#honestly I feel kind of lost | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kimbapisnotsushi · 1 year

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something about kageyama tobio being nineteen on the national team fresh out of high school and facing the whole world makes my heart ache.

it was everything he ever could have wanted. it was everything he ever did want, once. once kageyama tobio wanted to fly beyond the mountains he called home and soar into distant lands. once he wanted to climb to the top of the world until he was so high up that the sun and the moon and the stars were nothing but ants compared to him. once kageyama tobio wanted to do all these things alone — except he wouldn't be, not really, because he had someone who loved him and understood him and that was enough to shoulder a dream that blazed so bright it could burn him from the inside out with a single misstep.

and then kazuyo died and everything came crashing down like a satellite falling out of orbit, and the only thing tobio really wanted then was to heal from a heart full of broken glass.

at nineteen, he joins the national team. at nineteen, he plays at the olympics in brazil. at nineteen, kageyama tobio has everything he ever could have wanted, has everything he ever did want, once, but -

there are pieces of him missing, tobio thinks, a piece inside every single person who had taught him what it meant to love something so deeply it settles in your bones. there is a piece of him inside every single person who gave him a hand up out of the dark and pulled him onto steady ground. there are pieces of him that his new teammates will never know, will never understand, will never be able to put together and get the whole picture of who kageyama tobio is and why he seems so lonely when he is not alone, because kageyama tobio may be older and wiser and will not break so easily the way he did at the fragile age of fifteen, but there is NOTHING that can ease the ache of wanting the people he called home

#i don't know man i kind of get the feeling that kageyama was REALLY lonely that first year after high school #karasuno was his safety net!! it was where he learned to build himself back up piece by piece!! and he spent THREE YEARS DOING THAT!#he spent three years with the same people growing and changing and learning and then all of a sudden he's thrust into this whole new team #this is of course with the presumption that he was the first of the monster gen to make it on #and honestly i think he was #i think everyone else joined AFTER him #because it's the only thing that makes sense to me it's the only way he remains parallel to hinata during brazil arc #it means kageyama has to find his footing all over again!!!#it means just like hinata he has to find out who he is without the things that irrevocably changed him!!!#he's lonely even tho he's not alone and he's trying really really hard but all he wants are the people he loves to be with him!!!#there is no way he would NOT miss the people who gave him everything when he was lost in the dark #kageyama tobio #haikyuu #haikyuu!!#haikyuu meta #hq meta #sou says stuff

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polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup · 6 months

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the higher-ups (and Yaga) immediately trying to leverage Gojo & Ieri's absence to put Yuuta on the roster??? God that's such a stark moment. Thank god Nanami and Gojo saw through that one immediately, because Yuuta wants to justify his own survival so badly he would've fallen straight into it.

That whole scene, with Yuuta immediately jumping on the opportunity to help people even though something is Extremely Wrong with him and he's on the brink of physical collapse--this boy is selfless to the point of self destruction and I am chewing the drywall about it. I love him so much.

If only he was able to summon his newly found homicidal rage in defense of himself, the higher-ups would no longer be a problem. Alas, this boy is Extremely Unwell.

(Sea Glass Gardens is absolutely incredible and i am obsessed with it in a way that is totally and 100% normal. I'm so normal about it, trust me <3 )

The thing about Yuuta is that he really is prime to be taken advantage of right now and the higher ups know it. They had him try to kill himself for them--they know that there's a window of opportunity that they can use to get him under their thumb and avoid The Problem of Gojo, which is, namely, having a human weapon who you cannot fully control. Gojo nailed it from the beginning: they want a magic gatling gun with no personality or free will. They learned their lesson with Gojo and are trying to rob Yuuta of his agency before he learns how to protect himself.

And Yaga's part in that scene really was meant to kind of emphasize how, even with the best intention's, he just doesn't work to protect the kids. Like. everything he said was technically true, and he meant it with the best of intentions. He's the guy who has to think of everyone's needs. he has to manage this crisis. he's got a lot of people hurt badly who just came out of a war, and a lot of people going into fights with some very aggravated curses spawning without sufficient manpower to address the danger and no healer to save them if they cut it a little too close. He didn't have the intention of manipulating or sacrificing Yuuta, but he was aware that it would come to his detriment and risk.

The issue is the higher ups. They don't give a shit about the people in their workforce. They should be the ones doing whatever it takes to solve this crisis and save their people--and if that means giving up on their machinations? They should have already done it. It's their responsibility.

They just don't care. They want Okkotsu Yuuta under their thumb, and their society hemorrhaging is treated like an opportunity, not a dire problem to be solved. They don't care if half a dozen of their own people need to die to do it. Hell, it's better if they do die--they can put it straight on Okkotsu for not being willing to sacrifice himself, when they should have been making whatever promises they had to in order to make this work.

Gojo's done this before, is the thing. He was Yuuta, a long time ago. Nanami was right there watching it happen. They both know what the higher ups do: They let society get to a crisis level and put all the responsibility on you to save it. they let you maneuver yourself into a vulnerable position as a result, and then they use it as leverage to put their goddamn boot on your neck.

