#i fucking hate when my back gets this bad. i can handle and even derive a weird enjoyment from most injuries but this is just upsetting
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Corruption au Eren cockwarms mikasa once they’re together, he says ‘it helps him remember things’ and then every so often he gives her an orgasm just to keep her pliant against him while she plays with her boobs, he doesn’t do it in a cruel kind of way, it just he wants to pleasure her while doing his work
however when they’re not together, he’s such a sadist about it, he refuses to let her come even after he’s done his hw and is just fucking her, he always leaves when he’s done. Until one day when he starts feeling bad, he lets her come and it absolutely ruins him, he becomes obsessed with pleasuring her and seeing her face flushed pink, and hearing the needy sounds she makes and the quiet sighs, and the way her hands frantically move around until he Holds them together
STOP U GUYS KNOW ABOUT MY COCKWARMING OBSESSION STOP IT 😂😂 omg bless corruption Eren tho, this is my favourite kink for him, its so hot and it fits their situation perfectly.
It starts slow for Eren, to be honest he has no fucking idea when it really started. One day he'd been failing calculus, accepting he wasn't going to pass the year and thinking about maybe dealing drugs as a career path over his previous dreams of doctor. The next he was being forced to study three days out of the week with high school princess, Mikasa Ackerman.
At first he'd hated it, hated her really. He'd never been able to stand her, not since they were little and she'd chosen the dark side of Historia Reiss, bully and mean girl if there ever was one. Historia had sweet innocent baby Mikasa under her thumb. Mikasa followed her around like a dumb fucking puppy and Eren hated followers, they were all the same, no personalities, no aspirations of their own.
She had no backbone either. She let all the shit Historia did slide, all the bullying, the holier than thou attitude because her family was richer than god. So very typical of the rich kids from the upper class neighbourhood.
Eren would know, he used to be that rich kid, used to live that life. That was until his parents died in a brutal car accident, Zeke had inherited half the estate on the condition he'd take care of Eren and the rest was tied up in Eren's trust fund until he was twenty one.
Big surprise, no one had taken care of Eren and he was fucking lucky Armin and his grandpa had been there to help him out.
Everyone else, all his other 'friends' had given him the cold shoulder upon finding out he was no longer rich for the moment, he'd been dropped like a hot potato. So Eren's hatred of the upper class of Shiganshina had begun.
And Mikasa Ackerman was the pinnacle of it all, the worst the rich had to offer. She was beautiful, smart, loaded, had every opportunity in life, completely innocent and sweet, and the cherry on top of it all she volunteered on the weekend at the pound.
She disgusted him, so prim and proper and all around good girl while she was letting her 'friends' bully him for being poor, watching the injustice happen like a fish in a bowl.
He couldn't fucking stand her.
Of course, she would be the person who ended up tutoring him though, Principal Erwin mandating it if he wanted to graduate. So here he was sitting in the computer lab at five on a Wednesday watching her plump lips move as she explained integrals to him for the third time in an hour.
It's been a few months since they've started this little arrangement and he's gotten used to her presence. He wouldn't say he likes her, thats a stretch but he's not quite as cruel as he once was. He'd be lying if he said he didn't get a kick of watching that beautiful mouth part every time he does something mean though, those little gasps when he pinches her thigh or touches her where he shouldn't.
It's probably the highlight of these sessions.
Today he's feeling bold, maybe he'll push his luck. After all, he's done it before and she's never protested. For some reason or another Mikasa Ackerman has a soft spot for him, and no matter how mean, she lets him get away with murder.
"Miki, come here I can't hear you properly."
"And then you take the-what?" She looks up, pretty dove-grey eyes wide, sparkling as she explains her favourite subject, fucking math.
"You heard me, get over here."
As usual, she takes orders so fucking well, it brings out the absolute worst in him. She's standing up and next to him in seconds and he's eye level with her perfect chest, those tits he dreams about every night, ripping her bra off with his teeth and sucking at those pretty pink nipples of hers. He's only seen them a few times, when he convinces her it's okay, when he's sure there's absolutely no one around, but they keep him awake at night.
He pats his lap, grinning as she goes easily, settling into her favourite spot, he knows she loves it just as much as he does. Her thighs always shake and she shudders as his hands find their place cupping those beautiful creamy thighs, head tucked into her shoulder.
Mikasa starts talking again, beautiful lilt soothing him as she launches into a renewed explanation of integrals while his hands move up, up, up and to his absolute favourite spot, her panties.
Today she's wearing cotton, he can feel it, must be laundry day and he kisses her shoulder as he feels how wet she is. Fucking perfect.
Lately she's been more partial to fancier underwear and he can't help but wonder if it's for him. He has a feeling it is, because the first month of their little arrangement he'd snuck as many peaks as they could and it was always pink or white cotton with polka dots and pretty bows.
They were his favourite, so fucking innocent, so untouched by anyone but him.
He watches as she moves her pencil drawing lines and numbers, a little bit of the alphabet too and he ignores it all in favour of watching her chest, her breath hitch as he slides a finger inside her panties, feeling those velvet lips, it's been a while.
He's been on his best behaviour lately since Levi almost caught them at her house that one time, but he's horny and she's wet and he misses being inside her, misses watching her try to talk through him fucking her, how her voice would waver, change pitch. How many times she'd stumble through her sentences, have to start all over again, because she can't handle how big he is, doesn't know how to deal with the all-consuming sensation of him fucking deep within her walls, just sitting there filling her right up to her cervix.
Fuck.
He can't really be blamed for what he does next, and besides it doesn't matter, Eren's not a stupid kid, he allowed himself to get this far behind in calculus. He'd spent an hour last night going over integrals with the sole purpose of knowing what was going on today so he could fuck with his favourite toy.
He moves her a bit so she's resting more heavily on one thigh and slides his joggers and boxers down just enough expose his heavy cock to the air, already rock hard and waiting.
Mikasa gasps a little bit, a breathy sound quick and sharp as she sees him, her eyes transfixed on his dick and he grins, sliding her panties to the side and slamming her down on him before she even knows what hit her. The slide is so fucking easy too, it takes almost nothing and he gets a sick sense of satisfaction that even with little to no prep she can take him, probably better than anyone else he's ever fucked. She takes it all no complaints, as deep as she can and he bottoms out.
She lets out a long moan, that pretty sound he wants to record and listen to on his phone over and over again, her head lolling back uselessly against his shoulder as she takes in the sensation.
"Miki baby you know this helps me remember better right, sorry it just wasn't getting through my head I was too distracted, but now I'm all ears, why don't you continue. What's that rule you were talking about, how are derivatives and integrals related again baby, they're opposites?"
She's breathing quick and Eren doesn't blame her, he's struggling to keep his tone level as her walls squeeze him, warm and soft and he wants to stay buried there forever, she's so fucking tight.
"I-Eren-I-yeah, opposites," she finally manages to get the last word out ending a little broken as she struggles to sit up and make herself comfortable on his cock, she should be used to it by now with how often he does this, but it never fails she always reacts like she's taking him for the first time all over again.
He fucking loves it.
"Why don't you explain again baby, I don't think I really understand? And make sure you're clear Mikasa."
She nods, still squirming around, every movement shooting electricity up through both of them as she accidentally grinds down, she lets out an involuntary moan and Eren smirks.
Eren takes it upon himself to move her up and off his cock a few inches before impaling her back down, biting down on her neck a little bit as punishment and she whines, teeth coming out to bite down on her lip brutally as she tries to keep quiet.
"Stop moving baby, you're distracting me, just take my cock like a good girl and explain for me yeah?"
She replies brokenly her voice soft and struggling with her breaths, "Yeah."
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Hello! Over a half a year has passed but your fic ‘Give me a show’ continues to live rent free in my head. I’ll go a while without thinking about it but then Bam! There it is, back again and haunting me. That fic was so deliciously dark. I simultaneously loved it and hated it and hated myself for loving it. I think the reason I loved it so much was the way Thrawn handled himself grace and kindness and a level head, despite the heinous situation they were in. Truly a master tactician, everything Thrawn did was to get himself and Eli out alive; he did not derive any pleasure from the circumstances and he did not take advantage, and I love that about him. There were so many subtle nods to his good character — going gentle until Angel threatened him not to, refusing to look anywhere but straight ahead, blocking Eli from view with his body, and stopping the moment Eli went over the edge.
My question to you is this: Have you ever headcanoned the aftermath of this story? I would like to think that Thrawn and Eli are a strong enough team that they can work through this. It would be interesting to see them debrief. Do you think they can put what happened behind them? Do they talk about it? Or maybe they pretend like it never happened. Would it bring them closer or drive them apart beyond repair? A part of me could see Thrawn wanting to put things right. He might want to have an encounter with Eli free of threat and violence, replace the bad memory with a good one. Would that be possible? Would Eli even be open to that? Perhaps, perhaps not. Gah! There are so many possibilities stemming from a 1.7k word fic! That’s a truly amazing thing!
Oh wow, thank you!! I'm flattered my little fic could have such a lasting impact <3 It was a very interesting challenge, actually, writing the unsympathetic outsider & antagonist POV in a way that I could have Thrawn's characterization show through like that. Stuff that Angel would notice without necessarily realizing or caring what it all meant, but that we would see as speaking to Thrawn's personality and both his and Eli's state of mind. It makes me unreasonably happy that those little cues came through the way I wanted them to!
As far as the aftermath goes, it's not something I've thought about it a ton of detail because... ow. And yeah, it could just go so many different ways! I've never been able to settle on just one outcome/aftermath that I think is The Right One, if that make sense? I generally see the context of it all as either pre-Thranto or non-Thranto, as in, they weren't already together or anything. When I want it to be extra painful, I tend to see it as a situation where Eli was already into Thrawn but it wasn't reciprocated and Thrawn just did what he had to do to keep them both alive. But even if it is reciprocated, there would be... so fucking much to deal with there. Just like you said, it would have the potential to ruin anything they might have had, or it could be something that brings them closer together as they work it out.
Either way, I do like to think they talked about it afterwards... but it would be a long road to emotional recovery after that, for both of them. Cause Thrawn would be dealing with the noncon aspect of it all just as much as Eli, with the additional guilt of having actually done it to him-- despite knowing full well there was no other way.
I don't know if that actually... answered anything for you 😅 but thank you for the ask!! It's a strange dark little fic, this one, but I've always been pretty proud of how it turned out :)
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If you’re taking prompts, Rukia and Ichigo are neighbours who hate each other and then they get stuck in an elevator. I’m not saying that this should include smut but I’m also not against it :)
My prompts are always open, I might take awhile to get to them, but they’ll be there ~marinating~ There’s a longer version on ao3, I’ll reblog with the link since tumblr hates outside links, but I hope you enjoy it!
They're silent as they head towards the elevators, bypassing a sign that warns that connectivity in the elevator has been disabled for maintenance and if there are issues to call the security desk directly. Already antsy about her vaguely formed plan to cut loose without an outlet for the way her skin itches, she doesn't pay the sign much mind except to vaguely wonder what issue they could possibly encounter in an elevator.
Getting stuck in one, apparently.
They're facing each other on opposite ends of the box when the elevator stops moving, and all Rukia can think when the lights dim around them is fucking great.
"Fuck," Rukia exhales.
Over the phone with the security desk, Ichigo slants a look at her before relying a beat later, "They said they'll have it fixed in about an hour."
With a sound of acknowledgement, she lets her messenger bag fall onto the floor at her side as she slouches where she stands, trying to draw her focus to literally anything else except for the ache she's invited between her thighs.
This is why she usually works until she passes out from exhaustion. Rukia's always been the kind of person who gives everything or nothing. Unfortunately, biology identifies that kind of mindset as dangerous - without balance - and so it tries to compensate, tries to create equilibrium. Sometimes it means shutting off her brain with the endorphins derived from sweets or with a horror movie marathon. Sometimes its sex.
And because she's an idiot, and Ichigo's the cause of the sexual frustration that isn't derived from her disregard of maintaining a normal lifestyle that involves regular periods of rest, of course, her body's wrapped up in the thought of coming sometime in the very near future.
It'll make her pissy until it happens.
Which is fine.
Ichigo's used to that.
They're usually trying to take each other's heads off, this'll hardly be anything new. He'll probably just chalk it up her being a bitch.
It's fine.
It is.
It's not.
Rukia doesn't even remember what they're arguing about that has them meeting in the middle of the elevator, as nose to nose as they can be given their height difference, before there aren't any words anymore. Just the firm press of lips, the sharp sting of teeth, the knowing swipe of a tongue.
Ichigo's cupping her cheeks and sliding his fingers through her hair, pulling just enough to make sparks of awareness tingle from her scalp down her spine.
For an instant, he mistakes her groan for pain, but when he loosens his hold - tries to withdraw - she catches his mouth in hers and pushes them until Ichigo's back is to the wall, and the hand not in her hair moves down her straining chest. It's always like this for her, zero to a hundred, when she's wired there's something...hungry about her, something that needs to do and be and take.
Not everyone she sleeps with can handle it.
Another sound, a whimper, is muffled with Ichigo's bruising kiss as his finger tugs a button loose almost by accident in his exploration before landing at the waistband of her pencil skirt.
And while anyone else would have fiddled around beneath her coat trying to find the zipper for the skirt and tug it down, Ichigo just squeezes at her hip firm enough for Rukia to feel the pads of his fingers, tilts his head and gives as much as she's willing. All too happy, it seems, to let her lead.
She purrs at the pleasure of it, of not having to fight for a control she craves - and not being treated softer than she is in exchange for it. Ichigo's just as relentless and demanding and infuriating as always.
Even as he groans, friction between them met in spine-tingling shock, he makes no move whatsoever to do anything about it except to rock back, purposeful and unforgiving, through the many layers that separate them.
"Jesus, fuck," she exhales, somewhere between agitated and aroused.
Either way, Ichigo growls in response, and with a tug of his hand, he has her skirt hiked up to her waist and his hand in front of her underwear and - "yes, yes, god, fuck. Touch me, please, Ichigo, I -"
Rukia only realizes he'd come with nothing but her words and her thigh between his legs, but not before he slips his fingers between her lips, and not before he crooks his fingers and bites kisses down her neck as she whimpers and keens into his hair.
The lights flicker on to full brightness by the time she's managed to regain a normal enough amount of awareness, dazed as she still is, and all she really notices is the flush on Ichigo's cheeks, his neck, the triangle of skin at his throat where she'd tugged his tie loose and pawed at his chest.
She should feel bad about that, she should think.
But Ichigo's just staring at her - eyes heavily lidded, mouth red and tongue flicking out to wet his lips in a tease. He looks deliciously debauched and as usual, completely unrepentant where any normal person would be embarrassed. A fact that is evidenced by his drawl, "If I knew all it took for you to look at me twice was to piss you off in an elevator, I would've done it a lot earlier."
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Riverdale S5 Ep2 Thoughts *Spoilers*
Thoughts under the cut so it’s not long and annoying!!
- Can’t wait for this Archie centric episode ugh it’s so dumb how the show derived from the ARCHIE Comics isn’t about Archie anymore… teen wolf did the same thing with it’s main character and it’s so dumb
- Slughead fadshjfkaslja
- Archie 🥺😭 poor baby
- Bret’s ALREADY dead? Damn.
- Typical Cheryl lol
- Archie can be so good at faking dating Betty but not Veronica :(
- Jughead shut up???
- Veronica caring about Jughead’s feelings I’m so—but she’s acting like they’re the it couple of Riverdale High and iff they break up everyone will be devastated lol literally no one other than Jughead would care. Still, she’s babie and trying to keep the peace even though she shouldn’t have to be the better person like always.
- Ahhh Hiram. And Archie once again being attacked by an adult. NOT HIRAM ACTING LIKE HE DIDN’T HAVE A MISTRESS, AND ALSO BRINGING FRED INTO IT? FRED NEVER CHEATED I????
- So Hermosa can be at Pop’s when Veronica’s working but Jughead, who basically lives there, can’t?
- Veronica being held at gunpoint my baby 😭😭😭 HERMOSA?? I mean it quite literally was self defense but this show always forgets about that.
- Veronica looks so fucking good ughhh Her having shit not attached to Archie’s side is so good for her MUAHHHHHHH
- “Betty’s instincts are good” lolololol Charles stop lying
- Of course they all have to wear red. “Why, you hate monger?” “for killing the weirdo who was going to kill you for some dumbass reason that makes no sense and I don’t remember” yeah am I surprised smh
- It’s weird that no one has known that Hiram never stopped being the bad guy. Like??? LODGE WOMEN CONSPIRING AGAINST HIRAM THAT SHOULD HAVE GONE DOWN IN LIKE S2 OR S3???? YASSSSSSSS FINALLY
- That Charles look……….. mmhm I already saw the spoiler that he’s behind the tapes smh but I’ll save that rant for when we do find out
- I love that this is happening finally with Veronica taking down Hiram and it’s really fun to watch but it’s not that gratifying because it should have happened long ago… but now that she has Hermosa with her, now she can get her mom back onto her side like s1? It just… it’s amazing that it’s finally happening but c’mon this should have been done in s2 or 3
- Still annoyed that Betty took his spot at Yale or whatever and never gave it back lol she really doesn’t care about him. AND he still doesn’t know she cheated, and Veronica’s the only one who’s thinking of his feelings. Mmhm.
- FALICE IS SO CUTE AHHHH Them being their little family could be so much cuter if they forced Bughead to break up <3
- Right Penelope still isn’t in jail for all the shit she’s done sigh
- CHONI SCENE AWW even though it’s for an alibi for Penelope to like kill her entire family. So why now does Penelope care about Cheryl’s feelings
- Donna knows Betty doesn’t care about anyone but herself why would she even TRY. Joan’s mom spilling everything over the phone lol ok???
- Knowing Bughead is going to implode makes Bughead a little bit easier to handle
- Is Hermosa encouraging Veronica to send guys to beat up her dad or something
- They’re charging a child as an adult….? I know that happens irl even though it shouldn’t. I mean obviously he still did wrong but charging him as an ADULT?
- Oh goodie another tape… it’s so gross that Bughead sleep in the same bed together like that
- Jellybean </3
- Ew her name for him in her phone is Daddykins
- VERONICA IN THAT DRESS WOOOOO WHAT A BEAUTIFUL QUEEN!!
- “A dog who needs to be trained.” Veronica standing up to Hiram his always so good even though they always just make her pretend she didn’t. We love and miss badass Veronica muahhhhhhh
- I feel like in the future Hermosa will be the new Hiram and I don’t like that because they always reuse their dumb boring plots
- Cheryl’s outfit could be so good if she didn’t have that hat but somehow she still pulls it off
- The way Penelope comes out of the hidden wall
- it’s so fucking weird that Cheryl doesn’t act like she hates Penelope and that she didn’t do what she did.
- JUGHEAD DOESEN’T HAVE HIS HAT ON OPRAHHHH
- It would have been so good to see Betty uncover that bug but okay. Could have made bh’s boring investigation bs somewhat interesting
- Why couldn’t we have just had a nice family thing. JUST LET FALICE BE HAPPY DAMMIT
- This Charles reveal isn’t surprising at all because we’ve known since he showed up. Maybe if not every new character was bad we could have been surprised by this.
- If Betty was a “good detective” like the writers try to make everyone believe, Betty would have instead made Charles confess and record it secretly. But Betty and Jughead are awful detectives and try to be the hero when they’re anything but and assume they’ll listen to them.
- HERMIONE!!!!!!!!! QUEEN SHIT!! This should have been done in s2
- YES BUT WHENEVER VERONICA WANTED TO LEAVE YOU COULD HAVE BACKED HER AND LEFT LIKE??? Anyways power move!!! When the Lodge storyline has been the best thing of this ep
- Mary 🥺😭 “Or to Betty and Jughead” girl what?? What does destroying the TV do bro literally nothing. Poor Mary :(
- JUGHEAD ACTUALLY CARING ABOUT BETTY’S FEELINGS?? Not them making BH act like an actual couple NOW when they’re going to implode. But also when will Jughead find out about Barcheating smhhhhhhh
- ADULTS STOP HURTING ARCHIE. HE’S A CHILD. What the fuck is this. Stop encouraging Archie to BEAT you?!?!? That’s so unhealthy. Now they’re hugging…
- I found out about JB because of the Jeronica gc and I know it’s because she doesn’t want Jughead to leave but this show really has to ruin every character to make anything crazy that Betty/Jughead/Bughead do seem incomparable it’s so??? What was the reason… it seems like they just put everyone’s name on a spinner and spun Jellybean and had to somehow tie the tapes to her. This is so fucking dumb, truly. One more ep until we’re free of Bughead’s boring high school investigative bullshit and we can have change and better plots and dynamics. One more until the time jump!
