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weirdo-with-a-nametag · 3 years

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Brain is tv static with random frames interspersed

Think I'm like. Really stressed and jumping between topics to try and find something that helps / feels good

Topics:

Anyone know a good health tracking app for adhd people? I want one that like pops up when you open your phone, maybe? But is unobtrusive. Like maybe you just rate your mood or whatever when you open your phone, and it closes, and you go about your business. I just hate every app and paper method I've tried but really want to track some stuff

Pigeon. ? Pigeon as pet?

Service animals re: cats, pigeons, my cat specifically, and then also ESAs and also what to use as treats while training my cat (he's pretty happy to learn behaviors with praise and pets as reinforcement, but treats would make everything move much faster, but I haven't found something I want to give him so we've just been y'know. Chillin)

Service animals re: what tasks can my pet potentially do that would help me? I don't really know a lot about service animals and there is a Huge range. If anyone has suggestions, or places to read about it, I'd appreciate it! Mostly thinking they may help with anxiety, sensory, and mobility/fatigue related stuff. Not much of a need for medical alerts.

Bioactive enclosures for my snakes, need to research their biomes and make progress on designs and equipment specifications

Also. Hit a seriously hard patch and haven't been handling them much at all this month so that's not great

Casting stuff. Saw jewelry today made of metal casts of claws, skulls, etc, and they were really well done and made me want to do that

Some taxidermy / vulture culture stuff I won't get into right now

Puzzles????

How to organize my room

Need a shower

Need to organize bathroom

So Much Schoolwork

Uhhhhh trying, but not making much headway, to figure out how I want to do my music collection. Also really need to clean my records..

Make?

Food??? Ew.

Dental hygiene ://

Plampts. So many. Houseplants need maintenance, many need repotting. Keep taking in people's problem plants and like, they're doing better, largely, after being trimmed and watered and whatnot, but need repotting. Also need to trim some aquarium plants.

Also need to put water in tanks. And spray nepenthes.

Laundry.

Gotta pick up trash in my room. There's so much. Everywhere. Why.

Schoolwork. I'm so behind. So, so stuck. Kind of feel like I'm dying.

Going on a picnic tomorrow. Have to figure out what still needs doing for that, probably need to go to the store.

Leo needs water. I'm so....ugh, I'm trying so hard, but it feels impossible. I do my best to take good care of my pets, and I think they live pretty good lives most of the time, but sometimes I get like This and completely drop off the face of the earth and then like, wake up or whatever and two weeks have passed by and I have not cleaned a water bowl! That's a serious problem!!!! I do not know how to combat that, really, besides more reminders. Having someone around who is willing to like, help, when things are especially hard, would be great, but I don't live with my partner right now and do not feel like I can ask anyone here for that. But I can't put my animals at risk. I check on them every day, and if their bowls are dirty I do take them out and clean them, but sometimes (like now) i cannot get myself to do it without a pressure like a dirty bowl, or a feeding day. And like, it's really important that they have clean water. I'm talking to myself here but like, if anyone has advice. Please. With the tank redesigns and upgrades, the bowls will be more accessible, which will help because one of them is very heavy at the angle I have to pick it up, and another requires moving a lot of branches and is best to take out while the snake is out (this is Leo) which is fine because I love my boy, but adds time to the process, and makes it harder to start, you know? Maybe if I just got more bowls - I could take the bowl out and immediately replace it, fill the new one, and replace the decor and snake, and then clean the bowl as a separate task? That would be easier for my brain. Currently I have a Specific bowl I prefer to use for each tank, and then everything else is Just In Case, but I mean. Acquiring extras is something I want to do anyway, and it may help with several problems, so. Yeah. I'll try that. But also, any other ideas, guys?

Anxiety: can't stop picking at my face, skin, nails, cuticles, scalp, pretty much everywhere with callouses, also scratched a mole off my face, which is something I've been trying Not to do for a while, so that's...not great. Can't find my earmuffs, and also all of my headphones are painful? Ears are really sensitive lately.

Been playing a lot of Moth Game (flutter: starlight if you wanna be friends say hey I don't know how to do it but would enjoy talking about moths if nothing else. The game is just like, an idle ish collecting game with cutesy versions of different species, and very little actual information, but it's still fun, and if anyone else is on there and also Into Moths like I am, hiiiii) and like it's fun and cute but also greatly impacting my productivity, and raises my stress levels during events, which is most days, so the game has. Not been helping. But I can't stop because then I'll miss Exclusive Moths.

Anyway. Had baklava and two mugs of Thai tea today and the sugar has made me nauseous.

Trying to journal. Hurts to write. Also takes too long. Also my handwriting is very bad. But typing is..not as good

Want to draw. Thinking about drawing cats

Plants again! Want to make seed bombs, have seeds, have most of the other ingredients, just need to put em together, basically.

Really sad :(

Or am I?

Weird noise coming from dining room?

Birds. Spent half an hour at least on the deck tonight listening to a hundred different bird calls (literally) to identify one I was hearing, it was a pine siskin, which I checked early on but the recording was bad and I didn't realize which call was identified. Anyway, cool to put a name to a face, so to speak.

Need to practice for ASL

So much.....to do...

Only had like >3 hours of work this week which was not great because money, but also like I'm really feeling those 3 hours....

My cat is basically refusing to come into my room? Which is very strange and I'm worried something is Off but cannot figure out what. Also means less cuddles which means I'm sad.

It feels strange whenever people follow me, the attention is nice but I have no idea what content y'all are here for. So to everyone: hi, enjoy, hope my random personal posts aren't a surprise to anyone who followed for like. News reblogs and informational stuff.

Do I even have it in me to..be successful in school? Should I drop out of college? I'm struggling really hard and do not feel like I'm building on the skills I need to continue, so like. Uh.

My dad is being. Abrasive.

Mom and grandma are very angry lately

Housemate is also angry, about things i thought we were on good terms about, so I am stressed because like,, are we okay?

Can't find my eye mask :(

Yoga? Like...restorative yoga? Need to track down my PT stuff. And. Do it.

Need to put the stickers on my license plates....oops...

Still haven't found my antidepressants! Yay!

Do I want to store my stuff in open bins, or with lids? Which stuff needs spill protection and stacking capability and which stuff needs easy access?

How to earn money without..chaos

Gotta go to the pet store tomorrow. Have to compile my list of pet store items i need. Uhhhhhhhhhh

Also I have an essay due tomorrow that I've barely started. So. Wooooooo

Kt tape for supporting arches / inner ankles? I keep messing up my ankles, and part of it is walking wrong because I don't have the energy to engage the muscles in my feet/legs right to like, avoid injury, and part of it is I just need new shoes inserts. But i wear slippers a lot and they do not have arch support and it hurts. PT to help with this also but Where Is It

Family can't seem to get dish soap I can use, so I've just been having to avoid washing anything by hand, or being in the general kitchen area while anyone uses the stuff, which has led to more of my dishes sitting out, and more conflict over dishes. Lovely.

How hard is it for parents to learn they have to respect boundaries? Very hard, apparently. And you're supposed to just sort of remind people, and explain, over and over and over but like at this point my self worth is actually pretty good and the lifetime of proof that they do not want to listen? That's making me want to stop trying. Like, if you're not going to respect my boundaries I'm just not going to involve you in my life. I'm not talking to my dad right now because of this. Maybe I'll decide to lay things out to him, again and again and again again, maybe not. And I'm comfortable saying that's on him.

How to drink water

Am I dehydrated or are my hands just completely callous now. My fingertips have such hard skin. Why? It's uncomfortable. This is part of why I've been biting them.

Also testosterone. Been having a lot of trouble doing my shots, because anxiety and physical freakouts, but also not feeling super urgent about it. Which I'm realizing may be a sign i need to look at the effects so far and the possible effects of continuing, and see what they make me feel. It's possible I'm where I want to be as far as T, and don't really want to stay on it. A big thing for me is a deeper voice, so it seems time to take a look at whether I like my voice where it is or want to see if it'll drop any more. Etc etc

Miss my lil sisters

Saw a lot of cool rocks today. Huge (like hand sized) ammonite for $28. May go back and buy one because. Wow.

Want to plant food plants

Also my natives. Whole garden plot standing empty with a bunch of stuff waiting in nursery pots, needing to go in the ground. Because I can't get out of bed. Love that. Stuff is dying out there, I'm dying in here, there's a poetry to it and I do not want to romanticize suffering so I will say this: I brought a Bucket full of moss home a month ago and planted it and now go outside sometimes to drench my moss and it is very rewarding because the stuff is just so green. Incredible. When the rest of my plants are finally in the ground, that feeling will only intensify. But, for now, the moss is very nice.

Made a glow in the dark bead lizard from memory during therapy yesterday, and I love him. Also, still struggling with bringing up autism and psychosis topics with my therapist. Still very worried about. Things. Would like to get a new person? But sometimes she is helpful? And we have a routine. It's very hard to break the routine. Maybe I can set some time aside during the summer, to figure out what to do there.

Term ends in a couple weeks. The task of catching up, of passing, seems impossible. I really need to pass my courses. I'm on academic warning, because my GPA is lower than it should be, and if I can pass all of my classes this term I can get off academic warning but otherwise I'm not sure what will happen to my financial aid.

My phone is playing the same 50-100 songs on shuffle and I don't even particularly like most of them and it is very strange

Got my face wipes! Hooray, i can wash my face again

Been eating too much sugar in general. It's making my joints hurt more, and the nausea

Pet a dog the other day. I miss that. It would be really nice to have a dog in the house again. The exuberance, the cuddles, the tail wagging, the walks... I'd really like that. Maybe once I'm out in my room, tanks and catio built and everyone is situated, I'll look into getting a dog instead of a cat next. Was planning on holding off in case I'm not physically able to take them out on walks and such, but I've been pretty successful at doing this job, and I think that my main hurdle for walking really is motivation. Dog walking is a strong motivator for me. Best to start by fostering, or just do Wag, for a while though. I'm feeling overwhelmed with my current responsibilities, and here I am talking about getting a dog. Good job, me

How do you get wax off of somewhat water soluble rocks? My housemate broke my lava lamp on some of my rock collection and I am not sure how to get some of them clean without damage.

I am...pretty sure there are collared doves nesting over my room but it seems they're less common around here than I thought? But they are..pretty distinctive. Like if I'm wrong, what are those birds. Some very distinctly colored feral pigeons? Who are nesting here, in a tree, without their flock, and who happen to have pretty much the exact same pattern?

Probably should go to the dollar store and get some bins for organizing

Been wanting to keep a bin by the door and stock it with stim/fidget stuff people can just .have ..like extras of some of my favorites and other things i can get ahold of, to offer to my friends who haven't really had the chance to explore the world of stim toys

Hands are really just not doing great the last several weeks. Arthritis type pain cropping up more and more in all the little joints, making it hurt more to write, type, or just use them for whatever. Coordination isn't great because of that distraction, and because my hands/arms are slow to respond and kinda weak. Most people would say I'm not using them enough but I've been doing 15ish hours of manual labor per week, so maybe it's the other direction? More water would help. If only it wasn't so heavy.

I haven't taken a single shower since I started my job. Which was March 29th. That's not great.

Practiced parallel parking today. 10/10 still very bad at it.

Having anxiety that my friends think I'm lying about things, faking, and are watching me to see if I'll slip up. So that sucks. Can either talk about that directly or indirectly, or just shut up about those things until I can get my brain under control again. I'm not sure right now if the reassurance would work as a reality check or make me believe it more, right now, so might hold off on the talking bit for a little while.

Saw, smelled, picked a couple pretty roses. Good times

At this point I'm just trying to list all my thoughts so that maybe I'll be able to sleep and not worry I'll forget

My mom has put her spider plant on the deck, and it has maybe five living leaves. I have no idea how she killed such a well established spider plant, the last time I saw it it was so happy. Did she stick it in a corner and forget to water it? Whatever happened, it is now in the Plant ER, so hopefully I'll be able to...help get it on the up and up again

Leo is such a pretty noodle. He's so pretty. He's posing. Hi, baby boy.

