#i put my worth to my grades and thats my mistake
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how do I deal with stress from school
#its not just any kind of stress btw it was so bad last year to the point i ended up getting internal bleeding#the same thing is happening again currently. i hope not atleast. ive taken some vitamins today and my stool color changed#so i really hope its just due to the vitamins#I cant keep up w it anymore#i put my worth to my grades and thats my mistake#i give my best and get a bad grade. i resort to cheating and get a bad grade. man#i changed frkm a private school to a public school and the systems are really different#i wish i could do school is the thing#i wish i could effortlessly get good grades but its not happening#i think im js burned out#my therapist said she wants me to take a break from everythjng. because not only am i constantly stressed with school but family n friends#add onto that
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Graceland too
Clarisse la rue x fem!reader (Athena's kid)
Sumarry: When a certain daughter of Athena felt unappreciated her whole life, someone was there to see her.
Warnings: Sad girl hours, shitty parenthood, hurt/comfort because im no monster and probably other things wich i forgot.
a/n: look who is back!
Demigod.
Half blood.
Half a goddess.
Half a human (?).
And yet, fully a disappointment.
When Athena sent me to my Dad's house, in a golden crib, dressed in pure white dress, glowing, how the myths would expect a demigod to be, then, and only right then i was a gift.
A piece o divine love, something to prove to him, till the end of his life, that at some point, he was good enough for a Goddess.
But days after, immediately, i was just a crying baby, hungry, with a busy father, without a mother, and that only made him remember that, that was it.
He wasnt good enough for her, she wasnt staying, she never even actually even considered, he would never have that kind of honour, only a crying baby he never expected.
I wasnt a gift anymore, it actually felt like i was a insult, everything about me started to enrage him.
And oh, how did he reminded me of that every single day of my existence.
When i got diagnosed with dyslexia all i've heard whas that Athena gave me up to him because i was defective, when i couldnt sit still during classes, and exploded with all the repression i suffered everyday, suddently i was a clock bomb, when my grades where great, i was never rewarded, it was "the least i could do, to make up for the shame that i was".
I was never loved, never wanted, never encouraged, at least not by him.
The very little love i've known in my life, i own to the people who felt pitty of me.
The teachers, the neighbours who have heard the insults, the stray animals who could sense sadness, the very old grandparents who never actually saw me more than twice a year, and the people who worked at a nerby library, who let me stay past closing time, leaving only with the cleaners.
I was 12 when he had enough and sent me to camp, literally the very day school was over.
I came home to my clothes packed and him waiting by the car keys.
Being in camp for the first time, was also the very first time in my life i have ever felt....normal.
Not good, not bad, not great, not terrible, i was one, and that was enough.
I spend that summer being quiet, i sat in the corner, i didnt spoke, i didnt interrupted, i didnt had any ideas, i wasnt good enough to do that, thats what i've been told my whole life, thats my true.
It took a whole new summer for Athena to claim me.
I have always wondered if she was fighting with herself, if she had any problems having to admit that she made a mistake, with me, or with him.
It didn't matter, for the first time i had brothers and sisters, who wanted me, who understood when i wasnt the best, who asked for my graded tests, to put up in the wall.
They understood when i was hard to crack, when i insisted in being quiet, when i wouldnt share my ideas, they understood it all.
I didn't.
Each and every new summer i spent there, all i could ask myself was:
Why could i not be great like all of them?
Why im still afraid?
Why i was still useless?
Im now sixteen and the same questions still were unanswered.
And today i felt worse than ever.
It was my birthday, and i havent got a single letter from him, nothing, nothing.
It felt like he was saying i wasnt worth anything again.
Earlier, i tried to pretend nothing was happening, smiling with my siblings, finally making plans for capture the flag, finally belonging like i promissed i would try to do that year.
My plan was used, it wasnt perfect, but it was used, and surprising myself and the other team, we won.
I could see the other team confused, and Clarisse cussing us to death.
Still i was so happy, for the first time in my life i showed myself, and i worked....partially.
The happiness of victory didnt last much in me, because i saw a new brother of mine almost bursting to tears, he was young and just got claimed a few days ago, he wasnt used to that, and he wasnt supose to get hurt, but the red that painted his arms said otherwise.
I couldnt stare at him without feeling like i failed again.
Why couldnt i be perfect for once?
I took him to infirmary and held his hand while he was getting his stiches, saying sorry all the time.
I tried thinking it was okay, people get hurt, move on.
I had diner, i took a bath, i tried to sleep, i couldnt.
The tears were falling down and i knew i wouldn't be quiet.
So i got up and walked to the cabin's porch, sitting on the last step and letting my head fall to my knees.
Why couldnt i be great?
Why couldnt i be in peace with myself?
Why couldnt my mom bless me?
Why couldnt my dad love me?
Why did he had to be so mean?
I was a kid for fucks sake.
"Are you okay?" I heard someone saying, that made me freeze, that voice was not from any of my sisters, was i crying so hard i woke up someone from other cabin?
"I- yes, sorry i didn't knew i was crying so hard to wake people from other cabins, im sorry"
"You didn't, i was sneaking out to train some more, and saw you, our cabins face each other"
That was...Clarisse?
I wiped my tears and look up, she was staring at me with a almost worried look
"Clarisse?"
"Yes, why are you crying?"
She sat down by my side, dropping a sword in the grass.
"Its nothing really, im fine, you dont need to bothe-"
"No, cut the crap" she stopped me mid sentence "no one ever weeps in the middle of the night out of happiness, you are not fine and im not letting you lie OR leave until you tell me what it is"
We stare at each other, and ill need to thank the night light being bad because i probably look like crap right now, im sure my eyes are red, my nose too, im probably with a very swollen face and id bet all the dracmas i own that my hair its no better than a nest of birds.
"Go on...tell me"
I layed myself in the stairs, looking at the sky, trying to think of a way to tell everything, without sounding crazy
"I dont deserve to be here, Clarisse."
"Here..where?"
"This cabin, i dont deserve to be called daughter of the goddess of wisdom, i dont deserve being here with them, my siblings they are great, more than good, great, they will do great things with themselfs, amazing writers, architects, brilliant musicians, historians, why am i here? Im not even good, why im with the great?"
"Wait wait wait" she made me sit down again and look at her "not even good? What are you talking about? Wasnt the strategy in the last capture the flag yours? Yall won, and if somebody asks me later i've never said this but that was good, some really good strategy, i was almost thinking of asking chiron to switch you teams, you were great, more than that, and now you're here telling me you are not egen good? Are you on drugs?"
"Clarisse you dont need to pretend you care that much, and my plan wasnt all that, my brother got hurt, that wasnt supose to happen, i failed him, if i was good enough he wouldnt even be there"
She had a very confused look on her face, like she really did not knew what i was talking about.
"You're not talking about the little boy you took to the infirmary and that small cut in his forearm are you? Cause that boy was far from almost dying like you are making it sound like-" she looked at my eyes, i didnt needed a mirror to have sure how i was, i've seen myself like that too much to count, everytime my dad said i wasnt good enough, sad, lifeless.
"I failed again Clarisse, im not good enough to be here, im useless, worthless"
She looked at me and did the last thing i tought she would, Clarisse hugged me.
"Dont say that, c'mon, worthless? I've seen you fight, i've seen your plans, you dont talk much but i've heard your ideas, you are far from being useless or worthless, who the fuck told you that?"
"My f- you heard me?" I looked at her, only to see a look i couldnt distinguish "what do you mean?"
She looked at her own feet, then at her sword, reflecting the moonlight.
"You really dont know?" She looks at me "i- well, i've heard you, the same way i see you everyday, thats how i know you like morning walks, sweet green grapes, baked goods...how i know you are probably the only child of Athena who has never read "the art of war", that you walk without looking at peoples faces....its weird, i've seen you so much throughout this years and it feels like this is the first time you are actually seeing me"
"But i've saw you before-"
"Thats not what i was saying, you looked at me many times, but did you ever saw me until today?"
I looked at her blinking, and after a moment of silent i said "you like dark chocolate, and lemon flavoured soda, and sneaking out to train when the harpies take their breaks, by the way you missed that, and you always ask for double the quantity of food you eat, so when you burn it you still can eat enough, by the way i stole that idea-"
She is smilling, big, really big, i think i am too.
Of course i saw Clarisse, who wouldnt, she was strong, brave, beautiful, to me was a wonder she didnt had people running to get her attention.
She got closer to me "does that mean i can-" i stopped her mid sentence again
"Maybe..."
"Im going to make you forget that "im not good enough" nonsense, belive me"
She is smilling while kissing me, and i am too.
#fanfic#lesbian#clarisse la rue x reader#clarisse pjo#pjo series#pjo tv show#clarisse la rue#clarisse x reader
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LETS GO BABY ANOTHER FIC YIPPEE
— Top Of Our School
summary : you and riddle have always been at eachothers neck, aiming to have a higher score than the other in any test. but when a project worth 60% of your grade shows up and you and riddle are paired together, you have to put your hatred aside.
cw : nothin much, swearing, gn!reader
a/n : riddle x reader academic rivals to lovers is the best trope, change my mind - theres also a change from 1st person to 2nd randomly so
riddle was annoying. acting like he knows whats right and whats wrong, all high and mighty with his crown and scepter, collaring anyone who dare disobey. what a prick.
every time we had a test, i could see his stupid face, how his lips were practically stuck in a smug way, then he would look at me with that smug look. fucking bastard. i always gave him a tight lipped smile.
we'd been at eachothers neck for seven knows how long - one test hes above my mark and the next ive beaten him by a mark or two. back and forth like a swing. i despise him.
i hate him with his big pretty grey eyes that stare at my mark with a hateful look, knowing ive beaten him once again. i hate his perfect lips that quirk into a smile when he sees ive lost. i hate the way his eyebrows furrow everytime hes lost. i hate his guts.
"alright. you have a project due in four weeks. you must work in pairs, which i have chosen for this," crewel spoke as he began to pair people together. you could only hope youd be paired with someone good.
"riddle and..[name]." crewels voice rang through your ears, and you stopped breathing. what? riddle? that must be a mistake, theres no way.
after the lesson finished, you walked up to crewel, an angelic smile on your face to persuade, "crewel, sir - is there any chance i could swap partners? im not sure me and..riddle will work together very well," you asked as politely as you could muster in this situation.
"sorry pup, but i cant. even still, you two have the highest grades - what makes you think you wont work well together?" way to crush a persons hope
"well, sir - we just dont..communicate very well." you chuckled nervously, clenching your teeth together.
"well this project is worth 60% of your grade so..you best start learning to communicate better." crewel chuckled. you could feel your pride shatter.
walking out of the classroom, you groaned. until a voice spoke
"so we're paired together." riddles annoying obnoxious voice spoke up.
"WHY ARE-" you breathed, "why are you here?!"
"because we need to work together. let us head to the library." he walked off, and you stood there, eye twitching. the next two weeks were going to be hell.
or thats what you thought. but after two weeks, it wasnt as bad as you thought. though hes ever so headstrong about the million and one rules up his ass, its surprisingly not as hard to talk to him.
"–that is it for today. we will continue this tomorrow, as per usual." riddle stood up from his seat in ramshackle, gathering all of his belongings.
"wait, why do you always have to end it at-" you looked at the time on your phone, reading 4:00, "- four?"
"because rule—"
"oh my seven, stop with the rules for once," you groanes, standing up. riddle looked shocked, staring at your figure
"pardon? what did you say?" he spoke, his eyes blown with anger.
"i said stop with the rules for once. take a break or something, or stay here and get more of this project done," you walked over to him, trapping him against the wall, looking down at him. you moved your face closer to his, using you hand to holding chin, almost studying him. you could feel riddles face heat up beneath your fingers, and his breath hitching as your lips came scarily close.
chuckling, you stepped back, "or dont. you can leave, i dont care," you shrugged, tidying up your stuff.
"w-well–..i suppose i can stay a bit..longer," riddles voice spoke shakily. you turned back around to face him, raising a brow at his sudden change of decision. but instead of looking at your eyes, he looked between your lips and the floor.
"eyes up here, rids." you pointed to your eyes, watching how his face exploded in red
"i-i know-!"
he was cut off with your lips against his, "you seemed so enthralled by me, i thought id let you have a taste."
riddle felt like he was going to faint, no words escaping him. but he wasnt mad, infact, he was very happy.
maybe being paired together was fate.
a/n : grinning like the cheshire cat ASF 😝😝😝
#riddle x reader#riddle twst#twst#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland riddle#riddle rosehearts#riddle rosehearts x reader
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sis: i want our lives to overlap 🥺
sis: [ is not capable of having a conversation with another person without putting all the blame on THEM for all the problems in the relationship bc she is doing ! her ! best ! at all times! nonstop! and there is no accountability for her to take! why would there be! ]
just overhearing her talking with mom and she went from crying talking fast over mom to calm quieter still talking over her.
is it any surprise i dont wanna maintain a relationship w these ppl when every conversation turns into an argument 🙄
she's like constantly talking with marketing-adjacent psych terms lmao. take a REAL psych class girly
they have both made statements to the effect of "i'm done! i'm just not going to talk with you! i'm going to give up, since nothing i ever do works!" like haha as if. neither of you ever stick to what you say. no one in this family is reliable. lol
why on earth do any of them think *i* am the way i am?
i get physically ill over not being able to keep plans with ppl when i make a mistake in my scheduling or something sudden comes up. like really. they know this ain't normal. they give me surprised looks when i do exactly as i say. like girly pops WHAT is the point of speaking if your words have no weight. at least the only lies i tell and promises i break are all to myself, so thats no one else's business
"stop yelling at me!" girl you're also yelling
victim complex vs victim complex! fight!
oh mom bringing up sis acting a certain way the past 6-7 years i.e. since she was a teen? girl? did you know her actions as a teen are YOUR responsibility as the parent? ohhh the "parental alienation"
"did you break the door?" 🙄 "i'm being bullied by you!!" "you do these things all the time!"
your honour they're both mentally ill and i want no part of it. i have to try to not engage in any conversation about this last argument with either of them, later. i cannot middle ground therapy my way out of it for real. beyond my pay grade. my solution? get individual therapy and learn how to talk, or end the conversation while it's still civil. seriously. biting my tongue yeah, actually? i'm better than all of these people and it is not a high bar
too bad "better than them" won't give me any sense of self worth.
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deep breath, do your job | owen joyner
requested; yes! - Could you do a Owen x reader where the reader is Owens personal assistant while filming JATP and while they are filming the reader starts catching feelings for Owen but Owen is in a relationship. Owen and his girlfriend breakup and the reader comes over to comfort Owen and Owen confesses that the reason him and his girlfriend broke up was because of the reader.
word count; 6.4K ... yeah kinda got away from me there. longest fic i’ve ever written
warnings; language, implied sexual content but no actual sex or description thereof
a/n; lol, so i just wrote from 1AM - 4AM because i’m procrastinating my child dev. project thats due today that’s worth a quarter of my grade. i really didn’t mean for this to be so long so it’s probably not this good and the ending is a lil’ rough, but oh well. hope whoever requested this likes it. i kinda do even though it’s long and only slightly proofread.
