Lee Scoresby x Reader-Grief Is The Price That's Paid For Love

It's been a while since I've written a story for Lee but I've been re-watching His Dark Materials (+binging the new season!) and I couldn't resist writing this.

I hope you all enjoy this! 💛

Warnings: Grief

His Dark Materials spoilers below!!

“Lee…” Y/n whispered, her eyes blurring with tears as she raised her hand to his cheek.

He still looked like Lee; even down to his iconic cowboy hat, and his eyes, they still had a flicker of mischief in them. But it was nothing like the spark that once lived there and his skin was cold to the touch and graying, nothing like how it was before.

 Because he was dead.

 He was dead… 

She had hoped she wouldn’t see him here; but in her heart she knew something had happened to him. She couldn’t explain it; but for a while now she had just felt this dull ache in her heart. 

That’s why she followed Lyra and Will to The Land Of The Dead…she hoped that the ache in her heart was just from missing him as they had not seen each other in so long. 

Her dæmon, Y/d/n felt it too; and although it was excruciatingly painful for them to be apart; Y/d/n understood why.

But now, she had her answer. The man she loved, the man she planned to have a future with, to share adventures with, to have a family with and to grow old with, was standing right in front of her, nothing more than a ghost. 

“Oh, sweetheart,” Lee breathed, leaning into her touch, before swooping her up in his arms, holding her closer than ever before. He never thought he’d get this opportunity; the chance to hold his Y/n in his arms again, so he was going to savor every last second he possibly could.

They stayed like that for a while,  knowing that this would be one of the very last times they’d be able to hold each other.

“What are you doing here?” he questioned softly, lifting his head from her shoulder to look at her.

Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot from the silent tears she’d been crying, had he not already been dead, he knew his heart probably would’ve shattered there and then at the sight of his Y/n. 

“I had a feeling something had happened to you…I just…I needed…I need to know,” Y/n answered back, trying desperately (and failing)  to hold back her tears as she held onto him, never wanting to let him go. 

“I’m sorry, my love,” he whispered, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead; his hands cupping either side of her face. 

“Come on, no tears,” he sniffled, trying to hold back his own tears as his thumbs wiped away her fallen ones. 

“How can I not cry?” Y/n asked; allowing the tears to fall from her eyes, “You’re dead, Lee…you’re dead…and I wasn’t there-”

The words that fell from her mouth just made her cry more as realisation and guilt washed over her. 

“If you were there you would’ve died too,” Lee soothed; his fingers softly rubbing either side of her neck. 

“At least we’d be together,” 

“Sweetheart,” Lee began, stopping himself for a moment to blink away the tears that were threatening to fall from his eyes, “I love you and I wish we could stay together but we can’t. I need you to live for me; go on all those adventures we planned to,”

He knew how much pain she was in. 

He felt it. 

He wanted nothing more than to walk out of this world, alive and with the woman he loved, to live the future they’d dreamed of. 

But he couldn’t. 

He knew that all they could do now was say goodbye.

Tagging:

@xacatalepsyx @little-diable @ausblack @mypopculturediva @ekaymnslvs @crazy-fan-girl-c137 @niregul @iamnotusnavi @coolshitbruh @i-love-frogs-but-loki-more

The Golden Boy (All the Things She Said, Part 3.)

Description: After a rather unlucky coincidence, Lord Asriel is left alone on his supposed expedition to meet the king of Lapland. Thanks to Thorold's advances, he's lucky enough to get an assistant sent over from the University of Oxford.

Part Summary: Your arrival at Asriel's observatory didn't quite go as expected with Asriel revealing a crucial detail to you. Yet you as manage to find a system of sorts in living on the snowy plain, the man doesn't plan on making it all easier for you.

Word Counter: 5.7 K

A/N: So, I hope you'll agree with my presentation of Lord Asriel. It's quite hard to make him a personality out of scratch (not scratch precisely, but we do frighteningly little about him) while trying to check out the boxes presented in the show. Also, all his Wiki page says 'is highly intelligent' like... No shit Sherlock? We know that duh. I see him as a person who tends to get possessed by whatever he's working on when left without supervision; he doesn't sleep, doesn't eat and barely drinks. But, in all honesty, even though he's focused on his work and academic achievements, I'd say that he can be very passionate and emotional somewhere deep down under it. As for significant features, I'd say he can be rather defiant and tends to be stubborn, usually making it the habit for things to go precisely as he plans them to. Therefore, to get along with him and have the chance of Asriel complying with their requests, people need to be more stubborn than him, not get charmed by him and don't be worried to have a full-on argument with him if the situation calls for it.

Tagging: @emmyspov

Series master list:  h e r e   | Series playlist:  h e r e

His expression alone was saying it all, no need for words. In short, Asriel didn't have to speak out loud to make you realise you weren't welcomed in the observatory. Well, if you were worried about how you're both going to handle the situation on your hand for the next few months, this certainly didn't fail to make the dynamic interesting for all of you. To be frank, you were almost worried about being bored there, only working on editing scientific papers. This was a twist. The man was now standing in front of you with his palms on his hips while giving you one of the grumpiest furrows you've ever seen on a man. If looks could hurt or kill, you'd be beaten to a pulp by that point.

"What do you mean by 'what am I doing here'? Isn't that obvious?" "Ms Y/L/N, if it was obvious I wouldn't ask such a question." - Asriel spat back right into your face, snickering in disbelief; as if you insulted his intelligence. - "Why, for the love of God, have you travelled here all the way from Brytain? Given the nature of the said travel and the dangers surrounding it, I wouldn't suspect anyone in their right mind to just... Do it." "Lucky me, I haven't undertaken this path on a whim, isn't that right?" "Then my question still stands." - Asriel quite literally hissed under his breath, closing the distance between the two of you by walking closer, catching your shoulders into his palms, shaking you a bit with each word he asked; he was surely thinking that you're in a shock. - "Why... Are... You... Here?"

"Get your hands off me, sir, I'm neither stupid nor deaf. The journey here was lovely, thank you very much for asking. If you're finished with the unnecessary antics, it would be greatly appreciated if you helped me unpack the supplies and helped me with my luggage." - Yes, both Joy and you realized that Lord Asriel has his quirks and can be quite a nuisance on his own... But this was too much for you to handle. Who gave him the right to even touch you in such a way? What was his deal? Trying to smother all of the anger inside of you, you began to take off your coat and all of the layers you'd been strung up in. Asriel, obviously, wasn't ready to either end with the theatrics or make it easy on you. The moment you heard him take in another breath, your vision was already veiled in a crimson veil. "Why..."

"Because Dr Carne sent me here on your personal request!" - The sudden outburst visibly made Asriel straighten up, his stare now becoming more vigilant than before... And his expression was getting more and more confused. - "So I don't know if this is supposed to just be a cruel joke you're performing or if you're being serious, but I'm here because you had requested my assistance with your scientific papers. Lord Asriel, I don't know if you're taking me for a fool or..." "No. Whatever you've just said isn't the truth." - The man muttered under his breath, another of the manic moments taking over his mind, fogging it again. This one was different, though, now there was some sort of a reason behind his confusion and repeating rejection. - "What you don't understand is that you can not be here. You... You can't." "And yet, here we are. Care to explain what this is about? Why are you acting like this, Lord Asriel? You're scaring me."

"Ms Y/L/N, I don't think you'd be able to comprehend the nature of the research I'm conducting. And just reading or knowing the conclusions of such research would put you in a rather unfavourable position." - Now, he took in a long breath in an attempt to calm down, walking to one of the kitchen islands to lean his arse into it. Letting a long breath out, he put his arms over his chest, turning his head to you. "What I'm about to say is meant with the best intention, believe it or not. We live in a society driven by a supposed divine power while men are in charge and do their little silly political schemes to keep the public obedient. You are a woman, Y/N, so you're already facing many obstacles, ones I'd never bump into. The scholastic scene already doesn't take your research too seriously, let's be honest, and for the most part, simply being born a female gives the Magisterium enough reasons to flag your research as prone to be heretical. Many female scholars met such obstacles before you and there will be many that will hit it after you." - Suddenly, the frantic man in front of you was ice-cold and calm, as if he had never acted up in the first place. Asriel remained standing there, watching you with such ferocity that the hair on your back stood up - sending a chill down your back. - "And while I don't doubt your capabilities or intelligence, if there was a day the Magisterium would know that you had something to do with this research... You'd get burned on stakes in the best scenario, tortured for months in the worst."

Sighing, you straightened up as well and returned his stare with matching intensity, pushing your palms deep into the pickets of your warmers. There was a moment when you stared at each other in utter silence, the silence only being disturbed by the howling blizzard outside. The darkness outside the observatory's windows was now white as the snow reflected the dim lighting inside. "I'll call myself lucky that I hadn't been burned to death yet, then." - The shift in Asriel's expression made you chuckle. Instead of scaring you to death, you were now snickering ironically upon hearing what he had on his mind. - "My research of foxes and nightingales sure is bloody heretical, no doubt in my mind. If they'd get to know I helped you study Dust, my ticket to the biggest and scariest torture chamber in London is basically ensured, right? Lord Asriel, truly, do I look like an idiot to you?" - This being a rhetorical question, you didn't give the man any time to come up with a reasonable comeback. He'd just ask where did you find it was Dust he was studying anyway.

