sick grian sick grian sick grian !

headcanon that grian's watcher eyes and wings appear when he's sick (especially when he sneezes)

closeups under the cut

also inspired by this grian skin

Another guest, another request! I mean, this one was directly inspired by the last one I think, but I did deviate... Mainly because by the time I started writing it I was too far gone to realise I may be doing it wrong. Oh well! Hope I did alright anyway

Early January. The week before school was about to be set everyone back into their routine, Pete had plans. He'd bought a whole new notebook, and he'd had the idea for a brilliant new start to a campaign, one that he just had to share with Richie and Trevor as soon as possible. It was going to be huge.

Or rather, it would've been.

The notebook sat open on the first page. His pen was at least out of the cup he'd been using to hold them, but not a word had been written. Mainly because Pete had woken up feeling worse for wear.

At first, it had been fine. Just a headache, and he thought that the cloud in his vision was because he hadn't put on his glasses. But when that didn't change, he realised exactly what was going on. This was beause of the day before, wasn't it?

He sighed, flopping back onto his bed. Of all the things to happen on winter break, it was just his luck that his already shitty immune system had decided to screw him over something chronic. On today of all days. The day he finally got a good idea.

He found the strength to grab his phone, knowing that he'd made plans in some capacity. At least he wasn't going to bail on them on purpose, or make them believe that he was...

Pete:

Hey guys, we had plans today, right?

Ruth:

Uhh... Yeah? We were going skating?

Why, who are you leaving us for??? :0

Pete:

I'm not! I can literally barely see!

Ruth:

You break your glasses?

Richie:

they were fine yesterday...

Pete:

No, I'm not doing so well

I think, when it snowed yesterday, it fucked everything...

Snowball fight probably didn't help tbh

Ruth:

:(

Richie:

that sucks! ugh it's always when we wanna do something fun!

Pete:

You guys can still go! I'm not stopping you!

Have fun without me

Richie:

dont die on us. or else.

Pete huffed a breath of laughter. His friends did always know how to bring the best out of a situation, didn't they?

The moment he put his phone down, he got another text. Typical really, that the action tended only to happen when he was ready to give it up for the time being. He picked it up again, adjusting his glasses like that would help the pain behind his eyes.

Richie:

shit, wait

was that our fault?

By the time Pete opened his phone, Richie was typing again. He watched the three bubbles move across his screen, deciding not to say anything until Richie got out what needed to be said.

Richie:

you said the snowball fight, yeah? did we get you sick?

Ruth and Richie had ganged up on him, which was really funny at first, because he was still winning over both of them even with the disadvantage. Richie couldn't aim worth his life, and while Ruth could, she always made it glaringly obvious whenever she was about to attack, which totally defeated the purpose.

He'd paid for that victory with this impressive fever, that was for sure.

Pete:

Don't say it like that, it's fine!

Richie:

sorry!!!

Pete knew the reason why, of course. As soon as he was old enough to understand the word diabetic, he knew why. He had a terrible immune system because of that. So really, he'd brought it upon himself by initiating the fight in the first place...

Pete:

Seriously! Don't worry!

He heard the sound of the buzzer for the front door. Part of him was willing to pretend that he didn't hear it at all, but the voice that followed made him force himself out of bed.

"Pete? You still there? You said you were going out today, right? ... Shit, I probably missed him-"

The walk to the buzzer felt way longer than usual, what with the hallway spinning every time he tried to take a step. When he finally got there, he leaned against the wall, supporting himself as he reached for the intercom button. "What's up, Ted?" Before he spoke, he hadn't realised how strained his voice would sound, but he didn't know what else he was expecting.

"Jesus, kid, what happened to you?"

"I dunno what you're talking about."

"You sound dead."

"Yeah, real nice... Anyway, what d'you want?"

"Left my wallet. Are you gonna let me in, or..?"

Pete sighed and buzzed him in. He hadn't taken his keys on purpose because he'd known that Pete was going to be in after he left and before he came back, so in his head, he didn't need them.

While he was up and active, Pete decided that now was as good a time as any to grab a snack, fix himself a drink, and do everything he was supposed to have done hours ago. He ambled into the kitchen, cursing himself for waking up at ten thirty, because now he was behind in the day, and he was lagged as hell.

Ted strolled in through the door as he was raiding the fridge. His wallet was on the countertop, and as soon as he figured that out, he also managed to grasp the situation at hand. Pete barely looked awake, and he was still in his pyjamas, which was unusual for him at this time of the day.

That, paired with the way he'd sounded when he answered the door led to a little concern. Ted's brow creased, and he looked his brother up and down. "Uh... You sure you're okay over there?" He looked well and truly washed out, paler than he'd looked since... A few years back, when he'd made the stupid decision to walk to Ted's apartment from their parents' in the freezing cold, and had been caught in a freak blizzard on the way.

Hadn't it snowed yesterday as well?

Pete frowned, his mind not able to run fast enough to come up with an excuse on the fly. And he could make a fair assumption of how bad he looked based on how he felt, so he pretty much knew that Ted had already drew his own conclusions as to what was going on. He wasn't stupid.

So, Pete sighed, drawing his gaze to a more comfortable position that didn't hurt to uphold. "I'm fine, it's just- we were caught in the snow yesterday, and the three of us had this snowball fight, and... Well, I think I got this fever from it. But it's fine, really, I-"

Ted's face softened, and he pressed his lips into a fine line. "Did you at least win the fight?"

"Huh?"

"Did you win that snowball fight?"

Caught completely off guard, Pete laughed softly. "Uh, yeah, I think I did."

"Who against?"

"Ruth and Richie?"

Ted shook his head slowly. "It wasn't worth it. You look like shit." Still, all thoughts of his wallet discarded, he took a step closer and laid a hand on Pete's shoulder. "How about I pick up lunch?"

"What about the office?"

"Fuck the office, man. They don't need me. Besides, d'you just expect me to let you look after yourself all day?"

Hi there Author-Nim! I am a HUGE Sucker for Lee know hurt/comfort fics here are some of my ideas I have, First idea: Stray kids Minho centric Idol AU comfort fic: where all stray kids members (except Minho) get sick and Minho is working his butt off running errands and doing 6 other people’s jobs on top of his own and is really stressed, and stray kids are really really worried about him and he collapses in dance studio and ateez find him, bring him back to the dorm and fluff and comfort happen

If you had other suggestions, I think they got cut off.

Here it is hope you enjoy

Worked into the Ground

It was early January and a flu had been going around JYPE. It ended up hitting all artists under the label at least a little bit, but Stray Kids had been hit the hardest. The eight members were currently on week two of being sick. All members were essentially down for the count except for Minho. The other seven members have essentially been stuck in bed with a low to moderate fever since Monday the previous week and Minho has been taking care of all of them.

Minho was currently in the kitchen making another vat of chicken soup, when Chan’s phone rang. He placed the ladle down and glanced at the phone. Seeing as it was their manager, he answered it. Apparently a last minute meeting had been called about something regarding their upcoming album, and somebody, preferably Chan needed to be present. Minho hung up the phone and sighed as he began to ladle the soup into bowls.

Minho brought each member their bowl of soup and made sure they were all properly medicated. Thankfully they all appeared to be improving, but there was no way he was going to let Chan attend a meeting, when he was still sporting a fever, albeit mild.

“Hyung, I got called for a meeting with manager-nim and then I’m going to run to the store. I’ll come back to drop off the groceries, then I have an online class, and after that I’m going back to the company to plan out some choreography.” Chan nodded as he began to eat some of his soup.

“Alright Min, Let me know how the meeting goes. Make sure to take plenty of breaks and eat something too.” Minho nodded before grabbing his notebook and leaving. Chan was honestly a little bit worried about his oldest dongsaeng. He’s been too sick to attend the managerial meetings himself, so Minho has been going in his stead. On top of college, being one of the main choreographers for the group, and taking care of the other six members as wee, Chan knows that Minho is potentially biting off more than he can chew. He just hopes that the younger is actually taking breaks so he doesn't burn out or get sick himself.

The meeting that Minho had attended had made him want to bash his skull in. It was one of those meeting where everything could have been covered in an email, but instead, he sat in a conference for an hour being told in different ways that they wanted the next album to be completed in two months time and that the concept wasn’t changing from what it had originally been decided to be a month ago. Minho was starting to develop a headache, but he still needed to go to the store and attend his college class before working on some choreography. He sighed as he walked into the store.

A couple hours later when his class was finally over, Minho wanted two things. Pain meds and sleep. His headache had gotten much worse during his class, so once it had ended, he went to the medicine cabinet and took some meds for himself. He also just wished he could take a nap, but He still had three hours minimum scheduled to be at the company building working on choreography. He was also planning on getting some input from the members of Ateez, whom he invited over because they had gotten close during Kingdom. He didn’t have time for a nap or a proper break, so he grabbed a protein shake and a protein bar, then made his way to the dance studio.

The session with the choreographer hadn’t exactly gone well. Minho had been a bit sloppier than usual, not by much, but still sloppier. The choreographer wasn’t aware that the others were sick, and as such Minho was stretched kind of thin. But Minho was fine with that. He’d much prefer the choreographer think that he’s just having an off day. He was also supremely glad that they recorded all of their sessions, because he’s not sure he’d remember.

Minho had around thirty minutes before the Ateez members showed up, so he sat down and quickly ate the protein bar and drank the shake. The second he finished eating, Minho decided to go right back to practicing in order to smooth over the parts he was having trouble with when he was with their choreographer. He was also falling asleep while he had been resting, and since his day wasn’t done yet, it just made the most sense to go right back to practicing.

It turns out, dancing when you’ve literally just eaten and are otherwise dead on your feet is a terrible idea. Minho’s body wasn't having it, and reciprocated by giving the dancer abdominal cramps and extreme dizziness. Minho didn’t even get through one run through of the song before he fell to the floor. Somewhere in the background, he thought he could hear yelling, but he couldn’t be certain.

The five members of Ateez that had been part of the Mayfly dance unit had arrived at the dance studio a few minutes early. “It sounds like Minho hyung is already warming up. I say we just go in and warm up with him.” Wooyoung said as he pushed the door open with his back.

Before Wooyoung could fully open the door, the five men were greeted by the sight of Minho falling to the ground with a fairly loud thud. “HYUNG!” shouted San as he ran into the to look over the older. The others ran in after San, Seonghwa placing his hand on Minho’s forehead, as well as checking for any injuries. “He doesn’t appear to have a fever, nor does it look like he hurt himself, but we’re clearly not going to be doing any dancing today. Yeosang, grab Minho’s bag, Yunho can you please help me pick him up. We’re going to take him back to his dorm.

The five members struggled a little bit in bringing MInho back to his dorm. They all kind of wished Jongho had come with so he could carry the dancer, but they had to make do. Wooyoung knocked on the door when they arrived at Minho’s dorm. They waited a minute, but no one answered. They knew that at least one of the members should be home, as Minho had told them as such earlier in the group chat. However, not wanting to be the person who knocks incessantly on the door, San and Yeosang decided to look for Minho’s keys in his pockets and bag respectively.

San quickly unlocked the door as soon as the key was found. When there was no response to them entering the dorm, Wooyoung decided to make their presence known as Seonghwa and Yunho placed Minho on the couch. “Changbin, Felix, Jeongin, is anybody home?!” He shouted. There was some clatter in response, followed by Chan and Changbin exiting their rooms. The five Ateez members were taken aback by the disheveled appearances of the two rappers. They became even more alarmed when Changbin suddenly bent at the waist with an intense coughing fit.

“What are you guys doing here?” Chan asked, not having noticed Minho lying on the couch. “We were supposed to meet Minho at one of your company’s dance studios, but as we walked in he collapsed. So we brought him here.” Yeosang said, gesturing to the couch as he placed the dancer’s bag on the floor. Chan looked over at the figure on the couch. “Bin, can you grab the thermometer please?” The leader asked, before he succumbed to an intense coughing fit himself. Changbin returned a second later with the thermometer and slipped it into Minho’s mouth. When it beeped, both rappers were relieved to find that he hadn’t developed a fever.

With all of the commotion coming from the living room the other five Stray Kids members exited their rooms, looking just as disheveled as the two oldest rappers. A couple of them had their faces buried in the elbows as they coughed, others had their faces buried in a handful of tissues as they blew their noses.

“You’re all sick.” Seonghwa said, although it kind of sounded like a question. They all nodded and Felix spoke, his voice impossibly deeper than it normally is. “Yeah, the seven of us caught the flu a little over a week ago. Minho is the only one who didn’t get sick and has been running himself ragged taking care of us.”

Chan spoke next, “And by running himself ragged, Felix means attending any and all meetings in our stead, going to vocal and dance practices by himself, and attending his college courses as well as taking care of the grocery shopping.” The leader paused, breaking into a mini coughing fit. “We’ve all tried to get him to take a breather, but we haven’t been super successful.”

“I think everyone should either get comfortable here in the living room or go back to your rooms, we’re going to take over from here.” Seonghwa said with no room for argument. Wooyoung and San had gone into the kitchen to make lunch and Yunho was texting Hongjoong what had happened. As twelve people were moving around the dorm, Minho began to stir.

Seungmin had sat himself next to the second oldest Stray Kids member and smiled softly at him. “Good morning sleepy head. How are you feeling?” Minho yawned and rubbed at his eyes. His mind not being anywhere near awake, Minho responded, “Why are you here? You’re supposed to be back at the dorm resting.

“I hate to break it to you hyung, but you passed out at the dance studio so we brought you back here.” Yeosang said. Minho’s eyes widened and he sat up, looking around the room to find twelve pairs of eyes staring back at him with different levels of concern.

“Quick question Minho, and I want an honest answer.” Chan said, his voice as serious as he could make it while fighting back a cough. “How much sleep have you gotten while taking care of us as well as taking on extra responsibilities on top of your own?” At this, all Minho was able to do was look down at his hands. Disappointed sighs could be heard from multiple people.

“Alright, Chan-hyung, you are going to call your manager and tell him to clear everyone’s schedules until everyone is completely better.” Seonghwa gave Chan a look before turning to Minho. “Before you even try telling me you’re not sick, you’ve run yourself into the ground with exhaustion and it’ll be amazing if you don’t catch the bug the others have. You have two choices, camping out on the couch or going to your room.” As Minho pondered his options, there was a knock on the door and Yunho got up to open it, revealing Hongjoong, Mingi, and Jongho.

The thirteen people that were already in the room didn’t have a chance to speak because Hongjoong spoke first. “Alright guys, the plan is that one Ateez member will take care of one Stray Kids member. If the sick member you are taking care of refuses to cooperate, feel free to contact their parents, or better yet BtoB hyungs. I’m sure they’d love to hear how seven of you got sick at the same time and the eighth one worked himself into the ground.” The silence at the threat was so loud it was almost laughable.

None of the Stray Kids members wanted to get BtoB hyungs involved. They weren’t sure if they would be helpful or make things worse, so they all decided to just let Ateez take care of them. Before everyone could properly group up, Chan asked a question. “Hongjoong, that was some really effective threat making you did there, what’s your secret?” Hongjoong shrugged. “I just treat people who are being overly difficult like they’re five and it’s usually effective.”

With each member of Ateez taking care of one member of Stray Kids, everyone in the dorm was able to breathe a bit better. All the members of Ateez were currently on break, so taking care of Stray Kids wasn’t a huge problem. The members of Ateez spent the next several days making sure the sick members were recovering well.

Even though Minho had recovered after a full night’s rest, Seonghwa maintained that he continued resting at the dorm until everyone was better. Minho wanted to protest, but relented when the slightly older man got his phone out to call Minhyuk. By the time the weekend rolled around only sporadic coughing could be heard around the dorm and the Ateez members made plans to help Minho out with his choreography the following Tuesday.

1281

survey by chasingghosts

Who?

