#i am judging myself so hard
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i think i might be obsessed with fujii kaze
#fujii kaze#i dont even know#what is this behaviour pooja#i am judging myself so hard#shinunoga e wa#damn#he is weird and fine
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he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.
except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?
at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.
except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.
about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.
he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.
#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag#writeblr#it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal#fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho)#healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy#im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage....#1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind#and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes#2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception''#3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.''#idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh#im sure there are people who have this experience normally#but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists#when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band''#edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful#once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large#but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry.#but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes#but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally.#i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes#people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism#but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet .#i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY#and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound.#but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in#i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too.#here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change#was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort)#choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL
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Nami WIP + some chibi doodles heheeee
#chia draws#one piece#nami one piece#cat burglar nami#Nami#i love women#this piece is kicking my ass tho#like I’m trying to find my style but it’s all#confusing#like what do I want to achieve with my drawings? what do I want to focus on?#in other news I am now cooking as a way to procrastinate#thank you dunmeshi and the bear#I made bread and fresh pasta and carbonara and lemon curd#I love cooking man#idk why but my butter cookies always end up too hard#I’m gonna make some tangerine dishes so I can pretend I’m cooking for Nami#that way I trick myself into self care#anywayyyys#I love Nami so muchhhh#and idk how people have such cute tumblr layouts I don’t really get httml#I’m a STEM girlie but coding? not my forte#lately I’ve been thinking about one piece from a biotech standpoint#like tf do you mean nobody knows what DNA is besides judge and Vegapunk#they know some diseases are congenital but don’t know about DNA#huuuuuhhhh?#anyways I’m writing a fic about an OC funding a science journal in OP#it’s a lot of fun#art wip#unfinished
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my boy 😭😭💗
#am i cringing at myself for buying a funko pop with real human money that i barely have?#yes#BUT LOOK AT HIM#LOOK AT MY BOY#eddie munson#he's got his little rings 😭 i can't#my partner is judging me so hard lol but idc#he's right next to my panda lego set lol
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jhgfcdvgbhnjk but here's a lil thought to chuckle over, but imagine accidentally introducing li to the whole 'daddy kink' shebang when you accidentally call him that. cue him looking increasingly confused because??? did he??? misread the relationship??? ( he is confusion and panicking and questioning is existence, your honor ).
now you have to spend the next few minutes telling him that no, no this was a strictly sexytimes thing, li stop developing a crisis pls.
NO BUT LIKE THIS IS SO FUNNY SCGVASHVCJHANJK-
So like fun fact I don’t really like daddy kink, I don’t. It makes me kinda uncomfy idk why?? But when the fandom started calling Zhongli “geo daddy” from the start I jumped right in since it was funny, like it’s just a joke, right?
fast forward 2 years and I can unironically call zl that what is life
this man can get me into any kink is2g it has happened multiple times already //head in hands
but I still very much treat it as a joke/tease?? It still gives me asdcvghbjk vibes personally?? ( I much MUCH prefer sir/lord/master ehe//SHOT)
Zhongli is the exception
anyway
Zhongli has you pressed on the couch, lips claiming yours passionately as you groan and try to pull him impossibly closer. Your hands finding purchase on his dark locks, your legs parting to make way for him, before rubbing one of them sensually against his side and around his hip.
His breath hitches as the heavy kiss stops for a moment. It's certainly starting to feel hot and you want all those layers off.
Your hands fumble with the intricate clasps of Zhongli's coat while his hot breath tickles at your neck. He nibbles and sucks there, effectively making harder your goal of getting his coat off, you huff frustrated.
Zhongli chuckles and pulls back a moment to discard the article of clothing himself, draping it over the back of the couch, before leaning back to pepper you with kisses and nibbles. His pelvis rubs against yours with a slow drag and you let out a breathy moan at the feel of his sizeable bulge.
"Ah! P-Please... daddy..."
