#i feel like ive talked about this exact thing like three separate times but
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thinking about 4halo again and dying
they just. they used to be so sweet together. and then the election arc managed to genuinely turn them against each other (and bad is still affected by being caged in the museum) and i would NOT have been surprised if a rebellion had started within the next few weeks after their last fight and. they used to be friends and then they almost destroyed each other
and then the eggs went missing
and there are so many parallels between them, but one of the biggest parallels is how they're both protectors. they both protected the eggs (and, when he became president, forever extended that protection to the other islanders) but the eggs went missing and they had to put all of that aside. Forever was quicker to put it down than Bad was (it felt like only a very temporary truce, from Bad's end), but they put their problems on hold, because their eggs. were gone.
and another parallel. the destruction. both of them with their plans to cause ruin because then, maybe, theyll get their kids back. bad caused most of the grieving arc damage directly, and got aypierre and antoine to help him. he dug holes in the ground. he placed mines everywhere and leapt into them. he started the lavacasting process of the fed building (and was interrupted by admins, so he stopped, but philza and fit were still right to laugh at him lmaoo). he drilled a hole through the side of the federation office from a huge distance away. he has chosen to hurt his friends and himself to get the eggs back. whatever the cost.
forever destroyed the island. or he planned to destroy the island. or he was interrupted just before he destroyed the island or or or. I don't know. but it was big, and it was bad. bad enough that the feds had to step in and forcefully drug him, and kickstart the happy pills arc.
and the happy pills arc..... oughghghgh as fucking awful as it was for their characters to experience i genuinely truly think that it saved them from each other. when he was first told about forever being fucked up bad was still in the "i need to kick his butt" mindset, and was all ready for an excuse to kill forever. and then he saw forever. and the first proposal happened. and bad was angry and he was sad and upset and he was careful. forever tried to kill him. bad decided to save him. forever kept trying to marry him. forever kept taking the pills. forever was so scared of his own anger and all of the damage he could and would have caused to his family that he kept taking drugs that kept him so out of his mind he hallucinated his son was just sleeping safely at his house.
and they both tried to kill each other. and they both failed.
and bad showed phil and cellbit (and tubbo) the item scanner that dapper discovered, which could destroy him, because nothing else was working. because they needed to save forever. because bad was reminded by then that forever was a victim of the federation instead of just a mouthpiece for it. and then when forever woke up he saw bad, suffering, and so excited to see him awake.
and now they're here on opposite sides again with forever projecting his protection urges onto the fed worker in bad's basement and bad frustrated that he isn't being believed and his evil plans of giving ron lemons apology brownies is being interrupted and. look at them. soft "i hate you" and the appreciation room and bad's quiet heartbreak when he learned about forever being missing and the "i miss you" book bad got mad at because it asked him not to torture fed workers. does anyone hear me im so ill about them. do you understand they care about each other so much and the happy pills arc reminded them of that. forever realized bad is colourblind and bad assumed forever was poisoning him and then forever helped bad cheat on another colourblindness test and forever was giving bad flowers and bad was accepting them and accepted that he was colourblind despite his previously constant denial and! i don't know if im being comprehensible and i dont really care i will be honest i just need you to know i am frothing at the mouth like a rabid little beast. they are a TRAGEDY of miscommunication and external pressure but they love so so much. platonic or romantic or qpp they CARE and it tears me to shreds
#qsmp#4halo#i feel like ive talked about this exact thing like three separate times but#its one of those things that really Kills Me#and its CRUCIAL to understanding them and their relationship#they were fighting and now have found peace in hell#and forever using his care for bad as a distraction to not focus on his Own woes#and the way he's so sure bad needs help the way he was helped that at heart bad is a good person who doesnt want to be hurting people#and in a Way he's right. bad doesn't want to hurt his loved ones. everyone else? yeah. in a heartbeat. but his family...#but he's still makign the choice to do it. it's not lashign out in desperation the way forever destroying the island was#bad is hurting people with Purpose. he's putting thought into it. he's testing people and their knowledge and their motivations and he will#use them all as tools that can be bent and broken if it means they get the eggs back. he'll do it to himself too#especially to himself#ghhhgrhrgh the way theyre both self sacrificial and self destructive the Parallels the fucking parallels#i can best examine their relationship from a bbh pov and it agonizes me because i can't get all the nuance of forever's pov#because i dont speak portuguese yet :c#so best i can do is talk crazy about them like a Lure for other analyst shippers#pspspssps dont you see my ship. dont you see how canon 4halo is !!! in 8 acts#dont you want to examine them and their parallels and the way they are both so strange about relationships but they're finding a way to car#in a way that works for them#pspspsps#like me talking about qbbh vacation arc got the fandom acknowledging his sillies and directly got me a friend to talk about him to (hi kia!#maybe it will work here also#come to the dark side we have complex relationship dynamics that are frequently misunderstood and mislabelled#YOU can help change the world
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ok hi im writing the evo jimmy and martyn thoughts in here because i don't trust the tumblr replies stupid character limit. (please bare with me ive rewritten this like eight times trying to make it make sense)
so around the middle of the series the server members fight the ender dragon and get separated for awhile (according to jimmy he hadn't seen martyn "in three weeks" but alot of the people also assumed he was. Perma Dead which seems like a short amount of time to accept that a missing person was dead but sure man whatever).
martyn shows back up a little after jimmy does and jimmy builds a new base for them, to which martyn expresses relief because (i think this is the exact quote but no promises) "i can't live alone, i don't know how to cook or anything like that--"
they give themselves a new team name and everything and it seems like things are gonna go back to normal. except they dont? martyn shows up noticeably less and less in jimmy's videos after this point until the end where he only turns up for big group events. he's not like. Rude to jimmy or anything and i guess if you're willing you can make the argument they're still living together and just not hanging out in the videos we see but to me it's kind of a massive jump going from the beginning of jimmy's evo where martyn was always there.
and please bare with me here because. alot of this is based on pre-formed thoughts from how he acts in the life series. but martyn is very much someone who needs to play the role of provider in a relationship otherwise he feels like he's not "good enough" and detaches himself. in my mind it's like. up to this point him and jimmy were always happy to play this "you lead, i follow" dynamic until the dragon fight makes him realise that jimmy doesn't Need him to survive and it scares him off a little bit. ++ something something about the snowy mountain "slapped around" conversation and martyn taking the initiative to open up to jimmy again when he recognizes that jimmy needs help (but reacting badly when jimmy doesn't respond the way he wants)
so what im saying is essentially i think jimmy/martyn isn't a. Bad relationship so to speak but I don't think it was necessarily sustainable (at least not with the dynamic they were in) and jimmy is not only never prompted to fight for his own independence (because he never needed to with martyn, like w/ the xbox/ps thing lmao) but he is shown that (albeit not directly) dependence on your partner is Good and if you drift too far emotionally/physically/etc then they'll just stop talking to you ✌️ (because jimmy would never assume something like that is his beloved's issue, it's always him that's the problem and even if he doesn't believe so during evo I'd think that thought pattern being reinforced in everything after would make him retroactively believe that)
sorry uhhhhhh tldr yeah i agree with you
This is so interesting I love this so much. It’s really interesting that Martyn suggests he’s dependent on Jimmy and then seems to slowly abandon Jimmy. I don’t have a lot to say but I will definetely be using this to inform my Jimmy analysis
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what if... Gorillaz at their most worst in which phase album-wise ((from what Ive thought about!!!))
Murdoc – Wish You Wear Ear (Song Machine, Season One: Strange Timez), originally I was gonna go for Plastic Beach but that album was already the point of where the band was at their lowest.. it's a tad tricky but Song Machine had Murdoc acting up unusual from his character, youve seen that man crawl up into a ball and cry which was from the assumption of him thinking the band left him for good, to him going absurd over portals in Kong...
If all honestly Song Machine was him being at his most strangest timez (get it..? strange... timez, heehe), I would've said for him he was at the absolute worst during his childhood if only it was composed into an album, wouldn't really want that though.. Broken was already sad enough to hear coming from him :c
Noodle – Escape To Plastic Beach (Plastic Beach), phase 3 was definitely something huge for Gorillaz that I would've just about put Plastic Beach for almost everyone in the band, for the most part though, Noodle had definitely went through a tad too much during Plastic Beach... know that Noodle is pretty as chaotic as Murdoc is but in a good way unlike Murdoc
Though in Plastic Beach.. see the lore behind the whole phase is already huge enough, but as for being separated and taken away from the people you were supposed to be with, accidentally releasing a demon that you then had to hunt down by yourself, only to then having to deal with a cyborg version of yourself that tried to attack someone close that you know aka. the exact person who built that cyborg replica of you....
Easily you can get a lot of things wrong in the lore of Plastic Beach, but there's no doubt that Noodle had a pretty big experience in Plastic Beach than the rest of the phases, if none other, a really huge impact on her too!!
2-Dee – No More Unicorns Anymore (The Now Now), alright this one is definitely obvious, never have I heard 2D sound this sad in an entire album, add on with the fact that The Now Now was entirely written by him is just heartbreaking :C
To summarise, you basically had Murdoc being thrown in jail for drugs far far away from the rest of the band, and so without Murdoc, you have the first track in The Now Now, which is Humility, upon from the music video a lot of people gotten the thought that 2D was happy because Murdoc was in jail... now see, that would've been the case, if ONLY the rest of the WHOLE album hadn't had the saddest songs you've ever gotten out of Gorillaz, andd cause of that, I've gotten the thought that Humility was 2D just having some time by himself free of charge with the rest without Murdoc because he had the thinking of "He'll be back soon" only to realise that later on it'll be a lot more longer than just soon, I have no evidence of this so it's only up to my assumption, but MIGHTY is the rest of the songs just... really real sad..
((three sections of out of topic talk about the songs in The Now Now below))
One of the songs I heard before listening to the whole album was Souk Eye, and that was the end track of the album according to the listing, I thought it was already the saddest song or at least the most heart inducing song ever made from Gorillaz, and you just never really expected these songs to come out of Gorillaz... so, that was for Souk Eye, UNTIL I for once heard the rest of the album
I HAD NEVER SEEN ANYBODY, EVER TALKED ABOUT, FIRE FLIES.
This was a song I REALLY REALLY least expected over the name of the song itself, and IT REALLY, REALLY MAKES MY HEART JUST..... FEEL WAY TOO MUCH, that's not even the only song, in fact the rest of the album has it's songs in this really... really heavy, heartfelt, heartbreaking impact, but bet on me that Fire Flies is ultimately the song that had gotten me feeling the most from the entire album, to the point it made Souk Eye look happier than a song named FIRE FLIES...
If all, Humility really felt like a break for the least expected only to be hit right in the face right after that, from how I perceive the album along with through it's lyrics, it showcases just how 2D has been feeling through for however long he had been all while Murdoc wasn't around, and these songs just show that 2D really wasn't doing well..
From the track listing, The Now Now seemed like it was... this will sound insane but representing the five stages of grief for 2D, youve already gotten denial from the start, onto the rest which in some was pretty hard to tell that you might have to feel it through the song in order to tell it's there, for such like you could probably tell there's bargaining in Kansas, then you have anger in Sorcererz which isn't necessarily supposed to be an outrage in order to know that it's anger, and then there's some songs that sort of feel more to the type of thinking back to the past like memories, those being like Idaho and Magic City... and boy did the depression stage really kick in, Fire Flies and One Percent just really touches your heart in the worst way possible, especially with the fact it's coming from our boy 2D it makes it even more worst.....
This is why I said Souk Eye sounded a lot more happier, as to it's like the very ending which leads to the last stage of grief, didn't really know what happened after The Now Now like right after Murdoc got back to the band, but Souk Eye does still touch your heart, except it's a lot more comforting than the previous two songs you've heard, no doubt it's still really sad though.. but it's also just really warming too, the songs in the album itself really just explains how this phase was the worst for 2D to had ever been
Russel – Celebrity Take Down (Gorillaz), this one's a really tough one, again could've said for Plastic Beach as all that happened to Russ was that he tried to off himself only to mutate into a huge godzilla size of himself, though in the first album.. well before the album itself, Russel wouldnt have gotten any chances to be in the band if only he wasn't kidnapped by Murdoc himself, just as bad as how 2D joined the band
Though that might not count, in the debut studio album Russel was first introduced with a ghostly friend possessing him which lasted until or before Demon Days came in, even when it didn't really seemed that bad while Dell was around taking over Russel's mind, it was definitely the most interesting version of Russel since other than the first album, you kind of have Russel not really taking in the worst in the other phases, really didn't really got anything from Russel out of Cracker Island since he was just hypnotised by a television static for the entire album
know that I haven't covered everything that was made or confirmed by Gorillaz!!! So far I'm only giving my thoughts based on the albums I've listened to, so I may not be too keen on the entire lore of Gorillaz, neither do I know much about the books too!! c:
#good grief#i think this whole thing turned into a whole 2d rant about the now now instead#gorillaz#gorillaz headcanon#long words...#song machine#plastic beach#the now now#gorillaz self-titled album
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the love of your life : PAC reading !
˚₊· ͟͟͞➳ pile 1 ˚₊· ͟͟͞➳ pile 2 ˚₊· ͟͟͞➳ pile 3
˚₊· ͟͟͞➳ pile 4 ˚₊· ͟͟͞➳ pile 5 ˚₊· ͟͟͞➳ pile 6
— [♡] hello, beautiful souls ♡ today's reading is for romantics & romantics only! this won't directly be your soulmate or future spouse and you may be drawn multiple piles as well, but we are talking about THE love of a lifetime! so buckle up and step right up! take what resonates and leave what doesn't, this is all for entertainment, don't worry ♡
this reading was also started on a really special day for me, and i hope you can feel special too ♡ media used is from spy x family
˚₊· ͟͟͞➳ pile 1
back of the deck: iv of wands
cards: page of pentacles, iv of cups (reversed), the fool, page of wands, the moon, x of pentacles (reversed)
— this love is something that you have never experienced before until you find it. it makes you question everything you thought you knew, and introduces you to so many new things, places, mindsets, ideas and growth. and everything else you knew beforehand feels so small, almost as though a distant memory. you did not know that there was this much wonder, happiness, peace, discovery, and so, so much bliss out in the world just waiting for you with a bated breath, ready you receive you at any time.
this love might have been completely new to your life, and when they meet you, you are a little bit of an emotional soul, or perhaps you are just a little troubled in the moment? but they meet you, and it's the feeling of the sun on your skin. it's also the same for them. they seem to be super caring and friendly, but perhaps they treat you a little more special than others— maybe a little too much, they say. their existence almost makes the seeds that were planted long ago be taken care of and watered, put under the sunlight and fed well, and you grow into a beautiful new person.
this love really changes you in beautiful ways, almost as though you were reborn. you've fallen for each other head over heels, because you have no other reason to be together but to be with eachother, through thick and thin, rich or poor, in sickness and in health. this love is so pure and loyal, i'm a little emotional :ʼ) it makes you so motivated, and other people that see your dynamic and the way you motivate and inspire each other each and everyday get inspired too. it's so beautiful and it's rich, it's cozy, it's abundant and it just flows in of itself, it's both peace and excitement, and you would choose eachother over and over again.
[♡] additionally channeled:
this love is a long term one, growing old together is really strong here. you match the same beliefs and morals, and you support eachother in everything. you may also go out on a lot of dates, and even years later, you walk around the streets like teenagers in love. i can just see you having your 10th anniversary and you still feel a little shy seeing eachother glammed up and all because wow, they're breathtaking. sometimes you also stare at eachother, and one of you may playfully smile or smirk at the other to fluster the other. this is so adorable <333 you never fail to amaze eachother and make eachother feel special. also, last note since i keep gushing about this pile, one or both of you may have this as your first relationship. either way, enjoy, lovers!
channeled song: paninindigan kita - ben&ben
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˚₊· ͟͟͞➳ pile 2
back of the deck: ii of swords
cards: vii of pentacles (reversed), iii of pentacles, the moon (reversed), vi of cups (reversed), the lovers (reversed), iv of wands
— this love stands on the middle ground of familial and lovers, and yet it transcends it. there are three groups here: one, wherein you have already separated each other. two, those who are aware of or have feelings for each other but cannot be together (yet, for some of you). and three, those who are aware of each other's feelings but no exact label, and yet theres also those who are together or married already. but this will write down the love these all had generally. either way, this love has made their feelings final in their own way for each group. no matter where this ends, i think this love has a poetic and remarkable story to it.
one of the lovers has a very unstable or anxious history to them as well as a melancholic or restrained lifestyle, and the other has a lonely, peaceful, yet free lifestyle. this love is unsure when exactly the seeds were planted, when it sprouted and only found out gradually once it bloomed. these lovers have always been there for eachother, and they always uplift eachother, almost as though they were puzzle pieces that fit so perfectly together, they could not separate. this love is so safe, and will let eachother's guard down at any time. the first lover i mentioned finds safety in the other's peaceful lifestyle and it also translates into the way they love, and then the second, they seem to have started loving and not expected anything in return anymore, standing their ground to wait for them, or just love them from a distance. initially, this second one noticed their melancholic nature, and gradually helped light the first one's life, and it was never manually given. the more time they spent with eachother, the more they got to know each other, the more they fell.
so many people around them, as well as themselves have been rooting for these lovers to be together, but this story has a peaceful end to it no matter what. they do eventually tell their feelings to each other one day, but they were unsure about the possibility of them being together. however, their feelings were so sincere that they left an eternal mark on eachother. some of them choose to love eachother from a distance, some of them are currently in courtship or approval, some of them chose to remain as friends, are together now long term, or simply had to go their separate ways at one point.
nevertheless, this love taught them a lot about themselves, eachother, and the world. they've been taught so many things from this love, that each time they think about it, they're still very thankful, almost eliciting a similar response to eachother as well. this felt very soulmate-like, and showered eachother with love and kindness everyday, even when they are physically apart.
