#i just feel like i'm not. fucking DOING anything. that all i've done is be in bed all week exhausted watching fucking tv
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how long do you think it would take jisung to match your freak? i feel like it would take him months to let out his inner perv but it’s definately in there 🫣
I feel like I said some of this before or maybe because I had most of this in my drafts already and I've been kinda chipping away at it?? if you've seen this before, no you didn't.
but lezgetit!!
Jisung x fem!reader
he would be so eager to start matching your freak but the shyness would have him dragging it out for a few centuries and I know most of the time everyone has him made out to be this soft lil whisper of a guy and I mean I do see him being shy but he's definitely got some kinky marbles rattling around in that big ass head of his ugh bless his heart.
so... here are some ways that Jisung would let you know he got that dawg in him but he's just not ready for you to meet said dawg
as always... minors, fuck off t(-_-t)
• he praises you so casually.
if you tell him about a petting you've done, no matter how tiny it might be, he's gonna praise you for it.
"Okay so I managed to get my dresser drawers reorganized," You tell him as you drop the mail down on the coffee table. "That's wonderful, baby!" he exclaims and pulls you down to sit beside him on the sofa. You turn and press a kiss to his lips, "You always gas me up for nothing. I love that," You whisper appreciatively.
Jisung bumps his nose against yours, "S'not for nothing," he mumbles, "That's a good thing you did and you worked hard on it so I need to acknowledge it and tell you what a good job you did. What kind of a jerk would I be if I couldn't tell my girlfriend how proud I am of her?"
You smirk, "You're proud of me?" You chuckle softly. Jisung shifts to kiss you harder, "Of course I am. You're handling your big girl responsibilities and pretty girls who do good things like handle annoying big girl responsibilities are the best girls."
• he roughs you up but playfully
"So, you little punk... are you gonna tell me what you were out shopping for all day or am I gonna have to beat it out of you?" he asks you as he softly grabs you by the collar of your shirt and backs you against the door.
"Just stuff," You reply with a smug smirk. He tightens his grip on your shirt and kicks your feet apart, " What kind of stuff? Anything you'd like to model for me?" he asks, lowering his voice in longing. He kisses you hard then pulls away and you shake your head, "Mind your beeswax," You tease him dreamily. It's too easy to fall for him. You love where this is going and immediately decide to make this as hard on yourself as possible.
Jisung grabs you by the shoulders and turns you around, pressing the front of your body to the wall, "I'll get the answers I want... You don't have much of a choice, baby." He gently traps your arms behind your back and gives your ass a rough squeeze. You whine in anticipation.
• He jokes a lot but they're jokes very 😏👀😏👀 and then he's a fkn dweeb about it
"would you choke me if I told you I forgot to get your chips when I went shopping?" You ask as Jisung fills a glass with water. He takes a drink then turns to you, "Oh c'mon, I'd choke you just for the fun of it... I didn't mean it like that... Like... I meant I'd- Nevermind, that sounded better in my head."
"No don't start getting shy now! C'mon! Elaborate!" You ask as you float across the kitchen to circle your arms around Jisung's waist, "Keep talkin'."
Jisung takes a long drink from his glass and you watch his Adam's apple bob. You wait for him to find his words and he finally does, "I might've thought about it when I'm fucking you..."
"Might have?" You tease. He kisses you harder, "Maybe."
• Until one day... he's collected enough receipts to know just how to handle you...
he wants you to ride him until he's seeing stars and he wants it to be nasty but he's not gonna just say it. he'd be thinking about heavily one day while laying back in the bed watching you shuffle through your drawer for some pajamas and when I tell you his ass is watching you like a hawk like yeah you've heard of a mean mug but get ready for a subtle horny mug from a very shy boi. I feel like he's more of a hint dropper so he wouldn't say anything ever like he'd just be laying there watching you
after you slip your nightgown on, you turn to look at him and eye him suspiciously, "what's on your mind, pinhead?" he perks up a bit, thrilled that you're taking his bait, "nothing... you just look pretty," he hums, Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows nervously. you crawl into bed and make your way up to sit adjacent to his long frame. he's lounged against the pillows, squeezing and releasing the stress ball in his right hand.
"do I?" You ask him softly. he nods and pulls you in for a soft kiss. his free hand softly cups your cheek, "you always do... pretty princess," he whispers as his lips brush against yours, "let me get a better look at the lace." he slinks his arm around your waist and pulls you into his lap. he's smooth, almost getting over on you as he examines the pink lace around the plunged neckline of your nightgown. you gasp when you feel him growing hard against you. the thin material of your panties cling to the dampness of your pussy and you both hiss. he presses kisses along your jaw, down your neck, and across your chest; dropping the stress ball down onto the mattress.
"the details in this lace are really good, baby. are these... peonies?" he asks "marigolds, sungie. they're marigolds," you whisper, hips rolling slowly as his cock pulses against your heat.
"they both look alike. does it matter?" he asks, rutting against you and squeezing your ass with his large hands. he's leading this but he does it in such a way that has you positive that you're the one in control.
"that sounds racist against flowers," You whine, "fuck... sungie." You grab his shoulders and drop your hands down to roam over the firmness of his chest.
he chuckles, "sorry flowers. I meant well." You wriggle as you drag your pussy over his cock, "can I ride you?" You ask him longingly. he smiles against your lips and nods, "That's different. are you sure?" he asks you teasingly. he slots his mouth against yours harshly and pries your mouth open. "mhm," You muffle against his open mouth. you raise up when you feel him trying to push his pants down; mewing when his cock thumps against you. one of his hands reaches down to pull your panties aside, "fuck, baby. gonna take it all?" he growls. You nod, "all of it... need it."
