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alastairstom · 1 year

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I'll Stare Directly at the Sun but Never in the Mirror: Literary Foils, Matthew Fairchild, and Alastair Carstairs

Hello, hello, and welcome to my academic dissection of two of my all-time favourite fictional characters. I, your fearless host, will be giving you insight into Matthew and Alastair as literary foils, the ways that their arcs mirror each other, and the ways that they're two sides of the same traumatised little coin.

So, without further ado, let's start with the basics. This post is super long, so it's going under a cut.

People in the World Like Us

It bears noting that Matthew and Alastair have several superficial similarities and differences,

One of these similarities is that they are both men who love men (MLM). Unlike Charles, who is deeply filled with fear and shame, both Matthew and Alastair seem to be comfortable with being bisexual and gay (respectively) as of 1903.

Alastair is not flashy about it. He's not formally out, but he's also hiding nothing. He's just 5'10, likes hedgehogs, has dark hair, is gay, and likes music. There's 0 shame, but there's also no advertising it.

Matthew is much flashier. He's very openly MLM, even if he is not formally out to those who are not close to him. He wears Oscar Wilde's green carnation, which is indeed simply a symbol of the aesthetic movement. However, it was also so heavily associated with MLM during the time period that it'd be a fairly clear tip-off to those with any perceptive skills whatsoever. He attends salons frequently associated with LGBT culture; he openly flirts with both men and women.

Alastair also seems to seek out long-term partnerships with Charles and then, later, with Thomas. (Huge upgrade!) Matthew, on the other hand, has casual relationships frequently.

These attitudes toward their respective sexualities also seem to parallel their personalities more generally as they are written in the text. Alastair is introverted and closed off; Matthew is extraverted and free-spirited.

I will discuss both of the above points more later.

However, for now, I find this more interesting because this is the first thing that Alastair says to Matthew in Nothing but Shadows:

"You new boys have barely been here five minutes, and all you can find to talk about is some mundane who got sent to prison for indecency?" "So you know Oscar Wilde too, Alastair?" Matthew asked. [...] "I know of many mundane criminals," Alastair Carstairs said in chilly tones. "I read the mundane newspapers to find hints of demonic activity. I certainly don't bother reading plays."

In fact, it's the first thing he says at all!

Alastair clearly is not yet comfortable with being MLM, though he does get there by Chain of Gold. Matthew, on the other hand, is visibly MLM. This immediately establishes a power dynamic between someone who is by all initial appearances a homophobic straight man and a flamboyant, visibly MLM character who needs to defend the idol who shares his sexuality.

It's at this point that Matthew gets visibly agitated and begins to defend Wilde, who was almost certainly bisexual like Matthew:

"Naturally. What use do sad, unimaginative little people have for plays?" he asked. "Or paintings, or dancing, or anything that makes life interesting. I am so glad to be at this dank little school where they will try to squeeze down my mind until it is almost as narrow as yours."

This begins a conflict that will escalate over the course of the series. The initial source of their contention stems from their different reactions to a quality that they share.

Mad, Wonderful, Colorful Things

This interaction does not just set up a conflict because Matthew is hurt at the barb about his sexuality. It also shows their relationships to art. That's what I will aim to unpack in this section.

Matthew is undeniably an Art aficionado. His constant obsessive discussions of Oscar Wilde are proof enough, but he does tend to talk about art spectatorship and appreciation for Beauty a lot as well. In Nothing but Shadows, he talks about his lack of artistic prowess, but says that he could 'spectate for England.' To this, James tells him that he could be an actor.

Matthew is, in and of himself, a work of art; he dresses himself up, values his stylish clothing, and affects a theatrical air in most social settings (to the point that he made his Grand Sober Debut in Chain of Thorns while dressed as Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream.)

Matthew is enchanted with Downworld and with magic. He dances with the fair folk; he has seemingly had both friendships and sexual relations with multiple Downworlders. He attends poetry readings and artistic salons with these Downworlders, has put on performances at the Hell Ruelle before (with Kellington, who notes that they have recited poetry together).

Matthew openly- very openly- adores art in all of its forms. James casually notes that a sleeping Matthew looks like one of the cherubic, innocent paintings he adores in Chain of Gold. Matthew and art are inextricable.

But what of Alastair?

Alastair, too, admires art. He once played the piano, and he once sang ghazals. The difference is that while Matthew was encouraged by those around him to love the things he loved, Alastair quite literally had that beaten out of him while at school. Alastair eventually was so ashamed of his Persian heritage that he stopped singing ghazals (and dyed his hair to look like- you guessed it- Matthew's). He was treated so poorly that he completely disengaged with art in general despite deeply loving it.

(As an aside: I'm so glad that he has become more comfortable making music again. I really hope that he continues to nurture that as an adult in a safe and stable home).

In any case:

Matthew's artistic nature was nurtured; Alastair's was a casualty of abuse. This brings Alastair's comments about plays and Wilde's work to light a bit more - it is probable that there's a bit of deflection happening.

The specific targeting of plays is also interesting when you consider the following interaction:

“I know we’re supposed to avoid mundane things,” said Alastair, “but you must see this. It’s a film. A moving picture! This one is the latest. It’s called Le Voyage dans la Lune.”

Two years after graduating from the Academy, while on his travel year and away from Elias, Alastair was finally allowing himself to engage with art again. Intrinsically, it is clear that he still loved performances; he just closed himself off from this love to protect himself against abuse.

Tricks and Papas and the Circumstances of Your Birth

It's not a secret that Alastair was a bully in school, though it is critical to emphasize that he tried everything in his power not to be. This is true to the point of allowing himself to be physically abused by the other students for an entire year:

“When I got to school,” said Alastair slowly [to Thomas], the effort clearly costing him, “loose talk about my father had preceded me. Everyone knew he was a failure, and some of the older students decided I was an easy target. They… let’s just say that by the end of the first week, I had been made to understand my place in the hierarchy, and I had the bruises to remind me should I ever forget. [...] After about a year of being knocked around [...] I realized I could either become one of the bullies, or suffer for the rest of my school days."

When he told Cordelia about this in Chain of Gold, she inquired about why Alastair did not simply come home.

Coming home was, unfortunately, not an option for Alastair, as he faced abuse there as well. I could pick several Chain of Iron quotes, but I'll simply go with Chain of Gold's:

“Because I wanted you to have a childhood, a thing I never had. I wanted you to be able to love and respect your father as I never could. Every time he made a mess, who do you think had to clean it up? Who told you Father was ill or sleeping when he was drunk? Who went out and fetched him when he passed out in a gin palace and smuggled him in through the back door? Who learned at ten years old to refill the brandy bottles with water each morning so no one would notice the levels had sunk—?”

So, Alastair did everything he could so he would not need to go home to an abusive environment.

Matthew is, as usual, Alastair's equal and opposite reaction.

"Maybe it's the fact you have everything I want," Matthew snarled [to James]. "And you don't even seem to want it. [...] They will send you home any time you like," Matthew said. "They're trying to drive you away. And no matter what I do, they won't chuck me out. Not the Consul's son. [...] I want to go home, all right?" Matthew snapped. "I want to be with my father!"

The very reason that Alastair cannot go home is the reason that Matthew feels that he absolutely must.

Matthew later muses in Cast Long Shadows:

His papa was the best papa in the world, so Matthew had no opportunity to be cruelly oppressed or sadly neglected.

Matthew's love for his family and perception of them as a kind, nurturing presence makes it impossible for him to understand Alastair. This is true to the point that he empathizes with Elias in his obvious neglect of Alastair at the Academy, stating that if he had "an insufferable toad of a son, and were he blessedly to be sent away to school, [he was] not sure [he] could bring [him]self to blast [his] sight with his visage until the accursed holidays carried him back to [him] again.”

Like with Alastair's bullying being a survival response, it is important to note that Matthew does not have all the information here. And yet, it perpetuates the pattern: Matthew cannot conceptualize the idea of an abusive home.

The irony? Matthew himself is a parentified child, just as Alastair is (though, obviously, without the other layers of purposeful abuse). He just doesn't realize it. Look:

[Parentification] occurs when parents look to their children for emotional and/or practical support, rather than providing it. Hence, the child becomes the caregiver. As a result, parentified children are forced to assume adult responsibilities and behaviors before they are ready to do so. In addition, they do not receive acknowledgment or support for taking on these responsibilities. (Quote from Newport Academy)

And Matthew:

"I have put out fires on my own father's head. My mother is always busy, and Charles Buford is always running after her and acting superior. I'm the one who takes care of my father. I'm the one who listens to him. I didn't want to go away to school and leave him, and I've been doing all I can to get chucked out and go back."

Matthew behaved terribly, refused to do training exercises, and ultimately blew up a part of the school at least in part because he wanted to go back to this situation. Unfortunately, as he has been doing this all his life, it seems normal to him. He doesn't think of it at all beyond loving his father and needing to take care of him.

So Alastair has a terrible relationship with an abusive father. Matthew has an outwardly-great relationship with an absentminded but loving father that he himself does not realize he has a backwards relationship with. Combine that with his mother and brother always being negligent, and we don't have a recipe for a great home situation.

No one notices that there is a problem in either Matthew's or Alastair's case.

Anyway, this brings us to The Incident. Matthew, to Alastair:

“Has no kind soul thought to inform you that your hairstyle is, to use the gentlest words available to me, ill-advised? A friend? Your papa? Does nobody care enough to prevent you from making a spectacle of yourself?"

Matthew didn't intend to hit Alastair where it hurt, but he did nonetheless. Alastair is aware that his father does not love him, or at best has a destructive and abusive 'love' for him. He is aware of and understands his own abuse and parentification. He also understands that no one treats him with care, and Matthew hit the pain button hard.

It's in this moment that Alastair decides to strike Matthew back just as hard. He tells him that he is Gideon Lightwood's bastard, that Henry is not, in fact, his father. Matthew's relationship with Henry, whom he loves as a central tenant of his life, is seemingly called into question.

It is no surprise that he cannot forget. It is no surprise that he, an emotionally volatile boy who literally exploded a wing of the school because of the rage that he had at that comment, may take drastic action to ensure that Henry Fairchild was, in fact, his father.

You can read more on this here, but Alastair became a sort of scapegoat for Matthew after he unwittingly caused his mother's miscarriage. The reason for this is that he, Matthew, simply could not cope with such a heavy burden on his own.

And that's also when the drinking started.

A Noted Handler of Drunks

Alastair is the child of an alcoholic. We see the trauma this has caused him in the earlier quote about wanting Cordelia to have a childhood, but we also see the impact of this in his direct interactions with Elias in Chain of Iron. A couple of examples:

Elias looked at his son. He did not hold out his arms, as he had to Cordelia, but his voice was thick with emotion when he spoke. “Come and greet me, Esfandiyar,” he said. It was Alastair’s middle name. [...] Alastair didn't move.

[Alastair's] father’s face was beet red, and he seemed to have worked himself up into something of a lather. [...] He slammed his hand against the floor.

“Does he—” There was a sharp sound, as of something being knocked off a table, and then the familiar noises of Elias retching. Cordelia could hear Alastair telling James to go, that he would manage it.

But Alastair looked more than long-suffering. His gaze was focused on their father with a barely contained loathing.

