buaa.........

EW x reader X TF2

Meeting the bois ( chapter 2 )

Y/n was woken up by her iPhone alarm.and a heavy feeling on her chest. “ I dont want to get out of bed~” she thought as she Tried to get her eyes to open. then finally wean a few minutes passed, she opened her eyes, finding out a cat was sleeping on her chest. “ so your ringo~~~” y/n said as she pet the purring cat to wake up with her. And it successfully got Ringo off her, making y/n sit up on her bed. 

~y/ns pov~ 

I went down stars to be  greeted by Edd in the kitchen, holding a pan with an omelet on it.  “ good morning y/n, im making breakfast, so sit down and make your self comfortable!” Edd said wile giving that sweet-innocent—y/n-killing-smile, and of corse!, I blushed. “Um Edd, I actually dont eat breakfast “ I said bluntly , but it was true that I didn’t like eating breakfast, if I ate breakfast then id feel fat, and well as a girl boss id chose my looks more then my health, even if I would die.

“ You sure y/n? “  edd said a little  concerned 

“im sure!”. I said with a smile

 “ so, have you met the others yet? “     

“No, not yet.  I was hoping you could introduce me to them….if your fine by that, that is.”

“Yeah, no problem !” Edd said wile fliping an omelet.

“Well..you told the others that im the new roomie right?”

“Yeah” 

After that small-talk I decided to go back to my room and get dressed.

I changed to a pink hoodie and a brown mini skirt with loose socks, added a few accessorys and finally,  black combat boots.  ”The most important thing I need now is my Glock!” I said cheerfully in a whisper and took a box from my drawer and opend it.  having a gun holster, uzi, mp5, and a bunch of other guns, an emergensee phone to call ms, p   , a teleporter, and a Glock with a silencer screwd onto it. I took my Glock and put it in my hoodie pocket. and then closed and put the box under my bed And then  looked at myself at the full-body-mirror and said “ I usually hate myself but DAMN, I look gooood!”

Wile poseing a bit. Gosh how more weird can I get? Like I hate my self but I look pretty good right now! Witch is grate.

Then I took my note pad, that was in my drawer and wrote down things I need to do today:

Meet the roomies 

Get the contract assassin job 

“Just 3 things to do this defiantly will be EZ!”  I thought as I put the notepad in my hoodie pocket and left my room to go meet everyone at the living room.

I went to the living room to see Edd and and a ginger and a hottie with black eyes, siting on the couch. “ oh hey y/n!, guys this is y/n she’s moving in with us!”

The cola-boy said. And I swear to my amazing taste in music I heard the ginger squeal, I cringed a bit but I shrugged it off. 

(Y/n:uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wut dafuq?!)

  The cola boy pointed to the ginger and said” this is Matt he likes to dress-up and he loves mirrors ” I saw a bit of excitement and happyness in matts eyes as he squeald. and honestly he was precious and adorable, but I might get annoyed cause he seems like the clingy type.

Then he pointed to the hottie with no eyes “ and this is tom!” Edd said, 

Then Edd and went to the kitchen, and Edd put insane zombie pirets from hell 4 on the tv .

“Hi”tom said……O MY GOSH HES NOT ONLY HOT BUT HES GOT A HOT VOICE TOO AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Then matt went to the kitchen,  and my face heated up from the “slut y/n thoughts “ in my head.

“Uhhh y/n? Are you okey you dont look good” said tom concerned  as he got off the sofa and came closer to me to  put the back of his hand on my forehead. 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH “y-yeah, i-im okey tom” I said as my breathing got shaky and weak,

Then he gently pulls my chin up to face him and looked into my eyes. Then putting his mouth next to my ear.

“Ohh~ you like me dont you~” said tom in a smokey and hushed whisper, I then put my hands on his chest, he smiled in till I pushed him away gently. I was still blushing like crazy. And Edd was extremely watching the movie so he saw nothing nor heard anything. 

“Well….im going to go get a new job, so I’ll get ready for it then I’ll leave ”I said as I went to my room.

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~edds pov~

“ She’s nice “ I heard tom say wile chuckling   as y/n left.   “Yeah…she’s amazing…” I said wile watching tv smiling.

Then I felt black voids look at me so I looked at him. "What? Why are you looking at me like that? You look pissed..”

I said a bit confused but a bit knowing at the same time. “Oh nothing,……just,……-nevermind” tom said , that was odd.

But I just shrugged it off, and continued to watch my movie. But I agree y/n is amazing maybe even the best?.

I love her and maybe since we’re roommates now, I can try so ask her out?.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~toms pov~

Edd continued watching the movie. But I kept thinking, Edd likes y/n! But I like her. I know its weird to say something like that especially when we just met, but something about her is just so….-I-idont know. 

She’s got me having a strange desire, the way her hair falls and covers her eye. This might be my lust but she seems fascinating. I might take her out. But I’ll have to hurry before Edd or anyone gets to her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^

~y/ns pov~

I went to my room and went next to my bed and crouched to take the box under my bed.

I took it out and took all my guns from it, when I was in the base my code name was “shooter” and I was able to do trick-shots and shoot with wile holding the guns in both hands. I was amazingly talented!.

I took my gun holster and put it up my thigh, and another under my hoodie and then attached the guns to them and went down to the first floor and left. Nextstep: the park.

~timeskip to the park because im lazy~

I reached to the park I was told to go to, and went under the big old tree and waited for a man named “Paul”.

I wasn’t exactly sure when he was going to come because he said he might not come due to personal reasons. But I didn’t really mind. Three minutes passed and you saw a man walk to you, he had a blue and red uniform and black pants with black combat-boots. A scar on his left eye and a cig in his mouth. he also had big bushy eyebrows, he was hot but intimidating.

He came to me and said”are you y/n?”

“Yeah I am, you must be Paul” I said and smiled wile taking my hand out for him to shake, making him smile and shake my hand.

“Well before we can talk about the job we need to go to the base, and we need to know about your background and reason of the job.” He said seriously.

“Yes, sir”

“Please, just call me Paul darling” he said with a smirk then winking at me. 