“Owen Patrick Joyner! Get your ass into hair and makeup before - oh, um, okay oops. Sorry ‘bout that. Should have knocked. I’ll just - yep, i’ll just go.”
You thought he’d be sleeping. It’s nap time for him anyway, so he should’ve been sleeping. Instead, your technically boss and definite crush, was on his trailer couch with a girl you’ve never seen before. Kissing her. Without a shirt. Yeah, you definitely need to get out of there.
You’re quick to close his door and begin to walk back to the hair and makeup trailer to tell them Owen will be a minute.
“Y/N! Hey! Wait up! It’s um, it’s not, well it is, but -” He grabs your arm, causing you to turn around and face him, which, big mistake. Abort. Abort. Turn around. His post make out face is something you did not want to see. Liar.
“It’s fine Owen. What you do in your free time is not my, well, actually it is since i’m your PA, I just mean who - WHAT, what you do in your personal time, in your trailer, is not my concern. Just, you’re needed in hair and makeup like, an hour ago. So, yeah, just, get there.” You stumble over half your words and watch his face fall as you near the end of your spiel. When he lets go of your arm you’re quick to turn around and leave him alone, walking right past hair and makeup and to set where you can curl up in your chair and eat your weight in brownies, if Madi hasn’t taken them all that is. You hope he goes to get his hair done. You know you should walk with him there because if you’re not practically dragging him to where he needs to go he never gets there on time, as just witnessed. But it’s usually because he’s goofing off with Charlie, not sucking face with a random girl.
You don’t notice the brownie in your hand has crumbled until a whistle comes from behind you. You turn around a little too quickly, sending the brownie bits flying to the floor.
“Shit.” You kneel down to begin picking it up, another hand coming into help. Charlie, based on the rings adorning the fingers.
“Is Owen’s keeper okay?” You huff a laugh at the name the cast gave you a week into filming. You’re the only one who has managed to keep Owen in line since filming started, the only reason he’s ever on time for anything or actually has real food in the apartment or has his drumsticks when needed, etc. etc.
The boys didn’t want PA’s when Kenny proposed it during bootcamp, they were young adults, they didn't want to boss someone around, it felt wrong. But having more experience than the boys, Kenny vetoed how they felt and told them PA’s would help tremendously, especially on a project like this. That’s where you came in. You were trying to get into the directing and producing scene in Hollywood, you’re dream to be as good a director as Steven Spielberg or, well, Kenny Ortega. But you knew you had to start small, so you applied for a PA job on an upcoming Netflix show, getting hired within the week. Now here you are, a nineteen year old being in charge of another nineteen year old who acts more like he’s five.
In the beginning, it was purely professional. You were nothing more than his PA who got him from place A to place B in a timely fashion. But then he started to rope you into pranks with the rest of the band. He started inviting you to movie nights, and adventures to the grocery store, and ice skating with Charlie and Madi, and somewhere between helping him keep his life in order and watching him fall on his ass at the ice rink, you fell for the blonde. You know it’s a mistake, falling for him. You work for him. He’s your friend. That’s all he sees you as, but you couldn’t help it. But you’re good at compartmentalizing, so you took all the inappropriate feelings, shoved them in a box, locked the box, and hid it deep in your unconscious. You were doing well with ignoring the box, until you walked in on Owen kissing someone that wasn’t you.
“I’m fine Charlie, just, stressed. Owen was an hour late to hair and makeup so I kinda feel like a shit PA right now.” Charlie chuckles and hugs you as you both stand up.
“Please Y/N, you’re the best PA. If it weren’t for you, Owen would never know where anything is, including his head.” You laugh into his shoulder, reveling in the hug for a few more seconds. When you part, you see a flash of blonde enter the set and sigh in relief. He made it. He’s ready. You’re not fired today.
Just incredibly confused and upset.
But not fired.
“You better go, I know you’re in this scene with Owen.” Charlie nods and squeezes your shoulder once before running after Owen onto the set that holds Julie’s shed. Taking a deep breath, you try to push whatever the hell you saw ten minutes ago into your box, and get ready for the day ahead.
Four hours, six brownies, and two cookies later, Owen is officially wrapped for the day, meaning you can go home and continue to eat your feelings in ice cream. You’re quick to grab your binder full of Owen’s schedules to drop tomorrow’s off at his trailer before he sees you. You’re not really in the mood to talk to him about what happened earlier, so you fast walk to his trailer, fully intent on just leaving the paper on his counter where he’ll see it, but a brown haired, green eyed girl throws that plan right out the window.
You’re so stupid. You should’ve known she would still be here. Waiting.
“Oh, um, hi.” She says. She sounds nice. She looks nice. But when you look at her all you can see is her hands in Owen’s hair and his lips on hers.
“Hi.” You don’t know how, but you managed to put on a smile and put a little pep into your voice.
“I’m Ashley. I’m waiting for Owen. Is he done?” You nod, not trusting your voice as you stand awkwardly in the doorway, one foot on the step the other in the trailer, hand outstretched ready to place the schedule on the table.
“He just wrapped for the day. Should be here in a few.” The girl - Ashley - nods.
“You’re Y/N, right? His personal assistant?” How does she know that. She giggles, “He talks about you all the time. Says the only reason he’s not fired or dead in a ditch is because of you.” OH, you said that aloud. Coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoo-
“Y/N! What are ya doing just standing in the doorway?” Fuck. You put a smile on and turn around. He’s smiling softly at you, still in Alex’s clothes, twirling those damn drumsticks around his fingers.
“Um, just dropping tomorrow’s schedule off. Here. Okay...bye.” You walk down the steps, letting the door shut behind you, fully intent on leaving, but Owen grabs your arm again, just like earlier, causing you to stop and turn to look at him.
“Wait. Can we talk real quick. About...earlier?” No. No absolutely not.
“Um, I really have to go. I have a lot to do tonight for tomorrow.” Owen sighs and lets go of your arm, face contorting into that of a sad puppy.
“Just, one minute Y/N. Please. Let me explain.” Screw him and his perfect freaking face.
“A minute.” His face lights up and grabs your hand, leading you back into his trailer, smiling even wider at seeing Ashley sitting pretty on the couch.
“Y/N, this is Ashley, my girlfriend.” Ashley smiles and waves, standing up to stand by Owen and grab his hand. A rock settles in your chest at the word.
Girlfriend.
Girlfriend.
Girlfriend.
“Nice. I’m Y/N. But you knew that. Just like you also know I’m in charge of getting him to places on time. Which didn't happen today.” Owen’s face flushes at that while Ashley terribly hides a smirk behind her hand.
“Uh, yeah, sorry about that Y/N. She surprised me today. We weren’t supposed to see each other until Thanksgiving but she finished classes early and flew out to surprise me. Kinda got, caught up in -” His face is beat red so you’re quick to cut him off.
“It’s fine. Just, try not to get ‘caught up’ tomorrow, yeah?” It’s harsh and full of hostility, but you want to leave, the word still bouncing around in your head, swirling around the scene you walked into earlier.
Girlfriend.
Kissing.
Girlfriend.
Flushed face.
Girlfriend.
Kissing.
“I have to go. See you tomorrow on set at 5 Am. Got it? Five A M. Don’t make me break into your apartment again. I almost got arrested for that.” Owen is still reeling from your harsh words said a second ago to laugh at the memory. Ashley however, has no qualms about speaking up.
“Don’t worry. I’ll make sure he’s here on time.” She smiles and wraps around his arm like a koala. You hold back a scoff, throwing up a fake smile before turning and leaving.
Girlfriend.
Girlfriend.
Girlfriend.
It’s almost midnight.
It’s 11:48 PM and someone is knocking on your door.
Who the fuck is pounding on your door at near midnight.
You shuffle to the door wrapped up in your comforter, wiping the sleep out of your eyes. You don’t bother looking through the peephole, too angry at the person behind the door to bother, just wanting to yell at them and get back to bed.
“What the - Charlie?” He looks exhausted, hair ruffled and eyes puffy. He’s in joggers, a random band tee and his denim jacket. You’re pretty sure his shoes are on the wrong feet.
“Can I stay the night?” He doesn’t wait for your response before walking into your apartment, flinging his shoes and jacket off and walking to your room. You sigh, ignoring the way he just threw his stuff around and instead follow him to your room before he takes your side of the bed. You walk in just as he chucks his shirt off and woah. You were so not expecting that. An explanation as to why he’s here at midnight? Yeah. Him taking your side of the bed? Definitely. But not Charlie taking his shirt off and crawling onto the right side of the bed and curling around a pillow. You take a moment to collect yourself and your thoughts before crawling into bed next to him, making sure to drape the comforter over him as well. He hums in content and turns around to face you.
“Sorry for barging in like this. Just, ugh, Owen and that girl are not quiet if you catch my drift.” And it’s like the rock in your heart is now a boulder and it’s crushing your ribcage. You can’t breathe. You can’t think. You’re frozen, staring at Charlie’s half asleep face. “Like I get it, you’ve missed each other. But c’mon bro I’m there too.” He keeps talking. Keeps pushing the boulder until all the ribs crack and puncture your lungs. “There’s somethings in this world I never wanted to hear, and Owen moaning was one of them.” He won’t shut up. Charlie shut up. You’re entire chest is fracturing, breaking at his words and he needs to shut. up.
“I didn’t really know where else to go, but I remembered how comfy your bed was last movie night so, here I am.” His voice is raspy, words slurring as he’s trying to fight sleep to explain to you why he’s here. But you can’t focus on him right now. Can’t think about a shirtless Charlie in your bed. There’s only one thing you can think about right now.
Girlfriend.
Shirtless.
Girlfriend.
Kissing.
Girlfriend.
“Thanks for letting me crash by the way. I’ll try not to kick you in my sleep.” He chuckles, then finally opens his eyes when you don’t laugh back. You don’t know how you look right now. You know you’re frozen. But is the panic and pure sadness showing on your face? It must be, because suddenly Charlie is wide awake and leaning up on his elbow to look at you fully. “Y/N are you okay?” He’s worried. You want to tell him you’re okay. It’s fine. Everything is fine. But you can’t move. You can’t talk. Because reality is crushing you. It’s ripping up your heart, suffocating you, consuming your mind.
Owen isn’t yours.
Owen will never be yours.
You’re just a friend.
You’re just his PA.
That’s when the tears finally start. They come slowly, one trailing down your cheek, then another. Then all at once your sobbing into Charlie’s chest, no doubt getting snot all over him. But he doesn’t seem to care. He just starts to hum some random song while he repeatedly runs his hand over your hair, the other holding you close to him. He keeps humming, his chest vibrating and giving you something to focus on that isn’t your depressing thoughts. It’s almost soothing, the petting and the hug and the humming.
You don’t know how long you sob into him, but when you stop, his humming stops too. He still holds you close, just lets go of your head so you can lean back a little and look up at him. He’s brows furrow in concern and he pouts at your post-crying face.
“Are you okay? Am I really that bad of company?” He tries for funny but you can’t bring yourself to laugh with him. Just pout and push his semi-wet chest. “Seriously Y/N, i’ve never seen you like this. What’s wrong?” Those two words.
What’s wrong?
What’s wrong? I fell for my boss and now he’s doing it with some girl and I can’t stop thinking about them and it’s killing me because before I could live with being his friend and PA because at least there was some sliver of a chance but now there’s nothing because he has someone and I have no one and I can’t breathe because oh my god I love him. I love that stupid fool and i’m nothing but his personal assistant.
It’s quiet for a minute, too quiet, and that’s when you realize you said all that out loud. You look up at Charlie, which was a mistake because his face is full of pity. It’s all sad puppy eyes and “Shit Y/N i’m so sorry.” A fresh wave of tears make their way out of your eyes, but Charlie is quick to wipe them away.
“Y/N I didn’t know I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t have said all of that, God I was so stupid.” And then it’s like a whole new flood gate opens, this one full of laughter though. You start with a chuckle, but soon it’s full out belly laughing. Because Charlie isn’t the stupid one here.
“I’m the stupid one. I mean, how idiotic does a PA have to be to fall for the one they’re in charge of? Never mix work with pleasure. It’s PA-ing 101, don’t fall for your boss. I’m so fucking stupid to ever fall for him or think he’d like me back because i’m just his stupid PA who has no talent what so ever, never has a good hair day, can’t go a day without eating their weight in sugar, and will never see him again after filming is wrapped.” Your laughing dies down by the end, and then ends completely when you see the look on Charlie’s face. It’s not exactly pity, but it’s not exactly sadness either. It’s hard to describe what exactly it is, but it’s not good.
“Y/N. Babes. I don’t ever want to hear you talk about yourself like that again, okay? I swear to God next time I hear anything like that come out of your mouth again, I’m hitting you with a pillow.” You giggle, but he stays serious. “Dead ass Y/N. Listen, was it probably not the smartest to fall for Owen? Yeah. But you didn’t know he had someone. I didn’t even know he had a girl and I’m his roommate. But, we can’t help who we like. It’s all brain chemistry and heart palpitations and whatever else. It’s something we can’t control. So don’t say you’re stupid because of something you can’t control.”
“You’re being really smart and caring for twelve am.” You both chuckle, a real smile gracing your face for once in the past twelve hours.
“I’m sorry for the breakdown it’s just, there’s a lot in my head right now and what you said really didn’t help.” Charlie sighs and pulls you in close.
“I’m sorry babes. You should’ve slapped me or something.”
“I probably would’ve had the breakdown at some point tonight anyway.” Charlie pulls back a bit to look at you, confusion on his face. “I kinda walked in on them making out earlier when Owen was late to hair and makeup.”
“Is that why you crushed that brownie earlier?” You sigh and nod.
“Y/N, i’m sorry. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.”
“It’s fine Charlie. It’s, well, it’s not but, I’ll get over it. I’m a big girl. Besides, I have you to get my tears and snot all over right?” He groans while you giggle, but he isn’t really mad if the way he pulls you close and rests his face in your hair is any indication.
“Always babes.”
The next day you drive to set with Charlie who didn’t have to be on set at five like Owen, but joined you nonetheless. Taking his duty as your new ‘heartguard’ as he called it last night, you walk to hair and makeup with his arm around your shoulders. It’s comforting, even though he’s putting most of his weight on you because he’s exhausted, the coffee you gave him this morning clearly doing nothing to wake up.
“Charlie, you could’ve stayed in bed until you were actually needed.” You laugh as he trips up the steps to the trailer, nearly face planting if it weren’t for you wrapping your arms around his waist last minute.
“Char you good?” You hear BooBoo ask. Charlie grumbles something incoherent and shoves his face into your neck as you lean against the arm of the couch. BooBoo laughs, so do you, but quickly sober up when Owen walks in, Ashley on his arm. Charlie must have ESP or something because, without looking up at who walked in, he wraps his arms around your waist and murmurs in your ear, “Deep breaths. I’m here.” You do as he says, shooting Owen a friendly smile, but dropping it as he frowns at you.
