i want him so bad but i feel like i have no real compelling reason why

ngl. unconsciously disengaging from this website has been hdjfkg kinda good for my mental health overall? like yes im still dhdjfjf left out of a lot of stuff BUT i see it less so that means my feelings don’t get as hurt lmao. functionally that’s more or less the same thing probably?

going recluse isn’t what i ever want to do (& I didn’t even do it on purpose, just got busy and had a low social battery because of it) but aside from me being overall comfortable by myself, it just kind of seems like it’s where people are content to leave me. doesn’t feel great but it is what it is.

Hey there!! I’m come here as soon as i saw that you write nd draw for Villain recruiters bc there is not enough writes of the babies,,so, i remember seeing on a post (don’t really remember if it was yours or if it was other person) a headcanon that said “Malfie has a soft spot for children” and that make me think about how would the other recruiters be with children (platonic ofc), could you write some headcanons abt it? Whatever makes you feel comfortable!

First of all, thank you so much! I'm also glad that you've enjoyed my work so far! Second, I'm not quite sure if I headcanoned that or not, BUT! It sounds too cute to not write about.

So, in honor of your ask, let's get into the cuteness!

The Villain Recruiters with Children

Apple Poison 🍎

Before his inevitable character development, Apple kept his distance from children whilst on the job.

He didn't hate children, but his aloof nature definitely gave an ominous vibe towards guests. Though his politeness and bluntness were, somehow, what drove kids to Apple.

As his icy exterior melts away, Apple begins to indulge in the children's games, silly requests, or just them asking for company.

This was made possible thanks to his crazy, vibrant coworkers who became a family. Especially Pretty Scar, who, in all her annoyance, helped train Apple to adjust to children's behavior. He's dealt with the hyena girl's shenanigans on a regular basis, dealing with normal children is a cakewalk compared to her.

Jack Heart ❤️

Oh, Jack loves these little buggers!

Entertaining the kids during the stage shows is the highlight of his day. The laughter, the cheers, the excitement! It practically fuels him with joy and the strength to keep performing.

Jack adores children! He'll play tricks and pranks to make them laugh. He doesn't mind babies either! If they start crying, he'll make goofy faces or dance to help them smile again.

Just a warning, though, chaos always follows Jack wherever he goes, being from Wonderland and all, so if he somehow ends up babysitting, know that your house will end up burning down.

Malfi (Malfie) 🪞

Malfi's not super into kids, but he enjoys their company more than Apple.

He's more than willing to show himself in all of his handsome glory off anytime for them, but he's not used to all of affection they tend to give him. They ruin his hair!

He does have a soft spot for them, though. They may ruffle his feathers from time to time, but he can't bring himself to dislike them at all.

Malfi had a difficult childhood, on account of his parents following nature's guidelines in throwing him out of the nest because they deemed him as "weak." He never had anyone to look up to, other than Maleficent, and his days before her were quite lonely.

Beauty and childhood innocence are sacred to Malfi, so if he can brighten up a kids' day with his gorgeous self, whatever happens is worth it.

Eight Foot Joe 🐙

Joe's not the biggest fan of kids, nor does he have the energy to deal with them.

Before he became more socialible, he would do everything he possibly could to get away from the kids.

If someone, particularly a little girl, is wearing an Ariel costume, Joe will scream at them to try and get them to go away. It's not the kid's fault, he just has trauma surrounding the royal family and Ursula back at home.

Eventually, Joe will realize that making a decent impression on the public is part of his job, so he'll get used to it. Again, he's very socially awkward, so interacting with anyone, let alone children, will take some getting used to.

That "I have no idea what to do" phase will fade soon enough. He'll accept children in a very "tired uncle" way.

Mr. Dalmatia 🐾

Dalma is surprisingly good with kids despite his slight prissiness.

Dalmatians themselves are a very energetic and active breed, so most kids enjoy having the dog recruiter around.

He may get scolded for running around like a dog in his human form, but no one can or really cares to stop him. By playing with the kids, he's technically still doing his job, so why bother?

On some days he will be more irritated than usual, like if the babies are too loud, his coat gets ruined, or is just having an off day, but other than that, bring them over!

Pretty Scar (Mzuri) ✨️

Children are adorable, and so is Mzuri, so of course, she loves kids to pieces!