“Okey, Paul~” 

IM GONNA GET SOMEEE~~~ jk maybe I wont,…..bUT MAYBE I WILL~!

~another timeskip to y/n getting the job~

“Congratulations y/n, you got the job! Now the only thing I need now is you number” Paul said with a little smile

“Is this for the job or are you asking me out? “ I said with a smirk making Paul blush.

“Well it was for the job but, id love to go out with you “he said with a bigger smile.

“Well then I’ll text you when im free” I said as I left the base to go home.

I was on my way home walking thru the peaceful streets, then I  saw two kids playing tag together in there backyard,

Gosh, I think im getting emotional!, I was a childhood friends with scout and we would plat tag all the time. I wished I could get everyone phone number so I can call them. Especially scouts. I tried not to get too emotional so I swipped my thoughts away and took the notepad from my hoodie pocket and looked what else I had to do.

Nothing ! I finished everything. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I came back home at 7:31 and dinner was already done! So I went to the table and sat and ate with everyone and talked, edd was making puns that was so funny, but everyone else seems to hate it, but it didn’t bother me. Then I went up to my room and got ready to sleep, and wore a big t-shirt with underwear to sleep. 

chapter 1

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an: nice

she wont take me seriously when i told her ive been so exhausted. said "so am i!!" as if i was making a joke. then when i went to explain more i could see exactly when like a switch flipped in her brain and she got pissed and dismissive because she "has work" as if i cant be tired? i told her all she does when she gets off is come home and stay in her room if shes not out with her friend, she had no rebuttal and has been short with me since

im not allowed to be tired im not allowed to feel worse than she is im not allowed to show that im stressed or tired or sad or angry because it would undermine her horrible little existence of having a stable job and friends with similar schedules and a good car and no prescriptions to upkeep and free spending money! no i cant possibly want to purposefully give myself a concussion because that would mean shes not the most pitiful and struggling member of the family

i said im always cleaning the house and doing everything when i get home and she said "you dont have to do that!!" YES I DO BECAUSE YOU WONT EVER DO THEM. she said "well i get off at 5 and you have everything done already so" like no no girlie that doesnt fucking hold up sorry, you never check or ask if theres anything to do and on your days off you do fuck all.

my first meal of the day is usually at 2 or 3 after being at school since 8 am, and i may not have another actual meal later in the day, i keep taking my medication late because the days blur together, i took a shower for the first time in a week today, im getting a ton of headaches intermittently in the weeks again, and plenty of other crap but no yeah ive got no reason to tell my sister that ive been stressed out nope i must be fine. i do everything still with little complaint (sometimes none bc nobody takes me seriously when im in pain anyway so why share) when im on the verge of passing out from a migraine or my stomach is eating itself or i cant move my wrist but she does so much as stub her toe and its the end of the world

Tumblr is becoming a bit of A journal for me of things that i don't want to write down and that's actually why i dont give irl people my tumblr. But like i just got into a relationship recently and it's scary. I've never had one before and i won't explain why. I lost out on a lot of practice and I'm full of paranoia and bpd. And I'm not the first bitch in the world to be like this. I'm afraid that little things are going to vreak my new relationship. And i feel very insecure im myself and insecurely attatched beyond what is reasonable to reassure. I keep sensing something wrong all the time and nor noticing what it is. I may be seeing literally nothing. I think the first thing is how busy he's been. I'm worried about his health. And i feel his business has been making him tense and i dont know how to read or interpret it. He is very reassurring that nothing is wrong. What i mean is he is defimitelt under stress from the extra workload in his life rightnow and reacting normally and I come frpm a history of heavy abuse and toxic social circles. He forgot to feed his cats TWICE. I HAVE NEVER SEEN HIM DO THAT he is so good at taking care of his critters i have never seen him fprget to fill the autofeedwr. Today he just came home showered and crashed i dodnt see him eat. He asked if I took my meds and then passed out. He's also been jumper than normal about my words. I struggle with tone pf voice and i frequently untintentionally spund condescending and passive aghressive but neothr of those are my thing i dont do that i juat have autism. And i give excessive encouragement over little things because I'm disabled and those things can be hard for me. But he's been interpreting more and more as patronizing recently. And usually i apologize and he immediately understands and then forgets because it was no big deal but it's stressing me out i keep thinking I'm the WORST. WORST BF EVER BAD BAD TERRIBLE TRASH. but when I ask if something has been wrong recently he says it's all good. He's also autistic if I if I'm just reaching or if he doesn't notice or if I'm being hypervigilant or what I just know this is a simple fix if i could just understqnd him a little bit more. He's so busy and I have a hard time bringing things up. I understand He's stressed. I understand what is causing it. But the way he expresses is vague to me and hard to interpret. He's a very "need alone time self isolate" type. Gathered from his own words and just wgat I've learned and I'm a very "I need you here don't leave me alone I want your company" type. Like. This is somethinf small that will self correct but mt paranoia about it could blow it up and outside of that i need to understand why he is like this so I know how to react and adjust. Like my best friend. I know when to walk away when to reason when to give encouragement dealing with her is like the beat up vending machine that steals quarters but it has your favorite snacks and you know exactly where to kick it and tge secret button combo. Deali g with my partner is like a used but newer refurbished washing machine and there's not much wrong with it but i can't figure out why it's wiggling is it gonna explode?????? All i know is if a new washing machone starts to wiggle it will gwt worse til the suspension busts or it juat has a funky lil wiggle. But if you figure out the perfect load ratio then the wiggle doesn't get worse. How do I address that he's got a wiggle?

Ryan and Becca

Work was exhausting today and I already know as soon as i get home Savannah, my room mate is going to make me change into something slutty and drag me out to our local lesbian bar. We are regulars there, so we see the same people. every. single. time. and im just not in the mood to get hit on by the same women over and over. As i walk on the front porch I hear No Hands by Waka Flocka blaring throughout our house. Another sign that told me she was ready to go out and act a fool

"RYAN! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!!! WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO GET HOME!" Savannah yells as she is passing me an old fashioned, already made and ready for me. She knows my love language.

