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identitty-dickruption · 10 months

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recovered; present tense

I’m relearning how to be safe; how to be a person in a world where I don’t wake up in the middle of the night with a pounding heart, my hands don’t shake every time I leave the house, and my eyes don’t search for threats whenever something moves in my periphery. Nobody tells you that safety is something that requires practice. That is, nobody tells you until you end up spending the best part of your life in trauma recovery.

After all this time, “trauma” still feels like too big of a word for what happened to me and around me and through me. Trauma feels like a word reserved for veterans. For people who have returned from war, or at the very least some kind of “real” violence. It doesn’t feel quite right to describe my experiences as traumatic, when so many others have been through so much worse.

After all this time, “trauma” feels like too small of a word for how shattered I have become. It can’t even come close to describing the way that survival became my entire lifestyle. It’s such a little word for such a massive change in my world. Two syllables, six letters, and a lifetime of pressing my back against the wall so that nobody can come up behind me. It doesn’t feel quite right to describe my experiences as traumatic, when so many others have been so much more fortunate.

I’m relearning how to be safe. Now that many of the physical symptoms are gone, I almost feel a kind of post-trauma trauma. I almost need a new kind of therapist to teach me how to have a personality again. I can’t go back to being the pre-trauma version of myself. They’re long gone. It wouldn’t feel right to reimagine myself as the kind of person who never went through trauma in the first place. I’ve discarded everything from the hobbies I used to love to the music I used to listen to. They were discarded when my entire life became recovery, but even now that I’ve “recovered”, well… That skin doesn’t fit quite right anymore.

The days seem to stretch out for kilometres. Every moment feels endless when you don’t know who you are anymore. In trauma recovery, I learnt to live a values-based life. But a list of values doesn’t bring me any closer to knowing who I am. I carefully type some words into Google.

How do I know who I am?

List of personality traits

Personality quiz

None of it seems to help. Every question on the personality quizzes seems to beg for a degree of insight that would solve the very conundrum that led me to the quiz. I don’t know if I prefer being around people or being alone, because that decision was informed by trauma for so long. I don’t know if I prefer to be organised because organisation keeps me safe, or because that’s just how I am. Every question opens up a million more questions that I don’t know if I’ll ever have the answers to.

I’m back to sitting on the outside of my own body. Dissociation. I think through the list of activities I’m supposed to do when something like this happens. Deep breaths. Counting the number of things I can see of each colour of the rainbow. Squeezing my own arms to remind myself that I’m real. Nothing immediately returns my brain to my body, but everything helps a little. Maybe I’m not quite as recovered as I thought. Or maybe recovery means learning how to make my trauma a smaller piece of my mosaic. Maybe I’ll always feel it to some degree, just slightly less sharp with each passing year.

I respond to a meme one of my friends sent me.

I check my calendar to make sure there’s nothing I’m supposed to be doing right now.

I strap my dog into her harness.

We walk.

I’m relearning how to be a person again. Walking through my neighbourhood with my dog provides more lessons than I expect. The sun is bright. The wind is cold. I guess it must be just past three, because kids are hitting the streets from the direction of the local school. They smile at my dog, and I smile back. I let a small group of the kids pat my dog. They thank me, and I wish them a good afternoon. These kids have no reason to doubt that I’m a person. And maybe that’s all that matters right now.

#trauma #recovery #identity #creative non fiction #writing #writblr #trauma recovery

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notumbusbumbus · 6 months

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Blink

Notty Bumbo

It is said often, “if you blink, you’ll miss it.” A whole life can rise and fall in such a blink. Entire forests can enclose a child, and when their eyes open again, they find themselves lost in a city, older and far less wise. Their bones ache in the press and growl of traffic, but every night they dream they walk in open fields, stunned by how much of themselves they’ve lost.

How many blinks I’ve had, I’ve lost count, so many missed voices, faces that have receded into the muffled draperies of time. Yet who I am is bound into the mesh of accumulated moments, noticed or forgotten. I have understood the lie of the Irish, when giving directions – “ya can’t miss it.” One can. One does. It is easy to become unstuck in time, witness memories shaved by Occam, to an unruly stubble.

All those people who have entered and exited the portals of my existence, as I have theirs, how little residue of their being remains attached to my bones. I leave my house every day, return as someone else, who knows different things in stranger ways, with a spirit that must be rediscovered in all the finite breaths I take. I am someone, as are you. This demands too many answers, however, for an unending cascade of questions beyond comprehension.

In a blink, a fractal, an unending spiral, we like the Universe possess a trajectory. A movement coupled with a frequency. How our beings formed remains up for debate – there is no easy answer. Is this flesh a mosaic, like our mind? What is the DNA of experience, truth and lie, love and ruin? What part of this spirit has been tortured by time, depositing us in this overly folded now? You begin to see my dilemma – there is no answer without a proper question.

So many have entered and exited my life, and all were affected by the same disorder – the happenstance of existence. I keep trying to see how my bones were formed, my tangled journey out, beyond the brief screen of time allotted. No matter how elegantly I perform the dance, I stumble, exceed the angle of repose, climb dunes at the shore of forever. I have no other plans, so I keep making them.

And still, I can’t stop blinking, no matter how hard I try.

#elloon #poetry #prose poetry #writers and poets #my poem #poemsociety #poems and poetry #poets on tumblr

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mischief-lies-and-stories · 9 months

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Loki Season Two Trailer Thoughts

So the Loki season two trailer just came out!! I’m being a hundred percent normal about it, and I did not get road rage multiple times on my drive home because people were going too slow and I wanted to get home to watch it, and I did not watch it in my car while muttering to myself, because I am a fan of Loki a normal amount. Anyway.

