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thebibliosphere · 9 months

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Hi there, ive come from your post about ADHD and emotional disregulation, firstly thank you so much for putting it into words, its such a complicated part of how i deal with emotions and i havent ever been able to articulate how to why.

Secondly, in that post you mentioned how you've used stress as a motivator and how eventually your stress regualtion broke, i was wondering if you'd be willing to talk about that? (If not, its not a problem)

I feel like the same thing has happened to me but until i read your post i had no idea that something had... snapped? I suppose? I struggle with motivation all the time and in the past id have a week or a few days left and id be able to suddently push myself very hard to complete whatever it is before the deadline, just barely making it in most cases. However now it seems that i can't find that motivation anymore, deadlines come and pass and i can't being myself to work on anything, and i just end up spiralling into shame and guilt. That motivation was the only thing that I was able to rely on sometimes for things like uni, and i conviced myself that it was just me growing lazy or trying to get out of responsibility as to why the "last minute panic-mode" doesnt work anymore.

Again, if you don't wanna tackle this can of worms or if it's something youd rather not post online i totally get it, its no biggie! thanks so much for making the original post as well, it means a lot

Hello friend, thanks for the message. I'm sorry you're also dealing with this.

The good news here is that I've already talked about this using the rubber band analogy my therapist gave me. (Stress is like a Rubber Band)

If you don't have the mental bandwidth to read all of it now, the tl;dr is "stress is like a rubber band; it can stretch to hold numerous things in place when you need to, but if you do it too often or keep adding more and more strain under the band, the elastic eventually becomes brittle and snaps, taking your mental and sometimes physical health with it too."

I've been in intensive therapy for this for roughly three years now, and trying to piece my brain back together after my last bout of stress-induced productivity gave me a total mental breakdown.

It's... odd not being able to use stress and having to actively avoid it to avoid a relapse. But it is doable. Medication would help, but alas, I've got weird health issues and am unmedicated at the minute.

(And just in case that sparks anyone to go, "Oh, you do all this unmedicated! Wow, that's so inspiring!" as sometimes parents do to me on here as they then tell me they don't want to medicate their kids, I've unfortunately also written a post about what that kind of success looks like from an unmedicated perspective and the kind of suicidal ideation I deal with on the regular because I cannot take meds. It is not pleasant reading, but it is necessary for some folks, specifically anti-med, "if you just tried harder" people.)

A book you may find helpful is Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. It was very validating for me to read about other people going through the same things, and made me feel less of a "this is a personal failing on my part" and more of a "Oh okay yeah, no stress literally breaks people."

It helped soothe some of my own internalized "I just need to try harder" and helped cement me on the path I was already going down with my ADHD therapist toward changing how I view myself and how I manage my ADHD.

I hope that helps! If you've got more specific questions or I didn't touch on something in my old post, I can try to answer them :)

#chronic health tag #adult adhd #adhd

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silentmoths · 11 months

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At your beck and call

Its moth, crawling out of the covid cave to drop this and then going back to bed.

wont lie this idea has been on my mind for the better part of a week, but between work and then being smashed by the ol' rona I havent had the energy, plain and simple. but I'm starting to get that back.

sorry if it seems a little rushed, brain wanted it OUT.

Butler! Zhongli x CEO (Afab) Reader.

Nsfw, does this count as office AU? i think it does?, humiliation kink if you squint?, aftercare because even when he's mean zhongli is an aftercare king.

You had never entertained the thought of hiring a live-in personal butler until one of your friends had mentioned it. She’d gone on and on about how her much time having one had saved, and how it gave her the peace of mind to relax every once in a while, a luxury you can't remember the last time you afforded as the ceo of a major company, sure you had secretaries, but they only worked within the firm, and your life?

God you needed a secretary for life.

Even then. It took you a few more months to finally cave and look into it. The agency you find has raving reviews; there’s an interview process, which takes another few weeks for you to finally sit down and do. They ask you many questions about your lifestyle, and what you need out of their service, and then it’s left in their hands.

And so, a week later, you receive a knock at your door.

Tall, sharp features, immaculately dressed.

But his eyes.

Holy shit his eyes.

Molten gold, almost shimmering in the morning light as your new butler bows to you. One gloved hand over his heart.

“Good morning Miss. My name is Zhongli.The agency has analysed your lifestyle and have thus extended your contract to me.” He explains.

Well damn, in the looks department alone you’d be leaving them a five-star review.

—

Your first proper morning with Zhongli working for you was…hectic.

Your morning alarm didn’t go off, thankfully your body-clock was pretty on point, but still, you’d slept in ten whole minutes, throwing off your schedule.

You barely even noticed that your clothes had already been laid out in the bathroom as you whirlwind through your bedroom to get ready, simply picking up the neatly folded pile as you went.

You resign yourself to a breakfast smoothie as you flurry into the kitchen, you simply didnt have any time to cook, and you’d have to clean the blender when you got home-

“Ah, good morning Miss. I trust you slept well?” Zhongli asks as he places down a plate of bacon and eggs at your usual spot in the breakfast nook. You stop, blinking at him with wide eyes.

“W-whats that?” you ask him, brain still not quite with it yet.

“Breakfast?” He counters with a tilt of his head. “Simply one of my duties.”

Right…

Right you had a secretary for your life now…

And fuck, he could cook.

You don't remember the last time you’d sat down, in your own house, eating a hot, home cooked meal for breakfast…usually it was toast, or if you didn’t have time to sit, the aforementioned smoothie that you really hated, but it was better than nothing, because when else would you have time to eat during the day?

But no, breakfast had been made for you, served with coffee and even the morning newspaper. Zhongli looks…immaculate as always, smile on his face as he cleans up and announces he will be awaiting you in the car.

