#i dont even know if what im saying is coherent anymore but you get my drift
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the progression from "there's a morning snack and a midday snack" and "20 bucks for pizza" buck looking after his friend's kid to "bobby's famous lasagne: 6 types of cheese cooked to perfection" buck cooking for his family to "that's makes me your sous chef" teaching his kid how to cook is making me go so feral.
#going from two separate things - like how normal friends who aren't co-parenting would organised it - to the most domestic thing ever#to being the good responsible parent and making sure he eats real food before cookies#AND and the motifs that've been established: teaching to cook as father/son bonding and cooking food as a demonstration of love#im UNWELLLLL#buckley diaz family#911 abc#right from the pilot buck has had an intense care for children (but was also immature himself)#and we've seen him grow into a person who is literally becoming a father. (alongside his increasing ability to cook - which he is learning#from his own father figure)#children - specifically caring for children and being a father - has been tied to very important parts of buck's character development#thoughout the seasons#that man wants nothing more than to be a father AND HE IS ONE.#i dont even know if what im saying is coherent anymore but you get my drift#season 6 911#lynnsaysstuff
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argument
its a big one
TG: alright this is probably a bust
TG: more i think about it how the fuck do you even make a marinara
TG: can i even alchemise cheese or do i gotta like alchemise the milk and curdle it myself
TG: how do you even curdle
====================
TG: make a goddamn
TG: curgler
TG: whatever
TG: internet archive gonna pull through
====================
CG: ALRIGHT DAVE
TG: shit
====================
CG: YOU BETTER BACK THE FUCK OFF. I DON'T KNOW WHERE IN BULGEMUNCHING VIRULENT FUCK YOU GET THE IDEA YOU HAVE ANY RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD THINK ABOUT MY OWN GODDAMN PLANET. SORRY TO HAVE TO DEAL A BLOW TO YOUR IMPOSSIBLY INFLATED FUCKING EGO, BUT HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT YOUR SIDE-EYE SLACKJAW HOPELESS DEADPAN BULLSHIT BEHAVIOUR IS ACTUALLY INCREDIBLY FUCKING CONTEMPTIBLE AND DOESN'T PUT YOU ABOVE OTHER PEOPLE? HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THAT?
CG: OR DID YOU JUST ASSUME FROM THE MOMENT YOU FOUND OUT I'M A REVOLTING FUCKING MUTANT LOWBLOOD FREAK THAT I'M SUDDENLY NOT ALLOWED TO LIKE THE IDEA OF MY LIFE MEANING SOMETHING AT SOME POINT?
TG: okay you are wildly misquoting me where the fuck did that come from
TG: also you scared the hell out of me
TG: im just trying to science some pizza here
====================
CG: OKAY THEN, DAVE! EXPLAIN TO ME AS WELL AS YOUR AMBLING ONE-NOTE SMOOTH EXCUSE FOR A 'THOUGHT'SPONGE CAN
CG: IN SOMEWHAT COHERENT TERMS, ALTHOUGH I KNOW THAT'S A TALL ORDER:
CG: HOW YOU SAYING MY ADOLESCENT DREAMS OF BECOMING A THRESHECUTIONER ARE "FUCKED UP AND IRONIC IN A NASTY ASS WAY" DOESN'T QUALIFY AS UNDERHANDEDLY KICKING ME IN THE MANDIBLE PRONGS!
CG: YOUR AUDIENCE AWAITS YOU WITH BATED BREATH! TAKE IT AWAY, M.C. BRAIN HEMORRHAGE.
====================
TG: okay i dont
TG: know how you got a hold of that phrasing because i said that shit in confidence
TG: get out of my business bro
CG: NEWSFLASH, ASSHOLE: THIS METEOR IS A PHYSICAL, LITERAL LOCATION WE'RE BOTH IN. IT'S NOT A FUCKING PRIVATE CHATROOM. THIS MIGHT BLOW YOUR PITIFUL MIND BUT PEOPLE CAN ACTUALLY HEAR OTHER PEOPLE TALK WHEN THEY HAVE TO SHARE A SPACE! BRO!
TG: ugh
====================
CG: AND IT'S VERY INTERESTING YOU ACCUSE ME OF MISQUOTING YOU, AND THEN SUDDENLY TURN AND SPOUT FROM THAT SHITTY DRONING GROANSHAFT OF YOURS THAT I'M INVADING YOUR PRIVACY WHEN I DIRECTLY QUOTE YOUR SMARMY LITTLE SHAMEGLOBES!
CG: WOW! TURNS OUT KARKAT IS ACTUALLY BEING GENUINELY FUCKING UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING — WHO KNEW, RIGHT? WHO WOULD'VE GUESSED THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE GENUINE COMPLAINTS TO LEVEL AGAINST THE PEOPLE WHO GO SPOUTING HOOFBEASTSHIT ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK TO THEIR ECTOSIBLINGS?
TG: no dude can you shut up a second
CG: I MOST CERTAINLY FUCKING WILL, THANKS FOR THE OFFER! I'M NEVER TELLING YOU A GODDAMN THING AGAIN, SO I HOPE YOU MANAGE TO GAIN SOME WRINKLES TO THAT VESTIGIAL FLAWLESS ORB FLOATING AROUND IN YOUR CAVERNOUS NUGBONE FROM ALL THIS. I HOPE IT WAS WORTH ALL THE EFFORT ON YOUR END.
TG: listen!!!!
====================
CG: MHM! MY AURICULAR CHAMBERS ARE WIDE OPEN!
TG: jegus
TG: okay
TG: i have no defense for my literal phrasing but how expeditiously did you shadowstep the fuck away after i said that
TG: because that is some shrek tier "princess and ugly dont go together" level misrepresentation of my sweet self
TG: like if this wasnt obviously a heated platonic argument we were having i would probably be digging what the reference even if it was a shitty trope
====================
TG: i just
TG: have been thinking about some things and none of those things have got an iota of a thing to do with you or your blood
TG: thing
TG: man
TG: i dont know why you think id be so pressed about your vein juice its like
TG: a normal ass color for a normal ass guy
TG: and obviously it was a major fucking deal from how you talk about it but it doesnt need to be anymore
====================
TG: the thing is i just dont like have the same attitude as you about fighting and stuff and thats not something i am getting into right now but i am gonna make it expressly clear
TG: that its just kind of fucked up for me to sit my ass down and listen to someone spew gold and medals and confetti colored shit going googoo all over tall and loathsome ass bloodletters he never knew
TG: and have him tell me he wants to be the best guy at combat since samurai fuckin jack
TG: and thats my capital B business believe me the emphasis is there
====================
CG: SO IS THIS ABOUT ME WANTING TO BE PART OF SOMETHING YOU DON'T AGREE WITH? BECAUSE THRESHECUTIONERS DON'T EVEN FUCKING EXIST ANYMORE. I LITERALLY COULD NOT DO THIS IF I TRIED AT THIS POINT, SO YOU CAN UNKNOT YOUR “KNIGHTY WHITIES” ABOUT IT.
TG: being anti-military is not my point but damn if it isnt a thing thats probably true anyways so good job sleuthing that out
CG: WHAT IS YOUR POINT, DAVE.
TG: bluh
TG: i just said i dont wanna talk about it man
====================
CG: OKAY,
====================
CG: OKAY.
CG: I MEAN. IT FEELS KIND OF IMPORTANT TO THE CONTEXT OF THIS WHOLE UNAMBIGUOUSLY PLATONIC ARGUMENT WE'VE BEEN HAVING
CG: WHICH I'M RELIEVED WE AGREE ON BY THE WAY
CG: BUT IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO KNOW I'M NOT GOING TO WRING IT OUT OF YOU. IT'S FINE.
====================
CG: …IF YOU DECIDE AT SOME POINT THAT YOU WANT TO TELL ME THOUGH, MY RUMBLE VESSELS ARE STILL OPEN.
TG: i swear youre making those up on the spot at this point
CG: I'M KEEPING MY LANGUAGE'S ART ALIVE, DAVE. IT'S BASIC DECENCY TO THE PLANET THAT RAISED ME.
TG: heh
====================
TG: yknow we got these things called anatomical snuffboxes
TG: its got that right amount of vague nose wrinklage to it that i feel like youd be right at home saying that
TG: snug as a grub even
CG: WHAT PART IS THAT???
TG: its that little weird bone bit that sticks out on the back of your palm when you flex your thumb right
====================
TG: look
CG: HUH. LOOKING AT THAT IS KIND OF WIGGING ME OUT.
