#i just cant get this idea out of my head like i NEED this in my life
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ok- so i see so much ronance angst and it makes sense for their characters, the shows and all yalls broken hearts
HOWEVER
that means that by default i have become the fluff master. for whatever reason, i cant get myself to make heartbreaking angst like everyone else unless its my own characters, so i will forever and always be fluffy. bittersweet from time to time, but fluffy
also a mutuals recent snippet killed me so i need a lil hurt/comfort typa stuff
here we go
robin helping nancys fear of steve’s pool
like i cant not imagine a pool party at steve’s with all the kids and nancy’s the only one who refuses to go in the water
steve(if he notices) doesn’t really feel worthy to help, so here comes robin
robin is immediately up next to nancy, chattin away like its another day
nancy knows robin can tell, which is why she appreciates it even more, even if she’s a little confused
when the kids all rush out of the pool to eat and cause a mess inside, followed by an exasperated Steve, Robin gently tugs on Nancy’s arm urging her to stay
They talk for awhile, about what happened, and why Nancy feels the way she does. Robin never pushes any of it, she simply offers her genius little ears to listen
When she’s finished, tears streaming down her face as she leans into Robin, the lanky girl just smiles down at her and pulls her up
Robin brings Nancy to the edge of the pool, stepping in herself and just.. standing. Nancy’s cnfused
“What are you doing?”
“Standing in the pool silly :)”
Robin holds out her hand patiently, smiling all the while Nancy has no idea what she’s doing
However, her curiosity gets the best of her, and delicately places her hand into robin’s
step by step, robin get’s nancy up to her knees in the water before she freezes, gripping onto Robin painfully
robin stops instantly, soothing her with gentle strokes on her arms
she’s gently praising her, but not coddling her. nancy hates being coddled
nancy gets the water to her upper thighs before she’s shaking her head, backing out of the water
robin lets her, following slowly
she’s surprised when nancy pulls her into a bear hug, mumbling a thank you into her chest
robin’s immediately stuttering out a “welcome”, patting the girl on the back
from then on, every time theyre at the pool, robin helps nancy get deeper and deeper unti she can float gently with a hand on Robin’s arm
the first time nancy dunks her head under, she panics. she shoots out of the water, immediately wrapping herself onto robin, who holds her tightly, soothing her with praise and soft touches
nancy feels like she might cry. she never thought she’d be able to step foot in any pool again, she never thought robin of all people would be so very patient and gentle with her
without much thought about it, she grabs onto robins face, shoving their lips together
robin squawks and freezes, but eventually relax
they spend the next few minutes just.. kissing. pouring all their love onto one another
when they finally walk into the house, giggling and smiling to themselves, steve is none the wiser, chalking it up to “girl things” as they called it
not sure how to end it so ima just cut it there
lemme know ur thoughts :)
#I FORGOT TO ADD TAGS-#ronance#i love these blorbos theyre my babies#been thinking abt this all yesterday and wrote tidbits all of today
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#sth#sth fanart#sonic the hedgehog#sonic the hedgehog fanart#silver the hedgehog#dadow#i like dadow for many reasons. one of them being the comedic potential#silver. the guy who cant lie to save his future. having to hide the fact that the guy he was raised by happens to be Shadow? like. cmon#my art#doodles#not as refined cause i just need to get ideas out instead of leaving them in my head and never drawing cause its not perfect.
