#i have lots of thoughts ab them
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i cant let you love me like this
tip jar
#the witcher#geraskier#geralt of rivia#jaskier#twn#the witcher netflix#i have lots of thoughts ab them
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friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me
#It’s just so different#even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol#in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps#if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it#esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends#no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr#u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS#meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life#this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation#like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !!#& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers#who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them#and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends#it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me#I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc#like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this#so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works#p
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Okay so I've held onto this one for quite a while bc I was self-conscious ab my art style and how it doesn't look nearly as good as a ton of other prohibited wish artists on here but I think it's time to share it-
I had this idea in my head and I just needed to get it out sooo um.
Sorry for the pain
Also I was testing out how I draw maskless Scarab (which is partially inspired by the INCREDIBLE @time-woods's design for their Carma sorry for the @ I just wanted to credit you for the inspo- btw) so it's changed a bit since I drew this bc Ive gotten more used to drawing him-
I have a ton more art in my backlog I'm just,,, self-conscious lol. trying to get better-
PLEASE [tumblr] fix the quality when I post this bc it looks like ass in the editor as Im looking at it rn
#prohibitedwish#prohibited wish#the scarab#scarab the god auditor#prismo the wishmaster#prismo x scarab#adventure time#fionna and cake#this is intended to be implied prisjake in case that wasn't clear#in my mind and in the context of this it was like. A crush that was never verbalized bc Prismo didnt want to put that pressure on him#with 1. Jake already having a partner and 2. the power imbalance inherent with Prismo being a god and Jake being a mortal#I have a lot of thoughts ab them lol#Poor Prismo is not coping#tw character death#tw implied character death
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WHOS the yellowblood w the blacked out eyes in yr header so i can go thru their tag
That would be Bronte Voltej !
Bronte Vultej (she/they/ze) was a troll with renound psionics and a rebellious nature, but not enough gut to act on it. She stayed in a lowblood neighborhood, and helped out with local shops. Life was very good until a turf battle occurred in the town between loyalists and rebels. It was a very violent experience, and Bronte was caught in the crossfire. With all the chaos and distress, plus the violence she would inevitably get caught up in, their psionics went off with a bang, in a very literal sense. Zer psionics caught onto the nearby transformer, and executed a chain reaction to every transformer connected to the telephone lines.
Zey wake up disoriented, short circuiting, and with only the barest form of psionics keeping them alive despite what is, essentially void rot minus the rot. On top of this, she loses all of the memories of their former life. Bronte Vultej eats batteries to feed the psionics in her body, and has physical subconscious jerks + a stutter due to the physical trauma.
#bronte vultej#refs ; dutiful diagrams#fantroll#homestuck oc#hs oc#my art#my oc#oc ref#oc reference#homestuck fantroll#i dont draw this character a lot#she was made for a roleplay and ultimately the rp died#and theyre not a Session troll so i havent thought ab them too actively#but i was delighted to have someone ask ab one of my header trolls!!#i just like when people ask ab my trolls in general hehe
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girls we might have a problem (i couldnt sleep last night because i was thinking about her, i havent stopped thinking about her since yesterday, ive been rereading our texts for the past hour)
#this wont be a problem righttttt ahahhaha#no because i already like someone but she just came and crashed it all like girl how dare you#but shes so pretty dude#shes so lovely too she gets me#shes so silly#she makes me feel so pretty#“good night darling” marry me#shes like everything i want ever#i feel so conflicted about this#girlblogging#thoughts ୨𖹭୧#AND SHE LETS ME TALK AND SHE DOESNT FIND ME ANNOYING#LIKE SHES SO AHDHSJSJSSJS#WE HAVE DIFFERENT INTERESTS FOR A LOT OF THINGS BUT SHE ALWAYS LETS ME TALK AB THEM#chat is this infatuation#chat im scared#chat i love her
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And here is the bull himself >:)
+ lore notes
I was like, ah I should make the shadow something interesting, and then I'm like GIVE HIM BULL HORNS???? OKAY SURE !!!!! I'm glad such thoughts can strike at 7 in the morning....thanks brain. But hehehe I'm glad bcs now this matches up super well with the Nando one!