TG: yeah its kinda gross rose told me about it
TG: but anyways
====================
TG: are we cool
CG: I MEAN… I GUESS SO. YOU WEREN'T ACTUALLY INSULTING ME, RIGHT?
TG: hell no dude never
CG: OKAY. I COMPLETELY RESCIND THE MYRIAD OF WAYS I JUST INSULTED YOU. AND I'M SORRY.
TG: nah i know its just fluff at this point
====================
CG: I STILL DON'T APPRECIATE YOU TELLING ROSE THINGS I SAY TO YOU IN CONFIDENCE. THAT WAS BETWEEN YOU, ME, AND MY NOW NON-EXISTENT HOME PLANET ROTTING AWAY TO A CRATERED GRAY HUSK IN ANOTHER DEAD UNIVERSE.
TG: i swear that was like the only thing its just that she gets it and i cant keep my mouth from going on about the gettable stuff
TG: they call me the babbling brook the way my flows so audible
TG: i wont do it again
CG: NO,
====================
CG: I GET IT HONESTLY.
CG: I'M BASICALLY THE NUMBER ONE PROPRIETOR OF AIRED GRIEVANCES IN ALL OF PARADOX SPACE AND THEN SOME, AND I'D ALSO BECOME ITS BIGGEST HYPOCRITE IF I HELD IT AGAINST YOU.
TG: thanks
TG: but i mean
TG: at the gigantic risk of sounding uh
====================
TG: ………..
CG: ?
====================
TG: well
TG: i kinda just think youre better at being a guy to chill out and watch movies with than a guy to tangle fists with
TG: and i dont think theres anything wrong with being that
TG: i think its cool
====================
CG: …THAT'S AN ALARMINGLY BRAZEN OBSERVATION TO MAKE OF SOMEONE YOU'VE KNOWN FOR ABOUT THE SPAN OF SEVEN SEASONAL EQUINOXES, DAVE.
TG: i dont know what that means but it sure is probably
CG: AM I ALLOWED TO ASK WHAT EVEN GIVES YOU THAT IMPRESSION????
TG: i just got that inkling about you man
====================
TG: and you can do whatever you want with that info
TG: throw it in the load gaper or whatever if you want i dont really care
TG: give it a swirly and slam it in a locker call it a nerd break its glasses whatever
TG: but beyond this whole lord english thing weve got going on i am pretty content to never aggress my fellow man slash alien slash monster again if i can help it
TG: i think thats pretty fair given what thats been like so far
====================
TG: and yknow its cool to have some company when im waxing emotional over the narrative depth of click starring adam sandler which we are watching next by the way
CG: UGH, FIIIIIIIIINE. JUST TO MAKE UP FOR CALLING YOUR THINKPAN SMOOTH AND SUPERFLUOUS.
====================
TG: score
TG: we should argue all the time
CG: SNRK
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Hi betts! Ive been finding your posts really motivating, they make me want to write more and more. So id really appreciate if you could give me advice for this problem!
I just dont know how to revise! Or maybe the problem is that i dont know how to write drafts that need revising.
Basically what happens is that i write a draft as fast and messily as i can. And then i reread it, and i really like it! So when i get around to fixing it up, i end up chopping out things just based off of vibes. And then i read that version, and i hate it! It shows a lot more technical skill for sure, and it coheres a lot more, but i feel that its completely lost its voice and style. I tend to write in fits of emotion, and i feel like any revising outside of that mindset just sort of... strips the text of its sincerity?
Where do i go from here? Its not easy to practice revision when its so disheartening!
When i attempt to write badly, it either turns out good enough that im scared to change it, or bad enough that im not interested in it anymore.
How do i revise a draft without removing the things i like about it? Do i just need to get better at identifying what i like about my work?
that's an interesting situation, anon. i guess my immediate question is, if you like what you write, why do you even want to revise?
in the 50s, the beats popularized this idea of "first thought, best thought," which basically means what goes on the page is what belongs there, and the first words that come to us are the right ones, not because they're good, but because they're first.
for your own purposes, for the sake of discovery, i think this is a great mentality. the process of invention is the purest practice of creativity. you're putting things on a page that weren't there before, and if you're doing that in a way you find satisfying, and if you're pleased with the results, then i think you should keep doing it. it seems to me like your willingness to revise and your ability to say, "no, i liked it better before," will naturally develop into a more dedicated revision practice. eventually you'll write the thing that makes you go, "wait a minute, that's not right," or maybe, "i like this, but it doesn't quite honor the story i want to tell." and those are the seeds of revision.
don't get me wrong, i'm a firm believer in revision. but more than that, i'm a believer in letting your joy guide you in any creative process. revision should feel good. you should want to revise. you may not always be eager to revise, but you should feel strongly enough about the nature of what you're creating that making it better will make you feel better. but if you don't want to revise, then you shouldn't feel obligated to.
still, if you want to get a sense of what revision can do to your work so that you can experiment and grow, i would recommend writing something short, maybe a thousand words or fewer. then put it down for a week, and rewrite it without looking at it again. put that down for a week too. then rewrite it a third time without looking at either previous draft.
when you have all three drafts, try to look at them with a discerning eye. which one overall is best and why? or if you can't tell, go through and highlight all the sentences you like and count them. whichever story has the most highlights wins.
sometimes revision isn't always about making something better. sometimes it's about approaching your work so many different ways that you've conceived all possible angles and chosen the one that's best. sometimes the first thought really is the best thought. but sometimes it's the fifth thought, or the tenth, or one that someone else has to bring to your attention. i think if you broaden your definition of revision to be "considering every way this thing can be written," it'll help guide you toward a process that works for you.
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💌
tw cheesy corny cringe shit. read at your own risk
hello loser. how do i even start?? i literally adore everything about you and ill say it again and again for as long as youll let me because i love you so much it makes me fucking crazy. but like crazy together am i right since you are evidently down astronomical
anyways. jay you mean so fucking much to me i dont know how to tell you and have it be enough and ill try but holy shit you make me feel so much like wtf!!!!!!!!!!!!! sometimes youll say something to me and its like the feeling you get when youre on a roller coaster and your stomach like. drops and its thrilling and sometimes ill just feel okay and happy and good just because youre talking to me and i feel like im made of love and thats the only feeling in the world i could ever feel and its /you/ that makes me feel that way and its the best feeling in the world and ive said feeling so many times it doesnt look like a word anymore but uh. yeah
also you say shit sometimes and i just like. i fucking just lose any ability to have a coherent thought what the fuck you do not realize the power you have over me you will send me a :) and i wont stop smiling for like an hour how do you do that??
feel like i want to have matching profile pictures and say goodnight to you every night til i stop breathing. fuck you for making me feel things actually. i love you so much okay please do not forget ever i will say it so much it will be tattooed in your brain i love you i love you i love you i love you i love
god i wish i could kiss you right now
thats us in my mind ^
okay im going to end this here before it gets way too fucking long (too late.) i love you so fucking much thats all bye
#cant believe u make me feel things. embarrassing fr#my mailbox 💌#moots 💓#jay <3#guy i drag around with me idk why (ily) <3
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ok so i unfortunately wasnt able to live reaction last night so heres my first reaction of 1989 taken from the gc
this is all very rambley but im not coherent on a normal day so
long post so here’s a break
welcome to new york: it sounds so different but SO good i need to listen to this on headphones plz
blank space: THE SPOKE LINES??? THE HARMONIES
style: my soul ascended. the guitar is SO GOOD
out of the woods: THE BRIDGE!!! also you can hear jack SO CLEARLY post bridge the vocals overall are just so good
all you had to do was stay: the ‘stay’ 🥺 (i was a mess at this point and nex walked in on me LOOSING IT)
shake it off: the giggle!!!!! the trumpets!!! the bridge!!!
i wish you would: the way she pronounces crooked love!!?!?! stand back wasted!!!
bad blood: it sounds SO different but in the best way (nex also walked in and stole my snack so i made a joke that i related to bad blood) the echos are so good! “where is kendrick :( u forgive u forget but u never let it go 💔”
how you get the girl: THE VOCALS ARE SO CRISP the yeah e yea!!!! the squeak?!!?! “now THIS is how you get the girl”
i know places: “OH FUCK ME OH OH FUCK ME ITS SO GOOD HOLY SHIT THE GUITARRRR IVE DIEAD AND I KNOW PLACES TV IS MY HEAVEN”
clean: the bwoops!!! how is she signing inside of my brain??? i don’t think i can cry to this song anymore it bops too much
wonderland: ok wow i might actually like wonderland this is an improvement
you are in love: its sounds the exact same which is very good love the drums prechorus
new romantics: i was on the floor dead also abigail on the spotify canvas had me sobbing
vault
slut: “clink clink yaaas” also i called it the aquamarine green line was slut i knew it. gagged its giving bejeweled tho
say dont go: THE LOWER REGISTER??? HELP ME LORD OH MY GOD love the call and repeat
now that we don’t talk: “Oh funky.” “a parrty???” its so lorde i love it. mama swift ref!!!! i also just typed “YACHT” in the gc
suburban legends: “1950s gymnasium slay ok taylor” MY WHOLE LIFE IS RUINED?!!?
is it over now: “what is this… labyrinth ass intro” “i think this one is gonna have to grow on me” (not even two minutes later) “ok it grew on me” BLUE DRESS ON A BOAT!!! the TEA????
