#i know i need to be kinder on myself but also i want to change but idk where or how to start | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gatheringbones · 6 months

Text

[“There is this idea that turning points are clean and complete, but while my body seemed to want more of these experiences with Jane, my mind remained wary and confused. It was like a tug of war: one minute, I would buck against the dildo Jane held in her hand and the next I would push it out of me. I’d hover above Jane, careful to keep from resting even an ounce of my weight on her and then I’d suddenly plop down on her lap and grind down on her like a pestle. I’d thrill as Jane’s eyes roamed across my body and then I’d hear myself say, “Stop looking at me.”

For so long, I had dismissed the parts of me that wanted to be an object of desire, telling myself that my worth lay in the pleasure I gave to other women. And while I had squirmed against the butch label, that was perhaps because I also saw how I much I hid behind the swaggery, masculine aspects of it to keep myself safe from rejection. When I was suddenly faced with a person who actually wanted the soft, vulnerable—dare I say feminine—parts of me, who made me feel fuckable, it took time for the old stories to sieve their way out of me. And they never did completely. But as we kept having sex I began to feel relief instead of fear in giving up control. I began to appreciate the space it afforded me to start paying attention to what made my body feel good and not just my partner’s. I also began to see how femininity and objectification held their own power. There is something so emboldening about holding a lover’s gaze, about allowing them inside the deepest parts of you. And even when you are “the bottom” there is a constant dance of consent and choice being navigated between you and your partner. Understanding this made me a better lover when I was topping too.

It is not as if being fucked with one big dick a few times made me comfortable with the fluidity of my gender and of my sexual desires, but as Jane and I continued to stretch each other’s boundaries inside of a monogamous, trusting relationship, and my adult friends embraced the sex we were having, I started to experiment with my body in other ways. I asked Jane to show me how to apply my own lipstick and eyeliner. I started wearing dresses and heels, first to fancy occasions and then, sometimes, just because. I stopped pretending I always knew what people were talking about and discovered the joy of learning what was on the other side of an admission of not knowing. Jane changed too. She bought ripped jeans and T-shirts. She cut her hair short. She became more assertive and direct, eventually coming out to her parents. Once Jane and I realized we could actually inhabit the things we were attracted to in the other person, that it wouldn’t compromise what was already there, we also became kinder to each other because we stopped needing the other person to be a certain way in order to feel complete.

After two years, Jane and I broke up. It was painful, not devastating. We hadn’t hidden or twisted our desires with each other, so when we couldn’t meet them, it didn’t feel like a rejection of who I was but rather an indication that we had simply changed as much as we could together, and whatever else we were changing into, we had to change with other people, and perhaps, more importantly, on our own.”]

amy gall, from my dick, your dick, our dick, from wanting: women writing about desire, 2023

#amy gall #lesbian literature #gender stuff #currently reading #saint vallous

129 notes · View notes

poetry-protest-pornography · 4 months

Text

Grief is a strange thing.

Someone really important to me died yesterday, and for me, mourning for him inevitably becomes mourning all the people I've ever lost, the pain just compounding until each loss feels magnified beyond comprehension.

Mourning him becomes mourning the actual loss, but also all the missed chances to connect, the plans we half made, the distance between now and the last time we spoke, and all the years that it's been since I got to hug him.

Mourning becomes guilt.

Of the three men I've ever thought about the potential of a future with, he was the second. We spent the majority of my mid to late teen years talking for hours several nights a week. We didn't officially date, but we were emotionally committed to each other, and for those years, there was no one else for either of us.

Eventually, the into-early-morning conversations were less frequent, and he met someone wonderful, and then I did, and we settled into the same easy friendship we’d always had, but relied on each other less and less, until we really only spoke a few times a year. And I never stopped loving him in all the time since, and I know he loved me, too, and it was the kind of love that sinks into you when you make space for someone, and let that space stay long enough that it carves into you but doesn't take anything away from you.

And so I'm hurting for that little piece of me that will always be shaped like hours long talks and years spent thinking maybe and him and the kind of friendship that starts and doesn't stop just because it changes, or because you take up less time in each other's lives.

And I'm hurting for his wife, who made him so happy, and his family who he loved even when it wasn't easy, and I'm hurting for him, who is gone and whose absence makes the world a little less beautiful.

And I'm morning a little for the friend I lost late last year, and my friend who was older than me but also my little brother who's yarzheit passed two months ago, and my grandfather, who's yarzheit just passed, and my father, who never really leaves my thoughts, and it's all happening at once, so I'm hurting for all the time between now and the last time I got to hug any of them, and all the plans we half made, and all the moments we missed out on connecting, and it's all so much to feel at once and still move through the world. And grief becomes guilt, and I'm so accustomed to feeling guilty that it all gets wrapped up around me in a way that's hard to distinguish from my base state of being, so it all lasts for so long.

Grief is a strange thing, and I'm writing this all out (fully crying in a waiting room) intending to ask for a little grace while I find my equilibrium, and for you to all be a little kinder to yourselves and to the people you love, and I'm realizing that these are things I can do, too. I can give myself grace while I figure out all these big feelings, and I can make sure that I tell the people I love that I love them, and I can try to have less missed chances to hug them.

These people who have left spaces in me didn't leave them empty, they're still there, and I know that they wouldn't want me to drown in this. I can do it for them, until I can do it for me. I can untangle all the overlapping hurts, I just need to give myself time and space to feel it first.

I'm sorry for the long ramble, I think I needed to put this somewhere as a reminder of sorts.

If you read this far, please take this hug I've got on hand.

#grief #mourning #self compassion

46 notes · View notes

tomorrowxtogether · 7 months

Text

SOOBIN: “It’s always been my goal for the other members to be happy”

TOMORROW X TOGETHER The Name Chapter: FREEFALL comeback interview

2023.10.23

SOOBIN, as always, speaks in a calm voice throughout. Whether he’s talking about the happiness that surrounds him, the challenges he faces, the pleasures of everyday life, or the major goals that guide the group, his voice is resolute but relaxed—spirited, but soft.

You kept talking about how you want to watch the new movie Concrete Utopia.

SOOBIN: I never ended up seeing it. It left theaters. (laughs) If someone in my friends’ group chat says, “There’s a movie I want to see,” then someone else asks who can go, and then anyone who can goes to see it. I’m really thankful to have friends who will come with me to see the movies I want to watch.

You took a trip with them recently, isn’t that right?

SOOBIN: I took an overnight trip with them to Gapyeong not that long ago. We had a cooking competition, then they asked me to teach them the dance for “Sugar Rush Ride.” So I showed them and then they spontaneously held a competition and asked me to be the judge. It was really fun and super cute. (laughs)

It sounds like your friends are very important to you.

SOOBIN: It’s fair to say they know me really well. They really love me and look out for me. Usually when they say something like, “Choi Soobin’s eating only this much? Something wrong?”—there really is something wrong. These days they’re so good at seeing through me. It’s almost annoying. (laughs) And if any of us goes too far, we apologize on the spot. And after we take a trip, we even say, I had such a great time thanks to you guys. You really made me happy. It’s always like that. I get carried away in that kind of environment which lets me say embarrassing things, and even though we bicker sometimes, it leads to self-improvement. I guess you could say I’ve become a kinder person overall and I’m capable of being a lot more open now. I really learned how to express myself.

I imagine that you get a lot of energy out of that whole process.

SOOBIN: I started going out way more this year. I was having a lot of personal doubts and feeling confused last year, so it wasn’t an easy time. So I went around looking for help, talked a lot to more experienced artists, and got some advice. I ended up getting really close to a lot of people. After that, I had more reasons to go out. It’s a refreshing change of pace from the same routine every day, so I really need that time these days.