"Do you really think that once I'd get my hands on this, I'd then take all the papers to wave them in front of the Cardinal's face to piss him off? Do you really think I'm stupid enough not to keep this research in the utmost secrecy? And do you think I'd risk everything if it wasn't worth it?" - Now, he didn't even want to answer. He simply waited until you get everything off your chest. "I'll be honest with you if you don't mind. Yes, Thorold sent your message to Dr Carne who informed me about this research, but, Master put himself in danger as well just so you have the chance at finishing it. Anyone else in the entire University knows you're here - everyone thinks you're in Lapland. Dr Carne had to pull out big guns for me to even consider risking everything I have, such as my life, academic recognition and credibility... The university provided me with a fully funded expedition. If I go down for this, I want to go out with a bang." - Taking in yet another long breath to calm down and stay reasonable, you decided to start gesticulating as you walked around the place, taking in the scenery of it.

"As you correctly pointed out, I am a female scholar. And as such, I had to be quick on learning the inner intricacies and politics of our academic world and for my entire career, I had to be on my toes. It means, for short, that while I might be a nice and collected, respectful person to all of my colleagues and other academic figures, I need to stay within my boundaries and understand exactly when to step out of them. And after you sent the message I was excited - not only because this expedition means everything to me but because this might have the power to open the public's eyes." - Your stare was stuck on a bookshelf in the far left corner of the room, but you knew that Asriel is paying all the attention he could. "So trust me when I'm telling you I'm very reasonable when it comes to being here. I'm within a sound state of the mind, I'm not here to get in your way, I'm not here as your enemy, I'm here as your ally. And as for you, me, being a female scholar, only proves that I perfectly understand how much I'm put on line just to be here."

"Opposing such an impressive argument would be extremely difficult if only there wasn't one inconvenience, Ms Y/N/L." - Asriel said after a while, making sure your monologue had come to an end. - "Again, I'm not doubting your intelligence nor the ability to withstand oppression from the academic community. I appreciate your concern... But... Due to the risk of this research, I haven't requested anyone's presence or assistance, not anyone's and surely not yours. Therefore I don't understand why Thorold sent you here." At that, your eyes flew back to Asriel as you furrowed at him, not being sure what he was trying to get across. Lord Asriel hasn't asked for help, he didn't ask for company. And yet, there you were, standing inside his observatory. Well, this was explaining his initial reaction to your presence, in the end. It was making perfect sense.

"Well..." - You mumbled, not quite sure what to answer. - "I'm here nonetheless and my guide had already left. I don't care if you like it or not, but I'm quite literally stuck here with you - the expedition had been paid for anyway. I need to stay and conduct the research." "You're stuck here, that's right. How long will you need to finish your studies, realistically?" - The man asked quietly, turning his back to you as he started randomly picking things up; so they wouldn't fall into your possession, presumably. "Could be a month, could be three, could be all four. This isn't anything I'd be able to rush - the longer the observation, the more prominent the habits and behavioural patterns. This leads me to more conclusive and accurate results." "I suppose... Fine. You'll be conducting your study and I'll be taking care of mine. We can both do what we are supposed to without putting you at unnecessary risk." - The man mumbled while hiding his tools in a paper box next to the island itself. For a reason, this made you upset once more.

"I already told you about comprehending all of the risks and by God, I know you're Jordan's Golden boy who gets away with virtually anything and the Master clearly loves you because if he didn't, Magisterium would already be all up in your business... But if we plan on even surviving the next four months, we cannot ignore each other's presence. Surely, if you're writing down the results of research such as this, it's tens upon hundreds of pages of text that need to be revised and edited. Let me help you, Lord Asriel, I mean it. We had done it before, we can do it again." - Not expecting such an outburst, Asriel froze in place and watched with yet another furrow; this one didn't seem to be lingering with anger or fear, this one was amused. He was so amused that he scoffed while packing up some more tools, shaking his head in the process. - "What is it? What's so bloody funny about this situation we have here?" "What did you just call me?" - The man asked, snickering under his breath as if he was trying to hide it away from you. - "The Master's Golden boy who gets away with virtually anything? Wow. Gotta admit that I really dig all of the resentment that you hadn't expressed out loud... Dear. That's amusing, I'll give you that much... I quite like it. But my answer remains no. Upon hearing out your situation, you're welcome to stay here as long as you need to, but - don't touch my stuff, don't clean up anything and don't get in the way of my research. Also don't expect me to have afternoon tea with you so we could giggle and chit-chat. I'm not the one to honour this particular tradition." - And with this overly dramatic statement, Asriel picked up the paper box and disappeared back into the upper floor, leaving you confused and alone.

"Does any of that makes sense to you?" - It was after you put all of the supplies at their place when Joy asked you this. At that moment, you were sitting in a boiling hot bath. It wasn't anything luxurious but it was enough to keep you warm; in fact, the bathroom itself was pretty scary. "No matter from which direction I approach it, this doesn't make any sense." - Your voice was revealing all of the acrimony and bewilderment you'd been feeling on the inside. If Joy couldn't feel your emotions, this would definitely give her a hint... Or two. - "While I believe that Asriel hadn't asked for an assistant, I struggle to understand why Thororld asked the Master to send us here. Did Thorold even ask Master to send us here, or are we supposed to serve as a repercussion for doing all of these bullocks behind the University's back, some sort of control over Asriel's descent into insanity?" "That is pretty probable, the insanity part I mean. I told you this is tiptoeing on the very line, Y/N, remember? On the other hand, Lord Asriel might not be the teacher's pet we always suspected him to be, don't you think?" "Doesn't change bloody anything on Asriel being the Golden boy. The Master of the University learns that he's studying bloody Dust, which crossed the line of scholastic sanctum by miles just between you and me, and Carne simply... Instead of reporting it to authorities, as he should, he sends an assistant." "And... If I remember correctly, I told you so." - The daemon butted in, making you laugh from the bottom of your belly. The laugher, after a few long days, was rich and lively - which just uncovered the despair you've been truly in. Joy realized you were rather close to an overall mental breakdown. - "Now that we're here, I don't think it will be as bad. The location is nice and we can have coffee, also we'll be seeing the bloody bear king and the most beautiful auroras on the northern side of the globe. What's more than that, Y/N?" "You're just saying this because I couldn't wait to see all these things, Joy." - You dismissed with a sigh and in response, the animal slipped its head into your palm hanging out of the wooden bathtub. "At least we're still together." "Truly can't imagine you wouldn't be by my side now, Joy. I'd be so hopelessly alone." "You'd go insane here, no doubt in my mind. Our plan is just as you stated in front of Samuel; this guy is a nuisance but we've done this once and we'll do it again. Give the man a few days to accept the fact that we're staying here and then, we can try giving him the wine we got for him." - The coyote stated before laying down, closing its eyes and putting its head on top of its tail. Once more you had to admit that Joy was right.

While Asriel was sort of giving you the silent treatment, you managed to capture one of the bedrooms and mark it as yours; your luggage laid open all over the floor as you unpacked all of your belongings - ranging from expansive cold-resistant clothes, books, ink pens and journals all the way to your private collection of animal behavioural patterns that had been observed in the last fifty years. You've handpicked all of them just before your departure to match the species living in Svalbard. It was usually early in the morning when you put on a turtleneck with warmers and snow boots, walking out of the door with a cup of coffee in your palm. The mornings in the place of such high altitude were strange, to say the least; as the sun shone down on you, you almost couldn't feel the cold getting to you - so you usually walked a bit higher to look over the frozen valley below you while Joy was busy rolling around in the snow, discovering it with childish excitement.

Back in Brytain, it never really snowed; sure, the time around New Years' celebrations was notorious for being cold and the streets for being peal white, but that snow barely reached your ankles. Here, Joy could jump right in and roll around as if she was mimicking a dog - the snow was true that high, reaching your waist. The noons and afternoons you've usually spent preparing lunch (the only indication of Asriel actually eating was usually half of the meal missing when you came back) and by strolls around the observatory; when you were lucky enough, you could catch a glimpse of snow foxed living in an alcove an hour away from the building. The longer you've been watching the pair, the clearer it became that one of the foxes was expecting pups - the male tended to hunt for the female and just when the light started to fade out, they both hid into their hole and you couldn't catch a glimpse of them again.

Once you've made it back to the observatory, the air was numbingly cold by then, you prepared supper (leaving one plate for Asriel) and hid in your room where you set fire to the fireplace before sitting in a huge plushy chair to write down your observations. To be frank, on days when the weather got ridiculously bad you tended to stay in your room and sketch the animals; you wouldn't describe yourself as the best painter, but you've managed to perfect the craft throughout the years of practising it. On those days, you couldn't see anything past three feet from the window, that's how thick the storms got.