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gosh darnnit im tired
in other words: time for my weekly ramblings about a bl where im mildly interested in the main couple but the side couple means more to me than anything and no i will not stop talking about them
slight warning, there will be one mention of sa and one mention of murder/suicide (both of which are my personal speculation about particular situations, and there’s no detail apart from the word being mentioned). i also discuss/ramble to myself about mental health problems, and alcohol abuse. so if any of those things are triggering for you in any way, please be cautious about reading this, take necessary precautions, and if it’s particularly distressing, i urge you to call a local hotline for these kinds of emergencies. i care about all of you and your health and safety, whether i know you or not, and if you ever need to talk about anything at all, lemme know, my ask box and my dms are always open.
anyway, on with the show!
if you haven’t figured it out yet, this is...
MY THOUGHTS ON EPISODE 4 OF ABAAB
(if youre new here, it will literally be all of my thoughts on everything while im watching it bc i feel like im annoying my friends with my ramblings so instead ill annoy all of this circle of tumblr. and it will probably not be coherent. youre welcome.)
i’m obsessed with his little ‘cher is so cute’ smile
THATS HOW I FEEL ABOUT LITERALLY THIS EXACT POST
dONT YOU DARE DO A PATPRAN
that’s real insightful, cher. id never thought of that one before. the statement really gets me thinking.
are you- are you saying what i think you’re saying? or am i more dirty minded than i thought
his hair is extra curly today and its veyr pretty
the curls are giving charlie spring vibes from the side
i would like to touch his hair please
the fact that covid exists in this universe is weirdly funny to me
yup that sounds about right. no one rly cares about covid anymore when the entire world is ending
YAY HE’S FINALLY OPENING UP TO HIM
that freaking sucks tho
and what’s worse is it’s very likely tian was r*ped
WHY DO ALL THE HAPPY FEEL-GOOD SHOWS HAVE TO HAVE SAD DEATH BACKSTORIES BEHIND 50% OF THE FREAKING CHARACTERS
GUN (msp)’S DAD IS DEAD AND HIS MUM SPENDS HALF THE SHOW LOW-KEY DYING (and i swear if they do something to gim in our skyy 2 im gonna fly to thailand and have some words with people)
AYAN’S DAD LEFT, HIS UNCLE DIED
THUA’S DAD DIED
HALF THE CHARACTERS IN THE ECLIPSE HAVE DIAGNOSED DEPRESSION AND THE REST OF THEM ARE UNDIAGNOSED BUT ITS DEFINITELY THERE
HERE, JACK HAS DEPRESSION (and i rly hope they go into that more in depth later in the show bc he intrigues me. if they dont go into it more then im writing a way too in depth analysis post of jack)
AND NOW FREAKING CHER’S FRIEND/CRUSH FROM CHILDHOOD IS FREAKING DEAD AND HER BODY WAS FLOATING IN A POND WHICH DOESNT RLY LEAD TO ANY IMMEDIATE THOUGHTS OF A NATURAL DEATH WHICH MEANS IT WAS PROBABLY MURDER AND/OR SUICIDE WHICH MAKES IT EVEN FREAKING WORSE
i knew it was too good to last. the over-confident, cocky, funny, sassy/sarcastic people are generally the most messed up, they just hide it via humour and feigned confidence (i am most certainly not one of these people at all)
cher stop drinking, you’re gonna hurt yourself. also the alcohol might feel like it’s lifting the burden of thinking and stops you from worrying about everything thats happening, but itll come rushing back to you when you’re sober and worse because youll have a hangover, and it’s only a temporary fix, drinking only works for a couple of hours. you need a more permanent fix, cos if you keep turning to alcohol, itll turn into addiction and substance abuse and dependency, none of which are good, all of which are much harder to get out of than they are to get into. so yeah, just chill with the drinking a little bit. i get that you need to let it all out and you need to not feel for a bit, and that’s totally okay, but you need to make sure you’re not over-indulging yourself. otherwise youll be very ill in the long-term, both physically and mentally
PFFFT THIS WAS THE PERFECT SHOT TO END IT ON
final thoughts:
theyve both said things that make absolutely no sense in context unless theyre confessions of feelings, and yet theyre definitely gonna continue to do the “what if he doesnt like me back” thing even tho its SO CLEAR to LITERALLY EVERYONE they have feelings for each other
theyve gotten so close to kissing this episode and yet they havent which is sad, but also at least they have kissed at one point before getting to the point where they COULD have kissed a grand total of siXTY-SEVEN TIMES- (shut up im not talking about tinngun what are you talking about. .....but also if you wanted to see that post where i count out all of the times tinngun didn’t kiss...)
very sad with the complete and utter lack of threezo in this episode. actually, it’s not even a lack of threezo. neither of them even appeared in the episode. neither was even mentioned. they (i.e. the characters, the creators of the show) are all acting like threezo AREN’T the most important characters in this entire show
i love threezo
where is threezo
or is it zothree
either way i dont mind bc i love them
where was i
oh right
this episode was pretty good, very emotional, i definitely didnt cry what are you talking about (who am i kidding, eveyrone knows i cried three times, you dont even need me to tell you)
im excited for episode 5
that is all, thank you and goodnight
#quodekash rambles about abaab#im sorry my thoughts are a mess#idk why anyone reads these#i just make them to yeet my thoughts out of my brain cos otherwise they clog up#and if they clog up then i cant make funky posts where i overanalyse one line one character said one time#anyway#a boss and a babe#a boss and a babe the series#a boss and a babe series#abaab#abaab ep 4#guncher#chergun#forcebook#bookforce#force jiratchapong#book kasidet#jack's almighty curly hair#drake sattabut's almighty eyebrows
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i get LIVID over something again: the post (you know that i never put titles. im fucking MAD)
post tw: more than one suicide mention
hey man. hey. i dont like bitching about very importamt things to me very much but its one of those times. this may seem incoherent in some parts but im gonna roll with it anyways.
i swear to fucking god. some of you people will say youre an "irl" (absolutely ATROCIOUS term btw. literally do not say this.) and then proceed to go like "im a kinnie and i simp and im fictionkin and im a synpat"
i can confirm that nobody calls themselves an "irl" ever. when you are in a really bad psychotic episode and happen to be indulging in media that your brain hyperfocuses on and start deluding or hallucinating things that are coherent with said media, you didnt "gain an irl". you are in a psychotic episode. you cant collect delusions (UNSHAKEABLE beliefs by the way, grounding yourself is a different thing. but if you bawl like a baby because somebody doesnt think youre twilight sparkle, maybe youre the problem) like blind bag toys?!?
and no, it is not ableist to acknowledge when youre out of that state that you are delusional. it is not a horrific word. it is one thing to use mental illness as an adjective for something you dont like, in that case, that makes you a dick. but i am afraid you cannot suppress your troubles by calling yourself an "irl".
dont even get me started on the people who think that kin and fucking psychosis are one in the same. i dont know if its just me, but it irks me to an unimaginable degree even more to see blogs that group kin, fictionkin, FICTIVES, and PSYCHOSIS, as one whole. on one side, you have a strong liking or relatability to a character. on another, you have a belief that you are an incarnation of a character without delusion involved. on yet another, you have a fragment of underdeveloped personality from a dissociative disorder that has shaped its identity around a character from a media. on yet another fucking side of things, you have a mental state that occurs in people under the influence of some drugs, an injury, extreme pain, schizophrenia, and/or bipolar disorder.
