#i love exploring it but also they hurt me.
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recent books read in brief
the dispossessed, ursula k le guin, 1974 — she freaked it on this one. great use of past+present split structure. great ending. should be taught in high school but i understand why it might not be
pet sematary, stephen king, 1983 — kind of like the seinfeld effect where it skillfully originates a trope and then feels dated? but for haunted indian burial grounds??? does have an incisive exploration of grief and a perfect last scene. also, fence your yard, jesus christ man
dark matter, blake crouch, 2016 — goes down smooth like gogurt
the lathe of heaven, ursula k le guin, 1971 — i liked the weird little gentle protagonist and his mean love interest. the climate change hurt my feelings. should reread it and develop better thoughts
the amazing adventures of kavalier and clay, michael chabon, 2000 — wahhhhhhhhh (me weepin). what a perfect balance of skilled artifice (prose voice, plot) and animating humanity
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❤️🔥Violent Heart Part 1: ♪All I've ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you ♫ (or the VERY DARK Stepdad!Mechanic!Covict!Joel x Afab!you one)❤️🔥
A/n: It's here!!!!!! This took me 7 freaking months so you mofos better like, reblog, and comment. This is both my most and least personal fic I've ever written and it is dark and relies heavily on plot (no smut until part 2 but i swear it's worth the backstory!!!!) READ ALL OF THE TAGS DO NOT COME FOR ME UNLESS YOU DID THIS FR FR. This ones for my dark joel fangirlies(guys and NBies) and the daddy issues fam ily ❤️🔥 (also not me naming my fic in part after hallelujah by leonard cohen but there is a reason!!!!!!!!!!)
Summary: The story starts with Part 1 where afab!Y/N is a child and Joel is her new stepdad and this story explores their relationship. Themes of abusive family, domestic violence, child abuse, daddy issues, physical violence, murder, stepcest (kinda b/c he is divorced from her mom technically but she grew up with him as her stepdad), infidelity, age gap, and more are explored throughout the fic. PLEASE READ SPECIFIC TAGS (part 2 tags will be added with the release of part 2). Part 2 picks up with Y/N at age 20 and how her relationship with Joel has changed and gets steamier. NOTHING SEXUAL OCCURS BETWEEN Y/N and JOEL until Y/N is 20!!!!!!! Also check out this playlist of music that's in the fic!!!!
Tags (PLEASE READ): Afab!you, stepdad!joel, mechanic!joel, convict!joel, no apocalypse au, Mentions of sex (little detail), mentions of male masturbation, infidelity, domestic abuse/violence, sibling abuse/violence (no one ever talks about sibling abuse but it’s very real), physical child abuse, neglect, allusions to past domestic violence, cursing, brief mention of pedophilia and kidnapping (David), allusions to committing future pedophilia (David), threats, cancer mention, Sarah death discussion, Tommy death mention, murder, prison, mentions of god and religion, fights, general violence, alcohol consumption, using music lyrics to move the plot, daddy issues, use of y/n
Word Count: ~15k
PART 2 (coming soon)
Ao3 Link
Violent Heart Masterlist
Full Masterlist of all my work
Joel Miller is not a good man, that he knows like the backs of his calloused hands.
He knows loss too, feels it burrowed in the hollow cavity of his chest. Sees it in the face of every little girl he meets.
The memories sting.
He knows pain, deep in the depths of his character, down to the fundamentals of what makes him something that resembles a human being. The belts, the bigger hands, the harsh words, and then the grief. The recent Bring back my babygirl! The ancient ¡Basta, Papí, por favor, no Tommy, no Mamá! ¡Por favor no esta noche! The indignity of begging, always reduced to begging to a cruel man, an indifferent doctor, a cruel universe.
He knows hard work, how to work with his hands. He knows the grit and grease of labor. Sees the cogs turning in the engines he fixes, relates to them. Feels like he knows them intimately because he is one too, chugging along day after endless day. But no one dares fix Joel Miller.
Until…
Her name is Erica and she’d like her front bumper replaced, please. She has long eyelashes and a soothing voice. And she has money too, at least more than he, who is almost broke from the cost of Sarah’s medical bills. She comes with baggage, Joel can tell from looking into her eyes, but then again so does he. And he hasn’t been laid in god knows how long.
She takes him on a date and he lets her. She reveals she has two kids, but Joel doesn’t care. They fuck at her place while the kids are at school and she wants it soft, like her hands, and that’s how Joel gives it to her.
A week later, Joel has moved in, which is good because his rent was due and he couldn’t pay it. He still hasn’t met the children.
***
It’s Joel’s day off and he’s sitting on the couch in his new home. His back hurts, but that’s nothing new. He’s got an excellent view of their nice, big backyard with a wooden fence. The kind of home he would have liked to have given Sarah. He sighs. Technically, nothing is wrong.
Then he sees it. It takes him a second to realize what is going on. It’s a whirlwind. He sees the back gate open and two tumbling forms fall over the threshold onto the manicured grass. One form is bigger, a boy of about twelve or thirteen beating the shit out of a much smaller form, fists flying. The other form is a little girl, no more than eight, defending herself like her life depends on it. Perhaps it does with the way he’s going at her.
This must be the son, Aiden, and the daughter, Y/N.
He’s a good boy, really, but he has anger issues sometimes. He’s been through a lot. That’s what Erica said, but Joel does not see a good boy. He sees a bully. A disproportionately violent one at that. Nothing that tiny girl could have possibly done could warrant the brutality he sees before him.
Anger is something else Joel knows intimately, and that is what he greets when he runs outside to end the fray.
“Stop that!” he roars, pulling Aiden off of Y/N.
“Who the fuck are you!?” the boy screams, fury and hatred radiating off of his entire being.
He continues thrashing and punching at nothing as Joel restrains him.
“I’m gonna kill her!” he screams, his eyes bulging.
“What the hell happened?” Joel growls, still holding onto the livid boy–verging on young man.
“She ripped up my paper!” he bellows. “For no fucking reason! I worked hard on it!”
“It was a lie,” she says with so much conviction Joel almost flinches.
He looks down at the little girl, her nose bleeding, her right eye turning purple. She has tears streaked down her face, but she is not crying. Her shirt is ripped. The first thing he thinks of when he sees her is Sarah. Of course it’s Sarah, how could he not think of her? But this little girl is different, has a different look in her eye. This look is much harder and feels like she’s lived a thousand lifetimes. He thanks god Sarah never looked that way, but somehow he wants to hear about everything this little girl has experienced. Something twangs in Joel’s chest that he has not felt in what feels like an eternity.
“It was not a lie, you stupid bitch whore!” Aiden shouts angrily, still fighting back against Joel’s unrelenting grip. “Take that back!”
“No, you take it back! Dad is not a hero. You could’ve picked anyone to write about and you choose him? After everything he’s done?” she screams herself.
The sound of her voice is powerful but desperate. Joel feels himself needing to know more and bury himself deep inside her experiences.
“SHUT UP!” Aiden yells, finally ceasing his movements.
A tear falls from his cheek.
“If I let you go, will you stop whooping your sister?” Joel snaps firmly.
“Get away from me, you stupid cuck!” Aiden curses, turning his energy to Joel. “Who the hell are you to me? Fuck you! I’m out of here!”
He wriggles out of Joel’s grasp and Joel lets him go and Aiden storms back out the rear gate, slamming it behind him.
“You alright?” he asks Y/N.
Joel crawls over on his knees, still upright, closer to her.
“Had worse,” she shrugs, running a hand through her messed-up hair.
She wipes the tears and blood from her cheeks.
Joel shudders to imagine what she means.
“He always like that?”
“Yeah,” she nods. “So you Mom’s new boyfriend?”
“Something like that,” he nods back. ”’M Joel. Joel Miller.”
“I’m Y/N,” she says a bit mournfully. “Here,” she continues suddenly, reaching out a small hand to his cheek. She wipes blood (hers) gently off his stubbly face. “Didn’t mean to get ya dirty.”
Joel is nothing short of touched. He wasn’t even aware he could still have such a feeling. His cheeks go rosy pink. His heart pulses. He stares at her delicate hands and notices a long, thin scar on her left middle finger.
“‘S no trouble, sweetheart,” he hears himself reassuring her. “Let’s get you cleaned up. Could even mend your shirt if ya want. Know how to sew and all.”
He reaches out a large hand, but she flinches at the sudden movement. A dull ache wells up in Joel’s chest.
“Not gonna hurt you, honey. Swear it.”
He wants with every fiber of his being for her to believe him, for it to be true.
She takes his hand.
***
That evening Erica is still not home, working late Joel supposes. It is nine o’clock when Aiden slinks back into the house.
Joel stops him from making his way up the stairs. He is more than familiar with the art of creeping.
“Think you oughta apologize to your sister,” he says as gently as possible. Maybe he can impart some manners onto this unruly child now that he’s calmed down some. “You beat her real bad. You’re much bigger than her.”
“I’d do it again,” Aiden hisses, his eyes cold. “It makes me feel better.”
And then, to Joel, the answer is simple. What do you do with a bully who won’t repent? Fight him back. Show him who’s boss, who’s bigger.
He grabs Aiden by the arm in a flash of anger and drags him up the stairs. The boy screams and flails, but that doesn’t deter Joel. He brings him to the room he assumes is his, the walls covered in sports posters and memorabilia.
“Take off your shirt,” he growls, a familiar fury pounding inside his chest.
When Aiden protests, Joel does it for him, ripping the kid’s shirt nearly in half. Rage floods through Joel’s veins and he can’t exactly place why, but the feeling is very real and bouldering through him at an alarming speed. He knows this feeling, feels strangely at home there.
He undoes his belt and brings the leather end down on Aiden’s back, not the buckle like his father used to do. Joel does have some decency buried deep in his chest. And then he loses himself to the unyielding anger.
“You get ten,” he snarls. “Don’t you lay a hand on your sister again. Is that understood? Now you answer to me.”
No response except for a scream.
“I said , do you understand?” Joel roars, bringing down the belt.
Rage consumes him like a drug. He barely registers what he’s doing. The belt goes down again and again. And somehow, through the screaming and the pain, and the intoxicating feeling of being completely in control for once, Joel’s line of vision wanders to the bedroom door. In all the excitement, it was left ajar and out in the hallway, sitting on her knees is Y/N. Joel immediately expects fear, despair, revulsion. When Tommy would watch him take a beating his face would betray the most acute sense of hopelessness and terror and the waterworks would begin. But Y/N just stares at him unflinchingly, at what he’s doing. She doesn’t cry, she simply sees. Too much for a child, and yet, she watches. She does not intervene, doesn’t even try to. And for the tiniest moment, her and Joel’s eyes connect, and he feels a sense of calm, of comprehension, of recognition in that uncannily knowing gaze. Her irises sparkle and Joel feels…something that he cannot entirely articulate. Seen? Accepted? Understood? Joel knows logically what he is doing is an ugly, vile thing — he has never claimed to be a good man. Practical maybe, but never good. And yet, Y/N sees it — sees him — and she doesn’t look away. She cocks her head slightly, and images of Tommy grimacing in revulsion and fear as Joel mercilessly beat up their childhood neighborhood bullies to the point of unconsciousness pop into his mind, of the haunting look in his brother’s eyes. Even Sarah could not stomach his violent heart when she witnessed him beat up some pervert with a camera that had looked at her funny at the mall. Even though it was for her — to keep her safe. She had stared at him in disgust and pity. She had not seen him then at all.
But now, looking at Y/N, for the briefest moment, Joel can swear he sees something resembling a smile flicker over her serious face. And though it goes as quickly as it comes, he feels the familiar sensation gnawing at the bottom of his stomach: primal and untameable, soft and vulnerable, but fierce and loud at the same time. He feels an inexorable, inescapable sense of care and devotion to this child. But most of all, because she sees him, truly sees him, and does not turn away in disgust, Joel Miller feels the gut-wrenching, unquenchable sensation of love deep in his chest. For the first time since Sarah died on that hospital bed, weak and unwell from the chemo he could not afford, he feels alive .
***
Things fall into a tentative routine. Every morning, Joel wakes up in bed beside Erica. They fuck the night before more often than not, but always in that same slow way that doesn’t do much for Joel. It’s enough to get off, sure, she isn’t an unattractive woman, but he’s mostly there for the meal ticket and roof over his head. He goes to work at the auto-body repair shop, Erica goes to her job at her law firm. The kids ride the bus to school. He gets home in the evenings before Erica and spends time coexisting with the children. Usually, he kicks back on the sofa, rubbing his sore back, and watches television, minding his own business. Aiden mostly avoids him, doing god knows what in his room. He bullies his sister cruelly and Joel punishes him when he sees fit. Erica knows what he does to Aiden and either doesn’t care or approves. He never lays a hand on Y/N though. She warms up to him slowly, cautiously. Most evenings she sits on the far end of the couch and Joel on the other, but as she gets used to him and sees that he’s not a threat, at least to her, she scoots closer.
The children’s father is no longer in their lives from what Joel can tell, which is perfectly fine with him. When Joel’s heart does not feel full of lead, he plays the guitar. Y/N sits and watches him. She is a quiet child, but unrelentingly brave. When Joel lets the TV blare, he rarely cares to pay much attention these days, she stays and watches with him, no matter what is on and never complains or asks to change the channel. Blockbuster zombie apocalypse movie? She watches. News special on America’s most dangerous serial killers? She watches. Documentary on venomous snakes? She watches. Should Joel be letting her watch this crap? Who the fuck knows? He isn’t her father. And plus, he won’t admit this to anyone, hardly even himself, but he likes having some company. It makes everything feel…less. And he likes that she doesn’t try to make him speak. Sometimes there are no words and he thinks Y/N understands this. Unlike Erica who yaps every second of the day. But Joel stays polite and plays along. He has to.
But he will not lie, Aiden gets on his very last nerve. There is something that Joel cannot quite place that makes him feel like he has known this boy his whole life even though they are as familiar as perfect strangers. All siblings fight and rough-house. That is normal. Hell, he and Tommy used to fight rough and tumble all the time. But the way Aiden bullies Y/N is something else entirely. And most times, it is unprovoked. And he is so much bigger than she is, growing bigger by the day.
Joel’s beatings have not stopped Aiden’s anger and sadistic attitudes, but they do make sure that he takes some kind of physical consequence for his crimes. It makes Joel feel better and he thinks it makes Y/N feel better too. And some days he gets so fucking mad at Aiden that he thinks not even god could stop his wrath even if the boy turned into Mother Theresa herself! Okay, maybe that’s extreme, but another part of Joel thinks maybe it’s not. The truth is, though he is loathe to admit it, some days, he is not in control of his anger. Some days he punches so hard, his knuckles bleed and he has to stop for a second to come back to himself. Others he goes so roughly on Aiden that he causes the kid to become bloody and he feels ashamed of what he’s done. But there are other days, very dark days, where he wishes he could do it over and over again. He convinces himself he’s doing it for Y/N and not some other sinister ulterior motive he does not care to dwell on…
One night, a few months into Joel’s new living arrangements, he walks through the upstairs hallway to his and Erica’s bedroom, passing the closed door to the bathroom that the kids share. He has done this what feels like a thousand times before and doesn’t think anything of it until he stops and realizes he hears Y/N singing.