That first day…no, the first week was such a learning curve… between him driving you everywhere, keeping you blessedly on time for your meetings, he also seemed to know exactly what you needed, sometimes before even you knew.

He sometimes appears with a small plate of cookies, and a mug of hot coffee, made just the way you like it, just as your mood was beginning to wane, and immediately you feel better.

As the weeks stretch on and deadlines draw closer, you find that he’s also an amazing sounding board, and your nights become a little less weary with someone else there to fill the silence, even as he silently goes about tidying your home, he’s never too far away.

—

Something around the latter half of the year just really made all your client’s extra demanding.

Your staff were overworked.

You were overworked.

You find yourself staying up later and later into the night, going over plans and documents, trying to sort all of this…this mess into something cohesive for both yourself and your poor staff.

You rub at your temples with a ragged sigh. What time was it now? You don't think you want to know…

A soft clink beside you draws your attention to a fresh cup of tea and you startle.

“Oh, Zhongli…I-I thought you’d be asleep by now..” you murmur softly, leaning back in your chair. Your butler simply smiles at you, even now at god-knows-what time passed midnight, he was still dressed in his usual work suit. “You should be too, Miss.” he tells you softly, but not condescendingly, like a worried friend.

“I cant yet.” you sigh, motioning to the armageddon of papers strewn across your desk “I need to get this sorted before the next review meeting but…augh I dunno…I just…I cant concentrate.”

“That would be because you are stressed, and tired.” Zhongli points out, chuckling softly at your side eye before he shifts, walking around your desk to come to a stop behind your chair. “Here… perhaps this will help…” he murmurs more to himself than to you, and suddenly his hands are on your shoulders, lithe, careful fingers pressing into your trapezius muscles. You grunt and wince a little, having been totally unaware of how tense your shoulders had been until now.

“Shh, just take a deep breath and relax.” Zhongli’s deep voice rumbles behind you as he slowly massages at the tension, his hands are gentle, but expert, and it takes you longer than it should to realise that he's not wearing his gloves for this. “Now…tell me what the matter is…”

With another set of eyes, and a clear explanation of what you need, by the time he’s worked all the tension from your shoulders, you’ve finally got a clear plan, and immediately set to work sorting and organising the moment his warm, surprisingly soft hands finally leave your shoulders.

Once all is said and done, you turn to your butler.

“Thank you, Zhongli…I…don't think I could have done that without you here.”

You’re met with a dashingly handsome, genuine smile, and a graceful bow of his head.

“It was my pleasure, Miss. I am here to aid your every whim.”

—

Meeting after meeting after meeting.

If you had to speak to one more person demanding things of you and your company today, you were going to scream. The sight of your black sedan, waiting dutifully for you outside the sliding glass doors at the end of the day was almost enough to make you cry as you all but collapse into the back seats with a groan.

“How were the investors today, Maam?” Zhongli asks, a twinkle of amusement in his eyes as he watches you in the rear-view.

“They could invest in some chill.” you mutter, taking a few moments before forcing yourself to sit up, knowing full well Zhongli wouldn’t move this car an inch until you had your seatbelt on.

“I hazard to say you could also do with, as you say, some chill.” He adds as he easily merges into the busy afternoon traffic. “You’re working yourself to the bone.”

“It’s just another month.” you sigh “investors always get antsy this time of year…”

“You said that last month too, you know.”

“Did I?” you groan, pinching the bridge of your nose “Hey…when we get home…could I have another one of those massages?”

You loathe to admit how…reliant you had become on Zhongli’s ability to get the tension out of your shoulders, ever since that first night when he’d helped sort out your work with you, you’d been asking every other day or so for one, it was just so nice to relax into his care while you vented the day’s frustrations away, or soundboarded with him.

“Oh I think I can manage that.”

“Where would I be without you…?” you mumble softly as you let your eyes shut for a moment, just a moment to rest your aching eyes.

As it stands, that moment ends when Zhongli’s gentle hand on your arm rouses you. “Wh-wassgoinon?” you mumble, looking around.

“We’re home, Miss….you looked like you needed the rest so I didn’t rouse you.” Zhongli murmurs softly, reaching past you to fetch your bag.

He smells of tea, and spices…warm…comforting.

—

You groan softly as his fingers press insistently into your shoulders.

“You’re extra tense today…” Zhongli murmurs softly, leaning over to look you in the face “are you alright?”

“I-I…yeah…just…stressed I think.” you sigh, leaning your head to the side so he can get better access to your neck. You’d never admit it, but you were pretty sure at this point you were just craving his touch, you just…didn't have the time for skinship these days, how you’d managed to survive before hiring him? You had no idea.

Behind you, Zhongli hums.

“May I try…something different?” He asks quietly, rather unlike him, usually when he did something, he did it with confidence that you would be alright with it, and so far he’d never been wrong…why ask now? “I think your stress runs deeper than a simple shoulder massage can handle.” he adds when you look over your shoulder at him.

“I mean…I trust your judgement Zhongli…whatever you think I need…” you mumble.

You expect a change in his technique, maybe working a little further down your spine perhaps?.

Not to suddenly be thrown forward, chest pressed against the dark mahogany of your desk by a single,strong hand against your spine to keep you there as you gasp in shock.

“Z-Zhongli!?” you gasp, looking over your shoulder at your calm, gentle butler.

Only to find a sharp, seductive smirk plastered to his lips. His golden eyes are dark, predatory, you should be afraid.

Keyword: Should.

You watch, dumbstruck as he licks his lips, ripping your jeans straight off your legs like they were nothing, his ungloved hand grazing up the back of your thigh, and that touch alone has your eyes rolling back and a half-bitten moan falling from your lips. Gods how long had it been?

“Hmm, needy little thing, aren’t we? Thrown against your desk by your own butler and you don't even have the decency to be afraid?” Zhongli chuckles darkly as he shoves two fingers into you; the mix of pleasure and pain is enough to have your spine arching “Looks like I was right…you do need more than a little massage hm?”