Who was the last person you had an intelligent debate with? Not so sure - maybe Angela and Reena. Our group chat will occasionally veer towards serious topics.

Who was the last person who cooked something for you? Dad, I believe; but I can also hear my mom preparing breakfast downstairs so she will be the next last person haha.

Who was the last person who you heard singing? Other than me, my co-worker Dev’s sibling when we had our weekly ~fade-out-slash-bonding call with the rest of the team last Friday. She had left her mic on while we were all doing the last remaining bits of work for the week and I could hear her sibling humming in the background.

Who was the last person you kissed and it meant something? My ex.

Who was the last person you were upset with? Myself.

Who was the last person you danced with? I don’t really dance with other people unless...like, drunk. But I guess my swaying and bouncing with Angela when we watched Sowoozoo counts.

Who was the last person you felt awkward around? The food delivery rider who was bringing food my aunt wanted to send over to us yesterday. He seemed very confused for reasons I’m still very confused by lmao, so it all made for an awkward encounter. 

Who was the last person who borrowed something from you? My mom went into my closet last week to grab something of mine, but I have no idea what it was since I had been half-asleep when she walked in.

Who was the last person who showed you how to do something? My dad taught me how to make coffee that wasn’t from a 3-in-1 sachet lol.

Who was the last person you went shopping with? I don’t really go shopping, much less with other people.

Who was the last person you had a crush on? I haven’t crushed on anyone since my ex, and the people I find attractive nowadays are all celebrities haha.

Who was the last person who made you cry? Myself.

Who was the last person you shared a bed with? Oh, that’s been a while. Still Gabie, I’m pretty sure.

Who was the last person you got drunk with? We were quite a bunch at Angela’s place two weeks ago, but I’ll name a few - her, Reena, Pia, Hans, Al.

Who was the last person who touched your hair? Not sure. Maybe my dad.

What?

What was the last pair of shoes you wore? It was a pair of adidas sneakers.

What was the last birthday party you attended? The last birthday celebration (not necessarily a party) I went to was Angela’s. I darted to her house straight after work that day cos there was no way I was going to miss out on her birthday.

What was the last thing you said to your mother? I think it was just to bid her goodnight last night.

What was the last song you listened to? Seesaw by Suga.

What was the last thing you thought about before going to sleep last night? I was thinking about my headache and how I wanted to fall asleep immediately.

What was the last fun thing you did with your family? We had a Zoom party yesterday to celebrate my cousin Bree’s 12th birthday! Her family sent over takoyaki, milk tea, and pizza to all the households who went and we watched the birthday clips we sent for Bree. It was a lot of fun and it was a super nice break from how monotonous my weekends could be.

What was the last thing you borrowed from someone? My sister’s microfiber cloth so that I could clean my glasses.

What was the last vegetable you ate? I’m blanking out...which is weird because my dad puts veggies in most of the dinners he makes hahaha. Probably something like lettuce or pechay??

What was the last thing you bought online? My friends and I pre-ordered the second season of In The Soop so that we can watch it when it premieres later in the month. We’ll also have to purchase our tickets to BTS’ next online concert that’ll be happening this month too...thanks for reminding me I have to raise it with them haha.

What was the last thing you had to drink? I haven’t had to drink anything recently but the last thing I took a sip of was my coffee.

What was the last reason you went to see a doctor? Continued from yesterday morning. I had had a fever all week long and we couldn’t figure out how to lower my temperature, so we needed to go so I could finally be diagnosed with whatever it was. It turned out to be a UTI.

What was the last non-food item you purchased? Pre-order slots for a pay-per-view series.

What was the last type of yoghurt you ate? Ooh, I don’t like yogurt. I’m blanking out on the last time I had it.

What was the last fast food place you ate at? I haven’t dined in at a fast food place in a while – I think it may have been Jollibee, when Angela and I met up back in February. But I did get KFC for delivery a few weeks ago.

What was the last thing that bothered you and kept you awake? Doesn’t really happen to me nowadays. I get knocked out most nights.

When?

When was the last time you embarrassed yourself? I guess yesterday? I went to Starbucks to work for a little bit but since I hadn’t done dine-in for a couple of months, I had no idea the government modified the rules a bit and required people to bring their vaccination cards if they wanted to dine in. The barista explained the new rule and I ended up profusely apologizing because I didn’t have mine on me, and I also offered that I could just do take out; but she was nice and let me off the hook and just confirmed with me if I’ve had my shots.

When was the last time you watched a movie with someone? Just myself. I did watch Squid Game - binge-watched all 9 episodes straight - with my sister last Saturday, though.

When was the last time you charged your phone? Earlier this afternoon.

When was the last time you were sick with a cold? I dunno. 1 or 2 years ago, maybe? I rarely get colds.

When was the last time you spoke to a family member on the phone? Yesterday when my mom called me up.

When was the last time it rained where you live? Earlier today. Explains why it’s been humid the last few days.

When was the last time you laid awake, unable to sleep? Like I said, struggling to fall asleep doesn’t really happen to me anymore. I usually exhaust myself until I feel like I can pass out the second I close my eyes.

When was the last time you met someone new? I want to say two Fridays ago when I pitched a presentation to a new set of people but still within a client brand we manage.

When was the last time you filled up your car with petrol/gas? I don’t drive a lot, so it’s been a few months.

When was the last time you ate popcorn? Don’t like popcorn so I honestly can’t remember. My mom makes them occasionally though so I may have grabbed one or two just to have something to chew, sometime within the year.

When was the last time you went to a school event? March last year. A school event that had been held on a Friday was literally the last place I was at – by the time that very next Monday rolled around, classes were already suspended.

When was the last time you took the trash out? I’m not normally in charge of that chore so I haven’t done it.

When was the last time you did anything to change your appearance? Like...10 minutes ago? I just fixed my bun since my hair had started to look disheveled from being up all day.

When was the last time you cooked at home? Sometime in like November last year when I tried to make a sandwich. Anyway, my dad just left today to finally head back to his work for the first time in nearly two years, and I told myself (and him) that I should try to learn cooking at least one meal so that I can manage well while he’s gone haha.

When was the last time you had a sleepover? Maybe January of last year.

Where?

Where did you last go shopping for clothing? Not sure about physical spaces but I did open my Zalora app recently to look for cute bucket hats that I’ll probably never buy anyway hahaha.

Where did you last go on a date to? I don’t even remember. I deleted all photos a long time ago.

Where was the last wedding you went to? Manila Cathedral, if I’m not mistaken. This was well over a decade ago, though. I haven’t been to any other wedding since.

Where did you last park your car, other than home? Angela’s house when I visited a couple of weeks ago.

Where did you last leave your keys? Dining table.

Where did your last kiss take place? By my ex’s car when I was bidding her goodbye.

Where did you last go for a walk to? The mall, yesterday.

Where did you last take a vacation to? It was a staycation more than anything, but we stayed at Tagaytay for a night at the start of this year to celebrate my dad’s birthday.

Where did you last go to celebrate your own birthday? We stayed at home. I reported to work that day then just had a huge dinner with my family haha.

Where was the last place you had dinner at? No clue. I want to say Ramen Nagi? when I ate there on my own last February.

Where did you last go to exercise? Rooftop since it’s open-space and no one can see me.

Where did you last take public transport to? I don’t take public transport.

Where does the last person you hung out with live? A city close to mine.

Where did you last visit for the first time? A Korean restaurant close to Angela’s place.

Where did you last take a photo? Just my room.

Interstellar: how a meme brought me to a masterpiece.

It was the time I've just discovered what vines were, and once I was doing a vine compilation with a fandom and I wanted to close it with the vine of the cat that once the girl puts it a petunia over its head, starts having visions with a very exciting and cosmic-like music. I wanted to check out what was the music, and when watching the full version, I went to the description of the video and found the Youtube recommendation of the soundtrack.

There it was, the soundtrack of Interstellar by Hans Zimmer. To begin with, I have a good reference of Zimmer's works, and I had him on a good musical opinion. I found the soundtrack of great quality and I started to like it. Also, we oftenly had the organ for an instrument that ambients horrific or religious moments in cinema (the last one situation was kinda Zimmer's intention) However, my father who is an organist has a student that wanted to find more organ in movies soundtracks and he wanted to help her. Also, everything organ related is of interest for him. I found it very interesting this spin off in the using of the instrument in Interstellar.

Suddenly many video memes of the soundtrack started appearing on my Youtube recommendations and I started watching them all. It was a sort of dumb bunch of memes of things or people turning around with the exciting music but it was, sorta a high cultural meme, idk, very nerdy. I found it hilarious. Then I found a video parody of the docking scene™ in which two guys used things of domestic use for it and someone in a comment said that the music helped any dumb thing to look glorious and epic.

I started hearing the whole soundtrack, and the more I heard it, the more I liked it, and the more I liked it, the more I wanted to watch the movie. My little sister had watched a few months before the movie of Inception in her psychology class and that's when we met Christopher Nolan's movies.

Then around January of the last year, my family and I fell very ill. Don't be alarmed, Covid-19 hadn't reached México yet. But it was a virus for sure, (my mom thinks it could've been Influenza) and it had us all in bed with high fever. On those cases we tend to watch movies as a comfort and something that can distract us. One night of the week when that happened, when we were at the worst of the sickness, my little sister and I were layed down in the coachs of our living room, deciding what movie to watch. Both of us had curiosity on watching Interstellar by some time before, and we decided to put it. We hadn't saw the trailer at that moment, nor investigated the plot on Wikipedia or read any review or synopsis. We didn't knew nothing about what we would be watching, but we had nothing to loose.

We just understood half of the scientific arguments, and for the headaches we had it wasn't working as a distraction, but we found the plot very well constructed and interesting. The settings and the space recreation were superb, and well, we already talked about the art of the soundtrack. As Nolan always know how to manage, the suspense was brilliant. Practically there wasn't some huge persecution or a terrible villain. All the characters were very human, and the most thrilling moment was two people on a space ship trying to rescue an endurance. The long we saw the more involved we felt. At the docking™ scene, when the soundtrack of No Time For Caution started playing, both of us got chills and I said to my sister: "This is it, this is the scene of the soundtrack!!" It was late passing midnight, both of us had between 38° and 39.5° celsius or 101.3° and 103.1° fahrenheit, but we were so excited and screaming like if we were watching a soccer game.

After that Interstellar became one of our favorite movies and it was enough for us to start watching other Nolan movies like the Batman trilogy. 'Till these days we keep hearing the soundtrack and we haven't got tired of it. Frankly my father's passion for the organ always had me done, but this soundtrack helped me to reconcile with this instrument.

This is one of the reasons why I would like to keep defending and even more, encouraging the free use of some content (with the proper credit and fair treatment) and the work of fans, because, just a little meme, may help into someone to get interested in something they even never knew it existed.

Sick (Todoroki x Reader) Birthday Special!

Pairing: Todoroki x Reader 

Genre: Fluff (fluffed myself into devastation again)

Summary: It’s your boyfriend’s birthday, but unfortunately you’re feeling less enthusiastic about it because you’re sick as a dog.  So what happens when the birthday boy finds out you’re in less than top condition?

Inspo: Me, myself, and I bc I was sick this past week (and I’m still not over it), and this Tik Tok bc I’m a loser.

Word count: 1,698

Tags:  @yuki-osaki​ @liviitehe​ @iamsoftsodonttoucheume-blog​ @bunnythepipsqueak​

A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE ONLY ICYHOT THAT MATTERS TODOROKI!!

I decided to combine a birthday special with an idea I had about a sick reader that I was going to write anyway because softboy Todo is the best Todo (besides the ones where he’s flirty but that’s different)

Don’t judge me for being on Tiktok, my cousin was showing me all the cosplayers and I was sold, the cosplayers are so talented, I’m really jealous T.T.  Not to mention there’s actually some really great fanfic fodder floating around there, so don’t be shocked if I post some others inspired by Tiktoks.  Anyway, enjoy the story!

I feel like I've been run over.

Every muscle in my body is either aching or stiff, my nose is stuffed, my throat hurts, and my body is cold and hot at the same time despite wearing flannel pajamas.  At random times last night, I woke up between whatever snipets of random dreams I can remember.

In short, I feel miserable and I've only been awake for 10 seconds.

I was hoping it wouldn't get to this point.  Two days ago, I started taking vitamin C supplements because I felt the tickling scratchiness starting up in my throat, and yesterday I was out with the Deku squad in the cold because Uraraka wanted to go to some wings place in the city in the freezing cold.  Never did I think it would escalate to this.

I blame Denki.  The idiot was coughing like a dog all over the place.

At first, I'm happy it's a Saturday and I can probably just lay in bed and sleep all day.  When I finally gather enough energy to roll over and look at my phone, I feel infinitely worse.

Fuck. It's January 11.

Today's Todoroki's birthday.  And I'm sick.  What kind of twist of fate is this?  I wanted to take him out to eat or go to an arcade or something just to spend the day with him, but it takes too much energy to get up.

I huff, guilt eating at me.  I have to do this, for my baby.  Kicking the covers off, I slowly roll up to sit at the edge of my bed, wrapping myself in my blanket and trudging to the bathroom.  The soreness in my limbs beg me to go back to bed, but I repeat the mantra, "For Shouto, it's for Shouto " to keep me going.

As soon as I see myself in the bathroom mirror I whine.  My face is so pale that my dark circles are more prominent, emphasizing my obvious lack of good sleep.  After I complete the strenuous task of brushing my teeth, I shuffle back to my bed and faceplant down at the foot side since I'm too tuckered out to get in properly.  I'll wait for Shouto to come after breakfast.  I'll just go back to sleep, I persuade myself as I drift off.  Maybe I can ask him to only spend half a day so I can come back and sleep, I'm sure he'll understand...

After some time, I'm startled out of my half slumber by a soft knock at the door.  "Love?  Are you awake?  It's me."

I smile at my precious angel's manners.  "Coming, just give me a sec."  I gather all my strength and try not to make it look like I'm dying on the inside as I open the door.

There Todoroki stands in his casual clothes, his endearing, ever-neutral face present as usual.  "Good morning.  You weren't down for breakfast, did you eat already?"

"No, not yet, I just woke up," I answer, my voice slightly hoarse.

His brows furrow.  "Did you drink any water yet at least?  They say it's good for starting your metabolism in the morning."

I shake my head.

He studies me, his heterochromatic eyes scanning me up and down in my blanket-clad state before scrutinizing my face.  "Did you sleep well last night?"

"Not really..."

He crosses his arms over his chest and steps towards me, making me take another one back.  "You know I don't like it when you don't take care of yourself.  You know what that means."  A dark aura washes over his face.

I cling to my blanket and screw my eyes shut, somewhat afraid of him when he gets like this.

A warm hand comes down on my head.  "You feel warmer than you're supposed to, the heat's radiating off of you.  Not to mention you're pale," he comments.  He removes his hand.  "Get back to bed, you're not going anywhere today."

"But it's your birthday, I wanted to spend the day with you," I cough at the end.  The muffled noise and the pain in my ears that follows males me realize my hearing is shot along with everything else wrong with me.

"We can spend the day in bed together," he argues, pushing me gently down to recline.

I groan at how stubborn he is.  "Can't we go out for half a day?  I promise I'll rest later."

"No," Todoroki dismisses tersely, refitting the blanket across my sheets.  "We can save that for tomorrow, you need rest."  He places a gentle kiss on my forehead and pauses.  "That's definitely a low to mid grade fever.  Can I trust you to stay here while I gather some supplies?"

I blink.  What.  "Yes, I'll stay put," I surrender.

After almost half an hour, Todoroki returns, awakening me from my slumber with arms full.

"What the-"  I eye the huge pot in his hands and a tote bag hanging off his arm.