Oh, he saw me moving around and decided to come say hi. Sorry little man, i did not mean to disturb you. Please resume lounging. I can't bring you out right now, I'm trying to sleep.

Also, terrariums. Water features. Need to ask. Someone. The one who was making that super cool garter snake enclosure and blogging the progress? With the lazy river and pool? About maintenance on that kind of setup. My milk snake really enjoys water, and I'd love to put a water feature in his tank. But I'm unclear on how to keep it clean, or honestly where to start. Don't want any huge falls or anything, though it actually may not make the humidity too high if I did maybe a small drip wall into the pool? That seems like something he would enjoy, and a good way to support different types of plants. But like, that's the thing, it's bioactive and I haven't done that before and no amount of research is ever enough.

Oh, Shogun has a dirt hat. How cute. I love when they do that

See, this is the thing. My snakes make me so happy. All three of them are actually hanging out where I can see them from my bed right now, and it's really nice. I want their lives to be the best possible, and I think I have the resources to do that. Which is so exciting. Now if only my brain and body would cooperate. It would hurt quite a lot to have to re-home any of them, but the most important thing is their health and quality of life, you know? If I can't get my act together somewhat, it may be that one or all of them would be better off with another keeper. I don't know. It's just, i talk about all these tank ideas and all this husbandry standards stuff but how much of it actually gets applied to my own animals whose lives are in my hands? How well am I caring for them, really?

Oh!!! My red thread! I thought that was gone forever.

Anyway, please do not worry. My snakes are healthy. I pay attention, and watch for signs of illness, and they're okay. There will always be places to improve, and the water is a big one, but most of the time i change their water out frequently, I'm just worried because of bad depression and fatigue times, you know? I'm working on making the most self sustaining systems i can, in part so that I am sure they'll be okay if I mess up sometimes. Just saying this because I hope you guys don't feel like you need to worry about the welfare of my pets. They're okay, i just always want better for them, is all.

Anyway, the sun is coming up and I should probably go to sleep. So uh, thanks for reading, if you read all of this randomness, and if anyone has thoughts or advice on anything in this post, i would welcome it! Good night!

#mine #long post #snakes #pets #food m #uhhhhhhhhhhhh whatever else needs tagging

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itsa-lie · 3 years

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The “Death” Of A Liar [Epilogue of Birth Of A Liar]

A epilogue of that headcanon I wrote for Kokichi. You can read all five parts here. Will contain spoilers so read at your own risk! Trigger Warning: death, poisoning, needles, and a mention of a certain death in game.

There it was...

The Hydraulic crusher comes closer to his face. It was slow, painfully so. The pain in his body was unbearable. The poison was going through his body at an accelerating rate. Kokichi slowly turn his head to the side to see Kaito. His face was a literal mess. His face was full of tears, red and puffy, nose running like a faucet of snot. Oh jeez...if he wasn’t so in pain he’d make fun of this big hero guy bawling like a baby. Though he could only give a smile to him. And a small pained chuckle.

“C-C’mon Kaito, you’re the hero guy, right? You’re about to defeat the baddest villain ever. You shouldn’t be crying. Ya...ya..big baby...”

Kaito glares back to the boy laying shirtless on his back on the press, the tears still not stopping. “You idiot! Biggest bad villain?! J-Jeez! You’re doing this to stop the Mastermind! This was all your plan! Don’t...don’t say you’re a villian, alright? You’ve done some stupid things but...”

Kokichi cut the purple haired teen off with a weak “nee-hee-hee” as he turns his head back to the slowly descending iron. “You always were an idiot...” Kaito slams his fist on the control panel angrily, still filled with sorrow. “I am NOT an idiot!” Kokichi laughs again, the press only a few feet from his face. “You’re too trusting...I mean...you’re trusting me right? ....thank you for that...even if it is an idiotic decision...but hey....maybe I’m an idiot too right? I am trying to stop this horrible game.” Kokichi’s breathing gets shallow, each breath was an exhausting experience now. Even if it hurt horribly, Kokichi smiles.

“It’s like those movies, yeah? A hero and their side-kick try to beat the super villain, the villain causes so much trouble for a few more movies, then finally after a big climatic battle the hero finally defeats the villain.” The press was only a few inches from his face now, he couldn’t turn back to see Kaito without being even more in pain than he already was. Not to mention his constant wheezing from Maki’s poison made it hard for him to even talk. He had to hurry this up.

“I’m...not the final villain, you hero guys still gotta...find them but...but at least...I wasn’t boring...right?”

--------------------------------------------------------------------

“SIMULATION TERMINATED. EJECTING...EJECTING...”

The horrible pain of getting every sort of bone crushed in your body suddenly halted as a robotic voice echoed in the air. There were sounds of machinery opening and whirling, yet everything was still so dark, so odd...

What felt like a cool breeze hit Kokichi’s face as he could feel some sort of apparatuses snap off or out of his body. And then he fell face first into a tiled floor. A cold, unforgiving, tiled floor. Grunting, Kokichi sits up and rubs his nose from the fall. ...wait...everything didn’t feel like a pancake...was he...alive? Should he dare open his eyes? Okay...on the count of three...one....two...three! His eyes wandered to his hands, both looking normal, except he was in some sort of different clothes. They looked familiar, but kinda boring. Oh God this was hell wasn’t it? Only the Devil himself would have everyone in such boring school uniforms. Kokichi missed his DICE outfit but hey, no one cared about him anyway so maybe hell was where he deserved to be. He wasn’t complaining. But if it was hell, where was the fire? Or the demons? Or the Devil and his pitchfork?

But the only place he saw was a white room. A white room full off odd sci-fy like pods. Some pods were empty, but others did have people inside them. They happened to look a lot like the surviving classmates, one of which seemed to be tossing and turning wildly.

“Kaito?”

That was Kaito alright...only he wasn��t wearing his usual jacket and tee shirt, he seemed to be wearing a drab school outfit as well. Wait...how did he get to hell? This guy was Mister Perfect! Why would he end up in a place that bad guys go to if he’s the hero? Maybe he should have a talk with God and get Him to reconsider. That was...if he could get out of this room! But what was this weird pod everyone was in? Was he in one as well? Upon turning around there was indeed a pod just like everyone else had. The inside had a soft plush interior as well as a weird white halo-like contraption at the front. There also seemed to be tubes and needles that were on the side. Wait...what did the tube go to-never mind, he looked in and regretted it. It was apparently attached to a catheter bag...okay new idea, no more trying to explore weird tubes and stuff.

However a noise coming from the other side of the room caught his attention. A girl had come in. She looks exhausted, her breathing fast and rapid, her face as red as an apple from exertion. Short brown hair framed her face and she wore a very fancy middle school uniform. Honestly she looked familiar but for some reason Kokichi couldn’t figure out who she was. “Kokichi! I ran here as soon as I saw and-”

“Finally! Satan! I’ve been waiting for you. Ya know, I really wasn’t expecting you to be a little girl, I thought you’d be a bit intimidating or somethi-”

Before he could finish that statement the girl slapped him hard making him stumble back holding his hand to his face. The girl looked angry as hell.

“I saw everything! What was wrong with you? You called out that Kaede girl, and that poor bug man, and-and-and-well you did so much I don’t even want to think of it!” She was shaking with rage. Was this girl just a fan of the show? No...she might have been but if this was just some random passerby saying these words to him he wouldn’t care. But for some reason coming from...whoever this is...it made him feel extreme guilt? But just like always...Kokichi hides his real emotions behind a blank stare.

The girl stopped her ranting and looked up at Kokichi, her eyes still watering. “Don’t you...remember me?”

A blank face, a white lie, a half-truth.

“Nope. Not at all.”

This answer got the girl more upset as she began to sob. “You don’t remember me, do you?” She rummages through her back pocket as she pulls out a poorly drawn clown mask and places it on her face. And for the first time...Kokichi was at a loss for words. That mask was important! Yeah, in his memory he remembered it looking much better but this was DICE’s logo! Their uniform! All of the members had one. However he couldn’t get himself to say anything! Say something! Say anything, stupid!

“I knew it...” The girl places her mask back. “I’m Hanako! The person you promised to take care of DICE if you were ever gone! And now you betrayed everything our organization ever stood for by acting like a mean selfish brat! And not only that!” She stares daggers at the pod containing what appears to be a sleeping Maki. “Big sister tried to kill you! I don’t know what happened in this game but it’s like I don’t even know who you two are anymore! You’re like two evil strangers!” Before she could go on her rant, two policemen had entered from an unseen stairway. Come to think of it that was probably how Hanako got in.

“Only Crew-members and participants are allowed through this point, little girl.” One says grabbing the girl’s arm. “Ah, her uniform. She must be from that fancy shmancy all girls orphanage not too far from here. According to my records she escapes a lot.”

“Let me go! I-I have to go back to DICE! I hate that orphanage!” Hanako tries to struggle out of the man’s grip but to no avail.

“Wait just a second, fatso! I was talking to her!” Kokichi demands. This girl was being forced back to a place against her will and even if he was the Ultimate Supreme Leader Of Evil, he definitely wasn’t going to sit back and watch these two bully her! Not only that, this girl had information on DICE, maybe she knows the truth. “Shuddup pipsqueak. You got what you deserved.” One cop completely discarded him.

“Wait, what happened? Did the little grape kid kill anyone directly yet? Shit did I miss his execution?”

“Almost. Seems he tried to kill that Kaito guy under a giant press but then suddenly outta nowhere the complete opposite happens an’ Kaito is alive an’ the supreme leader is squashed like a grape!”

“Shoot! I missed it! Did they record the squashin’?”

“No but you know, they do show his body...or what’s left of it anyways. Plus they do a whole play-by-play anyway with a reenactment of what happened. Sadly I think they’re gonna execute the Kaito kid next...”

“A shame, but at least he’ll go out as a hero, right?”

Kaito...execution...he knew this would happen...and he didn’t really want it to. Hell...after seeing so many of his friends die Kokichi was willing to go through an execution as well out of extreme guilt for not finishing this “destroy Daganronpa” plan quick enough! But at least Kaito will die as a hero, and he’ll most likely die of his disease before Monokuma could really kill him. The thought of that bear being frustrated with that filled Kokichi with so much joy. He smiles a little, only to be pushed away like trash by the cops as they take the girl back up.

“.........”

That’s right...he was the “mastemind”. The guy who kept causing trouble for everyone in the game. The bad guy. The antagonist. That’s what he was now...to the world, to Maki, to Hanako, and most likely to DICE themselves. Whoever Kokichi Ouma was before the Killing Game was gone. Everyone forgot that version, even Kokichi himself...no one would want him around anymore. So it was settled. He won’t go back to his orphanage...he won’t go back to DICE, they tore down their headquarters anyway. He was going to hide away. He’s been doing that for years now and he was good at it. Why stop now? With his blank stare which hid tons and tons of pain, he made his way up the stairs to start his new life who knows where.

---------------------------------------

“Will that be for here or to go?”

“Uhhhh....I think I’ll take it to go. Oh, can I get some extra ketchup?”

“Sure. Alright m’am. Have a happity-happy day.”

God he hated saying that, but he had to. It’s part of Happity Burger’s policy. The woman had to double take looking at him too. No doubt she recognizes him. Shit.

Good thing he was on his break. His manager was apparently not into television shows so he didn’t mind hiring him, though still he hid his name-tag or borrowed a co-workers anytime he needed one for the uniform. Yeah flipping burgers and singing that same stupid happy birthday song to some kid who was this close to barfing on you wasn’t a glorious life but...hey it was a way to get by. Once you get through the stares that is.

And people stared.

A lot.

Ugh.

It was during his break that he got a text from an unknown number. Kokichi slightly looked at his phone to see who it was.