While I’m sure some of my initial thoughts, theories, and opinions will change the more I watch it, if we get more trailers or sneak peeks, and once the season actually premieres, I want to compile some of the things I’m thinking with this first real look at the season.

First off, I still desperately want to know if this is the Mobius from the end of season 1 who didn’t know who Loki was, whether because the timeline got fucked up or Sylvie accidentally sent Loki to an alternate universe, or if Loki found his way back to the original Mobius (or Mobius got his memory back).

Is this adorable cinnamon roll named Hobie? They are so cute and I hope they’re in the show more than Casey was, who I also loved.

I don’t want to turn this into just a blow-by-blow, reaction to every second of the trailer, but holy shit Sylvie what the fuck did you do when you killed Kang???

So Hobie (I still don’t know if that’s his/their name) says it’s impossible to time-slip in the TVA. Does that mean the TVA is on the Timeline now because of what Sylvie did? Or is this TVA, the TVA from the finale, on the Timeline because it’s an alternate TVA? If that’s the case, then when we see Loki see himself in the past (his past) maybe he’s not only time-slipping but universe-slipping. (And also he does his hair flippy thing like three times and it’s everything.)

I think know this Piranha Powersports business he shows up in front of, but I can’t think of how at the moment. I’ll need to look into it more. BUT THERE’S JET SKIS SO NOW I’M THINKING WE MIGHT SEE PRE-TVA!MOBIUS HERE!!!

I wonder if he’s slipping into Sylvie’s past too.

I’m looking forward to see what people think about the pruning stick on the mosaic of the Time-Keepers shot, because I’ve got nothing at the moment.

Okay, so my theory about the Quantumania post-credit scene was incorrect. They’re not in Victorian England. They’re in either 1893 Chicago or 1904 St. Louis, because they’re at a World’s Fair with a Ferris Wheel. (I’m furious they’re eating popcorn, because there are plenty of foods that could have placed them squarely at specific world’s fairs, but popcorn is old news by 1893. However, it has been established that I’m a nerd who sometimes fact checks things, and in looking up the history of popcorn, the wiki says, “Popcorn accessibility increased rapidly in the 1890s with Charles Cretors’s invention of the popcorn maker. Cretors, a Chicago candy store owner...” (”Popcorn,” Wikipedia, emphasis added by me) So they might be in Chicago. And I have more thoughts for why they might be in Chicago.)

MORE MAGIC MORE MAGIC WE’RE GETTING MORE MAGIC THANK GOD

That guy that I think is attacking Mobius? The one Loki finally uses magic to rescue Mobius from? He’s being damn obvious, way too obvious for his usual methods, but I still think it’s the Devil in the White City, the infamous serial killer HH Holmes.

Good lord Mobius please tell me you didn’t put that pie in the microwave. That is meant to be cold. Also, ugh, one piece, two forks, damn you! Do I have to teach you how to flirt? You don’t want lessons from me, I promise you. (I’m sorry, but we all knew the lokius was going to come out somewhere on this post.)

I feel like I should know the movie on that marquee but I do not. That’s what post-trailer Buzzfeed listicles are meant to teach me. But...is that...B-15 in her past?? Are we finally explicitly getting her backstory too?!

(I know I’m skipping whole shots but I don’t know what to say about them at this time, I’m sorry.)

So there’s an outside to the TVA? And the outside of the TVA is just nothingness space except for the Sacred Timeline, which looks like the router or whatever from Wreck It Ralph 2 before they get to the main hub of the internet? It looks like one hell of a cable problem. It looks like something a certified electrician would take one look at and be like “You’re fucked. I suggest you move before your house burns down.” And Mobius is going out there just strapped to the vacuum hose with Mark 0 of NASA’s spacesuits with the face plate duct taped closed? THERE’S ANOTHER SUIT RIGHT BEHIND HOBIE, USE THAT ONE! Mobius, did Loki accidentally take the brain cell with him when he time-slipped? Okay, I’m done.

Wait now I’m not so sure the guy at the fair was Holmes. Why would they have taken him in? Because I’m pretty sure the guy Loki’s knocking to the ground (or maybe doing the mini-time-travel thing on from episode one, it’s hard to tell) is the guy that attacked Mobius. Is he a Loki?

The silhouettes of Loki and Sylvie’s horns against the wall is cool as shit, I want that painted on every wall in my house.

Is that Renslayer with the thing?

But the doctor is B-15. Are both of them B-15 (the woman in gold looked similar, that’s why I thought it was her), or are we getting another badass character? Girlfriend for Sylvie, maybe?

CASEY OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED IN YOUR PAST

I think that’s Renslayer in the Victorian garb, but man I’d love it if it was Mrs. Sharp from Where Mischief Lies, even though we’re not in England.

“God of Mischief” not God of Lies, not God of Evil. Hell. Yes.

I’m trying to figure out where he is when he’s fighting the hunters. At first I thought he was in the Norse wing of the British Museum (or something to that effect), where he meets Theo in Where Mischief Lies (I’m desperate for an easter egg, I’m sorry). But I’m pretty sure those are not Viking longboats. My best guess is he’s still at the world’s fair, but I don’t know where Mobius is or why the TVA is attacking him now. BUT WE’RE GETTING MORE MAGIC!

Disappointed Mobius didn’t know which was the right Loki. Still excited for more magic though!!!

Is that the Titanic?

It’s Chicago.

Who is this fucker in the box? I want to know right now!