you are not mentally ill if you like a character, want to convince yourself that youre them, and bitch and moan when people dont affirm it: the section
i (do not) regret to inform you that if you are a big fan of a character, you are not psychotic. psychosis is a very serious and distressing state that people often commit suicide from just so they dont have to experience it anymore. if you think that you want psychosis, you dont. i myself consider taking my life every fucking day because of how often ill be in either a psychotic or dissociative state. this is in no way an exaggeration. i know that you people in my screen think that i have a coherent sense of self and reality even if it's false, and you're wrong. it changes all the fucking time. its not cute. not fun. not in any way enjoyable at all. back when i was younger, it would often present in a way that would convince me it wants to help me. now when i try to fight back against it and know its tricks, it turns very ugly very fast. when i run, it slows me down. when i struggle, it sucks me in. when i cry for help, water fills the space my voice was. when i try to swim, sand pushes against the push. but when i succumb, everything stops. even then, i cant win. everything is a question, and i dont think ill ever have the answer; when will it stop? when will it settle?
its not a game of house and your own mental state is not a mannequin to adorn with the worst things the human mind can feel.
say it louder. you cant choose this. you cant. there is no state of disarray where you are conveniently attached to pixels on a screen. "irl disorder" is a thing people actually search on the fucking internet because of you sick fucks. shut the fuck up. did you know that your head doesnt limit what you can be absolutely fucking confused and terrified about to just your favorite video game? i regularly hear things that i ask other people if they did, and they usually say no. i have seen, tasted, smelled, and touched things that disappear when i look away and look back. i have no feeling of connection to your reality. at the same time, everything feels surreal in the worst possible way in the very rare occasion that i can ground myself. i usually don't dissociate when i'm on the computer, because i have always been in that reality. when i step off, it tries its hardest to pull me back to anything that feels like the digital world. i have no goddamn connection to my body.
i want to disappear.
to those people im talking about: i hope this finds you well. you make me want to die even more than i already do. sincerely, gallerian. or nemesis. or seth. i dont know anymore.
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all the mystery and terms that are just dropped around and youre waiting for some reveal or something... until half of it is never expalined and half is just dumped in exposition episodes by the scientist Ritsuko.
the first impact is literally never explained in the main series or end of eva, i stumbled upon it on the internet.
kaworu, a fan favourite character that youve been lead to believe has a very deep and impactful relationship with shinji... literally only appears for 20 min before he dies.
tge scene where his toji gets roped into being a pilot and gets stuck in a berserk eva is one of those occasions where you actually feel dread for the characters. when shinjis eva is literally ripping the other eva apart and crushing the entry plug in half with his friend inside and all he can do is watch...and thats when he thinks its just a human inside. thrn he finds out it was toji, his friend.. its genuinely horrifying, its shocking.
and then he somehow survives. it kind of ruins the impact
though in defense rei surviving wasnt really impractical because she did die..they just got a third clone to replace her and made it look like she survived.
and the last two episodes...a beast of their own. i liked the abstract animation and the various techniques used to represent the mental state of the characters. but they explain jackshit.
after kaji dies you really have no idea whats going on with the plot anymore. they show you shinjis mind but you dont know whats happening with the characters outside. and it ends like that, shinji accepts his existence and everybody congratulates him and its very wholesome but youre clueless as to what actually happened to the characters.
then it turns out youll have to watch end of evangelion for that, which again is superbly animated, the visuals are intense and haunting, the aesthetics are on point but nothings really explained.
i could really only get through the whole thing because i the overarching themes, the soundtrack, i.e. the creative choices, the artistic liberty resonated with my taste. its kind of impossible to get through it otherwise.
but you have to say certain parts are very well made. like asukas deterioration arc. very superbly put together for maximum horror.
the starting episodes are very structurally similar. repetitive. an angel attacks about quarterway through, they fight, fail, devise a plan, fight, win etc. with one or two variations thrown in. the angel possessed an eva, is capable of hacking into the magi, it sucked shinji in, it can split apart etc. even the animation sequence felt identical, alarms would blare, a repeated voice announcing an angel sighting, code blue, megaphones blaring for citizens to go into lockdown, an animation sequence of gates inside nerv locking down with red alarms as a background. ritsuko orders maya to analyze something, misato asks where shinji asuka and rei are etc. i liked that though. it was very...simple. combined with the 90s art style and the slice of life parts it gave it a certain charm.
evangelion is not very strong on plot. its not very clear and well planned out, and budgets and censorship and deviation from the manga make it kind of incomprehensible. as a whole its not very coherent, more to do with aesthetics and cool soundtracks and what looks the best just thrown in.
it endeavours to deconstruct the human psyche and the mecha and religous symbolism is just a way to get there. the daddy issues, the dead mothers and the psychological repression and denial can get a tad repetitive. and yeah...the characters never really mature. But personally their immaturity is what i like about them, i dont find them that irritating or unbearable and instead seem like relaistic tennagers with Issues tm.
this is just for the anime series though, which is very different from the manga. the anime is the original and more well known though, so much that fans only mention it and the rebuild movies in discussions. im reading the manga and i like it so far, its also supposed to flesh out characters like rei a bit more.
no lies this is actually a pretty good analysis. even if he hated eva all his points are valid and he did his research. anyways ill make a post about the parts i liked soon
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I spent like a good hour writting this shit in a reblog but i want to know if it is shit or not so here we go
was going to wright this in the tags but its annoying sp ill write it here <3 (i also havent watched jimmy/scott 3rd life so Sorry)
the prickel of the abyss surrounds you. not that you can really *tell" bc of the whole, yknow.. dead thing. you desperately try to focus on the past, the serve in horay! You died first! The most consistent disappointmemt of them all, not to think about how fucking furious your other is- should! be. You ruined it. again. always first out, and now not alone! (Not alone? like in hobbit homes or the scent of poppies or the god forbidden joy of being choosen despite all your flaws. someone made the decision to put up-) And youre thinking about it again. I told you not to did i not? For the love of god dont look *that* misserable. Arent you used to this feeling by now? and its not like your soulmate ever got that mad at *you*. however, for your credit its kinda hard to run from memories, here (?) if you call this a here. the feeling of this void is uncomfortable. not enough to ever be upset about but enough to unnerve. Something about the utter emptiness outside of you envokes inner emptiness. Anyways you were looking for him right? What do you mean no, what else would you look for? Everyone else gave up on you in the end, gotta let him have his moment too. Its difficult to 'move. its like space in a way! but it some what works. You wave your arms frantically or kick off the smoke and you go somewhere! in a direction probably. i mean i dont know why im telling you this. you are quite familiar with death arent you? oh cheer up you get front row seats you should be happy. Dont ignore me. You say ons Wrong- wait you whats that.
The smell (you can smel!! yay!) of nether smoke and gasolinehits you. youve never been happier to know an argument is near by. You take a deep breath and try your best to follow, adventually slamming into something smooth. after some re adjustment you are set for walking. Moon walking that is, with the whole lack of gravity. But that wont deter you. for some damned reason you are hell set on finding a man quite literally smoking with furry but your own double death, or would ot be quadruple? you cant run from me jimmy im in your head! well you are still running towards fire. A glow in the distance. A shinmer of hope that atleast you wont be alone in this. But instead of a furious wall you find a crumpled spark. "Look Tango buddy, Im sorry. You deserved a better ending than that." The flame is still. you take another breath of smoke and try again.
"I messed up, and even if you never talk to me again just know ill always be glad to be a rancher with you! Again!" You both just stay still for a while. there is no sound for anywhere to 30 seconds to years but adventually you hear a small sob.
"Tango!"
"Oh youre still here?" his voice sounds devoid of life. Before you can get a single thought out (dont worry we know its difficult for you)
"Go home..." You have nothing to add. Your thoughts are anything but blank (for once) but not a single one can coherently conjure in your mouth. You only see home. There is no coW shit feet away from you bed, ashes neV
A/ashing out of the floorThere is no cow shit feet away from you bed, ashes never washing out of the floor,.. or the grass,... or the walls. Its clovers tied lovingly in your hair, mountain air, the promise of no matter what you were loved (and how it shattered), even the bickering! But you cant let him down. Its not that you dont love him! its just you know better now. "Go"
Well its definitely NOT a question. But you know bickering quite well.