What is that about?
“Glad to see you on time Owen. I wouldn’t have been able to break in this morning anyway because an octopus decided to break into my own apartment last night.” You ruffle Charlie’s hair as you say that and he grumbles some more, playfully biting your neck as well. “Ow. Asshole.” Owen frowns even deeper at that, while BooBoo chuckles. He get’s scolded a second later for moving.
“So that’s where you disappeared to last night. I was wondering why you weren’t home this morning.” Owen’s voice is tight while he says it, Ashley noticing as well if the tightened grip on his arm is anything to go by. Charlie squeezes your waist as a way to say, ‘prepare yourself’ before he moves his head to lean against your shoulder so he can talk.
“Yeah well, I wouldn’t have had to if you and your girl weren’t so freaking loud.” You tense up, mind starting to reel again, but a squeeze to your waist and a warm breath on your neck manages to bring you back. The trailer goes quiet, even the hair and makeup ladies tensing up and sensing the tension. Charlie, ever the wrong place, wrong time type of guy, grabs your hand and places it on his hair, then moves it back and forth.
“Pet me.” Despite the tension in the room, you can’t help but giggle at the stupid Canadian boy wrapped around you. Apparently that’s all the rest of the people in the trailer needed to go back to what they were doing. That or they just didn’t want to get involved in young adult drama. You shoot a look at Owen, his jaw tense and hands clenched into fists. Completely ignoring the way Ashley leans up to kiss Owen’s neck, you open your phone and begin to read off his schedule for the day, your left hand still running through Charlie’s hair.
“Hair and makeup at five AM, sit your butt down and let Shelly do her thing, costume fitting right after. First scene at six-thirty with BooBoo, you guys are doing the scene at the Orpheum where you talk about what’s been going on, you’re going to be sad so this whole frowny face you got going on? Keep it. A break after that then rehearsal with Charlie, Jer, and Mads for Stand Tall. Fitting for the Stand Tall suit is after that, but no actual filming for that scene yet, just getting the measures right so after that, you’re done for the day.” You take a deep breath after all that, BooBoo whistling at you from his seat.
“You could be an auctioneer with how fast you talk.” You smile and bow your head at him.
“I’ll take that as a compliment Boo.” He shoots you a smile and then raises his hand to high five Owen as he sits next to him. Owen ignores him. In fact, he stays silent throughout all of getting his hair and makeup done. Only smiling occasionally when Ashley shows him a meme on her phone. You watch them, the boulder in your chest rolling around as you do so. But not for jealousy, no, for concern. Owen is acting very unlike himself. You may be upset right now, especially with him, but it doesn’t mean you still don’t see him as a friend; still don’t worry about him. Something is wrong, and you can’t help but feel like it’s your fault.
“So did it work?” You jump in surprise at the voice behind you, the cookie in your hand crumbling and falling onto the table.
“Charlie! What did I say about sneaking up on me?” You turn to look at the boy who is smiling too wide at you for you to think this is about to be a completely innocent conversation.
“Did it work?” He’s practically vibrating where he stands.
“Did what work?”
“The cuddling this morning? Didn’t you see Owen? He was totally jealous.” And - what? That’s why he was so touchy this morning?
“I just thought you were tired, that was - you were trying to make Owen jealous? Charlie what the hell? He has a girlfriend!” Charlie rolls his eyes and loops his arm around yours, dragging you away from the cookies and towards the costume room.
“Yeah, but we both know she shouldn’t be. And the way he was acting this morning? I think he’s starting to realize that too.” There’s no way...right? No, the way Charlie described last night...no.
“No, okay, he was probably just tired and angry about having to be here so early.” Yeah, that’s it. He was not jealous of the friendly cuddling you and Charlie were doing. Totally...not. Holy shit. You hear Charlie giggling in your ear as you enter costume.
There, in front of you, is a very shirtless, very toned, very pretty Owen Joyner.
“You’re welcome.” Then Charlie is off to God knows where. Leaving you alone with Owen. Well, not really alone since Soyon is here too, running around looking for different fabrics and textures to throw on Owen. A still very shirtless Owen.
“Oh, hi Y/N. What are you doing here?” Owen asks, looking at you though the floor length mirror in front of him. He’s not smiling at you, but he’s not frowning either, so improvement from this morning.
“Oh, um, just making sure you got here on time. And look at that. You did! Good job.” You clap, who knows why, but it makes Owen laugh, which, whew, okay.
“Yeah, I reminded him.” A voice behind you says. You turn and look at Ashley walking in, coffee cup in hand. She bounces up to Owen, ignoring Soyon and placing a big, wet kiss onto his lips before moving to the couch off to the side. Owen seems shocked by the PDA, which makes sense, you know he’s not big on that, remembering one late night conversation you both had a few weeks ago.
“Anyway, Y/N, how does this one looks. I think the ruffles are nice. And then when he’s performing Stand Tall we can,” and then she begins to unbutton the shirt all the way down to mid chest and okay, seriously Soyon, now you just want to torture me.
“I like this.” Owen says, twirling in the mirror like a ballerina. This causes the shirt to fling open more, showing his chest more in the process.
Deep breaths.
Be a friend.
You’re a big girl.
“Yeah. It’s good,” you say, walking over to him to tuck to the sides back together somewhat. “Are you going to keep with the pink theme for the jacket?” Soyon smiles and nods, walking away for a minute leaving you alone with Owen and Ashley.
“Should it really be unbuttoned that much? I mean, it is a kids show? I don’t want to share my boy with fangirls.” Ashley says. You can’t stop your eyes from rolling or the scoff that leaves your mouth. You watch Owen’s Adam's apple bob as he gulps.
“Please, Charlie is sleeveless for a majority of the show. Owen showing a little chest isn’t gonna hurt anyone. Besides, Soyon chose good. The way the shirt fits and settles it’s never going to open all the way. Unless, ya know, he twirls like some Carolynn Rowland wannabe.” You smile up at Owen and inhale sharply when you see he’s already looking down at you. “And with the jacket on it’ll stay put pretty well.” You’re still holding the shirt in your hands, looking at Owen’s face as you talk. For a second, it’s just you and him, looking at each other, smiling. Then Soyon comes back and clears her throat. The trance breaks and you back up. You wipe your sweaty hands on your jeans before backing up and standing next to the mirror. You feel eyes on you and look over to see Ashely glaring at you.
“Here we go. One pink jacket to match.” Owen slides it on and smiles wide. You have to say, it looks good. Professionally speaking of course.
“Soyon, have I ever said how freaking amazing you are. I mean, this is really good looking. Very Alex.” Owen praises. He’s smiling and it’s a nice sight after this mornings debacle.
“Alex is going to be the best looking one on that stage.” Owen looks over at you, his smile still there, and the boulder shrinks three sizes.
“Still think the shirt should be buttoned.” Ashley mutters. But everyone ignores her, even Owen, who does another twirl in front of the mirror.
“Well then, you’re all set Owen. Go ahead and change and I’ll see you tomorrow.” Soyon leaves, going off to do costume designer things, leaving you alone with Owen and Ashley again. Owen takes the jacket off, then looks around not knowing what to do with it. You sigh and smile softly, taking it from him.
“Here, just give me all the clothes and i’ll take them back to your rack.” He smiles thankfully at you, before frowning again and looking down at his outfit. Getting what he’s thinking, you chuckle and cross your arms. “Bub I just saw you shirtless it’s not a big deal. Now c’mon, give me the clothes before Soyon thinks you’re stealing them.” Owen looks up at you in a way you’ve never seen him look at you before. It makes you take a sharp breath in.
“Maybe you should go. I can give the clothes to Soyon. Don’t you have assistant duties to do?” Ashley is right next to you as she says it. It makes your ears hurt and hands clench. You’re quick to unclench though, not wanting to wrinkle the nice pink jacket. Ashley moves forward to unbutton Owen’s shirt all the way, but he grabs her hand before she can begin.
“Actually I need Y/N to stay. I have to talk to her about some, ya know, assistant stuff. And besides, she knows where Alex’s rack is and that’s where the clothes have to go. Why don’t you go wait for me in the trailer, I’ll be there in a few.”
I need Y/N to stay.
That shouldn’t make you feel as warm and tingly as it does.
Ashley scoffs and looks away, clearly trying to guilt trip him. Owen sighs and kisses her cheek.
“Trailer. Ten minutes.” Ashley sighs before nodding and finally leaving. He watches her go, then turns back to you when she finally disappears. You clear your throat and he looks back at you, face a bit red.
“Um, hey.” You chuckle.
“Hi.” He nods, and you sigh, walking so you’re right in front of him. “Seriously, O, you need to get this off because if they’re not on the rack for Soyon to fix up by the end of the day it’s my head on a stick, not yours.” Then you’re unbuttoning his shirt.
You’re unbuttoning. His shirt. You don’t realize you’re doing it until you hand grazes his navel when you untuck it from his pants. You hear him suck in a breath and you immediately take two steps back.
“Sorry, um. Sorry that was not, um, -”
“It’s okay. You were just, doing your job. Making sure I get stuff done on time, right?” But his voice is wobbly as he says it and his face is as red as a tomato. You couldn’t have made him that flushed, not you?
“Right. Yeah. Um, so, pants?” Owen looks at you with wide eyes. “I need to take the pants back too.” It’s quiet, but you know he heard you because he nods his head and begins to unbutton them. You suddenly feel very hot, very suffocated. You should’ve left when you had the chance, just let Ashley do this. You shouldn’t be here, watching as he pulls the velvet pants down his legs. Watching as he steps out of them and - oh God he’s falling. You grab his hand to help him but it’s too late, you both tumble to the ground. You’re on top of him, smushed up against his bare chest, faces centimeters apart, sharing breaths.
“Sorry.” You mumble. You watch him gulp and look down. Down at wha - oh.
“It’s, it’s okay. I’m the one that fell and pulled you down.” You nod, causing your nose to brush against his. You’re close, so freaking close that if you were to move not even a full centimeter, your lips would touch.
So.
Close.
“What. The. Hell!” SHit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
You’re quick to scramble away from Owen, butt scooting across the floor to get as far away from him as possible. Owen jumps up, kicking the pants away then realizing that was probably not a smart idea because now he’s half naked in between Ashley and you.
“Ash I -”
“You were taking forever, wanted to know why. Thought you said there was nothing between you two?” She’s practically screeching. You know within minutes there will be a crowd. A crowd Owen will not want, his anxiety will not want. Ignoring his stuttering and the conversation in general, you push away the heat in your belly and the tingling in your spine and take a deep breath.
Deep breath.
Be a friend. Do your job.
You grab Owen’s clothes and put them in his hands, ignoring his speaking and Ashley ranting, you grab his hand and then hers, and shove them towards the back exit.
“This is a trailer conversation, not a wardrobe fitting conversation. Leave, now.”
“No, I have a lot to say -”
“Listen to me, I’m trying to do my job and not get Owen in trouble. If you really care about him, you’ll take this conversation to his trailer. Now.” Then you shove them out the door before Ashley could screech some more.
Deep breath.
Do your job.
You go back to the fitting area, only to see Charlie, Jer, and Madi standing there, looking confused.
Deep breath.
Do your job.
“Hey guys. Owen just left. He and Ashley are having a date night.” Charlie gives you a look, but Jer and Madi nod, going to accept it, but Charlie has to open his big dumb Canadian mouth.
“Why’d we hear screaming then?” Charlie questions. Jer and Madi look at each other, then back at you.
“Oh, uh, mouse. I saw a mouse. Yep. Mouse. Anyway, I have to get this clothes hung up before they wrinkle, so excuse me.”
Deep breath.
Do your job.
You walk around the trio, gathering the suit and shaking everything out as you walk over to the Alex rack to hang them up. You hear the door to the room open and two sets of feet walking out.
“Charlie, everything is fine okay? Just a little misunderstanding.”
“Like?” You sigh and turn around from finishing hanging up the clothes.
“Like...Owen kinda fell and when I went to help him I feel too...on top of him.” There’s silence then,
“OH MY GOD! Y/N THAT’S LIKE FANFIC SHIT THAT WAS THE MOMENT! DID YOU KISS OH MY GOD TELL ME EVERYTHING!” He’s jumping up and down as he makes his way to you.
“Ashley walked in.” All excitement stops.
“Oh shit.” You nod, walking past him to settle on the couch, pulling a pillow to your chest.
“Yeah. And she started screeching and I knew Owen wouldn’t like to attention so I shoved them out the back door to his trailer.” Charlie’s arm goes around you, pulling you close. He goes to say something, but your phone ringing indicating a text from Owen stops him. You pull it out, opening it as Charlie watches over your shoulder.
My trailer plz.
Charlie starts shaking your shoulders, smiling like a maniac. “This is your chance Y/N go go GO!” you shake your head at Charlie’s antics, but leave nonetheless.
Anxiety creeps up on you as you get closer and closer to his trailers, not knowing what you’re going to walk into. Him firing you? Saying you can’t be friends anymore? Ashley ready to claw your face off?
Deep breath.
Be a friend.
You knock on his door. It opens a second later to a frantic looking Owen. Now you're anxious about him. Why does he look upset? Is he okay? He grabs your hand and pulls you into his, oh, empty trailer. Ashley is nowhere to be seen.
“Hey, thanks for coming.” You nod, still looking around expecting her to jump out and slap you. “Um, sit. Sit, I have to talk to you about something.” You go to sit on the couch, but then remember what occurred there yesterday and instead lean against the counter. He notices but doesn’t say anything.
“Yeah okay. What’s up?” You try to act nonchalant, but the anxiety is too high for that. ‘I have to talk to you about something’ never ends well. He walks over and sits on the bed pats the spot next to him. God, this can’t be a good conversation if he really wants you to sit.
“Ashley and I were never...on here.” He mumbles. You walk over and sit next to him, blushing that he caught on to why you didn’t sit on the couch.
“Must be serious if you need me to sit.” Owen takes a deep breath, another, another, and then there’s lips on your. They’re soft and nice and taste like carmex chapstick.
“Mhm, Owen, what, what are you doing?” Your faces are still close together, both of you not wanting to back away yet.
“I’m gonna talk. Okay I’m gonna talk and I want you to listen and not crawl inside your head too soon okay?” You nod, knowing in this moment you’d do anything to keep him this close.
“I knew Ashley from high school. She started texting me a few weeks back and one thing led to another and she was calling me her boyfriend. I didn’t want it but it happened and I let it because it got my mind off a girl I shouldn’t like because it would ruin so many things. I didn’t know she was coming to visit and when she knocked on my trailer she jumped me and just kept going. And I just went along with everything yesterday because I’m supposed to be her boyfriend and I’m supposed to think about those things with her and I’m supposed to want those things with her, but I don’t Y/N. I don’t want those things with her I never did. I, I want them with you. I’ve wanted them with you from the moment you finally stopped being shy around me and dragged me from crafts by my ear to hair and makeup. You’re so amazing Y/N and I thought if I did anything I’d ruin this and ruin your career and I didn’t want that. I never wanted that so I went along with Ashley but I shouldn’t have because the whole time I was thinking about you. It’s always been -” You kiss him. You grab him by the cheeks and kiss him. It’s a passionate kiss, an ‘about time’ kiss, an ‘i’m never letting you go’ kiss.
