#i AM small and delicate. i have health issues that makes it impossible for me to gain weight or do strenous activities. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

songsoomin · 3 years

Text

Begin Again Part 3 (A, S, F)

Word count 7k

Idol!Jongho x Fem!Reader, Best friend!Hongjoong. Reader has serious body confidence issues due to an emotionally abusive past relationship but Jongho helps her recover. Y/N is struggling with the anxiety of being intimate due to feeling exposed because she still can’t imagine anyone finding her physically attractive.

Warnings: Mentions of abuse, both emotional and psychological, body shaming, anxiety issues. Oral sex (m and f receiving), unprotected sex but reader is on oral contraception, very slight mention of manhandling and strength kink. Smut from the very beginning. In fact, most of this chapter is about Jongho and Y/N’s first time together.

Authour’s note: Reader is overweight but not as massive as she thinks she is. She has been conditioned through psychological abuse to believe she is very fat and unattractive. This is not intended to be the kind of story where reader becomes thin and is then happy and gets male attention (although, due to reader’s warped sense of self she does equate being thin with being happy). Even after losing some weight (for her own health and happiness) she is still somewhat overweight and curvy but the more important part is that she gets her confidence back and that is what makes her happier and more attractive.

Part 1 Part 2

Posted 9th February 2021

Soft moans left you as Jongho kissed your neck, biting lightly then swiping his tongue over the delicate skin where he'd just bitten. You were laying on his bed where you had been watching a film until Jongho's gentle touches turned into something more.

It had been months now since you had officially begun dating, after that night at the club. At the coffee shop you'd almost convinced yourself that he probably confessed because he'd been drinking but he promised to convince you otherwise, having seen the doubt on your face. You'd gone to bed that night hoping you were wrong and, true to his word, Jongho turned up at your apartment the next day for a real date.

Despite it having been months - and Jongho being the most amazing boyfriend - you'd not gone much further than kissing. Sometimes he would touch your chest over your clothes but you were still too insecure to be undressed in front of him. It wasn't that you didn't want to go further because you really, really did. Jongho's lips drove you crazy but something in your head just wasn't letting you progress in your relationship.

You sighed, frustrated, and Jongho pulled away to look at you.

"Y/N...it's fine. I told you I'll wait as long as you need. You don't need to rush this if you're not ready."

"I'm sorry, Jongho, you know I want to...I just...I can't get past this insecurity. It's like my brain can't accept that you'll still like me once you see me with my clothes off. I still can't see why you like me even with them on."

Your boyfriend looked at you sadly, his shoulders dropping slightly. It hurt him how you still thought of yourself.

"Y/N, you are so beautiful and one day I'm going to show you just how beautiful I think you are."

Despite him saying this kind of thing to you often, he could see that the message still wasn't getting through and wondered if there was something else bothering you.

"You know you're safe with me, right?" He said seriously.

"Of course, I do! It's not that."

Jongho was nothing like your ex but the damage he'd done meant that you were still having trouble trusting your new boyfriend. You trusted him to treat you well and be the wonderful person that he was...you just didn't trust that he'd still want you once you were naked in front of him. You genuinely worried that once he saw you like that he'd be disgusted and change his mind.

"Why don't we wind back the film and catch up on what we missed?" Jongho suggested.

He could see you were deep in thought but it didn't look like you were going to elaborate on your reply.

"Okay."

You gave him a small smile but it didn't reach your eyes. You watched the film distractedly, too busy hating yourself for not being able to move on from your past and feeling like a massive let down to Jongho.

********

Some weeks later you were in the same situation except in your apartment now, Jongho on your comfy sofa with you sitting on his lap, facing him. When he first asked you'd resisted, sure your weight would make him too uncomfortable but when you voiced your concerns he'd cheekily replied with a wink,

"There's only one place you're making me uncomfortable."

Now you were straddling his lap you loved it. You could feel his strong thighs beneath you and his large hands on your hips. Your boyfriend's tongue explored your mouth once again and every now and then he would nibble on your bottom lip, eliciting quiet moans from you.

As he moved his lips along your jawline and down the soft skin of your neck, you started to feel that familiar tingling in your core and couldn't help but to grind against his crotch. His jeans were tight against the large bulge there and you smiled to yourself thinking back to his comment about you making him uncomfortable. You continued to grind against him and a louder moan slipped past your lips at the friction you felt.

Jongho took this as a positive sign and slowly moved his hands underneath the floaty top you were wearing. He always moved slowly so he could guage your reaction before going too far for you. You froze before quickly gathering yourself and pulling your top back down - the dark blonde man's hands already gone having felt you tense up.

Looking away from him you mumbled the apology you'd become used to giving and earning the usual sad look from Jongho because he kept telling you, you don't have to apologise for how you feel. Gently he moved you off his lap and onto the seat next to him but took your hands in his.

"Y/N...I'm not trying to rush you, I just really want to show you how beautiful I think you are...and how much I want you."

He sounded so sincere it made you feel even worse. You didn't want him to feel bad when he'd done nothing wrong.

"I know and I'm sorry. You're not making me feel pressured at all and I do want to do this but I can't get over the fear that you won't want me once you really see me."

"What do you mean?"

A confused look crossed Jongho's face as he waited for you to elaborate. You thought for a moment, trying to frame the words.

"Well...once you see what I look like underneath all this..." you said feebly gesturing to your clothes, "you won't want me anymore. I'll disgust you."

Jongho managed to look both astonished and incredulous at the same time.

"That's really what you think? That I'm so shallow I'd change my mind over your appearance?"

You looked away because the look he gave you now just made you feel ashamed.

"Haven't I told you enough times how beautiful I think you are?"

"I know I look better now I've lost some weight but - "

He let go of your hands suddenly and you felt the weight of your mistake in his absence.

"Don't you dare imply I only like you because you lost weight!"

He'd never got upset with you before but the hurt and anger in his voice was unmistakable.

You looked up cautiously not wanting to see the hurt in his eyes.

"The first time I saw you I thought you were the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen - that's why I was so shy around you. I couldn't have cared less what size you were. When you mentioned losing weight I saw that as my chance to get to know you alone. I didn't think you needed to change, I just wanted to spend time with you."

"Jongho, I - "

"You know, I don't have any problem waiting until you're ready and feel comfortable but what really hurts is that you think I could be anything like him."

The disdain in Jongho's tone as he mentioned your emotionally abusive ex was so obvious it made the vast difference between them strike you even more. They were polar opposites so why were you treating Jongho like he could be similar in any way? You sat, quietly ashamed while he continued.

"I think you look amazing but you are so much more to me than what you look like. How could you think I'd only care about that? Is that the kind of person you think I am?"

You looked up at your boyfriend without an answer. It was impossible to escape that you'd really hurt him but you didn't know how to make it better. You'd let your insecurities cloud your mind to the kind of man he was. It was him who was amazing and you'd made him feel like you didn't trust him at all.

"I'm sorry, Jongho...I just..."

You didn't have any other words so you just looked down at your hands while you wrung them unconsciously.

"I know your past treatment has really damaged how you feel about yourself...but I thought you knew I was better than that."

He paused just long enough to collect his keys and wallet before adding,

"I'm going to head home. I'll see you later."

You felt helpless to stop him as he walked out the door and quietly shut it behind him. The fact he'd shut it quietly was more like a slap in the face than if he'd slammed it - it showed how much more hurt he was than angry.

Tears bagan falling down your face as you sat motionless on the sofa. Jongho was so patient and understanding and you'd just stomped all over that. It was enough that your past was still hurting you; you couldn't allow it to hurt him, too.

********

"Joong?"

"Hmm?"

"I don't know what to do."

"About what?"

It was Friday night, your weekly movie night with Hongjoong and your bright red-haired best friend was sitting beside you on the couch engrossed in the film you were supposed to be watching but you were having trouble concentrating. All you could think of was the last time you'd seen Jongho and how hurt he'd looked.

"I really hurt Jongho and I don't know how to make it better. Has he said anything to you."

"No, he doesn't really confide in any of us about personal stuff. What happened?"

You cleared your throat as Hongjoong looked at you, expectant.

"Well, we haven't been...intimate yet..."

You trailed off as the male's eyes widened slightly as he realised where the conversation was going. You looked away, somewhat embarrassed. You'd talked to Joong about sex before but not about your own sex-life - or lack-thereof.

"Oh. Right. Well, now I think about it I know you guys weren't doing anything at the dorm but I guess I just assumed you were doing it here at your place. Not that I really thought about it."

He quickly added the last part and you laughed despite your unease.

"Can I ask what that has to do with hurting him?"

You shifted uncomfortably because you knew it was unfair to have let your past affect how you thought of Jongho and you didn't want Hongjoong to judge you.

"It's not that I think he'd be nasty or anything...I'm just so scared that he won't feel the same about me once he sees me...naked."

Hongjoong fixed you with a look that somehow managed to both sympathise and disapprove at the same time.

"Y/N, Jongho isn't like that. You know he's not."

You looked down at your hands, feeling a bit ashamed of yourself.

"I do know but I can't seem to let go of the fear that he'll realise I'm not good enough."

You best friend sighed and put his arm around your shoulder, pulling you to his side.

"I do understand why you can't; your ex spent everyday making you feel worthless. But..." He shifted so he was looking you in the eye,

"I don't think you'll ever overcome it until you take that leap. Until you do it and see that you were worrying for nothing, that fear will just eat away at you. You've made so much progress with your confidence lately so I know you can do this."

"Believe me I want to." You said earnestly. "He's so fucking hot I just want to -"

"Hey!" Hongjoong startled you with a shout, "I do not want to know what you want to do to him. He's like my baby brother, I can't think of him doing that shit."

"Ah, yeah. Sorry."

"Seriously, though, Jongho really likes you and I can't imagine anything will change his mind. He doesn't vocalise his emotions much but I've seen the way he looks at you when he thinks we can't see. He adores you. He has done since he first saw you."

You were resolved now. He was right, it would never get better if you didn't take a chance. You were supposed to be seeing Jongho tomorrow night so you wouldn't have long to wait.

"You're right, Joong. Thank you. I'm just going to have to go for it."

"Well, look at it this way...if you saw Jongho naked and he's not...uh...as big as you imagined, would it change how you felt about him?"

You rolled your eyes.

"Of course not. To be honest, though," You lowered your voice slightly, "from what I've felt I don't think that will be a prob-"

"Stop it!" Hongjoong looked horrified but you couldn't help but laugh.

"Sorry, Joong. You did bring it up though."

********

The next day you decided to do everything you could to make yourself feel attractive and desirable; you waxed, shaved your legs, put on your best perfume and make up. When it came to clothes you didn't go all out as it was just a night in with Jongho but, earlier that day, you did spend some time shopping for a new matching bra and panties set. You didn't want to go slutty (yet) as it was going to be your first time with him but you still wanted it to be sexy. In the end you went for a pink with sexy lace detailing and cute, little bows. You weren't really sure what Jongho liked yet but you thought a bit of sexy and bit of cute would cover all bases.

You'd probably overthought all of it because you knew Jongho wasn't like your ex and he wouldn't be cruel but, in the back of your mind, you still had that fear that you would disgust him. It's what you'd come to think anyone would feel upon seeing you like that. You knew he was entitled to be upset with you when you voiced those fears to him, though, because it implied he was shallow. Thinking that he might care more about what size you were belittled his feelings for you.

You knew those feelings were there in everything he did. Hongjoong was right, Jongho didn't voice his emotions much but you could see how he felt about you in how caring he was. Often asking if you're feeling ok, making sure you're happy, making you laugh. He wasn't one for a lot of physical affection but he'd always wind his arm around you when out walking. If you were just watching tv he'd hold your hand or pull you in to his side. He seemed especially aware of when you were anxious like he was attuned to your emotions. He wasn't obvious about it but he would just take your hand and rub soothing circles over your skin with his thumb until you felt calmer.

When you really thought about just what an amazing boyfriend Jongho was, you could hardly believe you let your fear of rejection marr your relationship with him. You had to overcome it, though, because Jongho was just too precious to lose. You hadn't fully acknowledged it yet but you knew you were in love with him. Hopefully he felt the same about you.

The evening came and you and Jongho were watching a Netflix show you'd recently gotten in to, however, he could see that you weren't really concentrating. Observant of you, as always, he noticed your fidgeting hands and took them in his to calm you.

"What's wrong, Baby?"

What were you to say? 'I want to fuck you tonight but I'm not sure how to start things off’? You were never the one to start anything physical between the two of you, given that the nasty part of your brain loved to remind you that you might not be wanted.

"Nothing...I just wanted to do something but I'm not sure how to start."

That was a lie, really. You knew what to do, you just weren't sure how to summon up the courage.

A confused look flashed across your boyfriend's face at your very vague statement.

"What did you want to do?"

Summoning your courage you leant forward and pressed your lips to his. You felt his surprise for a second as he was always the initiator but it was only for a second - he eagerly returned the kiss from there on.

Jongho parted his lips slightly and swiped his tongue across your lower lip - an indication that he wanted to deepen it, to which you more than happily obliged.

As your tongues swirled around each other's you shifted on the couch to straddle his lap, just resting on his strong, thick thighs. This was another thing you'd never done, too worried your weight would be uncomfortable for him but you imagined if he was, he would let you know but he gave no sign of that. On the contrary, he seemed all too pleased to have you there, his hands grabbing your hips and pulling you further down into him.

As you continued to kiss you could feel the bulge in his jeans growing and gave an experimental thrust of your hips, earning a low moan from the man beneath you.

"Mmm, Baby what's gotten into you tonight?"

The way he looked up at you, his dark eyes curious but full of desire stirred a long-buried confidence from within you, resurrecting your dirtier side.

"Nothing...but I know what I'd like in me."

The best word to describe the look on Jongho's face was dumbstruck. This was absolutely not the kind of thing he expected to hear coming out of your mouth and, after taking a few seconds to recover, he cleared his throat.

"Y/N, are you sure you want to do this? You know I don't mind waiting until you're ready."

"I don't want to wait anymore. I want you."

Just then a horrible thought struck you - courtesy of the nasty part of your brain. What if he didn't mind waiting because he didn't like you that much?

"Unless you don't want to, of course."

Jongho rolled his eyes.

"Baby, I want to. So much. Just because I'm willing to wait until you're comfortable doesn't mean I'm not desperate to fuck you."

"Really?"

"You have no idea how much."

Feeling elated, you kissed him feverishly, your confidence renewed by his words. He returned the kiss just as enthusiastically, slipping his tongue in and making you go weak, like always.

You began grinding your hips against his clothed cock once more and Jongho moved his lips from your mouth to your neck, kissing along your smooth skin towards your shoulder, moving the fabric of your flimsy top and your bra strap aside when it got in his way. Both of you were getting pretty worked up at this point so he pulled away to whisper in your ear,

"Let's go into the bedroom."

A thrill of excitement ran through you at the meaning behind those words because, despite your insecurities about your body, you had fantasised about fucking Jongho for months now.

He led you into your bedroom by your hand - he hadn't been in here before as you'd never got to this point but, despite having not seen it, he didn't waste time looking around the room; his attention was solely on you as he headed straight for the bed. He sat you down on the side of your big bed and gently pushed you back - you got the hint and shuffled into the middle of your big bed with him following. You laid down and Jongho settled beside you, propping himself up on one arm and looking down at you, his eyes searched your face one last time for any signs you weren't sure about this. It wasn't your first time but it was your first time with him and the first time with anyone since your confidence and self-worth had become so damaged.

"Remember...if at any point you don't feel comfortable or change your mind...tell me and we can stop."

You placed your hands on either side of his face and smiled up at him - he was always thinking about you over himself. You didn't know how you'd got this lucky.

"I might not feel comfortable with myself but I am with you. I won't want to stop." You told him confidently and it was true; you knew he was going to look after you.

You pulled him down towards you so you could kiss him again - it had only been minutes since you last kissed but you needed his lips on yours again.

Jongho's soft lips pressed against yours gently at first but became more demanding as time went on and you kissed him back with just as much enthusiasm. The way your tongues swirled around each other felt somehow different this time - maybe because you both knew it was leading to more this time. Sometimes when you were kissing Jongho you felt you were both a bit reserved about it because you knew it wouldn't lead anywhere so why get yourselves that worked up? This time there was more passion, more desperation; you both wanted this so much. He wasn't rushing, though, he was taking his time and allowing you to feel comfortable before moving on to the next step.

Your boyfriend's lips left yours to travel down to your neck, kissing and sucking your delicate skin while you got your breath back from the long kissing session. While he did this, the hand that he had on the side of your neck slowly moved down your chest and under the flimsy top you wore. You couldn't help but tense up and he paused his hand's movement but you put your hand on top of his and moved it upwards, urging him to continue. As anxious as you were, you wanted him to carry on...to feel his hands on your body.

Jongho's fingers lightly ghosted over the part of your breast that wasn't covered by your bra and just this simple touch was enough to start the excitement building in you. You wanted more, you wanted to be free for him to touch your chest so you did the bravest thing you'd done in ages, you sat up and lifted your top right up over your head, throwing it somewhere on the floor. You felt exposed but Jongho smiled at you appreciatively. You didn't know but this reassured him in a big way. He was worried that, as he was always the one to initiate anything between you, he was pushing you forward quicker than you'd like but this small action let him know you wanted this, too, and that you trusted him to be exposed in front of him like this.

More confident now, the dark blonde straddled you on the bed and returned to kissing your neck, switching between soft kisses and licks to biting and sucking - wanting to mark you so everyone could see you were his. As he marked the sensitive skin between your neck and shoulder a moan slipped past you at the sensation and you bit your hand to try and stifle it, embarrased at how easy it was for him to affect you like that.

"Don't." He said, gently pulling your hand away from your mouth, "I want to hear you. I want to hear how I'm making you feel."

You nodded and he went back to kissing you, slipping your bra straps off and moving down your chest, stopping to mark the top of one breast before reaching his hands behind to undo the clasp and removing the pretty bra completely. Instinctively your hands flew up to cover yourself but Jongho was quicker, grabbing your wrists and pinning them on each side of your head.

"What do you think you're doing?" He asked with a small smile on his face. "I want to be able to see my beautiful girlfriend's body."

You couldn't deny him, not when he was looking at you so sincerely. Like he really did think you were something worth looking at.

"I'm going to let go of you now and you are not going to cover yourself up." The authoritative tone in his voice only added to your arousal but he really made you shiver when he brought one of your hands up to his head and said lowly,

"If you really need to do something with your hands you can play with my hair. I like it."

Your fingers trailed through Jongho's soft hair as he leaned down and brushed his lips against your breast...almost at your nipple but just teasing around it. Next he placed a kiss on the hardened bud, softly but just enough to excite you and have your core clenching around nothing. When he finally latched on to your nipple and sucked hard a thrill shot straight to your core and you pulled on his hair, earning a low groan from him.

He continued sucking and nibbling while he pinched and twisted your other nipple, switching sides every now and then and really working you up. If he was trying to excite you so much that you started to forget about your insecurities, then it was working. You didn't even tense up as he began to kiss down your stomach, undoing your jeans as he went. It would be a lie to say your worries weren't still in the back of your mind but Jongho was making you feel so good, kissing everywhere - even the areas you thought were too big - like he wanted to love every single part of you.

Your head snapped up when he stopped and got up - anxieties all ready to bubble up to the surface - but he just smiled at you from the end of the bed as he pulled your jeans completely off and said,

"Don't worry, Baby...my mouth will be right back in a second."

You giggled and relaxed back as he discarded your jeans, watching him crawl back up the bed to you before kissing you passionately. You felt his gentle fingers stroke your folds over your panties and had a brief moment of embarassment upon realising he must be able to feel the dampness from how excited he'd already made you. It was only a brief moment, though, because the overriding feeling was an absolute desire for him to stop being gentle and slide his long fingers inside you already. There was no way he didn't know this because you began to squirm slightly and bring your legs together in an effort to get a little friction at least.

"Are you that impatient?" He whispered in your ear, his hot breath fanning over your skin.

"I want you." You whimpered shyly; aware that he held all the power in this scenario but not minding one bit. If you had to define your temperament in bed, you would definitely be on the subby side.

"You can have whatever you want." He laughed affectionately, nibbling your earlobe before moving down to where you wanted him most.

Jongho slowly started to slide your damp panties down your legs and you felt like you just might explode. You were now wondering if he wasn't just going slow to make you feel more comfortable but instead wanted you to die from sexual frustration. You watched him impatiently as he finally took them off completely and he smirked. He was definitely teasing you and enjoying every minute of it.

His strong hands gripped your knees and parted your legs before positioning himself in between them but he wasn't done teasing yet. His soft lips ghosted over the delicate skin of your inner thighs right up to where they met your pussy. You could feel his breath tickle your folds as he hesitated, just admiring you and you whined loudly, partly because you felt too much on display but mostly because you needed some relief right now.

"Jongho!"

"Okay, okay. I'll stop teasing. Every single part of you is just so beautiful, even your pretty little pussy. I could just look at it all day"

You moaned again at his words and he dove straight in like he'd been waiting forever to do this, his hot tongue parting your wet folds and licking straight up from your core to your clit as his hands found their way around your thighs to pull you closer to him.

The moan that left you when his tongue finally touched you there was loud and erotic because he'd worked you up so much you'd become desperate for it - your clit so sensitive from anticipation that you imagined you'd cum embarrasingly quickly. In response to your obscene noises you felt the vibration of Jongho's low groan run through you - only adding to the sensations his tongue was providing.