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if escape rooms as team building exercises became popular im not sure if id be more excited or terrified
#if it isnt already anyway.. i can see it happening as a school frosh thing. idk if it would catch on as a workplace thing#i kind of find the concept of being locked in with strangers and working to find a way out weirdly exhilarating though#at least compared to icebreakers cause i dont have to spend 10 minutes racking my brain for something to blurt out abt myself#as a bonus u could like. put people into groups and give prizes to whoever escapes first second third etc. apparently they also do themed#escape rooms.. maybe let people pick a theme? or voluntary sign up? actually this would be really fun for smth like a blind friend date#although if i found out i was locked in a room with an online friend id be too excited to actually escape LOL#ive never done an escape room before so sadly i cant speak from experience. its like up there on things i want to try next to rug tufting#workshop and visiting new art exhibits or conventions. i seriously need to get out more if it wasnt for the horrors <- school and anxiety#i was planning to invite cass to a drop-in art workshop in town but neither of us could go bc typography is making us go thru hell and back#AND THEY HAD A BUTTON MACHINE TOO#im nostalgic bc i miss working in groups and not being awkward abt it or worrying abt schedule conflicts#i realized that i learn best in groups and its a little corny but i like sharing ideas and talking through a problem#in elementary i could just sit down with friends for review and come out of it energized *and* more familiar with the material#and i could technically still do it now. but as adults we're more picky abt who we work with on top of being way more busy outside school#maybe im lonely. im shy and grew up not talking to ppl unless i absolutely have to so its hard to make friends on my own i guess#only thing getting me thru it is telling myself that humans like helping and that my cringe is overblown in my head. but its hard#hence the escape rooms. i have been able to talk to 2(!!) people though!! mostly abt school stuff but im glad to be on friendly terms#i dont really know how to be happy these days cause im constantly scaring myself abt my portfolio and finding places to work#not being ambitious is part of not wanting to put energy into something that wont work out while also not having the passion to do literall#anything else.. i should probably talk to my counsellor ugh#yapping
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Steve’s parents being really strict on his cleaning habits, always complaining when he leaves something misplaced for more than a second. So when he comes over to Eddie’s for the first time without the shock of the upside-down on his back, he notices just how messy Eddie leaves his room and his van.
It’s a relief, really, a breath of fresh air. He can leave whatever is in his hand down on the counter or the coffee table without the anticipation of being yelled at for it. Steve still knows where he placed the keys because the anxiety of where he placed it still bites at him, but Eddie never calls him out, neither does Wayne.
Wayne is a bit neater than Eddie, but not nearly as his own parents, and he never says anything either. Steve’s not even sure if Wayne notices that those aren’t anyone’s keys he could recognize. Steve almost feels free in the Munson home.
#steddie#all of my followers ignore this im embarassed#i just had to get it out of my head#since i cant really write fanfics im not good#steve harrington#eddie munson#eddie isnt dead hes living in my frontal lobe right now#steve harrington x eddie munson#maybe i should start tagging my shitty little ideas somehow#1 so yall can block it 2 so i can find it later and either cringe or gush#hmm#maybe like#roman says stuff#now i need to remember that fuck
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#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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uhhh something something 'the only time a yakuza should laugh with his teeth is when he's with family or in trouble' something something arakawa gradually doing so more and more when hanging around jo something something Uh Oh™️
#arasawa#snap chats#DO WE GET WHAT I MEAN.#im not arguin semantics rn just listen to me im gripping you by the shoulders reader#it can go either way A.) arakawa gradually seeing jo as a part of his persoanl family opposed to The General Family#B.) you know how in fanfics theres that 'Oh. /Oh./' trope Yeah. i want big man to realize he's a lil doki doki for one of his guys#why the fuck i frame it like these arent in the same vein I CANNOT THINKKKKKK STRAAAIGHT#BUT NOOOO LISTEEENNNN i know bro would be SOOO conflicted. dare i say... he'd be in trouble SEE DO WE SEE WHAT IMEA#ok you can stop looking at me. im delirious. insane. delulu. its cause i cant draw rn its hard and my head hurts#ive been struggling with this idea for. WEEKS. i CANNOT find a way to make a comic out of it and its making me loco and mad#so im just throwing it out into the ether as Free Real Estate if anyone else wants a crack at it. or yk just so i can share it#LIKE THERE'S SOMETHING HERE I KNOW THERE IS I AM BRUSHING IT WITH MY FINGERTIPS BUT I CANNOT GRAB IT#you know it fuckin bad when i actually make a text post about it thats how you know Im At My Limit#driving me insane....... i just need everyone to know im rotating them like SSBB trophies....#anyway. yeah youre right i still havent drawn shit#UUUGGGHHHHH should... or shold i sleep....#let me try to force myself to sketch something and then ill run to my car and sleep there or somethin#idk. anyway bye i love the old people
