Really want to fall in love with someone who likes late night phone calls like let’s talk until it’s way too late let’s talk in a way that makes me a little bolder let’s talk in a way that makes me miss you even more than i did before let’s talk when we’re both soft and sleepy and just need some company in whatever form we can get it in
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All the things I want to tell you.
I want to tell you that I’m excited to change offices at work. You know I’m terrified of change, but this one is going to be so amazingly good for me, I can feel it.
I want to tell you about the book series I finished. The writing was so bad, but the plot was so good. I don’t know if you’d love it or hate and I worry I may never know.
I want to tell you about the Lego roses I bought for you for Valentine’s Day but never got the chance to give to you. I gave them to myself instead and I had so much fun building them.
I want to tell you that I’m wearing my Christmas pyjamas because they are probably the only pair you have never seen me in. The thought of wearing any other pair, of reliving the memories of our houses, the flat, the many hotel stays that I have associated with them, is too painful for me to bear.
I want to tell you that I’m sorry for blocking you. There was nothing wrong with what you did, but you know I have stalking tendencies and I had to do the healthy thing for once. (You are now unblocked btw)
I want to tell you that I think about you every other minute of the day. I have the biggest urge to text you, to send you a snap, to share all my little mundane life details with you.
I want to tell you that you hurt me. I have cried everyday for a week and the pain still feels new everytime I remember what happened.
I want to tell you thank you. I had the best year of my life last year because of you.
I want to tell you I love you.
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I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you.
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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
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hate when I’m texting a friend a story in all-caps and instead of my enthusiasm being matched, I get a
>“[my name]”
>”shut up”
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The secret Dungeon Meshi sauce that's getting people to eat better is that it's so non-judgmental. Senshi and the rest of the gang never talk about what not to eat besides things that taste bad and literal poison. They don't even talk about "health" that much besides the importance of a balanced diet. It's so much easier to eat well when you think of food simply as something your body needs, and that it's often worth the extra effort to make it taste good, especially when you understand how to connect "things your body needs" with "things that taste good"
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(click for higher quality!) draconified link concept ive been chipping away at this past week ..... here's my funny little compendium concept for him:
"A heroic spirit has taken the form of this bestial dragon. Unlike it's kin, this creature exhibits an extremely aggressive disposition. It appears highly territorial, and will relentlessly chase down those who disturb its skywide patrols - of which it seems to be endlessly searching for either a long-time vassal or foe. Unfortunately, it seems the spirit within has long since forgotten exactly who it was looking for…"
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