This is, of course, far from all of them. We also get an entire Alastair PoV scene where he is grieving in a hard, cold way not only for Elias, but also for his own childhood:

Alastair stood in the parlor, staring blankly out the window at the house next door. He had been watching two little boys playing on the floor of their living room while their mother worked at her embroidery and their father read the newspaper. He could not help but hear his mother’s words as she’d wept, The child will never know his father. Lucky child, he’d said to Cordelia, but under the flippancy, there was a hard, cold sorrow, a sorrow that felt like a blade of ice cutting through him. It was hard to breathe around the loss.

And, as Cassie said at her 2020 St. Louis Chain of Gold panel, Alastair- the child of an alcoholic- has the same level of PTSD as a war veteran.

It is Elias who forced him to grow up at age 10. It is Elias who made him feel worthless. It is Elias who initially abused him, just as it was Elias who sent him off to Shadowhunter Academy to face more abuse. This school abuse was in large part because of Elias's own behavior as well as because of Alastair's brownness (that white Elias failed to consider despite his entire family being made up of PoC). And, as we established, it is Elias's fault that Alastair cannot go home.

Now, Matthew unfairly blames Alastair for something that is squarely the fault of the adult faerie that used him as a tool to try to assassinate the Consul. It is in this moment that Matthew begins his descent into alcoholism:

“That first night,” Matthew said, “after it happened, I took a bottle of whiskey from my parents’ cupboard and drank it. I was vilely sick afterward, but for the first few moments, when it dulled the sharpness of my thoughts and senses, the pain faded. Went away. I felt a lightness of heart, and it is that I have been seeking again and again. That surcease.”

This alcoholism is, in turn, triggering to Alastair, which we can see here (and in many other, smaller places throughout the series):

Alastair’s expression went flat. “You think I would be relieved to hear she’s with Matthew? You think I don’t know a drunk when I see one? Believe me, I do. If he puts Cordelia in harm’s way—”

This begins an endless cycle of conflict. Matthew is angry at Alastair and blames him for the thing that caused him to drink. Alastair is triggered by Matthew's drinking and behaves abrasively. Matthew gets drunker and more upset. Alastair gets more triggered. It is endless, and it's no wonder that they didn't get along.

But Matthew is not like Elias. Cordelia notes that he is not "bitter" as her father is; James notes that, unlike Matthew, Elias cannot handle his alcohol well. Matthew shows none of the aggressive, angry tendencies that Elias does.

And unlike Elias, Matthew eventually begins to do the work necessary to quit drinking. On his own, he:

Realizes that he cannot quit simply because he wants to

Decides and vocalizes that he has a problem that he should work on

Attempts to quit cold-turkey (and fails)

Agrees to drink Christopher's sedative, committing to doing better even though he knows it will be a painful and arduous journey that could literally kill him

All of these are wonderful things to be proud of Matthew for. However, he and his friends have no experience with alcohol withdrawal. Matthew's active propensity for self-harm also leads him to keep bottles to tempt himself, because he believes that he deserves the difficult journey. Because "the suffering is part of the punishment."

Alastair is the only person that could help him here. He has no obligation to, but he does, anyway.

“It isn’t really about seeming drunk, though, is it?” said Alastair, unbuttoning his coat. “My father had to drink, in the end, simply to seem normal.” “I am not your father,” said Matthew frostily. “You are much younger. You have been drinking a much shorter time. Your chances are much better.”

And, before pouring all of Matthew's booze out the window:

"Having all this here is like asking an addict to live in an opium den,” [Alastair] said. “You are never going to be able to drink casually. Alcohol will always mean something to you that it does not mean to other people. Getting rid of this stuff will make it easier. Why not have it be easier?”

This is the beginning of Matthew and Alastair burying the hatchet.

In a way, this makes sense. They are, at the same time, confronting the things that they hate most in the other. Alastair is tackling Matthew's alcoholism head-on despite his own trauma and triggers. Matthew is forced to view Alastair as a person as complex as he himself is, and one that is going out of his way to help him.

In this moment, Matthew is no longer just a drunk to Alastair, and Alastair is no longer a monster to Matthew. It is at this point that they can view each other just as men.

You've Lost Your Hat. I've Lost My Sister!

It's important that we take a look at both Matthew's and Alastair's relationship with the other one's sibling. Alastair secretly dates Charles Fairchild for years; Matthew harbors a desperate passion for Cordelia Carstairs and impulsively runs away with her. Both of these situations end in broken hearts.

Let's first talk about Charles and Alastair.

First, Alastair's birthday would be in the autumn of 1884; Charles' would be early 1879. This means that Charles is nearly 6 years older than Alastair.

I want to preface this by saying that we have received conflicting information regarding this relationship from Clare and from the Shadowhunter canon. She has said that Alastair did not acquaint himself with Charles until 1902, when he was around 17 and Charles was 23. However, she also once said that Alastair picked up the habit of reading mundane papers from Charles, which he was doing in Nothing But Shadows. At this point, Alastair would have been 15 and Charles would have been 21. Charles also says "after these years" in Chain of Gold, so they were obviously together for over a year.

This means there are three possibilities:

Charles and Alastair got together when they were 22/23 and 17 (best case scenario, still gross)

Charles and Alastair got together when they were at most 21 and 15 respectively, which is when Alastair got the habit of reading the papers

Charles and Alastair knew each other when Alastair was 15, likely younger, but did not have sex until they were 22/23 and 17 respectively

None of these situations are ideal.

Charles also is extremely wealthy; he is the son of the current Consul; he is in a powerful political position as the next Consul; his family is not intentionally abusive and would not reject him; he is white; he is well-loved.

Alastair has none of these privileges. He is the son of a disgraced drunk; his family is in a lot of debt (though they do own Cirenworth); he is brown and treated poorly for it; he is very young; he is vulnerable because he comes from an abusive household; his life has very little love and joy in it. He is also gay and probably did not meet any other MLM until Charles showed up.

The relationship itself also appears unhealthy. Charles becomes extremely angry in Chain of Gold when Alastair privately says he loves him, yelling at him never to say that. Alastair immediately asks him why he has come to him if not for sex, making it pretty clear that Charles primarily (if not exclusively) values Alastair for sex. Charles left Alastair alone in Paris to gallivant around by himself and later with Thomas. Charles did not communicate with Alastair about his engagements and placed the blame on him for not taking a bride and not understanding the world.

It does a number on him. We see this in the fact that he becomes physically ill when he looks at Charles in Chain of Iron. We also see this in his future insecurities with Thomas.

In Chain of Thorns, Thomas literally confesses his love to Alastair in multiple languages, has sex with him, sleeps next to him all night, and opts to hang out with him the next day during the battle. Not 12 hours later, Alastair asks Thomas if he actually likes him, saying (to Thomas's reassurance that he cared) that

"'[That] was the sort of thing Charles always said. ‘I care for you, I have feelings for you.’ Never just ‘I love you—’ "

But luckily, Thomas loves all of Alastair, not just the 'palatable' parts. Thomas loves Alastair as he deserves to be loved.

Charles and Alastair had a very lopsided, abusive, and disgustingly underage grooming-type relationship. It was harmful to Alastair and obviously did a long-term number on him, but he bore it because he was lonely and accepting the love that he thought he deserved.

Now let's talk about Cordelia and Matthew.

Cordelia Carstairs is not a harmful person. She is no Charles Fairchild. However, Matthew seems to use her- and his passion for her- to harm himself. Note that none of this is Cordelia's fault, nor is it on her to be Matthew's salvation. But Matthew sees in her an escape, a sort of saving grace.

She is an outsider; this makes her someone that he can tell his secret to. She does not reject him, which further cements her into the "good" category of people that Matthew feels safe with.

Matthew hates himself and self-harms by self-medicating. His passion for Cordelia is similar to that; she is the single most unattainable person ever for him. She is his parabatai's wife, one that he knows is already in love with James. But he touches the fire because it burns him, because it makes him feel something.

It's also curious that Matthew leaves Cordelia at the end of the book, and that the book itself notes that they did not become closer after the final battle concluded:

[T]hat closeness she had felt with him in Paris was gone, the sense of how well they understood one another. Paradoxically, Matthew had only grown closer to James, and to Thomas, and even Alastair.

Matthew is essentially quitting Cordelia in the same way that he quit drinking. He needs time and distance; he needs to stop getting near that fire so he can heal.

It's also very interesting to note what "Paris" is to Alastair vs Matthew.

In Chain of Iron, Matthew says:

“I was going to Paris because it seemed to me James finally understood what he had, being married to you—and I was glad, only I also knew I could not bear to see it. I thought in Paris I might forget. In Paris, one forgets everything.”

Matthew also treats Paris as a sort of salvation, a magical place where he no longer will be constrained by the self-blame and self-hate that plague him:

“Matthew,” she said. “In Paris, will you be able to forgive yourself?” He smiled at that—a real smile; his face lit up, and Cordelia could not help but think that it was a face that would open any door in Paris to them. “In Paris,” he said, “I shall be able to forgive all the world.”

And, simply:

"In Paris we can be whomever we wish.”

Matthew views Paris as some sort of magical place, removed from the problems of everyday life. It is a place to forgive and forget. It is the best place on earth. It can bring out all the good in you. It's a wish of a place.

It's disconnected and dreamlike.

This is exactly what Alastair found in Paris without even looking for it.

The whole trip had seemed disconnected and dreamlike. Alastair had come from nowhere and now returned to nowhere, and Thomas had no idea when they would next see each other, or how they would act when they did.

Indeed,

Alastair had not asked Thomas about his friends or his family. Thomas hadn’t asked Alastair, either. For these days it had been as though nobody else existed in the entire world.

Thomas and Alastair find this escape in Paris. It was completely removed from their everyday life, and they were both allowed to only be themselves. It was Thomas and Alastair, and they were together, and they never spoke of it again until Chain of Iron, when they only spoke of it when they were alone together.

It's ironic on a storytelling level that this is the one thing Matthew wanted that Alastair got. Even when Alastair views Matthew as the embodiment of everything that he wishes he were, he was the one who got a magical wish of a time in Paris. And Matthew never knew.

Love People Have Denied Themselves

At this point we've established the ways that Alastair and Matthew are trauma-mirrors. We also have established the ways that they each use the other's sibling as an unhealthy balm for those traumas.

Now, I would like to take a look at the ways that they respond to that trauma more generally.

Both characters are scared because they feel that their own trauma responses will be a burden on those around them.

As a result, Alastair has become a fortress. He lets no one in besides his sister (who he aims to protect), his mother (who seems to view him as a sort of co-conspirator), Charles (who abuses him), and eventually Thomas (praise be!) We'll talk about Thomas a lot in the coming sections.

But first:

Matthew, on the other hand, puts on something that I like to call his Sunshine Armor. I deeply relate to this quality in Matthew, actually. He acts happy, lighthearted, and carefree to hide the fact that he is, in fact, in pain. He does this even before he begins drinking. In Cast Long Shadows he literally puts on a Smile, puts on his flashy clothing, calls himself a "waste of space in a waistcoat," and goes out to charm and amuse while pondering his personal failings and how he is likely a bad parabatai.

It's also so ingrained in the character that it's part of his physical appearance:

[Matthew's eyes] were such a dark green that they fooled people, except when light struck the dark a certain way and the depths flashed emerald. Like the rest of him, his eyes were a trick.

And now, he believes that "drink makes [him] amusing" in Chain of Gold. He believes that it makes him charming and likeable, which we see in Chain of Thorns when he tells James that he doesn't know who he will be after he sobers up.

