2 on the starting grid so thats sick and im glad they showed him post-race#also i will never get over how good the 2005 bar honda racing suit looks like MY GOD ITS PEAK#(ugh ik its reasonable since im back in school but im still kinda disappointed i havent been able to keep up with my prior race a day plan)#(went from 9 races in one wk to barely 3 races across 2 wks wow my range is incredible!! *crying inside*)#juan pablo montoya#fernando alonso#kimi raikkonen#jenson button#we do a little bit of f1#2005 british gp#(2005: 11/19 races watched)#formula 1#f1
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Having a totally normal one* after waking from a dream where I just relive life with my ex. It was so normal and fine and we did things such as lay around in bed and make plans for the day, go to the Korean supermarket on the corner, go to a friend's house together.
#*if it were in the evening i would be drinking enough to finally drink dial and just fucking ASK all the questions i am making up answers to#what did you want? what do you want now?? honestly could you find it in your heart to hate me and never wanna see me again?#because me saying 'i don't think we should talk for a while' and you saying 'id really like to be friends' are obviously Not It#omg im going to spend my birthday alone for the first time....nearly ever and im just going to go to work and be miserable#i havent been able to stop chewing on the idea of me visiting when i head down to see the fam for christmases#i want him to want me back sooooo bad!!!!#i still think about that dream where i made him pasta#would i take him back? depends on what he said#as much as im pathetic im not an idiot and id need clear evidence to show that he 1. knows what he wants (involving me) and#2. is going to ask for it#because i don't think i ever heard him say a single thing about what he wanted for our future#never said 'hey i want to see you when are you free for me to come up?'#is probably fucking dating now anyway and doesnt WANT me to remember him on new years (our best guess anniversary)#or ask to call because i want to ask questions that will be hard to answer#when all ive ever wanted is the TRUTH#not the strategic answer just the gods honest truth#and i suspect that is 'i dont want to date you i havent for a while i didnt know how to stop or what i wanted instead'#and then i could go home break every object in ny house and move on#try a dating app ot something else to attempt to look forward instead of back#so as you can see -totally normal one
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bagged a trial shift at a new pub just for my manager to immediately put on facebook if anyone wants an extra shift on wednesday. he knows what im doing
#he said GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE RN#lmfaoooo the notif came through literally as i put the phone down i was like 😳😳😳#like that 'CONNOR' tiktok audio like no king im not doing anythinggg haha wdym#anyway im a bit annoyed that the first place to get back to me from my applications was this one#bc im pretty sure their pay is still minimum wage and also my cousin worked a trial shift there once#and not only did they not pay him but they also never called him back or even emailed to politely turn him down#literally just used him for free labour and that was that#word of warning from a very tired waitress if ur thinking about starting: always take trial shifts with a pinch of salt#if the trial shift is longer than 2 hours they really really should be paying you and if they dont the odds are you got mugged off#also the woman on the phone after i said i worked at the place i currently work at was like 'and do you still work there?' SHE KNOWS#and when i said yes she was like 'would you be willing to leave?' HOW CAN I BE TWO-TIMING BOTH OF YOU RN#LYING TO ONE JOB ABOUT SEEKING ANOTHER JOB LYING TO THE NEW JOB ABOUT LEAVING THE OLD ONE COME ON NOW#IM NOT BUILT FOR THESE LAYERS#but yeah summary here is i have a shift at my actual place on wednesday (thank god i havent had work in over a fucking WEEK)#and i have a trial shift at a new place where i'll most likely be offered a job. life is picking up#ALSO i have enough money to change my america flights bc basically something came up with that and i need to change my return flight#and i was originally rlly worried bc the change cost was £161 and that piled onto my current no-shifts stress was Not Fun#but ive been working a lot for my mum and i got paid for the shifts i HAVE done and it all kinda fell together anyway#the way everything is sorting itself today within the same HOUR yet ive been stressing about these things for days now#hella goes home#hella slaves to capitalism
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whats tough about like. Having Chemistry and spending time with someone at the start of the spring semester is that valentines day is coming up and its like a make or break point with what you may or may not Be and you have to question what direction things are headed in and its a pressure just Not present in the fall semester idk. idk