"Ugh Sav, I had a dumb day at work and really just want to stay in." Which really means, I want to lay in bed, cuddled up with a book, and smoke a fat one. "Well we have company. So get upstairs, change into a cute fit and then you will be fine and want to go." "You're so annoying" I say as I roll my eyes and head up the stairs

The house is loud with music and chatter but I couldn't make out who they actually were. Savannah loves having people over, so honestly who knows. I close my door behind me, throw my bag down and start pulling things from my drawers. If I had it my way, I would wear sweats tonight. But Sav was too dressed up for that. Her cleavage was showing heavy with a black low vneck body suit on and her dirty blonde hair will loose curls. So I figured I should at least try to fit the vibe

I pull out some black jeans, put on a brown long sleeve body suit with the back cut out. Add some hoops, touch up my makeup and add red lip stick and head downstairs. Everyone was on the patio at this point. I can hear Sav and some others sing along to the rap playlist from 2016. I immediately see our old room mate, June. She moved out around 4 months ago and she now lives a couple hours away. "JUNE!! I didn't know you were coming in town!" I yell as i run up and hug her. "It was a last minute thing! But i brought some new friends with me and thought we could have a night out like old times!" Sav turns around and gives me another old fashioned. Shes planning something tonight.. two drinks? Usually im the one mixing everything up for us to pregame. "See, June came in town to see us and have fun with her friends! We wouldn't want her to leave without a good night out story" Sav says with the biggest puppy dog eyes. "Yeah yeah, but can we try and go to a new spot maybe? And not the same bar as always?" "Of course! But we have to show her friends our spot too." Sav moves out of the way and thats when i see her. A woman sitting in my favorite patio rocker, with black curly hair and green eyes. She's laughing and chatting with someone else I dont know, guessing one of Ju's friends. But my god, this girl is fucking HOT. She turns and we make eye contact as June goes to introduce me to everyone else. Two of our neighbors are here and June brought 3 friends into town with her. our house only has two bedrooms.. so im not sure where everyone is sleeping tonight. but hopefully if i play my cards right, the curly head will be with me.

"Ryan i need you to meet my new friends! this is Alice, Nikki and Becca!" Becca... oh Becca. the hottie with the hair. "Hey guys! its great to meet you all" I say, I can feel myself blushing. "Hey Ryan, im Becca and i have been told this is your favorite patio seat. let me get up so you can have it now!" "Oh thats okay!" I go to say as she gets up. Shes wearing black jeans, an over size cream colored shit, nikes and a gold chain. I am a sucker for a chain. She's standing next to me, and I look down at my drink thats almost empty. That went down quick. "Actually im going to go make another drink first! But please take the seat, I need someone else to agree with me that its the best seat in the house." she let out a laugh that sounded angelic. "I need a drink too, so ill join you." she said. We go in the kitchen, we are alone but the music is loud. I turn around to say something to her and catch her checking out my ass. My eyes go wide and i tilt my head to the side while I look at her. "Wow, I am so sorry." Now, she's blushing and awkwardly laughing. I walk over to the other side of the bar, and she follows. Leaning up against the bar right next to me with her arms folded across her chest. I look at her up and down and return my eye gaze to hers...

i do feel like i had bad luck today because i didnt see her this morning

i expected to see her this morning ... i saw her yesterday morning walking the same route , it surprised me and i ended up looking in an awkward direction as we passed by eachother ( it always seems like we're passing by eachother and never walking the same direction ? ) im wondering if it was because im too early ..... yesterday i was early and i saw her though , so maybe she was the late one . yesterday i had come to the conclusion that i was going to have a good day because i saw her , and i did !! this girl in my first period asked to use some lotion and when i gave her mine she said things like " so this is why you smell so good every day " and " now i get to smell like ___ for the day " it made me really happy ! maybe thats really nothing to other people but i dont really talk to anyone at school so after that interaction i considered the day to be good . but today i didnt see her and ... my water botrle spilled everywhere . not jusf everywhere but a little backstory ; i was running late so i didnt properly check the cap to my water bottle before i out it in my backpack ( 70oz , i walk 50k steps everyday so i drink a lot of water aswell ) and it ended up spilling in first period . it didnt just spill a little bit . my 70oz water bottle went from basically full to only reaching 8oz . it was so embarassing !!! im a very quiet person so everybodys attention was on me !!!!!!!! we had to get a custodian and the girl at my table is so nice she took me to gef the custodian and made lighthearted conversation i think i wouldve freaked out a lot more if she hadnt spoken to me . qfter 1st period i went to the bathroom to cut , but as i thought my blade was too dull , so much bad luck ...... i think ill talk abt my complex towards blades and especially stealing them in another post . anyways i have some eyebrow razors coming in and those are sposed to be one - swipe - to - fat - layer so im excited . well not so much excited moreso curious ?

after the cutting thing didn't work i decided that when i get home i was gonna take a shot of vodka , sake or whiskey . whatever my parents have laying around . ive actually never had alcohol or drugs or vape or anything before , id consider myself somewhat of a sheltered kid honestly . generally i think today j was very overstimulated , i guess it was just too ' different ' from what im used to . but get this !! i saw her both at lunch and in the halls after i was skipping ( an assembly ) !! in fact i saw her twice during the latter because we both turned around and went to opposite way , making us pass by eachother again . i was ' following ' her , not in like a stalker way but i was pacing around already and she was technically going the direction of my classroom so .. but yeah she turned around ? while i was walking to my last class i didnt even see her ?! im hoping i was too early or something , i think the days where i dont see her im just too early because i think ? she comes down the stairs . ive been worrying that she might be avoiding me ..? i came to the conclusion that she doesnt really think about me to the volume i think about her but i do notice that the other day she seemed to be looking at me before i even saw her so maybe shes on alert ? which is horrible for me because yesterday she looked even nicer than usual in her cute sweater and i only got to get a .1 second glance from my peripheral . she often at least gives me a glance when i look at her which makes it kinda hard to get a proper look , im starving .... ive been trying to find her instagram but im unsure if she even has one . when i got home i took a good look at the alcohol cabinet but i decided against drinking anything ( im actually annoyed by how quickly my emotions change because by 3rd period i started feeling better out of nowhere .... which is good but i wanted to take a shot of whiskey )

in total i ended up seeing her about 3 times , record timelapse of about 30 minutes !!!

i went outside and the stars are really beautiful today , too

8/22/23 @2012H

You may be wondering, why am I writing this post a bit early than usual? Well, ts because I wasnt productive as I thought I'll be.

