#i know im not there mentally but you could be the remedy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rosesandmary · 1 year

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TAGGING SYSTEM MASTER POST

TAG MEGA POST

rosemary rambles is my talking tag (but it used to be liv.txt, so some old posts are still tagged that)

any name followed by .op is the tag used to represent who is fronting

writinglb is where i talk about whatever im writing. be it fanfic or an assignment or anything. it might spoiler something so beware!

special interest tag is for things relating to my special interest

rosemarys hall of fame is my favorite tag

baby its queue! is my queue

paint covered hands is my art tag

rosemarys writing my writing tag (swings between fanfic and original works ^_^)

the music of travelers is my band-posting tag. by scrolling through it you are allowing yourself to be exposed to my autism.

things i would kill to own is my fashion tag

you and i we are matter (and it matters) is my positivity tag

no one gave up a rib for me! is my the crane wives loveposting tag

rosemarys personal posts are just things very personal to me. they might be vents or they might just be me talking about my feelings. typically i dont want anyone rbing them but mutuals. if i really dont want anyone to reblog something ill turn rbs off entirely.

live on the scene is my irl pic tag. just selfies and shit ig!

pubby <3 is the tag where i post photos of my dogs smile

begging for help from someone who's dead! is my flatsound loveposting tag

i know im not there mentally but you could be the remedy is my ajr loveposting tag

practice blogging is the tag ill use when im talking about my clarinet practice

promise me that youll start where i end is my the oh hellos loveposting tag

ragbros posting is the tag i use for my diluc and kaeya posting

dep posting is what i tag dwellers empty path content

wife tag is the tag for characters i consider wives to me

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hcmxra · 1 year

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"Oh right.. It's that day where I buy a tub of icecream so I can eat the whole thing by myself while crying."

#☾ ✩ i know im not there mentally ; but you could be the remedy ☽ dash commentary #☾ ✩ muse ☽ zenitsu #He does this for every family-related day dw #(except fathers day he tries to do something nice for his gramps that day)#(but otherwise hes sad boi)

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raven-at-the-writing-desk · 9 days

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you know i've been thinking about the consequences of malleus's actions in book 7 and i realized how much he's fucked everyone over including his grandma. bc like other than the fact that he ob'd (which literally has NEGATIVE connotations one of which being is idk ""UNSTABLE"" which isnt necessarily a good look for a crown prince is all im saying) he's literally causing terrorism (??? can you call it that idk how else to call it) which is going to setback his grandma's efforts (and lilia's and baul's, and every supporter of his and his family) in keeping peace in their kingdom and the favor of the humans towards the fae. Like. i feel so bad for grandmother draconia rn i can only imagine the stress and pressure she's under.

Then theres also aside from PHYSCIALLY compromising everyone's healths in sage island (BECAUSE THE MAJORITY ARE HUMANS OR AT LEAST THEY DONT LIVE AS LONG AS THE FAE). He's also fucked everyone mentally twice over!!!! By booting them straight into a world where none of their problems exist. Now that wouldnt sound bad if it weren't for the fact that dreams have to end, and life isnt kind. It rarely ever is, and i can only imagine how distraught i would be if i were to say, hypothetically lost someone a year before and the wound is so fresh and raw and, in my dreams, they never died and everything is okay, then i wake up and realize that it was just that. A dream, they are still gone and i wish i never woke up which would be a LITERAL DEATH SENTENCE. This isnt just an event that takes place in NRC either BUT THE WHOLE ISLAND and that domain is GROWING, GROWING. I can't imagine just how many would be so emotionally ruined after this. Like.....

If Malleus does not suffer the consequences of his actions istg i will be so pissed, at least REMOVE HIM FROM THE PREMISE OR SOMETHING GODDDDDDD this cannot be remedied with a slap on the hand!!!!!

(Note: Sorry for the long rant. I felt the need to get this out of my chest bc i dont mind malleus's archetype actually nor do i actually hate him, bc i enjoy him interacting w other characters a lot (my fave ever vigenette is him giving deuce the equivalent of minecraft diamon for fixing a retrobit gaming toy) BUT GOD DOES HE MAKE MY BLOOD BOIL)

Yeah, I do feel like the scale of Malleus's actions cannot be understated. I know it's kind of a fandom joke that the OB boys are left off with a slap on the wrist + maybe some social ramifications at school, but this is the ONE time in the main story where things are getting super big and the effects could be cripplingly long-lasting.

I don't know if TWST will seriously address the consequences after book 7, but I sure hope they do!! There is a lot of interesting ground to cover (many points which this anon has already brought up) in a follow-up main story arc or the next book.

For example:

Malleus obviously has to regain the trust of his peers and staff. He didn’t really have it before but now has to work twice as hard to make connections since he just took a drastic action that confirmed the rumors some were already spreading about how he’s a monster.

He’s the sole heir to the throne and has just betrayed the trust of the people of Briar Valley. How are they feeling about him now? Do they still trust him to lead them?

How does this impact their relations with other countries (since Malleus himself stresses how he represents Briar Valley)? This is a problem visible on a global scale, and surely this would damage their rep with other nations, particularly the predominantly human ones. It’s setting back what is hundreds of years of trying to fix the broken trust between their races.

Malleus’s UM potentially puts his victims in physical harm; in book 7, Ortho suggests that since everyone is sleeping, their bodies are not getting the food or water they need. As a result, they may physically waste away and then perish. (We have seen that there are sleep blessings that keep people sleeping for hundreds of years without detriment to the blessed though, such as the one cast on Silver—so we cannot be entirely sure if Ortho’s theory is correct or not.)

