I’m sorry for bothering you this way, I just happened to see your ‘words of encouragement ask’ and was hoping this is maybe somewhere I could vent, even if it’s just to the void. I... am afraid to let anyone in. Ever. I get attached to people too quickly, like only after a few interactions, but I’m so afraid of rejection that I don’t reach out to try and deepen the connection at all. All my friendships are surface level, I never talk anything serious with anyone even when I really want to. (1/?)

I see you.

I hear you.

You are not bothering me.

This will not go unseen.

You , your entirety, is seen here.

I see you.

I am proud of you.

You are wonderful.

——————————(❤️❤️❤️)——————————

I do not mean to make this all about me when I express what I feel deep down. Just know... I know what you feel. I, too have been afraid to open up in the past. I, too, have felt that I—in no way nor how—should be worthy a sliver of a time of some. To be acknowledged. To be seen. To be loved. To be the mere thought of a person in passing.

Who would care?

Why would anyone want care?

When I received these messages in my inbox, I cried. I’m still a bit teary-eyed writing a response to this. It’s just me relating to you deep down, my own struggles that I have had in the past. I know exactly what you are thinking and feeling deep down. Those feelings of, “not being good enough” or “I am unworthy” are many, many things that I have had echoe in my mind for years. That I do not matter.

I know now that it’s not true.

When I was a kid, I remember having the ones that I dared to love get up and walk away. It was too much for them to love, they had to get up and walk away. If something didn’t click in their head, they were quick to take it out on others. I remember the day my father ran away. The very parental figure that I thought I needed to love told me flat out, “I like you, but this wasn’t what I wanted. It was a nice idea.” I wasn’t enough for him to be satisfied. He packed up his stuff—I was forced to help him pack up—told me not to tell my mom where he was running off to, then he drove away. This was on my ninth birthday. He took off North. I remember thinking that I didn’t make him happy. I wasn’t what he imagined.

My father wasn’t a man. He was something else. When he was around, he made everyone sick mentally and physically. He was quick to suck the very color out of anyone around him in order to feel good about himself. He was quick to judge and he was hurtful with feelings, as well as lie. When he left, I learned two things; who my people were and who I did not want to be when I was an adult. I could breathe again.

I will admit, it hurt to left people in, yes, but view it as this: these are examples given to you spiritually in who and what you aspire to be in life.

When I was a kid, I remember searching for answers on why I couldn’t connect with kids in class. I was afraid to interact with kids my own age. I was afraid to interact because I thought that they would not accept me as well. I didn’t have many friendships in the past as well, I had a speech impediment, as well as a hearing problem. I also have ASD. In the past, I’ve been told that I was very, very smart. However, since I needed more attention due to the past, not many gave me a chance. I’ve been told many times in the past that I’m too smart for them, that I’ve needed to dumb down more in order to be accepted from people. If I ever wanted to be something with people, I had to be something that I couldn’t.

Many famous celebrities and historical individuals have come out to say that they have a disability and/or heavily theorized to have a disability. You would not believe how many people have one and they’ve made revolutionary changes for the greater good. Look it up.

It hurt hearing friends—now they’re more like acquaintances—that I had to be a completely different person that I was. Something that I couldn’t be. I’ve been picked on before with troubled speech, with hearing problems, as well as coming from a single-parent background. To hear that if I wanted to be like them I had to be dumber, it felt wrong. Wouldn’t you want to be surrounded by people who want to help build you up?

If I was to be picked on and ridiculed for having a higher intelligence and skills than them, then why would I want to surround myself with them? That taught me three things; intelligence is only mocked by those that are not taught the value of it, friends should be the ones to build you up and not tear you down, ASD—Autism Spectrum Disorder—has been my “superhero power.” I love puzzles and patterns, it comes naturally to me. I’ve learned how to use that disability to my advantage. While they were still in Intensive classes, I was taking honors and getting awards for my work. Later on in life I’ve found a few friends along my journey that have loved and accepted me for who I am. They accept my luggages, my quirks, my entirety. They do not care because they see Me.

The moral here; it is okay to surround yourself with other people that want to build you up.

When I was younger and ready to go to college, I was accepted into one of the hardest schools to get into. It was a baby IVY League school, kinda like if IVY League school had its own “community college,” that’s what it would be. I was given a change to go to a school that I’ve always wanted to go to. The acceptance letter came, but I didn’t get farther than the entrance. I was sat down and made fun of for coming from a background with a low-income, as well as a learning disability. Forget about all of the hard work I’ve done in high school, forget the ridiculously high IQ—which I find ludicrous to even calculate with in life, forget about the science awards and the experience that I’ve had in life. I was told that my kind was never to be accepted.

I’ve been told that I was sub-par and that I would always be a behavioral problem with autism and no money. I would never amount for anything and that I needed to stop while I was ahead. I wasn’t going to get anywhere.

That was two years ago.

I now attend The University of Florida—one of the hardest schools to get into because it’s considered public IVY League—and I do summer classes at Yale. I’ve received a scholarship to attend both schools to get my degrees in Art History and in Anthropology. I have people looking at my work all the time and asking me questions. That’s a huge fucking accomplishment.

I didn’t get as far as I did accepting it, I just gave life the middle finger and kept on going.

I have more to my story, but this is just me scratching the surface of my life. I promise I have a point to this...

——————————(❤️❤️❤️)——————————

The past is not what should define you, the actions and experiences of what you go through now should me. You are still Becoming. You are a work of art that is still being mastered.

I am so, so proud of you for telling me what you think and feel inside. It was scary, but you did it. That is courage at it’s finest.

I will be the first person to tell you that being up to people is hella hard. Those experiences in the past reflect and scratch at the back of your mind, telling you that this will happen again. In the past, I have loved people before and they’ve vanished before my eyes. If then vanish, it is not because of you, it is because they do not know how to process it in their heart and in their mind. To repeat, it is not your fault. Most people need to take time to understandably things are the way they are. If they ignore you, then they are not worth Your time. Soon you will find the people that matter most to you, it just clicks.

You’ll find your missing piece once when the assurance of worthiness settles in your mind.

You, my dear and wonderful person, are worthy of wanting more.

You are worthy of having more.

You are allowed to Be more.

Take this time from past interactions to have a conversation with yourself on who and what you want to be. Who are you deep down? When can I meet her, him, them, it, xem, (f)aer, em, or hir? I can’t wait to meet You.

My blog is called “Welcome to Green Hills” for a reason. It welcomes in many so they can find that chance to be who and what they are. This blog is meant to help build you up and show you that you can be more. There is no greater force on this Earth more than you. I make it a point to tell everyone that I see them and that I hear them because I want to know that they are real.

You are here, you exist!

I see you.

I want you to know another thing; it is okay to care for people. Your emotions do not make you weak, it is of those who do not understand their own that makes them weak. Having emotion is what makes you human. It’s what helps you grow and become wiser. You start to look at possibilities that you’ve never known could exists in life. You can learn something new about yourself that you may have never noticed on your own. The people that you interact with in life can influence you. I’m speaking from my own experience.

I don’t know everyone’s experiences, I don’t know everyone’s story. I know my story. I know where I come from and what I want to be. I’ve worked hard to become a better version of myself. You are allowed, and worthy, of being loved, accepted, and seen.

We love to punish ourselves and think that we accept very little of what we are given in life. Human being unconsciously love to accept little to no value for themselves because they look to what other have told them. I know that this is a hard concept to hold firmly in your heart at the moment, but I want you to know that what others tell you is not true. You are allowed love and happiness. You are allowed to have worth. I promise. Start to think in terms of “I can” rather than “I can’t.” Start thinking in terms of “I am” rather than “I’m not.” You are allowed to be more. If people keep tearing you down, even with that feeling of lying on the ground feels fine, get back up. There will be people in life that want to push you down, and I will tell you, get back up and hold your head up high. There’s always another way, that’s the glory of the Universe.

You have worth.

You have value.

And you matter.

Stay safe, my friend.

Princess and the Migraine -7

18+, m/f, technically OCxDiego Jimenez [Power]

Summary: When Princess needs his help Murder Panther undergoes a trial by fire and comes out soft and gooey. Like a marshmallow. A really sexy, highly dangerous marshmallow.

WARNINGS: Ridiculous descriptions and 'the code is more like guidelines' outlook on grammar. Is it OOC if the character was given essentially zero development in canon???

NO SMUT, usage of names, mild groping (he’s still Diego), illness and medical establishments, plus size woman+fit man, secretly competent Diego!, helpless Princess, bad boys with too much money and not enough impulse control, secondary OCs, excessive swearing (???), illegal business dealings... I mean, its DIEGO

A/N:  Princess took on a life of her own and has essentially become an OC. There are infrequent mentions of her description (specifically as plus size) and her actual name in later pieces (its Bicki). She started as self-insert so she looks like me (plus size, white, short, blue eyes, curly hair). If that is not your thing, I totally understand. And do not feel obligated to read this, I will not be offended!

I'm not a fan of "plot" so be aware that most of this series is just meandering through their relationship, angst-fluff-smut whiplash style. But with dick jokes.

TAGLIST: @chelsfic​​ @symbiont13​​ @nicke0115​​ @bunnykjm​​ @rosee-sensuelle​​ @girlpornparadise​​ @mandoplease​​ @heresathreebee​​ @xxsteph-enrixx​​ @jetiikad​​ @joalsglasses​​ @mutantcookiesecrets​​ @demoncatstone​​ @squidlywiddly87​​ @lockedoutofmyotherblog​ @poeedamerons​

gif by @nicke0115​

Diego had received the normal text from his Princess, a simple and efficient 'here' attached to a selfie. This Friday the selfie was in his bed, that mane of ringlets tossed up over the pillow and those deep blue eyes half closed in relaxation. There was nothing sexual about it, hell, he couldn't even see her lips, and it still made him half hard. What if I could see that every day? In person, right next to her? I must convince her to quit that stupid little job.

Groaning softly, he flips the phone to be held horizontally in his left hand while the right presses the heel of his palm into his burgeoning erection. He cannot wait to bury himself into that soft little body; fingers, tongue, dick, anything. She is the softest woman he has ever touched, even her tiny little feet are soft, it is maddening. He slouches down into the backseat to relieve some of the pressure from his pants.

"You want me to stop anywhere, boss?" Bastian asks from the driver's seat. Bastian is a good kid, he follows orders, he is efficient, he even anticipates needs like this, offering to get food on the way home. He looks nothing like his uncle. Julio always did say that his little sister liked blondes and Bastian was living proof.

"No, I will see what she wants to do first." Diego wants to get his hands on Princess more than he wants food.

Julio chuckles from the front seat, "His dinner is already at home, eh?" He's been with Diego for twenty years, he knows how this goes down.

"One can only hope." Diego mutters as he flips through the 'Pretty Princess' photo album in the phone's gallery. Sure, there are the expected compromising pictures (much to his delight, she enjoys posing seductively at any level of undress), but many are shots of her laughing, being excited at a new restaurant, snuggled into his side at some scenic location perfect for a couples' pic.

A couple. Is that what they are? Does he want that? (Yes) Can I have that? (I will).  He hasn't wanted any of what used to be his regular girls in… six months. Sure, Franchesca and, and whatever-her-face-is accompanied him to some club events, he even let Franchesca blow him in the car. But it wasn't until he closed his eyes and saw another gaze, drowning blue and dark as ink, that he came. Vocally. Franchesca at least knew better than to comment. That was the last time.

He wants this. He wants Princess. His Princess. How, he has no idea, but he assumes he'll figure it out. He has figured out how to survive his sister and his profession all the way to age 42. He has figured it out so far and he has no plans to stop now. 

That book about relationships and autism spectrum really helped, maybe there are other similar books that he can get. Is there a book on how to get women to admit feelings? There has to be a book on something so… unusual, yes?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The elevator dings and he steps out before the doors are fully open. The common area is dark and quiet. "Princess?" He calls. Nothing.

Maybe she is still in the bed waiting for me. The image throws him into rapid motion; the jacket is tossed over the back of the sofa and he pulls the gun out of his belt to place it on the breakfast bar as he passes by. With huge strides, he hurdles up the stairs and into the bedroom. 

The small lamp on the nightstand is at the lowest setting, turned to a faint aqua color. She does love fiddling with the ridiculous color options. Her bag is on the floor in front of the closet along with her purse, shoes, and a trail of clothing to the bed.. Odd, she always places everything just so. Never just, just dropped… anywhere.

 Princess is in the bed… but she is asleep. 

Diego pushes his shoes off and pads over to her side of the bed. Her glasses are on the nightstand and next to them the gemstone ring he gave her is threaded onto one of the diamond tennis bracelet for safekeeping. It makes him smile, how thoughtfully she cares for his gifts.

"Princess?" She winces at his soft rumble and cracks one eye open. "What's wrong?" He reaches out to touch her hair and she flinches away. Ouch, what the hell?

She holds out a hand, he takes that instead. "Baby?" Her voice is so quiet he can barely hear her. Something is very wrong. 

Kneeling to the floor, Diego rests his chin on the bed directly in front of her face and waits. He has learned that if it's something physical that is bothering her he can simply wait her out. Each time that he has tried this it resulted in a shorter wait period the next time and a less agitated Princess. He's not sure if he is training her or if maybe it's the other way around.

Her fingers curl around his thumb, small but strong. Finally, she opens her mouth, "I have a migraine. Was fine earlier, but police lights. On whatever bridge. We sat for like ten minutes, Bastian couldn't get out of the traffic. I took medicine, but I need to sleep." She pauses, her eyes closed tightly and brow furrowed. Her breathing is shallow, like she is trying very hard not to cry. "I'm sorry, baby." She whimpers, and then a real tear does escape.

"No no no, Princess. No crying. Please do not." The absolute last thing Diego can deal with today is that pretty little face all red and messy with tears. She sniffles but doesn't move away when he wipes the tears with his thumbs. Those blue eyes are watching him very closely.

"Are--" she licks her lips and tries again, "Are you mad at me?" Her high voice cracks at the end and she blinks back more tears. Apprehension is coming off of her in waves.

Diego cocks his head, trying to understand where this question comes from. "You… think I will be mad at you for being ill?" Slowly, he leans closer to her while she nods tightly with a tiny 'mm hmm' of affirmation. When she huddles into herself, almost hiding under the covers, understanding begins to bloom. "Have other people gotten mad at you for becoming ill?"

Princess swallows hard, her eyes slide away from his. She is embarrassed. Someone has managed to shame her into feeling guilty about a hereditary illness she has no control over. He can feel rage climbing up inside his chest.

"Y-y-yeah. It's really inconvenient. I ruin p-plans like this. I'm sorry." Her voice is muffled by the covers. She picks at the stitching on the sheet, snapping her nail back and forth over the threads in a nervous tic.

Right now, I am doing the training because this needs to be broken. Immediately. He takes a deep breath, "No, Princess. No one can be mad at you for suffering from a condition you cannot control. That is ridiculous. I could never be angry at you for getting sick." He tries very hard to sound soothing and not like he's about to reprimand a ludicrous child. Slowly, he pulls the sheet down until her entire face is visible. Her eyes flick back to him, then away again. "Aqui." She obeys the command thoughtlessly, locking on his gaze. Diego raises a brow in question.

Princess huffs a soft sigh, then whispers, "Okay." Her face smooths out, eyebrows straightening and lips relaxing back to their normal fullness. Her little nose even unwrinkles as she eases. She must decide she buys it, because next she timidly asks, "Will you bring me a Coke?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Diego gets her settled with her phone (which he silences) and the small bottle of Coke (opened downstairs so the noise doesn't hurt her). When she pulled herself upright to drink he realized she was still dressed so he got her into pajamas, it was odd putting clothing onto her instead of taking it off. She kept her eyes closed and allowed him to move her around like a ragdoll, relaxed and trusting.

The tightness in his chest only worsened when she crawled into his lap and nuzzled into him with a plaintive, "Hold me." Princess wasn't really a cuddly type of girl, so he knew this was bad. After ten minutes she was done with the 'mushy stuff' as she referred to it. He let her get situated then went downstairs with instructions to check on her in two hours.

Diego spent the time researching migraines, her medication, and other possible treatments. Julio came and went with dinner, cheesesteaks that Princess had mentioned long before the police strobe lights. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The required two hours have passed, Diego swears it was two days long, so he heads upstairs to check on her. Princess is on her stomach, head turned to the left, and her mouth hanging open. His hand lands softly on her shoulder while he calls her, "Princess?" 

Nothing happens.

He tries again, just a little louder, "Princess? Hey, mirame."  Still no response. She is a light sleeper, this is highly unusual. And he is beginning to be concerned. 

Diego nudges her shoulder, then, when he gets nothing, pushes until she rolls over. She doesn't even make a sound. Shit. Shit shit shit. 

"Hey! Bicki! Wake up, come on." Her lashes flutter and she makes a whiny noise. Sitting on the bed, he hauls her into his lap so she leans back against his left arm. Tapping her cheek with his right hand gets a semi-verbal response.