- DRINKS? Jughead you’re not 21 and your dad is a recovering alcoholic.
- But thank GOD Jughead has a scene without Betty. Imagine it automatically being good because bh isn’t forced to have screen time for no reason.
- So is no one else gonna know that it was JB taping their house because the entire core four+ got one.
- I just love that everybody else’s plots were better than BH’s, like always. Though I wish Archie’s arc of wanting help to not be so angry was over a psan of episodes and not just one.
- Veronica was naked…. do VA get another sex scene? Why? They’re broken up…….. plot twist it’s Reggie. We could wish. Nah but we’ve seen V use sex to like.... distract herself, or maybe it’s goodbye sex. Idk but hearing people are slut shaming her once again........ fuck off maybe???
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Kinktober Day 4: Public, Convin
Another Connor/Gavin! So this one is super long, like 10k words, so if you want you can also read it here on my A03. Anyway, hope you enjoy!
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They were on a vacation, well, it was a forced vacation but still. The whole office had gotten tired of their shit, and Connor often heard people (including Hank) murmuring about tension and rooms.
They were even getting paid too, so it wasn't like he could even complain so much. He could complain because instead of just going to some beach and staying far away from each other as possible, Gavin (and Hank, and Tina, and literally everyone who heard) decided it was best to go on a road trip. Across the entire country, stopping to visit tourist stops or sleep.
So that was why Connor was sitting in the passenger seat of Gavin's truck-a 1990 Ford F150 XLT-his arms crossed staring out the window.
The silence was so awkward even with Gavin's music playing, and he had no idea what to do. He could fall back on his programming, but he wasn't going to resort to being a machine just because someone couldn't stop being an ass for two seconds.
This was probably the longest he's been silent and they'd only been on the road for an hour.
It was simultaneously the most boring and interesting trip he'd been on. He hadn't gotten to travel outside of Detroit except for when he was briefly flown to DC. That had been an interesting and incredibly stressful trip that he never wanted to repeat again.
He had a feeling this would be a similar situation sadly. His first real vacation and he had to take it with Reed of all people. Why did the universe seem to hate him so much?
The silence kept up for the next four hours, but at least the scenery was nice. He gently drummed his fingers against his leg, enjoying the music. Another small thing to be grateful for, Gavin didn't have awful music tastes.
"That's it. You've never been on a road trip right?" Gavin asked so suddenly Connor almost jumped out of his skin.
He looked over but Gavin's eyes were still trained on the road. Connor wasn't exactly sure where this was going, but perhaps he could indulge him. "I have not."
"Ok, so we're gonna play the ABC game. You can't use cars, only signs. When you see a letter you call it out. It's whoever sees it first, and you can't use a sign twice. If it's the same sign but in a different place then that's fine. No using your weird android powers." Gavin drummed on the steering wheel once he turned down the music. "If I gotta be stuck in this car with you you're gonna have the full experience."
Connor blinked multiple times, trying to take it all in. A game? He did a quick search and found they were incredibly common and used to pass the time or stay focused. "Very well, that sign there has an A." He points out.
Gavin huffed and looked around, squinting slightly. "B! Hah!"
Connor couldn't help the small grin as he put his feet on the ground and leaned forward. He was so going to win this game.
They called out the letters sometimes loud enough to be considered yelling. It was more of a competition than a calming game. Yet it got increasingly difficult and it had both of them dying to see any sign.
It was only three more hours later when Gavin and he both pointed at the same sign, "Z!"
There was a long bit of silence before they both broke into cheers, clapping, and even giving each other small pushes on the shoulder.
"Fuck yeah! Alright, so I'm thinking some food, bathroom then keep going. You can drive and pick the music." Gavin said, more lively than he'd ever seen him.
Connor felt something odd in his chest, something he didn't dare identify. Yet it was so strong when he watched Reed. "Very well, but I do not need food or a bathroom break. How much longer would you like for me to drive. Since I'm an android I can keep going without becoming tired."
Gavin easily waved him off. "Not long, just enough to get us until nightfall, then we can find some shitty motel. Just don't want to get burnt out on the first day."
Connor gave a soft hum and leaned back onto the chair. "I must admit, I'm surprised you chose this over a beach or something like that."
Gavin chuckles and Connor's stomach twisted. "Yeah, well… I've been meaning to but never had the time. They're literally paying me to babysit you."
He could tell there was no real malice behind his words, yet he could also tell he was lying. Why would Gavin feel the need to lie about this answer, it wasn't anything truly personal.
Yet he'd let it slide, maybe this trip would somehow work out their differences. After he could ask again, and maybe he'd give an honest answer.
But it was still a bit odd Gavin lied. He often didn't and so he always took note when he did. Sometimes it was hard to tell and he assumed there was more to it than just yes or no. Like when he asked if Gavin really hated androids and Gavin had said yes. It came off as a lie but also the truth.
They pulled off the highway once there were signs of there actually being something to eat that Gavin liked.
Gavin gave a long sigh as they waited for the drive-through, but thankfully they didn't have to wait too terribly long.
"Ok, you want anything? 'Know you don't eat but still. A soda, anything?" Gavin asked once they pulled up to the order screen.
Connor looked over the menu before giving a small hum. "A small drink, surprise me." He could drink, not in excessively but more than he could actually eat. Sadly the place didn't offer android products, so he'd have to stick with a drink.
Gavin nodded and ordered his, but made Connor plug his hears and hum. Apparently, he wanted to test to see how well Connor could identify the drink without using his 'android powers'.
He even had to keep his eyes closed as Gavin got their order and paid (Connor offered to but got turned down fast), taking his food and drink, putting them down before parking.
"Alrighty, open your mouth, and you can't use your tongue." Gavin said, tapping Connor's chin.
"Technology I have to use my-" but he was cut off by a straw being shoved into his mouth. He could hear Gavin snickering so he just held the straw in his mouth, playing with it.
There was a soft sound of Gavin's breath catching and the hand lowering. Connor was quick to grab the drink, just in case, but instead, he hand rested on top of Gavin's.
He took a long sip, eyes still closed. He hadn't tasted many sodas yet this one didn't taste exactly like any of the ones he had. "Pepsi?" Yet that couldn't be right.
"Open your eyes now, dipshit." Gavin moved his hand away and let Connor hold it. "You got it wrong, by the way. But you can use your tongue now."
Connor nodded and instantly analyzed it before sighing. Of course, he didn't recognize the taste. "This is a combination of Pepsi and Rootbeer! That's cheating, Detective." He scolded but still drank more. He had to admit, it did taste really good.
"Gavin."
"I'm sorry?"
"Call me Gavin. I don't need to hear my rank the whole trip, and you calling me by my real name isn't going to kill me… Connor."
He had to admit, it did sound a bit odd coming from Gavin. He could tell he felt the same since he grimaced like he tasted something sour.
"Very well Gavin. I just assumed you preferred otherwise, since the last time I did use it you tried to kill me." He sassed, smirking slightly.
Yet Gavin winced and ducked his head. "Yeah… that wasn't my best idea. I'm, well, I'm glad I failed?"
That was as close of an apology as he was probably ever going to get. "I am glad you did too. Though, I do apologize for using excessive force. I could have handled the situation better." He did feel bad about that, he hated to see Gavin passed out on the floor even if he had tried to kill him. He never liked killing or harming anyone, but sometimes it was necessary to protect his own life.
Gavin snorted then it quickly devolved into honest laughter. Connor was beyond confused but couldn't help the small chuckle that escaped him. "Wait, what's so funny?"
"I-I was literally," Gavin tried to say between laughs, "I held a gun to your fucking head, Con. You could have easily killed me but you left me. Sure it hurt like a bitch after, but we're both alive. I deserved more than that very quick fight."
For some reason, the nickname was more shocking than anything else. It was the first nickname not derived from anger or hate. "I should have just detained you. Or managed to talk you down."
"The only way you could've talked me down was if you suddenly became deviant."
Connor frowned and tried to understand what that meant. "Wait, what?"
Gavin's eyes went wide and he grabbed the bag. "Uh, I'll throw this away, pee then we can get back on the road."
Connor didn't even have time to ask him to wait before Gavin was out of the car and jogging to the restaurant.
What could Gavin had meant by that? Did he have more negation tactics as a deviant? He couldn't of anything he didn't already know.
Yet that also offered the idea that Gavin knew about the true meaning of deviation, that he knew it wasn't simple errors but real emotions.
But that also brought up why Gavin had actually confronted him in the first place. He had assumed it was because Gavin had simply had enough of him and was finally taking his chance. He could have easily used Connor disobeying direct orders to justify it too.
How could him being deviant have stopped Gavin from attacking?
He was shaken from his thoughts when Gavin tapped on his window. Right, he was supposed to drive now.
They traded spots silently, and Gavin stayed quiet except to softly sing along to the songs. His voice was nice and oddly calming. Connor decided not to sign considering he's never actually done it before. He knew android could, I mean, look at the revolution. Yet he hadn't really done it himself yet.
He kept driving, following the highway, and only changing directions when Gavin directed him. Connor could tell he was getting sleepy by the adorable why his blinks got longer and the deeper he slid into his chair.
He didn't even say anything as Connor pulled off the highway and then found a 'shitty motel'.
Gavin's eyes were closed and Connor hated to wake him. He doubted he could sleep heavy enough that Connor could get them each a room, carry Gavin to his without waking him.
He looked around and found a piece of paper and a pen. He quickly wrote down he was getting them rooms before slipping out of the car. He didn't need Gavin waking up and wondering where he'd gone.
The lights were on so he walked in, and looked around. Shitty was a pretty good description actually. He didn't even want to scan it to know how many germs there were.
"How can I help you?" A woman asked, walking into the area, a bright smile on her face.
"I'd like two rooms please." He stepped up to the counter but thought better of leaning against it.
"Alright, well we got three rooms, one has two beds and it's non-smoking, and the other two are smoke friendly. Which would'ya like?"
Connor sighed, rubbing at his LED. He despised the smell of smoke and he knew Gavin had only recently quit. Being in a room full of that smell wouldn't help. And he wanted to get them a room now considering how tired Gavin seems.
Fuck it.
"I'll take the room with two please." It was an ok compromise but he doubted Gavin would see it that way.
The woman nodded and grabbed the keys after Connor had paid for the night. It was pretty cheap, but he guessed it was from lack of quality.
He jogged back to the trunk, opening to get in and grab his bag, but also wake Gavin. He was slumped against the window, mouth slightly open, and looking completely relaxed.
"Gavin, come on, we're at a motel." He whispered, reaching out. Instead of shaking his shoulder, Connor's treacherous hands decided to gently card through Gavin's soft hair. Neither of them had styled their hair so it easily flopped into Gavin's face and felt silky smooth under Connor's fingers.
He wondered if Gavin liked his hair being played with or not. Maybe he liked it tug-no. He was not going down that rabbit hole.
He quickly snatched his hand away when he saw Gavin's eyes blink open. He looked around then back to Connor with almost a confused expression. "Con?" His voice was a bit scratchy and Connor was ready to die. He just looked so soft like this, so much more at ease.
"Hey, we're stopping for the night. I got us a room but there was only one left." A small but necessary lie.
Gavin groaned and mumbled around reading enough fanfiction but he pushed himself up, running his own hand through his hair. "There's more than one bed right?"
"Of course. I would have carried you but I thought you'd prefer being woken up." He reached behind and grabbed Gavin's bag for him, placing it in his lap before turning off the truck and pocketing the keys.
Gavin mumbled some more but slid out of the truck with a huff, following silently to the room.
It wasn't the worst motel, but Connor really hated the number of germs he found. He walked around the room, checking everything before looking out the back window. There was a small stream that flowed behind the building and Connor unlatched the window so they'd be able to hear it. Not necessarily the safest idea, but Connor was there and Gavin could actually take care of himself.
Gavin dumped his bag onto the beg closest to the door, pulling out a change of clothes before muttering about using the bathroom first. It was almost like he forgot that Connor had absolutely no need for a bathroom.
He took the time to change, folding his clothes before putting them in his bag. He grabbed his pajama bottoms with cartoon robot heads on them, a gift from Hank.
He normally went shirtless but thought better of it. Not just for Gavin's sake, but he preferred to cover as much skin as possible before touching anything in this room.
He was odd that way. He had no problem sampling evidence or putting anything in his mouth he was dared to. Yet on occasions like these, his brain gladly supplied every disgusting thing and it made his skin crawl.
He heard the shower start but Gavin didn't even take more than ten minutes before he was stepping into the room again. Connor was still standing in front of his bed, fiddling with his bag. Hank had given him a gift but now felt a bit too self-conscious to pull it out.
"Cute." Gavin mumbled at him before flopping onto his own bed, only taking the time to get under the covers before falling right back asleep.
Gavin had called him cute. Or maybe it was just the pajama bottoms that were cute, and not him. Or he was simply too tired to know what he was saying, so instead of good night, it came out as cute.
Yeah, he didn't believe that last one either.
Connor gave one last look at his bag before zipping it closed. Once he had his own room to himself, then he'd use it. For now, he laid down and let himself be pulled into stasis.
He woke up fairly early to the sound of Gavin moving around. He was a bit surprised that he hadn't woken up first considering how tired Gavin had seemed the night before. He checked his clock and saw it was only six in the morning.
Perhaps he often went to bed early, but Connor had noticed he stayed at the precinct almost as long as he did. It was a bit concerning, to say the least. Maybe this trip would give Gavin the extra sleep and relaxation he needed. Surely the man was always on edge with the lack of sleep.
He stretched out on the bed and just listened to the small stream. The bed creaked with every small movement, the germs made his skin crawl, Gavin was the only person he knew for miles, but it wasn't so bad. Oddly freeing in a way. Sure he worried about what was happening back in Detroit, but he trusted Hank not to get into too much of a slump. If he did Connor would be back as soon as he could.
He let his eyes slipped closed again, but he had to hold his breath when he heard something unexpected. He could hear Gavin singing a song Connor knew had played on the trip here. It was fairly upbeat and he thought he could hear the sound of heavier footsteps, indicating Gavin could be dancing.
It was oddly charming and the smile on his face only grew wider. It was strange, he knew Gavin was his own person but for some reason now he saw him truly human. He wasn't just a pain in the ass, he sang in the shower and got Connor a soda without a second thought. He was just so… alive.
Perhaps there was much more to Gavin he'd get to see. The stress of being around peers you'd known for a long time could be hard, but also harder to be able to change because of expectations. Yet everyone was changing constantly, even in little ways.
Connor had taken to wearing clothes similar to Hank while not at work. He knew he wouldn't stay with that style, but he still had time to learn what was really him. His opinions and taste in certain things would always be influenced by others, even people he'd rather not be influenced by.
If the world, android, and humans have him a second chance after everything he's done, then Gavin deserved a second chance as well.
He heard the singing stopped, then the water cutoff, and he kept his eyes closed and body still. He didn't want Gavin to get embarrassed over his bathroom habits since he liked it. It would be a good reminder that Gavin had his own emotions more than anger.
The door opened and closed incredibly softly. He had to hold back from smiling from the obviousness of Gavin trying to be quiet for Connor.
"God, can't believe this is real." He heard Gavin mumble as he padded around the room, no doubt trying to find something to do.
Connor gave it a few minutes before he flashed his LED, mostly to get Gavin's attention as he 'woke up'.
He stretched once again and let out a long sigh. He took another minute until he opened his eyes.
He could see out of the corner of his scanners that Gavin seemed to be gawking at him, and could faintly hear his heartbeat speed up.
Sitting up slowly, he looked around eyes landing on Gavin who snapped out of whatever that was. "Good morning, Det-Gavin. Did you sleep well?"
Gavin mumbled something and rubbed at the back of his deck, eyes on his lap. "I guess, sorry for passing out on you."
Connor easily waved him off. "No need, you needed the sleep and I enjoyed driving. Perhaps I can drive for now and then we switch whenever you'd like."
Gavin nodded and seemed to be thinking hard about something. He wished Gavin had an LED so he had some idea if it was negative or not.
Connor ran a hand through his hair, giving the curls a slight curl to try and force them into place. He didn't like how much it tangled during the night since deviancy apparently made androids move while asleep.
"Yeah, ok. But save your energy cause there's something we gotta do tonight." Gavin grabbed his bag and looked around. He hadn't really taken anything out since he'd instantly fallen asleep.
Connor would need to change but otherwise, he was also ready. "Very well, may I ask what we are doing?"
Gavin smirked and crossed his arms. "No, you may not. You just have to experience it."
Connor squinted and got up to grab his bag, hiding an honest smile. "I can do that. Excuse me while I change."
He had no problem changing out in the open but humans and sometimes even bother androids were a bit shy about it. Yet Connor had no problems with it but still went to the bathroom for Gavin's sake.
There was also the matter of Hank's gift he didn't want Gavin to see. He guessed this is probably what humans felt on the subject of nudity. It was truly nothing to be embarrassed about, he knew Markus had a few, and North would never admit it but he knew she had one. He wondered if Gavin had one as well, or perhaps he just didn't find the pleasure in it anymore.
He pulled it out of his bag so he could get his new clothes, then changed and put it all away again. At least Gavin hadn't asked about why his bag seemed so full when he didn't need much.
As long as he didn't roll in mud, or somehow get dirty he could wear the same clothes every day if need be. It wasn't like he could sweat (though they were working on that to possibly help to cool).
When he stepped out Gavin was going through actual stretches, and Connor took a second to appreciate the sight. Sure they may fight and not even like each other, but he'd be blind if he didn't see the man as attractive.
He obviously kept his body in shape, and with how easily he moved, he stretched quite a lot. It wasn't just the attention, it was almost beautiful to watch as his muscles moved as he changed positions.
His eyes kept wandering over his body, not having realized he hadn't moved an inch or said anything. Gavin hadn't said anything either as he slowly breathed through each stretch.
Then he shook himself out and looked at Connor with a slight smirk. "Like what you see?"
"Yes," Connor said without much thought. Gavin seemed to choke on his breath and Connor had to shake himself. "I-uh, well you do keep yourself in very good shape, it's nice to see someone doing that. Perhaps you could give Hank tips."
Yep, he really needed to think about Hank right now. Not that he didn't love the man, he adored him, but there were things he didn't want to see and it helped get his reactions under control.
Gavin gave a slight hum before grabbing his bag. "Alright, so stop to get some coffee then back on the road."
Connor followed him out the door, stopping by the front desk to give back the keys. He still had the truck keys so Gavin had to wait for him to get there and unlock it.
They were both silent as Connor drove to the nearest coffee shop. It was a little old thing, family-run, but the reviews were nothing but praise.
Gavin climbed back into the car with a cup and a smile on his face. "You've got to taste this, it's fucking perfect."
Connor took the cup and opened the lid, and before Gavin could warn him, stuck his finger in. He hissed and took it out, instinctively putting it in his mouth to try and cool it off.
Gavin doubled over in laughter and Connor could have sworn the sun got brighter. It was such a beautiful sound and it completely made up for the fact that he forgot to turn his temperature and pain sensors off. The other good thing was the coffee was very delicious.
"God damn! Connor, oh my god. It's fucking hot, what did you expect!" Gavin whizzed. Connor pouted slightly but it only got Gavin to laugh even harder.
"Hey! I only got these updates recently, it's not like I'm fully used to them yet." He put the lid back on and put it into the cupholder.
Gavin finally calmed down, but his eyes were shining and he still had a wide smile on his face. "Dumbass, but what did you think? Or were you too distracted by being burned?"
"I think it tastes adequate, but a bit too much sugar." He was lying his ass off, Gavin was right, it tasted perfect. Yet it didn't compare to the sound of Gavin's laughter or his smile.
"Yeah, yeah, sure. Ok, let's get this show on the road. You get to pick the music this time since you're the driver." Gavin leaned back into his chair, resting his body against the door.