Unknown: Hello? Unknown: Do I have the right number?

Who would even text him besides his boss? He rolls his eyes and goes back to looking at memes trying to get a chuckle out of his depressing life. He looks around to see more people looking at him. Tch..he turn around to the window in the booth he was sitting at, ignoring the trash and spills on the table from the family who ate here before.

Ding!

Unknown: Kokichi Ouma?

Okay that surprised him for a second. Hardly anyone knew his name because he wouldn’t tell it, so how the hell would they know?

You: Sorry, wrong number.

Well he was a liar after all. According to his phone he had only a few minutes of break time left before the lunch rush comes in. He cursed to himself and cleaned up the table he was sitting at. As he did he thought about all of his friends...not all his memories had come back...though some came back quicker than others. He did remember the Killing Game participants vividly though. Kaede, Shuichi, Kiiboy, Kaito,...Maki. Actually now that he’s older and an adult now he holds no ill will towards Maki. The fact that girl...whoever she was...remembered both him and her meant something. He still hasn’t figured that out. But that Kokichi Ouma was dead. Crushed by a Hydraulic press much to the delight of an entire audience of strangers. Shuichi was right.

He was always going to be alone.

And he was used to it. There was nothing he could do about it. The universe hated him. And honestly...he hated himself too.

Another ding. What do they want now?

Unknown: Yep. It’s you alright. It’s been five or six years, hasn’t it? Meet me outside after work, I want to talk to you.

#kokichi ouma #kokichi oma #kokichi headcanons #ndrv3 #drv3

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phoenotopia · 4 years

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2020 March Update

Happy New Year! Well, I guess it's a bit late for that...

Much of what transpired in the past few months will fall under polish and bug-fixing. Will and I have a mutual friend who got married, so I had the occasion to visit Will to attend the wedding as well as have Will playtest the game in its most complete form yet. He logged 24 hours of playtime and just reached the entrance of the final dungeon. Then we had to call in for the night since it was 5 AM, and I had a flight to catch in the morning.

His completion rate where we stopped was 42% of Heart Pieces, 33% of Energy Gems, and 44% of Moonstones. So... I think we have a pretty lengthy game!

This will take a while to playtest & polish... Will's daytime profession is QA Engineer so he's pretty great at catching bugs. From his playtest, we jotted down 200+ items to fix/adjust. Some as small as a simple misspelling, and some more significant (like Gail being unable to jump when standing at the edge of a steep slope). I'm about half-way through fixing that list...

(Will’s living room where much playtesting was done)

Here are some other things we've accomplished in the past few months. A lot of it falls under polish and bug-fixing, which won't sound outwardly impressive, so I'll dive in a bit under the hood.

-------------------------- Item Balancing --------------------------

There are over 200 items in the game. Of which, 90+ are healing items. While much of their flavor text was already written, their stats weren't yet finally decided. So a large effort was spent to balance them as well as possible. Initially, I balanced items by observation (ex: "The player is relying on this item a lot, so I will nerf it...") Now, I've moved to a more systematic way of doing things. I made an equation that takes in all of an item's parameters, and spits out a score. The higher an item heals, the higher the score. The longer an item takes to consume, the lower the score. And so forth.

As usual, I used google spreadsheets, since they support equations. I could tweak the values of a healing item, and immediately see how its final score was affected. I also made use of automatic color formatting, so a field becomes highlighted red, if it's particularly bad, or green, if it's particularly good. Of course, the sheet is just a guideline. The aim wasn't to make all items have the same final score, but that they made sense for what they were and when you could get them. Late-game items tend to have higher overall scores versus early-game items. Some items, like doggy biscuits, have notoriously low scores across the board - as a joke!

-------------------------- Cooking Systems --------------------------

Another thing that had to be done with the healing items was finally determine their cooking sequences. 38 healing items could be cooked and will transform into something else. The way I specified that an item could be cooked was to add a a little snippet to an item's "meta data". An example would look something like, "COOK,57,62,ABXY,10,1.5,1".

In order, this specified the item_ID that would result on success (57), the item_ID that would result on failure (62), the button sequence (ABXY), the time you had to complete the sequence (10 seconds), how quickly the cursor should move (1.5x speed), and if the item multiplied on success (1). The system appears simple enough - but it was actually extremely inefficient!

For one, this system didn't allow random button sequences - all "berry fruits", when cooked would have the same button prompts and in the same order every time (ABXY). Initially, I thought having set button sequences would be a feature, but in practice, it was less fun.

Two, this system wasn't human-readable at all. I'd see a sequence of numbers, forget what they were, and have to look them up over and over.

But the biggest problem was that you couldn't evaluate an item's cooking difficulty from these numbers without manual testing. At 1.5 cursor speed, how many times does the cursor pass the center panel in 10 seconds? Maybe that's 15 times... for a 4 button sequence, the player has 11 opportunities to miss - that's too wide a berth for failure. The system also had variable penalties - if you misspressed a button prompt you loss time on the cooking meter. If you didn't press anything, you missed the opportunity, but not the time - but the clock was still ticking, so you did lose time, just not as much. In the end, the difficulty of cooking each item was all over the place. It was also possible to create "unwinnable" scenarios if I made the button sequence too long, the time too short, or the cursor speed too slow. Testing each item manually to ensure doability was too tedious and unreliable - it was a mess!

Which is why, the underlying cooking system was revamped. The new meta data looks like : "COOK,57,62,seq_length,5,spd,1.5,ease_add,2". This is a lot more readable. Beyond the first 3 entries, the arguments could be specified in any order. And their meanings were easy to understand.

"seq_length,5" means a random button sequence of 5 will be generated (no need for me to personally generate it)

"spd,1.5" means the cursor moves at 1.5x speed. I could also leave this field out to get a default value of 1x cursor speed.

"ease_add,2" - the biggest improvement to the system is how we now approach difficulty. We streamlined a miss-press and a missed opportunity as the same level of "mistake", and difficulty is framed as, "how many mistakes is the player allowed to make and still have a successful result?" By default, the player is afforded the ability to make 2 mistakes, and "ease_add,2" bumps the number of allowable mistakes to 4. We then automatically calculate how much "time" the player should have to cook something based on its cursor speed, how long the button sequence is, and how many mistakes the player is allowed to make. This was a more sensible and efficient system that let me knock out all 38 healing item cook sequences in one sitting!

-------------------------- Badges Nearly Done --------------------------

As you may recall from the last update, I was working on implementing the badges.

Thinking up the badge and having its graphic drawn is just the first half. Underneath, the code also needs to be made to track all the relevant player stats - how many times the player fished, ate, got money, used a certain move, etc. Some badges require extra guards, because they can be spoofed. For instance, the "Treasure Hunter" badge is obtained when the player has collected XXXX RIN through the course of your journey. However, there is something like a "gold exchange" in the game, where you could circularly trade gold and RIN to boost this number artificially. It's important to guard against cases like those.

So far, 30 of 33 badges are implemented. The last three have to do with late-game things that have inter-dependencies that we're still figuring out. The Speed running badge for instance is still dependent on two things. One, I need to speed run the game a few times to see how fast it's possible to beat the game and decide finally what's a reasonable time-limit. Two, there's actually a time-keeping bug which can inflate the game time if the system is left in sleep mode. I don't expect either things will be too hard to figure out - just gotta find the time for it.

-------------------------- Script Extra Polished --------------------------

We continued to polish the script, which I thought was basically done before. We added some extra NPCs here and there, and fleshed out the world with lore text where it seemed appropriate. In the end, the game's script ballooned to over 100,000 words! Hah... It's definitely DONE now however!

Some interesting things I noted as I was polishing old text - there were quite a few instances where Gail talks. I began the game's development with the idea that Gail should definitely talk since I wanted her to be a more active participant in what she chose to do. But I discovered later that if Gail talks, but only talked a little, she comes off as a very reticent person. There's no middle lane here - you're either all in or all out.

If Gail was a silent protagonist, she still talked symbolically. She is understood to be talking based on how people react to her - kinda like Link. So that's the direction I went with in the end (again). When Gail has occasion to talk, it comes in the form of a player dialogue choice. She also has an inner voice when she needs to remind the player to do something.

Another reason I went with this direction, is for brevity. Take this exchange for instance: QUEST GIVER : Can you help me find this super rare ingredient? GAIL : Maybe. I can't make any promises...

If Gail is silent, I can reduce those 2 lines to 1. QUEST GIVER : Can you help me find this super rare ingredient? GAIL : ...

-------------------------- Business Taxes --------------------------

Not too exciting, but new year means I gotta do taxes for the business. They're a lot more complicated than personal taxes, and more expensive! Since the game hasn't sold anything, you would think there'd be nothing to file. Hah! If only... The business is there so we can act as a legal entity and record expenses for when we do start selling. I really want to focus on making games, but there’s a small percentage of it that is sometimes boring and dreadful (-_-) ... still it needs to be done.

------------- Why no Public Beta Testing? -------------

As you may have noticed, I haven't put out any public calls for testing help despite being at that stage. Some have offered to help, which I appreciate! But sadly, I cannot accept. Here's the story for that.

Two and a half years ago, I got my hands on a console dev kit - that's very exciting, so I hurriedly took the steps to convert my dev station to be console-capable. After about two weeks, I had the console version working and integrated into my workflow, so all appeared good...

4 Months later, an artist needed an updated PC build to test some new art assets, so I went to build a new PC version. We use Unity, so generally you just need to click your desired build target, and hit "build". However, I now discovered that by attaching the console "hooks" into my work environment, I could no longer build to PC... It was possible, from my end, to test the game from the dev station in dev mode, which was why it went undiscovered for so long.

I did try to excise the hooks, but proved unsuccessful after a day of work. I decided to take this as an opportunity to focus exclusively on the console version first, which afforded me some niceties. Knowing that there's a standardized control scheme meant I could make full use of the control stick for the fishing mini-game. I also didn't need to create a rebindable keys menu - which is a MUST for PC versions... Most importantly, it lets me focus on making the one version as good as possible before moving onto the next. I have NO idea how those other guys release on all platforms at once...

Chalk it up to inexperience. In my defense, this will be my first commercial release, so bear with me. Don't worry, I still plan to make the PC version! It's a bit unconventional, but we're just going to go in the reverse direction of the usual. Console first, then PC, then other consoles. Wherever it makes financial sense, there we will be. (Sorry Ouya!)

Back to the original question - that's why I haven't sent out any public calls for playtesting. Current playable builds of the game are locked to my console dev kit. So actual playtesting unfolds in a very closed setting. Like what I did with Will, I literally sit behind the playtester, breathe down their neck, and watch them play, taking notes all the while.

But since I'm observing the player directly, even just one playthrough nets me a TON of bugs and adjustment tasks. So it evens out I think.

-------------------------- Trailers, Release Dates, etc. --------------------------

Alright, get your frowns ready...

We finished two trailers, and they're raring to go. BUT! We can't show them yet... We're sort of at an awkward spot where we're waiting on some conversational threads to conclude. Say we win a slot in a show - that'd be a HUGE plus for us - but that may also be contingent on us having NOT shown anything substantial yet. The game in its unrevealed state is a negotiating chip. So we're trying to leverage that... and you can only do the reveal once...

We also want to have some "actionable" items in the trailer - a launch date you could mark on your calendar, a wishlist, a website you can visit, etc. So since those things aren't entirely lined up yet, we can't let the trailers rip just yet...

Right now, I can only say we're *aiming* for a late Q2/early Q3 launch. But I can't commit to anything concrete yet. As soon as we know, we'll happily sing it from the rooftops. I hope I can update this blog sooner with good news, but if things move slowly again, I'll send out the next "we're alive" update 2 months from now (end of April).

I know it's frustrating to have nothing major after so long still, so I captured some gameplay footage... May it sate your hungers!

