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#i really like how you wrote this

inkskinned · 9 months

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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail''#ah tumblr...#writeblr #warm up #idk . having trouble writing rn #ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum #i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for #i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" .....#no.... not really.....#idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography #like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days #furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing...#this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey.#idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me.#i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will #actually ever happen #ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum

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dreadark · 10 days

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that ivan loves till is the most obvious thing about them

but. does ivan know that…?

the ivan that regards his own feelings as shallow, the ivan that learned how emotions are expressed only from copying others… does he even know that the love he’s felt for so long is love? probably not. and part of the reason is the one he loves himself

because the easiest example he has of love is till's feelings to mizi. till outright calls it love, and ivan watches him so much he has to be aware of this and till’s love to mizi is totally unselfish, right. he doesn’t seem to actually want much from her—just that she's still there and still "mizi"

but ivan can't be satisfied with just watching he… wants. ivan wants till’s attention, till’s affection—

surely this selfish wanting can’t be love

...no wonder he was never able to express his feelings straightforwardly when he belittles them so much but he can’t stand not having anything either, so he does… whatever he does instead to get any scraps of attention he can, from someone he's convinced doesn't care about him at all only showing affection when till can't see it, right until he knows he's going to die

but ivan's feelings for till are all he still has of himself... to think of them as shallow...

I've seen this translated as "I should've been kinder" to him (till) or to her (sua)

but really, the one he should've been kinder to was himself

#alien stage #alnst #alnst ivan #ivantill #i have a lot of thoughts on till -> mizi too but this is long enough #just attempting to rewrite my twt rambles more coherently #idk why i wrote this so dramatically tho...#'thank you for being the victim of my shallow emotions' is going to haunt me to my grave #ivan's character is just a careful balance between his natural freak nature and his extreme depths of self-loathing #making him the most miserable guy ever #...really once you realize so much of what went wrong is thanks to ivan just hating himself too much to even think of them as friends. well #c...can we bring him back... don't die like this.....#(also you know. with the implications of how 'pets' are treated #wanting someone physically must feel... even more wrong

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chrxnicdaydream · 1 month

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hc that Dazai made a point of calling Chuuya small when they met because Dazai was used to being the small one.

like, finally there was someone shorter than him. because let’s be real, Dazai was barely taller than Chuuya in Fifteen.

i think people forget how small Dazai was too— not just in height, but also in weight. He was underweight in Dark Era, but in Fifteen & even at present he's barely within the healthy weight range for his height. he was constantly described as a twig in Fifteen, and almost every time he's introduced in the light novels he's called lanky, slender, etc.

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turtleblogatlast · 1 month

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[ cw: nightmares / trauma / ]

Post-invasion, Mikey sneaks into Leo’s room and when asked by Leo what the problem was, Mikey just smiles and says since he’s awake and knew Leo would be too, he didn’t want either of them alone. Leo laughs and lets Mikey stick around, both of them clumped together on Leo’s bed, watching grainy compilations of old Lou Jitsu commercials on Leo’s phone.

Technically, Mikey didn’t lie. He just didn’t explain everything that led him to Leo’s room. He didn’t explain the nightmare of his arms burning up too bright, too fast, destroyed before Raph and Donnie have a chance to help. He didn’t explain how he woke up with a wail caught in his throat, phantom pain in his arms and chest alike chasing away any semblance of exhaustion. He didn’t explain how his mind made sure he knew, vividly, that if one thing went wrong with his portal, then he would have never seen Leo again.

He didn’t explain, and he didn’t have to. Leo knows his brothers better than he knows himself, and Mikey has always been easy to read. So it’s no trouble to let Mikey know that he’s still with them, that Leo is here and alive with everyone else. And when Mikey finally regains his exhaustion and falls asleep leaning against Leo, Leo simply maneuvers him into a more comfortable position and stays by his side.

He doesn’t move, doesn’t go to sleep - not that he could, anyway. He just mindlessly scrolls on his phone, the soft snores of his little brother filling the room. He stays in place, awake, because he wants to be sure that when Mikey wakes up again it’s to the immediate sight that Leo is alive and well and home.

And, if Leo’s bring honest, that’s a reminder not just for Mikey’s sake.

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt mikey #rottmnt leo #rise mikey #rise leo #portal pals #one of my favorite things about Mikey is how self assured he really is not only in his skills but in his sense of self #but no matter how confident you are how much faith in yourself and others you have anyone can be struck by what ifs #and trauma isn’t so easily brushed over #so I can easily see Mikey struggling occasionally with the notion that ah. I did it. but what if I didn’t.#bros the worlds best mystic warrior in part because he can do real miracles #but miracles are only thought to be so because they’re near impossible feats #and with the knowledge that he is capable of opening timelines…I wonder if a part of Mikey fears falling into one where he failed #now - Mikey is not one to get wrapped up in insecurity he really isn’t #but for something so important and such a possible fear? at the very least I can see his subconscious manifesting a nightmare or two #most likely more - he’s a kid after all #they all are #ANYWAY love this duo lol #almost positive I wrote something similar to this wayyyyyy long ago but bleh I’ll write it again idc idc

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secondbeatsongs · 3 days

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when you're into the Big Ship™ in a Big Fandom™, you have the luxury of having an OTP - a real One True Pairing, where you can read about just them for ages, and you will never run out of fics, and everything is perfect and beautiful and nothing hurts

but when you go to a smaller fandom, you'd better pray to whatever god you worship that someone else in this room ships the same thing that you do, and that if they do, they're writing more than late-night crackfic, because you're on thin fucking ice!

and how small is your small fandom? is it less than 100 fics? maybe even...less than 20 fics?

welp, then it's time to make peace with that god and either open up a text document or learn how to ship everything, because it's swim or drown babey! and your ship is sinking fast

anyway all of this is to say that after hanging out in small fandoms and shipping less-common pairings for a while, going back into a Big Huge Fandom™ is wild because suddenly it's like...wait, why didn't I ship these people again? I don't remember. why was I only sticking to one ship in this fandom?? boring of me, honestly. these guys should make out.