I was able to continue making my flashcard but I'm no where near page 21. I wasnt able to finish it as I was distracted a lot since I worked in our dining area. My room during morning is hot, warmer when I used my electric fan. Plus today, I don't really feel like working, this is perhaps because of my hormones? Cause I'm having PMS since last week but im trying so hard to combat it with exercise. Speaking of which, I was able to run 3km within 25 mins. Hopelly I can turn it down to 20mins tomorrow.

Anyways, here's a pic of setup a while ago 👇👇

I tried putting mango and blueberrily jam in yogurt, and it tasted great! Planning of doing it again but with different fruits.

My plan for tonight is

Finish answering my remaining flashcard

Finish the book im currently reading (subtle art of not giving a fck)

Im planning also to take MTLE in August instead of March cause I really don't think im already prepared. I dont have a strong foundation of our major subjects, and I study at a slow pace. I can't even finish making my flashcard in just a day, so how much more on other subjects? Hngggg Im feeling an internal pressure tbh. A lot of thoughts are circulating in my mind.

Scared of failing in life like not passing the boards, not landing a job right away after passing the boards, not making enough money like my siblings, not being successful like my siblings.

Ending my life due to things mentioned above (but how bout my dogs)

Scared of what other people would say since they know I did well academically. (I know, I know, I should not care about what other people would think but atm I just can't help it.)

Fear of being left out by my batchmates and siblings.

My siblings are pretty much successful in their career, annnd here I am, making this post because I dont know what I'll do with my life, plus im broke.

I honestly don't know what Ill do after the boards.

Fear of not figuring things out and just being a disappointment and burden to my family

I. AM. SCARED

**might take my fear to the grave.

I dont know, i dont know anymore. This blog should be about me and my study journey, but I guess this will just be full of rants like this in life. ): Sorry, I just dont have anyone to share all of these things with. I'd rather have it here.

Hopefully, I'll get myself back on track or once again take things slow and stop being so harsh on myself.

God is with me, He will always be with me throughout my journey here on earth. With God, I shall not feel any fear.

Lord, I entrust my life to you. Let thy Will be done.

Peace out,

Dors._.

You were quiet today and i know its my fault. I should do better. I could and i shouldve. Im so sorry im a shitty girlfriend sayang. I know youre probably upset at me or angry at me and idk how to make this better. Idk what i should do and in really scared that you hate me. Im really scared that youre upset or angry at me. Im so so scared.

I called you a little early tonight, around 9:30 pm. I got home around 8 pm. And around 9 pm, i asked you if you had any plans tonight and if i could call you later. You said sure i can call you, you didnt have any plans tonight and youre probably going to bed later. So i settled my things quickly, and i called you. When you answered my call, you sounded a little off. Your room is dark too not like they usually are. Usually you would turn on a little reading lamp that is just bright enough to softly illuminate your face so that i could see you in the dark. But this time, the lamp is off. I thought you were already asleep when i called you but you were playing a mobile game on your phone. I thought oh okay at least i wasnt interrupting him sleeping. I asked about your day and tried to chat with you but you seem different. Its almost as if you difnt want to talk to me. Your responses to my questions were cold and short. I picked up on that. I didnt press too much, i didnt ask more details from you bcs i dont want you to get annoyed at me. I asked one last time if youre okay and you claimed that you were so i said okay. I let you play your game bcs i didnt want to bother you with more questions bcs you didnt seem like you wanted to talk more. I silently scrolled my phone. I was kinda tired from today and as i was scrolling my phone i passed out and fell asleep. But my ears were kind of aware of the noises i heard from my ipad, the noises you were making. Like my eyes are tired, they wont open but my ears are awake. I heard you sighing a lot but otherwise you were very silent. Too silent. I know something is wrong and i know its my fault and i had something to do with it. At around 10 pm, the facetime call dropped and now, its close to 12 pm now, you still havent called me back. I know you were awake bcs i heard you shortly bfr the call dropped. You couldve called me back sometime after the call dropped but you didnt. Maybe you didnt want to bother me bcs i was sleeping. Maybe you were annoyed at me and wanted sometime alone.

Im not sure if the call actually dropped by itself. I would assume it did. Sometimes facetime is crazy and this is not the first time this has happened in all the the times ive used facetime bfr. But i cant help but think of the worst. My brain is going into overdrive thinking about the worst thing. What if he himself ended the call out of bcs he didnt want to stay on the call? What if im annoying him? What if he hates me and it makes him feel angry to see my face?

I would get it tho. I hate me too. I understand if hes angry at me and im going to give him space. All the space he needs. I just dont want him to hate or be upset with me.

Sayang im so so sorry that im so bad at treating you sayang. And if you didnt want to talk to me or see me tonight, i get it. I understand truly i do. Im just gonna give you space. And if youre angry at me and its my fault im so terribly sorry sayang. Please forgive me sayang its my failt and im so so so sorry. I love you sayang and i would do anything to make it up to you. Youre my everything i cant stand the fact of you hating me. It would destroy me if im the cause of your distress or anguish or rage. I want nothing but happiness for you. And if happiness means me not being around you then thats what i’ll do. I’ll distance myself from you and i’ll give all the space you need okay sayang. I’ll be here if you want me and im so sorry sayang. Im so so so sorry if its my fault sayang which im pretty sure it is. Take all the time you need sayang. Im sorry again. Dont worry about me okay. I just want you to be happy sayang. That is all that matters to me. I love you so so so so much and all i want is happiness for you even if it means sacrificing mine. Youve suffered so much in the past, youve gone through a lot. I dont want to add to your stress and sadness sayang. I want to make you happy and i dont ever want to see you sad bcs of something bad that happen in your life sayang especially not if its because of me. Sayang im truly sorry if i made you sad or angry. Im so so sorry sayang i truly am. Its my fault and im so sorry. I admit im a terrible person. Youre sad now and its all my fault and im so sorry. I hope you can forgive me sayang. If you dont forgive me, i get it. I cant even forgive myself bcs how could i? I am such a shitty person i dont deserve love. I dont deserve anything good bcs i cant even keep you from being upset bcs of me. I made you upset and im so sorry. I know its my fault. I hate myself for doing that to you. Im so so sorry sayang.