"My home isnt *there* anymore..." The flame shoots up a bit. Not a reaction you were going for but you can come back from this! Team rancher #1 baybe!! "But i dont want to be alone forever. Tango, I dragged you down in the curse, we were doomed from the beginning because of ME. Im not asking for forgiveness i just want.. dont know. just! dont know man! have no idea." There is another space. You hope it is consideration. Maybe... Maybe.
oakyyy hopefully that makes any since in the narrative and its not just how i read it! welp see ya
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this questions been mulling in my head for months nowbut ive GOTTA know if garvs parents like ever had anyone looking for their son after he got cooked or if they ever like went through his stuff and figured out how much of a freak he was post mortem (unless this is something yall are gonna get into later on) (also im sending thus immediately after waking up so hopefully it's coherent)
mornin & spoilers ahead! also i think it’s been long enough since the bog release that i can safely touch on author intent now lol
in canon i always assumed there was subsequent police investigation that went nowhere & went cold, because there was no longer any evidence or bodies to go off of - the noose is empty & if you look closely at the barrel sal had knocked over that had fleish’s body in it it’s empty & so are the rest of them. i dont really think we can even quantify garv as being “dead” at that point cus at that point RJ & i made a hard turn into Lost Highway land & our undying love for surrealist media came out in full force lol
so all the bodies are gone, the noose is empty, nothings been burned, but everybody’s still carrying injuries around. i left it vague for a few years cus i wanted to hear what other people had to say, but as far as author intent goes it was supposed to be this idea that you don’t need the original catalyzing Thing directly in front of you anymore to get stuck carrying physical & psychological trauma around with you for the rest of your life - if you refuse to try & deal with it in any healthy way that is, & the guys have already shown their hand in that department lol
garv’s body doesn’t need to be there in your line of sight because garv’s body is always going to be there, like planets, or bad memories you refuse to deal with, or the concept of god. he’s simultaneously dead & immortal in that sense. he’s nowhere & everywhere. like “god” is! :o)
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Hey so I know you lost interest in the 1d/larry fandom and were lucky enough to have another interest to jump right into, but any advice for someone who is pretty miserable in that fandom but can't seem to sever the ties completely yet? It's just been years of my life you know? And it feels like such a waste to just up and leave. Idk, also I know this is a me issue but I don't really vibe with the people that Harry and Louis turned out to be. At least publicly. I'm a big ball of sad and would love some guidance if you're up for it.
hello anon! let me just say i completely understand the way you feel, 1d has been apart of my life since 2012 and the fandom is something that i always thought i would be apart of.
im sorry that you’re feeling sad about moving on, but i still say that no matter what 1d will always be apart of your life! 1d will always be apart of my life, especially because of the different friends it's brought me when i really needed a community to fit in when i was younger. all my friends i met through 1d i still consider my friends, i still talk to them! you don't have to leave them behind even if you don't share the same interest anymore! and the music is still there! i will ALWAYS love their music and i will always listen to it.
also you don't have to see it as a waste to just leave because it hasn't been a waste! in my head i think that it served it's purpose up to this point of my life and that it's just time for me to move on to things that really make me happy now. also you dont have to deleted your blog/erase all my 1d stuff from your life it can still be there! i still get notifications on here that ppl are reblogging my 1d gifs and it brings me joy to see it!
i know ive said this a few times but it took my 4 years of feeling miserable in this fandom for me to finally leave so it hasn't been an all around quick process either! i was still making content, i was quick to gif whenever one of them did something. i was still making gifs of them towards the end of the year! i did get really lucky that dan and phil started uploading around the time i was thinking about leaving so i did have something to jump into right away, and it's completely okay if you don't! and again i just want to say it's not been a waste!!!! it's just you growing up and moving on and that's okay!
to your last point...the biggest reason why i decided to leave is their complete silence on the genocide happening in palestine, and i realized speaking up was more important to me than anything and the fact that they haven't and don't seem to care even though louis has the anarchy symbol tattooed on him (lol) and harry seems to only attach himself to causes either after he's been pushed (blm) or things that are deemed safe politics (gun control in america) and yet still won't say anything about palestine when he has zionst allegations (which i know are old)...i don't know, all i can hope is that they've educated themselves but im just not putting all my eggs in their basket anymore. i don't know who these men are and im just fine watching them do whatever from the sidelines.
ive stopped feeling disappointing and upset at what they do because i realized i don't want them to be the be all and end all to my happiness on any given day
i hope that this was at least somewhat coherent enough and dont be afraid to message me or send another anon!!! i hope your journey of leaving 1d behind goes smoothly for you!!! also do some little things like stop following their update accounts and turn off notifications for them on twitter/ig! i stopped following their update accounts on here and on twitter + i still follow them all but i havent had their notifications on in about 3 years!
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oh wow, the last time i posted was basically exactly a year ago lol.
well both a lot and nothing's changed much, i'm back to b emo again so that alone should say enough without saying anything
if anything things have gotten WORSE lmfao, i'm literally not supposed to be here right now but unfortunately the attempt fucking failed
nobody tells you how embarrassing that is - how did you fail at everything INCLUDING trying to kill yourself LMFAO, LIKE DAMN YOU REALLY CANT WIN
okay im being silly to cope but idk. when i got in touch with my counselor after it happened, she asked how much i wanted to be alive here on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being i literally wanna die right now in this instant, and 1 being miraculous healing and lifetime peace. the first day after i told her 8.5. three days later i said 3. it's a few weeks later now, and ive realized that my answer to the question has been sliding up and down everyday.
this is not even what i wanna talk about, i don't know how i ended up talking about that lol. anyway actually wait ANOTHER sb but artists im obsessed with rn: ka$hdami and 6arelyhuman okay moving on now ummm im trying so hard to be a 1 on that scale and maintain optimism and hope but like things keep going wrong and everything keeps irritating me and i genuinely feel like shit and i dont want to feel like shit because freaking 2014 just started, the year just started but unfortunately i am not optimistic about this year at all - i can't predict what will happen or how it will go or feel, everything is uncertain and im tired of being so unsure and incapable and it makes me want to leave earth because it's all just so tiring and now im just rambling hhhhh
to gather my thoughts coherently.. im bleeding out my fucking gooch. my charger is broken and wont charge my phone unless it's at an angle. my back camera is broken, my phone's been having storage issues, i don't feel pretty these days, i don't know what to do with my hair, it's freaking cold as hell in my house, i've got a sore throat, the only bathroom in the house with a bathtub has cold water so i can't take any soothing baths which is one of the best parts of being home, my sleep schedule is entirely in reverse, and i just feel so energetically exhausted. the house is a mess and my room is cluttered and my mom wants me to take down the christmas decorations, and i WANT to because cleaning makes me feel productive but i just don't have the stamina or ENERGY, like i feel physically sick and unwell and irritated and run down and incapable and i hate it so much, why is 2024 already off to the worst. and that's just in the present tense. in the future tense, like i said i am not optimistic about this year at all. i anticipate it being a really really difficult year and it makes me wanna cry because i don't wanna do it but i know i need to. you know how they say you have to get through the storm to see the other side? or some shit like that idfk, i dont wanna go through the storm! im so tired of the rain im so tired of being cold im so tired of goosebumps and anxiety and uncertainty and all of it !!!!!!! i've been trying to find my way through a storm for YEARS and it has not let up ONCE. i want to stop but i tried doing that and the universe just took me off pause and made me keep going, why couldn't they just let me join the stars. it would've been so much easier.
instead i have to stay here and try my best to heal and recover and work around my issues but i just can't imagine it, i can't imagine getting better i just don't see it. i can daydream about a version of myself that's better and stronger all i want, but i know in my heart that she'll never exist because i've been trying to be her for years and i just can't get there. i keep falling short. i keep failing. i keep taking L after L after L and im just. so. tired. i don't want to try anymore.
it's not always like this. sometimes there will be something that motivates me and makes me feel inspired to live again. but it always passes by and i come back to these feelings and this state. i keep falling back into this hole and it's such an exhausting up and down and back and forth.
