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the-shiniest-plant · 3 years

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OC Interview: Fionnuala

Draw (or use an old drawing, don’t worry!) or take a screen of your character in an interview setting and make them answer the following questions!

(I was tagged by @uselessidiotsquad and @thoseofuswhoblossom! Hi, guys!)

Introduction

Can you introduce yourself?

- Hi! I’m Fionnuala, Nuala to friends, family, and anyone who finds my name difficult to pronounce. I’m a member of the Crystal Bloom, one of Aurene’s Champions, former Slayer of the Order of Whispers, former Warden, and Maker of Friends! Nice to meet you all!

What is your Gender Identity, Orientation, and Relationship Status?

- Cisgender Female, Panromantic Demisexual, and Single. Turns out not a lot of people want to date someone who’s dragon-branded… which I can understand.

When and where were you born?

- I was born in the Grove about…. Five minutes after midnight… sometime in the Season of the Phoenix, in… 1310! Yeah, that’s about right. I can’t remember what day, but the day doesn’t really matter to Sylvari more than the time of day, so… I guess it makes sense. Does that answer your question well enough? Yes? Good! What’s next?

What is your weapon of choice and fighting style?

- I fight with two longswords - one in each hand - and though I’m heavily armored I can and prefer to jump in and out of the Dream like most Revenants do the Mists in order to get the drop on my foes. I do use hammers from time to time when I need to hit something far away that I can’t get to. Though, most of all, I like to use the magic of Aurene to lend support to my allies in battle - regeneration, strength, cunning… though I can’t do that too much or it wears me out. Still makes me happy knowing my allies may have survived because of these gifts.

Lastly, are you happy?

- Well, I’m as happy as my current life situation allows me to be. I know I could be happier, if I had different circumstances, but right now I feel like I’m… content at the very least - my brother is safe, my Mother is getting healthier by the day, and I’m always willing to answer Aurene’s call to service. I’m a bit lonely, in all honesty, when apart from my friends in Rurikton, but for now I’m okay with that - I figure when the right person for me comes along, I won’t be so lonely anymore.

Family and Friends

What’s your family like? What is your relationship with them?

- I have a pod-brother, Sitheach! He’s a wonderful person, and I love him dearly. We’re very close, and we write to one another all the time when he’s on missions for the Pale Reavers, just to keep each other posted on current situations. He’s been home for a bit now, which is a blessing. His boyfriend misses him terribly when he’s away so seeing them back together warms my sparkly little heart!

Have you ever run away from home?

- Nope! I’ve been called everywhere I’ve been, so technically I haven’t “run away” from anything.

Would you consider marriage or having children?

- Well, marriage is a foreign concept to Sylvari, as is childbirth, but I would absolutely love a partner, and would certainly adopt orphaned children of other races if my partner was also okay with raising them, as I highly doubt with my duties as a Champion of Aurene would allow me to effectively raise a child alone. I like to think I’d be a good mother, though.

Do you secretly hate one of your friends?

- Pfffft, what kind of a question is that!? Why on Tyria would you call someone a friend if you secretly hated them? How silly!

Which friend knows everything about you?

- The only people on Tyria that know all about me are my brother, and my best friend Elspeth. That being said, I’m rather open to questions so if you see me in public and want to know more about a specific sliver of my life, just ask! I’ll do my best to answer.

Asked by Fans

Are you literate? Have you been to school?

- I can definitely read and write, as most if not all Sylvari can do that from emergence, and… does the Dream count as schooling? I know learning from Mentors does, but I feel like I learned more from the Dream than I ever did from my mentor - sorry, Maeryn, but it’s true!

What’s the eeriest prediction you made that later came true?

- I don’t think I’ve made any predictions like that, it’d be handy if I could, though… I wish I could’ve predicted the attack on the Grove during the World Summit… if we were prepared… maybe, just maybe Mother wouldn’t have been so grievously injured…

What is something that you were embarrassingly late in realizing?

- I partially understood how the other races weren’t born from pods, but what I didn’t know was the process of mammalian conception and live birth, until a kind Asura explained it to me during a stay in Divinity’s Reach. Hi, Quizz! Hope you’re well!

Do you have mental health or physical issues?

- Hoo boy, where to start… Anxiety and a bit of depression, mostly. Not being on the scene in time to help defend mother during the Shadow of Mordremoth’s attack… it really hit my self-esteem, so now, whenever I’m too late to save an innocent life, it… it haunts me for days…

What is your current main goal?

- My current goal is to protect the people of Tyria and help them in whatever way I can. It may or may not be a compulsion that I get from being Branded, but I’d likely do that anyway without the compulsion, so it works out.

Choices

Drinks or food?

- Drinks! Nothing like a good glass of Nectar after a long day of doing good things!

Cats or dogs?

- Dogs. Sylvan hounds. Specifically the puppies... I need to visit Danador’s Kennel again!

Early bird or night owl?

- Definitely a Night Owl! Which makes sense because of my Cycle. I thrive in the Evenings!

Optimist or Pessimist?

- My friends have never known me to be anything but optimistic in all my endeavors, and I certainly don’t plan to stop now!

Sassy or Sarcastic?

- Ooh, hard choice… they both have their merits… can I say “both”? Is that okay? I honestly can’t choose with this one!

Have you ever…

Been caught sneaking out?

- Of a Nightmare Camp? Yes. On several occasions, actually. I got a lot better at not being caught after I joined the Order of Whispers. Mostly because I didn’t have Ellie to help distract my foes so I could make an escape, if I was caught. Which I wasn’t! Not after Whispers.

Broken a bone?

- Never! Not even during Dragonstorm! Rather lucky on that front, my Priory friend lost her whole arm! Hi, Vledda!

Received flowers?

- No. Grown several myself, though.

Ghosted someone?

- Like, turned them into a ghost? Probably several people.

Pretended to laugh at a joke you didn’t get?

- Oh, plenty, when I was a sapling. I understood humor more and more as I kept living.

And there you have it! I tag @moonlit-grove again because I want Sitheach Lore, dang it!

#gw2 #guild wars 2 #guild wars 2 ask meme #Fionnuala #guild wars 2 oc #i love her #my baby #precious bloom #interview meme

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beholdme · 3 years

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All the Many Shades of Gerry - Chapter 3

Chapters: 3/19

Fandom: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Gerard Keay/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Martin Blackwood/Gerard Keay, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Gerard Keay/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist

Characters: Martin Blackwood, Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Gerard Keay, Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), Sasha James, Gertrude Robinson, Elias Bouchard

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Library AU, Librarian Jon, Artist Gerry, Trans Male Character, Trans Martin Blackwood, Canon Asexual Character, Asexual Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Ace Subtype - Sex Positive, Polyamory, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Romantic Fluff, Falling In Love, Boys in Skirts, Kissing, Demisexual Gerard Keay, Minor Character Death, Past Character Death, Canon-Typical Child Neglect, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Flirting, Minor Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist/Tim Stoker, Adventures in Hair Dying, Happy Ending, Banter, Gerry has a lot of sass, Gerard Keay is Morticia Adams, Jon is a very grumpy Librarian, Martin adores them anyway.

Summary: In which Gerry is a kaleidoscope and Jon and Martin can't help falling in love with him.

He happens to love them back.

Find it on Ao3

[1] [2]

In the following weeks, as he sees Jon a few more times, Gerry's hair fades out and he looks rather more 'forest nymph' than 'American Gothic'.

So it's not much of a shock when the next time Jon catches sight of Gerry striding through the library stacks, his hair has been re-coloured. This time it's a smooth buttery yellow and Jon is struck by how young the warm, bright colour makes him look.

Gerry doesn't feel young though, he feels tired and bored and wrung out, and he wishes he had never agreed to take art commissions.

"It's only the one time!" Gertrude had insisted to a very put upon Gerry, very early in the morning. "And if he puts in a good word for you in his circles, your name will really be on the map in the art world."

Gerry wasn't particularly interested in being put on any maps, or being picked apart by rich, stuck up strangers, but he had agreed to try, mostly because Gertrude had put a lot of effort into making his passion for art an actual career and he felt like he owed her.

(He forgets, frequently, just how much of a commission she takes on the sales of his paintings).

So there he was, striding around the library at 7 am and desperately looking for exactly the right reference book. Unfortunately, it has been out of print for years, and Gerry can't seem to find a copy anywhere that won't cost him half a liver. He has the money now, but he refuses to pay half a month's rent to a second-hand retailer on principle.

Jon watches him skulk around for so long, (apparently forgetting that he is, in fact, a librarian) that Sasha comes out from her desk to ask Gerry if he's looking for something specific. She's wearing her big round glasses today and even indulged herself in her favorite waistcoat to beat the Monday blues.

"Why, yes." At this, Gerry looks directly up at Jon, where he is standing and watching him from the upper balcony level. Jon's face burns, and he ducks out of sight, but not earshot. "I do actually come here to borrow books, not boys." And he smartly feeds her the name of the reference book he has been hunting for almost an hour.

Sasha giggles at his antics, "We do have a copy of that, actually, but it's very popular. There's a waitlist; also it's checked out right now."

Gerry's whole demeanor sags and he sighs in defeat. "Guess I really will just have to order it off the internet, then." He eyes the stacks of books, old and new, looking vaguely betrayed.

"No!" Sasha's exclamation takes everyone a bit aback, being that they are in a library and all. "You know, my mate has this sweet little bookstore, and he loves hunting down rare copies of older books, he might have a copy?" She wrings her hands, eyebrows raised in question.

Gerry beams down at her, causing even stoic Sasha to blush and scurry off to get a piece of paper for the address.

They're already most of the way to the front desk by the time Jon realizes just which bookstore Sasha is busy recommending to the man he is dating , and just who owns that particular establishment.

By the time he manages to get downstairs to try to deflect the situation, Gerry is out the door, nothing left but the faint scent of oil paints and leather from his jacket.

***

Tim Stoker leaves Gerry feeling faintly dazed. By the time he stumbles out of the bookstore and into the tea room, elusive book in hand, he's forgotten everything he has ever known in the face of such intense flirting. And Gerry thought he was bad.

Throughout the whole episode at the library, the walk through Chelsea, and the exchange with Tim, Gerry had never once taken a moment to consider that Sasha's friend with a bookstore and Jon's Martin with a bookstore might be the same person.

He chooses to blame the lack of sleep and general disarray that is his life for the oversight.

Which is how, 9:30 in the morning, having been awake for almost 24 hours and completely finished, Gerry walks up to Martin in his tea room and says, "I'll have whatever is pink and in that jug, please. The biggest you've got."

Martin, of course, recognized him immediately. He would have recognized Jon's gothic childhood boyfriend from his social media stalking alone, but Jon's frantic texting was also a pretty big giveaway.

Martin: Relax, I don't bite clients this early in the morning. He's in safe hands with me.

Jon: HE KNOWS THINGS ABOUT ME. Besides, who's gonna stop him from biting you?

Martin: Whatever he has to tell me can’t possibly be worse than the office gossip I heard about you before we even meet.

Jon: W H A T

Now, here Gerry is before him, and he’s quite pleased with what he sees. Even tired and vaguely dazed, his presence in the little room carries a certain energy that Martin enjoys.

"Right away. Take a seat and I'll call you with it." Martin's voice is sweet, but gentle and firm, in a comforting sort of way. Through Gerry's sleepy haze, the instruction makes perfect sense, although he has neither paid nor offered a call name.

Gerry considers taking a seat on the plush bench that occupies one wall, before deciding that he desperately needs a cigarette, and wandering outside.

Technically he is only supposed to smoke at night when he's painting and needs just the right kind of boost, but he decides to call this one since he's on a painting-based errand when he's supposed to be sleeping.

"Gerry?" He turns toward the sound of his name, to find the barista offering him a large to-go cup of what he assumes is fruit ice tea. He frowns at having his name known (his new, much-preferred name, no less) and then frowns at a blonde, bespectacled man in a tea room attached to a bookstore.

His brain finally takes a moment to function, and he puts all the pieces together in an avalanche.

"Martin?" Far from his usual self-confident tone, the single word comes out in a squeak that would make even a toddler wince.

"Yes?" Martin returns the single word in the same solidly reassuring way, and even offers a happy smile.

"I didn't... I didn't recognize you."

"Would be pretty hard for you, considering this is the first we've ever met." Martin's voice is calming in a way that eases Gerry a bit, teasing and all.

"Thank you. For the tea, I mean." Gerry closes his eyes and desperately begs his shit to pull together for him, just this one time. "It's nice to finally meet you."

His hands are fully occupied with a book, a cup of tea, and a cigarette, but Martin doesn't seem particularly bothered by the lack of a hand to shake. "It's nice to meet you too. We're giving Jon a heart attack by doing it without him."