How did you feel during the world tour? Judging by your vlogs from that time, it looks like you established your own little routine for after each concert.

SOOBIN: You hear from a lot of different artists that they sometimes feel empty when they get in after a concert. But not me. (laughs) After seeing all those people in big crowds, coming back, and having some alone time, it’s—I mean, that’s a really full day. I think it’s important to have time to be alone and reflect, and to enjoy your hobbies. I don’t really feel like I need to follow up something as special as a concert with something else exciting. I actually feel more comfortable just spending each day the way I’m used to spending it.

I’m surprised you cherish what’s already comfortable to you so much when you also want to try so many new activities.

SOOBIN: I guess you could say I have a personality like a flame. There’s so many things I want to do, but I also get tired of them pretty quickly. For a while I was learning swimming and boxing, then I had an interest in baking and thought about buying an oven, but I was over it quickly. I also bought a camera and then, after a month, never touched it again. (laughs) Anyway, I’m the kind of person who pretty much goes ahead and does things as soon as I want to do them. I never hesitate to start something and I’ll even skip sleep when I want to try something. I can’t stand when I don’t have a hobby to do. It’s tough for me if I can’t have a good time and break out of my routine with something new. I guess that explains my personality where I have to do whatever I want. I’m the kind of person who tries to enjoy what he wants when I want to because I never know when I might lose interest.

But you have far more endurance doing what you do than other people.

SOOBIN: I don’t think I could’ve put this much into any job other than this one. I can already see myself living a lazy life when I’m much older and retired (laughs) so I want to do everything I can while I can. There’s a lot of people who work to make us shine, especially in a line of work like this, so there’s no way I could just phone it in when they’re putting their all into it.

You must have devoted a lot of time and effort toward getting ready for this comeback. You mentioned several times on Weverse Live how excited you are for the new album.

SOOBIN: It’s about embracing and pushing your way through the pain and the hard times you come up against in the real world, so I felt like it’s something I can comprehend and express well. I was actually worried about the last album because I was nervous I wouldn’t be able to pull off the concept of the album, and that’s why I didn’t feel very confident. But the songs are a little bit more of an “easy listening” songs this time and the choreography’s fun, so I’m more confident this time. At first I thought the single “Chasing That Feeling” was basic, but after listening to it four or five times, I realized how catchy it was and started humming it to myself. It felt like the kind of song you’d never skip over in a playlist and one you can keep listening to over and over.

You also mentioned that the dance moves for “Chasing That Feeling” are more physically demanding than those for “Back for More” (TXT Ver.).

SOOBIN: Everyone would assume that “Back for More (TXT Ver.)” is more tough when you see it, but for me, “Chasing That Feeling” is actually more physically demanding. But I still love the choreography. I had so much fun with it when first learning it and I was full of excitement while dancing, but the dance coaches told me, “SOOBIN, you have to do this one with more tenderness. You’re too hyper right now. You need to tone down your emotions.” (laughs) We stretch our arms out really, really wide in the intro and do moves we’ve never done before, but it was a really good match for me and I had a lot of fun. I think the dance really captures that idea of following your passions and always pressing forward even when it’s sort of painful. I got to like the song more while practicing the choreography.

You said on Weverse Live that you have a favorite track off this album. Can you tell us which it is?

SOOBIN: It’s “Skipping Stones.” Singer-songwriter HANRORO wrote it, and I’m a big fan of her music. The song she gave us is so characteristic of her sound that it feels like a song she would’ve written for herself. I fell in love with it the very first time I heard it. It was fun getting to record a song of a style I listen to and sing all the time, which made the process laid-back. I like HANRORO’s music and voice, but I think it’s her all-Korean lyrics that are really beautiful. “The water that swallowed the scars will become calm someday / And it will have a wide embrace.” Time heals all wounds and I was so amazed how she managed to tie that in with the idea of skipping stones. It made me respect her even more.

You wrapped up your second world tour a little bit before the album came out. Did you enjoy yourself on tour? It seemed like you had a lot on your mind while trying to enjoy yourself on stage before that.

SOOBIN: I started to feel less nervous doing the world tour. Now I’m not even scared or nervous before a concert—I’m just excited. I think I’m more comfortable with it because I feel relaxed now. I’m still not totally loosened up, obviously (laughs) but I can’t force myself to be comfortable with everything. I’ll probably have to wait a little longer for that.

During the world tour, you also put on performances at major venues like Lollapalooza in Chicago and the MTV Video Music Awards.

SOOBIN: I was nervous for the VMAs for sure but it was still fun because there were a lot of people who have been superstars to me ever since I was young and it was amazing to see people with MOA light sticks even though it was an overseas awards show. It was so fun that I felt like I was dreaming. It was like, Am I even supposed to be here? I was extremely fortunate to be able to meet people like Bebe Rexha who were a major motivator for me. Moments like those feel like rewards for all the hard work I’ve put in and they’re a huge motivation. I’m very thankful and lucky.

It’s like you take that motivation and work hard to pay it forward to MOA.

SOOBIN: It’s even hard for me to grasp, for someone who used to be a fan myself. To me, it even feels like what fans are giving is just “pure love.” I was so amazed that they’re willing to come such a long distance for our concerts and you can see fans giving things to each other just because they all share a common interest. It’s not like the love between friends or between a couple—it’s something completely special that can’t ever be explained. I’ve been a fan before, too, but speaking as a singer, “the existence of fans is just pure love.” It’s amazing how unconditional their love can be.

It’s clear how much you love the fans when you talk to them on Weverse Live about somewhat sensitive subjects in a firm but kind manner.

SOOBIN: This is how I feel: Let’s all be gentle and share the love. That way, I can be closer with them and no one will be crossing any boundaries of what is acceptable. The reason I say that is, I’m trying to make it so that MOA and I can love each other more and without having to hold anything back. Sometimes I can ignore the uncomfortable stuff and just move on, but the reason I brought that up is because I wanted to make sure we don’t make each other feel uncomfortable and there’s no hard feelings. My point was to say, Let’s make sure we all feel comfortable, and let’s look out for one another and have nothing but love for each other. I try to be as gentle as possible when I say these things, of course.

You also referred to the other group members as “companions” last year in the video TXT Share House.

SOOBIN: We all went through a rough patch at one point last year together. I felt our companionship was particularly strong while we practiced for the year-end awards shows. We were having a lot of honest conversations about our innermost feelings. We weren’t in Korea that much at the time, so I think we relied on each other a lot.

I was surprised when I found out you get a bigger room during world tours because other members come see you. I thought you would want to have your own space.

SOOBIN: I’m not really bothered by them coming in. We each have our own rooms, but I’m actually thankful and feel good that they come to my room to talk to me because it makes me feel like they trust me and rely on me. And I get more excited and talkative than they do when they come in. (laughs) I’m happy when they come in and I always hope they do.

What do you tend to talk about in that situation?

SOOBIN: They mostly come to me when they’re facing some kind of difficulty, whether it’s personal or something related to the group, or when they just want to talk. And I’m usually the one who goes to the label as our representative when we want to propose an idea to them. But there were a lot of times on the most recent world tour where they came to me saying they wanted to hear what I had to say. “How are you feeling about the tour? No problems?” Stuff like that. I actually tend to keep any baggage to myself if sharing it isn’t going to solve anything. Sometimes the other members feel hurt by that though. (laughs) But I still usually unload when it’s something that can be solved together, of course. It’s not like I don’t like to talk. (laughs)

When YEONJUN and TAEHYUN were on SUCHWITA, they said that all the members agreed on one big goal for the group. Was it those conversations that led you to be able to agree on that goal?