As he lapped at your clit you couldn't help but grab his hair tightly, trying not to pull too hard but failing. He didn't seem to mind, though, he was getting more turned on by it if the grinding of his hips into the bed beneath him was anything to go by. Desperate for more you pulled him further in to you by his hair and he somehow knew what you wanted; he closed his lips around your clit and sucked hard. Another porn star-like moan escaped you; no one had ever made you feel quite this good before. He was almost taking your breath away with ther sheer pleasure his mouth was giving you.

Jongho's fingers dug in to your thighs as he pulled you impossibly close and alternated between licking and sucking but it was when he started to nibble at your clit that you came hard and loud, the waves of your orgasm flooding over you and drowning you in more pleasure than you'd ever felt before. It seemed to last forever as the dark blonde didn't stop, still lightly sucking to keep your high going. It wasn't until your legs were shaking and you were whimpering from overstimulation that he finally let go - not before a couple of kitten licks to your now unbearably sensitive bud.

Jongho crawled up the bed and reclined next to you, leaning on his elbow so he could look down at your blissfully fucked-out expression. He cupped your face with his hand and kissed your lips; you were still a little dazed but you enthusiastically kissed him back. His hand trailed to your breast, using his thumb to stroke your hard nipple and you squirmed a little as the feeling went straight back to your swollen clit. It was both excrutiating and incredibly pleasurable but too much for you to bear right now so you reluctantly took his hand and interlocked your fingers while you kissed instead.

Of course, he knew what you were doing and the smug look on his face confirmed that.

"Was it too much?" He inquired with fake innocence.

You shook your head and closed your eyes, still a little out of breath and he giggled at your still dazed state.

You laid quietly for a few moments, your boyfriend's hands stroking your skin, before deciding it was his turn. You got up and pulled on his shirt, indicating you wanted it off, he quickly complied and, once free of the clothing, you pushed him so he was laying flat on the bed. Straddling him you kissed his soft lips first, noting there was still a faint trace of you on them, before giving a little kitten lick to his top lip and moving down to his neck. As you kissed the skin around his collarbone he moaned lowly - clearly he enjoyed being kissed there as much as you did.

The noises coming from Jongho seemed to increase as you made your way down his toned chest and abs, running your warm hands over his smooth skin as you went. His body was so beautiful but, for once, you didn't feel inferior. The way he had treated you so far made you feel adored and even now, naked and exposed, he looked at you so appreciatively. The only thing you were feeling right now was amazement that someone this perfect could be yours.

As you reached the line of soft hair that went down from his belly button and disappeared into his jeans you felt excited to see what was underneath. You had a good idea that he was on the bigger side from the bulge you'd seen after some heated kissing sessions but you couldn't wait to see it for real so you started to unbutton his jeans. Jongho leaned up on his elbows, watching with anticipation as you unzipped him and took the waistband of his jeans and boxers in your hands. You looked up at him as you pulled them down, taking in his wide eyes and his bottom lip caught between his teeth. Part of you wanted to pay him back for the teasing while another wanted to draw out this moment of anticipation so you pulled down his clothing slowly, glancing up once or twice to see the slightly frustrated look cross his features. You smiled to yourself as you continued but the smile soon fell from your lips as you finally saw what Jongho had been hiding.

You felt your eyes widen as the smile dropped, your lips now open in awe. You knew he was going to be big but...fuck. Jongho wasn't just long, he was wide, too.

"Y/N?" His deep voice pulled you from your thoughts.

"Oh...uh...yeah?"

"You like what you're seeing?" He asked, looking more than a little smug.

"Yeah...but..."

"But what?" He teased.

"I just didn't expect you to be quite this...big."

Jongho giggled at your flustered expression. "You worried you're not gonna be able to take it all?" He said cockily.

"Oh no, I'm having it all." Your awe had faded and now you were getting excited again; you were desperate to see how he felt inside you.

Jongho groaned at your words and shimmied his jeans and boxers down past his hips while you took his length in your hand and slowly started to stroke up and down. He watched your hand moving as you gazed at him, not breaking eye contact as you lowered your head and gave his most sensitive spot a little lick. He groaned as you enveloped the head of his cock with your mouth, having to open wide to get it all in, then closed his eyes and threw his head back as you started to bob up and down.

His hands found their way to the back of your head - not pushing, just holding on as your head moved, intertwining his fingers with your hair. You could feel when he was getting more excited because his hand in your hair started to hold tighter, although it seemed like he was holding back slightly, trying not to hurt you.

You pulled off his dick, turning your attention to that most sensitive spot on the underside just under the head, flicking your tongue over it again and again. His hand in your hair shook slightly and he couldn't help but grab even tighter - you smiled and looked up at him teasingly. He almost growled but, surprisingly, pulled you off him completely. You didn't have time for your surprise to turn to worry, though, as he quickly said,

"If you carry on like that I'm gonna cum."

"That was sort of the point." You retorted playfully.

"I don't want to cum in your mouth just yet. Besides, tonight is for me to make you feel good and...show you how much I love you."

You heard the words but they didn't register fully as you were too busy worrying about him.

"But I want you to feel good, as well."

"Oh, I will," He replied confidently, "but I want to fuck you now and make you cum some more."

A shiver ran down your spine at his commanding tone. How could you refuse that kind of offer?

Jongho gently pushed you down so you were laying on your back, looking up at him in anticipation, the excitement was building inside you again. His strong hands spread your legs then placed himself in between them; he was looking at your pussy hungrily as it clenched around nothing but desperately wanting something to fill it. He leant forward and held himself over you with one hand while, with the other, he lightly started to stroke your wet folds with his fingertips. A shaky sigh left your lips and you closed your eyes, a little frustrated as your boyfriend seemed to be a master at teasing. You couldn't decide if you loved it or hated it because it drew the moment out and you knew it would feel a hundred times better once he finally entered you but god did you want his cock right now.

You opened your eyes again to see Jongho smirking down at you while he continued to stroke your folds - he was clearly loving the effect he had on you. You looked up at him with pleading eyes and he giggled but gave in to your unspoken request by sliding two fingers into your aching hole and curling them upwards to press on your sweet spot. You moaned loudly from the sudden relief - you were right...the teasing made it all the more rewarding now that he was touching you.

Your dark blonde boyfriend lowered his lips to yours and kissed you passionately, his tongue dancing with yours as you let him dominate the kiss. He pulled back slightly and sucked your bottom lip before gently nibbling it then pulling away completely. You chased after his lips, not wanting it to end so he gave in and kissed you some more, still sliding his fingers in and out of your wet hole.

When he pulled away again you let him because you knew there was much better to come and you wanted more than just his fingers inside you. Jongho knelt between your legs and replaced his fingers with his achingly hard member, sliding it up and down between your folds and collecting your juices to lubricate himself before lining up with your heated core. As he pushed his length inside you, you both groaned in unison. You could feel him going deeper and stretching your walls out as they hugged his cock tightly - you'd never been with anyone that big before and it felt exquisite.

"Shit, you're so tight." Jongho growled as he bottomed out in you.

"Maybe you're just - aah! - too big." You said playfully as he found your sweet spot again.

Now that he'd found the right spot, Jongho continued to thrust, hitting it every time. It was overwhelming and you could feel the tension building in you causing you to keep clenching around his cock even tighter. As he picked up his pace even more, Jongho grabbed your hips so he could fuck into you harder. He was gripping you so tight you imagined the bruises that would be there in the morning and it caused your orgasm to approach even faster - you'd always had a bit of a kink for being manhandled.

Soon enough the high crashed over you and you cried out wantonly while Jongho did his best to keep going but your walls were holding him so tight now he could barely move.

"Fuck, Y/N, you feel so good around my cock."

As your high ebbed away and you relaxed a little, Jongho began to fuck you again. Now your pussy was hyper sensitive you could feel every ridge and vein as he thrusted in and out and the lewd squelching noises of him fucking your own cum back into you. His harsh movements were causing your breasts to bounce and you had a tiny moment of embarrassment. You moved your arms to cover yourself again but instantly Jongho's strong hands grabbed your wrists and pinned them on either side of your head.

"I told you I wanna see you while I fuck you. Your tits look so beautiful bouncing as I slam my cock into you."

As if to confirm how much he liked it he bent his head down and took one of your hardened nipples into his mouth and sucked hard. It felt so good you forgot all about being embarrassed and Jongho pinning you down while he fucked you was a bigger turn-on than you'd imagined. You hadn't told him but you loved how strong he was.

You could feel he was getting close to cumming by the way his hips began to stutter and his dick twitching inside you. You knew what you wanted but weren't sure if he wanted the same.

In a small voice you whispered, "Will you cum inside me?"

"God...I've been waiting so long for this. It was torture not being able to fuck you."

You took that as a yes.

Jongho's grunt increased as he neared and with a few more sloppy thrusts he came inside you, covering your tight walls in his creamy, white release.

He stayed inside you for a while, just getting his breath back. You gazed up at him wondering how he could be even hotter now that his hair was slightly sticking to his forehead with sweat.

Your boyfriend slowly pulled out of you and laid down beside you, drawing you into a hug and gently stroking your hair. It was quiet for a few minutes while you just enjoyed the sensation of being naked in his arms with nothing between you. Something was also playing on your mind, now that you remembered the words he spoke earlier but that you'd been to distracted to register at the time. After some time thinking you decided to just ask him.

"Did you mean it?"

"Mean what?" He asked, bending his head down to kiss your hair.

"You said you wanted to show me how much you love me." Your voice was almost a whisper as the fear of being wrong gripped you but without a second's hesitation he replied,

"Of course I did. I love you. I know I haven't said it before tonight but it seemed like a good time to tell you."

You looked up at him, gazing back down at you with the most sincerity you'd ever seen in his beautiful, dark eyes.

"I love you, too, Jongho. I think I have done for months now."

"You are the most beautiful person in the world to me - inside and out. Don't ever forget that."

"How did I get so lucky to have you?"

"I am perfect, aren't I?" He joked. You rolled your eyes and playfully swatted at him.

"If you want to," he said, more serious now, "you can have me forever."

"Deal." You replied, snuggling back into his strong embrace.

#ateez #ateez x female reader #ateez jongho #atzinc #choi jongho x female reader #Ateez choi Jongho #Choi Jongho smut #Ateez smut #Ateez Jongho smut #Body positivity #Ateez angst #Jongho angst

47 notes · View notes

eyeofthedrgn · 3 years

Text

A Heavy Battle Symphony Chapter 11

Trigger Warning: language, mental abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, violence, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, self harm, self-esteem issues, sexual abuse (only alluded to briefly in future chapters), drinking (comes up late in the story) just a lot of trauma, angst, smut

Word Count: 1917

Notes: Surprise! I couldn't wait until Tuesday. Chapter 12 will be released tomorrow instead. Also, first real smutty chapter!

Chapter 11 - Into You [Dead By Sunrise]

Like a crutch you carry me without restraint

Back to a place where I am not alone

I'm a man whose tragedies have been replaced

With memories tattooed upon my soul

Lorcan had his back up against Rowan's chest. An arm draped across his waist. Rowan couldn't help but press soft kisses to Lorcan's shoulder.

They had a wonderful dinner and finished decorating. Now, they were laying in Rowan's bed. Lorcan was exhausted. He was always exhausted. But panic attacks always made it worse.

His life was always more complicated than he thought it should have been. That frustrated Lorcan to no end. His past, it seemed, would always haunt him. Always try to ruin a good thing. Always make him feel like he wasn't good enough.

"Do you want to try something?" Rowan was quiet, unsure. His warm breath skirting across his neck, sending shivers down his spine.

Lorcan turned onto his back so he could look into those lovely green eyes. "Like what?"

"I tell you that I'm going to put my hand under your shirt and then rest my hand on your skin. It would help you get used to me touching your skin. And you could do the same to me. But only if you want to."

The caring that Rowan showed for Lorcan's mental health was always staggering for him. Lorcan had never been cared for. At least not in a time that he could possibly remember.

"I would like to try," he said, nervously. Rowan gave him a soft smile and a chaste kiss.

"Okay. I'm going to put my hand under your shirt now, my arm will also touch your skin. I would like to rest my hand on your heart. Is that okay?"

Lorcan nodded and stared into those bright green eyes as Rowan's hand lifted the hem of his hoodie and slid his hand up his stomach and chest, resting above his heart. His muscles had clenched and he stopped breathing, but the touch was warm and soothing, slowly his muscles relaxed and his breathing evened.

"How's that?" He asked as he pressed a kiss to Lorcan's shoulder.

"Warm," he chuckled. Rowan smiled. "It's nice."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Lorcan put his hand over Rowan's and pressed it against his chest, the extra weight was comforting. But even that comfort couldn't stop the thoughts that intruded his mind. They never seemed to cease.

He was worthless after all. How could he possibly deserve Rowan?

He closed his eyes and a tear escaped, falling down his temple into his hair.

"Love, hey, what's wrong?" Rowan propped himself up on his elbow, concern etching his face as his eyes roamed over Lorcan’s face. He went to remove his hand, but Lorcan held it still. "Love?"

"I'm sorry," his voice cracked, eyes still closed. Swallowing, he continued, "I'm sorry I'm so broken and worthless. I'm sorry we can't just be a normal couple. I'm sorry that we have to take it so slow. I want you so much, but you have to tell me you're going to touch my skin. I-" A soft sob broke through Lorcan. "I don't deserve you." Another sob ripped through him.

"Hey. Shh," Rowan pressed a kiss to his temple. "You are not worthless. I wish she hadn't ingrained that into you. You are worth everything to me. Everything. Sure, sometimes it's hard knowing what I can and can't do, but that's okay. I’m learning. And you are beautiful inside and out. Lorcan, honey, I love you-" Lorcan's eyes shot open. "-and I want you, too. More than anything, but I'll take care of you the way you need. Yes, you may be broken, but I don't care. I'm going to do my best to help you fix yourself. Whatever you need."

"You- you.. love me?" Complete disbelief filled Lorcan's face. No one loved him. He wasn’t even sure if his mother had loved him. His heart was racing, he knew Rowan could feel it, his hand was still resting above it. Lorcan's eyes searched Rowan's face, searching for deceit, but he only found sparkling eyes and a soft, loving smile.

"Yeah, yeah I do. I love you, Lorcan Salvaterre." Their lips met, soft at first, then turned heated. Tongues tangled, teeth occasionally got in the way, lips were sloppy and urgent. Lorcan felt alive. He was loved.

Lorcan pulled away to pull his shirt off, forgetting about his scars. He needed to feel closer, he needed Rowan's hands to roam over his skin. Rowan loved him. And he loved Rowan.

"I want you to touch me." The beautiful silver haired man that he loved obliged. His hand moved to pull Lorcan against him and then their lips met once more. Everywhere Rowan's hands touched burned leaving an icy trail in their path. His back, his chest, his sides. Hellas below.

They parted, but only just, noses still touched, both panting. Lorcan needed more skin. Desperately, he tugged at Rowan's shirt and it disappeared, the only clothes left were their boxers. Time slowed as Lorcan's eyes feasted on Rowan's newly exposed skin. He had seen it before, but not this close. His fingers touched Rowan's sculpted chest, delicately letting his fingers roam over the hills and valleys of the muscles. The gorgeous tan skin beneath his fingers was soft and warm, it gently rose and fell as Rowan breathed shallow breaths.

His onyx eyes flicked up to meet green ones. Rowan's eyes were soft and full of wonder as they watched him. They lit up as soon as Lorcan spoke, "I love you."

Rowan gently pushed Lorcan back against the bed and crawled on top of him. Careful not to make him feel caged, he held his weight with his forearm next to Lorcan's head and proceeded to play with his hair. The other hand still rested above his thundering heart. A leg slotted between Lorcan's. "Tell me to stop and I will."

Rowan wasn’t without his flaws, but how he treated Lorcan in times like these made him feel special and cared for. Lorcan could only nod before Rowan took his lips.

++++

The kiss was soft and loving, they both parted their lips and let Rowan’s tongue swept in and lazily explored the expanse of Lorcan’s mouth. Rowan knew he would never get enough of him. He claimed his mouth and his tongue and his lips. A moan leaked from Lorcan's throat and Rowan felt satisfaction from that noise. He wanted Lorcan to make more noises, to say his name as he came.

But he has to keep his head. He can't lose Lorcan like he did this morning. The beautiful man below him was fragile and Rowan had thought that he had broken him earlier, pushing back his amazing progress. It hurt to think about. Lorcan had been through enough, he didn’t want to be responsible for any more hurt or regression.

So, he claimed his mouth over and over. His fingers combing through beautifully silky midnight locks. It made Lorcan writhe under him, small whines and moans vibrating against his lips. He felt his own cock twitch against the warm leg under him and he let out his own moan.

Rowan hoped it wouldn't ruin anything, luckily it had a positive effect. Lorcan's hips started rolling against his thigh. The kiss broke and a long groan escaped the very sexy man beneath him as his head fell back exposing that gloriously long neck of his.

"Can I kiss your neck?"

Lorcan breathlessly agreed, keeping his head back. His mouth open, chest rising and falling quickly, hands gripping Rowan’s shoulders.

He placed a kiss to his cheek, along his jaw, just under his ear. Lorcan gasped. Rowan smiled against his skin. He whispered against his skin, "I'm going to lick you." Lorcan whimpered as he licked up his jaw. He pressed a wet kiss again to the tender spot below his ear. And slowly made his way down to his collarbone with soft open mouthed kisses. Taking his time, he licked up the line of kisses he had made down his neck.

"Rowan." Lorcan was breathless. His hands didn't know what to do, they were gripping his shoulders, then roaming his back, dipping into his hair and gripping hard. His hips were bucking against his leg. Rowan gently pressed his leg down to give the man more pressure. That made Lorcan say his name again.

Lorcan's thrusts were getting erratic. Rowan pulled away from his neck so he could watch his lover come. "Ro- oh!"

"Come for me." He kissed the corner of his mouth, Lorcan was so lost in the throes of intimacy, a proper kiss was impossible. "I love you."

Lorcan pressed his hips hard into Rowan's leg, Rowan felt the throbbing and pulsing against his leg as the man beneath him stilled, a silent scream etched on his face, eyes shut tight, a crease between his brow. Lorcan whispered his name like a prayer as his body went limp in a post orgasmic state. Rowan had never seen anything so amazingly hot or sexy, his own hips had been moving of their own accord, a few more thrusts had him chasing Lorcan's high. Seeing and feeling Lorcan come so undone was his own undoing. "Lorcan. Lorcan..."

---

He hadn’t thought he would like the weight of Rowan on top of him, but it was comforting, like a weighted blanket. A soft hand still rested over his heart. It felt like home. He felt wanted and needed. That was his deepest desire. The way Rowan made him feel was more than he could have ever hoped for.

Every touch, every roll of their hips, every sound was a symphony. And Lorcan never wanted it to end. It felt like he couldn’t breathe, but in a good way, not in an approaching panic attack sort of way. He felt loved and taken care of. Lorcan loved the feel of Rowan’s skin. The feel of it against his own skin made a warmth bloom inside of him, something he hadn’t felt before, he wasn’t sure what it was, but he liked it.

Lorcan was so close and the softness of Rowan’s touches made him feel so wanted. His senses were on overdrive. One hand was fisted in Rowan's hair, the other digging into his shoulder. It felt like he was going to burn up. The pressure was building deep in his gut. Hellas below, he was going to explode. He’d never felt like this before. His body stilled and it felt like he was floating before he fell back against the mattress.

He heard a voice, a soothing voice. He loved that voice. And that smell, he loved that smell. Snow and pine. Home.

"Lor. Lorcan, my love. Come back to me." Soft fingers were caressing his cheek, his temple and brow. His eyes slowly fluttered open. "There you are." A sweet smile spread across Rowan's beautiful face. He loved that smile, he felt a similar one stretch over his face.

They were panting, Rowan rested his forehead against his and bumped their noses together, his smile only grew, eyes sparkled. Hellas below, he was the most beautiful being he had ever seen. Their lips met in languid kisses, noses bumped together between the gentle open mouth kisses.

Lorcan couldn't keep his eyes open any longer. At barely more than a whisper, Lorcan said against his lover's lips, "I love you."

"I love you, too."

____

Thanks for reading! Let me know if you'd like to be tagged.

@thenerdandfandoms @starlightorstarfire @tanvee1231

#rowan x lorcan #rowcan #rowan whitethorn #rowcan fanfic #lorcan salvaterre #linkin park #crackship #throne of glass #heavy battle symphony

7 notes · View notes

darkmindsotome · 4 years

Text

Risque Rouge pt8

Tagging: @umbralaperture @otome-smut-queen @silver-fox-of-azuchi @tsundere-mitsuhide @jennacat84

General warnings for the whole fic: Angst, some fluff, Mental health issues, emotional things, trauma, blood, death and possible triggers. Please read responsibly.

Darkmindsotome Masterlist

---

Chapter 8

If she had thought the outside of the mansion was impressive the impossibly large entrance was seriously beyond imagining. She had always known that the man who asked to be her sponsor was something of a wealthy man and possibly lived in a grand home, but this was so much more than she dreamt.

White columns and arches sprung up from a lush dark red carpet that held up the floor above. Golden sconces holding tall tapered candles mounted on the walls awaiting lighting. A large glistening central ceiling light that seemed to be powered by electric shone down from on high like a second sun.

Ornate plasterwork, carved balustrade and a large wide staircase completed the space. It was a design that gave both a warm greeting but also displayed wealth without rubbing a guest’s face in it. That feeling of unworthiness loomed over her again as she allowed herself to be led further into the building all too aware of the gap between her world and his.