"That is the lawful good," Gerry says, after a long drag of his smoke. "A panicked Jon is a happy Jon, after all. Whatever would he do with himself without a situation to unnecessarily complicate?"

"Yes, the man does seem to thrive on anxiety, doesn't he?" Martin asks warmly, eyes crinkling around a fond smile. "Speaking of, you seem pretty wrecked yourself. Good party, I hope."

Gerry's answering laugh has a razor edge, "Not hardly. This fucking painting I'm working on will be the death of me." Gerry lifts the reference book as proof of trauma and stabs out his cigarette viciously.

"Hmm, sounds like a pain. I hope you typically find art a more enjoyable career?" Martin asks, tilting his head inquisitively. His curly hair moves fetchingly and Gerry catches himself tracking the movement.

"Mostly, yes. Although I keep the bartending gig for variety. You'd be amazed at the sort of inspiration someone can find in the right drunk crowd." Gerry grins, thinking of all the ridiculous things he’d seen walk in and out of the bar in his run there.

"I'd be very interested to see what kind of art you can turn that into. Maybe you'd like to show me sometime?" Martin's words are open and friendly.

Gerry eyes him for a minute, hiding behind a long taste of his drink. He's trying to suss out Martin's motivations, for his kindness and general geniality. The drink is good and it tips Gerry's mood far enough back into cheerfulness that he shrugs off his considerations for the time being.

"You know what," Gerry quips back. "I think I would like to show you sometime. How 'bout tonight."

It's not a question really, with Gerry's typical force of personality behind it, and he leaves the shop with Martin holding an address in his hand and a time to drag Jon over for dinner that evening.

***

Gerry does not make a big deal of Martin coming over. He acts as if any other friend is coming over for dinner.

He tidies, a little. Lights a few candles. Wears pants. The bare minimum really.

He isn't trying to impress anyone, he tells himself sternly.

Except he is, obviously. He doesn't know Martin very well yet, but he does want to keep Jon around, and they are a packaged deal these days. Which he was happy with, truly.

In their limited interaction, Martin had been sweet and put Gerry instantly at ease. He knows, from many years of working a bar, how to spot a dipshit, and feels confident in his assessment of Martin's character.

But, it's his own character that concerns him. People don't always like Gerry past surface interactions. He can be tempestuous and moody, and catching him tired is a pretty bad idea. The combination of artist and mommy issues can be jarring.

He desperately wants those things to not bother Martin though. He wants Martin to like him, and he's not interested in putting on a show to make it happen.

It occurs to Gerry an hour before they're due that he doesn't even remotely know what takeout to order for dinner.

(He knows what Jon will eat, and he obviously knows what he likes, but what about Martin? Why didn't he ask this morning? Why didn't he ask Jon earlier?)

Gerry is just starting to really panic about all the life choices leading up to this moment, when he gets a text from an unknown number, instantly filling him with relief.

Martin: Since you're hosting this time, I'll grab the take-out. Jon says you like Thai, I'll bring that. You got the drinks covered?

Gerry: As long as you drink either coffee, vodka, or water, yes.

Martin: I'm sorry, I subsist only on the blood of virgins.

Gerry: Oh dear. I couldn't tempt you to settle for Earl Grey?

Martin: Hmmm, yes, I'll accept your offerings this time.

***

The first knock comes right on time. Gerry, dressed in his best paint-stained jeans and cherry blossom kimono, opens the door with a flourish.

Martin allows himself to be welcomed in and hands the food off to the dramatic artist, who deposits it on the table where he has already set the tea tray.

"No Jon? Not that I mind quality ‘us’ time, of course."

Martin is busy taking in the rambling studio space and barely spares the attention to respond, although he manages a blush at the flirty tone. "He's, uh, running late. Work stuff. You know Jon."

Gerry smirks at that. "I do indeed. Is it a 'stumble in at 3am' late, or 'we could probably wait to eat' late?"

"Hmmm? Oh, let's wait a bit? If you don't mind." Martin seems equally taken with his painting wall and his book wall and keeps trading his attention between the two. The paintings, being the larger attraction, eventually win, and he meanders over to study them closer.

"Do you keep all the completed paintings around?" His voice is soft and reverent, and Gerry feels a rush of pride for his work.

"For a while. I like to make sure they're in their final forms before I release them into the wild." Martin blinks big brown eyes at him, before grinning and giggling slightly.

"You're very talented. Jon said as much, showed me the pictures, but words and photos are nothing compared to seeing the real thing." Martin really regards his paintings as if they're special, and rather than the prickly feeling of appraisal he feels during gallery nights, it fills Gerry with warmth.

He turns to examine the wall himself. It's filled with an eclectic group at the moment. Large abstracts made by pouring paint and then layering designs over, three-dimensional pieces painted and then embroidered or quilled over in select places, including a particularly wild eye design. Surreal faces and scenes that seem realistic except for the wild subject matter of planets in meadows and chimeras going to battle.

"Is this what comes from your adventures in bartending?" Martin asks Gerry, turning from the wall and towards the slightly taller man.

"That, and my traumatic childhood." Gerry makes sure to laugh at the last, taking the edge off the small confession.

"Obviously." Martin offers.

"Obviously." Gerry accepts.

***

Gerry and Martin drink tea on the floor while they wait for Jon. Gerry gently prods Martin through the story of how he came to open the bookstore. The blonde man even softly confessing that he had to lie on his CV to get the librarian gig at Magnus.

"How old are you? How did you convince them you had a Master's degree?" Gerry is incredulous. Not that he doesn't think Martin could have an advanced degree. But in paranormal research? Gerry hadn't even known that was an option.

"That's the thing! I'm only 29 now . I worked there for five years!" Martin's voice pitches up in disbelief. "I'm still in shock that anyone ever brought it. Desperate times, desperate measures, you know?"

"I do, actually." Gerry shifts slightly, adjusting his balance with the long remembered urge to flee from those desperate times. He fiddles with his teacup to distract himself. He brought this particular set from a pawn shop because the filigree and florals appealed to his love of colour theory. Soft pinks and corals warm against the cool aqua background.

"Jon says you wanted to go to art school when you two were younger."

It's not a question, but merely Martin offering the same space for openness that Gerry had given him.

"I never went. After my A-levels, I had to get away, and I never really stopped moving for long enough to go to uni when I was younger. Now I'm settled and it's not important to me anymore. Besides, no one asks for a copy of my phantom degree when I sell a painting. So I'm happy with how things turned out for the most part." He stops to consider the outline of a possible past for a moment, one where he didn't have to skip college and go ten years without seeing Jon. "Besides, can you imagine a 27-year-old in art school? The young ones would sacrifice me for more creative talent."

Their eyes meet for a moment, and then they laugh easily and move on to different topics, sliding through the easy stages of getting to know each other.

***

Jon does eventually arrive, looking panicked and harried. He de-ages 10 years when he finds them laughing and relaxed instead of tense and awkward.

So, the three of them eat cold Thai take out on the floor of Gerry's loft, leaning against the perfectly good couch. They share the odd intimacy of people who have known each other for very disjointed amounts of time but like each other just the same.

#the magnus archives #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #gerry keay #jongerrymartin #tma #fic #also on ao3

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aloisofmissouri · 3 years

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A Journal Entry

July 20th, 2021

11:44pm

Trigger Warning:

Sexual Assault, Self Harm,Mental Health, physical health, and occasional swears.

Dear Reader,

I’m only eighteen but I have experienced a lot, and so have many other teens I know. I know at least four of my classmates have been raped at some point in their life. And who knows what others may have been through and I never knew.

But I’m not writing to share their story, unless they decide that they want their story told. As of now, I am writing to share my story.

So, let's start with my earliest memory.

My earliest memory is watching Elmo and Little Bear from my crib in the living room when I was probably a toddler. I don’t remember much, other than enjoying the cartoons. It was happy and innocent. One of the few childhood memories I can look back on and smile.

I was really young when I was first raped. First raped, you caught that part, right? Yeah, I wasn’t raped just once, but multiple times by one man. The man I had grown up calling my father. The man on my birth certificate. I’m not exactly how old I was when it started, but if I had to guess, I was probably in the first or second grade when it went past the occasional groping and lewd comments.

Near the end of third grade, my mother decided to take me and my sibling to live with our grandmother. But that didn’t last long.

We ended up moving back in with our mother and abusive father when I was in fifth grade. I didn’t want to but my father manipulated me into doing so. He threatened to place a restraining order on my grandmother when I wanted to stay with her.

Things were miserable and the abuse continued. But luckily I was able to go back to my grandmother by sixth grade. But I still had to deal with what happened.

I believe my grandmother meant well, but she use to tell me not to let people know what had happened to me. She said that no one would want to be with someone who was raped because a lot of people view them as used or damaged goods basically.

My grandmother was a bit emotionally damaging, though I know she more than likely didn’t know that she was being so. I have reason to believe that she has dementia and possibly a personality disorder.

I remember her saying that I shouldn’t wear plaid or spotted clothing because it would make me look bigger than the broad side of a barn. She also told me to stay away from bright colors because they would have the same effect. I refused to stay away from plaid though, I kept that jacket from middle school until junior year when I could no longer zip it. But it took me a long time to wear bright colors, and it is still hard. I also have a hard time feeling comfortable in my own skin, and not just because of the occasional comment about my weight from my grandmother, but also because of the abuse I had dealt with from my father. I spent the majority of school always wearing jeans, jackets, and dark clothing. I didn’t feel comfortable wearing shorts. And I’m still getting used to wearing them.

I had to go to court in middle school. Someone had apparently turned my father in for what he had done to me (I was living with my grandmother again by then) and we still do not know who reported them. I wish I could thank whoever turned him in.

Sadly, they only gave him three years despite the evidence. And he was only going to have to serve one and a half years because of the amount of time spent in a jail cell waiting for court that kept getting rescheduled. He died of stage four lung cancer though before he was half way through his time.

My freshman year I finally realised I had anxiety and that there was something definitely wrong with me mentally. By my sophomore year, I was self harming and in counselling and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, OCD, and Anxiety. By junior year I was on a lot of medication thanks to a pill happy psychiatrist. And I was miserable. But thankfully, I found a new psychiatrist who quickly helped me get cut down to just one pill. Near the end of junior year, I quit self harming. And I also finally started to get a bit of control over my mania and my depression.

I have a Google Doc somewhere that has over 150 pages of poetry, and the majority of it is about depression, trauma, and anger. And they were all written during middle school and highschool. Writing poetry helped me then. Now, I don’t really write poetry anymore. I have only written a handful of poems within the last year. And they were mostly in Shakespearean English because I thought it would be fun.

I believe I might have religious anxiety. I don’t remember the technical term though. I grew up going to Baptist Churches and had a heavy christian influence. But sadly, Christians aren’t quite as christian as they are supposed to be.

Due to being constantly worried about sinning and about being too filthy and being damned to hell, my depression and anxiety got to me from a different angle. I kept breaking up with everyone I dated if I feared we were getting too close. I would either feel like I wasn’t good enough or I would fear that we would have sex and I would be damned. I also hated myself for my sexuality, though it took me a long time to figure that out. I supported my LGBTA+ friends but when it came to myself, I couldn’t accept myself.

When I self harmed, I would do it because I felt filthy and had this urge to scratch my skin off my body because I never felt clean. I never hurt myself too severely, just scratches and shallow cuts on my wrist and my thigh. But I still found it hard to quit. It became far too easy to always turn to the blade, regardless of if I was feeling filthy or if I was dissociating or if I was having a panic attack.

Despite what had happened to me, I’m finally starting to become me. Even though I am still discovering who I am. I quite self harming, I don’t have quite as many panic attacks or nightmares, I lost my virginity, learned I am demisexual (leaning a bit towards asexuality though) Panromantic and Nonbinary. I also discovered I have some other health issues outside of my mental health. I am apparently allergic to alphagall, peanuts, and wheat. Thankfully I just get slightly sick if I eat those things though, but it is still a bit annoying when those things are basically in everything you like to eat.

I also found out that the reason my menstrual cycle has always been so irregular is because I have cysts. Originally I thought I had PCOS but now after some ultrasounds, it is looking like Endometriosis. I have cysts on my uterus and my ovaries. The doctor told me that my insurance should cover the surgery if I were to get a total hysterectomy.

I never really wanted to give birth so that part of this doesn’t bother me, my fear is that there will be issues from the surgery. And it has also spurred some identity issues. But so far, I am sticking to they/them pronouns. Even though my family still calls me she/her. But I haven’t really come out to them. They know I’m not 100% straight, but who wants to sit down and explain to their grandmother (who dropped out of school in eight grade to care for her grandma, has a flip phone, and just a few years ago decided to accept the lgbt+ part of her family) that I’m nonbinary? I barely manage to explain to my mother (highschool dropout because of pregnancy, has a touch screen phone and understand some things of the current century) that there is more than just straight, gay, and bisexual. I explained to my mother the other day what omnigender and nonbinary is. Had to explain transgender to my mother when I was a junior and introduced her to a friend of mine who was afab but went by he/him pronouns.

