#hope my gut feeling is wrong
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I hang on but I know better
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walking around town in the middle of the night isn’t that bad, but i’ve never seen it this empty before? i’m really scared 🙂✌️
#praying this isn’t my last post#hoping i make it home#my gut feeling is telling me sth is wrong#literally so scared
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in another life (for better or worse) | 3.2k
"Sorry, I know I'm late."
And Daniel stands in the doorway looking, well—
A lot like Buck, but a little fuzzy around the edges.
No birthmark, no tattoos, curls all slicked back, a little shorter and a lot skinnier.
"You're too late, Danny boy," Doug calls out, his slimy grin audible in his words, "I'm favourite uncle to Evan Jr now."
"Keep talking more shit, Doug, see where it gets you." Daniel waves off their mother's scolding clucks and dives for Buck's phone instead. His eyes soften and he looks up at his little brother. Buck's breath leaves him in a rush. "He's beautiful, Ev. I mean, a little pale and blurry but, you know, the camera adds ten pounds of slime, so..."
The burn in his lungs becomes a little more apparent, a little more dire. He clenches his hands into fists, lets the dig of his nails into his palms ground him. Nobody seems to notice him backing up against the wall to hyperventilate, but Daniel's eyes stay trained on him the whole time, even as the conversation carries on without them.
"You okay?" he asks, handing Buck his phone back.
"I-I don't know," Buck wheezes. Daniel squints at him for a moment, something calculating in his eyes gone as fast as it appeared.
"Already worrying about names, huh?" Daniel nods knowingly and nudges him with an elbow. "Got a few suggestions: Daniel, Dan, Danny—"
"Chris."
"What?"
"We're gonna call him Christopher," Buck says with the utmost certainty.
He's not sure who we is or where the name comes from, but he knows without a shadow of a doubt that his son is called Christopher.
Someone told him once, someone important, that they only knew the name when they saw him.
Well, Buck's seen him and he knows.
His son is called Christopher.
(OR: buck dreams of a family fractured by reality and wakes to the family of his dreams)
#sami rambles#this is so so so bad but i have so many due dates coming up i needed it done.#i hope u understand 😔#but please just appreciate my vision#im so right about this i can feel it in my gut (we'll ingore this if im completely wrong thanks)#911 show#911 fox#evan buckley#eddie diaz#buddie#buck x eddie#911 spec#christopher diaz#buck and christopher#buckley diaz family#buckley diaz family fic#buddie fic#buddie fanfic#buck x eddie fanfic#buck x eddie fic#911 fic#911 fanfic#911 spec fic#911 speculation
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da4 doesnt matter to me because as far as im concerned everything is au after da2. sorry everyone
#i still can't believe inq is a real game (derogatory). sorry about it#instead of playing inq i'd rather play gow or gow ragnarok. which i HAVE been doing lmao#i'd rather play bg3 and honestlyyyyy the direction theyre taking da in is sort of. ehhhh to me? and has been since inq sooo#im not really invested. like ill eventually play or watch pts i guess but im still mucking around in dao#i dont think da4 is going to do that for me. i might be wrong but my gut feeling after absolution is just that#wherever theyre taking this is not gonna be super interesting or new or fascinating to me. i feel like they kinda missed that boat w dai#with all their ''gotcha'' plotlines abt oppressive systems and systemic abuse basically blaming ppl for their own oppression#inq would have been better. if they like. didnt even massively change the storyline but just actively have the inq be BAD - maybe even#unapologetically bad. it couldve been an insightful breakdown abt power and authority and things like that but it wasnt#it couldve been abt people but it wasnt. so really in my head im already prepared to be let down in da4 because da has ALREADY#been letting me down lol. and so far the glimpses ive seen does not indicate to me tht theyre going to shift away from what they were doing#in dai. in fact they look like theyre planning to lean into it more. so! idc abt da4 im just gonna play in the sandpit with the blocks that#they gave me from the first few games and content#i do hope solas rips the veil down tho. i think the solas girlies who support him (me) deserve vindication#tbd#bioware critical#dai critical#da:d critical
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I booked an appointment with my doctor for early April!! I highly doubt the bump will go away by then, as it has been there for a couple months. If anything it seems to be getting worse ._.