On lucky days, you managed to catch a glimpse of Lord Asriel working - sometimes, he'd simply vanish for days on end (you could hear the door's lock fall into the place as he left the observatory, coming back the following day or late in the night. Yet on said lucky days, the observatory wasn't feeling that isolating. It wasn't feeling like the last place on earth; you sat down in the resting place located behind the stairs, reading through your notes and comparing them to the journal entries while the man worked upstairs. You could hear the sounds of metal clinking in the silent building, glass objects being moved around, and oftentimes you'd hear the sound of mortar being used or scratching of a highlighter writing on a glass surface. Sure, he wasn't acknowledging your presence in the slightest, but it was these small moments which reminded you about someone else's presence.

On the eight days of your stay, the silence was becoming too loud. Your sources of excitement were rather limited and while Joy was proving herself to be an excellent company to you, you could feel you were being pushed to your limits. You haven't spoken to a soul in a week and Samuel was scheduled to come in 28 days from that point. Once again, you've found yourself sitting in the resting area with the fireplace cracking in the background. As you sighed upon finishing yet another entry about arctic foxes, Joy looked up at you; she was laying next to the footstool, resting her eyes. - "I think it's time." - You said simply, picking yourself up to walk into your room. The way there inevitably lead you around Asriel, who was once more fully immersed in his work. He was scribing something down, mumbling like a madman - depending if he was talking to Stelmaria or not. When you stopped at his laboratory counter, the man didn't even notice you watching him. By the looks of it, he was trying to solve an equation of some kind but the equation wasn't making it easy on him. If it was the same problem we tackling yesterday, he was about to go to bed late or don't go at all. Asriel seemed to be obsessed with it.

"Have you at least stopped yourself to have some supper?" - You asked, holding the bottle of Tokay between your fingers. The first time you spoke out, Asriel either didn't hear you or simply ignored you; so you tried it again, louder than before. It was at that moment the man stopped to raise his eyes at you. Since you've seen him seven days ago, he started to look dishevelled; his beard was a mess and his hair was all over the place. His blue eyes were bloodshot, the intense stare you've grown to somehow appreciate now feeling beyond horrifying. As opposed to what you've been used to, his clothes weren't properly adjusted. Asriel was completely out of it, obsessed with whatever discovery was haunting his mind. - "Are you feeling alright?"

"If I recall our last conversation correctly, I specifically told you not to stick your little nose into matters that do not include you, Ms Y/L/N. Which words in this sentence are so hard to comprehend for you?" - Asriel growled back as if you were but a nuisance ruining his beautiful evening. - "I think he lost his mind." - Joy whispered inside your head. "If I remember correctly, I rebutted your question by explaining to you how important it is to cooperate to make it out okay. What about the part where you start looking like an empty vessel of yourself walking around the observatory? When did you sleep properly for the last time? When did you have an actual dinner? You've always been such a good-looking man who made sure he is presenting himself in the best way, because you realized that your looks are your best weapon. You're looking like an asylum escapee, Lord Asriel. And not the good kind." - You spat back as an answer, putting the bottle of wine with force, creating a loud bang. - "I know you're busy pretending you're a mad scholar, but please, take a moment off and have a glass of wine with me. I've brought you Tokay, your favourite."

"I'm this close to..." "Without discussions, Lord Asriel. I'm pretty sure the great, breathtaking breakthrough can wait a few hours. Now, you need to take a shower, tame that hair of yours and meet me in half an hour downstairs by the fireplace. I'll reheat the supper for you." "I'm afraid I'll have to pass on your offer because..." "Dear Almighty, do you have to be this bloody defiant? I just need to talk to someone. Believe it or not, my brain still realizes that talking to my daemon is still passing as talking to myself. I'm not about to go insane in this snowy wasteland. Although by looking at you, I'd suspect you had already passed this point. Half an hour. This is not a plea or a discussion topic, this is an order." "Y/N..." "Don't make me lock all of your research tools up. Did I make myself clear? You need a damn break, Asriel, come on."

Whichever two dots have just connected inside his brain, Asriel fell silent for a moment, straightened up and took in a deep breath while leaning his palms into the counter. You've finally seemed to break him, thankfully - this conversation wasn't too from being a full-on argument in the next few seconds. Then, he nodded in defeat, taking off his leather apron. "I suppose you're right. One evening off shouldn't slow my progress much. As requested, I'll join you in the resting area soon. As for the supper... I'd like it if you'd heat it up for me, thank you. And the wine is also truly appreciated." "You're welcome, Lord Asriel, it's my pleasure. Meet you downstairs then."

As you walked into the small kitchen area, it was also looking kind of spooky, Joy was sitting beside you with a shit-eating grin on her face. - "What is it?" - You asked, being busy heating up the canned tomato soup. To be frank, you had tons of canned tomato soup in the infirmary. Tomatoes will be something you'll hate until the rest of your days once this is all done, you were sure of it. "That was some attitude you showed there, almost didn't recognise you amidst all of that fuming and such." "To be frank, I didn't think it would be in my power to talk Asriel down." - You hummed back at the coyote, mixing the red thick fluid with a stoic expression. - "Back then, when we assisted him for the first time, I wouldn't suspect he's this stubborn. True, we had to obey him since he was our superior... Maybe it's because we hadn't talked much during that time. I only saw Asriel as that brilliant, bright, dashing man he undeniably is, but since he didn't let me see what was under the exterior, I didn't expect... Whatever the hell this is." "You're certainly the last person I'd suspect to be directive." "Excuse you? Should I start being directive, huh?" - You mumbled as a smile broke out on both of your faces.

A little bit later, you found yourself sitting in the resting area - the wine poured into whiskey glasses (funnily enough) and Asriel's supper was served in a heat-retaining container, the fire started and you were laying on the sofa, wrapped in a warm blanket. There was yet another blizzard starting beyond the walls, only letting you know thanks to the distant howling of the wind. As Asriel made the first step down the spiral staircase, your eyes naturally flew his way to acknowledge his presence. Now there was the man you were used to seeing, stealing all of your attention away.

Now, Asriel was wearing a plain shirt which was tugged into yet another pair of comfortable but formal pants, completing the outfit with a black sleeveless vest. If anyone would tell you that a person can undergo a total changeover in the spawn of thirty minutes, you wouldn't trust shit; yet there he was, an entirely different person standing in front of you. The beard was suddenly trimmed perfectly, his eyes seemed less tired and while his hair was still overgrown, it was styled masterfully. Seemingly, Asriel truly took your advice to the heart.

"I'll be the first to admit that the shower was almost divine, I feel like a brand new man." - Asriel said as he sat down in the armchair next to you, letting out a long breath as he let his body take a relaxed position. Just thirty minutes after abandoning his research for the night, he seemingly felt much better; that was what you assumed. Yet you just hoped he won't be as snappy as before. - "This is a consistent issue with me. I tend to let myself go too far and stop thinking about my physical needs, taking myself for a machine that I surely am not." "Now I'm sort of intrigued... When did you shower for the last time?" - First, he hung his head a bit lower before giving you a warm, amused smile. As if he hadn't heard a funnier thing in weeks, months even - well, he was here on his own for weeks, in the end; presumably, Asriel wasn't the type to go out and search for any kind of company during his scientific craze. "Any true explorer knows that you shouldn't wash too often during such an expedition due to the dangers of frostbites, you see?" "I think now you're feeding me bollocks, Lord Belaqua." - You mumbled back, having his gaze wander towards you, watching you as you bent forward for your glass of wine. He repeated similarly, carefully setting the container on his knees. - "Surely, what you've said is a fact, we won't be discussing that... But in your case, I'd judge it's because of different variables, isn't it? How long?"

"I'd been rather busy with my work, make your deductions out of that piece of information." "Obsessed is the right word to use here. Which, I don't necessarily think is a wrong thing, but it's taken its toll on you... And Stelmaria." "If that's the price I have to make to bring revelations and progress to this world..." - The man mumbled quietly as if this was a topic which was rather sensitive for him; you had to sharpen your ears to hear he had spoken. - "Then this sacrifice must be made. No way around it and no compromises. Lacking personal hygiene is the tiniest obstacle I can imagine if it's for the good of all humankind." - Asriel ended in a joking manner, snapping out of whatever state he found himself in. True, you needed to admit, one shower less or more wasn't the worst sacrifice imaginable; naturally, you chuckled at his thought too. - "Now that we debated about what's of interest to you, let me bring up a topic of conversation. Did you mean what you said?" - Asriel asked, leaving you flustered for a bit.