Being a hyena and all, she's used to interacting with dozens of kids at the same time. Playtime is funtime, so long as her hair, dress, or makeup don't get ruined.

While her colleagues might find her obnoxious, she finds solace in the fact that the kids like her, so that's more than enough!

Ms. Hades 🔥

As the designated mom of the group, Ms. Hades is quite the expert at dealing with children responsibly.

She may not understand everything, given that she's spent all of her immortal life in the Underworld and heard all kinds of stories about betrayal, family murder, and massive family drama from Olympus, but upon realizing that their world is massively different than hers, she understands soon enough.

Sometimes, she'll spot children and their parents having fun and doing family things, and eventually, she gets a better understanding of human life and culture.

She becomes more friendly and hospitable towards the kids, and while she's still fairly strict with rough housing, she won't get too heated over it.

Veil 🔔

Veil was once incredibly uncomfortable towards children while she was still in France. Her childhood was full of abuse and neglect, and she found refuge in the church with the infamous Claude Frollo. All of this put together made her socially inept outside of her normal duties.

Despite that, however, working with the recruiters and talking to staff and customers has improved her social skills. She's even found that children are far easier to talk to once she grew to understand them.

Her singing voice often puts fussy babies or rambunctious youngsters to sleep, much to the parent's delight. The praise she earns for it sends her over the moon with joy.

Lady Hock (Hook) 🪝

Ah, the suave and adventurous pirate lady! A lover of the seas and of boisterous little tykes!

Similarly to Malfi, Hock wishes to protect the innocence and wonder of children. As such, she will grant the desires of any child who asks of her, whether their requests be sword fighting on the roof or singing sea shanties on stage.

Faja (Farja) 🌹

As much as Faja likes kids and their enjoyment of her magic tricks, she's still the hothead of the group. Patience is most definitely not her virtue.

Babies crying can get on her nerves real fast, and she doesn't have Ms. Hades' calm and collected nature, or Jack's funnyman persona, to help her out. But since she's around kids a lot (again, this is Disneyland), she gets more used to it. It still annoys her, though.

Faja will make the kids laugh, unintentionally, when her spells backfire, and she'll either be furious with them seemingly making fun of her for it, or she'll droop down like her flower in defeat.

But! If the spell, by some miracle, actually works and the kids applaud or demand an encore, Faja will be more than happy to oblige.

She may be more of a"spunky aunt" type than a "mom" type, but that doesn't mean she won't get all sappy when the kids say that they love or that she's their favorite out of all the recruiters. She'll just start bawling.

ok i’ll shut up just one more rant

bcs i need to vent abt this lol 😭😭

idk guys idfk i’m just absolutely fucking exhausted 

i was just watching smthing, like smthing completely unrelated, and all of a sudden everything just came back to me, like completely exactly like i was there. which like at this point i’m used to i can typically brush it off, but this was one of the times where it really stuck with me. and then after that when i was jolted back to reality (and after i actually then realized i was just alone and in my bedroom) i was super just like out of it. emotionally i felt no different or safer than before and that was all i could think just that in the moment panic and feeling like ur gasping for a way out but there isn’t one and that just makes it worse and everytime i closed my eyes that’s all i could envision and i could almost feel it it felt like i was feeling it and i was also just like hysterically whispering to myself just stop like nonstop repeatedly the entire time and like idek it was odd. and like i’m used to it it’s not like this is new so i tried i really tried to calm myself down i was sat there for so long but nothing works so i ended up relapsing again after like three days  but i just don’t know what else to do genuinely like i didn’t fucking prompt that and in the moment it never seems like it’s going to end and u really can’t predict when it is and it’s just everything and it’s horrible i never want to think abt it again it makes me want to fucking throw up and it’s so lonely idek why and it feels like i’m suffocating or not even that really it feels like i’m like inhaling water or smthing and i need to find some other way to pour ur out of me so i can breathe again