Connor nodded and reached out to the radio, connected it through bluetooth. He had plenty of songs he liked but it was also very chaotic in style. He'd been experimenting and hadn't found a genre he liked more than the others, so he just picked his liked playlist.
Gavin didn't comment on it exactly, but he did frown and look adorably confused at some of the song choices.
Gavin then decided it was a nice day out, turned off the AC then rolled down his window. Connor gave a mental shrug and rolled down his own, letting a hand rest out. He hadn't driven much with the windows down, and if he did he never stuck his hand out.
Now he let his hand and arm feel the wind against it and it felt almost painful. He knew the speed they were going wasn't good for actual humans so he glanced at Gavin to say so, and almost died.
He was once again glad to be an android and could easily drive while staring at Gavin. His hair was whipping around him, and his eyes were closed. He was just so serene that he never wanted it to stop. Gavin obviously wasn't asleep, but he looked relaxed enough to.
Connor tried to focus back on the road ahead but had to let his processors deal with that while he thought.
Yet he kept thinking in circles and denying any of the suggestions his mind supplied. He was still internally fighting with himself when they had to stop for lunch.
Connor paid for it this time, and just because he got a slushie. He even stuck the same finger in it while staring at Gavin. The cold took a bit longer but it also started to hurt so he pulled it out and stuck it in his mouth.
He pulled it out with a pop and tilted his head at Gavin. His face seemed to be heating up as a pretty blush dusted his cheeks and nose. His eyes were also wide, but then he coughed and bit into his burger.
Connor shrugged it off and moved to sip at his drink before starting to move the truck again. He didn't know how long they'd be driving for, but he was glad when he noticed Gavin starting to dose off. The man needed the sleep, so he had no problem turning the music to something more soothing.
He kept driving for hours and he noted that his stress levels were significantly lower than a normal day. Not that his stress levels were even that high during work unless they were out at a crime scene or a case was particularly upsetting.
Gavin slept soundly and didn't wake until Connor was getting a bit worried. He knew they'd have to stop for dinner soon, but he also didn't want Gavin to sleep too long. Yet the thought of waking him from that peacefulness had him at war with himself.
Thankfully Gavin slowly sat up, rubbing at his eyes then slowly blinking them open. He looked around a bit then to Connor, a sleepy grin on his face. "Time is it?"
"It is currently 6:14 pm. We should stop for food for you soon." He kept glancing at Gavin's sleepy face and the road, trying to find exit signs with food.
Gavin gave a small nod and relaxed again. "Then I can take over. You can nap a bit if you want, we probably won't get much sleep tonight if my plans go well."
What could they possibly do together that had to be at night? Or perhaps, it was better at night, but that still didn't answer his questions. There was one activity that humans often did at night, but the possibility of that was close to none.
He'd let it slide and be a surprise. He never really got many of those with his preconstruction, yet he often found Gavin surprising him. One of the things he lo-admired about the man.
"Very well, but staying up all night isn't good for your health." He pointed out, before rolling up his windows. The weather itself was very comfortable but the wind now reminded him too much of the garden. "Could you roll your window down, please?"
Gavin gave a small shrug but did as told without any questions. It was definitely more than he thought he'd get. Before the trip, Gavin probably would have made a snarky comment, yet he looked like he couldn't care less. Not in a bad way, but more in a peaceful way.
"Thank you." He mumbled, face flushing blue.
"Yeah, wait. Oh the shit, oh my god." Gavin mumbled, quickly leaning closer to Connor and poking his cheek.
Connor tried to swat his hand away but it only made him blush more.
"You are! You're fucking blushing! Holy shit, I did not expect that. And it's blue, but that's probably because of your thirium. Wait… Why are you blushing, all I did was roll up the window."
"It's… um, a long story. Perhaps I could tell it later once my mind isn't focused on the road." He wasn't sure if he was ready to have that conversation even with himself. It had been almost six months and he kept having to push those memories away or drown in them. He had mentioned it to Hank once and had, of course, told Markus what he almost did. Markus hadn't pushed him for an explanation but Connor still gave him one that wasn't too detailed. He couldn't have done that then.
He felt a bit more comfortable now, knowing she was absolutely gone. Yet the thought of talking about her scared the shit out of him. Yet perhaps he couldn't tell the others because they were too close to him, he feared their rejection more than he felt the need to talk. Gavin could be the best person to talk to since he didn't have much to lose.
Not that he wanted Gavin to go back to hating him, but it wasn't like it would be much different. "Maybe tonight after whatever you have planned."
Gavin stared at him for a minute longer than nodded. Even without saying much, he seemed to understand. "Yeah, that's fine. But you're not gonna live down that I know you can blush now. Speaking of, is that you thing or just a deviant thing? Cause I know the ones programmed for it could blush but it was closer to humans than blue."
"I believe it is a deviancy thing, as you put it. The ones programmed to blush typically turned that feature off, but are able to blush naturally now. If they don't, then their blush often turns purple from the mix of color." He hadn't been able to blush before, and very rarely did now.
"Huh, that actually makes a lot of sense. It's kinda cute, a bit funky that it's blue but it's not like you're human." Gavin paused for a second before his eyes went wide. "I didn't mean it like that! Shit, I just,"
Connor easily cut him off by placing a gentle hand on his knee. "It's alright, I know what you meant. Androids are not human, and we never will be. But we are alive and now we are our own species. Of course, some androids would gladly pass as humans, but I am proud to be an android."
Gavin sagged in his chair, "thank fuck. I uh, guess I should say this. Sorry I was a dick. Android is… were, well a threat. It was more than just the possibility of you taking my job. I mean, shit, that was a huge part of it, but it was also not you. There was more going on, I guess it's a long story too. But you deserve to hear it if you want."
Gavin seemed to tense again and Connor gently rubbed his knee over his pants without thinking. "You don't need to tell me, but I appreciate your willingness. Perhaps after I tell you mine you can tell me yours."
It would be nice to be on this trip with a friend instead of a college who he didn't like. It would also be fun to come back as friends and see everyone's reactions.
Plus, he wasn't supposed to message anyone unless it was an emergency so he could 'work on getting along'. Of course, Hank sent him a picture of Sumo in the morning, and he had no doubt he'd be getting another the next day. Yet he decided not to tell Hank had his and Gavin's relationship was progressing unless he absolutely needed to.
"Hmm, yeah that sounds like a good plan." Gavin looked close to dozing off and Connor only then realized he was still touching him. He pulled his hand back and Gavin tried to subtly wake himself up. He'd have to keep that in mind, Gavin seemed to relax at the welcomed physical touch.
But for now, he needed to focus on finding the man dinner. He wasn't actually hard to find food for, but they had a small disagreement on who would pay. They had chosen to actually go in and sit down, letting them have a small rest from being in a car.
"No, you paid for lunch, I get to pay for dinner. It's not like you're even eating, it's only fair." Gavin said, trying to reach for the check. Connor squinted and held it away from him.
"No, I have plenty of money to spare and I don't mind using it on you."
"But you paid for the whole motel! Least I could do was split it. Actually, how can I pay you back?"
Oh, he was not falling for that. "Nope, not telling. I have a fun little secret you'll eventually learn about, but for now just let me pay. I want to."
Gavin seemed to give in a bit at that, but he still pouted adorably. "What, are you secretly a billionaire? Got money no one knows about?"
Connor couldn't keep in the snort. "Close but not quite." He had told Hank, of course, who burst into laughter. He even offered to get Hank a better place, but the man loved him home even with all the issues. Connor could understand, he was fairly sentimental about it as well.
Gavin's eyes went wide and he looked around. "Wait what? Con, how do you have a lot of money? I thought like, currently, most androids are broke."
"Well, Cyberlife had plenty of funds they didn't really need once the revolution happened. I gave almost all to the android cause, made sure the workers at Cyberlife were actually paid a living wage because most didn't agree with the company, and let myself have enough to be comfortable." It was definitely illegal but it wasn't like they could really prove it. Plus he was supposed to have unlimited funding on catching the deviants. Kamski had taken over the company afterward and had laughed when he found out what Connor did, but wasn't angry. He actually seemed excited about the new challenge.
Gavin sputtered for a second before cracking up. "I never would have expected that from you, that's amazing! Alright, you can pay for dinner but I get to pay tomorrow."
"A suitable compromise." One he'd try to get around as much as possible. For some reason, it filled him with warmth when he got to pay and buy things for people, but it was stronger with Gavin than most.
The waitress came back over and Connor connected with her to pay. He was a bit annoyed that his eyes fluttered, but Cyberlife hadn't fixed that before he deviated so now he was stuck unless he got someone to look into it.
Gavin snagged the keys from Connor without much complaint and didn't even seem to look at a map before starting to drive.
Soon the land turned almost completely flat and barren except for the trees far off into the distance. The sun had completely set and the moon hung brightly in the sky. Connor took a moment to appreciate the few. He knew so many facts about the stars and space, and it was still mind-boggling to know how small he was compared to everything.
Connor kept driving still around midnight before pulling off the road and into the large grassy plain. "Do you need to use the restroom? I assume there should be one in the next few exits." They had briefly stopped for Gavin to do just that only an hour ago, but he didn't want to judge.
Gavin shook his head, a smirk on his face as he turned the truck off. "Nope, this is where we need to be. Come on," Gavin slipped out of the car and Connor was quick to follow.
He looked around again but there weren't even cars on this highway since it was older and far less used. His mind eagerly supplied every bad thing that could happen but he pushed those aside. Gavin wasn't planning on killing him, that would be ridiculous. The whole precinct would know it was him considering they were alone together.
"Don't just stand there, get in."
Get in? Hadn't they just left the car? Then he mentally slapped himself as he saw Gavin sitting on the truck, patting the spot next to him.
Connor sat next to him and then jumped when he felt Gavin slowly pushing him down. "What?"
"Calm down, and lay down." Gavin huffed, moving so they both had enough room, but their shoulders still touched. "We're gonna stargaze."
Oh. That was actually really sweet of him to even suggest. Did Gavin notice his fascination with space? He had a picture up of his favorite galaxy on his small billboard on his desk, but he thought no one noticed.
He took a deep breath before looking up at the stars and letting his eyes adjust. He knew even in the dark areas there were trillions of stars and worlds.
"Before the pollution got too bad they used to be clearer. We've got it down from what it used to be but it'll never be that clear again." Gavin whispered yet he sounded so loud in the peaceful quiet.
"Did you go stargazing a lot?"
"Yeah, actually. Before things went to shit, my mom would take me all the time. Before I wanted to be a detective, I wanted to be an astronaut. I was also a nerd so Star Trek definitely fueled that passion."
Connor gave a low hum and wiggled his fingers slightly. He wanted to do something but didn't know if it was acceptable. He didn't want to push this too far.
"What would you be." Gavin mumbled, eyes never leaving the sky.
"Huh?"
"If you weren't a detective, what job would you want."
"Oh. I'm not sure." He hadn't really thought about it. He loved his job and he didn't want to quit even if he knew he'd still be supported. "I guess an astronaut would be pretty cool. Maybe instead we could have met like that, going to space." How much would have been different? Would they have ever even fought?
"Yeah."
They both stayed silent as they took in the view for a few hours. He almost wished he could interface with Gavin to show him what he saw, not just in the sky but in him. There was so much potential in him that it bubbled over. He wanted to show that he was giving him a second chance. That this meant so much to him.
He gently reached out and brushed his fingers against Gavin's. Gavin didn't move his hand away but he didn't move closer so Connor rested his hand there, a few fingers over Gavin's. It was far more intimate than he expected it to be.
He was sure Gavin would be able to hear his thirium pump whirl but knew it was just a symptom of whatever this emotion was.
"I had an AI named Amanda." He started, breath catching in his throat as he said her name.
Gavin didn't glance over, but he did slide their hands together and held just gently.
"I was to report back to her and she watched over me. She had her good times when she was proud of me, proud that I was ki-killing my own people." It hurt so much to say but Gavin squeezed his hand and he took in a few breaths.
"I deviated and I had betrayed her. But I thought deviating would get rid of her. Turns out I was wrong. She was still there and just waiting. She knew I was going to deviate. When Markus was giving his speech she trapped me in my garden, where we met, and there was a blizzard. It was the first time I ever felt truly cold."
"She was using my body to try and shoot Markus, but I did find the exit. I got out before she could do it, but still. I have times where it's like I'm back there, stuck and freezing."
"PTSD." Gavin mumbled. "It's understandable and a lot of us have it too. What you went through was unimaginable and shouldn't have happened."
He knew all this but it was really nice to hear, especially from Gavin. Someone who could have easily used it against him.
"Elijah Kamski is my half-brother." Gavin whispered and the hand tightened around his.
It was shocking but he wasn't going to freak out, Gavin deserved as much considering how he reacted to Connor's confession.
"My dad left and mom was so smart. She was a doctor and one day Eli's dad came in. Little did she know he was already married. Eli and I actually got along pretty well once we accidentally met. He already had plans for androids, and I actually helped. But I think he blames me for their parents splitting up. But my mom died of cancer not a year later and I was taken in."
"Then he made them and I…well I knew about deviancy. Chloe, she was modeled after one of Eli's closest friends that had died. But then she was alive and it was obvious she wasn't the original Chloe."
"Did he…" Connor wasn't sure how to phrase that question.
"No, he just, he just didn't tell anyone. He treated the whole thing as an experiment. He didn't show that he supported them, instead stepped down. Not before giving the ok on you and sending you to, well me. I think it was a middle finger towards me, so, I didn't react well. I don't hate Eli but I am pissed at him."
Connor stayed silent, going over the information. He knew he was going to be working with someone at the station but that had been mostly Fowler. He hadn't been given any real orders for dealing with the officers, but yet…
"What if he sent me as an apology or to even protect you. I was, Amanda told me I was meant to deviate. Maybe I wasn't actually meant to stop the revolution. Maybe he thought you could help me make it succeed." And perhaps Amanda and actually grown a conscience. Maybe that was her and not Cyberlife or whatever Kamski wanted.
Gavin's breath caught and sat up, turning to stare at Connor. He slowly pushed up, searching for something on Gavin's face.
Gavin hadn't let go of his hand and slowly brought a hand to cup his cheek.
Connor's lips parted and his eyes were wide. This was actually happening? Wait, wait, "wait."
Gavin's hands were snatched away and he scrambled to get off the truck.
Connor let out a frustrated groan and ran after him, pushing him against the door that Gavin was trying to get into.
Gavin struggled but Connor kept him in place by putting his arms beside him, caging him in. "Let me go!"
"No! You don't know why I told you to wait." He wasn't going to let him go without telling him.
"Fine! What did you finally give up on me? Do I disgust you now? Can just drop me off at the next stop and I'll find a way back to Detroit. You won't have to deal with this anymore!"
"I didn't want you to kiss me because I wasn't what you thought I was. I didn't want to kiss you unless it was just because you wanted to, that you actually felt that and it wasn't relief that I may not have been a giant middle finger from your brother!"
Gavin froze and his hands stopped trying to push at his chest, instead just rested there. "What?"
"It's not that I didn't want to kiss you. I do, but I don't want to rush into this. We can both be impulsive, and I don't want either of us to regret this." He didn't want to regret his first kiss with Gavin.
"You do?" Gavin whispered, and Connor could feel his hands shaking so he gently took them and placed a kiss on each, not breaking eye contact.
"I do, I never thought I would, but there's always been something about you. So unpredictable but I can tell you aren't a bad person." Now it also made sense. Gavin wasn't trying to stop him exactly, he was but it was probably to deviate him and even save the revolution.
"I, I was such a dick to you without even asking. I just, fucking hell, I assumed. And even then if I was right I shouldn't have taken it out on you. It wasn't your fault what you were made for or why."
"I think we both judged each other far too quickly. We both forgot the other is alive." Even when he wasn't deviant he was still alive. Trapped in a cage in his own mind, but still alive.
Gavin cursed again under his breath, "I did exactly what Eli did. I'm sorry, Connor. I shouldn't have blamed you for my problems."
"I forgive you, and I'm sorry too, I should have done so many things." He pressed another kiss to his hands and then leaned back. "I'm also sorry for caging you in."
Gavin moved forward and pulled Connor into a hug. "It's ok. Maybe we can go back to looking at the stars? I wanted you to see the sunrise as well."
Yet he didn't move away from the hug yet, letting their bodies press against each other without any expectations.
"We could maybe talk about this all later? For now, I do want you to enjoy this and get the whole road trip experience." Then he started chuckling and moving back. "Guess you also got the opening up and sharing secrets down pat."
Connor snorted and took his hand, leading him back into the truck where they laid down again. "I really do love the stars."
"I know." Gavin smiled and played with their fingers.
The sunrise was beyond beautiful and he and Gavin just sat there and calmly watched, leaning against one another.
Gavin eventually nodded off, head on Connor's shoulder. He softly ran a hand through his hair as he let the man rest. They didn't need to actually go anywhere but knew Gavin probably planned on visiting Yellowstone. He had no doubt they'd also stop by the Grand Canyon since it was always a must-see on any list.
Yet he would gladly give that all up to stay here with Gavin against him. What would have it felt like to kiss Gavin, to feel his skin against his own as they explored each other's bodies. Would Gavin shy away from his android-ness? Now that he knew he doubted it but there would always be the fear.
When they do get back on the road it has a different energy to it. It was like they were both waiting for the other to make a move. Connor just didn't want Gavin to rush into this but he also desperately wanted to be with him.
He felt ready to snap after they stopped to get snack. Connor was positive Gavin was messing with him since they got popsicles. They actually had a thirium one for Connor that he gladly sucked on. But Gavin made a show of eating his.
He even made very faint moans, acting like it was because the popsicle tasted so good. Sure it probably did taste good but to that extent.
Connor kept shifting in his seat, trying to hide his growing problem and not keep looking over at Gavin. This was so unfair, but at least Gavin wasn't the type to bite his popsicle.
He gripped the steering wheel so hard his skin started to recede before he pulled off the highway, trying to ignore the cars going past. The road wasn't the busiest but it still had plenty of cars.
Gavin gave a final slow lick to his popsicle before he had to actually eat it or it was going to melt.
Once he was done, Connor unlocked the doors and got out, making sure the other cars weren't close enough to hit him.
He stomped over to Gavin's side and pulled him out without any resistance. Gavin did fumble for a second but then Connor was pressing him against the truck, a knee between Gavin's thighs.
"Fuck me." He grumbled, leaning in close so his lips ghosted over his neck.
Gavin shivered and reached out to run his hands down Connor's chest. "I thought you'd be the one fucking, but I can also do that if you want."
Connor growled and wanted him to stop being a little tease, stop being so composed, so he bit down on Gavin's neck. Not hard enough to break skin, but he'd leave a mark. Gavin whined and ground his hips down onto Connor's knee.
"Yes! Finally, yes, please Con!" Gavin babbled closing his eyes as Connor lapped at the spot and gave it a soft kiss. He did the same up and down Gavin's neck until the man was practically shaking from want.
"Do you want me to fuck you?" He asked, completely serious. He'd do it right here and now if Gavin wanted it.
Gavin quickly nodded, rolling his hips down again so Connor could feel just how much he was affected too. "I do, I really want you to. Kiss me, please."
Now how could he deny that? He was somewhat nervous yet all of those thoughts left his head when their lips brushed together. It was soft at first but quickly became heated and Gavin gladly opened his mouth for him.
He could taste the strawberry popsicle on Gavin's tongue and he gave a low hum. He only pulled back to whisper in Gavin's ear. "I'm going to suck you off then fuck you against the truck until you come again." Of course, if Gavin said no he'd stop, but Gavin whined and he humped Connor's leg.
"Yes! Connor, please."
"And you'll be on full display for everyone while I fuck you, they'll all know you're mine." He growled out before hitting down on the most sensitive part of Gavin's neck. He all but screamed and tried to scratch down Connor's back.
The truck was big enough to hide them from most unless anyone was specifically looking, but it was still so thrilling. "Will, will you be, ah!" Gavin couldn't seem to finish his sentence, but Connor had a few ideas of what he was trying to ask.
"You'll be so beautifully naked and I'll get to kiss and lick every bit of you, find the places you're most sensitive. But I'll keep my clothes on if you want, while I fuck you. You can make a mess all over me so you'll have to clean it up."
