yet again i am surprised and disappointed by my mom's complete lack of actions behind what seems to be genuine care

𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃𝐍'𝐓 𝐁𝐄 𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐎𝐖𝐄𝐃 𝐎𝐍 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐊!

full name:  jubileena cereza bing .

nicknames:  leena .

age: twenty - two .

gender:  cis  female .

species:  human .

orientation:  bisexual , biromantic .

date of birth:  tbd but she's giving aries sun .

place of birth:  tbd .

residence:  evermore .

occupation:  cosmetic sales rep .

RELATIONSHIPS

parents:  giovanni bing ( father ) , francine bing ( née goode , mother )  .

sibilings:  n/a.

significant other(s):  n/a currently.

PHYSICAL

faceclaim:  m.ikey m.adison .

eye color: dark brown .

hair color:  dark brown .

height: 5′4″

CHARACTER INSPO

cheryl blossom (moreso the comics version but u know RED), tomie kawakami (tomie), lux lisbon (the virgin suicides), lenore (castlevania) and yumeko jabami (kakegurui).

                                  𝐎𝐇 𝐍𝐎 ! 𝐈 𝐆𝐋-𝐆𝐋-𝐆𝐋-𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐃, 𝐓𝐎𝐎 !

HEADCANONS

she is extremely picky with her nicknames. no 'juju', no 'jubi', just leena. she's incredibly particular of how people perceive her and sees her name as part of her "brand", the jubileena bing empire that will eventually come to fruition.

also pertinent to the brand thing, cherries are a huge part of her aesthetic as one might expect. she can often be spotted wearing at least one red article of clothing (which will be the centerpiece of her whole outfit) or at the very least a blotted red lip. it has to be blotted, as she's trying to go for a soft girl persona and red lipstick is too bold! again, she's picky and detail oriented.

extremely rancorous and vengeful, despite not letting it show. she *will* go out of the way to execute revenge on someone; more specifically, she'll pay someone to do it for her, as money isn't a problem and getting her actual hands dirty could pose a massive issue with the image she's carefully constructed for herself.

big mommy issues. it just has to be said. leena hasn't spoken to her mom since she was very little and as far as she knows, her mom is somewhere in the italian riviera with some millionaire and his dumb children who must somehow be much more interesting than jubileena herself. she resents her mom bad. her father, poor guy, tried as he might to make leena happy, to bond with her but aside from the drag racing (which did bring them closer together), nothing really filled the emptiness her mom left.

still on the subject of her father, leena definitely sabotaged any and all relationships he might've had with other women. big parent trap vibes. i have a feeling she would cherry pick (haha get it) the worst parts of every girlfriend he had and use them as an excuse to "protect her dad". deep down, i just think she didn't want to be abandoned yet again.

is obsessed with drag, as in the art of drag. big rupaul's drag race fan. this is bc i'm dumb and originally thought "drag racing" meant the show and not acting racing w cars. ya girl is foolish and small and not a native speaker pls be kind. i have to make her liking drag race a thing now. she quotes it on the daily

leena has a MASSIVE social media presence, which should not be overlooked! she's popular on both tiktok and instagram, and has plans to start a youtube channel soon. she uses her platforms as a means of gathering attention and increasing her popularity, while also promoting herself and recommending products she sells at her job. a real influencer my dudes!

You asked for it :> So may I request the rest of BSD playing Genshin? 😘🥰

Darling, since I can't write that many characters in one go, I thought I should give you something special. I present... 💫 women 💫

Women of BSD as Genshin Impact players

tw: you're in bsd fandom, you know all the tw there are by now

Kyouka Izumi- Assasin in the streets, babysitter in the... Genshin Impact

Kyouka is that cute, stubborn kid that overfixates on things. Atsushi is things. Look, we all know Kyo-chan is mad intelligent and talented and it shows in her game play. Right off the bat she got the sense of the gameplay of every type of character and decided what works best for her. She knows what type of team she's going for and knows how to manage her materials wisely.

When she plays alone, Kyouka works towards bettering her characters and pushing through the storyline. Her favourite way to play the game is with Atsushi, whether alone or in co-op with others. Playing with Jinko is a huge win-win situation for her - she helps him beat up whatever he needs to take down and complete puzzles, he gives her praises and gratitude. And materials, but seldom does she take them.

Her main job, though, is to protect Atsushi and his world from the otherworldly evil known as the suicidal maniac, Dazai Osamu. She's fairly successful.

Main Team: MC, Klee, Keqing, Rosaria

Sub Team: MC, Qiqi, Fischl, Hu Tao

Mains MC, both for her flexibility with elements and because she likes being the little sister to Atsushi's male MC.

Yosano Akiko- retired nurse, now a terrorist

Did you really think she'd stay a healer without having the sadistic satisfaction of hurting people in grotesque ways? Nay. She doesn't have a single healer on team. She either has a teammate who's a healer like Haruno, or she wastes abundance of food until she can teleport to a statue of the seven.

Her game play is on crack, basically. She has several energy spurs, sometimes several times a day, where she rages through the game, before losing interest and going shopping. It's very possible with her that days can pass before she feels like playing again. Then she binges the game for hours and repeat.

When i say she acts like on crack i mean it. She has rage in her veins instead of blood. She tanks her characters and goes out looking for fights with worst possible opponents. Hell, she'll under equip her party just to see how many mofos can she take down in weak state. Spoilers, a fair few. She does die quite a bit, and is almost always out of food, but she's just as stubborn as she's crazy. Those two thing correlate probably. Which is why she made Azdaha her bitch. Her party consists either of strong, hot milfs women like herself, or twinks. You won't see someone like Childe disrespecting her vibe.

Main Team: Beido, Venti, Hu Tao, Rozaria

Sub Team: Lisa, Yanfei, Ningguang, Xingqiu

Beido and Lisa main. Bad bitches only.

Naomi Tanizaki- the fangirl player

She basically collects the cutest characters possible.. That's how she chooses her characters, based on cuteness. She went for the hot ones first to pull her brother but she got jealous and changed her tactic. You know she's spending her money on character skins and certain banners. She's insanely lucky tho?? She got Qiqi on the standard banner as her first 5*, pulled Klee on her banner in little over four 10 pulles and got Diona eventually anyway. Baraba and Xiangling were free and she mained Xiangling untill Klee rolled in. She spent some money on Venti and was already in pity when Ganyu came around. She's fully ready to whale for Kokomi though.

Now i know i said she's incredibly lucky, right? Yeahh that luck has to turn against something to keep the balance and well... she's still crying over Chongyun.

She usually co-ops with her brother, it's a daily ritual. Loves co oping with everyone though, mostly Haruno, Atsushi and Kyouka. She made online friends as well. Actually, there is one person she co ops with almost as much as she does with her brother. IchiGawa is her Genshin bestie and they talk about their crushes and infatuations besides the game itself. Her friend is the only secret she keeps from her brother.

Main Team: Klee, Diona, Venti, Barbara

Sub Team: Razor, Xiangling, Xingqiu, Qiqi

A Klee main.

Haruno Kirako- the healer

Literal angel. You need her, i need her, ADA needs her, the president needs her, just... yes. Her whole team consists of support- healers and crowd control characters. She was a f2p at first, but realised she earns her own money and can spend it however she wishes and she chose the monthly cards.

She's a necessity, point blank. She can get intimidated by new foe at first, but when backed up by her friends, she becomes determined and flexible. Pays good attention to her teammates, most importantly, their health bars, and acts accordingly.

The only reason most of them made it as far as they have, being as reckless as they are.

Main Team: Albedo, Barbara, Jean, Venti

Sub Team: Qiqi, Noel, Jean, Xinyan

Mains Albedo and Barbara

Fan fact: She's very fascinated infatuated with Albedo!! He's even her home screen and has posters and key chain of him.

Gin Akutagawa- that cottagecore assassin

You may be wondering what that could even mean. Let me tell you, she brought Animal Crossing to Genshin Impact. Sure she takes care of her characters and they're pretty powerful, but she kicks ass in real life as well. The game is her little getaway, especially since Serenity pot has been introduced. She's been making away her home for her and her brother characters. You can see her chop wood, collect materials, taking pictures with her friends and her brother, sometimes of pretty scenery and cute moments. A very wholesome player.

She's the type to help her friends explore their world and help them find oculi, open chests, shrines, collect flowers, mine... She's very patient, but if she sees her co-op teammates struggle with something, she'll jump in to help do it herself untill told to back off. In which case she will listen and silently give her support, usually with the cheering stickers in the chat.

She's f2p! Sure, she could get the monthly card at least, as Ryunosuke told her, but she really wants to enjoy the game on her own terms and have what she does through her own effort and hard work. It just feels satisfying to her and more personal.

Main Team: Jean, Ayaka, Diluc, Barbara

Sub Team: Doesn't have one! She just changes characters if certain elements are needed.

Jean main!! She admirers the relationship her and Barbara have. While she's the younger of the two, she's taken the mantle of the older sibling, in a way, and is looking after her reckless as heck brother and cares for him like Jean does for Barbara. Jean is also a wonderful person in her eyes and Gin harbours great respect for the blonde.

Higuchi Ichiyo- IchiGawa 🤡

I love Higuchi so much, but my girl is a mess and a half. Help her, please. No, really, she needs help. She's been over compensating for not being dramatic and eye catching in the battlefield, and has now found a new way to prove herself to her Akutagawa-san. Problem is, as soon as she sees a potentially powerful character, she has to get them and boost them to the havens... yeahh, good thing you can't do loans in the game, otherwise she'd have sharks on her ass for having a bill as dramatic and eye catching as Tsunade's from Naruto. Our girl out there turning heads for wrong reasons. She's definitely spent her pay checks on the game "oh no no, i just buy the monthly subscription, ehe" ehe my ass, you bankrupt bitch. Baal is coming and she's looking to sell a kidney. No, it's not her own and no, it doesn't have anything to do with the game. It's a mission, for God's sake.

But hey, the game is a good investment for her! She even made a friend, one that totally understands her how she feels!! They're very alike as well, ready to do anything for the person they love. The two talk about love a lot and have bonded over it. Higuchi is actually a jealous and a protective type of person, so she hides her friend from Gin and Tachihara like snake hides it's legs. If only they knew 🤡. But it's better this way as they both have a certain sense of normalcy and familiarity they were missing in their daily lives. (Higuchi and Naomi meeting scenario when?)

Main Team: Xiao, Fischl, Xingqiu, Diluc

Sub Team: Baal (soon?), Venti, Ganyu, Zhongli

She mains Xiao because he reminds her of Akutagawa-san and yes, she uses characters from her sub team when playing with others.

Fan Fact: when she was asked why her username is IchiGawa, she said she's like a river 🤡 No, it does absolutely not stand for Ichiyo Akutagawa.

Ozaki Kouyo- the husbando and loli collector

Don't get the wrong idea when i said loli collector. She just needs to adopt them and look after them. She also enjoys watching her precious babies kick ass like her Kyouka. But that's a two way sword, because she gets angry when they die. Savage.

And yeahh, the real reason she's playing the game... Mr Zhongli. She switches often between eng and jpn audios because she can't decide which sounds sexier. Also, Mr Diluc? Yes, she would like to be served one sex on the beach please and thank you! Ah, Mr Kaeya, a perfect window of opportunity, yes.

She has a huge spot for the teenager group as well. Razor, Bennett, Fishl, Xiangling, Xingqiu and Chongyun are also her kids. She just finds them very precious (don't we all?).

Main Team: Zhongli, Kaeya, Bennett, Diluc

Sub Team: Diona, Klee, Qiqi, Sayu

A Zhongli and Diluc main.

Bonus:

Elise- the evil lackadaisical player

Mori found out about the game from Higuchi and Tachihara and introduced it to Elise, telling her she should make a team of sweet little girls like herself and have fun going on adventures around Teyvat. In response, Elise made a team that, not only does it not have a single child in it, but is using it to gaslight and bully Rintarou.

"Why aren't you smart and inventive like Albedo?"

"Why aren't you as passionate and persistent as Sucrose?"

"Look how capable, loved and admired Ningguang is. You could never."

"I wish i had someone as strong, caring, handsome and rich like Childe looking after me. He would treat me like a real princess. "

Mori has been crying rivers ever since.

Thing is, Elise isn't even that interest in the story. Actually, she couldn't care less. Some characters are interesting to her and she likes the graphics, but other than that, she's mostly playing the game to torture the greasy doctor (as she should).

Main Team: Albedo, Sucrose, Ningguang, Childe

Sub Team: doesn't have one

Doesn't have a main either, she plays whoever she feels like playing.

I wanted to add Lucy too, but my mind wasn't cooperating ;-; Sorry about that. I do hope you liked this, Eli 💛

: ̗̀➛𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆

𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙞 𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙮 𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙢𝙤𝙘𝙝𝙞 ?

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

─꒱ in which we peak into how jujutsu kaisen characters handle their child on a daily basis。

─꒱ feat. gojo satoru, fushiguro megumi, kugisaki nobara & itadori yuji

─꒱ warnings ; none

─꒱ notes ; suddenly i’m having jjk as parents brain rot after a night of reading megumi smut

─꒱ JJK AS PARENTS PART TWO

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

─── ➴ GOJO SATORU

꒰꒰ he’s a great dad trust me, spoils his child like no one’s business. you want the entire set of the haikyuu manga and crunchyroll premium? give him five minutes to purchase them. want front row tickets to see nct in korea? yeah, he’ll get it for them and thats plane tickets on first class

꒰꒰ but don’t get me wrong,,, he’s a doting father but sometimes it might be just too much.

꒰꒰ for starters, mans gotta know where their kid's heading on a daily basis. gotta shot him a text that heading to shibuya with your friends or taking a flight to okinawa or hokkaido. he just wants them to be safe !!

꒰꒰ expect him to text his kid almost every time he’s out buying anything. he’d be all the way in osaka, they're in class they will randomly get a text from him if they want uncle rikuro cheese cake or kuidaore taro pudding.

