#i can’t convey also how very very real and terrifying the space dreams are
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so ok. i have ptsd and i have nightmares. i take a medication for ptsd nightmares and it does not help. the wild thing is i strictly dream about having to go to space and needing a special dual mask to breathe and i can’t engage it in time and slowly freeze from the inside out while suffocating. if it’s not that i’m dealing with forced hospitalization (which does make sense), or being forced to go underground or in water which are two very big big fears of mine. those make sense! i’ve never been to space or died! so what the fuck.
#my psych asks what kind of dreams they are and i feel like a tool#telling her those. like thank god i’m not having flashback assault dreams anymore#i don’t think about my own mortality that much either#i’m not like. scared to die or ready or any of that. ambivalent#maybe a lil scared. since i’m having these dreams i guess#but i don’t know! i don’t understand! no one has answers#because no one has my brain but me! goddamn#i can’t convey also how very very real and terrifying the space dreams are#like i’m begging pleading with people to not send me#or i bypass all that and am already getting ready to launch#i wake up crying sometimes! drenched in sweat every time#like it feels like the end of the world every single night
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YELL 2 ME ABT SAKUATSU FIC RECS PLS
oh boy. oh boy do i have much to talk about
here’s a list of my sakuatsu must-reads under the cut! complete with links, word count, ratings, and occasional commentary because i’m incapable of shutting up. this isn’t in any particular order either
(keeping this sfw and organized into canonverse/AUs. a * means i am on my hands and knees begging for you to read this)
i’ll try to update this somewhat regularly :]
most recently updated august 25, 2020!
canonverse:
*your highs and lows (series) by astroeulogy
a post-time skip canonverse series born from these two questions:
1. what if sakusa kiyoomi, known too-blunt jerk, is equally straightforward about his soft, tender feelings?
2. what if miya atsumu, resident big fat jerk who doesn't care if his teammates hate him, is too emotionally stunted to notice when his one of his teammates actually likes him?
this is like the sakuatsu series but it’s blasphemous to not recommend. the first fic in the series is all that you were (4.6k, T). mind the ratings on a few of the fics, but my personal favorite is #3: a masterpiece of domesticity called you have tamed me (5.7k, T). these make me ACHE
*sakuatsu domesticity simulator by pseudoanalytics (T)
a vaguely interactive mixture of fic, art, and html, where you too can experience the inherent romance of a big fat jerk and a too-blunt jerk attempting intimacy
this fic...this fic...op is literally one of my favorite artists of all time but Did You Know that their writing is also off the charts. what a wonderful use of second person and the pacing is so good. too much skill in one person
*The MSBY Black Jackals Read Thirst Tweets by isaksara (11.4k, M)
Sakusa’s eyes are very dark naturally, sucking in all surrounding rays of light and crushing them in his pupils. For an athlete, he is rather pale. His lips look very pink in comparison. Atsumu is suddenly catastrophically aware that in this instance, ‘accent’ is a euphemism. “Good enough for your Olympic-size ego, Miya?”
(In which Atsumu realizes that he is attracted to Sakusa Kiyoomi in the most inconvenient way possible.)
i think this is the fic that got me into sakuatsu in the first place lol i was looking very specifically for msby socmed fics and now here we are. this fic is unbelievably funny
*liminal spaces by hhatsuna (25.9k, T)
Fuck you, Atsumu thinks, pointing at the pixelated Sakusa in the grainy team photo on his bedside table.
It’s easier than you’d think to ignore loving your teammate.
*Better For Us Both by abrandnewheart (15.7k, M)
Where “You already make me the happiest guy alive, babe," gives way to, “I’ve not been happy for a while now.”
Alternatively known as the ‘mug fic’.
yes this is a breakup fic. yes im going to recommend it anyway. breakup fics usually scare me a lot but this one is too good for me to not say anything about. nuanced and delicious. i look at the mug on my desk and feel pain
dog eat dog eat dog world by perennials (8.4k, T)
You are your first and only line of defense against the universe.
Koi no Yokan; 恋の予感 by ymra (15.3k, unrated)
Wherein Sakusa dreams of his future selves and discovers a little something along the way.
autumn ends, but we remain by wolfsbvne (5.3k, T)
atsumu stares at his ceiling at 2am. he stares until he can make out designs in his popcorn ceiling. a cat there, an onigiri here, and then something that suspiciously looks like a mop of hair, triangle eyebrows, and oh those two bumps are moles right above what atsumu just mapped out as an eye.
(or, atsumu is in kind of in love. sakusa is maybe in like.)
your fingertips, branding irons by Ceryna (5.8k, T)
Between the accidental touches he's reconciled, the deliberate ones he's endured, and, from those he's built years of trust with, obliged– Kiyoomi has never wanted to let someone indulge.
Never, until Atsumu.
take what’s yours and make it mine by claudusdiei (5.9k, T)
atsumu falls in love four times in his life
(or: in which atsumu gets his heart broken twice, has the self-awareness of a sober mule and really likes yellow tulips)
every action has an equal and opposite reaction by akanemnida (10.4k, T)
Miya Atsumu gets a modeling contract with Calvin Klein, which sets Kiyoomi's heart in motion.
(Or: Sakusa Kiyoomi realizes that the rules governing the universe are absolute rubbish at explaining matters of the heart.)
*where i want to be by tookumade (8.8k, G)
In the time they’ve been teammates at the MSBY Black Jackals, Sakusa has never been to Atsumu’s place, and Atsumu has only been to Sakusa’s a few times. There’s an unspoken understanding here: that Atsumu knows him well enough to know that nobody’s house or apartment would ever really meet his ridiculously high standards, and he is most comfortable in the home he’s made for himself.
That, and, Atsumu being over at Sakusa’s means that he has to host him and do the cleaning afterwards, while Atsumu can just flit off back to his own place. So. There’s that.
Tonight. Tonight is not business as usual. Tonight is not familiar.
*san'yō expressway, 6:17 pm by yamabato (8.1k, T)
Atsumu tilts his head to watch a slice of orange light bend over the impassive planes of Sakusa’s face. He is absolutely, ruthlessly beautiful. It makes Atsumu want to punch something—put his foot through the windshield—scream, maybe.
Kiss him again, maybe.
They have 344 kilometers to figure this one out.
parallax error: angle of inclination by min_mintobe (10.8k, T)
But now there's the one person Atsumu'd promised himself never to touch. His eyes leave Atsumu breathless with guilt at seventeen, and he spends the next six years safe in the satisfaction of making things right.
Feelings, of the physical kind, and one kiss.
ft. competitive spirit, childishness, and late night conversations.
Atsumu POV.
four leaf clover by vicari_us (5.9k, T)
Once, Ushijima claimed that they ‘got lucky’. If properly honed, their body types could become near invincible weapons.
However, unlike Ushijima, Kiyoomi’s weapon required a bit more care over the years to reach the condition it had become. He was born iron, not yet forged into steel.
Exploring what it might have taken to turn a genetic mistake into an athletic miracle.
*the 28 postcards you left me by wheelspokes (8.3k, T)
Atsumu takes texting your ex to a new level by sending Sakusa postcards in Animal Crossing instead.
such a unique premise & this is so beautifully structured. stunning flow and who knew animal crossing could convey so much longing...
AUs:
Pas De Deux by hhatsuna (dancer!sakusa au: 19.0k, T)
The mystery athlete gives Kiyoomi a once over in the mirror. “Yer pretty tall,” he observes, and the twang of an accent rasps low in his throat. His brazen eyes drift to Kiyoomi’s legs, and something like exhilaration glints gold in his gaze. “Good quads, too. Ya ever played volleyball?”
Ah. So it’s volleyball.
“I’m a dancer. Ballet and contemporary, mostly.”
*my love, take your time by bastigod (archaeologist!sakusa au: 9.0k, T)
There was something sublime about wandering around an empty museum. Nothing could compare to the sound of his shoes clacking against the marble floor, the morning sunlight gently streaming through the lofty windows and the peaceful solitude of ancient stone kings overseeing their silent kingdoms.
A day in the life of Doctor Kiyoomi Sakusa, Archaeologist.
i’ve literally been thinking about this fic every day since it came out. you will not find a story like this anywhere else, i guarantee you. what a clear labor of love this fic is it’s truly something so special
three roses and a smile by strawberrycitrus (surgeon!sakusa & microbiologist!atsumu au: 19.7k, T)
“I just got this job, I’m not givin’ it up for some moral boost ‘cause I actually need to pay my rent, ya insensitive -” Atsumu waves his hands around, trying and failing to come up with the right word to convey the amount of injustice that this gaunt motherfucker has brought into his relatively simple life thus far.
“If you can’t pay your rent, go get a job at the McDonald’s over by 8th Street,” Sakusa growls, “it’ll pay more than your researcher position.”
If you even attempt assault on a coworker, forget teaching about cells - you’ll fucking be in one, Atsumu.
*Dance of the Parallax by astroeulogy (ogre spirit!sakusa au: 6.7k, T)
For the last twenty years, Atsumu’s done all that he can to break his betrothal to the ogre spirit Sakusa. If he can just make it through one more night, he’ll be free.
honestly, just read everything by astroeulogy. i’m recommending this fic in particular because it has such an ethereal voice to it. magical
across oceans, across centuries by starstrikes (pacific rim au: 20.0k, T)
Six days ago, Osamu died and left Atsumu with this: Atsumu, you have to—
(Namikira rises with the tides and rips Osamu and Vulpis Empress away in one fell swoop. Six days later, Atsumu wakes up alone in a hospital bed and learns how to swim.)
you don’t actually need to know pacrim to appreciate this. a wonderful exploration of grief and recovery. also it’s exactly 20k words which is both satisfying and terrifying
*Notte Stellata by awkwardedgeworth (ice skating/dancing au: 20.8k, T)
"Your partner doesn't need to hold anyone's hand other than yours," Sakusa's father crouches, "And you can wear gloves."
Sakusa ponders. He hears the other skaters of rink two whiz past as they launch themselves into lifts.
"Alright," He looks up from the ice, not knowing how he'll dedicate the next couple of decades to this sport, this partnership, this boy.
what a stunning fic. a beautiful progression of sakusa & atsumu’s relationship, rife with references to real skating programs, beautifully written and structured. so full of longing i’m in mild physical pain
#if anyone else has recs feel free to drop them in the replies mwah#sakuatsu fic is SO high quality you can literally just look at the tag and blindly press and find something stunning#these are just my personal favorites#basically just my ao3 bookmarks and then some#sakuatsu#sakusa kiyoomi#miya atsumu#sakuatsu fic#haikyuu fic#ask#reynegades#thank you for asking.....ive been dying to make a fic rec post i just needed a push lol#fic
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Lost Cause (or the Lack Thereof)
So I feel like I didn’t hurt Ezra enough last time. Consider this my sincere apology for that. Just joking, but here’s another one in which I might have made Ezra not very ok. Uhm, @my-blood-is-maple-syrup and @pawsomelybuggy it’s ok. Everything’s ok so let’s not be m a d at me, ok? Cool. Also, Pon fic in the works? maybe. maybe not. a n y w a y s READ.
Ezra lived in static. At least, that was how it had started to feel. He couldn’t sleep, food tasted like cardboard, he couldn’t focus and he didn’t want to do anything. Every time he closed his eyes, all he could see were the bodies, lives taken through his hands. And it hurt him. It scared him in the times he did sleep, because almost always there would be a couple that started to drag their way towards him.
He knew that both Kai and Pon worried for him, and he felt terrible for that. He just didn’t know how to shrug off whatever funk he was in. Most days he was out of their shared apartment by the time the sun’s first rays touched the skies, burrowing himself far within the forest. Past the site from that fateful day and further in. Further and further until there was a pain in his ribs and his breaths short in length because the feeling was cathartic. It gave him something to focus on instead of the monsters living within his mind.
And honestly, Kai and Pon had grew to understand that waking up in the morning without Ezra present in the space was just going to be a norm until he could cope in a different way. Kai still felt bad, still missed his friend— who was he kidding, his lover— wished to wake up with him there for once. For things to not be so messy so they could all just relax.
Ezra lay among the snow, the chill from the ice working its way into his bones, numbing him. He was able to escape.
But maybe there’s such a thing as being too numb, and that’s where he feels the sting in his eyes, a telltale sign that he is truly so close to the edge of collapsing and he really does not want plummet into those depths. In all honesty, Ezra’s afraid of what lurks at the bottom if he were to just let go.
And so he sits, dragging his knees to his chest, knowing bits of snow stick to his shirt. Ezra would just let himself shiver, relishing in the ability to feel something other than this misery. Every breath was a shock to his lungs, hurt in a way that couldn’t harm him physically, but would allow him to feel something, anything, because his despair seemed to be bottomless and the growing urge to hide away was scary.
He heads home after a bit, trudging slowly in the snow, each step stoking some smoldering fire of passion and determination with him, though it was apparently very slow to ignite. By the time his keys jingled in the lock as he opened the door, Kai was out in the living room, wringing his sleeves or fingers, or messing with something so that he could let out the anxiety dwelling in his bones.
Ezra settles on the couch beside Kai, not sure of what to say, or do at first. After a minute, he rests his head on Kai’s lap, and the other boy abandons his fidgeting, and places his fingers instead on Ezra’s head. He gently began running his fingers through the hair on Ezra’s head, and Ezra closes his eyes. Relishing in the combination of silence and touch, he closes his eyes and sighs, feeling slightly content for the first time since getting back to Earth.
And then Kai starts humming a tune to some song Ezra can’t place a name for. But the sound of the song being vocalized through Kai, and the knowledge of how much music means to Kai is enough to make his heart fill, his mind trying to tell him see, you did something right. And so he lets the emotions spill over into the real world, allowing the tears to slide down the side of his face. He isn’t sure if Kai notices, and doesn’t know how much he cares to know whether his conniption has been perceived by Kai yet.
Kai’s fingers push into Ezra’s scalp at the gentle crescendoes in his voice, easing at the decrescendoing. Ezra lets himself feel the sensation, and allows it to lull him into such a contented state that he begins to doze off, accepting a temporary escape into the arms of unconsciousness.
When Ezra opens his eyes, it’s not to the feeling of Kai’s fingers in his hair. He sits up, not yet noticing his surroundings, but his eyebrows furrow at the sight of a fire against what looks like a grey wall. His first coherent thought runs along the lines of why are they burning a fire indoors?
That’s when he rubs his eyes and sits up. It looks like he’s in some cave...at night? Something seems off, and when he spots a seated and dozing Pon, and Kai staring straight into the fire, he rushes to his knees, deaf to the sound of Kai worriedly calling his name. The blood roars in his ears, but his heart feels like it’s stopped at the sight of one tell-tale sign of where they were— the moon. It wasn’t gray, like it should be. It was the moon from Azurelle.
How were they back? How could they be back? He’d made sure all three of them had escaped alive. They should be on Earth right now, not here on…
Ezra swallowed, unable to admit the planet’s name, even in his own mind. He stumbled around the side of the cave, sinking down into snow that shocked his system into believing he was there again. Where he’d apparently remain.
He closed his eyes, trying to calm down so he could think rationally. When he opened them again, he was alone in a field, standing amidst a sea of bleeding bodies. Looking down, he caught sight of his blood soaked shirt, and stained hands. His stomach turned, and he felt his breathing quicken, confused and terrified. Mostly terrified of himself and what had he done?
Ezra heard a gasp from behind him, and turned to see Kai, who looked horrified, hands covering his mouth. “What have you done?” he exclaimed, eyes refusing to leave Ezra’s. The taller of the two frowned, how was Kai up and walking when they had just returned from him being held hostage? How were there no scratches or bruises on him? Was it possible he had dreamt up the whole situation in his mad craze?
“Kai! You’re okay!” Was all he was able to get out, voice high in excitement.
“I was, until you murdered everyone!” Kai spat, stepping back when Ezra tried to move towards him. Ezra stood still and closed his eyes, unable to think with all the blood around him.
His eyes flew open at the sound of a scream. A pained one. He saw Kai, something buried within his torso. There weren’t any dead bodies anymore, only Kai falling to the ground, and Ezra dropping to his knees.
“Kai.” The younger boy looked up at his name, green eyes dimming and full of pain.
“I’m not gonna make it.” Was the short, choked reply. Ezra’s eyes stung. He couldn’t do this. Nothing more. He couldn’t take it, the thought of life without Kai, the thought of Earth without him was unbearable.
“No, no, no, please Kai, please don’t leave.” Ezra begged, panicking as Kai coughed, a drop of blood staining his cheek.
“Ezra…” Kai whispered.
“Kai,” He answered, “I can’t do this without you. Please.” He felt his panic increase when Kai’s eyes closed, and tried shaking him.
He kept shaking, his eyes closed but tears slipping out freely.
He didn’t understand what was going on, the desperation clawing it’s way out of him, the emotions rising, because Kai was gone. He was going to have to live without Kai, and how could he do that?
There was a part of Ezra that thought he heard Kai calling, but it couldn’t be. This was too real to be fake. He didn’t want to open his eyes.
Ezra’s eyes snapped open, the rise and fall of his chest too fast and the first thing to register on his mind was the feeling of being unable to breathe. The next was something wet on his face, tears. The last was the sensation of fingers on his arm.
He felt his eyes widen when he looked up and saw Kai’s face, scratches and bruises healing, but more so in the light. “Ezra, you’re okay.” Kai leaned down, pressing a kiss to his forehead, hand brushing hair out of the way.
Ezra sat up, putting his head in his hands. “What happened?” Kai whispered, hand now rubbing circles on Ezra’s back, trying to not cut the contact. Ezra knew that that helped.
“Bad dream,” He started, sniffing. “We were in the cave on Azurelle, then the field, where everyone was dead. Because of me, and you were angry with me. And then you were hurt, and I couldn’t do anything.” Ezra pressed a hand to his own abdomen, trying to convey more of the last part without having to admit it. He was scared that admitting it would make it real, and it being real would be unbearable.
Kai’s hand withdrew, and Ezra forced his eyes to stay open, urging himself not to blink. He was scared of what would be there when he opened them. “Ezra, blink.” Kai warned, watching.
Ezra shook his head. “I’m scared of what will change if I do.” Kai slipped a hand in Ezra’s with a quiet sigh of concern.
“Hold my hand, so that when you open your eyes, you know it’s real.” Heart beating fast, Ezra closed his eyes, hand gripping Kai’s. He let them stay that way for a couple moments, testing his luck.
But when he opened them, Kai was still there, still bathed in the morning sunlight. Taking his hand back, Kai looked at Ezra “And as for me being hurt again,” He began, hands holding onto the hem of his shirt, “I’m also fine.” He lifted it, and Ezra’s eyes ran over the skin of Kai’s torso, finding no new injuries.
Ezra’s hand drifted towards Kai, but he stopped, eyes glancing to Kai’s face. The boy nodded, grabbing Ezra’s hand and placing it on his abdomen. Ezra found nothing, fingers simply tracing over now-old scars. “See, I’m fine.” Kai whispered.
Ezra couldn’t help but feel the tears buildup again, out of a mixture of relief and exhaust. Kai dropped the shirt to cover his torso, hands cupping Ezra’s cheeks to wipe away the tears that slid down the other’s face before dropping them into his own lap. “Just give up on me...I’m a lost cause” Ezra said helplessly, wiping away new tears from his face.
“Oh darling,” Kai leaned forward and kissed Ezra’s cheek. “You’re not a lost cause...you’re just someone who needs help. There’s nothing wrong with that.” Kai stood, offering Ezra a hand. When he accepted, Kai helped him to his feet, walked Ezra to Kai’s room, where he pushed Ezra to the bed.
Ezra climbed in, wiping his face again as he watched Kai climb in from the other side of the bed. Kai tossed the bed covers over Ezra, and pulled them over himself, wiggling his way as close to Ezra as he physically could. Ezra hesitantly wrapped his arms around Kai, who proceeded to reach a hand up to stroke Ezra’s cheek, hoping to provide comfort that he knew his lover needed.
“You can come here whenever you need to,” Kai whispered. “I’m always going to be here for you, because you are my love.” Ezra closed his eyes at the words, happiness rolling off him in waves. His cheeks flushed, because that was the first time Kai had said that, and he rushed to return the sentiment, pressing a kiss to Kai’s cheek and smiling when he heard Kai giggle.
Getting better might not be so easy, but as long as Kai was his, maybe Ezra could manage. His smile grew at the feeling of his necklace chain on the back of Kai’s neck, his heart full for the first time in a while.
#kai#pon#Ezra#the other planet#Pon wasn't in this one as much#pon deserves the spotlight tbh#puts up with so much and for what#to be ignored?#lets get him his own book#anyways its 3 am but i'm done with this so yay?
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hey! ty sm for doing the matchup exchange with me, i look forward to writing your match! i’m rita and i go by she/her pronouns. i have a preference for men & i’m 16. my quirk would be similar to shinso & inumaki from jjk,, i can control ppl and animals just by saying a command,,, an indicator for when i’m using my quirk would be my eyes changing color & a side effect to using my quirk would be getting light headed.
i’m a libra sun, aquarius moon, & leo rising. a slytherin & intj-t. i’m v polite and reserved when you first meet me. i’m pretty introverted and i have anxiety. it takes me while to open up since it takes me a while to trust ppl. i do tend to get annoyed and angry by others easily,, i’m a bit of a hot head. i’m pretty chill and like joking around once i open up,, i can also be kinda dumb. i’m a bit of a loner and i don’t have many friends. i’m actually a bit of an emotional person but only when it comes to shows, movies, books, etc,, i tend to keep my emotions bottled up. i’m self conscious and self critical. i care a lot about having perfect grades and getting into a good university but i’m so lazy (lots of breaks & procrastination) at the same time,, i end up getting everything done on time though. i’m impatient when it comes to my own things so i like doing things my way bc i feel more comfortable that way. i also like keeping things neat. i’ve also been told i have a resting sad face & that i’m intimidating. i wear a lot of black and i’d describe my style as dark academia mixed with 70s-90s fashion. when i’m at home i just wear comfortable clothing like pajama pants and a t-shirt.
my likes/hobbies/interests are baking, playing the sims, writing, and playing board games with ppl i’m close to. i also like relaxing in bed and spending time with people i’m close to and having fun. i’m interested in psychology, true crime, & history. i don’t like arrogant & closed minded people. i look for a partner who is loyal, kind, & open-minded. my love languages are gifts and quality time (both ways).
i hope this isn’t too much,, ty again! <3
Hey friend, it's my pleasure! Thanks sm for offering 💖
Can I just say super quick that your quirk is really cool? You could command an army of bears, raccoons or fire ants. I would be terrified. Also I'm an Aquarius moon and INTJ too, air moons gotta stay together. I totally got a Libra vibe off you when you first messaged me and you're super sweet 🎀 also I totally get you on the anxiety part, I have anxiety too. I know how terrifying it can be to reach out to new people so please know I'm proud of you for taking the chance to reach out to me 😊 and it's never too much; the more detail the better!
I match you with Shoto!
Say hi to the walking AC and heater unit. A couple reasons I picked him is because you mentioned having anxiety and being hot headed. With his father being, well, himself and his mother being the anxious person she is, Shoto understands both sides of the coin very well and knows how to deal with both parts. He can balance being calm and stern at the same time and he has the patience of a saint. He would give you the time and space you need to grow comfortable around new people and surroundings, as well he would be able to keep you grounded when your temper gets the best of you. He mellows you out. My personal headcanon is that he's a Capricorn sun, Scorpio moon, Virgo rising, Ravenclaw and INFP.
