i guess i'd ' like ' to think it's stupid but larping this cutesy mina no idoru persona online helps me cope , in a way it helps me find balance . i think i rely on it as a constant . i have horrible identity issues but on that account i can construct a personality , form a practically different person that is wholly separate from ' myself ' and live through it . its nice . i haven't been breaking down as often ( since sunday )

its a powerful distraction

my hands are shaking , and i feel almost too weak to type . i feel that sort of sickness in my flesh that tells me im going to die , the whole of the world is dangerous . i have this primal feeling inside of me that someone will kill me , but i think its more complex than that . my fear ranges from being ignored and shunned to being raped and assaulted , and none of it is based off of anythinf but existing itrational anxiety of other people , and it compounds into a mental smell of death because all of those feel like ' death ' . or rather somethinf that will ultimately result in death . i am afraid of people . i am violently afraid of other people . im afraid of people because of the impact they have on me , because of how easy it is for them to destroy me . i want to die before somebody can ' kill ' me . i keep recounting it all over and over with my mind glazed over . im not shocked , j was never shocked , all that came from it was a sick and rotting " of course " from my brain

i want to kill him , i want to kill him , i want to kill him , i want to kill him , i want to jill him , i want to kill him , i wanng to kill him , i want to kill him , i wabt to kill him , i want to kill him , i want to punish him for making me feel even more mentally weak , i want to kill him for making me realize how pathetic i am , i want to kill him for making me realize how lonely and friendless i am , i want to kill him for making me feel like a whore again , i want to kill him for making me feel like my existence is unacceptably sexual , i want to kill him adn all the other men who have stalked , harassed , and touched me . i want to kill them . i dont hate men , i find them subhuman . lower than pigs and the filtth they feed on . i think their entire existence is an error , some sort of oversight because there's no way a reasonable god could let such evil feral hogs roam this earth . there has probablt been a larger numver of men that have violated me with their larynx , minds , hands than my actual age . i want to die . im goin g to get again , its unavoidable . incredibly impossibly unavoidable . i want to kill myself . there is no light in the world and god is unforgiveable

i doubt anyone looks at this account so ill just say it here , i dont know how to tell anybody

a guy has been SA'ing me on the bus . every time i feel so disgustingly weak , i want to kill him . he doesn't stop even when i press myself up against the window . i think he gets off on humiliating me . this time he knew what my stop was , got up and i could almost see the idea forming in his head because he sat back down and forced me to get over him . he put his legs out in a way that i couldn't just power through the space in front of the seat i had to practically sit in his lap trying to get in the aisle , i want to die

dont know what to think , dont know what to feel , dont know what to expect . living just feels like living through different notes of suffering , the only time i know peace is when i tune it all out . its sick . its a pulsating , persistent itching within a depth of my flesh i can never reach with a blade . constantly riddled with this sick sense of urgency . always itching , throbbing and thrashing and stabbing inside of me . its sick like rotted flesh . its sick like decaying meat . its sick like festering maggots . its sick like the smell of death . i can barely handle it day by day , its like holding in the same sewage of vomit in your throat for weeks on end until it molds over . and its all due to existence , just living diseases me in unspeakable ways , even in these objectively quiet days it makes my mind sludgingly ill

it doesn't really matter what i say or do , i cant wholly describe how painful it is to exist . its unbearable , it feels like every single thing that happens to me somehow shatters me even more until i'm unrecognizable . being like this is debilitating - there really isn't any more accurate way to describe it . nothing i do can express how i feel , not self harm because my feelings go deeper than bone . not with words because even if i had the most broad vocabulary on the planet there isn't a single combination of words existent that could ever describe this * thing * . i cant feasibly understand how im supposed to have a single shred of hope for myself when every day is pure unbroken suffering , and that it is more likely for me to eventually attempt suicide rather than not statistically

ive been ' depressed ' for as long as i remember , although that's not saying much because i have a really shit memory . ive always been wholly unable to enjoy things , demotivated , feeling like there's no meaning in anything until i met her , and that's the problem . i was used to the nothingness . i didnt know that there was a world that existed beyond this shell . i didnt know that there was a version of me that could find meaning and happiness in the simplest of things , like just seeing the sun set and rise or seeing a person walking their dogs . when she left ( well , i did ) all of that was taken from me and it put me back into that depressed state , the issue is that this time i constantly feel a sense of restlessness because i KNOW that there is more out there for me . i am aware now that there is a way for me to feel happiness and that depresses me even more

i cant take it , i cant take it , j cant take it , i csnt take it , i cant take it , i cant take it , i csng take it , i cant take it i cant tske it i csnt tske it

i xant take it i xant

take it i cant

take it u cant twke this anymore

i dont have the motivation to do anything

i cant do anything

i think this might be exactly it

this is what im goinf throufh ?

i sont know . im suffering , but i feel like im faking it all at the same time . its never been this bad since emma left , so that probably caused it . i dont know . sometimes i feel like despite being violently sad and empty i dont deserve to put a name or classification to it

im sorry

i feel like im incapable of being loved

got a new blade and went deeper than i ever did before but i still feel invalid , i feel like its never deep enough

i miss getting sexual attention . i miss having an adult tell me that they want to be inside of me , i wish i had a friend irl that i could have casual sex with . i want to have sex

i wish i could kiss you and hold you tight

not just in a romantic way , but out of a need to be as close as possible to you . i want to be so close our bodies intertwine and melt into eachother until we can't differentiate what's you and what's me . i want to feel your heartbeat as if it was my own , i want to feel the warmth of your feelings and thoughts inside of my head . i search for fragments of you everywhere . its difficult . we could never really understand eachother . i never came to fully understand myself either , but you gently took my hand and helped me realize a lot of things . do you think about me ? i think about you a lot . i wonder if your memories of me are tender and sweet like cream pastries

i have a lot of love in my heart , i want to share it with someone special . when i get older i want to get married and have a baby . its the only thing in my life i can see clearly as something i so desperately want , everything else is so blurry and confusing . but both in mind and body i've been irreparably torn apart , i'm undesirable . its beyond difficult to deal with a wife with bpd and other disorders . its difficult to deal with a wife who was raped as a child . i will never be fully emotionally present like a normal girl , and i cant even be sexually or physically present to make up for it . i just want to be loved but i am incapable of handling it . i feel like a living nuisance , i need to hurry up and die so i can get out of the way , but something inside of me makes me believe that someone will love me . i guess that thought is a but selfish for someone like me , though

so sluggish and tired all the time

i can barely do anything in class, my arms feel so heavy and i can barely pick up a pen . i really want it to be summer already . with high res i can be bmi 16 by the end of may and then spend my summer skinny , ill use the rest of my school dqys as a sophomore fully dedicated to losing weight

so indescribably painful to see suicide attempts in fiction where the person is ' saved ' by someone else right before they've gone too far . i will never have someone like that , i dont even have anyone who would care if i killed myself . everyone hurts me on purpose , lying about me , making fun of me behind my back , bullying me , excluding me , encouraging me to fatally cut myself and masking it as a joke , im the loneliest girl in the world . every time i try to make friends it blows up in my face . feels like there' ient much point to living if i'm unmarrieablr . nobody wants a wife with bpd and 50 other mental disorders who got raped , is practically unfuckable , too usekess to actually cook or clean properly . im bad at cooking even if i try