hsey,,, any plans for another gift exchange for spring?? For the rabbits and whatnot???

proooobably not? but i was maybe thinking of hosting another for holidays next year!

helloooo how are youuu!!

omg so real with rainbow dash and aj?? i saw this poll and she was the least liked and i was appalled how can someone NOT like applejack???????

im sure your gift receiver will love theirs!!

i mainly drink coffee for the caffeine andnrnsnf but i like the flavour too! id much rather drink a coffee with good flavour and not as much caffeine rather than one woth bad flavour but pure caffeine yk?

and fun fact!!! electric violins are a thing (but maybe you already knew that and i misunderstood?) theyre really cool sounding anything electric sounds awesome to me tho so maybe im biased akfjjrsjfj

okay three careers: id be a games designer, animator and an author! i want to pursue all of those in my one life but that seems unrealistic ajdjrjsjf i really wish i did have three lives to pursue each of them!! and your careers seem so cool!! my mums a teacher and she respects the ta's that help special needs kids so much!! and honestly i do too!! ooh medicine!! medicine was fascinating to me as a child i always either wanted to be a fashion designer or work in the medicine industry!! and we are SOOO twins with animating ajdjejsjf i love art and also yours is sooo good omg your velvette art>>>>>>>>>> akkdjejsd

for me!! dogss but im biased bc a) my mum had three dogs and my aunt has dogs and dogs in family so im used to being around them <3 and b) a dog didnt try to kill me!! (i will not elaborate ajdjrjsjfn) and omg your cats sound sooo cutee and i love how so many cat owners i know are like 'yeah shes unhelpful but shes cute!!' because honestly thats so valid ajdjrnsjfjr

oh yeah i totally get warm colours sorta stuff! my fav colours are either grey or lilac ajdjrjsjd so aksjdjsjd

hmm see this is hard because id love to control fire just bc itd look cool ajdjrjsjfj but also i think mainly air? bc if i hate someone i can just mess their hair up /j ksjdjejsjd but i think airs cool! but also lile fire because it looks cool but im biased bc im a fire sign so i think im supposed to be loyal to fire ajdjrnsnf but if i had to choose one, probably air! what about you?

and my question to you: what is the best compliment youve ever gotten and whats your fav way to spend a day off?

byeee!!!! this is so long sorry ajfjrndnf

-swiftie spring exchange anon

So first you don't need to apologise for length!! I love long messages XD

I think people like her the least because she's like..."normal"? She doesn't necessarily stand out as much as the others do, and I get the impression that makes people pay less attention to her :( But she's lovely!! She's a loyal friend, hardworking, and I love her family relationships too!! I'm super close to my siblings and love seeing those bonds in media XD

That makes sense!! I imagine coffee is like tea, wherein some is just like...a better taste. Okay sure I only do herbal tea, but some herbal teas are better than others XD

I did not know electric violins were a thing!! Worldview changing news right there. (sincere in a mildly hyperbolic way) I need to know what other electric instruments exist now however...I want an electric saxophone. Do those exist? I need to find out. (Okay turns out YES oh my god I love it. Some of them feel faintly cursed but that's ok I love a cursed instrument.)

It's cool how much we have in common X'D If you wanna keep talking post exchange I'd be up for that! Tbh at one point I too wanted to be a games designer...I tried to make a visual novel once. I did not have the patience for it. (It's funny cause my job requires a lot of patience, but then often I do not have patience?? I joke that my job uses up my patience but tbh I think it's just a different type of patience. Explaining concepts to a child repeatedly feels different from learning to code or play an instrument. I imagine there's many people who have the patience for the latter who would not for the former.)

I ALSO at one point wanted to go into fashion design - specifically, wedding dress designs!! I basically went from STEM careers to art careers then settled in education XD If I could do all three I would. But for now I'm satisfied with art as a hobby and education as a job. My mum also works with kids, but like, early years so before school aged XD I guess I sort of take after her in that regard.

Re: dogs and cats! My uncles both have dogs XD I think I'm kinda wary of dogs because I know many poorly trained dogs. But then like...one of my uncles has the most chill dog ever? Kinda a dumb dog too. They got burgled once and on camera they found that the dog had been awake and the burglar just stepped over the dog. She's just a very docile dog that doesn't feel a need to get worked up over things XD

I am very sorry about the cat trying to kill you tho!! Some cats can be vicious, to be fair. My two are very sweet thankfully - a black and white one who is 5 in October, and a tabby who turns 2 in May! The older one is generally more chill, she just likes to sleep and cuddle and judge others. And then the younger one wants to run around and cause trouble (nothing major, to be fair, worst she does is steal my post) and play all the time lol. She also wants to cuddle a lot, but she finds it hard to sit still long enough.