#sbs rambles #fandom #fandom stuff #ao3 #basically. I hung out in superwholock for so long back in the day #but then I got weird and cool and moved on to smaller and older and stranger fandoms #and decided to throw a party and have fun and enjoy all of the small and weird in those fandoms #and now rewatching media for a big fandom I'm like. huh. sucks to be everyone else I guess. they're missing out on some wild dynamics here #because I'm havin a blast #and like. when I mean small fandoms I mean SMALL #my one fic I wrote for one tv show makes up 25% of that entire fandom on ao3 #(double checks)#oh!!!! new fic in the fandom!!!!#my one fic only makes up 20% of that entire fandom on ao3!!!#time to throw a fuckin party! 🎉🎈🎊🥳#anyway it's really funny because based on this some folks are going to assume what ship I'm into in a Big Fandom now #but buds. you can laugh at me #I'm thinkin about sam and cas #what's up with those guys?#fucked up actually. they should hold hands about how much they love dean #:')#but also supernatural is way more fun if you watch it out of order #that's what I've realized #now if only the RNG would give me something in season 1 or 2 T_T #also if you're at the point of reading fic on livejournal or wattpad in the year 202X you've reached ''small fandom'' status #that's the rules

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morbific-or-felicific · 8 months

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-WATASHIATO Featuring Kazuha

Meaning: Curiosity about the impact you’ve had on the lives of the people you know

Word Count: 5.1k~

Description: You unfortunately catch the eye of a certain boy you used to avoid in high school

Content Warning: dubcon, shitty awful men, sex while heavily intoxicated, cream pie, manipulation

Authors Note: I wrote this to help process an experience that I had so please don’t come at me for glamourizing assault or anything like that

Edited By: @pretty-princess-peach

Join The Tag List

You had always avoided Kazuha in high school. He always smelled of weed, and you didn’t want to risk your parents thinking that you were smoking or that you were hanging around those kinds of kids. Although, part of you had always wanted to talk to him. He seemed easygoing and funny, he almost always had a smile on his face, and he was absolutely gorgeous. However, you didn’t want to risk being associated with him or his friends. They were doing drugs, after all, so they couldn’t be good kids. So you stuck with your safe friends, even if you were curious about Kazuha and his friends.

~ ♡ ~

You had graduated high school several months ago now, and you were living in residence at your university, away from your protective parents. So far, your first year of school had been fairly uneventful. While your dorm mates went to parties and slept around, you were doing your homework and staying in.

It was a little past the middle of the second semester now, and you had been growing more and more curious about your friends' lifestyles. What was it like to get drunk? What did it feel like to be high? What was sex like?

But your curious musings would have to wait, since you were almost late for class.

You finished grabbing your stuff and ran out the door, sprinting across campus to the building that your class was held in. You happened to make it just in time and took a seat next to the only friend you had managed to make while at university, Xinyan. She was a bit wild sometimes, but she never pressured you to be anything like her. She also happened to be friends with a certain white haired boy that you went to high school with, one who was currently sitting only a table away from you. However, you were still too scared to talk to him.

You had spotted Kazuha around campus a few times and had run into him once, literally. You had been turning a corner in a hurry, and you had slammed right into him. He had helped you up and apologized, even though he clearly wasn’t at fault. When you did get up and you were able to take in who you had bumped into, you were embarrassed to discover it was Kazuha. He looked like he always had, just older now and still just as pretty. He smelled the same too. You had gotten nervous and left in a hurry, but the interaction had stuck in your head ever since it had happened. I guess you were still interested in him...

You tried to focus on the class, but you were having trouble. There were still questions circulating around your head, and you were talking to Xinyan about them.

“I don’t know, I just feel like there’s so much I haven’t experienced, and I think I might be curious to try some things.”

“So would you want me to take you to a party or something? Wanna try drinking or smoking?”

“I… I don’t think I really want to do any of that.”

“Are you sure? You just afraid?”

“Maybe, I just don’t know if I would be comfy doing that stuff. It’s really bad for you, you know.”

She rolled her eyes.

“Eating oreos is bad for you, but does that stop anyone?”

“I think alcohol and oreos are a little bit different.”

“Pfft, nah. You’re crazy.”

The two of you laughed at that and turned your attention back to the lecture.

Kazuha's however was focused on what he’d just heard. You’d never drunk or done any drugs. You were completely pure. That makes sense though, considering how you had avoided him and anyone remotely like him like the plague in high school. He was sure you were a virgin too. He had never heard about you dating anyone, and given how protective your parents seemed, he was sure you hadn’t been allowed to, or something like that. It was really fascinating to him that you hadn’t rebelled at all. You had been away from your parents for almost a whole school year, and you were still doing everything they had told you to. He wondered if he could be the one to corrupt you, to taint your innocence. After all, he had been fascinated by you since high school.