-------------------------- Footage 1 : Fishing --------------------------

You've seen pictures of the fishing, but never video of it in action. Well, here it is!

youtube

(And right after I uploaded the video, I noticed there actually was a video of fishing before. D’oh)

The idea is simple. First, get the lure in front of a fish, and assuming the fish isn't scared, it will soon bite. Then begins a fight sequence, where your energy meter is pitted against the fish's energy meter. Whoever's energy outlasts the other's wins.

The fish's resistance is represented by a red moving circular subsection. You fight the fish by pushing the control stick and keeping it on the subsection, which will dart around and try to escape you. Bigger and tougher variants of fish will do a "shake" which will reverse the wheel. When the wheel is reversed, so too are the controls, so it gets extra tricky!

While fishing, your energy meter doesn't recover, so one of the ways you level up your fishing ability is by finding energy gems to increase your max energy. There's another way - but we'll keep that a secret.

-------------- Footage 2 : Kobold Boss Fight --------------

You can actually skip the next section if you'd prefer to be surprised and you find your hunger for info sated. That's how I prefer to consume the games that I know I'm going to get. If you're still hungering for info, and you don't mind the slight spoilers, then feel free to proceed!

The next video shows the new Kobold Boss fight. Let's take a moment to reflect on the old game's visuals and how far it's come...

(we've come a long way since the time of the flash game)

youtube

You'll notice the Kobold boss has a name now - Katash! He's a significant enough character that he's earned it. The second thing you'll notice is that he looks better!

Some people have humorously pointed out that the old boss looks like Wolf O'Donnel from Star Fox. There's a funny story behind that. Basically I asked an artist to draw me a space wolf. And the artist, whom I'm assuming wasn't familiar with Wolf O'Donnel, drew that - all of it - all the animations and everything. The first time I laid eyes on it, it was already done, so it was too late to ask for edits. So I just ran with it.

That was seven years ago. Nowadays, I know to involve myself more in the process. I ask for just the design first, and we don't move forward with animations until we're happy with the design. Life lessons!

By the way, if you like Katash’s personal boss theme, give it a lesson on Will's Sound cloud (LINK)

-------------------------- Fan Arts -------------------------- Lots of fan art came in over the past 3 months!

This one is a pixel animation made by Pimez, and shows Gail singing a Christmas carol in various parts of the game. So cute! Years ago, I too was making little animated gifs for my favorite games, so it really brings me back!

This one was made by cARTographer (twitter link) after a request by Deli_mage, so thank you both. Gail rocking stylish boots with a pose that shows confidence in her batting skills. Very anime - Love it!

Another submission of laptekosz of the Last Song of Earth area. Whereas the last picture depicted the night sky, now the orange trees are lit by a rising sun. Artfully done! Kinda makes me want to eat eggs. I hope you'll like the new Last Song of Earth area just as much :D

A new artist to the scene, Not_Quin, submitted two pictures, one of Gail and one of the Sand Drake re-imagined as a centipede. I'm always a fan of these re-imaginings! I like how it's spiky all over and appears to be wearing a skull mask. The Sand Drake is often pointed out to be too similar to Zelda's Dodongos, so maybe a long slithery body would have indeed served better. Fun fact, long ago, when we were working on Phoenotopia 2 in earnest, we actually had a giant man-eating worm planned - WIP animation depicted below. One day... one day...

Negativus Core made two cool new arts! I'm really impressed by their use of unique perspective! Having characters run towards the screen or reaching close to the screen from afar is tricky since the proportions get all distorted - but not an issue for Negativus Core! Love the blur on Gail to show speed, with 66 in focus - really skillfully done! And the cube. Amazing!

--------------------------

I'm really honored by the huge fan art community. Thank you all!

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softestvirgil · 5 years

Text

Let The Flames Begin

Chapter Four

Summary:

After school Virgil decides to show the group his abilities

Genre: Alternate Universe

Rating: PG

Pairing(s): Side Logicality

Word count: 2155

Warnings: Mentions of injury, yelling, tension, shoulder touching

Let me know if there’s any more I should add!

After explaining everything to Roman’s parents they were more than willing to not only allow Patton to stay with them for a while but also to buy him some new clothes. Roman wasn’t sure why, since his parents were somewhat cold natured, but they really cared about people to their cores.

After getting Patton set up in the guest room, which was right beside Virgil’s room, Virgil decided to sit and talk with the boy for a bit and see how he was doing.

“You alright, Pat?” Virgil asked, standing in Patton’s door-frame.

“Yeah, I think I will be,” Patton replied with a sheepish smile. Then he yawned softly and the two boys said their goodnights.

The next day the trio ate breakfast together at the breakfast bar in the Prince’s large kitchen and Virgil realized this was his first time eating breakfast since he began staying with the Prince’s. If he was honest with himself, he hadn’t eaten much of anything lately. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, but he just got too anxious sometimes, and anxiety made the likelihood of burning the house down a lot higher, so he was obviously going to do whatever it took to eliminate some of it. Even if it meant skipping the most important meal of the day, on occasion.

Today, Denise made pancakes. She wasn’t the best cook, but Virgil figured she was pretty close to it. The batter was super sweet and the cakes ended up being really fluffy and moist. Pair that with fresh fruit on top and that made for an amazing taste.

“Awesome pancakes, Mrs. Prince,” Patton complimented, while his mouth was still full of food.

“Thank you, Patton. Please, call me Denise,” She said and patted his head softly.

“I agree, these are really good,” Roman said, trying to earn some imaginary points with his Mom.

She sensed his jealousy and kissed him on the cheek. “Don’t worry,” She whispered. “You’re my boy,”

Then Roman smiled, trying not to start crying in front of his friends and continued eating.

That was when Virgil checked his phone and noticed they only had five minutes to get to school.

“Thanks so much for breakfast, but we gotta go!” Virgil said loudly, getting up from his stool.

“Shit!” Roman exclaimed checking the time.

“Roman William Prince! Watch your language!” His Mom yelled after him as he and his friends ran out of the kitchen.

“Sorry, Mom!” He yelled back.

They all ran and practically jumped into Roman’s car. Then Roman speeded all the way to school. It only took about four minutes to get there by car, but they only had like two so breaking the law was necessary if they didn’t wanna get in trouble and risk messing up their attendance records.

They managed to make it to school in one piece, but by the time they arrived the yard was empty, which meant everyone was already inside, which meant they were basically screwed.

Running out of the car and into the school, then down the halls to their first class took them maybe two minutes, but they were still very late.

“Mr. Prince, Mr. Storm and Mr. Baker… so nice of you to finally join us,” The teacher said as the trio entered the room. They ducked their heads and sat in their seats which was met by giggling from the other students in attendance.

Logan was across the room from where Patton was but he gazed at him intensely until he noticed and met his eyes. Then the two shared a timid gaze and focused their attention back to the teacher.

Roman’s seat was at the back of the classroom, and oddly enough, Virgil found himself wishing it wasn’t. It was strange because a few days prior he hated the guy, but things had changed so much since then. Roman had seemed so hostile at first, but it was just because he was scared, and Virgil understood fear better than anyone.

Once school was out for the day, the group had already decided they were hanging out. What were they going to do, none of them were really sure. Until Logan got an idea.

“So… Virgil,” Logan said as they all drove down the road in Roman’s car.

“Yeah?” Virgil replied from the passenger seat.

Logan paused for a moment, to try and formulate his words in a polite and non-creepy manner. “What would you say if I asked if you would, show us… the fire?”

Virgil’s eyes went big. “Uh…”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to, Virge!” Exclaimed Patton.

“Certainly. If you do not wish to-” Logan began but was cut off.

“I’ll show you,” Virgil said flatly.

“What? Are you sure?” Roman asked, with caution. For one, he was obviously afraid of the others potentially getting hurt, but he was also very afraid of Virgil getting hurt. He had already gotten in harm's way several times in the past few days, so Roman was understandably nervous.

Virgil sighed. “Yeah… I’ve never shown anyone before…”

Roman exhaled. “Alright, where to, then?”

“I don’t know… somewhere far away from people?” Virgil suggested and changed the song he was listening to on his phone.

“I know the perfect place,” Roman said as he drove. They drove for a bit until they were surrounded by farm-land. After about fifteen minutes Roman parked in front of a wildflower field, where no houses or people where to be seen for miles, and once they all got out Virgil breathed nervously.

“What’s the matter?” Patton asked him, with a caring tone.

“I just, don’t wanna hurt you guys,” Virgil confessed.

“It’ll be okay,” Patton said and gave Virgil a reassuring smile.

After they had all gotten out of the car, they moved toward the middle of the field.

‘Okay, so uh, I’m scared,” Virgil admitted openly. “But, that will help because I have discovered my powers are tied a lot to fear…”

“Interesting…” Logan said, taking notes.

“Whenever you’re ready, storm-cloud,” Roman offered.

Virgil let out a deep breath. “Okay… okay. Sit there and I will move back here a bit,” He directed. The trio did as they were told and he backed up about fifteen feet from them, to be sure they wouldn’t get hurt.

He continued to breathe deeply for a few moments, and harness his fear into his hands. After a little while, he felt a tingling sensation in his fingertips and palms and he let out a breath of relief before allowing the flames to begin. As they did his eyes turned to a light shade of orange that matched the hue of the fire. It started off small, and barely noticeable, but after a bit, the flames grew bigger and bigger until both Virgil’s hands looked like small bonfires. The trio who had been sitting and watching this were in awe. At first, they couldn’t believe their eyes but as it grew it started to look more and more real.

Then, Logan got up and moved closer to Virgil, which caused him to grow more anxious, and the fire to get out of control.

“Stay back!” Virgil shouted as the fire grew wilder.

“I just want to see it from up close,” Logan said, almost seeming entranced by it.

“Logan! Stop!” Patton cried. He had got up and tried to chase him, but when he did so Roman got up too and grabbed the back of his shirt. “It’s okay,” Roman didn’t believe that but it was better if only one friend was crazy right now.

“No! Virgil said-” Patton was screaming but Roman shushed him. “Don’t worry,”

As Logan grew closer, Virgil continued to back up. He was trying to calm himself but it wasn’t working. Breathing techniques were not meant for this.

“Logan, just stop!” Virgil yelled.

“I don’t care if I get burnt alright, I just want to examine the fire. It’s okay,” Logan said calmly. “Everything’s okay. You won’t hurt me,”

Then, just like that, the fire became manageable again. The flames were still visible but they were much smaller and safer.

Logan was inches away from the fire, and he stared at it in fascination.

“So, do you think it’s real fire?” Virgil asked Logan.

Logan stared at it for a bit. “That is, real fire, but how does it-” Logan began.

Then Virgil blew it out with his mouth. “Maybe we don’t need to know how, or why. Maybe it just is,”

Logan nodded. “Maybe…”

Then the other two ran over, Patton hugging Logan and Roman awkwardly smiling at Virgil.

“That… was pretty cool. Terrifying… but cool,” Roman commented.

“I’m just glad none of you got hurt,” Virgil replied, brushing his bangs out of his face to reveal the burn under his eye.

Roman caught a glimpse of it, but before he could look any longer Virgil’s hair had fallen back into place, covering it perfectly.

Patton huffed softly. “I think all this running was a bad idea, especially when you remember two of us are… injured,”

“I’m fine,” Virgil said and Patton raised a brow.

“You got beat up worse than I did,” He said, and Virgil shrugged.

“I have a high pain tolerance… might be from the uh, the fire,”

Logan chuckled. “I know you are probably correct about that assumption, but I just find it humorous that you could potentially use that as an excuse for anything strange or unusual,”

“True,” Virgil said and everyone laughed.

“Alright, well, it’s getting dark,” Roman said after a few moments, and they all walked back to his car. They then decided to stop at a nearby diner to get something to eat quickly before Logan had to be home.

The local diner was nice, but everything inside it was very dated. The jukebox didn't even play music anymore.

When they got sat down at a table they decided to sit in a booth with Logan and Patton on one side, then Roman and Virgil on the other.