Jisung eyes you, "Sit."
You don't hesitate to follow his orders and you slowly begin sinking down on his cock. "That's my girl... That's my good little girl," he groans. You clench around him and he brings a hand up to stroke your cheek, "M'not gonna give it to you, sweetheart. you gotta take it. you asked for it so you gotta take it for yourself. show me how you want it," he groans, fingers digging into your hips. he's done it again; achieving exactly what he wants without having to say it. he smiles briefly; smugness fading as you begin riding him. his head rolls back and he grunts softly, his hands grabbing and squeezing at your hips, "Just like that, baby. you like riding me?" he breathes heavily, hips bucking as he looks at you with a twinkle in his eyes.
"sungie... love it. love it, baby" you pant. jisung let's you ride him but his hands stay tight against your hips, "m'not your Sungie... m'not your baby either... put some respect on my name little girl."
you open your mouth to speak but quickly shut it, head falling back for a moment as your back arches. "look at me, young lady... right now. c'mon," he coaxes you softly but firmly. you raise your head back up to look him in his eyes. jisung's cheeks burn a deeper shade of red, "close your fucking eyes back. damn," he gushes as he brings a hand up to cover your eyes, "Stop looking at me." you giggle breathlessly and bounce a little harder on his cock. your hands busy themselves with pushing his shirt up. he quickly pulls the reins in on his shyness, "if you wanna see mine, you gotta show me yours," he purrs and slowly begins lifting your nightgown. it feels like a matter of only a second before Jisung is tossing it aside and kissing the heated skin between your breasts. he pulls back, voice even and fond "daddy's turn, princess."
your mouth falls open and you pant as your hands claw at his shirt and clumsily pull it off. Jisung takes the shirt from you and throws it somewhere behind you before pulling you back in for a greedy kiss, "is my pretty girl getting tired?" he asks.
you nod, "don't wanna work for it anymore... please fuck me. please," you plead. your voice breaks and Jisung circles his arms around your torso and plants his feet into the mattress, "please what," he whispers as he slowly fucks into you. it's painfully slow and you whine, "please, daddy," You beg softly.
Jisung bucks his hips up into you, pounding you mercilessly and pulling a string a squeals and whines out of you, "So fucking big," You warble in awe at how his cock always stretches you to your limits. "tell me you love my dick, baby. tell daddy how much you fucking love it," he moans. you nod though you're not sure why you are, "Uh huh," You whimper, pulling a laugh out of Jisung. "Oh my God, am I fucking you stupid? aw, y/n, stop you're so cute, baby," he coos as his hips continue delivering harsh blows to your pussy. your cheeks heat up and you wrap your arms around his neck, "harder, daddy... fuck," You mumble longingly.
Jisung fucks you like he'll never stop, desperately and equally as hard; sending your mind jettisoned into a world where he is the only thing that could sustain you. his mouth, his hands, the feel of his tongue stroking over yours, the way his hips meet yours so needily...
his voice.
"is this hard enough, honey? tell me how you feel," he drawls. you close your eyes again and let the sweet sensation of his cock stroking your walls melt your brain even more, "s'good, daddy... th- mmmm fuck... thank you, daddy..."
"anything for my good girl. good girls always get what they want, right?" he whispers against your lips. you nod, "Yes, daddy... yes, yes, yes, yes..." You cry. Jisung brings his hand between your hips and his own before rubbing circles into your clit, "want you to take daddy's cum... all of it. can you do that for me? wanna... fuck, baby... wanna breed your tight little pussy. tell me it's okay baby," he practically begs. you nod, knowing that to speak right now would be in vain. Jisung's hips and fingers show no mercy, "how many times are you gonna let me make you cum, princess?"
pressing your forehead to his, you whine again, "I dunno... daddy, please. Just want it," You plead. jisung kisses you then rolls you both over and he sits up between your parted legs to push his pants off. you watch him, wonderstruck by the sureness of his movements and his hands grab at your panties, his eyes meet yours and he crumbles again, "would you stop it?" he breathes bashfully and his eyes fall down to where his hands rest on your hips. he does a soft and steady sway from the left to the right as he tosses a thought around in his head. he comes to a halt when you speak,
"Whatever it is you're thinkin' about doin'... just do it. A hundred percent of the choices you've made so far have been fuckin' awesome so... Don't stop now," You whisper. jisung grips your panties and hesitates for a moment before shaking his head, "it's not about whether or not I should but whether or not I can..." he sighs. "but?" You whisper. "we'll never know if I don't try but you'd not fuckin' laugh at me."
you giggle, "I won't, baby. promise." jisung beams at you and gives your thighs a playful slap, "Oh shut up you're already laughing," he laughs. you lock your legs around his waist, "just wanna feel a little helpless," You whisper. jisung nods and makes an attempt tearing the flimsy material but with no success. you both laugh and he tries again with the sand results as before, "never mind then. I can think of a few other ways to make you feel helpless," he says and pulls them off.
"how?" You whisper and pull his hands down to your breasts. he smiles, "like this," he hums and traps your hands above your head. his fingers stroke you, "not gonna stop until you're begging me to," he breathes, "I wanna see if I can get your to cry a little."
