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jaspvids · 1 month

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The Diagnosis Of David

Disclaimer: I am by no means a mental health professional. This is just a meta-analysis.

What do we think of when we think of David?

His values of kindness. Optimism. Hope. Conviction. Passion. His drive to do his best every single day. The way he always makes an effort to reach out to others.

But also:

Attachment issues. People pleaser. Rose-colored glasses wearer. And at times, though the fandom doesn’t want to acknowledge it — Selfish. Unstable. Rude. Hypocritical. Kind of a dick.

See this video I made;

He’s complex, so let’s try to unpack him, and figure out what he’s got going on under that floof.

On David’s Childhood

David has been through a number of traumatic events in his childhood, most notably:

Witnessing Jasper fall to his near-death.

Finding Jasper, and being almost mauled by bears during the escape.

Clown school was apparently very bad, given the flashback-like reaction he had when it was mentioned. I’m unsure of his age when this occurred, however.

The fight with Jasper at the cave before they parted ways.

Losing Jasper. He says Cameron told him he was picked up by his parents, but I’m not convinced it’s not just his mind trying to erase painful memories.

As far as what we don’t necessarily see in the show, but can infer, David’s father was either not present or not great. He dreamt Cameron was his real father, as seen below.

And we all know Cameron is an awful father figure to begin with.

Yet, that’s better to David, apparently, than whatever he had at home. Which implies it was likely a pretty bad situation.

This can also be backed up by his attachment to the camp — growing up (and even now) it seems to be more of a home to him than his actual home.

That’s a home that hasn’t ever been mentioned, by the way. Contrary to Gwen, we know absolutely nothing about his family. He hasn’t talked about them once, if I recall correctly.

David is often open with emotions, if not wearing his heart on his sleeve. So why would he never mention his family and home?

We know why.

Even as an adult, he has retained this attachment to Cameron (who has in turn, continued to use this attachment to his benefit). He gets very excited about helping Cameron change in “keep the change” — because he needs to believe people who hurt him can get better. Otherwise, it’s too painful to bear.

The Loss Of Jasper

Part of his childhood, but significant enough to warrant its own section.

Jasper and David had a very interesting relationship. We’ve seen in the past that David was pessimistic, foulmouthed, and hot-tempered, directly compared to an optimistic, peppy, popular Jasper.

But then Jasper saw Cameron’s real self, and David received a modicum of praise for what was likely the first time based on his reaction. And so, they basically did somewhat of a switcheroo.

(David takes on many traits of Jasper after this experience, showing that he does admire him at the end of the day. I believe these traits are the foundation of David’s many masks.)

Despite the whole shebang, further episodes show us that they form a strong bond (or maintain one, we don’t know what happened before the first Jasper and David episode.)

What makes this friendship especially crucial in David’s development is that I believe Jasper was the first person to truly stand up for David.

David is, as we have seen, easily manipulated. Jasper picks up on this, and knowing Cameron’s just trying to use his best friend, tries to take Cameron down.

Jasper essentially died trying to protect David.

If Jasper hadn’t died, I don’t think David would have ended up as gullible and dependent as he is. If he had the more rational and realistic Jasper by his side during the rest of his developmental years, I believe things would have ended up much, much differently.

With Jasper’s death, there seems to be nobody else at camp who knows of Cameron’s crimes, or possibly, doesn’t want to speak out about them. Nobody to stand up for him. Nobody to redirect him.

So there’s nobody to stop the unhealthy-attachment-train from picking up speed.

Cameron And David’s Relationship

Cameron is manipulative and abusive towards David. This even becomes physical:

Despite this, David continues to idolize him as is seen in many cases of abuse. He works his ass off maintaining Cameron’s camp. Cameron’s approval makes or breaks him, because this is the man he sees as a father, unfortunately.

In addition, David is unable to let go of the hope that Cameron can change, because he’s convinced himself that deep down Cameron is still “good”, based on his skewed perception of him. And we all know how that ended.

But as Diane from Bojack Horseman once said —

And that is David’s problem — he wants so much for there to be a “deep down”, that there will be a day where Cameron showers him with praise and throws signed adoption forms at him, etcetera.

He judges Cameron not on who he actually is, but who he wants him to be. And so, the unhealthy attachment remains.

(Which is, of course, incredibly destructive to his mental health.)

Other Things We Know About His Mental Health, From Canon

We know he takes meds.

We know he has (sometimes dissociative) panic attacks.

We know he has been seen to suddenly snap, even to the point of violence.

My Final Conclusion: C-PTSD

(As the trauma has been not just one event, but many over the course of his life, and among other reasons, I believe CPTSD fits better than PTSD.)

David meets much of the criteria, most notably:

Lack of emotional regulation

Dissociation

Flashbacks

Anxiety

Guilt and shame

Distorted perception of abuser

Relationship difficulties

Okay this was long I’m tired good night.

#camp camp #camp camp david #cc david

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transmutationisms · 7 months

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being reductive here but i do think the covid pandemic has & continues to expose a very specific strain of techno-optimistic or utopian thinking wrt medical technologies in particular---this idea that you can simply solve a massive socio-technical problem (disease spread) through a solely technical intervention that thus requires no input or cooperation from the average person besides a vague sort of 'pro-science' stance. you see this first with the crowd who thought the 'post-vaccine world' was one in which things ought to immediately 'get back to normal' but you also see it with those who seem to believe that eg a risky recreational event (parties, bars, &c) would be magically transformed in a binary manner into a wholly 'safe' one if only people were to wear masks. in this sort of politics there is no real understanding of risk as being along a spectrum or varying according to numerous factors including people's social behaviours; instead it is a technical problem solved instantly by a singular technical intervention. there's no need then to engage in larger and messier conversations about things like capitalist de/valuation of biopower, or disabled people's right or ability to participate in society. you sidestep the whole issue because you have applied the right technical means to simply dispense with the political problem. obligatory i wear masks when i have to be in public and i am boosted and blah blah but i'm under no illusion this means i can't get or spread covid (or other diseases). but more to my point here, i think this mode of thinking has dangerous consequences for all manner of social theorising that's simply answered with a lazy appeal to technological 'development' or advance---assumed to be something we can magic away if we throw enough money at pharma companies or weapons manufacturers or whoever else. what this ultimately does is stifle political consciousness and bolster the power and epistemological authority granted to institutions tasked with producing and protecting hegemonic forms. and my point here is not 'anti-science' or techno-pessimistic either; again, i am profoundly grateful for many a technological intervention into my life and i will continue to avail myself of them, including medtech. however the fantasy that problems of political and social forms and arrangements can be solved by sufficiently advanced technology is both foolish and dangerous.

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bogleech · 3 months

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for some reason, I watched the ted movies. I guess I've been stuck indoors for a long time. Anyway these are my thoughts about them:

I am forced to admit that actual episodes of family guy are funnier. There are probably more jokes that work in the worst family guy than in both Teds put together.

There are SO MANY funny gags you could do about him being a teddy bear, and they do almost zero gags about him being a teddy bear. The closest they come are mostly jokes about him being small and references to him not having a penis.

A major core of its comedy is that the whole world knows he exists and that he's only magical talking teddy bear, but "got over it" a long time and no longer finds him interesting or special. I have to say that even for the sake of an intentionally pessimistic comedy this kind of kills my suspension of disbelief.

The ENTIRE crux of the first movie is saving a relationship that's written out by the second movie just because the actress couldn't come back??? Turns out I don't even need to like these movies to find this cheap and annoying.

No but seriously even with Ted being a prick how can all these people just treat him exactly the same as a mundane human? His very existence should have upended all society as we know it. You could at least show that he's not really the very first and only magical phenomenon. Make them something rare enough to be special but not entirely unheard of, maybe then I can buy into your setting.

The only kinda funny bit to me is when the girl in the second movie sings a song and they have animals coming by like it's a disney thing but they get progressively less appropriate for the middle of a field in North America, like there's a penguin and a lobster. I will say however that I've already seen this exact same joke in other pieces of media.

Personally I think the only real highlight of both films is a few seconds of Patrick Warburton at Comic Con dressed as The Tick, you know like back when he actually played The Tick

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twistedbloodstain · 1 year

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vincent de gramont x assistant!reader: if my wishes came true it would've been you | a glimpse of the marquis.

plot: the one where the marquis isn’t so sure about you.

warnings: stalking, slight mention of violence, more stalking, staring, soft ooc marquis, invasion of privacy

masterlist

vincent de gramont. the marquis. unforgiving. determined. capable.

he is a man that exudes power by simply waving his hand or by the snap of his fingers. he does not need anyone. not when he has all the power and influence of an entire country. all he needs is himself, no one else. people are a liability, because of what we can feel for them. the moment you let them in. you start to do things that you shouldn’t, but you do it anyway for the mercurial high of their company. but in fact they don’t bring you up, they bring you down. of course, the marquis doesn’t do such practices, he can’t risk such vulnerability, if he is vulnerable then he is weak and the world be fucking damned before he let’s what he feel for someone tear him down.

a pessimist mindset. yes but why does it matter? he can’t even name someone who cares for him, at least someone who isn’t paid to do it. they don’t want his company, they want his money and power that he exercises over this world. the men want his coin and the women want the same or a night of pleasure, he might welcome that invitation if he isn’t busy enough.

there are three kinds of people in the world. those who have something to live for, those who have something to die for, and those who have something to kill for.