The word slips out without even noticing, but what you do notice is how Zhongli stills on top of you, petrified for a few seconds.
Oh.
Oh no...
Your eyes widen a little and you blush profusely as you stare at his equally shocked expression. You really haven't talked about this, or even mentioned it before, maybe he finds it odd or uncomfortable?
He pulls back again and you barely contain a frustrated whine. Your legs still parted around his lap, splayed enticingly on the couch when in reality you wish you could just curl up into a ball, embarrassed.
"I'm- I'm sorry it just came out, I-"
"Do you... see me as a father figure, y/n?"
You almost choke.
"W-What?!"
"I'm" He coughs into his fist, a pink dust over his cheeks. "I know I'm... far older than you but..."
Oh this is not happening.
You just lie there, mouth agape, incredulous while looking at him stumble over his words.
"Have I... been misreading our relationship and your affection for me?"
He looks straight up distraught and you're not sure if you want to cry or laugh.
"Stop- No. Li." You scramble to sit up. "Listen, it's... i-it's a kink thing..." You explain, feelings your cheeks heat up.
"... an... incestuous fetish?"
You want to die.
"Zhongli!" You squeak mortified. "NO! Nothing like that, sweet Celestia!" You drag a hand down your face. Great, now both of you are looking really uncomfortable, the mood has been killed, and you actually have to explain a daddy kink to this 6000 years old God.
“I’m just not sure-”
You sputter and frantically move your hands in front of him. "Alright just- stop, stop- stop talking. Before my face gets any redder and this gets any weirder. I-I'm sorry I blurted out that one on you, alright? Now..." You inhale, oh boy here it goes. "It's... kind of a dominance thing. I like t-that you're... older, and stronger." You try to word out carefully. "So you take care of me, of my needs, and you protect me." You mumble. "S-so you're my daddy, I'm your baby. It's exciting."
He... doesn't look very convinced.
You huff.
"Alright, you know how I like it when you call me little one? When you use pet names and tell me I'm good? It's sort of like that... it's dirty talk." You bite your lip, shuffling on the couch a little restless.
Zhongli looks pensive now, a hand to his chin and his brows frowning cutely as he usually does when considering things.
Is he still overthinking things? You sigh and your shoulders and head sag in defeat.
"You know what? Please, just forget about it don't start having an existential cris-"
His hand then tips your chin up and he leans in to whisper at your ear, voice deep and velvet smooth.
"So, you want daddy to take care of you, baby?"
A shiver goes down your spine.
He pulls back and stares at you with a mix of amusement and wonder. Seemingly fascinated and proud of having gotten such a strong reaction as your entire face flushes red and you stare at him speechless.
He chuckles good-naturedly. “Like that?”
Now that's just not fair...
"Y-You can't just...!"
"Oh? Was that not-"
"Do it again."
#PLS I'M CRYING WHAT IS THIS#WHY IS THIS SO FUNNY I DIED#crys answers#gn reader#do you know how hard I contained myself from using 'good girl'/'babygirl'? bc I wanted to keep it neutral#ANYWAY I AM 1000% NOT JUDGING OR MAKING FUN ROCK YOUR KINKS EVERYONE#I just love the idea of clueless zl like this sdfcvghbhjkl#crys writes#aine friend
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🐶 the dog days 💚💛💙❤️
#traditional art#my personal favourites#sasha's art#artists on tumblr#Illustration#art#dog#okay so i know these look much different than the stuff i usually do BUT#because of my job i've had to sit in on a lot of conferences/ meetings/ educations and such and some of them? not the most exciting#so i started doing these#actually i made a Green One first but then when i made two other ones the original Green One didn't Fit the Vibe of the other ones#so i made this New Green One last#also all of these were made just straight ink to paper without a sketch first so that's why they're all so... Wonky#so tbh i am a bit... embarrassed to post these lmao but!! i've been trying to post more of Whatever i do not just digital art#idk i have no idea how people are vibing with like. stuff like this and the pastels toucan and the clay stuff??#ouuuugh it's so hard to. get over myself and just use this blog as a place to collect all my art instead of like. trying to Present it to-#-The World#i am not doing art as a Job and i never Would!! i am doing it for Me!!#but it's still so Scary to put anything Out There!!! it's so Scary!!#i always have this Fear that someone is looking at these and Judging Me and being like Uuugh Why Does She Even Try Shes So Bad#which like#if someone is!! that's Fine!! like it's Fine this is a fun hobby i love!!#when will i calm down about this lmao#anyways#hope you like my dogs!!#they're borzois
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Why is my mother telling me to prepare classical dance covers on English songs knowing that isn't my vibe at all. We gen Z indians are still attached to bollywood songs to put up a classical cover on it.
