#i can't go to the doctors because they'll weigh me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

beatrixstonehill2 · 3 months

Text

"A lot of people ask me, 'Chloe, what's the hottest part of being a pregnant trans girl?' And I mean, there are a lot of things! First of all, my womb is technically State property, so I have no say in if I get pregnant or not. Every time my uterus is ready I'm inseminated via a small port on my side, after lots of fertility drugs, of course, which are part of my hrt routine. I'd say, though, my favorite thing is the uncertainty of birth...... My port has a tracking device. So all of my checkups and any medical-related stuff happens compulsorily wherever I am. They pull up, take off my clothes, measure me, weigh me, take breast milk samples, semen samples, ask me embarrassing questions about how often I'm having sex, masturbating, if I'm letting men smack my belly during intercourse and if not, why not?

So I can be out on a date or at work or in line at the grocery store and they'll come up to me and do this whole checkup as everyone watches, filming, gossiping about it, and my body.... It's so humiliating, having my clothes removed, or sometimes even cut off of me with scissors, as the nurses and doctors only talk to each other and never me. I just have to obey as they touch and poke my body, grabbing me, openly talking about my growth and stuff..... I can only talk if they ask me questions like 'How many men have you fucked this week?' or 'Are you engaging in any extreme bondage?' or 'Are you using drugs while you prostitute?' I then have to explain that I don't prostitute myself and they don't believe me..... Well, I mean..... OK I hook sometimes but not all the time! It's just a hobby......

Then of course they weigh me and ask me stuff like how fat I'm trying to get..... again, more loaded fetish questions..... They take milk samples as another nurse jerks me off for a semen sample. When they're done they give me a nice spank and go on their merry way, leaving me still in line or at a restaurant on a date, naked, hugely pregnant, totally embarrassed.... But of course, the real answer to the initial question is obvious.... The hottest thing? I wasn't given any way to give birth naturally, so like a growing amount of trans girls I don't get the pleasure of giving birth anally or urethrally...... I'm given C-Sections...... no matter where I am, just like my checkups.

Last time I had a guy over and I was riding him, my cock on his chest getting absolutely smashed to hell by my giant pregnant belly every time I pumped down on him. It was pure bliss, some of the best sex I had that whole week! When...... the doctor came in. They have a key because my womb is State property, so they can enter my place whenever...... They told us not to worry or bother interrupting ourselves. So I mindlessly rode his cock and he had the time of his life watching this unfold, as they smeared my belly with numbing gel and, yepppp....... And every time I slowed down they told me it was a routine retrieval, that my time was up for this pregnancy, to not 'be dramatic' and stop what I was doing....

We both came so many times, we were exhausted by the end, because after we came they'd smack my ass and tell me to keep riding. I covered his chest in so much cum, it was glorious! My balls legit felt ready to pop, picture it.... My big hips, riding a guy anally, my balls were on his groin getting smashed under the weight of my belly, full of quintuplets with every pump and thrust..... My scrotum was bruised for a week, which guys just found hot..... They slapped this gel on my incision after my babies were taken out (again, State property!), and my whole Caesarian scar was healed in like a day. Not that they bothered to line it up with my other three Caesarian scars, so my belly is gorgeous but it kinda looks like people are taking a samurai sword to my belly when I'm full term. Wait, don't give them any ideas..... Kidding! I love being a breeder for the State! And I can't wait to see how many kids get pulled out of my belly this time.... I'll try to fuck as much as I can when I'm full term, so hopefully I get to give another guy the ride of his life! ❤️"

#pregnant trans #pregnant mtf #pregnant kink #pregnant nsft #extreme kink #medical kink

137 notes · View notes

cloud-player · 2 months

Text

Deathbeds - ratiorine drabble

Song Fic - Bring Me The Horizon: Deathbeds

The words hit Veritas' heart like a hundred shards of ever-frozen ice. This was the plan, he had to remind himself. He told you to do this. He doesn't mean it.

"Ratio, you wretch."

And yet, somehow the hurt in Aventurine's colorful eyes were truthful. Genuine. So fucking honest that Veritas had to look away and fix his gaze on a ridiculously empty bookshelf in Sunday's room.

Aventurine... Veritas clenched his fists. He really didn't like the way Sunday talked down on the IPC ambassador. Demeaning, disrespectful. Sunday talked to Aventurine like he would talk to a disgusting amalgamation of cells, and it made Veritas want to tear the wings off Sunday's head.

The irony-- a symbol of good on an evil control freak.

His chest weighed heavier with every moment that passed, with every obviously badly-crafted bluff Aventurine grits out. Veritas wished he could reach out and take Aventurine's shaking hands. Hold them in Veritas' slightly larger ones, shield Aventurine like he always shielded everyone else but himself.

Why, dear gambler? Please, stay. For once, please just stay.

Veritas never thought he could become enamored or interested by anything other than knowledge and spreading it, but he could then start listing the things that made his heart pound and his stomach flip embarrassingly.

Deft fingers toying with a poker chip. Plump lips curling into devious lipcurls. Soft blonde hair. Purple and cyan eyes framed flatteringly by long lashes. Aventurine, basically.

And on my deathbed, all I'll see is you.