#andysorbit#nct smut#nct#kpop smut#nct hard hours#nct hard thoughts#nct dream#nct dream smut#jisung park smut#andyception#park jisung smut#jisung smut#neoculturecollectives
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PROMPTS FOR N.SFW DIRTY TALK
* assorted dialogue ranging from vulgar to weird to hot to suggestive to everything in between, n.sfw heavily implied across the board so proceed with caution, adjust as necessary
can you help me with something in the bedroom?
if you don't stop looking at me like that, we're going to have a problem.
beg for me.
i'm imagining what we'd be doing if we were together.
you're going to get down on your knees, and then you're going to taste me.
i've never seen you like this before.
i'm sure we could find somewhere to be alone.
i've been having filthy thoughts all day.
do you want to lie down for a bit?
i need to feel you inside me.
why aren't you here right now?
once we start, i don't think i'll be able to stop.
i need you so bad right now.
how badly do you need me?
i love watching you touch yourself.
come for me.
what do you want me to wear to bed tonight?
that feels so good.
you don't know what you do to me.
i'm under your spell.
i'll make sure you feel good.
i'll do anything you ask.
spank me.
i love when you let me take control.
just like that.
that was so good, baby.
i need to get you home right now.
i thought about you last night.
do that again.
you like that, baby?
look at me while you take it.
pleasing you is my only purpose.
i just want to make you happy.
take your clothes off. lie down.
fuck me hard.
just like that.
how do you want me?
i'm dripping wet.
i can't wait to get you home.
i've never wanted anyone like this before.
grab me in public.
i love your body.
you're making me so fucking horny.
i wish we were home.
i just want to rip your clothes off right now.
don't stop.
wanna see what i have on underneath?
i want you on top of me.
i've never been fucked like this before.
grab my hair.
grind into me just like that.
no one can touch you the way i do.
you make me feel amazing.
pull on my hair.
tonight is all about you.
bite me.
i'm not wearing any panties.
walk in front of me so i can watch you.
don't look at me like that.
i bought something for us to use together.
you turn me on.
have you ever done that before?
i need to feel your body against mine.
you're really sexy when you wear that.
i keep fantasizing about what i'm going to do to you later.
please don't make me beg.
fuck my mouth.
i want you all over me.
i can't concentrate at work when you send me photos like that.
#rp meme#mcflymemes#rp memes#rp prompt#roleplay prompt#roleplay memes#rp starters#ask meme#ask memes#roleplay meme#roleplay inbox prompts#rp inbox meme#inbox prompt#inbox meme#sentence starter prompt#sentence starter#sentence starters#NOT APOLOGIZING FOR THIS
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Eddie is desperate to speak to you about what you saw in the woods but with Harrington guarding you at every turn how was that possible?
Jealous Eddie, 18+, misunderstandings, protective Steve. Robin is done with all this shit.
Part one here
💌♥️
You spend your time at Family Video trying to distract yourself from ever thinking you and Eddie could be something in the first place. It's hard though because at unexpected times the kiss will creep back into your mind and you were swept back into your deep feelings for Eddie once again.
It wasn't like there was an on or off switch to turn off how you felt. If only it was that easy.
Steve has been amazing, he's comforted you since you went into Family Video, tear filled eyes and lip trembling as you explained to him and Robin what happened.
The thing about Steve is since he's changed dramatically in the last few years, grown into a better man thanks to a knock on the head from various people (Nancy, Robin, You, Dustin and all the other little shits) he's also become more protective of everyone he cares about.
So seeing you teary eyed and that little pout on your face has sent all of his protective instincts going haywire, he can never resist a pout and puppy eyes-something the kids have picked up on and used to their advantage.
He's determined to do anything to protect you from Eddie hurting you even more, and it's not like he disliked the guy, Munson was cool. Hurt his friends though and any good will he had disappeared fast.
It doesn't help his irritation when Eddie is constantly everywhere he looks, he's driving you and Robin to school and Munson is watching with a pained expression.
Serves you right dickhead. He thinks to himself and wraps his around you, comfortingly when you freeze as you see Eddie.
The anguished expression on Eddie's face darkens into something else and he zeroes in on Steve's hand that is gently rubbing your shoulder.
Steve doesn't think it's the last he's seen of Munson, if his expression is any indication then he expects Eddie won't keep his feelings quiet for very long.
...
It takes less than a day for Eddie to show up at the store. You're working with Steve and watching IT to pass the long work day away.
"You know this feels so familiar" Steve smirks at you and you can't help but laugh, kids banding together to fight an ancient evil, it rings a few bells.
Eddie looks between you and Harrington, jealousy bubbles in his stomach and he grips the video he's holding tightly. Inside jokes, the two of you had inside jokes.
He swears under his breath, curses himself that he fucked up so badly. Wishes he could explain to you and tell you that Chrissy didn't mean anything, she was nervous getting weed for the first time and he just wanted to make her feel comfortable.
The only person he wanted was you but you had gotten things totally wrong. The jealousy twists in his gut again when Steve gently nudges your side as the two of you laugh over something.
He's itching to go up and talk to you but how could he when Harrington was like a guard dog.
Robin sidles up to him, returning tapes, she narrows her eyes at Eddie as he looks at her pleadingly all puppy eyed and pouty.
"Don't you do that look Munson, I'm as pissed at you as Steve is and I swear if you're hanging around to just break a certain someone's heart again then I'm borrowing Steve's bat and...' Eddie manages to intervene before she passes out from lack of oxygen.
"No, shit, that's not why I'm here Buckley. I came to apologise, beg for forgiveness. I am not interested in Chrissy. I've been crazy about princess for months and I'm kicking myself that I've messed things up" Robin deflates and softens just a tiny bit.