but anyways idk that’s not even really a noteable experience but also it was also so much worse this time bcs of my sensory issues being sm worse than normal today for wtvr reason and also my routine has been disrupted multiple times today so like today hasn’t even be bad itself but i’ve just been barely holding myself together anyways bcs of those things. i hate saying that though bcs like just in general i hate talking abt stuff related to autism bcs like that just affects so much of my daily life that i just don’t talk abt to the extent that if i were to mention it more casually i always feel like ppl r going to either think i’m for some reason like faking it bcs i seem ‘more autistic’ or they’re just going to think i’m just weird or smthing along those lines so i just don’t. but it gets to tiring bcs in addition to the shit that i need to deal with anyways i also need to spend effort trying to mask it and then that’s just making the issues worse which makes masking harder which makes the issues worse and i have like one and a half ppl i feel comfortable being a bit more myself around and that’s bcs one of them seems to like personally understand it and the other i do to an extent just bcs i do trust them a lot. but like how am i supposed to explain that like literally today i was going to hang out with my friends and i was excited for it but something came up where i wouldn’t be able to have a routine so then i had to just not go at all but like how do i even explain that like idek why exactly i’m like that myself or how do i explain that yea i have no clue what u just said bcs the lights r too bright so now i’ve just lost the ability to make sense of english when i can barely speak. idk guys tbh i forget where i was even going with this i’m probably just fucking complaining

i just want to feel normal though i hate feeling like this i hate being so dramatic that somehow the thing mentioned at first just randomly happens and i hate feeling so different from almost everyone and i hate feeling like i have nothing else to do and i just fucking hate myself ig

I’m a bit embarrassed to go on a rant about dsmp related things but I am oh so passionate about assigning dsmp characters as tma entities.

First of, I feel like I should clarify that there’s a difference between being an avatar of a fear, being aligned with it, and being marked by it. Like for instance Mike Crew was marked by the spiral but is a Vast avatar. Literally Mr. Sims himself is marked by ALL of the fears but you would only consider him an avatar of the eye. In addition, idk if you would consider Martin as a lonely avatar but he’s absolutely aligned with it. That being said here are dsmp characters and what fear entities go with them.

Dream: The Web avatar. I don’t feel like I need to explain that one.

Dream XD: The eye avatar. I don’t know much about the guy but isn’t he literally like god, like in the all seeing eye type way?

Wilbur: Desolation avatar. You can fight me on this and I’ll die on this hill. Wilbur’s whole shtick was that during early lmanburg days he was right at home and he belonged there. But as time went on lmanburg shifted and changed into something he didn’t recognize. He lost his lmanburg. So he didn’t care if everyone else lost their lmanburg too bc to him it was already gone. Also that and the whole explosion shit bc haha desolation avatars and their funny use of fire.

Tommy: Aligned with the Lonely, marked by the web. Mf did not spend months in exile and to DIE by dream just to say he wouldn’t be marked by the web. In addition, there’s a common theme of him being left alone by his friends like again in exile and more recently by Wilbur after he fucking left for Utah. I don’t think he’d be a lonely avatar bc it’s not like he thrives of others loneliness but more so he’s just affected by it.

Tubbo: Extinction avatar. I once again don’t think I need to explain myself just look at that man’s nuclear weapons.

Techno: The Hunt avatar. I am oh so passionate about this one bc he would absolutely NOT be the slaughter. I mean yeah idk you can argue he is but I think the hunt better fits. He doesn’t kill “just because”, he kills for reason. He only goes after people who have wronged him and has no reason to kill anyone that doesn’t deserve it.

Phil: The Vast avatar? Or maybe aligned? Little bird man haha. You can argue the end too but I feel like that’s better reserved for Kristin. Speaking of-

Kristin: The End avatar. I don’t know much about her but literally everything I’ve seen depicts her as kinda like the angel of death or a grim reaper.

Ranboo: Marked by the Spiral/web. Honestly you can argue either fear or both with this guy. I think the web fits in the sense of his fear of being controlled and the spiral with not trusting your own head. Little man is definitely not an avatar but he’s absolutely marked by it.

Quackity: The Flesh aligned. I know this doesn’t really make sense at first but lemme explain. He made an army called the Butcher Army, he ATE Schlatt’s heart, and he oh idk ATE SCHLATTS HEART???? He also tortured Dream in prison too but like, I’m sure you can argue the slaughter for him but I don’t think what he’s doing is senseless killing nor do I think it’s anything strong enough to be considered avatar material. I like to think of him as flesh aligned in the same way Martin is Lonely aligned.

Slimecicle: Flesh avatar so self explanatory. He’s just a pile of goop. Little shlimmy. Shlopping goopy gump

Bbh: Corruption avatar. The egg. I’m so right and it’s so self explanatory.