You only break away when you can’t breathe, and even then you only pull away enough to breath in each other’s air.
“She left. She’s gone. She knew I was never 100% in.” You nod, but you’re not really listening. You can’t hear anything other than your heartbeat.
He likes you.
Owen likes you.
Owen kissed you.
“It’s always been you, Y/N.” You smile. It’s a big one that you have to hamper down by biting your lip. Owen smiles back, then you’re kissing again.
And again.
And again.
#owen joyner#owen patrick joyner#owen joyner imagine#owen joyner fanfiction#owen joyner x reader#owen joyner x y/n#owen joyner fluff#owen joyner angst#owen patrick joyner imagine#owen patrick joyner x reader#jatp#julie and the phantoms#charlie gillespie#madison reyes#jeremy shada
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NGL I love how much you have embraced the silverv stuff here - its so nice to read. I submit for consideration, Rogue notices the tattoo while on the disaster date and both Johnny and V play it off as a joke and holy shit poor rogue stuck in a room with two morons.
Also - V getting dressed for that date and realizing they just MIGHT be a little jealous with a side of some thoughts of "Oh God Johnny Would NEVER Feel That Way About Me Gotta Bury This Deep So He Doesn't Know"
Johnny notices the anxiety but is very dense about the cause.
Oh hell yeah, I have fully embraced it and this ship; I was writing SilverV porn before the game came out, like I knew what my ship for this game was gonna be from the second I saw gifs of
“You’re a dick, Johnny”
“And you’re a cunt, so maybe we’ll fit together after all.”
That banter sealed my fate and I’m fairly sure I had named and created my V then wrote porn of her with Johnny literally a week later. The devil works hard, but my brainrot works harder and faster.
Spoilers!
Okay, so I’ve thought a lot about that date in both a silverv context (and largely how it fits with my V, Aidan and her fic) I’ll try to stay general though.
Firstly, I whole heartedly believe Rogue sees through their bullshit. Not only is she just good at that, but Johnny even states she has MRE’s (?) and can see through people, like her eyes can pick up on signs of lying. And usually, thats not an issue for when V talks to her, but when she asks about Johnny and their relationship with him. Its a mess. And when Rogue asks Johnny about it, its a mess.
And when Rogue notices the tattoo it’s like Oh... I get it . And Johnny is of course like, “hahaha, yeah I thought that’d be so funny, the kid hates it.” But Rogue isn’t stupid, she knows a lovey dovey heart with their names, something that looks like someone doodled it on their third grade notebook about their crush, is not really typical of Johnny’s “joking” She knows that if Johnny is not really the kind of guy to hahahaha its so funny to make it look like we love each other; he’d be more likely to get a dick tattooed on V’s arm if it was just to mess with them. For gods sake, look how many people didn’t pick “the other one” because they were convinced it was gonna be a dick. That’s a Johnny just trying to fuck with someone move. So, she doesn’t buy it, but doesn’t push it...with him.
She asks V about and of course they play it off as “Yeah, Johnny thought it’d be funny, what a fucking asshole, its so fucking dumb, I totally fuckin hate it.”
“So, why not get it removed?”
“Uhhhhhhhhhhh, well you see what had happened was, um, I, just uhhhh, never been enough time, I guess yeahhhhhh.”
Cause lets face it, in cyberpunk universe, getting a tattoo removed should be easy. If you can get blades in your arms and can have a completely newly reconstructed body in like an afternoon; you can get a tattoo removed in like twenty minutes. So, V still keeping it, says volumes about how they really feel.
Now, V’s jealousy and the date.
I do absolutely agree that any anxiety or ill feeling V might have up until the date; Johnny is gonna feel, but not realize where it’s coming from. I think if anything, he’s gonna chalk it up to V being anxious about giving him control again and he’s gonna be like worried that maybe V doesn’t trust him as much as they let on.
And I do think a V who has feelings for Johnny, would not be able to help feeling some jealousy regarding Rogue and Johnny. Just because jealousy is natural thing to feel and while you can debate if they were ever a good or healthy couple, you can’t debate they shared very real feelings for one another. And I think a lot of V’s jealousy would come from just how much Johnny seems to first think of/go to Rogue. When he needed to save Alt, first person he turned to, Rogue. When he wanted to bomb Arasaka tower (going by his memory of it and ignoring that the event was probably actually planned by Morgan Blackhand), who’d he go to? Rogue. When he becomes determined to get Smasher, who is he determined to get him with, Rogue. When he first decides to atone for his past mistakes, who’s the first person he wants to make up with, Rogue. When at the rooftop, who does he want to go grab to help him save V, Rogue.
If you got feelings for someone, that’d hurt, I think it’s impossible for that not to spark some jealousy. And V if anything is also mad at themselves for having those feelings, because they like Rogue, she’s a badass, a legend, they respect the hell out of her. And of course they have feelings for Johnny and they wanna help him make shit right and they wanna give him a chance to enjoy himself. But this stupid reptilian part of their brain is screaming but i want to be the first person he goes to, the first person he thinks about, which they know is also stupid cause for fucks sake the man literally lives in their brain, they’re as close as two people can be and literally when Johnny has the power to go to someone for something, he can’t go to V because they’re reduced to sleeping essentially until Johnny hands back the reigns. Yet, feelings aren’t aren’t always, rational, sadly.
And to Johnny’s credit, he probably doesn’t even give it that much thought. Rogue is a badass, someone he cares for, someone he can depend on and someone he hurt really badly. The two people he can and always has been able to depend on the most (other than Alt prior to her death) have been Kerry and Rogue. And, bless his heart, the fuck is Kerry gonna do? Kerry ain’t a merc, Kerry isn’t gonna bust into Arasaka Tower or plant a bomb. Kerry doesn’t have the connection to Smasher. So, of course, Rogue is gonna be his go to. And in terms of making things up to people...he literally cannot really do much to make things up to V, not the way he can for Rogue or Kerry. Cause, when him and V are both conscious, he can’t do much beyond touch and talk to them. Hell, even with Rogue and Kerry, he relies mostly on V to help him do anything. Even with people he can interact with and do something for; V is doing all the nitty gritty work for him. V drives Rogue to the theater, V breaks into the theater, V gets the projector going. V breaks into Kerry’s house, V disables the security. V gets in contact with Nancy. V gets Nancy out of Totentanz in one piece.
Which probably if V actually thought about it critically, does mean he’s going to them and relying on them more than Rogue, but they’d probably dismiss it out of it being for necessity and not because he cares about them and feels he an depend on them.
Anyhow, Johnny would probably love to do some nice gesture to make up for his bender to V, hell they probably were the first person he wanted to make things up since they are his catalyst for changing. But what feasibly can he do for them? Anything he’d want to do with/for them, would just be asking V go do this thing and i’ll also be here. Anything that would put them in public interacting is out, unless they want MaxTac called on V for looking cyberpsychotic. He can’t even do an at home date, because he can’t cook (engram or not) and he can’t buy them anything nice he has no money and also doesn’t technically exist. He could try to do so sneakily while he’s in control...but he’d be using V’s money so they might as well just buy it for themselves. he can play music for them,,. but that doesn’t seem too special and more than a little egotistical to think it’ll make V feel better about what he did... So... all he can really do, is prove he’s worth trusting by being on his best behavior and more importantly do what he can to save V’s life.
Then there’s the date. And as usual, I have some opinions and feelings about a thing. Like, okay, I’ve seen some people (aka Gamer Bros on Twitter) being like, Rogue is Johnny’s girl. Wanting to date either of them is wrong because they like each other. (then you also get the BUT ALT crowd, but rants for another day.) And I can’t help but ask, did we play the same date? Their entire date is about how they’re both desperately clinging to the past. Rogue is trying to reclaim 2013-2023 Rogue and Johnny just wanting for a night to feel like the world and his place in it haven’t been completely rearranged. And it ends with Rogue telling him, she is not that girl anymore, she can’t pretend to be, and frankly she doesn’t want to anymore. She wishes she could be, wishes she was still that tall haired street punk who’d never dream of working with corps or being a fixer, but she’s not. Her and Johnny are no longer the same people who met back in to 2010’s. Doesn’t mean they don’t care about one another and doesn’t mean what feelings they had weren’t real or important; but they’re just not those people anymore. Rogue more so than Johnny since he’s freshly on the course of change.
Something else in regards to the date, that I think is important to talk about and how it relates to silverv and its something I personally have very conflicting feelings about. The fact that Johnny can initiate some physical intimacy with Rogue. See, I have never chosen the option to kiss Rogue during the date and actually did not learn until relatively recently, that if that choice is made it goes a biiit further than a kiss. I have watched the scene now.
And god I have mixed feelingssss. Like, I get it, but I’m not sure I like it. And I know full well, my silverv bias impacts my feelings on the matter, it’s be disingenuous to say otherwise. But I don’t think the ship is purely my reason for having these feelings. But at the end of the day, its all opinions. So, I get from a character perspective that Johnny and Rogue are trying so hard to reclaim their past and what they use to have that they get caught up in trying do what they would do if this was the 2010’s. And Johnny’s relationships as we’ve seen are very physical, sexual chemistry and attraction are major factors in his relationships because he kept things very superficial most of the time. He even says part of the issue with his relationship with Rogue is at the time he didn’t realize he could let her see the true him and still hid behind walls, kept things at a distance. So, the idea that’d they fall back into the old habit of trying to just be physical and ignore their feelings, isn’t out of character.
However, and Johnny even seems to acknowledge this issue when Rogue interrupts it, they’re doing this with V’s body. V...who did not consent to sexual contact. They consented to a date and while one could logic that this would mean everything a date could entail up to and including physical intimacy; I would argue that that is something that would need further conversation to have clear consent. And like again, this might come down to boundaries and personal feelings. Because I go back to the bender and what’s been interesting to me is too see different opinions on it; some people weren’t actually bothered at all by Johnny’s bender in V’s body, some people were bothered by the drugs and alcohol specifically cause their V is straight edge. Me, personally, it was the sexual content and the endangering of V’s life. Like, it was mostly funny and oh yeah, I expected that it’s bad but eh I’ll move on, to me, until he started getting sexual with people in V’s body. Like that to me is not just crossing the line, it’s catapulting over it.
And like I said, Johnny even responds to Rogue’s “this isn’t fair” with “what, you mean it’s not fair to V?” which she says she meant it isn’t fair to Johnny. (Which viscerally upset because you nearly used V’s body for sexual gratification without their consent and you’re worried about Johnny, which tbf Rogue has no way of knowing what V has and hasn’t consented to, so its not on her but that was my knee jerk thought). So, he has some awareness that maybe that was a bad move.
And yeah, it definitely to me and my V would be a very bad move (unless he explicitly talked to them beforehand and got consent). And in general, it made me feel like, dude, you just promised you’d be better and not break V’s trust but again not a day later you’re nearly using them to have sex. It felt like a backslide, which isn’t necessarily unrealistic, cause change and growth is not always linear, people can commit to changing themselves and still fuck up and not get it right; in fact it’s rare for them not to have any sort of backsliding or repeating of mistakes.
Again, I will also give credit that he could have been assuming that given V consented to the date, they assumed or were cool with their being physical intimacy between him and Rogue. He also generally, might not have really planned for it to happen, because I don’t think Johnny plans a lot of anything. It very well might have just sort of happened. Also, V doesn’t clearly communicate if the sexual component was an issue in the bender. All V really seems to have an issue with in game is the very general thing of; he misled them and used them. So, he might have assumed that wasn’t ever an issue. And hell, if you wanna go full meta, the player is technically the one who makes that choice and V is largely an avatar for the player, so that alone could be seen as whether or not V would/does consent.
But, from a story perspective, removing the player choice element. I think how that’s handled would have a huge impact on silverv and where it goes from there.
Because if V and Johnny did talk about consent prior and V did consent while having feelings for Johnny, god I’d have to imagine they’d still feel pretty hurt, but feel it’s irrational to feel that way and have put their own feelings aside because clearly Johnny cares about and wants Rogue and they should ruin what could be his one chance to make things right.
If there like in game was no talk of consent and Johnny ends up kissing and touching on Rogue and V finds out or has memories of it surface,that could be devastating for them. Not only from their own feelings for Johnny, but this since of betrayal and hurt. Was the oil field conversation just a lie? A manipulation? V might feel like they were used; that Johnny never gave a shit about them or how they feel. And Johnny would have to deal with the realization that intentionally or not; he earned back V’s trust just to destroy it again. He fucked up again, he ruined everything again, he got his second chance and destroyed it…. And he doesn’t know how, if he can, or if he should bother trying to ask for a third.
In general, I do think, V would come out of the date assuming (naturally so) that Johnny really only has romantic feelings towards Rogue, that they’re just a friend at best, a host to be used at worse. I even in my own universe with my V have them after everything is better, everyones got a body, expects Johnny to start pursing Rogue and trying to swallow their own feelings and be a supportive friend, try to encourage and push him to do it and Johnny’s just like please stop, Rogue is this close to murdering us both.
I was gonna add more funny stuff to this and include a shitposty interaction he has with my V over them dressing up for the date and shit, BUT HOLY FUCK THIS GOT LONG AND SAD????? I’M SO SORRY.
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Decade of Adequacy
Today is the last day of my 20s. I actually havent given it much thought but I figure I should do a quick autopsy on the decade. I’ve been on this website for almost all of my 20s. I was 21 when I started this blog in June 2012. A young sweet boy who knew nothing of the blogging world. I feel like this is important since this website changed my life. Mainly because I ended up marrying a girl I met on here. Still pains me to admit it. Cant wait to tell the kids about that one. “Where’d you meet mom?” listen kid don't worry about it. Maybe I need to come up with a lie about how we met that's less embarrassing. Like I met her when I got my dick stuck in a flesh light and she was the EMT on the scene.
Regardless of the humiliating nature of our relationship, I can safely say that it’s the absolute best thing that happened to me in the last ten years. I know its corny and gay or whatever but getting married to someone I love was something I needed and its incredible how your quality of life improves when you have something to wake up for. So for all the missteps I’ve made I can safely put that in the W column. My 20s hasnt been perfect obviously. College was an enormous mistake for one. I spent my early 20s pursuing an education in a career that I knew in the back of my head I wasn't interested in. I realized too late but decided to soldier on. I got a degree. Theres a cool picture of me with a graduation cap and my dad looks proud. It looks good on a resume. I guess thats worth something. If you’re reading this and you’re thinking of dropping out of college, my advice would be to do it. I dont even know your story but if you’re asking me; yeah man I regret it, but you do you.