There is the possibility that Malleus’s dreams may traumatize or retraumatize his victims, particularly those with deep rooted troubles. An example of this is Idia, who had suffered the loss of his brother when he was like… 8 years old??? But then in his dream, Idia is living a happy false reality that Ortho never died. When he finally comes to this realization, he has to relive the trauma of the discovery all over again and breaks down sobbing. We also see in the most recent book 7 update that Vil had to face the evilest aspects of himself and a dark reality; Rook became very emotional upon waking himself. Admittedly, Idia and co. coped with it well enough—this is proof of their character development and the strength of the new friendships they’ve formed. However, all the people on Sage’s Island/Twisted Wonderland may not react so positively or be so accepting of their cruel realities.

Again, just the overall moral dilemma of one person robbing all of Sage’s Island (and soon all of Twisted Wonderland) of their autonomy.

Potential extra work for STYX and whichever countries Malleus’s magic manages to spread to (repairing any physical damage caused by the thorns + mental damage done to those that fell asleep). That’s money, time, and resources that aren’t going toward other everyday endeavors.

How will Malleus himself mentally and emotionally cope with what he has done? Is he going to show remorse and shame? How does he plan on rectifying his actions, if at all?

Will this change how his dorm members + family view him? For example, will Sebek become disillusioned with his liege/realize Malleus is not as perfect as he seems? Will Maleficia blame herself for not being there for Malleus? Will Lilia feel guilty for not teaching Malleus right from wrong? Etc, etc, etc.

I’d honestly love to read all of these! 🤔 It would add a lot to the lore and history of Twisted Wonderland, as well as serve as motivators for Malleus to change, “be better”, and actually earn the respect he’s so used to being handed by default. This would be huge for him, especially seeing as he has not really faced significant backlash or consequences for any other missteps he was responsible for or involved in. (I know I bring this one up a lot, but Endless Halloween Night is one such major example.)

#twst #twisted wonderland #Malleus Draconia #book 7 spoilers #disney twisted wonderland #disney twst #notes from the writing raven #Idia Shroud #Ortho Shroud #Ignihyde #Maleficia Draconia #Sebek Zigvolt #book 6 spoilers #Silver #Lilia Vanrouge #Diasomnia #Vil Schoenheit #Rook Hunt #book 7 part 8 spoilers

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beeslibrarycorner · 2 months

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Can’t sleep? I got you!

Newt scamander x reader

Warnings: SMUT, MDNI

You were frustrated tossing and turning, you couldn't take it anymore. So you got out of bed and made your way out of the bedroom to make yourself a cup of tea. Newt, still busy with his work, looks up to see you walk into the kitchen to grab what you needed.

“Darling it's late for you to still be up, what's wrong?” he asked and you couldn't help but mentally groan as you heard the chair being pushed back and soft footsteps walking towards you. You just wanted to be left alone, you didn't want to bother Newt, he looked busy.

You turned to him and smiled lightly, “Im just making some tea for myself, I can't sleep” you said and you could see the frown that's forming on his face and you feel even more guilt. “You could have told me love, I could have helped you earlier.”. He said as the kettle began to whistle.

You poured the hot water into a cup and kissed the man goodnight, “Don't stay up too late, I'm just going to read my book and drink my tea.”. You said not looking back, not realizing that he was following you into the bedroom. He sits next to you when you place your tea cup on the nightstand.

His arm curls around you, pressing you closer into his side like he's trying to keep you where you are. “You take care of everyone around you and you make sure that everyone is nice and comfortable but once you get offered help you turn it away” he says, nosing the crown of your head. “Why is that?” he asks you, thumbing the skin on your hip; exposed by your sleep shirt.

“Who takes care of y/n? Hm?” He asked, You couldn’t answer his question meekly hiding your face into his neck, he trusts you. “Don't go shy on me now, honey” he coos his hand moving to the front of your sleep shorts and sliding his fingertips under the waistband. “I know just the remedy for your insomnia” he says quietly “ I just need you to spread your legs a bit wider.”.

You gasp at the way his skin makes contact with yours, all warm and alluring. He traces the petals of your labia gently with the tips of his fingers before spreading them open. He gasps, “You're so wet, no wonder why you can't sleep” he croons and you feel your face heat up.

“I don’t even have to prep you, your that wet” he murmurs and slips two fingers into you. The stretch is just what you needed, your body starting to go lax as Newt starts to move his fingers. “That’s it just relax for me, you’re a very good girl” he murmurs presses a kiss to your forehead.

He focuses his attention to the spongy part of your vaginal canal and you your thighs start to twitch from how it feels. Newt is cooing and praising you quietly trying to coax you into finishing on his fingers.

“I can feel you starting to twitch, are you close?” He keeps gently massaging the area and all you could do is stay squished and feel. “Yes” you squeak out and you can feel your ye smile that spreads across his face.

“Please cum on my fingers” he pleads, his arm moving in a way that makes his movements unaffected by the limited movement of your hips. “you’ll feel so much better when you do. Then when you wake up I’ll make you cum again and again until you’ve had your fill.” He cooed.

“Pretty girls like you deserve to feel good all the time” he continues and you feel yourself let go. You cum hard and you feel Newts hold on you tighten. “That’s it, good girl; let go for me honey” he murmurs to you.

When all is said and done he licks his fingers clean, tucks you into bed and takes your neglected tea from the nightstand. He come back 15 minutes later after cleaning up his work station, he lays down on his side of the bed and pulls you into his side.

“I love you darling, sleep tight” newt cooed as held you close and started rubbing your back. You fell asleep soon after.

#newt scamander x reader #newt scamander x you #newt scamander smut #newt scamander #fantastic beats and where to find them

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r0-boat · 2 years

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I am sick right now. Mostly soreness and stuff. And I have a feeling that if Volo really cared for the reader despite refusing to admit it, he’d kinda slip up and be the mother hen type. Like refuses to admit he’s concerned at all but his expressions betray him and he forces you to rest and stay hydrated and stuff. Can I get some content on what he would do? (Bonus points if reader asks if they can fuck when she’s better lmao🐶)

To be honest saying I also feel pretty sick

I tried to aim for something more wholesome if you don't mind

Volo with a sick reader

Laventon and Cyllene went to go check on you when you didn't show up for morning training. To find your body still in your futon your forehead was hot.

