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#i have never been this exhausted in my entire life
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AITA for getting tubal ligation, eloping with my two girlfriends, adopting a cat and moving out, all in two weeks and without telling my mother?
🏥💍🐈🏠
So, I (F, 21) have been planning for a long time to sort out my life. I live in a European country, I'm in college and work part-time. For years, I've been saving up money to get financially independent as fast as possible and move out of my parents' apartment. I also wanted to have enough to pay for tubal ligation procedure, because I don't ever want children and would feel much more at ease when I'm certain that I can't physically get pregnant. My mother from the beginning was very against that idea, telling me I'll change my mind later and not to do anything permanent.
Two years ago, I've met two wonderful women, A (26) and K (23) on a discord server dedicated to our shared hobby (writing fanfiction). We'd been talking and messaging for months, eventually creating our own server and sharing our irl names and faces. It naturally progressed to a point where we chose to call it a relationship (I'm on the aroace spectrum, we're all neurodivergent and have a weird relationships with gender so it's not a traditional romantic/sexual relationship by any means). We're all from the same country so we met up a few times before deciding to all move to one city and live together. K and I are finishing our bachelor's degrees and A works from home so there weren't any obstacles. We found a flat and A moved in, waiting for me and K.
My mother knew I was bisexual and dating A and K, but thought again that it was "just a phase" and that we were only friends pretending to date for some reason. I love my parents, they are great and supportive people but sometimes it can be so exhausting to convince them of something when they believe they're absolutely right. So, I just stopped talking to my mother about my relationship and plans for the future. I visited A (and K after she moved in) in our apartment without permanently staying there yet.
A, K and I got an idea to celebrate us finishing college and A getting a job promotion by going abroad for a week. K jokingly suggested that we could visit another country and get married (gay marriage is still illegal in our country). Obviously, polyamorous marriages are not legal anywhere in Europe, but A told us at the beginning of our relationship that she never wanted to get legally married for personal reasons (but a non-binding marriage ceremony was fine with her). So, all three of us could have a ceremony and K and me could get legally married (the marriage still wouldn't be legally recognized in our country though). Then I also realized that I could get a tubal ligation in the country which we wanted to travel to (tubal ligation procedure is also illegal in our country).
I knew my mother would be against both of those decisions and I didn't want to argue with her the entire time before I left abroad. So, I just told her I'm going on holidays with my two friends for a week and she accepted that. I've also been slowly moving a lot of my stuff from my room in my parents' apartment to our apartment and was ready to completely relocate.
Anyway, the wedding went great (the witnesses were six people we knew from the discord server where we first met, who lived close by and could get to the wedding site easily), my operation went great, the trip was great, and just as we returned a friend asked if we wanted a kitten, because their cat had recently had some. We agreed.
When I was sure everything was settled, I called my mother and told her about the wedding, the operation, the move and the kitten. She was shocked and angry, said she felt disappointed and betrayed I hadn't told her about any of my plans, didn't even invite her to the wedding and that I damaged my body and would regret having my tubes tied. I tried explaining that I didn't know how she would react, that based on our previous interactions I hadn't thought she'd be supportive and that I wanted make my decisions without also having endure her disapproval. She cried, told me I hurt her and to give her some time to deal with all the revelations.
I feel terrible for upsetting my mom, but honestly, I think I did the right thing and that informing her beforehand would've ruined my mood and I'd have had to argue with her on the phone constantly during the trip.
So, Tumblr, AITA?
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lilacxquartz · 1 day
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under the bed, where midnight slept
oc male!demon x human female!reader
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plot: haunted by a strange presence every night before you go to sleep, you decide to get to the bottom of it.
w.c: 2.4k
tags/themes: one shot, oc, maybe light yandere, kissing mentioned, incubus, demons, reader insert, first person pov, light horror, unrequited feelings
side notes: developed a incubus demon oc a couple of days ago :) his name is midnight & i’m basically gonna try writing for him on and off to flesh out his character (but i can’t draw more of him just yet due to the arm situation).
***
I always went to sleep alone.
Or at least, that’s what I kept telling myself—that’s what I wanted to believe. I lived by myself, after all, so it would have been silly to assume otherwise.
Yet, every single night, I felt it. A presence that lurked within the shadows, watching my every move.
