#i have plenty of fears and regrets and anxieties but i do not live in them i do not live for them
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i love my wife and i love my girlfriend and i love my cats and i love my friends and i love my life. my days pass in a drunken haze of love, which is so much better than the alternative
#the alternative fucking sucks#i think if you love generously then you will be loved generously in return#my experience is evidence towards this being true#if you live life in fear and regret and anxiety then. u will not have a good time i think#i have plenty of fears and regrets and anxieties but i do not live in them i do not live for them#i live for love and the soft fur of my kitten between my fingers#i live for love and the way my girlfriend lights up when i compliment her#i live for love and the soft smile on my wifes face as i kiss them good morning#i live for love and sunsets and rainbows and dark storm clouds against a sunlit foreground#i live for love and cross stitching and painting and drawing and building weird litte sculptures#i live for love and for playing and for videogames and for running around and climbing trees#i live for love of the sunshine and the rain and the cold and the heat#i live for love of plants and green things and delicious food made from them#i live for love!!#and its so much better than the alternative#i need a tag for my own rambles
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Hi there! Hoping that requests are opened. If not feel free to ignore this message. Btw you’re one of my fav yandere writers! So I’ve had Red hood on the mind recently and I can’t help but think about him like a set amount of years in the future just trying his best to give his darling a semi normal/domestic life. And just amping up the househusband role ya know? And darling kinda just being like “well it could be worse”/succumbing to Stockholm syndrome. You can choose if it’s fluff or smut. 🥰
Gonna go with Arkham Knight Jason since he's the prime wagyu beef-tier yandere fodder when we talk about Jason Todd lol
He never really imagined he could feel a sense of closure, but this is the closest he'd ever get to it. Joker is dead. He no longer wants to kill Bruce, and he's doing things on his own with his Darling safe and sound to come home to. And since he doesn't have a militia to command and do shit on a large scale, he can take longer breaks in between missions.
He's also seen how much Bruce has lost in that "crusade against crime" mindset. See, you have to be that relentless if you want to strike fear into criminals without killing them. But the Red Hood does that with every single kill, and laying low for a long while makes those same criminals feel a false sense of security. Then a few months later, he comes back to kill whoever is trying to take over the enterprise of the last guy he killed.
So he allows himself more opportunities to be with Darling and make up for all the time he lost. They're no longer held in his quarters in a stronghold, and Jason has plenty of fail-safes to keep them out of vengeful criminals' clutches. One of those is a tracker hidden in them, so small that they don't even feel it. And it's not able to show up on most scans without top tier tech or x-ray vision. So they get to go out more than ever
Still, Jason gets a prickle of anxiety whenever he comes home and doesn't hear them inside their home or the base he built. He only breathes when he checks the tracker and sees their location, and then sees the note they left saying where they were going.
He's glad that they're finally starting to adjust and aren't constantly trying to convince him to let them go or to stop killing people (even if they deserve it). He wishes it was just because they're not under as much stress compared to when the Arkham Knight kidnapped them, but...he knows it's also because they've been with him for so long that they're not resisting him as much. But he doesn't regret taking them and keeping them safe; he can live with them being manipulated by him, if it means they're together and Darling is safe.
He slowly starts to get into things he used to enjoy, and getting to watch movies or playing games with his Darling feels so...warm. It makes him think of a burnt out lightbulb that starts to flicker a little with some dim light. He gets to feel happiness again and feel like a real person.
Mundane domesticity is a comfort he never knew he wanted. Obviously it's not ALL he wants since he's still the Red Hood and is still a vigilante, but coming home to Darling and being with them gives him a reason to hope. If it weren't for that and for them, his only source of hope would be the thought of killing every single criminal in Gotham with his own hands. So now he has TWO hopes!
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I had to restart his save since it got corrupted- which means it’s time for a new ref!!
I’ve committed to the fact that this man dresses like an 80s dad in any modern au.
Tries very hard to read as the ideal paladin, good morals, strong sense of justice n what have you. He is unfortunately full of trauma and identity issues, fear of his god is a HUGE THING and breaking his oath accidentally is a perpetual anxiety too.
I’ve also decided he has the shittiest, patchy ass beard. Usually he’s clean shaven bc he doesn’t like having facial hair but he’s not quite adept enough with a dagger to shave with one and tries exactly once to shave (failing miserably, much to Astarion’s entertainment) before giving up until act 3 when he buys himself a new razor.
I really should draw him holding the blood of lathander more but that mf is agonizing to draw man there are, so many layers to it.
I finally remembered to draw his glasses on his ref, yippee.
I’m making him an actual dnd character sheet so I’ll probably attach that once it’s done
I’m side tracked I’m supposed to be talking about his lore huh
Whoops
Anyway, tw for abandoment (passing mention) emotional abuse, death (of a parent + en masse,) mental illness that’s being ignored, chronic pain and illness (also being ignored until he can’t)
His actual like- lore lore is below the break.
Born in the underdark, his mom fucked off with him bc the underdark isn’t a great place to live generally speaking, and she had the means. His dad decided last minute to stay in the underdark.
Taken in by the temple of lathander in elturel bc his mother was chronically ill and not expecting or able to be making this kind of journey on her own with a very small child. Ended up being moved from the temple to a hospital after it was determined that she probably wasn’t getting better.
Charlie ended up being mostly raised by the temple, went to school there and was taught how to read and write + basic math. But spent most of his free time working to pay for his mother’s (and soon his own) medication.
Turns out the of the myriad of issues his mother delt with (migraines, persistent nausea and dizziness, chronic joint issues) were genetic, so by time he hit puberty he was working his ass off to pay for it.
You may ask me “cake, didn’t that aggravate his joint issues?” Yes. Badly. He was not given any other options, the fact that they were alive at all was a godsend (I use the word godsend intentionally, he believes, strongly, that lathander is keeping him alive for some reason beyond his understanding, that is the root of his devotion.)
Did you order mommy issues? Hope so bc he has them in spades. You can only be hear your dying mom say she regrets saving you life as a literal toddler so many times before it starts fucking you up, and she said it (and other delightful(/sarc) things) plenty in the months leading up to when she died.
Shortly after her death, and suddenly needing to work way less (his medication was significantly cheaper than his mothers) he devoted himself to the temple, and was eventually approached bc some kids he went to school with to see if he wanted to join their little class thing. The temple liked to train their folks in groups of 4, in hopes of building strong teams should they choose to stay together.
He agreed, and found out that the temple would pay for his medication in exchange for dedicating himself fully to his training and his studies (and occasionally them using him as a scout, being small, naturally stealthy, and decently quick had its advantages.)
Took his oath with one of the other people he was trained alongside when he was 17, and they were collectively sent to continue their training at the nearby Fort Morninglord.
Things were solid, until he was sent along with a group of seniors to Baldurs Gate as a sort of test to see how he would do on a longer mission before officially joining the Order of the Aster.
He did well, all things considered. Unfortunately between him leaving and returning is when Fort Morninglord got eaten by the shadowfell for some reason. (That’s a canon event btw)
So, with all his friends presumably dead, maybe worse, and all his shit left inside a heavily guarded, very cursed fort. He did the reasonable thing, and fucked right off.
He ended up joining one of the seniors he went to Baldur’s Gate with in going to Waterdeep, while they didn’t particularly need another paladin. The temple of lathander in Waterdeep accepted them both until they were able to find stable employment.
Charlie mainly did small jobs for merchants, working as a guard for high value stuff, moving cargo on/off boats, mostly physical labour. It didn’t pay particularly well, but he could afford a little room above a tavern, and his medication.
That’s where he was, and how he lived for almost 130 years until he got wormed.
May or may not be blindly devoted to Lathander bc of… all that. literally any bad thing to occur to him is swiftly written off as a test of his faith, surprising to damn near everyone he is not one for converting people. (He definitely reads like he would though, it’s the theology special interest, there are few gods he won’t speak extensively on. He just defaults to lathander)
Fr though? Having trouble finding a god to worship? Ask him, he will give you an answer or more accurately- a list.
Yknow when you sprinkle random facts into your characters to make them less flat? Yeah my man collects maps, particularly outdated ones.
The only reason he’s not fucked post-worm is bc it fends off the worst of his usual symptoms. He has conflicted feelings about it (on one hand, being able to put honey in his coffee and not feel like his brain is exploding is nice, on the other, what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck.)
Post game he is left in a… state. He’s gotten used to life with less pain and is absolutely bedridden for a WHILE bc suddenly he’s being hit with his usual pain n symptoms but he’s not used to it anymore so it’s absolutely destroying him.
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Nine point eight
A fic about Starhenge's fall, told in Galvana's point of view.
I tried using beige prose this time. Tell me how I did
***
Everything will end.
My life, my friends’ lives, everything.
It will end now.
And then it will start again.
---
The days leading up to now were filled with cheer, not sadness.
We all knew this will happen, that Starhenge will run out of power. We just didn’t know when.
Back then it caused us a lot of anxiety, but not anymore. We decided to put our fears behind us and live happily.
Today, we are having a grand feast. Decorations were strewn up, food was plentiful. Everyone was full of cheer.
I was looking up at the sky after I had my fill. It was evening, and the orange glow of the sun shined on me. I thought to myself that the party will continue on during the inevitable fall.
---
The past week, too, was filled with festivity.
Everyday, we had a party.
It was to make sure we were all happy. But not everyone was confident.
For example, Vhamp still had a few fears in its heart.
…Oh. That’s funny, whenever I think about it, it comes to my side. I forgot about that coincidence.
Vhamp looked up at the sky. It was now dark, with the stars starting to shine.
“What are you thinking of, Galvie?” it asked.
That’s strange. It hasn’t used that nickname in a long while.
“I was just thinking about the past few days, that’s all.”
“Hmm.”
We both stared at the sky for a few minutes, watching as the world became darker and darker.
I was the one to break the momentary silence between us. “How much longer until we fall?”
Vhamp gave it some thought. “About an hour, I’d wager.”
“So do you think I should give my speech now?”
“If you want to, you can.”
I got up and went to the center of Starhenge, near the observatory.
---
“Attention, everyone.”
I got everyone to sit down and listen. They looked at me with interest.
I began my speech. “In about an hour, Starhenge will fall. We will sacrifice our mortal forms to become stone, and eventually be revived with no memories of our past lives. Do any of you still have anything to do in this life?”
Everyone thought to themselves, and eventually said no.
“That’s good. I’m happy I got to be with you all. I’m happy that… that I got to be friends with you all, that all of you stuck by my side through thick and thin. I’m… I’m just so happy…”
I began to cry. Some, I couldn’t tell who, got up and tried to comfort me, but I shook my hand.
“…Don’t worry, guys. I’m fine. I was just overcome with joy.”
I took a minute for myself to regain composure. And I breathed in again.
“That’s all I have to say. Long life us Celestials.”
I smiled as the end approached us.
---
Nine point eight.
Nine point eight is my acceleration.
Nine point eight is the intensity of the stars.
Nine point eight is how long we fell.
I could see Starhenge, but barely. I could see Loodvigg, Blasoom, Scaratar…
I could tell we were about to crash any moment now.
I could feel my skin and dress turning into stone, from the feet upwards.
I smiled again.
I have no regrets.
I love you.
Goodbye.
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Pride Month Manga Recommendations Week 2: Yuri / Girls Love
So week number two has rolled around, which means a new focus/set for the recommendations, and a new charity! This week's theme/genre is Yuri/Girls Love, which can get a bit of a bad rap sometimes. It's absolutely true that a lot of same sex romance manga can suffer from sexualization of gender and sexual identities, but I really hope that these recommendations can be something people find interest in.
Also, a quick aside so you don't have to go all the way to the end of the post, this week's charity is GLAAD, an organization that focuses on advocacy and fair treatment of LGBTQ+ in media.
Run Away With Me Girl by Battan is a short but bittersweet story about the regrets of a pair of girls as they move forward in their adult lives. Maki drifts aimlessly through life, unable to forget the hurricane that was Midori who swept her off her feet in high school, only to leave her behind to become an "adult", while Midori finds herself trapped in an engagement to someone who who she doesn't love, burdened with the fear of becoming a mother.
The two have a chance meeting one night, years after they have last seen each other, and the facades that cover each began to crack and break apart as they spend more and more time together, rediscovering themselves, struggling with trauma and fears and hesitations, and fighting to find a way for their love to come true. It's a very beautiful story, though not without it's dark moments with things like scarily real manipulative and abusive significant others. It refuses to sugarcoat its story, but still finds its way to a rose colored end.
Bloom Into You
Our main character (right) Yuu has wanted a lovey dovey relationship like the manga she reads for as long as she can remember, but no matter where that confession comes from, it can't move her heart. She continues to turn down confessions until it's the student council president (left) Nanami that comes to her with her own confession.
It's not a series that knows exactly what it wants to do and where to go, but it matches the cadence of high school life in that stumbling. Finding the right words and approach, struggling with what love is, accepting yourself as you are, and living up to expectations. It's a tangled mess of many emotions that all find their core in love and desire, as it explores various characters and approaches to romance.
My Cute Little Kitten/Milk Morinaga
Now bear with me here, I know we're not getting the next volume until January 2024, so I want to just sort of broadly recommend Milk Morinaga's works in English. Hana and Hina After School just recently go its (print on demand) reprint, but they also have stuff like Syrup (a series of Yuri anthologies), and a good few short Yuri series that you can get digitally (most of them are oop since they're so old).
But anyways, My Cute Little Kitten. As the name implies it's cute, of course, but it's also steamy. Rena and Yuna are roommates that date all the way back to their college era, with Rena harboring a crush that slips out into words one drunken night thanks to Yuna's words spurred on by the kitten she picked up off the street. The pair end up slipping into a relationship that has them moving apartments and exploring each other while peeling back layers of themselves. It's a very comfortable story, but doesn't shy away from reminding readers that these are adults. I really enjoy that it keeps that bit of sexuality to it, but doesn't force it to coat the relationship in its entirety. There's still plenty about the characters and their anxiety that stems from their new lives.
Otherside Picnic
Ever wanted to see girls explore another world of mystery, horror, and terror while also exploring each other? Look no further than Otherside Picnic! This series is a bit different as the romance goes hand in hand with the adventure, rather than the romantic aspect spurring other pieces on. If you're not a fan of horror, you probably won't enjoy this story, but if you do, I can't recommend it enough.
Sorawo is a loner that discovered the Otherside as a way to escape from her own world, but ends up subject to the dangers of it and on the brink of dying in a puddle of water. Fate has other plans for her though, as the blonde (and Canadian) Toriko stumbles upon "Ophelia" in her puddle and saves her, setting the story in motion. The pair continue to explore the Otherside over the span of months and even years, initially for the sake of searching for Toriko's teacher Satsuki, but as their relationship deepens and they come to further understand each other, the purpose becomes more muddy.
I really just want to drive home how good this story is. I really really love it for how the characters are presented, and how the use of horror and fear is used to show how deep and strong the relationship between Toriko and Sorawo grows to be. Though do be warned, it's a bit of a slow burn, but I absolutely think it's worth it thanks to how great and unique the characters are.
Futari Escape
Now I'll level with you, this isn't a yuri romance series, there's not even many displays of affection. But still, I think it's a yuri series that countless people out there would enjoy.
It's the story of Senpai, a short girl who loves to mooch off of her mangaka roommate/girlfriend, Kouhai, and their journey(s) through life as they endeavor to enjoy the smaller things. Going on random trips, reminiscing on days gone, or getting themselves into a spot of trouble that they conveniently forget about. It's incredibly endearing and comically passionate about dodging work and responsibility. Because of that though, it's the perfect manga to take a break from life with. To find just that little bit of comedy, or a random idea you wouldn't have thought of, or to let your mind wander aimlessly as you flip the pages. It's a wonderful rest stop in the relentless onslaught that is the present reality, and on that alone it's such an easy title to recommend.