I suppose that despite all the shit I’ve been through, at least my mother doesn’t give two flying fucks who I like. When I told her that I thought I was pansexual in middle school, all she did was ask me what that meant. Then she just nodded her head and went with it. Same thing when I decided I was Wiccan in middle school. She even bought me a pentacle necklace and every book (mostly fantasy) that mentioned witches. I no longer identify as Wiccan, I mostly just stick to animist. But my point being, my mother didn’t throw a fit when two of her nine kids came out as gay. Even if she does identify as a Saturday Adventist, she supports us. She even listens to me ramble about mistranslated things in the Bible and my views on theology. And my rants about Supernatural. Though she did laugh when I spent about an hour crying after the Supernatural second to last episode of season 15. She did listen to me rant about Castiel and the plot lines and everything. Though I had to keep explaining some of the characters to her.

Despite the things I’ve been through, I managed to graduate high school, survive my severe depression and anxiety, and now I am thinking about possibly applying for Law school and going to college. And I now also have the confidence to do what I want and wear what I want. Though I still feel all nervous about asking out a girl I’ve been friends with for about three or more years. I’ve now made the excuse to wait and see if she mentions not being completely straight. Oh, and she now has a boyfriend too so yeah, gonna have to wait a bit.

Until next time,

Alois 🐧

#mentalhealth #metoo #abuse #journal #lgbtq #i swear #trauma #my life #moving forward #heath #depression

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chaotic-neutral-toga · 4 years

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i’ve spent the entire time since my last post on this and holy fuck i want to fall into a coma

um okay i just thought up a zodiac based story plot thing and uyvbuhyb

okay so there’s this god-like thing but not exactly gods, i guess the “souls” of concepts, maybe?? so like those ones are infinite, not really but like they are, it’s confusing on purpose, but the zodiac are one of a kind each, Thing is they’re kinda destructive. Some do it because they can/want to, some do it because they don’t understand what’s wrong with it (they weren’t really ‘disciplined” or “taught”, so morality is kinda lost on them), and some are more kind, but still dangerous. In classic story fashion, they get sent down to the human world to become accustomed to morals, ethics, and just having a more grounded life. anyway characters

Pisces is autistic (yes im projecting a little) and destruction was the her way of stimming (other than snuggling in a hug with someone). When she gets to Earth, she does things that are “weird” to humans, since out of all of the zodiacs, she has the hardest time grasping the concept of the human world besides stuff she already knew(water and other stuff her sign rules). She’s fairly kind and compassionate, but has no tolerance for liars or anyone that gets on her bad side, which is a side even Aries sweats over. She likes puns (once they’re explained to her), and never understands innuendos or dirty jokes unless they’re really obvious. [Colors for her design: Mauve, Lilac, Violet, Sea Green. Closest Relationships: Virgo and Taurus. Human Name: Clementine.] Panromantic Demisexual

Aries is a bit reckless/destructive, to the point of idiotic sometimes, but he really does have the best intentions with most things he does. You can’t really blame someone for not knowing what they shouldn't do when they were never taught they had limits or boundaries that could be pushed. He can be bossy at times, but it’s usually because he knows his fellow Zodiacs well, and he can tell when they need someone to tell them what to do before they end up arguing over different ideas. Fire is the element he rules over, therefore it was one of the few human concepts he knew, so he took a quick liking to smores; it’s a sweet thing made over fire, what’s not to love? When he’s not riled up over something, he’s just a really passionate and affectionate friend. He identifies as an Androgynous Trigender, sometimes feeling like a boy, sometimes a girl, and sometimes agender, while preferring to use he/him pronouns. [Colors for his design: Red why the fuck does he only get 1 color wtf is this inequality. Closest Relationships: Libra and Leo. Human Name: Everett.] Aromantic Asexual(will kiss the homies uwu)

Taurus is pretty calm, but they can and will destroy you(verbally). They speak their mind and try their best to be honest, even if the truth is painful or undesirable. When dealing with problems, he keeps a straight face(facade or not), but lets his emotions out when it’s over (aka pouting as Cancer give them calming head pats). Because they’re one of the only ones who took to cooking (and one of the quickest to become relatively easily-adjusted to Earth), at times, they tend to be in a sort of parental role when interacting with the others. They can get frustrated with too much stress (aka more calming head pats), but they can usually work through it well enough. When it comes to love, he becomes flustered surprisingly easy, though this is technically hypothetical, as they haven’t encountered any romantic situations yet. Upon coming to Earth, Taurus discovered he’s allergic to reptiles, especially snakes, which makes his friendship with Scorpio, who will not give up his precious boop noodle, a bit rocky. He uses he/they pronouns. [Colors for his design: Green, Pink. Closest Relationships: Scorpio and Cancer. Human Name: Beau, pronounced Bo.] Gay

Gemini was probably the most optimistic of the bunch when they were first sent to Earth; she isn’t reckless, but she does live for the thrill. She has fun watching drama as long as it’s just harmless bickering, and she’ll stop any serious fights. She's a bit slow at reading the air sometimes, which is one of the few things that make her feel insecure. Even if she comes off as prideful or uncaring, she truly does treasure all her friends, and would move mountains for them. She is an ADHD Lesbian, so she has the awful pun of GA(Y)DHD. [Colors for her design: Light-Green, Yellow. Closest Relationships: Sagittarius and Aquarius. Human Name: Mikaela.] Lesbian

Virgo has a somewhat obvious crush on Pisces- not everyone knows, but it’s not rocket science for the observant ones- and Pisces thinks he’s just being a really great friend.(Virgo: I am stoic and distant and won’t open my heart to anyone. Pisces: Hi! Virgo: FUCK-). It’s easy for him to stress or obsess over something, and not give himself any room for imperfection. He’s one of the less outwardly destructive zodiacs, but internally, he tries to do too much and puts too much pressure on himself, which is never a good thing to do. Sometimes due to stress, he’ll isolate himself for a bit, but he gets very touch-starved very easily.. which makes it even more confusing how the snugly Pisces doesn't notice his feelings. [Colors for his design: Grey, Beige, Pale-Yellow. Closest Relationships: Pisces and Cancer. Human Name: Ezra.] get em boys, we found a Hetero

Libra is a quiet one, usually collecting information from afar before interjecting. He likes being helpful since he’s aware that he sometimes overthinks interaction. Asking him questions can be confusing, as he usually answers with simple “yes”’s and “no”’s. He enjoys reading fairytales; no real reason, he just likes them. He has Sensory Processing Disorder, which simultaneously makes him the dad and the baby of the group. [Colors for his design: Pink, Green. Closest Relationships: Aries and Sagittarius. Human Name: Libra, which is luckily an actual greek name.] Bi

Leo is a rowdy girl to say the least. She’s loves just horsing around with her friends, usually in the manner of play-fighting and tackle hugs. If you didn’t guess, she’s one of the more destructive Zodiacs, even on Earth. She denies ever doing things when confronted, though it doesn’t work most of the time (”Whaaat, I didn’t break that vase, that was Aries, right bro?” “Hey, don’t pin this on me!” “BRO-”). She is extremely loyal to the people she cares for, which could cross into naivety if she chose the wrong person as her friend. While she definitely isn't the motherly type, if one of her friends really needs to be comforted, she’ll sit them on her lap and stroke their head(she stronk owo). Though normally upbeat, she becomes somber in grim-looking situations, to the point of pessimistic. [Colors for her design: Gold, Yellow, Orange. Closest Relationships: Aquarius and Gemini. Human Name: Amaterasu.] Demiromantic Asexual

Scorpio has a pet boop noodle(baby ball python) that he almost stole before Taurus payed for it, which is when they discovered Taurus is allergic. They’re an overall cold and distant person, but they’re not completely shut-off; they just have a hard time warming up to people. Because of this, he holds grudges for a long time when his carefully-placed trust is betrayed. He seems to sometimes just appear and disappear during discussions with anyone noticing until he suddenly speaks up or they want to talk to him(spoiler alert: he’s just quiet). He’s very cute and peaceful when sleeping. [Colors for his design: Scarlet, Red, Rust. Closest Relationships: Taurus and Cancer. Human Name: Phoenix.] Arospike Aceflux

Cancer is very much a big sister to most, if not all, the Zodiacs. She has a caring air about her and can adjust to suit the boundaries of her friends. She herself is quite sensitive- though no one’s ever seen her like that- and she never wants her friends to feel that way. Besides that, she takes great interest in human pleasantries, such as sweet food, cameras, and lullabies. While she prefers to be the mediator during fights, if someone, say, insulted her friend and wouldn’t back off, she would lash back with a stone cold fury; the shock value alone gives her an advantage in those situations. [Colors for her design: White again with only one color wtf im adding my own, Pale-Orange, Various Yellows. Closest Relationships: Capricorn and Taurus. Human Name: June.] Questioning Asexual

Sagittarius is one of those aggressively positive people, saying what they want with no filter. They don’t take any shit from anyone, no matter who they are. She’s very free-spirited, but she’s not unguided; she knows what she wants and when she wants it. She’s never really hurt by anything, brushing and laughing things off almost immediately. She can get quite impatient, to the point of childishly whining. I’d bet 50 bucks that she was the first Zodiac to “discover” alcohol. [Colors for her design: Blue, Deep Purples, Browns. Closest Relationships: Gemini and Aries. Human Name: Nova.] Butch Grey-Aromantic Homosexual/Femmesexual

Aquarius is an analytical and selfless individual. They approach solutions to situations practically and objectively, even if their heart tells them otherwise. They keep their emotions bottled up most of the time, and if they’re doing something, there’s a high chance they’re doing it for someone else. Before, that was okay, since it was just the Zodiacs; but on Earth, it makes her a bit of a doormat. She’s one of the more morally-misguided Zodiacs, and she can’t really identify when something is criminal. She has a hard time remembering that she can’t say things like “human pleasantries” or call people insignificant compared to herself. They like being alone a lot, but they’re not antisocial. [Colors for her design: Light-Blue, Silver. Closest Relationships: Leo and Sagittarius. Human Name: Aqua no she did not try.] Aromantic Asexual(will not kiss the homies u~u)

Capricorn is pretty much “i’m surrounded by idiots”, but they’re his idiots and he knows he loves them. He doesn't look anything special, but he can and will throw you across the room if you fuck with him or his idiots, especially when he’s tired. He is peak sarcastic bitch and has pretty solid bullshit detector. If one of the Zodiacs is asleep where they shouldn’t be or they’re just leaving somewhere, he usually hoists them over his shoulder. He’s generally reserved but the Hug Pile™, or really extreme amounts of platonic affection in general, make him really soft; half because he’s surprised that they honestly care for him that much. [Colors for his design: Brown, Black, Grey, Yellow, Yellow-Orange. Closest Relationships: Taurus and Cancer. Human Name: Kai.] Aromantic Asexual(will be kissed by the homies owo)

holy fukcing shit is that it. am i finally fucking done. oh sweet jesus im crying this took me so fucking long

sorry if anyone was worried about me, i’m fine. Art, drabbles, and headcanons for this are allowed, but please link this post and/or tag me(or just send it in asks). i’ll try to be productive on this, tho itll probably be in the form of mini scenarios and incorrect quotes.

Here are the songs that kept me from kms while i made this: Lost One’s Weeping by Neru, Namine Ritsu-Error by kyaami, Yukune Ruko-I Don’t Wanna Know by Narcissus, Nakakapagpabagabag by Dasu, Madness of Duke Venomania Eng Sub by IkuSuperbia, v flower-Close to You by kyaami, My Nocturnal Serenade by YOHIO, Len’s Growl-Ghost Rule by Teto Chan!, Fukase English-Never Gonna Give You Up, Fukase English-Your Reality.

pls feed me validation on this i tried so hard my brain hurts

#my story #big post #zodiac #zodiac story #human zodiac

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bioodorange · 3 years

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awesome! then i’d like to request a worst quality creepypasta matchup, please!

i’m a demisexual girl (who leans more to guys) who enjoys sticking her nose into other peoples’ business, being petty and spiteful to annoying/jerkish people, and procrastinating. i love a good sarcastic remark and insert them into conversations, especially ones with parents and dickwads, whenever i can. i really don’t like one of my teachers and i call her mrs. karen behind her back (because she’s a karen.) i get angry pretty easily, and while i don’t take it out on people, i sit in my room and stew in my anger, coming out only to eat and use the restroom. i also, i guess, lack forethought, because i do a lot of dumbass things and end up paying the price (and doing them again because i had way too much fun.) and last but not least, it takes me a longass time to trust people, especially in relationships, and when i like someone as a partner i get overly flustered and start doing everything in my power to prove i don’t like them before accepting defeat and admitting i do in fact like them.