“oh, oh…poor vincent de gramont. who would search for him if he went missing? who would mourn his rotting corpse as it’s buried six feet underground?”

a mockery and threat of a rising drug lord when he had refused the terms of a deal. it annoyed him, as much as he didn’t expect it to get into his head. because why would he need to have that? soon he had the fool’s tongue pulled out by one of his men, he doesn’t let such insignificant things occupy his mind. but to answer his question there is one who would.

his assistant. that’s who, mildly amused with that thought. if i paid her more than enough my procession would be like the queen of fucking england. ironically, because his assistant falls into the three kinds of people and wants his money. at least she actually works for it. for once, the wages he’d given were actually worth her value, they weigh the same in a scale and he doesn’t feel forced to pay her that much because she gets the job done with exquisiteness.

when he’d first hired her, he thought she might be too good to be true. either she was a bragging and incompetent woman or a vying fusspot whose words are truthful. he doesn’t mind a perfectionist as long as she gets the job done. however good she might portray her character to him, he was still cautious around her.

this could be a calculated spy sent out take everything from me. if so, she might as well bloody think again. no one can rob me of what’s mine.

possible threats imagined or real must be carefully and quickly dealt with. so the first two months she works for him, he keeps his eyes on her. he has her followed to her home, which isn’t so bad but not really to his taste. but since she rarely gets home to manage personal matters with the endless pile of work he’s tasked her with there’s not much to be reported to him. just the mundane life of his assistant and her cat. he also has her background checked and it’s nothing malicious, truly just someone whose motives are sincere and harmless.

but it’s not enough. there has to be something. when she isn’t in her home, she’s in his mansion. the lavish and spacious place that always seems to awe her.

2:00 AM

a pair of guards open the large decorated chunky door for him, he struts through. quite exhausted from his previous affair that took several hours, something about an assassin getting out of the fold. he checks his watch and a slight scowl appears on his face, annoyed that meeting has taken too long for a good night’s sleep. he had a big day tomorrow, hordes of meetings and an opera in the afternoon. he’ll have to get up early if he wants to witness the entire spectacle.

“bring the car tomorrow around 6 AM and move the meeting with Allaire around-” vincent orders but pauses when he realizes the click of your heels were no longer heard in his ears.

he turns around and sees you motionless. you were occupied with gazing at the new painting that had arrived earlier that morning. he could sense the gears in your head turning, taking in the artistic beauty of the masterpiece. he wonders if just like him you appreciate historic works of art that preside in The Louvre or perhaps you like a more architect approach-

christ. what is he thinking, he’s not even sure of who they are and he’s interested in a pastime she might have? he swallows that thought down and buries it behind his mind.

by the sudden snap of his fingers, he snaps you out of your gaze. you face him rattled and a slight worry occupies your face when you realize you’ve been caught slacking.

“i’m so sorry sir. that won’t happen again, what time did you want the car brought?” you immediately apologize, saving your excuses from him. still bashful from the ogling you’ve done, you don’t meet his stare.

he knows you’re just as tired as him, you’ve been stuck with him for the entire day, organizing his schedule and arranging appointments. he decides to not chastise her for the momentary indolence and let it pass. although he is partly pleased you still try to keep your wits sharp and alert. christ, what in the world is he saying? it must be the lack of sleep, yes that’s it.

“bring the car tomorrow around 6 AM and move the meeting with Allaire around 7:30 AM. lastly, get up early. i have an important matter for you to attend to.” vincent says again, much more firmly this time with a harsh tone, a slightly futile attempt since his voice partly falls flat from fatigue.

“yes sir.” you answer straight away, jotting down what he just said into that little purple notebook.

he turns away from you and walks away to his room.

he has her spied in the mansion. every movement she makes in his home is reported by the guards and staff. rather unfortunate with the latter, since you’ve grown close with some of the staff and half of them inform you of your activities. what they’d reported was not what he was looking for. just filled with casual personal stuff and ventures he’d ordered you to do.

with all that extensive efforts settled, he feels somewhat assured that she won’t turn against him. now he just needs to keep her on his side, and to sense any form of betrayal that might cook while she’s in his employ. he instructs his men to halt from following her home but still let’s the staff inform him of her bustle from time to time. how does he keep her on his side? pressure and observation.

he gives her labors that are sometimes beyond her pay grade and leaves her alone to do it. it confounds her, very much. they both know this is not what they’d agreed to but surprise, surprise. she delivers as ordered, little to no flaws. he observes her reactions, to see if a recipe of hatred was cooking in the cauldron.

he keeps his eyes on you. the both of you just got out from a meeting with a drug lord that had rather difficult terms and conditions he wouldn’t agree to but he entertained them nonetheless for the sake of testing you. since the job fell on you to deliver those terms and conditions.

you keep writing down notes on that journal, he reads some of what you’ve written which are familiar to him.

“huh. still not faltering are you? i wonder when you might raise this matter.” he thought.

your posture is not as perfect as it had been when you greeted him earlier in the morning. the late night seems enough explanation for that. the inside of the car is quiet except for the engine of the car and the rustling of your pencil on paper.

ever since he started giving them to you he hadn’t heard a word of complaint. he’s not really sure what he expected. a bitch fit about how you can’t do it? a conversation about raising your salary? a rant about how he’s being unfair? he’s dubious about the result he was searching for but he should know. he is the marquis. everything must have a reason, had he expected all three so he might have a reason to fire you? maybe. but why would he fire you? you’ve proven yourself capable and competitive. there is almost no one to your like, only a fool would do that. why does he want to get rid of you for no reason?

perhaps it’s because of what you do for him. he knows you’re in it for the money but…but that unwavering loyalty you’ve offered up to him. does it mean more? or is it just something he’s paying for? an even exchange for the both of you. god, prostitutes seemed easier to handle than this, at least with them he knew their motives but with you…he can’t. you’re background is as pristine as water and everything you’ve done is to further his power. what had he done to deserve it? maybe it is true, maybe. there is no amount of money that can give that level of loyalty, even his highest paid employees and previous assistants weren’t even that good. oh, why? why,why,why,why-

why do you look at him as if he’s the rarest thing on earth? why do you follow him blindly with no hesitation? why do you listen to his words clinging to them as if it’s good as gospel?

he snaps out of his inner turmoil and notices that you’ve looked up at him. you’ve caught him staring, he’s slightly abashed because he’d been vulnerable with himself for a moment, and it’s because of you. for a minute he thought you might’ve been genuine to him, that everything you do is because you want to, not for any materialistic gain. he doesn’t show his disappointment. he keeps his face plain and cold and turns away from you, facing the window. he can see the glass pyramid from The Louvre, his mind begins to drift.

you gullible fool, there is no one in this world that can give you that. you know this-you know this. why do you still yearn for that? there are three kinds of people in the world. those who have something to live for, those who have something to die for, and those who have something to kill for and you are not one of them. no matter how much you want it you cannot be one of them. you are the marquis. you are the marquis. you must be untouchable. what you feel cannot be weaponized against you. do you understand? she does not feel anything for you. there is nothing but you and yourself. in the long run, she won’t matter. when you’ve grown more powerful than today what she’s given to you will be nothing but specks of dust.

that’s how he viewed you. after those two months, he treats you the same with no efforts that may seem arbitrary an attempt to veil what he’s felt for you. keeping it professional you might say, he screws it through his head, that he doesn’t matter to you, that it doesn’t mean more.

one day it changes.

almost two years after that car ride to The Louvre.

you take a bullet for him.

but you take much more than that.

author’s note: welp, that’s part three! i found it difficult to choose which pov for part two, idk if I should keep the marquis’ thoughts ambiguous or just throw this in. I had this dilemma in class and decided to go for reader’s pov, it turned out nice anyways feel free to share your thoughts!

taglist: @dcgoddess @1mawh0re @davvydobrik

part one part two part four part five

#vincent de gramont #marquis de gramont #vincent de gramont x reader #marquis de gramont x reader #bill skarsgard fanfiction #bill skarsgard #bill skarsgard x reader #bill skarsgård #fanfiction #one shot #john wick #john wick 4 #keanu reeves #fanfic #obsessive #yandere #bill skarsgard gif #bill skarsgard imagine

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schoenht · 1 year

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In Every Lifetime

REHEARSALS PT. 1 !

《 previous | masterlist | y/n's future as a sports announcer 》

a/n: fellas imma be real with you, we have no money, no resources and most of all, zero bitches. but we continue! remember what i said about posting more frequently ?? yeah past me was an idiot lmao ! i am rinneless once more and crying harder. tsum riddle did not come home. idk when kaveh's being released from the basement. anyways how are y'all <3

taglist: @taruruchi @idiaia @starchilll @h0n3ysgh0st @yumixxn @kalims @sakuram1nt @proximitybobomb @shiemori @imlost-sendhelp @fluffimemes @meigalaxy @eliatae @kaechannn @ravenkake @unlikelyinternetprincess @mace-tan-official @lisonwipes @lifeless-bug @random-username-idk @atl4ntxc @hyenaruggie @xingyunny @oliver-s-worlds @pyrrhicgaze @chay2 @everettelz @voreaux @yelshin @kahunap @tingerines @teamoymas @pastellepastary @mochimiyaas @i-have-a-lot-of-ocs @catgirlwannabe @sxftiebee @eccedentesiast-sapphic @bajifairyy @twisted-jamil @bre99 @sherryuki-callmeyuki @yuchanyuna @a-random-bored-person @faeryarchives @alby-rei @musclefanatica @stormyovent0aster @fangirl-d-blog @minkyungseokie

@skintights0cks @somany-fandoms-solittle-time @iameliseposts @sugarrush-blush @kalims-pessimist-bestie

EXTRA: New rule! Or update wtv you wanna call it. Regarding the taglist, PLEASE let me know if you've changed your url at all bc it will just be blank and not let me tag you! If that's the case, then let me know, I'll take you off the taglist <3 if it's blank, i may start crossing off the ones i genuinely can't tag and idk if its tumblr or the person's settings but yeah !!

#twst x reader #twisted wonderland x reader #jamil viper x mc #jamil viper x reader #jamil x reader #jamil x mc #jamil smau #jamil viper smau #jamil viper x yuu #jamil x yuu

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roo-bastmoon · 7 months

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I dunno what it means but I have a theory

Pessimists say JK is copying/stealing Jimin's style because he has no creativity of his own and he knows Jimin's look was successful.

