You know what? Happy Disability Month to those who were disabled by accident. Cars, skis, ice, sand, rocks, horses, just plain bad luck. Broken bones and backs that never heal. Shoulders that can't lift or move right. Wrists that don't turn. Hands that can't grasp. Brains that don't work right anymore. Legs that don't move anymore and eyes that won't recover.

The shame, the blame, the frustration, the wishful thinking that tears you apart. The beauty of small victories and simple kindness. The community you build. Reshaping a life with no warning. Mourning for the person you once were. Joyfully embracing the person you now are. Happy Disability Month to you too (even if you aren't ready to use that word yet)

Imagine being the reserved quiet niece of Ursa and cousin of Zuko and Azula, a powerful fire bender who catches Ty lee’s attention. You struggle to find a way to show her you return her affection until Azula threatens her....

(Note: this is loosely based on the comic the search which takes place after the tv show ended and follows Zuko finding his mother)

You’d grown up in a village terrified of the fire nation. Your family used to be the proud respected descendants of Avatar Roku....and then Fire lord Azulon showed up and demanded one of the line marry his son Ozai. Your aunt was stolen away just for being linked to a fire bender and so when you developed fire bending your family were horrified. They forbade you from ever using your bending but refused to explain why. So of course you ignored them and carried on working to be the best fire bender ever. You absorbed every technique you could read about and were advancing quickly....until your family caught you. They were furious but you were determined never to stop and so they saw there was nothing else to do but tell you the truth. They finally told you what fire bending had done to their family and urged you never to show your power. Who knew what the royal family would do if they knew you existed, if they’d take you too...and so you stopped. You stopped fire bending but you were restless, so much energy bottled up inside you, and so trained in other physical disciplines. Your family disapproved of your boisterous activities but they were better than fire bending so they allowed it. Even when your aunt returned from the fire nation they didn’t lessen their rules on you an inch. You listened to them dutifully but continuously felt the itch your fire in your palms. You vowed you would get to use your fire bending some day...some how.  

8 years later

Your family had socially and physically isolated themselves so much you were unaware the war had ended even months after Zuko had been crowned. It wasn’t until said new fire lord appeared on your doorstep that you realised everything had changed.

You were outside with your little cousin Kiyi when a well dressed man appeared. You immediately identified him as some noble man from the fire nation or maybe even a royal and tensed. The fear instilled in you was strong and you swept your cousin behind you before getting in a defensive stance. "Who are you and what do you want?" you called adrenaline pulsing through you. The man started towards you and you drew the knife you always kept on you "don’t come any closer". The man raised his hands and you realised he wasn’t quiet a man yet, he was about your age and had an odd burn across his eye. "What do you want" you said louder and Kiyi clutched your legs. "I’m looking for a woman, Ursa...does she live here?". "No" you said "go away". "Are you sure?' he asked "please it’s important i find her, here’s a photo of her". He went to step forwards and you raised your hand. "Okay here" he said and put it down before walking away. You picked the photo up and before you could do anything Kiyi frowned "mommy!". "Mommy?" the boy asked confused "so you do know her? She’s here? I have to see her!". He started walking closer and wasn’t slowing down. You didn’t want him to get near you and so used your best attack. Your fire practically leapt from you after being supressed for so many years and hit him square in the chest sending him flying backwards. "Go away" you yelled loudly "now or i will hurt you". "Zuko!" someone yelled and you saw a group come running around the corner. "Kiyi run! Tell Ursa to run!" you yelled and turned to face them. You shot some warning jets of flame “leave now” you yelled trying to feign confidence. A girl dressed in blue threw up protection while a girl in pink worked her way towards you with super human agility. You fired at her but she dodged your flames as easily as if you were a beginner bender. The girl reached you and you switched to close range attacks and the two of you became locked in a close combat. “No stop!” the boy yelled but neither you or the girl stopped. The girl was dodging ever single attack you threw her but you were getting closer. You singed her t-shirt when the girl landed some punches along your muscles. Your body cramped in pain and you flinched clutching your arm. You raised your other arm but nothing happened. You raised both hands but again no flame. Your fire was gone. “My bending....” you gasped and the girl knocked the knife from your hand. “Ty lee stop it!” the boy yelled and the girl in pink simply backflipped back to the group. “I don’t know what you did to me but I still won’t let you take her” you growled. The others matched your defensive stance but the boy pushed past them “no leave her I think she’s my...” when a voice cut him off.  "Zuko?". You turned to see your aunt running forwards her eyes fixed on the man. "Zuko!" she cried and rushed past you to throw her arms around him. They were both sobbing by the time the rest of your family arrived and you were utterly confused. "What’s going on?" you asked loudly and Ursa smiled "y/n dear it’s okay, this is my son Zuko, he’s your cousin, it’s okay!".

You family flocked around Zuko and all had similar reactions to Ursa. You watched still clutching your arm as they all headed to the house. The group with Zuko went to follow and you zoned in on the girl who had done this to you. “Hey you” you called at the pink girl. She glanced at you before bounding over “i’m Ty lee, it’s lovely to meet you, your fire bending is really pretty!”. “What did you do to me?” you cried in reply and the girls smile wavered. “Sorry about that, I’m sort of swore to protect your cousin so I had to attack you, i used Chi blocking on you don’t worry it’s not permanent”. “Chi what? That’s not important...what do I do to reverse it? Undo what you did!”. “ I can’t make it come back instantly” Ty lee frowned “it takes a while for your body to repair but it’ll come back soon I promise”. You stared at your hands “you swear it’ll come back”. “Totally” she smiled crossing her heart and you stared confused why she was so happy. Was she mocking you or something? You were about to ask her when your aunt called “Y/n come meet your cousins Zuko and Azula” and with a glance to Ty lee (who was still smiling) you made your way inside.  

Ursa introduced you but that was all the encouragement Zuko needed, he seemed thrilled to have a cousin his age and launched into a thorough interogation to work out everything about you while his sister just glared. It was hard not to be caught up in his infectious happiness. He called over his friends to meet you and you noticed how proudly he called you his cousin, a large grin on his face.  When the group reached you Zuko smiled “guys this is my cousin y/n! Y/n this is Sokka, Katara, Ty lee, Mai and Aang”. They all shot greetings at you and you blinked in reply. “Aang as in avatar aang....”. “Yeah” the boy smiled awkwardly and you stared “my cousin the firelord is friends with the avatar...the avatar and fire lord are in my house right now...”. “It gets old soon I promise” Zuko’s girlfriend Mai told you and everyone laughed. Zuko was called away by your adoring family but his friends stayed around you. They all began asking you questions excited to get to know you and arrived at your bending pretty soon. "You took Zuko out surprisingly easy" Mai smirked "you must be a skilled fire bender". You glanced at your elders worried but none of them were even listening, they were all staring at Zuko amazed. You’d never seen them look so relaxed before and it dawned on you that Zuko being fire lord would change everything. It would free your family from their fear and you smiled emotional at the thought. “Y/n?” the avatar asked bringing you back and you nodded "sorry yeah i’m a good fire bender" you admitted "well i guess...i’ve never had any training or actually met another fire bender". "Really?" Katara asked and when you nodded she smiled "so you’re a prodigy!" she cried and you blushed when someone started to laugh. You followed the laugh to it’s owner, your cousin Azula who was watching you with a cruel sneer. "A prodigy? How can she be growing up here?". You narrowed your eyes but another girl scolded her "you don’t need resources to be a prodigy that’s the whole point Azula"  Ty lee snapped before turning back to you "I bet you’re awesome!" she smiled winking and you blushed.

Your family celebrated well into the night and you wanted to join them but something was worrying you...your bending still hadn’t returned yet despite what Ty lee had told you. You walked away from the house and practiced the basic moves you’d known since you were 5 but could conjure a single flame. “Maybe wait a bit longer?” a voice called and you saw the said cause of your predicament. “Sorry I don’t know exactly how long but they will come back I swear” Ty lee frowned. You frowned staring down at your hands “I’ve spent so long having to hide my bending and now I can show it, they’re gone”. “Only temporarily!” Ty lee assured you “but I get it and i’m sorry....it must’ve been hard hiding who you were all this time?" she asked and you nodded "i guess". Silence settled and Ty lee stared at you. "You don’t talk much" she observed and you blushed. “I noticed in the party you’re rather quiet, that does not run in common with your family” she smirked as your family could be heard from your position outside. "Sorry i was always told to never speak about what i can do and so to have an audience just waiting to listen....it’s pretty anxiety provoking". The girl frowned and laid a hand on your hand "i’m sorry i didn’t realise, we don’t have to talk about that, we can talk about something else". You didn’t get why the pretty girl was with you at all but suspected she felt bad for disabling your bending. "Thank you" you said politely and a silence settled again. You winced, fearing this would get awkward but Ty lee seemed to be a cunning socialite. "So what’s your favourite colour?". "My favourite colour?" you asked amused. Ty lee nodded "your aura is hard to read....you’re quiet hard to read actually and that intrigues me so humour me". You blushed as the beautiful chi blocker stared at you intensely and answered her questions.

A lot of time had passed and still the two of you were outside and Ty lee’s constant chattering broke past your nervous nature. "So what’s your life like?" you asked now more comfortable "growing up so high born must’ve been cool, so much power and freedom..." you said wistfully. Ty lee frowned and you were immediately worried you’d upset her. "I’m sorry have i...". "No" she smiled at you "you didn’t say anything wrong, you’re right, i had many opportunities women don’t get but they came with expectations and set backs" she said glancing back at the house "i did things i wasn’t proud of just to be different...you see i have 6 sister who look exactly like me and so i struggled to stand out and be different. I tried desperately to not fade into the background and guess i fell to extreme measures in the process". You frowned and Ty Lee sighed before smiling "but that was in the past! Now i’m a kyoshi warrior hired with the protection of the fire lord!” she cried “my life’s pretty good now”. “I’m pleased for you” you smiled and Ty lee smiled back at you. You noticed she had a habit of staring really intensely and with how beautiful and nice she was it was a bit too much for your tired state “we should go back to the party” you blushed looking down and Ty lee nodded “sure!” not seeming to notice the effect she had on you.

2 days later

Your cousins arrival had certainly shaken things up but things were slowly getting back to normal and your chores were still expected of you and so you took your cart into town to get the shopping like every week. You were almost back to the secluded area of you home when you noticed a group of green women on the path ahead. They all had their faces painted white and had fans.  You frowned confused at the entourage your cousin travelled with when one of them popped out infront of you. "Y/n!" Ty lee cried "these are the women i work with the Kyoshi warriors, everyone this is y/n Zuko’s cousin" she said exposing you to the large group of women. "Hi" you smiled awkwardly and they all nodded to you “is Zuko okay?” you asked her. “Ow yeah Suki and the girls are just here to make sure it stays that way...that is a lot of shopping, do you need some help?" Ty lee asked looking at your full cart and you shook your head "i’m fine thanks". "Are you sure? It’s no trouble” she smiled and before you could protest she spun around to her friends. “Suki i’ll be back in a bit" Ty lee called and twirled back around to you. She hopped up beside you on the cart and you blushed as she perched on the armrest of your seat. “Lets go” she smiled.

Ty lee had a habit of finding you and joining you in whatever you were doing. You didn’t mind, she was nice company but that was also the problem. Any time she was around you became a soft slow thinking mess, made worse by Ty lee’s lack of boundaries and intense kindness.

Case in point, Ty lee was quiet for 3 seconds before she began complimenting you. "It’s so cool you can drive one of these things" she smiled and you blushed "it’s not hard really i snap it when i want the horse to go and pull it to stop...". "Well i still think that’s cool" Ty lee cried and you looked away so she wouldn’t see your blush. You’d have to learn to stop blushing around her or she’d realise you liked her. You reached your home and climbed down as Ty lee somersaulted off. You watched impressed before turning to the cart "if we unload it here that’ll be best". Ty lee nodded and watched you pick up three boxes. Ty lee stepped forwards and heaved two but they didn’t lift up. Ty lee frowned and tried again but they wouldn’t budge. "Those are probably a bit heavy" you frowned "try a bag". Ty lee lifted a bag of vegetables and then saw you discreetly lift the two boxes she’d been struggling with. "Wow you're so strong" she cried and you blushed "i’m not...” you stammered but Ty Lee wouldn’t drop it. "No you are i couldn’t move them and you just picked them up like that...i bet your arms are huge". Your blush was painfully obvious and there was no hiding it which made you angry, was she doing this on purpose? Why was she showering you in compliments if not to try embarrassing you? "I...i’m not...you're one to talk" you replied glancing at her toned physique before becoming horrified at what you’d just said and done. Ty lee didn’t seem to mind though she just blushed and carried on helping to unload the cart.

When you’d unloaded the cart Ty lee lingered as you sorted the supplies away and when you’d finished she still hadn’t made a move to leave. You liked being around her but knew you were so obvious with your crush she had to leave or she’d easily work it out. “So that’s all the shopping sorted, thanks for helping” you said and Ty lee smiled “no problem”. You nodded staring at her waiting for her to leave but Ty lee just smiled at you. “So i guess i’ll see you around?” you asked and Ty lee took the hint “ow i’m so sorry I bet you’ve got so much work...i’ll get out of your hair”. Ty lee smiled but you noticed she seemed a bit embarrassed and it killed you that you’d hurt her. So against the sensible part of your mind telling you to avoid the girl if you didn’t want to make a fool of yourself, you called after her. “Ty lee” you called “would you...do you want to stay for dinner?” you asked. “Really?” she asked smiling again and you nodded “we always cook too much so you’d be helping but of course you don’t have to...” you started when Ty lee cut you off.  “I’d love to!” she cried and you nodded cheeks pink as you led her into the house. Zuko and Mai were inside already with your family and everyone looked up when you walked in together. “Y/n’s here great we can start” your grandmother smiled “and she brought a guest”. “You all know Ty lee” you said awkwardly as Ty lee beamed beside you “y/n invited me! I hope you don’t mind”. You blushed as your family all told Ty lee she was welcome and made room for her beside you. “Your family’s so nice” she grinned at you and you blushed very aware of said family watching you and Ty lee very smugly...they knew you had a weakness for nice girls.

Mai was also watching and she smiled to see you blush any time Ty lee grabbed you or came close to you, two thing with Ty lee seemed to do to you a lot. Her friend has definitely brought her A-game.

You saw Ty lee around a lot, especially as your family seemed to find any excuse to bring the talented chi blocker anywhere near you. The excuses varied from sending Ty lee to help you with the horse, to calling you in for dinner, to having her bring you spare change on your daily errands. Ty lee seemed more than willing to help and no matter how crowded the room was she’d somehow notice you and make her way over to you. It didn’t matter who she was with she’d drop what she was doing and appear by your side, usually not moving away from you for the rest of the night. At first you found the constant attention and looks from your family embarrassing but you soon realised embarrassment was worth it just to have Ty lee by you. She made you feel special and important in a town and family that had always wanted you to be quiet. Ty lee seemed to make it her mission to get you to open up and you found you liked it. And her of course....a lot. The situation where you realised you couldn’t deny it anymore was when you ran into Ty lee in town. Ty lee surrounded by adoring suitors from your village what she caught sight of you. She called you over but never a fan of the boys your age you waved her away and expected that to be the end of it. Seconds later you heard heavy breathing and Ty lee appeared. "Phew your village has a lot of friendly people sometimes it’s a bit much...can I walk with you?”. You blushed realising she'd ditched all the boys in your town just for you and nodded "sure" and led her away from the group of simmering boys watching. As much as every encounter with her left you feeling dazed and humiliated at whatever embarrassing thing you’d done, you hoped Zuko would never leave so Ty lee could stay. You were well and truly smitten.

1 week later

Your whole family had been anxious for so long that when something did go wrong their response time was impeccable. You were all gathered out of bed minutes after Zuko called and stood around listening as he explained how his sister Azula had escaped his custody and was raising a revolt against him. You listened worried as your cousin explained what Azula was capable of and watched as everyone hurried to set protection plans in place. You wouldn’t be called on for your opinion or skills so you were just listening in the background when someone mentioned Ty lee. You perked up and noticed she wasn’t here. "I’m sorry but what was that about Ty lee?" you called and Zuko frowned "Azula kidnapped her, she took her as a hostage so we wouldn’t follow her". "What? We have to get her back!". Mai nodded "that’s the plan". "Well i want to help, if you need fighters i volunteer, I can leave tonight". "Y/n" your mother gasped but you shook her away "i’m a good fire bender I can help get Ty lee back". Zuko smiled "thanks y/n but were not actually planning on engaging with Azula". "But how will you get Ty lee back?". "Hopefully with a trade she likes those" Mai said dryly "it’s too difficult to sneak into Azula’s base so that’s our only option. She'll offer one we just have to wait". "Just wait?" you asked and Zuko frowned "I know it sounds backwards but we could do more harm than good attacking Azula". “That’s only if we lose” you pointed out and Zuko nodded “that’s true but my sister is hard to beat one on one and a group is too easy to spot, we’ll just have to wait”. You took in what Zuko said and fell silent. You stayed mute the rest of the meeting and may’ve seemed calm or passive to the others but you weren’t. You took in every single thing they said, every detail about Azula’s camp and snook away before the meeting had ended.

Azula’s camp was not as impressive as you thought it would be, just a small compound that was very easy to break into. Ty lee seemed to be the main prisoner and so you listened to some guards and found her location. You arrived outside the house you were sure Ty lee was being kept in and calmed yourself slowing your breathing and concentrating on what you were here to do. You waited for a guard to approach and took his keys before knocking him unconscious. You hid him in a shaded area before opening the door to Ty lee’s prison. You took out the first guard you saw with fire bending and he went down unconscious. A second tried to rush you but you winded him with fire bending and then kicked him over for good measure. The man fell over and went to get back up but your flared your fire "stay down" you yelled and he did. You straightened and looked around when a voice cried out to you. Relief flooded through your body to see Ty lee stood there and you rushed to her. "Ty lee! You’re....please tell me you’re okay?". She nodded "i’m fine! I can’t believe you’re here”. You smiled at her before spinning around to the conscious guard. "Open her cell!" you commend and the man scrambled to get it open. Ty lee swept out as soon as it was open and you pushed the two guards inside locking it and taking the keys. "You saved me" Ty Lee cried and she flung her arms around you. You hugged her back and smiled, going as pink as her top, "well i....we should go" you tugged Ty lee’s hand and noticed as she winced. "What’s wrong?" you asked and she shook her head "nothing lets go". "No you’re hurt...". You noticed how she stood awkwardly putting more weight on one foot and frowned "your ankle, you can’t walk". Ty lee shook her head worried how you’d escape if she couldn’t run "no i’m fine i promise". "I’m not letting you injure yourself more" you told her. Ty lee went to assure you she could exert it a bit more when you suddenly picked her up. Ty lee yelped as you carefully swept her up in your arms. "Is this okay? Does it hurt if I do this?". Now Ty lee was the blushing embarrassed one, you were holding her up so easily and securely, it was impressive. "It’s fine" she smiled "thank you" and you nodded. "Okay hold on" and took off into a run.

You made it back to your town with only minor incidences. It had been a rough night regardless and your arms ached painfully when you put Ty lee down having reached your home. Zuko and the others were still gathered inside and you hooked Ty lee’s arm around your neck helping her to the door. You pushed the door open and led Ty lee in. Mai glanced at you before doing a double take registering who was beside you. "Ty lee, you’re okay!" she cried rushing to hug her friend. You stepped away from her so Mai could hug her but rushed to grab Ty lee a chair. You seated it behind her and tapped Ty lee’s shoulder lightly. She took the seat shooting you a smile as the others all frowned. "But how?" Zuko asked. "Y/n" ty lee said proudly "she was amazing! She stormed Azula’s camp and carried me the whole way back!". Mai noticed how you brushed away Ty lee’s compliments and were blushing vividly. She also noticed how you stood protectively behind Ty lee and how Ty lee twisted in her seat to look up at you. "No it’s the bravest most valiant thing i’ve ever seen!" Ty lee cried and launched into a full blow by blow retelling. Mai watched as her oblivious friend made your blush worse and Mai smiled. It was clear you liked Ty lee but even clearer you didn’t realise Ty lee liked you too. Ty lee may come across as perpetually friendly but Mai could tell when she was just being nice and when she was genuinely impressed. Ty lee was indeed very impressed with you.

Ty lee’s POV

“I can’t believe you got yourself kidnapped” Mai scolded her and Ty lee rolled her eyes. Katara had worked on her ankle but it was a bad sprain so would take some time to heal. So Ty lee was forced to go to bed when all she wanted to do was help with the Azula problem. Mai however was very strict and seemed just as determined as you to make sure she was okay. “I didn’t mean to get kidnapped, plus it’s fine i’m back now!”. “Thanks to y/n” Mai commented and Ty lee nodded “I know, the way she risked everything just to help me...she’s really something” she sighed wistfully. Mai scoffed glaring at her and Ty lee paused “what?”. “You are not this clueless!”. “What?” Ty lee cried and Mai rolled her eyes. “You seriously don’t see that y/n is smitten with you?”. “What!” Ty lee yelled going pink “why do you think that?”. “Ow I don’t know maybe because she’s an introvert who avoids anyone but the two of you are always together, or because she brings you to her family dinner every week, or how whenever she’s around you she can barely look you in the eye without blushing....or how she tore down Azula’s camp risking her life just because you were there and then literally carried you back in her arms”. Mai sat next to Ty lee with a bounce and Ty lee stared “I....I never noticed”. “Figures, you never notice all the people infatuated with you but please tell me you realise you’re just as smitten for her?”. Ty lee blushed profoundly and looked down “i’m that obvious huh?”. “Yup, you’re not fooling anyone with all those excuses to run y/n’s errands with her”. Ty lee chuckled and then paused “you really think she likes me too?” she asked coyly. Mai rolled her eyes at how clueless her friend was but smiled despite herself ”definitely, so go get your girl”.

Your POV

After Ty lee was safely returned home and her ankle seen to by the healer Katara you promptly collapsed into bed. Your mission had been a resounding success but that didn’t mean you weren’t bruised and tired. You had just extinguished the candle when there was a knock on the door. You dragged yourself out of bed angrily and yanked open your door “what is....Ty lee?”. Ty lee stood there smiling at you and for once she didn’t have her signature confident aura. “Sorry were you sleeping? I can come back....”. “No it’s fine come in”. You led Ty lee into your room and hurried to tidy it and relight the candles “sorry for the mess I....wait what are you doing up! Katara said no walking" you cried realising she was on her feet. "It’s fine I have crutches!" she said happily gesturing to them but you shook your head "you should be in bed resting!". "You should know by now i can never stay still" she grinned and you rolled your eyes "fine but please sit down".

Ty lee would’ve argued she was fine but you seemed so certain she took the chair you offered her. You fussed around her, getting a cushion for her foot and one for her back and Ty lee blushed to see how much care you were taking. Maybe Mai was right....

"There" you said finished, satisfied Ty lee was comfy. "Now how can i help?". "It’s kinda the opposite...i’m here to thank you" Ty lee beamed "you saved my life tonight y/n and literally carried me to safety". "It was nothing" you tried to brush it off but Ty lee shook her head grabbing your hand "it wasn’t! Mai told me how everyone told you not to do it and how you actually disobeyed them by coming to get me". You glanced at her hand over yours and relaxed "well i...i was worried Azula might be being harsh to you, i figured even if i got caught i might distract her from you...". Ty lee blushed "that was very sweet of you but you don’t need to risk yourself just for me". You shrugged "i think you’re worth it" and Ty lee frowned "what do you mean?". You shrugged embarrassed "well you’re the nicest person i’ve ever met! I actually thought it was an act at first you’re that nice but it’s not" you smiled "you were so kind to me and for no reason...you just cared" you chuckled "i think we need more people like you in the world Ty lee, you’re very special". Ty lee let out a mini exclamation of emotion and suddenly threw her arms around you. You let her hug you, used to surprise hugs by now but you weren’t used to her kissing you. Ty lee wrapped her arms around your neck and pecked your lips with her own. You broke away immediately thinking it was a mistake but Ty lee just blushed looking at you "was that...was it not okay i did that?". "I...you mean you actually meant to kiss me?". "Yes silly!". "Because i saved your life?". "No because i like you". When you blushed Ty lee smiled "that’s a good sign right?" and when you nodded she leant back in. You were prepared this time but not for how great it would feel. Everything about her, how she felt, how her arms felt wrapped around you neck, how you felt wrapped together just made it bliss. It was a sweet but long kiss and when Ty lee pulled away you blinked your eyes open and stared at the wall in a daze "wow". Ty lee giggled looking up at you before you gasped. "You’re stood up! Ty lee!" you scolded her and she rolled her eyes "i’m fine, plus you realise you’re practically holding me up?" She asked and you realised without meaning to you were, you had your arms around her waist and she was hovering off the floor. "Ow well...i guess this works". "So if i want to stand up i just have to hold onto you ever time i guess" Ty lee grinned and you blushed. "I mean i don’t object to that". Ty lee smiled and stared up at you "good". Ty lee kept gazing at you and you lasted second before you looked away embarrassed. You blushed and Ty lee laughed so you just pulled her into you so you couldn’t see her face. Ty lee chuckled “you’re adorable” and settled her head against your neck. “You’re one to talk” you replied and Ty lee blushed too.

----

So I got Ty lee feels which has honestly never happened to me before but now I am obsessed! So might do a part 2 because I have lots of Ty lee ideas rn 😂

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019) Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes Characters: Alex Manes, Michael Guerin, Isobel Evans Additional Tags: Minor Isabel Evans/Gregory Manes, Canon Disabled Character, Soulmates, Handprint Summary:

"Listen, darlin’. I don’t think because I say darlin’ that’s gonna bring you your soulmate. But, maybe I’m wrong, maybe I don’t fully understand and they’re gonna find you, darlin’." - recorded by Cowboy for Airmanes

Michael used to work for an anonymous, queer-friendly sex hotline (going by the nickname Cowboy) while he was in college, and Alex commissioned him to record a message for him while he was deployed. One day, their paths cross.