“Why does it feel like we are in a really bad TV series right now?” Virgil asked, looking around.

“Hey! Riverdale isn't that bad!” Shouted Roman, who was then met with a curious gaze from the rest of the group.

Roman blushed. “What? I like it... KJ Apa has nice muscles…”

“I'm more of a Jughead guy myself,” Virgil stated.

Roman gasped. “You are Jughead,”

“What can I get for you guys?” The waitress said with a smile and a thick southern accent, startling everyone at the table.

They all ordered and within about fifteen minutes everything was ready.

All Virgil got was a chocolate shake, because his nerves were shot and he liked this diner.

“Are you certain you do not want real food?” Logan insisted. “I have money,”

“Nah… thanks but I'm good” Virgil replied, taking a sip of his milkshake.

“So have you ever thought about fighting crime?” Patton asked randomly, making Logan choke on his burger.

“What?” Virgil asked, despite hearing what Patton had said.

Patton gained an excited expression. “Have you ever thought about fighting crime, like Batman or Spider-Man or-”

Logan exhaled. “Patton, darling that isn't-”

“Legal. It isn't legal,” Roman finished, not letting Logan say it's not real. Not just to preserve Patton's imagination, but to eliminate any tension it may cause with Virgil.

“Look, you cannot just be a superhero. Not in the real world,” Logan explained. “That's just for movies,”

Virgil frowned. “I don't want to do that. If anything… I'd probably be a villain,”

“No, hey. You are not the type,” Roman defended, placing his hand on Virgil's shoulder, again, which caused Virgil to stiffen and Roman to immediately remove it.

“I doubt that,” Virgil commented blankly, fiddling with the zipper on his hoodie.

“Why so?” Logan pried.

Virgil sighed in frustration. “I just- I have a feeling. The characters that can do things like what I can do are usually evil,”

“Like the kid in Deadpool 2,” Patton offered.

Roman's eyes went big. “Why have you seen- Nevermind,”

“Yeah, exactly,” Virgil said, looking defeated.

“Alright, we may have just met you a few days ago, but from what I have witnessed I doubt you could ever be a villain. Possibly in some alternate universe or something, but not in this one,” Logan said.

Patton thought for a moment. “I wonder if we are still friends in the alternate universe,”

“I hope so,” Virgil said, slightly smirking.

“Me too,” Roman agreed.

Logan was the only one who didn't speak, and they were all staring at him now.

“What? You guys know I am not the sentimental type,” Logan reminded and everyone rolled their eyes.

“You love us, shut up,” Patton said before hugging him.

“I suppose,” He replied, almost letting a smile slip onto his lips.

Virgil felt weird, he always felt weird, but right now it was a good kind of weird. The best kind.

#virgil writes #thomas sanders #sanders sides #virgil sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #ts sides #ts fandom #thomas sanders fandom #thomas sanders community #sanders sides fandom #sanders sides community #thomas sanders sides #sanders sides fanfic #sanders sides fanfiction

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paperback-writers-blog1 · 5 years

Text

The Secret

By: ModLennon & ModMcCartney

Rating: T

Pairing: John/Paul

Summery: Modern AU! John meets a boy with a secret, but will he ever find out what it is?

Chapter 3/?

Chapter 1 Chapter 2

Tags: @the-beatle-queen

When Paul took off John got truly worried. Something was wrong! And Paul was saying he had to protect him? He couldn't let him run off like that, he had to at least try to stop him.

"Hey, woah! Paul come back!"

John took off after him. Paul wasn't really thinking about being careful and as he ran over a worn dip in the pavement he stumbled and fell to his knees. He couldn't find the energy to get up. He just stayed there, sniffling and not caring if he got funny looks. John was able to catch up to him quickly then. He immediately knelt down to check Paul over.

"Are you hurt??" He looked so worried, horrified at the idea of Paul hurting in any way, whether physical or emotional.

Paul just shook his head. He couldn't look at John. John carefully pulled Paul into a little hug.

"Cmon Paul.. what's all this business about protectin me? You dont have ta worry so much.. if ya don't feel the way I do.. I'll recover. I'm okay with bein friends, you know..."

John couldn't help but think it had to do with that. He simply had no idea what Paul was going through.

"N... no I... I'll hurt ya....I... I like ya f...far too m...much but we... we can't.... I can't.... can't..."

Paul would never be able to be just friends with John.

"Paul.." John spoke softly, lifting Paul's chin to look at him properly. "It's gonna be okay. Whatever this is about... it's okay. We don't have ta move fast. We don't have ta set any kind of expectations for the future. Just relax, yeah? I just wanna spend time with you, as much time as I can while I can, okay?"

"But when the time comes-"

"Then we'll deal with whatever this is about."

John had a sinking feeling, but he wasn't lying. If Paul was terminally ill or something similar, which it was starting to seem like what with how secretive he could be and the vague comments he made now, John still wasn't lying. He wanted to spend as much time with Paul as he could.

"For now, won't you let me take you home?"

"There... there can be no ‘we’ in the matter, don't ya get it? All I can do is leave ya behind an...an just...hurt ya."

Paul fell forward so his forehead rested against Johns shoulder. John's assumption was pretty much solidified by that comment. He hugged Paul tighter, feeling the strangest little ripping in his chest at the very thought.

"Then stay with me now, while you can." He spoke in barely more than a whisper.

Paul just nodded. How could he say no to John now? He understood the situation and he was still wanting to try for a little while. He was willing to have his heart broken to spend a little time with Paul. He knew either way John would lose him. If he didn't pick John he'd have to leave eventually. If he did...Paul swallowed and sat up.

"Alright... alright."

John relaxed a bit at that.

"Did ya hurt your knee?" He looked worried. He had seen Paul fall and wanted to make sure he wasn't too banged up from it before they got up to walk.

Paul gave a little nod. While he was sure he could probably walk on it, there was a nice lump forming. Besides he wanted an excuse to keep hold of John.

"Here, get on my back, I'll carry ya back." John insisted.

He knew he could just let Paul lean on him for support, but he wanted Paul closer. He wanted to show Paul he would carry him through whatever.

"Ya... ys sure?"

Paul knew he wasn't exactly fat, but he was pretty much the same size as John.

John nodded, "of course."

He smiled kindly and shifted so that Paul could easily climb on his back. Paul was unsure but still got himself settled on Johns back.

"Dya know where Forthlin Road is?"

"Yeah actually. That's right near me..."

John sounded a bit shocked again. Paul lived that close to him... and he had never seen him before today? It didn't seem possible. When Paul was settled he started walking. Paul relaxed completely. He didn't usually like others carrying him, self-conscious about his weight, but John was so comfortable.

"Now ya know where I live I suppose there's not a whole lot I can do ta stop ya comin round ey?" He sounded quite happy about that, despite everything.

"Not a chance. And I'm not the kinda guy who waits three days or whatever other nonsense people do these days. I'll be pestering you as soon as possible." He sounded very pleased with himself. He wanted to spend every free moment he had learning more about Paul.

"Well... this will be interesting to say the least." Paul commented.

"I can promise you that much."

John spoke with so much fondness in his voice it was almost even alarming to him.

"That and I have never taken a boy home ta meet dad before." Paul chuckled.

"Is he very strict?" John asked, for once actually sounding a little nervous. His own experiences with parental figures in his life had left him wary of parents.

"I wouldn't say strict. Just... protective."

Paul had a feeling it wouldn't exactly surprise Jim, to bring back a boyfriend. But anyone he brought back would be under a lot of scrutiny until Jim was satisfied they wouldn't hurt Paul.

"I can handle protective."

John could understand that, after all. He felt strong urge to protect Paul himself, so he was sure he'd get along with others who shared that feeling.

"And Mikes younger so he don't get a say in who I see." Paul joked.

John laughed at that. When he spoke again it was in a much softer voice.

"Dya think they'll like me?" More than anything, families made him insecure.

Paul had a little think, wanting to answer truthfully.

"Yeah... I think they will."

John seemed to relax a bit, though he'd been unaware of it he had automatically tensed up when Paul's father was brought up. Paul rested his chin on his arm. He could easily fall asleep like this.... he found he had dozed off a bit, only to be brought back to reality by John asking which number.

"Huh...?" He mumbled as his brain caught up. "Oh... 20... we already here?"

"Unfortunately, yeah..."

John really didn't want to leave Paul now, but he couldn't stay by his side forever really.

"Oh... well now I gotta decide if we should say bye at the door or if I should invite ya to my room."

Paul hated the idea of John leaving.

"Hmm.. dya have classes in the morning? I wouldn't wanna keep ya up, but if you're not doin anything else..."

Paul shook his head.

"Then I'll leave it up ta you," John smiled.

"W....well... would ya?" Paul asked almost shyly.

"I would love to." John said sounding so sure.

The more time he could get with Paul, the better.

"Ya just wanna be nosey ey?" Paul giggled.

When they got to the door, he carefully got off John and let them in.

"Oh, of course." John grinned. "I wanna see how ya keep your room. I bet ya keep it nice and tidy. And i bet... hm.. i bet ya alphabetize all your records and books or movies or whatever else ya got in there."

"I do not!" Paul gasped.

Paul shut the door behind them and yelled a hello to anyone around then led John up to his room. It was neat, but not so tidy. Paul hadn't exactly been expecting company so didn't tidy up. He blushed a bit. John looked very amused when he saw it.

"I guess I'm not always right. That's okay though, we'll get along even better than i thought."

He instantly went to look through Paul's record collection. It was obvious Paul took care of his collection. It was the tidiest thing in the room. On the shelf were various record and record player cleaning items. It seemed to be a little music corner, as Pauls guitar was on its stand near the shelves. His desk had a few scattered guitar picks of various thickness and colour. His favourite was stuck in the strings of his guitar. His desk was a whole other story. It was a creative mess. Not one thought was ordered, scraps of paper with drawing practise were laying mixed in with his actual collage work and some lyrics. A few of Pauls favourite lyrics that he wanted to really work on were pinned to a cork board above the desk. There seemed to be some kind of order there, with lyrics on the left side of the board while college notes were on the right. Other than that it was an ordinary room, a shelf of books and dvds, his laptop on his bed. A wardrobe with a few posters on, showing Paul did enjoy modern bands too. He had a muse tour poster, one for the American idiot musical, a small Elvis tribute act with a little signature in the corner and a clearly vintage Elvis poster in a frame on the wall. On top of some draws were various family pictures. It was a small room but had so much of Pauls character packed in. John took his time looking at everything. He didn't speak as he did, just silently walked through observing everything he could. The room told him so much about Paul and he wanted to learn everything he possibly could. Paul took his shoes and jacket off then sat on his bed.

"Well? Now ya here... did ya have any idea what ya would do once ya did?"

"I had a few," John looked over with a wicked grin. "But tonight I wanna keep things simple." He finished flipping through Paul's stack of books and finally went to sit on his bed. "When did you first start collecting records?"

John went right back to asking questions. He couldn't help himself. He just wanted to know everything. Even the things that might seem boring to others.

"Um... when I was about 11/12. Mum showed me a record she had and I liked it so much she said I could keep it. We used ta go record shoppin."

"Which record was it?"

John was very interested in that. His own mother was the one who got him into records as well. Paul stood up and went to the shelf. He flicked through until he found it. He carefully pulled out a best of Buddy Holly and handed it to John.

"She said she remembered Grandma playing it when she was younger. Probably not this exact record but... yknow."

"Ahhh Buddy Holly.." John smiled appreciatively as he looked it over. "So you've always had good taste then."

Paul blushed a bit. "W...well thanks ta her. Left ta dad it'd be jazz an brass bands."

"I'm sure she's quite proud of the collection you've got now."

Paul suddenly went quiet and turned his back to John, finding something to distract himself instead of responding to the comment. John wasn't too sure, but it did seem a bit odd. He moved so he could hug Paul from behind, resting his chin on Paul's shoulder.