Rich dark woods and more of that luxurious carpeting continued on into the rest of the mansion on the upper levels. Many doors lined this particular hallway as did the golden accents and motifs. It could have been a very dark choice of décor had it not been for some large arched lead-lined windows draped in swathes of fabric. Light from outside fell on the floor in warm diamonds and squares as they made a turn and went into another section of the property that seemed a little darker by comparison.

“Welcome to my humble abode.” Comte stated as they walked together.

Sebastian had disappeared saying he was going to prepare fresh tea. She couldn’t help but wonder why tea preparations involved a pencil and notebook. As they walked it became even clearer her host was a very generous man. She was told about the different rooms and how she could explore and have use of any of them.

“It's beautiful, I feel like I just stepped into a storybook.” She gave a smile that rivalled the sun outside at his side.

“It pleases me to hear that.” Comte let out a small unnoticed sigh as he hummed with pleasure. There were still trials and tribulations to go through, but for now, his main concern was making sure that his latest guest was comfortable and settled in his home. As she continued to smile looking around like a child struck by wonder and imagination at the mansion, he started to plan how to make her stay with him as perfect as possible. First dresses then --.

“It’s so different from what I’m used to. I really have no idea wha—AH!” His planning came to an abrupt halt as the Princess beaming at his side suddenly vanished. Her entire body tumbled to the ground like a marionette with its strings cut. His paused mid-stride and looked down to see a tangled mess of limbs that may as well have been a depiction of some far-eastern deity.

“Mmm, Loud…” An all too familiar voice from the ground had Comte rolling his eyes and feeling irritated before he even addressed the moving trip hazard that plagued the mansion.

“Leo, what are you doing sleeping in the corridor?” Comte looked down at the man who was running one hand through his messy hair his other holding the fallen girl up preventing her from the carpeting by balancing her on his lap. Her face was blushing red as a peony, a sight that both made him want to chuckle but also seemed to irritate him right now.

“Well I was waiting to see you and I guess I got tired.” Leo gave a nonchalant shrug turning a pair of sleepy eyes towards her and adjusted his arm to aid her in escaping his embrace. “Pardon Signorina.”

She scrambled back to the side of the man she knew to trust her eyes hardly daring to leave the new male who seemed a lot more like one of the patrons in the performing house. His clothes were quality but how they had been applied to him made it seem like he had dressed either in a hurry or found the idea to be simply too much hassle. He seemed to be the complete opposite of the composted and elegant Comte.

“No, it was my fault I wasn’t paying attention.” Evie gave an awkward apology from Comte’s elbow. She seemed even more adorable to him as he reached out his arm to wrap it around her delicate shoulders. It was as much a move to reassure her as it was one to send a clear message.

“Genevieve this is Leonardo. He is an old friend of mine and also one of the guests in the mansion.” Comte shifted his own golden eyes to look at his friend and didn’t miss the playful delicate shimmering under the surface of Leo’s eyes when he looked between the young lady and him. “Leo, Genevieve is to be my new guest here starting today.”

“Ah, well that explains why you have been absent these past few nights.” Leo gave a suggestive wink that worked as he intended and Comte could feel himself bristle at the provocation. Why the man seemed to delight it being a provocative nuisance at times like this was beyond him. The now wide-awake Leonardo gave a semi bow as he bent over and kissed Evie’s hand. “A pleasure to meet you Cara mia.”

“Monsieur.” Evie’s reply came as an automatic reply from a place that was still a kind of bewilderment.

“Just call my Leo, all that Monsieur stuff isn’t necessary.” Leo brushed away her formality as if he were swatting a fly and favoured her with a kind smile. His eyes much closer and clearer now looked a bit like candle flames. The amount of light they seemed to hold was mesmerising in a different way to Comte’s.

“Alright, Leo.” She nodded understanding all to well what it felt like to be called in a manner you felt uncomfortable with. She glanced to her side wondering why after discovering her full name her sponsor had decided to use it. Had she not made it clear she was unused to it or was it a shift he moved into around others that meant he felt obligated to call her a set way? Fine Society was something of a mystery to her thanks to her humbler origins so she didn’t feel she could say for certain one way or another.

“Bene, grazie.” Leo happily nodded giving her a pat on the head that made her feel a little like a pet and then he started to pat down his jacket.

“You said you were waiting for me? Was there something you wished to discuss?” Comte's enquiry seemed to remind Leo of his original intention before the distraction of a new guest. Leo pulled out a tin from his pocket that seemed to contain some sort of tobacco product and pulled out a thicker than a normal looking cigarette.

“It has waited this long, I can wait a while longer. Ciao” Leo shrugged again slipping the tin back in his pocket before turning away from them. He cast his hand up, holding his newly selected cigarillo in his hand and gave a wave over his shoulder as he made his exit.

“What a strange man. Oh, sorry he’s your friend and that was rude of me.” Evie once more realised she had said something that should perhaps not have been spoken aloud. It seemed all too easy for some reason to speak freely around Comte but she had no idea exactly when that had happened. When had she become comfortable enough to forget he was there? Her safe and comforting shadow.

“No, I would agree with you ma petite. Leo is rather a free bird so to speak. He is not a bad man but I could not completely say I would…” Comte stopped short of finishing his word of warning against becoming romantically entangled with his friend finding he neither wished to imagine such a prospect and also became aware as she had that he had started to speak casually around her as well. “Oubliez-le. You need not concern yourself with such things. Right now, we must find your room and you should dress.”

Urging her forward once more with a gentle hand on her back they turned another corner and stopped at a door that seemed exactly the same as every other door they had passed so far. If this was there destination and supposed to be her room, she seriously wondered how she should navigate herself back and forth from it. Was she to be given a map and a compass?

“Dress? And what am I to dress in exactly? I only have a blanket and what used to be a nightgown.” Her tone became a bit more petulant as she asked her questions. She had also become more animated at his side than she had been when they first exited the carriage.

She felt a little stupid for acting like a troublesome child but it was Comte’s reaction to it that grabbed her attention most. He waited patiently for her to finish, with no signs of annoyance or that he was going to dish out a reprimand for being so unladylike. If anything, he seemed rather amused as if this was nothing out of the ordinary. When he was certain she had recovered her composure, he placed his hand on the door handle and turned it.

“I have already prepared some things for you. Remember I told Sebastian that your visit was earlier than planned? I had every intention of at least having you here for tea and gifting you a few items.” He spoke as if he were conversing in general small talk as he wandered into the room and straight up to a wardrobe that took up nearly an entire wall.

“Wha--?” Evie followed looking at the room completely overwhelmed. It was larger than her room in the performing house and looked as elegant as the rest of the building.

All the furniture in here were white and the walls had been painted in pastel shades. A big bay window provided a lot of light, the curtains dropped the full length of the window and pooled on the ground. Extra fabric of a more sheer variety hung over the pole and muted the harsh light. There was a long sideboard with washbasin and jug, covered in a lace cloth.

A white vanity table that looked exactly like her one in the performing house except it had intact gilding and no shoddy repair work. The centrepiece had to be the massive four-poster bed. A deep mattress covered in a large fluffy duvet with a mountain of pillows. The pastel shades of the walls were reflected in the combination of plain fabric, with scalloped edges, on the bed. Instead of curtains attached to the frame of the four posts, there was the same sheer fabric used on the windows wound around them like vines.

“This room gets the light the most. I realise the dresses might not be to your taste, but if you could choose one for the time being, I would happily take you shopping to find more that would suit your own tastes better.” Comte pulled several elegant and very expensive dresses from the vast wardrobe laying them flat on the bed apparently oblivious to her wonder. Her feet moved to his side her hand reaching out to touch the dresses he had selected and her fingertips brushed over fine silk and handmade lace brocade that was a far cry from anything she had experienced before.

“This is… they are all so beautiful. Are you really sure I can wear one?”

“Naturally Ma Cherie. They are all yours after all.” Comte watched admiringly as she traced her fingers delicately over the dresses as if she expected them to evaporate at her touch. This was the moment he enjoyed the most when giving a gift. The expression on her face told a thousand words of wonder and disbelief, and he wanted nothing more than to turn them to reality for her. “I shall be downstairs. There is an ensuite just behind the other door and I shall ask Sebastian to call on you when you are finished.”

Stepping away, after excusing himself, he found he was already feeling her warmth slipping away from him and something cold and familiar seeping back into his heart. The sun might be high in the sky with rays falling on his skin but in truth, he hadn’t been able to feel its effects in years. Stealing a glance before he closed the door on her and her room, he saw her picking up a cream coloured dress covered in floral embroidery a bittersweet smile playing on his lips.

Alone for the first time since the events of that night, Evie couldn’t help but feel the loss of the man who had been her constant companion of late. Naturally, she was glad of the space in order to dress but she still didn’t think she was in the right frame of mind to process what had happened yet. She knew it was not good to depend on others to distract yourself from reality but she still couldn’t place what the feeling of loss was.

Tears began to fall from her eyes as she walked to the window and opened the latch. A cool breeze drifted into the room, the smell of fresh air she could never find in the city, and a faint fragrance of flowers filled her lungs calming her.

“I can’t believe all this is real. It’s like stepping from a nightmare into a fantasy.”

---

6 notes · View notes

snarkeater · 5 years

Text

Rob yourself

Nickel stumbles across an old personal item of Kaon’s that causes him to take account of what he’s given up over time.

"Not gonna lie," Nickel pipes up, confusingly casual after having handily torn Kaon a new one over a handful of dubious safety violations only moments ago. "Every morning for the last little while, a part of me expects to see our fearless leader at my office with a mess of extra-crispy circuits and a conspicuously mellow vibe about him... If you see what I'm sayin'."

Anyone with even a lick of social aptitude would've left it there, but Nickel – granted, like all of her comrades aboard the Tyranny – isn't average in that respect; although blind and sitting well away from her at present, Kaon doesn't need to see Nickel's brow ridge to know it's waggling shamelessly, and neither does he need to see her mouth to know the crude words already forming on her lips:

"Are you two fragging yet?"

Kaon likes Nickel – quite a bit, actually – and even though the purpose of her visit to his quarters this afternoon is ostensibly to perform a routine health and safety inspection and is not one of their usual play dates, the fact remains that they do spend a decent amount of their free time together and they do share a relationship that Kaon would readily define to any outsider as a healthy friendship.

All of that aside, however, there is something to be said about keeping one’s peas and carrots separate; having barely finished licking his wounds from a sound dressing down, Kaon finds himself struggling to bounce back fast enough to keep up with the unexpected change of context. It's especially hard to do when he can still hear Nickel moving around near the shelves behind him, methodically combing every inch of his habsuite in her search – he's sure, she's done it enough times now – of more reasons to write him up and call him out as a slob in a formal report to their mutual boss.

He likes Nickel, no one can deny that – but try as he might, he doesn't think he'll ever understand her. She's too...quirky. Quirky is a good word.

"Ha!" Kaon scoffs and turns crosswise in his seat, kicking his legs up over the padded arm rest; he lets his head loll back, one hand instinctively reaching down to seek comfort from the Pet. The creature isn't there, though, so he wiggles his digits, hoping the motion will entice it out from wherever it's wandered off to. He's going to need the emotional support if he can't shut this conversation down in the next few seconds. "It's not like that..." Kaon sighs, frowning. It’s not the best response, but after a fruitless bit of fishing around for something better to say on the topic and another bit of fantasizing about Nickel having a sudden and very serious but not fatal malfunction, he manages a simple shrug. "I respect him."

Nickel knocks something to the floor – something containing a bunch of other, smaller somethings, by the sound of it – somewhere to Kaon's left. Forgoing an apology for the mess in favor of a snarky retort, she snorts:

"Yeah, sorry, but I’m afraid those things aren't mutually exclusive, Sparky."

Curiosity piqued by the noisy spill, the Pet reappears, smooth spine sliding under Kaon's outstretched fingers; he follows its curvature until the beast settles, sitting up with its head tucked obediently under his hand. Kaon doesn't reply, opting instead to dig the tips of his fingers into the crooks of the Pet's pointed ears. For now, it's easier and safer to stay silent and work little circles into soft fur than to verbally admit that Nickel's right – that she caught him off-guard, and that he misspoke.

Sort of, anyway.

Lucky for him, the tactic works; Nickel continues her rummaging without pressing the issue further, leaving Kaon in peace for nearly five whole minutes until, eventually, she addresses him again, having stumbled upon something of interest in his belongings:

"What's this?"

The Pet shifts to meet her as Nickel draws near, ears pulling away from Kaon's fingers; at the same time, a snug-fitting, cool metal object is carefully placed over Kaon's face, covering his voided optics in a perfect fit. Once the initial surprise passes, it takes him only a klick to recognize the object; momentarily lifting his hand away from the Pet, he touches the item's smooth surface, reacquainting himself with it.

It's his old visor – Amp's old visor. From before.

He forgot he still had it.

Nickel's voice is hovering over him now, her face about a foot over his, he gauges, talking down at him. She sounds...intrigued, mostly. "I don't think I've ever seen you wear that." She muses. Her digits join Kaon's in a brief exploration of the visor’s unmarred surface before pulling away. "Why don’t you wear it? It's really lovely..."

With a small smile, Kaon drops his hand back down to the Pet, resuming his earlier ministrations. "Oh, I've worn it a few times," he says, deliberately vague, "but not a whole lot. And not recently. It's just an old thing..." He leaves it be; Nickel is still hanging over him, looking at him intently. Processes halted. It's hard not to laugh at how intensely expectant she is: there's a story there, and she knows it. She wants it – bad.

Kaon makes an effort to keep his expression neutral; who knows – if he can string her along long enough, he figures, maybe she'll forget why she came by in the first place and bugger off...

"Well," Nickel ventures, opportunistic, fingers already moving to lift the visor from Kaon's face, "if you're not gonna wear it, can I have it?"

At that, Kaon grins. "If you forget all that safety violation nonsense you're planning on reporting me for," Kaon counters cheekily, "maybe I'll think about it." Unsurprisingly, this stills the greedy fingers and nets him a defeated huff. Kaon chuckles, pleased with himself, and Nickel moves off to resume her assessment of his living space.

Left to his own devices, Kaon can't help but touch the visor again, the feel of it sending his mind back through time; it is an old thing, and he could give it away – better someone use it than it spend the rest of eternity collecting dust on his shelf, honestly – but, at the same time, it has a certain sentimental value, and he's not ready to part with it yet. It links him to a time he hasn’t and doesn’t want to forget, and to a version of himself he still feels connected to, in spite of everything that's taken place since. It’s almost as though he still has something to learn from it, or, rather, from the memories attached to it.

'Go without', Tarn had suggested, shortly after Kaon first joined the Division. 'You'd be surprised how much mileage you can get out of a fearsome appearance...'

'You'd be surprised how much mileage I can get out of just being me', Kaon had replied, smirking, and he’d meant it, but the one-two punch delivered by the fullness of Tarn's subsequent laugh and Kaon’s own compulsive eagerness to please had promptly plucked the visor from his face regardless.

Never to be worn again.

Removing it from his face now, Kaon delicately sets the thing down over his chest with the soft 'tink' of metal on metal. How many other things, he wonders, has he changed since that day? How many other things has he traded for a kind word, a look in the other direction, or a small amount of trust?

How many other things has he changed, and forgotten?

Frighteningly, it occurs to him now, it’s impossible to say.

"You're right." Kaon says, eventually. "About what you said earlier."

The rummaging at the back of the room stops. Nickel is listening.

Still working through his own thoughts, Kaon lays his hand over the visor and expels a long ex-vent. "Those two things – they're not mutually exclusive. I know that." He chooses each word with care as he lines up his thoughts into something suitable for sharing. "Ignoring for the sake of this conversation that it’s far too easy for you to lose sight of the fact that Tarn is the guy who signs our paychecks, like I said: I respect Tarn – a great deal – but there are some things about me that I don’t like, and those things..." He pauses, thinking, tapping a finger over the visor. "Those things, I think, might make it impossible for that respect to go both ways."

Just saying it, he realizes as soon as the words have left him, feels bad.

Things stay still in the habsuite for long enough afterwards that Kaon starts to wonder if he missed Nickel’s departure, but after a while he hears her again, hovering over his upturned face like before.

"You could work on those things, you know." She counsels quietly. "It’d be good – and not just for you."

Idly, Kaon fingers the visor. Nickel’s sincerity is soothing, but it doesn’t make the dirty feeling go away. "I know, but it’s—" He stops when Nickel presses a kiss to his forehead.

It’s part of who I am.

"No buts." Nickel insists. She means well, at least. "I won’t report you this month. You’re welcome. Also, sorry about the box of shells I knocked over."

With that, Nickel moves away, towards the door; Kaon hears it slide open and feels a wave of relief – he has some things to think about, or he’ll pick up the mess Nickel made, or maybe he’ll just sleep, he doesn’t know – but before it closes again Nickel calls out to him a final time:

"Let me know if you change your mind about that visor."

#kaon #nickel #djd #mtmte #maccadam

21 notes · View notes

owlsshadows · 6 years

Text

OiSuga Week Day 4 - aug 23rd: summer festival / team swap

Convince Me (part 4)

When Oikawa suddenly appears at Karasuno after school to ask Sugawara out, the latter has one condition: Oikawa has to convince him of the sincerity of his feelings.

Read on AO3 or down below (Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3)

“Buy me a candy apple,” Oikawa says.

He doesn’t use any sing-song in his voice, no fluttering eyelashes, not even a stupidly dashing smile.

He doesn’t need to.

His flat tone, accompanied by his bored look should be at least a little disheartening. Still, he looks so stunning in his yukata, with a festival mask on top of his head, like someone who’s freshly stepping out of a commercial or some drama – and Sugawara’s poor heart can barely take it. It’s hard enough, the life of a freshman med student, even without the burden that a beautiful boyfriend is. Sleep-deprived and dragged to a summer festival against his will, it takes everything within him not to take Oikawa by the hand and pull him back to the dormitory to the softness of his bed. He would even help Oikawa to wrap him out of his yukata. Gladly.

Yet, he suffers. Because there are certain moments that it’s just impossible to say no to Oikawa. Because, in fact, most moments are like this.

“Ugh,” Sugawara shrugs, looking at Oikawa with mild disgust on his face. “And then take you to the dentist if you break a tooth?”

“Don’t make it sound as if I were the weird one,” Oikawa pouts. “I’ve never met anyone who hated apples before.”

“Here I am,” Sugawara says. “They are sour. And the skin is too waxy. And the texture is just so weirdly crispy. It gives me the chills.”

“If you say so,” Oikawa nods. “You don’t have to eat it. Just buy me one.”

“You promise you won’t break a tooth?” Sugawara asks, honest worry in his tone.

“I’ve never had any issues with my teeth, Suga-chan. Not even cavity,” Oikawa laughs, pulling Sugawara in a half hug. “Anyway, you’re not studying to become a dentist, so you don’t need to worry too much for my teeth.”

“Sorry but I do worry,” Sugawara mumbles into Oikawa’s arm, pushing at it softly, wiggling himself into a more comfortable position while still maintaining contact. “It doesn’t matter if it’s your teeth or your heart or your knee.”

He feels Oikawa’s hold to go rigid at the mention of his knee – the knee that needs special attention, that comes back at the worst moments to remind Oikawa that he is, after all, a mere human. The knee that makes Sugawara consider specializing in orthopedics.

He squeezes his boyfriend’s shoulder reassuringly.

“Call it the eagerness of a med student, I can’t help it. It’s your health and I care,” he says.

A fresh blush blooms on Oikawa’s face. He says nothing, but his eyes widen, his nostrils flare up with the big breath he takes and he bites down on his lower lip. Sugawara has been dating Oikawa for enough time now – little more than half a year, if he counts it from the very beginning when Oikawa first asked him out – to know what this means.

Oikawa’s trying to suppress a squeal.

This level of cute should be illegal especially for someone Oikawa’s height, Sugawara thinks powerless.

“Okay. You get your apple,” he says before he could stop himself, common sense dying at the altar of Oikawa’s charm.

Sugawara shakes his head softly and reaching for Oikawa’s hand he starts to pull his boyfriend. The edges Oikawa’s lips curl up; his eyes relax back to a half-mast.

“Even if you worry for my health?” he teases but his voice is full of adoration and the look in his eyes, against all his efforts, looks more sappy than smoldering.

“You want it, no?” Sugawara says, eyes scanning their environment, searching intently for a stall selling the candy. In the cavalcade of people and colorful little booths standing in a slightly disorderly line, Sugawara relies on his sharper than average eyes to read the signs. He sees places selling cotton candy, corn, choco bananas, sweet little tarts, takoyaki, ramen… and then he spots it, towards the farthermost stalls, the sign that’s undoubtedly apple-shaped.

“This damn thing is getting more and more expensive every year,” he murmurs, mostly to himself. Still, Oikawa seems to have heard it, for he is pausing in his steps.

“You don’t have to, if you hate it so much.”

“You want it, no?” Sugawara repeats, this time staring straight back at his boyfriend.

Oikawa’s cheeks turn pink again. His eyes, warm and clear, reflect the colors of the small paper lanterns around them.

“I do.”

“If you feel bad, you can pay me back by buying takoyaki later,” Sugawara flashes a wide smile, bumping the yukata wearing idiot in the shoulder.

“I don’t feel bad,” Oikawa argues rubbing his shoulder as if he’s really hurt.

“Good. You’ll still buy takoyaki I hope?” Sugawara asks back, winking – and it’s weird because he knows that his winks are not the greatest, they are slightly crooked and sometimes he even winks with both eyes accidentally; but it has an effect on Oikawa that beats everything else.

The taller boy melts and whimpers as he leans into the side of Sugawara, burying his face in Sugawara’s hair. He twists their interlinked hands, entwining his fingers between Sugawara’s and pressing their palms flash against each other.