SOOBIN: I’m not someone with any big goals—I just want to enjoy the small things in life. But we talked a lot last year about our members’ dreams, what makes us happy, and what our goals are. Not all five of us shared the same goals, but we got to talking about how some of us want to make it to the top of our field. So I thought, If that’s what makes you happy, and that’s your goal, then I’ll try my best for it, too—because it’s always been my goal for the other members to be happy. I figured, if that’s what will make them happiest, then I’ll work toward the same goal with them.

Why does the other members being happy make you happy?

SOOBIN: It’s not just them—my family, my friends, the staff … Nothing makes me happier than seeing them all happy. That’s why I hope our fans are happy, too. I think the people I care about being happy makes me really happy and is as important to me as my own happiness. At least for me.

Has your attitude toward work changed as the goals you’re focused on have shifted?

SOOBIN: I’m making a bigger, tangible effort. I feel like I’ve always done my best, right from when we debuted, but now it’s like I’m trying to be even better than my best. (laughs) I’m practicing harder, working harder when shooting—everything. I’ll work harder this year than last, and next year I’ll work even harder still.

But there will always be bumps along the road when working toward your goals. How do you keep yourself moving forward?

SOOBIN: It might not be the case for everyone in this field, but I think this work makes me really happy, way more than it brings me pain. I'm not the type to dwell on something painful for too long in the first place. It's not simple to get this much love and support, and the happiness it brings is too important for me to let go just because things get tough. It brings me so much joy that it's worth sticking with, no matter what I have to go through.

#txt #tomorrow x together #231023 #weverse magazine #soobin #choi soobin #weverse #the name chapter: freefall #freefall

61 notes · View notes

slashingdisneypasta · 2 months

Text

Okay I'm gonna rant about my mum now, cuz I need to. Don't read under the cut if you don't wanna be dumped on!

This woman-- oh my God. Can I just list some of the things that have hurt me or frustrated me?? Okay. Yeah. Let's do that.

Never comforting me (or my brother) when we were little and scared. We were scared of dogs, which was 'inconvenient' to her since it meant we couldn't go to parks. I would literally bite my nail and skin down until I bled when we did and she'd just get annoyed with me like I ruined the day. (Dad did the same thing but has since sincerely apologised. I'm very inclined to think that it was her influence entirely- she has never apologised and when i brought it up one time she laughed it off like i'm being silly)

Constantly makes me feel dependent. And that is the worst thing to be in her mind-- but she won't change her opinion of me that I am?? Like??? The most recent example of this is that I decided I wanted to go back to school (**I** decided)... and then she made the whole thing about her 'pushing' me to do it. Like it was so hard to get me on track. How the fuck did she get to that? This was my decision!! I brought it up first!!

Also on that 'dependent' thing- I am independent to a f a u l t now because of her. For example, I don't care if it's hailing outside with gail force winds, something in me feels disgusted with myself if I accept a ride home.

Oh, more on that dependent thing! I remember going to an evening job interview one time and it was dark when I got out. I thought I could get home on my own so I started walking... turns out it was the wrong direction and I ended up in a very bad area, at night, crying uncontrollably outside a 7-11. She still wouldn't come get me (she was at her boyfriends place) and sent me an uber. There was a random goddam lady getting petrol who was kinder to me, asking if I was okay and offering me a ride home.

A very similar thing happened when I was even younger, 14-16. I got myself stranded in a bushy area and had to walk my ass home- in 35 degree heat, without shoes (cuz mine were so worn out the soles killed), with no water, back to the motherfucking suburbs.

OH! Another thing about her. After she and my dad split up, you know what I noticed??? My brother, sister and I got along so much better when we were with our dad and so much *worse* with mum. You know why?? Cuz she nutures catty behaviour, which is probably why she can't get along with her sister's or her mum. She's always talking to us about eachother behind our backs (I know she talks to me and my sister about my brother, and I know she talks to me about my sister, so I assume she's doing the same with our brother), she gibes us ugly little Looks when one of the others does something she doesn't like and that we 'talked about', and she gives away secrets we told her in confidence??? Like recently my brother was really sad so I asked HIM (I asked *him*) what was up and he said it was nothing- so clearly he didn't wanna talk about it. That's fine. And mum piped up saying pointedly to me that he doesn't have to talk if he doesn't want to (True, mum, thanks. I know that)... before telling me his girlfriend broke up with him as soon as he left the room. She did the same thing the last time he had a break up. And then she's also telling me shit about my sister I k n o w she wouldn't want me to know. This is why I don't tell her anything anymore.

And, of course, the pitting us against eachother. Just today she and I had a little argument (argument on her side. I was actually trying my fucking hardest to keep my voice soft and figure out the problem), and my sister comes up to her to give her money for her belly button piercing today. Mum snaps at her, like 'Why do I have to carry that??'. My sister gets defensive, because she's a teenage girl and I mean??? Wouldn't you??? Then my mum 'apologised' by saying '*sigh* sorry, your sister was just snapping at me for no reason'.

And ohhhhh. The guilt tripping. Especially about not getting to move in with her 'love' (This dude, Mark, who works with her. Everyone including my dad and her mother, my grandma, are pretty damn sure she was cheating on my dad with him). She always tells me 'it's because of you that I can't live with him.'.

And the whole thing with Mark is wierd on general??! She got with this man while he was in the middle of a very terrible divorce with his ex wife, who was saying he abused her and their 2 kids. FIRST of fucking all, I understand innocent until proven guilty... but she seemed immediately sure that the e x w i f e was a liar and was manipulating their daughter (who, by the way, has some very deep issues) into saying he did stuff to her? I don't understand why the hell you would jump to that conclusion.

P l u s- she's always taking my sister (the youngest of us. It goes Me (22), then my Brother (20 in June), then Her (16)) on trips with Mark without even telling my Dad?? Surely Dad should have been notified and given Vito power in a situation like this!??

(Luckily I think Mark is actually indeed pretty harmless. But still, none of this is really okay even so)

Small thing, but she has never ever asked me about my writing. She doesn't give a fuck, though she knows it's my Biggest Thing.

Oh, another small thing that gets under my nails. Her thinking I'm so fucking Silly for liking things. And not the good kinda silly- like I'm so dumb and ridiculous for my interests. Like, I'm sorry?? I'm sorry you have no hobbies, you horrible little woman?? I don't need to be patronised cuz I find a little joy in something.

Ughhhhhh she always disapproved of my sister, brother or I ever thinking about us being 'american' at all. Which is??? So ridiculous?? We're not, but our Dad is, and maybe he wanted to share some of his culture, his home, with us??? He moved all the way to the other side of the globe to be with her and this is how she repays it??? We also don't really know our family on that side, we never got phone calls or anything. And I feel like my mum should have encouraged that. So should my Dad have, yes definitely (he's not perfect), but I have a feeling she never supported it. She doesn't even support us seeing her family.

Ohhhh my God. The cleaning. She goes into these hours long Outbursts where she has to clean e v e r y t h i n g in the house, and she's mad at us for letting it get untidy, and if she sees you you're in danger because she's gonna snap at you and make you feel terrible. I now go into the same state every now and then- though I just put my earplugs in and don't speak to anyone.

Ah. And the fat shaming. That's always fun 🙄😒 My sister is so skinny without trying, which is not her fault and good for her- but I have my grandma's hips and larger breasts (I know it's immature to go ha ha mum you're flat chested and I have tits but lool honestly it's cathartic), and that comes with a little belly and wider thighs. That doesn't mean I'm fat. I'm goddamn beautiful, shut up. And I'm tired of feeling terrible about how I look because of her.

... There's more, but I'm losing steam and just getting sad. So I think my job is done for now, thank you for listening.