And so we find ourselves at the end of another week of recommendations, and a new charity to check out! GLAAD is a charity that focuses on advocacy and cultural change for LGBTQ+ in media. They do quite a bit and even have their own media awards. Once more, I don't want to push people to donate, but I do highly recommend everyone check out their website to see what it is that they do, and how you can get involved.
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I am currently contemplating going to the yard sale- on one hand, I live like 40ish minutes away so it’s a quick drive and I might find something really cool; on the other hand, I don’t have anyone to go with and I’m not sure if I can afford anything. I’m also not sure if it’s ok to go as a fan (if that makes sense?) like I’m not a super fan or a creep and if I were to go it truly would just be to find something cool but I worry that my appearance as a 22 yr old girl would come across as psycho stalker fan. Any advice? (I might just be overthinking)
I say you should go! As a fellow 20 something year old resident of Los Angeles, I’m not too far off from you in age and distance so I can relate to a lot of this, especially the social anxiety and a tendency to overthink things lol. So you came to the right place! I’m going to break down all the reasons why I think you should go. Hopefully I’ll dissuaded some of your fears and won’t add to them!
I totally get why you might feel weird about going, especially as a fan, but considering they gave the address out to everyone, when they said all are welcome I think they really do mean it! Katya may cosplay as a communist but ultimately at the end of the day she just wants your money too lol. I think that’s why she and Andrew opened this up to the general public with the full knowledge that fans can and will come. They’re trying to make a buck!
I know in the past Katya has done this type of thing with Willam and from what I can recall, a lot of fans showed up and they were prepared for that so you’ll probably be in similar company! You’re also approaching this more as a consumer/buyer than as a fan which is kind of the most normal of interaction to have? Especially when going alone. Just think of it as shopping! Also it’s super close to that 8000 Sunset Strip shopping plaza right around the corner so I’m sure they’re going to be attracting bystanders as well, not just fans so there will be normal amount of “regular” people that will be there. I think it will be half their artsy porn friends and half fans aka us regular folks. Ultimately I think at the end of the day it doesn’t matter much to them, they’re happy to have everyone and again, they just want your coin lol.
As far as cost goes, I think things will be priced from all other the place too so don’t let that deter you. I know Katya really bumps the price up for items on her depop because she can as a famous person selling sweat soaked personal belongings, but I get the sense that this is for items big and small that can’t be easily sold online. It’s a moving/everything must go type of deal. So there will be furniture like bed frames that I’m sure are costly but I bet there will be less expensive knickknacks as well like face masks that are more affordable. Also Katya is very thrifty herself so while she may over charge in some areas, I don’t think everything will be entirely unreasonable. I remember from the drag sale with Willam, they sold stuff in every price range. Some fans said that while they may not have been able to afford the more expensive clothing items, there were plenty of little things like accessories that were cheaper so they felt they were still able to purchase something special.
Also, I totally relate to the social anxiety of going to something alone! I don’t know if that’s a big hang up for you in this instance but I will say as time has gone on, I’ve felt more comfortable doing things solo (and sometimes even prefer it!). Have you ever gone to something with a friend who wasn’t as into it as you and it almost ruined the experience because they didn’t share the same level of enthusiasm? Maybe that’s just me lol. I will say every time I’ve gone to something on my own that I really wanted to attend, I’ve always ended up enjoying it. I never regretted not going in those situations, you know?
And lastly, I will say the fact that you care enough to not push boundaries and appear “stalkerish” means you have more social tact than most and the other fans that will undoubtedly show up and definitely act that way. Idk how much fan interaction Katya is planning on doing, but again at the Willam thing she was down to take pics and chat. She’s pretty amenable to that stuff because she likes meeting people. This might be all business though so who knows. But if you’re not expecting anything on that level then you’re already approaching it in a more respectful manner and can’t really disappoint or be disappointed in that department!
If it seems like I’ve really thought this through it’s because I definitely have! If I didn’t have another commitment that I can’t really get out of this Sunday, I would seriously consider going myself. Since we’re both Angelenos, if you feel comfortable and ever want to come off anon and chat about it some more, I’d be happy to talk! I also understand maintaining your privacy, especially online. But if there’s ever future LA related Katya events that you’re considering going to and wondering if anyone else is, you can bet that I probably am as well! I will admit part of me is rooting for you to go to this so that we have someone on the inside to let us know how it went and report back lol. Hopefully if you do decide to go, you buy something cool or at the very least have a fun shopping experience. Anyways, good luck either way!
#this is long and very LA specific lol#sorry I’m replying to this a day late#I’ve been offline#idk if you'll see this before tomorrow or if you've already made up your mind at this point#but I’m curious on what you decide to do either way!#yard sale anon
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Hi to you and you and you! I've been doing a lot of 2023 reflection, so here's some word vomit.
While a lot of my feelings are jumbled and complicated (isn't that really just the human way????), I'm walking away happy that this year felt really slow and full of intention. I've discovered new, quiet, cozy hobbies. I made a lot of home cooked meals. I found the right balance between being social and keeping to myself. I go outside and walk my dog every morning, each step greeting the rising sun. I've read a ton of books, started playing the guitar again, and take care of my skin. I rarely drink, don't ever do drugs, and can run a >9 minute mile. What sometimes comes with this slow lifestyle though, is pinches of loneliness. Regret that I feel like I've lost my spark. A lot of time to think, and as an anxiety prone girly, can lead me to dark, spiraling, fearful thoughts. I miss the part of my younger self that felt zesty and outgoing, though I often wonder how much of that was a coping mechanism. It sounds exhausting and daunting to be that way again at this stage of my life.
Writing this all out now is wrapping guilt around my heart, knowing how privileged I am to even be saying all of this, from the comfort of my own home while people continents away are fighting for their lives day after day.
I'm not 100% sure what I want 2024 to look like, but I have an idea. I would love to bring this slow movement with me. I want to obsess more over the cozy hobbies and my family and my partner. I want to be more organized and thoughtful at work, I've definitely let that slip. I want to drink a lot of water, sing a lot of songs, and find my voice again. Or maybe just make the one I currently have a little louder. I want to make art, pieces that make people smile, even if it's just myself. I'd love to take pictures again, but I don't want to force it. I want to find new bands to love, lyrics to dwell on, songs to drive to.
Plenty of run on sentences and probably incomplete thoughts in this, lols. I just needed to get something down!!!!!!!!!!!
I bought a PC and have been revisiting some old computer habits. I would love to continue writing thoughts out here, seeing as I've done it the last 15 years....(holy shit)
if you've read this, hey thanks! love ya to bits!
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{Mod} I am gonna copy paste what I wrote on Twitter, since it's late and I think I am getting sick, so I need the rest, but here is the haul I got this year, feel free to look closely for the smaller items and such, and if you have any questions feel free to ask, but besides that, enjoy reading a lot about my time at AnimeNYC, but tl;dr: it was super fun, and I want to go back~!
Day one: Went with bros, and seeing what was at our fingertips this year is always awesome~. Artist alley had plenty, yet this year I didn't buy a lot from there, already regret that... but there was a lot to do! Played some jubeat, bought some nice things, wasted most of my time in line for a Nikke thing (I don't even play Nikke XD), and finally, this year we had a lot more booths that had singles and packs for MtG! It's crazy always seeing the change in merch options each year (lowkey need more Daki booths), but then... Suisei~
The first day ended with the Suisei concert, featuring Calli, and... I never understood why people cry at concerts before... until this concert. When she started Stellar Stellar, I actually screamed, I nearly cried, I can't properly word how happy I was, a perfect Day 1 end, thank you so much to @suisei_hosimati and @moricalliope for an amazing concert, truly was an unforgettable event~!
Day 2, went alone sorta, first autograph~! Wish they signed personal items, but it was for my brother, so it's fine, but what was nicer was meeting up with @Adorabirb for a bit~! It's been a while since we last saw each other, and while it was short, it was pleasant~! I also was in a bit of cosplay, wasn't *good* cosplay but hey, I did it so it's fine! @Adorabirb has the only decent picture of it (sans dragon sword) so ask him for it XD Besides spending more, I saw an Advent panel, played a VR game, took pics, and then... Onigiri panel~
Onigiri had a panel where she guessed what novel titles are real, and failing to guess right gave her a batsu (punishment), hence the "shrimp fried rice" post I made. Still, was very fun, @OnigiriEn_ is as funny "live" as she is in her vids, a great time!
Day 3: As per the previous post, it started off nearly catastrophic. So much wasted time, much anxiety, and fear of the worst... I am thankful I made it just in time, she was the main reason I looked into autographs, and they signed a book I had for a friend, so that went well, I then got another two autographs (won three, given an extra), aimed to spend money, got a signature from Onigiri (and a scolding >.<) a Marine art book that I thought was spicy, and I had to get a Suisei thing in honor of the concert~, and finally ended with Hololive ID!
Essentially a concert, they sang songs I never heard before, but they were great songs, and I was reminded how powerful @ayunda_risu's voice is, her and @moonahoshinova was hitting some great high notes~! Even bought some pen lights for this! Great end to the weekend!
In the end, the weekend was a blast, I saw a few more panels than I usually do, and I realized that... when I don't go with the intent to gift others with fun on the side and flip it, I just enjoy myself, I have a lot more energy, I don't waste a bunch of money on gifts for people (I still look a *bit* for gifts), I have a lot better of a time, and so does my wallet... idk how to feel about this shift, but in the end, I genuinely had fun, and have much better memories of this event than ever before~. I hope I can go again next year~!
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04/09/23 - Walks Alone in the Park
Hello! I'm Kiana. I'm about 20, and a few months. I remember my mother asking me a question I never really thought about before. "What have you learned in the last 20 years of being alive?"
I was stumped by the question, and even a little, scared. I couldn't answer her immediately, had I really learned nothing? Not only that, but I felt stupid a bit, stuttering in the car when she asked this question. She had a bit of a chuckle, and I just told her it was hard to explain. She seemed satiated by this answer, and left it at that.
I don't think I've exactly cracked that code, per-say. I've learned so much, just not how to drive! A fool I've been I thought.
But last night, I remember I was overcome with plenty of emotion. Fear, anxiety, anger, irritation, and regret. If there was one thing I have learned, is not to live with regret.
Even at my big age, I was afraid, to leave my house in the night, to take a walk in the dark to relieve myself of the upset feelings. I usually would have wallowed in my room. The feeling overwhelmed me so much, I basically descended into the kitchen floor, and laid there on the cold psudo-wood for what felt like 20 minutes. My dog, came and laid a distance from me, next to the couch in the living room, turned to me.
Emotional agony was not a good feeling, but I hadn't sat with the feeling before. I laid there, 20 minutes on the floor as I oddly enough, heard Skrillex of all things playing in my ears. Maybe it was the music, maybe it was the floor, or the small piece of glass I saw sitting on the floor. Even after all that sweeping, and all that mopping I did days ago, pieces of my mistake remained. I felt something there, something that confused and scared me.
But if there was another thing I learned, is that I hated feeling scared, or stupid. But if I was going to be scared and stupid, I was going to be brave about it.
I blew the piece of glass into an unknown crevasse, and picked myself up off the floor. I straightened myself up as I sped upstairs, careful to not wake my mother up. I grabbed my wind breaker, threw on my crocs and I left, a hasty walk out the house as tears stung my eyes. I hadn't done this before, and living in the suburbs, it was pitch black when I left. Only a few street lights illuminating my way. I walked.
I walked a familiar street, at an unfamiliar time of day. It was a woody area, a green area, full of untrimmed grass, and unkempt trees. People coming home from night shifts, from work, from parties, from friend's houses. I continued my movement, at a steady, no rush pace. I knew where I was going.
I'll admit, even in a suburb, to have both my headphones in might have been foolish but in my emotional state, I didn't care. I desired for some adrenaline spiking experience. I feel like, I have been safe for too long. To try and not make waves or upset the people who loved me. I didn't care now, though. It was like, a late phase teen rebellion. Not really a rebellion, but if you heard how often my mother called me during my nights in Chicago; smoking weed, hanging out with my friends and moving about at night, you'd think I'd be doing this since I hit my teens.
But no, I just started and I've never been so excited about life. Even if it was, just a walk at the park. I felt, free. I felt, like me.
The rest was a blur, as I got to the park, I swung on the swings, I slid down slides, I climbed things I hadn't climbed for my own amusement in so long. I just felt, better.
Fresh cool air. My music shifted, from being somber and low, from the sweet voices of Coldplay's Sparks, Rises the Moon by Liana Flores and I Love You so, by the Walters.
The thought of my mother's upset was there, but not in the same, fear inducing capacity it was before. It was floating around in my mind, but in a way that I'd simply have to shrug. I didn't have the energy, or capacity to care anymore.
By the time I reached back home, it was 8:45. I left about 7. Her ring camera caught me coming home, but instead I rang the normal doorbell to our home, as I called her phone, asking her to open the door. My brother opened the door, and asked me if I had taken the dog with me. I said: "No, I just took a little walk."
I went upstairs to my mother's room, opening the door as she looked over to me. She said goodnight, I told her goodnight, before retiring to my own room.
I'd had never taken my own agency like that, never have I simply up and left because I was upset, knowing that I was feeling upset and being in my room wouldn't have helped. I needed that.
Not only that, but I refused to allow her possible, hypothetical anger to upset me any longer. Anyone's hypothetical anger to stop me from doing anything.
This is Kiana, and I'll be back
lol
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Dear Baby,
It’s 2:27 AM and I have this urge to tell you something. It’s odd and fairly stupid, just like the time when I told you about how mesmerized I was by the windshield wipers of the bus on that rainy day… ha, just to think about that day… I was thinking of Kevin then and now I am so through with him I could care less if a bus hit him… anyways- I fell asleep and woke up on the couch and have been watching Bones all day; however, that is not what I wanted to tell you. Every episode hit me emotionally in a different way. First, Bones, Dr. Brennan, had a case where a woman was buried under a tree. The first oddity was that the same ring Brennan owns was on the body second was that the victim, like Brennan, was a Doctor and was the best in her occupation and also like Brennan; she was socially cut off from everyone and was oddly intellectual like Bones. What made it emotional was that the victim had been dead for years and no one had noticed she were gone… Brennan, obviously connecting their similarities, began to have anxiety and think they were the same. I- baby, share the same fears as Brennan. I fear that my death will be unnoticed, or even worse, rejoiced. I know that possibly everyone fears this, it is only natural… however, for an individual, it is very real and even though the person besides you may feel the same, or maybe worse, you cannot help but feel… ignoble.
That being said, after the episode was over and issues were resolved and Bones had returned to her sanity and had her emotions back in order, I envied her. I wanted- want to be able to pull everything together and pat myself on the back and return to life the way it was. Three days. Three days from the beginning of her breakdown to the end, my break downs last years. When the credits were rolling, this is the part I wanted to tell you, I glanced at every name and read them to myself. Each one, each odd and unique name and it hit me; of course, I already knew this… I guess, but presumably, I never truly believed that there are plenty of “fish” in the “sea.” I’m not talking about love either, I am talking about life. After this realization, I read the next name and slapped a story onto it. Lang Yu Kin, your mother was killed in a back-alley drug deal, and you were adopted by a Caucasian infertile woman, and you can’t accept the fact that you will never know who your mother was. Ashley Hamming, after vicariously living through your sister’s love affair, you get up off your sorry ass for once and party which ends up with you getting pregnant with ten men possibly being the father…
I just continue this and with each person I make up this horrid sad story for each person’s name. Why? I have no idea why I did it, I do the weirdest things, but it did make me realize something… not only are their plenty of fish in the sea, but each fish has his or her regrets, faults, and grief. I always knew that, but I never stopped to think about the stranger across the world who was crying in their bed about their sister who was in the hospital after taking one pill too many or about the man who sleeps on the side walk in New York to also have it be his final resting place because no one who walked by was gracious enough to offer a crumb.