Aventurine had told him of his goal-- and that he will have almost zero chances of making it back alive. Veritas had let his demeanor slip, dropping the teacup Aventurine had served him some tea in.

His dearest gambler just smiled sadly. The life may leave my lungs, but my heart will stay with you. Aventurine then slowly leaned forward to press their lips together.

The waves will pull us under. "Please don't beg me to reconsider, Doctor." Aventurine pleaded as Veritas responded to the kiss, hands shaking as they clutched for dear life onto Veritas' shirt. "Because I might actually... I can't, Veritas. Please."

Don't try to fight the storm, you'll tumble overboard. Veritas didn't respond, though maybe he should have. Maybe he should have gotten down on his knees, begged for Aventurine to just... run. Run with him. Fuck the IPC, they'll figure it out.

But the mission held something more personal for Aventurine, hence why he went all-in. This was more than just Veritas' feelings for Aventurine. He had no right to fight for Aventurine in this story.

Looking back, maybe Aventurine wanted Veritas to fight. Ratio, you wretch. Maybe Aventurine wanted him to try, to hold onto his hand and drag him away from the gamble for his life. Maybe.

And as Veritas handed him his Doctor's Note, he noted Aventurine's hands shaked even more than usual. The light on his colorful irises dimmed.

Do stay alive. Please stay alive.

He didn't know if Aventurine read or will ever get to read the note. All Veritas could do was hide his hurt and watch Aventurine's figure slowly become smaller.

And as he watched the light on the aventurine stone in the IPC go out, Veritas had to hold on the table in front of him. Gripped it too tightly that it dented. His eyes felt hot and his vision blurred. He wanted to turn his head and be greeted by a smug smile, a green jacket and the smell of expensive perfume and whiskey.

That little kiss you stole, it hurt my heart and soul-- and like a deer in the headlights, I meet my fate.

Aventurine ventured into the Nihility, and he took Veritas' heart with him.

Veritas didn't know if it was possible for a person to live while missing half of their heart and soul, but he will try. Tides will bring me back to you. One way or the other, he will meet Aventurine again.

In life or in Nihility, it will depend on his dearest gambler's luck.

#honkai star rail #hsr drabble #hsr aventurine #hsr dr ratio #veritas ratio #aventurine #ratiorine drabble #ratiorine #aventio #cloudnotes

38 notes · View notes

tinnifast · 7 months

Text

Food log, 11/6: 1 can of soup (130), 1 bag of cheetos (330), 1 probiotic shake (130)

I weighed myself this morning and... 167.4. Two ounces less than the weigh-in I settled on yesterday, except this time, I didn't get like ten different weights. 167.4 was legitimately the only weight I got no matter where I put the scale on the floor or how many times I took the batteries in and out. I still haven't taken any laxatives mostly because my digestive system is already fucked and I don't want to risk worsening it with laxative abuse, so no matter how tempting it is, I generally save laxatives for when it's been days without a BM and it's causing pain or for when I've had a super large meal/binge. This entry is longer and rantier than usual, so the rest is below the cut (sorry lol)

I'm frustrated that I gained after hitting 167.0 and that it's probably going to take a good portion of the week to get below that again, but I'm trying to stay motivated no matter how tempting it is to just give up and binge. Reminding myself that the first ten pounds were really easy and that from here, it's going to be a lot slower and a lot more difficult- and that my weight will fluctuate, and that it's okay, and that I can't retaliate by 100% starving myself because 1) I'm chronically ill and it WILL cause me to faint/be hospitalized again, and 2) my metabolism will crash.

Also, logistically, I'm wanting to get to 160 by the end of the month. I was 170 at the start of the month so I've already made some progress. If I can just get that scale to even touch 165 by the 15th, which is more than a week, I'm pretty much set- and I know I can do it.

As I mentioned earlier this week, I have another doctor's appointment. Last time I weighed myself on their scale in October I was 176-ish. I can't decline the weigh-ins without seeming suspicious but I weighed myself with a ton of clothes on and am still only at 170. It's not even been 3 weeks since that appointment so I'm afraid they'll comment on the sudden, rapid weight loss but I'm going to try to bulk up on water and high volume/low cal food to get to 174+ with clothes on before the appointment. Also gonna weigh in with my wallet and phone in hand.

Wish me luck at my appointment, and PLEASE for the love of God manifest a big drop for me tomorrow, because if I don't get underneath 167.0 in the next day or two I think I am actually going to lose my mind lol

-tinni💙

#ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeren #pro a4a #4n0r3xia #pro4ana #tw ed diet #tw ana diary #tw restrictive ed #a4a diary #ana trigger #tw illness #tw disordered eating

12 notes · View notes

writer-of-various · 2 months

Text

Drownin' In The Rain

Chapter II / Tank

A heavy sigh left the young boy's lips once he stepped into the small apartment he called home, his eyes landing on the numerous beer bottles and cigarette butts littering the stained carpet. He expertly maneuvered around the trash, careful with the broken pieces of glass as he practically tiptoed to his room, setting his backpack down on his bed before walking back out and grabbing the broom and dustpan. He cleaned up the mess with an empty expression, taking the full trash bag out of the trashcan and about to tie it to take it out to the dumpster when the front door slammed open and his already drunken out sauntered in, her dark, glazed over eyes landing on him with disgust.