[♡] additionally channeled:
"i'd do anything for you, and if i was asked, i'd fall in love with you again, and over and over again. thank you for giving me the happiest days of my life, and lighting mine and other's as well. i love you, in every lifetime."
channeled song: pagtingin (perception) by ben&ben
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˚₊· ͟͟͞➳ pile 3
back of the deck: page of cups (reversed)
cards: queen of wands (reversed), viii of cups (reversed), knight of cups (reversed), queen of pentacles, the star, the sun
— the lover who's side was channeled was very shy about this reading but really eager to get their feelings out too. the latter 3 cards i had to get had been separated from the original deck to just give the rest. they have a shell to them, it seems, hehe. however, they're flowing in a lot of love, that they took the whole reading into something about and for the other ♡ the person being wrote about also seems to have a more feminine energy as well.
[♡] channeled message:
“who would have guessed that the love of my life was right under my nose? i didn't need to look anywhere or at anyone else once i realized i loved you. i try and mask my feelings or look away so it wouldn't be obvious, but no matter what i did, i found myself attached to you; body, mind, and soul. i don't know if its been obvious to you already, but i've fallen in love with you utterly and helplessly. have you as well? it's alright if you're not yet ready. but everytime you walk into a room, it's color becomes more vivid, and you've grabbed everyone's attention. you're hardworking and you pay attention to everyone, even the smallest things about them, you make reminders of it. i've seen how you improve yourself each and every day, and you try your best to give yourself the same kindness and love you do to others. and i know i'm not the only one who looks at you like this, there are many people who would want to be with you, but i pray, each and every night, you choose me. because god knows who else could make me feel this way, you've got me wrapped around your finger and ready to shield you from everything at anytime. a friend joked i would worship the ground you walk on— but they're not way off. you've given me great joy each and every day, and it doesn't matter how long we've known eachother. you still make me feel butterflies, my heart skip a beat, and warmth wash over even into my bones. no one else will ever do this to me, and i hope that i, too, can make you feel like this, and care for you, and be the only one in your heart.
yours, forever”
i think they've already come into terms and processed their feelings for the receiver, and they're alright no matter what the answer is. all that matters to them, is that they still smile brightly and live out their best life, even if they are not together. and if the receiver feels the same way, i can guarantee this person will treat them well and try their best to give them the best life possible. so many ideas are going through their head, and they've spent many days and nights dreaming about them as well, but it's too much for this reading, hehe. some of you may already be together, and i wish you the best forever! ♡
channeled song: hopelessly devoted to you - olivia newton-john
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˚₊· ͟͟͞➳ pile 4
back of the deck: iv of pentacles (reversed)
cards: queen of wands (reversed), v of pentacles (reversed), viii of pentacles (reversed), the moon, x of wands, judgement, iv of swords (reversed)
— okay! this pile has definitely been through a lot of ups and downs with their lover, i also was really scared to interpret this at first, but it's actually really beautiful <3 this pile does end up long term, for however that defines to you. some of you may also already be engaged or married to this lover. i am really getting a lot of balance in this relationship, it's giving soulmate vibes. in this love, there is balance, blooming, fate, vulnerability. amidst all the chaos, this relationship soothes you, and brings you to rationality. however, this love tends to also bend rationality for eachother, almost as though one or both of you is really new to letting love into your life and how it's changed the way you view your lover and all of the things you knew beforehand. and you're so dedicated to eachother, i think you've also given the other opportunities they have never before. things like receiving gifts or surprises, going out on dinner dates and going to the nearest arcade afterwards, going to big sports events, these things that while they aren't too out there, a lot of people don't get to experience these good things in life, and since they're able to experience now, it's completely different from what they imagined to have with their lover.
they're really looking forward to spending the rest of their life with you, to grow, to listen, to dance, to cry, to love; they'd spend every waking moment— they're saying they want to be in each other's dreams too, just to love you more and more. you make them overcome their rationality and they're really just head over heels in love with you <333 they just cant put it into words anymore. just let them. this love is one of a kind. ♡
additionally channeled:
i think this person is someone youve known for awhile now? if youre not sure, it seems they haven't confessed yet, everything will make sense eventually. they always, always have your back, no matter what.
channeled song: habangbuhay (for life) - zack tabudlo
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˚₊· ͟͟͞➳ pile 5
back of the deck: death (reversed)
cards: king of swords (reversed), ix of pentacles, iv of pentacles, the lovers, v of swords (reversed), the hierophant, vii of pentacles
— this love is unchanged and cannot be corroded by time. it's carefree, and it's also very fortunate to still have a laid-back lifestyle where the lovers get to do whatever they want, be successful and happy. and they actively keep efforts going to keep the relationship together, i'm hearing "i'm yours, and you are mine" over and over again. the feeling i got when i looked at the cards was almost transported back in time, in a really happy time, with the sun going down and the sunrays touching your skin, it almost felt like an anime scene, hehe. and it's stuck like that. honestly, this pile is really straightforward, your lover is head over heels for you and they are DAMN proud to show it! reading this was really heartfluttering, and their messages were so sweet too. ♡
"you're stuck with me now, how about for life?"
"i'll keep you safe, i'll care for you, and love you till the end of time. can i trust you'll do the same?"
"i want to share a home with you, to plant with you and taking care of the plants, watching them grow, having our favourite songs playing in the background, doing the chores, cooking together, hanging the laundry... i'll support and respect everything you do, but i really, really, just want to spend this lifetime with you, happily, forever."
"the love i have for you, is etched into my bones. it cannot be erased, it cannot be rid of. i have eyes only for you, heart that beats the same as yours, and hands that only belong in yours."
"i let my guard down around you because i find peace in your presence, and i love every moment of it."
"i want to do everything, and i mean everything, with you. you're everywhere in my mind."
[♡] additionally channeled
— slow dancing under the light, taking candid pictures of eachother with cameras, having a photobook and scrapbook, a historical garden grown by two lovers, growing old together, meeting by chance, matching clothes/fashion/colors, painting/doing makeup on eachothers faces, smiling ear to ear in kisses, weekly outdoor dates & mementos, counting down till midnight on monthsarys
channeled song: lover by taylor swift
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˚₊· ͟͟͞➳ pile 6
back of the deck: wheel of fortune
cards: iv of cups (reversed), queen of swords, the fool, the hermit (reversed), temperance, vii of cups, ix of cups
— i got the feeling of my hands tingling in a good way the moment i finished writing all the cards down ♡♡ it's really giving old married couple acting like teenagers in love. you're really protective of eachother, and know when to give eachother space and boundaries to grow, and you also immediately know when the other is feeling down or in trouble, and give them the proper care and comfort, and the support to feel better. and you don't shy away from showing your love of either. i think people also feel happy seeing you together, it makes them smile. i'm hearing that they're really in awe and look up to you, and it's the same case for eachother. you both feel so, so blessed that you met, and you're together now. this is honestly giving more of a divine connection, it's just so loving that it radiates off to other people too. i think you're the type of people that do some really progressive stuff too i'm loving thissss ♡
one or both of you feel like children when you're together, back to simpler times and simple mindsets, and always looking out for eachother, and you're not the kind of couple that allows other people to disrespect the other, instead they either leave the scene or stand their ground. i think you might know this person already for a long, long time, some of you since childhood, actually. i can just see both of you happy to wake up to eachother everyday, see eachother off and giving a goodbye kiss, some of you meeting at lunch, and being eager to see eachother once work is over and you're holding hands and talking a lot about random thoughts that come into your head, how your day was, how you imagine your future to be. and one or both of you make efforts to see that your partner's dreams are fulfilled.
i really don't think i can channel a message for this one, i think there's a lot of love even in silence for you, physical touch may be one of your core love languages together. you're both spending time together at the end of the day, having dinner, watching a movie together and laughing at your favourite scenes, cuddling, stargazing... i could go on and on, but in each scene, your lover stares at you the whole time and you're both holding eachother one way or another.
channeled song: flower garden - howl's moving castle
#future spouse#pac#pac reading#pick a deck#pick a pile reading#tarot reading#soulmate reading#future spouse reading#love reading#tarot#channeled message#general reading
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concept cer v1
it’s. probably obvious where this is going but regardless
the tldr of what’s in my head is basically what follows (in comparison to uni, since she’s fully meant as a sort of weird au replacement thing as a comfort (i’m going to be acting under the idea that this is like. a whole thing. so. sorry if this is like. weird. especially sorry if keeping barruni and carruni a thing in this is kinda odd but they’re both rather important so-))
demon dog thing. legally has four parents since all three heads of her cerberus parent are separate people (it’s actually two women and a guy, fun fact there. her dog parent is a guy too)
horns probably function similarly to uni’s in terms of lighting up, and the ethereal glow definitely stays for all three reactions
a pair of secondary, magic heads shows up near her own when she’s using magic. they don’t have proper sentience, and she calls them Leftie and Rightie
bi but extremely closed off to the idea of a relationship, which doesn’t exactly change by v4. she WANTS a relationship, she just doesn’t think she deserves one.
fucking HORRIFIED when the puppets start kissing. equally as mortified when. y’know. immediately after, since she’s trying to simultaneously grapple with her feelings on barry AND her self image when it comes to anything romantic at like, nearly all times (the barry part is mostly during late v3 / v4 though)
probably gonna edit this one to include a mention of an equivalent to the end of v4 since that’s not out yet
up until barry’s show and tell blow up, cer genuinely thinks his aggression towards her is just him teasing to some degree, since she does the exact same thing to people, just.. actually meant as teasing
after barry’s blow up, cer gets. fucking PISSED with him for a while. it’s more of a mutual not talking to eachother, since cer is rather insecure about her identity as a funny little demon hybrid anyway, and since she lacks the context to know why barry’s so insistent against magic, she just assumes he’s genuinely that stubborn on his own, and takes major offense to it.
she made junicer as a jab at barry, basically. in a way, going ‘what now, smart guy. i brought this fucking thing to LIFE. how’d i do that, huh? HUH??’
had two exes before winding up in sparklecare. a girl in middleschool and a boy in highschool. constantly blames herself for both ending.
carruni (ceroline?) probably would uh. mirror a better version of what i’m going through now. the two were close anyway, cer asked for physical comfort, received it, rapidly started majorly crushing.
NOT happy about the mere idea of crushing on barry at ALL since she uh. kinda realizes while she’s still mad at him for something small.
really uncomfortable with being addressed as just ‘Bernard’ (since barry addresses uni as just Cornelius, so i feel like the same thing would apply here) but stopped trying to fight it within like the first week
probably genuinely bonded with caroline over a shared love of chewing on things you really shouldn’t (the adhd..)
YEAH I AM SO SORRY IF THIS IS LIKE. SUPER CRINGE. AND. WEIRD. BUT. IVE BEEN FUCKING GOING THROUGH IT AND I THOUGHT “HEY IF ANY FANDOM WOULD BE OKAY WITH ME USING AN AU OF THE SOURCE MATERIAL WITH A PARTIAL SELF INSERT FOR COMFORT IT’D BE SPARKLECARE”
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Suicidal Misunderstanding X
Star Wars Time Travel AU #27
Part I - - - - - Part II - - - - - Part III - - - - - Part IV - - - - - Part V - - -
- - Part VI - - - - - Part VII - - - - - Part VIII - - - - - Part IX
“I realize this is incredibly difficult,” the Nautolan Soul Healer said calmly. “But in order for us to help Obi-Wan, we need to determine the cause of his current disconnection with reality. Based on the drug panel, and convenient surveillance, we have, to the best of our ability, ruled out temporary psychosis brought on by a drug interaction.”
Cody stiffened further, not sure how to react to anything anymore. When a brother tried to end his own life, it was usually obvious why.
Sife Aerdo continued on. “There have, of course, been cases of Jedi Seers giveing into their fears of the future, or losing their sense of reality, but every case study involving such an extreme reaction was the result a gradual degradation over the course of many years. Nevertheless, it seems clear that Obi-Wan experienced a vision, and it may have impacted his breakdown to some extent. The more we know, the more successful any attempts to convince him of reality will be.”
Bant furrowed her brow in thought, trying to replay three decades of increasingly vague discussions of nightmares.
”Considering the high profile nature of his position, we cannot rule out some kind of psychological attack, perhaps even a darksider incursion.
Anakin leaned forward intently, the inside of his skull buzzing with white noise.
"All that being said, we must be prepared to treat Obi-Wan’s self harm as the culmination of a long and quiet mental health struggle. He would not be the first in the Order to disguise such a thing with durasteel self-discipline.”
At that, Bant and Mace took a moment to release their feelings to the force, while Anakin raised his shields defensively.
Master Aerdo finally hesitated, before continuing in the same smooth tone. “I would ordinarily prefer to structure this kind of conversation quite differently- allow Obi-Wan time to share his feelings first and invite you each separately to support him in the healing process. But he’s gone from fighting sedatives and force compulsions as though the fate of the galaxy depended on it, to a self-induced coma. All while barely lucid, yet still somehow maintaining Master Class mental shielding. We need to get a better understanding of his mental landscape if we’re going to even begin the process of treatment."
It is necessary to note that everyone in that room had led, in one way or another, a somewhat miserable life. This was the main reason none of them could claim that the next five hours were the worst they had ever experienced.
“But he’s always had terrible sleeping habits.” Anakin said hoarsely.
“Yes, but I think they got worse after Qui-Gon passed,” Bant argued, not sure what point she was making.
“When I pointed out he couldn’t be getting more than three hours a night he told me that he could manage on meditation” Cody offered irritably.
“That’s technically true,” Mace confirmed. “If the Master in question is well-balanced otherwise”
“So its like his eating habits, crushing responsibilities, and repeated exposure to violence, then? Completely fine for a Jedi, in less it’s not, in which case it’s a major red flag?”
“I think it would help to establish a timeline.“
Aerdo actually dredged up old mission reports, leading to the group reluctantly contacting Ashoka for her memories of Mortis.
At her Master’s insistence, she told them everything she remembered, hazy as it was, nervously elaborating on her own memories of falling. To her confusion, Master Windu all but brushed past that, assuring her that the important thing with stepping into darkness was the choice to the return to the light. Anakin bizarrely agreed with Windu. Out loud. Unnerved by the cooperation more than anything, she put her holographic foot down and demanded to know what was going on.
Anakin took the comm-link into a separate room to speak privately.
Upon return, he informed the group (with a visibly red and puffy face) that Kit would be escorting her back from Mount Cala cleanup early, daring anyone to disagree. Windu nodded and the conversation continued on.
Together they rewatched holo-footage of Obi-Wan laughing amongst Ghost company the night before last, and debated reports from psychometric investigators who had scoured the cantina as well as Obi-Wan’s personal quarters for traces of illicit substances. Between that and another drug panel, they were finally forced to conclude that despite the timing, the alcohol at most confused Obi-Wan’s perception of a vision, or possibly simply loosened his tongue.
Bant prodded Cody to repeat every word from the holocar ride to the temple, taking furious notes. Cody was unable to stop the heat that crawled up his face.
Just when the looming horror of Obi-Wan actually preparing to intentionally die started to break over Anakin, Windu interjected.
“You don’t see what I do,” the Harun Kal said grimly. “Something galaxy-sized shattered around Obi-Wan and he didn’t break from it. The closest comparison I have is Master Yaddle’s presence when she meditated on her confinement. He’s chosen��to keep going, even when, quite frankly, death would be a release. We’re missing something fundamental.”
“He said there were ‘other dark forces at work.’ Even if the fight was objectively hopeless... there’s no way he would choose to die because of it!” Anakin agreed vehemently, shaking off morbid fears.
“But he did choose to die.” Cody said quietly. And the wind went out of Anakin’s sails.
“Lets go back.”
Anakin gritted his teeth as they picked apart everything ‘unusual’ Obi-Wan had said and done leading up to his visit with Bant.
“What exactly did he...”
“So Plo Koon was able to get a read through his shields?”
“Did he have anything to eat?”
“How did that compare to...”
“When he's mentioned things in the future...did it seem good or bad to you?” Bant asked.
“Bad.” Cody and Anakin said in unison. Remembering the trip to the temple Cody spoke again, “Definitely bad.”
“Right. When we were talking he sometimes used the wrong tenses for things, people. I confronted him on not knowing ‘when’ he was after Knight Skywalker left. He told me that he knew what was real, but he was “enjoying not fully living in the moment” he also said that he intended to “wake up”
“Enjoying? That’s the exact word he used?” Cody asked incredulous.
“He did seem...mostly happy yesterday. Giddy, at points.” Anakin said, slumping in on himself.
Bant looked at her notes once more before addressing the group.
“This isn’t vision psychosis in any manner I’ve heard of before...but I think I might have a theory. He used to have intense visions when we were kids; plenty of us did sometimes, but Obi-Wan would be unable to sleep after. What terrified him more than anything was the uncertainty that he might make the wrong choice- even when the vision was about something good, or neutral. His visions gradually stopped coming around puberty. We just had a conversation about this a few months ago- how relieved he was to only have to manage flashes of precognition. If he had a random, horrifying vision of a terrible future...suicide wouldn’t be his reaction. It’s too final.”
“Even if he blamed himself for what he saw coming?” Mace asked.