Alriiiiight, happy Malex Monday! I meant to write a short ficlet, inspired by Vlamis recording a message for a fan, saying darlin’ three times. For reasons unknown, this turned into a 5.5K fic I wrote this afternoon/evening. 

This is a soulmate AU, and there’s some handprint stuff going on. And while this is mostly fluff, the fic is rated Mature (I know, *gasp*). Uhm, enjoy?

~*~

"Listen, darlin’. I don’t think because I say darlin’ that’s gonna bring you your soulmate. But, maybe I’m wrong, maybe I don’t fully understand and they’re gonna find you, darlin’." - recorded by Cowboy for Airmanes

When Alex listens to the message Cowboy has recorded for him, he has a hard time (pun intended) keeping quiet and not scream into his pillow. It's a close call. Even though the need to get off is overwhelming, he's careful to move his body into a more comfortable position without jostling the bunk bed too much. He hears Ogden in the bottom bed grumble in his sleep once, but he doesn't wake up. Small mercies.

Alex feels like an hour passes before he can finally wrap his hand around his hard cock and take care of his needs with the tiniest movements. He keeps listening to Cowboys recording over and over again, and he manages to time his orgasm with the final darlin' of the message.

Wow, Alex doesn't want to exaggerate, but he thinks he's never come harder in his life. Cowboy's voice's just doing it for Alex, always, has. But the darlin'? Surefire way to get him off in no time. It's the first night in a long time that Alex sleeps so deep, that not a single nightmare haunts his dreams.

The recording continues to bring Alex comfort and orgasms in the middle of an ongoing war, and he can't help but dream up scenarios where he meets Cowboy one day, and they realize that they are indeed soulmates. A soldier can dream, right?

Months go by and after one fateful and utterly horrible day, the war is over for Alex. He returns home to Roswell via a short stint in Landshut, Germany. Half of his right leg is missing, but they give him a purple heart as a consolation price and a thank you for his service. Not that anyone actually thanks him.

It takes Alex another couple of months until he can walk again without the help of a crutch. He celebrates this newfound mobility freedom at a local bar, the Wild Pony. He's sitting at one of the tables, nursing a beer, when two people occupy the table next to his. A tall blonde woman, and a handsome man with curly hair that spills out under the brim of a black cowboy hat. A cowboy hat. Alex tries not to be too obvious, but he keeps looking at the man every now and then.

He can't hear what they're talking about, their voices a soft murmur, but then someone feeds the jukebox with a dollar, and suddenly the couple has to raise their voices.

"Come on, Michael. Don't be such a sourpuss. I want to celebrate that you're back home. It's been a dull year without you. I've talked to Max, he's promised to be on his best behavior," the woman says.

Michael. "Nice name," Alex thinks. He's just reaching for his bottle to take another sip when Michael answers.

"Ugh, Iz, do I have to come? I'd love to spend an evening with just you, but you know Max, he won't stop nagging me." 

Alex freezes. He knows that voice. Intimately (well, in a way). But the man can't be Cowboy, can he? In Roswell of all places? Alex tries to be subtle by moving his chair a fraction of an inch to get a better view at the neighboring table.

He keeps staring and  almost jumps up when the woman (Iz)'s phone starts buzzing. She checks the display. "That's Greg, I have to take this call outside. Please don't leave, I'll be back in a minute."

Michael demonstratively takes his hat off and puts it on the chair next to him. He smiles at her. "No worries, I'll still be here. Say hi to your beau and tell him I hope to meet him soon." She grins. "Not sure I should introduce him to you. He's your type, brother dearest."

Alex can't see Michael's face properly, but his voice sounds annoyed. His voice, that Alex is fairly certain, is that of Cowboy, the man of his (sex) dreams. "As if I'd ever make a move at someone who's involved with someone else, let alone someone who's dating my sister, who also happens to be my best friend."

Iz laughs. "Good boy. Now give me a minute, I have to talk to my boyfriend." She leaves. 

Alex's hands are sweaty because now would be a good moment to approach the man, but what would he even say. "Hi, you're that guy from the queer-friendly sex hotline, and months ago you recorded a message for me I like to get off to. Nice to finally meet you in person."

Not awkward at all. But he also needs to know what the man looks like. So far, he's only seen part of his face (there seems to be stubble, which Alex approves of) and lots and lots of unruly honey-golden curls. In an unplanned move, he accidentally knocks his beer bottle over and the remaining beer spills all over his table.

"Damn," he mumbles under his breath, patting down the pockets of his jacket in search of tissues to mop up the mess.

Suddenly, there's movement at the table next to him and Michael turns around, a squarely folded piece of cloth (a bandana?) in his hand. "Here, take this."

Alex feels dizzy looking at the man. Not in his wildest dreams did he imagine that Cowboy would look like that, but now? Even if this man turns out to be not Cowboy, Alex will forever have this visual when he plays the darlin' message.

Not the moment to think about that, though. He collects himself enough to say something. "Uhm, are you sure? That looks very nice and clean, I'm sure they have paper towels at the bar."

Michael's smile is almost blinding. "Don't worry about it, it's one of my oldest bandanas, it deserves to die in the most heroic way – drowning in alcohol."

Alex snorts. "Okay, thank you." He reaches for the bandana, and for a second, their fingertips touch. Alex's vision goes blurry and he tries his best to inhale, but there doesn't seem to be enough air to fill his lungs. He gasps.

When he feels a strong, warm hand clapping down on his shoulder, he can suddenly see clear again, his lungs expand without pain, and warmth is flooding his body.

He goes almost pliant under Michael's touch (because of course it's his hand).

"Wow," Michael says, and if that isn't the perfect word to describe the situation.

Alex tries to remember how words are formed. "Do you feel it, too?" Michael just nods. "In Roswell of all places," Alex says dryly.

Michael snorts. "You wouldn't believe how apt that actually is. All things considered."

"I don't know what that means, but I'm sure I'll find out eventually. I mean, I don't want to assume, but I will find out eventually, right?"

"Yes, beautiful stranger, you will. I never expected this to happen to me, but now that it did happen, I want to know everything about you. What's your name, handsome?"

Alex can't believe that this beautiful man is his soulmate, let alone that he found him in this godforsaken town he'd never expected to return to before he lost his leg.

"Well, handsome does have a name. It's Alex. And you are—."

Alex takes a calculated breath before he says "Cowboy," at the same time Michael says "Michael."

They stare at each other. Michael's eyes are wide. "How do you—?"

Alex blushes, and he considers not answering the question for a second, but this is his soulmate asking. "I'm—I'm not just Alex, I'm also darlin'."

Michael's eyes grow impossibly wider, then he bursts out laughing. "Oh my god, that was you? I couldn't stop listening to your message either. It's been very – how can I put this – inspiring?"

"Well, in true Pavlovian fashion, I can promise you that calling me darlin' will get me hard and off in no time," Alex says, keeping his voice low. He should be beet-read, but he's beyond feeling ashamed. In fact, he feels emboldened, and if the glint in Michael's eyes is anything to go by, he's certain there's one hell of an orgasm in his near future.

Before he can put more thought into that possible scenario, Iz returns to the table. She looks at both men and raises an eyebrow.

"Michael, why are you holding hands with this man?"

Michael looks down at their clasped hands, apparently, he doesn't know either when they started holding hands. For a moment, Alex considers letting go of Michael to greet Michael's sister properly, but he can't bear the thought of losing the physical contact right now.

Michael kisses the back of Alex's hand, then he looks up at Iz. "Isobel, this is my soulmate. His name's Alex."

"He's your—Michael! I leave the table for five minutes, and I come back to you having found your soulmate? I didn't even know that we could until recently." She seems exasperated, but then her smile goes soft. 

She sits down across from them and looks at Alex. "I'm sorry, Alex, I didn't mean to be rude. This is just a lot to take in. Uhm, I've met with Michael tonight to convince him to come and visit me, and spend time with our brother Max tomorrow. And I haven't been quite honest with Michael."

She squeezes her eyes shut and takes a deep breath. "Michael, Max and I were going to tell you, that we met our soulmates this week. Max bumped into Liz who's in town to visit her dad, and I happened to meet Greg at an event I organized for his school."

Alex perks up. "Greg isn't Gregory Manes, though, right? Teacher at the elementary school up at the reservation?"

Isobel blinks. "How do you even know about him? Oh my god, you're his brother! You're Alex Manes!" Alex nods. Isobel looks at him more closely. "Now that I know, it's obvious, you look so much alike. This is wild. I think I need a drink. You in? Shots are on me."

Alex and Michael look at each other and nod. There are only so many earth- and life-shattering revelations one can handle without being at least a little bit drunk.

Isobel stands up and walks over to the bar to order. The bartender reaches for one of the top-shelf bottles. Well, they have something huge to celebrate, this definitely calls for the good tequila.

Michael nudges him. "So, I know this has already been a lot, but there's something else you need to know about me, but I'd rather tell you about it when it's just the two of us. It's nothing bad, don't worry, I'd just prefer to tell – and show – you in private."

Alex smiles. "Whatever it is, I can handle it. Just real quick before your sister comes back. Does she know about the hotline job?"

Michael shakes his head. "No, she doesn't, actually. I got my engineering degree at UNM, and I picked up the job to make a little extra money for all the things my scholarship didn't pay for, and those requested messages were paid really well. It's been a great job, I was actually quite good at it, too, but now that I have my degree, it's a thing of the past. I don't really mind anyone knowing, but I'd rather this stays our naughty little secret."

"Oh, believe me, I'm not overly eager to tell anyone that your voice has provided me with some of the best orgasms. No need to look so smug, Michael," Alex grouses, but he smiles.

Michael turns his head, his face is very close all of a sudden, and his lips look plush and moist and oh-so-kissable. They look at each other.

"Alex," Michael whispers.

Alex closes the distance between them and then they kiss. Stars align, the universe expands, and Alex knows he's finally home. Not in Roswell, they could be anywhere right now, on this planet, or in another galaxy. No, home is in Michael's arms, in the sweetness of his breath, the sound of his low moans, and the soft touch of his fingers caressing the hair at the nape of Alex's neck.

"Ah, first soulmate kiss. I remember. So intense," Isobel says, and places three shot glasses and a bottle of tequila on the table.

They don't want to stop kissing, but they do. It's the polite thing to do. But it's hard. Alex would rather be alone with Michael. As if he's been reading his mind, Michael leans closer and whispers "One shot, then we leave. She'll understand. But I need to be alone with you."

Alex closes his eyes and inhales deeply in an attempt to calm his nerves. Michael's scent is intoxicating, he smells like leather and rain. Alex wants to drown in the smell. When a cold shot glass is shoved into his hand, he blinks his eyes open again.

"Earth to Alex, are you back with us?" Isobel smirks, but her eyes are kind and understanding.

"Yeah, sorry, it's just a lot to take in, and Michael smells so good. I'm sorry, but can we get this over with? I really need to be alone with him."

Isobel nods. "You know what, why don't you take the bottle home with you, and some time this week, we all meet and celebrate."

Michael nods and picks his hat up from the chair. "Excellent idea. I knew you'd understand." He kisses Isobel on the cheek. "You told Greg though, right?"

Isobel nods. "Yes, he knows. Liz, too. And—," she whispers something into Michael's ear.

Alex thinks he hears Isobel mention a "handprint" (whatever that means) but he assumes they're referring to the thing Michael will tell him when they are alone, so he doesn't ask what they're talking about. It's comforting to know that his favorite brother knows, though. It'll be good to have someone to talk to he trusts implicitly.

They hug Isobel (who also smells like rain, Alex notices), then they head out to the parking lot. Since Michael's currently living at a motel, the decision's easy where to go. They leave Michael's old truck ("don't ask, we've been through a lot together, and I'd never give up on her") at the Pony, and take Alex's SUV instead.

He doesn't live too far from the bar, and they enter his house not ten minutes later.

There's just enough time for Alex to put down the tequila bottle on the dining table before Michael pulls him into his arms. They're still wearing their jackets, and Michael his hat. Before Michael gets close enough to kiss him, Alex nods in the direction of his bedroom.

"There's a very comfortable and very big bed behind that door. We both know where we're headed anyway, and I'd like to take the prothesis off," he says, holding his breath after the revelation. He knows that his soulmate won't reject him because of it, but it's still a very personal thing to disclose.

Michael doesn't even blink, he just smiles and leads Alex to the bedroom. He makes Alex sit on the edge of the bed and kneels down in front of him. Alex's breath catches. Michael takes off his hat and jacket and drops them on the floor to his left, then he turns back to Alex and unlaces Alex's boots. 

Alex opens the button and zipper of his jeans, and cants his hips to wriggle them down without having to stand up. He doesn't quite succeed. "Damn, I'm stuck, sorry. I have to stand up again."

Michael shakes his head. "No, you don't. Do you trust me?"

Alex stops and thinks about it for a moment. Does he trust Michael? The simple answer is, yes. He just knows that he can trust Michael. He nods. "I do."

Michael looks at him and holds his gaze, when Alex's butt slowly lifts off the mattress. He gasps, but he keeps looking at Michael. Michael smiles softly. Then he reaches for Alex's jeans and pulls them down, while Alex is floating a few inches above his bed.

Alex's thoughts are racing. He should be scared, his soldier instincts should kick in, and maybe he should fight, but he does none of that. Because he doesn't feel threatened. He feels safe. Michael won't hurt him, that he knows with absolute certainty.

As if by magic, he slowly descends, until he sits on the edge of the bed again. Michael kisses Alex's left knee, then he turns his attention to the prosthetic on his right leg. Alex is about to tell him what to do, when he feels the prosthetic coming off. He groans in relief. He'll have to pace himself and not go entire days without the crutch too often for a couple more weeks.

Michael removes the leg and pulls the liner down to reveal Alex's stump. Alex scrunches his face. Not in disgust of how the stump looks, but he knows how it probably smells. But Michael is unfazed, though. He leans forward and kisses the tender skin of Alex's stump. Alex is close to bursting into tears because of the tenderness of the gesture.

His voice sounds a little wet when he speaks. "I need to take some meds. Would you mind getting them for me from the bathroom cabinet? They are labeled 'evening'."

Michael nods and gets up from the floor. Before he leaves, he presses a soft kiss to Alex's lips. "Thanks for trusting me."

Alex wants to reach for him and tumble backwards with Michael in his arms, but he knows he'll regret not taking his medication, so he doesn't. Thankfully, Michael's back with the pill bottles in a heartbeat, and Alex uncaps the bottle of water on his nightstand and takes his pills. 

Meanwhile, Michael toes off his boots, pulls his shirt over his head, takes off his socks, and drops his pants in a heap on the floor. When he looks around the room wearing nothing more than his briefs, Alex pats the free space next to him. "Come here, sit down. I'm ready to listen to whatever you're going to tell me in a minute, I just need you close for a moment."

Michael almost trips over his jeans in his haste to sit down next to Alex. Alex immediately realizes how anxious he is, and somehow that soothes his own nerves. He reaches for Michael's hand and laces their fingers together. Michael's hand trembles, and Alex squeezes it.

"You don't have to worry, Michael. I know you're going to tell me something extraordinary, but I can handle it. I won't reject you. Relax."

Michael snickers. "Well, you could say extraordinary, extraterrestrial would be more accurate, though."

Alex swallows hard, but deep down he knows that Michael's not joking. He squeezes Michael's hand again. "The 1947 crash was real?" Michael can't do much more than nod.

"So, you're a descendent of a group of people not from this earth who crashed here some 70 odd years ago?"

Michael looks at him. "I guess you could say that, although I have to add that I was actually on board of the spaceship." 

Alex can't believe what he just heard. "Uhm, okay. You don't look like someone who's well over 70 years old, though. Does your species age at a slower rate? I this a Superman thing? Are you from Krypton? How old are you really?"

Michael laughs. "You're taking this surprisingly well. Uhm, so, depending on how you look at it, I'm either 30 years old, or I'm about 80. I don't think we're aging slower than humans, though. We were actually in stasis in our pods for half a century, and only hatched in 1997."

"You did what now?"

"Oh, sorry, uhm, our stasis pods look like glowing eggs, and we always joked that we hatched. I don't think that's how our people actually procreate, though," Michael explains.

Alex is trying his best to take it all in, but it's a lot. He takes a deep breath. "So, by 'us', you're referring to yourself, Isobel, and your other brother, Max, right? Don't you have parents? What happened to them?"

Michael's face falls, and Alex feels awful for being responsible for it. "We don't know, actually. We don't even know whether we're actual siblings. We were found together after we hatched, mute, wandering the desert. Max and Iz got lucky, they were adopted by a local family. I wasn't quite so lucky. I grew up in the system. But I've always been a bright student, so I was able to get a good education. I had to postpone my plans to go to college after high school because of Isobel for a few years, that's why I only graduated recently. But I have a good job lined up, I'll start next month. So, I'm not a complete failure."

Alex wraps an arm around Michael's shoulder and pulls him into a hug. "You could never be a failure. I don't know much about you, but you're not a failure. You hear me?" He feels Michael nod against his chest.

"Good. Now that the big secret is revealed. What did Isobel mean when she talked about a handprint earlier?"

Michael pulls back and looks at Alex. "You heard that? Well, as I demonstrated earlier, my power is telekinesis. Isobel can influence people with her brain, and Max can heal. What the three of us have in common, is that we can share memories with someone else by putting our hands on them. Skin on skin. It opens some kind of mental connection, don't ask me how it works exactly, but it leaves an iridescent glowing handprint on the other person's skin. It fades after a few days, and the connection shared during the handprint also breaks."

Alex squeezes Michael's hand. "So, you can share memories and emotions, but you won't mind-whammy me?"

"God, no, I won't. I swear. I wouldn't even know how to," Michael says.

Alex turns to Michael and they look at each other. "Okay. I'll sit down on the bed against the headboard. I don't have any medical exams scheduled in the next couple of days. Does the handprint have to be placed somewhere specific?"

Michael looks at Alex with wonder in his eyes. "How are you so fucking calm and cool about this? My entire life – well, since we hatched – I've been worried sick about revealing this secret to anyone and sicking military special forces on us. You are the first person I've ever told, and you're taking it like I told you I have a mole on my left butt cheek."

Alex raises an eyebrow. "You have a mole on your left butt cheek?"

Michael giggles. "Oh my god, I know it's probably too soon to say it not even two hours after we've met, but I love you. You're ridiculous, and hilarious, and brilliant. And I love you." He wipes at his eyes. "And no, I don't have a mole on my left butt cheek. Wanna find out where I have one?" He waggles his eyebrows at Alex. 

"You casually mention that you love me, and I'm supposed to play 'search the mole' with you? You are unbelievable. For the record, I love you, too. And I don't care that we only met two hours ago. You're about to put a spooky handprint on me that will tell me everything I need to know."

Alex lets go of Michael's hand and scrambles back on the bed until he sits comfortably, propped up by at least three cushions. He looks down at himself and pulls his shirt over his head and flings it in the general direction of the hamper. He winks at Michael. "Come here, alien boy, tell me your story."

Michael laughs and crawls across the bed until he's next to Alex. He likes what he sees. A smattering of dark chest hair, strong arms, a sculpted torso. Alex is gorgeous, head to toe.

"Is it okay when I put my hand on your chest? Low enough that the handprint won't be visible even if you open the top two buttons?"

Alex nods. "That sounds reasonable. Go ahead."

Michael places his right hand on Alex's chest. Michael takes a deep breath, and suddenly his hand starts glowing red. The palm of his hand is heating up against Alex's skin, but the heat doesn't hurt. They look at each other, and suddenly it's like a gate to another dimension opens.

Alex looks at everything Michael sends his way, he laughs, he sheds tears, he looks in horror at what some of the foster parents did to Michael. He sees Isobel, and another man, Max, most likely, he sees an old man with an eyepatch at a place that looks like a junkyard.

It's not just images Michael shares, though. There are also emotions. Alex can barely handle the loneliness radiating through the connection, the fear of someone finding out, Michael worrying about Isobel, and a million other things.

When they later look at the alarm clock on Alex's night stand, they realize the whole thing didn't take longer than maybe ten minutes, and yet Alex feels like he knows everything about Michael. Not every detail or secret, but he knows Michael now. 

It's overwhelming, and terrifyingly wonderful. Alex doesn't know how else to describe it. They lie down next to each other, knees knocking, hands exploring, their mouths almost touching.

"Wow," Alex breathes out.

Michael kisses him. "Yeah," he whispers.

Alex does what he's been dying to do since he met Michael. He runs his fingers through Michael's hair and enjoys how soft the curls feel. Like the finest silk.

"You are incredible, Michael. Thank you for sharing this with me. I'll have a million questions for you in the coming days, and I'm sure you'll also want know more about me, but I need to not talk for a while. Can we do that?"

Michael nods. Alex barely blinks an eye, when they both float up, comforter and duvet getting pulled out from under them, and soon they sink back down into the soft mattress again. "This ability of yours sure comes in handy," Alex praises.

Michael pulls the duvet over them, and Alex is grateful for the heat inside of their little cocoon. "It does. You have no idea what it means to me to being able to use it in front of you."

Alex notices the emotion in Michael's voice and sees tears glistening in his eyes. He wraps his arms around Michael as good as he can and pulls him close. Michael hugs back, and then they just hold each other for a long time. Breathing each other in and trading lazy kisses.

Once their bodies and minds relax, their kisses get heated. They are both hard, their cocks brushing against each other through the thin fabric of their underwear. Alex wriggles his hand between them to wrap it around the tips of their cocks peeking out. There's no time (or room) for finesse. Heat and friction are doing the job for them. Their kisses get more and more wet and sloppy, they pant into each other's mouths, and just moments before Alex is ready to come, Michael looks at him, his pupils blown wide. He presses his hand on the glowing mark in the middle of Alex's chest.

"I love you," he says. A short break, then he adds, "Darlin'."

Alex lets out a guttural sound, something between a scream and a moan, and he comes in hot and almost painful pulses between them. Michael follows only moments later, adding to the mess. But they don't care. 

The connection between them is blown wide open, and Michael gasps, when he's receiving memories and emotions from Alex suddenly. An abusive home, his mom leaving, loneliness, gruesome years in the military, the immeasurable pain of losing a limb, Michael feels like he's about to pass out from it, but he holds steady.

Alex took in everything he shared with him earlier, now he wants to take in everything Alex is sharing. It's a lot, though, and when the flood of impressions subsides to a mere trickle, he realizes he's panting and sweating like he just ran a marathon.

Their foreheads are touching, and they cling to each other like they're afraid to let go of the other.

Later, they won't recall exactly for how long they stay like that. At some point, Alex musters enough energy to tell Michael where he keeps a bottle of nail polish remover in his bathroom.

"How do you—,?" Michael starts, and Alex just places his hand on Michael's chest. Michael blinks. "Wow, I think this experience has fried some of my brain cells, of course you know."

Michael closes his eyes and concentrates, but he's not strong enough to make the bottle come to him with his telekinesis. Reluctantly, he lets go of Alex, who grumbles and makes grabby hands at Michael.

"Just a second, sweetheart, I'll be back in no time. Don't go anywhere."

"Har, har," Alex makes. He's slowly feeling like he's fully conscious again. He's about to call for Michael's attention, when the man in question returns from his quest in the bathroom. He's sipping from a plastic bottle he's holding with one hand, and there's a wet towel in his other hand. Bless him.

He hands the towel to Alex (who notices that Michael soaked it in warm water, bless him more!), and he quickly wipes himself down. When he's finished, Michael takes the towel and returns to the bathroom.

When he comes back, he smiles at Alex. "Pajamas, or shirts and sweatpants?" he asks, pointing at the walk-in closet.

"Door on the far left, there's both, pajamas and other comfy clothes. I'll take what you take." He only feels silly for saying something so sappy for a second, because Michael beams like the sun. "Partner look, I like it."

Michael vanishes for half a minute and returns with two pairs of blue sweat pants and plain white shirts. He dresses himself first, while Alex puts on the shirt, then Michael's there to help him put on the sweats. Without being prompted, Michael asks "Your crutches, where are they?"

Alex smiles at him softly. "In the living room, leaning against the wall next to the dining table."

Michael goes to fetch the crutches and leans them against the wall next to Alex's side of the bed when he returns. "Anything else I can get you before we sleep?"

Alex shakes his head. "Nothing I can think of right now. Come to bed, Michael."

Michael smiles, his grin almost devilish. "It'll be my pleasure, darlin'."

Alex is tempted to throw a pillow at Michael. "You're not playing fair, Michael. I'm exhausted, and you know what you saying it does to me. I don't think all the darlin's in the world will be able to make me hard again right now, though."

Michael crawls into bed and under the covers. He pulls Alex close and kisses the tip of his nose. "Don't be sad, sweetheart, there's more than enough time for that in the morning. Unless you have to be somewhere tomorrow?"

Alex shakes his head. "No, there's nothing on my schedule tomorrow. Plenty of time for us to get to know each other with more words. Don't get me wrong, what happened tonight has been the most incredible experience of my life, and I'm grateful that we already know so many things about each other, especially the bad things that are much harder to talk about. But I still want to talk to you."

Michael nods. "We'll do that. Tomorrow. But now, let's sleep. The acetone helped, but I still feel a bit like I was hit by a truck. Big spoon or little spoon?"

Alex thinks about it for a moment. "If you don't mind, little spoon. You're just so warm, and I'm freezing. I'm always up for big spoon duty, though. I want to hold you, too, you know."

Michael's smile is the sweetest, and Alex's heart almost bursts with how much he loves him. "I know," Michael says. "And now, turn around and get comfy."

Alex does, and as soon as Michael's inhuman warmth engulfs him, his eyes start to droop. A moment later the room goes dark, and Alex feels Michael's lips peppering the his neck with little kisses. He pulls Michael's arm closer around himself.

"I love you," he whispers into the dark.

"And I love you. So much, Alex. So, so much. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Michael."

And then, they sleep.

What’s the last vegetable you ate, and when did you eat it? I had spinach in my homemade egg and cheese mcmuffin yesterday. 

What was your last Facebook notification for? Notifying me someone added a photo to a group I’m in.