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If I could do Fics With A Plot I'd probably attempt An AU Where Lauffey Dies And Odin Goes "Oh Hey, Frost Dudes, I Had Your Heir All Along :D He's Urs Now :D" Except Because This Is A Shit Plan It Does Not Go At All Well. Because it does bother me. Because I worry too much about fictional monarchies having the 'wrong' rules. D:
#this of course means odin has also has to tell his son “btw we lied to you. GUESS WHAT THO!! I GOT U A JOB!!”#and he sends Thor along because a) characters need other characters to talk to and b) he does in fact expect trouble#and I reckon after some sort of tense Confrontation about how if Lauffey wanted rid of his son he should have the guts to make sure he died#instead of leaving it to fate like a COWARD#Loki would - by power of poshness alone - manage to convince one or two Jotuns that he does indeed count as the heir#meanwhile: existential crisis D: D: D:#but hey free kingdom nothing to sneeze at eh? let's go! we can do this!#except (obviously) no. you can't. there is NO WAY there's nobody out there with a counterclaim.#and if your WORST ENEMY raised your new king (who has a questionable claim) you absolutely manage to find a third cousin from somewhere far#off who also has a shaky claim but - here's the thing - he's not an obvious attempt to impose Odin's puppet on your realm#and then Plot would unfold which is why i cant write this despite my Weird Niche Interests being aroused (NOT LIKE THAT) by this idea#also i would answer the “was there no mother involved? did she not mind the infanticide thing?” (could go either way on that really)#essentially Loki does have Scheming Politician energy but sometimes the task really is just impossible#but perhaps surprisingly the ending is a heartwarming reunion and maybe - MAYBE - some sort of vague apology#because that really was The Worst Fucking Plan Of All Time#okay someone stop me making a new file (you-and-whose-army.rtf) and writing the extensive notes i've now got in my head D:#(but an AU so not really!)#do you want a civil war on jotunheim because this is how you get a civil war on jotunheim#...oh no DO you want a civil war on jotunheim?! D: D: was THAT the plan??? D: D:#i'd totally throw in an Ambitious Consort Queen because those are my jam <3 <3 <3#fic-related#thor movies
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Hoo boy, miserable in the club 2night lads
#i cant draw#ive been trying all day and its just shit#then i open instagram and see 2 reel ideas ive been wanting 2 do but cant#bc 1 i cant draw so i cant do the draw urself as a clown and 2 i dont have enough finished pieces in enough colors to do the “my art is X”#like#fuck#fuuuuuck#i hate everything#why dont my hands want to do things#why cant i understand perspective#ive watched enough fucking tutorials by now#why cant i pose bodies interestingly why cant i draw how it looks when a torso is bent why do i draw the same shit over and over again#why cant i stay consistent why do i not have any construction lines besides the fucking head circle#why dont i plan things out more why why why why why AUGHHHHHHHHH#miserable night#im so pissed off at myself rn#i know how to do things so why am i not doing them like im supposed to#i had rhe whole day off and i spent most of it on my phone when i could have been drawing. now i need to get up in 6 hours#bc i decided that midnight was a good time to draw#and my fucking ankles still hurt like theyre sprained or broken or whatever#im so pissed#mini rant#mini vent#elliot rambles
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i think we're not talking enough about how when crowley drives away in the last episode he DRIVES UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT
#crowley#rewatched the last 2 episodes again and im positive the next season will have aziraphale trying his best to thwart the second coming#from inside heaven using bureaucracy and technicalities also that metatron has got a plot significant reason for going to such lengths to#get aziraphale#maybe because they could be strong enough to stop them destroying earth if they do miracles together because they're powerful as fuck#and he wants the second coming to happen#in my head we start off with aziraphale puttering about making plans and all and its rather funny and then we switch to crowley after#sndjdjendndndndndndndwatched the last 2episoded again. watched them. again.#anyone notice how we see how they're really like when not made to be someone they're not or do something they dont want to#ughh like how aziraphale likes to always move about doing something or the other with always a Goal in mind#and is polite bur also bitchy and bossy and stubborn and crowley mostly just hangs around him and watches whatever he does#loved aziraphale in this. hated how in the last episode we see how SURE they both are that they're on the same page about how they should#be together ideally.#like. theyre so sure the other person will say yes. aziraphale already said yes to bitchatron. crowley set up the nightingale song#i think this entire thing is to have aziraphale let go of the idea that heaven is inhenrently good and better than hell#devastating but. needs to happen#anyway. cant wait for season 3. they'll probably end up staying on earth. crowley was willing to leave earth bur aziraphale wanted to stay#and fix it from within. i think the best ending wouldn't be if they ended up running away to a random planet?#it would be perfect if they stayed on earth after fighting heaven and hell along with humanity and winning the war#if they're gonna fight on the side of humanity against heaven and hell we actually need azira out of heaven. mr angel pls come back#good omens
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Any valteil headcanons? C:
Oooo i have some! Even thought it`s little hard for me to form headcanons into text, but lets begin!