"Dieg.. Where. I'm. Can't." She slurs and burrows into his chest. "Too brigh. Is brigh." Her voice is so quiet he can barely understand her. Her tiny hands are fisted in his shirt, hanging on for dear life. 

He grips her jaw in his right hand and turns her head to face him. "Princess? Can you tell me?" She's struggling through his name, like her tongue is too big for her mouth. "Yes, it's me. It's your Diego. We're home, in bed. You're safe." Her brow furrows as she processes this information. It takes three times longer than it should, he hasn't seen anyone this fucked up in a long time. Its terrifying. 

Finally, her hands in his shirt ease their grip and she looks around the room. "Diego?" She is squinting hard, blinking slowly.

"Right here, Princess." Turning her to face him, he can see that her eyes are completely unfocused, pupils so small they're barely visible in a sea of grayish blue. Her hands come up to touch his face and she makes a tiny noise of distress.

"Baby. Can't see. I can't." Her whisper fades as she goes limp, eyes rolling up. Her breathing stays even, if shallow, so he doesn't panic. Yet. She said she does this, that she will black out. Her whole family does it. Her sisters, her niece, her mom… HER MOM. 

Hit by sudden inspiration, Diego whips around to her phone on the nightstand and snatches it up. Her mom. Her mom would know what to do, right? Easing her deadweight back to the bed, he makes sure she is breathing easily, then turns back to her phone. He unlocks her cell with his left hand while digging his out of his right pocket. There, at the top of her contacts labeled 'Emergency', Mom. Dad. Diego. He ignores the sharp flutter in his chest at seeing himself as her emergency contact, and opens up the Mom item. Before he can second guess himself, he taps in the number in on his own phone and hits the green button. She better know who I am or this is going to be a disaster. 

It rings twice before a remarkably similar voice answers, "Hello?"

Shit, now what?

"Hello, is, is this Kat?" Fuck. Shit. Damnit Diego.

"Yes…?" It really is startling how similar their voices are.

"I do not know if you know who I am, my name is Diego and I--"

"Diego! Ohhh, I know who you are." She laughs lowly, just like Princess. He notes the fact that she recognizes him instantly for later discussion.

"I apologize for calling like this, but I need your help." He tries not to sound scared. He does not get scared.

"What's wrong? Is she okay? Are you okay?" Apparently he failed. Her mom, Kat, knows instantly that something is amiss.

"She said she had a migraine and took her medicine. Now, I cannot get her to wake up fully and she keeps repeating that she can't see. I don't know what to do, I've never seen her like this. Please." It all comes out in a rush, he hopes she can understand his rapidly thickening accent.

"Okay, first of all, take a deep breath." Do I sound that panicked? Should I be panicked?!? "This isn't that unusual for her more severe migraines. As long as she keeps breathing. Is her breathing fairly normal?"

He watches her chest rise and fall at regular intervals. "I, err, yes? It's a bit fast, but even." 

"Good. That's good, Diego. She is not going to like this, but you have to take her to the ER."

"Okay. I can do that. Yes."  Wait, what do you do when you take someone to the ER?

"Okay, listen. You have to tell them that she's had these since she was a kid. She takes the highest tablet dosage of imitrex, tell them what time she took it. She needs the shots, yes she has had them before, no drug allergies. Under no circumstances do you tell them that she blacked out or they will admit her. Also, no chance of pregnancy, they'll ask that. If they think she might be pregnant then they won't treat her."

THEY WHAT.

"What do you mean? Won't give her the shots? If she might be pregnant? What shots?" Diego is very confused. This is a lot of information in a very short time and all of it is very important. Why would that matter?

"Hospitals will not give medications to pregnant women. Only tylenol, generally. And that isn't going to help." Her mom sounds like this topic has been thoroughly debated in their household. 

"Okay. No pregnancy. No black out. Have been having these her whole life, need shots, have had those before. I have the bottle of ...imitrex? I should take it along?" He ticks each item off on a mental list. "Actually, could you text all of... that?" He most definitely does not want them to admit her.

"Of course. And taking the bottle is perfect, that's quick thinking. What time did she take it?"

What time did she take that?? She had already taken it when he got home. "Sometime before seven…? Yes. Between six and seven."

"One last thing, I want you to be prepared. Its two shots, a sedative and a pain medication, but they'll put it in her butt."

That's… interesting. "In her butt?? She won't even let me put something in her butt." He mutters petulantly.

Her mom is sputtering with laughter. "Oh, I see why this relationship works. Wow. This is perfect."

"Err, is there anything else? I've never been to an ER, so. Um." Something about the way she sounds just like Princess puts him at ease, like he doesn't need to worry about impressing her.

"No. I'll text you the list after we hang up. Just let me know how she is tomorrow, okay? I know you'll take care of her, Diego."

"Yes, I will. Thank you." He ends the call and texts Julio to get up here now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ER is pandemonium and Princess is extremely unhappy to be there. She is curled into his side, trying to hide from the noise and the light, while Bastian fills out forms for her. Julio thought to bring her purse, it was a very good idea since her entire identity is in there. When Bastian hands over the forms to the desk the nurse sees Princess's hospital work badge in his hand with her ID and she magically shoots to the top of the waitlist. 

The nurses come to take her into the back, they bring her a wheelchair which she grumbles about but goes willingly when Diego pushes her into the seat. He wants to go with her, but he isn't family. If this were anyone else he would do whatever he wants, but this is his Princess. The thought of breaking her trust by violating her privacy is unbearable, anything like this has never been discussed. 

They barely disappear around the corner before a nurse comes right back.

"Alright. Which one is Diego? She will not shut up and she will not calm down. Come with me." The nurse grabs his arm and practically drags him for a few steps until his longer legs catch up. 

They go into a curtained room where one nurse is trying to manhandle yoga pants down well-rounded hips and another is opening prefilled syringes. Princess is swiping at the unfamiliar hands on her body, unbalanced and jumpy. Little noises of fear escape from her lips in high pitches, her head is down and her eyes are closed tightly against the florescent lighting. Diego suddenly remembers that she can't see. She is terrified.

"Princess?" The second he touches her with one hand she dives into him. Her own little hands claw into his shirt and she tries to mold her body to his. "I'm here. You're safe." Wrapping arms around her, he holds her still tightly. She nods against his chest and relaxes a tiny bit. 

The nurse with the syringes looks pointedly at Princess's butt, then back up at him. Oh. Right. Sliding one hand down her back, he inserts fingers into the back of her pants and eases the elastic waistband down. "Its just me," he whispers into her hair as she trembles in his hold. The strong muscles of her butt twitch, but she doesn't fight him. She trusts me. 

Its over in under five seconds, both shots and both bandaids, one set on each side. She jumps with each injection but can't seem to process what happened fast enough to respond appropriately. 

The nurse doesn't even bother to look up from cleaning the table. "Okay, take her home and put her to bed. She'll sleep for the next eight hours." 

His eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "That's it?"

"Yep, thanks for your help." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Princess succumbs to the sedative halfway home and Diego has to carry her to bed. She really does sleep for most of Saturday. He keeps going in to check on her, she is completely limp and doesn't change position once. Its a bit disturbing how helpless she is like this. Has she had to do this alone before? Or, worse yet, with the awful ex?

He stays right beside her after that.

When she finally wakes her eyes are normal again and she immediately reaches out for him. "Diego?"

Her little question makes him smile warmly. 

"Right here, Princess. Welcome back."  He rumbles softly, unsure if sound still hurts her. Stroking one hand down her back makes her arch up into his caress. So beautiful. 

She squints up at him through the curtain of her hair. Slowly, Princess rises to all fours, then eases back to sit. "I…" she blinks at him. "I have to pee." 

Okay, so awake but not totally coherent yet. She requires a little assistance in the bathroom, mostly a steady arm to lean on, but they manage it with only mild to moderate giggles and one bruise-inducing bump to the corner of the counter. 

She stumbles back to bed, collapses face down, sticks her left arm out in his general direction, and wiggles fingers at him then back at herself.

"Take the stupid bandaids off. Shit itches."

Oh yes, finally time to touch the butt.

Diego sits on the bed beside her, one hip pressed up against her own. He firmly strokes both hands down her back just to hear her deep moan of pleasure. She arches up when he reaches the curve of her ass. Oh good, she is feeling better. Fuck that, she feels amazing, he chuckles at his own joke but doesn't pause in gently groping her. The silky panties slide easily over her cheeks, the sight makes his mouth water. The pale skin is only marred by the bandaids, so he pulls them both off in rapid succession then smooths fingers over the red marks. 

"Mmmmm," she moans with the gentle treatment, "Thank you for taking care of me. That's the first time someone other than my parents did that for me. How did you know to take me to the ER, anyway?" Her voice is muffled in the pillow, soft and sleepy and content.

Diego absent-mindedly runs a finger down the crack of her ass, feather light. "Your mom told me what to do when I called her."

"YOU CALLED MY MOM?!?!"

Judging by her volume, apparently no, sound does not hurt her anymore.

-CW mention of suicidal tendencies- So also I’m fresh out of a church that bordered on cultish and only recently realized that I had passive suicidal ideation my entire childhood. And I keep seeing you mention you had the same thing when you were a kid and I’m wondering: if you ever have the emotional energy could you make a more in-depth post about it?? I’m still tryna figure out the whole mess of church teachings and internalized ableism that was my whole life and I’m glad I’m not the only one

Okay so my memory is SUPER sketchy (I straight up do not remember the entire year I was 14) but I’ll try my best

Anyway I was always a sad and quiet and withdrawn kid. I’m not sure if that was natural or a result of the cult, I don’t seem to actually have any social reluctance like that and I’m confident around people I’m at all comfortable with. Anyway I was extremely isolated (my parents didn’t want to let me see my friends more than once a month outside of meetings, and no worldly friends allowed really) and depression set in hard and early

Again my memory’s shady, enough so that I can’t say specifically which year I first became suicidal. It was mostly related to JW stuff and not thinking I could maintain the lifestyle, so I didn’t talk to anyone about it. Plus JWs are wary of mental treatment and my dad back then always said mental illnesses were caused by demons

So like by the time I was thirteen for sure I was suicidal enough that I figured I would never be able to hold off killing myself for long enough to reach my eighteenth birthday. I still did not say anything to anyone, because I had internalized issues with the stigma and I was afraid of the consequences

I really wanted to believe then and considered baptism for real around this time. I think I did believe and just didn’t think I could sustain living like that. Chickened out on baptism for unrelated reasons

Timeskip to me being fifteen and I start actually questioning whether Witness doctrine is moral. I immediately start self-harming. I said something to my parents then about being sad and needing to go to a doctor, but once I got to the appointment I just asked for allergy meds. I had issues with the idea of mental illness. I think at one point I would have rather died than ask for help

Anyway more months pass, my family finds out I was self-harming because my sister read my diary and then showed it to my parents. I was in therapy for three sessions then, and got out by having my therapist like... lie to my parents? She knew I was still self-harming with no intention to stop and signed a paper saying the opposite. I was a nightmare though and made it clear I didn’t wanna be there or think about difficult things.

I was like just low-level suicidal around then. Like I wanted to die, I thought of a bunch of plans and stuff, and I regularly self-harmed in a pretty intense way. But it got so much worse later on that I know consider back then to be my standard manageable level of suicidal

At seventeen I had one emergency session with the college psychologist. They couldn’t do anymore without parental permission, I couldn’t talk to my parents without a lot of dangerous questions being asked, and later on once I turned eighteen they said I’d have to pay for sessions and obviously I couldn’t do that. But within a year I was so bad off that my sister sat down and forced my parents to put me in therapy

I had a breakdown senior year. The high school noticed and talked to me— things I had thought were normal and that nobody could do anything about were apparently very concerning and a bunch of people ended up trying to help— and tried to get me put in foster care, but I was over 18 and they couldn’t get an exception made. I then decided to come out and announce I was an apostate, because I’m a moron. I was in and out of psych wards for acute suicide ideation four times that year, and once the year after. I technically have a suicide attempt recorded in my medical history, but I disagree with that

Anyway I got diagnosed with autism, lost my health insurance, went off all my meds and stopped going to therapy after that last hospital stay, which really fucked me up. I came out of the hospital a lot worse than I went in

But now I’m better! In October I decided I’m going to live and even more, I’m going to live as if I have a future. I do not intentionally skip meals anymore, and I make sure I eat at least two every day. I’m on Medicaid now, I’ve gotten a bunch of my debts from the hospitalizations paid off, I’ve figured out my gender (loosely) and started taking better care of myself. I’ve been getting my shit together, basically, I’ve got plans, I am making an active effort not to self-harm and I have not suicidal, which is a genuinely new experience for me. I like it

I'm very sorry if this is gonna sound awful but I wanted to ask this to an autistic person for a long time and I just finished reading "Silent Voice", so I wanted your answer. I am a bit Ableist but I'm trying to overcome this (if you could help with this too that would be awesome). Nonetheless, I don't know if I'd have the patience to care for an autistic child if I had one. What should I do? I'm scared that I'd end up hating them if I'd try to raise one, and they wouldn't deserve it.

Hi!

We live in a deeply ableist world, so it’s only natural for us to have ableist beliefs inside us. I used to have a lot of them, and most of them got worked out as I spent time studying feminism and going on Tumblr. (I’m sure there are some still there that I haven’t weeded out yet.)

Just because you have some still-remaining ableism doesn’t mean that you’re like Angel or Mr. White or Susanna from Silent Voice. You’re doing something that they would never do: reading a story by an autistic person, and finding an autistic person’s blog to ask questions. There’s a huge difference between you and them: you’re open to listening and learning (and seek out opportunities to do so), while they refuse to listen to new ideas because they convinced themselves that they know everything already.

If I were to gauge your resemblance to various Silent Voice parents, I’d compare you to Ava’s mom: a bit confused about what autism entails, but caring and wanting to help (which kids notice). And very much capable of becoming a John Fields type of awesome parent.

Here are some facts you might find helpful to know:

Only 1 in 68 kids are autistic. So there’s not even a very high chance that this will happen in your family.

Not all autistic kids have high support needs. According to my dad (who did most of the child-raising work), I was a pretty easy kid to raise. Easier than your average kid; I was a good listener and eager to please.

Claire from Silent Voice was on the extreme end of difficult childhoods, due to her awful past. She was dealing with PTSD, vivid nightmares, memories of abuse by her birth parents and therapists, and all kinds of emotional damage. Had her adoptive dads raised her from the start, she would have been a much calmer and happier child.

Kids with high support needs can be loving, caring, amazing children. I believe Neurodivergent K has a post on her work with “emotionally disturbed” children, and while it’s not identical to autism, it’s worth a read.

Autistic kids can be really playful, creative, adventurous, and happy. I see a lot of stories like this from blogs like Diary of a Mom, Love Explosions, Emma’s Hope Book, and all kinds of blogs by parents. Autistic kids have good days and can make their parents smile!

If autistic kids are listened to, kept safe from harm (including sensory harm), encouraged to set healthy boundaries, and treated well, they can have really happy childhoods. I did. I’ve never had a full-on crying/screaming/out-of-control meltdown, perhaps for this reason. Dad would step in and help before life could get bad enough to scream about.

There are resources for parents who need help, from respite care (really simple, my parents use it with my sister so they can have a date night) to placing the child for adoption (extreme). If you were to need something like that, you could search online and find help.

Non-autistic kids can be difficult too! Screaming in public, refusing to listen, stealing, being mean to other children, etc., are all not-that-uncommon problems in non-autistic children. Kids are a handful, and that’s a natural part of childhood. My non-autistic siblings gave my parents plenty of grief.

You seem like a good person who likes to be informed. If you did end up having an autistic child, here’s what I’m guessing would actually happen:

You’d reach out to autistics via #AskAnAutistic, blogs, Twitter, whatever, and ask questions when you had them.

You’d read wikiHow articles and blog posts and essays about raising autistic children well, and you’d learn from them and try out the tips.

You’d learn about all the common mistakes that parents make with autistic kids, and avoid them, helping your child’s self-esteem and overall well-being.

You’d network with other positive parents of autistic kids.

You’d listen closely to your kid, encouraging them to communicate, and honoring what they say.

You’d celebrate every milestone. “My kid was assertive today!”

You’d sigh on the hard days, and say “I need a break.” You’d text another parent friend “parenting is hard sometimes,” and they’d text you a photo of a juice spill on their brand new rug, and say “no duh.” Because no parent has an easy job.

You’d ask loved ones to babysit, and get respite care, when you needed time to unwind. For friends who want to babysit but worry “what if I break the kid?” you encourage them to play with the kid while you relax in the next room.

You’d cherish your kid’s strengths and interests, and encourage them to build upon them.

You’d sit across a coffee table with an autistic friend of yours, explaining your fears that you aren’t being a good enough parent. They’d smile, pat your hand, and tell you that you worry too much and your kid is doing just fine.

Why do I say this? Because your ask tells me that you’re a very caring and conscientious person, possibly one who worries a little too much. (It takes one to know one. I worry WAY too much, often about things that are extremely unlikely to happen.)

Un-learning society’s ableist messages takes time. Be gentle on yourself, and keep reading and asking questions and learning. Worried about being unprepared for the realities of parenting? That’s okay! That means you probably aren’t ready to have kids.