"Which part of what I've said are we talking about? I've called you quite a few names since I arrived, I'm talkative like that. Really, you can pick - Golden boy, Mad scientist..." "The part where you called me good-looking?" - Asriel rebutted, jumping straight to the point. Oh, you thought to yourself feeling your cheeks heat up as you stared at him in silence, oh. That's what he took out of the conversation, then? Not you being stubborn about taking a break, not him descending into insanity; he seemingly focused on being handsome. "No offence, but one would assume that's a commonly known thing." - This thread needed to be approached rather carefully and both you and Joy realized that; the animal shifted on its feet as a wave of heat hit both of your bodies. Why carefully? Well, you didn't want to spill all of the beans to him; sure, you found Asriel unnervingly handsome... But did he have to know? - "If I was asked by anyone at the college about who I think can use their looks as their deadliest weapon, you'd be at the top of the list. Mr Johnson following suit, Mrs Coulter being right there with the both of you."

At first, Asriel wanted to seemingly jab back at you but dropping Mrs Coulter's name oh so casually made his expression stoic and hardened. After eating a spoonful of tomato soup, the man rose his gaze to look at you. - "You'd put Marisa up there to your top three, yeah?" "Definitely. She's brilliant and very attractive... Surely has bigger experience in seducing people to manipulate them than I do. Not that I'd necessarily deem it as a negative thing; we're both female scholars and need to do what we need to do to cling to our careers. It's a handy attribute if anything." "That sounds about right, almost as if nothing changed." - Asriel muttered, being lost in reminiscing as he stopped himself for a moment. - "Let's change the topic, Ms..." "She was asking Dr Carne about your research, Lord Asriel." - It flew out of your mouth before you could stop yourself; why he'd need to hear this sort of information was beyond you, but it somehow seemed super important. - "Just before Master asked me to assist you, she was striving for the position herself, determined to get it." - Upon hearing said information, his eyes snapped in your direction. - "I'm positive she must've heard what happened to Thorold, with his broken bones and such... Arrived at Jordan college two days later to ask about the position."

"And Carne hasn't detailed anything to her? My location or the nature of..." "When I said we're here to assist, I meant it; utmost secrecy and scholastic sanctum, remember? Master is fond of you, Lord Asriel, he wouldn't betray you... Even though realizing where you truly are and what you're up to shocked him a bit." "And he sent you instead of her?" "Is Mrs Coulter sitting in front of you?" - The sassy rhetorical argument made Asriel chuckle as he finally got back to eating his soup, sipping on his glass of wine while slipping to a different conversation topic entirely. - "Suddenly, your arrival doesn't seem so bad given the context behind it."

As it usually is, there are paragraphs of text to be said about the bad events and so little to say about the good ones; the evening conversation wasn't by no means too long, but it was swift, lively and nicely paced. Against your expectations and fears, you caught yourself chuckling quite a lot - now, when Asiel wasn't in a working mood and wasn't ready to throw tantrum over your presence in his observatory, it could appear that you seemingly get along. After talking for an hour, yes an entire hour of which none was filled by voids of comfortable silence, Asriel suddenly picked himself up and clapped his hands soundlessly.

"It's time we go to sleep now, the blizzard is intensifying and you surely must be tired. Let me take care of the dishes and go." - This time, the order was accompanied by a soft smile and a warm gaze in his eyes (you had a theory that he always warmed up and opened up after drinking Tokay) so that time, you didn't even protest. As you walked up the stairs yawning your jaw out, the exclamation of your name stopped you in your tracks. - "I forgot to mention that I'd be travelling to my other sighting spot located nearly at the geographical pole - in case you'd be willing to spare some of your time to clean up the working station, I'd be truly grateful to you. Why I'm saying that I'll be gone is in case you'd worry since the way is rough and it will take me a few days to complete... But I'll be back." - The man added almost gently, making you smile warmly back at him while nodding. - "I promise." "Good night, Lord Asriel." "Sleep well, Ms Y/L/N."

Imagine being in a fandom where you cry at the thought of a park bench

Ok, so I decided to finally catch up with the His Dark Materials series and I'm near the end of s2 and some stuff is just kinda icky...or maybe that's just me.

It's been ages since I read the books and I don't remember how it was there but: were the books making as big a deal of the difference between children and adults in regard to "sin"? Like the show makes it out like in Lyra's world as soon as a child hits puberty the adults just go "you're a sinner now". Also how /do/ they actually differentiate between child and adult? Puberty's a whole process, takes years. Hell, your brain isn't out of puberty until you're like in your 20s.

Also all the misogyny in Lyra's world is just pissing me off but I hope that's intentional xD

(Edit: Oh but I do love Ruth Wilson, she's fab)

Young Masriel AU > Based on the fic In winter, in Oxford by @three-atoms Lord Asriel Belacqua is recovering from an injury he sustained on an expedition and is stuck in Brytain, his life grinding to a frustrating halt. Mrs Marisa Coulter is married to the man likely to become the next prime minister and her life is going swimmingly, everything in its perfect place. The golden monkey dæmon has a mind of his own and does things he’s not supposed to.

They meet in Oxford on a winter’s night and a winter’s day, and everything changes, for better or worse.

Sharing for lols

Renaissance Painting

go off king

…I was determined to squeeze this one to close the year… I’m currently super obsessed with His Dark Materials so I drew Lewis and his ‘daemon’—Roscoe ❄️

and this is a veeeerry rare occassion where I didn’t gray-scale and colour right away 👉🏻👈🏻 please share this if you like it!

Marisa Coulter x Fem!Reader: (Nothing left but) You and only you

Summary: "You're the only one who gets to call me that, you know."

A/N: It's been a bit since I've written for Marisa or watched hdm so apologies if I'm a bit rusty! But I had fun with this so I hope you like it!! Prompt found here!

Tag List: @ghostsunderstoodmysoul @multifandomfix

Warning(s): None

Marisa Coulter fell in love with Asriel Belaqua for his words. He’d open his mouth and it was like floodgates had broken, every sentence spit out in haste so he could speak the next, each word dripping with knowledge. She fell in love with seeing his mind work on paper, the notes scratched out in haste as if time was slipping through his fingers. The flood of his understanding would drown the world and even her at times. It was a flood she’d willingly been overtaken by. 

But you… she fell in love with you for your silence. 

Your brother could ramble out an entire lecture in minutes, but you would sit, tracing a finger around the rim of your glass. In one movement you could say a thousand words. Words were not frivolous to you, not something scribbled down, but something aged. Marisa could see the world examined and pulled apart behind your eyes. When you spoke, the manifestations of your mind ran down her spine like a cool stream. 

When her and Asriel began their affair, she’d worried not for the Magisterium or her husband to catch them, but for you to. 

Asriel had run a hand over her face, coming to hold her by the shoulders as he sought out her eyes. He’d forced her eyes up to look at him on a level of equal standing. His mouth moved, the words so fast that she could barely catch them all, “I swear to you, Marisa, they’ll never know. If your husband can miss it all… they know nothing, they won’t.” 

One glance of your eyes between them undid all of his words. 

You knew. Of course you did. And when you looked in her eyes, she could see the accusations behind them. You had turned away from her that day and left on a mission for the Magisterium. 

But when Lyra was born, you were there, and Asriel wasn’t. 

She clutched your hand and cried, holding it to her chest. Lyra wailed in the next room. You sat at Marisa’s side, combing a hand through the sweat soaked hair along her forehead. You had been the last one she expected. Asriel was only a city away but you… distance hadn’t meant a thing when she needed you. 

And your voice soothed over her body as you pressed your lips to her forehead and whispered, “Well done, darling.” 

Marisa smiled, “You’re the only one who gets to call me that, you know.” 

And you did know. You’ve always known. Asriel loved her and she loved him, but his love wasn’t the kind laced with sweet names. A man of a million words and none of them for her. 

You pressed another kiss to her forehead then. Asriel appeared moments later to whisk Lyra away to Oxford and Marisa said nothing for once, squeezing your hand so hard you worried it’d break. Asriel never returned. 

Life moved on and she built herself back up slowly. And you were there for it all—good and bad—to be her eyes and ears, whispering your findings in her ear, but her favorite was never the secrets you relayed—it was the honeyed darlings, always delivered with intention. With love. Of your few words, that one was reserved only for Marisa Coulter.

I was bored so I took the Dæmon test for the Archives Gang

Martin: Kvasir

Your daemon would take the form of a St. Bernard! You are a tireless and devoted individual who is deeply committed to helping others. More so than others with dog daemons, those with St. Bernards tend to neglect themselves to put others first. They have a strong spirit and big heart for friends and strangers alike.

When deciding on your daemon's appearance, consider the pattern of your daemon's coat. A darker-colored St. Bernard may indicate someone more reserved and private, while a lighter-colored St. Bernard may indicate someone more helpful and emotional.

Jon: Kleio

Your daemon would take the form of a Siamese! You are a coy and dignified individual who has high expectations for yourself and others. More so than others with cat daemons, those with Siamese tend to be patient and thorough. They are confident in themselves and know how to make any situation work for them.

When deciding on your daemon's appearance, consider the pattern of your daemon's coat. Lighter points may indicate someone who is innocent and vain, while darker points may indicate someone who is observant and calculating.

Tim: Arlecchina (Arle)

Your daemon would take the form of a domestic goat! You are a competitive and adventurous individual who likes sticking your nose into everything. More so than others with caprine daemons, those with goats are gregarious but individualistic, sassy showoffs who like being at the top of the heap. They are typical braggarts, not the most dependable unless it clearly benefits them.