Like I told Nathan today over text, which was a lovely and interesting conversation I might add, I am reaching a turning point and I am just so confused and unsure of where I am going in my life. I know I have changed, maybe not I myself but the way I see things… but I don’t know if it is good or bad. *sighs* I believe that is all my eyes can stand to stay open for at 2:56 AM. Goodnight, baby. I love you, despite how much I try to convince others I hate kids…
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Sept 21 2022
I have been more and more emotionally stable as time goes on. My only enemy in continual growth is falling out of practice. During a period of emotional unrest, I have plenty of opportunity to practice being happier. After some time, the practice pays off, and I somewhat forget about it, as it becomes habitual.
But when something throws me off, I admit that I do not immediately return to the techniques that originally helped me to the state of relative peace. I approach the “positive thinking” concepts I’ve previous talked about with some of the old skepticism I once did. Or if I do try to think positively, and don’t find the collection of thoughts that are uplifting, I give up quickly, and return to the mud. I’ll have to work on this.
Some other observations I’ve made this past week or so are some other… bad (there’s gotta be a less heavy word) habits.
1. I have woven a lot of anxiety into making music. This is of course a result of the hyper ambitious state that built up over the past few years. I’ll think about working on a recording and feel the weight of the quality control process while recording, before even starting. It doesn’t help that I usually use my pre-work hours to record, which puts me immediately in a state of mild anxiety as I anticipate having to leave in a rush.
There was once a time when simply hearing a rough demo of a song — drums, bass, guitar — was the pinnacle of satisfaction. I would just do demos and gush at the simple materialization of my ideas, despite them being janky. That was a private joy, in that it didn’t depend on the acceptance of others, at all. Of course as time went on, the next peak was making a great recording and sharing it. And then came all the variables of the external world, which in moderation are fine, but it seems I didn’t understand them enough to moderate their effect on me. I’ve learned plenty, lol.
I need to explore this more, and practice not being anxious about making music.
2. Another thing to improve upon is how I generally approach life. I seem to have a general anxiety toward not living my ideal life. I think in terms of avoiding regret, which is helpful, but can also be a hinderance.
My anxieties could almost be summed up by a generalized productivity anxiety. I’m always eager to get cracking so as to get the right gears spinning. Obviously, this manifests in the creative and professional sectors of my life, but it also manifests in the social (relationships, fun) sectors of my life. I get anxious when I don’t hit my instinctual quotas of hanging with my friends or doing some fun activity.
This process in moderation is somewhat necessary, otherwise I’d never have the drive to hang with friends, or do something fun, of course. I think it becomes unbalanced when the motive shifts from “i want to enjoy myself” to “i need to fend off some vague bad future”. That’s how it manifests in me, somewhat often. I haven’t taken much issue with social affairs before this past year, it should be noted.
Since the band dissolved, I find myself groping around for things to fill the certainty it gave me. Playing in the band and going through the motions of developing it made me feel free from the possibility of future regret. I felt so certain that I was doing something satisfying and worth the while, and that I’d look back on it with unwavering fondness.
More simply put, I have a fear of not fulfilling my potential. This seems noble at a glance but the it carries a lot of bugs within it. The “fear” part of course is most important. The positive version would be “I want to fulfill my potential”. You must decide then what your potential is. This is where the toxic nature of our media consumption comes into play. You only see the grandiose and extreme and rare examples of life in popular media. Myself, I gravitated toward rock n roll lifestyles which is marked by a lack of responsibility, not needing to do anything you don’t want, always having fun, seeing new places. Worldly, free, happy.
This is an extreme example of happiness. That is to say, before airplanes and rock music, people still were happy and fulfilled. The advancement of technology and pleasure has raised the bar for what people *can* consider success — and subsequently — happiness (unwisely of course). As this bar raises higher and higher, we need to make sure the bar for our sense of happiness does not. Unfortunately, this skill has not been encouraged by popular media, and peoples faculties for maintaining appropriate boundaries for their life satisfaction have not been able to keep up.
This is an excellent depiction of just how much happiness and satisfaction are in our control. We subscribe, willingly, to these standards like the ones I’ve mentioned. In the moment of doing so, it’s worth noting, it really seems like there is nothing to lose. In those first moments of daydreaming, it’s all good. The thought of travelling the world, playing and creating music with friends, all while everyone thinks you’re cool, what’s there to not want to subscribe to? How could you want to avoid that?
The trouble starts down the road, of course. What I believe did it for me was something I already touched on somewhat. Graduating high school and pursuing a future in music was a risk, like anything. But as the years went by, and I found myself without glittery success, I started slowly feeling ashamed for having a lousy job and living with my mom. I started feeling like a loser because from the outside, I looked rather similar to one. I wasn’t some big shot guitar hero. I was embarrassed of my free-loader lifestyle. The pleasant high from chasing stardom was starting to wear off a bit, or something. I could feel the world’s judgemental gaze.
Around year 22, I decided to start applying more gas. I began feverishly working and researching. I learned so much, and learned how little I knew. I learned many skills, and how few I knew. Any wrinkle was to be firmly ironed out, no bullshit was permitted. This ruthless industrious attitude peaked in year 23. In November of year 24, it got too hot for me, and my faculties massively overheated. Fires broke out through the factory, and there was much destruction. What started out as an innocent venture of fun and friendship ended in anger and sadness.
What happened? Perhaps when music became an escape from my growing negative feelings toward myself, my life circumstances, and other heavy life things. Growing shame, embarrassment, pressure to be a success, to prove “them” wrong. Playing music was no longer an end, but a means to an end.
Even now though, it’s still holds some escapist utility for me. I’ve mostly detached it from being my “job” but I still derive a sense of social status from it. I want to feel superior and cool as an artist. It’s safe and comfortable. I’m insecure about myself, I don’t think people want to be my friend unless I show them why I’m so cool and fun. I feel like I don’t have significant value without being a cool musician.
I think my anger and frustration stems from feeling like I’ve been working so hard, but it doesn’t matter that much. Feeling like I’ve been working so hard, but people ask me for more. They ask me to do stuff I think is unimportant. Then, to make it worse, there’s conflict over me not thinking whatever it might be is important. I feel like I’m giving it my all to create a happy life for myself, but it creates social conflict in my life instead.
- interupted
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10, 20, 30, 40, 50, for all of them
Whew, ok.
I promise I didn't forget about this...it was just hard to write for some reason.
Regardless, here you go~ (under a cut because it's long)
Questions and Answers OC Edition
~~~
AKI KAMIYA
(10) Do they have any regrets?
Yes. Aki has a ton of regrets. The biggest is letting herself be used as a tool by her father and then Danzo, but that’s not the only one. She regrets not being able to grow up with Gaara. She regrets letting herself be driven from her home. She regrets not being able to be there for her sister.
She’s trying to forgive herself and move on, but it’s a work in progress.
(20) Do they have a strong connection to their culture?
Sort of. Obviously, she has zero connection with Konoha’s culture anymore, other than the little she has to partake in when she makes diplomatic visits. As for Suna, it took her a long time to adjust - the food, the clothing, the general attitudes of the public, the laws, the festivals, everything was alien to her.
But she’d also be the first to defend her new home if it was threatened for any reason.
(30) If they had the chance to be famous would they take it? If they are famous would they rather they weren’t?
She has no desire for fame or glory. But her name is unfortunately known and disliked by a certain demographic within Konoha, and she would rather her name be known for something better.
(40) If they found a sword in a stone would they try to pull it out? How would they react to being able to pull it out or not?
She’d try to pull it once, and then when that didn’t work, she’d break the rock open and take the sword.
(50) What is your favorite thing about them?
Her gives-no-fucks state of being. She doesn’t care about your rank, status, abilities, etc. She says what she thinks, consequences be damned.
~
NEZUMI CHISAKI
(10) Do they have any regrets?
Taking three attempts to become a genin, and then taking even longer to become a chunin because of her fears and anxieties.
(20) Do they have a strong connection to their culture?
Yes, she loves Konoha, and cherishes the life she lives there.
(30) If they had the chance to be famous would they take it? If they are famous would they rather they weren’t?
No, Nezumi has zero desire to be famous.
(40) If they found a sword in a stone would they try to pull it out? How would they react to being able to pull it out or not?
Nezumi would easily be able to pull the sword out. I can see a situation where she and a group of ninjas (including Lee of course) find the sword in the stone, and everyone takes a turn trying to pull it out. After everyone else has failed, they tell her of course she can’t - and then she does and is confused as to why they were making such a fuss.
(50) What is your favorite thing about them?
Her heart. Nezumi loves so much and is so sweet. She makes me smile every time I write about her.
~
NATSUMI KAIOH
(10) Do they have any regrets?
No, Natsumi has learned to move past regret and focus on the present and future.
(20) Do they have a strong connection to their culture?
No. The culture of Kirigakure has caused nothing but pain for her. The only reason she hasn’t given up on the village entirely are Mei and Chojuro.
(30) If they had the chance to be famous would they take it? If they are famous would they rather they weren’t?
No, she has no desire for fame - she’s already too infamous for her liking, since she’s a Fire user in Kiri. She only wants to be the best ninja she can be and live a normal life.
(40) If they found a sword in a stone would they try to pull it out? How would they react to being able to pull it out or not?
Probably not, but it’s unlikely she’d be bothered enough to try in the first place.
(50) What is your favorite thing about them?
Her resolve. No matter what life has thrown at her, she keeps moving forward.
~
HOLLY REED
(10) Do they have any regrets?
Plenty of them. Some examples: She regrets going to that party when she was 17, letting her parents inflict purity culture on her for so long, and all three of her relationships prior to Gaara.
(20) Do they have a strong connection to their culture?
“Her culture” I’m choosing to mean internet culture (because she’s not especially close to Florida culture other than enjoying fried alligator and orange juice), to which the answer is a resounding yes. Holly holds the internet very close to her heart, as it’s what gave her freedom and a career that she loves.
(30) If they had the chance to be famous would they take it? If they are famous would they rather they weren’t?
She is pretty famous, both for her art and for something related to her Worst Time. The Worst Time one, she hates. She wishes her name hadn’t been forever attached to it.
As for her art though, she loves people knowing her and coming to her to fulfill their fandom fantasies.
(40) If they found a sword in a stone would they try to pull it out? How would they react to being able to pull it out or not?
Holly would not be able to, but she also wouldn’t be that surprised about it.
(50) What is your favorite thing about them?
Her strength. Holly overcame a fuck ton of painful things and found success doing something she loved.
~
MARIANA ROSALES
(10) Do they have any regrets?
Letting her parents dictate her worth and convince her that she was going to Hell for being a lesbian for so long.
(20) Do they have a strong connection to their culture?
Puerto Rican: She still speaks Spanish and enjoys fried plantains, but that’s about it. Mariana left Puerto Rico when she was 4 and only visited occasionally throughout her childhood, so she has little attachment to the place. And that only got worse after her Worst Time.
Internet: She’s fond of the internet, though it isn’t as strong as Evie’s or Holly’s. She mostly uses the internet as a tool for her cosplay career rather than a second home.
(30) If they had the chance to be famous would they take it? If they are famous would they rather they weren’t?
She’s famous in the cosplay/fandom world and she enjoys it. She gets invited to conventions, she gets to judge competitions (when she’s not competing herself), she gets to make her own clothing and designs - she’s happy as she is.
(40) If they found a sword in a stone would they try to pull it out? How would they react to being able to pull it out or not?
Mari would be able to pull the sword out, but she wouldn’t tell anyone about it.
(50) What is your favorite thing about them?
She’s selfless - she always thinks about others first, and will go out of her way to make sure they’re happy and comfortable.
~
EVIE MOSS
(10) Do they have any regrets?
She regrets not being able to keep her cool in tournaments, which frequently costs her wins.
She regrets not having double checked before crossing the street.
She regrets not noticing that Mariana's absence was suspicious.
She regrets not noticing Holly was missing sooner.
(20) Do they have a strong connection to their culture?
Gamer and internet culture, yes. She lives and breathes memes. She will use gamer terms even out in public. She spends most of her days playing games, thinking about games, and interacting with her Twitch audience.
She’s in it for life.
(30) If they had the chance to be famous would they take it? If they are famous would they rather they weren’t?
She’s already pretty famous as a pro-gamer and streamer, and she loves it. If you asked her to sign a potato chip bag, she’d do it.
(40) If they found a sword in a stone would they try to pull it out? How would they react to being able to pull it out or not?
She would not be able to, and she would bitch about it for hours after the fact.
(50) What is your favorite thing about them?
She’s not afraid of who she is. She knows she’s crass and abrasive, she loves it, and she owns it.
#oc talk#my ocs#Aki Kamiya#Nezumi Chisaki#Natsumi Kaioh#Holly Reed#Mariana Rosales#Evie Moss#meet my ocs#ask nightingale#justmyownreality#A Crystal in the Sand#Who You Are At Night
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No regrets
Fandom: Jujutsu Kaisen
Pairing: Sukuna x reader (reader is referred to with gender neutral pronouns, but there are slight implications of them being AFAB)
Author note: At a whooping 11.5k words, it’s finally here! Thank you all for your patience as well as those who gave feedback during the initial interest check! I hope the wait was worth it and you enjoy this long piece! A bit of forewarning, this piece is rather dark, so please read the content warnings carefully and only proceed if you are comfortable doing so.
Revisions made on 3/30/2021
Warnings: Implications of noncon | abusive behavior | unhealthy obsession | death | slight gore | Please ask to tag additional content warnings that I have failed to disclose
Minors do not read/interact with this post!
Heian era
It was only a matter of time before the king of curses came to your village and slaughtered you all. It was inevitable, but the village elders were determined to hand over every last scrap of fabric and goods if it satiated the cursed being for a short while, knowing the all powerful curse was an indulgent one. Your village was a well known trading settlement, so gathering and setting aside the best of the best on the market was rather easy with all the merchants coming in and out of the town nearly every day.
Your family specialized in sword crafting, often forging or repairing swords for soldiers or aristocratic families who merely collected them as works of art. Your father taught you a bit of the craft and a few seasoned samurai humoured you and taught you some forms while they awaited repairs, but you mostly spent time helping your mother around your quaint home. Your days with them were peaceful, even with the ever looming and expected arrival of Ryomen Sukuna blanketing your people with constant fear.
The day finally came, yet all the preparations you and your people took to secure a better chance of survival still didn’t feel like it was enough as the four-armed monster of a man easily destroyed several houses with a mere flick of his hand and cut down several innocent individuals who fled last minute due to their anxiety getting the better of them. He was at least willing to see all that was being offered to him when it was made clear your people were not going down without trying their luck, but that sadistic smile of his was all the proof everyone needed to know that their careful efforts meant nothing.
Your village elders remained determined, and to the shock of you and your parents, they grabbed you and offered you up as one final offering. You were young, the youngest in the village in fact, and unmarried too. A perfect candidate for Sukuna’s harem and they knew this when they turned and grabbed you without a second thought. You still remember the way your mother began to smack your elders with her shoe when they yanked you away from her and your father’s side. Bless her heart.
Perhaps a part of you knew that your status as the youngest would be taken advantage of if things weren’t working out. Sukuna’s harem was only a rumor, scary gossip whispered amongst the housewives. Yet the idea of a monster like him having a harem didn’t seem so farfetched. You knew better than to question the validity of the lucky few who got away and were displaced because of Sukuna’s village razing and massacring.
Whether he accepted the last second addition to the offer pile or killed every single one of you right then and there, you accepted that your life would never return to how it once was before he came. You didn’t make so much as a peep of discomfort when the brute began to manhandle you, pulling back parts of your clothes away from your body to inspect you in front of the entire village, in front of your distraught parents. You didn’t wince in pain when he roughly grabbed your cheek between two of his meaty fingers and examined your face like you were merely a piece of art, an object. You just went completely numb.