New ship dynamic: who's the bull and who's the matador :)
I think, in this AU, Fernando is generally pretty fond of Seb when he first meets him. Like "ah yes my very own protégé, very nice, I shall mold him in my image." But then Seb starts veering off that course. Bullfighting is all about being dramatic, but Seb maybe has a bit too much(🤏) flair for the dramatic. This escalation starts while he's still Fernando's assistant but he keeps it generally at bay. But god when he becomes a matador himself, he's just off the rails insane.
Bullfighting, to me, is a sport about reckless endangerment of one's self in the pursuit of drama and performance(its literally described as a tragedy in three acts.) But Fernando thinks Seb endangers himself *too* much, not because he cares or anything, but he's making a mockery of the sport!! Especially when Seb starts doing that bull hand symbol(seen above), Fernando just keeps become more enraged with him, not anything to do with the fact that Seb is threatening his records and threatening his own wellbeing, nah of course not.
Seb's gesture is making a mockery of the sport, he's disrespecting the culture, the very nature of it, blah blah blah. Jenson once asks Fernando, after noticing him seething while watching Seb do his gesture, "Which bull are you really trying to defeat?" One could also describe Fernando and Seb's relationship as a "tragedy with three acts."
Anyways Fernando gets very tied up with this rivalry. Even after suffering a severe injury(I have yet to decide, but y'know mchonda electrocution core), he quickly returns to the sport, loath to let Seb get any more headway. And then Seb gets injured, poor little sweet Seb, and neither of them can handle it. Though I already covered this in my prev lore post 🤭 and I think I put it pretty viscerally there so!! I digress.
They're both matadors, but the bull itself is not the only bull Fernando wants to conquer. Conquer as in death? Hm.
#i love matador au all my homies love matador au#<- its a lot of fun for me to draw and easy to have ref for :) so its like my little comfort drawings#even tho i want to sob every time i write any of the lore down bcs it is so </3#ah i just like how visceral it is ig#f1 is a dangerous sport but bullfighting is just. such another level of maniacs 😭#ive talked abt this a lot w cofi lmao its just super interesting to me. just the whole mentality and display and culture of it#also just: trajes de luces go brrrrrrr#ah one day ill draw both of them in green suits 🤭🤭#i had a chibi art of this au i was working on bcs i didnt have mental energy for a full thing#or at least i THOUGHT so#ive had the refs for this since 2 wks and im like YOU WILL FINISH THIS bcs i rly liked the pose 😭#so then i just drew for like 5 hours straight. yknow as one does#and wrote this post at uh. 8 am. normal time for one to be drawing and writing. as one does.#WELL ANYWAYS PLEASE ENJOY MATADOR SEB#this au grips me the throat 😭 i rly enjoy it 😭#i have a lot of thoughts ab the au lore itself but also drawing these is very no thoughts head empty <3#also god side note. pink stockinks. i hated the idea of them at first. but now im like hehe hot pink time 🥰🥰#its crazy how it doesnt clash that much??? i thought it would ruin the outfit but ah they suit everything p well#f1#formula 1#sebastian vettel#catie.art.#matador au
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yes i am an adult male who loves high school dramas this is because i literally never experienced normal coming of age drama like ever and am disconnected from the collective experience of having a relatable peer group forever hope that helps
#i JUST want to experience high school#without like. my whole shitty life thing having gone on#i want to go to high school and have stupid drama and sexuality crises and worries about grades#not... That#i never had that im never going to have that#can i get (one) permission to go a little crazy if i survive into a university#fuck everyone befriend and be-enemy everyone get all up in peoples stupid mind numbingly low stakes drama#i want that sweet golden experience where the worst thing ill ever fear is annoying my classmates#or accidentally spilling something on someone at a dance#i deserve it i deserve to have had a childhood and a young adulthood and a life#i deserve to have dealt with unserious issues to prepare me for bigger ones#rather than serious danger that leaves me permanently severed from normal people and life#and makes me incapable of reacting proportionally or finding it in me to care about less serious problems#like yes it sucks your mom is going to miss college graduation#but i thank my lucky stars that you are not dying or being abused or starved or beaten or exploited#i literally dont know how to take things seriously a lot of the time like im not able to even if i try#because to me the mildest real problem is someone purposefully isolating you and ruining your health#the MILDEST#i try to care ab simple stuff i really do i just CANT#and it sucks so much trying to be a good friend and kind feeling like i cant do enough#the loud thought 'i wish that hapoened to me/i wish i worried about that/i wish the people i love only had that as a problem'#i get so envious. like thank fucking god your parents divorced like normal adults when it should be over#thank fucking god that 'friend' cut you off when they were actively insulting you and betraying your trust#thank the fucking universe that shitty partner dumped you before you fkn hurt yourself over them#yk?#and its a 'mean/cold' way to think about it but i just dont have the capacity to think or feel the little picture#i can imagine my friends subjected to such horror even tho i dont want to