The class ended, and everyone got up to leave. However, before you and Xinyan could go anywhere, you were stopped by Kazuha.

“Hey, you two.”

“Hey Kazuha, did you need something?”

“I just wanted to invite the two of you to a little party Tomo and I are having tonight.”

“Yeah, sure. That sounds fun. I don’t think this one is gonna come though.”

“Aw, why not?”

He was pouting slightly, making you feel kind of guilty for wanting to decline the invitation.

“I just don’t really do parties. I’m sorry.”

He laughed lightly.

“It’ll barely be a party, just a few people and some drinks.”

“I don’t know… I don't think it’s a good idea.”

“But-”

“She said she doesn’t want to go, okay?”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound pushy. Of course that’s fine.”

The gentle way he smiled and the way his eyes slightly crinkled made you believe him without a doubt. Of course he would never want to push you to do anything. Maybe it would be a good idea to have your first party be small and with someone safe like him…

“Actually, I think I’ll go.”

Xinyan raised her eyebrows at you.

“You know you don’t have to, right?”

“Yeah, I know. It’s just that… he’s right. If it’s barely going to be a party, then why shouldn’t I go?”

Xinyan looked concerned, but she relaxed her face.

“If you’re sure…”

“Wonderful! It’ll be Friday at my place for 9:00.”

“Pm?!”

They both turned to you smiling. God, Kazuha loved how fucking innocent you were.

“What time did you think it would start?”

“Uh, I don’t know… maybe 4 or 5?”

They both stifled their laughs.

“Then I guess I’ll see you both there.”

Kazuha walked out of the room, leaving the two of you alone.

“You know, you don’t have to come.”

“I know, but I want to go to a party eventually, and this seems like a good time to try.”

“Yeah, but-”

“You’ll take me with you on Friday right?”

“Yeah, okay.”

If you were going, then she would definitely be there for you from the time you headed over until the time you got home, even if it was supposed to be a little party.

~ ♡ ~

“So you’re up for it?”

“Yeah, sure. Why not?”

When Kazuha had gotten home, the first thing that he had done was ask his roommate if he was down to throw a little party so he could fuck a girl he had been interested in since high school. Luckily for Kazuha, Tomo was all for it.

“We haven’t done anything here for a while. That sounds fun.”

“Thanks. I owe you.”

“What’s she like anyway?”

Kazuha smiled thinking about you and how pure you were and how he was going to completely corrupt you.

“She’s very… good.”

“Good?”

“Yeah, she’s never drunk or smoked weed or even gone to a party.”

“Does that mean that she’s a virgin too?”

“I think so. It would make sense.”

“Fuck, that’s kinda hot. How’d you manage to get her to agree to come to the party?”

“I think she just trusts me. She only has one friend, and she’s friends with me, well, mostly friends.”

“Who?”

“Xinyan.”

Tomo threw his head back laughing.

“You know that girl does not trust you with the shit you’ve pulled with her friends.”

“I’ve been slowly winning her over.”

“Yeah, sure. You think she’s still gonna trust you when you ditch her good little friend?”

“I think I might actually stay with this one, at least for a little while.”

“Oooh, Kazuha’s in love~.”

“Well, I have to get her out of it enough to let me fuck her first, so I’ll let you know how that goes.”

“Godspeed man.”

Kazuha chucked and pulled out his phone, inviting some people to the party he was now planning for you.

~ ♡ ~

It was finally Friday, and you were running around your dorm getting ready for the impending party. It was 8:55pm, and Xinyan was going to be there in 5 minutes to pick you up. Apparently she normally arrived at parties later than they were set for to make sure people were there, but she gave in and agreed to head over at 9:00pm since you felt bad.

When you had mentioned to your roommates that you had been invited to a party, surprisingly enough, they all got really excited and helped you figure out what to wear. Apparently you were supposed to wear a pretty little dress and little heels as well. They had tried to take you shopping and they had found a little black dress they said was perfect, but they couldn’t quite convince you to wear it. It was too short and too low cut, and you just couldn’t feel comfortable in it. Eventually, they had agreed to figure something out with what you already had, and you had ended up in a white dress with little pink flowers that fell just above your knees as well as little flats. You had originally wanted to wear a little cardigan over it, but they had talked you out of it. It was going to be a warm spring evening, after all.

You were trying to smooth out a pesky strand of hair when you heard Xinyan knock on your door. You ran to open it for her, and she followed you around while you finished getting ready.

“So, are you excited?”

“I think I’m more nervous, but yeah, at least a little excited.”

“You know, you can still back out. You don’t have to go.”

“No, I already said I would go. I’m going.”

“Okay, fine. Are you planning on drinking or anything?”

“No, definitely not. I don’t want to do that.”

“I’ll assume that means you don’t plan on doing anything else either then?”

“I don’t. I just want to see what parties are like, okay?”

“Okay, let’s go then.”

The two of you headed out and hopped in the cab Xinyan had called.

The two of you arrived at Kazuha and Tomo’s apartment at about 9:20, since you had left a little late. You knocked on the door, and it opened to reveal Kazuha, who smelled even more like weed than when you last saw him, although you suppose it could just be the apartment.

“You two look lovely. Come on in.”

The compliment made you blush slightly. You never got compliments from guys, so who could blame you? Kazuha led the two of you into the living room where most of the people were gathered. There was music playing at a low volume flowing throughout the party. You could see smoke flowing from people’s mouths while others were sipping drinks.

“Almost everyone’s here now, so you don’t have to worry about the crowd getting much bigger.”