Most noticeable hc its his hair. Before godhood and meeting Fellowship, he had pretty long hair (i dont think while he was in church and adult he cut his hair. no big reason for that). Gonna say, his hair not in good condition. Quite dry and brittle though they are long.
While in travel, Valteil start getting pissed of hair, because it was too long (the hair gets into the eyes, often gets dirty, gets stuck everywhere, well, there is always a chance that they will be captured by enemies (well, or very annoying partners)) So he decided to cut it very VERY shirt.
And in new god form he just bald
(sketches to show this process)
Also one hc that i dont show often (at least in right way) its his little anger problem.
Of cource its not like "IM ANGRY!! DESTROY BOM BAM!!!", its more slowly and unshown (at least in early stages).
One of his negative personality trait its hes vindictive. Add that he is pretty closed and you get "im not angry, but i`ll explode at my peak if anger".
Mostly at the anger peak he will try not to harm reason of anger, even if he wants so ( reason of anger is other person), but when he is angry at himself, he might hurt himself like pulling out hair, scratching his face (but no cutting, his scars are mostly from blood rituals)
(old sketch for example)
Well, yeah i would mention that when hes pissed, angry, not in a good mood, he can swear (but not very often, hes smartass not swearass)
Well, what about something positive?
For example, Valteil love sweets!
Pies, candies, chocolate - he loves everything!
Sweets for him like a little thing that makes day better. Fair mention hes not really into sweet drinks
(sweet dreams, get it? hehehehe)
Also, because Valteil is very thin and physically weak, hes freezes easily. He tries to sleep in warm places, be more close to fire and etc. In Mahabre its not a big problem, i dont think it's very cold there.
One thing that i want to write, its that i hc him being the first, who joined Fellowship (aka told Francois about a chance to become godlike), or last (not including Nosramus, they joined in one time with Valteil i think).
And last thing i mention its his "connection" with sky.
In all of his moments of life, he looked at the sky and thought about future godhood/creation of life. Sky was some type of line that connected everything. Like you looking at the sky (especially when its a night) and imagine finishing last goal, tasting future victory. Something like that. I hope i explained understandable... (i hope that i would make it in pictures, like full art)
It`s not all of them, bot those that stuck in my head strong, ahahaha
#sorry for my bad english!!#i still need to think about him#bc i feel that im not very good showing him and his character#like you know... he is pretty twink in my style and i dont think that its him#like hes not like that but i cant show him right#sometimes its heavily eats me like “ugh why do you make him like that you just horrible” and this stuck in my head and i cant get rid off i#i need to work with that#or work with myself ahahahaha#i hope i didnt make him very out of character#i got cool ideas with him#and sorry for this sad moment
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(hella you dont have to answer this, just wanted to say it) i know you ofc know that grief is a really complicated n fickle feeling but. it is, so i hope u can give yourself that space to grieve and do whatever it takes...but also please take care of yourself. and we're both creators of stuff so i really get the feeling, but i promise youre not destined for getting worse or stuck in that. something similar happened to me my senior year and even if you didn't know him that well, you're allowed that space to feel too.