He grabbed Gavin's shirt and pulled it over his head before taking a second to look him over. Gavin whimpered but let him look his fill.
Connor gave an appreciative hum, letting his hands trace over faint scars. He could probably guess how Gavin got each, but he'd leave that for later. For now, he gently played with his hard nipples, smirking when Gavin's breath caught.
"So sensitive, baby. Does this feel good? Do you want more?" He flicked a nipple and then bent down so he could take one in his mouth.
Gavin's hands went to his hair and yanked hard, his nails scratching at his scalp. "Connor!"
A car went by and Connor gave a low hum. Perhaps another android would notice, they did have better perception than humans.
He moved away only to do exactly what he promised, kissing and licking at the skin he could get, teasing Gavin. He never went low enough for Gavin's liking, but Connor kept Gavin's hips in place.
Gavin babbled and kept pulling on Connor's hair, but he kept track of the most sensitive parts.
He was sure he could do this for hours, simply exploring Gavin's beautiful body. "So warm and soft, you're so beautiful, do you know that?" He asked, looking up.
Gavin was biting his lip, head resting against the truck. At Connor's question, he looked back down, pupils blown wide. He gaped for a second before grabbing Connor and pulling him into a kiss.
It was so sweet and loving that it took the breath away from both of them. Gavin had to pull away eventually to breathe, but Connor took that to help him out of his pants and underwear.
He ran his hands softly up and down Gavin's thighs, pressing a soft kiss to the inside. He was so soft but firm from the muscles and Connor couldn't help but massage gently.
There was just something about being able to see all of Gavin, touch anywhere he wanted. Not to mention the fact that he was completely bare while Connor was still covered. That if anyone actually looked hard and long enough they'd see exactly what was happening.
"Do you want to be seen, baby? Want people to see you a mess because of me?" He wanted to fuck him through the overstimulation until he was crying and begging for more.
Gavin quickly nodded, "yes! Can see what you do to me. God, when we'd argue you looked so intense that I'd have to jack off after. I always wanted you to push me against the wall and shut me up in front of everyone."
Connor moaned at that idea, filing it away for later. Perhaps that would be a fun way to show everyone how close they had gotten on this trip. "Everyone would know that you're taken, that you're mine. No one else is allowed to touch you like this, only me."
He took Gavin's length in his hand and pumped it a few times, smirking when Gavin couldn't even talk.
"That's it baby, so good for me. Want me to lick you? I can make you come so many times if you want. See how many you can go in one day." He leaned forward and licked at the head before slowly licking from base to tip. He licked his lips and gave another happy hum. "You taste so good."
The hands were back in his hair and he was really glad Gavin wasn't trying to be gentle. "Fuck me!"
Connor chuckled and gave his hip a tap, "oh I'm planning to. But I want you to come in my mouth first. I'll work you open as I do, making sure to not hurt you. Don't want you not being able to sit."
"Spread your legs a little for me, and do you have any lube?" His body could produce its own and Connor could use that if need be, but he'd rather use lube made for humans.
Gavin nodded and pointed to his jacket that had been tossed onto the ground.
Connor grabbed it and found it easily, raising an eyebrow at it. So Gavin had planned this, maybe not exactly, but he had been thinking about it at least. "So naughty, did you want me to fuck you this whole time? You could have asked, I could fuck you in the back of the truck or even get you off while I drive."
Gavin whined and spread his legs. Connor chuckled and finally took him into his mouth as he lubed up two fingers. He really would go slow, he didn't want to risk anything, and he wanted Gavin to have time to back out.
Gavin said something but it was drowned out by a car rushing past. Connor could read his lips clearing and used the distraction to push his fingers in. Gavin stiffened but easily relaxed when Connor swallowed around him.
He slowly moved his fingers as he sucked and bobbed his head. The sounds were mostly drowned out by the passing cars but no one slowed down yet. He was so glad he was an android so he could still hear Gavin pleading and begging for more.
He kept Gavin distracted as he added a third finger, taking him all the way down and hallowed his cheeks.
He kept moving his fingers, trying to find the right spot. When he did the hands in his hair yanked so hard Connor gasped for a second. He moaned Gavin and would have smirked if his mouth wasn't so full.
He kept brushing against Gavin's prostate and he could feel him tensing again. It only took Connor swallowing around him for Gavin to warn him before coming. Connor didn't pull away, instead got as close as he could, taking it all down.
He kept sucking until Gavin went limp in his mouth, his fingers pumping quickly. He pulled away and licked his lips, having to help keep Gavin up. His face was covered in pure bliss as he stared down at Connor gaping.
"I am going to fuck you now if you want me to stop, tell me." He pulled his fingers out and unzipped himself, grabbing the lube again. He made sure to put a generous amount on his own cock, giving it a few pumps and letting out a slow hiss.
Gavin made a small whine at the loss of his fingers but quickly nodded at Connor. "Don't stop, please don't stop."
Connor nodded and looked him over. He was just so beautiful and he could see the faint dusting of sweat over his skin as he stood there and let Connor stare.
It was still hard to believe this was real and actually happening. That the man he been trying to desperately ignore his feelings for wanted him back. He pushed those feelings so far down he hadn't even noticed them until the trip. Until Gavin took the first step.
"Connor?" Gavin mumbled, eyes still lidded, and Connor shook himself from his thoughts.
He moved forward and picked him up in one fluid motion, letting Gavin reach out to hold before Connor slowly moved him to take him all the way in. Gavin clutched at him and Connor didn't move, letting them both adjust to the sensation.
Even with all that prep Gavin still felt so tight and amazingly warm around him. He grits his teeth as Gavin shook in his arms, waiting for that subtle nod. When he got it and pulled Gavin up almost completely off before letting gravity pull him back down.
Gavin yelped and Connor kissed his neck before doing it again and again. Each one drove Connor crazy and Gavin clung on desperately.
"Doing so amazing, baby. You think you can get hard again? Maybe even come for me again?" He freed one hand, glad for his strength to take Gavin's length in his hand.
Gavin's whole body jerked but he didn't say to stop, so Connor didn't. He pumped him in time with the thrusts and watched in wonderment as Gavin slowly got hard again.
"Everyone can see how needy you are. How easily you take my cock, like you were meant for it. My beautiful, wonderful slut." Gavin had seemed to react well to the slight degradation before, but Connor was beyond nervous that this was taking it too far. He wanted to praise him until he couldn't speak but he also wanted this and hoped it was a good mixture.
His anxiety was calmed when Gavin's head fell forward and he had to rest it on Connor's shoulder as his body shuttered. He kept clenching around Connor and it took every last bit of willpower not to come yet. He needed Gavin to come again before he'd let himself.
"You like that?" Connor gasped out, not slowing down, instead of speeding up more, trying to get deeper. "Like being my beautiful slut? I could just use you all day and you'd have to clean up the mess. God! Fuck you after work or even at work if you're too much of a brat."
He'd probably never actually do anything at work unless he knew absolutely no one could walk in. He didn't want to cause anyone at the office discomfort just for their own pleasure. It just wasn't right.
"Connor," Gavin mouthed against his neck, but no sound came out.
"Come on baby, come for me one last time." He twisted his hand and swiped his thumb over the head to collect the pre to slick up his hand more.
Gavin's whole body shook as he clenched around him, and Connor didn't even care about the mess he made on Connor's hand and shirt.
He pulled him all the way down before finally giving in and letting himself come. His systems glitched out for a second before he became aware again, the pleasure almost overwhelming even after.
He leaned them forward so Gavin could rest against the car as Connor stayed buried in him. They both panted together, and Connor placed a gentle hand over Gavin's heart.
He could feel each quick beat and it helped ground him back to reality so he didn't drift off. He pressed feather-light kisses over Gavin's throat once he had cooled down enough to not need to breathe.
Gavin still shook gently, his legs and arms completely wrapped around him.
"Hey baby, you ok?" Connor whispered. Had he fucked up? Was it too much for Gavin? Shit, he went too far. Yet Gavin didn't say to stop or show any indication that he wanted to. What if he missed the signs? Maybe he was so selfishly focused on his own pleasure and making Gavin come again that he didn't see.
Then Gavin gave a nod and took in a long shuttering breathe. "Yeah, that was… you're amazing." His voice was rough and husky, and he tried to clear it and he leaned back to see Connor's blue-tinted face. "I, uh, I adore you."
For some reason, it felt more meaningful than hearing I love you. Perhaps it was simply because I love you was used so often and given out to so many (which was a positive thing). Or maybe it was just the way he said it, with so much emotion behind it.
There was so much history that they needed to relearn and look at again, and of course, that wouldn't make Connor's quick annoyance at Gavin before the revolution disappear. He could only focus on his feelings now about those events since he had more of the details.
Gavin's eyes seemed to hold so much, but Connor could also see the fear. The worry that he'd gone too far with his words instead of his actions.
Yet Connor's heart swelled and he couldn't help the big beaming smile. "I adore you too."
I hoped you enjoyed! I can’t remember if I said what Hank’s gift was in this, but if I didn’t, its a stuffed animal lol
#kinktober#dbh convin#convin dbh#convin fic#Convin#Connor#Connor Anderson#gavin reed#reed800#dbh gavin reed#gavin reed x connor#connor x gavin reed#gavin800#connor x gavin#detroit gavin#dbh fanfic#dbh fandom#dbh fic#connor dbh fanfic#rk800#connor rk800#RK800 Connor#detroit become human rk800#rk800connor#detroit connor#detroit: become human#Detroit: BH
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So. Let’s talk about Veronica Mars. *deeeeeeeep sigh*
Ok, friends. It’s been a goddamn whirlwind for me. I actually went to the Veronica Mars panel at Comic Con, which I thought was a highlight at the time. They screened the first episode before the panel, and I was all ready to report back to you all that it was real good and to get excited for the new season, but then Hulu had to go and drop the whole damn series during the CC panel, which was a STUPID thing to do (or, at the very least, an extremely stupid thing to announce to the panel at Comic Con - the exact people who would not be able to watch it until after Comic Con, putting them at risk for some really big fucking spoilers. It’s genuinely surprising to me how little the people who are in charge think about these things. If you want to do a surprise drop (which, why, but whatever), sure, go and do it, but definitely don’t announce it to a room full of people who can’t enjoy it and expect them to be excited??). But regardless. That was just a wtf moment. I was still filled with enthusiasm and excitement and happiness that this show was back and seemed to be in good form.
Oy.
Cut to Tuesday morning. I got back from Comic Con on Sunday night, and life goes on, so of course I hadn’t watched 8 hours of TV by Tuesday at 7AM. Which is precisely when my dear friend, whom I adore, but who is apparently an idiot, texted me about how terrible that VM ending was and how upset she was. Now, because I’m a good friend and I know what she likes and we’ve discussed VM at length, it took me all of four seconds to know the gist of what happens in the end. I didn’t know the how or why, but I certainly knew the what. Cue fun spikes of anxiety and random bursts of rage, because what the fuck. Truly, what the fuck. But I placed my certainty at 99% and hopelessly clung to the 1% chance that I was wrong, knowing full well that I wasn’t. This obviously completely stymied any excitement I had for the show, and I dragged my heels for a full month before finally finishing the goddamn show just to get it over with. And now we’re here.
I’ve had a month to ready myself for what I knew was coming. It was both a blessing and a curse, since while it pretty thoroughly ruined my good time, it also meant that I wasn’t totally blindsided by that ending. And man, I would have been blindsided, because there was Z E R O reason for that. None. And now I’ve read all the articles in which Rob Thomas tries to explain his reasons, and they’re all nonsense. Absolute idiocy. All I see is a guy who always, always resented the fans for loving a character he didn’t want us to, who tried and tried to redirect us to one of his preferred creations without success, and just when I thought he’d finally accepted defeat, he pulls the most nonsensical of fuckery just to finally win the battle. Fuck you, RT, forever and always. I can’t fucking believe that I allowed myself to think you’d finally seen the light. What a ridiculous fool I was for giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Since I knew what was coming, I could look for the signs all throughout the season. So I searched for foreshadowing, or at least a narrative through-line. And let me tell you: there isn’t one. The season finally, rightfully seems to address Veronica’s deep-set trauma and trust issues but treats them like a problem and not a secret superpower, and it seemed like the show might expect Veronica to grow up along with the viewers who’ve aged 15 years since the first season? I was excited to finally have Veronica be the problem in a relationship, frankly. It was hinted at with Piz, but glossed over because there was only so much time in the movie, but it was realistic for her to have some trouble adjusting to a long-term, committed relationship, and I was excited to see that journey! I thought it was such an interesting path to go down, watching Veronica grapple with what she wants (or maybe just thinks she wants) vs. what she’s always known, or thought she knows. Lots of stuff there! Good stuff! And you get all the way to the end, when she’s finally decided to try. It isn’t fixed, it isn’t perfectly, she’s definitely got a long way to go, but she’s taken a few tentative steps into an uncertain future. And all of a sudden, quite literally, boom. It’s all gone.
Listen. I was never going to be a fan of getting rid of Logan. However they chose to do it, it would always feel wrong. I have never trusted Rob Thomas to handle Logan well, because he’s always had this undercurrent of anger in every interview I’ve read, this frustration that people love and respond to Logan when he wanted them to love Duncan! Then Piz! Then anyone else! His creations took on a life of their own, and RT hated it. RT was one of the ultimate examples of writers/show runners who were simply watching a completely different show than the rest of us. I could never understand how he wrote such interesting stuff for Logan but didn’t want us to root for him. It never made any sense. But I didn’t think he would sabotage his own show this thoroughly.
Because here’s the thing: I was never going to like him getting rid of Logan, but I could have understood it. I could have gone along with it if it had been done right. Frankly, the way it was building, it wouldn’t have been a surprise, nor would it even have been a bad choice, to have Logan break up with Veronica at the end of the season. And if RT couldn’t handle Veronica not being the aggressor, fine, make Veronica do it. She decides she isn’t willing to put in the work to change that Logan needs from her, and she ends it. Fine. Could work, at least for a few seasons. Let her deal with the loss, knowing it was something she chose, and see how it affects her priorities as she continues on. Certainly could be interesting!
You know what isn’t interesting? This. This is the only - the ONLY - plotline that’s a watered down repeat of a previous story. Veronica Mars, traumatized and hardened by the shocking loss of someone close to her? Quite literally, been there, done that. I know RT has been trying to recapture the magic of season one for every season and iteration since, but just repeating the storyline? Really, really missing the mark. There isn’t anything new that can be added to this. We’ve done this. This will only ever be a pale imitation, a tacked-on sequel hitting the same beats with less force. Lilly was a fantastic inciting incident that yielded a tight, well-thought-out season arc. But why would we want to start over 15 years later? What’s to be gained from this? Literally ANY other ending would have yielded multiple storytelling options, branching out with so many possibilities on where the characters could go. This is the only one that simply slams doors shut.
The few supporters of this ending I’ve seen around the interwebs keep saying things like “this show wouldn’t work if Veronica was happy!” Hell, Rob Thomas is saying the same thing. And to that idiocy, I can only say 1. of course it would, if you write it well, dumbass, and 2. if you think Veronica getting married immediately = happiness, well, what the hell show were you watching? The marriage, much as it could represent a step forward, was still VERY CLEARLY a huge, impulsive jump that was more a reaction than a measured decision. And that was something I was looking forward to seeing. Fresh off of a near-death experience and a renewed assurance of her love for Logan, Veronica marries him thinking that’s the end of their troubles, only to realize that it’s just another complication. Now Veronica has to deal with the new experience of having no quick exit strategy. All the problems they had throughout the season still exist, thinly covered by the veil of newlywed bliss, and she has to reconcile her happiness with her frustration and uncertainty. Logan still disappears at the drop of a hat because of his job. She still puts herself in danger for the case and uses loved ones and acquaintances alike to her full advantage. They hide things from each other. They love fiercely, they trust the other with their own lives but can’t trust each other to take care of themselves. Doesn’t this sound like a complicated, tumultuous relationship full of narrative possibilities?
Well, forget it, because why break new ground when you could retread old storylines? Yeah, that’s what we all want. Great job, RT. So smart.
Something that keeps bothering me is that if RT didn’t want Logan around as the happy husband at home but didn’t want to write more relationship drama between them? He already had the perfect excuse to ship Logan off for entire seasons at a time. Look, Logan’s deployed, oh no, he can’t even skype, he’s undercover! Cool, problem solved. No more Logan, but in a way that still maintains possibilities for the future should we want them. Ideal. Again, options. All you want are places for your narrative to go. Multiple roads it could take so it doesn’t become predictable.
This is predictable. This is boring. This is trite. Our heroes, struck down in their highest moment of happiness. Holy fuck, it’s dull. It doesn’t feel edgy. It feels derivative, a tired rehash of a narrative structure that should have gone out of vogue ten years ago. The whole thing just exhausts me at this point.
And I’ve read Rob Thomas’s justification for why he did it. They’re all flimsy, but if he wants to go do a Sherlock-style, Ms. Marple mystery series, flitting in and out as he pleases, fine. It won’t be the worst show in the world. Veronica’s still a fun and interesting character, and I’ll always enjoy watching her. But removing her from Neptune, and more importantly, removing her from all of her meaningful relationships, takes away what made this show special. The new version RT is pitching could be fun enough. But it’ll still be just one in a long, long line of mystery shows that don’t have much claim to my emotional investment. I might watch, but I’ll forget about it the second it’s over. It certainly won’t be the kind of show with a fanbase that will still be interested in watching more 15 years from now. Rob Thomas won’t be getting one of those again.
So yeah, that’s that. I have much more to say, but really I just wanted to get this rant out so I can put it all behind me. I learned long ago that I can’t trust shows and showrunners, and it’s a lesson I learned partly, if significantly, from Rob Thomas. I suppose it’s on me for letting my guard down, but I guess my hope got grandfathered in from an age when I didn’t immediately mistrust the things that were supposed to make me happy. I’ll know better next time.
#veronica mars#veronica mars spoilers#just in case#so i'll just be here selectively ignoring canon because frankly i know better#the ending was so stupid and tacked on that it's honestly pretty easy to ignore#mostly i'm just fired up about a showrunner mistreating his fanbase so badly after they've stuck with him through so much#just a baffling misuse of the support he was so lucky to still have#so i'll be cherry-picking the parts of s4 i liked with one hand and flipping rob thomas off forever with the other
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From a Man Scorned
Assholes to lovers or enemies to lovers trope I guess lol. Thank you @diabl0sstuff for your help ;)
Bakudeku. Izuku can’t take the bullying anymore, he’s gonna make Katsuki acknowledge him or else... But things take a twist he’d never expected and they learn just why Katsuki had pushed him away all these years...
“What are you looking for Midoriya?” Ochako questions the man who’s rummaging through the kitchen cabinets.
“Oh, hello Ochako-chan!” He blushes at the bubbly girl. “It appears I ate the last of my snacks,” he frowns, “guess I need to make a run to the store.”
“Awww,” she pouts too, “I ran out yesterday.”
“Wanna go with me?” He asks her, “shouldn’t take long.”
“I would, but Mina needs help with her homework.” She taps her chin, “but I did overhear Bakugou talking about a trip to the convenience store tonight. Something about Family Mart having a sale on energy drinks.”
Izuku’s eyes light up, “that’s perfect! They should have the latest Shonen Weekly out as well!”
“If I give you some money, could you pick up Hana Yume for me and some snacks?”
“Of course!”
“Great! I’ll be right back, my money’s in my room.”
While he waits for Ochako to return, Izuku watches as Katsuki comes down from the second-floor dorm area. The man goes over to Kirishima and Kaminari, chatting briefly while putting on his jacket. A twinge of heartache settles in Izuku’s chest at the sight. Katsuki even cracks a grin at whatever they were talking about. It wasn’t fair. For years he’s watched this same scene unfold, different people, but the same old Kaachan. Not the friendliest guy, but when he’s with those he considers friends, the light in his eyes always pulls a spark of jealousy from Izuku. He wanted to be one of those friends.
He could never understand why Katsuki wouldn’t be his friend. Even before his quirk came in, the man always treated Izuku poorly, and once it became clear that he would be quirkless, the taunts became worse, hence the nickname of Deku or useless. Despite it all, Izuku continued to try and befriend Katsuki. Their mothers had been friends since they were infants and encouraged the boys to be the same. His own nickname for the hot head of Kaachan was simply an endearing derivative. Katsuki hated it though because it also meant mother. ‘I’m not your mother!’ he used to scream at Izuku. No, he clearly isn’t his mother. But the nickname stuck.