The two of you were about to sit down when Xinyan’s phone rang.

“Hello? I’m at a party, why? Oh shit. I’ll be right there.”

“Is everything okay?”

“No, one of my friends just had her boyfriend break up with her. I’m so sorry, I have to go. Do you want me to take you home? We can just go to a party another night.”

Kazuha leaned into you and put a hand around your shoulders.

“Don’t worry about her. I can babysit her for you.”

“Are you sure? It really is no trouble for me to take her home.”

“She wants to stay though, right?”

He looked at you with expectant eyes, and you found yourself agreeing with him.

“Yeah, I do. I can just stay with Kazuha. Don’t worry.”

Xinyan looked hesitant to leave you with him, but just then, her phone dinged again, another message from her friend.

“Okay, but if you need me, call me, okay? I’ll come get you as soon as I can.”

“She’ll be alright, don't worry. Don’t you trust me?”

The two of them stared at each other for a moment or two before Xinyan answered him.

“Just keep her out of trouble, and don’t let her drink or smoke or anything.”

“Mhm.”

She opened her mouth to say something, but her phone began to ring again. She took it and began to step away. As Xinyan left, Kazuha removed his arm from your shoulders and sat down in one of the two open spots on the couch. He patted the cushion next to him, and naturally, you sat down.

“You look beautiful tonight, love.”

“Oh, uh, thank you.” You looked at the ground. “You look nice too.”

He smiled at you. Kazuha honestly couldn’t believe his luck. He had been trying to figure out how he was going to get you away from Xinyan, but it looks like the universe was on his side tonight.

“So uh, what am I supposed to do?”

His smile widened. Oh, there were so many things you could do for him.

“Well, you’re supposed to talk, drink, smoke, and just feel good.”

“Oh, well I’m not going to smoke or drink at all.”

“Why not?”

“Well, it’s bad for you, and I just don’t understand why people would put that stuff in their bodies.”

Kazuha laughed lightly at what you had said.

“Your parents must be happy to know you’re doing everything they say, even when they aren’t around. It’s sweet. It’s like you’re a little kid.”

What? You aren’t a little kid. You're an adult now, right? Were you really still just doing what your parents wanted? Was it so bad if you were? He certainly made it feel bad…

A joint and a lighter appeared in Kazuha’s hand while you were tied up in your own thoughts, and just like that, he was smoking. You really didn’t like the smell, but you would be lying if you said you didn’t feel like you had something to prove. You aren’t a little kid who just does what her parents tell her, but did you really want to put that stuff in your body…?

Kazuha took a hit before turning his head to face you and blowing the smoke in your face. Your face scrunched up at the smell, and he laughed at your reaction.

“Sorry, I’m sure your parents don’t want you smelling like smoke either.”

That was it. You didn’t care if it was bad. You were going to try it and prove that you were as grown up as everyone else here.

“Do you think I could maybe try it…?”

Kazuha pouted at you.

“But I thought you didn’t want to smoke?”

“Uh well, I mean, if I just do it once, it’s not that bad, right?”

His pout morphed into a smile.

“Why don’t you try drinking a little first, mkay?”

“But isn’t it bad to drink and smoke?”

“No, not at all.”

“Are you sure…?”

“Come on. I wouldn’t lie to you, would I?”

“No, I’m sorry. But I don’t know if I should drink…”

“Don’t worry about it, baby. Come on, let’s go get you a drink.”

You blushed at the name and followed behind him as he stood up and led you to the kitchen. He reached into the fridge and pulled out some fruity cooler that looked like it was supposed to be strawberry flavoured. Kazuha handed you the drink and led you back to the couch.

The two of you talked while you sipped your drink and kazuha smoked. By the time you were done with your first one, you felt kind of fuzzy and a little bit out of it, but Kazuha was quick to put another drink in your hand.

You two kept talking and catching up until you had once again finished your drink. You liked how the drinks tasted. There was a slightly odd taste to them, but you didn’t mind it. You felt relaxed and kinda funny. Kazuha was making you feel quite comfortable, so when he told you to come straddle his lap, you almost did it without question.

“But… I’m wearing a dress I can’t.”

“I thought you wanted to smoke, love? Or are you just going to keep listening to your parents?”

He pouted as he waited for an answer.

“I guess I do, but do I have to sit in your lap?”

“Of course you do. Why would I lie to you?”

You considered his words and decided that he was right. You trusted him, so you stood up and sat back down, straddling his lap. You could feel your dress get pushed up your thighs as you got comfortable, and you tried your best to ignore it. Kazuha rested a hand on your hip and brought the joint to your mouth. You closed your lips around it and inhaled the smoke. Kazuha pulled it away after a moment so you could exhale, and as you did you started coughing. You really were not used to having smoke in your lungs. Kazuha had noticed the little bit of your lip gloss that had gotten on the joint, and he couldn’t help but imagine how your lipgloss would look smudged on his cock.

You stayed there until the two of you had finished the joint, although you had practically finished it on your own. When you were done, he gave you another drink, and naturally, you began to drink it. You felt so out of it. Your thoughts were moving so slowly that you could barely form a sentence, so when he told you he needed to take you to his room for something, your thoughts weren’t moving fast enough to understand that something was wrong. He pulled you through the apartment by your hand, and you followed him like a lost puppy, still sipping the drink he had handed you. Eventually, the two of you crossed the threshold into his room, and he closed the door behind you. Kazuha took the can from your hand and placed it on some surface in the room.