ik my words prob dont do much, and i dont pretend to know better than you about your hometown or life or anything like that, but im here if u wanna talk. i love u <3
thank you for this my love. this is so kind and you didnt need to say anything but you DID and im so grateful for that. i promise im okay and im very good at being able to tell what episodes are temporary and what are more serious, so i know this one is temporary and is more shock/natural sadness at hearing the news that will peter off over time, so im trying to just. let myself feel it all for now and then put it to rest after a couple days. im sorry you can relate at all, i feel like it's such a specific, strange kind of grief to explain, when it's someone you know very distantly and technically have no 'right' to grieve, because like you said, grief is complicated, and it doesn't care what right you have to it or not. which is something im having to remind myself of and tell myself im not being selfish or self-centred for feeling upset by this. ive reached out to one of my irls and im going to tell her tomorrow bc i trust her to be good about this, so as basic as that sounds that's a pretty huge thing for me and im hoping it'll help even if it is just. talking it out. idk. but i appreciate this and i appreciate you, ily bestie xx
#as much as i do blame my hometown i think a part of that anger/blame is a coping mechanism#bc it's easier to blame all the bad things that happen IN that town ON that town if that makes sense#and im aware it lacks nuance to narrow shit down like that but it makes it bearable for me#to just blame everything on this vague broad 'hometown' idea in my head#instead of truly delving into it bc that WOULD make me miserable#im so sorry to even delve into this for anyone idly reading bc i know this is very serious but i need to put it SOMEWHERE#like im twenty and SIX boys in my year have died#two were drug overdoses and one got pulled out of the river so we'll never know which of those were accidental or on purpose#one boy had leukaemia another got killed in a hit and run the day before his eighteenth birthday#and now this boy. and he fucking hung himself like i cant get that out of my head of all the ways to go he chose that#and of those six boys two of them were my cousins and one was seventeen when he overdosed and we're pretty sure it was an accident#which makes it WORSE like he would have known when the drugs were already in his system that it was too much#and he was just a child. he would have been so scared. and they're all just dead now and they keep dying#and i just feel so helpless and like in me getting out of that town i left them behind?#idk. im venting now im not expecting any of this to be addressed by anyone lmao the problem with most of it is that it CANT be addressed#like what can you do? just keep on going until the next one#ask#delete later
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i can feel every single nerve and organ and bone inside my body. an exercise in emptiness: what will the next thought in your head be?
#i feel like im going insane . went in the psych department w my friend again i decided to stop hating it for no reason except that its not#maths . why the fuck dont you study ? because the module name starts with a PS ? i need to love it without#feeling shame for myself . i feel like im gonna get into trouble with my university for prying open locked automatic doors at 1 AM but its#alright (that building is haunted anyway). its not about him but it is but it really isnt its about everything it means its about the way i#cant cry for myself the way i used to its the sadness and happiness and that im turning 20 soon and im going a little insane but im shocked#that i still have friends i love im shocked that i am loved im shocked that i dont feel disgusted thinking about him yet#(and ill look for a man to turn me into a hare just like you did when you did what you did)#when alt j 3ww said . f5 f6 f6 f5 f5#i constantly feel like my chest is about to explode and i have no idea why its a physical pain its great and also horrible#id like to rip out my ribcage and put a bird and some flowers inside it id like to rip out my sternum and pierce the thoughts with it#4 43 AM i have an exam about brains i stared at a vintage photo of a brain pinned and labelled i learned the names and positions of sulci#im learning about magic (action potentials) and gates inside your brain and every day i learn how hard your body tries to keep you alive#(his lips turn sharp when he smiles) (choking on flowers and music and fear) (feel every feeling inside my throat feel metal at the back#of my head) (i miss your hard edges i miss your bone marrow)#hypothesis : perhaps if i put my lips on someone elses lips and i dont let go of them for a few hours ill be okay#needle (sharp like the spice in what i made you) shooting 5 mg of haldol straight into the hypothalamus . gave myself a concussion and#since that night my head has been blooming . the violin today felt like liquid gold . moderato - spiritoso - the bow turned my heart inside#out . id like to scream and i have no idea why but one day i will turn my vertebrae into a bouquet of flowers for you all.