꒰꒰ not to mention !!! he will text you it’s an emergency and they have to call him, a matter of life or death situation. knowing he’s a shaman, he could die but there’s like a percentage of a chance that could happen, it's percentage rivals how fast he can activate his expansion domain. which isn’t much. but when they pick up the phone, he’s just gonna ask the. which top would look better or say there’s a hot deal for these sweets across the street and if they wanna go

꒰꒰ his favourite thing to do it probably embarrass his kid in front of their friends. maybe. yeah. baby pictures and all

꒰�� if he has a daughter his father radar is SO high. a boy gives even a glance her way, he will probably threathen them. spoils her with so much it even HURTS to look at his bank account but he's rich so ;;; takes her out shopping and half his camera roll is photos of her or selfies of them

꒰꒰ if it's a guy, he will cheer him on every time a girl confesses his love for his son. probably even gives him condoms and tips but you didn't hear that from me. with no doubt gloat to his students how amazing and manly his son is, takes him out on missions when he wants and goes sweet store hopping with him

꒰꒰ if his child returns home crying for whatever reason, a boy broke her heart or someone beat their kid up for doing the right thing;; bitch gojo is gon beat the shit outta them no cap

꒰꒰ he's the dad every teacher flirts with at parent teacher conferences, and the dad every girl in the friend with has a crush on

─── ➴ FUSHIGURO MEGUMI

꒰꒰ amazaing dad, but probably should work more on the expressing it to his kid area

꒰꒰ he won't spoil them rotten like gojo, but if he sees its something that they truly want and sees that it's of use or valuable, he will get it for them because he wants to see his kid smile

꒰꒰ he's not big on affection, probably a hug time to time and an appreciation pat on the head. if his kid falls he would just crouch down and ask if they need a hand, or is their baby girl starts crying he'll pick her up into his arms and pat his head

꒰꒰ if he has a daughter he would be reluctant to go shopping with her, but he does like the fact that his kid is smiling and showing him her outfits. he better have a say as well if there's an attire that shows to much skin, he just wants the best for his girl. if a boy looks her way with a look, he will emit an aura enough for the boy to piss his pants

꒰꒰ if his kid is a boy, you bet hes gonna teach his son to beat up half the delinquents up the area too ‼ he has so much trust in his son, they would spar sometimes and he would take him on to missions. he sucks at giving advice, probably around the words of 'just be yourself?' he won't show it but he's cheering for you

꒰꒰ he's a chill dad, if their kid ever forgets anything at home and he's off to drop it off at school, he would be a bit reluctant cuz why did they forget it to begun with, but he's gonna do it anyways <3 the one parent that everyone calls pretty

꒰꒰ he'll text his kid basic and short messages, a how's your day or do you want anything from here kinda texts when he's out on missions. he wants to be sure that you're given enough space to be yourself within his reach

꒰꒰ fushiguro screams like the type of dad that would have a family photo in his wallet. i just find that cute and UGGH yes <3

꒰꒰ if his kid comes home crying, he's going to immediately comfort them. bad test or shitty day, he's gonna be slightly awkward but he'll take them out for their favourite food or arcade

꒰꒰ he's also the typa dad that will check up on you before he goes to bed or when he comes back from a mission, when you're all asleep just to make sure you're safe

─── ➴ KUGISAKI NOBARA

꒰꒰ listen,,, listen, kugisaki is a bad bitch mother and it radiates that energy

꒰꒰ if she has a kid, she's gonna raise them to be the baddest bitch in all of tokyo, in all of japan if all i care. she gives her kids credit for even trying to beat gojo up, but if they can't she's still gonna be happy if they tell her they kicked a guy's kneecaps in for taking their lunch money

꒰꒰ a little reckless, her parenting methods are a bit questionable but like its kugisaki here, she does whatever the hell she wants. her kid falls to the ground? don't cry pussy, get up you're better than this

꒰꒰ kugisaki's that mother who probably buys take out food every friday, or takes her kids out to a mf buffet only to tell them to pay for her because she gave birth to their ungrateful asses

꒰꒰ she's the most chill mother out there, all her kids' friends probably want to be adopted by her because she's fun and knows how to kick ass

꒰꒰ if she has a daughter, definitely wants them to be famous instead of a shaman. she wants to see her kid rocking those magazines or fuckin it up in movies or j-dramas, so she got rights to stroll through the red carpet as the most beautiful mother

꒰꒰ if she has a son, definitely will end up making him into a loyal, bad boy who knows how to drink his respect women juice on a daily basis. the son who also get absolutely wrecked by his own mother in smash bros. doesn't matter how old kugisaki is, she would still be able to beat her son even if he's a first grade shaman

꒰꒰ if her kids come home crying, i bet you she'll only scold them. she'll ask why the hell you crying over this guy/girl, they're way low of the standards and are not even it. she would convince them that they're so much better (?) to make them feel good about themselves. and then she'll probably head lock the kid to crush on a better person

꒰꒰ she's the type of mother who wouldn't sit down to talk to her kid often, sometimes she also socks at communicate like fushiguro but at least she knows it. she would be the type that would comfort her kid by bring food ( typical asian parent shit tsk iykyk )

꒰꒰ she's also that type of mother when they tell her that someone makes fun of something to the point that their kid is broken by it, she will get out that car and pick at fight with the kids, and then wipe their ass on the floor, and the mop the deck with their parents

─── ➴ ITADORI YUJI

꒰꒰ this man is the personification of a fun, chill and laid-back father

꒰꒰ he would be the dad that would wake their kid up in the morning so they're not late, pack their food or bring food to their school if they forgot to bring any

꒰꒰ he doesn't really spoil his kid, but you bet he'll take them to fun places like arcades, escape rooms and even go street food binging. definitely would have a movie marathon too

꒰꒰ if he's back from a mission early and near the school his kid goes too, you bet he's going to catch them by the end of school just to walk home with them and take about his mission

꒰꒰ he's the kind of dad that wouldn't mind if they're swearing around the house, but they gotta watch their mouth still, he doesn't want them to be as bad as sailor nor does he want them picking up nasty habits

꒰꒰ if his kid is a girl, he will give her space and room for anything, be it needing some time alone after a bad test or constantly wanting to go out with her friends to get her mind off things that he might not be able to fix. he doesn't mind going shopping, definitely would give an opinion to any outfits with a thumbs up. takes pictures with his daughter on any shenanigans they do together and send them to his group chat with kugisaki and fushiguro

꒰꒰ having a boy, he would want to play sports with them and go on missions. sometimes they would go to the arcade to try the punching game to see who has the highest and then bet the lower pays for food after. he likes giving advice, even though it won't be helpful or will be, he's gonna say it either in hopes that it'll be brought up in their head in any moment they're in

꒰꒰ he's the type of dad that has a selfie of him and his kid as a lockscreen i jUST KNOW IT

꒰꒰ if his kid comes home crying he will be so worried. like whats wrong, what happened, who hurt you, does he have to punch someone?! he's going to pull them into his arms and take them out for food, maybe even a walk. he's they type to want to cheer them up no matter the situation, and probably when they're all good and dandy, he will personally talk to solve the root of the problem behind their back

꒰꒰ when there's something to be settled, i bet you that they settle it with a game of rock-paper-scissors out five ‼‼

─── ➴ SUKUNA ( BONUS )

꒰꒰ what makes you think this man wanted a child, if he did have one ; probably either got it killed during the heian era or he killed it for his superiority complex </3

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

DO NOT REPOST 、 MODIFY 、 CLAIM WORK OR LAYOUT AS YOURS.

© MGUQIIS 、 2020

The Wilbur Experience

I was thinking about Mary Worth when I had a brainstorm, so I guess now I have to actually discuss the Wilbur Saga.

I've always wanted to explain Wilbur Weston, the self-absorbed, cringey nebbish that often needs Mary Worth's advice. Sometimes I'll look up months-old comic strips in an attempt to find one that perfectly encapsulates the Wilbur experience. But no single installment can really summarize what a bad boyfriend he is for Estelle, or why they had a karaoke battle, or how misguided it was to propose to her.

Anyway, this week Wilbur got drunk and fell off of a cruise ship.

Ironic Mary Worth fandom is having a lot of fun with the drawn-out reveal of Wilbur's fate. (He went overboard in Sunday's strip, and as of Thursday we still don't even know if he survived the fall.) If you've been following along for at least a few months, this crisis feels like an amazing climax to drama that started when Wilbur threw a fit about Estelle's cat. But without that context, this week's strips seem pretty bland and procedural, despite the life-or-death danger. Very little happens from day to day, and yet I impatiently await each day's installment.

So it finally occurred to me that this isn't a bug, it's a feature. For all that I question Karen Moy's storytelling decisions, I finally realize that she understands her medium and the pacing it demands. Each Mary Worth strip is designed to give you just enough to chew on for 24 hours, until you get the next one. Binging a lot of them at once doesn't have the same impact, because you don't spend as much time wondering what's going to happen next. Granted, that daily suspense isn't particularly gripping in Gil Thorpe or Rex Morgan, MD. But Mary Worth solves that problem with its array of garbage characters, led by the king garbage man-baby of them all.

In effect, the true Wilbur experience is not as much what happens in the comics themselves, but the time you spend between the comics thinking about what a jackass he is. Now, that isn't to say that the audience response is more meaningful than the original work. On the contrary, I've just begun to recognize that Mary Worth is perfectly crafted to maximize that response.

Hi, jess! A couple of months ago I sent you an ask about a reality tv show (the farm) and a participant who has bpd (she didn’t win the 1 million price, btw - but she was so happy when she found out that a good portion of the public supported her, specially women ❤️ she’s famous because of only fans and most of her followers on social media, before her participation on the show, were men. So she said she was happy to see so many women supporting and following her now). Anyway while watching the show, I realized many of her behaviors were so similar to mine. Then my mom and sister, who live with me, told me they noticed that too. I decided to ask my psychiatrist and psychologist (I’ve been dealing with depression for the past 10 years), but both didn’t give it much credit. At the time I agreed with them - they said I probably don’t have bpd because the behaviors I was describing only happens when I’m home, with people I trust. I’m very “controlled” when I’m with other people, including my dad (who hasn’t lived with me since I was a kid). The point is, I’m ALWAYS making a huge effort trying to control myself in public - it’s exhausting and I believe it’s one of the reasons I tend to isolate myself. I think I’ve actually learned to camouflage my feelings and to avoid things that trigger me. I used to be more “uncontrolled” as a kid, before I created this deep rooted fear that people’d leave me because of these behaviors and reactions. Do you think it’s possible to camouflage some of bpd’s symptoms? And, if so, do you have any tips on how I could talk to my psychiatrist and psychologist about it? —— I didn’t want to make this ask any longer than it already is, but one of my childhood friends was recently diagnosed with autism. We don’t talk much nowadays, but she messaged me last month to tell me about her diagnosis and to ask if I felt I had some of the same treats - thinking retrospectively, we were very alike. It made a lot of sense and I remembered you said sth about bpd and autism sharing some similarities in some aspects of how the brain works. She also told me about recent studies showing the underreported diagnosis in women. My psychiatrist and psychologist also dismissed it, because I don’t avoid eye contact and have friends. I’m really confused right now, but it’s also kinda relieving to get to know myself a bit more and to think that the struggle I’ve felt my whole life is real. (Sorry for the long text!)

Hey :) Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. Just like to be able to dedicate a bit of time to longer messages like this and I rarely have the attention span for it! But of course I remember the conversation, it was really interesting to hear about what the contestant went through. 

So yes, BPD and autism are often misdiagnosed as each other as there are similar traits that are often found. Usually around attractions to patterns and structure and also around empathy. Like I don’t generally feel empathy for people in the same way most people do. I’d say unless you’re a close friend or family member - or maybe if you’re a child - I probably wouldn’t feel empathy towards you. I generally make decisions about moral standpoints and such based on what logically makes sense to me rather than any kind of emotional connection because I just don’t really feel that. I think the reasons autistic people may sometimes struggle with empathy are different but to an external person would seem very similar so can often be confused. 

To address your two points that made you unsure about the diagnoses, BPD is definitely highly interpersonal so it can change drastically depending on who you’re with. I can be friends with someone for quite a while and they have no idea but if I’m in a romantic or physical relationship with someone they’ll know within a few days. Romantic relationships are my personal trigger so they’re where I struggle the most. Then in terms of autism, lack of eye contact doesn’t really mean anything. I think that’s a common misconception people have but two of my cousins are autistic and they were both very outgoing and friendly, they were incredibly tactile, I didn’t notice them not looking me in the eye but I probably don’t look people in the eye much because that feels weird haha. Women in particular are not well studied when it comes to autism as you kind of mentioned. They are generally better at “masking” and so are often misdiagnosed or their condition isn’t picked up until well into adulthood. So even if you have friends and can look people in the eye it wouldn’t necessarily mean you wouldn’t fit the criteria. 

I wouldn’t want to diagnose you with anything myself as I’m not a professional and I don’t know you personally. The DSM outlines the criteria for being diagnosed with BPD. You have to demonstrate at least five of the following and as with all mental illnesses they have to cause a significant impact on your ability to carry out your responsibilities and go through daily life:

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

Identity disturbance with markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

Pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as "splitting")

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Those are the criteria that would most likely be used to assess you. In the UK we can be diagnosed with depression and anxiety by a GP but have to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist to get a PD diagnosis. It sounds like you’ve already been in contact with them. I’m not too sure how it works where you are. Can you get a second opinion? Are there other doctors you could make an appointment with? Could you go private? I’m very aware of the fact that having the NHS in the UK means that my experiences are not applicable to everyone’s circumstances but for me when I first went to get help I was given meds and a depression and anxiety diagnosis and sent on my way. When that didn’t help I went back and got a higher dosage. And then it still didn’t help and finally I was kind of at rock bottom (or I thought so at the time) and needed help and so what I did on that occasion was have a friend accompany me into the room. They had created a list of things they’d seen me do or heard about me doing that were concerning to them and gave them to the doctor, and they kind of backed me up and gave me moral support. It shouldn’t have taken someone else being in the room for me to be taken seriously but having someone there who could express what I might have been too shy or self conscious to say was really helpful. In the end I got referred for treatment and it wasn’t right for me ultimately as my problems were more complex but it helped for a bit. I don’t know if there’s anyone in your life you trust to be able to be there to support you but I think it can be really intimidating to push back with doctors and professionals and having someone there who knows you and cares about you can be the thing that gives you that extra bit of courage you need. 

I’m not sure how helpful that is but I’m available if you want to ask me any questions about BPD or any explanations of how I experience the symptoms or anything like that :) 

Self-interview (but not really) Part 2

Thanks again @sherlollyappreciationweek

Comp1mom

Q: What made you decide to create a “Christian” version of Sherlock?  According to the BBC version, he is a self-avowed atheist.