24 notes · View notes

beegoould · 4 months

Text

Recently my therapist dropped something on me that is hard for me to wrap my head around. We’ve started talking through my issues with food and eating, and after a couple sessions she said “I think you may have a form of anorexia” And I’m like “You may not have noticed this but I weigh 250 pounds” and she was like “nah dog, you don’t have to be underweight to have it” and this made NO SENSE to me. And I said “I don’t have the willpower or the strength to be anorexic” which made me stop and think, and made her raise an eyebrow.

I realized in that moment that there had been times in my life when I was jealous of people with this devastating, potentially deadly illness. I felt like they had an ability I knew I would never have. And that’s a super fucked up way to think about it.

We talked through it and she told me that my periods of obsessive calorie counting, punishing myself for eating foods I felt were off limits, measuring things to the ounce, and thinking about food pretty much all the time was the issue. The first time she brought this up was when I told her I used to berate myself for eating something I shouldn’t have when I actually hadn’t eaten it, I’d just thought about eating it. Also when I was drinking too much I would plan my day around it, making sure I had an empty stomach and weighing what I drank on a kitchen scale. And I did research to find out what alcohol had the least calories with the highest abv.

So she tells me she thinks I have atypical anorexia. I still have the obsessive thoughts, but I don’t follow any self imposed restrictions. I still think about them, I just got too tired to keep following them. I still punish myself for eating “bad” foods.

We’re going to continue talking through this and navigate it, hopefully find ways to change some of my thoughts and behaviors. I’m still surprised at myself for my initial knee jerk response of thinking that it’s just like me to have this disorder but still be overweight. That’s not me anymore. I felt that way when I was a kid up to my 30’s, that being overweight made me useless and less than. I don’t feel that way now, but I guess it’s hardwired into my brain at a subconscious level.

To be clear, I have never had negative thoughts about people I knew or met who were overweight. They were different. I was the problem, no one else.

I wanted to share this because I’d never heard of it before, and while it’s not life changing to know this is a thing, it is helping me understand myself and some of my behaviors in a way that I haven’t before. It is also helping me be kinder to myself, at least a little.

I hope this post wasn’t upsetting or painful for anyone. This is just me sharing my experience and thoughts, I don’t know much about this topic and I’m probably shitty in a lot of ways as I’m writing about this since I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m sorry about that. I’m going to tag the fuck out of this.

Anyway. My wish for all of you is that you can be kind to yourself however you can in whatever way you need to be. ☀️☀️☀️

#cw eating problems #cw eating issues #cw eating mention #cw eating disorders #cw anorexia #cw food

29 notes · View notes

buffyspeak · 4 months

Text

one of my least favorite book-to-screen changes in thg is a really specific moment between gale and peeta, where peeta is expressing that they should kill him or at least give him something to do it himself with because he can’t control himself and will be a hindrance to the mission.

in the movie, gale says, “i’ll kill you myself before that happens,” in response to peeta saying he needs a nightlock pill so he can die when he needs to - aka, before he gets triggered and tried to kill katniss again. gale’s response in the movie is obviously and exclusively a confirmation that he will kill peeta if it means protecting katniss. which is true enough to his character, but i think fundamentally misinterprets the scene in mockinjay, the book.

in the book, while it’s true that he’s insistent for a while on them leaving him because he’s a danger, when it’s pointed out to him that people from the capital could find him, he is Terrified of that. he says something like, “maybe you think it’s kinder to just dump me somewhere, but that’s as good as leaving me in the hands of the capital.”

and gale’s response is, “i’ll kill you before that happens. i promise.”

and! in another story, in another world, maybe just in a different interaction in this world, this would maybe be a threat, but this is gale showing peeta a kindness! a morbid one, to be sure, but a kindness all the same. he knows what it is to prefer to die over being trapped in the custody of the capital, knows what they did to peeta, and unlike before, when he was too wrapped up in his rage and grief and anger to see the horrible position peeta was in when filming the capital’s props, he is able to extend him this one courtesy. it’s the “i promise” that really gets me because it’s, again, a very morbid but still real display of comfort, of friendship that’s never really between them but that he is able to display here. (it's also a parallel to earlier in the book, when he callously asks katniss if she wants him to kill a hijacked peeta for her, because even though hijacked peeta is so different from his old self, so cruel in some ways in that moment, it disturbs her that gale would offer this because he's still a person. but in this scene, gale isn't saying this callously or to be cruel or out of jealousy. he is saying it because he understands peeta's fear and knows it's not unfounded.)

and i guess this change maybe bothers me because it speaks to a certain fandom rhetoric (and the promotion of the films didn’t really help on this front) that gale and peeta, like. hate each other when they… just don’t?

don’t get me wrong, there are some mutual resentments between them that we see in catching fire and especially in mockingjay, and katniss is right in saying they’re not friends, with gale criticizing him for the capital propos and a hijacked peeta more obviously displaying a callous kind of jealousy that he’s never quite expressed all that much, at least vocally, before. (the closest he got was in catching fire, when he asked katniss if she really only kissed gale once.)

but also. peeta defends gale at the whipping post, helps to carry him back, and offers to watch him so that katniss can rest. and yes, maybe those are both things he does for katniss (though i would actually argue i think he would’ve helped gale even without katniss there at the whipping post). gale helps peeta and haymitch and katniss train with snares and traps, and after, in what i think is one of the most interesting things to note about their dynamic, laments that “it would be better if he were easier to hate.” and that's the whole goddamn point, isn't it? katniss even laughs and says, "tell me about it," lamenting that she couldn't just hate and discard him in the first arena. peeta includes gale in the locket reminding katniss why she needs to live. gale plays real or not real with peeta, and tells him things about their shared, destroyed District Twelve that he doesn’t really remember. he gets peeta water in the middle of the night since he’s restrained and can't get it for himself.

and he promises to kill peeta before the capital can take him, knowing why peeta would consider that the more merciful thing. he's even the one who eventually does give peeta his own nightlock pill. and peeta expresses concern for him, too, in case he needs it, but gale assures him he's got his own detonating arrows and katniss herself if he needs a quick mercy kill.

and yes, a lot of those things are at least partly for katniss, but the point is also that they’re there, these kindesses are there, that people aren’t simply violent, malicious monsters, the way that the games are intended to convince people of. even between two boys who love the same girl and don’t really know what to do about it, who somewhat resent each other for it, there is still the capacity for kindness, for understanding.

and it just bothers me, i guess, because while those other small moments are important, gale’s promise here is one of the few kindnesses between them that doesn’t really have much to do with katniss - who, even knowing how lost and unstable and potentially dangerous to the mission and she herself is, can’t even pay lip service to the idea that she’ll kill peeta if it comes to it. she shows she could do it if she has to, she almost does when the mutts are approaching and peeta is whispering her name along with them in his sleep -but she can’t provide him the comfort of saying it, wondering privately if it's because she cares about him or because she's using him in her own private Game against Snow - but gale can. and gale does.

and it just bothers me, even though it’s such a small moment, because despite gale and peeta’s many, many differences, it is one of the few moments of genuine understanding and camaraderie we see between them, finally unmarred or complicated by their mutual feelings for katniss.

#suicide mention //#kinda #thg #the hunger games #peeta mellark #gale hawthorne #thg meta #really this is a word salad that maybe doesn't make much sense #i just have a lot of feelings about the dynamic between peeta and gale. actually.#peeta and gale #katniss everdeen

24 notes · View notes

babypuffinzoe · 4 months

Text

Happy new year! 🎉💖 I hope you're all doing well and that you had a lovely time over the winter holidays!

It's been quite a while since I was last on here, almost four months I think! The past few months have been quite a journey and also transformative for me in many ways. This post is an update on what has been going on with me lately and my plans for the future (warning: it may get dark at times but it's all okay in the end).