Those were the big things. A million small bad things and small good things have happened to me. Made friends/lost friends. Picked up interesting hobbies and sports. Had family members die. All that fun stuff that isnt unique to anyone. If I had to really examine the decade and grade it, I guess I’d give it a B+. All things considered, I ended up in a place where I’m happy, I have a place to live, people who love me, I dont have any mental or physical illness, I have financial security. It’d be greedy to expect more. 2020 was a fucked up year and it’s hard to look at the past through a lens that isnt tainted by it. It was good to me though. Objectively it was good. I didnt get everything I wanted but I got what I needed if I can borrow an older than dirt expression. I’ve got plenty to complain about but only because I’m an asshole. My early 20s were marred by insecurity and doubt about where I was going to end up. My biggest fear was that I would fail at everything I tried and be forced to work a minimum wage job in the town I grew up in and the highschoolers I used to be friends with would see me and pity me. I was scared of that reality and also almost certain it was what I was destined for. I viewed it as an inevitability. Somehow I stopped it. By the grace of God I got a job I give a shit about that pays well.
I guess that sums it. My 20s was full of me being scared of the future and it working out in the end. Like an episode of Entourage. Problems that seemed very real which the writers always took care of by the end of the episode. Maybe it was the fear that drove me to succeed in those fields. I dont know. Who gives a shit. I’m still breathing, I made it, its over. I’ll put my 20s behind me the way a person puts a picture of their dead relative on the wall, looks at it fondly for a moment, and then forgets its even there. What do I have to look forward in my 30s? Back pain I guess? Whatever. Should be fun.
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“No romance intended you sick puppies”
“There’s a raccoon”
“Whoo”
“I’d strike the sun if it insulted me”
“I will face god and walk backwards into hell”
“Hope comes in too many forms --- who has time for hope?”
"hugs are merely a subtle attempt to strangle you"
"How did I get here?"
"She looked into the toilet and cried"
"I find Darwin's theory on survival of the fittest my personal challenge"
"The ozone is pretty in the winter"
"You dab like a child"
"Call me a basking Robin sample spoon because I'll snap like one"
"Its not gay its Wednesday"
"I'm like a shark if I stop moving I'll die"
"I have no mouth but I must scream"
"Look at the Christmas lights! Oh wait that's a stop light"
"Can you see the blind?"
"I'm going to eat your toes"
"Freshmen looks makes eating children look fun "
"If clouds are made of water, doesnt that make rain abandoned cloud pieces because they aren't good enough to be clouds"
"I have cried over pasta"
"The dog isnt cute its rabid"
"What's the clear tape called? Oh ya tape"
"That's how you left our friendship, on the ground.... broken"
"And then they pulled a nut out of his chest!"
"What's the wiki?"
"They found a beluga whale with a harness, it's a Russian spy"
"What if I had a duck army and the commander is named Jim?"
"Boats are weird, am I right?"
"Is it true human spawn are born from a ritual of blood and pain?"
"The amish are part of the government.... they have control"
"You dont know how much someone is worth till you sell them"
"*whispers* put the lotion on the skin"
"Right now I'm Switzerland"
"Grades? is that a sause?"
"Call me sister slug"
"My emotions give me whip lash"
"I have the social tack of a dysfunctioning wrecking ball"
"shark bait hoo ha ha"
"I am a dramatic bird"
" Rome wasn't built in a day but did burn down in one"
"I'm to much like a house plant"
"Due to personal reasons I'm evil now"
"My lucky number is pi because my luck is never ending"
"Follow me, I'm right behind you"
"My body parts are in different time zones"
"I'm like a key to a lock that doesn't fit"
"How dare the world tilt on its axis"
"If your possessed by a demon, we aren't taking you home"
"Rose's are red, that much is true, but violets are purple, not fucking blue"
"Drink some tea, while we spill some tea"
"How many hail marrys?"
"I’m more temperamental than a mercury thermometer.”
"Put the lime and the coconut and shake it all up"
"I'm like a kid in a candy store, I just don't know when to stop"
" My emotions are like an avacado"
"Its either my arthritis or caffeine I can't tell anymore"
"You mean you can't tell people tallies by their baldness"
"Don't touch me I'm poisonous"
"Im so fucking feral"
"Is this how it ends?"
"You never realise how pale you are till you buy foundation"
"Can my imaginary friend kill me?"
"Jesus will forgive me"
“I want to eat a butterfly…. I just might”
“I’d hit a bitch with a lamp”
“I murdered for a muffin”
“Emotional support does not exist in this world”
“If i find a ghost attractive is it necrophilia”
“Free baby with every purchase”
“Death has an american accent”
“Death did not choose. He made a mistake”
“Trying to clobber somebody to death with cheap bedside decoration”
“Mom Im scared come pick me up they're howling again”
“Guess falling makes you change genders”
“I was once inspired by the soundtrack to frozen 2”
“Bros before immortality”
“Sex with a ghost? How would that even work?”
“If i was an egg i’d drop it”
“I wish i was well adjusted”
“wow, my mouth is watering… No that's the rabies flaring up”
“Im a good dude who makes strange work for him”
“What do you call terorism against heaven and hell?’
“I didnt sign up for this now suffer with me”
“Food is a metaphor for love”
“Oh shit wrong body… before he realizes that it doesn't matter”
“Snowflake the stalker peacock”
“Shane kills a man and eat cocoa puffs”
“Summoning a demon is pretty chill”
“And god said ‘ its kinda boring isn't it?”
“laying an egg is fucking wack”
“God once said ‘they will never comprehend those lights’ he then asked why she yeeted him to hell”
“What's it like to forgive a dumbass?”
“Earth is a libra”
“ my life is a lie thats why i live in my mind”
“Whats it like to be straight?”
“Are the straights ok?”
“I hide my issues while you hide your distress”
“My solution to everything is a good neck rub”
“We are like two peas in a rotten pod”
“Cannibalism and love should never be in the same sentence”
“I’m wearing a tummie tuck-FUCK”
“It’s not gay if he’s dead”
“Another interruption during the presentation will result in you being thrown out a window.”
“Jeez he meant a Literal closet”
“You know you fucked up when the villain starts to Tortured the entity death”
“Names Richard but I go by dick… by choice”
“The human mind is my worst fear”
“I’m a switchblade”
“My soul jumped a little”
“My back is like a glow stick”
“i don’t have a brain actually. my head is just filled with lots and lots of dried flowers”
“Vleb the American musical”
“damn, you live laugh love like this?”
“Are you really making jokes about your death?”
“ baths are the accepted human soup”
“I don’t want a sugar daddy I want a salty daddy”
“Sanity is not real, it's a social construct.”
“ Sprite is the want to be water“
“I’m not gonna lock my car. What are they gonna do, steal my Cinderella booster seat?”
“That’s what Christmas is all about. Eating sugar cookie dough like it’s weed.”
“Ghost be horny because they’re dead”
"What do you take me for, human?”
“I will put you in a neverending story full of plot holes and spelling errors”
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My Opinion on Purity Culture
Purity culture refers to the term most evangelical Christians use to promote the biblical view of purity. Purity culture mainly affects young Christian women, who grow up in strict Christian families. These girls are taught from a young age to wait to have sex until marriage or you go to hell. Not all families word it that way but in the mind of a twelve or thirteen-year-old girl thats what it sounds like. For me as a young girl, I was never interested in sex, I had my fair share of crushes but I never thought of boys romantically at the time, frankly, I’m not even sure if I knew what a boyfriend really was. When I got older I noticed the subject of purity being brought up in church, by my mom, and through Christian youtube channels and TV shows, I watched at the time.
A lot of these channels and TV shows are actually pretty predatory and use language that subconsciously brainwashes young girls into believing purity culture. When I was in eighth grade and fell into the rabbit hole of Christian youtube, I was immersed in a language that sounded welcoming but actually wasn’t. It was common for me to hear stuff like “If you don’t want to thats fine, but this is what God wants” or the youth pastor favorite of comparing a teenage girl to an inanimate object that loses its worth if its “used.” The reason why this is problematic is that it teaches young girls that if they do make this “mistake” they’ll be useless to Christian society and won’t be able to find a partner.
About six months ago I still had the same beliefs, these thoughts misconstrued my views daily about myself, men, and the world. It wasn’t until I started to read about the history of purity culture and understand what it actually is that I started to realize how for the past two years of my life I was trying to live up to some unnatural notion that only applies to women. Men can be victims of purity culture of course and in most Christian families they are encouraged to wait till marriage but there’s a different level of obsession when it comes to preventing young girls from having sex.
It’s common for girls to receive purity rings (I still wear mine), special talks, have Hymen checks or “purity tests”, some are even asked to go to purity balls with their fathers. Those all play into controlling women and, it’s obvious no matter how hard Christians try to explain their way out of it. We all know that most teenagers aren’t going to follow the rule of waiting until marriage but instead of actually talking to their kids they decide to use shame as their form of birth control which actually creates more confusion and “destruction” as they call it.
Now I’m not saying we should allow kids to just run around having sex, even as a sixteen-year-old girl I understand thats not logical. But it’s important to talk to kids in a respectful matter that doesn’t condemn them to hell. All teenagers have an underdeveloped brain that won’t be done growing for most until their twenty-five. So it’s illogical to put so much pressure on them during their adolescents, especially when it comes to hell, marrying at such early ages like eighteen and nineteen, purity tests, purity balls, and everything else that comes with being a teenager in America. It’s common for these young girls to get married at such young ages because they feel like they have no other option. It makes sense for these Christian relationships to turn to marriage once they turn eighteen because they’ve basically been groomed their whole life to think thats the way life works.
Purity culture has always been about men controlling women. From fathers taking their daughters to purity balls, marrying girls off at a young age, and checking hymens, when we know scientifically speaking you can’t really check for virginity. It’s an inherently misogynistic ideology that perpetuates the idea of women being weak and fragile and that they need to basically bow down to their partners sexually. Especially when you look at the same men preaching purity ignoring any science and biblical text that disagrees with them, don’t forget how this only applies to young girls. Virginity itself is a social construct with everyone having their own interpretation of it, it also was used by men to continue their weird fetish of young, sometimes even prepubescent, girls’ innocence. That’s still seen today with grown men wanting young virgin wives that are twenty plus years younger than them, or high school seniors wanting an inexperienced freshman.
It’s important for these young girls to not feel ashamed for their choice and to be taught how to have sex in a safe way. It’s also important we as a society talk about sex in an open and healthy way, and destigmatize a healthy sex life for women. It’s important for women to know they have options whether they want to have sex or not before marriage is their choice and they shouldn’t be ridiculed for it. It’s important whether you’re a Christian or an atheist to move on from this man created ideology that has no value to human life.
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Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from
Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched
In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.
Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.
Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure
Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.
Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.
If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.
Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.
All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.
Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.
This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.
My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.
Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.
Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.
Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.
And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.
The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.
And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.
Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me
That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"
Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it
He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!
But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.
No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?
Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.
And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.
I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.
I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.
Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves
Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.
Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...
Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...
my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.
But that all started because of my ex fiance.
He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.
And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.
Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.
I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.
Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.
By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.
And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.
When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.
And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.
I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.
I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.
But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.
So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.
Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦♀️
I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.
I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.
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So I’ve been reading Temperature of the Heart, and you’ve mentioned how you have the whole thing written already. Can you describe what that’s like? What’s your writing process? How long does it take for you to write everything start to finish? Do you plan it all out or just kind of wing it? How long do you sit in an idea before you start?? Sorry about all the questions, I’m just so curious >_
bro!!! are you sure i will scream about writing for days omg
first of all THANK YOU its so freaking cool that you came to ask your questions and that you like my writing, im still sort of getting used to my writing not just being garbage that i read in the dark at 2am and never share with anybody, and i am always excited to answer questions waaaah
(THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG I APOLOGIZE IM PUTTING A READING BREAK IN CAUSE I WENT OFF BRO, IM THE WOOOOORST)
my process is pretty weird, it’s kind of all over the place? I’m kind of a halfway planner halfway pantser. I have an idea and usually make some disjointed notes about character and the main idea, in my phone or maybe on a google doc, and then a pinterest board maybe? Something to get excited about, a visualization. I ALWAYS tell myself im going to make an outline first and then i ALWAYS just jump right into writing because I’m too excited/impatient to wait. give me words on a page. give me dialogue.
Usually when I’m a little bit into the project, when i know that I’m not going to abandon it to the depths off where my WIPs go to die (rip like literally over 300 individual and unique works, this is NOT an exaggeration, you should see my document bank its gross) Ill say “ok fuck you sami its time to actually know where you’re going” and I’ll sit down and make the grossest outline you have EVER seen. like im talking, my outlines are littered with memes, me yelling at myself, actual stuff thats going to end up in the final project, and just general random garbage? its so gross. Ive literally only showed one of my outlines to one person ever (hi akira!) bc im super self conscious of them and hate the way that i write them. making an outline usually sucks up an entire day of writing. they’re pages and pages because some parts will be INCREDIBLY specific and other parts will be so vague you dont even know
From there, when im done with my garbage outline, (after going back through what I’ve written and fixing the shit that was just me going off like a psycho) I usually start writing in earnest. I’ll highlight the parts of the outline that I’ve done and I’ll go back and check it often to make sure im following through on my plans and the character arcs and such, making sure that everything ties in and such. This section is me like. every day getting home from work or whatever and sitting down at the computer and not moving until 2am, this is the section where i forget to eat and I dont sleep enough and i forget to drink water or take my vitamins and I do word sprints with myself and have days where I write 10 thousand words in one sitting. (very not healthy and also terrible i do NOT recommend) this is the section where I’ll handwrite anything i can in the back of classes and at rehearsals because im pouring out words.
during this section I go back and edit ENDLESSLY. i cannot write something and just let it be. I go back to the section I wrote the night before, I go back to the section I just wrote, i go back to the very beginning. I generally dont have to do 1st 2nd 3rd draft this way, but it is much more time consuming as Im just writing. i dont know if i reccommend this its a MESS
THeN once i finish writing the whole thing, i sit down and reread/edit the whole thing once through. this makes sure i have good flow, the paragraphs go together well, the prose feels right to me, timelines make sense. during this time i make ENDLESS paper notes with calendars, section notes, additions, drabbles, thoughts about my own shit. i have notebooks full of just garbage. im not kidding. full notebooks.
Once I finish that read/edit through I’m usually happy. only once something is completely finished will I consider posting. I go back too much, I add shit, I can’t let go of shit, not until it’s done. While I’m posting - I go through the chapter I’m going to post with a fine tooth comb, try to catch any tiny little mistake, add words here and there, but never change anything large if I can help it. Then i format it on Ao3 (this is literal hell, fuck the HTML editor it wants me to die) and then post it. Deciding to post a chapter to actually hitting ‘post’ usually takes me 1-4 hours, depending on the length, the difficulty of formatting, and how many goddamn links i wanna put in the chapter notes cause im the worst~ (insert jean ralphio voice)
~~~
LISTEN im probably super extra but I’ve been writing since I was in sixth grade (thats twelve years! time is an enigma and i hate it!) and so I have a bit of practice, i have a bit of experience and while I’m not the best me that I can be, I KNOW myself, and this is just what works best for me.
As for timing - it depends on the length of the project and how motivated I am. It took me about a month to write Royal (~50k), just a little over a month to write All Might’s All Night Shop Stop (~75k), and just about two months to write Temperature of the Heart (~115k). I try to post every few days, because as a person I hate waiting and I don’t want to do that to my readers!