At first, I chalked it up to simple exhaustion, convinced that my job was finally getting to me in the worst possible way. I worked long and heavy hours throughout the week, sometimes even during weekends. My unfortunate reality meant that I was often very tired, leading me to usually be on the brink of dozing off by the end of my shift.
But then my mind began to wander, especially as the recurring experiences became more and more commonplace. My secondary suspicion was that I must have been dreaming or I must have been hallucinating, however, why were the happenings then so linear? I had been under stress before and I have had many nightmares in my life—yet those always manifested in a chaotic manner instead.
And that’s exactly what started to bother me, because dreams, while recurring, couldn’t have been so perfectly refined.
It was always the same experience, in fact.
I would lie down in bed and just as I was on the verge of sleep, I’d hear it—a whisper of some sort, faint and scratchy, like an out of tune radio. Then the floorboards would softly creak and I would feel the second thing; the unmistakable presence of something, maybe even someone else entering my personal space.
For just a split second, right at the cusp of entering the unconscious world; I would feel a strange warmth fill out my otherwise vacant hand. Something unseen that would latch onto my palm, weaving what felt like fingers through mine and squeezing tight.
Yet if I awoke during the night for whatever reason at all, it would immediately vanish from my grasp.
I even checked under the bed with a flashlight once, never finding a single shred of evidence.
And in the mornings, the presence wasn’t felt at all.
Although sometimes, a trace of it did remain; a hint of something that was left behind. It was during the nights when I would get up to drink some water from the kitchen or to go use the bathroom, that I didn’t feel entirely alone. It was an unsettling feeling but it was there—lurking in my peripheral vision, just barely staying hidden.
It was the presence of something uninvited.
Whenever I’d flick the lights on however, there would be absolutely nothing. Not a single trace of evidence remained. Lost overnight, like a distant dream.
It would either happen just as I was about to fall asleep or not at all.
Despite this, it never truly felt like it was a problem.
For one, it wasn’t as if it was actually disrupting my sleep. In fact, I would always wake up feeling well rested with each fresh day no matter how overworked I would be. Yet, I couldn’t quite shake the feeling that there must have been more to all of this. Something that lurked in the back of my mind that refused to let it go as an unsolved mystery.
It made sense given my stubborn personality, I supposed. I knew that there had to be a reason for it all, no matter how insane it all seemed.
So when my unrelenting curiosity finally caved in, I could no longer ignore the unanswered question, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to let it go until I finally found an answer.
Whether it was all in my head or not—I had the right to know.
So, on one particular night, I chose to catch whatever it actually was that lurked away in the shadows. My plan was simple enough; choosing to fool it into showing itself by pretending to sleep. I slipped two wireless earbuds into my ears, tuning them into a podcast to hold my attention before laying off to my side, just like usual.
To ensure that I would actually stay awake however, I would on occasion stretch out my legs or clench my fists to ward off any hints of exhaustion along with deep, slowly measured breaths that casted the illusion of feigned slumber.
I continued with that sort of ritual in mind, just barely hanging onto my remaining consciousness, just about to fall asleep from what I believed to be a failed effort, but that’s also right about when I finally heard it; a subtle creaking, perfectly timed with each drawn out breath to mask its approach.
A shiver of unease crept into my body as I felt a lurking presence loom behind me, confirming to every sense I had that I was no longer alone.
In an attempt of bravery, I continued to feign sleep for as long as I possibly could, staying tucked away into my assigned position, having my hand right where it always was, hoping to successfully delude whatever it was waiting for me that I was actually on the verge of dreaming.
However, the moment that something slipped into my waiting hand, my composure began to crumble away. It was definitely a hand that I felt. I could feel it with every fibre of my being, in fact; so warm and soft, yet with an unsettling firmness, like marbled flesh. It clasped my palm tightly, interlocking its digits between my fingers in what felt like a suffocating grip.
My breath then caught in the back of my throat as the momentum faltered despite my efforts to keep my act running as smooth as possible. Towards the surface of my back, I felt something dangerous settle right behind me. Raw skin, hot against my own, pressed up right against my exposed flesh. A wave of panic coursed through my body, anchoring in the pit of my stomach as I then soon felt something attempt to embrace me.
I gasped in retaliation, unintentionally giving away that I was in fact awake.