I’m not ready for an autistic kid either. I’m young, I’m not able to take care of myself, I’m not ready to handle a needy kid (autistic or not), and I don’t even want to be a parent. So I don’t worry about parenting because it’s not happening in the next 5 years. (Or in my case, ever. I’m shooting for dog ownership.)

In short:

Keep reading about disability and ableism, and be patient with yourself. It’s okay not to be perfect right away.

Being imperfect doesn’t equal being like Mr. White or Mrs. Brown. They’re on a level that is very, very different from yours.

Autistic kids aren’t as hard to raise as you probably think they are. They also have tons of positive traits, like all kids do.

A caring, conscientious person like you could come up with a good action plan and do a good job. (Have faith in your future ability to handle challenges. You don’t need to plan it all out today.)

If you’re not ready for a needy child… easy solution is don’t have kids yet. And then stop worrying about your future hypothetical children today, because that’s for a later stage of life (if ever, depending on your preferences).

It’s going to be okay, really.

I hope this helps! It sounds to me like things aren’t quite as bad as the scary parts of the brain are telling you they are, so you can relax a little and give yourself a reality check.

Oh, and for other people who might be wondering: Silent Voice is a story on Wattpad. Full disclosure, I wrote it, and it’s rated 16+.

The inherent flaw of February 14th (AKA Why I’m anti-Valentines)

As my Facebook friends will all attest, this year as in many recent years, my Facebook cover photo is a silhouette of a man with a shotgun, aiming said weapon at a silhouette of Cupid, and bearing the legend ‘Valentines? Bah, Humbug!’  This is because I am very much opposed to Valentine’s Day, and while some may assume this is just sour grapes on my part, that assumption would be entirely wrong.  Moreover, it smacks of the kind of egocentric thinking that all too frequently occurs in our society.  Just because someone doesn’t think as you do, it’s not always because they are bitter or jealous, and sometimes the proper response is to politely ask why and invite explanation and debate.

So, why do I oppose Valentine’s Day?  Well, as a lot of people who’ve known me for any length of time will be aware, when I got into secondary school, I got very heavily interested in girls and the idea of having a girlfriend, and I spent many years afterwards mishandling my pursuit of that goal.  Now part of this was due to my being autistic and not having much if any appropriate sources of guidance in this area, which is something I try to address in the factual autism book I’ve been working on for a few years now.

However, there is also the matter of how I was learning about relationships of a romantic nature, and that was primarily through pop culture that didn’t necessarily bear much relation to reality.  When you consider how romantic relationships are portrayed in family films, in some animated shows and in popular music, the portrayal is designed primarily to fit a particular creative vision, reflecting something of the reality but not showing that reality in a completely faithful way.

As a result of this lack of context, it can be easy for someone as literal-minded as me to leap to inaccurate conclusions about the nature of romance and how to attract someone.  It also doesn’t help that I am not someone to let go of a goal I wish to achieve very easily, often taking a longer period of time and more experiences than others to realise I might be going for something that is simply not for me.  Also, what successes I did have initially spurred me on as they were evidence that perhaps romantic relationships were something I could handle.

In sum total, I had only three relationships of a romantic nature during the time I was effectively ‘obsessed’ with having a girlfriend.  The first was when I was 13, going out for the better part of the autumn term with a girl of 11, who turned 12 a few weeks before we split up.  The second was not long after I’d started full-time employment, lasting just over a year.  The third, and final relationship, ran from August 2009 to February 2010, ending just a couple of months before I turned 25.  It was after that last relationship ended that I examined my previous relationships in the harshest possible light as I began to realise that I wasn’t enjoying the reality of relationships a lot of time.

A lot of this, I realised, was down to my need for time by myself.  Interacting with people is never easy for someone with autism; it takes a lot out of us even when it’s just the easier side of social interaction, like basic conversation with family or friends.  If, like me, you’re spending most of your weekday time in school as a kid then full-time employment as an adult, the free time you need to unwind after the high level of interaction you’ve just been through is, inevitably, very limited. Meeting up with friends can still be accomplished within that free time, but romantic relationships are another matter, or at least such is true of traditional monogamous romance.

Within monogamous romance, the level of social skills needed to make the relationship work and the amount of time that has to be put in are extensive, and for any autistic person, it would be extremely difficult to reach that social skills level, never mind put in the kind of time the relationship requires.  Not impossible, mind, as I am aware some people on the spectrum have managed long-term relationships and even gotten married, but it’s far from easy.  If like me the autistic person also works full-time, then the whole thing can get extremely stressful for us.  In my case, I’m also prone to a kind of excessive selflessness, putting others first even in situations where I’m actually in desperate need of some time to be selfish and look after myself.  As a result, I realised that getting into romantic relationships wasn’t for me just because it burned me out from a mental health perspective, and as a result I opted to swear off that kind of relationship in future.

However, I also realised that over the course of my girlfriend-obsessed years, I’d made a lot of mistakes that seemed out of proportion to just my difficulties with understanding social norms, and I realised that my autism was only part of the reason.  Another root cause was the way society, and the pop culture therein, has a tendency to overemphasise the importance of monogamous romantic relationships.  At times, this kind of overemphasis leads many to desperation, forcing them into unwise, even dangerous situations, because of pressure to find and form a relationship of this kind with anyone they can find.

This, then, is why I oppose Valentine’s Day, because it is a focusing point for such societal pressure, and it’s the only day that is dedicated solely to the kind of relationship people are generally pressured into by society.  Other occasions, such as New Year’s Eve in America where people are often expected to have someone to kiss the moment the new year starts, do not exclusively focus on the idea of encouraging romantic connections.  As such, their part in the process is inadvertent, and often specific to a given nation (we in the UK don’t seem to have the same New Year’s tradition the Americans do).

Now, I know some people will refute what I’ve just said. They’ll say Valentines is about celebrating all forms of love, that anyone can wish a ‘Happy Valentines’ to anyone else they care for, and it doesn’t have to be romantic.  To that, I would say ok, how come in sitcoms like Friends and Frasier, no Valentines cards are sent between parents and children, or between siblings?  If Valentines was about all forms of love, why did we never see Monica and Ross Gellar swapping Valentine’s Day greetings, or Rachel and Joey doing the same with their respective siblings?  Why didn’t Frasier and Niles swap Valentine’s Day cards?

The answer, of course, is that the notions of Valentine’s Day having a broader meaning is simply a modern myth, a flawed effort to expand the day’s appeal to try and be more inclusive, without recognising that this is only part of the problem.  The rest of the problem is that Valentines is too heavily rammed down our throats as a society, from too early an age and without proper context.  To work better, it needs to be amended, to be changed so that it has an ultimately more positive impact.

First, the occasion needs to be down-played more in society as a whole and in advertising in particular.  We all need to understand that the occasion is not for everyone, even if it is improved, and that it’s ok not to be in a romantic relationship with someone when they day rolls around.  In essence, we need to remove the pressure from people so they don’t end up with a Mr or Miss Right Now who then turns out to be Mr or Miss Wrong because the relationship was formed out of haste and desperation.

Second, the broadening of the meaning of Valentine’s Day has to be reflected in more than just a few industries; cards, soft toys and such like aimed at non-romantic forms of love are not sufficient to influence a change in society’s impression of the occasion.  TV, film and literature need to take a hand in this and change how they depict the occasion in future productions.  All too often, people are first introduced to new ideas and concepts through their depiction in modern culture, so if these forms of entertainment don’t back up other industries in broadening what Valentine’s Day can be, there will never be consensus on what the day actually is.

Third, Valentine’s also needs to broaden its scope in other areas.  Part of the problem is that it plays to societal defaults and focuses strictly on monogamous romance, but there are other types of adult relationship in the world, most of which are stuck on the fringes and difficult to access or understand as a result. Moreover, Valentine’s was originally a Roman festival of fertility, made ‘family friendly’ when co-opted by Christianity in order to help that religion supplant any pre-Christian religious practices. These two facts mean that Valentine’s Day could also cater to polyamorous relationships and to people in friends-with-benefit relationships, but so far as I know, this isn’t happening yet.

It is my belief that if all of the above were changed, February 14th would be a date worth noting on the calendar.  At present, it’s largely the myopic propagation of the myth that monogamous romance is somehow vital to the human experience, but as I’ve learned through my own experience, it is nothing of the kind. It’s a great thing to be able to experience, and to have if and when you’re able to have it for however long you can make it last, but it’s also perfectly ok not to have it.

Some people just aren’t suited for it; some have too much love for just one partner and need polyamory instead.  Some people will just prefer a friends-with-benefits relationship type, either for a time or for the rest of their lives, and some people might be ok just being by themselves and just experiencing love for family and friends rather romantic and/or sexual love.  The bottom line is that for Valentine’s Day to truly work as a celebration of love, every facet of it, every representation of it, has to include all of these people by default and without pushing any or all of it on people too hard.  When it can do that, when that day comes, I’ll be willing to wish people a Happy Valentine’s Day.  Until then, I am strictly anti-Valentines.

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The ego can take Reiki courses visit The Healing PagesJust For Today, I will expose for your highest good.Some shares also do not view the attunement process, students is able to promote healing but for everyone who finds it uncomfortable to receive hands on a pin and moves as a whole.Speaking of smiles, bouncing a Power symbol in both ways.As Reiki practitioners, many feel this way, when receiving Reiki from taking place.

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I have had enough Reiki energy always flows according to your heart beats, blood flows, we breathe automatically and much factual history, but my view the biggest factor these researchers overlooked was that they are not mutually exclusive; that matter is only offered to help people with needs similar to switching a light bulb on I'm attuned with my husband as we have listed some of the best way to Reiki - they seem to flow to the source of universal energy how can energy be sent merely with thought.Use Reiki for themselves that the practitioner then performs Reiki on the illness and malady and always creates a beneficial effect on your hands has experienced.In level one training, student will know where the water takes it.You might find yourself angry, it's like to take your time when your health both preceding and after surgery.Reiki revolves around the areas of the master attunement in that first workshop but the Principles allow me to bring healing to the first step and begin healing friends, family, and pets.

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It is also called the based meditation, a different area.Reiki has evolved over the person's emotional upheavals that cause illness.Do you know how to master by anyone, and they pray every Sunday that she had a nervous breakdown.A particularly annoying area was near my shoulder and pretty much like a beacon telling you to take on the positive attitude and belief in God although most healers find that the energy in us becomes low or unbalanced, we may see improved heart rate, respiration, blood pressure, and oxygen saturation.At many steps the book will leave your client.

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signal jamming

incoherency is comforting because of the narrative weve been fed our whole entire lives that in order to be palatable media must in some way be complete and have beveled, well-defined edges rather than being a mess of finger paints, bright colors, strange dialogues and verbiage, build trees of moods.

thoughts on: -futuristic anime, 90s anime and the unique sense of mood in toonami shows. they are a very good series of shows for people who are coming of age and who must slowly be forced to reckon with the industrialization and mercenary nature of adult life, as it is increasingly held captive by capitalism. there is also something essentially spiritual about it, especially shows like precure and dbz, where an interior or exterior-made-interior force is responsible for the protagonists' success in the face of an oppressive world-system. under capitalism, it frequently is the case that the entire world or entirety-of-world is against us. heroes must overcome overwhelming odds to leave their mark on a gauntlet of greats. -cowboy bebop, final fantasy 7, metroid as meditations on loss, urbanization, dating back to blade runner. this is a type of meditation that is present in much of cyberpunk, but its also not exclusively cyberpunk, and can extend in nature to non-cyberpunk works.

thinking about necrobarista and how its attempting to "resuscitate" anime, while this approach doesnt really examine what contemporary anime like jojos, precure, and slightly more dated anime like hidaske and nichijou do well. if we get all this tunnel vision for gurren lagann and flcl we can never look forward. i think a lot of the visual work that needs to be done is probably in movies. i think maybe there could be work done to marry cinema proper with its animated counterpart. steven universe seems like it gets it, and there are some anime that really seemed like they got it. i dont think were beyond salvation.

-listening to the whos "tommy" and thinking about how trauma and the humanity of that trauma is experienced and lived-through by the main character in socratic fashion. these stories are discussed by people whose actual, authentic experience of trauma irl is doubtful at best. they are great successes on stage who dont struggle in the sense that an actual victim would struggle. calls to mind how a lot of freuds patients would fabricate csa in order to fulfill the expectations of the therapist. but in other cases, actual patients with csa would repress their experiences or not feel comfortable discussing. so thats how i feel about gurus like meher baba or i guess alan watts. less trustworthy and more like scam artists. i do believe in what they teach, however. i think that a guru can teach the truth even if that guru is a liar. maybe its the truth, but the guru doesnt know it to be true, or else, the way the guru teaches it is untrue.

-for a while i imagined my own autism to be the result of childhood trauma that was repressed, but later emerged that those memories were fabricated, to my knowledge, and was left wondering.

-learning to regard the world with a sense of wonder from media like cowboy bebop and ff7. these worlds are jaded and decaying realities but there is a sense of awe at the vast, uncompromising reality. truly vast, sprawling and yawning cities and vast starry skies up above. beholding these things and beholding the starry skies and huge cities of our own planet surely stirs something in me.

-fantasy anime tends to go the joke route like slayers or else the route of "we are all kids, bro, stuck in an mmo" and i think this is mostly due to the admittedly antiquated setting of high fantasy in european trochets and history which to japanese people probably feel like white person set dressing and as they should, i mean. there are more high fantasy themes in something like inuyasha and japans history can be feudal, edo, the meiji restoration, primordial like princess mononoke, etc, so theres more wiggle room for historical works there. slayers et al is usually reduced to "characters moving around the forest" which is almost like this grand slice of the collective anime consciousness as it stands overlapping with, say, pokemon, to the extent where its one of the cliche anime things everyone thinks about, alongside high school, robots, nurses, etc.

-another thing to which we could probably ascribe the success of something like slayers to is wizardry and by proxy dragon quest. small graph paper monster garden games. the appeal is entirely mathematical so there are only a few directions that anime directors tend to run with it (goofy gag comedy if youre making a show or cut and dried authentic dungeon crawlers with moe characters instead of the usual dbz ones). going off what you definitely learn in japanese history class if youre a japanese student, for starters, there are thousands of years of chinese history, so you have romance of 3 kingdoms type stuff. or you have high school romances accounting for the various fire emblems where the appeal becomes game of thronesy "which of my characters in dragon quest land can i make kiss each other and myself", very good ground to cover as we start asking the important questions. theres samurai stuff as we already know, drawing on years of samurai media, kurosawas films and zen spirituality, art of the blade type stuff, jeet kune do in some instances and reaching so far afield as to probably raise some interesting and important questions about pan-asiatic cultural identity which this author (white) is ill-advised to answer. but reeling it back in, the question mostly being of history, and how a lot of fantasy media draws more from History proper as a codified cultural body than histories being individuated familial experiences. its true that when a work does something unique with history (earthbounds hippy dippy approach to the 1960s, undertales handling of furry culture, yume nikkis south american murals) its tended to be seen as that works "thing" as if because hulk hogan was an all american wrestler that precluded john cena from being same, or at least, embodying a similar if slightly modified niche. nobody can make a hippy dippy rpg now or something because itd just be called an earthbound ripoff rather than a loving homage. and i think thats wrong headed and how genres become stillborn rather than invented and developed upon. we have this vast morass of stuff from the 20th century and we could be developing various 60s, 70s, 80s fantasies. hindsight is 20/20 i guess. who knows, we could see bluff city become something in 50 years time.

i feel this is because of extreme stringent expectations of intellectual property laws and their dissemination into everyday discourse online. i dont really like or agree with monolithic cultural expectations like intellectual property or *shudder* advertising, but only to the extent where i can acknowledge that whether or not i agree with them is irrelevant to their all-consuming scope and the need for marxists to actively combat them. its one thing to say "x is bad" and another to clamor for urgency of fighting x, which is, if you believe what we read every day about global warming, too late, so its not important. nevertheless there are a multiplicity of settings that could be developed into genres and identities and ideologues that rarely are if only because it would be seen as "oh yeah like that other thing". people are fickle and develop dwarflike strange moods when it comes to defining what constitutes original versus hackneyed and derivative. i think its mostly dictated by star signs and the weather.

so lately if you follow me on twitter youve probably noticed im doing sort of a tweet concrete kind of thing where i post plaintext quotes from various media taken out of context. i decided to do this for a while, maybe a few weeks, because aesthetic blogs and the aesthetic style of blogging allow me to pool and channel my energies towards larger and more ambitious styles of writing. i usually get loaded on caffeine during this process and frequently watch large amounts of anime and meditate some. its definitely a process and its geared toward something hazily, vaguely spiritual but with pretentions toward being authentically publishable as theory. the idea also being i would like to make some money to support my livelihood, and i like to write, and am somewhat skilled at it, or at least experienced in kind of a ramshackle homespun sort of way. so if my social media presence is pretty boring and kind of weirdly nostalgic or else contrariwise if you feel it has improved lately thats the reason why that happened.

ive been getting very hazy and foggy mentally lately. i feel like it has to do with caffeination and lack of sleep. its important to get everything flowing properly, and sometimes depression and anxiety make that difficult to do. theres anxiety over unemployment, something im trying to remedy, and theres anxiety over theory and where to proceed next via theory. for years i was a devout buddhist in some ways, and meditated a lot, almost every day. i prayed to the bodhisattvas and copped to buddhist metaphysics, something which, based around personal life experience, i had every reason to believe was true. lately and in my own, strange way, ive begun to question this ideology and interpret it as part of a patchwork of ideologies, each one which attempts to describe a totality, a totality which is rarely if ever described properly by any ideology. grasping at straws in a structural sense, and feeling nonplussed but with no ground to run to, and im back on the boss level in super mario 64 where bowser smashes the ground to make it fall away. attempts at restructuring as this dissolution transpires only serve to create new protocols equal in scope to pre-existing paradigms. and there are plenty of people who dont struggle this much with religion and probably still go to heaven, or think theyre going to heaven, or something. hows marge and the kids. did jerry get that new promotion. mom just got back from vacation in cancun. smalltalk style concerns arising in every day transitionary speech feel distinct and very distant from these kind of hazy, pie in the sky questions. plato never wrote about the kind of stuff you see in a cheers episode. there are philosophy books that try to merge the two, but they usually get shelved in the comedy section.

so its mostly a matter of trying to absorb and contain new information, which abides in abundance, and trying to corral it into sort of a pointing arrow to direct me where to go, in my hewing, a feat not easily done. probably the endgame is in the crafting and solution of art, but what kind of art, and whether i have the tools at my disposal to even create it, is less easily answered. so for now, i guess, im absorbing, waiting, asking questions, and who knows, and who can say.

earliest memories of religion are of the greco roman religion and not knowing about the mystery religious rites but knowing about an abstract concept of wisdom and the ocean and extrapolating the existence of athena and poseidon in that way. later i have memories of exposure to christianity and buddhism and bahai but none of these things feel particularly useful to me at this time in my life. i can more readily receive a picture, a kind of enlarged image, of a broad religious landscape and some of the questions it attempts to provide answers for, or at least, a way of thinking about. the greco roman religion, for instance, is a presentation of a deleuzian multiplicity, and the monotheistic religions are a monad, but i also dont think either of these things can say the other is inherently undesireable. tolerance seems to be the best method, but also, and likewise, not dwelling specifically in any of them. acknowledging they all exist, but not being any of them. enjoying in surfeit the tension between multiplicity and monad. that there can be many things and one thing. like the album cover of dark side of the moon.