Back in August when I came home from my trip abroad I had family visiting, which was a mixture of emotions, and I ended up hitting my head really hard while they were over, leading to me getting a mild concussion. Although I feel like the word ‘mild’ doesn't accurately convey the pain that comes with such a concussion. 😂 During this time I was trying to pretend like everything was okay, when inside I was slowly losing my mind and life was becoming very overwhelming. After my last post in September, things got really bad for me, both with my physical and mental health.

From September onwards I had to face my medical phobia as I could no longer avoid going to the doctors. I was constantly fatigued, along with a range of other symptoms, and I suddenly developed a very weird rash which resembled meningitis and gave me quite the scare. Long story short, after many tests and a lot of stress, they were not able to determine what had caused the rash but at least it's nothing to be concerned about! I did, however, discover that I have a condition called hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which is the most likely cause of all the pain and fatigue I experience. Now that I know this, I can better manage my days and have a better understanding of how my body works, so I’ve been kinder to myself lately.

I won't go into too much detail about all my mental health struggles at this time, since this post is already getting quite long! I have struggled with intrusive thoughts and ‘voices’ in my head since I was a child, which tell me very negative things about myself and my life. It was only in the past months that I have been able to realise with the help of my therapist that these thoughts are not true and not something I need to listen to or take on board when it comes to my life choices. I have been able to actually do things I enjoy again and I am hoping to keep up this momentum during 2024! There are still a lot of other things I am working on and that I currently struggle with, including managing my eating disorder, flashbacks, and PMDD (or potentially PME with the new research that is coming out). However, I am finally at a point where I feel confident in the direction my life is heading and I have more confidence in myself. When things get bad, I tend to isolate myself (one of the unhealthy habits I am working on changing). I struggle to share my feelings with others and hate feeling like a burden, so I pull away from everyone. When I first created my social media accounts, my goal was to use them to help me express myself and have a safe space to share my thoughts and feelings. I really want to put more effort into socialising this year and to isolate less. It's okay to ask for help and it's okay to rely on others when I need it, as I would help them when they do. 💖

During all this I also had a friend move in to my house, which means I have a lot less privacy. That combined with the health scare I had meant I had to put ABDL and kinky stuff on hold for a while. I was also really struggling to get into littlespace and had a lot of confusing thoughts regarding kink in general and what I really wanted. I think I only wore diapers about twice over the months as I just couldn't get into the right headspace. I am happy to say that I am definitely feeling more little lately and I am excited to start wearing nappies again! 🤭

To end on a positive note, I want to share some good things that have happened over the past months. I have found a sport I really enjoy and have been consistently exercising now for the past month or so! I’m super proud of myself as this has been a goal of mine for years! And my daddy and I had our one year anniversary in December and spent Christmas together. 🥰

Thank you to everyone who sent me messages while I was away! Even if I haven't replied yet, know that I appreciate you checking up on me so much and I will try to get back to everyone this weekend! 😊💖 And thank you to all of you who continue to support me and care about me, it truly means a lot. I know I haven't been the most reliable in terms of content creation and I want to get better at that this year, as creating content is one of my favourite things to do and I have had so much fun with it in the past!

I hope 2024 is a great year for us all! Stay safe ily 💖

#personal #life update

30 notes · View notes

thenightfolknetwork · 6 months

Note

um, hello. sorry, i’m a bit new to this “writing-in” thing, hopefully this isn’t too much of a mess.

you see, about a week ago, i met with my brother for the first time in… a while. about ten years to be exact. i was turned fairly young, when i was about 16, and my brother was only around 5 at the time. thing was, when i was first turned, i didn’t tell my parents. they would have hated the idea of me becoming a creature of the night, let alone a hematophage.

i didn’t quite understand how feeding worked at the time, or the sudden hunger that would strike me if i didn’t eat regularly. so, not quite sure how to handle myself yet, i nearly starved. i blacked out. and i bit my brother.

i didn’t mean to, i promise. my parents took him to the hospital almost immediately. they asked to keep him from turning, and told me to stay away. so i did. for about two weeks i would leave and come back to the hospital, only to be turned away by a family member or nurse refusing to let me see my brother. i would go home, only to find my parents had put in iron and silver all around, burning me whenever i tried to enter.

so i left. there wasn’t much i could do. i grew up staying with friends, other people of my genus, never staying to long in one place. i settled down fairly recently, got myself a home and a new boyfriend. and a job at a small shop downtown. one day, as i’m walking up to get inside, i see my brother. he’s looking in the window at some new posters we had gotten. i was so happy. i ran up to him, perhaps coming on a bit too strong, and introduced myself.

i understand that i hurt him in the past. i know i scared him. i hate that i ran away, and left him. but to see my own brother, staring up at me, terrified, holding a silver stake? it was a new kind of pain.

i see him almost every day now, but i keep my distance. he made his message clear. he works next door, apparently. sometimes i leave notes, apologies that i find crumpled in the gutter between our stores.

please. i miss my brother. but he hates me now, and he refuses to speak. i’d rather he renounce me, scream that he hates me, or do something, anything other than staring at me with his hand on his belt ready to pull out that damn stake. what do i do?

The first thing that strikes me in reading this letter is the ages of everyone involved. You say you were “fairly young” when you were turned. Reader, you were a child. You were a child, going through a change that is frightening and difficult even for adults who have freely chosen this path.

You were a child, and you were failed, utterly, by the adults responsible for keeping you safe. They failed to provide a supportive environment for you, so that you felt the need to keep this transformation a secret. In so doing, they failed to protect both you and your brother from the obvious, foreseeable consequences of that secrecy.

You didn't “run away” or abandon your brother. You were driven away – again, as a child. You had no agency in this situation, no chance to choose how you wanted to act. Please, be a little kinder to yourself.

I am also struck by your brother's age. He's not an adult man choosing to cut you out of his life – he's a 15 year old boy, already muddling through the slings and arrows of adolescence, suddenly confronted by the reappearance of his estranged sibling.

I'm afraid, reader, you may be asking too much of him. You have no idea what your brother has been told about you.

You don't know what he's been told about the events preceding your departure from the family home, or how your parents have raised him to think about the creature community in general. (Though, if he habitually carries a silver stake in his belt, we can certainly make some inferences.)

His reaction to you speaks more of shock and confusion than outright hatred and anger. It might be that he just needs time to process your reappearance, and to decide how he wants to proceed. Give him that time.

I recommend approaching him one more time, in as calm and neutral a manner as you can manage. Let him know you aren't going to push this – that you'd like to spend some time with him, perhaps get a cup of tea and chat a little, but that it's entirely up to him. Give him an easy way to contact you, and then, reader – walk away.

I hope your brother has a better support system around him than you did at his age. I hope there are adults in his life who can help him through this difficult process and reach a decision that feels right for him.

But that's not something you can control. All you can control is how you treat him – with respect and dignity, taking an adult's share of the emotional burden so it does not fall entirely on his young shoulders.

And by that, I do mean you need to take responsibility for your own emotional well-being here. Whether you find support from your friends or seek out professional help, you need to work through your grief and trauma around your parents' behaviour towards you.

At the risk of sounding patronising, I urge you to remember that you are also still very young, both by sapio standards and even more so by the standards of other, more long-lived genuses.

Your youth does not undermine your right to safety or happiness, or your right to have your grief taken seriously. But it does mean that there is time for this situation to change.

In time, your brother may grow out of the narrow view of the world in which your parents have raised him. I hope so. And by working on yourself and your own emotional health, you will be ready to be better sibling to him if and when he does choose to have you in his life.