“Especially if he blamed himself.” Bant said.
“What’s your theory?” Aerdo prodded.
“What if...what if he was telling the truth when he said he could separate out what was real and what was not? What if there was no distortion or blurring between now and then? What if he was just wrong about which was which?”
“That...would be a very extreme and abnormal manifestation of force-induced psychosis. He has training in distinguishing reality from visions. The continued presence of his mental shielding means that the fabric of his mind can’t be so horrifically collapsed in on itself.”
“What if the vision was actually that realistic?” Bant said, pushing back against the soul healer. “So detailed and vivid that it effectively was a reality in itself, and everything else, all of us...”
“Were just memories” Anakin finished. “It would...actually explain pretty much everything. You said he wanted to wake up and when...when I found him.” He stopped, swallowing. “When I found him, he argued with me...what if he wasn’t trying to hurt himself? If you’re right...that would mean I found him trying to get back to reality.”
“It could explain his behavior in the halls...his desperation to wake...” Sife mused “But it runs counter to every other experience I’ve had with those managing prophetic visions. Master Windu, could that explain the shatterpoints you saw?”
“I’m not certain. It would have to have been extraordinarily real to create the echos of Shattering I witnessed. I don’t know if that depth of vision has occurred before, but then again, many things are possible in the force.”
“You really think he might have been...trying to wake up from dream? By killing himself?!” Cody asked incredulous.
“If that ends up being what happened I am going to give him such shit. That is the worst way to end a vision.” Anakin replied.
“Yes. It is.” Bant said pointedly. “That’s why it’s a last resort, after every other attempt to wake fails.”
They all sat in silence, processing various implications. Cody was unnerved by another terrifying insight into force powers, as well as the idea that the General might vividly remember Cody being inexplicably mind-controlled into trying to kill him. Anakin was trying to understand what this would mean for them, and the conversations he had thought they had had. Did...any of it count, if he thought he was offering it to a hallucination?
“Alright, this is a valuable working idea, but let’s make sure to examine everything with an open mind before we draw any more conclusions. Anakin, what happened after you left the healers office?”
Obi-Wan’s critique of the practicalities of visiting a soul healer could be and was interpreted multiple ways. The incongruity of peacekeepers in war sparked a rehash of earlier discussion. More apologies. Self identifying as ‘crazy’ inspired new debate, especially in the context of the new theory.
“When I saw him enter the fountain room I assumed he had had a brutal run-in with dark force user.” Windu explained. “Based on everything we’ve gone over, I don’t understand when...but some of the more insidious sith compulsions work by taking whatever small anger or hurt you feel and magnifying them until they consume you. If Obi-Wan was already experiencing self loathing...”
Cody sucked in a breath. “Then a Sith mind suggestion would bring him to commit suicide. It...sounds like something he might do, if he was partially in control. Take the blow rather than let himself be used as a weapon against anyone else, even his worst enemy.”
“Hells, it could have been an even vaguer compulsion, driving him to attack the person he hates the most,” Bant added darkly.
Anakin buried his head in his hands, trying to hold it together. He couldn’t afford to lose control or get angry. Hells, getting angry at Obi-Wan for ‘failing him’ when in pain could be the reason Obi-Wan was currently in the healing halls. The man said he loved him unconditionally, then practically had a breakdown over how much Anakin pushed that unconditional love to the breaking point, then killed himself. How was he supposed to-
“Anakin? Are you alright to continue?” someone said.
“Yes. No. There’s more I have to tell you...I don’t know if it will help but - it was hurting Obi-Wan...I...”
“Let’s just take it one step at a time. What happened after you left Mace?”
Apparently even Cody somehow knew more about Bruck Chun than Anakin. Master Windu and Eerin told different sides of the same sad story, which spiraled back into a conversation about Obi-Wan’s inadequacy issues, which somehow devolved into a long rant about Qui-Gon Jinn that Master Windu had apparently been holding back for years.
“My apologies.” He said afterwards, clearing his throat as the group stared, taken aback. “Old grievances. Go on Anakin, what did happened after you got to the ‘secret spot.’”
“He...was skirting around whatever was bothering him...I pushed him...told him I wanted to help...he said I couldn’t...because it was me...because of what I...”
Anakin stood up suddenly, feeling the walls of the room closing in.
“I’m sorry- I’m sorry I-”
He ran out.
He turned around almost immediately, pacing in the small corridor, knowing he couldn’t leave, simply needing a minute to catch his breath.
Master Windu followed him out after a moment, not saying anything, just standing there. Watching him.
“What!” Anakin finally snapped. “What do you have to say that I don’t know already!”
“Knight Skywalker-”
“Don’t call me that! I DON’T DESERVE-”
Anakin let out a frustrated snarl, punching a wall. The crumble of stone beneath this fist briefly made him feel better, but then he remembered Obi-Wan’s heartbroken expression in the light of an underworldly glow, and the tiny, choked sound he heard when the healers moved him and Anakin just...collapsed, falling to his knees.
Master Windu sank down gracefully beside him.
“Anakin. This isn’t about attachment issues, is it.”
“Not really, no. I mean, maybe you’ll blame attachment but it’s more about...”
“Anger.”
Anakin looked up at that, trying to regain the meditative calm he had felt for a glimmering moment yesterday, right in-between making peace in the cave and everything burning to ash.
“You know that I have had my own struggles with anger. It is how and why I came to develop Vaapad.”
“Yes, but you’ve Mastered your anger. And you’ve never...never given in to hate.”
A beat passed and Windu watched some of Skywalker’s familiar breaking points flicker into view.
“You’ve done something. Something you know the Jedi won’t forgive.”
“Obi-Wan forgave me.” Anakin said, whispering. “He said that even though I couldn’t fix what I did he loved me anyway and I just needed to...to honestly regret what I did and not do it again. I told him I’d get rid of my lightsaber and I meant it and...I thought he forgave me. I was ready to go to the Council with him, come clean about everything. And then I left him alone to get dinner and when I came back...he was holding my lightsaber. My lightsaber.”
Anakin buried his face in his hands, shuddering with creeping cold.
“I’m not going to critique your and Obi-Wan’s attachment to each other right now. I’m well aware that much of the order has turned to personal ties to maintain their stability given the ongoing horrors of war. I am, for many reasons, wary of the risks this brings us, yet it is also true that risks do not automatically mean failure. I myself have mastered my emotions in a different manner than conventional wisdom councils.”
Windu spoke carefully. For all that he and Anakin had similar relationships with the force, they rarely saw eye to eye on any given subject. At a certain point, Mace had accepted that the volatile young man was determined to find the worst possible interpretation for anything he said. And Mace was not the order’s most patient diplomat.
“As for your crime, whatever it is, l will tell you this: Unless you choose to renounce the code and leave our number, you will be treated as a Jedi Knight, subject to our protections, as well as our judgement. You will receive appropriate mental counseling. If you are judged to be a danger to those around you, your actions will be curtailed and monitored, possibly through temporary confinement. The Jedi do not believe in punitive measures for their own sake, but you may be required to provide restitution to those you harmed, perhaps indefinitely.
Silence hung perilously between them. Windu watched a tremor run through the unfathomable kaleidoscopic of shatterpoints that had orbited Skywalker since he was a boy. A small one broke inward, and an attached tangle of larger, darker ones fell away, crumbling to dust. The rest faded from view, invisible for the moment. A choice had been made, some decision that closed off at least one path to the darkside.
“There’s no one to make restitutions to.”
“...You’re going to have to elaborate on that.”
“Let’s go back inside- I don’t want to do this twice.”
They returned to the increasingly hated meeting room.
Anakin spoke in an outpouring of words about love and hate, about misplaced revenge and now uncertain forgiveness. When he finally finished, the room was deathly silent.
The three Jedi sat quietly while Cody pinched the bridge of his nose. “I guess this is why Jedi have the no attachment rule, huh? I admit I never really got it, but I suppose even if I-”
Bant abruptly lunged up, fumbling to bring her lightsaber to Anakin’s neck. Everyone jumped to their feet, except for Anakin, who stared at Bant with a wretched expression.
“MASTER EERIN! This is not-”
“Did you do it?” she asked, ignoring the Master of the Order.
“Bant!”
“It was my first thought after I saw him. We all rushed in expecting a fight, or a bomb, only to find you, insane, and him with a hole next to his heart. I didn’t want to believe it of course, but you’ve always had a violent streak that Obi-Wan, force help him, couldn’t quite soothe away. A fight gone wrong. Master Windu said it was suicide, and I believed him, and I’ve been trying to make sense of that ever since. But Mace found you after, didn’t he? After you felt guilty? Did you think he was going to turn on you?”
“Bant Eerin, you are dangerously-”
“No.” Anakin whispered.
“Obviously I might be why. But I didn’t- I couldn’t. I know I’m not good but I can’t even imagine- holding a saber against him like that. Kriff, do you not get how much I can’t handle losing people I love? I was insane when you saw me because I saw someone trying to kill Obi-Wan and I couldn’t even fight them.”
Bant held his gaze for several lingering seconds, deactivated her saber and dropping it with a clatter. They stared at each other, breathing heavily and not blinking. She returned to her seat, moving jerkily. “I apologize Knight Skywalker. That was uncalled for.”
“I wish I could say I wouldn’t have done the same thing in your shoes” he responded lowly. Bant made a tiny, unintelligible noise in reply.
Cody collapsed back into his chair, holstering his blaster. “Alright then...so after you finished sitting in the fountain room...what happened next?”
Everyone stared at him.
“What?”
“You’re handling Anakin’s confession somewhat dispassionately. We’re simply surprised.” Mace said slowly, returning to his seat at the same time as Master Aerdo fell into theirs.
Cody shifted uncomfortably. “The vod were trained in a wide range of enemy suppression tactics. While we’re extremely glad the Jedi have never asked us to employ them, I’m not...unfamiliar with this scale of deliberate slaughter. At least in the hypothetical, sir.”
“I see.” Aerdo said. “That is a valuable insight to have, thank you. Knight Skywalker-”
“Just...call me Anakin. Or Skywalker.”
“Anakin. When did this happen?”
“About two years ago, immediately before the First Battle of Geonosis.”
“And have you had any similar experiences with giving into the darkside since?” they asked placidly.
“I don’t think so but...we went to war the next day and....I don’t know if I’ve stopped fighting since it- since I did what I did.”
“Hmm. Anakin, would you mind stepping outside the room and waiting in the corridor for a moment please?”
He bit his tongue, tasting blood, and quietly walked out the door while the Masters decided his fate. He leaned back against a wall, desperately wanting to see Padme.
To his surprise, the door opened barely a few minutes later, and he was politely invited back in.
“Anakin.” Master Windu spoke. “Thank you for telling us this. It’s an important insight into Obi-Wan’s feelings right now, and I recognize that you could have kept it a secret. As Head of the Order, and with the advice of a Senior Soul Healer, I have made a decision. You will be assigned a personal soul healer, who you will start seeing tomorrow. Commander Cody pointed out that over nearly two years of continuous warfare, you have maintained some of the the lowest trooper casualty units of any division, by a significant margin if we evaluate based on mission risk level. Your civilian and enemy casualties will be reviewed, but even considering constant war, since your massacre of the Tuskens, you have clearly managed to at least... direct your violence away from the innocent. We do not consider you a threat to the inhabitants of the world. For the time being, I see no real benefit to limiting or tracking your behavior within the temple or on planet, but you are barred from leaving orbit. I have decided to delay a full reckoning before the council until such time that your former Master is well enough to provide his own opinion. Give me just cause, and I will have you confined to a force-suppressing cell. Do you understand?”
Anakin nodded, bowing in acknowledgment. All things considered, it was...honestly better than he expected.
“Now, as Cody” Windu paused. “My apologies, as the Commander was saying-”
“Cody’s fine, sir” Cody said, wrung out in a way different from anything Kamino had trained him for.
“...I think we can all consider ourselves on a first name basis at this point.” Bant said with a snort. She paused. “That includes you Anakin. I really don’t know how to handle what you did but kark it, I don’t want to hate you. For myself.”
Everyone nodded.
“As Cody was saying, what happened next?”
Peace. Comfort. Hunger. A warning in the force...
-
“I tried to pull the saber back but his finger was already on the igniter...”
“You probably saved his life. Even a second later-”
“I know, that’s almost the worst part.”
-
“-his neck”
“Why would he change weapons?”
“What if-”
-
“He said what to you and Healer Che?”
“That has to support the detailed vision idea, think about-”
“I’m sorry, Emperor?”
-
“I think we’re done.”
Anakin stared blankly at Sife. “But we didn’t figure anything out.”
“Not conclusively, but we’re unlikely to make any more progress, you’ve given me enough information to preform a meaningful meditative scan, or guide a conversation, should Obi-Wan wake, or navigate through his mind, should we decide to make a more decisive attempt at his shields.”
“Master Aerdo... I leave the final judgement up to you, but I strongly urge you to make a more decisive attempt. I am more convinced now than I was...” Mace glanced at the chronometer “five hours ago that this was motivated by a specific, external stimuli, likely dark. Do you disagree?”
“No.” they said with a sigh. “But I don’t want to underestimate how much underlying factors might have contributed to his response to stimuli, including underlying factors that none of you were aware of.”
The Nautolan Soul Healer stood up, tucking their hands into their sleeves to address the room with classical Jedi serenity. It was a little irritating.
“In any case, we all need to sleep, eat, and meditate. Master Eerin, you have the rest of the day off, I've cleared it with Master Che already. Master Windu, I leave the final judgement up to you, and I am aware that your duties as Master of the Order are unceasing, but I urge you to take some time to center yourself before returning to the council. Commander Cody, I would be more than willing to arrange soul healing for you or any of the Vod, please let me know. Anakin, you will receive a comm later today with further details on your future healing sessions.
They bowed low, then glided out the door.
Bant stood next, bowed individually to each soul, and sped walked out.
Commander Cody cleared his throat awkwardly, “Mace- what should I tell the troops? We’re supposed to have command briefings later tonight.”
“If anyone asks about General Kenobi, tell them its classified.” I’ll schedule a briefing on the subject. Now go find Captain Rex and take care of yourself, that’s an order.”
Cody saluted, first to the high General, then to Anakin.
Finally it was just Mace and Anakin.
“Is there anyone who you trust who I can call to stay with you.” Master Windu asked.
“I can manage on my own” Anakin replied, not willing to give the Master of the Order anything else he could use against him, even after everything.
Master Windu held back a sigh.
He continued once more, making a deliberate attempt to soften his tone. “Anakin- I know we’ve had our differences, but this is not a trick, nor a trap. You’ve suffered a series of great shocks in the last 24 hours and handled them with immense maturity. I myself am struggling to deal with the emotional fallout.”
Anakin looked up at that, surprised. He didn’t seem to be struggling, but maybe that was what made him a good Jedi Master...
“As I told you before, I am not going to begrudge you the comfort of attachment. I’m rather convinced it would do you more harm than good at this point. I don’t want you flying right now, and you don’t have to be alone. I hope we have come to a better understanding today, but I doubt my presence is suddenly a comfort, though please correct me if I’m wrong. Now is there someone I can call?”
-
Padme ended her call with Master Windu extremely discomfited. She had barely heard from Anakin since he ran out on her the night before last to take care of an apparently extremely drunk Obi-Wan. He had messaged her a few times that night, promising to make it up to her, but had been comm-silent since. She had been starting to get worried, and now the Master of the Order was asking her to pick him up from the temple. Fortunately, she had already cleared most of her meetings for the week well in advance (Courascant leave usually meant THEM time, not that she was jealous of Obi-Wan, of course).
The speeder ride back from the temple was silent. All Anakin would say was that he would explain everything once they were in ‘a secure location.’
The door to the apartment had scarcely closed behind them when Anakin fell into her arms, shaking.
“Anakin, talk to me love, what’s wrong?” She gently guided him to the couch, arranging him so she could hold him protectively.
“Obi-Wan tried to kill himself.”
She let out a harsh gasp, “No! He can’t have, he would never-”
“I got to him in time, but Padme... he was holding a lightsaber to his heart. It was...really close” He burrowed deeper into the folds of her dress, and she gripped him fiercely.
“Oh gods, is he-”
“He’s physically healing, but he’s still...not all there. I spent all of today locked in a room, trying to figure out if it was a Sith Attack, or an insane vision, or..or me”
“Anakin! What do you mean ‘me’ - Obi-Wan loves you, you-”
“I know.” Anakin interrupted her again, knowing he was being unfair; he was just too exhausted to be patient.
“He told me loved me. He...he...found out about what I did to the Tusken village, You should have seen his face, Padme, he was horrified, but he still told me he loved me, and he was willing to forgive me, even though he shouldn’t”
“Of course he forgave you,” Padme whispered. “You’re not a monster, Anakin, I know you would never do something like that again.”
"And then after we talked, I left him alone and he-” Anakin choked out into her dress.
Tears ran down her face, heart breaking. “That’s- that’s horrible. Anakin...it must have have been a attack, Obi-Wan wouldn’t do that.” she said urgently.
He pulled away, horrified. “I made you cry. I made Obi-Wan cry too. I’m sorry- Padme please, promise me you won’t-”
She grabbed the sides of his head.
Her nails bit into the soft skin behind his ears as she pulled him down so they were face-to-face, vowing, “Never. I swear by the force itself, I will never choose death over life.”
He let out a relieved sigh, eyes fluttering closed.
“Now you,” she demanded
“As long as I have anyone to live for, I swear by the force, I will never choose death over life.”