“G-god…please…” you whine, the humiliation of the situation only making you hotter as he roughly thrusts his fingers, occasionally scissoring them to stretch you open, his other hand shifting from your spine to wrap around the base of your neck, holding you still as he works you open.

This new, rougher side to him…you didn’t know you wanted it...but god damn he was driving a hard bargain, plus it’s not like this wasn't something you may have thought about on a rare occasion or three… you’d just expected it to be…slower, gentler, but this? You could work with this.

“Please…? Please what?” he purrs, leaning over to nip at your ear “what do you want from me? I am at your every beck and call.” His words are low, dangerous, but genuine, and you shudder.

“You-!” you choke “please g-god, Z-Zhongli I want you to fuck me-”

One moment there’s fingers, the next moment nothing, and you want to cry, the petulant whine only being held back by the sound of a belt buckle.

“Well, I suppose it’s a good thing I’m at your service.”

And then he roughly bucks his hips and good gods.

Considering he wore such fitted trousers, where the hell had he been keeping that??

That mix of pleasure-pain is back, but more intense this time; you definitely had not been wet enough, and yet? You wouldn't have wanted it any other way, the pain added it’s own flavour to your desire as Zhongli pins you against your desk, breathing ragged into your ear as he wastes no time, setting a brutal pace from the start that has papers and stationary clattering off your desk.

“So tight” he hisses “how long has it been since you’ve had a good fucking?”

Something about Zhongli swearing like that feels so wrong, but oh, so right in the moment.

For a moment, paperwork and meetings are the furthest thing from your mind as Zhongli shoves you even further onto your desk, free hand hiking your hips up so he can slam into you all the harder, the only sounds emanating within your study are the wet slapping of skin, and your cries of ecstasy.

He’s not gentle, and deep, deep down, you’re glad for it.

You needed this, spending every damn day for the last five years telling everyone else what to do? You needed this…loss of control.

Much like everything else in the last six months, Zhongli knew exactly what you needed, when you needed it, and before you even realised you needed it.

“Whats the matter? Nothing to say?” He grunts into your ear as he grinds himself so deep into you, you’re seeing stars. “You’re always so talkative…”

You can only moan pathetically in response, eyelids fluttering as he fucks you down into the table, his words are harsh, and humiliating, but all they do is draw your orgasm closer, barely even registering what he’s saying.

Your orgasm hits you like a freight train, one moment you’re seeing stars as your butler bullies his massive cock into you, the next minute your world turns white.

—

“Shh, try not to move…I wasn’t gentle with you.” Zhongli’s tone is back to being kind and gentle after…how many orgasms did he just force you through? You’d lost count…all you know was that it had still been light out when he’d first shoved you down…now as he passes by a window with you cradled gently in his arms, it was pitch black outside.

Gentle lips press to your temple as he perches on the edge of the bathtub, holding you on his lap with one arm while he reaches over to get the water started. Wetting a washcloth to clean away a good portion of the mess beforehand.

Your body aches, but in the best possible way. You feel…breathless and comfortable, fuzzy.

You wince as he lowers you into the hot water, your muscles tensing at the sudden heat before relaxing again. Zhongli watches you with a soft look. Even coming off the back end of some amazing sex, he still somehow managed to look stupidly put together, if not even more alluring with his lack of suit jacket; it had been abandoned sometime during round… three you think? One moment it was on, the next moment, you’re being pressed onto your back, the jacket is gone, and he’s rolled the sleeves of his dress shirt up to his elbows and you’re at his mercy.

The lip of a water bottle presses to your lips, his other hand gently supporting the back of your head as you drink.

“How do you feel?” he asks once you’ve drunk your fill for now, like that switch that had turned him from the kind and courteous butler you had known to….whatever that zhongli was, had never flipped at all.

Despite this, you smile at him.

“I feel like…I need to ask you to do that again more often, Zhongli.”

To his credit, your ever-so-handsome butler laughs. It’s a warm, hearty sound, one that fills you with no small amount of joy.

“I am here to serve your every beck and call, I’m sure I can work this into the schedule.”

Taglist: @stygianoir @meimeimeirin @ainescribe @dustofthedailylife @rjssierjrie @crystalflygeo @angel-of-requiem @asoulsreverie @zomzomb1e Want to be added to the list? shoot me an ask~

#Silentmothwrites #Zhongli x reader #Zhongli x reader smut #Zhongli genshin

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goldenqingxin · 3 months

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here's a little snippet of something im working on (yes i know i havent updated LOB in a month. leave me alone) ☁︎ jercy, au where they kinda remember each other from when they're at the same place, same time. inspired by e106 at 8:28. also, percy swears like a sailor because i said so. ☁︎

“Watch out!”

“Oh, shit–”

He’s on the floor and he can’t feel his jaw. His fingers are tingling in a very painful way. He swears up and down he hasn’t had his life flashing before his eyes, but like, he feels like he’s dying. It hurts like hell.

“You okay?”

The sight that greets him is nothing short of confusing– a tall, blond boy, around his age or maybe younger, with a purple shirt written SPQR on it. He stands in front of him, crouched just enough to shove his calloused hand in his face. (Why in the world is it rough like that? He looks hardly twelve but he has the fingers of a carpenter.)

“What’s up with the shirt? Are you LARPing?” he asks, not even cursing his lack of filter this time. He’s in a freaky casino with friends who just about forgot they were on a mission to stop World War III. Not that he remembers the details much anyway…

“What’s that?” The boy asks in return. “It’s just a camp shirt.”

Huh, almost like Camp Half-Blood’s. The leather cord on his neck rubs at the skin there. It’s bound to leave a red mark with how tight it is against his nape.