“Get on the bed.”

You didn’t think much of the order and just did what you were told, wanting to make him happy and frankly being tired of standing. The bed was firm, almost surprisingly so, and you sat on the edge, not sure what would happen next. Kazuha pushed your chest down so you were laying on your back. You stared up at the ceiling as you heard the sound of clothes coming off. You felt your legs get lifted and your body was spun so you were laying properly on the bed. Kazuha climbed on top of you and stared down at you. You looked so perfect to him. Your hair was spread out on the bed, and you stared up at him with complete trust. He leaned in and started kissing you, and surprisingly, you really didn’t mind it. His lips were warm and inviting, and in your state, you didn’t stop to think that you might not be doing this sober. He continued to kiss you as he started to slide a hand up your side, slowly traveling to cup your breast. As he touched you, he realized that you weren’t wearing a bra under your dress, how (titular…hehe) convenient.

He pulled away from you so he could watch your face as he thumbed at your nipples over your dress. Although you were sluggish and couldn’t really form words, you let out a little whine, and shifted around a bit. Kazuha leaned down and licked the fabric over your nipples, eliciting a little gasp from you. He continued playing with your tits until he got bored and tried to start sliding your dress off of you. You felt his hands start to slide up your thighs, moving your dress along with them. Of course, you noticed this, and you moved your hands to try and stop him. You whined something incomprehensible and batted at his hands, trying to wiggle the skirt of your dress back down. You didn’t like how cold the air was… . Of course, Kazuha’s hands didn’t stop. He was much stronger than you, and really, it wasn’t hard to ignore your weak attempts at fighting him.

“Shhhh shhhh, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

His reassurance was enough to make you give up on your fight as he slid your dress up and off of your body. Your body felt heavy, and it was a lot easier to listen to him than it was to try and stop him, even if it was cold… . With your dress now off, Kazuha drank you in. You were so pretty, your little hands trying to cover your boobs, and your cute little pink cotton panties that had a little pink bow on the band. Kazuha let a hand wander between your thighs. He pressed down where he thought your clit would be and started making little circles, causing you to start squirming. You used all of your remaining strength to lift your arms, trying to pull at his wrist and make the weird feeling go away. You mumbled something as you tried to pull at his hand to no avail.

“No, no, baby. You’re alright.”

You tried to protest, but it only came out as a mumble, which was easily ignored. Kazuha grabbed your wrists in one hand and pushed them into the bed, holding them above your head. He started pulling at the waistband of your panties until they slid past your ankles. You tried to roll over to feel less exposed, but once again you were stopped, this time by a hand on your stomach.

“No, princess. You’re not going anywhere, okay?”

You mumbled something again, but it was ignored, again. Kazuha pushed your knees up to your shoulders and leaned his head down between your legs. He might as well show you everything if he was going to be your first. He flattened his tongue against your pussy and licked a stripe up it, causing a whine to make its way out of your mouth. Fuck, you tasted so good. He closed his lips around your clit and sucked, reveling in the satisfaction that he was the first person to make you feel this way. After a little while, your whines were no longer enough to keep him entertained, and he pushed his fingers into your mouth, pushing them back and forth until he was satisfied. His fingers now wet, he pushed them inside of you, and when he heard you whine out, “Too big…hurts,” he couldn’t help the groan that pushed its way out of his throat. If you thought that his fingers were big, he couldn’t wait to see how you would react to his cock splitting you open.

Kazuha pushed a third finger into you and was met with more whining from you.

“Shhh, shhhh, my love. I already told you, it’s okay.”

He did his best to stretch you out so that you would be ready for him. He didn’t want to hurt you too badly, after all. After a little longer, he figured he had prepped you enough, and he removed his fingers from inside of you, wiping them off on his cock. He spit in his hand and used it to lube up his cock just a little more. Kazuha readjusted himself and lined himself up with your hole. He started pushing inside, and you couldn’t help but yelp a little bit as you felt his head pop into your hole and stretch you far more than his fingers had. He groaned again as he felt your warm insides starting to encompass his dick. To prevent anyone coming in to check on any questionable sounds, Kazuha covered your mouth with a hand before he pushed the rest of his cock inside of you in a single stroke. This time, you let out a little scream at the sudden pain of him going all the way in so fast. However, thankfully for him, your scream was significantly muffled by his hand covering your mouth. The groan that he emitted when he pushed all of the way inside of you was ringing in your ears. It made you blush, and you could feel yourself tighten around his cock a bit.

Kazuha began thrusting in and out of you, hard and fast. He let go of your wrists, but your arms stayed put. You were already tired, and the way he was fucking you was only ridding you of more energy, if that was even possible. However, you did still have the energy to moan and whine. Kazuha was making you feel so good. You had never felt this way before. You had always been too afraid to even touch yourself, so everything you were feeling was completely new.

You were starting to feel a little funny, and everything began growing more and more intense. Kazuha had started to play with your clit, and with that, you were about to cum. However, all that you could process was the growing overload of good feelings where your body and Kazuha’s met. It felt like a knot that was about to snap, and suddenly, it did. You could feel your muscles tense up, and you were seeing stars. You let out a moan that was probably a little too loud, but neither you nor Kazuha really cared, since Kazuha was being pushed over the edge by the way you were pulsing and squeezing around him.

“Fuck, baby, you feel so fucking good. I’m gonna fill you up, gonna show you how it feels to be dripping with my cum.”