A: When I look at Sherlock’s true nature, I see such potential for him as a Christian.  He exhibits so many characteristics that we, as Christians, try to show - forgiveness of wrongs done to him (note how he doesn’t fight back when John assaults him); sacrificial love (his willingness to die for others, as in TRF); the desire for true justice, the way Moriarty says he’s  “on the side of the angels”.  At least for me, I was intrigued by the idea of converting him to Christianity, to give him a true purpose for his life that has eternal consequences.  

Q: Do you think that portraying Sherlock as a Christian is important? Why or why not?

A: I am always hopeful that people will read and see the validity in my reasoning for him becoming a Christian, given how often he has escaped death.  Quite often, in stories, Molly puts the question to him - Why are you still here?  Why have you escaped death so many times?  That should be enough to make anyone reevaluate their life’s purpose.

Q: Molly Hooper is the one who proselytizes him, right? Why do you use Molly? Why not John, who must be a believer in Christ in some way or he would have had a problem with christening Rosie?

A: For me, it HAD to be Molly.  Her character and the way she behaves in the show is consistent with the behaviour of a Christian.  She loves Sherlock unconditionally; she sees beyond the detective persona to the real man beneath.  She needs to be the catalyst for Sherlock to be open to the idea of Christianity, because he loves and trusts her.  John, although he certainly believes in God and has some Christian (or Catholic in my story canon) background, does not live a life that is consistent with Christianity and its ideals.  He has multiple sexual partners.  Although I think he is an ethical man, I don’t believe he has the kind of sexual morality that is typical of committed Christians. Identifying yourself as a Christian because you were raised in a Christian home and went to church, does not make you one if you display behaviour that is contrary to what the Bible teaches.  Either you’re committed to what you believe and try to follow what the Bible teaches, or you are not really committed to your faith, (not that Christians are perfect - far from it, but we do try to follow what the Bible teaches, and we feel guilt when we fail).  There’s a difference between being a Jesus fan and a Jesus follower.

Q: What evidence does Molly use to convince Sherlock of a Higher Power?

A:  In various stories, Molly points out the beauty and balance of creation, that it does not make sense for that balance to have occurred spontaneously.  She also points out the complexity of the human body and how it is built with all its systems designed to work in harmony.  Personally, I believe these two facts are huge considerations, and that it takes far less of a leap in logic to believe something created this beauty, rather than it happening spontaneously.  Molly also points out the fact that Sherlock has been spared from death so many times and asks him to question why that is so, whether there is a higher purpose to his life because of that.  

Q: How do you maintain Sherlock’s acerbic wit and still have him believe that Jesus Christ is more than a swear, is a deity, the Deity?

A:  I try to show that Sherlock is not the “perfect” Christian.  He has many years of conditioning in one type of behaviour, and that is something that is going to come out from time to time. I don’t find it as difficult to write him as someone who does not use the name of Jesus Christ in a profane way, because he doesn't talk that way in the show (unlike John). Personally, I am also not comfortable in writing (or reading) stories that use the name of Jesus Christ as an expletive.

Q: What does belief in Jesus Christ do for his detective work? Or does it influence his detective work?

A: Oh, I definitely think his faith adds an element of compassion to Sherlock’s detective work.  He is no longer answerable only to himself, but he is trying to behave in a way that displays his faith and pleases God.  That means thinking before he speaks, caring about the people involved in the case, rather than just the case itself. His motives, to glorify God in his work, are his priority.

Q: Is there any evidence in Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s writing that Sherlock Holmes believes in Something Higher than himself?

A:  I absolutely believe ACD’s Sherlock believed in God, which is one of the reasons I felt it believable to change BBC Sherlock’s atheistic stance.  ACD’s Sherlock mentions Providence, as evidenced in this quote from The Naval Treaty.

“Our highest assurance of the goodness of Providence seems to me to rest in the flowers. All other things, our powers, our desires, our food, are all really necessary for our existence in the first instance. But this rose is an extra. Its smell and its color are an embellishment of life, not a condition of it. It is only goodness which gives extras, and so I say again that we have much to hope from the flowers.”

Also, in The Boscombe Valley Mystery, when Sherlock lets a dying killer go, he says, “You are yourself aware that you will soon have to answer for your deed at a higher court than the Assizes.” This implies God will judge the man after he dies.

Penelope Chestnut

Q: How long have you written  Sherlolly stories? What made you start writing?

A: A dear friend of mine recommended watching Sherlock, and my husband and I binge watched it in the summer of 2017.  After the final episode, I was so sad that the Sherlock and Molly dynamic was not resolved, I was moved to write a happy ending for them.  My daughters have been involved in fanfiction for years, so I knew people did this kind of thing.  My intention was to write a one-shot happy ending for them, just for my own satisfaction.  After I wrote it, though, I found I didn't want to let the characters go.   I had fallen in love with their story, and I wanted to keep writing for them.  60 chapters later, I decided to start publishing my story, A Journey to Love, Faith and Marriage.  This was just over 3 years ago, on November 7th 2017,  when I joined fanfiction.net.  I later joined ao3 as well and was publishing on both sites for quite some time.  I've had a better response though on fanfiction.net, so have pretty much limited myself to that site over the past year and a half.  I continue to make revisions and correct errors on my fanfiction.net stories, while I don’t really do anything on ao3. I have been likened to a writing machine on a couple occasions.  To date, on fanfiction.net, I have published over 1.9m words.  Putting that in perspective, in three years I've published the equivalent of more than 7 volumes of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (the longest book in her series), or close to two and a half volumes of the Holy Bible.

Q: Do you have a certain routine you follow when you write?

A: I don’t have a set daily routine, but I do set myself a goal to complete a certain amount of work per week.  This has changed over time.  Currently, I set myself the goal to write at least one chapter of a story each week, to keep myself in line with my publishing schedule of one chapter per week.  If I am writing an installment for my COVID-19 series that is published in addition to my regular publishing schedule, I still try to write that in addition to my usual chapter writing for the week.  So, at times I write more in a week than other times. I am also working on revising one of my AU’s into a Christian historical romance I hope to publish professionally next year.  

Q: What is it like being a Christian author?

A: It brings me joy to spread a Christian message through my work, but, like anyone else, at times I do suffer self-doubt.  I've questioned in the past whether my limited audience makes worthwhile the enormous effort I put into writing these stories.  It can definitely be discouraging to get very little return on your work, and I have a bad habit of comparing myself to more “popular” writers in the fandom.  I am, however, getting better at recognizing my own self-worth, having confidence that the lack of readers is not a reflection on my ability and talent as a writer, but more a reflection on the general lack of interest from the majority of Sherlolly fans in reading stories with Christian themes and the values that go along with it (particularly sexual purity outside marriage). Just as I don’t care to read stories of characters with a colourful sexual history because I don’t agree with that kind of behaviour due to my Christian beliefs, I imagine those without similar beliefs are probably not interested in reading about sexual purity or abstinence before marriage, as it is not something they can relate to. Thankfully, I am blessed to have a small but vocal support group who really give me the impetus to keep writing these Christian stories.

Q: Are there any devices you use in your writing as a legally blind author?

A:  As I mentioned earlier, I absolutely would be lost without my iPad.  Actually, it is the larger sized iPad Pro.  I would also be lost without programs that give me the ability to resize the font so I can read it!  Thank God for technology!

If you made it to the end of this two-part interview, I hope you enjoyed getting to know my writing journey better.  God bless!

sunshine in L.A.

A/N: kind of an original character piece but also not entirely.  i just was having a great time writing! hope you folks enjoy!

word count: 3k

There was something about her twenties that never felt quite right, worn like a sweater a size to large. She watched as her friends floated from relationships and friendships seamlessly, while she felt caught. In what exactly, she wasn’t sure. Part of her hoped with time that feeling would fade, become background static instead of pumping along with her heartbeat. Going with the current, she did exactly what was expected of her. Attended college, albeit a community college, but college none the less. Part time work covered what financial aid wouldn’t, even scraping enough together to buy a beater car.

Time drifted on and the feeling stayed, haunting and hollow. Avoiding the problem didn’t lessen its size but it never grew. In the back of her mind constantly. Social media was the worst part, watching her friends flourish and flower, while it took everything in her to remain sane and present. Two years flew by in the blink of an eye and she were left with a tiny degree she was not sure she really wanted. When the opportunity did present itself, she knew it was one she could not possibly pass up.

She knew that even in L.A these demons could surface but maybe the constant sun could choke them out. Packing her meager belongings into the back of her car, she pointed it in the direction of L.A. Whether she actually ended up in the sunshine state wasn’t the point, but rather, it was to get out. Stop the cycle before it became the only focal point of her life. It took longer than it should’ve, she passed the days slowly. Each spent behind the wheel simply heading west.

L.A. was a zoo. She worked your way through the city with fascination and hopefulness. She was certain of one thing and uncertain of many. She hoped to write but was willing to do just about anything to make money. Well, just about anything, she still harbored some self-respect.

L.A. had of a way of worming its way into your heart, no matter how shitty people made it seem. Each self-respecting L.A citizen hated the city as much as they loved it. She found a decent studio apartment, managed to get a job as a barista quickly, and spent the first month slinging caffeine in the daytime and writing into the wee hours of the morning. Cash was always tight, considering she did live in one of the most expensive cities, but there was semblance of happiness. It was clawing it’s way in on the edges of her life.

The customers were not particularly strange, at least not always. There were a couple of memorable moments, but most days passed by in monotony. She knew customers by their orders, not names. These small moments between the register and picking up their coffee offered she a small window into their world. These hints they dropped left her wondering about their lives outside their order and these four walls. Who were these people who flocked to the shop like cattle to slaughter?

She certainly played favorites, every barista did, with both customers and coworkers. There were those who made the days a little brighter. The first was her coworker James. Somewhere in his twenties like her but an old soul. He came to work in sweaters, cooper rimmed circular glasses, and disheveled hair on the daily. He was welcoming and warm and chased away some of the darkness.

The two of them became instant friends. He would wait after work to hang out, get drinks on the weekend, and spend Sunday brunch complaining about his hangover. At first, she was confronted with the concern that maybe he was worming into her life in hopes of it ending in a relationship, but as soon as she met his boyfriend Scott, that fear was put to rest. In a way, she chose the two of them as family. She spent countless hours with them, at ease with the way things were.

In James, she confided most of her fears and a lot of her guilt. The backstory of her life surprising him but explaining the front she put up. Tragedy often bores the strongest soldiers. In the year she had been in L.A, James helped her pick up the pieces and put herself together, an unrepayable favor. Thanksgiving was right around the corner and she were destined to spend it with James and Scott.

“James, I’m running to the grocery store after work and if you play your cards right there might just be a bottle of Prosecco with your name on it.” she joked over the espresso machine, a sly smile on her lips. James and her always bantered at work, often to the amusement of the customers and other coworkers.

James matches her smile, “Oh honey, you act like I would actually need to play my cards to get it, I’ve got you wrapped around my finger.” He chuckles and turns back to the drawer. The day was getting late, closing time just mere hours away. She was practically counting down the hours till she could curl up on his couch and binge “New Girl”, the new obsession for the two of them.

“I like to pretend it’s the other way around, but I would admit you are right, James. But besides that, anything else?” she asked, hardly looking at him. There was unspoken communication between you two most days, a glance could tell a story. “I was thinking pizza this fine Wednesday night. But I’m certainly open to suggestions.”

“And break the Wednesday night pizza tradition, how absurd!” James feigns hurt, a hand over his heart and concerned expression painting his face. “The table is already set, we can’t go making changes now, silly girl.”

“Then pizza and prosecco it is. Perfect.” She giggled and sent a curt nod in his direction. The entire conversation was an open invitation for him to change the plans, but he never did. Wednesday night was always reserved for the two of them. They devoured pizza and whatever show they were working on. It was sacred to them both.

The rest of the day passed quickly, the sun just barely setting when she and James locked the shop doors. A brief hug and a quick exchange of words and the two of them were off in opposite directions. A pit stop at the grocery store and then to James’ place. He would order the pizza in, as per tradition. Tasked with grabbing the drinks and whatever bits she needed, she would be to his place shortly.

Her car sat tucked in the back lot, warm from sitting in the sun. Cranking the window open once she had climbed inside, turning on the radio, she set off to the grocery store. It was smaller than most that scattered around L.A, which is why it was her favorite. She did not have to fight the yoga obsessed mothers to get through the aisles or hope the hipsters didn’t pick through the all the good stuff before she got a chance to be there. The old man, who she assumed owned it, knew her by name. Often, he would gift products just a day out of date to her. He did save your ass more than once.

“Charles, what’s the good word for today?” She asked, swinging the door open and nabbing a basket.

Smiling, he gushed, “I beat the finalist in Jeopardy today, but I’m here and he’s there,” shrugging he went on, “I put some of those cookies you like in the back, they went out of date yesterday, Dandelion.” Charles had been using the nickname since she had started coming here. She was totally convinced he had to be her guardian angel. When she asked him where it came from, his response surprised her. “Like the weed, you always come back. You are full of fire and strong. I can see it.” She felt partial to this grocery store. She ended up here for a reason.

“Great, I was craving something sweet all day. Remind me, I have got something for you in my bag before I go. Don’t worry, nothing poisonous.” Jokingly she added.

Charles had a love for Jim Harrison. Often when she was browsing at old bookstores or garage sale’s she would stumble across one for him. He probably owned nearly every single book published by Harrison, but always acted thankful and surprised when she presented him with another. She wanted to make sure he knew how much she appreciated him in a way of more than just saying thank you.

She scanned the aisles looking for the familiar packaging of her favorites. She hardly noticed the boy till she had practically run into his back.

“Another one in Charles good graces, a rare species.” He teased.

Chuckling, “That must mean there are people on Charles bad side, which I highly doubt.” He was home strung, as far as she could tell. Clean cut and not looking for a lot of attention, judging by his all black attire. “I’m assuming you’re one of the lucky ones, too.” She implored.

“Thankfully, I have managed to make my way into one of his chosen few. Even without it, I would still come here. This is the only grocery store where I don’t have to cross my fingers and hope all the good stuff isn’t picked over. Charles seems to have a force field to keep this place hidden. Certainly, the best kept secret of L.A.,” he pauses, searching your face, “you work at the coffee shop on Sunset, Eight-Fold Coffee, right?”

“Guiltily is charged, Mr. iced latte with almond milk,” tapping your temple, “steel trap. I only know people’s drinks, not their names, sorry. I was wondering if you looked familiar or if it was just the lighting.”