I’m tired but this is all I’m gonna write. Goodnight limeeraser nation

I really do like my new job but honestly I forgot how tiring and lonely it can be when you’re around primarily straight people all day. I’m not really used to it any more bc for a while I spent so much time alone or at least talking to/being around friends who are queer, or with my therapist who is a lesbian, or just engaging with media that’s geared towards people like me, so hearing coworkers talk about cishet romance and media when we were together is kind of jarring and esp when you know they might not really get it if you bring up the stuff you like (not that I think they would care, but I think it’d be a little awkward bc they don’t really give off any vibes that feel like they’d relate). Once I got home today I was just craving talking to friends and reading more of my book to feel more normal again.

tw suicide

remember when i decided to try to live and then like four days later i crashed and burned and went the complete opposite way and decided to accept that i will die!!! that was wack and now i’m struggling sm because yes i want to die so fucking badly i think about it all day every day and i am frustrated bc i know that i probably won’t even do it or won’t do it when i’m planning to. it’s not easy being suicidal and the worlds biggest coward like i feel so guilty and ashamed that i don’t want to get better but also yeah i really fucking dont. life is so lonely i am not interested in living it like the days are so painful (and idek in what way like idk there’s no way to describe it to make someone understand). anyways i know i’m just saying the same shit i always say but i wish i knew how to want to try to live again bc i feel like that is what i should do and what is expected but i just feel zero inspiration to live i truly feel no spark of hope or joy or curiosity. the curiosity is gone now, i know that i will always suffer this way so i don’t need to see what comes next. i know it will always come back to this and i can’t handle it. the loneliness makes it not worth bearing. like there are people that i love but they still feel far away or i just feel unimportant in their lives. i can’t stay for other people this is so hard i am so tired and alone and this suffering in silence sucks so fucking much but if i didn’t suffer in silence i would just suffer in shame. i already do that but…i just mean no one would do anything but misunderstand and blame me. i can’t be this alone anymore like i can’t live through this anymore it hurts so much all the time

i doubt anyone will read this bc either tumblr is hiding most of my posts or ppl (rightly) skip over my read more posts bc they’re a bunch of fucking bullshit

but anyway warning i get extremely fucking depressed and talk about wanting to die. i’m fine, i’m safe. nothing’s going to happen. but fucking christ, man. 

anyway on with the post--

i’m trying to figure out a productive and healthy way to express this

i want to be dead

i wish i was dead

i don’t want to be alive

i hate everything

it’s all hopeless and i don’t want to exist

i don’t necessarily feel like this all the time

i’m finding other jobs (my mom is, because i’m a pathetic useless lump who deserves to be summarily executed for the crime of ever having been born)

i’m working on my miss frizzle game (not right now, bc rn i’m struggling through a job app and fighting off the feeling of wanting to die)

i just sent an email about a possible commission of my clownsona

but ultimately

i have nothing to live for

the world is actively falling apart around me and I FUCKING KNOW i’m supposed to find something productive to do to help, something to focus on that helps the world in some way, so that i don’t feel this way

but there is nothing. there is nothing i can do. 

the joke is that i have spent every day since JANUARY 2020 doing everything in my power to keep from getting sick and to keep from dying

and my desire to not want to be alive anymore doesn’t mean that i’m going out and huffing covid patients’ breath or licking door handles in public schools

in no way shape or form do i want THOSE (plagues) to be my mode of death

i haven’t really thought that far ahead, so i guess that’s something. i’m not planning much of anything. i probably won’t. 

which is why i just. 

need to say this SOMEWHERE where people won’t freak out and report me. because i’m not going to do anything.

but i don’t think i can say anything to my therapist on friday.

and my friends (the extremely small number of them that even exist) aren’t in any headspace to deal with this.

but i just have to PUT THIS SOMEWHERE. 

i’m lonely. i have no legitimate prospects. i’m going to lose my job in two weeks even though my boss had 7 months to talk to me about any of this or warn me and she hasn’t, and she STILL hasn’t. i’m still, officially, completely in the dark about my job.

i’ve spent the majority of this year so far fighting with people at the university over this fucking lousyass job.

and now the first job i had lined up back in may stopped hiring, and they STILL aren’t hiring

and now the SECOND job i had lined up isn’t hiring anymore

and i’m having to cave to all of these fucked up questionable high stress positions that won’t pay much

i’m having to grovel on my knees, on my stomach, for any fucking job

because i have to work from home

why? because i refuse to get sick and die because of capitalism

but also that situation in and of itself makes me wish i was dead

my mom is leaving in two weeks, as well, right as i lose my job. 