♪“ Someday, my pain / Someday, my pain will mark / You…”♫ she sings softly.
He can barely hear it over the crash of the water from her shower, but her voice is beautiful. It pulls at Joel’s shrunken heart, deep inside his long-dead chest. Her voice has an eerie quality to it too, almost haunting. He’s not sure of what song it is, but he finds himself wanting to know. Eventually, she stops, and Joel goes to bed, but her voice echoes in his mind for hours as he lies awake in the dark.
The next day, Joel is sitting on the couch when the kids get home from school. Y/N joins him on the other side of the sofa as usual. They watch reruns of some unfunny family sitcom.
“Heard you singing last night,” he finally grunts unceremoniously.
Y/N goes very still.
“Sorry,” she mumbles, avoiding his gaze. “I’ll be quieter next time.”
Joel looks over at her. He realizes she looks terrified.
“Ain’t no problem with it,” he tries to explain, confused. “Thought you sounded nice is all.”
“You tryna trick me?” she stammers, tears collecting in her shimmering eyes.
“What? Trick you? What you crying for, honey? You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Joel is genuinely flabbergasted.
Tears trickle down her cheeks. What has he done this time? he wonders. But he is concerned more than anything. Hell, he hasn’t seen her cry like this since the day they met. Not even last week when Aiden slammed her head into the metal oven in the kitchen (luckily it was off or Joel would have really killed him that time).
She sniffles, looking conflicted, then collects herself as best she can manage.
“M-my dad didn’t like when I would sing. ‘Specially if he was in a depo…I forget the word…deponition? Deposition? When he was on the phone for work, I mean. If I was being too loud. Or too shrill. He didn’t like that one bit. He’d get mad…” she trails off.
“The way Aiden gets mad?” Joel asks very slowly, not truly wanting to know the answer.
“Yeah,” she nods after a while. “Except he’s a lot bigger. And stronger. He…he broke my arm once. But it was on accident I think. He got me ice cream after.”
Anger, red and hot, pulses through Joel’s veins. What hadn’t this child endured at the hands of angry men?
“What did your mother do?” he bites out, almost unnaturally calm from trying to control himself.
“Well, most of the time he’d kinda like hit her around, I guess? But the time he broke my arm was the time she made him leave for good and they got a divorce and all. Aiden says it’s my fault he won’t come around anymore. He was so mad. He loves Dad so much. I don’t understand it though because even though Dad likes him a lot more than me, Dad would still be so mean to him sometimes. Mom says I don’t even know all of it...Promise I won’t bother you with singing though, okay?”
“Sweetheart,” Joel says as softly as his blinding rage will permit. Somehow, when he’s with Y/N, he finds he can control himself better. “I’ll never get mad at you for singing. Or being too loud. Or anything. Never gonna put my hands on you. I’m sorry if what I do to Aiden scares you or made you think that I would ever do such a thing to you.”
“It doesn’t scare me,” she shakes her head. “When you get rough with Aiden, you do it because he did really bad, to protect me. It’s like with you there’s rules that make sense. Aiden chooses to be mean and violent so you choose it back to him. With my dad, it was different. It was like I could breathe wrong and I’d get in trouble. Get in trouble for things I couldn’t control or help. Sometimes I did bad, I know I did, but I also know there were other times where I wasn’t hurting anyone and he’d still hurt me so badly. My dad never got mad at Aiden for hurting me though. He thought it was funny, I think. Sometimes he’d kinda like sick him on me. Kinda how you could a dog.”
Joel doesn’t know how to respond, doesn’t know the right words. He figures he can only show her with his actions who he is and she will just have to learn to trust him. If her father ever enters the house though, he will wring his neck. That’s for certain. Thank God he doesn’t come around for his sake, Joel’s, and the family’s.
“I was just thinking,” Joel finally says. “If ya want, I could learn how to play that song you were singing on my guitar and maybe you could sing it for me sometime?”
“M-maybe we could sing it together?” Y/N asks tentatively, her eyes wide. “Singing in front of other people is kinda scary.”
“I haven’t sung in a while,” Joel sighs. “Might be rusty.”
“That’s okay,” she grins hopefully.
Joel wants to take a photo of that rare sight and keep it close for as long as he lives, torn in his pocket or snug in his wallet, he doesn’t care.
“Joel?” she asks a little cautiously, breaking him from his thoughts. “Can I ask you something?”
“‘Course, kiddo,” he says as gently as he knows how.
“Who’s Sarah?”
His heart stops. His blood runs cold.
“What? How did you–”
“You were talking. In your sleep yesterday,” she says, shrinking away a little and Joel feels sorry for scaring her again. “When we were watching Dexter . Well, you fell asleep right before. You were snoring and all, but you were also talking and mumbling that name. You sounded sad and scared.”
Joel should definitely not have allowed her to watch that! But that is hardly the point right now.
His heart squeezes so tight it burns. What was there to say about Sarah – the entire reason his life had had any purpose? His perfect babygirl? The light of his life?
He could lie. So easily too and Y/N would never know. He could say nothing at all. Hasn’t even told Erica about her yet. Hardly ever speaks to anyone about her these days.
And yet…
“She was my daughter,” he hears himself say softly. “She…got sick. Died of leukemia a while back. She was twelve.”
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the wallet he was just thinking about. Inside is a tiny school photo of Sarah – the last one she ever took. It’s faded a little, but she’s still smiling so big she could block out the sun. He shows it to Y/N.
“I’m sorry, Joel,” she says and she really does look sorry.
Not the way his co-workers and customers say it – almost as a reflex – to fill the void in the conversation. Her eyes are shimmering.
“Nothin’ to do about it now,” he shrugs, running his thumb over the photo paper, softened with age. “But she was so damn special. My whole world.”
He has learned to repress the tears, not to show weakness, that is not hard. Not anymore. But the anger that broils up inside him – the injustice of it all – how he was unable to help her. Unable to save her. He feels almost like a child again, powerless in an unforgiving, unrelenting world. He wants to fight back!
He is so angry he begins to shake and his hands clench into fists.
He wants to flip over the fucking coffee table – fling it across the room! He wants to punch in the glass of the flickering TV screen until his fist is broken! He wants to–He wants–
He just wants his babygirl back…
A sob, small and foreign rises in his throat, but he pushes it down.
He thinks Y/N knows though. Can see the vulnerability in his eyes.
She reaches out a small hand and touches his fist, pushes it down gently into the soft fabric of the couch so he’ll stop shaking. It doesn’t entirely work, but he thinks he appreciates the effort.
“I don’t know if this is the right thing to say,” she begins a bit skittishly, still not entirely trusting the hulking, raging man above her. “But I think I would have liked to have been her friend.”
And for the first time since Sarah died, Joel sobs .
Y/N pops up from the couch and Joel’s heart cries out louder in his chest for her to come back, don’t leave me too as he tries to suck the tears back in. It doesn’t work though and liquid gushes down his cheeks. He doesn’t think he can take the rejection, the loss of her. But thankfully, she returns just as quickly as she went with a handful of tissues stuffed into her small fist.
“Here, Joel,” she offers. “Here. Don’t cry.”
Joel does cry though. He’s ashamed he’s broken down in front of this literal child, and he doesn’t let out much noise, but he doesn’t take the tissues either. He can’t.
She’s so sweet though, or maybe it’s because she is truly afraid of him now, of his wrath, he’ll never really know, but she frowns and reaches out a little hand, the one with the scar on the middle finger, and tries to wipe up the tears.
The paper of the tissue tickles his cheeks.
“Shouldn’t havta…” he tries.
“Didn’t mean to make you…” she answers.
A pause.
“You didn’t, honey. That was all me,” he assures her finally.
She lets out a sigh of relief and soaks up the last of the salt water from his face, brushes the tissue gently against his nose. It tickles, causes him to snort. He smirks a little.
She smiles back shyly, she can’t help it, he can tell.
“You know,” he says thoughtfully after a few moments of silence, sighing deeply. “I reckon she would’ve wanted to be your friend too…”
***
A few months roll by. Things are virtually the same except Y/N seems more comfortable around him now. Maybe it’s because she saw his weakness up close and personal, his Achilles heel —— knows how to coax it out of him now if she has to. Or maybe it’s because she truly trusts him. Whatever the case, she sits closer to him on the couch now, still giving him a respectful foot of distance though of course.
Once in a blue moon, she sings for him and he tries to keep up with the lilting sound of her high voice. She says she likes his low, deep voice just fine, it’s just she still gets nervous singing in front of other people so it’s still a rare occasion. His favorite is when she sings solo and he gets to strum along for her and really listen. Sometimes her voice cracks in a very specific way that some might find to be a flaw, but Joel would never.
Aiden makes fun of them and calls them the ‘Von Trapp Family Singers.’ Are they a family? Joel wonders.
One day after work, Joel goes to the library to find some sheet music for a song Y/N likes. She treasures the photo-copied paper like a gift as Joel deciphers the notes he can actually read for her. She color-codes each one carefully in magic marker so she can remember the differences between them.
The next day, Aiden burns it up with a lighter he has acquired from God knows where. Joel confiscates it – the last thing he needs is this particular child setting fires – and It doesn’t end well for Aiden. He limps for damn near a week. But some days, when Aiden is calm, he joins Y/N and Joel in front of the TV if a sports game is on. He doesn’t sit on the couch though, just the floor. He doesn’t say much to them but does get invested in the good and bad plays of each game, gets sore if his team is losing. On one particularly good day, when the Rangers hit a grand slam, and Joel was actually paying attention, he and Aiden actually high-five.
Things are going…well? Is that the right word? It is a foreign concept for Joel. For Christmas, he gets Y/N guitar, Aiden a book on boxing so maybe he will redirect his anger into somewhere productive, and Erica a spa-day kit for 20% off that he saw at CVS (he never claimed to know what women want). Aiden is neutral, surprised, he thinks, that Joel even got him a present. Erica is actually appreciative and returns the favor with some new socks and underwear.
“A practical gift for a practical man,” she says, kissing him on the forehead.
Joel supposes he appreciates the gesture.
Y/N, though, is thrilled.
“Thank you, Joel! Got you something too,” she says excitedly, bouncing up and down in her red and white pajamas.
“That’s not necessary,” Joel chides, leaning over to pick up the wrapping paper that was strewn across the living room floor.
But secretly he is curious. He didn’t think she even had any money of her own…
Aiden opens the cover of the boxing book with disinterest, eyeing the new guitar distastefully.
Y/N jumps up, leaves the room, and returns with a small plastic baggie in her hands. Inside are little, different bits of colored plastic clumsily and haphazardly cut into tiny, sharp-looking, badge-shaped pieces. One he recognizes is from the top of a yogurt container he put into the recycling the other day, another one from the top of a Gatorade bottle.
“Here ya go!”
She shoves the plastic bag into his large hands enthusiastically.
“Thank you,” Joel responds, still unsure what he was given.
It reminds him of when Sarah was young and would come home with some sort of abstract macaroni painting from kindergarten and he would nod and smile knowingly when she explained that of course it was Two dinosaurs getting married, Dad. Duh!
“You could try one on my new guitar,” she offers, a little disappointed when he doesn’t have more of a reaction. “You said you lost most of yours…”
Joel immediately feels guilty and then it clicks. She tried to make him guitar picks! His heart clenches with emotion he can not quite identify.
He pulls a little orange one out of the bag and accidentally nicks the edge of his finger. Because of the way it was cut, no doubt with uncoordinated child’s hands and a pair of scissors, the edges are much too sharp to serve as an actual guitar pick without damaging guitar strings or apparently Joel’s finger. Dumb kid. But he’s beyond honored anyone would take the time to do such a thoughtful thing for him.
He hisses softly and sucks the blood off his finger.
“Oops,” she says, horrified. “Shoot. Sorry, I–”
“‘S no trouble,” he interjects dismissively. “Love ‘em. Was my fault anyway. I’mma be honest with you though, sweetheart; don’t think the guitar strings can handle these babies.”
“Oh,” she says softly, trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice. “Oh, yeah, okay...”
She deflates, looking down at the carpet.
Joel selfishly lets her be sad for a beat before swooping back in to be the one to save the day.
“But here’s what I’ll do…”
She looks back up at him with an intoxicating kind of hope in her eyes.
He takes his wallet out of his back pocket and slips the orange pick into the photo slot next to the picture of Sarah. He returns the wallet back into his pants.
Y/N positively beams. Brighter than the sun, even, Joel thinks.
Aiden yawns purposefully loudly and rolls his eyes. Erica looks touched and maybe even a little proud of her choice in men. But Joel didn’t do it for them. The only reaction in the world he cares about is hers.
Y/N is still grinning, bouncing on the balls of her feet again. But then she does something new: she leans in and hugs him, wrapping her little arms around his waist, burying her face in his flannel shirt, pressing against his tummy.
The world stops for Joel.
At first, he just hangs there limply, awkwardly. Literally forgets what one is supposed to do in such a situation, but then instinct kicks in and he wraps his arms around her too and squeezes ever so slightly. It’s a more cautious hug than Sarah would have given him – she would have squeezed him half to death – but Y/N is still holding him. Someone small and warm is holding onto him for the first time in what feels like an eternity. And just like that his past is rhyming with his present and it is the most beautiful sound Joel Miller has ever heard.
Joel Miller is not a good man, no, but maybe, just maybe, he thinks he could be one for Y/N.
***
Joel tries to be good. He does. His first order of business is stop beating on Aiden – especially in front of Y/N. No amount of violence towards the kid seems to do any good anyway – he still hurts her. And Joel is sick of bandaging her up and wiping the blood from her cheeks; something has to change. Not that he wouldn’t do it a thousand times if he had to. He’d do anything for the girl, that he is sure of. And the truth is, Aiden is close to getting big enough to really fight back. And Joel knows if Aiden really lays a hand on him, he’s not sure he will be able to control himself enough to not inflict permanent damage. And he doesn’t want that. Truly.
So at first, Joel thinks about having Erica send him away to a wilderness camp for troubled children or some such program he sees mentioned on reruns of Dr. Phil. She has the money to do it too. But she won’t send him away. She refuses, loves him too much. Protecting Y/N seems as far down on her list of priorities as ever. She is useless at disciplining him, always has been, so it is up to Joel to find another solution. So the next thing he tries is to set the boy up in boxing classes. This is risky since it might just teach him new ways to hurt Y/N, but at least it will be a place to direct his anger.
It works for a while, to his and Y/N’s immense relief, but that leaves Joel nowhere to take out his anger. He tries to ignore it at first and shove it down, but it starts to come out in little ways. At work, he barks at a customer who locks his keys in the car he’s trying to fix. At home, he shouts at Erica for missing Y/N’s school play. The rage leaks out of him, pours off his entire being. He tries jerking off more to increasingly violent porno magazines to calm himself down since Erica is sure not satisfying him. It doesn’t do enough though, not really. Finally, he tries boxing at the local gym himself, but it is not enough either. Boxing has rules. The first sorry sucker he gets in the ring with, he beats to the point of unconsciousness. Two men have to pull him off to get him to stop. They kick him out immediately.