When deciding on your daemon's appearance, consider your domestic goat's coloring and horns. A goat daemon with long horns may be indicative of someone with more confidence, while a goat daemon with small horns may be someone more cocky and fresh. Similarly, a white goat may indicate someone attention-seeking and egocentric, a brown goat someone willful and not easily miffed, and a black goat someone clever and self-serving.

Sasha: Elioenai/Zephaniah

Your daemon would take the form of a badger! You are a hardworking and confident individual who readily stands up for themselves. More so than others with weasel daemons, those with badgers are competitive and crave success, and they dutifully plan ahead to achieve it. They are private but typically peaceable people, always putting their ambition and sense of organization first.

When deciding on your daemon's appearance, consider your badger's species. A European badger daemon may indicate someone more easygoing and friendly, an American badger daemon someone more stubborn and perfectionistic, and a honey badger daemon someone more assertive and driven.

Basira: Ninurta

Your daemon would take the form of an oryx! You are a resourceful and enduring individual who is possessive over their people and things. More so than others with antelope daemons, those with oryx may be mistaken as low energy; they're patient people and efficient workers, private until the final product is complete. When push comes to shove, they're willing to stand their ground and are loathe to show vulnerability even to their loved ones.

Daisy: Wāðsige (Wassa)

Your daemon would take the form of a gyrfalcon! You are a calm and confident individual who has enjoys the feeling of completion and success. More so than others with raptor daemons, those with gyrfalcons are rational and direct people, not necessarily unfriendly but adventurous and don't get attached readily. They are opportunists who are unfazed by circumstances and enjoy have a little bit of unpredictability in their lives.

When deciding on your daemon's appearance, consider your gyrfalcon's plumage. A darker-colored plumage is typically indicative of a more subtle and private individual, while a lighter-colored plumage is indicative of an open-hearted and innocent person.

Melanie: Bellerophon

Your daemon would take the form of a stoat! You are an independent and strong-willed individual with no lack of confidence. More so than others with weasel daemons, those with stoats have a nervous and energetic energy, and are forceful people who would rather ram right into conflict than avoid it. They aren't the hardest of workers, but they're exceptionally stubborn and have an impulsive streak.

When deciding on your daemon's appearance, consider your stoat's coloring. Typically the more patterns a daemon's coat has, the more intense the individual. A brown stoat daemon may indicate someone more even-tempered, while a white stoat daemon indicates someone more innocent.

His Dark Materials AU

Arctic Explorer!Billy Russo x Arctic Explorer!Fem!Reader

drabble under the cut

“Don’t.” You cry out, stumbling slightly on the carpet as you leap towards Billy. His eyes widen in surprise as you knock the glass from his hand. He grasps hold of your forearm, squeezing it painfully and his dæmon lunges towards yours. He towers over you, looking at your wide eyes, then at the closet you had jumped out from.

“You were spying on me.” He hisses, his eyes dark and filled with suspicion.

“I wasn’t.” You protest instantly, trying to wriggle out of his grip with little success. His panther dæmon, Clementine, has your own dæmon pinned under her claws. As Billy raises a brow at you, your defiant expression falters and you sigh. “Okay I was.”

His stare is hard and unreadable as he looks at your face. You continue to tug against his hold, and your rabbit dæmon, Angus, twitches under Clementine’s paws.

“Russo,” you whine slightly, frown deepening as his grip on you remains tight. “You’re hurting me.”

“Good.”

You huff in response to his dismissive tone.

“Some thanks for saving your life.” His own frown deepens in confusion. He doesn’t loosen his hold on you, even as he asks,

“What are you talking about?”

“I saw the Master tip powder into the decanter of your Tokay.”

He shares a look with his dæmon, before glancing at the decanter of amber liquid, then at the glass you had knocked out of his hand when you had lept from the closet.

He releases his hold on you, and you slump into the chair behind you. Billy sits back in the chair he had been occupying before you had interrupted his moment of peace. Clementine removes her paws from Angus, and he hops up into your lap. You press your fingers into his soft fur, taking an unsteady breath as you process the last few minutes.

Angus grumbles about the audacity of dæmon’s these days, and a small smile flickers at your lips in response to your dæmon’s complaints. You know he’s more offended that he couldn’t fight Clementine off. Despite his appearance as a rabbit, your dæmon had always had more courage than you did.

Clementine pads over to Billy’s side, settling by his feet to watch you warily. He pats her on his head briefly, though that does little to ease the suspicion in her eyes.

“How did you get in here?” Billy asks you.

“Why does the Master want you dead?”

“I asked first.” You sigh. Talking with Billy was always a struggle.

The two of you were rival researchers, always pitted against one another, vying for more funding for your respective expeditions. You had heard Billy was holding a talk in the Retiring Room of Jordan College - and you weren’t invited. So, you had planned to hide in one of the old closets at the back of the room during his talk.

“I grew up in the college, raised by majority of the scholars here. I know this place inside and out.”

“That doesn’t explain how you got here.” You shrug lightly, looking down at the carpet.

“Came in through the window.”

Amusement twinkles in his eyes, as he looks between you and your dæmon still cuddled up in your lap.

“Through the window?” He muses, a small smirk tugging at his lips as he imagines your little rabbit dæmon attempting to keep up with you as you clamber over the slanted roofs of the college. Noticing his gaze on your dæmon, you straighten yourself before jutting your chin in his direction.

“Yes. Now, why was the Master trying to kill you?”

The amusement fades from Billy’s eyes, and he leans forward to rest his elbows against his knees. Clementine looks up at him, her head tilted as she says in a low voice,

“Tell her William.”

Billy sighs in response to his dæmon’s words, running a hand over the stubble adorning his chin to stop himself from observing the frown on your face.

“I’ve found proof.”

“Of what?”

“Other worlds, parallel universes, everything we’ve been searching for.” You hardly notice that you’re holding your breath, then he says the most important word. He whispers it, entrusting the knowledge to you, and you only. “Dust. It’s real.”

»»---------------------►

Billy Russo Tag List: @blackbirddaredevil23 @restingbitchsblog @tiredbeebo @rafaelakelley @theysayitscrazy @hummelmi @nyx2021 @skybridgerton @dragon-of-winterfell @profoundme444 @misstimeless @booksandbenbarnes @blanchedelioncourt @chickensarentcheap @katedrexel

caitlin snicket's 🌸⋅ forever masterlist ⤜⤜⤜

“my words are unerring tools of destruction, and I’ve come unequipped with the ability to disarm them”

i found that the old way i did my masterlist (making a post and putting links on it) was unpractical and complicated in the long run (there's a limit if links you can put in one post), so i found it easier to put everything in a google doc.

my previously written fanfiction is under the fandom name, and then under the character/characters. beside of the name of the fic is a tag saying what it is (headcanon, one-shot or series) and how it is (sfw, nsfw, kinda nsfw). on the very top of the doc is the date of the last time i've updated it, for better navigation.

click here to have access to the masterlist!

do not repost, copy or translate any of my works!

Luscinia megarhynchos (All the Things She Said, Part 1.)

Description: After a rather unlucky coincidence, Lord Asriel is left alone on his supposed expedition to meet the king of Lapland. Thanks to Thorold's advances, he's lucky enough to get an assistant sent over from the University of Oxford.

Part Summary: Being a female scholar, your resources are very limited and there is no credit to be given to you. So when an amazing academic opportunity comes your way, you won't hesitate to accept.

Word Counter: 5.9 K

A/N: I have a few things to say. Be aware that I haven't read The Northern Lights trilogy by Phillip Pullman, so my understanding of Lyra's world might be either limited or wrong on occasions. I'm trying my best to go through all of the information sources I'm able to find on the internet. I've finished The Golden Compass (New Line Cinema, 2007) and His Dark Matters (HBO, 2019 - 2022; I presume) so while my understanding of the setting might not be perfect,it isn't the worst I'd say. The story is set sometime around Asriel's expedition to 'Lapland' so it shouldn't interfere with any other cannon moments of the story since I hate altering the cannon to my liking all that much. And since both the movie and show start by Asriel coming back from the first expedition, I don't think there's a lot of other backstory in the books and the past events are giving us through the characters? (For example: Iorek Byrnison explains to Lyra and the reader/watcher by proxy the situation of the armored bears but there's not an explicit flashback, only exposition for how things went down?) So I think that events of the past are keeping vague for a reason and the author lets us fill out the blanks using our own imagination except the times he specifically lays out events that we need to take a notice of.

Shortly, I should get away with this series and while won't defying cannon.

Tagging: @emmyspov

Series master list:  h e r e   | Series playlist:  h e r e

Clickity clack. Turning right into yet another empty hall with your arms full of papers filled to the brim with your handwriting, delicately tidied due to extensive usage of various colourful pens - all the essential terms were underlined heavily or highlighted with bright, easy-to-read-through colours. Clickity clack, you thought to yourself as you listened to your high heels repeatedly hitting the stone as you made your way through Jordan college in Oxford.