He returns your jokes with dry humor. He can keep a dead serious face while making the stupidest jokes too. He could look you dead in the eye, face straight, and rip a monster fart and not giggle just to see your reaction. Honestly the image of him holding eye contact while aggressively farting is funny in my head. I know I have the humor of a 9 year old.
He isn't bothered by you not having many friends. He's a private person and doesn't want a lot of people up in his business. He prefers few close friends over many distant friends. He knows you aren't stupid and pays no attention to anything you say that may sound dumb. He's heard so much dumb shit he learned to filter it from his brain.
He understands that you're closed off on your emotions. He really can't blame you, he's quite the same. If you get a little teary eyed over a book or movie he'll let you talk it out and cry if you'd like, but he won't push you to be uncomfortably open to him. He values your happiness over his own and doesn't mind you keeping your feelings to yourself. He respects your privacy. Regardless of what you may feel conscious or critical of about yourself he's there to remind you that you're perfect. You're healthy, you're strong and you're doing the best you can. No one could ask any more from you. He's lived a majority of his life feeling outcasted and ignored because of his scar and wouldn't wish the same on anyone, so if there's any part of you that you feel bad about he's always reminding you that you have no imperfections, everything about you makes you one of a kind. You're irreplicable.
He isn't worried about you procrastinating on studying or homework. As long as you get it done and do well enough he isn't concerned. If you ever have difficulty with a subject he's happy to help you study and learn. If you want he can ask Momo to join for a study party if you want the extra help or company. He just wants to see you succeed and get into the college of your cotton candy dreams. Oh and don't worry about your tuition, he has it covered. Don't even mention it to him it'll already be paid off, including books and living arrangements. He only wants you to pay him back by doing your best in school and showing him you can handle the hard work.
He always has a suggestion on ways you can do things but he knows you prefer to do them by yourself, so he'll neber bombard you with his ideas. If you ask for his input he has plenty to give but otherwise he gives you the room to make your own moves. He's a neat freak himself and is always happy to help you keep your room clean and well put together. He has good room decor ideas too if you want to spruce up your room.
He really doesn't see you as intimidating. He sees a confident, independent and strong young woman who can hold her own. He occasionally wonders if you're really sad or if that's just your expression and he'll occasionally ask. He's only making sure you're okay. If you're sad he's on it with a cute or funny movie, some snacks, a shoulder to cry on and a whole night's worth of stuff to talk about.
He likes your sense of fashion, he enjoys darker and warmer colors. He lives for the 80s aesthetic and loves to see you mix the two so effortlessly. He can, wants to and will give you his t shirts to wear at home. He'll also loan you hoodies and sweaters. He won't outright buy you a hoodie, he'll buy one for himself and let you get away with stealing it from him.
He's so soft for home made cookies and would love for you to make him some. Home made dinners are also great. He would love to help you bake and would enjoy baking dates. He'll also watch shows like Hell's Kitchen with you. He isn't exactly a huge gamer but he likes simulation games and RPGs like Sims, Animal Crossing, Pokemon, Harvest Moon etc. He'll binge these games with you all day and night. Your Sims have to get married to each other it's the law. He enjoys reading what you write - what you don't mind sharing of course. He won't go peeking in your personal writing, he knows it isn't his place. Concerning what you do share he'll read it with great interest and share his thoughts and any ideas he has. He would really enjoy writing something with you, like a short story or a comic. He loves how you convey your writing and would be honored to take part in it. His favorite board game is Candy Land, a close second being Monopoly, followed by Scrabble. He pulls out a big ass dictionary during Scrabble just to prove to people that he knows his vocabulary. He loves you dearly but all bets are off during Monopoly, it's a dog eat dog world and he isn't bailing you out of jail. He will, however, offer you real money in turn for properties in the game. No that isn't cheating the rules say nothing about it. He has no problem with a lazy day in bed though and wouldn't mind just dozing or watching shows together. Any time spent with you is time spent well. You two could watch paint dry together and he would have a blast. He'll buy the paint.
With his personal involvment in hero work he has lots of info on true crime cases and can share stories and books with you. He has everything from small robberies to Ted Bundy and beyond. If you have a question about a true crime case he has an answer. As for psychology I imagine he would study it himself, perhaps as a secondary career or freelance hobby. He'll examine characters from books and movies with you and run his own behavioral analysis unit from his bedroom. The FBI doesn't hold a candle to him. He can, will and already has tracked down your enemies and he has their addresses. With his father being the new number one hero he essentially has the force of the law in his hands and if need be, he will use it. He won't do anything unjust unless your safety is in jeopardy but he won't hesitate to bring someone down. As for history he has plenty of books ranging from founding of countries to wars, to major technological advancements to the invention of toilet paper. He knows some very niche history facts. If you need to impress a teacher with knowledge on history he has you covered. He'll make the teacher quit their job in shame.
Shoto is absolutely loyal to the end, open minded and kind to a fault. He understands how it's like to be ignored, misunderstood and bullied and he won't treat anyone else that way. Regardless of his opinion on someone he still gives them respect and kindness. He doesn't care how rude or petty someone acts, they're still a human and deserve to be treated as such.
He goes out of his way to buy you special gifts, he values personal meaning over monetary value. Between a basic cheap necklace and an expensive bracelet of your favorite gemstone and color, you bet he's going for the bracelet. The cost isn't important to him, he just wants to see your face light up when you open the gift. As for gifts from you he doesn't care about how much you spent, he just wants something from the heart. You could give him an origami swan that cost you nothing to make and he would treasure it like a rare antique. As for quality time, he always enjoys a good movie, board game, cuddle session or just a nap. Like I mentioned before, any time spent together is time spent well.
I hope you enjoyed this friend!! 🥀 I'll be sending my part your way soon, thanks again for the offer! I had a lot of fun with this one 😘
#iidastiddies#mha x reader#bnha x reader#matchup#mha matchup#bnha matchup#matchup exchange#shoto#todoroki#shoto todoroki#todoroki shoto#todoroki x reader#shoto x reader#shoto todoroki x reader#todoroki shoto x reader
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HealPre Final Review: Not terrible but not entirely laudable either...
*sigh* Where do I start?
Well, one thing I’m pretty sure of is that COVID definitely affected production somehow. By that, I don’t just mean the show needing to go on hiatus, resulting in a shorter run compared to previous seasons. I’m also talking about any possible changes that might’ve been made to the original narrative, if there was one.
Much like how Suite’s story had to be altered in the wake of the 2011 Tohoku earthquake and tsunami disaster, I believe Heal underwent a similar treatment in response to the pandemic becoming more widespread as 2020 went on.
Especially since it dealt with health and nature, HealPre is probably the season that has come the closest in relevancy to real life events.
Frankly, that can be quite scary because this virus was and is still a fucking nightmare on a massive global scale. From that view, I can understand why the writers/producers would be concerned of the anime hitting too near home. At least for their main demographic’s (children) sake, maybe they were compelled to shift to something lighter and less edgier so that the kids could find some comfort and enjoyment in the midst of the world’s current crisis.
So I can’t fault Toei for that, if that’s really the case. Going through a pandemic is terrifying, infuriating and exhausting and UGH. We could use something that can help ease our worries or momentarily distract us even a little bit.
Though would it have killed them to dedicate one episode to the importance of wearing a mask or washing hands? (-_- ;;)
HOWEVER! Seeing as I am not a fragile child, I’ve still got several (oho~) criticisms to air out before I put this season behind me. This review isn’t particularly scathing but...there is a lot of discontent so you’ve been forewarned.
But first, let’s tediously review what structure means in Precure.
We all know that there are certain things that will forever (?) remain fixed in the series formula.
The plot is always going to be “magical girls fight evil doers threatening to ruin the world”.
There are plot points to indicate story progression but in reality, are put there to correspond with toy releases which are usually marked by these five: introductions, first power up, midseason Cure, second power up, and build-up to the climax + finale.
There is usually a specific message (a theme) to be told with every season and motifs (narrative tools) to aid in getting that across. For HealPre, the theme is “living is fighting” and its motifs are “health” and “nature”.
I left out “animals” b/c 1) it didn’t hold as much significance as the other two did, 2) animals are part of nature anyway and 3) let’s be real, it’s just a synonym for “mascots” which we already get every year. :P
Right. I’m probably forgetting something but for the most part, these are immovable pillars of Precure.
Story, on the other hand, has more variables you can work with.
Story is how you tell the plot, how you convey the message.
Precure, as a tv series, is unarguably carried by its main stars, the Cures. So it only makes sense that a huge percentage of a season’s success owes itself to how much of an impact its characters had on the audience as well as how effective their individual story arcs were as sub-plots tying back to the bigger picture (the message/theme).
Ideally, these arcs would shine the brightest in the filler episodes, where the plot (“good guys vs. bad guys”) is less of a focus so there is more space for personal development and growth.
Also, not all character arcs have to be directly related to the plot but they ought to be written well in order to support the overarching message (the theme).
Now, has HealPre done that? Has each girl’s story demonstrated a good example of what “living is fighting” means?
...nnnnnnyyeeee... look, even I can’t give a straightforward answer on that because while technically they did, by virtue of Nodoka’s observance in ep 44 recounting it as such, there’s also actually not enough to make it feel substantial from a viewer’s standpoint.
At least, that’s what I thought while watching HealPre.
With the exception of Nodoka’s, there was a lot of saying but not much doing to convincingly back the other girls’ arcs up. The fillers themselves were very weak, loosely composed in relation to the motifs and, if I may be so blunt, downright boring that if Nodoka didn’t phrase those episodes as things that counted towards the theme, I probably would put up more of a fight on disagreeing. so shoot me, I’m soft for her :P
And I know that sounds confusing right now but I will elaborate as I continue.
Before that though, to be utterly fair, some seasons keep their respective themes shrouded in vagueness until they’re given a more concrete form in words around the finale. So it’s not like we can do much except make educated guesses on what they really are. Most of the time, we’re just measuring everything against our perception of a standard in the fog. Or maybe that’s just me?
Nevertheless, you can just tell, y’know? By simply watching and observing the whole show, you can tell if the characterization, the development, and the outcome (essentially the content given) really live up to what the season claims is endgame.
So let’s go through that first then. The characters, starting with our lead Cure...
Nodoka being the only Cure in her team to have an arc deserving of the praise “exceptional” should come as a surprise to no one.
She was the most solid in terms of direction on how her story was going to proceed. Out of all the girls, her journey had the greatest connection to the subject “health”, repeatedly delved into it every time the spotlight was on her and fulfilled everything it seemed to promise from her debut in episode 1.
Her struggles on the road to recovery from a long-term illness and the strength she’s drawn from that traumatizing experience as well as her time as Precure did more than establish her as the strongest character in HealPre.
She has also rose to become one of the most memorable Pink Cures in the entire franchise (personally, I rank her in the top 5).
And it’s not hard to see why she’s earned such high regard in a lot of fans’ hearts.
The writers clearly worked a lot on her character composition to the point where she can pretty much embody the theme of “living is fighting” all on her own.
She came into HealPre fresh out of the hospital and full of earnest desire to make the most of her newfound freedom but she also wasn’t without knowledge on what hardship is. From there, she only got stronger, even when she was stumbling and trying to figure things out along the way. She grew more fortified in her beliefs on what it means to be truly live a healthy life.
She bravely defied the ones who attempted to take advantage of her and twist her cause against her. And she learned that taking care of herself is equally as important as wanting others to be safe from harm.
It was never about winning or coming out on top. It was about protecting a fundamental yet precious truth. That one thing any decent human being should never have to concede: the right to live well.
Honestly, Nodoka is absolutely inspiring all around, as a fictional character, a heroine and a normal everyday person.
Everything about her arc went satisfyingly right like it was meant to and the best thing is, we don’t need to question it because we saw how it all happened with our very own eyes.
I sincerely wished I could say the same for the others but sadly, they were just too flawed.
And Pegitan can throw flippers with me all day if he wants but as undeniable as the above statements are about Chiyu, her arc failed to leap over the increasingly mounting disappointment I had with every episode that’s been assigned solely to her.
Two of which weren’t even about Chiyu. One centered on Pegitan’s admiration for his partner and the other focused on her brother, Touji. Which, while nice to give to supporting/secondary characters, is a fat waste of valuable screentime and not what I’m here for.
It also didn’t help that the conflict of her arc (the indecision over choosing between two dreams) started really late in the game and was resolved so quickly within two episodes. There was no time for me to get invested into it, there was no powerful sense of conviction like how Go!Pri or Hugtto handled theirs and really, it just felt like Chiyu was only following what the script dictated for her rather than genuinely awakening to her own competitive passion towards track and field.
It was almost like it didn’t matter. Almost as if the writers procrastinated in thinking up something worthwhile to further her development...but then settled on grabbing an old idea off the shelf without refining it to suit Chiyu when they ran out of time.
This happened similarly with Minami in Go!Pri and Elena in StarPre, both of whom left me angry at how their arcs were executed. Yet theirs don’t compare to how pissed off I am about Chiyu’s. Because while Minami’s took a while to arrive, it wasn’t done poorly and linked back to Go!Pri’s theme well enough. And while Elena’s was over crammed last minute, at least it was unique to her character and had lots of potential ways to play out if they actually started it earlier on in StarPre.
Chiyu’s arc is like a discount version of the former with hardly any of the intriguing qualities of the latter. Sure, she had two early episodes that laid out the two most important aspects of her life (her family inn and her dedication to her sport) but after that, they weren’t brought up again until we were only weeks away from the ending. Y’know, just to fill up episode slots and meet the minimal requirement of saying they did give Chiyu some issue to resolve.
It was not engaging at all.
Furthermore, the fact that her arc had very little to no relation with either “health” or “nature” hurt my appreciation of her character somewhat. I just...don’t think her kind of story really matches with the central topics of HealPre?
...but maybe I’m being bitter about this all wrong and that’s screwing up my rational thinking on this matter.
Because Chiyu’s arc is valid under the logic of the overall theme, I would never say it isn’t. And again, character arcs don’t have to be close to the plot nor is it necessary to employ the “suffering builds character” method to make them interesting.
Chiyu always does her best every day. That’s sufficient argument on why her story does fit within the frame of HealPre’s premise.
Guess I’ll just have to wrangle my resistance into acceptance somehow.
...still, her arc could’ve been done so much better than what we were given. Chiyu at least deserved that much.
Next, Hinata.
Since the beginning, I knew she was gonna be runner-up to Nodoka for having the (for lack of better term atm) “best” arc because it was heavily implied that she has ADHD and therefore, immediately checked off the “health” trait. She was even more obvious about it than Nozomi was.
Difficulty paying attention, hyperactivity, impulsiveness. Hinata didn’t just display all those signs, she also showed how hard it was for her to deal with the downsides to them on a regular basis.
She kept apologizing and put herself down excessively for inconveniencing her friends even though they never blamed her for her condition. Got them annoyed a few times, yes, but didn’t stop them from staying friends with her and definitely didn’t make them hate her either.
Everybody was understanding of Hinata...except Hinata because she always took her failures to heart and considered quitting several times to avoid the crushing dejection of making mistakes over and over again.
She got better, though, and no one could have summed it up more heartwarmingly than Nyatoran with the encouraging words he gave her at the conclusion of her arc.
But it still feels like there’s a huge chunk of development missing between the start and finish. Or rather, it seemed like all of it occurred offscreen and we were only informed later that it did in fact, happen.
To recap, iirc, Hinata had around 5 episodes that focused on her (ep 9, 13, 23, 35 and 40). Ep 18 doesn’t count because that was a Nyatoran-centric filler more than anything.
Ep 9 and 13 did their jobs of introducing and highlighting the details of Hinata’s troubles while also suggesting she will eventually learn to overcome her insecurities. The ones after, though? They pushed those issues to the backseat.
In Ep 23, she had to share the (uneven) spotlight with Asumi. Hinata’s improvements were briefly mentioned but the majority of the ep went to teaching Asumi what “cute” meant and how to get along with puppies. I mean, I get that Asumi recently joined the group and bonding with her was mandatory by tradition. But since each Cure only gets a limited number of eps to herself, it would’ve been more beneficial for Hinata if she didn’t have to split screentime with someone else’s growth schedule.
Ep 35 is slightly better but not by a whole lot. Sure, Natasha was able to reconcile with Elizabeth which was very sweet and heck, it was the goal for that episode. But again, nothing was really done or addressed about Hinata’s main conflict. She tossed it back with the rest of her homework to deal with later. ahaha, a TroPre hint
Then ep 40 came to formally close the curtains on her story and apparently, Hinata screwed up lots of times since...whenever but she picked herself up every time after and kept on trying. Awesome. So WHY didn’t we get to see that?
I’m not asking for the impossible here. I’m not asking for Hinata to be cured or anything miraculous like that. There is treatment available for ADHD but it is not curable.
Also, forcing Hinata to find a way to get better at studying, the thing she struggles with the most, is not the solution either because that would only make her more stressed and anxious over her own disorder.
What I want is to see how she moved from wailing “I can’t do it! I don’t wanna! I’m so scared of failing so why bother?!” to determinedly declaring “So what if I failed 1 or 100 times? So what if I fail another 1000 times? What matters is that I don’t let that stop me!”
That confidence is not something that can be built up overnight. It’s gradual and it takes numerous tries to reach from where Hinata was to where Hinata is now.
Telling me she grew emotionally stronger can only allow me to believe so much. I need to actually witness the changes as well.
If it weren’t for that, Hinata’s arc would have been a lot more impressive. Shame.
Finally............... Asumi.
Asumi, Asumi, Asumi, Asumi, Asumi, Asumi, Asumi... *sighs & drums fingers*
...she has no arc, ok? Seriously, what story is there to speak of, much less write a hefty analysis on?
A spirit born for the sake of Latte who just went along with the Precure ride because Latte didn’t want to abandon her duty. She made friends with those who aren’t Latte, extended her knowledge and understanding and gained valuable human experience during her stay on Earth. But ultimately, she will always define her entire existence around a puppy.
Nothing is more important than this puppy.
...... to be honest, Asumi not having a storyline isn’t what bothers me. It’s her lack of depth that does.
Hell, even the giant burger she ate had more depth than she did!
Oh, Asumi does have a personality alright. She’s consistently and unfailingly polite, utterly devoted to her raison d’être and in crucial moments, gives pearls of wisdom when the girls are in a pinch. She’s good.
But if that’s all she is, then she’s also painfully dull.
She has nothing to contribute to the discussion of health or nature, despite being created through an element of the Earth so you’d think she’d have an opinion of her own. At least worry about the planet that gave life to her as much as she frets over Latte all the time. But nope.
She shares the exact same face as Teatine’s past Precure partner so you’d think we’d explore that connection to see if it would influence or affect her in any way. But nope.
90% of the time, her role was just being Latte’s constant, fawning satellite.
Not only did that irritate the hell out of me but it just reinforced my stance that this type of character is one of the worst you can ever insert into any narrative.
Because if someone keeps reiterating how much they’re obsessed with this one thing and seldom talks about anything else without bringing their obsession into it... then what’s so special about them on their own?
You’ve practically surrendered the different qualities you could have had for worship of something else. That’s not a fair trade-in.
Asumi’s character is so packed with Latte-related stuff that there’s not much space left for anything that can be considered uniquely Asumi.
I mean, maybe it’s because I can never see myself or any normal person comfortable with living like that.
Living for the sake of being together with the one you love? Okay. But living with your whole universe revolving around that one thing? Making most if not all decisions based on this one thing?
No. That’s absolutely crazy, alright? Nobody with a healthy amount of awareness and self-worth would live like that.
And you can counter that Asumi’s just born like that. That she can’t help her origins because Teatine’s wish to protect her daughter is essentially what brought Asumi into existence so of course, her biggest concern would be Latte. At least, she wasn’t forced into it, right? As long as Asumi chose of her own will to follow Latte, it should be fine, right?
You can even use the fact that Asumi isn’t human. That she’s a spirit and we shouldn’t apply our human standards too strictly to her.
Yea, but those are feeble defenses in the face of her being a good main character, a good main heroine.
There are many ways to make a decent MC. The way Asumi was written proves she certainly does not possess traits that can classify her as true protagonist material. A protagonist has to be more than one amplified feature, which Asumi is not.
For the record, I don’t hate Asumi (she’s not interesting enough to generate a feeling that intense). I'm just severely let down because even if I don’t end up loving the midseason Cure for whatever reason, I can usually count on them to bring something intriguing to the table to dissect and analyze. At least I should find something to care about them.
Didn’t happen with her. :(
Oh god, I’ve been working on this post for days now and I’ve got a headache and with the baton pass happening in less than a few hours as I type this, I just really need to get it done and over with so please forgive me for speeding up through the rest, I’ll try to keep it as coherent as possible. NYARGH! (@_@ ;;)
Mascots.
Would you be surprised to hear that I’m not surprised that they were actually written very well?
Like I said early on, I suspected the return of fairy partnerships were going to improve the mascots’ significance in the story and, well, I was right.
This time, they didn’t just fill in the usual expectations of relaying exposition, serving as the Cures’ transformation devices and looking cute for the merchandise. The Healing Animals had to make progress on their own training to become doctors as well.
And they did through their relationships with their human partners.
It was a refreshing take on the mascot aspect of the series because the friendships felt really symbiotic. When the trainees arrived on Earth, they relied on the girls to help them perform their jobs as well as provide them with shelter, food, the occasional peptalk about their trainee status, etc.
Then as the story continued and they got to know each other better, the mascots were able to return the favor by giving support when the Cures needed it. Rabirin when Nodoka was frightened and confused about how to deal with Daruizen, Pegitan when Chiyu was having trouble choosing between two dreams and Nyatoran who made sure to always lift Hinata’s spirits up when she got upset at herself.
In short, they achieved their objectives of learning what it means to be good doctors by being there for their friends! How wonderful! :D
My memory for Latte is hazy, unfortunately, since she’s coddled by everyone all the time (can’t blame them, she’s friggin’ adorable! <3) but I’ll never forget how she stood firm on the battlefield to see things through, to fight for the Earth like she promised her mother. She started out so babie but showed us all there was enormous bravery behind her cute face and ugh, we should all be very proud of her! <3
The only major issues I had about the mascots were these:
1) Too many irrelevant fillers went to them. They only needed a maximum of two for their entire mascot group.
2) Latte kept getting sick even after she acquired a Precure partner of her own. I was hoping it wouldn’t hurt her as much as it did before Asumi arrived or that she would build up a stronger immunity but noooo, they insisted on torturing the poor pupper! T_T
Villains + Finale Battle
Not a lot needs to be said for the first part. We’ve had mediocre antagonists before. HealPre’s just happened to be extra annoying as they were despicable.
Which is worse because jerks you can just leave in the trash but assholes won’t stop harassing you unless you pummel them into their graves, set fire to their corpses and leave no trace of them behind! >:(
Y’all know who I’m talking about. Opinions on him continue to vary depending on who you talk to and if they’re avid fans of his face or not but whatever. The son of a bitch served his purpose and is dead now. That’s all that matters to me.
Anyway, the King was flat like his two lesser generals. He was neither intimidating nor distinguished enough in the brand of evil to really make us think of him as a serious threat and because of that, it ended up making the boss fight look like any run of the mill boss fight.
I know, they tried so hard with all that shiny animation but it just didn’t have that glorious sense of vindication that previous seasons (or ep 42) gave and I blame it all on this Rumiko Takahashi reject.
Also, this strategy was pretty useless?
They built it up like Earth was gonna sacrifice herself and die or something (she wouldn’t and even if she came close, deus ex machina would’ve kicked in to prevent that and COVID-induced caution too I guess).
But there were no signs of pain (well, that’s a relief) after absorbing Shindoi-ne and they really pissed King Byogen off more than they did any damage with the absorbed byo-gen power.