Pragmatists say the stylists recycle looks and design brands for BTS, especially when the members have a similar sense of style or body build, and they are pressed for time with all these rollouts.

Optimists like me say JK has a say in a lot of his outfits and poses, so he might wish to draw visual connections to Jimin, creating an unspoken alignment. It may not even be entirely conscious, and it definitely doesn't connect the "themes" of their solo works.

I guess we won't know unless they ever talk about it, but at this point, there's too many similarities for it to be a coincidence.

The reason I cannot bring myself to believe that Jungkook is just copying Jimin out of intellectual laziness is because THEY DO THIS IN THEIR PERSONAL LIVES ALL THE TIME. All the shoes, pants, shirts, hats, and jewelry brands and looks they've shared over the years?? They like the same stuff.

They take the whole "I am you, you are me" thing pretty seriously, and as much as Jimin teases Jungkook for being hyung's copycat, he has never truly minded. In fact we've had proof of them recently hanging out and being just fine with one another. Whatever their status is, Jikook seem pretty good, which is heartening.

So maybe I'm looking at the world through rose-colored glasses (and I'm not out to convince anyone to see things my way), but I just get the gut sense that JK craves connection with Jimin and this is one of the ways he can do that... Or maybe he just thinks Jimin is the coolest (I cannot argue with the man).

Even if he didn't write his own songs or craft his own designs in solo era (something I personally lament--I am really struggling to connect with his work so far, I'm sad to say, but that's a comment on me, not a demand of him), staff know what he likes; he approves things and has right of refusal.

So I just tend to think it may not be a big huge hairy deal (as in, this is not couple coding; this is not proof that "Jikook is real"). Rather, I take it to mean Jikook share aesthetics and this is one of the ways they click. At work. At home. While traveling. They click this way.

It's cool if you see things differently. I could be way, way off base! But as a general rule, if you bash a member of BTS on my blog you get the ban-hammer from me without any fuss or fanfare.

Discussion is great but keep it respectful. Thank you!

And now I cannot procrastinate any more. Lunch break is over and I have to get back to work. I don't wanna don't make me I just wanna watch BTS content all day long is that too much to ask waaaah. The deadlines, they wait for no one...

#jikook #jimin #jungkook

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yakultstan · 2 months

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What advice would you give someone who is writing poetry

Hey! I definitely have a lot to still learn myself as I'm quite new to my attempt at poetry (so I’d love to hear everyone else’s opinion/writing process in the comments) but since you're asking here's my take (sorry in advance if you just wanted a one-line answer..I’m not so good with that)..

In my opinion, poetry is all about provoking emotion..making you feel something..therefore “good” poetry is subjective due to the way individuals experience life and emotions differently.. In most cases (especially writing for fun/self-expression), it’s not something that needs to be technically correct (imo) like an academic essay, rather it just needs to make you feel something, so here are my tips/step-by-step process at this current time

Write for yourself AKA make sure that you like(love even) what you have written.. don’t write with other people’s interpretation/perception in mind (as “good” is subjective and you’ll never be able to settle on anything). You’ll feel much more motivated to write if you are encapsulating your own experience as accurately as you can (it feels productive to turn your pain into something more tangible).. Write the thing that you wish someone else had written that makes you think “damn.. that is so me” if you’re able to do that I’d call it a success. (My fav pieces still make me feel something each time I read them and make me feel glad I wrote them, as noone else had). I say this because we are all human at the end of the day if you’re feeling it, there’s likely going to be another human out there who is grateful that you have so accurately been able to translate a generally indescribable feeling into words.

To be able to do the above (make yourself & others “feel”) I’d start by reaching as far down into your emotions as possible.. Everyone knows about surface-level happiness, sadness etc. but what is it more specifically that you are thinking and feeling.. or what is something that you think you might feel or do if you were to become totally unhinged.. Imo poetry isn't the place to downplay your emotions or soften your language - say the things noone wants to say, the things that are “wrong” to say, don’t hold back, allow yourself to be violent, angry, sad, toxic, or pessimistic in your writing, even if you’re an optimistic/cheerful/kindhearted person irl (people are often SHOOK regarding the strikingly different persona I portray in real life vs my writing..we are all multifaceted creatures at the end of the day).

Now you might be wondering how to put the above into actual poetry..a lot of people will just “find the words” because they are talented like that, but for the rest of us.. Controversial (whilst beneficial)I don’t think an advanced vocabulary is necessary to write impactful poetry (my vocab is shit & has barely developed since I was 10 years old cause I stupidly stopped reading books until only a couple years ago).. So instead what I personally do is I write out in as much detail but in simple language, how I am feeling/what I want to portray..like you’re trying to express something in your diary or a text message you’ll never send… At first, this is going to look like a 10yro has written it and that’s so fine because you want a clear understanding of what you’re trying to portray in your piece.. now all your related thoughts are out, attempt to rewrite it in a way that is slightly more comprehensible (usually I’ll write it in notes app so I can still have the original versions to refer back to to make sure I am encapsulating what I originally wanted) and basically rewrite a couple times until it appears more refined

Then, your original wording might be perfect as is (I would say always go with your gut feeling) but the thesaurus and dictionary are your best friend!(bless google) If a certain word kind of “ruins the vibe” of the piece and it no longer feels “poetic” just google synonyms for that word, you can even search “synonym poetic” for further options. Don’t just use any synonym though.. If you’re undecided between a couple words I would highly recommend googling the specific definition of each word and compare, because usually definitions will have a very nuanced difference and that nuance can make all the difference in being able to accurately portray your point.

Have fun with the spacing, the lines the layout, the use of grammar (idk the terminology).. utilise these things to transform everyday sentences into an art form! Don’t get caught up in the right or wrong!

Now reread, you want that poetic rhythm of some kind, a state of flow.. Read in your head, then read out loud then read with your own experience in mind, then detach your mind from your own experience and read from an external point of view if you wish! Reading out loud will help you see if it’s readable (duh) and the wording problems, whether that be needing to change word or remove a word or add a word will likely fix themselves! I personally would focus more on emotional impact than aesthetic but ideally a bit of both is great!

This seems like an in-depth process but all this usually occurs within about 5-10 minutes per poem cause I don’t have the attention span to spend any longer on it (maybe oneday I’ll actually refine my work properly lol but for now it’s just my form of therapy). You’ve got this! <3

Other random things I’ve learned

-Keep a log of specific words, phrases, sentences, ideas etc. even if not at all refined in your notes app on phone as you randomly think of them so you can potentially come back to it later! (If you don’t you’ll likely forget and never think of it again lol)

-Sometimes the most simple thought/concept to us (based on the fact it has circled in our brains for a lifetime so we are bored of it) can be super impactful & significant to others, so just write it anyway

-Go with your gut feeling if you’re tossing up any of your ideas, words, expressions

-Remember that quote “art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable ” - you’re never doing toooo much

-personally ive had to drop the academic ego and learn to be more than okay with being shit..you’ve gotta just do it and accept most the things you’ll write could be shit but it’ll mean there is opportunity that you write something decent amongst it all.

-DO NOT compare yourself to other people writing poetry cause it can be so disheartening!!!! we are our own worst critics.. just remember we are uniquely ourselves, no one else can write the way we write.

-PRACTICE!!!! But basically just do that by writing as much as you can. I know it’s always said but seriously I started writing daily 4 months ago and whilst I wasn’t actively trying to improve there is a massive difference noticed by myself and others between the quality of what I wrote 4 months ago and now.. It’ll just start to click! I write every day but some days I don’t have it in me to write a poem so I’ll just write a thought or feeling or diary entry for that day to keep the routine plus you can possibly come back to it for poetry inspo.

-fake it til you make it !!!! poetry is expression !!! anything can be poetry if you want it to be :)

-I also read not long ago that writing isn’t something where you peak in your twenties (thank god for me) but rather a lot of writers become successful a lot later in life! So this gives me a lot of hope that things can only improve! Considering I was able to improve in 4 months, imagine 4 years or even 1!!(exciting! I hope I get much better!)

-If you want to know how to be more creative, more metaphorical or a lot more visual with your poetry.. Don’t ask me.. In fact I need tips myself!! I’m going to guess it has something to do with my shitty vocabulary.. I hope that I can challenge myself to improve with this overtime as well, but for now I find it cathartic to just work with my literal thoughts and emotions. Similarly, if you want to know how write about uniquely positive experiences hmu in the future when I’m more healed but maybe not yet lol.

CONGRATS if anyone actually read through all this… you deserve an award! (let me know if anyone actually did and if it was at all helpful) I hope you can find even just a component of this somewhat helpful??!! maybe it was all obvious who knows haha but also please remember I’m not very experienced in writing poetry myself, this is just my attempt at keeping myself sane :) All my love x

Edit: as someone else mentioned.. another great tip is to READ lots of poetry written by others, this will help immensely :)

#poetry advice #writing advice #writeblr #writing tips #spilled ink #poetry #how to write poetry

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spiderbussy · 11 months

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The Hating Game

Dylan O’Brien x Reader

WARNINGS: mentions of sex, steamy moments (but no smut), swearing, lots of anger/hatred, i think that’s all??

i wrote this a whole year ago and dug it up from deep in the drafts and it’s not entirely awful so i figured i might as well publish??? also edited whilst watching some killer shark movie LMFAOO so it might be a lot worse than i think jshsjs,, quick PSA tho: i dont rlly feel comfy writing for real people anymore, and i don’t like writing smut, so whilst this is relatively steamy there’s no actual smut in it :) hopefully someone enjoys lmfao

there is also a high likelihood that i will be deleting this soon bc i am Embarrassed

Being mortal fucking enemies with your co-worker is not exactly what you envisioned your first serious acting job to entail, but no one can have everything, you suppose. Like, it makes sense, from a realistic (OK, pessimistic) standpoint that getting hired to be a main character on a popular teen TV show with little to no acting experience and the only thing to your name being an apartment you’re about to get evicted out of for not paying your bills is exceedingly lucky. Like, come on, what are the fucking odds? And everyone knows that something so good is bound to be followed by something bad. In your case, something you consider the worst thing that could possibly happen to a person, and his name is Dylan O’Brien.

