my suicidality hits me difficult than other people. its not the, “people are better off without me” “nobody will care” or “im unloved”

because i know it will devastate everybody around me. i know they love me. i know it will kill them and destroy them leaving wreckage in my path.

its just that its not enough. there is only so much these people can do. im fucked up and i cant fix it and nobody can save me.

my desperation to not be alive, to not hate myself, to not feel like im a dead person walking outweighs everybody around me

I wasted more than 6 years of my 20s with someone who held me back cut me down and told me to kill myself I wish I never met them

Most days I don't feel real

i know its not impossible to live a normal, happy life as a person with mental issues, but sometimes it seems like such a foreign idea. i dont think i can ever be loved because there is js something wrong with me n im not pretty or thin. i understand why i barely have friends, i understand why no one would ever like me romantically. i think my friends barely tolerate me. i js wish is could be better and perfect, or as close to perfect. i dont want to feel fucked up. sure, i know nothing i do as a teenager really matters (at least when it comes to the relationships n friendships i have) in the grand scheme of things, and that everything is temporary. in a few years, i wont remember all of these thoughts i had right now, in this exact moment, but im still feeling the emotions, and it affects me greatly, no matter how much i try to say it doesnt matter, its a temporary. but thats whats terrifying; its all temporary. i wont be remembered. i will probably just be the kid who was quiet and barely had friends in many ppl's memory. i have done nothing to make sure i leave a mark on this world. i dont think i have even left a lasting impression on someone. i just want to know that i will be remembered and loved. maybe i just have to wait until i do something noteworthy, maybe then i could be loved, but honestly, i dont know. i js feel like i will be alone forever. i wont have friends or a family or anyone. i feel like im so difficult to love and/or befriend. i just wish i was better. i wish i was like my best friend. she is perfect, so many ppl love her, and reasonably so. shes beautiful n fun n a great person all around. i wish i could be like that. i hate myself so much. i miss being a stupid child who didnt know anything and thought i was gonna live a happily-ever-after, disney princess story. im sure kid me would be disappointed in current me. not last year me tho, last year me would be proud. but me from 10 yrs old n before, yea, she would be disappointed. i was supposed to be better than this. what happened? i was supposed to be a happy teenage kid. i wasnt supposed to be this. im sorry. im so sorry. i wish i could fix myself. i wish i could become what i truly wanted to be. i dont want to be like this. i swear i can be the good little kid again, i want to be her, please. i dont want to be me. please, i js want to be okay again. i wish i had go thru with my suicide plan last year, or the year prior to that. i didnt mean to live this long. i dont want to live any longer. i need to rest.

Suicidal because I need to fix my seatbelt or buy a new one but my job doesn't pay enough for this to be a short term issue

Suicidal because I cant function like a normal person and I'm not cut out for a professional life of any capacity

Suicidal because in school I was so smart but now I'm an empty idiot with no thoughts besides how pointless I am

Suicidal because my art and music and lover left me and that's all made me more suicidal

Suicidal because I'm tired and I want to sleep forever and dream of something better where the world makes sense to me

Suicidal because I stopped feeling hope a long time ago

my favorite thing about myself is that eventually everyone is tired of me

Pain demands prepayment

To put you on the pavement

Every word that was sent

Told of improvement

Hard work than ever before

Of forever, I was sure

Bliss went, left on the floor

An effort despite the hate

Change may have tried to late

A heart that escapes no fate

A pain that gives all hate

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~diary thoughts~ #164

I’m pretty sure my loneliness might end me. I don’t have any close friends since everyone has their own person already, and I was happy being alone and doing things by myself. But now that I’m back in school, I genuinely don’t think I will graduate. I’ve already accomplished everything I believed I could actually do, and now I’m just doing my routine. There’s no one rooting for me in my corner besides me, and while I’m enough for me, I wish I was enough for others.

x

the blank ticket in your hand is just waiting to be filled in.

happy birthday vash! (ID in alt text)

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WHO DECIDED TO FUCKING WAKE UP THIS MORNING AND DROP THE HOTTEST PICTURES OF LANDO AND ISCAR IM FIGHTING TO BREATHE OUT HERE YOU GUYS SEND HELP PLZ IM NOT OKAY IM SHORT CIRCUITING

hotwings kissing to cope with the latest mha chapters ah-ah

i think i want to break up with my girlfriend because i don't have the energy or the drive to be the partner she deserves and wants anymore and i miss being alone and having independence and being alone i really miss being alone and having time to myself or a place that is just Mine and isn't shared but i also don't want to break up with her because i do still love her so much and i don't want to break her heart or lose her and we're both already struggling to function financially together and my main option if we break up is to move back in with my mom but. i don't feel like i can do this anymore and i genuinely don't know what to fucking do anymore

the piece i made for the @stillalivezine back in 2021