So Joel tries going to the bar after work with the guys from the shop and drinking a little to take the edge off. That actually helps somewhat. He’s careful about it, never comes home drunk, never drinks in front of Erica or the kids. But what helps the most are the bar fights. He’s careful about that too. Only fights the assholes, which there are many of. Switches up the bars he goes to. But some motherfucker slaps a girl's ass without permission? Joel’s on him in seconds, watching like a predator from the shadows. Some dude throws a drink in the bartender’s face? Joel clobbers him half to death. And sometimes? People in the bar applaud him, even cheer him on. It’s probably because they’re intoxicated, but that’s how he justifies it to himself like he’s some kind of goddamn vigilante. Deep down he knows he is something much, much uglier. But at least he’s not doing it to Aiden, a child. And more importantly, at least it is away from Y/N.
***
One day, Y/N falls sick. It starts out as what seems like a cold with a nasty cough. Kids are little germ factories, Joel knows that. He tells himself it is nothing to worry about – that all kids get sick sometimes. The first few days she lies on the couch like a zombie, coughing incessantly into her elbow and sleeping a lot. She snores ever so slightly which he finds charming. Joel stays home from work with her because Erica has to be in court and they watch lots of nature documentaries and daytime talk shows.
Then the coughing gets worse and Joel’s brain stops functioning properly and he has trouble explaining why. He feels more on edge, more agitated. Erica takes Y/N to the doctor and comes back with a diagnosis: walking pneumonia. Nothing too serious, lots of kids get it. She is prescribed antibiotics and is supposed to drink lots of fluids and wait it out. But when Erica tells Joel the news of what the doctor told her he is holding a glass of water and it shatters in his large hand, cutting the skin of his middle finger.
“Fuck!” he yells.
And he cannot articulate precisely why, but he feels good that there is a justified reason to yell.
Erica wipes his hand and cleans the glass up.
“Gotta go to court again today, honey,” she says like everything is fine and normal. “Can you look after her today? Call in sick? She’s in bed. Going through it.”
Joel nods and she is gone like this whole thing is nothing. Like her precious, living breathing child is not suffering in the room above his head.
He climbs the stairs and enters Y/N’s room. He doesn’t often spend much time there. The walls are painted pink and differently shaped dolls and stuffed animals line the white vanity across from her canopied bed. He does not think he has ever seen Y/N play with any of those specific toys, come to think of it, or express any interest in the color pink (no doubt Erica’s secret passion for interior design rearing its ugly head). He vows silently, one day, to paint the walls any color she wants.
But there she is, sprawled out in her bed coughing a nasty cough. Something shifts inside Joel at the sound. She looks unwell and weak and so small.
“Hey, honey,” he says softly, almost robotically.
Something is not right. He sits on the edge of her bed, feels her burning forehead. He takes her temperature gently with the thermometer that goes in her ear. He feels that weird sensation like he’s been here before even though he has hardly ever entered her bedroom. One hundred and four degrees Fahrenheit it reads when it beeps. Joel swallows a lump in his throat that he didn’t realize was there.
She coughs pathetically. She looks out of it, her eyes far away. Joel’s heart throbs painfully.
Y/N is mumbling something incoherent now. Joel leans a little closer so he can decipher the words.
He makes out something like: No, Dad. Don’t. Stop, please. Please, not tonight.
Joel stops breathing.
She must be delirious from the fever.
And then she’s crying. Quietly, but crying all the less. And this time, unlike every time he has seen her tears before, she sobs. Actually makes noise, her chest wracked with it.
Then she coughs so hard she starts to wheeze and it hits Joel so ferociously he practically loses his grip on reality.
When Sarah was sick she had leukemia, a blood cancer. And cancer requires treatment. Expensive treatment. But of course, Joel hadn’t cared. He would have sold every item he owned to save his child, would have traveled to the ends of the earth if he had to, done literally any and everything in his power to protect her. So he paid for most of her chemotherapy with high hopes. Desperate hopes, but high ones. It had been her best shot at getting better according to the doctors. And the thing about chemo is, the side effects can literally be deadly. Joel is not a man of science, but the doctor explained that those drugs kill the bad cells that make up the cancer, but also the good ones. It fucks with your immune system, weakens you. Makes you lose your hair, vomit, and or be so weak you can barely walk. All that happened to Sarah. Joel felt like a traitor taking her to those treatments. Logically, he knew they were necessary, but he always felt like he was the one doing those awful things to her. It eviscerated him, left him raw and empty, and helpless like a child.
But in the end, it was the pneumonia that killed her. Her body couldn’t fight it off. She’d died in a hospital bed, Joel at her side, holding her hand, unable to do a single damned thing except scream .
Y/N coughs again, simultaneously pulling him from his thoughts and throwing him back into them. His heart is pounding in his chest to Do something! But there is nothing to be done, nothing he can do! Why can’t he ever seem to protect her?
She looks up just then, notices him for the first time since he entered the room, still crying feebly.
“He hurt me,” she whispers up at him, her eyes glazed over and glistening with tears. She reaches out for a handful of his dark blue work shirt and pulls it tightly to her. “He hurt me. And I couldn’t–I c-couldn’t…”
And then he is holding her, not quite sure how, but he is holding her trembling body to his chest and he will not let her go. Not for the world, not for anyone. He will not lose this child. He wraps his arms around her, holds tight. He will keep her safe, no matter the cost.
“It’s okay, babygirl,” he whispers. “I got you.”
***
Joel and Erica get married that spring. They agree on a private ceremony in front of a judge with only Y/N and Aiden in attendance. When Aiden hears the news, he throws a fit, He breaks dishes and punches a hole in the TV set which sets Joel’s teeth on edge. But Y/N is overjoyed. In the end, he and Joel adorn what Joel considers monkey suits and Erica wears a beautiful white dress that accentuates her figure. Y/N wears a frilly pink dress and carries a basket of pink roses. Joel never thought he’d be a married man and yet here he is. He imagines Sarah in attendance too and his heart aches. This is his life now.
He refuses to wear a ring.
***
Time passes. Long stretches of time where things feel–dare he think it–normal.
Aiden doesn’t beat Y/N, but begins to get into fights at school. Joel saves his violence for the bar scene which he begins frequenting more often.
Erica starts working later, gets promoted in her job. Fucks Joel less and less, not that he cares very much.
Joel goes to back-to-school nights and family cookouts. He teaches Y/N to play the guitar and how to fix car motors. In both these activities, she is no natural, but she tries her best and listens well. She smiles more than he’s ever seen. He drives her to sleepovers and Aiden to boxing practice. He paints her bedroom walls orange.
Things feel stable.
Two Christmases pass.
And then things take a downturn.
***
One evening, Joel returns home from work later than usual. When he arrives home in his truck, he notices an expensive sports car in the driveway. Erica has affluent friends, sure, but he’s never seen this particular car before. Something about that doesn’t sit right with him.
He opens the front door with a creak and Erica intercepts him before he can make it to the dining room table for dinner. She presses a hand to his forearm bulking with muscle.
“Don’t freak out,” she whispers urgently.
Joel stops and hears the sounds of people eating dinner and a man’s raspy voice speaking.
“Freak out about what?”
He makes his way past her to the dining room. He sees a man he does not immediately recognize sitting at the head of the table, Y/N is flanking one side of the table next to him and Aiden the other. He is conventionally handsome and wearing an expensive pinstripe suit. When he looks up, he smirks at Joel. Joel thinks he looks kind of like Aiden if you were to squint. And then he understands who he is.
“The fuck are you doing in my house?” he growls, lunging forward.
“ Your house?” the man smirks again, unflinching.
He looks Joel over, examining his mechanic’s uniform, the grease stain on Joel’s cheek.
Erica grabs Joel. She pulls him back out into the hallway.
“Tell him he’s not welcome here,” Joel snarls, trying to get a look at the man over Erica’s shoulder.
She pushes him backward gently. Instantly, he is worried for Y/N, for all intents and purposes alone in there with the man who abused her and this entire goddamn family for that matter. He catches a glance at her and she looks terrified . Aiden, conversely, Joel sees, looks like he just won the lottery, staring up at his dad in adoration. Joel doesn’t think he has ever seen him look so happy.
“This is important to them,” Erica snaps quietly. “That’s their father. He has a right–”
“Get him out of here or I’ll kill him,” Joel says deadly quietly. “He what? Doesn’t show up for over three years and you think that–”
“I know that he has a right to speak to them. I am their mother and they need a sense of closure. Aiden needs this. So you will sit down at that table and have an amicable dinner or so help me God, Joel.”
Erica never speaks to him like this. He is shocked.
“Fine,” he snarls after a while, his chest heaving.
He can hardly think straight while Y/N is in there alone with that excuse for a man. Better he be close to protect her instead of thrown out of the house.
He walks back in with Erica, who sits next to Y/N, leaving Joel nowhere to go but next to Aiden.
“I’m Derek,” the children’s father says, leaning over the food Erica has prepared to shake Joel’s hand.
Joel doesn’t take it.
“And you must be Joe? The new husband.”
“Joel,” he replies shortly.
He looks over at Y/N who is trying to be brave, he can tell, but deep in her eyes, looks petrified.
They eat dinner in tense silence until Derek breaks it and begins bragging about his golf club record, the latest client he’s been representing, his new girlfriend, Sylvia.
“See, she’s helping me become a better man,” Derek insists with a forkful of steak. “I know I haven’t always been…the greatest of fathers or partners, but she really convinced me coming here would be a good thing. That it would be healing. You guys will meet someday, I’m sure.”
Joel leans forward toward Derek, reeling at the idea that this man could possibly be back in the picture of his family’s life, but Erica reaches under the table and squeezes his knee in a death grip and Joel holds himself back.
Aiden hangs on his father’s every word. Erica looks somewhat intrigued after she lets go of her husband’s leg. Y/N screams silently at Joel, who tries his best to communicate without words that he will keep her safe.
“And I know I’ve missed quite a bit,” Derek continues. “Which is why I brought these. Sylvia’s idea, really.”
He reaches down toward his feet and pulls out a fancy golden gift bag and takes out two presents. He hands one to Aiden and the other one to Y/N. Aiden rips his open excitedly. Inside is a hunting knife with a red handle.
Great, Joel thinks.
Y/N doesn’t move though, stopped like a deer in the headlights.
“Open it, girl,” Derek sneers.
She looks over at Joel.
“Go on, baby,” he says softly, heat pumping through his blood.
She unwraps the pink wrapping paper and finds a Barbie doll in a clear plastic box. Joel has never seen her play with dolls at all come to think of it.
“Isn’t that thoughtful?” Erica smiles cautiously.
“Thanks, Dad,” Aiden says enthusiastically. “Can’t wait to show the guys at ROTC.”
“Good for you, son,” Derek grins. “Serving our country is the highest of honors.”
Joel suddenly tries not to think about Tommy blasted to bits halfway across the world in Afghanistan, his body in such bad condition all that he got left of his baby brother was a finger and two bent dog tags.
Aiden beams.
“Well,” Derek barks, eyeing Y/N distastefully. “Aren’t you going to say anything?” he taunts.
Joel sees where Aiden gets it from. This arrogant, bullying behavior. He shifts in his seat, ready to strike if necessary.
“Thanks,” she says very quietly.
Derek grins in a kind of satisfaction that makes Joel want to go over there and punch his daylights out. He almost does too until Erica kicks his shin beneath the table and he controls himself.
Y/N frowns. She looks over at Joel, then back at her father. Something ripples across her face, but it goes so quickly Joel cannot assign any meaning to it. But she looks ever so less scared somehow, more angry almost, but not quite.
And then after about ten minutes of somewhat peaceful eating and Derek making Aiden and Erica laugh with stupid anecdotes from his court cases while Joel and Y/N exchange looks, it happens.
Y/N’s hand reaches forward and knocks against her glass of coke. It goes flying over in Derek’s direction and drenches him in the sticky liquid, staining his suit.
“Sorry, Dad!” she squeaks immediately. “Oh my god, I–”
“You little slut!” he roars in response, almost like a reflex, backhanding Y/N across the face with lightning speed and accuracy. “Do you know how much this fucking suit cost!?”
The force of the blow is so strong it knocks Y/N from her chair onto the ground.
Before a coherent thought can even go through Joel’s head he is on the other man, slamming him up against the wall behind him by the throat.
“Joel, don’t you dare!” Erica yells, but it is too late.
Joel sees red and can’t exactly recall what he does next, but it goes something like this:
He squeezes around Derek’s throat and bangs his head backward against the wall a few times. The other man tries to get a punch in, but Joel ducks and kicks him in the balls. Derek crumples to the ground and Joel gives his chest another hard kick. He whines pathetically.
Aiden gets up then, but Erica uses all of her strength to pull him back before he can get involved in the mix. He resists, shouts something that Joel cannot make out, but Erica manages to keep him from the two men with a great amount of effort and struggle.
Derek is on the floor now and Joel is straddling him, landing punch after ruthless punch down onto his head. His nose begins to bleed, but Joel keeps punching.
“HOW DARE YOU?” he roars down at the trembling, gushing man on the floor.
There is so much blood splurting all over his face, dripping down onto his expensive stained suit, and the floor that Derek almost stops looking like Derek. Joel sees Aiden’s face in his features. And then there is so much blood that it could be anyone’s face screaming back at him for mercy. It could be those creepy, asshole men at the bar. It could be the much bigger kid who always used to beat up Tommy every day in the schoolyard. It could be that damned head doctor who let his babygirl die. It could even be his no-good, bastard, alcoholic papá .
He turns his head ever so slightly while still delivering punches. Erica has Aiden in a bear hug. She is screaming for Joel to stop. Aiden is bellowing something that sounds like, You bastard, I’ll kill you! Get off of him! I’ll kill you! And then Joel sees Y/N still on the floor from where she was knocked. Her face is still turned in the same direction it was slapped into, but she is not crying or screaming. Her eyes are dancing.
They connect with Joel’s.
He knows he is supposed to be a good man for her, but she doesn’t seem to mind his deviant behavior. He stops then, though, because otherwise he thinks he will kill the man and he doesn’t want Y/N to experience that. He steals a glance at her again and she looks ever so slightly disappointed, but her wide-eyed expression tells Joel that Christmas has come early this year. She sends him a look of gratitude and Joel thinks that maybe he did act like a good man for her after all in the case of this vile, pathetic person who is supposed to be her father.
Finally, Joel stands up. He walks over and reaches out a bloody hand to Y/N and pulls her gently from the ground. Even after she’s standing upright she doesn’t let go of him.
Derek gets up after a while, wiping his sleeve over his face to try to tame the excess blood. Joel thinks that maybe he broke the man’s nose. He feels not a shred of remorse. The other man spits on the ground at Joel’s feet and leaves without saying goodbye to his ex-wife or children, slamming the front door behind him.
Erica is not pleased with Joel’s behavior. Aiden is shouting and screaming. He breaks a plate by throwing it onto the floor with a loud crash. Joel leans over and grabs the knife his father gave him and sticks it in his front pocket so Aiden doesn’t feel tempted to use it. Y/N’s small hand is still in his.
When Aiden is coherent enough to listen to instructions and all screamed out, Erica sends the children upstairs to bed.
Joel tries to walk Y/N up to bed to tuck her in, but Erica stops him.
“ Not you,” she growls at Joel.
She is livid in a way Joel has never seen before. For a moment, he seriously wonders if this is the end of their relationship.