"I always forget I have someone waiting at home for me." She slurs out, looking behind her and the boy straightens up, his blood running cold when a really sketchy guy walks in after his aunt, his eyes immediately falling on him. "Roy, this is Tommy, my nephew. Don't mind him, he won't disturb us. Right, Tommy?"

Tommy swallows the lump in his throat and gives a curt nod, "Yes ma'am."

His aunt smiled, something predatory, "Good boy. Take that out, then go to your room, I don't want to see you out here again."

"Yes ma'am." Tommy repeats, quick to leave the apartment and he feels pathetic when tears sting the edges of his eyelids, wishing he can just run away from the horror that was about to unfold. But he couldn't. His aunt Jenny needed him, and he had nowhere to go. Sometimes he wished he could blame his parents for getting themselves involved in serious crime, but he knew they did it for him. They had no money, they were trying their hardest to give him a better life and he's thankful. He could only pray to them tonight once again, hoping they'll hear him and save him from another night of abuse.

"Faggot." That name, the way Lev Kravchenko stared him down with a gleaming glare, like that bastard knew what went on at home. He didn't. Tommy never wanted any of this.

××

The next morning, Tommy weighed his options. Go to school, or do what every other teenager does and ditch. The latter option sounded better, he wanted to ditch because his body ached and he felt embarrassed to show up at school wearing his aunt's sunglasses to cover the marks he couldn't hide with makeup. But he's team captain of the football team, and ditching can cost him that title. He couldn't risk it, being put as team captain really saves his ass. Although he couldn't help but feel guilty, his best bud, Peter, had gotten a severe injury after a game and he won't ever be able to play again. Tommy would admit he cried a lot that day, Peter's family always took him in and Peter was just...he was there for Tommy when he needed him. They've been friends since elementary school, and Peter always protected him. But he moved after the injury so he can live closer to all the doctors he needed and Tommy had cried a lot that day too. He could feel the warmth Peter radiated, his charming smile as he embraced Tommy and promised to visit the soonest he can, the promise that after high school they can finally be free.

It's been six months, and Tommy can't help but feel like he's been played. It wouldn't have been the first time it happened, but Peter felt different, he was the only person he could trust.

Somehow, Tommy found himself in front of the high school and rolled his eyes, walking inside and forcing himself to relax as he walked into his second hell. He saw Kravchenko and cursed, instantly ducking into a random classroom and started to close the door when a deep voice spooked him.

"What's got you so jumpy?" Tommy turns around and sees a tall boy staring at him, a large history book in his hands as his piercing blue eyes try staring into his soul. Tommy averts his gaze, suddenly feeling very small and vulnerable and even more embarrassed.

"Nothing. I just thought this was my class..." He knew the excuse was lame, and the other boy knew that too, but he played along and gave him a small smile.

"I can help you find your actual class if you want," the boy offered and Tommy nodded, exhaling shakily as he moved out of the class and watched as the boy set the book down on the empty teacher's desk and walked out into the hall with him. They walked in silence, Tommy feeling eyes on him but for some reason, the presence of the other teenager made him feel...safer. Too bad it won't last for long, when the boy stops in front of his math class and gives him that same smile, but it seems to reach his blue eyes this time.

"I'm Nikolai Belinksi," He reaches out and Tommy flinches, his mind screaming at him when Nikolai frowns and retracts his hand carefully. "It was nice meeting you officially, Tommy." With that, he leaves Tommy standing alone with his intruding thoughts. Fuck, he screwed up bad this time.

×××

"Hey Tak–"

"Whatever you're going to ask, no." Takeo Masaki gave him a look, once that had Tommy frowning and sitting across from him.

"Hey man, you don't even know what I was going to ask you!"

Takeo made a noise, "That's the point, Tank. Why are you wearing those...things."

Tank, such a strong and brave, albeit silly, nickname that Peter gave him during middle school and it has stuck since then. It made Tommy feel better about himself, although lately he was anything but a tank.

"These things are sunglasses, even if fugly. I didn't get much sleep last night, some asshole's dog wouldn't shut up." Tank says with a shrug, purposely avoiding the look of disbelief his best friend gave him but he also chooses not to say anything either, knowing the other teen would refuse any "allegations."

"Are you ready for Mr. Monty's test?" Takeo asks, and Tank groans, slumping in his seat and shaking his head.

"Fuck no, man. That dude wants us all to fail!" Tank complains and Takeo nods, face suddenly solemn.

"He's not the best teacher. But even if I fail this, I am still a disappointment to my family." Takeo mumbles, and Tank sits up and scoots closer to his friend, patting his back comfortingly.

"Hey, screw your family, Tak. Just because you don't want to join the military doesn't give them the excuse to treat you like shit. You have your own life to live, we're entering the 21st century soon, man! Things ought to change, for us. We can't be in the shadows anymore." Takeo smiles and nods, nudging Tank gently.

"Do you tell yourself that?"

Tank thinks for a moment, and when he opens his mouth to lie, Takeo gives him that look again. "No...I don't."