"I know what I’d be doing at an ordinary party,” he said. “Floating about, being entertaining. [...] Being witty and charming. Or at least, I thought I was witty and charming. Without the alcohol, I…” His voice sank. “It’s like I’m watching clockwork dolls in a child’s dollhouse, acting out their parts. Nothing seems real. Or perhaps I am the one who is not real.”

Matthew believes himself to be, in some way, flawed. He believes himself to be unlovable.

This is one way in which he and Alastair are eerily similar. In fact, it is the initial thing that Matthew finds to relate to Alastair in:

Matthew’s eyes opened. “Is he—are you two—?” “He won’t agree to be with me,” said Thomas quietly. “But not out of unkindness. He thinks he would be bad for me. I think… in some way… he believes he does not deserve to be happy. Or perhaps it is that he is unhappy, and he believes it is a sort of contagion that might spread.” “I understand that,” Matthew said, a little wonderingly. “How much love people have denied themselves through the ages because they believed they did not deserve it. As if the waste of love is not the greater tragedy.”

Alastair's main internal conflict throughout TLH is that he believes himself to be unlovable because of his past mistakes. This is no surprise; in fact, it is the only thing that makes sense. His father was a monster to him for at least a decade. The other students at school beat him until he became something he did not want to be. The main group of characters in TLH- including those like Anna who do not know him- continuously villainize him despite his many attempts to apologize.

So, it's no surprise that he believes himself to be "dangerous and bad" for Thomas at the end of Chain of Iron.

Unlike Matthew, who does not like to be alone and finds a way to charm and amuse and remain extraverted and connected, Alastair self-isolates. He does not wish to subject those around him to his company, as we initially see in Chain of Iron when he does not want to go to social events and avoids places that he knows others in the Enclave will be gathering.

This issue persists throughout Chain of Thorns and is a core part of his plotline:

"The person most standing between Alastair and happiness is Alastair himself. He is brave, and loyal, and his heart—” [Thomas] found himself blushing. “I suppose I wish Alastair would treat himself as he deserves to be treated.”

Alastair also admits this later:

"You [Thomas] said that you wish I would treat myself as I deserve to be treated. The thing is, that’s exactly what I was doing. I was denying myself the thing I wanted more than anything else in the world because I didn’t believe I deserved it.”

Everything Exactly the Way That It Is

So, we come to the core question of both Matthew's and Alastair's existence, the one that they both clearly play over and over in their heads every night. Matthew finally vocalizes it, rather heartbreakingly, in Chain of Thorns:

"Am I so hard to love?"

The narrative clearly (correctly) believes that both of these characters are worth loving, but their conclusions look very different.

Matthew is positioned as a character who hates himself despite being surrounded by others who love him. He keeps his Great Sin a secret to retain that love. Note that this is a way that Matthew, like Alastair, is closed off. He keeps this one occurrence to himself. Alastair, then, is positioned as a character who does not have loved ones surrounding him despite his constant attempts to do better.

In creating this curious effect, Clare makes Matthew a character who does not need a romantic conclusion. His arc does not necessitate this interpersonal connection or intimacy, because he is already loved. Instead, Matthew's arc needs to be resolved with self-love, self-care, and compassion for himself.

In fact, a romantic conclusion would have proven unsatisfying for Matthew. It's critical that he spends some time alone, especially since this was set up when he initially attempted to go to Paris alone before Cordelia came along. His departure from London, and from those in it, has been shown as a necessity ever since Chain of Iron.

This is especially true at the end as Matthew undoubtedly still has feelings for Cordelia:

“Daisy.” He turned to her in surprise. “I care about you still. I always will, in some part of my heart, and James knows that; but I am happy you are together."

Distance is necessary, and because Matthew no longer is a servant to the bottle of his Great Sin, he is free to be a wandering spirit. He is free to do "mad, wonderful, colorful things," get to know himself sober, and chase joy in that way. Romance would be yet another thing to tether him in one place at this point in time; he needs freedom for a while, to get to know Matthew Fairchild.

On the other hand...

Clare also positions Alastair as a character who must experience love and intimacy in order to have a satisfying conclusion to his arc. Matthew must improve in his own eyes; Alastair must see himself in another's to understand that he is already capable of love and forgiveness and opening up.

Thomas provides him with this. He obviously likes Alastair's biting wit; his pain does not scare him off. "I need to breathe" does not scare him off or make him think less of Alastair. Because Thomas has always seen the good in Alastair, even when he was not showing it; Thomas "like[d] his nonsense" at school and now:

It was as if [Alastair] had been locked in a room, and Thomas had opened the door: Alastair now seemed to feel free to express the love and affection for his friends and family he had always tamped down and hidden away.

Essentially, Matthew and Alastair are mirrors whose pain, trauma, and healing journeys reflect each other. However, their healing- the ways that they will find grace and delight and joy- are astronomically different.

But it's breathtakingly beautiful.

The wild boy who has always been tied to one place, by secrets and by love and by bitterness and by addiction, is finally completely free. Free to wander and roam and laugh loudly and lose himself to adventure. Free to fall in love with himself, the "beginning of a lifelong romance" per Oscar Wilde.

And the worldly wanderer, an eternal traveler who has never had a real home where felt safe and loved, finally got that. Finally got to build a home with someone gentle who loves him "more than anything." Finally gets stability and security and hard-won happiness.

I am so incredibly happy for them both.

taglist (lmk if you want to be added/removed): @staywildefairchild @s0urlemons262 @belle-keys @coriia @drunkonimagination @alastaircarstairsismybff @vwritesaus @claritywithclary

#tsc deep dives #matthew fairchild #alastair carstairs #chain of gold #chog #chain of iron #choi #chain of thorns #chot #cordelia carstairs #charles fairchild #thomas lightwood #thomastair #elias carstairs

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apoptoses · 9 months

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Trying to escape all the Devil’s Minion hate I’ve seen around here and Twitter (apparently Armand never really loved Daniel, he’s only a footnote in his life, didn’t really have an impact on him or his character development, etc.) by coming to your blog and reading your asks. I truly have no idea how/when/how this influx of hate started (was it the sh*w? It was probably the sh*w) but I just want to tell you I’m so glad you’re around posting fantastic Devil’s Minion content constantly, keeping us fed. Dark times lie ahead and we need to remain strong 🤧

So there's a couple things at play, but first off-

We have like 50 pages of them together in total through all the books. Everyone has different reads on characters/events, people are free to interpret stuff how they want.

However there is a strange and very vocal handful of people who seem to have an agenda to push about Armand and Daniel in specific. I don't know why, I don't know what kind of projection is going on, but they like to insist that Daniel secretly hates Armand and Armand was actually an abusive demon 24/7 and there was never any love between them.

Which if that was just their personal read, whatever. But they run around insisting that this is canon, this is fact, this is what Anne intended and anyone who thinks to the contrary is wrong and needs their ass jumped.

But that's just like, their opinion, man. Nobody has to listen to these people. They are not experts on the secret intentions of Anne Rice. They do not have any info which you, anon, would not also have access to.

The facts are that Armand said he loved Daniel, Daniel said he loved Armand, Daniel begged for eternity with Armand. In the end of the series he went hunting with Armand and moved back in at Trinity Gate. They had fights over the blood when Daniel was mortal and Daniel resented Armand at times for not making him a vampire (but wanted to become a vampire in the end to be with him). Daniel was highly concerned as to whether Armand liked him as a vampire, and Armand said he loved the way he turned out and looked upon him with lust. Anne herself said that Armand was a good person with Daniel, and that she loved his affair with Daniel and it was all about exploration. Everything else is just someone's personal read.

Also, twitter is a cesspit and brings out the worst people lol Don't go there for good takes, you will find nothing but anger and brain rot.

Could it possibly be the show? I don't watch it so I don't really know. I know that the producer seems to be setting up an old school love triangle which is probably going to pit Armand against Lestat, and Daniel against Louis. But idk I have no further relevant knowledge there.

But again, the show is so different from the books. If you don't like the show you're not obligated to listen to or interact with its fans, and if you like the show but don't like the books, vice versa. Nobody needs to be sending hate and insisting that people agree with their personal meta or else they're a bad person. These are fictional characters lmao

But thanks, anon. I am always here to bang the gong of "these two love each other" and create romantic content for them. You're safe here ♥

#apoptoses answers #armand/daniel #devil's minion

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h0n3yk1tt3n · 8 months

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Hello fellow bmc blog. I would like to request for you to rant about your fav song!! >:)

Oh gods there are a FEW that rotate in my brain at any given time,, like the ones that always have an animatic that I'll never make playing in my head when I listen to them. See the thing is I think less of the song itself and more of like, the cinematography song brings up in my head

ACK I might have to do a few!!! (In no preference order) ((fuck it i might have to do most of them))

More Than Survive

So when we've got a big song focusing on a lot of different characters and ideas I am chasing EVERYTHING around in my enclosure trying to chew on something. Jeremy's monologuing on his way to and on the bus, learning everyone's personality in the hallway, Michael bopping along to music, all of it!! I had food for WEEKS when Claudia's MTS animation dropped like MMMM THATS THE SHIT

Two-Player Game

Shipping fuel aside I love how we get to see Michael and Jeremy's (and Jeremy and Mr. Heere's) dynamic!! Specifically how we get to watch them bounce off each other when Jeremy sings his own verse and their lil back n forth in the second chorus. Plus imagining these two trying to have a conversation while getting swarmed by zombies in-game is just SO FUCKING fun for me!!!

Be More Chill Pt. 1 and 2

SQUIP being a manipulative bastard my beloved,,, the (presumably squip-produced) image of everyone in the mall first berating Jeremy and then later praising him, or rather what he could be if he continues listening to the squip OUGH mans just wants to be liked </3

Upgrade

SQUIP being a manipulative bastard my beloved!!! Like I imagine it also put Jeremy in the right time and place to see Jake and Christine being all cute together to try n fuel Jer's jealousy into listening to it. Like!!! And ok, I get that Loser Geek Whatever was added to give more context into Jer's life to kinda,, Justify why he would want to listen to the squip and that's all well and good! It's not a bad song by any stretch! But to me personally when we get to "should I take the upgrade" and we hear the ensemble just repeating "upgrade upgrade upgrade now now now now now" like,, that in my head is the squip FURTHER pressuring Jeremy and OVERWHELMING him into taking the upgrade to get the voices in his head to stop. (See also Claudia's Upgrade animation ough,,) Is there a part of him that kinda wants to take it anyway? Sure! But the idea of squip doing EVERYTHING it can to ENSURE Jeremy says yes is just!!! Raaagh!!! Evil scheming!!!

Halloween

Similar to MTS I love the chaos!! Of switching between several characters and seeing how everyone else is partying it up!! And this is just me and my Brain Animatic talking but I just love the idea of Jeremy and Jake's dance battle in the og script?? Like ok we all know that the squip would be manipulating Jeremy's body to get him to win but like?? I really would've wanted to see that friendly competition between Jeremy and Jake?? I wanna see them be friends!!! Even if the shit hits the fan literally a few minutes later. SPEAKING OF WHICH

Do You Wanna Hang?