She thought I will do a jathi or any of my odissi items for dance clubs and parties and I was like: maa what do you think your daughter to be. I don't have the intention of the entire student body going to sleep
#samridhi speaks#look I believe everything has an audience and I have experienced the same classical is so boring many a times even in the places we were#invited to perform like they were all chatting and drinking wine over there#so yeah classical is only for fests and all which has that theme in mind#and I am totally not against classical on English songs I myself love those covers and fusion dances on those remixes but can't do it#personally#and her point is to also catch attention while performing classical which is okay#anyway I will just do my own stuff because I kinda want to prove her fears wrong#be a social butterfly and dance on my own instead of depending upon her or anyone else's approval#sometimes I tend to judge myself hard as a dancer due to her. at times it is yeah I can dance well and do amazing#then sometimes with her it is like why tf are you even trying you are not as good as you think you are#but I think I do need a tough checkpoint
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Favorite outfit
Favorite hairstyle
Favorite weapon
#I don't want to draw kusarigama#drows#sand siblings#temari#kankuro#gaara#Experimenting is fun when you stop to keep judging your own work (in the unnecessary way)- Like.. why'd I color things like pudding oh well#Lee's BANGS#Lee's so weird here.. lee's so.. he's hard to draw why why.. the coloring though.. I'm done. I don't want to bother with it#Many artists here just.. color their drawings as if “No.. this is no problem AT ALL”#Putting this journey in the tags so when I look back here in the future and seeing this.. I'll be like: I can't believe I'm cringe#Why am I like this though.. why.. these things aren't necessary to hear though.. You work hard.. you did it at least#Thank you.. I myself unsure#No they won't laugh at you - I know.. thank you - This whole thing shouldn't determine you as a person.. if it's bad.. it's okay..#It doesn't mean you're bad too - Okay.. thank wait.. why suddenly aiming me personally.. this isn't about that - Love you - ... :)
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#exoticbutterstxt#HMMMM well. i have a problem where if something i write or make is well received#i feel like a piece of shit for fooling everybody into thinking what i make is interesting#or in any way meaningful. which is SILLY#because my sonic stuff IS interesting and thematically rich#and contains a lot of meaning that is very personal to me and im glad it resonates#but istg the self loathing gets so bad sometimes with this kind of thing#logically i understand that self loathing not only hurts ME#but the people around me who enjoy me and the things i put out into the world. i am insulting the people around me as well by insulting#myself and my work. but its so hard to avoid that.#my brain it does not wor#work#idk if posting this is cringe do i look like an un self aware asshole here#theres a variety of things people could judge me for in these tags alone
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🍄 ❄️ 🧩
🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings
hghhhhhhh i should save all my juicy chenai ones for fics. but since most of them involve pre-canon timelines, i'll go with one of my old standbys for my favorite ships: food. i think ai di developed a really fucked-up relationship with food in prison -- not only a bland, tasteless utility rather than something eaten for pleasure, but also something he associates with danger due to the communal nature of mealtime. i think he spent all that time eating just enough to be able to stay alert, but forcing himself to get through it as quickly as possible so he could fully focus on protecting zong yi and watching for threats. and conversely, i think chen yi picked up a lot of cooking skills while ai di was inside, and he goes out of his way, especially in the early days, to make ai di's favorite dishes and try to help him work through all of the issues he clearly has but isn't talking about. as much as he would fight it, ai di wants to be cared for (on an extremely repressed level), and i'm a huge proponent of food as an act of love.