#yesterday my boy with the beautiful hair looked at me and held me tight enough that i heard his heartbeat (or maybe it was mine)#for a second or two and i wish i could lean on him for this except his heart has been crushed by the mathematician discerning eyes#for a while and a half .#dyed your hair red i dyed your hair brown youre on my bed and your hand touches my hand and every day i am amazed by the way your mind#turns my guts and my heart inside out#for a second or two and i wish i could lean on his bony shoulders for this except his lungs have filled with water#for a while and a half . dyed your hair red i dyed your hair brown youre on my bed i stare at the grace of her hands you are evidence#that angels and pomegranate seeds and create the economist of our dreams . game theory and good actions by any other name .#she makes the sound the sea makes knee deep in the north sea
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Getting really anxious about romance. I just can't cope with it right now. Its just. I feel like everything is so hopeless and I'll never find anyone or anything. I thought moving here was my chance to meet likeminded people but it almost feels like everyone here is worse and its only just so much more pressure now that I'm living in the real world and I still struggle so hard to date. I just want to find myself a person but who could love this. Who is going to meet me and we click and I'm able to be all of me and they still love me. And i still love them. And its not complicated. Its always going to be complicated. Because how does someone just simply love this??? Fuck. I just dont know how to deal with this. How do people just find love?? Everywhere I go I'm more and more alone. What do I do?? How do I do this??
#fucking. panic writing. so fasf bc like. i cant deal#its all crashing down on me#I should really stop listening to this album to be fair#but like. its all just crashing down on me#I feel like it'll never be okay. I'll never find a person.#everything ive made love out to be in my head cant be real because I still dont have any idea who the fuck I am.#I'm so tired.#and watching all of these failing relationships around me and listening to them try so hard to convince me this is how it should be#its like. really fucking with me.#is love even real?? and if it is can I ever have it?? did I miss my one shot by not knowing who I was?#I still dont even know who I am#I will keep missing every chance I get#theres nothing I can do.#I need to find myself a therapist here#one I can talk to about system stuff too bc like. I'm so fucking tired of navigating this alone. its so hard.#sad posting#idk... I'm just freaking out right now. i need to be less alone. i need someone. i need someone.
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Tired tag vent 😞
#collecting my thoughts#seriously though why cant i do a read more on mobile#ah whatever. the informality of tags feels better for this. i guess.#just. anxious. i was chill all day everything was fine granted i was tired as hell cause i alept like shit#and now all my anxieties are hitting me! suddenly heart palpatations! yayy!!!#maybe i should not have watched better call saul before bed i shoulda done aomething more chill#granted i was getting j ro that funk where i didnt want to do anything but k couldnt aleep yet#going to implode head going to turn j to a great big fireball#theres just a lot all at once but its not even really that much im just a nervous wreck#i start school soon. never filed my fafsa for some godforsaken reason. hopefully i can focus through that#the place i replied to stopped replying abruptly while trying to digure out skmethjn with their website#had a weirsly atreasful time dealing with healthcare stuff#ambient worry about self image and my current situation and the future#aocial worries that i cant even vent about anymore because relevant people follow me now#not that thats a bad thing that's a net positive love havin friends#sparking with nonsense i need to ramble about but i cant cause its all just non issues and pity party stuff and hrg#the one thjng ill grant myself is oh my god maybe entering that relationship before was a bad idea now i know what it feels like#to be in love and i want that again so so bad#exploding again#i need to shower someone with love and affection jfc#maybe thisll pass or get less with time hopefully it does#but man its bad#as part of my weird sleep nonsense dreams last night there was one where i was in a relationship with fucking JERMA.#and it wasnt a dirty dream or anything we were just a tender couple talking about mundane shit and i rest my head on his shoulder and#ok now im getti g sodetracked because why the FUCK was it JERMA?? it coulda been my actual crush! that woulda made sense!!#hes not even my type!!!!!! god. anyways back to my crippling anxiety remembering that dream lightened my mood a little at least#heartrate atill funky but less overthinking#anyways going to pass out now its 1 and ive been exhausted all day that was enough no sense rambling#good night reader