"Miss I swear I'll be fine in a few days this isn't necessary," you say but Cyllene would not hear it. Diseases can lead to death if not treated well and she could be damned if you took this fate

So there you were wrestling on your futon bored, feeling like shit, tapping the screen of your arc phone home trying to see if Arceus still left any of its old apps or at least some internet connection.

The door to your house jiggles before sliding open. Volo ducks he's helping your door slamming his massive backpack down to the side.

He shuffles in his backpack taking out various powders and oils. Oh no. This is what you were afraid of. Back in your time at least they made medicine tasteless or candy-coated. But with the powdery medicine hisui has no safeguard for the bitter taste. And not to mention your relationship right now with Volo is um... Complicated?

"Volo, I didn't ask for help" you coughed clearing your throat afterward. " im not helping you... I'm testing out new medicines that are going on sale soon as well as Cogita's home remedies. Your Galaxy grunts told me that you were dying so I came to use you as a test subject" he's smirked.

You tried to get up wanting to yell at him but nothing but coughing came from your throat. Volo's smirk fades immediately " hey, hey, hey! Take it easy. Come on, lay back down, Save your strength"

Yeah testing medicine my ass. But you didn't press on it further.

You watch as Volo takes a glass of water to pour and mix a powdery medicine. You couldn't help but feel warm inside knowing that Volo still cares about you. Even after what happened.

He sits the cup down next to you. "Here try this one." His voice was softer than before "it's an old Celestic medicine, it helps soothe the throat. I'm warning you now it tastes very bitter so drink it fast." You nod preparing yourself mentally before downing the whole cup. To your surprise, your throat feels less inflamed.

He stayed with you the entire day trying to out medicine. Leaving only to come back with food "you need to eat." He says getting more agitated "please, you need to regain your strength" ugh he's starting to sound like your mom now.

By the end of the day, you're exhausted drifting off into sleep. Volo can't help but smile at your sleeping form deciding to stay just a little bit longer. Not like he was planning on leaving when you're still sick.

#pokemon legends #volo legends arceus #volo x reader #pla volo

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afterartist · 9 months

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Genuine question as someone who is actually mentally ill (and queer, unlabelled): i agree with everything u said in ur post ab labels why would u call something as disgusting as pedophilia a mental illness??

mental illnesses are debilitating, often chronic disabilities/conditions. they are not dirty and are nothing to be ashamed of. p3dophiles arent necessary p3dophiles bc theyre mentally ill, theyre just disgusting people. not being accusatory necessarily but why would u say that? real innocent ppl with mental illness dont deserve to be compared to that, unless there is a legit classification?? im not sure so yeah just wondering

TW: Paedophilia

Great question!! Thank you for asking,

Before anything, I agree, I worded that poorly and could have done a better job at explaining myself in that post,

I would also like to clarify that I myself have been diagnosed with a mental illness, as it being a Cluster B disorder I’m unfortunately used to my disorder being Vilified, so I understand how seeing me compare abhorrent actions to a mental disorder can be distressing,

However!

Peadophilic Disorder is an actual mental disorder that can be found in the DSM-5

It’s a psychiatric disorder, tho I will note Paedophilic actions and Paediphilia disorder can be classified as different things as it’s possible to hold those same sexual fantasies without ticking all the categories required for diagnosis.

But, using its status as a mental disorder is an abhorrent thing to do in of itself, as someone who is working very hard to overcome my own disorder, you should never blame actions that cause others, especially children, harm on a disorder without doing anything to remedy it, instead reach out for help, from a therapist, psychologist or even a doctor

I would also recommend you do your own research, as I don’t have or know anyone personally who was diagnosed with this disorder, thus I’m not the best source of information, if you can I suggest checking out the DSM-5 or even just a basic wiki search

Most importantly though, stay safe when searching this up

#tw pedophila mention #don’t forget to do your own research #always double check the information you’re given

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blissfullybloomed · 10 months

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Holistic Healing

Let's start with some simple definitions for both of these words.

Holistic ( in regard to medicine): Characterized by the treatment of the WHOLE person, taking into account MENTAL and SOCIAL factors, rather than just the SYMPTOMS of the illness. It stems from the old English word holism( 1920s).

Healing ( in regard to person) : The process of making or becoming sound or healthy again, and to make free from injury or disease. To make well again, and return to the earth.

Great! Now what?! HOW does one Holistically Heal themselves? How would one even know if they NEED to do some holistic healing? That's where we start today. Being self aware.

I'd like to present a few questions for you to internally answer:

What are YOUR hobbies? Not your friends, not your spouse, not your co workers…YOURS?

Who are YOU? What do you stand for? Again….not your friends, spouse or co-workers.

What foods do you truly enjoy?

What music do you listen to on a daily basis?

Could you answer them? If you could- that's great! You've got a head start on everyone else- Congrats on finding yourself. If you couldn't answer them…let's work on that together.

I believe the first and most crucial step in becoming holistically healed is to know your true self. Can you introduce yourself without saying you “belong” to someone. Example: Hi, my name is Victoria, I'm the sister of…Im the wife of ...Im the business partner of ... .NO! Stop the madness… YOU are good enough as you already are- let that soak in. You don't need to validate yourself in a work title, you don't have to be someone’s anything. You're enough as you are.

I have personal experience( look ma, I learned how to spell- AKA…spell check) with the above introducing struggles.

Now, don't get it twisted..I am in no way stating that you shouldnt be proud to be someone's wife, husband, co-worker…etc, I'm simply stating that it's okay to be your own self. There's bliss in solitude.