The kids scamper upstairs and Erica yells at Joel for ages.
At a certain point, he stops listening. He doesn’t try to argue back. Doesn’t care to. He is actually calm now, though his chest is still heaving from the exertion, more calm than he’s been in ages. He knows that she will never understand why he had to do what he did to Derek. She lives in another reality where his violence is not acceptable if she has to bear witness to it. She doesn’t care about Y/N the way she is supposed to. Never has. Doesn’t know or see her. Not the way Joel does. Has too big a soft spot for Aiden. Tolerated Joel’s violence toward him though like a coward. Maybe deep down she knew he needed some kind of discipline? But when Joel lays a hand on her scumbag of an ex-husband that’s what’s too far? When he hurt her own daughter? When Joel himself was responsible for hurting her own precious son? Where was her outrage then?
But he voices none of this. Pushes it down. He cannot lose her. Not this house, not the kids, not the financial security. Never Y/N.
Erica banishes him to the couch for the first time in their relationship. Joel doesn’t mind.
Hours later, late into the night, he hears soft footsteps walking down the stairs. He rolls over on the sofa to see who is approaching. He wonders if it is Erica there to apologize because he knows her well enough to know by now that she will forgive him eventually. She will forgive anything it seems. But it is not Erica at all.
“Joel?” a little voice asks quietly. “You up?”
“Yeah, baby,” he replies. “You okay? I’m so sorry he pulled that shit on you.”
Y/N shrugs.
“Sorry I…I didn’t stop it before it happened,” he admits like a secret.
She shrugs again.
“‘M sorry she made you sleep on the couch and all,” she replies.
“‘S no trouble. I don’t mind.”
“But it’s my fault you got in trouble in the first place.”
“Y/N, you ain’t done nothing wrong,” Joel tells her seriously.
It’s hard to see her in the dark, but he thinks she’s grimacing guiltily.
“I just wanted to say…” she begins hesitantly. “Thanks for like sticking up for me and all that. You…you’re the only one who does.”
Joel hides a smile from his babygirl. Something inside him likes being that person for her, he cannot lie to himself. Likes being the one she can count on.
“You were like some MMA fighter,” she continues. “But then all the blood was like in The Shining .”
One day, not long ago, Joel had fallen asleep on the couch when The Shining came on and Y/N had watched the entire thing out of her own free will. That movie had frightened the shit out of him as a kid!
“I’m sorry if I scared you, sweetheart.”
“You didn’t,” Y/N replies matter-of-factly. “I wasn’t scared of what you did for a second…I know that’s messed up, but I kinda wanted you to…”
She trails off.
Joel understands.
“I kinda, please don’t get mad, but I sorta knocked the cup over on purpose,” she admits.
Joel’s eyebrows go way up on his forehead in surprise.
“It’s just,” she babbles quickly in self-defense. “Mom and Aiden were like giggling and hanging onto every dumb thing he said and it scared me. I thought they might let him keep coming around and start liking him again. And I also knew he hadn’t changed too. I could tell on account of how he was looking at me in that same mean way he always did. And I also knew you’d save me like you always do and you had this angry look in your eyes. I knew what you would do. I could feel it in my gut…”
“You little shit!” Joel smirks.
He has to give her credit where credit was due – that was incredibly shrewd. Dangerous, but oh so clever. She played everyone in that room like a fiddle. Joel is honestly kind of proud.
“You mad?” she asks tentatively, biting her bottom lip.
“Nah,” Joel grins. “At you? Never. You shouldn’t have had to let him hurt you to get him away from you, but you protected yourself and that’s the most important thing. If I had to do it over, I would.”
Y/N smiles.
She’s a fucked up little girl, but Joel is a fucked up man, and they both live in a fucked up world.
“Got your back,” he grunts. “Remember that. Now scurry along back to bed and get some rest.”
“G’night, Joel.”
***
Time passes.
Erica forgives Joel of course and Derek never comes around again.
Y/N and Aiden grow bigger.
They go on camping trips and Joel teaches Y/N and Aiden how to fish. Never thought he would see the day where Aiden was willingly listening to his instructions, but the day comes anyway. Of course, the boy’s favorite part is cutting up the bloody fish guts like Joel’s used to be as a child. Y/N likes the part where you wait for the fish to bite. She sits next to Joel on the grassy river bank, the sun shining down on the lazy lake they are camping by, and smiles softly to herself.
Another two Christmases pass.
All the while, Joel is visiting the bar more and not necessarily to drink. His violent streak is getting worse somehow. He thinks, though he’s no goddamn shrink, that it might have something to do with the fact that he and Erica are not having any sex. Their relationship is still amicable and she is still sweet to him, and he tries his best to be to her too, but in the bedroom is mostly crickets. Joel jerks off, of course he does, but his fist is no substitute for a warm body.
Joel causes such a scene at the bar he frequents the most, that the cops have to be called. He ditches the place before he can get arrested, but he’s getting worried about his behavior. Something must change.
So then come the women. They practically throw themselves at him. Never has he thought he was that attractive until women literally offer themselves up to him on a silver platter after saving them from some drunken creep. Joel had always declined until now. But Joel is only a man. He fucks them rough and dirty (with their permission of course – Joel is not a good man, and a lot of things, but he isn’t a fucking rapist) in the bathroom stalls, in the alleyways. In the moment it feels good and helps him let off some steam, but after he feels guilty. And it doesn’t satisfy him much more than with Erica if he really thinks about it. One thing that Erica has over these women who let him act out his violent self is the look of devotion in her eyes. That’s always the thing that gets Joel to cum in the end when he does get to fuck her.
He would leave her, she isn’t that special to him if he’s honest, but she offers him a twofold sense of stability he has never known in his life. The first fold is the financial stability that has evaded him all of his days. The second is the feeling of family . Something so mundane and normal. And despite her flaws, she treats him so well – better than Sarah’s mother ever did. And most importantly, he doesn’t think he could leave Y/N. Not now. Not when she looks at him like he is the universe. Not even Aiden whom Joel has (begrudgingly) begun to see the traces of himself in.
***
This particular muggy, summer day begins normally. Joel goes to work, fixes a Chevy Impala’s fluid tank. And then he walks in with an old, beat-up Honda Accord.
His name is David, and Joel has heard of him through murmurings and bar stories and whispers at community barbeques. He’s a notorious neighborhood legend, whose house kids cross the street to avoid. He is the boogeyman at the end of the cul-de-sac.
The story is, though through the many versions Joel has heard some of the details get muddled, that he kidnapped and raped a twelve-year-old girl (that part all versions agree on). Some say he was supposed to have ten years in prison, others say twenty, but whatever the number he got out in one for “good behavior.” In jail, he supposedly devoted his life to God and became a preacher.
Joel doesn’t want to help him, but his boss hisses at him that money is money and he’s going to serve the man whether Joel likes it or not.
There’s something wrong with the exhaust pipe, so Joel bends down and takes a look at it. He opens the trunk and sees a box of Bibles next to a plastic bag of zip ties. His blood runs cold.
“The fuck is this shit doing in your car?” he growls, referring to the zip ties.
“The Bible is the word of God, Mr. Miller,” David replies, eyeing Joel’s nametag. “Would you like one? I’m always trying to spread The Good Word.”
“You know that’s not what I’m talking about,” he spits, looking over to make sure his boss is not watching.
“If you must know, though it’s none of your business, those zip ties are for my garden to help hold up my plants. They are remarkably useful,” David smiles sickeningly politely.
And that’s when Joel loses it just a little.
He picks up the ties and pockets them.
“Listen here, you pedophile piece of shit,” he snarls. “If I hear about you stepping one goddamned pinky-toe out of line–”
“Hey, Joel!” A little voice calls.
The breath is knocked from Joel’s lungs.
Y/N bounds up to them holding a brown paper bag out of nowhere.
“You forgot your lunch! Mom dropped me off so you could have it. It’s tuna though. I hate hate tuna. But you’ll eat anything so I hope it’s good for you at least,” she babbles.
“Baby,” Joel says very quietly, his heart thrumming in his ribcage. “Right now’s not a great time. Why don’t you go on home and I’ll catch up with you later?”
Then she notices David. By the fact that she doesn’t immediately leave, Joel determines she has no clue who he is.
“Hello, young lady,” David smiles, eyeing Joel knowingly. “I’m Pastor David.”
“Uh, hi,” she says.
Joel thinks he might actually kill him.
“Would you like something to take home with you?” he asks.
Y/N blinks in confusion as Joel steps in front of her.
“She’ll be going now, won’t you Y/N?” Joel suggests dangerously.
“Here,” David says before she can respond.
He hands her a black-covered bible.
Y/N takes it, looks at the cover, and laughs. Joel and David both look down at her in surprise.
“No offense, ‘Pastor David,”’ she smirks. “But I don’t believe in that shit. Here, you can have it back,” she offers.
He takes back the book somewhat defeatedly. And Joel grins internally.
“Bye, Joel,” she tells him, still smirking.
She side-hugs him quickly and returns to Erica’s car.
“How dare you even look at her–” Joel booms at the sad, pathetic excuse for a man once she is out of earshot.
His hands are clenched into fists and they are shaking. Every part of him is on fire.
“I think I’ll be going now,” David interjects lightly. “I can see my business isn’t welcome here. You have a beautiful daughter, Mr. Miller. Quite a mouth on her. Shame if something were to happen to her…Oh, the things someone like me could make her believe…”
Joel reaches back his fist to punch, to pummel, to kill, but suddenly, another hand grabs his and holds it in place. Joel’s boss has materialized behind him and is holding him back. Good thing too. It’s probably the only thing that saves Joel’s career and David’s life.
David winks and drives away as the boss begins to reprimand Joel who is still shaking and fuming.
All he knows is this: If anyone touches his babygirl he will not hesitate to put them six feet under, no matter the cost to himself. He will not hesitate to get blood on his calloused hands. He will not hesitate to kill. And this time? His baby will not sustain a single scratch . He will not wait for her to get hurt before he acts.
***
Joel wants nothing more than to go home and spend time with his babygirl and wife and even his step-son if he will allow, but there is blood popping and oozing and broiling and churning under his skin like billowing, bubbling lava. If he doesn’t do something about it soon he will explode worse than a volcanic eruption so he heads to the seediest bar he can think of. He makes his way inside and sits right up at the bar, already occupied by a few people. He orders a drink (his usual: whiskey on the rocks) and waits for the impending opportunity for violence he is sure is lying in wait.
He cannot believe the shit that came out of ‘Pastor-fucking-David’s’ sick, perverted mouth and that he almost lost his job over it. He lets that thought charge him up into a rage, his fists clenched so tightly they are beginning to ache in the joints. He cannot believe that disgusting little fucker had the audacity to say that horrible scummy bullshit in his presence when he would do anything to protect that innocent child. He takes a drink of his whiskey and knocks it back in one gulp. He would do anything , ‘Lord’ only knows. He snickers to himself sinisterly.
And while he’s on the topic, fuck God! When had He ever done a single damn good thing for Joel his entire miserable life except maybe to give him Sarah and then take her away like she was nothing and not the entire light of the universe wrapped into a small, vulnerable person? Joel doesn’t know much about the bible, truth be told, but he remembers a few things from his Sunday school days. He remembers that people are created in the image of God and the stories he remembers most are from the Old Testament which heavily featured a God of absolute rage. Maybe that is the way he is god-like, built of anger and revenge and wrath and the sick, pathetic hunger for power that lurks inside most people.
But he also remembers Jesus being meek and mild. Joel never understood that desire until he had Sarah and then Y/N in his care. If Joel could snap his fingers and make himself some fundamentally kind and caring man he would, but he can’t. Joel Miller is not a good man. He tried to be for Y/N, he truly did, but look at everything he’s done in the time he’s known her: he used Erica to get financial stability and roof over his head, he’s cheated on her numerous times, he beat Aiden, a child, and everyday the weight of that guilt grows greater as he begins to truly understand how wrong that was, and he beat his babygirl’s pathetic excuse for a father (but still her father) in front of her. He also beat people in bar fights and that time at the gym. And the thing is: is he even a little bit sorry about any of it – except for maybe what he did to Aiden? No, not even a little. And he’d do all of it again if it could mean getting to spend time with his babygirl, Y/N, again. His babygirl who FUCKING DAVID tried to threaten!
And the problem is: who knows what that fucker is capable of? The police and the judicial system let him out after one year which can only be described as a colossal moral failure and a massive miscarriage of justice. It wouldn’t take much for David to really figure out where they lived and grab Y/N and throw her in his trunk like he did that poor other little girl. Maybe that’s paranoid, but Joel knows better than most that when a man wants to do a dark thing he will find a way to do it. Joel does not want to live his life constantly looking over his shoulder as some horrendous pedophile lives freely.
And then he turns his head to look down at the rest of the fairly busy bar and he sees him . None other than David himself, drinking a beer. Joel cannot believe his luck. It is like all of the light in heaven has aligned to give him such a gift. A part of him is screaming to not engage because Joel is sure he could kill him for what he said about Y/N. But the rest of him is already standing up and grabbing David by the shoulder and–
“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll get the fuck out of here now ,” he snarls. “Almost lost my job because of you, you sick fuck. You’re lucky I give you a warning and don’t wring your neck on the fucking spot.”
David turns around, Joel’s fingers digging into his shoulder.
“Proverbs 24:1 and 2,” he quotes calmly. “‘Do not envy wicked men or desire their company; for their hearts devise violence, and their lips declare trouble.’”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“It means perhaps I will be leaving. I don’t care to spend my time with wicked men such as yourself. And I have many preparations to make for what is to come. How is your daughter doing since we last met?”
Joel’s heart runs cold.
“Get my baby’s name out of your goddamned mouth .”
“Hope we run into each other soon,” David grins as he gets off the barstool and dislodges himself from Joel’s grip. “There is a lot I could teach her.”
He turns to leave. Disgusting coward, Joel thinks. He could let the man go. But then what? Live in fear of him? Let his precious Y/N live in fear of him? Joel is tired of living in fear, of resigning to a cruel man in a cruel world, and he will never do that or let Y/N do that ever again.
And then David leans in so close that Joel can smell the alcohol on his breath and the sweat on his skin.
“Can’t stop thinking about her pretty little hands around my–”
Joel doesn’t let him finish. In that moment he knows what will transpire. He picked this seedy-ass bar for a reason: so that no one will bother to stop him.
He lands the first punch with ease, doesn’t even feel the pain till minutes later. The force of the blow to David’s head is so strong he slams down into the ground. It is so violent that David’s eyelid starts to bleed and the skin around the impact spot becomes puffy and dark.
David shouts for help, but no one in this place gives a fuck and even if they did everybody knows who he is and what he did so they don’t give a shit two times over.
Joel continues the assault. Punch after punch reigns down on the other man as blood begins to coat his features. David tries to get a punch or two into Joel’s stomach, but Joel straddles each of his biceps and holds him down so he can continue hitting. The longer Joel hits, the better he feels. This time is different. This time he does not see the features of every man he’s ever hated in the face of his victim. This time he sees only David’s disgusting smirk in his mind’s eye. This time he only thinks about how he is saving Y/N from a lifetime of fear and cruelty. This time Joel will not let his adversary get a strike in first. This time he will be the one to stop the fate of impending devastation that lies in the palms of David’s shaking and broken hands. This time he can save her .