Without even waiting for its reaction, my body involuntarily tensed, prompting for it to withdraw slightly and with a surge of adrenaline, I then tore away from the unknown presence—lurching to the other side of the bed and pressing my back right up against the wall.
I knew for a fact that it disliked bright lights, so my next course of action was to seize the opportunity of the moonlight that shone right outside to reveal its identity to me instead. With a swift pinch, I flung the blinds open, bathing my bedroom in a cold glow that revealed a monstrous figure to me, basking it in the soft blue light.
At first when I saw it, I didn’t really have a reaction.
I was left feeling stunned… speechless, even.
It was so beyond anything I could comprehend from this world, that I was left rendered unable to form a single coherent thought.
I mean, who could do anything different in my shoes?
Just over the bed sat a kneeling figure; its form shrouded entirely in wisping shadows—its body flickering like black fire with tendrils of darkness whipping from its void-like core. The creature’s eyes glowed a pale grey with lacking pupils, yet I knew that its gaze was pointed right at me.
My eyes continued to widen as I studied it—a rushed slurry of internal scolding flooding my mind, telling me off for daring to be so curious.
Back then, I didn’t know what to expect.
But it certainly wasn’t a monster.
Still, in spite of my fear, I couldn’t pass on the opportunity to learn more about the entity I shared a living space with.
With trembling courage and an insecure tone, I managed to utter, “What… are you?”
The creature’s initial reaction in response to me was to remain stationary, as if showing hesitation within its otherwise threatening demeanour. It then tilted its head to the side, emitting a low static-like hum that only continued to feed further into my unease.
Finally, however, it spoke.
“Don’t be afraid,” were its first words ever to me; it had a deep and almost melodic voice, almost human-like but tainted with something deceptive below the surface. I felt like a deluded sailor talking to a siren lost at sea, yet I was right at home.
I choked back any possible response I had brewing in the back of my mind though, paralysed by my own panic that locked my words somewhere far away. My heart thundered deep within my chest, drowning out all remaining rational thought and sent waves of fear coursing through my entire body.
I was trapped.
A tense moment passed us both by as nothing was said for a while, but then it started to back away from the bed and slowly arose to reveal its true height. Its features became clearer in the moonlight, revealing protruding horns from its head with long wavy locks of black hair.
I gulped hard as I watched it straighten its back and tower over me, its height just barely contained by the confines of my own bedroom—its horns almost scraping against the ceiling. I could just hardly, if at all, comprehend just how tall this creature truly was.
“I only wish to comfort you,” it insisted, taking a calculated step back. Whether it was to lull me into a false sense of security or not, I couldn’t be too certain and despite its words, I couldn’t shake the feeling of impending dread of it being an actual monster, at least at first.
Such a bizarre and surreal display left me wondering if I was in fact dreaming; my mind desperately grasping at anything that could have explained the impossible sight before me, but upon pinching my own skin, only the sharp sting of reality remained.
“Y-you’re real?” I could only ask, a hint of dismay colouring my voice.
“Yes,” it nodded, confirming my fears.
Another strained silence brewed between us for another minute. I stared at the monster and it looked directly back at me. I did my best in the meantime to express my visual discomfort, hoping that it would continue to leave me alone, however, it instead misinterpreted my stunned silence as an invitation to move forward and close the distance between us.
As it leaned in, I pressed myself harder against the wall in a last attempt to convey my reluctance, hoping—praying, that it would take it as a hint to finally back off, but it persisted, ignoring my silent protest and leaving me frozen from fear instead.
With continued building terror, I watched as the creature reached out, extending its hand towards me with what appeared to be sharp fingernails—brushing against my face before cupping my cheeks. I felt its fingers curl around the base of my skull, pulling me closer than what I was comfortable with, daring to press its face against my own, planting a kiss upon my lips.
I shuddered in relief as it slowly withdrew, leaving me once again separated away from it by a short distance. I still couldn’t make out a single feature on its form despite such closeness and yet the memory of its lips on mine lingered with the taste of its ashen breath.
I couldn’t help but feel violated after, yet some familiarity brewed, prompting a disturbing revelation to consider; has this thing done something similar to me before—perhaps when I was fast asleep?
My mind stirred at the thought either way, leaving behind a chill of unrelenting unease that rolled down my spine.
The monster continued to back away until it stood a comfortable distance away from me, leaving me feeling somehow confused. It was a strange situation no matter how I looked at it; it didn’t seem to want to harm nor consume me, rather only offering its touch and comfort.