"Then I'll tell you, screw your family. You don't have to be burdened by them forever, you're smart and strong, you should never do something you don't want to do."

Tank gives him a smile, something small that reaches his eyes, trying to ignore the way his heart pounded against his chest as he imagined himself running away from this hellhole. To be free.

"I heard you punched Kravchenko," Takeo speaks up after a moment of silence, and Tank nods. "We should leave then."

"Wh–" "Dempsey!" Before he can react, he's forced out of his seat and slammed against the table, his already bruised abdomen screaming at the pain. He sees Takeo stand, yelling at Kravchenko to leave him alone or else, but two other guys come up and surround him, warning him to not get involved.

Tank is turned around and he glares up at the quarterback, squaring his shoulders as he prepares himself for a fight.

"You fucking thought you can get away with this? You're fucking trailer park trash, Tommy." Kravchenko spat and Tank growls, moving to punch him when the bigger teen grabs his wrist in a bone crushing grasp and punches him in the jaw, the force knocking his head to the side and forcing the sunglasses to fall. He hears everyone gasping, he can heat the chanting, even with the ringing. He doesn't hear a familiar deep voice, he barely registers being freed and he doesn't fucking see Nikolai Belinski beating the crap out of Kravchenko. He grabs his bag and runs out of the cafeteria, shock eating at him as the same thing runs through his mind like a broken record.

Everyone saw the bruises. Everyone saw how weak and pathetic he is. Everyone fucking saw.

He can't go to the apartment, he has nowhere to go. He walks out to the field and goes to the bleachers, throwing his bag on the ground and letting his tears fall as he grabs his hair harshly.

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck!" He whispers, his blood running so cold it feels like he has no skin or muscle to protect his blood vessels.

"Lev Kravchenko is a sorry excuse for a man." A soft voice speaks behind him and he whips around, eyes widening at the sight of a pretty girl he recognizes from some of his classes. "Here," she tosses a cloth to him and a water bottle, but he can only hold the items and stare at her with confusion. She sighs, motioning him to sit and he does so, her figure kneeling in front of him and taking the cloth and water. She pours water on the cloth and wrings out the excess water, holding it up to his face and staring into his eyes.

"Can I?" He nods, and she gently presses it against the corner of his mouth, frowning as he winces from the sting. "Did you get him back worse?"

"Uh...no. I don't know what happened...it was all so fast."

"There you are. Lilja, thank you," Tank looks up and sees Nikolai standing there, out of breath and holding his left hand close to his chest and Tank sees the bloodied knuckles and immediately looks down, guilt eating at him.

"I take it you got him?" Lilja turns her head to look at the other boy and Nikolai gives her a charming grin.

"Of course, I've been waiting to fuck him up for a while. Tommy, do you need to see the nurse?" Nikolai turns his attention back on him and Tank shakes his head, giving Lilja a thankful smile when she nods her head and puts away the cloth.

"No, I'll be fine. I just...I just don't know what to do now. Wait– where's Tak? Is he okay?"

"Of course I am. You worry too much," Takeo comes out from the other side of the bleacher and Tank smiles, his face heating up at the last sentence.

"The staff will be looking for us." Nikolai murmurs, that grin slipping from his face upon realizing that they can get in trouble. He shares a look with Lilja, who shrugs and grabs her backpack the exact time the bell rings.

"I wasn't involved, Nikolai." She says, her eyes staring down at the older teen and he nods, grabbing her hand and holding it.

"Thank you for helping. I'll make sure you aren't mentioned," He looks at Tank, who nods and makes a zipping motion in front of his lips.

"Mine are sealed."

Lilja nods, "Good. I'll see you later."

She walks off without another word and Tank watches her go with a smile, oblivious to the look Nikolai gave him as he turns his attention to Takeo.

"Remember how I said screw your family?" He says, and Takeo nods. "Let's ditch, man." He turns to Nikolai and holds out a hand, "You in too?"

Nikolai and Takeo share a look before grinning, patting Tank on the back as they race over to the fence at the end of the field and hopping over it.

Screw everyone, Tank Dempsey is going to be free one way or another.

#tank dempsey #nikolai belinski #lilja alekov #takeo masaki #edward richtofen #call of duty #cod zombies #my oc #high school au #primis crew

4 notes · View notes

vixenbydestroyboys · 7 days

Text

omg guys I think it might be time to download Yazio again.. idk if theres better apps, but yeah

I might weigh myself for the first time in like... a year? maybe longer? I'm not sure

I still will not post stats on this page, I know I still need to remake my other account, I just am so lazy tbh

I might call my old doctor and ask to be put on anoretics again. she did it when I told her not to because I struggle with an 3D, but I took myself off them cuz it was expensive. so I'm sure shed do it in a heartbeat if I actually asked. she always said that my weight was better when I was 4n4rexic anyways .

I just want to be small. for once. I was called the hulk in elementary, even by my teachers. I've always been, objectively, huge. I just.