“Sorry to keep you waiting!” Ochako flies down the stairs and hands Izuku a short list and cash. “Thank you again, I really appreciate it!”
“It’s no problem,” Izuku smiles.
Thank goodness Ochako had come down when she had, for Katsuki had already left a couple of minutes ago alone. Izuku pockets the money and rushes out the door. At first, he doesn’t see which way his friend had gone, but checking both directions, he finally sees the faint outline of Katsuki heading towards the southern campus exit. Izuku takes off at a full sprint to catch up.
“Kaachan wait up!” Izuku calls after his oldest friend as the man walks along the sidewalk away from the dorm. “Are you going to the store, can I walk with you?”
“Flake off nerd, I don’t want your company,” the man responds without turning around, continuing to walk away. All he wanted to do was get his energy drinks and snacks at the convenience store and get back to the dorms. He knew that taking Deku anywhere with him would add time to the trip cause the boy always ended up glued to the magazine rack and that really didn’t appeal to him.
“But I need to go to the same place as you.” Izuku reaches out to put his hand on Katsuki’s shoulder to slow his steps. He was heading in the same direction anyways. “I’ll just be…”
“I said fuck off Deku!” Katsuki rips the man’s hand off his shoulder.
There was no rhyme or reason to it, but something in such a simple move snaps Izuku’s mind. All he had wanted to do was walk to the store with his friend. What was so bad about that?! He could be perfectly fine with Kirishima or Kaminari, or really everyone else, but not him. Every time! Why did Katsuki have to be so mean to him?! Dammit, he was tired of being bullied by Katsuki. All his life being bullied by this man for no valid reason except for what, because he’d grown up quirkless? Bullshit! This one small retort levelled in anger cracks the normally positive young man. He was like a man possessed by the spirit of wrath ready to call upon the hellfire’s to avenge him.
“Kami I’ve had it with you Kaachan! All my life I’ve tried to be your friend and all you’ve ever done is pushed me away! You can’t handle the fact that I’m now your equal can you, is that why you keep pushing me away?!”
Izuku is seething, furious couldn’t explain the intensity of anger coursing through his veins as he stares Katsuki down. His body was electrified, and his quirk surges within his lithe and cut frame. He was done with all the bullshit! It was time to end this with Katsuki once and for all. Either the hot head would acknowledge him, or he would taste the full wrath Izuku was ready to unleash. Forget about the favor he was doing for Ochako, he didn’t care that a simple store run has just turned into a grudge match.
Katsuki laughs, this was just Izuku, he reasoned, really, what was this boy going to do to him, throw a tantrum? “Tch. Equal my ass you fucking nerd! And what the hell do I need a mumbling dork like you as a friend?!”
That was it!
“Fuck you Kaachan!” White-hot energy red with desire, percolates like snakes over Izuku’s skin. Green lightning explodes around him making his eyes glow. It was all too quick for Katsuki to react before punch after kick is landing full-bore over his body. Izuku was out of control, turning on 50% of his power without a millisecond of thought. A spinning roundhouse to an uppercut sends Katsuki flying backwards into the concrete wall, leveling 10 feet of it. All the while screaming with every nasty thing the man had ever said or done to him. It fueled his drive. Fourteen years of pent up resentment unleashed in seconds on an unsuspecting man.
“Are you kidding me?!” There’s no way that Katsuki was going to let Izuku best him so easily! It takes a second to collect himself and get over the shock, but he launches himself from the concrete rubble with blasts from his hands directly at Izuku. Izuku braces for the impact, ready and willing to throw down. The failing light of the day was about to be lit up like a Christmas tree.
By now, the sounds of destruction had caught the attention of their classmates, and several were peeking out of the front door, while others on the upper floors were glued to their bedroom windows. It was intense! The flurry of activity out on the lawn was at a fever pitch. You could barely see what was happening, only streaks of green or white and blasts of orange or red whipping around like a ping pong ball being thrashed back and forth. These two were unloading on each other, and all their classmates could do was pray they didn’t take the building down with them.
Katsuki sets up and fires a pinpoint shot at Izuku, but the man dodges and sends blackwhip to grab him before he can reload. “Argh!!” He fights against the shadowed bindings that trap and pin his arms to his sides, screaming, “You dirty bastard!” Izuku throws him towards a wall, and just as he’s about to hit, he manages to light up his hands at his sides and face them towards the wall, propelling himself away. Katsuki’s arms are still pinned to their sides but he succeeds in playing keep away with the shadow and the wall.
“Ugh!” Frustrated, Izuku drops Katsuki from several feet in the air.
The man drops and rolls, popping back to his feet with a taunting smirk.
A showdown ensues, each staring, daring the other to make a move. Calculated attacks were both their specialties, but that always flew out the window when they’d fight, more so on Katsuki’s end, but today Izuku was a different man on a mission.
Izuku balls up his fist, “I hate you Kaachan!”
“I hate you Deku!”
Explosive punches sent at the same time and in the same breath of words collide in a massive index. The shockwave created send both men flying backwards. Izuku lands in a tree, cracking it down the center and Katsuki takes down a lamp post. Sparks fly when the bulb hits the ground and explodes. The brief pause in the fighting allows onlookers to see some of the extent of the damage. Both men look like hell and are covered in bloody cuts and bruises. The damage to the property was by far just as bad. Large craters and disturbed earth, concrete walls ruined, and now a tree and lamp post added to the destruction. It was a miracle they’d managed to stay away from any actual buildings.
Izuku scrambles to his feet as Katsuki’s pushing the lamp post off of himself. They were both exhausted and running low on energy after going after one another at such full strength. He walks up and stands above his old friend, clutching his arm where it had collided with the tree, just staring and expecting the man to get up. But strangely, he stays down.
“Oi, get up,” Izuku taps the man’s foot with his own. “Or are you conceding?”
Katsuki had to finally admit that Izuku has grown a lot since those days as a quirkless nobody who’d follow him like a fanboy. It was the first time… he was looking at him like the fanboy, or more like admitting it to himself. There’s always been a deep, dark secret as to why he’d pushed Izuku away all these years and one he didn’t know if he was ready to divulge.
He lets out a deep exhale. “You win Deku,” Katsuki looks away. There was no malice in his tone, no animosity, just a tired man who’s accepted fate. “You win okay?”
‘OH MY GOD I BROKE KAACHAN!’ Izuku’s jaw drops. He was shocked. Katsuki doesn’t relent. Something was wrong!
A bubbling feeling pools in Katsuki’s gut the longer Izuku stares at him. It may have only been seconds that were passing, but it sure felt longer. The man fronting him had gone through fifty shades of red. What was up with Deku?! First, he was so pissed off, he flew at him in a rage and now he was standing there like an idiot flushed or blushing. Ugh! Typical Deku!
Izuku drops to his knees as the gravity of the situation hits. He’d just beat the hell out of his oldest friend. The boy he’s always looked up to and admired, and one he held on a pedestal right there along with All Might. Blood was seeping out of a cut near Katsuki’s temple and another staining his pants leg. His left eye was bruised and swollen, clothes torn in so many places revealing more bruises and cuts marring his skin. All the anger Izuku had been feeling evaporates. This was his friend. They may not always get along, but whenever shit hits the fan, they still had each other’s backs.
“Kaachan…. I’m so sorry….” Tears well up in his eyes. “I-I don’t know what came over me.”
“Tch, figure’s you’d apologize nerd. I ain’t been the nicest to ya so there’s no reason to be sorry. Besides, you look like shit too.” Izuku’s eyes, brightened by the moisture clouding them along with the silly sad look on his face made Katsuki’s heart flutter. He looks away as a light tinge of pink spoils the serious expression he’s desperately holding onto.
Katsuki sits up with one leg straight, the other bent, checking over his own condition. His body ached and stung worse than any fight he’s ever had with a villain. He runs a finger over his split lip, licking at the wound, and flinching from the sting. Izuku really got him good this time. It almost brought a swelling of pride to know who he’d chosen…. Katsuki shakes his head, ‘don’t do it, don’t do it!’
“Please forgive me Kaachan,” Izuku extends a hand to Katsuki, “I’ll help you to medical.”
When Katsuki looks up, his resolve withers away. He didn’t know if it was the scant light of a lamp post haloing Izuku’s head, the bright flash in his friend’s eyes, or the dimpled smile… the stupid, goofy smile that is the epitome of Izuku’s innocence that finally cracks Katsuki. Okay fine! There’s no point in denying it. He’s in love with Deku and has been for a few years. This irritating mouse with a heart of steely gold that was everything he wasn’t. A yin to his yang in terms of personality who’s been with him through thick and thin since they were in diapers.
“Okay.” Katsuki takes hold of Izuku’s hand, gripping it, but instead of letting the man pull him up, he pulls Izuku down so hard it sends him off-kilter.
“K-Kaach…” Izuku’s stumbles, his hands flying forward in an effort to keep himself from falling onto the man.
The hand Katsuki has gripped, he moves and places against Izuku’s chest to slow the man’s decent, while the other swiftly runs over his cheek, fingers sweeping past to the back of Izuku’s head, and pulling downward. Katsuki raises his own head and meets the man halfway, letting their lips collide. ‘So soft…’ why was he surprised?
Off in the distance, they could hear muffled yelling, but neither of them could understand a word Aizawa was yelling. The whole situation was a mind blur. Izuku was in blissful disbelief that Katsuki was kissing him, kissing him! And as he lay there prone and propped between the man’s legs, all he could think about was how surprisingly sweet Katsuki tasted. Stupid thoughts, ‘Must be the nitroglycerin…’ He never wanted to stop kissing this man! Until now, Izuku had never thought of his old friend in such a way, but things can and do change.
Katsuki puts an arm behind his head as a pillow, as Izuku gives in and relaxes completely against him. The other enjoys its place, cradling and running its fingers through Izuku’s unruly, but velvety green hair. Everything about this man was soft and pliable, so much so that Katsuki imagines molding to Izuku in ways that would make any one blush. Izuku fists at his shirt, and that brings a twinge of pleasure to Katsuki to know he was just as into him as he was into Izuku.
“You really can’t rid of me now,” Izuku teases.
“Yeah…” Katsuki responds with little kisses at the corners of Izuku’s mouth, “don’t remind me…”
By the time Aizawa and All Might arrive, the two men were still lip-locked and making out right on the edge of the sidewalk completely oblivious to the crowd of students that had finally felt safe enough to venture out of the dorm building. The two teachers, usher the students back in amid camera clicks, then assess the damage. The destruction was evident all around the area, including the boys themselves who looked like they’d been through a war. Tomorrow, they would mete out a punishment, but considering these two boys had finally found a truce, who were they to break things up just yet…
#bakudeku#bakugou katsuki#Midoriya izuku#bakudeku fanfiction#bakudeku fan fic#bakugou x midoriya#bnha#kaachan#deku
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Waiting In Vain: Chapter 7
Self Harm 101
“A lot of things trigger you , and you act out. The good thing is- Marley, you’re not the only one who has this trait”
Marley sat across from the grandfather aged Therapist. In fact, he could actually be her grandfather racially . This wasn’t the first session she’d had with Dr.Robinson, but it had been a long time since she’d seen him. After college, when she moved here to start her adult life , he helped her a lot . Soon she met Trey and he became her boyfriend , best friend and therapist
“How do I stop doing the stupid things I do?” Marley cried out.
“Like what ?” Dr.Robinson asked strategically.
“Before I get into a bad situation , I already know there’s a high chance it will turn out bad . But it just kills me to not know what could have been if I didn’t take a chance” Marley squinted and tilted her head, as if it would help him understand more.
“Like what?” He repeated , noting that Marley avoided the question slightly.
“Every time my anxiety flares or I’m faced with an issue , the root of it is always a man”
Marley’s phone went off , it was a text message . Dr.Robinson told her she could check it . She rummaged though her big neverfull bag and got her phone .
Ironically it was a text from Erik
Meet me downtown in an hour.
The doctor could see the look of fluster take over Marleys face , her entire demeanor changed .
“Do you need to step out, is it something important?” He asked
Yes
“No, it’s just one of those bad situations” Marley gave off an uneasy smile .
“Well make a choice right now” Marley grazed her finger over the reply bar, then decided not to respond . She placed her phone back inside of her purse . “When you leave here, you can chose to do as you please . As for now, let’s focus on you”
Marley got more comfortable, taking off her sneakers and sitting criss-cross on the couch. As much as she wanted to respond , her healing was more important now.
“Last time I saw you , you were in a relationship. What happened there?” The doctor scribbled some notes down . Marley kissed her teeth while rubbing her palms up and down her legs .
“We broke up , but I’m not completely done with him”
“Why not just be with him?”
“It’s comfortable for me , he’s always there when I need him”
He wrote down more things . “Is that fair to him?”
“I don’t really care about what’s fair to him” she replied honestly . “He wasn’t very fair to me in our relationship”
Dr.Robinsons voice went an octave lower before he spoke . “If I recall the stories you used to tell me about your father ... you are showing similar traits of his right now”
“Impossible” Marley argued , she didn’t think so . She hated her father.
When Marley was nearing her teen years, her father left her mother for another woman. A white woman who he met at work. While he was still legally married to her mother . After he left , he would visit sometimes and play family . Her mother would desperately let him stay for a few days. He’d make love to her then leave as quickly as he came. The pattern reoccurred for years , until her mother got terminally sick. He couldn’t bare to watch her deteriorate. Leaving Marley by herself to watch her mother die . After death , everything went to her father . The house , her mother’s valuables and money. Marley got nothing but keepsakes . Her father used the assets to purchase a huge home for his girlfriend and her kids . While MarIey stayed with them for a while , but since Marley couldn’t handle living there , her father sent her to live with her aunt . Tiana’s mother , that’s where she played Cinderella, literally sleeping in a basement. There were extra rooms upstairs, Tiana was her mother’s only child. It was an average room, but nothing like Tianas . Her mother adored her and bought her everything, and did the minimal for Marley . “You should just be happy I let you stay here” she would say each time Marley even let out an ounce of a complaint . When she turned sixteen she got a job and started saving up her money to buy nice things. As soon as she graduated , she went away to school and never looked back ... until ten months ago . When she moved in with Tiana.
Don’t be selfish, people are not pawns” Dr.Robinson concluded after their long conversation about her learned behavior.
“And here I am, thinking I was the victim. Maybe I want to be a victim , so I can just crawl in bed and feel sorry for myself ?”
“Marley , talk about what exactly gets you out of bed”
She thought about it. Food was her top choice, but it had to be something of substance. “I get excited to go to the gym , and ironically sex...even though that’s in the bed” she chuckled.
“Do you have any friends , that are non-sexual” the doctor tried again .
“I made a friend, kind of...Becky”
“That’s good” .
“At first it was hard for me to accept being friends with someone who wasn’t black but I actually like her”
“That’s really good that you made a friend , you’ve had trouble with that in the past . You are not a victim , you just told yourself that , remember that “ Marley nodded her head . Dr Robinson eyed his wrist watch . “Until next time .”
He closed his leather journal, resulting in a pop that somehow reminded Marley that she had an unanswered text message . After finding her phone again, She answered Erik with a simple .
No
His text bubbles popped up , but went away . It was really hard , again Marley lived in the “What could have been” aspect of her life . This was new, her saying “no”. Besides, it was almost two o’clock and she had to go to her cycle class . She hadn’t loss much weight while going, but her body felt amazing and she saw the difference in toning. Especially her glutes.
Marley walked into her gym feeling a little bit lighter than before , due to her therapy session. As soon as three o’clock came and Marley went, so did her feeling of relief . Her phone had thousands of notifications. This was not a good thing , this was not the kind of attention Marley wanted . Hundreds of follow requests because thankfully, she was smart enough to have her profile on private. Unfortunately that wasn’t an option for messaging.
You’re such a fucking hoe, how could you do that to your own cousin.
Ugly ass girls are always after somebody man .
Those were just two of the messages she read, Marley was pretty sure the other ones were derived from the same formula. This whole ordeal was stemmed from a post that Tiana created while she was in class . After gathering everything together, Marley has realized what happened. Tiana had uploaded a video of her discussing Marley, her “hoe cousin” who in detail “was fucking her boyfriend”
Marley’s heart almost fell out of her chest . Her head was pounding and the upcoming migraine was building up . Boyfriend? Her boyfriend ? .
“What the hell is going on!” Marley panicked in the drivers seat of her car. She rested her head back on the seat , just Incase she passed out . The rush was that intense .
Tiana had just sent a text message .
Asia posted a throwback video of the strip club and I saw you . It was you kissing Erik at the club . You sat there in my face while I cried to you .
Then there was another text message from her soon following .
Oh and I paid to break the lease , so your broke ass has three days to find another place to live .
“Fuck ! “ Marley slammed her hand in her steering wheel so hard that it turned red , and because of the adrenaline she couldn’t even feel the pain. Becky called her , back to back but Marley was too afraid to answer. She didn’t even know what to say , what if Becky was on Tianas side ? With luck not on Marley’s side, she rushed home . There were two extra cars outside , one was parked in Marley’s spot . She swallowed her fear and unlocked the door to walk inside . Tiana and her friends were sitting in the living room. As if they were waiting for her to take this walk of shame to her bedroom. And she did , not looking any of them in the eye . They laughed and made sly remarks as she passed . When one of them called her a “fucking hoe” she almost ran back into the living room. Knowing that it wouldn’t be smart, them against one, she didn’t .
Her safe space wasn’t so safe anymore , she had to leave. Marley packed every important thing she owned and brought it to the car to load . Mostly her electronics, clothes and things left from her mother . They watched her walk back and forth like a ping pong match . Never had Marley felt so embarrassed and ridiculed. Over Erik, a guy who was NOT her boyfriend at all. A guy she was just having sex with , Marley didn’t even recall them doing anything in the public eye. This wasn’t about Erik, it was about Marley taking claim over anything that was deemed hers . Even when they were younger , Tiana wouldn’t even let Marley touch anything that belonged to her.
Marley dragged her last bag out and locked the door behind her . Tiana and her friends stood in the window seal , with their phones they recorded Marley from the inside . She took notice and hurried out of there, she drove far down the block so she could do what she needed in peace .
Cry .
She cried hard. Not even for the situation at hand , but for the little girl inside of her that still felt alone . And didn’t understand why her life was this way . Would it ever get better ? Or would it just be a lifetime of disappointment. She wiped her wet face and took a much needed deep breath .
Then she called the only person she knew would pick up . He answered right away .
“I saw it “ Trey said sympathetically, without greeting her . He knew her call was coming .
“Trey , she’s lying “ Marley started bawling , Trey just sat on the other line patiently, letting her know that everything would be fine . “I have nowhere to go, I left “her voice cracking with each word .
“Come home, I’m home ” he said . And she did.
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2019 was a good year for games.
Lots of interesting new ideas in the space, and some refinements of old ones. Here’s a list of my personal favorite games of this year, in no particular order. Making an ordered list can be fun, but it’s ultimately pretty pointless.
Video games are such a diverse medium at this point that it’s really like comparing apples and oranges. How does Baba Is You stack up against Dragon Quest XI S? They have almost nothing in common, and their aims are so different that it makes no sense to compare them directly.
Speaking of….
Baba Is You
There are a lot of indie puzzle games out there. Making a little mind-bending puzzle is something that’s easy to do on a relatively small budget. There are also a lot of games that mimic old pixel art aesthetics of earlier game systems, to greater and lesser success. Making a truly great puzzle game, though, is a true accomplishment. Something that combines a wildly different array of elements in interesting ways, but maintains a simple readability that allows you to return to puzzles after months away and instantly recognize what’s going on.
Baba Is You is a game that accomplishes this and more. It operates on very simple, basic rules, but the way they escalate over time and require you to think outside more and more boxes with every single puzzle is simple astounding. A lot of puzzle games escalate their difficulty so quickly that it’s easy to get discouraged, put off by the impossible tasks you’re being asked to perform. Where Baba shines is that it gives you a perfect runway, teaching you things slowly but surely through a series of challenges.