"Paul... I want your whole life story. From the very beginning.. from your first memories.. tell me everything that led to you being this person, with those posters and those books... tell me about your favourite films and your favourite place to play as a child. I wanna know everything."

Paul quickly wiped his eyes.

"Well I... I can't remember /everythin/..." he mumbled.

"That's okay. Just tell me everything you do remember."

John wasn't stupid. He could tell something was a bit off after the comment he had made. He could only assume the worst.

"W...well I dunno where ta start... a lot of it is... borin growin up stuff yknow."

"I don't think I'll find any of it boring," John said with a smile.

"I can't think of anythin you'd really wanna know." Paul shrugged. "What I went ta school, rode a bike, hung out with friends?"

"Mmm.. tell me about your friends? Maybe favourite childhood memory?"

As John spoke he laid back on Paul's bed, making himself at home. He wanted to get a feel for Paul's life, see what he saw every night before bed.

"Oh... well I dunno... I mean I never had any like... really close friends. Coz we move around so much yknow? An kids ain't great at keepin in touch..." Paul paused for a moment. "Well... for a few years I did but... moved again so we fell outta touch." Paul found he never had problems making friends. But he did have difficulty keeping them. Mostly because he got secretive, hid away a lot and disappeared for months on end. Most of them just moved on. "Best childhood memory? Well... usually when we managed to go to a beach. Formby was the best but we would sometimes travel to New Brighton or Blackpool."

There it was again, a sudden fondness for water, specifically the sea. Which didn't add up to how he behaved around water.

"Huh, I was kind of under the impression ya didn't like water. Ya seemed so skiddish at the docks..."

John wondered briefly if something had happened during one of those beach days that traumatized Paul. That could explain the love and hate relationship with water he seemed to have.

"O...oh well.... the... the beach has other stuff yknow... playin in the sand an most have...the arcades..." Paul couldn't look at John. Instead he sat at his desk. "Anyway there was a reason you asked to know everythin. You wanna know somethin specific but ya don't wanna ask outright."

Paul raised an eyebrow. He had seen the behaviour before. He knew he could get funny when Mary was mentioned and people were so worried about upsetting him they would ask sort of vague questions in the hope he'd tell them. But Paul was careful with how he answered, only letting them know what he wanted them to. Sure if they asked he'd answer, but how much information he divulged would depend on how much he trusted them

"Actually I do just wanna know everything," John smiled. "But I am curious about somethin, yeah.. your mum.. she isn't around anymore is she?" He asked, his voice a bit softer now, sympathetic.

Really all the signs were there, the way Paul only talked about John meeting his father and brother, how he had said they used to go record shopping as a past tense. They were subtle clues but John was more attentive than most. Paul sighed and just shook his head. At least John made it a bit easier to answer, rather than the usual 'so what happened to your mum?' John didn't know what to say, so he just went to hug Paul again from behind, a bit tighter this time.

"Mine isn't either.." his voice was barely a whisper.

John just wanted Paul to see he understood, that /this/ was something he didn't have to feel alone in. He had lost his mother just a few short years ago, and he knew the pain all too well. Paul looked at John for a moment before turning to face him and just letting himself cry, hugging John just as tightly. He understood. He wouldn't expect Paul to be brave or tell him crying was childish. John held him tight, letting him cry. He had a horrible feeling that Paul had never been able to properly cry or show anyone how he felt about this. After a while, Paul pulled away wiping his face.

"S...sorry..."

"Ya don't have ta be sorry for anything." John said with a sad smile.

Johns own eyes were a bit puffy, as he had cried a bit as well. He was bad about Julia, he had never really processed it properly either. Without thinking, Paul gently wiped Johns eyes. It felt so good just to be able to grieve. He missed Mary so much, much more that the others just couldn't understand. Sure they missed her, but sometimes it physically hurt Paul to think she wasn't there. His future was so uncertain, there would be problems only she could help with. Paul bit his lip, looking at John carefully.

"I...do...are ya gonna...go home soon?"

It hurt less with John around. He felt so safe around him.

"I'll do whatever ya want me to. I'll stay however long you'll have me."

John closed his eyes at the feeling of Paul's hand on his face, leaning into the touch a bit.

"I just..."

Paul looked away. He felt so silly feeling like he did... he just met John a few hours ago.

"What is it?" John asked softly. "You can tell me.."

John couldn't deny their connection was quite odd, and it was all so sudden.. he didn't want to overcrowd Paul. He was worried that he might be, if the intensity was more one sided and Paul was just too kind and soft to push him away. Paul had a light blush across his cheeks.

"Ya just... make me feel... safe." He mumbled.

John's answering smile was so bright and pleased, the insecurity that had been bubbling up completely washed away.

"Good. I wanna make you feel safe."

Paul gave John a sad smile. He knew it couldn't be forever and one day, maybe soon, he'd lose that safety. Either way he couldn't resist cuddling back up, hiding his face in the crook of Johns neck. The only thing that made him pull back was the need to be a good host.

“Are ya hungry at all?" He asked. "Dya need anythin ta drink?"

He had no idea how long John did intend to stay. He wasn't sure if he would find it weird, staying the night, so he wasn't entirely sure how much to offer. Would he want to borrow pyjamas?

"I'm alright for now."

John was perfectly content just cuddling with Paul for the moment. He did hope that Paul might let him stay. He felt like he could stay with Paul forever and never get tired of him.

"W... well...dya wanna get more comfortable?"

Paul seemed a tiny bit bolder in his own room, but was still rather nervous about asking John these things. He didn't want to push it.

"I could go for that."

John was trying to take everything at Paul's pace and not be so bold now that he was in Paul's space. He didn't want to make a nuisance of himself. Paul moved off John then looked a little lost. He wasn't sure what to do now. They were clearly moving forward, getting closer, but Paul had never been in this situation.

"Here, why don't we put on a record?"

John suggested, thinking ahead a bit. There would be less pressure on Paul to say or do anything if he could just relax to music.

"Sure... what dya fancy?" Paul relaxed a little as he went over to the shelf.

"Maybe some Elvis?"

As John spoke he took his shoes and jacket off and settled in on the bed, leaving room for Paul to join him to cuddle. Paul nodded and put on a best of collection. Once playing at a nice low volume, he turned back to John. He carefully climbed onto the bed. Because it was a single he was practically on John, cuddling up. Outside it had gone dark and rain had started to fall. It was so cosy, Paul found himself quickly relaxing into Johns arms. John tried to make sure Paul was as cosy as possible before properly relaxing himself. He ran his hand along Paul's arm and back, stroking gently. The moment felt so perfect and surreal, he never wanted it to end.

"So um... this... this is pretty... not normal... for two guys who just met right? So... so what...uh...what...do we...what did ya... ya want...?"

Paul wasn't sure what John expected. He didn't know what was acceptable and what crossed a line.

"Well, to be honest I've kinda thrown normal out the window for this. I've never had a connection like this with someone before so.. I don't really know what ta do. But... obviously if anything I do makes ya uncomfortable... you can tell me yeah? Or if ya just get tired of me bein in your bed.." John smiled, "otherwise I'd just say do what feels right. I don't have any expectations, Paul. I'm just thrilled to be here with you."

Paul nodded a bit, but he was a little giddy after all this.

"So.... so you... ya my... friend? Nap buddy?.... body pillow?" He joked.

Maybe labels didn't really matter, but they did help set boundaries for Paul who was new to all this. John grinned a bit at that.

"Hmmm.. well I'm not big on labels, really.. but I was hoping for something a bit more than friend.." he mused.

John in as he spoke to gently run his nose along Paul's jawline, leaving a little kiss on his neck. Paul gasped a bit at what John was doing.

"I... I just...I don't know how ta... ta..."

Whenever John got near to his ear, specifically behind it, he would gasp louder and pull away. It almost looked like he was ticklish there. John had to bite his lip to hide the huge grin from that reaction. There were more serious things being discussed right now, though he did file that information away for later use.

"Have ya never dated someone before?" He asked, his tone gentle and understanding.

Paul shook his head.

"Like I was saying earlier... it could never be for long so... so I never bothered."

"Well... Paul... if you'll have me, I'd like to be with you for as long as you want me."

John's heart ached at the knowledge that that might not be long, but it only made him hold Paul a little tighter.

"I just... you'll be hurt. An... an ya ain't gonna understand why... I just... I can't say..."

Paul was so worried about this. He had no doubt Jim would make him leave when he had to, and eventually he would spend less and less time in Liverpool. Jim wouldn't let Paul do what Mary did. And even if he did, John would have to watch him die, like Jim had to watch Mary die. Knowing it was because she chose him, he was the reason, Paul saw it tear his dad up. How could he do that to someone he loved? Paul froze. Loved? He looked up at John and felt the flutter. Oh fuck...

"I know... you don't have ta tell me why, Paul. But like I said, I want this. I can't leave now knowin you exist and live in a world where I can't hold you, at least for now. I'm very...taken with you. And I want you for as long as I can have you... and the rest... I'll deal with it when its time. But that's on me, that's my choice yeah? So let me choose this."

"What if... hypothetically... ya... ya were the..." Paul sighed. He couldn't lay that on John just yet. "Nevermind. Ya right. It is your choice. An I suppose ya not gonna be that easy to deter right?" Paul gave a little smile.

John grinned, "ya got that right. The only thing that you could say ta make me leave ya alone is that you don't want me. So.. if ya ever change your mind.. I won't bother ya forever. But as for right now I happen to think you want me around just as much as I wanna be here. So lets steer into the skid and just live a little."

John had a triumphant smile, like he had won the lottery in getting Paull. Paul knew he should tell John he didn't want him. He should send him away. But he just couldn't he couldn't stand the idea of John going out with someone else. As selfish as it seemed, he didn't want to let anyone even consider having a chance with John. Instead he gave John a sweet kiss on the cheek. John turned his head to catch Paul's lips in a proper kiss, a bit more than the ones at the docks, but he was still very gentle and slow. He didn't want to rush things, but he was just thrilled to be able to kiss Paul. Paul felt a tingling through him as John kissed him. He could do it forever. However eventually he had to pull back to breathe. He looked up at John gasping a bit, lips red and swollen and a blush across his cheeks. John looked at him and felt his heart swell. Fuck! He had /no business/ being that hot! He had to look away or he didn't trust himself to not get carried away, so instead he closed his eyes and covered Paul's face in sweet little kisses. Paul screwed his nose up and giggled as John tickled him a bit. In the end he resorted to hiding his face in the crook of Johns neck again, still laughing. John finally gave up when he hid his face and just laughed with Paul. It felt so right to hold him. John tried to commit this moment to his memory, one thing he would never forget no matter what the future held.

#McLennon #mclennon fic #paul mccartney #John Lennon #modlennon #ModMcCartney #Modern au

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shy-violet-soul · 4 years

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Bite Me, Bit Fit!

Title: Bite Me, Bit Fit! Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester Summary: Dean is introduced to wearable fitness technology. It doesn’t go well. Rating: E for everyone Warnings: fitness-related fluff; canon-compliant violence Word Count: 1,500

A/N: I just recently got a FitBit™. Quite the handy little contraption - because my job is sedentary, the little buzzing reminders on my wrist are good for me to go take a walk. In the midst of a crazy moment, when that thing buzzed, I had to roll my eyes. Then it made me wonder what Dean would think of it. I took some creatively liberties with the actual functionalities of the app/device for the plot. Enjoy!

A/N: somehow this got completed deleted from Tumblr. ???

*************************************************************

Suspicion lasered out of Dean’s narrowed green eyes as he stood there, arms crossed over his chest, while Sam wiggled the slim box in his direction.

“C’mon, Dean. It’ll be good for both of us. It monitors exercise, your sleeping patterns…”

“None of which I do.”

“...Steps taken, water intake, calories burned...”

“None of which I care about.”

“And look - we can compete with each other on stats.” Not to be outdone, Sam whipped out his phone, swiping quickly to an app. “See? We can set up a ‘Step Showdown’ or a ‘Workweek Water’ challenge.”