I just .. need to have control. I want to be respected. idk. this is the only way I know how to lose weight

I'm disabled and can't really exercise besides sit ups or crunches. I would swim but uh. we all know what side of Tumblr I'm on, can't really go to the pool a ton.

idk man. I just want to be as frail as I feel. I'm tired of being the butt of the joke, the one people look over, doctors ignoring everything that's wrong with me. I want to be able to buy clothes in person, I want to be able to wear things I see other people wear and look nice. I want to be respected off bat, and not have people doubt me because of my size. I want to stop being the size people fear so much they'd rather k!ll themselves than look like me. I want to stop being the thing people fear so badly they'll ruin their lives and health just to avoid the possibility of looking like me. Ive never had that before, not once in my life.

I just need those p!lls and to cut down on everything. in middleschool I lived off mints and milk for months. I can do that again

I can do that again

and this time it can work.

#988blr

2 notes · View notes

confessionspace · 4 months

Note

I have two partners, and all three of us are trans. I'm a trans man, my girlfriend is a trans woman, and my boyfriend is nonbinary.

I love them both dearly, but there's been so much happening this past year, and it's really hard on all of us.

My boyfriend has a movement disorder, the doctors say is Functional Neurological Disorder, but my partners believe it's something else.

Will, with the FND comes painful muscle spasms, twitches if you will. These twitches get exponentially worse with stress and the muscle spasms have caused his muscles (esp his back muscles) to be very tight. Tight to the point of pulling his spine out of alignment.

My girlfriend, who lives with him, has been helping the best she can. This ranges from popping his back to giving massages to keeping things calm.

Unfortunately, the place they're living has been kind of up in the air on if they can live there anymore. So within the next two weeks or so, they're planning on moving a state away.

I'm the only one of us who has a job. I'm also the only one of us doing any secondary education. I can't leave this city, mostly due to my schooling. I'm a culinary major so my classes have to be in person.

I'm so torn up about them moving, but I can't afford to support them and I still live with my mom, who can't afford it either. They say they'll come back for me, but I don't know how realistic that is.

I'm doing my best to support them emotionally, but I'm exhausted. This has been getting worse and worse for the past year and I'm scared I'm going to fall out of love with one or both of them because of all this stress.

This has been weighing on me on top of my other obligations and I'm on the precipice of burnout. I don't know what to do anymore.

Submitted February 7, 2024.

#confessions #confession #confess

6 notes · View notes

sadfoxskeleton · 1 year

Text

Not eating today because I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I know they'll weigh me.

Even though my appointment has nothing to do with my weight... I know they'll shame me if I gain anything. She told me I should be losing weight faster than one pound a month. And I'm pretty sure it's gonna show that I gained at least 2 pounds since I was there a month ago..... Honestly just want to cancel the appointment all together but I really need a medication refill and I can't get it unless I go to the appointment -_____- Please send help

0 notes

horce-divorce · 2 years

Text

yeah AND ANOTHER THING--

yk how I have met sooo many doctors and specialists over the last 10 years, and have had so many trips to the ER and so many awful, invasive tests done, all to no conclusion (until recently)

EVERY SINGLE ONE of those doctors (with 2!!! individual exceptions!!! who I can list by name for this reason!!!) - every single one would do 1 test, throw up their hands, and say, "IDK You look normal but You Do Have Anxiety Though... Anxiety Can Cause Tummy Troubles You Know... Anxiety Can Cause Pain You Know...." etc.

despite all that they still refused to give me anything stronger than buspirone FOR THE ANXIETY. that supposedly is causing all of this unbearable trauma and pain in my body constantly 24/7 that I've been begging for help with for decades. yes. the anxiety that we're going to blame it all on and then just blatantly not fucking treat, at all. you keep coming into my office complaining of every fucking thing under the sun and i keep telling you it's anxiety and yet you keep coming back here! what you want me to fix it now too! thats YOUR job! it's called CBT!

they did give me xanax rx once but it was fucking LAUGHABLE. I still cant get over it. like if i think about this too much I actually get so fucking pissed off I can't. I can't. 1. my friend's dog got a higher dose than me, no joke. literally. a dog. who weighed less than me. was given a higher prescription for her fucking xanax than I was. by a human doctor. for the problem that supposedly fully disabled me. and 2. THEY WANTED ME TO TAKE THE XANAX EVERY SINGLE DAY ON A SCHEUDLE DJSKFLHHJASKHRFEJWH

that is literally. not. what. xanax. is. FOR!!!! and yet because of schedules and liabilities and shit that is how they determine that you need your own drugs and you aren't just selling them. so if you really need your xanax you better use it completely incorrectly, or that proves you dont really need it and we're taking it away. (not to mention the useless fucking pills she had me on that left me with neurological damage, but I digress)

it's not lost on me that, of all of the basic, run-of-the-mill, standardized testing they can do on patients (blood work, physical, mental health eval)... the anxiety eval is the lowest bar. they give it to everyone because you can fill it out in the waiting room. they do not delve into deeper causes of said anxiety or send you to a therapist or a psychologist or even a trauma informed counselor who might actually be better qualified to prescribe something for you. it's a very, very basic eval they can give to anyone to then say, "Well, idk about all that other stuff, but you did say you were anxious. Let me get you some pills for that."