(i swear i’m not as crappy as i just made myself sound 😂)

babes you sound just like me, which is kinda weird but lIKE thats fine, and if you’re crappy then I am too so like technically, you’re all good.

This one was hard because like I’m a total dumbass :)) so u h your match is...

||Bloody Painter||

So took me a while but I think you and Helen would be a good match

You lean towards guys and hes a gUY

Its more than just that I swear-

Your and Helens realationship would start off as like a little gossip circle?

You sitting on his bed while he paints or draws and you guys make small talk

Well, you do most of the talking

Helen is pretty quiet and more of an observer and is good at reading people

Especially those in the mansion, he’s been around them for a long time

You’d go on about eveything you noticed today, what you thought people were up to or doing

He’d ask a few questions, give some insight into how they think and you guys would figure it out together

You’d start putting together ideas of who was doing what with who and stuff like that

It’d be fun, you guys would have your own little world based on theories

and if anyone did anything to support your ideas you would just look at one another and try not to laugh

Helen would find it pretty funny how you have so much “confidence” you’re just a dumbass

Watching you sass people, even Slender a few times without looking scared at all

Though he’s a bit envious of your courage, he loves the fact that you’re genuine

You’re the same way around him as you are with everyone else

At one point you’re remarks (fucknut, shithead, etc) would rub off on him

I imagine its like dinner or some shit and someones annoying him and just out of the blue

“Oh my god shut up you bitchtard-”

And then everyone looks at him in silence

And then at you

He would find your names for the pastas pretty funny, like the insulting nonsense nicknames you use for them

If you ever had one of your fits, Helen would respect your space for a few days

Maybe drop by your room with your favorite snack or something

But after a while he’d miss your company and would drag you outside to do something with him

Even if it was a walk through the woods, he’d try and help you calm down

And just enjoy spending time with you

I feel like your guys realationship would be a really slowburn

It’d start as you guys making note of each other, having a few conversations

To you chilling in his room most of the time, talking until the middle of the night

And then everyone assuming you guys were dating

Then him probably figuring out you liked him just because- it’d be obvious and he spends most of his time with you

and then ya happy ending yall finally get together

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gautierprotectionsquad · 3 years

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Saint and the Sinner by Sam Burns review (contains spoilers)

Book 4 of the Wilde Love series.

I don’t know why i call these reviews. they’re more like reactions. I end up spending a large part of this post angry ranting about Brendan Quinn.

I thought this book might take place around the same time as book 2. At least chapter 1 is a scene that happened in book 2 in Owen’s pov. Also, great chapter title. “Owen Gets a Prologue, Sort Of.” I never mention them but the chapter titles for these books are pretty good. Not so much for book 3 bc book 3 was sad.

I headcanonned Owen as demiromantic and Mickey as demisexual before reading this book. I don’t really headcannon them as that anymore.

I’m glad there’s a barista showing concern for him. I love how this series gives it’s extras so much life within the story. They aren’t just bystanders, they’re people.

Oh wow. Mickey kissed him. Within the first chapter. How long has mickey been harboring those feelings? I do not mind a sex scene in chapter 1. Such a good sex scene.

“I have feelings.” He was terrified for a moment that Owen was saying he had feelings for him, and that would be the end of him. “And I show them all the time. Is that a problem?” Dude are you fking stupid? Owen’s had feelings for you since forever. You knows he’s been into you since he was 13.

wAIT. Mickey just assumed Key knew he was bi? OWEN had to be the one to tell him his brother had no clue? I honestly don’t know who’s stupider, mickey or key. When we first met mickey, liam said he was straight too. Are all his friends just assuming he’s straight bc he was dating Amy or is he just living life as he is but never explicitly saying he’s bi and just assuming his friends would figure it out? Like a part of me thinks he just doesn’t tell his friends stuff.

Also, damn owen. He definitely loves knowing he has that kinda power over mickey’s dick now.

I’m a bit worried that mickey is the guy brendan quinn has in mind as his replacement. Damn just confirmed right after i typed that. fuuuuck.

“You will be okay, O. No matter what, I’ll make sure you’re okay.”

So this is the first book where the conflicts do get in the way of the relationship. Both are dealing with an internalized and some external conflict (mostly mickey) at the prospect of actually being together and Mickey wants to back out. I mean, technically Jake also had the internal conflict of his grief and sexuality preventing him from asking Brian out but that’s not the same. Mickey and Owen have already slept together, but emotional feelings haven’t really been talked about and i don’t think either of them are going to talk about it honestly bc owen doesn’t want to scare mick away and mick doesn’t think he deserves nice things. Book 1 and 2, the lovers decide they like each other and that they want to keep them fairly quickly. Nothing gets in their way or convinces them they should “let them go” or whatever despite things trying to get in their way like an ex or the moral dilemma of dating someone while undercover. Mick, on the other hand, is trying to push Owen away. While trying not to be a dick.

So many romance novel protagonists, when trying to push their loved one away, DO try and succeed in being a dick.

“It had been the most amazing kiss, and the worst thing that had ever happened to Owen. After it, he’d been sure of two things. The first was that Mickey had feelings for him too. The second was that Mickey never intended to kiss him again.” Just like what I said. This type of angst wasn’t in the previous books. It’s like book 1 and 2 were almost identical and then Sam Burns decided to spice it up a bit.

“Or the fact that I hate writing research papers, even though I like doing research.” BITCH FUCKING SAME!

THE ANGST. Dammit Brenden Quinn. Why’d you have to say “you’re the boss.” In front of your son! “Mickey was pretty sure his leg wasn’t what was in danger of getting broken in this mess.” AAAHHH. BRENDEN FUCK YOU. he did it on purpose! HE KNEW. Asshole.

Maybe he just noticed Mick staring longingly, not that Owen loved him back or that they’ve kissed/slept together? He’s still a major asshole, crushing the heart of a guy who is family to him.

What’s the point of being supportive of them being gay if you hate every guy they choose for themselves and are the reason behind almost every breakup?

Mick’s chosen to talk to keegan about his problems. Good but also. God he’s so bad at-Couldn’t have softened the blow a little? Jesus. Key already knew he’s supposed to be the new boss and key’s the best person to talk to about that but the Owen situation. Thank you keegan for giving me a satisfying hilarious response. And telling him what he needed to hear. Love that Keegan is basically like “WOW good for Owen!”

So keegan’s vote is 1) you don’t want to be the boss anyway (so i guess he’s telling him to tell Brendan no?) 2) totally cool with you dating my brother. He’s an adult and can make his own choices. Don’t break it off bc you feel like he deserves better or whatever other stupid exuses you have. I love Keegan.

“For a fraction of a second, there was something that resembled real sadness in the old man’s eyes, but it disappeared almost as soon as he saw it.” So you feel bad now?

“Owen frowned. He wasn’t sure why, but he wanted to get a rise out of her. He wanted her to be angry. It didn’t make sense. Did he want her to be angry with him, or Mickey? “I slept with him.” God, Owen and Mick are so alike.

So Litty’s saying that Mick’s not like his father’s other thugs so Owen shouldn’t be treating him like one? That he shouldn’t be mad at him for working for his father. I think he’s allowed to be a little mad though bc Mick hates it. He’s only doing it bc he feels like he has to, that he has no choice. But i guess Owen has to learn to be ok with the idea that he might be the boss and choose to not care, to love him anyway. The way Joe doesn’t care that Keegan used to be a gangster or that he loves his dad despite the crime. The way Alex chose to love Liam even if he was in the mafia even though he didn’t really have to go through that moral dilemma bc Liam was actually a cop.

“Owen had always thought Mickey was working for his father because he didn’t think he had another choice. Surely, if he was going to be the man in charge, he had to know that he had all the choice. He did. Right?”

Is he going to invite Mick to hawaii with him?

They are both so fucking insecure jesus christ. Especially Mick which is what’s causing all this mess.

Hey mickey? Maybe don’t kiss a boy after you tried to break off any kind of relationship you could have had with him? Mickey should be more considerate of Owen’s emotions. He knows Owen has loved him since he was a teenager and he keeps breaking this poor kid’s heart because he keeps convincing himself he’s not good enough for him while still being too tempted to completely pull away. “You can’t jerk me around like this. Make up your mind, dammit.” YEAH funicking tell him!

“I like people who aren’t afraid of me. Who tell me when I’m being a jackass.”

“You’re being a jackass.”

HAHA! Mickey actually says what he wants!

Ah shit they’re interrupted by the boss. Owen’s going to be so fucking mad when he finds out his dad has been encouraging Mick’s self loathing. Fucker.

Owen’s turn to talk to keegan.

So basically this book’s main conflict is Mick and Brendan’s self hatred. Hey Dudes! GET OVER YOURSELVES!

“And as long as Mickey was around their father every single day, there wasn’t a damn thing Owen could do to shake that hold, he was sure. The old man would call, Mickey would answer, and any progress Owen made would be lost.” So Owen is going to take him to hawaii? Oh. it’s more evil than that. He’s not inviting him. He’s going to trick him into thinking he’s in danger. And Keegan’s going to help.

So despite trying to pull them apart from each other, he can see his son wants mick still. That makes him more of an ass. LET your children BE HAPPY goddammit. No you don’t know what’s best for them. Stop trying to ruin shit for them.

“Going to take him to Europe and lose his passport so he can’t come back to work?” Owen scowled. That was actually kind of clever. He wondered if it would have worked.” pfft.

No, i’m still mad at his dad though. He knew how his son felt about Mick and about the business and encouraged Mick to go deeper into it and acts like it’s ineffable just bc he thinks Mick and him are alike. You told Mick with your own words that you think Owen deserves better. You shut Mick down before he could even ask to date your son. Don’t you think you’re taking part in making him feel unworthy, in making him feel like he can’t be reformed? You knew your son was never going to want anyone else and you still pushed them apart bc you thought you knew better. It’s understandable for Owen to not hate him but I’m going to hate him.

So even though his dad kind of approved of Owen trying to take Mick away and win him over, they’re still going with their plan to trick Mick instead of simply having his dad not force Mick to his side and actually start telling him nice things and start -i don’t know- Stop trying to keep his son away from what he wants. What’s with the talk of him possibly never going to be able to come back home?

Pfft. so literally all he had to do was leave at an odd time and that was enough to freak Mick out? HAHAHAHAHA. I mean everything else is pretty standard and Keegan actually tried to ease his worry by telling him he was going on vacation (which he is). I thought the plan was keegan was going to call pretending to be worried about Owen on his trip, maybe lie and say some russians were there. Nope. What he did was completely normal, he just left at an odd time and took all his favorite stuff on his trip with him (which is...normal?). The only thing off is that he didn’t tell anyone about it. (except he did tell keegan. keegan just didn’t mention that.) Mickey’s such a mother hen for owen. He should have been hired as Owen’s bodyguard. Lord knew, he needed one in school. He did get bullied.

Now i’m thinking of an au where Mick was hired as owen’s bodyguard instead of hired to do errands.

“...Brendan...was watching him with something like curiosity.” so brendon is finally seeing it? The love and care and worry Mick has for his son?

For the first time in his life, Mickey’s patience with Brendan Quinn ran out. “With all due respect, sir, don’t you think Owen is more important than any of that?”

“I didn’t say he wasn’t,” Brendan countered. “Are you telling me that he is to you? More important than your job? Your future?”

Brendan’s testing him. He wants him to put his son before his work. He’s being difficult on purpose. I can understand the “being difficult and disapproving to force their child’s lover to have to prove themselves worthy of their kid” trope but this is different. Brendon’s known Mick for most of his life and encouraged him to go into a path that he knew would taint him when he could have gotten him legitimate work. I feel like it’s unfair. Yeah, Mick needed to learn to tell the old man to fuck off and choose Owen above Brendan but i feel like Brendan was playing unfair.

The classic run to the airport because you realized you’re in love and you’re scared you’re never going to see them again.

I feel like i’m missing the point/not meeting the book where it’s at. The book is leading me somewhere but I’m not following it. I’ve felt it since that “heart to heart” between Owen and his dad. When his dad finally conceded a bit and encouraged Owen to go after what he wants. I’m still holding it against Brendan bc I feel like this conflict is all his fault. I blame Brendan for breaking his son’s heart by giving the empire to someone he knew his son was in love with, knowing how much his son hated the business. But the story is treating it like the conflict is mostly Mick’s fault, which, some of it is, but Mick might not feel as undeserving if it wasn’t for Brendan. If Brendan weren’t so fucking difficult to deal with, there wouldn’t be so much less conflict.