What bands have you seen live? Several because a few of the concerts I’ve been to featured a few bands, which was cool. I don’t feel like listing them all.

Tell me an interesting fact about your mother: She wanted to go into the marines, but unfortunately life happened and her plans got put on hold and ultimately never happened. That was her dream. :/

What do you think is the most important thing to happen to you before the age of 13? Uhh. The accident I had at 7 months old that made me a paraplegic and changed my life forever?

What were you super against as a young child but aren’t anymore? Scary movies. I love ‘em now.

What are your plans later today? Stay in bed most of the day sleeping, watching TV, scrolling through Tumblr, watching YouTube, and checking my social medias. 

Are you doing anything exciting this weekend? It’s the weekend and that’s all I’m doing ^^^. 

Who do you talk to the most? My mom.

What are some things you do regularly that make you feel old? I feel old because of how I feel, health wise.

Who is your best guy friend(s)? I don’t have one.

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? I’d like to be a little tanner.

If you had a tiny scar on your face, would you get it removed or just keep it? I do have some tiny scars on my face and I just let them be. 

Have you had an x-ray in the past year? Yes.

Do you think your first love still loves you? He never did.

What is something that is “going right” in your life? I’ve been going through a really hard time the past month, actually.

When did you feel ready to start dating? I thought I was when I had my first boyfriend at 16, but nope.

When was the last time your pet bit you? If you don’t have a pet, have you ever been bitten by someone else’s? She’s never bitten me.

Where were you the last time you made out? I think it was in his car. It’s been several years now since then, so I’m not quite sure.

When was the last time you cried tears of joy? I’m not someone who tends to cry for that reason.

How do you type your sad smileys? :(

Do you have “decorative hand-towels” that cannot be used in your house? Nope.

What was the last soda you drank? I had some Coke to take my medicine earlier. 

What was the last thing someone made fun of you for? *shrug*

Have you ever had any type of surgery? Yeah, a few.

Should kids be allowed to get tattoos/piercings without parental consent? Uh, no.

Who was the last person to hit on you? It’s been a longgg time since that has happened.

What was the last thing you decided not to do, that you were supposed to? I was supposed to make a phone call yesterday.

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to tell someone? Hm.

What do you put on hot dogs? On the very rare occasions I had a hot dog I just put ketchup and mustard.

Ever fallen in the shower? No, thankfully.

Do you think that things will get better? I can’t see that right now. :/

Have you ever legitimately saved a person’s life? No.

What’s your favourite book genre? Murder mysteries and psychological thrillers. 

Have you ever walked out of a movie at the theatre? Once. I honestly don’t remember why, though.

Do dogs like you? Yes.

Would you say that you project an air of authority? Ha, no.

Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool? Nooo.

Do you use one towel when you shower or two? (one for hair, one for body) One.

Have you ever been to one of the great lakes? Nope.

Who do you know that had a baby recently? A few people on my Facebook.

Do you like Usher’s songs? Yeah, I like several of his songs.

When was the last time you went to a waterpark? Never. I don’t do waterslides. 

Have you ever ridden a train? Nope.

What do you eat your French fries with? Ranch.

Do you have family problems? No family is perfect. 

What’s the last food you ate that was stale? Hm. I don’t recall.

How do you like your grilled cheese? Cheesy.

What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? The only thing I cook is ramen, which isn’t challenging at all. I’m so not a cook. What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? I lovedddd playing Barbies.

Have you ever been close to drowning? No, but that’s a fear of mine since I can’t swim so even with floaties or an inner tube I don’t feel safe.

Have you ever had a panic attack? Many times.

Do you like doing housework? No.

Would you ever get implants? No.

Do you own a robe? Nope. I have a Snuggie, though.

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Nope.

Do you like crust on pizza or do you cut it off? No, I just eat the top layer of dough on the pizza. 

What was the last song you listened to? I don’t remember.

Have any of your family members been to jail? No one in my immediate family, but some extended family members have.

Is there anyone that you feel you still need some closure with? Not anymore.

Can you remember when you first learned how to read? Not exactly.

What event in your life has transformed your personality the most? I’m sure my accident had a big impact.

Have you ever had any teeth pulled? Yes.

Do you still want to be what you wanted to be in elementary school? Noo. Back then I wanted to be a teacher, but that changed when I got to like middle school.

What’re some TV shows that you would like to get into? I have a list of new shows I want to check out, but I have yet to get around to. Oh, I did start this new show on Freeform called “Cruel Summer” that just started last week, though.

How would you feel if you were drafted for the military? I can’t due to my physical disability.

What is your favorite Queen song? I like Bohemian Rhapsody, Under Pressure, We Will Rock You/We are the Champions, and Another One Bites the Dust.

Do you know how to use any foreign currency? I’ve never had to.

Been kissed by someone who you knew was “bad” for you? You could say that.

Ever taken an at-home pregnancy test? Nope. Never had a reason to.

When was the last time you were at a loss of what to do? The past few years. Now.

What did you do on your favorite date with a guy/girl? I loved going to Starbucks and then wandering around bookstores with Ty.

What’s a movie you have seen in the theater more than once? There’s several, like the big ones I’m really excited about and into such as the Marvel movies.

What is the reason you’re still alive? My family.

Have you ever had sex in someone else’s bed/bedroom? No.

Do you ever brush your hair before you go to bed? Not usually.

Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? (You don’t have to give details.) Maaaybe.

Has anyone ever told you that they needed you? Do you think they meant it? Yes, I’ve been told that. I think they did feel that way at the time.

How did you feel when you woke up today? What was the first thing you thought about? I haven’t gone to bed, yet, but I always wake up feeling shitty.

Do you still tell your parents that you love them? Yes.

Have you ever said “I love you” to someone you weren’t going out with? Well yeah, it’s not something you just say in the romantic sense. I love my family and tell them so.

Would you date someone with a physical disability? Yeah. I have a physical disability.

Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? I’m a virgin.

The last time you dyed your hair, what color did you dye it? Red.

Think of the last time you went out to eat. Who paid? My mom.

Do you save at least 15 percent of your income? I try to at least.

Do you ever go on Reddit? If so, what are some of your favorite subreddits? I’ve Googled things that led me to Reddit, but I don’t go on there specifically.

Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little? Nope.

Are your parents in good health? Fortunately, yes.

Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative? Nope. I’m the one who has the caregiver.

Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason? Well, I can’t take pills unless I can crush them.

Do you have a favorite pair of pajamas? What do they look like? My pajamas are also what I wear during the day, which are leggings and graphic tees. 

Do you have any interesting pillow cases? I have a Michael Myers throw pillow, a couple other Halloween (the holiday) themed ones with skeletons and stuff on ‘em that I’ve had up since last Halloween, a Star Wars one, and a body pillow with giraffe print.

If something on your body hurts, which part is it most likely to be? My back, stomach, neck.

Are you more afraid of spiders or bees? Spiders, but I’m afraid of both. I’m afraid of ALL bugs.

Have you ever worn fake nails? If so, what did the last pair you wore look like? No.

Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you? Various topics in history are interesting to me.

Now or never

(Hayffie ff ❤️. I initially shied away from this prompt because I didn’t think I could write it in a way that felt interesting. But I ended up having a great time with it, so much fun that this became one of my longest one-shots. — I make no apologies for the length of my posts in the feed or in the tags. I don’t apologize for any aspect of my free expression. For personal reasons, I write on my phone using the tumblr app, and the limitations are what they are. Like the limitations of my disabled body are what they are. For prompts, I reblog the prompt along with the link to my fic in case anyone wishes to reblog something shorter. — I write for myself, for my love of the characters and the process. When people comment on, like, or reblog my posts, I view those interactions as unexpected gifts. I have such love for writing that I’d do it old-school like Anne Frank, without any audience beyond my journal itself. This blog has been that for me for over 5 years, my space for coming of age and processing intensities in a strained and oppressive midlife. — I’m inspired now by prompts much more than I have been in past fanfiction efforts. So, thank you to everyone who offers them. And when people are willing to slog through my long fics and other posts, that is fabulous devotion to the characters/issues that are important to me, and I feel good to know I’m not caring alone. — 💛 Kim)

***

His facial hair was rough against her lips. The sensation triggered fantasy which played out more readily if she didn’t have to look at him. So she kissed him with her eyes closed whenever they fucked around. He was the same height as Haymitch. When she wore 5-inch heels, those added to the feeling of intimacy. It wasn’t entirely real, but it felt better than loneliness.

Their relationship was discrete, of course. Mutual discretion was a condition she established before getting involved with anyone, especially someone as high-profile as Seneca Crane.

As far as Capitol society was concerned, their connection was primarily professional, with occasional dinners at expensive restaurants. It was an image they’d been comfortable projecting, and it wasn’t far from the truth.

In moments that weren’t overly physical, she enjoyed his eyes. Blueish-grey with a streak of emotion, they were familiar enough to help her pretend. That’s why she’d first invited Seneca up to her apartment in the fall — to have sex with Haymitch in fantasy.

The sex was good enough. He was gifted with his hands, though he smelled too much like her. She wondered if he wore the same cologne as she did. And his body frame was smaller than the one she actually wanted intimacy with. By November, they’d become a regular *good enough* thing.

A dozen years earlier, they’d been schoolmates at the Academy. He graduated two years before her. She was softer then but already a force to reckon with. He was shorter in those days, sharp, obsessed with tech design. Ambition was an attribute they shared, perhaps the only one.

By 30, he’d become one of the youngest Head Gamemakers in history. He enjoyed the rush of adrenaline he experienced when executing the Games, and he relished the opportunity for artistry. The thrill and beauty he saw in death made Effie uncomfortable, but she viewed it as part of the job. He carried out the president’s wishes, though he confided in her that he didn’t fully agree with the way Snow ruled Panem.

On an evening in late December, they walked along a garden path covered in trellises draped with strands of fairy lights. Effie kept her hands warm in her pockets. It had been a long day, and she was ready to be home in bed, asleep, alone.

“What do you think about marriage?” he asked. The question was slightly more inspiring than if he’d asked her what she thought about the weather.

“I haven’t given it much thought,” she answered honestly, leaving out her occasional ludicrous fantasies about having babies with tiny purple wigs and predispositions for alcoholism.

“A union could be advantageous for both our careers. The publicity could improve your chances of promotion to escort for an inlying district.”

“And what do you stand to gain from a *union*?”

“You’re iconic, Effie. You represent the Capitol with style and positivity, and you execute your work flawlessly. You’re in good favor with the president. You could be a wonderful ally for me,” You could be a buffer for me, he didn’t say.

“Is there anything more?”

“Like what?”

“Really, Seneca, is THIS how you’re proposing??”

“Well, our families would support us. And there’s the matter of sentiment.”

“Sentiment?”

“I like you. I care for you, of course.”

She thought of Haymitch’s words from last summer, the night they almost... but didn’t.

‘I like you too much,’ he’d said, ‘I can’t fuck around with you and pretend it’s nothing. And that’s how it would have to be. That’s the only way it could be.”

Venia and Octavia insisted Haymitch loved her, but she believed that was still a pipe dream. She could keep waiting in vain, or she could choose a more sensible path.

“And there’s this...” From his coat pocket, Seneca pulled a black velvet box and flipped it open. Effie’s jaw dropped. The diamond was huge. It was far and away the loveliest ring she’d seen. She looked in those blueish-grey eyes that reminded her a bit of everything she wanted that wasn’t accessible to her.

Seneca pressed, “Say yes, and the wedding can be one of the biggest events of the year, rivaling even the Games.”

She imagined what her dress would look like. He was saying the right words to tempt her. They didn’t love each other, but maybe she could look past that inconvenient reality. Sometimes people married for other reasons.

“The press would go crazy,” he continued, “There would be red carpet interviews. We could invite everyone who’s anyone: stylists, victors, even Snow.”

Victors... Would he show up to watch me get married? 6 months ago, Haymitch had asked her what she wanted. He’d unzipped her dress and touched her body. He’d taken off his shirt and shown her his scars. Then he effectively told her a relationship between them was never going to happen, and he held her hand as she fell asleep.

Damn him.

She took her left hand out of her pocket. “Let’s see how it fits.”

Seneca had investigated her ring size, so the fit was perfect.

“Let’s show him,” she said.

“Show who?”

“Them. Let’s show them all.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Yes. Let’s get married. ...This spring.” She could plan a wedding in 5 months, no problem. Isn’t this the time couples usually cry and leap into one another’s arms? Shouldn’t this occasion call for a show of passion?

“This spring it shall be then.” When Seneca kissed her, she closed her eyes and embraced the same fantasy as usual.

***

Haymitch rarely received mail beyond his compensatory income from the government. In March, when the post delivered an envelope addressed to him in gold ink, he almost tossed the thing straight into the trash, recognizing it as an invitation to a Capitol party. Then he saw the name “Trinket” and the return address of Effie’s family home.

What’s this? He opened it right there on the porch with uneasiness gnawing at his stomach.

“You are cordially invited to celebrate the marriage of

Euphemia Rosalind Trinket -and-

Seneca Lucius Crane

Saturday, the first of May

At 3 O’Clock in the afternoon

Palazzo Annaeus”

What the hell is THIS! His stomach churned, and he vomited up a pint of white liquor on the ground beside the porch.

Memories flooded in... tracing up the seams of her stockings, unhooking her garters, feeling her body without a corset, running his fingers through her hair as she curled up in bed, so soft. So damn soft. Fear had screamed warnings about getting attached to her. Fear was always screaming.

When those Games were done, he’d left the Capitol with a strained sadness between them, like a rubber band stretched too long. Today it snapped and smacked him in the face. He felt the sting of annoyance and regret.

Damn her.

He couldn’t fix this. The only thing left to do was decide whether or not he was willing to watch it happen. He would have burned the invitation in the fireplace if not for the P.S. in her obnoxiously perfect handwriting.

***

Seneca had been right about one thing. Effie’s parents were thrilled that she’d decided to marry one of *the Crane boys,* especially the Head Gamemaker. Historically the Cranes had been part of the old guard of the wealthy from the Capitol, and they’d successfully diversified their financial interests in the years following the Dark Days.

Her parents spared no expense for *the wedding of the decade.* Effie spent the winter so caught up in the comfort of validation and the thrill of event planning that most of the time she evaded the sense of dread that nagged her when she startled awake in the mornings.

When she’d addressed the invitations, she considered adding a postscript to Haymitch’s, either “Fuck you” or “I love you.” Both feelings were nonsensical and nonetheless true. In the end she’d written,

“H — Please come. — E”

She checked the mail each day for his response card among hundreds, but it never showed up. Figures. He probably threw it away.

She didn’t need anyone to *rescue* her from the fate she’d chosen. If she wanted to call off the wedding, she’d simply come up with a logical explanation to save face; she’d apologize to Seneca and her parents; she’d put a stop to all plans, and that would be that.

The phrase “Mayday mayday mayday” was a distress signal used by Capitol troops during the Dark Days. She couldn’t shake the feeling that she’d subconsciously scheduled her wedding on the first of May because, apart from the fine details, opulence, and attention, her heart wasn’t in this.

***

“We’re here at Pallazo Annaeus,” Claudius reported from the red carpet which had been rolled out along the walkway to the galleria of the Crane family mansion. “Just a short time from now, fashion icon and District 12 escort, Effie Trinket, will wed two-time Head Gamemaker, Seneca Crane.”

“Isn’t this exciting!!” Caesar was in typical form. “The air is positively electric!”

“So much so that my hair is standing on end!”

“As is mine!! Thank goodness for hair products.”

“And wigs! We’re seeing all of the ABOVE as the guests arrive. What a crowd!”

Their interviews with attendees were concise, asking which stylists designed their gowns and suits, and if they had particular wishes to share with the couple.

“Now here comes... Is that?... It is! Haymitch Abernathy, victor of the second Quarter Quell.”

“How touching. One advisor for District 12 supporting the other on her special day.”

“I LOVE it!! Haymitch, do you have any words for the happy couple?”

Haymitch stomped past them without pause. He hadn’t entirely sobered up from the bottle of whiskey he drank on the train, and he didn’t even try to resist flipping Caesar off when asked the question.

“A man of few words,” Claudius covered for a shocked Caesar. “We never know what to expect from that one.”

“He certainly does keep us on our toes.”

“Well, it’s a good thing we have stylish shoes!”

“Indeed!” Each of them spun around on tiptoe, and the cameras zoomed in on their footwear as a distraction from Haymitch’s persistent middle finger.

Just beyond the entryway, the galleria was packed already. Guests were dressed in yards of fabric and large hats. Floral arrangements lined marble walls covered with paintings, some of which were probably older than Panem itself. Haymitch slipped into the first empty chair he spotted, ignoring the usher who asked him, “Are you here for the bride or the groom?”

The question pestered. The bride. Shit. I’m here for the bride.

***

With every detail attended to, Effie curled her fingers around her father’s arm in the vestibule. Flower girls and bridesmaids entered the galleria first, then it would be her turn.

“My princess is getting married in a palace.” Her father kissed her cheek.

“Daddy! Careful of my makeup. Photos aren’t being taken until afterward.”

“Of course. It’s YOUR perfect day.”

Effie had certainly made everything perfect, except for this unrelenting nausea and desire to run away. She forced herself to breathe slowly. The last thing she needed right now was to throw up, ruin her white gown, and have the press start a false rumor about pregnancy. She had no desire to have children with Seneca. She’d made that clear, and he agreed.

“Are you alright, sweetheart?”

Her father calling her “sweetheart” made every discomfort worse. Clearly she thought of Haymitch.

“I’m trying to be alright... but I don’t know,” she confessed.

Her father wasn’t sure what to say. “It’s almost time to walk down the aisle. Is that what you want to do?”

He asked it like she had a choice, but it was too late for choices.

“Let’s go pay the piper!” As Effie started down the aisle on her father’s arm, she didn’t notice the splendor and fullness of the room, nor the oohs and aahs from standing friends and family. She didn’t notice the rose petals on the floor, nor her fiancé sweating like a pig about to be roasted alive with an apple in its mouth.

All she saw was Haymitch.

He stood at the edge of the aisle, in the middle of the room. In the years that she’d known him, he’d been clear about his disdain for Capitol events, yet here he was, no RSVP and very much himself in his regular clothes from District 12. She’d probably be irritated if she hadn’t missed him so much. He was standing right here, and she was still missing him. It took every ounce of restraint to not tell him so.

“Great dress, sweetheart.” He offered a subdued smile as she passed.

She looked back at him once, and her eyes felt like old glass, holding tears too hardened to fall. Then there was nothing to do but look forward.

***

Fear was screaming different words now at Haymitch. Stop this. This wedding. Stop this!

As she walked away from him, he could see that her dress had an open back from her waist to the top of her shoulder blades. The gap was bordered in ornate jewels, stitching, and fancy shit. But he couldn’t take his eyes off her skin, and he couldn’t stop thinking about touching her.

She glanced at him again as she handed her bouquet to a bridesmaid. Her eyes were pleading. He knew the look because of all the times he’d tried to ignore her feelings for him ...and his feelings for her.

The officiant addressed the audience, “We are gathered here today to join Effie and Seneca in matrimony. Family, friends, and honored guests, do you support this union and affirm that these two should be married today?”

Haymitch looked around as the audience responded in unison, "We do."

I don’t.

The officiant continued, “Will you surround this couple in love, offering them the joys of your friendship? Will you support this couple in their relationship? At times of conflict will you offer them the strength of your wisest counsel and the comfort of your thoughtful concern? At times of joy, will you celebrate with them, nourishing their love for one another?”

The automatons responded together again, "We will.”

Like hell I will.

“If any of you has a reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace."

Haymitch sighed and shook his head. Someday he’d be the death of her, or she’d be the death of him. Maybe today was that day.

This felt like now or never. The bit of whiskey still in his veins helped it be now. He stood up and moved quickly down the aisle to the sound of gasps and murmurs all around him.

***

“What are you doing?” Effie was stunned as he gripped her wrist.

“Excuse us,” Haymitch said directly to Seneca, then he pulled Effie out of the room down a long hallway.

She went willingly, chastising him in hushed tones along the way. “Haymitch! This is highly inappropriate!”

“More inappropriate than us having this conversation in front of the entire Capitol?”

“What conversation?”

He pulled her into a room down the hall.

“Not so tight!”

He loosened his grasp on her wrist but didn’t let go.

“What are you doing, Effie?”

“Do I need to state the obvious?”

“Marriage?? Why are you even WITH him?”

“I don’t owe you explanations — or anything else for that matter.”

She was right. She owed him nothing. His edge softened, and he stroked her wrist with his thumb. “Why are you marrying somebody you didn’t even look at as you walked down that aisle?”

“I LOOKED at him.”

“For about five seconds, and what did you see?”

She hesitated, “He’s wearing a tie, not an ascot. We had a dispute about it this week, and I insisted he wear the tie.”

“That’s what you’re thinking about on your wedding day when you see the man you’re about to marry — a goddamn tie?”

“Why are YOU giving ME the third degree! What are YOU thinking about on my wedding day?”

“I’m thinking about how much I hate Seneca Crane. I don’t want him marrying you. I don’t want you fucking him.”

“Well, that ship sailed! We’ve been having sex for months, not that it’s any of your business!”

“Not my business?”

“Absolutely not!”

He was burning with a mix of emotions: anger, jealousy, frustration, confusion, desire, fear. “If it’s not my business, then why did you ask me to ‘please come’ today? What am I doing here? ...If it’s not my business, then why did reading your wedding invitation make me puke. Why can’t I stop thinking about you? ...If it’s not my business, then why do I want to be the one to take this dress off you. I keep holding your wrist because if I let go, I’m gonna touch you, and what would your *fiancé* think about that? What would YOU think about that?”

He’d never confessed so much to her all at once, and she was in a mild state of shock about it. “Last summer you told me if we ‘fucked around’ then you’d have to pretend it means nothing. You told me you can’t pretend that, so where does that leave us?”

“I don’t know, honey.”

“I think you do. ...Let go of my wrist.”

“I told you what’s gonna happen if I let go.”

“Then let it happen.”

In a duality of reluctance and eagerness, he let go of her wrist and caressed her through the open back of her dress. She shivered and leaned into him. He wrapped his arms around her, touching every inch of skin he could reach.

The wig she wore resembled her actual hair color, light golden, like wheat before harvest. In this moment, she was an angel. He’d kiss her if she’d just shut up, but she had things to say too.

“If it’s not your business, then why am I still here with you instead of out there marrying Seneca?” Her tone softened. “Why do I close my eyes and picture you every time I kiss him and every time we have sex? ....If it’s not your business, then why do I miss you so much?”

“Jesus, Effie. What are you doing to me?”

“I don’t know, honey.”

“I think you do.”

***

From the doorway, Seneca cleared his throat. He’d been listening awhile. Effie tried to pull away from Haymitch, but first he had to untangle himself from the back of her dress.

“This isn’t quite what it looks like,” Effie laughed nervously.

“It looks like unfinished business,” Seneca said.

“Then it IS what it looks like,” Haymitch told him.

“Will you please excuse us?” Seneca asked, proper as fuck. “Effie and I have some things to discuss.”

“I’m not leaving.” Fear and desire for her wouldn’t budge.

“I’ll handle this,” she insisted. “Please wait in the hall.”

This was the Gamemaker’s house, his wedding, and his girl for god sake. What else could Haymitch do? Pull out his knife and slit the guy’s throat?? This was Effie’s world, not his. Without another word, he stepped out of the room, and he hated that she closed the door behind him.

Seneca confronted her, “I’ll say this quickly because our guests have already waited long enough. A marriage of convenience is prudent when the motivations for such a union are stronger than the desire for love. I’ve realized that’s not the case here. For me, and apparently not for you either.”

“Are you in love with someone else?”

“Someone my family regards as unsuitable. I’m sorry I didn’t speak about it sooner. I was afraid you wouldn’t understand.” He glanced at the door, “But I see that you do. Frankly, this interruption is an enormous relief.”

Effie was slightly miffed to realize that Seneca would not be pining for her, but the interruption did lift her feeling of dread. “I apologize as well. I haven’t been forthcoming with you, or with myself. What do we do now? The Capitol is expecting a wedding.”

“The Capitol is expecting a show, and they’re getting that. Let’s walk out there together and announce that we’ve decided to cancel the nuptials and move straight to the reception. It can still be the party of the year.”

“But my parents...”

“I’ll reimburse your father for his investment in this. It’s the right thing to do. I do care for you, Effie, but I should never have discussed marriage as a hypothetical, let alone proposed and let it get this far.”

He held out his hand. “Shall we? Before any more time passes.”

She threaded her fingers with his in solidarity.

When the door opened, Haymitch was still there in the hall, fuming now at the sight of them holding hands.

“Seneca, give me another minute,” she said.

He let go of her and took several steps away.

She touched Haymitch’s arm and spoke into his ear, “The wedding is off. But we need time to appease our families and everyone else. Meet me at 9 o’clock at The Popina on 6th St. Do you know the place?”

He’d never been there, but it was a good call. He doubted the press would look for him at a swanky wine bar. “I know the one.”

She whispered, “I said I don’t owe you anything, and you don’t owe me anything either. Regardless, this feeling between us isn’t going away.”

Seneca told him, “Keep following this hallway as it bends to the right. You’ll eventually reach a side door you can take out of here if you want...”

Haymitch didn’t trust him and didn’t want to leave.

“...Unless you’d prefer a walk back down the red carpet with the other guests.”

I don’t.

Effie urged him to go. “I need to set this right. Please don’t make this harder for me than it already is.”

“I don’t wanna run out in the middle of a pile of shit.”

“Language! This wedding is not a pile of anything. It’s an event we need to finish differently than expected. Will you trust me?”

“Fine.” He answered without conviction, turning away so he wouldn’t have to watch them link hands again. Holding the handle of the knife in his pocket, he followed the hallway to the side door and left all that nonsense behind him. Did he trust her?? If she walked into that bar tonight without a rock on her finger, then maybe he just might.

***

Afterward, the red carpet commentary indeed made for a more interesting show.