He set the pot down on the floor.  "I took the liberty of making you chicken soup with some ginger for your throat.  I also brought some medicine for your fever, a box of tissues, a humidifier, some nose spray for the congestion, a bag of cough drops, a thermos of water, a carton of orange juice-"

I whine out loud like a child, feeling a huge rock of guilt on my chest.

"Is something wrong?  Are you in pain?"  His affectionate gaze flickers to me in worry.

"You're killing me, Shouto!"

He sits next to me on the bed, brushing my face with his fingertips.  "Did I do something wrong?  I'm sorry-"

"No, it's not you," I sigh.  "I just feel so bad.  Today's your birthday, and here you are taking care of me because I got sick instead of doing something fun.  I'm terrible."

His fingers brush my hair off my forehead.  "Love, it's not your fault that you're sick on my birthday-"

"Yeah, it's Kaminari's," I interject with a pout.

Todoroki chuckles.  "I'll fix him later.  I don't need anything special, I just want to spend time with you.  Besides, you being ill gives me the perfect excuse to stay by your side all day."

Warmth blooms in my chest at his loving words.  I sniff, "You're too good to me."

He kisses my forehead again.  "I'm fully expecting the same treatment if I ever get sick as repayment."

"Huh?!"

A heart-melting smile cracks across his face.  "Kidding, Love.  Just finish your soup and let me take care of you.  That's more than enough repayment."

The rest of the day passed in a comfortable blur.  Todoroki fed me soup by the bowl every few hours for my meals, made sure I drank water throughout the day, and gave me orange juice to drink.  "You need the Vitamin C to help your immune system work," he says.  All day, he wrapped us in blankets as we binge-watched shows and movies on my laptop while regulating my temperature with his quirk.  He catered to every need I had from my stuffy nose to my muffled hearing.  He even started massaging my sore muscles to ease the dull pain.  My heart couldn't feel fuller knowing he willingly nursed me back to health when he could've been doing something more fun or at least productive.

"Shouto, don't you want to at least go train today?" I ask.  "You don't have to sit here with me the whole day."

His hand around my body squeezes tighter.  "I'd rather be here with you than train."

I weakly hit his chest.  "You sound slightly obsessive."

Todoroki's cool fingers absently play with my hair, brushing my cheeks.  "If you fall asleep, I'll step out for a little so I don't bother you."

After a moment, I tilt my head up at him.  "I want to give you your gift at least.  It's in the top drawer."

Quirking an eyebrow, he gets out of bed and opens my chest of drawers.  "You didn't need to get me anything."  He pulls out a thin, black cardboard box on top.

"I'm warning you now, it's kind of stupid, but I didn't know what to get for a boy who already has everything," I admit, nervously watching him sit back next to me and open it.

Inside is a simple string bracelet with two silver balls flanking a golden Sun symbol.  Todoroki takes it out and immediately puts it on his right wrist to admire it, though his expression is blank as ever.

"I know you don't wear jewelry, but I wanted to keep it simple.  Besides, it's actually a couples set," I nod over to my bedside table.  "Mine is over there."

He surveys the mess and locks eyes with a bracelet of similar design except a silver crescent moon is in the middle.

"You get the Sun one because you're my precious sunshine boy," I chuckle before coughing to clear my throat.  "Sorry, that was really cheesy-"

Todoroki cups my face and seals my lips before I can finish.  I almost kiss him back instinctively, but I pull his hands away.  "Shouto, I'm sick-"

"Thank you."  A soft smile appears across his features and his eyes glint in affection, washing me over in warmth.  "I'll wear it every day, when I'm not training so it won't break."

Before I can respond, he tackles me in another kiss, sending my heart into a frenzy of irregular beats.  His kisses are sweet yet searing, pouring all of his love as he moves against me, clinging to my body like a lifeline.

When Todoroki finally pulls away, my head spins, but I can't miss the grin on his face as he caresses my cheek.  "I love you," he whispers.

And just like that, my heart feels squeezed again.  "You're gonna get sick."

He pecks my nose.  "At least it's from you."

I bury my face in his chest, heat rushing to my cheeks and ears.  "I love you too, you big dork."

The rise and fall of his chest and his soft touch in my hair lulls me to sleep in his arms, a smile on both of our faces.

Hello 2021

January 2, 2021

I should’ve put these thoughts into words on the first day of the year but then again, I felt so lazy given this bed weather we are currently having. By far, I think I experienced the coldest temperature here in my hometown (21 degrees baby) and I’m sure not liking it as I prefer warm days.

I actually do not know how to start. I feel it’s necessary to check on how I am doing lately. Write the things I experienced last year and reflect on the lessons it taught me.

I could probably kick things off by remembering how 2020 started for me. I have a bad memory but I’ll try my best to recall them.

January

Broke up with J (yes this is probably one of the major and heartbreaking events happened to me). To sum it up, I realized that the relationship does not have growth anymore, and I am slowly drifting to follow my own path, which is to focus on the plans I want. I haven’t thought deeply the lessons I learned in my past relationship yet but one thing is for sure, I changed and I want to explore more of what I can do or what I’m missing out in life. Which brings me to attend seminars on how to work/study abroad. I attended a couple (e.g Fortrust Makati) and I also realized how costly it will be and I’m probably not yet ready esp. on the financial aspect.

February – March

Highlight on these months was I got back to dating apps again. I know it was a complete dick move. I haven’t moved on yet and here I am in the pool again. I met 2 guys from this app, Coffee Meets Bagel (which btw I uninstalled few months after). The first guy was the introvert but funny type and also VERY sexual. I got along with it, tried to do the deed but failed cause the guy hasn’t moved on from the ex yet. (Sucks right). And so I met this second guy and he is decent but we really had completely different personality. I believe this guy is also rich (he came from a Chinese family and I went to his house and saw the maid and his stuff). Can you also believe he already introduced me to his mom (no dad cause broken family), uncle and grandma. Pressured si ate gurl syempre cause it was really too early to do that step since we’re just dating but March was the most difficult month because…

START OF LOCKDOWN. PH was in state of panic after the government announced a nationwide lockdown due to increased COVID-19 transmission. I immediately went on a bus to the province fearing to get stuck in Manila.

April

Nah this was just a typical month. Summer vibes all over but since we cannot go to the beach we just setup an inflatable pool in the house to get soaked. I finally posted a pic wearing a swimsuit again. My stagnant IG feed came to life lmao

May

Oh boy. This month sucks so much. I got typhoid fever. Which I thought was COVID already cause my fever just won’t stop. My mom didn’t want me to get admitted in the hospital in the fear of being infected so I was hooked in the IV here in the house. I felt I was dying. I was in huge pain both physically and mentally. Which forced me to end any communication means with the second guy. He was not there when I was sick. I didn’t feel his concern even if we’re miles apart and I felt I was begging for his attention. It just won’t work. He blocked me in his socials (which is a first for me, usually I am the one who blocks lol) but given the current state I have now, I learned to accept it and chose to move forward.

June

Explored options on work/study program abroad. We got a new car (Xpander) which my father was able to purchase after borrowing money from us. That money could’ve been used for my Japan trip on December (plot twist it was cancelled due to fucking corona) but it’s okay I guess I’ll save another again.

I also got my student permit (yes I learned how to drive months after hehe)

July

THIS WAS MY BIGGEST DOWNFALL FOR THIS YEAR. There were some modifications in the quarantine and so my employer required and FORCED us to report on site in Makati despite of high number of positive cases. All I can say is SCREW THEM and I hope karma will do its thing on their business. The management.. the bosses.. they are all inconsiderate fucks for not allowing me to work at home instead. The situation forced me to resign but they chose to terminate me instead. The unemployment took its toll on my mental health, it caused me great depression and anxiety which forced me to look for distractions.. anything that will ease my mind.

Oh and btw, I bought my first laptop from hard earned money. Oh boy, it was satisfying to give myself the things my parents couldn’t afford that time I was still in school. It’s a gaming laptop and the one I’m using to type now. I absolutely love it and I used it to find online jobs later on..

I read Looking for Alaska by John Green again after watching the TV series on Hulu. Geez, this has to be my favorite book so far. The seeking of great perhaps.. which was very timely on my mood while having nothing else to do.

Lastly, TAYLOR SWIFT RELEASED A NEW ALBUM CALLED FOLKLORE. In the middle pandemic? Awesome right and this album kept me sane during this crazy and miserable month. Oh and on December, she released folklore’s sister album.. Evermore. Miss Swift saved me again with her music. This will definitely be one of the albums I will play when I’m old and gray knitting sweaters and wearing cardigan.

August

I started and finished my driving lesson in manual. JFC, I realized driving gives me a huge anxiety. One thing is for sure, I will prefer to drive automatic. Not driving that shit again.

I was still hooked with Looking for Alaska. Also purchased Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck on the time I bought LFA.

On the other hand, I was also actively looking for new jobs this time.

September

ON SEPT. 30 I GOT HIRED! I was super happy to start on a new job. It gave me hope once again to continue on this journey called life. After almost 3 months, we are def back to business!

I also got the chance to get this Thyroid issue checked. Unfortunately, there was no major stuff going on with my thyroid. Basically, I’m perfectly healthy. What sucks is that the doctor invalidated my previous condition and said I only have ~anxiety which is the cause of my symptoms (excessive sweating and palpitations). I will seek professional help on this anxiety stuff anytime in the future.

Lastly, I played Grand Chase again and met someone in the game. Well technically we haven’t met yet but since then, I got used to talking with this guy and he is part of my daily routine now. I won’t spoil much details but as soon as this is all over, I can’t wait to meet this person :)

*cue Grand Chase soundtrack*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoK0bAjsHoo

October

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEE! It was a typical birthday. I don’t have much realizations. If I had one, I need to think thoroughly again lol.

Busy with training on the new job and this has been the most challenging training I ever had since I started working.

NOVEMBER

WORK WORK WORK. Super stressed and my anxiety was on the roof. I thought of giving up already but then again it was too early to quit. I haven’t seen my full potential on this job yet and so I chose to keep on fighting.

I also finally got braces. Let’s get these smiles fixed.

December

WORK WORK WORK AGAIN. My work caused me a huge anxiety cause I was given high priority cases -.-But overall, I can say the holidays went great. I finally got to spend time with the family outside. Don’t worry cause we still practiced precautions and I guess it wouldn’t hurt to go out once in a while to have some fresh air. We went to the beach and pretty much that’s the highlight of this month.

Things are getting serious with this guy I’m talking about.. Seriously, he makes me happy every single day.

I also won in Christmas raffle. Oppo phone. (I have the odds in my favor when it comes to raffles lol)

Feels weird to celebrate this holiday too thinking a lot of hardships were experienced in the last few months of quarantine. I was thinking about all the lives lost by covid and hoping they are in the peaceful place now..

JANUARY (NOW)

After everything that happened, oddly the start of the year gives me a sense of hope. Sure I am still carrying the trauma 2020 gave me but I am slowly leaving all of them behind. I want a fresh start and I want to let go of the things that gave me pain. I don’t have solid resolutions just like in my teenage years. Guess I’m too old for that. Not saying it’s okay to not have plans for the future and just go with the flow but I promise to not be too hard on myself and to not pressure myself on the goals I haven’t achieved yet. It’s really a struggle to plan things ahead given the situation but as always, I will do my best. I will stop comparing my progress to somebody else’s cause everyone has their own timeline.

I will listen to my heart and my mind to determine the things I really want. I promise to reevaluate the decisions I am making each day. I will not be afraid of making mistakes because that’s how I learn.

I am embracing my anxiety of uncertainty. It’s okay to feel afraid because I am always trying on how to overcome my fear. I strive each day because I am more than just a ball of anxiety. The palpitations.. the sweating.. they don’t define me. I have the power to control them and they won’t stop me from being the better version of myself.