Extending a hand, cheekily responding, “David. The name’s David Dobrik, or iced latte if you please.”  His smile was easy and charming, you couldn’t help but stare. His entire posture oozed ease, you couldn’t quite decide if he was trying to flirt or simply be friendly. Of course, that wonderful friend called self-doubt started to crawl its way into your chest, so it was time to go.

Flashing him what you hoped was a friendly parting smile, “Y/N. Y/N Y/L/N. It was nice finally meeting in more than just an ‘iced latte with almond milk’ kind of way. I’ll see you around. I have promised the roommate a night in and if I don’t come through, the world might stop turning.” Turning on her heel, tossing David a small wave, she headed for the register. All the things she needed forgotten.

She set the single bottle on the counter and wait for Charles to ring it up. Silence elapses, you lost entirely in your own thoughts.

“Dandelion?”

“Huh, what?” she missed what he asked, cheeks flushing at him catching her in dreamland.

“Lots on your mind today?” Charles inquired, a knowing look on his face.

Smiling and rolling her eyes, “I respect the fishing for a morsel of mind but maybe when inquiring minds aren’t near.” she winks. Digging in your bag, she pulls the book for him, Returning to Earth, out. “I found it at a garage sale this weekend and thought you could add to your collection. But this one, is to expand your horizons.” She pulls The Pleasures of the Damned by Charles Bukowski out. “I’ll need it back but keep it as long as you need, I know where to find you. See you around Charles.” She pays and get ready to go, sneaking one last glance in David’s direction. Grabbing onto her bag with the prosecco and cookies tucked in, she heads for the doors. One last look to the aisles and she can see David still tucked amongst them, scouring for something in the sea. A shake of her head and she is out the doors.

Tossing the bag in the passenger seat, she meanders down the streets towards James. A stampede of thoughts about David comes and goes. It was just mutual acknowledgement that the two of them did in fact kind of know each other. Yet, she found herself wondering if she should tell James about him, see if he had any insight on the guy. The thought felt foolish considering it was just a run in at the grocery store, nothing more.

Charles knew more about her then he let on. He knew her heart was kind but had been through a lot, he knew you were loyal and strong, but he knew also knew when her heart would tell you who to let in. David did not need much from that grocery store, mostly some alone time. His inquiring mind also wanted some more information on the barista who stole his breath away. As he left that day, Charles told him something he would carry with him for a while. “People like her, they guard their hearts, but hers is golden. It won’t always be shut.”

Opening the door to James and Scott’s apartment, she could smell the pizza. Her mouth was already watering. James rounded the corner into view between the small kitchen and living.

“I was beginning to wonder if you bailed.” He poked.

“On you, never.” Rolling her eyes.

“I am almost flattered.” He made for the bag in her hand, noticing the cookies right away. “Charles treats you like your one of his own grand kids. One of the people placed on that golden list.”

“About Charles coveted list, I ran into a guy from the coffee shop. David? Iced latte with almond milk, dresses like an unemployed ninja. Do you know anything about him?” She asked trying to keep the hopeful tone from her voice.

James searches her face before continuing. “A sudden interest in a customer, more like prominent interest. I’ve noticed the favorites you play with him.” He flashes you a joking grin. “I don’t know much about him honestly. I’ve heard whisperings from the other baristas that he has some youtube channel, not much else. He seems nice.” Bumping his shoulder with hers, “It wouldn’t hurt if you tried to be friends with him. It’s not a crime to branch out. I would not be insulted if you did. I worry that maybe you don’t because I take up a lot of your time.”

“Certainly not, you take up a perfect amount of my time. I just, remember how hard it is for me to be friends with people, I guess. I am a lifelong hermit. Plus, if he’s doing that whole ‘social media career’, he might not be the kind of friend I want.” Socializing was never her strong suit and if David’s preferred choice was blasting his life across the platforms, maybe she would take a pass.

The two of you vegged out on the couch way past what was a reasonable time, both scheduled to open tomorrow. He was on her mind all night, the little she knew about him had her mind doing circles. He seemed innocent enough, a good guy if Charles liked him.

 The sun shown through the windows all morning, bringing a warming light to the coffee shop. All day you hoped he would pop in, yet, it went unanswered. Clocking out, she nabbed her notebook and a mug of coffee, making her way to the bank of windows along the window. She tried to keep her mind from wandering, yet it seemed impossible. Perhaps she scared him off.

“I figured you were a writer. Nobody suggests poetry books, Bukowski especially, unless they are a writer. Or terribly sad, but judging by the notebook, I’d say the first.” David said, standing next to you bathed in the afternoon sun. He looked as though he just woke up but in a delicious way. His hair was messy and his eyes warm. She could not help but bath in the light emanating from him.

A small smile spread on her lips, “You’re a fan?”

“I saw it on Charles counter on my out yesterday. A simple Google Search did the trick. Guy seems kind of dark for you.” A blush plays on David’s cheeks. “I was hoping to run into you today. Listen, me and my friends are going to this party tonight, would you be interested?”

“Uh,” glancing behind the counter you see James shaking his yes vigorous, “sure, why not?” It seemed in David’s presence, the hole in her chest seemed to lessen some.

Another one for Friday Night Fights! The challenge hosted by @promptsforthestrugglingauthor . This one is a little weird, and admittedly was both inspired by me binging Girl Defined response videos, as well as my experiences at Church. It’s also written in second person, with the viewpoint character being a ‘nice church girl’. So, just a heads up.

Be a nice church girl. 

You wake up Sunday morning, early enough to watch the beautiful sunrise that God had painted across the sky. Cheerfully, you get out of bed. You didn’t even have to set an alarm clock, because getting up at dawn on Sunday is just a habit to you. Of course it doesn’t bother you at all. You plan out your entire week around the couple of hours you spend in Church. Obviously you’d have slept early the previous evening. It is for your Father in Heaven after all.

You brush your pearly white teeth, carefully scrubbing over each one. They were white and shiny teeth. Of course they had to be. In Church, you could only be seen smiling. And no other expression could really be sufficient there. Before God, you simply had to present your best self, and what better way is there to exist in? Happy, cheerful, a delight. You simply were overjoyed to be there.

Your hair and makeup done. Perfected. Just feminine enough to be perceived as a perfectly charming woman. But not too flamboyant to the point where you would stick out. You pick out your outfit next. A simple dress. Floral patterned. A matching baby pink cardigan. White ballet flats of a fairly modest design. Nothing too sparkly, nothing too flashy. Just something simple but feminine. After all, it’s not like you go to Church to draw attention to yourself. All of this is to simply honour God. This was what everyone in Church wore, because it was modest, but presentable. And most importantly, no one would stick out. No one would individuate.

From your dresser, you reach for a simple gold chain. Then a simple set of earrings. They were fake pearls, which did make you a little upset. Because you knew a number of the other girls in Church had real pearl earrings and you knew you couldn’t exactly afford them. You prayed that God would help you with your sin of envy. After all, at the very least you did have those fake pearl earrings. Cheap-looking and uncomfortable as they are. You sometimes wished that you didn’t need to wear them. But alas, the look simply wouldn’t be complete without it.

You subconsciously catch yourself chewing your nail, but once you caught yourself you stopped. It was a bad habit. You knew. And after all that work you put into painting your nails, taking care of them, you really wanted to keep them in good condition. Just like how every other woman in Church had nice nails. They all sported evenly painted, unchipped nails. Your hands still shook every time you painted them.

People commented on your nail biting. How it was unhygienic, unsanitary, gross. You knew they just wanted what was best for you. It wasn’t like they were unconcerned. And anyways, they did have a point, didn’t they? Nail polish smelled horrible, but you soldiered through it to apply it on anyways. Maybe someday, you’ll get good enough at nail polish, so that when you see your nails, you would not feel the need to chew them.

You eat breakfast, and when you do you don’t drink coffee. Who really needs sustenance like that? All you really needed in life was the energy which God provides you with. Every day, you can just sleep your planned eight hours, no problem. God provides you with the discipline to stick to your daily schedule. This was no problem. Nothing was impossible for God.

Hail a cab to Church. Quickly, you made it. Everyone there is smiling, dressed in their Sunday best. 

The men looked handsome and dashing in their suits and ties. The women looked beautiful and charming in their modest skirts and dresses. Everyone grins at you when you arrive. You talk about current events. Your families and your jobs; their children, nephews, nieces; sports; the weather; any gossip about other members of the congregation. All very engaging topics which you never used to be particularly interested in, but have found to be absolutely fascinating to talk about. The gossip especially, was a bad habit. But well, we all do fall short of the glory of God. He would surely forgive you.

You found it difficult to differentiate the people around you. You walked up to someone in an orange dress with shoulder length wavy hair, expecting it to be your friend Clara. Instead, it was Elizabeth. You walked up to a tall man with neatly gelled hair and a red tie, and you thought that he was Michael. But it was actually Joseph. It was a little embarrassing. But they were all good sports about it. That was something difficult you frequently had to deal with. Especially in Church. Navigating everyone, because for some odd reason you often had trouble differentiating the people around you. 

Well, some people were easier to differentiate than others. Case in point...

In the corner, reading a book with a smiling dragon on the cover, sat a young girl in a baggy hoodie and a pair of ragged jeans. Her earphones were firmly plugged into her ears. She was listening to music. No one was talking to her, and she didn’t seem particularly bothered by that.

You could only sigh when you saw her. She had been like that for a long time. There had probably been a time when she was a cheerful, sociable child. But now all she did was hang back and keep to herself, which would not do at all. God had commanded us all to be a friend. So you figured you really ought to go over and talk to her. You think you remember her name - Rebecca, if you’re not wrong - so you head over to her, a wide, pearly white grin on your face.

“Hi, Rebecca,” you say. Your voice chipper and loud enough so that she may hear you over her music. It worked to get her attention. She looked up from her book, and pulled out her headphones. You smile. That’s at least some progress. She’s paying attention to the world around her now. 

“Hi,” she said. She closes her book, but places a finger on the page where she left off. She shot you a fairly neutral expression. Neither a smile nor a frown could be seen on her face. Her lips were instead a perfectly straight line. Behind her glasses, her eyes just looked puzzled at why you were there.

You continued smiling. She smiled back, but only by slightly turning the corners of her mouth up. That was another step in the right direction! Smiling was good! Especially smiling in the house of God! Surely, no one had any real reason as to why that was supposed to be a bad thing. You slide beside her, sit next to her at the pew, and continue talking. “So, how have you been lately?”

“Okay,” she said. And then nothing else. Not a ‘how about you?’ or any other elaboration beyond that. That was upsetting. You remember a time back in your past when you were like that. But you soon learned the proper way to talk, hold a conversation. Thanks to all the people who taught you how to talk correctly. Soon, maybe Rebecca would catch on too.

You figured that, at least for now, maybe it would be a good idea to talk to Rebecca about something she was interested in. “What book are you reading?” You ask. It had a dragon on it, so it was probably a fantasy novel of some sort. Most likely a book she has owned for quite a while, since the spine was cracked and the pages were all dog-eared. 

You were never all that into fantasy. When you were younger, you very much preferred science fiction. And though you frequently found yourself yearning at the new science fiction books on display at the bookstore, you knew you shouldn't get too caught up in reading them. Years ago, you used to stay up late reading all those books. Way past midnight. You wouldn’t even crack open your Bible. But now, you’ve made a commitment towards going to bed on time and reading your Bible every day. And though admittedly, some parts of your personal Bible study made you bored, or made you conjure up some terrible questions (no doubt just Satan attempting to make you question your faith), you keep pushing on. Those science fiction novels may be alluring, but they surely aren’t nearly as great as the treasures which would await you in Heaven. 

Rebecca glanced at you, then showed you the back of the book. “It’s called ‘The Thief and The Knight’,” she said. Without any other comment.

You looked at the blurb at the back of the book, which read:

“What, no thank you? I went out of my way to help, you know, I didn’t have to.”

“You almost got me arrested!”

“But you didn’t, so there shouldn’t be a problem. Ungrateful!”

Tenia is a knight in training. Serious, clever, and an overall teacher’s pet, all the people in her life certainly had high hopes for her and her future. 

Kavlin is a mischievous young thief. With nothing but the clothes on his back and his trusty dragon, Gason, he lives every day barely getting by, stealing whatever he needs to live.

The two of them couldn’t have lived lives more different. But one day, when their paths met in a market, they soon found their fates entangled permanently. Now Tenia needs to make a choice. Follow her head and continue her knight training, or follow her heart and walk a new path with Kavlin? 

You sigh. This doesn’t sound like a particularly godly story. You recalled reading several similar stories like that when you were young, and it would always end with the obedient young woman leaving her neatly laid out life for some reckless, hedonistic man. That was definitely not how God intended for young women to live their lives. 

But maybe there’s a twist in this story. “Hm, that sounds interesting. Does she go back to studying hard to become a knight?” You ask. Smiling in as kind a way as you could. 

Rebecca shook her head, which was slightly disappointing for you. “She falls in love with him. They continue working together, she quits being a knight, and together they’re now thieves working to make the kingdom a much better, safer place for the poor.”

“But surely she could have done that while still being a knight? Without becoming a thief?” You ask. “The Bible says that we must use our gifts to help others in need. She could have done good for the poor using the gifts which made her such a promising knight, instead of going on to become a thief. There’s ways of helping others without disobeying the law.”

Rebecca looked at you, biting her lip. You hope that that’s a sign that she’s reconsidering reading something like that. God did say that we should be careful about what we read, and what we think about. If your words would convince her to stop reading something so immoral, that would only be a good thing. 

She took her book back, and held it close to her chest. You shot yet another smile at her, hoping that she understood that you were only concerned about her and the state of her spirit. Hopefully, she will get there soon. You remember how hard it had been to forgo your sci-fi novels. Even to this day, you still kind of miss them. But you could live without them. You could live only on the word of God alone, without any other book. That was something you had to remind yourself almost every day. But it was worth it. It had to be worth it, to be God’s faithful servant.

“At least consider it,” you say. “I’m only concerned for your spiritual well-being, and I wouldn’t want you to get the wrong ideas from the wrong places.” Rebecca still stared at you, her face still seemed fairly expressionless. But maybe, with some prayers, she’ll have her heart and mind changed.

You thought that you heard someone call you, and so you turned back around. “I’m sorry Rebecca,” you say. “I think I’m needed elsewhere now. So I’m going to have to go.” Such a shame. You were hoping to chat with her for a bit longer. Now what she’ll do is slip her headphones back on and bury her nose back into that book of hers. You should know. That was what you used to do back when you were her age.