“The only thing more exciting than a wedding,” said Caesar, “Is a kiss at the altar between the bride and groom after they’ve CALLED OFF the ceremony!”

“You may now kiss the woman in white who is no longer your bride!”

“Oh, Claudius, you’re so cheeky!”

“I can honestly say I’ve never seen a couple more happy to be NOT married.”

“Did somebody bring the sun INSIDE the palace? Because they were positively glowing.”

“The reception is still on, and did you hear their words about it?”

“Caesar, I was on the edge of my seat, and I couldn’t miss them, but say them again.”

“Seneca began, ‘May 1st, May Day, is not just one of folktales. Mayday was a cry of distress during war, terrible war. The Capitol responded and transformed that distress into peace.’

“Then...”

“Then Effie continued, ‘Instead of celebrating a wedding, we’ve decided to transform the reception we’d planned into a festival honoring the glory of the Capitol. Panem today, Panem tomorrow, Panem forever.’”

“Don’t you just love that?”

“I DO! I absolutely do!”

“Well, that’s the only ‘I do’ that we’ll be hearing this afternoon!”

Hysterical laughter ensued between the two.

“Claudius, the question on everyone’s mind revolves around the influence of a certain mentor from District 12.”

“Yes. Haymitch Abernathy interrupted the ceremony.”

“He pulled Effie away, and Seneca followed. When the couple returned hand-in-hand, they called off the wedding. The mystery is, what happened in between?”

“As you said earlier, we never know what to expect from Haymitch. That one is a wildcard.”

“We’ve been waiting for him to emerge from the palace so we can ask him, but as we noted before, he is a man of few words.”

“Maybe we’ll catch him at the reception.”

“The festival!”

“The festival, of course!”

***

By 10 o’clock, Haymitch had read the sign on the wall a hundred times. “Hedone says, ‘You can drink here for one; if you give two, you will drink better; if you give four, you will drink Falernian.”

‘Hedone’ he recognized as the Roman goddess of pleasure. He thought pleasure would be a fine devotion if it wasn’t pursued at the cost of other people’s lives or pursued to chase away demons. He was already chasing one bottle of Falernian with another. “Damn Capitol wine doesn’t get you drunk unless you chug two bottles. And this is the best they’ve got?”

He’d been there a couple of hours. During that time, his attention was divided between that sign reflecting on hedonism and the screen showing footage of Effie’s non-wedding reception.

They were *saving face* alright. Haymitch had rarely seen Effie kiss anyone, and tonight he’d watched her kiss her *former* fiancé every time someone clinked a glass. The kisses were pecks mostly, a game they were probably playing to host a fun party and show the Capitol there were no hard feelings between them. But as the kisses added up, Haymitch’s dislike for Seneca Crane became more palpable.

“Slide a bit,” she said, showing up beside him. She was hiding in a simple dress and a light layer of makeup. Her hair was pulled back beneath a scarf instead of a wig.

He scooted over, making room for her at his booth in back. “You’re late, sweetheart. Did Crane kiss all that makeup off your face?”

“And you’re drunk.” She caressed the back of his neck, content to be with him right now, drunk or not.

“Wasn’t drunk an hour ago after the first bottle of this Falernian shit. But the more you drink, the better it tastes.”

She drank from his glass, and he didn’t object. From his perspective right now, she could drink straight from his mouth or off his body.

He encircled her waist, pulling her as close as the setting allowed. He was relieved to see that she wasn’t married. His inhibitions were reduced, so she could do just about anything to him right now, and he wouldn’t object. He tried not to think about her having that kind of power.

She stroked his arm wrapped around her. “There’s a rumor circulating about you.”

“Oh yeah? What is it?” He kissed her neck after each question. “Do they think I’m fucking you?”

She giggled because the hair on his face tickled her skin and because she was anticipating his response. “Not quite, honey.”

“What then?”

“They think you’re fucking Seneca.”

“What the hell?!!”

“Caesar and Claudius predicted ‘the mentor from District 12 is having a torrid affair with the Head Gamemaker,’ and you pulled me away from the wedding in the hopes of taking my place at the altar.”

“They’re lunatics.”

“It’s a risky move breaking up a wedding. Who knows what people will say.”

“What do YOU say?”

“I say you look at my breasts far too often for you to be interested in Seneca Crane,” she chuckled.

“And what do you say about me breaking up your wedding?”

As she looked into his eyes, there was no approximation, no almost. It was a relief to not have to *pretend* that he was the one she wanted, but to just KNOW it. “I say, thank you. ...Sweetheart.”

What fantasies and real desires would be accessible with him? She’d know more in time.

Incredibly long, overly detailed post I spent too much time on.

Tl:dr AITA for telling someone they were coming off as an ungrateful, privileged asshole who didn't seem to recognize or truly appreciate what they have? I blew up after a series of encounters, they seemed oblivious to their lifestyle and support and how truly different life could have turned out without it. I called them out after weeks of trying to be empathetic but couldn't take how helpless they were acting when I would kill for the kind the support they were complaining about and taking for granted.  

I should use a throwaway because I know this person will probably see this but I don't have the energy. I'll try to keep this short (actually super long sorry) I feel like I already know I was sort of harsh and out of line. This whole thing has just been sticking with me and I feel really messed up about it.  

Alright, so context, back story. I had a breakdown in February and tried to kill myself. By some miracle, I got a bed at one of the best mental hospitals on this side of the east coast. After a long history of chronic mental illness, being on disability for years with medicare, getting an opportunity like this was amazing. I had been on waiting lists for months before my attempt, but fate, acuity, and availability all lined up. A true miracle. Unless you have a family with money or amazing health insurance, getting a bed is just extremely difficult at this particular facility.  

The reason being, they provide real treatment. Comprehensive, attentive, life-saving treatment. They actually provide real care with empathy, actual therapy, psychiatry, and groups, with educated staff, real food to eat, world-renowned providers, and treatment teams that listen and work with you to come up with effective long-term solutions/aftercare plans that set you up for long term success.  

Out of pocket, this place is unfathomably expensive. The more exclusive programs on-campus are for the ultra-elite/ ultra-wealthy, taking celebrities like Selena Gomez. The institution itself is known for its education and research. It is not funded by the state like almost everywhere else. Most state-run facilities are atrocious. a disgusting holding cell, where you're stripped of your clothes, dignity, and rights, fed prison food, overmedicated, physically and chemically restrained, only to be thrown back on the street in 3-5 days with no aftercare, med refills, or plan. Been there, done that, many times, not the point. The point was, I got some really helpful expensive ass treatment by the luck of the draw.  

While I was there, I met someone lovely. We instantly connected and expressed interest in one another. They seemed really cool, we talked at length about income inequality and how unfair it was that this kind of treatment wasn't the norm or easily accessible and how unfair that was. They seemed passionate and bright and we got along great. They were set to discharge only a few days after I got there, so we exchanged info before they left. We talked a bunch while I was still there (my discharge was a couple of weeks later) and decided to go on a few dates after I got out.  

A few days after I got out, I unintendedly overdosed, confused about my meds, and was incoherent by the time I got to the ER. I was restrained and chemically sedated. I was confused and fought so was deemed severely acute, and got sent to a state-run facility similar to what I described above. It was all very traumatic and I shut down once I got home. I was lucky I made it out semi-okay, that they let me out at all.  

I wasn't replying to anyone's messages but the person I had met kept reaching out wanting to hear from me and make sure I was okay. I was embarrassed but it was really sweet and soon we starting talking a lot again and really connecting.  

As I got to know them, I definitely thought they were very cool, we seemed to have a lot in common, they made me laugh and we got along really well. I was really digging them and saw us potentially becoming a thing.  After talking for some time, we decided to anxiously have our first date. It went okay but something was off.  

I didn't really pick up on it at first but the more we talked, the more privileged they offhandedly revealed they were. I know it's judge-y and lame, but that kind of put me off. I've been poor my whole life and struggled hard for everything, it's a whole different world living in poverty, so it made me a bit uncomfortable.  I still live in poverty, on disability, with food stamps, and can barely hold it together enough to have a part-time job, but I have no choice. It's rough. I've been homeless, lived in institutions, went through foster care, and have no familial support. I have one of the most serious debilitating mental illnesses. It's been very very hard.  

I am biased but I haven't met anyone well off who gets it. Some people don't realize how hard things can be when you've really had nothing, and had to work hard for everything. Even simple things are taken for granted, not understood, or there are miscommunications or assumptions made due to the lack of understanding. That's just my personal experience, it's hard trying to explain things and it's invalidating sometimes, it can be hard to relate or connect due to the lack of understanding.  

Honestly, though, it took me by surprise. We had both talked passionately about the struggles of being on disability, the importance of income inequality, how unfair the system is set up, the barriers against the poor receiving adequate mental health treatment. They explained how they advocated for social justice and regularly went to protests. I felt dumb because I did meet them at higher-end facility, but I assumed they ended up there by dumb luck as I did with how they presented and initially came across.  

They made it seem like we were in the same boat, poor af, chronically mentally ill, and 4 ever struggling. It was just a surprise because that was very much was not the case.  

They moved up here from Florida, (where admittedly their life was much harder and different), but since moving, they were being supported by their aunt and uncle, who were very, very well off. They had a very expensive private practice psychiatrist, multiple treatment providers, and an apartment in a very well-off area, that their aunt owned, so they paid no rent.  Their car/insurance/phone everything was paid for.  

They seemed to have money to burn, dancing around being well taken care of and not really having to worry. They were on disability though receiving payments and food stamps in addition, not reporting the assistance from their family. When I lightly inquired, they said their grandmother mostly controlled their finances and they didn't deal with bills etc. They spent freely, getting take out almost every night, etc. enjoying all the pleasure of life without a second thought.  

I was uncomfortable with this like I said, but they did seem cool and understanding, we did get along and I wanted to give them a chance. I put my biased experience aside and tried to give it a go.  

First example that really blew me away was their dog. They had several animals, including a cat and two dogs. Even for someone working, three animals is a huge expense. I only have one cat and while she's my world, it gets hard sometimes. The vet is expensive, litter, food, treats, it adds up. And she's only one animal!!! I provide for her and take care of her, but a $350 vet bill still packs a punch. Of course, I pay it, she's my baby, but it might mean only eating sandwiches for a few weeks. I love her, so I sacrifice, she is worth it in every way, but animals are expensive and a lot of work/responsibility.  

When this person and I first started seriously talking, they mentioned the dog they were closest to was very sick with a rare condition. I don't know the full details, but I guess it took a while for the vet to figure out what was wrong, he was on a lot of medications, needed loads of tests and scans. There were weeks of extensive treatments/ blood transfusions, all in a long, painful, and strenuous attempt to save him. They tried for a long time in the hopes he would get better.  

He, unfortunately, passed away a few weeks after we started talking. It was devastating to them and I tried my best to be supportive and help them grieve. They were understandably at a huge loss. Their mental health tanked. Their dog meant the world to them, I understand that completely. Pets are family.    

A few weeks after he passed. They were talking a little about the course of treatment and how hard it had been and what a long, painful road it was. They kind of casually remarked that his treatment cost over $20,000.  

I honestly thought I had misheard. I had to ask twice because I thought they meant $2,000. No. $20,000. $20,000.Holy shit.    

I just...$20,000 is what I make in a year. A year. Dogs are family, I totally, totally get that. People will do anything to save their loved ones. A pet is like an uninsured child, even with pet insurance, it can be expensive. I get that. If you have that kind of money, you pay it, without a thought, no problem.  

I just... wow. I still couldn't even wrap my mind around it. My cat is my world but it breaks my heart to say, if anything happened to her like that, it would kill me, but I would be forced to put her down. I just couldn't believe, $20,000. And they said it like, no big deal, of course, like anyone would/could afford that, it was obvious, a no-brainer. I just...wow.  

Next, kicker. I  came over to hang out one night and watch movies. I had never been to their apartment before. They claimed it had been super messy and they made a big deal about how they had cleaned for me. Sweet, but unnecessary, I get mental illness is tough. It was two bedrooms, all to themselves, decent space and light, but definitely scattered and cluttered. They had a huge king-sized bed, a bidet in the bathroom, and a super nice living room set up. Big comfy couch, loads of nice blankets, and honestly the biggest tv I had ever seen. They joking bragged about having all the streaming options. No kidding. Hulu, Disney plus, Netflix, Amazon, HBO, Paramount, and at least half a dozen more I hadn't even heard of. It just seemed crazy and excessive paying for that many streaming services every month.  But to each their own I guess.

We were both huge fans of anime, and they sort of decided to venture to studio ghibli. They asked if I had seen a particular favorite of theirs. I hadn't. They searched and it was only available to rent. $17. I nearly had a heart attack. I was like no way, we could definitely find it streaming for free somewhere if we look, or watch something else, shortage of options. They were like no it's no biggie that's what I want to watch and clicked rent. Like no problem *sweats intensely* Anytime I spend money, I have a heart attack and second guess it, it takes me like 10 minutes to click buy and my heart always drops when I do. I overthink, whether I really need/deserve it/whether there's a cheaper option, or if it's truly necessary. I know that's a poverty thing. It's just like we could have easily found it somewhere for free with a little effort!  

We go to order food, we both have celiac so finding takeout is a chore. They knew the area better so I was trusting them. They were very adamant about ordering expensive sushi. It was $36 for just one of the things they wanted. Not including delivery or tips or fees or anything else, which included appetizers and drinks, the whole nine. I wasn't feeling sushi. They were like fine, we'll order from two separate places then. Double the delivery fee, not something I ever do, it would be cheaper finding a place together, I could get something small and affordable but they wouldn't budge. I didn't really have money to order a big thing on my own, I wanted something small, but I felt pressured. I figured anything I got would be cheaper than having to split a big sushi order I didn't want. I was like okay fine.  

They kind of seemed annoyed that I didn't just give in and get sushi. They were a little short with me, didn't give me many options of other places, and were weirdly controlling, not letting me look at their phone to find something. I kind of gave up and said like just a burger is fine. I figured it would be cheap and filling, probably $20 max. I didn't take into consideration that they live in an extremely expensive area. It ended up being almost $30, plus tip. For a burger. I almost wanted to cry. I would have picked somewhere else cheaper given the option. They didn't even tell me the price until after they ordered it. I was like oh how much like $15 and they were so casual like oh no, $30 with tip. When it arrived, it was cold and disgusting, really inedible. I picked at the fries, which gave me a stomach ache as they were not gluten-free friendly and had been cross-contaminated in the fryer. I assumed they picked a place that they knew was safe.  

When I wasn't eating, they asked if it was bad. I said yeah and they were like oh well just order something else. Like no, I can't afford anything else, it doesn't work like that. I was like no it's fine I'm not really that hungry. I wanted to say, I trusted you, and you kinda fucked me. I guess they picked that place because there was a gluten-free brownie sundae (prepackaged and not cross-contaminated) on the menu that they really wanted. Obviously more important.  

My stomach ached all night. They ate their food happily. No big deal to them, $30 wasted on food I didn't really want, that I couldn't end up eating and got me sick. If it were them, they would have just ordered something else. No big deal to them. It was more important they got their brownie sundae and expensive sushi than making sure I was able to get something edible. Didn't matter that was half my grocery money for the week. Bologna sandwiches it'll have to be then. Awesome.  

We spent the night talking, I didn't let on to how sick I was or that I was upset about not being able to choose food. They picked all the movies. I wanted to go home, but it just got later and later, one more movie I just *needed* to see. I asked them several times as the clock was ticking if it was getting too late to drive me home. No, no they were fine. Let's just watch another one. Then casually, they went to their room and brought out their night meds, threw 'em back, and settled into the couch. I started to panic. I asked again, you're taking me home, right? I guess they decided they weren't. I was miles away from home, no public transit running or close by. They were like oh I'm so tired, it got so late. Just order a car. I pulled up uber, $25. That would definitely overdraft my account.  

Thankfully, after they saw me sweating and looking panicked, they were like, oh, I feel so bad, I'll order the uber for you. (If they hadn’t, I would have had to explain like, getting home on my own wasn't the plan nor was staying the night. If they thought I would be cool with just staying, they should have said something, if they wanted me to stay, it should have been a discussion, not a surprise.)  

I just felt really disrespected. I was simultaneously hungry and sick from dinner, broke and unprepared to stay over with no prior discussion. I didn't have meds, my cat didn't have food out, I was blindsided and essentially stranded/put in an awkward position. They didn't consider that it might be stressful or beyond my limitations to get home. Being able to just roll with punches isn't financially feasible for everyone. It just felt like they were self-centered and inconsiderate. The whole night was what they wanted, what they wanted to eat, where they wanted to order from, what they wanted to watch, changing plans to what was convenient for them without any regard toward how it might impact me. Just inconsiderate and self-centered behavior.  

We did keep talking though, I just sort of chalked it up to miscommunication and sort of beat myself up for not speaking up. It was weird though, kept just casually mentioning shit that was so privileged and complaining about shit that made them sound so ungrateful. I don't think they realized how it came across, just completely oblivious to their access to resources and not appreciating their position or supports.  

They started talking about starting ketamine treatments to combat their ongoing depression. They had received them in the past and went on about how life-changing and helpful it was, and that everyone should try it. Now, being on disability (and even with most insurances) the treatments are not covered. The clinics that administer them are all out of pocket, bougie as fuck, and extremely expensive.  

They talked about having several rounds in the past like it was nothing. It's easily $250-400 a pop and they were going 1-2x a week for a long time. They kept talking about all their options like what a painstaking burden. Should they start with lozenges and work up to IV clinic or ask for patches, and start that way. They wanted to work up to twice a week again but their family was giving pushback. They wanted me to agree with them, saying it was so unfair and lame and unreasonable/closeminded of their family for not immediately agreeing. The same family that would be footing the bill.  No, not unfair or unreasonable at all. You sound privileged as fuck.  

I was super bothered they were endlessly going on about it and complaining about pushback and asking me to agree with them. My treatment-resistant depression hasn't responded to anything, I've been on every waiting list for MDMA-assisted treatment whenever they pop up but never been selected due to demand and availability. Even ECT is too expensive and not covered. I'd kill for an opportunity like that! And it wasn't even like their family was saying no, they were discussing it in family therapy and seriously considering it.  

They talked about it so nonchalantly and kept going on and on about how amazing it was. Like great, tell me all about something else I'll never be able to afford. I'm sure Paris is great, and backpacking across Europe is awesome, like please do tell me more.  

I finally mentioned like okay that sounds great, will never able to afford it, glad it's so helpful They told me that I could just buy it off the street. That's what they used to do occasionally. It's only a couple hundred dollars and you get way more. Like oh okay. Let me just not pay a third of my rent in the hopes that this jam band kids ketamine isn't fentanyl or some shit and maybe have a shot at not wanting to kill myself for a week, you know on the off chance it works. Sounds great, super safe, much more affordable. And like as ridiculous as it was to offer that as an alternative, that still wouldn't be something I could afford! They just came off so clueless and privileged and oblivious.

What really got me was how they eventually talked about their family. They did weekly family therapy with their aunt and uncle and occasionally their dad since moving up here. They stayed with their aunt and uncle (lived down the street) more often than not so they weren't alone. This was encouraged/appreciated/welcomed. They did activities together regularly to help with depression and loneliness/ managing symptoms. They had their grandma and brother, whom they saw often and cherished greatly. They portrayed the relationships as really solid and important. I thought wow, truly wholesome and wonderful.  They seemed so loved, close, connected, cared for, and supported. Across the board, they had support.  

But then tables would turn. They complained often their family was too close, too conservative, and not understanding. They didn't want them so involved in their life, their treatment, decision-making, and recovery process. They resented the support, complained they weren't a kid and were capable/in sound mind to make decisions/have control of their life. I tried to listen and be understanding but I didn't get it. They came off almost like a spoiled, ungrateful teenager.  

You're getting help, love, and support all around, everyone wants to support you and see you do well and will give whatever that takes. Like legitimately whatever ?!?  You don't have to work, pay for anything, and it is made sure you don't have to struggle for anything. Anything you need, you've got.  

I get the concept that having family so close/involved could be crippling or invasive or just downright unproductive. But it was such a slap in the face they would complain to me of all people about having that kind of support.  

Family/support is such a foreign concept to me personally. Like I said, I grew up in foster care. I've never had family involved, healthy relationships, or any sort of support like that. The concept of calling your aunt when you're sad and she offers kind words, support, and tells you to come over to do something fun? Like, can't relate. I could only take so much of them complaining about being taken care of.  

Living with extreme mental illness, not being able to work for periods of time, living solely on disability paychecks and food stamps is damn is impossible to survive, especially where we live. Without the help they were being given, they wouldn't be able to survive. The cost of living is out of control, you can't even rent a room with a single disability payment. I know, I'm doing it. It takes everything for me to keep a part-time job, barely making enough to make ends meet. But if I don't. I'm homeless again. No matter what, no matter how bad symptoms get. And I have one of the hardest, most debilitating mental illnesses. I don't have any other choice.  

Their aunt would pay for them to go to school or learn a trade or anything they wanted. They have a world-renowned private practice doctor that prescribes them literally anything they could want or need to help and they have a great bond/ working relationship. I have a psych who can barely remember my name and sees me for 5-15 minutes maybe once or twice a month. I was asking for medications recently to get through a hard time, nothing serious, but my state-assigned psych does not prescribe benzos. Period. Neither does my PCP. It's state rehab or psych facility for me or bust. Another thing they take for granted. They almost bragged to me about immediately getting two heavy-duty benzos and another maintenance medication,  just by saying their panic attacks were slighting increasing. Meanwhile. I was at risk for DT's after relapsing and begging for basic Librium to maybe not die and was denied.  

The real reality of being on disability is the bare minimum or bad treatment. My psychologist is thankfully amazing but it took 10 years and hitting absolute rock bottom and being homeless to find her. She's a diamond in the rough but only works with the sickest of the sick. I would be in a state institution right now if it weren't for her and I avoided it by the skin of my teeth.  

So here's where I'm probably the asshole. After weeks, I broke. We were texting as usual and they started to sort of mope and complain. They were venting about having a hard time again and how symptoms were bad and there was just nothing they could do and it was so hard. They started going on about how helpless they were and how there was no opportunity to get better and everything was just super hard and impossible for them and how rough they had it. Their family was checking in on them too much and they were annoyed at them for being concerned and that they had no options and no chance and everything was just so hard and impossible.  

I understand, that's depression. I'm pretty empathetic and understanding and have been up to this point but it just felt like the rich person complaining to the homeless guy sleeping on the street, how awful it was they forgot their umbrella that day, and how unfortunate it was to be getting wet. I just wanted to scream. If you're anxious take your benzos, take your other meds! Call your aunt. Text your on call therapist. Call your fancy psych who answers night and day. Utilize any of the resources you have and all the support you are given!    

I was just tired of it. Things in my life have been super difficult, especially lately, and I have to figure it out alone. The voices were getting loud again which lead to a bad relapse that went off the rails, which I had to pull out of completely unassisted. I am in between jobs, my housing isn't stable, my bank accounts are low, my mental health is chronic and very severe, my treatment team was threatening to section me if I didn't reel it in. Things were bad. But I deal with it, alone.    

I know it was wrong of me, but I couldn't take it. They have everything to help themselves!!! They could go to a fancy hospital, they could ask all their supports for help! They would receive the best care. All the medicines, the best treatment. Anything.  

I basically kind of spelled it out for them. You have privilege, you have support, you have money, resources, a great treatment team, family, everything... please for the love of God, USE IT! You wouldn't have to worry about losing your job going into treatment, you wouldn't lose your housing. You wouldn't have to worry about falling behind on bills. You'd be fine.  

How can you not see or appreciate all you have and or see how oblivious and privileged you come across and how hurtful that is? You're complaining to the wrong person.

I went on a bit too long. I was definitely coming from a place of hurt, mental illness, and jealousy. I wasn't trying to make them feel bad, I just wanted them to understand. That kind of support would make all the difference for so many that are struggling. They are sitting with gallons of water around them, complaining to be inconsolably parched and that don't know what to do, all while sort of offhandedly bragging about how much water they have and how they can easily get more. I've been carefully conserving a 16 oz Poland spring bottle, rationing for weeks not knowing if/when I will be able to refill. They aren't alone, expected to make it on just disability. They weren't recognizing their position, how they were coming across, how hurtful that was. I didn't get anyone to catch me, love me, support me. This is the real reality of living with extreme mental illness on disability looks like without that opportunity or support. This is hard fucking work. We are not the same. You got lucky. Now do something with it.

They ended up calling me a dick, saying I didn't understand, that I was being cruel and mean for no reason. We haven't talked since. I do feel bad, I just couldn't take it anymore.  

So if you made it this far, lay it on me, AITA?      

I’m skipping the middleman on that trans ask game and just answering all the questions myself <3

this is long so it’s under a read more

1. How did you choose your name?

in senior year of high school, while I was in french class, I was thinking about the word vivre, to live, and how it conjugated. I forget what tense it is, but one way of conjugating it is “nous vivions”, and it dawned on me that the name vivian is based on the word vivre (or its latin origin). of course, I already liked the name due to the character from paper mario ttyd, but knowing that it means life really spoke to me, as I think the ability to live is a precious thing that shouldn’t be wasted. I decided pretty much then and there that I would name my daughter vivian some day. well... then I got the chance to play a character in my friend’s danganronpa killing game, and I thought playing a girl would be interesting. granted, I also already knew I was an egg and saw this as an opportunity to try out my favorite name, so I created vivian tamochi. as you might have guessed, I loved being her so much that I made vivian my actual name

2. What gives you the most dysphoria?

um, hearing recordings of my own voice probably. I always think that I sound very feminine but then I hear a recording of myself and it sounds like a bad impression

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?

more social I guess? actually yeah I think all of the dysphoria-induced breakdowns I’ve had have been because of social things

4. What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric?

something that helps a lot is shaving, especially when it’s a fullbody shave

5. What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?

this is a bit embarrassing but it was honestly christmas eve 2018. I saw my little cousin (I think she was 8 at the time) wearing a pretty dress and I felt sort of jealous that I never got to do that when I was her age. I was so confused about this feeling that I told my trans friend kyra about it and after asking me to clarify what I meant she linked me to the egg_irl subreddit. that was the first time I seriously considered it

6. When did you realize you were transgender?

I told my friend amanda how I’d been confused about my gender and she offered to take me to goodwill to try on some clothes. I was extremely nervous about it while we were there and I really had to work up the courage to not only pick out some clothes to try, but also take them to the fitting room with me. but once I put on a skirt for the first time I stood there for like a solid 5 minutes just looking at myself in the mirror with the biggest happiest smile on my face. in that moment I finally understood what gender euphoria was. I couldn’t deny I was trans any longer, it was just a matter of working up the courage to tell people

7. What is your favorite part of being transgender?

um, probably that I feel like a person now. also the little things, like seeing my hips get bigger or looking at how long my hair has gotten. just little things to smile about!