Fun fact I am making a pair of lilac trousers atm XD They're corduroy and I'm gonna add sequined hearts on afterwards.

Ooh which fire sign? I'm a scorpio XD I'd probably go for water. As a kid I wanted to do earth because I was a fan of Toph from ATLA, but I think I'd find water easier...am I looking at ATLA to decide? Yes. Yes I am. But yeah I think water! Also if I could control water I could swim maybe...

My favourite way to spend a day off is basically art, time with my sister (and friends, but usually I have to text because we live a few hours apart), and then a date with my gf. I like a bit of gaming too (found out Stardew Valley updated so been on that today after I finished work). It's also less energy consuming, so it's nice to use light gaming as a break inbetween art stuff. Providing it's single player games. I am extremely competitive when it's multiplayer, woops. My family and I once ended up contacting a monopoly helpline because my uncle and I got into such a debate over one of the rules lol. And as for compliment...not really sure? Sometimes I have people ask me where I got my clothes, or ask if I got them from specific brands, and that feels like a compliment because it means I made something that looks at least vaguely professional XD Honestly compliments on my art always make me happy. Oh, and compliments professionally - whenever a child or parent has positive things to say about me I'm like :D. I think I just like to know that others appreciate the things I can do? What about you??

My turn for a question...do you have a "bucket list" of sorts? Like are there any things you wanna do in life in particular? And do you think you'll get those things done?

What are some " Just Canadian Things" you can think of? Lol I'm curious, especially winter ones.

Going to a party and everybody putting their alcohol on the deck / back step because it'll chill it muucchh faster than any freezer ever could. 

The time between winter and spring called "Grey/Brown Sludge Season." 

When it's cold and you go inside or anywhere warm and your glasses do the fog up thing

Trying to text your friends or change your song when you're outside but your hands are numb so your phone doesn't care 

Your winter chore as a kid was always shoveling 

When you try to stop at a light but mother nature doesn't agree so you slide halfway through the intersection even though you were going 2.5 kilometers an hour and but everyone just accepts it because who hasn't been there? And if you haven't, your time is coming. 

I hope you didn't like those shoes because now they have Salt Stains

 Getting to your destination and having to take off like 2 layers of clothes or get changed completely into your 'people clothes' and not your 'oh my god it is -38 out there and I can feel .5 of my body' cold. 

When there's a huge snowfall in a short amount of time and everybody has an attitude more or less of "I'll get there when I get there I guess 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ lol." 

 Accepting and anticipating your classmates and coworkers that live outside the city to just physically not be able to come to sometimes 

The Unbelievable Unity that strikes any vicinity when somebody finds out you need to boost your car. Or all those sweet hockey dads and trades guys that always stop to help you dig your car out when you get stuck or to pull you out of the ditch. (For real: 2 year ago I was driving to Grand Prairie in a pretty heavy snowfall and we ended up hitting black ice and hitting the ditch. We called a for help but would take like 6 hours for somebody to come get us. We settled in the car and lit some candles to keep us warm and got some blankets to wait it out our next step when a huge pickup truck pulls up and like 4 dude hop out in overalls and shovels and are like 'oh yeah we work in a camp near here, we saw you go into the ditch and came to help you.' And we were out of there in like maybe 20 minutes. 

Slipping on ice and falling 19288383 times a month. 

The very specific 'Penguin Walk' that all Canadians seem to learn out of instinct or DNA. We had to teach the exchange students in my class how to do it so they wouldn't die lol 

Plugging your car in everynight 

Getting your tongue stuck to things all the fucking time as a kid until one day you took it too far so now you dont do that anymore

Almost dying on a toboggan and then going back up the hill to do it again 

Do Not Engage The Geese. I Repeat. Do Not Engage The Geese. Is he standing on your child? No, that's the goose' child now. Accept that it is letting you leave with your life and you need to accept that gift.

Getting Slurpies and ice caps even tho you haven't seen grass or fresh leaves for like 3 months and the air hurts your face 

When you put your dogs outside if they're too small you gotta watch them with like binoculars at the back door to see when you need to go be a Snow Lifeguard because they got too cold and their legs froze and now they cant walk. 

Your windows freeze shut & depending how well your house is insulated / heated and how cold it is outside you get just as much ice on the inside of the window as the outside.