She pulled him the rest of the way in for a bruising kiss. He lifted her, and they desperately clung at one another as he carried her to bed. They continued like that, clinging and grasping, until exhaustion carried him to sleep. She pulled the covers over top them both and curled around him defensively as the day slowly faded away.
Part XI
#star wars#my au#suicidal misunderstanding au#prequel trilogy#potentially triggering#discussions of suicide#references to self-harm#star wars au#bonding? between#Mace Windu and Anakin Skywalker#? in my#hurt/comfort fic#? It’s more likely than you’d think#also I struggle with fix it stories that just never address the big tusken elephant in the room? of course i want everyone to#live happily ever but theres a certain scale of atrocity that i feel u gotta address 2 get there#ugh this chapter got reallly long and im just gonna post it ok? ok.#meh#a lot of this fic is just people mentally going What The Fuck at various registers with different inflections#Because that’s not an inappropriate response to time travel in general! and star wars canon in particular.#star wars au no 27
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Anastasia (prologue)
A/n ive been talking about my Anastasia x SOC story for awhile and im finally ready to post the prequel,, ive also been working on some requests and thinking about my next multi-part fic (ive made some posts about it lol)
things to know before reading: i tend to like to make up my own countries when writing these type of politically/plot driven fics that revolve around a royal family bc i think it makes it not only easier to write but less confusing bc it takes out the issue of potentially conflicting with canon, so i made up the country ‘Anastasia’ is from,, this also follows the musical Anastasia a little more bc i feel like that version of the story is more mature and easier to write for SOC (the only difference is that not everyone is happy that Anastasia is alive and someone tries to kill her bc they hate the royal family)
Series Summary: y/n makes an unconventional deal with Kaz to save the life of her best friend. No one’s ever made a deal with the infamous Dirtyhands that resulted in them shedding the title of orphan from a revolution-torn country that can’t remember her life before the orphanage and taking on the title of Princess Anastasia. As time progresses, things are made more complicated as y/n has to deal with royals, revolutionaries, a grisha general who has a lot to gain from an alliance with a princess that doesn’t know what she’s doing, and potential feelings for a conflicted Kaz Brekker that has more to do with Anastasia’s disappearance than he’s ever admitted.
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The world seems to be made up impossible things. Each day, people defy odds, strangers fall in love, the universe expands, and the Saints watch it all. I am not the kind of person to sneer at a miracle, to try to explain it away instead of acknowledging it for what it is.
But what this stranger is proposing is laughable.
I lean more into the chair, doing all I can to get away from the desk that he sits at. A nervous kind of giggle threatens to escape me, a laugh at the expense of the foolishness of the situation. If his demeanor was any less brooding, I would have already laughed at the irony. Kaz Brekker, the Dirtyhands, creating a ploy so colored by the fairytale notions of dreamers.
The longer I go without reacting, the worse this situation becomes. I haven’t seen Verne since Brekker and his people separated us. I can see the world of torment my eldest friend must be experiencing at this very moment while I sit at this desk.
“Me?” I’m the most ridiculous part of his plan. He said the only reason me and my partner are still alive is because I fit the general description of the kind of person he needs, and if I’m blackmailed into it he won’t need to waste kruge paying me. “A princess?”
He blinks, as uninterested and stoic as he’s been since he first ordered me into his office. “A pretend one,” his correction feels like a slight, “a surrogate one.”
My eyebrows furrow together. “But what--I know the odds of the real Anastasia coming back are beyond slim, but if we’re caught in a lie the Dowager Duchess of Avila will have all of us killed. She may be in Ravka now, and her title nothing more than decorative due to the revolution, but she still has people loyal to her.”
“Anastasia can’t come back.” The graveness of his voice is so certain a part of me has to wonder if he could have anything to do with her death. I dismiss the thought almost immediately, I don’t know his exact age, but he doesn’t look much older than me. He couldn’t have been more than two or three years older than Anastasia when she died, and she was a child at the time. “No one remains missing that long unless they’re dead.”
I awkwardly scratch the back of my wrist, “You’re the expert here.” No--I did not just say that out loud. “Sorry--I didn’t mean to say that out loud. Not that thinking it makes it any better, but at least then you wouldn’t know and I’d seem like less of an idiot and I wouldn’t be talking about it right now, and just rambling at a really inconvenient time for me to just...” I cringe slightly, opting to stare at his desk instead of meeting his judgmental gaze. “Sorry, again. Normally Verne is here, and he just kicks me in the shin or something to shut me up.”
“If you’d like to see what apparently is your only source of impulse control alive and in decent enough condition to kick anything ever again, you’ll agree to what I’m proposing.”
I straighten my posture slightly, nerves and guilt twisting in my stomach. “I’m going to be as transparent as physically possible.” The warning is for both of us, the urge to hide all my weaknesses bubbling in my chest. “Mr. Brekker.” That’s awkward--what am I supposed to call him? “I’m a university student that’s only in Ketterdam because of an academic scholarship. I’m from somewhere average--I’m not from a place nice enough to give me the manners I’d need to pass as a girl who spent her fundamental years growing up in luxury and I’m not from a place grimy enough to make me a quick enough liar to make up for what I don’t know.” I inhale slowly, ignoring the sting of the flaws I laid out for a cruel stranger. “I’m not particularly graceful or sly or talented in any field that someone like you would value. The closest thing I have to talent involves things that can be tracked on paper. I wasn’t even supposed to be here tonight, I was just doing a friend a favor.”
“You claim that you’re not a decent liar or a thief and yet your closest friend is one who believed himself talented enough to challenge me?”
I resist the urge to shrink back into my seat. “This is Ketterdam, you try finding someone that doesn’t dabble in crime and ambition.” He does’t reply to my retort, which I think means I won. “Cards on the table, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to save Verne, but you don’t want me for something like this.”
He pauses, jaw locked and eyes too stony for me to interpret. “Every flaw you just pointed out, every reason you think makes you unfit for this job, is exactly the reason I’m offering you this.” I keep a thousand questions to myself as I wait for him to continue. “Those used to lying lack the warmth that will be needed to sell this. The Dowager Duchess is a grandmother first when it comes to Anastasia, that’s why she’s offering so much gold. She, and the rest of the royals that desire to know what happened to Anastasia, want to believe the story I’m telling. If you present yourself as someone real and warm and you understand table manners enough to not disturb the serene picture they want, they’ll squint at ugly details until they disappear.”
Wow. I know that he’s intelligent, but what he’s constructing is so much more bullet proof than I thought it’d be. “I’ll admit you’ve constructed an airtight narrative.”
I know my approval means nothing to him, but it’s the most agreeable I’m willing to be. “A narrative the background you told me of fits perfectly.” I shouldn’t have answered all those questions he asked me earlier so honestly. “A child born in Avila who was sent to a Kerch orphanage due to a war-relief effort during the revolution. A faceless orphan who was found during the height of the revolution with no memory of anything before the morning she woke up in a hospital cot.”
I say nothing. My skin burns in protest of someone knowing so much about me. He must take my silence as a sign of me teetering the line away from what he wants, because he then says, “your friend is fortunate, if things aligned a little less perfectly he’d be dead already.”
Dead already. The words elate my heart in a way that pinches. He’s still alive. Verne is alive. “If I agree, you let me see him and then you let him go.”
“If you need a contract to believe me, I can have that arranged.” The words have an almost mocking edge. I guess it’d be a little ridiculous to get an official contract drawn up for something so small. “If you at any point change your mind, I’ll do the same.”
The threat is clear. I back out and Verne pays for it in blood. Verne’s safety is once again in my hand. This situation is much more precarious than Kaz Brekker wants it to seem. “You need me to do something that will literally last the rest of my life. Tiaras aren’t something you can slip in and out of.”
“Yes, I’m forcing you to give up a life in the slums for a palace for your friend’s life. This must be a difficult choice for you.”
I look down to avoid rolling my eyes. “It’s still permanent, and it’s large because at any point I could reveal the truth and take you down with me.”
“Remember who you speak to.” His voice has turned to pure darkness.
Don’t wince. Don’t wince. Don’t wince. “All I’m saying is that you’ve offered Verne’s life to buy my cooperation, but you have yet to mention the cost of my silence.”
His expression is sharp enough to draw blood. “The Dowager Duchess is old and sick, wait at most two years and you’ll have more gold than you could ever spend. The revolution took that family’s power, not the wealth the Duchess took with her to Ravka the night of the massacre.”
I shift awkwardly. “I’m not trying to get kruge from you for me.” I fold my hands neatly on my lap to avoid fidgeting. “Verne--he’s beyond desperate for kruge, that’s why he risked angering you.” The urge to shy away threatens to break my resolve. I think of all the times Verne has saved me. “Let him keep what he tried to take.” The request is awkward from my lips. I’m asking for more when I should should be grateful any type of mercy came from him. Any type of offer. “Half. Let him keep half.”
He’s silent for a long moment, weighing the implications of loss. “You’re already entitled enough to pass for royalty.” I don’t let myself shrink. “Deal, but not because you threatened me--try that again and you’ll find yourself wishing you had never left the orphanage you came from.” The relief is practically crushing. Verne is going to be okay. He’s going to live and my resistance earned him enough kruge to have a week or two without worry as he plans what he’ll do in my absence. “You better be as good a study as you made yourself seem to be.”
I don’t understand the second threat. “Studying?”
“You didn’t think you could wander into the Dowager Duchess’s home, use the excuse of amnesia to explain why you don’t even know your own mother’s name, and expect them to think you more than an Avilan orphan with a desire for wealth.”
“I actually don’t know my own mother’s name because of amnesia.”
He’s in no mood to be contradicted, glowering sharply, “not anymore, anything that doesn’t fit the narrative I’m constructing is no longer true.” He straightens slightly as he begins to pace away from me. “You’ll have five minutes with your friend and then we’ll see where your table manners are at. I know someone who knows enough to correct you.”
I try to picture where someone like him would meet someone that knows about etiquette. My mind provides nothing useful, but it doesn’t matter--I’ve agreed. It can’t be undone, not without having the blood of my dearest friend on my hands.
#anastasia#kaz brekker#kaz brekker x reader#kaz brekker imagine#kaz brekker x you#six of crows#six of crows netflix#six of crows fic#six of crows imagine#six of crows show#six of crows x reader#six of crows x you#grisha#grishaverse x you#grishaverse imagine#the Grishaverse#Grishaverse#grishaverse x reader#grishaverse imagines#shadow and bone#shadow and bone fic#shadow and bone fanfic#shadow and bone x reader
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I read that anon saying the best friend new friend dynamics affected them.
Now how we know tae was also feeling the same.
Jikookers always try to protect tae before even saying their opinion on jikook , maybe because of fear of getting called tae anti and tae solo stans are the most toxic solo stans in Fandom.
We don't know if he was really feeling jealous and left out coz jikook were growing incredibly close and 2016-18 we can see this clearly. Anon said they only knew their relationship later which may also happend with tae , but until then he thought they r moving closer leaving him behind.
Jm was his best friend n soul mate as they call it and jk was also incredibly close to him and 3 having an amazing friendship, then 2 of its relationship changed over years and thye tried to seek out each other more and more often and tae may did felt left out and thus his reactions to jikook , it Maynot be necessarily him policing or trolling jikook. (Like how we tend to belive coz we tend to see tae as good friend). It may also be him imposing himself to jikook , to be included and thus possessive and less boundary action he did with both jk and jm.
Jm have multiple times showed his disinterest in tae lack of boundaries with himself and jk(that dna fansigjn). But then it's jm , most mature and understanding among the 3. So he and tae may have talked it out.
Jk , we are talking abt jk, whose motto is wt yours is mine wt mine is mine (even in 2020) , he maynot be jealous but he's fairly possessive over jm and may felt tae doing this on purpose. He may understood tae trying to separate them or impose himself on jikook or getting in between them which maybe also a big reason he felt distant with tae in following years(again confirmed by taekook in soop)
Just like that anon said how their and new bfs dynamics was not good. Taekook relationship also became sour. This Maynot be because taekook maturing and having diff interests as fans tend to explain. If so then jks relationship with all members must be sour. They all have matured and are much more having age gap Than taekook. They were also having different intrest than jk. But he was still having emotional connection with all other members. Jm have matured more and is strikingly diff person than jk and still jk is head over heels for him. Taekook literally see each other everyday so it was also not because old best friends now distant case.
The reason for this emotional distance may come from the same reason that anon told. Tae trolling , getting in between on their time with each other , improving himself on them may indeed had a impact in jk mind and thus he withdrawn from tae and emotionally closed off.
Then later tae knew the exact relationship between this two, how his and jk relationship with jm was 2 diff things , how they both had a place in his heart but for different reasons , so tae tried to ment up with him, to sit and talk but jk was not ready , to be emotionally vulnerable infront of tae as he already kinda lost this connection (Which again why jm has to drag him to talk with tae in soop).
Ive always thought this was wt happend between them and taekooks drift. We always don't need to paint tae as a police for jikook or innocent friend who was just trolling them coz we dont know what happend between them. There's always a chance for this anon kinda story to vminkook. Which we are having multiple examples and statements to prove from them itself.
I hear you anon. I can't say that I agree with everything that you write, but I do agree that the dynamics between the three is a complex one, and not everything that Tae did was about policing or protecting Jikook. Sometimes its about trolling them, pushing himself in between them.
These are three young men with complex personalities. So, I think that the driving forces here are not always cut and dry, especially as they are all great friends that were also working and living together at that point in time.
At times it could be a frustration of being left out, at times it could be concern for them not to be too obvious (to protect them and the band), at times it could be him being naughty and just wanting to joke around with them.
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A SERIE WITH HANK VOIGHT. CHAPTER IV.
❚❙ WORDS: about 700.
❚❙ A/N: this writing hasn’t been edited, you may find some grammar mistakes, I’m sorry about that. If you find a description about body or a word out of place or something that makes you feel uncomfortable / unrepresented, let me know by a private message and I will change it delighted. — The parts of this writing in italic are situations in the past.
❚❙ GIF credits: to my wonderful @sonsofeorl.
❚❙ Tag list: @melblacc @rebelwrites @skyofficialxx @sesamepancakes @scarletsoldierrr @mondefantastique @that-chick212 @enbyamaro @inlovewith3 @ocetevasgirl @destynelseclipsa @jadakiss13 @mcgreads @graniairish @sophie-writes @i-love-scott-mccall @teller258316. If you want to be added to my tag list, send me a message.
One thing that usually repeated to you in the academy, about a suspect, was to focus on the shoes. You can change a jacket, a t-shirt (...) after committing a crime to divert attention from you, but not the shoes. And that was the key to finding Lucy's murderer. Antonio and Jay contacted every shop in Chicago which were currently selling Air Force One in white color concretely and, then, reduced the list of customers to the last month. Not many people bought this pair during that time. Five people. And only one has a criminal record. Jackson Duch. Assault and robbery, but nothing really serious. Finding his address took them less than thirty seconds.
Voight is waiting for him close to the cage. No one, except for his Unit, knows that he has been already arrested and being driven to the back door of the police station. This is his business and he's going to take care of it personally. Very personally. Hank can't help but crack his knuckles when the black Cadillac appears in his field of view. Not even Antonio has seen before that look in his eyes; satisfaction and rage burning inside them. He could lose his badge, but when has it been a problem for him? Never.
Atwater and Ruzek take the man out of the car, before leaving them alone. Hank puts him inside the cage to prepare himself. Leaving his gun and his jacket over the table some steps away, the sergeant unbuttons his cuffs to roll up the sleeves of his blue plaid shirt, walking towards the open cage.
“Normally, you would be upstairs. Having a friendly talk. Spending a good time”. His voice is deeper than usual, resting his shoulder against the grills rubbing the line of his jaw. “But you shot down one of my best officers. A good girl with a bright future”.
Crossing his arms over his chest, he shakes his head slightly keeping calm as much as he can.
“But it's your lucky day, I'm gonna give you a chance. Tell me why you did it”.
“I want a lawyer”.
“Hm… Wrong answer”.
Duch can't reply, nor repeat his exigence. His mouth opens at the exact moment Voight hit his face with the sole of his boot. He can feel to perfection the bridge of his nose creaking until breaking, making a blood river born there and staining Jackson's mouth, chin and neck. The hollerings of pain fill up the place and Hank doesn't feel bad for feeling good. Grabbing his throat with a hand too tight that his knuckles become white, he lifts the murderer from the bench.
“Voight”. Antonio's voice interrupts his pleasurable task, turning at him to focus on the fold he has brought him. “You're not gonna like this… Or maybe yes. Jackson Duch was Lucy and (Y/N)'s neighbor off and on about three months ago. They complained on several occasions, all of them in the name of (Y/N)”.
He doesn't show any surprise, but he does not know why neither of you said something before.
“He used to harass them, call them in the middle of the night… And he hit (Y/N) in the lift once, but our golden girl sent him to the Chicago Med. And then this… son of a bitch tried to report her by, brace yourself, police abuse”. Antonio can't help but chuckle rubbing his forehead.
“Do you like to beat up women, hm?”
The man doesn't reply. Hank grabs him pulling his head to toss back his head and come closer to face him, pointing at him with a forefinger.
“(Y/N) was your objective, wasn't she? You killed Lucy by mistake”. The furious on his voice coming it all from his chest, trying to not think about what could happen if he hadn't mistaken, make Duch choke under his hands strongly closed around his throat.
“That… bitch… dese—deserved it”.