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?

um, I’m girl <3

9. How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?

I mean it depends on who, but I decided to do it on national coming out day 2019, in my discord server with friends. basically I commented on it being national coming out day and reposted my intro in the introductions channel with my new name and pronouns. everyone there sorta saw it coming I’m pretty sure

10. What have your experiences been with packing or tucking?

I’ve tucked a few times in public. it’s uncomfortable for sure, but not terrible once you get used to it. the idea of it made me squeamish at first, I’ll admit. but since I haven’t had much excuse to go out in girlmode the past year or so, I haven’t tucked much

11. What are your experiences with binding or wearing breast forms?

the closest I’ve ever gotten to wearing breast forms is wearing a bra every day for..... almost a year now? it doesn’t serve much purpose other than letting me feel something there, though that is changing since I’ve been on hrt for several months

12. Do you pass?

I mean... probably not? I feel like I’m very visibly trans. there have been like two times where I’ve been gendered correctly in public (one in girlmode, one not) but those are extremely rare

13. What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?

well I’ve been on hrt for 8 months now so that’s one thing. I want to get laser hair removal for my facial hair because that’s one of the biggest sources of dysphoria for me, but yknow. that’s expensive! according to my understanding my insurance supposedly should cover bottom surgery, but I’m honestly in no rush to get that. I don’t really have much bottom dysphoria, but it would be nice to get surgery some day

14. How long have you been out?

it’s been about a year and two months now...... time flies

15. What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?

up until I was like 17 I was incredibly insistent on being cis and straight despite very obvious (in retrospect) signs to the contrary. around 18 I was very confused why all my friends were lgbt in some form and also I kinda started realizing I don’t mind dick, and I thought it would all make sense if I was bi. I identified as cis and bi for like 4 years or so but the longer it went on the more wrong it felt considering I had never once during that time been attracted to a man

16. Have you ever experienced transphobia?

surprisingly not really? the most transphobia I’ve experienced has been a result of automated processes like proctored testing or emails. of course, I’ve seen all the nasty shit that terfs say about people like me, but I’ve never been a victim of it directly

17. What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?

if there is a universal restroom that I can lock from inside then I use that. if not, I sigh dramatically and sadly use the men’s room

18. How does your family feel about your trans identity?

truthfully I don’t know. my mom seems accepting enough, but with the pandemic going on I haven’t talked to her much. I know my sister is aware, and shockingly she seems supportive too, but we haven’t talked about it in depth

19. Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?

if I could go stealth I would. I’m sorry but I don’t want to be visibly trans

20. What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?

the sooner you start transitioning the happier you’ll be. by denying this part of yourself you’re just making yourself miserable

21. Why do you use the pronouns you use?

she/her makes me happiest. I’ve (against my will, mind you) used they/them and been called molsno in a group that I wasn’t out in, and..... it made me feel..... distant, I guess? it was better than he/him, but it felt much less personal

22. Do your neurodivergencies and/or disabilities affect your gender?

I mean...... yeah? as a trans lesbian it’s very easy for me to hate masculinity given how it’s instilled nothing but negative feelings in me literally my entire life, and being autistic makes it harder to understand how the things I say about gender negatively impact the people around me

23. What’s your biggest trans-related fear?

the fear that I may never be able to believe I can be loved as a woman, probably

24. What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?

coming out nearly everywhere and getting on hrt!

25. What do you wish cis people understood?

I desperately wish cis people understood even the basics of trans issues. still to this day many cis people don’t even know the right terminology to use for trans people. they think “trans man” and “trans woman” mean the opposite of what they actually mean and that’s just so goddamn frustrating. many of them think transitioning is just bottom surgery and that’s it. like, they don’t know anything about hrt. cis people please educate yourselves on trans issues I’m begging you

26. What impact has being trans had on your life?

it’s affected many aspects of my life but I think the biggest one is that I feel like a person now. I always felt like a robot, or like someone putting on a performance before, but I feel like a human being now

27. What do you do to validate yourself?

ummm... not much really. I guess one thing that has helped is making my character astrid trans? because if I ever think something bad about myself I can stop myself and ask if I would think the same thing about her, and of course the answer is no.

28. How do you feel about trans representation in media?

it’s bad. trans women very rarely get any positive representation. like the only transfem characters that come to mind that I think were handled well were lily hoshikawa from zombieland saga and vivian from paper mario (although even that’s debatable given the english censorship about her gender and the way beldam abuses her in japanese). meanwhile nonbinary representation consists almost exclusively of aliens, shapeshifters, robots, etc. and trans men get literally nothing. like. trans representation is just so abysmal it’s not even funny

29. Who is your favorite trans celebrity?

umm....... I don’t really care about celebrities lol. if I were to answer this question it would be “oh yes I’ve heard of these people”

30. Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?

gosh, how could I ever decide? most of my friends are trans so it’s hard to say but if I had to answer.... my friends kyra and modeus were probably the most helpful when I was figuring myself out

31. How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?

mostly online

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

I’ll almost certainly still be a woman, and hopefully my transition will have gone well enough that I’ll be able to pass

33. What trans issue are you most passionate about?

healthcare. the difficulty so many people face with getting access to trans healthcare is ridiculous and discriminatory. I’ve written essays for school about this topic and they were the easiest essays I’ve had to write because of how passionate I am about this

34. What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?

pick your head up queen/king/royal, your cat ears are falling down

35. How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?

well I’m white, able bodied, average weight, and I’m about to get a degree in computer science, so I have a lot of privilege that other trans people don’t have. I fully recognize that. it breaks my heart that so many less privileged trans people, particularly trans women of color, are murdered and never even get the justice they deserve. I wish there was more I could do to stop it, but privileged as I am, I’m only one person. I want everyone to be aware of who the major victims of transphobia are. look out for black trans women especially, they need your protection and support most of all

36. What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?

not much. I’m a woman with a very feminine gender expression, when I’m free to be. the biggest feminine thing that I don’t do is makeup, but that’s more due to dysphoria rather than a distaste for it

37. Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?

feminine uwu

38. What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?

I am a lesbian and that is very epic of me. I love girls and seeing girls in love makes me happy and imagining myself as a girl in love with another girl makes me even happier

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?

I always hate admitting this, but due to personal reasons, my ideal partner is cis. this is mostly because I very much want to have biological children, and that’s simply not possible with another trans woman. I wouldn’t rule out an afab nonbinary person entirely, it just really depends on how comfortable said person is with femininity and also how they feel about dating a lesbian. if not for my desire to have kids (which is not something I’m willing to compromise on since it has been my lifelong dream) I would have a lot more options. truth be told, cis women kind of scare me, and it would be so much easier to date someone who fundamentally understands what it’s like to be trans. but biology is cruel unfortunately

40. How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

it was incredibly difficult. thankfully, it didn’t last very long. I only had to wait about 6 months, and most of that time was spent waiting until I was able to bank sperm because I didn’t want to risk becoming permanently infertile after starting hrt

41. What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?

ngl...... reddit. the trans boards have many, many helpful resources for transfem people. I don’t really go there anymore but it was immensely helpful in the early stages

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?

I mean..... yeah, but not very much anymore on account of the pandemic. I made a few trans friends junior year of college and we still talk occasionally, but it’s been several months since I last saw them all

43. Are you involved in any trans-related activism?

not really 😔

44. Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer.

“Wow Vivi how come you’re so epic?”

I was born this way <3

Meet Me at the Chalet || bonus.

Eventual pairing: Tom Hiddleston x OFC (Jenessee Borosi)

Word count: ~3.4k

Summary (I suck at these): Jenessee goes on a solo vacation after the release of her first novel. She got a little more than she bargained for when she gets snowed in with her biggest celebrity crush.

Warnings: Fluff but what’s new?

A/N: Because I have slight OCD, I decided to write just one more chapter so this series can be an even 10 parts. Now I can put this story to rest at last. Thank you for reading this series. It means more to me than any words could say.

night one. || day one. || day two. || day three. || day four. || day five. || day six. || last day. || one year later. || epilogue. || bonus. ||

three years later…

Light buzzing of the airplane’s engines fill the air as it flies us through the air to an unknown destination. My wonderful man has refused to tell me where we are currently flying to, ever the lover of surprising me.

The last five years have been the hardest but most rewarding of my life. After my relationship with Tom became public, my life changed overnight. Suddenly, everyone wanted to know who I was, where I came from, and everything that was happening in my life. My followers and book sales skyrocketed after the Late Late show which thrilled my publicist to no end. Every media outlet wanted to interview me and do a story of “the woman who snatched one of Hollywood’s most eligible bachelors.” I had interview after interview having to repeat our love story countless times for everyone who asked. It grew tiring but I was also exhilarated. I finally got the opportunity to boast about how amazing Tom truly was. The fans got a glance at the man behind the mask, so to speak.

Wherever I went, people would follow me and want to take pictures and ask me questions about Tom. At first it was overwhelming. There were a lot of difficult days following. Especially when I read the negative comments and reactions. I knew there would be and I tried to brace myself for the worst possible thing anyone could say about me but nothing could have prepared me for the real thing. Faceless people calling me a gold-digger among other comments on my appearance, saying I’m using Tom for fame and how we made up the story for publicity claiming that since I’m a writer I could “spin anything to make it sell.” It seemed to be never-ending. Every time I tried to focus on the positive, supportive people one of the negatives would pop up and ruin any sense of confidence I had built.

Tom would try and distract me from it as best as he could, but when he wasn’t physically there with me, nothing could shake the depression it would send me into.

After a few months, I had had enough. I disabled the comments on my Instagram posts and turned off all notifications for all social media. I no longer wanted the negativity to take over my life as it had.  It was also having an adverse effect on my relationship. That was our first hurdle that we faced together. He didn’t want to tell me what to do, knowing I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself no matter how much he wanted to protect me, but he finally drew the line. He made a statement on his social media, telling the fans he loves so much to stop with the outrageously false comments, to consider my feelings and how their words affect me when they start typing, and that if they weren’t going to be supportive of the woman he is choosing to spend his life with then they are not true fans of his. Following his statement was when I disabled everything. From that moment on, our relationship went back to how it was before we went public.

A pair of lips awoke me from my daydreaming. “How’s our littlest flier?” Tom’s baritone whisper invaded my ears but not disturbing the smallest passenger on the private plane.

I glance down at the sleeping 7 month old with my dark hair and Tom’s curls. “He’s sleeping like a champ as usual.”

He smiles proudly as he sits next to me, reaching for my hand. He plays with the rings that adorn my ring finger that he gave me 2 1/2 years and 1 1/2 years ago. “And how’s my beautiful wife?”

Memories of those two magnificent days always bring me the greatest joy.

Seeing him slowly go down on his knee in front of the fireplace at the Chalet, him declaring his “everlasting love” and how much his life has felt “more fulfilled since meeting me at the chalet,” how big of a surprise I’ve been to him, how much he’s loved every minute of our lives together, and how he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me. The pure love and joy he exhibited on his face the moment I said yes will forever be etched in my mind, making me fall in love with him that much more than I already was.

Hearing the words “I do” in the most confident manner with the biggest smile on his gorgeous features will also remain a constant memory of one of the best days of my life. The tan suit he wore, the stunning dress that I still love to this day, the warm sand under our bare feet, the sun setting behind us as our family and our closest friends watched us begin the next chapter in our lives.

A kiss to the back of my hand brought me back to the present, “She is confused as to where her husband is taking all of us.” I raise my eyebrow in question towards him eliciting a chuckle from his lips.

“You trust me, darling?”

“You know I do.”

He squeezes my hand in affirmation, “Then will you please believe me when I tell you that you will not be disappointed?” He places another kiss on the back of my hand, ending this discussion in the most gentlemanly way possible. Damn him.

I decide to trust him as I have since the day we met, resting my head on his shoulder, careful not to wake our most precious gift and catch some much needed sleep before we land in who-knows-where.

Upon the pilot’s message about our upcoming decent, I was instructed to put on a blindfold by my husband, adding to the surprise he has in store for us. I was hesitant, skeptical of being robbed of my site for the time being but I trusted him enough to know he wouldn’t let anything bad happen.

He took an anxious Bobby and our gray cat Sadie out as soon as the door to the plane was opened and put them in the awaiting car. Listening to him coo at our son who was undoubtedly upset about being removed from my lap melted my heart. I wish I could have seen it instead of just heard it.

“Alright, my darling, your turn.” He guided me down the steps of the plane into the chilly atmosphere before he gently placed me into a car. He hopped into the drivers seat and we began the second leg of our journey.

The drive was peaceful. He had soft music playing so it wouldn’t wake up the baby in the back and he probably thought I would want to sleep a little more, too. I happily accepted the heaviness again, taking full advantage of not having to fuss over my son.

I was awoken by his soft whispers, “you can take the blindfold off now, darling.” I sat up in my seat before untying it. In front of the car, I see a gate. Tom sticks his arm out the drivers side window, inserting a key into a keyhole effectively opening the gate. I look around and see the bright snow covering everything around. As he drives through the gate, I recognize the area immediately.

“When did the Chalet install a gate?” I ask Tom who has a shit-eating grin on his beautiful weathered face.

“Actually…” He trails off as we pull up to the Chalet and into a brand new garage built off to the side.

“Is this why it was under construction for so long?” I exit the vehicle, putting Bobby on his leash and grabbing Sadie’s carrier before rounding the car to the side Liam is on. Tom is already working to take his car seat out. Tom had told me right before we got married that the Chalet was under construction and would be for a few years. It broke my heart to know we couldn’t go there for our honeymoon, but where we did go was the most wonderful experience. Malaysia, Australia, and Bora Bora… the most fun and relaxing three months of my life. It was a God-send after the stress of planning a wedding and reception. We had a small ceremony with just us, our family, and our closest friends followed by a big reception a week later inviting everyone we know for a night of fun.

Tom ushered us up to the front door, unlocking the door with another key.

“When did Sal give you a key?” was my last question before we entered the building. My jaw dropped. 

Everything looked completely different. There no longer was a front desk, but a foyer with benches and cubbies for coat hooks like a mud room. It opened up to the grand living room that Tom and I have made many memories from sitting together while reading and writing to when we sat by the fireplace after my midnight breakdown the night before to when he proposed to me right in this very spot. 

The view of the mountain below still took my breath away even after all of this time and the many visits we’ve paid since that first time. As I took in the room I loved, I noticed the small details that weren’t there before. Pictures of us- me and Tom- from our first time here to our wedding day and our first family of three photos, solo pictures of Bobby, Sadie, and Liam I’ve taken over the course of the last few years. 

I also noticed a few pieces of furniture that weren’t here before. A papasan chair was placed in the corner just like our home in London had. It’s the best place to sleep when I have a headache and Liam loves sleeping with me in it. There’s a picture of one of those occurrences hanging above it as to remind me of the first few weeks he was born.

Tom appeared next to me, having Liam in one arm, he wrapped the other arm around my waist pulling me closer and whispered in my ear, “Welcome home, baby.”

“Wait, what?” I gasped as the realization hit me. I turned to meet his eyes, “You bought it?!”

“Sal was looking to retire and I said I’d take it off his hands. He gave me a great deal considering we were his favorites.” He kissed me tenderly before pulling back again. “I wanted this to be our home; a place we raise our family, make memories in. What better way to unveil the finished renovations by bringing us all and spending the holidays here?”

I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist, squealing in excitement. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could call this place “home.” It’s always been a home away from home. Every time I would have to leave, I’d feel like I was leaving a piece of myself behind. But my wonderful, thoughtful husband made it happen. He made this place that holds a special place in both of our hearts into our dream home where we will raise our son and our future children, where we will start family traditions that will be passed down to our children when they have children of their own, a place where our families can come together for the holidays, birthdays, and vacations… a place to call home.

“Do you approve?” He purrs into my ear.

“Do I approve?” I ask incredulously. I pull back to face him, “This is one of the best surprises I could have ever asked for.” I place a quick kiss on his lips. “Thank you.” I turn my attention to our beautiful son who was wide awake now, “did Daddy buy us a new home?” My baby voice came out, “did he?” I took possession of him, kissing his scrumptious chubby cheeks repeatedly. Tom chuckled at how ridiculous I sound but he’s gotten used to it now. “We’re going to be so happy here.”

Tom brings us on a tour to show me all that was done to make it work for us as a family home. Two of the rooms were combined to give us the most incredible master suite I’ve ever seen, including a spa-like master bathroom and a see-through fireplace that connects the two.

Two of the other rooms were redone into bedrooms for Liam and a future child with closets and their own bathrooms. Two other rooms was changed into guest suites for family or friends who want to come stay with us.

But the most amazing surprise out of all of this was the last room was my dedicated writing space. A serene room including a desk, a bookcase that contained all of my books and my unfinished works, cups filled with my favorite kinds of pens, plenty of loose-leaf printer paper, other notebooks I’ve yet to use, anything I could possibly use or need. The real kicker was in what looks like a wardrobe was a Murphy bed. I had always said that my ideal office would include a Murphy bed because I do my best writing in bed. I spend most nights up until the wee hours of the morning writing and I didn’t want to keep my future partner awake with my habit. I couldn’t wait to get started.

The kitchen was converted into a beautiful chef’s kitchen with quartz counter tops with a gorgeous chevron backsplash, normal-sized stainless steel appliances, white cabinets and cupboards and a banquette that was build into the large island that could fit our growing family. It opened up to the living room and dining room now which made the space seem so much bigger than it already is.

I could picture Tom at the stove, making breakfast for us on Saturdays while I watch from either the island or on the couch in the living room. I could imagine both of our families flying around the room busying themselves with whatever dish they were in charge of for the holidays. I see Tom and I enjoying quiet midnight snacks while sitting on the island or on the floor and mid-day food fights like we had during our first encounter.

The gym was also revamped and the laundry room was scaled down to accommodate a family instead of a hotel. It was all so perfect. It felt like a dream, but it wasn’t a dream. It was our new reality.

As we start this new chapter in our lives in Colorado with our little family, I can’t believe how my life has turned out…

In six years, I went from a single, aspiring writer who just released her first book going on a solo vacation for solitude and inspiration to a best-selling novelist, the wife of one of England’s finest gentleman who also happened to be one of my biggest celebrity crushes, and the mother of his unbelievably adorable son.

Never in a million years would I have thought this was where my life would end up after being stuck with him in a beautiful secluded Chalet. Our time in seclusion would be the catalyst for the ride of a lifetime. Half a dozen years later with a painful, but eye-opening year separation, five more published books and book tours for me, five movies and long press tours for him, a long awaited wedding plus reception, and a beautiful baby boy later… here we are in the same Chalet we met converted into our dream home with our son, dog, and cat. Life couldn’t be better.

The holidays in our new home were better than I expected. Our moms fussed over Liam as much as they possibly could when they weren’t concerned with cooking for all of us. When they weren’t all over him, Tom’s sisters were. It gave us some much-needed alone time in our brand new master suite. To say we took full advantage of our built-in babysitters was an understatement.

Thanksgiving came and went far too quickly. Our moms stayed after wanting as much time watching Liam discover something new every day and spoil him as much as they can since neither of us live close to our families with his in England and mine in the states. Our busy schedules don’t allow for us to see them as often as we’d both like. But ever since Liam was born, we’ve both taken tons of time off- no movies, no press tours, no auditions, no publication meetings- and we’ve gotten the opportunity to see them more.

By Christmas though, Tom and I were ready for it to be over so we could go back to our normal. We love our moms, more so now that we have our own child, but they were beginning to become “smothers.” Thankfully by Christmas Eve, Tom’s sisters were back and they could focus on more than just us. That night we decorated the tree with ornaments from our respective childhoods and the ornaments we made to commemorate Liam’s first Christmas and our first as a family of three. We drank cider and eggnog around the fireplace as we watched the snow fall, sharing stories of our favorite memories and our most memorable present. Christmas morning was full of excitement with our nieces and nephews tearing open their presents and Liam wanting nothing to do with his. For dinner my mom’s famous Swedish meatballs were made and devoured by everyone. Our family’s Jell-O dessert with strawberry Jell-O with strawberries added, whipped cream and pretzels was a big hit with the whole family, even Liam had a small taste and he continued to suck on Tom’s finger trying to get every last morsel of flavor. It truly was a day of merriment.

The next day the chaos had ebbed. We finally got back to our quiet household with our routine. We spend New Years Eve watching the fireworks through the multi-story, floor-to-ceiling windows. A picture perfect site made for the best New Years I had ever had.

By the time we were leaving in mid-January because Tom was due on set for his first movie after the baby, we discovered our family was going to gain another member.

When the holidays came around again, our daughter Julia was the apple of everyone’s eye who met her, completing our already-perfect family. She has Tom’s ginger locks and her blue-turning-green eyes are like mine but so much more to die for. She has the sweetest temperament, just like her brother. I can tell already that they completely adore each other. I can’t wait to watch Liam be the protective big brother I always wanted growing up. With a father like Tom, I know he will be the best man- sensitive, caring, soft- everything I love about him. Julia will be the most headstrong and stubborn woman just like me. For now though I’m good with them staying my babies.

As I sit in the papasan chair in the corner with my sweetest little girl sleeping in one arm, I have a pen in the other hand. Words were flowing out of me as if a levee had just given way. Finally getting some peace and quiet after the busy holiday season, I’ve had time to come up with an idea for my next book.

“I see some things never change.” I look to see the love of my life standing where the doorway used to be, where he said those exact same words to me after our year separation. This time however, he was holding our son on his hip, matching smiles on both of them. My handsome boys.

I can’t hide the smile that seems to be a constant on my face nowadays, “But would you really want them to?”

His smile grows bigger as he makes his way over to me, leaning down and pressing a soft kiss on my lips. He pulls back a hair and whispers, “Never,” in the huskiest tone instantly reminding me of the God of Mischief. 

I can’t help but giggle like a schoolgirl when he talks like that. This man still gives me butterflies even after all these years. He still makes my heart race every time he looks at me or touches me. I still get goosebumps when he tells me he loves me, which is multiple times a day. I still love him- I’m still IN love with him- even more than I was yesterday but less than I will be tomorrow. I sigh in complete and utter contentment.

Meeting at this Chalet was the best decision we both could have ever made. The blizzard that stranded us here was the best thing in the world that could have happened to us. I can’t wait to see what the next chapter of our lives has in store for all four of us.

.

the end.

.

Taglist: @the-marvel-wars​ @elusive-beauty​ @drakesfiance​ @im-a-slut-for-an-accent​ @fantasy-is-my-reality​ @hiddlephile​

I want to wish you all a Happy Dragon Age Day! What an exciting day to be a Dragon Age fan, and just talk about how much love this franchise! To celebrate this day, I’m sharing what Dragon Age means to me specifically.

As you can tell, there are many things these games mean to me, I’ve been a BioWare content creator for about 3 years now and I’ve been playing Mass Effect and Dragon Age since I was 10 – which is half my life, so I have many stories and experiences with how this franchise has changed my life.

I could tell you about when I was 15 and I really didn’t have many friends, but I filled that void while waiting for Dragon Age: Inquisition, I started to oil paint Leliana and Josephine, while binge-watching content creators like GamerMD83, Ability Drain and Lady Insanity. Their content inspired me to create and only helped me fall even more in love with this franchise.

Or I could tell you about how when Dragon Age: Inquisition launched, it changed my life during a period of loneliness and rejection in 2014. The amazing cast of characters brought the best out of me, allowing me to move on with that lull in my life. And in that following year, I met Gareth David Lloyd, the voice actor of Solas just before Trespasser released. 

And of course, I’d be incredible remiss to not share how Dragon Age, through my YouTube channel & content has cultivated long-lasting friendships with amazing content creators and fans, how the community has supported me and, overall, how I’ve been able to have genuine interactions with so many people who just feel the same way I do about Dragon Age, it’s been beautiful. But… for people who generally know me, or have been an avid viewer, there’s one story that truly defines what Dragon Age means to me. And that is how my love for Dragon Age spurred an actual relationship, that has redefined my entire life.

In February 2018, I met Saria through our shared interest of Dragon Age, she had joined my newly announced Discord server at the time, having watched plenty of my videos. I started to talk with her just casually about our love for Dragon Age, which then developed further.  

Skip ahead the countless texting throughout the days and nights, and then texts that soon turned into voice calls, yadda, yadda, yadda. I started to like this Saria character a lot more than I anticipated.

For context, I live in Britain, and at the time she was in Colorado, which was about a 7-hour time zone difference, for me to stay until 7 AM orally speaking to a female who loves Dragon Age was a once in a lifetime opportunity for me. I was 19, and I never dated before, never mind a long-distance relationship, the idea of dating as a whole was something that I really just hadn’t considered for my age. I always just had a crush on singer/songwriter Birdy, and used to say that I’d somehow marry her, and that’s where all my feelings would go.

But there was something different with Saria, she was funny, beautiful, quirky, relatable, and someone who I could talk to about anything for hours. So, we gave long distance a shot, she’d never dated before, I never dated before. Some people say that maybe a recipe for disaster, but for me, it was an experience we could both take at our own pace and build a relationship based on what we want, not what others govern as a relationship.

Anyhow, I met her physically for the first time in July 2018, and it was the best day of my life seeing her and spending time with her in Colorado. We decided to keep the long-distance going until I finish University in the UK.