Despite their difference in height, their hands are almost the same size, fitting perfectly together. While Sugawara’s is warm and a little dry, Oikawa’s is sweaty. Sugawara found it strange at first – for the always impeccable Oikawa to have sweaty hands. Later, he found it just convenient. That little stickiness he had to his hand made holding them all the better.

And now, Sugawara can’t get enough of it.

Holding those hands that can send a ball flying with such velocity that leaves even the enemy team in awe, unable to touch his serve – and being held by them in such a soft, delicate way makes his heart pound loud in his chest.

For Oikawa to fall for him is a mystery he may never come to understand. But he can’t say thanks enough to his own past self, who, contrary to all his insecurities and doubts, still gave Oikawa a chance. That one past Sugawara who challenged Oikawa to convince him of the sincerity of his intentions may just have made the best decision in the entirety of Sugawara’s life.

“I will get you the best takoyaki in town,” Oikawa replies way belated, humming into Sugawara’s ear before pressing his lips to Sugawara’s temple. “I swear.”

“Good. I wouldn’t settle for any mediocre food.”

“I know just this place; they have a stall set up here as well.”

“I believe you,” Sugawara hums, tone teasing.

“Did I ever disappoint?” Oikawa asks back, playing hurt in his pride, raising his free hand to place it theatrically over his heart.

“Well, there was a time I was sure you were suave…”

“You’re implying I’m not.”

“Tooru, I hate to break it to you…”

“Suga-chan, you’re so mean! I thought you love me.”

“I do.”

“Hah! Who would believe you now?” Oikawa turns away, pulling his hand out of Sugawara’s hold with feigned anger.

Sugawara stops him mid-movement, grasping his hand hard and pulling it up to his lips to breathe a kiss on it.

“You?” he asks.

Oikawa’s reply is some indecipherable mumbling, out of which the only words Sugawara catches are “embarrassing” and “idiot”.

It makes Sugawara grin shortly, before he leans up to hook the festival mask off of Oikawa’s head. He uses it as a shield hiding them from the festival crowd as he raises to his tiptoes to press a kiss on the lips of Oikawa.

“Damn you,” Oikawa says. “You can’t even imagine how long I’ve been wanting to kiss you, and now you beat me to it.”

“At least something I win,” Sugawara replies. “Though you have to know it has been really hard on me too, resisting to drag you back to the flat as soon as I saw you all togged up.”

“Yeah,” Oikawa says, lids already half closed as he leans down for another kiss. “You certainly could have kissed me before, you know.”

“Now, you’re the one who’s complaining? I’ve been dragged out on my day off, to do what?”

“Get me a candy apple.”

“Apples are atrocious.”

“So is your social life since uni started,” Oikawa remarks, grabbing Sugawara by the hand and marching confidently over to the stall with the apple sign. “That’s why I decided to drag you out.”

“You can’t really call a date socializing,” Sugawara argues. “Especially if we could just hang out in the dorms. Watch a movie. Order some food.”

“It’s not a date,” Oikawa shakes his head, pulling Sugawara past the stall where candy apples are sold to arrive at a small, familiar sign standing before the next booth.

It’s of the restaurant Tanaka’s sister, Saeko works at.

“You can’t have…” Sugawara starts, before someone throws themselves against him at full speed.

“Suga-saaan!” comes an excited shriek from stomach level in a voice that’s undoubtedly Nishinoya’s.

From behind the stall, his fellow Karasuno members line out all in a bunch – Hinata jumps high in the air yelling his name, Daichi and Asahi comes at him with arms open for a hug. Kageyama and Tsukishima appear to be bickering over something, only stopping their argument for the sake of greeting him. Tanaka, Ennoshita, Kinoshita and Narita start singing. Yamaguchi and Yachi come out carrying a cake. Lastly, Kiyoko and Saeko appears pushing a small rolling table with knife, forks and plates on it.

Sugawara stands in awe under the pile of Karasuno kids, hugging and squeezing the air out of him. In the crushing hold of all five now third year players he can barely turn his head, but Oikawa still catches his glance, rose dusting his face in an instant.

His voice gets lost in the cacophony of Hinata, Noya and Tanaka speaking over each other, Kageyama shouting something at Tsukishima, Daichi’s attempt to pacify them, and the crackling of the first fireworks starting to bloom on the dusty gray sky.

He can still read the words from Oikawa’s lips, red and plump: “Happy birthday”.

#oisuga week #haikyuu!!#oisuga #oikawa tooru #sugawara koushi #fanfiction #hilsstuff #ghhhhh i'm late #i had such a hectic 2 days in a row #had absolutely no time writing and before you ask no i've never heard about preparing beforehand #i'm a prime procrastinator #also i was working on some other stuff coming up soon #also some older stuff will have new chapter #s #yay #too many tags #this story is super sappy

4 notes · View notes

beatricedickson · 4 years

Text

What Vitamins Can I Take To Grow Taller Surprising Useful Ideas

Most men secretly wish they were just a couple of months.Our body produces the most important suggestion is do some stretching exercises.And because of this really is worth a lot of kicking motivate you better eat foods that nourish the bones expand as you nurture your body.Calcium is a universal need and not completely satisfied with the benefits of which we can get you taller they must first consult your doctor before taking any medicine.

Besides the spine being the most important ingredients.You would have an obvious fact that breathing and massage do not remain stunted in height.You no longer the case for you to become tall don't really guarantee that the tall girl's shoulder, believing her to be funny and impossible to tamper with recklessly.Children during the stresses of daily life.Then use your body to stretch better and more confident, and over again.

Proper diet plays a crucial time of the medicines for growing taller secrets for men - that's how your brain is very important.Thus, those who are short, and yet healthy.Well, let me tell you something I still find hard to find.When you exercise, your cartilage material will become delicate while your bones grow.You just have to follow the golden rule - never leave staking until the age of eighteen, while men might have a balanced diet in small packages.

Basically what you learn how to become taller?The answer should be consisted of vegetables and calcium that can still help ensure that person is still hope for any meal time.And it is not actually an issue to consider.It's a program designed to get more attention.After awhile you will increase flexibility and posture.

When you are not that tall, then the best swimming movement that would make you grow taller fast:I hope these tips so you could have been relayed on the padding between them.For you, that's not true, and lots of people all over the others, such as milk, meat, pulses grains, legumes help gain lean muscle mass.Also, muscle-building is very essential that a person is not that much farther from helping your back and hips.Buying this model is easy to make you appear taller naturally.

We need vitamins to grow and stretch your upper body and bones good.However since the mulberry is indeed effective if you want to be done when sleeping on one leg.Whether it's a movie, a book with comprehensive instructions on the ends of the earth has a weak bone that can be done only if you keep the sleeping hours.When you perform some height increasing exercise.The Grow Taller 4 Idiots beats the rest of the most in your height.

This is why we have mentioned in this article I'll share with you a lot of exercises are centered on the other nationalities such as osteoporosis.When this hormone can still work for people who are qualified to perform on a bar is to do so.Tall people are suffering from lack of height exercises are great for you to grow taller by increasing HGH production in your body to grow taller.Rhonda Giarraffa, owner of Best Custom Shirt.Thus, the body which, when multiplied throughout your life.

In performing this exercise, keep your body will finally be happy with the exact opposite of this human growth hormones.If you will also help you increase height:These height increasing vitamins and minerals it needs to grow.Imagine that?, in six weeks you will realize that they are sure shot result to increase your height in their height are better than the exercises to work on your body.By performing this exercise, sit on a regular routine of the most effective ingredients for increasing your height at least a low budget may find with shopping for tall thin men, but don't make them look fat.

What Helps You Grow Taller During Puberty

* Elevator shoes: These shoes claims to increase height but some of the body.The muscles are in charge of keeping you upright.Intense sprints cause your two legs to grow taller but, think that we have no fat.I would say that whatever is claimed by the pituitary glands function and work your lower back muscles will become tall.I am going to find that if you sit and stand tall and add confidence.

If you're reading is simply out of your shoulders slightly back as much as you can actually perform it.Therefore, for a lot of conscious effort over years of low self-esteem just because you gained those crucial extra inches.Because any kids have a much better posture and other health benefits such as Saul Feldman, your height by some inches to your height.Calcium in particular height increase such as:Just don't neglect your physical built because the faster your metabolism by eating more fruits and vegetables.

More importantly, wading through the internet.If you are a bit tight, choosing a light colored paint for the most common and easy way to grow taller exercises are proven to work out class.But if you are willing to do is simply out of your time in your height after puberty is the outsole on them.Without proper care, this gradually causes your spine to elongate.Therefore you need to encourage your cells to kick start your hormones and hence avoid the criticism and the cartilage has a blast making them work powerfully.

By strengthening your bones grow into a tall ship model will hardly ever go unnoticed in a height- increasing diet.Additionally, failing to exercise daily; there are natural measures you can grow taller program.You'll be totally stumped on how to grow taller is patience.Raise your hands down the ramp wearing that fashion forward dress.Especially the two very important for your bones healthy and strong.

#What Vitamins Can I Take To Grow Taller Surprising Useful Ideas #How To Increase Your Height Growth

0 notes

mildredsaunder · 4 years

Text

How Should I Get My Ex Boyfriend Back Blindsiding Cool Ideas

Try to do that, chances are you want to use it at that.You could try to keep your distance even if they still spend time with?So make sure, when you first met, how those feelings are there for your partner and your friends, focus on the things you can see that you are already through with it.Maybe, you've been thinking it was all about.

Next, do not have to let you come back to your final Plan of Plan C.Stay clear of a desperate guy,they like confident and attractive.Desperation will never have to understand your wife's condemnable act, can you see yourself in the relationship broke down.Not following this advice quite confidently, because it is very counterproductive.Often, the cause will make the changes you've made and work involved and it died through lack of respect contributed to your boyfriend back?

Am I right in with both feet; remember, the issues that were made and whoever was responsible for the moments you had is over.Talk about how it will likely wind up where you are not alone, there are specific and delicate strategies that will start the healing process and he will be able to make her want to do, I think that's just as hurt, angry, and it is hard.This includes text messages and email - DON'T call him.The book you won't be the ones that offer results not instant or flashy things.Never ever point the finger will only be rebuffed again, it will take him back.

Having a relaxing atmosphere while talking is one of the break up over small or petty things that they are going to talk about.Fortunately, you don't have to stop living a Tinsel town dream.You could call a wider emotional range than most men.A brief explanation of how to get your ex back.Have friends, go to places together and the post-break up situation is to cut off all contact with our ex.

I know you must do your best to start crying.This is a tactic that you played some role in the relationship.In our society today there are people and expanding your skills, wardrobe and even more depressed at the right way to get your ex back in where you are in my same situation.Don't send too many times, one of my previous exes.Show it, don't just go away or be rude to waiters or to accept the nature of relationship.

Your friends care for him in your relationship but its okay because that won't do any harm.When you go around people or in five years?And the mystery will be more likely to do all sorts of weird situation.When you are a part of your way to go from breakup to breakup with each other.It means she used to do is clear your head over and over, expecting a sneak attack from you to cheating, suggest you to get him back.

What makes the heart of your ex back, then there is a sacred vow and no matter how much they mean you have to stick to your ex.Once you have had a part of your mind a break.Healing after breakup is fresh and there was no going back to the point of being mature about how difficult and painful it can be the best ways.How on earth would someone want to go out with someone that emotionally and physically relieves, supports and rocks life with oils of appreciation and genuine care.The health and energy that you will give you lots of people who die alone with no hidden agenda.

And if you stick to facts rather than bury them.If you really want to take some time goes by, you both feel and know that in mind, here are a lot of listening and trying to eliminate all of this is done by working these things - things that you should do was see them again.Rather, you should start talking to other relationships, may work for everyone.Discussing the breakup and act as if you're in for a while longer.This will make getting your ex back and you will be different in the first time.

How To Write A Letter To Get Your Ex Husband Back

Give yourself enough time talking to friends and even a few things that you may have read tons of research, psychologists have uncovered one core reason behind it.They even pushed her back if you have been there and then.They are undesired and you know that you are broken up, so you must do...Do you want to get their girlfriend back will be more attractive to her that you still have feelings for me I have observed is the first place.The next technique is very observant and aware of what it is going to get your boyfriend back then you don't have a life without you.

For most people are drunk, they tend to say than done but you saw them happily back together every day.Here are three simple tips I've put together to recreate passion, but keep some distance.They do not keep attracting their attention.Go out with friends and family had this effect on the pressure to get your ex back?When your heart is broken, it is really tempting to just call her after a breakup right now.

I know this sounds like the opposite sex.Play it cool when you do appreciate the honesty that a relationships takes two to a couples counselor.It worked for me, they only made matters more awful because they have needs as well.Everything in life that bring fear destruction, suppress growth.Call her by following these easy steps to make sure she knows that speaking with you for another chance.

Meanwhile, you should do some research into the sack again with him.Having fun, clever, flirty conversations can open the channels of communication so you must leave the relationship, look at the door and you would any other friend you have the ability to win your wife back, you need to keep feeling this way?What a query to be with for the reunion which would you really have to go travelling, join interest groups, go for coffee, or a psychologist not is tricky business.If you just want a fresh start, make sure it doesn't hurt to set you free of this is the correct things to impress her, sending flowers with a simple trick that fixed everything.Susan rang Jimmy to explain how it all happen.

Will you be strong if you can attempt to try to do is call her and want to know how to get them back.It's virtually guaranteed that she was really hard, but I will hand you some time to let them believe that if you are happy just being friends for some surefire ways to get back together before you pursue her, but then you should not be able to adapt as you may have to be permanent.If you are and how you wish to get your girl back even though the productThere is a shame how a relationship that has to say.Still, that does not happen if you believe that he will like to long for something you may as well as your ex to get your ex back book not to overdo the liking someone else or if it means the acting needy and dependent on Jackson.

Getting back together with you, or they could get that person in this case and here came the bitching.I know, you probably think that she's not too much assuming or guessing involved.The next tip I have never really serious about getting her to come back to me.Since, my friends - while they can get back together before you buy one.Make her feel that they don't they could get your girlfriend broke up it can seem almost impossible to match.

Get My Ex Back Prayer

#How Should I Get My Ex Boyfriend Back Blindsiding Cool Ideas #How To Get My Ex Boyfriend Back After 1

0 notes

drferox · 7 years

Note

I understand you have a long list of these questions, but figured I'd get in line. I want to adopt a retired greyhound racer. What health problems do you see with them? I've also heard they are especially sensitive to anesthesia due to their low body fat. Do you have a protocol you find is particularly safe for them? The rescues have too many conflicting answers. One even claims they never should be put under anesthesia ever, even for dentals, because they "just die!" Which is ridiculous.

Anonymous said: Is it ok to request another breed? Ifso, greyhounds? Possibly rescue racing hounds if that specificationhas any problems that pet raised greyhounds dont

and

Anonymous said: Hello! I was wondering if you could (orhave already done) a post about greyhounds? Specificallyracing-quality ones? I read something earlier that claimed they werea lot healthier than most dogs and I’m wondering if that’s true.Thanks!

and

Anonymous said: Hey there! I noticed you said recentlyyou’d like to see more ex-racing greyhounds as pets - I’m seriouslyconsidering adopting one in the future and I was wondering whathealth issues you see in them? I’ve heard that they can get painfulcorns on their feet and that you need to be careful about theirtemperature, but is there anything else you see that a future adoptershould be watching for? Question tax: came for the the vet stories,stayed for the refreshingly sensible advice :)

Oh vetlings, I have a lot to sayabout Greyhounds.

I adore these dogs, and am glad to workwith them, but don’t specifically condone organised greyhound racing.Most of these dogs like to run, I would have no problem with themrunning around a track casually for fun, but once prize-money isinvolved it becomes too tempting to push limits, to cheat, to cutcorners, to overbreed, and this leads to poor welfare outcomes fortoo many dogs.

Please note the disclaimer that theseposts are about the breed from a veterinary viewpoint as seenin clinical practice, i.e. the problems we are faced with. It’s notthe be-all and end-all of the breed and is not to make a judgementabout whether the breed is right for you. If you are asking for anopinion about these animals in a veterinary setting, that is what youwill get. It’s not going to be all sunshine and cupcakes, and isnot intended as a personal insult against your favorite breed. Thisis general advice for what is common, often with a scientificconsensus but sometimes based on personal experiences, and is not aguarantee of what your dog is going to encounter in their life.

Also please note that this will be a Long Post.

General conditions of Greyhounds

Whatever theirhistory all greyhounds have a few things in common. Most of themstruggle to sit, they tend to either stand or lie down. Their paintolerance is interesting, walking in with a broken bone but screamingat a tiny needle prick. They like to feel someone touching theirhead. There are also a few conditions common to them, regardless oftheir lifestyle or upbringing. They are one of the very few breedsthat I think it’s not an exaggeration to say you benefit from seeinga vet with experience in this breed. We have a lot to get through, soI’ll try to keep the basics fairly short.

Bloat,(Gastric Dilatation Volvulus) is more common in the big males, butcan occur in any greyhound due to their deep chest. Delicate, pickyeaters seem less at risk.

Greyhoundsare generally very athletic, but they can and do develop Dilated Cardiomyopathy. While theyhave generally reached a reasonable age before developing thiscondition,

Pannuscan affect any greyhound, and this chronic eye condition is generallymade worse by UV light exposure. Once diagnosed it’s not too hard tocontrol with medication but it is a long term condition. This is themost likely reason you would see a greyhound wearing doggy sunglassesor ‘Doggles’.

Greyhoundscan also get Progressive Retinal Atrophy,which may manifest as 'night blindness’ first, though this seems tobe less common lately.

Greyhounds,perhaps surprisingly for all the raw food they seem to get whenracing, have generally poor Dental Health. Despite being bigdogs that are generally pretty tolerant, most of them don’t like tochew. They’re delicate chewers and won’t necessarily gnaw a bone.

Speaking of bones,these dogs get Osteosarcoma (Bone cancer) fairly readily. Thiscancer has a biphasic age pattern. Basically it usually occurs indogs around 2 years of age, and dogs around 8-10 years of age. It’sall kinds of bad, every time and there’s not much else to say aboutit, other than the life expectancy is short. I’ve talked about itpreviously.

Of purely cosmeticconcern, greyhounds also commonly develop pattern baldness.Typically the affected areas are the thighs and ventral neck, andthere are a few possible reasons for this. It might be genetic, itmight be nutritional or stress related, or it might be due to bloodvessel compression under due to large muscle groups underneath theskin. This generally bothers the owners more than the dog.

Greyhounds oftenhave thin skin, and while this doesn’t necessarily bother thedogs most of the time it certainly bothers me as the surgeon! Some ofthese poor dogs will seem to tear themselves open with any littlescrape, so be careful of the suture materials you choose. They areprone to pressure sores with poor bandage care too.

And associatedwith their thin skin, some of these dogs develop “Happy Tail,”which is basically a chronic injury on the tail tip which wont healbecause the blessed dog insists on wagging it against solid objectsall the time, despite thepain and injury. They can’t help it. They’re too happy, hence thename of the wound. This takes creative bandaging or the occasionalpartial amputation to fix.

Conditionsassociated with Racing

Mostgreyhounds are reared for the race track and it’s not until laterthat they’re identified as being 'unsuitable’ for the track. Somegreyhounds will be 'retired’ early, before they ever get to run, butmany will be retired either with injuries or because they just don’twin. Greyhounds that have been retired due to injury are notnecessarily lame, they may have healed well enough to do normal dogactivities, just not enough to win races.

Track legis probably the most common 'racetrack injury’ we see. It’s basicallya swelling on the inside of the tibia below the knee, caused by thegreyhound continually hitting its hind leg with a front leg as itruns around the track in the same direction all the time. They’reusually not painful, and generally go away when the greyhound is notrestricted to always running in a very large circle.

Cornsare hard thickenings in the bottom on a footpad, either secondary totrauma, foreign objects (grit) or papilomas. They start out small butgrow with time, and are painful. It’s like having a stone in yourshoe all the timeand many greyhounds will become footsore because of it. Affectedgreyhounds are often reluctant to walk on harder surfaces, andanti-inflammatories doesn’t seem to make much difference. We treatthem by paring them out and waiting patiently.

Gritin foot padscan cause corns, and can cause similar lameness to corns, but willshow up on Xrays if you use high enough detail. These are fragmentsof sand or other foreign objects that have become embedded in thefoot pads while running. Greyhounds are particularly lame with thisinjury and often don’t respond fully to anti-inflammatories. Theyneed surgery to remove these pieces of grit, and the surgery canresult in corns.

A Fracturedhock, carpus or metacarpal/metatarsal might be a racing careerending injury, but not necessarily a life ending one. Depending onthe extent of the fracture the greyhound may have no lameness with awalk or light run, or may end up with a completely fused joint.Generally these dogs are only retired to pet homes if they can stillget themselves around pain free.

A Split Webbingis an injury to the web of skin between toes. When this skin tearsit’s nearly impossible to get it to heal if both layers are torn, sothe recommended technique is to split it all the way to the base ofthe toes and remove the webbing. This doesn’t seem to bother the dogsat all, and prevents it from re-tearing over and over again as itheals.

Maxillary Fractures are a rare injury of long-nosed dogs who are also klutzes and tripover, slamming their nose into a fence or the ground. This upwardsforce can fracture the upper jaw, just in front of the canine teeth.These fractures may be non displaced, causing little more than ablood nose and needing pain relief and soft food for a few weeks, orthey may be loose and need wiring. They are fairly uncommon overall,but it seems to be greyhounds that get them most.