These words fuel the fire and there's no going back. Hank loosens the grip only to slam his fists once and again on Jackson's face. Soon, his cheekbones and his lips are covered in blood, just like his closed eyelids. He loses control, letting himself go in every punch that strikes him. Until Antonio must intervene when Duch is barely breathing and collapsing with his blood.
Because of all the noise, the rest of the Unit appears in action to help Dawson to contain Voight and separate him from Lucy's murderer.
#lemme know what you think in a comment! ⚡#chicago pd#chicago pd imagine#chicago pd x reader#one chicago#hank voight imagine#hank voight x reader#hank voight
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When I first saw that Chris Terrio had given an interview “explaining” TROS, I wasn’t going to read it.
But then, I thought, hey! Let’s see what the corporate spin is on this disaster!
1. “...it’s about taking the ideas that came from ‘VIII’ and trying to complicate them and develop them and to have some new surprises.”
Umm...the ideas from VIII were plenty complex. They didn’t need to be “complicated”, they needed to be explored. And if you were trying for new surprises, you failed utterly. Everything about this movie was completely predictable to anyone who’d seen the other eight movies. Okay, moving on.
2. re: Rey Palpatine. Terrio argues that this reveal is in dialogue with “The Last Jedi” rather than just a ret-con of it. What dialogue? The idea that the Force isn’t tied to bloodlines, that people can be strong no matter their ancestry, was a major theme of TLJ, and it was echoed even at the end, with Broom Boy. Saying that Rey actually did get her powers from her genetic heritage is directly opposed to that theme, not in dialogue with it. Unless, of course, that dialogue is nothing more than a taunt of “In your face, Johnson!” So that statement is some bullcrap. Next one.
3. Terrio added that anyone who thinks he and Abrams ignored the direction of “The Last Jedi” or countered it rather than developed and deepened it...are “not understanding how writers think.” That’s an interesting statement, since what I’ve seen from this fandom is an enormous amount of creativity and intelligence, including fanfiction that is far superior to many works of published fiction. There are also innumerable meta that explore the story structure of the ST and of the three-trilogy body of work as a whole, written by people who know what they’re talking about. I agree that somebody doesn’t understand how writers think, but I don’t think it’s the fans.
4. “We wanted to show all the characters growing in some way.“ One of my biggest problems with this movie was the static nature of the characters. They had basically no arcs whatsoever, except for Ben, whose arc has been building from Episode VII and who regresses immensely before making the final push to become Ben Solo again. So you failed at that, dude. Big time.
5. “ Luke stopping Rey from tossing a saber away....That moment for us was about Luke having learned something and ... he will not let Rey make the same mistake that he did.” Unpopular opinion incoming -- I actually agree with this statement. That’s how I read the whole Luke interaction when I saw TROS. In TLJ, he was still too into his own head, still a bit of the whiny farm boy from Episodes IV and V; here, he actually seems to finally be wise. My issue with this particular Luke segment is simply that it was rushed too quickly (which was no different than the rest of the movie).
6. “ As J.J. said, that it would almost be weird for Palpatine not to be in some way in this movie.” No, it wouldn’t, because he was canonically dead.Threats to peace can come from anywhere, and there were any number of big bads in the EU that could have been used here, if you didn’t want to go with an original character.
7. “We probably could have written a whole movie that was just a lead up to Kylo Ren going to get the wayfinders...Where he now is the king, and he had to sort of earn the throne. And now, how will he perform as Supreme Leader?” Innumerable amounts of people would have paid such good money, multiple times, to watch that story, if it were done well (and probably if it were done in a mediocre way, to tell the truth). You left something really interesting in the Idea Trash Can.
8. “I think Rey has to keep asking herself who she is and keep declaring who she is in the course of this movie, and that changes. At the beginning of the movie, Rey is a different person than she is at the end,” Actually, she’s not (see point #4 above). You may have intended for her to wrestle with her Palpatinian heritage, but then you never gave her time to do so (never even wrote it into the script, apparently). She struck me as frustratingly indifferent about it, to be honest. So, that’s another big fail for you.
9. “I don’t think we think of it as she’s going to live there,” Terrio said. “We thought of it as just paying her respects and sort of undoing the original sin at the end of the third movie, which is the separation of the twins.“ Then that’s another big fail, because everyone I’ve talked to about that ending believes she is going back to live there. That was the message we got from the way it was written, shot, and edited. It says the exact opposite of what you’re claiming it says. So either a) you’re spouting bullcrap because you realize it was a horrible ending; or b) J.J. Abrams is an utterly incompetent filmmaker.
10. re: Rey Skywalker “In the end, we thought that the final victory of the Light and the final act of self-affirmation for Rey was to declare that despite her blood she is a Skywalker. At that moment, the Skywalkers truly win the family saga.” Um, you people had a whole-ass actual Skywalker with a complex backstory and a tremendous fan following -- remember him? Yeah, the guy who sacrificed his life to save the woman he loved, the woman who was essentially his parents’ “replacement child” for him. He died and then was never mentioned again, and there is no indication that even his soulmate ever mourned his passing. That is not a win for the Skywalker family, not by any stretch of the imagination.
11. re: the Force Ghosts at the end. “Spiritually, it’s not a crazy idea that all the Jedi would be standing with them, but it might’ve been a bit of a visual shock to see all these new characters on Tatooine who weren’t part of the story of Leia, Luke and Rey.” The Ben Solo erasure is breathtakingly astounding. I just can’t even with this. AN ENTIRE MAJOR CHARACTER FROM THE FRANCHISE’S MAJOR FAMILY DIES AND IS COMPLETELY IGNORED. It is absolutely shitty storytelling. But then again, I’m probably way off base here, since I “don’t understand how writers think.”
12. re: the specific Force Ghosts they chose. “But, the twins never got to Tatooine together. So, the idea of seeing the twins together after the sabers are laid to rest felt like it was something that was very moving to me and J.J.” First of all, the twins were on Tatooine together in Episode VI, so jot that down. (Seriously, did these people even watch any of the other movies? Sure doesn’t seem like it, from the amount of canon that got exploded or ignored.) Second, I’m glad it was a moving idea for you and J.J.; how nice that you were able to share those feelings with each other. However, this movie isn’t about you. It’s about the story. And within the context of the story, it made no sense for Rey to go bury the sabers on Tatooine in the first place, no matter how great you all thought that Force Ghost thing felt. That, in short, is what was wrong with the entire movie -- it wasn’t about the actual story, at all. It was about making pretty set pieces and cool-looking battles. It was a shallow veneer that hid a hollow core.
Ugh. Enough. Had to have my say but am going to go write some more positive fanfiction now. Because what we need in the world is hope, not melancholy, and we sure didn’t get it from TROS.
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Fine Line Masterpost:
A breakdown, musically and lyrically
In Fine Line, ‘raw honesty’ doesn’t really mean delving into the details of who Harry Styles is sleeping with, but rather it’s a glimpse into the world of a 25-year-old who is both deeply in love and who fucks up a lot; he’s given to sugary supplications, is plagued by jealousy, pouts at consequences, and struggles with understanding an inner self that keeps prodding him towards exploration of his identity.
The album is constructed to be consumed by various factions of the fandom. There’s no getting away from the surface dedication of HS2 as an ode to a blonde supermodel with a delicious French accent whose new boyfriend’s father owns a gallery, a girl who has golden hair and blue eyes. I won’t be arguing that away, because it’s intentional, it’s meant to be the surface layer.
The mantle is not the crust, though. Taken individually, each song can be seen as speaking to the queer experience in varied and complex ways, and I’ve seen some truly beautiful explorations of this angle. Especially with TPWK and FL, the anthemic solidarity with queer experience is astounding and gorgeous. I think it’s no accident that this broad take holds true as we zoom in and look at the complex details; Harry has written songs that speak both to this meaning and also hold incredibly personal and intimate significance between him and a partner (in this post we’ll call them Subject).
I will be focusing on the album as a cohesive narrative in the context of it’s chronological, linear progression. Fine Line details an incredibly personal struggle; it’s a love letter, an at times embarrassing, self-loathing reflection on a love gone wrong, a love struggling, an emerging self, and a hope redeemed.
Please feel free to ask questions if any of the technical stuff is confusing, but please also remember that these are my opinions, coupled with my analysis as a professional musician (meaning, hopefully I’m remembering those torturous years of theory dictation correctly!)
Side A
All four songs share an off-kilter-ness, a restless, unsettled, frantic feeling, as if Harry is balancing, undecided between throwing himself at the feet of the one he loves or pulling away. This is no illusion; the tonic base is missing from each song save WS (but even here the tonic is sabotaged in our ear, as we’ll discuss). We’re on a journey to side B; we start with a hope that sweet memories and lust can salvage love, and we end with Harry going his own way.
Golden: There are only two chords in this song, DM and CM7, the V and IV7 of the implied tonic, G Major. We never get to tonic though. We never touch that home base. The songs “da da da’s” give it a happier, peppier illusion than the text reveals.
Harry is already broken, already reflecting and hopeless as the song begins. His intended listener, Subject - the sun, the golden one - waits for him in the sky, and is all he’s ever known. Subject has always browned his skin just right, but now, Harry reflects, perhaps has been too bright for him. (Is some aspect of Harry buried in the brilliance of Subject’s light?) This golden Subject is scared, though, scared Harry is so open. Harry doesn’t want to be alone, but he also needs to peel back edges of himself previously unexplored. Stepping into and away from light is a major theme for Harry, and this opening song sets that precedent. Subject is scared because “hearts get broken,” but Harry’s heart is already broken, so perhaps this refers not to interpersonal heartbreak, but situational. Harry recognizes he’s “out of his head...” BUT, he counters, “Loving you’s the antidote!” He naively gushes out poetry while Subject remains unconvinced. We establish an impasse.
Watermelon Sugar: The Dm - Cm - Am6 - GM chord progression is an odd one; my best guess is that the song is in D minor, so the progression is:
i, VII, v, IV
That’s not typical in a minor key. Usually the leading tone note (in this case a C) is raised (so C#) making the five chord Major (V) not minor (v) and the seven chord diminished (viio) not Major (VII). also the Major IV ignores the B flat in the key signature of D minor and instead uses B natural. So all this to say that the tonic base STILL doesn’t feel like a tonic home, because the normalcy around the key signature is erased. Everything still feels unsettled, unresolved.
Much has been made of the oral sex interpretation, so, ya. This is a song about remembering the best of times, a prayer to Subject, a plea for summertime and bellies and strawberries, and a feeling Harry is desperate to get back.
Adore You: The three chords in this song, Cm - BbM - AbM, imply an E flat Major key, so vi, V, IV, respectively. The tonic, Eb (I), is (once again) never used, and instead vi, V, IV circle without ever coming to rest.
Subject, “Honey,” creates a rainbow paradise. This is another love letter to Subject, let me adore you, I’ll walk through fire for you, you don’t have to say anything just listen to me, you don’t have to say you love me too, just please, please... you’ve been on my mind. Let me adore you like it’s the only thing I’ll ever do. By this wording, Harry admits that adoring Subject is not the only thing he ever does, yet he wishes Subject to remember, or imagine, this false reality.
Lights Up: We’re in C Major here, with the chords Am - GM - FM, creating the same exact chord progression as Adore You, vi, V, IV. We (yet again!) never reach the tonic of C Major. It’s a constant tease of resolution, but there’s no solid home base. We’re suspended in limbo.
Subject is “sorry, btw.” What does that mean, Harry asks? Sorry we’re here in this place, that this is happing? This song is Harry’s declaration: he’s not staying, he’s not coming back down. It would be sweet if things stayed the same, but no, I’m stepping into the light. “All the lights couldn’t put out the dark”... even all the golden sun of Subject couldn’t heal the void in Harry’s soul? Harry asks subject, do you know who you are? implying that he’s determined to answer this for himself. I’m reminded of the crab in Moana, singing “Shiny.” There’s a certain bravado here, a reckless glittery happiness, a flaunting, an exuberance in discovery.
Side B
Tonics are all over the place. Harry is certainly certain about heartbreak. No ambiguity here.
Cherry: GM - Em - CM, or I, vi, IV. We’re in G Major and we know it. Repetitive “cou-cos’s” pepper the track like hanging fruit (let’s imagine from cherry trees).
The song is a simple one, simple in its jealousy. Harry has let Subject go, and now Subject is at their best... and Harry hates it. He doesn't want his former pet term of endearment used on another, even though he has no claim on Subject’s actions anymore. Harry keeps finding bits of Subject in how he dresses. They’re not talking lately, and Harry perhaps is most upset that this separation isn’t going how he planned... Subject is at their best without him.
The gallery line is inserted as a bridge, a unique line of music rather separate from the rest, an intentional narrative. But what’s most fascinating is the end of the song. The previous repetitive chord progression changes. Now we have
GM - AM7 (an added C#) - Am7 (4/2 inversion) - GM
or I, II7, ii7, I
The “cou-cou” lands during the AM7 (the II7) and it lands EXACTLY on the note of B, extending the 7th chord to a ninth chord, before, on its second syllable, dropping to the A and holding there (a kind of suspension) while the chord progression resolves to the Am7 (ii7), making the A a chord tone. This is deliberate. Unless the whole piece was harmonically built around Camille’s random use of a B to A in a voicemail (also randomly in the perfect key for Harry’s voice) this was purposely recorded for aesthetic effect. I for one really love it, I could listen to breathy french girls mutter about beaches endlessly...
Falling: A straightforward progression. In the key of E Major,
EM - C#m - BM - AM or I, vi, V, IV
With Falling, the only ballade on the album, we see Harry shift from jealousy to self destructive behavior. I don’t believe the ‘wandering hands’ line is about cheating (he and Subject were already apart) but rather, Harry seeking to wound Subject by turning to others. Communication is back open, because Subject says they care, they miss him too, but now Harry’s gone and fucked it all up. What have I become? What if Subject never needs me again? I can’t unpack the baggage they left. I just want Subject AROUND! Harry isn’t even begging for a romantic connection, he’s simply begging for Subject’s presence. He was so sure he could discover himself in LU, and now he keeps asking, what am I now? Who has he become on his own? He’s falling, and there’s no one to catch him.
To Be So Lonely: This song waffles between two keys, just as Harry waffles between defending himself to Subject and finally, finally admitting (in just one small line) that he is, in fact, sorry. The song seems to start out in C Major, with CM and Am chords (I, iv) but then at the chorus the Am chord elides from a iv to a i, revealing the key is really A minor. The chorus goes on to be:
Am - GM - Em - FM
or i, VII (lowered leading tone in minor), v (lowered leading tone in minor), VI
A fluttering mandolin mimics a fluttering heartbeat, and a folk music lilt gives the song a certain feel of heartbreak.
Harry asks for Subject to not blame the drunk caller, likely himself. Harry was away. He missed Subject. He was just a little boy when he fell, and presumably Subject caught him that time. Subject is trying to be friends, they mean well, perhaps have taken pity on him, but Harry cannot stand to be called baby now, not when that name doesn’t mean what it used to, not when it’s a hollow word. Harry’s ‘home’ is suddenly a lonely place, but Subject has his reasons for how he’s acted, presumably good ones, and finally Harry gives his mea culpa, “this is it, so I’m sorry.”
Interestingly, only after admitting that he’s made mistakes too, that he’s not perfect, that he shares the blame, does Harry confront and open himself to the realization contained in the next song, the heart of the album and the crux of what Harry’s been dancing around up until this point.
She: In E minor, both verse and chorus use the same progression:
Em - DM - CM - Am - (Bm, a quick lead-in to) - Em
or i, II, VI, iv, v (no raised leading tone), i
This Bowie-esc sounding song is the first to have characters. In addition to the Subject (perennially addressed as ‘You’) there is The Man and She. I would argue The Man and She are both Harry, a duality. The man drops his kids off at school, the man is thinking of You, like all of us do (everyone thinks of their SO perhaps). The Man goes through mundane daily tasks, but is he faking it? Does he really know what to do? He’s playing pretend, so pretend.
Now Harry introduces She. (When speaking of She, Harry sings in a high falsetto.) She lives in daydreams, she is the first one he sees, and Harry doesn’t know who She is. A Woman just in his head, who sleeps in his (a jump up to the falsetto for just this one word in the verse) bed while he plays pretend. Much has been said about the gender/fluidity discovery in this song, and by better than me. It’s clear what Harry is saying, it’s clear what he’s going through and wrestling with. He’s thinking of Subject, but also haunted by She, in his head, in his mind’s eye, in his daydreams. She is a part of Harry, and Harry wants to know who She is.
Side C
Uncomplicated tonics! All Major! A shift into happiness perhaps?
Sunflower: F Major. BbM - FM - CM, or IV, I, V. The bridge is fancy:
iii, IV, V, vi, I, V vi, V (vi?) V
Some trippie hippie song from the 60s! Two lines of thought are apparent from the get go; Harry says he wants to get to know Subject, but then says “before I got to know you.” It’s as if this is a new beginning, like he and Subject are starting over. Much is made of the ‘seed’ thing, a metaphor for new life and rebirth, “plant new seeds in the melody.” Harry is trying hard not to talk to Subject, to not seem eager, not act a fool. He was just tongue tied, then he’s still tongue tied, implying he’s done this whole dance before. He implores Subject to hold their sweet memories: domestic times, kitchens, kids. In Golden, Subject was the sun. Now Subject is a sunflower, hung up high in the gallery, out of the shade, in the light a sunflower needs to thrive, into the light, step into the light. Little gasps from Harry interject throughout; is he surfacing from water (LU music video?), is he breathing between kisses, is he suddenly gifted new life like Gandalf atop Isengard? The end of the piece devolves into calls of unbridled, nonsensical joy, like birds song, like mating calls amongst brilliant plumage.