Left your food in the car? Lol its chill, theyll be fine for another 2 months

 The Calming But Also Alarming Sensation Of Absolute Silence Right After It Snows 

Going for a nature walk as a kid hoping to find some cool rocks or something but finding a Bear instead

Remembering that you always misremember how big Moose are until you see another one and you're like OH     Y E A H 

The extinction of house hippos 

The true show of love is if somebody scrapes your windshield for you. Or pumps your gas 

Starting school/work when the sun is down and leaving school/work when the sun is down

You own, like, 19 jackets. Including a 'spring jacket' which apparently most people don't know of???? Idk 

Omg all of your halloween costumes as a kid always looking like a pile of pillows in a costume that fits super weird because your mom got your outfit like 4 sizes too big so you could fit your snowsuit underneath 

Referring to the United States of America as nothing but 'The US' 

The universal hateed of the Toronto Airport

Literally last week I did that thing where you throw warm water out of a cup into the air outside and it evaporates instantly

Co-workers you didnt even know worked there will offer you a ride home if somebody finds out your walking anywhere

Legit concern of frostbite (lol I got it on my ears in highschool when I got lost one day)

Taking your shoes off when you get to some public spaces (Doctors office's especially but I've seen it in other professions buildings because everybodys shoes are always so gross and wet and diry and have stuff sticking to them

Is this a lane? Is that a lane? Is this road one lane or two? I'll just guess

Poutine: Sold in every single place that serves food and is the ultimate drunk and hungover good

Getting really really excited when you find other Canadians outside of canada. Especially online (you know who you are 🥰🥰)

Gin's Journal Part 4

Under the fading light she approached me Pair of eyes made of gold enthroned emerald, the desert wind hides her words. She stops and gently tug my heart strings, revealing fate to be unveiled. Suddenly ten years passed... just like a rain in the middle of a spring.

-Written in the stillness of the Kugane summer night-

I once dreamed of calling her name in familiarity, then i would wake up. Dismissing it as mere flowers of thoughts. Until that sunset in Sagolii. In the middle of the casual conversation, she showed me the jade her mom gave her. Now coming from anyone else, i would ask them twice or probably suspect in disbelief...but at that time, as dusk fall over the desert the soft jade reflecting the light elaborates everything to me. Of ten years of searching Of cold night under the stars Of land foreign and visions of wonder

Yuuqi and me were at lost for words, she tries to find reasoning why her mother gave her the necklace. She had thought it is just a gift to hold on to until they meet again. For me it is the end of my journey, and i did not even dare to imagine it would end in this lifetime but nevertheless, the piece fits together perfectly. I was in shock i did not even consider how she might felt... The exchanged words after that were full of questions, apologetic words, and all the what if. I wonder if she realized that i never looked any other way from that point on, too entranced by the truth. On the other hand, the logical part of my mind manage to remind me that the person i am talking to is a Chieftess of a sovereign tribe. Fiancee or not. Thus, i address her as proper.

Yuuqi's parents send her and Caqi to Eorzea for their safety, from what it seems to still be unclear at that time. Whether from the encroaching Garlean influences, the politics of the steppe, or from an unknown danger. She and her sister had lived by themselves and working in various places before they decided to form the Uragshi. The clan's philosophy is to move forward. Tradition and old ways need to give room and ways toward newer ones if Xaela is to survive. I admire their resolve and often find myself drawn to their causes.

Having lived in Eorzea for a while, had changed Yuu's in many ways. Her views of marriage is one that includes love in it. She dont want to marry out of duty or forced feelings. To be honest, i would not want her to marry me just because of the promise between our parents. I admit i admire her a lot and as much as i want to deny it, i am started to get smitten with her. Her demeanor, the way she speaks, also her mind and ideas. We decided to explore more of this relationship. Giving chances for us to know each other and see if love can bloom from understanding.

The fact that i am accepting of the idea seems to calm her down a lot. I am glad that i was raised by my parents with principles, not to force our will towards others. I also believed that day if she were to marry me out of obligation then one day she might regret it and walk away. Perhaps maybe even blaming me and our parents for making such ridiculous promise. After the talk that night, i escort her back to the Uragshi encampment in La Noscea. We talked while watching the full moon on the way. Laughed at each other jokes and share the story of our parents. I hope to one day meet aunt Bolormaa and reunite her with mother.