And with that declaration, he was cumming, filling you up, just like he said he would. You were about ready to fall asleep and assumed everything was over now. However, when you felt Kazuha start to move again, you realized things were quite far from over.

“Come on, baby. Gotta make sure your first time is so good. Gotta fuck you all night, okay?”

And with that, you felt yourself completely relax, having no more energy left in your body. This was going to be a long night.

~ ♡ ~

You woke up with heavy eyelids, a splitting headache, and a sore body. You weren’t entirely sure where you were at first, but eventually, things started coming back to you. Oh god, had you really gotten that drunk last night? And had you really lost your virginity to Kazuha…?

As your thoughts ran, Kazuha walked into the room with two plates of pancakes wearing just a pair of grey sweatpants with his hair tied back in a bun. When you heard him walk in, you suddenly became very aware of how naked you were and tried to hide further under the blankets.

“Oh, come on. You have nothing to hide. I saw everything last night.”

He smiled so sweetly, and you couldn’t help but feel stupid for trying to hide from him. He walked over to you and sat down on the bed, handing you one of the plates of pancakes.

“Did you make me pancakes…?”

“Well, I made us pancakes, and I definitely didn’t make them from scratch, so no need to be impressed.”

“Thank you…”

He pouted at your lack of enthusiasm.

“What’s wrong, princess?”

You looked at the blanket, blushing and trying to formulate your sentence.

“I… I just don’t know how to feel about what happened last night…”

He pouted again.

“But you seemed to like it so much.”

“I mean, I guess I did. I just… I don’t know… I just wish I had done that with my boyfriend or something…”

“Oh, so you do have a boyfriend, hmm?”

“No, no, I don’t! I just would have rather done that with someone I was in a relationship with…”

“Well, if you’re single, why don’t you just date me?”

“Date you?!”

“Is it really such a terrible idea?”

He looked positively dejected.

“No, It’s just… I didn’t think you would ever want to date me…”

“Awww, baby, of course I wanna date you.”

“Really…?”

“I made you pancakes, didn’t I?”

He smiled at you goofily.

“I just didn’t think you’d want to date someone like me. I’m not a lot of fun, you know…”

That made him roll his eyes.

“Well, last night, you proved just how fun you really are.”

Kazuha really wasn’t lying. He was absolutely crazy about you at this point. Hell, he even made you pancakes. He enjoyed the way you stared at him with a mix of curiosity and apprehension, clearly not used to how different from you he was. And he couldn’t deny that he was absolutely hooked on your pussy…but that’s not important. But anyway, for once, he wasn’t just trying to get in your pants…even if he was still technically trying to get in your pants.

Before you could respond to him, your phone started to ring. It was Xinyan. She was calling to make sure that you had gotten home safe from the party, but when you told her that you were still at Kazuha’s, she immediately hung up on you. However, after only a few seconds Kazuha’s phone began to ring, Xinyan, again. The second he answered it, you could hear shouting coming from the other end. You couldn’t make out a lot, but you were able to make out a few things like, “FUCKING MANWHORE!” and, “IF YOU HURT ANOTHER ONE OF MY FUCKING FRIENDS!” After a few minutes of Xinyan getting her anger out on him, he eventually just gave up and hung up. She tried to get him to answer a few more times before trying to call you again. But before you could answer, Kazuha took your phone and put it out of your reach.

“Enough of her right now. You need to eat your pancakes before they get cold.”

“Yes, sir!”

“Mmm, if you wanna say that again, I wouldn’t be opposed.”

You blushed and started cutting your pancakes.

“Sorry, babe. Didn’t mean to fluster you.”

Kazuha leaned over and gave you a little peck on the lips before cutting into his own pancakes with a smile. He was looking forward to actually having a girlfriend of his own, even if he was going to annoy Tomo with all of his rather unfortunately descriptive poetry about you.

Tag List: @lilia-sspouse @but-a-peach @stannazuna @izzalovesdilfs @lordbugs @randomlycockroach @licensedsimp @leena-shi @cesimaaa @welpthisisfine @dainself-when-playable @fic-rebloga @bubblyxdolly @wanderin-stories @iwysbellez @k4ze3e @kenmabfasf @vvyeislazzy @nerdiel-has-no-braincells @hopeless-smvt

#mae’s daily paper☕️*•̊ⴰ✧#mae.melts🧊*•̊ⴰ��#kazuha.❣︎•*✧ ̊ⴰ #so i know this is a little darker than what i usually post #but i wrote it for me but ended up really liking how i wrote it so i decided to post it anyway #anyway i hope that you guys like it but if it’s not for you that is completely fine i understand and have a nice day!#kazuha x you #kazuha x reader #kazuha x y/n #kazuha x female reader #kazuha smut #genshin smut #genshin x reader #genshin x you #genshin x y/n #afab reader #female reader #tw dubcon #tw manipulation

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the-magpie-archives · 1 year

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Several times recently I've found myself making tea whilst listening to The Magnus Archives, and as a result I've developed a silly little headcanon...

I'm not sure if it's a nationwide thing, but certainly throughout my life I've experienced the weird stigma of having sugar in your tea. It's not direct or aggressive, but there always seems to be this vague notion that sweetening your tea makes you less strong, less manly. I rarely see men ask for sugar, and often observe an obvious proudness in teenage boys when they say "no sugar, thanks."

Picture Jonathan Sims, newly appointed archivist, worried he's not good enough, placed haphazardly in power of people who were very recently peers, and desperately trying to prove he's the right man for the job. Everything seems to be falling apart a bit, and he's not at all sure his assistants have any faith in him; he had to ask for a tape recorder because he couldn't get his laptop to work properly - that's embarrassing.