How did you find yourself in one of the most renowned men's colleges in Oxford was a proper question to ask; ever since finishing your studies at St. Sophia's, you've spent most of your academic time on Jordan's grounds, working with some of the most renowned scholars of said college. Truth be told, many experimental theologists were wandering around Jordan's and yet, even through coming to contact with this specific field every day, you weren't part of this group - you devoted yourself to studying animals, their life cycles, habits, and needs. Each facet of this work was bringing you serenity, the biggest reason being that daemons voluntarily took animal shapes. One aspect there was to love about animal studies was the requirement to study outside, carry on observations, and draw conclusions. Or, as you'd say with joy, it was a rather touchy-feely field to study, letting you wander through dark forests, and fields, to set out on ocean voyages… Forcing you to work inside only when you had to write some papers. That was what you loved about animal studies.

An undebatable benefit of carrying studies based on animal observations was that… There was anything that could be deemed as heretical. No matter how much would the Magisterium tried, there was nothing they'd find. What would they find in your last paper which was published under your colleague's name? 'The mating rituals of foxes in Sveden'? Which part of it could be even a bit heretical? Not being to publish your actual work under your name was the part that really sucked. Thanks to the Authority, Jonah (that was your colleague) was a good man, and each time people showed interest in said papers, he'd send them your way to discuss their thoughts with you.

Sighing, you pulled all of the papers to your body and listened to the continuous clicking again. It was rather odd to see you dressed in formal dress, wearing high heels with your hair tidied up and a bit of make-up on your face. Most of the scholars usually saw you wearing an old jacket, bright yellow wellies, along with a beanie in the same colour, combined with comfortable oversized jeans overall with a tactical bag lazily thrown over your shoulder. You liked it oversized since you could then dress appropriately to the weather under it - you could add leggings, warm sweatpants, sweaters, cosy sweatshirts, short-sleeved t-shirts… Whatever you pleased, really. Seeing you in formal clothes usually meant that you were about to present your newest research to Jonah and Master Carne.

This research was the conclusion of your one-year-long observation concerning the nesting rituals of nightingales. It was one of your favourites yet - this time, you settled near Devon, spending all of your time in the forest, silently watching birds while taking notes and drawing sketches. "It all might've been fun for you, Y/N." - A well-built coyote running alongside you said, turning its eyes to you as you both walked up to the second floor. Before Joy even got to the other part, you already knew what was coming; so you rolled your eyes. - "I had to lay without moving for hours. You know how much I hate that." - The coyote muttered, making you chuckle at her words.

"Don't be theatrical Joy, you had your fun as well. Let me remind you of how you ran down the stream playing with the fish you found in there." - At this, Joy growled unhappily - she knew you were right, but you had to admit that to a certain degree, she was right too. - "It's better than sitting in an office all day, come on now. Can you imagine being an indoor coyote?" "Not in a million years." - The daemon uttered, shaking its head. - "What would I do in an office? Fetching your papers? In my mouth?" "I think it would suit you." - Your whisper made the daemon bray silently, that was her form of laughter. Her amusement made you giggle too. "Screw you." - Joy muttered as you petted the top of her head, making her smile at you warmly.

You've spotted Master Carne from a whole hall away - Alicia was sitting on his shoulder proudly, overseeing the hall; the man himself was standing in front ornamented black door leading to the retiring room. Carne wasn't alone, though; he was talking to a very attractive brunette dressed in a blood-red pencil skirt and a jacket of the same colour while scholars flowed around them. As usual, he was already waiting for you... But you didn't expect her to be there. This woman was someone who you'd never wrapped your head around. She carried herself with grace and undeniable beauty, ambition, and intelligence shining inside her eyes, and yet, anything you'd look in her face, something was missing. And throughout the years of knowing her, you still weren't anywhere near deciphering what the missing component was. Maybe, just maybe, you missed any sign of actual human emotion - that was just the working theory you and Joy came up with, nonetheless. Her daemon was standing next to her, holding the hem of her skirt in its palm - it was a petite golden monkey. The gesture didn't feel loving; it felt right the opposite way if anything, repulsive to both parties. Joy exchanged a quick glance with you, letting you know she was thinking the exact same thing; you didn't like either of them. Something felt... Off.

This subtle feeling didn't change anything though; as soon as the Master noticed you, you sent a big bright smile his way and waved at him. Marisa, noticing as the man turned away from her, looked your way as well, sending you a small, gracious smile. Ah yes, nothing new, nothing changed, same old shit.

"Mrs Coulter, what a pleasure." - You uttered with a wide smile, offering her your pal which she shook, her grip appearing rather lukewarm. As soon as you shot your gaze to Carner, you knew that whatever the topic was, he was having a rather unpleasant conversation with Marisa and that he is very grateful for your early arrival. - "What lead you here all the way from London? I haven't seen you here in years... You're still looking as gorgeous as I remember you." "Oh, you're being too kind, Ms Y/L/N. You haven't aged a day." - The woman winked at you with a warm smirk, her blue eyes watching you intently. Dear, it all sounded so forced and fake. - "I was travelling through the area and I thought that visiting Jordan might be an enjoyable activity to fill my free afternoon. I was hoping that I'd have to chance to... Catch a glimpse of someone."

At that, you smiled knowingly as you nodded. Marisa didn't need to specify any further; the history between her and Jordan's 'Golden boy' (that's what you called the man) was a public secret. A very tragic and chilling public secret at that. Lord Asriel Belaqua, aka Golden boy as you and Joy dubbed him simply because he was very skilful with enormous amounts of money from the university funding simply by batting his eyes at the council, was... Quite someone, you had to admit. You've known him ever since you started co-publishing with Jonah and until that day, you didn't have a conclusive opinion when it came to him.

The man, however you wanted to approach him, was very good-looking; he was well-built and tall, often drawing attention with his fashionable outfit choices. Asriel was disposing of with a fairly pronounced nose, deep blue eyes sparking with everything he hadn't said out loud, and a pair of nicely shaped lips - his hair was neatly styled and beard trimmed each time you bumped into him. He was a dashing man, no denial about that. More so, he was aware of his physical appearance. And he was aware of said looks being a powerful tool - just like Marisa was when it came to her looks. And just like her, the man was very, almost frighteningly intelligent; more intelligent than anyone you'd ever met. You weren't shy of calling him a genius. He was often directive, and just like with Marisa, you've never really seen him displaying any deeper emotion. In his case, though, it appeared as if he preferred to be private - not fake. You've never spent much time around Asriel to conclude if you like him as a person. That could be explained easily; he was an experimental theologist while you worked in a different field entirely - but you caught a glimpse of him here and there.

However, the was an instance when you spent a significant amount of time around him way back when. It was shortly after you met Jonah who agreed to be your publishing partner; Asriel was looking for an assistant and you wanted to learn about preparing scientific papers to be published. And after acknowledging the significant amount of time you've spent inside his personal office, you still didn't know anything about Asriel. You were even helping with writing down his notes and knowledge, getting it ready for publishing; well, anything an assistant would do, essentially. At that period, you never bonded or got to know each other better. Sure, you talked, debated about his publication, and consulted it, but it always seemed... Polite and very artificial. Yet, there were moments when he felt... Almost human.

It was when you both worked late into the night, he usually sat at his desk and drank Tokay wine while you huddled up in a big plushy chair in front of the fireplace, reading through the papers and writing small memos all over them. In those moments, you'd catch yourself looking out of the window, watching the snow fall behind the closed windows. And as you turned your head around back to the papers in your lap, you'd catch a glimpse of the man looking at you; quickly diverting his attention back to the papers as soon as he saw you looking back at him. Usually, after catching him, you'd see a brief smile appearing on Asriel's lips; and sometimes it almost felt that there was something unsaid hanging in the air. The day you finally managed to put the publication together, named 'Of the time and space: A guide through basic experimental theology' was one of the last that you really spoke with Asriel. The man poured you a glass of wine to toast you, chatting with you about enjoyable nonsense. As you were leaving, Asriel turned his head in your direction, opening his mouth. With your palm on the doorknob, you stopped yourself to listen.

"I..." - Was all that he said, looking at you with the known glimpse in his eyes; there was more to be said and the man himself was clearly going through some kind of emotion since even Stelmaria stood up and looked at her human with confusion. For a moment, you both stood there, looking at each other - the words were on the tip of his tongue. And then... Asriel chuckled, ran his fingers through his hair, and pushed his palms into the pockets of his trousers in the end. - "I think you're ready to write your first publication, Ms Y/L/N." - The man said with a sincere smile, walking behind his desk. - "Hopefully, you've learned enough about preparing your own works for publishing. You're a smart woman." "I'm ready thanks to you, Lord Asriel. I can't possibly thank you enough for tutoring me." - You answered with a sweet smile and for the last time, the unknown glimpse had appeared in his eyes. And then... It was gone. Stelmaria laid down once more, closing her eyes. "I'll be eagerly awaiting your first publication. I'll see you around, Ms Y/L/N. And close the door on your way out."