#we uhhhh. kinda hit a bump in the road ...... idk.#hes. been very gentle and kind and understanding about where im coming from and so we havent talked in a couple days but just ....#god ok fuck it. we were hanging out saturday night and at some point we were going somewhere where parking sucked so i just suggested we go#in his car rather than separate bc finding parking for ONE car is a Struggle. anyways so afterwards we went back to where i parked my car#and i hahahhaaaaa was NOT leaving. it was just past midnight and so we were just hanging in his car talking for abt an hour#in there at some point i told him about that last crush and how it dragged on and he was like jesus CHRIST sia thats a lot#i was reclined in my seat and shutting my eyes listening to the music and i caught him looking at me a couple times andddddd uh#yeah basically i ended up in his lap and then we were kissing and touching and grinding for like the next hour and a half#and he asked if i wanted to go back to my place and i was like uhhhhhhhhhhhh not now so we stayed in there and just made out & talked more#and then he TOLD me. basically hes in a similar situation i was in this time last year. like a girl he liked and was talking to actually#has a bf. hes sorta in limbo and she still talks to bim and is stringing him along and playing off his hopes theyll get together for.#entertainment ig. everyone at this school is fantastic btw. jesus fucking christ.#so yeah he told me bc he said he didnt wanna hurt me or end up fucking me over and that i deserved full honesty and didnt want to get my#hopes up. which i REALLY appreciate. we talked for 8 days he got carried away once and immediately owned up. i do appreciate that#so like. he said that we can just be friends with or without benefits and i said id think about it. then at like 3 am we went home and he#check in with me to make sure i was alright since he could tell i had a LOT on my mind. i said id call him the next day and so we talked#and basically i explained the reason for my apprehensions and why i said no to hooking up (csa) and he was really understanding#and then like. i just asked him more about what was going through his head the night before & he described it as a heat of the moment thing#(which i agree it was) and like. he was genuinely concerned about me tho. idk#i told him that after i got home i had to shower for an hour scrubbyat every place he touched me and that im tired of feeling used#and he really heard me out and listened. he also asked if he hurt me and i said no but it def could have gotten to that point and i#and so he said 'im sorry for making your life at all hafrder to deal with' and i REALLY really#appreciate him being as honest as he was. so i said its cool we can be friends but i just need some space rn & he once again was really#understanding & said 'for as long as you need. just let me know whenever youre ready to just be friends again & if you need me to stay sway#from [xyz places we hung out] just let me know and if you need anything for class just feel free to reach out'#and. GOD i appreciate him. so that convo closed out on good terms. i was worried id need WEEKS but it rlly was just a few hours after that#i was ok again. traumas all about narratives and before that convo all i could see was another instance i was usee but like.#after actually talking it out all the fear around it dissipated and i can just see it for what it was: 2 friends who got carried away#but i really REALLY appreciate how hes handled this and we're both single & attracted to each other and so the question im thinking now is:#crushposting
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now that ive experienced spending time with other people, its so much harder to be alone.... god i really didnt want this to happen. god, yea. the loneliness really isnt tolerable when i know what its like to have company
#HHHH SO tomorrow is our final and bc my grades dont matter. and tmrw will be the last coear day in taipei before i go home i plan to go#to yangmingshan to see the calla lily festival bc i havent been. so I'd skip class but no one can skip with me bc they need to test well#and like. I'd be p much alone if i went to class bc its a test day. and legit all we'd do is test. bc its our final#but im like :((( but what if i miss out :((( LIKE WHAT. ON WHAT COULD U POSSIBLY MISS OUT ON#YOU HAVE FRIDAY... but like. its rlly hitting me that friday is like. my last day with most of my classmates. and im gonna be travelling#alone for the rest of my time here. and i... i shouldve made connections sooner. im such a fool#i know i can ask my classmates to have dinner with ne one last night before i leave bc I'll have time on the 28th. but. But...#HHHHH im really going home.. god thats weird#god.... anyways. it will be fine. the nature is worth it. i know ill go and forget all my worries anyways
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.