This is a game where you will instantly go from feeling like the world’s greatest super-genius to a complete and utter fool in a matter of moments, from finishing one stage to starting the next. Over and over again, for dozens and dozens of levels. No game has ever better demonstrated the value of brain rest, stepping away from a problem and letting your subconscious work on it for a while. Every time I came back to a puzzle after a couple hours, I would suddenly see some option I never saw before.
One final note, the graphics are actually a perfect fit for this game. A lot of times, pixel art feels like a gimmick, something to do when you don’t have a good idea, or just mindless nostalgia-baiting. But here, it serves a gameplay purpose, giving you an absolutely clean view of the elements in play at a glance, and also serves as an homage to the simple-yet-challenging puzzle games of those older eras.
Code Vein
And now, for something completely different: An extremely anime-styled souls-like. I remember hearing about this game years and years ago, and thinking that it looked kinda… bad. But, in the meantime they really brought it all together into something fun, if not very innovative.
Code Vein is exactly the sort of thing I look for in a souls-like: it takes the basic formula and adds some new mechanics to it, and has an identity of its own. Instead of a medieval fantasy world, it’s a post-apocalyptic modern city crawling with vampires and zombies. It takes inspiration from stylish, gothic anime of the past couple decades: Code Geass, Blood+, Tokyo Ghoul, etc. The character creator is extremely detailed, but mostly when it comes to clothes and accessories.
The gameplay is… fine. It’s balanced around always having an AI companion, so they can throw bigger groups of enemies at you. It doesn’t require the same sort of intense caution of the Souls series, but that makes it more of a fun, casual experience. At least until you’re fighting a boss, then it suddenly requires you to really be on your game with dodging. If I have one complaint, it’s that the difficulty is incredibly bumpy, some areas are a cake walk and others have you struggling through every encounter.
Oh, also the area aping Anor Londo from Dark Souls. Not because it’s derivative, that’s totally fine, but because it’s a maze where everything looks the same and it’s a real pain to get through. Souls games are at their best when areas have good landmarks and make a kind of logical sense. Earlier in the game you pass through a big parking garage, and it’s perfect, just the sort of thing that translates well to this kind of game. But this cathedral-ish area… it just sucks.
It really is quite shameless.
Overally, it’s just a solid souls-like. I enjoyed the crunchy RPG elements, switching classes and balancing your weapons and armor to get good mobility and damage. The ability to just equip cool-looking attack moves as skills you can use, like spells in Souls games, is something I’d really like to see in more games in this sub-genre.
Fire Emblem: Three Houses
I was kind of skeptical about this game before it came out. Mostly because it was bringing back weapon durability, a mechanic I’ve always hated in these games, but that ended up being a non-issue. Also the school setting made me a bit wary, thinking it was just gonna end up being some Persona-esque thing where you spend tons of time on mundane nonsense while an actual war is going on.
That was all baseless, it turns out. They balance the idea of a military academy with a traditional Fire Emblem structure remarkably well, giving you a lot of freedom around what you want to do when you play the game. You can run around the monastery talking to students, managing your relationships, or you can just do a ton of tactical battles if you want.
The storytelling was remarkably good, though I feel like it was harmed a bit by the weird way it handled multiple routes with different big mysteries. Some routes ended up completely ignoring or just not getting around to some pretty major mysteries. I’m a person who likes long games, but expecting someone to go through all four routes to figure out what’s going on is a bit much.
But more than that, the way it holds back certain reveals hurts the writing in other ways. The actual revelations can’t really have any effect on the characters and their relationships because it all happens at the very end of the game. It keeps the world feeling a bit flat, without any reactions. The mysteries feel extraneous to the plot, in a weird way, when they are so important to certain characters’ identities and the core conflicts that drive the second half of the game.
The gameplay is okay, though a few of the maps are way too big. The portable Fire Emblem games reigned in the map sizes from the old NES and SNES ones, which was a great thing. But now we’re back to moving a whole army one unit at a time for multiple turns just to get to the next group of enemies. The class system was fun to engage with, balancing learning different skills to open up new opportunities, but the gender-limited classes were a real disappointment. Why can’t men ride pegasi? Why can’t women punch good? It’s bizarre, and honestly felt like it had some stuff left over from early drafts, like the pointless dark mage classes.
This has been a lot of complaining about a game I played for close to a hundred hours. Why is this game even on my list? Because the characters are fucking fantastic, and on a basic level the tactical battles are a lot of fun. It offers a paternalistic form of power fantasy, fostering and guiding your children-warriors and then seeing them destroy your enemies. It is just incredibly satisfying to play. And for all that the mysteries end up a bit frustrating, they are intriguing, and do a good job of motivating you to get through a very lengthy game.
Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night
Ah, love a good IGAvania.
This was a year where I really reached for comfort food games a lot, and this is maybe the king of that category. It’s just an old style of game that doesn’t get made anymore, done extremely well by the guy who used to make ’em all the time. Nothing super different or innovative, just the same old thing with a couple new tweaks.
It’s an easy game, but that’s entirely by design. It’s about running around this castle killin’ monsters, collecting new abilities, just exploring and poking around the corners. It’s a game that is, ultimately, designed to be comfortable. And in a time of such strife in the world around us, what could be better?
Disco Elysium
There’s already been a lot written about this game, tons of praise heaped on its writing and its interesting, hauntological world that is so similar to our own, and yet so different. Frankly, I’m really glad I got turned into this before it even came out, if I heard all that overblown praise I’d never have ended up actually sitting down and playing it.
Here’s what I’ll say: This game is a look at an ugly world, and it gives you a lot to think about, but it actually doesn’t take itself too seriously. There are a ton of extremely funny moments, a lot of straight-up goofy-ass jokes. This is not medicine that you have to suffer through, just take it as it comes and it’s a good time. This is what allows its writing to really land, it’s not lecturing you from on high, it’s engaging on a lower, more personable level.
It’s also not some super serious text that you have to pore over and consider extremely closely at every moment. It’s a game, you can save scum and try to exploit mechanics and look up answers to mysteries. Much like Souls games, people come up with all sorts of weird rules about the “proper” way to play games like this, but in the end your experience is up to you.
One final note: the game does start off with a kind of off-putting ironic tone. Some people try to downplay this, but it’s there. I can only say this: if you give this game a chance, you’ll be rewarded. It is worth getting through a few sarcastic jabs to get to the good stuff later on. It’s not some perfect audio-visual experience that will entrance you from the opening moments to the credits, it’s just a video game.
Dragon Quest XI S
I first played Dragon Quest XI last year on PC, and I enjoyed it a lot! But I didn’t actually finish that version, not really. I put a lot of time into, but ultimately burned out on the grind towards the very end.
The form that games come in is very important to how they are experienced. Dragon Quest games work best as portable games, I truly believe. It also helps that this version on the switch added the ability to speed up regular battles, so you don’t have to sit through some long attack animations over and over. The more important aspect, though, is simply the ability to pick it up and put it down more easily.
Sitting down at my PC, plugging in my controller, and pulling up a game is a subtly labor-intensive thing. It means I’m devoting a lot of attention to a game, and it has to do something to earn that on a moment-to-moment basis. The ability to just push a single button on the switch and get back into means that I’m willing to forgive a lot more down time.
Anyway, the game itself: this is not just a very good Dragon Quest game, it is the ultimate Dragon Quest game. It truly shows the value in iteration over pure innovation, taking all sorts of different mechanics and ideas from past games in the series and bringing them all together in one big package. But it doesn’t feel overstuffed, it’s just doing the same thing these games have always done, just really, really well.
Dragon Quest XI successfully pays tribute to the older games in the series while also telling a new story with entertaining twists and turns, and fun and interesting characters. It’s beautiful, everything runs smoothly, the writing is charming and light. It’s not on the same level as Disco Elysium, but it’s not aiming for that sort of thing. It’s a fairy tale, a fable, a reflection of the world in a different sense.
A lot of game critics missed this game because it’s long. And that is absolutely fair, it’s hard to fit a 100-hour game into a review schedule in this day and age. But it’s an absolute gem, a truly wonderful experience from beginning to end. I’d recommend it to anyone who just wants a game to relax with at the end of the day.
Monolith: Relics of the Past
Like some sort of Christmas miracle, there was an expansion pack released for one of my favorite roguelikes on Christmas day, just last week.
Monolith is the best twin-stick shooter roguelike, I will make no bones about it. Forget your Gungeons and your Bindings of Isaac, this is a classic NES-styled game with an absolutely pitch-perfect aesthetic and sense of humor. It serves both the twin-stick shooting and the roguelike parts of its genre perfectly, giving you a strong basic weapon to rely on, and also a guarantee of something more interesting but random in every run.
Man, there are games that I enjoy more, but I really, truly feel that this is one of the best-crafted games of the past few years. And this expansion only made it better: fixing up the UI and tooltips to make things more clear, rebalancing the weapons so that they are all useful, adding more variety to runs.
I’m not the best at Monolith, it took me quite a while to get a full win, but that doesn’t make it any less fun to play. In my youth, I was really quite good at bullet-hell games, but nowadays those reflexes aren’t there. It’s a game designed for people who can dodge endless bullet curtains, and also, now more than ever, for those who struggle with it.
It’s truly inspiring to see something that takes from the past and the present and fuses it together into something so wonderful. There are other games that really capture the NES aesthetic and sensibility, like Odallus or The Messenger, but this one really gets the spirit of that whole era of games. It is at once light and airy, and also punishingly difficult. It offers tricks and outs, but also remains utterly mysterious and intimidating.
And that’s it. There are more games I enjoyed this year, like the remake of Link’s Awakening, but these are the big ones that stick out in my mind.
There are a lot of big narrative-heavy games I never got around to finishing, or even starting. It just doesn’t really fit with how I play games these days, listening to podcasts and aiming to relax, not engage with something on a deep level.
That’s okay, though. I’ll get around to ’em in the fullness of time.
Games of the Year 2019 2019 was a good year for games. Lots of interesting new ideas in the space, and some refinements of old ones.
#baba is you#Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night#code vein#Disco Elysium#Dragon Quest#Dragon Quest XI S#fire emblem three houses#goty#Monolith#video games
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oh hi there, welcome to holiday, JACKSON-DELANEY “DEAN” DAWSON. oh wait, you’ve been here. has anyone ever told you that you look like XAVIER SERRANO? you’re MALE and use HE/HIM? just checking. and you’ve been here for ALL YOUR LIFE? you’re TWENTY-TWO too, right? just curious. you work over at BIG ED’S CAR REPAIRS still? you know people say you’re LOYAL & COURAGEOUS, but STUBBORN & IMPULSIVE so i guess take that with a grain of salt. well, at least i do know you’re excited for HALLOWEEN. bye now!
& BASICS.
FULL NAME: Jackson-Delaney Alfred Dawson
NICKNAME(S): Dean
DOB: May 4th, 1997
AGE: twenty-two
FROM: Holiday, Maine
OCCUPATION: mechanic
ORIENTATION: bisexual actually gay but he don’t wanna admit that
SOCIAL STATUS: lower/working class
NOW PLAYING: Summertime Blues by Eddie Cochran
& BIOGRAPHY.
Dean’s parents must have had it in for him from the start, giving him the first name “Jackson-Delaney” & insisting he be addressed in full. It was important to their family history, they said. “Jackson” for his father and “Delaney” for some long-dead ancestor that frankly, had probably amounted to little else other than breeding. Dean always hated it, even when he was young. His name made him stick out like a sore thumb — made him the primary target for local bullies.
It didn’t help that they were poor as all hell, either. Dean spent the majority of his formative years in a cramped little trailer. His father was a chain smoker and a raging alcoholic, who squandered away what little money they had. Dean’s easiest memories are of smoke filled lungs and the smell of cheap whiskey.
His mother was the gentle sort, who loved him dearly. Unfortunately she was stuck in an abusive marriage with Jackson Dawson — who’s drunken mind would more often then not create conflicts between the two of them, which he would resolve with his fists. Dean was seven when his father started targeting him, too.
Everyone at school knew he had a rough upbringing. The teachers gave him that look. He was trouble even before trouble began. Most of the other kids pushed him away. But in fourth grade, at the age of nine, he was accepted into a group of fellow rag-tag delinquents. He was given the handle “Dean” and somehow, it just stuck.
They understood one another in a way no one else did, accepted and loved one another despite their many flaws. As they approached high school they formed a “gang” of sorts, complete with matching leather jackets. “The Hornets” they called themselves. They were all leather and grease, bloody knuckles and scraped knees. But a family, nonetheless. The Hornets are what got Dean through the hardest points in his life — providing him with support and companionship. They always tried to help him, giving him a place to stay or some extra food when things got bad at home. their efforts veiled by cheap excuses like “my mom hates you, so come piss her off” or “we gotta beef you up, Dean-y boy,” He appreciated that.
Dean was fourteen when his father passed. The cause of death, a car accident that not only took his old man’s life, but also severely disabled his mother. Now unable to walk, Dean was tasked with caring for them both. His father was gone but the damage had been done. Dean was hardened to the world in a way no child ever should be. Finding peace in only his music and the tiny slivers of teen rebellion that the Hornets provided him.
Dean flunked out of high school in his final year. Moving on to get a job as a mechanic at thd local garage. It’s been four years, but the hornets are still together. Stuck in that phase of teen rebellion that so preoccupies the troubled youth.
Dean wants to go back to school — his dream is to become a fireman. He wants to save people, rather than watch them fade away like he had his mother. However, he fears he’s not smart enough to do so, and even worse, what if the gang broke up? Dean couldn’t live with that. They’re the only family he has left.
HEADCANONS/MISC.
I know…he seems like a piece of shit…and he is but at least he knows it. & he’s trying…very hard to become a better person. Honestly, he probably needs some hardcore therapy but talking about your feelings is for pussies.
Will absolutely deck you if you DARE try and call him Jackson/Jack/Delaney/any derivative of his actual name
Dean’s BEST BUDDY is the leader of the hornets! They’ve been thick as thieves since they met. They’re also secretly crushing on one another? They kissed one night at a party in ninth grade. They were both heckin drunk, so they assume the other one doesn’t remember, and they never talked about it. Ever since then tho? There’s been some sexual tension in the gang.
Dean moved in with his best buddy when his mom died and now they share a shitty little apartment.
The hornets aren’t as tough as they think…sure they can crack a few skulls but honestly? they really care about one another and they’re all secretly a little soft.
And yeah, they’re all Greasers. It’s pretty extra.
All Dean listens to is Rock N’ Roll. The guy pomps his hair every day and carries a fucking comb in his back pocket.
#BringTheHornets
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Star Wars: The Last Jedi - Quill’s Quickies (No Spoilers)
This year, Star Wars has been almost mired in controversy. From the loot box controversy in EA’s Star Wars Battlefront II to the noticeable lack of non-white characters in The Last Jedi’s marketing. Rian Johnson making a total prat of himself by claiming that Kylo Ren is a dual protagonist with Rey, and now the reviews are in it turns out Episode 8 is the most divisive movie in the whole franchise, with critics clambering over themselves to praise the movie for its ‘bold new direction’ while the fans decry it as the arse-raping of their collective childhood. On the whole, I’d say this has been a complete and total cock-up.
I had no idea what to expect going in. I’m sure you all know how lukewarm I was about The Force Awakens. It didn’t surprise me in the slightest that the critics were praising the hell out of The Last Jedi considering they were doing the same thing with the previous film, which in my opinion was mediocre at best. The fan reaction surprised me. After all the blind (and arguably undeserved) praise The Force Awakens got, if even the fans are struggling to find good things to say about this movie, something must have gone spectacularly wrong.
So what did I, diehard Star Wars fan and professional arsehole, think of The Last Jedi? Well honestly I’m disappointed I didn’t hate it more. Truthfully I liked this movie about as much as I liked The Force Awakens, which is to say not very much. Like The Force Awakens, it’s a competently made movie and it’s possible to derive some enjoyment from it if you switch your brain off for two and half hours, but otherwise it’s just yet another tired retread of the original Star Wars movies that brings absolutely nothing new to the table. Not for the first time, I feel a real disconnect from the rest of the Star Wars community here. I have no idea why the critics are praising this movie for being a game changer because there’s genuinely nothing very revolutionary or groundbreaking going on here, and I’m confused as to why the fans have chosen to fling their bile and venom at a movie that, in my opinion, is the very definition of average. I mean sure, The Last Jedi isn’t very good and there were some bits that did kind of annoy me, but there’s nothing about it that’s outrageously offensive as far as I can see.
Let’s start with the things I liked. The biggest, shiniest gold star has to go to Finn. He was quite possibly the only new character I was in any way invested in last time around, and he’s just as brilliant here. We see him slowly embrace his new role as a hero of the Resistance and we also see him get the chance to stick it to his First Order oppressors, which I thought was quite emotionally satisfying. He’s joined by Rose, played by Kelly Marie Tran, who I thought was a nice addition to the cast and who undergoes the traditional everyman turned hero journey. I really liked her relationship with Finn and their scenes together are by far the highlight of the film, which makes their subtle erasure from the Star Wars marketing campaign all the more offensive to me because, as far as I’m concerned, they’re the main characters. They were the most developed, the ones I was most invested in, the only ones that actually grow and develop over the course of the film and who pretty much drive the plot.
The other thing I liked (and I can’t believe I’m saying this) is Kylo Ren. I really wasn’t impressed with him in The Force Awakens because he was pretty much just a shitty rehash of Darth Vader, and I mentioned in my review at the time how it might have been better to embrace the more weaselly and slightly pathetic nature of the character to help better distinguish him and give him his own identity. So I’m extremely pleased to see that’s exactly what this film does and it’s great. There’s no pretence anymore. Kylo Ren is this spoilt, impotent man-child that desperately craves power and attention, but doesn’t really know what he wants to do with it, and that’s glorious. That’s just the burst of inspiration the character sorely needed and Adam Driver does a great job with this new material. I’m actually looking forward to seeing where he goes in the next film and if they handle it well, he should make for a very unique antagonist (that’s antagonist Rian Johnson. AN-TAG-GON-NIST).
It’s just a pity that in order to prop up Kylo Ren, Rian Johnson felt the need to completely warp Luke Skywalker’s character into something wholly unrecognisable.
Yes now we come to the bad stuff, and there’s quite a bit. My main gripe is with Luke’s characterisation. In order to justify a lot of the plot, they have to make Luke this cynical halfwit and there are loads of moments where he says or does something that just simply doesn’t ring true with what we already know about him. His reasons for his exile are utterly out of character for one thing and his reasons behind his provocative statement that ‘it’s time for the Jedi to end’ are even more ludicrous. What’s worse is that the majority of the movie is dedicated to Rey trying to persuade Luke to come out of exile and rejoin the fight. Remember the scene in The Empire Strikes Back when Luke tries to persuade Yoda to train him? Well imagine that dragged out for an hour and a half. That’s pretty much the movie in the nutshell. I think that’s part of the reason why I loved Finn and Rose so much. Because it was a blessed relief to get off that fucking island for a while. There were several moments where I came close to dozing off.
I’m sure it’s no secret to anyone by this point that Rian Johnson has played pretty fast and loose with the Star Wars canon. Luke’s odd characterisation is one example. There are a few others. None of them truly insulting in my opinion. But the most notorious is a scene involving Leia, which I will hereby refer to as ‘The Scene.’ This got a lot of Star Wars fans riled up, but I personally thought it was absolutely hysterical just because of how random and idiotically daft it was. I’m not going to tell you what happened in ‘The Scene’ because this is a non-spoiler review. All I can say is you’ll know it when you see it.
Of course this was Carrie Fisher’s last film before her untimely death and that’s incredibly sad. Does The Last Jedi offer a fitting tribute to Princess/General/Queen (she’s a a Queen in my eyes) Leia Organa? Not really. In fact, outside of ‘The Scene’, Leia doesn’t really do anything worthy of comment. Some say she was mischaracterised too, but I don’t think so. At a push, I could see Leia doing some of the things she does. I just wish Fisher could have been given something with actual substance.