He takes the boy’s hand to get back up on his feet. The last thing he expected was that stupidly strong grip and the sliver of a smile on the boy’s face when Percy nearly fell over. His hand starts tingling again.

“Jason Grace,” the boy tells him cryptically.

“Percy Jackson,” he answers, because obviously the guy told him his own name.

“You don’t sound like you’re from around here,” Jason says. He has this accent, one Percy can’t really place– something between animalistic and terribly Silicon Valley.

“And you sound like you’re definitely from L.A.”

He’s not stupid enough to waste his time here, talking to this very pretty guy (where did that come from?) in a very strange casino, with two of his friends gods-know where. Or at least, he thinks that for half a second before–

“What kind of camp makes kids wear something from Ancient Rome?”

His eyes drop to Jason’s hand on his hip.

“And what the fuck is with that sword?!”

Jason’s eyes widen, like he’s about to run away. It’s not a good look on him. Percy almost backtracks, or slams his hand against his mouth just to shut himself up for one damn second, but Jason beats him to the chase.

“You can see the gladius?”

“Why are you saying it like you actually speak latin?” is what Percy answers with, because oh yeah, I’ve got my own sword too, but it’s named Anaklusmos or I can speak Ancient Greek, how cool is that! isn’t the best thing to reply with in this context.

Jason looks– conflicted, at first. There’s some doubt in his stormy eyes, and they begin to resemble Annabeth’s more and more as they cloud over.

Oh shit, Annabeth–

“I left my friends back, oh shit, I gotta be out of here as soon as I can, it’s almost the solstice..,” he mutters, more to himself than to Jason, but it finally gets a reaction out of him that isn’t a (practically) blank stare. Not that he minds.

“Yeah, it’s tomorrow. What kind of deadline do you have in the middle of summer though? I thought classes were over.”

The way he says it is almost comically uncertain, like he has no idea how the school system works in America. Which is, honestly, fair. Percy doesn’t either.

Wait.

“Tomorrow? Nah, no way. We’re the 17th. Did you hit your head too?” He laughs, more out of obligation than anything– Jason’s eyes are downright scrutinising now, and in some other context when they’re both older it would’ve been nice but right now it just scares the shit out of him.

“No, I got here just five minutes ago. We’re the 20th.” It’s the way he says it so matter-of-factly that really gets on his nerves.

He grabs the first person that passes by them– some scrawny kid with black hair, and asks them the date once and for all.

His heart stops when the answer is “March 12th, 1932.”

He glares at Jason and sees him glaring back, and that’s all it takes before they’re running to the entrance to look outside the glass doors.

It’s pitch black, and Percy hasn’t been here for more than an hour. It was noon when he walked in.

“The Lotus Eaters,” he mumbles.

“Like, from the Odyssey?” Jason asks, his voice squeaky and scared. It’s the first actual emotion he sees on the guy’s face– literal fear.

“Fuck.”

Jason hums in agreement.

“Well, good luck to you, man,” Percy says before bolting away back to where he last left Annabeth and Grover. He prayed for them to still be there, and for there to still be time left if they make it out of here.

He doesn’t quite catch the small mumble of his name falling off Jason’s lips.

It sounds great when he says it.

#pjo #percy jackson #jason grace #jercy #peep the di angelo cameo #UNLIKE IN THE SHOW.#fanfic #wip #hes acting like a dumbass but he's 12 #its VERY hard to write the thoughts of an adhd 12yo #i tried!

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tmmyhug · 7 months

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i wanna get into working out or at least stretching or something but if i don't see results right Now i will not do it again :( i wanna become magically strong and have more stamina

anyway that leads to a question for you, as a fellow adhder. how did you start and manage to mantain working out?

ITS ONLY BEEN A FEW WEEKS DONT JINX ME i havent maintained crap yet... (if anything the reason im able to go so far is bc of leftover muscle from hiking everywhere in france this summer). but as someone whos been trying to start working out for 2+ years now this is how i finally got started:

first u gotta break it down into itty bitty little steps. decide what youre going to do. your brain will never get you in motion if all you know is that you need to do this nebulous thing called "working out." is it cardio? stretching? strength training? pilates? for me i decided on 40 minutes of running + 20 minutes of cooldown stretching. its ok if you're unsure bc this can always change later ofc.

next figure out Where u can do this and how to get the resources. do you have space at home? do you need a to go to a local gym for certain equipment? do you need weights? youtube video guidance? a yoga mat? workout clothes? etc. list all of this down very deliberately. even if it feels obvious! it helps frame it to yourself as if you are just considering it. ie. if I was going to work out, how would i do it? not. i am Going To Work Out and Therefore I Need This Stuff Immediately. that will just overwhelm you.

this will give you a roadmap to sidestep all the little places we get Stuck when we're trying to do something. for example, i've had moments in the past where i was suddenly struck by motivation and decided to go workout immediately, but then my dri-fit shirts were all in the laundry and i didn't want to wear anything else to get sweaty, so I just. stalled and never ended up going. but this way, I knew beforehand to keep my dri-fit shirts aside, so they were ready when I wanted them. prepping helps get these obstacles out of your way before you start trying.

routine. routine routine routine!!! i am slowly learning that the magic of Getting Stuff Done is like 10% actual motivation and 90% just making it a regular habit. plan this into your schedule like it's rocket science. for example, mine looks like this. 12:00 PM: get out of class 12 - 12:30 go home 12:30 - 1 eat lunch (pre-prepped, because Food Is Hard) 1 - 1:30 scheduled zoom meeting 1:30 - 2 change into workout clothes and go to the gym 2 - 2:40 treadmill workout 2:40 - 3 stretching 3 - 3:30 go home 3:30 - 4 shower this won't always happen beat for beat, but that doesn't matter. it just needs to be a guideline that makes it feel doable.

make sure you put the workout at a time where you'll actually feel up to doing it. you can say you want to get up at 6AM and go workout all you want but when the time comes if you just lay in bed it won't happen. be realistic about what you can accomplish or you'll just beat yourself up over not doing it.

go easy on yourself. there are no deadlines for this and if you push too hard too fast you'll burn out or injure yourself and it'll be even harder to get back into it. make your goals as small as they need to be! 10 minutes of stretching is way more approachable than a full hour of working out, so if that's where you start, that's totally fine! i started with a five minute ab workout video like. once a week. the most important part is doing just what you can rather than what you want to but can't.

ending here before i get too preachy. i sound exactly like my adhd coach gdi. but this is what seems to work for me!! i hope it helps you <33 also if anyone has tips they want to add feel free!