When Joel is done with his hands, he is panting heavily. He moves on to his feet, kicking the man’s gut sadistically, his trembling hands, his face. Crunch , goes David’s skull. And then he is not moving or breathing.
Joel stops.
A lick of fear trails against the inside of his stomach, but the rage, always the rage warms his stomach like a rush of flames.
So he keeps going. He bends back down and squeezes the man’s throat just to make sure. It’s good he did too because David’s bloodshot, viens-having-burst eyes snap open and David makes a pathetic little squealing noise and Joel squeezes harder, rougher, with more conviction.
In the end, it takes longer than he thought it would.
Joel only stops when he hears sirens blaring in the distance. He looks up for the first time since the assault started and sees all of the patrons staring at him in revulsion and fear. The bartender actually has the phone in her hand. Joel guesses she was the one to finally call the cops. He guesses he was so sadistic and violent that even this shitty place had seen enough. He thinks to run, briefly, but where would he run to? Everything he has ever wanted in life is now going to be closed off to him. But he saved Y/N and that makes everything worth it. It has to have been worth it.
Joel puts two scarred, calloused fingers to David’s pulse point, as blood (his and David’s) drips down from his knuckle onto the wooden floor and feels nothing.
When the cops handcuff him and take him away, he doesn’t resist. He comes quietly. He cannot ever really be a good man for Y/N, he understands that now, but at least now she and he may know some peace of mind after what he’s done.
***
The time leading up to the trial is a blur.
Erica pays for an excellent lawyer, but divorces him on the spot. It seems there are some things even she will not forgive, and apparently murder is one of them. She allows the children to see him one last time in cold, sterile police interrogation room. A court-appointed child advocate social worker must be present. They allow him to have his handcuffs taken off for the first time since he was arrested. The kids are told he accidentally killed someone in a bar fight and for legal reasons he leans into the “accidental” part.
Aiden comes in first. He knew who David was and tells Joel he did the right thing. Joel is surprised. He reaches out a limp hand, dirt caked under his fingernails, and shakes Joel’s for the first time since they’ve known each other and they part ways on good terms.
“You’re not my dad,” Aiden tells him quietly. “But you always put up a good fight to be there.”
And he leaves.
Joel is more touched than he wants to believe.
Y/N’s visit is much more difficult.
“How could you!?” she screams, standing by the door the second she sees him as he sits at the interrogation table, his chair turned toward her.
At first Joel thinks she means how could he killl another human being. Y/N didn’t seem to know who David was after all. But that’s not what she is mad about.
“How could you leave me!?” she shouts, tears in her eyes. “You’re going to be taken away from me! Mom is leaving you because of this and that means you aren’t like my dad anymore. You’re going to forget all about me and never get to see me again because you killed some dumb man who tried to give me a bible?”
“He was not a good man,” is all Joel can say.
He can’t be the one to tell her more, hasn’t told anyone how David had threatened her. Not even his lawyer. He doesn’t want to scare her, doesn’t want to admit to anyone he let those words even get to leave that shit stain’s mouth.
“I don’t care!” she shouts again. “I want you!”
And then she bursts into tears and runs into his chest and Joel holds her against his orange jumpsuit and starts to feel tears trickling down his own cheeks.
“Never gonna forget about you,” he nearly scolds her into hair. “How could you ever think that, baby? You’re my babygirl. I’ll get out one day and come right back to you, understand?”
“But Mom–”
“You’ll be grown by the time I get out and won’t have to worry about what she says. But I’ll tell you this: you might feel different about me by the time your grown up and however you feel I want you to know I’ll respect that. But I ain’t gonna forget about you. Not ever.”
“Your time is up,” the court-appointed social worker states.
“No!” Y/N shouts, burying herself deeper into Joel’s embrace. “NO! I’m not leaving! I won’t leave you!”
Joel hugs her back tightly, crying into the top of her head as she sobs softly into his chest.
In the end, the social worker has to pull her away as she screams.
“I love you, Y/N!” he calls to her as the social worker drags her from him. “Never gonna forget you, babygirl. Remember that.”
All Joel can hear back is a broken wail.
***
Erica attends the trial; the kids are forbidden. Joel’s defense claims it was a drunken accident and goes for manslaughter. Because he killed a known child molester he has no trouble while he waits in jail. He is even considered a hero by some. No one tries to fuck with him and that’s how Joel would prefer it since if he gets into too many fights it will just add to his sentence and he must get out and get back to his babygirl if she’ll still have him. His lawyer tells him not to mention the threats that David made toward Y/N because it will look like more of a reason that Joel would have had to intentionally kill him as opposed to accidentally like the manslaughter plea would have the court believe. Joel listens. He does exactly what he’s told because this lawyer is good and he needs to get out someday for christ sake.
In the end, he gets ten years and his lawyer tells him he could get eight for good behavior.
Eight years, if Joel can manage it.
They take him away to prison in handcuffs. Erica sobs. It is the last time he sees her.
***
Joel always wondered if his temper would land him in prison. Now that he’s here things go surpringly well. He gets a reputation for being the murderer of a child molestor and people respect him, listen to him when he bothers to speak. He keeps things in order and people start to refer to him as the “pod boss.” He also reads a lot in his cell, tries to help people with their cases and appeals if he can. And if someone steps out of line, Joel is more than happy to put them in their place so long as he can avoid attention from the guards, who he actually mostly gets along with to their faces, but behind their backs beats people to a pulp. No one ever dares to snitch on him and he is considered on the right track to get out for good behavior early.
Time passes — painfully long stretches of time.
He has a lot of time to think, to read. He reads every book in the prison library over the time he is incarcerated. He reads parenting books, self-help books, books on trauma, books on abuse, books on anger management, books on meditation, books on spirituality (nothing sticks in that regard though, he is still furious like God, but less so these days). Somehow his anger has started to simmer down a notch.
But he worries his babygirl will forget about him, or worse grow to hate him. He’s not sure he’ll survive that.
Luckily, or he might have withered away and died, somehow Y/N convinces Erica to let her write him a letter once a month and have one call with him on Christmas.
Christmases quickly become his favorite day of the year.
Y/N writes him religiously. She talks about how angry she is at him, how she misses him, how she finally fixed the motor on Joel’s old pickup truck, how some boy gave her a love letter on Valentine’s Day, how she thinks of him every day.
Joel never tells her what David said about her, lets her believe he is just some violent, drunken idiot. He writes back how much he misses her, how he read a new book this week, how prison food is shit, how he’d probably greet that boy with a shotgun if he thinks he’s getting anywhere with his babygirl, how his whole heart beats for her.
She’s allowed to send him one photo a year, her most current school photo, and Joel hangs them on the wall of his cell so he can see her beaming at him at his highest and lowest moments along with the tiny picture of Sarah he managed to save from his wallet.
Aiden even sends him a card each Father’s Day. It never has anything written in it except for whatever stupid pun or text the card came with, but Joel reads between the lines with that one. Each one seems to whisper to him louder and louder, I love you and I forgive you. Joel writes him back, “Thanks, kiddo. -Joel” He hope that conveys the thousands of sorrys he wants to scream from the rooftops and say straight to the boy’s face. He will someday when he gets out. He makes himself promise. He hears from Y/N when Aiden joins the marines.
When Joel gets to actually hear Y/N’s voice on the old prison phone it’s like the most beautiful sound he has ever heard except for maybe Sarah’s voice. She babbles away about her life and what’s she’s up to and he hangs on every word like gospel. He barely gets a word in, but prefers it that way. Wishes he could hear her singing. Once, when she’s sixteen, and sounds so woefully grown up it hurts Joel’s entire heart, she hums a little absentmindedly and he can’t get the sweet sound out of his head. Her love for him never seems to waver and that is a blessing that Joel will never forget, the only thing he would thank this cruel God for. And of course, his love for her never wavers either. She is the only beacon of light for him in this dark and mundane existence. She is his everything.
***
When Y/N is eighteen and no longer under her mother’s control, she comes to visit him in person. This is the first time they have seen each other in six years. Despite their loving correspondence, Joel is nervous to see her for the first time since her childhood. He worries about how awkward it might be.
When he sees her walking into the dinky little family meeting room, his entire mode of existence changes.
She looks so beautiful, so grown-up. Sure she had always been a cute little kid, Joel always thought that, but now she is a woman. Tears come to Joel’s eyes. When her eyes connect with his, he feels so seen .
He tries to get a word out, but before he can she is running to him, into his arms and Joel has never felt something so perfect in his entire life. He knows he has never felt a love like this before. Not even with Sarah…something about this is different somehow? Joel is not too in touch with his feelings, but he’s trying to be more attentive to them these days with nothing left to do but read about such topics as “emotional regulation” and “mindfulness.” He’ll come back to this thought later though…
Y/N begins to babble into his ear, something about missing him and not wanting it to be awkward, but this is the furthest from awkward Joel has ever felt.
Joel has never been a man of many words so all he can think to say is,
“Missed you, babygirl.”
She grins at that, brighter than all the suns of all the planets in the universe (Joel has been reading about those too) and he laughs for the first time in what feels like a lifetime.
She laughs too, wipes tears from her eyes, and says,
“Missed you too, Joel. More than you know.”
Joel thinks that can’t possibly be true for that is all he has known for the last six years and possibly his entire life: missing her.
She comes once a month, drives an hour just to see him, and she tells him about college and later her very own shitty apartment. Her mother has thrown herself into her work and Aiden is serving his second tour. She makes good grades and has a stable boyfriend that treats her well, she swears. Joel couldn’t be happier for her, except the boyfriend business does make him want to crush that little fucker’s head in for some reason.
***
The last time Y/N comes to visit before his release (eight years to the day for good behavior) (she is 20 damn years old already!) something feels different to Joel. When he hugs her to greet her, he’s suddenly very aware of her body, the curves of it, her softness. Her hair smells so good, he doesn’t want to let go of her and then to his intense dismay and shock he feels himself getting a little excited down south. Immediately, he lets go of her, feeling like a pervert, praying she didn’t and doesn’t notice. He doesn’t see any obvious signs from her and the two sit down (Joel rather quickly) at the flimsy, nailed-down table and they talk of Joel’s impending release. All the while, Joel is trying to stay calm. He convinces himself it was just an accident and that he hadn’t been around any women in what felt like an eternity and that’s what led him to get worked up. But when Y/N leaves to go home he feels a kind of dull longing in the bottom of his gut. A different kind of longing then what he had felt for a younger Y/N. Joel tells himself not to repress for the first goddamn time in his life and let himself feel. And he does. He feels butterflies and yearning and need, a great big need inside himself. And then he knows what else he feels: the gut-wrenching, unquenchable sensation of love and beneath that, primal, base, and self-loathing: desire .
In his solo cell (that he has acquired because he is the pod boss and respected) he jerks off to those thoughts, touches himself to those feelings. When he cums unusually hard, he feels an overwhelming amount of shame. Of this, Joel knows, he will never ever tell another soul. Joel also knows he will not hurt his babygirl any more than he already has, intentionally or not, not ever. But then again, being a good, upstanding man has never really quite been in his arsenal, has it?
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OMG HI MY FAVORITE TUMBLR CREATOR I have an idea >>:D WHAT IFF Your favorite Genshin Men (Diluc) come home extremely late ((2:00 am late)) and you are MAD. So- after you express how you feel (NICELY OFCCC❤️❤️) they feel so bad that they spoil you ROTTEN. Anddd if you doo— then uhh I'll sing... SWAY BY MICHAEL BUBLÉ!!!
(Honestly— Micheal Bublé reminds me so much of Diluc idk why) ALSO TYY FOR TGD WRIOTHESLEY ALPHABET!!!
——🎵🎶🎼Anon ( ◜‿◝ )♡
aaaaaaaa i'm sorry this took so long to get out (つ﹏⊂) i hope you like it!! i put my whole pussy into this one just for you <33
(also i've never thought about it but now that you mention it...yeah diluc does give michael bublé vibes ._. and now i'll never un-notice it)
Warnings: SMUT, includes use of 'pussy' and 'cunt', light hurt/comfort, crying, insecurities, oral (f!receiving), p in v, missionary, mating press, breeding kink (if you squint), biting, squirting
(fem!reader, NSFW so no minors!!)
Wc: 2.6k
The Dawn Winery was always quiet at this time of night, though you weren't usually awake to notice it. With the maids asleep and all other business concluded for the day, the only sounds in the manor's entrance hall were the crackling of the fire and the rush of blood in your ears.
Diluc was out again, fulfilling his self-imposed duties as he did every night.
Not once had you ever complained, knowing that the Darknight Hero was something of a coping mechanism for Diluc, but tonight, something about the quiet of the manor caused all of that repressed loneliness to well up from deep within your bones, streaming out in sorrowful trickles from where it had been locked away for so long.
You sat at one end of the sofa, staring into the fire. It reminded you so much of him, not only for the obvious reason of his pyro vision, but because of the burning intensity of it. Once, he would have been beside you, red eyes crackling with that same passion that few others recognised in him, hands exploring your skin like a new world made just for him.
But now, you were alone. All you wanted was for him to come home and take up the other seat, to take his place beside you and stay for a while. There were no doubts in your mind as to his adoration for you, you saw it anytime he spent so much as a few moments by your side. It was his dedication to protecting the city that drew him away from you, forcing more and more distance between the both of you.
If only his feelings of guilt weren't so much stronger than his love for you.
When the door to the Winery suddenly swung open, you were startled out of your reverie. Shooting a glance over your shoulder to watch him enter, you read the exhaustion written in every movement he made like a story you had read a million times before. His claymore was propped against the wall and his coat hung on the rack before he noticed you sitting there.
As soon as he did, his eyebrows furrowed. Even with such a look of concern, it felt good to have his eyes on you once again.
"Love?" He called out to you, consternation tinging his low voice. "What are you still doing up?"
How could you answer that? The truth, that you had been aching for him to return and spare you even a single glance, would only weigh him down further. The worst thing you felt you could possibly be in this moment was a burden to him; that would only push him further away.
"Just couldn't sleep." You lied easily, giving him what you hoped was a convincingly relaxed smile.
However, Diluc's frown only grew deeper.
"Love…you're crying." He pointed out gently, not yet moving from his spot in front of the sturdy wooden doors.
With a swipe of your fingers across your cheek, you found that he was right. They came away wet, glistening in the warm firelight.
"Oh…" You hadn't even noticed them until now, but suddenly, your lip trembled with the emotions just barely being held back. "It's nothing, don't worry about it."
But your placating words only seemed to make him worry more. In an instant, he had crossed the room, kneeling before you and cupping your damp cheeks in his hands with a troubled look in his eyes.
"Please don't lie to me." He requested quietly. His thumbs swiped delicate lines beneath your eyes, clearing the tears that collected there.
His intense gaze was filled with such deep concern, such apparent care, it felt impossible to hide your feelings from him any longer, despite not wanting to cause him any more strain.
With a light sniffle, you dropped your gaze from his to your lap, staring down at your fidgeting fingers as they twisted around each other fretfully.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to trouble you, I just…"
Your words faltered, and tears clouded your vision once again, streaming down your cheeks in hot rivulets. Diluc stroked your skin soothingly, waiting patiently for your words.