Canyon Moon: D Major. DM - GM - AM - DM (I, IV, V, I)
Bridge DM - (Em transit?) - AM - DM (I, (ii), V, I)
Chorus DM - AM - DM - GM (I, V6, I6, IV)
Perhaps the most straightforward tonic bound song of the album. Harry is missing Subject, but it’s a happy nostalgia now, a hopeful one, a “two weeks and I’ll be home.” Home is no longer a lonely place, like in TBSL. The world is happy waiting (there’s no rush? No need to have everything figured out?). “Doors yellow, broken, blue.” You can’t bribe the door on the way to the sky a sky where Harry’s Golden sun awaits him, and now the sky door is broken, busted through, that blue door to a blue sky that never looked so blue.
We get another glimpse of She here; Subject remains You, Harry remains Harry, but there’s also a She who plays old hippies’ love songs and pretends to know the words; perhaps this is another Camille reference for narrative purposes, but I lean more towards this being another reference to She as Harry, exploring odd new music he’s never heard, trying not to be so pretentious about it but failing. (He’s such an Aquarius.) Most charmingly of all, the single whistler becomes two by the end of the song.
Treat People With Kindness: F Major. This is the most interesting piece in terms of text painting.
We start with CM6 - FM, then FM6/4 - BbM, then back to CM6 - FM, then we hold on the Am chord, and then repeat the whole thing. So analyzed in F Major this would be V6, I, I6/4, IV, V6, I, iii.
But. By using the I6 to IV, Harry plays with the idea of a V of IV, where you take the IV chord of the key and pretend it has its own dominant (V) and use the V of IV not as the I chord normally is used, but as a Leading Tone chord to IV.
ALL THAT TO SAY. He’s illustrating the lyrics. During “Maybe we can find a place” the chords are playing with dual resolutions. Where is the actual tonic? Is it F Major or B Flat Major? It’s ambiguous! We don’t know! We haven’t found our place yet!
But then! The bridge. “And if we’re here long enough” and look where we land, on a CM chord, then BbM, then FM, a solid V, IV, I progression. And THEN (bless this boy) on the word belong we get the same A minor chord (the iii) but we get a 7th added to the chord, a G, and Harry holds this G in the melody (plant new seeds in the melody), a note that VERY MUCH DOES NOT BELONG because in no universe does a iii chord in Major have a 7th added! And Harry not only ADDS but draws attention to this note, this note that doesn’t belong!!! Then this iii7 chord resolves to C Major (V), making the G note a chord tone, making it BELONG, making it fit perfectly.
GOD. Weep with me.
This is Over the Rainbow. This is Hair, this is Age of Aquarius. Somewhere there’s a place we can belong and feel good and people will celebrate and rejoice in us, someday a new age will dawn.
Harry is plunging into the deep end, dreaming, caught up in his good feelings and his euphoria in being “given second chances.” He’s tentative about admitting reckless hope to Subject; instead he says, “Maybe we can find a place to feel good?” Harry says he doesn’t need all the answers. He said in LU “do you know who you are” then in Falling “What am I now?” then in She “I don't know who she is” and now he’s at peace. He feels good in his skin, and he will keep on dancing.
Most personally, I think the sudden somber turn of the line “If our friends all pass away” is in reference to grief. He’s speaking to Subject, but also to himself. It will be okay, okay, okay. Harry can’t control his life, he doesn’t have everything figured out, but he’s come to accept that.
Side D
Fine Line: D Major. We come full circle, returning to the use of only three chords like at the start of the album. This time, though, Harry resolves to tonic in a repetitive pattern used for both the verses and chorus:
Bm, GM7, DM6/4, or vi, IV7, I
FL is the summation of the album, the thesis statement, the conclusion of the journey. Harry has endured tests of patience, and accepted that there are things he’ll never know. He’s trying to shake off trepidation (of plunging in the deep end? Of hoping?). He says “My hand’s at risk, I fold.” The poker analogy is an interesting one; Subject (presumably) has gotten past Harry’s poker face, has sussed out his fronts and acts and strategies, and Harry is left bare and exposed, vulnerable before them. He’s been brought to this point, but willingly he folds. He laments that “spreading you open is the only way of knowing you.” We should open up before it’s all too much. Harry is done fighting. He’s also done sleeping in the dirt. For the first time he’s not sugar-coating his words, avoiding their problems via sex and pretense and flowery language. He’s matured enough to admit, “Man, I hate you sometimes.”
Again we have the reappearance of She. Harry says to Subject, “We’ll get the drinks in, so I’ll get to thinking of her.” This She is something between them, within them now, another facet of his and Subject’s relationship. Harry is going to spend time thinking of Her. She, I believe, is a part of him.
A fine line is a balancing act, a tightrope, a suspension between extremes. But Harry calls out into the echo of the music, “We’ll be alright.” A declaration, a hope, a promise. Brass, strings, and a building crescendo, a cacophony of movie-credit-worthy emotion, sweeps us towards closure. Ethereal voices fade out, moving from dominant to tonic, but then a solitary piano plinks on a V chord, twice, hanging in the air, a question, an invitation, a hope.
#fine line#masterpost#musical analysis#HS2#Harry Styles#lyric interpretation#theories#opinions#Golden#Watermelon Sugar#Adore You#Light Up#Cherry#Falling#To Be So Lonely#She#Sunflower#Canyon Moon#Treat People With Kindness
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Wedding Party I
Summary: Ben hardy x fem!reader. Lucy and Rami’s wedding is coming up and you and Ben are both part of the wedding party, with one catch.
Word Count: 4.6k
Warnings: cussing, fluff, some roasting of reader
A/N: This is the third and final part of my 500 follower celebration!! Though you might be able to guess that this will have more than one part, so stay tuned! Thank you so much again to everyone who follows me, including the people that have since I hit 500, cause it’s been a minute, whoops. I’m hoping to post updates to this weekly until it’s done. (Side note, obviously not shaming reader and neither are any of her friends, including Lucy, she just doesn’t want any drama.) Any feedback is super appreciated but especially replies, messages, and asks are super helpful for my writing ‘cause I get to hear what you think!
Part II, Part III, Part IV, Mini i, Mini ii, Masterlist
(hot hot hot gif by @mrbenhardys)
💖💖💖
Over the past couple years, you had found yourself attending no fewer than three weddings a year, and last year broke the record with six. It was always a bit of a to do but you enjoyed it nonetheless, happy to see your friends happy and to go to a party. You hadn’t always been so happy to go; originally you were a little cynical and bitter about being single while all of your school and university friends got married. But then, at the second wedding you had been to, you hooked up with the best man and your opinion had been changed. It was easy to be happy for the happy couple when you were having hot sex with friends of friends with no chance for strings or feelings.
As such, you had grown a bit of a reputation among your friends that had borne witness to this behavior. A few teased you about it, a couple were silent, and a few more cheered you on, but none tried to stop you. This was mainly because none of them had seen how it would negatively impact them. And it wasn’t like it was terrible, but on more than one occasion you and some other guest had been walked in on, sometimes only a heated making out, but sometimes in the act. You had apologized and even tried to make it till after the reception, but it was hard sometimes with all the free booze and romantic songs and pretty lights making you hornier than ever.
Maybe there had been some awkward happenings when it was a destination wedding and the wedding party had events the next day. While you were happy with the one and done, some of the men you had hooked up with would be miffed when you kicked them out after the deed and didn’t seem so interested the next morning. After a couple uncomfortable brunches where everyone could feel the tension in the air (and not the good kind), you had decided to stick with the guys that were just a bit douchey and wouldn’t be so pained at a one night stand. Not that they didn’t sometimes get butthurt when you dropped ‘em too.
But to you, that was the beauty of the thing: hot sex for one night and one night only. You and whoever else you were with would exist in a made-up wedding world for the ceremony, reception, a couple hours of fucking, and then it would all be over and you could go back to your real world without any consequences. Okay, so only a couple consequences.
You thought that you would be able to keep this up indefinitely; you had a ton of friends in relationships who would have plenty of eligible bachelors at their weddings. That is, until your best friend, Lucy, got engaged to Rami. When she had invited you over for brunch just the two of you and had told you the news, you were enthralled for her. Rami was an amazing guy and you had never seen Lucy as happy as when she was with him. And then you were enthralled for yourself when you thought about all Rami’s actor friends that would undoubtedly be there. You had already met a couple, Joe and Gwilym, and if they were any sign of what level of men would be there, you couldn’t wait.
Your daydreams all came crashing down around you when Lucy abruptly said, “You’re not allowed to fuck anyone at my wedding.”
The two of you had just separated from your happy hug so she put her hands on your shoulders to make sure you looked at her and were paying attention.
“I-I-- What?” you stumbled out, brought from your reverie that was running through a list of A-list celebrity names that might be at the wedding. You tried to look innocent but the fiery look in Lucy’s eyes stopped you. So instead you whined, “Why?”
Lucy just rolled her eyes, though fondly, and replied, “Sit down.”
The two of you sat down at the wonderful brunch she (probably with help from Rami who was quite the home cook) had made and plated a couple items, poured mimosas, and you took your first bite before she continued.
“Obviously, Rami and I are very private people. We don’t like our relationship broadcasted to the public, and Rami feels that way about most of his life in general. So we’ve decided to have a really small wedding. We want it to be intimate and to share our love with each person that attends. We don’t feel like we have to prove anything or live up to any crazy standard and invite hundreds of people, half of whom we’ve never even spoken to,” Lucy explained, and throughout her little speech you felt yourself get a little emotional because you could tell how truly and deeply she and Rami loved each other. Lucy’s voice cracked a little and you reached your hand over to hers to give it a gentle squeeze.
Lucy took a sip of her drink and then said with a more pointed tone, “So because we are close friends or family with every single person that will be there, we don’t want anybody… fraternizing with anybody else and causing… awkward circumstances for us or any of the guests.”
“‘We,’ Lucy? Rami told you he didn’t want me fucking anyone?” you asked sarcastically.
“Well, when I say we I mean me, mainly. But Rami does want a drama-free wedding, as do I,” Lucy conceded. As she finished her sentence, Rami walked in having returned from what looked like the gym.
“What about me? Hi Y/N, hi sweet,” Rami said, dropping a kiss to your cheek briefly and then giving Lucy a more substantial one on the lips.
“Oh we were just talking about the wedding, you know,” Lucy said and Rami grinned.
“Did you ask her?” he inquired.
“Ask me what?”
“Well you know that Emma and I have had a pact to have each other as our maids of honour since we were like two and three,” she started and you nodded, knowing the story because she and her sister had relayed it many times over the years you had known them. “But will you do me the honour of being one of my bridesmaids?”
A big smile took over your face and you jumped up to hug her, practically yelling “yes!” into her ear. Then you brought Rami into the hug as well, all of you laughing and smiling.
When that was done, you all sat back down, Rami pulling up a chair and grabbing a plate. Then you turned to him and said, “So Rami, Luce was just about to tell me about all of your friends that are going to be there.”
You were just teasing, but as you saw Lucy’s miffed face, you couldn’t help yourself. “You know, I really liked meeting Joe and Gwilym, it’d be nice to see them again. And can’t forget about that Ben who you all talk so much about. ‘Haven’t met him yet, but I’m sure the wedding will fix that.”
So that Lucy couldn’t see, you winked at Rami to make sure he knew you were joking, mostly.
Before you could say another word, Lucy burst out, “No, do not fuck anyone. Okay? Do. Not. Fuck. Anyone. Especially Ben.”
Your ears perked up at that, “Ben? Why especially Ben?”
“Uhhhhhhh,” Lucy hesitated for a second, a look of panic taking over her face.
“Because you guys will be walking together and you’ll spend the most time together,” Rami saved her.
“Yeah, it would mess up the whole party’s dynamic. Just don’t okay?” Lucy asked with a pleading look in her eyes to make you feel guilty.
“Okay, geez, I won’t. You guys act like I’m some floozy who can’t keep it in her pants,” you half-pouted for a second, but then they both gave you a look. “Whatever, I won’t, I won’t!”
_
Unbeknownst to you, the reason they were so hell-bent on keeping your attention off Ben specifically was not because he was the groomsman to your bridesmaid (although that would’ve been reason enough). It was actually because Ben had the exact same reputation amongst his friends as you did yours.
After he had gotten out of a more serious relationship a couple years ago, he hadn’t settled down again. With plenty of friends getting married, his was the same fruitful situation as yours, and he used it to his benefit. The wedding scene was a lot more reliable than just hitting up any old bar or pub.
Ben had also gotten the no fucking speech, but from Rami when he asked him to be a groomsman. He had agreed to the rule with a begrudging nod. Ben was easier to convince since he was mutual friends with a lot of Lucy and Rami’s friends and would know most everyone at the wedding.
While you and Lucy had been best friends for years, you weren’t an actress and didn’t already know most of her actor friends. Because of Lucy’s filming schedules and locations, you relied on a lot of facetime to keep up with each other. You had only met Joe because you had tagged along on a Venice trip with Lucy and Rami. Gwilym you had got to know a bit more because whenever Lucy and Rami were in town for more than a week they liked to have dinner parties or game nights and both of you were frequently in attendance. Ben’s filming schedule or other priorities had always prevented him from joining in, at least for times you had gone.
Of course you had seen pictures of Ben on everyone’s instagram, and maybe had done some stalking of your own. Not to mention you watched Bohemian Rhapsody, obviously, and had caught a couple of other things he had been in just by happenstance. He seemed like a pretty good actor and a pretty great guy from what you could tell. Plus, you trusted the judgement of your friends about his character.
_____
Lucy and Rami weren’t ones to do the more extravagant things that some engaged couples did. Instead of a big engagement party, they decided to have a dinner party with just their families and the wedding party.
The party started at 6:30pm, so you got there… at 6:50pm. You hadn’t meant to be late but you couldn’t decide between two dresses, worrying that the one you wanted to wear would be too dressy. You ended up going for it anyway, it was black with an opaque sweetheart neckline and a mesh and lace section that made it sleeveless and so it wasn’t actually strapless. It wasn’t bodycon but it hugged your curves nicely and had gold shimmery thread as part of the lace that caught the light. You had also done your makeup and hair quickly but thought that the overall effect was nice.
As you arrived at their door, you tried the handle, hoping it was open so you could slip in quietly, but no dice. So you knocked twice and stepped back to wait. No answer came so you knocked again louder and waited again. Just as you were about to raise your hand again, the door swung open and you saw Joe there.
He smiled when he recognized you; the two of you had become quick friends during those couple days in Venice.
But before he could say anything, you glanced past him and asked, “Dinner hasn’t started, right? I’m not that late?”
Joe laughed and shook his head, “No, everyone’s still getting drinks and stuff. You’re only like five minutes behind the last person to arrive. Nice to see you by the way.”
You laughed sheepishly and leaned in for the hug he offered, “Nice to see you too, Joe. How’s everything?”
The two of you headed further into the apartment as he told you, “Pretty good. I'm actually starting filming just outside London so I’ll be over here basically until right after the wedding. No trips back and forth for me.”
“That’s great! And that means you’ll be ‘round for game nights. I’ll have to warn you that Gwilym and I make a great team.”
Joe scoffed at that, “Gwil and I are a great team, thank you very much.”
“Funny, he hasn’t mentioned anything to me about your skills,” you shot back with a smirk.
“Guess we’ll just have to ask him.”
“Guess we will.”
Gwilym ended up being the first person the two of you saw as you entered the living room. He saw you walk in and headed over quickly with a big smile on his face.
“Ah Y/N, glad you made it!” he said, leaning down for a peck on the cheek and a quick hug.
“Yep, and only 20 fashionable minutes late,” you replied and the three of you laughed.
“Alright, alright, introductions are over. We have something to settle with you Gwil,” Joe said seriously.
“Oh?” Gwil asked, a little confused.
“That’s right. Joe and I wanted to know which one of us is the best game night partner,” you asked, pointing an accusatory finger as Joe squinted his eyes at him.
Gwil broke out in laughter, which only seemed slightly nervous. “Well you see… It’s like comparing apples and oranges. Y/N you’re better at trivia but Joe you’re really good at charades.”
Joe and you looked at each other and then back to Gwil.
“Seems like a bit of a cop-out to me,” Joe pointed out.
“Yeah, why don’t you just give us a real--”
“Y/N! There you are!” you heard Lucy calling out to you and you turned to see your best friend excusing herself from some of her family members. She half ran over to you and pulled you in for a tight hug.
“Hey you look nice,” you told her when you pulled back and could see her outfit. She was in a flowy cream colored dress with ruffles and gold ribbon sewn in.
“Thank you,” she replied. Then a cheeky smile took over her face and she told you, “You look a bit like a young widow attending her 80-year-old husband’s funeral after killing him in his sleep. All you’re missing is the black veil.”
“Shut up!”
“Don’t listen to her, Y/N, you look lovely,” Rami told you as he walked up.
As he kissed your cheek and you leaned in for a hug you told him while looking at Lucy, “Thank you, Rami, you truly are such a good friend.”
“I’m just telling it like it is,” Lucy shrugged to everyone’s amusement.
Everyone got to chatting and catching up, but when you were in the middle of a conversation with Gwil, Lucy pulled you away.
“Where did he get to?” Lucy wondered, looking around the room.
“Who--?”
“Ah there he is,” Lucy told herself more than you and started pulling you over to the other side of the room.