#ask #esynk #adhd posting

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vogelmeister · 2 months

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actually having a massive dilemma bc of eurovision this year and its both ethical and personal. basically last year i went "ava you need a hobby" and i was like "goud is my hobby" and then i was like "something else ava" and so as my new years resolution was to get back involved in my drama society at uni. i miss performing so much. they had auditions for their first spot but i literally couldnt audition as there was no role for me and also i was in my hometown that weekend of auditions and had a concert the other night.

anyways they announced auditions for the open spot (which realistically funnily enough is where i'd pitch goud if i were to pitch goud but sometimes i feel i'll never be confident enough in myself to do that bc it is a very personal work to me at its core. also i'd need a co-director and i almost dont trust someone else with directing these characters) and i flipped through the thingy and what do you know? i can make auditions and there is a role for me. unfortunately i looked at the show dates and it happens to be a certain week in may.

with talk on the town of boycotting eurovision because of israel (which i do not support israel being there i always found it odd bc they arent europe and thats big words coming from an australian) and the ebu flipping around until the song deadline on whether or not to ban them, i have found myself less enthusiastic about this year compared to others. i was talking to someone about how israel (or the not finnish blue and white flagged place) basically is the elephant in the room hindering this, but even so, i only have a handful of entries i really put on repeat (netherlands, croatia, finland) from this year. so the whole situation is affecting my excitement for the event, and you'd think this would make it easier but its not. bc it still is my favourite event of the year and while i can participate in everything to do with the season, to do this and then not watch the finale is a waste to me. so now im at a dilemma with what to even do bc i'd love to be on stage again but it comes at a cost, and i'd love to watch eurovision but it also comes at the cost of a certain not finnish blue and white place being there.

so like, i made a list but this is somehow worse. bc like, i feel like i dont win either way.

watching it

i won't feel depressed bc eurovision is important to me and boycotting it will probs mean sacrificing a huge part of my mental health

i already have watching plans with someone

people in my life know me as the eurovision girl and will ask me about it / i hate being vocal like this (i think its bc people wont take me seriously and i struggle to articulate thoughts regardless especially in situations like that)

joost klein / i already know half the songs anyways

i will feel shit because of israel being there (i have already boycotted KAN and the entrant and their song regardless of what happens)

boycott

i'll probably still feel depressed bc its my favourite event of the year

if i dont watch it i can audition for the play and performing makes me happy just as much as eurovision/ i havent performed since pre amsterdam

can always watch later, however not the same and may get spoiled

anyways

thanks.

#i feel bad tho bc if i do get in to the play theres at least a 70% chance i'll have to say no #egh if only it was the week after #i submitted the first form but i havent booked a slot yet #its just if the auditions were after the ebu deadline this would be easier but i feel like i have to choose now #bc auditions are friday to tuesday #i could try and do both? semi one i will have no issue bc its on a wednesday morning and theres no show night before #ALSO if you're going to say to me 'ur a shit person for even having a dilemma' im probably going to block you #like im literally choosing between depression and guilt here and im not sure how much being on stage will distract me #eurovision #esc

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fairybaby777 · 2 years

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hi 😵‍💫 anon here. im going to keep this sweet and short because i would love to dm if you can. i tried to work on self concept for the past two weeks and my manifestations are still not here. i know people say you shouldn’t say “it isn’t here” or you’ve “been trying”, but i haven’t said that for the past two weeks. it’s true, i genuinely haven’t gotten it despite my persistence. i only tried for the void occasionally because i knew i was so dependent on it. for the first week, i was so strong. i stayed in the state of knowing and affirmed for self concept occasionally whenever i doubted. but still nothing. im so lost, confused and scared. my sadness has turned into anger because ive tried every method and technique and anything you could possibly do. I KNOW how to manifest and ive applied it, i HAVENT been on Tumblr a lot for the past two weeks. so what could i possibly be doing wrong? ik you say if you assume you’re doing something wrong then that’s what gonna happen. but i never did in the past two weeks until now. my assumptions about myself and manifesting were amazing and still nothing. what could i possibly be missing? i tried to make it fun and less like a chore, but i can’t keep failing.. i only have a week less. i know you say you can’t fail if you believe you can’t, but i did believe that up until now. this is victim mentality, but it’s true. ive had so many deadlines that ive consistently missed but I CANT miss this one. during the week of my amazing self concept, this actually got worse in my reality. which makes no sense. WHAT DO I DO?? im scared and im tired of constantly fighting and being in this loop for 3 years now. im so so tired, i just need someone to tell me what im doing wrong and i know ITS MY REALITY AND I MAKE THE RULES… but if it was, i would have what ive been trying to manifest for the past three years. ive taken breaks and then worked on self concept and applied the “decide what you want and persist in the new story.” i ignored everything that was contradicting my new story and KNEW it would change. but it HASNT. all my deadlines and failed manifestations are crashing in on me and im so overwhelmed rn.

hi, firstly love u but this is anything but sweet and short but i am going to keep my response to you sweet and short; as much as you say you are living in the end it sounds to me like you’re checking the 3D and in a state of waiting for it to come. the reason it hasnt shown up in your 3D yet is because you’re in the state of waiting & knowing it’s not here yet. i know that’s hard to hear because you feel like you’ve done everything you possibly can but i promise that this law is real and if you were truly living in the end you would have your desire. what i advise you to do is close your eyes and for several minutes just really feel like you have your desire. what does it feel like? how does it feel ? when you open your eyes try to maintain this state of having. that is what living in the end is. just aligning your thoughts with how they’d be if you had your desire already

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snowblossomreads · 6 months

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20 Questions for Fic Writers

😌 thanks @smilingformoney for the tag (i know u tagged my main blog but that thot doesn't write anything but gibberish well..i guess it's the same here to..)