...so yea, this tactic was just to kill some time and budget, nothing more. Meh.
By the way, did Asumi eject Shindoi-ne’s pathogen out of her body yet or did they just leave it in there to bounce around until it eventually dissolves on its own?
Because that’s eww. I mean, it’s obviously not gonna hurt Asumi they can both relate on hyperfocusing their affection for someone so maybe the compatibility helps :P but still, ewwwww.
Fillers + Underused Motifs
In hindsight, perhaps HealPre didn’t exactly promise the content we I wanted about “health” and “nature” if their objective was to teach that any manner of “fighting” can count towards “living”.
......but fuck you Toei, you’re still cowards! >:/
Fillers will be fillers but it’s always better to try and make some of them as meaningful as possible. And they wasted the opportunity to inform an impressionable audience (during a very crucial period of our time, I must add) on a lot of things related to the HealPre’s motifs. Especially about the environment which for some ridiculous reason, they chose not to touch on for the main stretch of the overall story.
Proper hygiene, good diet plan and sleeping habits, regular exercise (already done by the girls a few times but could use another example), meditation, counseling/therapy (especially for mental health!), etc.
Real life pollution, climate change/global warming (IMPORTANT!!), deforestation, preservation vs conservation, endangered species, recycling, volunteering to clean up your community, etc.
These just came off the top of my head but yes, there’s more and no, I’m not saying that the writers need to cover all of them in extreme detail or replace the slice-of-life episodes.
But they should be able to mesh both serious and light-hearted together in harmony somehow. Like those fillers where the mascots saw people cleaning up littering at the park or that interaction with that arborist who taught them about wild animals and trees when the group went to visit a lake.
For health, maybe let the girls visit patients with chronic illness in the hospital or have them converse with a medical professional on some matter. Particularly if it’s got something to do with mental illness because stigma in Japan on those who are afflicted with such conditions is still prevalent and has caused a number of sad and shocking tragedies that could have otherwise been avoided if people didn’t have such outdated, judgmental mindsets.
That last part might be too dark for a children’s anime but there’s a lot more out there that is doable.
Do that without reducing it into a footnote, Toei. It is so necessary for your target audience to be aware of these issues at the age they are now. You have an almost 20-year old franchise to serve as a very effective platform. Make better use of it if you truly care about the message you’re conveying through your show!
Also, what the fuck.
The last episode was a mess. Why are you only mentioning this now when the season is already over?
This should’ve been brought up months ago!
All the things we could’ve seen the Cures done to protect the Earth without magic.
The excuse of “I didn’t know humans were so horrible!” is a shit one because everybody knows humans are deplorable trash when it comes to abusing the Earth. All the more reason why you have to persistently drill it into people’s heads that they should not be like those who don’t care or choose not to care.
One crack episode isn’t going to cut that.
God, I so want to unsee this ep just so I don’t have to end HealPre on a more sour note than it already was. *big aggrieved sigh*
Lastly (and this really is the end of my long ranting, I promise), the missing undisclosed lore.
There are few Precure seasons without a past lore of its own in the recent years. Is it a wonder, though?
Lore is mysterious and fascinating. If it involves a past Precure, even more so.
Sometimes fans might just hang onto a show because they’re curious about what happened before the main story. We’d never get the full tale of those adventures but at least, it’s fun to imagine the “prequel”.
Also, past Precure are just badass. Fact.
Strangely enough, we didn’t get that for Heal. All we know is that she was called “Fuu” and was very close to Teatine.
Hmm. Probably one of those changes caused by COVID interference cuz I can’t imagine the writers choosing not to tell her past in the original draft.
With all that finally off my chest, I’m ready to part ways with you girls until the next All Stars (Nodoka, I’m gonna miss you so much! T_T)
HealPre wasn’t the worst and it was nowhere near the best that it had the potential to be. But it’s passable. At least for those who loved it even with its flaws, I’m genuinely glad it was good for you.
For those who are thinking about picking it up (although why you would read this spoilery post before watching, I have no idea), if you’re looking for a standard magical girl anime to enjoy casually, then this is a safe pick. If you really want to invest your attention and heart into it, though? Then perhaps it would be in your interest to ask someone who saw it already to help you filter out the episodes that are worth watching. You don’t need to worry about the rest, they’re inconsequential. :P
Ok then! Thanks for reading as always, brave souls who have reached this point.
Stay healthy and safe out there and I’ll see you at the beach next week! Tropic underwater paradise here we coooooommmmmeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! xDDD
#i rage quit two drafts and an outline before i got anywhere with this#now if you'll excuse me i gotta catch up on my workout and play pokemon and eat pho later#and catch up on the ccs manga#livin' the healthy life oh yea~#healin' good precure#cure grace#cure fontaine#cure sparkle#cure earth#hanadera nodoka#sawaizumi chiyu#hiramitsu hinata#fuurin asumi#rabirin#pegitan#nyatoran#latte
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a language offstage
wenrene: idol/fansite au. chapter 01
red velvet debuts from a small, hopeful company.
the four of them come together with the same dreams every idol shares of fame and success, of one day loving and being loved by the rest of the world, of their names being known, of being able to perform.
but the idol industry is a competitive market filled with talented, shining individuals, and there are groups and names far, far larger than their own.
in the first few weeks after debut, their managers have to beg to find slots for red velvet to perform in. they’re squeezed into schedules at the end of more experienced groups, called in for the sparse, few times a broadcast needs a substitute group when another couldn’t make it. they spend the large majority of their time backstage visiting the waiting rooms of other seniors, presenting their new album to them in hopes of gaining their support.
the world of idols is harsh and relentless, bone-deep exhausting in ways only a very select few would understand. but their seniors are those very select few.
joohyun knows there’s reason to keep on dreaming when the sunbaes that greet them accept their album with tired yet warm, understanding smiles.
as a person who chose such an unforgivingly demanding career, joohyun feels like she should say she’s never once thought of quitting. but that isn’t true; there have been many, many times where she has lost hope.
in the end, it’s always been the little things that have kept her going.
like when she meets her first fansite.
—
while their managers struggle to find more schedules for them to promote in, red velvet returns to street busking.
previously, they only did this before debut, to practice going in front of crowds and to at least get their names out there earlier. there’s a completely different feeling in performing in mundane, open spaces for passerby to gawk at though, in comparison to more formal, controlled settings such as real stages.
joohyun is, to say the least, absolutely terrified but trying not to show it. she presses the tremors of her hands into the hem of her skirt, listens to seulgi introduce them as her gaze moves around the small crowd gathered near them. she can see phones up and hear their rapid shutter clicks, and she tries her best to give what she thinks is her practiced, idol-like smile, but it still feels small and shaky on her amateur lips.
a particular flash catches her attention then, and joohyun blinks, eyes automatically drawn toward the source.
a figure stands slightly apart from the rest of the crowd, face concealed beneath a blue cap with a white W etched on. and this is what startles joohyun the most: they are the only person here that isn’t from her management team with an actual, professional camera.
and it’s pointing right at her.
a warm hand lands on the small of her back, and joohyun quickly tears her gaze away to face the rest of the crowd. “hello, i’m red velvet’s leader and main rapper, irene,” she says into her microphone, the same introduction she’s rehearsed time after time, but somehow never enough. her face naturally flushes under the collective eyes turned toward her, and joohyun hastily bends forward in a bow. “thank you for coming to watch us perform. we hope you’ll enjoy.”
there’s scattered applause as joohyun moves into position, scanning briefly over the rest of her members to check that she’s in the right place. one by one she locks eyes with seulgi, then sooyoung, and then yerim, gathering confidence and assurance in the determined gazes of her members.
from the side, their manager gives them a thumbs up before the first few beats of “happiness” begin to blare out from the speakers. joohyun loosens her stance, looks toward the crowd, and her performance smile slips on like a second skin.
just like that, they’re off.
—
three songs, a cover, and a brief closing to wrap up and thank everyone once again for watching later, joohyun is sweating beneath her makeup and taking measured sips of water from a bottle yerim pushes into her hands. they’re all exhausted, of course, but it’s with a feeling of exhilaration and completion, like they’re one step closer to something that’s just over the horizon.
she blames it on the satisfaction of a job well done for why she lets sooyoung tug her into her arms with little resistance, feeling their tallest member lean her weight against her back with a happy sigh of relief.
“that went well,” sooyoung slurs, too warm and breathy into her ear. joohyun half-heartedly swats her away with a little smile. “unnie, can you treat us to dinner tonight?”
“yah, you’re not even trying to hide what you’re doing,” joohyun grouses in disbelief, lightly smacking sooyoung’s arm.
“is it working?”
“no.”
“seulgi-unnieeeeee,” sooyoung calls cheerily, pushing away from joohyun to wrap herself around her other member, and joohyun barks out a laugh at the startled, confused expression on seulgi’s face.
“we’re leaving in five minutes,” one of their managers reminds them, looking up from her phone where yerim is peering at. she ruffles the maknae’s hair with a grin, and yerim squawks indignantly. “good job again, girls.”
joohyun smiles, a warm feeling in her chest from looking at all the people around her, the ones that she’s worked alongside for the past five years of training. there’s unbelievable energy and a kind of freedom of expression joohyun has only ever felt while performing, but in the aftermath of the adrenaline rush and in the dying light of the day, it’s these simple little moments that she somehow can’t help but treasure just as much.
a small flash of light comes from nearby followed by a shutter click, and joohyun whips her head around to look straight into the lens of a camera.
blue cap. it’s the person with the camera from earlier.
for a brief moment, joohyun feels a surge of pure panic as she wonders just why someone is taking pictures of her. does she have a stalker? is this for blackmail? or what if it isn’t her who’s being targeted, but one of her members?
and then she remembers that she’s an idol, that she just performed in public, and that she should be trying to smile instead of glare at what turns out to be a young woman with blonde hair and wide, apologetic eyes, clutching nervously at her camera as she gazes frozenly back at joohyun.
blue cap has a facemask on covering her up to her nose, and the brim of her hat is pulled down low over her head; yet despite how her eyes are the only visible part of her face, they seem incredibly expressive, enough so that joohyun thinks she can see every candid emotion written on her face.
instantly, joohyun feels regretful and embarrassed; she quickly changes her expression into something more friendly, lips tugging up in a sheepish smile as she gives a small wave.
appearing just as flustered as joohyun, blue cap ducks her head and lets go of her camera with one hand to timidly wave back. the action causes joohyun to realize how oddly small and . . . overall very harmless she looks. if she really is a stalker, her body language definitely doesn’t show it.
“unnie, who are you—omo, is that a fansite?” seulgi squeals excitedly, appearing by joohyun’s elbow and causing her to yelp and startle in surprise.
sooyoung laughs at her from where she’s draped over seulgi, and joohyun instinctively glares back before turning to her other member. “i—i think so?” joohyun says uncertainly, not actually sure at all. but if so, then for who?
“this unnie,” sooyoung sighs exasperatedly before seulgi can speak up, looking at joohyun like she knows exactly what she’s thinking, but nevertheless is still visibly fond. “unnie, i’m pretty sure that’s your fansite.”
another camera flash and click seems to confirm her words, as the three of them turn toward the stranger standing a few meters away. blue cap doesn’t look up from behind her camera this time, just keeps it trained on the three members, patient and steady, likely waiting for them to do something photo-worthy. joohyun is honestly still figuring out what exactly that entails.
“master-nim, do you have a fansite name?” sooyoung calls curiously, and seulgi winces and complains that she’s yelling in her ear.
joohyun watches, intrigued, as the fansite hastily stuffs a hand into the pocket of her jacket, pulling out a nametag to attach to the top of her camera.
“winter purple,” seulgi reads slowly, squinting at the blocky english letters. she turns to joohyun with a beaming grin. “unnie, that’s your color!”
indeed, that is her color, both official and favourite. joohyun isn’t sure how to react; she feels frozen in place, a bit too shocked to really move. this could all be a coincidence, she thinks, still skeptical, still unwilling to believe. red velvet isn’t well-known, not even nearly as much as the other rookie groups that debuted this year. not to mention that a fansite can be for any one, any group, multiple idols at once. a single color means nothing.
but as she watches winter purple lower her camera once more to meet joohyun’s gaze, shy in her movements yet somehow conveying warmth in the way the corners of her eyes crinkle, the way she gives joohyun a slight, subtle nod, she finds herself believing otherwise.
“unnies, lets go,” yerim says, approaching the three of them. upon noticing the fansite standing a distance away with a camera, she gives a big grin accompanied by a wave, before pressing a hand against joohyun’s back to nudge her along. with one last glance at the girl in the blue cap, joohyun looks away and begins walking toward the van.
“who was that?” yerim asks them once they’re all piled into the car, their manager starting the engine.
“unnie’s fansite,” seulgi says excitedly with a clap, and yerim’s eyes widen in surprise, turning to joohyun for confirmation. joohyun can only nod slowly in return, still trying to convince herself that it’s true.
“really? how do you know?”
“she was taking pictures of joohyun-unnie during the performance and also after,” sooyoung pipes in while joohyun reaches over for their manager’s phone. “also, she looked like she knew we were scheduled to busk here.”
“i can’t believe i missed all of this,” yerim says with a huff, pouting. she quickly dodges sooyoung’s attempt to grab at her cheeks. “i hope we get more fans from here on out.”
“we will, especially since kang seulgi is treating us all to a celebratory dinner tonight,” sooyoung replies with a smug look, and seulgi immediately begins to protest otherwise, pushing weakly at sooyoung’s shoulder from across the van.
as the murmurs of her members’ conversation fills the car, joohyun looks down at the website from her search results, heart hammering in her chest. the tips of her ears flush as she gazes back at a photo of herself from their debut stage, taking in the proud, determined smile on her own face.
if that isn’t enough proof, enough hope, then it’s in the caption that she’s faced with the truth of it all:
“winter purple
dedicated to red velvet’s irene.”
#wenrene#irene#wendy#red velvet#a language offstage#idol/fansite au#hmmhmm#okay now we just pray i can actually write all of this out or ill stab myself in the foot#also honestly#idol industry tough#in ways i and many others will likely never understand#theres a lot of serious aspects about it i wont be able to accurately portray#so this will be basically a fluff train with minimal angst
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AS I DIE AT MY DESK
Interview by Shawn Gibson
Can you tell me the meaning of the band name As I Die At My Desk? I imagine dying in a cubicle in corporate hell!
The honest answer to this is that it was a joke. I overheard a co worker say it at work and I thought it would be a hilarious band name. It is also a bit ironic as I always told myself that I would do work I truly love and follow my passions as they tell you that stuff in high school and college and it hasn't worked out that way for me yet! I am not deterred. I do get to make music in my spare time. Music gets to be my fun escape. It gets to be my artistic outlet that I don't have to share if I don't want to. All that aside I am a man who loves to laugh and loves to joke. Despite the themes and sounds of the music which are very real and emotionally heavy for me, the band name was a way to take the piss out of the situation. I can laugh at myself for being a weirdo who likes heavy music, where people scream and howl like demons and laugh even harder at how ridiculous I must look doing that in the bedroom for my music. I am pretty serious about most things, but I have to remember to have fun. That is what I think is important. I'm sorry it's not a very metal answer!
Suicide as Cleansing by As I Die at My Desk
You do everything in As I Die At My Desk, all instruments right?
Yes, I do all instruments and my main goal is to try to not suck. I actually record through a pre amp and I use different virtual amp sims like Amplitube for my tones. I used my Sterling by Music Man John Petrucci 7 string guitar, Ibanez BTB7 7 string bass, and an Alesis brand electric drum set for this record. It's a pretty basic setup, but given the size of my recording space, it's the best I can do. I have been writing for the past eight years or so. This is my first attempt at a metal release despite the fact I am a huge metal head! I was pretty happy with what I was able to do by myself.
What are your influences musically?
My influences range from classical music to jazz to anything under the rock umbrella. I am particularly interested in Soviet era composers. Dmitri Shostakovich, Sergei Prokofiev, and Igor Stravinsky. The first instrument I started playing was a cello at age 10. I graduated college in 2016 and gave a recital featuring Shostakovich and Prokofiev. The desperation and darkness they were able to convey so beautifully have influenced me greatly. I don't have a lot of experience with jazz, but the works of Coltrane, Thelonios Monk and especially Miles Davis have influenced me, as well. I just love especially experimental music and anything that ties to reshape and reform the genres wherein they find themselves pigeonholed. My music doesn't really sound like it to me, but Dream Theater and Iron Maiden are two of my favorites. I didn't actually start to get into doom or sludge until college. Now I love that stuff! Eyehategod is one of my newer favorite bands, as well as Sumac and YOB.
What are some of your favorite books and movies?
I tend to read non-fiction. I am a big history nerd. However I have spent a lot of time in the fiction world, as well. Some of my favorites are Catch 22 by Joseph Heller, Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Twelve Chairs by Ilf and Petrov. I am a big Lynch and Tarantino fan! Blue Velvet and Eraserhead are two of my favorite films. Reservoir Dogs had a really big impact on me, as well. I first saw it when I was 14. It was so gritty and real to me then. That was a very realistic show of violence.
Are you a fan of horror books or movies?
I was a bigger fan of horror when I was in high school. I must have read every Stephen King a dozen times. I don't tend to like a lot of horror books or movies. There are some exceptions, I love monster movies. Give me Jaws or Godzilla any day! I tend to like movies that are creepy or unsettling, but I don't get into paranormal stuff. There are plenty of flesh and blood horrors in our world that are much more terrifying than ghosts.
You have some very heavy music with some very dark themes. What inspired 'Suicide As Cleansing' as your album title?
I am depressed and have anxiety. What more is there to say? To answer your question, though, the title popped into my head one day. I remember I was reading something on social media about mental health and the act of suicide. Someone described suicide as an act of cleansing. That idea stuck with me and I thought about it for quite some time. I decided to use that in an overall positive way. I thought that since I was channeling my negative and destructive feeling into my music, I was attempting to kill myself. Attempting to kill a bad part of myself that I don't want to have to deal with all the time and thus conducting a cleansing of sorts. I wanted that to be the album title because it reflected the whole reason I was making the record. It doesn't help to keep those feelings bottled up cause they fester. I urge anyone who has suicidal or self harming thoughts to seek help. Talk to people; they will listen. You may feel like it doesn't help, but it does. I struggle, but I feel better when I know I'm safe to talk about it. Here's why I give my wife a huge shout-out for being so supportive and understanding!
What was the inspiration for your songs on 'Suicide As Cleansing'?
The inspiration for this whole record was feeling trapped and depressed. Modern day life appears to be doing that for younger generations these days. Waking up one day and realizing careers that you were dead set on are no longer sustainable. Seeing all of the political strife becoming more prominent and ruining friendly and familial relationships. We live in a very depressing world. I don't need to get into all the issues facing us but there are many and enough that are potentially world ending are enough, to make anyone uneasy. In that way I feel that genuine themes of feeling trapped, powerless, isolated and really angry are appropriate.
I would say "No Pride" is one of my favorites. The gallop of the drums, the riff! I feel myself rocking and swaying. Definitely banging my head!
Thanks! It might be my favorite song on the album. It was actually fun to record that one and I did it in far fewer takes than the other ones.
"Trapped In The Bass-Ment" is hypnotizing! It's almost a chance to catch your breath from the other six songs that precede it!
I appreciate the comments! The whole track was written and recorded in one sitting. I am a big fan of drone and ambient music so it seemed fitting. I felt that even I needed a break after "No Pride." It just hit me really hard in conjunction with all the earlier tracks. I worried it might be boring for people, but I silenced that voice. I try to make music for myself, but I really appreciate it when people like my work!
"Annihilate Me" is the equivalent of the musical Dim Mak! Nine-minutes-and-fifty-eight seconds of destruction! Tell me about this song.
"Annihilate Me" was written over a span of about three days. I was in the middle of a very depressive episode and I remember sitting down with my guitar and playing the heaviest, angriest, gnarliest stuff I could get out of it. There was no preconceived plan as to lyrics or vocals. After I recorded the guitars and drums, I screamed anything that came to mind. It was a very cathartic episode and I view it as the perfect ending to an unpleasant journey.
Where did the artwork for 'Suicide As Cleansing' come from? What does it mean to you?
The cover art is a photograph taken from my lovely wife, who gets another shout-out. We were hiking at the Englewood Metropark and we noticed the tree almost all by itself. She took a bunch of photos of it because it was cool and interesting, also creepy. One thing I remember clearly, was the tree's base was covered with these beautiful yellow flowers. In a way I felt it represented the album. The tree itself was dead and bare. It was a little unsettling especially in the photos my wife took. The fact that life had sprung from this dead tree seemed to fit this theme of killing a part of yourself or perhaps a rebirth.
Calculating the Cost of Existence by As I Die at My Desk
Your second album 'Calculating The Cost of Existence' (2019) came out in December. What can you tell us about the new project?
I will say in terms of sound, the new record came out with a different sound. It's a doomy, sludgey mess for sure. There are more introspective parts included. The music is expressing a greater array of feelings than the first.
Another one-man effort?
Yes, I did all the instruments again. As long as I possess the tools to do it, it certainly makes it easier in the creative process not having to deal with other personalities or egos on something so deeply personal to me. Now with that said, I don't mind collaborating or anything in the future.
Is that strenuous at times doing everything in the band?
The worst part about recording is I am not the best musician. It is strenuous when I have to perform everything and I am not that great. (laughs) My skills on guitar and drums are intermediate at best. I have played bass longer so I am a much more confident bass player than I am anything else but that's not saying a lot. It also doesn't help that I don't like the sound of my voice. I fancy myself as a composer, not a performer.
As I Die At My Desk is from Dayton Ohio right?
Yes, the band is based out of Dayton, where I have lived for most of my life so far.
What are some bands from Ohio you love?
To be honest, I don't know a ton of bands from Ohio. I will say I am a fan of Mouth of the Architect and Others by No One out of Dayton, Cloudkicker out of Columbus. Oh I can't forget Skeletonwitch!
Have you been to Ohio Doomed and Stoned Fest?
This might be shocking but I have never heard of Ohio Doomed and Stoned Fest. So no I haven't been but I am certainly interested now!
Will As I Die At My Desk play live or tour down the road?
Well, As I Die At My Desk will probably remain a studio entity. As I said I wouldn't be opposed to any kind of collaboration or possible touring but I don't have any plans for that at the moment. Now for my pretentious answer. As an artist I do not want to feel confined to any one medium as it exists. As I Die At My Desk was born out of specific life circumstances. As long as these circumstances provide emotional weight and depth for me, this project will continue. Once that source dries up(if it ever really does) then I will move on to a new project. As it stands I have a few other projects that I am working on that I can't discuss much yet. Stay tuned!