#answered #the nightfolk network #monstrous agonies

28 notes · View notes

viktormaru · 4 months

Text

Some new years rambling

I dont want to get too personal bcs this is the internet but still I want to get something out... for me at least! For posteriority, since I dont really keep journals or anything like that

But anyone who wants to read me ramble is welcome to read this as well, and well... happy new year you guys!

Its been a very long year for me personaly

I made a lot of big changes in my life: Took a big step by moving on my own for the first time, became almost completely independent financially, started my transition, saw my first concert, worked on keeping friendships even at a distance, grew close to someone i care a lot about... it has not been easy at all, hell its been a roller coaster of emotions and problems and I havent really solved them all and Im still struggling with a lot... but... im taking steps towards having a better life... or a REAL life, something I want to live or that I can be content with. its... well, its a big deal!

I remember when I was 18 and the year was turning, i was tipsy and alone at my mother's house hiding from the noise of fireworks and sobbing my eyes out because i thought i hit my deadline to "Fixing" myself and I didnt manage to do it but also didnt have the courage to end things. I felt pretty fucking lost back then, I thought life would always be this... this sludge of nothingness, and I felt a lot of guilt abt it too

But now here I am, struggling but making an effort, and aiming for something more despite how far behind I feel I am. I feel optimistic, hell, I feel like happiness is achievable. Its both scary and a huge relief.

IDK... I guess I'll keep doing my best, and I'll try to be kinder to myself regarding my flaws and my mistakes. I'll forgive myself more, and because of it I'll push myself more as well to be better, to do better, and aim for something good for me.

here's a few concrete wishes I have for my next year!!!

Get a driver's liscence: Now that my legal name is changed and my face is changing as well... doing anything regarding legal documents isnt as scary

Manage to work out for a year: hormones are giving me more confidence to look at myself. And now is the perfect time to try building muscle mass! Oh and be healthy i guess LOL

Figure out a better cleaning routine: My poor house has suffered so much under my carelessness and stress... im so sorry...

Get a bycicle: much needed means of transport in my city to be more independent

Work harder on portfolio and job seeking: again the legal documents thing made it very scary for me to do this... im a bit more confident now

Adopt a pet: this one will happen if I feel ive become responsible enough both with chores and money

thats all

Again, happy new year to anyone reading this, and for me... well... you know what you gotta do

#WEIRDLY PERSONAL.... but alright #im feeling odd anyway #not a bad odd just odd

20 notes · View notes

archiveikemen · 1 year

Text

Liam Evans Main Story: Chapter 19 Premium Story

I do not own any of the Ikemen Series content being uploaded on this blog, everything belongs to CYBIRD. Please support them by playing their games and buying stories. Not 100% accurate, expect mistakes.

read this before interacting with my posts

Liam’s fingers were trembling slightly, and yet he was still smiling like it was nothing.

It was sad, tragic, and helplessly pitiable.

I reached my hand out and gently touched Liam’s smiling face.

Liam: … Kate?

Kate: … Liam, please don't smile.

Kate: Forcing a smile is an act of kindness towards the people around you, but you’re not being kind to yourself, you know?

Liam: That’s… what I said to you before.

Kate: … That’s right. You said that to me, and you’re trying so hard to smile.

From the moment we met, Liam had told me many things and treated me with kindness.

I was saved by him, who told me with a carefree smile that the real me is precious.

(I wanted to help people bravely face what their tomorrow would bring.)

(But I couldn't erase the fears of the person who meant the most to me and was right in front of me.)

I felt guilty, but I knew that regret would do nothing to make things better.

— That’s enough.

If that’s the case, then all I can do is look into his eyes and say it over and over again.

Kate: … Hey, Liam. The world has never been kind to you, right?

I remembered the way his face looked when he was talking while he stared at the crimson sky.

– Flashback Start –

Liam: Sometimes, I wish that all the sad things in the world will disappear.

Liam: How nice would it be if this were a world where no one has to shed a tear.

Liam: I’m not as intelligent as Will or Harry, so I don't know the complications, but…

Liam: Perhaps deep down in my heart, I wondered if such a world would exist after “fighting evil with evil”.

– Flashback End –

(You know more than anyone else that the world will never be free from sadness, and yet you still hoped for it.)

(This is the kind of person you are.)

Kate: Truthfully speaking, I want to make your world a kinder place.

Liam. … Make my world kinder?

Kate: Yes. I want to turn it into a world where not a single painful thing exists, and nothing can hurt you.

Kate: However, as much as I really want to do that… I can’t.

(Because I can’t change what has already happened in the past.)

(Your curse and episodes may never disappear.)

For the rest of his life, Liam had to live with the core of heart battered and crumbling.

Liam may not see life as a figure of hope, but rather a figure of hopelessness.

Kate: The world may not always be kind to you.

Kate: Living in such a world might be harder for you to do than anything else.

I held Liam’s hand that was trembling on the bed.

Kate: However…

Kate: I don’t regret saving your life that night.

Liam: …

Kate: And I won’t ever regret it. Absolutely not.

Liam’s eyes widened and his brows knitted together.

Liam: … You will.

Liam: You have to regret it… it’s useless. Kate. Think about it, why did you save someone like me!

When I shook my head in response, Liam gasped like he was getting anxious.

Liam: I just told you how horrible I can get when I’m having an episode.

Liam: And haven't you personally witnessed me doing something terrifying? You were even soaked in blood…

Kate: Yeah. … I remember that clearly.

Liam: Then… why?

The longer I stared at Liam, the more his eyes shook anxiously like those of a lost child.

Even so, I couldn't look away.

Liam: Right. Do you know that when I first approached you, it was only for my own benefit?

Liam: I just wanted to be needed by you, so I could feel good about myself. It wasn't out of kindness, it was because of my twisted desire to be acknowledged.

Kate: … That’s how you see it, but it was kindness to me.

Liam: …

Liam: And also… I can’t taste anything I eat, I can’t sleep well at night either. Haha… I’m truly broken beyond repair.

Liam: I’m right next to you, even though I don't deserve you. And yet, I was the one who got close to you in the first place… how ironic.

Liam: … I know for sure that I’ll end up hurting you if I stay by your side any longer, Kate.

Liam: To me, that…

Liam: … Scares me more than hurting myself.

Liam: I’ll fall into despair again if I hurt you and see your sad face.

Liam: Everything, all of it, they scare me…

(Ah…)

(Liam is so willing to hurt himself in order to protect me.)

(He’s used to being hurt, alone, and unloved.)

(It’s… so extreme.)

And Liam’s heart would always be lonely and hurt.

(If you're keeping me away from you to protect me, then I’ll protect you by getting closer to you.)

Words weren't enough to express my feelings, so I gently pressed my lips to the back of Liam’s hand that I was still holding in mine.

His hand quivered, and I heard him gasp.

Liam: … Kate… what are you doing…

I looked up to see Liam staring at me in fear.

I cupped his cheeks in my hands and pressed two kisses on his eyelids, in hopes that I could get rid of the fears hidden behind those eyes, even just a little.

Liam: Kate…

Then his rose coloured hair.

His beautifully shaped ears.

And his cheeks where his long eyelashes cast shadows on.

Kate: … Liam, look at me.

Liam: … Mm.

Our eyes met, and then our lips.

I slowly broke the kiss and to stop Liam from disappearing, I gently trapped him in my embrace.

Kate: You said that you hurt me, but I’m certain that I’ll hurt you as well.

To be deeply in love with someone can also mean hurting them.

Kate: Not just right now, but from this moment on, over and over again.

Kate: It’s not possible to be together with someone without ever hurting them. Therefore…

Liam: …?

Kate: Can we look each other in the eyes, talk it out, and start over whenever that happens?

Kate: Can we live in the present moment together, and look forward to our tomorrows…?

Liam: Tomorrow…?