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

113,472

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I would say Harry Potter but honestly, it’s just Snape and then other Alan Rickman characters…so Alan Rickman LOL. Also I’ve been known to write Final Fantasy fics (for 7,12 and 15 specifically) and a wild Naruto one in my olden days. There are others but Alan is my main thing rn and for the foreseeable future.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Bad Habits, Young and Beautiful, Seven Devils, Thrilling Tea Time, You Don’t Love Me Anymore

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes because it’s just nice to talk to folks who have enjoyed your things ^o^!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don’t know what those are. I mean I guess Seven Devils? But it’s not really angsty (too me at least).

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

All of them because I don’t know what sad endings are. Havent my blurbos suffered enough.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I have not and hope not!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes (3 of the the top kudos are smut ranging from…unhinged to unhinged). I’ll write almost any kind of smut but I have some no goes but mostly anything.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Do I write them? No not generally. Have I written them? I was going to say no I haven’t and I would be lying. I have one that will never see the light of day that I wrote as a young teen that was a crossover between multiple fandoms that that had nothing to do with each other than I had OCs for each of them. The premise was that they all put on a homecoming production (if you don’t know what that is, in short students put on a whole thing where they dance and sing to songs from specific decades that end in the same date as the year the current year to celebrate alumni who graduated on years that ended in the same date. i.e. 2023, 2013, 2003 etc). ANYWAYS I don’t know what I was doing and it never got finished but I think about how unhinged it was. There had to have been like 5 different fandoms in it minimum. Man was preteen me having a great time.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No and lets keep it that way 😊 or else.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I know of.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, it would be a disaster tbh bc idk what deadlines are.

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Any of my blurbos/OC or reader 😊. (i.e blurbo/me) LOLOL but like for a media where it’s not me, fictional me, or me again it would have to be Tidus/ Yuna from Final Fantasy X. They had a such a wonderful love story and they make my heart wobble.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

All of them but unfortunately some of them (most of them) may forever stay unfinished because I’m just not good at writing multiple chapters. See Seven Devils and how long it took me to get the last 2 chapters up. AND IT WAS ONLY 7 CHAPTERS THAT WERE PREDETERIMED. Anyways I have a Final Fantasy 15 one I would like to finish because all the chapters were planned out but then I went to university.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Erm I’ve gotten comments about how well I write details and it’s flattering because honestly, I feel like I’m just word vomiting (stares at the next question with dread). But I guess details are my strengths? 😅

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Everything! Next question.

Jk (is she) Uhm I think my dialogues can be a bit bland and go on and on with no real end or why the conversation is going that way (she should go outside and talk to ppl more). Also the transition from platonic to romance (nervous laughter) it’s why one of my HP fics isn’t being written and why I usually just dump readers into things that area already established or almost close to.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

What an apt question, I’ve actually been struggling with this for some fics lately because I have characters who speak another language (Mandarin). Some languages work well for fics written in English i.e the ones that naturally have Romanized words like French, Italian, etc etc . And some (stares at Mandarin) don’t because of how every word would need a tonal mark basically and it’s tedious (again just my thought). I could just write them in characters but that would be even worse for English readers LOL. So now I just go "and so said this in Mandarin" and sometimes I add clues giving readers a hint letting them know. Anyways TLDR: Go for it if you want to, some languages are tricker than others.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Either Final Fantasy 12 or Naruto can’t remember 100%

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Really asking the hard hitting questions aren't yall 😭Erm um. Ayo I don't really know tbh. I'll go with Seven Devils bc it was absolutely unhinged and it was the first multi chapter thing I completed which I'm proud of!

But also I'm quite having fun writing my current fic (shameless plug for Entangled Hearts right here u should click it!) mostly because @smilingformoney lets me yell at her about my thoughts and she yells at me about her thoughts and we are like yeee good times. Also I can also give my OC some trauma LOL but also a sweet puppy in human form as a boyfriend (and maybe even husband)

That's it my friends thanks for listening to the rambles and thanks again to Millie for the tags (ilysm 🥰) feel free to be nosy whenever.

Tags: Anyone who wants to do this!!

#blossom answers #tag game #come be nosy

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junietuesday · 8 months

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7, 16 & 66

ask game here!

7. How do you choose which POV to write from?

i mean usually the story im trying to tell will make it clear what the pov should be. if im writing a story to explore a specific character’s experience/emotional state, obviously it’ll be their pov, and for romances, its down to which character will have the more interesting perspective to explore and which character will be more interesting in the story if you (and the pov character) Dont know their every thought and have to piece it together yourself. (i think ive only once written a fic w switching povs, and while it was the right choice for that story since the romance was deeply abt their intertwined character development, i dont usually read like those ya romance novels that swap povs between the protags bc to me it feels like a copout LMAO)

16. How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Share one of them?

oh man i. have countless fic ideas in hibernation but for the ones im Actively working on… i have three revalink fics, two miphvalink, and one thats loosely sidlink but in a particularly aroallo way bc its also abt sidon’s relationship w mipha again lol. plus three linked universe fics (thatve been in my drive for YEARS) still chugging along. i still think im really funny for my “revali and link work at rito mcdonalds fic” (i went into more detail abt it here) so heres a snippet of that:

Link looked at him, expression unreadable. Revali felt something in his chest tighten. There was no trace of the focused but cheerful cook he’d spent today working alongside—outside of the kitchen, he’d reverted right back to the wall of impenetrable silence.