"Well why haven't you apologised?" she exclaims and then she turns around to look at Steve and sighs. "Yeah, it's not ideal when Steve is in "protective mode" but suck it up Munson" Eddie swallows feeling thoroughly chastised.
Suck it up and get his princess back. He could do that.
💞
Eddie doesn't come back to Family Video after his talk with Robin. The thought sours your mood because you guess he really doesn't care that you're hurting.
Or Robin and Steve have collectively scared him off.
Maybe he really did have chemistry with Chrissy and he would rather pursue her. The least he could do is tell you so you weren't surprised one day when he walked into Family Video with her.
Pissed off and in spite of yourself really missing Eddie you concentrate on rewinding the tapes that people had brought back. Ugh, be kind rewind. It was right there on the video cover, there were so many tapes to do and that was annoying you as well.
Just as Robin is talking about Vickie and asking you and Steve about ideas for a movie date, you're distracted as Eddie comes in. Your heart skips a beat and his big brown eyes are full of nerves.
It really was time for you and Eddie to talk. Steve looks reluctant as you head over but you assure him you'll be fine.
"We need to talk, I'll be okay Steve. Promise" he nods but is still glaring at Eddie, his gaze darkening even more when Eddie approaches.
"Do not fuck this up Munson or you'll have me to answer to?" Eddie nods, his gaze is still on you.
Robin rolls her eyes as she looks between him and Eddie and gently pushes Steve back behind the counter. "Come on Steve, don't be a dingus and let them talk it out" Eddie throws a grateful smile Robin's way.
Once you're alone with Eddie he immediately launches into what he's been itching to say, he trips over his words a few times but he's desperate for you to understand that he's in no way interested in Chrissy, not one bit.
Eddie shakes his head. "I don't want Chrissy, I'm not interested in her, she is sweet but she's not you. I was goofing around when you saw us talking because she was nervous, it was her first time getting weed and I just wanted her to relax sweetheart, the only "spark" I feel is with you"
You smile feeling the stirrings of relief build up inside you. "I've been trying to tell you all week princess but I didn't want to fuck up any more and well, Steve hasn't exactly let me anywhere near you" he looks past you to Steve and you squeeze his hand.
"He's just protective that's all" you soften as you gaze at him, can sense that he's worrying, "Eddie there's nothing between me and Steve, he's my friend that's all" Eddie nods and brightens considerably.
"As long as Harrington knows that" you roll your eyes amused as Eddie straightens and tries to look intimidating to Steve.
"Yes he does, we're friends Eddie. He's just as protective of Robin" Eddie nods and presses a kiss to your head.
"I've missed you sweetheart" you lean into him and his arms wrap around you. You've missed him like crazy, "Maybe we could try this again princess? A proper date?" You nod and press a gentle kiss to his lips leaving you both a bit dazed but smiling happily at each other that everything is going to be okay.
♥️
#eddie munson x you#eddie munson x y/n#eddie munson imagine#eddie munson angst#eddie munson fluff#jealous eddie#protective steve#stranger things eddie munson
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this is a random thought I had in the shower actually well over a month ago, but I've been gnawing at it in my brain...and perhaps this is going to sound pathetic and a bit esoteric.
So, it suddenly dawned on me very randomly while I was showering that I have been paying for netflix for my own account since I was a freshman in college. Back in the dvd days, I remember having Firefly sent to me disk by disk my fall semester. This is 2009. It was an important part of college because I let my friends use it on their console and we'd all go to their dorm and watch streaming, and I passed out my log in to a ton of friends. I basically provided free Netflix to more or less 10 or so people over the course of four years for not even $7 a month I think.
What hit me though was that means, this year - that will be 15 years. That's what stopped me in my shower to stare off in the abyss for like 10 minutes and what's been on my mind for the past several weeks. I've been paying netflix for 15 years, which is the longest I've ever done anything. There is no other company I've so consistently paid for like this either, not for that many of years not even close. Quite possibly my longest relationship outside of my family and 2-3 other people. Netflix, the ever constant, of all forsaken things.
And what really bothers me about it is that, uhm, not to be an American consumer but like...I don't feel appreciated by netflix. For the past few years, I've barely used it, except for a few titles I've wanted to watch. I haven't passed out my log in since I changed it not long after college to keep an ex using it for free. I've remained loyal, despite the fact that I don't feel like some sort of loyal consumerist. I don't give a fuck about brands, I try to shop as little as possible, thrift what I can. And yet, what can I say? I actually am a loyal consumerist, to netflix that is.
What a shock to realize this, and what a shock to realize netflix does not acknowledge this, no email saying thanks, no surveys, no swag, no pizza party, no invite no perk no discount no nothing. Instead they raise prices, cut services, lose licenses, and cancel barely finished products. I'm 15 years loyal to this company for this?
And I think about the days of yore, but really not long ago. The preferred shopper's catalogues of department stores, the longtime shopper promotions of industry giants, the award systems for the loyal consumerists of chains and malls. The specialty Christmas items that are today vintage and worth money for their rarity. The thank yous, the special events. The mailers that say "Come to our store loyal customer and receive a free $20 coupon for that day!" And I'm not saying this is good, and of course it's all just marketing and advertisement, and I'm not saying this is the life I want to live...
But I am saying this would be easy for netflix to do, for someone like me. Someone who went from $7 to stream and receive DVDs, who got customers onboard when the model was new and the company was pioneering, to $20 to sit unused but for a month or two out of the year. It would be easy to pull the data. It would be easy to say which accounts have been opened the longest, to actually verify who has given 180 months worth of payments to them. It would be easy to give me a year's discount to say thank you. It would be easy for them to send an email to verify my address to send me merch. Do I want the merch? No, not really. But have they tried?