Like absolutely part of why they never wanted to move on to different types of testing or less conventional diagnoses unless I really advocated for myself, absolutely part of the reason they didnt think I needed another diagnosis, was because the anxiety eval was already right there and is the perfect fucking scapegoat. it does indeed fuck up your body and it is indeed true that most people have it, yknow. and for insurance companies it sure would be WAY more convenient if less people had medical issues beyond anxiety that needed treatment....!!! I'm just fucking saying!!!!! (again to my point about "CBT/fixing anxiety is your job as the patient"!!)

anyway effectively they blamed everything on my anxiety for decades and then still refused to treat that supposed cause. this shit I'm going through with MALS is not new.

im just pointing out, to anyone who is feeling woeful because you dont have a diagnosis and you feel that's why nobody is taking you seriously: i promise you it's not the fact that you're undiagnosed that makes people treat you that way. I can assure you they'll continue to ignore you, infantilize you, and tell you it's "just anxiety" EVEN AFTER you secure that diagnosis.

because the real reasons they are not taking you seriously are actually because of 1. ableism and 2. insurance companies, and neither of that's gonna change when you find your dx. if anything it gets even worse. truly you may as well just diagnose yourself if for NO OTHER REASON than the fact that you are already doing more work than all of your doctors combined to figure out whats wrong with you and how to treat it, just by virtue of having to live with whatever you have going on. and that's simply how it's always going to be, so. godspeed

#me #medical stuff #ableism

0 notes

buckys-little-hoe · 4 years

Text

We’ll meet again | Platonic!Avengers x Reader

Pairing: Platonic!Avengers x Reader

Summary: No matter when and where, you always sing the same song, so your teammates ask themselves why you sing that song. The answer shocks them.

Warnings: Angst. Mentions of car accident and death.

A/N: It’s a little bit different from the other things. Hope you’ll still enjoy it! :)

—

You hum a song quietly as you fold your laundry together. You are standing in the laundry room right now because your favorite shirt got dirty. You were walking earlier and Sam had pushed you into the mud. The smell of detergent is in the air. You enjoy the calm, no annoying teammates who put their curious noses into your affairs. You put your cell phone on the dryer and pull the headphones out of your ears. You digress with your thoughts as you put sock after sock together. "Let's say goodbye with a smile, dear. Just for a while, dear. We must part. Don't let this parting upset you. I'll not forget you, sweetheart.” Your voice is gentle and has something mesmerizing.

Bucky also notices this, sneaking up as always. It is a habit that he cannot take off. That's why you don't notice him. Once again, the former assassin is grateful for his quiet steps. "We'll meet again. Don't know where. Don't know when. But I know we'll meet again some sunny day.” Without any worries you continue singing while he leans against the bare wall with a smile. He knows the song, he is sure of it. When he went to war, his colleagues with a relationship had been serenaded by their girlfriends. It was comforting if someone would not return. Quite sad actually, the more he thought about it. "Keep smiling through. Just like you always do. ‘Till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away." You put your shirt in the basket and pick it up. When you turn around, you almost get a heart attack.

Bucky stands before you with a bright smile. "I like your voice, doll," he says with honesty and your cheeks turn red. Oh god, that’s embarrassing. The thoughts shoot through your head. "Uh ... thanks Bucky," you reply shyly and disappear through the open door.

—

"So will you please say hello, to the folks that I know. Tell them I won't be long. They'll be happy to know that as you saw me go. I was singing this song.” Your voice echoes through the ventilation shafts. Clint lies on the cool metal and listens to your voice with his eyes closed. You are taking a shower and Clint was actually on the way to his hidden nest, but your singing stopped him. You would never find out that he had been listening. What did the archer have to lose? It's not the first time he's eavesdropping on his teammates. But with you, there is something else. He just can't stop listening. Your voice expresses so much sadness and hope that he can only wonder what had happened. Why do you sing it with so much feeling? But right now he's just enjoying the song. He doesn't know it. It sounds older. He likes the text.

"We'll meet again. Don't know where. Don't know when. But I know we'll meet again some sunny day. “, You sing with your eyes closed. The water runs over your naked body and the heat loosens a few knots. You take the shower so warm that even the window and mirror are fogged up. Will the pain go away at some point?

"So you want please say hello. To the folks that I know. Tell them I won't be long. They'll be happy to know. That as you saw me go. I was singin 'this song.” You stand with your back to your teammates. You're preparing dinner tonight. Your friends are all sitting in the living room.

"I love her voice, but why does she always sing the same song?" Steve asks after a pleasant silence in which they could only hear your singing.

"I thought only I have noticed." Sam shrugs. Natasha rolls her eyes and pushes him off the couch. Bucky looks at her gratefully and she gives him two thumbs up.

“Maybe you just have to make wishes like to the DJ," Tony sarcastically puzzles. Now everyone is rolling their eyes in annoyance.

"I assume it's Lady Y/N's favorite song," Thor intervenes. Wanda nods in agreement.

"We'll meet again. Don't know where. Don't know when. But I know we'll meet again some sunny day. “ You finish the song quietly and add the sauce to the noodles.

"Maybe she has a deeper connection to the song," Bruce says. Tony shakes his head.

"I think you are interpreting too much into it, Dr. Banner. “, Vision says and everyone is muttering now.