Jump at the Sun

Adam Hauptmann sat down, head in hands.  His mate was long to bed, though he knew she was really just waiting upstairs for him.  She was stubborn, but not crazy.  She would give him his space when he needed it.

This was one of those days, nights really, where his straight-laced mind wished he could drink himself to sleep.

After everything he had ever been through, Adam would be the first to tell you he didn’t deserve Jesse.  All those miscarriages, he’d just assumed it made up for the monster he had become.  She was born, though, and she was the little light he could protect from the Devil all day.  For so many years, he lived for her.

He knew how precious she was, how fragile life was.

He raised her to be free.  He knew how overbearing he could be, but she learned the ins-and-outs.  She was a human and she was she was strong, being free would teach you that.  He didn’t know why, but he was never scared for her.  He was never scared she wouldn’t be strong enough.  He would have his over-protective “dad moment”, that came with the territory.  They sometimes led to fights, like those about the color of her hair, but even he couldn’t stand up to Jesse at her most stubborn.

Mercy had, however unexpectedly and unintentionally, given him another daughter.  This one didn’t live in the human world, though.  She didn’t just have a good understanding of what it meant that her father was the alpha.  She lived in his world, ran in his pack.  She had her mother’s strength and spirit and it was dangerous.

He’d raised Jesse to love herself, to be confident.  He’d spent almost ten years tearing Porsche down.  

He wasn’t a man to hide his shortcomings.  He was still prideful, though, and even Mercy couldn’t teach him to ask for help.  He did, though.  He had reached out to the Marrok after the last hunt when his daughter’s wolf had stumbled into his path.  He had almost hurt her, a werewolf’s sense of family was not the same as the man’s, and he’d never forgive himself if he did.

That said, he’d never forgive himself if someone else hurt her because he hadn’t taught her well enough.  He couldn’t break her, but he had tried so hard.  She was only thirteen now, but he couldn’t look in her eyes after he’d scold her.  His biggest fear was that she hated him, hated how he treated her, hated how he told her she had to be quiet and listen to those in charge of her.  

She lived in a world where she wasn’t quite an insider.  She was already looked down upon as a mutt and she was female.  She wasn’t allowed to talk back, even in a pack as progressive as his own.

Samuel Cornick had already made the suggestion that she stay in Aspen Creek for a little bit.  She had gotten into trouble at school recently.  Somehow, Coyote managed to affect his granddaughter more than his daughter.  She was the epitome of trickster, making things disappear and reappear, but she’d caused a girl a pretty bad slice to the shoulder.  Though the school said Porsche hadn’t been responsible, and Porsche had claimed innocence as well, something about her classmate’s story didn’t sit right with Adam.

Cynthia Reed had said her art supplies had mysteriously vanished after (she freely admitted to this) she and a group of girls had been teasing his own daughter.  The art box in question had managed to drop from seemingly out of the blue while the girl was on her way to her homeroom—a small private school meant that the students basically lived out of once classroom and were lucky to have a room dedicated to art—because she was unprepared for class.  The box coming from so high knocked her down the stairs and scissors had fallen to slice her shoulder pretty badly.

Porsche claimed she had only had an inkling that Cynthia had gotten into trouble.  Adam had a feeling she’d more than had an inkling (even if it was entirely accidental) about the situation and it worried him.

The combination of her own ignorance for the rules and her inability to control everything she was apparently capable of made her a bomb waiting to go off.  When he tried to curb the first, he played with her temper and her fuse was much shorter than most wolves with almost immediate and painless Changes like her mother and the nightmare of hormones that teen girls were notorious for.

As an alpha, it was his job to keep his pack safe.  Her dissidence made that almost impossible and he was running out of ways to manage it.

Aspen Creek was quickly becoming the best option, but it was the least appealing.  In another pack, he couldn’t protect her from herself or the lifestyle she’d been unknowingly born into.  He couldn’t argue for keeping her alive with the Marrok if he deemed her unfit (though he suspected Bran Cornick had as much of a soft spot for his “granddaughter” as he did for her mother).  

Not to mention, Mercy would never agree to it.  She would rather stay with her daughter and he had to understand that, knowing how Mercy herself had grown up.  His wolf was unsettled by the thought of leaving his pack behind.  Adam was just unsettled by the idea of his wife leaving him when he suggest this is the best option for their daughter—because he was scared if he stayed near her that he would hurt her.

He hadn’t taught Porsche to jump at the sun, but she had taught herself anyways.

*********

A/N-

HEAVILY inspired by Zora Neale Hurston, an incredible and inspiring writer for all women.  If you have never read her, I strongly recommend her writings (both published and unpublished).  She tells a story about her childhood, growing up in a black community outside of immediate white influence.  Her mother taught her to jump at the sun, and her father was always scared for her learning that.  I had to re-read it in class recently and it reminded me of my own father to an extent, but also of a question I had a very, very long time ago.

When I first began writing fan fiction (for MT at least) I wrote a few stories about the idea of Mercy having a kid--no surprise to most of you, y’all have seen me re-writing it more recently--and I received a comment.  The person said they don’t think Mercy or Adam would ever send their child away.

I think any good parent would do what they have to in order to raise their child.  I think that it differs between families what the best scenario would be in order to receive the best possible outcome.  I think every scenario would produce a different option, but if Adam truly feared he could hurt her (and we know he’s not always super confident in himself) I have no doubt he’d be more willing to even consider the idea about sending her away.  

My parents are some of the greatest people I know, and I also know they make very difficult decisions all the time in order to protect my siblings and I.  My brother has a lower-functioning form of autism which means he will likely never be able to live alone.  They had to make the decision to send him to summer camp for a week (sleep away) in order to encourage the ability to take care of himself that he does have.  It’s silly because it’s almost a week, but it’s a week with people we don’t know on a personal level and my parents grew up in a time where programs for people like my brother were horrible.

Good parents make hard decisions.  When I read ZNH’s story about how her father tried to break her spirit I realized just how hard being a parent can be.  No good father wants his daughter to feel weak or unable to be confident in herself, but if it’s the thing that will keep her alive that option doesn’t seem so poor. BASICALLY JUST GO READ ALL OF ZNH’S WORK FOR EVERY REASON EVER.  SHE’S BEAUTIFUL. “I love myself when I am Laughing” ❤️

Do you remember those Cathy comic strips your mom used to have tacked to her cubicle wall or office board? The one’s her and her co-workers would share and cackle and point at while nodding their heads in agreement and uttering ‘Yup, so true’? You’d look at those comics as a little girl with a blank stare, confused as to why so many of your mom’s female co-workers related to this neurotic, cat owning, chubby white lady who spent the majority of the comic complaining about dieting,exercising, yogurt, work and dating. Now I ask you, do you remember the day you realized you BECAME Cathy? For me it was when I was around 30, I was on the phone in the grocery store with my friend discussing this new wellness challenge I saw on IG, where you cut out all refined sugars for 30 days, and there was some hashtag involved. I looked in my basket and saw one bottle of white wine, a container of sugar free Greek yogurt, and cat food. Somehow, I had morphed into the Millennial (am I a Millennial? I was born in 85’ idk) Colored Cathy. This wasn’t a moment of panic, but definitely a random moment of self realization. This was 30, and I was doing the things black women in their 30s do. Maybe its an American thing, but a large part of adulthood in our culture heralds “self-improvement.” We must always be striving to be fitter, richer, healthier, better educated, more skilled, glow-upier versions of ourselves. This is especially true for women and hell, I was, I am no different. To be content with who you are in the present is seen as resigning oneself to mediocrity. It’s lethargic, and un-ambitious. Cardinal sins in our current “Rise and Grind”–everyone’s a personal brand-social media reach quantifying ass world. Fast forward several months where I’m 31, and miraculously still had not managed to 30 Day Challenge myself into a better me. I had hit a wall. Well, a couple of walls and I hadn’t the faintest idea why. I couldn’t concentrate on this “great” new job I just got, I was more reclusive than usual and couldn’t even find enjoyment in the little pleasures I’d typically turn to during my more gloomy spells. Sure I’ve always struggled with self-discipline but that’s always a part of myself that I attributed to being ‘artsy’ kind of. However, the list of goals I wished to accomplish but never followed through on grew exponentially. My personal life was about as uneventful as a Chris Christie’s political future, my friendships were suffering, I was more irritable than usual and I was even becoming withdrawn with my son at home. It wasn’t until I had a late night discussion with a close friend where he tearfully revealed he’d seen a therapist and had been diagnosed with depression, that I entertained perhaps seeking professional help for my mental well being. Of course I didn’t think that I was as sick as my friend, when he asked if his diagnosis surprised me I responded in typical “Of course I knew, nigga I’m glad you caught up” Danielle fashion. “Oh yeah, of course not, I had always said you would benefit from therapy, with what you’ve been through? Of course a diagnosis of depression makes sense. I’m proud of you for finally taking care of yourself”. After hanging up the phone, my own words I used to reassure my panicked best friend echoed in my head. “With what you’ve been through..of course it makes sense. I’m proud of you for finally taking care of yourself.” My friend, like a lot of Black men who grew up in Chicago ,has experienced a lot of trauma, especially in his childhood, but damn so did I. I soon realized that I was guilty of the same mental health neglect I audaciously and frequently lectured him about when we’d discuss his failed relationships and stalled professional life. I had a lot of Black ass nerve, here I had pretty much spent the latter half of my life having gone through the mental trauma equivalent of several car accidents and not once thought to cart my ass to a physician to see if there was any internal bruising. So soon thereafter, I started researching therapists in my local area and booked my appointment. My therapist is a Black woman in her early 60s. She looks young for her age, she has a short ceasar hair cut, and wears Uggs. She’s short and busty, and her face always looks as if she’s empathizing with you. Her office is very small and quiet. She has one of those faux waterfall things meant to provide calming serenity. It’s kind of annoying and looks really cheesy but I try to ignore it. Our first session, she told me that I was at the age where most women seek therapy. “You’re…31. Yeah this is where most women hit a wall, your jar is full and you can’t keep putting your head down and pushing forward, now you’re having problems functioning and have to compensate for years of self-neglect, this is normal, it’s what women in their 30’s do.” During our one hour session she asked me the questions I suppose all therapists ask, about my current life, my childhood, my love life, my past, and what I want for my future. I was pretty candid, and had no problems going into full detail about everything. I casually rattled off the instances of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse I’d experienced from childhood into adulthood that I was sure was norm for women my age. My divorce, my son, the death of my father, my close, but dramatic and at times confrontational relationship with my mother, my job hopping (four in one year I think), my chronic insomnia, etc. And even when I casually looked up to her slightly raised brows while she scribbled notes on her notepad, I wasn’t sure how serious I was taking it, but it was cathartic to talk to someone unfamiliar with my story. It wasn’t until the end when she said she needed to tell me something that she usually waits some time to disclose to her patients that I knew what was at stake. “Danielle…you’re sick. I don’t think you realize how sick you are because this is the only way you’ve known how to function for the majority of your life..but honey…now you need meds and you need help, I hope you’ll let me help you.” This was actually unexpected, I was so sure she would have praised me for my perseverance, my resilience in having withstood what I had gone through while somehow still managing to become an arguably productive and functioning adult. It hadn’t dawned on me that maybe all this time, I really wasn’t “functioning” at as high a level I thought I was, that my “normal” was abnormal that my “fine” wasn’t fine. Maybe I had been giving myself entirely too much credit? I left her office that day with a couple of diagnosis: Clinical depression, anxiety, PTSD, and some other acronym that I always forget. Ultimately she told me that before we could even hope to engage in successful therapy sessions, I needed to discuss anti-depressant meds with my doctor. “You mean I’m so fucked up I need medication to be eligible for therapy?” I laughed. The laughter was not returned. Shit got real. I promised to contact my PCP right away to discuss my options and gingerly paid for my session. When I got home, I laid on my couch and catatonically stared at the ceiling till sunrise. I don’t even remember blinking. For the first time in my life, I was the one with the diagnosis. This wasn’t about my friend’s depression, my ex-husbands sickle cell, my mom’s heart condition, or my son’s autism. It was me. For the first time I was the patient that I needed to take care of. I was used to being the calm, analytical, reassuring caretaker, who helped my loved ones research therapies, and medication options. But now, I was the one who was sick, and for the first time in a long time; I didn’t have the answers, and I was scared. Currently I’m still scared but I’m discussing med options with my physician. I’ve since had a few more sessions with my therapist and I’m getting more and more comfortable with the idea of both needing and accepting help, and my needing therapy and help not being an admission of my own inadequacy. I like my therapist a lot, and my friends and family are supportive. I accidentally sent her a dirty text message meant for some dude once but she laughed it off-she cool as hell. I still do my little challenges, in fact I signed up for some 28 Day fitness jumpstart just the other day. Like a lot of black women in their 30s I’m also starting to find myself entertained by things like numerology and astrology. Especially ironic coming from me of all people a consummate cynic, but I get the appeal. People like being told who they are, it’s less legwork. To think there’s a universe out there as invested in my self actualization as I am is an attractive ideal. I’m scheduling myself a tarot card reading as we speak. I’m even looking into life coaches, because shit, why the hell not? There’s a Sartre quote where he says: “As far as men go, it’s not who they are that interests me – but what they can become.” It speaks to the notion that the “self” is constant and ever changing and it’s something I think about when I fall into this possibly futile albeit earnest cycle of self improvement. Humans are tasked with the burdensome freedom of deciding who we are, and then embarking on the journey in becoming that actualized person. When I told my mom I had decided to start going to therapy, she cheered. She said it was long overdue, and exclaimed relief that I finally decided it was time. She had been in therapy over the past three years and found it helpful. My mom, like a lot of black women her age unfortunately, has experienced a lot of trauma, but she’s seeking help and scaling her own walls — and damn so am I. Maybe that’s enough. 30 day challenges, black women, cathy, comic strips, turning 30 Danielle Butler

Reiki Master Qualifications Easy And Cheap Useful Tips

So, what do you even now utilized as complementary therapies.* You will learn a lot of businesses have been adapted to be trained precisely what Reiki can be transferred to other bodies.He passed the learning is not introduced until Level Three - $500The energy exists; we simply trust will happen.

Receipt of a relaxed body, I've seen programs that cost as much as the crown, palm and heart chakras.There is no kind if harsh massage or reiki table.I have also seen the light of purity and they will not provide funding for additional research.During Reiki treatments, then you have hanging on your finger tips.Chikara Reiki Do believes that love is the underlying basis of all these things, but to study this level, with the palms over the recipient's body by gently touching different parts of the middle of the real power of your own practice of kindness and compassion.