Now imagine Martin: office sweetheart, gets along with pretty much anyone, just moved to a new position working with two close friends, and the attractive guy from research is his boss (he's a bit rude and stuck up, but it's probably just the stress, right?). He's pretty comfortable! Aside from the occasional snide remark from Jon it is a good job, which is especially pleasing considering how he got to work at the institute in the first place.

Two opposing forces, as we all well know! But what's better at building bridges than a nice cup of tea? Martin makes a lot of tea, but I like to think he memorises how everyone takes theirs. Regardless, he has to ask at least once.

And so, kind, sweet, gentle Martin, his offer of a cup of tea promptly accepted, would have the misfortune of saying, "do you take that with sugar?" to an embarrassed, flustered Jon, who's trying desperately not to confront any romantic feelings he might have hidden away. The ensuing scoff and slightly too enthusiastic 'No! Thank you.' would be enough to remember that preference for a while.

As times go on, hundreds of cups of tea later, things get less tense between the pair, and Martin never has to revisit the question; but late one night, shortly before Jon is to leave for Great Yarmouth and Martin is to risk it all to take down Elias, Jon places a hand gently on Martin's shoulder and asks "Could I have a cup of tea?". Of course Martin says yes, it's the least he could do, but as he turns to go and make it, Jon calls out again. "With sugar, please."

Just a tiny vulnerability, but enough. By that point most of Jon's facade has been torn roughly away many times, but letting go of small points of pride often means more than non-deliberate actions. Having enough bravery to admit to liking something soft and sweet is harder than you'd think.

Maybe during those six months after, Martin would watch the sugar dissolve into his own tea with a painful melancholy, the sweetness a bitter memory.

#This is so much soppier than the stuff I usually write‚ but the mind wants what the mind wants 😌#I was planning to write this as fluff only but that's not where it wanted to go #But God. It's literally just like Peter Lukas said‚ cos they love eachother so much and so intensely #But how much do they ever really know about eachother? It shows how much they truly love eachother who who they are #But it also makes it so much more tragic that they loved eachother so much yet they never got to know everything about the other...#Anyways that's enough of that!#tma #the magnus archives #the magnus institute #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #Jmart #Jonmartin #teaholding #tma headcanons #Fun fact I actually wrote this instead of writing case studies for real life because the only academia in my brain is tma...#Also if you read this far put in the tags how many sugars you take in your tea... I'm curious...#I'm a monster so I take 3 or just pour roughly that amount into the cup :/

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paint-it-red-and-black · 6 months

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"oh, Charles, you're such an angel."

Max hears it often. he picks up the phrases chirped by the girls around. it was said by fans, PR managers and once he had even heard it from a Ferrari mechanic. and Max totally and utterly disagrees.

Charles is no angel. on and off the track.

he is a bloody menace.

because angels don't look like that. with a slight squint when there's a storm brewing in the depths of green eyes in the middle of a sunny day.

angels don't get so angry you're afraid to approach. angels don't hold grudges. angels are quick to forgive.

angels don't smile like that. smirking, a little arrogant, covering it with their innocence. and showing a little of the soft tip of the tongue between their teeth.

angels are measured. they take their time. they are neat and tidy. they never make a mess of crumpled sheets and clothes.

angels are gentle. angels never squeeze skin until it bruises, bite until it darkens, or pull hair so hard it brings tears to the eyes.

and even more so, angels don't moan. not painfully, but sweetly, like melted chocolate with marzipan that leaves marks on your fingers. hot. frank. naked. absolutely wasted.

angels don't expose their necks, don't bare collarbones, giving more space for someone’s lips to leave marks.

angels don't press closer, scratching back until it’s bleeding. angels don’t choke on passion and never create their own.

but he falls asleep in the most angelic way. with his nose against Max's neck and the blanket pulled up to his eyes. he throws an arm and a leg over the body next to him, pulls closer, smiles warmly, and lowers his long fluffy eyelashes.

people easily fall for it.

"oh, Charles, you're such an angel."

but Max knows that Charles isn't an angel at all. he's a real demon in the flesh. but it's much easier to love him like that.

#lestappen #drabble #red and black drabble #i don't know wtf has happened to me i never wrote anything guess im going crazy and its lestappen's fault #I'll do whatever just not to study pružnost a pevnost #its like strength and flexibility of materials in czech?.. creepy shit but very important #and english of course is not my first language so i really hope that i didn't do any mistakes #but i love their duality and how everyone percieves Charles as “angel” when he's a real menace #so yeah i hope you enjoyed #have a great day everyone!!

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inkskinned · 2 years

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not to romanticize my mental issues but sometimes having adhd is very useful because today during a meeting that could have been an email i kept thinking about crabs wearing small tophats and having little dancing parties and how they'd sound in tap shoes.

and when my boss was like "raquel what do you think?"

i was like "well, i think the others have made good points about this, of course, and i'd be happy to circle around later on it, but i'd love to take a moment and resonate with this before offering my own suggestion. i want to hear what others think before anticipating the client's needs."

and then i went back to not listening but this time it was imagining snails that joust.