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in a world with an aftg show (because it Has to be a show, not a movie) seth would have a Pretty Guy actor playing him who looked even prettier when he was sneering or scowling and people would make edits of him with the velocity + slo-mo effects and be like "i can fix him"
#and kevin would be it boy of the century and matt would be THE 2000s icon along with allison#neil's the one who looks scrappy and jumpy (which he is) but everyone's gonna be in love with his sharp tongue and hater behavior#everyone would either hate andrew or love him and obv i fall into the second category i'd be no. 1 andrew minyard apologist/defender/lover/#everyone (including myself) would love nicky if this adaptation of him didnt come with all those predatory jokes godbless#everyone else is an icon. yes even aaron who's way too detached from the foxes but he partially slays just being a fox and king of idgafdom#the girls are icons obviously duhhh#but i think with riko the actor would be soooo good and pretty like scary pretty that people make edits and the captions are like DISCLAIME#wymack would have sooo many edits with the sound of whatever's trending that's equivalent to the usher DADDY'S HOME one#i actually have so many thoughts ab an aftg show despite how much i dont want it like i cant help it! aftg slays too much!#these bitches r all too damaged! i love them all too much! i think ab them all the time!#lots of people hate but aftg and the foxes r genuinely some of the most well written relationships to me probably bc i can personally relat#and i think a show would allow for other scenes that we dont see in the book bc theyre all from neil's pov and we don't really find anythin#know anything ab the other foxes beyond what neil knows himself#and LEST I FORGET. JEAN MOREAU. ICON OF THE CENTURY METHINKS...!#neil josten#andrew minyard#kevin day#dan wilds#allison reynolds#renne walker#matt boyd#aaron minyard#nicky hemmick#seth gordan#s4pphoiduser#aftg#all for the game#the foxhole court#the raven king#the king's men
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okay in fleabag the fourth wall breaks are a metaphor for dissociation yes i will agree with that but i don’t see people talk about how it’s also her performing for an audience - she is using this imagined audience in order to feel seen and heard in a way she isn’t in her real life, a way for her to validate herself through the lens of others and when hot priest calls her out on it it’s because he is actually!!! seeing her!! and when they’re having sex it’s the first time she pushes that audience away and refuses to perform she is present in that real life moment and being seen etc by hot priest. i’d argue that the dissociation goes hand in hand with that performance like she dissociates in order to perform for an imagined audience and also i think that other interpretation of the fourth wall breaks are valid i don’t think there’s one complete and total explanation/answer as to what they mean. much like in real life our coping mechanisms are often used in response to a multitude of situations/traumas and can represent multiple things about our psyche !! anyway just wanted to share my thoughts
#obviously having lots of fleabag thoughts i had to get them out#i just think fleabag’s audience is a very very important part of her story and character#and how she is always performing for this imagine audience and for everyone in her life she is rarely being honest with the people she loves#because that is vulnerable terrifying too much etc !! She is Too much so she acts extroverted and funny and performs for everyone always#until the hot priest who cuts through it and sees her even when she’s still performing for him and she is forced to be honest#even when she is thinking only in terms of wanting to fuck him#and that is how she finds herself loving him abs also how their love/his love changes her for the better!!!!#anyway :-)#fleabag#fleabag meta#laura says some things
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watching rick and morty this season has been weird and I can’t decide whether it’s to do with the actual quality of the episodes or the intentional emotional distancing I did when the roiland accusations came out.