Another day, another journal entry

Nothing much to add about yesterday, I fell asleep soon and fast, only woke up to clean my bed and shut the light and pass out. As I wake up, I'm happy to be greeted by nothing and no one and no deadlines. Though I, as always, have tasks to do today and things to obviously get done. I needed to get to those as soon as I could. First things first however, as soon as I woke up and sent out my (early) morning texts, I get a phone call from a friend, and usually I don't mind, but I did just wake up and you are just video calling, but I'm happy to talk, I took a massive dump during the conversation and I feel refreshed, vitalised and I wash, I don't wipe.

I light up a joint left over from last night. I need music, I need conversation in the background, I play Youtube to keep my thoughts and give my writng some companionship.

I have somehow mustered the strength of going for a shower and as I type this, have still much cleaning to do, but half a joint left to smoke to motivate me. It is a sunny day however and I lobe and enjoy days like these for sure.

I truly believe I have lost the ability to physically write down things on paper, and as much as I say so, I still sometimes will pick up a pen and paper to write but Im much more consciousof what I put on paper. If used well, I can really use my typing skills to mybenefit.

Especially and after and becasuse of work too. I still must go ahead, nourish my skin, drinking 3 glasses of water as I speak, proceeding to apply mango and passionfruit lotion and scent to go with it, i shall proceed to dress myselff, brush my teeth, comb my hair out, eat almonds and fix myself some soymilk and oats, along with oat milk and cereal and some good oat and honey bread to go with it, Too much oat, dont you think?

I have myself had two bowls of cereal with chia seeds and two chocolate au pain, or chocolate embedded bread. I'm thinking of more eggs and bread, eventually. I continue watching Youtube videos. I haven't even begun my tasks for the day. I want to roll another joint. And just like that, it is afternoon at high noon, 1pm on 1st April, 2023.

As I write this, it is now close to 8PM, how the time hsa passed even I have no clue. I have smoked too many joints to keep track of, I have eaten a bunch of things incluidng a pizza and two cheese sandwiches. I took a shit twice today which is also a good sign since Im definitely bulking. I plan to make ice in coconut milk tonight and eat it with yoghurt. Tomorrow I intend to cook some pasta and clean out my fridge. I even went online and ordered myself a few things I needed. I wish to save some money now since I have none left but it seems that savings shallhave to wait. I have a few essentials i need to buy first. I watched a movie, a new hindi romantic flick and it was horrible no story no plot, new actors and terrible acting and backdrop. Even te characters appearance did not strike me as too appealing. im now watching Taxi Driver made by Martin Scorscese in 1976. I might make myself a cup of coffee and go downstairs to pick up my newly arrived Stylus pen for my new tablet that shall arrive tomorrow. More on this later.

not doing too well 3/6/23

how wonderful my life is. i get to go through all of this all on my own. i don't think i've ever felt this alone before. yes, i can talk to my friends about my issues but at the end of the day they don't care that much. they can't care enough to fix it. it's whatever, we ball i guess. he walks around and goes about his days. i bet he doesn't even think about me. wow. he just used me for sex. he could have just said that. why lie to me? why manipulate me? i don't think you're a good person anymore. i'm not sure i want to be a woman in business anymore. i'm not sure if i want to be a woman in this world anymore. i don't feel the overwhelming urge to keep living. what is the point? we have no clue tbh. no one knows. i don't feel like there is a point in me being here. then again, if i was meant to kms then one of my 8 suicide attempts would have worked. maybe 9th time is a charm. i am simply so sick of being alive. i do not want to do this any longer and i've been saying this for yearsssss now. just because i'm not ruining my life, im passively going through life day by day, i somehow got into college and am sitting in my macroeconomics course with a 3.3 gpa. i haven't done anything wonderful to continue living, i've just been passing by. i say to myself "lets just get through today and then you can sleep" or "just get through this week and then we can have fun this weekend". whatever. i always find myself becoming a bit nihlistic when i feel suicidal. "it doesn't matter" i chant. because it really doesn't. if someone who doesn't really want to live can get this far then does it really matter. i feel like shit, probably look like shit, and I just want to sleep forever. yet, i have midterms to study for. maybe if i fail my midterms i'll kill myself. oooo. yum. maybe i've jsut been letting life slip past me. i've been staying up really late and waking up mid day. weeks go by so quickly. i wonder who i even am anymore. also i'm sick! coping by kissing frat men is not the way to go. i hope they're not counting on me to be larger than live. live is already large enough to exist in. i hope they don't see me as a person who has it all. the perfect woman. take my spot. take my soul. i am disposable to those who know my all. im shaking. maybe its the coffee? who knows. im a cluster of energy walking through the world. maybe the angel prophecy of cat***** ******** created by someone who once loved me is true. she also left. this is a cruel worldd. the punishment i recieve has to be deserved. if im alive to be beaten down then im ready for the final punch. maybe i can be loved in death. my mom loves me? does that count for something. jesus that woman doesn't even know me. im shaking so much. why did i drink coffee? i wanted to be cool and have energy and be the one ppl envy w my dunkin cup. now my tummy hurts. man. i wonder what my therapist will say today. this is kind of a life or death meeting. maybe she'll give me some words of wisdom that will make me think this life is worth living. its either that or i die. i don't really like passing through life. yk being alive its not too fun. i don't like having to do schoolwork. although i kinda like this class. i should've come to this more often. being up before noon is so odd. its 10 am and im fully awake and i'm living. so many different people exist. i don't think a single one of them can love me. i look so bad today. i dont give sexy like usual, im giving depression. i wonder if when he saw me yesterday he knew i was down. i wonder what to do. how do people go on? these scars of this man might always be on me. that's sad. i feel nauseous. I wish i was a better person. maybe then i wouldn't be so sad. if i was like this girl who is sitting in front of me, with an assignment tracker.someone who goes to all of their classes. she also looks pretty. maybe wasting away my life by sleeping until 3 pm is not the best thing. i hope they're not counting on me. god i really hope they're not counting on me.i can barely do this for myself let alone live up to whatever ideals people have.