"The food is ready!" You call with a smile and interrupt the discussion. Everyone gets up and goes into the dining room. After eating, everyone stays seated with a full belly. It is exceptionally quiet. This almost never happens when all Avengers are present.

"Y/N, we wanted to ask you something," Natasha says after a moment's hesitation. Your heart stops. Did you do something wrong? Didn't it taste good?

"Yes?" You try to keep your nervous tremors under control and you can do it.

"Why do you always sing the same song?" Clint asks, falling into the house with the door. You sigh quietly and try to smile, but it doesn't reach your eyes. Your heart weighs heavily and you blink the tears away.

“Back then I was in the car with my parents on the way to school. Unlike any other day, my mother went with us because my father wanted to drive her to the doctor who was on the way. Vera Lynn’s We’ll meet again was playing on the radio. I was angry with my parents because I was afraid to be late to school. My father wanted to drive her there anyway.” You take a deep breath. It's okay, you can do it. You can talk about it. "So we were arguing. My father stopped concentrating on the street and we got involved in an accident. The song didn't stop playing. Unfortunately, I did not pass out. Instead, I heard the song and saw my dead parents for about five minutes.” You finish your story and look into the faces of your comrades. During your story, the color was gone from their faces. Clint regrets asking. "The song helps me to remember that I'll see them again someday. That at some point I will have the chance to apologize. “, You explain.

Bucky, who is sitting next to you, takes your hand into his and squeezes it once. "They forgave you long ago, I'm sure of that," Thor says with an encouraging smile. He too had lost his mother after an argument. If anyone can empathize with the pain, it's him.

"It'll get easier," Steve assures you.

He's right. It will get easier. It just takes time.

178 notes · View notes

confusedinfj · 6 years

Text

The INFJ'S Guidebook to People: Spotting Entps

So you've tried typing by the letters and by the cognitive functions. Now you're looking to verify your typing makes sense. What are some key attritubes you should be looking for...?

A real entp is...

Not super Extraverted. Like enfps, their first function isn't about people, it's about possibilities.

Able to be mistyped as an Extraverted thinker. They like to 'think' out loud, or so it seems. They're actually just showing off. Alternatively, you're hearing their Ne. You'll be able tell the difference if you ask them for their opinion and then realise how much quieter they are.

Afraid of upsetting people. Can be easily manipulated on occasion.

Not sure of what they're feeling. Able to be convinced they're feeling anything.

Able to be excited about anything. Tell them they'd make a good doctor and watch them plan their lives as a doctor.

Usually highly intelligent.

Involved in way too many things at once.

Probably stressed because of all the things they're doing.

Accidentally flirting with everyone. They love banter, so it doesn't mean they actually like the person they're flirting with. Unlikely to lead someone on though because it's obviously playful.

Bad at remembering things. Able to throw a tantrum and then forget they did it.

Annoying. Probably the most annoying of the types in that everyone finds them annoying.

A sticky beak. They have FOMO bad.

Kind hearted. Even when they're annoying they mean well.

Liked by everyone.

Loyal.

Fond of a good bargain.

Not fussy. Happy to sleep on a bed off the side of the road.

Fussy. Just because their headphones are broken doesn't mean they're going to get new ones. They're still the best headphones ever. Also, their clothes may be all over the floor, but don't you dare put them back in the wrong spot.

Pretty happy and oblivious as kids. They often get in trouble for arguing, and then make it worse by arguing why they shouldn't get in trouble.

Rational. They like weighing up pros and cons and using reason to determine the best cause of action (Ti)

Romantic. Entps see so many possibilities and prefer not to filter their dreams through logic. You'll find that your entp friend probably has hundreds of romantic dreams they're keeping to themselves, whether it's running a farm or ruling the world.

Kind of lonely. Like enfps, most people like them, but they don't really have any close friends.

A dangerous driver. They like to speed and will justify their speeding. Just for my husband's sake, I would like to point out that it's not just him. I have another entp friend who likes to drive at 200km/h on Freeways, and another who ruins a car every other month. I actually can't believe all entps aren't dead because of their bad driving.

Sadly, a natural lawyer. They will argue about anything as if they're in a court of law, even personal matters.

Probably not aware that they're lonely.

Blunt without realising it. May really upset you without trying.

Often not aware of people being mean to them. People often mistakenly think they're patient when they are just oblivious.

Oblivious. Probably won't notice they upset you. You'll need to tell them. They will try to argue it away, so you'll need to be forthright. When they finally understand how upset you were they'll probably cry. Tertiary Fe being triggered brings on tears.

Usually pretty easy to calm down if they are stressed or crying. Since they're still rationals they like advice when they're upset.

Over defensive. Entps are often oblivious when people are mean to them, but they're also not good at telling when you're NOT being mean to them. This leads them to take offence at random things and be overly defensive about it because they feel attacked.

Messy and disorganised. Usually clean. Likely to obsessively organise one drawer when stressed, ignoring the rest of their messy house (inferior Si).

Good at taking constructive criticism. Or just criticism. Entps genuinely want to grow personally.

Argumentative. But more in a bickering kind of style, in that they just LOVE arguing about anything for no good reason. Tip: if an entp starts arguing over something stupid with you, tell them they're arguing. They will argue they're not and won't even realise the irony for a good five minutes. 😂

Usually quiet.