Have they even sent me an email saying "We appreciate your 15 years of support! We value you!" with little confetti animation? They didn't do it at 10 years. They didn't do it at 5 years. I don't recall ever receiving emails from netflix besides "Unfortunately, our payment model is changing."
As of today, I haven't pulled my account yet. I want to finish Bridgerton, even if this season is a snoozefest. But I think I will. I feel had and used, as pathetic as that sounds. Has Hulu done anything different? I can't remember when I signed up for them but it's been many years. No, but I frankly use it more, so I'm less angry. And with netflix...it's been fifteen years. They have really banked on us being passive in our payments, and accustomed to the freedom of endless choice, and it just feels gleeful that they never even once acknowledged I've been here this whole time. Actually, act like Sears and Bloomingdales 60 years ago, or we quit I think we should say. Ask me my address to send me a glass netflix mug or I'll fuck off, because who do you think you are to think so little of me, the only reason you exist for?
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On behalf of the people that made drama last night I'd like to make an apology to the Hogwarts Legacy fandom! For those who can't seem to STOP causing drama in our fandom,
FYI people are allowed to share their opinions and disappointments no matter what! You shouldn't belittle people for it just because you THINK you're better than everyone else just because you have the equipment to mod your game! At the end of the day Portkey Games is at fault for giving us an uncompleted game in the first place, people like me didn't have our hopes too high either, we, just thought...maybe with the new summer update it'll be alot better! They hyped it up!!!! So much! Loyal fans of this game wanted what they initially asked for, okay photomode is a good start! I'm looking forward to using that.... but a new quest or just something would've been nice! For console players!!!
I love Hogwarts Legacy regardless, and also telling others to play other games isn't done either!!!! When you fall in love with a particular game and it's characters you cannot simple give up on it..... I will also say causing drama which isn't needed is very very childish!!!!! How old are you? You gotta be in your 20s or early 30s right? You should not be acting like a bunch of children!!!! Maybe just grow up??? And learn to understand not everyone can easily modify a game! Like you can or have that type of money to do so!!!!!!!! Show some bloody respect! And acknowledge not everyone is as well off as you, heck I'm in the UK and trust me this country is not only in a recession but a cost of living crisis, it's hard! Can barely pay bills and debts!!!! Or sometimes food etc!!! Just be a bit more understanding!!!! Times a tough the world is a rough place right now, as a fandom you should be kind to one and another!!! And respect each other, not cause so much beef between each other.
It's a game we all love, keep it that way! And let people have their opinions! And expressions! (I've actually blocked that individual since because she was just being snobby about the entire thing, feel as if she was basically laughing at us console players so blocked her)
I will stand up for this fandom until I fucking die (not that'll happen anytime soon I hope) lol but I have ya backs okay? Don't let anyone tell you guys otherwise that you can't have an opinion or anything.... I think this fandom is wonderful otherwise. We all love the same things just enjoy it. Much love to you all. Your Slytherin Queen! Lol 💚🐍💚🐍💚🐍💚🙂🥰
#ranting#rant post#hogwarts legacy#hogwarts legacy fandom#hogwarts legacy summer update#portkeygames hogwarts legacy
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yall wanna know how fucked up my anxiety is about some shit
i scroll past a post that's about a topic i don't like. whatever, it's fine. i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't care about. that's normal.
i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't like or care about but the person presenting it is a person of color? i IMMEDIATELY feel immensely guilty and need to "compensate" by "proving" it wasn't because of race by also skipping other random posts, JUST IN CASE someone thinks I'm racist because I didn't want to watch a video on a topic I didn't like or care about, that happened to be presented by a person of color.
this just in on: the police in my brain are loud and i'm scared of them
#this is also because i grew up in a racist area and in that culture and my own ignorance i also Was Kinda Racist#but like in that way where you don't realize it's racism until you're out of it and now feel so ashamed that you forcefully block all#those memories just so you don't ever have to associate yourself with them ever again?#(mind you I was like. 15-16 and closeted and scared scared scared all the time so I acted like the Crowd and that was awful of me to do)#BUT NOW that i've grown and am learning and have taken classes on anthropology and all kinds of stuff I just feel like I notice my own shit#like TENFOLD now#it's my anxiety overthinking thing plus if anybody ever knows I could have done anything SLIGHTLY problematic the world will explode#plus my constant paranoia that someone is always watching me and just Knows that I'm Secretly a Bad Person (even though I don't think I am?#also I feel like I need to clarify that the kind of racism in my town wasn't like. klan shit. it was like very hidden racism?#it was like. kids casually doing black accents and making jokes with racist undertones. the kind of racism where race was always#the butt of the joke instead of an outright HATED thing. and I think that's why it was so hard to unlearn#it's like that thing where in order to stop wanting to kill yourself you have to stop joking about wanting to kill yourself#this has become a vent post accidentally i'm so sorry#this is just. one of my Major anxieties that engulfs me every day because of 1) anxiety 2) potential OCD 3) being a bad person in my past#this is another reason I fucking hate florida#because I just know if I had grown up in my home town in MI I would not have been raised in that environment#and it's my own fucking fault for falling into the crowd like that.#all this to say i traumatized myself and likely some people around me by being A Fucking Idiot when I was a kid#and now adult me is doing everything in their power to not ever be that person ever fucking again#tw vent post#tw racism#tw past racism#but im better now and I know my mistakes and I refuse to make them again#fuck florida for every fucking reason under the sun
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it's been a month since we moved into the new apartment -
I'm so stressed. everything is stressful. we're still not done building the kitchen but it's getting there (slowly). mostly we just need to wait until we get a couple parts that weren't in stock when we ordered the rest. I'm hoping it'll be done by next weekend.