~~~
As for the ‘how long do i sit on an idea before writing it’ it really depends. Some things I will receive inspiration or a sliver of an idea and start writing it in the next ten minutes, even if I have to stop working on something I’m already working on, because that was Brain Has Decided. Sometimes I will consider an idea for like. months before actually doing it. I’ve had the idea for FBoW (the newest thing im working on oops? have i told anybody about this NO cause that will make it REAL) since before I started Royal, which was like. Last november. But I just couldnt quite do it for some reason, and it wasn’t pressing. My brain is super broken, and a lot of times I get sick over ideas. I can’t sleep or eat until I’ve written, and I will repeat phrases to myself until i can get them out of my head by writing them down. (Sometimes this is something nice or poetic - “The golden hour lights up the whole world, wiggling its fingers into every nook and cranny, lighting up two people lounging on a bench-swing, someone leaned onto porch stairs with a mug of tea, the space between those walking down a dirt road, a couple of dogs laid out on the deck.” and other times its literally “Ranch Fiddlesticks.” I’m not kidding. i have a note in my phone that says ranch fiddlesticks because I was actually going to Die if i didnt write it down.)
I do wish my brain didn’t do this - but I guess it makes some fun art, doesn’t it?
WOW OKAY THIS WAS SO LONG im so sorry jesus christ. SOrry i will ALWAYS go off about my process and what it’s like to write. Writing is so so important to me, I LOVE it with every tiny atom of my weak, alcohol-infused, overworked heart. Despite how scary it is sometimes I am very glad to be sharing my work with the world, seeing peoples’ reactions and hearing things about my words, hearing how this little picture in my mind has gone into yours.
okay jfc im done now im so sorry. thank you again and again and again, a thousand times over, for reading my work and enjoying the worlds that i enjoy building. It makes me feel like I’m worth it. It makes me feel like I’m doing something good.
ily :’)
#my writing#dont open this unless you're ready#its like 1.5k words long#I WENT OFF#i have so many feelings ok#i have so so so many feelings#thank you so much for sending me an ask#i love you nonny#sami answers
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After months of putting up with my roommate from hell, I got the revenge of lifetime and screwed her over out of a fuckton of money and got her to pay rent and life has never been sweeter! (This is a long one)
This is a long one but very much worth the ride, so buckle up. (also, English isn't my native lang, sorry if there are any mistakes)
This story takes place a couple of years back. During college, I lived with several roommates, all of them were nice and we got along well, except for this one bitch, let's call her Karen. if Satan and Hitler had a child and that child had a child with Stalin and Cruella de Vil, that would be Karen for you, she is a loud-mouthed stupid, egocentric bitch who has the face that scare the shit out of a toilet. She would never clean up after herself, she would always leave her plates and things at the spot where she last used them. I have lost counts of how many times, I caught her stealing my clothes without asking and if you so much as touch her clothes she loses her shit on you, or her drinking our lactose-intolerant roommates almond milk and any time we confronted her for drinking it, she would shrug and say "I only had a sip, stop being so stingy." She plays her music loud at night, invites stranger without giving any heads up, a time or two she didnt pay rent even though her parents are FILTHY RICH and she is wearing gucci and prada shit, Karen also fucking lies about everything, even things that are not worth lying about. like if she woke up 7, and you ask her, she'll lie through her fucking teeth and say she rose with the sun rise because she is a natural. (ps, this is something i actually heard her say to her parents while she was skypeing them....so cringy, who the fuck says that? but i digress)
Months we have fucking put up with her, of course we tried to get other roommates but unfortunately when we all moved in everything, all documents and contracts were done in her name so kicking her out would require a lot of effort and most of us were busy with school and work and life happens. So we ignore it as much as we can and try to move on.
We are now all seniors and in our final semesters, meaning graduation was coming, AND Karen is planning a backpack trip across Europe with her friends as a graduation gift to herself, this is important so remember this.
One of our roommates and my closest friend, Sasha, has had a crush on a guy that lives down the hall. Any time the two of them are together, Sasha and the Guy keep giving each other googly eyes and blushing faces; it was sooo cute. Sasha is a verbal autistic person and has never dated anyone because she has a hard time with socializing and understanding social ques and subtlety, which lets face it, that is the core of dating, especially flirting but with a lot of encouragement from me and the final roommate, Lola we got her to ask him out. He said yes. She was so happy, you guys, she flew back into the apartment and did an hour of happy dance with her arms flailing about and a shit eatin grin on her face; needless to say we were all so happy. Karen caught wind of this and it just so happens at that time she was having relationship problems, I guess her bf finally realized he's dating human garbage. Not one to be outshined, Karen behind all of our backs went to the guy's place and spun lies about Sasha, saying she is a serial cheater and even made a fake account for Sasha's so called bf. the guy never called Sasha, and eventually weeks passed by he told us why but by then Sasha felt like the damage was done and lost interest in him.
I. WAS. FUCKING. FURIOUS.
This, this level of dickery and bloody pettiness is the straw that finally broke the camel's back and I vowed I wouldn't fucking leave until I served my slice of justice. Here's another character that you must know about, Prof C. His wife two years ago was in a horrible car accident and as a result is in a wheelchair, this is especially problematic because she was a stay home mom that took care of their two special needs kids and they have a toddler at home. Home life is a mess for him, he is running ragged between working and single-handedly is taking care of his family, the uni took pity and also feared the workload would see one of their best and most beloved teachers leave the school struck a deal with him to help him out. In all of his classes there will be quizzes and midterms, this doesnt change, but assignments you submit and he corrects at the end of the year, this is important cuz our uni has zero tolerance on proffs that dont constantly update the students course works so that students have the chance to improve their grades.
Karen, the lazy and stupid bitch she is, is somehow skating through his assignments, even though they require a shit tone of research and writing. I accidentally learned that one of her older friends told her that she only needs submit the paper on its due date and to only write the first 3 pages and use a paraphrase tool for the rest of the paper so the plagiarism software wont detect it and would think its original material and when the end of the year comes, submit a hard copy but with the first pages being her actual work and the rest being completely plagiarized, professional work. Prof C won't know cuz the likelihood a man as busy as him thoroughly checking the work of 120+ students is pretty low. I grinned. A plan was beginning to formulate in my head. Oh, sweet mother of Jesus, she is going down! All semester long I let her do this for all of the 7 papers, one of them which is a term paper that has 20% on it alone, all the while I spied and gathered all of her pass codes, social media, her student ID, everything.
The end of the year came and I compiled all of her assignments, both the original one with the paraphrasing tools she used to circumvent plagiarism and the one she finally handed them in, and I even made photos were there are side-to-side comparison of the assignments. This is a good start but not enough. So, One day chillin at the living room I open a conversation about relationships, Karen is two timing her new boyfriend and is sleeping with some other Person. so, I ask her questions like "don't you feel guilty for cheating?" and "You do realize this is wrong?" and I even paraphrase my words in a way that is vague but also clear, for example I would say "It's not fair, so many people work so hard everyday to be successful and you are here cheating and lying your way to success." Karen, narcissistic as fuck, would respond with snippets of I dont care and how she isnt cheating, she is only having fun and that everyone does it so why not her too. This is too good to be true, even her answers are vague, its like god put his hand on my shoulder, looked me right in the eyes and said, "burry this bitch". and Id be damned if I didnt. As you probably have guessed it by now, I was recording EVERYTHING. The recording plus the photos, and her assignments were more than enough evidence, I sent an anonymous email to the Professor, and i tell the girls so that they can prep for the shit storm thats coming. Three weeks later, results are out. she failed and LOST HER SHIT. She was screamin, crying, wailing, what a sight to see! you best believe, the girls and I were laughing. She tried to talk to the prof, but he was not having it. she cried and begged for a second chance but he said a hard no. So now she has two options: she goes ahead and doesn't graduate with us, and takes on a whole 'nother semester for one measly course or take summer course and cancel her trip to Europe, which mind you she spent a fuckton on, something like 13, 000$ and I know it could have been much cheaper but Princess Karen only wanted the best so yh. The next couple of weeks she spent sleepless nights because she was calling and cancelling all the reservations she made, tryin to get her money back BUT (again, GOD really was out for blood that day) because the cancellation was so close to some her trip most places refused to refund, or some charged her cancellation fees. She only managed to scrap 5.5 K back together, lossin 7.5 K. OUCH!
Its not over, having damning evidence I, with earned gusto, told her she was going to pay all of the bills till we move out, which was in two months, payback for all the times she was late on payment or defaulted and she would from now do her part of the house chores or else Im gonna send it all to the admin and faculty dean and she will fo sho be kicked out and all those uni years will have been for nothing. She hated it, she fucking threw tantrums and cussed me out but my god if she didnt do whats told. she cleaned her stuff, apologized to Sasha for what she did, I forced her to come clean to her BF (dont know the guy but the few times i met him he was super sweet to us and i felt bad for the guy), I watched her actually do the dishes for the first time in like years. IT was fucking amazing and I don't regret it one bit. In fact, anytime I feel sad now as an adult, i kick back my feet and reminiscine and a slow shit eatin grin draws itself upon my face.
tl;dr roommate was super mean, i found out she was cheating on her assignments and so i snitched on her and as a result she had to stay the summer and retake the class again or else she wouldn't graduate.
(source) story by (/u/let-the-write-one-in)
#prorevenge#by /u/let-the-write-one-in#pro revenge#revenge stories#pro revenge stories#pro#revenge#last10
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ookay so absolutely no one asked for this post but i’ve been so unreliable lately with literally everything that i figure i can at least explain what’s been going on for the last six months or so. i know i’ve briefly touched on this to others in discord and some of this has been viewable through some of my other posts and all but, here’s a big block of text explaining why i fall in and out of tumblr, discord and everywhere else i exist online
TL;DR?: I’m depressed, anxious, & or in a panic pretty much all the time, and disability has really effed me over.
I lived in an incredibly quietly abusive home for the last fifteen years of my life. I am just now turned twenty.
when i say this, i don’t mean it in any kind of roundabout way, and it’s really only been in the last year that i realized that this is what i was living. and i will come out and say that i don’t even think my parents realized this was how they were treating me, that this was the kind of household they were building for me. and honestly, it was a way worse experience for me than it was or will be for my younger siblings (i hope).
the fact of the matter is, my biological mother was a drug addicted alcoholic, since the birth of my sister who is only two years younger than me. my mother was not a very good role model mother in really any way, and i really honestly wish i had more to offer than this basic, umbrella-like summary. but it’s so bad that i have almost no memory of what my mother was like, personally. i don’t remember her voice, her face, or any of that. she died of an overdose when i was eleven. It’s been nine years and, really, I have more memories that are worth my time remembering after the fact. i grew to hate my mother with my entire being, and her death wasn’t something i dealt with right.
even now, i haven’t dealt with it well, but i have let go of the anger that really held me back.
since that moment of my life, it seemed like an event that became who i was. i was the kid who’s mom died, i was friendless and depressed, and i acted like everything was fine, and i honestly still do. eventually, of course, things moved on --- my dad found another woman to love, who became the mother i wished i always had. of course, there was a lot of internal conflict as this happened, something that while i was never aware of it, happened no matter what i really believed. evidently, at the end of the day, losing your biological mother is something that really changes you, especially when she went by way of suicide.
my father remarried in 20...14? maybe? i really don’t remember --- my years and months really started running together in my mind, and honestly my memory has never been something to brag about when it comes to my own life. life seemed to be okay but really, there was a lot of conflict between my family and i. my father is a military man, and was heavily heavily abused as a child, and almost killed by his own mom. but he was an abusive father by way of mental and emotional abuse, especially once i entered high school. i was constantly compared to my mother, which i hated because she took her own life, and she was the worst role model of my life. my father had a habit of callling me useless, or telling me i would never amount to anything. in his mind, he was doing me a favor --- trying to make me realize i needed to change. but all he did was instill a hopelessness inside of me that he would never understand or admit to giving me or being part of.
my self esteem tanked by the time i was a sophomore in school, and my grades began to really see a dip. i was spending less time on my schooling, because i was exploring hobbies that my father didn’t approve of, which meant i was spending more time hiding the things that made me happy than i was studying. school was becoming something i didn’t like as much as i once did --- it was getting so hard to find joy in anything, and i realize now that was the major & chronic depression that i would later be diagnosed with. but all i heard from my parents at that time was that i was sick in the head --- that i would turn out dead like my own mother, a drug addict and homeless and useless. and eventually, a thought hit --- why bother?
when i was in the summer year between my sophomore and junior year of high school, the summer of 2016, i made a plan to take my own life, because i felt like such a burden.
i was not the most aware of what would work --- and i was very against going through something painful --- so i found an amalgamation of every prescription and non-prescription drug in the house. which was quite a lot. and i would siphone pills through the day, slowly, so it was less noticeable.
when my family found them, they refused to believe that i was depressed and suicidal, instead choosing to believe i was selling pills at school, peddling fake drugs (considering there were pre-natals among my stash, which, admittedly, wouldn’t have done much). instead of ever offering and following through with counseling, they asked me one time when i was fourteen and never actually put me into a place. they make the excuse now that it would not have been beneficial if i didn’t want it, but i recall several times speaking to them about getting into counseling and nothing ever coming of it.
the next two years would be a total rollercoaster. at seventeen, a predator was contacting me and trying to get photos, my location, even so much as meeting up with me. my parents put me through hell for talking to the guy --- and now i realize that whether or not i was an older female, i was still under eighteen and being taken advantage of. my principal and secretary of the school got involved, and i became more suicidal than ever. i lost friends due to the state of mind i had.
luckily, i graduated high school and turned eighteen, and this seemed to be the end of my forseeable problems. i had been working through high school, and though my family had forced me to resign from the last workplace due to workplace drama and claiming my coworkers were bad influences, I was searching for jobs and hopeful for getting into college.
i was not the perfect child at home (i rebelled against chores like any kid, and when i worked, i was even less reliable for doing chores because i was never home to cause the mess but somehow it was always my job to clean it up when i had a sister two years younger who was FULLY capable, but thats just another story tbh), but professional help has also made me see that i was not deserving of the kind of punishments my father put me through, including being lectured at about how much of a failure child i was for over three hours almost per night during the summer. i did not experiment with drugs as a high school student, i never attempted to run away or sneak out, i had a few thief instances that never recurred the way my younger sister’s instances were monthly.
in july, barely a month and a half after graduating and turning eighteen, my parents kicked me out. i had nowhere to go, no money to help me, and no amount of help from them. and yet, i managed to move into a place a few weeks after the news.
it was a huge mistake.