Everyone, including yourself, was shocked when he agreed to take you along with all the goods your village offered, but not without ordering them to prepare another pile for his followers to collect every following month from now on. He made it clear that if they held back a single grain of rice or gave him anything else but the best, he’d send your body back to them in a bloody sack before reuniting them with you in the afterlife shortly after.
As the king of curses hauled you away like a sack of potatoes, your emotions came flooding back in. You kicked, scream, cried and begged like a moody toddler for your mom and dad to help you, to not let this monster take you away and do know who knows what to you. The last you see of them before you’re forcefully knocked out is your mother suddenly collapsing on the ground like all the energy she had just left her body instantaneously. Your brawny father seemed equally at a loss as well.
When you were brought back to Sukuna’s temple, you were hauled away by servants after he unceremoniously dropped you on the ground and retreated to his chambers. You were thoroughly bathed, skin rubbed raw of outside filth and dressed into a fresh new robe before being whisked away to Sukuna’s quarters by his demand.
That first week under his roof was meant to break you, but for some reason you kept fighting back because of something a bit stupid. You wanted to keep your old clothes the maids forced you out of and you wouldn’t shut up or keep still under him no matter how much he harmed or degraded you. You don’t know why you kept pushing back against him over something so meager. The fabric wasn’t anything that fancy. The color was faded and you were even beginning to outgrow them. It’s the only memento you have of your home, so maybe that’s why your mind zeroed in on it and refused to yield to his torturous ministrations until you made certain it wouldn’t be taken away from you.
“Again with those rags you call a kimono?” he clicked his tongue with annoyance. “You want to keep them so badly? Fine, but don’t think I’ll be so accommodating next time.”
Living in a merchant town, you know how to tell when someone is trying to swindle you. As much as you hate the man who has been violating your body for literal days now, you can tell that he means what he has stated.
When you finally relax your body, he lets out a disgustingly child-like cackle, but before you can express any sort of rage that bubbled up within yourself, your mind goes numb once more if only to alleviate the pain you’re in just a bit.
There are two types of fates for those in Sukuna’s harem. There are the favoured concubines, who live relatively better than the disfavoured, who are made into servants. Of course, this is all a meticulous set up by the king of curses himself. Those he shows higher favoritism towards are desperate to remain in his good graces if only to make their way of living that bit easier to bear. Those he turns into lowly servants and brushes aside are desperate to rise above their rank and gain the privilege and spoils he grants to the selected few. It’s all an elaborate plan to instill discord between members of his harem so he can sit back and watch them tear each other apart without lifting a finger.
Your fighting back was what earned you an automatic spot amongst his favoured. He thought he had broken you, but just as soon as you yielded to him you flared up and began to fight back once more. It was invigorating, seeing the rage and desperation in your eyes when you were quiet and had a distant, blank look just moments before. How long had it been since a human raised their fist against him? Far too long for him to remember.
You were an outlier. Where all would refuse to meet his gaze whenever he passed through, you would always meet and hold his gaze without fail or hesitation. You talked back, cursing him a thousand ways into the next phase of the moon. You never bowed when others did. Never.
Your disobedience gave him plenty of reasons to drag you to his chambers and attempt to break you once more, only for you to shut your mind down as soon as you were thrown into his bed. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism? A way of trying to disassociate from all the rough treatment you endure under him? A part of him is grateful you aren’t like the others, that you’ve come up with a way of protecting yourself while the others around you, who give into the despair and hopelessness he brings them or lie to themselves that he holds some sort of affection towards them, if only to find some sort of hope through this hell even if it means lying to yourself. Both of which bore him immensely as well as annoy him greatly.
It’s sudden and neither of you can recall when it began, but after he was done having his way with you and you regained your sense of reality and would devolve into the usual episode of flailing rage and crying, he began to hold you against him and whisper soothing phrases like “good job” or “It’s over, you did well”. He kept his many arms wrapped around your shaking figure, waiting for you to eventually exhaust yourself and pass out before doing so himself. When the sun rises you are always gone from his chambers. How you manage to escape right from under him is a mystery, but he doesn’t have much of a desire to ask you about it. He likes waking up surprised. Hardly anything surprises him anymore.
It becomes clear to everyone that Sukuna acts differently towards you, treats you differently than the rest of his concubines. There are even periods of time where the rest of his harem is given little to no attention because he’s completely focused on you. The time he spends with you isn’t anything kind or relieving. He purposely says things that offend you and have you screaming at him. Should anyone else say what you say to him in return, he’d rip their tongues out and swallow it before their very eyes without any remorse. But you? He’s smiling down at you, as if you were an actor entertaining him with an elaborate and well-rehearsed performance.
“Damn you! Damn this temple! Damn your ancestors for existing and bringing you into this world!”
“Yes, that’s the spirit!” he gives you a toothy grin, his sharp canines glinting under the light of the sun. “Damn me and damn the rest of the world for that matter!”
His encouragement only infuriates you more. Without a second thought you began to throw whatever it is you can get your hands on at him. Your comb, your shoes, your untouched makeup products, anything in sight is hauled at the deranged man who dodges everything with ease. Just as you throw a jar of ink at his head and it shatters against the way, bathing the wood with dark ink, he grabs you and you both tumble back into your unmade futon.
As usual, you thrash and voice your disdain as he presses his lips against your neck and aggressively undresses you. He’s high off the adrenaline from earlier, making his ministrations much more excruciating than they normally are.
To him, it feels like a passionate session of lovemaking and he’s left light headed when he finishes.
For you, it’s just another day under his reign and body, your mind going numb as soon as he puts you on your hands and knees.
Just as quickly as he gave you most of his attention, he turned away and left you in the dust.
You have been his concubine for over a year when it happens. Your village continues to uphold their end of their deal and provide him with all the luxurious goods they can get their hands on each month. You’re not sure if he’s trying to torture you more or genuinely thinks he’s bringing you some sense of comfort and calm, but he personally brings you a small bunch of fabrics and trinkets that your father specifically went out of his way to get for you, hoping you would receive them somehow as a reminder that he still thinks of you. It’s during these small moments of Sukuna passing on these items that you learn that your mother passed after you were taken.
You didn’t shed even one tear when this information was given to you, as a part of you knew that was the case after you saw her collapse. Sukuna expected you to fly into another fit of rage. That was the only reason he told you if he’s being honest. He’s caught between feeling disappointed or worried when you just hummed in acknowledgement as you rolled up the soft, intricate rolls of fabric and stored them away. You never did anything with them, so they were sure to collect a layer of dust like the rest in due time
No one, not even Sukuna or even yourself, expected your village to take up arms and fight back against the followers he sent out to collect his offerings. When word came back of what transpired, Sukuna was tempted to take you with him and force you to watch as he slaughtered your village in retaliation for breaking the accord. He didn’t, nor did he send back your disfigured corpse like he promised he would back then. He simply went out, killed them, and then came right back to wash off all their spilled blood. All within the same day.
After he killed all the villagers, he attempted to locate your father amongst the scattered corpses, but they were too mutilated and disfigured to discern who was who. Even if they weren’t, it’s not like he remembered what your father looked like. Did you even bear any resemblance to him? He overheard you speaking with one of the other concubines that your father was an armorer and was tempted to grab one of the expertly crafted swords the villagers were carrying and bring it back to you, blood and all staining the scabbard. He decided against it.
He’s demoted many concubines, all with the purpose of watching them try to regain the meager luxury and privilege they grew accustomed to. He did the same for you, eager to see you break character and come crawling back to him with pitiful desperation.
A part of him knew that it wouldn’t take much effort on your part to have him changing his mind. He’d easily forgive you for the betrayal of your village. All you had to do was put on a show and give him the entertainment he wanted from you. You can kick and scream and deny him all you want, but he’s broken many people like you before. He’s had you under his spell since day one.
Except, you didn’t do anything. When he sent you to live within the overcrowded servants chambers near the far end of his temple, you never put up any sort of fight or caused a scene. Not even when he gave away all the fabrics your father sent you to the other favoured concubines, going as far as to force them to wear the garments whenever and wherever your presence is at. He waited with giddy for someone to inform him of how you lashed out at another girl and attempted to rip the cloth off of her body because they were wearing the fabrics meant for you. But there was nothing from you.
When he dragged you to his quarter and began to violate you like normal, he forced himself to brag and even fabricate details of the day he slaughtered the people from your village. He even lied about how your father asked about you before he was killed, falsely stating that the man had a smile on his face when Sukuna told him that you received all the goods he selected just for you.
Like always, your mind went blank until he finished. There were no twisted words of comfort afterwards like before. He simply ordered you out once he was done, one final attempt to invoke something out of you. You merely redressed and left in silence. He nearly got up and dragged you back, but once again, he decided against it.
One day he ordered a few men to build a crude looking home out back, detached from the main temple, and have you moved in it upon completion. If his normal efforts won’t elicit the usual reaction out of you, then he’ll take a different approach. He’ll deprive you of everything, social interaction, decent and consistent meals, and a stable shelter. He’ll have you isolated for a short while, after which he will visit you out of pity and revel in the sight of you crawling back into his arms. If the time he forces you alone is not enough to break you, he’ll simply extend your stay until you either give him what he wants or die because of your own stubbornness.
It hasn’t even been a day since you’ve been moved from the servant's chamber to your new quarters, and already he’s come to visit you. Within the same breath that tells you that your only other option besides begging for his forgiveness is to rot away in this poorly made shack, he gives you one final chance to change his mind, to beg him to take you back into his good graces.
The tatami is poorly crafted and discolored. The rafters used to construct the frame of the house already show signs of rotting and water damage. Before he allowed himself in, the tiles on the roof appeared to be hastily made and were not properly laid out. It was lightly raining outside, yet you already have a wooden bucket set up to collect leaking water.
“Can I help you?” you ask without glancing over your shoulder. He smirks at the thought of you knowing who he is by presence alone.
“No,” he smugly answers. “But maybe I can help you?”
You look back over to him with a mean glare. “You’re the one that put me here in the first place.”
“No, I didn’t,” he shakes his head to further cement his point. “You’re in here because your people thought they stood a chance against me and broke our agreement. Killing you would be an act of mercy to them. So long as I keep you alive and slowly torture you in both mind and body, they will never know peace.”
“You’re lying,” you say with certainty, with no fear. “I’ve never lied to you once. I would appreciate it if I can at least be given the same courtesy in return.”
He hates when people demand things from. Most importantly, he hates that you’re right. Your neck is always so small within his grasp, his fingers able to meet and fold over one another without strain. He keeps you suspended in the air just enough to where you can balance yourself on the balls of your feet. Whether you were tall or short, it mattered not. He always towered over you like the predator that he is.
“You want to know why you’re in this shitty home?” he sneers down. “You’re in here because you’ve begun to bore me. You amused me so much before, but the moment you started depriving me of my source of entertainment on purpose is the moment I decide to deprive you of your basic needs in return. I take what I want, when I want it, in whichever quantity I desire.
“You want out of here?” He makes a sweeping gesture around the room. “Then you better press your forehead all the way to the floor and beg for me to take you back. I’ll even tell you the exact words you need to say. ‘Please Sukuna-sama. Please allow me the privilege of sleeping under the same roof as you. Please let me breathe the same air as you.’”
He lets you go and grins when you prostrate after regaining your breathe.
“Please Sukuna-sama,” you beg.
“Please what?” he mocks. “Use your words.”
He feels a vein pop out on his forehead when you dare to look up and look at him with yet another angry grin. Without an ounce of hesitation, you say, “Please get out and leave me be.”
He nearly breaks the door from how hard he slams it shut. He abruptly turns around when he hears a roof tile fall over and splat into the muddy dirt. Those followers of his really built you a shitty home, exactly like he ordered them to do.
He feels the urge to gather them and wring their necks one by one, but he doesn’t know why.
Sukuna can’t sleep during those weeks apart. Not because of you, but because right as he drifts off into slumber he’s abruptly woken up by an intense source of cursed energy flaring up out of nowhere. But just as quickly as he feels it and wakes with a startle, it vanishes without a trace. He’ll go out onto his balcony and try to locate where the energy is coming from, but for some reason he can never pinpoint it despite his superior senses. He tries to suppress his own energy in the hopes of tricking the source into thinking he’s asleep and unsuspecting, but it would seem that they’re smart enough not to fall for the bait.
He doesn’t need sleep in the first place, so he’s tempted to just stay up and catch whoever is trying to scare him red handed and be done with them. The idea of someone getting the upper hand at him and forcing him into a position of defensiveness doesn’t sit well with him, so he decides to just let the unknown person have their fun for now and continue this little back and forth with them. Eventually they’ll grow cocky and slip up and he’ll confront them when it happens.
Because your little shack is located near the back of the temple, completely out of sight from Sukuna’s view from his balcony, Neither he nor the others notice the plumes of smoke that rise during the dead of night. No one also takes notice of the bits of metal that go missing throughout the temple.
The rise of the next full moon indicates the end of the month. Sukuna sends for someone to go retrieve you, but they never return and he’s left waiting long enough for the moon to reach its highest peak in the sky. When he orders someone else into his quarters he’s met with more silence that only further enrages him.
Just as he’s about to call for Uraume to figure out what the hell was wrong with his servants, he feels it. The cursed energy that he’s been trying to catch off guard the last few weeks. It’s willingly making itself known, practically begging him to follow its trail and meet with him. Just as quickly as he is able to identify and figure out which direction it’s originating, he notices that it strangely leads him in the direction of your poorly built home.
It’s impossible that it’s you. Cursed energy is born from negative emotions. He’s sure you still have an abundance of negative feelings towards him. Yet never did he feel even a speck of cursed energy resonate off of you. His mind immediately wonders if the individual knows of his strange obsession over you and is using you as bait. It’s foolish on their part, thinking the king of curses would yield for a mere human.
His pace quickens despite his internal dismissal, failing to notice that everyone is hiding and waiting in anticipation.
When he discovers that the cursed energy is indeed from you, he can’t help but to laugh like a crazed hyena. The sword by your side further amuses him and he’s genuinely curious as to how you got the proper materials to craft it.
“It took a bit of convincing,” you willingly answer his question. “I made everyone believe I could stand a chance against you and they gave me all the materials and tools I needed and looked the other way. I guess watching all those traveling merchants try to hype up their goods came in handy after all,” you look out in the distance as you briefly reminisce on the bygone days of your former life.
He begins to slowly clap with one pair of hands, the other crossed over his chest in amusement. “This is by far the most entertaining performance I’ve ever witnessed. Bravo. You’ve really outdone yourself this time.”
“I’d gladly accept the compliment, except this isn’t a show,” you stand to your full height and get a better grip of the hilt of your sword. “It’s the real deal.”
He erupts into yet another cacophony of wild laughter. “Do you seriously think you can kill me?”
“No,” you answer, truly throwing him off guard by the way he goes still so suddenly. “But that’s alright. I’m fine with never being strong enough to put a permanent end to you. Only one of us will be walking away from this fight, and I assure you that it’s going to be me.”
You draw your blade out and get into a low, defensive stance. Even under the lackluster light of the moon, he can see how well crafted your weapon is. He’s reminded of the craftsmanship the weapons your people carried when he slaughtered them, no better than a bunch of wooden sticks against him either way. Immediately, he regrets not bringing back one of their weapons and forcing you to expose to him your knowledge of swordsmanship and blacksmithing. Perhaps then he could have had you brandishing your blade under his command rather than against him.
Oh well, it’s better this way. It’s just as exhilarating and head swirling as those instances where you damned him with all of your being and threw things at his head. No, it’s more than exhilarating. It’s downright intoxicating seeing you readying yourself for his first move. How sweet of you to allow him the honor to make the first strike.
“You truly are something else entirely, beloved,” he dreamily sighs. “Did you honestly think you’d have the upperhand against me just because I gave you a little bit more of my attention?”