You tried to recall. Why did you used to do that? Socialising with others in Church was such a pleasant thing. You loved to go every week, and listen to them talk about all the minor life updates that they have. Their new houses and cars. Their children winning participation trophies. Surely, those things were always far more interesting that any book one could bury their nose in. You try and think back, why did you like to read and hide away so much from the world. But you could not dwell on that question any further, because soon you ended up swept away by the crowd. Your train of thought halted. And you got sucked, like a whirlpool, into a sea of identical pearly white smiles and modest dresses.

24 Frames

“You thought God was an architect, now you know

He's something like a pipe bomb ready to blow

And everything you built that's all for show 

goes up in flames - in twenty- four frames”

- Jason Isbell

This may come as a shock, especially to those who know me well, but I can be very stubborn. Sometimes this can work into my favor as it helps bolster confidence when I take a difficult position that I know is right, or it can help me persist when odds are long such as starting a new business.  But this often is a character trait that I know can hold me back.  In particular, I bristle at things I am told that I “should” do even when it clearly would be in my best interest to do whatever is being suggested.  It usually takes someone equally stubborn to get me to move off of my position, but this did happen recently.

My wife is always on me to watch various different television programs, but I always balk.  I watch some TV but is it well documented (on this blog) that it is pretty much limited to PBS and reruns of old game shows and sitcoms.  I don’t like to leave that comfort zone, and it takes a lot for me to try out a new show – especially one that is episodic that expects you to come back week-after-week. I know that means I miss out on a lot of good stuff, but I’m okay with that as it allows me to keep my time on the tube under control and I don’t get more involved with something than I really want to be.  But on this one particular show, she was quite persistent, and I was challenged to at least give it a try.

The show is Schitt’s Creek, and I am sure you have heard of it if you do not already know it well. If you haven’t seen it, do not worry, as I will not be disclosing too much about the program.  Even if you have heard a lot about it and feel you know the story, part of the charm of the show is watching the characters develop throughout the series, so plot turns and the such are not as important as in some other episodic series.  The basic plot is that an extremely wealthy family of four, including two adult children, are forced to move to a small town when they lose everything overnight due to a business manager not paying taxes.  The series starts with the scene of revenue agents raiding their mansion as the family frantically collects a few belongings, so no time is spent on their past life.  Every moment from the first scene is spent on their life afterwards which involves living somewhere in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of regular folks.  It sounds like a typical fish-out-of-water setting (think the second Bob Newhart show for the closest example), and that is certainly mined for plenty of laughs, but it quickly becomes clear that the show is about much more than this.

That is all you are going to get from me about the actual show, because no more details are relevant to the rest of this post.  Except that the acting in this show is brilliant and worth watching for that alone.  The father and mother are played by Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara, both of whom I have been watching for decades in their various film roles and on the hilarious SCTV program.  The chemistry between the two is so natural and genuine that you quickly adopt them as Johnny and Moira Rose and forget their 40+ years in show business as other characters.  The children played by Levy’s son Dan and Annie Murphy are equally good and get a lot of the laughs as their clear lack of reality in their past lives plays to insane results when applied to the real world of the town of Schitt’s Creek.  The supporting cast is not just a bunch of wacky neighbors but add much depth to the show and develop themselves over the course of the series, especially the character of Stevie played by Emily Hampshire. The character of Roland Schitt, played by Chris Elliot, may be the best second banana on television since Cosmo Kramer. Again, none of this gives away much if anything about the show or the various plot arcs, but it should give you extra motivation to watch as talent like this collecting in one place is rare indeed.

And why exactly am I so intent on you watching this show?  While the quality of the program and the enjoyment it will provide you is enough reason to dive in, I have discovered a much greater purpose to following the evolving journey of the Roses.  Even though the show was created over five years ago, and largely wrapped production on its sixth season before 2020, it has become for me the perfect allegory for the United States right now.  Our country is going through the same experience that the Roses went through much of the first two seasons.  After the sudden event of COVID-19, we found ourselves much in a place like Schitt’s Creek. Over seven months into this pandemic, we are still stuck in what life was like before and when will it ever return. I do not think this is much of a spoiler alert for anyone who is rational, but how the way things were is never coming back.  COVID-19 has wreaked havoc on our society, and we like to blame it for all of our current problems, but it simply laid bare all of our faults and weaknesses almost overnight.  We are now no longer able to push those existential problems aside and have to face them head on. Many of us are not up for the challenge and would like something to change things back overnight, but that is not happening.  It doesn’t matter if there is a vaccine, or a new president, we have to face that we collectively lived lives that were not grounded in reality and our fates hung delicately in the balance just waiting for something like COVID-19 to come and bring it crashing down.  Just like the Roses lost everything in one quick raid, we now find ourselves building our lives all over again in a strange place where we are very uncomfortable.

Now I know that is difficult to hear and very depressing, but here comes the good part.  Just because things have changed does not necessarily mean that we can’t grow and develop into something even better than we had before. Obviously, a deadly disease like COVID-19 is not something we ever wanted, and it has brought countless suffering and death to too many people, but it does provide for a starting point to helping us grow beyond some of the shallower lives we lead previously.  It may take a lot of tough love, but we will eventually get the virus under control and the big question will be what is next.  For me, there needs to be an evolution past wherever we were before this all went down. I think our guide can be the Rose family in Schitt’s Creek.  The a-ha moment for me came at the end of season two titled “Happy Anniversary”.  I will disclose nothing more about it other than to say it was a transformative episode not only for the Roses, but for my own outlook on things as we move into what will be a very dark winter.  

If you are a watcher of the series, some of this may make more sense to you, but I think even you could benefit from another viewing to see if you can apply some of this to your own life as well.  I am actually only through Season 3 so far (I know enough about what lies ahead to be able to write this post, but it hasn’t ruined a thing for me), but I am already making plans for starting over to pick up things I missed the first time around. And it is important that you start in the beginning and move through the episodes sequentially.  Not so much because you will lose the story, as many of the stories are self-contained within an episode, but because you will miss out on the character development along the way (again, kudos to the actors and actresses in this show who so brilliantly developed these characters). I know this is playing it up quite a bit but trust this one-time reluctant viewer to be assured that your time is going to be well spent.

This many come off as a review, but it really is not.  I mean, if I were a reviewer, I would include some of the above in my story (and end with four stars or whatever the highest rating is), but this has become so much more for me.  It has served as a life-saving antidote to the poison spewed in traditional media and social media that makes me nauseous on a daily basis.  I find myself occasionally daydreaming about a funny scene I saw, or a subtle profound moment in the show, which has replaced some of the constant worry about the pandemic, or economy, or the election, all of which have a life-or-death feeling to them.  It has proven to be a rare new tool in my arsenal against anxiety and it will end up being one of my lasting memories of 2020.  That is a lot to say for one show about a year as particularly disastrous as this one, but I sincerely believe that.  

So, don’t be like me and be stubborn if you haven’t seen this show.  As soon as you read my last sentence, get yourself on Netflix and start watching with Season 1, Episode 1.  And make sure you don’t have anywhere to be tomorrow because the one negative is that it will be hard to stop once you get started.  But I think it is okay right now to binge on something that is finally showing us that there is a way to succeed in life without putting others down or placing selfish pursuits over relationships.  So, dig in and enjoy and I promise that I have learned one other thing throughout this experience – keep an open mind.  Because when you keep your mind closed, you shut out a world of possibilities, even when that world seems to have none.  

Enjoy,

Jim

815

At what time of day do you normally feel the best? I love the evening the most. I get to have my coffee, it’s quieter around the house, and it also gets a little bit colder so it’s more fun to hang around by then. Do you normally have to hem pants? I’ve never had to do that before. If I need my pants fixed, I usually ask my lola to do it since she’s good at that kind of stuff. Name one reason why someone should not commit suicide. I can’t speak for other people, but I personally stay because I don’t want to leave Kimi behind and because I’ve seen countless mini-documentaries of parents who were left devastated by their kids taking their own lives. What would you do if you had no one to love and support you? That sounds so fucking bleak. I imagine bringing myself to therapy so I can learn how to deal with such a situation, and so that I at least have one person to talk to. If you didn't have love and support, would you feel life was worth living? No. But that’s why I imagine I’d be going to therapy, so my mind can be changed.

If you had no family nor friends nor money, would you feel life's worth living? These questions are so stressful to mull over and a tad bit triggering lmao, can I pass at this point? If you're unhappy, what would it take to make you fulfilled? Depends on what I need, which differs every time. Sometimes I’d wanna be alone, other times I’d want to be with other people, other times I’d need to drive and take longer routes than usual, or to binge YouTube videos, or a good nap...it’s always different. What was the last thing that upset your stomach? The meds I had to take for my UTI. Feeling poopy was one of its side effects, so even though it didn’t upset my stomach per se I did have to have several trips to the bathroom then. Do you have to go the pharmacy a lot? No, only when something’s wrong with me which doesn’t happen too often. Are you sunburned? I haven’t been sunburned since I was like 10. The tendency just suddenly stopped at some point. Do you wish someone loved you? I have a lot of people who already do, fortunately. Do you call yourself stupid often? Like every other hour lmao. What's a song you love? From Eden - Hozier. Do you miss anyone who was mean to you? Not to my knowledge. I’m glad they aren’t in my life today. Name someone you know who is a cancer survivor. One of my former Filipino teachers in high school. Are you friends with any cancer survivors? I don’t think that I am. Does God often answer your prayers? How was your day today (or yesterday, if it's morning)? It was average. Nothing out of the ordinary happened today but I did like the fact that my parents still left the living room aircon on for most of the day even though summer’s over and the weather’s already begun to be a little colder. Do you wish the sunrise and sunset lasted longer? Not really? I’m fine with the ones we’ve got lol. Would you want to relive your childhood again? Fuck no. It had some nostalgic bits, like the shows I used to watch or me playing outside, but it was far too traumatic for me to miss it as a whole. I’m happy being a grownup.

Were your college years the best years of your life? Not fully. My time in college only peaked by the second half, so it wasn’t all that great. Junior and senior year were very fun and eye-opening, though. Would you rather re-live high school or college? Ooh that’s quite a pickle...both periods had their highs. High school was a lot easier (academically), it was a time when I could fuck up and it was okay, and I found my first group of friends. College was a time of independence, a lot of growing up to do, and I also found my second group of friends. As miserable as I was during my freshman year, I ultimately have to go with college because I hated most of the people in my high school anyway and because I really loved the independence I gained in college, from being able to drive on my own and managing stuff on my own time to being free to choose my class schedule. And also, duh, I passed my dream school? I’d relive my years in UP in a heartbeat. What is the dumbest sports-team mascot you've heard of? Not really familiar with sports mascots to begin with. Are you a sports fan? Err, not really. I’m a pro wrestling fan, but it’s not 100% a sport. Where do you feel like you fit in the most? In my college and in my org. I’m sad that I only get four years with them – three when it comes to my org. Do you hate social classes? Yes. Do you think talent should have anything to do with social class? What? I have no clue what this question is insinuating but lmao of course not. I know some crazy talented people who wouldn’t be considered rich, and I know some bland-ass wealthy people who can’t do anything impressive at all. Name a country who's history you know nothing about. Australia. Name a religion you know nothing or very little about. Zoroastrianism. I only remember the founder. Don't you hate know-it-alls? I hate when they start getting conceited. What is your favorite store at the mall? I love visiting Fully Booked every chance I get. When was the last time you went to the mall? That would be when I had my eye checked last early March, because the clinic I visited was inside the mall. Aside from doing that, I also had late lunch at Marugame Udon which apparently would be the last time I’d have their food for a while, unbeknownst to me :( Do you have a bed or do you sleep on a mattress on the floor? I have a bed. When was the last time you went for a run? LOL never. Have you ever tried hard drugs? No. Which school subject did you hate the most? Back in high school I really hated the advanced math and science classes e.g. chemistry, physics, calculus, trig. In college, I found myself hating philosophy and economics the most. What was the last thing you wore from Aeropostale? I don’t think I ever wore anything from them. Which devotional do you read? I don’t read those. Do you appreciate classic literature? I appreciate and recognize their impact, but I don’t like reading them.

What is something you find strange? People who keep pushing for the All Lives Matter narrative. Cringe. Do you like your natural hair color? Sure. I’ve never actively complained about it, that’s for sure. Would you rather get a pixie cut or get dreadlocks? Pixie cut, because I’m pretty sure getting dreadlocks as a Filipino is a form of cultural appropriation? Would you rather dye your hair or get a perm? Dye it.

Do you keep Christmas lights up year-round? No, we don’t. Have you ever started a new trend? Just me? Lmao no. Do you have any artwork of yours from high school? I definitely don’t. Whenever a teacher would give our artworks back, I crumpled it up as soon as I got it and would throw it away. I just simply rejected all of my attempts to be creative lol. What did you win a scholarship for? I’ve never gotten one. But my university did start implementing free tuition for all undergrads starting in 2017 when I was a sophomore, so it’s kinda like the same thing. Did your college meet your expectations? Yes, and more. UP taught me far more than classroom lessons as it opened my eyes to the more important societal issues happening outside of school. It made me recognize our farmers who never earn the income they deserve; the factory workers stuck in poor working conditions; the jeepney drivers whose work is never respected; the millions of working class Filipinos who simply deserve better;  and the government that is more corrupt than I thought. My college on the other hand taught me to be fearless and to never hesitate to search for, report, and defend the truth, and to disseminate just that to the masses. Bottomline is that words can’t even begin to describe how grateful I am to have studied there and I will always be very much in love with my school. What was the best thing about college? The best thing about mine, at least, was the throng of life lessons and eye-opening realizations it gave me. Each of them has been more valuable than any lesson I learned in the classroom. UP taught me that there were a thousand other issues far more important than problems I face in my own privileged bubble, but that I can help facilitate change if I wanted to. How old were you ten years ago? 12. Easily the worst age I’ve been in. What's the best piece of advice you can give someone ten years younger? Stay. It’ll get better. Not instantly, but it does get better. Do you feel like you are old enough and experienced enough to give advice? I think anyone’s fit to give advice no matter how old they are. Even kids can be quite insightful. The differences just lie on the topics people give advice on. How old were you when you started to feel mature and experienced? 17, after I had a series of shitty stuff happen to me at one point in 2015. When I got past those, I could tell I wasn’t the same person that I was, like, two months back. Were your 20's hell? I’m only in my second year lmao, can you get back to me in eight years? What type of bug do you see the most often in your home? We don’t get a lot of bugs at home, fortunately. We have tons of ants though. Do you put off things until the last minute? If I’m not passionate about the task, yes. Do you have the air conditioning on right now? Nope, just the fan. Is your mom the same size as you? She’s slim but she’s still ever so slightly a bit larger. We can technically share clothes but some of them would still look loose on me.