for the world’s most dangerous country-long road trip for a “celebration of life” for her older sister who was chronically ill for 20 year before passing. and somehow no one sees the fucking DEADLY IRONY of holding a CELEBRATION OF LIFE in the middle of TWO UNRESOLVED UNCONTROLLED HIGHLY DEADLY HIGHLY DANGEROUS PANDEMICS

so i get to sit ALONE in the house

in absolute terror and agony and fear and heartsickness

trying to figure out a new job on my own

and just. deal with. everything. on my own.

i don’t have anyone or anything. 

what’s the point? what is the FUCKING point?

i look at myself and i hate myself with so much fucking virulent DISGUST

i’m so tired.

i’m so tired of trying and failing and being shit on or exploited or hated or disregarded

i took one voice acting/over class. that led nowhere. 

i wanted to do this INCREDIBLE shakespeare course. it’s just never going to happen. i’ve asked. 

i applied TWICE to a free workshop for people just getting into recording audiobooks. i’ve been denied BOTH times.

i tried a new job last year that went so poorly i quit in three months.

i applied to TWO editorial internships at publishing houses. i was rejected for one and the other one is w fucking PRH which is embroiled in that lawsuit right now. FUN.

i applied to a freelance editor position last year for a kids publishing house. after 6 months, they FINALLY rejected me because i “wasn’t up to their standards”. even though the application call went out on TWITTER and asked for ANYONE OF ANY LEVEL OF EXPERIENCE to apply, particularly from marginalized groups. it literally said we did NOT need to know ALL of their in-house editing rules on our editing sample test, bc we would be taught on the job. and then 6 months later they said “no, fuck you, you’re trash”

i ALMOST got a preceptor position at a university for a theater course with a GREAT professor who i really liked (based on our interactions in the interview), but then he ghosted me for 2 weeks bc his university stopped allowing out of state hires. i emailed him again recently and he said sorry, same problem. i’ll reach out if we ever solve it/can hire out of state again. 

i’m just. tired of trying. and failing. and having nothing work out. or being rejected for stupid reasons.

and then this week finding out that my superior and EIC for the journal i work for at my job thinks that i was “mean” to a fucking lousyass student who CHEATED on their paper. i called them out on it--they didn’t read ANY of their sources and demonstrated a complete lack of understanding about rape, rape culture, toxic masculinity, power, and sexual assault, and i’m just supposed to LET THAT SLIDE? i don’t care if this is supposed to be a supportive and encouraging environment--I WAS BEING ENCOURAGING AND SUPPORTIVE BY BEING HONEST WITH THE STUDENT INSTEAD OF LETTING THAT SHIT FLY. 

i’m just trash! i’m fucking trash!

no one wants to play my fucking miss frizzle game! no one wants to talk to me! or play games with me! I DON’T FUCKING MATTER!

 I TRULY JUST DON’T MATTER!

my life is fucking pathetic and empty and useless and occasionally i try to do something to fill the vacuous empty void eating me alive and i just feel WORSE. more consumption and wasteful spending to try and make ME feel better. i deserve to die.

i deserve to be dead.

i’m tired of being here. 

i don’t have any hope for anything. it’s just status quo until the majority of us go up in flames or underwater or away in winds or in a fucking shooting or a plague or a war or SOMETHING. WHO KNOWS.

i never, not once, thought that i would die young. i hoped i wouldn’t. i made it through my teenage years without any serious su/cidality. 

and now here i am. 27, almost 28. in the middle of two plagues. fascism on the rise. no hopes or prospects in my personal life. nothing to really LIVE for. 

it’s pathetic and disgusting and i wish i was dead. i wish i had anyone or anything to live for. not to put it all on them, but so that i could process this shit on my own and not feel this way.

but instead here i am. typing it all out on tumblr like some pathetic fucking loser.

i’ll probably fucking delete this, too, it’s fucking gross and embarrassing and it’s not anyone’s problem but my own. i know no one cares or has the energy/wherewithal space to care.

but in case you’re wondering why it might seem like i haven’t been reaching out or caring--

this is partly why.

the other reason is that if we mostly talk over tumblr then tumblr has cut off all of my major forms of communication with y’all. i’m being deliberately isolated even more than i already am.

this is just. pathetic. and hopeless. idk what to do with any of this. i want to break something. i want to take a sledgehammer and break things until my body falls apart. 