A few days after our meeting, Chief Algun approached me to talk about that item he recovered in Gridania. I tried to dissuade the man but he remains adamant on his path. The same day, Yuuqi came to the encampment. She is leaving on the same day to Othard and was asking if i want to come. In reality, i have had already packed. Planning to ask if it would be fine by her clan if i camped outside of their border. Unconsciously the thought of me staying far from her somehow makes me uncomfortable. I grabbed my belonging and within a few hours i am onboard a ship sailing to far away Kugane. Perhaps if luck would have it, the Uragshi may return to the steppe and i can accompany them. I wonder how my parents and siblings are doing?.

The first few days were sunny and smooth sailing. I spoke with Yuuqi and get to know her some more. Most of the Uragshi are staying below the deck since they are not feeling well. After a few days sailing, we started to enter the Jade sea and into the Storm Corridor. It was raining for few days and the sailing was rocky and dangerous, i tried to help the crew as much as possible. Yuuqi and her sisters stayed below deck for their own safety, i myself are used somewhat from the many ventures over the five seas. When the ship stabilize somewhat, the Uragshi come out of their cabin. I converse with them and it is also where i was introduced to Yuuqi's twin sister, Khatun Qurcaqi, her wife Sarnai and another woman named Sara.

Khatun Qurcaqi have a sharp tongue and a no-nonsense attitude. A trait that is needed from a leader like the other leaders i have met before. I have to admit, sometimes she left me wondering if she dissaprove of my advance to Yuuqi but i learn to admire her straightforwardness. Her ways of joking is sometimes beyond my grasp and i learn to take her words both seriously but at the same time thinking of possibility if it could be a joke? she still baffles me sometimes. Sarnai gives me good impression the first time i met her, she is calm and understanding. She also wanted to test me in a fight as soon as we have chance to do so. As former Jhungid, i will need to win her approval to court Yuuqi and to prove my worth to the Uragshi through this test. The last member, Sara, teased me somewhat. While i do not dislike her i also have no fondness towards her. The best feeling i can describe is neutrality.

Sara asked me several questions to reveal my intention, to which i replied honestly. From the first impression, it looks like they are still wary at me and my intention to court Yuuqi. It is completely normal and i would not feel oppressed nor will it stop my effort. Midway into the conversation, i had to leave the group to speak with Malqir un Dash. Our host who allowed us to sail with him to Kugane. I discussed with him the current situation and the route that we may possibly take, advising him to stay away from Sirensong sea. Dash is not a stranger to traveling and he concurs with me, he also informed me that we are skirting the outside border of the same sea. Perhaps it explains why i keep hearing a sad song from afar? they said the spirit of the dead haunt the sea and creature of darkness inhabit the water.

Just as i was about to join the Uragshi again to continue the conversation, i heard a loud splash and a shout mentioning someone went overboard. I rush to the location on the ship and found a little girl crying, pointing to the sea where a Xaela boy is fighting for his life. Bobbing amidst the violent water. I look around and all i saw was hesitation....noone want to risk their life to save the boy of course. In that slim moment, i saw the crying girl and somehow she reminds me of my youngest sister Bolormaa. My mind was saying that this is foolish and going to be the death of me, on the other hand my conscience clearly told me that if its my brother down there, i would not hesitate to jump in.

The water was cold...yet it feels slimy and tepid when i jumped in to save the boy. At first he violently struggle, however after i reminded him that his sister is aboard the ship waiting for him to come back alive it somehow calmed him. The next thing i know was the people pointing to something on the water and my instinct told me we are not alone in this water. I started to swim towards the ship when Khatun Qurcaqi thrown a rope. Grabbing to it, i immediately climbed up just as something tries to snatch me and the boy out of the sea. Coming on deck, i faced a very furious woman. She was half my size and beautiful as her sister, but i can still remember my head ringing from her backhanded slap. I did not protest as i knew my actions were foolish. If time were to be turned back however, i would still jump in to save the boy. From the story i heard, it seems that the boy name is Nergui and his sister is Sara. They stowed away from Eorzea to return to Othard. Orphan as they are, they were following their mother's last words to seek their birth tribe. The Arulaq.

Khatun Qurcaqi was furious at the drunken sailor who didnt watch Nergui and caused him to fall down to the sea. He was beaten to an inch of his life by her before given over to the ship security to be punished.

The rest of the journey was smooth, nearing the end of our trip, i had a talk with Yuuqi under a full moon. I told her about the little girl in my dreams that always shown me where to go and she would reveal to me her gift of Aethersong. She is able to hear the very sound of the Aether itself and dub it the Aethersong. She was worried i might think she's going mad but in contrary, i truly believed she has a wonderful gift. I tried to encourage her to learn more of it and this seems to make her happy. I realize i love watching Yuuqi smiles. We spent the rest of the night watching the dance of the wavekin, talking about life and her previous lover. She was hurt and grieving deeply from the lost love. Her last lover chooses his shield and duty over her, not to mention he is a Miqo'te and seems to be difficult to gain approval of the entire clan because of this.