like you have to understand I haven’t really been known to “return” to fandoms a whole lot. while I’ve never really been someone to jump onto “trendy” fandoms, (I usually stay in the same primary fandom for at least a couple years) and I have love for all my past hyperfixations, usually my online engagement with said past hyperfixations boil down to reblogging fanart and memes every now and again - and occasionally some insightful analysis if I come across it.
that wasn’t the case with rick and morty. I was first hyperfixated on it in 2016 and was active in the fandom and then I did so again in 2022 and because of that it felt kind of special and unique to me in a way. and because of that, those allegations hit almost embarrassingly hard lmao, especially considering before that I wasn’t even expecting roiland to be an especially good person to begin with. but to have a show that meant a lot to me in two separate stages of life be marred with all the ways he used to abuse his power really hurt. so yeah I took a huge step back.
and trying to get back into it this season, it always feels like there’s just a small piece missing, idk. I don’t think any of the episodes have been bad, although a couple have some more obvious issues than others and honestly, I actually really liked episode 4 a lot but the thing is even then I felt like I didn’t really have anything to say about it. and I had more to say about episodes last season that I liked less. I just don’t find myself engaging in the show as deeply as I used to. and knowing that it’s not because of a natural shift in my focus, that this was because of something that happened, it kinda sucks.
this didn’t really have a point in the end I guess I wanted to dump the conflicting feelings I had down somewhere
#shut up abe#rick and morty#also doesn’t help that earnestly admitting to having/having had a lot of earnest attachment to r&m is more embarrassing than most things bc#of its pop cultural perception#like I have a lot more followers and mutuals now than I did this time last year or even than when the allegations first came out#so this might be the first time some ppl are finding out how much I like this show and there is a part of me that’s embarrassed about that#even tho I know I shouldn’t be#anyways the new voice actors are doing pretty good jobs I don’t feel like either of them have set into the roles completely yet but I feel#like it’s pretty clear that they will as time goes on#thought I’d mention that here bc I doubt I will anywhere else
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the issue with kinning southpark characters is that if the show wasnt such ass id do numbers making comics based off of my life
#one of the reasons i think i still think abouit the show a lot is because it is the ONLY piece of media ive ever seen my family dynamics#represented in. like#i cannot exagerate how much my real life family is exactly like tweek/stan/butters family. like. to the poiint where there have been#multiple times id get in trouble for talking to my friends ab episodes and my parents got me in trouble because they wouldnt believe there#was an episode about that and they thought i was making fun of them speciifcally
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Somewhere Sunrise (Begins Another Day)
Chapter 1: Unfortunate Mishaps
Summary: Reagan Ridley tries to be prepared for situations, but the job always manages to surprise her.
Especially when she's thrust into another universe, and stuck figuring out how to get back.
Fandoms: Undertale (2015), Inside Job (2021 Cartoon)
Notes: (thank you to my good friends @pastelkonpeito and @maddestmewmew for beta reading this chapter!! also another thank you to hen again for helping me improve the pacing !) Also this takes place briefly after part 2 of the show, and after the true pacifist ending of Undertale.
WARNINGS: blood mention, possibly death, also swearing
~~~
If you knew anything about Cognito’s head robotics scientist, it’s that she’s been on this job for over a decade.
The job came with many problems and risks, be it near death experiences, dealing with cover-ups and disappearing accidental witnesses, or nearly losing an appendage or two.
But out of everything Reagan Ridley’s done and been through, she didn’t think she would spend her last moments like this.
The machine had taken months to finish, endless all-nighters spent programming, and connecting wires, and checking and rechecking the blueprints to make it perfect.
The companion watch took just a few weeks to properly sync to the shiny, new transporter…
And it malfunctioned. And it took her with it.
~~~
It was a decently quiet night in the building, and the cool wind from outside somehow seeped its way through from the windows to the quite sizable space of Ridley Labs, though it never affected Reagan, as she was used to the drafty windows. Never got the damn things fixed.
Her best friend and co-team leader Brett Hand shivered, though, used to the rest of the building being room temperature.