Tumblr dot com has it out for me i think. what if i wanted to have a fat blob of text? huh? anyways im currently in my class about close relationships along the lifespan and im talking to my roomie about how we've been in a mutual depressive episode. i miss being loved. i had a dream about her and it felt so nice. to kiss. to cuddle. i wonder if i had love if i'd crave it as much as i do in it's absence. the insane hyper fixation i have on it. i could fall in love with many people. its not like im not desired. is it sad that i wonder what he would do if i died. if the worst is true about this relationship, maybe he'll be like lol damn that crazy got the limited edition wap. im sorry. coping. i think i dragged my roomie into my spiral. sorry girlypop. i don't think this is being taken seriously. like yeah my friends know im suicidal but i don;t think they know how serious i am. taylor pyka i don't have a plan to kill myself don't send me away. i miss the gym. i should go to the gym today. is it too much to ask for a boyfriend? maybe. somehow i got reminded of hoodies and went to look for an old text from him. "are you trying to steal my sweaters miss :)". what happened. where did his love for me go? maybe i was just there to pass the time. there is a guy with a very interesting beanie on. he seems like a good man. who knows maybe he also manipulates women? i should not be mean to this random man. he looked back over. who is this man? whatever he doesn't exist. i don't like how im awake. vomiting vomiting vomiting. thinking about how he pushed my hand away that one time. why does he exist. how does he affect my karmic cycle. i miss texting him. he was such a cutie. now he doesn't exist. you will never find the same person twice, not even in the same person. i wonder if anyone has ever had a crush on me. i can't imagine someone thinking of me in a way like this.

those were my thoughts before i went to therapy slay for 3/6

Penzu entry #3 01-28-23

I hate being lonely. But i also dont want to become dependent of others. It sucks how you cant meet both at the middle, or that its hard. I keep on telling myself that its fine to feel these feelings of loneliness but what hurts me the most is that despite time passing, loneliness hits me with consistency. Ever since i was a kid, loneliness was always evident. It became a childhood best friend. I was never allowed to go outside, or to play games with kids my age. I was forced to play alone, in the solitude of my home, what my parents have built for me. 

Its not that I blame my parents for where I am today, but a pang of anger hits me everytime I see people socializing. Why wasnt I brought up that way, a shining ball of sociable sunshine? Why, as an adult, have a hard time talking with people? It's not that Im the most anti social being on the planet, im just hard to be around with. Hard to talk to, hard to live with. Hard to love.

A lot of the times i wonder why im like this. Why i was diagnosed and why i suffer from this. Come to think of it, im privileged than most people in the country. I have a not so less fortunate family, parents who love me so so much that theyd do everything for me, without hesitation, and a boyfriend who actually cares for me. One who actually loves me despite everything. One who wont back out when things get super rough. Maybe its true what they say, that childhood is the most crucial part of a human's life. With it, they develop their personality (or personalities, when things get traumatic at a young age).

I know my parents tried their hardest to raise me well, but there are just some things not within their reach. Like what happened when I was four. How I was sexually assaulted by another kid. I still dont know how I feel about what happened as I know that it mustve been passed on from generation. Now that I think of it, Its not usual for a preteen to be acting that kind of way around a toddler, unless its been taught. Its crazy, and incredibly scary. What if i raise a child who has the same circumstance as me? I would have to be super careful with who theyre talking with, who theyre around with and who they have connections with.

I pray to god (despite my agnostic tendencies) that that wont happen to my kid. To the one who i will birth, i love u to pieces. I will treasure u forever. This is why i understand how i wouldnt want to kill myself cuz my parents still exist. I know that is not what they want for me, same thing as i dont want that for my child. Or at least, soon-to-be.

----- 

With that aside, im happy today cuz i was able to play valorant. How sweet of the world to not give me a rank down (lmao). And despite me trashtalking other people (which is not something to be grateful for) and yet losing afterwards, i am still happy. Or at least, happy at that moment. 

Thank you, universe, for giving me this day to be alive.

And for that i say,

Bye world.

September 12 - 2022

10:15 AM

I have a lot to do today and I’m trying but I can’t get comfortable. I can’t find peace right now. Im having a very hard time. 

11:06 AM

Why dont I feel okay. Everything is fine. Why cant I just accept that. Instead I'm cuddled up in bed avoiding my responsibilities. Please let me feel better.

12:16 PM

I just want to give up. Every day is wake up> try to complete my meager work> stress about tomorrow’s work. Whats the point. Ill try to get it done so I can at least feel a little better about laying in bed all day. 

I used to have fun doing streams. I used to look forward to VR time every evening. I used to enjoy eating. Now Im just fucked up in every field. Im a shell of who I used to be. Im totally broken.

12:40 PM

I know I’m just having a bad couple days. It happens. I was optimistic for awhile and now I’m depressed. It’ll pass and I’ll keep making progress on myself. I just gotta stick to doing what I know is best for me, even if it’s hard. Things will always get better. Things just get so overwhelming and sometimes I feel so alone through all of it. I’ve never thought of myself as a strong person. Sometimes I don’t feel like I can make it. 

I’ve been feeling like wanting to cry for days and I finally am, I guess I just needed to get it out. 

5:31 PM

Im trying to do 1 exercise for each pivot daily. For defusion I’ve been doing the first one which is telling myself I can’t do something while actively doing it. It does making me briefly aware of how my thoughts and actions can be separate from each other. Now I’m going to do the “I am” exercise again since it’s the 1st one listed for this pivot.

I am smart. I am thoughtful. I am weak.