I wish Owen and Mick got to communicate with each other more. I don’t know how close this book is to ending but I’m going to leave this book disappointed if it ends soon bc these idiots spent most of it away from each other and didn’t talk about what they wanted enough. I mean, they had sex, then Mick pushed him away, then owen found out mick was the new boss, then owen avoided him for a while, then mick kissed him and told him what he wanted but owen couldn’t say anything back bc brendan called, then owen went on his trip and mick is following bc he loves him. I didn’t really get to see them spend time with each other that much.

You don’t give something to a poor kid who has never asked for anything in his life and then ask him for 10x more and expect him to not say yes to everything and only agree to what he wants too. Brendan talks about mick’s criminality like it’s who he is and not something brendan forced him to do. Mick never felt like he had a choice in the matter. Brendan built his empire from the ground up bc he wanted it. MICK DOESN’T WANT THIS. He is NOT Brendan! he feels sick to his stomach doing this work and only says yes to you cause you never let him know he could say no. i wanted brendan to feel guilty. Instead he’s probably going to die and the book is going to treat it like it’s all sad and i’m going to be PISSED. Bc you dont get to mold a kid into a criminal than hold that against him when he finally says he WANTS something.

The book is not looking at the full picture it painted. It’s not judging brendan for the choices he’s made. It’s not examining them. It’s not blaming him. It’s a dick move to ask so much from mick and then shut him down before he could even ask to date your son when he has never asked you for anything. And then hold stuff YOU MADE HIM DO against his character. WTF. he only ever asked for something once and you told him to his face that he didn’t deserve it.

Brendan better not die before Mick gets to say to his face that he never wanted any of this. That he only ever worked for him bc he felt like he owed him. That the only thing mick and brendan have in common is a love for family and loyalty and a love for Owen and Keegan.

It’s kind of frustrating the way Owen and Mick talk about Mick continuing to work for Brendan. He doesn’t want to keep working the business bc he actually enjoys it; He just doesn’t think he’s qualified to do anything else. He never got a chance to figure out what he wants to do with his life. He doesn’t like his job. Owen has to keep saying that he’s fine with Mick still working for his dad if he wants-owen isn’t going to force him to quit-but it’s just so frustrating bc this is with the assumption that Mick wants that.

Okay. i just needed to let out my anger. Let’s pretend brendan doesn’t exist or matter or has ever had any affect on the decisions made by mick.

“This was the trip Mickey had talked about taking for years, since he was a kid. And Owen was taking him—had tricked him into it” this is actually really sweet.

God he should have pulled the prank on him pretending he forgot the condoms. I could just imagine the reaction; it would have been so funny!

Since they’ve already been in love with each other before the book started the last words aren’t going to be their first i love you’s in the story like the previous books.

“We could be married. If you wanted.” They both froze. “Mickey?” Owen whispered. “Did you just half-assed ask me to marry you in a swimsuit shop?” “May-be?”

I can’t believe he said marry me before he said i love you.

“Fuck, O, I love you so much.” 7 pages after.

They get to spend a lot of time together thanks to this trip. It’s very cute.

He DOESN’T. He’s just a pessimistic ass who doesn’t say out loud how much he hates it and doesn’t think himself capable of doing anything else. The book’s solution is to have Mick working for Brendan’s legitimate construction company but I don’t think that’s a real answer? The REAL answer would be to give Mick a chance to figure out what he’s passionate about; to finally accept that he’s worthy of getting the things he wants and to not think so lowly of himself. He’s not a poor kid desperate for money and food anymore and hasn’t been for a long time. Plus Keegan and Owen would totally be ok with supporting him financially while he gets the qualifications to do what he wants. He needs to learn that he can ask for and accept help without having to pay anyone back. He’s allowed to want things.

It just feels weird that book 1 was about Alex, who quit law school and got disowned so that he could crash on his friend’s couch with nothing but the clothes on his back and his philosophy textbooks bc he reached for what he was actually passionate about and here we are, the last book in the series, and the topic of Mick trying to find something he’s passionate about isn’t even discussed or explored at all. This book’s conflict is more than just Mick wanting to be with Owen but feeling like he owes Brendan and needs to do what Brendan wants. Wanting to be with Owen but working as a criminal. It’s about Mick not being able to accept any act of kindness without feeling like he has to pay them back tenfold. It’s about him feeling like he’s not allowed to want for anything because he’s already been given more than he thinks he deserves.

yeah he’s accepting a ceo position for brendan’s construction company but does he want that? Or does he just want to work a legal job and he would

have accepted it no matter what it was (except working at Wilde’s bc that would be too easy). Is he accepting it without argument bc he feels like he can ask for this or bc Brendan’s just handing it to him and it’s no different than continuing to say yes to whatever Brendan wants-it’s just now he’s saying no to illegal stuff.

“Plus, if he’s halfway out, it’s not crushing his soul the same way, right?” It’s this shit right here! Mick never says he doesn’t want to work for Brendan bc it’s crushing his soul, because he hates killing, because he doesn’t WANT to, out loud. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to hurt Owen. “I don’t want Owen to get a visit saying I’m not coming home. I don’t want him to see my face all over the news if I get busted and put away. I want him to be happy.” That’s what he says when he’s asked why he wants to quit the business. And it’s really frustrating??? At least Brendan finally acknowledged that Mick and he are not the same, that Brendan would kill his best friend to reach a goal but Mick wouldn’t kill his. Except Mick would rather not kill anyone if he can avoid it.

Anyway we’re close to the end. We’ve got a wedding scene.

“She snorted and rolled her eyes in disgust.“Yeah, but they thought you were straight. So now they just think everybody’s bisexual, especially if they want it to be true.” gross.

“Poor thing was so embarrassed when he started leering at your brother that he apologized to me.” dude

“Holy hell,” Keegan whispered. “You’re really in love with my brother.”\Mickey peered up at him. Was he kidding? In fact, Keegan

looked completely sincere. “Um, duh? I better love him. We’re getting married in, like, five minutes.” asdfghjklkjhgfds

We get a domestic shopping scene and christmas. Mick is happy with the office job he has. And Owen’s still trying to figure out what to do with his degree since no fbi agency would accept him bc of his crime family. Based no that domestic shopping scene and “He didn’t even know who’d done the decorating in the Quinn house. Wilkes, probably. Whoever it was, they’d done a magnificent job.” this, Owen might become an interior decorator? With a criminal justice degree.

Mick to key about jon “You’re dating Mister Rogers.”

“Heh. Mickey’s husband.” same energy as “heh. Wife” - vespa ilkay

“Jon was unreasonably pleased with the personalized monogrammed handkerchiefs that Mickey bought him, and he even had a smile for Brendan when the man told him that his gift was that he hadn’t bought the fed “a damned thing.”

“Owen gave Keegan a copy of the Kama Sutra as a joke, and was horrified when Keegan gave him a satisfied smile, handed it back to him, and told him he already had one.” hold on. “The Kama Sutra is an ancient Indian Sanskrit text on sexuality, eroticism and emotional fulfillment in life. Attributed to Vātsyāyana, the Kama Sutra is neither exclusively nor predominantly a sex manual on sex positions, but written as a guide to the art of living well, the nature of love, finding a life partner, maintaining one's love life, and other aspects pertaining to pleasure-oriented faculties of human life” ok.

Mick never killed jimmy. He mentioned at the beginning of the book that he lied to the old man a lot. This is what he meant. Brendan would order someone dead and he’d find a way to not do that while still making it look like he did what the boss wanted.

Brendan died not from sickness but he got shot on the job. Died trying to do the right thing. Penny, the asshole who kidnapped Alex in the first book, is out of jail and is the new boss of the mafia crime business.

The Quinn family house gets turned into “The Brendan Quinn Shelter for Homeless LGBT Teens.” COOL!

Last words are I love you.

THE END

#long post #romanticsap #sam burns #saint and the sinner #mlm books #lgbt books #romance books #reaction #reviews #reading

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sunflowersseemhappy · 4 years

Note

1, 5, 7

Thank you for the ask! I decided to answer it like a talk show becuase it was fun :)

1. Which character(s) is your apprentice romancing? What attracts your apprentice to them?

Tai: Well technically Julian romanced me, but don’t let him know I said that! He thinks he’s a real Casanova and that’d only inflate his ego. It took me a little while to form a connection to him (seeing as I’m demisexual). But from the start I had a strange feeling that I already knew him which is what made me interested in him in the first place.

Julian: Destiny, that’s what it’s called.

Tai: Sure, I guess you could call it destiny. But overall I love Julian because he’s a selfless and caring man, seeing him help others without even expecting thanks was a big draw in. I guess I’ve never met someone quite as endearing as Julian either, he’s really fun to be with and keeps me on my toes. I like that he admits his flaws too, not many people would do that so openly. Now we’re together I think myself and Julian can work on our respective flaws together, nothing’s easily done alone but we have each other.

5. What are some of your apprentice’s minor and major fears? What’s the best way to comfort them when afraid?

Tai: Minor fears. Since the vampire eel incident I haven’t been very comfortable about walking in that district, I don’t know if that makes me afraid of the canals or the eels themselves but I’m just glad Julian was there. Although... it was him who got me into it in the first place.

Julian: I resent that statement!

Tai: I’m also not a great public speaker, I hate addressing large crowds (above 50 people and I’m uncomfortable). The only exception was Julian’s trial, but that was a life and death scenario. It made it ten times worse but I was ready to face that fear for Julian.

Julian: Tai, you’re going to make me swoon.

Tai: My major fears? Fire, I can’t explain why I’m afraid of fire. I can light candles, and stuff but I can’t cast it with magic and go nowhere near bonfires, etc... I think it has something to do with my past, not even Asra knows why I’m afraid of fire though. What I’m most afraid of is having my memories come back, I’ve spent the last three years becoming who I am now and I often wonder if my memories come back will I change? I want them to come back but I’m afraid of loosing myself in the process.

Julian: What works best to comfort Tai is bringing her out of her mind, grounding her in the here and now. I make her look into my eyes and hold her close, she needs to feel anchored to the world and I try my best to do that for her.

7. Is your apprentice happy with their physical appearance? If so, do they flaunt it? If not, what do they want to change?

Tai: I’ve never been too worried about how I look, chalk it up to Asra teaching me beauty is always on the inside! I’m a little embarrassed about my scar on my face (eyebrow), I got it after getting way too ahead of myself when I could walk again. But it makes for a funny story. My hair can get a bit wild too, Julian says he likes it like that, but he and I both know I look like Malak when he hasn’t preened.

Julian: Of course she doesn’t! Well... maybe a little.

Tai: If I had to change one thing? It would be my other scar, the one that runs along my chest, its a large burn mark that’s been there since before I lost my memories. I didn’t tell Julian or anyone about it for the longest time, whenever I look at it I feel a burning shame that comes at me from nowhere. But like most of my mysterious feelings I have no idea why.

#the arcana #julian #apprentice asks #tai #asra #portia #nadia #muriel #lucio #mc #apprentice #prompt #story time #anon #ask away

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fo-love · 4 years

Text

AroAceShipperPride • Day 3 • how did your f/o(s) react to you coming out?

I'm obviously not doing all of them, just some that popped into my head :) also, I would do Denki but I feel like it'd just be "I'm aroace jump" "neat" skkdnxj

Kenma

I just wanted to write hcs of me coming out to my brother bc it didn't specify romantic :)

So we're probably playing some games and it suddenly hits me that I haven't told him yet

Logically, I know he won't judge me but the nerves are still there for some reason??

I, understandably, get distracted from the game and I'm quiet when I'm usually not during games "what's on your mind?" he asks, pausing the game and looking at me

I get snapped back to reality and I'm just "huh? Oh, let's just get back to playing ;;;"

"No, obviously it's important and I should know"

"not really,, "

"You never try this hard to avoid eye contact with me and you're kind of curling up, it's important to you" Kenma stated, analyzing Kai

".... fiNE" Kai huffed, "but you can't judge me, okay? Promise" they held out their pinky for a pinky promise

"do I ever j-"

"just promise, please!"

Kenma hooked his pinky with Kai's and held up his thumb while their pinkies were still hooked "im guessing you want to stamp it?"

"You know me so well" kai smiles and touches their thumb to his then their hands separate and Kai takes a breath to calm down

"well,, uh doyouknowwhataroace-jumpisbecauseimkindaroace-jump" kai said quickly

Kenma, being their brother for his whole life, understood what they said and kai looked like they were about to cry

Kenma pulled Kai into a hug, which was rare for him, Kai usual started the hugs. He patted Kai's head softly, knowing they took as a way to say "I'm proud of you" (actually, now that he thinks about it, he might be the reason for that. He was never good with putting emotions into words or just preferred to talk less so anytime Kai showed him or gave him something he smile a little and pat their head)

"don't cry, I'm so proud of you for telling me, thank you for trusting me with it" he whispered instead of talking since Kai's head was resting on his shoulder. "and I'm never going to think differently of you, especially because of your sexuality"

**few hours later, after its passed*

"look at you, collecting all the flags, huh?" Kenma jokes, referring to Kai being pansexual, aroace-jump, polyam, and genderfluid.