Does camping appeal to you? I have moods where it does and moods where it doesn’t lol. What color is your sleeping bag? I don’t have one. How often do you pray? Do you surrender to Christ daily? When was the last time you went to church? Do you know any Christians who aren't judgmental? Only a handful, and it’s usually people in my age group. Most of the others suck, and I can say this because I’ve had coooooooountless personal experiences with rude, hypocritical, sexist, homophobic, and transphobic Christians and Catholics. Do you believe there are any good people in the world? Of course. What's one thing you are scared of? Flying cockroaches.

Our Connection With The Shows

How often do you relate yourselves to the web or tv shows you watch?

Well it’s a no brainer we all do that maybe a little but to some extent, we all do.

The Indian youth is getting greatly impacted by the tv shows or web series. Almost everyone is familiar with at least one show and recently “binge watching”, “Netflix and chill” are two of the most popular terms used in daily life, if you don’t agree with me, just go and checkout the memes, after all, they are the source that tells us what’s popular or what’s happening around us.

So coming back to the shows, a couple of tv show almost everyone is familiar with “FRIENDS”, “How I Met Your Mother” …how often have we related ourselves with that show with Chandler not following the career he’s passionate about, joey not being successful in a career he is passionate about, Ted’s emotional resistance, Barney’s evolution and of course the love life of the characters and their specific personalities, and how we wait in life for certain things to turn out the way we want them to, these shows made people laugh, cry  and gave them some real life lessons and we all would have felt like wannabees or have felt perfect resemblance.

Then there’s 13 Reasons Why, a show that came like storm and still it’s aftereffects are visible. The show spiked the number of suicides in the United States or maybe they were high since the past decade? This is a very debatable point i.e Was 13 Reasons Why an over exaggeration or was it the truth?

The show featured all kinds of stuff that goes on in the lives of teenagers and it really hits how youth could relate with the events in the show. The biggest point that show raises is that “LITTLE THINGS DO MATTER”. A teenage or adolescent brain can not always find people to share stuff with. We as acquaintances can never really know what a person is going through, that how a person is going to take what we say, little things that we say might just be adding to a pile. No matter how little a thing might be, those little things make us what we are and who we are.

It never really gave us the right direction in which, we should deal with our problems. But it did carry important messages like, Suicide is never a solution. It is an irreversible choice regarding a temporary problem. There is help and Don't be afraid to talk to your friends about how they feel and let them know you care about them. Some of us might not relate with it but according to surveys 13 Reasons Why really helped people in coming out of depression, anxiety or getting rid of suicidal thoughts by just giving them the strength to talk about it. Sometimes just having a conversation can save lives.

Then the most recent one, YOU. There are multiple ways in which people were able to relate with it. The biggest highlight of the show, a character who can not really be called an antagonist or be called a protagonist and this is the thing that stands out the most. Some people say that Joe Goldberg was right and justified in doing the stuff that he did and some say he was a freak. You see that’s the thing, the show tells us, that no matter what we are or who we are, we are the heroes of our stories and that keeps us in constant denial that we did something wrong. Whatever Joe did was wrong, but justifications he gave to himself, the reasons he gave to himself, the things he said to himself to keep his dignity and decency intact and his LOVE pure sometimes made viewers also believe that he’s not wrong. No matter how much we deny there’s a Joe inside all of us. Lets see things from a smaller perspective, think about the times we had an argument with our friend, the times we lied to someone, the times we sneaked into someone’s privacy, times we hit someone, times we were rude to someone. We can never really see ourselves as the bad ones. Everytime, we will come up with some sort of excuse or justification to make us feel better for ourselves, that’s what Joe used to, obviously the things that we do are nothing compared to what he did. So I guess its safe to say that on a smaller scale, a Joe lives in all of us. It takes guts and some legit reality checks to admit our wrongs and that’s what the show tells us in the second season with “Love” (Kinda Spoilers).

In the midst of the FEMINISM’s rise, there came show named Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. A story of a woman losing everything in a matter of time and then her story of getting herself together. The show screams feminism, but there are a few things for guys also in that show.

We all think there’s this one thing we’re meant to be and do, until suddenly there isn’t. Sometimes it’s a matter of falling out of love with the idea, others we find it ripped out from under our feet. Either way, we’re suddenly left with a bright scary road ahead of us and we don’t know what to do. But often times, there are hidden talents or passions that we have yet to discover or have outright ignored. Whether you’re 20, 40 or 80, it’s never too late.

How many times have you resisted telling someone what or who you are for fear of being judged? When Midge attempts to tell her family over a holiday dinner that she’s a comedian. Needless to say, it doesn’t go well. Especially when they pull that age-old say something funny comment.

One incredibly important lesson I’ve personally learned is if you say you are, you are.

So in the hindsight, series do waste our time, they might be just for entertainment, but if we really look into them, into the layers of characters, we are sure to find a part of ourselves in them. Even if they necessarily don’t teach us anything, one thing they od give us is some Reality Check that all of us need.

 It was my first blog, hope you like it.

I think often about what the last thing I say to some one before i die.

I don't know when ill die. If i make it home from the store.

So I tell my kid "I love you" every time and usually at our house some nonsense piece of advice so she knows i care

.....

Kelly Ripa decided to stop talking to her kids because they womt hug her. What if she died tomorrow? She wants them to know their mom hated them because they wouldn't hug her? Because she wouldn't compromise. She's being childish. She's the adult. "Okay i realize you're at the age where hugging mom sucks and you're using this opportunity and taking advantage and i know you're exploiting it in a way that is hurtful to my feelings as a mom. And it is unnecessary. So let's find a decent ground. So now er have to have movie nights 3 times a week. Quit your jobs if you have to. But we're all gonna sit in the same room and watch the same tv and be together. No touching. Because i love you. You're my kids and thr most important thing to me" instead she's a childish cunt ass bitch.

Instead she may die tomorrow and purposely leave her children in a gutter of guilt and hate. That's disgusting Kelly Ripa.

Your children are the age where they can say they do not want to be touched. You need to fucking respect that. It took Quarentine for them to tell you? What do you do on Your daily alcoholic binges that makes them feel your touch is undignified?

You beat them? Scream? They are probably the most thankful kids in the world that you finally shut up.

Don't think tree ain't telling on you because he is.

......

Now we Don't know what will happen ever.

What is dying with people? Old and children?

Knowledge. Information. Wisdom.

Old stories. Recipes.

Y'all going to the hospital -- you're missing out on the World's Greatest Gift -- you.

You're taking that from your kids and your great grandkids and your parents

Because you're scared. Because you're scared of the Great Unknown.

Stop.

You know what the best medicine in the world is besides love?

Laughter. Y'all saw my xrays of the cancer in my lungs? Laughing makes me cough and miserable.

But you know what? I wouldn't trade those moments for anything.

And y'all purposely going to ICU. Where no one can hear your voice.

Can't hear you plan your own funeral.

Sing your favorite song. Or at least play it on the phones.

Can't hear you say"no girl i said "corn flour! That is corn starch!!" Watch you look at the can and then put it in anyway and hear you laugh behind them because you dam dumb.

"Oh!!" And watch you luckily be able to scoop it all or most out Or tell you what corn starch is. And why you put it is soup to make it thicker instead of flour. Then realize "dam you didn't do it wrong at all! Girl you are dam smart! Im sorry honey i still love ya! I'd still love you even if yoh ruined dinner!

That is what the world is missing out on.

This Quarentine bull shit. This lock them in the room like cages.

I'll go along with you call them all evil cause some really are.

But there comes a time that changes.

Our world don't stand still. It rotates on its axis every 24 hours we do a full blown spin.

The world don't slow down for nobody.

That's the truth.

Im not saying stop. The world don't stop for nobody either.

What I'm saying is play it smart.

You get a pilot with COVID-19 or someone immune to it. Dam go jump from the plane. Go bungee jumping.

If you're immune you're immune. Period.

The problem is Corona Virus. But if you are happy and having fun and your life is lit up how are you gonna get sick?

I am an immonology expert believe it or not. If you got a build up of happiness you're immunity is higher than others

Mine is not. I am not happy. I'd die on pneumonia in 5 seconds. That is why I already had the Corona Virus. You only get it once. So I am immune to both. And DNA4U will tell me that.

So i can bust all in a room of sick ass mother fuckers and be just fine. I can (slow) dance (for hours if I'm drunk) provided my back and hips don't eject me.

I can press my painful hip against a sick ass mother fucker's leg about to die in 2 hours to help me deal with my pain and let them die dancing in my arms.

Isn't that how you would rather die than hooked up to a machine alone, mute and unable to communicate?

Ventilators. Its a tube that goes in your mouth and down your throat. It can cause an even worse infection. And you can't talk. You can't breathe on your own. And it forces you to sleep because it's so much pressure you can't control your own breathing. Its one of the worst ways to live. And one of the worst ways to die. I've done both.

I'm not from some place higher than the rest of you.

Experience wise i am. Immunity for this particular thing i am.

Right now Marc Antony took all the cancer in my ribs and dropped it down to my hip. And it feels like a femur bone top. And it hurts like Hell. Mostly because I messed with it and i broke half it... Dude... It felt like a bone i didn't think it would. Every time i get up and walk it hurts. I have a fever now.

So y'all I'm not all I'm immune and better than you.

I almost fainted in the store today. I could cracked my head open and died. Dude i didn't expect that. I didn't feel fine but i thought it was stress not a health problem.

I don't know when I'll die. But i am told i will.

I was told in 2 weeks. But who knows. I don't.

So I'm not different than anyone else with COVID-19.

But i sure as Hell ain't going to the hospital to do it.

Not because they will probably kill me faster. And not because i don't respect them.

I really respect and love and treasure my personal doctors.

That's just not where I wanna be. Spending weeks and months in a hospital...

No.

I'm not wrong.

And I'm not wrong about the rest of the world being better together in a community center to die while dancing. Or playing volleyball.

Or anything... Chasing each other with cap guns. Whatever.

Playing chess and checkers or BINGO.

The governments have it wrong.

The rest of us have it right

#WeThePeople

Documenting Daniel Cho’s Substance Addiction, Anger Problems, and Sexist Tendencies

An account of the problems our relationship has endured. Any photos will appear at the end of the post.

Since I began dating Daniel Cho in October 2015, I have been a first-hand witness to his sexism, anger problems, and substance use disorder with both marijuana and alcohol. Of course, occasional recreational use of some types of drugs is not a problem in my opinion. I have categorized it as such according to the following definition:

“Substance use disorder occurs when a person's use of alcohol or another substance (drug) leads to health issues or problems at work, school, or home. Children who grow up seeing their parents using drugs may have a high risk of developing substance use problem later in life for both environmental and genetic reasons.“ (Citation: https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/001522.htm)

By his suggestion, we started drinking as a way to bond when we first dated. There was no problem at the time, as we had both legally were able to drink not too long ago, and binge drinking was “to be expected” as typical college students. It was fun, it was new, and nothing stood out as excessive. A downside to us dating and having fun was that we had poor judgement and often had sex without protection. He did not like condoms and I wanted to make him happy, so I would regularly take Plan B.

The first sign of alcohol abuse was when he had drank himself into a depressed mood, and called me. At the time, we were not together yet, I had my doubts about his personality, and we were long distance dating. He pleaded and cried into the phone, asking why I wouldn’t be his girlfriend. I was exasperated, not knowing how to deal with this situation, not knowing why he decided to binge drink hard alcohol by himself, in his room, in his parents’ house. I had never met anyone before who would purchase hard alcohol to get drunk by himself.

The first sign of marijuana abuse was when we went on a date to a nearby park. We had been hanging out in the parking lot in his car, when he began having breathing problems. For exactly 1 hour, he struggled to take deep breaths while I sat there watching him. Smoking was and had clearly been irritating his lungs. Despite this, he continued to smoke excessively.

We eventually became boyfriend and girlfriend, and continued our constant drinking habits. By this point, it was whenever we were able to meet up with each other, as I was in Davis and he was in Buena Park, ranging from once a month or every few months. When I moved down to Socal after I graduated, I lived in my grandparents’ house temporarily. We met up much more often now that the long distance was over, and thus drank much more. We also took recreational drugs such as marijuana and MDMA once in a while usually by his prompt (but sometimes by mine); we were on top of the world. Our relationship at this point had no problems regarding power or gender; he seemed like a regular modern-day feminist, but with chivalrous tendencies. At the back of my mind, I did have a thought that he was someone who was easily addicted to substances, but it did not seem a problem at the time.

I moved out to an apartment in Anaheim in August 2017, and stayed in a 2-bedroom with Mindy. At the time, Daniel was not allowed to move out, as his father threatened to not pay his tuition. Therefore, he came over almost daily, and we continued our drinking habits. The drinking, the sedentary lifestyle, and the emotional burden of being with him had now caused my body to balloon to a weight I had never been. Now that I lived with someone else, I became a bit wary and embarrassed of drinking so often. Mindy even pointed out that we were drinking so much. The increased drinking may have had something to do with how I was concerned how often we were taking MDMA and quit cold turkey, but may also have nothing to do with it. At this point, Daniel and I were very comfortable with each other, had a lot less of the highs and more lows, and as we were both constantly drunk and were both fiery people, we fought a lot and loudly. I often felt apologetic to Mindy for having to endure living with us. I also did not know I could turn into a mean person when I drank, and apologized every time I got that way. Alcohol also could bring out the mean side in him, and it became a guessing game to see if getting drunk that night would result in happiness, me being mean to him, or him being mean to me. I began attempting to reconcile differences between Daniel and I during fights by setting up rules to abide by, such as not using hand gestures, not raising our voices, etc. I tried navigating the conversation, taking particular care to make it a point when the topic began to stray. It was a new thing for both of us, and of course was not perfect at the beginning, but it was definitely beginning to help. Of course, I had a problem with interrupting him talking, but it was a growing process for both of us. We were both failing, but becoming better at working at it, and it was not getting as quite out of hand when we got drunk.