I am smarter than a lot of people I meet on VRchat.  I am more thoughtful than many on the internet in general.  I am weaker than most everyone.

I am smart, or not. I am thoughtful, or not. I am weak, or not. 

If I consider myself as either being these things, or not, it opens up possibilities. If I erase the statements completely and ask “am I still me?”, I immediately assume “no.” How can I be me without the qualities I’ve come to define myself with. But the thing is, that “no” thought was automatic. The real me noticed it. The real me is a deeper sense of myself buried underneath the mountain of books that are my ‘stories’ and ‘traits’. 

I think of myself as smart. I think of myself as thoughtful I feel weak. When I’m faced with a unique problem, and I figure it out before my friends, I think of myself as smart. 

When I don’t feel good, but I know a friend needs me so I help them out, I think of myself as thoughtful.

When I have very little work to do, but I still can’t bring myself to do it, I feel weak.

When I take on a problem that I think is simple, but I struggle to get anywhere, I don’t think of myself as smart. 

When someone needs me, but I don’t feel like helping at the moment, I don’t think of myself as thoughtful. 

When something really needs to get done, and I do it no matter how I feel, I do not feel weak.

I think I’m going to hop on VRchat for a little to try the acceptance exercise which utilizes your environment. 

12:23 AM

Most of my troubles stem from sever overthinking. I pretend I can make heads or tails of a given situation but I simply can’t. No one can to the degree I’m trying to do. It’s a nasty habit I could try to minimize. The reality is, everything is so dynamic, complicated, and unmeasurable that it would be impossible to write rules that dictate a certain situation reliably. The only thing I CAN rely on are simpler, broader rules like most people do. Most things work themselves out anyways, I think sometimes we pretend we have more power than we really do. The best I can do is live in the moment and operate as dynamic as life is. 

Daily Recap 

This morning was really bad, I remember being extremely down on myself. I was sad about where I am mentally currently. Mostly because the past couple days have been more anxious than usual, for no particular reason. It might have just been a couple of bad days, they tend to happen. Things picked up as the day went on. I didn’t draw as much as I’d wanted, I did half of the day’s work but I was a full day ahead so I could afford it. I did my exercise despite believing I wasn’t going to be capable of it. I also did a lot of cleaning and did my daily mental exercises. So I was mostly as productive as I wanted to be. This evening I had a great time with my friends and then had a relaxing night. I ate a lot which is good since I’m trying to gain weight. I can say it was a pretty good day despite how I felt this morning. I definitely hit a sort of breaking point and reset myself. 

at the airport thinking about trans shit. honestly this whole trip my mind has been on it. i like the way my body looks in my clothes today. i usually feel especially dysphoric when im on my period but today’s outfit is really helping with that. im watching all the people, women and men, pass me by. im studying especially the men: their hair, their stature, their attitude, their eyes. i dont want to be a man.

contemplating getting on t is really guiding me to dive deeper into their world though. i wonder if they feel good in their bodies. bouncer at a club last night was telling everybody his soul was empty. men rule the world but who actually appreciates them? who wants to be around them beyond the privilege that they offer? do men feel beautiful? will i feel beautiful when i look like them?

as a woman, beauty has been prison but ive grown to be accustomed to reveling in Venusian compliments. do men even care about being beautiful? i saw a tiktok by a transmasc person who was urging everybody to remember that femininity isnt the only thing worthy of appreciation. masculinity is kinda shitted on when i really think about it.

i have a problem with viewing myself through the lens of other people constantly. i think about how horrified my mother would be if i ever transitioned. id probably be a monster to my grandma. i dont want to be treated like im a disgusting disgrace. this fear really fuels the internalized transphobia i have within. i judge the fuck out of myself. i scare myself. i would feel so alive on t and im willing to give that up because of ___? im so concerned with the opinions of people who i dont feel loved by as a cis person. me being trans isnt going to change that. they’ll always choose fear over me. its very tempting to follow in their footsteps and completely abandon myself. its what im use to.

everyone in orlando thinks im a guy haha. we went to a gay club last night and this guy walked up to james and asked if i was his boyfriend. 😏 that’s definitely a first. i was even catching ass from a boy. i really dont know if he knew i didnt have a dick. it was cool though. for a moment it was 3 masc people just all dancing together, switching roles and everything. it was very free and fun. im not sure if i like boys. last night kinda put a stamp on the answer being no but ummm im still very much into gay porn so who knows. cis guys fucking trans men is what really gets meee 😍 idk. haha

.

you were loved the most of all.

Ushijima Wakatoshi x reader | break-up angst

summary: You should've known that when Ushijima Wakatoshi found it easy to fall in love with you, it might be even easier for him to fall out of it. But who expects the worst when it comes to loving someone as seemingly perfect as him, anyway?

Chapter 1 of 2

Chapter 2 of 2

He said it was easy to fall in love with you. He said he didn’t know when exactly, at which place, nor for what reason. Simply one day, Ushijima Wakatoshi found himself looking at you with the epiphany that maybe there’s something more meant to happen between you and him. There you stood before him that day, the person he could promise love to. (And there he stood before you that moment, the boy whose promises you found yourself believing in no matter what.)

So maybe that’s why it was even easier for him to fall out of love. When he told you he was no longer in love with you, it didn’t matter to you to ask when exactly, at which place, or for what reason. Even the universe itself is meant to fizzle out one day along with the death of the stars. Just one more person drifting away from you like a lone planet with no real orbit shouldn’t leave you broken. You are used to this. You won’t fall apart.

But you break anyway.

It was snowing outside when he decided to tell you to end things now before it hurts both of you even further. Not that the snow has anything to do with the coldness creeping up your chest threatening to spill out of you in endless sobs. You were glad, though. That at the very least, he remained honest with his feelings. He never left you guessing. Every time, he never forgets to tell you what’s on his mind. His honesty is something he thought was necessary.

“I understand, don’t worry. Thank you for telling me right away. I know you’re also considering me–” you tell him and choke up. There are tears running down your face but you’re not worried about that. Wakatoshi never let you mask your emotions around him. For the longest time, he reminded you to feel free to be completely bare with him. All the good and the bad, he said. Don’t be afraid to show them to me. I will always understand.