HORROR

Mashobra is a small hamlet about thirteen kilometres from Himalayan town of Shimla an hour's drive from there through a winding ,twisting narrow moountainous road througha landscape of sheer virgin beauty. With the comping up of a whole lot of hotels guesthouses and resorts. it has become quite a crowded place today.Once this was no more than a peacefull little village situated in the middle of a thick coniferous forest- stark and glorious.Mashobra is my birthplace.Despite the fact that i spent only the first year of my life here i have a special attachment to it.THE lonely hills supporting a dense coniferous forest the lush undergrowth the exotic himalayan birds the glorious sunrise and sunset-they all hold a magical attraction for me.I love the intensemystical silence that gets interrupted only by the tweets of the birds,or by the chattering monkeys fighting inter troupe battles. And when the wind blow through the bush,it creates its own music-intensely haunting and hypnotizing.this pristine forest is timeworn-mony of these luxuriant deodars pines junipers, and oaks tall on these slopes have witnessed several generations come and go.they are mute witnesses to epochs of the known and the unknow history.Mystery is concealed in every nook and corner of these mesmerizing hills.I remember one episode from the time i was a little schoolgirl.I had gone with Pa to Mashobra,where he was presiding over a seminer at the GramSevak training centre.His seminar had continued unendingly ,leaving me bored and hungry.Our driver Sant ram offered to take me for crispy hot pakoras to a dhaba at talai abiut a kilometre away I jumped at the tempting proposal.An almost flat undulating patch of the grassland,that steadily rose up into a hillock to the south and subsided into a gradual velley to the north,talai was a very alluring playground.I chased butterflies around a small insignificant pond of green thick scum of moss, while hot pakoras were being freshly fried for me at the dhaba. Once we sat down to eat, Sant Ram informed me,"you knows ,baby ji entine area acquires its name from this humble pool-Talai ""oh". My eyes roved around to unearth more mysteries.I than spotted a large mansion hidden behind a thick cluster of trees at the top of the hillock.Who lives that house, SantRam?""That's the faridkot estate owned by the Raja of Faridkot.Faridkot is an panjabi."  Hmm Visible from the dhaba was also a dilapidated house."Why is that house so broken and worn out?No one lives there?" I asked, enjoying a hot pokara in yummy tamarind chutney."Oh Baby ji, it is supposed to be a bhootia banngla a haunted house."I stopped munching. my interst in a ghost made me forget how famished I was. Ieyed the house in an entirely new perspective.curiosity and fear were two strong contenders in my young mind producing goose pimples all over my little body but I allowed my curiosity to override. Hesitating a little, i asked, Really ? Teel me about it.Sant Ram was quiet for a few seconds .He must have been making up his mind whether to tell me the story."there had been a terrible fire here long ago." I watched the dhaba owner nod spiritedly. His upheld opinion added more flavour to the story.I now noticed the blackened stone structure and the frameless windows and doors-whatever had survived the assault of fire and time. Sant Ram elaborated,"the fire broke out at night. the lady living alone in it was fast asleep and was burnt alive. Some think the fire was started deliberately-asabotage. IT is belived that her spirit lives in the house.""Who was the lady? Didn't she have children?" "No, no children. She was very close to the Raja, hos special friend, you know-girlfriend. He had given her this house."Sant Ram explained with a meaningful smile. He thought I would not understand. But I had instantly perceived what he meant;the way he exchanged glances with the dhaba owner. " But , no one dares to touch the house. people who tried had bad experiences once they began removing the wreckagr."What bad experience, Sant Ram? i insisted timorously .it would be a nice ghost story to tell to my friend."They fell ill, or had nightmars i which a woman  told them to leave her house alone etcetera ." Sant Ram's pursed lips and enlarged eyes unnerved me, which he didn't notice. "No one dares to repair or live in that house,despite it being located at a very prime site.All of a sudden, it occurred to me that the ghost was perhaps watching me from the ruins. My little body shivered.I hurriedly gobbled the leftover pakoras. "Sant Ram, please take me back to pa." the house, seemingly right out of a horror story had begun to frighten me.Much later,when I was a young collage girl, I come to know about a creepier supernatural incident that had transpired here in Mashobra many year ago with someone very close to my family. It happned before I was born In 1952 at the behest of the government at new delhi, a Gram Sevak Training Centre came up at Mashobra and Pa was appointed its first principal. My family lived on the first floor of the main building. its ground floor had the administrative offices. The lecture rooms and the auditorium were housed in an adjacent building. The Students' hostal and the staff quarters were about a kilometre walk down the hill near the famous coutts garden.The student and staff community wasn't a large one.There were about twenty students and six members of the teaching faclty. only one of the lecturers ,Raj Vaidya, was married. It was a mid-january evening of the year 1953. Dark clouds had descended like a gigantic rolling ocean in the sky.It had been snowing non-stop for the past two days.Two feet of frozen vapour covered the land scape,hiding all colours under its white caps.The bitter cold had restrained folks inside their home.The students and the teaching staff of the centre were on two months long winter break. only my family and some of the administrative staff had remained behind at the Centre.The deserted expanse was even more desolate now and over whelmingly silent.It was well after dinnertime.My parents were in the sitting room warming their feet in the dying fire at the fireplace and exchanging notes on the day's events before retiring for the night. they were jolted out of their reverie by a loud knock on the door. " I wonder who has come at this time.,"  Pa got up from his chair to check on the unexpected caller. When the door was opned in breezed a draught of chilled wind and centre's compounder krishan das Negi. wrapped in a blanket over his khadi coat, BUSHEBRI cap and a home knit woollen muffler he stood shivering with a worried frown creasing his brow. Pa quickly shut the door.  "I am worried about Hari ram's health," Pa later expressed to Ma. he looked so ghostly pale.I wonder what's wrong with him then he added hope the doctor on duty is efficient.By lunchtime there was still no news of the sick man if everything went well they should have reched the hospital by ten thirty, Maybe eleven even if they went slowly." Pa eyed the telephone."I had specifically asked Krishan to call me.Why hasn't he?'His restlessness made Ma concerned for him."Why don't you call the hospital?. she posed."I have tried the hospital reception,Can't get through."Pa shook his head dejectedly."they must have got busy looking after the patient,or maybe the telephone there is out of order.You know it's very common in winters.WIRES SNAG." Ma tried to put his mind at ease.She wanted keep them away from this unfortunate death. they were too tnder to be exposed.It was later that details were divulged to her.of about four miles when they came across a huge mound of snow completely bloking the road It was a minor avalanche but couldn't be cleared without the help of the public work department. but there was stranded on the orther side of the blockade agreed to return to shimla and arrange for the required. Hari Ram condition continued to deteriorate. his body went into tremors and he began to get disoriented. By and by he went silent. the men accompanying him thought he had fallen asleep.The temperature was dropping fast and the light was fading. they waited and waited for someone to arrive to clear the road.None came when Krishan tried walking Hari Ram up, to make him drink some tea, he realized he wasn't hotnanymore. Had the fever subsided? He then realized Hari Ram wasn't breathing.he trived reviving him all in vain Hari Ram's spirit had long been released and his body now lay lifeless.Hari Ram belonged to a remote village in theog tebsil of Himachal. He had lost both his parents ,however his two older brothers still lived in the village with their families.Pa telephoned the agriculture inspector posted at theog, asking him to inform Hari Ram's family of the misforture. He expected Hari Ram broyhers to take his body to their village for the last rites.Meanwhile the body was kept buried in snow for two days. when even by the thidr day nobody reached Mashobra to claim the body, pa sent another urgent message. Pa quickly shut the door."What brings you here at this time,Krishna?" Krishna rubbed his ice-cold hands."Sir,Hari Ram is running a very high fever for the past two days,and it's showing no sings of subsiding.I have been giving him paracetamol table every four hours since yesterday but it hasn't made any difference ti his fever. There is no cough no running nose." Hari Ram was the peon at the centre. "Stomach infection?" Pa asked ."No, Sir. No diarrhoea, no vomiting. He's complaining of a severe headache though.i fed him half a slice of bread and half a cup of ter with great difficulty.He hasn't eaten anything else the entire day. I don't know what is wrong with him .I checked his temperature before comeing to you. it was 105`fahrenheit since the evening he has also been blabbering incoherently he's very serious SIR he need to see a doctor.Hmm we must admit him in a hospital immediately. Pa shook his head worriedly."It is too late now, sir. driver pitamber has left and his house is three kilometters away There is no way we can take Hari Ram to the hospital now.'Oh NOT much can be done immediately in this bad weather keep cold compressess on his forehead and try to keep his fever down.If his condition doesn't improve by the morning go and fetch pitamber from his house and take himto SHIMLA, TO Snowdon hospital.Krishna appeared dismayed. it wouldn't br easy to plod through mounds of snow early in the morning in the bitter cold especially if he was going to be looking after the patient the entire night. Pitamber should be reporting on duty around nine. Sir. Even if I leave at seven to call him we can't be back before nine .'YOU forget Krishan,tomorrow is sunday. pitamber will not be coming. go as early as you can. Let's not take chances." oh yes, sir I WILL leave as soon as I can." And Krishan once again retreated into the dark cold night. there was no improvement in weather conditions the next morning. It was a daRK COLD AND blustery day. around nine there were noise of hectic activity outside. The frozen engine of the jeep took consistent effort and warm weter to come to like.Krishan and Pitamber brought Hari Ram on a chair and lifted him into the jeep. He had lost tremendous weight in just a few days and looked so pallid that Pa was taken aback. A STRANGE abnormal look in his eyes was frightening. Despite his condition he threw a weak smile at Pa. "you" ll be fine Hari Ram, Pa assured him be strong.Hari Ram nodded faintly. I ll be back soon he whispered.Pa stroked his head.of couse,you ll be!Before they left pa gave Krishan strict instructions,"Call me as soon as you reach the hospital.I wiill speak with the doctor on duty." though he personally knew a few doctors at the hospital he also knew that it being sunday not many doctors would be available at the hospital except the ones on emergency duty. THE clock tricked on. there was no information about hari ram's health even by the evening.Finally at five o' clock, Pa had enough of waiting around in tension.grabbing his overcoat he got into his snowshoes."where are you going in this cold? It'll be dark soon."Ma eyed him check.""You can't walk till the hospital,ten miles away in this snow,"Ma expressed her apprehension."No,I am not going to the hospital.Of course not! Will just walk till talai.I need some exercise."Ma nodded. A short walk would do him good ease him out a little. she ardently prayed for hari ram's health as she stood at the window watching Pa trudge through the snow. he had been away for barely fifteen minutes when Ma rushed out on hearing the sound of an approaching vehicle. It was the centere's jeep as she had expected Pa alighted from it.He looked pape and immensely miserable. In an instant Ma realized that things weren't good.Pitamber got off and rushed to help other from the back of the jeep.Krishan was next to dismount.Then both of them removed hari ram from the jeep.he was wrapped in a sheet from head to toe."Oh my God! What happened? Ma was shaken and upset."Sorry, memsahib we couldn't bring him back alive,"Krishan spoke through his choked throat. tears streamed down his cheeks. pitamber sobbed openly "He was such a wonderful man. why did he have to go so early?"Ma closed her eyes and silently prayed for the departed.the handsome cheerful face of Hari Ram hovered for the departed.The handsome cheerful face of Hari Ram hovered before her eyes.He was too young to die.After the intial shock she hurried inside to her children.The body couldn't be kept forever .this time he was told that hari ram's family was finding it difficult to travel due to the blocked roads.It was left on Pa to undertake the required ceremonies. Early next morning a priest was arranged. he came reluctantly;he couldn't be blamed. It hadn't stopped snowing for the past four days. More than three feet of snow covered the entire expanse of the town, draping it in white as if in mourning for the departed.Hari Ram's body was taken in the jeep to the cremation grounds. Clearing a small patch. they made the funeral pyre under a makeshift tin roof. It become very difficult to light the damp wood. finally krishan consigned the body to flames after a great struggle and many tins of ghee. the priest half-heartedly chanted mantras for the peace of the departed soul and shivered continuously in the cold. As if this wasn't enough a raging blizzard struck soon after the pyre was lit. blinded by the snow crystals, they all had to beat a hasty retreat.THE next day when krishan and pitamber went to the cremation ground, they were stumped. Hari Ram's body hadn't burnt completely. the keeper of the cremation ground had neglected his job of watching over the burning pyre. they were now in a dilemma ."the best thing now will be to do the needful in haridwar suggested krishan. Hari Ram's remains were anyway to be taken to haridwar as customary in hindu religion."how will we take these half burnt remains there? Pitamber probed. "The interstate bus service has been suspended dee to the snowstorms. And ,i don't think I  can take the risk of driving through this strom.We'll get stranded for sure so don't even make that suggestion to principal sahib."Neither were the remain in a condition to be kept for too long. the keeper of the cremation grounds suggested burying the remains of hari ram in a suitable place realizing it to be the most expendient proposal in the given circumstances the men complied and kept silent over the whole affair.Early march with the culmination of the winter break the hustle-bustle of the insitute was restored. In the close knit community of the centre the death of a young man was shocking-almost unbelievable. Hari Ram's affable smile happy go lucky persona and free spirit had fetched him lots of friends among the staff and students. Now he was so far away from them all.A condolence meeting was held which held which was attended by all except one person associated with the community. Raj Vaidya a senior staff member had returned without his family. his wife neema had stayed back to spend more time with her parents looking after the younger doughter just a few months old was easier with the help of her mother .

the routine at the institute resumed. the cold began to wane and with it the memory of the departed. A new man replaced the deceased and life's routines continued.Summers arrived in may and Neema Vaidya returned home.the day temperature were comfortable twenty five degree and the night were cool the bright sunshine had begun to spread its golden warm cape over the mountains. the honeysuckle creeper scrambling up on one of the pillars in her house's portico was in full bloom and had spread its heavenly aroma far and wide. THE chestnut tree was once again filled with prickly fruits the apple,plum,and apricot tree on the hilly terraces were laden with small unripe fruits. May 10,1953 around four in the afternoon- the routine bustle in the students' hospital adjoining Neema's house was missing usually the students returned after classes around this time but presently the annual examinations were going on and today's paper was scheduled for the afternoon. IT would finish at five her husband was on invigilation duty and hadn't come home for lunch.the hectic toil since the morning had exhausted the mother of two children ever since her exhausted the mother of two children ever since her return a few days ago her seven=months=old  chitra had been a bit cranky taking time to adjust to her new environment her three-year-old veera was happy to be back with her father and in an overly playful mood. today much to her relief both her gils had decided on a long afterniin nap.It was a warm languorous afternoon inducing drowsiness and Neema took advantage of the opportunity. A short nap of half an hours was very rejuvenating.Once up she decided to finish her knitting. There was no season in shimla when the children could do without woollens. opening the window of her sitting room wider to enjoy a fresh cool breeze she sat down on an easy chair facing the window with her knitting. She must have been at her work for berely five minutes when she dropped a stitch and got focused on retrieving it. it was then that she heard a voice.someone greeted her from the open window."How are you,Memsa'ab?"She raised her eyes from her task to check on the visitor a man in a loose whitish shirt stood just outside the open window. oh hari ram ? I'm fine. seen you after a long time how are you?""how's veera?""Children are doing well thank you."i'll take veera with me."thank you hari ram not now she's sleeping. with great difficulty she went to sleep."Neema smiled."Maybe later in the evening you can take her to play outside. Hari ram nodded and left.She found nothing amiss except hari ram had sounded very different his voice was much deeper and distant as if he was making an effort to speak.