I don't know how much longer I will be here I am so lonely I never expected it to be this hard I dont think ill amount to much anyway, and I'm so tired of being so alone. I can't take it anymore. the very little family I have left is all I have after that I have no-one. I dont feel whole heartedly comfortable with anyone i feel genuinely close to. I fear I will never experience requited love a family or a healthy outlook on my life. I am plagued with guilt, fear, and the need to hide myself from the world and everyone surrounded in it bc of my own feelings of inasequacy. I feel disgusting all of the time and I am losing my faith in hoping thet my mindset will change to something more tolerable. I have no reason to bitch yet that's all I can bring myself to do. I want to kill myself but like a coward im afraid of pain. I dont know how much longer I can do this. I dont know how much longer ill be here. I cant do this anymore. I cant be alone anymore. I dont want to be here anymore. I wish I was never born. I want to die. im so sad im so so sad and im so alone. and I dont blame him for leaving me. 

not to get all pathetic and lonely on main but i’m really at a point where i’m tired of being single. i’ve never been in a relationship and up until now i’ve been okay with it, enjoying time by myself, taking time to learn and grow with myself; i told myself i want to become my own best friend just bc i have so much love to give i need to give it to myself. but now seeing my friends in amazing relationships, engagements, finding new partners im here, isolated, all by myself after all this time. but in the most frustrating way i know it’s not my time and i tell myself to be patient and wait but now i’m at a point where i’m getting jealous of ppl getting into new relationships and even getting close to being in a relationship with someone and that abruptly ending HORRIBLY. it’s like fuck i think i might just die alone!!!

I wish you were still my person but realistically I really don’t. I am tired of being alone. I hate expressing these feelings because realistically I’m not alone, I have my sister Jessica, I have my mom, I have my best friends Frida and Ruby. I am not alone but I am lonely. I miss having a person to text, someone to share my everyday life events even the most insignificant parts bc to them they won’t be insignificant bc I’m me. I miss having someone to rely on when I’m not 100% I’m tired of holding down my end of the bargain but get less 5% back in return (excluding my people) I am sad. Deep down I just want to be taken care, i want to be looked after, I want to be considered, I want to be valued, I want to be respected, I want to be genuinely and purely loved. Im tired of the hidden agendas or lack of consideration. I want to feel lovable. Im tired of feeling like I have to prove myself. I am lovable just as I am I don’t have to excel at everything and be perfect to be lovable I am enough as I am but some days im surrounded by people that make me feel as if im not. I want to be held. I miss Israel when he genuinely cared about me not the monster of a person he became. He hurt me to deeply in the end. He treated me like I was nothing and body to him. He had no respect to even give me a goodbye. He just ghosted me like we had not been together for nearly 6 years. I can’t help but feel so sad. I stood by his side for all the bad yet he could not give an ounce of love back. Im not even asking for him to be there in the bad time but he could not even give me love when I had none for myself. Instead he exploited that, he took advantage of my lack of self love and used me for his benefit whether tht be for sex, a ride, a free meal. He truly embarrassed me as a person, I am embarrassed that I also lacked so much self love, respect and discipline to stand by a person who did not care to look me in the face while taking advantage of me. I wish there was at least an ounce of remorse in his mind but knowing him there probably isn’t. At the end of the day it’s none of my business what he does or thinks but what I do know is it’s officially 8 months no contact. Soon to be 1 year. I guess if I could say anything to him is I hope you’re well, I’m good health physically and mentally, I wish you luck on your future, you don’t have to prove yourself to anyone, nothing in your past defines your current life. Respect although it’s all love too please leave me alone forever even if it kills me on the inside. Each day with no contact a piece of my heart dies, the place that hold the space of you. It needs to completely die, you have no place in living in my heart anymore. You don’t deserve space in my big sweet heart. You had it and instead of handling with care you ripped my heart to shreds then laughed in my face as you walked away. You left me and I don’t care how hard you life was bc mine was too but I never let that be an excuse to mistreat you. I don’t care what the reason was bc I deserve to be treated properly not what you did. The most I can do for myself right now is pursue my goals and achieve them for ME! I deserve to succeed in this life. I deserve to defy the odds. Life has put me through a tough walk of life at only 22 years old but I know my purpose in this life is to heal and blossom past the constraints life tries to shackle me in. I’m not defined by you Israel. I’m not defined by what you did to me. I’m not defined by all the terrible things in my past. I’m defined by the beauty I care from within and out. I am meant to shine in this life and I will not be dimmed by a guy. You’re just a guy. I am a humble, intelligent, charismatic, sweet, genuine, loving, thoughtful, considerate, caring person. That’s all me. You don’t just fake those sorts of things, that’s something I care within myself. And if I’m too much for you then you walking away was the best thing you could have done for yourself. Go find less elsewhere but you are no longer welcome in knowing who Jaymee is.