First off, you know. Dylan O’Brien. Every teenage girls wet dream. He’s a conventionally attractive white guy who respects women because he doesn’t actively spit on them! (You’re not saying he’s sexist, because you’re pretty sure that’s not why he hates you, it’s just because he’s tasteless and a dick.)

Here’s the thing, though. Ever since you started this job, he’s had it out for you. Like, genuinely, he’s fucking evil and is trying to ruin your life. Why is this? You have no clue, only that you hate him back equally as much, if not more.

What really sucks, though, is that this is the guy who’s playing your love interest. At first, this wasn’t even really a problem for you (only to your controlling ex-boyfriend — good fucking riddance, by the way), but it became one when you overheard Dylan actively begging the shows head writer and producer, Jeff, to cancel that plot and then storming off like a complete and utter wankstain when he was denied.

Your character's first kiss scene has had to be filmed at least a million times by now, and the crew is starting to really get pissed off by it, which, like, fair enough, you are too, but it’s not your fault you and Dylan can’t even pretend to be romantically interested in each other for five minutes! The scene itself isn’t even the problem, you’ve nailed that, it’s the kiss. The gentle, loving kiss your characters are supposed to share, and Jeff is an asshole and every time he’d yell at you and Dylan you’d both just get more and more pissed at each other, and the kiss would get progressively more and more heated and angry with every retake.

That’s where you’re at now, bordering on eating each other’s faces (excuse you while you yack!) as Jeff yells “cut!” for the fifty-millionth time. You and Dylan instantly spring apart, awkwardly avoiding eye contact as Jeff sighs. Using the back of your hand, you wipe your mouth, only to pull it back to find blood. Literal fucking blood.

“Did you bite me, you fucking pervert?” you whisper-yell at Dylan so that the crew aren’t prone to any more unprofessional behavior you exhibit. The stinging in your lip grows more profound, and you scoff. “Oh my fucking God, you bit me.”

Dylan smirks, shrugging his shoulders as he glares back at you tenfold. He’s oozing this nonchalant smugness, and you feel more pissed at him than ever.

“How the hell was that ‘gentle’ or ‘loving’!?” you continue quietly yelling at him as Jeff talks with the rest of the crew, his hands rubbing over the creases on his forehead.

Dylan’s smirk falls, as he glares at you with incredulity, “How was pulling my hair like, five minutes ago, any more ‘gentle’ or ‘loving’?!” he spits back.

Part of you wants to admit that that was genuinely an accident, but, like, whatever. Dylan would probably take it the wrong way, interpreting it as you being kinky and attracted to him. “OK,” you say instead, “act like you didn’t moan when I did that, you freak.”

“I moaned in pain,” he argues, eyebrows scrunched and a fire in his eyes as he unconsciously steps towards you.

You open your mouth, ready to retort with another remark with the intent to insult him, but Jeff’s voice quickly cuts the two of you off. “OK, guys, it’s been a long day but we’re gonna try it again,” he breathes out, rubbing his hands together before he suddenly stops, eyes narrowing in on your lip. “Jesus, OK, what the hell, your lip is bleeding Y/N.”

“Sorry about that,” Dylan smirks, poorly feigning being apologetic. And this guy’s supposed to be an actor, Jesus Christ.

“Right,” Jeff sighs, so obviously done with the both of you as you glare daggers at Dylan, which only seems to widen his smirk. “Um, OK, so this time… Dylan, try not to eat Y/N, OK? And, guys, try not to step on each other’s feet… or kick each other… the camera may not be able to see down there, but it shows, and we cab. Um, so, both of you…. just… gentle and loving, OK? This is supposed to be a sweet moment, your characters are comforting each other…. God, OK, let’s just try and get this over with.”

Admittingly, when Jeff speaks, you aren’t even really listening. You’re trying your best to hide the fact that you’re elbowing Dylan behind your back, and he’s aggressively standing on your toes. The both of you are glaring at each other from the corners of your eyes, paying Jeff little attention.

“And, reset!” Jeff calls, the both of you getting back into position. Dylan seemingly can’t help himself, though, because he steps on your heel as you walk away from him. Fucking asshole. You curse him out in your head as you try to hide your wince and sit on Stiles’ bed. He just always has to have the last word. It’s fucking childish.

You’re not paying attention as Jeff continues to call to the crew, ready for a retake. Instead, you’re glaring straight ahead, and Dylan is glaring back. The tension between the two of you dissipates quickly as Jeff yells “Action!” though, and you pretend to be upset as tears fill your eyes. You sniffle and Dylan walks over, slowly sinking himself down next to you. There’s a palpable distance between the two of you, one that’s closing slowly as Dylan, in character, awkwardly shuffles towards you, fidgeting all the while.

“What are you doing?” your character asks, looking at Dylan (Stiles) with soft, furrowed brows.

“Uhhh,” he stutters, “I just—trying to comfort you?”

“Oh,” your character says. “Right. I’m OK, though. Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize. It’s alright.”

There’s silence for a moment, enough to be considered a moment too long, one that makes the air awkward. You aren’t looking at Jeff but you assume he’s relatively pleased, although this isn’t the part you and Dylan have been struggling with. It’s coming up, though.

Your breath audibly halters as Dylan’s tender fingers brush your hair out of your face, tucking it behind you ear. His character is closer than you thought, as you turn to face him. His fingers are lingering in your hair, coming to hesitantly cup the side of your face as you meet his gaze. There’s barely even three centimeters between your faces, and your character's eyes are flicking down to his lips constantly, as though she can’t help herself.

“Can I…” Dylan‘s charachter trails off, gulping. “Can I—is it alright if I kiss—?”

You cut him off, quickly leaning in to place a peck on his lips.

“…You,” he breathes out, his eyes widened as he looks thoroughly perplexed.

Your character bites her lip, looking down at her hands before shooting up. “Sorry. I’m—I probably shouldn’t have done that. Sorry. I’ll go.” As quickly as you stand up, though, Dylan grabs your hand.

“Don’t be sorry,” he says, and when you turn around to face him his hands are cupping your cheeks again and you’re kissing. It’s gentle and soft until his finger tugs a strand of your hair, and then all of a sudden your hands are in Dylan’s hair roaming through them and tugging and, next thing you know, you’re tonguing and Dylan’s hand is wrapped around your throat.

“OK, cut!” Jeff screeches, and the two of you practically scramble away from each other. “What the hell, guys? You were doing so well until then. I just… Let’s take another five, I guess. No, actually, screw it, we’ll pick this back up tomorrow.”

Jeff storms off, and not only are you pissed at Dylan now, you’re ashamed. The both of you have been acting unprofessional all day, just because Dylan is a fucking child. If he gets you fired… You’re gonna kill him. Fucking murder him. Shit on his mutilated corpse.

Glaring at him, you shove his side as you storm off to go back to your trailer and calm down. You need to sleep because tomorrow is an early shoot and it’s already late, and now you probably won’t be able to because you’re pissed and stressed and worried.

Unfortunately for you, there’s a pattern of thudding footsteps on the ground before Dylan catches up to you. “Jesus, can you slow down?” he rasps. “What the hell did I even do now?”

“Are you fucking serious, O’Brien?” you whirl around, only to be met with him much closer than you anticipated. “I could get fired ‘cause of your immature ass.”

“Oh, my immature ass?” he scoffs. “Do you even hear yourself?”

With a roll of your eyes, you turn around and continue on your merry way to your trailer. You want to get away from Dylan, desperately, before you end up punching him, but he doesn’t seem to be getting the hint and is hot on your heels.

“You’re the one always calling me a dick and shit, insulting me, starting stuff. I mean, I have bruises on my back from you elbowing me just a minute ago.” You’re at your trailer now, after blocking out Dylan’s ranting in your ear, but you only just open the door before he continues, “What, you mad ‘cause no one else ever dishes back what you put out? Sorry not everyone just accepts your word as gospel, princess.”

“First of all, fuck you,” you spit. You’re giving him the attention and reaction he wants, but you don’t even care. You’re that pissed off. “Second of all, me, the princess? Holy shit, O’Brien, you’re delusional. You had a go at me today because I ate the last mac ‘n cheese, even though your name wasn’t on it. You think everything belongs to you because everybody loves you. News flash, it doesn’t, and they don’t. They just suck up to you because you’re a rich white guy with an army of teenage girls behind you.”

“Sounds like you’re just jealous to me,” Dylan shrugs, trying to pretend he’s unaffected but the stiffness in his shoulders is entirely obvious. “I mean, come on, let’s be honest here, you’re used to getting everything, to being the favourite, but the moment someone else gets attention you go fucking haywire. Or maybe you’re just in love with me. You say you hate me but, come on, everyone knows there’s a thin line between love and hate.”

“Me? Love you?” You scoff, laughing aggressively. “Only one of us choked the other as they shoved their tongue down their throat today.”

“Choked you?” Dylan snorts. “You wish. I merely placed my hand in the wrong place. It was an accident, Y/L/N. You know, like you.”

“Oh, good one. You really got me there, Dyl.” The sarcasm is practically oozing out of your every pore at this point. “And your hand was around my neck. How do you accidentally do that?”

“I was aiming for your other cheek, but you were tugging on my hair so much I could barely fucking see,” he retorts.

“Oh, sure. You were aiming for my cheek and you just accidentally slipped your hand right like this,” you say, sliding your hand around Dylan’s throat to demonstrate, lightly pushing him against the wall.