#me: hehe funny #the hatemail: you should be fired immediately the fact you are scum enough to NOT LISTEN #in a SINGLE MEETING #that was about a project you DONT WORK ON #means that you are EVIL and SUCKING UP TIME #like bro .... idk how to tell u this sometimes people be in meetings they don't need to be in #i only got asked to participate bc there's an element of the project that resembles #a piece i wrote a while back #and i know this element exists bc #we've already had a meeting where i told them what i did how i did it and what i suggest #so there's nothing else for me to add really #also im close with all the coworkers who are working on that element #and they just gchat me their questions #idk how to tell u this but someone zoning out in a single 30 minute meeting where they LITERALLY #don't work on that project ?#that's just fucking anti-capitalism baby #i was being a revolutionary

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aroanthy · 22 days

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kiryuu sibling stasis post-32 is so interesting to me. nanami tries to leave and is (temporarily but also, crucially, violently) prevented from doing so by touga and akio. after this experience she puts distance between herself and them: she leaves touga’s phone in the car, she resigns from the student council (though she dons her old uniform still), she repeatedly dismisses and undermines the authority of the rose code, of end of the world, of akio, of touga. but she’s still in ohtori, isn’t she? uncomfortable with the idea of leaving, uncertain if it’s really possible. she tried before, and it hurt her. deeply. it’s so interesting to me, nanami’s agency and how she limits her exertion of it after 32, when she realises it for what it is. contrast that with touga, who accepts this weird stalemate between them, who is, really, uninterested in having any relationship of any kind with nanami if he can’t gain something from her. he’s very passive with her after 32, compared to the passivity he’d always feigned towards her before in order to stoke reactions from her and then exploit them. i was thinking about how touga has always been able to sever his relationship with nanami, but chosen not to; first out of a sense of obligation (‘we should live to help each other’) then a realisation of how that could be exploited. i was thinking about how nanami has never realised her ability to leave, in part because it is limited by touga and the harm he does her. i was thinking about the desperation and confusion akio calls out to anthy with as she leaves. i was thinking about how different that is to the kiryuus’ strange semi-breakdown; touga doesn’t want or need nanami, and nanami might love her brother but she cannot trust him or feel safe around him, doesn’t want to see him anymore; she’s itching to leave, and just a little scared (you know, because last time she tried that her brother assaulted her), and he’s not doing anything because ignoring her means he doesn’t have to deal with the emotions of her leaving or staying. something something gendered power dynamics something something tragic siblings

#local kiryuu sibling enjoyer has thoughts about them #i wrote this like three days ago but it’s getting posted now i have to speak my truth #touga loves a bit of inaction #nanami doesn’t but what the fuck else is she gonna do?? be brave? she tried that already #and she WILL try it again and i don’t think touga will try particularly hard to stop her #i think he might try a little but in doing so he’ll just become more aware of how much he doesn’t want to do that #and is only doing it bc of a vague sense of obligation to a perspective on life that he’s already questioned a la utena #im just. i have so many feelings about them. i bet none of you were aware of that fact already #i am once again wondering: does touga love nanami? what does that mean for each of them?#and im concluding: i really don’t think he does #i think he’s felt obligation to her and turned bitter towards that emotion and her in turn #i think he has no idea how to feel about her so he ignores the problem and exploits HER feelings as he thinks he understands them #until he realises that he doesn’t and has to deal (a little bit) with the ramifications of that #touga and anthy when nanami makes them self reflect. or swagever. the 32 way. neither of them would ever admit this but it’s true #dais.txt #her tragedy her triumph

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drawnfamiliarfaces · 17 days

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i've never even seen the show First is from and yet i love your First x Chase Young ship so i have to ask. If anything did HAPPEN between the two of them what sort of emotions would they be dealing with afterwards?

Wow, this is such an unexpectedly nice compliment for me? Cause it means, you are a Chase/XS fan, who saw my crack ship and went 'I don't know what's going on, but I enjoy your silly little ship, funny crossover shipper.' and you know what? It's very nice and made me happy. ;) Thank you!

And well who said nothing ever happened between them lol IF anything happened between those two (be it emotional or physical ;3), their default way of dealing it would be DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL, in similar but also in slightly different ways.

Chase Young is a man who seemingly doesn't do softer emotions. Any possible feelings and reactions who could be attributed to him actually caring about First Ninja, are re-labeled in his head into him doing all of this because he is trying to manipulate First on his side (and he totally still is, but he also now wants to feed that man, talk with him during long evenings and perhaps take a nap with him, you know, disgusting cute domestic stuff amidst oh i dunno- taking over the world and being evil together. >;))

First Ninja on the other hand, is very much aware that for things to go this far means that he is absolutely having emotions about Chase. But he is also in denial, because how can he betray all of his moral standing and beliefs, if he starting to care about someone like Chase Young? So he shoves it so far deep, he is in denial about denial, and turns completely blind to anything even resembling them being something more than opponents who tentavely respect one another.

#que?#ninja showdown #my immortal soul #is it strange that out of those two i absolutely view Chase is the one who would voice out his wishes& feelings first #if only because Chase Young isn't one to deny himself things he really wants #(of course he has to realize that he wants them in that way first and that might take awhile)#and First Ninja is the one who WOULD deny himself anything just because it doesnt line up with his responsibilities and morals #even if he most likely will be the one to realize his emotions first. he also would have hard time believing sincerity of Chase's feelings #a very strange juxtaposition between the one who puts himself first and the one who never puts himself first #also not gonna lie. I wrote out. like several paragraphs about my headcanons about physical intimacy between those two &how they view it #but than I realized that its probably TMI for an anon ask that didnt ask for that xD so i decided not to subject you to my rants &deletedit #but still sorry

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