“Never,” you reply. You press your eyelids shut for a moment, and the moment you open them up the layer of dissociative numbness vanishes into a look of total focus and emotions he cannot discern. “But whether I live or die, I have no regrets about tonight.”
You really didn’t have enough strength to kill him. However, you did have enough to dismember all twenty of his fingers and seal him away. For the first time in years, the sun rises and bestows its warmth to a world in which two-faced Sukuna does not instill fear upon humanity or stain the earth in their blood. You and those who were under his servitude walk out of his temple as free people, hopeful people. As an act of gratitude for becoming their savior, nineteen others take one of Sukuna’s fingers each and swear to scatter them as far as they can so he cannot be brought back into the world.
As for yourself, you set out to rebuild your destroyed village and take up your father’s legacy as a maker of swords. Eventually you meet and settle down with a loving partner and raise children together. You pass on the family trade, your self developed cursed technique, as well as the memories of your time as Sukuna’s concubine. Those who come after you continue to carry on your will, to ensure that Sukuna can never be reborn into the world. Your sword and the old robes you kept after you were taken away are passed down as family heirlooms, but they are never used by any of your descendants.
That is until the year 2018, when Sukuna is resurrected within a compatible vessel.
Modern era
You bear not only a striking resemblance to your ancestor, but many of their memories as well. The family sword that was used against the king of curses is bestowed upon you, now dubbed the next in line to claim the title of clan leader, their preserved kimono now fashioned into a sageo that wraps around the scabbard.
Your family stays out of most affairs within the jujutsu world, but your birth and the strong connection to your ancestor eventually reaches the ears of many prominent figures within this hidden society. They think your birth a bad omen, a sign that the king of curses may return to the world one day. Most are scared, but your family pays them no attention. Even if the damnable curse did find a way to revive into the world, you and most of your family members who have inherited your ancestor’s technique will oppose him just as they did a thousand years ago.
“You don’t look too concerned,” Gojo makes his observation known to you as soon as the two of you settle in the small private room you ushered him to when he came to your family estate. He wanted to confirm the news of Sukuna’s resurrection to you himself. “None of you do, actually.”
“We all knew this day would come,” you calmly tell him as you poured him a cup of tea. “This is the risk our ancestor took when they developed their technique. In exchange for the strength and ability to seal Sukuna away, they willingly gave up the ability to deliver him a fatal and final blow against him.”
“I’m not well-versed when it comes to binding vows and heavenly restrictions,” he takes a moment of pause to sip his now cooled tea, visibly showing his disdain over it’s bitterness. “But is giving up the satisfaction of killing him really a fair exchange for a specific technique and a bit of cursed energy?”
Your lips pressed together in a grimace. “You have no idea what it was like living underneath that monster’s reign. Even if the binding vow had odd conditions skewed against their favor, every bit of what was given up was worth it if it meant regaining their freedom.”
Gojo isn’t moved or even impressed by your admittance. He simply shrugs before taking another sip of his tea, face contorting in displeasure once again as he forces himself to swallow the green liquid. You’re tempted to ask him why he keeps sipping if he hates the flavor, but he begins speaking again before you can voice your thoughts.
“So, about the vessel,” he leans against his closed fist, propped up by the low table underneath him. “The higher ups are willing to postpone the kid’s execution in favor of the opportunity to kill Sukuna, but they want someone from your family, preferably you, to be his second shadow so to speak. You’re the failsafe in case the plan doesn’t play out like I promised and the curse needs to be sealed again.”
“Sukuna’s vessel...is a child?” you ask incredulously.
“He’s about your age,” Gojo admits with a displaced smile, but it soon falls once you suddenly erupt into a fit of uncontrollable giggles.
“That’s priceless!” you say while wiping away a stray tear. “The king of curses, Ryomen Sukuna, stuck inside some teenager’s body? I bet he’s pissed off and swearing up a storm inside the kid!”
You’re not sure who exactly is getting the most amusement at the turn of events, you or your ancestor from beyond the grave. After your laughing fit subsides and you straighten yourself out, you turn back to Gojo to ask him the burning question.
“So when do I get to meet him?”
Itadori Yuuji is the polar opposite of Sukuna. While Sukuna had a smile that both angered and scared your ancestor and those around him, Yuuji’s was like a literal ray of sunshine. He’s nice, energetic, strong willed and even humorous. You’re honestly surprised he can act so hopeful despite all that’s happened to him and has been forced upon his shoulders.
You’re not going to lie, but you honestly expected a timid and somewhat gloomy kid. Someone easy to manipulate to put it bluntly. Yuuji’s friendly personality is welcomed in your book. Though you admit that now that you’ve exchanged a few words with him, you feel bad and pitiful that he’s been marked for death and likely has to deal with Sukuna on a somewhat regular basis.
As Yuuji rambles to you about some childhood incident, the slits underneath his eyes open up and a familiar pair of red eyes meets your gaze. “It’s you,” the manifested mouth on the side of his cheek morphs into a deranged, toothy grin that is so painstakingly recognizable.
Your heartbeat picks up and your palms are coated with an instantaneous layer of nervous sweat. You contemplate saying something or simply ignoring the curse, not wanting to give him any satisfaction of hearing the voice of your ancestor acknowledge him in any way. Before you can come to any consensus, you’re amazed at how Yuuji easily slaps his hand over his cheek and tells the curse to buzz off.
Itadori further cements that he is Sukuna’s antithesis as he goes out of his way to apologize to you for the inconvenience the curse caused you (How could he tell you became nervous when Sukuna spoke only two words at you?) He even brings you a can of soda as a sort of peace offering/token of forgiveness! You’re grateful for the gesture, but you feel bad for letting him think that he’s at fault for something that wasn’t even that big of a deal to begin with.
“Still, I made you upset,” he looks down to his empty can and pouts. “If you don’t want to be around me-”
“Yuuji,” you interrupt him. “I’m fine, really. My ancestor stood their ground against him once. Surely I can do it again a millennium later.”
“Gojo-sensei was telling me about that!” his eyes sparkle with recollection. “That’s so cool! You’re basically his arch nemesis!”
You awkwardly laugh at his enthusiasm. “That’s one way of putting it.”
“So, Senpai,” he looks at your with a hopeful gaze. “Gojo-sensei seems pretty certain this plan of his will work, but what do you think?”
“Well,” you take a quick sip of your drink before continuing. “Before I tell you what I think about this whole debacle, I need to make a few things thing clear regarding the two of us.”
He obediently nods, face now serious, though it takes you a considerable amount of effort not to laugh from how innocent he still looks. It’s hard to believe he’s housing the king of curses within himself.
“First and foremost, don’t call me Senpai! ” you firmly say. Don’t call me by my family name either. We’re about the same age, so just call me by my first name from now on. Understood?”
“First name, got it!”
“Second,” you put up two fingers. “This is the most important point, so pay attention,” you look at him to make sure he’s ready to commit your words into memory. “Whether the plan works out or not, you must never forget one important fact of the matter. You are not Sukuna.”
He flinches, clearly not expecting such words to be directed towards him.
“I’m sure Gojo whipped up some epic tale about my ancestor’s grudge against that two-faced monster. I not only inherited their technique, but also many of their memories during their initial life. In a way, I suppose I hate Sukuna as well, and based on my reaction from earlier when he popped out, I’m not exactly going to handle moments where he gains control with as much poise as I should.
But remember Yuuji. My discomfort will never be towards you, but the curse you are now bound to,” you reach out and pat his head in assurance. “As the saying goes ‘the enemy of my enemy is a friend.’ Which brings me to my final point!” You excitedly profess. “I want us to be friends!”
“Wait, really?” he sounds almost unsure over your insistence. “I mean, I don’t mind, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to put up with me for my sake.”
“I’m not saying we have to be the best of friends” you explain. “Since we’re going to be around each other so often, I at least want us to be on friendly terms. I want your time left in this world to be as enjoyable and carefree as possible.”
“I guess we can be friends,” he crosses his arms and stares off in deep thought. “I’m just trying to think of a good starting point to get to know you.”
“You can always keep it simple and ask me what I like,” you say, laughing at the way he suddenly has an “ah hah!’ moment and looks at you like an excited puppy.
“Do you like Jennifer Lawrence?”
Yuuji is almost offended that you didn’t know who Jennifer Lawrence is. He was utterly flabbergasted that you haven’t watched any of her movies either (“I don’t even know who she is Yuuji how the hell am I supposed to know she was in movies?”). He went on and on about every single film, but if you’re being honest his 2 minute summaries (infodumping, really) of the plots didn’t really do them justice. Out of nowhere he proposes that you and him have a movie night so he can show you exactly what you’re missing! Of course, it’ll have to be after the two of you settle into your dorm rooms.
It’s true that you were offered immediate admission into Tokyo Technical college due to your lineage, but no one but you and your family knew about this. Gojo also knew. He was the one that brought up the idea in the first place…
Oh, Gojo told him. Well now you just feel stupid.
That’s how you found yourself in the dormitory’s common area with Yuuji and your other classmates, Nobara and Megumi. Meeting them wasn’t that bad. Just kidding, it was terrifying! Megumi looks exactly the way your family often describes members of the Zen’in clan to look like, blank and unnerving. You honestly thought Nobara would beat you up just from the way she was looking at you with such an observing glare, completely forgetting the fact that you’re a descendant of the person who single handedly sealed Sukuna away.
Oh yeah, Yuuji told them that! Was he not supposed to?
“Hah?” Nobara scowls at Yuuji, who puts his hands up in defense. “You mean their old ass grandparent turned that ugly ass curse into bite sized pieces?”
“I did,” you answer, but you quickly catch your mistake and correct yourself. “They did. Along with the sword they used to cut Sukuna down I also inherited most of their memories which is...It’s not as pleasant as you would think.”
Her expression softens up a bit and she steps in front of you. She holds out her palm and makes a beckoning gesture. “The sword,” she clarifies when you look at her with confusion. “Let me hold it.”
You make a quick trip back to your room to retrieve it. She nearly doubles over into you once you pass it over to her.
“Damn! How much does this thing weigh?!” she looks at you with disbelief
“It weighs next to nothing whenever I hold it,” you explain, taking it into your hold and tossing it in the air and twirling it around to further drive your point.
“Bullshit! It’s like 50 pounds!”
“It can’t be that bad,” Megumi comments.
“Oh yeah? Here!” Nobara grabs and tosses it at him, much to your dismay. “See?” she shrills when he nearly doubles over himself. “It’s heavy!”
“Yeah, ok. This is definitely the sword that took down Sukuna,” Megumi gasps.
“My turn! My turn!” Yuuji makes grabby hands, but you push yourself between him and Megumi who’s still holding onto it before he can get too close.
“It’s probably best if you don’t touch it. Y’know?” you point back and forth between him and you.
“Oh, right,” he sheepishly remembers. “Crap, the popcorns gonna get cold!”
You sigh in relief when his attention goes elsewhere before quickly heading back to your room to put the weapon away. When you reenter the lounge, Yuuji greets you with a cheery smile before patting the empty space next to him. He wants you to sit beside him, but Nobara seems to have other plans as she sits right in your intended spot and tells you to sit next to her instead. You were honestly scared and a bit reluctant, but your fears subside once you sat down and she locked her arm with yours and leaned her head on your shoulder for the rest of the night.
She and Megumi eventually retreated back to their rooms before they could fall asleep on the couch after the second movie concludes.
“Do you want to keep going?” Yuuji asked, hands fidgeting with the next DVD case he had at the ready.
“Sure,” you nod, not tired in the slightest just yet.
“Sweet!” he gave you a toothy smile before standing up to head towards the dvd player. However, the moment he stood to his full height he went deathly still. His body contorts before swiftly relaxing. He rolls his neck a few times and lets out a relieved sigh. Before you can ask him what’s wrong, that’s when you feel that disgusting familiar aura and your heart starts beating like you just did a triathlon in a few short minutes.
“Finally, some fresh air,” he sighs in relief as he arches his back and his spine lets out a few crisp pops. His voice hasn’t changed in a thousand years and neither has your fear and disdain for it. When he turns and looks at you with those familiar blood colored irises, you involuntarily reach out to grab your weapon, but you only grab at empty air.
“Hey,” you flinch when he addresses you. No, it’s not you he’s talking to. Given your identical appearance and even your cursed energy that you manifested out of habit, in his mind he must think of you as your ancestor themself, not a distant descendant. “It’s been a while.”
“What do you want?” you somehow manage to stutter out.
“Nothing,” he admits. “’Just want a good look at you.”
If your ancestor or even your family were to see you now, you’re certain they’d be disappointed in you for going still before your greatest enemy. All those years of hating and experiencing all those horrible memories feel like a complete waste when you can’t even muster the strength to bat his hand away when it takes hold of your chin and turns your head over for him to thoroughly inspect you.
“Did you miss me?” he strangely inquires.
Finally. You feel some control over your body come back and answer with an affirmative, “No.”
“That’s too bad,” he clicks his tongue with mocking dissatisfaction. “Because I missed you.”
His face begins to lean into you, lips slightly parted, and you know that he’s going in to press them against yours. Just as you’re about to gather all the strength you can muster and push him away, his body seizes once more and the black markings cross his face and wrists begin to fade and crumble away. An in-control-again Yuuji blinks a few times before checking his surroundings to regain his bearings.
“What happened?” he looks down at you and asks, not registering the fact that he was kneeling over you and firmly pushing you back against the couch with a painful grip.
A part of you wanted to punch Yuuji and run back to your room so you can wait out the slight panic attack that overcame you once Sukuna vanished, but you had to remind yourself that you would be hurting Yuuji if you went through with your action. In all honesty, that second point you told him of remembering to never think of himself as Sukuna was more for you than for him. While your ancestor would willingingly strike down any and all who have the slightest bit of affiliation with their tormentor, you are not them. Therefore, you will not stoop down to their discriminating level, no matter how justified it may be.
The night ended on an expected awkward note. Yuuji, bless his heart, went out of his way again to make it up to you. How? He bought a bunch of snacks from a convenience store in the city and gave them to you in a pretty, gift wrapped box. Nobara and Megumi, who helped him put together the forgiveness present, thought the gift itself was dumb and lackluster, but he reasons with them by stating how you also come from a countryside town as well and how you’d definitely like to try some of the Tokyo-exclusive goodies.
Well, the way towards another’s forgiveness is through the stomach, or something like that. The exact quote is a bit lost to you since you’re too busy savoring all the odd flavored chips and candies you’ve never had the chance to taste back home. Nobara and Megumi feel the immense urge to punch you in the back of your head over how easy you are to win over, but you look so happy eating your second bag of potato chips and Yuuji looks very relieved that he’s earned your forgiveness-
Oh wow you’re offering to share your snacks with them? Don't mind if they do!
While all of you try each and every snack Yuuji gifted to you and rate them like you’re all a bunch of snack experts all of a sudden, Sukuna is brewing in his own satisfaction as he watches you through the eyes of his vessel. Nevermind the fact that you sealed him away all those years ago. He’s back now by a stroke of luck that only seemed to strike again when he saw your familiar figure through Yuuji’s vision. The cursed energy that radiated off of you, the sword you carried by your side, even your face, there was no doubt in his mind that it was the work of fate that you and him were reunited in this new era.
He made the mistake of letting you out of his sight back then, and he isn’t going to let it happen again. He wants to take control over his vessel's body each and every time he’s anywhere within your vicinity, but not only does the brat have the convenient ability to suppress him, you’re a rather cautious one. Just when he thinks Yuuji to be alone and susceptible, you appear out of thin air and keep him at a standstill from within. It’s annoying, but at the same time impressive as well.
While you may be oblivious to his vessel’s budding feelings towards you, he sees this growing fondness Yuuji is beginning to garner towards you as an opportunity, a weakness he can exploit to force a small rematch between you and him. He won’t kill you. He just wants to know if your technique that surprised and caught him off guard back then still elicits the same thrill it did then.