"I only have one more than you!" Kai playfully whines and lightly shoves Kenma's head to the side (I headcanon kenma as Demisexual, Biromantic, and Demiguy/Demiboy [he/they pronouns])

Bakugo

Nerves up by 100%

I realize while talking to my sister, Momo-

Well technically she realized cause we were talking about sexualities and she asked if I've told bakugo about being aroace jump and I'm like.... Oh no,,,

Cause like,,, he's probably not gonna judge me but he might,,, and if he doesn't I'm gonna get an earful because I didn't tell him sooner sjnfsk

So i go and knock on his dorm room door after training

Ngl almost chickened out since he didn't answer immediately

But he answered it as soon as I was turning to walk away

He tilted his head a bit and quirked an eyebrow

"u-uh well i-,, um,, "

"Are ya okay?"

"yeah just I wanted to te- I wanted to tell you that i-i'm,,, aroace jump,,, "

Bakugo was silent for a little and Kai panicked before he shook his head as if embarrassed "what does that mean, shorty?"

Kai smiled at the nickname and explained it, basically sweating bullets by the end

"good for you?" Bakugo said, confused "I don't see why you're so nervous?"

Then realization hits nd he's like "?! Did you think I'd be upset with you??"

Kai averts their eyes and nodded

Bakugo sighed and left his doorway going towards Kai, closing the door behind him. He hugged them and rested his chin on their head and closed his eyes

Kai cried out of relief. "don't cry, I would never judge you for this, you can't help your sexuality. Anyone with half a brain knows that, and you know I didn't date you for your body anyway. And tell me when you're on an aro jump, okay? If you're comfortable with either still dating but not hanging out or taking a break all together, it's ok, I want you to be comfortable in, got it?" he said softly, rubbing Kai's back and kissed the top of their head "I love you, this isn't changing how I feel"

He opened his eyes and saw Sero, Mina, Kaminari, and Momo at the beginning of the hallway

"wow, I didn't know you could be all soft!" Kaminari laughed

"SHUT IT, DUNCE FACE!!!" Bakugo let go of Kai facing them letting his hand let of little sparks

Momo ran up to Kai with a smile, picking up their sibling and spinning them in a hug "I'm so proud of you!!" She gushed, setting kai down afterwards. Mina ran over as well and ruffled their black hair with a wide smile "Good Job, Kit Kat!" kai giggled at the nickname, thanking them both

Seriously and Kaminari both approached Kai as well, Bakugo grumbling in the background

"I didn't know that about you! Congrats!" Zero smiled, giving them a fist-bump. "That's amazing! Awesome job!!" Denki smiled brightly and hugged Kai

"what's going on out here...?" Todoroki opened his door after hearing all the noise, being greeted by a shy, blushing Kai, and everyone surrounding them

"I told them I'm aroace jump" kai muttered, scratching the back of their neck

"I'm glad you figured yourself out, Kai" Todoroki smiled softly and retreated back to his room

Kai heard something along the lines of "stay away from them, icy-hot fuck" under Bakugo's breath

Jaehee

Kai sat in the living room, waiting for their girlfriend to get home, trying to calm themselves down

They know for a fact that Jaehee wouldn't judge them but the nerves over took logic. They just found out that they were aroace-jump while she was at work and decided to tell her when she got home.

A few hours, Kai has calmed down, then the door opened and the anxiety came back. "welcome back!" Kai says

Jaehee puts her keys on the hook and sits down beside Kai, turning to them "it there something you need to tell me?" she asked calmly

Kai nodded, their face burning with embarrassment "imaroacejump" they muttered quickly

Jaehee understood and nodded her head, and placed her hand on Kai's leg to calm them down "I'm proud of you, Kai, thank you for telling me this. It takes a lot of courage. I love you, all of you, nothing can change that" Jaehee smiles softly

Light

As soon as they found out, p a n i c

Not because they're worried about Light's reaction

But because they weren't sure if they wanted to tell him right away, but it's impossible to hide anything from Light, he's too good at analyzing people

Kai shows up at his house before he gets there and asks to wait in his room, so now they're sitting on his bed waiting for their boyfriend

Soon enough he enters his room, Kai waves shyly at him while he smiles. He takes of his jacket before giving his lover a hug, Kai is really stiff and basically vibrating

He lets out a huff of amusement "is there something you want to tell me, love?" he asks sitting beside them on the bed

Kai's face burns brighter and smiles at the nickname, it was always nice hearing him call them that, it calmed them down a bit as well

Ryuk was paying attention while eating apples in the corner of the room.

They blinked a couple of times quickly to clear their head "im- I'm aroace jump" they smiled worryingly despite having nothing to worry about.

"what does that mean? Is it a ethnicity?-" Ryuk questioned before getting cut off by Light "it's a sexuality, it's in the name" he sighed before turning back to Kai and holding their hands and smiling

"that's amazing! I'm proud of you" Light tilted his head slightly "tell me when you're on a jump, alright? I want to make sure you're comfortable"

"thank you" Kai smiled, wiping a few tears that fell, they didn't know why they did though.

Ryuk flopped onto the bed behind them, causing Light to look and Kai to turn toward their best friend

"that sounds a bit complicated" Ryuk spoke without thinking "but kind of interesting, tell me more, short stack"

Kai hit him with a pillow "shut up, beanstalk! But fine" they laughed as he hit them back with the pillow "are you trying to start a war?" they asked grabbing the pillow back and hitting him repeatedly with it

@no-romance-selfship-imagines

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mild-lunacy · 6 years

Text

Why I Like Labels

So I'm reading this LGBT romance, Bromosexual by Daryl Banner. I always enjoy tongue-in-cheek titles, and tongue-in-cheek books. It's pretty good so far. One of the guys is gay; the other thinks he's straight, but isn't. They're at the point where they're having a sincere conversation about the not-so-straight guy's sexuality, 'cause it's obvious he's definitely sexually attracted to his friend, Ryan. And he's worried he's homophobic, 'cause he still doesn't think he's gay or bi, even after having sex with his male best friend. He honestly says he never related to the gay guys he'd known, but on the other hand, neither is he like the super sex-obsessed straight guys he knows, particularly 'cause he knows a lot of athletes and jocks. He's enjoyed straight sex, but hasn't had a serious relationship. He's like a perfect example of the romance novel and/or slash fic 'gay for you' stereotype.

They go a little further than some books like that, 'cause he says he used to actually think he was asexual (but I suppose he dismissed it 'cause he feels sexual interest sometimes). And although at first, Ryan had insisted that his friend Stefan was gay (or alternatively, bisexual), at that point he agrees with Stefan that maybe he doesn't need a label after all. Things aren't always black and white, are they? Why force it, right?

I don't know if they arrive at the idea of demisexuality eventually or if Stefan ends up identifying as gay in the end, which I know some demi and/or ace people do in real life. So Stefan may end up changing his mind in the future, theoretically, no matter where the story itself ends up. It's only been a few days at this point. Most people need way, way more time. This conversation is pretty early, all things considered. But given that it's called 'Bromosexual', I'm guessing the book doesn't choose to classify Stefan's 'grey' orientation by calling it grey-ace or demisexual. I don't even know if I'd be disappointed, 'cause even having an honest conversation is more than many books end up doing. It's unlikely that an average guy (of any persuasion) would have those kind of soul-searching talks with his friend *or* boyfriend, realistically. Although, well, Ryan is a school psychologist, so he should be more likely to initiate and/or sustain one than most.

All this *did* make me realize that there are actually many portrayals of male demisexuality out there, 'cause the gay-for-you trope is so very, very common. There's really no other way to look at it, at least for me: being sexually attracted only to the person you're super close to is what demisexuality literally means. Since almost all the stories with the gay-for-you trope have the main characters be way closer to one friend than any others, you can't really dispute it. Stefan may not be attracted to any other guys, but he's also not super close to any other guys. And then there's the fact that the only guy he maybe sort of also got attracted to, he was friends with. And nice as it is to talk about how not everything needs a label, basically I think that if you call gay people gay, there's no reason not to continue calling other things by name, too. Either everything has and needs a name, or nothing does. I'm not sure why I should really think that as soon as something becomes complex and difficult to figure out, the need for names and categories disappears. Surely it's *more* important to understand and name difficult things, rather than only the simple, black and white things. Honestly, if anything didn't need categorizing, surely it's the obvious.

You could talk about how the idea of someone only becoming gay because their friend is just that special is unrealistic, problematic or even truly negative for queer people or what have you, 'cause plenty of straight people have also had fears of being 'turned'. It's not as if queerness is actually contagious. But I don't really care about that angle, personally. Even though technically you could also solve this by calling your 'not gay' character 'queer'. Maybe it just hasn't been long enough for that usage to truly permeate and disperse far and wide enough to be broadly acceptable and accessible in fiction, although it seems like an out gay man living in the US like Ryan would be up to date with the umbrella usage of 'queer', even if he hasn't heard of demisexuality. I was actually a bit amazed a jock like Stefan even knew enough to consider his own asexuality. That's way further than most of these stories go, even in actual published LGBT fiction.

It's funny, 'cause there's definitely times demisexuality doesn't work as a label, and you should try for gay or bisexual. For example, with John Watson, given how repressed he is, yeah I'd still go for bisexual. It's one thing for a man to honestly admit they're not interested in guys that way, generally. (Though it becomes particularly damning if one doesn't generally have intense heterosexual romantic attachments either, like John.) But given that John has been so adamant, so messed up about his relationship to Sherlock... yeah, I wouldn't take any of what he says or perceives about himself at face value. Even if you accept John is actually straight, clearly he's not someone you can just believe to be honest to or about himself. While that isn't an excuse to project anything onto him as a character in an analysis, I'd say it's pretty apparent that there's something going on that he's repressing. Specifically about Sherlock. And well, demisexuality isn't about repression; it's more like a way to explain how some people may genuinely only like one person 'that way' and not dozens or hundreds, or what have you.

In *that* sense, I agree that labels are certainly tricky things, and ought to be used responsibly. You shouldn't just apply them willy-nilly, or assume they explain individual complexities where they only barely hint at them. I mean, in my opinion, the word 'gay' includes the full spectrum of behavior and attraction from hyper-sexuality to asexual homoromantic people (and more). At the same time, this breadth means any given label can't predict or explain all the aspects of a particular individual, necessarily. That's not what labels are *for*, anyway. Of course there are things there are no labels for. I mean, you could always make some, but they're certainly not always necessary. That's true.

But it's maddening to me how often characters (and people in real life) will have this conversation, like in Bromosexual, where either someone goes for the obvious or demisexuality and bisexuality are both more or less hand-waved away. I mean, I understand that demisexuality is an obscure idea, so I'm not very surprised or particularly upset about it. But bisexuality gets the same treatment in the media, and that *does* upset me. Bi erasure is real. There's enough public awareness of bisexuality that ignoring or dismissing it as a useless label it is *obviously* purposeful on some level. Or at least, whether or not a given writer meant it that way, this would still be part of a general social trend towards erasure. It's not some innocent, abstract concern about naming things that don't need a name. No, because bisexuality has a name. And it's dismissed and suppressed because people are uncomfortable. Even bisexual or otherwise queer people. And, you know, that's not OK. That's prejudice.

Anyway, I will admit that a lot of times it's awkward. A lot of people genuinely aren't comfortable with overly concrete things or into self-reflection. That's a personality quirk I'm definitely aware of. There are certainly well-meaning people with that personality quirk. There are other writers like Maggie Stiefvater, who wrote LGBT books with sympathetic and genuinely realistic portrayals of characters who're truly unlikely to use the word 'gay' at a certain point in time, let alone jumping straight to declaring themselves bisexual. However, these writers, no matter how well-meaning and realistic, are also being privileged by the people in power in society who're uncomfortable with queerness in general or bisexuality in particular. And I will also admit that many times, stories that do use labels are very self-conscious or self-important about it, and realistic characterization often suffers. I've seen plenty of explicit bisexual representation that worked for me, but I've only read one novel or fic with a believably self-aware demisexual character (Santino Hassell's Concourse). It's hard to do well, and I don't think it's always necessary; the Raven Cycle is a good example of a series that worked great without any labels.

