Why do I have to ruin everything new. I’m so stupid. I care too much. I care too hard. I just jump head in first. I can’t ever just calm the fuck down. I’m too much. Everyone thinks I’m too much. They’re probably right. I am too fucking much. I say too much. I do too much. I scare everyone I meet away. Why would anyone stay with someone who’s so compulsive and insane? Why would anyone want to be here? Why would anyone want to be with me?

i’m starting a 48 hour fast! any tips?

I've had so much fucking Powerade today.

for someone so “cringe is dead!!!” i sure do feel shame that i have interests

I love it when he strings me along and tells me that he thinks of me when I know he doesn't. When we both know what we should be doing but we don't care. There is no love, only a flicker of desire that is like a lightswitch that flicks on when he smiles at me.

And I know its wrong but I think we both need to admit what we want from eachother, because we both know. He messages me enough to put the peices together, and I have been less then secret with how I feel.

It's messing with my head ughhg.

blindsided by sad and upset I regret most things I did last night but I justify it by protecting a dear friend. Radio silence scares me as it's been a night and a day since we last spoke but, of course, I should blame myself for such a reaction although why leave me out in a time of need. I subject myself to trauma for game and let it happen when all hope was lost, oh misery of mine please help my soul and fate.

9:31

Up at 7am.

Opened windows, made coffee, and got me and the kid dressed.

Now we are outside enjoying the cool morning shade of our new backyard, I'm pulling weeds from the garden beds and she's on the trampoline.

We moved in on mother's day and it was such an emotional day for me.

Not only did we move out of the first ever home I've ever lived in that was 100% mine. But we packed up and moved her nursery, we left behind the tree we planted in the back yard the day we moved in. So many memories in that house were made and now, that's all they are. Memories. Passing thoughts.

I know we will make new memories here, like her up coming birthday party, and having friends just down the road, but. I'll miss that house.

More, I'll miss her baking a baby.

Leaving behind her old room means, she's no longer an infant. Hardly a toddler anymore. No crib, no crawling mats. She weaned herself during our move, mothers day was the last day I ever nursed her. And now... She's eating bigger portions of food and talking more, running, asking questions, sleeping longer during the night, trying to skip naps to keep playing.

It's been an emotional journey. I wouldn't change it for the world.

My anxiety and depression have calmed down a bit sense getting moved in and I'm thankful for that. But I know a storm is coming and I'm battening down the hatches.

My husband and I have been a bit distant and that's mostly my fault. I have a hard time with change and moving took alot out of me, so I've internalized myself and become withdrawn, not asking for help when I desperately need it, refraining from touch even though I crave it.

Seeking solitude, and alone time away from people and things. Looking for a way to shut off my mind.

God damn I could use joint right now.

Sometimes I think the reason they scrapped the original hotel Transylvania dracula design was because they knew that if we got that on the big screen you guys wouldn’t be able to handle yourselves.

Tw: Edit no Sheeran

yesterday my older sister asked me why my hands are so meaty. idk. i thought they looked less fat. i can’t do this anymore. i’m so far gone. i never want to eat again. i am literally repulsed by food. i hate myself. i hate every bit of fat on my body. i know i’ll never be able to love my body whether or not i’m thin or i’m fat. i hate having a body. i want to scratch my skin off. i’m so disgusting. i’m done trying to even eat a decent amount of food. i never want to smell or even look at food again. i’m trying so hard, but no one ever sees me. i just wish someone could love me, that someone could find me beautiful and worthy of something.

oh so it’s okay for you to kiss your friends?? but when i, judas iscariot,

I want to kick and scream and cry

I'm falling into bad habits again and my mental health is not stable enough to pull me out of them.

PT. 1

Alright, self-reflection time because why not? And I need to sort my thoughts anyway. So these past few days, I’ve been pondering over how much money I spent on merch and things that I usually never spend money for. Things I usually find no reason to spend money for because I always deemed it unnecessary. I’ve sat down and calculated my costs of spending (grudgingly so), and it came down to $150. Which is pretty….rough—in my case, anyway. This is excluding shipping, which will probably end up being $50 or something….major oof. (Maybe more because some things are kind of bulky, and I’m purchasing through Buyee.) Now, looking over my expenses, I’ve bought 13 items (including the two that came in yesterday). Out of these 13 items, there are 7 items I do not regret buying at all. These 7 items are the following: Mo Du acrylic stand, No.6 toi8 art book, Jealousy acrylic stand x 2, Jealousy postcards x 2, and Jealousy pouch. No regrets, especially the Mo Du one which was more impulsive, but I’m really glad I bought it. Next is the ‘meh’ tier. Didn’t really need it, but since I bought it, whatever. There’s a scale to this one, starting from “Impulsive decision, but I’ll manage.” to “Should have thought thrice before buying this, but since I have it…I guess, it’s okay?” There’s 5 items on this one: JJK hook figures, Geto plushie, Requiem of the Rose King art book, Tetsugaku Letra file folder, and Doukyusei art book. TBH, the order might change in the future, but as of right now, this is how it is. Aside from Doukyusei and two volumes of Tetsugaku Letra, I haven’t read or watched any of the rest. Yeah. Not the best financial decision I’ve made. I actually never thought of really watching JJK either (maybe eventually, but it never was a priority), but now I guess I have to at some point. I like Doukyusei, but I’m not in love with it like I once was, so this purchase was mainly for nostalgia? IDK. The last tier is: I regret. And that’s the RRK LE vol.7 CD. Why? Whhyy?? Pointless. Should’ve let it sit in the cart before buying, but of course I had to order it immediately. Because if I don’t, my relatives would die, and my grades would collapse!

I love you messy artstyle i love you visible brush strokes I love you textures and rough edges I love you imperfections I love you roughness and colour blobs I love you scratchy sketches and bold stylisation and dirt and imperfections I love you ugly and raw emotion!!!!! ❤️