Plucking the phone from Sam’s grasp, Dean scrolled through the app dubiously. “Does the ‘Weekend Warrior’ measure machete swings?”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Look, you were just saying how you needed to take better care of yourself.”

“No, you said that.” Dean extended the phone back to him dismissively. “All that fancy fitness crap is your wheelhouse, so go wheel yourself along.”

Pocketing his phone, Sam propped his hands on his hips and sighed as he looked down at the floor. “Well, that’s fine. I figured you wouldn’t be up for it. I mean, with you getting older, I’m sure competitions like this are more of a toll on you.”

“Whoa, hey, what?”

“It’s fine, Dean. I kept the receipt. I’ll get you a new heating pad for your shoulder or something.”

Dean scowled as Sam turned to walk away.

“You saying I’m too old?”

“Now, I didn’t say ‘old’. You just need to be...careful.”

“You’re the one that needs to be careful. I could still whip you five ways from Sunday, Sammy!”

“Dean, hey, it’s fine! We don’t need to have any stupid competitions on which of us is in better shape…”

Stomping forward, Dean snatched the box out of Sam’s hand. “Gimme that!” He glowered at the box for a moment before tossing it on the library table and digging out his phone. “What the hell is the app called?”

“FitBit™.”

“BitFit, fine. I’ll show you who’s in better shape,” he intoned, shooting his brother a glare. Sam merely raised his hands in a conciliatory gesture, then turned and hurried off before Dean could see his smirk.

*************************

Day 1

“Did you hit your step goal today?” Sam wanted to know. Dean scoffed where he sat at the kitchen table with his laptop.

“Uh, yeah. Like, hours ago.”

Sam frowned in surprise. “Really? ‘Cuz I literally just hit 10,000 after walking around the storage room all day.”

Dean blinked at his brother. “My goal is 3,000.”

“Dean!”

His brother cavalierly waved off his protest. “Hey, you said ‘step goal’. You didn’t say whose step goal.”

Bitch Face Level 1 volleyed at Dean as Sam tossed his hands up in disgust. “You can’t just change the goal after the challenge begins! That’s like cheating!”

“It’s not cheating! It’s...creative interpretation of the ground rules.”

“Dean!”

“Fine! I’ll change it to 10,000. Bitch,” he grumbled.

So validated, Sam sniffed in offense. “Jerk.”

Day 3

Jaws popping around a yawn, Sam headed for the kitchen and the coffee pot. The unknown case in Wichita Falls, with only blue-eyed victims missing their left eyes and their hair mysteriously purple, meant a lot of caffeine to fuel the lore research. He’d no sooner stepped down into the kitchen when a phone suddenly arrowed into his face.

“HA! Look at that!”

Sam sucked in a breath as he tried to slow his heart rate. “For cryin’ out loud, Dean!”

“Hydrate challenge...completed!” Dean crowed with a swaggering gesture. “Eight glasses, Sammy. Read it and weep.”

“You - Dean Winchester - drank eight servings of water, eight ounces each?” his brother side eyed him as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

Pocketing his phone, Dean brandished a plastic bottle aloft, shaking the dregs of water in it vigorously. “That’s right. And, no, some of it wasn’t beer,” he griped when Sam quirked an eyebrow at him.

“Good for you, Dean. You win this one,” he praised around a yawn as he trudged back to the library, Dean in tow. Dean pulled a laptop towards him as he sat across from Sam, sending him a confident smile.

“What can I say, Sammy? You shouldn’t mess with the master. Oh, and check this out!” Chugging the last couple of swallows, Dean reopened the app and added his latest bottle to his daily total. The app exploded in confetti and triumphant notes rang out happily. “Ta-dah! Gotta say, this BitFit is pretty cool.”

“It’s FitBit™, Dean.”

“That’s what I said.”

Too tired to formulate a comment, Sammy just smiled.

Day 8

“Uh-oh.”

Dean cracked an eye at the tinny sounding voice.

“We’re worried about you.”

Frowning his eyes open, Dean groaned as he turned his head and the muscles cricked up painfully. As much as he loved his Baby, sleeping here was hell on his body. He and Sammy had rolled into McCook, Nebraska yesterday after reports of three deaths proved weird enough to be their kind of thing. Three dead guys, working for the same company, burned to a crisp in at the same golf course and one eyewitness groundskeeper swearing he saw a lion at the scene. Awesome. Lore hadn’t turned up any ideas on the monster yet, and the hours on the road had caught up with him.

The device on his wrist buzzed, catching his attention as another “uh-oh!” chirped from his phone. Fumbling it up, Dean squinted as the app showed him a very sleep sad face emoji.

“You only got two hours of sleep last night. Remember - you’re at your best with eight!” the app notified dutifully. Dragging himself fully upright, Dean tossed the phone into the passenger seat as he headed to meet up with Sam.

“Shut up, fitness warden,” he grumbled, pulling back onto the road.

Day 10

The friendly blue band lit up and buzzed merrily.

“Congratulations! You’ve hit 250 steps this hour!”

Dean didn’t even flinch as he sprinted through the woods at full tilt, flames licking at his heels in advance of the unearthly roar behind him.

“Sammy!”

“This way, Dean!”

The creature dug its claws in, clots of dirt tossing up as it spun to track Dean when he turned a tight corner towards his brother. Snapping its jaws, it growled before giving chase once more.

“Uh-oh! Your heart rate appears to be elevated past the peak rate.” No shit. He could feel his heart pounding with every footstep, but when a blast of dragon-lion-monster breath hit the back of his neck, Dean poured on the speed. The ground beneath him rumbled, roiling and quaking in threatening earthquake omens as the chimera behind him roared again. Who knew Greek monsters could pop up in freakin’ Nebraska? “Doing cardio activity past peak level for extended periods hasn’t proved to be beneficial. Stay at the cardio level for maximum impact.”

“I’m about to maximum impact all over the place, godammit! SAM! I’m about to be cat-lizard food!” he blared out.

“Now!” Sam shouted, and his tall frame was suddenly there, crossbow at the ready with a hastily prepared iron spear locked and loaded. “Tuck and roll, Dean!”

His bad shoulder cracked ominously as Dean hit the ground, his trajectory scraping a Dean-sized swipe in the foliage as Sam aimed, fired, and ducked. The iron met the chimera’s spewing flames dead center, arrowing into the heart of the beast. A heartbeat later, it exploded into sparkling, burning bits that dissipated into purple-y, ashy clouds almost instantly. The earthquake stopped in its tracks, leaving the brothers’ spines twitching and ears itching.

The trees held nothing but silence as Dean wheezed for oxygen. He could feel his heartbeat all the way in his boots as he rolled over to check on Sam. Twigs poked up out of his ridiculous hair as he gingerly pressed against the knee he’d twisted a few minutes before, sucking at air like it was going out of style. Huffing out a sound that could have been a laugh, Dean nodded when Sam gave him a thumbs up. They did it. They killed the bastard. And they didn’t die this time. Although his lungs felt like they might make a liar out of him in a moment.

Then, into the quiet came two merry voices in stereo.

“Congratulations! You’ve hit 10,000 steps! Fastest record yet!” their phones chorused. Sam groaned as Dean sneezed a leaf out of his nose.

“Bite me, BitFit, you son-of-a-bitch!”

#Bite me bit fit #Dean Winchster #Dean #Sam Winchester #sam

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gerxrdwxy · 7 years

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Memories - Happy Birthday Brendon

Read it on ao3 By PagebyPaige

Summary: Brendon is sad and alone and its his 30th birthday.

Word Count: 2047 Chapters: 1/1 Language: English

•Fandom(s): Panic! at the Disco •Rating: General •Warning(s): No Archive Warnings Apply •Categories: M/M, Multi •Character(s): Brendon Urie, Spencer Smith, Dallon Weekes, Ryan Ross, Sarah Orzechowski (mention), Dan Pawlovich (mention), Kenneth Harris (mention) •Relationships: Brendon Urie/Ryan Ross (Platonic), Past!Ryden, Brendon Urie/Spencer Smith (platonic), Brendon Urie/Dallon Weekes (platonic), Brendon Urie/Sarah Orzechowski •Additional Tags: Brendon is 30, April 12, Fluff, Angst, Brendon is sad and alone, happy birthday bren

How did he end up like this? Brendon is somehow alone and sad, moping in a dressing room on his 30th birthday mourning the loss of the friends he threw away.

Brendon finds himself lonely and unenergetic, completely unlike him. He doesn’t feel like talking to even Sarah, or fooling with his dogs. Brendon looks through the ‘House of Memories,’ the display of “artifacts” from older years of Panic! He looks at his ridiculous hair, the crazy makeup, stage outfits and fond memories. As he moves through and finally reaches Death of a Bachelor. Here he is, headlining a tour by himself, basically the entire record credited to him.

Brendon goes back again, this time really taking time to remember.

Brendon remembers Fever, him and his high school best friends getting together in a space they could barely afford, no idea how they would get by. They had had the band together for three years already and were finally preparing to record. Brendon’s family threw him out and that translated into stage makeup and ‘fuck everyone I like drugs’ type lyrics that were so artistic (courtesy of Ryan) that they somehow worked.

Brendon remembers Pretty. Odd., the messy Beatles album where they spent months in a cabin and most of them were pretty much constantly high. Meanwhile, Brendon and Ryan only got closer. They sang duets with intimate lyrics and Brendon thought they really had something going, maybe.

Brendon remembers Vices, and the god awful fight that caused it. Brendon pauses, unable to continue. Ryan. It’s all he can think of. Brendon had done something proud and stupid and he lost Ryan. His Ryan. Brendon lets himself relive the fight that cost him the love of his life.

Of course, it wasn’t just one fight. It was fights every single night, ending in slamming doors at 3am. Even the people around them could feel the tension slowly building up by the day, until one day everything fractured. The fight wasn’t anything major, just their average argument, but somehow it was different. Brendon and Ryan had reached their breaking points, and no matter what they did that night someone was going to explode. No one really excepted the end, though; everyone really just figured Brendon would trail Ryan like a dog forever. Clearly, that’s not quite what happened.

It was late at night and everyone else had gone to bed, not wanting to deal with Brendon and Ryan’s petty shit. They were talking about the new record, and what they wanted to do. Ryan wanted to be a bigger part of the musical process: Ryan wanted to sing. When he said it, Brendon couldn’t help but snort.

“Why the hell is this funny?”

“It’s just fuckin’ ironic, Ry. You, Ryan Ross, in the spotlight!” Ryan looked indignant.

“Why shouldn’t I be?”

“I- nevermind.”

“Spit it out, Bren!” Of course, the irony was obvious. Brendon had been trying for almost eight years to work around Ryan’s stage fright, putting everything into his vocals to make anything possible, musically, for Ryan. Now Ryan wanted his chance in the spotlight. So this is how it works, then? Brendon thought, You just get to choose when you want to be in the spotlight and everyone else just works around you? Why, when we started and I wanted to be included in the lyrics I sang was I shut out, but now that Ryan Drama Queen Ross wants to be in the spotlight he gets it? The hypocrisy, Jesus.

“You’re just a fucking hypocrite, okay? We only ever do things when Ryan wants to do them. When I wanted to write lyrics, it was all, 'No, Brendon, what we have now is working’ but now that you want the spotlight I’m just supposed to give it to you?”

“Yes, Brendon. I’m trying to get over my stage fright and sing in our band and I should be allowed to do that. Besides, not letting you in the artistic process was for the best.”

“And what the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“It means you can’t write, Brendon!”

“Well maybe I can! You don’t fucking know that, Ryan. I’ll prove it.”

“Go ahead and prove it, Brendon. But if this is how this is going to go, I’m going to find someone who doesn’t turn important decisions into petty fights!” Ryan stormed out the door and Brendon, still fuming, mentally bid him good riddance. It wasn’t until a few days later when he got the email that he realized: Ryan wasn’t coming back. Brendon had just thrown away the love of his life over some comment Ryan probably didn’t even mean. Still stubborn, Brendon was determined. He sat down that very day and began to write the beginnings of the next record, and the first thing he wrote about was Ryan Ross.