You are his favorite source of entertainment after all, and it’s been far too long since he’s been amused.
Sloppy and desperate. Those are the best descriptors of your cursed energy the first time he detected it. Your sword still remains as beautiful and deadly as it was, cutting through rows of trees with ease with just the slightest bit of cursed energy embedded into your attack. It makes the phantom sensation of his vessel’s freshly ripped out heart, beat faster and his grin widens to the point of his cheeks hurting from the uncontrollable strain.
Precise and brutal. That is how he would describe your energy now. He easily feels the hatred and sudden rage that began to fuel and flare up your aura oozing out of you that only further accentuates its new characteristics. Normally, you would be swearing at him with a mouth so foul that it would make the average curse blush in embarrassment. He can’t say he likes the way you silently assault him. Where is that crude vocabulary of yours?
“Senpai!” Megumi shouts for your attention as he tries to keep up with your fast paced exchange with Sukuna. “You need to call down-”
“Megumi, don’t call me your damn Senpai!” You shout in response, eyes never daring to look away from Sukuna even as you address your classmate.
“That’s more like it!” he cheers with satisfaction. “Oh, how I’ve missed your damning words beloved.”
“Don’t call me that!” you shout as you swing your right arm and impulsively punch him. He easily blocks your melee, though you send him skidding back a few feet.
With the much needed space set between the two of you, you correct your stance to a more defensive one. Your innate technique has been actively running ever since Sukuna took over Yuuji’s body and activated his domain expansion. Your sudden bout of rage overwhelmed you after witnessing Sukuna rip Yuuji’s heart out, nearly forgetting that you’ve been barred from the ability to inflict any lasting damage against him in your frenzied state.
Your inherited technique allows you to perfectly parry his ‘Dismantle’ and ‘Cleave’, but no damage will be inflicted if you purposely strike with the intention of dealing a lethal blow as you have been for the past few minutes. Your sword is blunt upon contact, evident by the lack of any lacerations upon his skin.
He may have offered the chance to heal Yuuji if you agreed to spar with him, but you know better than anyone that it’s all a bunch of lies coming out of his stolen lips. Yuuji was lost the moment Sukuna came out and set his sight on you, or rather, who he believes you to be. You’d easily blame yourself for being the cause of his demise, but you also know that Yuuji wouldn’t like it if you blame yourself over this from the afterlife.
The least you can do to make it up to him is bring his body back so it can be properly cremated. He at least deserves a proper funeral.
“All tuckered out already?” Sukuna mockingly coos at you. “I suppose that’s to be expected. How long has it been since our last battle? I doubt there was any curse who could live up to my strength this past millennium.” He cackles when you don’t reply. He’s right. He knows he is.
You finally break your silence with an odd comment. “You really think I’m them, do you?”
Though obviously rhetoric, Sukuna gives you a questioning look. “Elaborate,” he commands.
“I’m not who you think I am,” you simply state. “I have the same technique as them, but I am not the one who sealed you away that fateful night. That person is my predecessor, while I am their descendant.”
You state your family name, then your first name, and wait. He willingly takes in this information, cupping his chin and looking up at the sky as he mulls it over before coming to his own conclusion. Unsurprisingly, he doesn’t seem to accept it as the truth, evident by the way he slips his hands back in his pockets and cocks his head at you with a playful attitude.
“Whatever the punchline was, I’m afraid it fell flat,” he lets out a sympathetic laugh. “You mean to tell me that after I was sealed away, you found yourself a spouse willing to take you, a washed up whore, into their bosom and bear children with you?”
The way he shakes his head and clicks his tongue in a dismissive manner pisses you off more than watching him crush Yuuji’s heart in his bare hand. Most of the memories of your ancestor revolve around their time as one of Sukuna’s concubines. The memories you have of their life afterwards are foggy at best, but you do remember the feeling of peace as well an overwhelming amount of bliss and mutual love their spouse gave them despite their history. It was one of the happiest moments of their life and it never once faltered even after they retold their darkest memories to their children and handed down their initial will, to always oppose the king of curses, no matter the era.
People may think it cruel, selfish even, that they did not strive to develop a better technique and pass down such a heavy responsibility to their children and their children’s children. But if there’s anything those hazy memories taught you, is that they do not regret the efforts that they did make to set themselves, and the others under his servitude, free from his tyranny. Had they submitted and gave into his whims, they would have never been blessed with their children and loving spouse.
Had they not done what they did, acted the way they did, you would not be here, opposing the king of curses within this new era of curses.
“I have never lied to you,” you repeat those now ancient words. “The least you can do is give me the benefit of the doubt before dubbing me a liar.”
It happened so fast that you question if it even happened or not. His eyebrows furrowed, the exact same manner when your ancestor severed the first of his twenty fingers on that fateful night.
When he began to approach you, you sheath your blade and returned to a neutral stance, feeling safe to do so as the previous hostile energy he exuded calms. Megumi stumbles in just in time to see Sukuna and you standing nearly chest to chest. He presses his palms together in preparation to summon one of his shikigami to provide support, but he stops his incantation when he notices that neither of you are exchanging blows anymore, though the two of you do exchange unfaltering glares towards each other that puts Megumi on edge even though he is merely a spectator in this situation.
“I am not them,” you firmly state. “This is the truth.”
Sukuna hums, dissatisfaction clear as you repeat your claim from earlier.
“It seems you weren’t lying,” he finally concedes. “Such a shame.”
With one final shrug, the black markings all over Yuuji’s chest and limbs begin to crumble until there's nothing but his unblemished skin. The sharper features his face takes on when Sukuna takes control and taints with his sigils turn back into those belonging to the typically boisterous boy.
“Hey,” his slightly raspy and confused voice greets you so genuinely.
“Hey,” you greet him back with a relieved, yet sad smile. His eyes follow yours that seemed focused on his chest and that’s when he finally notices the gaping hole as well as the lack of a beating heart and blood trail.
The grey clouds that have been gathering before you all were dropped off at the school finally begin to shed droplets of cold rain down on you. A drop lands perfectly on his face that looks indistinguishable to a shed tear. You instinctively reach out and wipe it away.
“I’m sorry you had to see me like this,” he pouts.
“It’s alright,” you withdraw your hand away from his cold and sickeningly pale cheek. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you from him.”
He took a deep breath as if he was about to say something else, but his eyes finally go blank and his upright body gives out and falls forward. You catch him with ease and carefully set him down on the damp soil. He’s officially gone to you, yet you take extra care to cup the back of his head and gently set him down with shaking hands. As you kneel beside his stiff body, another drop falls on his face and trickles down.
You’re not sure if it’s another raindrop or the first of many teardrops that begin to spill from your tear ducts once your brain finally registers that your best friend is lying dead before you.
A week later
Yuuji is dead, yet it is as clear as the large hole in his chest that Sukuna is still living on within the body, if only barely. Ieiri, Gojo and Ijichi can’t tell, but you can. Call it yet another inherited skill or instinct, but no amount of pitiful words or comforting pats on your back from either of them are going to make you second guess yourself on this matter.
Sukuna is alive, yet for some reason he isn’t staking his claim on the body. You know he can at any moment, but it seems he’s not entirely stupid and is trying to play his cards right.
Perhaps he’s waiting for something? Maybe a certain someone instead? It wouldn’t surprise you if he has allies that are still alive and are well aware of his resurrection. It wouldn’t surprise you either if they were gathering his other fingers in his stead. Those damn things are blinking beacons for other curses, so gathering them shouldn’t be hard even for the most mediocre of cursed beings. Even when he’s made into a bunch of inanimate objects, he can still cause some amount of chaos and grief.
Damn him.
Your claim that Sukuna still lives goes from outlandish and desperate to undoubtedly true when a faint pulse of his energy brings everyone’s attention to Yuuji’s corpse and puts you all on the defensive. It was a signal, specifically for you. He wants you to come to him, within his own playing field and without the prying eyes of your superiors or the chance for any outside interference from your teacher.
Speaking of Gojo, he’s been trying to pull you away from Yuuji’s corpse and usher you out of the room for your own protection.
“He wants to talk to me,” you state the obvious to him.
“Yeah, that’s not happening,” he says with finality. It’s almost adorable how he’s trying to play the role of the stern authority figure when he’s normally such an eccentric man 99% of the time. “C’mon, you need to leave.”
“Gojo-sensei,” you reach up to your shoulder that he’s tightly gripping and gently pry his hand off. “I mean no disrespect to you, or anyone at this school for that matter. But when it comes to matters regarding Ryomen Sukuna, you and the higher ups don’t know a damn thing about that monster.”
Your hand hastily reaches out and your fingertips merely graze against Yuuji’s cold and rigid skin. Just that slight contact is enough to have your surroundings shift from a stagnant and grey autopsy room to a dark and brooding domain. You blink away the dizziness from your sudden shift of reality and the first thing you notice is the pile of ox skulls. You also notice the endless rows of ribs high up in the air that further add towards the domain’s ominousness.
“I’m here!” you cup your hands around your mouth as you yell out. “The hell do you want from me you two-faced bastard?!”
“Quit screaming,” his annoyed yet strangely soft voice startles you. You abruptly turn around to meet him face to face.
“Where’s Yuuji?” you ask with command behind your infliction.
“There’s no one else but us,” he says in a poor attempt to make you drop your defensive body posture. When he notices that you aren’t relaxing, he points behind you with an annoyed glare. You turn to see nothing but the collection of dirtied animal skulls, but at the last second you see an unconscious Yuuji planted face down into the ankle deep water (blood?) at the bottom of the mountainous pile. Upon seeing the familiar tuft of pink hair, you sprint towards his unmoving body. You flip him upwards once he’s in reach, fearing he was drowning or at the very least injured in some way.
As you try to gently coax or check for any sign of life within your friend, you ignore or even fail to notice the way Sukuna observes you from behind. The boy is unconscious only due to Sukuna easily decapitating him earlier as they fought over the conditions of the binding vow he was enforcing in exchange for healing his vessel’s body and bringing him back to life. Just as he was about to uphold his end of the vow, he felt as you entered the room his vessel’s lifeless body was most definitely being stored to be later cremated.
His reaching out to you was an impulsive action on his part. He now knows that the one who stands before him is truly not you. Your energy and your descendants are near indistinguishable, so his sudden call of you was a mere force of habit and his prevailing desire to chase after you. It’s not his brightest moment, but you tend to make him act beyond what is usually his typical behavior.
As he watches your descendant talk to a half awake and delirious Yuuji, he can’t help but to examine them with a bit of awe. The one before him is your descendant of a thousand years, perhaps even more. They are your flesh and blood, and yet they retain not only your image, but even some of your memories as well. He doesn’t know what to think of this revelation, truly he doesn’t.
The only thing that’s rubbing him the wrong way is the fact that they are not a product between you and him. It’s not that he has or had any sort of unfulfilled paternal desire locked deep within him. Even if he did contemplate producing a few offspring before his temporary demise, he only wanted children for the same reason he wanted a harem, as a source of amusement that he can freely manipulate however he sees fit. Perhaps he did consider impregnating a few dozen of his concubines to see if any could birth him an heir worthy of his legacy, but the entire process was too much of a hassle that he wasn’t willing to deal with at the time. He had no pure intentions when it comes to spreading his seed into the world.
So why is he angry that you went ahead and did so without him?
“Your ancestor’s spouse,” he idly mentions in an attempt to garner their careful attention. From the way they stiffen up and look at him with that familiar glare of yours, he has it. “What were they like?”
“As if I’d tell you,” they say.
“I see you inherited their stubbornness,” he huffs with annoyance, but deep down in the deepest and most hidden parts of his mind, he feels somewhat glad that your stubbornness continues to live on in the world. “Tell me, and I’ll let you return with Yuuji-”
“Their spouse was just as stubborn as they were,” they cut him off with an immediate answer. “No matter how many times they tried to ignore or downplay their advances, they continued to chase after my predecessor until it was as obvious as the sun that they truly wanted to be together with them and make them happy.”
As he expected, their recollection of your life after him is too disgustingly domestic and romanticized for his liking. What does come at a surprise is that they completely went against their earlier proclamation of remaining silent and divulged him on the information he initially asked of you rather readily. Something must have switched in their mind. Are they trying to get back at him on your behalf by proudly stating that you lived a happy life without him?
“That’s exactly what I’m doing,” they say with a smug voice. “They hated you beyond comprehension, and even if they are long gone from this world, I assure you that their hatred remains just as intense as it was when they lived.”
“Don’t be mistaken, you pathetic human,” he growls, much more angrily than normal. “I could care less who they fornicated with and how many children they produced.”
“For the self proclaimed king of curses, you sure are a terrible liar,” they say, almost pitifully. “You regret the way you treated them, don’t you? Deny it all you want, I know I’m right.”
Your last comment is the final straw. With the flick of his wrist he casts you and Yuuji out of his inner domain and back into the living world. He heals Yuuji to maintain his side of the binding vow before settling back atop his rigid throne of horned skulls. He watches through Yuuji’s eyes how the two of you squeeze each other into a firm embrace after he reawakens. When Gojo makes a comment about how Yuuji is stark naked on the metal table, he feels the immense urge to grab one of the skulls and crush it into a fine dust in his bare fist as the two of you devolve into a fit of awkward but good natured laughter at the realization.
He can’t remember a time when you ever laughed or smiled like your descendant is doing now.
Does he regret never once seeing or hearing you in such a way? Maybe.
But you’re gone, so there is no point lingering on it too much.
There’s no point in having regrets now.
Bonus
Sukuna knew it was only a matter of time before you and Yuuji solidified your relationship as a romantic one. Back in his prime, he behaved no differently than Yuuji did after he brought him back to life, straightforward and without a second thought. Ever since he stole you away from your family and home, every chance you took at defying him and damning his name into the fiery pits of hell invoked something within him. Something no other man or woman can or ever will be able to. And yet, each time he reached out to indulge himself further of you, you retreated into yourself and tried to cast him out of every corner of your mind while he tried to engrave your everything into his very being. Your behavior to his advances differ greatly from your descendant, who accepts Yuuji’s advances with an honest and willing smile.
He watches the relationship through the unsuspecting eyes of his vessel. Sometimes, he gags at how sickeningly affectionate Yuuji can be. Yet despite his behavior, your descendant drinks it all up and returns the hugs and the kisses tenfold. Nobara and Megumi often roll their eyes on the sidelines and comment on how they were practically made for each other. Sukuna can't help but silently roll his eyes as well as agree with their annoyed comments, even if it makes him incredibly irritated.
Will he ever admit to the latter? Never.
He does not regret the way things turned out between you and him. He cannot regret for the sake of his sanity. Instead, he often ponders about the possibilities. Had he not taken you from your home, could there have been a chance you and him could have been friends despite his reputation at the time? If he courted you properly instead of forcing you into his collection of common whores, could you look at him the same way your descendant looks at Yuuji, with so much love and tenderness that it makes his stomach twist into knots and the back of his throat burn? Despite being a curse who sustains himself on his pure carnal desires, could he have been selfless and put forth the efforts to make you happy?
During nights when they share a bed together, he sneaks control over the body and traces what was once your face with his black painted claws. Could you ever look so peaceful as your descendant does now if you laid beside him? Would you remain in his bed until the sun rises instead of fleeing? Would your body feel just as warm, fit just as perfectly in his embrace as your descendant does?
Sukuna does not regret the path he took. He cannot, for the sake of his sanity. He does wonder about the possibilities.
He wonders, could this descendant of yours have been his as well?