Saria came to stay with me for 6 months in the UK that following October and it was so amazing staying with her.

And, honestly, seeing The Dread Wolf Rises Teaser with Saria physically with me was one of the Dragon Age experiences I’ve had, and I know it sounds cheesy, but from a long-distance relationship point of view, to be able to be together while watching the trailer for our favourite game franchise meant so much to us.

And in February 2019, on the 13th, the same day the year before we decided to be in a long-distance relationship, I asked Saria’s hand in marriage, and she said yes.

Dragon Age has not only been my encouragement through hard times in life, but it’s also given me a future. I have met my soon to be wife all because of the experiences Dragon Age has opened up to me.

When I tell most people that I met Saria through Dragon Age or YouTube videos, I often get the odd look or the silly “boomer” remark. But through it all, no matter what anyone thinks I’ve found the one for me. And Dragon Age is the reason for that. It’s how we both original met, and it’s how we’ll continue to thrive in this community because we both love and appreciate what Dragon Age means to us both.

And that is why Dragon Age so significant to me, as I said at the start, it’s given me amazing friends that I’ve yet to meet in real life, an engaging and fun community, and of course the partner of dreams to tackle the real world with. And for that, I’m grateful to not only the developers but to you guys for watching my videos and giving me a shot in this huge fan-base. If it wasn’t for you, I may never have met Saria.

Let me know what Dragon Age means to you down below. It is DA4 Day, and the official group are raising money for the charity AbleGamers – who are devoted to changing the lives of gamers with disabilities, so check the page out if you’d like to donate:

https://tiltify.com/+dragon-age-day-2019/2019-dragon-age-day/rewards

Fringe-dweller’s true tales.

I looked up at the half moon, and thought “this will be the 5th full moon since you died”... 

Three nights before you were so suddenly taken from the physical earth, you camped overlooking the beautiful large body of water. you explored the multifaceted countryside, you were always like a kid when it came to exploring. you would have honoured and felt connected with nature. you would have sat with a j and admired the full moon on Friday the 13th. it would have been so beautiful to see the full moon over the water, the reflection, the light bouncing off the rippling water and quartz crystal sparkly rockbed... 

I hope those days spent at that campsite were healing, I hope you felt at peace, I hope you spent those days happy, content. I imagine you playing guitar and adventuring with our magic merlin dog, enjoying the wildlife, the peacefulness. I imagine you listening to the abc radio you loved and talking to the other campers, sharing your quirky unique self, making people laugh, or think. I imagine you satisfied to have achieved the long time goal to drive to the tip of Australia, from Cook Town to Cape York in your FWD. I imagine you had chocolate or something sweet even though you were running out of everything else. 

I wonder if you dreamt those nights... I wonder if you had a feeling something was coming. I wonder about the last conversations you had with tribe. i wonder about where you thought the wind might take you next. I wonder if you actually were on your way to visit me... ill never know whether I/you/we could have done anything to change what happened... I can't believe after all the physical pain you endured through-out your 34 years, that you experienced pain in your last alert moments... I think about our dog being with you when it all happened... 

I imagine you loving being omnipresent, exploring the universe in your cosmic pirate-ship with Xena, your beloved 17 year old dog. I'm not surprised she passed 12 days after you... I'm glad your both free of your aching sore physical bodies. You both lived so adventurously. you and Xena are the only ones I know that can say they lived in their vehicles/bus for over 11 years, driving over a million kms around and through Australia. I also don’t know anyone else that helped as many fringe-dwellers as you did, loved and supported so many beautiful women without trying to take it to a sexual level, who invited people to travel with you and see new incredible parts of Australia. you saved forests, educated people, changed Bunnings national policy, inspired people to live better and more freely, you lived more in your short life-time than anyone I know. you experienced pain, near death experience, limitation childhood abuse and death of loved ones and still managed to be the incredible being full of enthusiasm with an open heart and playful inquisitive nature. 

I was relieved to hear you had been reconnecting with your mum and family. that our close friends had quality time with you before everything changed...       I know you knew there was a high chance of you dying while on the road due to road death statistics... but all the justifications can't outweigh the heaviness of not being able to message you, call you, find out where you are now, what your building or what fascinating experience you’ve had recently.

You were the first and only male partner I have shared a ‘de facto’ type lovership with, having only been with women until you. you were so respectful, you were loving and gentle...  travelling in a old coaster for 6 months with you living a true dream... you built us a bush shack in two weeks, you built us a bush palace in a month and a half, all while been technically ‘disabled’... you showed me sacred sites of Australia, you climbed into caves, swam in ocean with crocodiles a few kms away,, we ate dinner alone with Dick Smith in the desert, casually chatting. you introduced me to Robin Mutoid at Burn out, I loved sitting with you and Robin in the coaster watching you two light up talking about mad hatter genius building ideas... and plans to create an explosive pineapple grenade to the filming we were doing.

Some of my favourite memories of my life-time, have been with you. I cherish you, I cherish my photos of you, I'm relieved I didnt listen to you when you told me to stop taking photos and be in the moment, but now I can look at those memories when I need to see you. every time I see a old coaster van I'm going to think of you... so many things remind me of you... having merlin with me is the silver lining, I'm relieved she was safely found after 15 days of being missing in the bush. I'm relieved she's with me. but I wish I was instead bringing her back to you...

You led such an incredible life I hope to share your stories and pictures with the world. you inspired so many people while you were alive... and even after... thousands of people read about your death on social media and tv... the articles and posts used the photos I took of you. it was surreal to see you and our dog in articles, for what happened to be so publicised... for a tragedy so personal to be used as ‘grief porn’... I hope to use the publicity of it all to make change to the stretch of road. needs better signage, a lower speed, something! I can't get it out of my head that you were the 9th fatality out of 30 accidents in 31 years, within a 4km stretch of road... 9 fatalities is too many. 9 is the final number. you are the last one to be taken out there...

The bush fires started raging not long after you died... in a strange way, the fires seemed fitting in my state of grief. Our lives were all forever changed... I was forever changed. The fires burning for months. My grief, anger, shock and feeling of helplessness burning inside me for months.  the sense of emergency through out the country, the sense of disaster within me.

It was all a bit much trying to deal with you dying, Xena dying, merlin being missing for 15 days and everything else that happened over the next 2 months as well the fires raging, rainforests burning, native wildlife in crisis, homes burning, people dying and the nation all in panic and smoke. Being 1500kms away from my forest home and family while the fires burned out of control less that 40kms away, with road blocks and potential fires in between. Trying to have your life celebration festivities while experiencing heavy rain, wind warnings and strained tumultuous emotions all round... thunder and hail while my mums saying she is taking all my valuables and art to a safe house coz the fires are getting closer, and they are prepping to have to evacuate with the dog, cat, ducks and chickens... luckily, it never came to that, the fires were contained 25kms away from our home, contained only 20kms away from my closest town, a well known beautiful alternative community. 

A moment that will always bring a smile to my heart, was when I was finally driving home. Id had a really rough night, id been holding so much in, trying to just get through everything to get home, id started falling apart... we had just started driving, when we saw a small’ish’ dust devil. the ‘tornado hunter’ part in me instantly wanted to drive up the near by road to chase it. I held back, until I heard my friend say “we could throw some of him ashes into the dust devil”... and I zoomed up the road as quick as I could. although the little twister had gone out of reach, I trustfully threw some of your ashes towards it. my heart felt uplifted as I watched the ash catch, float up and dissolve toward the dust devil.

You weren't scared of dying, you lived actively seeking to push your own limits, always with a cheeky grin. but you always landed like a cat, you were always there, doing your thing... alive. you always came back... you would have heard about the fires and driven straight to help, you would have fought the fires like you had before. you would have used the experience as a way to further pursue actual change for the planet, would have been apart of the vocal community questioning how the government failed to protect and how we needed to have upheaval and revolution...

You drove so safely on the roads. I dont know what happened to the other driver, except that he was seemingly uninjured. was it actually an unfortunate accident? or did the driver lose control going around the corner at 130kms in a 100 zone.... 

Was it really ‘your time to go’? if I hadn't been to the crash site and dealt with all that I have, I might fantasise the idea that you pulled the ultimate fucked up prank, that your hiding out in your doomsday bunker, mischievously laughing at no one knowing your alive, being completely ‘offline’, plotting the moment to reveal yourself... to see you, hug you would be.... 

We separated as lovers 15 months before you died, as we had to go on seperate journeys, we had to become individuals again. we were both struggling with very different things, we had to salvage our friendship and love, to take a break, allow some time... and then... you died 7 hours away, on your way to my area... on your way to see me and Xena.. I can't help but feel I'm being punished somehow, question if I shouldn't have made you leave. you might still be alive... am I silly to dwell on thoughts like that? I thought we had more time.

All I can do is live passionately, continue to be inspired by you and cherish you and our time together, learn from my experiences, healing these wounds by living, by loving, by sharing truth, by having daily gratitude and celebrating the positive events and changes as they come.

I know, for a long time, I will count each passing full moon...

You will always be my gypsy pirate king.  

Fly Free my Lover. I'll see you on the other side once again.

Survey #252

my personal laptop has to be fixed, so therefore i don’t have games to play, so expect plenty of these to pass the time lmao.

Have you ever said something just to see what kind of reaction you’d get? No, not that I remember. Have you ever confronted someone about using too much chat-speak? ??? No??? Have you ever revealed someone’s secret, after promising not to tell? No. Secrets are one thing I'm very serious about respecting. What is one emotion that you experience regularly? STRESS, MOTHERFUCKER. Describe the last major change you made concerning your hairstyle? Lopped it all off, lmao. It's been like, two years now though. Who was the last person to walk out of your life, and why? It feels like my friend Alex. She's kinda just... left me hanging for months. I think she's active online, but not with me, despite reaching out. She's also deleted her b.net account or just removed me from her friends list, idk. Absolutely nothing seems like it would've prompted that, though. Are you less likely to approach people that look/dress a certain way? I was going to say no, but the last person's answer inspired mine to yes; like, I'm not going to go talk to people with some crazy or offensive shit on their shirts, nor am I going to just go walk up to someone covered in blood. Name one embarrassing activity that you take part in? I don't know. Like I say enough I'm VERY self-conscious of revealing I RP, but only because I'm sensitive to how the person will respond. I'm in no way like, ashamed I do it. I'm just terrified of judgment over something "unusual." Ever been told that you can’t understand love due to your age? Not that I remember. I only claimed to "get it" (to my recollection) at a point in mine and Jason's relationship, and I very legitimately would've guffawed at and honestly nearly slapped you if you claimed I "didn't understand" love. What is your favorite Starburst candy flavor? THE PINK ONES. Do you think that you act like yourself while online? I act more like myself online. Have you ever lied about something to get someone to like you? No. Who is the fakest person in your life right now? I don't keep those people in my life. Have you ever laid down in the grass, and made shapes out of the clouds? As a kiddo. When someone’s constantly negative, how do you deal with it? It depends on the person, but ALMOST in all cases, I really really try to support the person as best I can. It may start to bring me a bit down, but I feel I'm just like... hardwired to help those I love. I think it's what my relationship with Jason did, as he left because he couldn't handle my depression anymore, and with how that absolutely and utterly annihilated me, I don't want anyone else to feel that pain. Now, for people I don't have much of a bond with, it's easier for me to say "I'm sorry, but I can't handle this right now," but even then, I prefer to help. Does Christmas make you feel like a kid again? No. I'm really most excited for aunt reasons, lol. Do you have any artistic talent? Some. Would you ever shoplift from a store if you knew you wouldn’t be caught? Absolutely not. When one of your pets dies, how do you react? Usually cry. I've only ever not done so if I hadn't at all formed a bond with the animal. When you go to the movies, where in the theater do you sit? Close to the front, in the middle. When was the last time you lost your appetite? I don’t know. Have you ever neglected to take care of yourself? Er. Quite badly during '16, in the depth of my depression. I'll just say my teeth are kinda yellow because of it. I want to whiten my teeth at some point if I can afford that kind of luxury. The last song/poem/story you wrote - what was it about? In RP, the most recent section being written now is my main protagonists receiving a visit from their allies before getting their asses torn up the next day lmao. After a fight, who apologizes first - you, or the other person? Usually me, but it does depend. If I genuinely feel I didn't do jackshit wrong, no, I'm not apologizing. When you’re feeling creative, what do you do? Write. Do you mind being in your house alone overnight? Not really by now. Done so a number of times. Are there any dreams you remember from childhood? Nightmares, yes, and one very realistic dream. What worries you most about death? Not knowing what happens afterwards. Do you watch really old tv shows or movies from the 1970s or earlier? I love The Munsters, I Love Lucy, The Beverly Hillbillies, and The Addams Family. I'm sure there's more, considering I liked to watch stuff with my mom as a kid. Who’s your celebrity crush(es)? HHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Ever been to a rave? No. Are you afraid to name the person you talk the most shit about? I don't really do that. Like I'll vent about people occasionally, but "talk shit" seems like the wrong word. I don't like gossiping. Are you a jealous person? Envious, rather, sometimes. I get VERY envious when it comes to photography, but otherwise, I don't feel it much. Who do you text the most out of your friends? Sara is like the only friend I text, lol. What would you do if you saw a complete stranger dealing drugs in public?
 Honestly, call an authority. I don't fuck with that. I'm not watching it happen. How often do you play video games? What are some of your favourites?
 I played World of Warcraft daily until my laptop took a shit. Need to get that fixed. Now I play actual video games very rarely... but mostly just because you can only replay the same ole game so many times before you've had enough of it for like a year. There are a great number of new games I want to play, though. I want a PS4 soooo badly. What are a few things that get on your nerves when it comes to Facebook (or your social networking site of choice)?
 More than anything, posting something that's crying for attention only for the person to be like "ugh I don't wanna talk about it." Then don't fucking post it. What are three things you’ve started to like lately? I feel like I haven't found new interests in a long time... Wait! I do feel The Handmaid's Tale and the Wings of Fire book Sara lent me have revived my love of reading! :') I want to go to the book store when I can and get both the new sequel to THT and the next WoF book. What was the last reason for having butterflies in your stomach?
 *shrug* Do you need a lot of space in relationships, or are you happy to spend a lot of time with your SO?
 I need SOME alone time, but for the most part I love being together. Once we're really close, anyway. What was the last thing you cooked from scratch? Scrambled eggs. Have you ever won anything from those games in arcades?
 Yeah. Funny story, there was this one time my sister won a stuffed duck from a claw machine, and it was the one I wanted after trying many times, and I cried so hard that one of the employees literally got one out for me lmfao. I probably still have it in the attic. When was the last time you went out to a fair?
 Not since right before the breakup. How far is the nearest zoo or wildlife park from your house? Do you go often?
 Like, two hours. We almost never go because of the distance. Are either one of your parents retired? If not, what do they do for a living?
 No. My dad's been a mailman all my life, and Mom is currently on disability because she has cancer and obviously can't work because of chemotherapy and all that. She was a pharmacy tech, though. If you could change one physical trait about yourself, what would it be?
 Can all this weight like vanish please. Have you ever gone out with someone you didn’t like?
 ????? Why would I do that???? Well, I didn't yet like-like Tyler because we hadn't been reunited as friends long enough; dating was kinda like... a dumb way to re-get to know each other? Thank fuck that was only two weeks. Would you ever take a bullet for your significant other? I'm single. Would you ever work at a fast food restaurant?
 No. History shows I can't work with people. Are you good at haunted houses, or do you scream your head off?
 AHHHHHHHHHHH I LOVE!!!!!!!!!!! If you’ve seen it, what did you think of the Twilight movie?
 I never watched them. Have you ever gotten your tongue stuck on a frozen pole?
 No. Are you a cat or a dog person?
 Cat. Does the movie Titanic make you cry?
 Ha ha, yes. I watched it on movie day while at the psych hospital and all of us were lil bitches almost sobbing, lol. Because it's a long movie, it went past our allotted time, but the nurses decided to let us finish it because we were so into it. I do have some good memories from those times... Do you think that fat people should wear skinny jeans? I think people can wear whatever the fuck they want without fear of judgment. Do you prefer game systems like Xbox, or older ones like Super Nintendo? The former. Do you enjoy indie music? Yep! What is the most strange piercing you’ve ever seen? Those ones people were getting on their fingers instead of rings... just huh. What do you do when you’re waiting in line at the grocery store? Look around, I guess. Think. What is your favourite beach to go to? I haven't been to enough to know. Have you ever been to a country club? No. Have you ever seen an animal die in real life? Too many times. Animals have been euthanized in my arms, and a kitten slowly died in my hands once. One of the most heartbreaking things I have ever experienced. Teddy accidentally punctured its lungs or broke ribs, I think, or something like that. I'm pretty sure he was trying to bring it back to its siblings because it wandered off, but he held it too tightly. I was home alone, too. It was fucking awful. Do you live on a Rd, St, Blvd, Ln, Way, or Ave? Road. Do you have naked pictures of someone saved on your phone? No. Would you ever go see an opera? Bitch I played Parasite Eve, I don't trust that shit. But seriously, no, not my scene. Do you own anything John Deere? No. Do you have a push mower or a mower that you ride on? Neither. A friend mows for us; he has the latter. What is the longest amount of time you’ve been stuck in traffic for? No clue. I think during a trip to New York. Would you consider joining the air force, army, etc? No. Who was your first crush and what made them special? This kid named Dylan. I thought he was super cute and cool. What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask? I dunno. Who did you idolize growing up? Steve Irwin. Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be? No. Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone? No. What were your best and worst subjects in school or college? Best: English. Worst: math. Name something you would like to devote more time to seeing or doing. Writing poetry. Drawing. Do you like to get your nails done? No. Do you remember the last movie you saw while on a date? Yeah, IT. Do you like to wear dresses? Hell no with my current body. Do you like any ‘manly’ activities like hunting, fishing, or camping? I find fishing to be fun and relaxing, but because of morals, I can't stomach doing it anymore. What was the name of your first boyfriend? First with the title, Aaron. First *real* boyfriend, Jason. Your first kiss? Jason. Are you still with either of those people from the last 2 questions? No. Have you ever used your bra to hold things like you would a pocket? Ha ha no. I think. What is your longest relationship to date? Three years, 7-8 months. I don't remember if the breakup was in August or September. Who ended the last relationship you were in? It was kinda like... mutual-ish, but moreso her. Have you ever gotten back with an ex? No. Who was your first prom date? Jason. Do you cry during romantic movies? Sometimes. Who was the last person to see you cry? Mom. Have you ever been used? I don't think so romantically, but in other ways, I know I have been. Have you ever felt violated? Yes. Do you like when a guy takes you by surprise and kisses you? Not everyone likes guys, so what an assumption. But anyway, only if we're very serious and have heavy trust in one another. Do you ever leave the house without makeup? Pretty much always. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? Been a few years. What kind of gift can win you over? BITCH buy me something Mark-related and you earn like 20 points. Has anyone ever sung to you? Yes. Do you like massages? Depends on who you are. In almost any case, no. They're awkward. Have you ever been skinny dipping? No. Do you sleep naked? No. Is smoking a turn-off? Yes. Is there a certain tv show you get upset if you miss? No. When was the last time you spent the night at someone else’s house? When I was at Sara's a year or so back. What is one food you always crave? Ice cream. Are you an exercise freak? Hunny- What scares you more, spiders or snakes? Snakes don't scare me, so spooders. Do you expect to be married in the next two years? No. Would you ever get implants? Nah. Have you ever had a crush on a sibling’s friend? No. Have you ever had a crush on a friend’s sibling? No. Are you more of a 'girly girl’ or a 'tomboy’? A tomboy. Have you ever dated someone with a child? No. Are you addicted to texting? No.

meta re: figuring out how old bhadra is, and also when exactly bhalla got married and spawned a child lmao. (also some about the poor woman who had to be his wife.) under cut for length lol

hmm so i just saw a meta which puts bhadra as just a few months younger than mahendra which is interesting, and i can see that being possible given the two actors, but where i disagree is the part of this theory that implies bhalla is married when baahu and devasena are still together. i think if bhalla were to get married, baahu and devasena would have to be invited, just in terms of propriety. i think bhalla would actually enjoy the huge state ceremony that would serve to show how small devasena and baahu were now in contrast. i also think that at this point in the story, while baahu is still alive and married to devasena, bhalla has no interest in his own marriage -- he’s definitely not married (at least imo) at the time of their exile, and even if he wanted a child to compete for the throne at that point baahu’s kid would still be a good 6 months older regardless. i think bhadra must definitely be a few years younger than mahendra (who i believe is around 24ish years old.) bhalla’s obsession with devasena reads to me as about possession rather than a singleminded love or want to make her his real wife. the fact that we don’t see bhalla’s wife at all later makes me think that she’s either dead, or he never married and bhadra is bhalla’s child with a woman bhalla never married. i can see bhalla being obsessed with devasena his entire life, particularly as a transference of both his prior obsession with sivagami as the mother and queen ruler figure who in is mind loved baahu more, and also his obsession with baahu who was just better than bhalla at the things that bhalla wanted (primarily the easy adoration of the people and sivagami.) devasena, both as legal queen mother and clearly sivagami’s annointed heir at her last moments, and as baahu’s love, becomes the object of bhalla’s lifelong hatred and to me he tortures her daily as both substitute for sivagami and baahu who are dead and beyond his reach, and also for her own sake because let’s not underestimate devasena’s ability to piss off bhalla. i think on a surface level when he saw her picture he did feel lust, and so i think there is a very gross and terrible sexual aspect to his need to keep her in chains and under his grip. bhadra clearly states some very disgusting sexually tinged insults at devasena (calling her a whore multiple times) which is obviously a learned behavior from i assume bhalla and maybe biju. all this to say that for me, the main woman in bhalla’s life until his death is devasena. his last words are even to devasena, rather than mahendra who is the clear baahu replacement, and he tells her to join him on the pyre which is reminiscent of what this society demands of good warrior wives.

if bhalla was married, it was a grand alliance where she was probably fabulously wealthy and beautiful and the marriage was conducted with lots of pomp and circumstance in order to distract people from the fact that baahu and sivagami were dead alongside mahendra, and devasena was in chains in the city center. biju found the bride, sent the single most annoying proposal on earth, which implied invasion if she wasnt promptly sent having tied the mangalsutra to bhalla’s sword. definitely wealthy, may or may not have military importance. definitely a beautiful woman, a quiet woman with no personality who was promptly destroyed by having to live under a cruel sadistic man who was obsessed with his dead brother’s caged wife. if bhadra didnt seem so old that he could probably be only max a few years younger than mahendra i would say that bhalla’s wife probably takes a few years to concieve: bhalla would probably be the type of terrible man to treat a woman so badly she would miscarry. but bhadra is pretty close to mahendra’s age, so bhalla’s wife must have conceived pretty quickly. as he desperately needed an heir at the time bhalla, once she is pregnant, ignored her almost entirely except for once a week when he had her carried in a palanquin to see devasena so that he could gloat about his impending fatherhood. the poor woman would by this point be of a sickly sort, even if she had been healthy at the time of her marriage, have a difficult pregnancy exacerbated by her sheer terror at the thought of having anything less than an exceedingly strong male heir. ( i cant imagine biju or bhalla would be anything less than extremely direct about the consequences if the child was born with a disability, or god forbid was a girl.) her entire pregnancy would be one folk remedy after another guaranteed to produce a strong, healthy prince, all eight months after the pregnancy announced to the public an empire wide endeavour to ensure the safe arrival of the prince to be. thousands of ceremonies across the kingdoms would be funded, each sending her the fruits of their sacrifice for her to eat. everything about her day would be micromanaged from the time she woke, to the clothes she wore and the direction she faced when she slept. devasena, who spent the last three months of her own pregnancy exiled in a mining community and yet delivered a strong child, looks at the queen who somehow seems to be weakening every visit and wonders at the great gods’ irony. 

one of my headcanons about the weird family strength is that these babies take a toll on their gestating mothers, and so only a particular type of woman is capable of surviving the pregnancy and birth -- sivagami and devasena are both of this type, and so they find their pregnancies relatively easy, and their births are normal and safe. you can either take this to be something physical or mental, or if you’re more into magical explanations for magical strength, its a (terrifying and horrible) way of the family line basically validating the queen: if she survives, she’s deserving of being queen mother.  baahu’s mother and bhadra’s mother aren’t sivagami and devasena, though they’re probably wonderful women in their own right. the pregnancies sap them of their strength and nutrients (kind of like a leech), and when they give birth it is a long, drawn out process in which the babies had they not had the family strength would have died. the mothers both bleed out. the kingdom barely mourns the queen it barely had a chance to know -- if she becomes pregnant so quickly after marriage, bhalla would never have risked her out in public. instead, there is a massive celebration to anoint the heir to the empire, and bhalla invests heavily in propagating a narrative that has bhadra solely his son: his wife the queen is erased from the stories entirely, it is almost as if bhadra sprung straight from bhalla’s skull, the perfect son. 

the queen’s death doesn’t break the alliance of her marriage, but it does downgrade them from slightly favored allies to just one with the rest -- there is a rumor that does not die no matter how hard they try that she died of a broken heart, that she grew so sickly in the heart of the empire despite the best of all medicine because she did not want to get better, or try to mother the son of her demon husband. (they are half right: the queen, delirious in her last moments, does not regret leaving her husband who happens to be the worst man she has ever met, nor does she regret leaving her disgusting father in law. she regrets somewhat having to leave devasena, whom the queen had nursed a slight hope of helping somewhat in the future when her place as the heir’s mother gave her a little more leverage. most of all, she regrets that she leaves her son, whom in her heart of hearts she had viciously wished to be a daughter, to the cruel mercies of his father. she was never going to be a strong woman in this palace, but even something might have been better than nothing, she thinks. just a little kindness, she hopes for someone to teach him, a little mercy. and then, thinking again of her burning hatred for her husband, whom she damns to all the hells that exist, the only true empress mahishmati has in 50 years dies. her first marriage anniversary will be in one month.) 

the other option for bhadra’s mother imo is that she’s a favoured courtesan of bhalla. for this i think its definitely possible that their relationship can be established even before mahendra’s birth -- there’s no reason they aren’t together even prior to the kalakeyan war. this might be a way to make it easier for bhadra to be closer in age to mahendra, where bhalla, despite being consumed with his obsession for devasena continues to visit and the courtesan becomes pregnant (whether she plans this after reading the room and realizing bhalla has ruled for 3 years and has no heir is up to you.) there is obviously no pomp and circumstance here for the duration of the pregnancy, almost no one is aware of the child’s paternity. many kings have many natural born children, and bhalla initially believes that this child will be like any other though unique in a sense for himself because it will be his first child at all. then, he thinks, realizing that he isnt really inclined to marry but requires an heir. within this option there is the possibility for a queen who simply cannot give bhalla a child (maybe she miscarries, whether because of bhalla’s behavior or on purpose because she doesn’t want to have his child) or just ... bhalla doesnt want to get married because he’s obsessed with devasena. the courtesan is sent a message, and under the utmost secrecy is moved to a chamber in the inner palace where her every want is cared for in the hopes of her delivering a strong, male child. she is treated as a queen for the eight months and when she gives birth she probably survives. she is definitely not allowed to raise the child -- bhalla announces that bhadra is his heir, his natural born son, and does not announce the mother. bhadra is raised entirely as bhalla’s son, never allowed to question his mother’s identity or to meet her. either she remains within bhalla’s palace, as a continued object of his favor or is allowed to leave mahishmati after a vow of silence regarding bhardra’s parentage. 

anyways, i’m putting bhadra at 20/21 to mahendra’s 24, and if bhalla gets married he probably thinks about it a year after baahu’s death, gets married a year after that, the queen dies within a year of the marriage (all a space of 3ish years.) option 2, it’s been 3 years and bhalla keeps pushing off thoughts of marriage and then opportunity falls into his lap. in general this is in line with my belief that bhalla at a base level does not care about any woman except for devasena, particularly after he has her in chains. before this, his sole object was the throne, and if he married at that point it would be a political alliance to make him a more favorable candidate for the crown for sure. needing to get married doesn’t occur to him (and to be fair doesnt seem to occur to baahu until he falls in love.) as king he’d only consider marriage in terms of getting an heir, and he wouldn’t care about the woman he married at all -- he’d treat her horribly, probably venting all the anger and frustration he cant with devasena because she lives in the cage which in a sense protects her from the worst physical/sexual abuse. the only respite his wife, another woman entirely under his control, would have is probably becoming pregnant. a favored courtesan, particularly one who had a relationship pre the whole devasena obsession, would have a different dynamic with him, especially since she’s technically “his’ but also not entirely in the way a wife would be. less abuse imo for sure, and the significantly less scrutiny and pinned hopes on her pregnancy results in her general good treatment rather than the exhausting micromanaging characteristic of a wife/queen. 

both of these options basically result in bhalla and biju having total control on the raising of bhadra to be the Worst, and for bhadra’s identity to basically be “bhalla’s son” more than even regular princes who define themselves as their father’s sons. the woman is erased entirely from the narrative, and exists entirely to give bhalla an heir and then conveniently disappear, as distasteful as that is. 

as usual, any other ideas/opinions/complete negations are welcome!! please comment or reply i’m really interested to see what you all think!!!