I feel sympathy for her, not pity, because i know she is a strong woman who decides to carve her own path onwards after that harrowing experience. However, most notably i also feel a pang of feeling that makes breathing a bit difficult and i find my hand grasping on the railing a bit too hard and i realize this happens every time she talks fondly of the man. Could it be the first sign of jealousy? but i was no one to her at that time, if not for the Jade. With this fact, i suppress such feelings because i have no right to be jealous other from the reason that it is improper that i feel that way when she herself is still hurt deeply by the breakup. We said goodbye that night, i took her hand and we walked around the ship before i escorted her to her cabin.

The next morning, i woke up hearing the sound of the gulls. From afar, the archipelago of Hingashi beckons...with the peak of Tenzan volcano steaming from afar. We have finally arrived...

[TIME SENSITIVE / URGENT] toxic friend

i kno u guys must get like thousands of messages and im so sorry for cluttering ur inbox and pushing this to the front of the line but im just. desperate and really scared and i need to know what 2 do abt this as soon as possible!!! also as a preface i apologize in advance if some of the way i word things in this come off as offensive or incorrect, etc - i truly, genuinely do not mean any harm so please feel free to correct me if i say something that isnt okay!!! also this is REALLY scattered and mega long so bear with me im really sorry! (also im so. so scared the person in question is gonna see this o H MY GOD so i may need to message this blog again asking for this post to be taken down maybe bc im really paranoid im so sorry!! i hope thats ok but i just dont want to risk her seeing this if this all blows up in my face ohrkjdghkjghfdgj!!!) (TW: SUICIDE MENTION, SELF HARM MENTION)

ok so. almost 2 years ago in early 2016 this girl i’d never met before drew me this incredible gift art for my birthday. we started talking and we found out we have a lot of things in common - we both draw and write, we’re just a few months apart from each other in age, we have similar interests and fandoms, n we live less than an hour away from each other and are one state away from one another - so we immediately hit it off n became super close friends. she was amazingly talented n super friendly and nice n stuff so i wanted 2 be friends w her anyways!!!!! @ the time she was in an online relationship with someone several years older than her who lived across the country, and she mentioned a few times she was feeling unhappy and insecure in that relationship and that long distance was really difficult but she was too devoted to her partner to break it off. the most important thing 2 note is that my friend has several severe untreated mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd among others), regularly self harms, and is suicidal. im pretty sure im neurotypical (or at least i definitely am not suicidal / depressed, etc), so while i couldnt relate to a lot of the things she was going through, i always tried to be a listening ear to her and give her advice / support when i could because i knew she was going through a lot of rough stuff. she told me she doesnt have any friends in real life, her parents are separated and her family does not support her or even really know / care about her mental health, and she can’t access any professional help from teachers / counselors / therapists due to her severe anxiety and financial issues for some of the latter options listed. as her relationship with her partner began to crumble, i started bearing a lot of the weight of her struggles - she would vent to me and i would always have to be there for her to support her. i told myself that because she was mentally ill and didnt have any support i would take on that role so she wouldnt have to suffer. over the summer of 2016 she almost attempted suicide like…. twice??? and i talked her out of it and it was terrifying and really exhaustimg to constantly be worried about her.

then almost a year ago, in the winter of 2016, she started getting… clingy? we started talking a lot more and i didnt really get like any bad vibes from her but we were pretty much joined @ the hip and stuff and we started telling each other all of our secrets (so this is when i found out her relationship with her girlfriend was starting to crumble, which i didnt previously know) also she started constantly drawing me stuff??? like Drowning me in gift art and i felt really bad for not being able to reciprocate but she told me not to worry and that she used art as a coping method and stuff. at this time, i was going through some stuff too - obviously not as severe as depression / self harming, etc, but i had just gotten out of an almost-relationship with someone i knew from school, and i was doing my best to distance myself from romance in general since i didnt feel mature or confident enough to be in a romantic relationship yet. i told my friend that i was uncomfortable about the prospect of being in a romantic relationship and she seemed to understand.