"I miss you, Luc." Your voice was barely above a whisper. "You've been so busy recently, and I don't want to take up your time when you've got so much on your plate already, but I just feel so…lonely."
The air was still for a few seconds after your admission, until you chanced a look up at his face. His expression was stormy, clouded with irritation, causing your stomach to drop. Of course, you were demanding too much of the man who already had so many people depending on him. With a shake of your head, you pulled away from his gentle touch.
"I'm sorry, I don't want to be a burden. I'll be fi-."
"No." Diluc cut you off with a firm shake of his head, taking your hands into his with the utmost conviction. "Don't apologise. Never apologise for taking up my time."
Your lip quivered once again, the vehement tone of his voice only making your guilt feel that much stronger. Of course, Diluc would be understanding. Why had you even tried to hide your feelings in the first place?
"No matter how busy I am, you are always my priority. I apologise for failing to show you that, my love." He spoke in a low voice.
One hand released yours as he wiped the tears from your eyes again, tilting your gaze up to meet his fiercely passionate one.
"Allow me to make it up to you, love." He murmured in a voice so gentle the steady crackle of the fireplace almost drowned it out.
His gaze was heavy on your rapidly easing expression as he approached slowly and grazed his lips over yours faintly. The aching tenderness of his mouth, the smoky scent clinging to his clothes, the warmth of his body so close yet so far, everything about the moment was so overwhelming. A soft whimper escaped you as he coaxed you into a careful kiss, easing your sadness with every reassuring brush of his lips against yours.
In your desperation to prolong the feeling, your hands gripped his shirt tightly, wrinkling the fine material in your fists. With his gloved hand cradling your jaw, he tipped your head back just slightly, providing him a better angle to glide his hot tongue against your lips as he deepened the kiss.
His free hand came down to rest on your thigh, skimming over the shape of your leg beneath your dress in a way that made you tremble with barely repressed want. Diluc noticed the shiver that ran up your spine at that slightest touch, and with a low rumble from deep within his chest, his wandering hand groped more firmly at the plushness of your thighs and his tongue tangled with yours in a display of his own growing need.
Your heart was racing faster than you thought was possible, the sound of blood rushing in your ears all you could hear. No thoughts made their way past the overwhelming feelings he caused to blossom within you. Eager fingers found their way to his nape, tugging the hair tie from his hair and threading through the fiery red locks. Diluc let out a groan at the feeling, and in an instant, his arms were looping under your thighs, scooping you off the sofa easily.
"Apologies, my love, I had not realised just how long it had been." He murmured, pressing one last kiss to your lips before heading towards the stairs with you in his arms, your legs wrapped around his waist tightly.
"Allow me to make this right, yes?"
The heat in the bedroom was sweltering, radiating from where the both of you laid together for the first time in several days. Your clothes had been long since discarded, and your shivering body was coated in a thin sheen of sweat.
Diluc laid between your legs, sweat gluing a few red strands to his forehead in a way that was almost lewd on its own from your vantage point among the luscious pillows of his bed. Strong hands pinned your quivering thighs to the bed insistently, preventing you from closing them whilst his tongue explored your folds as though it were the first time he had ever done it.
Archons knows how many orgasms he had pulled from you so far; your throat ached with every keen and whimper you let out, and dull heat throbbed in your stomach with every dip of his tongue into your wet entrance as yet another high approached steadily.
Diluc's eyes were clouded with a lustful haze as he paid attention to every reaction you made and the lower portion of his face glimmered wetly with your slick, but he showed no signs of stopping yet. Even by tugging on his loose hair, you were unable to draw his lips away from your aching cunt- in fact, the action only spurred him on, drawing deep rumbles from his chest in response to the sharp sensation in his scalp.
"Luc, please…" you whined, though you weren't certain what it was that you were pleading for. The stimulation was too much, the thought of another orgasm overwhelming, but the idea of him retracting his tongue was even worse.
"Shhh…just one more, love." He mumbled huskily, his eyes slipping shut in contentment.
His lips lowered to your entrance, lapping up the essence of your arousal whilst his nose nudged against your clit, sending electric waves up your spine. Wetness soaked the sheets beneath your hips, and the fine silk was rumpled messily from your writhing.
Wet sounds filled the room as Diluc slurped obscenely on your pussy, every action he made undignified and animalistic with his need to taste you, to feel the way your walls clamped around his tongue as though desperate to keep him there forever.
He dragged the hot muscle of his tongue against your core slowly, swirling around your clit once, twice, then fusing his lips around the bud and sucking. Your back arched and your eyes clenched shut, a clamorous wail tearing through you at the same time as your pleasure peaked, every muscle in your body spasming in euphoria as another orgasm crashed over you. The whole room seemed to fade away, until all that was left was Diluc's mouth, working you determinedly through the peak of your pleasure.
The sensation was so intense, it took several seconds for you to come down. His lips withdrew, peppering light kisses along your inner thighs until your eyes had fluttered open again, searching for him blearily in the darkness.
He appeared almost smug, smiling contentedly as he kissed his way back up your body, lathing his tongue over marks that he had left on his way down. He worked slowly, his hands sliding up your sides and coming to fondle your breasts greedily, rolling your nipples between his fingers whilst he ran his sinful tongue over your damp skin.
By the time he reached your lips, you were whining and bucking against the mattress once again, still not quite satiated after all of the pleasure he had given you. Lying atop you like this, his cock pulsed with need between your bodies, and the slight twitch of him was all it took to get you going again.
"Do you think you can handle one more?" He murmured against your lips, his hips rocking against your stomach, staining your skin with pearls of precum.
"Yes, gods, yes. Please, Luc, need to feel you." Your words came out as desperate sobs, and he breathed a shaky exhale as he leaned his weight onto his elbows above your shaking body.
"Archons…" Diluc whispered, his head dipping into the crook of your neck to nibble softly at the skin there. "You are simply irresistible."
Quickly, he aligned himself with your entrance, running the warm head of his cock through your folds to collect the combination of your juices and his saliva, before pressing it against your tight hole with a groan.
The stretch of him, so thick and hard as he pushed his way into your cunt, was almost more than you could handle this soon after such an intense orgasm. His pelvis ground up against your clit when he bottomed out, stuffing you full with his aching cock whilst you cried out for him.
He held himself there for a few moments, short, gasping breaths leaving his parted lips as he steadied himself. The lushness of your walls wrapped around him was too delicious to be over so soon.
"I promise, I'll never leave you alone again." He whispered, fixing his gaze on your cock-drunk expression as he delivered one slow thrust into your heat.
"I'll keep you satisfied from now on, my love. Never going to let you go without my touch again. I'll dedicate my whole life to you, okay? You'll never be lonely again, I swear."
Diluc was babbling unconsciously with every thrust he gave, all sweet words and promises in a deep, velvety voice that pushed you further into those blissful feelings.
All you could do was moan and sob incoherently in response, tears of ecstasy wetting your lashes as the shivers running up and down your spine grew more and more violent, wracking through your body in tremorous waves in time with every wet slap of his hips against yours.
Strong hands found their way under your hips, lifting them off the mattress slightly so that he could press your thighs upwards and practically fold you in half against the mattress. The tip of his cock reached even deeper inside you in this new position, and your walls pulsed around him in response to the intense sensations.
"Archons, you feel too good…" He moaned, leaning down to lathe the sensitive skin of your neck in hot, sloppy kisses that were so unlike the tender way he usually kissed you. "Gonna cum for me again, love?"
Frantically, you nodded. The invisible string in your stomach tightened until your entire body felt like a piece of elastic ready to snap as his pace only grew more animalistic. White blind spots began to grow in your vision with every invasion of his thick length into your aching hole, and your symphony of moans were surely waking up the maids on the other side of the mansion by now.
"Gonna fill you up, my love. Gonna cum so deep, you'll always have me in you." Diluc growled. His pace was faltering, each drag of his cock inside you losing their rhythm but gaining strength in his wild desperation.
Your responding whine was music to his ears, and he panted hot breaths against the sweat-slick skin of your throat.
"Luc, 'm gonna cum-" Your words came out slurred, as though drunk on the pleasure. Even your eyes could hardly stay open, so overwhelmed with extraordinary pleasure that every muscle inn your body seemed to be clenched tight.
"Me too, fuck- cum for me, darling. Let me feel you, need to feel you." He groaned, sinking his teeth into the column of your throat. "Cum for me, and I'll give you everything."
That was all it took to send you crashing over the edge into impossible pleasure. Your back arched and a loud scream of ecstasy tore out of your throat. Wetness coated his stomach as you squirted with the force of it, finally pushing him over the edge until he was crashing down to his own climax. Diluc let out a loud moan at the same time as yours, and your synchronised cries of pleasure filled the once silent Winery with the sound of your devotion.
#diluc x reader#diluc x reader smut#genshin impact x reader#genshin impact x reader smut#diluc ragnvindr x reader
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Peter
pairing: George Russel x Reader
summary: George broke his promise to you, never coming back
a/n: no Carmen hate, I couldn't bring myself to write another sad ending
requests open masterlist ttpd masterlist
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George Russell was everything to you. Your childhood best friend, first and only love, and first heartbreak. You used to follow him around like a lost puppy, him your fearless leader as you made up adventures. You look at the old cedar closet in your childhood bedroom, the one the two of you believed would lead to Narnia one day.
"Y/n, you okay?" your friend nudges you, noticing you not paying attention to the race. The two of you lay in your bed with snacks, as tradition dictates between you and her. Even after all these years, George still holds the place of your best friend, even after he's hurt you.
"Was it something I did? Why doesn't George call anymore?" you ask the question that has been on your mind for the past could years. Your mind travels back to the last time you saw him.
"Y/n, please don't cry, It's just goodbye for now, not forever," George says before leaving for another race. He just said that the two of you need to take a break while he focuses on his racing for the next couple months and you go to university.
"You'll come and find me?" you sniffle, not wanting him to leave, knowing the truth deep down.
"Of course, I promise, just have some growing up to do," George references your favorite book, wiping the tears from your eyes. You were just babes, barely 18.
"Cheer up, I got us tickets to Silverstone next weekend, my job even threw in paddock passes," your friend throws a piece of popcorn at you. She was there when you realized George wasn't coming back to you anytime soon. She made you promise not to let the lamp burn waiting up for him.
"Can't wait," your stomach churns at the thought of getting a glimpse of him and his new girlfriend. You will never admit that you stalked her socials and professional life. It always hurts more when people mention to you how well he's doing when you can't seem to move on.
As you enter the paddock with your overexcited friend, you can't help but let your thoughts be filled with George. Is he still a mind reader like he was for you? Did he still steal the scene in every room he walked in, always attracting your gaze?
"He looks good," your friend says saltily, in solidarity with you, as you look at the video of him playing on the video board.
"Life was always easier on him," you hum, shaking him from your mind. You scan the crowd, noticing the fellow Brit not far from you, but you don't realize he also notices you before his attention is brought back to his girlfriend. It's like you exist under the same moon but live in different galaxies now, a hurtful realization for both of you.
"Can we go explore another place, I don't want to hang here any longer," you don't need to provide any more explanation before your friend pulls you to another area, unknowingly causing the two of you to cross George's path. He says nothing, only staring at the both of you as you don't notice him. The last memory he has of you popping into his mind.
"It's just goodbye for now," George mutters under his breath, kicking himself mentally for unintentionally forgetting about his best friend.
"What was that, George?" Carmen asks, utterly confused.
"Nothing," he brushes the question off. I grew up, I can still find her. George toys with the thought before the guilt of thinking about you while he is with his girlfriend makes him stop. The guilt of the promise he never kept adds to the pit in his stomach.
"George, are you okay? There's something off about you today?" Lewis asks.
"I'm not sure," George says before telling Lewis all about you, the closet that you two thought led to Narnia, your first kiss, your first 'I love you', your last goodbye, and his broken promise.
"Sounds like you really messed up, so what are you going to do?" Lewis processes the story told to him by his teammate, vowing to look you up later.
"I don't know," George sighs, leaning back in his chair. He imagines you waiting at home after the racing season and your first year at Uni.
You never told your friend how you spent your first semester waiting for George, letting the lamp burn at night. You turned down countless guys asking for dates in the hope that you'd return, standing outside your dorm, ready to tell you all that he learned.
You will never say anything because you never lost the love, it just changes with your perspective. You learned from your broken heart. You stopped sitting by the window waiting for his return, realizing George was lost to the racing part of his life. His Instagram post of him not even 30 kilometers away from you partying with other drivers during your first year of Uni, captioned 'the Lost Boys' solidified that for you.
Now you both were 25, and you grew up. The shelf-life of those fantasies had expired long ago, and despite your heart wanting him, it was time for you to move on. You tried to hold onto those days when you had each other, but there is only so much oil in a lamp to burn, and it is time to turn out the light. As you turn it out, there is a knock on your door.
"Y/n?" George's voice calls out as your hand reaches the handle. You cautiously open the door.
"George?" You say, utterly confused. His heart sinks a little, expecting you to call him Georgie.
"I grew up, I'm sorry, but I'm here now, please forgive me," George pleads, and you invite him in.
"You broke your promise," is all you say as you sit in a chair across from him in your living room.
"I know, and I'm so sorry, seeing you at Silverstone reminded me how stupid I am," George says, moving closer to you. Your head snaps up.
"Silverstone? George that was months ago. I'm sorry, the woman who waited by the window turned out the light. You have a girlfriend now and after everything I don't think I can be just your friend," you say, trying to figure out why he's here.
"Had. I had a girlfriend. When I saw you all I could remember was that last conversation, and I realized I was trying to fill the hole in my heart where you were," George says and you stay silent for a moment, taking his words in.
"I don't think I could take another heartbreak like that," you whisper. George and Lewis social media stalked you and old friends. George noticed that you never moved on from him, staying single. When his mind wouldn't leave the idea of you, he very gently broke it off with Carmen. She deserved better than someone who was filling the spot of someone else. "You forgot about me," you accuse, even if it is the truth.
"I never will again, please, I finally finished growing up, I finally came to get you," his eyes fill with tears, putting the ball in your court.
"One week. You get one week to prove your case, I'll make up my mind from there," you relent slightly, keeping the ball in your court so you get the final say in what happens. No more promises that are oceans deep.
#f1 imagines#f1 imagine#f1 x reader#george russell#george russell imagines#george russell imagine#george russell x reader#the tourtured poets department
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TMNT 2003 Fic Recs
These are mostly going to be hurt/comfort, with a lot of Don fics.
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Homecoming by Technodawn
Donnie is kidnapped by someone and held captive for four years.
Posted on fanfiction.net, this fic is brilliant! One of those fanfics that I read entirely one sitting because I couldn't stop. Lots of brotherly moments and the time Don is held captive is emotional and visceral. This whole fic is so grounded and well thought out.
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Turning the Blade by Pebr
All of the brothers start experiencing the same intense nightmares and all need to come together to face those fears. Only Leo spirals from these nightmares and falls further from his brothers.
Not for the faint of heart with its vivid descriptions and gore. Fantastic exploration of the characters and Leo in particular. A super creative idea with a unique threat. The exhaustion and injuries make the fic feel real and intense.
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Blood-Stained Tiles by RealityBreakGirl
Donnie panics after having to stitch up his father.