Moving on…, How do you find out who you are? How do you find out what food you truly enjoy? How do you change the repeated monotony of your life? That's what it is…repeating the same thing. You're comfortable there…it's ok, I used to be too. There's safety in the known, and fear in the unknown. Overcoming fear…that's a whole other blog…I'm still working on that one honestly.

So….I've rambled enough…Get to know yourself.

That's how you holistically heal. Holistic medicine is all about utilizing what your body already has inside of it from a hormone/chemical level and using natural remedies(plants from the earth) to aid in health. It’s not a toxic pill made in a factory at an enormously high dollar amount. It's not a drug induced drink (Coca-cola…cocaine…) made in mass at a low dollar amount to produce the happy hormone for a fleeting second. Now granted, McDonalds Coke is literally to die for, and yes…I've drank them…)

Things to try instead of what you're doing now:

Ibuprofen( kills the liver)...Try Arnica Montana instead.

Ora-gel(destroys your gums)....Try Clove - It takes the pain away instantly.

Any inflammation…..Turmeric/Mushrooms.

Anxiety…..Kava/Ashwagandha

Try new things, eat new food, hangout with new people, get a new job, write a blog(HA), do something physical , challenge yourself, go disc-golfing on your damn motorcycle( I'm so proud of you), do whatever you want...but don't be afraid to try new things. You're doing yourself a disservice if you don't. You already knew that though because you are smart. You are beautiful. You are sexy. You are fierce. You are incredibly loud. You are impatient. You are colorful. You are… You are enough.

Frolic the fields.

#holistichealth #holisticwellness #growth

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brainrunbygoblin · 2 years

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I'll blow up into smithereens,

and spew my tiny symphony

all up and down the city streets

while trying to put my mind at ease

like finishing this melody

it feels like a necessity

so this may be the death of me

or maybe just a better me

now come in with the timpani's

and take a shot of Hennessy

I know im not there mentally

but you could be the remedy!

so let my play my violin for

you

#in a Worlds Smallest Violin by AJR mood #Worlds Smallest Violin #ajr songs #AJR

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hcmxra · 1 year

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"..."

"You can't eat what you don't have."

#☾ ✩ i know im not there mentally ; but you could be the remedy ☽ dash commentary #Zenitsu shuT THE FUCK UP you dont have rizz either #☾ ✩ muse ☽ zenitsu

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dirtgoth · 10 days

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like when something hurts in a way that you didn't expect to feel at all, like im having too much of a surge of emotion to even be able to sleep right now and my self fulfilling prophecy of being too much for people is probably coming true again but at least that means it's all going to be over and i can stop putting myself through this. sometimes i don't know how to protect myself, getting pushed to sleep on the couch feels like a raw electric current through my heart, like when i touched the electric fence with a mental pole on accident as a kid, just a shock i didn't expect to feel, that's going to stop me falling asleep. i guess i just never want it to be goodbye. but it really feels like they've wadded everything up into a tiny ball, death by a thousand cuts over and over and i don't have to keep doing it.

i don't need to know the other half. honestly i don't get to. that's the part that hurts so bad. but im left here holding something that i don't think i ever asked for anyway, and i could cry but its caught in my throat.

this isn't my home and i don't think it ever felt like it. nowhere has felt like home for years it seems, i wasn't expecting this to be it either, not right now, not this soon. but sometime something will have to come that i can stick with, right, i don't know.

let some tears like letting blood, and my eyes burn. i want to be tired enough to sleep. i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. that's no different from any other day though. i guess i know the sun will rise and i'll carry myself through.

i need to make a home within myself so that way i'm always there. im trying to.

im in a lot of pain, i've been in a lot of pain for months and months, i've carried it under different names, there's not a remedy for it here. there might not be a remedy at all, searching for one might be what's causing me all this pain in the first place.

maybe im fine.

im exhausted i know. i feel like i do a lot to show up for people and to be a kind person because that how i want the world to be but recently it's felt like it gets taken and disregarded and unreplenished, and i really don't know how im going to carry on with this after tomorrow.

maybe i just won't

i hate a goodbye, i hate silence, there is no easy ending. but they know that i cared and they set it up to be this way and i know they feel bad, and maybe it's my turn to be selfish. i don't like that taking care of myself feels selfish. i cant tell the difference.

every person ive ever wanted to love as a partner is gone and i guess it ends up that way for a lot of people, im not the only one. i wish i could accept it without feeling it.

but i have to feel it to keep moving forward. i was so sure there'd be an ending with no pain, but now things have switched so much from the way they were at the start, i let things spiral. i don't know when something will work

i don't trust that i'll know what it feels like.

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odetoagirl · 2 months

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Dear Charlotte Perkins Gilman

is this good for me or bad for me, i cant tell. i feel productive, surely its better than rotting my brain away with concsuming short form media, this certainly requires active thought and prologonged attention, perhaps it is can e considered cretaive or medatative? at least i am creating rather than consuming for once. i can write for longer and longer periods of time, i have more inspiration and ideas, and more to say about those ideas, and perhaps i am improving my expression; although that i am certainly the least sure of. but i cant help feeling as though i might just be consuming my own tail, walking in circles, consuming myself, turning over and over, on the same things. it is neurotic and pathological.

im not intaking any new information, all i can see is all i already know, it is not learning in my usual way. maybe thats okay, could it be considered self reflection? perhaps philosophising or at the very least the development of my writing technique - i do search for the right word and look things up, which is better than nothing. i sort of think all this writing is akin to exercise, which i certainly do not do, but something whispers to me that i am becoming the mad woman in the attic who simply endlessly repeats herself, who cannot escape the fate she predicts of herself.

that is what this is, actually, it is running, it is exercise, round the same grand track endlessly, technique does improve, but slowly and little for lack of outsider critique, indeed you can go for longer and faster each time, but regardless round the track you go and waste away, does the track eat you or do you eat yourself as you continue you onwards, around again. never do you show anyone or compete or compare, you just run, alone, for it is the only thing that quiets your mind and stirs you. you might find when you stop to do something else, that you can do it a little better, but the thought that you must return to the track bleeds internally within you until you do. you used to go weeks without running, now it seems mere hours might drive you to gnawing madness.