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#D&S Interviews#As I Die At My Desk#Dayton#Ohio#Doom#Depressive#Sludge#Metal#Death Doom#One Man Band#Shawn Gibson#Doomed & Stoned
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❝ I remember all the things i thought i wanted to be. ❞ JUSTICE SMITH? No, that’s actually FRED WEASLEY II. Only TWENTY TWO years old, this GRYFFINDOR alumni works as an APPARITION INSTRUCTOR & PORTKEY OFFICE SECRETARY and is sided with THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX. HE identifies as CIS-MALE and is a HALFBLOOD who is known to be CALLOW, OVERWHELMED, and ACERBIC but also AFFECTIONATE, INCISIVE, and DUTIFUL. { CAMI, 19, GMT, SHE/HER }
BEFORE
TW MISCARRIAGE
george weasley, entrepreneur legendary, and angelina weasley, quidditch superstar, turned wales national team trainer. the couple was a shining example of success and happiness, and that only grew at the news that they’d soon have their first child. correction, CHILDREN. they might have been a bit late to some of their relatives, who already had a few toddlers, but they would bring weasley twins into the world, so the terrifying chaos coming up would make up for it. fred and george, they’d decided to call them, in honour of the most recent set of twins in the family. however, things didn’t exactly go according to plan, and just a few days after discovering that they were carrying twin boys, one didn’t make it.
a feeling of grief consumed the family. suddenly, angelina was at risk, as was the surviving fetus, but they let nothing but optimism into their loving house. frederick llyr weasley ii was born strong and loud, and into the arms of those who had far too much love to give, pouring it all onto that one baby. he joined a few other babies in the family, already vast in size but growing by the day. grandma molly made him a blanket, angelina’s father brought him a toy broom he had no use for, family dinners came and went as he thrived filled with joy and laughter. a few years later, after recovering from the shock of the dangerous pregnancy, roxanne was born, and little fred threw himself into the role of older brother, attempting to help out as much as their parents would allow - even if it was to simply hold her hand for a while.
as a way to connect them to the muggle part of their heritage, angelina made sure her children got as much of a non-magical education as they could before they headed off to hogwarts. with two hard-working parents, it was also the most practical solution. thus, fred’s days were constant tastes of both sides, and that was simply his reality: in the morning he’d be walked to school, just a few streets away. they’d play and learn the alphabet and talk about their favourite cartoons. in the afternoon he’d sit with grandpa arthur, who seemed to ask lots of questions about rather normal things, or he’d “help” dad and uncle fred at the store, which mostly meant passing coins from customers to the cashier (a rather important task). george and angelina worried about the potential signs of magic fred should one day show, and how they might ostracize him, but they soon learned they had little to fear.
when fred was still rather young, his family showed concern about his lack of complex speech, which soon developed into a very clear stammer. caring as they were, the couple tried all methods, magical and muggle, to help their young son - after lots of trial and error, they settled on a london speech therapist, who stuck by fred for most of his early life in constant sessions. the little kids who copied his stuttering with mockery in the playground soon became a foggy memory and at age twelve he had his very last session. his speech was fluent. “cured”, he’d thought.
fred took a little longer to begin showing clear signs of magic. long enough to bring around some speculation of him being a squib, but it turned out that his magic, regardless of his lack of control or the height of his emotions, was simply subtle - flowers bloomed a little more, a mirror fogged up, a loose thread on a shirt for pulled a few more centimeters. besides, most emotional reactions, which lead magical children to show uncontrollable magic, were conveyed through his stammer. if fred was nervous or angry, it intensified, or his voice was simply blocked. it took close attention for anyone to notice all of this, and his subtle works of magic, and to this day that is how it works for fred. his spells are subtle, almost dimmed. he has an eye for the small touches and delicate work, but can’t make a single thing explode.
then, it came the time to pick a side. there wasn’t much choice, given how it’d always been expected that the year he turned eleven, fred would move to hogwarts and leave the muggle world behind, so he didn’t say a word. however, there was real anguish in saying goodbye to his school friends and realising that the following year there’d be no way back. he was a wizard, who’d lead a wizard’s life. he BELONGED somewhere else. doing what was expected of him, the boy said a tearful goodbye to his parents, after confessing once again his fear of living away from them; held his little sister for as long as possible; put a smile on when uncle fred tried to cheer him up and took his cousin victoire’s hand, joining her in the whole new era.
HOGWARTS
GRYFFINDOR ! fred had no preferences, so he was silent as the hat pondered for a few seconds. at first, the decision made sense - his family had a longstanding reputation in the roaring house, so why not? the doubts took a few months to hit him. shy and simple, his housemates at times overwhelmed him, but a true sense of displacement came after winter break. he’d returned home, to his family and his house, and to his muggle friends. his routine went back to normal and january was too harsh of a reality check - on the second day back, he drafted a letter to his mother, asking her to let him go home. but he never sent it. instead, he made the best he could with the little tools he had. fred made few but intense friendships, mostly with kids from other houses. he accepted the narrative that he was not brave, or noble, or the hero type, but instead a gryffindor legacy and thus placed in the high expectations house. he focused on his grades, his dream job changing from doctor to healer - sleepless nights and migraines to achieve the one goal he had in mind, even if he’d stopped feeling the pull towards it by third year.
fred was a responsible young man, with a bright future in front of him. he was driven and hardworking. he was cracking under the self-imposed pressure every single day.
from the very start, fred’s relationship with his magic was complicated. he enjoyed it, surely, and was able to perform it, but his biggest aptitude was for the theory of it all. essays, understanding the mechanics, homework. at times, it felt like not much about him would have been different, had fred stayed in the muggle world. sometimes, he even revisited that thought of leaving it all behind - but he never did. after all, he was a driven young man, he couldn’t QUIT.
PRESENT
graduated with the soul-crushing requirements for healer training, fred had a ten year plan drawn and step one was taken care of. it was beyond competitive, everyone trying to climb higher, get the best shot - a shock to his system. fred would fall asleep over books, the work consuming him even at home, and yet it wasn’t enough. ‘your heart isn’t in it’ an older healer said to him once, after yet another failure, but it made no sense. on paper, he was the perfect candidate: kind, caring, smart, very good grades, lots of drive to learn and ambition. hands on? he froze, he had no time to erase his mistakes and write over them, anything but perfection consumed him, corroding.
he was deteriorating under the pressure, and for once he wasn’t the only person holding him accountable - his patients, the other healers. one year finished, a celebration at home, little fred was one year closer to becoming the next great healer! the following day he didn’t come straight home after the hospital, but rather to the shop, sitting in his father’s office until chance dictated he’d walk in. george weasley understood quitting to follow a bigger passion, he knew, but what would happen if fred didn’t have one? what was he quitting for? the imagined disappointment consumed him even as his father held him close, a crying mess begging for help.
fred had hit a breaking point and for once he made it glaringly obvious. fred, the quitter. fred, the lost. fred, with no plan and no future. fred, surrounded by a kind family, giving him space and time to figure out the next steps.
after a few weeks, he decided to go help out at his father’s store, somewhere known and temporary where he could feel useful and a little less lost. however, it didn’t last for long - after some search and the help of a few connections, fred was assured a job in the ministry, something a bit more lonely and calm - perhaps he’d follow a career like his grandfather arthur’s? or perhaps it’d be temporary too. fred had decided to give himself a gap year of no plans, no overarching ambitions. the little desk in a corner of the portkey office was his, nameplate and all. it was work he could leave there, over that small table, never in his heart and mind at home, and there were no real life-or-death stakes to it. all the learning was mostly optional, driven by his own ambition and curiosity, and a few months in he was doing some shifts on the neighbouring office as well, giving some apparition classes at hogwarts.
then everything changed. just as he was settling and life was gaining some balance, just as he’d at last left his parent’s house and began envisioning what the rest of his life might look like, news shook the world and brought him to his knees. uncle harry was DEAD. the minister and headmistress as well. pillars of the world and his life were gone, his uncle making his heart bleed especially. it wasn’t a coincidence, and they all knew it. a week later, loved ones restituted a group he’d only ever heard stories of, and there were no questions in his mind. fred worked deep within the enemies’ den, and he had access to information and skills that could prove useful, so why stay idle? every semblance of a plan he’d been drafting was done with the old world, so it was time to start anew.
bravery can come in subtle ways. it doesn’t need to be a showy explosion of dauntlessness, but rather a willingness to remain somewhere terrifying, and to give name, body and soul to something worthwhile. fred sees it now, at times. his search for an overarching goal in life is on hold for now, because he has found one, the order of the phoenix and the USEFUL work he can do for it. fred has been working out logistics. his role is very much behind the scenes, and he feels the weight of that responsibility in his bones every single day: one mishap from him, and an entire operation could crumble from within. one misstep and he’s caught, using his little forgotten department of the ministry to move around people and objects under the radar, erasing records when needed, reworking portkeys and bringing the soldiers on his side to where they need to be, helping victims leave towards safety. the floo network is his ongoing project, much harder to hack into then the rest, much farther from his expertise - his goal is to create an entire underground network within it, separated from the rest and away from any record keeping. his mission for the next few months? be accepted for another year of apparition training at hogwarts, to be one of the connections between the school and the the outside world for a few weeks.
the last few months have been an internal mess, but fred’s sticking through. his stammer has in great part returned, especially during moments of stress, which he’s been constantly under. his all-nighters have a greater purpose now, full of heart, but they still take a toll on him. his role in the world is a hidden one for now, and he fears that simply isn’t enough, that HE isn’t enough and that his impact isn’t as far-reaching as he wishes it’d be. fred wants to measure up, but that simple goal requires too much of him, and he can’t stop himself from giving and giving, until he has very little of himself left. his laughter has grown sharper and shorter, like a cough. his eyes are tired, his bones are heavy, he’s quieter. and there’s so much to walk still.
EXTRA HEADCANONS
fred was always a big fan of video games, ever since he was a tiny kid. he’s not even a brilliant gamer or what not but he’s a big nerd. does he have a rather large corner of his bedroom dedicated only to video games? yes. does he spend most of his paycheck into new games and better computers and shit? yes. do i hate it? def
“tell the truth and then run” is the most fred thing i’ve ever read. his bravery comes out in subtle ways, or in angry bursts that he immediately regrets. he usually doesn’t do much FIELD work for the order, rather backstage stuff, but sometimes he jumps in, especially if they’re handling big transportations and portkeys, and you bet he throws a curse and then just RUNS. yells for backup and RUNS the fuck away. martyr complexes and being the big best hero is not his thing.
uncle fred is one of his favourite people ever and i’ll fight everyone on this, brign fred you cowards
he literally only wears sweaters and t-shirts with a basic comfy jacket over. formal wear? fake. his office is all robes and professional shirts, and then there’s fred in the desk in the corner.
he’s a big cynical? fred can get very annoying
legit loves the muggle world. it’s where he feels the most at home.
there’s this big fear of fucking up within him, and not so much fuck up in the eyes of others, but nto live up to his own stupid high standards. he wants a bigger role in things, a bigger purpose, a better job, more friends, make an impact? he wants to never fade away, especially in the middle of such a BIG family with so many accomplishments amongst them. so fred tries to trick his mind, insist that he isn’t afraid to fail, that he’s fine with quitting healer training and with where he is right now, which is a big lie. his wand’s wood, black walnut, doesn’t do great with lying to oneself - so on top of his subtle magic, it’s also just purely glitching, mimicking his internal confusion oops
nothing makes fred happier than showing muggle technology to grandpa arthur
started wearing glasses when he was ten and is a danger to himself and others without them
was prefect during 6th year and headboy in 7th
never did anythign quidditch related but learned to fly and play very young, obviously. follows all the professional games religiously but not with intense passion, more a need to stay informed
a VERY easy crier who replies to all of his own tears with ‘such nonsense’ :/
SOME STATS YALL
name: FREDERICK ( named after his uncle to mimic the george and fred duo. meaning ‘peaceful ruler’. ) LLYR ( meaning ‘the sea’. ) WEASLEY II
age: twenty two
date of birth: 6th of july, 2001
hometown: muggle london
current location: WC, SOMEONE SHARE A HOUSE OR FLAT WITH THIS MAN, HE’S TOO BROKE TO LIVE ALONE
gender: cis-male
pronouns: he/him
orientation: so gay
blood status: halfblood
hogwarts house: gryffindor
spoken languages: english and some french, can read ancient runes.
occupation: apparition instructor & secretary at the potkey office, within the department of magical transportation
sun sign: cancer
mbti: :/
moral alignment: lawful good
four temperaments: :/
element: water
father: george weasley ( b. 1978 )
mother: angelina weasley née johnson ( b. 1977 )
siblings: roxanne weasley ( b. 2004 )
pets: a dog named lando and a snowy owl named hugh.
wand: black walnut, phoenix feather, twelve inches, reasonably supple.
patronus: elephant
electives: arithmancy & study of ancient runes
NEWTs: arithmancy (A), transfiguration (O), potions (E), herbology (E), charms (O), DADA (E)
hogwarts extracurriculars: prefect, debate club, briefly in the charms club during 4th year
favourite subject: transfiguration
least favourite subject: astronomy
I’M ALMOST DONE I SWEAR
didn’t really write up wanted connections but basically: hogwarts friends (few, very close), order affiliated people who must put up with obsession-fred right now, ministry friends who too are trying to go under the DE radar right now, relatives (especially OLDER weasleys and affiliates), someone please share a house and help him pay rent, someone who did healer training with him??, someone (mostly ministry or hogwarts, because of the apparition classes) who doesn’t trust this weasley boy with his ministry jobs and acess to things, someone who tris to fight him because he’ll cry and then do the magical equivalent of slashing ur tires and cancel your acess to the floo network of ger your apparition license revoked :/
AND some character parallels: john mulaney (yes), alice quinn (the magicians), bill denbrough (it), chidi anagonye (the good place), matthew murdock (marvel), alex wilder (marvel), randall pearson (this is us), “doom days” by bastille (yes, the whole album. don’t ask me why.), soon more i guess stay tuNNED
also here’s a barely done pinterest board love him
#miscarriage tw#this is too long wiehbgr#iidyintro#❛ v . | every step i take i’m falling but my feet won’t touch the ground ; headcanons .
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Why All 7 Guardians of Light Were Meant to Use the Power of Waking
Joshua: “In their world, something happened that brought their existence to
an end. To keep them from fading altogether, I gathered up the very last
remnants of their dreams and looked for a place to give them refuge. Here, I thought they might have a chance–that the pieces of their dreams could make them whole again. Maybe I could give them another chance.”
So, I feel like neither the Realm of Sleep nor the power of waking got properly utilized in the story. I don’t know exactly why, but there definitely were a ton of deviations from the story’s original vision. Maybe it had to do with making the game more accessible to new players. Or perhaps the higher-ups thought constant heart-diving would divert from the action too much, and casual fans wouldn’t appreciate that. Or maybe it was due to the cancellation of BBSV2. Whatever the case, the power of waking got erased from the story almost entirely by Kingdom Hearts 3. It was never even properly explained how the Realm of Sleep differs from the Realm of Darkness.
The whole concept of the Sleeping Worlds is based on ancient shamanism. A shaman is kind of like a death “midwife” or “ambassador”. Your soul is your connection to the divine. It is your source of guidance–and when you lose it, you're really in trouble. You’re stuck in the limbo of the astral realms. A shaman is an explorer within these realities for the purpose of bringing back information and for the purpose of healing. They find lost souls on the other side and attempt to help those souls cross over. When Riku became a Dream Eater for Sora, he basically became a full-fledged shaman.
Joshua was serving the exact same role for Neku and the others. When a person enters the Realm of Sleep, it is after the fragmentation of their soul. It’s a defense mechanism against unbearable trauma. That’s why the characters from The World Ends With You were so important to include in KH3D’s story. They all died in the real world and the Sleeping Traverse Town was a safe haven in another dimension, where they exist in a dream. The Realm of Sleep is a place of total darkness and safety. There’s no conscious awareness whatsoever, in order to shield the ego from pain.
One of the major ceremonies a shaman performs is called a “shamanic journey”. A shaman goes into an altered state of consciousness and travels outside of the space-time continuum into the hidden realms that many term “non-ordinary”. Non-ordinary reality is a parallel universe to ours. Some call it the “Dreamtime”. There is no time in non-ordinary reality. Linear time only exists in the 3rd dimension of physical reality. According to shamanism, there are four “Worlds":
Upper World – The non-ordinary reality of the super-conscious. This is where the Spirit or Higher Self resides. It would be Heaven, essentially.
Middle World – The ordinary reality of the conscious. This is the world we currently exist in. The Realm of Light, basically.
Lower World – The non-ordinary reality of the sub-conscious. This would be the Realm of Darkness, where the individual sub-conscious and the collective sub-conscious merge. Shamans mainly work here.
Under World – There also exists an Under World. This is a state of unconscious that is NOT typically traveled to on shamanic journeys.
So what happens to people who wind up in the unconscious? Well, in the hidden realities there are compassionate spirits who offer their guidance and also their healing help on behalf of all life on earth. These would be the Dream Eaters in KH lore. And that’s basically their job. To escort souls to other, higher realms when they are finally ready. It’s actually not the job of humans to venture to such realms. What the the 7 Guardians of Light are attempting to do by reviving sleeping people is actually a pretty extraordinary endeavor for humans from the Middle World.
Yen Sid: “If we are ever to strike down Xehanort, we need the individuals King Mickey spoke of in his letter. We must lead them out of sorrow and slumber, and back to our world. To do so, seven Sleeping Keyholes must be found and unlocked, and a great power retrieved.”
Acquiring shamanic power involves a “death initiation” ritual. The experience is supposed to bring them in touch with their own death and rebirth, ushering in a new stage of life. During an initiatory experience, a shaman often takes a person to the brink of madness, insanity, and deviance. The purpose of totally losing it is just that: to lose the ego’s hold over us. To loosen our consciousness---that limited, boxed-in perception of what life is all about and which imprisons us within it. It’s these moments of ego death that provide an experience of reality that is larger, deeper, and infinitely more exquisite and beautiful.
This initiation is typically not blissful, fun, nor healing. The shamanic experience is usually filled with terrifying and nightmarish visions or visits from spirits. If a person is called to take on the responsibility of a shaman they usually fall very ill or even to the brink of death. It is considered to be an initiation by the spirits. The experienced shaman keeps the shaman-in-training on the correct path during this process, although the person may believe they have totally lost it. That’s what Yen Sid was attempting to do for Sora and Riku. Yen Sid is using the ancient ways, since he’s a traditionalist. This is how Riku acquires the power of waking. He becomes a true Master.
Speaking of the KH BbS secret cutscene, Ansem the Wise says that he hid his research results in Sora. This complies with what happens in KH Re:coded when Namine says DiZ (Ansem the Wise) has hid something inside Sora. Is that mystery remaining unsolved?
Nomura: Yes. Namine added data to the Jiminy Journal in order to convey that the “pain” of those connected to Sora must be healed, but at the point in time Ansem hid the research results inside Sora, he didn’t know that. Accordingly, Ansem’s research results will become the key to healing the “pain” in the future of the story.
But Sora doesn’t become a true Master. So there had to be a way for a non-Master to use this power. Ansem’s research was said to be the “key” to healing the future pain of the story. Nomura mentioned this many times, so it was clearly supposed to be very important. He said it was supposed to explain the way to bring back lost hearts. Yet that isn’t what it was revealed to be in KH3. At all.
"Believing light and darkness must remain in balance, Master Xehanort seeks to spark war against the ‘tyranny of light’ to restore equilibrium.
In an effort to undermine Xehanort’s plot, Sora, Donald and Goofy search for seven guardians of light and the “Key to Return Hearts,” while King Mickey and Riku search for previous Keyblade wielders.”
—Kingdom Hearts III press release (2013)
An initial press release even mentions something called the “Key to Return Hearts”. Where did that idea go? My conclusion is that Ansem’s research data got badly retconned and the importance of the power of waking was drastically minimized from what it was originally intended to be. Yen Sid implied that Terra, Aqua, and Ven were all in the Realm of Sleep. This power would be necessary to arouse them from their slumber. But the power of waking really wasn’t even used on most of them in KH3, leading to a very confusing story for many people, myself included.
The importance of the power of waking even influenced the Disney world choices. Hercules rescued Meg from the Underworld due to his love for her. Rapunzel brings back Eugene with her light. Elsa’s love for Anna saves her from being frozen solid. Baymax is restored due to his bond with Hiro, etc. These characters are all using the power of waking. These Disney worlds were supposed to have an enormous relevance to the main story. It’s honestly mind-boggling that they still wound up feeling like filler, despite how thematically tied they are to the main plot.
I think the decision to minimize and alter the usage of the power of waking is the very reason everyone seemed to get “jobbed” in KH3. This was a major complaint I’ve seen everywhere. Everyone is constantly getting their ass kicked. My theory: There are countless scenes of characters getting knocked unconscious because that was when they were originally supposed to be using the power of waking. These “dive-into-the-heart” scenes would have been used for character development, and strengthening the relationships between the characters.
At the end of 0.2 Aqua descended into an all-black realm. I think originally, that was the moment she went to the Realm of Sleep. That’s what the totally black background seems to represent in general. Unconsciousness. She can’t take the trauma of almost being saved, then watching that chance slip out of her grasp.
When Sora finally arrives to save her, the scenes are almost identical. Sora would then have to use the power of waking on her. Since Ven’s heart is inside of him, he would be able to do this, not realizing exactly how he did it, though.
I even think King Mickey was going to use the power of waking on Riku at some point in the story. The blackness looks identical to the Realm of Sleep. Perhaps Riku’s trauma is due to the darkness inside of him being part-Terra all along. This realization would make Riku feel pretty terrible and guilty for rejecting it.
Then I think Riku would have to use it on Mickey, after he is defeated by Aqua. Mickey’s trauma would be the tremendous guilt he has over feeling like he abandoned his friends in the darkness for so long. Then Riku would be the one to be his light, just as Mickey was for him in Castle Oblivion. This would have allowed for much deeper development to their relationship, which has been a major focus since CoM.
We already know that Ven has been in the Realm of Sleep since the end of BBS. And again, the all-black background is there. Somebody would need to dive into his inner self and finally awaken him.
That’s exactly what I think Aqua was going to attempt. Sora still doesn’t know how this power works, so he can’t just give Ven back his sleeping heart. Aqua has a close heart connection with Ven, so she tries to awaken him. Then Vanitas arrives. There’s a force-field around Ven’s chamber, so it would take a while to break through. Aqua’s unconscious and helpless, since she’s in the astral realms. Ven’s heart awakens just in time to save her. The scene is similar to the one in BBS, when Ven is frozen solid and Aqua is about to be killed.
Terra would have headed straight to the Realm of Sleep if Aqua didn’t save him the first time. I’m sure that by KH3, he was back there again---especially after becoming one of the 13 Seekers of Darkness. That’s just too traumatic.
When I first saw the scene where Sora freed Terra’s heart, it immediately aroused my suspicions. It was way too quick and easy. I think Ven was originally going to be the one to use the power of waking on Terra. I don’t think anyone else was going to be unconscious during that scene. I think many scenes were rearranged in the final version of the story.
That’s why when Terra wakes up, he immediately rushes straight to Ven. Not because he doesn’t care about Aqua; because Ven was just inside of his heart with him and now he’s the only one unconscious upon Terra’s revival. And that’s why he is crying when he tells Ven that he found him, just like he promised. He used the power of waking on him and found him in the deepest abyss. Their friendship would come full-circle after Terra told Ven he knew he’d be there when he really needed him. Ven would be the one to save his friend, not Sora.
These scenes of everyone out cold are SO similar to the end of KH3D, where Riku is out cold after he dove inside of Sora’s heart. Everyone is huddled around him, worried. Donald is out cold, too. Maybe he was supposed to use the power of waking on Yen Sid or something? Or maybe he went to the Realm of Sleep, after the trauma of using Zetta Flare.
I have absolutely no doubt that after getting kidnapped, mutilated, tortured, and possessed by Xehanort, Isa would have been in the Realm of Sleep along with Terra, Aqua, and Ventus. He’s been there ever since. So Lea would have to use the power of waking on his waifu Isa. To me, it seemed like Isa was created for that very purpose. To give Lea an extremely personal reason to be a Guardian of Light---to give him someone special to use the power of waking on, in order to make his story more emotionally gratifying. Kairi would try to protect him while he’s out cold, searching for his friend in the astral realms, and this would strengthen their friendship, too.