(Because you said that you liked how I’m always looking forward to tomorrow.)

Kate: Yes. If you’re scared of what your tomorrows will bring…

Kate: Then, starting from tomorrow, I’ll always be reaching out to you.

(It doesn't matter if it’s merely a show of courage. I believe in tomorrow and I will look forward to it.)

Kate: Therefore…

Kate: Please live.

Liam: …

Kate: For me, who loves you.

(And someday… for yourself.)

Liam: You’re… being too nice to me…

Liam hesitantly wrapped his arms around me and returned the hug.

When I reach my hand out to him starting tomorrow, he might still not hold it.

However,

I felt that having my hand serve as a sign of hope was the only way.

#ikemen villains #ikemen series #cybird ikemen #cybird otome #otome #ikevil main story #liam main story #niki translates

62 notes · View notes

silvermoon424 · 5 months

Note

the plagiarism discussion started by the new hbomberguy video has really got me thinking some dark thoughts directed at myself. because i used to do that. i copied art all the time. it started when i was a kid and didnt know how to draw, and i tricked myself into thinking this was a way to pretend i was good at it. i wish i could say i stopped when i got older but i just kept doing it. i dont have a good excuse, it was awful and selfish. i now realize i had a lot of other problems in my life, and it got me stuck in some pretty selfish behavior, but that doesnt make it okay. i just didnt care enough about other people, the effort they put into creating something and then sharing it with the world. i wish i had enough kindness in me to praise and share what they did back then, instead of copying it. i know that the guilt i feel is my own fault, and i can never apologize enough

it happened too late in my life, but i finally started to grow and change enough to care about what my actions meant. i also discovered that if i practiced, i was capable of drawing art on my own. i never want to be such a horrible person again. the thing is, i recently started to notice that even when im trying to do better, i wind up drawing poses of characters from art other people have made. maybe that isnt such a big deal for some people, but for me, it feels wrong. somebody who steals shouldnt be trusted. somebody who lies shouldnt be trusted. i feel like i need to just stop drawing altogether, and not even interact with other people who share art. i dont expect any forgiveness, because i dont even forgive myself. i want to stop being a bad person. i guess im wondering about how to move on. everything i think of winds up being hopeless and sefldestructive

Honestly, I think you should be way kinder to yourself. We all fuck up and make mistakes, it's part of being human. Flagellating yourself and thinking you should give up art as a way to "atone" doesn't help anyone, least of all yourself. You should keep doing what you love and maybe also try to highlight other artists.

Seriously, you're WAY too hard on yourself! Please be kind and gracious to yourself as we're all growing into better versions of ourselves <3

#asks #Anonymous

17 notes · View notes

seizethedeansofproduction · 1 year

Text

Everything everywhere all at once winning best picture and all the other awards makes me very emotional. From a representational standpoint yes. But I guess also from a filmmaker standpoint.

(I KNOW THIS IS LONG BUT IF YOU COULD READ THIS, THAT WOULD MEAN THE WORLD)

I’ve been making films for 10 or so years and for many years never saw much outward success. I would put my all into a project, down to hand making the sets, costumes, editing it myself (etc), but when I would submit to festivals for kid filmmakers, I would be left heartbroken sitting in the theater knowing that my film wasn’t good enough. That is had been too weird, not shot on a good enough quality camera, and that it simply wasn’t the “type of film” that could win awards.

Then enter this film. It marched to the beat of its own drum, it told a story that was authentic and sincere, it told a story about a Chinese immigrant and her family (A STORY WHICH RARELY GETS TOLD TO A MASS AUDIENCE IN MAINSTREAM HOLLYWOOD), it told a story about a queer woman struggling with family issues and depression and suicide, it gave no fucks, it gave them all. It was goofy. It was chaotic. It was heart wrenching. It was everything.

I’m a filmmaker, but I’m also sometimes a cynic. At times I am worried about the future of creative fields I hope to enter given AI threatening real artists, the increasing difficulty to break into Hollywood with no connections, and of course a litany of reboots, sequels, and franchises (not to say that this is bad, but there’s a tiny part of me that fears that this is all it will end up being. At least in terms of studio funding). I worry that while I may make films now, there may not be a place for me one day.

Seeing this film changed that. EEAAO was so boldly itself that it relit my creative spark to make work that would do the same.

And of course the awards.

If you had told me a couple years ago that a film about rocks and hotdog fingers would win best picture, I would have been confused then probably laughed. Even as the award season beast was beginning to awaken from it’s year long slumber, I remained skeptical that this film would get awards, much less hundreds of them. Yet it destroyed the competition and with every win and every speech, my heart got a bit more full and damn it, I believed that maybe there was a chance this film could take the title.

Last Sunday, I wasn’t able to watch the oscars. I had just gotten over being sick and needed the sleep. The next morning I woke up and by some stroke of fate the people on the radio were talking about the Oscars, I held my breath, and I heard it. Best Picture Winner Everything Everywhere All At Once. I later watched the acceptance speeches that day and wept. This meant the world to me now but also to the me years ago who sat in those theaters with a broken heart thinking that their movies weren't good enough.

Now of course you can still be a cynic (or a realist who knows?) and assume that this changes nothing. No needle was moved. And next year the films getting awarded and produced with tons of eyes on them will be the next Green Book or whatever. But if this movie’s taught me anything, its that feeling optimism is ok.

And yeah given all it's wins, people are probably now gonna rag about it and say it's overrated. They can have their opinions, but I don't care. Like what you want to like, life's too short.

I’m gonna keep on making movies, the kind of movies I want to make not what I try to make to win awards or impress other people. I’m gonna try to be a kinder person. I’m going try to keep on telling stories of queer people, of found families, of hope, of comedy, and of whatever else I can think of. I’m gonna hope that people continue to create just as they always do and that this time they get the attention, platform, and opportunities that they deserve instead of it going to those who don’t.

Thank you Michelle Yeoh. Thank you Stephanie Hsu. Thank you Ke Huy Quan. Thank you Jamie Lee Curtis. Thank you James Hong. Thank you Paul Rogers. Thank you Jonathan Wang. Thank You Daniel Kwan and Daniel Scheinert. Thank You Everything Everywhere All At Once.

You changed my life and countless others. Thank you thank you thank you.

#will anyone read this full thing? probably not but im glad i got to say it #sorry if this is too sentimental #i can talk for hours on this film but I think I'll just limit it to this #but also every single speech of ke huy quan's makes me cry. he deserves everything he is getting now. he is a treasure #movies do have the power to change lives ig :)#movies #oscars #academy awards #everything everywhere all at once #eeaao #michelle yeoh #stephanie hsu #jamie lee curtis #ke huy quan

71 notes · View notes

tordenvejr · 8 months

Note

I do not want to be here anymore. I did not ask to be born in this system. I do not want to exist when my productivity and how much money I can make for a billionaire are valued more than my life. I do not want to exist in the patriarchy, under capitalism, engaging in compulsory heterosexuality to get by. I cannot have the life I dreamed of due to my chronic health issues. I do not belong anywhere and I have searched my whole life for a place to call home besides myself. I do not know what happiness is. I have not experienced it for a long time. I do not have a strong support network outside of my therapist. I have always been the black sheep in my family and wherever I go. I am tired of being abused by people claiming to love and care about me. I cannot afford to be alive.

your reaction is appropriate! it's appropriate, reasonable and healthy to react this way to the pain, restriction, control and exploitation that you mention. when we can't see any other way of relief or solution the only door we feel we can turn to is giving up or dying. this in and of itself makes sense, but be extra introspective if this is something that has been modeled to you as a child - death as a threat or death as a solution. but the world wants you in it, i didn't know you, but now i do and i want you in it. let's lean towards solution.