I just think it's worthwhile to make that effort more often, that's all. I'm not a person that's particularly political about it, or insistent about seeing a certain kind of 'representation' by far. Still, how Stefan feels does have a name. Stefan is absolutely a bi demisexual. He's not the only one like that. In fact, he's a lot like me. And well, it'd be nice to have that acknowledged in the story. It would be nice to go all the way with bi and ace representation sometimes.

#pointless rambles #me myself and i #queer issues #queer lit #demisexuality #masculinities #john watson things #bisexual john

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obviouslybooks · 7 years

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I wasn’t going to do this…and I’m still not technically posting my review of Carry On early, but I will post my Carry On rant. This rant will be the things I DID NOT LIKE about Carry On and if that isn’t your cup of tea, don’t drink it, otherwise, I’ll see you under the cut.

Obviously…spoilers.

We all know this was a self-indulgent and thinly veiled Drarry rewrite and I’m all for that, but their relationship did not develop?like?at all. It just happened. There was so little chemistry and there was an immediate hang up on OH GOD(ohwaitcan’tsaythat)MERLIN(shitwe’resupposedtobepretendingthisisn’tdrarryfic)CROWLEY?!! Is HE? isn’t he? But is sIMON GAAAY?

But you’re either Gay™ or Not Gay™ …and the idea of bisexuality was never even considered an option, thought, possibility, or anything. It was all he’s gay or not gay. And while the book never gave a definitive answer, I (a Bisexual™) was left with the proverbial bad taste in my mouth. Now I don’t want to freak out and start screaming “THIS WAS BIPHOBIC” but it did come across as a bit biphobic. Like bruh, Simon could be attracted to Agatha AND Baz. Or, maybe he wasn’t attracted to anyone until he was attracted to Baz *cough*demisexual*cough*…Come on Rainbow, gurl…get your shit together…

Speaking of getting your shit together, Ebb was a lesbian. How do I know this? Because of two throw-away statements from her brother, one of which was lesbophobic and one was obscure enough that it may have gone overlooked. If you didn’t know dryads are female oak tree minor deities, you could miss that. Also, there was some shit about giving Ebb shit for being a virgin (don’t give virgins shit) and questioning if she was still a virgin (why is Nicodemus so concerned with his sisters sex life?) and made the off-hand comment about “does feeling up other girls even count?”…and yes this is on page 408 of the US hardcover edition (1st edition if I’m correct) and hoo buddy am I not ok with that. So, if this was never part of her character in any other way, and without these two sentences she wouldn’t have had a canon sexuality, why was it even put in here? Maybe representation? Maybe? Hey, Ebb is a very powerful mage but decided to live the dirty life of a school grounds goatherd. ok.

I thought I was done with that last paragraph, but I guess not…What queer girl wants to read a book that has a character blatantly saying that their way of having sex isn’t sex? Eew. Now I’m done.

You know who else was wlw? Trixie the pixie, Trixie who never makes an on-page appearance…Trixie, the roommate Penelope hates because she’s a pixie. But boy-howdy do we know she’s terrible.

You know who else is terrible(sarcasm___)))? Philippa…you know why? because she had a crush on Simon! Well, better steal her voice and throw her out of the book and never let her come back.

And don’t get me started on Agatha…she’s emotional, likes pretty things, isn’t cut out for the adventure life, doesn’t like to be the damsel in distress but doesn’t possess the means necessary to be a hero, she likes boys, she likes manicures, she’s blonde with blue eyes (I think they were blue…they were light)…and somehow we were led to fucking hate her. Why? Why are we demonizing feminine white girls? There’s nothing wrong with being girly, or not wanting to go fight dragons, and sTOP FOR THE LOVE OF LITERATURE STOP PORTRAYING EMOTIONAL GIRLS AS UNLIKABLE!!! FUCK!

Am I calling Ms. Rowell biphobic? not necessarily, but Baz is. Am I calling Ms. Rowell lesbophobic? not necessarily, but Nicodemus is.

Ok, let’s talk about character deaths.

So, I may be missing one, but we have a few unnamed baddies (a goblin, some vampires with no names, some numpties with no names) Lily and Narcissa, oh, I mean, Lucy and Natasha…the mothers. We have the Mage…the Bad Guy™. And we have Ebb…a lesbian.

Hmm…handful of women, and the Bad Guy™. Not a nice demographic.

So, guess we can add this to the Dead Lesbian trope. Why did Ebb die? Uh, the Mage was a dick? I guess. It could have been left out. She could have lived. it wasn’t a huge cathartic event, it happened moments before Harry Simon killed Voldemort the Mage with a non-lethal spell. They mentioned covering her body where it fell at the time of her death, but there was no emotion given to her. She was written out to be a powerful (but unfulfilled) crybaby mage and when she died, it was like “ok, we’re done with her.” They never even mention her brother…the one who was responsible for sending Baz to Watford at that moment in the first place. Nicodemus wanted to save his sister, was denied the chance, sister died, neither character was mentioned again.

AND DON’T GET ME FUCKING STARTED ON THE WAY SIMON SACRIFICED HIS MAGIC!!!!!!!!!!!****still angry screaming**** WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU MAKE HIM SACRIFICE HIS MAGIC only to turn around and have him keep his wings and tail…like ok, let’s make him sacrifice his magic, he’ll be a Normal…but not too Normal, or else he’s not important anymore…BOOM.wings&tail. Oh, but he can’t control them….he can’t hide them, he needs to be completely dependent on another mage to hide his wings and tail magically for him…therefore he is now unable to be independent and will now be unable to live life without daily spells from people.

Does this imply some icky points about him staying with Baz romantically? yes. Does this imply some icky points of imposing upon Penny once she wants to leave for America to be with her boyfriend. Yes. Does this make no fucking sense? IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.

If you want to have a character sacrifice magic, AND THEN MAKE THEM DEPENDENT ON MAGIC TO EVEN LEAVE THE FUCKING HOUSE, you don’t seem to be doing the sacrifice thing correctly. What if he and Baz realize they don’t want to be together? Simon is stuck.. Mages are encouraged to be with other mages…Simon isn’t a mage. Simon can’t be with a Normal, he’s got goddamned wings and a tail. This has toxic woven all through it.

But it’s ok, Baz still wants to be with him, and now he isn’t jealous of him and his power…and He’ll Always Feel Sorry For Him…eew. (yes, this is a paraphrase)…Simon feels like he will never be able to keep up, that he will always be less than Baz. OH BUT THEY CHOOSE TO BE TOGETHER. This is not the basis of a healthy relationship. If you strongly feel that you are inferior to your partner and always will be, THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING!

tl:dr; just go read fanfiction…drarry, snowbaz, either will do. AND BE NICE TO GIRLS! this was bordering on mlm fetishistic.

p.s. it’s 1:43 a.m. and I have to be up for work in less than 5 hours. fml but I had to say this shit.

p.p.s. the longer I worked on writing this, the less I liked the book…I may end up changing my rating…or at least make notes of what I did like to balance this shit out before I do my actual review.

***edit*** I did some fact checking, and it wasn’t even Ebb that Simon covered with the jacket after she died, he covered the body of the fucking MAGE right after he stabbed Ebb in the chest then tried to take Simon’s magic. Like…wtf… yeah he’s your father, but YOU NEVER FIND THAT OUT!

#carry on discourse #i don't see myself reading another rowell book /like/ever

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thanhxuannie · 7 years

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🐰, 👀, 🍓(Eunhyuk, Kyuhyun, Peachyhae(Alyssa), Tony Stark oppa), ⚡️, ☁️, 🍄, 🐶(Tony Stark again lmao, Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter), 🐱.

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone? hmmm technically alyssa knows bc we talked about it once, but ?? i think i might b demiromantic as well as demisexual ???? im not sure and im still thinking about it but!!!! ive never told anyone besides alyssa tbh

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had?OH that was just last night !!!!!!!! i dreamt that hyukjae had a huge position in the financial industry or some shit ?? but then that one day there was a camera who came to film an interview or some shit and he got caught trying to launder money ??? bc the ppl who needed their money laundered, btw thats rly an odd expression, left all of the money and their info on the table and he was like oh SHIT but then idk why i came in??? he was trying to escape and suddenly we were in a slum or some shit, and the mafia was trying to catch him and i managed to ru n away from the mafia and we tried to run away together , it was rly fun but then my alarm rang and i was lik e oh SHIT i want to KNO

🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?omg HAAHAHAHAH i think

kiss:alyssa, bc im alrdy bff 5ever w her and i wldnt want to kill her wtf??? but um no offense marry.......hyukjae...... :- ) shed understand right HAHAHAHAHA;

befriend; my fave tony stark oppa LMAO i was gna say marry at first but like. hyukjae. also friends with tony stark ??? actual real friends??? my best bro in the world??????? oh yes i BUY ;

kill: kyuhyun im SORRY you’re just in a bad position LMAO;

marry: hyukjae AAAYYYYYYY NO EXPLANATION NEEDED JSUT THINKING ABOUT IT CAN YOU HEAR THE ANGELS SINGING

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why? oh wow good question ?? hmm i want to say smth smart and clever like omniscience hahaha but no shit im a child, i want to TRAVEL IN TIME , but like without the risk of fckn up the whole timeline thing and make the whole universe explode ykno , all i want is like a nice lil trip to three days ago to fix that thing that i forgot and stuff ykno. can u IMAGINE everything that was can do if we travel in time?? w/o risking the fatal death of the whole universe ?? yes NICE

☁️ talk about your dream universe. in my dream universe hmmm dyu kno the movie pleasantville? its about this boy who watches this tv serie everyday and its about this perfect town , and like everybody has jobs theres no crime rate everybody is nice etc. ykno ? but in the end he gets sucked in the tv serie and it just happens to b a horrible life ????? well i feel like dream universe can b rly tricky to understand ?? but anyway in my dream unvierse theres an optimum of pareto , hahaha look at me the economist girl HAHAHAHAHA , people’s well being is at their best but also they wont decrease other people’s well being, does that make any sense, i kno the exact definition in french LMAO

anyway i think in my own universe everybody is happy??? but like their happiness wont hinder other people’s happiness. i dont want any discrimination hate or anything like that ykno ?? also no extreme poverty no war etc. as for me um i guess i just want to have a chill life??? b happy have good friends eat good food literally im not that complicated HAHAHHAHAHA have a nice lil life with my friends, get my mom to get her head out of her ass an d let me see my dad, ykno

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike. i hate. MANIPULATION like u kno my bff is in this kind of relationship-but-not with this guy and hes just a fckn asshole bc he keeps toying w her feelings??? hes push-and-pulling but like i kno she hates it and i hate it, and just i kno a lot of people who use a lot of passive aggressiveness aka my mom ,????? and thats just the worst fckn thing in the whole world and i hate it??? thats why sometimes im rly blunt bc i hate using passive aggressiveness or manipulate ppl , like LEAVe them ALONE

🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite! oh.......no....how dare you..............???????? my fave fictional boys in the world.......no...... ok ok first of all im sry tony stark the best super heroin the whole wide world , but since ive liked hp for longer, then its probably gna b b/w draco malfoy and harry potter my 1st otp ever nghhhngngngngngng

i think its probs draco malfoy ACTUALLY i kno that a lot of people say that hes just evil and he s an asshole and shit, but like i think his character is rly interesting ??? like think about it hes an asshle alright, hes a prick and he has terrible prejudices and shit but like ?? can u blame a kid for the way his parents raised him? the thing is u cant take everything for granted? if u were in his position and ur parents had to live with the greatest evil guy in the world and u were just about what ?? 16 ??? wld u go out of ur way to defy him?? honestly no offense but i dont think so . also the character is ambiguous like does he change towards the end? did he realize that he was a little shit ??? he still is but did he realize that no offense thats not a good thing ????? i dk i just think that his character is rly interesting bc its so complexe, i wanna work on it and like EXPLORE

🐱 what’s your dream pet like? um a cat probs, lmao, or a big dog ??? i love all kinds of pets in general just come at me BRO well tbh im allergic to dogs and a bit to cats but. im rdy to sacrifice my health for the sake of animals literall. u want a pet that s playful and loving, but also when i need someone theyre always here for me ??????? who needs lovers u got animals tbh

my good bro thanks for the fantastic ask!!!!!!!!! it was fun to answer even if i was so messy in my reply and also wow my answers sometimes arent even answering the things HAHAHAHAHAHAHA thanks again

#meme #i love!!!!!!!!#it was so fun !!!!!#anonymous #ask

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beholdme · 3 years

Text

All the Many Shades of Gerry - Chapter 16

Chapters: 16/19

Fandom: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Gerard Keay/Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist, Martin Blackwood/Gerard Keay, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist, Gerard Keay/Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist

Characters: Martin Blackwood, Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist, Gerard Keay, Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), Sasha James, Gertrude Robinson, Elias Bouchard

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Library AU, Librarian Jon, Artist Gerry, Trans Male Character, Trans Martin Blackwood, Canon Asexual Character, Asexual Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist, Ace Subtype - Sex Positive, Polyamory, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Romantic Fluff, Falling In Love, Boys in Skirts, Kissing, Demisexual Gerard Keay, Minor Character Death, Past Character Death, Canon-Typical Child Neglect, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Flirting, Minor Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist/Tim Stoker, Adventures in Hair Dying, Happy Ending, Banter, Gerry has a lot of sass, Gerard Keay is Morticia Adams, Jon is a very grumpy Librarian, Martin adores them anyway.