@teammahishmati @teambaahubali

List Christmas Letter 2015

Hello Family & Friends,

If you’re reading this letter, congratulations! You’ve made our “B” group! Nice work! The people who made our “A” group have a much nicer letter in my opinion, but this one is OK too. If you’re curious as to how to qualify for the “A” group next year, it’s simple. We select a name and then ask Sophie to choose a number between 1 and 10. Jayden will answer for her which will make her upset so she’ll start to cry. Cadence will try to comfort her, and then some other stuff will happen. Then some more stuff and it usually ends up with everyone hitting daddy. At this point I’m grumpy so you’re in the “B” group, so deal with it.

Again, it’s been an eventful year and we are again in good health and spirits. Lucy is still working at Telus as part of the Koodo team and enjoying herself. She was working as a contractor, and was recently offered Full Time which apparently is pretty rare since most Telus workers are contractors. Working with a younger team is really good training for better understanding of words and slang that our kids will probably start using in a few years. She seems to be having fun which is great. Having her job for almost 2 years, she’s now the “steady” one.

I on the other hand, have a new job… again :) I left Sysomos in November to work for a start up company called VarageSale as a Product Manager. Same job, different place. They develop a product (website & app) similar to Kijiji or Craigslist that you can buy and sell items. Their advantage is that they focus on creating a sense of community and safety. Users need to be “accepted” into the community through an approval process and they have community administrators who monitor those communities. The office is still downtown. A little further commute than the Telus building, but it has it’s perks. We have a large metal bull, a pool table, ping pong table, lots of free food, beer fridge and some really amazing people that create a truly fantastic culture. I’m pretty happy to be a part of that.

On the side, I’m also developing a product in my spare time called Me in a Nutshell (meinanutshell.com is where it will live soon). The idea is that you hook up all of your social media accounts to it, move stuff around and choose colours etc to your liking. We’re looking to do a BETA launch early next year. If you’re interested in taking a look please let me know (I’d love to get more feedback).

What’s up with the kids you ask? Oh right… them…

Well, Sophie turned 3 this year and is still a little nutcase. She was terrible at 2 and SURPRISE! She’s still terrible and I still blame Lucy. She learned to push the pedals on her tricycle this past summer which made me really proud. She loves playing with her dolls and is very particular about what she wears. Sophie has also earned the title of champion grunter and generally making angry sounds when she’s grumpy (which is most mornings). These sounds are typically directed toward me, especially when I have any form of physical contact with her mother. Hugging Lucy = high severity grunt and usually a few bruises while she acts as a human crowbar to wedge us apart. If any of you are interested in a brand new, mostly natural form of birth control please come see me.

Cadence is our little gymnast. She’s constantly doing cartwheels or handstands and generally flipping one way or the other all over the house. A few months back she started in the competitive program, so she’s spending some more time in class. The only major drawback is that sometimes Lucy sees her doing something and thinks she should try. No Lucy, it’s really not a good idea. Cadence is our little superstar when it comes to school. She loves going to school, and is quite the girly girl. Hard to believe she’s turning 7 in a couple of days! She’s still very much into crafts and loves to draw just like mom and dad.

Jayden is doing really well. He’s doing much better at school this year and has made Lucy and I even more proud. He loves gym, music, math and science and it’s been really great seeing him come back with excellent test scores. Jayden has continued to take piano lessons. Lucy is still amazed at how quick he’s able to pick it up and hear the notes. He had his first recital this year, which he was pretty proud of. He played a few songs he’s learned and even one he made up himself. Jayden had a great summer riding his scooter and being a 9 year old boy (attacking anything and everything with anything and everything that remotely resembles a sword/knife/bow & arrow or pick axe).

Last year we got Jayden tested. As it turns out he has ADHD and a learning disability. We learned that he’s been working at a 30% level because of his disability, when his potential is in the mid 90s. This school year has been much better. Now that he’s diagnosed, the school is able to be a little more supportive and we are more equipped to better understand his needs. He’s a visual person and learns through seeing and doing. His struggles are focusing on a task that he doesn’t understand or relate to. He’s not so good with words, but better with numbers and shapes. Much like me.

Lucy and I are very blessed to have three truly amazing little Lists.

(that’s Sophie’s grunting face :)

We also got a new nanny this year. Cathy. She has been amazing. She actually helps out other families in the neighbourhood and is also the lunch monitor at the kid’s school. She picks up the kids at school, supervises homework and gets dinner ready for them. Since she’s come into our lives, the kids are now able to get back into their after school programs (karate and gymnastics) Cathy has been a real help with Jayden. We owe his great test scores to her. She’s extremely patient with the kids, and definitely helps us in many ways. Kids are usually fed, with their chores and homework done before we get home. Which relieves a lot of stress from us since Lucy and I are still both working downtown.

For Lucy and I, life still goes on. I managed to stay healthy this year but didn’t have as many personal bests this year as last. I might run a half marathon next year and I’ll probably bike a little more, but nothing too out of the ordinary. I find that between work, side work, and the kids, I don’t have a lot of time to do much else :) I’m not complaining tho! Ok, maybe just a little.

Lucy had a big year running. She signed up for her first 10K race in March through her work and had 2 months to train for it. Having never run a 5K before she was a little apprehensive, but she did it. After that she signed up for a 15K in June and then this fall she ran her first half marathon in San Francisco and did it in a great time (2’07”). I think her true motivation was the Tiffany necklace they got at the finish line. All in all a great running year for someone who tells me constantly that she hates running. I would point out the conflict to her, but I often fear for my own personal safety so prefer not to talk to her or look her directly in the eyes.

This summer we had new neighbours move in right next door who also have 3 kids around a similar age. SCORE! Jayden and Cadence can often be found hanging around with Ethan and Melody. The neighbour's house is also pretty extraordinarily large, so hide and go seek is amazing over there. A great addition to our already amazing street!

We attended one of our first Canada day street celebrations this year which was a lot of fun. They closed down our street and held a street party on Canada Day. Lots of food, fun and friends. We say this every year, but we are extremely fortunate to be living in a neighbourhood where we can feel safe about our kids running in and out of houses and up and down the streets. This is where I would normally talk about our great neighbours and friends but I don’t think I can top what we said last year. So instead, I will quote it.

It’s hard to believe that 8 9 years ago, we moved into this new town. We’ve made so many great friends. Some have come and gone, but we are always very thankful for the friends we’ve made here, and have come to love. Our neighbourhood, and neighbours are one of a kind. Always willing to lend a helping hand at the drop of a hat. The kind of people you’d want to surround your life with, and that you’d want to raise your family around. For this we are grateful.

…end quote.

It’s been another great year filled with love, laughs, excitement and new beginnings. I hope this letter has given you a little chuckle and filled you up with cheer.

much love & holiday wishes.

word.

The Lists

Fic Update: Pragmatic Dreams (23/28)

Chapter Title: A Knight Off (Read on Ao3!)

Pairing: Lana Beniko/female Jedi Knight

Rating: Teen

Summary: When Darth Marr’s flagship is destroyed, the galaxy mourns the loss of a leader of the Jedi Order. And Lana Beniko mourns the loss of her lover. But when secrets are uncovered, Lana realizes that the only way to save the galaxy might just be to tear it apart, all for the woman she loves.

#

The blast came out of nowhere.

Lana’s first reaction is to shield herself with the Force, but she quickly let that idea go. On Zakuul she would only show herself as a Force user if her life depended on it. So she searched around, trying to figure out what exactly had happened.

“Woo! Firebrand!”

A number of cheers could be heard around the plaza, covering the screams of pain and fear. It took a moment, but then Lana found the source. A small explosion took out a status of the Immortal Emperor Valkorian in the park. Hopefully no one had been hurt.

Attention citizens. Stay where you are. Do not disperse, came a voice over the loudspeakers.

“Great,” Lana muttered to herself. “Just bloody great.”

She hadn’t planned on taking a trip to Zakuul this week. But Senya had news she wanted to deliver in person, and the Knight was an important enough contact that Lana thought it worth the effort. So she again had her small room in Darmas’ safe house. Just her bad luck to be in the part during a Firebrand attack.

Darmas had told her a bit about this Firebrand. How they seemed to rise out of nowhere to become almost a celebrity. No one knew who Firebrand was, apparently. Lana didn’t believe that for a second. These types of attacks almost felt like an inside job. Someone fighting against Arcann, perhaps? If so, Firebrand might be a useful ally one day.

But for now, Lana needed to figure out how to get herself out of the plaza without attracting attention. Already Overwatch Intelligence Agents were walking into the plaza. Her papers wouldn’t hold up to their scrutiny. Bored custom agents in ports, yes. Trained Intelligence Officers, no.

Her eyes scanned the scene, seeing a few medical droids and repair droids. Not a single Knight of Zakuul. As long as there were no Knights to sense Lana using the Force, she had a chance. So ignoring all of the chaos around her, she closed her eyes, and tried to become small, so small that no one would notice her. Not physically small, of course. That was impossible through the Force as far as she knew. But her essence, her sense of self, would be able to be overlooked.

Lana took one step back. Then another. And another, until she was next to a large stone wall that surrounded the park. Thanks to the shadows of the tall buildings of the Spire, no light shone down on her, leaving her in the dark. For a moment, she wished she had stealth skills like some Sith and Jedi. But she had none, though the idea of keeping a stealth generator on her person at all times was quite the appealing one.

Her back flush against the wall, fingers splayed, Lana breathed as evenly and as deeply as she could. She glanced over at the gate, where two Overwatch Intelligence Agents stood. Getting out through there would be impossible, which meant she had two options. Signal Darmas so he could arrange some sort of extraction or wait it out.

The commotion of the crowd was dimming. Now that the initial shock had worn off, people had stopped taking holovids. For a Firebrand attack, this was a minor one. There had been one last week were three dozen were injured. From what Lana could tell from a distance, no one had been killed.

That meant the easiest course of action would be to wait this out. To simply stand in the shadows until she found a chance to escape.

Lana bent her knees and tried to get comfortable. This could take a while.

#

“There you are,” Raina Temple said, grabbing Lana’s arm. Lana forced a warm smile on her face and linked their arms together. All part of the act. For anyone watching in the crowded square, they were just two friends taking a stroll. “You were due to check in three hours ago. Darmas and I have been worried.”

“Did you hear about the Firebrand attack?” Lana asked as they walked. “I was in the plaza.”

“Ah,” Raina said. “We’ve got to get you a better set of papers.”

Lana wanted to agree, but truth be told, she didn’t believe she would be on Zakuul often enough to warrant it. She didn’t want to be on Zakuul at this very moment, even if it meant she was close to Maebry. “There are far more important things to worry about,” she said.

“Aren’t there always?” Raina asked as they turned a corner.

As they walked down the street leading to the safe house, still arm in arm, Lana kept a lookout for anything unusual. Without asking, she knew Raina was doing the same. The safe house was small, but still in a decent part of town. A perfect cover.

Raina opened the door, letting Lana inside. While the outside of the house matched the neighborhood around it, the inside was bare to the point of barren. Nothing that could give away anything about the identities of the people who lived here.

Darmas sat at a table, shirt sleeves rolled up, hand on the blaster at his hip. “About time. You couldn’t call?”

“Firebrand attack,” Raina said as she flopped down onto the beige sofa. “Overwatch had the usual security up, so no one could make holocalls.”

“That person is becoming a nuisance,” Darmas said, relaxing in his chair. Lana tended to agree. That sort of anarchy… It went against everything she believed in. “Have you heard her latest manifesto?”

Lana tilted her head and listened, having trouble making out the words over the static in the message. More rambling about freedom and rebellion. Nothing concrete and no real call to action. As far as Lana was concerned, this Firebrand only cared about themself and not Zakuul.

“That’s a new voice modulator,” Raina said, a frown appearing. “There’s something about the cadence in the voice that’s familiar, like I should be able to place it.” Rubbing her eyes, she added. “It’s maddening.”

“It’s impossible to know everything, Miss Temple,” Darmas said. “As infuriating as that is, all Cipher Agents learn that lesson eventually.”

“I’m ready to go to the Lady of Sorrows to find out,” Raina said as she crossed her arms over her chest.

This was something new. “Lady of Sorrows? I’ve not heard that name before,” Lana said as she sat down on the other side of the sofa.

“My newest competition,” Darmas said and Lana didn’t think she imagined the hint of bitterness in his voice. “Three months on this planet and she’s managed to get a bigger network than I have. It has to be more than one person. A single person could never set this all up.”

“Could she be an asset?” Lana asked, grabbing her holopad to take notes. There was something to be said about widening their net a bit. If they were going to find a way into Maebry’s prison, more help wouldn’t be a bad thing at all.

“I’ve tried to make contact,” Darmas said, hands on his hips. “Sent some of my best informants. She saw right through them. You’re welcome to try, but I need to focus on keeping the assets I already have instead of getting new ones.”

“Understood,” Lana said. This Lady of Sorrows sounded like a unknown quantity and if was nothing Lana appreciated less than that. Hopefully she wouldn’t be an issue down the road.

#

Nursing a slightly too sour whiskey, Lana waited at the bar. After her adventure earlier today, she wasn’t quite feeling up to going out to meet Senya. Instead, Lana invited the Knight to Darmas’ bar. Here they could go into a private booth, she could disable whatever listening devices she was sure Darmas had installed, and have a chance to speak freely.

Lana even felt a sense of anticipation about the meeting, if she was honest. There was a small part of herself that hoped she and Senya might be able to become more than colleagues, even friends perhaps. Because even if she and Theron were friends again and Koth had stopped keeping so much of a distance, Lana could always use another friend. It was a luxury she found herself wanting. She didn’t believe the Force would lead her to Senya simply have her be another contact.

Of course, if she were to become friends with Senya, she’d have to take precautions. Koth, for example, could not be told of Senya’s cooperation until absolutely necessary. Lana didn’t particularly like the idea of hiding Senya from Koth, but the animosity there was too strong.

As she waited, a gentleman walked up and stood right next to her. Lana sighed, visibly, and looked over at the man. “Chat me up at your peril,” she said in as pleasant of a voice as she could.

Without missing a beat, the man tipped his hat and walked away without a backwards glance. Thank goodness for people who understood the concept of no. Swirling the ice in her glass, Lana debated whether or not to have another whiskey. Meeting a contact tipsy was probably not the right way to do things, but Lana was finding more and more that she wasn’t quite interested in the right way to do things.

If she had been, she would still be a Sith.

Before she needed to make an actual decision, the door opened and in walked Senya. From first glance, thanks to her casual tunic and trousers, with her hair down around her shoulders, no one would ever think her a Knight of Zakuul. But even from here, Lana could sense her power.

Leaving the tumbler of whiskey behind at the bar, Lana walked up to Senya. “Come,” she said. “I reserved one of the private booths so we can talk freely.”

“I don’t think that’s possible anywhere in the galaxy,” Senya said, the smile on her face not reaching her eyes. “But I’m willing to pretend.”

The cantina was busy tonight, with most tables full. The first time Lana stepped in here almost three years ago, it was a bit of a dive. Now that Darmas had made himself quite the businessman and owned the place, he had done a number of renovations. Now the cantina looked like a place where someone might go to be seen. Granted, that was the last thing Lana wanted at the moment.

“Here we go,” Lana said, gesturing to the booth. They slipped inside, and Lana pulled over the curtains so they couldn’t be seen. Then as discreetly as she could, Lana brought out her holopad and ran a scan for listening devices. Two within the immediate area were discovered, which she quickly neutralized. Darmas would understand. “There. No one should be able to overhear us unless they’re underneath the table.”

“Should we check, just in case?” Senya asked.

For just a moment, Lana wondered if she was serious. But then the smile on Senya’s face gave it away. To keep with the levity, Lana tapped her foot against Senya’s side of the booth. “I think we’re safe. Look.” She tapped the screen of the booth’s built in holopad. A black and white video of the area just outside the booth appeared. “No one can even listen outside. Plus we can order drinks and food directly from the pad.”

“A drink sounds like a good idea,” Senya said. “Business, then a bottle of wine?”

“You read my mind,” Lana said, her cheeks warming a bit at the thought. Perhaps Senya needed a new friend just as much as Lana did.

“Reading between the lines, I gather that you and the Outlander were - are - close?” Senya asked.

The unexpected mention of Maebry stung a bit. True, her lover was never far from her thoughts, but Lana had long stretches of time when she didn’t think about Maebry at all, times when she was too caught up in work or simply trying to live her life. Perhaps that was selfish of her, but perhaps it was not. “That’s correct,” Lana said with a small nod, not trusting herself to say anything else at the moment.

“I’ve heard some rumors among the Knights.”

Lana folded her hand neatly on the table and concentrated on keeping her heart rate steady. “What sort of rumors?”

“There is talk of a tour,” Senya said. “The emperor of Zakuul is apparently not content with the adorations of his people. It’s being discussed as a victory tour, where Arcann would travel around the globe with choice spoils of war.”

“Like the Outlander,” Lana said, her voice breathy. The thought made her sick to her stomach, Arcann parading Maebry around like a a trophy. Maebry would be absolutely humiliated. But then Lana’s practical side won out. It would be so much easier to rescue Maebry if she was out of the the storage building.

Over the years, and especially since she had fallen in love with a Jedi, Lana learned that hope was a dangerous thing. Insidious, almost. Just a speck, a tiny morsel and it could spread like a wildfire, burning everything in it’s wake. Lana was teetering dangerously on the edge of hope. To have her lover by her side again, to fight together, to work to save the galaxy…

She could meet with Admiral Aygo, now the military head of the Alliance, for ideas. He tended to be unconventional and that would be what was needed.

“I see the wheels turning in your head,” Senya said quietly. “If I hear of any concrete plans, I’ll let you know right away.”

“Thank you,” Lana said, even when the words didn’t seem to be enough. “I appreciate you telling me, especially in person. That is not the sort of news I would want to hear over the holonet.”

Movement on the booth’s holopad caught Lana’s eye. Someone stood outside their booth. Lana signaled to Senya to stay quiet, at least until this eavesdropper disappeared. A moment later, another figured appeared, but this one wore a server’s uniform, and ushered the interloper out of sight. Hopefully Lana could learn later on just who stood outside their booth. Perhaps Darmas needed better security.

“We should be safe to talk again,” Lana said. “And frankly, after what you’ve just told me, I could use a drink.”

“One more minute of business, then I will happily have some wine,” Senya said. “I arranged for Vortena to see me on Asylum. Well, not me. But my ship. He and his crew hightailed it out of there the moment they realized I was there.”

“It seems like this evening will be centered around thanking you,” Lana said. She doesn’t believe in fate, not really, but whatever led her to meet Senya, she was grateful for it. “How did you manage that?”

“I have my ways,” Senya said, sounding more than a little mischievous. “I’ve managed to keep track of his ship through my contacts. He was getting too complacent, without me chasing him everywhere. I needed to scare the life back into him.”

Lana founded herself chuckling at the thought. Though she was sure Koth wouldn’t appreciate the sentiment. “As long as he’s not in custody, I’m content,” she said.

“And I believe that means it’s time to drink,” Senya said, pulling the booth’s holopad towards them. “I’m going out on a limb and will guess that you favor white wine.”

With elbows on the table and resting her chin on her hands, Lana said, “I didn’t realize I was so obvious. I suppose that means I should try to figure out you. Red?”

Lana wasn’t sure why she thought that. A silly game, perhaps, picking out wines. But she desperately needed a little silly in her life. Try as she might, keeping up the persona of the cool and collected Sith could be wearing. Everyone needed a break now and then. Even her.

“Got it in one,” Senya said, leaning back in the booth. “I suppose that only means one thing.”

“If you say to order two bottles…” Lana said with a laugh. If she weren’t in the middle of a enemy territory, she would be quite tempted to have a bottle of her own. But this was Zakuul. Even among friends at Darmas’ cantina, complete safety was impossible. She could drink, get tipsy, even. But drunk? Simply not an option.

Senya let out a laugh. “Stars, no. I have to work tomorrow. I was thinking more about meeting in the middle. A blush wine, perhaps?” she asked.

“Perfect,” Lana said, pushing the booth’s holopad towards Senya. “I’m afraid I haven’t taken the time to learn Zakuulan wines, so I’ll let you do the honors.”

Mere minutes passed before a server opened up the curtain to their private booth, holding a bottle of wine and two glasses. The server was nondescript, plain almost. Far from the type of workers Lana would have expected Darmas to hire. But that was most likely the point. The server blended in seamlessly and would hardly be noticed. Easier to move around and listen to conversations, no doubt.

But those were the thoughts of a former Minister of Sith Intelligence, not a woman about to have a night off for the first time in a very long time. Once the server had poured the wine and discreetly left the booth, Lana picked up her glass. “What should we toast?”

Senya raised her glass, a thoughtful look crossing her face. “To freedom,” she said.

Lana could drink to that. She clinked her glass to Senya’s. “To freedom.”

Amanda Bussey is becoming the gold standard for Special Olympics golf

New Post has been published on https://tattlepress.com/golf/amanda-bussey-is-becoming-the-gold-standard-for-special-olympics-golf/

Amanda Bussey is becoming the gold standard for Special Olympics golf

There’s a strong case to be made that one of the most versatile athletes on the First Coast is 36-year-old Special Olympian Amanda Bussey of Jacksonville. 

She’s certainly one of the most decorated. Bussey has won 18 medals in Florida State Special Olympics competition (seven gold, six silver and five bronze) and more than 30 medals when adding regional events. 

And Amanda has earned those medals in six sports: golf, bowling, basketball, soccer, surfing and stand-up paddle boarding. 

But her ticket to next year’s Special Olympics U.S. Games in Orlando is golf, where she qualified under the alternate-shot format, which pairs a Special Olympian with a family member or friend. They then take turns hitting shots on each hole for a team score. 

In Amanda Bussey’s case, her partner will be Hidden Hills member Jane Verkouten, a retired banker from Charlotte, N.C., who never imagined herself playing a sport on a national stage before she met Amanda – a match orchestrated by Robin Luck, another Hidden Hills member whose son Ryan plays Special Olympics golf. 

To this day Luck, who is a volunteer on the Northeast Florida Region Special Olympics management team, isn’t sure why he thought Amanda and Jane would make a good team. 

“I really didn’t know they would,” he said. “I just threw it out there. I thought Jane might be the type of person who was interested.” 

Amanda had been playing with her mother, but Julie Bussey, a real estate advisor for Engel and Volkers, was concerned her job wasn’t giving her enough time to play and practice and asked Luck to help her find another partner. 

Verkouten and her husband Steve Bona don’t have children together (Bona has one son from a previous marriage) but she doesn’t view the relationship with Amanda Bussey as a mother-daughter or even big sister-little sister dynamic. 

All she knows is that it works, and it has enriched her life. 