Oh good, Mobius is wherever the hell they are with the boats.

68 days. I am going to lose it.

#loki #loki tv show #loki season 2 #loki season 2 trailer #loki season 2 trailer spoilers #loki season 1 spoilers #mobius m mobius #loki theories #sylvie laufeydottir

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geryone · 1 year

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hi friend, hope u don’t mind me asking u so many things but the lights r off and twenties r noisy and life seems to be blurring by despite the stillness of my room. i’ve cut off most of my social ties for the time being and i hope it’s ok for me to knock on ur door. so if u don’t mind me asking— how do u define the line between mediocrity and giving up? is it alright to value ease over grades? when did u stop saying ur favorite color was blue�� or was it ever? what if you develop a hatred of ignorance but know absolutely nothing no matter how hard you try?how many tries are too much? how many tries are too little? and is it wrong to live quietly? and is it wrong to love quietly? what does it mean when i want to be fully seen and unrecognized at the same time? is being insubstantial a defeat or a power? if i am learning how to be human through fiction, does that make me a mosaic of the intangible? is over indulged solitude a form of self betrayal?

the world feels like its ending and it’s only me.

anyways, friend, im srry abt this late visit. u probably alrdy kno this given how much u read but today in my latin class i learned that desiderare is translated in english as to desire. but the core word of that word, sidera, translates to stars. the literal translation is to ask the stars, and i thought that was so lovely and beautiful and devastating and i must be losing it because language is enough to break my heart.

thank u for being my diary tonight, i hope ur night is quiet n gentle n all things kind

You are always welcome to use my little ask box as a diary ❤️ to address only a few of your many questions I’m a big advocate for not making life harder than it has to be. I don’t believe in mediocrity & I don’t think deciding to give up on something is negative. I’m 27 & I don’t think I’m all that wise but if the last couple years has taught me anything it’s that it’s okay to take your time making your way through life & that simple and ordinary things bring me great joy. I used to believe that if I didn’t achieve all my goals during college I was a failure & my life was over. Now one of my greatest joys is getting up in the morning and knowing that my day will be boring. I love the monotony of my current life and I love silently loving the people and the world around me. If all I ever do is read a few good books and sit in my apartment with my cats, I know that will be enough for me. I don’t think I could possibly answer all your questions but I hope that you’re able to find peace & accept that it’s absolutely okay to do what is best and easiest for you and you’re not a failure for wanting an easy life

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5sosfanfictioncatalogue · 7 months

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Michael-centric Masterlist

am i broken (are you the saviour) (ao3) - jbhmalum T, 4k

Summary: He should do something. Maybe take a deep breath, in and out. Maybe turn on the bedside lamp. Maybe go lie down on the cold bathroom floor. Maybe bury himself under Calum’s covers and cuddle up to him; it probably wouldn’t even wake Calum, and Michael would get the comfort he needs.

Michael hears something he didn’t want to and has a hard time dealing with it.

Fucking Jerks (ao3) - orphan_account OT4 E, 37k

Summary: "Okay, who cums first loses, and owes a blowjob to the winner. Correct?" Calum raises his brows: "A blowjob now, huh?" "Well, a dish fit for a king," Michael replies.

Or: Ashton bids a Jerketition and who is Michael to refuse...? (Includes the winner+loser spin off)

I Don't Wanna Be a Monster Among Men (I Won't Break Your Heart Again) (ao3) - Anonymous OT4, Michael/Ashton M, 2k

Summary: Ashton’s hand moves to finger Michael’s fringe. “It’s okay, honey,” he interjects, whispering. “If you want, I can listen and not talk. No pressure, though.”

Michael contemplates but nods slowly. He takes another blow of his joint and observes Ashton lighting his own before speaking. “I’ve been doing a lot of research on it lately. I don’t know how to tell people because they,” He pauses to sigh again, “wouldn’t get it.”

(Or where Michael isn't really Michael but struggles with telling his partners.)

I'll look after you (like I've never done before) (ao3) - anykindofgal N/R, 6k

Summary: No one had heard from Michael in a few days. No texting, no calling, no hanging out. They had their own lives and things to do, they understood that much. Only, they all stayed in touched with Michael through the power of memes. But it had been four days, to be exact, and Michael hadn't texted anyone in the group even one meme. Calum decided to text his friend, and if they hadn't heard anything back by the next morning, they were going to his place to check out what was going on.

So, the next day around noon, the three boys arrived at Michael's place.

((in which Michael gets sick and the boys need to care for him))

July (So Happy I Could Cry) (ao3) - valiantnerd (arareads) OT4 T, 2k

Summary: As they lay together and the sun starts to come down, all Michael can think of is about how fucking cute they probably look from above. Turned in a naturally happening mosaic by the light filtering through the leaves above them, painted in glowing hues by the sleeping sun, bleeding love from every inch.

Michael's boyfriends are dumb and far too in love with each other. They're also having a picnic.

Just Fake It for Me (ao3) - calumthomases (orphan_account) OT4 M, 1k

Summary: So, Michael Clifford doesn't have as huge of a dick as everyone assumes.

Lucky Charm (ao3) - jbhmalum Michael/Ashton, background Luke/Calum E, 28k

Summary: during the european leg of the rowyso tour, michael is pining after ashton, and he finds himself on an interesting journey with luck

Luke is absolutely clueless (but Michael loves him anyway) (ao3) orphan_account Michael/Luke, OT4 G, 2k

Summary: Michael tries and fails to propose to a hopelessly clueless Luke.