some of it is very frustrating with my brain specifically. I'm so bothered by all the tiny little things that no one else would even notice - like, some of the handles on the drawers are very slightly crooked (as in, less than a millimeter higher on one side) - but for me it's so obvious that it's impossible to ignore. my husband didn't even know what I meant when I pointed it out to him. there's also been a few slightly bigger issues, but we've solved them now (I think).
my eye has been twitching for like three to four weeks. not all the time obviously, but every few minutes. it's very, very annoying.
we still have no new info about when we'll have internet finally. it could take a while still.
on Monday a guy has to replace something in the electric roller shutters in one room - but we don't know which one yet. so either I'll have to let him into my room (awful, uncomfortable, will have to tidy up tomorrow so he could even get to the window), or I'll have to get both our cats into their carrier if it's the one in my husband's room (awful, difficult, one of them doesn't like that so he'll be scared and I'll feel bad).
also on Monday the electrician will install our stove (if he has time). then we're getting two ikea deliveries. and I've got an appointment with my (new) GP because I need a prescription, and I'm very (verrry) nervous about it.
I miss watching TV. I miss tumblr and YouTube and messaging my friends whenever I want and sending them photos all the time. I miss order and structure and (some level of) routine. I miss using real cutlery (we still haven't found ours lol).
when I was finally starting to get used to the noises in this place, the family above us moved in with their baby that cries all the time very very loudly and most of the time right above my room. so now everything is different again and I'm not adjusting well and once again I can't sleep.
but, I've listened to 14 audiobooks since we moved! that's been nice. it was the same way when we moved the last time (just over a year ago..). my favourite by far was The Thursday Murder Club. I've got the other ones in the series but I'm trying not to listen to them too quickly, so I'm gonna listen to three other books first (one is done already, so I should get there on Monday or Tuesday hopefully).
#long rambly post sorry#I miss talking about the random uninteresting shit that happens in my life on here all the time#I've got data on my phone again now at least so that's good. but the phone signal is still awful indoors so it's not that useful#but anyway.... logically I know I'm doing an okay job with unpacking and everything but it doesn't feel like it#also I'm probably gonna have to try to find at least a part time job pretty soon and I'm really really really scared. terrified.#not just of trying to find something and interviews and all that#but that I won't be able to handle it. physically and mentally. again.#I've only had one full time job (an apprenticeship actually) and I lasted 3 months.#and at my part time job I only lasted a month#like. I can barely get anything done in a day as it is. I have so little energy. everything is so fucking hard and exhausting#I truly don't understand how everyone does it. I don't understand how it's possible.#but if I don't find something we won't have money for food next month sooooo it is sort of kind of important#it sucks so fucking much. I can't stand or walk for long periods of time. can't do too much with my hands. I'm not good at dealing with#people/customers. I panic and can't think when I get nervous (which is most of the time). I can't remember shit.#so like. what job am I supposed to do??? everything hurts all the time already and I'm always tired and I'm barely keeping it together#fuuuuck this#😭#personal
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not to beat a dead horse but jesus christ can you just leave people alone in public bathrooms i just want to fucking piss girl i'm so tired of feeling anxious and trying to avoid using public bathrooms because of how fucking weird cis people are about it. i tried to go into the bathroom at work today (i have worked here for years) and this woman who has worked here for two weeks and doesn't know me laughed and tried to like. steer me in the direction of the men's toilet instead and was like "wrong way!" are you fucking kidding me fuck off
#i have worked in this building for years. i know where the fucking bathroom is#like i'm sorry but cis people just don't want me in any bathroom at this point. i can't fucking win#i'm not kidding you i didn't really think that people in real life would actually make a fuss over who is in the bathroom#but at uni specifically i have had A LOT of people in the womens bathroom awkwardly tell me “uh i think you're in the wrong bathroom haha”#they're not even doing it in an antagonistic way it's like they genuinely think i've walked into the wrong one#and it makes ME feel like a creep or like i've done something wrong#like you guys are the ones that insist i should be in this bathroom !!!! but then i go in there and get told i'm in the wrong one !!!!#it's one of the few things that never fails to make me feel anxious and sad because it's a fucking bathroom it shouldn't be a big deal#why am i being made to feel like i've done something wrong when i'm just trying to exist here like everyone else#and you know what. it doesn't matter how i identify right. because i've actually done nothing to intentionally masculanise my appearance#like the entire time i've been out. i had short hair before i came out and i dressed this way before i came out#i have not done anything to try and Look Like A Man or Look Cis. i just have masc bone structure NATURALLY#so for all you know i could just be a woman with short hair ????? and you're telling me i don't belong in here because of that ??#like sure i'm NOT a woman with short hair but my point is you literally cannot tell the difference#so just leave people alone
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When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out
#vent#its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything#i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just#im fucking tired ok#and I'm sorry im a bad friend#i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired#i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it#but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit#and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them#and they can lash out on me#i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not#last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend#it wasnt my fault#that friend ghosted me#im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too#but at the same time im too done to even really care#i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day
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#feel like such a freak idiot all the time & i never react in the right way and then i hate myself afterwards for reacting wrong and#i'm so scared of like making every situation about my autism that even when i bring it up as a possible explanation for something i've done#i feel like a burden and like i'm making excuses and expecting everyone around me to accommodate my stupid behaviour#but i can't stop doing the thing in the first place no matter how hrd i try because those behaviours are literally hardwired into my brain#don't know how to not do them & i feel like i'm killing myself trying to be normal so hard. i just wish i was like not such a weirdo freak#who could cope with literally anything god i'm so fucking tired and sad about everything it's too hard
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I already knew I had no interest in Palworld when they showed the guns and slavery of the Pals in the first trailer but hearing that not only has the company dabbled in NFTs and AI but there's also HUMAN slavery AND the farms are called plantations has just totally turned me off. why did the devs think that was even slightly appropriate in this fucking day and age?