“She’s such an incredible, happy person,” Verkouten said of Amanda. “She’s so enthusiastic about playing and gets so excited when we have a round scheduled. I get texts from her all that day telling me how she can’t wait to get on the golf course. I would just describe it as a really good friendship. We celebrate birthdays and Christmas, go to lunch and dinner … and we play a lot of golf.” 

In addition to her intellectual disability, Amanda is deaf because of spinal meningitis that nearly killed her when she was 2 years old. Her mother, Verkouten and other family and close friends can understand her but mostly Amanda communicates with her eyes, gestures and smile — all of which speak volumes. 

And less than year out from the 2022 U.S. Special Olympics, Amanda is already counting down the days. 

“June 5,” she says excitedly, pumping both of her arms in the air. 

And while Amanda has excelled in multiple sports, golf is her favorite, for one key reason. 

“It takes a long time,” she said. 

Her mother explained. 

“It takes longer to play a round of golf than a basketball or soccer game,” she said. “That means Amanda gets to spend more time doing something she loves.” 

A happy baby, then questions 

Julie Bussey, a Bishop Kenny graduate, read all the baby books. She had long conversations with her doctor. She took all of the prenatal precautions. She was more than ready for her first-born child Amanda, who checked in at a healthy 7 pounds, 10 ounces on Sept. 23, 1984 at the Valley Medical Center in Fayetteville, N.C., near Fort Bragg, where her father Larry was a paratrooper with the 82nd Airborne. 

In the first few weeks, friends and family fawned over Amanda’s dark brown eyes and curly dark hair. Words such as “gorgeous” and “beautiful” were music to the ears of her mother, who spent long hours cradling a happy infant who smiled frequently, nursed enthusiastically and hardly ever cried. 

“When she was hungry or needed changing, she could make these small sounds, a very subtle fuss,” Julie Bussey said. “She never cried at the top of her lungs. It was more of a pouty sound, and when she got fed or changed, she stopped. Everything was good.” 

But by the time Amanda reached four months old, her mother began noticing little things. She had read enough to know a baby’s timetable: when they could hold their heads up, when they could roll over or when they attempted to get on hands and knees to crawl. 

Months went by without Amanda reaching those milestones. Her mother had her tested at Walter Reed Army Hospital in suburban Washington D.C., and doctors didn’t come up with anything conclusive, other than Amanda had low muscle tone and slow motor skills. 

They eventually diagnosed her with muscular dystrophy, “just so we could start some therapy,” Julie Bussey said. 

Much later, then found out that Amanda had what is now called “I/DD” — intellectual and developmental differences. 

Once again, Julie Bussey followed doctors’ advice diligently and never missed a therapy session or working with her daughter at home. 

She became pregnant with her son Daniel (daughters Rachel and Tiffany would follow), with all four children born within a five-year span. 

It was large, happy family. 

Then every mother’s nightmare came dangerously close to coming true. 

Slipping away … then coming back 

Julie Bussey went to the small bedroom where 2-year-old Amanda had been put down for an afternoon nap a few hours earlier. When she picked her daughter up, Bussey said the feeling was as if Amanda “was on fire.” 

She quickly took the baby’s temperature: 105 degrees. Amanda was rushed to Fort Bragg’s Womack Medical Center, where measures were quickly taken to try to control the raging fever. 

There was little change the next morning. Julie Bussey had not left her child’s side but watching her laying on her back, listless, hardly moving, a horrible feeling began coursing through her body. 

“I saw her leaving me,” Julie Bussey said. “I called for the nurse and told her, ‘I can see her going away … get someone in here. Do something.’” 

Doctors did a spinal tap and more aggressive antibiotics were started. Julie Bussey was told the devastating news: Amanda might not survive the day. 

But it’s also when Julie Bussey found out that she had one tough little girl. Amanda held on … and slowly came back. She was in the hospital for two weeks before being discharged. 

Julie Bussey said one other child in their neighborhood caught meningitis but never really found out how Amanda contracted it. 

Later, they found out one lasting effect: Amanda was completely deaf in her left ear, and she is unable to hear high-frequency sounds in her right ear. 

The meningitis also slowed down Amanda’s physical therapy and timetable for crawling, walking and talking. 

However, she more than made up for lost time. 

Catching up and being a kid 

By the time Amanda was 5 years old, her motor skills began catching up to what was considered typical for a child that age. Her mother moved her and her brother and sisters back to the First Coast in 1990 and soon after, Amanda hit every kid milestone on time: learning to ride a bike, swim and more than that, keep up with her siblings and the other kids in their Atlantic Beach neighborhood. 

It was almost as if Amanda had some catching up to do. 

“Physically, she caught everyone and there wasn’t a thing that the other kids were doing that she couldn’t do,” Julie Bussey said. “And we treated her as normally as possible. Her brother and sisters were always great with her, and the kids in the neighborhood accepted her, once they learned to understand her challenges as far as her hearing and speech.” 

Family friends expressed some surprise that Julie Bussey made the same demands of Amanda as her other children. 

“She had to clean her room, clear the table after dinner … everything the other kids had to do,” she said. “People would actually be surprised about that but Amanda was the one who wouldn’t have it any other way.” 

The difficult part was when Julie Bussey’s other children began going to Fletcher High School, getting their driver’s license and getting after-school jobs. Amanda simply couldn’t engage in most of the rites of passage for teenagers. 

One place where Amanda wasn’t held back was sports. She has been competitive in every sport she’s attempted but golf is what got her to the U.S. Special Olympics, where she and Ryan Luck are the only two of an estimated 1,200 Special Olympic athletes in Duval qualified in golf, and among 17 statewide. 

Going for the gold 

Once Amanda started winning Special Olympics medals, there has been no stopping her. And it’s to the point where silver and bronze aren’t good enough anymore. 

“She hates to lose,” her mother said. “You can tell that when she’s on the podium with the other athletes to get their medals, she’s not happy unless she’s standing on the higher step for gold.” 

Amanda Bussey began playing golf 12 years ago when The Players Championship sponsored a clinic for special-needs adults at the TPC Sawgrass. Her mother had no idea how good her daughter would be but it only took one swing to convince her. 

“She started hitting the ball and it was like anything else she’s tried … she’s a natural athlete,” Julie Bussey said. “I kept thinking, ‘wow’ … one more thing she can do.” 

Special Olympics golfers have to progress in stages. They must first perform in a skills challenge not unlike Augusta National’s Drive, Chip and Putt competition, then progress to the second phase, playing alternate shot with a non-Special Olympian. 

That’s where Verkouten came in. The two then had to win a gold medal at the Florida Special Olympics and then go into a lottery system 

They found out in mid-June that Amanda and Verkouten had made it. In Orlando next year, they will be competing against more than 200 other golfers from the U.S. representing all 50 states. 

“She loves the game and she keeps getting better,” Verkouten said of Amanda. “She hits incredible tee shots, but like every other golfer, she’ll have some good and bad shots, good and bad putts. We’re both kind of unpredictable that way. But she will play as often as she can get out there.” 

“Putting is hard,” Amanda agreed. 

She then pointed to a leather tag on her golf bag that has become their mantra: “No water, no sand.” 

Out on her own

Amanda Bussey moved out of her mother’s house five years ago and lives at the Arc Jacksonville Village, a residence for adults with special needs who are able to live and work on their own. 

She had a job at Steinmart for 16 years before the chain went out of business, and now works at Marshall’s. She has three nephews and nieces and is the “fun” aunt, according to her mother. 

“She loves babies and they’ve loved her right back,” Julie Bussey said. “She’s an adult but she’s still such a kid at heart. It’s why she loves sports so much.” 

Golf may become the fastest-growing sport for children and adults with special needs. This past spring, Amy Bockerstette of Paradise Valley Community College near Phoenix, already believed to be the first athletes with Down syndrome to play college sports on scholarship, achieved another first, playing in the National Junior College Championship women’s championship in Ormond Beach. 

Modern sports psychologists who work with golfers stress staying in the moment, not worrying about results and putting both good and bad shots behind. Julie Bussey said that’s exactly how her daughter not only plays golf but approaches life. 

“She takes joy in hitting every shot,” she said of her daughter. “I wish I could live in her world just for five minutes – not worry about work, the cable bill, food prices – just live for every moment. That’s the blessing she gives all of us.” 

Verkouten said her relationship and the days she has spent with Amanda on the golf course have taught her a valuable lesson.

“When I’m having a bad day at golf, I just think of how happy it makes Amanda to just be out there,” she said. “Then you don’t worry so much about a bad shot.”

About Special Olympics

• The Northeast Florida Region of Special Olympics has more than 3,000 athletes — around 1,200 in Duval County.

• There will be 17 athletes from the Northeast Florida Region who will represent the state in the Special Olympics U.S. Games in Orlando June 5-12, 2022.

• More than 4,000 athletes and 10,000 volunteers will participate in the U.S. Games.

• For information on the programs offered in Northeast Florida Special Olympics, visit the web site at specialolympicsflorida.org/northeast.

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Gladiolus cheating on S/O Part 3

Hey guys :) Here’s the last part of Gladiolus’ cheating.

Poll results are at the bottom so I won’t spoil the outcome^^.

1st Part ; 2nd Part ; 3rd Part  // Noctis cheating 1 ; 2 ; 3 // Prompto cheating 1 ; 2 ; 3 // Ignis cheating 1 ; 2 // Ravus cheating

Words: 3700+

Genre: Angst, heartbreak, getting better, life changing decisions

Spoilers: None

Trigger warnings: Cheating, depression, disability

There was no light at the end of the tunnel. She tried to move on, tried to find forgiveness in her heart for him but it was impossible. Gladiolus' selfishness and ignorance regarding her complicated pregnancy were what caused her physical disability.. How could she ever forgive something so severe, something so life changing?

She was missing out on her baby's life, couldn't take part in most activities, couldn't teach her how to walk or write, couldn't even protect her alone. It was all Gladio's fault.. And that upset her greatly. Nonetheless, she tried. She really did. Eventually, she finally gave in and even exchanged kisses with him - for the sake of Heather. Although it hurt her and every physical intimacy reminded her of how other females had the privilege to touch him, too, she thought of her little girl that wanted her parents to be happy so badly. Heather was old enough to understand that they had been fighting, that something was wrong. Of course, she always asked, was noisy but to fix it, she always demanded her parents to hug. Each and every time, they did as she asked, holding up the façade of a happy family. Both wanted their daughter to experience that happy, unbreakable family. But it was unbearably hard.

All Gladio's 'I love you's, subtle touches, delicate kisses.. They kept breaking his S/O's heart. Over and over again. For the moment it lasted, it felt good.. But so bittersweet. Knowing she was slowly but surely sliding out of his hands worried him greatly. He bought gifts, made food, invited her to dates but it wasn't easing the pain in her heart. With each improvement she managed to accomplish, he started getting more anxious about her leaving. Imagining to lose both his girlfriend and their daughter scared him endlessly. Gladio was well aware that this was his mistake, that he was the one causing all this; it was his dream to make it all up. But that was a dream that would probably never come true.. He'd have to live with this guilt until the day he'd die. All he could do was support her, pay her bills as much as he could and care for their daughter. He dedicated his life to them.

Therefore, seeing his best friend carelessly flirt when his girlfriend surely upset him. He was boiling with jealousy every time he witnessed it. That she didn't care about it, even played along, only made it worse. His fear mixed with anger and he couldn't stop himself from letting it out. Instead of turning his anger at his girlfriend or daughter, he spent hours at the gym, worked out mercilessly. His behavior didn't stay unnoticed, his S/O knew something was off.. And she also knew what it was. But it actually didn't bother her all too much; it only gave her more time with Ignis. 

Although she knew she shouldn't, she really enjoyed spending time with him. He always listened, always lent a hand, always understood. On top of that, he always gave her adorable compliments. Ignis was a great friend.. And deep down she slowly started falling for his beautiful eyes and that wonderful smile. His hugs were great too. And his words, his accent were undeniably charming.

That she was growing feelings for another man ended up disturbing her more than she imagined. It felt so wrong but so right. However, she knew she had to hold back. Gladio, even though he did it himself, didn't deserve to be cheated on. So for the time being and until she was certain about her feelings, she just hopped in on the flirting but denied anything physical. That little bit of flirting was already enough to make her feel bad.

At least Heather loved Ignis, too. She considered him her uncle, always played with him whenever she could. In some way, he took her mother's role. All her mother could do was sit and watch.. Until Ignis changed that. He helped her sit on the floor, made sure pillows were supporting her back, giving her the ability to sit comfortably. While she still couldn't move her right arm, she could at least use her left arm to hold up her daughter's favorite toy. What really made this special was that she could finally cuddle her properly. They could lay next to each other on some pillows, have naps together. It was a nice change. All those months before, her back hadn't been stable enough to support the ability to sit, she would've slumped. But now that it was fine, her hard work paid off, new possibilities were opened to her. Enjoying more time with her daughter was one of them. Yes, she still needed help getting on and off the floor - but this was still a huge difference. Heather immediately approved of it, couldn't wait to cuddle her mom. Much to everyone's surprise, that little kid was incredibly understanding about her mother's condition. She didn't understand entirely but was raised on knowing her mother couldn't feel some parts of her body, sometimes couldn't be with her in return - but that she loved her regardless of that. It was insanely cute that, nowadays, she kept asking her mother if she could feel her legs or if she could help make them better.

Of course, that little bundle of joy lover her father, too. She loved being with him, play-fighting with him, playing with his hair. Heather appreciated that after working for so long, he came home. She was always the first to "run" up to him and hug his legs. He was often in charge of telling her about his adventures - she's always been very curious. Those were usually her bedtime stories. Those two were as good as inseparable. And that was exactly why Gladio's S/O was scared of breaking up with him. As time passed by, her curiosity for Ignis grew immensely.. But she didn't want to lose her baby. And aside from that, she felt terribly selfish for wanting to leave Gladiolus but she couldn't go on. Being with him felt more and more wrong with each day passing by. Kisses, sweet caresses, loving words - it all felt like lies. Her kisses began to get sloppier, her touches didn't feel as soft anymore and when Ignis finally confessed his feelings for her, she knew it had to come to an end. For too long had she been living with this lie, it was slowly eating away at her seams. The former love of her life deserved the truth.

"Gladio.. Can.. Can we have a talk?" she asked, sitting on the couch with a book in her lap.

It was Saturday evening, Gladio had just brought Heather to bed. The couple shared a lot of laughs today, both were in good moods for once and actually got along. A lot of the times they ended up arguing once their girl was in bed.. But today they both seemed to be fine. So his S/O finally collected her courage to tell him the truth.

"Sure.." he replied, biting his lip hard.

He knew. He knew their relationship was crumbling, that her interest was decreasing just as quickly as he love for him. He knew Ignis had feelings for her - they were best friends.. He had to confess to him, too. Losing her was still his biggest fear but during his workout sessions, he came to the conclusion that he'd have to let go if that's what she wanted. He'd still support her. But the future of their tiny princess would be altered.. And that's what worried him most. So far he couldn't tell if she'd choose to stay with him or her mom.. And he didn't want her to have to choose either. All these decisions scared him tremendously. He didn't want it to end but he would accept her decision.. At least that's what he told himself over and over again.

"Come sit with me" she smiled softly, patting the spot beside her.

Without saying another word, he walked over to her. This scenario already reminded him of when he introduced the idea of celebrating their 9th anniversary. The sadness in her eyes, the tears.. It upset him. After his confession, she stopped speaking to him for at least a week.. It hurt him, but he knew he deserved it. He hated himself for what he did. Needlessly to say, they didn't celebrate their anniversary. It was just another normal day. 

"What's on your mind?" he spoke, returning a faint smile.

"Gladiolus.. I.. I have to be honest with you.." she started, gulping between her words, "Our.. Our relationship - oh, six - I think w-we both know it's not exactly going uphill.."

That was all he needed to hear, tears shot in his eyes. That was it.

"I.. I treasure you. We spent good years together, had lots of fun but I.. I've been thinking a lot about us recently.. And..- we can't go on this way" she broke to him, her own eyes slowly filling up with tears; this was more difficult than she imagined it to be, "I'm hurting. I know it's been years since you c-cheated on me but I.. I can't forget it. I can't unsee it. Whenever I look at you I see what you did with those two girls. Right now, while I know you're extremely busy, I can't help but imagine that you have some kind of 'fuck buddies'. I.. I don't think I can ever regain my entire trust in you."

"Did you think about Heather in this?" he immediately returned, his heart racing a mile a minute yet feeling like it had been torn from his chest.

Although he tried to prepare for this, he currently didn't know what to do.

"Of course I have, Gladio. I know that we have a beautiful daughter that's unfortunately caught up in this. I know I'm probably selfish for wanting to end our relationship. But.. But we're both getting older and I don't want to waste your time any longer.. I don't want you to think I'm using you" she explained, folding her hands in her lap, "I really wanted us to work out. I promise I tried hard to ignore my own feelings in this.. But I can't. I.. I love you as a friend and you definitely still mean the world to me along with our daughter.. But I don't think we can work this out.."

For a few moments, silence surrounded the former couple. Neither knew what to say. Gladio fought his feelings. His self-hatred, undeniable anger and frustration but also his sadness. He had never experienced such heartbreak before.

"You're not wasting my time, I'm grateful for every moment I can spend with you.. And I don't think you're using me…" he started rambling on words, "I.. I-.."

"I'm sorry Gladio.." she apologized, quickly reaching out for his hands to hold them, "I know this is sudden.. But I can't keep this from you any longer.."

They had been together for long enough, she knew when he was struggling with his emotions. As someone that grew up without being allowed to show any kind of sadness, not even hint at it, these situations were new to him. He had yet to learn how to handle it, often just got angry at himself for feeling the way he did. His head lowered, he glanced at her hands. Back when he first found out about her pregnancy, he wanted to get married to her right away. Before he gave in to temptation, he was furiously planning on proposing to her. After everything went to hell and back, he refrained from doing so. He wanted to wait for the right time.. Now he knew that time would never come. Looking at her empty hand - the hand that was supposed to hold his ring - made him regret never asking her. Sure, she would've probably declined but at least he would've let her know how much she truly means to him. He felt like he missed out on that, perhaps didn't give his all. For just a moment, he intertwined their fingers, squeezed her hand tightly. It was his way of releasing emotions. He didn't want to cry..

"I.. No. - Ignis told me about his feelings for you.. It's because of him, right?" Gladio smiled sadly, slowly turning his gaze over to her.

"I c-can't deny that" she returned, sucking in her lip shortly after.

"If you two start dating, I hope he knows what a damn jewel he's got" Gladio stared right into her eyes as he spoke.

"That's n-not..-.." she rung for words, wanting to talk herself out of it.

"It's okay. I appreciate your honesty. And if you two really find happiness within another then.. I'm happy" he smiled through his pain, concealing it, "I don't wanna stand in your way."

Knowing him all too well, she knew that he was lying. He was hurting badly.

"Gladio.." she just breathed out, her eyebrows lowering to a gentle frown.

"I.. I'm sorry for my mistakes. What I did was indeed unforgivable.. I don't blame you for not being able to forgive and forget - I couldn't either if I were in your position. Nonetheless, I.. I was hoping my actions would prove to you that you mean the world to me" he gave in and admitted, "I was hoping we could eventually get married and become a real family. I'm sure Heather would've been perfect as the flower girl."

As she heard that, she couldn't help but shed a few tears. Imagining the scene in her head was adorable.. But it was truly unfortunate that it would never happen.

"Oh-.. I'm sorry" he apologized as he realized that she started crying and quickly used one of his hands to wipe her tears away, "I didn't mean to make you cry. D-don't feel guilty.. Or selfish. If being with me isn't good for you and you'd prefer to be with Ignis.. Or alone.. Then that's totally fine. I don't want you to torture yourself for me. I'm sure Heather will understand.. She always does. She's a smart kid."

Feeling his hand against her cheek one last time made her choke on her breath. Realizing that this would probably be the last time he'd do that suddenly hurt a lot more than she imagined. Even though she firmly believed that breaking up with him was the right decision, it still hurt. Over 9 years can't be erased that easily. 

"I-I don't want us to break up on bad terms. I still want to be in touch with you. I want to know how you're doing. I still want to be there for you.." she input quickly. 

"I know, I know. You're a good-hearted person. I've been able to experience that for long enough to know that you're a literal angel" he smiled at her, "I'd love to be in touch with you as well. And I hope you know that, no matter what, you can always talk to me."

"Thank you" she returned, swallowing down more tears.

"We'll probably take a few days.. Maybe even months to figure all this out. Do you want me to sleep on the couch until we find a solution?" he suggested, trying hard to maintain a calm demeanor and to not break down.

"No.. No, this is our bed. I trust you not to try and funny business. And I don't want you to be uncomfortable.." she shook her head, "But we..-.. I really want us to continuously raise Heather together. Maybe we can.. Slowly introduce the idea of us not dating anymore to her but in a way that she knows we don't hate each other. I don't ever want her to think bad of you, nor do I want her to think bad of me because of our decisions."

"I agree.." he nodded, "She loves both of us. She wants to be with both of us.. - I don't know how we'll do this when either of us moves out. She's so young.. I don't want her to have to choose between either of us.. Nor do I want her to just stay with either of us and miss the other one. We.. We really need to make sure she doesn't suffer from this."

"Yeah.. That's my biggest fear" she lowered her head.

"No, don't worry. We'll find a solution" Gladio returned right away, trying to be uplifting. 

"I hope you're right" she replied.

Afterwards, both remained silent for a few minutes, just taking in each others presence. Gladio was on the brink of crying, he was fighting hard.

"I'm surprised you're so.. Calm.." she broke their silence.

"Well,.. I.. I figured I had lost. From the moment I saw Ignis flirt with you, I knew my time was running out. When I was working out, I contemplated how to react when you'd break the news to me. At first I was convinced I'd beg you to stay.. Because that's what I want. But then I realized how selfish it would be. I love you.. And I only want what's best for you. And if someone else is better for you than me.. Then I'll support you getting with them. I decided to accept reality. All those past years, you've been rather cold to me - which is fine, I understand - so I tried to prepare for the worst" he explained, lowering his head once again, "But I don't feel prepared."

"I'm sorry" she apologized again. 

"Don't be. I should be the one apologizing. I kept secrets from you because I knew I'd lose you. That was wrong. I should've never betrayed you… because you honestly don't deserve that. While you were carrying the most wonderful gift one could ever ask for, suffering tremendous pain all the while, I went out to be the worst of a boyfriend I could possibly be" he frowned about his own behavior as he spoke, "You don't deserve this. You deserve better."

"As dumb as it may sound.. We all make mistakes. I still think that you're a good person. Aside from those mistakes, you've always been a good boyfriend. Yes, my pregnancy was shit. We were both acting up during that time. But I appreciate you. You will always have that special place in my heart. I will always love you in some way" she tried to comfort him, knowing that he was fighting his tears.

As she said that, he cracked a smile: "You'll always be special to me, too. And of course, I'll always love you."

Again, silence filled the room as the two just stared at each other, smiling faintly. "Can I .. Have a hug?" Gladio asked, feeling that his wall was about to crumble.. But he didn't want her to see.

"Anytime" she replied, smiling softly while she embraced him with her arms.

The second the former couple hugged, he started sobbing. He tried to suppress it.. But couldn't. Instead of showing her his face, he buried it in her neck. He wanted to take her in deeply one last time. At the same time, he didn't want her to feel guilty. Tears unwittingly left his eyes. He held her tightly, yet was so careful not to crush her. With each moment, his heart broke a little more. He lost her. He lost the one he loved so much because of his own mistakes. Probably to his best friend, too. She rubbed his back, tried her best to comfort him. After so many years of dating she knew how he was. She knew he didn't want her to witness this. It took him a while to finally regain his composure. Then they went to bed.. Just like they did through all those years.

For months, that cycle repeated. They had yet to figure out how all of this was supposed to work out. Their master plan was two connected houses. Or looking for two apartments that were in the same building, optimally even connected as well. Meanwhile, they slowly introduced to Heather that the love they shared was a different kind: a friendship one. She probably didn't quite understand that yet.. But she was happy for them nonetheless. She really was just a cheerful child.

Ignis and Gladio's ex got closer in no time. Yes, it hurt the shield greatly.. But he loved both these people so much, he tried his best to just be supportive. Eventually, they decided to start dating but they took it very slow. Heather wasn't supposed to know yet. But that also meant that Gladio received his final goodbye kiss. The former couple kissed one last time before she got together with Ignis. And that kiss lingered on his lips for ages. Probably forever.

As months passed by, they finally found two suitable apartments that weren't too expensive but wheelchair friendly. The contract was signed and within a few more days, they moved in, started living separately. It was a huge step for both of them. They missed each other.. But Gladio's ex at least had Ignis to dry her tears. 

Heather had a room at both their places. Her parents had keys to both apartments. They remained good friends after all. Sometimes they even had sleepovers, typically when Heather was sick. She was their top priority and whenever she was sick, she tended to cry for both her parents. She needed both of them. It was a little complicated but definitely manageable.

Gladio was willing to pay for both their apartments on top of all the bills. He still blamed himself for everything and refused to force another burden on his beloved ex by dropping his support. Of course, she highly appreciated it but she also began looking for minor jobs once her health allowed it. 

The relationship with Ignis and her was going incredibly good. He did everything for her, loved her endlessly. That she wasn't ready for too much physical intimacy didn't bother him. He knew her story and was willing to wait no matter how long it'd take. He was serious about this. And grateful that his best friend wasn't acting up about it. They remained friends, spoke about everything. Gladio never failed to remind him that he should better treat her right. 

The life of the former couple was changing greatly but their relationship even improved. They were better friends than they used to be. They were closer than they used to be. But nonetheless, they were separated. 

Deep inside, Gladiolus hoped that someday, he would be given another chance.. That someday, they could be the tiny family they always wanted to be. But if that someday would ever happen, was written in the stars.

Poll results:

Masterlist ; 1st Part ; 2nd Part ; 3rd Part  // Noctis cheating 1 ; 2 ; 3 // Prompto cheating 1 ; 2 ; 3 // Ignis cheating 1 ; 2 // Ravus cheating