Look I've already done deep analysis on this song in two other posts. And this is more on the scene As A Whole and not just the song itself (it's DYWR in another font, musically there's not a ton else happening) but it's the character interactions, it's squip being a rotten little shit and being MUCH more overt in forcing Jeremy into something he doesn't want. Like the manipulation was always there but this is like, our first look into EVIL evil, like no the squip is NOT a good thing for you. And then the frenzy of Jake showing up and OH SHIT BROOKE'S HERE TOO and jer can only get the briefest apology out before he just DIPS completely and everything is FALLING APART and!!!! Like!!! Yes it's an uncomfy song and an uncomfy scene but that's the POINT and it's SO VITAL to emphasizing that the squip only cares about RESULTS and not the healthiest way for Jeremy to GET them.

Michael in the Bathroom

I feel like a lot of animatics (and the bway version) just water this song down to "Michael sad" instead of really showing his like, Progression of Emotions. Like he's gotta be in sort of despondent shock at first!! He really went through all his research just for Jeremy to walk out on him?? The fuck?? Like yeah he's alone at this party and he doesn't know what to do without a friend there, (i could stay right here or disappear,) but he's petty and resentful about it (and nobody'd even notice at all [...] cuz my buddy kind of left me alone, but I'd rather fake pee than stand awkwardly) and THEN he starts getting sad (everything felt fine when I was half of a pair, but through no fault of mine there's no other half there)

I should probably make this song its own entire post with all the switching between emotions Michael does between lines (he does it A Lot if you ask me) but he's so much more than just sad and mopey!! He's pissed off!! He's frantic!! He's ten thousand different things!! HES MORE THAN JUST SAD!!!! And I feel like that entire SHITSTORM of emotions isn't shown enough!!!

Smartphone Hour

CHAOS CHAOS CHAOS!!! YOU KNOW THE DRILL BY NOW!!! I don't have much else other than like, the latter half of the song where the rumor mill REALLY blows up and everyone's just saying Whatever the fuck about Rich and it's like!!!! OUGH there really aren't enough Smartphone Hour animatics out there!! And even then idk how many of them really capture the true CHAOS of "Hey, one of our classmates burned Jake's fucking house down," and then social media just has a goddamn RIOT!! I was going to put lyric examples here but, it REALLY is just everything after "always be aware of autocorrect" all the way to the end of the song

The Pitiful Children

SQUIP BEING A MANIPULATIVE BASTARD MY BELOVED!!!!!! VILLAIN SONG VILLAIN SONG VILLAIN SONG AAAAAA!!!!!! BARKBARK BARK BARK GRRR GRR RAAGHRR FOAMS AT THE MOUTH RIPS THIS SONG APART WITH MY TEETH RAAAAARRREGG /pos

I don't have the brain to give it more than that it just makes me Insane

The Pants Song

Listen maybe I'm just a filthy Jeremy kinnie (I am) but to see his dad kickstart his life back up because he's worried about his son who just Called Him The Fuck Out is just!! 🤌🤌🤌 and the way he gets Michael in on it because he KNOWS that if anyone's gonna get through to Jeremy, it's gonna be the one that knows him better than anyone else!!! And like, we actually see a pretty good chunk of Michael's character here too??? Arguably more than mitb??? They both care about Jeremy so much!!!

The Play

It's a big ensemble piece again you know I'm totally feral for it!!! This one might just also need its own post too bc goddamn it's like a 12 minute scene with all the dialogue!!! Like with the squip finally showing its cards and revealing its true intentions!!! Seeing the squipped versions of all the other kids while Jeremy and Michael finally team up again!!! Oh god and the fight,, the squip blocking Jeremy from saying sorry,, making him fight Michael, GODS there's so much to unpack in that twenty second conversation alone!!!! And like can we talk about the terror of the "I just feel so connected to you guys right now" when they swarm Michael!!! And him having to WATCH Jeremy be tempted by squipped Christine?? Facing that he might have to go through the grief of losing his best friend AGAIN???? FUCK I LOVE THIS SHOW

Voices in my Head

Ensemble joins again babeyyyyy!! Like seriously I just love seeing everyone's distinct ways of hyping Jeremy up!!! Mr. Heere's cheesy old school approach! Michael pointing out something that's not superficial! Rich's innuendo! Jenna and Brooke being total sweethearts!! Chloe's backhanded advice (she's so fucking funny holy shit)!! AN ACTUAL LOOK INTO JAKE BEING A TOTAL BRO!!!

Not only all that, but the way that Jeremy kinda,, foregoes everyone's advice and does his own thing!! He ignores the voices telling him what to do and says "what's on his mind," AND THE ELUDING TO THE SQUIP STILL BEING THERE BUT!! The conscious decision to shut that voice down!! And this spawns like, my favorite line from the entire show

"So many voices in my head, and they can yell and hurt like hell but I know I'll be fine [...] of the voices in my head the loudest one is mine"

MY EXCLUSION OF ILPR, SQUIP SONG, DYWR, MTS REPRISE (both of them), AND AGTIKBI DOESN'T MEAN I DONT LIKE ANY OF THESE SONGS!!! I'm sure I could find a lot to chew on if I went after dywr, even though it's more or less The Joke Song of the entire show but YEAH THOSE ONES DEFINITELY HAVE MERIT and I might even rb this later with additions but THIS POST IS ALREADY SUPER LONG AND I KINDA BLEW THIS ASK OUT OF THE WATER BUT XNDJSKSNDH

#asks #be more chill #song analysis #this rly reminded me why i love this show #like i think so much abt post canon that i kinda forget how Info Dense this show is #this took me so long but im rlu glad i did it #mj says shit #squip squad #squip #mr heere

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cordrazine-official · 1 year

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7 8 10 12 16 17 18 GO MAD WITH POWER

OMG YES THENK YOU (from this ask game)

What character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because of how the fandom acts about them?

Look, I know why you asked this one & I’ll give you the answer you’re expecting, because it’s the truth.

Garak. I used to be much, much more interested in him & now I barely care. It is incredible how different fanon Garak is from canon Garak - he’s almost unrecognisable, in fact - & I’m not sure exactly why people aren’t interested in canon Garak. Do we really need yet another sad old man who did nothing wrong & has bad self-esteem? Why not engage with what the show gave us, which is a torturer who is nostalgic of the days when he had power over people he still thinks of as inferior to him (see the Bajoran conference he goes to, which I am tired of seeing used a funny joke: it isn’t funny), and who has to contend with what he did while living in new circumstances? Isn’t his journey from season 1 Garak to season 7 Garak much more interesting then?

It’s okay to not want to write about some things, for all sorts of reasons. It’s okay. What I find grating is when a general refusal to engage with certain themes ends up twisting a compelling character into a bland cardboard cutout. And it becomes downright offensive when people start joking around about torture or about Garak’s attitude towards Bajorans & the occupation of Bajor. I cannot stress this enough: Garak isn’t a poor smol bean who’s never done anything wrong! He is a dangerous man who is also a bigot & who has done & still does terrible things!

I follow a few people who have takes about Garak that I find genuinely compelling but otherwise I’ve been really put off by the general attitude about him. He is not what fandom makes him out to be. He just isn’t.

I happily rewatch The Wire though. If I pretend I never read any of those posts, I enjoy it immensely.

Common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

“Ben Sisko is a difficult character to write”. This is not true. Ben Sisko is as difficult to write as any other character you’ve never written before, & once you sit down & actually do it you’ll find that he’s as easy to write as any other character you’ve learned to write.

Worst part of fanon

The way in which Garashir scenes have been so overinflated that they take up all the space in fanon - which they do not in canon.

I’ll explain. Looking at the fandom (which, because of the sheer size of Garashir, is barely distinguishable from it) you’d think that Garashir interact a lot more than they do. The way people talk about the show warps the actual space Garak & Bashir take up in it, to the point where the inner main cast (which I consider to be Ben Sisko, Kira Nerys & Jadzia Dax) take up an almost secondary role. I’ll point out here that while Alexander Siddig is part of the main cast (Julian Bashir being, to me, part of the outer main cast), Andrew Robinson is a guest star on DS9 & that Garak has less interactions with Bashir than Sisko does. Which - of course he does!

I don’t like the way DS9 has become “the gay lizard show” because it literally isn’t, & I wish that the entire main arcs of the show (Bajor, the Dominion War, the Emissary arc) weren’t completely sidelined by fanon.

I’m thinking of those geography maps where each country’s size is determined by population & where some countries look bloated while others are all tiny and pinched together - that’s what I mean. Some parts of canon (the Garashir parts) are huge in fanon while the rest is all tiny & all but disappears.

the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

Amsha Bashir. She is unpopular because people don’t understand her.

AMSHA: You don't know. You've never had a child. You don't know what it's like to watch your son. To watch him fall a little further behind every day. You know he's trying, but something's holding him back. You don't know what it's like to stay up every night worrying that maybe it's your fault. Maybe you did something wrong during the pregnancy, maybe you weren't careful enough, or maybe there's something wrong with you. Maybe you passed on a genetic defect without even knowing it.

AMSHA: No, this is important. You can condemn us for what we did. You can say it's illegal or immoral or whatever you want to say, but you have to understand that we didn't do it because we were ashamed, but because you were our son and we loved you.

I’ve seen a lot of people explain why this is her trying to manipulate Julian or attempting to shift the blame away from herself, but I don’t see why we’re trying so hard to explain why this can’t be what she honestly believes - doesn’t it make sense that she, as a mother, would think this way? React this way? Why can’t this be the truth? Things are complicated. They often are.

By trying to simplify Julian’s feelings about her (because I do think that he genuinely loves his mother!) we’re denying Amsha the space to have conflicted feelings about what she & her husband did & what led them to such drastic action. Presumably they didn’t just wake up one day & decided to have their son augmented, so how did that happen? How did they hear of it, who helped them organise it, who helped them with the forged school files?

I am not saying that what they did was good. I am saying that Amsha is a more complex character than people give her credit for, & I think it's a shame that a lot of people don't see that.

you can’t understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

Weyoun jokes. Specifically the ones referencing the fact that they’re clones & that imply that they’re basically all interchangeable, & that violence basically has no impact on any of them. I don’t know why people like those posts - they’re gross, they’re always weird, & they’re not even funny! Think about what you’re saying when you reblog/post these!

there should be more of this type of fic/art

There should be more Ben Sisko/Kasidy Yates fic & there should be more Ben Sisko/Kasidy Yates art. These two are a canon couple. There are 98 fics in their AO3 tag. Ben Sisko is the only Trek captain to have gotten married onscreen & yet - but then I suppose, given that out of 12,590 works in the DS9 tag, there are less than 700 works that center a romantic/sexual relationship involving Ben Sisko, the literal main character of the show, it makes sense. *sigh emoji*

it’s absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on…

… Bajor. An almost unlimited sandbox in itself because we know next to nothing about it - about its history, its culture(s), its geography, its politics, its language - & yet Bajoran worldbuilding is much harder to come by than Cardassian worldbuilding. Even Bajoran faith(s?) is only sketched out in the show - there is so much to be said here! & so many different ways to go about it. Bajor is one of the show’s main characters!

“Post-Canon Cardassia” is a canonical tag on AO3, but “Post-Canon Bajor” isn’t - typing “post-canon bajor” on AO3 conjures up a grand total of 59 works, against 506 in the “post-canon Cardassia” tag. The prevalence of Garashir fics is probably part of it, but ever since the show aired there seems to have been a bias towards Cardassia among fans (see the producers asking the writers to stop writing episodes about Bajor because they weren’t doing well with the fans). Now, we know that this is a thing & there is an easy way to fix it: get interested in Bajor! Think about it, write about it. You can literally make shit up. It’s fun! I promise!