It was almost as if it sought companionship from me instead.
I watched warily as it drifted just a little closer once more, as if struggling with its own inability to stay away.
“Please,” it pleaded, its tone bordering on desperate, “I only wish for you to sleep well.”
Perhaps it was the lingering aftermath of the kiss that was clouding my judgement, or maybe it was the lack of sleep after a long day, but something within me urged for me to finally surrender to its will, to let my guard down at long last.
Even if it didn’t feel like it was my own decision, at the time.
Swayed by a force unseen, relaxing my senses like some type of sedative.
So against my better judgement, I reluctantly gave in with a reassuring nod, allowing for it to move closer again all the while I did the same.
It wasn’t that I was suddenly unafraid of the monster that was on my bed, rather that I wanted for the peaceful nights to continue.
They were all I had left going for me in this otherwise unforgiving world, my only remaining comfort at the end of a long day.
I proceeded to lay back down on the bed, turning my body off to the side as usual, feeling its presence press against me once more. Its form seemed to envelop me; the shadows that spilled from its core encasing me in a suffocating shroud that pulled me into the darkness along with it. I felt as my own body gradually stiffened, slowly losing the ability to move a single inch at all, yet oddly enough, I didn’t feel a single hint of dread at all anymore.
All I felt was its comfort and warmth instead.
My eyelids drooped heavily as I finally surrendered to my own exhaustion, feeling them weld shut.
I then felt as the monster tightened its grip around me, pulling me even deeper into its personal space. Its breath felt fiery against my flesh as it dug its face into the crook of my neck, displaying an almost protective and maybe even wanting embrace.
As I drifted off into sleep and as its hold continued to tighten, it whispered something into my ear just as I was about to truly go under.
With a body that could have been sculpted from fire alone, its words felt somehow chilling and devoid of any remaining warmth. Its voice was no longer laced with a friendly tone, instead spiked with something much more sinister in its place.
“I’m never letting you go.”
And in that moment, everything changed.
My life was never the same again.
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daenysx · 1 day
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i have a request !! If you still write for Aegon II I want for dog Sunfyre, darling reader and modern Aegon. While walking with my dog ​​today, Aegon came to my mind. Aegon and the reader go for a walk with Sunfyre after a long time and experience family happiness.
(Sorry if I have any spelling mistakes! English is not my first language.)
thank you for requesting, lovely, i hope you enjoy <333
modern!aegon ii targaryen x fem!reader, fluff
sunfyre is the happiest dog you've ever seen.
he is so golden and full of life, his tongue happily hanging off his mouth as aegon lets him run. the sun matches his delight, shines everywhere, makes the corners of your eyes wrinkle.
"handsome." you call aegon. "come here."
he walks to you, sits next to you on the bench in the park closest to your home. sunfyre plays with the ball aegon throws away, full of energy.
"can you believe he can still run?" aegon says, he breathes heavily. "i'm exhausted."
you laugh, your fingers push aegon's unruly curls away from his face. "we've only been walking for half an hour."
"exactly." he says. "that's two times more than the entire time i've walked this week."
his lips curl into a cheeky smile you can't help but adore. he looks happy in this light, curls framing his face, wrinkles lost for a sunday. you like seeing his smile. it makes him look younger, like he's never been hurt by life.
"do you want me to apply sunscreen on your face?" you ask.
aegon looks up to you with nearly innocent eyes. "you already did that, baby."
"that was hours ago." you say. "it's important to take care of your skin when it's sunny."
"yeah?" he says, stroking sunfyre's fur as the dog hugs aegon's legs. aegon throws the ball for him once more. "how important?"
"it protects you from the sun." you explain. "prevents wrinkles when you get older."
"oh, gods, then please." he says, leaning his head closer to you. "i don't wanna look like my father when i get old."
you laugh at his tone, so dramatic your boy. taking the sunscreen bottle in your hand, you apply some of it on aegon's cheeks. he closes his eyes, his entire face is relaxed against your fingers. you rub the cream nicely on his skin, giving him a kiss on the cheek when you finish.
"thank you." aegon says. "what about you?"
"i did it when you were playing with sunfyre."
he turns his head to sunfyre, the dog jumps when another family with a tinier dog approaches. he is so playful, keeps jumping around.