As Reagan installed the last few panels onto the transporter core, Brett took a minute to look around the lab again.
It was in its usual state, messy but somehow organized enough. Fitting for her, isn’t it?
“Alright, we’re almost ready.” She lifted the welding mask and switched off the propane torch, turning to him. “Brett, do you have the watch?”
“Oh- yeah.” He handed her the device. “So… what does this do again?”
“Were you even listening the first time?” She muttered, and waved her hand dismissively. “Well, the old teleporter was broken and out of date, so I took the liberty of building a new one. This one syncs to a watch- the one I’m holding here- to take the wearer to and from their destination. The machine serves to make sure that the watch works as intended, and to actually choose your destination.” She patted the machine, and put the wristwatch on, adjusting it.
“You’re here in case something happens to me.” She pointed to Brett, and walked back over, putting her hands on his shoulders. “...If I’m gonna be honest, you’re the only person in this place that I’d trust if anything happened to me.”
“Awww… Reags!” He smiled bright, pulling her into a tight hug. “Me too.”
“Put me down, you goober, or we won’t be able to start the experiment!” She laughed out and smacked at his arm.
He placed her back down and she turned to activate the machine and the watch.
“Alright. I’ll start with a decent location… somewhere just outside of DC.” She pressed a few buttons on the machine.
“But… what if you can’t get back? You might have to walk for a while…” Brett commented. He widened his eyes. “OR! I could come and pick you up!”
She snapped her fingers. “Exactly.” She presses a button on the watch.
“Alright.”
The transporter vrrrr’d to life, and its sounds echoed across the lab in a pleasant symphony of machinery.
“It’s working!!” Reagan couldn’t hide her excitement, her eyes lighting up as a smirk appeared on her face. “Brett, it’s working!”
Brett squealed in corresponding exhilaration as the watch lit up in unison.
The excitement of the pair was short-lived, as the wristwatch elicited short shocks.
“Shit.” Reagan struggled to get the watch off, as she felt the teleportation tech do its magic. “I can’t- shit, fuck, it’s stuck! I can’t get it-”
And she disappeared in a flash.
Brett’s phone buzzed, and the call was from…
…Reagan. He sighed in relief and clicked to accept the call, only to see a screen of white.
“Reagan????”
Reagan comes on screen, hair whipping in the wind (wind????????).
"Brett! Are y-ou getting this tr-ansmi-ssion!?" The audio and video were cutting out, but Brett nodded.
"List-en to me! I d-on't know wh-er-e I am, but no m-atter WHAT, you have -to keep the m-achine running! I seem to- to h-ave gone to a- different area than intended-”
She pushed her hair out of her face and looked around, squinting in the foggy winter wonderland- if she remembered correctly… it was supposed to be… September.
Oh god.
“I-I.. I-’m th-ink in a di-ffere-nt uni-v-erse! And it's hailing b-" A piece of hail flew down and nailed the scientist right in the temple, causing her to fall over into the snow.
"Reagan? REAGAN!?" Brett brought the screen closer.
"Aw- SH-IT, I... there's sn-ow getting into the wa-tch a-nd I-" Reagan's eyes drooped slightly, and they both noticed blood dripping down her face from the deep cut, now very prominent on the side of her head.
“Shit- Th-this is go-ing a lot w-or-se th-an I th-oug-ht it wo-uld! If I c-an get th-e wat-ch to-”
…She couldn’t…
Reagan felt herself getting weaker. There was blood dripping down into the snow now.
The situation was getting worse. The situation was unsolvable.
"...Brett... if I don't su-rvive this... I j- just want you to know that I'm sorry... for ev-eryth-ing. You w-ere a... a good fr-iend." Reagan felt herself getting more lightheaded, and the watch glitched and crackled as the weather worsened the condition.
"Reagan, why are you apologizing..? Hey- no- listen, you'll come back, you'll be okay, I promise- REAGAN?" Brett teared up and clasped his hands worriedly. The transmission was almost lost.
"...G-oodbye, Br-ett." The screen cut out as white overtook the transmission video, and the small screen finally displayed "SIGNAL LOST".