3, 5, 8, 13, 16 for zeolan for the worldbuilding asks?

3.) any recurring images/elements?

Hmmm this is kind of broad so I’m not totally sure how to interpret it I guess I will go with like. If it was a tv show. What visual motifs or recurring shots would there be. I think if there were constantly shots of Rocio alone like in an empty space that would be kind of funny imagine watching a show and there’s an obvious meta narrative focus on how lonely you are I’d be so mad. That and shots of like her back while she’s reading something or working on something like she’s closed off to the world or whatever. Definitely a lot of contrast of darkness vs light though for sure like places with people in them being associated with yellow/orange light whereas empty places are associated with the dark. 

Also there would probably be many unnecessarily long shots focusing on nature and the environment around the characters bc that’s what I personally like to see 

5.) pick a theme song for the tv adaptation.

life itself glass animals 😞😞😞 rip to the animatic I started in early 2022. theres a whole vision. for variety ill also say the definitive end credits song would be 

8.) what inspired your world building, if anything?

Honestly. Not much lol I feel like a lot of it is just me trying to make something that appeals to me personally just thinking of like aesthetics 

in the extended secret worldbuilding there are some aspects inspired by or influenced by real history. that being said I try not to avoid making that too direct or have it come up too often bc 1) it’s easy to make it extremely tasteless or at least inaccurate/shallow in its portrayal ofc 2) it is ultimately a fantasy world where I wanted to make shit up + have everything be original rather than have like. direct copies of real places + events. I think it’s like background concepts can be to some extent based on reality but specific events are all homebrewed yk

sundown 2020

probably fullmetal alchemist like subconsciously. wrt the magic system not the world itself 

I guess you could say I was inspired by actively trying to go against like. Tolkien esque or popular YA fantasy tropes of the late 2010s early 2020s. Bc a lot of what made me want to make the story in the first place was being tired of and annoyed by the kind of tone that was prevalent in YA fantasy at the time 

I literally CAN’T think of much this is so sad. My worldbuilding is just too original you guys 😔 

no lol but yeah it mostly wasn’t inspired by anything specific which is a shame bc I do think looking at things you were influenced by is pretty fun

they don’t know the wizard system is fully ripped off from how the wings of fire books used animus magic expect it’s learned instead of born 

13.) how long have you been working on this project? what has changed from the outset?

A little over 3 years like since February 2020 :3. I love this question it feels very behind the scenes like Im talking in a documentary.  Mostly the structure of the story has become much more linear when the original was like arcs based if that makes sense? Like episodic even though the episodes were pretty large in scale + theoretical length. Ofc a lot of the characters’ personalities have as well. I think the main focus too like initially it was just for fun but when I first added like a vague general central theme it was a lot abt dissociation from your identity + the weight of living and things like that. Life is hard but it’s worth it <3 And now there’s more focus on the nuances of interpersonal connection and things like that. I do like the original theme though I wouldn’t want to drop that idea entirely even though I’d probably want to have it show up in a more nuanced or subtle way idk 

16.) imagine the entire story takes place but in the meantime the characters all also have tumblr. what kind of (terrible) tumblr posts would happen?

rocio would hate all forms of social media viscerally. if she absolutely has to use it then it’s several thousand word long rants that stay in the drafts for eternity 

cirillo probably the type to just use it as a diary 

angel runs an extremely popular yet controversial fan page for enstars or some shit (<I mean. in universe it would be about 1400s romance novels) but occasionally vagues abt his personal life and everything he says sounds extremely concerning. And then like once he ends up on the news everyone’s like omg… bone stealing witch tier drama 

gloria only posts thirst traps + posts that are like “will be in [x city] tomorrow if anyone wants to meet up 👅” with every location change