If they had stuck with mind control plot, Isa wouldn’t have been a Nobody at the point he’s revived. When he was re-completed, his heart was still captured by Xehanort, so his body was just an empty shell. They didn’t need to make him a Nobody to use him as a vessel. So, instead of disappearing into darkness, he and Lea would probably just share a moment where Isa wakes up in Lea’s arms, somewhat similar to KH3. However, I think we missed out on a pretty great scene of Isa opening his eyes for the first time, showing they are green again. But my point is, all the scenes of everyone unconscious were supposed to be at the very end of the final battle---after Saix and Terranort are defeated, but before the Xehanorts are defeated.
The press release for KINGDOM HEARTS III unveiled by Square Enix discusses the search for the “Key to Return Hearts.” Is there anything you can tell us about that?
Nomura : There are two possible meanings of the “key.” One of which is the “hardware” key, which opens doors - this is what keys are in general (laughs), and the other is the “light” key, that opens something else. In this case, it is currently unknown as to which type of key Sora must find. This is the main storyline of KINGDOM HEARTS III - Sora must go on an adventure to find the “key” without knowing what or where it is. But as you know, we can’t really say anything else on the subject (laughs).
This is the response Nomura gave in 2013, after that initial press release came out. Sometime after this interview, the story was changed quite a bit. There was absolutely no mention of a “Key to Return Hearts” in the final version of the story, and Ansem’s research data had a negligible impact on the story. In the original version of KH3′s plot, Sora clearly didn’t “get” whatever message Ansem’s research was meant to show him. He isn’t sure what kind of ”key” he is supposed to be looking for, and would spend the whole game looking for it. Is it a Keyblade or...something else?
That’s quite different than what actually happens in the final game, where nobody acts like they have the slightest clue what they’re trying to accomplish. Nomura clearly hinted that the key was a “light” key. The light would open the door to “something else” and this would be the key that would show how to restore lost hearts and heal the “pain” of the characters.
It only makes sense that ALL the Guardians of Light would use this power in the story. It’s literally the power of light. That’s their entire purpose as guardians. This is what the Reiki weapons that Saix had were all about. As a Guardian of Light, you can use your OWN inner light, your aura, for healing purposes. To bring back a person from their sleep and to heal their pain. You don’t need to be some kind of official master. It’s not about a title. It’s about your heart’s connection with the person. Anyone can become someone else’s Dream Eater.
Sora uses this power on everyone during the final battle. I think that everyone getting wiped out was always a part of the story. But Sora saves them, proving that you DON’T need to be a true master to use the power of waking. Then Kairi saves Sora. Kairi is NOT a Keyblade Master. I think Kairi was supposed to be the real hero who saves Sora with her pure light after he uses (or abuses) the power of waking on everyone else. While looking to rescue her, she actually rescues him. That would be a total reversal of her position as a damsel in distress. That’s what makes the most sense to me.
A gold aura signifies divine protection and enlightenment. When you radiate this color aura, it means that you have achieved something that not a lot of people can. The color of enlightenment. It says that the person is being guided by their highest good, and they radiate and glow with the gold energy. Those with a gold aura are able to radiate energy to heal others.
Mr. Nomura, since you are the one that is writing the scenario this time, how is the progress coming along?
Nomura: Since we are arriving near the conclusion of Xehanort in KINGDOM HEARTS III, the outline of the story has been solidified but not necessarily the direction where the KINGDOM HEARTS series is continuing to head. We are still trying to decide where to go from several choices.
Even when this interview was given in 2015, they didn’t know quite where the story was heading in the future. But the basic plot for KH3 was thought of loooooong before 2015. All of the changes to the plot and the butchering of character arcs came later. I’m not convinced that the time travel shenanigans in The Keyblade Graveyard were originally a part of the story. I think that was probably thought up later as a way to introduce us to the concept of time paradoxes and such.
Then the story could “seamlessly” switch over to the time-travelling Foreteller arc stuff and its original characters. Like our good friend “Subject X”. Lea and Isa’s story was butchered altered to accommodate Skuld existing in the current timeline. She wasn’t always supposed to be there, so she needed to take Isa’s place in the story. I suspect it’s the same with Kairi getting killed and Sora disappearing. It’s all just a way to focus on the Foretellers after the Xehanort arc got butchered. Just a hunch.
#KH3#kh meta#kh lea#kh isa#kh sora#kh kairi#kh riku#kh mickey#kh axel#kh terra#kh aqua#kh ventus#anti-kh3#kingdom hearts meta#kingdom hearts#kh3 speculation#kh#kingdom hearts 3#kh iii spoilers#isa kh#leaisa#kh leaisa
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Spyro Reignited Countdown - Spyro the Dragon
Hey, as someone who only owns a Switch of the current console generation, and as someone who grew up playing Spyro on the PS1, I’m super hyped for the return of the dragon!
And I thought up yesterday, what better way to do that than by reviewing every Spyro game I’ve played.
Well, I’ve played... *counts* 22 Spyro games. Counting the 3DS ports of Skylanders games which are different enough to talk about separately.
Alright divide the number of days left until it comes out and...
Uh... one every two days, huh? Guess I better get started! (May space them out or have bonus comparisons/recaps at the end to deal with the extra days)
Spyro the Dragon
The first Spyro game! Also the first video game I ever played. One day, when I was 3, my dad plopped me down in front of the Playstation, gave me the controller, and started up some demo disk. The first one on there was this game called Spyro the Dragon, and he told me what the buttons did (since I couldn’t read the screen that told you), and let me play.
I told my mom about it (divorced parents), and we rented the game from Hollywood Video. *She* played it. She loved it. And I loved watching. And pressing buttons on a controller put into slot 2. I had a fancy Barbie controller. I don’t know what eventually happened to it.
Eventually the Hollywood Video lost the disc and we bought it for ourselves. We were renting it every week, anyway. I remember us going up to the video game counter and my mom going “We’d like to get this game, it’s about a dragon...” and I shouted “And he’s purple! And his name is Spyro!” I loved him so much.
Now I didn’t play through the entire game myself until I was a teen, but unlike any other game, I did see the ending as a kid because my mom was able to make it through the game, into 100%. It’s a series we bonded over, and I have so much nostalgia for it. I can’t wait to play it in Reignited and see what she remembers.
Anyway, stopping with the memories and onto the review! It’s just... really hard to be fair for a game like this. I have too much nostalgia related to it. Honestly, though, that’s the case for a lot of the series.
Gameplay
Spyro the Dragon is an early 3D platformer. Despite being early, though, it controls really well. I’ve played a few others from that era (Croc, uh... Crash? Maybe not a few) and none of them control quite as well as Spyro does. Spyro is extremely responsive, stopping and starting on a dime.
You have two attacks, spitting fire and charging with your horns. The latter can be used to move quicker, but you don’t turn as sharply when running. When to use each attack is well-conveyed, as large opponents are immune to your horns, but weak to your fire, and opponents with a shiny metal shield are the opposite. There’s a few enemies immune to both, but they can be beaten by ways that are broadcasted well.
Collectables
One of those ways is the dragons. There’s three main collectables in this game: Gems, Eggs and Dragons. Gems are everywhere, Eggs are only in a few levels, and Dragons are placed in key locations in each level. The Dragons are I suppose the main collectable, but all three are needed for progress. Dragons in particular also double as tutorial and lore pieces, as each tells you something when you free him. They also all look unique, with each of the five species having their own general look and each individual having his own textures. I go into a lot more detail in this blog post. This really makes the dragons in this game stand out amongst the series, as no other collectables are nearly as unique.
Gems I don’t really know what to say about. Many collectathon platformers have collectables like them: something spread around every level so you need to explore the entire play area. Gems are special in that each one has a different value: red being 1, green being 2, blue being 5, gold being 10, and purple being 25. And this spread shows approximately how common each was, with the lower values being more common and spread around, and the higher values being rewards for going into more out-of-the-way areas. Collecting them is satisfying, especially in larger amounts. Just watching the numbers spin is one of the highlights of this game, especially at the end of the bonus level.
Eggs are special. They come from chasing down blue thieves, which are the most annoying enemy in the game. Sure, now I can get them in one try, but back at the beginning the ones that don’t have a full circular path were the most annoying things, since if you got to the end, they’d just jump out of reach and taunt you.
Powerups
There’s two main powerups in this game: Superflame and Supercharge. Both have a couple of levels that use them extensively.
Superflame definitely is the weaker of the two. You get kissed by a fairy, turn red, and then for a limited amount of time you can use your flame breath to destroy metal objects and enemies. In the two levels it’s in, there’s an enemy you specifically need to use it on: the terrifying spiders and the enchanted suits of armor. The thing is, Superflame otherwise looks and works exactly like normal flame, just is usable on more things. While it’s cool to get the limitless one in Haunted Towers, overall it’s not a very memorable ability, and is improved dramatically in the sequels.
Supercharge you get from charging over lit arrows, and it enhances your charge to work on larger enemies and makes you go really, really fast. It takes a bit to master, but once you do, it is a very satisfying skill to use. Too bad none of the levels in this game have a limitless track to use it on. The levels that use it use it in very creative ways, including the one where I’m not even sure how you’re supposed to know the path you’re supposed to take. It really spices up the gameplay, to the point where Tree Tops feels like an entirely different game. And if you know me, you know that I love games that spice up the gameplay.
Bosses
The one weak point of this game is its bosses. They’re basically normal enemies, just with a slight gimmick. And that gimmick usually involves a large battlefield where they will run away from you. It does make you feel powerful: after all, they’re running away from the fire-breathing dragon attacking them. But at the same time, they offer very little challenge. The only really interesting one is Metalhead with his electric-guarded power generators, but even then, it’s not like he can hit you or anything unless you’re standing completely still. And the final boss is only hard because of how many holes the stage has in it. Not at all because of Gnasty. He’s still the most likely to directly hit you of all the bosses, but that’s not saying much.
Levels
The levels are all themed to their world, which is pretty neat, but does get repetitive at times. Still, it made each world feel more real.
Speaking of things feeling more real, something I’ve noticed is that Spyro the Dragon doesn’t fall into the same pitfall of having platforms that are just platforms because this is a platformer. Every piece of land is connected to something, oftentimes even in Dream Weavers which is literally floating islands. Moving platforms are caused by wizards, dangerous platforms are caused by Gnorcs zapping them, and often random platforms in the middle of the level are themed to it, like the stumps in Beast Makers.
The game progresses from easy to hard very smoothly, adding more gimmicks and platforming challenges as it goes along. This is also shown by the Gnorcs getting more competent as the game goes along, beginning with no weaponry in Artisans, getting cannons in Peacekeepers, electricity in Beast Makers, and finally machine guns in Gnorc Gnexus. Too bad Gnasty never learned to use a gun.
Story
Gnasty Gnorc turns all the dragons into crystal for insulting him on live TV. And if you read the instruction manual you learn that he hates gems because he hates his own reflection because he is too ugly. Really, there’s not too much here, but that’s not the point of the game. At least it’s not a save-the-girl plot. You don’t really see save-the-adults too often.
Unique in the Series?
Truly what makes this game unique is the fact that it’s completely platforming-based. No minigames, few gimmicks, just the entire game is platforming and collecting stuff.
This comes with a lack of real NPCs, which many people find makes the game lonely, but I don’t mind at all. It’s definitely a different feel from later games, but it’s not in a bad way.
Also something I’m surprised is unique to this game is the fact that many of the secrets involve going onto parts of the level that look like they should not be accessible. You glide onto the surrounding hillsides in Stone Hill, you climb up nearly-invisible steps in Terrace village, and you use the walls that look just like random scenery to fully explore Misty Bog. This type of thing isn’t used in future Spyro games, and rarely (if ever?) in video games in general. Truly a unique experience that has since turned me into an accidental bug hunter because I keep trying to get out-of-bounds just in case in other games.
Conclusion
All-in-all, Spyro the Dragon is tied for my favorite video game of all time with its sequel, Spyro 2. I compare everything I play to these games. They’re just the standard. I love them. Nostalgia-bias? Maybe. But despite there being a few flaws, I can’t really find fault when I play it. It’s too fun.
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You’re traveling through another dimension…
The place is New Jersey, the time is 2001, and the journey into the shadows that you’re about to read is my journey. My journey in committing myself to see every episode of The Twilight Zone.
I grew up watching Twilight Zone reruns on TV; loving the style, imagination, and colorful characters. In or around 2001, as a high-school freshman, I saved up to buy The Twilight Zone Companion by Marc Scott Zicree. It shocked me to learn how many episodes of the show I hadn’t seen after years of faithfully watching reruns and the bi-annual marathons.
Yes, this is that same copy of The Twilight Zone Companion.
Setting a goal for myself to see every episode, checking them off in the book as I went along, was a daunting task back then. Not only were there no streaming services, but also no complete home-video release. (For the longest time CBS Home Video only released collections of episodes in no discernible order on VHS and DVD.) On top of that, a few of the episodes were not in syndication. Praise be to Serling, my parents owned one of the compilation tapes that included one of these episodes (The Encounter). Of course, I then understood why it wasn’t in syndication… It has since returned to the airwaves for some reason.
In the end, it took me a little over a year to see all of them with the help of timed recording on my VCR.
I wasn’t lying about checking off the episodes...
It’s great that The Twilight Zone is now available on multiple streaming services in addition to The Scifi Channel still playing reruns. Now none of you need to have my single-minded dedication to seemingly pointless tasks to discover television shows that were cancelled forty years before you were born.
Over the next two days, in honor of the marathon, I’ll make a series of posts to help all of you make the most of your first journey into imagination of 2018.
Below the jump, you’ll find a little bit about each of my favorite episodes. That’s the signpost up ahead--
--your next stop, The Twilight Zone!
The Invaders
Season 2, Episode 15
Director: Douglas Heyes | Writer: Richard Matheson
A woman living in an isolated cabin spends a terrifying night with tiny spacemen.
Agnes Moorehead is undoubtedly one of the best and most under-appreciated actors of the last century. The Invaders is a great episode from a technical and stylistic standpoint, but Moorehead’s performance still stands out. What a wonderful stroke of genius it was to take a woman so known for her radio work, for her inimitable voice, and cast her in a role with no dialogue. It’s a testament to how well this episode is made that the titular invaders are honest-to-goodness hand puppets but it’s one of the series’ most tense and terrifying entries.
A Stop at Willoughby
Season 1, Episode 30
Director: Robert Parrish | Writer: Rod Serling
A harrowed Madison Avenue ad man, dissatisfied with his life, begins to dream about another, quieter life in a town called Willoughby.
Nostalgia is a common theme throughout the entirety of the series and this is examination of sehnsucht the best execution of the theme. Gart Williams (James Daly) isn’t wistful about his own past (as with the simpler, but also great Walking Distance). Instead he yearns for some nebulous summer in the late 19th century, some nebulous place in America, unknown to him but relaxed enough that he’d have all the time in the world to “live his life full measure.” James Daly portrays Gart as someone who is too tired to continue functioning professionally or personally. His turn to nostalgia is driven by depression and the exhaustion that depression always seems to have at the ready in its handbag.
Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up?
Season 2, Episode 28
Director: Montgomery Pittman | Writer: Rod Serling
When a UFO crashes into the woods on a snowy night, two state troopers track footprints to a roadside diner filled with bus passengers stuck by a bridge gone out. Will they be able to figure out who doesn’t belong?
Serling takes a classic mystery premise and adds a science-fictional spin with Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up? It’s a lively episode with well-limned character work. Serling loves karmic retribution, especially when it takes the form of a twist on top of a twist. This episode illustrates the concept in spades, though I won’t elaborate further in case you haven’t seen this one yet!
Where is Everybody?
Season 1, Episode 1
Director: Robert Stevens | Writer: Rod Serling
A man arrives at a small town with no idea how he got there or who he is. Unfortunately, there’s not a single soul in town to clear things up for him.
The origins of The Twilight Zone lie in a TV drama Rod Serling wrote called The Time Element (which is on the complete series home video release btw). That story certainly contains the necessary ingredients we’ve now come to associate with the show, but it’s with the pilot Where is Everybody? that Serling hammers out exactly how he plans to approach short speculative stories: Human dramas that often deal with the interior life of a person when they’re faced with extraordinary circumstance. Earl Holliman’s acting is often rightfully lauded as well as Serling’s writing. The camera work by Joseph La Shelle is incredibly artful for TV photography of the time, using camera angles and movement to reflect the feelings of the main character or to emphasize the feeling of being watched by an unseen observer.
Nothing in the Dark
Season 3, Episode 16
Director: Lamont Johnson | Writer: George Clayton Johnson
An elderly, fearful woman is faced with a conundrum when a young police officer is wounded on her doorstep.
I always marvel at how beautifully executed Twilight Zone episodes are that take place in a single cramped space with a small cast of characters. This one happens to be a meditation on the nature of fear and death in a basement apartment with an old lady and a young man. George Clayton Johnson is one of the first writers outside of Serling to write for the series and Nothing in the Dark proves he was very capable of handling the tone, style, and themes of the series. Gladys Cooper stars in a few episodes, but this is her most tender and heartfelt role. She has great chemistry with Robert Redford, who plays the ailing baby-faced cop.
The Hitch-Hiker
Season 1, Episode 16
Director: Alvin Ganzer | Writer: Rod Serling (story by Lucille Fletcher)
Nan Adams starts continually seeing the same strange man hitchhiking along the roadside as she drives across the country.
The original version of this story was a radio play written by Lucille Fletcher. In the radio broadcasts of the story, Orson Welles plays the lead. It’s worth a listen after viewing the episode both because Welles is an excellent radio actor and because of how much of the mood of the story in light of the gender swap. When Serling bought the story from Fletcher to adapt it, she did not approve of gender-swapping the protagonist. It’s an interesting point to reflect on. Stevens’ Nan is instantly vulnerable as a young woman traveling completely alone; a strange man maybe stalking her is a real and common danger. Her fear is reasonable and it adds to the anxiety of the gradual revelation that the danger may actually be supernatural. With Welles, a man with such an imposing figure (that comes through in his voice) so quickly disquieted by a random man along the side of the road instantly signals to the listener that there may be more going on than meets the eye (or ear). They’re practically telling two different stories.
And When the Sky Was Opened
Season 1, Episode 11
Director: Douglas Heyes | Writer: Rod Serling (story by Richard Matheson)
Three test pilots are hospitalized after a crash landing. One by one they lose their grip on their very existence.
Speculative fiction stories dealing with space travel in the early days of manned space exploration are such a treat. They’re a window into our collective fears about the speed of our move into unexplored territory; physically, theoretically, and philosophically. This episode wastes no time getting deep into the unexplained. Rather than starting with the crash, it’s a few days later and one of the pilots (Charles Aidman) has already disappeared along with any evidence of his existence; except of course for the memories of his colleague (Rod Taylor). And When the Sky Was Opened is also a great example of what my SO refers to as a “Weird, ain’t it?” episode, where you’re presented with a concept and not given any resolution.
It’s a shame Rod Taylor wasn’t in more episodes. He’s clearly tuned into The Twilight Zone’s frequency.
The Last Rites of Jeff Myrtlebank
Season 3, Episode 23
Director: Montgomery Pittman | Writer: Montgomery Pittman
When a young Jeff Myrtlebank wakes up at his own funeral, he’s not quite the same as he used to be.
Confession: when I was a kid, I hated the folksy episodes of The Twilight Zone. I didn’t relate to the oft idealized, fictionalized version of the American Middle West. I can’t say I relate to it exactly, but as I’ve traveled more and met a lot more people from the Midwest, the South, & Appalachia, I can appreciate it better now, albeit from a distance.
The episode begins with an homage to Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and then moves into an imagining of what would happen if the devil showed up in St. Petersburg. The musical cues are often a little over the top, but the performances aren’t. All the supporting characters are very realistic* and it makes Jeff (James Best) stick out all the more. Best will go from sprightly to morose to furious in a single scene. He does great work varying his voice, facial expressions, and posture to convey that he’s not quite Jeff and it’s genuinely scary at times.
*(note: not insultingly backwoodsy or prone to superstition as stereotypes might dictate)
Eye of the Beholder
Season 2, Episode 6
Director: Douglas Heyes | Writer: Rod Serling
A woman recovering from extensive plastic surgery is hoping against hope that the procedure will make her “normal-looking” so that she can have a regular life in her repressive society.
Technically, this episode is exquisite. The lighting and cinematography turn the plainness of a hospital into a ghastly limbo. The point of the story might be a bit overwrought, but the monologues are delivered by Maxine Stuart as Janet Tyler are powerful, especially paired with the acting she does with her hands. If you already know the twist of the episode, it’s a whole lot of fun to track how the director and DP work around the reveal.
While Maxine Stuart plays the role of Janet beneath the bandages, Janet is played by Donna Douglas of Beverly Hillbillies fame post recovery. Originally this was rationalized as the director wanting Janet to sound a certain way and look a certain way and it would be easier to cast by voice and looks separately then just dub the actress with the looks. Then, when Douglas showed up to film, she insisted she could sound like Stuart and, lo, she does.
I Sing the Body Electric
Season 3, Episode 35
Director: James Sheldon & William Claxton | Writer: Ray Bradbury
When three children aren’t coping well with the loss of their mother, their father tries out a new robot grandma service.
I Sing the Body Electric has a truly unique atmosphere compared to other Twilight Zone episodes. It could be that it’s the only story Ray Bradbury wrote for the show. It could be the edge of artificiality created by the lighting in many of the scenes. Or that the presentation of a loving man-made grandmother emerging from a void is more theatrical than usual. It’s likely a mix of the three, but it’s a strange one no matter. As the grandmother emerges from a void, she retires to a room of grandmother voices. It hints at an amazing AI concept.
Honorable Mention:
The Masks
Season 5, Episode 9
An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge
Season 5, Episode 22
The After Hours
Season 1, Episode 34
The Big Tall Wish
Season 1, Episode 27
#The Twilight Zone#Twilight Zone#Rod Serling#Twilight Zone Marathon#new year's#new year's day#new year's eve#Richard Matheson#Ray Bradbury#Montgomery Pittman#agnes moorehead#rod taylor#inger stevens#gladys cooper#robert redford#speculative fiction#science fiction#sci-fi#fantasy#horror#television#tv#list#best of
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A Literary Love
Yo! So this is the first fic I ever wrote. Yeah, scary! I posted it online in January and it got some pretty overwhelming feedback so I figured I would share it here with all of you! Please like and reblog and share and do all the fun things if you like it! I’ll be posting the parts to my current fic soon :)
Also on AO3
Rating: Teen & up
Pairing: Stiles/Derek (Sterek)
Words: 11,143
Summary: "Walking down a foreign street in an unfamiliar city, Stiles searches for refuge from the bitter November cold. He’s not quite sure how he ended up here, stumbling through the streets of New York City at 5am before the sun has even risen, when less than a week ago he was still back home in Beacon Hills just waiting for his real life to begin."
OR
Stiles is an aspiring writer trying to find his way in the world (and New York City), and Derek is the proud owner of a bookshop cafe who just wants to be as happy as his parents were.
Warnings: Description of a panic attack, and the Hale parents die in a car crash. Please, if you think any of this may trigger you, do not read
The bookstore sat in between the bank and the pharmacy; short, squat and out of place. From the outside looking in, it was a very ordinary sort of place on a very ordinary sort of street. An ageing red brick building with a wide store front window that was half covered by a bookshelf, and a very grand-looking black door with a well-used brass knob placed in the middle. It is outside this bookstore where we meet our fearless hero. Alright, maybe not fearless. Okay, maybe he’s a little less than heroic, but he is the centre of our story so we should be nice to him, shouldn’t we? Anyway.