❄️ ⇢ what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best?
this is mean and you know it. :( i so so so so SO desperately crave that thematically rich, narratively probing character work for my kiseki boys. there's so much to pick apart and so many approaches you could take -- so many pieces of their pasts to fill in; so many missing scenes or scenes that would benefit from extra depth -- and i don't want to write it myself because i'm slow, my brain is bad, and also, i know exactly what i would write and so the element of surprise isn't there. unfortunately, i'm an exacting and demanding bitch so even if someone did write this dream fic, i would probably still find a reason to kvetch. i am permanently trapped in the 'i don't want to write it but no one is going to write exactly the fic i want to see unless i write it myself' hell and it is 100% a self-created problem. every day i'm self-owning.
🧩 ⇢ what will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately?
i'm VERY picky about authorial voice, and that goes for fic and published work alike. i have been known to drop books within a few paragraphs if the voice grates on me. (this is @ tim o'brien when i made it four paragraphs into america fantastica this morning and deleted it.) i see very stilted writing in fandom spaces that speaks to a certain level of insecurity and lack of practice, and i just can't do it. writing doesn't necessarily need to flow in a mellow fashion -- a choppy, staccato rhythm can be brutally effective -- but you can absolutely tell when someone has an underdeveloped authorial voice or is trying too hard to cultivate one they're not entirely comfortable with.
(in terms of developed authorial voice that i just cannot do, the two that immediately spring to mind are very smug, self-satisfied cleverness (people who grew up as teeaboos or who are constantly mimicking pterry or douglas adams) and extremely flowery language. get to the fucking point already!!)
i also will immediately tune out of something with bad grammar, especially inconsistent tense changes or dialogue that isn't punctuated correctly, OOC behavior (extremely vague umbrella term here, let's be real, but much like pornography, i'll know it when i see it), and repetitive word choice. i have closed out of fics for using 'the other man' or 'the blond' or 'murmured' so many times within a chapter that if i took up a drinking game while reading, i'd be dead of liver failure within 500 words.
i'm a huge snob and i never read anything, basically ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#not that i am in any way shape or form killing the writing game and i know this#i am a lazy hack so when i am judging others please know i am also judging myself just as hard#asks
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#EXCYSE ME#IMSK NORMAL ABOUT THUS#IF THIS AINT REAL LOVE I DONT KNOW#I WOULD DO THAY#I WANT TO SACRIFICE MYSELF FOR YOU AND THIS IS A SMALL THING TO SHOW IT#if i dont destroy myself for love im not actually in love#love is when looking at urself alone becomes painful bc youre not beside me#love is getting flashbacks of your hand in mine so vivid and painful#love is hating myself for being a human bc humans arent perfect and i wish i was perfect for u#love is loving myself every next day because you said you said you loved the soup i made you#love is judging myself and questioning my excistence when you tell me One thing but being my happiest self whan you say Another thing#my love is messy and strong large and hard but its real and its here even if yoh dont feel her presence#i hope u feel her presence when i look into your eyes and see everything when in some people i see nothinf#you make me feel everything i could ever feel and this makes it a rollercoaster#i hope u love a mess bc its sure i am one#poetry
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who up feeling profoundly inhuman and doubting their tangible impact on the world around them smash like
#it's really hard to feel like an actual person when you don't ever feel like you're home#i am so. disconnected from myself and the world. i feel inauthentic#like a facade of what a person is supposed to be but without any of the substance or depth or symbols of personhood#just an object that can hold a conversation as long as you don't ask it about itself too much#you can only answer “what've you been up to” with “not much of anything” so many times before you start feeling like it isnt worth it yknow#i just want to feel safe. feel comfortable. like i'm not constantly putting on a performance for some unseen judge#to have space and time to figure out who the fuck i am cus i never figured that out#ugh#vent#delete later
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Literally how would you be the most boring person to talk to literally all of your words are so cool and interesting
??? that’s so sweet of you aah 🥺😭🤍
#but like. sometimes i feel like that’s all there is yknow? i’m a blank space unless there are words to fill the void#but i also have a history of being too hard on my self so who am i to judge myself 😂#ANYWAY thank you aaah??? 🥺🫶😭🤍 MWAH!!!