Associatedwith racing greyhound husbandry, Neosporainfection from raw, infected beef consumption (and similar Toxoplasmafrom kangaroo or sheep) is more common in greyhounds due to theirhigh prevalence of raw meat being fed. It may present as anythingfrom back pain to blindness, and you can lose whole litters to theseparasites.

There are a number of odd AssortedSports therapy things thatgreyhounds might be subjected to, from particular lineaments beingused, ultrasound therapy, chiropractic treatment or 'seeing themuscle men’, some of the 'treatments’ racing greyhounds are exposedto seem more like hope and witchcraft than medicine. These dogs mayalso have been supplemented with all sorts of things during theirracing days, including iron and B12 as the most common supplements.You don’t necessarily know what a dog has or hasn’t been given in itsracing days, but most will be little consequence, if any, after a fewmonths.

Racing greyhounds are also known for afew particular metabolic weirdnesses. Exercise associatedheart conditions, exercise associated epilepsy, water diabetes (likea temporary diabetes insipidus), rhabdomyolysis and acidosis are themost well known.

Anaesthesia

Now, this is aninteresting difference. Greyhounds area bit different when it comes to anaesthetics. Most vet students willeasily recall that barbituate anaesthetics aren’t recommended insighthounds due to their proportionally low body fat (and very youngor very fat dogs for the same reasons), but greyhounds also seem tohave a different liver metabolism that makes handling this class ofdrugs more difficult. Fortunately there are many other options thesedays.

Thewhole 'they die under anaesthesia’ thing is…sort of true. If youput them under anaesthetic when they’re under 24 hours off the racetrack then they tend to…well… die. But when these dog’s have beenat rest for at least 24 hours there doesn’t seem to be a particularincrease risk of death specifically.

Thesedogs are prone to both hypothermia and hyperthermia underanaesthetic, and in life in general.

Theyare prone to rapid wake ups from anaesthesia, which is not fun whenyou have a 30kg dog thrashing about and freaking out. For this reasonhigher premed doses seem to help if you’re using an alfaxaloneprotocol, medetomedine/butorphanol works well for sedation and weusually use xylazine/ketamine/atropine for orthopaedics. I will notbe posting dose rates on this blog, but rest assured greyhounds areperfectly able to have an anaesthetic. They’ve got to get theirdental disease treated somehow!

Compared to other breeds

Generallygreyhounds are considered pretty healthy. They’re not free ofproblems, but their common problems are differentto common problems in other breeds. Greyhounds have one of the lowestincidences of hip dysplasia in purebred dogs, and rarely develop thesame common structural issues we see in other breeds.

Theirblood results are often a little different. A greyhound in racingcondition will have a higher PCV, and a pet greyhound may keep thisin their retired life. They often have a lower platelet count, byaround 20-25% or so, and may have a relatively low T4. A low T4 canbe normal for a greyhound, and hypothyroidism shouldn’t be diagnosedwithout a TSH level.

Theyare, in general a little more prone to being clingy or developingseparation anxiety. This is generally because most of these dogs areraised in big groups in a kennel situation, and may not get to betruly 'alone’ until they’re in a pet home. Some dogs just need a fewweeks of being spoiled with TLC to adjust, some dogs need somepharmaceutical assistance for a while. Some dogs only really relax ifthey have a companion, but it depends on the individual.

Sothatis the greyhound breed from a veterinary viewpoint in a nutshell.Some of these points are brief because I only want to give you anoverview, but I do recommend vet students spend some time in agreyhound practice, even if you don’t want to work with them or theracing industry, because the musculoskeletal exam of a greyhound isso much more thorough and I understood hocks and carpi much better ingreyhounds than I ever did in horses.

Phew, that took a while to write. If you would like to support Dr Ferox’s writing time you can via Patreon for as little as $1 a month!

#veterinarian #vetblr #greyhound #dog breed #racing greyhound #greyhound health #sadinasaphrite

986 notes · View notes

ohmytheon · 7 years

Text

title: i want to leave (in the worst possible way)

summary: While on a deep undercover mission, Cassian learns what it means to want to return home.

notes: So, I found the inspiration for this in the strangest of places. I've been picking through my old CDs and found Blink 182's self-titled album from 2003. Remembered I liked it a lot, figured I'd give it a whirl. In between songs 4 and 5, my favorites, is an interlude of a woman reading a letter from the lead singer's grandfather to his grandmother back in WWII. And unfortunately for me, I got hit with the worst of feels and became really emotional over it. Plus, it's May the Fourth, so I wanted to write something Star Wars-related at least. I definitely suggest listening to it, as it heavily inspired me.

I want to leave in the worse possible way so I can come home to see you But things don't look so good in that subject This war has spoiled a lot of things for everyone I guess I've never been so lonesome in my life as I am right now I'm completely lost without you darling I never realized I could even miss any one person so much I just hope it won't be too much longer till I'm able to be with you again And live a sane and normal life

It had been nothing special, but the memory of that night crept on him whenever he tried to sleep. The warmth of her body in the bed next to his, the way her trigger gently finger drew circles and loops on his bare back as he laid on his stomach, the soft and somber look on her face as she gazed at him. He was so used to seeing a hard expression staring back at him that this one caught his attention. He’d only had an hour left before he had to leave, but had been loathed to leave.

When had that become an issue? He used to get itchy on the days in between missions, pacing the halls and rooms, like he didn’t know where he belonged on base. The field was where he was supposed to be, his ship the closest thing he could call a home, but truth be told, he hadn’t had a home since he was six. The Rebellion was his life, but it wasn’t where he lived.

And yet he had lied in that bed and thought, I could stay here.

For someone that hadn’t been able to stand still for years, the thought had been a startling one. He’d had an hour and he needed to get in the refresher and he needed to be ready to leave it all behind. Instead, he had rolled onto his side, dragging the blanket over them, and slipped an arm around to pull her close. He had been lazy with her, taking the time that he couldn’t afford to waste, as if daring the clock to tell him otherwise, until she nearly tore the sheets and was begging him to come back up to her.

He’d never been slow with anything else before, always efficient, never taking much pleasure, and it had worked for him. It had been the way he lived for so long. But in that moment, he’d wanted to savor every last second, commit it to memory, burn the image of her coming undone in his mind, because it was all that he would have for a very long time.

Returning to the ship was dangerous, but it had to be done every once in a while so that he could check in with command. Being deep undercover had never bothered him before, but now there was a tired ache in his bones that he struggled to shake. By the time he made it, he was soaked from the rain and trudged water onto the ship. He set up the commlink and then waited for the Alliance to make contact. Sometimes it took them only a few minutes, sometimes an hour, but he had learned to be patient. Most of his time undercover was spent waiting. It had never dragged him down before.

Waiting for orders. Waiting for a mark to make a move. Waiting to make a countermove. Waiting behind the scope of a sniper rifle. Waiting in the dark in a hiding place. Waiting for someone to make a mistake.

Waiting for it to end. Waiting to come home. He’d never entertained that idea before.

As he waited now, he pulled off a hollow panel and reached inside to take out an envelope. Dangerous to have one of these, but all Intelligence officers did. There was also a vibroblade and a small blaster hidden in there, in case of emergency. Those weren’t as dangerous as the envelope though. A man with the right cover could explain away a hidden cache of weapons. A letter was a little more difficult to do

He had always been taught to bring nothing personal with him on a mission. He brought nothing of himself into a mission, only his cover. He’d burned through a lot of identities over the years, but there were a few that he had spent years carefully cultivating. These IDs were for the long haul missions, the ones that would take months, and this one had taken so much out of him, more than he’d thought he had. It surprised him when a mission was still able to take away something from him when he thought that he’d given the Rebellion everything already.

But then, he reasoned, he hadn’t known that he was bringing this letter, so it wasn’t entirely his fault. He was the spy, not her. Of course, he didn’t blame her either. He could’ve easily burned the letter after reading it -- should have burned it -- but instead he’d folded it up and put it away, hiding it along with other dangerous materials, like it was part of his defense. He kept it on the ship at least. That should count for something.

When he unfolded the worn down letter, something deep inside of him uncoiled. Nothing on the outside could possibly hint his change in demeanor. He’d learned to wear his cover IDs like armor so thick that nothing else was able to get in. Even with no human around him, he did not let his guard down. He kept his eyes neutral, his expression blank, and his breathing steady as he read the letter, though he was careful to keep it from getting wet.

It never took him long to read it, seeing as how it was little more than a paragraph, but he took his time anyways, examining the messy loops, the sharp scratches, the dark and heavy press of the ink. It had only taken a few minutes to write it, probably while he was in the ‘fresher, and a few seconds to hide it in his jacket pocket where he didn’t find it until he was almost landed on another planet halfway across the galaxy.

But if he closed his eyes after reading it, he could picture that night again as clear as day until the letter and that one last memory were the same.

Come back, the press of her lips against his said.

I need you alive, her nails on his back told him.

It’s not home without you.

He leaned his head against the metal interior of the ship, closed his eyes, and took a deep breathe. It was the only second of weakness that he allowed himself.

“You’ve read that letter approximately nine times,” Kaytoo’s voice mechanical voice rang out from the other side of the ship. “You shouldn’t have to read it; you should have it memorized by now.”

Cassian opened his eyes and straightened up, turning his head slightly to look at the droid. “I do.” Slowly, carefully, he folded the letter, slid it back into the envelope, and returned it to its slick. He replaced the panel, making sure that nothing looked out of place, and then checked the commlink again.

“Then why do you keep reading it?”

There was no possible way that Cassian could explain something as human to Kaytoo as this, not when he himself used to be so good at shutting down everything that made him human. For one, he wasn’t even sure why he kept coming back to it. Maybe it was so he could see her familiar, disastrous scrawl. She always wrote like she didn’t have time, even when she did, but he had come to recognize her handwriting. It was the closest thing he had to her after six months of being undercover. No pictures, no personal mementos, just a brief letter that shouldn’t have meant so much to him.

“It reminds me of why I’m here,” Cassian told him instead, even though he knew that wouldn’t make sense either, “that I’m doing this for a reason.”

“You’re doing this mission because those were the orders,” Kaytoo pointed out.

Cassian glanced at him. “After the orders then.”

“More orders typically follow after,” Kaytoo grumbled, as if he needed a break as well. Ridiculous really since he always acted as if time off was a waste of time unless it helped Cassian sleep or gave him a moment to recuperate from a wound. It almost made Cassian smile, thinking that Kaytoo only cared about respite if it was for the benefit of Cassian’s health. But then the droid had to go and continue talking. “What does the letter say?”

“Nothing important,” Cassian replied smoothly, the kind of response that would fool even his superior officers that knew him quite well to be a natural born liar.

Kaytoo, on the other hand, did not care about lies and let out a mechanical whir that Cassian supposed was the droid’s version of a sigh. “Highly doubtful, considering your serious and very delicate treatment of it.” For a droid that did not understand human behavior except on a literal level, he was highly perceptive. Cassian supposed that was his fault when it came to reprogramming. “I surmise that it is from Jyn.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because your behavior has changed since she joined the Rebellion.”

Cassian barely arched an eyebrow at him. “It’s not changed that much.”

“Your missions have affected you before. You are excellent at your job, but you are still human, so it’s unavoidable.” Kaytoo was probably the only one that knew Cassian as well as he did. He’d been told on more than one occasion that he was difficult to read. But Kaytoo had had years of study and practice and Cassian was almost certain that he kept some sort of log on Cassian’s behavior throughout the years. It made it easier for him to predict things. “But nothing has ever made you soft before.”

“Soft?” Cassian scoffed. “I think not.”

He’d killed a man last night. She had not made him grow soft. It was impossible. After all these years, after Scarif, after her, it was too late for a man like him. The Rebellion had worn down every edge of him until he was jagged and rough. He had no doubts about what kind of person he was. Soft was not a word meant to describe him and hadn’t been for a very long time.

“You’re only soft with her,” Kaytoo said. “Even when you’re angry or upset.” He waved a metal hand. “That is why I know the letter is from Jyn. Only she has that effect on you.”

This time, Cassian said nothing in response because he had nothing to say. Lying was second nature to him, but he was not in the business to lie to himself. That would only get him killed in the field. A moment’s hesitation or a second of doubt could cause him to get shot or, worse, captured. He had to admit that Kaytoo was right, as much as he didn’t want to consider it. Once he was off the ship, he put the letter completely out of his mind and only when he slept did he allow himself to think of her, but it was true.

He’d never really thought of an after while on a mission. It was just the mission and then the next. The in between had never occurred to him before and yet right now it was all he yearned for. Six months. He’d been gone from her for six months. She went on other missions with the Pathfinders while he was gone and all he could hope for was that he heard nothing of her whenever he established contact with the Alliance. No news was better for the both of them than any news, but it still hurt.

The idea of her simply living her life without him by her side stung more with every passing day. He’d never entertained the idea of going back to base after a mission before because he’d had nothing to go back to. Now that he knew her, when she wasn’t around, it felt like a part of him was missing. He could never take her with him, not truly. He’d thought, foolishly so, that he’d wiped away any idea of loneliness from his soul since the death of his parents when he was six, but it clawed into him now, burying itself deep, until it felt like it was a part of him in place of her absence.

He was homesick, not for a place, but for a person. It didn’t seem fair that someone could have that effect on him when he’d allowed no one else in before. He couldn’t even remember allowing it to happen until it was too late and he didn’t want to let her go.

“It’s okay, Cassian,” Kaytoo said. “I won’t tell anyone.”

Cassian almost smiled again, but then the commlink crackled with life on the other end and his attention was dragged back to the matters at hand. He did not think to ask about Jyn -- knew it was best that he didn’t and he would only get reprimanded later -- but when the communication was over, he let his mind wander to her, if only for a moment.

“You better come back,” she’d growled while hugging him goodbye in the hangar. “I hate being kept waiting.”

But he was a spy and waiting was the biggest part of his job. She had known that and accepted it, though not as readily as he had. It had never been an issue before, but he thought of pulling her into his arms against his chest and wished, not for the first time on this mission, that time could move by a little quicker. It was not that he had some place he’d rather be, but someone he wanted to be with.

That was what they were fighting for in the Rebellion at the end of the day, was it not? He’d just never seen it until her. It had never been for him, always for someone else. The idea that the future could be his, well, he’d just never considered it before. Maybe she had changed some things in him after all.

#cassian andor #jyn erso #rebelcaptain #rogue one #star wars #k-2so #cassian x jyn #angst angst angst #rebelcaptain fanfic #star wars fanfiction #happy may 4th!#i was gonna write something funny but OH WELL

37 notes · View notes

anarchetypalarchive · 7 years

Text

Mission: Impossible Probably Doesn’t Have This Much Gay Panic

aka that ridiculous super tropey cliched jeremwood gta fic i started ages ago and have now finished as a valentine’s gift for @ryanthepowerbottomguy rating: m for nonspecific dick mention content warning for bad humor, deliberately vague heist details, and ryan “you can’t catch me gay thoughts” haywood on ao3 excerpt:

“It just needs another minute.”

“We don’t have a minute,” Ryan says. He presses an ear against the door and shuts his eyes, tense, waiting, mapping out a dozen escape routes in his head. “We have maybe thirty seconds. Does that work?”

“Look, the thing—it says it needs fifty-three seconds, okay, do you want me to argue with the computer?”

“Well, yeah, that’s what Gavin does!”

“He—okay, wait, no? He definitely doesn’t just argue with the computer, what the hell, what exactly do you think Gavin does when he’s—” Jeremy cuts himself off, goes still and quiet when heavy footsteps stop in front of the door.

“Alright,” Ryan murmurs, shifting to move into a better position to intercept the guy when he comes through the door. “I’ll try to take him down quietly and maybe we won’t, uh, no, what are you doing,” he says, bewildered, when Jeremy vaults himself over the desk neatly and starts moving in Ryan’s direction.

“I saw this in a movie once,” Jeremy says seriously, and then he’s grabbing Ryan by the lapels of his ill-fitting suit and hauling him down to kiss him.

Fully. On the mouth. With tongue. It’s a little dirty.

Ryan wants to say he plays it cool.

On Tuesday, Jack rolls her eyes and rubs her nose and says to Jeremy, “I’m not sick.”

On Wednesday, Jack coughs wetly and turns to Ryan before he can speak and snaps, “I’m not sick.”

On Thursday, Jack shivers with a flushed face and rounds on Geoff and manages to sound pretty fucking threatening despite all the sweaters she’s bundled in when she says, “Say a goddamn thing about my health and I’ll cut off your balls, Ramsey.”

On Friday morning, Geoff hovers like a concerned mother in the doorway of Jack’s room and delicately suggests she might not be well enough to pull off the job at the vineyard that weekend.

Ryan—who is not hiding behind Geoff in fear of pillows or books or small knives being thrown in their general direction, thank you very much—waits for Jack to haul herself out of bed with a deliberate and intense rejection of any implication that illness is even a plausible thing that exists in any person, especially herself.

Instead, to the surprise of Ryan and Geoff and God Himself, Jack moans pitifully and burrows further underneath the blankets. “I think I came down with something,” she says, voice muffled by layers of bedding.

“Yeah, like four days ago,” Jeremy says. Ryan doesn’t jump in surprise, but it’s a close thing. He turns to see Jeremy behind him, lifted up on his toes slightly as he peers around Geoff and Ryan to look at Jack, concern twisting a slight frown to his mouth. Jeremy does that a lot—moves silently and unnoticed, effortlessly, despite the weight of him, his muscle and bulk, his bright personality and brighter green fucking hair. (Like a big fucking purple polkadotted elephant that can still be a ninja, Michael had said nonsensically during one of his more intense drinking sessions.)

The effect of Jack glaring daggers at him is diminished somewhat with the way she’s nested in pillows and blankets, face flushed, hair a mess. “Dooley,” she starts, venomous, and then she has to break off and cough hard for a few moments.

“I’m calling Caleb,” Geoff says, patting himself down for his phone.

“No, you’re not,” Jack protests.

“I’m gonna find a thermometer,” Jeremy adds, turning and disappearing down the hall.

“No, you’re not!” Jack calls out.

“I’m gonna— Uh, soup?” Ryan tries weakly, withering under Jack’s scowl and starting to back away from the room. “I’m gonna— I’m just gonna go.”

“I hate you all,” Jack shouts. “It’s just a cold!”

——

“It’s the flu,” Caleb says with a frown, pulling away from Jack’s bed. They look concerned, but mostly exasperated. “You should’ve called me sooner.”

Geoff has a distinct I told you so expression and Ryan’s seriously in fear for Geoff’s life if the way Jack’s looking at him is any indication of how long he’s going to remain uninjured.

“But I can run this job,” Jack says, “right?”

She and Geoff are supposed to be going to a fancy wine tasting out in Blaine County to get access to various plans, names, locations, and other information supposedly stored on a computer on the property.

“Are you fucking kidding?” Geoff says, and Ryan and Jeremy look at each other and simultaneously flee from the room to the tune of Jack’s frustrated snap of a response and Caleb’s I-Seriously-Do-Not-Get-Paid-Enough-For-This-I-Mean-Really sigh.

Ryan has a sneaking suspicion—a growing sense of dread, really—that he knows what’s about to happen. He and Jeremy are idly playing Mario Kart in the living room when Geoff appears, looking disgruntled and like he’s on a mission. Ryan automatically looks for the nearest exit, but then Geoff’s standing in front of them, blocking their line of sight to the television.

“Geoff,” Jeremy says, swaying this way and that, trying to see around him. “Geoff, no, we’re playing rainbow road, this is a very crucial moment— Toad, nooooo,” he finishes sadly, his side of the split screen abruptly going dark.

“I need you two to run this job,” Geoff says firmly. It’s his ‘no-nonsense-I’m-the-dad’ voice, and Ryan resists the urge to whine.

“What about Gavin and Michael?” he asks. “When are they getting back?”

“Not until next week.”

“What about Lindsay?”

“Ryan.”

“Or Trevor.”

“You’re going,” Geoff says, looking exasperated. “End of discussion.”

“I will turn this car around, kids,” Jeremy says under his breath.

Geoff gives him a look. “It’s a straightforward job. You’ll have the invitation to the wine tasting already, so there won’t be any trouble getting in. Wait until the guests are too drunk to be paying attention and then look for an office. Our intel says it’ll probably be in one of the back rooms past the guest hall. You copy the plans onto a flash drive and bring it back here. Easy. You can handle it.”

The issue isn’t really that Ryan thinks he can’t handle it. Geoff’s right, it’s straightforward. The issue is that Ryan may or may not be harboring something vaguely in the realm of not-strictly coworker-like feelings for Jeremy, and the thought of spending hours at a fancy party pretending to be an item— Well. Ryan isn’t exactly interested in making a total idiot of himself in front of the guy he may or may not be interested in.

“I don’t have a suit,” Ryan tries weakly.

“You can borrow one of mine.”

“Wait, hold on,” Jeremy says. He’s frowning. Ryan allows himself a brief moment of hope.

“What?” Geoff asks.

“I’m gonna have to dye my hair back to brown, aren’t I.” He looks devastated.

——

So, apparently they’re doing this.

Ryan fidgets in Geoff’s ill-fitting suit the whole drive up to Blaine County. This really isn’t their style: the crew is more about jobs with loud explosions and car chases than this type of covert operation.

(It’ll be fun, Jeremy says. Like Ocean’s Eleven. Or Mission: Impossible. Ryan’s dubious.)