like I DO think we need an open world survival Pokemon-esq game, we really do. but not Palworld. hopefully Kindred Fates will fill that void properly, in a responsible, not overly and poorly thought out edgy way.
#granted if they make it clear in the game that the slavery is Bad and there are better ways to do the things you need to do#then that's slightly better. Morrowind has slavery in it too but it makes it very clear that it's Bad#and in quests involving them they give you options to help the slaves out and allow you to free them (two Telvanni quests come to mind)#it's not great but it's slightly better. but like. if it's like the guns then I suspect it's in there just to be edgy and “cool”#which isn't okay and shouldn't be defended. that's not okay. that's not ever okay.#and it sucks cuz again we do need a game like Palworld but without all the terrible things! Nintendo has been slacking hard and also#they been playing it way too safe and I feel like anything they make will kinda fall short#I enjoyed Scarlet and Violet but I feel like they could have done a little more if they were braver#and also. you know. payed their workers and didn't push out a new Pokemon every year.#give it time to sit so new ideas can develop properly. come on now.#anyways I have no idea if any of this is really coherent or just a rapid flow of thoughts. whatever#I'm excited for Kindred Fates. it comes out this year supposedly so I'm gonna grab that when I can#also there's nothing wrong with edgy concepts in video games. Palworld just does it badly to me#and as always people are allowed to like the game but. use some critical thinking#I've seen little bits of the game that look really fun. I've just been totally disillusioned to it lmao#I am gonna be sus of anyone accusing people of being moral crusaders for calling the game out for the slavery tho. that's sus as fuck#churchy talks#churchy tag rambles
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sometimes I wish you could post an opinion on a fandom blog without inviting a whole witch hunt or being accused of causing drama but alas
#I've not done anything and i won't do anything#it's just something that's annoying?? that you can't say anything without someone doing a bad faith interpretation of it#or projecting it on themselves or getting offended on behalf of a fictional character#the few times i saw someone actually say something slightly controversial all hell broke loose every time#like great that you're passionate but not everything is about you#not everything needs your opinion - especially if you can only give it like a lecture#not everything has malicious intentions#people disagreeing with you have a right to their opinions as well - as long as you respect theirs they should respect yours#the thing is - i don't think I've ever been in a fandom that didn't have to deal with like ship wars or someone doing hate campaigns#of a character or ship - i guess that's just the way it is??#but here it feels especially tiring because people don't usually disagree on ships#people are literally fighting and hating each other mainly over the same two characters!!! and their different interpretations of them#people disagree over what the right and moral way is to portray and ship those characters#and it creates so much tension because you can't associate with those people because they're doing it wrong#and are acting fucking awful about it#but those people are very exclusionary and if you don't agree with all of their points they don't want to talk to you either#you just float along hoping that you'll find some people who have a similar interpretation and will actually talk to you#it's so weird??? it's so isolating too??#and it feels like you entered a political landscape in your online fandom space#i will probably delete this and I'm not even sure my thoughts make sense#my thoughts spiralled a bit from thinking how some fan interpretations annoy me into disliking a character hahaha
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I wish I wasn't so exhausted and I could make more art.... I even planned out a whole prompt-a-day month for Saigenos/Genosai, TWICE, but the first time no one seemed like they could participate when I asked about it, and the second time I friggin lost the damned plan. I could remake it a third time, but I just....I don't know.
I've been really struggling to get along for a while, and I think if it didn't hit it off--or even if I just got really productive and it seemed like I was reaching crickets--I'd be so incredibly discouraged that it would bring me down even further. It usually takes my stuff a few months to a year to get reach, and that really doesn't do anything for me when I need the support immediately.
It's not that I don't have a billion ideas for so many different things, but my battery has been taking longer and longer to charge up and it's been running out faster and faster, and it's been like this for....a year?? Ish?? Maybe longer, I don't know.
I wish I could just stop needing so much fucking time to bounce back.....