Mamihlapinatapei (ao3) - merlypops michael/calum T, 2k

Summary: 'Michael remembers sitting in the cafeteria at school and gazing at Calum with such fondness and feeling a jolt of shock when Calum returned the look just as warmly, and Michael remembers wondering vaguely when they stopped being brothers and started being something else instead.'

Michael falls in love with his best friend and it feels like being torn apart.

Mia (ao3) - SinisterMind Michael/Everyone T, 4k

Summary: He googled it. Googled what he felt like and was satisfied with the result. The itch was still there but at least he knew what was causing it.

Oh, how the tables have turned. (ao3) - Abbypd

Summary: Or, Michael is known for his sexual innuendos and then his roommates find out he is a virgin. The boy should've known that what comes around, always goes around.

Puzzle Pieces (ao3) - allsassnoclass (brightblackholes) Michael/Calum T, 19k

Summary: Michael has wanted a soulmate ever since he first learned what the blue on the back of his mother's neck means. This is the story of how he gets three, and how he figures out what that means to him.

Smile for Me (ao3) - valiantnerd (arareads) T, 1k

Summary: Ashton’s smiling too, there’s probably nobody in this fucking carpet who isn’t, but he doesn’t look cagey and cornered in the way Michael feels. Ashton’s always been all high-cheekbones and wide smiles that creased the corners of his eyes, while Michael has always felt like a slab of lard slapped on a plate; nothing appealing about it.

Michael fucking hates red carpets.

the best thing that ever happened (ao3) - citiesbelow OT4 E, 4k

Summary: OT4 anniversary sex in which they all spoil Michael as much as they can!

Three Weeks (ao3) - plantsaway Michael/Luke N/R, 22k

Summary: The baseball!au no one asked for! Michael Clifford is in his rookie season in the Major Leagues—he's found the place wants to stay for the rest of his career, found friendship and brotherhood with his teammates....and really, who wouldn't love 5sos hanging out in baseball pants?

Torn Up - @daydadahlias (cornflowerblue (daydadahlias)) T, 8k

Summary: Ashton can pretend all he wants, but Michael isn't an idiot; he knows when something's wrong.

we're just taking it slow, we're taking the long road home (ao3) - Bethany_i_made_bIScuiTs OT4 N/R, 5k

Summary: 3 times Michael feels like he's home and the 1 time he says it

You've got no hips to shake (ao3) - maiamaryse Michael/Luke G, 1k

Summary: The walls of the room are green, and everyone inside it knows that Michael is not a boy.

#5sosfanfictioncatalogue #5sos fanfic #5sos #5 seconds of summer #michael clifford #michaelcentric #michaelcentric masterlist #masterlists

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archived-abyss · 2 years

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Forgive me, for I am scared of the dark

I don’t mean to run away from this feeling

But it’s so hard to keep around

Forgive me, please.

I wish to see the light you see

Not the dimly lit candle that I hold

I want to see the one that illuminates inside of you

Is that so much to ask?

Does this mean I’ll have to show you my candle?

How can one candle compare to a fluorescent blaze

Do you think my candle is still enough?

Forgive me, if it tunnels

I promise the wick is still ablaze

How does it feel to have a passionate source of light?

Forgive me, for the flickering

My burn time seems to have reached its max

Can I still see your light source even if I lit a tea light for a little while?

#Plato #yearning #yearncore #i want you #i am a mosaic of all the people i’ve loved #candles #candlelight #what is this #poetry #young poets #writers and poets #allegory #features #philosophy of love

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alectology-archive · 1 year

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This covers chapters 6, 7 & 20 mostly, and in a very small measure chapter 5, too:

I lightly skimmed the egwene pov - I definitely remember why I got such gay vibes from her and avi.

also I was definitely not misremembering why I enjoyed the series so much for all its flaws - I really didn’t vibe at all with sanderson’s writing style and his priorities - which are on the opposite spectrum of RJ’s priorities (and my priorities!). every dialogue exchange is purposeful and pulls its weight with characterisation and character development; RJ also manages to do a shit ton of worldbuilding in every other passage, and does such a great job of immersing you in the setting and the culture he’s currently writing about. I really missed his writing style - but the joy the books brought definitely wavered while I was reading CoT, I think, because you could tell that the series was starting to really drag at that point. I was thinking of rereading the series only up to book 8* next year, maybe, but I’ll probably try to extend it up to book 11 because I don’t remember those last 2 books very well.

*in another post I said I’d advice people to stop reading the series at book 12 - but that’s still a very long way to go so I think book 8 feels like the better stopping point since it’s midway through the series. I mostly say that because it ends on a high point for every character except mat, but mat doesn’t have any high points after book 8 until book 9/11 anyway. rand understandably faces the consequences for ignoring the black tower at the end of the book and I feel kind of bad about negating his accomplishment at the ending of book 9, but getting into book 9 would mean immersing yourself in new plot angles for elayne, egwene (off-screen) and mat. (book 7 is also a valid cutting off point but TPOD is short, so. you could as well read it anyway, tbh.)

anyway. back to the book.