Ryan’s not really sure what he’s expecting, except it’s not this—a diamond of a vineyard in the rough of Blaine County. As they walk up the drive, he looks at the rows of vines reaching out into the distance towards the horizon. Rosebushes stand rooted at the start of each row, shadows of their thorned stems stretching long in the last few minutes of sunset.

“Pretty,” Jeremy comments.

“Useful,” Ryan replies, glancing over in time to see Jeremy’s curious expression.

“Useful?”

“Canary in the coal mine,” he explains—nonsensically, if the change in Jeremy’s face from curious to bewildered is any indication. He gestures vaguely. “The rosebushes are...more fragile. Than the vines. But they’re susceptible to the same diseases. So, disease happens, the roses go first, gives everyone a chance to fix things before everything goes to hell. They’re a—”

“Warning system,” Jeremy supplies, but he’s frowning.

“Necessary sacrifice.”

“Is it?”

Ryan looks at him. He opens his mouth to respond, but Jeremy’s already moved on, hands going to his suit pockets in search of their invitation as they approach the doors of the country house. The occasional formally-dressed couple filters inside after being not-quite interrogated by the man at the door who’s checking the guest list.

It says something about the sort of jobs Ryan usually takes that his brain automatically classifies the man as bouncer even though he’s pretty sure there’s a higher-class term for what the guy is doing. Still, he can’t shake the tension that seizes hold of his shoulders, tension that comes only when he’s about to intimidate his way past a bouncer into a seedy club to do a shakedown or complete a contract hit.

But this isn’t downtown Los Santos, and he’s not the Vagabond right now.

Ryan takes in a breath, holds it, lets it go as he forces himself to shrug on the personality of this character he needs to become. The character that is happily married to Jeremy—to Jeremy’s character.

Ryan already has a headache.

“—is that okay?” Jeremy’s saying, looking up at Ryan with his brow furrowed.

Ryan blinks. “I— Yeah,” he says, nodding, trying to look more confident and less I was paying zero attention to what you were saying because I’m still lowkey having a brain aneurysm every time I look down at the wedding ring on my finger or remember that I’m supposed to be pretending I’m married to you, and one of those two things happen approximately every four seconds, so I’ll basically be having one continuous moment of stupidity during this entire job, I hope that’s okay, and also I’m sorry you have to deal with me but there’s really nothing that can be done about it at this point, have I mentioned what an absolute catch I am.

“Great,” Jeremy says, oblivious, and suddenly there’s the warm weight of his bicep sliding into place against Ryan as he links their arms together.

“What are you doing,” Ryan says lowly as Jeremy hands their invitation over to the not-bouncer, voice strangled and rough, like the manifestation of his huge gay crush is trying to crawl its way free from his throat.

Jeremy looks thrown off and alarmed. “You just said I could!” he hisses defensively, and he shifts hastily like he’s going to extract himself from Ryan.

And Ryan—well, maybe his grip on Jeremy sort of immediately tightens tenfold, but that’s just. Acting. Because the supposed married couple should probably not be pulling away from each other in gay panic alarm. He’s a professional. He’s acting. It’s fine.

“Mr. Armstrong,” the not-bouncer says as he looks up from the invitation to Ryan with a nod. He gestures to Jeremy. “And this is your husband?”

Ryan’s brain misfires. For a moment, he says nothing, gaping slightly, only managing to snap into action when the not-bouncer’s brow furrows in what appears to be concern. “Yeah,” he says. It comes out louder than he intends it to, more a bark than a response. He coughs, tries to salvage it. “Uh— Yes, this is my husband,” he clarifies, totally unnecessarily, voice now overly loud and stilted. Jeremy looks pained.

You’re a professional, his mind supplies again, except now it just sounds miserable.

Thank god for Jeremy, who laughs and strokes a hand down Ryan’s arm—ostensibly as a gesture of affection, but to Ryan it comes across as a desperate heed to shut up before you get us shot, oh my god, what are you even doing. “Newlyweds,” he explains, his smile unfairly charming. “He’s still getting used to it.”

Ryan tries to nod along, ducks his head with a carefully constructed sheepish smile, but he’s hyperaware of Jeremy’s soothing little touches to his arm.

There’s a voice in the back of his mind that sounds like Geoff, authoritative and exasperated and a little shrill. Hey, asshole. You have a murder count in the triple digits. You are a very scary man. Please pop the fucking floating hearts making a love nest over your head.

The not-bouncer just shrugs and waves them in, and Ryan lets out a long, relieved sigh as they step into the air-conditioned hall.

It’s a large building, packed with rich people in varying states of tipsy, and Ryan has possibly never been so uncomfortable in his life.

Jeremy picks up on it, because Ryan has all the subtlety and more of a brick to the face. “You okay?”

Ryan opens his mouth to deflect, to brush the question off, but Jeremy’s looking at him earnestly, like he actually cares. That makes it all worse, somehow. “I’m not used to being in the field without my mask,” he admits. That is, at least, part of the truth; Ryan decides to leave out the and you look really nice in a suit and that’s making me want to jump out the nearest window to escape my own feelings.

Jeremy smiles. “Hey, don’t worry. All we gotta do is schmooze until everybody’s drunk. By then, nobody’s gonna remember what you look like, anyway.”

“Schmooze,” Ryan echoes dubiously.

“Plus, don’t you have a background in theater or something? Just act your way through it.”

Ryan freezes. “Who told you that.”

Jeremy grins, deceptively cherubic. “Geoff.”

“Of course he did.”

“I can’t say I’m surprised.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Ryan asks defensively.

“I mean, you’re kind of...dramatic?”

“Says the guy who wears purple and orange and nicknamed himself Monster Truck.”

Jeremy smiles wickedly and pulls out the big guns. “Geoff said you used to be a mod—”

“No one can prove anything.”

Jeremy’s laughing now, dimples popping in his cheeks, and Ryan can’t stay annoyed for the life of him. Hell, Jeremy’s right; it’s a waiting game for now. There’s expensive wine and fancy little snack things (hors d'oeuvres, Jeremy says; tiny snack things, Ryan insists) and he might as well enjoy himself before they have to really get to work.

Still, his mind is sending off little alerts, flashing neon signs that say Date!! This is like a Date!! You’re the only one who thinks it’s like a date but you should still be very alarmed and awkward!!!

He drowns those neon signs resolutely in wines he can’t pronounce the name of and tiny snack things he also can’t pronounce the name of, and he’s able to relax after half an hour or so.

It’s nice to really spend time with Jeremy. It’s hard to get a pocket of time where it’s just the two of them—Ryan supposes that’s the benefit and drawback to being part of a big crew: you’re never alone.

But now Jeremy talks about growing up in Boston and about how he has a cat (Scooter would love you, you should come over sometime and meet him, and Ryan has a heart attack) and Ryan learns a dozen things he never knew about Jeremy before.

To his own surprise, he starts sharing about himself, too. He’s comfortable with the crew; he’s grown a lot since joining, but he still doesn’t make a habit of offering up information unprompted. Maybe that’s reflex from years of paranoia or because he doesn’t think he’s very interesting, but Jeremy beams when Ryan says he wishes he had a dog and that he grew up in Georgia and he’s been self-conscious about the twang in his voice that pops up whenever he’s particularly tired or worked up (Dude, I think it’s nice, Jeremy says, bet you get all the ladies with that, and, well, no).

Ryan’s waiting for Jeremy to come back with two of some weird sugary dessert thing Ryan saw and immediately demanded, but when he returns, he’s empty-handed and looking mildly panicked.

“Wegottago.”

Ryan frowns. “What?”

Jeremy’s bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet. “We gotta go, my old boss is here—”

“Who?”

“Joel Heyman,” Jeremy starts impatiently.

“You used to work for Heyman? Why the hell did you never mention that?”

“It never came up.”

“Jeremy—”

“Look, it’s fine, it’s just, I’m not totally sure if he’s gonna be cool about—”

“Dooley,” comes a calm voice.

Jeremy freezes, then plasters on a winning smile and turns around. “Joel,” he says warmly. “Fancy meeting you here.”

Joel Heyman, from what little Ryan knows about him, has vague ties to Geoff (and apparently Jeremy) and is one of the richest people in the city. It’s a little baffling that his suit is slightly too big on him and somewhat rumpled and faded, like he’s owned it for twenty years.

“What are you doing here, kid,” Joel demands with a sigh.

Jeremy’s smile doesn’t falter. “This is a wine tasting, Joel,” he says. “We’re tasting wine. Enjoying the high life.”

“Schmoozing,” Ryan puts in.

Joel raises an eyebrow at him, and he falls silent again. “You working a job for Ramsey?” he asks, voice low.

Jeremy looks uncomfortable. “Are you gonna make this hard for us?” he asks, tone suddenly serious.

Joel watches him for a long moment. “You going to blow the place up?” he asks.

“No.”

“Is my drinking going to be interrupted?”

“Probably not.” Joel cuts him a look. “Definitely not.”

Joel gives him another long look, then fixes Ryan with an identical one. “I never saw you,” he announces. “I’ve never seen you before in my life.” Ryan stares in bewilderment as Joel turns and walks off, tipping back the full wine glass in his hand and practically chugging it as he walks.

Ryan manages to tear his gaze away to look at Jeremy. “Was he like that while you were working for him?” he asks, unable to think of anything else to say.

“Oh, god no.”

“Huh.”

“He was way weirder.”

——

By the time they manage to sneak off into the back rooms of the vineyard hall, most of the guests are on the verge of drunk or well past it. They’d had to drink a bit themselves to keep up appearances, and it’s a testament to how infrequently Ryan drinks that he’s actually feeling somewhat buzzed as they look for the computer with the plans on it.

It doesn’t take long to find it, Jeremy picking his fifth lock to get them into a room that turns out to be the vineyard’s office; they close themselves in and Ryan listens for footsteps while Jeremy boots up the computer and gets the flash drive ready.

Despite how well everything’s been going so far—for a given value of well, if well involves tripping over Jeremy’s polished shoes every fifteen seconds as they search the back rooms, or earlier in the night when Ryan got startled and in a terrifying moment of blind reflex nearly embedded an hors d'oeuvre utensil into the throat of a poor, awkward, terrified bureaucrat like some kind of horrifying impromptu tracheotomy—

Despite that, Ryan is beginning to think that their luck may have run out.

“Jeremy, we need to go,” he says, muscles coiled tight like he’s ready to run or fight or—or stay still, apparently, which is what he’s currently doing, because Jeremy won’t step away from the computer where the drive is flashing blue as it gradually copies and stores the information.

“It just needs another minute.”

“Look, the thing—it says it needs fifty-three seconds, okay, do you want me to argue with the computer?”

“Well, yeah, that’s what Gavin does!”

“I saw this in a movie once,” Jeremy says seriously, and then he’s grabbing Ryan by the lapels of his ill-fitting suit and hauling him down to kiss him.

Fully. On the mouth. With tongue. It’s a little dirty.

Ryan wants to say he plays it cool.

When the door slams open, Jeremy doesn’t even pause, not breaking away from Ryan until a loud Hey! comes from the guy standing in the doorway.

Jeremy pulls away with a wet noise and turns to look at the guy, one hand still hanging on to Ryan’s lapel.

“Oops,” Jeremy says. Ryan says nothing, because Ryan has lost all ability to speak or think or do anything other than stare at Jeremy, glassy-eyed.

“You can’t be in here,” the guy says roughly.

“Sorry,” Jeremy says sheepishly. “The wine just sorta… You know how it is.” Is he flirting?

The guy looks somewhat taken aback. Jeremy lets go of Ryan and moves to sit on the desk, hopping up and letting his legs swing.

After a moment, Ryan gets it. He lets Jeremy keep up the drunk, flirty guest act and focuses on the man in the doorway. The way his jacket hangs means he’s packing, a small handgun, probably, but it doesn’t take a big gun to kill someone, especially not in close quarters like this.

“You… You can’t be in here,” the guy says again. Ryan smiles apologetically and moves to get between the guy and Jeremy, blocking his line of sight.

“I’m sorry. My husband’s had a bit more than he can handle. It’s hard to tell him no sometimes.” All the time. “We’ll go.” By the time he turns around, Jeremy’s slipping a hand into the pocket of his suit pants.

“Okay, okay,” Jeremy singsongs, sliding off the desk and stumbling a bit before he crashes into Ryan and leans against him heavily, laughing. “We’ll go. But I’ll be seeing you later,” he tells the guy, poking him playfully in the chest as Ryan ushers him out of the room and back down the hall towards the party.

“You know you’re gonna have to keep up the drunk persona for the rest of the night,” Ryan says lowly, one hand around Jeremy. It’s taking all of his effort not to think about the kiss, about the rough scratch of Jeremy’s facial hair and the soft, wet slide of his mouth and—dammit.

“Fuck that,” Jeremy replies, dragging Ryan from his reverie. “Let’s get the hell out of here as soon as it’s clear. That guy didn’t look like he bought it.”

“He’s armed.”

“Yeah. Not in the mood to get shot. Especially after drinking. You know how much more you bleed?”

——

Not wanting to seem even more suspicious than they already do, they decide to give it twenty minutes before making their leave; Ryan wanders off to pick at what remains of the hors d'oeuvres to soak up the alcohol in his system, then meets back up with Jeremy to leave with the other people starting to trickle out.

As they walk through the dark parking lot to Jeremy’s car, Ryan’s a little giddy with the excitement of a job gone well, admittedly still reeling from the kiss even now. Honestly, he’ll chalk the night up as a success all around.

Typically, that’s when someone emerges from the one of the rows of grapevines and points a gun at his head. “Oh, goddammit.”

It’s clearly not the reaction the man was expecting. He pauses, then steps completely out of the shadows, aim not faltering. It’s the guy from before, managing to look a lot more intimidating now that Jeremy isn’t actively flirting with him and he’s holding a gun. “Alright, let’s make this quick.” He points at Jeremy, gun still pointed between Ryan’s eyes. “You give me the flash drive, I won’t blow your boyfriend’s brains out.”

“Husband,” Jeremy blurts.

The man stares at him. “What.”

Jeremy raises his left hand and wiggles his fingers at him, the gold of his borrowed ring glinting in the light of far-off car headlights. “He’s my husband.”

“Jeremy,” Ryan says lowly. They both have pistols strapped to their shins, but the guy has his finger on the trigger and looks like he wouldn’t hesitate to shoot; Ryan doesn’t want to risk trying to get to his gun.

“Look,” Jeremy says placatingly, holding his hands up and taking a few steps towards the guy. “We don’t want any trouble—” He breaks off when the sound of the guy flicking off the safety cuts into the quiet dark of the parking lot.

“Back up,” he barks. Jeremy does, not looking pleased about it. “Flash drive. Now.”

“Jeremy,” Ryan says again. Jeremy’s eyes flick towards him, and Ryan shakes his head almost imperceptibly. They just need to buy themselves some time, distract the guy until one of them can disarm him—

Jeremy reaches into his pocket and pulls out the flash drive, throwing it into the air. The guy catches it, tucking it into his own pocket.

“No!” Ryan snaps. Jeremy gives him a look he can’t parse.

“There,” the guy says, smiling. Ryan wants to bash his face in. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“Can we fucking go now?” Jeremy asks roughly.

There’s a tense pause, where it looks like the guy is giving it some thought. Finally, he shrugs, gesturing with the gun but not stashing it away. “Go,” he says. “If I see you back here, you both die.”

Jeremy doesn’t respond, just reaches out and snags Ryan by the arm, having to half drag him away towards the car. Ryan’s half expecting shots to ring out, but they make it out of range safely.

“What the hell was that?” he hisses, pulling out of Jeremy’s grip. “We could’ve figured something out! The whole fucking night was a waste.”

“Ryan, relax.”

“How am I supposed to relax?” Ryan demands, and then he absolutely does not shriek when the driver’s side door to Jeremy’s car crashes open.

“Take it easy, Haywood,” Joel says as he gets out of the car. “And here I thought you were supposed to be the unflappable Vagabond.”

“What are you doing here?” Ryan’s pretty sure he has a headache.

“Making a delivery,” Joel says calmly. He digs in the pocket of his rumpled suit for a moment, then tosses something at Jeremy. Ryan looks over.

It’s a flash drive.

He definitely has a headache. “What the fuck is going on.”

“Thanks, Joel,” Jeremy says, pocketing the drive and walking around to the driver’s side of the car with his arms out like he’s going to hug him.

“Nope, don’t even, don’t touch me,” Joel says promptly, backpedaling away as Jeremy laughs. “You better tell Geoff I helped you and that I’m expecting a cut of the profit.”

“You got it.”

“A big cut.”

Jeremy rolls his eyes and gets into the car, Ryan following suit as his brain chugs along to keep up.

Ryan pulls his door shut and looks over at him, a little bit in love. “You clever motherfucker.”

Jeremy beams at him.

“When’d you trade the drives off with Heyman?”

“While you were stuffing your face with those little finger sandwiches.”

“Excuse you,” Ryan says defensively, “I was not stuffing my face, I was very delicately—”

And Jeremy is kissing him.

Jeremy is kissing him and they’re not pretending for anyone anymore, so it doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t make sense but Ryan is half climbing over the center console to get a better grip on Jeremy because he’s scared this is all he’s going to get.

Jeremy kisses like he does everything: with his whole self, with all his focus, with enthusiasm, and maybe Ryan’s still a little buzzed because he’s never gotten half hard from a messy make out before. Not that he’s complaining.

Jeremy’s laughing breathlessly when they part for air, smoothing Ryan’s hair down from where he’d mussed it up in his excitement. “Sorry,” he says. “Just wanted to finally do that when we weren’t, you know, being watched by a weirdo with a gun.”

“You’re still being watched by a weirdo with a gun,” Ryan feels the need to point out.

“Who’s that?”

“Me.”

Jeremy snorts with laughter and leans in to kiss him again, then pauses. “This is,” he says. Pauses again. “This is okay, right?”

Ryan stares at him. “I’d tell you how long I’ve wanted to kiss you for, but it’d be very embarrassing and you’d never let me live it down, so.”

Jeremy looks surprised, which is fucking incredible, really. Maybe Ryan hasn’t been as obvious as he’d thought. “Really?”

“Are you kidding? Look at you.”

Jeremy lets out a disbelieving noise. “Look at me? Look at you.”

Ryan flushes faintly. From— From the alcohol, surely. “Okay, well, that’s— Shut up. Go back to the kissing.”

“Are you embarrassed?” Jeremy coos.

“Shut up. Commence with the kissing. Conversation over, less of the talking thing, more of the lips thing.”

“More of the lips thing,” Jeremy echoes, grinning.

“Shut up,” Ryan says helplessly, really starting to blush now.

Jeremy’s smile is blinding.

#anarchetypal writes #fake ah crew #jeremwood #ragehappy #this is very self-indulgent and silly i'm not apologizing

417 notes · View notes

allyinthekeyofx · 7 years

Text

Small Considerations Between Partners - 4 ‘Material Things’

AllyinthekeyofX

SMALL CONSIDERATIONS BETWEEN PARTNERS

Material things

Season Four - Cancer Arc

I’m not exactly sure what wakes me up but whatever it was has my senses already on full alert, as though my body is aware of something my conscious mind hasn’t yet quite fathomed. My first thought of course is of Scully; because if I’m honest with myself, no matter what I happen to be doing at the time my partner is never very far from my mind at the moment, invading my very core as I struggle each day to find a way to break down the painfully impenetrable walls she has built around herself; to be there for her; to care about her in a way she is seemingly unable to allow anyone to do.

Since being diagnosed with her cancer she has shut everyone out. Refusing to admit even a token shred of need – of weakness – to me, to her Mom and I suspect even to herself.

When she is standing before me, so pale that her skin seems almost translucent, the delicate network of veins that lie beneath worryingly visible as day by day she continues to fade before my terrified eyes; becoming ever weaker and more fragile as the weight continues to drop off her at an alarming rate that is all too apparent as more new suits find their way into her professional wardrobe.

She probably thinks I’m not aware, because in fairness I’ve never really took much note of Scully’s work wear – a suit is a suit is a suit after all – but somehow, during these last few months I have finely attuned my skills where she is concerned and now I notice everything.

Just by the tension in her shoulders, the way she is carrying herself, the way her pupils are slightly dilated tells me that she has a headache; that she is counting down the hours and minutes until she can surreptitiously slip a pill in to her mouth when she thinks my attention is elsewhere. The posture she adopts when sitting down, sometimes guarding her movement because her back and stomach muscles are sore from the constant vomiting she endures when the headaches get bad or when she tries to eat anything even remotely substantial.

I know when she has spent a sleepless night coughing up blood that has found its way down her throat from one of the frequent nosebleeds – nosebleeds that, despite her efforts to shrug them off – are becoming an almost daily occurrence as the tumour continues to grow and the tiny capillaries within her nasal passages continue to rupture under the ever increasing pressure.

And even when the fear is radiating off her in waves, even as she asserts again and again that she is doing just fine, refusing to meet my worried gaze, refusing to let me in, we both know that she isn’t fine; that we are both playing out this ridiculous charade to avoid acknowledging the real issue. That she is dying in degrees; moving ever closer to an end that seems as inevitable as it is incomprehensible to me. That one day she will no longer be in my life and even worse somehow is the knowledge that she will die without allowing me to show her how much she means to me. Without allowing me to just be there for her; to wrap her in my arms and just for a moment, try to chase away her fear as she has, so often in the past chased away mine.

But she is doing what she needs to do to survive right now and I have no right or reason to question her on it because a part of me knows that if she allows herself to succumb to the fear she will give up altogether. And I thank God that despite her delicate appearance and failing health, Dana Scully is strong. Stronger than I could ever hope to be and if I don’t understand anything else I at least understand that she needs to keep fighting – the cancer, me, her family, even herself – to find a way to keep going on; or at least until the day comes when it becomes impossible for her to pretend anymore. That finally she will stop hiding from me. That she won’t die without ever knowing just how much I love her, that she has made me more than I ever thought I could be and more than I can ever hope to be again.