Walking down a foreign street in an unfamiliar city, Stiles searches for refuge from the bitter November cold. He’s not quite sure how he ended up here, stumbling through the streets of New York City at 5am before the sun has even risen, when less than a week ago he was still back home in Beacon Hills just waiting for his real life to begin. Fresh out of college at BHU, Stiles always dreamed of moving to the big city and making a life for himself. Sure, leaving his dad wasn’t easy, but the Sheriff had Melissa now, and it wasn’t like they didn’t talk on the phone at every spare moment anyway.
Stiles knows that he was lucky, he had worked like a dog through college, enduring the most degrading of jobs in order to make just enough money to scrape by until he caught his big break. His big break which was going to begin in a matter of hours. Shit.
Stiles abruptly realises that as this barrage of overwhelming thoughts had hit him, he has stopped walking, his feet coming to a standstill on the uneven pavement. He closes his eyes and shakes his head, trying to block out the panic that is tightening his chest before exhaling in a long, slow breath. Calm down, he thinks to himself, this could be the start of something amazing. This could be the beginning of the rest of your life.
“Are you alright?” A voice sounds from in front of Stiles, startling him from his thoughts. His eyes shoot open in shock before settling upon the figure in front of him.
Stiles’ breath hitches in his throat as his bleary eyes rake up the body of the man in front of him. Dark jeans. Black leather jacket. The man is built like Adonis, all lean muscle, pulling tight the fabric of his forest green Henley, and then there’s his face. High, chiselled cheek bones and a sharp, beautifully sculpted jaw dusted with dark stubble to match the thick, dark eyebrows which are currently drawn together in obvious concern for Stiles’ wellbeing. But, however stunning these features are, they’re not what causes the tightness in Stiles’ chest to reappear tenfold. It’s the eyes. An impossible colour, Stiles thinks. They’re breath taking, deep and clear, a beautiful vibrant green only made brighter by the man’s dark appearance.
“Uhh…” Stiles drawls unintelligibly, feeling his jaw drop in to its default gawp before he remembers his training. By training, he means the years he has spent as a close friend of the stunning Lydia Martin, conditioning himself not to turn in to a drooling idiot when faced with beautiful people. Stiles clears his throat, willing his voice to hold.
“Yeah,” he says, the calmness of his voice surprising him, “Sorry, I’m not quite with it yet. Actually, I’m not sure I even know where I am. I only just moved here.”
Considering how utterly beautiful the man is, Stiles is quite taken aback when he is offered a sheepish, almost shy half-smile.
“Ah, well, I was just about to start my shift at the bookstore,” the man begins before gesturing with his hand towards the red brick building, “There’s a 24-hour café inside if you wanted a coffee to, uh, make you a little more ‘with it’?” The half-smile is still adorning those perfectly full lips, and Stiles can’t help but think that it is so unfair that this guy can pull off drop dead gorgeous and sickeningly adorable at the same time. Stiles grins back at the man, hoping to convey the intense happiness that the words “coffee” and “bookstore” had brought him.
“No. Way. A 24-hour bookstore? With coffee? I think I just discovered heaven on earth in New York,” he gushes before having to stifle a large yawn, “also, do you have the wherewithal to inject the caffeine straight in to my bloodstream? Like an IV line or something? Because, technically I haven’t slept yet and, well, if it hasn’t happened yet I don’t see it happening any time in the near future, I can never sleep in the day time. It just won’t happen; I get distracted too easily.”
The man seems slightly taken aback by the litany of words that had just come from Stiles’ mouth, and Stiles begins bracing himself for the usual “Wow, you talk a lot,” or, “Why are you so hyperactive?” that he gets from people who don’t know him. Stiles, himself, is slightly taken aback when instead of this reaction, the man’s lips quirk up at the corner into an absolutely devastating smirk, which has Stiles’ breath catching in his throat for the second time in as many minutes.
“I’ll see what I can do,” the man quips, smirk transforming back in to the same shy half-smile as if he had suddenly realised that his expression had changed, “you’d better follow me then.”
With that, the man moves to walk past Stiles before entering the bookstore and Stiles definitely does not stare at his butt as he walks away. How dare you even suggest such a thing, you heathen. He does, however, glance up at the sign hanging outside the store. A large black paw print is painted upon a white surface, and a human hand print formed in negative white space within the paw, and the words “Brew Bear Books” arching over the claws at the top. Stiles smiled to himself, taking one final long breath before walking to the large black door and pushing it open with a faint *ding* overhead.
***
The sight that greets Stiles when he enters the bookstore is not what he expected from its outward appearance. The door is on the left side of the storefront, and from the moment Stiles steps through it all he can see was…well, books. To his left the whole wall of the store is made up of one large floor-to-ceiling bookcase and to his right shorter, shoulder-high bookcases make up a walkway that leads to a door on the far wall of the store. On the right side, a few metres in, there is a gap between the bookcases, and through it Stiles can see a few tables and chairs. The gap opens in to a large room, its walls lined with bookcases and Stiles steps into it, trying to take in his surroundings. Along the back wall stands the counter, a long bar with a few stools, a pastry display case and a large silver coffee machine. Stiles doesn’t think he’s ever been happier to see a coffee machine in his life.
Just as Stiles opens his mouth to call out and see where the beautiful man has gone to, a head pops up from behind the counter. The woman who stands before him is terrifying. Beautiful, but terrifying. Her long, dark hair is scraped back in to a ponytail which only accentuates her high cheekbones and strong jawline. Even from where Stiles stands half way across the room he can easily see the mischief in her clear hazel eyes. Her full, red-painted lips are curled in to an almost predatory smile and Stiles can’t help but feel like a rabbit being watched by a wolf; wide-eyed and terrified.
“Well, hello there.” She speaks in a flirtatious, saccharine voice which Stiles can tell is not her usual tone. She rests her elbow on the counter, setting her head in the palm of her hand and leaning forward almost provocatively as she drags her eyes appraisingly up Stiles’ body, before narrowing her eyes slightly as if she were trying to figure something out. Stiles definitely feels like prey. He is abruptly ripped from his thoughts by a hurried thud-thud-thud, the unmistakable sound of someone running down stairs. The door in the back-right corner of the shop next to the counter swings open revealing a flight of stairs and the beautiful man from the street at the bottom of them looking just as terrified as Stiles feels. He gives Stiles a quick glance before turning to the woman behind the counter, looking incredibly uncomfortable.
“Laura,” the man exclaims with an air of nonchalance that Stiles can see straight through. His voice sounds strained, as if he were just as nervous as he looked; which, in the presence of the feral/beautiful woman – Laura – would not surprise Stiles in the slightest. “Thank you so much for covering for Erica. I can take over from here if you want to clock out, I’m sure you’re tired.” The man seems to be well practiced in avoiding Laura’s searching gaze. Her predatory smile only grows larger and toothier as she takes in the avoidant man in front of her, her eyes flicking momentarily towards Stiles before settling back on her co-worker.
“Wow, Derek! Speaking in whole sentences, not glaring, being pleasant, what’s gotten in to you I wonder?” As she speaks, her eyes flick once again towards Stiles, her stare lingering a little longer before looking back at her co-worker who is now, indeed, scowling angrily at her. The expression was gone almost as quickly as it appeared as the man’s eyes mirror the movement of Laura’s, his face softening whilst his eyes linger on Stiles.
Derek. Stiles juggles the name around in his mind for a moment before deciding that he likes the way that it sounded; he can definitely imagine moaning that loud and unashamedly. Wait, what? A blush begins to spread up Stiles’ neck and over his face at the thought he’d just had. Derek, however, takes in Stiles’ embarrassed expression and furrows his brow apologetically.
“Sorry,” he speaks so softly that Stiles is straining to hear him, “I’m Derek, and this is my sister, Laura. We own this place together.” Pride is rolling off Derek in waves, not smug or self-important, he just seems so pleased with this little slice of Stiles’ own personal heaven which he owned. Derek turns to his sister, saying, “Laura, this is –” he pauses, realising that he hasn’t actually asked the smaller man for his name yet.
“Stiles,” he supplies helpfully, offering a smirk at Laura’s slightly confused yet inquisitive expression. “It’s a nickname I got when I was a kid, my actual first name is Polish and it’s a mouthful. Kind of impossible to pronounce. Honestly, it’s my name and I’m not even sure I can say it right. Nobody uses it, not even my dad. Everybody calls me Stiles because my last name is Stilinski. Hell, every August since my freshman year of junior high I would hack in to the school’s registration system and change my name to Stiles.” He chuckles to himself at the memories, a wide grin splitting his face.
“Good times.” Stiles looks up to find Derek staring at him slightly slack-jawed, and Laura glancing at her brother with an amused smirk on her lips. He clears his throat roughly, his face dropping entirely and giving way to a sheepish, self-deprecating smile. “Uh – sorry. I tend to talk a lot. Bad habit,” he says, raising his hand to scratch the back of his neck nervously.
“Uh, n-no! No,” Derek flounders, eyes going wide, as if suddenly realising that he had been staring. “I didn’t mean to- I mean you just- Uhh…” Laura’s snort of laughter breaks both Stiles and Derek from their embarrassed musings.
“Derek isn’t really a talker,” Laura says, ignoring Derek’s embarrassed noise of protest, “he’s a growl-er. And a listener. You talk a lot. Derek likes people who talk a lot. It means he doesn’t have to talk as much,” she spoke in short, sharp sentences, as if he would be easily confused, before a wolfish smile spread across her red lips. “-and you, damn, you talk with your whole body, don’t you, honey?” She croons, giving Stiles another appreciative once-over.
“Laura,” Derek warns in a stern voice which totally did not turn Stiles on, not at all. “Don’t objectify the customers, its rude, creepy and unprofessional.”
“Yeah, yeah,” she sighs, sounding very much like she had heard this speech before, “but just you wait until Erica meets him. There are going to be fights over this one,” she winks at Stiles who simply raises an eyebrow at her, but before Derek could protest, she speaks again, “anyway, I’m out. See you later baby brother. And Stiles, dear, feel free to drop by any time at all, like in the evenings when I’ll be here, alone.” With that, she grabs her jacket from behind the counter, breezing past Stiles and out the door.
Stiles is still staring at the space behind the counter where Laura had once stood. He knows that his mouth is slightly agape, and that his eyebrows are probably furrowed in to an expression of confusion mixed with fear. The sound of Derek awkwardly clearing his throat breaks Stiles from his stupor. He turns to see Derek awkwardly scratching the back of his neck, a blush tinting the tips of his ears and the apples of his cheeks with the most beautiful pink colour that Stiles has ever seen. Derek opens his mouth to speak and Stiles knows – he just knows – that he is about to apologise, but Stiles doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want Derek to be sorry for anything.
“Why do I get the feeling that I don’t really want to meet Erica?” Stiles says in a jovial tone. Derek’s eyes snap up to Stiles, who shoots him a coy grin in return. And then something beautiful happens. Derek laughs. His laugh doesn’t bark out like Stiles’ own does. It doesn’t continuously bubble away like his dad’s does. No. It’s a laugh like rain. It starts as a quiet huff of air that escalates to a warm, throaty chuckle before finally the heavens open and Derek is laughing loudly and with complete abandon. His head thrown back, his hand covering his eyes, and Stiles is drowning. He knows his own grin is probably manic-looking, but in that moment, he can’t really give a damn.
“So, how do you take your coffee?”
***
After Derek makes him a cup of (frankly, pretty amazing) coffee, Stiles slowly begins to feel more like a human being, and less like a zombie. With this newfound energy comes words, and lots of them. Stiles can’t help but feel relaxed around Derek, like he isn’t being judged for being nosey or loud or hyperactive. Stiles can’t help but feel like he wants to know all that he can about Derek.
“So, a coffee shop bookstore, huh? How’d you come in to owning a place like this, man, it’s awesome!” Stiles asks, eyes scanning the shelves around the room, one hand clutching his coffee and the other tracing over the spines of the books lining the case closest to the counter, a private smile adorning his face. If he were looking, Stiles would see Derek’s own lips curve in to a reverent smile as he watches Stiles.
“Thanks,” Derek huffs a laugh and Stiles turns away from the books to face him. “Uh, well, I got a degree in English Literature from NYU a few years back and I sorta freaked out when I left because I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I moved in with Laura, who was working as a lawyer at the time and got a job in the NYU library.”
“Oh my god I can’t imagine you as a librarian!” Stiles laughs out, “Please tell me you wore slacks and a cardigan. Oh, my god, do you wear glasses? That would be so adorable!” He rambles, watching as that beautiful blush once again works its way up Derek’s neck and on to his ears and cheeks. Stiles decides to change the subject. “Also, Laura as a lawyer? She seems like a sexual harassment lawsuit just waiting to happen.”
“Yeah, she’s loosened up a lot in the last few years. Sometimes I think a little too much.” Derek says, huffing that small laugh which has Stiles grinning. “Laura hated her job, always felt that she’d made a mistake, and I wasn’t much better, wallowing in my own misery with no idea what to do with my life.
“One day about three years ago we both had a day off at the same time, we got in to Laura’s car and just drove out of the city until we ran out of gas. Broke down in a small town outside the city limits and stopped in a little coffee shop there to wait for a tow truck, just people watching. It was a kinda beat up place, you know, mismatching furniture and old equipment, but everyone in there looked so happy. All the workers knew the clients by name, they were all regulars and everyone was smiling, like it was a home away from home. That’s when Laura and I decided to open a café.” Derek speaks softly, a wistful smile on his lips and Stiles finds that once again he cannot help but stare.
“Wow, man. That’s such a beautiful story, it sounds like something from a movie. Doesn’t explain the books, though.” Stiles knows there probably wasn’t more to it than just Derek having a love of books, having already said he worked in a library, but Stiles just doesn’t want Derek to stop talking.
“Ah, well, that’s a much longer story.” Derek still speaks softly, but his smile is now tinged with a sadness that Stiles can hardly bare. He decides that he never want to see Derek sad again. Nope, never.
“Hey, it’s okay, man. You don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to, I’m pretty sure I can talk enough for the both of us. But, you know, I’ll definitely listen, if you want me to. Your sister said you’re a listener but, I’m sure that sometimes even listeners need someone to talk to. You know, someone who will, uh, listen.” Stiles knows he’s rambling again, but honestly, Derek gaping at him as he had the last time Stiles rambled would be a billion times better than Derek looking sad.
“No, no, it’s okay.” Derek says, his eyes flitting over Stiles’ face and his smile brightening slightly. “Laura’s always saying that I need to talk about it more.”
So, Derek talks, and Stiles listens.
***
Okay, so, Derek talks for a while and Stiles does listen, but once Derek is done with his story it turns in to more of a conversation. As it turns out, Derek and Laura’s parents died in a car accident when they were teenagers. Coming from a wealthy family, they inherited a bunch of money from insurance, as well as their family home which contained an extensive private library. When he and Laura decided to open the café, Derek concluded that embracing his love of literature and selling books from the private library would be a great way to attract more customers, and also to stay close to his parents who both loved books. So, they sorted through the collection and removed anything of sentimental value (story books their parents used to read them as kids, a first edition of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy that their mother had bought their father for an anniversary) before moving it all to their new café. Stiles thinks it’s beautiful, romantic and definitely does not sigh dreamily throughout Derek’s story.
Stiles can tell that talking about his parents is not easy for Derek, so he decides that the best thing would be to talk animatedly about himself, his friends and family until Derek forgets about his sadness and maybe smiles that beautiful smile again. So, Stiles talks. He talks about his dad the Sheriff, he talks about his best friend Scott, who’s mum Melissa is now with Stiles’ dad which is just so cool, Derek, it’s like were real brothers. He talks about his home town of Beacon Hills, and about his major in Criminal Justice and about his minor in Mythological Studies. He even talks about his own mom, who died when he was a kid. And Derek listens. Derek listens to every word, smiling, nodding and asking the occasional question, not at all looking at Stiles like he’s crazy or like he should shut up. Derek is unlike anyone Stiles has ever met before.
***
In theory, Stiles knows that he and Derek have been talking for quite a while. Their conversation has progressed from their favourite books to their favourite music and through some very odd transition on to their childhood pets. However, it still catches Stiles by surprise when he feels the warm rays of the morning sun warming the back of his neck through the café windows.
“Woah, dude, when did the sun come up?” Stiles says, bewildered after an anecdote about his childhood cat, Whiskers. Derek chuckles before answering.
“Over an hour ago, it’s almost 8am.” Derek says after checking the time, eyes wide in surprise as if he, too, had thought it was still much earlier.
“8am? Really? Already?” Stiles stammers out, because 8am seriously, he only had 4 hours before it was time, before his fate was decided and he wasn’t ready, he wasn’t, he wasn’t. Stiles can feel his chest tightening, his breath coming shallower and the lightheaded feeling he dreads seeping in.
“Stiles? Stiles!” He can vaguely hear Derek calling his name, but the sound was being drowned out by the rushing of blood in his ears, his heart hammering in his chest. Stiles can feel the tell-tale shaking in his hands, and then in his knees and oh, since when is he on the floor.
Before he can register what is happening, large, strong hands are manoeuvring him so that his back is propped up against a bookshelf. His head is swimming, large black spots dancing across his vision as he desperately tries to control his frantic breathing.
“Stiles. Hey, Stiles, you’re okay. That’s it, you’re okay. I’ve got you, you’re safe, everything is fine. Everything is okay, it’s okay, I’ve got you.” Derek. Stiles can hear Derek’s voice breaking through the rushing, can almost make out his blurry shape over him. He just keeps talking and talking, reassuring words in Stiles’ ears. Derek takes Stiles’ hand and presses the palm to his chest.
“Just breathe with me. That’s it. Good, come on, Stiles. You’re fine, I’ve got you, just breathe.” Stiles can hear the worry in Derek’s voice and wants so desperately to tell him that’s he would be fine, that he’s used to this, but he can’t find it in him to speak. In an attempt to communicate, he curls his trembling fingers in to Derek’s shirt, fisting it and squeezing tight to try and quell the shaking. Somehow, Derek seems to understand the signal.
“That’s it, good, good. Just breathe, Stiles. Please, please, just breathe.” Derek whispers, sounding rather breathless himself. He raises his hand and slides it along Stiles’ cheek, cupping his jaw and stroking with his thumb, attempting to calm the younger man. As soon as Stiles feels the warm, callused palm on his face he leans in to the comfort, closing his eyes and instantly feeling better. He’s still trembling like a leaf, but his breath is beginning to come easier. They stay like that for what could have been minutes or hours before Stiles feels able to speak.
“I’m so sorry,” Stiles says, taking a breath, eyes still closed. “That must have been so-” Gasp. “-strange to see me just-” Pant. “-go off like that at nothing.” Swallow.
“Stiles, look at me,” Derek speaks softly, using the hand what was still on Stiles’ jaw to turn his face towards him, “Don’t you ever apologise for something like that. Ever. It’s not your fault, okay?” He waits for Stiles’ feeble nod before continuing. “I just wish that I could have been of more help. Let me go get you a glass of water.”
The moment Derek stands to go behind the counter Stiles misses his warmth. He takes a few moments to collect himself, closing his eyes and rubbing at them with still-trembling fingers, trying to breathe as steadily as possible to prevent a relapse. When Derek returns, he holds a tall glass of water, and it is only now that Stiles can truly make out Derek’s face. His chiselled features are contorted with concern, his brows pulled together in a distressed frown and his beautiful, captivating eyes are filled with so much worry that Stiles’ heart could break.
“Thanks,” Stiles says when Derek hands him the water, his voice rough and dry from his gasping breaths. “Thanks for everything. What you did right then – talking me down – that’s not an easy thing to do. Scotty and I have been best friends for two decades and even he struggles.” He continues, not quite finding it in himself to meet Derek’s worry-filled eyes again. “Uh, so, yeah. Thanks.”
“It’s fine,” Derek says softly, “any time.” And Stiles believes him. “Do you- Uh. Do you mind if I asked what triggered it? Did I say something wrong?” If Stiles thought that Derek’s voice was soft before, it was nothing compared to the way he speaks that final question. It is so soft that Stiles can barely register what it was Derek is saying, but when he does, his head shoots up to meet Derek’s apologetic gaze.
“NO! No, no, not at all, you’re amazing!” Stiles blurts in his hurry to reassure Derek. Stiles doesn’t wait to catalogue Derek’s reaction before attempting to distract him with more words. “I just didn’t realise that it was so late already and today is a really big day for me. Like, crazy big. I’ve been freaking out about it for weeks, hence the no sleep and the walking through an unfamiliar neighbourhood before sunrise. I guess when we were talking I actually relaxed for a while and kinda forgot all about it until I realised the time and then all the panic hit me at once. It happens, man, totally not your fault.”
“Oh…” Derek is silent for a moment. Stiles knows he’s probably just digesting the masses of information that had just been thrown at him, but the silence puts him on edge right up until he can visibly see the creases of worry smoothing from Derek’s face. The man smiles at Stiles, but the worry is still evident in his eyes as he offers Stiles his hand to help him stand. “What’s so important about today? Uh, if you don’t mind me asking.”
The expression on Derek’s face is so open, genuinely intrigued but still full of concern, and Stiles kind of wants to write poems about it. He takes Derek’s hand, using it to haul himself to his feet before plopping on to a stool by the counter. He valiantly ignores the hand that Derek places on the small of his back to help steady him and the waves of warmth that it sends spreading through his body.
“Well, I probably should have led with this really but, uh…” Stiles laughs nervously, running a hand through his hair. “I’m an author. More accurately, I’m trying to become an author. In case you didn’t notice I have some serious ADHD going on which, you know, can make concentrating in lectures pretty hard. I had a pretty bad habit of daydreaming in class because most of the time I’d already read the material and I didn’t need to hear the same thing again.
“One day I just decided to write it down, like, whatever my brain would dream up to occupy me. By the time I completed my degree I had finished drafts for 3 novels in a series and had 2 plots for sequels. I moved to NYC hoping to catch a break, sent my first book draft in to a publisher and they want to meet me today at 11 o’clock. Man, I’m terrified.”
Derek stands behind the counter patiently listening to Stiles recount the steps which brought him to where he is today. He nods, his eyes following the movement of Stiles’ hands as he speaks, a grin breaking out on his face when Stiles tells of the publishers’ interest in his book. Stiles himself still isn’t entirely sure that this is not a daydream itself. Publishers are interested in his writing. He has his own place in New York (granted, it was tiny and he can only afford it for another couple months if he doesn’t get this gig, but it’s still his). He met Derek. Derek who is beautiful, kind, intelligent, and just about everything Stiles had always wanted but had never dared to hope for.
“Stiles, that’s amazing!” Derek exclaims, grinning at Stiles. “The fact that they’ve even asked to meet with you shows that they’re really interested in your work, you should be proud of yourself.” He says, his voice and expression softening towards the end. “I’ve always wanted to write a book, but I don’t think I have the imagination for it. I love reading, though, more than anything. I always feel a bit sad saying ‘books are my life’, but it’s the truth.”
“Wow. Thanks, Derek. That really means a lot.” Stiles replies with a shy smile, scratching the back of his neck nervously. “I know how you feel, though, about books being your life. I swear more often than not I speak using quotes from my favourite books, just hoping that someone will understand the reference and we can be instant best friends.”
“’Friendship is born at the moment when one man says to another ‘What! You too? I thought that no one but myself’’.” Derek speaks with conviction, although his brow is furrowed as he tried to recollect the exact wording of the quote he once read.
“C. S. Lewis?” Stiles asks unsurely, although he is certain that he has read that before. Derek looks in to Stiles’ eyes across the counter, a wide grin breaking out on his face as he nods, and Stiles can’t help but grin equally wide in answer. They stand there for a fair few moments grinning at each other before Stiles remembers the time.