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#just turning over the idea of executive functioning issues in my head part by part. impulse control. im extremely tightly controlled. im the#best at control. the only times im impulsive is when someone asks me something and my brain doesn't work well in the moment so i tend to b#like fuck it: says something that might fuck me over later bc im like whatever itll prob b fine lol. but mostly not an issue. emotional#control. i dont lash out at ppl except myself i guess. ill sometimes have freak out meltdowns bc i get so frustrated with myself plus mood#weirdness. so not great. flexible thinking. im pretty rigid. if plans randomly change theres like a 1 in 3 chance ill freak out and start#crying and it takes me a long time to adjust to the idea that i have to chsnge something. and things tend to have to b a certain way#not for any reason in particular. thats just how it has to b. i have to eat the same foods. operate at the same times. do thr same things.#thats just how it is. and i find it difficult in social situations to adapt to the flow of convention bc its like but we're talking abt thi#now but something just interrupted and we aren't going abck to that thing. i dont make it other ppls problem but its uncomfortable for me.#working memory. my memory is pretty fucked. self monitoring. im good at that. too good. im pathologically self reflective. planning &#prioritizing. i can plan but i cant prioritize for shit. i will spiral for hours doing nothing bc i can't decide what comes 1st.#task initation. im good at torturing myself into getting things done but i anxiously avoid a lot of things but once i start its like: im in#this mode now. no i cant fucking stop i need this to b done. i need to sit here and finish it otherwise i wont come back to it. i cant do#moderation its all or nothing. all school and nothing outside of that. cant send mail. cant clean sink. i see it and kno i need to do it an#then i just walk away from the disaster area. organization. is ok. it looks a disaster but i only exist in like 3 places so i dont lose#things often but i dont remember where i put things once i put them down i have to deduce where i would have put it. does that paint the#picture of executive functioning issues or rigid and restrictive compulsive behavior paired with self destructive impulses leading to#absolute mental exhaustion which is y things arent getting done? could b either or both. idk my ability to do things 95% of the way and wal#away leaving a mess that ill never come back to strikes me more as the former but what do i#still its worth considering bc i do have an amazing to control myself in a way that's completely out of my control. maybr my start/stop#switch is just fucked idk. slow down and reorient says my counselor u never stop to rest. shes right but also im a grad student stopping#would mean death u gotta keep swimming and doing more than u should. thats how it is#but im so tired and i only get more and more tired. so somethings gotta give eventually#unrelated#i forgot focus. my focus is good sometimes and sometimes my brain is moving too fast and i cant focus at all. its static#but focus is not a thing i cna control
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my game is still doing the infinite loading screen glitch no matter what i do, save for take out my entire build/buy folder. i think my game is just overloaded with mods, so i’ll probably have to purge and rebuild my mods folder, or wait until i can update my computer so it’s stronger. idk what else to do
#i have a headache#im so upset about this :( i wanted to take screenshots so bad#i had such a cute idea for a post and i cant even execute it bc my game only works when i take out a significant portion of mods#i thought maybe there were conflicts but i did the 50/50 method and couldnt replicate the glitch#and i used mod conflict detector to delete 10gb of mods but im still getting the glitch#it only happens when i have my full folder in#granted it is 117 gbs lmfao but i need the stuff for storytelling#every other storyteller uses intense cc builds and i love that style! i love making realistic lots#the idea of having to go minimalist makes me so upset. building is so much fun for me#im just really upset over this. i dont know when i’ll be able to post again#this year ive only made like maybe ten posts it makes me feel awful :(#i love my story so much. it is my greatest source of comfort#being unable to create puts such a huge hole in my chest#im gonna try to save the cc from my builds like the straud house/farm and my characters homes#and then delete the rest of the cc and probably only download lots from very specific people to keep my bb to a minimum#but i just hate having to do that bc im scared i’ll delete something i really needed#i just hate change so much it literally ruins my day lol my head HURTS#so i guess i’ll be on an indefinite story hiatus until i can sort this out. :(#sorry im always complaining on here its just that literally nothing ever goes right lol
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