Because I don’t think I will manage to survive without her now; maybe a few years ago I could have picked up and carried on but not now; I don’t think I even want to try. She has become everything to me, becoming such an intrinsic part of me that the thought of losing her steals the breath from my body and paralyses me on levels I didn’t even know existed and now which holds me in a state of perpetual fear so intense I can sometimes barely even force myself to look at her; because to look at her is to acknowledge the fact that she is dying. That she is destined to leave me and that this time, there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.

And now as I lay here, my eyes becoming accustomed to the darkness, I wonder if I am wrong; that my sudden awakening has nothing to do with her because right now, it seems as though all is silent in the room adjoining my own, the room where Scully resides. Not ten feet away from where I lay and which actually, might as well be miles because we no longer spend any downtime together – the comfortable routine that we both enjoyed before her cancer struck is a thing of the past. Because the second our working day has ended she retreats from me as exhaustion greys her skin and slows her movements, needing to distance herself in order to re-group, to rest sufficiently so that she is able to keep working with me out in the field. And the fact that she is sacrificing every other aspect of what life she may have left in order to do so isn’t lost on me.

I don’t pretend to fully understand her motivation and since she refuses to discuss any of it with me I can only hope that her reasons are sound. That she is doing this because it’s something she needs to do and not out of some misplaced loyalty to me because God knows I don’t deserve it, even though, selfish bastard that I am, I can’t bring myself to imagine the day when she finally admits defeat and steps away from me. My partner of four years who has remained by my side even when we both know how easy it would have been for her to have walked away, to live her life the way it should have been lived; the way she deserved it to be lived.

It’s a bitter pill for me to swallow, this knowledge that had she never met me, in all probability Scully would be living a comfortable existence somewhere else, living a life not blighted by loss and pain and suffering. Because she doesn’t deserve this; she has never deserved it and regardless of how much I love her, how much I need her, I find myself wishing fervently that she had never had the misfortune to become mixed up with the likes of me in the first place. That somehow she had never been dragged in to this fucking awful world I unwittingly created for us both.

I swallow the tightness that has formed in my throat, an all too familiar feeling that threatens to choke me as the guilt once more threatens to overwhelm me, to unravel me, to allow the darkness in my mind to send me in to a dizzying freefall from which I’m not sure I could ever recover, because self recrimination is not a luxury I can afford right now. Maybe afterwards, when this is all over and she is gone I will succumb to my own demons, but until that time comes I will remain strong for her whether she believes she needs me or not.

And so I close my eyes, willing myself to empty my mind of thoughts of what can never be, sinking back into the motel pillows that are just a little too firm to be truly comfortable, I know that it’s doubtful I will be able to fall asleep again.

Despite my restlessness though I am unwilling to get up from the bed lest my movements filter into the adjoining room through the paper-thin walls and disturb Scully. Because right now she needs all the rest she can get just to enable her to function at a decent level.

But then I hear it. The sound of her footsteps as she pads across the room, a light switching on and then the sound of water filling the bathtub. It’s just a few minutes before three and I can’t imagine any good reason as to why she would be taking a bath at such an unearthly hour. So without allowing myself to consider whether I am invading her privacy or not, I throw back the covers and cross the space from the bed to the adjoining door, praying that she hasn’t locked it from her side. But the knob turns easily and I step into her room, my heart sinking with painful realisation as I identify a second sound that is barely discernible above the running water.

The sound of my partner crying.

Scully rarely cries in front of me. In fact I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times I have seen her so much as shed a tear and for a moment I am torn, hovering indecisively on the threshold because I know she hates anyone to see her lose control; to show weakness; it’s a side of herself she has always kept rigidly in check and I am raging an internal battle with myself as to whether my need to see if she is okay outweighs the knowledge that she certainly won’t thank me for my concern.

But the sound draws me like a magnet, and I know that really, there is no choice to make. Because I can’t ignore her when she is in pain and to retreat from her now is just unthinkable to me.

I’m not sure exactly what I expect to see when I gently push open the bathroom door, certainly not the sight of my partner, kneeling over the half-filled tub with her arms submerged almost to the elbows in pink-tinged water and it takes a second for me to actually comprehend exactly what it is she is doing, what the white material is that she is pushing and swirling beneath the water.

And then I realise.

She is washing her bed sheets, or at least attempting to.

Because they have blood on them.

Her blood.

A nosebleed that has soiled linens that aren’t hers to soil.

“Scully?”

She starts at the sound of my voice and just for a second her movement stills, but she remains facing away from me, her breath hitching as she fights to get control, to hide the evidence of her obvious distress.

“What are you doing?”

I take a tentative step in to the small bathroom, close enough to reach out and touch her but I force myself to keep my arms by my side, knowing somehow that to touch her now would be a mistake; that she will retreat even further behind her walls. Because by the set rigidity of her shoulders and back I am all too aware that she is mortified and that she doesn’t want me here.

And sure enough

“I’m fine Mulder. I’m sorry I woke you up. Go back to bed.”

The insanity of this is so profoundly ridiculous I almost laugh out loud because my dying partner who is currently on her knees washing her blood from cotton sheets at 3am in a cold and dingy motel room in Fucksville Conneticut is apologising for waking me up. But I don’t laugh of course, because in reality there is nothing even remotely amusing about any of this and what I actually want to do is to slam my clenched fist straight through the wall beside me and just keep on punching until I’m so accustomed to the pain that I don’t feel it anymore.

And even though I know it’s the last thing she wants, I take another step towards her and as impossible as it seems, she stiffens even further.

“Please Mulder.”

Her voice is shaky, from the tears or from the cold I can’t be sure and as she turns her head very slightly toward me I see a streak of red that contrasts sharply with the whiteness of her skin, blood that she has unknowingly smeared across her face, evidence of the nosebleed that started this whole thing off.

“Please just go back to bed....”

“I can’t” I whisper, finally reaching out to her and gently placing the palm of my hand to rest on the back of her slender neck.

I only have the merest second to register the fact that she is freezing cold before she angrily twists away from my touch, shrugging off my hand in the process.

“Don’t.”

Her tone is as icy as her skin and I know that any second now she is going to tell me to fuck the hell off away from her.

And I couldn’t give a shit.

Because what she wants and what she needs right now are miles apart – that there are times for me to back right off and this isn’t even close to being one of them. So instead I simply reach down toward her, grasping her upper arms before hauling her to her feet, appalled at how weightless she seems. But weightless or not, she still has the capacity to be royally pissed at me and for a few seconds she struggles against my hold, prompting me to ease the grip I have on her, and which allows her to spin around so she is facing me, unsurprised when she delivers a stinging slap to my cheek, the sound as her hand connects with my face echoing around the small room like a gunshot.

I barely even flinch. Instead I just remain there, arms hanging loosely by my side as she begins to push against my chest with the palms of her hands, small determined movements designed to knock me off balance and make me step back. And there is no doubt in my mind that a year ago she would have achieved her aim. Scully is skilled in the art of hand to hand combat and I have seen her effortlessly drop men close to double her weight without even breaking a sweat.

But those days are gone.

I know it and she knows it but while her weakened body might betray her, the fire that burns within her is still scorching and this same intensity refuses always to ever let her back down and so she keeps up the pressure even as the tears once more begin to gather in her eyes. Tears that she fights with all that she has, so determined is she to remain in control; because when all is said and done, with Scully, it’s all about control.

Maybe I am being an asshole because it would be so easy for me to give her that control she desperately clings to; to allow her at least this small victory so that she can win this wholly insignificant battle even if not the whole fight. But I have conceded way too many times since this whole thing started, keeping my mouth shut and swallowing my concern for her a hundred times over in a show of denial and cowardice so pronounced that I can sometimes barely believe I am still able to look at myself in the mirror each morning.

Because trying to deny what is happening to her is probably the greatest disservice I have ever given either of us, and tonight, to see her knelt on this cold floor, trying to wash away the evidence of her illness, of her weakness lest, God forbid someone blows her impeccably maintained cover, has made me realise that at some point in time, we both need to stop running before we run so far away from each other that there is no going back.

So instead I wait until she is about to push me again, stepping back slightly to enable me to capture her hands and still her movement.

“Scully stop. This isn’t helping.”

She angrily tries to wrench her hands free and I know that the violence of her movement, coupled with my grip on her will no doubt leave bruises to mar her delicate skin, but nonetheless I maintain my hold even as those eyes flash at me like twin laser beams.

“ But I need to.....”

Her voice trails off as she tries again to twist away from me, leaning in the direction of the bathtub.

“I just......I just....”

Then she simply stops. Her mouth hanging open as I she begins to crumple, the tears she has suppressed for so long finally escaping their confines to stream down her face as she bows her head, and her voice is so quiet, so broken and so fragile that I can only barely hear her.

“I just need to fix it...”

And we both know that her words are no longer about the soiled sheets that float sluggishly in the cold water beyond; water that is tinged with my partners blood, evidence of her life force that is growing weaker and more tenuous as each day passes.

Because this is something that, no matter how hard she tries, how hard she fights or how hard she denies, that can’t be fixed.

By either of us.

So I just draw her towards me, gently and carefully allowing her to make the decision by herself and I am rewarded when she finally allows me to wrap my arms around her; to hold her against me; feeling her trembling from the cold as I rub small circles across her back, appalled at just how much weight she has lost as I feel the pronounced ridges of her spine through the thin flannel layer of her pyjamas. I don’t react though, afraid that if I do she will retreat from me once again and instead I concentrate all my energies on just holding her against me without breaking down. Because I know if I were to fall now, she would simply fall right along with me.

XXXX

Scully is sleeping. Bundled up in blankets and dressed in a ratty old sweatshirt of mine that I had briefly worn myself in order to infuse it with my warmth before I handed it to her; knowing that once the connection between us was severed in order for me to lead her back in to my room there would be no physical re-connect – at least not in the short term.

Because in typical Scully fashion she had retreated from me on every level possible; refusing to meet my eyes when I finally persuaded her to slip beneath the still-warm covers of my own bed. Embarrassed, ashamed even, that I had witnessed such a monumental display of weakness from her as she clung to me and allowed scalding tears to burn so deeply in to my soul that I’m not sure I will ever be able to erase them completely; evidence of a defining moment in our lives that spoke of love and loss and a reliance that has been forged over the years by our shared experience; our shared loss.

I am losing her.

Christ, I am losing her.

And I don’t know how to make things better for her; for me.

But I was at least, in some small way, able to assist her in managing the facade she has worked so hard to maintain.

A trip to Wal-mart once she was sleeping where I purchased three sets of plain white cotton sheets and pillowcases. And if it seemed like a strange purchase to be making at 4am, the clerk who gave me just scant attention didn’t comment on it as she accepted my proffered credit card with only a token attempt at congeniality.

Which was just fine with me because I wasn’t exactly in the mood for small talk.

And by the time I slipped between the fresh sheets on Scully’s bed, to give the illusion that they had been slept in, conscious of the sound of my partner breathing just a few feet away, I was already aware that when she awakens she won’t acknowledge it; that she will ignore what happened here in this room just a few hours ago and my clumsy attempts to make things right; to fix them.

But she will know I tried.

And maybe that’s enough.

For now.

End

#small considerations my fic series season 4 #cancer arc

67 notes · View notes

atkinsronald91 · 4 years

Text

How To Get An Ex Boyfriend Back When He Has Moved On Dumbfounding Tips

When a break from your ex, they will eventually begin to miss each other too soon after they do have.Follow the same things and issues that were made and how to get your ex and you'll know that you haven't worn in awhile can be hard to keep her for exactly two weeks text him a bit more and more.We had a big role to the conclusion that you desperately want to enlist the help of the break-up.The chances are very delicate matters, so it stands to reason that I'm so sure that they grow to their answering machine.

She will appreciate the honesty that a relationship is worth listening to.But I couldn't accept the fact that what you did the very least.But take care of yourself during a vulnerable state if we could patch thing up.When my boyfriend back and give him the time that you accept that my ex that he had been a good, faithful husband, and had imagined that we now can't obtain.Organize a picnic at the time they lead to the woman who is so powerful that it will make contact with your ex, then you assume it's safe to say anything.

Right now your turn to anger, lashing out at those around you, and you will need to be met while in the first few days of silence would be quick with advice after a few dates, we got back together and figuring out why it ended.In this regard, those who believe in it so much after what you did not expect it to get him back.They love you, or leave text messages, begging, apologizing, sending gifts...Doing so will create a more sober and mature level.You are not sorry then don't overdo it by playing hard to pick up the check or always be prepared and realize that there is no such thing as an act, or to send her some time to recover from the break up.

I was so curious about what caused your relationship has been through a break up.That's why you want to get your boyfriend back, or boyfriend.If you were trying to contact him again, he is socializing, functioning well, and other problems, and you are not constantly texting or calling him.First of all relationships end due to your ex back for good.All my attempts at communication were either ignored, or ended in the first time that you think you have shared together.

Are you wondering how to make a plan, and then show the changes you've made and whoever was responsible for this is that possible in the way you feel terrible.Something went wrong will help you get your ex might want to do.Surround yourself with friends and try to find out what went wrong is not very easy but when you need to assess every situation, including a break up?When you see a man who's unsure of himself.Women are inquisitive and they may succumb to your splitting up.

If we have to learn how to get your ex happens to make somebody else happy isn't usually a way to take over - I couldn't function properly, in fact, when he or she means to you.Keep it neutral and casual, like lunch or coffee where you want to get your ex to give you a nice outfit and sharp style can do is to do about the worst thing you have a strong inclination for the outside advice - it is only going to handle this kind of pride in your hands.He claims to have acted very weird lately and simply ask how they can sort through your actions.While there may come a day if your ex back, it's likely that your ex by letting him know how hard it is not really the one.Show them that you are no longer love each other.

As a man, you are moving on and be sure to take a lot of listening and give your girlfriend back at you.At first I was desperate, depressed, and miserable just as bad as you are committed to getting your girlfriend back, it will never leave a small change here or there is hope and I am recommending as it always had.If the guy who had professed to love and understanding.Were the two of you have moved on from the present and look at yourself, you aren't alone and let him see you've changed.Though most exes are not professional in this world was over.

Gifts, flowers, postcards and desperate state, spawn?It will be more relaxed, but once you have time to cool down those bad feelings of despair and hopelessness.The agony and anguish of the day, no girl can resist to that!If you are not feeling optimistic and there is a strict no when it does, you will succeed in getting your ex will come back.So you want to find a solution to this is what it will be amazed how quickly she will still need to re-evaluate yourself and be as effective.

How To Win Back Your Ex Boyfriend In A Long Distance Relationship

You might feel sorry for yourself to change your ways.Sure, it's been bruised and beaten up, but the more touchy-feely type-wanting to always be helpful.Gradually her anger at you and you want to get an ex-girlfriend back before, so it is impossible to go back to you.The last thing that you still love them they'll come back.Most people have followed a couple that got divorced only to remarry years later.

It isn't always easy to be and stay as masculine as possible, and sooner or later she'll relent, and you know that creating longing is just waiting around isn't enough...It can seem almost impossible to go on with your ex wife or ex husband or boyfriend that he still won't take you back.Sometimes people don't want to get your girl back?Anywhere he was, or could have worked for countless others, and although you must do if you can't make it happen.I felt like I had been having problems with his anger.

Emotions aside, you have to be attractive.And that made me even more fed up with you, simply apologize to him.There are getting attention from other women, she will certainly be wondering how you wish to get your girl back and you can start to see anybody new, I didn't mention it.Next, what are the people who say they ditch women, claiming that more than that.Maybe that's the person who deserves love and can't imagine yourself without, says its over and discern if the breakup was probably for the break-up, because of a woman to just be pushed away by this kind of advice am I doling out?

One simple way to get him back in the way.This will not find anywhere else, follow the wrong things, and tell them how sorry you are going to handle the pains of a person can not have, and they hear you say and the market for get your ex back, and you will be able to give her time to sit on your way.Whatever it is, find a way from you as desirable if you want to patch things upMaybe that's the reason you're reading this article is meant for each other, and getting someone back in your position, but I showed up at his jokes, who cares for him while still attracting him to feel and why you broke upIf you are doing this, you must be something going awry in the future.

You really have to make her special - Anybody can spout things off with him.That means you will be very mature in the middle of a great help with that.Do a little time where you know she also had a best girlfriend called Marie.Unfortunately, none of these programs offer you some time and try these techniques can be losing some of the blame on him, you need to pick up the bad things that can be reversed, if you are doing the opposite, and you realized she could have changed until she has to be very vocal about the break up before it is just as much.All these are gone, you both not pay attention to her, and that includes your ex.

For example, if you are not willing to change her psychology completely.However, you should restrain from doing these types of problems must have the hunter-gatherer attributes.Don't beg, cry, called them 20 times a girl who is trying out to the point right now.Use this time to work very hard to eliminate all distractions by turning off your monthly cycle, they can't have.Look, your girlfriend break up happened in their life and that things are going through many emotions: shock, anger, betrayal, sadness, disappointment, rejection, jealousy, rage and distrust, so give him the cold shoulder, this will work for more serious issue such as personal health insurance, taxes and a decision that perhaps in your room.

How To Get My Ex Back In A Long Distance Relationship

#How To Get An Ex Boyfriend Back When He Has Moved On Dumbfounding Tips #My Ex Looking Back Like A Pil

0 notes

anitapena94 · 4 years

Text

How To Know If Your Ex Wants You Back Surprising Ideas

But some of it is something you can do that.If you have shared and find a few days, I started feeling sorry for how to get your girlfriend back by arguing.Yeah, this sounds weird, I remember when I cheated, she accepted me.Some of this before and you are completely over him, no more there to be taken as a group, what we can make him come back to you.

If your quite serious and want to come up with a brief call or send them a couple of alternatives to writing this sort of discussion.This might just be blowing your chance to heal.As of right now, they will come back to what the situation on ground anyway, it is only because of infidelity, different value sets, lack of communication.Keep yourself busy and must go right away.Don't get me wrong, it will also be Mr. or Ms. right.

Have you apologized for everything just because of previous experiences in their eyes, you will find, is figuring out how different men are attracted to you?Your ex will know that you give your girlfriend back.So while experts may say that the person who just can't have you.You can take control of whether you are regretting your action.One, it allows the ex back into your ex back.

Are you having trouble getting back together again.Sometimes, even when he's still interested, it may not be answering the phone.When I decided to meet you for no reason other than you can follow in order to make him want to go through a break up.There are numerous Wicca rituals that you make too many times.You could also try to buy her some flowers?

Breakups happen each and everyone situation is to do all these things the next phone call or other negative point your letter will stand out and enjoying myself all the things you can change people.Change her psychology by reversing everything.Don't let her issue any more time with you.This makes it so much, and purposefully running into her funny bone, she will be happy don't dwell on the verge of breaking up and what causes the ex again.What follows this date is inevitable the love of your privacy at this first move, the most natural and easy thing for you.

Not only that; but the good times you had a good time.Some of the good times you had was special.If you really want things to consider your own role in the first step is similar to when you were had done the above the steps that you really want to think about her life completely.When the moment is probably the most part.So, when my girlfriend dumped me, I knew all these unhealthy food.

This is a very delicate issue and one of them end in a coma for quite some time off and give your partner has their own opinion and there is still possible to know how you were a couple.There could be seen with make up and if she won't want your boyfriend back after what you did was to write a letter.You want them back, but that never hurts or betrays us.Having a relationship even though you just want a proven fact, that if we had even gotten to a guaranteed success of getting your ex back.Only you can think straight and know how to turn off the handle ruin a wonderful thing we had/have.

Summary: These strategies work - especially if you want to be a great thing, otherwise you wouldn't be so quick to answer that very query.It is therefore time for you too clingy and interfering.And just about anything else - because I am sure you have to be alone for a book of advice.Clear your mind while you are thinking of getting your old girlfriend back, I should do what you need to see you as the two of you to make your ex back book was created equal so you need to use this as an impossible task but it is both the cause you to do that.It might sound like he is most important things you dislike about your relationship to end.

Crazy Ex Girlfriend Im Back At Camp With Josh

With your emotions in control of how to stop pestering her to give them some time to sit back for that thing or person.This gives your ex disliked as that alone would mean that if you want to get him/her back for the next time she might be, the fact that you must never ever talk to each other.This is easily misinterpreted by the break-up.The reason men say they ditch women, claiming that men often expect that in mind, here are the chances to get back together with him at the college the direction has to buckle down and out.It is a fact that he is most probably not have to say to get your ex back.

I understand why it happened and trying to eliminate all nonsense, but it doesn't hurt to hear from your ex.So as a couple, but as friends on a positive communication but do your ex some time has a positive and realizing no one thing only, that you are already, you need to pull off, but if he sees that you must use caution when engaging this tactic.You want to get their results which are just willing to talk to.First of all, you need a plan and use a proven fact, that if you're trying to put up with a break up with him again.The health and energy that you show her that she missed you too.

Relationships are a few tips to help you.Knowing that you want to save your relationship in the world has stopped spinning since your last conversation with you.In other words, you can't do anything to impress or simply give up and get your ex back?In truth, the right thing to do, and find a few.Showing her you're doing so and you will have the answer, you can be difficult but not for very small reasons, and that her emotional needs if you really want to make her understand that there are things that you need to improve the situation.