#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jujutsu kaisen headcanons#jujutsu kaisen imagines#jujustu kaisen spoilers#jjk x reader#jjk imagines#jjk headcanons#itadori yuuji x reader#itadori yuuji#itadori x reader#sukuna#ryomen sukuna#sukuna x reader#ryomen sukuna x reader#gojo satoru#megumi fushiguro#kugisaki nobara#no regrets oneshot#writing
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ooooooooooohhhhhhh bully!bakugo pleaseeeeee feed me! like I don't know if you do underage things like school, but you can keep it sfw
yandere bully ! BAKUGO KATSUKI
goodiebag WARNINGS: abuse, anxiety, bullying, paranoia, NONCON elements, stalking, manipulation, profanity, anger issues, arson mentions, trauma
TIP-JAR
PART TWO
IN CASE OF FIRE: PUSH ALARM
In many ways, Bakugo was her morning alarm clock.
A shrill shriek of a sound she wanted nothing more but to ignore and rake at her ears until she grew deaf. An impact, taking a toll on her whole day. Something to regret. And something to dread the next morning.
Something that follows her, haunts her, hunts her in the hours she’s without it and blares like sirens or howls from some great monster when it’s caught her.
Alarm clocks can’t push her to the ground though, that’s where Bakugo deviates.
And he’s always pushing. Toppling her books with a flick of his wrist. Pushing and squeezing and pulling at her like a rag doll. Pushing her into the wall. Pushing screams to come bursting from her lungs. Pushing tears to well up in her eyes. Pushing her sanity.
And now, pushing his knee in between the space of her thighs. Grinding her up against the wall in the barren hall of an empty school. Pushing and digging callous fingers into her thin uniform. Messaging the tender ticklish flesh of her midriff and keeping her in place. Pushing and seizing her breaths with his wicked grin. Teeth sharp and deadly and way too close to her neck.
“Let go!” She screamed. And the echo that reverberated throughout the hallway should have sent every packed classroom to flood the tight space.
But it was a field-day, which meant no classes and everyone outside enjoying the sun.
Except for her and Bakugo.
Cocking his chin in impish humour. He grinned too widely for it to be excused for mere casual bullying.
“Or what?” He coaxed. His breath fanning over cheeks. Wafting into her nose, making her entire face contort. “You’ll tell on me?”
He manipulated his voice to sound childish and whiny. Pouting at her. Yet the sheer maroon look of sadistic thrill was hard to put any mask over.
“Ha? You think this school is gonna give two shits worth a damn about some fucking nerd like you over their top student?”
He was too wrapped up in his frenzy to pay the weak fists banging on his chest any mind. Barely even registering them before they relented. Turning soft and careful, defeated upon his words, as they dragged sloppily down his stomach. Stopping where he’d hiked her skirt up around her hips.
She looked down. The realisation of her situation settling.
Not settling like an explosion, but like dust after the fact. Just like it did every time Bakugo trapped her in a corner.
She didn’t know why she even bothered fighting anymore, knowing how she always gives up.
Her breath hitched and hiccupping as she forced herself to bargain with her bully.
“What do you want, Bakugou?” It was more of a sniffle than a sentence. Meek and feeble and delicious.
But it was wrong in its essence.
“Katsuki.” He growled. His nose touching hers briefly, making her screw her eyes shut in pure crippling fear.
Another thing an alarm clock couldn’t. Come to think of it, perhaps he was rather the sound of bones breaking, or clothes tearing. His laughter like gunshots, and every move he made an explosion that left the ears bleeding and ringing.
“I don’t know how many times I have to tell you for you to get it through your thick skull. It’s Katsuki.”
His grip on her waist tightened. And she was sure his claws would rip yet another one of her thin white shirts.
The disgusting instruction left her baffled each time. How he would force her to call him by his given name as though they were good friends as opposed to predator and prey.
“Say it.”
His features were blank in expectancy. Cold despite his fingertips warming.
“Come on! Fucking say it!” Spit flew as he barked his command as he pushed her just a smidge further into the wall.
Her whole body shook. Kept in place by the hold he had on her, but still trembling violently like a leaf caught in a storm.
“Katsuki...”
It was barely audible, but he didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he was rather overcome with satisfaction instead.
“Good.” He seemed subdued.
Calming down as his fingers relented their building fire. Cooling yet nowhere near comfortable.
“Good girl.”
It was close to a purr of some sorts and it made her stomach fold and topple in on itself, as he stroked a stray curl from out of her face. The action only resulting in even more locks of hair falling before her eyes as she shook her head as a means to swat his hand away. Where her own hands were too busy in their position on his chest, in a means to keep him at bay. But it was of little use as his face closed in on hers.
Leaning, towering, suffocating.
“Baku-”
Fear of what it looked as though he was about to do crippled the notion of it being ridiculous. But the protest was weak, even as her nails dug into the hardness of his chest.
Her voice overpowered by his, despite it being only a ragged whisper.
“Kiss me.”
Her suspicions where answered, but it only aided in her dread.
“Ba-”
She shifted her head to the side to avoid him. Panic consuming her.
But his large encompassing hand was quick in finding her cheek. Cupping it in its callous palm and forcing her to face him yet again.
“Are you deaf? I said kiss me!” He roared. The sound once again blaring like thunder from the gods in her ears.
However, despite his lips coming to attack her and the threat of his sharp fangs that could easily bruise her, she continued to push at him. Trying to pry him off her and run like the prey he had made it clear that she was.
“No.”
It surprised him to say the least.
Small, weak protests he could brush of with a shrug was nothing he wasn’t used to, but firm acts of retaliation was new.
Granted, he’d never tried kissing her. Always settling for feeling her ample supple flesh in his hands and seeing that sweet look on her face. Feeling his pants grow tight and jacking of in the school showers when no one was there to see him in the downright pathetic state.
“No?”
His brow quirked. His mouth a firm line until it once again sprung into his signature smirk.
“How about this? Kiss me and I’ll stop.”
Her eyes softened at that. Growing large. And he swore he could see her ears draw back.
There was no doubt she was surprised, intrigued, tempted.
“That’s right.” He drawled.
His thumb rubbed across her bottom lip and she was too consumed by his offer to mind.
“I’ll stop following you around, pushing you, calling you names. I’ll stop it all.”
He drew closer, to her ear. Lips ghosting her temple. Relishing the moment when he felt her shiver because of it.
“And all I ask in return is a little kiss.”
Pulling away, he looked content at first, but soon his features turned malicious once again.
“But... if you refuse... I’ll tell everyone about what a little slut you are. About how you love sucking my cock like a good little cumdumpster.”
She looked horrified at that. Her tears finally spilling over.
“But I-” She stuttered but he paid her no mind.
Already knowing whatever she was about to say.
“Who’s gonna believe you? It’s my word against yours. What are people gonna think? Huh? You think you’ll have any friends left after I run that rumour? Nah... you’ll have no one... and by that time, you’re gonna be begging me to kiss you.” His voice was frenzied.
And it must have purely because he was so lost in that craze, that he didn’t notice her leg coming to kick him in the groin.
She was thoroughly disgusted. Mostly with him, but also with herself to even having considered demeaning herself like that.
“Fuck you.”
His hold relented at the assault. And despite it being a mere temporary act, one he soon recovered from, it was enough for her to start sprinting.
“Fuck me?” He had to laugh.
And she was right. The noise really did sound like gunshots being fired at her as she ran for her life.
“That’s what the whole school’s gonna think you did come tomorrow!”
Falling onto the floor. His arms and legs spread like a starfish he couldn’t stop cackling, as though mad. Excited and thrilled, even with the stinging pain still spurring in his ball-sack. Heck, maybe even because of it.
This was fun. This was very fun.
His voice mellowed down.
“I’m gonna get you… one way or the other…”
Good thing he knows where she lives.
Good thing she didn’t live too far away.
Good thing she hadn’t kissed him.
Good thing he wasn’t forced to become a liar when continuing to force her to do as he wished.
Good thing there was plenty of broom-closets in the school.
Good thing she couldn’t do shit to stop him.
TIP-JAR
PART TWO
#yandere katsuki#yandere bakugo katsuki#yandere bakugo#yandere boku no hero academia#yandere#yandere bnha#yandere mha#bakugou katsuki#katsuki#Katsuki Bakugō#bakugou x reader#mha bakugou#bnha bakugo katsuki#katsukibakugou#bakugo x y/n#bakugo#yandere bakugou#katsuki bakugo imagine#bakugou#yandere katsuki bakugou#katsuki bakugo fanfiction#katsuki bakugo x reader
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Levi the Reluctant Hero
I wrote a post last night about one of Levi’s short stories from Vol. 1, in which he dreams of all his comrades dressed in fine clothing, living the high life of the MP’s, and he thinks, at first, how wrong they all look dressed like that, before Hange, in his dream, asks “But it’s better than this, right?”, before they all fall to the ground and begin to bleed out, and Levi then wakes, and tries to convince himself that all he has to do is protect them, and defend the choice they’ve made to live the life of a Scout. My post went into discussing the conflict between Levi’s desire to protect the lives of his friends and comrades, to keep them safe, and his own duty as a Scout to fight for humanity, and accept the many losses necessary among their number to make the Survey Corps’ goal a reality.
Well, it got me thinking more of the subject of that conflict within Levi, and in particular, about how that struggle was further impacted by his discovery of Erwin’s true motivations.
What’s interesting to note about Levi is that, as far as we know, he is the ONLY member of the SC who was pressed into service, whereas everyone else there is a volunteer, willingly signing up out of their own volition. Levi ends up staying with the SC after Erwin convinces him that his strength and skill are needed by humanity in order to win the war against the Titans, in order for humanity to achieve its freedom and salvation. And more to the point, Levi ends up becoming incredibly loyal towards Erwin, and trusting of Erwin’s judgment, always following his orders dutifully, even when he himself feels dubious as to his plans and course of action. Levi follows Erwin with such devoted dedication because he genuinely believes that all of Erwin’s great vision and tactical genius is being implemented for the greater good of all humanity, because he believes Erwin can see a path toward succeeding in that goal that Levi himself, and no one else either, is capable of seeing.
We see, more than once, Levi express his discomfort or dislike of Erwin’s plans, most particularly when it involves endangering the lives of the SC members. Like, for example, in Trost, when we see Levi’s hands literally shaking out of anxiety and dismay at the battle that breaks out there, and his inability to join in the fight, or before that, during the battle with the Female Titan in the forest, first when Levi snapped at Erwin for trying to give him the credit for their success in trapping her, and then later, when Levi wishes to go find his squad, and Erwin stops him from going. But still, Levi yields to Erwin’s commands and tells him he’ll “trust his judgment”.
How this relates to my post from last night is in the fact that Levi follows Erwin’s orders, even when it means the deaths of his comrades is more than just a possibility, but even a certainty, and how that choice to follow Erwin is particularly remarkable, because it goes against every instinct and desire Levi himself has. Levi’s first and foremost wish, during every battle we see him in, is to protect the lives of his comrades. He goes so far as to order them, both in Shinganshina and later in Liberio to “not die” and “survive”, as if he simply won’t accept anything less than them making it out alive. In Shinganshina, Levi took the bulk of the burden onto himself while trying to protect the horses from the numerous smaller titans because the other Scouts with him were new recruits and inexperienced, and he wanted to save them from having to engage with titans as much as he possibly could. And when the Beast Titan began throwing boulders at them, Levi’s first action was to try and rally everyone to scale the wall and get to the other side, where he believed they would find safety. There’s plenty of other examples throughout the manga in which Levi does all he can to save the life of not only his comrades, but even total strangers. My point is, to Levi, the most important thing of all is the lives of people. He places the most value, the most worth, on people’s lives, and in his view, protecting those lives is what matters most, and what he, personally, can do best.
And so, it is no doubt particularly difficult for him to put that instinct and priority and desire aside when Erwin orders him to, in order to execute his plans. Like, again, in the battle with the Female Titan, when Levi has to hold himself back from intervening with the soldiers engaging her while he and his squad lead her into Erwin’s trap, or again in Trost, or again in Shinganshina, etc... Levi is only able to put aside his own instincts and desires to follow Erwin because he believes wholeheartedly in Erwin’s own, altruistic goal, that is, the salvation of humanity. Erwin himself convinced Levi of this during the climactic moment of “No Regrets”, when he gives Levi his speech about only being able to defeat the Titans and free humanity from their terror by riding out beyond the walls and fighting back, by discovering where they come from and thus, discovering their weaknesses. He convinces Levi that this is a worthy goal, a noble goal, worth sacrificing their lives for and, if he lends his strength to the SC, he can help make this dream a reality, and that Erwin himself possesses a special scope of vision which he will apply with total dedication to also making this dream a reality.
It’s this belief in Erwin, and in Erwin’s speech, that leads Levi to follow him so loyally.
What’s really prevalent here is that Erwin convinces Levi specifically that to sacrifices ones life for the cause of the SC is a worthy and meaningful sacrifice. Before Erwin begins his speech, Levi is grief stricken over the loss of Furlan and Isabel, and after Erwin reveals how he used all of them in his plans to incriminate Lovof, Levi says to him, in clear anguish, “It wasn’t worth throwing away their lives! They were nothing but pawns in your worthless game.” He thinks Erwin’s used and sacrificed the lives of his friends for something as stupid and meaningless as catching a white collar criminal. And then Erwin goes into his speech about freeing humanity, and essentially convinces Levi that his friends didn’t die for a “worthless game”, but for the greater good, for the salvation and freedom and dreams of all humanity, and this is what gets Levi to accept Erwin’s offer and stay. This belief that he, and all of them, are fighting and sacrificing themselves for a better and safer world, in which people can live without fear or constriction, in which people’s lives themselves will be bettered. It’s this belief that allows Levi to accept the loss of lives within the ranks of his comrades, even as he wishes desperately that he could protect them all. He trusts Erwin is doing the right thing, because he believes in Erwin’s own goodness, and believes Erwin, like him, just wants to help people.
One of the things Levi struggles with most throughout the story, I think, and in particular, during the final arc, is the belief that all they’ve been fighting for is actually worth the loss of life they’ve all experienced. I think this was always a struggle for Levi, because I think it was always hard for Levi to even believe in the possibility of a better, safer, happier world, because he himself came from a world of such desperate struggle and hardship. But he believed in Erwin, and that gave Levi the strength to trust in its possibility, and to dedicate himself to the cause, even as he suffered immensely with each lost comrade.
And then he learns the truth about Erwin, which is that he hasn’t been fighting for humanity’s salvation, and his plans, which relied on the heavy sacrifices of their comrades, weren’t devised with the goal of humanity’s freedom at their core. Instead, Erwin has been fighting and sacrificing the lives of his comrades for a personal goal, both of getting revenge for his father by discovering the existence of humanity beyond the walls and proving him right in the process, and, I think, for the sake of knowledge itself, wanting to simply know.
This realization, for Levi, must have been utterly devastating, because suddenly it’s like everything he accused Erwin of before, while holding his blade to his throat and telling him that the lives of his friends weren’t worth his “worthless game” has come true. Beyond that even, the lives of every one of Levi’s comrades that he allowed to be sacrificed per Erwin’s orders, has suddenly lost it’s purpose. Suddenly, all those lives that Levi held himself back from protecting because they needed to be sacrificed to achieve the higher goal of humanity’s salvation, has been rendered meaningless, their death’s rendered pointless. And as is demonstrated again and again throughout the story, nothing is more horrific to Levi than a meaningless death, a pointless loss of life.
So here we see Levi’s true sense of betrayal, when he discovers Erwin’s true motivation. It’s not just that Erwin lied to him, it’s that Erwin convinced Levi that the goal of the Survey Corps, the salvation of humanity, was worth the sacrifice of his fellow soldiers lives, and now Levi discovers that none of those lives were sacrificed for any such noble cause, but rather a petty and selfish one, and that Levi himself helped facilitate those deaths by choosing to follow a man with loyal dedication because he believed in him and his vision so completely. The sense of guilt Levi must have felt, himself, upon discovering Erwin’s true motives, must have been overwhelming.