April 2019, our arguments had been increasing and consistently escalating the more our differences presented themselves. The stress of the arguments had taken a huge toll on our relationship, and he found himself constantly angry while I was constantly sad. The depression I went through in high school due to an unrelated incident had begun coming back. He had started growing tired of me trying to control the arguments (mindset of “I don’t want to do what she says because she’s not consistently following it either”). One day during an argument, he suddenly stated, “I want you off the birth control.” His explanation was that he had heard from a friend, Angela, that her birth control caused her hormonal imbalance which caused her to feel crazy. I was shocked and confirmed with him that he knew what he was saying. He stood by his stance, and the argument ended. I confronted Angela secretly, and she was taken aback by his words as well. She assured me her experience was purely her own, that she was just asking him to think of the possibility it was a factor in our arguments, but she did not suggest or remotely backs his decision to tell me to quit birth control. I was angered and speechless at his behavior. While I did not believe birth control had anything to do with it, I had been wanting to switch BC methods (I was using Nexplanon and had been told it shouldn’t be a long-term method, and I had been looking into the IUD). I then began making plans to switch without letting him know. I booked an appointment with an OBGYN that month and went in for a check up and an analysis. During this check up, I found out how much I weighed (146 lbs, up from weighing consistently 115 lbs throughout high school and early college years) and that my blood pressure had been fairly high. We discussed available IUD options, decided on the Mirena, and removed my Nexplanon. I went home, and decided to then tell Daniel only about removing my birth control, per his wish. He instantly became angry, and asked me why I did not consult him about removing it first. I was stunned again into speechlessness. I had grown up learning that a woman’s body is her own, that women are empowered to do what they want, and that men accept and endorse this. The conversation ended, and I told him within a day or two that I was switching to another method and having no birth control was a temporary thing and I would resume mid-May. He was relieved, but still vocalized his unhappiness that I did not consult him first. I was devastated. Not only was this way of thinking an outrage, I did not appreciate that he was speaking openly of our problems to other people; I deeply preferred professional help, was wary that friends or family would lead us astray, and have told him this sentiment before. To “get back” at him, I decided to divulge this problem to my friend You You, who was even more shocked at his behavior. While I felt justified in how I felt, I still did not speak on it at this point, but later brought it up at least weeks later. I told him there are certain things that are not available for discussion, including birth control, and I was deeply offended at the things he had said to me. He then apologized for it, and became bitter if I brought it up in the future, but at this point, I had a nagging inkling that sexism was deep-rooted in his upbringing and would continue to show itself. I must note that after discontinuing use of BC and also using another method of BC did not affect how I react/speak in arguments, not that it matters.

In May 2019, I moved out of the Anaheim apartment and into a Brea 1-bedroom unit. Within a month, Daniel had moved in with me. Now that we were together 24/7, his substance abuse became evident to me. He smoked marijuana multiple times a day, whether it was multiple bowls of leaf or multiple hits of wax. His lungs were bad since he was a child from a persistent asthma, and did not seem much better now unless he stopped smoking for an extended period of time. My friend Linda had slept over one night and had commented on how much he smoked weed (considering she was the friend I considered to be the biggest partier in college). I remember telling him to stop smoking as much throughout our relationship, with little success occurring. One conversation we had, I recall him saying he knew I wanted him to stop smoking, but if I had treated him better, he would have been able to quit.

We were also still drinking excessive amounts of alcohol. I knew how it was affecting my health and my job performance, but I let myself continue. (Some days I would show up to work extremely hungover, but would be too nauseous to be able to work and had to take a sick day. Some days, I persisted through the hangover, and would vomit in the bathroom. My stool was also regularly painful and watery.) By now, I was chasing a high that was usually fleeting, or would not even present itself. As a larger male, Daniel was able to handle his alcohol much better than me, and gained little weight and experienced little hangover. Apparently he had gone in for a check up, and his body was functioning perfectly fine. I do not know if he is unaware or simply in denial of the consequences alcohol has on a body with extended repeated use, such as with cigarettes, but he claims nothing will happen to him.

On 1/2/2020, the first police incident occurred. His cousin Yerin had come from South Korea for a visit. I decided to invite her over to the apartment after a day out in LA. As she was not visiting for much longer, I wanted her to have a typical American college party experience. The attendees were Daniel, his sister Sarah, Yerin, my friend Sean, and myself. We played Rage Cage, Beer Pong, and a drinking card game. Throughout the night, Daniel drank the most, but he was able to control his attitude and seemed fine to all of us. As the night was winding down, he seemed to have fallen asleep on a chair. We all helped him to the bedroom into bed, and returned to hang out in the living room. Upon hearing noises from the bedroom, I went to check on him and found him on the floor moaning. I asked Sean for help to put him back on the bed, but Daniel began acting strangely. He grabbed a nearby stool and began shaking it violently. He resisted Sean’s help and flew into a rage. He ran outside to the patio and seemed to collapse on the patio couch. As it was a chilly night, and he seemed incomprehensible, we decided to let him be for a little bit. However, he began yelling at the top of his lungs, and as we did not want him to disturb the neighbors, we decided to pull him back inside. He began yelling threats at us, that he would kill us, and I suddenly became afraid for our lives. All 4 of us tried pinning him down and quieting him, but he would not. The only way I was able to get him to stop yelling for a second was by choking him until he began to gag. Once he began gagging, I immediately let go and he would gasp for air. Once his airway was no longer blocked, he would begin screaming again. I repeated this several times, but we were all becoming exhausted and panicked. I ran to the bedroom and closed it, and searched the rooms for his guns. I found what I could and put them in the bathtub. Then I called 911 and asked for help, letting the operator know our address, his situation, and that there were weapons on premise. Once I was done calling for help, the cops had arrived. I went back in the living room and saw that Daniel had begun vomiting all over the floor and over a blanket his sister had shoved in his mouth to keep him from yelling. 3 to 4 cops had pinned him on the floor, and he seemed to have passed out. We provided all the information we could, and the cops searched the apartment for the guns. Finally the ambulance arrived, and as they began moving him onto a stretcher, he regained his drunken consciousness and began resisting and cussing out police and medical staff alike. They transported him to the ER at the nearest hospital in Yorba Linda, and we quickly followed suit with Sean driving. Once he was done being checked on by hospital staff, we were allowed to see him. He was sleeping soundly in the bed, and we did not receive any information about his blood alcohol percentage, or anything else for that matter besides “he shouldn’t have been binge drinking.” The rest of our party decided to go rest back at my apartment for the night while I stayed with him in the ER. After a few hours of allowing him to sleep, a doctor came over and tried to rouse him. Daniel woke up looking disoriented, saw the handrails of the hospital bed, and began violently shaking it. As he was clearly not back to a regular mental state, they allowed him to go back to sleep. Yet another few hours later, he woke up by himself. Now, he was back to normal and asked me why he was there. I explained the situation briefly, and he suddenly appeared to be angry (possibly a byproduct of being ashamed of himself?). He realized he was sitting in clothes he had wet himself in, and it took quite a long time for the doctor to arrive to release him. I was taken aback at how short his temper was, especially when he was in a position that should have humbled him to his senses. The doctor tells him to stop binge drinking and hands him an info packet about moderating drinking. Once he was allowed to leave and Sean picked us up, we all took turns berating him on his behavior the last night. He sat there stunned as he listened to our accounts, and was bewildered by how he was not sent to jail. I had not considered that probability, but as I’m writing this today, I wish the kind police had not shown such mercy. After that night, I thought I was going to break up with him the next day. However, the care and love Sean, Sarah and Yerin showed him after he returned the next day made me question myself... shouldn’t I be showing him an unconditional love as well? I shrugged off the thought. Everyone leaves and he tosses aside the info packet without taking a further look. Again, I’m stunned at this behavior... it’s going to be filled with stupid information of course... but where was his remorse?

Because this traumatic incident was so fresh on our minds, I told Daniel to stop drinking for at least 6 months. At first, he made excuses and tried to convince me otherwise, then unwillingly obliged... but not for long. Within a month, he was back to drinking excessively, and tried to hide it from me. We had a fairly full bottle of vodka from that night that I put away in our bedroom. I arrived home one day and noticed his behavior was very strange. He was easily irritated by me, and seemed to not remember what he had just said or done. It dawned on me that he was drunk and I asked him thus. He said he did not and continued to act haphazardly with me. I went into the bedroom and the bottle of vodka confirmed my suspicion - it was nearly depleted with perhaps 1/4 of the bottle remaining. I brought the bottle out and waved it in his face and asked him again if he had drank. He continued to blatantly lie... to my dismay.

I’m unsure of when, but we received our second police visit shortly after, this time unwarranted. We had both drank alcohol that night and had gotten into an argument. He was back to his own ways of using dominating body movements, raising his voice, being generally hard to deal with, and I had gotten sick of it. I stopped using my calm voice and stopped trying to navigate the conversation, as I usually do. I screamed back at him. Our neighbors had heard my screaming for the first time (obviously they had heard him yelling all the past times and thought nothing of it) and mistook it as me being the victim of domestic violence. The police arrived and talked to us separately to assess the situation. They told us to give each other space for that night, so we did. After that day, I vowed to quit drinking as a pastime with him.

After repeated pleas to stop drinking hard alcohol, to try to adjust him to not needing to get drunk by drinking beers with him, I have found nothing works. He has gone back to his way of thinking that he wants to get drunk, that his drinking has nothing to do with me, and that I was “acting like a parent” and had no right to tell him what to do. He expresses that he would never let that incident happen again, that he can manage his drinking, and that as long as he is not blackout drunk, he is a person whose behavior is not causing any problems. However, the moment he begins drinking hard alcohol, he gets extremely loud, cusses much more, and his mood becomes bipolar. I was tired of the alcoholic arguments, the repeated constant cycles of highs and lows, my own irregular mood while drunk, and decided to try to wean myself off of alcohol. As of June 2020, I have stopped using alcohol as a distraction, and no longer partake with him (I do drink a tiny bit if someone comes to visit us), while he continues his regular daily use.

Recent arguments have begun sounding similar with one main theme: I was not doing something that pleased him. Examples include using a word “incorrectly,” causing him to misunderstand me. Once he figured out how I was using a word, he would fly into a fury, telling me to stop using the word wrong, and becoming further enraged when I told him that’s just how I use the word. Another example is disagreeing with a way of thinking, and telling me how I think is wrong and that I need to change it. To put these things into perspective, we were discussing a recent episode of Terrace House. I casually mentioned the difference between the basketball player and the comedian was that the basketball player had succeeded in his career goals (he was playing professionally and had been playing since he was a child) and the comedian was a failure (the comedian had just begun his journey, but was severely tone deaf in what funny was). He immediately began to focus on my use of the word “failure,” and asked for my reasoning. Having been with him for long enough, I could tell this conversation was not going to lead to anything productive, and I asked him to drop it. This only further infuriates him, so I end up explaining my point - that someone who is not funny cannot magically become funny through practice. The comedian’s skits were obviously replicated from something that had made himself laugh, but he himself had never said anything funny. Upon hearing my explanation, Daniel sees this as an in to create an argument, and tells me why I’m wrong. He says the comedian had only just begun the journey to be a comedian, that the comedian had benefited from comedy when he was in a dark place and wanted to inspire others, and in no way was a failure. I tried to explain that this was merely what I thought, that I didn’t want to even talk about this in the first place, and that I still think the comedian was a failure. What Daniel got from this was: I was using the word failure incorrectly, my opinion of the comedian was incorrect, I need to change how I thought and talked to match what he thought and said, and that I was just too stubborn to believe him.

More and more of the way he treats me and the way he deals with his problems have begun reflecting his parents’ dynamic. According to his sister Sarah, his father had always been a heavy drinker, and I have heard from Daniel that he used to be a heavy cigarette smoker. When we were dating early on, Daniel said his father would go out with friends and drink, and arrive home when everyone was sleeping and vomit in the guest bathroom to avoid waking his wife. Sarah stated that while he drank a lot in the past, he has gotten better recently (past few years only) and does not drink quite as much anymore. Also, Daniel’s mother is someone who both Daniel and Sarah agrees has “given up” and listens to the father in whatever he wants.

Normal small arguments I think I would have been able to deal with more efficiently and more succinctly, but I had never encountered this domineering attitude in my life. I understand wanting to convince someone, especially your partner, that your point is right, but to go as far as to use your position and power to demand you to change was too much. I began trying this tactic: first explaining that we both have our own viewpoints, that we don’t need to agree with each other and that we can live with each other and still respect our disagreeing opinions. When that didn’t work (and often triggered him further), I was now weak-willed and would begin apologizing and agreeing with him because I was weary of fighting, not being heard, and just wanted to be on his good side again. After a few times of utilizing this method, he began saying something new: that I need to just stop and listen to him, because after being stubborn and defending my point, I would realize he was right and come to terms with how wrong I was. I was shocked, but I understood where he came from... if I was choosing to apologize, of course it seemed like I admitted defeat. I stopped using this half-assed method to end arguments and stopped agreeing with him just to soothe him. As of today, our arguments go unresolved. He has not agreed to my multiple requests to see a couples therapist. They begin by him getting mad at me for some reason, my unwillingness to agree with him, and we end up giving each other the silent treatment when an argument occurs. My depression has gotten at an all time low, and my search results are filled with looking up how to resolve issues, how to deal with a person with anger issues, how to deal with someone with addiction, how to deal with my own depression.

None of this excuses my poor behavior, my actions, my threats towards him. I am a human who gets angry easily, who has OCD and can’t control my nagging, and I make mistakes. I did used to threaten him that I would break up if he did not do x. I did tell him to leave when I was unhappy. I did use my “power” as the person whose name is on the bills. I am not saying I’m perfect, and that it is easy to live with me. However, nothing I have done is to the extent that he has, and I am not addicted to anything that has threatened our relationship, or the people around me. Out of helplessness, I have begun documenting his drinking habits, and may do so with the marijuana if it begins posing a problem to anyone besides him. As of now, only a few people know about what occurred in January, and only his sister Sarah knows about me pleading with him to stop buying hard alcohol. I do not want to break up with him. I see a wonderful person in him who I get along with exceedingly well. I still find him attractive, I still get butterflies, I still love him, but I do keep wondering if God is showing me all the signs, and I’ve been ignoring Him.

Post first written: June 2, 2020 Last updated: June 6, 2020

Survey #251

apologies the formatting is fucked up, oof.