Brendon feels the tears on his cheeks and realizes he’s barely even crying anymore. He doesn’t know when he started, or when he slid to the floor. He picks himself up and moves on.

Brendon remembers Too Weird. He remembers getting a girlfriend and coming out almost simultaneously. Brendon remembers writing about girls. Brendon remembers writing about guys. Brendon remembers writing about Spencer. He sees himself again, slaving over lyrics powerful enough to show Spence what he needed to see. Hard as it was, when Brendon sees This Is Gospel framed on the wall, he thinks of Spencer now and knows it was worth it.

Brendon has once again reached Death of a Bachelor. Brendon thinks of Sarah, of his puppies, all his friends, all his fans, everything he has. He thinks about the fight with Dallon, nothing even major; it was just a little tiff, but now Dallon’s not even an official member anymore. Brendon is alone.

He picks himself up and goes and finds an unoccupied room. He finds a comfortable looking, semi-clean couch and flops down on it face first. He curls up into the fetal position, nearly falling off the couch in the process. Brendon sinks into the couch and cries. Brendon is a mess.

When he calls Dallon, he doesn’t care that he’s in the other room. He calls him anyways, sniffling into the phone and apologizing for their fight, begging him to rejoin the band fully. Dallon just sighs and tells Brendon they’ll discuss this later, and Brendon has too many things to do to worry too much.

When Brendon calls Spencer, he swallows back everything he planned on saying, and so all he tells the answering machine is that he hopes Spencer is doing well and that he’d love to see him soon. He hangs up before he cries again.

The last person on Brendon’s spontaneous must-call list is Ryan. Brendon doesn’t even know what to say, he just calls and sobs and mumbles something that might be 'I’m sorry’ or 'I miss you’ or 'please come back I fucked up and I love you.’ Who knows. Brendon has almost convinced himself he’s talking to a voicemail when he hears Ryan’s too familiar voice on the other end. He bursts into a fresh round of tears.

“Brendon? Bren? Brendon, are you okay?” Brendon’s heard Ryan’s voice recently, but this is different. He sounds so old, so much more mature. Too mature to deal with a grown ass thirty year old crying on his birthday. Brendon almost hangs up when Ryan speaks again.

“Happy Birthday, Brendon. I’ve got a surprise for you, by the way.” Brendon is astounded by how calm Ryan is. “That is, if you’re up for it…”

“What is it?” Brendon is suddenly an overeager child.

“It’s a surprise, Brendon. A surprise.”

Brendon sighs and hears a knock at the door. “Hey Ry, I gotta go. I have soundcheck like, now, and a full set in an hour. Bye Ryan.”

“I kn- bye Brendon,” Ryan chirps and hangs up, leaving him headachy and confused.

Every song in Brendon’s set is practically pointing fingers at him. Brendon plays This Is Gospel and can barely focus on the piano keys for the amount of glances he steals of the drum throne, it’s drummer a shadow of his predecessor. Brendon plays Golden Days side by side with Kenny and he thinks of every memory he describes and all he sees is Ryan. Finally, playing House of Memories he stares at Dallon, a silent apology for everything he managed to fuck up to get him here, without even Dallon as a constant.

When Brendon walks back out for his encore, he knows what he’s going to play. No one will expect it but it’s so, so fitting. Brendon just misses his goddamn friends.

Oh memories, where’d you go? You’re all I’ve ever known. How I miss yesterday. How’d I let it fade away? Don’t fade away!

Brendon’s song, one not well known out of Vices, the album of his heart, is an apology to all those he hurt. I’m sorry, Ryan, it says, for driving you away. I’m sorry, Spencer, that I couldn’t save you sooner. I’m sorry, Dallon, that I let a trivial fight rip the last link from my band. I’m sorry, Panic! at the Disco, that I am you now: a thirty-year-old man touring the world crying alone on his birthday. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I fucked up. I miss you.

As the lights dim, Brendon walks off the stage, ready to go back to his dressing room or the hotel or wherever to lie back down and cry. When he gets back, though, he gets three simultaneous phone calls. He answers Spencer first, shaking from exhaustion and adrenaline.

“Yeah?” Brendon is too tired to deal with people, yet still a little euphoric to have Spencer calling me.

“Dallon just called me telling me you won’t answer your phone, so please for the sake of us all answer him!”

“Oh, o-okay. Bye Spence.”

“Catch ya later.” Brendon shouldn’t be this disappointed by Spencer’s call, and yet he is. The fucker didn’t even say happy birthday! Regardless, he picks up his phone again and dials Dallon, wondering what the hell could be so urgent.

“Brendon Boyd Urie get your ass back on this stage right fucking now!” is all Brendon hears before Dallon hangs up. Not wanting to make Dallon bother Spencer again, Brendon quickly complies, not having time to deal with the rest of his missed calls. He’ll get to them later.

When Brendon finally gets himself back on stage, the arena is empty. Almost everyone has neatly filed out the doors, security on their heels. Brendon walks up to Dallon.

“So what the fuck was so damn urgent that you had to call Spencer Smith?” Brendon hears a snicker in the background; probably a tech guy snooping in their drama. Dallon now fumbles for words, not making a very convincing case.

“I, uh, well…. uh, I needed you to help me with…….. something.”

“Right, yes. Something. I’ll get right on it.” Brendon isn’t in the mood for games tonight. This time, the snickering is a certain little giggle, and Brendon does a double take. Tech guys don’t laugh like Ryan Ross. Brendon faces out into the crowd, trying to determine where the sound came from. He looks down and ends up locking eyes with the one and only Ryan Ross, seated next to Spencer Smith.

“Happy Birthday!” Dallon’s voice is behind him and it’s filled with barely veiled excitement. Ryan and Spencer grin at him from the front row and he gestures for them to mount the stage, still unsure how to react.

“You knew about this?” Brendon finally decides to ask Terrible Actor Dallon.

“It’s possible…”

“Oh for fucks sake.” Ryan. Dramatic as always. “It’s Brendon Urie is 30, damnit, and I dragged our asses -he gestures to Spencer and himself- out to Vegas to tell you happy birthday and Dallon can’t even speak English! This isn’t the friends I know.”

Brendon doesn’t even think now, he just loses it. He gives in, wrapping Ryan in a bear hug. Spencer soon joins, smothering them both, and Dallon adds himself on, his head sticking up above everyone else’s. Brendon smiles genuinely for the first time in a very long time inside the friend-pile. Things are shaping up to be pretty damn okay.

#there's no formatting #my fic #fanfic #brendon urie #panic! at the disco #p!atd #ao3 #fanfiction #ryan ross #ryden #spencer smith #dallon weekes #happy birthday brendon #brendon is 30 #april 12 #4.12.17 #april 12 1987 #my writing

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shy-violet-soul · 5 years

Text

Bite Me, BitFit

Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester Summary: Dean is introduced to wearable fitness technology. It doesn’t go well. Rating: E for everyone Warnings: fitness-related fluff; canon-compliant violence; a few bad words Word Count: 1,400 ish A/N: I just recently got a FitBit™. Quite the handy little contraption - because my job is sedentary, the little buzzing reminders on my wrist are good for me to go take a walk. In the midst of a crazy moment, when that thing buzzed, I had to roll my eyes. Then it made me wonder what Dean would think of it. I took some creatively liberties with the actual functionalities of the app/device for the plot. This is un-beta’d, so all mistakes are mine. Enjoy!

This is a work of fiction based on characters owned by the CW and the creators of Supernatural. My work is not to be posted elsewhere without my written permission.

Suspicion lasered out of Dean’s narrowed green eyes as he stood there, arms crossed over his chest, while Sam wiggled the slim box in his direction.

“C’mon, Dean. It’ll be good for both of us. It monitors exercise, your sleeping patterns…”

“None of which I do.”

“...Steps taken, water intake, calories burned...”

“None of which I care about.”

Plucking the phone from Sam’s grasp, Dean scrolled through the app dubiously. “Does the ‘Weekend Warrior’ measure machete swings?”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Look, you were just saying how you needed to take better care of yourself.”

“No, you said that.” Dean extended the phone back to him dismissively. “All that fancy fitness crap is your wheelhouse, so go wheel yourself along.”

“Whoa, hey, what?”

“It’s fine, Dean. I kept the receipt. I’ll get you a new heating pad for your shoulder or something.”

Dean scowled as Sam turned to walk away.

“You saying I’m too old?”

“Now, I didn’t say ‘old’. You just need to be...careful.”

“You’re the one that needs to be careful. I could still whip you five ways from Sunday, Sammy!”

“Dean, hey, it’s fine! We don’t need to have any stupid competitions on which of us is in better shape…”

“FitBit™.”

*************************

Day 1

“Did you hit your step goal today?” Sam wanted to know. Dean scoffed where he sat at the kitchen table with his laptop.

“Uh, yeah. Like, hours ago.”

Sam frowned in surprise. “Really? ‘Cuz I literally just hit 10,000 after walking around the storage room all day.”

Dean blinked at his brother. “My goal is 3,000.”

“Dean!”

His brother cavalierly waved off his protest. “Hey, you said ‘step goal’. You didn’t say whose step goal.”

Bitch Face Level 1 volleyed at Dean as Sam tossed his hands up in disgust. “You can’t just change the goal after the challenge begins! That’s like cheating!”

“It’s not cheating! It’s...creative interpretation of the ground rules.”

“Dean!”

“Fine! I’ll change it to 10,000. Bitch,” he grumbled.

So validated, Sam sniffed in offense. “Jerk.”

Day 3

“HA! Look at that!”

Sam sucked in a breath as he tried to slow his heart rate. “For cryin’ out loud, Dean!”

“Hydrate challenge...completed!” Dean crowed with a swaggering gesture. “Eight glasses, Sammy. Read it and weep.”

“You - Dean Winchester - drank eight servings of water, eight ounces each?” his brother side eyed him as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

“It’s FitBit™, Dean.”

“That’s what I said.”

Too tired to formulate a comment, Sammy just smiled.

***********************************

Day 8

“Uh-oh.”

Dean cracked an eye at the tinny sounding voice.

“We’re worried about you.”

The device on his wrist buzzed, catching his attention as another “uh-oh!” chirped from his phone. Fumbling it up, Dean squinted as the app showed him a very sleep sad face emoji.

“Shut up, fitness warden,” he grumbled, pulling back onto the road.

******************************

Day 10

The friendly blue band lit up and buzzed merrily.

“Congratulations! You’ve hit 250 steps this hour!”

Dean didn’t even flinch as he sprinted through the woods at full tilt, flames licking at his heels in advance of the unearthly roar behind him.

“Sammy!”

“This way, Dean!”

The creature dug its claws in, clots of dirt tossing up as it spun to track Dean when he turned a tight corner towards his brother. Snapping its jaws, it growled before giving chase once more.

“I’m about to maximum impact all over the place, godammit! SAM! I’m about to be cat-lizard food!” he blared out.

“Now!” Sam shouted, and his tall frame was suddenly there, crossbow at the ready with a hastily prepared iron spear locked and loaded. “Tuck and roll, Dean!”

Then, into the quiet came two merry voices in stereo.

“Congratulations! You’ve hit 10,000 steps! Fastest record yet!” their phones chorused. Sam groaned as Dean sneezed a leaf out of his nose.

“Bite me, BitFit, you son-of-a-bitch!”

Just tagging a few peeps who might enjoy the chuckle:

@thesassywallflower @pinknerdpanda @amanda-teaches @littlegreenplasticsoldier @percywinchester27 @mrswhozeewhatsis

#supernatural fanfiction #spn fanfiction #dean winchester #Sam Winchester #dean winchester fanfiction #sam winchester fanfiction

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