There's nothing on the surface of my skin where it is, it's not in a spot that would make sense to me for a muscle injury, it's firm, and it's painful. I have no idea what could've caused it. I need to get some sleep before I start panicking over "what if" scenarios... I really hope it's nothing serious :(
#listen. not to alarm anyone. but ive kinda had a gut feeling about what it is. and i very much want to be wrong 👍#also. i have severe anxiety. it is highly likely this is just a cyst or something and im simply having a Moment.#at least i booked an appt 😭#i have had a sinking feeling for like over a year about my health. really hope its not true.#(do not panic. i am mentally ill and so so sleepy rn. just wanted to post in case i need to look back on this later.)#batty blogging#text
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incredibly close to adding an unpleasant wrinkle to my views on asylum seekers
#looking at rows and rows and rows and rows and rows. and rows. of them at our borders#we're barely a speck of a country. they are just bleeding down here. and far be it for me to discount good people fleeing oppression but uh#as opposed to say the US#I can in fact go outside here and get an adequate sample of the type of goodwill they're bringing#the 3% of my empathy that I can spare for them I openly give to those who stood and bled on the streets but that is my limit#I cannot just pretend that pacifist ethical frameworks apply to wartime. pre and post? I'll be the foremost champion#but in the here and now? nah. the empire needs to be dees-troyed :) and I hope it happens before it takes too many foreign roots#is all I'm gonna say. I would LOVE to be wrong about my gut feeling. I know how insipid and subtle nationalist sentiment is#I'll try to keep a level head. but if I start seeing those Z stickers taking over our pedestrian spaces I will mince no words anymore#again; i know what the kind and moral response is. but we are a speck. less than a percent of their population. and we border them DIRECTLY#I don't know how to deal with anything anymore. I guess the confusion is part of the point. I hate war more than anything#and the thing I hate most about it is that you can really only be against it preventatively. once it happens you either participate#or you are eaten alive. i wish all dictatorships a very fucking die#text#negativity
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forever wishing sam fender would unrelease dead boys
#it’s like the moment I get a glimmer of hope for my hometown it reminds me of how awful it is#I feel like I’m screaming underwater at people like there’s something actually insidious about that town#and I’ve BEEN saying it and it keeps getting written off as youthful angst#bc of COURSE you hate your hometown! everyone hates their hometown!#but now I’m going to another funeral for a boy in my year and it’s another suicide and I don’t even know him#i havent seen him since primary school I have no right to be so upset by this#but I’m just trawling his ig bc he looks the same#he looks the exact same and he hung himself. he was twenty#and ofc he’s connected to my family bc everyone is in that fucking town hes like a v distant cousin#so we know the news first like so many of his friends are out having a nice night rn#and I’m here with this knowledge despite not knowing him. like tomorrow someone is going to find out their best mate killed himself#the police are literally still at his house and my mum is telling me she loves me because it’s ALWAYS the boys in my year group#like off the top of my head alone bc i KNOW it’s more ive already lost six boys in my year and I’m 20#how many kids have to die before my hometown stops being such a shithole#sorry for the vent post i dont even know why this has gutted me so much#maybe bc the only memory i have of this boy is between the ages of 5-11 so I literally ONLY know him as a child#like he was so happy I can only remember him smiling and just. what went so wrong after that? he had spiky hair and gap teeth#and now I’ve been told that he hung himself and I just#god. i don’t even know anymore#I’ll never forgive that town#hella goes home
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playing leyla today did nothing but hurt me 🫠
#sequence of events from my play today:#1. the dream guardian appears in the form of leyla's bf. who she hasn't known the fate of since she was yoinked#2. leyla takes this to mean that traven died. she takes her anger out on some goblins.#3. tiefling party time! astarion immediately propositions her. she's sober enough to know what she's agreeing to but tipsy enough to say ye#anything to distract her from realizing she's lost what she thought was her soulmate. or one of them at least#4. they fuck. it's almost good enough to forget traven exists for the night. almost#5. LITERALLY THE NEXT NIGHT the guardian appears again. it's like a twist to the gut. she doesn't know what to believe#the guardian says he's an adventurer like her. that he was infected. leyla has HOPE#but she can't help but feel like there's something wrong. that it's just her mind playing tricks on her.#after all... the others are having similar dreams. certainly this couldn't be traven...#aaaand i closed down immediately after that long rest bc i was emotionally compromised#whoops i accidentally wrote a novel in the tags#forgive me i am Sad#i still intend her to romance gale btw!!#leyla just deals with her emotions. physically. and astarion was down soooo#plus she let him bite her neck so she could be a bit more out of it#leyla needs fantasy therapy tbh#moxie plays bg3
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...