so certainly what is it then one ought to do that i should do? ive trapped myself in a cycle of needing to relieve the mental pressure from writing, which certainly is not perfect, but rather a good coping mechanism when considering the alternatives. and too it seems writing is perhaps the only real thing that gives me purpose and joy and i feel motivated to do that cannot just be attributed to a cheap dopamine rush. i really actually enjoy purely for the sake of it, which im not sure i can say for any other single thing. it is not profitable, true, and i limit my own progression by keeping it private, but indeed it is better not to start here and hope to progress? to write in almost privacy here, where i can gain confidence and build the muscles so they might be lean and strong and gain stamina. if i write like this i can one day hope to have the confidence to do something with it, and i keep it all recorded, rather than thinking and being too fearful to write, which certainly might not ever produce any effects at all. i can certainly see that my attention span and concentration is starting to improve even if so very little, my inattentiveness has been snowballing for almost a decade, and this seems to be the only thing to have ever, if only slightly, offered some relief, some remedy. i am beginning to turn away from distraction as tempted by the thought to write, even as i type now my eyes are prickling with tears, i am realising right now with every word, is this what it is to feel, to want? i have to remind myself not to indulge in melodramatic fantasy, i long so badly to want something real that i must not mistake that for the want itself. still, i am putting the pieces together. 1. writing, especially in this way, anonymously, has no clear point or direct benefit in any tangible way. 2. i turn away from easier activities that do provide instant cheap pleasure and direct benefit to write. 3. i have done it for many years. 4. i continue to do it regardless of its fruitfulness, and in spite of the fact that it takes time and work and attention. 5. it makes me feel lighter, peaceful and free. 6. at the very least, even if it goes nowhere, i want to write. let me stop and check that i am not lying to myself right now, not simply caught up in a fictionalised wonder for the sake of it.

'is this what you want? do you want to write?'

'i dont know, surely if i did i would know by now, like know instinctively or at least feel inclined to say yes when you ask me'

'well why the fuck else would you do it?'

'i dont know'

'you have to stop reinforcing this rhetoric that everything you want or think or feel will come naturally to you, it wont, its okay, youre not that person - maybe you could be - but right now you exist under piles and piles of repression, self hatred and restraint, you will have to start to learn how to recognise things about yourself beyond intuition. you must have wants and desires and loves, but for you in this lifetime it will rarely be as simple as a following of your heart, it cannot guide you as it does most, it is far too armoured for that. instead, we look for other options, we learn to explore, and can do other things, like observe your behaviours so that you may come to realise how you feel. you have fought every instinct within your body so fiercely your mind really has won out over it; a difficult thing to do. your soul has forgotten how to tell you what it likes and wants, and so now we have to be hyper vigilant and watch where it still learns to slip through the cracks. your thirst for external knowledge is so insatiable because you know nothing of your subconscious. you turn over and over the same things here, swimming and searching through your own ego and conscious, finding only the same logic and patterns again and again, because your subconscious remains totally inaccessible to you. you have buried your soul in shame so deeply that you totally lack a part of yourself that you will not find by sifting through what you already know and arent afraid of. up to this point, the only other desire you had discovered was for women, which took so many years of discovery, despite your body screaming the signs - which you chose to rather actively ignore. regardless well done with that, even though its still hard, its the only desire you knew for a very very long time. and now, maybe we might add writing to the list. it doesnt have to last, or be in any sort of serious academic pursuit, you dont have to show anyone or profit from it. but learn to say that you like it, that it drives you, that you care about it, that you want it, that being better matters to you. you can be wrong, it doesnt need to mean forever, even if it makes you sick, just say it right now like you mean it. why dont you just try'

'i want to be a writer'

'okay now actually say it'

i want to be a writer.

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trickstarbrave · 4 months

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herbal remedy update bc i cannot go on BC (hormonal birth control gives me like. "sent to the hospital" panic attacks. fsr. no we dont know why):

so far its been going alright. i am still not sleeping without my specific herbal sleep remedy. which sucks bc i really Dont Like Passionflower but it is what it is.

as for the others:

>temperature when im sleeping is still weird. i get weirdly hot which could be "this bedroom sucks" or smth else. one day i woke up feeling feverish and asked for the heater to be turned off and it wasnt even on. ITS WINTER. but it has improved slightly. maybe bc its actually freezing cold outside. maybe the herbs are working. idk.

>i am no longer ravenously hunger despite having just eaten. i still get hungry but like. my normal amount. i get munchies when high but i no longer feel the need to consume 1000 calories before i pass out. which is good.

>still low energy but it is winter and i am disabled. it is what it is.

>still excess body hair which is a problem bc i pick at it. i might just try waxing to get the places i pick the most removed

>have still been on the upswing mentally which is good. haven't gone into hypomania but i haven't fallen back into depression. which is good bc i do not know what the FUCK was up with the last depressive episode.

>still have tummy troubles if i eat high fat foods when i am lazy. trying to find a way to balance that in my diet tbh. im disabled so making food is quite difficult some days and multiple steps means i just will not eat, order food, or put smth in the microwave. trying to find low fat options for quick foods bc its annoying (this is bc my gallbladder was removed you dont need to eat low fat unless there is a dietary restriction) but they usually taste like ass.