"come on." you say, standing up with your hand extended to aegon. "let's keep walking."
he agrees even though he isn't fond of walking too much. the park is nice, holding your hand as sunfyre leads the way is nicer. he likes the feeling of an empty mind when he gets to spend time with you. he likes the shine in your eyes, how he can talk about unimportant things with you. you'll listen and answer to his silly questions. you love how simple he tries to be.
"there's a small restaurant at the end of this road." aegon says squeezing your fingers. "we can get pizza."
"and fries?" you ask.
"definitely fries."
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tipofthemountain · 3 days
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i just wanted you
the original post!
tags: simon “ghost” riley x gn! reader, lots (and i mean lots) of angst, cursing, let me know if I missed anything!
word count: 1.27k
summary: It’s not always easy being with someone who never lets you in side their head.
a/n: this is the alternative ending to i just want you! i actually like this version better teehee. you don’t have to read the original! this can be read as a stand-alone! if you want however, you can read the original to spot the changes! happy reading!
NOT EDITED
༺𖤓༻༺𖤓༻༺𖤓༻༺𖤓༻༺𖤓༻༺𖤓༻
It always seems to rain in movies when something sad happens. It applies to the situation at hand right now.
You and Simon had been together officially for a few months now. After months of ‘i just don’t think it’s time’ or ‘i’m not the relationship type’ Simon finally asked you to be his girlfriend. Of course it was rocky, a story with a sad beginning always ends with a sad ending. You thought it would all eventually work out though. Simon would open up to you about everything he’s been through. He would talk to you about something, anything you didn’t care. The only things you do know are the things his friends have only slightly hinted at.
So when Simon came home in a complete shut off mood (again) it set something off in you. You’ve had enough.
“I can’t do this.” You whisper just enough for him to hear. Simons head moves toward your direction. Your back is turned to him as you stand in the kitchen. He’s sitting with a cup of water in his hands at the dining table.
“What?” Simon asks. His eyes bore into the back of your head almost like he’s trying to telepathically get you to look at him.
With a single tear running down your face you rest one of your hands on your hip. You look up to the ceiling with a sigh escaping your lips.
“You… this… us. I can’t do the whole you shutting me out at every chance you get.” You finally turn to Simon looking into his light eyes.
He’s standing there looking down at you with an unreadable expression. He’s silent and doesn’t say anything for a minute and neither do you. You wait for what feels like hours for him to say something but he simply doesn’t. So you walk away into the living. A few more tears slip from your eyes but your face doesn’t change expression. You aren’t sad you’re more angry than anything.
Simon follows you but keeps his distance. You hear him let out a sigh before finally saying something.
“I can’t lose you.” He says but that only makes you chuckle.
“You can’t lose me? That’s all you have to say?” You turn towards him laughing except there is no joke.
“I’m sorry. This is who I am.” He says walking toward you but you put your hand out to stop him from getting close.
“It doesn’t have to be. You could just talk to me when you come over instead of just shutting me out.” You sigh rubbing your temple and taking a seat on your couch.
Simon takes a seat beside you but still at a distance. His hands clasp in his lap and you look at him through your peripherals.
“I don’t know how to talk about these things. I never learned how. It’s been the one thing I’ve struggled with my entire life.” Simon lets out. He’s twirling his fingers together awkwardly waiting for you to say something.
“I just want to know how your day is when you come over. I want to know your favorite color. I want to know how your friends are doing. I want to know you Simon.” You say looking back into his eyes. You can see his eyes are slightly more wet than usual.
“I-“ Simon begins to say but stops himself. This only makes you more angry. You stand up in front of him and throw your hands up in exhaustion.
“I’m ruining myself trying to be there for you. I’m standing right fucking here begging for you to just let me in to your life but you won’t let me!” Your voice becoming louder than you wanted it to. The anger finally bubbling to the surface. You’ve had enough.
“I don’t know what I’m doing! I’ve never felt this way before. Not with anyone ever. I’m scared you’ll leave just like everyone else!” Simon stands above you yelling back just not as loud as you. His thick accent shining through with every word he threw out.
“I’m don’t want to go anywhere! But you are making it so hard to want to stay! I don’t care about anything except for you. I just want you!” Your eyes begin to betray you. A waterfall of tears cascades down your face as Simon moves to hold you. You shove him away. He doesn’t make an effort to try again which only makes you disappointed for a reason you don’t understand.