Hari Ram had often looked after looked after Veera. He was such a fine person.After chitra had been born he had been a big help when neema was struggling alone with the household chores and her children before she had gone home to mandi for winters he had come so often whenever he had some free time at hand. He loved to play with her little girls, especially veera-a very happy and lively child ,and very pretty with lovely pinkish complexion and large expressive hazel eyes. ever since she had learnt to talk she had become a non-stop chatterbox.Neema would smile seeing Hari Ram burst into laughter at her baby prattle.It 'll be nice if Hari Ram came in the evening to take veera out to play. Raj will come tried, and probably won't have the energy, Neema reflected and continued to knit blithely.Raj came home late the evening around six thirty.Students had appeared in his subject's exam that day, so it had taken him some time to count the papers and make the bundles.With the bundles under his arm,he reached home with the intention of starting to correct immediately,after his usual cup of tea. THE children were up and playful.it was a pleasure to come back home to his lovely family.the couple sat down to their evening tea in the dining corner of their sitting room Little chitra was happing gurgling in her father's lap and veera was making all efforts to climb onto his lap too.What an attention seeker she's becoming! wouldn't let her father have A cup of tea peacefully. Neema gently held the child's hand and pulled her towards her. Veera go and play with your toys.No, I want to sit on papa's lap. You take chitra away , the three-year-old persisted."Papa is tired,beta.""No,papa is not tired.He will play with me.""Now,don't be an adamant child,and come here,"the mother chaged her tone to sound firmLet her be Neema. She needs an outing. though I need to start correcting the papers,I'll take the girls out a while after I finish the tea."No, you don't have to. you can do your corrections .Hari ram said he would come to take veera out to play.He's late. Maybe he's on his way."Raj stared at her. 'What? what did you say?'"Hari Ram had come in the afternoon, around four. I told him to come in the evening and take Veera out to play,"Neema reiterated. She couldn't understand the changed expression on her husband's face. she lifted her cup to take a sip."Are you sure it was hari ram the peon?It could have been someone else,"Raj spoke gingerly. Neema put her cup down on the saucer.why someone else?don't I know Hari Ram? He used to take veera out to play so aften and at times help me with the household work. It could have been the new peon who has joined recently Raj affirmed despite his doubts.He know that the new peon was nowhere close to resembling hari ram.He was short short and stout unlike the deceased man moreover Neema hadn't even met the new peon.  what wrong with raj? Does be think I can't recognize people well? why are you saying that?Being away for a few months has not made me forget Hari Ram's face."when did he last come to help you?Raj spoke warily his heart in his mouth.beads of perspiration had collected on his brows.Neema remained unawere of it all."Hmm... He come after a long time today. Neema frowned and than said,"In fact for the first time since my return from mandi. "did he come in-inside the house?" Neema wondered why raj sounded so anxious and afraid NO, he stood outside at the window. children were asleep so I didn't feel the need to let him in. Though he will come now; he said so Neema sipped tea and watched Raj looking at the window as if it was something out of the world. why was he acting so weied? The window was still open. beyond it the twilight was slowly slipping into night. Only the pillar was faintly visible in the grey haze the cool breeza of the mountains streamed in generously through the window wafting in a little chill. Neema couldn't grasp what was making Raj so nervous,He was trying to stand but couldn't since veera sat at his feet.Neema please hurry shut the window. The desperation in his voice was palpable. Why does be want to shut out the lovely breeza? Neema relucatantly got up. she peeped out of the window. the fragrance of the blooming flowers was heavenly. she took a deep breath and lingered at the window for a few seconds.Neema shut the window Raj's voice rumbled a mixture of concern and fear.OKay I'm closing it why are you getting so worked up? Neema grudgingly closed and bolted the window and returned to finish her tea she frowned when she took a ship It had gone cold She liked to drink it hot she peeped inti Raj's empty cup and then picked up her cup and moved towards the kitchen to reheat it. Raj was sitting absolutely still on his chair looking pale and distrubed. What gone wrong with his mood Neema wondered would you like another cup of tea, dear.?NO, When Neema returned with her steaming cup refilled, she found Raj still sitting frozen in the same pose as she had left him. He was tightly holding in the same pose as she had left him.He was tightly holding on to his daughters. chitra was peacefully playing with her father's tie. Veera had lovingly rested her head on his chest and was sucking her thumb.Is something the metter?Are you not feeling well?"Neema sat down with her cup of tea.I relly don't understand.....understand what?, Neema lifted her cup and brought it close to her lips.Hari Ram is dead."What rubbish! He was here around four in the evening ." She frowned. She was about to take a sip but her hand froze in mid air."Did he die after that? He seemed all right. Was it an accident "NO. he died this winter, when we were away, Raj spoke slowly guardedly. he didn't want to frighten Neema. but he hadn't chosen the right moment. A choked scream escaped Neema's throat. she dropped the cup with its hot tea on her lap, scalding her thighs. the cup rolled down crashed on the floor, and broke into fragment. the children got frightened at the clattering and their mother's sudden reaction. they begen to wail. Neema's vision automatically traversed to the window. She was relieved it was shut. She was shivering and her burnt thighs hurt. But she remained glued to the chair. The couple gazed at each other. Had Neema known about the man's death and then had seen his ghost, it could have been taken as a figment of her imagination a hallucination. but she had no inkling to the fact that Hari Ram had died while he was away to mandi. No one had bothered to let her know for Hari Ram was a forgotten man now out of most lives  and minds. After comforting their daughters, the couple rushed to the little shrine in the corner of their bedroom. they lit a lamp burnt a bunch of incense sticks and offered prayers for the peace of the wandering soul. they prayed for the safety of their daughters. "Please protect us. No harm should ever come to our little family," They appealed to God. Later when Neema went to the kitchen to cook dinner, her husband followed her with his daughter still held protectively in his arms. The silence around their house felt unnerving. The students were busy preparing for the next day's exam and there wasn't the usual bustle around. Neema loudly and continuously incanted hymns to keep the restive spirit a bay. She could berely give attention to her cooking. As they sat down for dinner ,Raj expressed, "Neema, let's just keep quiet over the incident. There in no need to spread panic among the students. Most will not believe us anyway. Neema nodded. there was hardly anybody here with whom she shared that kind of rapport except with Mrs. Sharma the principal's wife she was like a older sister. But if Raj was insisting there most be a good reason for not disclosing it unless the ghost appeared tp more people, it may be a good idea to keep it a secret. The next few weeks went by smoothly. There were no unwanted visits no eerie visitor. the dread and dismay to fade from their lives. The routine at the training centre went on undisturbed. NONE except the couple had the knowledge about a wandering spirit among them. but they had prayed for its peace and perhaps that had its effect Hopefully the spirit had gone to its eternal rest. The examination at the school were over and the results were declared. The students prepared to go home. the first year batch on annual vacations whereas the graduates would soon jobs. the weather was warmer than the previous month. the weather was previous month the bushes on the hills were filled with vibrant blooms. their exotic, heavenly fragrance infused hearts with joy. Pa decided to organize a special treat for his students and a ferewell for the outing batch. After some deliberation He came to the conclusion that nothing would be more appealing to the young folks than the Indian Cinema.IT was very rare for the residents of this far-removed mountainous region to be able to watch a movie. the nearest cinema hall was in shimla, not easily accessible to all. Also it would be a big hassle to take everyone to a theatre at shimla. So, he decided to bring a cinema hall to the institution. He spoke with the director of the public relations department and he agreed to send his moblie cinema van complete with a screen projector and spools of the latest hindi film.Aankben starring bharat bhushan and nalini jaywant. He would also send along his technicians to set up a mini cinema hall for a day.When the announcement was made about the show there was an air of excitement in the campus. indian films becomes the hot topic for discussions the actors the movies songs and singers the debate kept on till the cinema van arrived on friday morning.Though the movie was to begin after lunch at two all students arrived from their hostel by ten in the morning as soon as the word spread that the cineama van had arrived on they requested the canteen owner to prepare early lunch and he happily obliged. HE didn't want to miss the show either So a picnic in the lawns before the moving got added to the entertainment a package.The technicians got busy setting up the moving theatre surrounded by a crowd of chattering curious excited students. By one thirty a big crowd had assembled outside the makeshift cinema hall word had spread in the two-mile radious and many families arrived uninvited for the show. So the movie was running a full house.Pa's contentment was marred by the fact that Ma wouldn't be joining him. she had developed a severe headache and had declared her inability to come. Another missing member was Neema vaidya. Her infant daughter was running a fever and she decided not to risk exposing her further. The machinery developed some snag and the movie show could begin only by two thirty.Once the black and white movie began the excited chatter instantly died down. Although the area around Neema's house was never a crowded zone due to the presence of the student community, its was seldom that still during the daytime.there would always be some kind of activity, sounds, and laughter around. Today, an overwhelming silence hovered on the region like hushed mist over a clam ocean. Ma swallowed a paractamol table with water and decieded to take's it easy. It was a rare opportunity to rest in the afternoon. All children including the hyper youngset, were away for at least three hours. She made hereself snug inside a quilt. Soon the medicine took effect and she was fast asleep.

A kilomettre away, Neema fed both her daughter. chitra had been restive since the morning; her fever made her cantankerous. Neema put nasal drops into her blocked nose,soothed her, sang her a lullaby and fimally managed to lull her to sleep. Veera was playing with her toys. her sleeping hours were decreasing day by day as her curious little mind was focused on the discovery mission.It was a lovely summer afternoon with a cool and pleasant breeza blowing gently. Neema opened the window to allow fresh air inside her bedroom. she stood there admiring the blooming flowers even though the intense silence in the area was making her uneasy. A fleeting memory of the eerie incident of last month crossed her mind but she immediately tossed it out. Hadn't they prayed ardently for the peace of Hari Ram's soul? She once again joined her hands and said a quick, silent prayer. But the loneliness depressed her today. She felt left out. She wanted to watch the movie. She had seen only two in her lifetime. that was before her children had been born. Raj hadn't even offered to stay back with the babies and allow her to go.But then he was needed to maintain discipline among the students. Neema heaved a deep sigh and withdrew from the window.Since Veera was up and playing, she couldn't lie down to rest even though her back felt stiff.There was some stitching left to be completed. She had been stitching dressess for her daughters. She kept the sewing machine on the tabe and sat down to work on it. An icy draught of air entered her room through the window. she shivered a little. the wheel of the hand-operated sewing machine continued moving in circles. The needle sewing machine continued moving in circles. the needle went up and down to attach the small bodice of the frock with the skirt.A sudden dimness in the light made her wonder if it was getting cloudy. she had her laundry drying on the clothesline outside. The weather in shimla was so unpredictable. the pre-monsoon rains would start any day, declaring an end to the divine summer season of shimla- her mind kept wandering from one thought to another. Her hands  deftly kept on stitching the dress.A stray dog enjoying the late afternoon sun in the porch suddenly whined breaking her thought process.The whining become distant. The dog had rushed away. Had someone hurt it?

The Changing Profile of Covid-19's Presenting Symptoms

As Ed Yong notes in his helpful overview of the pandemic, this is such a huge and quickly moving event that it's difficult to know what's happening. Lately, I've been seeking information on Covid-19 presenting symptoms after seeing a bunch of anecdotal data from various sources.

In the early days of the epidemic (January, February, and into March), people were told by the CDC and other public health officials to watch out for three specific symptoms: fever, a dry cough, and shortness of breath. In many areas, testing was restricted to people who exhibited only those symptoms. Slowly, as more data is gathered, the profile of the presenting symptoms has started to shift. From a New York magazine piece by David Wallace-Wells on Monday:

While the CDC does list fever as the top symptom of COVID-19, so confidently that for weeks patients were turned away from testing sites if they didn't have an elevated temperature, according to the Journal of the American Medical Association, as many as 70 percent of patients sick enough to be admitted to New York State's largest hospital system did not have a fever.

Over the past few months, Boston's Brigham and Women's Hospital has been compiling and revising, in real time, treatment guidelines for COVID-19 which have become a trusted clearinghouse of best-practices information for doctors throughout the country. According to those guidelines, as few as 44 percent of coronavirus patients presented with a fever (though, in their meta-analysis, the uncertainty is quite high, with a range of 44 to 94 percent). Cough is more common, according to Brigham and Women's, with between 68 percent and 83 percent of patients presenting with some cough -- though that means as many as three in ten sick enough to be hospitalized won't be coughing. As for shortness of breath, the Brigham and Women's estimate runs as low as 11 percent. The high end is only 40 percent, which would still mean that more patients hospitalized for COVID-19 do not have shortness of breath than do. At the low end of that range, shortness of breath would be roughly as common among COVID-19 patients as confusion (9 percent), headache (8 to 14 percent), and nausea and diarrhea (3 to 17 percent).

Recently, as noted by the Washington Post, the CDC has changed their list of Covid-19 symptoms to watch out for. They now list two main symptoms (cough & shortness of breath) and several additional symptoms (fever, chills, repeated shaking with chills, muscle pain, headache, sore throat, new loss of taste or smell). They also note that "this list is not all inclusive". Compare that with their list from mid-February.

In addition, there's evidence that children might have different symptoms (including stomach issues or diarrhea), doctors are reporting seeing "COVID toes" on some patients, and you might want to look at earlier data from these three studies about symptoms observed in Wuhan and greater China.

The reason I'm interested in this shift in presenting symptoms is that on the last day or two of my trip to Asia, I got sick -- and I'm been wondering if it was Covid-19.

Here's the timeline: starting on Jan 21, I was in Saigon, Vietnam for two weeks, then in Singapore for 4 days, and then Doha, Qatar for 48 hours. The day I landed in Doha, Feb 9, I started to feel a little off, and definitely felt sick the next day. I had a sore throat, headache, and congestion (stuffy nose) for the first few days. There was also some fatigue/tiredness but I was jetlagged too so... All the symptoms were mild and it felt like a normal cold to me. Here's how I wrote about it in my travelogue:

I got sick on the last day of the trip, which turned into a full-blown cold when I got home. I dutifully wore my mask on the plane and in telling friends & family about how I was feeling, I felt obliged to text "***NOT*** coronavirus, completely different symptoms!!"

I flew back to the US on Feb 11 (I wore a mask the entire time in the Doha airport, on the plane, and even in the Boston airport, which no one else was doing). I lost my sense of taste and smell for about 2 days, which was a little unnerving but has happened to me with past colds. At no point did I have even the tiniest bit of fever or shortness of breath. The illness did drag on though -- I felt run-down for a few weeks and a very slight cough that developed about a week and a half after I got sick lingered for weeks.

According to guidance from the WHO, CDC, and public health officials at the time, none of my initial symptoms were a match for Covid-19. I thought about getting a test or going to the doctor, but in the US in mid-February, and especially in Vermont, there were no tests available for someone with a mild cold and no fever. But looking at the CDC's current list of symptoms -- which include headache, sore throat, and new loss of taste or smell -- and considering that I'd been in Vietnam and Singapore when cases were reported in both places, it seems plausible to me that my illness could have been a mild case of Covid-19. Hopefully it wasn't, but I'll be getting an antibody test once they are (hopefully) more widely available, even though the results won't be super reliable.

february book round up

13 books this month. (haha, half of what i read in january, but i knew i wasn’t going to duplicate that, no way.) a pretty mixed bag.

in praise of shadows - junichiro tanizaki ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ a really really interesting non fiction work on japanese versus western aesthetics, the use of shadows and light, darkness and exposure. talks about architecture, art, people, culture, theatre... i enjoyed this a lot.

beneath a scarlet sky - mark sullivan ⭐️⭐️⭐️ a good story, extremely badly told. it’s a novel of italy in wwii, following a young man who falls in love, guides jews to switzerland, becomes a spy... a lot happens. it’s heavily based the true story of pino lella’s life but man the author should have stuck to bare facts (even if there weren’t many) because his writing is... not good. not structurally, or narratively, or just his prose.

the fever king - victoria lee ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ this book gave me the always frustrating horror of showing kids being manipulated by adults and the kids don’t know it but you the reader do know it and it’s AGONY. queer teen scifi in a dystopian future where magic manifests as a sickness and those who overcome it develop powers. the world-building was really really interesting, the writing was tight, the characters were amazing. THEY’RE MY KIDS NOW. really looking forward to the sequel.

yellow crocus - laila benjamin ⭐️⭐️⭐️ another well meaning book, lovingly told, but badly told. a novel about an enslaved black wet nurse and her charge, the white daughter of her master, with whom she develops a deep motherly bond. the novel follows them from lisbeth’s (the child) birth to the birth of her own child.you can tell that a lot of research and care and love went into this book, and it didn’t skeeve me off in the usual ways that books about slavery written by non-black people usually do... but it just wasn’t very well written.

boystown 2 - marshall thornton ⭐️⭐️⭐️ second set of stories about a gay private eye solving mysteries in the 80s. in this instalment, nick juggles things with his sort-of-not-really boyfriend, gets complicated feelings about his ex-boyfriend, and has bunch of sex with a bunch of guys who aren’t either of those men. interesting mysteries once again, though one of them kinda ticked me off.

no two ways - chi yu rodriguez ⭐️⭐️⭐️ contemporary f/f romance about a bi girl who hooks up with a lesbian and starts falling for her pretty quickly... but then finds out she’s a huge biphobe. this was good...? but the leads had almost no chemistry, it took too long for jackie to get an attitude change, and when she did, she got off way too easily.

northanger abbey - jane austen ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ fun stuff, very enjoyable. i really like how austen does humour, and there’s some good stuff in here about sexist microaggressions and the art of novels. and i really liked the hero.

proper english - k.j. charles ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ AHHHHHH. i really like k.j. charles, and i was SO EXCITED when i found out she’d dipped her toes into f/f romance. this was wonderful. a very satisfying mystery, the kind that gives all the right hints and clues and allows the reader to figure it out if they’re paying attention, but introduces just enough doubt that you’re not sure. and the characters! the romance! i loved these two women in their first appearance in ‘think of england’ I LOVED THEM EVEN MORE HERE. pat’s assertiveness, fen’s flirtiness... gah.

perfect rhythm - jae ⭐️⭐️⭐️ contemporary f/f/ romance with an ace protag. very cute, if a bit... idk wooden at times? in the writing, the way asexuality was talked about, some of the delivery of the jokes. it definitely wasn’t bad; the characters were complicated and flawed in real ways, and i feel like their romance progressed very naturally, and it was super fulfilling in the end. it just needed a little something more, writing-wise. also, did not enjoy the way it treated the closeted side character. :/

the gentleman and the rogue - bonnie dee & summer devon ⭐️⭐️ this book made me realise... i don’t think i’ve ever read a fiction book written by two authors that i thoroughly enjoyed? i just don’t gel with most people’s approaches to co-writing. not that that was the only thing wrong with this book. historical m/m romance between a veteran lord and the guttersnipe he hires as his new valet. i don’t like rich/poor romance where the rich person doesn’t buy a clue, i don’t like structural inequality played straight, i don’t like plots that are so thin it seems like the author didn’t want to write one. and the writing itself left much to be desired.

scrap metal - harper fox ⭐️⭐️⭐️ really sweet contemporary m/m romance set on a small scottish island, between a phd student who has suddenly been called back to work on the farm he grew up on, and the mysterious man who shows up on the farm in the middle of the night. i really like harper fox’s writing; she can sometimes have the loveliest way with words. and the romance was super well done. my nitpicks with this book are kinda silly but i had them all the same. it hit some squicks of mine and also i really don’t like when harper fox slips in the paranormal as a side-element int he books. why? i don’t know! but i don’t like it.

switchback - s.w. andersen ⭐️⭐️ i only got this audiobook because i really like nicol zanzarella, the narrator. and i mean it’s lesbian romance featuring a mountain bike rider and a chiropractor? neat right? wrong, it was boring and badly written. alas! man i hate omniscient pov, especially for romance.

mama black widow - iceberg slim ⭐️⭐️⭐️ semi-biographical novel of a black drag queen living in the ghettos of 1960s chicago. follows him from childhood to his prime to his decline, with a heavy focus on his childhood and relationship with his mother and the many tragedies that befell him and this family. heavy focus on race, sexuality, and violence. (don’t go into this without hella warnings.) i enjoyed it, mostly, though i felt that doylist misogyny coming through hard. it was written in the 1960s and it shows lol.

and that’s it for february. i started a new job today and probably won’t have a lot of reading time, but i’ll continue to do as much audiobooking as i can on public transportation. currently doing a reread of the hobbit, which i 100% started as a self comfort thing, and will probably be ready very sparsely throughout the month. going to start a hundred little lies. 