"Reagan? REAGAN!" Brett called out, but no one answered.
He felt his stomach twist.
…She…
…
He failed to keep himself stable on the edge of the desk, starting to slide down and sit on the floor.
His heart caught in his throat as he choked up, tears falling, the lab now dreadfully silent.
~~~
“Oh goodness…. Frisk! Get the first aid kit!”
#the bagel writes#somewhere sunrise begins another day (the dream fic)#my writing#writing#fanfic#inside job#inside job netflix#reagan ridley#brett hand#only tagging reagan and brett rn since they make up much of the chapter#OKAY. *CLAPS HANDS* I'VE GOT A LOT TO SAY AB THIS#so this idea came to me in a dream (two?)- literally#the original context was that undertale had a netflix show??? and i thought that was funny#i had the 2 dreams around... late november/early december#and i've been thinking about them SINCE#this is gonna be multi chapter but i still have to plan out the rest of it since i dont have much planned out rn#but reagan's eventually gonna interact with the ut characters just because#i didn't tag this ut but the next chapters will since they'll actually have the ut characters in it#also this isn't necessarily shippy but idc if you tag this as brett x reagan#i'm intending on leaving it ambiguous though#OKAY THAT'S ALL. BE UPON YEE!!!!!!!!!!
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just recently watched this is us with my college friends
#tbqh i found it kinda boring 😭#the louis clips were so not enough#ive watched some clips online prior to actually watching it (for the first time might i add)#one of my friends had a cousin who was crazyyy ab 1d so she dragged her out to the cinema to go watch it when it came out and in 3d lol 😭#the 3d schtick is so funny 2 me lmao 😭#my friend recalls freaking out in the movie theater bc she was a major niall fan at the time. she said 3d niall was so close 2 her face lol#anyway. ab how i watched some clips online prior#i was actually waiting for the louis n his sisters part or the one where he visits his school or smth#my friends.... they literally don't know a thing ab louis personality-wise so they didn't really get much from it#UGH i should download aotv and make them watch it that was way more interesting (but idk? smth about it feels like it's made for fans only?#but... i'll suggest it the next time we get together 🙏🏼#anyw back to my review.#simon cowell's face was a jumpscare what can i say. it was so evil how nicole scherzinger was just. completely written off#im from the future i Know things#<- and like. about this. i felt kinda bad being cynical about the movie when i know my friend is Still an ot5 at heart#i think i broke her 13-year old heart a little 😭#it's so weird how the movie keeps singling out zayn about him getting kicked out or him talking solo music etc kskdj. feels v pointed Lol#they really just documented the 1d-mania & madness they ensued huh.... i think 2 of my friends (bts fans) weren't as impressed LOL 😭#they kinda flamed their performances and stage outfits which is. yeah i agree. kpop idols do WAY more than just.... that (1d) kskskd#i guess i'll make them watch the extra clips next time (o haven't seen all the clips yet i think)#OH and 😭 why was martin scorsese in the film that was hilarious#didn't have a lot of realness to it. is what i thought of the film. yeah. this is(N'T) us ✊🏽😔#maybe... i am too much of a hater#i liked... the... um. it's hard to highlight things i liked ab the film when im Not a 1d fan 😭 like im a louie ONLY idgaf ab 1d 😔#the part ab louis audition.... im sorry babie the editors did u dirty but it was so funny........😭#<- though i imagine it solidified people's (wrong) opinions about him :/
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idk have u guys considered that if we get an angsty confession the GA would call them toxic yes or no
#i got a lot of thoughts ab byler like being marketed and represented bc it's important overall#like personally i don't want them to fight again but that's also bc i think they're both in a better place with each other ???#more in tune?? and comfortable than the beginning of s4#like it's 50/50 they're gonna fight but i just hope they won't. and if they DO i don't want either to confess in the moment yk bc#none of the other canonical like wndgame for sure couples have had angsty confessions#they've all be sweet and soft and wholesome and TOOTHROTTINGLY CUTE#to combat the horrors of the season (mindflayer/demobitches/vecna)#so like#i don't wanna have the HORRORS + the angsty byler it's 2 much#and i just want them to tallllllkkk#a little cute solace in the horrific ass gorey ass show#but like i do know how dramatic mike is and i do know that will isn't gonna b a pushover so he'd feed into it so like fight could happen :P#just not how UUUUU guys think it'll go#byler#mike wheeler#will byers#stranger things
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ok but we REALLY need to talk about the apples scene. as we know, apples are a theme throughout goncharov (not as much as clocks, but still prevalent) and their significance is so cemented through the scene in the market. the scene is about discovery, for all of the main characters; for goncharov, the truth about his father, and for katya, the significance of her deep-held feelings for sofia. the apple in christian canon is representative of all knowledge of the world that rips you from paradise: eve and adam eat of it, and they suddenly know the difference between right and wrong, they realize that they are naked, and once they have clothed themselves, once they have realized that they were wrong to eat of the apple to begin with, they are cast from the garden of eden. the realizations in the market scene, the metaphorical bites of the apple, have similar significance to the characters and the plot.