anyways right around my birthday this year she revealed to me that she was madly in love with me (???!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?). mind you we had never even talked to each other / video called or ANything like that and we had only sent each other One (1) selfie and. it made me really uncomfortable because she said that like i was her moon and stars and her whole world and everything and she constantly dreamed of me??? and that she had been secretly like writing me love poetry and drawing me Even More Art i didnt even know about and…… it was. really overwhelming. it bothered me for so many reasons besides the fact that we had never communicated outside of like chatting / sending messages back nd forth like…. ok she was still in that long distance relationship at the time even though it was crumbling, and she KNEW!!! that i was uncomfortable about romance but she told me anyways and stuff!!!!!! and AHHH it was just really bad. so i panicked over it for a day or two because i was scared that if i Firmly Said No that she would spiral into a depressive episode and actually fatally harm this time but i wrote her this huge long letter letting her down very, very, VERY gently and apologizing for ever leading her on and stuff. and. she never actually wrote back to that letter or told me that it was okay???? which….. should have been a red flag 2 me but. we moved on as friends even though we did this conscious of the fact that she still loved me like that and i didnt feel the same way. looking back on it i regret it so much because i told her that like i would Always Be There For Her Forever and stuff and??? gfkjhgk yeah it wasnt a good time.

its been almost a year since then. in the spring i got my first smartphone and we added each other on a lot of social media stuff including snapchat and moved all our conversations there, then we decided to call each other and exchange phone numbers and see how that worked. i didnt really think much of it and was excited to hear her voice and have a conversation with her but…….. suddenly that one call turned into two and two turned into three and within a few weeks we were calling each other like All The Time (at least once a week if not more) and like making these really fucking elaborate schedules to call each other????? WHICH LIKE i dont think is a normal thing friends do idk if im wrong but!!!!! i literally call None of my other friends except for her, and a lot of that is bc i actually get really anxious and uncomfortable talking on the phone?? (also not to mention my mom doesnt really like me talking on the phone either….) but i never really told her that it made me uncomf or that it was difficult to mnge like i guess it just kinda.. Happened and became the norm. so now on top of constantly messaging each other multiple times a day now we were calling frequently too and there was suddenly a lot more pressure in our relationship because i had to stress out over making a large amount of time in my day to talk to her. i graduated high school this spring and having to balance the extreme emotional load of that major change with like… suddenly having to fall all over myself to make time to talk to this girl i didnt even really know?? was just really bad and i regret it so much because i feel like i missed out on fully experiencing it i guess. im really really passive and im TERRIFIED of confrontation and i dont like saying no to people or telling them if im uncomfortable because They Will Get Mad At Me and it was especially worse bc of my friend’s mental health and so she and i would talk for hours on end because i was afraid that if i got tired and ended the conversation without a legitimate excuse she would get mad at me and hurt herself. since we could fit way more conversation into like… long long hours of talking and talking, we ended up like. just telling each other literally Everything and she “eventually” fell out of love with me and started trying to meet people who she actually knew irl to date!! which was. kinda good bc she met this one girl and they hit it off but then it turns out she was just….. queerbaiting my friend??? which Sucked so that obviously didnt work out. and then she met another girl on this dating app and they started going out and my friend started talking to me less for a little while. it turns out though……. that my friend’s new girlfriend lives in my town??? like i dont know her but bc of that my friend and i almost met in person bc the two of them met up and went out together and stuff and they were gonna drop by and see me but that didnt work out. im getting off topic here but my point is……… she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore and she started seeing other people.

sadly she and her gf recently broke up. their relationship was also really unhealthy just like…… All Of Her Relationships and that other girl broke up with my friend because she said she needed space (she was depressed too and needed to recover and my friend was being too clingy and attention seeking and stuff so she just ended it in the middle of the night over text.) ofc ive stuck around for all of this and my friend has vented about every tiny detail of this relationship to me and its…. been So Stressful. now that shes single again she’s more depressed than ever - over the summer when she was dating that other girl she stopped self harming but she started again when their relationship started going south and now im really scared she’s gonna hurt herself, esp bc she tried to commit suicide again a few months ago which was terrifying. also another thing thats made me REALLY uncomfortable!!!!!!!! is that she Keeps Bringing Up the fact that she was in love with me whenever we talk on the phone??? like Every Single Time We Talk, Without Fail. even when she was talking abt her new gf with me sh was like. comparing her attraction to her gf to her attraction to Me and talking abt how they were similar and different and. i never had the guts to tell her it bothered me but god it just does So So Much!!!!! because we were never in a real relationship and she doesnt even really know me KDSJFHKHGAHHH im rambling so much this makes no sense at all and this is so long im so sorry ahhhh but im… Stressed!