the reason im here being emo again is i just feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. usually when i come back to this freaking blog that's the case. i always come back here when i have feelings that i need to release but i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone. i don't wanna say anything on my spam because i don't want anyone to see all this negativity and darkness in me, and i don't want my close friends and innocent people to be randomly laden with this kind of depressing energy just as the year FRESH started and they're only casually scrolling their feed. you know what i mean? i hate scrolling my feed and seeing depressing shit. i don't wanna do that to my friends. i want peace and good vibes and good energy and a clean refreshing start to the year for them. i want them to be happy. i dont wanna post on my spam something that will gut their heart out, bring their mood down, and make them see me different. and it's the same with my best friend. not so much the last part cause they already know all these sides of me. and that is really relieving. but the only reason why i hold back from telling them this right now is because of the first reason - the year just started. they don't need this energy. we've already been having realtalks that are depressing enough. they dont need me calling them and texting them every time i feel depressed and manic and lost - that would be so shitty and i hate people who do that. it's energy stealing and self-centered. and for obvious reasons i don't talk to my family about these things. so i am left with this silly little blog, my beautiful void. oh how i love speaking into the void. it gives the illusion of speaking to someone without actually speaking to anyone. it's a perfect release.
but yeah idk, long story short im on my period, im sick with a sore throat, freezing in my house, feeling ugly and tired and incapable and irritated, with an inability to find optimism for the future and worst of all NO HOES! <;/3333
dude.. no because my love life is an entirely different type of pain. it's so... dude.
in the very least, i should be starting long-term therapy this year. that's the plan at least. my counselor gave me some recommendations, offices to call, and i have my dad's support. i'm gonna call in the numbers either tomorrow or thursday. i say this as "in the least" because even though i know it's supposed to be helpful, im not too optimistic about it. i don't like how many times i've used that word smfh. but im not - i don't really look forward to opening up about my 5 billion issues to a complete stranger. i have a hard enough time with the idea of how people perceive me. when i first started having sessions with my counselor, it really did not help because i didn't open up to her in the way i was supposed to. i told her surface level shit and sugar coated things instead of telling her the important things. im worried im only going to do that again. i don't like people seeing the worst of me - even when im PAYING them to see that side of me and when i NEED to show that side of me in order to FIX it. rahhhhhh. i also don't really look forward to it because i just see it as something large and overwhelming and unsolvable. my mental health that is. i don't look forward to tackling it in therapy. for only once a week? with that rate it's gonna take YEARS for me to figure myself out. and not only do i not have that kind of time, but it sounds so frustrating - slow agonizing progress, if any progress is made at all. im in such a pessimistic mood right now and i'm really not always like this - but this is also just the logical side of my brain. i just don't see it working out. i want it to. i want it to work badly - that's why we're going to try it. but i still am not optimistic about what the outcome will be and i am more daunted by the emotional and mental energy it will take out of me. i am second guessing if i should do school at the same time as therapy. i don't think any of this will go well. i only see myself getting consumed by things all over again - losing energy and motivation and time and getting depressed when everything goes wrong again. i think i might just also be scared by the process of healing. healing itself is not scary - but the process is terrifying. i don't trust it. i don't know if it will work. every time i thought i was healing i was just spiraling into a new unknown. the process of healing sounds so energetically draining, it sounds so deceptive, it sounds so emotionally torturing, it sounds fake, and it sounds incredibly time consuming and i already am NOT in time's favor. so i guess that's why i am not optimistic about this year - because i already know what the theme is. i already know what my focus is. this year for me, is all about healing and learning myself better. learning how to overcome my worst habits, my worst thoughts and emotions, and navigate situations that trigger them. this year is intended to be the year i start therapy. the year i put my mental health in the spotlight after years of trying to navigate it and figure it out on my own. i know the fact that im going to have professional support and guidance is supposed to be encouraging, but im so focused on the fact that there is so MUCH i need support and guidance with - and i need to tackle all of it once a week.. while in school... engaging with the very environment that deeply triggers me as i try not to be triggered, figure out ways around being triggered, SUCCEED at not getting triggered so i can therefore succeed in my academic environment, AND also figure out ways to make money on my own on the side. and that's not even going into deeper detail. idk, i just have so many needs to meet, and a billion things on my mind - obligations, responsibilities, needs, and they're all scrambled up in this big black scribble in my brain that's so thick i can hardly see through to the other side. and i don't like that blockage. i don't like that lack of foresight and clarity. i don't like the uncertainty. it makes me nervous and hesitant and resistant. i want to resist this year and this life so badly.
but all in all im just so tired. as always. it never goes away. the rage and frustration and exhaustion it just never goes away and i just really want a long long hug and a nice backrub.
please.
- 1.3.24 | 1:05 AM -
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I think theres a big gap in understanding the definition of kink for a lot a people since I've seen wildly varying definitions thats led to a lot of confusion and of course, huge fights. To me, before I decided to look up the definition, kink was inherently sexual, and Im a kinky person, but also enjoy things that other people would consider a kink in a completely non-sexual way, and I would not define those things as a kink because they were non-sexual. I would say "Not in a kinky way" and would not include it in the context of kink. I defined kink as "sexual attraction to a particular act (or verb)" and fetish as "sexual attraction to a particular thing (or noun)" Now I've decided to research more into it because I was insanely confused by "kink isn't inherently sexual" and now I think I'm just extra confused? lol, theres so many different answers and definitions that I don't really know who to believe or what to think. I think this also has to do with things like cultural context, the way one was raised, the communities they are/were in. Like for example, I used to be pretty active in the agere community some time ago, but not so much anymore. I'm not into agere sexually in any way and I'll never be, it squicks me out to think about it in a sexual way, but I dont mind people who are into that way (or as I used to say, people into it as a kink), it's not really my business and I personally don't care, but as you may or may not know, a majority of the agere community did care. A LOT. there was a big separation between ddlg/abdl/ageplay (sexual) vs agere (non-sexual). I'm not sure how to best explain it but... if you were into something like that completely non-sexually, you wouldnt refer to it in the context of kink EVER. Like you wouldn't mention it if you were talking about or listing off your kinks, or you would say "in a non-kinky way", and there was a difference between "agere/petre kink" and "agere/petre" (or anything else you want to apply it to, like bondage and such) same with "ageplay/petplay" as "play" indicated it was sexual. I of course understand enjoying the non sexual aspects of kink and having non sexual feelings with kink but to me they were always tied to the sexual part (to me sexual doesn't necessarily mean having sex either, just sexual pleasure/gratification/feelings) and I just thought that was the norm? And for "kink" things I enjoyed non sexually (completely non sexually I mean, getting no sexual pleasure from it), I never defined those things as kink or being kinky, and I probably wont either (out of personal preference really). I think I can see like, enjoying aspects of kink separately from sexual stuff if you enjoy it sexually? I'm not entirely sure how to word it, like being into petplay but enjoying wearing a collar non sexually because it makes you feel safe (or you just like wearing it) even if sometimes you enjoy wearing it sexually?? If that makes sense?? Or that part being completely non sexual despite being attached to the kink part? Or how some people enjoy kink completely non sexually because coping/pain management/etc? But I would've defined those by their terms outside of the context of kink or without the word kink, or define it as what it is done for. I'm not sure, it's so different and there's so many definitions and stuff it's kind of making my head spin. I hope this is at least somewhat intelligible, I just wanted to explain what the definition was to me for the longest time and where I got that definition from, and maybe help understand where the confusion is coming from?
Oh boy I juuuuust woke up so do forgive me if I'm not perfectly coherent right now.
You're right. That is exactly the issue, and I think it's because people don't actually talk to kinksters to get their definition. I'm probably not putting this the best because I am mega sleepy-brained right now but the dictionary definition is devoid of context and nuance and lacks any sentiment of the deep emotions that lie at it's core. BDSM isn't beating someone up to cum, it's two consenting adults in a mutually agreed upon situation where one (the submissive) wants and receives the action of the scene and the other (the dominant) wants to provide and gives these sensations to their submissive. What these sensations are and if they're sexual or not can vary wildly from individual to individual. The dictionary doesn't care for that level of nuance. I have a redefinition somewhere on my blog that is more mindful but it would be an archeological dig to find it among 20,000+ posts.
I used to be on agere too and I was pretty controversial back then as well. I was most active between 2016-2017 but I didn't find myself fitting in with the community even then because I have always been an age player, not an age regressor, and age play isn't sexual for me. I say this to illustrate that there is a difference between an age player and an age regressor. I think the terms get erroneously used as synonyms but they're two different mental states. Same with pet play and pet regression. I can only explain my own mindset and experience but age regression is called this because it's a regression, the way you think actually literally changes. I was never able to get there, I always felt like I was just putting on a mask. Age play, however, doesn't imply true mental regression. I don't mentally age down, but I act in a way that would be considered younger. It's the difference between mind and body. Or at least that's how I see it. Other people may have different definitions but I can only speak for me rn.