#tonight or tomorrow morning actually is the 4 year anniversary of my dog dying and like surprise surprise lol im still not over it like.#i honest to god dont think i ever will. i honestly dont know how people move on and get other pets and just. keep on living like i#understand it like for some people it's part of the healing process but i just could never do it. like i just cant even fathom#i dont know that's not the point. the point is im having such a hard time because everytime i do anything tonight i keep thinking#4 years ago i still had my dog or 4 years ago in 5 hours i didnt know id be going to the vet at 1am and going home without my dog at 5am#and i just keep reliving it no matter how hard i try to not. and on one hand i want it hurt like i want to remember it just to punish myself#i just i just cant move on like it's just. i went 24 years of my life without ever experiencing death and then 4 years ago today my dog dies#in the most tragic possible way ever and then 11 months later my other dog who i had for 17 years since i was 8 dies and yeah still#not over that one either because i never let myself process that or truly grieve her because i had to shut that up real tight#or i would have lost it for real. and i have the most fucked up miserable tragic dreams about her so many nights a week#because she was old and had been u know. like old dogs do they just decline and that was impossibly hard to watch but at least i kind of#knew it was coming u know but like with my other dog. there was just absolutely no warning it was so sudden and it just ripped me apart and#i honest to god will never be okay again and then 6 months after all that i find out my ex died and only because after 6 years i finally#Finally decide to have the guts to talk to him again and apologize and explain and try to be friends and then nope he's dead#then in between all those deaths a super close family friend died and my grandpa my dad's dad died and like it's just#i had never even experienced death before and then all of a sudden i was engulfed in it and i just dont know how to come back from it.#but tonight is just. painful. like i havent even said his name out loud since it happened. i cant talk about him at all just writing this i#want to cry like it just fucking hurts forever. and it should i guess.#and i feel so stupid because so many times i wonder if my cat even remembers them and i wonder if she misses them too and idk#that makes me feel stupid and emotional and im just a wreck but i should be.
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The sads
#vibes#astronaut#art process#space#art#process video#spacesuit#ink#traditional art#just learned my childhood best friends dad passed away like... half a year ago#this friend and i honestly havent been super close or friendly for years since shits hit the fans and we grew apart#but im still thrown and gutted#i feel selfish but this man was a part of my childhood that i treasured#i for real have all the patience for however people grieve and handle their affairs idc#but i have this like desperate need to message her which i wont do other than some condolences becayse god knows ive been toxic enough#blowing up her phone in the past when she didnt wanna hang out#what a complicated web of pain this has crashed into#it really reminded me how i stopped being welcome in that home too#and how guilty and obligated i feel to people who dont really want me around one way or another#i called my mom and visited even though shes really transphobic and keeps trying to convert me#i just wanted to appreciate that shes alive
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i love (mental illness) why do i randomly go completely fucking delusional ????? i swear from my point of view i make complete sense but the people i talk to just get very confused n concerned ?//1/11/
ok girl! anyway anyone else ever only able to express their feelings through acts of extreme violence n destruction either inflicted on others or themselves. why do i express love through literal downright abuse n mutilation. ohhh i love him so much i want to gut him n feel all his warm organs in my arms ^^ < babe that is NOT normal behaviour
#aughhghhhh#one day ill post normally again i swear.#i used to be an artist ... goddamn#theyre not even giving me any medication for my bpd like besties u saw my leg ^^ im gonna completely carve up the rest of my limbs again-#in time. like ermmm ok. ^^ cool. keep delaying that mental health report#im still not allowed back in my college campus from when i climbed their roof n broke their window n stole knives#n im expected to finish all my course content in 11 weeks or ill completely fail!#with nothing for the 3 assignments ive already submitted that have been graded. killing myself#theres literally nothing 2 help me im broken forever actually. theres nothing anyone can offer that would help its so sad. like babygirl i#wanna live actually!#i have a future i want for myself (literally just being able to make it n have a stable home somewhere)#n thats so impossible for me !#ud think they could at least give me more hours on my course.... i literally have a disability that means i get less time i can work on thi#things#n they literally dont . they havent given me any sort of accomidation since i started here#n this fuckin college is the best shot i have at completing a course they literally specialize in “special kids”#killing myself#god