so….. we’re running up on two years since we’ve met and one year since she told me she loved me. im in college now and she’s still in high school, and she’ll be i college next year too. again, i dont think that im depressed or mentally ill, but ive been struggling a LOT with the adjustment from hs to college and its been really really rough on me emotionally. now that my friend is single she’s been solely relying on me and trying to get me to call her multiple times a week because she needs the extra support now that she doesnt have her girlfriend anymore… but she doesnt seem to understand that i i just dont have enough time or energy to give all of myself to her and fall all over myself to make her feel better, especially when i already feel suffocated by her to begin with AND when im suppposed to be starting this new life and putting all of my focus into that. we’re mutuals on every single social media i have and i feel like im constantly being crushed by guilt whenever i do anything for myself or post stuff bc she can see what im doing constantly. and like she asked me to turn my read receipts on when we started moving from snapchat to texting and i have them turned off regularly so i did and it was really uncomfortable. i keep bending myself over backwards to mke sure im making her happy bc im all she has left.

neither of us have good relationships with our moms and so we’re always sneaking around to call each other and lately ive been calling her at school because obviously my mom isnt there and its less of a hassle to sneak around her and and talk……. but its a double edged sword bc i keep having to isolate myself and skip clubs / studying / hanging out with friends and socializing to talk to her and listen to her vent and its just so exhausting and i feel like im starting to seriously fall behind in other areas of my life im supposed to be getting better in. its hard enough adjusting to this and missing high school and stuff and trying to learn how to be an adult and be independent, and having her weight over my shoulders just is making things so much worse. but if i tell her that she’s choking me she’ll hurt herself (she’s literally said to me, Multiple Times (and recently!!!) that if it werent for me she’d be dead by now or she would kill herself and stuff and im the only thing she’s living for at this point. which. i dont know how to feel about that). i feel so trapped and i can’t say or do anything that indicates that im uncomfortable because she’ll get mad at me and make these passive agressive little side comments or do these alarmed emoticons and stuff or give me the silent treatment for a day or two (which is always scary bc like its Good when she’s not talking to me but when she doesnt im scared that something horrible happened to her!!!!!) and its just. god. ive started lying to her and coming up with fake excuses to get out of calling her because the thought of having to go isolate myself in these empty courtyards or nooks and crannies of my college campus is growing more and more uncomfortable and terrifying to me and i just cant fucking be honest about it because i suck. when i talk on the phone with her i have to be really fake and smiley and stuff and all she does is ramble about how horrible things are going for her and then i have to try and give advice when i just am so bad at talking and socializing already and im dealing w my own stuff and its… Awful. im so so weighed down by this nd i know that if she knew she’s being a…. b*rden to me right now she would be devastated and harm herself and stuff so i cant say anything and im spiraling out of control with THI s but you get the point im just really uncomfortable Always!!!! and i feel like my own emotions are completely 100000% inferior to hers because she’s gone through so much more than me and stuff???? and idk if thats True or if its just the way i feel but i just cant do anything around her bc shes like a ticking time bomb and anything i feel or try to do to protect myself from getting hurt will be selfish bc shes hurting way mre than me!!!!!!!!

anyways her birthday just happened a couple weeks ago and i bought her a tiny present and drew her somehting (i felt super guilty about not doing More for it though because shes done so much for me and also literally nobody except me remembered her birthday, not even really her own family). i havent mailed it to her yet (i told her i would send it this weekend, which is why this is marked as urgent) but we just exchanged addresses for the first time so now she not only knows my name, my age, what i look like, my Entire Backstory Ft. My Deepest Darkest Secrets, and how to reach me whenever she wants wherever she wants, but now she knows Exactly where i live and where i go to school too lol yay!!! anyways im getting really really anxious because i just had my midterms for college and didnt talk to her for an entire week last week but this happened right after her gf broke up with her and i think shes mad at me for taking a week off of talking to her. we were gonna call again today but i weaseled my way out of it bc it was so overwhelming and now i have to mail her this gift this weekend and my mom and other fmily members are all yelling at me about it and demanding that i just like…. Not Send It To Her because i dont owe her anything and tht i should just cut her off but if i do she’ll hurt herself nd she follows me everywhere and knows all of my secrets and stuff and idk im just scared that if i end our friendship she’ll try to ruin my life!!!! Like i dont think she would be petty like that or turn people against me or anything but she’s so obsessed with giving all of herself to other people nd she’s literally said she cant function without being 100000% devoted to somebody and like even after she’s broken up with all these other girls she still…. is obsessed with them and angsts over them and stuff and she does that with me even though i never even dated her or anything aND ITS JUST bad