That was who Asriel was to you. And the romance he and Marisa had... Well, as you said, it was a public secret. Everyone knew and everyone remembered and for a long time, Mrs Coulter had to live in the shadows, marked by her romance with Lord Asriel. It was a huge scandal back when it all broke out. You were still a student at St. Sophia's and Marisa was one of the front absolvents of your college. And then it came - the infamous 'did you hear about..?'. It was safe to say that the ordeal hadn’t ended well for either of them and on top of the enormous shame and oppression from her surroundings, it took her a long time to get her life back on track... And yet, through all of that, there she was, standing inside your workplace talking to the Master overseeing all of your publications, hoping to catch a glimpse of the man who demolished her life and her reputation.

“Understood, Mrs Coulter. According to my understanding, though, the Magisterium is being well-informed about all of the observations and experiments that are being conducted on the Jordan college's grounds?” - You asked as you pulled your arm back to your body, hugging the body of papers ever so tightly. Marisa straightened herself up, a frown hovering over your face as she looked at you; she pushed her chin higher, bringing her eyebrows closer. She was trying to make sense of what you just said. - “My point is that Magisterium surely has an overview of all of our studies and knows that none of them can be found or flagged as heretical. Based on that point alone, you surely must’ve known that he hadn’t set foot on Jordan’s grounds in years.”

Marisa still watched you with a frown on her face, confusion still overtaking her. The woman chuckled unknowingly, shrugging her shoulders in reaction to your question. - “Who hadn’t set foot in Jordan in years? What are you talking about, Ms Y/L/N?” - Her question was said in a gentle tone, accompanied by a sweet, wide smile; but due to the light in her eyes, you knew that she was getting who was the person you were talking about. And as you glimpsed over to Carne, he understood your point perfectly.

“I assumed you wanted to see Lord As…” “Let's say that in this case, you certainly assumed wrong. No, Y/N you don’t understand how wrong you are. Asriel Belacqua is certainly not the person I’m talking about, Ms Y/L/N. Don’t be silly now. I do not wish to see nor talk to that man. It was someone else I was hoping to see.” - Marisa gritted through her teeth, staring right into your soul as if you said something absolutely lunatic, almost condemning. She didn’t say everything out loud, but the lingering message was clear ‘keep your mouth shut and start thinking about what you’re saying, stupid little girl'.

“Understood Mrs Coulter, please, excuse the disrespectful attitude. If you’d excuse us now, Master and I have a business we need to attend to.” “Actually…” - Marisa exclaimed with some sort of excitement appearing in her eyes. “What is that you’re working on, Ms Y/L/N? All the scholars I’ve spoken with today told me that Doctor Jonah is about to present a very interesting document to the council.” - The woman asked with seeming innocence but you’ve perfectly understood what she was trying to convey. She was jabbing away at the fact that you weren’t allowed to publish your own scientific works - it didn’t make much sense since she couldn’t publish her works either. It jabbed the wrong spot anyway, you had to say. With newfound confidence, you chuckled and pulled the body of paper away from your thorax, revealing the title of your work.

Marisa’s eyes read the title multiple times as if she couldn’t grasp it - while in your opinion, it was rather understandable. - “‘The nesting habits of Luscinia megarhynchos and other Aves Passerine in Brytain?’” - Marisa asked with confusion, looking right back at Master Carne. - "This woman is studying birds, animals and... Master, therefore there is no reason to..." "I am simply hearing out a request made by one of my most successful researchers, Mrs Coulter. There is nothing more to it." - Carne cut her off before she could've gotten to the point. Joy glanced at you quickly, sharing your curiosity; what was this about? "Master Carne, her field is fundamentally different from his, therefore I think I'm better suited and don't find it appropriate nor smart to..."

"That's enough, Mrs Coulter." - The man retorted, his eyes widening. This gesture made Marisa finally accept that their conversation is truly over. - "The university is truly grateful for your concern, but this is a matter of no interest to you; the matter is not tied to any sort of research, it revolves mainly around administration and editing. On top of that, I've heard you're holding a private party in London this weekend; therefore I assume you have duties you have to attend to, Mrs Coulter." "Well, well. That's correct Master Carne, as usual, you're right. I simply hoped I might be of use." - Saying that, Marisa offered you her palm once more. The monkey sitting at her feet finally let go of her pencil skirt and stood up straight, furrowing right at you. Whatever Marisa was thinking about, it wasn't too nice.

"It was very refreshing to meet you. We'll have to catch up properly, Y/N. As soon as you're back, send me a letter and we'll arrange an intimate tea party." - With confusion, you shot a gaze toward Carne and shook her palm. - "Right back at you, Marisa. It'll be an honour, I haven't been to London in years. Has it changed much?" "I don't think so. But if you'd feel like the cultural shock might be a bit much for you... Let me know and I'll travel here, to Oxford." - She said with an angelic grin, jabbing at yet another of the soft spots - at least what they assumed to be one. To be frank, it was just plain rude of her. Sure, you loved to spend most of your time outside of civilization and its rules, but you were still very much socialized and cultured. To be frank, you loved London. With that, Marisa said goodbye to Carne, turned on her heels, and strutted towards the staircase, disappearing between the flood of long black robes.

"Dear God in heaven." - You muttered as soon as Carne closed the door of the retiring room behind you. Not waiting for much more, you chose to pour a glass of whiskey to both you and Carne - Alicia, accompanied by Joy, resorted to the corner of the room to catch some rest. - "Anytime I see Coulter wandering these halls, I just feel so... Anxious, hoping she'd leave as fast as she appeared. That woman, she's never good news." "That might be true Y/N, but she's still a very respected explorer and researcher, let's not forget that. Even though I have to agree about her tendency to be bad news." - The Master chuckled, making you smile back at him; you two liked to joke around when the no-one could hear you. Carne was a good man, even hearing you out regarding your works - he could've easily let Jonah submit all of the discoveries, yet there you were, taken as a woman of science.

"She called me uncultured, Master, and in addition to that, according to her animal research is not enough of a respectable research field. Let me jab back at her, even though she can not hear me anymore. No harm in that. By the way, I'm pretty positive she was talking about Golden boy back there. What do you think?" "Golden boy?" - Carne looked at you from sipping his whiskey, letting you set all of the photograms into the projector. His expression was lit up by a disbelieving smile as he watched you casually waltz around the room in your high heels. - "Last time I heard this nickname, I asked you not to use it in my presence, Y/N. You've been a welcomed addition to our research team for long enough to show respect for your co-researchers... Let alone the man who tutored you regarding editing a scientific paper. Lord Asriel wouldn't be amused by the nickname you've given him."

"How can you know he wouldn't be amused by the nickname? You'd have to share it with him... Which I doubt you'd do, Master. Stop dodging the question now." - Finishing up the projector preparation, you straightened up and looked right into his face, holding the photo album between your fingers. "Mrs Coulter wasn't looking here for Lord Asriel because she is well aware of his expedition leading him into the Lapland wilderness, Y/N. But to be frank, he was the main reason behind her sudden visit. Let's forget about Mrs Coulter now while you present me your newest discoveries, shall we?" - For a second, you remained watching him, thinking about what he had just said. Lord Asriel was the main reason for her to come here all the way from London?

Back when you talked to her, you were being serious. Asriel hadn't been in Oxford for ages - the last time he came was two years ago, let alone that he left right the next weekend. Anyone had spoken of him recently and his last research still wasn't anywhere near its end. So, the question remaining was... Why was Asriel concerning her and what did you have in common with the whole ordeal? As soon as you started to show Carne all of the data and as soon as you started to describe your findings, Lord Asriel and Marisa had disappeared out of your mind - suddenly, there was not much more than nightingales inside your head. Surely, it could be seen that Carne's attention was not at its all-time high, but he sat through it and asked questions to further clarify the subject, reading the rest of your research papers. When you ended the presentation, you let the last photogram be projected onto the wall while you sat down, finishing your glass of whiskey.

Just like you expected, the presentation took thirty minutes - both Joy and Alicia were taking a nap in the corner of the room, Carne looked sleepy at best and you were glad that the formalities were finally over. All you had to do now was to give the manuscript to Jonah, inform him about your findings, and then... It was done. "I know people don't find this topic very... Interesting or life-changing." - You admitted as your eyes looked at the small brown bird projection. Letting out a long breath, you sipped on the alcohol before licking your lips, letting the aftertaste burn on the body part for a bit. - "But I think it's important, it's quite life-changing to me. To understand nature and ecosystems, to understand animals as well as their behavioural pattern to ensure that humanity isn't interfering with the wild and natural habitats too much. Because if we do... May God save us all. Can you imagine not waking up to birds singing? Or bees buzzing?"