You walk away from him with a scoff back to the kitchen. You stand at the sink that’s full of dirty dishes from the meal you shared earlier. You wipe the tears from your face as you hear Simon walk in behind you.
“Tell me what to do. Tell me how to make this better.” Simon says in a low hushed tone. You turn to face him with his unreadable expressions as always. A skill you know your never going to learn. His arms hang beside his torso so sadly it almost makes you want to apologize but you know better. You can’t keep living like this.
“There is no ‘making this better’ Simon. You did this… you’ve ruined what could have been.” You talk calmly compared to your earlier demeanor. It’s almost pathetic the way Simons standing. He’s defeated. He knows what he did and now he’s facing the consequences.
“Please.” He begs. He wonders over to you but you put a hand out to stop him. Your hand on his chest as he looks down at you. Your eyes are swelled with tears begging to fall but you hold your composure. You push him away again. You know you would never normally have to strength to do this. You know he’s walking himself backwards to give you the space you beg for.
“It’s over Simon. We’re over.” You walk away again to the front door of your house. You stand there as Simon meets you at the door. He gives you one last look as you watch him grab his coat and then the door handle. He stops and turns to you with that same unreadable expression.
“Im sorry. Im sorry I couldn’t be what you deserve. Im sorry I stayed silent instead of giving you answers to things you’ve wondered for nearly a year. I’m sorry you felt you had to stay. Im sorry for keeping you out. I’m sorry I couldn’t be better. I’m sorry I couldn’t be who you needed me to be.” Simon looks deeply into your eyes. His words catching young surprise but the damage has been done. Your heart is broken and no amount of apologies could fix that. You stay silent with teary eyes. Simons hand still in the door knob as he waits for you to say something.
There is no fixing the many months of silence and the future of this love is over. Maybe he could have opened up but that’s not who he is. Maybe he would have tried that to be better. It’s all you wanted him to do but you can’t always fix something that broken.
“I just wanted you.” You finally say. Simon takes the hint of your words realizing this really is the end. He twist the door knob and walks out your home. Out of your life. As soon as you hear the click of the door closing the silence takes over your now empty estate. This silence being sad. The only sound that can be heard is the heavy fall of the rain outside. The silence gets to you faster than you want it to. You collapse to floor with heavy tears cascading down your face and onto your floor.
There is no happy ending for this sad beginning.
༺𖤓༻༺𖤓༻༺𖤓༻༺𖤓༻༺𖤓༻༺𖤓༻
final thoughts: this is like a few hundred words shorter but i genuinely love this version sooooo much better. i wrote the original from a situation i had been in personally except my version ended up more like this. obviously its not exactly how mine happened but it’s pretty accurate. finally getting rid of that person in your life that was just absolutely draining everything from you is so freeing. in the moment losing the person you thought was the love of your life is genuinely soul crushing, but time genuinely does heal you. You’ll come to find out that that person was absolutely the worst choice you could have made and the best choice was kicking them the fuck out of your life. I’m yapping over here but i genuinely hope you loved the story :’).
Love ya! Thanks for reading!
also as i’m rereading this to post it… it’s definitely giving off the 1 vibes.