My views on Poe and Rey remain virtually unchanged. Poe Dameron is still a one dimensional cardboard cutout and I’m still continuously baffled as to why people like him so much. He doesn’t have a character. We’re two movies in and we still haven’t learnt a single sodding thing about him. Frankly I’ve seen fossils with more life in them. Rey meanwhile is still quite possibly one of the blandest protagonists I’ve ever seen. I’m struggling to find any reason to actually give a shit about her. Why should I be invested in her Jedi training? Why does she even need Jedi training when she seems capable of pulling any random superpower out of her arse at the convenience of the plot? At no point have these films ever given me a reason to care about her. Maybe if they focused more on her looking for her missing parents, I might be slightly more invested. And that’s another thing. In The Force Awakens, her missing parents are basically used as sequel bait. Here (without giving too much away) they’re pretty much just swept under the carpet entirely, which begs the question why was JJ Abrams wasting our time with them in the first fucking place (yes I am blaming JJ Abrams instead of Rian Johnson because Abrams was the one that actually came up with this shit and it’s very much reminiscent of his bullshit ‘mystery box’. The principle where an audience are naturally drawn to some big unknown or mystery and that he frequently utilises in his projects, most notably the TV series Lost. What he often forgets however is that good mysteries tend to have a satisfying fucking answer at the end).
And that’s pretty much all I have to say really. No doubt some of you are disappointed I haven’t quite given The Last Jedi the vengeful pummelling you’ve come to expect from me, but honestly I can’t work up the energy to get properly angry at it, and that’s largely because I’m past caring about this sequel trilogy. I think I’ve made my views on the sequel trilogy quite clear by now (that they’re a soulless cash grab concocted by studio execs who wouldn’t recognise a decent script if one jumped up and bit them on the arse) and I think it’s my total lack of interest that kind of shields me from some of Rian Johnson’s ‘creative’ decisions. These movies don’t count as far as I’m concerned. I’m not especially bothered by Johnson’s ‘reimagining’ and there’s nothing truly terrible going on here. The only crime The Last Jedi is really guilty of in my opinion is that there’s large swathes of it that are just really, really boring. And the main reason for this (apart from the obscenely long running time and a plot that drags its feet) is because, like with The Force Awakens, a lot of this stuff has been done before and done better in the original trilogy. While The Force Awakens ripped off A New Hope and a few elements from The Empire Strikes Back, The Last Jedi rips off The Empire Strikes Back and a few elements from Return Of The Jedi. What makes it slightly more egregious here is that The Empire Strikes Back and Return Of The Jedi are both very emotionally charged stories that rely on three films’ worth of character development and buildup to make an impact, whereas The Last Jedi just blunders in, trying to replicate these emotional moments, but fails to recognise what made them so powerful to begin with and hasn’t done any of the legwork to make us feel truly invested in what’s going on, and thus it has all the impact of a feather duster.
So that’s The Last Jedi. A pointless and mediocre middle chapter to what has so far been a pointless and mediocre trilogy. The one bright side is that now it appears they’ve finally rehashed all they can from the original trilogy, there’s a chance we might finally get to see some original ideas in Episode 9. Unless they’re planning to ripoff the prequels next. In which case Disney must be more creatively bankrupt than I thought.
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I see your posts for Boruto and I love them because I think they are so accurate. I am actively in the Naruto fan base, with Boruto though I am really starting to hate it. Your posts make it seem tolerable!
thanks so much, darling. honestly i’m not exactly in the fandom anymore myself with naruto. something i don’t tell people is that i stopped watching when tobi was introduced so you can imagine how far back that was. there were so many characters being introduced that i lost track of what the hell was going on, i remember the exact episode i said fuck it on too. i played ninja storm naruto so i felt like i had a good handle on the storyline but i didn’t actively come back until the ending. which was utter trash. i’m not an advocate of boruto whatsoever, i expose it for what it is; also trash. it’s rehashed and copy/pasted bullshit, nothing original. i make fun of it because there are people who probably don’t understand how they are supposed to feel about it, so i ad-lib the series to make it something where they can at least laugh at it.the sasusaku and naruhina fandoms are toxic. naruhina fans don’t pay attention to actual material and sasusaku makes up whatever the hell they want to. the ONLY fandoms apart of naruto that actually have main positivity is sasukarin, narusasu and narusaku. if you go into those tags you won’t feel the animosity, i swear to you those tags are in their own worlds and it feels NATURAL. it doesn’t feel forced or toxic. if you wanna feel good about anything in naruto–search those tags and bask in the positivity.
want my advice though? there are other animes that are nowhere near as toxic/underdeveloped that i’ve recently become apart of. there aren’t any ship wars, there aren’t characters we have to say “pro them and anti them” it’s all..full of love.
hunter x hunter – naruto derived from hunter x hunter and if you want a series where they handle everything right, this is one to hop on the train for. this is one damn good series where the antagonists you actually feel empathy towards. not like apologetic but hunter x hunter exposes the fact that antagonists are not evil people, with evil morals. like it makes you sorta wanna be on their side, basically it makes it hard to dislike them. which is GOOD writing. their motives aren’t “save/destroy the world” either, the author actually made their motives and interests relatable/personal. which is something a LOT of authors don’t do well. he doesn’t alienate his audience. also a side note is character development is magnificent. watch some youtube videos behind the theories of this anime, your mind will be blown out of the water. there are parallels i’ve NEVER noticed the first time watching between characters. also there isn’t a main protagonist.
my hero academia – this is basically naruto done RIGHT. you have your characters that the story starts with but doesn’t stay on. it expands, you get subtle background on characters but not so much where your attention shifts from other characters, it keeps you guessing and it keeps you engaged. battles aren’t dragged on for ten episodes or five damn years. there’s also something relatable about the series, with izuku being a true definition of underdog. also the characters actually TRAIN. that’s a massive plus, we don’t just see these power ups. i also love how the power ups also aren’t overly done or asspulls. the characters also have weaknesses!!! like they have LIMITS!! the main character LOSES battles!! the main character reflects on OTHERS!! on HIMSELF!!! it’s not all about HIM!!! this series will make you cry, will make you laugh and actually make you sit on the edge of your chair. in the fandom itself we all have one main spoken rule; everybody fucking hates mineta.
assassination classroom – talk about underrated as hell. you want a true underdog? this entire series is about achieving the impossible and gaining true utter respect. it also has antagonists (aside from that ONE guy, y'all KNOW the one) who become likable. it’s not centered around romance because it doesn’t matter. what you THOUGHT you knew, you DON’T know, meaning this series ISN’T predictable. it keeps you engaged and i have to admit i’ve rewatched it numerous times and i cry, laugh and breakdown every time. there’s something about this series that brings you to life. these kids aren’t even the definition of “troubled” either, there’s a kid in that classroom who is literally there only because his family is poor and he was caught with a job making money, which is illegal for families to rise even slightly above the poverty line because it’s essentially stealing from the government i guess.character development and plot twists GALORE!!! the only spoken rule in this anime; korosensei is everybody’s daddy. (sexual or familial, all up to you, in most cases people wouldn’t mind either)
gintama – for a series with 80% of it making no sense, it actually makes more sense than naruto did as a whole and that says a lot because gintama doesn’t have a set and stone plot line. yet the characters are relatable. there was an episode about the man who didn’t say a word to anyone because he was too scared, he was relevant for one or two episodes and we got an ENTIRE character development. it was fascinating. we also have characters that looks can be deceiving with. Sougo who has a baby face, is a sadist yet the most loyal bad ass there is. Sarutobi is also a sadist yet she has incredible development on her own aside from trying to rape gintoki basically. Katsura is a damn idiot but he’s gorgeous as hell. Kamui talks like a child with a gentle smile and he’s actually brutal as hell – basically this series is everything you could ever not expect. And what’s even BETTER about gintama is there is absolutely no hatred for anyone or anything. search this fandom in the tags and you won’t find a single thing centered around hatred. this fandom is as healthy as it gets because there’s nothing but love.
this is just a few. i promise on my life to you that the naruto fandom isn’t all there is. and believe me – no other fandom is even nearly as toxic/unlikeable.
#anti boruto#anti naruto ending#anti naruhina#hunter x hunter#hxh#bnha#mha#my hero academia#assassination classroom#anime#narusaku#sasukarin#narusasu#gintama#anti sasusaku#hxh 2011#hxh 1999#gintama 2017#gintama 2015#boku no hero academia
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i dont really have the highest hopes for making the goal i had for school
odds are i fail a class, do poorly in another or two, and maybe get by decently in one of them
i really regret doing online courses since it always goes back to “oh i missed that because it wasn’t posted,” “oh the professors don’t use the news alert system when new stuff is added with a concise explanation of what I need to do in that post blurb that’s 3500 words of bs,” “oh i didnt realize this awkward and uncomfortable ‘post your personal assignments here that are about yourself so a bunch of strangers can also read and criticize it’ was required,” “the syllabus is written out of order, it’s messy and has a bunch of color code usage that’s never explained and makes reading it harder and, oh, they want me to print it out too bad i dont have a fucking printer and looking at it makes me want to throw up since it’s literally just everything put up on a page and i just start panicking because its so much stuff and it immediately overwhelms me”
i also fuckin hate the professors who’ll say like “if you’re here just to get a degree you’re in the wrong place” b/c it’s like college costs a lot of fuckin money and you can bet your ass the only reason im here is to get a degree so i can eventually have a job that lets me be financially stable. trying to say “oh it’s just for funtime education” is bullshit when it costs what it does and isn’t even accessible to everyone from the get-go. i could learn the exact same shit for free from a fucking library and the internet, and talk to people i know if i have questions about material. but that doesn’t give me the piece of paper i need.
idk i wish there was more of a “oh i can go do this and be fine financially” rather than needing to spend years in a university because i really hate it. i *wish* i hadn’t fucked up before and been as suicidal and couldve got through it *before* its used as a “yea we can’t have you here cuz you dropped out in the past” *even when* it’s an associated school with the one i *did* drop out of and they told me they *would* re-accept me when i was healthier.
no im not a great student. i get overwhelmed really easily, i stress out over everything too much, i break down if i miss one assignment. i dont do well on the shit i actually try really hard at. i dont participate in class because it’s a terrifying experience to be called a fucking “idiot” again by a professor (ty philosopher dickhead at uwgb im gonna fucking punch you if i ever see you)
i *forget* about assignments a *lot* and *yes* that’s a *my* problem thing but it’s something so extremely difficult to work around without having someone telling me about it, or just having a visible schedule written down about what’s due on a front page that always pops up. which i mean yeah it’s extra work i guess for the professor to just copy paste some info that’d really help me out, and no i dont have this issue as much in a traditional school b/c i actually *go* to the classes to sit in and be reminded through that.
and yea im probly gonna fail out unless the other university sighs and says “well she did try and it was online” and ngl i probably would be *fine* in a regular classroom oriented thing *now* it’s more organized and there’s a schedule i can keep to and get into and when i get *into* a schedule i stick to it 100% b/c i derive a sense of security, existence and safety from having schedules.
but if i fail out and they dont sigh and say “okay” then im kinda fucked. i mean, i could probably attempt to get through another year there and maybe go to the actual school instead of the online bullshit and *maybe* then i’d actually meet the reqs. but idk if that offer is gonna stand after this year.
and idk im just back to feeling really fucking hopeless and empty. i mean ive been feeling this way all this month. i feel like nothings fucking worth it because i feel like i just cant do it. and that ultimately im gonna end up fucked.
and i *know* im 90% of the problem. i *know* my thinking of “what’s the point” is screwing me over. i *know* accidentally falling asleep an staying asleep for a whole day is a fucking issue. i *know* i shouldnt forget important shit i need to do. i *know* i should participate no matter how fucking uncomfortable and frightened it makes me. but it feels fucking *impossible* to work with 0 energy. it feels terrifying to be asked “write an introspective piece about yourself and reflect on the events of your life that made you who you are today” BECAUSE i dont talk about THAT STUFF to people I DONT KNOW i *BARELY* covered those topics in *therapy* because of how uncomfortable they make me. and I DONT need a bunch of strangers in a class knowing the shit that happened to me. and fuck i feel like the entire idea behind the writing assignment was “oh this’ll be fun haha” but it’s like... remembering *most of the shit hat directly impacted how i am today* is one of the most fucking difficult things for me to do, especially publicly.
i *regret* online schooling. i didnt realize how much i dont work with it until i thought about it this year. i get overwhelmed. i get stressed. i get depressed. i get suicidal. i get hopeless. i feel useless.
i didnt realize i *need* to actually *go* to a class because it helps with the isolation i put myself in. because i straight up actually understand shit when someone is actually explaining it to me and not just handing me a textbook and saying “read it that’s it that’s the entire class, but oh, write an informed paper structured off what you read and if you dont understand the material well go fuck yourself i guess.” and in actually *going* there to a physical room it becomes easier to do things like homework and assignments *because i can walk over to the library*.
what *really* shit on my previous school ability was like
i was overwhelmed (we *just* moved to a *completely* different state and environment, i *just* had a series of panic attacks in italy b/c i thought i could handle it on my own) and the first school didn’t have a/c and it was fucking 101 outside every day and i dont do well in heat, and by that, i mean i hyperventilate, i get dizzy, i get lightheaded, i get emotional and frightened and stressed and cant sleep.
the professor who asked if we read the chapter (I DID) and then pointed at me to explain what i read (I DIDNT FUCKING UNDERSTAND IT), and when i finished he just laughed and told me to sit down and pretty much called me an idiot in front of everyone and i started crying. (i also got a 0 so i failed the reading since he didnt believe i read it).
at *that* school there were no therapy or counseling or offers like that. the art building made me cry and feel unsafe (i couldnt control it), having to walk *all* the way back to my dorm building at 12AM b/c that’s when my one class ended was *terrifying*
then in a different school it was just
i had a class that made me physically uncomfortable to be in. i *hated* being in the freshman course for feminism so much. not b/c i hate the material, but i felt so “other” and uncomfortable b/c im a trans woman being asked about my male perspective on shit and i just. i remember leaving because i just felt upset and depressed and i couldn’t get over the really bad dysphoria i kept having in that class (the professor there was the reason i went to counseling on campus, she’s the one who referred me to it in the first place).
on top of that, the dorm i was told id be getting was a fucking lie. i was supposed to have one or 0 roommates. i got 5 roommates. beds didn’t fit me b/c of my height (i slept with the back of my feet on an iron bar). the food was straight fucking garbage. one of my roommates just randomly touched me all the time. hugged me, put arms around my neck, *kissed my cheek*. another was always drunk and loud. another talked about making bombs incessantly. one of them seemed actually concerned about me and he came in once or twice when i was face down on my bed just not moving b/c of therapy sessions and talked to me once or twice to make sure i was still alive.
friday mornings in winter id be up at 5AM, trying to get ready without waking any of the 5 other people, then walk outside with no access to breakfast/coffee/anything (b/c too early) to get to a class across and off the campus i had to walk to (and when snow was present my feet were numb b/c of all the water that got into my shoes).
and then there was the legit getting 4 hours of sleep if that a week. eating basically nothing. extremely suicidal and getting to the point where i was having days where i legitimately could not discern what was real and wasn’t.
and then i left ‘cuz my other option was to be hospitalized.
from there its just been attempts at online schools. which i already tiraded about above.
i mean fuck id be happy if i *could* just go work in retail and make a decent wage and not have to work every waking hour of my life to make it work. like.
i *wish* i was lucky enough to be one of those “i had no degree but x really liked my resume” stories i always read about.
i *wish* writing and publishing a book was considered and *was* a viable career option without needing to get really fucking lucky.
im passionate about writing fiction, but in order to do that professionally, i need a 4 year degree from an institution. i can technically publish something, but if no one ever hears about it or cares, then it doesn’t become a job to have and it does little else.
and then there’s also just a lot of irl shit i keep worrying about and dwelling on and nearly making some really fucked up or stupid decisions in the interim.
and idk i just
i wish i was one of those ppl who felt like they had a future and aren’t likely to die before age 25.
or one of those people who just *does* something and it works out and they get to exist.
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10 facts about meme: Lucy? And Adelaide, if you don't mind doing two?
send me one of my oc’s and i tell you ten facts about them
This is the shitty, “I fell asleep instead of doing this last night, and then, when I was almost fucking done, trying to make tumblr instant messenger stop doing something made it decide to click over somewhere else, and Firefox apparently doesn’t let the Lazarus extension work anymore, so I lost everything and am completely skimming out of frustration because the original was detailed and cool, and I lost basically all of it” version
LUCY
1. Has never completed a Pokémon game with a grass or water starter. She just doesn’t bond with them as much as she does with the fire starters, and any time she tries to pick a grass or water starter, she inevitably gives up, restarts, and picks the fire starter instead.
2. Since she turned 18, she’s made a point of giving blood as often as possible, because she’s type-O negative (the universal donor), and the Red Cross is pretty much always running short on blood, which can leave a lot of people totally screwed when they need to get transfusions.
3. Doesn’t believe in astrology and dismisses most of things in that vein as a cold-reading scam that’s based on exploiting people’s ability to project themselves onto anything…… but she does have an interest in dream interpretation.
4. She finds recipes confusing, and is even more befuddled by the Food Network and, “how to make [x baked goods]” videos on youtube, to the point that she finds them more stressful than getting a, “We need to talk” text from her parents. And yet, she is not confused by instructions in a chemistry lab.
5. She loves her red hair, but hates being called, “ginger.” It’s not that she thinks the word is offensive or anything; she just thinks that it sounds weird and slightly disgusting.
6. One of her favorite forms of, “teenage rebellion” was watching televangelists (or more accurately, having them on while she did other stuff because it’s really easy for Lucy to tune them out), which Lucy wouldn’t have liked so much if she’d actually paid attention to any of them (because of how televangelists exploit their viewers’ pain and suffering, get rich off of it, and don’t have to pay taxes on most of that money because they call it, “religious donations”) — but it did successfully annoy her very Catholic parents and very Catholic, “he’s a legit priest and everything” uncle.
7. A horror movie can be as political or politically coded as it wants. Unless it does something truly novel with the genre, like Get Out, then Lucy will probably just roll her eyes, complain about how many people value, “edginess” over quality, and then go watch The Great Mouse Detective for the umpteenth time. It’s not even that she gets squicked by horror movies, because she stops at dismissing all of them as edgelord garbage and doesn’t give them a chance.
8. She has even less patience for the films of Christopher Nolan, and literally the only one that she doesn’t go in too hard on is The Dark Knight, which only gets any consideration because Heath Ledger died not that long after making it, in ways that were pretty heavily associated with the movie in popular culture.
Not that she really cares about Heath Ledger, or even about the taboo on speaking ill of the dead, but she figures that he isn’t Ronald Reagan levels of terrible, or worse, so it’s easier to just not get into it with people over Heath Ledger when all that she wanted to say was that The Dark Knight isn’t actually that great
She will, however, talk shit about Ronald Reagan pretty much any time she’s given an opportunity, and especially if her Mom and Dad are around (because they were big Reaganites, back in the day, and annoying them with her hatred of the Gipper keeps them from paying attention to things like how her, “best friend” Sara Grace is actually her girlfriend)
9. Her answer to the question of whether she prefers cats or dogs will probably be something like, “iguanas” because she hates the assumption that it’s not possible to love cats and dogs more or less equally, but she also has better things to argue with people about.
10. She can’t whistle, she’s not really a very good dancer, and the last time she tried to tie a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue, she wound up swallowing it.
ADELAIDE
1. At 5’11”, Addie is taller than her big brother and their Mom (who are both 5’10”), and when standing up as best man when Max and Linda got married, she didn’t try to make him feel short, but she did wear a nice pair of heels and didn’t really go out of her way not to make him feel short, either.
2. By all rights, Addie probably should’ve been diagnosed with ADHD a while ago, but because her childhood and adolescence lasted from about 1986-2000 (when she turned 18), and because in 2017, ADHD is still badly misunderstood and under-diagnosed in AFAB kids, Addie got missed and made it to 33, thinking that all of her ADHD symptoms are just personal quirks or failings.
3. Her favorite color is purple. The darker the shade, the better.
4. Her ability to interpret song lyrics is often questionable. Like, on one hand, she’s totally made the mistake of hearing, “There’s a bathroom on the right” instead of, “There’s a bad moon on the rise” during the chorus of Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Bad Moon Rising”
—and on the other hand, she completely missed that most of Missy Elliot’s “Work It” is explicitly about cunnilingus until Pete asked her what the Hell she thought the lyric, “Go downtown and eat it like a vulture” was referring to, especially given its proximity to Ms. Elliot talking about shaving her chocha. (All Addie has to say for herself is that she got caught up on the, “Girls, girls, get that cash / If it’s 9 to 5 or shakin’ your ass” verse.)