You had no idea where she was leading you to until you noticed a man with blonde hair facing the other direction and talking to a couple you didn’t know. Realizing it must be Ben, your stomach dropped but whether it was out of anticipation, excitement, or anxiousness you couldn’t tell. Ben had been hyped up so much both by your friends and by the idea of him you had in your mind. Now it was even worse after that speech Lucy had given you a couple weeks ago. Even though she hadn’t meant to, she was putting all of your attention on Ben with the thought of sex in mind. Now you were just trying to stave it off so you didn’t make a fool of yourself upon meeting him.
Taking a deep breath in as Lucy tapped on his shoulder, you tried to ready yourself for anything that might happen. Ben looked quickly and saw that it was Lucy and politely excused himself from the conversation.
Even just hearing him say that made your eyes widen slightly; he had such a deep, rich voice that in any other case your mouth would practically be watering at the thought of what it would sound like in bed. Now, you had that thought but had to drop it quickly from your mind because it would lead places that weren’t allowed.
Ben finally turned around, smiling at Lucy and then his expression turned to interest when he saw you.
“Ben, I’d like you to meet my best friend, Y/N. Y/N, this is Ben,” Lucy said and the two of you shook hands, smiling and exchanging pleasantries. “Okay so you both already know that you’ll be walking together so… get to know each other! Become, acquainted, better yet become friends!”
Both of you laughed lightly at Lucy’s words and then waved her off when someone started calling for her.
“So you’re the infamous Ben,” you said jokingly, looking him up and down as if you were studying him and not as if he was just incredibly good to look at.
“Infamous? Do I have that bad of a reputation?” Ben said back good-naturedly, though he was a little worried you had heard about his penchant for sleeping with people at weddings, especially with Rami confronting him about it.
“Well, maybe not bad, more I’ve just heard about you so much without meeting you that if it weren’t for your movies I wouldn’t have thought you really existed,” you amended with a smile.
“Oh my movies, huh? You’ve seen more than one?” Ben asked cheekily and your cheeks flushed for a moment.
“Well I’ve obviously seen borhap, as you would call it, and I saw X-Men before all that to keep up with the series, and my family’s very into action movies, so I caught 6 Underground with them,” you explained.
“Seems like you’re pretty familiar with my filmography,” he pointed out with a smile.
“If that’s what you wanna think…”
“I think that you’ve been here for about ten minutes and no one’s gotten you a drink. Can I fix that?” Ben asked, gesturing to your empty hands.
“Lead the way,” you replied, and he guided you over to where a little bar was set up. On the way, you had to remind yourself again of the rules and that though a handsome man was making you a drink, that was all that was happening.
“Alright, they’ve got the works so what would you like?” Ben said with an easy smile.
“Oh, um, I like Moscow mules,” you told him.
“Good choice, good choice,” Ben replied as he looked around at the different bottles. “A Moscow mule…”
“Do you know how to make a Moscow mule?” you asked because he had missed the ginger beer bottle about three times.
“What? Of course I… don’t,” he admitted sheepishly.
“It’s okay, I can just make it,” you suggested but Ben shook his head.
“No, I said I was going to get you a drink, and I’ll make it. If you could just tell me how?” he said with a small smile.
You laughed and nodded, “Okay, so just squeeze a lime wedge into the glass and go ahead and drop it in. Then a couple ice cubes, that’s good. And now two oz. of vodka, actually why don’t you do one and a half, I don’t need two right now. Now you just fill the rest with ginger beer and give it a stir!”
Ben stirred the drink and then garnished it with another lime wedge, “Ta-da, my first ever Moscow mule and all for you!��
Taking it from him, you waited until he grabbed his own drink again and then held yours up for a cheers. After taking a sip you said, “Mmm, very good, just like a real bartender. Do you want to try?”
“Sure,” he replied with a smile and you carefully exchanged drinks so he didn’t have to hold both while he did. Your hands brushed against each other a couple times and you had to keep your breath from catching at how warm his hands were and the way he looked at you when it happened. “Oh wow, yeah that’s very good. Maybe I’ll have to have these from now on.”
“And hey, if the acting thing ever stops working out, you could always fall back on being a bartender,” you joked, unable to stop your laughter.
Ben shook his head but laughed too, saying, “That’s cold, that’s cold.”
Then he took another gulp of your drink and you reached forward to get it from him, “Hey, that’s mine, make your own if you’re so good at it.”
“Just a repayment for you being so mean. There, have it back,” he said with a smirk, handing it back to you and grabbing his own drink from your hand.
“Hmph,” you held your drink close to you to keep him from getting it again and Ben laughed at your actions, about to say something else when Rami was heard over the chatter saying that dinner was ready.
_
For dinner you were sat in between Lucy and Joe with Ben across from you and Gwilym and Rami next to him. Talk and laughter interrupted the actual eating of the meal, but it was hard to mind because everyone was having so much fun. Lucy and Rami’s families were on the other side of them, so everyone got to hear funny stories about their childhood as well.
After dinner, you and Emma had volunteered to get the dessert ready after some others had helped put away the dishes. You took it as an opportunity to catch up a little.
“So, you and that Ben seem to be hitting it off,” Emma said in a teasing tone as she started grabbing little plates from a cupboard.
“Please, you’re not doing recon for Lucy are you?” you asked with a roll of your eyes and taking the cleaned forks from the dish rack.
Emma looked at you confusedly, “What do you mean?”
“She didn’t tell you what she told me?” you asked and she shook her head. You sighed, taking the cover off the homemade sheet cake as you told her, “She told me that I wasn’t allowed to fuck anyone. And especially Ben because we’re walking together.”
Emma broke out in laughter at the words you said and the dejected way in which you said them, accidentally dropping the cake server onto the counter with a clatter, “Oh my gosh, honestly I can’t blame her, you do kinda wreak havoc on weddings.”
“That’s not fair! There’s only been like two outright verbal fights because of me,” you defended, taking the cake server yourself and starting to cut squares of cake.
“Hey, don’t take your anger out on the cake,” she pointed to your first haphazard piece of cake. “Anyway, how many passive aggressive altercations have there been because of you?”
“I dunno,” you said with a shrug of your shoulders but Emma’s look made you add, “Fine, a lot.”
“Exactly, now Ben’s hot I’ll give you that, but I think you can survive these next weeks without jumping his bones. It’s not like you’ll be seeing him all the time,” Emma told you.
“Yes, yes, I’ll be an adult, whatever. Lucy and Rami already covered this, you know,” you said with a bit of annoyance.
“Okay I’ll shut up. Let’s get this cake out there before there’s a riot,” she joked and you smiled, following her back into the living room with the pan of cake as she took the forks and plates.
_
Emma’s speech (you swore next it’ll be their mom telling you not to fuck Ben) did give you new resolve not to get too friendly with Ben, thinking it was better to interact with him in groups from now on.
That plan went well for most of the rest of the night as Joe, Gwilym, and Emma proved effective buffers. But then Gwilym had to leave because he had call time in the morning and Joe went with because he was staying with him. Then Emma went off to compare notes with Sami, Rami’s brother, about their respective maid of honor and best man responsibilities. You looked around and realized that because it was getting later and the families had gone home and Lucy and Rami were off doing who knows what in the kitchen, you were completely alone with Ben.
Not only that, but you were sitting right next to him on the couch and your knees were definitely touching. You tapped your fingers on your cup as you listened to Ben. He was telling you about shooting in Italy, which you had asked about because after going to Venice, you wanted to see more, but it was hard to pay attention. Your focus was being brought to his hands that he used to gesture as he talked. To his hair that he would absent-mindedly run his fingers through whenever a strand fell down onto his forehead. To his lips, oh fuck his full lips, that he licked whenever he smiled or laughed.
You could feel yourself leaning closer to him and if you weren’t wrong, his words were slowing down and he was getting closer to you too.
“So, yeah, I loved Florence, but um, Siena was something-- something special. It’s, it’s really-- really gorgeous,” Ben finished.
You looked up at him but found that he was looking at your lips and had tugged his own between his teeth. With the second drink in your system and the way you could feel Ben’s body heat radiating towards you and pulling you in, you were a second away from saying fuck it iand just kissing him.
“Are you done with your drink? Do you need another or?” Lucy’s voice asking you brought both of you out of whatever state you were in and you moved apart from each other, not so subtly.
You looked to Lucy and didn’t miss the pointed look she was giving you. “No, I should probably actually head out. I’ve got something in the morning, thanks though.”
Ben stood up when you did and you said goodbye with a strictly friendly hug. Then you said goodbye to Lucy, telling her quietly that she didn’t have to say anything. You found Rami with Emma and Sami and said goodbye to all of them.
As you were headed to the front door to let yourself out, Ben walked up behind you.
“Hold on a second,” he said and you turned around to him with a pleasant smile. “I, um, wanted to give you my number in case there’s ever anything that we need to discuss or whatever since we’re, you know, walking together.”
Ben was a little awkward getting that out, so you handed your phone to him with a bright, “Sure!” to reassure him.
He typed in his phone number and you were ready to walk away with a quick goodbye but Ben got a look in his eye. For a second you thought he was going to kiss you and your breath caught, and then he leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to your cheek. Although not the kiss you were expecting, it still had an effect on you. It was different to the ones you had gotten from say Gwilym or Rami. Though it was probably just as quick, it felt a lot longer and just that simple act made your whole body feel warm.
“Looking forward to seeing you soon,” Ben said softly, hardly waiting for your quiet, “you too” before walking back to the living room.
You reached your hand up to the spot on your cheek he had kissed and walked out the door. That warm feeling didn’t go away all night.
💖💖💖
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April 12: Rocky III
(previous notes: Rocky II)
Because now that Rocky has done the unthinkable and become The Champ, we want to see him tackle the next challenge… win AGAIN.
I remember seeing this in the theater with my buddy. I don't know if I liked it. I'm pretty sure I found Mr. T to be as charismatic and as terrifying as they wanted. I'm pretty sure when I bought the ticket I hesitated and asked the cashier, "hey, wait, we get to see him do some variation on the triumphant steps jogging moment, right? Otherwise never mind I'll go see Poltergeist again". If I'm paying good money for boxing sequels, I want to be assured that the formula has not been altered.
Okay let's go.
Once again, this is Un Film De Sylvester Stallone.
Slight variation on the fanfare with the title, now there's a close-up of the Important Belt Buckle Of Punchsport.
Then we see the climax of the previous movie, maybe edited slightly for time. But not very noticeably different.
That segues immediately to a montage of Rocky doing many successful beatup games, scored by the enormous pop hit "Eye of the Tiger". I suspect this isn't the last we'll hear of this number.
The montage morphs into a different story, one starring Mr. T! He's watching Rocky win stuff and he is not pleased. He can also fist-game, it seems. But the montage makes it clear that it is our hero Rocky who is the star of commercial endorsements and marriage love.
I mock but this visionary filmmaker has indeed opened this movie with energetically cinematic choices.
0:8:40 - Arcade games! Paulie goes to an arcade and it is like the arcades I went to when this movie was out and I see games that I played! But Paulie doesn't like the Rocky pinball machine. It seems he is a sore brother-in-law.
Rocky is now very dashing. Paulie is drunk and whiny about how Rocky is such a big shot now, but he has a point about how prettied up he has become.
Later that night Rocky and Adrian are in their bed and it has a rich person headboard. The director, also visibly present in front of the camera, clearly instructed the production designer to create a bed that would reflect the elite level of financial flexibility that the protagonist has reached.
So apparently Rocky has gotten himself into the strange situation where he has to do a charity boxing match against a wrestler played by the increasingly famous Hulk Hogan. I had forgotten that Hulk Hogan is in this movie. Mr. T is watching this match and he looks intensely the same way he only ever does.
Whoa Hulk Hogan is way taller than Sylvester Stallone. Is that allowed? The rules have changed! And this whole thing is not boxing it is wrestling and it is that silliness instead of boxing. This is a long scene that is the same as a typical Wrestlemania thing, all manufactured drama made to seem like fighting and true menace, but at the end we see that they are just professional coworkers and we have all learned a valuable lesson haven't we.
At a statue-unveiling, Rocky announces that he is maybe retiring. MAYBE. But then Mr. T shows up talking smack, and ladies and gentlemen we have ourselves an end-of-Act-One.
As Act Two begins, we have a scene that was an A+ homework assignment for the screenwriting teacher of Rocky III's screenwriter, who you will recall is the craftsman Sylvester Stallone. Burgess Meredith is like "I quit! I won't help you with this fight! Mr. T is too hard to beat!" But then they talk it out to advance past that scripted complication. And now Rocky and Mr. T are training for their fight in their separate worlds.
Speaking of worlds, in the World Of Rocky, the famous theme that was introduced in the score of the first movie is actually known to the characters in this movie as Rocky music. They play it for him publicly to celebrate their pride in his violence accomplishments.
Apollo Creed appears to be retired, but he is a commentator at this Rocky/T fight.
0:40:00 - They're about to do the fight, but Mr. T is so The Way He Is that the wants to fight on the way TO the fight. That results in some tumult that makes BM have health problems. It was vague what happened, it seemed like BM was shoved aside by all the mad/scared/fighting people, so then he has a conversation with Rocky in a back room where he's like, don't stop the fight even though I am suddenly vaguely frail. He sort of clutches his chest like maybe there's a heart attack but just one of those everyday ones. I have those every time I click send on a work email. My friends should not be discouraged from championship fisticuffs when that happens.
This is the first Rocky movie to be made after Raging Bull came out, and I detect some influence in the boxing footage, like with close-ups of Mr. T.
Rocky loses that fight pretty quickly, and maybe the problem is that he didn't do a pre-victory steps jog. But the movie is telling us that BM is dying on a table in the back room and that's the real problem.
BM dies and SS has done some pretty ambitious cry-acting. Then the funeral is in one of those indoor above-ground file-cabinet-style cemeteries, which is not the normal cinematic choice so nice job there.
I can already tell that we're going to have another thirty minutes of a bummed-out Rocky to fill out Act Two before it starts to look like the setup for a fulfilling climax can begin. It's what I would have told him to write if he were my student at the third-rate community college where I'm a part-time screenwriting teacher in this scenario.
Apollo Creed has shown up to try to pep-talk Rocky, and he keeps saying "eye of the tiger" because of marketing departments. But also, he is a more mature person than in the first two movies. Even though it's a character shift, I do kind of buy it. It seems like another side of the character we knew slightly.
0:59:00 - Another scene beginning with dialogue that sounds like it was improvised by people who don't know what real life is like. "Come on you're going to be late to the airport!" "Maybe you should have packed another sweater" "no in California it's not too cold". AHA THEY ARE GOING ON A TRIP TO CALIFORNIA I AM ON TO YOU ROCKY III
When they go to Los Angeles and show us people on the street and the people have been told to look and act super different so that the audience will be like, wow California is different, then, well, we are at this part of Rocky III did you know.
Although there was my earlier expectation that we were going to have a prolonged funereal story arc, but what's happened is that Apollo is invested in training Rocky so they're showing us that side of Apollo, and that's interesting. But also it's the template of "Rocky is training and he doesn't look like he's going to get there, but then inspiration will hit and he will look like he is going to get there". S. Stallone, noted filmmaker, is using montages and flashbacks to show how recent bad news moments for Rocky are haunting him. It is working.
Adrian performs a pep talk monologue for Rocky. I don't understand her point. It's like a box of those refrigerator poetry magnets jumbled up together and spoken as movie script lines. I guess the gist is "don't give up" and he starts to think maybe he shouldn't give up. Then it's a new training montage, and it's got the classic "running far now" Rocky theme so we know it's going well. The twist on the classic cheering-atop-stairs cadence is it's Rocky and Apollo on the beach, and Rocky is a little faster than Apollo and that is great news for them both.
Now we're right before the final fight, and we heard Mr. T tell a reporter that he "pity the fool". I didn't hear the rest of what he said, I was just so happy to hear him say "pity the fool".
Oh but shortly after that he is asked what his prediction is, and he looks at the camera, OUR camera, at US, and says "PAIN". Submitted without comment.
That face-to-face moment right before the fight starts, Mr. T says "imma bust you UP" and Rocky says "go for it". Advanced Scripted Dialogue with Professor Stallone.
The final fight happens, and it's mostly the same as how the other ones went except without a montage summarizing a whole bunch of rounds. I think this whole fight ended in three rounds. But it ends with the exact same music that I'm getting sick of….
BUT! There is a follow-up scene this time! It's some other day later on and Apollo and Rocky are just palling around at the gym. And THEN the movie ends. I feel that the producers must have implored Stallone, artisan that he is, to just end the movie on that climactic moment right after the fight ends, just like the other movies, but he said NO. That is not ENOUGH for a SYLVESTER STALLONE FILM. We will have an additional scene with INCONSEQUENTIAL BANTER. It will last OVER ONE MINUTE. And here we are. Rocky III: it's like Raging Bull, but better!!
I think Talia Shire is the only female actor with any lines in this movie.
One thing that's very much worth saying about this movie is that there is WAY more actual boxing in this movie. The other ones had almost no scenes where there were live boxing matches, but this one had lots. Plus that wrestling one! And as I observed, the directing style with this one also had a newfound sense of visual pop. But the story seems like it changed not at all from how it was described in the first studio board room meeting where jackass producers blurted out what Rocky III might be like.
(next: Rocky IV)
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SEVENTY - NEVER JUST ONE THING
LEGACY: A Tony Stark Daughter Story
MASTERLIST
< previous
Word Count: 1,650ish
Summary: When it comes to Bailey and her family, it’s never just one simple thing.