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heyninja · 2 years

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Episode 5: The Scream-ening

This show continues to take some genre staples and just flip the bitch. I thought from the morning conversation with Porsche and Kinn that Porsche didn't remember anything (which, unfortunately, can be a side-effect of GHB) and I thought OH NO, not this again.

But no. Porsche remembers. He just doesn't know what do do with it. Kinn is treating him like before, maybe worse than before. Porsche is being punished by the bodyguards he's supposed to be in charge of. Kinn flaunts having a different lover right in front of Porsche, and flippantly makes clear to Porsche that whatever it is Porsche is doing with his time, it is of less than any concern to Kinn.

The only marks that Porsche bears from his time with Kinn are the marks of punishment, and his entire bearing, his entire demeanor, shows that he is struggling to find his footing in this space and failing.

Gone is the animated, over-exuberant man who flings himself around and happily inhabits the life of the party. His actions are tempered, small. His face is a mask, his eyes are downcast. When he interacts with Kinn he tends to hunch, to turn aside, to turn the volume down from 10 to barely heard. Even when directly confronting Kinn it's worn down.

Even then, from Kinn's perspective, it's clear that Porsche takes up all the air in the room. When Porsche tells him if Kinn can do whatever he wants, then do it, Kinn physically sways into Porsche like he can't help it. Now, whether Kinn is not allowing himself to name what he feels for Porsche because a) whatever in the past that happened throws a pall over it or b) he literally is just not allowing himself for personal reasons, it's still the same outcome - Kinn will not let himself admit that Porsche is different to him. Despite how his actions are screaming out those differences.

I think, when he got the advice from Pete on how to talk to Porsche, Kinn was honestly just thinking "how to get through to my most dumbass body guard, excellent" and nothing more. And he's clearly super, super bad at the execution. Though it does give Mile the opportunity to show off how he normally handles himself vocally (soft but assured and pointed) versus how Porsche ends up twisting him up (frustrated, snappish, verging on loud).

Also, I mentioned this in one of my gifset tag explosions but: the tryptich scene, where they showed both Porsche and Kinn attempting a casual hookup while BOTH of them were thinking of the episode 4 hookup, and thus neither one of them could get very far because it did not live up to the memory of their time together: chef's kiss. I was screaming into my hands about that.

Anyway, I love the range here of both characters. Porsche withdrawing, trying to find some way to connect to Kinn, and withdrawing even further when those efforts are rebuffed. Kinn trying to find his equilibrium by falling into business as usual and trying to keep his father's good opinion, and still finding no solace, and finding himself in the position of trying to connect with someone on their terms instead of his. Just a REALLY great character study here, especially when neither of them is admitting to their true turmoil out loud.

Mile and Apo just buried everyone with how well they did with these complex emotional interplays and how well acted they were. I am just over the moon about how well they complement each other.

ALSO ALSO. That chase/fight scene. Glad the budget was there for this one, it was so good. I love me some drift compatible battle couples. Seriously my first post on tumblr after I decided to start using it in 2012 was a battle couple post don't @ me.

I believe in the power of being handcuffed together to force people to face their feelings.

(Plus I am waiting for Porchay to wreck Kim's everything by being the sunshiniest cinnamon roll ever and giving him all the feelings. I'll wait.)

#kinnporsche #kinnporsche the series #kinnporsche meta #kinn #porsche #mile phakphum #apo nattawin #i know there was so much emotional turmoil in this #the whump came for us all #but it was so well done #and now the Handcuffs of Emotional Honesty have entered the chat #porsche is my babygirl and i'm not taking any questions #kinn girlboss of my heart #i don't want to talk about vegas right now #i don't know enough about him yet and he's creeping me out so far

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sharonisthebettercarter · 8 months

Text

comics inspired butchlander ideas<3

so.

guess who got inspired~<3 after readin' that loveable trainwreck known as the boys~<3<3<3

it's the original verse that started all the bullshit and definitely worth the read and messages being discussed and it's definitely not any worse or even as bad as the show is 'edge'wise (def got surpassed there!). plus it really does feel like its own secret playbook/au for the show with some unique insight on the characters and story lmao<3 may also do a bit of concept breakdown idk

heads up! long long post ahead butt~ i'll split this into segments with some bold and <3<3<3 highlighting each idea<3

butt~ full disclosure~<3...

they abso-fuckin'-lutely~ confirm billy butcher as the biggest fuckin' bottom of the entire series<3<3<3 the bratty bossy baby type (with a soft boi side~!) who even is THE GUY who confirms homelander's canonically huge dong~<3! and even just spiritually, I CANNOT<3<3<3 (if i don't fuckin' count the lovely show boi un-fuckin'-ironically calling himself an alpha male and how gotdamn CUTE that motherfucker who plays him is. FUCKING MAN PUPPY with them big ass wide pretty eyes and adorable nose and perfect second trimester belly when he gains just a little bit of chub<3<3<3)

i don't much imagine the actors/actresses *directly* anyhow when i write/read (kinda some features i may like do stay, but i do LOVE to play with them sometimes, some comic features generally tend to stick (namely muscle cause i need it), and moar often am picturing some kind of 3d/actor/comic amalgamation in wolf among us (game) style cause i'm weird i guess) who knows, maybe i might pick up a pen and actually draw what's in my head for once even tho its been goddamn years--

and boi oh fuckin' boi did these things gimme some fantastic au ideas, combined and separate cause why the fuck not~<3 we can always do BOTH (as i normally do anyway lol) ;))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

anywho~<3

visceral reactions to being bad for homie<3<3<3

listen.

so this shit was an INSTANT creative boner for me y'all that i CANNOT for the life of me figure out why people wouldn't wanna further explore this! like holy fuck, i know how much bad~<3 homie is dearly loved, but what about fix-its and GOOD~<3 homie (no i do not mean superman but we're gonna dive a bit into that lore), or. OR. get this... homie who is good but for the WRONG reasons~<3<3<3 ;)))))))))))))))))))

like~ wanting to genuinely be the best fucking hero out of 'vindictive personal glory and pettiness'~<3<3<3 or simply because he literally 'cannot be bad' without reacting!<3<3<3

for a breakdown, in the comics, homie is gaslit into oblivion into thinking he is and then being bad (sort of an 'i think, therefore i am' evolving into 'i can, therefore i must' complex) and there's pretty much a build up to reveal he was never actually the 'villain' he was painted as from the start. (spoiler alert, butcher is much fucking worse) part of that includes him having visceral reactions to doing truly evil things he full well knows are legit evil

whether a mental breakdown, some mirror~ talk, or even him actually throwing up, the boi legit had a bodily *rejection* to evil and i just...

i couldn't help thinkin', well what if he *knew* it wasn't him because of this reaction, and he couldn't be gaslit... opens up a new can o worms, don't it~<3

just imagine the chaos to be had with this poor boi having to lose his goddamn lunch everytime he either does a bad mission for vought or is just fuckin' mean or lies to someone<3 it'd be fucking GLORIOUS<3!

imagine~<3 butcher getting 'infected' with homelander's peculiar 'affliction' thinking he's caught that 'raging case a vagina' only for it to turn out to be a 'raging case a morning sickness' for poor billy boo~<3<3<3

but beyond that, there are a couple lines that play in my head for his interactions with butcher and how he could take being accused given his... well, alibi lmao! things like~

"why don't you like me? everyone likes me."

"no, i think i'll just... continue to do the right thing. i love how much it grates you when people have a legitimate reason to adore me and especially when they cheer for me."

and my personal favorite~<3

"i'm the real hero. die mad about it."

because who doesn't love a sassy fine boi~<3<3<3!!

anywho~, this actually leads into the next bit which was actually an idea i had learning about the comics even before reading them. i have seen it played with somewhat?? though not really quite like this or in this capacity. BUTT~<3

detective husbands<3<3<3

or not quite there but getting there lol. this one definitely requires a key plot point from the comic in which homie was framed for what happened to becky (and others), but can still be combined with show elements or relate back to the show. the difference being that he is fully aware that he didn't do it and wants to find out, even help butcher know, who done it...

clone games are of course an option there, but i'm actually surprised that no one's thought about using doppleganger as the rapist. we know he can morph into anyone and is already an undercover rapist for vought's blackmailing, it's really not all that far fetched to consider he might end up taking certain 'looks' for joy rides and doing awful things to scared people. i for one think doppleganger is actually a great character for exploration and story twists, butt i digress

basically, this idea hinges on homelander *not* being the true culprit and offering to help~<3 it can also absolutely be combined with the last one<3<3 and even moar~<3<3<3

but mostly, i do love me that delectable idea of these two motherfuckers working together to figure out the truth~<3 and homie being the BEST worst soldier that butcher could ever possibly ask for. technically, homie can still be a huge dumpster fire for this as long as he didn't commit *this* specific crime, even different levels of trash fire, or clean as a whistle~<3

maybe with a dropped quote from marcus aurelius~<3 to help things along--"punish only he who has committed the crime."

so long as butcher finds him useful (OH--), homie's pretty much a shoo-in for the group shenanigans, he could be another vas but stronger~<3<3<3

aaaaaand~ since i mentioned it

clone games and shadow homie<3<3<3

clones are an obvious oldie, but a goodie i think. i also think they give lots of different people mixed feelings. it can for sure feel corny and overplayed (especially in the comics genre which lmao, let's be honest is a fuckin' cornfest in general), but can also be pretty cool and interesting, even thought provoking when done well.

side note~ i do think it was done well in the comic, if you go in knowing what to expect (and i honestly expected worse), you see the signs and build up even from very early in the comics. (also billy wut the fuck you stupid stupid entrapping clone accomplice cunt, how the fuck could you not be the slightest bit suspicious when a mountain of clearly very STAGED photos falls into your lap?? oh that's right motherfucker, ya don't actually care whether people are guilty or not as long as they're supes--)

but the abruptness in the way it changes the dynamic and understanding in what's actually occurred can give whiplash. it makes you realize just how tragic homelander's situation really is and then fully robs you of any enjoyment of his death because it is just that fucked up. start to end, you realize he never had a life of his own... and that's... that fuckin' hits. HARD.

in addition to unveiling that the story has been following its biggest villain the whole time, the themes are flipped entirely on its head, suddenly the *people* who were villainized and getting taken down are the ones who need saving and ooooooh... it fuckin' hurts, but it is VERY well done. especially when you realize that the story LAID THIS OUT from the very beginning~!

ugh, enough of that concept breakdown lmao.

basically clones are gonna be hit or miss for lots a folks, tho i do think it stems more from misunderstanding/bad stories and post hoc association, granted it can be an easy concept to fuck up (but also make flourish)

butt~ what about fanfic~<3?