Further, it must have reignited Levi’s own struggle with believing the sacrifices of his fellow soldiers lives were worth it, even IF the goal was the salvation of humanity. He trusted in Erwin’s words, but it turned out Erwin lied about his true goal, and this in turn must have also caused Levi to doubt whether what Erwin said about the worth of sacrificing their lives for humanity’s freedom was even true. Whether it was really the right decision for any of them, to have given up on all their dreams and hopes, and to put their lives on the line, in the first place, even if they’d been fighting for something as noble, but also as distant, as a better world.
This struggle and conflict in Levi is never more evident than during the final arc of SnK, in which he openly wears an expression of heartbreaking grief and despair, as he has to watch more and more of his comrades lose their lives, and indeed, all of humanity lose their lives.
It all truly goes against everything Levi believes in, which is that people’s lives have value, and are worth something, and that they deserve to be preserved, and yet he’s put into a position again and again of having to watch people’s lives be snuffed out, whether by choice, in the case of his comrades sacrificing themselves for a greater good, or not by choice, people being killed just due to the circumstances of war.
I said in my post from last night that if it were up to Levi, I don’t think he would ever choose to place the people he cares about in harms way. I think he would do everything in his power to keep them out of combat situations, or any situation which could endanger their lives, and he would want them to simply just live long and happy and safe lives, in which they get to realize their hopes and dreams. But because it isn’t up to Levi, because the people he is close to and cares about have THEMSELVES chosen this path of self-sacrifice, he instead does the only thing he can, which is to try and protect them and keep them alive. This is one of the reasons Levi takes action, takes initiative more quickly than anyone else, why he never hesitates. Because if it means defending the lives of his friends and comrades, he’ll do whatever it takes, including bloodying his own hands, without thought spared for himself or the toll of it on him.
But of course, his dedication to that runs into direct conflict with his dedication to Erwin and the goal of the SC, which is to achieve humanity’s freedom, and Levi often is forced to choose between the two, often having to give up on his personal desire to save individual lives in order to achieve the higher cause of saving the human race.
Thinking about this in the context of Levi’s discovery about Erwin especially hurts, because it really underlines just how deep a sense of betrayal it had to have caused in Levi, to know he’s set aside his own need and want to help people, and allowed so many of his comrades to die for a cause which he now knows wasn’t, in fact, worth it.
Of course, Erwin then gives up his selfish dream and rededicates himself to the higher goal of humanity’s salvation, and that allows Levi to continue fighting at his side and to follow his orders. But it throws Levi’s feelings about Erwin’s and the other Scouts charge at the Beast Titan into greater relief, because he’s just gone through a period of extreme doubt and turmoil as to the meaning, as to the point of all the lives he’s had to see sacrificed during his years in the SC, and now, here, again, he’s having to allow more lives still to be given, unable to intervene or protect them because it’s necessary in order to keep the hope for humanity alive.
We see how hard Levi takes every death of every soldier both under his command and not, throughout the story. We see it with his own squad after he discovers their bodies in the forest, we see it with Niffa, after Kenny kills her, we see it with the soldiers in Shinganshina, and Erwin, we see it with his men in the forest after Zeke turns them into Titans, we see it with Hange, etc... He takes all of their deaths so deeply to heart, because Levi is such a deeply caring and compassionate man, who sees great value in the lives of all people. And honestly, that makes his willingness to fight for and defend their dreams and choices, even when those dreams and choices endanger their very lives, all the more remarkable, precisely because it’s so hard for him, precisely because he doesn’t WANT to let them sacrifice themselves, he wants to protect them. Precisely because, each time one of them loses their lives, it takes something vital out of Levi himself. He suffers the weight of their loss at his core. It HURTS him. To support their choices, their dreams and ambitions and goals, Levi is then an active participant in causing himself pain, and yet still, he does it, and that really is the definition of a selfless hero. He knows the price he’ll have to pay, the toll on himself for putting aside his own desire to protect and save all of them, and he does it anyway, for them, and for humanity.
But as determinedly as Levi tries never to regret his choices, I think it’s clear he struggles immensely with doing so, because he’s never certain as to whether any of it is worth it. He wants so much to protect the lives of those he loves and cares for, and wants so much, also, to fight for and help them realize their dreams. He went to the surface with Furlan and Isabel exactly for this reason, because their dream was to live up above, all while going against his own wish to simply stay in the Underground and take care of them. And he ended up losing them because of it, the same as he ended up losing so many other friends and comrades, because of fighting for their dream of a world free from Titans.
This constant conflict, this constant pull back and forth within Levi, between wanting to protect and preserve the lives of those he cares for, and wanting to support and defend and fight for their dreams, is an aspect of his character which is, I think, deeply tragic.
It’s like he can’t win for losing.
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Not Like Them
Pairing: Marcus Pike x GN!Reader
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2,524
Warnings: Mentions of Domestic Abuse/Violence, addressing past traumas with DV, food mention, no beta, no y/n
Summary: After an exhausting week at work, Marcus comes home to you with news of a trip to visit his parents. When your unexpected reaction catches him off-guard, he snaps at you, brining up your past traumas. But Marcus isn’t the same as your past traumas, and makes you a promise to keep you safe.
A/N: This comes as a request from a lovely anon! And I just want to say that lovely, I’m sorry you’ve had to struggle with something like this before in the past. I hope this fic brings you a little bit of comfort and know that my inbox is open if you ever need to talk.
Masterlist | Ao3 | Ko-fi
It had been a leap of faith, saying yes to the excitable and extraordinarily kind FBI agent. A leap that you weren’t sure you would ever be able to take, given what your life growing up had been. But there was something in the softness of his rich brown eyes, something in the way they crinkled in the corners when he smiled, or the way he laughed with his whole being. Something in the way that he said your name and when he was focused on you, he was singularly focused on you, that just assuaged the worries that ate at the back of your mind.
So, the day he asked you out to pancakes for dinner when you passed him in the hall of your apartment, you said yes. And the day he asked to make it official, you said yes. When he asked you to move in with him, you said yes. Yes, yes, yes.
...No.
Those two little letters are what started this entire debacle. Thinking it over, you aren’t even really sure why you said no to his request. It had been innocuous enough, him wanting to bring you home to Texas with him to meet his parents in person for the first time. You’ve talked with them plenty over the phone and facetime, so you aren’t sure why going to see them settled something so anxiety inducing in your gut. But it did, and so you told Marcus no, a knee-jerk reaction.
It had been a long week for the gentle FBI agent. Long nights spent on stake outs when he would much rather be home with you paired with the seemingly endless mountains of paperwork that kept ending up on his desk has him in a downright awful mood with the only thing keeping his spirits up being you, and getting to finally introduce you to his parents. In person. The three most important people in his life all together at last.
He had greeted you as he always does when he made it home, slipping out of his shoes and suit jacket before coming to find you, gifting you with a kiss as he took you in his arms. You looked amazing, as you always do, and it only made his heart swell even more. He had wanted to surprise you with news about the trip over dinner, but he just couldn’t seem to help himself, blurting out how he already had tickets booked. But your reaction could not have caught him more by surprise.
Two little letters left him feeling like you had just sucker punched him in the gut, forcing the air out of his lungs as you carefully extracted yourself from his arms.
“What do you mean ‘no’?” he snaps, far more harshly than the situation called for as confusion and hurt and exhaustion all muddle his thoughts, and you take a step back from him, bringing your arms up to hold yourself as he stands seething with his hands on his hips.
“I-I mean that I-I don’t want to… to go. I don’t want to, Marcus.” Your voice is small and squeaky as you stare at him with wide eyes, terrified of what he might do next. Images flash through your mind of your life growing up. The yelling and the harsh words, the crashing and smashing of things through the house, the nights spent hiding in your closet with your hands over your ears in a desperate attempt to block out the sounds of a relationship left to rot on the vine. And though the rational part of your brain tells you that Marcus would never do something like that, seeing the man you have come to love standing furious in front of you sends fear sliding down your spine like ice water.
“Do you not realize how important this is to me?!” He yells, tossing his hands in the air in exasperation as his eyes narrow at you and you whimper, shrinking away from him as you move to put the island between yourself and Marcus.
The sound hits him like a freight train. It’s a small sound, one barely there, but it’s full of fear. Fear of him.
Oh. Oh, God.
The color drains from Marcus’ face and he slowly lowers his hands, eyes going wide. He holds out his hands in a placating manner, lowering his voice as he quells his vehement reaction in an attempt to calm you down. “Baby… baby, I’m so sorry.”
Your bottom lip trembles and you shake your head slightly, refusing to move back towards him. That was how it had started when you were younger. Loud, accusatory arguments followed by placative apologies. Those always got worse and worse and worse until your grandmother was coming to get you out of the house, trying to hide your line of sight to your parents. But… but Marcus would never put his hands on you… right?
As if to answer your question, he drops his hands and takes a few steps back away from you, making sure to stay clear of the hallway. He’s… he’s giving you a way out, you realize. He’s left a wide enough berth between himself and the hallway, that he wouldn’t be able to reach you if you decided to dart past him and lock yourself somewhere out of his reach. And… and oh my God he looks so deflated. Those lustrous brown eyes look so dull and sad. His strong, broad shoulders are slumped and he seems to be curling in on himself, trying to make himself look smaller, less threatening.
Your eyes dart between the hallway and the man you love as you try to reason with your fight or flight response, your heart still hammering in your chest as adrenaline courses through your veins.
“I… I’m going to shower,” you whisper, side-stepping out of the kitchen, keeping your front directed at Marcus until you’re at the hall, at which point you sprint to the bedroom, grabbing some clothes before ducking into the bathroom. The click of the lock causes your shoulders to relax, and the damn of emotions breaks within you. Tears begin streaming down your cheeks as you turn on the water to cover the sobs that wrack your chest as you climb into the tub, sitting under the stream until the water runs cold.
Marcus’ aches to reach out for you as you dart past him, but he knows better. Hell, he knew better than to yell at you like that, especially in a place where you would feel so cornered, like the kitchen with no way out. He groans, swiping a hand over his face as guilt and regret settle heavy in his stomach. You’d been forthcoming with him, explaining to him your hesitancy at the beginning of your relationship and he had promised you he would do his best to make sure you never had to relive such a situation again. And yet, here he is, bringing your past back to haunt you. He knows his reaction was due to the awful week he’s had, but that was still no excuse to yell at you. And he knows to force you to be okay with him again is something he can’t do. He’ll need to let you come back to him on your own terms. But that doesn’t mean he can’t make a peace offering… right?
His eyes scan over the kitchen, hands resting on his hips. Tonight’s a good night for that carbonara you like, he decides, rolling up his sleeves as he heads into the kitchen to begin cooking.
By the time the water runs cold, your tears have dried and your sobs have ceased. The adrenaline has worked its way through your system, leaving you tired but much more clear headed to digest what has just happened. The facts are the best place to start, you decide. You know Marcus had had a rough week, talking to you about it whenever he got the chance, and he was exhausted because of it. You know that he’s been excited to get you to see his parents in person, he’s been talking about it for months. You know your curt answer caught him by surprise, and he had zero time to prepare for it. You know he had gotten angry and yelled at you. But you also know that he had made no move to hurt you, and that this is the only time he’s ever done anything like this. He hadn’t raised his hand to strike you, he hadn’t reached for anything to throw or break. You also know that he had deliberately given you your space when he saw how scared you looked.
No…. Marcus Pike would never hurt you, you rationalize. Marcus Pike is a good man and the love of your life. But Marcus Pike is also human, with human emotions and human reactions, especially when exhausted and caught off guard. Just like you.
With a bolstering breath, you turn off the shower, stepping out to towel off and change before cautiously poking your head out of the bathroom. You’re met with the muted sound of jazz lilting from the living room paired with the smells of garlic and bacon, and your stomach growls loudly at the tantalizingly familiar scent.
Cautiously still, you make your way quietly down the hall, peaking around the corner to see Marcus over the stove, sleeves rolled up to his elbows as he hums quietly along to the music in the den.
“Marcus?” you ask softly from your observing position in the hallway. He glances back over his shoulder, giving you that beautiful, gentle smile that is so perfectly him.
“Hey beautiful. I figured that tonight would be a good night for my carbonara. I know it makes you feel better.” You take a tentative step from the hallway towards the kitchen, wrapping your arms around your front as you do. “It’s… to say sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that.” He pulls the noodles from the boiling water, adding them to the pan with the chicken and bacon before pouring in the egg and cheese mixture for the sauce, stirring vigorously.
You continue towards him, stopping at the dining table to watch him as he finishes, putting the pasta into a large serving bowl before grabbing a couple of plates and utensils, bringing everything over to the table. But he doesn’t approach you. Instead, after setting everything down, he just stands behind his chair and gives you that gentle smile of his that makes your heart pound in your chest. No. No, Marcus Pike would never hurt you. Of this, you are resolutely sure.
Slowly, you step around the chair, towards him, stopping just before him. His hands itch to reach out for you, but he lets you move on your own terms, terrified of scaring you more than he already has. It takes you a moment, but eventually, you look up at him.
“You scared me, Marcus.” His shoulders deflate at that, and he nods, defeated. He knows he did, but hearing it from your lips made it hurt ten times over. “You scared me, but… but I know you aren’t like the family that I came from.” You reach out to take his hand and he squeezes it gently in reply. “But if you keep doing that… then I can’t stay here. I can’t stay with you. I’ve been through it once, and I’m not doing it again.”
Marcus shakes his head frantically before reaching out to take your other hand. “Baby, look at me, please.” You do as he asks, the bright light of determination in his eyes very nearly taking your breath away. “I’m sorry. Baby, I am so, so sorry. I brought the burden of work home with me when I shouldn’t have, and I took my frustration out on you, which I shouldn’t have. I didn’t mean to scare you. God, making you uncomfortable in your own home, or with me in any capacity, is so far from the list of things that I want to do, that I can’t even begin to describe it.” His voice takes on a bit of a warble, thick with emotion, and it only further reinforces what you already know to be true about the man in front of you.
“I’m going to be better, I promise. Work frustrations will stay at work. I’ll be open about when I’m not doing well, and we can handle it accordingly, because baby,” he slowly reaches his hand up, knuckles brushing your cheek, and he lets out a breath when you don’t flinch away from him. “Baby I want you to feel safe here. Safe with me. Safe, and loved, and treasured, and adored. I don’t want to be the reason you feel any kind of fear of discomfort. I don’t want you to walk on eggshells around me, or hold your words back because you aren’t sure how I’d react to them. I want this house to be a home.” He cups your cheek gently, thumb brushing along your cheekbone, and you lean into his touch.
“I have… a lot that still weighs on me, Marcus…. It’s hard to unlearn those formative years. It’s all I’d ever known until I met you….”
Marcus’ eyes search yours as he nods subtly. “I know, and I want to show you what a relationship is supposed to be. I can’t promise I won’t have bad days. I can’t promise that I won’t get angry from time to time. I can’t promise that we’ll never have arguments or disagreements. But what I can promise, is that my anger will never be directed at you. Ever. I can promise that I will never raise my hand against you. I can promise to make this place as loving and safe and comfortable for you as I possibly can. And I can promise to love you with everything that I have in me for as long as you’ll have me.”
By this point, tears have welled up and overflowed in Marcus’ eyes, and you feel your own eyes misting, overwhelmed with emotion. No, Marcus Pike is nothing like your past. Marcus Pike loves you, and is determined to show you what it means to be loved. Marcus Pike is determined to take care of you, no matter what.
You don’t offer him a verbal reply. Instead, you let his hand go before throwing yourself against him, wrapping your arms around his midsection as you bury your face against his chest. He lets out a little oof of surprise before carefully wrapping his arms around you, nuzzling into your hair, and you let yourself be surrounded by everything that is purely him.
“I love you so damn much,” he murmurs into your hair, and you know he means it. You know these words aren’t meant to placate you. You know that when Marcus Pike says he loves you, that he means it with every fiber of his being. You know that here, you are safe. Here, you are loved.
~~~~~~
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