LOUD. there is no in-between for an entp. They get louder as they get more excited and happy.

Always working on some strange puzzle.

Sometimes creating weird puzzles. For example, my husband went through a stage where everything he would put in the calendar was in some code. The only problem was when he forgot one or two of them I had no clue what he had meant either. (and when I say code, it was like, 'I have the dentist on Monday. The dentist's name is Gordon, like the tank engine, and Gordon the tank engine is green. Green reminds me of lettuce, which is in the story of rapunzel. So imma write down rapunzel).

Soft. Even if they don't cry in public, they might tear up easily.

Big criers.

A type that naturally seems to have a bit of adhd.

A good judge of character. Sometimes they can be over optimistic though, because they really want to like everyone.

Suddenly overwhelmed. Entps will take on more and more AND MORE until... MELT DOWN. This looks like tears and losing track of everything all at once. May bring about spectacular failure if damage control doesn't occur quickly.

Things an entp might say...

'that's a cute dog. I'd like to get a dog one day. What kind of dog should I get? I don't know, I don't know any dog breeds. I think I'd name it Harold though. Only if it was a boy. Otherwise it would be Charlie...' or any other stream of consciousness monologue (Ne)

Anything that baits you into a debate. Eg, 'isn't it great how Trump wants to build a wall?'

Anything that baits you into bickering. Eg, 'I didn't say that'.

'I don't know', with regards to their opinion or feelings. This is a bad sign if it is followed by a pause, because it means they do know, they just don't want to tell you. If they really don't know it will be followed by a list of potential reasons.

'You say I annoyed you at precisely 2.15 pm. If this is the case, then why did you laugh at my joke at 2.16pm?' or any other legal speak during a personal argument.

'Do you know Hitler introduced a similar law to the one I'm breaking now? This law is evil and I don't have to follow it for that reason' or similar.

An extremely ambitious ambition such as, 'one day I'll own the moon'

Anything sad said cheerfully. For example, my husband once cheerfully told me about his friend in grade five. He finished with, 'anyway, he's dead now'.

A story that they've started half way through. They forgot the first half was in their head.

Anything annoying.

Something sweet with heart eyes.

An example of a rational but romantic entp - Tom Holland

#the infj's guidebook to people #mbti #entp #spotting entps #finn wolfhard #celebrity mbti

367 notes · View notes

broken-hearted-butterfly · 2 years

Text

Moving through a depressive episode and feeling the sheer weight of everything beginning to stack up. I slipped on the stairs and only injured a toe, but that may have been enough to break it and I walk with a noticeable slight limp now. I can't go for walks in the evening and can only try to keep it elevated while I wait to see if the massive bruise will fade out on its own. Putting my potential personal mall trip and grocery shopping on hold for an unspecified amount of time, even with a grocery store only a 15 minute walk away. Frustrated I can't even do that, realizing what kind of view I have of myself and my pain, and how long I've disregarded it for my family, downplaying it in the complete opposite of hypochondria.

My sibling is back in contact with me, and we speak for a bit almost every night. And I'm realizing that part of what I've been feeling is guilt. We were children, I was a traumatized neurodivergent mentally ill child, there was nothing I could've done, but I still feel as though I've failed as a sibling. I was never there to protect them when it mattered most (I could barely protect myself) and then I left, with them still there (practically no different from how it already was). The last thing I said to them in person was "I'm sorry". Slowly forging a relationship with my own sibling as practical adults because we never had that. We were practically pitted against one another as children, I was the favored child initially, then the focus shifted to them as I bore the bigger brunt of the abuse. They're still there and they'll still be there, my god what have I done? Put on my own mask before assisting someone else, I can't be of any help if I'm not alive, it was the right thing to do, the correct path to take, I can't save everyone, but I'm believing that I'm grappling with guilt over how it had to happen.

I have to call a nutritionist, I have to get my health insurance under my own name so it can't be held over my head anymore, we have to boil water to do dishes because of the water maintenence, I may have to see a doctor about my injury, I'm so tired all the time now and my self care is slipping, I'm barely eating or drinking, I cried in front of a roommate earlier, I'd say I'm isolating but between the job and irregular sleeping schedules of my roommates I feel like I barely see them anyways. I don't even know if I fully understand what I'm feeling or where it's coming from. Thinking of guilt sent a wave of deep set sadness through me, so I'm weighing it as a possibility, but I feel like I don't know. I had a thought earlier, but lost it and its associated emotions under the music my roommate had on, mouthing the lyrics, I don't want to hear sound nor do I want to see anyone. I need to do so much but between general executive dysfunction and what may be a fear of becoming physically healthy (as well as disdain for not knowing how long it will take), it feels so much more difficult than it is.

These tasks are difficult for me, especially given my circumstances, and it would make sense to celebrate what I've been able to do, in spite of everything, but it feels like celebrating a bare minimum.

It isn't that I'm suddenly being revealed to be a sham who is more disabled than initially thought, I'm not lying or exaggerating. I think I've always been like this, I just got very good at ignoring my own pain and fear and what I'm experiencing now is simply the aftermath.

#🦋💕.txt

0 notes