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floradewdrop · 5 months

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personal - dec 30, 23

i’ve legit stopped reaching out to anyone bc i have to schedule time two weeks or a month in advance

this isn’t to say they’re shit or doing a bad job, like fuck that they’re great friends, it’s not their fault. i just need to make that clear before i proceed for myself _ it’s just capitalism and what it takes from us. if you read this u know who u r, i promise i love u and it’s not about you or anything. i’m just pissed at y’all having to be slaves to working until you die.

but unfortunately with my mental illnesses, my isolation and insecurity has be believing , i truly don’t feel anyone wants to drop things for me anymore, and that sounds so selfish and petty and i suppose it is. but then when i think about how much i want to reach out and just ask for physical support it has to be scheduled. emotional support can only go so far and it’s starting to suck more and more that i’ve literally just stopped looking at my phone bc it makes me so sad that id really love a supportive community to be there for me but it isn’t like i need, and im so selfish for saying that i hate it. i hate that i doubt this delusional shit in my head i just wish my brain could be like,,, chill about something suddenly happening without thinking the world is going to end, what im going to do, how do i reshape my life around this

but then my therapists tell me it’s natural to want that and to be desperate for it when i’m lonely like this, to validate the suffering because it’s real and happening even if it’s to none of my friends’ direct fault,

but then i also don’t have family to lean on.

my reach of contact is one of my therapists and it helps a lil bit it’s just a text and nothing personal like a friend can say or offer, so i ask friends for good vibes, but i feel so crap about myself i think they think im such a nuisance bc i need to much support and that i ask too much of them

i got ghosted this past week asking for physical support after they offered it and i got ghosted - it was a communication error that they didn’t get my text (even though it says delivered) and they were the last friend i though could offer some physical support bc they live closer , even tho it was a miscommunication it still sucks to be waiting around on my phone all day waiting for them to keep their word and didn’t

i’m really glad my therapists are upping my care this coming year, because i’m unfortunately too incapable / disabled to lead a capitalist life. you’d think it would be super cool but when i can’t even get two days in a row to be consistent enough over a decade now but it’s actually fucking not - to live disabled is to live in constant pain and just fucking doubt in myself of ever leading a life that isn’t servitude to my parents or gvnt for money, but that struggle isn’t too different from the average american anyways, disability or not, it’s just shit here.

i can’t believe it’s been a fucking decade and i’m still living day to day mentally and have lost more “friends” in my life than have gained in support and im still crippled by the tiniest infractions in my day.

fucking everything i’m diagnosed with, just fuck them all. i know capitalism sucks, but i don’t think some ppl realize how desperately i wish i could at least get my own job to pay my own life’s way, but i cant. (maybe one day? but a long time from now)

i can’t believe i’m in my 30s and having to have my therapists talk privately to my parents on what’s going on and their future plan for me (to which i’m expecting a catastrophic response tbqh)

i am glad i’m not at a point in my life where SH or sui*de are not part of my daily rotation, so i know growth has been made, so it’s a weird feeling to know i’ll survive but also sucks that i’ll survive bc life is hard. apart from social neglect and isolation those are things that can be remedied, i think over time,

BUT BOY DOES IT FUCKING SUCK IN THE MOMENT LIKE THIS MOMENT JFC IT SUCKS I WANNA SUCK JOY OUT OF EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANNA SCREAM AND CRY

it’s honestly stemmed from my family’s decision to not give a fuck about me around my bday this past year, and just cascaded into everything else while they continued to compact more stress and, unfortunately, burned my bridge completely for them this year and for the foreseeable future. to have the best xmas i’ve ever had last year full of support and wonder, to this year full rejection of who i am (which is why i spent xmas alone )

but i truly wish i was invited out to things and holidays to be included, but can’t be a burden bc how dare i think anyone should include me, so i decline because im not worthy.

my therapists say if things get the green from my parents come next month then things will be changing in my care and i so hope and wish for that to happen. they’ve been every stumbling block so i’m not hoping too highly unu

i watched a small like q&a with some furries (i know how it sounds) but honestly im not into a full suit but i’ve always loved fox ears and tail, thanks to gaia, and their community seems so welcoming and supportive. i don’t know anything about that world except most media and a few good words here and there but after this vid i watched im gonna do more research. i know this sounds harsh, but bc of the internet i didn’t really know that its not as sexual as the internet makes it, they just like to have fun and dress up and escape , like dnd. honestly the first time in months ive felt excited about maybe joining a new community, and although i feel cringe for the fandom, educating myself was important to get the misinformation out of the way for me to be like “oh, yeah i just think it’s cute! im not attracted to any furries or animals, but i think its fun and cute to play and cosplay!” always have, so i guess its me getting over my embarrassment of it idk - ppl just really wanna have fun and be silly and make others happy, even if its a costume like an animal. its creative af tbh,

all that to say i’m lonely now and it hurts so bad right now. i don’t even want a SO lmfao, i’m far from wanting anything like that, but just more friends who have more time. i honestly don’t even think it’s possible in america bc of our work grind culture, but i have to hope that over time maybe it gets easier on everyone idk

i’m just hoping and wanting friends and social interaction a lot and my disabilities are such a catalyst for it

jffiekgirorogorofogk it’s 3AM shit post man i haven’t shit post or blog posted on here in years like this , feels good. feels right. all my dirty laundry on the most worst trusted social media platform that somehow never sinks. LMFAO

wow i’m really fucking autistic LMFAO just thinking about how much this also reflects poorly on my routine habits and trying to gain stability in that, when it doesn’t happen my day is just gone and i’m in a brain fog of not understanding and trying to figure out social queues and if i did something wrong

okay, i feel a bit better. good vent session meggie LOL okay time to try to sleep and wind down i hope - even though im amped on ptsd dreams and avoiding sleep to not wake up 3 times having to change sweaty clothes

tomorrow,,, i buy something nice for myself. maybe a crystal.

#depressed shit #late night personal junk #huge emotional dump for me #it’s cathartic honestly #no one has to read but me so keep scrolling if ya want my good besties

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v0idtalking · 11 months

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July 6th, 2023

So this time it isn't the worst thing, I'm just on my period and my heart hurts with yearning so much yearning I'm near tears.