#shit chat#medical cw#meatsuit renno#finally worked up the guts to message the surgeon who did my hysterectomy like#hey i know it's normal to experience pain and stiffness for a while after this surgery like at least a couple months#but uuh. it's been 8 months and i still wake up feeling like shit most days?#pretty sure regular shooting pains where my right ovary used to be aren't normal almost a year after surgery?#like i could be wrong but i feel like i probably shouldn't need 1200mg of painkillers a day to manage constant throbbing abdominal aches#after i've hit the 'maximum recovery window' for this surgery uuh [checks calendar] ...nearly three times?#at least the fatigue has finally started to go away. i feel my vitality returning slowly but steadily#but i'm still not back to my pre-op activity or mobility levels cause OOF OUCH MY ABSOLUTE PELVIS#and i've been noticing an abnormal amount of abdominal bloating that doesn't seem to correlate with indigestion or other factors#and isn't fat from weight gain like i initially thought it was#idk maybe i'm paranoid but i read an article a while ago abt someone who had a 15lb cyst in that nobody noticed for over a year#bc they were AFAB & our pain is chronically underreported and not taken seriously when it is#like did y'all leave some forceps in my gut and now i'm growing a mass around it?? wtf????#idk if i hope it's nothing so i don't have to deal with more medical bullshit or if i hope it's something to legitimize my experience#godddd it would be so satisfying if i got to tell my boss's boss who's been hounding me relentlessly about proformance and Managing Burnout#HEY JACKASS TURNS OUT I'M A VICTIM OF BOTCHED SURGERY AND YOU'RE A DICK FOR NOT GIVING ME ACCOMMODATIONS
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My mind never stops
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the last time am returned from hiatus i literally was over the moon w joy and could not have been more excited abt what was to come…. and now i’m just scared and dreading their return bc we have absolutely no idea what to expect and after everything that Happened TM i have lost my unconditional faith in them. really sucks and i ACHE to be proven wrong
#their first show of tbhc was the night before my hardest final in college and i miraculously didn’t fail#but i probably could’ve avoided my only C in college had i not spent the night before my final crying at grainy vids of them 😔#oh how the time flies#just can’t stop thinking abt everything that happened between then and now#and how far away i feel from the happinness this stupid band used to bring me#ughhh please prove me wrong you monos estupidos. i want them to make me look like a fool for being so negative#but in my gut i just know they won’t. and yet i still hope they do. like an idiot#txt
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the blow when messi inevitably returns to barça and laporta rehabilitates his image after having used him like a dishrag is going to be crushing
#like idfk but messi is kinda dumb so i feel like he'll keep waiting and the comeback will actually happen#i can feel it in my gut but i hope my gut's wrong
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It took until 7pm to remember it’s Dave’s birthday.
#happy birthday you fuuuucking loser#i miss making you laugh from your guts and I wish I could get stoned with you tonight#and I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve had from knowing you and allowing someone like you in#you’re the reason I’m getting better but for the wrong reasons you know?#i wish I could be this person with you but uh#you don’t fucking get to have her you piece of literal garbage#i hope you’re having a good day and you feel okay#because if your life is worse without me I don’t know why you’d leave#file this under: should have gone in the journal#to be real he’s probably just getting drunk and doing drugs lol#and that’s always fun with him unfortunately#i miss him a lot#like I loath him as a human but I miss the good parts#for better or worse he is a chapter in my life and I’m a better person despite the things he’s done#he can fucking choke tho lmao
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to avoid thinking about my cat's surgery I've been painting and I am so fucking bad at mixing colors lmao
#im bad at matching colors too#like usually im painting from some random picture i find online but this time im really trying to focus on what im doing#(to avoid thinking about the surgery)#and i am so so bad at color matching lmao#i even used a color match site so i could see what the color of an area REALLY is but even when i do that my colors are wrong#theyre like...the right tone but theyre all too dark#and lightening them with white makes the tone go off#is this color theory? /gen lol I've heard people say you need to learn color theory but i never knew what it was#anyway. for my next trick i will think obsessively about my wip. (to avoid thinking about the surgery)#okay i cant avoid it any longer. i am so fucking glad his surgery is tomorroe#hes having knee surgery and his knee has started CLICKING while he walks#im so nervous i feel like i could go into cardiac arrest but frankly i wish it had been yesterday or the day before#i wish we had taken him to the vet last thursday. i wish i had trusted my gut sooner instead of letting my mom talk me out of it#i wish i hadn't let him walk around with a torn ligament for over a fucking week#i wish we had the vet do xrays on his knees when he was a kitten so we could have prevented all of this#i wish i had a shorter bedframe so he didn't have to jump so high. i wish i could sleep on the floor so i could sleep with him in his cage#i wish i had desensitized him to car rides and vet visits when he was a kitten#i wish we knew who abused him and threw him onto the highway so i could kill them#i wish we had put him on anxiety medication earlier#i wish i was a trained veterinarian so i could do my own exams on him instead of taking him to a place he's terrified of#i wish i was confident enough to give him the injection he needs without fucking it up#god i fucking hope everything goes okay#pretending to laugh about how he'll have a nakey chicken leg isn't even working anymore#wip save me. save me wip
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a fun thing is my god damn food stamps card isn't here yet and it's been 3 months retroactive since I got approved so I have like 3 months' worth of grocery money somewhere in the mail, inaccessible to me
#i CANNOT SHAKE THIS FEELING THAT SOMETHING IS ABOUT TO END#SOMETHING. SOMEWHERE. IN MY LIFE. WHAT IS IT. WHAT#i know i sound like fucking Cassandra at this point but like HWAT IS IT.#i trust my gut and everything but i cannot for the life of me wrack my brain re: what it is. even disaster scenarios don't seem right#what. is wrong. with me.#maggotposts#edit: I hope what's about to end is this god damn cycle of god damn poverty i have been in for 5 years#you hear me universe#i'll kick your ass
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