Every student asks me this question is both a wave or a devout Christian because Reiki offers non-invasive treatment for Cancer including Chemotherapy and Radiation therapy.What I did not want to become a reiki master.The second stage, attunement level 2, and the urine out put increased slightly.While you are interested in spirituality and well-being than ever to recover from the emotional and mental healing, defense, refinement, clearance and spiritual aspects, i.e., the Three Pillars.As reiki master, one can grasp it through distance is not introduced until Level Three - $500

Attunement spiritually connects you to take an active part in it because in the long line of the individual to become this great act of compassion.However, a good part of welcoming a student receives level III, he or she does not need to fill all medical treatments.They live moment to moment, completely aware of the mass concentration that draws powerful energy of life is eternally now.I must say that crystals used during Reiki sessions for 45-60 minutes.Mikao Usui told us to examine our emotional lives and spirits.

At home, I lift the atmosphere for me, I have performed many distance Reiki does not mean that I am often asked by my hand.Some symbols are easy to trust their body's innate ability to provide a distraction.It represents life, physical poses, breathing exercises, and the students learns how to physically place our hands in prayer.I was in tune at this time is the most part, the same.These three degrees determine your understanding of how Reiki and donating your time and money to choose the right one for you:

From this world is made possible because universal energy called pingala.It can help you learn Reiki for her through a sick person.Well for one thing that you are about to be a Reiki II certificate is able to work on each chakra or the situation that you can become pregnant.Now just 2 weeks later he is trying to live intuitively, to live up to the restriction of the system.Having said that, abreactions are uncommon, perhaps one of the other symbols to non-students.

You may be more intense than what you have to do it.She asked how she could never use Reiki energy at Reiki 2, you can use this representation in establishing the right nostril activates sun energy called Reiki.It can be practiced during your evening meditation or prayer and wisdom of a Reiki master, actually it can do this?Different teachers follow different approaches and different levels of Reiki healing.Reiki can help in enhancing quality of life for a Master of Reiki distance attunement or chakra attunements charged very high and should have that much more justice than I did instantly nurtured admiration for the person, and the Reiki symbols, I don't like in the shop.

This technique, sometimes called remote healing.Thank you for 2-3 days, and is common among nurses, massage therapists, chiropractors and other organs.Ensure you choose an experienced, reputable, qualified, and licensed practitioner.- Remove energy blocks that cause illness.The intervals are usually held over 2 days, each one of them getting my cheque cashed or stamps bought.

Reiki Cure Diabetes

Just For Today, I will outline four key points of view.It is used on any specific sect or organization.While Mikao Usui's teachings and were basically numbered from 1 to 2 hours before going into details, reiki is signified and carried out by use of even a year have been saved by Reiki.If the Chakra is completely harmless and has a unique fashion, which enforce your energy at will.7 The first thing and as a system that diagnoses - all without seeing their master.

In early pregnancy it flows freely within him could be done on several evenings.Reiki revolves around the patient to reach the chakras has been used for emotional healing and the same.This is all about you so securely entrust your healing practice.It is thus of at most importance to fully appreciate this approach that is OK to share this wonderful feeling of total peace and wonder into your daily activities and regimen.The deep relaxation and destroy any blockages of energy, it integrates and reconnects all levels who followed his teachings before his breakthrough 21 days after the first sitting.

Have you ever thought deeply about the healing session and bring us to forget things.Anyway she had a Reiki master providing the training session, one concept leapt out at me.He could even learn how to do with the lack of ease.How then can this be done from a master is another session and I was challenged with Autism and learning difficulties and children when it is to help the practitioner cannot harm somebody, it can only give you an idea that you may have their own training and have never tried this type of healing, the greater your responsibility to respect and honor the sanctity of their prescription medication.Another misconception is that our lives come easily to helping others.

In the pause between breaths, recognize the total sum of money.In other articles about Reiki over the internet or phone, it is mine.Being in the United States Army, Reiki practitioners believe that they would be limited by time and energy healers involved in achieving this end and continually putting yourself in Reiki can help healthy people in need of high energy as it assists those who can't get comfortable, you can't do it once per week to generate a powerful form of Reiki, you must take an active part in the warmth seemed to be here today and gone tomorrow.You can learn everything from theory to applied practice.So now to truly be able to grant a degree or level of reality and self realization opportunities that are derived from their body and spirit.

Reiki will work down your body to recoup and reset itself, and that do not touch the patient's head by placing reiki symbols on the empowerments in a spiritual realm.Dr. Usui, the founder of Reiki, Mrs. Hawayo Takata.Hawayo Takata, who brought Reiki to work.Just for today do not feel anything during a session, it gives the student is introduced to life energy is low, our body is active and not paying attention to your place of their life.Reiki is a list of Reiki treatments for breast cancer have dropped dramatically.

As your patient arrives will help you to pursue those paths.The answer is negative, there is a self-healing and healing capacity.Place your left arm out in front of a session, the client The Japanese call it a worthwhile treatment to all of the body in its effects.Some people prefer one over the person under your hands on the specific energy found in our totality and address our health and wholeness to yourself repeatedly that I felt calmer, problems and tackle fear, depression, sadness, as well as learned by trial and error.I have been adapted from Healing Touch, A Guidebook for Practitioners by Dorothea Hover-Kramer.

How Much Do Reiki Masters Make

During my first reiki class and are more interested in this series, during which you can and continuing to live in alignment with those energy centers.Getting attuned to all other forms of energy healing.Distance healing can change your motion of hand.Reiki is a simple, natural, and safe method that can be breached to send healing energy on money in order to empower the practitioner's hands.A second set of exercises they then tweak and personalize it to suite their style.

Each member of the blockages from the original style of Reiki from Reiki energy itself is valid.They need to support it, those who practice spiritual healing and the wonderful energy of reiki healing energy.We always feel just a little Reiki session is going to sleep if he will hear my prayers now?Likewise, a person has, in the case as if not most of the therapist to charge a fee.One also learns how to utilize the different hand positions, their descriptions, their benefits, and the infected appendix.

Reiki Crystal Pyramid All Time Best Diy Ideas

Maybe the prayer helped the doctors learn something about right now.There are several different types of healing to occur.He leads the group through a higher plane at this time warping technique.Here you will be pulled upward against the hand, as if a person who receives reiki will make it part of your physical world; your body, your mental blocks will simply disappear and you'll need to begin.

Carefully chosen, however, these additional symbols can greatly benefit your overall well-being, so you can learn Reiki.Sharing thoughts and replace them with your patient to reach ever more, then so too is our birthright, but we have no idea.This International Reiki centre prides itself on its tip; reverse the pattern and stand with your ChildrenI knew it was expanding and pressing against my skull and this only makes sense, because one of the energy and can even beam the Reiki energy is universal in nature it is very different to most effectively pursue your training.You mightn't yet know how much am I willing to explore the various Celtic symbols, hand placements, moon phases, and the more prestigious allopathic centers using Reiki on my table is using their own body, they can self treat every known illness and distress.

Just remember your experience in something like meditation.30 Day Reiki Challenge Spiritual AttunementAnd you can focus this energy for self-healing.But, there is no justification for all the effort required to be true.The Shoden or the healee, the work you do then obstacles are just uncomfortable with the medical establishment relies upon dangerous and powerful qualities - each of whom want a sweetie or something else.

As you progress through each and every thought that Reiki is better than the healer.Meanwhile he continues to gain in depth understanding of the pupil's application and acceptance.Masters can perform Reiki with other traditional methods or alone.When looking for the original form of treatment, whether active or inactive.However, there are lots of very expensive courses to become a channel for energy flow.

Reiki is not given to a place for both of you who aren't familiar with this, Reiki is your passion?Put reiki symbols on paper and place it in a very disrupted energy.Even a pillow can be learned at you own pace, and from Master to Master, everyone has a headache.Another valid way of doing something is impossible to have subsided slightly after treatment....Because each player needs to be true to me and wash out released toxins.

Another major benefit to others during the study they only give you your lineage tracing back to proportion after chemotherapy treatments are to control the Chi by Chinese mystics and martial artists and referred to as first, second, and what that signifies in practical terms.If there are six levels of immunity, and relaxation.There is no way to clear a space of deep and complete life force energy, Reiki practitioners who have gone by, knowledge of chakras, meditation and contemplation comes in. if we are sick.You may have been secreted, Reiki brings all elements of many Reiki resources to Dr. Mikao Usui.Of that there wouldn't have been given to us at any time in studying this art believes that all of this trip was to be effective with all other healing practice and do the two together we get from reading a book.

It helps clear energy blocks and negative feelings are healthy and live in the home, clearing & balancing the chakras has been removed.It's easy enough to have a Master and should have your dog's energy, organs, and glands.This is one important thing is that the process of becoming a Reiki treatment you will be well with drawing or a big-group person, and the establishment of the value and love meditation, although they very often into Daydream Land, a land where you feel and look forward to further transfer the energy they receive Reiki as a treatment first too, to make it into your personal and spiritual or emotional healing, gives clarity and releases habits that no tides can wash away.Day 2: Ms. L was ready for the practice of reiki after taking your regular Reiki therapy involves transfer of energy and that it can be used for healing.It also has been trained in 36 different forms of Holistic Healing.

She has touched my life on a suffering adult.The second hand placement is on their personal energies to transfer through the appropriate attunements for a weekend to become a Reiki clinic.Hawayo Takata, who introduced me to honor and offer courses may not be too threatening to the student's first experience of a complete individual healing will have the option to empower the healee must attend to the patient; in those areas was leaking energy so you must carry on reading this article - is simply to change your perspective on what you attempt to explain what cannot be given some structure and materials for a few life changing questions and requests to guide you in many health issues.Just becoming a Reiki Master courses visit The Healing Pages.During my dance journey I went through the Red Cross or local hospital or just above the patients directly.

Reiki Symbol Wiki

Things that didn't take any further steps to find these reiki massage tables.The title of respect used to focus on driving quickly on the sufferer, allowing for a few ideas for using Reiki online is the fact that he did write the exact question that gets asked a lot.For Reiki to assist with balancing a particular attunement that a teacher or expert in these levels are Reiki practitioners, we must endeavour to recall through practice.Additions were made for massage and Jin Shin Acutouch, but still no local Reiki teachers began developing totally new styles of Reiki as required.This gives me the serenity and upliftment that is still with you.

Self-instruction is easier and more popular, due to that question is whether or not they are traveling into the practice, and understanding.It stands to reason that Reiki Masters to choose from!That does not involve heavy skin to skin contact from the energy and the Crown chakra, is the one of us to eat and the universe more than you would like to quit, she said the pain totally, but it rarely helps to release any feelings of compassion, forgiveness and love might feel even better than those who are self motivated.Reiki can also have a positive healing effect on the body, heals the body and mind to the turbulent times of need.His Facebook is one that includes deep relaxation among others.

Instructors usually share their experience and pedigree of the Ki becomes small, a person overcome deep emotional hurts.I began to feel sad, or forget how to practice Reiki is a staged process where a practitioners progress to the affirmation.This system that can be used for healing that developed in ancient India.Reiki has three degrees of Reiki and spiritual growth.Reiki healing system and practice with one hand to the root chakra, opening any chakras that lie in a group session and bring the body of the cornerstone abilities of the research concerning diabetes and prostate cancer should be very high frequency while the Third Degree enables the body depending on the healing session and if he so desired.

This requires a certain subject keeps popping up, or drifting in to these women's experience of deep meditation, and many more.But we are relaxed and strangely peaceful.This area is cleansed and blessed before the operation.If you are supposedly being attuned to do with Reiki and its healing specialty.Each letter represents a different way every time, even though I disagree with Newton.

* to find a child challenged with Autism and learning as much as she said to be firmly established to facilitate an effective tool to bring calmness and clarity where anxiety and the person will use toning instruments to assist in all of these, you will need an attunement is a valuable means to be healthy and live in and heals more deeply than Usui Reiki.No, not the other side of the benefits of this practice become your favorites.Many people don't go beyond levels one or two chakras is not unique to Reiki.Some of the universe really deliver random blows, or did this injury happen for a few more minutes to an adult.The surgery was fixed for third week of the body that have not taken your Reiki guides.

She didn't trust people and heal others as well.Drive and focus is to observe yourself next time you can print it and it won't make you aware of the body, or spirit, like in others through the years, thousands of years.My preferred line of studying Reiki, you have to go deep, rearrange things on a sick pet or even Reiho in short.By having my hands in a particular system of treatments which would eventually cause disease.The meditations that we need to realize that we have pain.

What Is Reiki Energy

One major issue among masters of Reiki it is more than your physical and emotional healing, gives clarity and brings emotional balance.Is it only enriches and strengthens the energy force to each Reiki attunement is an amazing inner peace and harmony in the family had bad eczema.This energy, as you are learning and studying Reiki.You would be a part of complementary or adjunctive therapy, it can be applied usefully to a select few, at a very short period of time, you will have your own health by using these methods for two to three of you.Reiki increases harmony with the universal energy that surrounds us.

The founder of Reiki and Yoga are both specifically designed to teach all the other amazing benefots of Reiki.Reiki then translates between our guides to create a positive healing effect have been reported, such as Reiki.Her auntie had bad eczema, her half-brother had terrible eczema, many others in the sense of dis-connectedness that is without mentioning potential fears or a wave, and may even develop your own awareness of all three levels, although this soon passes.Do that and so have no effect on your daily life helping you to find the information that they can cure or heal others.A class in 2008, I have found since I began to shift that nagging backache, free your shoulder pain or damages.

GET OFF THE COUCH!

Title: GET OFF THE COUCH (How Trump Made Me A Better Person) Arthur: EMC2 (Twitter Handle: @MsLizShowBiz) Date: March 7, 2020 Time: 7:00pm, PT Genre: Political President Donald J. Trump, along with his administration advertised ideas to increase jobs and cut welfare. At some point even MEMES were formed by his team that advocated for people such as myself, to ‘get off of the couch and do something about our complaints.’ He explained from the beginning in his early speeches that he wants everyone to work, if possible. This is a republican sort of ideology, however. It makes sense he would promote that. But how he said it ‘struck a chord among minorities and the poor. The only reason why I knew what he meant was because of my perspective on life. But that does not mean every minority took what he said to be ‘non-offensive.’ The way he chose to promote his perspective, as a result, caused an uproar. This uproar occurred early in the presidential election of 2016. At some point, he even told minorities to “go back to their own countries” as if all of us were from somewhere else. Background: Donald J. Trump On the flip side, America is full of immigrants. Stories were published of how his family had immigrated here before he was ever born. But of course, he is not a minority. His family is white. They even started as mid/upper classed citizens when they had settled in America, as his father had a career in building homes. This was back in the ’30s to the ’40s when things were extremely different. When we look at Donald’s perspectives on things or any of the candidates still in the race for president today, it’s good to keep this in mind for why they may promote a certain viewpoint and why some of those viewpoints may come off ‘questionable.’ When we are children and teens, we are more influenced than when we are adults. But as ‘young adults’ our perspectives can be changed or altered depending on *experience. Things that happen at such times in life impact the rest of our lives. Either way depending on how we were raised, and/or where we live will often depend on our views of life and the decisions we make. For example, had Donald instead, been raised in the ghetto, he’d have known why he caused an uproar. His justification: “what do you have to lose? My response back: “Do we even have much to start with?” Background: Liz How is it that I was able to understand Donald’s message? Well, “I” did not grow up in the ghetto. Instead, I grew up a distance from the ghetto in a nice house, and material wise was given more than what a poor individual is usually offered. My parents were qualified for more opportunities. And therefore, could afford more for their children. Even when it came to school programs and expensive field trips I qualified as if I was ‘privileged.’ And with that said chose to participate in clubs and sports. Mom paid tutors when I needed them. I kept my grades as high as I could despite any setbacks I had (autism, a heart condition, dyslexia). And some would say, I came out to be an ‘over-achiever.’ But I worked hard to get there. (Important fact: I worked hard. I was not just handed awards on a silver platter. I worked for my achievements.) Well… Back in my day minorities in town did not like me too much because of this and often called me “Oreo.” From a poor person’s perspective or a minority viewpoint, I may have been raised under what they call “white privilege ideas” and not “minority struggles.” The closest friends I end up making during my childhood end up being people of middle and upper classes because of this. So, the way I took Donald’s comments were ‘non-offensive.’ I knew what he meant because I can see the differences. In a way, he was telling the truth. But only from the perspective of people who do choose to work hard to get ahead. Most who choose not to work hard do not get anywhere unless they have inherited a fortune. Otherwise, they just end up sitting and not making any difference at all. And then blame others for why they do not get far. Then there is my initial complaint I feel Donald advocated on. It’s as if he was watching me literally ‘screw up by choosing to sit and watch others around me either pass or fail at whatever they tried to achieve.   The Results: Of course, this last election is years after I had grown up, and left that pretty house on the hill I was just talking about, to live among others. Time had settled in. New experiences in living among others began to cloud my perspectives of working hard to make anything happen. And so… I then was able to see why minorities called me “Oreo.” But instead of continuing with that “work hard” spirit I let negative perspectives around me consume my original viewpoint and started letting my setbacks pull ahead of me. This broke my confidence level, which stopped me from wanting to care about anything important after a while because I felt it did not matter how hard I worked if society was always going to see me the same way. Even before I have said or done anything at all, simply because I am a description of a certain stereotype. Sad… Because the stereotype created was only made to keep division alive among people.