Rutger Hauer has passed, and is on his way through the stars, toward the shoulder of Orion and the Tannhauser Gate.

He gave himself to the world of film and created characters which will continue to inspire the people lucky enough to share in the dreams he left behind.

I wrote this a couple years ago - and maybe it’s time to look at it again.

Thank you Mr Hauer for leaving this place a little brighter for your having been here.

Good journey, peace at last.....

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January 8, 2016

It's Roy Batty's birthday.

Ridley Scott's 1982 movie - Blade Runner - cast Rutgers Hauer as the renegade Replicant in search of his maker.

The film was a brilliant adaptation of Philip K Dick's "Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?"

Roy and a small group of Nexus-6 Replicants, have stolen an off-world transport, killed the crew, and returned to earth - in an attempt to coerce their designer to extend their programmed four-year lifespan. January 8, 2016 was the day of Roy's inception, and also the day his genetic coding has scheduled him for death.

He is being hunted by Harrison Ford, as hired-gun Deckard - a Blade Runner - paid to track and kill escaped Replicants.

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In 1982 - the idea of the year 2016 was a mind-numbing distance away.

"The Future" was a place where anything was possible, and our wildest dreams would come true.

It seems like yesterday.

And yet, when I started thinking about the world I inhabited in '82, and where I've washed up on the shores of 2016 - it's been quite an extended sea voyage.

I was married to somebody else.

We walked into town to the little movie theater on Central Avenue, and as we moved to our seats, were told by the usher ( yeah, that's right - there were still ushers ) -"You shouldn't even bother with this movie. It stinks. Four people at the last show actually asked for their money back."

We loved it.

Minds were blown - and we went back two more times, bringing friends.

That Christmas Eve - I had a small stroke. I was 26.

At the time, I was more worried about how the news would affect my husband - and did not fully appreciate my own predicament. He overheard the doctor on the phone making arrangements for what was then, the only echocardiogram machine in the New York area.

"Is that about you?" He asked. I nodded.

My husband passed out cold on the waiting room floor.

I survived. Had test after test after test, and slowly got my left side back under my own control.

Time passed.

We tried for the baby - and a series of horrors led to the loss of pregnancy, and culminated with a 3:00 AM visit to the emergency room.

The husband was so upset - he left me by the hospital entrance, and drove home.

When he inevitably decided that he needed "space" and wanted to "take a break" -(clearly, his office-affair had nothing to do with this decision ) - I used the time to take a good long look at the marriage.

When he came back three months later - I was not the girl he had walked out on.

The world had changed, and so had the locks.

-------------------------------------------------

I moved into the West Village with a girlfriend. It was awkward having a roommate after having a husband, home, and mortgage - but I made it work.

An unusual boyfriend followed, and several years of actors, artists, and cabaret performers filled my days and nights.

It was Manhattan in the '80's. There were nights out spent dancing at the clubs til dawn.

The Met was open late on Friday nights, and my group of fellow oddballs wandered the museum halls every week for over a year.

Art and illustration was my livelihood. I knew everyone in the Village ( at least by sight) and was completely comfortable in my element.

But my friends got sick.

And my friends started dying.

AIDS ravaged the world.

The Village was ground zero, and everyone was terrified. We didn't know where it was coming from, didn't know how to cope with the skeletal friend, the friend covered with sarcoma blotches - was it the end of the world?

In many ways - yes. It was.

The best, brightest, most talented people on earth were dying out - and all I could do was hold hands at the bedside, and attend memorial services.

There was a three month period when I went to a service EVERY SINGLE WEEK.

My dearest friend, Bruce - I never even knew when he was well. We were fellow illustrators, and spent hours a day with phone cocked between shoulder and ear - talking while we drew in our separate studios. He was in Chelsea, I was on the corner of Perry and West Fourth.

We brought children's books to life, and loved the work.

As AIDS ravaged his body, he needed to take long naps in the afternoons. His fever would spike uncontrollably - he called it "Shake and Bakes."

He fussed over the ugly sarcoma lesions which appeared on his arms and hands - he found a theatrical makeup which he swore would cover them up so that nobody would know.

Everybody pretended that it worked.

"Well, my sweet darling angel - I took a shower this morning, and guess what? I watched all my hair go down the drain."

Some medication he was taking, combined with what may have been a chemotherapy cocktail - took every hair on his head.

He entered the shower - with.

Exited - without.

He had been told this might be a possibility, and had already purchased a wig from a professional Broadway wig-maker.

It was awful looking, but we continued to pretend.

He slipped farther away, and was hospitalized on a closed floor reserved for AIDS patients.

I visited every single day.

I brought tiny gifts, saved up stories to make him laugh - and built my day around spending time with him.

His family wouldn't come and see him. Friends did their best, but simply couldn't be with him when push had finally come down to shove.

I remember shouting at his brother on the pay phone in the hospital hallway "I can't make this better. I'm not allowed to make decisions for his care, because I'm not a family member. He is dying, and you need to be here."

He wasn't.

I held Bru's hand, and wiped his forehead. I asked the nurse to turn up his oxygen because he was struggling and begging for air. "It's as high as it will go." she said - and even though it was time for all visitors to leave, she said I could stay.

The day before, he had spent time with a priest who had given him what I now believe was last rites. He seemed comforted, and we said what needed to be said.

"You know Bru....I will ALWAYS love you."

He smiled and said. "I know. And I will always love you too."

He took his last breath a little before midnight.

I closed his eyes.

Twenty seven years have passed since that night.

-----------------------------------------------

The unusual boyfriend fell victim to his own silliness. He convinced himself that another woman was sending him messages about being attracted to him - and he needed "some space" to explore the magic.

He did.

She didn't

And I was magically single again.

As 1990 dawned - the Internet had not been invented.

The cell phone - wasn't.

Video rental stores were visited daily, and made money hand-over-fist.

Blonde, Madonna, and all that wonderful 80's music that my kids now think is divine - were the sounds of the decade.

And I didn't quite trust CD's.....

Times Square was just beginning to shed the peep shows and adult movie houses.

It was gritty, and how I loved it.

July 4th of 1990 I found myself eating in the diner downstairs from my apartment on the corner of 14th St and Seventh Avenue.

It was empty.

I ate my bluefish dinner and went back upstairs to the drawing board.

One single red rocket cleared the rooftops and the stars rained down.

I was bored.

Decided to place a personal ad in The Village Voice. "Looking for an interesting conversation over a cup of coffee....." and some other minor nonsense.

Over 350 people responded in the three days I checked the answering machine.

"I've never answered a personal ad," said the voice on the phone."I live with a grey cat. And I'm reading DUNE. Maybe you could call me, and we'll get a cup of coffee?"

On our third date, he never went back home.

"You know what? It's getting kind of silly to keep paying for an apartment to keep my cat in...."

"So what are you saying?" I asked. "Are you asking to officIally move in here?"

" Nope. Let's get married. It'll be fun. I'm not exactly getting younger - either are you. Why not?"

"It'll either work - or it won't. What's the reason that we shouldn't at least TRY?"

He talked me into it.

Brian and I were married in the Cathedral of St John the Divine, three months after our first date. Twenty five years ago, last October.

Babies happened. Three in a row. "Irish triplets" as my obstetrician called them.

Quinn.

Morgan.

Maddie.

They were (and are ) the three finest people I have ever known - and are the center of my soul.

Brian and I survived critical fulcrum points where the smallest waver would have plunged all of us into hell.

We stared death in the face - death blinked, and looked away,

more than once.

We walked away from alcoholism.

Left cigarettes behind,

Did battle with depression,

and kept walking....

We've skated on the thinnest of financial ice for YEARS.

We've worked and worked and worked some more - and it was never going to be enough to keep the ship afloat.

The kids, as we've laughed over the years have "Never missed a meal."

Nothing was easy, but our youngest will be the third to graduate from college in the Spring. Yes, there are loans to be paid - and we'll do everything we can to help them gain traction in their lives.

About a year and a half ago we took a good hard look at where the road was leading us. Our ability to maintain the income necessary to support our lives in Westchester county, in a big house with a big mortgage - huge utility bills, and a dwindling job market - we came up with a plan.

The bank was unhappy with our syncopated mortgage payment schedule - and really wanted their house back. Things were sliding downhill, and we simply couldn't stop it.

"Let's take the money from my last free-lance job, and buy a house in Ireland."

Found one.

And did.

Sold the house in Westchester.

Packed up everything we could.

Got on the plane.

And here we are.

January 8th, 2016, and it's 1982 all over again.

The Replicant is out of time.

He sits high on the rooftops above the city, rain is pouring from the black skies - and Roy Batty,- in his last moment of life - knows what it is to be fully human.

"I've seen things, you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."

We all go through the motions. We get out of bed every day, and do our best to keep our lives and our families moving forward.

We work.

And plan.

And strive for happiness.

I'm no Roy - but I too, have seen things that will pass away with me when I go.

I, too, have learned what it is to be fully, and completely - human.

Life Changing Testimony

Lyme Disease | Anxiety | Postpartum Depression | Sinusitis | Low Energy | Child with Low Immune System

❌ Lyme Disease -- I've always thought of myself as an overall healthy person. I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease in 2013 and even though I went on antibiotics a month after contracting it (a whole month of being misdiagnosed by 4 different doctors), I would get headaches/migraines, joint pain, digestive issues, brain fog, and rashes after eating wheat. I took wheat out of my diet & my symptoms have overall subsided... But not 100%. I would continue to have low points of not being able to get out of bed and would wake up not knowing if I would have any of the issues I stated above for the day.

❌ Anxiety -- I wouldn't say I have had high anxiety throughout my life, but I noticed it more when I would be in larger social setting or when I overly worry/think about things. Fast forward to becoming a mom, I've never experienced anxiety like I have, especially having a son with medical issues his first 2 years of life.

❌ Postpartum Depression -- I am one of those who didn't realize I had postpartum depression until after the fact. After having my first son, I would be up at night finding myself crying when I was alone with him, having bad thoughts about something happening to my baby, & more sad and down than ever before. It wasn't until my son was 6 months that I looked back after having a conversation with my doctor and it hit me, I had postpartum depression. I was in complete denial. So, when I found out I was pregnant with my second son May 2018, my anxiety of having those feelings all came back. I was grateful I was more aware of it going forward into my next pregnancy.

❌ Sinusitis -- thanks Mom for the high cheek bones! 😆 For as long as I can remember, I go every fall & spring with a sinus infection. And every time, I load my body up with antibiotics. I have been diagnosed with sinusitis by my doctor & have been told I need surgery... Not happening.

❌ Low Energy -- two words: having kids. I thought I was an always tired person before having kids. But the energy level after you have kids is no joke. My first son wouldn't sleep through the night until he was over a year old & after he got tubes in his ears. So this momma has been sleep deprived like crazy!

❌ Child with a Low Immune System -- my first son was a BF baby until he was a year old. Even having the benefits from receiving breast milk, he still had 7 ear infections, sick & home from daycare every 3-4 weeks in 2017 alone. January 2018, he had ear tubes put in on a Monday, by Tuesday night he was lethargic and hard of breathing. We took him to the ER & was diagnosed with RSV & pneumonia. They transported him by ambulance to Children's Minneapolis. While laying on me in the ambulance, he had a febrile seizure. Just 2018 alone, he's had 3 febrile seizures, pneumonia 4x, and constantly sick with respiratory issues. He also suffers from allergies. (Cue mom's heightened anxiety). So, now he is on a nebulizer starting beginning of December 2018.

✨ I was introduced to Kyäni from one of my best friends fall of 2018. What sparked my interest most was that my son could benefit from it as well as myself. I only took Sunrise while pregnant, even then, I noticed my energy increased and felt like a better & more present mom. I also had low blood pressure from 24 weeks on & put as a fall risk. My blood pressure regulated after taking Sunrise. 🙌 Since being on TOH end of January 2019 (postpartum 2nd son), I've not had one headache or migraine, normal digestion, no joint pain, mental clarity, & no postpartum depression (this is HUGE for me)! In addition, little to no anxiety, no sinus issues this spring (so far), and my sleep is amazing!! Even with getting up with a newborn every 3-5 hours, I'm still able to go back to sleep easier and wake up feeling rested! 😀

My son has not been home sick with any respiratory issues & if he does get a bug, there's been no fever and minimal symptoms. I am so happy his depreciated immune system is finally getting the nutrients it needs to boost it.

I'm so thankful to my friend for introducing me to amazing healthy living nutritional supplements + charity company. I've enjoyed seeing what these products have done for not only my family but others I'm close with as well. I'm excited to see where it takes our family with less sickness & making more memories together as a family. ✨

Pre-Stem Cell Harvest Thoughts

Forgive me for this long post as I have nothing else to do in the hospital but to wait until my stem cells can be harvested. I am on Day 15 at the hospital and hopefully soon, my stem cells can be harvested already then after a month, the stem cell transplant will happen. I have so many thoughts going on in my head that sometimes I could not sleep.

Will I beat cancer again?

Can my body handle all the toxic chemicals being infused for me to get better?

Will I ever not worry about cancer coming back?

Can my family ever recover from this sickness?

Why is it so hard to beat cancer?

When will I get out of this hospital?

When will I go back to work?

When does the suffering end?

Diagnosis

Being diagnosed the first time was the worst day of my life. And being diagnosed the second time around is the hardest and also the worst day of my life. Just after putting all my efforts in rebuilding my life, cancer struck me out of nowhere. I knew I had to be vigilant that’s why I never let a simple pain be forgotten. That’s how life is after cancer. I feel like I am walking on eggshells – I have to be careful not to trigger anything. What triggers cancer anyway? We wouldn’t know. I still don’t know. Since I got better, I have been living a somewhat “stress-free” life. My family and friends are very kind to not let me stress over simple things. I admit, I still eat what I want but I do it in moderation.

The second time I was diagnosed, my first thought was, “What about my work?” Back in 2016, I had to take a 6-month leave to finish my chemotherapy. Some people can still work while having chemo. Me, I can’t even walk on my own that time. I am so fortunate that the company I am staying with is very considerate with regards to my case. The support of my colleagues all over the world were tremendous! When I came back to work on January 2017, I still had to do radiations so what I did was to wake up at 5:00AM then proceed to the hospital so that I can start radiation by 7:00AM, finished by 8:15AM, get to work by 9:30AM just in time for my 10:00AM shift. That was a routine for 19 days straight. I was so relieved that finally, I am done with the treatments!!!! Now, my company is again very gracious to allow me to take a leave again for me to get better. I was devastated to take a leave because I was starting to work on a project, but I had to let it go as health is my priority. Back in my mind, I am feeling guilty for leaving my colleagues for an indefinite time and passing on my work to them. But deep down, I am so thankful for their understanding. I am relieved when they say “Don’t worry, just focus on your health and we’ll see you soon” all the time. You see, it is important for a cancer patient to still look forward for work. This motivates me to heal faster and get back on my feet the soonest.

Having Cancer in the Philippines

Coming from a middle-class family, earning my own money is a big deal. Just a few weeks after graduation, I started working and earning my own money to fund everything I want and need. I was financially independent. I’m not earning a huge amount, but it was enough to live a comfortable life.

My first diagnosis, we were told to prepare PhP750,00.00 for chemotherapy alone (not including other complications of chemo – which I had) I was unfortunately diagnosed with the expensive type of Lymphoma. I don’t even have enough savings to fund 1 cycle of chemotherapy.