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okay time to go bother an actual eye doctor because I wanna be the dead secretary so bad. this feels so unhinged and extra. i feel like they're going to laugh me out of the building. but. life is sooooo fucking short man
#this is a weird one for me for some reason#i just want white contacts bro#that feels like a very very silly and not-good-enough reason to bother an actual eye doctor#but i want white contacts that won't be dangerous and cause me problems later 😭#sooooooo#this is the route i guess#gonna be soooooooo hard to walk up to these people and not feel like i need to apologize repeatedly and self-depreciate#hi i need white contacts for a cosplay i know that sounds silly and dumb to you and i'm wasting your time i'm so sorry#but that's not very fair to myself is it#so i'm going to try and NOT do that#WHY IS THIS SO HARD. THIS IS NOTHING. THIS IS A NOTHINGNESS. WHY AM I SO UPSET ABOUT IT.#they're gonna hate me 😭#okay fuck it. onwards and upwards#only way out is through etc#promise me you guys won't judge me for making a big deal about nothing#when this is inevitably indeed a nothingness and turns out to not be worth all this upset#promise?#okay love you#muwah
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UGHHH ive just reached a point in planning something where i have to choose who i want the protagonist to run into and its really annoying me
on one hand theres the canon character who i originally imagined it to be, who has a tragic backstory so a bunch of potential for reveals and stuff. the only drawback is that i cant stop feeling embarrassed even though NO ONES GONNA READ IT
and then i could take the easy way out and just make a new character with a smimilar concept but none of the backstory just to stop me from feeling embarrassed about putting a charaacter that already exists into a universe that they exist in
#UIGHHHHH#you can take the boy out of the church but cant take the church out of the boy ig#im just ranting ignore me#THE WORKING TITLE IS SELF INDULGENCE CENTRAL WHY AM I FEELING BAD ABOUT INDULGING MYSELF#like why is it so hard to include the character that ive been imagining in this fic for the last week just because someone might judge me#no ones ever going to read this#its for me and just me why do i feel bad#ugh#im gonna go write him in and tell myself its fine#eli doesnt write sometimes
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listen if youre online arguing about what "true punk' is youre already too far gone. ok now that being said i have a secret opinion to share ⬇️
#i know how lame it is to care about ''posers'' like literally who cares we're all adults just do yo thang#but.............. the more time i spend in my local scene(s) the more i become aware of ppl who are like aspirationally alternative#like you wanna be edgy bc you think its badass and counterculture#but you dont have the backbone to do anything for yourself without worrying about how others will see you#like youre so deadset on fitting in to this one subculture but you seemingly dont particularly like anything about it?#all you want is to look cool in front of your peers so you just absorb whatever is popular with them at the time.#opinions music attitude appearance all based on whatevers trendy. which we're all guilty of i know#but why try so hard to fit into this idealistic 'punk' label. it sucks and is so lame and everyone can tell how hard youre posturing#and not to throw stones in glass houses but these ppl r so awful to talk to#seemingly never attempted an original thought in their life. speaks exclusively in twitter/tiktok/tumblr memes or buzzwords#never really listens to you and only factors in your opinion after he's run it by the ppl he wants to fit in with#um i mean they 🧍#could be thinking of a specific guy i know. maybe#anyways i think im discovering in real time what a ''poser'' is and its making me feel like a cranky old man#always have to remind myself to be empathetic and not judge too harshly bc literally who am i and who cares#but it still gets my goat occasionally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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