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so a non-welcome home related ask and i'm sorry if you already answered this before, but what got you into dragons? i'm slowly stalking through your tumblr and i can't help but admire how beautifully and effortlessly you draw the scaley fuckers (/pos) ✨
i've actually never gotten this question, so this is a delight! allow me to Overshare about this
i became interested in dragons at an early age - like, kindergarten / 1st grade age. i don't remember exactly how it started, but i think it was my fascination with dinosaurs, oddly enough? i've loved those guys since some of my earliest memories. it wasn't a big leap from "giant 'lizards' from our past" to 'even bigger mythological 'lizards' from always". the Hobbit and the first Temeraire (im trying to get my hands on the full series now actually) were read to me at this young age too, and the only parts i remember are the big dragon scenes lmao
i do know the ball Really got rolling with the first How To Train Your Dragon movie, which i saw in theaters in 2nd grade. INSTANT obsession with dragons. i'll never forget how it felt to see Toothless for the first time. but in general, i couldn't get enough of em. i made my own dragon manual, i got the Dragonology books, it was the whole enchilada!
then in 5th grade, i stumbled upon the newly released Wings Of Fire: The Dragonet Prophecy book! immediately fell in love with it. and its what pushed me to start actively pursuing art! and also what pushed me into my first online space: ~Deviantart~. i saw all of the amazing art of my favorite dragons and wanted in on it. i can actually pinpoint the main person who's art i loved and found inspiration in: someone named Liighty! i don't remember their user, it's probably changed in the many years since. i loved their stuff and wanted nothing more than to be able to draw like them
long story short, i've been in love with dragons for the majority of my life. HTTYD and WOF have been my biggest inspirations and fuel to the fire, and my first delve into the internet pushed me to start drawing dragons (specifically wof) like my life depended on it. i haven't looked back since!
#and thank you <3 scribbling them does not feel effortless in the least <3 they fight me at every turn <3#and it has taken me so so long to get where i am in terms of skill. i still have a long ways to go but my fucking god#also i do not Ever mind non-welcome home asks ahaha#this blog isnt technically a WH blog! thats just my main fixation at present#eventually ill chill the fuck out and go back to primarily posting dragons / original creations#eventually....#not anytime soon given that The Update is soon and that'll just rev me the fuck up but yk yk#rambles from the bog#i should dig through all of my old sketchbooks for a trip down memory lane...#i still have my very first one. ive havent thrown a single one away#in fact i should have some of my first wof drawings somewhere round here....#i like archiving my artistic journey#but yeah! httyd dragonology and wof! my historic big three!#i actually own every single one of the wof books (except for the latest) and they have their own shelf#my original copy of the first book is still there. in a plastic bag. bc its been loved to hell and back & half of it is falling off#and its not just books lmao i have so much dragon Stuff#trinkets and plushes and pictures (oh my!)#my room is Decked Out in em#theyre just so neat...#started from the bottom and now im here (so many worldbuilding documents and endless sketch pages. and brainrot)
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work was nice
#logbook#had my coworker go 'i thought you werent coming back' 'i like working with you youre great' 'i think you should be a lead' 🥺#shes so sweet. we love her.#walked in and b4 i clocked in i immediately had one of the employees ask if i'd do signage LOL#sure thing babe. can i clock in b4 you hand them over?#my coworker will be there the next 2 days<3 so im excited lol. trying to decide what days i'll take off. havent decided.#we cleaned up a bunch and also consolidated and emptied a lot of carts.#love hearing 'we've been struggling to find things to do' while im looking at 5 tasks that glaringly need to get done 😶#anyways. im home. was a long drive back but good shift. found a shortcut to cut out 10 min in the mornings. thank god.