My second diagnosis, a stem cell transplant is the recommended second line treatment for relapse in Lymphoma which costs around PhP 2.5 Million. Basically, I will be having an autologous stem cell transplant in which my own stem cells will be harvested, a high dose chemo will be given to kill the cancer cells, then my stem cells will return to me. Seems easy, right? But no, I had to undergo a total of 4 high dose chemo because the transplant can only be successful if I am in Partial or Complete Remission.

We were given two choices -  to go with stem cell transplant or just go with 6 cycles of chemo. In comparison, stem cell transplant has the highest chance of cure compared with chemo alone. However, neither of them guarantees the cancer won’t come back. I asked helped from my friends in making a decision and one answer struck me the most, “No matter what the cost, I would do anything to increase my chances of living.” Although we do not have the money for the transplant, my parents never hesitated to push through with the procedure. “We will make it work,” they said. And for the past months, we did make it work through the help of so many angels.

I have joined many Lymphoma support groups all over the world and I am jealous of their health care system. They don’t have to worry about the cost of the transplant. Having a stem cell transplant in their country is not a question. It’s part of the procedure. While here in the Philippines, you have to think about it because it is not easy to shell out PhP 2.5M.

Here in the Philippines, PCSO gives medical assistance whether you are rich or poor. I believe that when one of your family member has cancer, it will always drain your savings. Processing PCSO guarantee letters is definitely not a walk in the park. I am lucky enough to have a brother and sister-in-law to process my papers instead of me going to PCSO. Imagine how many sick people line up as early as 3:00AM for them to secure the golden ticket in the form of a guarantee letter or medicines. It would take up your whole day! For some people, PCSO is their best way to survive the costly chemotherapy.

Miracles and New Beginnings

I would sometimes wonder what it would feel like to not ever worry about money which is an impossible world. Everyone worries about money. I remember telling my mom that with all the medical expenses we incurred, we could be millionaires right now. But then she told me, “None of them was ours. They were all given and donated for you to get better” Then it hit me how so many people are always willing to help. When I needed my first chemo immediately, my mom’s brother and friends willingly gave us money. When the bill was too high to be paid in cash, my mom’s friend went to the hospital and swiped her credit card. When there was a problem with my health card, my dad’s friends did everything to get it approved. Whenever we are about to be discharged from the hospital, help from my colleagues and friends would always come. I remember a dear friend of mine giving me P50,000.00 just because they have extra blessings in their family. Colleagues from Manila, Amsterdam, and Singapore pooled funds to help me with my medical bills. I receive so many messages saying that the only thing they can do for me is pray. Please know that prayers mean everything! I am blessed to have so many prayer warriors. I am deeply touched with the help I’ve been receiving. Even until now, my friends haven’t stopped creating fundraising events for my transplant. Miracles are indeed everywhere. You just have to stop and realize them.

Series of events led us to losing our house at the same time while I am battling cancer. It was heartbreaking. I kept on thinking why does these have to happen at the same time? With God’s grace, we were able to find a new place to stay immediately – as if it was handed to us without any glitches. I take this struggle as God’s way of telling us to start something new. I read a quote saying “You cannot heal in the same environment where you got sick” so maybe this is my new beginning.

Waiting Patiently

I am currently on my 15th day of confinement. I had 5 days of intensive chemo and now that my white blood cell count is down to 0.15, we are waiting for it to shoot up, so the stem cell harvest can be done. The waiting game is not easy. My counts are low, hence, I had a platelet transfusion and will be having a blood transfusion in a bit. I currently have a fever. My electrolytes are low too. For the past few days, some of you may know that I feel a bit down. I feel like I am not as strong as before when I was first battling cancer. I feel like I am so tired from everything. I just want to go home. But of course I will not stop fighting. I have so many angels standing with me in this fight and I won’t let them down.

I recently had a chat with one of the nurses that will handle my transplant. He was so informative because he told me what I should expect. Hearing his stories scared me. He said that when stem cells are transplanted back to me, I will experience a 40-degree fever, problems with the GI tract (this one is what I’m scared of the most), stomach pains, unable to eat anything to the point that my nourishments have to be given thru IV, that familiar feeling of weakness due to chemo but this time, it is more intense. The good news is, this will not last forever. I just have to endure the pain for a few days or weeks. But I admit, knowing these scared me so much that I had to cry to my parents.

I am almost there! I am wishing and hoping that I will be cured and cancer will never ever come back for my family.

Snowbound: A Bering & Wells Gift Exchange Fic

This is for @niftybottle​! Happy Holidays, and hope you enjoy!

Also on AO3.

Within the view-screen of the Farnsworth, Pete stumbled forward a little as Claudia jumped onto his back so she could lean over his shoulder and thrust her face into the frame. 

“Hi, Myka!”

Myka’s smile was only slightly forced.

“Hey, Claudia,” she replied. “Looks like you guys are keeping warm.”

“Barely!” countered Pete. “We only just managed to thaw out before we called you.”

Claudia slid down off of Pete’s back and moved around to push him so that they could both fit, side by side, within Myka’s view.

“Have you heard anything from Artie?” Claudia asked.

Myka nodded. “Yeah, he made it out just before the blizzard hit. He’s with his son. And where’s Steve?”

“On the phone, making a last-ditch attempt to find us a flight out of here, tonight,” Pete explained. “Not looking good.”

Myka nodded again. She felt a small catch in her throat as she said, “Well, I know it’s not perfect, but at least you three can celebrate together.”

She’d tried to sound nothing but upbeat, but Pete must have noticed something off. He gave her a small, sympathetic smile.

“I really wish you weren’t stuck out there,” he said.

Claudia chimed in. “Yeah, it won’t be the same with you, Mykes. I mean, I’d normally enjoy a good ‘white Christmas’ as much as the next girl, but with you snowed in at the Warehouse, and us stuck in Buffalo…” She trailed off into a shrug.

“You’ll just have to hit Pete with double the amount of snowballs, for me,” Myka replied, smirking at Pete’s exaggerated expression of offense.

“Ganging up on me right in front of me?” he protested. “Have you no shame?”

Claudia laughed, and Myka’s smile wasn’t nearly as forced as before.

There was a sound, then, of a door opening, and Steve’s voice sounded over the Farnsworth.

“Boy, what a day. Oh. Hi, Myka!”

Just a corner of Steve’s face—one eye, half his nose—was briefly shoved into the frame, before he moved away again.

Myka reflexively smiled in greeting, and even once he was out of sight, she could still hear him, as he explained, “No luck, I’m sorry. We’re definitely stuck here overnight, and probably longer than that. Because of the lake effect off Lake Erie, things are even worse than I thought they’d be.”

Claudia groaned and threw herself backwards onto the hotel room bed.

But Myka just kept her smile plastered to her face. It was fine. She was going to be alone on Christmas, but she would keep smiling, and everything was going to be fine.

None of this would have happened, if she hadn’t gotten sick.

It was right before she and Pete had been about to leave for Pittsburgh for an artifact retrieval, with Claudia and Steve heading to Buffalo for a separate artifact.

But that morning Myka had woken up at 5am with a high fever, chills, and an achiness all over. Artie promptly declared her unfit for duty, and she’d been ordered to stay at the B&B and rest, while Pete, Claudia, and Steve all teamed up together—heading first to Pittsburgh, for the more urgent situation, and then on to Buffalo as soon as they could.

Covering the two artifacts sequentially, instead of at the same time in separate teams, meant that the whole thing had taken longer than it otherwise would have, though. And by the time they’d managed to snag the second artifact, two big things happened: it was Christmas Eve, and the huge snowstorm that had been blowing across the country caught up with them before they were able to get a flight out.

So it would have to be Christmas in Buffalo for the three of them.

As for Myka, she’d remained holed up in bed for nearly a week, before she started feeling better. She hadn’t felt up for traveling, so planned to see her family in Colorado sometime in early January, instead. And there were plans already for a small holiday celebration at the B&B. Since everyone else was supposed to be out of town, Abigail had arranged for her family to come stay with her. Her parents, younger sister, brother-in-law, and two nephews had all arrived a few days earlier, and Abigail assured Myka that they’d all be happy to have her join them for Christmas.

Once she felt strong enough, though, Myka’s guilt for making things harder on her fellow-agents led her to go over to the Warehouse to help catch up on paperwork and inventory.

And then, well, Myka had known that a storm was heading their way—Abigail had been sure to remind her not to stay out too long—but it was easy to lose track of time in the Warehouse, and Myka liked to take the time needed to do things right, when she could, and there were so many truly fascinating artifacts and people to read about as she did her work, and…

By the time Myka had realized how long she’d been working, it was too late. The blizzard had arrived, she had four missed calls from Abigail, and the roads were completely impassable.

So. Christmas in the Warehouse. Alone.

Myka was sitting in Artie’s office, drinking coffee and reading a book, when she heard the noise.

There was something in the Umbilicus.

For a moment, Myka was ready to write it off as just echoing wind from outside, but… No, those were definitely footsteps.

There was someone in the Umbilicus. There wasn’t anyone who should be there.

Myka was on her feet in an instant, Tesla in hand, and she moved quickly over to the office door. Not wanting to give herself away, she refrained from looking through the small window in the door, and instead stood off to the side, ready and waiting.

The intruder began opening the door, and as soon as it was open wide enough, Myka reached blindly through the gap, grabbed hold of the person’s coat—there was a small yelp of surprise—yanked them through the doorway, and shoved them back into the wall, with Myka’s Tesla held threateningly against their throat.

It was only then that Myka got a good look at the intruder.

“Helena?”

In spite of her position thrust back against the wall, Helena’s smile was wide and happy.

“Hello, Myka,” she greeted calmly. “Just like old times, isn’t it?”

“Huh?” was the best that Myka could manage.

Was she still sick, after all? Was this some kind of fever dream?

Out of the corner of her eye, Helena glanced down at the Tesla in Myka’s hand.

“Still meeting at gunpoint,” Helena explained. “It seems to be our thing!” She sounded quite pleased with this fact.

“Oh, right.”

Myka lowered the Tesla, but, still feeling out of sorts at Helena’s sudden and inexplicable appearance, she didn’t think to release her tight hold on the front of Helena’s coat. They remained standing together, just a foot apart, and Helena seemed to have no complaints at being pressed up against the wall.

“What are you doing here?” Myka asked.

She hadn’t seen Helena in a little over a month. She was working for the Regents, now; not a Regent herself, nor a regular agent, but something in between. Myka didn’t fully know what Helena did, really, but it meant that she made semi-regular appearances at the Warehouse, and for that, Myka was grateful.

Helena smiled. “A little birdie named Pete got in touch with me and explained your predicament. No one should be alone at Christmas, Myka,” she said.

“You’re here to rescue me?”

“Well you’re hardly one to need rescuing,” Helena replied with a light laugh. Her expression was kind, and warm, and so very beautiful.

Their current position, so close together, finally seemed to register with Myka. She felt a blush start to creep up her cheeks, but still, she didn’t let go. If anything, her arm flexed as she pulled Helena just the tiniest bit closer.

They weren’t dating. Not really.

Myka didn’t think they were, at least. They hadn’t really talked about it. For two people who both loved words so much, they hadn’t been all that good at actually using them to discuss what was going on between them.

But, well, there had been kissing, a few times. And it had been really nice. Myka knew that much, certainly.

Her gaze was drawn down Helena’s lips as Helena continued, “I simply thought you might—”

Whatever Helena meant to say, she didn’t get to finish. Without allowing herself to think about it, Myka closed the last bit of distance between them, angling her face downwards to press her lips tightly to Helena’s, kissing the other woman with an urgency that she didn’t quite know where it came from.

Helena made a small sound of surprise, and after just a short moment, Myka pulled away, flustered. She finally released her hold on Helena, and took a step backwards.

“Sorry, I— I shouldn’t have done that, I don’t—”

“No!” Helena exclaimed, interrupting. She laughed. “Just give a girl some warning, next time.”

With that, Helena’s hands reached for Myka, grabbing hold of her by the upper arms and pulling them back together. With the space between them erased, one of Helena’s arms wrapped around Myka’s back, as the other reached upwards—her hand tracing along Myka’s neck, her jaw, and then up into her hair, fingers grasping hold of the curls at the back of Myka’s head. She tugged only lightly, but Myka groaned and practically melted into her, bringing their lips together again. One of her own hands fell to Helena’s waist, as the other reached out to steady herself against the wall.

It was some time before they pulled apart again. Myka could only grin happily at Helena before a thought occurred to her.

“Wait, how did you get here?” she asked, remembering all of the snow.

Helena smirked but did look somewhat sheepish as she explained. “I… may have threatened one of the members of the Regents’ security detail into driving me here in a snow plow.”

Myka laughed. “You what?”

Helena merely shrugged. She looked straight into Myka’s eyes, unrepentant.

Myka’s expression softened, and she couldn’t keep the wonder out of her voice as she said, “I can’t believe you’re here.” She reached up and lightly drew her fingers down the side of Helena’s face before returning it to rest lightly against Helena’s hip. “How long can you stay this time?”

Helena’s gaze shifted away, then, and she actually looked somewhat apprehensive. Myka felt her heart drop—not long, apparently.

But then Helena spoke, saying, “I wanted to talk to you about that, as it happens. I’ve spoken with my direct supervisor among the Regents about, well, about the possibility of my being based in Univille on a more permanent basis, even as I continue my work with them.”

It took Myka a moment to parse out the meaning of Helena’s words.

She blinked, her heart suddenly beating much faster. She asked, hesitant, “Does that… Do you mean that you’re staying?”

Helena looked back up, bringing her eyes again to Myka’s. There was a real weight to her next words, as though she hoped Myka would understand all of what she was asking when she said, “If you think that would be a good idea, that is?”

Myka didn’t hesitate. “Yes,” she replied. “I do think that would be a very good idea.”

Helena grinned. “Then it’s settled,” she said with a nod. “I suppose I can speak to Abigail about it when we return to the B&B.”

They still had more to talk about, Myka knew. But for now, it was enough. Helena was in her arms, she was staying, and they were together for Christmas. It was more than enough.

She couldn’t stop her own happy smile from crossing her face. “Thank you for rescuing me,” she said. “Merry Christmas, Helena.”

“Happy Christmas, Myka.”

And with that, because she could, Myka leaned in to kiss Helena again. Returning to the B&B could wait just a little while longer.

Friday 1st January 2021

Review of the Year Q1  January, February, March 2020. Pre Pandemic Lockdown.

Hello, I’m wishing everyone a Happy, Healthy and Safe Year Ahead. We always say that don’t we, but boy does it have so much more meaning this time.

What can I say about the year just gone that hasn’t already been said? Well, they say a picture paints a thousand words so I’m going to choose some of my own photographs to illustrate the most positive things we experienced over the strangest year of our lives - the year of the Covid-19 coronavirus world pandemic, which is still raging today (and let’s hope I don’t get to say that again)

I’m cheating at the very beginning because I’m starting off by using a photo from Christmas 2019 when we had one of our usual type of trees in the Hall.

I’d usually decorate the Hall tree in the traditional red and gold

Below is the little tree that gained promotion this year, but in pink and white, silver and gold. That was a bit fancy for me, but the Owls liked it.

It put on some healthy growth throughout the year and played host to many perching little birds, mainly Blue, Great and Marsh Tits. I had to clear off all the cobwebs and take out all the bits of twig and leaf before it could come indoors.

And there it was, pressed into service. Every year in this house we’ve had at least two trees, a 7-8′ and a 5-6′ but this year, Little Tree was upgraded to the starring role. Hoorah Little Tree, you’ve done us proud. One of the best things to enjoy about the tree is all the memories that come with the decorations collected year after year from all around the world and some dating back to my Granny’s tree, although they’re looking rather delicate these days.