"The college understands your reasoning, Y/N, that's why I personally vouch for most of your expeditions and research. I see why you care so much and I think it's very important to have people that care. And therefore, I have a research proposition for you... Help request might suit our situation better." - The Master answered calmly, letting you know that to him, your small obsession with nature isn't just some weird, off-beat childish whim. To Marisa, your field might've not been a valid scientific field, but to Carne it was. And that was what you needed to hear. The woman made you pretty nervous. At the back of your head, you always remembered that no matter what she tells you, or the Master, no one's opinion will change. Yet for some reason, her words cut like a knife even though you've only been an academic colleague of hers. Shaking Coulter out of your head, you looked back at Carne. - "Well, let's hear it. What is it you want me to look at? To study the cat population around Oxford since I've heard Alicia is rather fond of them?"

"No, she just really likes chasing them around the walls, that's all. Everyone has their quirks, am I right?" - Carne answered your joke, chuckling under his breath. - "What would you think if I'd offer you a fully funded, four months-lasting research of fauna on Svalbard?" "Hold on... Hold on. Research on Svalbard, funded by the college? Just to be clear Master, do you understand that we are talking about researching narwhals, arctic foxes, penguins, walruses, and... Even Panserbjørne by proxy?" - Slowly realizing what Carne had just said, you picked yourself up on your legs and walked around the room for a bit, covering your opened mouth with your palm. - "If anyone would ask for this kind of funding, they'd be turned down immediately - all the proprieties, clothes, food, a place to stay in... Let alone making a pact with the king regarding even speaking to the researcher. They are very secretive, bears I mean. Master, this is an offer that I can not turn down."

"That's also why I presented this offer first. The rest of the requests won't be as enjoyable. Let's start simply - have you heard of Thorold?" "I've met him once or twice, never spoke with him for too long though. He's an elderly man, very wise and very polite. He's also the servant of Lord Asriel, am I right?" - You asked back, finishing your glass while still standing in front of Carne. What had Thorold in common with this ordeal? That was at least five people that had been dragged into it by now. "Correct. Long story short, the poor man slipped on a one rather nasty stormy night and broke his leg, his left arm, and his right wrist, and therefore, he cannot stay in Svalbard to accompany Lord Asriel during his research. Thankfully, his unfortunate injuries came with the best possible timing - the research is concluded and the only request Lord Asriel has is help with editing and preparing the study to be presented. Which is something you are very good at, Y/N."

Of course, it came with a price, this expedition was too dreamy to be true on its own. Anyone would willingly pay for a four-month-long Svalbard expedition with a permit leading your right to the Panserbjørne king, notably since many scholars didn't quite identify with your desire to explore the animal kingdom. The council would cancel your request for such an expedition as soon as they'd see its heading written on an official document. On the other hand, working with Asriel didn't seem like such an ordeal upon comparing it with everything you'd get. Without a second thought, you'd agree to take care of all of the dirty jobs just so you could go to Svalbard.

"So that was why Marisa didn't quite agree with this request. Entire four months in the presence of local legend himself, huh?" - You asked with quiet laughter, pouring yourself and Master one more glass of the spirit. This whiskey, you had to admit, was very good. "You see, finding someone who'd be willing to work for Lord Asriel was... Hard." "That's why you bribe people with the most dreamy expeditions out there, you see, Master?" "You're the first one I'm asking to help Thorold out, but trust me, I'm sure there wouldn't be a single person who'd accept the job, no matter how much money would college offer them." - Carne said seriously, looking you right in the eyes. - "What you need to understand is the fact that Lord Asriel can be very difficult to collaborate with, Y/N. Especially when he's crazed with all of these ideas that might bring our college down to its knees."

"Wait, why are talking about Svalbard in the first place, Dr Carne? How could Thorold travel here from Svalbard - if Lord Asriel is supposedly conducting experiments in Lapland? We all know he's had an audience with the king. Why being so secretive about everything, then? Why did all of you say he's in Lapland? Is he studying something... Forbidden by the Magisterium?" - You asked back, intrigued by the slight sense of danger dripping out of the idea. "Yes, that's what most scholars think, at the present. What I thought as well until Thorold asked me in a private conversation, clearly in need of help. Ms Y/L/N..." - Carne sighed and looked away from you, using your last name; he only did that when the situation got dense. - "The research which Lord Asriel's conducting is risky at least, heretical at best. I need your help because you're one of the very few people in this college that I can put my full trust in. This is also the reason why I couldn't agree to Mrs Coulter's request to assist Lord Asriel. She thinks he's in Lapland too."

"And if she'd got to know..." - You sighed, realizing that this would mean a full-on raid by the Magisterium. The academic world was run by one very simple law - when there was an experiment conducted by the scholars of any college, it was always protected by the concept of Scholastic sanctuary. Any scholar or researcher had the right to be protected from the Magisterium, even when the research got a bit... Too on edge for Magisterium's liking. Hearing that Scholastic sanctuary, the most powerful research law in existence, might've been too short for whatever Asriel was researching in Svalbard was rather concerning.

For a moment, your breath shortened and you could feel Joy waking up in the room, trying to process the information alongside you. The research must've been a straightaway ticket to damnation, something Asriel would end on the stakes for, no problem. And the only explanation for such secretive procedures could be... "The fool is trying to study Dust, isn't he?" - You asked, looking right at Carne; by the look in his eyes, you knew that your guess is correct. Truth be told, you didn't know much about Dust, but you've heard the term a few times. Nobody wanted to talk about it and most scholars refused to acknowledge its existence out of pure fear, but even amongst them, there were a few brave ones who committed to researching it. Why were most people avoiding deeper conversations about Dust? That was simple too - Magisterium had deemed it as the Original Sin and therefore, there was no conversation to be held.

"If they get to know, they will raid the college without acknowledging Scholastic sanctuary. Doesn't Lord Asriel know this?" "Of course he has. Why do you think he's in Lapland?" - Carne snickered, letting you roll your eyes. - "And it's also why you'd be going to Lapland. We'd re-label your research after you'd get back, of course, but for the time being..." "You trust me a lot, am I right? Telling me about all of this... Master..." "I trust you because I know you're worthy of such trust, Y/N. "Be honest." - You said, looking him right in the eyes. - "Do you have any other option than me, Doctor?"

The expedition to Svalbard sounded too dreamy to be true. And it was because it was too dreamy to be true - for such an amount of money, you'd be risking your life. Dear God, if the Magisterium would discover your name on the documents right next to Asriel's, you'd be as good as dead. You'd probably disappear quick, without anyone noticing. And those who'd notice would not say a word. "I do not, Y/N, you're the only one I am not afraid to ask for help. And on top of that, Thorold asked for your presence specifically due to your previous experience in collaborating with Lord Asriel." "Fine then, Dr Carne, fine. I'll do it, but promise me you'd keep it utmost secret. No one ever will get to know I've helped Asriel other than responsible scholars, okay? I've never studied experimental theology simply because of my fear of the Magisterium. I'd be glad if it would remain a secret after I get back." "Thank you, Y/N, thank you..."

At that moment, a loud bang on the window made you jump and scream upon getting freaked out. Given the topic you've just discussed with Carne, you almost got a heart attack; if anyone would hear you two talking, you'd both be dragged to London by evening and killed by the morning. Yet as you looked up, you saw a pair of dark, almost black eyes watching you and the projected photogram of a bird behind you, the girl holding the windowsill in her palms as she peeped into the retirement room. With a smile, you risen your eyebrows and walked over to the room, opening it to get a good look at the small girl. Dear, hasn't she grown ever since you left for Devon? Her hair was now much longer it seemed, and her facial features were much sharper and more profound - she was now almost twelve years old if you remembered correctly. And, just as you expected, there was also a dark-haired, blue-eyed boy kneeling right next to her. Lyra and Roger. What a surprise.

"Why am I not surprised to see you two mischievous individuals peeping into the room, huh?" - At that, both kids laughed and hugged your waist, holding you close. You've grown to like this odd pair; both of them were orphaned at a very early age and they always used to run through Oxford's halls and bring life to that sad place, simply by laughing and cheering upon the simplest things imaginable. Their free spirits were what made your mood much better at times. "Lyra? Roger? What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in your classes? Both of you?" - Master Carne asked, now being his usual self; the leader of Jordan at his best.

"I was hoping to see my uncle, Dr Carne. Scholars were saying that one of the researchers is finally back, so we went to see for ourselves." "That does not excuse you, Lyra. Get in, both of you, I'll make personally sure that you'll be at your school desks immediately. Me and Ms Y/L/N are done here anyway." - Carne said, furrowing at both of the kids. - "But if you'll be good until evening and after Roger finishes his tasks, you can ask Ms Y/L/N to show you some of the pictograms she took on her latest research. For some reason, I think you'd both really like them."

They would, you thought to yourself as you watched the children leaving with a saddened smile lingering upon your face as you started thinking about the Svalbard expedition once more, they definitely would. Because these kids are free as the birds. And if Asriel manages to make a breakthrough, we might all be free one day.

Will vs. Mrs. Coulter

Perfectly captured in the show even though The Imagination Chamber wasn't even published when the show was filmed.

i am not okay. i have never been okay. i will never be okay again.

Young Masriel AU in which Marisa tells Asriel she's pregnant