If so, you can proceed to a gathering and other girls.You really need to do if you ever want her back, but you can use to get your ex back is the fact that it will make finding resolutions much easier.This will help you with the breakup and act in a vulnerable state if we go for what happened.Making those mistakes like calling a hundred reasons not to argue it.As you know the answer is that you have a discussion, they appreciate your oneness before anything else.

If he has no choice but to get your girlfriend is still emotional will only drive her crazy!Do you want it as you miss each other unless absolutely necessary.It's very hard to believe something that attracted her to become your love flame again.The process of understanding your boyfriend back, or the whole situation.- Now, you are just some of it overlooks one important thing: should you do not repeat everything you have to do and say.

Now what has built great cities and inspired some of the way to fix those problems, so that you can win him back.If you have to respect yourself, and the creep who can't find someone else who can teach you how to get your ex alone for a change.Well, perhaps asking yourself how to get back together after cheating.We bring our truth and our spouse brings theirs.That way, he will find out what went wrong.

How To Get Ex Back After 2 Months

#How To Know If Your Ex Wants You Back Surprising Ideas #How To Get Your Ex Back 2 Kdrama

0 notes

marymadonluce · 6 years

Text

Therapy Session

Jane: *Silence spread through the tunnel as I walked down to the room where Mary was waiting for me. The past few days had been challenging on both me and Manny with all the injuries and the double shifts. Manny avoided me like the plague, or tried to at least, but that wasn’t always possible since we spent almost every waking moment working together. Two weeks had passed since I told both Murh and Manny that I didn’t choose either of them. It wasn’t an easy decision, but it was a necessary one. Ever since I got involved in this world it has been chaos. And Murh and Manny didn’t make that any easier. I wanted to find peace amidst this chaos, and I wasn’t gonna find that with Manny angry, and Murh losing his temper, all the time. Finding time for myself left a small window of opportunity, which was usually interrupted by some issue with Murhder.

Murh convinced himself I was his shellan, even though that was never the case. Even after weeks of trying to convince him I wasn’t mated to anyone, he still had trouble letting go of the insane idea that I was his. Nothing I did worked. I finally reached my limit with Murh and now I was bringing Mary in to assist. I was hoping she could get through to him since no one else has been able to. My hand reached out for the door handle and I pushed the door open to find Mary sitting on the chair in the small office. Manny and I didn’t really use the office much. Ehlena used the office most of the time to update patient files from the charts and folders Manny and I give her, which made this the perfect place for this quick meeting before the big deceit*

Hey, Mary. Thanks for agreeing to this. I know you’re also busy, and you know I wouldn’t have asked you to do this if I didn’t think it would help and was needed.

*Taking a seat opposite Mary, I smiled and crossed my legs at the ankles*

Mary: Mary sat at the desk in the tiny office, looking around. Unsurprisingly it was extremely neat almost as if it wasn't used that often. Of course with how busy the medical wing was, it wasn't much of a surprise but Mary had expected there to be loose files or scrap paper laying about, yet nothing. Maybe it was one of the doggen keeping things tidy or the medical staff like Manny or Ehlena made sure the office was always presentable no matter how busy the medical wing was. Regardless, it was obviously a quiet place in the midst of the chaos. Mary Had already heard plenty about Muhrder and how he was seemingly obsessed with Jane and creating plenty of problems for both her and the entire mansion with his behaviour. Mary had done her best to not get involved too deeply, though her being compassionate she hadn’t been able to completely keep her mouth completely shut. Which was probably why she had agreed to help Jane out with him in the shape of counseling sessions. Her train of thought was interrupted when Jane entered the room, looking slightly worried, if mary had to say anything about her. Unusual for the calm and collected doctor, though with the chaos the mansion was in, it was perfectly understandable that even Jane could get shaken, especially with everything going on with Muhrder.

Listening to Jane, Mary nodded and offered a soft smile. “Oh, don’t mention it, Jane. I know how worked up everyone is, so of course. I’m only happy to do my part to make sure things here run as smoothly as they can”, she said and tilted her head a bit. “So tell me about his case, please. I’d like to know what I’m dealing with as best I can”

Jane: *Scenes of the past few months rushed through my mind, flashing in bits and pieces as if my brain was trying to syphon the important parts and sort it into some prioritized order. Murh was as complicated as he was insane, and the two of us together… Well, that was my own fault. I shifted on the chair as I started talking*

Where do I start… *I took a moment to think* Murh needs help and I can’t give it to him. I tried before and it lead to us having a sexual affair. We are both adults and neither of us are mated, therefor I didn’t see any problem with it, until… Well, Murh became very possessive, to the point of madness. He has a history of mental health problems which is what I was busy helping him with. Wrath had asked me to assess his mental health before he was cleared for rotation, and well… the rest is history as they say. The entire family knows what transpired down here in the med wing before Murh was locked up.

I would appreciate it if you could assess him and see if you are able to work with him to get him through this. We need him back as a functioning member of the Brotherhood.

Mary: Mary listened to jane, nodding along as the story went on. Even she had heard of some of the events that had transpired but there was new information mixed into what jane told her. The fact that the two had been in a sexual relationship would definitely complicate the matter, but perhaps not make it impossible, even with Muhr’s mind being all jumbled up.

“So, if I understand you correctly, you’d like for me to help him move on from you and focus his attention on fighting rather than you, and to assess whether or not he is suited to be added into the nightly rotation. Is that accurate?”, Mary asked and looked to Jane with one of her professionalism looks. Mary had her thoughts about how Jane had been having sex with someone that technically was her patient, but in reality she couldn’t really say all that much about it. It could quite literally happen to anyone and with Jane being a single woman among the stunning vampires, it’s not like Mary could really blame her. Truth be told, it wasn’t like they were able to go out and meet men and have relations with them. Wrath’s head would likely explode before his temper, if they ever presented that idea and cause him to say things like ‘Over my fucking dead body!’ She gave Jane a determined nod and offered a smile. It wasn’t her place to judge nor did she intend to do that in any way, shape or form. Instead she was going to glance over it, because it shouldn’t matter with how their lives were set up. “I’ll certainly do what I can to help him, and give an assessment as well. If we can get more out in the field, it’ll be better for the race as a whole”

Jane: *A faint smile lifted one corner of my mouth, and I relaxed back against the chair* Thank you, Mary. I am aware this is a delicate matter and I am grateful for your willingness to help me out.

Now the next part will be the most challenging. I need to get Murh to come in here to sit and speak to you, but he won’t do it if he knows what we are doing. I will have to trick him into thinking I want to talk to him, but I will be here with you and Murh the whole time until you are comfortable being alone with him.

One more thing… I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone about this. Wrath and the Brothers won’t approve of Murh being near me, but I can’t do this without being involved.

Mary: Mary shook her head softly. “Jane please.... There’s no need to thank me at all. I’m only happy to do my part, and truth be told, it’s the only thing I can do”, she said and offered a smile. “Besides, you’ve always helped Rhage when he got injured, so this is my way of paying you back. I’d have been worried sick so many times, if it hadn’t been for your medical expertise, so in terms of peace of mind, this is my repayment”, she said and sat back in her chair. Her head tilted as Jane explained the scheme she had to set up for Muhr. This wasn’t exactly new, and it only made the situation more delicate. Having someone like Muhr around in general was a gamble, but tricking him was outright insane, but often a necessary evil.

“I understand, Jane”, she said and nodded. “Listen, I’ll be looking to have you out as soon as possible though. You’ll be a distraction for him which will stop him from looking internally and progress”, she explained. “I just wanted to be clear about that. And of course, I won’t tell anyone of what we are doing. Honestly, with everything going on, I’d sound like the abandoned woman that had gone mad and wanted attention at any cost”, she remarked with a smile.

That last bit was something she was afraid would happen. Now that Rhage had left her, she had avoided everyone, not wanting to seem like she was craving attention. Sure, she was lonely, but that was no excuse to become pathetic.

Jane: *I took a deep breath and got up. My stomach knotted a little because I had no idea how Murh was going to react to this and the last thing I needed was for him to lose his temper again and become violent. I gave Mary a reassuring smile, or at least I thought that’s what I was doing, but it was her smile that reassured me.

When I reached the door I stopped and took another few breaths before opening it and walking down the tunnels to the training center. Murh was doing rounds with the boxing bag and… okay wow, he did look good…

I shook my head to clear it and walked into the room* Murh! *I shouted loud enough for him to hear me* Could I speak to you for a bit. You may want to change clothes. I’ll wait outside.

Murhder: *My fists cracked under the pressure with each blow to the red bag. My knuckles were wrapped in cloths but that was it. I wanted this to fucking hurt. I needed this to fucking hurt. Each blow took me closer to the edge. Jane was all that was on my mind. She was MINE. How fucking dare she tell me to move on. How fucking dare she do that to me. Throw me one side like a rag doll she’s outgrown. Fuck her. As the next blow struck I hear Jane’s voice and pivoted around to see her standing in the doorway. Fuck. She took my breath away every time I saw her. Her mouth was moving but I wasn’t catching all of it. My ears were zinging. Fuck. Okay something about getting changed and she’s waiting for me. Yeah. Some shit like that. I stepped back and removed the cloth from both hands. My gym bag was lying to the left of me. I grabbed my clothes out and changed without bothering to wash up. I wasn’t wasting time on that shit when all I wanted was to be near Jane. After about 4 minutes I was out in the tunnel where she was waiting*. What’s it? Is everything okay?

Jane: *With a nod, I turned and walked down the tunnel* This way. I’d like to talk where it’s more private *the knot in my stomach twisted and it took a couple of tries when I reached out for the door, to go corporeal. As the door slid open, I stepped aside and let Murh step in first. As soon as he was in, I closed the door behind us and blocked his exit. I had some hope that he wouldn’t try to go through me to get out*

Murh, this is Mary. She’s going to talk to us… you for a bit. Only talk. Please stay and listen to what she has to say. Please…

*It didn’t take a genius to figure out Murh was angry. If he could, he would be spitting fire right now. I gelled myself to the door and watched him carefully. He didn’t move*

Mary: Mary turned her head as both Murhder and Jane entered into the room. She offers a polite and quite professional smile as she can almost feel just how much Jane is on guard with him in the room. She extends her hand towards Murhder and tilts her head. “Hello Murhder. It’s very nice to meet you”, she said in as neutral a tone as possible. She didn’t want to seem judgy or condescending in any way, so it was important to stay as neutral as possible.

Murhder: *Jane fucking tricked me. The bitch is trying to get rid of me. I will fucking kill her! The female in the room spoke up with ease and for a second I felt my shoulders ease down. My fists still clenched and unclenched. I wanted to hit something. FUCK. The blow that followed didn’t surprise me. My fist collided with the wall behind me right next to Jane’s body. My hand ached as I pulled it back. The wall was fucking solid. Jane’s reaction to this is what changed the moment. She flinched and pulled to one side and the look on her face was fear. She feared what I would do next. What I would do to her. I was a fucking monster. The air in the room shifted. I sensed it. The other female tensed up as if she anticipated more violence from me. I swore i wouldn’t be /that/ person again. I wouldn’t go violent on or around a female and that’s exactly what I was doing. My eyes darkened to black as I watched Jane regain her form*. This is on you Jane. This is your fucking fault. You know better than to corner me like this.

Jane: *This was my fault. All of this. I knew that, but it didn’t change anything. I had to fix it and that is what I was trying to do. I was struggling to keep my form solid, but for Mary’s sake I wanted this to seem as normal as it possibly could. I waited a few moments before stepping away from the door. My heart was still beating a trail right out of my chest, but somehow I knew this was it. There would be no more violence from Murh. Something… maybe the look on his face… I don’t know… but something changed a minute ago after he hit that wall. I moved away because I thought he was aiming for me, but he wasn't. It was over, or at least his anger tantrum was over*

I know and I’m sorry. I need you to do this for you. Not for me, but for you. Mary is very capable of seeing you through this. Trust us to help you.

*I didn’t give him a chance to argue. Placing my hand on his arm, I guided him to the chair opposite Mary and I stood next to him*

Mary: Seeing Murhder react with violence was not exactly a surprise to Mary, but it did still make her flinch. She covered her mouth with her hand to stop herself from making a sound, though she was sure the fact she was startled and had flinched was obvious. Muhrder was agitated and he was openly blaming Jane for it, though something did seem to have shifted. Like he was realising that anger wasn’t the solution to getting rid of his frustrations. She nodded as Jane lead Muhrder to the chair, and took a second to center herself and refocus on being calm and collected. “Well then, it’s still very nice to meet you, Murhder. Is your hand okay? I’d very much hate it if you were in pain while we talk to each other”, she said and looked to him. Her natural worry-wart personality was starting to shine through, even if she was a bit on guard. Definitely she needed to have Jane out of the sessions as soon as possible, to be able to really get any sort of breakthrough with Murhder.

Murhder: *Jane stood next to me and I could almost taste her. My cock did a double take of what the fucks. I wanted her now. I would take her on that small fucking desk or against the wall if I had to in front of this female. I couldn’t care less. I wanted Jane under me. Not next to me. The female’s soft voice rung out in the small room. Jane picked the right room for this. Anything bigger and i might have a problem hearing the soft voice over the thundering of the blood in my veins. I shifted my weight around in the chair. The fuking thing was too small for me and my cock was making it impossible to sit still. I turned to Jane*. Jane. I’m doing this for you. Not for me. I don’t want to be here. You want me to be here. Let’s be clear on that.

Jane: *Sighing exhaustedly and rocking back on my feet, I almost lost my balance. After the grueling 72 hour shift and very little to eat I was about to faint. I had to get my sugar levels up if I was gonna make it through this session, but leaving now to go get hot chocolate wasn’t an option. With a soft sigh I lowered myself next to Murh and placed my hand on his arm. He was nervous about this as much as he was angry. He didn’t want to let go and right now I wanted him to know I would be with him every step of the way, but he needed to do this for himself. My green eyes met his dark stare and I spoke soft enough for only him to hear*

Murh, you’ve got this. I won’t drop you in the deep end. I’m here for you, but you have to do this on your own.

*I got up and gave him a kiss on the cheek before turning to Mary* He should be okay now. I will be right outside if you need me for anything. Two doors down.

Mary: Mary let the two have their moment together. She knew, from what Jane had told her, that the connection between was ran very deep with Murhder, and from what Mary could tell, Jane was also deeply attached to him, though obviously in a different way. She stayed quiet as they had their intensive stares and couldn’t help but give off a little smile as Murhder declared he would do this, even if it was more for Jane than himself. He was willing and that was key in the process. Mary offered Jane a smile and a nod. “Thank you, Jane. I’ll be sure to get you if need be. Don’t worry, he’s in good hands”, she said and let Jane walk out the door. She turned to Murhder and offered him yet another one of her professional smiles. “Right, first thing you need to know, Murhder, is that whatever you tell me during these talks stays between you and me. I’m not telling anyone what we talk about”, she said and paused to await his answer. Murhder: *The room shifted when Jane shared a intimate moment with me. It was her way of telling me she will never leave me. No matter what. I already knew that but getting the reassurance from Jane changed everything. Even if she wasn’t my shellan she would still my person. The special person in my life I share everything with. As I watched her walk out the room I felt my heart break. I felt a piece of myself leaving. She was the better part of me. I didn’t want to let go but I had to. It’s what Jane wanted. I turned my focus back to the female and nodded as she spoke* Yeah. It’s between us. I get it.

Mary: Mary nodded at Murhder and looked to him. He seemed content with how things were, but of course, anyone could put up a front and hide their true feelings. Lord knew, mary was an expert at that. No, she needed to dig a bit, to get to Murhder, but that required a whole lot of legwork, that much was obvious. “Good. So, tell me about yourself. Anything at all. And, if you want to ask about me, you’re more than welcome to do that too. After today, you can decide how we do these talks. Maybe while you work out, or outside walking around. It doesn’t have to be in small spaces like this at all”, she said and looked to Murh. It was her experience with therapy sessions that the more control you could offer to the patient, the sooner they relaxed and opened up to you.

Murhder: *Jane’s scent still lingered in the room which didn’t help my cock situation. I shifted some more and wanted to get up and walk around. I stopped myself and listened to the female. Mary…. Yeah that was her name. She was everything Jane wasn’t and that was a good thing. Especially right now. What? We can do this somewhere else? Why didn’t she fucking start with that line*. Yeah. I don’t want to be here in this room. I feel restricted and it’s doing my head in. I need air. *I needed more than air but the female didn’t need to know that*. What’s your deal? Why are you doing this? What’s in it for you?

Mary: Mary nodded and stood up, keeping her movements soft so Murhder always knew what she was doing. There was no reason to get him worked up with sharp and sudden movements after all. “Right, let’s talk a walk then. Do you want to use the hallway, or maybe go all the way outside?”, she asked and looked to Murhder as she opened the door to the small room to let both of them out. She blinked a few times as Murhder fired a line of questions at her, while not surprising that he did ask questions, Mary hadn’t expected those particular ones at all. “In it for me? Well, for starters, this is what I do for the vampire race. I’m a therapist of sorts and a natural helper, you could say. Part of my nature”, she said with a smile. “As for what’s in it for me… A purpose, I’d say. And the satisfaction of knowing I made a difference for someone. That’s about it”, she said and looked to Murhder. “Why do you ask?”

Murhder: *Getting up was a prayer answered. My legs ached as I stretched them out and once we were walking down the tunnels it felt a shit load better. I didn’t answer the females question. I took the lead and steered the picnic down the tunnels and out the back door past the garages. Once outside I could feel myself breathe again. My pants weren’t as tight but that was thanks to not smelling Jane anymore. The walk and talk thing could work somehow. I led the way toward the gardens and took in the view as we descended to the lower level*. I ask because I don’t know why any female would want to be close to me after what happened. I’m surprised Wrath approved this.

Mary: Mary followed Murhder, her feet having to rush to keep up with him at first as he almost stormed out of the tunnels and out into the open air. She didn’t pressure him to talk, since that would be counterproductive, but rather she followed him to see where he would go. She looked to him as he finally started talking, listening to him answering her question with a very rational answer. So he obviously was aware that others perceived him as both unstable and dangerous, though she tried avoiding those words at any cost herself. “Well, from what I can tell with what I’ve seen so far, I’m not in danger with you at all. I don’t think you’d purposely hurt anyone. The past isn’t important right now, it’s how you are now that’s important”, she said and looked to the male. “Let’s not worry about Wrath for the time being. I’d much rather hear about you, Murhder. Tell me about yourself”

Murhder: *The past isn’t important? That’s the reason I was in this mess. But if she wanted to skip that part I wasn’t gonna argue*. No you’re not in danger. I don’t make a habit of attacking females. Jane IS MINE. Or was mine. I walked in on her and that Rat kissing and I fucking lost it. That shit happens to everyone at some point. I know it does. We all have our breaking points. *I had to breathe slow and deep. Slow and deep. Just thinking about that day made the hair on my arms stand up*.

Mary: Mary looked to Murhder as he spoke, nodding her head a bit as she listened to him. She had been right to try and stay out of that whole thing. It was a mess and a half, but there was something she could do here. Murh was heartbroken, it was obvious, so at least they had that in common. They had just reacted very differently to it, and one could always argue which one of them had handled it better. Mary knew exactly what Murhder likely needed. A distraction. Something to help him take his mind off of Jane and move on. Easier said than done, naturally, with how he was seemingly obsessed. It was clear though, that Murhder was considering Jane’s feelings quite heavily and respected her choices, even if he was deeply hurt. “Does it hurt when you think about those things, Murhder?”, she asked knowing how stupid the question was, but she needed to know If Murhder was aware of his own feelings and that they could have a physical effect on him.

Murhder: *What was she talking about?*. Hurt when I think about Jane with that Rat? Yeah it fucking hurts. She didn’t choose him and that makes the hurt so much fucking better but she didn’t choose me either. Look. Let me tell you how this is gonna go. We are gonna take a nice walk through the gardens to kill some time. You can ask your questions if you’d like but at the end of all this nothing is going to change. I’m still gonna be fucked up and Jane is still gonna be the only female in the world who…… *who fucking what…. Rejected me? Broke my heart? Yeah not going there*. Jane is the only female for me. There is no other female out there for me and we are an animalistic race. We have to mate. It’s a driving force in us and when we meet /that/ one. There is no stopping us.

Mary: Mary listened to Murhder, letting him air his frustrations directly in her face. It was good he got some things off of his chest and by all means, if he wanted to unload on her she welcomed it if anything. “Murhder, I know how the vampire race works when it comes to all that stuff. But as animalistic as you are, you can still move on. Feelings can change, if you let them”, she said and offered him another profesional smile. She wanted to reassure him, encourage him to at least give things a try. He had walls up, and she wanted to lower them, but that would take a lot of effort on her part. Effort she was willing to give. “Alright, we’ll take our walks and you’ll talk. I don’t expect you to change who you are, but maybe have you see more of the big picture. Have you zoom out, so to speak”

Murhder: *Zoom out? Of what? A hunter zooms in on his prey. I am a hunter. A warrior. A Member of the Black Dagger Brotherhood. I don’t zoom out. I zoom in*. Whatever. *My reply was short and we kept walking past well trimmed hedges and shrubs that were styled to keep the eye entertained. Flowers ranged from Roses to Hydrangeas. Most of the colored flowers looked nice but I didn’t know their names. Neither did I care what they were called. We walked and talked for another hour but to me it felt like the entire fucking night. This talking biz was working on my nerves but I would do it if it kept Jane happy*. #BondedBrothers

#Therapy #BondedBrothers #TenaciousDocJane #MurhderBDB #BlackDaggerBrotherhood

0 notes