How many smurfs can you name? Zero. Have you ever fully eradicated a bad habit that you had? Uhhh maybe? I'm not sure. The radio is playing U2, The Defects, Echo & the Bunnymen, The Pointer Sisters, Staubkind, and Dr. Dre. on different stations. Which band are you most likely to listen to? I only know U2 (and do NOT like them), Dr. Dre, and one song by E&TB; I don't know the others. I guess I'd pick whichever song sounded most appealing. Miracle on 34th Street, original or remake? Never seen it. Have you ever been in a parade? No. Do you turn the bass up all the way in your car (or would you if you had a car) and blast the music? Ew, no. That shit's obnoxious. What keeps you from being happy? I'm quiiiite sad of an adult. I want to feel worth something, do something. If you could go back in time and talk to yourself five years ago what would you say to yourself (You can only stay in the past for FIVE MINUTES so make it COUNT!)? At that time, Jason and I would still be together, so I'd try to nail it into my head that I can't put my happiness entirely in another person's hands and that I have to have faith in myself and my own strength. AND ESPECIALLY to not give up, to keep trying harder every day. Five minutes wouldn't be enough. What websites are addictive to you? I'd go bonkers without YouTube, and I go through Tumblr binges, but then don't go on for a few days. I have to check KM daily, but it's not really an "addictive" thing, but rather the admin instinct of I have to make sure everything is in order. I check Facebook habitually, but only like, once or twice a day. Who do you never want to end up like? It's... sad to say, but in a lot of ways, my mom. Her life's just been super, super unfair. As a person she's mostly lovely, but as far as luck, happiness, and success goes, sometimes it feels like the whole world's against her. What will you never ever do again? Turn another person into my whole entire universe. What’s the most terrible lie someone could tell you? Something regarding Jason, I'm sure. Probably like, he said he never loved me or something. Even knowing that's absolute shit, PTSD is a ride and I'd. Lose my absolute shit and obsess over "well what if he really didn't." What was the last thing that you printed out? Stuff for my Women Writers class. We print out SO much shit there. I feel like I've alone killed at least seven trees by now, and we don't have a choice but to print the readings out. What do you look forward to each day? M a r k/Unus Annus video boiz. What’s the best song to listen to after a break up? "It depends on the context of your breakup." <<<< This. The radio is playing Poison, Inxs, the Psychadelic Furs, Dio, and Matchbox 20 on different stations. What do you listen to? AHHHHHHHHH Poison, my friends. Do you know what it’s like to take care of someone else? Not really, I guess? But yes to a degree: I've babysat twice, and I assume that counts, and then when Jason had bronchitis, I would barely let the dude leave the bed. Would you rather take care of someone or be taken care of? I don't know, I guess it depends on what's wrong? What is the worst 80’s song in your opinion? You're asking someone who loves '80s music. I'm sure there are some pop-ish/more mainstream ones I don't like, but idk off the very top of my head. What song makes you so happy that just want to dance and dance and DANCE? None. What has been your most beautiful magical memorable cloud nine manic ecstatic incredibly happy bouncy air-light moment of this life??? Slow-dancing to "Stairway to Heaven" w/ Jason out in my yard in his headlights the night of prom. It's the reason I absolutely, entirely, 100% cannot listen to the song anymore, no chance. Do you go out of your way for other people? Depends on the person. What’s your favorite short story? I don't know. Have do you feel about beauty pageants? I fucking hate them. It always just feeds the standards of society and makes both women and men hate their bodies. It also puts far too much emphasis on the "importance" of appearance versus personality. What is your favorite DIY related website? I don't do/watch DIY stuff. Do you bruise easily? Very very, but not the ones you usually see clearly. I don't know how my anemia test came back negative. What kind of bread do you like? Pumpernickel is entirely the supreme type, I love potato bread too, I enjoy wheat... Are your air and water as pure as you want them to be? Idk about air, but I'd suppose so; we live in a rural area. Our tap water, I'm positive no. There's some weird shit with our water. The smell is fucking disgusting, like pure iron, but supposedly it's clean... We've had it tested a few times, but there is SOMETHING wrong with it. Would you ever visit an insect zoo? Sure, if they couldn't get on me. Can you enjoy life without stimulants (coffee, cigarettes, drugs, alcohol)? All of those, yes. Does caffeine count? If so, I'm sure I could, but it'd be very hard. How much thought do you put into your dance moves? I don't dance, so like... zero. What is something you want to improve on this year? Just how much I care about others' perceptions of me, mainly over the most trivial of things. If you could, would you want to stay young forever? No, considering I want to die one day. Immortality sounds ew. What is/was your worst subject in school? Mathematics. Are you a sarcastic person? Oh yeah. What role does religion play in your life? A small one. It helps that my religion (or at least the one I relate closest to, Neo-Paganism) doesn't have the most strict doctrine, therefore allowing a lot of wiggle room varying from person to person. Can you sleep with your eyes open? No. In the past week, what song have you listened to the most often? "Broadcast From Beyond the Grave: Death Inc." by Motionless In White. What was the last thing you shared with someone else? I shared some fries with my mom last time we grabbed fast food. While playing video games, do you prefer being first or second player? I don't care, UNLESS I'm showing someone a new game and therefore I know what to click and such to set the game up; in that case, I prefer to be player one. Otherwise, I don't care at all. What is the most difficult word for you to pronounce? HA, currently, my Biology professor's last name. I obviously won't share it, but I always fuck it up. What did you have to do for the last homework you were assigned? I have to watch a movie - The Suffragette - for Women Writers for when I missed it that week I was away from school. What was the last important thing that you thought about? I think if Mom and I really should stock up on food and TP, but to an actually realistic degree. You hear so many different voices on how bad this pandemic is really gonna be. Personally, I think it's an extreme overreaction, but what do I know. I haven't researched. Generally, do you call people, or wait for them to call you? I wait. I hate talking on the phone. Has anyone ever questioned your sanity? I'm sure, including my gd self. I'm 99.99% sure at one point in the breakup's aftermath, I actually was insane by definition. Especially now that I'm mostly recovered, looking back I'm just like... "hun." How many people do you depend on? Just my mom, really, but to a dangerous degree. How many people do you think depend on you? I feel like my mom does, to an extent anyway. I'm the only person who lives with her and I know she loves me, so I'm company for her. Especially now that she has cancer, she's really gonna depend on me during chemo and surgery. What is the worst color combination? Uhhh maybe like. Puke green and brown? Have you ever injured yourself walking around in the dark? Yeah, but nothing severely. At what age did you develop an interest in the opposite [or same] sex? Idk. I was "ew, boys" until I think... late elementary school. Girls, I had my bi crisis in the 8th grade. Then came the denial and shoving into the very back of my skull. I came out as bi though late '17. Are you or members of your family religious? I think my entire family is but me. Well, correction, I have like a mild connection to religion, but definitely not Christianity like the rest. When was the last time you acted like someone you’re not? Good question. It's not something I really bother with anymore. Like, I can curve around things I don't want to share, but I don't fake what I do reveal. When was the last time that you cleaned your room? Actually! I vacuumed and dusted yesterday. Or the day before, not sure. How many hats do you own/wear? Either none or one, in which case it would be a Carolina Hurricanes' cap as a memento I got from one of the hockey games Dad and I went to. Did the last song you listened to hold any special meaning? I actually don't recall what it was. Are you experiencing problems within a current relationship? No. When you’re upset, who do you turn to? Usually Mom. Does winter weather depress you? Noooo! Who was the last person that you called? Me mother. What product was being advertised on the last commercial you saw? I haven't watched TV in forever. When you think about your last relationship, what song comes to mind? "Oh, Pretty Woman" by Van Halen REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Are there any lyrics to describe your current crush/relationship? Eh. Who in your life makes you the most uncomfortable? Probably my sister's husband, really. I don't think he likes me at all. Treats me decently to my face, but I have my reasons to believe so. Do you ever receive comments on your weight? Not unless I'm at the doctor. Occasionally people who know me well comment I've lost weight, but it hasn't really happened lately now that my weight's slightly risen for who the actual fuck knows why. Don't get me started. Is there anything that you do just to make other people happy? Uhhh just for that sole purpose, don't think so. When you need a temporary escape, what do you do? Listen to music or sleep. What was the last lie that you believed in? I don't want to focus on it. What band would you most like to meet? OZZY. LET ME SEE MY DAD. What was the last thing that you wrote down [with a pen/pencil]? Psychology notes. Has anyone told you that you have a nice smile? Yes. Are you uncomfortable with being photographed? YES. How many people have you talked to today? Just Mom. We woke up in the middle of the night to screeching tires outside; someone lost control of their car because dumbasses go lightning speed around this cure we live on. When you go camping, do you sleep in a tent or an RV? Never legitimately been camping. What’s one ridiculous thing that you do? Let anxiety ruin a lot of opportunities. Do you feel that you must wear makeup to be attractive? Ehhh no, depending on your taste. Ever done anything dangerous while driving with someone else in the car? I don’t drive. Name someone you wish you could be closer with? There's a handful of old high school friends/acquaintances I have on Facebook I really wanna rekindle relationships with. I think I especially would like to get to know Courtlynn better. We seem very similar. What’s unique about your city or town? Its name is shared with a town in Tennessee. Are you a momma’s girl/boy? I'm very close to my mom. What is your favorite dance to do? *shrugs* What is your favorite song to sing? I don't really sing along with songs, but I suppose "Disguise" by MiW. It holds meaning to me and I also just love the chorus. Is English your 1st language? Yes. Did your older sibling ever tell you freaky stories that you believed? I DO NOT know why I remember this, but one time she told me that a boy in her class kept saying the same word repeatedly so many times that it became the only word he could say. It scared me, lmao. Where is the biggest scar on your body? I'd assume at the very bottom of my pelvis where I had surgery. I can't actually see it, but cleaning the area let me know it was kinda long. Do you have a yahoo account? No. Is your mom prettier than you? This is such a mean question, tf. What do you think about guys shaving their legs? You shave whatever you want, boo. Are you a violent person? Not at all, if you don't include my insane nightmares/terrors/whatever they qualify as. Those are always violent. Do you like word searches and cross word puzzles? I do. Have you ever gone to a private school? Yes, my college.

I love all your comments about writing and since you seem to like answering questions about writing: I was wondering if you could elaborate on your writing process? How do you start writing? Where do you start? How do you keep focused? How do you decide what to include and what to exclude when you have several ideas for the same story? Or ignore these questions and fill them in yourself with whatever you'd like to share or not! I would love to hear your thoughts, thanks!!

yeah lmao you got me 💀 i really do like talking about writing a lot

seriously, though, i do hope you find these posts useful. i know writing can be so obscure, it’s hard to feel like you’re “doing it right.” i may not have a million dollars or a book deal or anything, but i’m happy to tell you anything you need if it’ll help.

how do you start writing?

i always start with a character. a protagonist, a team member, a love interest. who they are, what their dialogue sounds like, what they look like, what they wear. i’d say it comes from being active in fandoms and making OCs, except that i did it for years before i knew what fandom was. i’ve never really gone “i want to write a story about [X].” it’s always, “i want to make this character. what would their story be about?”

where do you start?

once i had marcus and livia, the first seed of dangerous crowns came from an image of the two of them up late at night. the room was a deep, dark blue. he sat at the edge of the bed, and he told her that some ambiguous war was taking a toll on him. those were the first random bits of dialogue i wrote down, long before i expected it to go anywhere.

and then i got other flashbulb images. the two of them having a garden breakfast, livia riding through a forest, the two of them swearing to overthrow a king. eventually i got an image of them fighting in a throne room. the end scenes tend to hit me early, before i know what to do with them. basically, these moments pop up like nonlinear storyboards, and then i have to jot them down and figure out where they fit. it’s like a jigsaw puzzle. i don’t start at the top corner and go left-to-right, i notch it together based on whatever piece i find next.

i think having a blank page scares a lot of people off, so my goal is to get rid of it as soon as possible. i paste in my usual outline template and start filling it with junk. just anything. setting ideas, scene details, character notes. then i paste in some chapter headers and start blurting out the random dialogue stuff i mentioned earlier. it may not look like much, but at least it’s not empty anymore.

how do you keep focused?

to be honest, with personal work, i’ve just kind of accepted that doing a long writing project is a slow, gentle ride. i’m not, at least so far, one of those writers who can strap in and bang out a rough draft in three weeks. i’ll be busy with other work or get distracted with research, or i’ll spend too long trying to make one passage perfect. i’m sure that’ll have to change when i try to ramp up my career, but for now, doing itty bitty selfpub, it works.

there’s a [paraphrased] quote that really nails the mindset i have about novel-length work: “you have to get comfortable with the idea that you’re going to live with this project for the next year or two.” i’m lucky in that i’ve now finished two of them, so i can just kind of take it on faith that it’ll get done sometime. i’ve done it before. somehow, i’ll figure out how to do it again. not everyone has the luxury of having proved that to themselves.

on the other hand, when i’m writing for voltage, i have to do a certain amount every day to meet deadlines. i can’t put writing off and binge the night before it’s due. i have a concrete ceiling of how much i can do per day. so every morning, i load gdocs and put the forest browser extension on, which i’ve set up to only whitelist google stuff, wikihow, and wikipedia. in general, voltage scripts don’t need a lot of research, so i can chew through my daily quota without falling into social media hell.

how do you decide what to include and what to exclude when you have several ideas for the same story?

god, i wish i had this problem more often than i do. most of the time, i’m lucky if i have one idea for how something should go. it’s tough when i run it by my mother and she says it doesn’t work, because i might have literally no clue how else a scene could play out. either it was a “flashbulb moment” and it’s hard to picture anything else, or it breaks some rule of adulthood that i’m not familiar with. the second one happens a lot. she’ll be like, “um, that character wouldn’t be allowed to do that,” and i’m like, “well, shit. i didn’t know that military/social/etc. protocol.” then we have to talk about how i can restructure it so that it hits the same plot beats without breaking the rules.

on the rare instance that i do have more than one idea, it tends to boil down to survival of the fittest. i’ll leave blank spots and string them all along for a while, and eventually, i’ll see that one is generating more material. like, if i have two different ideas for a character’s backstory, i may notice that one is more symbolically meaningful. if i’m stuck between giving a character two different jobs, i may notice that one job gives them more relevant skills. it sounds mercenary, but long writing projects are already hard enough. i have to pick the one that’s going to make it easier.