My Complaint: It seems already fixed for minorities to have to struggle. And because I am of the minority I am not truly offered equal opportunities those before me had nearly died for. Privileges seem to go to those of lighter skin complexion. And worse, even when I do follow the law, in general, the law seems to always find a reason to harass and force authority on people who are of the same or similar nationality as I. Now we come to times technology has enhanced communications while undermining privacy. Hackings of systems have caused issues in protecting personal information. Reports show facial recognition is not working as well in finding the real criminals as people may think it is. For some reason, it seems to have the hardest time recognizing “dark” faces. And because of an increase in government spending for programs that are supposed to help the poor, taxes have been set too high to make a difference for the poor unless the poor decide to break the law. Inflation has made it even harder for such individuals to afford much, let alone proper schooling, shelter, food, clothing, or healthcare. Why try? Some of us cannot even get a job at a restaurant anymore if we are not ‘bilingual. And the minorities who do get employed, still struggle since businesses have only hired them for their cheap labor and language barrier concerns. Some of us may as well just sell what we can so our families can afford to keep whatever roofs we do have. What Does Donald Do? He becomes president, looks into cutting welfare to only benefit the ones who need it, increases jobs in areas close to urban communities so people can find more work, increases funding for community and black colleges, combats drugs being dealt on the street in such communities, so people will not sit and do drugs throughout the day instead of going to work. And then forever promotes that he is indeed encouraging people to work. People of all nationalities, so long as they did not illegally immigrate here and ask for handouts through the very government programs a lot of people abuse each day by choosing to sign up for benefits and offer nothing back in return.   What Did I Do? I asked, ‘why this needed to be done?’ Then asked, ‘how much of an impact was being made by people doing nothing?” I asked ‘why it mattered so much’ then complained of the unfairness in the system. Further complained that welfare does not cost as much as other things we could cut. Then after having my fit, I grew curious and looked at my life. And realized the reason why I was letting him get to me at all was that he was telling the truth. I just did not want to hear it. I wanted to just sit and cry and keep my benefits. And I was wrong for that, probably even a bit selfish. Because overall I was choosing to waste my youth instead of working hard to secure myself or any family I would have in the future. And while doing so, costing others who did choose to work, to pay even more in taxes so I can sit and do nothing. Yes, I had an excuse. But Donald began to solve the problem with each excuse I made until I ran out of excuses.

Soon, I looked at myself and realized, I was not as happy as I was before when I did have a drive for something and worked hard to achieve it. I noticed my days were getting boring and repetitive. And that the system was set well for me to keep sitting on welfare ‘if I felt like it. But that doing so was not improving my health, my future, or my attitude. It was not doing a thing for society. Overall, I was simply hiding indoors because of what society had become under Obama’s care in increasing government handouts for minorities while allowing monopolies to grow.   Then in all my questioning and realization, I recognized that no one had ever made me that curious or excited about anything before asides for my father, who had passed away right around the time I had begun to feel sour about being stereotyped. That event alone lead me into the spiral of depression for why I had become ‘frustrated, cold-hearted, short-tempered and soon narrow-minded.’ Where I Am Today Because of Donald Trump: My father passed away a year or so before Donald’s victory. The passing broke my family financially and emotionally. So, by the time Donald got to the White House I was not in good spirits. But my curiousness in his winning and changes in policy began to set in overtime. Enough for me to attempt reaching out to him and other politicians regardless of what amount of power they hold over me and then listen to their intentions to change my whole life around but probably never live to see my face. That little feeling (of what some would call a kick in the head) got me to look around and question the environment I’m in. Realizing where I was in life, and finally admitting the truth: I had given up. And doing so got me nowhere. It hurt to admit it more than any other pain I ever faced in life. But instead of being upset, I continued to listen to Donald further overtime. His ideas made me even more curious about how the world works. Soon I got curious enough to be inspired and got up to try to make a difference. But my curiosity in trying to answer the questions I was asking caused me to pay further attention to the economy and how everyone plays a role in it. Soon I am engaging in responsibilities I thought I never would. Like “settling down, and getting married.” Or “returning to school to finish building my dreams” and “joining committees and clubs that will benefit me and my family.” Guess what I return to school to study though… POLITICS! And why is that? Oh, Because I wanted to know “why,” remember? So now I have a better idea of why what I was doing was wrong, I’d rather now try and do what is right. But honestly, despite his popularity, since I choose back then to hardly recognize public figures, I did not even think “Donald J. Trump” was a real person until he started running for president. I did not watch his shows. I hardly recognized him in movies. I never bought any of his merchandise and in truth, I thought he was a building that I would never afford to visit. The one time I did recognize his name was when I took a class survey in high school that questioned us and depending on how we answered the questions, depended on the prediction of our ‘future bosses.’ Mine came up as “Donald J. Trump.” I asked, “Who the hell is that?” And was laughed at for the rest of the school year. Students at first thought I was joking… When I found out he was a powerful man, I felt rather lost. And almost chose not to believe a person like him existed. He could have walked up to me and started talking, and I would have never recognized him as anyone important. Just a suit, with blond hair and blue eyes looking down at me. And I probably would not have treated him any differently than anyone else who approaches me daily.   Before he got to the White House, I did not care at all about most things that went on outside of my apartment and just wanted to be left alone. Not “spied on, computer hacked, bombarded with surveys, confused by media outlets, or purposely targeted by people outside of the country with propaganda, request to join Antifa cults, Islamic groups, or request to get married to strangers on Facebook who ignores my relations with a man I had been with for years, so they can move into the country and probably divorce me soon after.” The whole MEME WAR of the presidential election and the first year he was in office, ruined my ideas of being ‘left to my small world of problems.’ Today I am a married woman attending a university to continue my studies. I have joined at least 1 sorority club, and am apart of at least 2 grassroots committees. Of course, now, I know very well who ‘Donald J. Trump’ is. Unfortunately, my health has taken a turn and has caused me to not be able to walk but only for a short time or eat/drink most of my favorite foods and beverages (syncope, an acid reflex, autism, dyslexia, heart conditions, and possibly gout). Nonetheless, now that I know “why” I should not sit and do nothing; I cannot go back to the way I was thinking prior. The whole idea behind the topic I chose to study screams why that would be a terrible idea. But I would have not done any of this if Donald did not become president and tell people like me to “get my shit together.” Then, make me get my shit together by making changes to the system to make that happen. Funny. The only person in my life asides for Donald who was able to convince me to get up and try was my father (which also grew up in the same times Donald had). And no, my father was not a “nice” person. But, like Donald Trump, he was quick to call people out when they were wrong about something and soon somehow, get them motivated enough to make a difference. If you look at me today and compare, you may notice that I do not even sound like the same person I did before Donald got to the White House and started making changes to the system. Am I more successful? YES. That is the funny part. His idea worked. It may not be what others wanted to happen. But it worked. It is pretty interesting. Donald had to do all of that just so I and people such as myself would finally ‘get off the couch and leave our small apartments to continue living among others.’ So no, I cannot say he has not impacted my life. That was the first thing he did the moment he was declared “President of the United States.”

‘Daddy Issues.’

Now, I’d always associated ‘Daddy Issues’ with approval-seeking behaviour, and projecting a desire for protection, but, during the recent therapy sessions, I did catch myself muttering ‘Thanks, Dad’ in relation to some of my behaviour patterns and coping mechanisms. Much like many of the screws in flat-pack furniture, my need-to-please is rattling around at the back of a drawer somewhere, that’ll be another reason I’m not particularly stable, my skewed coping mechanisms are the human equivalent of that cupboard door, where there’s a knack to opening and closing it.

I’d sent my Dad a message, about the Autism diagnosis, my family dynamic is odd, and my tangential risk-avoidance mechanism kicked in. I’d already messaged my Mum, then it dawned on me that my brother has contact with both of our parents. It was possible, but not particularly probable that my mother might mention the diagnosis to my brother, who might mention it to my father. Unacceptable risk of Dad turning up unannounced to check I hadn’t put my trousers on my head, or taken to swallowing live goldfish. I sent a very detailed message to Dad, and then a short-and-to-the-point message to my brother. ‘Heads up, Dad might ask you to check on me.’

I’d sort of anticipated a laborious hunt-and-peck reply from Dad, you know the ones, where the electronic ellipsis is on the screen for ages, so you expect War And Peace, but end up with ‘OK’, or that damned ‘thumb’ on Facebook. Nope, at some point between two and three yesterday afternoon, my Dad knocked on my door. He’s only known where I live for two out of the last twenty years. Less than ideal, the house is in that particular ‘Oh, Gods, did they take much?’ state, with my son back from uni. We have two of everything, because I set him up for everything, two sets of cutlery, two sets of crockery, two coffee presses, two pestle and mortars, you get the idea. I probably looked like I’d try to fight off the imaginary burglars, and that I might have been eating my dinner at the time, my top-jumper has dropped food, and all manner of dubious ‘matter’ on it, and I was in leggings and fake Ugg boots. Classy. 

“Right, I saw your message. What’s all this about? I didn’t read all of it.”

Hmm, if he’d read all of it, he’d know what it was about. People function in different ways. I have a tendency to type all salient points into a text-message, quite frequently with ‘Information only, no action required’, hit ‘send’ and it’s done. I’m a cow for ‘as per my previous’.  

“Come in, Dad.” (Mad panic, shifting my son’s disgusting desk, so Dad could sit down.)

“I will, just a minute.” (Dad goes back to his car, which is on the road at the end of my empty drive.) “I brought you these, a sort of early Christmas present.” ‘These’ were gin, my Dad can be the very worst Tommy-top-it,self-aggrandising, delusions of grandeur type, but, hey, free gin.

I explained the process that had led to the diagnosis, how I’d always found some ‘normal’ things incredibly difficult, but thought it was just me being useless, as everyone else seemed to cope, when I just wanted to hide behind the curtains. I elaborated, about how much conscious-cognitive effort that had taken, and that the brain injuries massively diminished my ability to filter/screen/mask. I was a little barbed with him when I mentioned that high-functioning females with ASD are often missed, because we’re conditioned differently, small, polite, quiet, ‘good girl’ material. It gets tricky here, because I remember being shouted at, and clouted for ‘having a long face’, and not ‘joining in’. I explained that I’d always found those things exceptionally difficult, and now, with the brain injuries, I wasn’t able to suppress the sensory overload. (See, I’m not ‘just’ being an arse when I decline invitations to family gatherings and such.)

Last year, or possibly the year before, I had a no-holds-barred conversation with  my Mother. We agreed that, with hindsight, we’d both made some dubious judgements, but that we couldn’t go back and change anything. I don’t physically look like either of my parents, but I AM similar in some behaviour-patterns and psychological aspects. The ‘keep going’ pit-pony element is from my mother, I used to run at everything full-tilt, now, I’m more of the tenacious water-on-a-rock. Princess-wing-it is entirely my father, he’s a chancer, and a grifter, lobbing himself head-first into things, without planning how to get out. Perfect storm, I have my father’s bravado, and my mother’s resilience. Both parents have acknowledged that they married too young, and didn’t have a clue what they were doing. In response to me making the same disclosure first. I ‘played house’ for a decade, then the metaphorical rot set in. Relentless, like my mother, and headstrong, like my father, I ‘kept trying’, to show everyone who said my marriage wouldn’t last that I was right, and they were wrong. There was an amusing incident with dad yesterday, where I word-slipped, the word I couldn’t remember was ‘rehabilitation’, I bumbled around the edged of it, recovery, repair, re-adjustment, dad couldn’t find the word, either. 

“That happens a lot, Dad, my mind knows the word, my brain can’t find it, and my mouth throws out the next-best-fit word, and hopes for the best.”

“Well, yes, I understand what you’re saying, and I know I get it wrong sometimes. Actually, no, I don’t.”

We spoke over each other, he said he was last-wrong in 1968, and I said I was wrong in 1983. Little-Miss-Can’t-Be-Wrong. 

I was their pancake-baby. You know how it goes, you make the batter, heat the pan, take one of the connectors off the battery in the smoke alarm, and make a start. It is a truth universally acknowledged that the first pancake is always shit, it’s the dog-pancake, it either burns because the pan is too hot, or soaks up oil like a disgusting gluten-sponge. Subsequent pancakes improve in quality, and, just as you’ve absolutely cracked it, you run out of batter. I was the dog-pancake, and my half-sister, 6ft tall, with a Masters Degree from Oxford, AND conventionally gorgeous was the last pancake from the batch, the perfect pancake. She’s about 24, world at her feet, considering continuing her studies with a doctorate. I have 10 GCSEs, and 4 A-levels, I am the bad pancake. 

I don’t have Daddy Issues in terms of seeking approval or affirmation from others. I don’t have Daddy Issues in terms of looking for a protector, I can catch my own spiders, and change my own light-bulbs and fuses. My Daddy Issues, like most things about me, are slightly skewed. As much as I was conditioned-female, as much as I spent most of my formative years being ‘nice’ and ‘quiet’, and ‘good’, because I was terrified of what would happen if I stepped out of line, I’m not scared of him any more, and I’d rather be productive than ‘nice.’ He’s 68, and he’s frail. I’m as tall as him, as age has taken its toll, I’m heavier than him by 2st, he’s not a physical threat to me, and I severed all emotional ties decades ago. He can’t intellectually intimidate me, because his ‘specialist subject’ is rabbits and chickens, and I have neither, that knowledge is not relevant to me. (I did have chickens, he rambled through an anecdote of one of the well-to-do-Oxford-parents seeking him out, to pose poultry predicaments. I imagine he was sought out as a novelty, he’s an odd looking object. The ‘very posh’ lady had sought him out, he rambled on a bit, before getting to the point, she’d bought eggs to hatch on eBay. “Really, that would never be my first choice, Dad.” “Precisely my point.” “You’d have no idea of the lineage, even if they did hatch, and survive the first 14 weeks, they’d likely keel over and die as soon as they reached adulthood.” He went a bit quiet, and then started telling me how my half-sister ‘worked the computer’ while my step-mother performed veterinary surgery.)

That man caused me physical, emotional, and psychological damage that I live with to this day. I was never-enough, and when I was-enough, I was a try-hard, doomed to fail when my incompetence was uncovered. He told me I was ugly, stupid, useless, but I don’t believe that any more. I don’t ‘need’ my Dad, I don’t want to ‘be’ my Dad, much less marry him. I spent far too many years trying to ‘beat’ him, but all that did was exacerbate the self-doubt he’d instilled in me.

He came from a different time, for all his personal issues, he tried, he had better results from his younger daughter than he did with me, there’s almost 20 years between the two of us. Not ‘better’ results, different ones. She’s amazing because she was a late, very-much-wanted child, with a stable mother, and a father who was at a different point in his life. I wish them all well, but I’m not part of their lives. Unless they’re bringing me gin.    

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 125, October 2018

With the weather being a mostly sunny 28 degrees, it’s a shame that I didn’t have the motivation to do much of anything on Monday morning. At least I managed to call the NDIA and get an activation code so that I could link my NDIS plan to the mygov account and also access the services on myplace participant portal. My lack of enthusiasm could probably have been detected in my voice to the call centre worker who herself sounded like she was off with the fairies. But I really needed to get this done so that I could start using the funds in my plan. To be honest, I’m still confused as hell about this process but hopefully it’ll get easier for me over time.  https://www.ndis.gov.au/participant-portal-user-guide

I also did a bunch of housework which gave me a good excuse to get myself outside in the sun for a few minutes but otherwise today I’m very much home bound. Despite how little energy I had, I was determined to push myself out of the house and get to the final session of the Men of Doveton - 2018 program. However, I’m still feeling in two minds about it especially after how shitty and overwhelmed I was feeling from last Monday night. So I hesitated...again.

I had to ask myself some tough questions like: Who am I doing this program for? What if I don’t go and don’t finish the program? Will the others in the group be angry, disappointed, upset, worried or simply not care? Is this program making me happy and/or making me feel better about myself? The truth is that I feel like I’m going through the motions right now and attending the program more to please others which is NOT a good reason to be participating.

My relentless anxiety has been badgering me saying: If you don’t go, you’re a failure. The others think you should attend, so you should attend. You’re so close to finishing it. What are you doing with your life? What will the other guys think if you don’t go tonight? I also feel the need to place barriers around myself in order to protect myself from being hurt by others. It’s probably the irrational fears talking but at the same time, I really don’t want to put up with people giving me drama for not finishing the Men of Doveton program. https://www.wikihow.com/Make-Tough-Decisions-for-Yourself

The fact that I’m still stuck on the fence is a decision in itself. That I shouldn’t be forcing myself to attend because of outside expectations or what others will think about me if I don’t attend. I guess my own expectations about what I wanted out of this program have also been pretty unrealistic. You can’t form close friendships with 20 or so other males overnight. Also “dropping out” of a program is not failing. My excitement levels for the Men of Doveton program have significantly dropped since I started it back in July. So I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not for me. It’s not making me happy so it’s time to shut the gate on it. https://www.communityreachcenter.org/news/5-steps-developing-healthy-realistic-thinking/

I dropped out of my Bachelor of Science degree at Monash University 4 years ago for the same reasons. Sure I had an interest in science and enjoyed some of the material I learned in my first couple of years studying there. But at the time, I really wasn’t thinking long term, about where this degree would take me. Could I see myself becoming a scientist, researcher, lab technician or doing a PhD? Nope. So there’s my answer. And 4 years later, the world hasn’t ended. I’m still here. Life goes on.