I don't have very fulfilling friendships in fact I have few general relationships at all so I really should not entertain thoughts about romance and I usually don't and can distract myself. This is why I try to interact with sapphic media in moderation bc when I consume too much it consumes me.

I want what they have so bad I'm so lonely I just want a girl I want a girl. I'm open to those of multiple identities but generally just Christ a girl any girl before its too late. I wish I loved someone and they loved me and we could be together in all the ways you can be with someone.

I couldn't even have it if I wanted to and it was attainable bc of my circumstances I'm not getting into. I've accepted I won't get to live like a 20-something until I'm a 30-something and that's fine it's never too late. sure there's some resentment and frustration but i understand the reasons behind this and it's under control and im individual and introverted by nature so im typically fine. but sometimes im just so overcome.

my peers get to interact and explore and be with each other. I know maybe i can have that eventually years down the line. but right now it hurts and seeing depictions of whats been denied to me and will be denied for a while is really fucking hard. its a silly goofy wah-wah problem, whatever, but it hurts me and is pretty unique to me and has ramifications nonetheless. It's just fucking tough.

I know im not a chance taker and im not a flirt or initiator but the fact that even if i wanted to try i cant and even if people might want me i cant. I cant say anything else except its tough and its unfair. i dont care if that sounds juvenile. it is unfair. and stop. I was raised to think this would be the height of my life and my time to have fun and connections and not be lonely but im the loneliest ive ever been.

it couldnt be predicted and its not anyones fault per se. I just wish I would have done more with my earlier youth now that im so unchangingly stuck with no ability to unstick myself and my family. it does a lot to you mentally. i won't pretend it doesn't or downplay it bc im sick of coping that way. distraction is one thing, denial is another. I guess these are all interconnecting problems.

Its tough, it hurts, I wish I had someone or anyone, etc. Long, long sigh.

Maybe it'll change in the next 3 years. Look, I can even go 5 years. I can do that. Im a stubborn fuck, I can do it. One day one day one day. Just keep going. It'll hurt forever but one day it'll hurt less and there'll be some remedies. All is not lost. I will be okay.

It hurts; i'll be okay. 2 notions side by side.

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shads-shipposts · 1 year

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Cards and Comfort: Anachronism Snapshot

Admittedly, my fic Anachronism is a big ol' mess. Truly, it is in shambles (just like my mental state). However, some scenes are relatively put together. Such as this one that I wrote back in late 2020 during a depressive episode. Other than some very minor tweaking, this hasn't really been touched. But I want to post something with the KaraCrew, and thus y'all get this lovely little thing. It isn't much, only 1.3k words, but there is a truly abysmal lack of KaraCrew content that isn't tied to Tintin, so this is my remedy. A self indulgent comfort fic staring my oc Shadow and sailors Neil, Hobbs, Geitch, and Eckhart (pilot in brown clothes). As Anachronism takes place before my Clone Wars series, Shadow is 19 here. For obvious reasons, they don't sleep near the rest of the crew and usually crash in Tom or Allan's cabin since those two have their own rooms.

Enjoy~

CW: Language, depressive episode, worries of being a burden.

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Halting just shy of the open doorway, I swallowed hard. What if they got mad? What if they sent me away? What if they let me in but were passive aggressive about it? Hell, that last one would be even worse.

But it would be even worse to sit in Tom’s cabin alone, thoughts spiraling out of control.

I’d just have to take the risk.

Stepping into the doorway to the rec room, I blinked against the light and scanned the room to see who was there. Eckhart, Geitch, Neil, and Hobbs. At least it was two of my favorite sailors aside from Tom.

It took them a while to notice me, but Eckhart’s eyes finally raised and the man did a small double take. “Kid? Thought you were asleep?”

At his comment, Neil and Hobbs twisted in their chairs to face me.

“Hey, Shortie. Whatcha doin’ wanderin’ ‘round this late?” Neil asked.

“Couldn’t sleep,” I said with a shrug, arms wrapped around myself as I braced against the rolling of the ship.

“Kevin botherin’ ya? I’ll send ‘im off if ya need me to,” Neil offered.

I shook my head. “Ain’t that. Just restless. Y’all mind if I sit in and watch?” I asked tiredly.

They glanced at each other and I worried they would refuse. Well… guess if they did the top of the wheelhouse was an option.

“Nah, c’mon ov’r ‘ere,” Hobbs said, jerking his head at the seat between him and Neil.

My shoulders sagged in relief. “Thanks, you won’t even know I’m here,” I assured them, walking over and sliding into the seat between the two men. Taking care not to brush any of them, I slowly exhaled. Best not to draw any more attention to myself than I already had.

The card game continued on, but I could tell they were occasionally glancing at me. Well, good thing I couldn’t really feel worse than I currently did.

Neil bumped my elbow and I moved it to give him more space. Surely I wasn’t taking up that much room. Compared to the AB I was pretty damn small. He called me “Shortie” for a reason.

He did it again, but moved slower and didn’t so much bump my elbow as nudge it. Beneath the numbness and crushing exhaustion, curiosity sparked. What was this man up to?

When his elbow brushed mine again, I left it there. He pressed his against mine but continued on with the game. His skin was quite warm, and despite the small area of contact, the touch sent a feeling of ease through me and slowly forced the tension out of my shoulders. A strong leg pressed against mine, further driving away the agonizing emptiness. Releasing a long breath once more, I shifted closer to the man. I waited, tense, for him to move away but he stayed where he was. Giving a mental ‘fuck it’, I leaned against him.

The men must have been subtly watching, because they immediately commented on my unusual behavior.

“Hey kid, what’s eatin’ ya?” Geitch asked from across the table.

It took some effort, but I managed to raise my eyes to his. “Eh, I’ll be fine in a few.”

“Wasn’t the question,” Eckhart remarked, raising an eyebrow.

“Aye, somethin’s buggin’ ya,” Hobbs added, twisting in his chair to look at me while still hiding his cards from Eckhart.