OH. i see the opportunity~<3 and i am once again so disappoint no one else is gettin' creative! obviously, this one does hinge a bit more on the comic, but it can connect~<3 (can't do both~?;)))))))

the clone is.... well, there's a small part of me (micro~) that i must admit does feel kinda bad for him. in the same way i feel bad for the joker. in which this motherfucker is literally, legitimately, completely fucking insane?? and it's well... it's *difficult* to plainly judge a very broken mind as you would a 'normie'. (stiiiiiiil fuckin' hate 'em)

and in a way, i get it. to be *made* for one fucking purpose and then denied fulfilling it puts a mind in a fucked up place. he actually sorta mirrored homelander. both created for purpose, but while one was expected to meet a standard he was *not* prepared for, the other *was* prepared for his standard, and then denied the chance to meet it.

and there's a lot that can be explored there just between homie and the clone. especially if the clone *tells* him early on. ;) twin bros is also technically an option which i'll get to with shadowlander~<3 (which is not *quite* a twin)

butt. when it comes to clones, something that does often get explored is rapid deterioration of them or them coming out 'wrong' from damaged DNA. there's a whole somethin' there to be explored with an OG homie and a deteriorating clone or possibly more than one clone, cause why not? in the comics, his clone was an 'upgrade', but what if he hadn't been? better yet, what if they failed multiple times? what if the mental breakdown and subsequent framing of homie was the result of the physical and mental deterioration?

the deterioration itself could have even been a contingency plan to their original contingency plan (which honestly, TOTAL amateur move not to have one... BATMAN would have thought of one!) and these themes could be explored to bittersweet effect or even just sweet if the clone *does* tell him, and they work things out/team up against vought<3

combine the two (deterioration/team up) for a super tragic bittersweet feel that could even revolve around homie saving/failing his clone/brother/only friend... </3

OUCH.

moving on~ multiple clones because they all deteriorate rapidly. now THIS is a fuckin' fire starter... especially if the REAL homie is the one to never see the light of day, specifically because they *can't* make the contingency plan.

and here's where it gets REAL fun~<3 in this case, OG homie never sees light of day. one of the clones does commit the crime since they're all crazy *almost*, but the clones themselves keep dying, and public sometimes trashfire homie is a new clone every time and has many many many many doomsday arcs that he seemingly *recovers* from every time (new clone, who dis?... LMAO PERFECT. title right there!), vought changes things up.

public homie is the clones, he is always the clones. og homie (johnny boi~<3) becomes their contingency (assassin~) when needed since he is the only perfect one and he is very *very* well trained (as a weapon). (this can also super play into homie's anxiety for why they kept him behind the scenes too, noir can be show noir~<3, bit of role reversal actually)

kicker being when billy either *sees* og homie killing one of the clones, or has one of the deteriorating clones *literally* die and deteriorate/dissolve on top/in front of him as it's trying to kill him. it could even be one of the saner/good clones (or one that discovers homie) who finds and sends the pictures (of another clone, comic) to try get the boys to freee the real homie and stop vought

because i LOVE the idea of big dumb animal completely unused to human interaction homie coming under billy's wing, and billy definitely DEFINITELY abusing his trust and planning to use him as a weapon before~<3 well... let's just say that homie's story, general innocence (here), and need for comfort could do *things* to billy's cold dead heart<3

that one can also be combined with visceral reactions. and this homie would likely have never been with another person~<3 (what a cutie~!)

the a/b/o wrench could def be thrown in there in a special way too (thrown in like normal every other time~<3 the world def needs more omega butcher<3<3<3) but for the clones, they're all made betas/ pseudo or normal alphas while homie...

is a very rare type of prime (mmmmhmmm~<3 lol) or true alpha deemed too dangerous for society (bullshit of course, but omegas would likely be very common in this world and run things, alphas like homie would be killed at birth ordinarily, and the clones deteriorating could be explained by the tampered dna to make them 'normal'.)

i do also adore the idea that only a prime/true alpha can get a male omega pregnant for this kinda world setting~<3 (or even that they can get other normal *alphas* pregnant/bitch them) and that of course is an idea that can be used for any canon/au, show or comic.

how crazy would it be for billy to discover homie is an actual alpha and then use it against him to destroy his rep/turn people against him? it would be very on point, and could also result in an arranged bonding situation to *tame the dangerous alpha* with a *calm and rational omega*, guess who i have in mind~<3<3<3 ;)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

of course, homie's super sperm is still always an option because i love mpreg and bitching~<3<3<3

back to the topic. shadowlander/twins. twins are pretty self explanitory and of course, ideas can be combined. basically there were two and one got treated way way different. one or both finding out could either cause hella resentment, or these bois teaming up~<3<3<3

shadow homie... is a bit more complicated? and sparked from wanting the 'clone' framing situation AND show noir~<3 in which homie has a power he has no clue about because he has a literal dark side that can separate from his body. likely a manifestation that protected him when he was young (i love those imaginary friend type powers<3) that grew to be something... moar (and terrifying)

this kinda goes similar to the concept of mirrorlander and homie having DID, but a little different and more accurate to what's actually going on (on the show based on interview, and a little more respectful i do hope. DID is commonly used in explorations of duality and 'evil dangerous dark side' but it doesn't quite... help with common misconceptions about the disorder. just my two cents, if i were gonna explore this, i'd wanna flip it with a good personality that legit cockblocks homie every time he tries to do bad and is fighting for control/is the one causing visceral reactions to evil~<3)

but back to shadowhomie. basically, when homie was little, his literal powers created this demon to protect him. BUTT, as homie grew to no longer need him, he was caged up. and locked away. and forgotten. never a good combo and bound to cause issue~<3

so what happens? well, he has a 'clone' as this thing... developed. but he doesn't know it. shadow lander would likely hold everything dark about homie, in essence a literal manifestation of what his trauma created in him being *expelled* from his body and if not protecting him... well...

this kinda thing could also fuck around with homie's powers and make them act up a bit weirdly, maybe split what power he does or doesn't have/make them inconsistent, shadowlander splitting from him and not being with him could also be an explanation for homie's visceral reactions~<3 (full circle~<3)

but with this scenario, homie's not the culprit, but also... he is the culprit. but also not. yesn't.

i've always loved exploration in duality, and i like the idea of that side being able to fully separate, because it makes for great complexities and creative freedom. including giving homie his own doomsday arc~! (if you are unfamiliar with superman lore, i basically mean homie will end up fighting his dark side and ''''''dying''''''<3)

and that battle could be spectacular on its own when you consider that as a 'part' of homie, shadowlander could end up 'linked' to him. one gets hurt, the other does too. which always makes for... interesting fights. or since homie is the OG, it only works one way in which shadow homie gets hurt, but he wont, but maybe shadow homie is stronger overall to counterbalance it.

end result would be a struggle to 'reabsorb'/'kill' shadow homie, and to tie it back into the doomsday arc, billy could end up super fucking sad and depressed post '''''death''''' battle after a whole ass journey realizing 'oh shit, homie's *not* the bad guy' and also 'oh shit, i think i fell in love with him when i tripped, fell, and landed on his dick'... perhaps unknowingly with a little one on the way~<3<3<3 ;)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

twin works in place of shadowlander like the original clone too.

last thing i'll say is that i'm actually surprised they haven't used the clone option in the show given they have antony starr as homelander (*coughs in outrageous fortune* lmao). he's a guy who coulda pulled it off with flying colors and it honestly has me wondering if they may have a plan for a clone being made/used for the finale but a bit differently

MOVING ON~<3!

assassin homie and the boi who LEARNS<3<3<3

assassin homie is a fun one~<3

let's start with the 'boi who LEARNS'<3 what does that even mean? well, basically it means homie discovers he was gaslit and framed before shit hits the fan, and that he has a clone as a contingency plan... so what does he do~?

welp, couple options there between straight up murder/assassination~, getting people fired or getting them to resign, he basically takes out every single last person who *can* give the order for the clone to destroy him--

so that there's no one left who *can* give the order...

the result?

well, in someone as fucking unstable as the clone, this could cause a self destruct, he would implode/explode/everything inbetween. but ultimately be likely to destroy himself faced with a situation where he can never meet the objective he was made to meet. it's almost cruel, but it's basically a checkmate from homelander where he personally dismantles vought and gets the clone to destroy itself with minimal effort.

oooh~<3 scary and exhilarating<3<3<3

couple paths from there, either homie fucks off to be alone, total supe anarchy chaos without vought and he's around, or he takes full control of what's left of vought and OOOOHHHH~<3 OPTIONS~<3!

butt~ the fact of the matter would definitely fuck billy's (comic) plans to oblivion since... well, the boys could just go to homelander to stop him<3<3<3 if billy is stupid enough to actually try to follow through that is<3 or leave billy in a... peculiar spot.

he'd probably be there expecting a big final fight with homelander, and instead he'd get the clone destroying itself, homie was actually not guilty the whole time, and he doesn't even lift a finger to get the job done that billy had been trying to do for over a fucking decade.

"that's gotta sting..."

it also deals with a moar dangerous~<3 homie that actually uses that big brain and high iq of his<3<3<3

but with the options it does leave, there are certainly windows for... futures<3 lmao, brighter or darker actually.

something like this could make billy totally lose his drive and obsession even if homelander goes full tyrant on vought scraps because not only was he wrong, he didn't even manage to get the revenge he wanted. everything he claimed was for becky/becca (while knowing she would hate it) was pretty much for nothing in the end.

homelander could either make himself a 'villain' for billy just to snap him out of it, or even (while tyranting) implement changes that are good/more strict for vought superheros and come to check on billy.

things could even be unbearably NORMAL and they fall in love like the world's most boring average couple ever since its all over<3<3<3 (love me some vanilla shit and marshmallow billy boo<3 his canon submissiveness for people he loves his adorable<3<3<3)

it works similarly in reverse too, where homie fucks off and tells the world to fuck off since he's lost hope after that bullshit, and billy (begrudgingly) has to finally, FINALLY fucking swallow his pride and convince homie to come help them clean up/chaos is happening/major threats on the horizon they need homie for~<3<3<3

and homie OF COURSE<3 being stubborn<3 as billy tries to make him see reason that the world is worth protecting... maybe inadvertently doing so when they start banging and homelander gets billy boo up the duff~<3<3<3

but going back to assassin~<3 homie. i kinda like the idea of him apprehending and intercepting the supes the boys go after, even doing the jobs more efficiently than they could depending on scenario of course. 'making the boys obsolete' homie is another creative boner of mine and he is gorgeous~<3<3<3

but of course. not the only method. there's also the one who goes after billy~<3

of course, he'd need to get stopped and put on some kind of truce with him for butchlander, but then it can absolutely go back to him making the boys 'obsolete' to get rid of them<3 love me some dangerous predator homie<3<3<3

fact is, the boys has the 'hunted' taking aim at the 'hunter', classic trope, but it makes for some magical cat and mouse games~<3 assassin homie dials up his danger and discretion up to 1100 for sure. and there is A LOT that can be done with that<3<3<3

hate fucking<3<3<3

pretty self explanitory~<3

mostly, i just wanna drop that billy loving hate fucking is canon BOTH ways~<3<3<3 (gotta LOVE maeve taking control and his lazy lover ways~, can only IMAGINE what *show* raynor did to him<3<3<3) as is his submissive sweet bean marshmallow fluffy boi bottom tendencies when he falls in love like literally admits to becky being the first woman on top in the comic HE'S JUST SO FUCKING ADORABLE I--<3<3<3

butt. the boi is also super self destructive by habit for sure. he purposely, consistently, deliberately, bites off WAY fucking moar than he can chew for the explicit purpose of getting his ass handed to him. (literally how he meets becky. is his obvious death wish fucking showing yet)

and with a guy like homie?? he'd definitely *want* it to hurt hella bad and would definitely~ push for fighting turned into fucking... and getting overpowered each time<3

can of course be combined with other ideas~<3

the mud people/supe dilemma and compound V<3<3<3

this is just another canon dropping for both continuities. while not impossible for supes to sleep with humans... it IS portrayed as... *difficult*.