I'd recommend anything by RealityBreakGirl in all honesty but this fic has a special place in my heart. It's so sweet and explores the idea of Donnie as the team medic and the pressure that puts him under.
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The Gauntlant by T33la
Donnie has been working on a gauntlant that can negate gravity- but it's highly experimental and glitchy. But soon Mikey and Donnie have to bet their lives on this tech.
Again, would recommend you read through everything T33la has ever written, this fic in particular is my favourite. Reads as an episode of the show. The characters are so vibrant and in-character. Some fantastic action and character moments that won't leave my head.
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Find the Road by SillySocks
A series of oneshots exploring how everyone is dealing after Leo is sent to the Ancient One.
Such a great exploration of family and what these characters mean to each other. Kind of blows my mind that this idea isn't in a bunch of fanfics. A slow almost grieving look after Leo leaves as everyone finds a new normal and tries to keep going as well.
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It Takes a Village by GreenGoddessSmoothie
April is stressed out to the max with dealing with her baby. Thankfully Donnie and Leo come to the rescue.
You won't find a better April hurt/comfort fic. It's so sweet and an amazing fic which explores how these three all see each other. It's one of those fics which is great to read while trying to sleep, very fluffy and a great read.
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Can You Break What You Can't See? by lunaless
Donnie struggling after the mind probe.
One of my favourite post-mind probe fics. The struggle Donnie facing to keep his mind in tact and also everyone struggling to get out of the ship is great! It feels intense and the growing realisation that Donnie isn't okay makes for a great read!
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The Afterward by halogalopaghost
Donnie after his secondary mutation slowly recovering and being nursed back to health. The cure didn't work instantly and everyone is on edge trying to coax him back to health.
Yes. YES! A great fanfic with a lot of medical speculation and the helplessness of watching a family member fall sick. Leatherhead's exhaustion, everyone's desperation. A fantastic read! Also please check out halogalopaghost, another fantastic fic writer that I could recommend every single work they've done.
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Midnight Comforts by mattyj
Raph comforting Don after he had a nightmare about SAINW.
OH! If you want a great character based conversation which completes destroys my heart, you'll find it here. Such a sweet fluffy fanfiction. A fantastic look into Don and Raph's relationship. A must read if you're a sucker for that dynamic.
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Matchmaker Matchmaker (Make Me a Match) by LilliputianDuckling
Donnie is in love with Usagi but mistakes that interest in seeing how great Usagi would be in a relationship and so setting him up with Leo.
Okay I usually avoid shipping stuff since it doesn't really interest me but this was so cute and put an interesting spin on Donnie and Usagi. A great little read and the moment when Raph realises what's actually going on is great. The fic that makes me prefer Don x Usagi rather than Leo.
#tmnt 2003#tmnt#tmnt fic rec#tmnt fanfic#not my writing#2003 donnie#2003 raph#2003 leo#2003 mikey#fic rec
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FIC REC WEEK 18 – CREATURE FIC
Fangbait by FestiveFerret
Pairing: Steve/Tony
Rating: E
Words: 5,396
Tags: Vampire Steve, One Night Stand, Blood Play
Summary: There's only one reason Tony would go to a bar like this, dressed the way he is: fangbait.
Reasons why I love it:
The whole concept of humans specifically going out to get picked up by vampires is really great. And Tony obviously knows what he's doing, which I love, because confidence is sexy as hell. But so is Steve when he's fumbling every step of the way until he hits familiar ground and gives Tony the night of his life. I love this fic so much, and I bet you will too, so please go and check it out!
Best Time of the Month by Onetruesikorsky
Pairing: Steve/Tony
Rating: E
Words: 4,243
Tags: Capwolf, Knotting, PWP
Summary: Original prompt was: There are some really great capwolf fics out there, but can someone give me Tony getting down and dirty with Capwolf? Knotting not optional.
So, yeah. This is Tony happily getting down and dirty with Capwolf. And knotting.
Reasons why I love it:
The fact that Tony trusts Steve enough to sleep with him when he's in his wolf form speaks for itself. And Capwolf is adorable in his impatience and yet infinite care when it comes to Tony. This fic is insanely hot and surprisingly sweet, so if you love Capwolf, you're going to enjoy this one!
If the Water's Still Flowing by Sineala
Pairing: Steve/Tony
Rating: E
Words: 8,106
Tags: Merman Steve, Interspecies Sex, Fluff and Smut
Summary: When a flight test of Tony's new Iron Man suit model sends him plunging into the depths of the Atlantic, rescue comes from the most unlikely of sources. Tony had thought mermaids were fictional, but this man is very, very real. And Tony certainly never expected the merman to be handsome... and the attraction to be mutual.
Reasons why I love it:
Steve is so goddamn cute as a merman, holy shit. I love the exploration of his and Tony's cultural differences and how it translates into them having sex. It's really sweet how they keep accommodating each other until they find a way to be together. And Steve getting all hot and bothered over French kisses is so fucking cute, oh my god, I love him. Definitely go and read this one, it's so much fun!
Protecting What's Mine by ATOASTBW
Pairing: Steve/Tony
Rating: E
Words: 8,391
Tags: Vampire Tony, Werewolf Steve, Mating Cycles
Summary: Despite being a vampire and a werewolf, Tony and Steve have overcome the odds to become best friends, and for the past six hundred years, that's all they have been: friends; nothing more, nothing less.
That is, until Steve experiences a problem with one of his ruts, and being his best friend (and definitely not because he's attracted to Steve), Tony decides to help him out. However, the issues go much deeper than that of just sex, and the two are finally forced to face the true nature of their relationship.
Reasons why I love it:
Steve pining after Tony for literally half a millennium and resigning himself to suffering in silence makes so much sense for his character, but holy shit, I just want to smush their face together! I love how in control Steve is throughout his rut, and how he makes sure that Tony is okay at all times. And the fluff at the end is absolute perfection. I hope you check this one out, because it's wonderful!
Turn Around (Three Times Before Lying Down) by kellifer_fic
Pairing: Steve/Tony
Rating: M
Words: 15,573
Tags: Werewolves, Action/Adventure, Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Everyone knows that Tony Stark is a playboy, billionaire philanthropist, but what they don’t know is that he’s also a werewolf. When a government agency known as SHIELD finds out, they use this information to force Tony’s hand and bring him into a new elite lycan field team, codename The Avengers Initiative.
Suddenly Tony finds himself playing host to a bunch of lycans, a misplaced God of Thunder and an experimental supersoldier that isn’t as dead as everyone assumed. Can his week get any worse?
Reasons why I love it:
My heart just bleeds for Steve in this one. The sentiment of being in between two groups, never really belonging to either, really hit home for me. And it's so lovely to see the pack bond form between the Avengers, especially because getting there is such a journey for them. This fic is amazing, and I highly recommend you read it for yourself!
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[CW: mentions of grooming and SA]
i'm starting to watch baby reindeer and it's nothing like what i expected it to be and I'm a bit in shock because so far I've never related so much to a portrayal of grooming/SA
honestly none of the shows or movies I've watched before have gotten it just right like this show does, i think it's because most of those I've watched are situations where the victim doesn't develop a bond(? with their abuser and either they are abused by a stranger or a partner becomes suddenly abusive, but not many explore the complexities of grooming and how much it makes the abuse worse, a lot of them also make the abuse the plot of the story and don't focus on what happens after someone survives abuse or the before about what factors can make someone more vulnerable to being victims of grooming, a lot of stories don't focus on these parts because they are messy but they need to be talked about more
there were so many things i unfortunately related to, how being abused by someone you want approval of hurts so much, how you can both be afraid of and also look for comfort in the same person that abuses you, the feeling of wanting to somehow protect this person that has hurt you and blaming yourself. you try to empathize with someone who never had your feelings in mind, you try to find ways to "negotiate" during the abuse and you think it gives you some sense of control, that it means you can deal with this situation. you downplay what happened to you because it's easier to move on than face it.
the other part that is rarely explored in media and that I've only seen it twice before is the sexual confusion and the incessant wondering if you were fucked up from the start or if that person ruined you forever, this topic makes the average person very uncomfortable but it's so important that it's talked about because victims carry so much shame because of it.
brains have strange ways of coping with trauma and a lot of times for victims it means that they feel the need to recreate the abuse they experienced in a setting where they have control of the situation, it also means that a lot of us develop hypersexuality and will put ourselves in risky situations, sometimes without realizing that it's tied to the trauma.
unfortunately society's reaction to these things is...bad, very bad. people that don't understand how trauma works use it to argument that victims wanted their abuse to happen, people also shame those who use kink to cope and heal AND when people see victims actively showing these signs, instead of helping, a lot of people judge without questioning if something is going on below the surface (at least this was my case, when i was very obviously putting myself in risky situations i was seen as someone that had something inherently wrong with him instead of someone that needed help and people did absolutely nothing to put me away from risk!)
the fact that it's the story of a male victim of SA is also relevant bc it's generally seen as less serious, I've been laughed at before when talking about my abuse and people tend to treat it as something you should want to happen to you etc.
anyways i hope more stories of SA are more like this, i hope all these topics are explored no matter how uncomfortable they might be, i hope more stories cover grooming in specific
it's been important to me at least, trauma from grooming can be so isolating because you really only feel understood by people who have gone through the same and it's so messy and confusing and it impacts your life for years, decades down the line..the part of loving hating myself more than i loved her hit me extremely hard because that's what trauma does, it takes away anything good that could happen to you
if you made it to here and are considering watching keep in mind trigger warnings because it was a difficult but necessary watch for me
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the suckening episode 13 spoilers
first of all, so so happy that there's a season 2! as the episode was coming to a close i was feeling super bittersweet as i felt that there was a lot that hadn't been resolved, so glad this series is getting a second season as it totally deserves it! it's been my first jrwi campaign so it's very dear to me.
second of all, shilo. sweet sweet shilo. god how i've loved his arc this season. the difference between the shilo of episode 1 and 13 is palpable. what i especially loved was shilo coming to terms with empathy - facing the consequences of the old peoples home directly during the games. that entire scene with ben's death was genuinely heartbreaking, what a brilliant moment to show that yes, your actions actively hurt people around you.
i've always believed for shilo to be kind, i think it's in his nature as a person. but his lack of empathy for others held him back. he went from basically sending castle guards to their deaths to attempting to make ben's death as pleasant as possible, using his own abilities for the sake of others instead of his own personal gain. this is something i'd really love to see explored further during season 2, can definitely see the parallels with emizel here with his note at the end of the session. both have used people like they were pawns (love the literal example of this with the card planning 'board' in the motel), and are coming to terms with this. the fact that the final track from the session is called 'absence of reflection' really sums this up for the both of them. they really struggled to reflect on their own actions for the majority of this season.
yet shilo has also been fighting for his own agency, this has already been discussed by others so i'll keep in brief. shilo was a pawn for edward from the very beginning, and honestly to a lesser extent for arthur too. he's constantly used for his title and connection to the queen unwillingly, others seeking to access the power that he has. during this season we've really seen shilo attempt to break free from this, to make his own choices as he learns more about the outside world and overcomes some of his naïvety that's honestly no fault of his own. i'd need to make a whole separate post for his relationship with edward but he was only ever seen as a stepping stone to power.
of course arthur is scary, both physically now and in his abilities from the start of the campaign. but in this finale honestly i found shilo the scariest. his spell against edward that ultimately finishes the fight, the way he conducted himself in that moment, the loss of his innocence merit all made for such a wonderful scene that really shows how far shilo has come. he's always commanded people, he's not the best at physical combat but Words, that's nothing the other two pcs have much power with. the power to change someone's appearance to 0 and impact their social stats is such an insane amount of power, and i really hope this is the direction shilo heads down next season. combined with emizel's lives and physical combat skills they make a really scary duo.
summing things up, i really really love shilo. his arc has been incredible and i'm overjoyed that we will be seeing more of him as his story definitely isn't over. i'm glad we will probably get to learn more about his birth and his thoughts on that, guys they're so cain and abel. but yeah. brilliant finale to a wonderful season!
#jrwi#the suckening#shilo bathroy#prince shilo#man i love shilo so much#(incredibly long post) the. the boy#i want to see him get even scarier actually
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I've been really obsessed with "Down Bad" as a song in the sequence of songs about love affairs changing a person--indeed, wounding a person-- leaving an indelible mark if you will-- and it's interesting in context of her other songs that explore this. (Putting under a readmore because it's really just such a lyric dump):
She sings in "Down Bad":
Did you really beam me up
In a cloud of sparkling dust
Just to do experiments on?
Tell me I was the chosen one
Showed me that this world is bigger than us
Then sent me back where I came from
He takes her, changes her, then abandons her! The other lyrics it tied me to were in "Ilicit Affairs" and "Would've, Should've, Could've"
Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me
You showed me colors
You know I can't see with anyone else
...
You taught me a secret language
I can't speak with anyone else
---
And if you never saved me from boredom
I could've gone on as I was
But, Lord, you made me feel important
And then you tried to erase us
I think this line is interesting too from "Down Bad" and also reminds me of "Illicit Affairs" -- this thing she cannot talk about
They'll say I'm nuts if I talk about
The existence of you
--
But it's not just that the love affair has changed her and he left-- it's that it has ruined her, hurt her-- maimed her -- and I couldn't not make this comparison:
Down bad, wakin' up in blood (Wakin' up in blood)
Starin' at the sky, come back and pick me up
--
All Too Well (Ten Minute Version):
From when your Brooklyn broke my skin and bones
I'm a soldier who's returning half her weight
And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue?
Just between us, did the love affair maim you too?
It's blood and bruises and broken bones!! She has to compare her internal pain to a physical condition, one that leaves a change, leaves a mark-- and it's not that it's a result of an accident -- he did this to her
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Today is day 2 of Trigun Fanfiction Appreciation Week & with it, another rec list.
Gen AUs
Geranium Dreams by the_13th_battalion, rated T
Tangled AU where Vash is Rapunzel, WW is Flint & Conrad is Mother Gothel. Oh! And we can't forget the MVP: Kuroneko as Pascal!
promise of an ending by Altered_Karma, rated T
Although it does take elements from Tangled (re: locked in the tower!) it doesn't follow the movie's storyline. Instead, the author adds magical elements that don't involve long hair & another form of conflict. There's even fanart for this on twt.
Daylight (You Got Me Cursing The Daylight) by Sblurg, rated E
A Violet Evergarden AU we never asked for but absolutely needed. Full of angst & hurt/comfort that gives it's inspo a run for its money.
Otherworldly by WarriorNun, rated M
Pacific Rim AU with its own dashes of worldbuilding & despite the apocalyptic setting it implies, has its share of comedy & slice-of-life moments.
The Courtship of Nicholas D Wolfwood by @screamingshark, rated M
Another fic I want to absolutely devour. A Modern AU where Plants are Mers. The author does a wonderful job of writing their courting rituals & culture in gen as well as plot twists & cliffhangers that drive you nuts. You can find fanart for it on their acc & some @poibeansart.
And Still Have Wings (with which to fly) by @alpha-hydra, rated E
Shape of Water AU where WW goes from fugitive/con-artist/former assassin to janitor & upon meeting Vash, is willing to go back to being a fugitive again if it means freedom. There's also fanart.