i had found someone on craigslist (BAD IDEA PAST ME) renting out a room in their home. they lived an hour from the nearest bus stop (an hour walking) but close to the downtown area. rent was about half of what i made in a month. and very quickly, there were problems. once i had the place found, i had no other options --- the few other places that were that cheap were no longer available, and my deadline was coming up. the place itself was pretty atrocious --- dirty and gross, BUT i was told it was being fixed over the next month and i thought if i could help out, no problems. there were cats (i was allergic, though it did eventually seem to fall out from me living there) and even a bird that was loud and annoying. the cons really outweighed any pros, but it had taken a long time to find the place, and i was not sure i would make my deadline before my parents dropped me off at a shelter. plus, i was supposed to be going to school in the next few months for college, with loans and all, and it should have been fine!
just kidding.
i moved in, met the three other roommates, and began the downward spiral. i was almost immediately out of money --- rent was far too much, and i couldn’t buy groceries afterwards. my phone bill lapsed a few times, and i never was able to finish paying off the deposit. my routine became something terrible. i only ate once a day, while at work with my free meal. and on saturday and sunday, which i didn’t work, i only ate a little bit, if one of my friends happened to give me food out of pity, or else i didn’t eat anything. i started stocking up on CLIF bars, because i could eat one and sleep the rest of the day with little issues.
i slept on the floor of the room, miserable, in a panic. the landlord (who also lived in the living room of the place but worked) was horrible. he essentially demanded that i take care of him while he was home, and expected me to just do it because he hadn’t kicked me out yet for not having the deposit paid.
eventually, i had enough. one of the other roommates, his name was Josh, was getting tired of the same treatment. and my final straw was when i found out the landlord searched through my room without asking and while i wasn’t there. so he and i got together, started looking for a place closer to town, and gave him a verbal/written notice of moving out.
however, this fell through, too. josh lost the money he had for the apartment two weeks before we were supposed to move, and so i had to scramble to find a place. i got lucky --- a really good friend of mine talked to her mom and they took me in when he couldn’t recover the money. i left josh with some of my things until i had a permanent place.
he stole half of all of my belongings, about five hundred dollars worth of miscallaneous stuff.
josh disappeared off the face of the planet, after faking his own death to me via his ex. it got wild, and i almost (and should have) took it to the police to get my things. but because his whereabouts are really unknown to me, it was going to be a way more expensive process than i was into.
around that same time, my financial aid for school fell through due to some change, and without any cosigner for a loan, i had no option but to drop out -- and still got footed for a bill of $1700. for school i couldn’t and never did attend.
the following year of this was not that bad --- my friend’s mom moved out of the house and left it to us. it was a really nice, three bed and two baths with a nice kitchen. they bought me a bed and bed frame, as i had previously been sleeping on the couch, without a mattress of any kind (Josh stole it). i was so grateful.
but after a year, too, she had gotten a boyfriend and they were talking about moving to nashville for his job (they’re there now, congrats to them!) and her mom was going to sell the house.
at this point, my family was in some contact with me again --- my mother and i had less issues than i had with my father, and she found out the situation and offered me to come back home. they were having issues with my younger sister, and i think they hoped my newfound independence could rub off. they would charge me no rent.
I agreed, a huge mistake. I know this now --- but at the time, I wanted their approval and wanted nothing more than to live with my family without problems, which is what was promised to me. They acknowledged I was an adult. This was a lie.
once back home, things were supposed to get better. or be better, rather. but it was immediate to me that it was not true --- once again, all of my decisions were being scrutinized by my family. i would work most of the day, and if i didn’t come home and socialize, i was getting long talks about being part of the “family.” i tried to accomodate all of this, and still it was not enough. if i was spending my money on anything they didn’t approve of, i was getting lectured about it. from the months of august 2018 until the end of january 2019, i was miserable, and depressed, and wanted nothing more than to die.
at the end of december, right before christmas, i finally found a counselor. my family had made it a must for me --- if i wanted to continue living there, i had to go to counseling. so i found a place and someone i began to trust. not long after, i started realizing just how bad i felt in life at home, and my counselor (agreeing for the first and last time with my family) mentioned an in-patient therapy place.
SO, in January, I went to an in-patient hospital for three weeks to undergo constant watch, and this would change my life.
the most recent big event in my life had been me breaking up with my girlfriend. some of you may know of her already, known as ruby, pretty prominent in the youtube rp fandom. she was abusive. not only to me but to others, and though i was warned, i dated her, fell in love with her, and she proceeded to make me feel bad for everything i wanted to do or did. so in the months between november and january, i was being put down by not only my family, who were still calling me useless, worthless, ignorant, and made to be my mother, my girlfriend was also making me feel bad for talking to other people, for spending time playing games and having hobbies that didn’t involve her.
when i went to this hospital, i was under watch 24/7 for three weeks. they took my vitals, watched my every move. and i was supposed to be on track for finding my weaknesses.
This experience was vital for me --- but it also broke me down.
i was suddenly feeling every emotion i ever hid from myself. i felt myself break down and instead of hiding behind the solid walls i used to have, i had nothing to defend myself with. every thought about the family that seemed to tear me down, tore me down all over again. every thought about how my exgirlfriend saw ME as abusive or neglectful for not being awake at midnight to greet her from work had me in tears and believing no one would ever love me. it felt like someone ripped out my heart and threw it down to let everyone who ever wanted to trample it, do so without a fight.
it took three weeks to come back, and i was a broken woman. i had a better knowledge about myself, how my emotions worked and what i needed to do, but i was raw to the world, and my father supposedly understood. but it was clear to me, within the next week, that this was wrong. he wasted no time continuing to tell me that i wasn’t trying hard enough, that i wasn’t putting any effort into my life. that i was content to lay around and was worthless and just like my mother.
so i left. i called someone i met while i was away, and he helped me move out that day. but my panic was non-stop. i couldn’t work the way i used to --- panic attacks were happening more often, and i was calling out more because of it. i ended up quitting out of fear of being fired, because i couldn’t get up every day anymore and go to work the way i used to.
eventually i moved again --- i found a guy i got along with really well, liked a lot. his family was very generous --- but they eventually kicked me out too. and now, i’m living with an old friend of mine, her family like my second family. but i changed --- i have a whole slew of medicines i’m supposed to take daily in order to function without panic in my daily life. debt’s come back around, and work has become harder to find. i’ve recognized that i have a disability, in the form of major and chronic depression, bipolar, and ptsd from my mother’s death and further abuse. i don’t get job responses the way i once did, and there are days where i stay in bed (on the couch where i live now) all day, panicking about the fact that i’m considered homeless, that i have no job, that i’m losing insurance soon and college is slowly slipping through my fingers. applying for disability guarantees me nothing, and marking myself as disabled, when compared to last year when i didn’t, has resulted in less interest in my resume, whch is great
i’m trying for commissions for art or writing. i’m trying to write a novel to maybe make something of myself. but i don’t know what to do.
so. if you’ve ever wondered why i don’t stick around all day like i used to, if you ever wonder why you haven’t heard from me in a week or longer, there’s why.
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‘You’re my muse.’
Luke x Reader blurb.
Summary: Y/N is a photography student in her 3rd year of college. It’s the end of the semester project time and she’s given a task that leads her to an unsuspecting stranger.
Warnings: its cute, maybe a swear or two, that’s about it.
Word Count: 1,100+
“Alright class, before you all run out of my lecture hall, I have your final assignment” Professor Stevenbach says fixing his bowtie.
The class erupts in groans and he lets out a hefty laugh. “Now now class, it’s a good project” He exclaims as he hands out papers to each row.
“Your assignment, should you choose to accept it” he snickers to himself, leaving the hall in dead silence. He clears his throat and continues. “I want you to take your cameras out on the town, and find the one thing that captures your eye, your muse if you’d like to call it that. Photograph it, show it’s depth, dimension, emotion. I want to see your pictures and understand where your idea came from. Be creative, and HAVE FUN!!” He sang the last part out as the bell rang.
As the class scurried out, you carefully put your laptop in your backpack, along with the assignment. “Don’t forget class, this project is due in 3 days! I also want a paragraph explaining your photos” The prof yelled over the kids eagerly running out of the lecture hall. You made your way out slowly, placing your earbuds in your ears and started the long trek to your car on the other end of the campus. As you walked over, you thought of things you could do for your project, what could you photograph? You pass by trees and flowers, freshly blooming and symbolizing a new beginning.“Nah” you thought to yourself. ‘So cliche’. You snicker at your own comment and continue walking.
As you approach your car, you see a family of geese walking in the opposite direction. You smile and think of animals as an option, symbolizing unity and family. You knew too many people were going to do these topics, and it left you with a creative writing block, so you decided to drive over to your favourite coffee shop, and brainstorm some ideas as they came to you.
Once you arrived, you walked over to the entrance, and immediately stopped dead in your tracks the second you saw him.
He was tall, 6′2″ at best. Had long curly hair and painted nails. A man so exquisite and yet so rugged and handsome. You pull out your camera and sit at a table further away from him. When he looks back down at his phone, you take the opportunity to take a shot. You look back at the picture, and it’s perfect. You just needed one last shot, so you waited for him to look up, and as he looked up, he looked straight at you and his once still face was now a frustrated, angry face.
“You people seriously can’t leave me alone, can you?” He says walking over to you.
“E-excuse me?” You stutter in confusion, unaware as to what you did.
“You paps are always invading my personal time, time for ME. MYSELF. THATS IT. If i were you, i’d fucking get up and walk away because this is my time. Don’t take that away from me.” He rolls his eyes as you tremble in fear over his negative attitude.
“I-I’m sorry, you don’t understand I-”
“No, I get it. It’s your job, it’s what puts food on the fucking table right? Well, I need my space too. So can’t you just come back another time? Seriously.” He crosses his arms, and leaves you speechless. He scoffs and turns. “Pathetic” He spits out and starts back to his table.
“You’re my muse”
He stops dead in his tracks and turns slowly. “Your what?”
You gulp and smile softly. “I’m Y/N Y/L/N, i’m a photography student at UCLA. I was assigned a project to find my muse. Someone who I admired from afar, thought was original and unique and looked like an incredibly handsome gentleman.”
He furrows his brows. “And that’s me?”
You shrug. “I don’t just call anyone a muse, Mr.-”
“Luke. Luke Hemmings.” He sticks out his hand and you gladly accept it. “Listen, i’m sorry for being rude before. I’m just so used to annoying paps and their cameras flashing, so when you literally sat right by me and started taking pictures, I got fed up.”
“I don’t blame you, it must be annoying having people constantly watching you with cameras, waiting for you to make a mistake or something.”
He nods. “That’s exactly it!” You smile softly. “I’m sorry for taking your photos without permission, that was rude of me. It’s just, you were perfect. I was hoping, you’d allow me to take more pictures of you. Just so I have more options.” You ask, never breaking eye contact. He smiles and nods. “Come, join me.” He ushers you over to his table and you immediately get to work.
You both goof off and share a few laughs as you take funny, and serious photos for your project. You spent the entire afternoon, drinking iced coffees and describing your lives to eachother and it was fasciniating for the both of you. After a long while of chatting, you finally check your phone, and it’s already 6PM.
Time flies when you find a muse.
“I should probably get back home.” You say packing up your camera. “Hang on, Y/N” He places his hand over yours on the table. “Can I call you sometime?” He asks smiling softly. You nod and trade phones. “You seriously put your contact name as “Mr. Muse” in my phone?” You chuckle softly and he smiles. “Well, I did the exact same thing for you, Ms. Muse.” His cheeks flush a soft pink, causing you to blush back.
You rush home to edit your photos and started writing your paragraph for the assignment.
‘I was told to find a muse that captures my eye, and photograph it. I’ve never been so immediatly drawn to a human being before, but something about my muse was... alluring. He was so dashingly handsome, and his aura screamed expression and creativity. My muse was frustratingly curious as to why i was candidly photographing him. He expressed emotions, and honesty that I’ve never heard a man express. He was upset with me, but for a reason that wasn’t my doing. My muse and I, over the course of 3 hours, got these images together. 3 images. A serious face, to portray the initial reaction to my photography. A candid laugh, to portray our immediate connection, and A smile, because my muse was a piece of work, but Mr. Luke Hemmings, was worth the slight struggle.’
You attached all the files over to your school email and sent it in, but not before taking a picture of your assignment and sending it to Luke.
Mr. Muse: Wow, didn’t know you liked me THAT much already Ms. Muse.
Y/N: Sorry, Mr. Muse. I was trying to get a good grade.
Mr. Muse: And what if it doesn’t?
Y/N: Honestly... doesn’t matter.
‘Meeting you, was worth it.’
najskfnjkansfn (first off, who caught me calling luke 6′2″.. cocktail chats anyone?? HES 6′4″ THE MAN CAN’T LIE) I hope you guys like this. I really, really wanted to try this concept as I loved this idea so much and was so unsure as to how to execute it properly. if you hate it, it’s ok too!!!
#blurbs#imagines#5sos blurbs#5sos imagines#luke hemmings blurbs#luke hemmings imagines#cake network#cals soft hoes#welovecalumclub#cashton appreciation nw#the youngblood network#calmcrew
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Responding to a year’s worth of hate mail
lol it’s been a while since we ventured into the inbox. here’s a selection of the hate mail we’ve received.
all of these have usernames attached because we have anon off, but since I don’t necessarily trust everyone who reads this not to send (arguably deserved) hate, I’m not including the names. you’re welcome.
Thats why all u can call out are sources and “art theft” Ur legit jus mad bc u dont have anywhere near as many followers as they do. Grow the fvck up, man, and act ur age.
you first. make sure to pay attention in your 3rd grade spelling class! it’s really important to learn how to write properly. :)
People need to grow a spine and stop being so butt hurt by every little thing. I do agree that art 6p uses needs to be correctly sourced and credited to the OC, but sometimes it can be hard finding a credible correct source to a specific image
oh my god. you’ve made a medical breakthrough. you’ve managed to figure out spinal regeneration AND a solution to the opioid epidemic??? get this person a nobel prize!!!
also here’s how to find the source for an image it’s really not that hard
There are no sources for some of sixpence’s stuff I’m calling the cops
don’t forget to call a whaaaambulance too we need to be hospitalized from that sick burn
I love how you guys take stuff out of context! Like my favorite is people correcting you on stuff sixpenceee said and you calling it harassment, super funny keep up the great comedy!
thanks! so nice to see our work is appreciated :)
Get over it!
get over what. you need to be more specific. get over a nearby mountaintop? get over our own past hangups? get over what Joss Whedon did to Natasha Romanoff? because that last one is never going to happen.
c'mon dude, grow the fuck up . you're probably some little baby who's sad that she gets more attention then you do. boo fucking hoo. you're a god damn child
you can tell we aren’t babies because we’re allowed to say “fuck”
After looking through your "evidence" to all the things you claim sixpencee to do and be, the only thing I've seen is that your nothing but a typical Tumblr social justice extremist who wants attention. You don't wanna close this blog? The fucking fine, Tumblr will be more than happy to do that for you since this blog is meant to target someone. You should be ashamed of yourself.
we’ll add “be ashamed of ourselves” to our to do list, thanks! quick question tho. is “the fucking fine” a new tax on nsfw posts? b/c that’s quite an innovative way to deal with pornbots that I think legit should be tried.