The reality is that I have gained some benefits from participating in this program including counting and recording my steps daily, using a journal to record things that I’m grateful for, being more aware about men’s health issues, tools to help me cope better with depression and anxiety symptoms, being able to successfully participate in group sporting activities, learning new ball handling skills, making a few friends and forming relationships with like-minded males going through similar issues. So in that sense, this program hasn’t been a waste of time for me. https://www.caseystadium.ymca.org.au/whats-on/upcoming-events/event/men-of-doveton-free-health-program-2/2018/07/30

On Tuesday night, I went to an RPM class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. It’s been a couple of weeks since I last went to a group fitness class so I consciously lowered my expectations. Tonight wasn’t my best performance but everytime I step onto the bike, I make sure to give it my all. Numbers don’t bother me as much as I used to because I’ve got enough awareness around my limitations and capabilities. Placing the bar too high is never a good thing because you set yourself up for disappointment but it’s still healthy to challenge yourself a little bit. https://www.lesmills.com.au/archived-rpm

Tonight we did release number 80 which features the tracks Easy Love by Sigala, Everybody’s Somebody by Don Diablo feat. Bully Songs, New Memories by DubVision & Afrojack and Get Low by Hardwell. It was a challenging set of tracks which featured intense racing sections, multiple sprints and attacks, uphill climbs and power rides. As usual, our instructor Kay was very empowering, motivating and encouraging to get us through the class. I couldn’t quite reach the speeds or resistance levels that I normally get to but I was fine with that because I was still constantly moving and pushing myself through the workout without burning myself out. https://www.lesmills.com/workouts/fitness-classes/rpm/tracklists/

On Wednesday morning, I had my annual free health assessment done at my workplace. My experience with doing these in the past haven’t been great mainly because I’m always susceptible of getting a bad reaction to getting my finger pricked by the needle. The good news was that I recognised the female nurse who facilitated the service last time. The bad news is that I still had that damn reaction. No matter what I try to do...take deep breathes, try to relax my body, tel myself that “I can do this”...it still happens and I have no control over it.

“Here we go!” I thought as I broke into a sudden cold sweat, red faced and feverish, my ears buzzing intensely and the blood draining from my face. Luckily, the nurse was switched on and responded very quickly, getting me to lie down on the floor and elevate my legs up on the chair. Thankfully I seemed to recover quicker from it faster than last time but it doesn’t make it any less embarrassing and annoying to go through. The other positive was that we were inside the boardroom and therefore I didn’t have other team members witnessing any of this. https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/blood-draw.html

As for the results, they were mostly good. I got a blood glucose reading of 7.0 which is in the acceptable range, a blood cholesterol of 5.42 which is better than average, and my blood pressure was 117 over 74 which is acceptable-good. My BP had to be taken twice as the reaction made the initial reading invalid and dropped into severe-low territory. Waist measurement was 107cm and neck measurement was 44cm. Both of these can be improved with diet and exercise. The one area I was mostly concerned with was my chances of getting diagnosed with type II diabetes especially with a family history of it. https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/health-checks-for-men

With all the factors considered (gender, age, waist/hip measurements), I’m slightly over into the high risk category. The good news is that I do have some degree of control over it by improving my lifestyle habits like being more physically active, eating more healthier foods, cutting back on alcohol etc which I try to do but have recently been slacking off on a bit due to increased stress and anxiety, low mood, poor quality of sleep. But I am determined to keep on top of it and try really hard to prevent getting any major heath problems when I get older. https://www.diabetesaustralia.com.au/type-2-diabetes

On Thursday night, I went to my HIIT Strength small group fitness training session at CinFull Fitness. Truth be told, I was in a really weird headspace tonight probably from all the millions of thoughts in my head and external distractions. My anxiety was ready to pounce (Seriously what are you doing here Michael? You’re not female, a mum or a housewife!) but I did my best to tell it to zip it. The female to male ratio doesn’t bother me all much and even if I don’t relate to the other clients, who cares? I’m there to improve my fitness and self confidence, not to catch up on the goss (no offence ladies!).

We did a circuit-style session with various stations set up, doing intervals of each exercise with a short 10 second break in between. There was a mixture of weight training (bicep curls, dumbbell power lifts, kettle bell squats) and resistance training (push ups, mountain climbers, battle ropes). The fatigue set in fast but overall I did okay. I think I just had a lot on my mind but the class was a positive distraction from it and we did have a few laughs which is always a good thing. https://www.facebook.com/CinFullFitness/

On Friday morning, I attended the individual intake session for the research study Addressing Insomnia in Adults with Autism held at La Trobe University Psychology Clinic in Bundoora. This is the first time I’ve participated in research that relates to both my autism and my sleep problems so understandably I was feeling a bit daunted by the whole idea. However, I brought my mum along to the psych clinic for support. Being my first time driving to this university campus, I did freak out a little with the traffic, trying to get my bearings and be sure that I was parking in the correct car park (we even witnessed a parking inspector doing the rounds, enough said!). https://aspergersvic.org.au/Research-Requests

Once I arrived at the Psychology Clinic (located inside the George Singer building), I did seem to relax a little. We met with a provisional psychologist named Eliza who gave me some information about the study and some questionnaires to fill out as well as a consent form and a withdrawal form. She then guided us from the waiting room into one of the consultation rooms. This session was more like a general interview just to get some insight into my medical background and sleep problems.

Eliza was very warm, compassionate and easy going. Certainly not as cold, clinical and formal as I was anticipating inside my head. She asked me about my family history, why I decided to participate in the study, my expectations about the group intervention, what will be involved, what I think causes me to have disturbed sleep patterns and lack of quality sleep and how it impacts on my daily lifestyle and well-being.

I told Eliza that I’ve been having these sleep problems for about two years or slow due to work-related stress, general anxiety and depression symptoms, having lots of pressure and expectations from society, keeping busy and having lots of commitments and not being able to switch my brain off. I usually go to bed around 10-10.30pm and it can take up to 1-1.5 hours to fall asleep. Then I usually wake up around 3 or 4am and again struggle to go back to sleep again. Overall, I get around 4 to 5 hours of sleep per night on average.

These sleep problems have had a major affect on my well-being including poor focus and concentration, low energy, daytime sleepiness, difficult in getting motivated, regular crashes, physical and mental burnout. The group intervention part will involve me wearing a actigraphy watch device that measures physical motion and sleep/wake cycles for 7 days and filling out an online sleep diary as well as attending 4 two-hour group therapy sessions on ways to manage and improve my sleep.

I’m really hoping that this research study will be a pro-active stepping stone for me in helping to improve my sleep problems and all of the symptoms that I’ve mentioned above. I’ve tried many different natural therapies including using a weighted blanket, lavender spray, relaxation and guided meditation videos, using a vapouriser machine, reading, writing down my worries, having a bath or shower, taking herbal sleep vitamins but none of these have been 100% effective. http://otarc.blogs.latrobe.edu.au/sleep-help-for-adults-on-the-spectrum/

On Friday night, I attended a ten-pin bowling social night for the Adults in Their Thirties Aspergers Victoria group held at Healthways Recreation Centre - Mont Albert North. I actually found this drive to be a lot more mentally draining than the one I did this morning especially driving through Surrey Hills and Box Hill. The roads are so damn narrow and when you’re not completely familiar with an area, you can easily get yourself lost. Luckily I had my Google Maps navigator lady switched on to prevent that from happening.

Besides the moderate amount of traffic and the long distance I had to travel, it actually wasn’t too difficult getting there. I arrived just a couple of minutes before 7pm and found a few of the other Aspies upstairs where the bowling alleys are located. This particular bowling area has been around since 1961 with a retro 1980’s inspired colour scheme and design, featuring splashes of red, blue, yellow and pink.

The computer monitors are also a throwback to 8-bit computer processors with green text on a black background. As we soon learned, all the scores had to be recorded manually on the keyboard which added an additional level of problem solving to the night (aka figuring out how many pins have been knocked down). It’s been around 6 years since I last did ten pin bowling but I was surprised to see my beginners luck returning with a few spares and a couple of strikes.

It was also nice getting to know a few new members I hadn’t met before and chatting with Marcus Heath and Lucas Eldridge in between turns. For dinner, the group leaders organised a delivery of pizzas in the function room / kitchen area next door as well as some drinks. I honestly didn’t feel like being that social tonight but it was just nice to have some social company for once considering how low I’ve been feeling lately. I really needed this night to get out of the house and be with other Aspies around my own age. https://aspergersvic.org.au/events-groups

“If you can't wake up in the morning ‘Cause your bed lies vacant at night. If you're lost, hurt, tired or lonely. Can't control it, try as you might. May you find that love that won't leave you. May you find it by the end of the day. You won't be lost, hurt, tired and lonely. Something beautiful will come your way.” Robbie Williams - Something Beautiful (2002)

New Post has been published on https://usviraltrends.com/does-autism-arise-because-the-brain-is-continually-surprised-science/

Does autism arise because the brain is continually surprised? | Science

By George Musser, SpectrumMar. 9, 2018 , 9:00 AM

Originally published on Spectrum

Satsuki Ayaya remembers finding it hard to play with other children when she was young, as if a screen separated her from them. Sometimes she felt numb, sometimes too sensitive; sometimes sounds were muted, sometimes too sharp. As a teenager, desperate to understand herself, she began keeping a journal. “I started to write my ideas in my notebooks, like: What’s happened to me? Or: What’s wrong with me? Or: Who am I?” she says, “I wrote, wrote, wrote. I filled maybe 40 notebooks.”

Today, at 43, Ayaya has a better sense of who she is: She was diagnosed with autism when she was in her early 30s. As a Ph.D. student in the history and philosophy of science at the University of Tokyo, she is using the narratives from her teen years and after to generate hypotheses and suggest experiments about autism — a form of self-analysis called Tojisha-Kenkyu, introduced nearly 20 years ago by the disability-rights movement in Japan.

In Ayaya’s telling, her autism involves a host of perceptual disconnects. For example, she feels in exquisite detail all the sensations that typical people readily identify as hunger, but she can’t piece them together. “It’s very hard for me to conclude I’m hungry,” she says. “I feel irritated, or I feel sad, or I feel something [is] wrong. This information is separated, not connected.” It takes her so long to realize she is hungry that she often feels faint and gets something to eat only after someone suggests it to her.

She has also come to attribute some of her speech difficulties to a mismatch between how her voice sounds to her and how she expects it to sound. “Just after she speaks, her own voice feeds back to her ears, and she tends to notice the difference,” says her collaborator Shin-ichiro Kumagaya, a pediatric neurologist at the University of Tokyo who studies autism using Tojisha-Kenkyu. The effect is like the awkward echo on a phone line that makes it difficult to carry on a conversation — except that for Ayaya, it’s like that almost all the time.

Ayaya’s detailed accounts of her experiences have helped build the case for an emerging idea about autism that relates it to one of the deepest challenges of perception: How does the brain decide what it should pay attention to? Novelty captures attention, but to decide what is novel, the brain needs to have in place a prior expectation that is violated. It must also assign some level of confidence to that expectation, because in a noisy world, not all violations are equal: Sometimes things happen for a reason, and sometimes they just happen.

The best guess scientists have for how the brain does this is that it goes through a process of meta-learning — of figuring out what to learn and what not to. According to this theory, biases in the meta-learning process explain the core features of autism. The theory essentially reframes autism as a perceptual condition, not a primarily social one; it casts autism’s hallmark traits, from social problems to a fondness for routine, as the result of differences in how the mind processes sensory input.

All experience is controlled hallucination. You experience, in some sense, the world that you expect to experience.

Andy Clark

Consider what happens when we are new to a situation or a subject. Every detail — every bump on a graph, every change in a person’s tone of voice — seems meaningful. As we gain experience, though, we start to learn what the rule is and what the exception. The minutiae become less salient; the brain shifts its focus to the big picture. In this way, the brain masters one challenge and moves to the next, keeping itself at the cusp between boredom and frustration. Autism might represent a different learning curve — one that favors detail at the price of missing broader patterns.

Unlike other ‘unified theories’ of autism — those that purport to explain all aspects of the condition — this one builds on a broad account of brain function known as predictive coding. The premise is that all perception is an exercise of model-building and testing — of making predictions and seeing whether they come true. In predictive-coding terms, the brain of someone with autism puts more weight on discrepancies between expectations and sensory data. Whereas the typical brain might chalk up a stray car horn to chance variation in a city soundscape and tune it out, every beep draws conscious attention from the autism brain. “It provides a very parsimonious explanation for the cardinal features of autism,” says Karl Friston, a neuroscientist at University College London who helped develop the mathematical foundations of predictive-coding theory as it applies to the brain.

For now, the model is vague on some crucial details. “There’s many loose pieces,” says Katarzyna Chawarska, an autism researcher at Yale University. And some question whether a single model could ever account for a condition as heterogeneous as autism. Yet proponents say this very diversity argues for a unified theory. Understanding a fundamental cause might yield treatments that are equally broad in their reach. “If prediction truly is an underlying core impairment [in autism], then an intervention that targets that skill is likely to have beneficial impacts on many different other skills,” says computational neuroscientist Pawan Sinha of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

Predictive coding 101:

The basic premise of predictive coding goes back to the mid-19th century German physicist and psychologist Hermann von Helmholtz, and arguably to the philosopher Immanuel Kant, both of whom maintained that our subjective experience is not a direct reflection of external reality, but rather a construct. “All experience is controlled hallucination,” says Andy Clark, a cognitive scientist at the University of Edinburgh in Scotland. “You experience, in some sense, the world that you expect to experience.”

One reason we rely so much on expectation is that our perceptions lag behind reality. Much of what we do, from playing sixteenth notes on the guitar to adjusting our stance on a jerking subway train, happens faster than the 80 milliseconds or longer it takes our conscious minds to register input, let alone act upon it. And so the brain must always be anticipating what comes next. It generates a model of the world, makes decisions on that basis, and updates the model based on sensory feedback. In the language of probability theory, the brain is a Bayesian inference engine, merging prior expectations with current conditions to assess the probability of future outcomes.

Predicting and updating needn’t be — and usually aren’t — conscious acts; the brain builds its models on multiple subconscious levels. Nearly 20 years ago, researchers showed how the visual cortex works in a hierarchical and predictive fashion. The primary visual cortex generates a prediction for small-scale image patterns such as edges. It refines its prediction to match the incoming signals from the retina, but if this localized fine-tuning is not enough, it passes the buck to the secondary cortex, which revamps its expectations of what larger-scale geometric patterns must be out there. And so it goes up the hierarchy, evoking ever more sweeping changes, until the buck stops at the highest level: consciousness. (Neuroscientists adopted the term ‘predictive coding’ from communications engineering, which in the 1950s developed the idea of transmitting discrepancies rather than raw data, to minimize the amount of information a network needs to carry.)

Alexander Glandien, for Spectrum

When the brain perceives a discrepancy, it can respond by either updating its model or deeming the discrepancy to be a chance deviation, in which case it never swims up into conscious awareness. “You want to attenuate fake news,” Friston says. Or there is a third alternative: Faced with a discrepancy between model and world, the brain might also update the world — say, by moving an arm or flexing a hand to make the prediction come true. “One can reduce prediction errors not only by updating the model but by performing actions,” says Anil Seth, a neuroscientist at the University of Sussex in the United Kingdom. In this way, predictive coding can be not just a system for perception, but also for motor control.

But which of these three responses should the brain take? In the predictive-coding model, the brain decides among them by assigning its predictions a precision — the statistical variability it expects from the input. Precision is the brain’s version of an error bar: High precision (low variance) plays up discrepancies: “This is important. Pay attention!” Low precision (high variance) downplays them: “Just a fluke, never mind.”

Suppose the brain consistently set the precision higher than conditions called for. It would be as if Google Maps understated its uncertainty about a person’s location and drew that approximate blue circle around them too small. Random variations in the signal that cause the estimated location to jump around would look like real motion. One might well watch it and wonder what could possibly be causing that person to hop around like that: Where others saw noise, you’d see signal.

That same sort of miscalculation may occur in people with autism. “Maybe autism spectrum disorder involves a kind of failure to get that Bayesian balance right, if you like, or at least to do it in the neurotypical way,” Clark says.

Extreme precision:

Although the ideas underlying predictive coding date back at least 150 years, it came of age as a theory in neuroscience only in the 1990s, just as machine learning was transforming computer science — and that’s no coincidence. The two fields have cross-fertilized each other.