like. idk i just really needed to get all of that out and im sorry it was so so so long and i dont even know what to do but i guess i marked this urgent because like. do i send her the present???? should i try to just like quietly distance myself from her real subtly so she wont notice or should i just straight up tell her that i cant breathe around her anymore and i just. really need space??? or like to not be friends anymore even though we know everything about each other??? am i being manipulated or is it jsut All In My Head that our relationship is toxic??? like idk if i shoud even cut her off completely or aNYTHING or if we could like even go on being just acquaintances from now on and saying hi to each other from time to time. and i feel so mean and bad for writin all of thisstuff about her when i know shses so vulnerable and i havent concretely communicated Any discomfort around her so if she saw this she would immediately know it was about her and do something Terrible to herself nd she constantly spams me with memes about depression and wanting to die and like…. blows up my phone with like 50 text messages at once and its just so so so much to worry about and i!!! just!!!!!! cant function like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!

anyways that was a huge disorganized mess and im kinda shaking and i dont even think i got all of it down or communicated how trapped and helpless i feel. ive never been in any situation like this before and i hate that she’s…. yeah. she’s really like manipulated me and stuff and i dont know how to get out of it. every time i think about it i feel like bursting into tears because im just so stuck and i dont even know if the way im feeling is even valid or if its all just lke. in my head or something and this is how friends really are Supposed to be because ive never really had a great social life either and my best friends are honestly my brother and sister and they mean everything to me and so i have friends outside of my family but like idk i never like. really was that close with any of them nad stuff nad idk this isnt about me BUT i just uhhh. am kinda crying a little bit and im sorry fo rbeig a big baby about all of this its all my fault for being a Human Doormat and letting people walk all over me nd tellin myself that i can bear that weight when i really have never taken good care of myself before Ever In My Life and stuff. but anyways im gonna stop rambling now and just… to whoever reads this or responds to this or whatever just thank you for hearing me out even if you think im wrong / crazy / Terrible for feeling this way because it just has been so much and i dont know what to do.

Hey there!

There's a lot going on here, but the bottom line seems to be this; you're in a friendship that you don't want to be in, and that you feel is unhealthy for you.

You are not her therapist. You can't fix her, you can't treat her, you can support her, but that's it. You aren't responsible for her. You're forcing yourself to put all this time and energy into something that you're super uncomfortable with, and don't want to be doing, and it's draining you and destroying your own mental health. You have to put yourself first. It's okay to want to help people, but you HAVE to put yourself first, or else you'll burn out and you won't be able to help anybody.

At the very least, you need to talk to her about how you're feeling, and tell her you need to tone down your relationship. What's happening absolutely isn't fair to you. All you can do to help her is your best, and right now, you're not doing your best because you're not taking care of yourself.

I know you're concerned about her hurting herself or killing herself, but you have to understand that you are not responsible for her. If she does something to herself, it's not as a result of your actions. She's traumatized and mentally ill, and those factors are what causes her to hurt herself. Not you. You are not and can not be responsible for her. Period. If she tells you she's going to kill herself or severely hurt herself, you have her address. Call 911 and ask them to dispatch help to her house. She might hate you for it, but an angry person is far, far better than a dead person. That action very well might save her life, and get her the help that she needs, so don't be afraid to do it.

As for the present, it's totally up to you. You did promise it to her, and fulfilling that promise might help you let her down a little bit more gently. At the same time, giving her a permanent reminder of you could hurt her. Maybe you should ask her? Tell her about how you're feeling and that you can't keep going with this intense of a relationship, and have a conversation about that. During that conversation, you could ask if she still wants the present. She might get angry, or it could help soothe her, or maybe she'll have a totally different reaction. It's hard to know.

This conversation is going to be super, super hard. It's going to be hell, quite frankly. She's a super sensitive person, and she's probably not going to take it well. So remember what I said before, about her not being your responsibility, and do a LOT of self care working up to the conversation and after the conversation. I'd recommend making a self care kit, and putting things in it that help calm you down. My personal self care kit contains nice smelling lotion, soft fabric, stuff to play with, gum, tea bags, and notes from friends reminding me that they love me. You could also be texting a friend during the conversation, so that they can reassure you and help talk you through it.

You may not be going through the same things she is, but your feelings and your struggles are valid. You don't need to destroy yourself to help someone that's "worse" than you are. You need to take care of yourself, and keep yourself as healthy as possible. You aren't any less valuable simply because you're not traumatized or self harming. Your mental health is important, and you need to do what's right for you.

I hope this helps!

♥ - Fawn