Striding to the center of the room, he planted himself atop the mosaic there, the ancient symbol of the Aes Sedai, ten feet across. It was an apt place. “Under this sign will he conquer.” That was what the Prophecy of Rhuidean said of him. He stood straddling the sinuous dividing line, one boot on the black teardrop that was now called the Dragon’s Fang and used to represent evil, the other on the white now called the Flame of Tar Valon. Some men said it stood for the Light. An appropriate place to meet this attack, between Light and darkness.

rand fully has a thing for theatre and performance and silly little symbolisms that matter to him alone - we also see it when he picks jeade’en’s name, puts callandor back in the stone of tear, starts carrying around the seanchan spear to remind himself of the threat they pose, etc. his middle name is drama, and I love it that he chooses to do some of these things purely for himself. it’s such an interesting character thing. he’s also a nerd (affectionate).

darkhounds are as big as ponies???

oh he’s channeled balefire before? I’ve forgotten the details, but I somehow thought he first used the weave in TFOH - was it in TSR/TDR then? Hm, I don’t think so - I’m inclined to believe it was lews therin’s memory making him misremember stuff because I remember rand using balefire and its consequence and benefits being a major theme in TFOH.

from rand’s POV there’s definitely a lot more affection and concern for mat than it seemed like there was in mat’s POV! he also seems a lot more boyish than he did from mat’s perspective, obviously - and once again I’m delighted by how RJ does POVs so well. the problem is, rand is growing colder & more distant and mat is increasingly finding it difficult to parse out his friend in the midst of everything - mat’s question to rand, constantly, in this book is, “Won’t you stop me from leaving? Won’t you ask me to stay? Will you just be sorry to see me go and not do anything about it?” and rand’s answer is, “I want you to have a chance at not being trapped by fate like I am so I’m not going to stop you from doing what you want.” He doesn’t realise just how subtle and reserved mat is with his affections. I think mat is generally very embarrassed by the thought of being affectionate with people he actually really cares for - but he doesn’t mind being easygoing with random strangers - and I relate to that, lol. I get it. But rand has very demi vibes for a reason - he needs people to be more communicative because he never makes the first move + he also has that “I’m the dragon reborn and it’s better for everyone if they don’t want to be friends with me even if I’ll miss them” thing going on.

I was also maybe wrong about rand seeming cold and distant in mat’s POV because he probably mostly sees the leader in him, the more I think about it. I think rand seems cold because he’s consciously choosing to front an emotionless part of him even in front of mat. the same thing happened with moiraine and egwene - and I’m honestly blown away by the number of times we see rand try to maintain an expressionless face/remain cool/look calm and composed/try to give away as few emotions as a rock etc. it’s a lot!

Not only a friend. Another ta’veren, and perhaps a key to victory in Tarmon Gai’don; anyone who wanted to strike at Rand had reason to strike at Mat, as well. But Mat always tried to deny both things.

so…. yeahhh. the loops and holes mat jumps through to hide his personality and feelings really does a number on the people around him.

“You watch your tongue with me,” Moiraine told Mat, getting up, “or I will find Nynaeve and put her in charge of you.” But her heart was not in it; she could have been talking in her sleep. She was trying not to stare at the foxhead as Mat hung it back around his neck. “You will need rest,” she said absently. “Stay in bed tomorrow, if you feel like it.”

Mom! antagonistic mom-son relationship! also further confirmation that moiraine likes nynaeve even if the latter dislikes her - I just really hated nynaeve’s weirdness around lan and her trying to get him to choose between her and moiraine while reading the books? a platonic warder relationship shouldn’t count as competition with a romantic relationship. I’ll see how I feel when I reread those stuff next year - as much as I love the wondergirls, I think egwene’s character suffered because of her romance-heavy plot & nynaeve’s hate of moiraine seemed to descend into caricature levels of weird in the first few books. I’m not sure how RJ went from writing such a great platonic relationship between moiraine and lan to feeling the need to insist that romantic relationships should necessarily involve warder bonds.

rand asks the maidens to give mat some space and also admonishes them about essentially not respecting their boundaries - fair! but also he’s fully referring to how the baby him indirectly. let them baby you, rand.

“Maybe I’ll ask if I can borrow it from him.” He turned away from her. There was still one he had to check on, though one way or another the urgency was gone; the Darkhounds would have done what they intended by now.

I didn’t get it then, and I don’t get it now - if I were rand I’d be anxious to figure out if the only person capable of teaching me to channel was dead! maybe the logic here is that rand doesn’t mind if one of the forsaken dies, but also… this passage just goes such a long way in showing us rand’s true priorities - he really, really cares for mat. I miss the road trip and I hate that I didn’t finish rereading it before I stop my teotw reread.

(like obviously, a best friend is always a greater priority than a useful enemy, but that shouldn’t have stopped him from immediately checking on asmodean anyway)

[Moiraine to Rand] “I have given my entire life to the search for you, to find you and help you.”

Yeah, this was the line that fucked me up while reading the books! moiraine really did sell her life away to finding and guiding the dragon reborn, at great personal risk. in the end, siuan paid the price for their scheming. plus moiraine didn’t hesitate at all to sacrifice herself to kill lanfear to save rand even if she had good reason to suspect that 1. he was consorting with at least one of the forsaken behind her back 2. he was starting to go mad. at the end of the day, for all her complaints, I think she trusts his heart and for him to do the right thing.

this is unrelated but moiraine is the one who approves of balefire, rand using asmodean as a teacher and generally utilising questionable methods of achieving your goals that would horrify other aes sedai - cadsuane is notably stuck up about such stuff, and therefore, in my view, doesn’t make a good advisor, tbh. I think RJ even knew that - I don’t get what he was trying to do when he was criticising how old-fashioned she was while simultaneously worshipping the ground she walked on.

The White Tower forbids us even to learn it. In the War of Power, the Forsaken and the Shadowsworn themselves used it only reluctantly.

#ReasonsIHateAMOL - the forsaken are tossing around balefire everywhere for some reason! what the fuck. This is why I don’t vibe with egwene’s death or that stupid flame of tar valon weave - it’s lacking any sort of creativity or nuance and tears up established canon.