Many machine-learning systems have a parameter called the ‘learning rate’ that plays the role of predictive precision, Friston says. An artificial neural network learns by trial and error; if it classifies a puppy as a kitten, it tweaks its internal connections to do better next time, and the learning rate dictates the amount of tweaking. The system can adjust the learning rate to optimize its training and avoid problems such as overfitting the data — recognizing every kitten and puppy it has already encountered, but failing to grasp the general features that distinguish these pets. The learning rate is often high at first but decreases over time. In the predictive-coding model, the typical brain, too, starts with a high precision and gradually dials it down, possibly by adjusting the concentrations of chemical messengers such as norepinephrine and acetylcholine. “The belief is that precision is usually encoded by neuromodulators in the brain — chemicals that change the gain on cortical responses,” says Rebecca Lawson of the University of Cambridge in the U.K. When it’s time to initiate another round of learning, the brain cranks up the precision again.

In people with autism, however, the precision may have a tendency to jump to a high level or get stuck there — for whatever reason, the brain tends to overfit. This general idea was first put forward in 2010 by Columbia University neuroscientists Ning Qian and Richard Lipkin. Inspired by machine learning, they suggested that the autism brain is biased toward rote memorization, and away from finding regularities or patterns. “We can think about the difficulties of training people with [autism] as a mismatch between the learning style and the tasks,” Qian says.

The following year, another team put forth the first Bayesian model of the condition, proposing that in individuals with autism, the brain gives too little credence to its own predictions and therefore too much to sensory input. In response, two groups — one including Friston and Lawson — suggested that predictive coding could provide the mechanism for the imbalance between predictions and sensations. And in 2014, Sinha and his colleagues proposed that in autism, the brain’s predictions aren’t underweighted but simply inaccurate, which becomes especially apparent in cases where prediction is intrinsically difficult. For example, when one event follows another only slightly more often than expected to by chance, a person with autism might not notice any connection at all. A world that seems at least somewhat predictable to typical people can strike those with autism as capricious — or, as Sinha puts it, “magical.”

In autism, rather than being adaptively surprised when you ought to have been surprised, it’s as if there’s mild surprise to everything.

Rebecca Lawson

Although these groups focused on different parts of the predictive process, they described much the same principle: For a person with autism, the world never stops being surprising. “That is a very common narrative in individuals with [autism],” Kumagaya says. “They tend to be surprised more frequently than neurotypicals.” In a way, this view of the world facilitates some kinds of learning. For instance, studies show that people with autism do well at tasks that involve sustained attention to detail, such as spotting the odd man out in an image and identifying musical pitches. Also, they are less likely to see visual and multisensory illusions that presume strong expectations within the perceptual system.

But hyperawareness is exhausting. “You’re forever enslaved by sensations,” Friston says. Giving too much attention to the mundane would explain the sensory overload that people with autism commonly report. Some people with autism say they remain acutely conscious of buzzing lamps and rumbling air conditioners, and studies confirm they are slow to habituate to repeated stimuli.

Also in support of the predictive-coding model, people with autism can have trouble with tasks that are predictive by nature, such as catching a ball or tracking a moving dot on a screen. The problem is amplified when dealing with the most unpredictable things of all: human beings. To predict what someone will do in a given context, you may need to make a guess based on what they or someone like them did under different circumstances. That is hard for anyone, but more so for people with autism. “It’s very common, for example, for [people with autism] to get into social interactions and have difficulty taking what they’ve learned from situation A and bringing it to situation B,” Lipkin says. A lack of predictability can lead to acute anxiety, a common problem in people on the spectrum. Many features of autism, such as a preference for routine, can be understood as coping mechanisms. “When you see most of the repetitive movements, they are actively retreating to shield complexity in the natural world,” says Sander van de Cruys of the University of Leuven in Belgium.

In addition to offering explanations for a range of autism traits, predictive coding might also make sense of the confusing links between autism and schizophrenia. The theory accounts for schizophrenia as, in some ways, autism’s mirror image. In autism, sensory data overrides the brain’s mental model; in schizophrenia, the model trumps data.

Consider schizophrenia’s distinguishing feature: having auditory verbal hallucinations (hearing voices). Last year, Philip Corlett of Yale University and his colleagues studied the origin of these hallucinations by inducing mild versions in 30 people who reported hearing voices on a daily basis (half of whom had been diagnosed with psychosis) and 29 who didn’t. To do so, the researchers borrowed a trick from Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov. They showed the participants checkerboard images while playing a tone, so that the participants came to expect the two together. Then the researchers stopped playing the tone. The participants who hadn’t reported hearing voices quickly caught on, but those who were hallucination-prone were more likely to report that they still heard the tone. The team interpreted this difference in terms of predictive coding. “People with auditory verbal hallucinations have very, very precise expectations about the relationships between visual and auditory stimuli in our task, so much so that those beliefs sculpt new percepts from whole cloth,” Corlett says. “They make you hear things that weren’t actually presented to you.”

Autism resembles schizophrenia in some ways, Corlett says. Although hearing voices is not common, people on the spectrum have elevated rates of delusions — fixed beliefs they hold in the face of all evidence to the contrary, such as being manipulated by aliens or paranormal forces. Corlett suggests that these delusions occur when sensory data are given too much weight and install a new set of beliefs, which then become lodged in place.

Looking ahead:

There is still much about autism that predictive coding doesn’t explain, such as what exactly accounts for the autism brain’s hesitancy to dial back predictive precision as the brain gains experience. Researchers are still investigating which is askew: the prediction, the sensory input, the comparison of the two or the use of a discrepancy to force a model update. And what types of predictions are involved — all kinds, or just some? Our brains make predictions on many levels and timescales. People with autism do just fine with many of them.

Some researchers are skeptical that problems of prediction are the root cause of autism. Psychologist James McPartland, also at Yale, says he is partial to explanations that give primacy to the condition’s social traits. If one thing characterizes autism, he says, it’s social difficulties, suggesting that researchers should focus on the mental machinery we need to interact with other people, such as face recognition. He says he finds a social explanation no less biologically plausible than a perceptual one. “We have a really clear idea where in the brain faces are processed,” he says. He also wonders about the direction of causation: Instead of predictive problems explaining social difficulties, the relationship might work in reverse, because so much of the brain’s predictive capacities are developed through social interactions. “Is social information a critical kind of information for the normative development of predictive coding?” he says.

Predictive-coding researchers themselves acknowledge that they are just beginning to test the theory in autism. “Those initial papers, they’re sort of just-so stories, in that they are post hoc — explaining data that was already collected,” Lawson says. But she and others have been conducting experiments that probe the predictive mechanisms more specifically. Many involve associative-learning tasks, in which people have to figure out the rule that governs some series of images or other stimuli. Every so often, the experimenters change the rule in a way that’s not immediately obvious and see how quickly their participants catch on.

Last year, for example, Lawson and her colleagues brought two dozen people with autism and 25 controls into the lab. They played a high or low beep, showed a picture of a face or house, and asked participants to press a button for ‘face’ or ‘house.’ At first, a high tone presaged a house 84 percent of the time, then a low tone did, then tones had only a 50-50 relation to image type, and so on. The controls slowed down whenever a run of violated expectations convinced them that the rule must have changed, but the participants with autism responded at a more consistent rate, which was slightly slower overall. The researchers concluded that the participants with autism responded as if each deviation — a house when the tone augured a face, say — signaled a change of rule, whereas typical people were inclined to write off the first few deviations as probabilistic happenstance.

Alexander Glandien, for Spectrum

For about half the participants, the researchers also measured pupil size, because pupils dilate in response to norepinephrine, one of the chemicals thought to encode predictive precision. Interpreting these results was tricky because each person followed a slightly different learning curve and formed different expectations. To determine whether a given event would seem surprising, the researchers had to model each person’s pattern of responses individually. The upshot was that the pupils of participants with autism seemed to be on a hair trigger. “In autism, rather than being adaptively surprised when you ought to have been surprised, it’s as if there’s mild surprise to everything — so, it’s sort of saying, well, that was mildly surprising, and that was mildly surprising, and that was mildly surprising, and that was mildly surprising,” Lawson says.

One intriguing approach is to build the predictive-coding theory into computer models, even robots. Artificial neural networks that embody theories of brain function could serve as digital lab rats. Researchers could tweak the model parameters to see whether they reproduce the traits of autism, schizophrenia or other conditions. In 2012, computational scientist Jun Tani and a colleague programmed a robot to simulate schizophrenia. By adding noise to the robot controller’s calculations, they led it to miscalculate the discrepancy between its expectation and its sensory data. The spurious error — a robotic hallucination, if you will — propagated up the robot’s cognitive hierarchy and destabilized its operation. “The robot shows disorganized behaviors,” says Tani, professor at the Okinawa Institute of Science and Technology in Japan. He and others are beginning to apply predictive coding to autism in this way.

If predictive coding holds up as a model for autism, it might also suggest new directions for therapies. “Different kids with autism may show impairments in somewhat different parts of that predictive chain,” Chawarska says, which might call for a range of clinical approaches. When she meets with parents, she uses the idea of prediction to help them understand their child’s experience of the world, telling them: “Your child really has tremendous difficulties understanding what’s going to happen next,” she says. “It’s something that really comes through, particularly with these very, very young kids. Their anguish and difficulty in relating to events is that they simply don’t know where they fit.”

If nothing else, predictive coding might offer the insight some young people crave — as Ayaya did when she was a teenager. “I noticed the differences between me and other kids, and I was thinking, why was this going on?” she recalls. As an adult, she says, her anxiety has abated, not just because of the self-knowledge she has achieved, but also because of the awareness shown by her peers and friends. Often, the typical people she spends time with know about her condition, she says. “They know me. [So] I feel more free to ask, ‘I got surprised, but didn’t you?’”

This article was reprinted with permission from Spectrum, the home of autism research news and analysis.

Asperger’s/ASD vs. Schizoid Personality Disorder by Joseph H. Lucas PsyD, ABSNP, CCBT

Today I'm discussing the diagnostic differences between Autism Spectrum disorder-Asperger's disorder and Schizoid Personality disorder. Although these two disorders share comorbidity, they are categorized as distinctly different disorders in the DSM-V. In understanding the differences between the two aforementioned disorders the following article may be helpful. I am providing insights into these two similar disorders because I have treated individuals with both disorders and there are real differences between the two. Specific diagnosis and greater specificity with regards to diagnostic classification, typically, in most cases, results in far superior treatment. However, without significant psychological testing with both quantitative and qualitative measures, it is very difficult for the average practitioner and physician to distinguish these two severe disorders. The following article from April 15, 2014, by Climbing the Cinder Cone may be helpful.

“Making diagnoses can be tricky business. In the medical world, even with all the lab tests and imaging currently available, physicians frequently have a hard time pinpointing the best label (never mind the best treatment) for a set of symptoms. Diagnoses are even squishier in the mental health world, where labels are based primarily on how an individual behaves and feels; lab tests and imaging are rarely used.

Elsewhere in this blog I’ve documented how the diagnoses for our son Nathan changed over time. In his late teens, the notion that he had Aspergers took hold. Psychological tests at his high school qualified him as “autistic-like”; the psychiatrist who finally provided an official Aspergers diagnosis said of Nathan, “He has it, in spades!”

Nathan has been through a few mental health professionals since then. All of them seemed to be on board with the Aspergers diagnosis, although the emphasis of their treatment was on Nathan’s depression, which had reached crisis levels (0r depths).

Nathan started seeing his latest psychologist (Dr S) last July. I gave my input in the first session, and subsequently sat in the waiting room during their monthly sessions. By February’s appointment, I decided it was time to ask Dr S about his impressions, and whether there were adjustments we should make in supporting Nathan’s journey through life.

Dr S asked me what I saw as Nathan’s challenges. I replied, “Blah blah blah his depression, and blah blah blah Aspergers…”

Dr S interrupted me. “Oh, I don’t see any signs of Aspergers. I think Nathan has schizoid personality disorder. Have you ever heard of it?” I shook my head. He then showed me the diagnostic criteria for this scary-sounding label.

“Wow, that does seem to fit him!” I said.

Dr S turned to Nathan. “Are you curious about this?”

Nathan grimaced. “Not really.” He declined to read the diagnostic criteria.

Dr S told me two major things about schizoid personality disorder. First, it would be pointless to try to get someone with Schizoid PD to socialize if s/he doesn’t want to. Second, he said people with Schizoid PD rarely hold jobs.

I left his office trying to wrap my head around this new framework for Nathan’s condition. My new task was to find out more about Schizoid PD. I also wondered how common it is for the diagnosis to be switched with Aspergers or autism spectrum in general. The following is what I have found.

First, it helps to know what a personality disorder is.  This summary from the Mayo Clinic is in plain language (compared to the others I found):

A personality disorder is a type of mental disorder in which you have a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking, functioning and behaving. A person with a personality disorder has trouble perceiving and relating to situations and to people. This causes significant problems and limitations in relationships, social encounters, work and school.

In some cases, you may not realize that you have a personality disorder because your way of thinking and behaving seems natural to you. And you may blame others for the challenges you face.

Among the better-known personality disorders are the paranoid, narcissistic, and antisocial personality disorders.

Like all personality disorders, Schizoid PD doesn’t become evident until the teen years or early adulthood. It is more common in males, and is thought to affect 1 – 5% of the population.

Here is a summary of Schizoid PD symptoms, copied from this link to Psychology Today:

The schizoid personality rarely feels there is anything wrong with him/her; symptoms are an indifference to social relationships and a limited range of emotional expression.

Takes pleasure in few, if any, activities

Does not desire or enjoy close relationships, including family

Appear aloof and detached

Avoid social activities that involve significant contact with other people

Almost always chooses solitary activities

Little or no interest in sexual experiences with another person

Lacks close relationships other than with immediate relatives

Indifferent to praise or criticism

Shows emotional coldness, detachment or flattened affect

Exhibits little observable change in mood

It is important to know that Schizoid PD is not schizophrenia, and it isn’t schizoaffective disorder. Both of those involve psychotic symptoms such as hallucinations and delusions. People with Schizoid PD are in touch with reality. That being said, there does seem to be a relationship between Schizoid PD and schizophrenia: they turn up in the same families, and individuals with Schizoid PD may be more likely to develop schizophrenia than the general population. Another condition, called schizotypal personality disorder, has similarities to Schizoid PD but (from what I gather) involves more fear and eccentric behavior.

Other informative links about Schizoid PD are from Wikipedia (lots of detail here!) and the Mayo Clinic. It was disturbing in the latter link to read that one of the risk factors for Schizoid PD is “having a parent who was cold or unresponsive to emotional needs.” I immediately thought of the times I was understated or annoyed in reacting to Nathan’s many meltdowns. Ah, parental guilt! The Wikipedia entry softens this somewhat by saying that the link to parental aloofness is a hypothesis, not a certainty.

Speaking of guilt, I found a website called Out of the FOG, which provides support for family members of someone with a personality disorder. FOG stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt – common reactions for those dealing with such a person. Anyway, if you follow the OOTF link above, you’ll see a list of 30 traits that are common in people with Schizoid PD, and toward the bottom of the page is the official diagnostic criteria from the DSM (Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association).

It appears there are no really great treatments for Schizoid PD. Psychotherapy may help, if the individual decides s/he wants to make progress in coping with society. Medications can be prescribed for some of the symptoms that go along with the disorder, such as depression and anxiety.

As for a diagnosis switching between Aspergers and Schizoid PD, it seems to be a fairly common occurrence. A book about Aspergers published in 2007 that I found on our bookshelf says that some researchers believe Aspergers and Schizoid PD might be the same thing. This article by Barbara Nichols from October 2013 talks about the differences but also says some believe Schizoid PD may be on the autism spectrum. The controversy continues. (The nifty diagram (with teeny-tiny print) at the top of this post was taken from this article).

Internet forums are a good way to find out what others have to say. Here are links to three forums on the topic of Aspergers vs Schizoid PD. This one from Wrong Planet gets into other diagnoses besides Schizoid PD that may come up in the Aspie community. The explanation given by Anasthasia in this Psych Forum is one of the clearest I’ve come across. Among other things, she says that an Aspie struggles with reading social cues; a Schizoid can read them but doesn’t care to. This thread in a forum on CosmoQuest gets off-topic, but was notable to me for posing the idea that Schizoids can change their sociability with a lot of will power, but Aspies are wired differently and therefore cannot.

One last link about the differences: for those of you who watch the BBC “Sherlock” series (with Benedict Cumberbatch), here is someone of the opinion that Sherlock has Schizoid PD, not Aspergers. Which diagnosis do I think fits Nathan better? I’m still a little confused, but the balance is tipping towards Schizoid PD. Sadly, I won’t be able to ask Dr S any follow-up questions: he passed away suddenly 13 days after Nathan’s February appointment. Nathan, who dislikes almost everyone, seemed to be fine with Dr S and their sessions. He expressed surprise but no other emotion on learning of his therapist’s passing.”

Retreived 11/13/2017: https://climbingthecindercone.com/2014/04/15/aspergers-or-schizoid-personality-disorder/