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muthwoom · 1 year
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i never thought i’d be this tired of doing nothing
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chainofclovers · 7 months
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Being a human is literally like this weird combo of being okay and not okay that goes on forever except there is also death
#(i'm fine)#(personally) (mostly) (really)#this has just been an absolutely terrible year for our planet and its people and animals#and it's fucking insane that as an american living in relative safety and comfort and experiencing the pleasures and guilt of that...#...i can experience this horrible yet ENTIRELY SURVIVABLE blend of acute pain over so many things at once#including war and genocide and the utter hopelessness of that#and also things like being really really sad that matthew perry's life was so hard and he died#and also so many bad and weird things have happened to family members this year but we mostly have the resources to come together and deal#which is amazing and bolstering and exhausting#and my brain still has space to be excited about writing and numb to writing and angry/impotent about writing#desperate for feedback yet private and retreat-y and weird#always hoping to hit upon The Perfect Thing :-/#and i live in a place that basically is not a democracy any more and also the u.s. is so cursed we've never been what we said we were#so a lot of my own perceived safety is incredibly fragile#but still so much more solid than what the people i am mourning for had#and none of the comparisons make a lick of sense and are in and of themselves deeply unfair#to the point that it's humiliating to feel guilt (making it about me) and simultaneously humiliating that i don't feel guilt *constantly*#and i have therapy this week but also this deep sense that while my therapist will be a fine person to talk to it will feel unuseful#i've always been a muddle of optimism and pessimism and i am very adamant that life is super beautiful and this is precisely why...#...all the violence in the world is so brutally devastating#it's just that the casserole of all these thoughts feels increasingly horrible#and feeling that way is 100% sane#and even intersectional frameworks and intentional attempts at gentleness only get you so far in the grapple#for meaning and for ideas of what to do#so i end up contacting my reps about various awful things#and zooming in and out on my fixations and having excellent days and terrible days#often dependent on what feels like a camera setting i only partially control#and i'm sure i'm not alone in feeling embarrassed that deep empathy and grief for people i've not met somehow ends up being...#...at least a sliver about ME and my little world#about me
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jinstronaut · 2 months
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this is also why i stopped using my tracked tag for a while tbh
#and i might do it again bc its just#a reminder that no one rly cares abt what i do / who i am etc#which might sound over dramatic idk how else to describe it tho its just hollow#it feels very much like a Chore and a Task and if i dont reblog things fast enough from my tag#people get very angry and/or upset with me even tho theres just#so much content and i have 0 time so everything gets queued no matter what#like this whole experience feels like a chore lmao#and it never ever used to#but now theres so much animosity if i dont behave / interact with things Properly#or whatever the make believe rules are idk#this dash can just be so negative like have we all truly descended into madness during this hiatus#bc like i get it ive been up and down and all around too but ive never been straight up MEAN to anyone in this community#and i never want to either so this entire situation thats been bubbling for months just feels like shit#bc what the fuck changed and how do we get back to where we were#i never ever ever ever felt this way before like idk the middle of last year#but ever since like last fall its just been idk. Bad#once again im sorry if ive ever done anything to upset anyone but my silence / absence doesnt mean i dont care#ive just been Incredibly busy due to some real life changes that are out of my control#i might not have energy to answer everything but i do Read everything and it does make me smile#and i save messages that are kind in my heart so i can be reminded of the root of what this blog is supposed to be#a space for something im very passionate about and previously had nowhere else to express said passion#so like idk if we all like the same things why does this weird feeling of competition linger over us lmao#why do all ccs have to fight???? each other???? when we all love and do the same things????#i have nothing against anyone personally but what i Do take issue with is the way that ive been doing this since 2021 and im fully just#ignored and shoved aside by so many people for reasons i fully dont know or understand#so yeah idk this is a novel i just woke up from a spontaneous nap bc im so exhausted i can only stay awake for 3 hours at a time#but yeah anyways idk !#be nice its so easy !#tbd
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orcelito · 4 months
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Today's the day of the funeral. I haven't finished my eulogy yet.
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edwardbonnets · 10 months
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i'm home.............but at what cost
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I don't not mean this offensively at all but is blows my mind that you are a lawyer but also writing jjk fics bc I work at a law firm and cannot for the life of me imagine any of the lawyers that work there writing fanfiction LOL kudos to u seriously I know how busy schedues can get due to court dates haha
im working in like. big city criminal law stuff right now and have been told by people in my office that i come off as a very deadpan and straight-laced legal nerd so i don't think the people who know me from my attorney life are imagining me writing jjk fanfic in my free time either
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vulturvolanss · 1 year
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ngl as an autistic person I look at how ppl treat alhaitham and go yeah none of you would like him if he wasn’t hot. and it makes me sad. like at this point I wish he was a little weird looking or something so that people would just. leave him alone. not subtle constantly making him a robot in aus or treating him like he’s violent or cruel or any sort of mean when that’s just patently not true. y’all see a guy that doesn’t bother masking and says things like “I want everyone to live the lives they want to live” and say he’s a bastard
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sapphothetic · 1 year
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like i am never gonna fit in here ever
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kittlyns · 7 months
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Samsung guy also had the audacity to tell me to "just make a new account" and I got so mad cuz like. my only hope of seeing any of my memories from the past 5 years of my life are connected to that one account, and it's not even a guarantee. But it's still a small hope and I'm not giving it up.