Revali pivoted on his foot to leave. He’d already crouched down on the landing platform across the restaurant and spread his wings when Link’s voice cut through the silence between them.

“Where are you going?” he asked. Quieter than he’d been in the kitchen, and Revali didn’t think it was just because of the lack of noisy coworkers.

“I’ve already lost a whole day of training,” Revali snapped. He could feel something inside him burning. “I can still reach the Flight Range before dark.”

He didn’t turn around. He waited for Link’s response, but as the moment stretched taut, it became clear that none was forthcoming.

Of course. Who was Revali kidding, thinking anything had actually changed between them?

Beak clenched shut, Revali shot upward into the sky, leaving Link watching silently on the landing.

66. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie. pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc.)?

i. dont LMAO. luckily i havent gotten any negative comments before, and random strangers’ telling me to update doesnt really pressure me to write unless its like, a nice request and its out of sympathy that i try (keyword: try </3) to get back to it. deadlines on the other hand are Wonderful i actively miss the fanfic competitions i used to be part of bc i was churning out 1-3k oneshots every two weeks, it was so much fun and i wrote so much. but i dont think they really have those anymore esp for any fandoms im actually part of, so theres no external pressure for me to write and so im the slowest writer ever.

#asks #@ginneke #june speaks #my writing

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monstersinthecosmos · 5 months

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🕯 and 🪄 from the writer asks?

(writing asks!)

🕯️was there a fic that was really hard on you to write, or took you to a place you didn't think it would take you?

The hardest fic on my page that I've written was as we circle the moon because like !!!!!! I signed up to write it for the Femsheith exchange and then like, my grandma was sick and I was doing a lot of family shit and didn't have a ton of time to work on it, and originally I wanted it to be a one shot but I felt bad that I was gonna miss the posting deadline so I split it into chapters and at least posted a chapter, and then my grandma died, and then like, no one really responded to that fic so I was having a really hard time working on it.

I'll preach till I'm blue in the face that like, we have to be able to write for US because relying on external validation is such a motivation killer, but like, I was just not feeling myself and had no inspiration to write for me, and then like, usually for my Sheith fics I have a cheerleader who can read my WIP and encourage me when I think I'm being boring but my go-to Sheith cheerleaders don't like Femsheith so I had no one to help me with this, and then like, it got two comments so I just felt like it wasn't a good fic and no one liked it, and so I didn't feel motivated to update it for the readers either, and the fact that no one responded to it made me think it was poorly written and didn't make sense, and then I was convinced that all my ideas for it were stupid and didn't make sense, and I thought the gender studying in it didn't make sense, and basically, it was torture trying to finish that one but I'm traumatized by my FFnet page when I was a teenager that had like 35 unfinished fics posted, so I refused to leave fics unfinished, and I forced myself to get it done.

Whew. LOL.

And anyway that's a lot of technical stuff but also since the fic is about grief and I was writing it during the death of a family member it got a little spicy on my feelings. LOL. And it's a fic that like, in the end, I'm not sure if the meta makes sense, but I was juggling a lot of messy feelings so I decided it's okay if the fic was also about messy feelings with no real conclusion.

🪄what is your post-writing/sharing aftercare? How do you take care of yourself or celebrate yourself when you've finished a fic?

hajslgd dsjakg so usually when I'm in the zone I write EVERY NIGHT (but I'm having an ADHD burnout crisis at the moment so I havent written in weeks lol RIP i hate myself) and like it's a thing where I feel bad if I take a night off? But whenever I finish a fic I like, allow myself a night off, and I just kinda chill out and daydream about the next thing I wanna write. It's so fun! It's so relaxing!!! :D Sometimes when I've spent months on a fic I like, feel empty and miss spending time with it, so it helps me to immediately jump to the next project and start daydreaming about a new idea so that I can stay excited.

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ksresearch · 2 years

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theres this heavy weight floating over me this term, about my annotations and other written bullshit and i havent been true to myself with what i want to be making or investigating

ive been in a constant state of reflection / boredom / sadness i guess, the sparkle that once was has been lost. At first it felt like art block, but now its a heavy thing that hasnt left since the beginning of this term/year.

i undertsand your practise shifts over the years, but reflecting on my work in cert, it had a beautiful energy to it - although life was rough my work was true, and natural, not forced. i feel as though the more im asked to put meaning to my works, locating it within a certain field or history, I lose my sparkle/authenticness/drive. my work is suffering, i look at my tapestry and feel no sense of pride or accomplishment like i have in the past, and i dont want to ignore this urge to shift away from this anymore.

i have lost my mojo, and alongside to this have fallen behind. this written work stress is so insanly bullshit, but i cannot fake my way through it with 6 texts that spark no interest in me for the sake of a deadline/grade. it all feels wrong. I am holding onto the idea of starting fresh next term, with what feels right for me

i dont know how to write about this last term/two terms of work without it failing.

comforting though, the cycles of life, death and rebirth. this is just a funnny little phase that is coming to an end, no longer serving me. rebirth of my creative spark coming soon yo