#written from my bed as I'm almost crying from exhaustion and hopelessness#I'm PMSing and I had a really tiring day so i know this feels worse than normal#but when you've been struggling to fall asleep for months because waking up means being disappointed in yourself#for everything you failed to do the day before and everything you know you're going to fail to do again today#it's really hard not to feel like shit about yourself#trying to be constantly hopeful but never living up to your expectations#and then the few times that you do you completely crash for days#and then the only way to not crash is to have your big accomplishment be 'i went to the gym' 'i took a shower' 'i answered a message'#and just. again#to have the be the way you're living for months and months and months#it's so embarrassing to admit how little i can do and it makes me so ashamed knowing how much I've done and see what everyone else around me#is constantly doing#and then when i do share things it just kind of dies off because I've been too exhausted to maintain most relationships#which ALSO makes me feel like absolute fucking shit because i think people think i just don't care about them#when it's really that it takes me hours to get out of bed and I'm lucky if i remember to eat before 4#and I hate so much of myself and see it as such a huge waste of time that it uses up almost all the energy i have to take care of myself#but if i don't do it I'll just hate myself even more#i know i keep on complaining about this but I'm. I'm trying to fix it#i have BEEN trying to fix it actively for so fucking long#but it's.....i think I've stopped believing anything i do has significant worth and it makes it hard to keep trying#and i know people will read this and say take something for it but when you're only interactions with medications and drugs#are one experience that scarred you so bad you didn't go to the doctors for ten years and one experience so bad#that you couldn't even explain it at first without HARDCORE disassociating#it's hard to convince yourself that anything will ever be any better and that it won't make everything intensely worse for years
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Just a quick PSA of sorts...
as the title says, this is just a little psa sort of post, but anyways… i just wanted to take a second and say that it's come to my attention that i'm probably a person who misjudges boundaries more easily than i thought i did… sure, i feel like most of you guys i'm mutuals with, and chat even a bit with ooc are people i'm close to-- but i guess sometimes i let the line for that blur a bit too much, and don't end up picking on the fact that the other person i'm talking with might not feel the same way i do…
so in relation to that-- i'd just like to ask all my mutuals, that if we're chatting about something, and i bring up something that makes you uncomfortable-- or i try to send/do go ahead and send you something that you didn't want me to-- please, please make that clear with me-- be a little blunt or rude if you feel that's what needed for me to get it, but just… be clear with me, and communicate if i've done something to mess up and overstep anywhere, please…
#{|ooc post|}#i know the main person this was indirectly meant for isn't likely to see it...#but for the sake of wanting to say it for my mutuals as a whole as well-- i'm still gonna post...#and hell-- i might be taking this whole thing harder than i need to-- but still... i treasure all you guys--#so knowing i've done anything to fuck up a relationship we built or were trying to build... it fucking hurts--#and i guess just as a closing comment for this-- since i can't think of much else to add--#is that given my mood has now taken a dive thanks to this-- and thanks to the fact that i have cooking to do here soon--#it'll likely be a bit before i can manage any writing-- but... if i feel up to it this evening/tonight-- then i'll give it a shot--#either here or on at least one of my other blogs
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it is So Weird how working on my comic makes me feel like i have more free time. and gives me more free time. logically, working on 3 comic pages a week would mean i have Less Time. but no. despite everything, i'm getting more done and able to use my time better now that i'm working on comic pages again. what the hell is up with that.
#it's probably the structure and routine tbh i've been doing this for 6 years#i feel way less stressed about all the stuff i have to do than the 2 months i wasn't working on the comic#and arguably i have more to do now!!!!!#there's just so many little things that working on my comic helps me with. vital part of my daily and weekly structure#1) gives me a Main Goal to focus on every week and it's a goal that i know is achievable#2) gives me things to do almost every day that i am able to get started on right away and then will have free time later when i'm done#3) on days i'm not working on it i feel more comfortable doing things for fun or completing smaller tasks#4) because it's a weekly schedule i actually know what day it is now. completely lost track of the days before. made me really scared tbh#5) actually allows me to relax. the way i make pages means it's a lil bit mindless half the time. which is nice#i spent most of the last 2 months when i wasn't making comic in bed. because i had nothing else to do#now i am not doing that! because even when i'm not working on pages i have the motivation to do things!#this is an ironic post to make when i've spent like 6-7 hours today just playing fathomverse#but that's the thing!!!! instead of hating myself for doing that i still feel like i can get shit done!#also i already knew all this about making comics and how i function but. man idk how to put this#i spent the last 2 months struggling to do fucking Anything#and it was after i was so sure i could handle taking a break from the comic#and it was after lots of people have told me i need to put the comic down and get a job#or do anything that isn't making a comic#i have been working on the comic again for 9 days. and already everything feels more manageable#i literally Need to have projects like this. if i dont i will lose my mind. nobody tell me i need to do other things with my life ever agai
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dude. i am such a fucking selfish piece of shit.
#aghhhhhh yikes!!!!!!!!! yikes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i am so awful awful awful awful#& the worst part is it doesnt matter what i do because everything comes from terrible selfish motives#because i am just intrinsically BAD and i have never known how to do anything good#even when i am TRYING to be good & like treat people right i just. am failing. constantly.#like i am just such a self obsessed bitch. i'm so done i'm SO done .#i wish everyone would just TELL me!! just like ... SAY that i'm an awful person. & leave.#i am getting so tired of knowing that there's something bad bad bad about me & waiting for everyone else to also know it#or maybe they all know it already & theyre just not saying#which actually might be the case because if i weren't a bad person i think my life might be different#like i feel like my relationships wouldn't all look like this if i WEREN'T a bad person#like my mom told me for years that i was a bad person. my best friend of 8 years basically stopped caring about me the second i was out of#sight. i have NEVER been someone that people can love without changing a significant part of myself#& i think that's because i'm deeply wrong & bad#i actually can't tell at this point whether i'm trying to be better or if i've just convinced myslef that i am#i don't know i'm just ljke. whatever. okay. whatever! i'm just so selfish and bad. i'm so so so bad.#i feel so bad right now i need someone to punch me in the face or like stab me in the heart#**** ****** ** ******* ** ******* ***** * ******* **** ** ** *****#sorryy. okay. someone should fucking murder me like straight up i should be euthanized or something. bye#hello world
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