in the comics, it's more specific, but both the show and comic actually give examples of strength disparity being an issue and normal humans getting hurt. mm mentions what happens to the sex workers at herogasm, and that poor writer guy gets his dick snapped off.

the comics take it another step and show us people can and often do use drugs cut with V in order to be able to keep up, so to speak. (the only real thing to mention about v is that it comes in many more different forms in the comic that def could be explored<3)

but going back to the supe/human thing, i would wager that it (obviously) varies for supes for how *difficult* it is to maintain control when with humans. homelander obviously would be the top of that list.

and listen. y'all. i could not be fucking paid to miss an opportunity for the super dick. with great fucking *power* comes great *fucking* power LEMME TELL YA<3<3<3

if i have a chance to write about super dick, i won't miss it BECAUSE~<3

no refractory period~<3

super fucking stamina~<3<3<3

fingers, tongue, and dick can be VIBRATED with superspeed~<3<3<3<3<3<3

this motherfucker is the PERFECT<3 service top.

combined with that diamond shatting flesh destroying clencher atrocity out the back and i--.

ice princess, but worse.

lmao. the superman archetype ALWAYS tops. he just does. he needs to for the sake of his partner. it is a fact of life or you're doin' it wrong cause you have just missed the greatest golden opportunity for one HELL~<3<3<3 of a GOTDAMN GOOD fuckin' time that CANNOT be beat.

legit.

what a terrible tragedy and great disservice to miss out on this, i just... i couldn't. i would literally die. literally.

anywho~<3

"i quit" and early retirement<3<3<3

kinda self explanatory<3 again comes back to comics with them pics but can just deal with billy accusing homie however, whenever. tho the premise once again does come back to he *didn't* do it.

basically, the second the accussation comes out? homie... quits.

for an actual good reason too, or at least an attempt at good. (can just be homie being petty and hurt, works best if his record is spotless otherwise i think but also good if he's being extra extra petulant) but the good reason is him thinking he's lost time and hurt people, and not wanting to hurt anyone else/get to the bottom of things on his own if he doesn't think it was him for whatever reason.

as always lmao, can be tied back to others such as the visceral reactions, or idk, maybe the motherfucker actually has a hobby this time. it goes back to billy having to convince him to help instead<3<3<3

definitely love the world ending option here, maybe yellowstone is about to erupt or something and only homelander can stop it. i have an idea there that i will go into another time just to not add anymore tangents here. same goes for secret identity~<3 since that's more general<3

butt~<3

the other part of this is a homie who quit a long long time ago as soon as the first accusations (from others, not billy) started rolling in and fucked off to live a quiet life. it does tie in back to the clone shenanigans, multiple bad ones or one is fine. but this OG homie is an overpowered beast and--gentle giant<3.

basically, he's calm cause he has his 'girls' (milking animals lmao), a small farm, cabin by a lake, and is living a solitary life in peace as a mountain man (also inspired by starr's obsession with being a mountain man lmao). and maybe he's got hobbies, idk

however... billy, while going after the clone gets badly injured. that's where this mofo steps in. he could handle it then and there or the conflict is saved for later and he just helps billy, but either way, he takes billy back to his cabin and nurses him back to health. existensial crisis ensues~<3

possible fighting with billy demanding he handle the fucking clone if he hasn't and homie just being a... passive neutral bug. do love me the doc manhattan approach<3<3<3

there's something about rebuilding a lost hope superman/super powerful character that just makes me so happy<3

the real homie can also do other things like run a goddamn candy store or somethin, and the secret identity aspect can also def be used, maybe they're neighbors<3

maybe billy's been secretly getting railed by the retired asshole the whole goddamn time~<3<3<3

billy's final evil plan works?? and the "crossed" option<3<3<3

kinda. this one hinges back to comics (obviously, all these prompts are comic inspired lmao) with billy's worst idea ever actually succeeding, sorta, whether he skips to the finish line out of desperation or any of the above reasons or other keep homie alive, he succeeds in changing the landscape of the world.

and it backfires~<3

(tho if ya wanna go real depressing, he could actually succeed and they die in each others arms, do have to throw that one out)

butt anywho~<3 backfiring.

it can either kill all the normal humans, leaving only supes, or change a bunch of humans, kill some, and leave only supes.

it can also cause a legit zombie apocalypse. cause knowing billy... let's just be honest, it would. it absolutely would. and the zombies would function exactly like those in 'crossed' (another work by ennis i am hella interested in but fuck me they are expensive), congrats billy, you fucked the world!

in the 'crossed' crossover (lmao), supes could be immune and billy inadvertently makes homie the last best hope for human survival... and he can be a remarkably shitty one or he can actually be great or gradually learn~<3 but personally, it does seem poetic that billy would inadvertently create billions of what he was allegedly trying to destroy. that is monstrous humans with no humanity.

in a regular dystopia where people just died a lot, classic tropes from a/b/o come into play (arranged mating/population boost/control for butchlander anyone~?) and maybe even homelander being the only one who knows what billy did/tried to do and hiding the now most wanted man on earth (or maybe they do know and billy being an omega is the only thing that saves his life)

as always ideas can be combined goddammit fuck me i am tired this thing took me DAYS and if there is anything i've forgotten or want to add?

i will just make a goddamn part two (do plan for some show inspired ones too~!) or combine it with another set a prompts cause

holy fuck--

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dirty-droid · 6 months

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🗣️Talk about your favourite WIP, please!

FUCK YEAH

It can't be anything other than Brotherhood, I honestly thought I was done working on the Corruption series, that my muse had left, that I just wasn't going to be able to finish it and maybe I wasn't going to be writing much anymore at all, but I got a lovely serial commenter who spurred me back into it and now I'm even hoping and planning to go above and beyond.

It honestly feels like it's my masterpiece, it's something new that I am bringing to the fandom, as the Hankconkus OT3 is pretty underground, so I'm very proud of myself for putting an entire long ass chapter fic out there. PLUS I've put at least 13,000 words into chapter 4 alone, which feels fucking insane, I'm honestly dumbfounded about it still, especially because it's not done yet?? Someone pinch me.

And honestly I think a lot of it is some of the best writing I've done, I'm not the same guy I was when I started posting on AO3, I've got my head so much more on my shoulders now.

I've got so many little characterization things that I stumbled upon that I think are really clever, (has anyone ever had Markus be sensitive about his knees being touched in a fic before? Man lost his fucking legs at the knees, don't push his legs back like that, don't trigger my boy). Like I'm not going to say that it's not still clumsy, I don't think I'm ever going to post something that isn't, but it's always worth the mortifying ordeal of being seen.

It still just makes me fucking feral, Hank and Connor and Markus all coming together and getting things they didn't know they needed, becoming so much stronger together, balancing each other out, providing more support than any of them could get from only one of them.

Actually, the entire corruption series has evolved even further, after Brotherhood, I want Connor to start experimenting with his sexuality and his comfort zone outside of the little sci fi age play program I gave him, and start attempting sexual interaction totally sober, no training wheels. Poor boy has a panic attack planned for him, trying to give himself pleasure in front of his lovely boyfriends, feeling as though he doesn't deserve pleasure, or attention or affection. That he wasn't made for it and it wasn't made for him... And Markus can help walk him out of that in a way that Hank can't. Maybe by interface, but also just because I think it is so beautiful that Connor could be so loved by both of the men who helped him choose deviancy and a life for himself, they saved him and they're saving him everyday.

It's just so fucking sweet and also at some point, he'll finally lose his virginity with both of his lovers, and he'll be able to enjoy it completely. And Markus gets sloppy seconds because fuck that's hot and also anal double penetration and of course Connor eventually gets a vag and Markus and Connor fuck about him placing the order in Markus' office and when it arrives they show it to Hank together and MORE double penetration... Listen, Hank is just a lucky guy, these dudes keep him busy and on his toes, he loves feeling needed and a couple of very intense robots who just got feelings sometimes just need a set of hairy old man tits to scream into it, what else would he possibly be doing if not providing that?

Thank you so much for asking!!!

#You know I could probably go on but I have to go do my job now and that's probably more than enough 🤣#dean talks to himself #ask game #hankcon #hankus #rk1k #hankconkus

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gutsfics · 8 months

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pls google top and bottom and bdsm. many queers are into bdsm too (like me). things like you said tonight hurt and diminish us. i want to educate you so you know there are more than one meaning and i hope it isn't your wish to hurt us. i like your blog and i hope you would post this to educate. i don't want to unfollow but this is not the first time you did this and i am start to feel like you are not safe.

okay i have googled it (just so we're on the same page i haven't used google in about a year as i haven't found it trustworthy since people started being able to pay for their sites to show up in search results first. i use duckduckgo)

here's one article i found

and another

and here's two more that specifically mention BDSM

what this search has done for me has confirmed that the terms "top" and "bottom" originated in gay communities specifically in reference to whether one is penetrating or being penetrated during sex (and just to get it out of the way, yes i am aware that penetration doesn't always happen in sex), and adopted by other communities to mean other things

and like. yeah man. that happens with language. language is fluid, words change their meaning with time and location.

my problem, which i am fully aware i have never properly articulated and that is on me 100%, is the way these words have evolved to mean what they mean in different communities.

in both gay and straight communities, the act of penetration is seen as masculine and the act of being penetrated is seen as feminine. how often is it expected that the big burly bear masc tops the tiny flowy femme twink? and in straight communities, a man being pegged by a woman is seen as emasculating and shameful as being penetrated is seen as a woman's role. yes, times are changing and these views are being challenged, but these views have to exist first to be challenged. if they didn't exist, this would be a nonissue. topping and bottoming has essentially just become the gender binary 2 in vanilla communities.

so surely you can understand why i am made uncomfortable when a word that is used to mean penetration is also used to mean dominant and in control, and when a word used to mean being penetrated is used to mean submissive. you can penetrate while being submissive and you can be penetrated while being dominant.

besides, it's not like there aren't any other words to refer to who's in control and who isn't in BDSM spaces. that's what "dom" and "sub" refer to.

i am also aware that not all sex has dominant and submissive roles in it.

granted, while i myself am interested in BDSM, i haven't interacted with any BDSM community, irl or online, and i can understand how my own- rather limited- knowledge and experiences can lead me to saying something hurtful to someone. i am truly sorry for hurting you, anon. not every thought i post to this blog is given the same amount of consideration and thought as this post.

that being said, i would like to reiterate what i said last night about your final line, anon. do not hold yourself hostage in my inbox again. i will not respond to any further attempts to guilt trip me like this, from you or anyone else. if you want to unfollow me, you can unfollow me and i will not hold that against you. you have to curate your own experience to truly feel safe on the internet, i know this first hand.

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halliescomut · 8 months

Text

So....I don't generally like to call ppl out on the Internet, but I can't be silent about this, because it's a little creepy and weird (honestly more like a lot creepy). Got served a TikTok today about Jeff and Barcode...

I did mark out the name of the creator, because I'm not trying to send hate their way, but I am very much disgusted by the implications of the text that they put in the TikTok.

Now if you're confused about why this is upsetting, in general with BL characters, the couple names follow a common order--that order being TopBottom. In the case of acting pairs, often fans will take that order and apply it to the actors pairing name, so PayuRain is BossNoeul, WinTeam is BounPrem, etc. The text insinuates that Barcode is becoming the top because he is now taller than Jeff, and may be more muscular. It's feeding into a trope that any gay man who is shorter, slighter of build, must be a bottom. It's giving very much "real men don't get fucked, they do the fucking". Now I would think that it's fairly obvious that this is a damaging and quite misogynistic viewpoint, but I will break it down a little further for you why.