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moomoomooing · 2 months

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mild rant? mostly thoughts :)

yk ive just not been a fan of how quickly my mood and possible depression is flipping from eberythings fine and im only a little stressed but its ok! to jesus fuck let me rot (projects and deadlines are suddenly piled up and its overwhelming, but i also feel like this when i have nothing i can do)

i try to keep on a shower schedule cause of my class times (i have night classes half of the days so i shower on my off days) but it means i gotta be nasty for a day on sunday till i shower that night. and i never have the willpower to go to the studio feeling nasty,,, even if it wouldve been great to get work done and satiate the restlessness i get from being in my dorm all day

but i didnt and now im plagued with guilt and more stress/ anxiety yippees

on another note my roommate is really REALLY good at finding ALL of my triggers for anxiety or fight or flight responses. so far they nailed using my mirror/being TOO close to my belongings without asking (they eventually asked and i gave permission out of being nice but i severely dislike it and it makes me hyperaware of everything she does when i hear her close to my dresser). they got my i will tense up and not breathe till its over response to alarm sounds (i hate them theyre incredibly anxiety inducing and i always wake up before my alarm usually out of fear. thankfully now my alarms a last resort/reminder of time if i dont wake up early). and!! they let the door slam (boo loud noises), are constantly on a call they often dont wear earbuds for and talk really loudly half the time, or is on call past 12 am (i feel intrusive and also please i cant sleep if youre on call)

theres also other general icks that are hopefully getting better? im noticing less of smth that i hate that they do (its a not cleaning after yourself type deal) but it could just be coincidence

oh also im trying to apply for jobs (remote part-times or internships) and frankly im scared. the reason it took me so long to get a job in highschool was also straight fear and anxiety lmao

i would love money tho (pssst i have commissions open :D)

OW SHARP RINGING NOISE WHERE DID YOU COME FROM????????? ALL OF THE WHITE NOISE DISSAPEARED AND ITS ONLY THAT

anyways i got another strike of hypersensitive skin??? no idea what causes it but it made the underneath of my forearm feel like i scraped it across concrete. 0/10 i didnt have a pleasant showering experience

oh on a better note being so far removed from my family and the fact we basically never call or text has been quite freeing

its like when i was actually at public highschool and had agency over myself in a way i didnt have when my mom was around (basically her presence was usually STRESS)

on a lesser note i havent been talking with my two other friends (ill call em the trio, them plus me) and its been kinda radio silence from everyone? i havent exactly been great either but my infrequent requests for vcs are usually ignored or not responded too which sucks. it makes me more paranoid than id like to be

our time difference definitely makes it way harder too tho, im ahead by a few hours. ik weve gone months without talking before then picked it right back up, but im always scared during the radio silence anyways

im always scared and curious abt other ppls opinions on me, usually the ppl i consider friends. ik one of my friends likes me? but their friends (the 4 of us will be rooming together next year, theyre also technically my friends but my usually point of contact with them is through my friend) i cant tell how much they like me? its probably my unfamiliarity with them but it makes me nervous for no reason

anyways if you actually read all of this, sorry for taking away your time? i reccomend soft gepard x sampo (hsr) fics to soothe the mind, theyre cute.

also hey haha if youre one of the two friends, literally the nickels, are reading this? erase it from your mind please and thanks

#maybe thinking abt giving your cat a signed consent form to allow them to eat your corpse should you die and the baby has no food #isnt exactly a normal and perfectly sane thought #but what if the baby needs it bc someone tried to be mean abt it :(#jesus ok maybe i should fight with my mom again for some diagnosis #i got told that my level of anxiety is totally normal and i just need to deal with it

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iggurichan · 4 months

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now that 2023 is over (and i didnt overslept like yesterday), i figured it was time to properly talk about my thoughts during the year. back in early march i decided that i wanted to make my art accounts more active by doing weekly drawings. honestly i thought i would've stopped after the first month, but surprisingly i kept up the weekly upload schedule up until the end of september. obviously i didnt keep up with my weekly schedule after that, but it is pretty crazy looking back on all of the drawings i did, easily the most i have done in a single year. just looking at my archive on tumblr speaks for itself when you see the content from the years.

as for what's next in this year, it's hard to say if i would keep up the weekly schedule since it probably isnt too realistic without leading to eventual burnout like last time. however, i do enjoy drawing whenever and that is something i dont want to stop doing, i just wont be too hard on myself with deadlines to avoid that same mistake like last year. i also decided that this year i want to start up a small comic that i will be doing throughout the year, obviously im not expecting a lot of people to read it but hey it would fulfill that desire i had last year of keeping my art accounts active while doing something im interested in. i havent decided how the pace of the comic will go yet and i dunno how soon i can get that started, but maybe it will start in february? dont hold me to that, i get distracted easy whenever it comes to any side project as some people might know (doesnt help that i've recently been playing granblue versus last month). also i have a few unfinished sketches i never finished last year, i dont really have any plans on finishing them, but at the very least it cant hurt to share them.

however, i also decided that weekly i'll be answering some year old questions i have in my tumblr ask inbox as a way to buffer some doodles while working on the comic. though i only have 4 or so questions to last me a month, so if you want to ask me anything (within reason), feel free to ask me anonymously if you want to ask me multiple questions, i have no idea it would be you anyways. just know that your question wont be answered until february since i want to answer these really old questions first. this lets me do some fun doodles while keeping my art accounts active during drawing downtime. speaking of accounts, i still gotta post my past drawings onto bluesky, pixiv and etc, i've just been really lazy so honestly it's hard to say when those will be at the same status as my twitter and tumblr. but they'll serve as more options to show my art in the scenario that either site randomly dies one day. whenever i do update them, i'll also make a new pinned with my current accounts to reflect that as my current one was just a placeholder so my pinned wasnt a wall of text like this one is.

thanks everyone who checked out my art last year, it means a lot to me. doing drawings is a fun hobby and i enjoy looking back on the drawings i've done.

tl;dr upload schedule wont be consistent for my sanity, but i plan on making a comic this year, also ask me questions on tumblr to give me an excuse to do doodles weekly

#blog #update #ask me anything

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