feel your feelings, give yourself permission to feel angry, hopeless, hurt, and whatever else you may feel, and when you have done this test the waters of the belief that though it is what we want, in this moment, not everything needs to change for you to be here.

capitalism is a problem, it is soul-sucking and evil, and what does that call you to do? where can you find relief, maybe not complete, but relief? is there a different place that you can pursue to work that will grant you more peace? or is the country you're in the end-goal of living for you? is there somewhere that seems kinder, more supportive? give yourself a moment to exist within the possibilities before you shut them down and doubt them, you deserve at least that. is it right for you to work for others or is it right for you to work for yourself? what enjoyment can you accept to sustain you? is there a way to do business that keeps a roof over your head, food in your belly - that also reaches beyond and operates in a way that is not forced by capitalism? could you incorporate trading? a pricing based on income? what communities share your values that you can become a part of? these things that i mention are not all there is, but they may serve as inspiration. how can you show up in a way that clearly values your life over the profit others may gain from you?

how can you lean into what is for you? if compulsive heterosexuality is on one side, what is on the other? truth? expression? permission to be you? where can you go that your authenticity is encouraged?

physical conditions can be so overwhelming and exhausting, and that's an appropriate response to it. you may not have the life that you envisioned for yourself, there may be grief to be felt here before coming to any degree of acceptance. that's okay, you're allowed to grieve, it will not break you. you have to forgive your body or it will carry double the pain. your life is not what you thought it would be - how can you do what is that your heart? what are the work arounds? what are the new possibilities? beyond this, how can you give your body it's greatest chance of healing, recovery or minimization of symptoms? with nervous system exercises, with leaning into safety whenever the option is presented. it requires consistency to do this, especially when one's environment is a threat, but it is possible.

what is home to you? is it safety, warmth, laughter, company? how can you grow these elements? what do you associate with safety, running water, certain music; play this. what shows make you laugh? whose company do you want? what would a caring support system look like to you? show up with open arms wherever it is appropriate for you, lex, bumble, meetup, a book club, etc. create it! you may not arrive somewhere that gives you that peace you think will envelop you when you finally arrive - but you absolutely can grow it.

happiness might be too far for now, then reach for willingness or acceptance. follow that direction and eventually you'll meet happier again.

feel the loneliness of being the black sheep, there's nothing wrong with this response either! it's natural, it's survival, that it hurts to be different and to not feel understood.

being tired of something is just what you need to say stop, you don't necessarily need to say stop with your words (though it can be cathartic and useful) you can start hanging up, leaving when the conversation takes an uncomfortable turn, you can stop seeing these people. you are perfectly within your right to do this, and you are perfectly capable. something being daunting or uncomfortable does not mean you cannot do it.

feeling like you can't afford to live feels horrible and withering, and that's because it's not how it's supposed to be. it's not right. reach for any support possible, maybe that's online. move in the direction of relief - i know it can feel impossible, and i know it may take some time, but reach. and beyond that, look into it there is a wound that may be older that you have been carrying, saying you do not have the means for safety, belonging, life. feel the pain in it, examine the beliefs you have about your own worth within it.

i'm telling you i'm meeting all of the issues you describe as well, and i'm still here, i don't have it all figured out, but i am figuring it out and you absolutely can too

#answered

18 notes · View notes

theintrovertbean · 8 months

Note

Halo! Umm Can you write Nadia and an fem!MC with low self-esteem? Like she's...completely harsh on herself because of her chubby body.

Hi! Before I begin the headcanons, I want to tell you something. It's gonna be long.

Weight is something that I also struggle with, and I always have. There was about 1 year in my life when I wasn't chubby, and that was because of an illness, so I understand how you might feel. Sometimes I can be quite harsh on myself too.

When I got together with my girlfriend over 3 years ago, I would have regular breakdowns about my body. I cried, I wanted to scream, and I hated myself. No matter what my girlfriend told me, it wasn't helping because I convinced myself that my weight made me unlovable.

That is, of course, not true. Our weight does not define us. Slowly, I started having fewer breakdowns thanks to the love my girlfriend has been giving me, but I still find it hard to believe that someone as pretty as her could ever want me. But she does. It makes zero difference to her. She knows how I look, she has seen me, and she is completely aware of my weight, but she still wants and loves me.

Chubby or not, we are still humans like everyone else. We are flawed and yet still so beautiful in our own way. There are people who are mean, but a good person wouldn't think of you as any less worthy and beautiful.

Your body has been here every step of the way. No matter what happens, your body is there. It might not be perfect in your eyes, but it is a part of you, so please, be kinder to it. Be kinder to yourself. You don't deserve the hate.

If you want to feel better about your body, you have to put in the work but don't do it for someone else. Do it for yourself because YOU want to feel better. Anyone who doesn't love you the way you are doesn't deserve your time. And by putting in the work, I don't mean that you have to go on a diet and lose weight. Sure, you can, but you can also learn to love yourself the way you are. You are so huggable. I bet you give amazing hugs. Start with something small, like realizing how huggable you are (that one helps me a lot), and you will gradually learn to love yourself.

Tomorrow, I'm going to the gym for the first time with my friend. I'm scared as hell, and I've been dreading going to the gym my entire life, but I'm also very excited. Take little steps today so that you can feel better tomorrow. Change doesn't happen overnight, so it's completely fine to take things slow. A few small steps go a long way.

It's okay to not fit into the beauty standards. You are still perfect, and it does not make you any less beautiful. Hugs and kisses for you, and never forget that you are worthy of love. You deserve to be loved by others and by yourself too. I love you, and if you ever want to talk, my DMs are open ❤

I hope you'll enjoy the headcanons!

Nadia x F!Chubby MC with low self-esteem

Sweet, darling MC. She doesn't realize how perfect she is, but Nadia would drop anything to be by her side whenever she needs her. The Countess is having an important meeting with foreign nobles, but Portia comes in and tells her that MC is being harsh on herself again? The nobles can get fucked. Her MC is more important. Nadia is her rock, her pillar, and she can lean on her whenever she is needed.

Nadia would do anything to make her feel better. Whatever she needs, Nadia is giving it to her. She loves spoiling her.

If MC allows it, Nadia would love to kiss every part of her that she's insecure about. Doesn't matter if it's her whole body or just her tummy. Nadia is more than happy to prove to MC how lovable she is.

Nadia listens to MC whenever she is having a breakdown. She would hold her close if she allowed it, just listening to her and then telling her that she is loved the way she is. It breaks her heart, but Nadia would tell her things to make her feel better. Like, that she is cute and her weight doesn't change anything.

Nadia looks at MC like she is the whole package, the object of all her desires. Because she is. Nadia makes sure MC knows that she is desired.

If MC is uncomfortable with receiving a lot of compliments (because otherwise, Nadia would shower her with them every second of the day), then Nadia would hold back a little. She would never do anything to make MC feel uncomfortable. They could come to an agreement. For example, Nadia would be allowed to call MC beautiful once a day. Soon, MC might ask her to do it twice a day, and Nadia is going to feel overjoyed and shower MC with kisses. Gradually, the number of compliments might increase alongside MC's self-esteem.

Oh, the clothes. Nadia would commission outfits from her tailor that make MC feel comfortable and beautiful. Seeing the joy on MC's face when she feels pretty in her new clothes makes Nadia's heart overfill with love and happiness.

Have I mentioned that MC is getting kisses?

Overall, Nadia would do anything in her power to help MC feel better about herself and realize her worth. She loves her, and nothing in the world could ever change that.

#nadia satrinava #countess nadia #the arcana nadia #arcana nadia #nadia the arcana #the arcana #nadia arcana #arcana #nadia x mc #you are loved

19 notes · View notes