I dropped my eyes. “Nothin’s wrong.”

“Bullshit.” Neil nudged me with his leg. “You don’t mope like this.”

I shook my head. “Y’all don’t get it. Literally nothing is wrong. My brain just… malfunctions at times.”

“Malfunctions?”

“We got a happy chemical our brain is supposed to produce. Sometimes my brain says ‘Fuck you, chemical machine broke’ and quits on me for an hour or two. It’s jacked enough already, but it can get really bad,” I managed.

“Sounds like hell,” Geitch commented.

I huffed. “No shit, man. Fuckin’ sucks ass and swallows.”

The men chuckled. “Least you keep your foul mouth,” Hobbs teased, punching my arm.

“Oh, that gets worse durin’ this.”

“Good outlet,” Eckhart laughed.

“Guess it can be,” I shrugged, before sighing and dropping my eyes to the table again.

The weak reply seemed to sober the men a little.

“Should we get Tom?” Geitch asked, shifting to get out of his seat.

“No!” I yelped, panic spreading across my face. “Last thing I need is to burden more people with this.”

My fearful response only got them more worried.

“You clearly aren’t doin’ good, kid,” Neil pointed out. “Wouldn’t Tom help?”

“He’s on duty right now. I’m not botherin’ him,” I stressed, shaking my head. “Just… can you get back to the card game? I’d have stayed away if I knew I’d bother y’all this much.”

They exchanged glances with each other.

Shit, I knew I was bothering them! I shifted and went to slide out of the seat to leave them alone, but Neil’s heavy arm across my back and shoulders pushed me back down into the seat.

“Ya aren’t botherin’ no one,” he growled. “Said ya can stay, so sit.”

I held his gaze for a moment before settling back into the chair. “If you’re sure.”

“Wouldn’t say it if we weren’t,” Hobbs remarked, shifting back to face the others at the table.

“Y’all ain’t the type to hold your tongues on anythin’ that’s for sure,” I huffed, salt forming a crack in the prison wall.

Neil squeezed my shoulder. “Right.”

I expected him to remove his arm to continue the game, but the heavy limb stayed where it was, fingers tapping absentmindedly to the faint music playing over the radio.

Slowly exhaling once more, I hesitated before shifting so my side rested against his. The faint rhythm of the radio coupled with the creaking and rolling of the ship coaxed me further and further towards sleep again.

But would I be safe sleeping around them? They were sailors after all. Even if I was fairly close now with Neil and Hobbs, and none of these men in particular had done anything sketchy, I just couldn’t be 100% sure. Could pretend to be asleep and see how they react.

Closing my eyes, I waited a few moments before letting my head roll to the side against Neil.

“They fall asleep?” Neil asked.

“Not so loud, idiot, you’ll wake ‘em up,” Hobbs hissed.

“What do we do?” Geitch asked. “Carry ‘em back to Tom’s cabin?”

“That would also wake them up,” Eckhart pointed out.

“I’m comfortable, just leave ‘em and let ‘em sleep,” Neil said, pulling me closer to him.

“Softie,” Hobbs teased.

“Am not.”

“Look atcha, lettin’ the kid sleep on ya.”

Neil snorted. “You’d do the same.”

“They’re kinda cute when they’re asleep and not threatenin’ us with violence,” Geitch commented with a short laugh.

“Hey, they’re nineteen,” Neil growled. “You’re thirty two. Back off.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, cockhead,” Geitch shot back. “You know I see ‘em as a sibling, same as you! Didn’t mean anything weird by it!”

“Hope not,” Eckhart said. “They’re not asleep. Saw them twitch at your comment.”

The men were quiet before Hobbs ventured, “Kid? You sleepin’ or not?”

“I’m tryin’ if that’s any consolation,” I muttered.

“Figured ya passed out since you’re pressed against me like this and ya aren’t cuddly awake,” Neil said, adjusting his arm.

“Just go back to the game and let me doze. Warmth and pressure helps keep the sad at bay,” I mumbled. “And I do like hugs, thank you very little. I just don’t know the vibe for them within this hotbed of masculinity.”

As Eckhart snorted in amusement, Hobbs asked, “Can ya even sleep with us talkin’?”

“Right now no. So start gamin’,” I huffed.

“Sir yes sir,” he chuckled.

I rolled my eyes. “Smartass,” I muttered, situating myself again. Exhaling slowly, I closed my eyes and let the low music, swaying of the ship, muted voices, and warmth and weight of Neil’s arm lull me back to sleep.

I just hoped Tom wouldn’t freak when he got back to the cabin and I wasn’t there.

#karaboudjan #writing #Anachronism #tom karaboudjan #neil karaboudjan #hobbs karaboudjan #geitch karaboudjan #eckhart karaboudjan #tintin 2011

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sirompp · 2 years

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ILL BLOW UP INTO SMITHEREENS AND SPEW MY TINY SYMPHONY ALL UP AND DOWN THE CITY STREET WHILE TRYNA PUT MY MIND AT EASE LIKE FINISHING THIS MELODY THIS FEELS LIKE A NECESSITY SO THIS COULD BE THE DEATH OF ME OR MAYBE JUST A BETTER ME NOW COME IN WITH THE TYMPANI'S AND TAKE A SHOT OF HENNESSY I KNOW IM NOT THERE MENTALLY BUT YOU COULD BE THE REMEDY SO LET. ME. PLAY. MY. VI.O.LIN. FOR. YOU

/lyr

#i keep doing this thing where i listen to 30 seconds of a song on loop for hours #so glad im autistic. cant imagine a world where this isnt something im capable of doing #anyway im obsessed with this song #these 30 seconds. specifically.#i dont even know whahohly shit hold on i just got the living daylghts scared out of me #i was jamming to the song while writing tags and then someone came in and said HELLO to me #anyway #i dont even know what the song is about its just a banger.#scratches SOMETHING in my brain

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