You can be both a regressor and an age player, and that's perfectly fine, but that's why the distinction between regression and play matters so much as well as also being why the two are used as synonyms. Same for pet regression/play etc. Both are extremely therapeutic in many of the same ways but it's understandable why some people don't want sex during.
My primary point is that BDSM is different for every person in it. Some people are exclusively sexual, some people aren't sexual at all, and then you have most of the community where we have a mix of sexual and nonsexual kinks. Unfortunately I don't think the misleading definition is likely to change, not unless the same work is put into understanding kink in the same way that we are working to understand being LGBT. You can't wrap up kink in a nice little bow of "this is always only ever sexual" and call it a day.
I'm sure I'll touch on this a bit more tomorrow when I get a chance to write my thoughts on headspaces but I need to get back to bed.
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Oh, don't worry about disagreeing with me. Everyone has a right to their own likes and dislikes, and no one should make them feel bad about those or in need of justification. It is the different viewpoints on the same subject that make a fandom, story plot, or dynamic so diverse. It also gives the opportunity to experience things from different perspectives. If everyone just agreed on and did the same thing, imagination might just become stagnant and die. Also, you are very polite and respectful in voicing your opinion, so I would never be mad about it.
I like the occasional possessive character (and sometimes even when it borders into the unhealthy, toxic kind of behavior, but I have to be in a special mood for those stories), but usually, I like it more in a ... how to say this, appreciative way? Like "I know what I feel for this person and I will treasure them and these feelings with all my might for as long as possible and yes I'm showing off my happiness. This is *my* love."
(don't know if I was able to explain the kinda vibe I feel with this)
On the jealousy front, that's a little more difficult. For me, I enjoy jealous characters *if* the narrative doesn't turn melancholy and dramatic because of it. Like, the jealousy isn't in relation to the character not trusting their partner (like "this other person can give them so much more, they will surely leave me for the better option"), and not about them being angry that their partner is having a good time or anything like that.
But more like "I love their laugh. I kinda resent the person that made them laugh like that a little bit right now, but just you wait, I will make them laugh like that as well."
(again, not sure if I was able to explain the sentiment here)
Anyway, let me repeat that it is always okay to choose to not engage with content or story/character angles that you are not comfortable with. Or even to steer something that could go two ways into a direction that agrees more with you, even if the one asking was probably trying to go the other way with their ask.
I'm glad to hear that you still like discussing Malec and (sub) Magnus, even when you don't feel motivated to write for them anymore.
I will probably be back with more randomness soon. Hope you have a wonderful day :-)
<333 i just don’t want to be like “well cool if you like that but i DONT” ldkgjfdfg you know
yeah i mean to be fair, sometimes a story with a jealous/toxic/whatever character can be good, i just prefer like. i can enjoy that kind of story, but i want it to be like. for characters that are that, rather than bringing them to my blorbos/otps that Arent like that. does that make sense? it’s the same with like “dark” fics--i don’t mind dark fics! if they’re for something like, a darker canon. if that makes sense. like, i mean, for some reason the only example that comes to mind is hannibal even though i haven’t actually seen it--i would read hannibal fanfiction for fucked up codependent cannibal boyfriends. i would not read malec fanfiction for fucked up codependent cannibal boyfriends. you know? i don’t like making my blorbos that aren’t Already That dark/toxic/etc.
yeah i get that--there’s this certain brand of like. i think it’s technically possessiveness but it doesn’t feel like that to me because it’s not like... okay, actually, it’s like, a dragon’s hoard. but it’s “this is MY treasure and he is pretty and perfect and i am showing him off but he is Mine and only I get to have him :)” versus like, more traditional/classic evil dragon guarding hoard and being like, idk, controlling and like nobody else can have him (whether he likes it or not) rather than omggg no one else gets to have him bc he chose me and i chose him and hes mine and im his :) you know what i mean? yeah that was sooo coherent thanks me
but like, showing them off and treasuring them and being glad they’re yours and you get to have them with you but like, almost like. smug like yeah that’s right they chose ME and they’re MINE and i’m THEIRS. rather than being controlling its more--yeah, appreciative! like you said.
yeah, that’s fair, i can get behind it when it’s kinda silly and sweet and like they both know it doesn’t mean anything but they can’t help but be like “>:( but im prettier right. right” or whatever, just a little. although i think it’s less “i resent they made them laugh :/ *I* will make them laugh” because usually blorbos i like are too busy going “😍 oh.... their laugh...” bc anything that makes their lover happy makes them happy (i love couples who simp for each other a bit ldkgjdgh) but like, the general idea of like. it’s not about trust it’s just a silly little like. thing dflkgjdfg im so elegant
oh i LOVE discussing it, i just have low energy 😩 but some of the other fandoms im more active in right now aren’t really ripe for nsfw content so i miss writing it :( feel free to keep sending asks! i might take forever to respond but i Will eventually
#im probably not gonna answer these all at once cos classes are starting soon and imma be#low on energy#but dont think that means i dont like them! i do! im just. t#very small and very tired
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Welcome to Night Vale SPOILERS/////
listened to wtnv 171 again and having big thoughts and feelings about a cecils literal manic episode about (literally, heavily implied) killing the version of himself in the mirror while on public radio in light of wtnv 192
some quotes that really got my gears turning regarding the big plot drop of supposedly cecils father and his inability to remember correctly (not new But really prevalent in recent episodes) and im not making connections or anything im just drunk and spitballing and the episode really had some gnarly philosophical questions dinnit?
1. “If you think about a memory long enough, doesn’t that mutate the truth? Isn’t every act of remembering another log on the fire of lies?”
“You think awareness and manifestation are one and the same, don’t you?”
vs
“Could that [a crack] be an egg, or a twig, or a leg? Narrative is everything, isn’t it?”
An unreliable narrative is one of my favorite things in story telling. One of my favorite books has to do with the unreliability of memory, and how a distorted memory (from time, trauma, bias etc) comes to be the most accurate version each time you remember it. It gets watered down each time. I think its cool that Cecil is aware of that, and also that its understandably a huge point of distress for him. He’s constantly misremembering and eventually trying to decipher if what he feels or thinks is even real. Pulling things out of context often makes them seem crazy, when there is no narrative to connect them. Cecil’s job is literally to offer that narrative, but what happens when he can no longer supply a somewhat coherent one? What happens to Night Vale? Why does cat ballou not hold up anymore? also i love that cecil watches the movie on repeat (mentioned at some point) bc its like that thing about people who are anxious like to watch things theyve seen because its low stakes and you know whats gonna happen and you dont have to make space for new story or characters in your head?
IMAGINE PUTTING ON YOUR COMFORT MOVIE TO FIND THAT ITS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT???????? ouch
2.“When was the last time you saw your mother?…Did she lean over your sobbing face and ask you: ‘Why are you crying when you don’t even exist?’ Did she tell you again about the mirror?’”
vs
“What unholy monster [the one in the mirror] cries like a child, what does it want—Why won’t it stop?!”
“Did you ponder the idea that such a coat was so basic, [angrily] so unassuming, so without frill or feature that no one had ever thought to create it? [angrily, scarily] Do you want to know what’s in the drawer below the table?”
I like here, that these quotes are kind of like call and response within the episode. Cecil talks of his mother asking him why hes crying, and moments later Cecil wonders why the monster in the mirror is crying. His mother tells him he doesn’t exist (SO fucked up) and moments later he’s the angriest he is the whole episode (voice literally rumbling goddamN BALDWIN) talking about how something could be so unassuming that no one bothered to even spend the time or energy to make it. Didn’t think anybody would need it or want it. Why else would they include that angry thought about being so unneeded that the thought never even crossed a persons mind to make the thing? It it weren’t Cecil talking about himself? Panicking about his existence and if he’d ever been wanted or needed to the point of him being there for whoever does?
2. B —“You didn’t ask for any of this, did you? But what have you ever asked from the universe that you could not get yourself, and when has the universe ever obliged?”
c-carlos? Maybe is that one thing possibly, good, that has simply happened to cecil ??? (And Their SON??? Obviously but that wouldn’t have happened without carlos there) im just thinkin abt it
3. “What was it your mother said before she left home when you were a teenager?
Did she tell you she was an oracle?”
CECIL IS AN ORACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! LIKE I wrote a big long rant about wtnv 192 and now I listened to this episode and had a conniption when he mentioned her disdainfully being one. A mother telling a child they know them and who they are can feel like divine truth, and if they call you a monster and tell you that you don’t exist, then is it still divine truth? Is she still all knowing? Do you believe her because shes your mother and mothers know best?