The trope in BL stories of having the bottom be physically smaller, have more delicate features, perhaps behave more 'femininely' is damaging for two specific reasons. It reinforces the misogynistic idea that feminine traits are inherently lesser than masculine ones, and it perpetuates a potentially harmful stereotype, creating the idea that a man must behave a certain way based on what their preference is in bed. Now you may say "well this is just tropes in a show" but there are real world consequences to these ideas. If you interact AT ALL regularly with queer men, you will likely have encountered a man who was bullied and even assaulted because someone perceived them as being 'too feminine'. We know of actual cases of more 'effeminate' men being discriminated against, or being told to tone things down, recently PP Kritt in his performance at the SongShan music festival. There's been an ongoing discussion in China regarding how to make sure men 'stay masculine' even.

And the rigidness around positions portrayed in much of BL, kind of across the board, not even just in East Asian or South East Asian BL, is incredibly inaccurate to actual reality. The reality is that the VAST majority of gay men will engage on both sides of the sexual dynamic. Verses are the norm, no matter what BL would lead you to believe. That's not to say there aren't people and couples with preferences they tend to stick to, there certainly are, but that's not going to be the most common experience.

Now let's step back into the issue I have with this video. It's not okay to speculate publicly on the sexual practices of strangers on the internet. We have NO confirmation of any type of romantic relationship between these men, so speculating on their sexual dynamic is already taking a leap. But even if we DID have confirmation. Even if we were talking about a pair that we know 100% are together like Porsche and Arm, making comments about their sex life openly on Beyonce's internet...not okay. Don't do that. It's wildly inappropriate, and honestly pretty creepy. If you simply MUST speculate, do so in private spaces, like a discord or group chat.

I do also want to point out that beyond the problematic behavior of speculating publicly about a stranger's sexuality, it's simply not your business, in regards to EA and SEA actors it can be dangerous. While most of those countries do not consider homosexuality to be illegal, there are still very few that have legal protections set in place for queer people. Meaning if these men were to lose sponsorships, brand deals, potential roles, because of their 'perceived sexuality' based off of internet rumors--then they may not have any legal recourse against any of those companies. And MANY posts that assert things like this do tag the ship names, meaning it's fairly easily locatable with keyword searches.

So just....think twice before you post speculations about any celebrity's sexuality. And don't publicly discuss the dynamics of an actual real person's sexual preferences. Because it's gross.

#Creepy fandom behavior #Thai BL #Japanese BL #Taiwanese BL #Korean BL #Vietnamese BL #Filipino BL #American BL #British BL

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filet-o-feelings · 1 year

Text

Fic Origin Story

tagged by @stereopticons @smallumbrella369 and @jesuisici33

What was your first fandom (reading and/or writing)?

I'm fairly certain the first fics I read were Hanson (I remember a fic specifically with a lot of Phil Collins references???), and the first fandom I wrote for and made friends in was Good Charlotte. I have thankfully since moved on from RPF. The first non-RPF fandom I read fic for was Sherlock, briefly, but I didn't write anything.

What was the first story you ever wrote (even if it was never posted) and what made you decide to write it?

Uhh I don't remember and I don't want to dig through my livejournal accounts (I started new LJs constantly lol) trying to find it, but it was probably a GC Billy/Benji. I'm guessing my reason for writing it was that I wanted to make the pretty band boys kiss. The first fic I specifically remember was for The Used/Mest crossover about Quinn mysteriously showing up in town with no memory after waking up in a cave(???) and it was my first serious attempt at a chapter fic and I never finished it and that still haunts me.

What’s a piece of advice you would give to your younger fic-writing self?

Just keep writing!

What’s an early fandom interaction that stuck with you (be it a nice comment, a friend you made, a fic that got a lot of feedback etc.)?

Wayyyy back in the LJ days, I made so many friends, including a few I've met in real life and am still friends with. The comments were (and continue to be!) always so fun and encouraging.

More recently, because I feel like Schitt's Creek is the first fandom I've really immersed myself in, I think just how immediately I was accepted into the fandom despite being very late to the party. Specifically, I remember @stereopticons always including me in ask games from the start and offering to beta when I was new and had no idea what I was doing and crying out for help in tumblr. Also @treluna4 yelling with me about my fic when I was feverishly writing Further North and desperately needed to yell about it. But honestly, every kudos and comment made (and makes!) me so happy and made me want to keep writing. I will never stop screaming about how amazing and welcoming this fandom is on the whole.

Post a sentence or two from one of your older fics, and a sentence or two from a newer one (if you want).

Okay I found one of my old LJ accounts and actually came across the aforementioned amnesia fic, so here's a bit from that:

“Yeah I’m sure, and you’re not an inconvenience. Like I said before, don’t worry. We’ll talk in the morning.” Matt said sternly, making sure the blonde knew that he wasn’t in the way. He didn’t want to create any more worries for him, he surely had enough on his mind. Ironic that forgetting just about everything on one’s mind will only create seemingly more on the mind. Erased memories become worry and fear and millions of thoughts racing to fill up the empty space. “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.” Matt added before leaving his room and closing the door behind him.

As for something newer, from Everything's Too Cold... But You're So Hot:

They round a corner and the man, after quickly checking over his shoulder, pulls him down an alley before pressing him against a wall and covering Patrick’s mouth with a hand adorned with several wide, silver rings. Patrick thinks briefly that the combination of warm skin and cool metal has no right to feel this nice against his mouth, but then the man’s face is tucked into his neck and his mouth is inches away from his ear and Patrick can’t help but shiver when the hot breath reaches his skin and he registers the words moments after they’ve been spoken: “My name is David and I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend. Please, trust me.”

Too tired to tag. If you haven't been tagged and want to do this, please do!

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starlight-edith · 11 months

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Yes deceptive editing is illegal. That's why Adam Waldman was kicked off of the case. He also refused to testify about any of his illegal behavior citing attorney client privilege.

People care because of the larger social implications, right. Some people like you view it as so obviously that she's a lying abusive gold digger you would have to be deranged about thinking men can't be abused. Some people think it's one of the most well documented public cases of abuse and are highly disturbed about the way Depp was able to spin the case, use abusive litigation to keep pushing her into court, even after being legally declared a wife beater in his UK case, all because he did illegally leak edited information before the trial to prejudice public opinion and then the judge made the horrific decision to live broadcast rape testimony.

Obviously the reason we all care not because it's someone's favorite rich celebrity (especially Amber Heard was a B list celebrity AT BEST - no one who takes her side is really doing it as a stan). For me, because I have read hundreds of pages of court documents, it's also about how we (and he) treat bisexual women. He admitted to defacing paintings from her ex wife and was jealous of how much they interacted. There's witness testimony of the way he acted when she was around other women. Constant slut shaming and even calling her slurs in text (he justified this in court by saying homophobia wasn't bad in 2014).

You seem like you don't have an in-depth grasp of the facts of the case, which is fine, and you don't have to, but if that's the case you shouldn't judge other people for thinking she's the real abuse victim. You can't assume someone is an unsafe person if you don't know much about what happened. Again I'm fine with coming off anon and sending you links or answering questions if you do care, but it's completely fine if you'd rather not waste your time on rich celebrity drama - just don't lose good mutuals over it if you've decided not to look further into it

Hi again nonny! I have two related things to talk about so I’m splitting this into sections. Thanks for being so civil and I apologize if anything I say comes off as attacking or anything like that in the personal section, I just have a lot of feelings if that makes sense.

Explaining my position:

I’ll just show you the screenshot

The reason this makes me wary is because of how demeaning it is.

It turns “I believe this man is a victim of abuse by a woman and I want to show my support because I know how fucking hard it is for abused men to be believed or get any type of support whatsoever” into “uwu captain Jack sparrow is blameless :)”

I’m taking this the way I am because it perfectly mirrors my experience. For reference, I am a trans man. I was taken SO much more seriously when I was viewed as a battered woman. As soon as I transitioned it turned into “you wanted it” and “women can’t hurt men because men always have the power” I was thirteen and entirely oblivious to sex, she was 16 and I trusted her even when she made me commit literal crimes because SHE had the power in that scenario.

With AH/JD it’s different obviously because he’s older and has more connections.

My problem is not with either of them, nor either side’s supporters, it’s the fact that the people on heard’s side 9 times out of 10 are echoing the sentiment that pushed me into fucking hiding, forced me to pretend I wasn’t hurt, and convinced me it was all my fault because I wanted it.

It’s not the cause they’re supporting, as a survivor I support my peers to the best of my ability, loudly and proudly when appropriate, it’s the WAY they’re doing it.

You cannot claim to support victims whilst also making fun of them — this applies to both sides!!! I HATED all the memes about “my dog stepped on a bee” and the way people laughed at AHs description of violent rape by Depp. I also hate it when AH supporters say things like the post above or claim that AH is incapable of being at fault because Depp has more power.

Depp’s struggle with addiction was also cited as if that automatically makes him abusive. My entire family are addicts and I PROMISE YOU that had nothing to do with the horrible shit they did to me. Most addicts are struggling with underlying conditions, but being a drug addict or being mentally ill does NOT make someone an abuser. Can drugs make abuse worse? Absolutely! But the way many of Heard’s supporters just stopped at “he’s a drug addict so he’s an abuser” just doesn’t sit right with me.

As for my knowledge of the case, I watched Observe’s series on it — he’s the pseudo science behavior guy that was later proven to be abusive as FUCK which is why as soon as I learned that I re-examined the opinions I took on from him — but not much else.

To reiterate again, I’m not on either side, my problem isn’t that the person is supporting amber heard, it’s the way in which they’re doing it. Sort of like how it’s perfectly normal to like pepperoni pizza but it’s weird to say that pepperoni is better because big pineapple is a liar.

TL;DR, my problem isn’t with neither heard nor depp, it’s with the way the people that still talk about it (cannot stress this enough: on both sides!!!) approach abuse.

I would be saying exactly the same thing if they wrote that post but supporting Depp instead

——————————

Additional commentary:

On Depp’s side, I find it suspicious that he was regularly referred to as “Johnny” by his witnesses and supporting counsel. This is a common way to infantilise them. Kids are innocent, so by making depp sound like a kid you’re more likely to sympathize with him. Heard never had any of that.

As an autistic person looking back on the things that Observe put out about the case I can tell I was originally swayed by his rhetoric. He says that for autistic people he would establish a baseline and then the regular body language analysis would work on them. As an autistic person who has been accused of lying on numerous occasions simply for not making eye contact, or flinching at unrelated negative stimuli, that’s total bullshit.

You cannot tell whether someone is lying by the way they act alone.

We’ve seen time and time again that there are no consequences for the rich, those with money and connections, and it’s very possible that that’s what happened here.

I doubt that this case will ever truly come to justice regardless of who was the “actual” victim because that’s just how our society treats abuse. We turn it into tribalism. Team Johnny, team Amber. We will likely never sway the opinions of those who decided early on who was in the right.

I’m not trying to say I’m the pinochle of objectivity or anything here though please don’t take it like that 😭

The more I hear about this the more I reconsider my opinion. At the moment I don’t know who was “right.” But again, for the millionth time just to make sure I’m really driving this home:

It’s the wording, I would be having the same exact reaction if they made this post in favor of depp

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