Summary: In which Gerry is a kaleidoscope and Jon and Martin can’t help falling in love with him.

He happens to love them back.

Find it on Ao3

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15]

Right in the middle of mild renovations, and Martin moving into the loft, Gerry has a showcase sneak up on him.

They're in the very chaotic process of turning three lives into one and it's unfortunate timing, but he's willing to cope to have his partners close at hand.

Jon is also in the process of moving in, but more slowly, having kept his flat for an extra month, hoping to ease the chaos. Two cats and several duplicate pieces of furniture clutter the space, and everything is just a bit out of sorts.

Gerry's showcases are an odd thing. As an anonymous artist, working under a pseudonym, he doesn't technically have to go to his shows, but Gertrude likes for him to be around, and she tells everyone he's one of her assistants so he can attend without a fuss. No one ever takes any notice and he gets to watch people react to his paintings with absolutely no idea that he's present. It's an odd feeling that often leaves him disquiet, but he never regrets going. As an artist, there's nothing better than seeing your art on display, with just the right environment and just the right lighting.

This time, he also has a bit of a plan brewing.

Feeling truly rooted in the foundations of their relationship after more than a year, Gerry presents Jon and Martin with very fancy, formal invitations, complete with a bow and a suggestive wink.

“Will you be my companions for the evening, gentlemen?” Gerry seems to be doing a very pompous impression of Elias, which sends Jon into instant hysterics.

While he’s distracted, Martin pulls Gerry close and they swing around the room, mimicking some kind of waltz, before bashing into a table and then a couch. They cut their losses and simply kiss breathlessly in the middle of the laughter.

"So," Gerry asks them when they've all settled down and gone back to trying to install the new storage cabinets. "What do you think? Want to be my plus two?"

Jon laughs sweetly from nearby, a screwdriver in hand. "I think I can speak for both of us when I say that we wouldn't miss it for anything."

***

There's a fair amount of chaos as the day approaches, Gerry trying to complete and send off several final pieces while Martin and Jon frantically search for their formal wear in the boxes that currently pass for their wardrobes.

Eventually giving up on trying to organize the walk-in closet to accommodate all three of them, Gerry and Tim drag both Jon and Martin's armoires up the stairs and they all unpack their clothes in their own wardrobes.

This is a rather tumultuous activity, which somehow ends with Tim shirtless and Gerry wearing a bright teal and pink Hawaiian shirt, open over a black lace bralette. No one even tries to guess where the bralette comes from, but Gerry decides he likes it, and Jon eyes him approvingly.

"You should wear that to the opening, Gerry," Martin suggests provocatively from nearby. "Give your own art some competition."

Gerry smirks at him. "I think you should come over here and say that to my face."

"Oh God, can I watch?" Tim asks a hopeful excitement not quite masked by the humour.

Jon manages to sneak a sweet candid of Gerry and Martin laughing with Tim, all looking like they showed up to different parties. Overcome to see his two partners and his best friend all so happy together, Jon decides it might be his favourite thing ever.

***

In the end, their suits are unearthed, wrinkled but intact. They send them off to be dry cleaned right in the nick of time.

The night before his event, in a pique of creative mania, Gerry dyes his hair alone at 3 A.M. Martin and Jon wake up to find his hair a slightly blotchy silver-grey, which they both coo over lustily.

Jon gently helps him even it out, and by the time his hair is clean and dry again, he looks striking and angular. In his dark blue trousers and well-fitted waistcoat, eyeliner and piercings in place, he looks downright picturesque himself- a work of art who also happens to create works of art.

Jon has a favourite black suit with a very faint pinstripe pattern, which he wears with a green waistcoat and matching green tie, to compliment his mossy eyes. His white shirt contrasts pleasantly against his tawny skin and even he agrees that he looks rather handsome.

Martin owns exactly one suit- it's a light grey colour just a little too cool to flatter his summery skin tone, and it doesn't fit quite right through the shoulders, if he's being honest. Gerry gently encourages him to wear his trousers and crisp white shirt with a warm maroon sweater. It's soft cashmere, made even softer (according to Martin's poetic side) by the fact that his lover's gave it to him for Christmas. Gerry's artist eye managed to pick out precisely the right shade to compliment his warm brown eyes and pink hair, and the ensemble leaves him looking quite lovely.

He eyes his bow ties indecisively, and Jon wanders over and hands him a dark blue-grey one with tiny white dots. He even ties it for Martin, and he offers a sweet kiss in exchange.

“You look splendid,” Jon remarks, pulling Martin carefully towards him by the elbows before pressing their lips together chastely. They kiss for several moments, lips dragging together pleasantly. Jon runs his hands down Martin’s forearms to tangle their fingers together, where they fit together snuggly.

Martin sighs as they part, all outfit uncertainty having fled. “What was that for?”

“I just couldn’t help myself.” Jon chuckles, grinning. “I see a stunning man, I have to kiss him.”

“So it’s not because my dotty bow tie fills you with incandescent joy?” Martin presses their foreheads together, simply basking in Jon’s presence.

“Everything about you fills us with incandescent joy,” Jon whispers to him. “Especially the way you can make the perfect cup of tea."

“And,” Gerry adds, coming up to place a hand at the small of Martin’s back. “The way that you can remember the love story from every book you’ve ever read.”

“I-” Martin laughs sweetly at them, blushing fiercely. “You guys.’’

They all stand together for a moment, each looking spectacular in their own ways, soft looks on their faces. Gerry vaguely wishes this was the whole day, that he could just stand here with his lovers and convince Martin that he is the most perfect man on earth. He wishes he could just tease Jon until he snaps and tries to tickle Gerry to death, and they would end up all rolling around the floor, ignoring the many extra pieces of furniture currently occupying the flat.

Gerry wishes for these soft and special moments and knows that there will be a million more of them as time goes on and that the moment coming will (hopefully) be perfect in its own way.

They each share a kiss with the others, then they grab their things and make their way downstairs, excited and jubilant, all laughter and easy affection. They pile into a cab together and Gerry tells them stories of past showcases, full of ridiculous moments and strange pride at his impossible artistic success.

The second they arrive, Gerry is summoned away and with a wink and a grin, he’s gone. Martin and Jon exchange a smile, joining hands and moving through the gentle crowd. There are plenty of people in attendance already, but the sorts of people who go to galleries are the quiet sort, and there isn’t a lot of boisterous energy flying about.

They wander around, finding many paintings which they have seen Gerry working on over the last year, and unsurprisingly, several they’ve never caught a glimpse of.

Sometimes Gerry will work on a painting for weeks and then keep it around for months, looking at it every day, and then other times he'll paint an entire piece in 18 hours, decide he never wants to see it again and send it straight to Gertrude for safekeeping.

It’s all a part of his creative rhythms, and they’ve long since grown accustomed to it.

The gallery itself is a series of thin rooms, with a bench down the middle for extended viewings. Each is filled with four paintings, even if they are wildly different sizes. They seem to be arranged by vague categories, but Jon and Martin are amused to see that a 3D piece made mostly out of torn book pages and painted to appear aflame is hung across from an oil painting of a colony of seals swimming across a galaxy in the night sky.

Gerry reappears at intervals, whispering secrets to them as they consider one piece or another. At the painting of a siren singing longingly to a falling comet, Gerry whispers something into Martin's ear which makes him smirk in a way that fills Jon with burning curiosity. Instead of sharing with him as well, Gerry pecks him on the cheek and then dashes off at the behest of a harassed looking assistant of Gertrude’s.

“What did he say?” Jon implores Martin softly after he’s gone again.

“Apparently he was thinking of us in a very specific way while he painted that one.” Martin is still grinning smugly.

“Ah,” Jon says, nodding. “Naked?”

“Very naked.”

“You know, I rather imagined that was what he was always thinking of while he painted.” Jon confesses.

“Really? That’s a lot of imagined nudity.” Martin whispers, threatening to spill over with laughter.

“Well-” Jon bristles slightly. “We’re very nice to look at naked, like- like muses!” He finishes triumphantly.

“A point well made, love.” Martin concedes.

He drags Martin to the next room after that, and they find it to be the final part of the exhibit.

There are only two paintings here, a matched pair of the same size, sitting on the end wall side by side. They’re another two neither of them has ever seen before, and Jon draws Martin to sit on the bench and simply absorb the art together. Their hands are twined, and they feel rather overwhelmed with unspeakable emotion.

There are a pair of matching sold signs beneath them, bold and unmissable.

Gerry finds them sitting there, and he sits himself on the other side of Martin, gently taking his other hand.

“Oh, Gerry.” Martin eventually whispers, awe-struck.

“Do you like them?” Gerry squeezes his hand, and Jon reaches over Martin to tangle his fingers in the pile. It’s messy, just the way they all like it.

“Very, very much,” Martin affirms.

“Gerry, they’re spectacular.” Jon offers his appreciation. “How did you get them done without us ever seeing them? They’re huge.”

“I finished them months ago, before we spent so many nights all together, then I kept them in the storerooms before I shipped them off to Gertrude,” Gerry explains. “I wanted you to see them here, like this, for the first time.”

“Why?” Martin asks, voice full of warm curiosity.

“It's the way you each make me feel, and I wanted you both to have this moment, to see them displayed to their best potential,” Gerry whispers to them, the space feeling sacred and private, despite the people wandering the gallery around them. "It seemed more poignant than simply saying 'I love you,' back in the days before we said those words so easily."

"I can't imagine being filled with so much talent that I could just…" Jon begins, voice laden with unexpected emotional fragility.

Martin continues for him, "Paint the way you love someone?"

They don't notice, but Gerry actually blushes, hot embarrassment and pleasure filling him in equal parts. His voice is smooth and clear, mercifully, as he starts his explanation.

“Martin, yours is that moment of dawn breaking, out somewhere that there are no other people. Maybe you feel alone, but you never feel lonely, because the sun is rising and it reminds you that the world always moves at its own rhythm. Like sometimes I haven't seen you in a while but I walk into the bookstore or you come through the door, and your smile fills my heart, as steady and unchanging as the rise and fall of the sun in the sky.”

The painting in question rather does convey that feeling, a foggy moor stretching towards a tree-lined horizon, dawn breaking and bringing light and warmth to the cool edges of the space. Darkness sits in the corners, but it only serves to enhance the light, drawing the eye towards the sweet sunrise.

Gerry continues, this time focusing on the darker painting, an intricate stained glass window refracting down, colourful light filling a room with books stacked haphazardly everywhere. “Jon, yours represents what it’s like to try navigating our relationship together. The books are not sorted or organized and they can be tricky to understand, but the comfort and ease of that familiarity can still fill me with peace in the most unexpected moments. The light is colourful and ever-changing, both a familiarity and yet always shifting to suit our moods and seasons together.”

"Constant, but never the same," Jon whispers in return, and Gerry is pleased to hear he knows the feeling.

They simply sit with each other a moment, the sheer scope of their emotions filling them up with warmth and a sort of profound understanding that just doesn’t come from simple words. It’s a gesture as wild and unexpected as Gerry himself, and Jon and Martin bask in it.

“They're breathtaking, love.” Martin declares, turning to him. “It's a pity they're sold. I suppose we couldn't afford them anyway, but I wish I could buy them.”

Gerry grins, pleased. “They were never for sale. They're only here to be displayed. They're gifts. I was hoping- that is, I hope you and Jon will accept them. I painted them to go in your studies in the loft.”

“They're for us?” Jon murmurs incredulously.

“Yes, as a way for me to express just how much I adore you both,” Gerry confirms, giggling a bit at his own words. “How could I pour so much love into paintings, and let them live with anyone else?”

“I’m glad you couldn’t because I love them so much,” Martin tells him earnestly.

“I feel the same,” Jon adds, voice gentle.

“They’re- They’re the best things I've ever made. I’m so glad you like them.” Gerry whispers, surprised to find himself overcome with a hot swell of emotion.

They continue to sit together, hands tangled, lives knit together. Hope and certainty, two emotions none of them have ever been allowed to indulge in, blanket around them, cementing this moment forever.

#the magnus archives #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #gerry keay #jongerrymartin #fic #also on ao3

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