You can see our fairly recent tradition of perching ‘Travis’ the Christmas Pheasant in prime position just underneath the Angel. I think he looked fab this year, you can see him a bit more clearly than on a bigger tree.

January Garden Visitors: Sparrowhawk

As for January 2020, it brought some horrid bitterly cold, wet and windy weather. We were lucky on the 10th when we drove to Ms NW tE’s house and she put on a fantastic lunch that we both really enjoyed. That was the last time we sat down close at the table with anyone else outside of our own home and ate together* Last time we dined out-out was November 2018! Those were the days. 31st January 2020 was also the last time I had my hair cut - now it’s the longest it’s been since I was about half the age I am now and it might even be longer than then and still growing.

* Ms NW tY did pop around after work for supper in February and we meant to make that a fairly regular thing, but the only other time we got to eat together was when it was allowed outdoors in the Summer - sat at opposite ends of a very, very long table. That was weird.

January: sunset 

The bad wet weather had started here in late October 2019 and we were caught in flooding in Cheshire. The Fire Brigade came to pump water off the road that  we were sat on for a very long time. Much worse came with horrendous floods in Venice when some of the canals became unnavigable. World weather certainly made headlines in 2020 with flooding and raging fires devastating massive areas. The National Trust wildlife report I posted talks about the effects of the weather and climate change and what they’re trying to do to combat as much as they can.

I also see that in January we’d started to hear of Wuhan and to talk about hand washing. A friend’s sister is living in China and she’d got a flight booked to visit in April. Another friend said their lockdown and travel restrictions may be lifted by then. Little did we know.

Looking back at last year’s photos, pre blog, I was surprised I caught the Green Woodpecker in February, photo taken mid morning on the 16th. 

This may be one of the last PP pictures I took (PP = Pre Pandemic) and it’s all the more remarkable because Storm Dennis had hit us.

On the 17th we went shopping for a care package for Ms NW tY who was sick and home alone. Raging fever, cough, felt like she had a chest infection and limbs like lead. Similar to what I had back in November 2019. It took seven months for me to feel tip top again, so who knows what on earth we had - not Covid obviously because the medical experts say it wasn’t over here then. They also said no need to wear face masks and children were impervious...

I’ll just leave those thoughts there.

February Garden Visitors: lots of Pheasants 

Meanwhile we were starting to talk about handwashing - a lot, 20 seconds minimum with soap and hot water. Sing Happy Birthday to You all the way through and keep on washing. Haven’t heard that so much in a while actually.

...and toilet rolls. Any mention of a forthcoming lockdown and panic buying prompts shortages immediately. It was toilet rolls, rice, pasta and flour. I’m sticking with my illustration of handwashing using one of my favourite soaps. Portuguese Soap, hard to beat but prohibitively expensive nowadays. We just looked at that link and whistled, drawing in our breath and sighing. I’m going to be refilling that bottle with something altogether more modest. Of course, so much more choice now for something a bit different, especially closer to home. Kent Soap. I’ve been glad this year that I ask for nice soap as a gift if anyone wants to know what I’d like and we got some for Christmas too, so that’ll keep us going.

White Hyacinths and Freesias for fragrance lifting the bleak days

The pandemic seemed to get worse and we were getting alarmed. I last went into a supermarket early mid March. Since then I’ve only been in National Trust shops, the petrol station and the pharmacy. I first wore a face mask when we took the car for its MOT, also mid March. Staff looked at me as though I was a bank robber. When we went to collect the car later the same day there was a notice on the door ‘Only two customers allowed inside at any one time’ and news was starting to spread...about health precautions, not about me.

Soon MOT tests were suspended and the country was facing a lockdown. Since then we had a time when both of our cars’ batteries died. We’ve SORN (officially declared off road) one - it’s taking us all our time to keep the other ticking over.

March Garden Visitors: hungry Rabbits at the seed trays

I started to write my Blog. At first I just used Google Sheets for seven daily scribblings and then I moved to this platform. Blog Number 1 here with the urls of the first few entries at the end. Little did I know at that stage that I’d be writing every day at least once a day and still going.

As National Lockdown got underway as well as writing we all started walking again and looking at nature and baking - boy did we all embrace baking last year. There must’ve been a country-weight of Sourdough and/or Banana Bread attempted with varying degree of success...lucky Joe Wicks came on board to get everyone up and doing a bit of keep fit, People started working from home, hosted social lives by internet, online quizzes and memes became a thing, a really big Thing. If we were lucky our food shopping was delivered straight to our door, TV cookery shows were full of advice on what you could use if you couldn’t source what you really wanted.

Just as my football team was on course for its first ever Premier League Championship win, the season had to be suspended (13th March) hoping to resume in April. It was a vain hope, but as our manager Jûrgen Klopp said, health and safety is far more important than anything else...we can wait 😉

Sport around the world, like everything else, had to be put on pause.

The situation got worse and every Thursday night at 8pm we went outdoors and clapped for our carers as they battled on trying to get to grips with this new virus and people falling sick in huge numbers. It was a whole new way of life.

To be Continued

--------------

WEATHER NEWS:

Forecasters are warning of possible further chaos, because the same conditions behind the 'Beast from the East' in 2018 - one of the worst storms to hit the UK in living memory - are forming again high up in the atmosphere.  

The 'sudden stratospheric warming' (SSW) event happens when the temperature in the stratosphere soars by 50C (122F). This 'reverses' Britain's wind pattern, from the warmer west out in the Atlantic to the east – and Siberia.

It can take two weeks for the effects of a SSW to be felt. This was the case in February 2018 with the infamous Beast from the East, which saw much of the UK gripped by travel chaos and school closures amid heavy snow. 

^ Not to mention Hospital closures too, which meant my operation was cancelled.

New Year’s Day Read:

The Wildlife Trust Marine Review of 2020

This report is also covered by the Daily Mail which also includes photos, video and information from other regional trusts around the country.

Decoration from the Standen Courtyard Christmas Tree

Once again some absolutely beautiful handiwork, The Tree of Life. What better message for a brand new year.

The Tree of Life symbol represents our personal development, uniqueness and individual beauty. Just as the branches of a tree strengthen and grow upwards to the sky, we too grow stronger, striving for greater knowledge, wisdom and new experiences as we move through life. 

Music for New Year from the Rivertree Singers

a community choral ensemble in Greenville, SC. USA

‘Tomorrow Shall be my Dancing Day’ Let’s hope so.

This has been bugging me and stressing me out on and off since March, so I’m going to vent here.

So, there was this point in mid-March where my mom and dad got really fucking sick for two weeks. It took them several months to recover all the way. I’m like 50/50 on whether or not it was COVID. There were like, four separate sources that they could have gotten sick from that each have different chances of having been COVID. 

I’ll  list them from least to most likely to have been COVID. The first possible source was me, getting it from school maybe. This happened during a week-long break from school, but for a couple days I was sick with mild exhaustion and a runny nose. Since there were none of the classic COVID symptoms and runny nose is one of the few things that COVID doesn’t really cause, I’m going to assume that was a cold and if I had COVID, it was asymptomatic (I was 17 at the time, I am currently 18, and my only pre-existing condition is asthma, so that’s not an unreasonable assessment). The next possible cause of the disease was my mom. She works for marketing in Boeing, specifically in dealing with foreign airlines, so her and lot of the people she works with have to travel internationally a lot for work. That said, I don’t recall hearing anything about any of her coworkers getting sick around the same time she did. All of that said, both of these instances have some credibility by virtue of us living around Seattle, which got hit by COVID a little bit before the rest of America did because we have a high Asian population, so more people were going to an from China before COVID made it big world-wide. We also had an outbreak in a retirement home that was probably about a 20 minute drive from where I live, so COVID was definitely around where I live for at least a few weeks before lock-down orders started. The third candidate was my aunt, who was visiting from San Diego shortly before my parents got sick. Mom said she said she was feeling a bit sick before visiting. Considering I don’t know anything about the symptoms, she’s over 50 and obese, and it didn’t sound like she got super sick, it’s a huge not enough information, never will get enough information to guess. Then there’s my sister, who almost definitely had COVID. She has half public half private school. The private school was run by this jackass guy, who decided to ignore the CDC’s guidelines at the time to not travel to China for nonessential stuff. A bit later, there was an outbreak of people getting sick at her school and one of the teachers tested positive. While my sister did not get tested, she did get sick and was definitely exposed. That said, it’s still possible that she got COVID and didn’t spread it to anyone in the family because my family fucking hates each other. Like, the average amount of time per day I was spending within even 10ft of any given family member was around 30 seconds, and my sister’s even more cut off from everyone than I am. To the point where I didn’t find out that she was even sick in March until she told me about it in July. Given all of that, my sister’s in middle school and my parents had to drive her around a lot, so there’s still a very good chance they got sick from her. I’m also not 100% sure on the timeline of when she got sick vs when mom and dad got sick, but it was probably within two weeks of each other considering all of this happened in the same month. There’s also the point that mom and dad both tested negative for the “did you have corona” test, but those tests aren’t very consistent and they got tested in July, so it’s possible that they got two false negatives (my sister and I did not get the test).

The reason this is bothering me so much, other than my desire to just know, is that there was an unusually high amount of placing being gone to during the time period that people were sick. First of all, when I was first getting my cold symptoms, it was right at the start of a one week break for school. Normally that would mean I’d spend the entire week hanging out on my computer in this one isolated corner of the house, but not this week. This week my aunt and cousin were visiting for a few days. I largely didn’t do all of the outdoors stuff my dad was trying to force on me because I don’t like that stuff, I don’t like being around him, and I didn’t want to potentially worsen the cold and get more annoying symptoms. But there was one day where he spent fifteen minutes arguing with me and got me to go to the zoo with him and my aunt. It wasn’t a particularly popular zoo, but it did get people from places like New York, California, and so on. Anyways, that’s the amount of out that I was while symptomatic with cold. My parents didn’t start getting sick until after my aunt returned home. She said she did not get sick afterwards when I asked her about it. My mom decided to keep her distance from me when she realized she was sick. This might have been because of COVID news, it also might have been a reaction to January where everyone but me got sick except me because I told them I was quarantining. Either way, I didn’t get any symptoms of anything besides the cold. My dad also got symptoms. During the weekend, he asked me about my symptoms. I told him I had lighter symptoms than he had and they got worse when he made me go to the zoo. So he took that as validation that it was ok to teach children skiing, and to take my mom with him. Mom said she spent the entire time in the lodge laying down, probably coughing like crazy, and trying to keep people away from her. Afterwards, dad drove to Spokane, a town that’s about a day’s drive away. Dad still claims that he did nothing wrong, but at the time, I was mad at him because for making his “flu” worse for himself and mom, but the entire thing gets so much worse if he actually had COVID. Side note: I did bring up that I was upset with him for worsening his flu and that he shouldn’t have done that, mostly because I brought it up with my Therapist, who looked legitimately shocked and mildly horrified when I mentioned that to her because going skiing while sick with anything is a terrible idea. Anyways when I brought it up, dad claimed that he probably did have COVID but it’s ok because “children aren’t affected by it.” In July, I again brought up how that was a horrible thing to say, and he dismissed me by saying “it was a different time” and “I was already wearing a mask because I was skiing so it’s ok.” My mom got super sick after that and couldn’t really leave the couch or bed. That left me largely in charge of the food. I can’t cook. It’s something I probably should work on, but stuff like working with meat makes me anxious, and waiting for food to cook is boring and tedious. This is relevant because I decided to repeatedly bring food home while she was super sick. This was when the CDC was specifically telling people not to wear a mask, so I wasn’t wearing a mask. I was seeing the food people face to face. The only silver lining here was that people were beginning to worry about corona and I was showing up at the food places kinda late, so the places were eerily empty. Mom also had a work trip coming up where she was supposed to go to Ethiopia and Poland to meet with a bunch of people from a bunch of different countries. She went to the company doctor, but they didn’t test her or anything and just had her go even though she was pretty clearly sick with a cough and fever (it might have just been a cough by the time she went). So, Boeing did endanger the lives of several people they’re supposed to be working with. My dad got back home before she left, he doesn’t like to cook, so we were still eating out. We also ended up talking to a friend and trying to schedule a trip to Japan in July for the Olympics. He was still coughing. The friend was with his dad, who has a scarred lung and works in data science. That’s about when corona went on my radar as something to look out for. Meanwhile, during the week, my sister’s girl scout troop (I think?? It might have been something else) went on a field trip to Washington DC and into the White House. I’m still a tad disappointed that she didn’t infect the president then and there. Apparently one of the people who was supposed to go on the trip was too sick to go because of stomach issues or something. 

All of this is bugging me because I can’t shake off the feeling of guilt, anger, fear, confusion, and hurt from that week, even though it’s been over 6 months. If we had COVID, which is entirely possible, how many people got infected? At the time, my perceptions of COVID were more or less “oh, I guess it isn’t food poisoning” because that’s how little attention I was paying to it when this happened. I know a lot of what happened here wasn’t my fault for a variety for reasons and, by now, whatever I  did probably only have negligible affects on the pandemic even worst case scenario, but I can’t shake that feeling of guilt. I don’t understand why. I can’t shake the feeling of anger because no one has showed me much empathy or sympathy or such on the matter, the best I’ve gotten is people telling me to try and get over it. Which is on a scale between concern and defensiveness. Because of that, I can’t get over the anger I have towards my dad. Which is so exhausting that I can’t even be angry at the teacher who caused a COVID outbreak in his school or Boeing. The Boeing thing in particular probably should have been reported somewhere because what they did was horrible and objectionable, but now pretty much no one will know. I can’t get over the fear that someone died because of me or my family. The best I can do is remind myself that there is no proof that we even had COVID in the first place, but that uncertainty is also scary because I don’t know the consequences of my actions. Whether or not they were likely to have had serious negative repercussions or should just be taken as a warning. A warning that I haven’t been able to get my family to take. I can’t shake the confusion because I’ll never know for certain whether we even had COVID or just really bad luck with the flu. And I can’t get over the hurt because every time I’ve tried to even address it, I’ve just been told to shut up or get over it. 

The week or so after realizing that COVID is, in fact, a thing, my mind was racing in contradictory directions. It was painful just from the whiplash alone. The reactions from my teachers ranged from one teacher trying to circumvent the rules trying to protect from COVID to another teacher declaring it’s the apocalypse and demanding all students stay away from her (which was worsened by some students intentionally triggering her anxiety by breathing on her, which is fucked up for multiple reasons). There was also a lot of uncertainty around the school because the district’s policy regarding COVID was it wouldn’t shut things down unless someone tested positive except there weren’t any tests available. It was worsened by a story on the news regarding a neighboring district where someone did test positive, but they didn’t find out until right when they were enter their school’s building. That lack of available testing also meant that the case numbers counted were almost definitely an underestimate. My mom was on her work trip, which left me with my dad. He was beginning to claim that COVID couldn’t have been that big of a deal because people probably already got it in the masses and his and mom’s case “wasn’t that bad.” Remember, they were both basically bed ridden for at least a week, and it took them months to fully recover from the coughing. That’s bad. The amount of emotions I was feeling were overwhelming, one day I would switch between joking about “spreading the plague” and being terrified of doing exactly that, the next day I’d barely have the energy to feel anything. Then I found out that my therapist came down with a fever, and I lost contact with her (because I couldn’t figure out how to get the online stuff to work after the fact). My thoughts on my parents would fling between “I want to protect them at all costs” and “I hope they die” in under a day, and it would continue swinging back and forth like that for months before I lost the will to care anymore. 

The other day, I broke down in tears because I thought I might have a cold and it made me think of that week, or those few weeks. Turns out, I don’t have a cold, I just had a runny nose for three seconds. Every time I’ve tried to talk about it, I’ve been told to work it out or try to get over it, but I can’t do that on my own. All I can really do is try not to think about it until it comes crashing down again, but I know that’s impossible to maintain.