“That sounds just fine to me,” he told her. “Mat’s alive because of it.”

it means SO much to me that rand listens to moiraine list out all the reasons why balefire is dangerous and then follows it up with that response.

rand makes sure to protect mat here - he makes moiraine promise he won’t take mat’s ter’angreal away. I really like that, but I also think RJ sometimes went too far with making aes sedai so territorial about ter’angreal to the point where they act like they naturally have a claim over another person’s belongings? anyway.

Moving close to the bead curtain, he peered through the doorway. Moonshadows filled the room, but one of them was Asmodean, tossing in his blankets. Wrapped in the Void, Rand could hear his heartbeat, smell the sweat of troubled dreams.

this is what I meant about their relationship being so sensual - there’s something so illicit about the whole thing. rand visits him in the night, looks at him through a curtain, and notes that he’s sweating and having troubled dreams! these are all very intimate details to note about another person. somebody really needed to introduce him to the concept of queerness.

The male figure could link him to a huge replica of itself, the most powerful male sa’angreal ever made, even if he were on the other side of the Aryth Ocean from it. It had only been finished after the Dark One’s prison was resealed—How do I know that?—and hidden before any of the male Aes Sedai going mad could find it. The female figure could do the same for a woman, joining her to the female equivalent of the great statue he hoped was still almost completely buried in Cairhien.

huh, the strike at shayol ghul said that the access keys were located in a territory controlled by one of the forsaken at one point during the war and couldn’t be retrieved? Oh! and the wiki says that these are just two access keys among several others and that egwene discovered a damaged one in tanchico when she went dreamwalking! obsessed. maybe the access keys were unfinished at that point? or rj maybe forgot what he’d written, lol.

rand is still thinking of impractical things like healing death with sa’angreal. some arrogance, there, maybe, but at its heart it’s a very pure kind of desire. he does get to reverse death at the end of the book though - mat and avi with balefire! - I suppose rj manages to wrap up that particular plot point by giving him a workaround for healing death. I love it.

I love that rand admits that he can’t be trusted with the vast amount of power various sa’angreal grant him. I love him, and I love egwene for trying to poke at the boundaries of what’s considered abuse of power and what is not - they’re both such fascinating characters to read about. they’ve both come into power having never expected such a thing, grapple with what it means to be responsible for so many people, and slowly come to realise that even if it’s a burden, it allows them to do good things.

also as a random thought, elayne haters don’t deserve rand because rand would hate them for hating elayne. and so would mat, actually.

I just remembered how annoying lanfear could be with her nonsense about loving lews therin. I love the idea of one of the forsaken being a very close friend/lover/companion of lews therin’s and having complex feelings about killing and/or allying with rand but lanfear was not it.

anyway, it didn’t make sense to me in the beginning that she would try to ally with rand when she knew he’d potentially betray her (although right now, I do think it’s very stupid of lanfear to believe that rand is allied with her and dreams of achieving power with her when he hasn’t ever done anything to prove he’d like that) but I think it’s a good idea that she’s a renegade and doesn’t really care about the dark one - she did create the bore. of course she’d try to replace him.

He dreams of you triumphing over the Great Lord and putting him up beside you on high.

yeah, even asmodean is weirdly obsessed with rand!

[Rand] He pushed away a sudden memory of this woman [Lanfear] in his arms, both of them young and just learning what they could do with the Power.

help, did lanfear and lews therin use the one power during sex? is that what this is implying?

sex jokes aside rand is struggling SO hard with lews therin’s memories. I didn’t remember it being this bad. I think him sort of growing used to lews therin later is what makes this really go hard? his only safe space is his head - he had to eventually ward his dreams to keep the wise ones out - so the fact that he isn’t allowed even that to himself is very tragic! in general, rand is just continuously having his body violated in several different ways. and because I can’t help paralleling rand and egwene, it’s interesting how loss of agency marks such a major point in both their arcs - it’s being made a damane for egwene, and dumai’s wells for rand. it doesn’t make them stronger people, and it leads them to commit questionable acts sometimes and act irrationally but that’s okay. that’s how trauma works. unfortunately, rand learns zero coping mechanisms while egwene has a healthier arc because of her training sequence with the wise ones.

speaking of rand and egwene, I don’t know exactly what I feel about the relationship they have. I didn’t see it before, but I do understand why people were saying they’re like siblings - and I don’t know if I ship them exactly (I mean, it could have been incredibly romantic if they’d sort of fallen apart and fallen in love again at the end of everything - I think that idea just really stuck with me while I was still reading the early books - egwene choosing rand over the aes sedai in the early TGH chapters made me very weepy) but a sort of soulmate bond that transcends romance and friendship is something I probably vibe more with. the latra/egwene parallels have me in a chokehold - and now that I think of it… it would’ve been thematically such a great thing if egwene had joined rand in shayol ghul? or if she’d at least broken the seals herself? insert obligatory AMOL hate post, I guess. I’ve read very few books in my life that managed to make me as angry as it did - I think it even manages to beat ACOSF for the Bad Books title (I think I made 160 posts when I was live-blogging it and had zero complimentary things to say about it).