He steps closer and puts you between his arms. You feel his chin on top of your head as you lean your face into his chest. You’re sobbing now. “I’ll be fine, Toshi. We’ll be fine.”

He kisses the top of your head and lets you stay in his arms for minutes. “I loved you then, and I love you still. It’s just that they’re no longer the same kind. I will stay if you ask me to, okay? Anything you want.”

This only makes you cry harder. He’s always been too good. And even in breaking your heart, he’s too good. You want him to hold on. You want to ask him to stay with you for years and years. Even with a different kind of love, you’ll let him be as long he’s close by. But someone like him who has dreams beyond yourself shouldn’t ever be with someone like you who still lacks certainty toward anything.

“Just for tonight,” you ask, still crying. “Can I stay?”

“of course,” he replies. Anytime you want. Anything you want. It has always been this way.

Because humans are creatures of routines and familiarity, you spend that night the way you usually do when you’re at his place. You cook dinner with him and eat on the dining table, sharing stories and laughter. You keep adding food to his plate and he smiles as you giggle at everything you find funny.

It’s okay, it’s okay. You’ll be okay. You’ll be fine.

You clean the kitchen and stay in the living room. He leans on the couch as you lay down with your head on his lap. You keep talking and laughing. He goes along, sometimes adding things to make you laugh even more, sometimes simply agreeing, sometimes asking questions. You keep it loud and light, afraid of the silence. Inside you, it’s so heavy, your heart might just fall off. This will be the last, you tell yourself. You want to be happy for now. While he’s still here.

"Do me a favor, okay?" You tell him as you're nearing slumber. "Let me leave first tomorrow. Maybe stay in bed, maybe pretend you're asleep. But tomorrow, don't get out of the room until I've left the house." Your voice shakes, feeling yourself wanting to sob.

"I don't want to wake up to another empty bed but I don't want to see your face when I wake up too," you curl into him even further. "I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry I still don't really know what to do. And I know you wake up pretty early and you know, do stuff, but just for tomorrow, please?"

Wakatoshi didn't really understand why. He originally planned on cooking breakfast for you and taking you to the train station. He would watch you board the train and he'd make sure to smile at you as he waves. You always waved back. That's how it works. Even after fights, and even after especially bad nights, you'd still do the same. Watching you leave with a smile was how you both knew you'd still be fine the days after. That nothing much can affect your relationship. For years, this has been the routine.

But tomorrow, he knows he has to give way. He knows what he said hurt you. It would be wrong of him to do what he wants simply because he's used to.

Tomorrow's the last, he realises. And then if you want, he'd never see you again.

--

You wake up pretty early. The sky is a calm shade of blue, the world outside still waking up. You check the time on your phone and find it's 6 AM. Last night, you slept with your back on him. The sight before you is the other end of his bedroom and you notice just how much of yourself you've managed to leave around his place. Pieces of just one other person in his life, scattered in places around his world pretending that’s just where they belong. You didn't mind leaving things behind back then. You never really thought of the day that you might’ve to take back all of them. Just how does one pick up parts of themselves when they thought they’ve finally found a place for them to stay?

But as you stand up, you conclude that when things end, traces shouldn’t be left behind. He didn’t decide to break up only to be reminded of you even after you’re no longer close to him. So you go and pick every little thing that's yours. Even your jacket and sweaters and a few pairs pyjamas in his closet. You'll just take his things from your place too and hand it to Tendou's shop. Coming back here won’t do you any good. Him coming to your place instead wouldn’t either.

Collecting all your things, even the ones you can't use anymore, you leave the bedroom and enter the living room. You don't have many belongings here aside from some DVDs and books. You only take the books and leave the rest for him. You've always preferred reading anyway.

Setting your bag and things aside on the sofa, you go ahead and wash yourself in the bathroom and bring your toothbrush and some other products with you when you're done. You then head to the kitchen to cook him something light to eat for breakfast . You knew you didn't have to. He knows how to cook. It has always been him cooking breakfast for you. When you could, you’d rather stay in bed until the very moment you must start preparing to go to uni or work. But you did anyway. He's probably in his bed, awake. He has never been a heavy sleeper. With all the moving you did around his room, he was bound to wake up if he wasn't already.

You make him a simple omelette and write a small message on top of it with ketchup. "Good luck with practice today!"

You've already cleaned everything you used, preferring to wash and set utensils as soon as you're done with them. That way, when you're sitting down to eat, there won't be any cluster around to distract you.

You put the ketchup down and decide that should be enough. You'll stop here. You should go now.

Ushijima is sitting on his bed. He's been awake since 5 AM when he usually goes on his run. It isn't the first time he chose to stay with you instead of going out, but he can't help but feel heavy this time. He stayed in for you. But as the minutes pass by, it seems that he simply cannot find the courage to sit up and face you.

He wants to sink into his bed.

There's knock on the door followed by sentences uttered softly. "Toshi, I'm going now. There's breakfast on the table. Make sure to eat before you go."

There goes the heavy feeling again. Maybe if this keeps up, he might just actually sink and never get back up.

You've done that a few times. Leaving while he's still in the room. You don't even open the door. You simply knock and tell him you're about to go, always reminding him to eat before he goes too.

But this will be the last, he thinks. If you leave now, will he never see you again?

a/n

chapter 2 will be up soon not rly sure when tho. (it's up now the link is at the top)

also, im not entirely sure but i think i didnt use any pronouns or gendered nouns for this except "girl" in the 1st paragraph which i erased just now? if i'm right, then i hope everyone reading this get to feel as though theyre rly the person in the story. unless ofc u dont want that bc this isnt the happiest ushitoshi x reader fic u can find🥲. but thanks for reading!!!! m so sorry for typos nd other errors as well. i kinda cant read my own writings bc sometimes doing so makes me wanna smack myself in the head and never write again nd i hate that so now im leaving my mistakes to the gods nd hope they love me enough or smth. but yes thank u sm again for reading!!!!