“Listen, Derek, thank you for everything. It’s been amazing meeting you and getting to know you but I think I really should be going. I need to try and find my way back to my apartment to get ready for my meeting, but I’ll definitely be back soon.” Stiles says, trying to convey his gratefulness to Derek, and get across the fact that he really wants to see Derek again soon. Derek’s smile begins to fall from his face as Stiles speaks, but he catches himself before it was gone.
“Where do you live? I could easily close up the shop for a little while to give you a ride home, especially seeing as you don’t know where you’re going.” Derek says with a hopeful tone to his voice, and Stiles simply won’t let himself try to analyse what that might mean. “I wouldn’t want you getting lost and being late for your meeting.”
“Yeah, man, that would be awesome! But only if you’re sure about closing the shop, I wouldn’t want you to lose any business.”
Derek waves Stiles off before coming out from behind the counter and heading back up the stairs, which Stiles assumes lead to his apartment. When Derek came back down he is clutching a set of keys and wearing the most sinful black leather jacket. Stiles has never thought himself much in to the whole black-leather-beardy-biker look but dang does Derek rock it.
“Ready?” Derek grins, and Stiles is helpless to do anything but nod and grin in return.
***
Derek leads Stiles out of the store and towards his car, locking the door behind him. The ride to Stiles’ apartment can’t have been much more than 10 minutes or so, and the silence is filled as Derek excitedly asks Stiles questions about the plot of his novel. Stiles tells Derek how almost all of the characters in the book are based upon his friends from his home town, with the main character being based upon Scott. He tells him how he once went searching for a dead body in the woods with Scott after hearing about it on his police scanner, yes, Derek, I have one, I like to know what’s going on, okay. He tells Derek how that night he had a really weird dream about Scotty being bitten in the woods and turning into a werewolf, then for some reason his brain decided that his Criminal Psych lecture would be the perfect time to remind him of this. Stiles rambles about how he basically rewrote his and Scott’s high school experience but with supernatural creatures and crazy bad guys.
Before Stiles knows it, they are outside his building, sat in the stationary car as he rants to Derek about how the first two books are really intense but they’re nothing, Derek, nothing compared to book three. Man, if it ever gets published the readers are going to hate me. I even hate myself a little, damn.
“I’m telling you, this meeting is going to be the start of really big things for you. I just know it.” Derek sounds so sincere when he speaks that Stiles can feel the blush creeping up his neck in response.
“Thank you, so much. And, thank you for the ride.” Stiles smiles at Derek from his seat in the car. Derek has a soft, genuine smile tugging at his lips and God, does Stiles want to kiss him. But, Stiles also feels that this, whatever this is he felt with Derek, is real, and he’ll be damned if he’s going to rush it. Stiles climbs out of the car, then leans back through the open door. “How about I come back to the store tomorrow? I’ll tell you all about how my meeting went, and you can make me some more of that life-saving coffee.”
The transformation in the expression on Derek’s face in that moment is something that Stiles thinks he has only ever read about in cheesy romance novels. Derek’s smile, once soft and small, breaks out in to a full grin, and Stiles is sure that the world just got 3 shades brighter.
“Promise?” Derek says, his voice lightly teasing, but his face still showing such unadulterated joy that Stiles can’t really care.
“Promise.”
***
Stiles keeps his promise. It’s almost midday before Stiles is able to drag himself out of his bed to shower, change and head to the bookstore. Don’t judge him, he had been awake for a seriously long time. The meeting had been amazing, and Stiles can’t wait to share it with Derek. After calling his dad and Scott the day before, Stiles had all but passed out from exhaustion, but from the moment he woke up all he could think about was going to see Derek.
The bell above the door sounds a now-familiar ding when Stiles enters the bookstore. He rounds the corner in to the café with an open grin on his face, he feels like he is practically buzzing with anticipation. His smile falls slightly when he looks towards the counter to see a pretty woman with long blonde curls. Definitely not Derek.
“Well, look what we have here,” she says as she unabashedly runs her eyes all over Stiles’ body, flicking her tongue across her teeth as she does so, looking as if she were going to eat him whole, “a new customer. I’m sure I would have remembered someone like you in a dump like this.”
She drags out her words in a sweet, seductive tone which kind of makes Stiles’ skin crawl. Her wolfish smile very much reminds him of Laura’s from the previous day, the same red-lipped grin with far too many teeth to be considered entirely non-threatening. Although, none of that really compares to the sting of righteous anger he feels at her final words.
“This place is not a dump!” Stiles hisses angrily. After hearing Derek speak yesterday, telling him the beautiful story of how this place came to be, of the love he has for the books and the happiness he has found in doing something he really loves, Stiles truly feels that comfort and hope exude from the shelves themselves. How dare she call this place a dump.
“I don’t mean to offend, sweet cheeks,” she says in that same saccharine voice, although Stiles got the impression that she doesn’t feel particularly sorry, “I’m obviously just not as in to books as you are. Although, if you like, I could tell you all about some other things I’m in to.”
“Where’s Derek?” Stiles blurts. He can tell he looks like a tomato and, honestly, he’s absolutely terrified of this woman. He just wants to see Derek and he does not want to know what she’s in to. Stiles looks at her, waiting for her reply before he sees a small flash of – recognition? Realisation? – cross her face.
“Derek, huh?” she says, her eyes once again running over Stiles’ form. “I’ll get right on that for you.” She opens the door leading to the staircase, but before she ascends she turned to face Stiles once again. “What did you say your name was, sweet cheeks?”
“I didn’t. It’s Stiles.” he says sheepishly. She gives him another frightening grin before bounding up the stairs.
***
“Stiles!” Derek exclaims when he reaches the bottom of the stairs, a grin tugging at his lips. The blonde girl follows him in shortly after, a smug expression on her face as her eyes flick between the two of them with obvious interest.
“Well, Der, aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend here? He really is just as delicious as Laura told me.” That feral grin once again spreads across her lips, and Stiles once again finds himself feeling like prey.
“Erica,” Derek admonishes sternly, his eyebrows dropped in to an angry-looking glare, “why don’t you take your break now? I don’t need you accosting my customers, it’s bad for business, not to mention rude as hell.”
“Yes, Boss.” She speaks cheerfully as she grabbed her jacket from behind the counter. “See you soon, sweet cheeks.”
The use of the nickname makes Stiles shudder as she breezes past him and out of the store. Stiles looks at Derek, who’s expression has dramatically softened. He looks just as breathtakingly beautiful as he had the day before in a soft looking maroon sweater and blue jeans.
“How did I know I wasn’t going to enjoy meeting Erica?” Stiles says with a cheeky smirk. Derek laughed in reply, just as open and unabashed as he had the day before causing Stiles to smile wider. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Derek says softly, almost reverently as he grins at Stiles. “Coffee?”
“Please.”
Derek turns to the coffee maker and starts preparing Stiles’ drink. Stiles can’t help but watch the play of muscles in Derek’s arms and back as me moves, the concentration on his face, the way the artificial light in the store illuminates his kaleidoscope eyes. In those minutes of awed silence, filled only by the noise of the coffee machine, Stiles could easily believe that they are the only people on the planet. He is broken from his reverie when Derek places his coffee on the counter before him.
“So, how was your meeting? Sit, tell me all about it. I’ve been dying to know how it went as soon as I dropped you off yesterday.” The excitement in Derek’s voice is palpable and Stiles has practically forgotten why he had come today other than to see Derek. It seems that Stiles being distracted by Derek may become a regular occurrence.
“Oh, yes! Derek, it was amazing!” Stiles tells Derek how the publisher was this crazy looking guy with dark hair which stood on end, sticking in every direction. His name was Finstock, and he gushed about how much he just loved Stiles’ book. Stiles tells Derek how they had given him a cheque just to “help with his creative process”, which was enough money to cover his rent for over a year.
“They’ve given me back a copy of the transcript with the editors’ notes, so I need to go back through and make some changes, but they want it to be ready for publication soon so that they can have it ready for a Christmas release. How crazy is that, Derek? Me, an actual published author? Things are really starting to go my way,” Stiles says, his long fingers curled around his coffee mug. His eyes sparkle and a more private smile tugs at his lips as he looks into his cup.
“Congratulations, Stiles, that’s fantastic! Your friends and family must be so proud. Hell, I know I’m proud of you,” Derek replies. The joy on Derek’s face and the elation in his voice send a tingle shooting down Stiles’ spine. It isn’t arousal, or anything close, but the unadulterated feeling of being truly appreciated by someone you care about.
“You talk about them as if you aren’t already one of them,” Stiles says softly, a crooked smile on his lips.
“I am?” Derek practically whispers, his soft voice breathy and quiet.
“Of course,” Stiles replies, looking up through his lashes to meet Derek’s gaze, “I’m pretty sure that if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have even made it to that meeting yesterday. Hell, you talked me down from a panic attack, I’ve known people my whole life who can’t do that.”
Derek’s smile only grows. “'It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy; it is disposition alone- '”
“’Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others’,” Stiles finishes. “Jane Austen, one of my favourites.”
“Mine, too,” Derek grins.
***
Stiles ends up going to the bookstore a lot in the next few weeks. The way he sees it, sitting alone in his apartment trying to edit this manuscript is not going to be productive. He’ll work in a haze of sub-par instant coffee, Reese’s peanut butter cups and minimal human interaction until either the manuscript is finished, or he passes out from exhaustion. Unhealthy. Going to the bookshop, he can get good coffee, more substantial food, and human interaction. Oh, and the staff won’t let him pass out on their floor. And, maybe, if he visits every day, and the visits have less to do with his health and more to do with the absolutely stunning man who owns the place, well, he can deny that’s why he’s there because he has real reasons, too, goddamn it.
Every single morning, Stiles turns up at the shop, tired and in need of caffeine, to see a smiling Derek behind the counter already making his coffee just the way he likes it. Some part of him thinks that life can’t really get much better than it is at the moment.
“So, when can I read it?” Derek asks as he leans over the counter to place Stiles’ coffee next to his open laptop.
“When it’s finished,” Stiles replies, a teasing smirk on his lips and his eyes trained stubbornly on his screen.
“You always say that,” Derek huffs, turning his back to make Stiles’ breakfast pancakes.
“That’s because you always ask. Like, every day,” Stiles grinned, looking up to watch Derek work. Yes, he thinks, life can’t get much better than this.
***
“Dereeeeekkkkk,” Stiles whines.
“Yes, Stiles?” Derek replies, looking up from his book to glance at Stiles over the rims of his glasses. The image totally doesn’t make Stiles want to kiss him stupid.
“I’m huuungrrrrry, make me some foooood, pleeeeease,” Stiles continues to whine, leaning his head on the counter next to his laptop and looking up at Derek sideways.
“I swear there is a black hole in your stomach,” Laura titters from somewhere behind him where she is organising a shelf of new arrivals.
“I made you breakfast not two hours ago. How the hell are you hungry? It’s not even lunchtime,” Derek laughs to himself, putting his bookmark in place so he can start making Stiles food.
“Please, Derek. ‘Time is an illusion. Lunchtime, doubly so’,” Stiles replies, watching Derek’s face with keen eyes for any sign of recognition. What he receives is even more than he had hoped for.
Derek looks up at him slightly startled, before that beautiful huff of air passes through his lips as he starts to laugh. After learning it was Derek’s father’s favourite book, Stiles got himself a copy of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy so that they could talk about it together. It was one of those terrifying moments of clarity, when Stiles realised just how gone he is on this gorgeous man who likes books better than people, (wrongly) thinks that the Dodgers are better than the Mets, and has a laugh like rain.
“Oh, God,” Laura bemoans, “Der, you can stop laughing now, just imagine what it’s doing to his ego.”
“Hey!” Stiles protests, smiling wickedly to himself before continuing, “’If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.’”
Derek’s laughter only increases, his chuckles getting louder until he’s laughing loudly, head tilted back. Stiles mentally pats himself on the back for making Derek laugh like this once again. He feels just as awe struck as the first time, his insides lighting up at the sight of Derek looking so happy.
“Oh, jeez, have you broken him?” Laura questions, a smile on her lips as she watches Derek laugh, “Der, are you okay?”
“’Don’t Panic’, Laura,” Stiles says, eyes still on Derek despite addressing Laura, “He looks pretty happy to me.”
Derek’s laughter has evolved one again. He is clutching his stomach, one hand supporting himself on the counter, eyes squeezed shut as he tries to breathe between chuckles.
“Yeah, he does,” Laura replies, eyeing Stiles, although he does not see it.
***
“Don’t forget the whole milk!” Laura calls to Derek as he pulls on his leather jacket.
“I won’t,” he replies, “be back in 20!”
“’So long, and thanks for all the fish!’,” Stiles shouts, and is rewarded with the sound of Derek’s laughter before the bell signals his exit from the shop.
“So, mind telling me what the hell that was all about?” Laura said, her tone inquisitive but not angry.
“Oh, uh,” Stiles began, “They were quotes from the book The Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy-”
“I know what they were,” Laura interrupts, “how did you know?”
“Uh, I know that it was your dad’s favourite, and that he used to make jokes from it all the time, so I got a copy and-”
“You read it so that you could make Derek laugh,” Laura finishes for him, a sad smile curving her always-red lips, “how did you know about Dad?”
“Derek told me, once,” Stiles replies, voice low, feeling the grief Laura is exuding.
“What?” Laura says, her voice getting louder and he lifts her head to look at Stiles, eyes wide when she continues, “Wait, Derek told you? He talked to you about our parents? When?”
“Uh, he told me the hitchhikers thing a few weeks ago, not long after we met. But, yeah, he talks about them every so often. Why? Should he- uh, is that not something he should have told me about?” Stiles asks tentatively, worried that Laura is upset, that maybe he’s done something wrong, shouldn’t have tried to bring up the lost memories of their parents.
“No! No, no, Stiles, you’ve got it all wrong,” Laura rambles excitedly, a joyful smile gracing her lips, looking much more puppy than hungry wolf, “this is brilliant! Derek, he doesn’t… He doesn’t talk about our parents, has never been able to, ever since…”
The accident, Stiles’ brain supplies.
“It hit him really hard when we lost Mom and Dad,” Laura sighs, before continuing, “He was getting help for a really long time, but in the end, he just sort of… withdrew in to his books. In stories, good always triumphs over evil, love conquers all, and there is always a happy ending.”
“I wish life were like that,” Stiles mutters to himself, thinking somewhat of his own mother, as well as the tragedies that have befallen Derek and his family.
“So does Derek,” Laura replies. At that, Stiles looks up at her, seeing the conflict of her face before it settles in to something like determination.
“You know, Derek doesn’t talk to people, he’s a very lonely person. He has me, because I’m his sister, he has Erica, because she works here and now, he has you. Derek doesn’t date, either. Never has,” she says, looking up briefly to see Stiles’ fallen face before quickly beginning again, “What I mean to say is, when it comes to matters of the heart, Derek has very high expectations.”
“What does that mean?” Stiles asks, brow furrowed, attention solely on Laura and not on the words lining the screen in front of him.
“All Derek has ever wanted is to be as happy as our parents were,” Laura speaks softly now, Stiles straining to hear her words, “when we opened this place, he was so much better, brighter, I thought that we had finally done it. But, Derek has still been waiting for what our parents had, for the one thing every good story has. True love. I don’t think he’ll ever really be happy until he thinks he’s found it.”
Stiles’ breath hitches at that. Derek believes in true love. Every dream Stiles has ever had for his future contained an unknown someone who he would spend the rest of his days with, happy, together. Now, all Stiles can think of is Derek.
“’You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life’,” Stiles quotes.
“What?” Laura says, tilting her head in confusion.
“It’s Camus,” Stiles replies.
“Oh, God, you are perfect for him,” Laura moans, before her voice softens once again, “I’ve never seen him as happy as he is when you are around. So, I have one final question for you, Stiles. What do you think of true love?”
Silence.
“I think it might look like Derek.”
***
With the new knowledge that he’s kind of in love with Derek, Stiles spends the next couple of weeks sat in the store editing his manuscript, and trying to psych himself up enough to ask Derek out, or make a move. Something. Anything.
Before he knows it, his manuscript is complete. Done, finished, sent off to be printed and sold in bookshops across the world. Huh. Funny, how quickly you can finish something when you use it as a means to procrastinate doing something else. The first thing Stiles does, once he has sent the manuscript to Finstock, is print off a copy and head straight to the store for breakfast.
As soon as he steps inside, he knows that something is wrong. The air feels wrong, thick and cloying. When he opens the door, the sound of the bell does not sound as joyful as it usually does, but instead it cuts through the eerie silence like a knife, jarring and harsh.
When he gets to the counter, he is met by a sullen-faced Laura, devoid of her ever-present crimson snarl, looking tired and haggard, dark rings circling her eyes. Stiles opens his mouth to ask one of the many questions on the tip of his tongue, like what happened or are you okay or where is Derek. But, before he has the chance to say anything, Laura has already rounded the counter and wrapped her thin arms around his waist, resting her head on his chest.
Stiles stills for a moment, before circling her small frame and rubbing his hand up and down the length of her back soothingly.
“It’s the anniversary today,” she says in a small voice, “of the accident.”
Oh.
Once again, before Stiles has a chance to form any words, Laura is pulling away from him and heading towards to door beside the counter. She opens it to reveal the staircase behind, before turning back to face Stiles.
“Second door on the right,” she says, gesturing to the staircase, “Go to him. Please.”
All Stiles can do is spare her a sympathetic smile and a brief nod before he is all but sprinting up the steps towards Derek.
***
The door to the room is closed when Stiles reaches it, the warm wooden panels blocking him from where he truly wants- no, needs to be. He raises his fist to knock, pausing for a moment to collect himself before rapping his knuckles against the wood.
Silence is all that meets him.
The worry that has been building in the pit of Stiles’ stomach since he noticed Derek’s absence begins building further. Is he okay? Please say he’s okay. He knocks again, much more frantically than before.
“Go away, Laura,” comes a quiet voice from inside the room. Derek sounds so small and tired; Stiles just wants to hold him and take it all away.
“Der?” Stiles calls, surprised at how choked up and horse his voice sounds to his own ears. Although, considering how worried and tense he feels right now, he probably shouldn’t be so surprised.
A shuffling sound can be heard from inside the room before the door creaks open. “Stiles?”
The Derek stood before him is unlike any Derek that Stiles has ever seen. He’s barefooted, wearing loose basketball shorts and a white vest underneath a fluffy grey bathrobe. His hair is sticking up at odd angles and Stiles really wants to run his fingers through it. He looks kind of adorable. But, as always, it’s not Derek’s appearance which causes a tightness in Stiles’ chest. It’s his eyes. Bloodshot, red and swollen. The beautiful, impossible colour of Derek’s eyes looks almost dull and lifeless, and Stiles just can’t let that happen, nope, no way.
“Stiles, I’m sorry, you can’t be here, you can’t see me like this. You weren’t supposed to- I didn’t want to look like-” Derek rambles, looking tired, and almost scared, as if he were worried that Stiles would ever want to leave him. He begins back-stepping as he talks, trying to hide himself behind the door and out of Stiles’ view.
Stiles watches Derek stumble over his words, holding his breath, holding himself back until Derek’s words run out and he slumps behind the door, looking so small and weak, almost out of view. It doesn’t take much for Stiles to pitch forwards into the room, push the door open and engulf Derek in his arms, squeezing the other man tightly around the shoulders.
Derek’s breathing is shaky, and Stiles knows the beginning of a panic attack when he hears one. He holds still with his arms around Derek, and decides to do what he does best. He talks.
“Hey,” Stiles begins, “I’m not going anywhere. I know what today is, Derek, I’m up here because I want to be. I don’t care what you look like, I don’t care if you don’t want to talk to me, what I do care about is you.”
Derek stills for a moment in the embrace, before wrapping his strong arms around Stiles’ waist and turning his head to press his face in to the crook of Stiles’ neck. He feels Derek sobbing before he hears it, small, sad huffs of air as Derek cries in to the skin of Stiles’ throat. He can feel the tears soaking the neck of his shirt, but he can’t find it in himself to care even a little.
“Shhh,” Stiles coos softly, “It’s okay, I’m here, I’ve got you. You don’t ever have to hide yourself from me, Der, not ever. Just let it out, big guy. That’s it, you’re doing so good. You’re okay, everything’s okay.”
Stiles keeps muttering encouragements softly in to Derek’s hair until the sobbing subsides. Stiles can feel the weight of Derek in his arms getting heavier as exhaustion starts to take hold of the bigger man.
“Hey, Der, do you wanna lie down, maybe?” Stiles says softly, pulling back from the embrace slightly so that he can see Derek properly.
Derek avoids Stiles’ eyes, opting to look down at where their torsos are still touching before nodding slowly and turning to flop down on the bed, curling himself up in to the foetal position but not yet pulling up the blankets.
“Uh.. Did you wanna- Did you want me to leave?” Stiles stumbles, stood at the side of the bed throwing his hands around. He doesn’t want to leave Derek, but he doesn’t want to make Derek uncomfortable, either.
Rather than responding, Derek looks up at Stiles very briefly, still managing to pull off his are you stupid look through the swollen, red eyes. He reaches for Stiles’ hand before pulling him down on to the mattress behind him. Stiles flails gracelessly as he lands on the mattress before strong hands are pulling him up by his arm and folding him around Derek’s back.
Stiles is spooning Derek. He takes a moment to let that sink in, the warmth of Derek pushed against him, before the silence becomes too much for him and he has to break it.
“What do you want me to do? I’ll do whatever you think will make you feel better,” Stiles whispers, and he means every word of it.
“Talk,” Derek replies, his is voice rough and quiet, but Stiles doesn’t think he’s ever been happier to hear one word.
***
Stiles talks. No change there. For the next few hours, he talks about the news, and the book that he just finished which you should really read, Der, it’s got dragons and everything. He eventually gets around to telling Derek that he finished his manuscript, and obliges to read the first few chapters aloud but no, Der, you’re not keeping this copy, you get the first edition instead. Promise.
Derek remains silent throughout, although he listens. Stiles is sure of this, because whenever he looks to Derek for a response, he nods, and he pulls on Stiles arm when he wants him to carry on reading, and, well, that’s more than enough for Stiles to understand he should keep talking.
***
After a few hours, despite Derek’s head shaking that no, he’s not hungry, Stiles goes down and gets a couple of sandwiches from Laura, who looked surprised in a pleased sort of way.
Stiles is propped up with his back against the headboard whilst he eats, and is quite happy when Derek makes it half way through his sandwich before he stops. Derek slides down the mattress and curls back up in to his little ball, before resting his head on Stiles’ thigh. Stiles resists the urge to card his fingers through Derek’s hair, but only barely.
“I miss them,” Derek says after a little while, so quietly that Stiles almost misses it.
“I know,” he replies, giving in to temptation and pushing his fingers through the wayward locks of Derek’s hair.
“Why did you stay? I’m such a cold person, and you’re so, so warm.” Derek mumbles, pushing his cheek further in to Stiles’ thigh.
“You know, it was once written that ‘Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad’. I don’t think you’re cold, Derek. I think you’ve been through a lot, and you’re sad, and I’d really like to change that.”
“I’m not just sad, Stiles. I’m broken.” Derek says, his voice cracking slightly on the last word.
“We’re all a little broken, Der. But that's okay. It doesn’t make me care about you any less.”
They lay in silence for a few minutes, Stiles softly carding his fingers through Derek’s hair until Derek speaks up.
“Hey, Stiles?”
“Yeah?”
“Was that Emerson?”
“Longfellow.”
“Damn.”
***
Stiles eventually gets kicked out of the apartment by Laura after her shift has ended, saying that she needs some family time with her little brother which, okay, fair enough. Derek doesn’t seem very happy to see Stiles go, and holds him for a full five minutes, pouting in the doorway of the apartment until Stiles promises to come back tomorrow.