I don’t get criticisms about mat struggling to come to terms with rand’s ability to channel? even egwene has a very hard time reconciling the two. it’s natural and expected - it’s a common legend and belief in the westlands that TDR and male channelers are people you should fear! the belief is as instinctual as the need to breathe. how can RJ say it more blatantly than with this line:

Growing up, she had been taught that only the Dark One was more to be feared than a man who could channel.

moiraine is just *obligatory siuan mention* whenever we get her POVs. she is so gay.

on a cliff at jangai pass there seems to be a symbol of a snake curled around a staff carved onto it - this brings to mind the rod of asclepius? I don’t know if it’s not meant to be analysed a lot - I don’t think it is. but on the other side of the pass there’s a dock and a couple of ships. this makes me wonder if it was a hospital? would a hospital from the age of legend use the same sort of symbols used in the first age? if not a hospital, I’d guess that it’s some outpost of sorts. rand is guessing that the waste could have been under the ocean before.

there was a ‘silk path’ from shara to taien! yeah, I get why I thought shara was an asia analogue even silks and elephants aside. I can’t say anything about how race was handled - we don’t nearly see enough of the sharans to pass judgement on RJ’s handling of them, and from what I recall they’re not really any better or worse than the seanchan. the seanchan are probably slightly worse because of the slavery culture they have going on, but shara also treats its channelers like animals to be put in a pen so, uh. they also have this weird practice of killing their rulers every cycle or something too? anyway, I don’t like that vibe. I also don’t like the vibe of “asian culture analogue being brainwashed by a forsaken so that he can use them as fodder to fight alongside literal monsters against the side of the Light”. I blame that on sanderson, though - I think he didn’t think through the implications of how he introduced and handled sharans. I still wouldn’t have been opposed to seeing more of them if we’d had characters like Egeanin (and I did kind of like that one sharan guy we met in KoD).

rand is now reminding himself of the prophecy that says he’d conquer under the ancient sign of the aes sedai and is making asmodean carry it. I love it when he purposely tries to make prophecies work in his favour, and I love all of RJ’s interesting takes on prophecy - I need to find that post I’d compiled and rb it again. I think I last updated it with rand asking cadsuane if the pattern would kill her if he willed it in book 12 - not exactly prophecy, but prophecy adjacent and that counts to me.

rand is being very protective of egwene and avi right now, as of chapter 20.

How long now had he been doing what was necessary instead of what was right? In a fair world, they would be one and the same. That made him laugh, a hoarse wheeze. He was far from the village boy he had been, but sometimes that boy sneaked up on him.

Nothing to note about this, really, but I remember reading and rereading this specific passage when I first read TFOH - I think it definitely makes a point of highlighting how rand’s motivations work in the latter half of the series, especially maybe his choice to treat with the seanchan instead of defeating them on the battlefield because he needs their support in defeating the dark one.

as a parting note, I think mat should stop sleeping in his fine clothes. it sounds very uncomfortable.

#includes a memory of light spoilers once again #major spoilers. so don’t look.#rand repressionposting #this is a rand and egwene appreciation post #aelia reads the fires of heaven #aelia reads wheel of time #I think I only have 1/2 more posts left #since I see two more chunks of the couladin plot in the POV listing #text #wheel of time #wot book spoilers

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har1een · 1 year

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a side ( @crimeloyalty ) ⸺ cruel summer ; i love you, ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard? the archer ; i’ve got a hundred thrown out speeches i almost said to you. delicate ; my reputation’s never been worse, so you must like me for me. dancing with our hands tied ; swaying as the room burned down. dress ; i don’t want you like a best friend. mirrorball ; i’m still on that trapeze ; i’m still trying everything to keep you looking at me. august ; so much for summer love and saying us, ‘cause you weren’t mine to lose. ivy ; so tell me to run or dare to sit and watch what we’ll become and drink my husband’s wine. renegade ; are you really gonna talk about timing in times like these? treacherous ; nothing safe is worth the drive, and i would follow you, follow you home. holy ground ; we block the noise with the sound of ‘i need you,’ and, for the first time, i had something to lose. begin again ; i think it’s strange that you think i’m funny ‘cause he never did. state of grace ; we learn to live with the pain; mosaic broken hearts. forever winter ; live my life scared to death he’ll decide to leave instead. false god ; the altar is my hips, even if it’s a false god. lavender haze ; they’re bringing up my history, but you weren’t even listening. anti-hero ; one day i’ll watch as you’re leaving ‘cause you got tired of my scheming for the last time. snow on the beach ; you wanting me tonight feels impossible. high infidelity ; do i really have to to tell you how he brought me back to life? glitch ; we were supposed to be just friends.

b side ( @shepurrs ) ⸺ this is why we can’t have nice things ; stabbed me in the back while shaking my hand. all you had to do was stay ; all i know is that you drove us off the road. the story of us ; this is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less, but i liked it better when you were on my side. better than revenge ; soon she’s gonna find stealing other people’s toys on the playground won’t make you many friends. haunted ; something’s made your eyes go cold. last kiss ; i never imagined we’d end like this. if this was a movie ; it’s not the kind of ending you wanna see now. exile ; you were my town, now i’m in exile seeing you out. my tears ricochet ; and if i’m dead to you, why are you at the wake? mad woman ; and women like hunting witches too. champagne problems ; she’ll patch up your tapestry that i shred. tolerate it ; where’s that man who’d throw blankets over my barbed wire? happiness ; i hope she’ll be a beautiful fool who takes my spot next to you. no, i didn’t mean that, sorry. i can’t see facts through all of my fury. coney island ; and do you miss the rogue who coaxed you into paradise and left you there? will you forgive my soul when you’re too wise to trust me and too old to care? you all over me ; had you, got burned. held out and held on god knows, too long. and wasted time, lost tears. swore that i’d get out of here. but no amount of freedom gets you clean. forever and always ; this thing is breaking down ; we almost never speak. sad beautiful tragic ; distance, timing, breakdown, fighting, silence, the train runs off its tracks. kiss me, try to fix it, could you just try to listen? better man ; and it was always on your terms ; i waited on every careless word, hoping they might turn sweet again like it was in the beginning. i bet you think about me ; and the girl in your bed has a fine pedigree and i bet your friends tell you she’s better than me. death by a thousand cuts ; you said it was a great love, one for the ages. but if the story’s over, why am i still writing pages? maroon ; that’s a real fuckin’ legacy, to leave. question . . . ? ; do you wish you’d put up more of a fight when she said it was too much? do you wish you could still touch her? bejeweled ; sapphire tears on my face ; sadness became my whole sky.

