ignore this but i need to fucking vent bc i'm in tears in a fucking university and i really need to just. fucking.

my friends asked me to come rock climbing and i said maybe, and then said i wouldn't go bc i'm exhausted and have to be up early for work, and they said we could do something else after they go rock climbing, so i was like ok fine i guess we can go for a drink. and i was gonna meet them at the restaurant but they said they'd come pick me up first and then they BRING ME

TO THE FUCKING ROCK WALL

THAT I CANT EVEN WAIT INSIDE WITHOUT PAYING ADMISSION

so now i'm sitting alone in the hallway of a random fucking university with tears in my eyes bc my friends decided to fuck all our plans over last minute and NOT FUCKING TELL ME and now i'm over an hour and a half away from home and i'm so fucking miserable and mad and upset and i just. wanna scream

pls i need to provide updates

collapses to the ground like a deflated balloon

.

Today was my last Friday off for the foreseeable future from my job before I go back to having Wednesdays off to accommodate our severe understaffing issue on the Friday/Saturdays we’re open and I did absolutely nothing with my day today, but I do hope having a day off in the middle of the week from here on out will hopefully improve my motivation and help get me to start making appointments for stuff and the likes of that.

fighting the urge to buy a better stylus for my phone and an upgrade to the drawing app I have on it right now

horrifying self recognition through the other aside this has been an actually not terrible start to The Family Gathering tbh

I love it when i accidentally stay up on the night im supposed to be catching up on sleep it totallly doesnt make me feel horrible all week long

Selling stuff on vinted makes me so anxious for no legitimate reason I swear

‘im on my way do you want anything from greggs?’ kiss me with tongue

one of the guys that runs a reaction channel i've been watching for ages just announced that they're ending the channel next year bc he got a job offer and he's getting married and he's thinking about his family and his future and like...

my son in christ you are 21

i literally want to fucking die

ok might start exiting that phase of Me severly doubting and gaslighting myself on being possibly autismal because yea when i go research mode it all adds up but even when im assessing myself carefully on DSMV criteria it gets to a point where it's like ash ...... please stop playing dumb this is rlly serious

...I just wrote out a stream of my thoughts basically. I should Probably go to bed. g'night tumblr people! If you see me online no you didn't

Nobody:

Me: *sends "how can i convince my grandparents that i am perfectly fine not having a bed in my room and would rather just use blankets to make a nest" to the WyoFurs chat*

glad that Jay is around to help me with planning my Please Diagnose Me pitch bc when we ask 'how is this negatively affecting your life' I'm like hm. can't open jars bc my fingers come out of joint. can't have sex without my hip dislocating. it's fairly inconvenient that all shoes make my feet bleed and I can't brush my teeth without tearing up my gums.

and they're like. yes these are all good points you should mention. have you considered that Being In Constant Pain is also an effect it has on your life?

yeah. hadn't thought of that cause it doesn't actually stop me doing things most of the time. but now that you point it out, that is only bc I'm incredibly stubborn and don't take care of myself. so yeah.

they very astutely pointed out that a major part of lifelong disability is that you develop a lot of coping strategies to the point that you kind of don't notice that some things are affecting you bc you've found ways around them that mean you can still do the things you're trying to do. but that doesn't mean that they're not affecting you or that a doctor is not going to want to hear about them.

it's really easy to normalise stuff is the thing. like as per my bio I refer to myself as 'slightly disabled' a lot bc I am still. broadly speaking. capable of doing most things. it's just that it's often painful/exhausting, I need a lot of workarounds, and I can't sustain it long term.

but the thing is that uhhhhhhh that's only """slightly disabled"""" if I assume other people are also struggling with those things but maybe slightly less.

one of the revelatory things about having these conversations is how much I'm finding that many people don't even have a slight manifestation of these issues.

like it doesn't hurt people's hands At All trying to open a stiff jar lid or clap or pick something up at a slightly wrong angle. other people Aren't In Pain unless something's actually wrong. to most people 'my feet hurt after a 10 hr standing shift' doesn't mean 'my feet and legs physically will not take my weight for 48 hours after a 10 hr standing shift'. some people's feet just never bleed at all unless their shoes are WILDLY the wrong size. when most people say 'I'm tired' they mean 'I'm ready to take a break' not 'I feel whole-body sick and it's a painful struggle to string a whole thought together and I will feel unbearably ill if I move or open my eyes.'

like there's a lot of situations where I only register as Problems the things that I legitimately can't work around or ignore. like I started using a cane bc I was uncontrollably falling in the street bc my knees and ankles would just give way without warning. but now I have the cane so I've stopped noticing that - my legs still sometimes abruptly lose integrity but I can catch myself with the stick so I no longer fall (except occasionally when I trip myself up or I'm wearing inappropriately high shoes that make an ankle slippage harder to correct for) so I don't. consider it a thing that greatly affects my life. but like. it is, right? it's a thing I have to account for that other people don't. idk. it's all very interesting.

going to bed at a reasonable hour. GN

HI gm i went to bed at such a reasonable hour went to sleep at 10 and woke up at 7 life is beautiful