“Yeah, maybe like how you accidentally kept going like this,” Dylan says, his eyes narrowed into slits as he stares straight into yours, his fingers sliding through your hair before gripping and yanking.

“I hate you,” you breathe, your gazes re-aligning. The distance between the two of you is minimal at this point, and there’s an angry hornets nest in your stomach that you blame on your insatiable anger and hatred of this man in front of you.

“Fight me,” he spits, eyes boring into yours and not breaking contact for even a second.

“Oh, you wanna fight?” You challenge, mocking him.

“Fuck you,” he spits again, violently frustrated.

“Oh, you wanna fuck?” You were supposed to say it with a laugh, but the distance between the two of you is so small, and your voice sounds so quiet, and his eyes are looking at yours like that, and it suddenly sounds so reasonable… The two of you are kissing, but it doesn’t feel like kissing. It feels like more. It doesn’t start gentle and slow, like the ones you were doing for the camera earlier, it starts violent and angry as you communicate every ounce of hatred from one body to another.

Dylan’s foot juts out, his hands sliding down your body as he kicks the door to the trailer shut. Immediately, you push him up against the closed door, hands sliding into his hair as his hands come up to cup your cheeks with vigor.

“I knew you were into that,” he groans, smirking.

“Shut the fuck up,” you retort, forcing his head back down to yours so your lips can re-meet. His laugh cuts off into a moan as you pull his hair, and he suddenly flips the two of you around, parting your legs with his foot as his hands cup your ass.

The next day, you drag yourself into hair and makeup, ashamed. You know Sam, your makeup artist, is gonna want to kill you for all the goddamn hickies on your neck. Honest to god, it looks like you’ve just crawled out a leech-infested lake.

“Jesus Christ, girl,” Sam gasps as you take your usual seat. “You get mauled or something?”

The woman lifts your hair as she peers at your marked-up neck, assessing the damage. She seems more amused than pissed off, thankfully, but it does nothing to quell your embarrassment. You just hope you didn’t mark Dylan up as much as he did you, or else someone might just put the pieces together. You do not want people thinking your standards are low enough to sleep with him—they might think you’re some sex-crazed satanist if they know you fucked the devil last night.

“Yeah, something like that,” you sigh, irritation lining your tone. It just so happens that, at that moment, the trailer door opens and in comes Dylan. Your eyes meet immediately, just as they always have done when the two of you have found yourselves in the same room. You glare, but you find it’s half-hearted and, unlike usual, he looks away and goes over to his own seat, seemingly searching for something.

Huh.

“You gotta tell me who did this to you,” Sam whistles, still in shock, apparently. “Slip ‘em my number, maybe.”

You can’t see Dylan entirely, his back half-turned to you, but you see the corner of his lips turn up as he tries to suppress a smirk.

“You know what they say about guys who put on a show,” you shrug, eyes narrowed in Dylan’s direction. He’s pretending to search for his phone still, but you saw him slip it into his pocket already. Nosey fucker. “It’s a little somethin’ called overcompensation.”

Sam lets out a loud cackle, turning to grab something out of her bag, and Dylan, done with pretending to look for his phone, whirls his head around to give you a subtle glare and a raised eyebrow, a smug look on his face like he knows you’re lying. (Which you, very begrudgingly, have to admit to yourself that you are.)

You hate Dylan. Despise him, even. More than you’ve ever hated anyone; you can rationalize why last night happened easily enough. The amount of hatred and tension and the pressure from Jeff to get that scene right all blew up. That much emotion had to be exhausted somewhere, and, well, it was. It was a blip in the timeline, some kind of glitch in the matrix, but it happened and there’s an easy explanation. What there’s not an easy explanation for, however, is why you liked it so much. Why you’re lying, trying to pretend it wasn’t nearly as good as it was, trying to pretend you’re not still thinking about how it felt to kiss him and kiss him and kiss him… There is no logical explanation for that.

In fact, it’s entirely illogical, the mushy way you feel inside when you met his eyes, covered with a glare that you wish had half the hate in it that it normally does. It’s weird and it’s wrong, because you’re not supposed to have butterflies when you think of the way his hand had caressed your face, the way he ran his fingers through your hair, the way his arms felt, wrapped around you. You’re supposed to be revolted.

He’s smug and he’s pompous and you cannot stand him, let alone stand the thought of kissing him. And yet, although you hate the fact that the thought exists, you yearn for it. You find yourself excited, even, to go to set and get yelled at by Jeff because you simply cannot help yourselves when it comes to one another. You hate it, every second of it, every second of him. You think you hate him so much you might actually love him. And with the wink he sends over his shoulder as he leaves the trailer, eyes dark as they peer at the hickies Sam is frantically trying to cover up, you think he does, too.

#dylan obrien #dylan obrien imagine #dylan obrien x reader #stiles stilinski #teen wolf #dylan o'brien #dylan o'brien imagine #dylan o'brien x reader

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elysiumblue · 9 months

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Pick a card - Who will be your future love? 😍

A fun reading to see who will be your future love. This reading is mainly for the singles but I really won't judge lmao. The definition of future love in this reading is the lover you will likely to be with for a long period of time, like at least a year.

We will explore some characteristics of your future love, and see if there is any suggestions to clear some obstacles in your way of love. Also, if you don't like what you see, you can always work on changing it, as nothing is set in stone for your future.

As this is a general reading, please just take what resonates and leave the rest behind. Hope this reading can provide you guidance for a fulfilling relationship.

👇🏻 Pick a heart you felt drawn to👇🏻

And find the corresponding reading for you below!

Pile 1

Your future love will appear in a time that you feel lost, and cannot find a focus to pour your energy into. This will be a time that you don't feel like you're doing anything at all, even though you believe you're trying really hard, or feeling extremely frustrated as you feel that you have no choice but to make no move in life.

Your future love is a person who is innovative and inspiring. They will bring you ideas, or inspire you to come up with ideas that you've never thought of before. Their appearance will bring significant help with your situation. Not only they can bring you new solutions to your situation that you feel so lost in, they are also very willing to take care of you even when you're not in your best shape. They will be there to listen to your frustrations, tolerate your bad temper, and will try their very best to bring back the happier, healthier version of you.

They are also perfectly fine with you not making any progress at all. They just love the way you are, and will never push you to make progress if you're not comfortable with. Some lovers may be in a relationship with the intention of getting financial support or some boost in their social status. Your future lover is the total opposite of this. They really just love you for who you are.

Although they are very willing to help you get out of your struggles, you have to have the mindset to be willing to get out of the struggles. It seems that they are a bit pessimistic, like they have a sad boy/girl/person vibe. So if you let yourself become a complete mess, they will probably be too scared to reach you. Even if they are willing to be with you, things just won't work out if two of you are both sad af. Also, I feel that if you let yourself lose all the motivation to get out of your struggle, the universe will make sure that you find your spirit first, before letting a person to come into your life to help you out.

It's not that you have to be 100% happy in order to meet your future love, it's really about having the will to move forward. It is very normal to feel bad when in shitty situations. It's more devastating when you don't see any methods to solve the problems in that moment. However, what matters is you have the hope for a solution, and have the determination to put in the work when a possible situation is presented to you. The universe will provide you with the resources you need to move on, which includes your future love. But you can't just wish for someone to save you and not doing anything but wishing.

Pile 2

I am very sorry to say this but it seems that you're not attracting the best partner for you with your energy right now. So this reading will probably be a warning for you and to provide you guidance on how to attract better people in your life.

I can see that you are having a very pessimistic view on true love, or just love in general for now. However, you have an urge to prove yourself wrong, or to pour your love into someone else, and you want it to happen real quick.

You will have an opportunity to meet a person that you can pour your love and energy into, but it doesn't seem that they're worth it. First, it seems that they are not loyal, and are constantly comparing you with other options they have in love. This also makes them to not be patient with you. You may have the potential to stick with them for a long period of time. However, from what I see, it will basically be a waste of time, as they will never be able to give you the commitment you want, since they're constantly looking for better person.

Second, they have toxic aggressive traits, especially when you are attracted to masculine people. It seems that they love to see people struggling and be sad, including you. So, they will sad really mean things to make you feel really bad about yourself. For some of them, they will even spread rumors about you to your social circles, so they can enjoy some drama. Some of them may not be that sadistic and may be rude due to them having a very low self esteem. But it's still not nice to have someone who will keep you down.

Also, they often make impulsive, poor decisions, but will be really mad if you don't tolerate their behaviour. Actually they don't even like it when you have opinions on their actions. They may also have violence tendencies so you should really not consider them to be your partner at all.

(Extra notes: they may be in your workplace so watch out for sus people)

Sorry for bringing up so much bad news. Now it's time to give you some advice to improve your future. Nothing is set in stone so you can always make your future better.

First, you have to really take the time to develop your sense of self. It seems that you are too reliant on others to provide you value. For example, you may think that you are only desirable if you have a romantic partner. However, such mindset makes you really vulnerable to being manipulated by toxic people. You have to work on believing that you are desirable, attractive and have high value even when you're alone. Your value comes from yourself, not from others. You have to believe that even when no one appreciates your ideas, talents, etc., they still have value. The right person that can truly appreciate you for who you are will appear in your life in the future. However, if you never appreciate yourself, no one will do it for you, and that person will never come too.

Second, you have to be patient in love. The right person may take time to find you, but they will eventually find you. You don't have to wish for them 24/7 for them to come. Instead, you should take time to improve yourself, so you will be well prepared when they finally enter your life. Please feel more comfortable in putting your energy into yourself, because the right one won't blame you for that. If you meet someone that's mad because you're working on yourself instead of giving them attention 24/7, then they're NOT the right person. They're an energy vampire that you will want to get rid of.

(From this song, I feel that the person I am describing may be your ex. If this is your case, it means that you still not over your ex. Your energy is still stuck in the past. You really have to work on moving forward, or you will be stuck in the cycle and keep meeting bad person again, and again, until the lesson is learned ☹️😞 Take time in working on yourself, instead of looking for a new person to get over your ex.)