4. Do you notice it wears black rings?”
Cecil says this of the monster in the mirror, and says this about the man digging into the tree in wtnv 192, and he thinks that that man is his father. BUT if the monster in the mirror is the cecil we know, who killed the mirror version of himself from another reality who was a teenager (as it’s been implied since cassettes and the intern anyways) then what does that imply???? oy vey
IN CONCLUSION : none of this is literally an essay about anything. Im just drunk on a sunday and put on night vale To fold clothes. i wonder if other people in night vale are as fragmented by the weird reality bubble they are in as cecil? he seems to be caught in the in between one foot in and out With cal and his father and sometimes knowing carlos and sometimes not and whatnot
ALSO AS A FUNNY SIDE BAR: IMAGINE BEING A PERSON IN NIGHT VALE maybe u just cooked dinner maybe ur taking a drive and the fucking local radio host is just having a manic episode with severe instances of unreality (in every sense of the word) on the radio ?????? i so deeply wish after weird episodes like these where cecil is just balling out in the disassociation soup that in the following episode someone would say something about it in passing like “yeah what WAS that the other night cecil? u know we can hear u when u do that right”
also in the REAL world like our world, cecil is a direct metaphor for ptsd, feelings of unreality brought on by anxiety, period of disassociation and just like the mental state being fragmented by trauma. Its like such a direct metaphor lmao.
also like the episode had everything and Cecil Baldwin really used the full command of his voice. truly bonkers, that he could pack so many different emotions into a 25 min spiraling monologue. it could have been so boring but he really organically (while still imploring Cecil palmers flare for radio host dramatics) had the full decadent range of delicious anger, fear, disdain, apathy, panic, disgust, demand, hollow joy, etc and that he sounds so BITTER at the end when he says “wont you have a good night, night vale?” it feels like such a slap to the listeners face because while we get to end the episode (and the town in the show), cecil palmer continues to writhe in these questions and worries and fears. Like it was SUCH a good way to end it.
—also all the funky sound design is so good and I like then warped version of the main theme! they should do more of that (tastefully)
if you’ve read this far godspeed and keep on trucking idk what the fuck was in that vodka lemonade but im wired
#all of this is MY OPINIONS not facts so dont be mean im just having fun#tell me your thoughts i want OLEASANT DISCOURSE#PLEASANT BEING KEY#Come chat with me about it and also anoht what the FUCK carlos’ role in night vale is and if its really him just being cecils husband#Wtnv#Welcome to night vale#thought tag#Wtnv spoilers
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carmen sandiego as the jatp soundtrack
actually yes i am going to combine my two favorite tv shows and you can’t stop me <33
now or never
“clocks move forward // but we don't get older, no”
“keep dreaming like we’re living forever // but live it like it’s now or never”
“and even if we hit the ground, we’ll keep flying”
this song just ??? *screams* carmen right after she escaped vile... her being so excited to explore the world and not caring about falling down and her enthusiasm to stop vile without really knowing what they’re like yet... yeah
wake up
“get out, get out, relight that spark”
“its not what you lost, its what you’ll gain”
“better wake those demons, look them in the eye”
this song has such jules vibes (jules is definitely julie in this hypothetical au... even besides the names its just so perfect), and besides the fact that julia’s mom is also dead (see necklace theory) jules finding this song and singing it would be so amazing i cannot handle this
this band is back
“we gotta get ready, cause its been years”
“can you hear me” “LOUD AND CLEAR”
team red singing this band is back is something that can actually be so personal...
bright
“life is a risk, but i will take it”
“we will fight to shine together, bright forever”
“together, i think that we can make it”
do i. do i really have to say how much julethief this is. the way they shine and work well together, the way everything they do is the epitome of a risk but they do it anyways, the way together they can stop vile. yeah i’ll stop now
flying solo
“my life, my life, would be real low, zero, flying solo”
“if somebody hurts you, im going to get hurt too”
yes i know this song is julie singing to flynn. in this au its jules singing to carmen (or vice versa idk) the amount of brainrot this au can hold... nobody mention stockholm but yeah it definitely fits and just. scream.
i got the music
“weight off my shoulders, dancing instead”
“can't stop the music // back inside my soul”
i don’t even have coherent reasoning for this one i just think we should get to see jules sing this song and have player rap flynn’s parts. as a treat <3
the other side of hollywood
“we could go make history or you could rest in peace”
“everything has got a price but happiness is free”
“the rain don’t blind the rising souls // they got too much to see”
we all agree that hgc is basically vile but more dramatic and less green, right? also ive been trying to think of which of the faculty would be caleb in this au... i’m guessing countess cleo is the only one who could really pull it off well? but yeah... tr getting stuck at the hgc would be so so good and painrot
finally free
“hearts on fire // we’re no liars // so we say what we wanna say”
“i wanna fly // come alive // watch me fly”
“i got a spark in me”
“been so long, and now we’re finally free”
“now till eternity”
this is the ultimate julethief song actually i will not shut up about it (hence the excess of quotes). just !! the way its abt them not hiding anymore, “now till eternity” with “transcends space and time” ... yeah sounds like canon to me 😋 there’s so so so much quality content in this song i love it so much and just. this with julethief ???? my heart can’t handle this kind of excitement
perfect harmony
“bittersweet love story about a girl”
“two worlds collide when i’m with you”
“we come to life when we’re in perfect harmony”
yes i know this was cs as jatp songs apparently somewhere along the line it dissolved into julethief but honestly are any of us surprised ??? its just so so perfect the way the lyrics describe them is just LGSHDAFLS “two worlds collide” (acme vs jules’s personal wants/desires) “in perfect harmony” *cough cought* did anyone mention the duane interview? no ‘they work in harmony even when they’re not in the same scenes” yeah practically the same thing !! (edit bc carmen pointed this out and i am screaming: perfect harmony is basically the tsonts dance scene and i cannot get over this)
edge of great
“running from the past, tripping on the now”
“what is lost can be found, its obvious”
“i believe that we’re just one dream // away from who we’re meant to be”
“we’re standing on the edge of great”
EDGE OF GREAT MY BELOVED !!! this song is SO iconic and you know whats even more iconic ??? the way it works so perfectly with carmen sandiego... carmen and jules post canon ?? 👀👀👀. i am looking at the lost/found line in particular for that but all of it works so so well (also side note but i would die if we got the classic juke nose scrunches with julethief actually)
unsaid emily
“i should have turned around // but i had too much pride”
“and write in every empty space the words “i love you” in replace”
“the words i most regret are the ones i never meant to leave // unsaid emily”
to be honest this is the song that stumped me the most? it would take a bit of canon reconfiguring- either we’re making brunt more sympathetic (ew) or carmen grew up with carlotta and then had a falling out ??? i think that would make more sense, especially with carmen trying so hard to find her again after 25 years (the timeline matches closer than expected actually 👀 ) this song is peak painrot so have fun with this besties <33
you got nothing to lose
“ain’t nothing quite like living on the edge”
“i’m chasing down a thrill, looking fit to kill”
“you got nothing to lose, boys”
this scene would be so terrifying actually like, we already got the dark!carmen trauma so watching caleb have the ability to manipulate her would just be ABSOLUTE painrot *distant screaming* also the way the offer would be so tempting to team red ?? just bc carmens whole life is living on the edge, chasing down thrills, and being unable to settle down but she stays for jules i. yeah im soft what about it
stand tall
“and it’s one, two, three, four times // i’ll try for one more night”
“whatever happens // even if i’m the last standing // imma stand tall”
“keep holding on, never look back”
“i keep going on when it’s all falling apart // yeah i know it with all my heart”
thinking thoughts... julethief post canon with this song.... yeah i would be decimated on impact just the way jules thought carmen left but CARMEN COMES BACK.... canon ? i dont know her <33
in conclusion julethief/cs jatp au supremaki besties ♥️
#carmen sandiego#you dont need to know anything abt jatp to actually read this KLSDFGDHKLFSAJ#it definitely enhances the experience though#jatp#julie and the phantoms#carulia#julethief#carmen x julia#did i just spend almost two hous on a post with a target audience of five (me included)? yes#yes i did#also i know i left out the dirty candi songs i love them so much i feel so bad but#a) i have no idea how they fit into this au yet#b) i simply do not have the energy anymore 😭#nova rambles
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