Show the symbol on your chest by @somereaderinblue, rated G
For a tiny bit of self-promotion a Superhero AU, more specifically a Teen Titans AU where Meryl is Robin, Milly is Starfire, WW is Beast Boy, Livio/Razlo is Cyborg & Vash is Raven. No knowledge of TT is necessary.
Tesla fics
cross my heart and hope to die by beelzebby666 & Lightning Rod by @needle-noggins, rated M
Both these fics explore the fact that Tristamp Elendira has Tesla's eye. They were done during Trigun Body Horror Week so heed the tags.
Happy by Plumerias_of_BlueMaroon, rated M
A heartbreaking Tesla POV. We know how this story goes, we know how it ends. We're simply seeing this story through her eyes & it's no less tragic. As someone who's studied child development, having to read this child look at how so many treat her & wonder 'What did I do wrong?' brings another level of hurt.
There Are Differences Between Our Hearts by Marley_Millions, rated T
Another Tesla POV fic where she expresses her frustrations to her sisters, the only ones who always listen to her through it all.
Run Red River (Run Home and Back Again) by PSIDontKnow, rated T
Tesla tears reality asunder for one simple reason: to find a universe where she is loved instead of martyred.
chrysanthemum by schrodingers__cat, rated T
The humans took many things from Tesla. Her autonomy, her body, her freedom, the concept of love, happiness & acceptance that didn't come with hurting. The only thing she wants back is her chance to be an older sister.
the half-extinguished light by reclamation, rated T
I accidentally discovered this fic while checking out their pfp & became intrigued by the Frankenstein concept. After reading it, I can't help but wonder who the true monster is. Is it Tesla/Vash? Is it Nai, who will soon become Millions Knives? Or maybe even Rem & Conrad, who were accomplices.
trouble comes in threes by @corgiss, rated T
TIME FOR SOME TESLA LIVES AUS! Here, we have them being NML's weird desert cryptids disaster siblings. There's also this fanart.
Sun, Moon, and Stars by @wendywhite13, rated T
Another Tesla Lives AU where Rem puts her foot down on day 1, causing a domino effect. This world is kinder, but it's still full of social & political challenges the family has to navigate through together.
Purple Hyacinth AU by @somereaderinblue, rated T & G
My own Age-Reversal + Role Swap AU where Tesla lives because in this world, she was born last while Vash was born first.
VW fics
sex shop/mortician by @sascake, rated E & M
As the title implies, Vash owns a sex shop, WW is a mortician & they have kids. It's always interesting to see Vash with jobs other than a baker or florist in a modern AU.
Eye to Eye by severalspoons, rated T
Reminder that for all his goofiness, Vash is the most perceptive character in-universe. Despite this, he chooses to love someone with a mask just as ironclad as his own.
Tomas Fried Rice by InkedEntropy, rated G
VW cook fried rice together, and then Vash cooks it alone.
My Body's Moving Into Retrograde by Sacramental_Wine, rated E.
Vash never hesitates to give his love & body, WW makes him receive it for once.
The Wall by Dezace, rated T
Canon-divergence wherein Knives captures Vash the Stampede decades before canon, allowing him to meet WW before he became the Punisher.
upon broken wings by maxxstrom, rated E
If I had a nickel for everytime I found a VW fic where they met as EoM captives, I'd have two nickels. Not a lot, but it's happened twice.
Unlike the prev fic, this is a world where Vash stayed with Knives, never becoming the Stampede. However, this means he meets a WW who's yet to hit cynicism rock-bottom. Vash becomes WW's saint & he in turn becomes Vash's salvation.
And that's all I have for day 2. Hope you enjoy the fics & leave a kudo/comment for the respective author, have it be on AO3 or Tumblr. I wish all my fellow Trigun fans/artists/writers a good time!
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no children
#i think the xv fandom should acknowledge more that noct and ignis's relationship isn't entirely healthy#There's a lot more weird fucked up circumstantial shit and nuance than ppl act like there is#i love exploring it but also they hurt me.#ffxv#ff15#final fantasy xv#final fantasy 15#nudity#ignis scientia#ignis stupeo scientia#noctis lucis caelum
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i cannot stop thinking about anissa and marky though [COMIC SPOILERS]
how did he react when he learned what his mother did? just like mark, he lived a lie. he thought his mother was kind and nice — the only thing that is true is that she loved him, but now, he has no idea if he should believe it
and. you've grown up being conditioned to believe that violence is peace, and that kindness is a lie and a weakness. you hurt people. by hurting a person, by destroying him irreparably, you found the boy you love most: your son. and you don't regret it. you hope one day, once he sees him, he'll get it. but you still don't regret it. you can't say you're sorry
marky will grow up without his biological father, because when mark hugs him he can only remember his mother and what she did to him. your father can't love you the way your mom did. you can't love your mother the way your father loved his
the worst part is, that it she hadn't done it, you wouldn't have existed. you wouldn't be here. your father will grow to love you. you will grow to accept each other. but you tend to wonder — if he never sees you as anything else other than your mother's son, then who will you have when everyone else you know dies?
#i hate anissa but also her character was done so well#like i hate her#fuck her#but jesus christ.#wow#i feel so bad for marky honestly#when anissa said “i don't regret it. tell him. tell him he'll understand when he sees him”#that shit hurt me#that was the WORST time for you to die girl#i was like “idc about anissa thank fuck she died” but then#i put myself in marky's place. and WOWWW#you gotta be strong to deam with that#YOU GOTTA BE STRONG TO BE ANY INVINCIBLE TBH#LIKE WOW.#thinking about mark now#imagine learning that the person who hurt you the most is a better person now#and that means she regrets kt#but then you learn right after her death that she does not regret it at all#you don't even get to hear an “i'm sorry”. not that you'd have listened to it#then you learn she had a son. with you. named AFTER YOU#honestly i can't blame him for allowing things to be THAT awkward w marky#i am so glad the reconciled tho I don't think I'd be able to live if mark's son hated him#tw sa mention#invincible#invincible comic#comic spoilers#marky grayson#anissa invincible#mark grayson#b4 anyone gets this wrong: I DO NOT SUPPORT WHAT ANISSA DID. it's just that marky's relationship w her is smth i would love to see explored
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Mikey and Raph’s relationship are usually very tense, as Raph’s overprotective and Mikey doesn’t like to be suffocated, thing is Mikey’s very verbal about his displeasure with Raph and that ends with them fighting a lot, going as far as physical fights (said physical fights are usually Mikey attacking and Raph simply going for defense, as Raph never dares left a finger against any of his brothers, especially his baby brother)
However it’s all a matter of perspective, neither of them is technically in the wrong, from Raph’s perspective, Mikey’s reckless actions has put out a name for him, making him a target for many, and whether Mikey can handle himself isn’t really in the equation in Raph’s thought process, as Raph isn’t taking any chances when it comes to his baby brother’s safety
From Mikey’s perspective, his eldest brother is suffocating him with his overprotective nature, making him very frustrated and in turn, even more violent, so he goes out and intentionally causes problems as a way to challenge Raph’s authority over him, he usually causes these problems to intentionally rile Raph up, he never succeeds, Raph is very quiet and barely even raises his voice let alone show any kinda outburst or even as far as an angry face, it frustrates Mikey to never end, sometimes escalating to said physical fights
Ironically however, despite their tense relationship, Mikey and Raph are almost inseparable, they usually play favorites, and Mikey is always very vocal about Raph being his favorite brother, a tiny detail I included in my Mikey design is the three bracelets, you see each holding a color representing one of his brothers, and Mikey has Raph’s bracelet the first before any of the others, signaling that Raph is his favorite brother, Mikey sometimes says that Raph “is no longer his favorite” yet you’d never see him ever rearranging the bracelets’ order
not only that but Mikey’s nature of “always keep up a smile” is never broken in front of anybody except Raph, cause as much as Mikey hates Raph’s overprotectiveness, his eldest brother succeeds at making him feel safe enough to drop the act and show what he’s truly feeling without any fear of any judgment
I wanted to talk about Mikey’s and Raph’s relationship for so damn long you don’t know fuhchcch
I LOVE THEM UR HONOR
Pspspspsps this may or may not be related to this post in some way shape or form >:)
Raph’s ref sheet
Mikey’s ref sheet
Pspspsps I talked about the disaster twins’ relationship here
Villainous brothers AU masterpost
#i love this au sm guys I’m sorry#it’s just give me the opportunity to explore the turtles’ relationship in a different light under a completely new circumstance#me chuckling at the thought of Raph seeing a hurt Mikey and vice versa >:)#also the song Stranded Lullaby is literally just how Raph and Mikey’s relationship is like#villainous brothers au#anothers art#rottmnt#rottmnt fanart#rise of the tmnt#rise of the tmnt fanart#unpause rottmnt#unpause rise of the tmnt#save rise of the tmnt#save rottmnt#rottmnt raph#rottmnt mikey#rottmnt michelangelo#rottmnt raphael#rise raphael#rise raph#rise mikey#rise michelangelo#mikey hamato#michelangelo hamato#villain mikey#villain raph#villain michelangelo#villain raphael#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#tmnt 2018
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hold on i need to get a thought and emotions out. so with Welcome Home, there seems to be a before and an after. obviously, we're in the after. the website is the after. and if it turns out that the story we see, the one where shit hits the fan and the show is practically erased, then... that already happened. whatever horrors we see, we'll know that there is no saving them. there is no happy ending - it happened, and it's tragic. the show is doomed to end and be scrubbed away. if any of the characters are revealed to be dead/gone by the website, then when/if we see them at an earlier point, we'll Know
and there's a special kind of dread and horror in that for us, the audience.
#im not articulating this the way i want to...#it's like going to see a tragic play. like romeo and juliet for instance.#we go into it knowing the end. they die. no matter what they die. every step they take leads to That End#every happy moment is undercut by the knowledge that it won't last#thinking about this makes me think that at some point learning more about the story/characters is gonna feel like digging up a grave#AGH I LOVE IT THOUGH I LOVE IT. IT HURTS SO MUCH BUT I LOVE IT#its a special feeling of dread/nostalgia/bittersweetness/resignation#and that is sensation in the chest that doesnt feel good but it also does somehow? it hurts but just enough to not be unbearable?#welcome home#welcome home speculation#welcome home puppet show#man i am so so so so scared for the puppets lmfao#i have some theories on the ways shit might go down. like little things. souring relationships and such#i also have a feeling that the story is really gonna hit home (ha) for me in Big Ways#like as soon as i saw clown say that it's kinda about 'when does a home become a house' and stuff#OOF. YIKES. WHEN DOES IT INDEED. i mean i know. ive lived it. im Living it.#this is gonna get unintentionally personal Real Fast in Several Fun And Festive Ways for me huh#i wonder if the story is gonna be uncovered linearly or not...#chewing on it chewing on it chewing on it#i can't wait to Understand the world/characters so that i can write fanfic. i want to so badly. i want to Explore#i want to hop into that grave and keep digging
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the darkest of nights, in truth, still dazzles.
a halsin fanmix [listen]
01. Heart of Spring - david arkenstone | 02. Cé Hé Mise Le Ulaingt? / The Two Trees - loreena mckennit | 03. Pussywillows, Cat-tails - gordon lightfoot | 04. Maybe Tomorrow - f&m | 05. Don't Stop Me Now - queen | 06. I Was Born Under a Wand'rin' Star - bryn terfel | 07. A Tenuous Bond - derek duke | 08. Closer - nine inch nails | 09. Into the Darkness - jeremy soule | 10. Colorblind - counting crows | 11. Natural Light - ludovico einaudi | 12. Under the Greenwood Tree - royal shakespeare company | 13. The Grove - bear mccreary | 14. Blood Upon the Snow - hozier & bear mccreary | 15. A Quiet Darkness - houses | 16. Spellplague - alderfall | 17. Empty Chairs at Empty Tables - jonathan antoine | 18. Only Everyone Can Judge Me - crywank | 19. Blue Skies - kathryn calder | 20. The Buzzard - old blind dogs | 21. Constant Craving - k.d. lang | 22. The Cave - mumford and sons | 23. Jim Cain - bill callahan | 24. I Won't Back Down - johnny cash | 25. The Ash Grove - laura wright | 26. The Wind - yusuf/cat stevens | 27. To Someone From A Warm Climate (Uiscefhuarithe) - hozier | 28. The Logical Song - supertramp | 29. Tapestry - don mclean | 30. Big Yellow Taxi - joni mitchell | 31. Eat Your Young (Bekon's Choral Version) - hozier | 32. The Flock - david maxxim micic | 33. Changes - david bowie | 34. Ri Na Cruinne - clanaad | 35. The Moments of Happiness - ken page | 36. My Back Pages - the byrds | 37. If This Journey - tom hanford | 38. Turn! Turn! Turn! (To Everything There is a Season) - Live - pete seeger
#BG3 Musing#BG3 Fanmix#Halsin BG3#Halsin#Halsin Posting#my fanmix#i give up this is about as done as it will ever be - i've been talking about this enough i need to get it away from me#i could have made at least one or two other playlists with the number of songs i cut from this#there were some things that hurt me to cut but i figured others had them in their playlists so they're out there#(the impossible dream you will always be famous i am so sorry :(()#i had three goals with this 1. make it more of a timeline in that it follows a narrative order (which hopefully is easy enough to follow)#(it makes sense to me about as much as it is ever going to lol)#2. try to avoid using songs that other individuals have used in their playlists (with a handful of exceptions - i highly encourage you also#take a listen to the others around! lots of good stuff and i figured if you were missing it from this one you can find another with it)#(and if i did use one the context might be different#'closer here is being used in a different way than i usually see it - it's putting more emphasis on the 'you can have my isolation' bit use#in context of the matron and patron for example)#and 3. focus as much as possible on non-romance path elements of halsin's character - i.e. again that's a topic that is highly explored#in other fanmixes to great success - this one is about the childhood he references and the adventures and the capture in the underdark#and the shadow curse and the burying of people he loved and the uptaking of the archdruid position and the healing he did#and possibly did not do#and the radicalization he comes into when his goals are met and he's faced with injustices#and the struggle he has of redefining himself and figuring out who he is after all of it#hopefully the 'eras' are clearly defined but hey it's all gravy from here#honestly if there is one song to listen to that encapsulates halsin for me it's tapestry - highly recommend that#anyway i am blabbing - let the lyrics and such talk for themselves jemi please#but if fanmixes aren't your speed have a kinda nice edit i guess#edit: now with bonus song i just had to add after shamefully forgetting it
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and if i said gregory and tariq hooking up could be a powerful part of gregory’s bi awakening then what
#can we talk about how tariq calls him greg like helloo#im just saying#still shopping hilleddie don’t get me wrong#surprise surprise imani wants someone to kiss about it lol#i just feel like there’s some chemistry to be explored there#maybe one night he runs into tariq at the bar after jacob and Janine leave#and maybe tariq and what’s her name broke up but he’s like I love her kid and being part of the pta and seeing u#and then boom there’s kissing#do you see the vision I see the vision#not in a careless way either that leads to anyone getting hurt but I mean the exploration is necessary#also like it says a lot about this show that there’s so many good juicy possibilities for these characters#abbott elementary#ae s3#someone kiss gregory eddie again challenge#abbott elementary spoilers
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