Pile 3

Omg pile 3 your future lover is dominant af. They give me the vibe of daddy fr. (They don't have to be masculine tho.) If a dominating person is what you want in your life, then congratulations pile 3, because they're coming in full force omg.

You will most likely meet them when you cut ties with a group of friends, which is probably not good for you at all. You feel so relieved, and so confident after doing so. You feel like a winner in life and then you meet your future love, which makes you win harder 🔥🔥💯

I feel that they really treat you as THE ONE in their life. Their goal in this relationship is to marry you. If you're not into marriage, they still want them to be your last lover, vice versa.

They just want to love you and hold you in the palm of their hands. They will try their best to make sure that you will never escape them. They will try their best to provide you answers to all your questions. They will probably also work their ass off to provide you with financial stability, so you will never have to work a day ever again. I get the vibe that they really want to keep you and love you like a pet (a kitty to be specific 😭). They will even try their best on bed, so the passion will forever be there, and you will feel like the first day of love everyday. 😭 I can really see that they will literally do anything for you. The only bad thing is that they're obviously obsessive. Their love may be suffocating, so you may want to communicate with them if they're making you really uncomfortable.

There will be no secret between you two in this relationship. If you have any confusion about them, they will try to make things crystal clear for you. I can really see the minds of you two merge into one, in a good way. Also, I feel that your future love will be very attractive, charismatic, and if you're attracted to masculine, they will be really handsome and hot too. I can feel that they're really good in bed too. So energetic, and passionate. It's like they will never be tired of you. 😭😭 Man you really be winning 😭💯👍🏻🔥

#pick a card #tarot reading #love tarot reading #Spotify

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onlinekitsune · 2 months

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LET ME IN: SAEYOUNG CHOI (PART TWO)

"make your way to me through the waves"

PAIRING, GENRE, WARNINGS ─ saeyoung choi x gnc!reader, not proofread, this is mostly comfort?? kinda just on saeyoung's side sorrryyy

SYNOPSIS ─ after a bit of an argument played out, between you. saeyoung returns back inside of the bedroom. unaware that you're actually awake, he begins to talk out his feelings.

WRITER’S NOTE ─ a handful of people requested a part two of the original!! which i honored and very gratful for!! i have a hard time liking my content, so when others tell me they enjoyed it, it means a lot! i tried my best with this but, kinda lost where i was going with it. again, a bit of dialogue is taken directly from the game. (day 8/9 iirc) i hope you enjoy! and again, thank you for all your kind words and support! i know i am off and on about posting content on here, but know that your words aren't just ignored!! so erm... anyways. do you think i could do a part three lmao

Your dreams were hard to recall as you continued to lay still in bed. Perhaps that was for the better, a dream about the argument prior or even recalling happier times in the chatroom would haunt you. You took a deep breath, not bothering to even open your eyes or get up. You felt exhausted, mentally and physically. It was ironic to you how crying provided the same effects as if you were to actually do something straining. Your hand slid through your sheets, blindingly guiding you to your phone. Before you could even reach it, you hear the door creak open. You laid completely still, unsure of what to do. Footsteps gently got closer, stopping as they reached right in front of you. The sound of fabric brushing against each other filled the room. Your heart raced, not sure what to expect. But you continued to stay still.

“You’re… asleep? Good.” Seven sighed, breaking the silence. He reached out his hand, brushing against the sheets. "You’re really quiet while you’re sleeping...” The room returned to its silence for a moment. You felt him lean his upper body on the bed, only being able to assume that he was kneeling before you. “You’re something, you know? I… must have hurt you by saying all those things, but you somehow manage to still be so bright. Even now. You remind me of the 707 I pretend to be in the chatroom. You have more in common with him than… Saeyoung.”

Your face slightly furrowed, hearing his voice become soft and vulnerable. You so desperately wanted to sit up and comfort him. But, you knew that if you did he’d immediately retreat. You continued pretending to be asleep, allowing him to continue.

“Saeyoung is dark and pessimistic. His cold and complicated personality is the true me. I-I can’t wear the mask of the happy-go-lucky 707. I want you to realize that and be disappointed. I’m not a fun and cool person. I can put you in danger. So, don’t waste your feelings on me. I know telling you this won’t stop you. You’re so strange.” He continued. Hearing him talk bad about himself made your heart ache. If only he knew. If only he could see himself from your perspective. His hand hovered over yours before gently placing it on top, dissipating your thoughts. His touch was gentle, as if any friction could cause you to crumble beneath his fingers. “No, it's not you that's strange. It’s me. You’re actually… so nice and warm. You know, I… I sometimes dream about you accepting the real me. It’s a ridiculous dream, I know. But, thank you for allowing me to dream, at the very least.” His thumb brushed against the back of your hand before slipping away.

The silence filled the room again, accompanied by your heartbeat in your ears. The weight on the bed returns to how it was, as he gets up. “Please, remember in your dreams that you can’t trust V… or even me. Be less nice to me, so that when I disappear, you won’t be hurt. Don’t trust anyone, and promise me you’ll stay safe. Allowing me to protect you is more than enough. It’s more than I deserve. It’s enough for Saeyoung.” He uttered, slowly turning away from you. You snuck a glance, seeing that he was now facing away from you but stood still.

“Saeyoung.” You let out, softly. You shifted from the bed, sitting up against the headboard.

“I didn’t mean to wake you. I was just leaving-”

“Saeyoung. Please. Just wait a second.” You pleaded, looking up at him with soft eyes. He winced, hearing his name come from you a second time. He took a deep breath, and turned around to face you. He kept a straight face, but you could see the ache in his eyes. “Can we sit and talk?” You added. He hesitated, but ultimately gave in. He sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor.

“So, I can assume you heard everything?”

“I…Yes, I did. I didn’t want to pretend to be asleep but, also didn’t want you to run off.” you answered, grabbing onto your wrist. Your gaze met him as he turned his head to look at you. “Listen, I know how you feel. Pretending to be this happy-go-lucky person. I have experience with that, clearly. I don’t know how much you actually found out about me but… just know we have that in common, okay? I like yo-”

“Even if you say you like me, my life can’t embrace anything. You don’t know how it feels to live this kind of life. You shouldn’t be nice to me when you don’t know anything. The person you truly like is the 707 in the chatroom, just… forget about me. About this.” he interrupted, turning away from you. He was mere moments from leaving out the door, you felt it. And if he did, it’d return you back to where you were. In a moment of desperation, you bolted forward, hugging him from behind.

“Then please, help me understand the person in front of me…” You muttered, resting your head on his back. Saeyoung didn’t pull away, or even try to. He stood frozen, unable to comprehend what his mind was going through.

“You!” He let out, stunned. His eyes shut, slowly giving in to your affection. “Why are you doing this to me? You’re making this harder than it should. I live a dangerous life, one you don’t need to be involved in. I couldn't even protect my own brother… I have to abandon the person I adore. My life is good for nothing.”

“I’ve been through a bomb and a hacker, it’s a little too late for me to not be involved. I like the you that’s in front of me. Regardless of how complicated anything else is, I want to know you.”

Saeyoung shook his head, taking a deep breath. “Please, don’t do this. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. I… cherish you. I want to make you happy, but I can't! Why do you want to be with me when my life is so dangerous? Why do you… even like me?” He asked, his voice trailing off ever so subtly. You break off the hug, and sit beside him on the edge of the bed.

“It’s more complicated than that. I can’t give a simple answer. I just like you, Saeyoung.”

“You’re impossible. What are you going to do if something happens to you because of me? What then?”

You gave him a soft smile, before reaching out to grab his hand. He didn’t bother to stop you, or even pull away. “No matter what happens, I won’t regret my feelings for you.” you uttered, now brushing your thumb across his hand. Another sigh, and again he shut his eyes for a moment.

“I don’t know anymore. You’re so strange. I.. feel like i’m going strange too. No matter what I do… I can't seem to get rid of your feelings for me. Nothing good will happen by being close to me, you know. It’ll be too late to regret it later.” He muttered. You let go of his hand, placing it on his shoulder. You slightly tugged at him to turn. You two faced each other directly. You saw the sadness, the despair, the anguish in his eyes. Up close this time.

“There’s no way I'll regret being with you, Saeyoung.” you softly replied, gently cupping his face. He stood there, as if he was afraid to touch you. To give into the affection.

“You shouldn’t say that too easily. Ugh. I always told myself that I wouldn’t ever want to grow close to someone. But you’re making that so… complicated. I- I can’t believe you’re getting to me. Gods, what am I supposed to do now?” He asked, reaching to hold your forearms. You let out a soft breath, before leaning closer to him.

“First, just take some time and think about accepting my feelings. We can figure out the rest from there, alright?.” you answered, tilting your head slightly. You wanted to be his light, especially now.

“Alright… I’ll need some time.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll wait.”

#mystic messenger #mystic messenger fanfic #mystic messenger oneshot #mysmes fanfic #mysmes oneshot #saeyoung choi #707 mystic messenger #707 mysmes #luciel choi #saeyoung choi x reader #saeyoung choi x mc #saeyoung x mc #saeyoung x reader #707 x mc #707 x reader #saeyoung choi angst #mysmes angst #mysmes

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moonlightspencie · 1 year

Text

Speak Now

Description: You’re not usually the type of girl (gn) to barge in on a white-veil occasion… but the officiant did say ‘speak now’.

Pairing: Ted Lasso x gn!Reader

Word Count: 2.5k

(originally posted on tumblr. then posted on ao3 on 6/13/22. now posted back on tumblr because taylor swift personally attacked me with the speak now tv announcement)

You walked into the pub to get out of the cold, and to drown away any lingering hurt about the event hanging over your head.

It was tomorrow already.