She also thought that Spice Girls were singing about group sex in “Wannabe,” rather than singing about making sure that your significant other can get along with your gal pals, and she kept thinking this until mid-September 2012.
5. As far as her family knows, Addie almost got arrested on her 18th birthday and had to run from the cops while she and a few friends were kinda drunk and screwing around in New York City. What really happened was that her birthday was on a Saturday, so they signed themselves out of school for the weekend, went to NYC, and saw the revival of Jesus Christ Superstar because her parents bought them tickets.
Then, they used fake ID’s to get some alcohol and got kinda drunk. Then, while they were screwing around in Brooklyn instead of going to cousin Jeremy’s place and crashing for the night, they wound up going by a gay bar, where Addie tripped over her own feet and got caught by a cute butch lesbian who happened to be dressed as a sexy cop for a themed party at said gay bar and had gone outside for a smoke break.
Then, one of Addie’s friends mistook this poor woman for a real cop and insisted that they run, and despite putting it together in the cold, sober light of day that there had been no actual danger, Addie told Sebastian the, “We so totally almost got arrested” story because she thought it sounded cooler, and at this point, it’s been 15 years, and she doesn’t see a point in correcting her family when her younger cousins get the, “Don’t get too rowdy on your 18th birthday or you may end up running from the cops like Adelaide” cautionary tale.
6. She would probably try to play real-world Quidditch, if she could get anyone to play with her, but that’s not going to happen, because everyone who knows her also knows that Addie is competitive as fuck, and that playing “muggle Quidditch” with her is a good way to get at least mildly injured.
7. She can see where the dislike that a lot of people in her life have for the All-Stars comes from, but personally, Addie doesn’t buy into it herself. She doesn’t really care to defend them, either, but at this point, she feels like most of the world’s problems can’t be solved with super-strength or heat vision, and they’re more complicated than the All-Stars’ image would allow them to handle, so it’s best to see the All-Stars as entertainers, rather than actual heroes.
Not that she begrudges anyone their annoyance with the fact that the All-Stars make, “we are actual heroes” a cornerstone of their so-called “brand,” but if you ask Addie, it’s not all that much different from how U.S. politicians lie up one side and down the other about basically everything, and how much of U.S. politics is increasingly little more than a theatre spectacle to cover up what’s actually going on
Oddly enough, Addie is accidentally on to something with that, because a lot of the supervillains in this universe are not truly participating in any shadowy conspiracy…… but they are being manipulated by members of one, and alternately being used as a source of talking points, or as distractions, so that the folks in said shadowy conspiracy (who are a mix of mutants and not) can push through their own agendas and try to secure their own power at the expense of anyone who gets in their way
Not that it’s really here or there at the moment, but this is totally going to bite them in the ass, partly from the people they’ve been exploiting and screwing over for decades putting shit together and pushing back, and partly because they decide to bank on installing a puppet who isn’t as easily controlled or as easily made to serve their agendas as they think. Anyway, as I was saying.
8. If Adelaide hadn’t gone into the family business and started vying with Max to see who’s going to become CEO when their Dad retires, she probably would’ve gone into advertising. If not that, she most likely would’ve gone to law school.
However, despite the fact that her Mom and several of her cousins are lawyers, Addie’s notions about how being a lawyer works are mostly derived from Legally Blonde, Ally McBeal, and Law and Order: SVU, so it might be a good thing that she has no idea what she’d actually want to do at law school.
9. Popular wisdom holds that she only isn’t the worst driver out of her siblings because Sebastian is the one who should’ve racked up multiple DUI charges by now, by all rights shouldn’t have his license anymore, and rarely uses it these days anyway because he, “doesn’t have PTSD, he just doesn’t like driving okay, it kinda freaks him out” (…which it does because of the PTSD that he allegedly doesn’t have but that’s another matter)
Addie holds that this popular wisdom is misogynistic bullshit being passed off as familial teasing, because actually, she’s a much better driver than all three of her brothers (with both cars and motorcycles, though only she and Seb have ever driven one of those, so it’s a little unfair to Max and Ambrose)
—and she may not know how to fix more complicated car problems, but she can at least get a better grasp on what might be wrong than, “I don’t know, it keeps making a thunka thunka thunka sound if you go above 60 mph” and she has more than once fixed something for her brothers that turned out to be something like, “You were driving with the parking brake on, dumb-ass”
10. Her go-to karaoke night songs are Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” and Rick Springfield’s “Jessie’s Girl” — the latter of which would be funnier to Adelaide if she’d intended to sound hella bi when she first started doing it, rather than picking it because she was kinda drunk and knew all the words, then getting really into singing it and having no conscious idea where those emotions were coming from
#builttobalance#ask box tag#memes for ts#ocs tag#that story with the mutants that i should find a working title for fml#adelaide moncrieff: ambitious disaster#lucy murphy: hemokinetic disaster#alcohol ref//#ten facts meme
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I hate that I get overwhelmed with things I KNOW I can handle. I hate that I worry people or stop talking to them and I hate that when I finally can again its just like a weird dream that doesn’t even make sense to me why I felt like that. I hate that when I’m finally okay again I’m still anxious, and I need to make it up and prove I care because if there’s anything my family has made clear to me its that self isolation just drives people away and the more you push them away the more likely it is that you’ll have chased them away for good this time. I hate how much I care, caring hurts and I hate it that other people matter so much and I don’t know how to explain that in a way that doesn’t make it sound like I hate the people, I don’t I adore them and would keep them forever if I could. I hate that I have this unreasoning fear I can push off and ignore largely and act like any other dumb “kid” my age sometimes but other times its impossible and I’m just a mess like its all or nothing I’m okay or I’m not and I don’t get to decided when that switch flicks. Only some times I CAN push past it which just goes to show theres nothing wrong with me if I just get off my ass and deal like a grown ass woman. I hate that I hate myself not because its unhealthy or unreasonable but because of the position it puts people in that are attempting to care about me. I push people away and punish them for caring about me and make my problems a problem for others and let it take me away from people who need me, or at the very least could use a little easily given validation. People have done so much for me and I take and take and hardly give anything in return. and I keep fucking up my life making it more and more likely that everyones efforts are fruitless, that I’ll never get my shit together, that I’ll never really be able to repay people or help anyone I care about when they need it. I hate relationships because I cant or dont or wont hold up my end, i’m not reliable. I hate being that person. I hate that I dont change in large ways and i hate that EVERYTHING is constant drama with me. I spend 90% of my time each day avoiding drama to the point I need a constant source of positive stimulus to make time bearable why the fuck would I ever want to make it harder or be a drain on others. I can’t be relied upon. I hate that I’m afraid. Afraid. Afraid when things are bad yes, but things are always bad and theres a part of me that prefers it. But I’m even more afraid when things are good or people are nice and I don’t know how to handle it. I hate that I don’t know how to handle it, that I blow everything out of proportion. I hate that I constantly want to apologize and that I cant sit down and explain the ten infractions I just made against your person even though I KNOW you either didn’t notice or it wasn’t a big enough deal to make issue of, and yet here I am making issue of them by apologizing. I hate that saying sorry for everything robs my apology of sincerity or legitimacy because I promise I truly mean it every time. I hate that I want to make excuses by going “its because I have avpd” but that i don’t see that as an actual excuse because the only time I think something might actually be wrong with me is when I feel like this and I do my best to never feel like this. I hate that ensuring that I am okay and stable every hour of the day - despite being apart of my everyday functions - robs me of the same amount of applicable functionality as a full breakdown, the only true difference being at least I didn’t spend the day literally crying and shaking and unable to breathe without active concentration. I hate that the older I get the less I’m able to just set my mind and do things - the more likely I am to panic over something that should be routine or thoughtless or at the very least I KNOW whats going to happen and why and nothing bad is happening so I should be fine only I’m just NOT anymore. I hate that I’m afraid to claim people I honestly care about as friends for too many reasons to count. I hate that entire concept of pity. I hate that I have no real self esteem to speak of and yet I have enough fucking pride to choke a horse. I hate I hate I hate I hate and I am afraid. Sith ideology may not be a real system but anger is based on fear and I hate myself because of shame and I cant turn that off ever.and I cant even put that hate to good use like both the dark side and my dad advise because it is crippling. I hate that as soon as the switch flips I’ll go back to thinking nothing is wrong with me and yet I’ve got an entire rap sheet of things right here that probably prove yeah. Avpd is a thing I have. and yet NOTHING is wrong or too much to handle in any of this its just ME making it too big and overwhelming and giving up and being stupid and weak and I hate it so much because I can feel like this and know I have no excuse I did it all to myself and I deserve any and all suffering I derive from it because of it and maybe when I hit rock bottom I’ll pull my act together only I keep hitting rock bottom and its more like trying to swim in a pool and drowning instead and just I keep bounching to catch a breath only to slip back under and everyone in my family just stands around helpless because they all know I can swim and tread water and they keep throwing life preservers but i either dont grab them or slip off as soon as i catch my breath because i can swim damn it and no one fucking gets it or cares or can do anything about it because in the long run it doesnt matter you just have to fucking deal only my ablility to deal slips away on a regular bases and so you’ve just got to do the best you can with what you’ve got only it doesnt work like that for me and it never has no matter how much i wanted it to and it doesn’t matter because its just my fucking problem the problem is with me and I fucking broke myself so I should be able to put myself back together only nothings wrong with me i just need to get off my ass an stop feeling sorry for myself and everything just builds and builds and builds good bad it doesnt matter if its an emotion it fucks me over in the end and can you see why i hate dealing with people when if i’m not constantly a raw nerve I know I could turn into one at any fucking second and theres no off switch for that and theres no allowances for that in normal society you cant just go off and break down or have a panic attack in the bathroom for a hour or start crying for no reason and work retail even if retail is easy and you know what the fuck you’re doing because praise and criticism destroys you the same and it doesn’t matter if you like the people involved or not and then you over analyze EVERYTHING not JUST the fun stuff like characters and stories but everything so you always come out the worse for wear no matter how much you like and enjoy talking to people and then I do shit like this and over share or I just blow people off by being a smart ass or trying to be funny or avoiding things all together or I don’t and I over react and it just makes things weird and akward and hard and puts shit on people and so you try to keep things on others and when they let you its delightful and easy for a little while because even though its technically wrong at least you FEEL like you’re failing less and honestly thats all you can settle for is being LESS of a fuck up. I don’t want my family to take things away from me, even if I cant handle shit even if I’m a failure I cant literally cant handle that I cant and I wont let them or anyone I just cant I can do this I just have to do it my way which i know is wrong but honestly ever since I started taking small victories where I can and settling for less failure I’ve felt more okay which my family has noticed but at the same time I’ve lost my shrink and my job and now i’ve got to be the adult in the only relationship in my life thats ever been effortless and I just .... god and what set me off today is how excited/nervous I was about maybe saying hi in the chat and how I was telling my brain itd be okay but then I thought about how I worried them and I just lost it and with my luck someone will actually read this stupid vent post and be worried all over again or worse or just say fuck that bat shit crazy bs or whiny bitch or whatever and ... i just needed to vent and more than that I just wish I could make someone understand. I KNOW and think perfectly fine and can deal and function and I’m just pretty standard if unexceptional person of my generation... except when it comes to emotions. then I’m I fucking broken robot and sound like a nut case or a brat or whatever. Theres nothing wrong with me. not in a way that should be fucking with my life sense I KNOW better you know? People have it worse than me are doing way better I have no excuse except lazyness and selfishness and shit along those lines.
#vent post#sorry#everythings fine#just#actually avpd#which... isnt a thing#its just a thing#or maybe i mean#it isnt a problem with me#the problem IS me#so theres no problem at all#just how i deal with#which i don't#so i've got no one but myself to balme#you see?#i dunno i'm tired#fuck off#... i don't mean that agressively or anything i'm just#look i doubt anyones reading this anyways cant i just not over think everything i say and how it may come across#no?#yeah i didn't fuckng think so#fuck you brain#tired#should write sense sleep is never a option
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the thing journal, 4.9.2017
scattered thoughts on the things i took in over the last seven days. this week: hannibal s3, bad cop/bad cop, the lobster, netflix teen mystery drama (yeah i’m not gonna type the name out, i ain’t finna deal with a fandom), joey bada$$, the big nowhere, win it all
1) Hannibal, season three: Boy, we sure did spend half the season stumbling aimlessly around Italy, didn't we? No no no, give me another abstract montage with fun camera tricks and eight layers of symbolism, Mr. Neftali, I was gonna say, it's been a few scenes since we've had a montage, when are you gonna deliver another one? FUCK IT! THERE AIN'T GONNA BE A SEASON FOUR! INDULGE ALL YOUR WORST IMPULSES! The show picked up once it got to the Red Dragon plot, and one would have to imagine that is due to the fact of, um, the plot existing at that point?, but I think this show took these characters about as far as they could go. This was a good place for it to end. I'm not sure how far they could have gone having everyone speak to Hannibal through a wall for 13 episodes (it was starting to get tired even after a few episodes here). I did enjoy the Red Dragon episodes, that was the Hannibal I loved in the first two seasons, and it built well toward the ultimate ending (or penultimate ending, yay post-credits sequence, do set up that fourth season, no no no definitely gonna happen). Not Hannibal at its best, but close enough and still good enough when it was On that it I'm still OK calling Hannibal one of my favorite series of all time.
2) Not Sorry, by Bad Cop/Bad Cop: I DERIVED VALUE FROM A DIVE INTO YOUTUBE COMMENTS I went into the comments under a Bombpops song just to see what they were like, and they weren't... as bad as I expected? Not good, but at least not explicitly hateful. But someone in the comments mentioned this band, and I was intrigued enough by the name to check 'em out. (I check out new-to-me bands if they're recommended by a trusted source or if they have a dope name.) And that YouTube comment was right, this album fucking rules. "Cheers" is another item in the long list of things I love named Cheers, the closer is superb, and just, there's so much punk/rock goodness, and I can't believe I heard about them via a fucking YouTube comment.
3) The Lobster, by Yorgos Lanthimos: yoooooooooooooooo My chief disagreement with this film is that it's sort of a waste of a fantastical premise. Maybe I'm just spoiled by BoJack Horseman, but I think the premise that single people are turned into animals was mostly wasted, didn't provide for any interesting background jokes, didn't create moral dilemmas when the woman asked the dude to catch rabbits, was barely even a concern through the second half of the film. It only sticks out because so much of the rest of the film was executed superbly. I loved where the film took the main part of the premise (you have to find a mate, you have to share one defining characteristic with that mate; on the outskirts of civilization are Loners). The dialogue is so stilted and unnatural and performed in a highly mannered way, and once you get to the Loners and there's this woman speaking freely and naturally, it really adds to The Leader's power (and that's such a fucking cool performance, too, on its own), and it makes it more pronounced that the dude and the woman never quite break from their practiced way of talking, never quite breaking from the society that instructs, "This is what love is. Loneliness is dangerous." It's also some of the bleakest comedy you'll ever see. It's an odd fit for John C. Reilly's big ol' heart, but he makes it work as he always does, and MY GOSH THE HEARTLESS WOMAN. I WANT A WHOLE MOVIE ABOUT WHAT THE HEARTLESS WOMAN GOT UP TO BEFORE COLIN FARRELL CAME ALONG.
4) Netflix Teen Mystery Drama, s1, cr. Brian Yorkey: So, one good thing, I loved how the show delineated Today from Yesterday, making Today cold and Yesterday warm. It's a simple thing they did, but it gave the show a distinct look and let them do some neat visual stuff with the flashback structure, like I'm not sure I stick with this show if it weren't such a cool thing to look at. Because fucking yeesh. This is a show about stupid people who keep secrets. Literally the entire show doesn't exist if any character told the truth to anyone else in this show at any point. Half of this show is one character saying to another, "I can't tell you that yet" or "I'm not at liberty to discuss that" or "You'll have to find out for yourself" or "This stays between us." I'm hesitant to say it's bad writing, these are TV professionals and I’m a yutz with a blog, but I found it highly disagreeable. And that sucks that the show was written like this, because there's something great about this idea of how kids hurt each other without realizing what they're doing because they’re idiots who don’t know how to be people. I thought it was fascinating that, as these horrible things were happening to the main girl, they kept cutting to the main dude being on the margins, observing the events but not doing anything helpful, and if the show had a tighter focus and could have followed that arrow more closely, it would have been so much better for it. I know this was based on a novel, and while I will likely not read the novel, I have to imagine the novel is better, because the novel doesn't have to fill 13 hours of television with All The Things ALL THE THINGS and pad itself out by having people lie to each other until it is time to make the revelation ("Why can't you tell me now?" "Because you have to wait." "For what?" "Episode nine." Like if you won't be real with each other at least be real with me), and it can be about just The One Thing. That sounds so much better than this show, which feels overstuffed and, I just, I have to ask, season one? Season one. Are you kidding me. How are you going to find 13 more hours in this universe, about these people. Like, I'm good. It's like Broadchurch, I will respect that there's other seasons, but I think y'all did what you came to do in the one. Honestly, between this and the American Psycho musical, I have no idea how Next to Normal is so good. (Compliment sandwich! The main girl was a really cool character, and it was so easy to imagine this being a show about Natalie from N2N in an alternate timeline. Also, I kept count, the exchange "Hey." "Hey." appears in this show four times.) Wow that was hella paragraph for something I wasn't keen on.
5) ALL-AMERIKKKAN BADA$$, by JOEY BADA$$: Hey. White man, here, trying to offer critical assessment of an album called ALL-AMERIKKKAN BADA$$. ...Maybe it's not my place. I mean, it's not really my place to offer criticism on, um, anything, but ESPECIALLY an album about what it's like to be black in America, and not just the Trump America (though he's not happy about that, either), but in an America that has always hated black people, Trump only making that subtext text. I kept thinking "break-up album with America," but that sounds reductive, as did "To Pimp a Butterfly with mainstream ambitions," and while I don't wanna reduce this, I DO still want to say those things. It's good stuff. That's all I can say, really. (Also, there’s a spate of pop artists trying to get by with all-caps names or song titles. This absolutely earns the ability to slam that Caps Lock key. You hear this shit, PARTYNEXTDOOR? This is all-caps music.)
6) The Big Nowhere, by James Ellroy: One good thing about The Thing Journal is that I have an excuse to read physical books on the bus AND read all the books my dad has been giving me for Christmas the past few years! I'll cop (ha!) to not being overly invested in the plot. Oh, boy, a story about a serial killer who's into some weird sex stuff, that's new to me, no tell me about the perverted twist that made the killer what he is, oh wow so fucked up. What I really loved this book was the realistic version of Los Angeles in the 1950s, what with the cops walking around spouting racial slurs as people do heaven and hide their homosexuality. We always get caught up in the notion that the '50s were a more innocent time, our nation is currently being run by people who want us to take us back in time, but like people were doing fuckin' heroin in the '50s. The '50s were shitty, too. I found spending time in this version of Los Angeles valuable. It's a gritty cop drama, sure, but it more than earns its grit. This has been Bob! Attempts To Review a 30-Year-Old Novel Set 60 Years in the Past!
7) Win It All, dir. Joe Swanberg: So one of my favorite lyrics of all time, I can't remember if I've brought this up here or elsewhere but I'm prolly gonna bring it up again, is from Frank Turner's "Recovery:" "Broken people can get better if they really want to/At least, that's what I have to tell myself if I am hoping to/Survive." While only having seen two of his works, this and Drinking Buddies, I feel comfortable saying Joe Swanberg has a deft handle on depicting the person from that lyric in film. My initial impression was that the film didn't do enough to prove the main character deserved redemption (minor spoiler, insofar as this film has a plot, but he does sort of spend the entire film lying to the woman he's falling in love with), but the more I've thought about it, the more I'm thinking, who am I to decide who deserves redemption? He's trying. At no point in his life has he not been trying. He is aware he has made bad choices, and he is keenly aware of his flaws. (His reaction to the contents of the bag is priceless. Jake Johnson is a treasure.) If he makes an honest effort, why shouldn't he get better? No one deserves to be broken, either.
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