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the mexican urge to adopt people…
#at the landing (the queer space on campus) i met this mexican girl right#where we first went out together because she wanted to try having a cigar here so i offered to bring her to the nearby cigar shop where i#get my pipe tobacco and i went full ranchero too. transmasc and transfemme swag#but yeah so not only is she trans but i found out that she came up here from chihuahua (the north) and it sounds like it was. Very dangerous#to live there. and not only that but her family is definitely not accepting of her#and apparently she’s been here for just under a year? because her visa got delayed so she couldnt start until winter semester#and my dad. my friend couldnt make it to his bday. but it sounds like my dad just wanted to have a big party again. one we havent had since#the rest of the family had to go back down to mexico like a decade ago#so i invited my friend because i remembered how much she had said she missed mexico and :’)#she was SUPER anxious at first#kinda on her phone. and she had even texted me her hesitancy like if people were transphobic#and im like girl i am super trans too dw. if they make it a problem ill become THEIR problem (+ my fam is accepting)#and oh my god she loved the food so much because it reminded her of home. and her and my dad had a whole conversation about their nativefood#and when she realized we were singing my dad las mañanitas first. she sung the loudest 😭😭😭#i was already saying how i want her over for xmas so we can do our cracked version of posadas and make tamales#and at some point introduce her to my padrinos (which might be delayed because i forget more conservative people exist LMAO but her story is#right up my madrina’s alley) and because my madrina has two dogs and she grew up w dogs#mexican culture has a lot to do with family#and apparently she hadnt really met anyone mexican in her entire almost year here before me#so yeah. the mexican urge to adopt#personal
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#gods#im .. in trouble this semester#which sucks bc i was doing so much better last semester#i stopped going to therapy!!#which i think i knew at the time was a Problem#but my therapist suggested it and i didn't want to but i couldn't come up with a better reason than im worried ill nosedive next semester#to be fair to me while i was feeling so much better i knew i wasnt .. stable i guess?#in her defense i can't tell anyone the whole truth even if my life was on the line#and by cant i mean some combination of wont dont want to and its instinctive#but the problem is im failing one of my classes and im at least a little bit suicidal and i havent told anyone really and gods i feel lonely#(and by a little bit suicidal i mean thinking of ways to kill myself 2 days ago. im feeling better now but i don't trust it)#(by feeling better i mean im not Actively thinking of methods but it definitely crosses my mind as a Possibility)#(although i guess its a bit less i want to die and a bit more i want someone to find me before i die and help me)#so anyways this semester might be replacing 10th grade as the worst year of my life#im just.. so tired#i don't want to keep living like this#and im sucking it up and making myself do better but i Hate this#and ive got to think about summer plans bc i don't want to go back to my parents house but i also Really want to bc i can see my brother and#maybe i can see my friends(?) and maybe if i tell my parents everything that's been going on theyll take care of me?#but i Really want to stay here bc i always regret going home and bc ive gotten used to living on my own and i really like all the freedom it#gives me?? but i need to get an internship or a job or something if i want to stay here but its So Late and now that im thinking about it im#worried that ill be so isolated here that ill feel worse? but if i get a therapist here then maybe itll be okay??#i don't know#and im almost done with my junior year and i don't know what i want to do with my future and#i just never thought id get this far yknow? i honestly thought i wasnt going to make it to 18 or college and now im almost 21 and so close#to graduating?? and i don't know how to face the rest of my life#im just tired and stressed and depressed#i just want a hug and a friend that i can tell everything to#ne ways im just tired and whiny and i need to suck it up and get groceries and do my hw
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