I feel like you're a sad person if you have to have a blog about someone you don't like. Obviously, you being negative about sixpenceee being negative doesn't make a positive. I hope you find happiness and someday you're able to not waste your time analyzing and scrutinizing a blog every day.
if making a blog about someone you don’t like makes you a sad person, what does sending hate mail to a blog you don’t like make you?
certainly not a good person, that’s for sure.
yoo, i understand that you don't like her blog (it's quite clear), but was an entire blog dedicated to shitting on her reall neccessary? You're not exactly making anyone happier, it's more along the lines of ruining someones blog. Some of your 'proof' posts trot into special snowflake territory (hate me all you want but it's true) and it's a valid argument for the people that can actually accept mistakes and move on. Call put her mistakes sure, but you're really dragging them out too far.
yeah, it’s necessary, because a lot of the people who call sixpenceee out end up deactivating / removing posts because they get inundated with hate from sixpenceee’s fans.
also we’re not the ones ruining sixpenceee’s blog. she’s doing a great job of doing that herself; we’re just shining a spotlight on it.
I just think there are far worse people in the world, and sixpence could really be a pretty agreeable person with just a different perspective and different environment around her than you or others. But are those differences enough for us to completely demonize her and instead not try to relate to her enough to level with her and communicate on a more constructive basis ?Aren't there worse people in the world that need exposing versus just a girl who likes to post over related things?
this just in, supporting child slavery is not problematic, it’s just a different perspective!
I don't want to defend sixpence but this blog really isn't productive in the slightest. Maybe people will unfollow on the off chance they run into your blog? Or...You COULD do normal things like contact the authorities, report literally every chance you get (since you clearly you have the free time). If you're not going to actually do something then you're part of the problem. A little blog won't even dent the change you want to make.
you think we haven’t reported sixpenceee’s bullshit? tumblr doesn’t do shit about it because she’s one of their most popular bloggers.
and I dunno, the 200+ positive messages in our inbox thanking us for making this blog mean something. not much, but something.
Do you seriously have nothing better to do than to have a blog dedicating to defiling another blog?? Like why???? You COULD just unfollow her and go about your life instead of being extra and making a blog about your teenage angst
ngl I love that you used the word “defile”. it’s a fantastic word that’s really underutilized
Woowwwwwww someone pissed in your cheerios lmfao
...I was wondering what that taste was. thanks for clearing up that little mystery!
You have too much time on your hands lol
thank you for reminding me of the absolutely awful movie In Time. please don’t steal my time, I need that.
This is beyond stupid. I love Tumblr cause we can post whatever we want and show others who we really are. I can't do this on Facebook lol so why go after someone who wants to post whatever they want or interested in?? There is no harm going on. I think your just jealous. If you don't like the posts then just don't follow the person. Making a page about how much you don't like sixpence is very immature!
we’re also posting what we want and showing the world who sixpenceee really is. freedom of speech doesn’t just apply to people you agree with, you know.
Forgive me if I misunderstand, but what is the goal here? To get her page taken down? Why are you spending so much energy to call out one person for their, frankly, common misconceptions and issues? Wouldn't it be easier to hide her content from your own viewing so that you don't have to see it? Couldn't you give her your grievances directly? I mean ultimately it's about whatever makes you feel better. No one can stop you, but you also gotta know that you can't necessarily stop her either.
check the FAQ for our goals.
and sixpenceee is notorious for ignoring people who don’t kiss her ass
and you’re right. you can’t stop us now cuz we’re haVING A GOOD TIME HAVING A GOOD TIME!!
ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
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Branded A Serpent Lover
(Gif Credit to @idiotharringtons )
Requested by @throwbck Thank you for my very first Sweet Pea and Riverdale request.
Hope you all enjoy it and If you want to be added to Sweet Pea’s tag list, let me know.
Happy Reading Dollies.
Warning Violence against women, branding, talk of blood and the smell of burning skin. Language.
If you like it and you think it needs a part 2, let me know cause I guess I left it on a cliff hanger but I could be wrong. So enjoy
When the Serpents moved to Northside after their school was closed, you thought it was a bad idea. The history that the Southside had with Northside made you worry about all your new friends that you had made when Jughead, started to go to Southside he introduced you to Sweet Pea, Toni and Fangs. Everybody seemed to be cool with it except Reggie, Cheryl and their social crowd. They made trouble since the beginning.
You sat at the lunch table with Jughead, Toni, Fangs and Sweet Pea. The guys were talking about the dance that was coming up and who they were taking.
"So Y/N who are you going to the dance with"? Toni asked, eyeing Sweet Pea as he chewed on his lower lip waiting for your answer.
"I don't know yet, no ones really asked me".
"Oh didn't Reggie ask you"? Betty came along sitting beside Jughead. Sweet Pea balled up his fist, just thinking if you had went with Reggie instead of him.
"He did, I told him to fuck off, I dont date jocks". You giggled, Sweet Pea let out a breath he didnt know he was holding in and Fangs saw that. He took this time to make Sweet Pea man up and ask you, so he flirted with you.
"So jocks are out of the question, what about a certain Serpent"? Fangs smirked, knowing that Sweet Pea likes you.
"Fangs if you want to go with me just ask". You threw a piece of food at him.
He chuckled. Sweet Pea kicked him in the knee, making a confused giggle come out of you.
"Ow, Pea, you know I have track". We all laughed at Fangs rubbing his leg and Sweet Pea shaking his head.
The bell rung, lunch was over and back to class it was.
During fourth period you felt two set of eyes on you. One was Reggie, drooling over you and the other pair was Sweet Pea, with a simple sweet smile. They would look at you, then to each other.
"Class I want you to pair up with someone and do the assignment together, it will be twenty percent of your grade". “So pick wisely”. "Now go".
You looked around, the only person in this class you really got along with was Sweet Pea and no one was asking him to be his partner. So you walked over to him but before you got to him, Reggie grabbed your arm. "Lets be together". You shrugged out of his grip.
Sweet Pea saw what was going on and came to your rescue. "She's with me dickhead". "So dont touch her again".
Reggie shot daggers into Sweet Pea, they both hated each other and you were stuck in the middle.
"Watch it Serpent scum". Reggie got in Peas face, making Pea get in his and everyone looking to you.
You pulled Sweet Pea away. "Come on Pea, he's not worth it". You stuck out your tongue at Reggie as a blonde came over taking his attention away from Sweet pea and you.
"Sorry for doing that in class, he just makes me so angry". Sweet Peas face was red with anger and his hands balled in a fist.
"It's okay Pea, thank you for coming over when you did".
Sweet Pea nodded and got to the work. For a boy that hated school, he new alot about it.
"We are going to ace this". He said as he put the last answer on the paper.
"We, you did most of it". You said putting your books in your book bag.
"You were here to keep me calm and focused, thats how I got it done". He laughed. His laugh was so warming. You starred at his eyes as he finished up.
"Hey Pea"?
"Yeah"?
"Would you like to go to the dance with me"?
"Isn't the guy suppose to ask"?
"Who cares, I'm weird". Taking a quote from Jughead made Sweet Pea grin.
"Yeah, I would like too".
"Great then we have our first date, I'll see you Friday , you can pick me up at my house". You whispered kissing his cheek as the next bell rung.
Sweet Pea held his cheek as you walked out of the class room, your first date, no one could wipe the smile from his face, if they wanted too as he smiled from ear to ear while Reggie watched hidden in the corner with horror.
Friday afternoon came quickly, as you went home to get ready for the dance.
You had found a short black dress with little purple skull and crossbones, with the back cut out and black high heel pumps to match Sweet Peas outfit. You knew he would love it.
Finishing up your make up, you looked at the clock. Five thirty, Sweet Pea would be here soon.
Just as you put on your shoe, there was a knock at the door. Walking to the door, you looked out the peep hole. There stood Reggie. What the hell?
Swinging the door open, you were going to yell at him but then two other Bull Dogs came out of no where. Forcing their way in. You tried to run but they caught you with ease.
"Come on Serpent slut, dont fight us, we dont want to hurt you.... bad". One said as he covered your head with a hood.
They threw you in a car and dashed off, you tried to remember every turn you took and when you stopped but that was harder to do when one of them had their hands on you. It was probably Reggie trying to cop a feel. Pervert.
Coming to a complete stop, you were jerked out of the car. Lead into a build and tied to a chair.
Your hood was ripped off and the kidnappers came to focus. Reggie, Cheryl and a bunch of Bull Dogs were standing around a fire.
Out of the corner of your eye you saw Sweet Pea being held by two Bull Dogs and chains. He had a black eye, busted lip and his shirt was cut up. Blood stains covered it.. They cut him, not to bad from what you could see.
Struggling to get out, Cheryl strutted over and gave you a back hand slap. Making you wince at the pain. Sweet Pea pulled at the chains but that landed him a hit to the gut.
"Y/N why is it so hard for you to learn that you dont belong with any of them Serpent pricks"? Reggie came up behind Cheryl, running his finger across her cheek.
You spat blood at them. "You know something, you're making a big mistake doing this to us". "Wait til Jughead hears what you've done to his friends and you'll be sorry".
Cheryl and Reggie laughed. "I don't think he'll care about a wanna be Serpent princess and her Serpent trash". "He's with Betty, one of us". “You use to be one of us, what happen”?
“I found a guy that could keep me happy”. You smirked at Reggie, Cheryl giggled at how Reggie was steaming mad.
Sweet Pea, bit his lower lip seductively, he was the guy and he knew it.
“Stop it Cheryl”. Reggie was pissed off.
“What, you’re so cute when you’re mad”. She pinched his cheeks.
You were getting sick of the lovey dovey crap that was Cheryl and Reggie, so you did something to Cheryl that you knew would tick her off. Soon you’ll regret it.
"Hey Cheryl how do you like being second place"? She growled at you.
"Oh he didn't tell you that he asked me out first and I told him to fuck off". Cheryl looked at Reggie like she was ready to kill him.
"Well aren't you a naughty boy Reggie". You had a evil laugh, making Reggie and Cheryl step back. Sweet Pea began to laugh too.
"Shut up both of you"! Cheryl screeched, grabbing a poker out of the fire, coming closer to you.
"What the hell are you doing bitch"? You tried kicking at her but Bull Dogs held you down.
"Get her arm, if she wants to date a Serpent, she can belong to them forever". Reggie held your arm as Cheryl seared a snake into your wrist. Making your scream out and wishing that you were died. Sweet Pea kicked himself for not being about to help you all he could do was watch, he didnt want to do that so he closed his eyes. The only thing he could hear was your screams and pleading for them to stop, the smell of burning flesh filled his nose, making his stomach turn.
Then everything went silent, he looked up and you were on the floor, sobbing. All he wanted to do was to get to you, so he struggled and pulled until one of the chains loosen enough to get out. While everyone was watching you, he came up behind Cheryl, wrapping his arm around her throat. "Listen you Bull Dog fucks, you let her go and I'll let your precious Cheryl go". Sweet Pea took out his knife, ready if anyone tried anything to ruin his plan to save you.
"You wouldn't do it" Reggie taunted him. "You don't have the balls". He grabbed at his crotch.
The grip on Cheryls throat became more tight, she tried clawing and beating on his arm but he never released. Reggie became scared that if she got hurt then her family would come after him, so he did the only thing he could do.
"Bull Dogs out, let her go and we will leave you alone". He said as he backed out of the building.
Sweet Pea didnt release Cheryl until he got to the door and he slung her out slamming the door and locking the inside. Making sure on one could get in.
He rushed over to you, scooping you up, taking a long look to see if you were still breathing. "Y/N I'm so sorry, I didn't think they would go this far and hurt you, me yes but not you". He has tears running down his face.
Your voice was quit from the screaming and sobbing. "Just get me out of here".
With that Sweet Pea, looked out the window making sure they were gone, unlocked and bolted out the door. It had started raining as he ran to Jugheads trailer. Knocking on the door, Jughead and FP were home, Jughead had just got back from the dance with Betty.
"Can we come in, she got attacked by Reggie and Cheryl". Sweet Pea whimpered, still carrying you, dripping wet.
Jughead pulled you both in and lead you to his bed, Sweet Pea carefully place you down. Moving your hair out of your face, giving you a soft kiss to your forehead.
He walked out with Jughead and FP, leaving you alone to sob and look at your arm.
"What the hell happen, you look pretty bad yourself Pea"? FP handed Sweet Pea a rag to clean himself up.
"Reggie and his goons jumped me as I was leaving to get Y/N, took me to some building". He said as he wiped blood from his lip.
"Why they jump Y/N"? Betty asked.
"Cause she's hanging out with me and the other Serpents, they uh Cheryl branded her with a snake iron on her wrist while Reggie held her done". Betty covered her mouth with shook, FP and Jughead had a raging pissed off face.
"She said if she wanted to date one of us, she can belong to us forever". Sweet Pea quickly wiped the tear away that was trying to escape.
"Damn it". FP kicked over the table.
"I tried to help but I was chained up and I couldn't get to them". "I blame myself for this".
"Don't, it's not your fault these Northsiders think they can control everyone, if someone steps out of line they get branded a Serpent slut". Betty quoted. They all looked at her with a questionable look.
"Literally". Your voice boomed through the tralior, making everyone look at you. Sweet Pea came to your side, helping you to the couch.
"You should be laying down". Jughead rubbed the back of his head.
"No, I should be out there getting revenge on Cheryl while Sweet Pea gets Reggie". You smirked at Sweet Pea, he had a smile on his face, nodding in agreement.
"Don't get to crazy Y/N, we need you to be calm". "We have to settle this the right way".
"How's that, we were kidnapped, tortured and branded by two preppy high schoolers acting like their fucking gangsters". You informed them.
"Lets just get you cleaned up and we'll think of something okay". Betty lead you to the bathroom.
Jughead gave you some clothes since yours are wet and bloody. They didn't fit but they were comfy and dry. You bandaged up your wrist and looked at the mirror one last time before coming out of the bedroom to see Fangs and Toni sitting on the couch.
"Hey, you alright"? Sweet Pea asked.
"Yeah, better now". You said putting your hair in a messy bun.
"So what are we going to do, cause I want justice and sitting on our asses is not working for me".
"We can't find Cheryl, she's gone and Reggie is surrounded by Bull Dogs". Fangs spoke up.
"Then lets go kick some Bull Dog ass, who's with me"?
Everyone raised their hands, Sweet Pea wrapped his arm around you and brought you close to him.
"I didn't get the chance to tell you that you looked very pretty tonight in that dress, I know you went through a lot of trouble looking nice for the dance and I messed it up".
"Hey I chose you, I want you". You kissed his lips.
"But I think you look even more beautiful right now".
"I'm in Jugs clothes and all bruised".
"I know, but you're going to kick some ass, I think thats sexy". His sexy smirk making you blush.
#sweet pea southside#sweet pea serpent#sweet pea imagine#sweet pea x reader#southside serpents#riverdale sweet pea#riverdale imagines#riverdale serpents#riverdale#riverdales sweet pea#sweet pea serpents#sweet pea serpent king#jughead jones#fp jones#betty cooper#happys-crazy-queen22
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