Pepper was asleep in her chair when I slowly opened my eyes. Tony’s chair was pushed all the way to my bed. His head was on my bed and he was holding my hand. I squeezed it weakly, but the best that I was able to. He slowly lifted his head up, confused. I squeezed his hand again. We made eye contact.
“Oh my—“ Tony said. He quickly grabbed my head and kissed me on the forehead. “I was so worried.” I heard Pepper move.
“Bailey!” She exclaimed, coming up behind Tony.
Tears started coming to my eyes. “I’m…” I swallowed, trying to get my sore voice as loud as it could go. “I am so sorry, Dad… I’m so so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” He hopped onto the bed and held me. “I forgive you. You didn’t do anything that wasn’t linked to something that I caused… Will… will you forgive me? I said and did so many awful… hurtful things… I… I understand if you can’t.”
I looked up at him and into his head. He was genuinely sorry. “Of course.” He squeezed me. “Ow.” He quickly stopped.
“I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?”
“It’s okay. It’s a good pain.” I lied. It wasn’t a good pain but I couldn’t let them know that just yet, they were already so worried as it is. I patted the bed on the other side of me. “Pepper..” She smiled and came around to the other side. We laid there together, holding each other until Rhodey and Vision came in.
“She’s awake!” Rhodey said. Pepper and Tony got off the bed and stood on either side.
“How are you feeling?” Vision asked.
“Yes,” Tony said, “how are you feeling?”
“Fine,” I answered. “I’m hungry though and wondering why I didn’t heal on my own, but other than that I’m fine.”
“We’ll go pick up some dinner and we can all eat in here,” Pepper said. “We’ll let you two have a little alone time.” The three of them walked out. Tony sat down on his chair and held my hand.
“I’m so sorry I worried you..” I said quietly.
“I’m not mad at you, I just need to know… How did you find out about Peter?” He asked.
“It was the morning after I had a nightmare and you had stayed outside in the hall all night. I over heard yours and Happy’s phone call. I looked up ‘spider-kid’ on FRIDAY’s server and studied his file… I found out that you had made him a suit and had him fight on your team in Germany. I was jealous and confused. I hacked into Happy’s phone and heard your guys’ conversation when you dropped him off. A few days after our fight, I… I went to his school and told him that I worked for you. That I was assigned to watch over him and how Happy was handling him… I also started training him. We became friends. I can see why you like him. He’s special. We were both angry that you wouldn’t let us help… that’s why we took matters into our own hands.” I squeezed his hand. “I’m so sorry.”
“I know, kid.” He squeezed back. “I should have trusted you more too. And from now on, I will.”
“What did you do to Peter? Hopefully you weren’t too hard on him.”
“I took away his suit. And I’m taking yours away too.”
“I figured. He’s a good kid, Dad. Hopefully he’ll earn your trust back.”
“I hope that too kiddo.” He paused and took a deep breath. “Where you ever planning on telling me about Rogers?”
“Yes, I was— we were. We just couldn’t find a good time. Things happened so quickly and then fell apart just as fast… I really didn’t want to keep it from you… I love you Dad and I’m so very sorry for all the trouble I have caused.”
“I love you too, honey.”
“Thank you,” I whispered after a few minutes of silence.
“For what?” Tony was a little surprised.
“For saving me.” He smirked. “On the ferry and… I heard you, while I was having my nightmare. I heard you tell me that everything was going to be alright. That I was safe… I felt your arms around me. You didn’t cause my nightmare daddy. My nightmare had nothing to do with you.”
He rested his head against mine. “I don’t know what I’d do with out you, kid.” He whispered. “I was so scared… I almost lost you again.”
“I know… I know… I’ll try to not let it happen again… I do have one more thing to tell you.”
He looked at me with his eye brow raised in nervousness. “Yes?”
“You know when Nat took you out to dinner to talk about the Accords, while we were in Vienna?” He nodded. “Steve asked her to do that. He took me out on a date that night.” Before he could answer, Pepper, Rhodey, and Vision entered the room with food. I hadn’t fully been sitting up before, so I pushed myself up. “Ow,” I winced.
Tony quickly grabbed my shoulder. “B, what hurts?” He asked.
“Nothing… it’s nothing—” I winced again as the pain shot up my side. Tony walked around and lifted up my hospital gown to see my side. “Dad!” I looked down. There was a giant bruise. I looked up at Tony. “How long was I out?”
“You got injured almost two weeks ago,” Pepper answered. “The doctors said that you would fully recover.”
Pepper set down the food she was holding and rushed back out the door. I looked over at Tony. I could tell that he was scared, but I couldn’t feel how scared he was. And I knew that was a problem. Pepper came back with some doctors. They walked over to the side Tony was standing on. They looked at my side.
“We’re going to have to run some more tests.” One of them said. “I know you’re hungry,” the doctor made eye contact with me. “But you’re going to have to hold off eating for a bit longer.” Another doctor started lowered my bed.
“Dad?” I looked at Tony. I was terrified and he could see it. He quickly grabbed my hand. The pain got worse and my stats began to go all over the place.
“It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay,” he tried to reassure me.
“What’s wrong with me?” I started crying. The doctors started pushing me away.
“We’re going to need you guys to stay here,” one of the doctors said to Tony.
“I can’t—“ Tony started. Pepper quickly went over to him, stopping him from following me. As they pushed me away, our hands slowly separated.
I put my hand to my side. I cried as they took me to the Med-Bay. I had an IV already in me, they refilled it and injected something into it. I started feeling sleepy. I really didn’t want to be put under. I wanted to be awake and know what was going on. When I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore, I fell asleep. After they had taken me away, Tony ran out. He went down to the lab and locked it up. He wouldn’t let anyone in. Pepper and Rhodey both took turns trying to get in, but he wouldn’t budge. Tony had the news on as background noise as he tinkered with my suit. After about five hours, Pepper came down to the lab.
“Tony,” she called through the door, “The doctors want to talk to us.”
He stood up and looked at Pepper, nodding with a blank yet worried expression. He unlocked the lab and grabbed Peppers hand as they walked to my room in the Med-Bay. He walked in and saw me. There was a tube down my throat once again and more coming out of my chest. He was taken back. Tony was disappointed in himself. How could he have let something like this happen to his own child? He knew where I had been hiding for the past week and he should have made me come home.
“Mr. Stark,” the main doctor said, pulling Tony out of his own thoughts. “Whatever the alien tech was made out of is poisoning her. It is basically the same stuff that caused her scars. It’s entered her blood stream. We’ve started filtering her blood so that the toxin doesn’t reach her heart.” Tony looked at the doctor with sad eyes. “We have come to two conclusions on how to help Bailey. The first is leave her like this until the toxin is fully filtered out of her system.”
“How long would that take?” Pepper asked.
“It could take as long as two months,” the doctor answered. “The toxin is very hard to pin point and it multiplies quickly. But there’s also one more option. We perform surgery and place something to filter the blood near her heart. It wouldn’t need to be permanent. It would be something similar to—“
“Something similar to an arc reactor,” Tony cut the doctor off.
“Yes, exactly.”
“How long would she need it for?” Pepper asked.
“We don’t know an exact amount of time she would need it. It would most likely be longer than keeping her plugged into the machines but she could go about living her life.” Tony sat down and put his head in his hands. “If you’re going to choose the arc reactor route, Mr. Stark, you would have to build it.”
Pepper went over to Tony and began to rub his back. “Thank you,” Pepper said, “We’ll talk about it.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” Tony said. “I’ll do it. Let’s head down to the lab.” He stood up and started heading to the lab. “Tell me exactly what you need it to do.”
next >
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hi do u think you can address the smptwt drama again... or at least reiterate your original points bc I see ppl on this hellsite hating on the boys despite if they did research, they wouldn't need to... it makes me really say
ive been on the fence about making another post relating to the smptwt drama for several reasons:
1. i feel like a lot of the things i want to say have been said already in streams and in tweets from content creators- I'm not sure if i have anything too new to offer (i have a couple points i want to make but idk if its enough to put the effort in to make a whole new post)
2. most of what i want to say is in my three original posts, however new things have come up and i suppose i would like to address these things where i can
https://crunchy-corvid.tumblr.com/post/619547090403622912/the-cscoopsmptwt-drama
https://crunchy-corvid.tumblr.com/post/619746266158661633/more-on-smptwt-long-post
https://crunchy-corvid.tumblr.com/post/619886809143476225/smptwt-part-3-030620
3- i am worried about being cancelled or even doxxed with the state of smptwt right now. I'm not sure if i want to put my safety/privacy on the line- especially as a trans queer fan
4- I'm not sure if i have the mental energy to put together a long post compiling everything in an accurate and unbiased way. going onto twitter to find screenshots is mentally exhausting for me, so i will only make this post if i feel it is worth it.
5- i am scared to make a mistake/leave something out/take things out of context/not be able to find evidence for something. i am adamant about getting as many resources as possible for these posts- to show a variety of opinions and evidence.
but my question to you, anon, and all of my followers, is this: is it worth it? ignore what I've said about my own struggles. ignore what I've said about my mental energy. i want you to think about it. and i want you to answer these questions for me:
- do you think i can bring new light to the situation, giving information and opinions which have been widely ignored so far?
- do you think i can make new points, separate from the ones i have already made in my past three posts?
- will the post reach the people who need it the most (aka stans, cancel culture supporters, and people who don't know whats going on)?
if you (and enough other people) think yes then i will do my best to make a new post, because i feel like its almost my... duty? to inform and educate about all of the shit that is going on.
if not, i will be taking any individual questions about the situation and answering them both through ask submissions and DMs. also, if you'd like me to talk about anything specific, please DM me- i have a lot of opinions.
if you want real-time updates on smptwt and other youtube/streamer drama, please join Cancelled Heaven, a discord server dedicated to that exact cause. we also discuss my Tumblr posts on there!
https://discord.gg/XEkM7H
thank you, and please take care of yourself x
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↬ my reality is a cruel fall without you.
date: august 2020.
location: ash’s living room / ash’s therapist’s office / ash’s apartment studio.
word count: 1,822 words, excluding lyrics.
summary: -
triggers: n/a.
notes: creative claims verification.
i.
ash has been through this exact writing process three times prior and he’s picked up some tricks. defining the seasons in the context of love had become easier for him as he finished their respective songs one by one.
winter had been the cold of the world driving two people together.
spring had been the honeymoon phase.
summer had been the oppressive weight of a long-term relationship taking its toll.
now, it’s time for him to write fall.
ii.
it’s been a year.
ash can’t remember anything in his life ever feeling quite as heavy as that promise ring had the night he’d slipped it off the chain around his neck and passed it out of his grasp for the last time, a mere six months after he’d put it on his finger and thought he’d had everything figured out.
“i love you so much, but we both know this isn’t working.”
(i love you, but not in the way i thought i’d been looking for my whole life any more.)
if he’d looked at himself from the outside, he would have felt silly for feeling his entire core splitting in half as the silver ring clattered onto the table, his resolve too weak to thrust it directly into the other man’s hand, but there’d always been the unspoken understanding that the ring was more than a silly promise.
a public declaration of forever in a relationship as an active idol is, by most accounts, socially impossible. making that forever official in the form of government documents as a same-sex couple in south korea is, by all accounts, legally impossible.
forever had been a big thought to a barely twenty-three year-old, and it’d only grown more massive the longer it hung over ash’s head blissfully unacknowledged for the sake of his own happiness, for the sake of the idea of finally getting his own happy ending. he’d get there one day. then, it wouldn’t feel so all-encompassing, so terrifying, but months had passed and he’d felt like he was only getting farther away from that one day.
it hadn’t gone unnoticed to ash that, without fail, he’d been the one to deflect from the topic of forever when talk between them became too real. with time, it started to weigh him down. one day, he looked up and found he wasn’t on that cloud high above everything anymore.
he was in a different world and he couldn’t see a way he’d ever be able to climb back up to be on even ground.
so, it had ended at ash’s hand.
ash had once heard a person needs half the time they were in a relationship to get over it, so looking at the calendar and seeing august come around once again, that hill should officially be behind him now.
so why does he still think about it with sorrow at times like these?
how are you? how are you doing without me?
he has no intentions of writing a song about him for his fall single at first. he only wants to distract himself on the anniversary of the last ending he’d faced. the last one he’d ever face if he’d learned anything worthwhile.
but when does he ever learn?
his piano is an old friend at times like these. if the wood had any consciousness within it beyond what he projects into it in his most desperate times of need, it would surely judge him for how he goes back to it like clockwork in his times of emotional distress, but the rest of the world will judge him less for it than it will for turning to the bottles in his kitchen or the exes in his phone.
there’s a pattern to it now. sit down, straighten his back (the weight of the world on his shoulders is no excuse for poor playing posture), rest his phone on the bench next to him with an application recording every note he plays, and lay a blank notebook of music staves next to it in case he decides to be formal about anything workable that comes out of his idling.
nothing noteworthy comes to him at first, but the more he plays, the more fresh ideas begin swirling in a twister in his mind against his initial intentions of merely distracting himself. he messes around with chords, keys, arpeggios. he’s been forcing it a lot lately, and it hasn’t turned out in his favor. letting it slowly seep its way out of his pores might be the better course of action now instead.
his mind is frantic but the music is slow and inspiration piles up inside of him until he decides to sit and think through a chord progression, then a top line melody, then he fleshes it out. the first step in the process is never perfect, but he isn’t stumped with where to go with it yet, and that’s a good sign. more and more, he’s felt defeated with his songwriting after idea after idea gets rejected by the only people whose opinions really matter if he ever wants his songs to make it out in the world. he could think a song is the best piece he’s ever crafted, but if it doesn’t appease the bc entertainment gods, it will never see the light of day.
he tries not to think about that while he works on this song. that’s the roadblock he’s run into too many times before trying to pluck out something he can be proud of on the strings of a guitar or on the black and white keys of a piano.
the end product is something jazzy but moody, laden with his unspoken emotions but in a way that lends itself to simplicity, but he ponders for days the right way to put words to it.
he can feel what he wants the lyrics to say. it’s when he attempts to put them into words with a rhyme scheme and an appropriate meter that he struggles. ash has become a master at packaging his emotions into a pretty song with structure and a story, but this time, it’s evading him. the feeling is emptiness, but it’s also missing something he doesn’t really want back. it’s wanting something he can’t have now and wanting to tear himself apart for wanting it. it’s looking down the dark path to his future and seeing only less and less light as it stretches out in front of him. it’s fear of the inevitable pitch black darkness at the very end of the path and how quickly it’s approaching.
iii.
it’s after his second therapy session with his new therapist that something occurs to ash that stays with him beyond the time he’d paid for.
it’s not something he brings up during the session itself, or says out loud to anyone. ash doesn’t talk about his romantic life in detail with any therapist he’s ever had, even though he’s well-aware refusing to bring it up is ignoring a festering wound that needs attention if it’s ever going to heal. he’s heard too many horror stories about professionals that were supposed to know better discovering the money for the gossip being better than adherence to the oath of confidentiality they’d made for him to find comfort in disclosing the intricacies of his private life.
there’s a part of him he’s still holding back, but he only finds comfort in not opening up completely even to the person he’s paying to allow him to do just that without too much outward judgment.
opening himself fully or not, the lyrics to the song come easier to him after that. putting what he’s feeling into words is no easy task, but he’s made progress on it already. possibilities don’t come flooding out like a broken dam, but they do trickle down through his brain steadily enough for him not to lose hope. the slow drops only come when he pries them out, but they come nonetheless.
iv.
the mood of the song evolves in a way ash hadn’t anticipated at first. it becomes sadder in tone, more wistful. that had been a given from the moment the lyrics began to flesh out, but playing around in cubase ends with him deciding the song works its best as a simple piano composition, stripped bare like his emotions.
the piano remains prominent even as he adds more percussion and the main instrumental piano track gets jazzed up more than the initial draft recording had been. in a world where his music reflects solely his gut instinct, the song would be even more bare bones than it becomes. he imagines he would have taken a direction similar to “the unknown guest” on his last album, purposefully under-produced and made to sound like something that isn’t radio friendly, but it’s still simple enough to sound stripped-down to an untrained ear. the more he works on the song, the more he understands he does want it to be played on the radio. then, maybe, he’ll be able to tell himself the right person had heard it and convince himself of the closure he needs.
there’s a feeling in his chest as he listens to the final draft version, with layers of his vocals put down and a thoroughness that only comes with a song that has found its final form, that feels a little like he’s at the top of a mountain. he can’t put a name to it other than thinness of air. it’s not disappointment or regret, and as much as he decides he does really like how it turned out, it isn’t pride either.
the song is different than he would have thought it would be when he began it — after all, at some point visions of his ex-boyfriend had begun to mix with visions of the current flame he held — but different in a way that he hopes does service to the song instead of taking away from it.
at first, it’d been about his past relationship, a love that had been suffocated by his own choice.
now?
in a way, the song is about that relationship, but, in ways, it’s about the one that had come before that. and the one before that. and then, at the end, it becomes about the next one. the one he’s not supposed to have, but the one he’s confessed to yearning for in secret in the lyrics.
i want to fall in love.
unlike so many other songs he’s written, he’s not really begging for love to return to him or cursing himself for wanting such a thing. it’s about something else.
then it hits him: it’s not any of his relationships, long passed or current or future, that he’s holding on to. it’s a lament pried out of him by the lover he’s taken up in the time since, one entirely separate, but also entirely connected that creeps in the corner of every room he enters: loneliness.
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