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scoopsgf · 2 years
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What do you think about rory comparing herself to MLK when she gets sentenced? I was already starting to see the changes and the character and while I didn’t like them, I was still rooting for her because I could see she was lost and hurting. But that line was just the nail in the coffin for me, because it really showed how privileged and entitled she is. She’s had a lot of things handed to her easily thanks to her grandparents, and that’s not her fault, but she really grew to expect to be fawned over and for things to be easy. She just grew up into this unrecognizable toddler of an adult and completely lost her drive and ambition it seems. Idk I loved rory pre-yale, and the writers butchered her post hs
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#gilmore girls#*sigh*#i am so tired#so. sooooooo sick of dealing with rory antis WHY do you come into my askbox expecting me to agree w you#sis have you even scrolled. do you even know like. the basics of this blog#anyway. bad take. agree with 0% of it.#she was in no way entitled. did she have privilege because of her grandparents? yes#but she also came up with a complete payment plan after they agreed to cover her tuition#and she studied hard. worked her ass off at the YDN. earned her place there#then she had a crisis because she was told that she wasn’t cut out to be a journalist#which is what she spent her entire life aspiring to be#so naturally she spiralled. dropped out and felt lost and confused and hopeless#which? like? what the fuck is wrong with that? cannot wrap my mind around the lack of compassion there#she never expected to be fawned over. in fact all the fawning from SH folks and her grandparents made her incredibly uncomfortable#and she was constantly refuting claims that she was ‘perfect’ or ‘the best kid ever’#she had so much self doubt and insecurity#which mitchum’s BS only compounded#in no way was she behaving like a toddler. she was behaving like a 21 year old girl who believed everything she’d ever been told about#herself was a lie. GOD i am exhausted i am so tired#anyway she still had drive and ambition. she just had shit to figure out. just because her questioning stage happened later in life#doesn’t mean she’s some lazy piece of shit leeching off of her grandparents’ money#and don’t forget to take Logan’s influence into consideration#it’s not like he did much to help or steer her back on the right path#in fact he encouraged the opposite. scumbag#anyway. this ask gave me a migraine i am going to lay down and hibernate until i recover#also the MLK was just a stupid writing choice and not a reflection of rory
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s0urte3th · 1 year
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mom is bitching at me how i need to wear short sleeves TOMORROW, and just get over it
#‘you NEED to wear them tomorrow’ or what.#youre gonna take my phone away? im just AnXioUs and need to get the fuck over it?#woman youre lucky i dont fucking take my car and leave. youre lucky i don’t disappear without a trace.#‘we love you and dont care and dont judge!’ i understand that. i do.#but sometimes that just doesnt matter. you can say that to me all you want and ill always have a voice saying otherwise!#i cant just get over this hump. i dont know how to explain it to you but i just cant. its not that simple.#i cant just.. get up and get moving like you want me to. i dont know how to tell you that im absolutely fucking exhausted.#‘youve been taking a break for 6 weeks now’ and? i worked my ASS OFF. FOR 5 FUCKING YEARS STRAIGHT. I DESERVE A BREAK!#IVE EARNED A GODDAMN BREAK. IVE EARNED A FUCKING SUMMER OFF. THIS IS MY FIRST SUMMER OFF IN 5 GODDAMN YEARS WOMAN#i dont care if you think im being lazy. im sorry i dont work the same fucking way you do! but thats a you issue!#‘you need to get your life together’ WELL I DONT WANT TO! I DONT WANT TO RIGHT NOW! I WANNA BE A STUPID COUCH BUM!#i basically just learned that EVERYTHING. I WORKED FOR! IS USELESS! i pushed myself to the edge a constant amount of times over the past 5-#years for NOTHING. because i am incapable of doing anything without someone telling me to or holding my hand.#how do you expect me to know what to do with my fucking life when the life i thought i always had was just shattered?#ive trailed off my planned path! i didnt plan for this! i never thought it could happen! i thought id be PERFECT!#imagine being told your entire life how smart and capable you are only to fail right as someone isnt holding your hand anymore.#just#whatever man. if i dont wanna wear short sleeves i wont. if i dont wanna go outside i wont.#i didnt want to interact with the world anyways. especially after finding out that i dont fit in whatsoever.
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harryshomebaby · 1 year
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the way my body just refuses to fall asleep any night before im back to work after 2+ days off… why
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