goncharov can never again go through life without knowing the truth about his father; he can't simply go back to what he was doing before. (and to me, this is a major turning point in his relationship with andrey; andrey has brought him a horrible truth, but he's been honest, and he was there for goncharov, and i think that's a wonderful representation of the core of their relationship. it's not sugar sweet, but it's not blind loyalty either, it's something deeper; i know a lot of people don't like calling their relationship homoerotic but i think it would be silly not to acknowledge the depth of emotion between them, whatever that emotion might be. their relationship is so deeply meaningful and it pulls at my heart every time.) goncharov leaves the apple market fundamentally changed, and he can no longer continue on as he did before. he has to change something, has to take action, has to depart from his life before; it is pivotal in his understanding of the past and his motivations going forward.
katya, for her part, has several breakthroughs with sofia. first, that she has a closer companion in sofia than she ever realized (oh my GOD when sofia says "if we were these apples, if you fell from the tree, i would fall with you. we would rot together." !!!!!! can you believe they put that in!!!!!), and second, that she has options besides goncharov. i think this is the point in the film where katya becomes a woman who would point a gun at goncharov; she was unhappy in their marriage before, but now she knows he is not all she has. her agency is solidified in her structure of support. i think this is the first moment where she really considers going against him; the first hint at her part in the final betrayal of goncharov. it plants so many seeds (haha) for the rest of the plot. and of COURSE we can't talk about this scene without talking about the classic symbolism of the apple and sin. katya and sofia share an apple, for god's sake. i don't honestly think that was the filmmakers' intention with this scene (katya and sofia's relationship has always suffered from the "they were such good friends!" treatment) but the connotations CANNOT be ignored. they express their love for each other, they share an apple; this is their first honest realization and commitment to a forbidden love. of course they loved each other before but like. you get what i mean. you could definitely put this interpretation onto andrey and goncharov's conversation as well but i don't think it hits quite the same (they're tonally different, in my opinion).
also i HAVE to talk about the cinematography. the cut between goncharov and andrey's conversation to katya and sofia's, showing that they are in the same place but in different worlds; they have both chosen this place to meet someone dear to them, but don't know that the other is there as well; their discoveries are different but both significant. the apple market is the realm of discovery. the apple market is the place where the plot starts to blossom into what it becomes, the point of no return; without the apples, there is none of the rest of the plot. it's literally the seeds of the story!!!!! oh my god. anyway
#goncharov#goncharov (1973)#the apple scene#andrey#katya goncharova#goncharov analysis#goncharov symbolism#i just like. really needed to talk about this one guys. that scene Really speaks to me#i'm not gonna go 'oh my god the raw emotion!' but also. oh my god. the raw emotion.#especially since the film is set in southern italy! you can't talk about apples in italy w/o talking ab catholicism#there weren't a lot of like. cathedrals in the film but fr guys you have to take it into account#naples was chosen as the setting for a reason! all of the supposedly incongruous elements are meant to work together#that's the point of the film to me. revealing truths about different stereotypes or archetypes by displacing them into different contexts#anyway. sooooo many thoughts about goncharov i Will be posting about it again#unreality
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Okay, obviously I have some body image issues. This is very clear to pretty much everyone who knows me. I have had them since I hit about 10 years old I think? That gives me 15 years of disliking the way I look, for one reason or another. I have tried a lot of things throughout that time to change my perception of myself. And currently, I feel like I am stuck in a weird place that I can't figure out how to escape.