Erica seems surprised when she sees Stiles leaving the apartment, but it says a lot that she neglects to comment on the situation any more than to bid Stiles farewell on his way out of the store.
***
When Stiles returns the next day, everything feels relatively normal again. He walks in to the main café and Derek is behind the counter, looking better, if not a little tired. He smiles warmly at Stiles before turning his back and starting to make Stiles’ coffee, just the way he likes it, just like normal. It feels strange, almost surreal, that Stiles is able to walk in here today and resume the same easy banter that he and Derek have always had. For all intents and purposes, the day is entirely normal (bar the extra shot of syrup in Stiles’ coffee) right up until the point the Stiles leaves.
Derek comes jogging out of the store behind Stiles, who stops on the pavement waiting for Derek to catch up. It occurs to Stiles that this is the spot where they first met.
“Hey, Stiles, um, I just wanted to say thank you for yesterday. You really helped me a lot and you’re- Um, it was really- Uh, yeah. Thanks,” Derek stutters out, rubbing the back of his neck shyly and looking all together quite nervous.
Stiles takes in his disheveled expression for a moment, before saying “Always,” and kissing Derek lightly on the cheek.
Stiles watches for a moment as a blush spreads beautifully across Derek’s cheekbones to his ears, before turning on his heel and making to walk away.
“Was that a Harry Potter reference?” he hears from behind him.
“Obviously,” Stiles responds, laughing to himself as he continues to walk home.
***
The days pass quickly. Stiles still goes to the store every day, even though he no longer has any work to do, and the days are still as perfect as ever. With every visit that passes, Stiles falls more in love with Derek, until it finally arrives, what he’s been waiting for. Weeks before it will hit the shelves, the first edition of Stiles’ novel arrives in the post.
Stiles’ first reaction is to sprint to the store. He rips open the door, sending the bell in to a frenzy of clanging, surely alerting anyone in the store to his presence. He bursts in to the main café to see Laura behind the counter cleaning mugs, and Derek facing him, clutching a rag between his fingers from where he’d been wiping down the tables.
“Stiles! Is everything okay?” Derek asks, the worry evident on his face, making his brow furrow.
“Yes, yeah, everything is fine! Uh, the first edition of my book arrived, and I promised I’d give it to you so, uh, I want you to look at it, but first I’ve got a few things that I really want to say to you,” Stiles pauses, taking a deep breath and trying not to panic, before looking up to meet Derek’s eyes before speaking once more.
“Before we met, I’d never read The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. When you talked about how much you love it, I bought a copy from Erica, and read it so that I could talk to you about it. Neither my best friend, nor my own father are able to talk me down from a panic attack, which is something that you managed to master on the first day we met. I’ve never been able to sleep anywhere without my pillow before, until I fell asleep in your bed, with you in my arms. Um, you once told me that you’re broken, and, well, ‘It is only with true love and compassion that we can begin to mend what is broken in the world. It is these two blessed things that can begin to heal all broken hearts.’ God knows, I’m never going to stop trying.”
Stiles breaks his gaze from Derek’s now-watery eyes to turn to the first page of his book, and holds it out to Derek, who takes it from Stiles with shaking hands. Derek’s eyes skim the text quickly, before flicking up to Stiles, and then back down to the book. What happens next is a flurry of movement as the first tear rolls down Derek’s cheek, he drops the book to the ground, stepping over the discarded novel to cradle Stiles’ face between his large hands and pull him in to the best kiss of his life.
Derek’s lips are soft and warm, and better than Stiles could have ever imagined. Derek’s arms curl around his neck as his own snake around Derek’s waist, holding them together until he has to pull back for breath, but not far, still close enough to rest his forehead against Derek’s.
“God, I love you,” Derek murmurs against Stiles’ lips before capturing them again.
“OH MY GOD, DID HE JUST SAY THAT,” Laura squeals excitedly from behind the counter, “what the hell did it say?!”
“In case it wasn’t clear, the feeling is very much mutual, big guy,” Stiles speaks in to Derek’s cheek, surrounded by their own little bubble of StilesandDerek, oblivious to Laura scurrying around behind them.
Picking the book up from the floor, Laura turns to the first page and reads;
For my mom, may she rest in peace.
For my dad, for never giving up on me.
For Derek, for teaching me that it’s okay to be
a little broken, that it’s okay to be different.
Mostly, for showing me that true love
does exist outside of story books.
#sterek fanfiction#sterek#fanfic#sterek fics#books#book references#literary references#literature#truelove#love#my first fanfic#tyler hoechlin#dylan o'brien#au#teen wolf#derek hale#stiles stilinski#derek x stiles#stiles x derek
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Lucid Dreams August Entry: Call Of The Void
Mix: https://soundcloud.com/kimsungjin94/lucid-dreams-august-entry-call-of-the-void
The road is dark and windy,
Just another day of mundane existence,
Or so I think until I hear it.
The whispers of madness expanding from the darkest recesses of my mind
Slowly, quietly beginning to resonate within
Sweet promises of release
A peace of mind that I desperately desire
Peace that I haven’t yet found
Even though I’ve been seeking it through family, friends, love, money, work, accomplishment, anything
And so the yearning begins, though the thought has never once before occurred to you
But all I want is release, peace of mind
Because I am so. fucking. tired.
And permanent sleep sounds... stable
I can feel the worn leather in my grip as it tightens, my eyes closing
I can still hear the void call: “drift left. Just let go..”
I can almost sense my newfound freedom
Who would even notice my absence?
Such thoughts aren’t important, for the void has ended this constant anxiety, the pain, and anger, terror, and lonliness and bitterness inside
The lure of the inevitable pushing me ever closer to a beautifully chaotic end
But before I start to drift, realization strikes
What if this isn’t the end?
My head snaps back, a maelstrom of thoughts and emotions contained within as it all comes flooding back:
What if I don’t find that peace?
Surely someone cares?
What would I be missing?
The terror starts to rise in my throat once again, anxiety’s cold grasp settling over my fragile mind once more
The void calls again, almost pleading, but the desire is gone, calm seas replaced by waves of rage riddles with questions I will never be able to answer
Why me?
Why can’t I just be normal?
If not Can’t I just pretend?
How come this isn’t fair?
Well, no one said life was fair, but it doesn’t feel right that it’s this unfair either
And with these blank spaces in my mind I stay the course, unsure of why
Maybe things do get better, do I believe that?
Am I just a coward?
Was it logic, or am I just too scared of the unknown?
It’s too late to swerve, my body refuses to listen to any command
I drive on, already haunted by the ghosts that will return nightly with my insomnia
Because I know.. I know.. I can try to ignore it, push it away, erase it from my memory,
But I can still hear those empty promises
If I just listen carefully, the void calls
Do you hear it too?
So when I initially announced that I was doing something like Lucid Dreams, I touched on how fixated I am with dreams, and how they can also come across as nightmares. Dark, twisted complex entities made up of fear, dark desires, and the things we may never admit to the light of day that exist inside of us. Didn’t take me long to dig deep, did it?
Some of you may have noticed, or may have read my post, that my name is different. What happened to StarFoxx? Well, he’s dead, simply put. The name was something I picked when I had first gotten my deck and was mixing with bass and future house with no intentions of it ever being more than a hobby. I thought it was cool with the old school Nintendo throwback, but never particularly cared for the name too deeply, It was just never really something I cared about too deeply until one day I was kind of thinking about the direction my music has been taking within the last 20 months alone and realized that the name no longer fit. It was never really a part of my identity, and I believe that music should be that. It wasn’t a hard decision to make, the name was shallow and gimmicky and should be left for future mainstage wannabes to fight over. With that in mind, I took the time to sit down and really think about my identity, both in music, and who I am now. And after much thought, I realized that both intertwine. Music has shaped and formed so much of my identity and I want to be able to use my identity to shape and form my music. I’ve become very simplistic in both my taste and my style lately, so something simple fit. I needed to pick something that would resonate to me the way my favorite music did. And I found one that did resonate, because it’s mine: Sung Jin. Sung Jin is my Korean name, a part of my identity and who I am since I was born, not some sort of alias or madeup DJ act. And I hope that the realest music will come from the real me. And so the first ever Sung Jin release is this mix: the first ever real themed mix I have ever planned and recorded.
The Call Of the Void is a reference to the moments where one has the sudden urge to jump off of a cliff, or crash their car, etc., etc.. So I wasn’t kidding when I mentioned nightmares, because sometimes things are dark and twisted. So if you’re wondering why this mix is named after that, well this mix is thematically based around an experience I had a little before my 20th birthday, and the first time that the Call Of the Void ever happened to me. My mental health is definitely a topic that I have closed off to all but a few friends and maybe a family member or two because.. well, frankly because it fucking sucks most of the time. I do frequently deal with depression and anxiety, and because of this I also deal with insomnia and severe weight loss due to anxiety-induced stress. This obviously comes and goes in waves to varying degrees, but that moment two years ago was hands down the worst, and something I haven’t really stopped to process or think about much until a little before I stopped to make this mix I opened up to a friend about it. But that and sitting down to create this mix, having to thematically piece together a mix that i wanted to try and capture thoughts, feelings, emotions of that drive within the sounds and titles, really helped me to work through it. I’ve come across the issue like two or three more times since then, but the first time was by far the worst and most terrifying.
Now talking about this mix from a technical standpoint: I’m in uncharted waters here. This is the first mix that I have made completely sans bass/future/any sort of fake, gimmicky, flavor-of-the-month genre of house music that is only referred to as house because it’s 120 BPM, but I digress. This mix is mainly deep/tech/prog house, although I just call them all house music, because it’s what proper house music should be, and this is the style that will fall under the Sung Jin alias.And as I touched on earlier, this is the first mix that I have ever pre-planned and created entirely around one theme. Feel the mood, listen to the lyrics, look at the tracklist, this was all done to try and convey the swirling myriad of emotions and thoughts that were tearing through my mind that night. As a whole, I think that this is my best mix yet, and I’m very excited, but also absolutely terrified, to share it with you guys. It’s strange, using music to characterize an incident to capture feelings highlighting a personal flaw. But I hope I accomplished my goal and that you guys like it.
- 성진
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Four Crucial Queer Survival Tips for 2019
Elizabeth Duck-Chong
As we approach this new annum and everything that lies in store, instead of thinking about the ephemera one could manifest into being, I want to ask how we create the space to make our queer love and joy stand out and shine.
As the calendar turns over into the new year, it’s common to see people talking about their plans, resolutions, and the high hopes they have for the next twelve months. However, it's not news to say that it's a scary time to be out in the world as a queer person, and so each coming year can feel as exhausting or terrifying to think about as it might feel exuberant or hopeful.
We live in a period where we are simultaneously the most visible we have ever been, but also the most legislated against, and the most condemned. No wonder it can feel really tough, like being out and proud is something that other people are able to do, but maybe not you.
I'm not going to lie, there's a lot of things to be scared about, but I also believe there's so much to celebrate, and that we are so deeply worth fighting for. To lose some of the battles along the way doesn't mean we have to lose hope, and there's plenty of hope to go around. This century, this last year even, has shown more trans people are able to be out, proud and successful than ever before. Even as we speak, trans people are running for state office, writing brilliant tv, modeling in world-wide campaigns, writing award winning literature and more by the day! From athletes to academics to artists, and everything in between, we are living the best lives we ever have been able to, and supporting each other to do so.
Still, it can feel like a big tough world out there. As we approach this new annum and everything that lies in store, instead of thinking about the ephemera one could manifest into being, I want to ask how we create the space to make our queer love and joy stand out and shine.
Find your passion
Nothing breeds success like doing what we love. Whether you want to stream on Twitch or paint or get really good at dodgeball, practice makes perfect. Many years ago, a friend of mine said they liked a blog post I’d sent them and that I should write more, and now I'm here, writing this to you!
We live in a world that can make doing what we love, or what we want to do, really difficult, with many people just trying to get through our weeks and months with some love, some support and hopefully even some savings! Finding those shining moments in between all of our day to day, though, is where we can find who we are and who we want to be (and who knows, maybe find a career path or partner or realize a dream)! This may look like dragging a friend to a convention to connect with others, taking some free online classes and seeing what grabs you, joining a Facebook group or forum for your fandom or favorite author, or something else entirely! Even now, if a friend wants to take me to something I’ve never tried before, I like to give it a go because I might just find my new passion! There are so many things to do, and one of them might just be the coolest thing you’ve ever found.
Plan to allow yourself some real time and energy for your hobby. Organize that tabletop game with friends, that cross-continental musical jam session, or that poetry zine you've always wanted to start. It all flows onto the rest of our lives. Heck, do all of it at once, but just discover your loves, listen to them and give them time, patience and love.
Find your people
When the chips are down, I turn to community.
This big, messy word tries to sum up the complexity of all of us altogether, how we meet and fight and grow, but it only conveys the very surface of it — community is so big, so momentous, that the big picture is one of potential, and of hope. When I was barely out, I found my people in protest marches — getting changed into the skirts usually stuffed down the back of my dresser in public bathrooms before marching through the streets, shouting and singing with people who saw me wholly. Nowadays I commune in other ways: at dinner parties and bars, gigs and readings, and in so many places that younger me didn’t know was possible (and still, sometimes, at protest marches)!
Community may take many forms for you, from a forum of friends you've never met, swapping links and stories deep into the night, or a Gay Straight Alliance at your school or college, or a group of friends who don't really have words for your experiences yet, but share a love of each other and of the chance for discovery. Sometimes there are friends around us that may or may not one day come out to us, but who accept us all the same. Sometimes we find our people in totally new and different ways altogether. Whether it’s on Tumblr, Twitter, or forums like Scarleteen’s very own, there’s so much room online too for community-making, and in many cases those communities are already there and just waiting for someone just like you.
As an adult, I turn to my community in times of stress and struggle, group messaging my elders and friends, my lovers and my loved ones for advice, for help in a crisis, and to offer the same in kind. You may not know who your people are yet, or may want to figure out who you are before you find out who they may be, but I promise they are out there. If there's one thing I can guarantee about queers, it is that we are everywhere, sewn into the fabric of family and geographical place, waiting to be found.
Celebrate the difference
Of all the vast number of gender and sexual minorities that come under today's umbrella terms, or prefer to step out from under them, we are a broad group. That we keep talking about our ever-expanding acronym is a testament to the multitude of identities across which we celebrate both similarities and differences. From Pose to Pynk, Love Simon to Drag Race, Frank Ocean to Anoni, and Queerstories to Carmilla, we are creating work that showcases our lives with all the detail and difference we really exist within. In the span of my lifetime, the tools available to creators have shifted so radically, making the queer art that has always existed more widely available and knowable. I watch the people I love being able to create and publish their own blogs, photos, webcomics, TV, albums and EPs, illustrations and even full-length films, and having that work reflect how many wavelengths of color our rainbow contains!
When the bullies and bigots are at the door, one of the most beautiful weapons we have is to manifest and exist as our most real and wonderful selves — of all genders, backgrounds, wants, needs and desires. Our difference is our power, that we group together and say we are the same but also are so many things, and I truly believe that's what will change the world.
Create the joy
There's so much trying to keep us down right now, and sometimes it can be overwhelming. Taking the time to mourn, to sit with our struggle and understand the pain is so important, but so is taking the time to love, to celebrate and to live joyfully.
This may be starting with one thing each day, one little smile. As a teenager, I tried to find one beautiful thing every day, and wrote it down in a notebook. One day it would be a sunset, the next a carpet of beautiful grass, the next a friend's laughter. Through some real dark times I held onto sometimes just one thing at a time, but slowly it became easier, seeing the beauty and the light in everything, becoming a reflex. It’s a cliché, but one that let me hold onto something and imagine a better world I could be a part of.
Maybe for you it's playing a piece you love with one less mistake than last time, or rereading the latest chapter of your new favourite novel, or nailing that practice exam, or just getting a hug from a friend; joy comes in so many packages, and with time and practice we come to know the ones we can’t wait to unwrap.
It’s easy to get lost in how big the world can feel, and to be such a small part of it, but that is actually a blessing, allowing us to move through versions of ourselves until we find the ones that fit perfectly, and then come together with others until we form something far more visible, beautiful and powerful.
Have hope, because there is so, so much to hope for, and I believe that we will make that hope a reality we can live in together in 2019, and beyond.
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RF Shannon Interview
RF Shannon
Photo by Jess Williamson
On ‘Trickster Blues’, their new full length album, RF Shannon take a drastic shift from the long form, pensive desert meditations of their previous record. RF Shannon formed the new music born out of natural and self-imposed boundaries; the final product is an album that lives in the sonic space between desert blues and old school R&B. At times heavy like a jackhammer while maintaining the velvety vocal deliveries of Shane Renfro, the mind behind the band. ‘Trickster Blues’ is an album that embraces the natural indecision surrounding the songwriting process and goes with its gut decision every step of the way. The album is demanding in its immediacy while providing a raw and profound insight to the raw sonic and lyrical landscape Renfro & Co have crafted… We talk to Shane Renfro about the themes he was drawn to, plant medicine and meditation…
TSH: How do you feel your musical outlooks have progressed since the last full-length?
Shane: I feel that I’m learning to distil a lot of the vibrations I want to emit into a more accessible form, which for this album meant a little less musicality and more of a bare-bones approach. It’s like the difference between a poem and a short story; can you whittle it down and convey the weight of a vibration or meaning with less descriptors and narrative? It’s been nice to make a song that even my dad would smoke a joint to and say “hell yeahhhhh”. I wouldn’t call that progress as much as trying something different.
TSH: Were you looking to create something that elicits an array of different emotions this time around?
Shane: Basically, my buddy Jesse Woods met me in Marfa and we hung out for a couple months and demoed the material. We had the time and space to play around with a sound we wanted to get, which just came from living a life we wanted to live. I think the end result feels like a mysterious little ball of light that you can easily hold in your hand, you can let it float around, but you can grasp it if you want to and put it in your cocktail. Not too emotional, just kind of a passing feeling, a liminal state, a glance at the astral plane while you’re doing your taxes.
TSH: What sort of ideas and themes were you mostly delving into with ‘Trickster Blues’?
Shane: Learning to recognise self-sabotage, learning to empathise with people that I think are destroying the planet, embracing the shockwaves of a world that seems to simultaneously be growing more beautiful and more terrifying every moment. The album name ‘Trickster Blues’ came from an intense experience I had while in a ceremony working with San Pedro tea. I feel that during that night I caught a glimpse of the Trickster archetype and it really turned me on to a perspective shift that allowed me to have room in my heart for all these frustrating, conflicting things going on in my life and the world at large. So that’s the main theme, those are the sort of ideas I was working with.
TSH: As a whole what kind of message(s) do you feel underlines the album’s significance?
Shane: On a musical level, I hope it just grooves for people. I have no idea what people like anymore. I think it’s all over the place. Our record is mostly minor-based guitar blues music with a western edge and a touch of psychedelia; it’s just new folk music. When I go back to visit Austin, a lot of my old friends just go to raves now and listen to EDM. I think that’s just fine. I hope people can listen to this album and remember they exist in a PLACE - independent of social media, memes, mob mentality, politics, etc. It’s oneiric, it’s the stuff of dreams, the in-between meaning kind of thoughts and feelings that flow through us when we’re not putting on fronts and chasing ambitions, it’s the simplicity and profundity of simply being human and not getting in the way of that. Because when you get in the way of what you fundamentally are, you create delusion and suffering. You end up caring more about how many followers Taylor Swift has on Instagram than what kind of trees are growing in your back yard. Is that significant? I think so.
TSH: How important is the aspect of sequencing for you?
Shane: My brother and I sit in his truck drinking Coors and listen on repeat deciding what works best, what gives us the most joy. This usually lasts for hours. I feel like sequencing allows songs to be multi-contextual and can lend a whole new power to them. Although Leonard Cohen refers to “the minor fall and major lift” in the context of a song, I think it works with album sequencing too. It’s important; it’s also really fun, although I will say the album is mostly minor falls.
TSH: What sort of feelings were experiencing when you completed this album?
Shane: I felt stoked. We recorded it live; most of the songs were done in one take. It was fast and easy, which felt strange considering that we spent a year recording our previous record. We just rolled with it. We basically all lived together in Lockhart for a few months prior to recording, so the album is like a soundtrack to that. Listening back, of course, I would dive into some of the compositions and expand on them, make them more interesting, smooth out some of the tones, but it’s too late and I’m glad for that.
TSH: Talk us through the ideas behind the track ‘Cold Spell’ and how it entails a complicated scenario…
Shane: The song is about a love triangle, and it is written so that any person involved in the situation could say the lyrics and it would make sense for them. It is about trying to understand the perspectives of all sides at once. That’s something to chew on. It means you can’t really justify or bullshit yourself, you just gotta deal with it all.
TSH: What sort of motivations do you draw on to pen a track like ‘Gates of Paradise’?
Shane: I wrote it in Marfa because I was feeling like life was pretty perfect, yet I still couldn’t shake a lingering sadness. It’s about being in paradise and not finding what you thought you would. It’s about that Illusion - the trance of expectations sabotaging us. It’s another way of dealing with the grass is always greener on the other side paradox and trying to work through that with a useful trance, a penetrative gaze into what’s really going on.
TSH: Does playing live help you to figure out the shape of your songs?
Shane: I would say that up until very recently, it’s the only way I have shaped the songs. I have an idea that I lay out on my phone’s voice memo, then I send it to Jeff (Brother/Drummer) who either digs it or doesn’t, then it goes into rehearsal. Also, I feel that we’ve always been known in Austin as more of a live band, but in the past we recorded these lush arrangements that we couldn’t recreate live. With ‘Trickster Blues’ we just went for it and tracked it (mostly) live to honour that experience. I think lately though, the songs I have been building are more independent of a live setting.
TSH: Outside of music, what strong attachments do you have to non-musical walks of life?
Shane: I like to be outdoors. I’m really fascinated by plant medicine. I need to be outside talking to the water, the hills and the birds. I grieve for a lost sense of wildness in myself and the world. I can’t help it, I just feel it. It makes me angry. I bottle it up and get depressed about it. I’m attached to experiencing wisdom, and exploring knowledge of how to keep a good relationship with earth, spirit and death and all these things we have clearly failed at relating to in a healthy way. That’s what I’m most attached to.
TSH: Do you often meditate still to find some clarity?
Shane: I do and I don’t. I feel that my life itself is pretty clear. My day job is fabricating metal. So when I’m building, it’s like a meditation. Thoughts come and go, I acknowledge them but I’m just stoked to be alive and creating something, and then I get off work and I tend to emails and hang out with my girl and we cook nice simmering meals and burn incense and write songs. I feel my life has become fairly clear. But, you know, when I feel that way, something always comes out of the swamp, something from a long time ago that demands my attention. But then, meditation is all about letting that ride. There are days where I know I need to sit and breathe it out. So, I do and I don’t.
TSH: What is the most gratifying factor in being immersed in the art form of music?
Shane: To be honest it’s the formative stages. It’s being a little tipsy and stoned and digging into a vibe, without thinking, that just soothes the soul. From there, I share it with my brother. It keeps us in constant contact. He has his own plumbing business in Austin. I’m in LA. Can you imagine? If we didn’t have this common link we’d probably grow apart. My favourite thing about making music is making it with my brother and close friends. It keeps us all dreaming together. Apart from that, playing a live show to an attentive and stoked crowd is an energy that can’t be replaced.
TSH: What are your musical intentions as you look ahead?
Shane: Keep it real at all costs. Keep it coming at all costs, there’s no money in it so it’s easy.
RF Shannon - “Had a Revelation”
Cold Spell - Single
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