The thing is that Gojo adopting megumi all those years ago really did put them into a crisis state. the zenin pitched the mother of all bitch fits trying to secure his unconditional return, and they were a huge percentage of jujutsu society's labor force and resource pools. instead of the higher ups managing the problem at all, they took advantage of the situation and shoved more and more of its weight and responsibility onto gojo, until he was dropping off his own kid at his abusers' compound thinking it was the only compromise that could resolve things. megumi paid the price for gojo not calling bullshit, and right now, with him in a hospital bed? gojo's less willing to repeat mistakes than ever.

he knows that they're going to use the safety and suffering of everyone else as the leverage against him, and he knows that as terrible as it is, he cannot blink first. He's played this game before, and he knows that the only way to get the higher ups to back off on something like this is to dig in your heels.

I think what happened to Megumi all those years ago and how bad it got before they put a stop to it is something that haunts all three of them. When they first started raising him, they were very young, and they were very broken, and they loved him very, very much. He was their little boy, and he was never the same after the Zenin. They were supposed to protect him, and they didn't, and not a single one of them has forgiven themselves for that.

Megumi was sort of sacrificed for the greater good when he was a kid. None of them thought that that was what they were doing when it happened, but that's what happened. His happiness, safety, and wellbeing were sacrificed to pacify the Zenin and make it easier on everyone else.

Megumi and Tsumiki had to become their non-negotiables after. They had to become the things they refused to compromise on. The Zenin would take miles and miles if you gave them a millimeter, let alone an inch.

Gojo didn't think he was compromising them when he left them on their own to deal with Geto's war. They were disgustingly self-sufficient kids. They had been alone for longer stretches of time when they were practically toddlers--they should have been fine on their own for a couple of weeks.

But they were still his kids, and he still left them alone for everyone else's sake, and now his kid is blind and half dead in a hospital bed. It's like being punched in the face by old mistakes.

So they're off the roster completely, all of them. And they're not compromising an inch on what their focus is, and they're not letting anything happen to any of the other kids in their care.

It's terrible that their coworkers are suffering, but it wouldn't be happening if the Zenin hadn't fucked with Gojo Satoru's kid, of all the goddamn people. It wouldn't be happening if the higher ups would actually do their job and start managing shit.

And if they use Yuuta as an anxiety riddled bandaid on the bullet hole in their society? Then they'd be sacrificing him the way they sacrificed Megumi all those years ago. And they have never been less willing to do that.

I'm so so glad you like the story! Thank you for talking with me!

#i think gojo has such a big emphasis on giving kids the tools to protect themselves because no one ever did that for him or geto #geto snapped under the pressure and was lost to gojo forever #Gojo repeatedly focuses on giving the kids the tools to enjoy their childhood without being hurt #like with yuuji--he doesn't want him to sacrifice his youth and happiness with the others #so he focuses on giving him the strength to protect himself when gojo isn't there #in my mind that's also why gojo was always trying to feed yuuji the fingers #like when i first started the series it seemed kind of weird to me because gojo very obviously didn't want yuuji dead #until i realized that yuuji canonically had a good chance at suppressing sukuna even at 20 fingers as long as he had them spaced out #if yuuji had sukunas power level and had gotten it in increments eventually the higher ups couldnt touch him and hed still be under control #honestly none of the adults are doing well right now #a little under a decade ago the issue with the zenin came to a head and megumi ended up being very small and very hurt in a hospital bed #and they promised him that it would never happen again #now he looks very small and very hurt and he's in a hospital bed and the zenin put him there #as much as he's an angry teenager who hates displays affection he really is their little boy and they adore him #nanami was the one who took him from the zenin the final time all those years ago and he personally promised megumi that he would never eve #go back to that place. he feels like a complete failure right now.#gojo always blamed himself for not digging in his heels and refusing the custody compromise and now he's FURIOUS that this happened under #his nose a second time. i think gojos really interesting in the hero role because he's canonically low empathy and struggles with homicidal #impulses and let me tell you he thought about just killing all the zenin back then and he's REALLY thinking about it right now. there's one #fucking way of making sure this never happens again.#shoko generally feels like shit because this is supposed to be the one thing she can do to help and she /can't/ do it right now to help #megumi. also she privately thinks she had the most opportunity to realize how bad it was with the zenin back then and /didn't/.#she was going through a lot of her own issues back then and the zenin had some kind of believable excuses for why megumi was always banged #up. like. he was already getting into fights at school. its not like the zenin had issues procreating. they said he was picking fights #with other kids and that's where he got hurt. they actually blamed maki more than once. and some bruises here and there is expected for a #kid in combat training even at what was meant to be a very preliminary level. he was supposed to be in like. kiddie karate classes and they #didn't realize the zenin were training him like a fucking marine. it was SO obvious in hindsight and that tortures them.#protecting yuuta right now kind of feels like a chance to get it right the first time and all of them need that now that they feel like the #fucked it up with megumi a second time #sea glass gardens

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