You hadn’t expected all of the planning to be finished so soon, and certainly didn’t expect such a fast engagement. Part of you wondered if he even meant it when he proposed.

It all seemed… Wrong. That was what you told Beard as you sat at the table with him that night.

“If he meant it?” He asked incredulously.

You nodded. “I mean, think about it, in the whole time you’ve known him when has he ever done anything like this? With the exception of dragging us to England, that is.”

“I don’t know,” he sighed, taking a drink. “Maybe he just fell quick.”

You sat back, drinking silently for a few moments while you mulled everything over. Ted could be crazy, but going to marry someone he hardly knew was on a different level. You knew it, you knew that deep down Beard had to know it.

“Maybe I’m just being pessimistic because I wasn’t invited, but it all seems wrong to me,” you finally said with a shrug.

Beard furrowed his brow. “Not invited?”

You shook your head. “No.”

“Ted invited you.”

“No, he didn’t.”

He raised a brow. “He told me he did. Why do you think he’s been talking about it around you?”

You shrugged. “I don’t know, I just assumed it was only going to be a couple close friends.”

He dropped his shoulders, glaring at you.

“You know you’re one of his closest friends.”

“Then why am I not invited?” You challenged. “See, this is what I’m talking about. I don’t get why he’s doing this at all.”

“And you’re sure this isn’t a deeper issue for you?”

“Like what?”

“Maybe the fact that you’re just about in love with the man,” Mae cut in, picking up your empty mugs. You looked at her with wide eyes. “You’re not hard to read, love.”

You couldn’t help but laugh a little at her demeanor, even if you wanted to reject that statement with everything in you.

“You’re a real treat Mae, but in this case you need to mind yourself.”

She narrowed her eyes at you. “I’ll let that one slide for now.”

“You’re an angel, friend.”

She hummed, walking away and leaving you to the skeptical gaze of coach Beard. You looked back at him, giving him a shrug.

“Nothing will make this make sense to me.”

“Uh huh.”

He got up to leave several minutes later, leaving you to wander to a barstool to engage in some more conversation with Mae.

“You know, if it bugs you all that much, you could just sneak in and break it up,” she said with a wink.

“I am not the type of person to go barging into a wedding uninvited,” you replied with a laugh, “But, I do appreciate the suggestion.”

“They always ask for objections, and you seem to have quite a few,” she sang.

You laughed again. “I don’t know if that’d be the most appropriate response.”

She sighed. “Can I tell you something I think might help all of this?”

“Of course,” you said, leaning against the bar-top as you finished your drink.

“As obvious as it is that you’ve got some feelings hidden away for our Ted, I’ve gotta say it surprises me you haven’t seen the way he looks at you.”

“Alright, are we sure you’re not the one who’s been drinking?”

You chuckled, shaking your head at her. She smiled.

“Only one, but don’t tell anyone.”

“You’re my best friend here, Mae, who am I gonna tell?”

She laughed. “That’s my girl. But seriously, I meant what I said. Give it a thought, yeah?”

“I think it’s time for me to head out,” you said after a beat. “It’s been a pleasure as always.”

“You too, love,” she said with a smile as she waved you off.

You went home, laying in your bed and trying and failing not to think about what she’d said. There was really no point in trying to hide your feelings with how easily she’d already read you, but you couldn’t help the thought of Ted that lingered in your head.

There was no way he’d ever had a second thought about you as anything more than a friend. Right?

Ted laid awake that night, trying to think about the fact that he was supposed to be married the next day, but instead had a head filled with you.

Beard had called him a few hours prior to ask about why you hadn’t been invited. Much to Ted’s confusion, as he had certainly put your name on the invite list. Everything had moved very quickly, but that shouldn’t have effected whether or not your invite got to you.

But now, hearing you’d never gotten one, he couldn’t help but wonder if it was intentional.

You never seemed to notice, but others had pointed out in the past that he could never keep his eyes off of you if you were in the same room. If it was that easy for some folks to pick up, realization dawned on him that it might have been a tell to his soon-to-be wife. But would she have really barred such a good friend of his from their wedding?

She had her whole family coming, surely she wouldn’t object to Ted having more than a couple of his own. He wondered if anyone else had been uninvited, or if it was just you. If all else failed, Henry and his mother would be there, but he wanted his friends to be there to celebrate.

He tossed and turned the rest of the night, waking only after a few hours of sleep.

You got up the next morning, dreading the day. You wondered what Ted was doing as he prepared for his big day, and wondered who else was going to be there without you.

Against your better judgement, you sent him a text.

- ‘hey, just wanted to congratulate you on your big day. i hope you have a great time :)’

You hit send, setting your phone on your nightstand. You looked up at the ceiling, trying to get your mind onto any other subject. Though, it wasn’t long before you heard your phone vibrate with the indication of a message.

- ‘Thank you! You’re coming, right?’

You read the message, and read it again. Was this some weird power play?

- ‘gosh, i’m sorry, i’m not. i never got an invite, i didn’t want to intrude’

It was only a second before a few new messages popped up.

- ‘Intrude?! It wouldn’t be the same without ya!’

- ‘I promise I put you on the list. Seems it didn’t get to you’

Bitterness crept in, a message coming from your brain and to his phone before you could check in with your logical side.

- ‘seems more like i was uninvited by your lovely bride-to-be lol. that’s okay, i’m alright cheering you on from home’

He received your message with wide eyes, his suspicions and yours matching up.

- ‘I’d still really like to see you there, don’t think I can get through without you. I’ll send you a link to the address’

He sent the message along with the map link to the location of the ceremony. You didn’t send another message, mulling over the fact that someone certainly didn’t want you there. You texted Rebecca, asking if you could tag along with her that day if she was going.

You got ready quickly, hands shaking as you pulled on your shoes and grabbed your bag. Rebecca showed up later that day, and you took a car to the ceremony together.

“You’re being uncharacteristically quiet, love,” she said as you arrived at the destination.

“I’m thinking.”

“Uh oh,” she said, though amusement shone in her eyes. “Does that mean we get any entertainment today?”

You turned the situation over and over again in your head, losing yourself in the fantasy of standing up and interrupting the ceremony. After all, even if he thought you were insane, objecting would put off the wedding for the day. At minimum, they wouldn’t be able to marry legally that day.

You knew that was a petty thought, but after a certain point you didn’t care.

Katherine had never seemed to like you no matter how kind you were to her. You’d gone out of your way to provide her a certain level of comfort any time you’d interacted, and she always brushed it off. She had made her way to Keeley’s bad side within an hour because of it all, and that was certainly a feat to accomplish.

Though, as you attempted to converse with certain members of her family, you understood why she was the way she was: they all acted the same way. Stuck up.

You let out a hard sigh as you sat with Rebecca to wait for the ceremony to begin. She watched you, trying to decipher what was going on in your head.

“You know, you being all quiet like this worries me a little,” she sang quietly.

You chuckled. “There’s nothing to worry about.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Partially,” you said with a smile.

She laughed, grabbing your hand and giving it a squeeze.

“I wish Keeley and Roy could have made it. I think they might’ve liked seeing you do what you’re about to.”

“And what am I about to do?” You asked, eyes wide and a smile on your face.

“I can’t say for sure, but it looks like you don’t want this to happen as much as half the people here,” she whispered.

“Half is an overstatement.”

“There’s enough, I think. We’re all just too afraid to say anything.”

You paused, considering what she said. Did that many people really have concern about everything? If so, you certainly felt a stronger surge of confidence. Though, you weren’t sure if that was a good thing or not quite yet.

You waited for the ceremony to start with palms that were becoming increasingly clammy and a heart that beat faster and faster. Especially as Ted came out with the officiant. He smiled at a few guests as he came out, though he didn’t seem to notice you.

Something was on his mind.

As he walked down, he wanted so badly to search for you, but he knew he might have trouble saying ‘I do’ if he knew you were there watching him.

He knew he was probably better off pretending like they were all alone up there rather than in front of a crowd of people.

He also knew he was becoming less and less sure about what he was doing as the day went on.

Music started, the bridesmaids and groomsmen coming down. You only recognized Beard, the rest supplemented by Katherine’s family.

As each person came down, you watched Ted. Part of you hurt to see him there, but part of you found an unfortunate excitement with the fact that he didn’t look overly excited. Maybe you could do this.

You could do this.

She came down next, though you kept your eyes on Ted through it all.

He watched her float down the aisle, and much to his dismay, he didn’t feel the joy he thought he might.

The ceremony officially began, and you watched and waited with baited breath. All of the formalities began, and time seemed to slow. Your heart beat harder and harder, knowing it was coming soon.

Then, the officiant said it.

Silence fell over the room, and you waited for what felt like forever.

But then, you knew it was your last chance and time was winding down.

You stood, hands shaking, as you stared at Ted. He looked back at you, as did everyone else in the room, all of them wearing looks of pure horror on their faces.

You opened your mouth to speak, tongue going dry for a moment. Rebecca reached up, giving your hand one last squeeze of reassurance that gave you the final surge of confidence that you needed.

“I’m not the kind of person who does this. Crashing a wedding, and all,” you said with a light laugh, only Beard joining in on the laughter quietly. At least he covered his with a cough. “But, Ted, I really don’t think you’re the type of guy to marry the wrong person.”

“Excuse me?” Katherine cut in, looking between the two of you.

When Ted kept his eyes on you, she scoffed, arms crossing. You didn’t pay any mind, keeping your gaze on him.

“I— Don’t say yes. Don’t do this, Ted,” you said, almost laughing at the absurdity of the situation. “Just hear me out, think about it, you know?”

“What are you even doing?” Katherine asked again, and this time you glanced at her.

You gestured at the officiant.

“He said ‘Speak now’.”

A few laughs spread throughout the room at that, mostly from teammates from Richmond, but laughs nonetheless.