I understand that there are studies now showing that dieting and working out don't actually work long term for most people. I know that getting into that mostly causes things like yo-yo dieting and circular weight gain/loss. I know that being fat is being shown to not actually be unhealthy in the ways it has often been shown as and perceived to be. I know that literally all the media everywhere is blasting me with idealized bodies that pretty much do not exist or only exist through extremely unsustainable/unhealthy means.
I have tried for so long to believe in and promote body neutrality or positivity for myself and other people. I constantly refuse to let myself think about what I see in the mirror or in pictures. I tell myself to get exercise for the physical and mental health benefits, not for my physical appearance. I try to view my body for what it can do and not how it looks. I tell myself to live the life I want to live now, rather than waiting to live it till I have the body I imagine living that life. Without exaggeration, I am fairly certain I think about these things every single day.
And none of it is working.
I actually feel I dislike my appearance now more than I did even a year ago. I feel like I am constantly noticing things about my body that I never did before or new changes to my body, and I am deeply uncomfortable with them. And I want to do something about it, and clearly simply changing my mentality isn't doing anything. I want to diet and exercise. But I also know it likely won't be a permanent change. I am concerned that I would give myself an eating disorder. And I'm also concerned that I would be feeding into diet/exercise culture. I am worried about hurting the people around me who are also fat. I am anxious about the fact that I am not actually that large so I don't want to talk about it with other people because I know it will make people who are larger than I am feel terrible. I don't want to make other people who are gaining weight feel bad for that. But, I hate the way I look.
This is not sustainable. At some point something will break and I think it might end up being my brain. I am worried about how that would end up. The things I do for my brain and my body shouldn't be about how it might affect other people, it should be for me. But I don't want to be bad for the things I do. I want and have wanted for so long to look like a powerbuilder/warrior/dwarf/strongman lifter/crossfit athlete/etc. I want to be big. I want to be visibly strong and powerful. And I am absolutely not. And I know I struggle with commitment and discipline and all of that, but I also know I struggle a lot with how this desire appears to other people.
Really, I think what this is all coming down to is other people's opinions. I dislike the way I look and am told that's bad. I want to change the way I look and I'm told that's bad. I do nothing and get told that's bad. I have to want these things for the right reason, in the right way, and have to talk about it right all the time. And I just can't. I don't like the way I look and I wish I looked like a brick shithouse and everyone else can fucking suck it.
#please if you know me irl don't read this and then tell me nice things about the way i look#i appreciate that you want to make me feel better but that's not what i'm looking for with this#i am mostly just trying to work out how i feel and what i want to do about it#and what my exact thoughts are about all of it#for example until writing that out i didn't even realize a big part of the circles i'm running in#are entirely about what other people think or how other people might perceive my actions#i am not telling other people to work out#i am not forcing people to go the gym with me#i actively don't want to make other people feel bad or do anything to disparage the choices they make#about their bodies#i do not want to starve myself#i don't want extreme 6 pack abs like people get from being dehydrated for movies#the things i want aren't unhealthy or unachievable (i don't think anyway)#i don't want them just because society thinks being fat is bad#it has a lot more with wanting to be strong and have muscles and not feel soft#than it does the number on the scale or any stretch marks or what size pants i wear#sure i watch superhero movies and wish i looked like them. but i am also aware i'm not fucking male#and my hip bones won't ever be that shape no matter how much i work out#so i would like to think that as a reasonably intelligent 25 year old i can figure out how i want to look#and not have it entirely be just because society told me to look like that#and that wanting these things doesn't make me some evil brainwashed asshole#i don't know that all of this is making sense anymore or actually making point i am trying to make. i'm tired#anyway. to wrap up. fuck other people. i don't have to listen to shit#and if i want to do push-ups and eat lots of protein and get hugeass biceps you can't stop me#and i'm not evil for not wanting my belly button to look like a circle and not a squished frown
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