#edits.

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controversialcoven · 1 year

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I think I might make a series where I draw homestuck characters to some of my favorite quotes

Here are some of the quotes if anyone is interested

Tumblr loves to fuck up my readmore section so sorry if things are repeated or look weird fhshfhsbd

“If you worship someone too much you’ll end up losing your freedom”

“Human beings are love in motion”

“So you dodged a bullet that you wanted to take”

“You nailed down the windows and locked the doors but the cold was coming from inside”

“Of all the things you fuck I’m the most empty”

“And being my moms least favorite only child must mean I’m her favorite too”

“You can’t light a fire that’s already burnt out”

“He sang as if he knew me in all my dark despair, and then he looked right through me as if I wasn’t there”

“Just let her crash and burn, she’ll learn, the attention just encourages her”

“It’s a felony in Florida to own a fake ID so tell me am I guilty if I change when no one is near me”

“The living need attention too”

“I will not let my grandparents bury their grandchild”

“We rise up to fight just to die, that’s just how the world works sometimes”

“For human grossly under qualified, for canine grossly overqualified”

“Kiss me with forever where only death remains”

“Your insides were never my size”

“I dig a hole in search of kites”

“This was all new to me once, and when it was it was so easy to love”

“I can’t feel my heartbeat so why would you give me a heart?”

“Falling in love with someone is wonderful so don’t call yourself the devil. I love you”

“If I’ve no one to fight how do I know who I am”

“Just because we live doesn’t not mean that we’ve survived”

“She tells the clock what time it is”

“To love and to be loved is to rest”

“I am that which seeks to know the compassion of the goddess within”

“Only once you’ve been unsheltered you can stand in the sunlight”

“Life is both mundane; life is beautiful”

“Being known is being loved”

“I am a mosaic of everyone I’ve ever loved, even for a heartbeat”

“yeah im perceiving the horrors but i’m also perceiving the beauty of life as well”

“And when we kill the gods neither heaven nor hell will be waiting for them because they created those to imprison us”

“I wouldn’t change a thing, you’re the one I want to sink with”

“We live because of the dead”

“Spun sugar melts in water anyways”

“So what if I do it for attention, does that really make me bad?”

“We can’t go back, only forwards”

“Thy who bites is truly the bitten.”

“The pillars of humanity, in no particular order, are Joy, Absurdity, and Sharing”

“I was like a patient who cannot tell the doctor where it hurts, only that it does”

“I’ll let you drag me to hell if it means you’ll hold my hand”

“It is not what you want but it is what you chase”

“In the name of peace we bring war”

“If wellness is this, what in hells name is sickness?”

“Unknowingly I prepare my punishment before I commit my crime”

“I've got no celebration, just this consolation; time eats all his children in the end.”

“I choose to burn out rather than fade away”

“At night I burn myself with cigarettes just to prove I’m still alive”

“Darling, it's the end of the world! We've reached the end of our usefulness and now we're doomed, let's waltz into the grave together!”

“We see the images flashing by, but cannot remember the names, just the fragmented memories that came along with it.”

“I’ve found another sense of comfort, another friend, another place to rest my head.”

“I strived to be like them. But I was still alone.”

“He came out in the end, losing more than anyone else.”

“Every time I listen to this I space out and think about everything I've ever done. All my choices and how they got me here. All the lessons I've learned, people I've met, things I regret, and things I wish I could change. All of it just seems so fast paced. Like I never experienced all of it. Thank you.”

“from ashes i was made, and ashes i return, and so i walk alone, and wonder why?”

“I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when I leave you will finally understand, why storms are named after people”

“Time will not wait for those who are late”

“With the morning starlight and the midnight sun, we spin around until we’re one”

“She’s not what I wanted, she’s what I didn’t know I needed”

“She may not satisfy my desires, but she satisfies my heart”

“I want to find peace of mind, maybe no mind is the answer to that conundrum”

“Tomorow is nearly yesterday and everything is stupid”

“But I couldn’t escape myself no matter how badly I wanted to”

“Do the gods mourn their fallen?”

“You come into the kings court holding the hat of a jester and expect not to be laughed at?”

“You can fall asleep and wake up drunk on the sky”

“Not a girl, not a boy, just a little baby”

“Make a hell out of demons haven”

“A subtle drop of poison a day keeps the kings will at bay”

“To look death in the eye and not welcome her with open arms is to not accept life at all”

“I miss you like a past life, I can’t remember if you were ever mine to miss. I missed you like we both died, a star crossed endeavor. I’ll miss you in the next life.”

“All of existence had her hand tenderly upon your hip”

#yin posting #i rant about homestuck #the only annoying thing is #I don’t have the original source of a lot of the quotes #some of them are in comment sections and shit #and some of them I straight up do not remember where I got them #so they’d have to be un cited rip

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