Ted still kept his eyes on you. “I— I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you’ll come with me,” you offered.

He watched with wide eyes for another moment, a small smile creeping onto his face.

“Meet you at the back door when I change?”

A wave of relief and adrenaline ran through you at that, a wide smile on your face suddenly. You nodded quickly.

He ran down the aisle, and you grabbed your bag, giving a quick kiss on the cheek to Rebecca.

“Work things out with his family for us, yeah?”

She nodded. “Of course. I’ll make sure I have a fun day planned for them tomorrow.”

“You’re my favorite, you know that?”

“I know,” she said with a smile. “Go get him, love.”

You hustled out of the building, going to find the back door. Ted came through as you reached it, smiling when he saw you there, standing in just his button up and dress pants.

He wrapped you in a tight hug when you met, letting out a breath.

“I’m so glad you were around to stop all that.”

“Really?”

He pulled back, looking at you. “Of course. I’m running away from a wedding with you, do you really think my heart was in all that, Ben Platt?”

“I’m so glad I could pull you away from it all for you to make that horrible joke,” you said with a laugh.

He laughed back, then quieted, looking at you in the eyes.

“How did you know?” He asked quietly.

“Mae is very observant,” you whispered with a smirk.

“Bless that woman.”

You giggled, though got cut short when he pressed his lips to yours. You kissed him back, butterflies erupting in your stomach after waiting forever for that moment. You separated a minute later, and he took your hand in his.

“What do you say we run away together now?”

“That sounds perfect.”

#ted lasso #ted lasso fanfic #ted lasso fic #ted lasso fluff #ted lasso x reader #ted lasso x y/n #taylor swift #speak now #songfic #i’m also in shambles bc i’m literally watching the last 5 min of mockingjay part 2 #anyways #i still haven’t finished season 3 in the slightest either #whoops #gender neutral reader

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oatmealmika · 10 months

Text

FEM! TRAFALGAR LAW HEADCANONS BECAUSE I LOVE WOMEN

a/n : sometimes i just wish law was actually written as a girl cuz DAMN

first off, CLOTHES SHE'D WEAR!!

i'm getting major streetwear/chola style vibes from fem! law

like i mean ripped up baggy jeans, croptops, hoodies, oversized t-shirts, sports bras, long clickity clackity nails (if she really wanted to but very occasionally), and of course (his? her?) their hat

she got her earrings done when she was too little to remember so it's just annoying to have to redo them every so often

i have no clue who'd do her tattoos since she most definitely wouldn't trust some sketchy guy to do them

maybe herself but i don't think that's it either

and whenever you ask her, she makes up a different story (like that one blond guy in "ratatouille" who has a criminal record)

"woke up with it" "they're stick n pokes" "this guy i knew who would only wear bucket hats" and of course "nunya"

she is half german and half mexican (may or may not be self projection with the mexican part)

i get HUGE ymir from aot vibes with fem! law

she appears rude, hardheaded, and pessimistic, but she really does care about others and does have some hope in her (wishing her crew likes her horrendous hawaiian shirts)

her music taste is rock, rap, indie dream pop (tv girl), and then sad spanish songs that slap way too hard (i'm thinking "no me queda mas" by selena, a bunch of vicente fernandez songs my mom loves to play at full volume, and "amor eterno" by rocio durcal)

def not straight i mean just look at fem! law fanart on tumblr bro like honey... and man, am i glad she isn't straight cuz GODDAMN

if you go out with her, you need to order for her pls she can't do it on her own

but she will take the bill, no excuses

i think the type of person she needs as a partner would have to be okay with silence, they have to be outgoing and fun but mature with intense situations, and yeah

plays the bass guitar and has been for years

also plays the drums but her main instrument is bass

really wants to be in a band but not really since she hates the idea of having to be nice all the time for the public

at a mall, she either hangs out at hot topic, barnes and nobles, or justice the whole time

got a bunch of piercings all over her but that's a secret lol nobody knows...

UNTIL I TELL YOU: bellybutton, industrial, conch, ear lobe, tragus, bridge, middle tongue, hip, nipple, and then a bunch of genital piercings i will not be discussing any further XD

her most used apps are photos, notes, tumblr, pinterest, depop, and....... ao3

OKAY OKAY as hard as it might be to believe this, this is NOT self projection it is TRUTH

she doesn't religiously read fics or anything, just occasional oneshots about her nerdy crap when she's bored or something

my girl out here reading her "sora, warrior of the sea" 10k+ fics 💀

if you take her home to meet the family, at first they'll be thrown off by her intimidating looks, but soon enough they'll realize what a little loser she is! the cutie patootie she is <3

LOVE LOVE LOVES cringy 70s/80s/90s movies (think "grease", "the princess bride", "pretty in pink", "10 things i hate about you", etc.)

she doesn't know why. she hates the dumb stereotypes and all that stuff, but she just can't help it! she's so real for it too

idk why but i feel like she'd LOVE spiderman???? like as an obsession?

she is pretty normal about the live action movies, it's just SPIDERVERSE THAT MAKES HER GO CRAZY

she also wants to be good at art but never has motivation to do it

she def has an upside down smile (that what it's called? i think of it more as a "oh that's cringy look and stare y'all" smile)

is she scrawny? muscular? i can't decide honestly. like yeah guy law has some brawn, but he is still a pretty lanky guy, so that's why i see fem! law as a lanky chick. but i love muscular women... goddamn she is just lanky. she obviously has some meat on her bones, but not much.

that being said, i don't think she's very curvaceous either (let's pretend oda didn't draw her the way he did). she is no doubt an a cup, and while her butt is fairly larger, she's still pretty flat.

she also only ever wears sports bras since she thinks regular bras are uncomfy and a hassle.

for a va to replace masc! law's, i would say for japanese romi park. for english, i'd say either trina nushimura or elizabeth maxwell.

for one piece live action, i would want like zendaya as fem! law 😭 aye anything for queen zendaya

only bepo knows this, but she wears socks and sandals on sundays no fail.

has a tattoo somewhere of bepo's name inside a heart with an arrow through it (think those tattoos that tough guys get, with instead of bepo, "mom" is what's written)

fem! law still wears ugly ass hawaiian shirts, don't get it mixed up ✊

that's all for now :)

likes and reblogs are appreciated <3

have a good day!!

#one piece #one piece fanfiction #one piece imagines #trafalgar law #trafalgar d water law #op law #fem trafalgar law #law x reader #trafalgar law x reader #one piece headcanons #trafalgar law headcanons #law headcanons #genderbend #she's so real #pathetic loser

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painted-bees · 5 months

Note

"Lacey and Raf brought out the worst in each other" you mention that they snarked about other people and each other. The sketch of them give bad vibes. Was Raf kind of a dick before he met Lacey? Or did he just act like a dick to impress her?

Hm lmao

Before meeting his Uncle, and before his diagnosis, Raf maintained a very...pessimistic opinion of people, and read a lot of negative things into people's behaviors and words. Largely informed by his experiences throughout his childhood. Typically, he kept his thoughts to himself, unless something really triggered a defensive outburst. He didn't engage in gossip out of fear that it'd be used against him. He believed that he ought to be nice/kind to people--for the sake of appearances, to avoid being talked about behind his back, to win trust, and because he would have liked someone to exercise kindness with him. But he himself could (and often would) find a personal slight against him in anything anyone did around him. And he'd keep track of it for himself. It was a score he tallied only for his own reference, and would affect how he interacted with people.

To anyone who knew him better than an acquaintance (which was to say--not many), undiagnosed Raf was a very quiet, very mercurial sort who could occassionally grow very upset, very suddenly, over seemingly nothing at all. To anyone else, he was a charming glad hander who could work and room and was very entertaining to be around, unless he Didn't Like You. In which case, he'd quietly, subtlely shoulder you out of his life, usually via passive aggressive means.

Then he moved to Vancouver, met his Uncle Bill, realized there was something really very wrong with himself, and reluctantly got his formal diagnosis. Around the same time he was diagnosed, he started dating Lacey.

Him and Lacey got on real fast, largely because Lacey seemed to get him. She had come from similar hardships regarding exploitative, controlling parents, and had bucked against them at a much earlier age. She agreed with Raf that everyone was just out to get their pound of flesh from everyone else, and knowing that--made people exhausting to deal with. The two of them bonded over their similar traumatic experiences and their shared bitter outlooks...and they began finding small validation in sharing their thoughts and observations with each other about the world around them--the thoughts and observations that were mean and cruel, that they had kept to themselves up until they found each other. Thoughts and observations that were often based on vibes and gut feelings more than anything that was actually observable. And they'd agree with eachother's negative verdicts and poor opinions, because it felt good.

But--being with someone who tells you just how poorly they think of everyone else...quickly gets you wondering if they think poorly of you, too. Or, at the very least, it makes you want to ensure that you never do anything to win their negative judgment. Avoiding anything that they deem as stupid or tacky or embarrassing, and so forth.

Anyways, therapy ends up being pretty good for Raf, and over the course of two years, he does start curbing these behaviors and monitoring his thoughts more strictly. And as he does this more and more, Lacey finds him more and more annoying to navigate. Raf begins to take on a more mediating voice when it comes to indulging critical/snarky observations and remarks, and Lacey begins to feel like he's kinda turning on her and growing weird and distant. That, as well as a handful of other things, gets them fighting a lot more...and more passionately. They've always had pretty bombastic yelling matches from time to time, but it becomes a near daily occurrence during the final year of their relationship. By the time they break up, Raf has already decided on the kind of person he wants to be, that he doesn't want his PD to be his personality and has been making steady strides towards that goal.

So to answer your question, I am not really sure! He's mentally ill and has been doing his best this whole time.

For that matter, so is she. But Lace wouldn't receive her diagnosis of BPD until finally seeking therapy to deal with the aftermath of her bitterly traumatic relationship with Raf.

#hi-note #Rafael

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